Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 448 - Pat Kelly

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Comedian and Dave's co-author Pat Kelly returns to talk barbecue evasion, baby's day out, and electric toothbrushes.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 448 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's not afraid to wear a nice button-up under a sweatshirt, Mr. Dave Shumka. Hey, it's athleisure. Yeah.

Is that a term? Athleisure is a term. Oh yeah, I think it refers more to like... Wearing chin pads around the office? No, it's like stylized sweatpants, like skinny sweatpants. Sometimes I see people wearing those. Well, that guy is the peak of ath-leisure. He looks athletic and leisurely. Usually. And our guest today, returning guest to the podcast,

he is one half of the hilarious CBC radio show, This Is That. Mr. Pat Kelly is our guest. Gentlemen. Hello. Thank you for having me. Thank you for being on the show. The first thing, I want to know who's going to be guest 450. I'm two away from being 450 Is 450 a milestone? It is, it's 450

That's a big number 450 though What is a significant 450? Okay, well let's say 500 Do we know who's going to be guessed? Do you think he'll still be alive? No, no, big earthquake coming next year. Dinosaurs coming.

When does 500 get? When is that? It's 52 weeks from today. Today. Yeah. So it could be you. Okay. Thank you.

But it's an honor to be 448. Well, it doesn't sound like it is. Who would be a good 500? Like, is there someone we associate with the number 500? Who's won the indianapolis 500 oh sure uh bobby ray hall uh arie lyondike tate windsor um um gordon gordon pucker we could have somebody from the movie 300 uh-huh and then another guy uh zoe de chanel from 500 First Dates or whatever. Yeah, she'd be good. There we go. 500.

Days of Summer. It's the highest bill you can get in Monopoly. Oh, wait, it's not 500 First Dates. Is that in the name of the movie? 500 times we date. It's the name of the movie. Yeah. 500 crazy dates.

Crazy dates with Zoe D. Oh, should we get to know us? Yeah. Sure. Get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. I'm not sure if you want to plug this or not, but you have a book. Yes, and I'm not sure we want to plug this or not, but Dave Shumka helped write this book. Okay, all right. So this is all we don't know?

I'm not sure I want to plug that. Does anybody, is anybody sure about what they want to say about this? No. Okay. So we, yes, we wrote a, this is that travel guide to Canada, which was a, it's like a fake Lonely Planet. Right. All nonsense.

And we needed to really compress the timeline in which this thing needed to be finished. Because you were like, we need this. I was like, oh, I have an idea. Let's make a book. And then the publisher was like, well, you have an idea. Let's make a book. And then the publisher was like, well, you have to finish it in like a month. Yeah.

If you're going to get it into the stores. We're going to sneak it in on the end of some menus. Yes, exactly. That's pretty much it. If you want it for Christmas. Right.

And somehow we wrote it in even less time because it's going to be available at the beginning of November. Yes. Wow. Yeah, November 1st, it's available the november rush because there's all sorts of holidays in november you buy books for remembrance day uh-huh american thanksgiving black friday these are all great halloween discount halloween sales yeah um do you think you'll make it into

the halloween discount bin i guess that would be really depressing if they're like you know what this put this with all of the crappy chocolate bars like 50 cents put these next to the mini kit kats yeah take it it's a book do you have a favorite halloween fun size thing? Yes. What is? Little Smarties? No. Well, I mean, those are fun. But it was only because I would never see the full size ones in stores.

It was the Three Musketeers. Oh. I would get mini Three Musketeers. That's not, no peanuts in there? No, it's just a nougat. Oh. Yeah, just a marshmallow-y nougat. I like a Wonder Bar because they get that, you have that strip of, I think it's just a

Canadian. It's a very weird one to like. Yeah. But they have that strip of caramel over top of the peanut butter and in a large bar, it's not, it's not perfect, but just there's a dusting of it. There's a snap to the, when you bite into it, the, it kind of snaps.

See, what I don't like about Halloween candy these days is the, it's, is the globification of the monopolization by these, by big candy. Okay. Tell me more. Grouping all of these together in these variety packs. Oh, in the variety packs. And then everybody just buys the same variety pack so that it's just a combination of like four or five of the same thing. So in years past, you would get just a thing of Tootsie Rolls. There was some curation.

Yeah. There was some curation on behalf of the purchaser. Oh, to be a candy curator. I feel like they're doing opposite curation where they will absolutely put something they cannot sell. Otherwise, they'll stick it in with some. Into the variety pack, yeah. Well, yeah, like I feel like Arrow is the one that always gets thrown in the variety pack. Yeah, exactly.

It's like, I don't know. And like Tootsie Rolls are hard to come by now, I think. Yeah, you've brought them up twice. Well, I brought them up the first time. Oh, okay. Rockets are kind kind of hearts come by no I get plenty of rockets still when you go

trick or treating yeah you know what's kind of disappeared I think is just a general sucker lollipops oh just like

yeah I don't know I wonder because has it disappeared or do you want one like I I like the ones

with the thing inside what are the they're like Tootsie Pops. Oh boy. This episode's brought to you by Tootsie Roll. So, here was my problem

with suckers when I was a kid is you would have a plastic Halloween bag and those suckers would punch a hole. It's true. Little sticks would be

sticking out of the bottom of the bag. Oh. Yeah. So, I mean, sure. Did I switch over

to pillowcase the next year? Sure. But that's because, again, Halloween conspiracy, the pillowcase Oh. Yeah. So, I mean, sure. Do I switch over to pillowcase the next year? Sure. But that's because, again, Halloween Conspiracy, the pillowcase people got involved. Oh, yeah. You know.

Sort of. I don't know who makes pillowcases. A lot of companies. Yeah. The organization. Yeah. Wamsutta.

The PCO. Pillowcase. Pillowcase Organization. Organization, sure. Association. It's a PCA. And I, I,

growing up, there was a lot of like thread shaming. Oh, sure. People would be like, what's the thread count? Is that Egyptian cotton? No,

guys, it's just, it's just for my candy. So, thread count, uh, shaming. Uh-huh.

We, we just got, uh, hoodwinked by this thread count thing. Oh, wait. Okay. Our second wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary. It's cotton. Thank you.

So, is that, I guess, the traditional, not the modern? I don't know. There's two sets. The modern is an iPod shuffle. Yeah. That's right. But the modern, it's only updated to like 2009. Yeah. That was the last time they were able to update it.

It's like a Netflix account. But the, so we, Cotton, we were in the United States and went into a Macy's. Advertising this advertising this huge sheet. This is also a tongue twister I came up with. She sells sheet sets at the Sears sheet set sale. Ah, really? She sells sheet sets at the Sears sheet set sale. And was your wife, when you said that,

was like, maybe we should have a separate vacation? No. And she was like, you better set sale, buddy. So we weren't at Sears, but we were at Macy's advertising this sheet sale. Yeah. Then you were like, oh, I wish this was at Sears, because then I could say this. She sells sheet sets at the Sears sheet set sale. Yeah. So when you were, then you were like, Oh, I wish this was at Sears. Cause then I could say this.

Yeah. She sells sheets at the Sears sheets at sale. So, so the, uh, we're thinking this is perfect. It's our anniversary. This is what we're supposed to get.

And there's a sale. So we're like, let's go right for the highest. Let's go for the highest thread count possible like that's gonna be the deal uh say say hypothetically that i'm a dumb dumb that doesn't know anything about uh thread counts thread crown softer yeah yeah there's just supposed to be better quality and sort of like say i'm a dumb dumb who knows nothing about thread count. The range is, oh, five threads to ten threads? Five threads to 1,200 threads.

Oh, wow. So that means it's like weaved, like there's 1,200 weaves per square weave unit. Yeah. Whatever it is. This is my point. It's all a myth. So we pick up these 1,200 thread count sheets. Right.

And we're like, holy cow, and they're 50% off and what a deal. Thread count sheets sounds on the mound. She counts thread counts at the seat set, thread counts at the seat. Sea shanty.

So, I'm picking these up, they're expensive, but now they're half price. And we think, well, this is a deal. We're getting the best sheets you can possibly get. So,

but I'm, as we're walking to the counter, I'm like, I'm looking at these. I'm like, these don't look that like, I've been in hotels that have nicer sheets. Like this is not,

I'm not sure these ones are like legit, really good sheets. And what do you know what the name, like, was there a particular thing? It wasn't like a, you know, it wasn't like a polo sheet or like Ralph Lauren or something.

It was just like Macy's kind of brand sheet house, house brand. Yeah. Yeah. And so I get to the counter and I'm, I'm fully skeptical. And I'm like, my brain is feeling like

my father like i'm like oh my god this is what it feels like to be my dad yeah because i'm like skeptical starting to get cheap about the whole thing you see a kid cutting eye holes in the same sheets and you're like oh no so i go up to the lady and i'm like um because it was just said 50 off it didn't actually tell what the real price was and so she rings the lady and I'm like, because it was just said 50% off. It didn't actually tell what the real price was. And so she rings it in and it was like, I forget what it was. And I said to her, I was like,

are these like really good sheets? And she doesn't even look up from the cash register. She goes, yeah, they're all right. And so we bought them. And they're honestly, it's like being in a hospital bed oh that's great yeah hospital bed goes up and down yeah no one no one gets better care for it very it's a very thick almost like i'm not sure we bought cotton or a canvas oh yeah like too many threads yeah yeah way too many threads yeah at that point when it becomes too many threads, it's canvas.

You know what else is funny? It's too many cooks. Oh, yeah. Very funny. Very fun. Very funny. So was this an anniversary trip that you were on or you just happened to be down? Because do we have Macy's up here?

