Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 458 - Chris Wilson

Episode Date: December 26, 2016

Comedian Chris Wilson returns to talk about staying up all night, needle retention, and snow.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 458 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who looks good in tan, Mr. Dave Shumka. I feel like you've said that before. Yeah, but whenever you wear it, it's true again.

I'm a real beige bro. A real beige baby. Oh yeah, beige baby. That's a cool cool how would you do that in a license plate oh yeah because you couldn't put big because then it'd be big baby no you couldn't do b-a-j badge baby you could i guess you could well baby is just gonna be bb right maybe b-g-e-b-b-y that beige baby you can just do bb think, for babies and save yourself a... Oh, save yourself a character. It's okay.

Let's really hammer this up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. B-E-G-E. No, B-E-I-G. Yeah, maybe B-E-I-G. Can you do six or seven? I don't know. I don't know.

I think you might be able to do seven. I remember once watching Jeopardy! Uh-huh. And the guy... You know how they do that interview in between? Yeah. Talking in between questions? And the guy was very proud. This is, I think it was only on one day, and this was the one fact he gave.

When California went to seven digits on their vanity plates. Yeah. He got right in there and he got Dracula. Pretty good. So, B-E-I-G-E-B-B. Yeah. And our guest today, who's a real beige baby. Yeah.

He is one half of the sketch duo, Peter and Chris. And he used to live here in Vancouver, now makes his home in Toronto. It's true. Back in town. Mm-hmm. Our guest on our Boxing Day special extravaganza episode of the podcast. Mm-hmm. Mr. Chris Wilson.

Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. This is fun, right? Back for Christmas. Yeah. Really early. Yeah, you're, yeah, really early. Like, you're doing almost like a month in town for Christmas.

Well, I had. Let's get to know it. Okay, sure. Go. I had a show with Peter on Friday and Saturday and. How'd it go? They went very well. Okay.

They were great. It was a Christmas themed show called the Peter and Christmas Carol. Pretty good. Perfect title. Yeah, yeah, well. Okay. They were great. It was a Christmas-themed show called The Peter and Christmas Carol. Pretty good. It was a perfect title. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. How do we think of it? Yeah.

Well, if we point Peter a little second, then it's not going to work. And now I'm just stuck here because plane tickets are expensive. There's no point in going back to Toronto. Right. What's the point of going back to Toronto? Is your family here? Yeah. I grew up in Victoria.

Oh, okay. You go there for Christmas? Yep. Gonna catch up on my shows. Now, I'm gonna apologize to our listeners. Obviously, this week's episode was recorded before Christmas. Oh, sure. Because it's the day after Christmas.

Yeah, yeah. But I think the next four will be all recorded before Christmas. So, get used to, you know you know dipping back going back to the well living that christmas spirit well into the new year because some of us are having a baby in the first half of january at some point it's me thanks for accommodating me hey no problems so we're we're loading up um what does christmas mean to you ah presents and giving and presents and getting presents and having presents given to you. Have you ever done Christmas away from your family?

I've never done that. I feel like I'd break my mother's heart. Yeah, right? What you need is you need to get your own family out there. Yeah, and then you don't have to. And then you don't have to never leave. Yeah. Do you have any new year's resolutions?

See, this is how I moved it forward into the week after. What did Martin Luther King mean to you? Really great, man. Um, new year's resolutions. I don't know. Have you ever done new year's resolutions? I always try and say that I'll not be late anymore. Okay.

I'm just, I am so bad. I'm a chronic. Always? Chronic late-sman. Like, since you're, when do you first have to be on time? I guess when you're in school. Yeah. I guess that's when it kicks in.

I remember running to school in, like, grade five. Like, being, just running down the street late oh yeah yeah yeah well you you were late in school not all the time but like i remember just you you got the wrong bus like you missed the bus that was gonna get you there on time and then what do you do you're arriving as the bells ringing yeah you're at the corner at the time to just see the bus fly by um oh that's all right okay i've always been a piece of shit in the morning i suck at mornings so you wake up and you're like discombobulated and i've always like gone and had a shower and then gone back to bed after my shower well i put in some good time in the shower time to nap it off have shower naps too just

wasteful stuff like when you go back to bed after shower is this you've put on clothes and you're hopping into bed or towel off okay i sit on my bed and i just kind of stare at the wall and think about how I got into this position. Do you ever do that? Sit on the side of my bed and stare at the wall? No, go back to bed after a shower. No, no, no. No, because, you know, once I feel like once I've done the shower, like I'm awake.

Right. Yeah. I've just sprayed water in my face. I did it every day. I did it every day. And I would. My brother used to do it too. I realized

that I'm not good at drying my back because I would dry my hair yeah sure towel off wrap myself in a towel go back to bed

lie down and get up from my bed and there's just like dots of moisture all over the bed it's not a good sleep after oh I don't go back to sleep I never go back to sleep

well I doze I'm a do to sleep. Well, I doze. I'm a dozer. You would doze. And then would you wake up and would you be like, what the hell's going on? Yeah, when I was younger and still doing this, and I still do this behavior to this day, my mom would come into the room and be like, what the hell are you doing? Get up. Get dressed.

Go to school. Yeah, go to school yeah go to school learn graduate leave the house my family we always ate dinner together yeah and uh like we we loved each other we tolerated each other and like we were a family like a unit i don't think we ever had breakfast together like you see it on TV. You see it in movies, too. Somebody's throwing pancakes and the kid's catching it. Yeah, yeah. I don't have breakfast with my brother because we were obviously on the same go-to-school schedule.

Right. But if dad was there, it was like just by happenstance that he was not taking off to work. Because he would be out of the house. Mm-hmm. Right? He'd be. He'd go to work around 8. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were 8.30, get out of the house, people. I, yeah, long gone. Long gone by the time we're up to go to school. And then I don't even think really eating breakfast was a big you know i think i drank a lot of instant breakfast you're gonna love it in an instant yeah yeah it's just you mixed it with milk and it's just basically chocolate milk and then that would sustain you oh yeah cocoa puffs did you get when you were a kid you got cocoa puffs we were allowed those ones like every so often yeah where how like my mom drew the lines that uh i have a born brother

older sister half sister grew up in calgary right family a divorce of that one so she never lived with us okay yeah so she didn't get any cocoa puffs so you so you had one brother one real brother one real younger or younger okay then one fictional sister older sister that was added in in the seventh season that was like how do we spice up this you had a sister the whole time and you and your brother would mount out on coke coke puffs frosted flakes sure fruit loops And then Corn Pops. We were allowed those, but then for some reason. Gotta have them. We had to have our pops.

How good was the cereal situation post your parents' divorce? It must have went through the roof. Well, my parents were always together. Oh, I see. My sister's from a divorced marriage. So you got all the sister, none of the cereal. Yeah. None of the benefits, none of the cereal. Yeah. None of the benefit, none of the fun McDonald's trips or whatever.

So your mother was sort of a cereal mom. I was the youngest of four and I remain that to this day. Well, you know what? You never know. That could change. But when I was a kid It was all Cheerios and Rice Krispies You would put tons of sugar on top

Brown sugar all over those things And then as kids moved out And I became the sole child You became a sole child? Yeah I wore a jerry curl Oh cool And I became more of a uh count chocula family oh yeah

because they were like just there's only one of them just let them eat whatever you want sure it's gross it is like for i think it was like maybe last year we were like let's go and buy all this cereal that we were never allowed and have a party about it. But it sounds like you were allowed a cereal party. And you had like everybody came over and just ate cereal? Yeah. Oh, boy. I don't know where my mom drew the line.

It's like, yeah, I could have all the Froot Loops, Corn Pops, but it was like the one Lucky Charms with the marshmallows? No. No. You're not allowed marshmallows in your cereal. So she made up a lie. Yeah. Just arbitrarily. That is a pretty ridiculous.

She wasn't looking at the nutrition facts. What are the most. Fruity pebbles, not allowed. Fruit loops, fine. They're shaped like Cheerios. Yeah. And one is actually called fruit, and the other one is just fruity.

