Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 456 - Beth Stelling

Episode Date: December 12, 2016

Comedian Beth Stelling joins us to talk local sweet treats, stitches, and old Blockbusters.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 456 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who guarantees you'll like the way you look. Mr. Dave Shumka. What was that guy's name?

Men's Warehouse. George Zimmer. Yeah. Have you ever shopped at a men's warehouse? We don't have them here. No. I've shopped at a Moors. Yeah, that's what we have. Yeah. They have some of the same commercials but without him. Yeah. Have you ever shopped at a men's warehouse? We don't have them here. No. I've shopped at a Moors. Yeah, that's what we have.

Yeah. They have some of the same commercials, but without him. Yeah. But no, never a men's warehouse. Someday, maybe. I think it's... Something to look forward to. I think it's if you need to get a suit and you don't want to try.

Well, yeah, it's off the rack, right? I guarantee it. And our guest today, a very funny comedian, is a guest star in season two of the Amazon Prime show, Red Oaks. But you guys can't even watch that. Yeah, but you know what? I'm so sorry I didn't know that. And I would have never taken the role, honestly, if I had known. It's Beth Stelling is our guest.

Hey, everybody. Hello. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being our guest. Yeah. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us.

So, Beth, have you ever been to a women's warehouse? Is that a thing? Well, not on my own volition, I'll tell you that. They don't advertise to women. No, you mostly get stolen and then taken to a women's warehouse. Oh, yeah. That's true. No, we don't have warehouses.

What do you have? We have boutiques. Oh, right. That's right. I'm trying to think of a women's warehouse. I don't know. What's the equivalent where if you were a woman that needed some, like, business attire? Yeah.

Where would you go? Lane Bryant? I don't know. I'm trying to think. Lane Bryant. That sounds good. Okay, Express or, like, a women's business suit. Oh.

If you're going, I'd like to pay far too much, I would go to J.Crew or Banana Republic. Sure. For a nice women's suit. Yeah. Well, maybe not far too much. Maybe you're wearing the suit every day. Maybe you are, but. You're going to want some variety.

I don't know. I think that's something else out there. You're going to like the way you have variety. I used to do speech and debate in high school, which was basically like a little. I was in the humorous category. Of course, debate is debate. It's kids arguing over things. I love it.

I was the speech portion so i basically did like these little one-woman shows it was in the humorous category but odd part about it is we all dress like business professionals and that was like part of it and i had suits and i still have some of them and i would get them from express, which was, now there's men and women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now were these original monologues or were these? These were, so in Illinois and other states, there was OI,

or no, it doesn't matter. There's another name for it. Okay. OC, original comedy. And you could write your own. Oh. But mine was HI, humorous interpretation.

So you take a play, cut it down to about 10 minutes and then perform all the characters. Oh, wow. So that, it was to about 10 minutes, and then perform all the characters. Oh, wow. So that, it was a very male-dominated category, and I was like always one of few women in the room. But it seems like that would be the weirdest thing to wear, business professional suits. And you basically, you're like this. You're playing all the parts.

Like, hello, I'm talking to you. But no, I'm over here. In order to prep for your round or whatever, if you went to any high school on the weekend, it would just be a bunch of teens in suits talking to the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what a lot of green rooms are at open mic nights. Really?

Yeah. Oh, that's so embarrassing. I would never be caught dead talking to a wall. Or pacing and muttering to themselves. Yeah. How long did it take? Sorry, I turned to the interview to be hosted. No, please. You host.

I'll host the rest of the time. Hey, everybody. Welcome to... Business Express with Best Telling. Business Express. I like that. My next... Anything.

My next show. I was just going to say, you know, did you call yourself comedians right away? I still am very uncomfortable with that. Yeah. I'm of the French school. Everyone's a comedian, sort of like, you know, their word for actor is comedian. If you act in a comedy, you're a comedian. You're what the French call les écompétants.

I'm just kidding. That is a quote from Home Alone. Okay. I was just, because the reason I thought of it is because I read this little thing in the paper that was basically Robert Frost saying,

like, the title poet is a gift. What paper are you reading? Robert Frost is doing an op-ed? It's your paper. Really? Okay. And it said basically, like, yeah, it took him a long time. He was basically-ed it's your paper really? okay and it said basically like

yeah it took him a long time he was basically saying it's a gift like are you a poet? and he was like no the title of poet is a gift it has to be bestowed on you oh

oh somebody has to call you a poet and it made me think of just like when you just said a bunch of comics talking to walls in a green room in an open mic I was like

how many comics did I remember coming up that were like oh stand- stand-up comedian, do you want my card? You know what I mean? And it took me so long to be like, well, sometimes I kind of do. I do some comedy, yeah. When did you first feel like confident in applying that title? I think it took a long time, but at least three years. Was there like a specific instance? No, I think it was

just like, you know what, I'm actually really going to go for this. And then I got business cards, like the other people. Once you invest in business cards, you've got to put something in your suit. Exactly. Okay, I'd like to turn the podcast back to you guys. Okay, thank you. A podcast is something that you have to have given to you.

Yes. I remember there was a comedian that I started out with, and she was probably two years ahead of me in it, and she was the one who said, you can call yourself a comedian now. Yeah. And I was like, cool. Cool, thanks. But still, somebody asked me what I do.

I lie. I don't say I'm a comedian. Unfortunately, I used to be so proud of it. And then, and I'm still proud. I just mean like now. Yeah. I just lie. What do you say you are?

I just say I'm in town visiting. I do this. I'm a drifter. I know. I think it sounds, it sounds so like too cool. Oh, I'm just, you know, like that. I don't want to say I'm a comedian. It's not that I can't deal with the interaction, that's fine.

But I don't know, maybe it's more a little bit lazy. But some people literally are like, tell me a joke. Yeah, or you're checking into your hotel and sometimes they're like, oh cool, or anywhere you are, they're like, oh, can I come? But they'll never come, it doesn't matter. So it's like, why would I tell you? Because I know you're not going to come. If you're a comedian, why do you have so many business suits? I will take a card, though. What were your first cards?

Were they just a plane? It was a photo of me in a window laughing, but the window had bars on it. Oh. It was my Chicago apartment, and I was in jail. And I think I was laughing. I had hair nearly down to my ass. I don't know why no one told me to cut it. I'm so...

Nobody did or do you think you blocked it out? I think... Could you tell that through the window? Yeah, very long hair. You can just see it. Oh, it's kind of like a Rapunzel theme. Yeah, well, it was more like me holding onto the bars and laughing. I'm sure we could find the photo.

But like... Like this, like this. And I was wearing a purple dress. I took the note of some photographer. Yeah. Because photographers always want to do something interesting. Yes, exactly. Do you think prisoners ever have carts?

How soon after buying a camera does someone call themselves a photographer? Oh, I mean, they're calling it waiting for the camera to arrive. I think they're a photographer. Oh, I mean, they're calling it waiting for the camera to arrive. Yeah. I think they're a photographer based on the fact that they just pressed purchase. Yes. On a camera.

I got the kind with the extra lens. How many cards would you say that you handed out? Because I've had cards and I think I've handed out maybe 10. Yeah. Oh, two. No, no, no. I think I handed out, if I had to really guesstimate that's tough 20 wow i don't know it seems like 25 or something because how many i had so many

a thousand you know what maybe i was really shelling them out there for a little while yeah just put them under i got a little box for free right because vista print if you let them keep this print on the back which that didn't seem like a great business model. Either way. You're basically like a Vistaprint salesperson at that point? Yeah, I guess. But so anyway, it was like a small box. But the only time I've had one other job under a friend, I had business cards for that.

And I probably gave out five. Yeah. It's such a waste. It's so embarrassing. Especially like in this century. Yeah, now it's ridiculous. If you want to just so embarrassing especially like in this century yeah now it's ridiculous if you want to get a hold of me

try anything yeah just type my name into a thing and something will come back I have a feeling if I looked out the window all of the cars

up and down the street would have Beth's cards on the windshield wiper on my way in I was like watch my anything please yeah that's the other thing

it's like you know you don't if you have to tell someone you're a comedian yeah I mean that's a bad example but it's just like I'm checking out

what do you do I'm a comedian I don't know you yeah that makes sense yeah yeah that's fine okay do you guys get Amazon Prime up here no

and if you did you know exactly who I am I come in mid-season. It's hard to miss me. What is Red Oaks? It's on a golf course? It's set in a country club in the 80s in New Jersey.

Cool. It stars Jennifer Grey, Richard Kind, Paul Reiser. The big three. My Mount Rushmore. And I play a comedian. I play a lessee. Like an 80s lessee? 80s les.

Well, that was the only kind of female comedian there could be in the 80s. I have shoulder pads. Oh, do you really have shoulder pads? Do you have a crazy, what's the hairdo? It's like teased on top. Nice. I'll show you the picture. Your business card?

I'm on like three episodes, so I have three different outfits, and they're all incredible. Were you so excited? High-waisted pleated jeans. Nice. I wanted to keep the outfits for real. But what are they going to do with the outfits if you didn't get to keep them? Well, they're on season two with no with no thing uh end in sight it's a great show so they're like we're just gonna keep these jeans until the

series yeah yeah well you can't really see the jeans here oh that is a great look but it's like straight up paula poundstone yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean and they said that too they were like we're going for paula uh have you ever met Paula Poundstone? I've not. I don't think that I know any comedians that have. She's been around a long time. This is a real high-waisted gene day. Oh, wow.

Nice. I wanted to keep the gene. Oh, yeah. Oh, it must be so much fun to be a costumer. Yeah. I think it's probably also hell, though. Yeah. This woman was amazing. But she has a lot of help because she has to.

And I think it's difficult to be in the costume department. But, yeah. Because, like, you want to be the designer. Yeah. To do that, you have to spend so many years under someone else and work your way up and prove yourself. And it's like, I guess, like anything in entertainment, we have to prove ourselves. How long, how many pairs of pleated 80s jeans do you have to buy before you call yourself a costumer? 20.