Do we? No. We just got Nordstrom. Oh, boy. Macy's is the bay. Still haven't made the trip. Me neither. Macy's is the bay. Me neither. Macy's is exactly the same as the bay. Yeah, except instead of having Wayne Gretzky brand suits,

they have Ryan Seacrest brand suits. I'm not joking. Who would I rather dress like? That's a tough call. Because I don't think either of them are known as snappy dressers. Ryan Seacrest looks fine. He looks fine. But I don't think they make suits for people

above 5'1". Who do you think, who doesn't have a suit right now who should have a suit? What do you mean? Steve Harvey has his own line of suits. Who do you want to, who would you

absolutely say, yes, that's the suit I'm going to buy because... It's the character Hannibal in the TV show. The kids from Stranger Things? The TV show Hannibal. Hannibal is dressed impeccably in every episode. Okay. So it's just like suits by Hannibal Lecter.

I would go with the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. Mm-hmmdies because they make these suits are so zooty they're going to cause a riot does Guy Ferreri have his own does he have his own line of clothing he has his own line of sauces

that's a no brainer and like finger licking you can buy fingers pre-dipped fingers why am I at thimbles And like finger licking. Yeah. He's his own friend. You can buy fingers. Yeah, you can buy fingers. They're just like pre-dipped fingers. Yes. Why am I at Thimble's? Yeah.

It's just a rubber glove that's been dipped in barbecue sauce and then you put it on. Free sauce fingers. He doesn't have flip flops. No. Which he should. Or sunglasses he could have. Or a hair dye. He should do a partnership with Oakley.ops. No. Which he should. Or sunglasses he could have. Or a hair dye.

He should do a partnership with Oakley. Sure. Sure. I don't think Oakley would be too stoked on that. I think they try to be, you know, athletic

and do skiing. Less munchy. Yeah. Like, wear them on the back of your head. I wonder if Oakley likes that people do that.

Maybe they don't care. Wear them to your wedding of your head. I wonder if Oakley likes that people do that. Maybe they don't care. Wear them to your wedding. You're going to kiss the bride. You better put them on the back of your head now. Manufacturer's instructions. So, Pat. Yes. We teased this book.

Okay. Yeah. Tell us a little. What's the name of it? Well, Dave, you helped write it. I didn't write the title. It's called the This Is That Travel Guide to Canada.

And it's broken up into everything you need to learn about Canada. Yes. I was there because I co-wrote it. Is my name on it? No. Yes, it is. Well, it's inside. But no one's authors aren't on the cover. But if you go to Amazon, it won't say

Dave Shumka. The foreword by Dave Thomas. Oh, nice. From SCTV. Bob and Doug McKenzie, Dave Thomas, who's an old friend of ours. And he, yeah, wrote this hilarious foreword. And then... Can I ask a question about a foreword?

Yeah. Does the person who writes the foreword have to read the book? No. No, they can just say, I think this person is great, and have to read the book? No. No. They can just say, I think this person is great. And I think their book is going to be great. And he wrote, well, I won't give away too much of his forward.

No, no. Yeah. You got to buy the book. He wrote this hilarious forward, like sort of indicating that Peter and I, the other host of this is that we're are like these just obsessed, um, travelers who, who. Right. Sit around and, uh, you know, have all these philosophies about what the travel does to one soul. It was, it's really good.

And then the book inside is like, um, you know, like a lonely planet or a rough guide. Like if you're going to go visit Australia, you'd in earnest by like a guide that's right. When arriving at the airport, make sure like Australia airports are weird. You got to. Don't guide that's like, when arriving at the airport, make sure like, Australia airports are weird. You gotta.

Don't, don't buy a boomerang at the airport. That's the most expensive place to buy them. Exactly. That's the book. So we did that for all of Canada.

That's just, it's all nonsense and recommendations for restaurants. Places to go. Places to go. Things to see. Museums.

How people behave. How to interact with your waiter. Cause that's like like Monty Python put out a bunch of books kind of after

they made movies and stuff there's a whole series of books they put out that were really really funny yeah I mean this was really fun

like to yeah we and we burned through it like we gave each other writing assignments every week

yeah and we would meet up right at this very table. Nice. Go over them. And punch down each other's jokes. Not punch them up. Yeah.

Punch them down. Yeah. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to punch down. Right? In comedy, you always punch those beneath you. But the, yeah, I mean, it's like uh the you know the nature of the show this is that it's like a parody of radio uh you know public radio kind of how many years on the air seven seven

years and the season's on right now yeah um but writing this made us realize like the function of our show is to parody things that we could parody other books too. Like this is that self-help guide. This is that guide to finance. This is that guide to, you know. So this is relationships. I think so. Yeah. I think we're going to, because it was fun. Now, if anybody buys it, maybe it's not going to be so fun, but.

I got paid up front. Yeah. Dave's the only one who got his money up front. Do you got, is it going to be on a Kindle? Can I get it on a Kindle? Yep. Can I get it on a Mac? Yep.

You can get it in your ears. Oh, yeah. It's a radio show, so they made an audio book. So we made the audio book. Smart. Smart. And Dave and you did the, no, just kidding. Yeah, Dave and I wrote the afterword, the afterthought.

Yeah. It hasn't been published yet, but we've got it's on my uh to do it's on my thumb drive right write the index yeah oh yeah that would be cool to get a celebrity to write the index index by tedious tediously going through the book and like finding words Page 83 Shelf I'm so Shelf I'm so glad We got Bill Murray Bill Murray To do the

Indict Well that's cool So I highly suggest Writing a book I don't know You could do it Especially with Dave You could do it in a month

Yeah We could just crank What would we call our book I This is going to start The conversation of people listening to your program wanting you to write a book. Well, I want to publish a book of my Christmas coupons that I make every year, but I'm a little late this year.

Oh, yeah, because like. I want to do it upright. I want to illustrate it. I want to make. He wants it to be bound not coil bound leather bound yeah we'll coil with a snake yeah um so now you can add properly you can say author yeah if uh but i can't i can't pronounce author

yeah it's a it's not hard Otter Otter That's a Water mammal Otter From Canada Yeah Yeah no it's true Otters are our national beaver

So yes Author Author I can add it too Do you think you'd ever That's right Yes Yeah you can

Author And ghost Author Dave is a ghost Author I'm a ghost writer Yeah like that uh percent of the book would you say i wrote uh more than what a ghost um but doesn't a ghost writer write 100 of the book they're just while following the person around and like the guy who wrote art of

the deal yes trump wrote zero percent of that and this guy wrote a hundred oh yeah and he came up with uh oh he came up with this ridiculous term for lying oh yeah it's what is called like conflated something yeah yeah like factual exaggeration and the thing about that story too is that he didn't want he got so tired and lazy of it. Trump was like, I don't want to do this anymore. You just do it. And the guy was like, okay.

So all he did was follow him around and like, listen to what he was saying. Yeah. And then he took these little parts and then he molded them into like, it was an instruction. Yeah. Into a philosophy. Yeah.

That's just what we did for this book. Like I just followed Dave around and he's like, Oh, Canada, Oh, rivers. And I'm like, Oh,

that's pretty good. You followed Dave around oh wow dave just muttering dave walked from east coast of canada to the west coast of canada observing muttering i did it for charity yeah oh it's a that's the name of the stripper where is she now? Did she set up camp here on the West Coast? Oh, no, she passed. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Set up a charity for charity. Yeah. Okay. I didn't raise enough. He was too busy muttering. So now you're an author. Yeah. You've celebrated an anniversary.

What else is going on? You've got all these new sheets. Yeah. You've got these useless new sheets yeah he sleeps on sheets shitty sheets sets from the sheets at sale that's serious that's serious yes um what else is happening um well the this is that is in full swing. Yeah. And, um, that is being, uh, broadcast to Canada. Oh yeah.

And podcast. And podcast. Um, what else is happening? I don't know. Do you have any fun stories? What else did you do in Texas? Yeah. Um, Texas, you know, I didn't eat any barbecue. Why not? This is the

because. It must have been everywhere. You must have gone out of your way to not eat it. Do you have many listeners in Austin? We have some. Yeah, probably. They're probably listening right now and going to be super disappointed in the things I referenced probably. That you didn't have. Well, that I didn't have. Why were

you. Why? A very limited window of time. So you were in Texas for a wedding. For a wedding. One meal was obviously going to be. At the wedding. At the wedding. At the wedding, sure.

So that's take out one meal. Okay. How many days are you there? So Friday night. Yeah. But I missed the meal because I got in late. Okay. And there's no late night barbecue place.

Well, there was late night food truck at a bar we were at. Okay. So that was that. I had a grilled cheese. Okay. Sure. Which was delicious. Yeah.

At a place called Stay Gold. Stay Golden. Sure. Okay. Gotcha. Pony Pony. Yeah. And then we have a breakfast to deal with.

That doesn't count. The day of the wedding. That is a write-off. No one, whatever. Yeah. Nobody's eating ribs for breakfast? Well, they are. They're, like, these barbecue places,

they sell out by, like, noon. Yeah. But here's the kicker, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the kicker. The kicker's coming pretty early in the story. The kicker's coming right now. Here we go.

My wife is a vegetarian. Uh-huh. So, I couldn't, you know, in good consciousness say, let's,

consciousness? Conscious. Yeah. But also in consciousness. I was, you were awake. Conscious. I was awake at the time.

I was totally aware of what I was doing. Couldn't, you know, suggest the barbecue for breakfast. Right. Day of a wedding. We had to go to a restaurant. But, you know, she could have had cornbread. She could have had greens.

Did you say cornbread? Cornbread. Yeah. Cornbread. Yeah. Yeah. Graham just went to Nashville and- I ate cornbread.

And was a vegetarian. Oh, you were a vegetarian too. I had collard greens. I had, what else did I have? I don't like collard greens. Well, you know, when you're in the neck of the woods, you got to have them. Yeah. Well, Austin-

You got to wear a collar on your neck. But no, so here's the kicker. I like V-neck greens. Have I? Wait, did you already do- There's two kickers. I thought you already did the kicker. Okay.

