Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 450 - Debra DiGiovanni

Episode Date: October 31, 2016

Comedian Debra DiGiovanni returns to talk sugar substitutes, pumpkin carving, and Three Men and a Baby.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 450 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's not, I don't know that he's convinced that 450 is a magical number. But I guess it's not not a magical number, Mr. Dave Shilka. Yeah, it's got a zero at the end.

Yeah. And a five. Fives are big. Fives are big. Fours are unlucky in the chinese culture sure but i'm i'm like uh i've been doing a lot of kabbalah lately oh yeah i remember that yeah i do a little bit of kabbalah here and there i wear a little red red red string string you call madonna on the weekend yeah i call her madge yeah i say hey madge i soaked in it and she doesn't get the reference she should though she's been around yeah yeah

that period of time but Madge is a nickname for her right yeah I mean what are the other Madonna nicknames the Divine Miss M

yeah the Material Girl Material Girl Breathless the Blonde Bombshell yeah that's it Dick Tracy's girlfriend yeah Breathless. Blonde Bombshell. Yeah. That's it.

Dick Tracy's girlfriend. Breathless Mahoney. Yeah, a league of her own. Yeah. Material Girl. I've already said it. I think that's it. Yeah, the sex author. Yeah, sex author.

Speaking of sex author. What? Best intro ever. Our guest today, a very hilarious comedian, a return guest on the show, Miss Debra DiGiovanni. Hello. Hello. Yay. I can't think of another name for Madonna and it's upsetting me.

Yeah. Because I feel like Madge is not the only one. Midge. Midge. Yeah, Midge. Miss, Mrs. Ritchie. Oh, yeah. For a time.

Ex-Mrs. Ritchie. Mumsy. No, that yeah Ex Mrs. Richie Yeah Mumsy No that's just me I call her Mumsy She will not respond to Mumsy I just googled it Here are nine

What is it? Here are nine of her nicknames Oh my gosh Mo Mo Okay Never That's a reach

Esther Esther Oh Esther Yeah I've heard of Esther Is that her Kabbalah name? It might be a Kabbalah name Mine's David Madge Madge Yeah The Queen of Pop Is that her Kabbalah name? It might be a Kabbalah name. Mine's David.

Madge. Madge. The Queen of Pop. Was she though? I don't know. I guess she was. Is. Sorry.

She's still alive. Well, she's been dethroned. No, but who? Oh boy, I want to say Demi Lovato. Oh my God. Five. The Material Girl. These aren't in any order, but I'm just counting. Yeah, my God. Five. The Material Girl. These aren't in any order, but I'm just counting. Yeah.

Maddie. Sure. That one, that sounds made up. It sounds like a dog. Yeah, come on. The Queen of Reinvention. That's barely even a nickname. You can't be the Queen of two things.

Well, I mean, and Demi Lovato's the Queen of Reinvention. Everyone does that. Also, it's a reinvention. Can you reinvent something? Just yourself? Yeah, I don't know. Well, she did. Remember, she used to have short hair, and then she had long hair for a long time.

You can reinvent yourself. She was naked all the time. But, like, they... That's right. People are always like, hey, let's not reinvent the wheel here. Oh, yeah. It's a bad thing. Yeah.

Well, she... I feel like she's going to be the first pop star to upload her brain into a computer. She's going to be the first singularity pop star. The next is M, just the letter M. Sure. And finally, Nani. These are, come on. Is that like an Italian grandma name?

No, that's actually Nona. Nona. But Nani may be as cute as well. We'll take that. Should we get to Nona? We haven't yet no get to know us

now we were just talking just before the podcast yeah you for 34 days have quit 37 37

oh yeah 37 days have quit all sugar yes that's outstanding how is it going it's terrifying you know what I gotta tell you

the first two weeks it was like I felt I honestly felt like I was going insane. What was the thing you wanted the most? Oh, gosh. You know, honestly, just like, I think to like spaghetti sauce. Like, like I want. That's good sugar in it?

Yeah. Like, but like jarred, like canned, you know, like ragu. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want. That's what my brain is like. That's right. Because it's dirty. You know, if you make your own spaghetti sauce, great. That's what I want. That's what my brain is like. Because it's dirty.

You know, if you make your own spaghetti sauce, great. But they put a ton. I make it in a very dirty pot. They put a ton of sugar in that. Really? Oh, my gosh, yeah. Ketchup. You know, that kind of stuff.

Oh, my God. That's why kids like ketchup, because it's half sugar. I never got, I don't think I ever got into ketchup. It was just always there. Oh, no, I'm super into ketchup. Are you super into it? Oh, my God. Artisanal ketchup. You go to all the ketchup farmer's markets. just always there. Oh, no, I'm super into ketchup. Are you super into it? Oh, my God. Artisanal ketchup.

You go to all the ketchup farmer's markets? Bring it on. Yeah, yeah, love ketchup. But I think it's like really, it's just the big one for me, honestly, super addicted to Coca-Cola.

Yeah. I'm telling you, 37 days, I haven't had a Coca-Cola in 37 days. I think that's the longest I've ever gone in my entire life.

Yeah, they used to put it in your bottle. Have you had... I have no teeth. Is there a sugarless Coke? Coke Zero? Yeah, I'll do a Diet Coke every once in a while, but I'm trying not to do aspartame as well.

It's very hard. When I was a kid and my mom would drink Diet Coke, I would be like, this is garbage. You knew even then. Well, of course. It tastes bad. It hurts your mouth. It's the official beverage of mom.

It is. My mother used to drink like nine a day and wonder what was what. Is that wrong? I'm like, yes. It is wrong. Nine a day. Seriously. What were the sugar substitutes?

Sweet and low? Sweet and low sweet and low equal equal so 80s in my mind like everything is equal to blue pack yes it is yeah yeah yeah yeah and then there's the new one that uh everybody is is the semi-new but now the real news are like stevia and stuff like that which i think tastes horrendous. Really? Awful. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? But like stevia is, isn't it technically sugar? It's from, it's more, it's way more natural. It's way better for you. So, yeah.

But. But agave, do you ever do agave? No. Agave is also very natural. Like it's, it's, it's. Is that what tequila is made out of? It is. Oh, yeah. Nice one.

But that's only good like with tea, you know. Yeah. That's very nice with tea. But that's only good like with tea. Yeah. But that's like a liquid. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that I could like I think to myself, I don't want to. Absolutely. I do.

And I see a baby cry. I think of equal. Yeah. I slap that thing of hitting the flicking. Oh, yeah. A little sugar. Oh, yeah. What was the one that came in the yellow

was that sugar twin oh yeah twin we forgot twin that was an 80s one how did you forget that was my my grandfather always had sugar twin

oh yeah and I remember like even when you looked at it like when you poured it out it was weird shapes because sugar was like a kind of like granular

yeah but this was like flakes. It was really. Are you a coffee drinker? Yes. And you like sugar in your coffee? I'm trying to wean myself off of it. Because that was and I'm dying. That was I am. I'm dying. I never

have successfully cut sugar out just because I eat ice cream every single day. But. I thought you not going to say coffee. No, no, no ice cream. No,

because coffee, I did manage to get the sugar. I'm a lot of milk. Splenda. I'm like doing, yeah, I do. I'm doing,

that's exactly me too. That's what I'll put like cream in it and not have sugar, but I'm trying, I still do a couple of Splenda's in my coffee and I'm just trying to reduce that. And you don't drink, you don't drink a lot. You're not a booze a hall. Right now. I don't drink alcohol. I don't smoke coffee and I'm just trying to reduce that and reduce that and you don't drink you don't drink a lot you're not a booze-a-hall person right now I don't drink alcohol I don't smoke pot

and I don't I don't have sugar I am officially the most boring person on the planet you're a quaker I'm not I am a quaker

I'm a Mennonite yeah oh my god you're a Puritan Jesus you were telling me oh it's awful when you were in high school

all the Mormon kids would sneak coke. Oh, yeah. The high school dances, because there would always be cheap pop. Oh, yeah. And oh, man. And they would go nuts. They'd bring their quarters. I had a neighbor growing up.

We had our neighborhood gang. We had all the girls that hung out. And Lisa Carroll, I remember, she was never allowed to have candy until she was with us. You know what I mean? Right. She would be away from her family. She would go psychotic, like would have it and then just be like a crazy child spinning out of control.

I remember when she tried to see how many pieces of gum she could put in her mouth. She almost died. Like it was literally, there was like gum juice running down her face and she almost choked on it. We were just like, yeah, you're nine years old, you're more Crayamoran! And she was dying. Chubby bunny, chubby bunny. It was just, and we loved it.

Wow, what a great death. You know when they talk about a great death? Oh yeah, sure. My parents would never, I was the same way, my parents would never let me have ecstasy. And then, whenever I went to a rape, I would do so much. That weirdo prudes your family. My parents said

they'd rather that I did it at home. With the family, as a family. I understand. Just doing ecstasy around the dinner table. Oh my God. Can you pass the pacifier?

Let's give each other back rubs in a circle. Were you, were you part of a family that wouldn't let you do a thing that was a childhood everybody else was doing? Or did you have carte blanche? No, I definitely didn't have carte blanche, but we weren't. It wasn't super like, I think we're pretty normal. You know, my family's very religious.

They always have been. So that makes it slightly less normal. But it was, you know. Episcopalian. What did you call me? Yeah, they just, it was pretty regular. I mean, like, you know, it wasn't, we were never gorged on sugar. Right, but it was like.

There were definitely treats. And you had TV. Yes, and TV and, you know, and whatever. And, you know, fun clothes. My mother never bothered me about what I wanted to wear, which I found very interesting. Okay, the things my mom never bothered me about my, because I've always been

one of those, still am, like one of the girls that would be like, go crazy over a celebrity, like Duran Duran. I love you! You know what I mean?