But the fruit in Fruit Loops is misspelled. That's probably the legal thing that they're like, you're not allowed to put fruit on this box of whatever this is. Molotov. Yeah. Yeah. What is the what's the worst one? Is that what you were thinking well i mean the worst sort of like because adding a uh adding marshmallows to like a whole grain cereal or whatever is is yeah pretty off the wall i have they is there anything that has like you know it's uh just got i can't think of what

what would even be like just like snickers bars, this one's got pretzels in it. Yeah, like I feel like when I was a kid, the most extreme one was the cookie crisp because it was just cookies that you then put milk on and just ate a bowl of cookies. And there was no pretense there that there was any kind of cereal. Like it was just, it was mostly, it should have been in the cookie aisle, but somehow it had, like,

made some sort of designation. And they were weirdly, like, shellacked, so they didn't let the milk penetrate right away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, that one, I think, is like, I don't know how that got past. Whoever it gets past.

They're small cookies. It's healthy. They're tiny. They're tiny cookies. It's healthy. They're tiny. Tiny cookies. Just little cookies. Do you still eat cereal? I'm going to Google what the worst recurring day cereal is. I've kind of almost fallen out of breakfast entirely.

Oh, no. What do you say? What do you start with a lunch? Coffee. Okay. Just so much coffee. How many coffees are we drinking in a day? Then a big pee and then lunch.

And that's your day. Yeah. I don't know. I don't get hungry in the morning anymore. No. And like sometimes my first meal is at like 4.30 or 5. Are you like a night owl? Yeah, for sure.

For sure. Okay. So see, it's all starting to come into focus here. I'm waking up at three, so. No, I'm not. Noon, though. Sure. Sure.

According to this sugary cereals, CBS News, which are the 10 worst? You've got your Froot Loops, your Crunch Berries. Yeah. And this is, by the way, a new segment on the show where Dave reads read the list oh good on the internet you have apple jacks sure those were gross they're great that's like the most recent sugary one that i've gotten into apple jack you have kellogg's s'mores oh there you go yeah yeah there you go now we're cooking graham o's sure that's because they've got a bit of this orgasm a little bit just a little bit in every box uh cabin crunch regular oops the cabin crunch all berries all berries yeah where it literally says oops on the box

because really the fiction is that oops we just made a cereal All out of these added crunch berries There's Fruit Loops with marshmallows There's Golden Crisp and Honey Smacks There you go I have not heard of Honey Smacks Honey Smacks are like Sugar Crisp They're like a puffed wheat with

Sugar The frog Smacks the frog He was a heroin dealing frog With sugar. The frog. Yeah. Right, that frog. Yeah. Yeah. Smacks the frog. Smack the frog. He was a heroin-dealing frog. So you're a complete night owl. You're waking up at noon.

Do you feel, because when I wake up at noon, I feel bad. I feel horrible. Like you feel like everybody else got out there, really did it to the day. Oh, yeah. For sure. And you're like, sure like oh boy what is my problem if i wake up before 11 yeah and i wish everybody would praise me as much as i praise myself for doing that no when you say wake up like i really pat myself on the back but do you consider it waking up if you then go take a shower and go back to bed? Yes. If I've seen the morning, it's a good thing. But I've been upright.

Yeah. But you're an actor. Sometimes you must have to go to a set at an ungodly hour. I know, and that's the worst. And then I really am just screwed because I'll still stay up until 3.30 or 4. Right. Because this is your, what are you doing at 3 o'clock in the morning? Are you just up by yourself?

Well, I mean, comedy shows and then just staying out. Sure. So there's that. Party all the time. Sometimes I party every day. Yeah. You wake up at 3, start partying. If it's just a normal night where I'm just staying in, I'm just watching TV.

Yeah. That's when I watch the shows. You don't ever have, because you don't have to get up in the morning, you're like, it's off the table? Yeah. Fair enough. It's the best part of the night. Everybody's gone to bed. I don't have to talk to anybody anymore.

It's great. I love 3.30 a.m. That's like your magic, the magic hour. The magic hour. But then all you do with it. I feel productive

at that time too. Like sometimes I'll write a little tweet. That is productive. That is productive. What good have I done in the world today? None until I've written

those tweets. Yeah. Write a tweet. I hate those days when I do feel so unproductive that actually tweeting three times and then seeing it get retweeted feels like a good day. Like you really did something. Like I really pushed my career. Do you ever have a feeling where you have a tweet that's really good and it's 3.30 in the morning and you're like, tweet this now.

Who's going to see it? For sure. I'm not going to pick up any steam. Got to get HootSuite and you post them for 11 a.m. the next day. Sure. And then you can sleep in. You sleep right in. And then you just wake up to those likes.

Yeah. Nine, ten likes. Yeah, you wake up to some sizzling likes. Newspaper lands on your... Wait, why would the newspaper... Man tweets? But why would it get the news of your delayed tweet? Yeah.

No, that doesn't add up. So, you're still You haven't conquered this lateness problem You were on time today I was like right on time Yeah Though you do have a hard out at the end of this And you told me where you need to be

And when you need to be there And I think your hard out is wrong I'm gonna be a bit late Sure Yeah That's fine That's okay Then I gotta start without you.

Oh, what if they did though? Oh no. They just replaced me right away. They just start editing old pieces of other things and just creating a virtual you. So you stay up all night watching TV. What TV shows do you like? Yeah. America wants to know.

I got to let you know. I've just been watching The Night Of, which is that HBO miniseries. Oh my goodness. Did you finish it? Not yet. I just finished it. Describe to me what the premise of this is. We'll say it at the same time.

It's about this guy who kills or maybe something. There's a murder and it happens on the night of. Well done, guys. John Turturro's in it.

He's very good. He's so itchy. Oh, he's always scratching his feet with chopsticks. Was it supposed to be... It's weird. Is that real? Oh, wow. Was it supposed to be what's his name james gandolfini oh that's right because he's listed as an executive producer yeah so why would he executive produce something he's not in wait wait wait so this was executive produced by a ghost he does a great job for a ghost. He's producing.

Posture is money. Oh, yeah. So you watch that, but you're almost done that. Almost done that. So what's in the queue? I guess you spoiled it. No. May or may not.

No, no, we never know. You're right, we never know. Yeah. It's unfolding. Well, we never know. Wonderful way. And then what's next in the queue i'm gonna finish off west world yeah sure gotta get that down i'm watching the last episode five minutes

at a time that's a fun way i watched it together and i fell asleep and so i just watch it in the morning while i just stretch yeah i'm not sure i'm liking it i don't know i don't know whatever it's uneven but it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I have no, I don't know what's going on. It's 3.30 in the morning,

you know? Oh, oh, I've been watching Planet Earth. That's the one I'm truly passionate about right now. Sure. Do you feel like you want to save the Earth now that you've watched it? Ah.

That's what it feels like. A lot of people are all of a sudden like, let's save it. Fuck it. I love that show for the like the obvious editing to tell a story that didn't actually happen. Like there's one like the lizard is being chased by a snake. I've seen the lizard in the snake story. People love it.

But like I think about the reality of that. That's probably eight or nine lizard shots. That's eight or nine different lizards being chased by many different snakes and they've snipped it together to make it look like an Indiana Jones style snake. And they'll do a close-up of a snake and then a close-up of a lizard

looking over its shoulder. That is just a shot of a lizard. And you're like, wait, they put in a map there. And they do little close-up shots of millipedes and they're like what they put in a map there that and they do like little close up shots of millipedes and they're going

like like all this sound the foley like oh dude it cannot be what they say it's just a guy

going I'm gross that's what Chris's appointment is he's doing some millipede sound effects yeah I got

now make him run like he's running in midair before he catches and then really takes off really good um yeah that's the only clip i've seen from the plan if you if you watched it at all i've only seen that clip i don't uh i never saw the early people love the original planet Planet Earth. Yep. And it's Richard Attenborough, who I always think is the guy from Jurassic Park. Or is it always David? Oh, wait, no. Wait, Richard Attenborough is the guy from Jurassic Park. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's David Attenborough. David Attenborough, yeah. See, this is how confused I am about it. And I only want it to be the guy from Jurassic Park. That's why I won't watch it. And I always love the narration. Like the end of a chapter, David Attenborough always says something like,

and the lizard shall live another day. And then you move on. And they're always just living another day. And so life goes on. How long is a chapter? How many chapters in a sode? I feel like they cover about four or five animals. Okay.