Most of my stories have four kickers. Yeah, so this is like- More like a soccer team. Yeah, you're on the second kicker. So here's the the kicker. Okay. Most of my stories have four kickers. Yeah. So this is like more like a soccer team. Yeah. You're on the second kicker. So here's the second kicker. Got it. Austin actually has a very good vegetarian slash vegan options.

That doesn't surprise me. Yeah. Hip sitting. They're keeping it weird. Yeah, they are. And South by. Oh, very much. They're keeping it really South. Yeah. So very much. They're keeping it really South.

So South by. They're keeping it exactly where it is. They're keeping the spirit of South by the whole year. Yeah. So a lot of innovation. Yeah. In the breakfasts. So here's the third kicker.

Wait, so you had a vegan breakfast? No, no. We went to just a normal breakfast place, but there was a dusting of barbecue on this Eggs Benedict I got. What do you mean? It was a little bit of brisket, but it wasn't like. Okay. They dried it out, powdered it, and dusted it on. Dusted, yeah.

It wasn't like a full, the full experience of barbecue. Then our next meal is the wedding. Yeah. Just regular wedding food. No lunch? Well, no, because we were like full. The wedding started at like three. Sure.

And maybe there were hors d'oeuvres. You're going to kick yourself. I'll be a kicker. So here's the kicker. Yeah. Wedding. What is this, kicker number three? Kicker number three.

Yeah. Wedding is fantastic. Oh, yeah? I have a ton of fun. These are dear friends. Yes. This is my wife's childhood friend Okay

Married his I'm going to get some childhood friends You should Yeah Yeah I mean I see them all the time Yeah Like they're just

Hanging out at the park Yeah No one's bothering them Don't bother some kids You have kids now Your kid is friends Or your friends, right? Yeah, that's true. Your best friend is your childhood.

They're going to be bringing over childhood friends all the time. You're going to get sick of them. I don't like childhood friends. I'm going to get my own childhood friends is what I'm saying. Your friends are lame. Your childhood friends are going to be the parents of your child's friends. Oh, yeah. I'm great at that.

It's a second childhood friend. Yeah. Wedding. Yeah. Are we still just going through this whole... Absolutely. Every meal? Yeah.

Okay. But now this wedding. Indoor? Outdoor? What are we talking about? Outdoor, beautiful farm wedding. Are they farm people? Inner city farm in Austin.

Like it was... Yeah. So there were gangs. Gangs of horses and cows. There was chickens, no livestock, but beautiful setting. Yeah. Beautiful setting. A very celebratory event as well because it was a gay couple.

And the law had been turned there. And so they were very proudly doing this. And, uh. Till we get the big guy in there. Yeah. Big Cheeto. The big. Art of the deal.

Um, so then we, the wedding, uh, party. Yeah. And revelers went to another tavern that evening. Uh-oh. I smell a kicker. Here's the kicker. It was the same place we went the night before. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Food truck. And you were like, I am. No grilled cheese. This time I had the mac and cheese. Okay. Delicious. Sure.

Sure. Okay, here's the kicker. Yeah. Five kickers. Five kickers per story. Is here's the kicker Yeah Five kickers Five kickers for story Is this a five kicker story Well no You just gave us a kicker

Yeah And so there's So Side by side Yeah here's the kicker We went to bed It's like people are like Five alarm chili

He does five kicker stories Here's the kicker We wake up the next morning Yeah Wait You kicker you went to bed And kicker you woke up Yeah

Yeah Here's the kicker We went to bed Here's the kicker We woke up the next morning. Yeah. Wait. You kicker, you went to bed and kicker, you woke up? Yeah. Here's the kicker. We went to bed. Here's the kicker. We woke up the next morning. And here's another kicker. Here's the kicker. We needed to eat breakfast.

Okay. Oh, yeah. So you must have had barbecue. Yeah. What? We went to Mexican. Here's the kicker. Oh, okay.

Across the street from where we were staying. Texican Mexican? Was this like very notable food truck. They have these permanent food truck lots there. Oh, so a restaurant. Yeah, with wheels. That had, the wheels haven't moved in like nine years. A loud restaurant with a generator.

Yeah. Delicious Mexican. Sure. Burritos, breakfast, tacos. Breakfast, tacos. Juice. Yeah. Juice.

Here's the kicker. Juice. Delicious. All these places do a real nice juice okay um like you feel like you're getting enough orange yeah yeah um and here's the kicker that kept me full all day until here's so you were there wait you were there for another whole day yeah we had a full day. This is crazy that you didn't have barbecue.

In a full day? I know, I know. This is bonkers. But here's the kicker. Mexican food filled us up right good. And then we went for a dinner at... Was this also part of the wedding? Was this with wedding people? No, now we're on our own.

We're just freewheeling in Austin. So this dinner, you got to be going barbecue. Yeah, I assume you're like, well, we got to go to dinner anyways. This was a Yelp, Bon Appetit internet find that's highly reviewed restaurant in Austin. It's the only restaurant that serves everything but barbecue. So I'm thinking they're going to have barbecue there, and they did have some version of smoked meat, real barbecued meat.

But here's the kicker. The whole style of the food is small share plates. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, man. And you're with a Vegematic. I'm with a Vegematic. Lots of fish. She eats fish.

But you could have gotten one thing just for yourself. There's the kicker. Tell me about it. There was four things that looked really good. We ordered those. The guy says, start with that. Order more later. Yeah.

By the time I'm thinking I'm going to go on my own here, here's the kicker. Yeah, yeah. I'm full. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Is it these large American portions or is it, you're just getting older? Yeah, just a bit of both. Bit of both.

It was just, it was just delicious, very rich. Yeah. Food. So here's the kicker. Yeah. We go back, We go to sleep. We have one more meal the next morning. You didn't sleep eat?

No. No sleep eating. You didn't have dream? Yeah. You didn't get order up. Dream BQ? Yeah. Get some barbecue up from room service.

Here's the kicker. We were so full and so tired from the wedding. We watched three episodes of Undercover Boss. So you go down to Austin. To of Undercover Boss. So you go down to Austin. To watch Undercover Boss. To watch an Undercover Boss marathon. Yes. Can I ask you what episodes you saw?

Do you think the UCB theater, the Undercover Boss theater is the, never mind. I think Amy Poehler's ever done a UCB, UCB. Oh. Oh, you mean if the boss of UCB goes undercover as an improv troupe? It's like... Or a ticket seller. Yeah, do you find out how the organization's doing? Yeah.

We've got a real problem. People are blocking all over the place and there's scene work. But they do good job. And that's on me. I'm the CEO of UCB. But he actually takes off his mustache. To work here, I had to pay a fee. So Amy Poehler shows up with a mustache to hide her identity.

And everybody's like, huh. To see if the organization of UCB. Guys, this is great. Yeah, it's good. Were there any good episodes of this show? Yeah. I mean, it's a tearjerker. Yeah.

You really do stay till the end to see what kind of scholarships these people get. Yeah. That's true. They're always handing out scholarships at the end. Scholarships or a car or...

Anything short of a raise. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Maybe a little extra vacation so they can spend more time with their son. Yeah.

That's true. Oh, your father is dying and you want him to move back home. Here's what I'm going to do. Give you $ Yeah, that's true. Oh, your father is dying and you want him to move back home. Here's what I'm going to do. Give you $3,000. Yeah. Yeah. To build a ramp for him to come.

You had mentioned during our time together that your rubber gloves weren't working. That your mother's in the hospital. And that you had to drop out of school. So we've got you some nice new rubber gloves. Yes. that you had to drop out of school. So we've got you some nice new rubber gloves. Yes.

You mentioned that sometimes when you're checking someone out at Sears, they ask you about the sheets and you're not an expert. Yeah, we're going to let you sleep at work. On any sheet you want. One night, one night. Well, every night, but only when you're not working.

You told me that this job doesn't pay you enough to live anywhere. You can't afford an apartment. So we're going to let you sleep at the store. We're going to let you get a second job. Yeah. We're going to let you work harder. Not smarter.

Harder. So, yeah. So then one more meal. Here's the kicker. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Breakfast. And we should have warned people at the beginning.

Get your kicker counts ready. Yes. Put on your kicker glasses. Have a kicker parade. Kicker tape parade. Kicker tape. So one more meal. We're feeling pretty full of food and beer at this point in the weekend.

Yeah. Thinking, okay, we got to keep this light, fresh. We're going to go on a plane. Yeah. Thinking, okay, we got to keep this light, fresh. We're going to go on a plane. Down the street, highly advertised juice truck slash veggie burger place. Uh-huh.

Texas veggie burger. Big sign saying Texas veggie burger. Famous, famous for their veggie burgers. The biggest veggie burgers. Here's the kicker. All of Texas. Here is why we've arrived at the final kicker. It had better be. It was the best veggie burger I've ever had in my life.

Okay. Have you been to Harvey's? Yeah, Harvey's is amazing. Makes a hamburger a beautiful thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was magic. Really? Yeah.

So you really. One more kicker, I think. Yeah, there was one more kicker. No, that was the kicker. There was no barbecue at the airport? No. Couldn't pick up any to go? There was, but at that point we're done.

We're done eating. Oh, the best barbecue is at the airport. Uh, well there is the, the famous barbecue they have there called the, um, Salt Lick, I think it's called. Has a, has a store in the. Because, uh, you know, like you go to Nova Scotia, you can get a lobster at the airport. I'll take it with you on board. Oh, you can bring a cow home from

Texas if you want. In a big styrofoam thing? Yeah. That's fun. Cut its head off. Cut its throat right in front of you. Sure. Let it bleed out. Yeah. Right next to the shoe polish guy. Because a lot of blood splatter gets on your shoes. And then somebody says,

it looks like you need a polish. Yeah. So here's the kicker. Yeah. We're back here now. Yeah. And there's no barbecue here. The kicker.