Do you think she, were those things that she purchased or did she make those? Purchased. Okay. All of it was found. Yeah. I guess that's what's good about doing a show that's within a couple decades. Because you can't go and like find a victorian dress if you watch it it's not it's not campy it's not it's it's not a joke like it's not

an 80s like this is funny right you will watch it and if you lived in the 80s it's like this is incredible yeah this is so fun good soundtrack they yeah. Yeah, but the acting's great. They're just all great. It's a great show. It's really. I wish I could see it. Oh, well. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

I can't stop talking about it. Well, no, apparently it was announced. Well, it leaked that it was going to be available, that Amazon Prime was going to be available in Canada, but Amazon hasn't said it, so. Oh, boy. I don't know who to believe. These Hollywood rumors. What about HBO? How's that for you

guys? It's fine. In January, I think it's February 18th now, Pete Holmes' show, Crashing comes out, and I wrote on that. Oh, cool. That's something that maybe everybody who's listening now could partake in. Is that a sitcom? It is. Yeah, it's a series. A scripted series

based on Pete Holmes' life. Cool. For HBO, I think our date is February 18th. So you're writing sitcoms. You're starring in sitcoms. You're doing the stand-up. That's right. How do you get any sleep at all? You're working so much.

Actually, if you talk to a cab driver or anything and they ask what you do, you should say triple threat. Triple threat! And then he's like, you tap dance, sing, and act? No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Different threats. Why do one of those things? Yeah, martial arts.

I do one of those things. Accounting and singing. Tap dance is so difficult. Have you ever tried? Of course. Yeah, it's so hard. I mean, I assumed I was pretty good at it. I didn't have the proper shoes.

No, I still do. Oh, okay. I have tap shoes. I made the noises with my it. I didn't have the proper shoes. No, I still do. Okay. I have tap shoes. I made the noises with my feet. Do you really have adult tap shoes? Yeah, they're at my mom's right now. Did you take lessons or did you just think, I'll be good? When I was young, my sisters were dancers.

And when I was young, I tried. And then I would just walk out. Or whenever I tried to do things with my sisters. Clickety-clickety-clickety-click. That was like the best you've done all day was leaving. It's like perfect rhythm. But it's difficult.

Also, I think it depends on your affinity. Are you like a hand person or a feet person? And where's your center of balance? Or what did you do as a kid that made you that way?

Because I think sometimes people are great at soccer. What made me a foot person? You know what I mean? I did see a lot of Quentin Tarantino movies. If you're a good soccer person, you have that foot agility. Right. Or your balance is enough for you.

But I play field hockey, so I'm forward, and it's my hands. And my feet are just running. You got good hand-eye coordination kind of? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. And I play cello. Oh, me too. I'm all up like you.

You did not. Of course I play cello. When? From grade one to grade so. Yeah. And I played cello. Oh, me too. I'm all up like you. You did not. Of course I played cello. When? From grade one to grade seven. Yeah. I didn't know this. Yeah. I loved it.

I hated it. I quit, so I didn't love it that much. How long did you play it for? I quit before ninth grade. What did you play most, cello or field hockey? Oh, field hockey. Because for me, that was the push and pull right right right you have to make a choice i never played field hockey but i did watch freaky friday a lot i played field

hockey more because i started in third grade third grade field hockey so field hockey cello tap triple threat gymnastics is what it was because tap i couldn't really do so oh you did gymnastic yeah i was a gymnast for so many years and but yeah i guess like i don't know i just could not get the hang of did you have a specialty in gymnastics i think probably i guess floor exercise i mean i did beam was always scary i never really i got onto the team but i wasn't like pre-olympic do you know what i mean? I think the most highest difficulty level I would have done on the beam is a cartwheel or a back walkover.

What? That sounds... A back handspring is like, boom, boom, the two at a time. You would just go hand to feet. Back walkover is like hand, hand, foot, foot. So it's like a little... When they have it on TV at the Olympics, it's so loud. Like the... Thuds Like the thuds hitting the equipment.

It's like a horse. Yeah, I talk about gymnastics on stage a little bit, but I just say you're a gymnast when you're young because you're unaware of the many ways that your neck can break. I'll do that. I'll try that. Did you ever get hurt at all? No, thankfully I never had any.

My daughter, I have a two year old and she's at gymnastics right now. Wow. Yeah. You know, it's a great discipline and I did it for years. I did. I must've been probably about first grade through six.

I think two year old gymnastics is more like, let's stand on one foot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Working on balance and then jumping into the pit. Yeah. There's a pit of snakes. Oh no. foot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Working on balance and then jumping into the pit at the end. There's a pit of snakes. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe a little trampoline to build some muscle. A trampoline. Sure. Covered in snakes. More snakes and snakes. But we have a rule.

You can't do the trampoline until she can pronounce it. Okay. Well, how does she say it now? To Mabadab. Ew. What an idiot idiot I know so you did

gymnastics and then you were like was field hockey was that your choice or you were forced into it my sisters played and so I played

are you the youngest okay so you just did whatever sisters did no I think my mom I was talking to my mom the other day

and she was just like you always did you just always took your own path. Because I would try things they would do and then abandon them. Right. My mom's a pianist, and my sisters took. And I tried. But my mom taught Yamaha, which is basically like a claving over a keyboard. It was just a school of teaching that. Right, okay. And my mom was a Yamaha, which is basically like a clavin over a keyboard. It was just a school of teaching that.

Right, okay. And my mom was a Yamaha teacher. So you would go and all the keyboards would be set up in her class. It was an extracurricular, after-school activity. Right. So I took the class, but I never paid attention or practiced. But we would have like a recital. And I'm horrible at remembering what grade.

But either way, at the recital, I had been not prepared. And so the teacher goes around and make sure everybody's on at the same time. And then we all play like hot cross buns together and different things. So I just like flicked, she came around and checked, and then I turned mine off and then I just let her rip. I think I did that in a couple of musicals where I just mouthed the words. Oh, sure. Yeah.

Very, very clever way of kind of getting out of it i'm gonna stand out if i try to actually play we can't have that but you you had you were a lot of extracurricular activities yeah i that i really was a ton all through high school i I was doing so many, so many things. No time to be depressed. That was my, yeah, exactly. I made sure to make time to be depressed. Yeah, you were hanging out. What were you doing?

Smoking cigarettes. That was my big thing. Just something to keep his hands busy. The cigarette boy. Yeah, I became cigarette boy. And like, because I used to, I used to run. And then I discovered smoking. I loved it so much.

Do you still smoke? No. No. No, you can't smoke as an adult. It's ridiculous. When you're an adult. Oh, 16. Oh, my God.

I've been asleep for two years. That's the funniest thing I've ever said. I'm so tired of you. Where did that come from? I just said it I just pretended just now That it was 2018 Well it's almost 2017

Yeah And then you were just It was just inertia I think I was watching Back to the Future In my hotel yesterday And that was scary Because it was just It was a cautionary tale

Is what it was I mean Biff is The first one? Donald Trump Both Yeah Biff is donald trump yeah like that's the the people in the they wrote it actually said yeah we modeled future biff after real donald trump they said that yeah oh my god i mean i was thinking that just

watching it yesterday he he was the guy that they were like who's a guy that's you know audacious and evil and owns a giant casino and and who's kind of dumb like who would need an almanac yeah in order to you know make his money have we investigated whether or not trump has an almanac no but we should i love how they just switched Jennifer's on this. Yeah. They're just straight up new actress. We'll recreate the beginning of it in the next movie. They switched George's, but they.

Who's George? George. The dead. They did. But he died. No, no. No, remember he's like hanging upside down on some like robot thing in the future. That wasn't, what's his name?

What is his name? Crispin Glover. Crispin Glover. He refused to make the sequel because he wanted a lot of money. Oh, and they're like, yeah, we'll do it without you and same with Jen. Yeah, but then they used his likeness and he sued them successfully and won a ton of money. So Crispin. How do you, they used his likeness? Well, they used old footage, didn't they?

From the first one without paying him. Without paying him. And then they made up a guy to look like him as an old man. But they were fine with a completely different Jennifer. Yeah, that's true. They just were like, yeah, well, just you're out. That's strange. Did you watch that Back to the Future documentary on Netflix?

Oh, yes. And it was kind of about how they made the movie, but also kind of about like fan conventions. And the only people who come to the conventions from the movie are the mayor. Yeah. Goldie Wilson. And the first Jennifer. Original Jennifer. She like does the fan circuit.

But she was in it for two seconds. Yeah, well. She's in it for more seconds than I was in it. Wow. But I mean, she's hardly a character in it. She just comes at the end. Yeah, what does she say? Does she have any lines in it?

No, she just is like, you're acting like you haven't seen me in a week. She says at the beginning, you really got to send your tape to the record company, Marty. Oh, yeah. She was an encouraging girlfriend. Well, she was a wonderful girlfriend. I'm not trying to take that from her. But she's also barely in the second one, too. They knock her out.

They knock her out. Don't they hide her behind garbage? Yeah. Where she belongs. Okay. What was her name again in real life? Elizabeth Shue. Thank you.

She's great. She's great. Love Elizabeth Shue. Yeah. Was she on Melrose Place? Uh-huh. She was in... Did you yawn louder?

Mm-hmm. It was an answer and a yawn. Yeah. Yeah, Dave. Oh, sorry. Yeah, Dave. Oh, well, you guys are a yawn. Yeah. Yeah, Dave. Oh, sorry. Yeah, Dave. Oh, well, you guys are all coming in. Yeah.

Now, this is what I learned about you by just watching stand-up videos. You're from Ohio. That's right. Where in Ohio? Like I'd tell you guys. Oh, yeah. No, you're right. I'm sorry.

Dayton, Ohio. Small city? Big city. Is it? It's one of the big three. I'm sorry. Dayton. Dayton, Ohio. Small city? Big city. Is it? It's one of the big three. I'm just kidding. I don't know. That doesn't mean anything.

Is there a- There's like Dayton, Cincinnati, Columbus, Cleveland, Toledo. Those are the bigs. Okay. Sorry, Akron. Akron. Ooh. I said Cleveland.

What is the major industry in Dayton? Is there like a famous- I think it's tumbleweeds oh it's not like a factory no we had a there's definitely there were some signs of depression in downtown was it rust there was like zero human souls down there for a while it was like downtown dayton if you had to go down there oh it just felt like you'd see one person walking. And I'm not making light of this, but like some homeless people.

And that was it. Yeah. Yeah. It was just not, that was my experience growing up at least. It just felt like when you go downtown, you're not going to see much, you're not going to see many people.

Right. And that's not totally true. People work down there, there's businesses and buildings. And so I'm exaggerating, but for me and my perspective as, as a junior high or high schooler, it was just never felt like bustling.

It felt odd and sort of unpopulated. I mean, when I, growing up here, I would go downtown as a teenager and I would be so like scared. Yeah, we were scared. But, but it was, it was bustling. That's probably what scared me. Also smelled a lot of pee. Really?