In a sode? Does it go regional or do you zip and zap and all over? Oh, we are talking regional. We're talking mountains. One full episode just in the mountains. Okay, sure. Deserts. Then we're talking islands.

Ah! That's all I've watched. What else are there? That seems like... There's Under the Sea. Oh, Under the Sea. I hear there's going to be an episode called Cities, which is what I've been living for to see.

Are we the animals? HD footage of raccoons running around. Yeah, probably. I imagine. Crows. Or what if they try and piece together a story of a human? They use six different humans that just look alike. Yeah, I guess city animals are pretty interesting.

I mean, I see them all. I take them for granted. I hate them. Do you hate pigeons? I have no... It goes from zero affection to hate in terms of city animals. Wouldn't you want to know

the mating habits of a bunch of raccoons? Yeah, a bunch of them. I'd be interested in that. All those raccoon orcs. What is my fondest city animal? It might be the raccoon. Raccoons up there.

I like squirrels. Squirrels are higher than raccoon, I think. Yeah. What about a coyote? raccoon, I think, sure. Yeah. What about a coyote? Oh, yeah. I guess that straddles, right? Coyote will come in and do a visit. I like a skunk.

Yeah, skunk are pretty cute. For just the danger of seeing one. Yeah. So nervous. Do you give them a wide berth or do you walk right by them and just live? I've started just walking right by them because they don't really give a shit. They're like looking for whatever they eat we'll find out on planet earth yeah they live yeah another day on the night uh that's that's really all anybody gets is we live another day right if you're gonna get narrated after that's what i say and graham will go on to live another day another day i shall live

it's all you have a day i mean and if david attenborough says it like at least you've got that one day breathing room where you're like oh at least i've got another day yeah well he knows something i don't yeah one day more what is that lame is oh You were supposed to come in with your part. Oh, yeah. One more day of revolution. We will nip them in the bud. Chris, take it. They will wet themselves with blood. That's an actual lyric.

They will wet themselves with blood. Oh, I thought you said they'll whip themselves with blood, which made even less sense. But, yeah, wet themselves. Oh, did you wet yourself? Oh's blood oh no um uh so you're in town almost for a whole month pretty well yeah and uh so you're not working what are you doing i don't know are you you're staying at friends houses you can't be up on the couch surfing i'm on their schedule you're on their scale how much do you hate that or are you fine with it are you are you an expert couch surfer

i've gotten pretty good at at this point yeah i feel like most people of my friends are are similar okay it does feel weird to have to like wait like you can't really sleep in if someone's getting ready for work in the morning around you. You gotta get up. Yeah. Oh, you can't even pretend like I'm just sleeping? I do that. I'll just, like, yeah, pretend to sleep so I don't have to talk.

But these are my dear friends I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's still, they're starting their life, and then their day ends whenever it ends, and then your day is also kind of ending? Yeah. That's weird. I don't know. I don't love couch surfing, that's for sure. But are you okay with it?

Like you don't love it, but you can do it? Better than spending $80 in a hotel. Disagree. Yeah, I know. Love that hotel. Check in, friendly. I want them to book them for me I want to not pay for them

Right Yeah I love having a hotel booked Yeah But booking it yourself and paying No fun No fun I used to

Oh I already told this The last time I worked at Trump Hotel In Toronto And that man makes a good hotel for sure. He makes a good everything. He's going to make something great again. And I would get cheap hotel rooms in my own city.

30 bucks a night for the deluxe suite. What's in the wonderful? Yeah. Well, I mean. I mean, I guess so. You just have some parties or

like have cereal parties. Entertain. Oh, yeah. Oh, what's cereal cost coming up from the Trump room

service? Oh, man, that would be, I think it's pretty expensive. I would never get the room service. What is a deluxe suite in

a Trump hotel? I have no idea. You walk in. Yeah. There's a bathroom right there. Right away. You walk right into a bathroom. That's every hotel room. I'm pretty sure. But, wait for it.

You walk in again, there's a bed. Wait, have you walked out this time? Yeah, yeah. It changes. Every time you open the door, it's different. That is cool. It's like, you walk in in there's a place for your shoes i know i'm i'm describing a normal hotel yeah but it's very nice oh yeah it's like there's like a

little uh plant and you walk normally there's a living room there's a living most hotels there's no place for my shoes i have to leave them In the hallway Yeah And sometimes They get stolen Yeah People barf in their shoes Figured it out though So shoe area Plant

Shoe area Living room Then you got a little kitchen Okay But when I say little I mean a bit big Okay Yeah

Full stove Yeah Microwave Yeah But when I say little, I mean a bit big. Okay. Yeah. Full stove. Yeah. Microwave. Yeah. We're talking fridge. And it's all beautiful. What if it was all just regular hotel stuff?

Oh, it's got a little kitchen. You know, coffee maker. Tiny little fridge. You got it. Every bottle of water. A couch. Uh-huh. And so far, there's no bed to even be seen yet. Okay, so the bed is not visible from the shoe space.

Then, yeah. Okay. You've already put your shoes down. You're looking for the bed. You have to look for it. Yeah. You turn around. There it is.

To tap you on the shoulder. There's a man that taps you on the shoulder. Turn around. Shows you where your bed is. Wow. That's really nice. You turn on the shoulder. There's a man that taps you on the shoulder. Turn around. Shows you where your bed is. Wow. That's really nice. You turn on the TV. There's a channel that tells you

what movies you can watch on demand. Wow. Yeah. Wow. There are movies that haven't even been released yet. Here's the coolest thing. They're not even out in theaters yet? Nope.

Oh, wow. Some of them aren't even written. Sometimes you can just watch dailies. Download it on your laptop. With their Wi any movie. Some of them aren't even written. Sometimes you can just watch dailies. Download it on your laptop with their Wi-Fi. Any movie you want. Is their Wi-Fi fast or very slow like every hotel? If you pay a little extra, you can get the fast stuff. Otherwise, slow.

Slow, yeah. When I say slow, I mean a bit faster than slow. Oh, I got you. Now, you go into the washroom. Uh-huh. The second washroom off of the bedroom. Whoa. Yeah, this is where we're talking.

Dueling washrooms. We got a shower that's like only like straight down water. Yeah. Oh, like rain shower. Yeah, rain forest shower. Yeah. Nice. And a TV in the mirror.

Oh, cool. Cycling news. Yeah. And a TV in the mirror. Oh, cool. Cycling news. Yeah. That's pretty cool. The news. Some news. That's very total recall. And the floors heated. Yeah. Nice. Bathrobes.

Bathrobes. More than one? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a shoehorn. Ironrobes. Bathrobes. More than one? Yeah. Maybe a shoehorn. Ironing board. And a checkout time of noon. Oh. Which is perfect for me, as we know.