That's the kicker. Did you do anything Austin-y? Like, was there any... I don't know what there is in Austin. I just took 10 minutes explaining to you. I'll tell you what they got. Steers. Queers.

Queers. Beers? I don't know. Tears for fears. I don't know what Austin has that's a thing that you have to go see outside of. I don't know. It's hot Portland. Yeah, there's a lot of, it was very hot.

But there's a lot of places that, you know, it would appear to just be a home, a house. Turns out that's a lot of, it was very hot, but there's a lot of places that, uh, you know, it would appear to just be a home, a house. Turns out that's a bar and then the backyard is the patio of this bar. And there's like hundreds of people just sitting and picnic tables in someone's backyard drinking beer. Yeah. Um, yeah, it seemed very fun. Yeah. I think, um, I like that you went to a place and you're like, this seems fun. I'm not going to invest in it.

I didn't have any fun, but. I see fun. Yeah, I see it. I perceive fun. Yeah. Passivist. My funometer is going wild, but. Hey, how was your trip to Disneyland?

It seemed fun. Yeah, yeah. It seemed fun. Like I sat and saw people have fun. Yeah. I was talking to somebody who just did the fringe down in Orlando. And one of the things is the people from the fringe kind of hook you up with passes to all the things. Universal Studios and Disney World. And they went as adults.

And they said it was fun. But I was like, was it? Or were you just so committed to it being fun you were skeptical of i'm skeptical that being fun an adult would have fun at disney world or land you you mean like the way people lie about enjoying pixar movies i enjoy pixar movies i mean not all of them i know there's you've heard about this like I mean, not all of them. I know.

You've heard about this, like, scenario where there's two guards guarding two different doors. Yeah. One of them always lies about liking Pixar movies. One of them always tells the truth. Do you think people lie about liking Pixar movies? I think they act as though there's more in there for adults. I think you're right about that. They convince themselves that they're better than they are. That's interesting.

I mean, the last one that I saw was the last Toy Story one. about that. They convince themselves that they're better than they are. That's interesting. I mean, the last one that I saw was the last Toy Story one. Was this one the inside your body one? Oh, inside out? That was Pixar, right? That was Pixar. Yeah, because that's one everybody was like. I think that would be amazing. That's how everyone says it.

It's a very good educational film. But they already did that with Osmosis Jones. Nobody remembers this movie. They already. But they already did that with Osmosis Jones. Nobody remembers this movie. They already did it with Herman's head. Osmosis Jones. Yeah, it was Chris Rock. It was inside Bill Murray's body. Why wasn't it called Inside Bill Murray's Body?

I know. It would be a classic. Because who's Osmosis Jones? Is he the Johnny Mnemonic for my generation? He's the guy who ran inside Bill Murray's body. He was like a cab driver inside Bill Murray's body. Oh, okay. And then it was all like Bill Murray's body was like the streets of New York?

Yeah. Cool. Yeah, yeah. Pretty much. Oh. Yeah. And they had to get something from like Bill Murray's brain to his butt. Who goes inside the...

To deliver like a message. Special delivery. from like Bill Murray's brain to his butt. Who goes inside the to deliver like a special delivery message Bill you gotta take a crap. Who goes inside Llewyn Davis in that movie?

I think it's Martin Short. Martin Short that's right. From The Bride Father of the Bride the character

Martin Short Plays Goes inside The ship From inner space Right up Inside Llewyn Davis

Llewyn Davis Okay And it's like Oh boy He's got His brain wants to play A song right now Yeah

I better travel down To his fingers Yeah Leap loop Get the finger byes Moving Let me tell you That movie

Seems like fun Yeah Seems fun Who would you guys Get to play Inside you Oh Like who's traveling

Around inside of me Yeah It's gotta be a name actor It'd be cartoon It'd be an animated Somebody who's known For sloth I suppose

You know Who's the most Slothy actor Like our You're not Sloth Am I not You're known for sloth, I suppose. Who's the most slothy actor? You're not a sloth. Am I not? You're not a sloth. I feel like it. I could see, you know, and don't take offense to this.

I'm okay. No brain space. No, I mean, if you're just, I could see. Promise you won't be offended, Graham. I could see like a Seth Rogen being. Seth Rogen, sure. I was circling that. I was thinking Seth Rogen

or his friend. What's his name? He's become a serious actor. James Franco? No, the other guy. Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill, thank you. Who would you picture going inside your body? Osmosis Jones. The sequel.

The sequel. Inside Bill Murray. Wait, what? It would be both of them. Oh, so Bill Murray. I'm like going to rush an egg. Okay, so. It would be Bill Murray inside of me, but it would be Osmosis Jones.

So he shrunk down Bill Murray and then Osmosis Jones. Osmosis Jones is even smaller. He's inside Osmosis Jones. I would pick, for me, it would be Orlando Jones. Oh, yes. Very good at that. I would say more of an Orlando Bloom. Well, we should all be so lucky.

If I could fit him inside me. He's got a nice horn. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, boy. Guys, well, apparently my phone is already blowing up with people mad about what I said about Pixar. How do they know? Yeah. Anyway, so not much is going on with me.

I'm a guy who likes to complain about things. Oh, sure. And doesn't like to go out and do anything. to complain about things. Oh, sure. And doesn't like to go out and do anything. But this past weekend, I went out and I did like, I met up with people and I like traveled around the city and went to multiple locations for multiple things. Tourist in your own city.

Sort of. Okay. I had a friend in town. Yeah. One of my old college buddies. One of your buddies from the war? I don't seem like I have college buddies, do I? Well, no, but it is a convenient sitcom premise

to get us through an episode. And my old college buddy's in town. Bruce Willis walks in the door. Yeah, so we met up at one of the city's many brew pubs Oh yes Did you talk college? Talked college Talked

Like, have you heard from so-and-so? What about that one guy? Remember that crazy guy? That kind of stuff? Yeah, remember that day we sat on the roof? Remember that day we did the thing with the flagpole? This is a very short sidebar, but back to Austin, America, wedding. This is an American thing is to be very connected to your college friends for the rest of your life. Yes. And to be very connected to your college.

Yeah. Whereas in Canada, it's like, I don't know where anybody is anymore. Well, and also people that I know in the States, they'll read the alumni newsletter. Like, they'll actually keep up on alumni. Oh, boy. Or, I don't see them so much. Yeah.

Those decals they put on the back window of their car. Yeah. Proud graduate of Longhorn. Yeah, yeah. Et cetera. Go steers. so i went to uh yeah so i went there i uh and uh had some subpar nachos and then i barbecue my friend pat kelly was holding an event with my friend, Chris Kelly. Ooh. Downtown.

So I got on, uh, uh, I guess I got on a sky train. Is that how I got there? Yeah, sure. Uh, cause,

oh yeah. And then, and so, yeah, I got out of, what was this event? Uh, you say,

yeah, well, it was just Chris and I had been working together for a year now and it was just a celebration of our partnership. Nice. Nice. Yeah. What is that anniversary? Paper, I guess.

Sheets. Oh, God. So many sheets. When it's work-related, it's sheets. Your first year's sheets, and marriage at second. I was impressed with what was there. I wasn't expecting hors d'oeuvres. Oh, hors d'oeuvres.

Like some people walking around with chicken and waffles on a skewer. Those were good, actually. A little much for a skewer. Maybe. Yeah, it was. It was a big skewer. Was this in a conference room or a restaurant? It was a tavern.

It was a tavern. Fun. This is fun. Yeah. Dave, you were a real man about the city. Yeah, I never did. Did you feel like you were in big city dreaming? I was.

Yeah, it was like, I don't know, that guy Fievel when he went west. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt like I was a little guy in a big world. So you went, that's two brew stops all in the same day? Yeah. And then I was... And you dropped some E when, went all day raving? No, I was home in time.

The best part... Your kicker. The kicker, I guess. The best part for me, I was home by seven. Ooh. Shows you how much you can get done in a day. Yeah, if afternoon drinking is the way to go, be home in time to put your baby to bed.

I love it. And I wanted to get there by baby bedtime. So I didn't even try to take a SkyTrain. Yeah. I just hopped in a cab and found out that the SkyTrains were stopped. Oh, nice. Because someone had jumped on the track. Oh, that's not as nice.

I mean, nice that you grabbed a cab, avoided the whole scene. And there were two. It was right at sort of at the stadium station where there's an arena and a stadium. There was a football game and a basketball game, like within a couple hours of each other. And so it was. A basketball game? Yeah, there was a big exhibition game between the Raptors and the Warriors. Cool.

Wow. Which those two things in real life would never fight each other. A warrior and a raptor. Well, if they had lived in the same time, they would have. Yeah. Ever heard of Turok? Yeah. Was there warriors during the raptor era?

Well, no. Wait. No. Do you consider Tyrannosaurus Rex a warrior? No. You don't? He's a dinosaur. Yeah, but of the dinosaurs. He's a thunder lizard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Is that he's a he's a dinosaur yeah but of the of the dinosaur he's a thunder

lizard yeah yeah yeah yeah thank you is that what tyrannosaurus no it's he's a tyrant lizard so this is what dinosaur basketball team names were back like yes so the raptors were just like if we had a basketball team called the humans right yeah it's it's not great but the t-rexes were warrior the warriors yes it was like the tyrannosaurus came out and played well the humans. Right. Yeah. It's not great, but the T-Rexes were the warriors. Yes. It was like the Tyrannosaurus Rex warrior. Because they came out and played. Well, the the raptors, they formed the Toronto Raptors

in like 1995. Yeah. Jurassic Park was still hot. Dinosaurs couldn't have been bigger. What if they had done it, what if they waited, you know, five years? Or what if they had started it the year the big chill came out? Yeah, sure. What if they had done it, what if they waited, you know, five years? Or what if they had started it the year the big chill came out? Yeah, sure. What if they had done it, um...