Oh yeah, that's true. You don't get that in the suburbs quite as much. Pee smell. Yeah. Um, it was scary. I mean,

we would take the bus down to do certain things like field trips to see theater. Right. Downtown or, but yeah, I remember being scared, but that's just, it was like adults that we didn't know, you know, I that's just like adults that we didn't know. I'm still scared of adults.

I don't know. Do your family still there? Yeah. So you go back. You keep in touch with Dayton? I sure do. Dayton till I die, baby. What's the thing when you go back there? Is there a favorite restaurant?

Is there a favorite restaurant? Is there a favorite? Jelly Donut from Stan the Donut Man. Okay. That's like the go-to? Dorothy Lane Market. I typically like to buy a huge tub of cookie dough that they've assembled. Assembled from various cookies? From various products.

But my mom hates when I do that. Why? She just... You blaze your own path. I know. You're right. You're right. I've done it because it's 24-7.

I'll take her car up there. I'll eat it in the car. I don't give a shit. It's 24-7 and you can just buy dough? Yeah. Oh, really? It's anything. You can buy anything.

What is this place? It's a specialty overpriced beautiful market. So it's like a whole foods but a private small town i mean it'll never there's only two a private 24 hour is insane and upsetting there should just be one yeah they open another one in centerville what is it like so for fancy people or is it yeah i mean like growing up that wasn't that was not our go-to right like growing up my mom was raising me and my sisters and it was like kroger or meyer right um standard grocery store fare but now that we're extremely rich we i don't know what changed but field hockey money started rolling in oh yeah sure my mom

just you know your sister turned pro my sister turned pro. My sister turned pro. And, but yeah, it's just, it's like, it's a specialty sort of Whole Foods. But you walk in there, they had Boston Stoker, which is a little bit coffee. Dracula. The guy who made Dracula. Made Boston Dracula. And then there's like all kinds of cakes. I want to suck the cream out of your donut. I can only do a New York case.

Okay. I want to suck the cream out of your donut. I can only do a New York accent. Okay. And yes, pastries, delights, cakes, cookies. And then there's all kinds of things. But is there. Pre-made snacks. Is there like healthy stuff as well?

Yes. Is it that kind of? There's a whole belly. You can get sandwiches. And then there's, you know, there's everything. It's a grocery. So you, but your thing is. But your thing is cookie dough.

Oh, cookie dough. A big tub of cookie dough. I wanted to list more things. Yeah. Oh, yeah. More things. Jelly donuts. But they sell Stan the Donut Man's donuts.

But I've written them. Oh, my goodness. They only have like three or four jelly donuts that they get in the delivery for the morning donuts. Sometimes when I get there, there's three. A lot of times there's none. And I'm like, get more MFA jelly donuts. I've written.

And they have comment card situation on a bullet to point. It'll say, hey, where's, why'd you get rid of Frank's Red Hot? And then the manager will respond. Because Frank pissed me off. It's poor people food.

Oh my, sorry. We'll bring that back for you. Okay. I have written. Why? I need, I wrote, I need jelly donuts to survive. Why do you only get three? No response taken down.

Do you think that maybe the manager knows that you don't live there anymore? You've got fancy Hollywood handwriting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Go eat one of your Hollywood jelly donuts. Another one of the things they do is they have a whole bulletin board of people all over the world, customers all over the world

standing wherever they are with the bag, with the DLM bag. So my friends went to Iceland, yes, my friends went to Iceland, brought a DLM bag, and we're in Iceland with the DLM bag in this hot spring.

I should have done that. So you were with the friend? To get on the bulletin board, no. Oh, no. You have to bring the bag and then take a picture of it. Do you have one of the friend? To get on the bulletin board. Oh, no. You have to bring the bag and then take a picture of it. Do you have one of the bags? No, I've just never thought to do it. Well, you could, because you travel.

You could go everywhere. I've made some mistakes. That's the time to correct. I know. I need to start. I need to plan a trip somewhere. Solly's Bagels here, they have like a map of they they will ship their cinnamon uh cinnamon buns they'll ship them around the world and they have a map of all the places that

they've sent i mean you should go there or what yeah why not i don't know i have to go somewhere after this to eat but i think sophie's gonna take take me. Okay. Yeah, you need a... You have a sweet tooth. Yeah. So, like, where's... But I'm trying not to. Okay, so then I won't... I don't want... But I'm going to. I'm going to eat. In America, do you have a Dairy Queen treat-a-pizza? Yes. Okay. Probably.

I don't know. I drove by your DQ on the way here. Yeah, and you thought, maybe? I need a sweet tooth treat. I thought, I gotta get something that I can't get anywhere else. What do we have here, sweets-wise? Oh. What's something that you could treat yourself to? Is Cartem's?

Is that a big chip? Yeah, we just some fancy donut. I went to Bracca. What? Bracca's really good. I went there. Yeah. I had a red velvet.

Me and Sophie split red velvet and strawberry shortcake. Pretty good. It was delish. I don't doubt it. I don't know this place. There's two. There's one downtown. There's one up at Fraser and way up at 49th there.

And they got, oh, they got strudel and they got donuts and oh my goodness. Yep. Oh, the things you'll have. But yeah, there's some great donut situations here in town. Yesterday was- But you're trying to stay away. No, whatever. I'll do it.

Yesterday was my birthday. Happy birthday. Yeah, happy birthday. Thank you. I was a little late, but it's fine. And like for the last week, I told my wife, I just want a Dairy Queen treats a pizza. And?

Which is a big, if it's not available where you are, it's a circle of cookie crumbs. Okay. With soft serve on top and then toppings. M&Ms in my case. And she was like, oh, okay. And then I realized the actual present she was getting me was a pie. So last night I had both. Oh.

Wait, so she got you the treats and pizza though? Yeah. Okay, but then the present she picked out for you. It was a pie. Interesting. She had already like pre-ordered a pie. Yeah. Nice.

Did you eat them at the same time? Wow. I mean, I don't know your wife, but I don't know. That's an-ordered a pie. Yeah. Nice. Did you eat them at the same time? Yes. Wow. I mean, I don't know your wife, but I don't know. That's an interesting gift, the pie. Well, we've been together a long time. She's sick of it. I don't need anything.

She's sick of your shit. She just wanted to get me something that I would appreciate and, you know. Totally. What if you got a pie for your birthday? Wouldn't you be thrilled? Yeah. Or would you be so excited? I agree with you, Dave.

I shouldn't have said that about your birthday. Wouldn't you be thrilled? Yeah. Or would you be so excited? I shouldn't have said that about your wife. I think that I was thinking just the other day where I was like, you know, I don't get if you think about

I'm 31 so it's like there have been 31 Christmases my mom's had to come up with something. And at first I was like, that's not a lot. Like,

you should come up with something. That's a lot. But that's a lot of gifts. Like 30, first of all, it's not just one gift, typically. What did she she get you last year what was the marquee gift last year oh no oh no i don't know if i can remember oh no okay well what's the what i don't know from the last 10 years what was your what was the big favorite gift that you got you come on i'm

giving 10 years your entire adult life oh no okay i've said that i'm not even going to get my nieces and nephews gifts under the age of a certain age because they won't remember right same reason i don't do nice things for my drunk friends you if i'm gonna do something nice for you you better clock it in that hard drive you know yeah remember it but the thing is as a father now you just want to like first of all stuff for a two-year-old is so cheap that's true it's like uh you should take photos and be like they're looking how many things i got you back in the day or her with gifts and you want to do that of course i do um but she won't appreciate them. Like, because she doesn't, I mean, she gets.

It's garbage. She has object permanence, but she doesn't know what belongs to her. Yeah. Like, things just show, like, we're having lunch at a restaurant, and they happen to have a Connect 4. It's the greatest thing. Yeah. And then she wants to bring it home. You can't.

It's hard to explain to her. But, like, by the time someone's eight or nine, I don't even know what they like anymore. I do. What do they like? Dolls. The Lion King. She already has so many dolls. Do kids now like the Lion King? I was just speaking from my

own experience. Okay, so you're an eight-year-old Beth. She loves the Lion King. I have Lion King sheets. I have a Pumbaa. I have a Timon. Okay. You do have the original soundtrack. You're singing along. I don't even know. You're imagining Jonathan Taylor Thomas saying the words.

Yeah, or kissing my neck. My eight-year-old neck. Ew. He's 16. I was picturing Simba actually licking my neck. Oh, that sandpaper tongue. Yeah, I don't know what to buy. I have to focus in specifically on the person.

I could never imagine just like general, like buy a 10-year-old person something. It's a pressure, though. It's like the instant pressure. If you could just, if you were walking around the world and you're like you knew how to get get a gift for all of your loved ones in the year yeah and you because here it's difficult because it's just like it's the pressure of the right before christmas or hanukkah you know where you're like okay i gotta get them something what

are they like and then you're like racking your brain for like, but if you could do it at any time and just be like, and this is the gift, like we would just call it the gift. This is your, the gift for the year. At any time you would be hanging with them. You'd see, they want something like, well, let me get that for you. And that's, you're the gift. I don't know why I'm calling it the gift. But I think that's, you can do that.

That would be more meaningful Yeah Because you wouldn't have to be like Paying extra attention around the holidays What people are saying Or what they want or Right I don't know A couple years ago

My brother had his daughters Go on Amazon And just like add things to wish lists Yeah And it was hundreds of things Because they Yeah they like everything I like that

Of course I like that I want Oh yeah I want that doll. And I want the hair set that comes with it and the whatever set that comes with it. When I was like a little, little kid, they used to have, they used to get a fucking catalog. And then I would circle things. And I would circle everything. I'd be like, everything Ninja Turtles, all the Ninja Turtles, every possible Ninja Turtles thing. That makes me smile thinking about the Toys R Us one coming.

I would just flip through it. I would just circle all the women in bras. I want these. And they're like, someday, yeah, but now you have no game. I mean, this isn't something we can give you days. I just wanted to imagine them kissing my neck. Yes. We can teach you how to get that type of thing.

We can teach you. We can't pay. Yeah, we'll get you a copy of the game. It's wrong for us to pay. But there you go. My parents taught me to nag. They're like, here's some advice. Make her think you don't want it.

That's weird to think that. Maybe make her think you don't want a pie. Parents will teach you so many things. Talk about a treat to pizza all day long. Until she gets you a pie. Basically foreplay. But parents will not impart a lot of advice when it comes to dating. To boning down.