Yeah. It seems a little early for you. A little bit early. Yeah, fine. But you can extend your stay. But it's okay for you because you work there exactly you're you start your shift at noon what were you uh it was a valet yeah there was a couple nights when i just booked the room and then because i had to do the like the the 6 a.m shift so you just stay at the hotel and then just go to work yeah it was fun nice yeah that's kind of i

could see that being uh i don't know if i had access to a hotel for cheap i'd probably be there a couple times can you have you ever gotten a wake-up call from a hotel yes what's that like it's a human being right yeah yeah and this is the weird thing is uh i mean you uh have a wife so you talk to somebody as soon as you wake up no i do not oh okay i don't talk to her for an hour but but it's not the reason i don't go back to bed after i shower these days because she's still asleep but you know like uh i just i guess i i'm not unrehearsed in uh how i sound first thing in the world i don't know what i sound like uh but i know that it's uh groggy and so yeah it's that and i'm like maybe this is all she ever hears when she's doing her uh wake up calls normally

when someone calls you and they wake you up i if you're a certain type of person like I am, they'll say, oh, did I wake you? And you'll say, no, no. No, I'm awake. I was ironing. I just was reading the paper. I was watching shower

news. This person's job is just to wake people up by phoning them so that's true so it's unapologetic but there must be people who are apologetic

who are like no it's okay I was awake already you need your dumb call call again in five minutes yeah that's the problem with the wake up call is that

you really can go back to sleep no one's holding you. Yeah. They should make you answer a skill testing question. Yeah. When is checkout time? Noon, I think.

I don't know where I am. Have you ever asked for a late checkout and then really pushed it until they called the room? Yeah. Oh, every time. Every time? Every time. Where they're like, ah, we're just wondering what's going on up there. This is normally when we send the police because there's a body.

I find you can push it about 45 minutes past. Yeah. That's it. I don't know. No, but then they do start calling. Yeah. At first they're very like, we just wanted to remind you that checkout time was an hour ago. Yeah.

You're like, yeah, oh, I'm on my way out right now. And then if you push it another 10. Yeah. They're like, okay, we just got to get in there and clean that room. Yeah, because then they start threatening to charge you again. Yeah. I wonder what the cutoff is though. Like what's the razor's edge that you can

before they're like a documentary. We're automatically charging your meter. Because check in time is usually three. Yeah so probably. So what are they gonna. Why do they need to get your room right now? Yeah. Yeah. I'm clean. You don't need to spend three hours cleaning my room. Yeah.

I didn't do anything untoward. I just slept here. Or did I? I mean, I slept here. I watched Shower News. Now, on Shower News, are the anchors also showering? Or is this? What's in the weather forecast?

Showers? Always showers. Those rain shower heads, have you ever experienced? I've never. They're wonderful. always showers yeah those rain those rain shower heads have you ever experienced I've never they're wonderful

it's the you really don't want to go back to regular shower after doing that you're like this is how we were supposed to be showering the whole time

it's just cause I think the regular shower is like you get it on your back yeah and if you want you gotta turn around

I get it on my neck yeah my back my pussy and my crack ah oh i feel like this one area of my chest is the cleanest because that's where it just hits and then oh you're you and i've got a shower i face the shower yeah for the majority of the time i switch around i twirl donirl. Don't you like to step out of the shower, like out of where the water's going? The rain and just look at it? Well, no, but like, you know, you step, I don't know. Like the thing about the rain coming over top of you is you don't get any respite. Oh, no, they're big enough that you can step, you can just step to the right and now you're not even in the shower.

Oh. Sometimes there's in the shower. Oh. Sometimes there's a little bench. Oh, there's often a little bench. You sit down and just, you don't even have to shower. Just sit down there. Have a steam. Yeah. Just enjoy the rainfall.

What a great day. Use your complimentary umbrella that's probably in the room. Try that. Oh, they for sure had those. Did this hotel, cause this is something that I didn't realize, uh, hotels had until very recently. Did it have any animals that were like,

Oh, like kind of anxiety animals for a really anxious cat. Yeah. No, this is a thing that hotels offer. Some, some, yeah. Hotels are offering like if you're uh we have a dog yeah in-house animals and you can yeah you can walk it or just hang out with it in the lobby or whatever that's fun yeah so this is like a new a new can you be unsupervised with it i I mean, not for very long.

Because then you'll just find the dog in the shower. Sir, you're the eighth person to put the dog in the shower today. The dog is clean. Smells like a wet dog. Yeah. I like that. That wasn't... No, that was not offered at Trump.

Trump will be the first president in 150 years to not have a pet. Really? Huh. I'm surprised he doesn't have like a snake. Yeah. Or like a falcon. Yeah. Although remember when he tried to get a picture taken with an eagle?

It went great. What happened there? The eagle freaked out. Oh, okay. And then he kind of freaked out. Yeah, yeah. Lost his cool a little bit. Yeah, and the pictures, I mean, the camera's rolling the whole time.

Of course. That was when he was making the talk show rounds as a zoo expert. Yeah, that's right. And tonight from the San Diego Zoo, Donald Trump. He would go on Ellen and be like, this is a kinkajou. That's still, like, of all talk show

guests, that's still a constant. Yeah. Oh, I saw someone was watching Rachel Ray Today Over my shoulder It was in a restaurant And they were showing

Rachel Ray And it had a A guy Brought on a reindeer Sure And they showed Where the best meat Comes from

That's great They made reindeer jelly Yeah Yeah but it's like Us producers are like We still haven't figured out a better Thing than bringing on animals And watching the host

Yeah it's pretty much gold Everybody wants to watch I mean Jimmy Fallon ends up Freaking out about those little sure he freaks out about a lot of things yeah he freaks out about an anecdote he freaks out that he has his own show he's just always freaking out um but even jay leno was funny when they brought animals on like even even jay leno even jay leno and yet if they ever try to do a show that's all animals nah pass what are you david edinburgh yeah you gotta make them like a treat

you know yeah we've got trash pandas on today's they never just bring in city animals trash pandas here's a pigeon i caught outside um dave yeah what's going on with you um here's what's going on with me uh it was christmas yesterday and it had a great visit yeah the man upstairs yeah jesus jesus came down and he was like, hey guys. Yeah. I know it's my birthday, but I just want you guys to give each other presents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aw, that's nice. I know.

But you could tell he was angling for something big. Yeah. He's like, maybe if I show I'm really nice, he'll give me something big. Yeah, just like my page on Facebook. We, I bought a Christmas tree. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A few days ago. And have you i bought a christmas tree yeah oh yeah a few days ago and have you ever bought a christmas tree like a real a real life real life one i have not because you have to go to a parking lot you have to talk to a guy who will give you an arborist tree boy he will give you tree he will tell you why certain trees cost more oh okay some trees they're about five bucks a foot oh okay sure and then there's certain ones

so you're like just give me one foot of tree please yes all right i'll be on my way give me the middle foot of this tree uh and he uh will give you like tell you like oh this one offers great needle retention did he actually say needle oh i love it because it doesn't drop needles everywhere yeah i don't remember if that's the one i bought no but i love the i love the phrase needle retention. They all looked the same. Yeah. Like, not to be racist. But all the trees kind of looked alike. So I picked the one that was $70 that I liked the best.

Yeah. But, like, do you know what type it is? Yeah, it's a Christmas tree. Oh. No, but don't they have, a blue blue spruce yeah noble fur yeah aspen my cousins used to always get the skinniest tree with like you could see through it you could like just a few limbs here and there full tree i like it full too why would they get the skinny one was it was just the charlie brown it wasn't situation

no because it was always a tall tree but it was just what their dad liked i think and he was the one who bought it and easier for hanging little things in i guess though it'll always those skinny ones always remind me of grover because they look like his limbs sure They're like just really skinny and jutting out. And blue. Yeah. A blue fur. Or a blue noble spruce. Noble spruce. Yeah. Do you know what Grover is? Is he a monster?

Are they all monsters? Yeah, he's a monster. Okay. So yeah, we got a tree. He's daddy's little monster. What's that? Suicide Squad girl. Harley Quinn.

Is that she had a shirt that said that? Yeah, she had a shirt That said that? Yeah she had a shirt That said that I was going to buy one For Halloween But they sold out Of the large ones

Of course Unsurprisingly Of course I wasn't The only guy who thought Of that as being funny Was it like a Yes A tube crop top

A belly shirt You were going to go Harley Quinn No it was just Going to have the shirt Yeah And then people would be like Yeah

This guy gets it. Did you Halloween? Did you dress up? I did. I dressed up. I hosted a show. What did you dress up as? Your favorite aunt.