What would the big chill have been? The Toronto chillers? The Toronto white guys? White fans of Motown? The Toronto boomers? The Toronto boomers? The Toronto cooks? Let's make a pasta sauce. Like, is there going to be a sports team in the next

couple years called the whomever guardians of the galaxy yeah or superhero movies uh we are the superheroes well like uh yeah i think well because when anaheim got their team as the mighty ducks true no ninja turtles were the raptors could have been the ninja turtle yeah a few years earlier it would have been turtles the turtles that would have been cool there i don't think i can think are there any sports team named the turtles no not not a species known for its speed. Or they cower, they hide too. A turtle gets scared, they go into their shell. Yeah. Unless you're a team that's proudly announcing

What about salamanders? Is their team the Sacramento Salamanders? I mean, I'm not asking is their team from Sacramento called the Salamanders. Can I answer that one? No. In your mind, what's the best translation of a scary animal to sports name? Like an animal that you're scared of and that you think, oh, yeah, that's a great name for a sport.

What animals am I scared of? The sharks? The San Jose Sharks? Yeah, sharks. Sharks seem like that was a long time coming that there was a team named the Sharks. You know what, honestly, the animal I'm most afraid of? Bedbugs. I'll say this. The animal that I'm most afraid of? Bed bugs. I'll say this.

The animal that I'm most afraid of when I actually see one? Skunk. Yeah. So there's a good team. Yeah. Sacramento skunks. Cougars are pretty good. They scare me.

Cougars? Yeah, but there's no... You mean like an older lady? Yeah. Here's a single gal. I saw a video yesterday that my friend posted on Facebook of a guy filming himself just after being attacked by a bear. Oh, yeah.

Woo. Woo. My God. No, thanks. Just randomly was filming himself in a bear. No, people film themselves all the time now. Yeah. Snapchat.

So he was Snapchatting his hike? No, he was attacked by a bear like where it on a hiking trail around here round around these parts and uh uh did the pepper spray but it didn't stop the bear from like getting his arm and like slashing his head and he's like i'm on my way to the hospital and he looked like he could still walk and talk. So he was fine. He was going to be fine, but still like, No, thanks.

Pretty shocked. No, thanks. Walking, talking, feeling shocking. Yeah. How do you let a bear know that you love it? It's so funny. I have not made this leap in my life to have the impulse to videotape myself

after something crazy happens. I barely have the thought to take a picture of something crazy. Yeah, I'm the same. Yeah, videotape yourself. Would you take a video of something crazy happening to someone else? Because I know you're not going to run in and help.

I know what you mean. That's occurred to me, actually. I can't think of it off the top of my head, but I remember being in situations where something crazy is happening and you see other people start filming. Well, they got those Snapchat glasses that are on their way.

What? Yeah, Snapchat putting out their own brand of sunglasses. They've got little cameras in them, and they look... Two cameras. Two cameras, and they look good. Unlike the Google Glass that looked very silly. These look like cool

sunglasses. So the kids are going to be videotaping you getting attacked by bears all over the place. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. Here's the kicker. I don't want to do it. Good kicker. Yeah, so had a fun day out. out fun a fun baby's day out yeah you went on a construction beam and then it landed you on a thing and you landed in a full of pillows sure roger rabbit was trying to that's a different baby but but same same

rules apply i guess i never saw Baby's Day Out. I only saw that Roger Rabbit short. Yeah. And I've seen the video box for Baby's Day Out. But I'm really picturing baby genius. They've got glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of babies with glasses.

Therefore, they're smart. Just their eyes are dumb. Yeah. Well, that's pretty good. What's going on with you? Well, a couple couple weeks ago uh i talked about uh going to the dentist and having this dentist basically treat my cleaning like an hour-long infomercial for getting an electric toothbrush oh i know where this story is going yeah so guess who got himself an electric toothbrush were you celebrating your 10th

anniversary with someone the The electric toothbrush. My teeth. These babies have only, I only got my adult teeth when I was 26. And baby teeth up until then, very hard to date. Very hard to date because I couldn't eat anything, no toffee apples. I was afraid of pulling them out. I thought you meant very hard to date. Oh, like anthropologically speaking?

Yeah, like no one wants to date me. I have baby teeth. No, that's what I meant. Very hard to date so you couldn't eat caramel apples on dates? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that what you do on dates, guys? It's been a while. That's the first date protocol.

Yeah. Let's go to the fair, eat a candy apple. Let's eat the worst thing that makes everybody look so uncomfortable. Yeah, but then you're seeing them at their worst, and then you don't deserve them at your best. You've cracked open a tooth. Yeah. You're adorable.

I've only seen the show. Second date, please. I've only seen the show Blind Date, so as far as I'm concerned, the only things you do on a date are mechanical ball, sumo suit, and hot tubs. See, I know dating from the fifth wheel, and so I assume it's just a big limo with five people, right? How did the fifth wheel work? It was two couples.

Just two? It was five people. And then would they swap? No. It was two men, two women, five people And then would they swap? No It was two Two men Two women And then a third Of either gender

But I thought that it was This is The Bachelor in Paradise I think you're describing I thought it was two teams of two And then they introduced A sexy fifth wheel That then Then the person was like

I'm going with the sexy fifth wheel Yeah yeah Like but they weren't The two and two weren't like They've been together for seven years We're gonna see It was like, I'm going with the sexy fifth wheel. Yeah, yeah. But the two and two weren't like, they've been together for seven years. We're going to see. It was like they'd maybe gone on one date with each other. So it was like everybody was kind of willing

to throw somebody underneath the fifth wheel. And then wasn't there, something happened on a bus too? Wasn't there a bus in it? Well, no, it was a big suburban SUV thing. Remember? I don't. I remember them getting on a bus. It was a bus., it was a big, like, suburban SUV thing. Remember? I don't. I remember them getting on a bus.

Maybe it was a bus. But then it was like, it was up to the fifth wheel to realize they were the fifth wheel and be like, I'm out of here. And they would always end up crying. Yeah, they were like, I was on here and I thought Graham and I were... And then Dave showed up and now I'm the one who's got to go.

Yeah. And then people would be like, fifth wheel. You got fifth wheel. You were crying. Dating shows in my eye will never get old. As long as they come up with a new, just even the slightest novelty.

Undercover boss dating. Undercover blouse. What? No, that's a good one where you go on a date. Undercover of darkness. You're cheating on your spouse, but then it's the spouse

that you're cheating with and it's sponsored by Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. No, it's Leo Sayers. It's a Leo Sayer? No, he's whatever who writes Pina Colada. Isn't Whatever who write Pina Colada. Isn't that...

The Pina Colada song. Oh, yeah. Isn't that Jimmy Buffett? Pina Colada song? No, who's the Pina Colada song? Do you like... Yeah, maybe it is Leo Sayer. I don't really...

I don't... It's Leo... You know, I used to, when I was younger, sidebar here. Sidebar. Rupert Holmes. I used to sing that song. I like penis a lot that's a fun

it's fun fun it's fun it's fun so okay Leo Sayre is you make me feel like dancing

I'm gonna dance that way I so I got myself this electric toothbrush I hate it I hate it it just vibrates my head.

I don't... What do people get out of this? Like, I'm a good... I'm a good toothbrusher. I like getting in there. I like working the angles. See, I... You'll get used to it.

Do you think? You're an electro? Yeah. I've had mine long enough that the rubber is coming off. They die. I'm sure it'll die one day. I'm on my second. Oh, okay.

The first one died. Third one's cotton. So you don't move it, right? You just hold it in that quadrant. You move it a bit. Yeah, you move it. But you're not brushing it. No, no, no.

It's just like... Yeah, it brushing it no no no but it's just like yeah it's just like not even oscillating it's just like like this i've got two toothbrushes um uh here's what it gives you yeah two minutes where you can just shut your mind off oh no i feel uh it's rattling my head so it's just it's it's, that's just, that's, you're just new to this. You know, you guys all remember when you first used it and then rattling was very, it felt intense. Now you'll come to want that feeling. Oh,

yeah. Then what if you're somewhere without electricity? But I feel like this is interesting that the dentists are now pushing these because when I first started using it, well, yeah, the hygienist was like, yeah,

they're fine. You can do with with a regular toothbrush. My dentist pretty much just came in and looked at me from the hallway and said, good. I don't understand what dentists do sometimes. They put their name on a card and they tell you to come in every six months. Yeah, that's true. I've never had. Do you think this is partially, do you have problems with your teeth?

Yes. Oh. Very much so. Okay. Never mind then. Why? I don't. Never had anything. It's all, it's gotta all just be

genetic, right? I was gonna say I thought it was because we grew up in a city that had fluoride. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, I've had, I have fillings in most of my teeth and had to have them, like, replaced several times and stuff like that, so. Bad, bad

situation all around. But I'm good at the, I'm good. Brusher, flosser, all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the one I get in trouble for. You don't floss? I try to every time. That's where I shut my brain off.

Then I'm just in the floss zone. When I'm flossing. Apparently that's the thing to do. What? Because your gums need you to floss. Yeah. Although there was just a thing that said don't do it anymore. I know, but it's too late.

I'm already on the floss track. And it makes a difference. Yeah. Growing up, I had a friend whose dad was a dental equipment salesman. Uh-huh. And- A DES? Do you remember the water pick?

Yeah. Absolutely. Big mess on my mirror. Totally unnecessary. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Big mess on my mirror.