It was just like, I would weep. I love, you don't understand, I love John Taylor. I love, I mean, I would, you know, and that still lingers

in my life my mother never had a problem with it she just whatever plaster my walls with Duran Duran and my mom was just like okay

never had a problem with it and then when I went through my ridiculous clothing stage never had a problem and I thought she would because that was you know like the kind of woman she was

I thought she would she had no problem she'd just be like one day you're going to see pictures and laugh and I'd be like what and I do as like what and I do as a father now

I'm like oh I want yes if my daughter's ever like dad can I get cornrows yes you can yes you absolutely can but I'm gonna take so many pictures

oh my god yeah that's it dad I'm really into Duran Duran oh my god now weird the old Duran Duran this one

do you have a you said you've always sort of been like, you've developed mild obsessions. Yes. What's the current one? Oh, goodness. You know what, though? There is, I feel like I might blush right now. But anyway, I'm a little obsessed with a couple models on Instagram.

Instagram is ruining my life. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to tell you this. Like, I can spend hours just looking at pictures of gorgeous male Instagram. Instagram is ruining my life. I'm going to tell you this. I can spend hours just looking at pictures of gorgeous male models. There is one. His name is... Oh my gosh. His name is Christopher

Mason and he is... He's so gorgeous. It hurts my soul. There's one little video that I watch of him over and over again and all he does is like six seconds long. And all he does is he loosens his tie and he's chewing gum. And I literally jerk off to that three times a week.

It is spank bank number one with a bullet. He's so hot. I could, I'm ill. Are you looking up right now? Yeah, I probably won't find the video. I just wanted to see a picture of this bloke. Oh my God. Oh my God.

He looks like Graham. Yeah. He does. He looks like Graham crossed with Smith from Sex and the City. Oh yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. Oh yeah. Oh, that's a good one too. More fanning. If you're chewing gum right now, Graham, you better move over. Okay.

All right. Brace yourself. Yeah, but that's it. And I was always, I was always big on unrequited love. That was me. There are boys from my high school. I'm so sorry. Like, I just, I made some boys, like, their lives hell.

Why? What did you do? Just because I would be like, I just love them so much. And they were like, oh, the girl with the weird clothes is coming over. Oh, you don't even know. Like, okay, when I was 14. Oh, I'm embarrassed thinking about it. Okay.

This is. Oh, no. I have to tell you with my hands over my eyes. When I was 14, my across the street neighbor, Tim Rowland, he was 18. I loved him so much. Oh, my God. And, you know, we drank young in my small town. So, I would.

Oh, God. I remember once getting. What small town was this? A little town called Tilsonburg, Ontario. Tilsonburg. Yes, of course. And I. Oh, we drank young in my small town. So I would, oh, God, I remember once getting. What small town was this? A little town called Tilsonburg, Ontario. Tilsonburg, yes, of course. And I, oh, my God. I remember just getting, like, we would get drunk, and I would call him.

And like, is this a good idea? I'm 14. Will you marry me? It's the best idea. Will you marry me? Oh, my God. I think once. Okay, this is horrifying. Oh, God.

I put roses in his car because, you know, I don't know. In his tailpipe. But dudes love roses. I, oh, I'm still embarrassed thinking about it. Like, I could die. How did you get them in his car? I don't know. The window, a crack of a window.

I don't know what it was. I just, I made it happen is what I'm saying. Good for you. No, it wasn't. I was, I made a fool of myself every day of my life. Did he know? Oh, my God, he knew. He knew so hard. Like, every day of my life did he know oh my god he knew

he knew so hard like it was just what did he but he just ignored no he was very sweet to me like he was very sweet you know he's 18 I'm 14

but then you know Debra turns 17 and then someone comes calling so anyway he would wave at you or he would play along it was all very like

you know yeah aww he was honestly he was delightful about it because oh god I mean

I made a fool of myself on a daily basis are you still stalking him today no what if I did that'd be great but no

do you know whatever happened to him yeah you know I saw him not too long ago. I was doing a show and he was the company that he whatever and walked up. Hello. And I was like, oh, God.

It was immediately mortified again. You were back there? Yeah. I mean, it was probably like maybe five years ago. And I was just like, oh, hi. And you still look like the guy? We had a laugh. We had a good laugh.

Aw. Do you remember? I was like, oh, yeah. Yeah, I good laugh. Aw. Because he was just like, do you remember? I was like, yeah, I do remember. Anyway, yeah. That was me. My wife's family is from a town called Ingersoll. Oh, my gosh. We used to call it Ingerhole.

They called it Fingerhole. Oh, even better. See, that's even better because that was too dirty for me. But they. Oh, my gosh. That's super close to Tilsonburg. Yeah, I think I mentioned that to Abby's mother, and she was like, oh, Tilsonburg was the fancy town,

because they had diagonal parking spots. Oh, you did. I remember when those came in, it was big, in front of the bank. Awesome. Dave, ever had an unrequited crush when you were a youth? Oh, totally. But did you just keep it quiet, or did you let it be known?

Like, were you like crazy or not? No, I wasn't crazy, but I, you know. Who was it? Oh, I don't want to talk about it. No, I can't believe it. No, but like, I think I had a number. Yeah, yeah. I don't think they were ever that intense, but they, yeah, I was just like, I wouldn't,

well, I'm never going to do anything about this. Yeah. I always try. I always, I always just like, well, I'm never going to do anything about this. Yeah. I always try. I always went for it. Did you? I always got shot down. I never, I don't think, went for somebody older. But I always exclusively going for people out of my league.

Impossible. Oh, very possible. And, you know, everybody, the message that came back is uh like you as a friend yeah but i think when you're uh when you're a kid you just assume that you don't think of uh i'm gonna be friends with this person you're like really i'm obsessed with them yeah yeah and then if they say friends you're like what i can't but you were friends with them first weren't you no no these are people that were out of my. They weren't in my social circle.

But all in the same grade, though? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. And not necessarily the most. Were they cheerleaders? What was the story?

One of them was. We didn't really have cheerleaders. Another. Yeah. I think if we did, I don't remember them being anything to write home about. Dear mom and dad, I would be home in an hour. But, no, I don't remember the one that was in, like, junior high. She wasn't, she didn't do anything.

Like, maybe she was on the soccer team or something. Sure, why not Carly oh, yeah, yeah, I you know I had a lot like I remember grade school was Scott de Kluyt. Oh, yeah Oh my god. I loved it. Well, I love you. He was adorable. He was a little greaser. I know He was a he was adorable he was a little strawberry blonde with freckles. He was so cute. Scott DeCluet. And then, oh yeah, I had a few. This is like, now I'm thinking about it.

It's all coming back to me in a mortifying wave. Like it just is. Scott DeCluet. And then it was Chris Conroy. Oh God, I'm so sorry. It never goes away. It's amazing how you can immediately be taken back to that. Oh my God, that body memory.

That feeling in your gut. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I remember for this Carly girl, I joined... But you asked her out though? I did, yeah. And I joined cross country,

the cross country running club. Oh my gosh. Just because she was in it. But I'm having visuals of you with a beard in grade seven. That is exactly it. It was a little bit skinnier. It was a little bit skinnier.

It was a little bit anglier. I love that you, in order to get a girlfriend, joined the loneliest sport in the world. And I would always... But the thing about the cross-country thing is that it was always an away game.

There was no... So you always had to go on a bus trip. Oh, yeah. So that, in my mind, I was like, that's where I can shine on the bus trip, doing, telling jokes. Oh, yeah, this would be my time. Yeah, this is, man, this guy knows the bus. It's stuffy in here, and he knew how to open the windows. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Remember those windows, The little press together? Oh, yeah. Boy, do I. Ancient. You know, doing a pressed ham against the back window. Oh, no. Yeah. What was it with boys?

Why did boys like to pull their pants down so much? Because it got that exact reaction. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, that's what it is, because we scream and run. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only. Yeah. That is it Because we scream and run. Yeah, that's the only... What is it? What is it?

And mooning was such a... Like, if you could do it in a way that somebody didn't see it coming... It's a really juvenile thing because it's so much easier with sweatpants. Like, the more grown-up the trouser. Like, I gotta take off my suspenders. Yeah, I gotta put down my briefcase

your braces braces that's what yeah oh my goodness cummerbund my waistcoat I also joined the volleyball team

to try and get to another girl what was that girl's name Autumn Autumn and Carly yeah oh I like it yeah

I don't know why I just feel like they weren't they weren't the most popular but they were just nice ladies. But too popular to still like you. Yes, nice ladies. Sorry. A couple of nice

ladies. Did you have girlfriends in high school? Yeah, a couple. Did you? Yeah. How old were you with your first girlfriend? What do you define first? Well, like, exactly. This is spy the evening edition. I maybe had a girlfriend

in grade 8 I had girlfriends in elementary school did you wow the boys were still beating me up in elementary school

but it would be like oh we're going out now see you when we break up I was like oh that's my girlfriend when was the first one that you like actually kissed

and made out with and like we're like going together? Who is? How old? Maybe grade 11. Oh.

Yeah. And then another girlfriend grade 12. Yeah. And then no girlfriend. And then my wife. Really? Yeah. Nice.

I like it. Then what did you meet in college? You went out? Yeah. Sweet. Did you go to college? For a while. Yeah?

Did I graduate college? For a while. Yeah. Did I graduate college? No, I did not. But I went to art school and then decided, what the hell am I doing? Yeah, yeah. First girlfriend was probably in grade seven. Grade seven? Yeah. Jezebel.

Yeah, it was Jezebel. Was it one of those things where it was just like, you know, we're going steady and that was it? Like you'd wave at each other and that's all? Yeah, we went to the zoo together. Oh my. Oh my gosh, with parental guidance? Yeah, I went over, I think I went to a dinner at her parents' house. So I even met the parents.

Oh wow. Did they ask you to milk a cat or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they told me not to drown Mr. Jingles. Is that what happens in the movie? And your first boyfriend. Oh, I was not terribly popular, but I also, my school was really small. Like, my graduating class was like 45 people.

Like, seriously. And I just, I always had sort of that thing where I didn't want to date my friends, ex-boyfriends. Like I immediately, cause that's what happened. Like they all kind of went through a rotation. So truly my first boyfriend was grade 13 when I was in grade 13. So the last year of high school.

Yeah. It was a boy who chased me the, like from the minute I met him in grade eight. So you were the unrequited love. Do you want to be my girlfriend? No. And I hated him. And he would drive me insane. But then he got all muscular and sexy.

And the way we went out... He probably did it to woo you. Maybe, but he also was kind of short too. So that's about it. But no, it was the way he basically... We went out at a Halloween dance of grade 13 he basically said to me

if you don't go out with me I'm never talking to you again and I was like alright and then of course we dated this is the episode coming out on Halloween

was it a spooky yeah was he dressed as him yeah no I don't remember I was dressed as an angel that's what I remember

cute very cute yeah you know it but yeah, I don't remember. I was dressed as an angel. That's what I remember. Cute. Very cute. Yeah, yeah. Not to say. You know it. But yeah, no, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends. What was it?

Do you remember what he was dressed as? I don't think he was dressed as anything. I think he was, you know, the boys eventually stopped. He was dressed as Rocky Horror. Oh, my God. Just the underwear. The blonde wig. I just think you said he was really muscular. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you mean? The short, muscular guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? The short, muscular guy. Yeah, there you go. Oh, boy. Mike Tyson. I find it hard to believe that you weren't popular. You know,

I was popular with, like, pals. Like, I was everyone's buddy. Like, I was all the girls. You know, I was popular amongst the girls. But that's popular. It is, yeah.

But boys didn't like me. Okay. Yeah, I never had... They couldn't run at your speed. That's what it was. You know what I mean? I was way amongst the girls. But that's popular. It is, yeah. But boys didn't like me. Okay. Yeah, I never had. They couldn't run at your speed. That's what it was. You know what I mean? I was way too just edgy. You were big city, trapped in Tilsonburg.

I think that's what it was, too. And I think at that point, it was like, get me out of here. But I also remember I have a twin sister. And so we're very fraternal. And Joanne was like, you know, all the boys were like, Joanne. Because she was gorgeous. You know, all the boys were like, Joanne, because she was gorgeous. You know, gold hair, long, wavy, gold. She was gorgeous.

But she had a boyfriend forever. Like, she dated a dude from 14 to, like, 24. And by the way, moms, if you're listening, don't let that happen. Because when they broke up, she was a shell of a human being. Well, yeah. Like, it was just, you can't. Come on. You can't date that long.

A lot of your identity would be stitched to that. Well, yeah. Like, it was just, you can't, come on, you can't date that long. A lot of your identity would be stitched to that. Yeah, seriously, yeah. So when your daughter's been dating a guy for four years, at age 18, yeah, your daughter

will appreciate it. She will. She'll hate you. She'll totally obey you. Absolutely. For six or seven years, she'll hate you, but after that,

she'll be happy. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. And then as soon as you were done high school out to the big city yes I moved to Toronto

immediately and then boys boys boys and then yeah yeah neon signs with boys written on it Lady Gaga wrote that song about me

oh my gosh yes no no I can't no no I've never no boys have never guys have never liked me

I don't have that thing. Here's the thing. I'm too loud, I'm too funny, and I'm too clever. Boys don't like me. I'm men's like, ugh, gross. Because you're never going to be funnier than me. You're never going to be sharper than me. And I'm very, very loud.

So they then hate that. I would say. I would say guys wouldn't have a good chance to be funnier than me. That is true. No, except for present company. Oh, get out of here. That's only because I'd spent all that time working material on the bus. On the bus.

You've honed it. Country. You've honed it. I just set up the microphone. Nice work. Would you ever go back to living in a small town or is that just like a horror show? Goodness no. 100% no. Okay. That's a common question you've been asking lately.

I just want something on your mind. Yeah. Are you leaving us? Yeah. Whenever I go to a small town, I just, because I never have lived in one aside from one summer I lived in one. So I don't know what that, the lifestyle is. You know, okay.

That's, I think I answered too quickly. I would, I would move to a small town, like, way later in life. Right. Like, if I've been like, okay, you know what? I've had a satisfying career. If I had a lot of money, perhaps. And then, like, maybe retiring in a small town. I could see that.

Yeah. That's kind of nice. Go somewhere lovely and, you know, picturesque and small and sweet. Do you picture yourself ever retiring? Probably not, no. No. I can't imagine. Right?

I mean, like maybe 80. I don't know. I hope not. I hope I don't. I hope I don't. Honestly. I hope it gets catapulted into the sun. Yes.

The ice flow. Remember, that's what I'm going to do. But, you know, I will say, even though as a teenager I hated it, but growing up in a small town, I wouldn't change that for anything. Really? Oh, my gosh.

As a child growing up in a small town, I wouldn't change that for anything. Really? Oh, my gosh. As a child growing up in a small town? Yeah. Awesome. It was also a time. Yes. That's true, too. That's very true, too. The 70s, it was a different story.

I grew up here, and it was stuff you would never do now. We would ride our bikes by ourselves at age seven. You're probably right. It's probably not the small town. I'm probably remembering as a small town, but it was more like the 70s and early 80s. Yeah. If you live in it. It was like people were like, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I lived in a big city, but I traveled in a two block radius. Yeah. Yeah. On bicycles. The furthest I ever went anywhere was trick or treating. Yeah.

Yeah. And what a night. Oh, gosh, yeah. Do you remember how good it used to be? So good. Pillowcases. Yeah. Pillowcases full of stuff.

How good it used to be. Now it sucks. Every time I go out, people are all suspicious. But you live in a good neighborhood. Yeah. For trick-or-treating. There's tons of houses. in a good neighborhood.

Yeah. For trick-or-treating, there's tons of houses. But also, yeah, tons of sort of like people in their 20s who are rowdy. Oh, yeah, that's true. Ah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, a lot of the houses kind of on this side of town have a ton of steps. Yeah. Going up to the front door and these, we're talking little legs here.

It is cardio. That's true, too. You're going to be lifting. Will she go out? No, not this year. Not here. It's too young That's true, too. You're going to be lifting. Will she go out? No, not this year. Not here. It's too young. She doesn't know what it is.

Yeah. But we just carved our first pumpkin with her. Yeah. And she loved that. And she was adamant that it had to have a smile. Yeah. She was like, do you want an angry one or a sad one? A scary one?

Happy. Happy. Happy. Yeah. Let's take this one step at a time. Did she like cleaning the pumpkin out? Did it like the squishy inside or not? Happy. Happy. Let's take this one step at a time. Did she like cleaning the pumpkin out to the squishy inside? No.

She didn't dislike it but she wasn't into it. Yeah. And then now that we put a candle in it

she just wants to look at the fire. She doesn't even really care about the pumpkin. She just wants to see that flickering flame.

What can it do? It commands me. I will obey. It speaks to me, daddy. Yeah, yeah. She's found her? Yeah. It commands me. Yeah. I will obey. It speaks to me, daddy. Yeah. Yeah. She's found her higher power.

Okay. Let's talk best Halloween costumes. What were your best Halloween costumes? Uh, Ooh, boy. Um, I went to one year.

I went as Carly. Yeah. And that, that's how Dave and I met. That was an awkward dance. One year, I went as the TV character, Elf.

Oh. Oh my gosh, Alien Life 4. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that would be good. And it was like part, you know, the cheap plastic

with the elastic bands? Yes, yeah, yeah. The ones that I don't think you can buy anywhere anymore. No, no. I think they've been outlawed. Yeah, there's only the crazy rubber ones now. So it was that, but then I think my mom made like hands like out of mittens that looked

so they looked like fuzzy hands and feet for it as well. So it was a pretty good costume. But like Alf that was like dressed up in an overcoat or something? Yeah, wearing a suit. Don't pretend that that wasn't a funny show because it was. pretty good costume. But like Alf that was like dressed up in an overcoat or something? Yeah, wearing a suit. Don't pretend that that wasn't a funny show because it was. Alf was amazing. Oh, I will never pretend that it's not a funny show. Okay, what was your favorite?

Did you have a good one? I would always do something kind of weird. Like I was like, I'm nerd man. And I would like make a fake superhero. Then I realized it's not fun to have to explain a thing at every door. For 20 minutes. Listen, this is what,

yeah. But I think the peak was one year, maybe like 1990, I did a bald wig, cool sunglasses, and an overcoat, and I was Sinead O'Connor.

Oh! And not everyone knew who that was. You have to picture the Pope at every door? Yeah, yeah, yeah. People who knew were like super hip. People that were in were in.

My mom used to make our Halloween costumes when I was a child. And I mean, wow. Like, based on request, you would say, I want to be this, and she would make you. And like, I mean, wow. What did you do? What was your favorite? I remember one year I wanted to be a chef. Okay.

And my mother made me like a proper, you know proper pants, the top that has the flap pulled over, and the proper hat and everything, and we drew a mustache. And it was, I mean, it was, they were fabulous. And that's, of course, like a costume that only a kid would come up with. I want to be a chef. Yeah, whatever. But now if it was, if my kid was, I want to be a chef. They have to paint tattoos on their arms,

but you could get all the clothes from Mark's work warehouse. Absolutely. But my mom, I mean, when we were little, she was, they were brought in like they were, you know,

fairy costumes and princess, princess costumes. And that she just made amazing. And then as, as you know, you got older and I started to do them, I would start making them. I remember in grade nine, I was the Chiquita Banana Woman.

Oh. And I was with a fruit headdress. Wow. You don't even know. It was brilliant. Of course, I got to the dance and I couldn't dance because it was too heavy. But anyway, I was like, oh, I was hurting my neck. But it was awesome.

And then later on in high school, I think maybe grade 12? Yeah. When we would start dressing at school and I made some of my friends' costumes. I was the bride Frankenstein. Oh, with the giant hair. With the hair. Oh, yeah. With the bandage dress and stuff.

And you made that yourself? Oh, yeah. It was great. Do you still do Halloween? I don't. I haven't in a while, but we used to. Yeah. I think it's probably only been, maybe it's been like eight years that I haven't done Halloween.

But yeah. But do you miss it? I do. I always liked Halloween. I think Halloween was very, very fun. And I always live in gay neighborhoods too. So I've always lived adjacent to a gay neighborhood, which is like, it's gay Christmas. It's Halloween.

Yeah. That's their favorite you uh them them that group of people but you know they do

the homosexual boys love it because they get to be shirtless all the time it's been years since I I'm an ambulance driver without a shirt on

I'm a shirtless doctor I'm a shirtless chef exactly it gets dangerous it gets dangerous nothing that splatters exactly just mainly sandwiches I just make sandwiches yeah I'm a shirtless chef. Exactly. It gets dangerous. Yeah, nothing that splatters. Just mainly sandwiches.

I just make sandwiches. Yeah. But yeah, but that is, that's a beautiful, did you ever, I mean, you know, in Toronto, there, gosh, the church street, they would shut it down, right, for Halloween. And it was just the best viewing you've ever seen in your life. And would you just walk down the street just to check it out? Oh, yeah, that's what we did for years, where it was just like you would just cruise down and just, oh, gosh, and guys would do drag. And it was just phenomenal? Oh, yeah. That's what we did for years, where it was just like you would just cruise down and just, oh, gosh. And guys would do drag.

And it was just phenomenal. There's nothing. There's no equivalent. And I live in West Hollywood in Los Angeles. And they do the same thing. They shut the street down. And it's just fabulous viewing. See, I feel like I should go to Hollywood for Halloween one year.

Because everybody there would know a costume designer or somebody from a, That's what I mean, it's a brilliant costume. Like crazy, like the climate

is good for sure. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. I'm shirtless predator, I'm shirtless alien. In Toronto, you'd be shirtless

but you have to have a jacket over top. You know what I mean? And just open your shirt every time you get to a door. Yeah, I always hated that. Just show,

right? Open it when you get to the door. Or like the costume, you're like're like you know tarzan or someone who's barefoot yeah well i'm tarzan but you know he's sensible yeah moon boot oh my gosh but yeah there's no equivalent kind of street where you can just go and see people's costumes. Which I think, like, I always, when Comic-Con happens, I always go through

all the photos of costumes just to see people's ingenuity. that's what I'm saying. Were there any Harley Quinns this year? Did anyone think of that? You should tell people.

Try that one out. I've gone to the Halloween store a few times just to see what's, you know, what's this year. Is that a store or is it multiple stores? Multiple stores.

We went to one in Edmonton. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a string of stores out here called the spirit of Halloween. Right. And they're just did these pop-up shops. Oh yeah. Yeah.

And then they're like, they are gone, like completely packed up. And it's like, it never happened on November 1st. Yeah, exactly. Goodbye. But yeah, that Harley Quinn is all over. That's the costume, I assume.

I'm just very impressed when someone is like, I'm going to take all this time and all this money and build a costume. Like a really beautiful costume. I'm like, wow, better person than me. Yeah. But then you have to have somewhere to go. Yes. Yeah. Or somewhere to parade.

Yeah. Somewhere to promenade. And if you're indoors the whole time, a lot of times these Halloween costumes, hot. Yeah. Hot. And if you're out of the house for a long time

at like a Comic-Con, you're wearing your Japanese robot costume, but you have a backpack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. A purse.

I remember one year when I was in college, my, me and my roommates went to a, um, like a James Bond theme, uh, Halloween. Okay.

Yeah. And we went, my roommate, Sarah went as the James Bond girl. So she basically was wearing, you know, a bra and undies and she just draped herself in a sheet. And we were all like,

is this a good idea is this a good idea and then she somehow got separated from we couldn't find her four o'clock in the morning she came home i was like this is we we escaped some real trouble there i mean like i don't know how we did it but that was it was the 90s saturdays better days. A James Bond themed, I mean, noted woman abuser James Bond. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. If you have a James Bond themed party, it's just like you're thinking, oh, let's invite women and they won't wear much.

That's exactly it. Yeah. You might wear a bikini with a belt. And every guy will wear a tuxedo, basically. Gold paint. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people want his villains.

Really? Yeah. That surprises me. Right? Yeah. When you think that just everyone was going to be James Bond. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people want his villains. Really? Yeah. That surprises me. Right? Yeah. Wouldn't you think that just everyone was going to be James Bond? Yeah. Yeah.

It seems like a real missed opportunity if you show up as Jaws. Yeah. I'm skiing James Bond. Oh, yeah. I would have gone as Pierce Brosnan. Just Pierce Brosnan? Just Pierce. Him at home?

Yeah. I'm, yeah. In his jammies. I'm Remington Steele oh my gosh I'm Thomas Crown we're having a Brosnan themed

costume we're all basically the same I'm Brosnan from Mrs. Doubtfire oh my and it's just like a lime

hitting my head oh please be that for Halloween will you in a Hawaiian shirt with a lime stuck to your head

drive by fruiting oh man that's uh uh I've never seen anybody go as Mrs. Doubtfire Who are you? In a Hawaiian shirt with a lime stuck to your head? Drive-by fruiting. Oh, man. I've never seen anybody go as Miss Doubtfire. That's surprising because that's like one that you would recognize. Yeah, right away. I mean, there's a lot of just like old lady. Old lady.

Yeah, I guess, but she had a very specific. I remember one year for the Halloween dance at school. I didn't want to go. And then the last minute, I was like, okay, I'll go. And I was like, I didn't have a costume, so I'll just be an old man and I'll, you know, I'll make my hair white

and I'll wear old man clothes. Yeah. And it was, what I chose to use to whiten my hair was flour. Yeah. Oh, no. Which is not a good term.

It turns into gum if it gets wet. It turns into just a into just like an extra scalp and i just had dandruff for months but it was edible yeah just turns into like bread basically yeah wow wow i uh yeah i've done unleavened unleavened i when i was living downtown once i just at the last kind of the 11th hour uh friend of mine said oh you know there's this party happening so i took a beer box and used the where you put your hand as the see where you'd see through it just wrapped in tinfoil and put

two of those burner covers on the side and then wore a black turtleneck and a jacket i was like i do not know what i am and then i showed up at the party and then wore a black turtleneck and a jacket and i was like i do not know what i am and then i showed up at the party and immediately somebody was like 70s robot and i was like there we go thank you for answering my question you really saved the day man so yeah have you ever done that where you didn't no no i did well i think angel was always my go-to because that was so easy do Do you know what I mean? Like it was just, you know, make some wings and get some tinsel, make a little situation. That was easy.

Halo wings, white shirt, boom. Yeah. I don't think I ever saw any boy angels. Always girls. Yeah. Just as the angels. And never like a boy angel. I think of like a cherub.

Yeah. Yeah. A little diaper. Yeah. Diaper. That's where I went to. I mean, they went shirtless. Yeah. What? That's because you're living in the West. That's because I live

in West Hollywood. Sexy cherub. Yeah. Although I also too, I don't think I ever did the sexy costumes. I always did more like interesting, creative kind of costumes. Yeah. It was never like sexy cat. You know, it was always. Yeah, I never did sexy either. Sexy old man. I would do a frumpy fireman yeah yeah i'm the

fire the fireman that answers the phone yeah i'm the one who cooks for everybody i'm just walking around a big chili pot yeah hot chili i feel like the the uh you know people don't like that women will do this and just be like i'm a sexy whatever sexy you know Harambe Harambe yeah sure and it's just like the smallest costume but with you know cat ears yes

but it's easy like there are more women who can do that than I think men because like there aren't that many like to do that

as a man you have to basically just have like a six pack and yeah yeah you have to be in incredible shape. Yeah.

Even a Tarzan, you need that huge, around the midsection kind of loincloth thing if you're not in the greatest shape of your life. One-sleeve Tarzan. But everyone, I think, they get mad at girls for doing that.

I'm just like, let them have their one night I mean seriously unless you live in California it's girl Christmas it is it's girl Christmas they love it they

those you know those girls but I think it's like why not who cares like honestly especially if you don't live in California you always have to have clothes on

so go for it ladies you know what yeah wear a bikini with a monster mask I don't give a shit well you don't see, ladies. You know what? Yeah. Wear a bikini with a monster mask. I don't give a shit. Well, you don't see a lot of that. You don't see a lot of bikini and then a monster mask.

Although that would be pretty awesome. I would do that. Why not do that? That's funny. Like do a creepy clown face and a bikini. Yeah. That just weirds everybody out. They're like, do I like this?

Have you been seeing those retaliation videos against the clowns that have just been cruising around? I mean, someone's going to get killed've just been cruising around. I mean, someone's going to get killed like that. Seriously. I thought somebody did get killed in Sweden or something. Oh my gosh.

Wow. Well, you know what? You come at me. I was like, fine. I'm not joking. Me too. I'm a little like sort of good because here's the thing.

You come at me in a creepy clown costume. Yeah, I can't promise you what my reaction is going to be. If I stab you in the throat over and over again, that's what happens. But these creepy clowns, this is the one time of year they can do it.

They love it. They love it. Why would you want to do it? I don't understand people. Yeah, I did. I saw a big video of a bunch of fraternity guys all screaming that they were going to hunt down these. And I was like, what's the frat guys get on board with? Oh, that's it. Now we're in trouble.

I missed the first day that this was news. And so it just took off without me. And I'm like, I haven't caught up. I don't, what's the frat guys get on board with? Oh, that's it. Now we're in trouble. I missed the first day that this was news. And so it just took off without me. And I'm like, I haven't caught up. I don't know what the big deal is. Some people are clowns. I don't know where it started, though. Like, I feel like it was like, I feel like I've seen a lot from Australia and from all over the world rather than in like North America. It started as a viral campaign for this.

It. Oh, really? That's what I think. And then I think it spun out of control. It started as a viral campaign for this it reboot. Oh, really? That's what I think. And then I think it spun out of control. Way out of control. Because it's mostly teenagers, I imagine, that are like, let's go. I imagine a lot of teenagers, too. But are they just like, because if they're just standing there and they scare you, but

if they are really, if they chase a woman alone in a parking lot, you can't do that. I don't think they're chasing anything. I think they're standing and trying to creep people out. Yeah, yeah. And think back to when you were a teenager and how bored you were. If you heard that you could go scare people by just standing. By doing nothing? Yeah.

I would have been one of the clown people. Would you? Until I heard about this retaliation. They'd be like, I disavow the clown. Seriously, breaking bottles over clowns' heads and stuff, it's not good. It's a great time to be alive. Could you

have imagined that this would be the year that this is all happening in real life? No. Clowns overtaking the countryside. People fighting back. It's ridiculous. Our world is mean, were you afraid of clowns even as a kid? I don't ever remember

actively being afraid of clowns. It's become quite trendy to be afraid of them. I don't remember being, but I don't also remember having any clowns in my life. I don't remember ever seeing clowns.

I never went to a circus. I had a few clown uncles. I never had a birthday party with clowns. I don't ever remember that being a part of it. They were never around. No. So then I think I only got the scary, with clowns. Like I don't, I don't ever remember that being a part of it. They were never around. No.

So then I think I only got like the scary, creepy clowns, but that was like later, much, much later, like teenagers

watching horror movies kind of thing. Yeah. I don't, like I definitely was afraid of clowns. I got over it last summer.

I went, I went to deep clown immersion and got, I'm not afraid of clowns anymore. He went on a date with two clowns. He went on a date with two clowns. Went on a date with two clowns. Deep clown immersion. Not as deep as he would have liked.

Honk, honk. But yeah, I don't know where most people are getting their fear of. Oh, I think it's just like. Just because there's more scary clowns now than ever before. Yeah, I mean. Well, at those Halloween stores, it is a. It's scary. It's the popular mask is scary clown.

But I think any mask is scary. I don't want anyone. And like, you know, covering up your face, I think is, that's what's scary. It's like, you're not, you know what I mean? Yeah. I want to be able to see someone's eyes. And I think that. I remember that they would always, there would be a news story.

It hasn't happened yet. news story it hasn't happened yet but uh of presidential candidates and whoever's mask sells better would win the uh election statistically but there's no way anyone like trump's got to be destroying clinton in terms of mass in mass popularity yeah there's not even 100 yeah oh god i i don't know that i've Hillary mask. I think they even count some of those scary clown ones as Trump. He's the basis. He's the mold. But the weird thing, because I think the scary clown thing only happened because clowns were so the picture of innocence that making them scary was so twisted.

Yeah, that was like, look what we've done here. And now it's like, okay. Yeah, yeah. You know so twisted. Yeah, that was like, look what we've done here. and now it's like, okay, you know, scary. Yeah. You know what I find? Like,

now they do those like in horror movies in the, like the purge and stuff like where they're, the masks are like nothing now.

They're like expressionless. Yeah. Like they're just, just white. Yeah. Just with eye holes and that seems kind of creepy too. Yeah,

because white circle is supposed to be the nicest thing around. I would make an angel seems kind of creepy, too. Yeah, because white circle is supposed to be the nicest thing around. I would make an angel costume out of a white circle. Oh, a scary angel? That would be scary. Like Chris Angel. That would be quite the mind freak.

Dave, you just mind freak me. He's terrifying. He's terrifying. Like, seriously. Awful. Do you ever, because you're living so close, do you ever go to Vegas? Do you ever go see any of these? I've only been to Vegas once in my life.

Yeah. I do, I will not say that I don't like magic because good magic is excellent. If you've ever seen like someone that's really good at sleight of hand, it's super impressive. You do feel like a kid again. Oh, yeah. I'm telling you. Okay. Do you know the club in Edmonton, the comic strip?

Mm-hmm. Years ago, they used to, on Saturday nights, they would bring in sleight-of-hand comics. Excuse me, sleight-of-hand magicians. Yeah. To entertain the crowd between shows. I like the idea of a sleight-of-hand comic. I know, right? Where's the punchline?

Nice work. But, yeah, and they did that just to warm you know, warm up the crowd kind of thing. But they like brought in really terrific magicians. And I remember one of the guys did a trick on me and I was just, okay. And I'm telling you, the card was in my back pocket. And let me say this to you. No one touched me. Trust me.

I would have known if someone slid a card into my back pocket. It did not happen. I was, I was upset and tormented for days. Like, seriously. It was amazing. I was, I was freaked out. There's, no. I had one once.

No, it did not. It was great. It was really good. Wow. We had a work party once and there was a magician that like, it was in this restaurant and a magician just came to the table and, uh, he did some card tricks and stuff. And then he came up to me and put his, uh, he

gave me a ball and he's like, squeeze this ball. And I'm squeezing it. And he's like, no, he held my wrist. Just, Oh, I want to hold you steady here. So just make sure you squeeze the ball as hard as you can. And it was obvious what he was doing later, I realized. And he took off my watch.

Yeah, yeah. And then showed it to everyone. And ha-ha. Ha-ha. And then later, like a year later, I was in the same restaurant. And he was back. And I saw him do the same thing to someone. Oh, wow.

Like seeing it. I was like, how did I not see this coming? But everyone at the table didn't see it no yeah because it was all everybody was looking at your

this at my ball distraction yes but yeah so good sleight of hand I'm good with but any other

kind of magic scary magic yeah no just you know what if there was a magician out in the woods to stare at you that would be scary

there is like they do that kind of like I'm flossing my throat. Oh, yeah. It's like, look how gross everything is. Gross, gross.

But I don't, I don't, I don't love Vegas. Vegas is not really up my alley. No, no, no, it's really not. You're a West Hollywood girl

for life. You know what I mean? But I just, I don't know. I've always considered you the material girl. Yeah. I will play slots

like a champion, though, I'm not going to lie. Yeah. I will play slots like a champion, though. I'm not going to lie. Oh, yeah. So that's the only thing I would want to do. Do you have a favorite game? Ghostbusters game? Well, there was.

I remember. I remember. Oh, my gosh. It was called. What was it called? Oh, please. I was at the Halifax Comedy Festival with Darcy Michael and Ryan Belville. Uh-huh.

Oh, Jackpot Party. Listen to me. We played Jackpot Party for hours. It was so fun. Because do like the little like bonuses. And it was also the company. I was with Ryan Bevel, one of the funnest people in the world. So fun. And so that was like, I don't think I've ever.

That was just a super fun time. What's it called? Jackpot party? Jackpot party. And it was super great. But, you know, I have friends that live in Las Vegas now, which is like. Yeah. So that's strange. But they are gamblers. but you know I have I mean I have friends that live in Las Vegas now which is like yeah so that's strange

but they are gamblers but they're gamblers and drinkers and that's your friends yeah your friends

yeah your friend the late Rene Angeli Celine Dion Celine Dion yeah and

but yeah and I yeah but that doesn't like slots but I don't I don't want to gamble I don't want to give away my money

I just don't that's not I'm not interested you worked hard for that buddy I worked hard for the money that's a Madonna song so hard for it honey

um yeah so I don't and you know and again I don't drink so it's like it's not yeah I don't need you know

going in free drinks I'm like ugh nothing doesn't mean that much to me yeah pour it in a plant yeah

yeah pour a plant but yeah poor plant but yeah so um dave what's going on with you man oh boy oh uh nothing no nothing carved a pumpkin yeah that's yeah that's fun listen to the monster mash on repeat while we did it oh my gosh it's a it holds up it does because we listened to the three i listened to that like six or seven times and then i was like i'm gonna add some songs to the mix. Add Ghostbusters. Yeah. And Thriller.

Yeah. And that's really all. Yeah, that's it. There's Werewolves of London. Oh, sure. Sure. But yeah, nothing holds up to. No, Monster Mash is the shit.

It's the song. Yeah. And it's such a weird, like that he sings in that crazy voice. Uh-huh. And that there was a band, but it wasn't really a band and they were called the Krip Kickers. Krip Kicker 5. Yeah. And then there's a you know, apparently in this world there used

to be a song called the Transylvania Twist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. And he's mourning the passing of it. Whatever happened to it. So who sang it though? Boris Bobby Pickett. Yeah. Oh. Bobby Boris Pickett. Yeah. And this song kept coming out as a single every Halloween. Yeah.

So it's been on the Billboard charts more than any other song. Oh, so I hope he's super rich. I think he's fine. He's probably super dead. I hope his family's rich then. Yeah. Yeah. I think he does.

I think the Picketts are doing fine. Yeah. Yeah. I hope. Yeah, I don't know. And the other thing that's going on with me is I suddenly got a cold overnight. Don't know. Because we have this stuffed animal.

His name's Flat Eric. He was featured in some Levi's commercials. Oh, no. And a Mr. Wazo music video. Yeah. And he's a yellow fuzzy guy with long limbs. Yeah. And so I thought it would be funny to wrap his legs around the back of my head

and pretend I was human centipeding him. Oh, no. And then Abby didn't notice. She was on the other side of the room. So I'm just standing like holding him there for like 30 seconds by the time she looks up I have like a tickle in my throat oh no

flat Eric gave you a virus I inhaled some some sort of like a pathogen it's a weird one of those colds where you can you just feel it there may not have even been a virus it's just like

we mechanically made a virus in you yeah yeah yeah we found an opening and we took it yeah you know you can just feel like sinking into you

where you're just like oh I'm gonna and it just it's like it's like filling your body with sand or something it's like

because my throat got scratchy my nose was like I guess I'm gonna run now oh my god I might just be an allergy or something yeah I mean breathing in a a dusty yeah that could be it was that just yesterday or today that's maybe two days ago okay well maybe it isn't i don't know but yeah like you sometimes

your body's right on the edge too of uh like getting sick and then it just takes that one little you know walking home in the rain and then you're like oh great here we go yeah and yeah so uh yeah that's it and also like listening i have headphones on right now and it's this i sound you sound underwater both of you oh no um oh boy i've been sick all week that's been week. That's been my whole adventure. Oh, why don't you suck on a... Suck on a flatter. Suck on a scruffy.

Oh. But, yeah, it was one of these things. It was creeping up, and then I just gave into it. I was like, eh. You're like, fine, I'll be sick. Let's do this. Yeah, I'll just stay in bed, and I'll watch Friends again. What?

Oh, my God. They didn't want to watch anything that took any brain power at all so like it has to be something i've seen before yeah oh yeah i know i totally get that where it's just like i don't really want to focus totally i just need some kind of noise in the room and yeah although i noticed uh watching that show that uh joey really they he has an arc where he becomes that show that Joey really he has an arc where he becomes very stupid. Oh yeah. Like he starts out a little bit stupid. Yeah but he becomes like

incapacitated. Yeah. And Phoebe becomes mean. Yes. Did you notice that? Yeah. She was all lovey dovey and hippy dippy and then she becomes like quaint. Yeah she becomes. And I hated what they did to Ross too. I'm apparently passionate about this. Yeah yeah yeah. What did they do to Ross? But no they made Ross a buffoon.

Yeah, he became like completely a wackadoo. Oh, yeah, like the person you'd never want to date. When it was the beginning, Ross and Rachel, you're like, oh, they're together. And then after, it's like, no, awful. Yeah. He became like repugnant, like really yucky. But yeah, it was weird that there's like some shows do that where it's like a character's a little bit of something

and then just over the course of it the writers are like we'll just make them everything that they do is dumb I mean I loved Friends but I have to I did

I have not still to this date watched the last last season oh I you couldn't take it you'd be a wreck by the end

would I be a wreck I did watch the last episode and cried like a child. But, the, I stopped, they should have stopped it after Monica and Chandler

got married. Yeah. It's actually been the last episode, their wedding, goodbye, thank you very much. Right?

Yeah. And I think they did two seasons after that? Yeah, boo. But yeah, it was, so I watched that

and then I watched the last night, I didn't watch all of it, but I watched a good chunk of Three Men and a Baby. Okay. Oh, my. Why? Where?

This was at Alicia's place. It was on TV. Okay. And okay. So I have not seen that movie since it was the one movie we got to see a week. And I remember being so mad. And you had to see it every week. Yeah. That was.

Yeah, exactly. It was the pick of that year but it's okay it is a wafer thin premise that oh boy

so it's Ted Danson yeah Steve Guttenberg yeah and Tom Selleck Tom Selleck I forgot

yeah they could have oh magnum they could have done it with any three like you could have you could have been you know

John Ritter Tom Skerritt and Harrison Ford yeah like absolutely it could have been any three dudes

let's reboot it let's reboot it oh John Ritter and they and a baby is shows up on their doorstep it belongs

I think oh they don't know well it belongs to Ted Danston's character who's out of town for a good chunk of the movie so uh steve gutenberg and uh uh tom selleck have to take care of the baby so really it's two men and a baby for a good portion of the movie and also the whole thing is him holding up a baby and the diapers falling off. That's the whole movie. That is the entire plot is that diapering a baby is impossible for two dudes.

Like it's two dudes, one of whom is an architect. So a guy who understands spatial reasoning very well. Can't do it. He can't do it. And it's totally, it's like the most eighties occupation. He's a,

an architect. Oh, can I guess what the other 80s occupations are? Someone makes like pastel colored neon signs. Oh my, yes. And the other one runs a 50s style diner. Yeah, exactly. You ran an animator, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Ted Dance is an actor. Oh, okay. And yeah, Steve Gutberg's like an animator. He's an artist. Like a graphic artist of some sort yeah and they all live together in this crazy giant law we did in the 80s we were crazy then it was crazy it's crazy there were three guys and they're there he's got a painting of the three of them like on the in the atrium of their uh their apartment but it's just like can two guys handle a baby? No,

they can't. Can three? Yes. Yeah. Three is the magic number of guys. I, I mean, I told a story on the last episode about forgetting to put a diaper on my

baby, but I've never botched it. Like it's never fallen off. Well, I forgotten though. That's a terrible moment. Or like, you know,

tried to wrap them in a, you know, a sandwich wrap or something like that. Like, I used to babysit a lot. That was always the go-to gig. Um, and first of all,

you know, how much babysitters make now? No, I have tons of money. Really? I'm not kidding. I can think it's 20 bucks an hour. Now I had,

I had a solid gig. Yeah. Yeah. And when I was in grade nine and I did Friday kidding. I think it's 20 bucks an hour now. What? I had a solid gig. Yeah. Yeah. And when I was in grade nine and I did Friday nights and I would go after school and then they would. Every Friday. Every Friday night. I would go after school.

Well, me and my sister would switch off. We'd go back. You were twins. So they couldn't tell the difference. They had no idea. Yeah. And, but we would go right after school and then they, the husband would drive us off at maybe like 11 o'clock or 12 o'clock. And he was always drunk.

I remember that now. I remember now. I was like, oh, yeah, he was loaded and shouldn't have been driving. But whatever. So we went home. And I'm not kidding. Seatbelts didn't exist. Four o'clock until about 12 o'clock.

And I am not lying. I got $7. What? For the whole night? And I was thrilled to get it. And we were just like, yeah! That was great. And now I think four until midnight is,

I think one 75. Jeez. Like, I'm not kidding. Like you can't, you can't, yeah, you can't even afford to go.

It's, it's so expensive, but I remember this once I did, I babysat for a family during the summer. And it was like, it was a nine to five gig. Like I would go in every day and babysit. Oh wow.

And I remember once after the summer was done, I was just doing a night, a Saturday night or whatever. And they'd had a new baby and I showed up to the house and they were just, they were, they couldn't get out fast enough. And I was like, what's going on? Cause usually we would hang out. I was friends with them and I'm like, okay. I was maybe 15 at this point.

I'm like, okay. I'm like, we gotta go. Yeah. Everything's fine. Bye. I was like, okay. And then I went into the baby's room and the baby was sitting and it's, what is it? A crib. What's that? Yeah. Is that what it is? I love it. That's it. Immediately. That's fine. Bye. I was like, okay. And then I went into the baby's room and the baby was sitting in its, what is it?

A crib? What's that? Immediately. And it was covered in green shit. And I ran to the door and was like, come back. And like, I could see them in the car.

And I was, I couldn't, and the baby had its hands down its diaper and was throwing the poo and was cramming it. It was in nostrils. It was in ear holes. It was just a green baby. And I phoned my mother and I said, I can't do this.

Get over here right now. You have to do it. I was like, I wouldn't do it. I made my mother come over and help me. Oh, wow. I couldn't even touch the child. It was painted in green poo. Oh, man. Well couldn't even touch the child. It was painted in green poop. Oh, man.

Does that ever happen? Tom Selleck in there. There have been gag moments. He would have known what to do. No, she would know. But there have been diaper explosions, but she's never participated in the spread. This was like a joyous. It was like finding Slimer.

It was literally finding Slimer. It was literally finding Slimer. Good luck with baby Slimer. And then I was like, I see what you've done here. You left it to the 15-year-old girl who's going to get $10. $10. We give Margos to this sort of child care thing, these classes. And one of the rules is they must be delivered in a clean diaper. Ah,

yeah. Yeah. I remember babysitting this one family that didn't have TV, but they did have movies. They had all these VHS movies. Okay. So we would watch the, stare at the VCR. Yeah,

yeah, exactly. They, they didn't have a cable. They had a TV, but I remember watching the kids movies with the movies with the kids and putting them to bed. And the only movie that wasn't a kids' movie was Bridge Over the River Kwai. Well, the parents will be away for the next four hours.

I guess I'll tuck into this. Oh, my gosh. Awful. Yeah, it was so bad. Yeah, that's like. Well, I mean, for a kid. Yeah. Sure, it's fine. Now, fine. Exactly. My goodness. that's like... Well, I mean, for a kid. Yeah. Like, sure, it's fine.

Now, fine, exactly. Yeah, yeah. My goodness, man. Same writer as Planet of the Apes. Really? Yeah. Pierre Boulle. Mmm.

The inventor of the ball. May we? Do you want to move on to overheards? Before we do... Yeah, let's do it. I'm Bez. And I'm Teresa. And we host the weekly comedy podcast, One Bad Mother.

We celebrate our moments of parenting genius. As well as our failures. Just like, we're going to have hot dogs. And I'm like, no, we're having fun. Everybody loves hot dogs. Yeah. And it just like smashes that thing right on my chest. And then I'm just crying in the middle of like kids space while people are like literally

dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it. dancing with their children. Parenting can be sad and painfully funny at the same time. So join us each week as we admit that this is hard, but we're getting really good at it. Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Do you live in the fictional city of Chicago? Do you love amazing podcasts like MaxFun's own Lady to Lady, Minority Corner, and Bullseye. Do you enjoy insightful interviews with talented actors and comedians like Dwayne Kennedy and Andre Royo? Don't miss your chance to be part of podcast history

by attending the first ever Chicago Podcast Festival. Lady to Lady and Bullseye take the stage on November 17th and Minority Corner performs on November 18th. Tickets are on sale right now. Visit MaximumFun.org for more information and to grab your ticket today. Right now. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment in which we overhear things out there. Now, Graham, before we get going, I meant to bring this up in the first segment, but when I carved a turkey, I mean pumpkin,

carved a pumpkin into a turkey, I haven't done it in years. Oh. Carving a pumpkin. Yeah, yeah. And we took all the seeds out, and we we had pumpkin seeds and we roasted them and stuff. Can you eat pumpkin seeds? Yes.

Okay, you're fine. Yeah, yeah. Because you, Graham has every nut allergy. Yeah, I'm allergic to all the nuts. And I think that that's maybe the closest thing you can get to a nut that you can probably eat. Yeah, and that was always like a big treat at Halloween. Oh, I love that.

Resting the pumpkins with a little salt. Salting them? Oh, dude, yeah, that was good. Yeah.

Good times. We did that. We ate them in bed last night. Yeah. Oh, sweet. So fun.

They're like, because you, there's nothing to, like, yeah, throw away. You do end up with a bunch of crap

in your mouth. Detritus. Oh, yeah, yeah, in your teeth, big time. That's why the pumpkins have such big gaps

between the teeth okay so let's go back to your nut allergy like cashews yeah cashews are cashews can't have a cashew can't have a you know brazil nut oh uh what about a macadamia what about an almond milk uh no i should stay away from the almond milk. That's a shame. Of the world. Pistachios. Pistachios can't happen. Dude, dude. Green pistachios, white pistachios, red pistachios.

I will eat more of them for you. Yeah. All right. Yeah, have a bag of pistachios. I'm gonna. You know what's weird? That pistachio company that advertises with all the celebrities. Yes. How much money do they have?

Apparently millions of dollars. Yeah. Because it's not like, oh, that person used to be famous. Like they have like famous. Yeah. Yeah. I can't think of the name of the company though.

Can you? Wonderful. It's wonderful. It's the same company that makes Palm Wonderful. Oh, seriously? Oh, they have tons of money. Then they have tons of money. I think.

God bless them. Yeah. Okay. Can we talk about the fact that people are now, like there's overheard LA and how mad I am that they've stolen your idea? Oh. I've already wrote, I wrote you about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm enraged.

But, you know, we don't own this. Yeah. But I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes me mad. Oh, overheard New York existed before we did. Oh, did it? I think so, yeah.

Did it? Right. But we didn't take it from there. But, you know, the concept of overhearing a thing. But, you know, I'm very loyal. This is something you need to know about me. I will punch you out. Like, don't you? I'm like, don't mess with my friends!

I was always, I was that kid, and I'm still that woman. Good for you! That's a good person to be! Now, we always like to start the overheard segment with the guest. Did you come prepared? Did you come packing? Yeah, I did.

This happened a while ago, but I've kept it in my pocket. The best thing, oh, God, beside a first date. It's a goldmine. Like, beside a first date? Like, come on. Yeah. And the question, he was, yeah, it is a goldmine. Right.

And he was trying, he was trying. I was very impressed with him. And he asked her what Hogwarts house she'd be in. Oh, that's a good fun date question. Right. And I was like,

and I was, you know, I was thinking, ask me, ask me. Cause I, that's my problem with eavesdropping. I always want to join in the conversation.

And, and then she sent it through the waiter. Could you tell them that I said, send them a, ask me, because that's my problem with eavesdropping, I always want to join in the conversation. And then she says, You send it through the waiter? Yes, I'm just saying. Could you tell them that I said, send them,

you know, this big Romulan ale. But then she just said to him this, he was like, so what Hogwarts house would you be? And she goes,

yeah, I don't want to talk about that. And that was it. Like it was like Harry Potter had like killed her mother or something.

He was trying to make it a fun. Yes, and she was like, I don't want to talk about it trying to make it a fun. Yes. And she was like, I don't want to, I don't want to. I'm not a Buzzfeed. Yeah.

She's really, but she really like, and then he was like, oh, and then they sat in silence. Good. Right. And that you deserve that young girl.

Maybe you'll never have another date forever. I remember going years ago on a double date with, uh, the girlfriend's friend, her boyfriend. So I didn't know these people. I was trying years ago on a double date with the girlfriend's friend and her boyfriend. So I didn't know these people. And I was trying to make, like, we went bowling, right? And so I thought, oh, we'll do a fun, well, you know, the names, when we pick our names, we'll all be a favorite character from Gilligan's Island.

And this girl was like, what's Gilligan's Island? And I was like, oh, God almighty. And you're like, how long is this evening going to be? Yeah, yeah. Get me out of here. And it was. She was like, we then have TV growing up. I'm like, but you have it now, right?

They didn't have a single luxury. Oh, my gosh. Who would you have been? Who did you want to be? Gilligan. Oh, Gilligan. Gilligan. I would maybe have been Lovey.

Yeah. Or Ginger. I liked her, too. Yeah, she was. Anyway. She was great. Who would I be? Who would you be, Dave? You'd be the professor, totally. There aren her too. Yeah, she was... Anyway. She was great. Who would I be? Who would you be, Dave?

You'd be the professor, totally. There aren't too many choices. No, there's not. There's only six. Yeah. Yeah. I would rather be the millionaire. Would you?

Well, yeah. Millionaire and his wife. That was the... I mean, of course, there are a lot of logic flaws in that show. Yeah. But why a millionaire and a movie star would both go on a... Tiny boat. A tiny boat. Yeah. But I guess that's... You don't become a millionaire and a movie star would both go on a tiny boat

a tiny boat yeah but I guess that's you don't become a millionaire by taking out your own boat right all the time and I wouldn't want to be

the professor because he is technically the rest yes I know and Marianne sometimes Marianne got it but not always

and then yeah she can get it oh she can get it Marianne yes she can always wearing a midriff bearing top. Yeah.

But I guess it was hot. It was an island. Yeah. And Ginger brought her entire wardrobe. Okay, we can go on. Yeah, this is a new comedy premise. What were the other 80s jobs? Okay, so overheards.

Yeah, Dave. Do you have an overheard? Lawyer with a car phone. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Lots of lawyers. Wall Street guy. Just like a broker.

My overheard is also a date but a um it's sort of a cheaper date i think these were two people who met uh they met on tinder i'm guessing okay and just but just to like hang out in a park and see where it goes they were they were they were hanging out on the swings adult people which is like a fun manic pixie dream girl thing

so we all meet cute exactly but if you do this at 10 in the morning on a Saturday you're in the way of children

yeah children want to actually be on those swings so I I was pushing my child literally next to them because they were in the big kids swings. Barg is still in the little kids swings.

Where it's like the little sumo. Yes, with that little rattle thing that comes down, the little bar that you're rattled on. Oh, no, not that one. Just the rubber diaper. Yeah, but you remember that. I don't remember that at all. It kept you in that bar. It was a bar that went across the chains and then lowered down onto your lap.

Oh, geez. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm standing next to these people. And, like, I was sort of, this is on me, I guess, for assuming that she was going to be the cutesy one who was like, let's sit on the swings. Right. But it was him. for assuming that she was going to be the cutesy one who was like, let's sit on the swings. Right. But it was him.

He had this backpack on that had a little teddy bear on it. Oh. And he said, oh, my friends make fun of me because I name everything. I call my stuffed bear Barry. I called my finger cast Reggie. Oh, my God. His finger cast? Yeah.

Reggie. I assumed that he was going to be a guy who was just like, he was barely naming them. Like, Barry. Fingery. Fingery. Yeah. Fingy.

Casto. And then later they were talking about how, you know, he's going later in the day to see his friend at a coffee shop and she's doing something. And then the next day he's going to Portland. And she was like, Oh oh they have an Instagram for Portland oh

oh no they sure do wait a minute am I dating my aunt oh amazing oh I've heard they have an Instagram Portland has an Instagram now mine was uh

so this this whole week or i guess this past weekend uh was supposed to be the storm of the century oh yeah yes so it was supposed to be uh and it was i mean it was very blustery uh a couple a couple of days ago and i was on a bus that got hit by a falling branch. Ah! Not a big branch. A big branch? Big branch, yeah. Stop the bus? I want to get off? Stop the bus

and knock the crazy things off. Oh, the trolley wires? Yeah, the trolley wires and, uh, uh, but the bus driver had a,

he just came on the little intercom and all he said was Mother Nature and then he went out and did a fix the thing yeah so he wasn't like this will be a minute no it was other nature that's it that's nice i like that

yeah and uh like the branch hit and then bounced off so he didn't have to get the branch off but it was yeah and i hope you're all spooked yeah and he had to like go out into the into the bluster into the bluster into where there's falling branches there's a lot of times I wish I could get out and help the bus driver do that thing but I think there's

probably protocols that don't allow passengers to go out and help yeah because they have to put the things back on the wire

oh yeah yeah yeah there's things like if you die they're in big trouble yeah yeah there's certain things you can do that you're like I'm trying to be more

helpful and more polite that are like getting in the way yeah or like if you if you get pulled over can do that you're like, I'm trying to be more helpful and more polite that are, are like getting in the way. Yeah. Or like if you, if you get pulled over by the police, you're like, you know what? I'll just get out of the car and greet them.

No, don't. Yeah. Oh yeah. And so before you put a, before you do CPR on this guy, I'll put chapstick on him. Oh yeah.

That's nice. Yeah. That's nice. I'm just trying to be nice. Yeah. What is that? Blackberry? Yeah, it's a blackberry. Um, that's nice. I'm just trying to be nice. Yeah. What is that? Blackberry? Yeah, this is blackberry.

Sorry, I have to look up. Because we also have overheards that have been written into us. Oh, good for that. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Amit. A-M-I-T. Amit. Yeah, Amit. Amit first one comes from Amit. A-M-I-T? Amit? Yeah, Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit.

Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. Amit. wrap and it says meatless monday baja vegetarian wrap when two young men walked up behind me one asked the other does baja mean chicken oh that's sad oh it's like chicken pollo okay all right but still but it's meatless yeah it is meatless, it is meatless. It's the meatless day. It's the meatless cute. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Duh-ba-da-duh-ba-da. This next one comes from Christy, also from Vancouver.

This is people on a date. Yep. An awkward two guys. Two guys on a date. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah. Don't do is it halloween already is it them uh the first guy is obviously carrying the bulk of the conversation and is desperately trying to come up with something to say man one so uh what's your favorite movie

man two complete silence and look of bafflement and then man one says hmm blade three for sure oh my god the one with ryan reynolds yeah keep moving i don't know that go on yeah yeah no but that is the way to write it is it is and uh wow really wow your favorite movie but also the guy looked nothing next to the question yeah what's my movie? I don't want to talk about this. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to. Keep going. What's my favorite House of Hogwarts?

Yeah, it's... I wouldn't... I don't know Harry Potter, so I wouldn't know how to answer that one. Graham? Muggle House. Yeah. Scribulex.

Yeah. Yeah, Scribulex. Scribulex, that's good. Mucine Lex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Scribble. Scribble. That's good. Musin X. Yeah. You should be in the house of Musin X. Yeah. I want to be with those little green guys.

Yeah. Oh, um, this last one comes from Keith S, uh, from Philadelphia. I was at a cookout with my wife's family. You ever been to a cookout?

Is it like a barbecue? I don't know. I don't know what a cookout is, specifically. Feels different than a barbecue, though. Feels different. When I overheard the following conversation between a 10-year-old boy and his friend, Boy 1, you know, we're all brothers because we all come from the first two humans that were ever born.

Boy 2, really? Do you remember their names? Boy 1, I don't know boy two was it jfk boy one yeah it was jfk i'm so impressed that kids today know that oh yeah that we all descend from jfk and marilyn monroe yeah jfk was a big deal in my youth because of the movie JFK. That's right. Yeah. But yeah, is there a movie?

Why would kids know about JFK now? I don't know. Wow. I mean, it's probably the most famous conspiracy. Although I'd be more impressed if they would have known who Adam and Eve were. Yeah. Rather than JFK, right? I mean. And they clearly don't know who JFK is.

Or Adam and Eve. Yeah. Maybe they were thinking of KFC. These are all things. Sure. These kids. Is that Spanish for chicken? Spanish for Baja?

Oh, guys, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is, I had the number memorized. No, I never had it memorized. If you would like to call us, our phone number is come on, hurry up. Come on, why don't ya?

It is 1-844- 779-7631 or ugh, spypod one. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Joe from Midwest City, Oklahoma, calling in with an overheard.

I was walking around and I came upon this guy just yelling into his phone, saying what sounded like, You're right, Rick. If you can prove that I stole a regular shovel, then I owe you restitution. But otherwise, you can suck my dick. That's a good one. Yeah. You gotta prove it. Oh, yeah.

A regular shovel, not a fancy shovel. But if you can't prove it, you can suck my dick. That's the arrangement. Have you ever stolen anything? What's the last? What's the biggest what's the last what's the biggest thing you stole what's the biggest thing I stole

um I don't I haven't done a lot of like just like typical thievery but when I worked at a drugstore I mean we

stole drugs we used to clean that place out no when I like I worked at a shopper's drug mart as a teenager and oof we took stuff we did

yeah we did shampoo lipstick yeah lipstick shampoo stuff like that. I was at home Depot the other day. No, it was a few months ago and I got a, I needed a push broom and a push broom comes in two parts. You buy the handle and you buy the, the, the stick. Yeah.

Yeah. The broom head of the broom. I don't know. The head, I guess the bristles. Yeah. And just for convenience, I screwed them together and put them in the cart and walked through the store. And when I checked out, I didn't say anything. And they checked it out as one thing.

Long con. And I feel like Home Depot is still coming out way ahead because of all the times I bought the wrong kind of screw and didn't return it. And didn't return it. Absolutely. Ah, not bad. You? The Hope Diamond. Oh, is that you?

Oh my gosh. That was me. Okay, let me tell you this. A friend of mine, I went to go have a facial with a friend of mine not very long ago, like two weeks ago. Okay. We went to have a facial and there's always a part in the facial where they leave stuff on your face. They go, I'm just going to leave you here. Just relax.

Yeah. And then they leave the room. And they start rummaging through your purse. Don't move. I wish. I wish. And my friend in the other facial room got up, opened the doors and stole the products. And I was like, what the fuck?

I stole. I'm like, what? What? How did she know what she was stealing with those cucumbers on her eyes? Lots of just groping. Wow. But I was just like. Where were the employees?

Because they leave you alone in the room. And I was just like. I guess I can't imagine the room. It's like, you know, it's about this size. And it's all, you know. She got up and she stole the creams. She got up and like opened and took the creams. And I was like it is

I was just like that's crazy that is crazy I think maybe in the dressing room I took like a couple pads do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah

I was like maxi pads I'm taking a couple of these but they were like for us yeah she did the I'm gonna steal some some of this

paper underwear from the bathing suit store yeah alright here's your next phone call. Hey, guys, it's Corey calling in with an overheard. Hi, Corey. I overheard a pair of ladies that are about middle age when I was last in Vancouver getting off the SkyTrain.

And one lady says, and they found a video. And she's older than he. She's like 66. And the other lady, wow. And he's 48? Something like that. Wow. What kind of a lawn bowling club is that?

Lawn bowling? So this is a couple that met each other? A video of a lawn bowling? Yeah. I don't know what the video was of. Oh, okay. I can't imagine a lot of 66-year-old women making sex tapes. Madonna.

Yeah, maybe they are. Madonna. Oh, the divine. I like to think if I, you know, make it 66, I'd be making sex tapes just to see what's going on back there. on back there. I just feel bad for the son who's like, Mother, I'm not going to show you how to make a video. On your phone. On my phone.

How do I edit this? Can you Google me? I accidentally uploaded my sex tape to Portland's Instagram. Alright, here's your final overheard. Hey Dave, Graham, and guests. This is David from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania calling your final overheard. Hey, Dave Graham and guests. This is David from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, calling with an overheard.

I was in the Wawa. It's sort of a convenience store deli combination. And over the loudspeakers, the music starts with the unmistakable song and the spoken word intro. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mambo No. 5. And the guy making the sandwiches just goes, ladies and gentlemen, it's mambo number five. And the guy making the sandwiches just goes, ah, fuck. He probably hears it every day. Probably.

Because I worked at... A little bit of mayonnaise in my sub. I know it seemed like I had that joke, but it just came to me that I needed to. That's great. But if you work in one of those type of stores, a lot of times there's just like one giant loop of music that they play. That makes you want to.

Yeah. So then you hear this, you hear this one song. It was like when I worked at Toys R Us, one of the songs was the theme song to Malcolm in the Middle, but like the extendo to Malcolm in the Middle. But like the Extendo song. Oh, sure, yeah. So I know all the words to that song for no...

I guess they might be giants? Yeah. Yeah. Anyways. Well, Graham, life isn't fair. Yeah. Is it Mother Nature? Life is unfair.

Oh, yeah. Or life is not unfair. Oh, geez. Maybe I don't remember. Maybe life's not so fair. Life is... No, I think it's unfair. Yeah, unfair. Life is not unfair. Oh, geez. Maybe I don't remember. Maybe life's not so fair. Life is unfair. No, I think it's unfair. Anyway.

Anyways, it was a dark, dark period of my time. Mambo No. 5, not one of the songs. Oh, sure. Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. Deb, do you have anything coming up in November that you want to plug? What am I doing in November? November, I'm going to be in Wisconsin, believe it or not.

The cheese place. Yeah, why not? The Badger's Day. I'm doing a funny business. I think it's a bit of a festival. It's the first week in November. Okay. And then I'm going to Cancun.

What? What? With Just for Laughs. I'm doing a resort. But then I'm going to be, then I'll be going to Ontario. I'm going to do Hamilton at the Zoetic Theatre on November 19th.

And then on the 23rd, I'm going to be in Kitchener-Waterloo. And then on the 25th, I'm going to be in Sydney, Nova Scotia with our dear friend, Nikki Payne. So that's on my website. So go and get tickets to that. And you can't say they fly you down to Cancun for a show? Yeah. You want to hear something, though? This will be the second time fly you down to Cancun for a show? Yeah. You want to hear something, though? Yeah.

This will be the second time I've gone to Cancun this year for comedy. What? What is my life? What is your life? I'm very lucky. I'm a lucky girl.

Do you like the heat lounging by the pool? Well, no, that's the thing. That's a thing that I've also, you have to change in my life because I just, I'm not enjoying it enough. You know what I mean?

You're not enjoying it? No, you've got to get out there. And sit on my deck and read. Do you know what I'm saying? I should, yeah, I'm have to change in my life because I'm not enjoying it enough. You know what I mean? You're not enjoying it? No, you've got to get out there. I go to Cancun and sit on my deck and read. Do you know what I'm saying? I should, yeah. You should take what? I quit sugar. Dancing lessons.

What else should you do in Cancun? You seem more, you're maybe more excited about going to Wisconsin. A little bit, to be honest. A little bit. Cheeseheads. Woo! Well, good thing you're not cutting out dairy. Right?

Thank goodness. But white, no white cheese. No white food. um good thing you're not cutting out dairy right thank goodness but white no white cheese no white food so you know it's gotta be your cheddars and your uh

cheddars basically that's it right yeah black cheese blue cheese oh yeah a blue cheese a black cheese

yeah a cider drink don't eat the black cheese yeah those baby bells come in the red wrapper oh yeah that counts yeah

it's just the inside like can you eat a banana? Will you eat a banana? Oh, these are questions for the ages. Did we talk about white food on air or off air? I don't remember. I don't remember. Anyway, she's not eating white food.

Oh, goodness. Anyway. Well, thank you so much for being our guest, and thank you out there for listening. If you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Boy, but Duran Duran. Oh, sure.

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