So I wore a beautiful gold shirt and I had a beehive wig and some beautiful pink glasses. Did you Halloween? Nice jewelry. Yeah, I Halloweened. I went as sexy Charlie Brown, which I thought was a pretty funny idea. And then I realized as I was out that I was dressed as a sexy little boy. What is sexy Charlie Brown? It made me feel pretty uncomfortable.

Go through the costume yeah yeah explain well bald head yep bald cat because I already think that Charlie

Brown went pretty sexy yeah little white not white yellow shirt with a zig zag but obviously

stomach out cropped cropped okay knee high socks little black shoes what color socks white I think

black shoes and just shorts that were like rolled up so you could show that thigh good grief and that's pretty much what it was i'm going yeah and were you by yourself or did you have a peanuts gang nope by myself you didn't have a sexy red bear i mean i had i had friends sure to begin with yeah and thenxy pig pen. Just going to a bar. Just covered, just naked with your wiener covered in dirt.

Yeah, or sexy Linus, just the blanket. And you went out to a bar on Halloween? Yeah, and then I felt really uncomfortable. I really did. Was it busy? Yeah. Yeah. What was your favorite costume that you saw?

Because that to me is the big draw of going out to anything on Halloween is seeing like somebody. What's the Spaceballs dog? The John Candy dog. Barf. Barf. Yeah. Barf. He's a barf.

The best barf costume. There's a friend of mine who's a makeup designer. Oh, cool. So she went all out on her own face yeah i didn't go out to any uh to bar because i feel like i don't know i feel uncomfortable when i'm around a lot of people who are disguised yeah and getting wasted yeah right that to me feels like a recipe for put on those masks that you can't see their face. But in a way, aren't we all wearing masks?

Yeah, that's true. Don't we all put on a little mask every day when we go to our opera and we phantom it? Tell me more about that. Well, I wear half a mask. Yeah. And for the first half and then you switch sides. Yeah. For the second half, I understand.

So yeah, I bought a Christmas tree. Yeah. For the second half, I understand. So, yeah, I bought a Christmas tree. Yeah. Oh, and also, have you seen the ads for this Will Smith movie? I've seen a bus ad for it, and it looks like one of those, who's the guy that would make Valentine's Day or New Year's Eve? Oh, Gary Marshall? Yeah, it seems like, is it a gary marshall no it's film do you know this movie it's called collateral beauty no even the title collateral beauty yikes and um will smith it looks like it was something that he made just like what was the one last year

concussion oh concussion and then there was wasn't there fishing for an oscar what was the one that you're fishing in the wrong his organs that it was what was that called it's called and it was like one of these like one guy dies and all you follow the stories of all the organs like a crash yeah and that was his yeah he seems to be like i think he's gonna boycott the oscars again this year because this is a movie where i think what happens is his child dies okay and he in the grieving process he writes letters to time not the magazine the concept oh he writes a letter to time he writes a letter to love

not the Netflix show he writes a letter to death uh huh not the not just death yeah yeah and death is played

by Helen Mirren no wait are these are these oh yeah okay and then what happens in the commercial is Helen Mirren shows up and says, you wrote a letter to Death. Hey, check me out.

What? Still pretty hot for an old lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check me out. Check out these bikini pants. That's what everyone's afraid to say is Helen Mirren is actually pretty good looking for her age. I'll say. Keira Knightley is love oh sure and uh some

little kid is time he might that's just what's in the commercial but maybe he writes letters to like integrity yeah and you know just well but yeah no it looks like a sleeper it looks like a... Sleeper hit? Looks like a made-for-TV movie. Right. Yeah, because the bus shelter ad has a picture of, it's Will Smith, but his body is filled with all of these people. Oh, like he ate them? Helen Mirren's here. No, it's like... Are they made of gingerbread?

He's like the food pyramid, and they're all the different things you should eat in a day. Right. Helen Mirren's on the bottom. You can take it. You can have as much Helen Mirren as you want. Helen Mirren is corn. Up at the top,

Will Smith's head only for a special occasion. Yeah, it's a whipped cream. So yeah, that is a movie. Yeah. That's coming out. Coming out. Probably out by now. Yeah. That's coming out. Coming out. Probably out by now.

Yeah. One of these Christmas Eve. There's a Christmas Day movie. Have you ever seen a movie on Christmas Day? Yeah. Yeah. Last year? Star Wars maybe last year.

What did I see last year? Is it busy on Christmas Day? Because they released a lot of movies on Christmas Day. Yeah, it's busy. Yeah. I think I went and saw a movie that had been out for i went and saw creed that had been out for a while so we didn't have to deal with the hustle and bustle of the star wars boxing exactly it was probably really really

full on boxing day fun look at all the high fives i'm getting whoa why is chris the high fives I'm getting. Whoa. Why is Chris getting high fives? Woo. But we're not high fiving each other. No, no, no. You're all getting it. I understand. So yeah, I just want to one more time reinforce. Collateral beauty.

That Christ is the reason for the season. Right. And that Will Smith will never get an Oscar. Nope. He came close with Ali and that's it. Yeah. He also had some buzz, and that's it. Yeah. He also had some buzz. Remember years ago he was in that movie?

Six Degrees of Separation? Yeah, that was before he was a movie star. And there was a lot of Oscar buzz around that. Never happened. It's weird that he sat out the Independence Day reboot. Didn't he die? Huh? Doesn't he die? No.

No, you're getting him confused with randy quay that's right yeah everybody less unusual that he didn't make an appearance i wonder if he wasn't uh on the lamb if they would have figured out a way to bring him back anyways we could speculate what's going on with you graham um well you know we're we, you know, we're really locked in this winter season thing here. And I thought it was going to be a one day, oh, isn't this fun? If you're not, we're recording in Vancouver. If you're new to the show, new, new, new. And we usually get snow every couple of years And it melts in a day

Yeah, and it's really stuck around And we're really, more of it has arrived And by and large, I think the city's handled it pretty well They haven't picked up our garbage in a week No, yeah, but I saw a guy It was pretty hilarious, actually. He was a city worker

and he had a shovel full of salt and he was, like, kind of spilling it out on the sidewalk, but the way that you would make it rain in a strip club.

And I think he was doing it on purpose for his friend in the truck, but I got to see it, so that's pretty special for me to get to see. I've been driving a lot in the truck but i got to see it so that's special for me to get to see um i've been uh driving a lot yeah in the snow and i feel good about it sure people talk about how people are terrible drivers here especially when it snows i think i'd say that's right people are yeah yeah

and us no not me the other i'm great the others others. But I've come up with, like, so many swear words I didn't know I knew. Like, I called someone a shitheel the other day. Nice. I didn't even know that was a thing. I forgot that was a thing, but it just came out when someone couldn't get a, like, half their car was blocking everything. So, yeah, the first day when it was really blizzarding, I was out. I was waiting for a bus that was not going to ever come. But I didn't know that.

And that's the problem with waiting for a bus is every year you're living in these like two minute increments where you're like, if I leave now and the bus comes, I'd screw myself. Yeah. And were more people showing up at the bus stop? Not at the one I was at. And then there was a couple of people that did show up eventually and they gave up. They were like, we're walking. And they took off. And I was like, I should have gone with them.

The walkers. Yeah. But I was still caught in that pattern of like, I can't see around the bend. So it could be, and I kept seeing buses go one way and not coming back the other way. But across the board, I eventually did end up walking for like half an hour of this blizzard without fail. If I saw somebody pulling off a move that they shouldn't have been doing in

the brand new icy snowy weather, it was 100% of the time a bmw oh wow without fail and i got like i was walking at this one part where i had to kind of walk closer to the road because it was just like glare ice and i got splashed by a car bmw yep and then i when i finally got to like a street that had buses that were running, I got splashed again by a tow truck. And I was like, God damn it. Towing a BMW?

Towing a BMW. Damn, I couldn't believe it. If it weren't. The transitive powers. Hot heads. Yeah. If it weren't so poetic, you know, it would have been mad. I saw a BMW the other day.

In case you're wondering who in this city has the license plate Ecto-1. It's a white BMW SUV. What? Yeah. Great. At least it's, you know, white. Yeah, yeah. I would hate to see an Ecto-1 and not have any kind of Ghostbuster colors on it, you know?

That's what I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Right. Could they have put a Ghostbuster logo on the side to make it fun for kids? Sure. I once saw this beige BMW with a license plate that says, beige be baby. Shit. Beige be baby.

Beige be baby. Babies be beige. I don't know what it is about bmws i like i don't know either they're as a driver they're probably the rudest other cars on the road uh they don't let you in they if you see a young like oh and i see a 70 year old guy in a bmw i'm like okay you're like a doctor or something but when i see a 20 year old guy in a bmw i'm like okay you're like a doctor or something but when i see a 20 year old guy in a bmw i hate him yeah but i there's something about but what if he's a doogie hauser doctor a doctor only only operates on doogie housers on boy geniuses yeah

but there's something they're very attractive to me. Like, I'd like to drive them. The cars themselves? Yeah. Yeah, no, they look, they're very nice looking, and they make like a real good room. Oh, boy. But yeah, I don't. I'd probably go Audi if I'm, you know, in that ballpark of money for car. Sure. I'm going out for Audi.

You know, if I'm giving money for car. How much money you need for car here? know, if I'm giving money for a car. How much money do you need for a car here? Oh, wow. A lot of money. Well, I'd probably go Audi then. Yeah, a lot of money. If I'm giving that much money for a car, I'm going Audi. Yeah.

Do we want to move on to overheard? Sure. Hello, Brent. Travis. Welcome to overheard? Sure. Hello, Brent. Travis. Welcome to Trends Like These. What's Trends Like These, you ask? Well, it's a podcast where we take the news trending on the internet and we cover it in podcast form. We go beyond the headlines, beyond the memes to bring you the real story so that when your friends bring it up, you can look real smart.

beyond the memes to bring you the real story so that when your friends bring it up, you can look real smart. We take things that need to be debunked and we debunk them. And then we take things that need to be re-bunked and we re-bunk them. We bring you all the details and we give you a spin on it.

Our opinions, our thoughts, and we also try to dig up some positive things to talk about so it's not all bummers. Just a couple of real life friends talking internet trends. So join us every Thursday on MaximumFun.org and wherever podcasts are found. Jumpstart your creativity at MaxFunCon 2017. Surround yourself with beautiful nature, brilliant artists, hilarious comedians,

and of course, some of your favorite MaxFun podcasts. Whether you join us in Lake Arrowhead in June for MaxFunCon, or in the Poconos in September for MaxFunCon East, you'll leave inspired and with a bunch of new friends. MaxFunCon.com has all of the details. Buy your tickets before they're gone. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world

and then we share them here on the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest. Oh, wow. Are you confident in your ability to... Uh the guest. Oh, wow. Are you confident in your ability to... Uh-oh. Oh, dear. Yeah, I can begin. So I will.

Here we go. Oh, boy. This is really stalling 101. So what I mean to say is... One day. And how much time is it I have to film? Right? Okay.

Five minutes? Okay, great. Just drag this out. Check, check, check. Did you ever do that on, like, book reports when you were a kid? Oh, yeah. You just kept adding. This is the book in which the story is told

that the author decided would be a good story to tell. And here's why. In my opinion, anyway. Though I am just one critic. Now, sit back and enjoy this book report. Alright.

Here is my overheard. You're gonna like it and it starts now it's not so much an overheard as it is was told somebody said it to me it's just an amazing interaction that i had with this man on the airplane okay this is coming here not coming here this was a plane ride like in october a plane ride we're going on a plane ride yeah um i sit down and i'm buckling up they're doing the the safety announcements and he leans over to me and he's nervous and he goes um i hate flying but i really like being told How to use a seatbelt So this is great

And I'm like oh great And then he goes What do you do I go I'm a comedian And he's like oh Not funny enough to be a WestJet employee He was on fire Wow

The guy was on fire Did you ask him what he did No I was laughing Yeah He had some like some nice banter he was great at banter wow for people not from canada west jet is the funny airline yeah right it's where sillies go to work oh my god they really make those safety announcements their own you know they're told that they can say whatever they want. Or are they given, these are the five

jokes you're allowed to make. No one flies more than this much time, so you won't... Most of them always go like, ladies and gentlemen, let's sit back on... Dave just hung up his glasses on his microphone. I'm going to bed.

They do the old bait and switch, like the, sit back and we're going on our four-hour flight to Hawaii. And then we go, gotcha. Right. You know? Yeah. And there's the, when you land, they go, in case you haven't been on an airplane since 1972, there is no smoking allowed in the whatever. And you're like, make it fun got it

hey why do they have the no smoking sign anyway they should make the whole plane out of the black box peanuts why are these things so hard to open um you know like ages and ages ago and west chip first first came out there was a comedian here in town that actually did stand up. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Into the, yeah, like into the little speaker microphone thing. CB radio thing. Who's from out of town? That'd be great.

Yeah. I mean, can you imagine, like, then you can't not get away from a stand-up show? Like, there's no... Oh, God. Hey, you're the comedian. No, no, that's someone else. Hey, yeah, you're the comedian who insulted my aunt. Well, she was a bitch.

Yeah. Why are you traveling with your aunt? It's a long story. Dave, do you have an overheard? Sorry. Next week's guest on our show goes through these jags where he will like all of my tweets for a month. Yeah. Within two minutes.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Your phone blew up. Mine is, oh, let's do this one. I just went for lunch before I came here to my house. And I took a picture of this sign outside a restaurant. And it's got all of these alcohol puns. One of them I did wrong.

Yeah. So I'm going to read this sign. Alcohol is not in my vocabulary. Okay. However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia, and I learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely to tequila. Hmm.

Yeah, I mean, they tried. Shouldn't it be it's likely tequila? Tequila. Tequila. And the B. And also, why are you telling people that it's likely to kill you when you're trying to get them to buy alcohol? Yeah. Bad, bad business.

It's a bad sign. Yeah. Well, guys, I didn't write it. I oversaw it. It's like Gene Simmons owning Rock and Brews. He says in public that he thinks people who drink are losers. And then he's got a chain of restaurants that sell alcohol. He thinks they're losers?

Yeah. He thinks a lot of people are losers. Anyone who isn't him or Paul Stanley. Even two other members of KISS he thinks are losers. Yeah, that's true. His inner circle. Peter Criss. Loser.

Yeah. I don't know he was definitely he's a trump guy right oh yeah right oh come on 100 he never publicly said it but we can all look i can see it on people's faces when they're wearing jeans i'm in sure when they're wearing rock kabuki makeup Graham do you have an overheard I do yeah another one that was

said to me right to you yep and you had your ears open to hear it and it wasn't well it wasn't said it was

it was said to me but not specifically to my face I think he was saying it to himself but it was an interaction with me I was standing a very long line at the dollar store to my face. I think he was saying it to himself, but it was an interaction with me.

I was standing a very long line at the dollar store, and there was only one lady, there was only one cashier. Were you buying nutcracker lobster cracker? Yeah, maybe. And at one point I dropped the thing of wrapping paper, dropped

on the floor, and the guy, like I turned around to pick it up, but the guy behind me, big, big guy, was like, no, no. And then, like, it was not an easy thing for him to do. So I don't know why he did it. It was very nice of him, but then when he stood back up, very red-faced, he said to himself, that's going to hurt later. I know. I don't know why he did it. It was very nice of him, but he was just a nice man. Today I was at Home Depot, and I saw a guy get caught shoplifting.

Oh, cool. And I was like, oh, I'll follow this guy. Because it's a long walk back to where they take them. And I'll follow them, and maybe I'll get some good overheards. Just sad. Just sad. Just sad. What was he stealing?

Gloves. Oh, that's not fun. Nah. You know, if he was stealing like a bundle of bug spray or something. Then you're like, this guy's going to go start some sort of fire. Have you ever stole a shoplift? Ted? You ever done a shoplift? Ted? Have you ever done a shoplift?

You ever ask questions? Not in any room. As a boy? Not even as a... Once as a girl. I dressed up and the security guard fell in love with me. Did you? As a boy.

Yeah, what did you steal? Cheese. Cheese? I stole a brick of cheese. A brick? Yeah. Wow. A little like... Yeah, yeah, a brick? Cheese. Cheese? I stole a brick of cheese. A brick? Yeah. Wow. A little like.

Yeah, yeah, a brick. Yeah. Some good cheese. I had nice taste. What age of boy were you? What age of boy? Yes. I think I was probably in middle school.

Just doing it to do it. Yeah. But it's a strange pick. I know. It was there. It was like, I remember doing it because it was the size of my pocket. It looked like it just fit in there perfect.

Perfectly square for my perfect pocket. You wore it as a pocket square for that year's grad photo. Do you get a grad photo every year? With whatever dairy product is nearest just holding a milk thing like a diploma yeah sure like a kefir yeah um yeah i don't know i

don't know that i ever did i ever take it i've never shoplifted from a store i've you know Never shoplifted from a store. I've, you know, stolen from school or friends or something. Yeah, yeah. I definitely took things from school. That's, I feel like that was all, as many pencil erasers as I could get my hands on. Oh, in fact, I think I got in trouble one year for stealing erasers. You know.

And they made you erase, I will not steal. Yeah. A hundred times on the word. But those are the, you know, those pink and blue deals.-huh what's the blue for nothing pen i think i think at a certain point people thought it was for erasing pen and sometimes they used to have pens that had an eraser on the back yeah i had pens though not a good pen just don't make mistakes ever. Yeah. That's what, if you've learned anything today, just be perfect

like us. Yeah. It's funny that whiteout was the solution for so long to your pen dilemmas. Yeah,

just paint over it. Paint over it and then write over the bumpy paint. And don't wait for it to dry completely and get

it all over your pen. Oh man. Oh boy. Oh, but like that pen, if you wait the however many seconds for it to dry it look it's a beautiful white yeah that's true you're in your pen just glides over it the tape one the white out tape oh sure oh yeah that was. That's dry immediately. And then there's like a weird hybrid of the two that they used on typewriters.

You would like run, you'd like put it in there and then hit the key again to blank it out. Anyway, it's all money into Michael Naismith's mom's pocket. That's right. She's still alive. She was frozen and had her head put on a robotic dinosaur body just like in listen to the bear

now we also have overheard sent in from people around the world if you want to send one in to us you can send it in to spy

at maximumfun.org this first one comes from Dallin um Diamond Dallin. Diamond Dallin P? Yeah, yeah. Well, you're not supposed to say his last name.

Diamond Dallin P. Originally from Australia, but living in Germany at the moment. I work in a bar, and after serving two men numerous Long Island iced teas throughout the night, I overheard them, through my poor German skills, talking in the bathroom. Drunk guy one, what's the name of the drink we've been having? Drunk guy two. I think it's called Long Island Chihuahua. It's not a bad name for a drink.

I like a drunk guy. Long Island Chihuahua. was that what i was drinking in edmonton that night long island yeah but in a short glass and everybody said that it should have been an taller i've never had one before so but it was yummy huh what is it rummy uh rum coke rum and coke and something else yeah i thought it was a bunch of different alcohols all mixed together. Sure. Some syrup? Yeah, probably. And then an Arnold Palmer's just a lemonade and an iced tea. No alcohol.

That's a John Daly. Nice. We lost Arnold Palmer this year. We'll do our list of everyone who died at the end of the episode From the golf world Or just all over

Just from golf Ron Titleist Inventor of Titleist Dead at 29 Big Bertha After whom the club is named yeah dead at 29 sorry 27 she's up there jamming with jimmy yeah if you are famous from some other field you gotta jam with jimmy yeah can you go to the club sure you know like know, like, my favorite thing that there's a guy I follow on Twitter,

M. Kupperman, and he'll routinely go on these jags where he posts, like, the cartoonists, you know, the day after somebody famous dies, and there will be, like, a cartoon of somebody at Heaven's Gate, and there will be, like, a joke about the person's life. That is a weird tradition. Oh, yeah. That still keeps going. I wish you had more than zero examples.

Well, the one that he posted was as one of the weirdest was when Gene died and, like, God's thumb is coming out of the clouds and doing a thumbs up. So it's like, so you like that he's dead? What was the message there? What was the thought, you know? And so on and so forth. I found a lot of them, and a lot of them are just puns on the fact that they were a golfer or uh or somebody that

was fast i've seen some harold ramus one that was like similar to what we were talking about a ghost buster and he was there as a ghost and then they weren't shooting him or something like it was supposed to be busting him because he didn't bust him Yeah and that was nice What a tribute Perfect Tribute Oh good lord Um there's uh Uh when we went

To Max Funcon the first time Our yoga instructor Neil Pollack I follow him on Twitter and every time a celebrity dies He says RIP whoever. He or she is the reason I wanted to be blank. Oh, right. Yeah.

RIP Sharon Jones. She's the reason I wanted to be a dap king. Your next overheard comes from Carrie in Indianapolis. Hi, Carrie. How from Carrie in Indianapolis. Um, hi Carrie. Hi Carrie. How's everything in Indianapolis? Do you ever go to that grocery store where David Letterman worked?

Yeah, it's probably, uh, they've turned it into a museum dedicated to baggers. Uh, in a shopping center parking lot, a man and wife or male and female just exited the store that I was about to enter. Yeah, she's not allowed to pronounce them man and wife. Yeah, that's not her job. I passed by them in the parking lot where the man was yelling at the woman with the words I'm not nice. The hell I'm not nice.

I like the hell. The hell I'm not. Yeah, I don't know. That's a pretty good joke. But that's not... I don't ever hear anyone say, the hell. The hell I'm not nice. The hell I'm not.

Or like hell I'm not. Or whatever people say in screenplays. Like fun I'm not. That's the way to clean it up for if kids are around. This last one comes from Logan S. From Juliet, Georgia. Nice.

Yeah. What a fun, what a quaint town. Yeah. Little corner of the Americana, any town USA. I bet they drink a lot of

Arnold Palmer's down there. Oh boy. Fan themselves? Sure. My fiance and I were eating at the sushi bar. I wasn't expecting sushi bar in Juliet, Georgia. I was expecting maybe ribs. Left field.

Yeah, sure. A peach bar. Yeah, we were sitting down to eat peaches. And drink cola. A nice Japanese place in our town this couple was sitting down from us and had a few beers and a small sake and we're feeling pretty good uh during a pause in our conversation i hear the guy say to his girlfriend what was clearly meant to be a sexy low voice i want to just slap you across the face with this piece of ginger.

I mean, why not? Sexy. Pillow talk. Yeah, you're there anyways, you know. Well, question number one. Go. Have you ever been... Slapped in the face with ginger? That restaurant on Broadway in Canby called Old Ginger?

No. Is there a worse name for a restaurant? Yeah, that sucks. Question two. Yeah. Have you ever had sake? Yes. And would it have worked well

in that pun sandwich board I saw outside a restaurant? Yeah, so sake it to me? That kind of thing? Right out of my mouth. That's great. Is that what you were going to go for?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Sake's really nice. And you can drink a lot of it because it doesn't burn or anything. So you can drink a lot of it and not realize how much you've drank. But then you are so drunk.

Then you are so drunk. I don't love it. Have you had warm? Yeah, that's why I don't like it. Oh really? I've had it both ways. I haven't had any of it. You should try it. I bet I would like it. Oh, really? Yeah. I've had it both ways. Hmm. Yeah. I haven't had any of it. You should try it. I bet I would like it. Yeah.

Talk you to it. Thank you. Ah, shit. Yeah. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is, and I quote, it's the following number. 1-844-779-7631. That is one.

Ugh, SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Ray from Ohio. Hi, Ray. I wasn't overheard. My nieces were sitting at the table. They're about six and eight, and they were playing with their animal crackers. I wasn't overheard. My nieces were sitting at the table. They're about six and eight,

and they were playing with their animal crackers and eating their animal crackers and having a little conversation and playing with little animals and things. Animal crackers. And I walked by, and I wasn't really paying attention to the little role-playing that they were doing. And all of a sudden I heard one of them say,

If you tell anybody I killed that cop! And I didn't catch anything else after that. I'm going to stick a cheetah on you. What are the animal crackers in the... Oh, what are the current animal crackers? Yeah, seal. Yeah. Baby, I can pay you to a kiss from... And a little elephant. Oh, what are the current animal crackers? Yeah, seal. Yeah. Baby.

Yeah. I can pay you to a kiss. And a little elephant. Yeah. Elephant. Giraffe. Maybe a lion. Giraffe.

Yeah. Oh, they're safari ones, aren't they? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Hyena. Yeah, vulture. I would just name an animal. Yeah.

Hmm. What? Safari guide Jeep What are Yeah I can't think of anything From the safari world Oh hippo Oh yeah hippo

Yeah Elephant's not Maybe a rhino African elephant Yeah okay That reminded me of I walked past a little girl And walking her dog with her mom

And she was crying so loudly Cause her dog's ears had flipped inside out. Oh, yeah? She was like, Mom, they're inside out. And she's just, I'm like, yeah, I guess dogs don't have it so good, do they? That's what the mom said? No, that's what I said. Oh, I love it. I always put my dog's ears inside out.

Just flip them inside out. Oh, inside Makes him look like a koala It's so weird that you can do that Have you seen that Well there's that episode of Seinfeld Where Elaine is yelling out of a car I think And someone to flip his dog's ears back I hate it when they get that I hate it yeah

Alright here's your next phone call Hey podcast It's me Ben calling in unoverheard I hate it. Alright, here's your next phone call. Hey podcast, it's me, Ben, calling in an overheard. The other day I was waiting for my car at the mechanics when this obnoxious man walks in. This guy thinks he's the funniest guy in the world. He will not stop making jokes as the cashier is checking him out.

Everyone in the garage is getting very annoyed with him, especially the cashier. As he was finishing up, the cashier asked for his signature. The obnoxious man goes, oh, you want my Hancock? You know, they're a musical about my signature because it's so famous. It's called Hancock. And then the man exits the mechanics with an undeserved amount of pride.

Sounds pretty cool. At first I thought your description of him was maybe too mean, but then following that I was like, boo boy. I mean, I love a guy who says, oh, you want my Hancock? I like that, but then he

goes on this musical rant. Speaking of Hancock That was the last Oscar worthy movie That Will Smith made Oh yeah There's the drunk superhero Right

Nothing affected him But alcohol That was a weird Have you seen Is that what it was Yeah I never saw it Like he was a superhero

That was He was a drunk Did it give him Superpowers He was only a superhero When he was drunk No no no, he was a drunk. Did it give him superpowers? He was only a superhero when he was drunk? No, no, no. Oh, that would have been a good movie, actually. There's a movie.

Yeah. But the thing that made him drunk was spinach? No, you know what? It's a very aggravating movie because it changes its whole plot halfway through. And it's not about that anymore. Yeah. Like, all of a sudden, you're like, oh, I'm watching a completely different movie. Right. So, can we spoil it?

Yeah, probably. Everybody gather your family around the Boxing Day television. Watch it tonight. But this doesn't spoil anything. Jason Bateman is likable in it. He really is. Wow. Here's your final overheard of 2016. Oh my goodness. Hi Dave.

Hi Graham. Hi venerable guest. This is Julia calling from Ohio with a tipsy overread. My husband and I were watching No Country for Old Men on Netflix and in America they

have literally the best description for it ever. A hard-lucked dude finds enough money to start over. But a certain individual with a weird haircut has other plans. I mean, yeah,

that's part of it anyways. Is she drunk and about to watch this movie? That's a weird combo. Hold off. I got to call in. This can't wait. I want to watch this movie.

I can barely get my head up. She's not going to make it through. I want to get drunk and watch Hancock. Oh, it's not on here. I just want to stay awake long enough to see the coin flip. That would be a hard movie to watch drunk, think it's a lot of long quiet pauses you know there's i don't know what a good i guess i don't watch movies drunk a good drunk film when i i know when i come home from like the bar or whatever i want to watch something

jason statham in it or you know something like I'll watch a crank I'll watch a jackass sure yes I will watch a jackass and then the .5

version that came out just on video yeah I've seen all the jackasses me too I just got through

them again oh that's fun there's a part of me at the end of the last one where I was like, I kind of hope these guys just make one of these every 10 years. Like, just get back together and just hurt themselves.

More and more hurt. 10 years. Just going by. Like, everyone gets balder and balder until they can't, like, run by and shave each other's head. Then they'll have to do the opposite. They'll have to go by with glue and put glue on their head. They just end up like doing segments. I'm like, how far can we push this hotel checkout?

Let's see. Yeah, pretty far. Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. This whole year. We did it, guys. We got through it of this year. Year. Podcast. This whole year. We did it, guys. We got through it in one piece. Hooray. Do you have anything?

I will remember you. Yeah. Being wilder this time. Yeah. John Clubhouse, who invented the. I forgot it was golf related. Yeah. Rodney Caddyshack Susan Cart

27 age 27 I think that's all of them that's everything Jennifer Ballwasher do you have anything Yeah, that's everything. Jennifer Ballwasher. Fuck. Do you have anything coming up in 2017 that you would like to plug? Yeah, okay.

We're doing Chicago Sketch Fest on January 6th and 7th. Cool. So we'll be there doing that. You're called Peter and Chris? Peter and Chris. And then we'll be doing San Francisco You're called Peter and Chris Peter and Chris And then we'll be doing San Francisco Sketch Fest With Peter and Chris Nice January 14th and 15th

In San Francisco And I Think that's about it I can't remember the other dates For the end of January But That's enough That's enough

Too good Yes Can they Find Where can people find you online Peterandchris.com Sure We got a lot of new videos That we just recorded too So That's enough. That's too good. Where can people find you online? Peterandchris.com. We've got a lot of new videos that we just recorded too.

So you can check those out on YouTube. Hooray! A lot of vids. And people can catch your 3.30am tweets. Yeah, yeah. Stay tuned for those. What's your Twitter? Well, they'll be at 11am.

Oh, I'm Chris Wilson. Okay, so you're Chris Wilson. Letter I, letter M,ris wilson oh i'm chris wilson i'm him and uh yeah i'll stay tuned i mean we'll get them yeah at 11 o'clock here that's good that's well we'll get them at 8 a.m here probably oh yeah right eight nine ten yep yeah oh you know what you could actually tweet them at 3 30 aam Your time and we'd see them at midnight Yeah prime time Pretty good time I don't know Thank you very much for being our guest

Thank you for having me Out there you people Hey you no you the other guy And you the drunk lady watching Netflix If you like the show uh why don't you head over to maximumfun.org check out the blog recap of this episode pictures and videos of all the things we That was it. Yeah.

And also. Jackass. Oh, yeah. Post that planet Earth snake thing. The snake thing. Yeah. Yeah. So tense.

Also, we have shows February 11th in Chicago. Yes. February 23rd here in Vancouver. February, March 4th. February, March 4th. February, March 4th. In Banff, Alberta. Tickets for those are in the episode recap right at

MaximumFun.org. Yeah, watch that video of the snake chasing the lizard. And then come see us in Banff. Yeah! And tell us your thoughts. And thanks everybody for listening through this whole year. uh you know i'll see you in 2017

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