Totally unnecessary. Yeah. Yeah. But it's, you know, when electric toothbrushes came out, that must have been the biggest thing in, you know, modern tooth sales. But is it a water pick scenario? In another five years, are they going to be like, these electric toothbrushes are unnecessary? Well, I was told, I've been told both by different dental hygienists. Yes, electric toothbrush. No electric toothbrush.

I'm not sure it was the biggest thing because they, like, tooth cleaning is the most advertised thing on TV. It's always something that whitens or desensitizes or shaving. Shaving is up there too. Yeah, shaving's up there too. Shaving your teeth?

Shaving off, like, just to make them fangs? That's essentially what you're doing. It's Halloween again. Shave down up there too. Yeah, shaving's up there too. Shaving your teeth? Yeah. Shaving off like just to make them fangs? It's essentially what you're doing. It's Halloween again. Shave down those teeth. That's what Schick should or Gillette should do is introduce a razor that has a blade

that does your teeth too. Oh yeah. So it gets your mustache and then you just leave your mouth open. Do you think there's a seventh blade that like Yeah.

Do you think there is someone at Gillette who is like an engineer and has made this super sharp blade that will never go dull. And the marketing department is just like, we don't know how to sell that. Can you just add more blades? Yeah. More blades, maybe like some sort of grip. That's another thing.

Oh, and that vibrating as well. A shaver that vibrates? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it has a blue strip that tells you that, or gives you moisture, apparently. And when the blue strip dries up, you get yourself a new blade, buddy. Oh, yeah. But like, I know in like... You don't have this problem.

No, no, no. Is this why you did this? Huh? Grew a beard? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not liking shaving is part of it. Got it.

I did not like it as a ritual. But you don't like brushing your teeth now, so are you going to grow your teeth out? I might. I might grow out my natural tusks. So, yeah, I don't know. If you guys say that I'm going to get used to it, that this is just part of the hazing of the electric toothbrush movement, then I'll stay the course. I'll go the distance you know when margo before margo had teeth she loved it she would just like when i go when she was teething yeah oh sure she would just vibrate it all up and down them you know

who's terrified of them as dogs oh yeah my dog is terrified of the electric toothbrush yeah sometimes i'll get right do you use it yeah well yeah like why face with it. Do you use it? Yeah, well, yeah. Like, why do you use it on your dog? You've got a separate one for the dog. No, I just, I'll have it in my mouth, and I'll get down on the floor while doing it right beside her, and she just doesn't understand what's happening. You know, that seems mean. Yeah, that's aggressive. It's a couple seconds, guys.

It's a couple seconds. If you asked a dog what would be the most terrifying mascot for a sports team? A man with a toothbrush. Or a vacuum cleaner. The vacuum. Or a person on a skateboard. Or, yeah, or the San Fernando fireworks. Yeah, the Denver doorbells.

Should we move on to overheards? Yeah. Ty is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Gyro. Sacrebleu. Sacrebleu.

Ayers Rock. Uluru. What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts.

Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at maxfundstore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? maxfundstore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment in which we hear great, funny things out there in the world. And then we bring them back here and we share.

We don't just keep them to ourselves. That's so nice of us. We are really nice that way. We're maybe the kindest podcast. I dare you to find a kinder one. I. The podcast Kind. kinder one. I? The podcast, Kind. Oh, boy.

Based on the behavior. Granola bar? Oh, sorry. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Sure. Okay.

Sure, that went a lot of ways. Very well executed. We always like to start with the guests. Pat, would you? Yes. Okay. Okay. So this is a, I'm going to hope, I'm hoping there's a kicker to this. Oh, boy. Executed We always like to start with the guests Pat, would you? Yes, okay So this is a I'm hoping there's a kicker to this Before I start

Let me just tell you from experience There's probably a few Yeah Do you know Just to give a preface a little bit You guys know But maybe your listeners don't Know about the Nooners at the Nat

No These are Baseball games Single A baseball games't know about the Nooners at the Nat? Uh, no. These are single-A baseball games played at Noon. Fun. And then everybody goes home and has sex. Yeah. Did somebody say sex? So it's the Nooner. They call the game the Nooner.

I was at a coffee shop once this summer in sort of late August and overheard this woman talking with another woman very seriously about a relationship problem. And she said nooner probably like 15 times without realizing how ridiculous she said it. So I'll do an impression. She was like, it was so weird. I got a text from him and he was like it was so weird i like got a text from him and he was like you should come to the nooner tomorrow and i was like the nooner like i

don't that's like we just got in a huge fight and anyway he kept saying like come to the nooner come to the nooner so i was like okay fine i texted him back i said okay we'll go to the nooner so we're like at the nooner and it's like really weird because i'm like oh my god i'm at the nooner with him and he is like trying to make up with me and he's, you know, trying to watch the game. And I'm like, I'm thinking to myself like,

what the fuck am I doing at the nooner? She just kept going on and on and on. And, uh, I was just sort of keeping this score in my mind of how many times she said nooner. And that's my over. I love it.

I love it. And good act out. her. I love it. I love it. And good act out. Yeah. And it really, is that over? Is the baseball season done? Yeah, we have a really short season here. Yeah. For single A's.

I think it ends in the beginning of September. Yeah. End of August. Yeah. Because everybody's doing their nooners at school. Yeah. Yeah. But she was really just like in earnest telling this very dramatic story about the problem

with this guy and nooner, Nooner, Nooner. Oh, yeah. Just the whole boy. It would be funny if she, could we think of a funnier word than Nooner? Like Nooner is pretty good, but like. The Nooner. But, you know, he wouldn't go down them. Yeah.

Like a funny. Slip to go down them. Yeah. Like a funny. A slip and dip. Yeah, yeah. So he texted me and was like, can you come in the slip and dip tomorrow? Yeah, yeah. Slip and dip. Or what's a. Cougamonga.

Yeah, yeah. Splashdown Park. That's why I'm at Splashdown Park. Yeah. And then I said, well, we're in a fight. Why would I go to Splashdown Park? Why would I go to Splashdown Park? That's close now.

Yeah. Close forever. Yeah. This was the last summer. Our last water park The last local water park Well I suppose you could go to whatever Cultist Lake

Sure I don't Come on Or the ocean They don't have slides They don't have slides And it's cold And there's also

You could get a fish Could touch a wiener Yeah I could get a fish A fish could do Inside Bill Murray Yeah yeah exactly Fish Love getting in people's butts.

Oh, boy. Fish can do the old Osmosis Jones. That's why they put that netting in the bathing suit. Yeah, in your swim trunks. Yeah, so you can catch a lobster. Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine is from that day. The day that I talked about earlier.

I was downtown. This is your greatest day. This is Dave's day out. Dave's day out. I stepped off a beam and fortunately another beam showed up under my butt. Oh, absolutely.

When I got out of the SkyTrain to go see Pat and Chris and friends, there was a woman, a busker with electricity. Like she had an electric guitar and a microphone busker goes electric yeah so judas pete seger was there trying to take a an axe to her uh the mixing board was it pete seger had the guitar this machine no what he got his passengers

um anyway so this is a woman, singer songwriter was playing. Yeah. And then I went. Originals? Yeah. Oh, wow. I didn't, I didn't catch that, what she was playing at the time. Oh, so the overheard wasn't her music.

Not yet. Okay. So then I went and went to your party for, I think, uh, two hours or however long I was obliged to go. I don't know. It was really, you guys were like, no one can leave. Until we all get a selfie. Until we all do a video. Let's all put our shoes in the middle and take pictures of our shoes.

Friends. So, two hours later, I left the party. This woman's still out there playing her songs. And as I walked past her, I just heard her introduce the next song she was going to play. And I just heard her say, going to sing a song for you. This song was inspired by Celine Dion and Rene. So it wasn't written by Celine Dion. No, it's inspired by their love.

It's just their love and life together. Wow. Hey, man, that's pretty much my every day. Look, her songs are torn from the headlines, just like a Law & Order episode. I saw an ad for modern day Celine Dion. Is she still in Vegas? I don't know what this ad was for. a tour i think she's on tour but yeah but most most ads you see for her are for

not modern yeah it's on ad for like old timey she hasn't learned english yet but she in the ad she does the highest kick and i was like i don't remember that being a part of what song would she kick during oh i guess she does a cover of jump yeah like a crazy rock kick like but a very high oh yeah maybe she's doing uh might as well jump that's oh is that what that song is called? Jump. Oh. Yeah. No, she's very, she gives her. I know she gives her, but a lot of her songs don't give to kicking. Well, yeah, but no, she'll do a triumphant thing. What's her most triumphant song that has a moment that. Titanic song.

Wherever you are. Yeah. Kicks a soccer ball into the ice. There's Rod Stewart in it. I had, I'm kicking a soccer ball into the ice. It's Rod Stewart in it. I'm very flexible. Yeah. You can touch your dick. Well, with your hand.

I'm so flexible, I can touch my dick with my hand. I'm so flexible, I can touch my dick with permission. But I can kick quite high, and i was just walking in my house and i saw myself in the mirror and i decided to kick really high yeah and then i tried to kick high with my other leg and i couldn't and i was i got very sad i was like oh no it's it's all going yeah yeah and then i realized oh i just had keys in my pocket. Took them out. Super high kick. Still got the kicks. Wherever you are, boom. Take that.

Boom, lights. Flashpots. Does anybody in this room know another Celine Dion song? Yeah, that one, it's all coming back to me, back to me now. Is there a kick in it? Probably. Yeah, I guess that would be a good one to have a kick in it. I'm going uh pull her up

i mean this i feel uh oh she sings might as well kick yeah that's true yeah uh kick it kick it to the limit yeah the power of love uh power of love is a curious thing oh yeah i know that one yeah yeah back to the Future. I don't know. I pulled her. All her songs would just have these titles that you wouldn't even know what the song is. The only reason I know it's all coming back to me now is because it had a really epic music video. Right. And it was right in the pocket of when music videos were million dollar budget. But like her Vegas show.