Dating and seducing. Courting. Courting. And also, and it would be uncomfortable if they did. I always say, like, there are parents that I think, especially moms moms are like, sex doesn't exist. Or you have a mom. Right. Like, how is your orgasm?

And you're like, ew. Well, I would be like, well. Yeah, I can't tell you about this. Why don't you check out the shower wall? We didn't ever really. My mom would always talk about how romantic it was meeting my dad. He was birdwatching in a tree. He fell out and her dad hit him with a car.

Let me just let you know a small little detail about that. He wasn't watching birds. Yeah, he was a peeping Tom. Yeah, like, but why is it weird? I know that it is weird, but why is it weird that parents aren't allowed to talk about gins? I think, yeah. Yeah.

I think if you're like German, there's a lot of that. I think if you're Donald Trump, you can just straight up hit on your daughter. Oh, well. Yeah, that's different though. I don't know. He's Donald Trump, Paul Kogan school of parenting. That's called patriotism now. Yeah, my daughter's hot and I'm proud of it.

She didn't have my last name, my fucker. Why is he Southern? I don't know. That was mean of me. No, but it's a good... To make him Southern. To make him Southern. I was just impersonating my dad.

Is your dad living in the South? He's always sexting me. Yeah. Yeah. No, he lives in Florida. We don't talk. It's too far away. I did... think it doesn't matter they don't have the right kind of cookie dough there yeah exactly they have crab grass and sand it's oh yeah can't ever get it out of your shoes yeah understood

no you made the right call thank you um yeah i don't know why you're not allowed to talk about sex. Because then you got to just learn it piecemeal from your dumb friends that don't know anything. Right. And movies. I think there are some parents, like I said, that could teach you those things. But everyone's always so turned off by it. I think we had a health teacher explain how she had boys, or she had sons, and that she explained masturbating to them. Wow.

And everyone was like, ew. And it's like, well, I don't know. I mean, she didn't use her hand. I think she was just like,

here's the deal. Yeah. You know, sometimes people do this. They start experimenting. Sure. These are the ways that you could do it. Make sure you're in private.

Mm-hmm. You know what I mean like you lay some ground rules down like don't ruin my X, Y, or Z around the house

yeah yeah oh yeah that's yeah exactly so I think if you lay down some ground some masturbatory ground rules

for your own home my orchid you're not finding hard socks around the house yeah gourd melons. No one's ruining your fresh cherry pies.

But like, that's... What was he thinking in that movie? I don't know. His friend, see, that's what I'm talking about. His friend said that sex is like a hot pie. But that pie is not, you're not going to be able to replace that pie. It's not good. No.

It's like you can't replace a woman's virginity. That's true. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. It is the crumbliest, loosest vagina. A cherry pie. But his friend who told him that must have been lie. Like he was lying. He's like, oh, it was like humping a pie.

That's not what it was like. He got to find a crust that's like real tight, but it is. Ooh, she's lattice. But also, it's got to be like, pies are piping hot. Yeah, yeah. Right. And then otherwise, then they're too cold after a while. You got to get there right on time for body temperature.

Yeah, doesn't he, that, now that I'm thinking about it, that movie makes no sense. Because that pie is just sitting there. It wasn't cooling because it's in the kitchen. His mom would just leave a pie with a horny teen in the house. Not to mention that he could have been burned by the plate or the cooling rack. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe he was using protection. Yeah.

Oven mitts. Yeah. Also, he did it in the kitchen, which you were begging to get caught. Yeah. Maybe that was his thing. Maybe getting caught was his. Getting caught by Eugene Levy. Yeah, yeah.

Eugene was pretty cool about everything. Yeah. He was like, he was the dad that was like, your mother and I. I think that there is a way to do it. Everybody's instinct or a lot of people's, I should say, instinct is to go, ooh, gross, parents. I don't want to hear it from you. But if you

do it right, you can just say stuff like, listen, if you're thinking about having sex here's the deal you gotta use condoms if not stuff that comes out of it that's what gets you pregnant if you don't want to deal with a baby then don't let that happen inside you don't trust the guy to say that he can pull out because it's just not going to happen it's too good in there difficult to leave it's like a i don't know some sort of dessert so i think i will yeah i'll tell if i kids, I'll tell them as best I can. And I'll do it early, whether they want to hear it or not, because kids have sex earlier and earlier.

I think they've been saying that for centuries. In the olden days, it was like 12 was par for the course. Then we started aging, and now we're back. We're back to 12. But are we back to 12? Yeah, I think so. Well, because they would get married at 12 back then. Right.

Oh, yeah. They. Yes. I think it would be a fun thing if you had kids. The sex talk is a punishment for if you do something bad. Uh-oh. Dad's going to talk about sex for half an hour with you yes yes Graham

so they feel guilty about coming for the rest of their lives look that's gonna happen regardless that's just that's just nature taking its course

um yeah you're gonna have to talk oh yeah no I know you have to talk or I guess your wife could do it but we could do it together and team up on our

double tamers with all that oh please where's yawn yawning Beth now? Hey, yeah. You mean like stop talking about that and start yawning? That's what I mean. I made it a laugh when I yawned.

Yeah. That's why it was okay. Like, huh. Oh, and was that a fake yawn That turned into a real yawn You got it It's contagious from yourself Yep

Caught it from myself Like all my STDs I just keep giving myself Here's a fun fact about Speaking of babies For the first little while Yawning isn't contagious to them Cool

Yeah So you just yawn in your baby's face. Yeah. Because I'm bored. Check out these molars. Eat her head. Scare her. You have nieces and nephews?

Mm-hmm. How many? Five. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, my oldest sister just had a tiny baby. So you've had a lot of kid time. Yeah. Kid exposure. Yeah. And I babysat for years. I was a nanny in LA for a little bit. the sister just had a tiny baby so you have you've you've had a lot of kid time yeah kid exposure

yeah and i babysat for years i was a nanny in la for a little bit and i think the longer i've been away from it i guess it's it is sort of like a practice thing um because i held my newest niece and there were there was a part of me too that was like i don't know am i being gentle enough but the truth is from my years of nannying and my brother-in-law's knee or a doctor like obviously you don't want to be rough with a baby that's not my point here but my point my point is you don't have to be like as gentle as some people are scared to be oh yeah that's my point like obviously always be gentle not do something harmful to a child but when you're not experienced, you haven't been around them a ton, sometimes you're like, ah, you're so scared

you're going to hurt them. I feel like I'm holding a bomb. Or even scared. The reason I'm talking about it is because I was feeding her and burping her. And so you don't want to have a moment. You're like, is this too hard or whatever? And it's like, no. And also, there's

the five S's, which is like to calm down a baby. It's you shush them. You shut up. You shush them. You swing them. You, there's three more. It's not shake. You not shake them.

Not shake. Swaddle. Swaddle. And there's a couple more. Swing dance. The shushing is apparently like inside the womb. It's the volume in there is as loud as a vacuum cleaner. So you're supposed to just like yell into your kid's face.

My sister does that. She'll be like, like really loud near her face or her little ear. It's aggressive. Yeah. It makes me uncomfortable. Well, you have to prove that you're the adult. You got to get aggressive. Otherwise, if the baby's the adult, what are you?

You show your teeth. That's one of the essence. Yeah. Show your teeth. And then the other one is. Stand up for your rights. Stand up for your rights. Yeah.

Stand up comedian. That's what I do. Spice it up as well. Oh, yeah. Keep it spicy for the kids. Yeah, keep it spicy. It'll really calm them down. But yeah, I don't know.

I have motherly maternal instincts, I suppose. It's just when you spend time away from kids or caring for them, I think I've noticed lately is all that. Before I had a child, I had never held a baby. No? Not even nieces and nephews? No, no thanks. Really? Yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, nah, I had never held a baby. No? Not even nieces and nephews? No, no thanks. Really? Yeah, I'm like that.

I'm like, nah, I'm good. Really? People want to give you a baby to hold. Yeah. They think it's funny. Yeah, because they don't want to hold it. Yeah. This is out of control.

This is out of control, this yawning. Am I fired? Are you asking me to leave? No, no, no, no. I told you guys it's been a rough morning. I know, I know. And I didn't sleep the night before. Yeah, because you were up all night with somebody's baby.

Yeah. Shut up. Don't worry. We have a nap in the middle of the podcast. Oh, is it nap time? Not just yet. It's like I can't worry. We have a nap in the middle of the podcast, so you'll be able to catch up. Not just yet. It's like I can't stop. It's scary.

Sorry. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Here's something that went on with me the other day. Do you remember a couple of years ago? You don't. I actually do. Long-time listeners of this show will remember that a few years ago, I was washing the dishes. And I was cleaning a glass, and I didn't realize the glass was broken.

And I cut myself, and I had to go to the ER, and I got the first stitches of my life. Oh, my God. And, well, a couple days ago. On the anniversary. I was washing a knife. Oh boy. And my finger slipped and cut it right there. And I knew immediately, this is bad. I gotta take it to the old hospital of Reno. And the last time it happened, my wife, I didn't have her driver's license, so I couldn't drive and hold my flap of skin closed.

Ew. But I, but now she has the driver's license, but we had a sleeping baby, so she couldn't go out. So I had to, she bandaged me up and I drove myself to the hospital. I packed a little. Your finger on ice. Well, it was still attached. But I packed a little to-go bag, like a book and, you know, earbuds in case I was in the ER for a long time. Yeah.

And I got in the car and. Passed out. It was like. Sorry, I'm going to let you finish. No, no, no. It's a long story. Jump in. It was like 9.30 at night, and I was like, after going to the hospital, I'd like to reward myself with some ice cream.

But Dairy Queen's going to be closed at 10. I cannot get enough. So I stopped. This was before the treats at pizza. This was a day or two before. I stopped at Dairy Queen with my bleeding finger, got a blizzard, and drove to the hospital while eating a blizzard with like one hand on the steering wheel. I got there before I had finished my blizzard. I was kind of bummed.

I had to leave a quarter of it in the cup. And then I go in. Are you not allowed to bring snacks into the hospital? I guess you could. This is like so indicative of what it's like to be a new parent Like yes I'm bleeding and could really be hurt But I haven't had alone time in a really long time And I need to just get a blizzard

I'm gonna turn this into a whole trip This is a little me time Thank god I severely hurt myself Because I'm about to be alone Yeah you went and saw Dr. Strayed Then you went to the hospital. I got to the hospital and I was like, darn, there's no lineup. I'm going to be in and out.

So they go, the first nurse, they go to the triage nurse and she was like, you again. No, it was a different nurse. I remember because the last one was Jane Stanton's old roommate. Old Butterfingers. But she looked at it and asked me if I had a tetanus shot.

And I did that thing. I said the joke, will I be able to play the piano anymore? And she was like, I don't know. And I was like, well, that ruins the joke. Like, you're supposed to say yes, and I'll say, but I never could before. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that joke. You don't know that old joke? No, you're supposed to say yes, and I'll say, but I never could before. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that joke. You don't know that old joke?

No, you do. Cool. Next time you're in the ER. Okay. And so, yeah, she didn't get it. She didn't get it. She didn't get it. She didn't get it.

Yeah. They replay the piano. How the fuck should I know? Yeah. I don't know. We don't have one here. Is that what you're asking? It just made her really sad. She was like, I don't know. We don't have one here. Is that what you're asking? It just made her really sad.

She was like, I don't know. Yeah. And you know what? If you can't, just turn off the keyboard and pretend. Exactly.

Are you in the Yamaha school? No, I'm doing Suzuki. And so they wrapped me up and sent me to the next room and she, the doctor, or someone got me there and put me to the next room and she the doctor or someone got me there and put me in a room while I waited for someone

to patch me up and there was this young medical student came in and looked at it and said, oh, that's not so bad. I think, and it had stopped bleeding. It was bleeding so much before. But after it stopped bleeding, it really didn't look that bad. And she said, that doesn't look so bad.

I think we'll just probably glue it shut and you'll be out of here. And then the actual doctor came in and he was like, oh, well, you came really close to your tendon. So what I'd like to do is freeze your finger and like dig around to see if your tendon's okay. Like I'm cutting myself is something that I am so squeamish about, but when it's happening, it's fine. But talking about it and like thinking about it, I get lightheaded. Yeah. But like as a knife is going into me, I'm like, oh, this is fine. This is fine.

Oh my God. I feel ill. Wait. Freeze your finger. Yeah. Yeah. They injected it with something. Linocaine? Lidocaine?

Cocaine? Yeah. They injected it with cocaine. And then your finger was like talking about all these cool things that you're going to do this summer. Oh, my God. It was like, oh, man. Have you ever listened to Giorgio Moroder before? And so I, yeah. So they froze it. And then he came back, and he started going to town on it.

Ew, he dug around in there? Yeah, and he was like. Ew, he said dig around? Fuck him. Well, he also said, he kept calling me man. He kept calling you man? Yeah, he's like, oh, hey, man. Let's have a look at your finger. Oh, he's like a groovy doctor.

Yeah. No. And he was, what did he, they kept, like, it was so quick. The longest I waited was after they froze it, waiting for them to come back. Because he kept saying, like, oh, there's this guy. Sorry, I have a really complicated laceration. I'm sewing up in the other room. Like he would come, he would stitch the other guy up a bit, then leave and come back and stitch.

Oh, like take breathers? I guess. Or maybe that's like a doctor challenge just to keep things interesting for himself. He's like a waitress checking on all his tables. He kept calling me hun. Yeah. Another drink? I'm not drinking anything.

But it wasn't quite frozen. And he's like, oh, what does that mean? What do you mean it's not frozen? I put a lot in there. Can you feel this? No. Can you feel this? Yeah.

That burns. That hurts. Oh, stop it. So I had to freeze me a bit more. And then. Oh no. So I had to freeze me a bit more. And then the lady just put the,

or sorry, the resident sewed me up, the medical student. She sewed it? Well, she put stitches

in. Have you ever had stitches? No. So you never snitched? How many? Exactly. What about Lilo? How many? Exactly.

What about Lilo? How many? Oh, my dad always used to say that I looked like Stitch. Yeah, you got a bit of a... No, don't! You got a bit of a Stitch vibe. That's not a nice thing to say. Yeah, he was like, you look like Stitch.

Wait, is Stitch the... A blue alien dog with three yellow teeth? I thought the girl was Stitch. No. Thank you. But yeah, then the guy, they finished up and a nurse came in and wrapped it

with, wrapped it up ridiculously. Yeah. Like, put so much gauze around the fingertip and then gauze around the whole thing that it just made, and then tied the gauze around my wrist so the whole thing just ended up looking like a big bulb on, like, if E.T.E. had, you know, a bee sting. I say it might have just been fun in you.

How many stit you? Like, eh, let's give them the hilarious. Give them the dillard. I said it looked like Popeye's dick, or how I imagine Popeye's dick. Yeah. Someone, I posted a picture. With an anchor on it. Someone,

I posted the picture and someone commented, damn farmer's daughters. Ah. That was pretty funny. Pretty good. I had three stitches. I don't get it.

Do you know those old farmer's daughter jokes? Oh boy. We told one a few weeks ago. Oh, okay. A guest told one. We would never stoop. Okay, good.

Three stitches? Three stitches, which isn't very many. I'm surprised you played field hockey and never, no stitches ever? I fucked up pitches. I didn't get stitches. Ah, yeah. You should have seen the other one. If I had any like open.

Broken bones or split lips? No, I have like a little bit of a dent in my cheek right here. That's just a dimple. From a ball. Yeah. But that's. It gave me a black eye. But that ball that hit me right there. But yeah.

Oh, fingers for sure. Like my fingers got bugged up. There's a cut here. I was cutting a mat out of my dog's ear. And I sliced. Like a welcome mat. Like. Yeah.

Like a dreadlock. Yeah. Like a dreadlock. And he moved and i sliced like see i i just told the story so you can see where that flap of skin came up but like you didn't go to you just put it back it was bleeding a ton and i just didn't want to tell my mom and so i just wrapped it up and i'm trying to think of any other severe i didn't want to tell my mom you guys are such a secretive house well we have to have then this this finger's all weird from field hockey but what looks like a normal finger it's just got a big had a big bump

on here for years or anyway so fine but but what oh i would say too another thing as a parent when i become a parent just be like if you ever murder somebody, you've got to call the cops immediately. You can't be trying to hide a body because somebody's going to chase you for years to come. But it's just like, they're going to know what you did last summer. If you and a bunch of people murdered someone, you make the deal right away. Yeah. First person gets the best deal. Second person gets the second best deal.

Yeah. Oh, if you're hauled in. I thought you meant make a deal with the group no no no i'll say we didn't do it yeah obviously hopefully it would be an accident but you can't go like moving the body around no yeah i i just watched a television show about this but which one i can't i don't want to spoiler alert anything okay but it was just one of those things where I was like, you guys, call the police. Oh. It was an accident. I just watched The Night Of. I haven't seen it yet.

It's good. There's a murder. Yeah, I wouldn't know. But my advice for my daughter would be, don't talk to cops without a lawyer. Oh, yeah, that's true. Lawyer up. And don't, you know, if it's just you and another person that accidentally killed somebody kill them no you make the no then you gotta hide two bodies oh so how many are on your hill

how get the first get the okay if you what were you gonna say no you tell the person don't let the cops play us against each other oh sure, sure. Because they don't got nothing if we both keep our mouths shut. Right? Because that's always the first mistake. What if the person gets squirrely? What if the person gets squirrely?

Wow. You gotta kill him. I wouldn't murder with a squirrely person. You really don't murder, yeah. Why? Maybe if the person's really like, if they have a big mouth,

if they are a giant person, maybe they get them to eat the dead body. Oh, sure. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Swallow it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the cop's got nothing. Graham, what's going on with you lately? Yeah, no stitches. I mean, I've had them for sure. Really? Yep. Plenty. Really? Yep. And I don't mind them. What's the biggest? This big old put my arm through a glass window.

That could have been bad. Yeah, it was bad. It was really bad. And that's your wrist. Yeah. And yeah, my hand went through the window. How many stitches? I don't remember.

In the 20s anyways. That's where people try to kill themselves. Yeah, I know. That's what people think it is, but it was glass. How many stitches? I don't remember. In the 20s anyways. That's where people try to kill themselves. Yeah, I know. That's what people think it is, but it was glass. You just got mad? No, it was an accident. I opened a glass door and my mind just went.

He was reaching for a noose. Oh, God. Yeah, and it was on the other side of this glass and I was very excited. It was actually a noose and it said break in an emergency. And he was trying to get into that. It was like, I really want to kill myself. This is an emergency. He broke the glass, but then that was part of the trip. Yeah, and he wanted, he was like, he didn't have a perfect use of the English language yet.

Yeah. And he was like, that's noose to me. Yeah, that's true. But it ended up being funny. I like that. Yeah, that's a good good story so that's what's up with me okay nothing nothing's up with me i uh a couple weeks ago this is one of my favorite things and i i i love it every time i see it loving every minute of it uh i go i to a small town to do stand-up comedy. And in this small town, they had, it was two. Usually, towns will have one or the other.

What was this small town? It was Prince George. Prince George, sure. There's a Blockbuster that is now a liquor store. But they kept the Blockbuster sign, but they just changed it to a liquor store. So it's a torn ticket stub. Wow. You think they're going to come up with something better?

Yeah, like Cockbuster. Cockbuster? Yep. Now why would that work? And what is that store? What do they sell? Well, no, it could be the liquor store. Yeah, but what is Cockbuster?

Well, because alcohol. Liquor always leads to Cockbuster. Whether it's a punch to the dick or ejaculation. Wait, do you call ejaculation cock busting? I was like, is your cock going to bust? That's what I sound like during sex. They turn it into a cartoon. And you ask, is your cock going to bust?

Golly, geezer, is your cock going to bust? Excuse me sir Is your cock going to bust Golly gee sir Is your cock going to bust Yawn And They also had a pizza hut That was now

A place you could get Your taxes done Oh cool So Oh my god He said yawn And then I did it He said yawn Yeah but that doesn did it. He said yawn.

Yeah, but that doesn't. And then it made me open my mouth. Didn't we establish the rule? No, he said yawn, so that means I'm allowed to do it. That was Dave's fault. Okay, so anyway, there was a blockbuster. Did they have a Taco Bell that was now? No, that's usually the small town will have one or the other,

like an old blockbuster that's been changed into a Curves. Sure. But now it's... Fat Busters. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. That makes sense. Muffin Top Busters.

But this town had both. It was very, it was just very exciting that two businesses had gone under that had very iconic... Oh, sure. The other one here is the Canadian Tire because it always has the V on the side. Oh. For the triangle logo. Can you say that again? It was the Blockbuster turned into a liquor store. A liquor store. And then the Pizza Hut had been turned into a place that you go to get your taxes done.

Like an accountant. H&R Block style. Why didn't they become H&R Blockbuster? Oh, you guys. Pizza. Nobody said yawn. So what's this yawn about oh god pizza hut sometimes when i do dishes i get turned on what what if i'm doing dishes i was thinking about you doing the dishes okay i just I'm standing there like hand washing. For some reason, I'll sometimes get turned on. Why? I don't know.

It's always been inexplicable to me. But this is specific to dishwashing? I got scared that it was like, oh no. I'm into being kept down. Right. Man. But that's not true. It's not true at all. Maybe you're just into dishes. Yeah.

Maybe you're just into clean things. Yeah. Maybe I just clench. Maybe I Kegel while I dish. Do you unconsciously? I don't know. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah.

I don't know. Huh. It's strange. But this is something that you're just realizing in this second? No, I've noticed it for years. I don't get that out of doing dishes. No, me neither. I like doing dishes. It's not that I'm getting pleasure out of of doing dishes. No, me neither. I like doing dishes.

It's not that I'm getting pleasure out of doing the dishes. Right. It's that I'm standing there and leaning over and maybe it's doing something. You have a lot of phallic-shaped dishes. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Washing a lot of candle holders and stuff. It's not the act of the dish.

I don't know. I do have a lot of those mugs-shaped. It's not the act of the dish. Like getting a sponge in the hole. Do you have any of those creamers that look like boobs? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you have any erotic dishware? I'm typically only washing my dildos, but I don't. Oh, yeah. You can't wash them.

You can't put them in the dishwasher. They don't tell you that. Uh. So, that was it? That was it. Prince George? Yeah, I think. That was it? That was it. Yeah, I think.

That was your show. Also, I found out that I get turned on by washing dishes. Wait a minute. Oh, and or here's a crazy one. I get turned on washing a car when I'm wearing short shorts and a halter top. What's that about? I get turned on washing a car when you're wearing. Hey, Graham.

Yeah. Who are your favorite instrumental artists? Like, John Tesh or Yanni? Will that work? It didn't work. It's only a matter of time. Anyways. Yanni-ways.

There it is. You said it. She did it. Do you want to move on to a bit of business? Sure. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day.

You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got to do some more. Take care of business. Hello. It's a time for some business, everybody. Did you know, Graham?

What? You don't wear glasses. No, no, no. You got perfect vision. 2040. And you're a vision. Yeah, yeah. And a visionary.

I'm the one who came up with the iPad. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. You get paid for that? No, no, no. Oh, great. No, it's like the guy who came up with the polio vaccine. I didn't register the trademark.

I wanted everybody to have iPads for free. Oh, and now we all do. Yes. Your Johnny iPad seed. Did you know that Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported in part by Warby Parker, a new concept in eyewear? Yes. They tell you that. It's been around for a few years.

I've had my Warby Parkers, I'd say, for five years. Would you say you're an early adopter of the Warby Parker lifestyle? Yeah, maybe. These are contemporary eyeglasses that are extremely affordable and fashion forward and, by the way, have at least five years of durability. Now, these are prescription glasses that start at 95 dollars which is very cheap for glasses yeah i'm assuming yes glasses are what they do is you go to a glasses store yeah and they say uh yeah can i have your firstborn child please yeah you go to uh yeah is a rumplestiltskin making your glasses?

Yeah. In this scenario? Is that what Rumpelstiltskin wanted? Firstborn child? What did Rumpelstiltskin want? Huh. Siri. I never saw that Mel Gibson movie, What Rumpelstiltskin Wants.

Sorry, Helen Hunt as Rumpelstiltskin. She got typecast. Here's what Warby Parker offers you. Polarized, scratch resistant, 100% UV protected sunglasses starting at $95 or $170, depending on the thing with prescription. Now, if you live in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, there is a brick and mortar retail location of Warby Parker. You can go in there like a LensCrafters. Yeah, but without the LensCrafters Rumpelstiltskin prices.

Warby Parker has this home try-on program in the States. You order five pairs of glasses. They ship them to you for free. You try them on. You look at yourself in the mirror. You post a selfie. You say, hey, hashtag Warby Parker thing. What do you think about my warbs? Yeah, you put on Walking on Sunshine mirror you post a selfie you say hey hashtag warby parker think what do you think about my warbs yeah you put on walking on sunshine or what's a good glass

that's more for trying on different pairs of shoes oh it would be a good staring at sunshine by katrina and the waves um and they uh yeah and then you can mail back all the glasses and pick the the ones you want and you don't pay for any of them except the one that you have a prescription put in. But what I will say is this program is not offered in Canada. No, you can't. If you're in Canada, you're either going to have to just trust the way they look on the site, or you could go to the Toronto brick brick and mortar store yeah but you know your shape of face you should know what type of glass there's also a thing on the website where

you can put your picture in and it shows what you look like with the glasses on can you put in a nude yeah i guess so nice just as long as you drag the dots to where your your nose is, quote unquote. Hello, professor. And also, in Canada, the prices are slightly increased. And we don't have access to gift cards. But, look, a lot of our listeners aren't in Canada. Yeah. They make it known to us. A lot of people down in the United States of America.

So, here's a special offer for you. You go to warbyparker.com slash SPY, lowercase, to order your free home try-ons today. Choose the five frames you'd like to try on, mail the frames back, choose your favorite pair to have your prescription added, and order. Warby Parker makes your experience completely risk-free with free shipping all around. That's pretty great. Mm-hmm. Visit warbyparker.com slash spy, all lowercase, to begin your free home try-on experience today.

Do it now. Also this week, we have a Jumbotron. It's an embarrassment of trons we have this week. Now, this week we are sponsored by a podcast called Mouthfeels. Yeah. If you search for Mouthfeels wherever you get podcasts and subscribe. That's a thing you can do for sure. So what is Mouthfeels?

Here's what it is. I listened to a few episodes. Yeah. A lot of fun. Yeah. They're a lot of fun. They're improvised comedy and music with a heavy amount of editing. It's not just Jagoffs talking for 90 minutes. Yeah. There are a lot of fun. They're improvised comedy and music, uh, with a heavy amount of editing. It's not just jag offs talking for 90 minutes.

Yeah. Some podcast. Some, yeah. It's like 10 to 20 minutes. And so they're very digestible and. Oh, I like that. Yeah. You can listen to a bunch or just one on your commute.

Um, it's called mouthfeels and they're,els and they're like, they have these sort of fake phone-ins. So it's a fake radio call-in show? Yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's a good format that's good for improv. Because then you're just yakety-yacking. No talkback. Mouthfeels.

On the internet. Graham. Yep. Overheard Oh absolutely From the dawn of time One podcast has unlocked the secrets of science and technology To enrich the lives of billions And now after a year where they've unlocked the golden age of knowledge They're about to hit warp speed and go stratospheric Wait hold up

On Oh No Ross and Carrie, we don't make extraordinary claims. We investigate them. We go undercover with fringe religious groups, investigate paranormal claims, and we participate in pseudoscientific medical treatments and then report our findings to you. And yes, we've even investigated

Scientology. Shrash. New episodes every month at MaximumFun.org. Oh no, Ross and Carrie. They show up so you don't have to. Comedy, friendship, and creativity. All of this and more wait for you at MaxFunCon. Join us for MaxFunCon in Lake Arrowhead next June

or MaxFunCon East in the Poconos next September. Tickets for both events are on sale now, but they're going fast. Visit MaxFunCon.com to buy your tickets right now. Overheard. Overheard's segment, which we overhear things

Graham, shut up it's time for my favorite segment on the show making Bethion celebrity birthday oh yeah whose birthday is it

we're recording this on December 2nd whose birthday is it the day after my birthday yeah happy birthday Dave thanks um and

this celebrity birthday is it's only celebrities who I care about so today it's a guy who played Bulldog on Frasier is 62. Oh, okay.

Happy birthday. Bulldog. Bulldog. Bulldog Brown. The director of Wayne's World, Penelope Spheeris, 71. Oh, Penelope directed Wayne's World? Yeah. Love that.

Yeah. Love hearing that. The goalie who had all those stitches on his face on his mask jerry cheevers yeah 76 ah 76 years ago and uh happy birthday to actress renee sofer the woman who played uh the new york visitor center lady on the episode of seinfeld where george gets the arkansas guy's luggage and starts wearing tourist clothes. Oh, happy birthday to her. And Britney Spears. Oh, happy birthday, Britney

Spears. It's Britney's birthday? It's Britney's birthday, bitch. Overheards. What's that? A segment in which we hear things out there in the world. Happy 38th birthday to Nelly Furtado. A segment in which we hear things out there in the world. She's not 30.

38. Okay. Yeah. We report them back here on the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest. Beth, you are mid-gulp. Will you lead the charge? Yeah.

In the overheard. Uh-oh. That last, I tried to make a joke out of the gulp, but now it might be a burp. That's fine. It's okay. We've heard every noise joke out of the goal, but now it might be a burp. That's fine. It's okay. We've heard every noise come out of your mouth. Okay. More sound effects.

Is Michael Winslow here? What is that? I don't know. Okay. Now do a door opening. That was good. Now you're going down some cellar stairs Wind tap shoes

Oh no, it's windy outside Oh no, this bit won't end A jizz which is uh sorry i made it dirty don't worry about fine now i heard this little kid talking to his other friend and he said they were walking by me and he said if you're if you're mad at the ground, don't worry, you're hurting it just by walking. That's pretty good.

Yeah. The ground doesn't like that you're walking all over it. I was like, oh my God. It's a future serial killer. Well, he's only hurting the ground. Don't worry, if you're mad at the ground,

you're hurting it just by walking and then start stomping. Although I guess it is sort of a, like, he probably has anger issues if he's considering. Yeah,

what kid's mad at the ground? Sure, the sky. I can see being mad at the sky. Yeah, but you don't know, one of his relatives

could have been killed by the ground. Kind of old, old hat to be mad at the sky, shaking your fist at the sky. Of course.

He's a, he's a, he's a he oh yeah he's new age generation yeah I mean some like if you're doing a flip I learned that from the balance beam that's the only time I thought that I could have been really hurt was doing a back walk over and maybe it was a car wheel and I landed right on it in between my legs. But they worked that into a move. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, now, yeah, the swingy leg. But this was an accident and I was convinced I got my period immediately. I was like, oh, this is how you get your period. Just blunt trauma to your crotch. Blunt trauma. Yeah. It hurts so bad. One of the top your crotch. Blunt trauma. Yeah. It hurts so bad. One of the top ways

to murder. Blunt trauma. Coming in at number three. Blunt trauma. I mean, if you're a murderer, maybe try some subtle trauma.

Yes. Every time. Pint around it. Don't just come right out and say it. Two light slams every now and then. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Mine is, I was in line going into a club. Yeah, right. I was showing my ID. There were two guys ahead of us. We were going to a rock concert. And the bouncer checking ids was involved in their conversation and the guy had hadn't brought cash and uh the bouncer said oh yeah always bring cash man and the guy just started laughing and he was australian the guy in line in

front of me just started laughing and saying to friend, did you hear what he just said? Always bring cash, man. And his friend's not laughing at all. And this Australian guy's like, oh, whoa, that could be a skit. It's so funny. And the guy's like, yeah, I get it, but it's not funny.

And then the Australian guy says to the bouncer, my name is Cashman. You always bring Cashman. And everyone was like, no. No. I'm afraid not. I mean, it's not the worst, but I mean, I don't think it could be a skit.

But also. That guy is assuming everybody would know who he is. Yeah. And also, he's never heard those two words together in his life. Yeah, cash man. He would from your doctor calling you a cash man. You know, just to make it about me really quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was, sometimes if I have clothes I don't want or don't wear, they give me bad vibes, they take them over to this crossroads trading, and I saw them, and they offer me either money to the store, credit for the store to shop, or cash. And your last name's store credit. No. But I remember now. Okay.

It wasn't that long of a story. In fairness, she didn't yawn. She fell asleep. Yeah, I fell asleep. There were two baths. Either way, I just checked in. And then right away, she's like, Beth? And I was like, oh, that's me.

She's like, oh, you know what? There was somebody here who's been waiting forever. And I was like, fine, I'll wait. But Beth? Calling. Right. Beth? Selling?

And then I go, no, that is me. She's like, what? I was like, we're looking for the Beth selling. Who's selling? I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, but his name is Beth Selling. Then she was like, wait, what? We're looking for the Beth Selling. Who's Selling? I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, but his name is Beth Selling. Then she was like, wait, what is your last name? Which further proves that I don't know his name. That is pretty good.

That could be a scam. I was like, my name is Beth Selling. I just showed you my ID. Anyways, the point is, I wasn't laughing at all. That makes three of us. I wasn't laughing. I'm just saying, like, yes, that stuff happens, but that mine's even more interesting. Yeah, you know, absolutely.

I think on that we could all agree that yours was far more interesting. Beth is. Beth selling. No, that is me me and she's like no no no beth is selling clothes who wants to sell clothes who's here before my name is beth and i'm also and then i was like who we're in hollywood who here wants to make a sketch about this if only we were in new york city somebody like, I work at the now defunct Mad TV. Are they defunct again?

Well, I don't know. Were they refunct? It's back on the CW. I only watch the superhero shows. Yeah, I only get weekly variety. It's back on the CW. I'm sorry about everything. But here's the thing.

Cash, man. I guess I'm feeling like sorry for him like i'm feeling like i understand him a little bit better now after i said mine out loud yeah that you're like why aren't people more excited about this but here's the truth i didn't expect that to go like it wasn't a bit no i just needed to tell you that something similar happened to me but i didn't think it could be a sketch. No, no. It can't even be a podcast story. Partway through, you kind of thought it might be a sketch.

No, partway through, I was just like, I just wanted to tell you that something like that's happened to me. But I never thought it could be a sketch. I'm sorry. I know this is important, but I got to interrupt. Happy birthday to Lucy Liu. Oh. 48 today. Happy birthday, Lucy.

She looks great. She does. She's a modern day Oh. 48 today. Happy birthday, Lucy. She looks great. She does. She's a modern day Watson. 48, great. Graham? Yes. What's up with you? Do you have an overheard?

I do. I was eating at a sandwich place. You love it. And there was a guy that came in. I guess he knew the owner from many, many years ago. As soon as he walked in, she was like, I haven't, you haven't been in here in years. And he was like, yeah, it's been years. And then the very next thing he said, how's your son?

And she goes, he's dead. For real. So like the first question, not how are you? How's business? Goes right to the one sensitive the most sensitive i but you know what she shook she shook it off she's just like it's nice to see you oh what would you like god how i mean she's like beth selling beth sorry i'm beth smelling Beth selling. Beth. Beth. Sorry. Beth smelling. I'm so sorry about everything. We got to cut that part out. That part was great.

Yeah. My name's Beth and I can smell. I'm here. It's telling, but I am also selling. You guys get it. Yeah. You were at a perfume store. I'm going to let it go, but it was so upsetting to tell that.

Yeah, I can tell. You're very upset now. It's like, it also was an extra bummer because I feel like I just bombed, you know, but I wasn't even trying to be funny. You know, it was just,

You say that now, now that you bombed. No, I'm serious. It's not a funny story. I was trying to prove to Cashman that it can't be funny. According to your, a name mix up. According to your business card here, you were trying to prove to Cashman that it can't be funny. A name mix-up.

According to your business card here, you were trying to be funny. I'm not a comedian, I swear. You're doing the splits on this business card. It feels hard because Dave looks like Jimmy Kimmel. It's all of a sudden stressful.

And you've been washing a dish this whole time. Yeah, I'm slowly sliding out of my seat. That's true. Yeah, right now, visually, what are you seeing? Just kind of a microphone in the head? I see a cup of coffee, a microphone, and some headphones on there. Sorry. Oh, how's your son?

Oh, he's dead. Oh, my God. My son, Don Cashman? He's dead. He he dead. Oh my God. I'm so. My son, Don Cashman. He's dead. He's dead. I thought that. My son, Rod Debit Machine. I thought he was going to say, I haven't been back in a while because last time I was here, he gave me food poisoning.

Yeah. I thought. Or like, fuck my wife or something. But dad. I haven't been back in your restaurant shop because you fucked my wife. But I got to admit, you make a hell of a sandwich. Yeah. Your pastrami on rye.

Can't keep me away. Now we also have overheard sent in to us from people round the horn. Could I get a footlong like you gave my wife? No, I like that one. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximum fun dot org. This first one

comes from Bo in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Bo, eh? I was on the children's floor of the library where upper middle class white people like to hang out with their kids and say horrible things like, Why can't you hold your head up? The other babies can.

Stop. But today, this conversation happened. Lady with baby. How old is your baby? Man with baby. He's 13 months. Awkward pause. Man with baby.

And you would not believe how many Wu-Tang related hashtags I have already used when I post about him. So this is the 13 chambers? Is that a thing? I don't know. 13 months? I guess. I don't know. I don't know the Wu-Tang clan enough.

Maybe he just likes posting things about Wu-Tang Clan when he's describing his baby I thought we were about to go into a oh you mean a year and a month what is that? I don't know you've lost me everybody's gonna notice like

a big difference in me in the second part after the break because you're not yawning anymore? I did a bad job not true not true um okay let's is there more yeah yeah this next one i'm so sorry is that me yeah no Brat. That's Sally, America's brat. No, it's not. I've had a... I'll make it up.

You'll make it up in the third half, in the third quarter? And then I checked my phone. Yeah, it's fine. We're loving this. Yeah. Why? Don't give me the pouty look. I'll sit up.

But I am so comfortable. Well, then just stay there. I don't care if you sit up, but do shut up. He means that. He means that. No, he doesn't. This next one comes from Daniel C. Parts unknown.

Don't know where he's from. Manual C. Parts unknown. Don't know where he's from. While in line at a show, this girl, describing her least favorite part of her grocery clerk job, says, it's kind of like that sensation when you hit your elbow and you have to pee. Which, that's not a sensation. Have you ever had that?

Have you? You? She gets a lot of weird sensations. Oh, don't really shut up. Oh, no. Oh, no. Beth, come back to us. Oh, no. We miss you.

No. Beth has been martyred. You have to beg me to come back. That's the only. Okay. It was kind of like me saying, this just turned me on. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I feel like. Just for the proving, women are. Complicated. Cool. Complicated creatures. Mm for the proving women are. Complicated. Cool. Complicated creatures. Mm-hmm.

Have you, I mean, the closest thing I could think of to hitting your elbow and having to pee is when someone puts your hand in warm water, apparently. Yeah, they say that. They say that. It's never worked for me. And I do it all the time. I wake up in the morning. I put my hand in a cup of warm water.

You do it while you're asleep. Why? I don't, I can't do it myself. It only gets me when I'm awake. So if I'm getting my nails painted and they put it in the hot. And you're like, uh-oh. So I wear a diaper to get my nails done. You have beautiful nails.

He's just trying to make up for some. No way. Wait, who's the bad guy here? Me or you? Yeah, how did he? I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy. Wait, who's the bad guy here? Me or you? Yeah, how did he? I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy. No, Beth.

I am. Good Beth. The reason my phone was on is because I don't have service, and I didn't think it would bother us. But then you made the mistake of giving me the Wi-Fi. Oh, no. See, she's gaslighting you. Dave, is that what gaslighting is?

No. Okay. This last one comes from Ian in Issaquah, Washington. Hi, Ian. My wife, daughter,

and I were at a Japanese tea garden at the Seattle Arbitorium Arboretum. I love you. Arbitorium. Arbitorium. I love you. On Mother's Day. Arboretum. I love you. Arboretum. Arboretum.

I love you. On Mother's Day. Arboretum. Yep. Oh, I miss Beth. Lots of artsy types walking around, including a 10-year-old girl wearing a fedora. You do not see a lot of 10-year-olds wearing fedoras. Did you say Nazi?

No. He did. I did not. I didn't catch any of the context around her conversation with her dad, but as they walked past, I did hear her say, actually, I bet Batman strangles people all the time. Sure. Yeah. He doesn't have a code about strangling people.

Yeah. He's no guns. Is that his thing? I think he does that when he's trying to get- Oh, yeah. He'll hang someone off a bridge. I bet. He'll say. Yeah. He's no guns. Is that his thing? I think he does that when he's trying to get someone to say something he wants. Oh yeah, he'll hang someone off a bridge.

I'm Batman, he'll say. He holds people off a bridge by their neck. He's fine with strangling. And we don't see all the footage. It's true. Yeah, that's true.

Well. We just see the stuff that makes it into the movie. I would like to see a Batman reality show. Oh yeah, where you follow him. Being Batman.

Yeah, he goes to Taco Bell and it's really, you know, it's the boring stuff. Sure. We only see him at night. What does he do during the day? Keeping up with the Waynes. I mean, Batman. He would never go to Taco Bell. How do you know?

Unless he wanted diarrhea. Maybe he does. Maybe he needs it. To feel something. Yeah, to solve a case. Sure. He has to get inside the head of somebody who also had diarrhea. There's no way that he eats Taco Bell.

How can you be sure? Beth, how can you be sure? Oh, no, she fell asleep. Oh, the Doritos one? The Doritos Locos? Mm-hmm. No one can resist those. No!

They're great for rich, for poor. Maybe he's on a road trip. Wait, what? Doritos Locos. Those tacos that were made out of Doritos? They're made out of a Dorito chip? Never had one. Wow.

What are you? Maybe you're Batman. I used to eat a lot of Taco Bell as kids, but. Now that you're an adult, it's all. Because it was cheap. It's all hot fresh. And honestly, I think it was more food. Right.

It was more like actual food. Now it's not. Now it's just like. I think it's fake stuff. Slop in a thing. Yeah was more like actual food. Now it's not. Now it's just like. I think it's fake stuff. Slop in a thing. Yeah, I think it is. Because it used to be ground beef.

Yeah. And now I don't know what it, I don't know that it is. And now you see cookie dough. I think it's sawdust and poop chips.

Chips. Chips. Yeah. I think it's chili. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept

your phone calls. If you want to call us with an overheard, our phone number is 1-844-SPY-POD1. That's 1-UGH-SPYPOD1. What? Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. It's Patrick Foy in Omaha. I was on call with tech support for my company and tech support goes through India

and tech support companies in India will sometimes have people just use American names to make us feel more comfortable, I guess. And when the guy picked up, he said, hello, say name Charles. He then paused and said, excuse me. Hi, my name is Charles. Say name Charles. Oh, he just got confused. He was just on autopilot, this poor guy. He said they use American names. What are the most American names?

Buzz. Okay, I just got it. Sorry. Buzz. Lightyear. Woody. Yeah, Woody. Potato Head. Yeah, Woody. Potato Head.

Springy Dog. Piggy Bacon. Andy. Piggy Bacon. Yeah. What's that guy's name? What's the pig? I don't know.

Well, now that I have Wi-Fi, I could look it up. Jeez. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Devin Graham Graham This is Katie in Ohio Calling in with an overheard This place at a local charity auction With all the money going to A couple of different local charities

So there's a lot of, you know, local Big wigs, I guess you call them around But There was a guy there with his son his son was probably about four or five uh auctioning off a basket of local sports merchandise uh and the dad says to the son okay son we're gonna bid on this one so just keep keep putting up the paddle until uh until i tell you to stop so the bidding bidding starts. Kid puts up the paddle. He takes the bed. Someone across the room puts up the paddle,

takes that bed. The son goes to put his dad's paddle up again, and the dad puts his hand on his shoulder and says, No, son. You can't outbid the mayor. Oh, no. Yeah, that's right, because then all of a sudden,

no parking sign appears in front of your house. Garbage trucks piling up. And your wig turns into a little wig. Yeah, because the mayor couldn't get that sports paraphernalia or whatever. Big wig took it. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I wouldn't. Oh, boy.

Why can't you outbid the mayor? Because you can't fight City Hall. Yeah. Haven't you ever heard that? There's one person who can fight City Hall. Batman. You knew it. Strangling. The mayor's just going to start, you know, like a highway going to go through your neighborhood now.

I think it should have pushed him a little bit. Uh-uh. No? This is Trump's America. I think he could have upped it. So then the mayor had to pay more. Oh, yeah. And then the next thing. But then your taxes go up because the mayor have upped it. So then the mayor had to pay more. Oh, yeah. And then the next thing.

But then your taxes go up because the mayor can't afford it. Uh-oh. Then the mayor just gets everything. That's not fair. Mayors? Yeah. That's how it goes. That's why we voted for him.

Yeah. Because he's our prince. Mayor Goldie Wilson. Katie, where are you? I bet Katie's in Cincinnati. Oh, okay. So he was probably bidding on like a Chris Sabo's goggles. Yeah.

We're going to play the final phone call. I don't want to leave. Maybe ever. Hey, stop podcasting yourself. Dave, Graham, guest, whomever that may be. This is Adam the Bumper from New Hampshire with another Overheard for you. Another? A couple weeks ago, my wife and I went to a local college hockey game.

We were sitting in the student section, at least for the first period, and this group of students came in and sat in the row in front of us, and one of the girls turned around to one of the guys who was sitting in our row, apparently recognized her from a previous interaction they'd had and said, Do you remember me? We talked about calzones. And the guy, you know, said he didn't know who she was, and she's like,

We talked about calzones like two times. I mean, one time I'm sure you can forget, but I can remember everybody I talked calzones with. Now does she consider that a third time talking about calzones? Yeah. We talked about calzones.

What do you think of a calzone? Mmm. Yup. Yeah. I agree with Graham. And you know what? It's like, you can pick it up, take it wherever you want. Yeah, sure.

The only hard part is if it's greasy on the inside. You're taking a bite, you're dealing with maybe a drip. Yeah. Oh, of course you are. Yeah. You have to eat it in the bathtub. Yeah. No, because then it gets the water.

Oh, empty bathtub. A filmy lake. No, no, no. Yeah, no, Dave's right. There's nothing more romantic than eating a calzone in the bathtub. Yeah, just light some candles. Yeah. Calzone.

Read a book. You can make your own. New Yorkers make their own calzone all the time. Yeah, just light some candles. Yeah. Calzone. Read a book. You can make your own, New Yorkers make their own calzone all the time, just they fold that pizza. Yeah. And then away you go. Yeah,

that's the way to eat it. That's what New Yorkers do. DIY calzone. It's what we New Yorkers do. Mm-hmm. We're walking here. We're folding here. Yes.

Did you watch Colin Quinn's new Netflix special? No. It's great. Yeah? Speaking of New Yorkers, yes.

It's all about New York? It goes by, the cool thing is it just goes by like that. Like in a New York minute kind of thing? It's like a New York minute. But you fast forwarded

through it that way? No, no, no. Just the part where he takes off his clothes and then I, that's. Then you're like, hold on a second,

I've got to fill up my dishes, do some dishes. Here we go, Colin. Gotta clean these saucers. Well, that brings us to the end of the podcast. I'm not ready to leave. Are you? Are you sure?

You're welcome to stay, but we're gonna stop recording. Yeah, you can curl up on a couch, have a snooze. Ooh, I love a snooze. Yeah. Take a little snooze. Hit that snooze button. Real nice. Maybe do a little bit of snooze.

Is that the tobacco in your lip? I can't. Now is the time to make all your plugs. Where can people find you on the internet? The cool thing was there were a lot of your listeners were in New Hampshire. We're mostly in new hampshire yeah it's interesting because i was thinking i was getting the the canadian oh yeah love there is some i love i love coming to canada i haven't been everywhere i could but i like it here but you could i'm gonna come back more okay when you

come back will you come back on the be a guest again on the podcast? Yes. Why not, right? Yeah, but I will. I'll be better. You were great. Sorry, Dave. Look, I know we're the Canadians here, but you are apologizing too much. Dave is so hard to please. That's true.

Yeah. But at the same time, brings the best out in you. Yeah, that's true. Okay. I'm like Bella Caroli. That's a gymnastics reference you'll get. Yes, you are. Okay. Yeah. I don't know.'ll get. Yes, you are. Okay.

Yeah. I don't know. I guess maybe find me on Twitter. Okay. At Beth Stelling. Or my website. So you're selling something? Yeah, yeah.

No, no. People write to Beth, say, what are you selling? Yeah. And that'll be fun. That'll be fun. You can go to sweetbeth.com and write me. Or I guess on Twitter. That's the name of your album?

Ew, I hate that album. Okay, don't. My last album. Whatever you do, don't download her last album. Don I guess on Twitter. That's the name of your album? Ew, I hate that album. Okay, don't. My last album. Whatever you do, don't download your last album. Don't download that one. But my most recent one is Simply the Beth.

There's any number of wordplay you could do. I put that out last year. Simply the Beth. Beth before date. Beth and show. Crystal Beth. Crystal Beth.

She's heard them all Beth Not Even Once Beth Metal Huh? Beth Metal Oh yeah These are great Beth Not Even Once Yeah

That's maybe Is that a Canadian? Ad for Don't try meth Ad against meth Yeah Not even once Yeah you shouldn't

Nah you should do it once. No. See what you're missing out on. It looks like so much fun. Like, oh. No, it doesn't. Guys, no. Haven't you ever seen Breaking Bad?

It looks fun. It's worth it. It looks worth it. I've actually only seen the finale of Breaking Bad. You're like, well, that's all you got to see. I felt like I got it all. You should watch it backwards. We're tied up.

That's what I'm going to start doing is watching these big epic shows. I just watched the last episode. This is what everybody's ramping up for anyways. I'm serious. I think I know everything that I needed to know about it. Did you go to like a party? No. We're all watching the finale.

I was actually nannying in New Jersey. Oh, yeah? Yeah. And it just happened to be on. I was like, okay, I'll watch it. Yeah, why not? I'll give this a try. Hey, kids, gather around.

We're watching it. Well, they were out of town. So you were nannying for nobody. Real easy nannying. Yeah. I'm nannying right now. I got the weekend. Well, thank you for being our guest.

I thank you for having me. But we also thank you. Yeah. But we also thank you. So that goes both ways. Wonderful podcast. Did I talk too much? That's all we do. We'll do notes

afterwards. Okay. Yeah. Graham. Yeah. You and I have a few things to plug. We have live stop

podcasting yourselves in Chicago. Yeah. In February. In Vancouver, February 23rd. and in Banff, Alberta, March 4th. So that'll be fun. Yeah.

If you like the podcast, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap. There's pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Gymnastic. Biff from Back to the Future. What is it? Jerry's Donuts? Who's the guy?

Stan the Donut Man. Stan the Donut Man. Et cetera. Yeah. And if you like the show, please leave a review in the iTunes store or tell your friends. Oh, or we never plug this.

There's a subreddit, the Maximum Fun subreddit you can comment. Oh, yeah. There's a Facebook group. Wow. We got it all. When are you in Chicago? February 11th as part of the very, very fun day of podcasting. When are you there?

January 15th. You know what? Set a nice stage for us. I will. You know what? I'll tell them you're coming. stage for us. I will. You know what? I'll tell them you're coming. Bring a coat. I will.

I will. Cool. And thank you all of you out there for listening. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Bye. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.