And it was a meatloaf song as well. Yeah. Her Vegas show must be like a party, not like come here and cry. But I think people do go you know, because that was the first time they gave somebody a handjob was during the Titanic movie. Right. That's when I give someone a flip job. Do you think there's like a kitsch factor to going to Celine Dion

in Vegas? Absolutely. Going to see Britney or you know. Oh. I'm everything I am going to Celine Dion in Vegas. Absolutely. The same way they're going to see Britney or, you know, whatever. I'm everything I am. Because you love me. Swap kicks. Hi-ya. She brings out a UFC guy.

Kicks him in the face. Yeah. Yeah. This is my song, Ground and Pound. She wouldn't have to. She goes, hi She goes high kicks. Muay Thai woman. I'm a Muay Thai woman.

Do Vegas acts ever do mashups? Yeah. Like you have like Carrot Top visiting Celine's show. They're all buddies. I know that. Well, maybe not Celine, but I know that, you know, like Carrot Top and Chris Angel are good buddies. Sure. Same with Penn and Teller. They all hang.

Well, Penn and Teller are good buddies. Yeah. No, no. They don't talk. They take. They don't talk. Well, Teller does talk. Teller's giving the silent review.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Graham, do you have an order? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was waiting to get on the ferry to Victoria, BC. This is a boat. This is a boat. And we, myself and Ben McGinnis, who I was working with that weekend, we missed the ferry. So we had to sit in the, there's like a food court, basically.

Oh, yeah. They've set up on the ferry terminal. I know what you mean. And, I mean, it's, you know, it's a tough choice because everything in there is going to make you not feel good. Mm-hmm. But I was eating Chinese food, worst possible choice, I think. And there was a couple next to me that were, the entire time I was sitting next to them, were talking about their retainers.

The entire time I was sitting next to them, we're talking about their retainers. And the girl was talking about how she doesn't like wearing it overnight. And then the guy was like, oh, but I always do. I always wear mine overnight. And she goes, yeah, I don't. And then she had a moment and she was like, oh, I think I left my retainer at home. So they were doing all this retainer talk. And then she suddenly realized

no retainer. So you're going to have to wake up halfway through the night, put his retainer in because otherwise her teeth are going to move. What if your teeth

were so volatile that if you missed one night without your retainer? Oh boy. Anyways, so that was, she realized halfway through. I don't even have a retainer. I've been talking a big retainer. Oh, boy. Anyways, so that was, she realized halfway through. I have a retainer. I've been talking a big retainer game this whole time.

Oh, yeah? You know so much about your retainer. Where is it right now? Well, I, yeah, it's 4 a.m. What's your retainer doing? My retainer, when I was, I never wore my retainer, and I kept telling my orthodontist that I did. Yeah, sure.

Whatever. Yeah. Keep that lie alive. I was the one that made my braces and everything come off because I came back from the orthodontist, and he was like, looking good. Everything's looking great. We're right on track. We've got to add some elasticsastics or whatever yeah we're doing good yeah it's how we do on fun colors i went to my dad and i said i think we're being scammed here

because i'm gonna be honest with you i don't wear any of this shit that he tells me i have to wear even your braces like the i had a headgear and all this stuff and he said as soon as you got home you broke up your braces dad i'm not even wearing those so the next the next week my dad made an appointment and told them to take the my braces off so you're you're like an investigative you're like scams and flames i was a scams and flames good for you um but that's yeah my retainer was in its plastic thing beside my bed for like a year. I broke my retainer at one point and my parents made me pay for a new one. And they are expensive.

Because they don't keep the mold. They got to remold your face. Oh, really? They broke the mold with you. I wore mine all the time. Although, when I graduated high school, I still had my retainer and I still wore it at night. I wonder if I still have my retainer. If you had a retainer, would it still fit?

I don't know. I know what I'm doing the next time I go to my parents' house. But I never got the okay to stop wearing it or anything. No one at MIT is wearing it. Are they? Yeah. But yeah, that's what I mean. I mean, so that's what I came clean with my father and said,

this guy keeps telling us that we're making great progress and everything's working. And I'm telling you, I'm not wearing any of this stuff. And dad, he makes me take my shirt off. What's that about? Why is he always x-raying my chest? I'll put an elastic around that, too. Yeah, I just, I never kept, that was my problem is that I would, you know, because you have to pop it out to eat or whatever.

And so I just throw it in my pocket. I didn't put it in the case because if you walked around, it would rattle in the case. And I did not like that. So that's how I broke my. Attention on your retainer. Yeah, absolutely. I'm trying to. I still wear my night guard. Yeah. It's got real chomp marks on it.

I'm going to bite through it one of these days. And that means that you win. Once you bite through your, you're done. You get free dentistry for life. Your face goes on the wall of fame. Now we also have overheard sent in to us by people from all over the place Good tooth episode

Yeah really good tooth talk If you want to send one in to us You can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org This first one comes from Tyler D In Springfield, Missouri I came into the office this morning And overheard two women talking about the weekend

Woman one Did you hear Arnold Palmer died? Woman two, oh no, I love Arnold Palmers. Oh, wow. Yeah. Usually you go back in time for these overheards. This is a recent one. Yeah. Well, I figured I saw it and I was like, this one needs current.

Yeah, this is important. It's true. There is a whole group of people out there that are sad because they think the drink will stop now. Yeah. The day when I found out he died, I was like, oh, I'll celebrate. I'll celebrate. Finally, I'm free. With an Arnold Palmer.

But I didn't have any of it. We think we just had lemonade. Here's the question. Is an Arnold Palmer, like a traditional Arnold Palmer, does it have booze in it? No. It's just lemonade and iced tea. 50-50, yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Because there was a woman in Texas who ordered one at like 8.30 in the morning next to me, and I was like, ooh. But that's still, you shouldn't be drinking that much sugar at 8.30 in the morning. But they are refreshing. Yeah, but they're not a breakfast drink. Well, you could have a booze drink. He drinks a breakfast drink. He drinks a lunch drink. Then he eats a sensible dude.

Oh, it's an Arnold. You know what it is? This is the joke. This is an Arnold Palmer with boozes called the John Daly. There it is. That's fun. Yeah. May he rest in peace.

John Daly died? Oh. Yeah. Never got a drink named after him. Such long drives. He was the bad boy wasn't he john daly yeah bad boy of golf um this next one comes from kareen k my friend's kid to her younger brother at bedtime never go downstairs in the middle of the night the easter bunny might be down there and he'll claw you sure i don't know terrifying imagery for a child there's

never been a horror movie based on the easter bunny to my knowledge i'm sure there has yeah i'm i'm that sounds very familiar like i'm picturing yeah like a scary bunny uh yeah um is it like an apex twin video or something well there was a scary bunny in that movie Donnie Darko. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what I'm hearing. I'm picturing blood. Did it claw people? Well, there was the bunny in the Monty Python.

No. That's also what I'm thinking. Holy Grail, where the bunny attacks them. Attacks them, yeah. Those are the only two. What energizer bunny. What would be more scary to you as a child?

A scary bunny, like the Easter bunny horror movie? Or the Tooth Fairy horror movie? Starring Larry the Cable Guy? The Rock was in the original, and Larry the Cable Guy was in the sequel. That's a step up. For the franchise, if you say.

Those guys are adorable goofball big guys i would be scared if the rock was in my bedroom yeah and i was a kid with no teeth or 26 when i lost my chance but go full horror uh yeah the two like a tooth yeah go fujo like a tooth fairy that comes in the night and does Saw style, like pulls out your teeth? Yeah, yeah. Or an Easter bunny that sticks an egg in your butt? Yeah. Like an egg full of nails. Or an egg that then hatches and it's a crocodile that runs into your butt.

Yeah, a lot of Muscle Jones in there. Tooth fairy, I think, would be more scary. Agreed. I'm glad we all agree. Absolutely. This last one comes from Jonathan D. This is in Pickering, Ontario.

I just now overheard a teacher address his civics class about civic duty and action he was speaking about the wrongs done to individuals by others in society and that sometimes wrongs are truly by accident as he is explaining that a wrong a harm done to one individual to by one individual to another can truly be by accident a student interrupts to inform the class, I was an accident.

Excuse me, teacher, if I could interject. I have somewhat of expertise on this issue. I'm a bit of an accident. I'm an expert in this. Because my whole existence is. Are you an accident? Am I an accident? Aren't we all accidents?

No. I mean, cosmically speaking. Yes. Oh, sure. Well, you know, we're made of star stuff. No. If we plan to have our babies. Not the exact every minute of it.

Sort of. You're like, tonight's the night. Boom, boom, boom. And then nine months later, kaboom. Yeah, no. Nine months later, here's the kicker. Baby. When we talk about accidental wrongs in society, the first thing that came to mind is when, like, I'll accidentally step on Abby's heel and her shoe will come off.

Yep. And that's truly an accident. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. You know, like some people, it's, accident denotes something bad. Like a pale falling on your head. Yeah. You know, that's an accident. Unless it was placed there by prankster Howie Mandel.

Sure. In which case, it's not in there. In which case, take this bucket off my head so I can see the hidden camera. Oh, it's in his glasses.

How he do it. In addition, over... So, like, with these Snapchat glasses, everything's a prank show now. Everything's a Howie do it.

Right. They should rename Snapchat Howie Chat. Howie Chat. Oh, they should. Snap Mandel. Right. They should rename Snapchat how we do it. Snapchat. Oh, they should. Snapmandal. Yeah.

In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number

is 1-844-SPYPOD1. That spells out one. Ugh. Ugh. Spypod one. Like these people

here. Hello, Dave and Graham and guests. My name is addy and i'm calling in with an overheard so i work at a community college but in a position that like takes me into high schools a lot so i was at one high school today and i heard half a conversation between two kids in the hallway um so I heard one kid say to the other, I would take so many chances if I lived inside a volcano. If I lived inside a volcano, I would be a bold man. Yeah. I mean, it's bold to buy real estate inside a volcano.

Sure. Because you really, you plan the market. You made that choice. Yeah. I mean, it really is that's a bubble that's going to burst oh yeah a bubble of plasma yeah of plasma isn't that is it magma magma who wait what's the plasma is a television what are the tvs made out of magma magma magma magma vox plasma plasma is blood platelets yeah yeah it's the human volcano oh sure that was my wrestling name where else could you live that would you proudly

pronounce you're a bold man like you know under the sea old man yeah above the sea like on one of your stilts like your house is on stilts above the sea oh sure if i lived in a i mean tokyo i'd be a bold man oh what about buckingham palace yeah you'd be pretty bold or in moving in like um a catapult that's oh yeah any minute now and there's a there's a guy there just working away with a butter knife. Yeah, or he's trying to hold it in place so you don't fly away but he's sweating. Oh yeah. Or like on a game of perfection. Yes, if you live on a game of perfection.

That's all the problematic bubble? No, that's trouble. Oh yes. But pop goes perfection. I remember that from school. Here's your next phone call, Fraser. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Linda calling from Greater Vancouver.

I teach kindergarten, and we were getting ready for the Terry Fox run. And I said to my students, oh, can anyone tell me something about Terry Fox or tell me who Terry Fox is? And one of the students raises his hand, and I asked him, and he said, oh, Terry Fox is a guy who had cancer. He hacked off his own leg. So I guess we have some work to do there. Thanks. Yeah, he was our equivalent of the guy from Moby Dick. Ishmael.

I thought you were going to say the guy from 127 Hours. Oh, yeah, but that was his arm, though. Different body part. Well, different country. Yeah, that's true. I was just thinking, actually, last night for some reason, that if you said the phrase Terry Fox Run, that for people from America, they would go. Well, they do them around the world. Do they?

But I don't think it's that famous. In the 80s, he ran across Canada. He had lost his leg to cancers. He ran across Canada. He had lost his leg to cancer and he ran across. Ran across Canada. He ran a marathon a day to raise money. But he didn't finish it. No. No, because of Thunder Bay.

Yeah. And he, they made a movie like about it. And it's like a very famous actor plays his dad in it. Whoever was driving the van. I can't remember who it is, but it's like a very famous actor plays his dad in it. Whoever was driving the van. I can't remember who it is, but it's like. Is it Leslie Nielsen? Yeah. No, that was in the parody version that came later.

Sure. But it's anyways. Yeah. That's a thing that happens. I didn't realize it. It happens around the world. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So maybe people do know what it is. Anyways, I don't know what it is anyways i don't know what people know that kid didn't know enough yeah come on five-year-old get it together here's your final overheard hello this is dominic from denver i'm a high school english teacher and i was chaperoning a dance when uh i overheard a student say to his five or six friends, hey, everybody, put your hands in, at which point he went one, two, three,

and then they all said with a sense of childlike wonderment to the heavens, blowjobs. Yeah, they made a deal. They're packed.'re gonna all losing it american pie ourselves um how old were they uh high school yeah early high school i liked your notion of uh a dance just for the teachers maybe that's what they do on pro days. Is that, what was his notion?

Isn't that what you said? Oh, I just said a lot of these overheards. All three were teachers. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said they were chaperoning

a dance for teachers. That's what I heard. They should have a dance for teachers. It's called like McNally's Pub on Friday nights. You know who does

a great cover of Hot for Teacher? Celine Dion. Oh, yeah, yeah. She does all Van Halen's hits. But wouldn't it be? Just the David Lee Roth ones.

It would be amazing if you were a kid and you were like, oh, I forgot to get my math textbook and it's a pro day, but I think the janitor will let me in

and then you go and the teachers are having a day. In the gym? In the gym. I gotta go get my, I left my gym shorts in my locker. My mom wants to wash them. Yeah, yeah.

And then you go. What kind of dancing would it be? Grinding. They're grinding up on each other. I was imagining slow dancing with the disc, like the mirror ball. I was imagining like everybody's on like ecstasy, like an EDM rave style dancing. I'm picturing there's one, there's a couple

teachers making out in the corner. Another teacher's spiking the punch. All your dance tropes. Dance tropes and dance tropes. But the twist here, the chaperones, a couple of kids. A couple of kids gotta keep tabs on everything. School president.

We need two inches between you two yeah hands above the waist hands above the waist mr edwards what is a high school dance like while we know yeah group of boys putting their hands i think it's still the same it's got to be the same as always if everyone just i never went to a single one here's what's different. Phones. Yeah. Phones. Either you can be on a phone and pretend that you don't care that the dance is happening, or when the boys are standing on one side and the girls are standing on the other, you can text the girl.

Yeah. But I also think, too, the separation of church and state. It's important. It's important. The unified sort of supposed interest in the same kind of music is gone now, too. Oh, there's no universal hits. There's no universal hits that are across the board. Like, you know, there's probably going to play some Ariana Grande.

But when I was in high school, I didn't like, you know, the R&B that people were dancing to. No. Yeah. I was probably more niche-ified than ever. You dance to whatever the girl will dance to. Like Hotline Bling is what they're dancing to.

Yeah. Absolutely. I would put in a request for anything ska and then I'd wait. I'd wait all night and then the last song they would play is

More Than Words. Never Had To Knock On Wood. That would be the last song of the night. Alright everyone, now's your chance. Your chance to come on wood. That would be the last song of the night. All right, everyone, now's your chance. Your chance to come out and skate. They don't end every dance still with In Excess, Now Retire Us Apart?

No. No. Or More Than Words? Well, More Than Words, baby. But I think the one that was huge was... We can live! For a thousand years! So the one that was huge was... November Rain was a big one. Because it was long, gave you maximum contact time. And it was sweat.

With your dancing partner. Sweatiness. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Let's go to a high school. Oh, no. Let's become teachers so we can go to a high school.

Let's go meet some high school teachers. I got some childhood friends. Yeah. Hey, this sounds great. So, Mr. Kelly. Yes. Thank you very much for joining us on the show. Thank you very much for having me.

When does this crazy book come out? When can a consumer buy it in a store? Well, depending when you this what's puts on to the interwebs this is it will be I think October no what do you want to call it so it'll be physically in stores by like November 1st but you can do a pre-order right now on Amazon. Amazon.ca? Yeah.

Not on.com? I don't know. Maybe? No. I think just go CA. Go CA. Yeah. This is that travel guide to Canada.

This is amazing. Yeah. And this is that is on the radio right now as we speak. Yep. When's its broadcast? A lot. It's on Saturdays at 11.30 in the morning. A.M.

And Thursdays at 11.30. And you can podcast it at any time. Yeah. Day or night? Yeah. Noon or midnight? Do it at noon. Yeah.

Better. Absolutely. And anything else? No. That's good. I mean, that's what I, that's the whole reason I was here. Absolutely. And yeah, anything else? Anything else? I mean, that's what I, that's the whole reason I was here. Yeah. And you did your job. Yeah, you did.

Move product off the shelf. And for a limited time, Dave will sign every book. Oh, that's cool. Will he sign your name? Yeah. That's fun. That's synergy. Yeah, I'll sign any book.

If anyone sends me a book, I'll sign it. Yeah. Of any author. But will you personalize the greeting in it, will you say? No, no. It'll be like John Grisham novel. You'll be like, thanks for reading Dave Shumka. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Keep at it. Yeah. Stay in school. Dave Shumka. Don't trust the man. Yeah, yeah.

John Grisham. John Grisham. Yeah. The man. Yeah, yeah. John Grisham. John Grisham. Yeah.

And as far as plugs, I guess at the end of this week, when this podcast comes out, we will be in Victoria. Oh, the spookiest. The spookiest. Canadian provincial capital there is. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. How did your show go in Edmonton and Saskatoon? They were great.

Were they? Yeah, we had fun. Thanks, everybody everybody for coming out I got mugged Dave got mugged After the show But Luckily

It was the same person Who mugged Kim Kardashian And now Dave's got His own show on TMZ They needed to Unload What they stole

From Kim Kardashian Yeah What did they steal? A ring? Some money I think Nine million dollars Worth of jewelry Including a 4..5 million ring.

You know what's going to be hard? Which, by the way, it's a spicy meatball. Yeah, that's a spicy meatball. It's going to be hard to move that ice. How could it be worth that much? You know, somebody priced it.

Shouldn't it be the size of a house if it's that much? It's the cost of a house and then eight other houses. James Corden said not to make fun of ourselves. Oh, did he? Yeah. When it's time to be serious, James Corden is loud and proud.

When it's time to be funny, he disappears. Where did James Corden go? Yeah, James. Everyone's making jokes. James Corden, a lonely nation turns its eyes to you. Oh, boy. second job james gordon a lonely nation turns his eyes to you oh boy anyways uh if you like the show you should head over to maximumfund.org check out our blog recap dave puts together each and every week pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast i can find a picture of celine

dion kicking yeah i mean a video all the better but i mean A still photo at the maximum height. There's the kicker. A picture of a barbecue. Yeah. Austin's famous airport barbecue. Yeah. Sheets. Sheets. Sheetsets.

Yeah. Yeah. She sells teeth. Sheetsets. Some sort of toothpick. At the Sears Sheetsets sale. You're so happy about that. Oh, I am.

And I'm happy that you're happy. Some twisters work best when you say them slowly and with purpose. She sells sheet sets at the Sears Sheet Set Sale. Thanks, everybody, for listening. If you like the podcast, please tell a friend and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported