Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 459 - Pete Johansson

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Comedian Pete Johansson joins us to talk Starbucks, gingerbread, and typing speed.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 459 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who always knows the frequency, Mr. Dave Shumka. What is the frequency? 49.7 gigahertz.

Oh boy, you're going to see some serious shit. I don't know why 49.7 is a number of gigahertz that i have in my head but i know it's 1.21 gigawatts um and it takes two to tango yeah and one is the loneliest number uh-huh and then three's a crowd and four baby four more years yeah four years. And I'll be shouting that in 2020. It is enough, etc. And our guest today, returning guest to the podcast. Very funny. Long sabbatical.

Yeah, you've been well, you've been all over the world. Mr. Pete Johansson is our guest. You guys could have come to England. It's so far away. Yeah, I went over there a couple of times. Edinburgh's. Edinburgh's. Yeah. We saw you at Edinburgh's Edinburgh's Yeah We hung out in Edinburgh's

A couple of times Did you Are you going to Edinburgh's This year I'm still debating right now It's all about coming up With a good title Oh yeah

A good pun Yeah A good pun will send you To Edinburgh I haven't really come up What about A show with you Or just

This is just the name Of the show It doesn't have to be About this Pete's a pie And then there's It's you with a giant Slice of pie Or maybe you're show with you or just this is just the name of the show it doesn't have to be about this pizza pie and then there's it's you with a giant slice of pie

or maybe you're baked into a pie but the way I do stuff I'd have to do an hour on pizza pie because I that would be great that would be good

no comics really done a lot of pizza jokes do they in England let's get to know us yeah get to know us so we. Get to know us. So we call a pizza pie a pizza pie.

Yeah. We don't. Who calls it a pizza pie? Cartoon. Yeah, cartoon dads. Cartoon Italians. Yeah. Because in England, they're a pie-heavy culture.

Oh, yeah. All the Cornish pizza pie, folded up and then filled with, like, paste. Yeah. Would that confuse them to call it a pizza? Yeah. Everything would confuse them. They're drunk. Everybody in that country at any given hour is drunk.

What an amazing place. Yeah. There was that, uh, somebody posted, uh, like, uh,

it's kind of those Google maps with the red kind of teardrop that shows a location. Everyone's crying blood. It's an upside down teardrop. Like somebody in prison. Oh. Like a pin point? Yeah, yeah. But they showed it was a map of every pub in England.

And it just looked like poppy fields. You just couldn't distinguish one from the next. Was there one area where there weren't any? Or was it like... I like the water. Was there one area where there weren't any? Or was it like. I like the water. Yeah. Stone hinge.

There's even a couple in the water. Yeah, there must be floating pubs. Yeah, yeah. Like an old oil derrick where they've got a couple of pints. It is. Yeah, it's kind of a part. It really is part of the culture. I saw a trailer for a documentary about the epidemic of alcoholism and in Great Britain. And I was like, I couldn't even make it through the trailer.

It was such a bummer. Yeah. Oh yeah. Well, they have these mobile triage units that they set up on the weekends in cities like Newcastle and Leeds, um, where, and they just consider it normal. Like that's just. Triage for alcohol poisoning? Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. And, and. and they just consider it normal. Like, that's just. Triage for alcohol poisoning? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.

And on the big. What do they do? Just pump stomachs all night? Basically. And they have these places where they take care of. Just running. Rod Stewart shows up. Hey, guys, I know what you heard.

They pump the stomach right back into a keg, back into the bar. The cheap shots. No, it's interesting though, because I don't know if I'd want to cure them. Like, it is such part of their culture and they love it so much and they don't want to hear us tell them they're alcoholics. Maybe we're the ones, we got the problem. Maybe, yeah. Being sober and constructing stuff and moving forward. Yeah, you got the problem. Maybe, yeah. Being sober and constructing stuff and moving forward.

Yeah, you got the problem. But if you wanted to go, like, meet with somebody over anywhere in England, you'd go to the pub. Yeah. Oh, the first meeting with any agent or industry, that's where I was shocked with the most. Yeah. Like, I'd go, you got a meeting with so-and-so. It's like, oh, where are we meeting? Oh, just down the pub over a pint.

For a business meeting? Yeah, and then you look at your watch and you're like, yeah, I guess. It's 11 a.m. I guess I don't have a lot of stuff to do. at 10 a.m. you take a whiskey drink.

11, a lager drink. Noon, cider drink. That was actually a self-help song in the UK. That was one of the

most popular selling albums of the Improve Yourself this year by Jumbo Wumbo. Because here you would go for coffee. Yeah. You would go for coffee or.

Or in Vancouver you'd go for a wheatgrass squeeze. Yeah. You could go for juice, cold pressed juice. But, you know, you would go for a lunch maybe. Yeah. In most places. But there would be the pub. A pub.

But they work on their screenplay in a pub. They work on, they go for a bite. Their life's in the pub. It's a conversational center point. It's more of a, it's more of a social location. So then they would drink and then go about their day. So when they're working on their screenplay. I'm going to be honest with you.

They do function better with it. Right. I mean, I think we're more prone to binge drinking a little more over here. I think that's why we're not, that's why all the laws, we can't be trusted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we've rioted twice over nothing. So in England, when they're in a pub working on their screenplay, do they write out, or do they just say, yakety-thacks?

I'm laughing and I don't get it. Benny Hill! I just wanted to be part of the team and I didn't understand that. You've done comedy in England. Well, in the last 50 years, not in the previous 50 where the Benny Hill comes in. I don't think Benny Hill's popular over there. I think that was popular over here of them. Sure.

It's like how Jerry Lewis is a hero in France. Is he? No. That's something that was like a baby. It was a. I don't know if he is today. No, but that was. Yeah.

Well, they're pretty anti-Semitic in France. That's. I don't know if that's true. There's a lot of, it's a very multicultural city and there's a lot of tension in France. That's, I don't know if that's true. There's a lot of, it's a very multicultural city and there's a lot of tension in France. I have a lot of pity for the French disenfranchised, man. Like you go to London. You pity les fous.

Well, you get, you go to London, you got like the poor and the immigrants and they're outside of London, the poor in the more affordable areas. But they're connected. Like you go out to those zones and they have got banks and grocery stores and a connection on the tube line. When you get outside of Paris, they, they, they treat the poor so bad. They don't even give them anything.

Like there's no stores. There's no buses. What do they do? They're just these high rises in the middle of freaking nowhere. There's nothing. There's like nothing to do out there. No stores. And you can't get out of it.

Like they give them a place to, it sounds like, oh, a place to live and all this stuff, but then you're cut off. There's no, they don't have a. The Metro doesn't go out to those areas. It's like, it's a, it's pretty scary kind of thing, you know? Let them eat cake is what I say. Yeah. That's the worst that's going to happen.

I don't think living in Vancouver we can cast stones about other people's social management. I cast as many stones a day as possible. I get in my glass house, pick up a load of stones. I put on Billy Joel's glass houses. What do you got to do? That was like the best cover of an album. What was it? It's him about to throw a rock through

a glass house? It says everything. Wasn't there a Raffy album where he had a glass house too? Oh yeah, but he's, yeah.

Yeah, but he didn't throw stones. It was probably the whole album was about not. He chucked a beluga. A beluga?

Maybe beluga? They're the tiniest of the whales. Oh yeah. Everybody tosses them. So adorable. I know, right? So, Pete.

No. What's new? Since you were last here. I got nothing going on. Well, you moved. You were living in London. Oh, that's true. You moved to Toronto.

Thank you, Graham. Graham's my friend. He knows what's going on. You're back. You're back in the country. We had coffee on my patio because you were allergic to my cat. I am allergic to your cat. Yeah, I moved back to Canada.

I'm like, I'm like the Nostradamus of the world. Wait a minute. Okay. Who's Nostradamus then? He's super popular. I don't know. I was trying to think of a country he'd be popular in, but in crazy land. Um, okay. So I kind of knew things weren't going well in the UK, like by opening my eyes and looking around.

Not going well for everyone. Yeah. Right. Okay. It was kind of, I like the British people. I like the, there's so much of the culture. I like the comedy to a certain degree. The clubs are great, but the comedy club system is kind of, kind of on its teetering edge.

And then I, there's a lot of xenophobia and a lot of anger. And was, uh, was it, was Brexit being discussed when you were still living there? Yeah. They were talking about that. And I was like, ah, this isn't going to end well. And, uh, so. And it, and it did. It ended perfectly well.

Everybody won. The end. They all lived happily ever after. I still, I still go back like about four or five months of the year to the UK and I, I really enjoy it, but I don't want to live there anymore. And that's a, it's a kind of a, and I wanted to come to Canada cause I thought the quality of life was, I remember everything being good here and everybody. And I gotta be honest with you. I'm so much more social in Canada.

Yeah. The British people are nice, but they don't want any more friends. Well, you gotta go to the pub. Yeah. And oh yeah. When I went to, but I found like, come on, it's just, it's so easy to make friends in Canada. Is that right? I got 36 years of evidence that suggests otherwise.

I'd say Americans are the nicest, but we're a close second, you know, when it comes to like the gregariousness of the world. second, you know, when it comes to like the gregariousness of the world. So if you're, uh, like where, where are you meeting people? Just, just in comedy circles or are you? Well, that's the great thing about Canada. You make jokes in, in lineups in Canada and you meet people.

You do, you do that in, in Tesco in London and people pick up their stuff and change aisles. We got a jokester over here. Save it for the pub. Yeah. Like it's, there's just a, there's a jokester over here. Save it for the pub. There's just a more interactive sort of thing. And I know it's irritating to some people, but I meet people all the time here. It's just quite nice. It is funny

when you're telling a joke to somebody in line or somewhere and somebody else hears it and laughs. It feels pretty good. Oh, I'm always a little like, oh no, I've been naughty. Someone overheard me. There was a real cracker in the always a little like, oh no, I've been naughty. Someone overheard me. There was a real cracker in the lineup a little while ago at this truck stop I was at. And he was, I think he was a trucker because he kind of fit the image of it, but he was busting everybody up.

Like, and he was, he was playing front and in front of him and behind him, like in the aisle, like, and spreading the jokes out. Yeah. Like he was working the line. I was like, he was killing. He was killing. And then you wonder, like, is this, he was working the line. I was like, he was killing. He was killing. And then you wonder, like, is this new material or does he have, like, a set that he's just going from line up to line up? I never even thought of that. I was like, I am like one of those new comedy watchers that thinks the comics make it up every time.

Yeah. I don't know. Maybe he's got patter. How disappointing will I be if I see him in another lineup? Like, I've never heard this stuff before. You're like, oh, God damn. he's doing the national inquirer material yeah because i met a guy i did a gig once and he was so funny and then he dropped me off at the airport the next day and he was doing the same banter with somebody that he bumped into

at the airport it was fine but i was I was like, that was good banter. You're a fraud, Mr. Yeah, in my head, I was like, I've been lied to. Well, I think we all know people who make the same jokes to waitresses. Yeah. I do the same, wouldn't I break a window

every time something's too expensive? That's a pretty good line. Just mine. That's another one I i do i think a funny one is i did i've only had the opportunity to do it once and sunny is sunny dolly well to remind me that i did this is that uh somebody brought over the checks like they were all separated and I picked up the thing and said, I'll take care of this. This is yours. This is yours. That's a good one. That's a really good game.

Mine is every time they bring the check, I always say, is there a naughty way I can work this off? And then I get out my sexy rubber gloves, do some dishes. Pete looks horrified Pete's gone into some kind of place no no no no no no no no no Dave no naughty

that's that's not what you do though no I don't talk i say i i don't talk to human beings you only talk when you're here yeah yeah yeah i'm outside i've never seen you speak i only like outside of doing this podcast i am kept in a chamber a hyperbaric chamber you do look good thank you yeah you do like is the, what's the magic? Having lots of kids? Yeah, two. Almost two. I harvest the stem cells out of them.

No, I don't. You look great. Thank you. So do you. Seriously? No, I can't tell if you're. What do you mean? I can't tell if you're being serious. Why would I?

No, you look great. Because I know how old you are and you look great. Thank you. I'm so old. I don Cause I know how old you are And you look great Thank you I'm so old I don't actually know how old you are Are you It's just Wikipedia They keep fucking changing it back to the right age

Every time I change it Have you really done that? Yeah I tried to take two years off it a couple of times And it's like right back the next day Cause I Someone I share a birthday with Jared Fogle.

Oh, happy birthday, Jared Fogle. It's not today. No, but I missed it this year. But it changed. It was December 1st forever. And now it's August something. So I don't know if some other. If you go to prison, they take like a month off your birthday.

Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. If you go to prison, they take like a month off your birthday. Yeah. Oh no. Yeah. If you go to prison, you don't, they assign you a birthday. Cause I don't want everybody else to know it's your birthday too. That's like the last thing you want. Yeah. Oh, that's true.

Pedophile birthday. Not the best celebration you'll ever have in jail. I wonder how he's doing in jail. Probably fine. I don't care. Yeah. I mean, I guess that's the right attitude. Even before I found out he was a monster, I didn't care.

No, that's true. It's part of that. I feel guilty that my brain knows who he is. Why do I know the name of a spokesman for a sandwich company? Sure. What a freaking waste of a couple of neurons. I know Grimace's birthday, but Grimace is different. He's purple and I don't know what he does.

Is he good or bad? That's the thing. I know the Hamburglar is bad. He started bad. Did he? Yeah. He used to steal shakes. This is.

Grimace was a shake stealer? Yeah. And he had six arms and all the more arms to steal shakes with. I'm sorry. Grimace had six arms? Yeah, and he was a bad guy. Is he born from the Hindu? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was trying to broaden their appeal as they moved internationally. But then they didn't, they were like, we already have a guy whose whole thing is stealing. So then they just made Grimace a happy idiot. He's a taste bud? He's supposed to be a taste bud, but he represents milkshakes. How do they know what a taste bud looks like? That was before a microscope when they came up with it. In the 60s?

It was before Van Leeuwenhoek ever looked at it. Does Grimace have a wife? Yeah. Oh, he does? I don't know. wife yeah oh he does backstory on the mcdonald's gang coupled uh like i think the fry guys probably sure playing around each other yeah exactly i don't know mcnugget buddies i don't birdie's got you know who's birdie birdie's though i don't know. She's maybe in charge of chicken. No, she's representative of all the breakfast menu. Oh, okay.

He's the early bird. I honestly only know Grimace, the Hamburglar and Ronald, which is creepy. And so here are some, some of the other weird ones that didn't continue. Uh, there's quite a few. Uh, and I know this cause, uh, uh, Sean Proudlove, when we lived together, he was an official. Like, he knew all of this stuff. So there was a scientist. There was, like, a professor.

He makes the McNuggets. I don't know what he was in charge of. In the four McNuggets. This piece is just both chicken and food. There was a captain. He was a representative of the Filet-O-Fish. Oh, sure. There was a captain. He was a representative of the Filet-O-Fish. Oh, sure. There was Mayor McCheese. Oh, right.

I remember him. And then there was Constable Big Mac. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Constable? Yeah. He wore like the British style, which is weird, right? Constable? Yeah. But they had a captain? You would recognize Constable Big Mac. He's one of the more famous ones. And then later they had a captain You would recognize Constable Big Mac He's one of the more famous ones

And then later they had Mac Tonight Oh I remember him Didn't they put him in a building And then for a hundred years And then a builder found him and took him out And then he started singing And they would only sing when people

When he was alone with them You're thinking of a little frog that did that. Is that not? That's not Max Knight. I don't even get the reference. You know the Hello My Baby frog? That's not him? No.

He was... The Hello My Baby frog was kept in a bin for a hundred years. You didn't see the Hello My Baby? He would only dance for the one guy, the construction worker. I only know him as a- And when you see him, money signs become your pupils.

Yeah, yeah. Like, ding! This guy, this guy, so then he takes- Because everybody dreams of being an agent. I miss that. Yeah. Because that used to be a big thing of like,

if they, if they discover him, they'll put him on stage. Yeah. Yeah, so they discover him. That's all I do in comedy clubs now is cha-ching. He rents out a hall. He puts him on stage.

The frog won't dance. It's usually a talking dog, I think. Yeah. Talking dog. You'll be a millionaire. It would be funny to watch the Hello, My Baby Frog get voted off American's Got Talent immediately. Yeah.

As he just sang that last week. That would be a great audition for America's Got Talent. You just come out with this dead frog and you're like, no, he was just doing it. Nick Cannon is there. Yeah. It just feels bad for you. I got a picture with Nick Cannon. Yeah.

Oh, why? Oh, get out. I want the story. Where did you meet Nick Cannon? Just backstage at the Comedy Works. Remember when he was, I think he said he was a comic to people. Oh, he was the world's youngest stand-up comedian. Was he?

Well, I think he started doing stand-up when he was like 13. Oh, okay. Well, that beats me and Boyd. When did you start? 16. 16. Okay, that beats me and Boyd. When did you start? 16. 16. Okay. That's early.

Boyd started at 16. Boyd who? Boyd Banks. Boyd Banks. Yeah. Does he still do stand-up? Yeah. I saw his penis last week.

Oh, right. He was the guy who got naked at- Joanna Downey's Memorial. Yeah, yeah. He was- Was he singing? Yeah. It was actually really funny because

he got naked and he better have been if you get naked at a memorial and it's not it doesn't go over well but it didn't go over well at first he goes i think i took this too far it was just like the best line it's hard because then you can't get your clothes back on fast enough to kind of retract it didn't care yeah and it was i've never been in a room full of more love. It was unbelievable. What a beautiful testament to true outpouring of a community, loving somebody. It's fantastic. They got a good community out there.

Well, I was really surprised at how good. I'll tell you one thing about the Toronto comedy community. It has the funniest female comics I've seen anywhere on the planet right now. There you go. I mean, British female community scene is fantastic, but right now the most innovative comedy I've seen on the earth without gender, uh, signing it is coming out of the

women in Toronto. There you go. Absolutely. You heard it here first. Yeah. Uh, well that's great. Yeah. Yeah.

It's just mind bogglingly good. What else do you like about living in Toronto? Have you ever lived in Toronto before? No, I did for six months back when I was younger and I moved away right immediately because I didn't like it. I was like, I don't like this at all. Where did you grow up? In Kelowna. Ah.

And not every place is heaven after that. Except Toronto, apparently. No, but I like Toronto a lot now, like a lot. But I guess it was also, you know, you're younger and you're looking for different things, you know, and I,

but now I really. Would you say you still haven't found what you're looking for? Ah, I think I know what I'm being trapped into. Maestro?

This, this, the Beatles, right? Yeah. Oh yeah. No, it's the B-52s.

B-52s. Love, love, check. I'm, is that them? I don't know. Yeah, that's them. Yeah, that's B-52s. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, it's a B52. B52s. Um, I'm, um, is that them? I don't know. Yeah, that's B52s. Oh, and Rock Lobster. Is that him? That's him.

I do like Toronto a lot. Um, I find it, uh, I love the multiculturalism. Uh, love a lot of the aspects of the city that, uh, it's just, it's very comfortable. And I used to think they were very aloof, but I guess after living in London, they seem pretty warm. Oh, are Londoners aloof? Yeah, very much so. Okay. Yeah, notoriously so.

You could have a heart attack on the tube and have people step over you. Oh, that's where that movie takes place. That one about the woman who dies in the apartment and nobody notices her for years. It was like a big news story a few years ago. People care about her. the woman who dies in the apartment and nobody notices her for years. It was like a big news story a few years ago. People care. They left her power on. Nobody.

Oh. Yeah. So her TV was on. People didn't want to be rude. Well, yeah. Yeah. That's a huge issue over there. They don't want to, they don't want to be ashamed. They don't want to be embarrassed.

That's such a big deal of their motivations, which is kind of strange. But the other thing is, is that they're very close. I'm not saying they're not unfriendly. They're just friendly to their friends. They just don't. But how do they make those friends? A lot of it's from schools. That's why it's so clicky over there.

Like in the BBC, everybody went to Cambridge and Oxford. Like they're all buddies from, from college. They all rode together. They all crewed together. It's just everybody there that's involved in the structure of things is sort of this uh their ivy league sort it's not they don't call it ivy league it's just oxbridge they call it why do they why do we call it ivy league i think because the schools have ivy yeah they on their walls because they're old i never thought of that i just thought it was one of those crazy

terms that had some sort of historical but it is literally just because there's ivy on the- I guess all of them had ivy. So do mausoleums, though. Yeah. So does Wrigley Field. Oh, yeah. Man, yeah. They're in the ivy league. Yeah.

And you know what lives in ivy? Rats. Oh, yeah. You don't like rodents. I know that from being here for 15 minutes. Yeah. Well, no. Who embraces rats?

I know lots of people that love rats. Willard. Yeah, Ben. Really? Ben the rat. He's a... Ben... Who's the rat in Charlotte's Web?

Isn't that the song Michael Jackson sang to a rat? Yeah. Nobody plays that anymore. That's a great song. It's a great song for rats. On the radio, I guess? Think of any other rat song. Even by rat.

Rat didn't write any rat songs. They're just round and round. There's no rat song in there. On the radio, I guess? Think of any other rat song. Oh. Even by rat. Rat didn't write any rat songs. They're just round and round. There's no rat song in there. I wonder. That could be about a rat, though. When you think about it, you could be on the wheel chasing around.

That's probably what that song's about. Oh, Graham and I are busting our brains trying to think of other rat songs. trying to think of other rat songs.

Oh, stumped you with the rat songs. Sure, yeah. Like, you can even throw a black, I guess, Ring Around the Rosie, technically. That's a rat song. Uh-huh. Because that's about the plague. Boom. Yeah.

Look at that. Good. Yeah, why don't people like rats more? These plague spreaders. They're pretty adorable, though. Like, if you had to choose between a mouse and a cat, a cat or a mouse and a rat, you'd pick a cat. Okay. The rats got the cute cheeks and they're smart.

And they can damage houses by chewing through the thing. Wow, you're so obsessed with property. Like, wow, you're just Vancouverite all the way through. Oh, yeah. What's the resale value of all this stuff? Oh, my God. Oh, any drywall I can find in a rat's belly. I'm good. What about the starving rat value of all this stuff? Oh, my God. Oh, any drywall. What about the starving? I'm trying to find in a rat's belly.

I'm good. What about the starving rat? He needs some foods. Oh, they're well fed in this city. Our compost program. Oh, do they like compost piles? They love them. Who doesn't?

That's true. Kids, young and old Playing in banana peels They're the warmest place in Vancouver right now You can heat your house with a compost, I was told Yeah, but what's the smell factor on it? You should be able to heat your house with dirty laundry Because then I'd be warm all the time What's your laundry cycle?

What do you want? Once a week? Once every two weeks? How many pairs of underwear do you own? I have about, and I'm not lying to you, I have easily 200 pairs of underwear. Wow. I have three drawers of underwear. So you could go a month.

They're all the same brand. And they're all the, yeah. I just went and bought a ton more because the company's going bankrupt. Oh, what company? American Apparel. Oh. I have the, I just, it just, it's the, I'm a boring dresser, but I wear colored underwear. Sure.

Fun. Yeah. But like, do you wait until you go through all 200 pairs before you do laundry or you want to? No, no, no. Because that's, I just go until I run out of underwear. The problem is I travel so much. So I often buy when I'm traveling and I bring them home.

Right. And just, I acquire more and I don't mean to, cause I've, I, to be honest with you, I went consciously to buy less and less clothes over the last six years. Right. Cause I didn't want to be part of the problem of the, the cycle of clothes.

You know, the, the, it's just, it's not good. The cycle of clothes. Yeah. But you know, it's, it's just, I's not good. The cycle of clothes. Yeah. But you know, it's just, I didn't want to be, I don't want to talk about that stuff because I'm not an activist, but I was just trying to do. Underwear wise you are. Underwear wise I'm a, I'm a dick. Do you think you could last the rest of your life underwear without buying new underwear?

Well, I do. Here's the problem. I'm fat. And. You do, you do burn through undies a lot faster. I never had this problem when I was thin, but I am busting waistbands now. I'm putting the pressure on them. But you don't hear one snap in the middle of the day.

I have. Really? That's not a thing that's not unfamiliar to me. I won't say it's a daily thing. I mean, it's about as often as Jared Fogle's birthdays, but it happens. So twice a year. About as welcome, I'm sure. But do you hear that kind of stretching noise before it's done?

It'll usually be that I'm doing something. It'll be one of the rare occasions I'm trying to help somebody lift something, which I hate doing, by the way. Anything on the floor is just not my business. I'm too tall. It's a broad policy. No, but I'm a shelf guy. Like you got something on a shelf. I'm there.

Let me get that down off of there. Let me help you with that up there. But you, if you're doing the floor, go get somebody who's under six, four. Yeah. I'm not, that's not my zone. Are you six, four? Yeah. And that's not my area.

The, the, I barely, me and my feet meet seldom. Like, we're just not involved. My wife knows my feet better than I know my feet. I bet she does. What the fuck does that mean, Dave? I know what you're into. Wait, really? You've had any snap on it?

This isn't bad coffee. It's not bad? It's not bad. I was doubtful, but. Yeah, no, it seemed a little weak to me. I don't usually make such a big pot. We've got a full house for the holidays, so I'm just making. Oh, that's, you should do a movie.

What were you saying, Graham? The famous Full House movie? Has that been done? It's a TV show. It's a television show. Oh, is it Full House? Yeah. Yeah.

And then Fuller House. Did they release season two yet of Fuller House? Oh, man. I've seen it. How is? Oh, boy. I didn't watch the first one. Is that, did they get all the Dave Coulier back?

Yep. Oh, they need Alanis to write one more song about him. Yeah. Yeah, reprise. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. Yeah, reprise. Yeah, it's bad.

Here's the weird thing about the second season is they had all these, like, seasonal... Affected disorder? Yeah. I think that's sad. Yeah. They all had to have, like, a sunlight simulator in the house. But it had, like, a Halloween episode and a Thanksgiving episode. And I'm like, everybody's just going to watch this over a day and a half. Right.

You don't need to space this out like it's on network television. Oh, that's a really good observation. Yeah. Because the shift, because we all binge watch. Yeah. So you don't need to go through, I guess it's easier to write those. You know how they did 24? They should do another series that where you're binge watching in real time.

And just like just call it six and then three of the four of them are like just time where they're sleeping and you're sleeping yeah like where netflix is telling you like time to go to bed um that would be good they should do that with full house and just have them in the house for eight hours yeah yeah exactly just one day in the house for eight hours. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Just one day in the life of the Full House. Do they have? They should have, Full House should have like some sort of tricks that they have to figure out to get out of the house and make it like one of those.

Like Saw? Yeah. No, with those houses that they have now, have you ever been to those? Oh, an escape room. Yeah, there should be an escape Full House. Yeah. they have now. You've ever been to an escape?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. What? I've never watched a like one of these old timey sitcoms that they've redone as a new timey

streaming thing. Yeah. Do they have commercial breaks? Like, do they have a spot where you would take a commercial break?

No, that's something they need to do on Netflix to fake old commercials. Yeah. That's what they bring back that sort of thing.

But to have fake that's what we'll do. Let's do it. Okay. We're going to do a show now and we're going to have, but most of it will be the fake commercials because that'll be the new thing because we're going to all miss commercials soon. It is kind of weird that a couple of weeks ago I ended up watching, some people put these

on YouTube, like one hour of 80s commercials. Right. And I'll just sit there and watch an hour. You know what I've watched a ton of is schoolhouse rocks. Oh yeah. They're, they're fantastic. Like pretty good.

Is that, I never saw that. It was that like the, I'm a bell. Yeah. Yeah. But there's, but there's like literally hundreds of them and they're all,

they teach all sorts of things, but they're very us propagandistic, you know, like a shot heard around the world. propaganda stick, you know, like, uh, shot heard around the world and like, uh, you know, it's very jingoistic. Godless. Yeah.

That was one of my favorite songs. Dirty atheist commies coming to burn your Bible. But now the way those, those would be on during the commercial breaks or before or in between programs or something? I honestly don't remember where I saw them. I think I was just like a baby. Yeah. They still have like two-minute shows that they will show between kids' shows now.

Really? That are just like educational? You know which one I remember is... Picture pages? Yuck Mouth. Oh, okay. I got some geek in my teeth, got some chicken too. Ouch, that's a cavity.

Hey, that's new. So if you don't brush your teeth and get them clean, you'll be a Yuck Mouth. Wow. You don't remember that one? No. No, Yuck Mouth. That sounds like a slur. Yeah.

What about the wagon wheel? There's a couple that taught you to eat. Chew, chew, chew, then you swallow. Don't forget to breathe, yo. There was one that was like maybe a weird guy that was a protein that wore a cowboy hat. Yes, that's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah. The wagon wheel. It was that's the one I'm thinking of. Yeah. The wagon wheel.

It was. It was like an old West theme. Instead of having a Sunday, have a Saturday with cottage cheese and something. That's right. Yeah. If anyone listening knows the answer to what we're talking about, don't write us. We don't give a shit. We'll figure it out before the episode comes out.

David. Why? Why so disinterested in your past? But I never knew this. You know that you're destined to repeat this bad eating if you don't watch these old things. Sure, that's true. That's what his priest taught us. Yeah, I haven't thought about that.

Remember the one, don't elect a dystopian ruler? Just because he was on a popular show. If we would have watched that. Oh man. Kids still have that. Don't blame me. I voted for Probst.

Yeah, well, you know what? When he wears that khaki outfit, you're like, he really is a They still make that. They still make Survivor.

He released his own nude picture. That's the one thing about him That I find quite Jeff Probst? Yeah yeah That one

It was on the internet And he acted like Oh man Somebody got a hold Of a nude picture And everybody's like I didn't see this But I'm gonna look it up

Right now Cause you know what It's okay to be curious Yeah yeah Absolutely That was one of those Other cartoons It's okay to be curious That's why That's why. That was one of those other cartoons. It's okay to be curious. That's why, who's the guy,

who's the tough guy now that everybody likes? Who's in The Revenant? Don't say the bear. Leonardo DiCaprio? No, Tom Hardy. Yeah, Tom Hardy. He had some naked pictures that I circulated a lot because he made me feel way better about myself. Well, he was naked in that British movie. Do you see this thing, Graham? Huh? Have you seen this?

No, no, no. Do you want to? Yeah, sure. Uh-oh. Oh, hey. All right. Nice horn. Yeah, good horn, bud.

I'm not. I'm not. Pretty good horn there, bud. I'm not as curious. I like my penises close and real. I was watching the Survivor finale the other day. Uh-huh. Is it still on? That's what blew me away, is that it's still on. I was watching the Survivor finale the other day.

Is that still on? That's what blew me away, is that it's still on. It's still the exact same thing. I actually really enjoyed the first season. And Jeff Rose does it all in the nude now. I enjoyed the first few seasons, but they're all the same. That's the problem. My problem with all reality shows is I don't care about the people on any level, and I want to know none of the backstory about them.

I don't want to know their families. I don't want to know why they're doing it. I just want to see what they're doing. That's why I like, my favorite stuff is dual survival. I used to like that show a lot, but they keep having to fire people because they're lying about their ability to be on it. I don't know that. Okay.

Oh, where they drop people off into. No, yeah, but it's two guys. And one claims to be, he was a, he was a green beret in the thing. And then they had this thing. And this other guy, there was this Arizona, he's a naturist. He's lived in nature for four years and together they will survive the worst thing. And it turned out the guy was lying about being a green beret. Yeah, he's like, I owned a green beret.

It was actually chartreuse. But the other guy is like this total dedicated kind of, I don't want to use the term hippie because it's not, it's not like that. He's just in touch with nature and he's all about natural stuff. And he would get so frustrated with these macho because he wasn't, he wasn't masculine at all. He's not like, I don't know how to describe it, but he wasn't like a jerk. Right. You know, but he didn't wear shoes ever. Okay.

He was barefoot through the entire series. I bet you the Green Berets. But that's the whole, that's 90 He was barefoot through the entire series. I bet you the Green Berets hated that. But that's 90% of the jokes all the way through. If he was wearing shoes, we wouldn't have this problem. What is he doing in the Arctic without shoes? Like I very rarely go up to the Arctic. The way I knew I didn't care about any of these survivor people was one season of Survivor, they had the most devious person ever on the show

named Russell. And then a few seasons later, I had stopped watching but they had ads for the new season of Survivor as one of the most amazing reveals. And it's the guy saying, I'm Russell's nephew.

Oh no! That almost put me to sleep hearing it third hand. Oh, no. That almost put me to sleep hearing it third hand. Like, wow. Wasn't it this year it was Gen X versus Millennials? Gen X is like, we gave them the world and they threw it away.

What? We didn't have anything to do with anything. That's why we're considered Gen X. We didn't care. No, man. We're the builders. We're the greatest generation. We didn't even come up with the term the greatest generation. That was like the other generation came up with that term

for the generation before them. We weren't involved in nothing. Even though it's meant sincerely, it does sound like you're mockingly. They were the greatest generation. Yeah, thanks, Broca were the greatest. Thanks, bro. Uh,

Oh, it ties back to what's the frequent. No, no, that's Dan rather than rather. I thought you were doing that. I thought you, this was long form improv.

No, I thought you brought back the loop on the very end, but that was fantastic. Well, no, these are just a series of skits. Yeah. This is more like jazz.

When are we going to cover the topics? Oh, sure. Oh, no, this isn't a day of hot topics. Yeah, this is more like jazz. When are we going to cover the topics? Oh, sure. Oh, no, this isn't a day of hot topics like on The View. I'm just joking with you. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Speaking of racial slurs. Oh, yes.

You said yuck mouth earlier? Yeah, yuck mouth. I was going through a book of animals with my daughter, and she was pointing out the animals, and she can't say flamingos properly uh-huh so she just said oh no she said mingos and i was like oh that that seems like a slur yeah yeah that's so true and you know what else does um uh in elements i always thought manganese seemed a little bit a little bit insulting yeah. It's like, come on, come on. Lay off the periodic table.

I mean, I never really get that high up the periodic table. What are your favorite? Okay. Well, top five element. I know it's my least favorite, boron, because it sounds crappy. It just sounds like at the end of a long day, somebody, okay, well, let's call this one Boron and get out of here. Yeah, we all want to get home to our wives. Like they all named them all in one day, like a round table.

Yeah. Okay, Boron. What are your favorites? Top five. Oh, I love, you know, I love a carbon. Of course. Yeah, carbon's up there for me. Building block.

I think I got to throw potassium in there. It's just surprisingly reactive. Yeah. I think it's exciting. You don't know what's going to go on with potassium around. Plus it's good for relieving cramps. I didn't know that. Is that the banana? Yeah.

Banana. Yeah. No, no, no, no. What is that? Magnesium. Oh, come on. Magnesium's not in my list. Let's just drop that.

Yeah. Drop the magnesium. I like, you know, I like. I like. Nitrogen. Love nitrogen. Yeah. That's what. I like, you know, I like. I like. Nitrogen. Love nitrogen. Yeah. That's what makes the plants grow.

Or no, carbon too. Did we already say carbon? Yeah, carbon was definitely up there. We're just staying in the organic. Gold. Gold. Yeah. Oh, I go crazy for gold.

Yeah. Oh, man. Nobody goes crazy for gold anymore. That was a big thing In the 60s Where you'd have The megalomaniacs And everybody Gold

I'm gonna Like the Midas thing If only we knew A guy who had Covered everything In gold Yeah Oh god

He is like that Isn't he Yes he is Yes he very much is I never thought about that Like I know he's tacky But have you noticed How he's the exact same

Tacky that Russians are Like that's where I first thought they were connected because if you ever watch russians they like gold and tacky shit and then he's always wearing a track exactly like that he's going for a spritz at the white house sauna here's the one the one thing that i haven't anyway the figure uh the one uh marie curie oh Curium What's that? Polonium? Isn't there one named after her? There's Einsteinium Oh I love that She discovered radium though

But polonium I think was named for her home country Oh polo And then Yeah But is there a Marie Curie name? Is there Curium? I don't know You're asking the wrong dude

She was buried in a lead casket What about Mendelevium? Oh yeah Mendelevium Oh yeah, yeah, Mendelevium. Yeah, yeah. And he was a biologist, wasn't he? No, I think he's the guy who came up with, didn't he come up with the periodic table? It might have been him. Oh, I thought Mendelevium.

It's hard to say. It's hard to say. No one will know. Did the gene. Yeah, the genetic thing. And my other favorite is parsley. Oh, yeah. Some people love it.

You know what's great about parsley? Some people hate it. Is it cleans your breath from the stomach up. That's true. That's why love it, some people hate it. is it cleans your breath from the stomach up. That's true. That's why, that's why they poisoned that Russian spy with it.

Oh. Litvinenko. It was like a, they, a lot of people think the polonium killed him, but it was the parsley. Oh yeah,

sure. Did they poison someone's sushi or am I thinking of Jeremy Piven? Mercury. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Russians didn't want him on Broadway. And when you think about it, it's all connected, man. It made me sleepy. I can't do Broadway. The thing, again, I asked this one question about Trump. Why does he wear his tie so long?

What is the statement that he's making with, because it's supposed to go to the belt. That's the traditional tie length. And his is always hanging down. And it's so much so that the back end doesn't fit through the loop to the belt. That's the traditional tie length. And his is always hanging down. And so much so that the back end doesn't fit through the loop on the back. So he's got a scotch tape. The back end of this tie. I think a lot of times when people are on

television or famous, they come up with, uh, somebody said, if you can't draw a caricature of somebody, they're not famous. If you can't think of doing right immediately. Right. And I think he's probably got some sort of, uh, he's looked for things. Oh, I can exaggerate this. I can do that to sort of heighten my appeal.

It's his hair. That's his suit. So, so everything is. Yeah. It's a construct. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that makes, that does make sense.

He also never takes off, like any politician will take off their suit jacket and roll up their sleeves. He has never done that. No. I bet he's got some pretty weird looking arms. And his suits are poorly tailored. Oh yeah. And he never, he never.

He don't mind this slob commenting. He never buttons them either. Yeah. I'm always surprised by that. Like for a guy that's purportedly a billionaire, like usually they have a sharp cut on the. What's the difference between purportedly and reportedly? Uh, lack of education on my part. I don't know either, but I think you're using it right.

I'm the book red feller. I ain't got none of that big brain schooling. I'm just here telling you how the thing is. Pete's not wearing shoes though either. He's pretending. Pete showed up today wearing an Ernest Hemingway shirt, which he got at the concert. Ernest Hemingway goes to camp. Yeah.

So yeah, that's one thing. Yeah. Mingos. Mingos. The other thing is we didn't mention this. We're banking a bunch of episodes. So this is never going to hit the air. This is going to be the first episode of 2017.

Oh, that's perfect though. Because that allows me to do something. I'm going to do my own podcast and I want the first episode to have Graham on it. Is that possible? Well, I actually have done my podcast, but I'm going to relaunch it. Okay. Would you do it please, Graham? And can I announce it on, what's this one called? I want to say Doughboys. Yeah. The Atomic Brain Podcast. I might change the title because, but I like the graphic.

That's why I kept it. Cause I got a graphic made for it with a brain. Why don't you call it Pete? Pete. Why don't you call it Pete pressures people on air to be on his show. Right. Yeah. This is, this reminds me of this guy.

Um, uh, I was on a train in the UK and I was going home from a gig. And, uh, this guy, they have these four tables on the train. Do you know them where you sit there and there's three, there's four seats. This guy sits down with his kids next to me and he just puts down like a six pack and starts like pounding it with his kids on the other side sitting next to me. And he's like three into him and they're talking and he stops. And this is like an hour and a half train from Brighton to London. And he goes, kids, me and your mother are breaking up. Whoa.

And he proceeds to tell the kids sitting next to me on the train while he's drunk that they're splitting up and the kids start crying. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? You should have gotten them a six pack. Yeah. A six pack of juice box. What are you doing on the train doing that them a six pack. Yeah. A six pack of juice box. But what are you doing on the train doing that

next to some stranger? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, they say do something like that in a public place so people can freak out.

Dance like no one's watching. Oh my God. Yeah, tell your kids about a divorce like everyone's watching. Oh, it was the most uncomfortable

and I didn't, am I supposed to, like I wanted to get up and leave but I couldn't. You're turning red now just talking about it. It was the most uncomfortable. And I didn't, am I supposed to, I wanted to get up and leave, but I couldn't. You're turning red now just talking about it. It was the most uncomfortable thing I think I've ever been around. Oh, that might be Mercury's voice.

I would have got up and left. I would have been like, eh, no. I'm going to go. I'm not part of this family. I'm going to sit on the outside of the train. But there's no right thing. Like, you can't consult. I can't reach you.

I'm your new dad. Yeah. Yeah, I'm, your father and I love your new dad. Yeah. Your father and I love you very much. Do you have any pictures of the ex-wife? I could see. The other thing is, since

we're banking so many episodes, I'm worried that the next five will all be about Christmas things. So far, we've been good. The other day... He's the only guy that's wrecking the time for it. This is like the Netflix binge. But I have nothing else... You could have just pretended like...

I have nothing else to talk about. You and I made gingerbread houses the other day. Oh, yeah, that was much shit. We didn't talk about that. In Vancouver, gingerbread houses are the most expensive. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. That's going to appreciate and value thousands of percent.

It was more like a ginger lane Way house and it was small. It's like a garage really. But we bought a kit and it's garbage. Like it's fine as you know architecture

but it's, gingerbread is like my favorite thing. When you say architecture it was a Frank Lloyd Wright sort of. Yeah we got

falling water. Now wait a minute. We got a gingerbread Bilbao. Gingerbread's your favorite thing? What happened to your favorite thing? Ice cream. Ice cream's my favorite food, but gingerbread's my favorite.

Did you just refer to the Guggenheim and Bilbao? Yeah. It's a gingerbread. Lovely. Yeah. Well, that was, if I was ever. Frank. Oh, Gary?

Frank Gary. I think gingerbread Bilbao would be a good. After one building has fish scales on it I get it buddy Oh yeah He's got your Shiniest building I got your plan

I get what your thing is Yeah Weirdness He's Canadian Yeah Have you ever seen His office in Santa Monica though

It's like a set of Binoculars His building It's stupid That seems like Like what an evil Mastermind would have A giant binoculars. Oh. His building. It's stupid. That seems like what an evil mastermind would have a giant binocular tower.

Yeah. Well, but that's the villain. The pervert. So we made gingerbread houses and they tasted terrible, but they were fine to me. I didn't try. I only tried some of the candy.

What do you mean they tasted terrible? Do you not like ginger? No, I love gingerbread, as I said, but it was, you know, it? No, I love ginger bread, as I said. But it was, you know, it was just all out of... More rhymes. More rhymes. And my friend is Fred, and

I go to bed in a shed, and I'm dead. Wake up dead. My favorite shoes are a cat. So, yeah, no, it was just... I wish I... I'm gonna have have to buy like a real more. I just, it's just inspired me to buy more gingerbread because it was so unsatisfying.

That's how they get you. It's a cycle. But it was like a rat on a, we couldn't get the one, like the tiny ones all stood. Yeah. But then we put together like a big one and it just, for the life of me. We had to hold, like we had to physically hold it together. Oh, so it's structurally unsound.

So did you do any internal gingerbread support beams? At one point I had proposed that. They only give you the pieces. Right. See, well, that's the thing. Maybe some kind of gummy beam. I would suggest a candy cane central core. Yeah.

To sort of elevate the, I mean, if the candy cane's got the rigid up and down, like I wouldn't use them laterally for support in an earthquake zone. Earthquake. Yeah, yeah. But if you did a couple of triangles, you know, because that's the strong shape. I don't think this came with Candy Cane, did it?

No. No, but you'll just have to go to an outside contractor. No, no, no, no. We were using. You get a quote, guys. Oh, boy. You're going to want to go to a couple Candy Cane contractors. No, and then it's not even done until June.

I don't know. But we had a timeline to meet, so it didn't matter. So it was fine that it just crumbled. Yeah, it just fell apart. And then... Did you eat it? No, I didn't. You didn't eat the damaged house?

I ate a lot of the gummy buttons or whatever. Like, they weren't jujubes. I'm starting to understand why you got so many mouse traps around here. Oh yeah. No, no, no. I took the gingerbread houses and I put them in the fridge.

I didn't want to even leave them on the countertop. So you wouldn't even give a damaged house to the poor little ratty cat. No. No ratty cats. Yeah. It's so weird.

I've never built one from a kit. When I was a kid, the thing was you would take like a half of a milk carton and you would stick gingerbread or graham crackers around it. And that would be the house. But would you eat the milk? Yeah, we would eat the, we'd freeze the milk. We'd carve it up. We'd eat the milk. We'd eat a eat the, we'd freeze the milk. We'd carve it up. We'd eat the milk. We'd eat a tube of milk.

Another piece of milk for you? My doctor says I'm lactose intolerant. I love hearing this stuff. I never had any of these things growing up. Yeah, you didn't have gingerbread house? No, my parents didn't treat me well as a child. Oh, no. They made you have a gingerbread apartment?

No, they bought themselves gifts. They made the gingerbread house after you went to bed? My mom and dad honestly would buy candy and toys, but they'd hide them from me and then they'd eat them themselves. They'd eat the toys? They'd eat everything. Just eat a transformer in front of the end of the dolls. Just do that. That was so mean.

Oh, Lego. I didn't. I had no teddy rux the problem is that no time did i know at the time that they weren't good i thought that was normal so i was like always like oh hey that's what you get a couple years as a parent to be really rotten before they meet other kids and then they go hey wait a minute i it didn't dawn on me until like, you know, maybe 22 sessions into my psychiatrist. Wow. That they were bad. So Pete, tell me about them eating the toys. Wow.

It seems normal at the time. It seemed normal because my other friends were raised by dogs. They would eat the toys constantly. Everybody had weird parents when I grew up. Everybody had their own idiosyncrasies of strangeness. You know, like you're a little jealous of different families, but they all had different things. Like my best friend growing up was a Japanese kid down the street.

And my parents didn't give a shit about my grades or anything in school, you know? Right. But her, his mom said I couldn't play with him unless I got better grades. Wow. So I had to up my, I became a better student so that I could keep playing. How did she find out about your grades? She asked.

Yeah. She, she, to be like brings home his report card to her. I do sign this. I had to show her my report card. That's a true thing. Wow.

Yeah. Huh? Yeah. And then when I got my grades up high enough, she bought us a computer for us to program on and to work. It was, she was actually awesome. And that's how you became the world's greatest

computer programmer. I was actually, that was going to be my other career. Oh really? Yeah. But I'm not very, I didn't, I don't have the work ethic. But you can, do you know, you know computers?

I did. And then I discovered I don't anymore. So I've been teaching myself on these Coursera courses to learn programming again. Cause I don't think standups got a big future. Oh, come on Pete. I also don't think that older programmers have a great future. I'm a naturally curious person. I like learning about anything new kind of.

Sure. So I thought that'd be kind of fun. Jeff Probst penis you're not too curious about though. I'm not, I'm learning about anything new, kind of. Sure. So I thought that'd be kind of fun to do. Jeff Probst's penis you're not too curious about, though. I'm not, but I bought a VR, so when it comes out in that way, I can do that.

What's a VR? Virtual reality headset. Oh, like an HTC Vive. Oh, you got a Vive? Yeah. Yeah. Gotta Vive. Gotta see Probst D

in the Vive. Whoa, 3D. I can move around it, move around, walk around it, walk through it. Walk through it. Sure. I can do all sorts of Move around. Walk around it. Walk through it. Walk through it. Sure.

I can do all sorts of things. All sorts of things with the Probes D. Check out his 3D D. Jeff Probes 3D D. Pretty good. Graham, what's going on with you? Not too much. Here's the thing that I did this week.

Because like you, I was trying to figure out out like, what other skills do I have? Or potentially, I think I have a fantasy probably twice a week about doing something else. And I have no skills. I have like nothing I could do. Yeah. Well see that. So I saw, uh, an ad. What about sales?

Oh, I can't. You mean on a boat? I can't sell anything I do. Like I haven't mentioned anything I've done this year. We talked about three Netflix shows and you didn't mention your special. Yeah, give me a job in sales as quick as possible. Let me get in there. So I saw an ad for a company and it sounded pretty good.

It was like a transcription company and so i went to their website and they had kind of just like a form that you filled out and then a test oh fun yeah it was really fun uh because i i thought first of all i thought my typing speed was uh pretty fast so i did like a typing speed can you Can you type without looking? Yeah. I cannot. But I only type using these fingers. These fingers don't do, my thumb and pinky don't do it. For the home listener,

Graham's holding up this many. Yeah, I'm holding up, like a picture or a raptor. I couldn't feel my pinkies for almost three years. I had to go to a doctor and figure out what was going on. And what was it? They don't know.

But you got it back? Yeah, it just naturally came back. And my left arm went numb for a while too. And then it came back too. Good stuff. So it turns out I'm not a very fast typer. I'm on the low end of the medium. Can I have a number?

I need a number. I was like 45 words per minute. I think that's fine. I'm fine with that. I'd hire you. Their company, they wanted 70. That's great. I think that's fine. I'm fine with that. I'd hire you. Their company, they wanted 70. That's unreasonable. Go get a robot.

You'll use Siri for your typing. That's what I was, midway through, I was like, how come there isn't a program that does this? There is. Well, but here's the reason that. Natural dragon speak, right? Yeah, something dragon. Yeah, something with a dragon. But here's why. It's because the sample audio they give you is so bad like so it's people talking but there's people in the

background talking and then there's people dropping shit in the middle of it so you've got to like sounds sort of like the first hundred episodes of this show but don't you need like a well i used to bring over my tool the box box, and sort through it. We used to just have whatever microphones on our lap. Yeah, that's true. Was this job court stenographer? No, it was like you would get an audio. It would just be for transcripts. How come you never see a court stenographer keyboard option on your iPhone?

Because I don't think anybody knows how to use that. Oh, yeah. But still, that would be kind of. You'd think for texting, people would get into the court stenography. They must have it. It's just a thought. It's just an app that might be yeah. But still that would be kind of you think for texting people would get into the court. They must have it. They must have it. It's just a thought. It's just an app that might be available.

Props D. I yeah so I did the test. I didn't do well enough for to get hired or whatever. They were like you but they didn't tell me

specifically what I did wrong. Like I know I got all the dialogue right but I may have misattributed the voices to different people but that was something that i was talking about with my dad and we're like why would you need these transcripts and what happened to on television used to watch a show and then at the end they would say if you want a transcript of today's show send a self-addressed stamped envelope to this address and they would send you the the the transcript of that episode of donahue or sally jesse rap we should get all the donahue

transcripts yeah but that's why was that a thing i don't know why who would want it that's yeah that's what i was like i think it would be easier to do if, you know, part of it's scripted. You already have it. I've been handed a transcript of my show and I've been thrown that somebody took the time to write it all down. What do you mean? If you're Netflix thing? No. Oh yeah.

I got one of that too when they translated it. Um, but, um, that for years ago, about it's the 20th year anniversary of my first comic special on the cbc but they handed me like this big thick um uh transcript afterwards like somebody took the time to write it all out like here it is yeah it's awful to read yeah yeah jokes are pretty bad to read and also the pans to audience looks around. Holds for applause. No applause arrives. Continues.

But yeah, that was somebody's job back then. That wasn't a digital. There's still, yeah, there's still somebody's job. Apparently. I would, I would, if I would, if I had that job

though, I would seriously be thinking about, uh, driving a self driverless self-driverless car because they're both going away. Oh, so you would do your transcribing in a driverless car? I've had jobs where we use transcribers. Sure. And you have to send them whatever audio and then they, and you have to assign, like, you have to listen to it yourself and be like, okay, the first voice you hear is Graham. Right. And then Dave and then Pete and then uh unnamed person we don't know and then you mean like a robot transcribers no no to a human being so that they have to tell them who's talking can't they figure that out that's the whole point of using a human no just so they can just so they know

that the first voice is called graham oh i see you. You got to give him a name. Yeah. Oh, I didn't get that. Because they are like, I think they have to turn off their human mind. Like they will have to listen to it and not absorb any of it and not know that he's Graham and not listen to the show or enjoy it. They just have to like translate it onto a paper.

Yeah. Yeah. So did you get the job? No. Oh, uh, but they wouldn't, they wouldn't say specifically why I didn't.

So I'm going to try again in the 45 days. What would you say? You can apply again at 45. Why don't you just change your name? It takes, it only takes two days. Oh, if you could have any job in the world,

what would you want to do? Transcriber. Oh, guys, you want to move on to overheard? Sure. Stop podcasting yourself is supported in part by Casper, an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. They offer an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. Now, I got one of these things. Yeah.

Sent right to your door. Yeah, it came in the mail. Yeah, in a box. In a box. I don't know if it was in the mail. Maybe it was a courier. Who can remember? I've been sleeping so great, I can't remember.

The future's so bright, I've got to lose my memory. Look, you've heard about these mattresses. Yeah, they come in a box, you open the box, they like explode out of the box. You get a hundred days to try it. It's better than going to a mattress store where you have, oh, I don't know. 10 seconds of lying down. Yeah. Yeah. And then, uh,

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Hi, everybody. Stop podcasting yourself is brought to you this week by ZipRecruiter. What's ZipRecruiter? Dave, I don't even know. Okay. Say you are someone who needs to hire someone. Yes, absolutely. You could post your job to

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Put ketchup on a hot dog. Toilet paper over or under? Toilet paper. Star Wars or Star Trek? Or Star Trek? Fear not, my friends. Fear not, my friends. Mark and Hal always reach the definitive answer.

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Tickets are on sale now at MaxFunCon.com. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world and then we share them here on the podcast. We always like to start with the guest. Pete, will you lead the charge? Oh, right, right into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't really have a good overheard,

but I have a thing that happened. That's fine. And it was off-putting because it was about me. And I go to the same store. Okay, well, I moved away from the Starbucks, but this is the long argument I had with my wife. Like, if you find us a new flat, please make sure it's close to a Starbucks.

And I know I'm, I'm not a corporate shill or anything like that, but I enjoy that type of coffee. And it's a big thing. You just always need to buy Tony Bennett CDs. Well, I didn't know we were going to bring that up, but yeah, it's pretty darn good. Yeah. And I don't always CD sometimes MP3s and sometimes albums. I mean, it depends on the medium that I'm using, but don't get me off good. Yeah. And I don't always CD, sometimes MP3s and sometimes albums.

I mean, it depends on the medium that I'm using. But don't get me off topic. Yeah. So I was, so I have to walk to the store. So I,

once I get there, I'd like to sit down and have three coffees, but I have a very specific coffee. I've been having, drinking the exact same thing for nearly 25 years. And,

and I'm 80. So anyways, I, it's, it's, I have to have it the same way. And usually if they know me, it's not a problem, but, uh, so I was in line and, uh, I, I'm not the happiest person before my first coffee. So I can be a little gruff. I don't, I don't mean to be, but I can't help it. And I apologize to everybody I've ever run into. This is just a confession. That's fine.

Fine. But so I was in the Starbucks and I was in line and this girl that knows me and they had a new girl at the counter and she saw me in the line and I was about four back. So, and I was in my half sleep days so that she's like, she grabbed me. Oh, oh, let me, let me take care of him.

He's very specific. I think he's got autism. Oh, wow. And I, I heard her say it. And then I was like, I was going to say something like, I don't have autism. But then I thought, if they think I do, they're going to get my coffee right for now on. So it was like, I kind of just sort of played it up. So they put your picture up there.

Yeah. But then I realized how nice everybody was to me after that. And I was like, I like this new world. You were getting special treatment because they thought you required special treatment? Yes. Yeah. And.

Pretty good. Yeah. But I, and I didn't realize I was that demandingly frustrating, but maybe I do have some aspects of it, but. What, what, what is, can I ask what your order is? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

I have, and it's real simple and this is why can I ask what your order is? Oh yeah. What is your regular order? I have, and it's real simple and this is why I get so pissed off when you screw it up. Okay. Just be, just let him do his thing. It's just, it's a four shot Americano, three quarters full in a grande cup. Okay.

I like the extra space in the top, not for milk or sugar, which I don't add to a coffee because guess what you're actually drinking? You're actually drinking milk flavored coffee, which is bullshit. He's doing robots. I'm sorry. I just hate people that do that. This is coffee.

Okay. I drink coffee. But it's a specific drink. I like the extra space so it doesn't spill when I walk on my cup. It's simple. It makes it concentrated and strong. It's got to be the same amount. I don't want a long shot because I don't want bitter freaking shots okay just what i want and so

i do this shut up no okay i don't think you're laughing with me i am i know the difference no i'm laughing with you because the you could have said just what the is, but now you're saying it like I screwed it up. I get it. I get it. But I just, I just want the same thing all the time. And I know that's not, that's not, that is a level of privilege that's never existed previously in the universe to expect that in

every city I walk into. And it is a. But they set it up that way. I know. I know. I know. And then that expectation afterwards, but it gets screwed up so much. And here's the hardest thing is explaining the room and the top of the cup.

Cause every country you don't realize how, how local that is. Cause here I say, uh, I'll say room, uh, in the top, uh, there they'll say space. Or if I had to go to three quarters, um, because I was saying two inches of room and then like, what's that, five centimeters? I'm like, no.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Let's ask Jeff Probst. Yeah, give me a half Probst.

I mean, well, that's not much coffee if you're getting a half Probst. It's all space. But then you're

confronted in the UK with almost everybody that works in the store isn't British. They're from Poland, they're from various places in Eastern Europe everybody that works in the store isn't British. They're from Poland.

They're from various places in Eastern Europe or whatever. So then there's another level of communication. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to be like so many cubics. But every, and you forget how different cultures communicate space size form and it becomes quite a challenge. And then like a lot of Spanish is completely different. You know, like just, you know, like, uh, just,

you know, make me a, make me a half done coffee, done, a coffee with a siesta in the top, you know, like there's different, but it, it became quite a challenge here. It's, it's, it's a, it's easier, but, uh, but apparently they thought I was high maintenance there and they assumed I was autistic. And that made me sad, but then happy, then sad, and then weird.

And then maybe I have autism. They could probably just learn to whisper better. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe they were saying it a little bit too loud. Well, there was clearly concern though. Yeah. And that was nice.

Yeah. Like they clearly wanted to make sure it was right. You probably see these people at Starbucks more than you see most people. I should tell you this. When I was saying I was leaving, um, I told them, I don't know if you guys go and tell your coffee shop when you're moving.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I leave them a forwarding address. But I told them I got like two of them came out and gave me big hugs when I was gone. But then, but i think it might have been because they were happy yay never come back we're throwing out all the grande cups i have a i have a little app uh that keeps track of my finances uh i don't know if you guys do that and it's pretty easy well then you're not dealing with a lot You can do it in your head

I'm into triple digits My Starbucks is ludicrous What do you spend in a month? I pay I would say Without being specific I know what a Starbucks employee makes a year A full time employee

How? Because I have a very close friend Who works at one Okay And I can't believe how little it is. For the amount of hours they work. Why don't you open your own Starbucks? Yeah, like Tommy Lee.

Because they're not franchises. They're all owned by the corporation. Why don't you buy the corporation? Yeah. Right? But I pay one quarter of an employee's salary a year in coffee. Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, you should be getting the yearly reports. I could have, I could afford one employee to swing by my house every day for a couple hours. Clean a little longer. Yeah. You got time to lean? Think of how much money you spend every year just on a little bit of space at the top of the cup.

Oh yeah. You break it down. And it costs way more in Canada because I don't get the free shot here. In the UK, with your gold card, all your shots are free, your extra shots. Oh. Here, you still pay for your extra shots. But in the UK, it's shots of alcohol. Yeah, yeah.

They just line you up at the bar. It's at the pub, right? Yeah. Dave, overheard. My overheard is from a swimming pool. I was swimming with my child in the kiddie pool. And next to it is the big pool. Any bow-legged women there?

Uh, yeah, I like to go swimming with bow-legged women. What a weird question. Why bow-legged? Uh, because then you swim between their legs. Oh, that is the funnest. Um, and, uh, you, whenever you, uh, the, the dad of this teenager, you know, maybe 10 year old was in was in uh the kiddie pool with a younger kid and the the 10 year old was in the big pool and she called over to her dad and usually when

a kid calls over to their dad it's watch me do this or whatever and she said uh i'm gonna try to do a front crawl underwater and the dad said great i great, I'll watch. And she said, it's okay, I'll tell you how it goes. Just read my blog. Yeah. And so she did and then she came up and she said,

it was really hard. Well, that's pretty cute. I like that. That's real cute. I used to say otch instead of watch. Otch me dive. Yeah, otch dad,

otch dad, and then they just eat my toys in front of me. Yeah. Otch dad, otch dad. And then they just eat my toys. Yeah. Oh, so full of hey man. Yeah. Oh,

dip that Lincoln log in a, in some Play-Doh. Graham? Yes. Oh, I'm curious about the pool thing though. Like how often a week do you catch stuff? When I always think. Oh no. Oh, we had our first, uh, pink. Like how often a week do you catch stuff? I always think public pools with kids are like below.

Oh, no. We had our first. Like pink eye and stuff. No, we had our first, the fouling of the pool. Oh, no. Someone else's kid. Ah, good. But like it was me, Abby, Margo, and some other kid.

And I was like, oh, what's that stuff on the bottom of the pool? Oh, no. What's that stuff chasing me? The kid needed fiber, too, if it sank. It was all kinds of. You don't give babies fiber, do you? All kinds of. I don't give babies anything.

It was all kinds. It was in different spaces, top and bottom. So what's the procedure? Everybody out of the pool? Everybody out. Unless you're gross. And then as we were getting changed. I'm all right.

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. That's right. I think that's why they keep the kid? Everybody out. Unless you're gross. And then as we were getting changed. I'm alright. I'm okay. I don't mind. I think that's why they keep the kiddie pool separate. So they don't have to drain the entire big pool. But then they drained it.

Oh, they have to drain it. I guess. You drain it if you stain it. Don't just drain it if you stain it. You gotta rinse it. Does the parent have to pay for the draining?

I don't know. We got out of there as soon as possible. I'm not even sure if we were like suspects because right i don't know what happened after we left did you watch the news that night there's some people being interviewed in their swimsuits they just they just left the people were we told the lifeguards and we said i think somebody went to the bathroom in the pool and they're like is somebody telling me right now We told the lifeguards and we said, I think somebody went to the bathroom in the pool.

And they're like, is somebody telling me right now? And then we got changed and we didn't hear any more about it. We just saw them draining it. Fair enough. The worst. See, I loved all that extra information. You told a third of a story there. The back end of that? Well, the third act will be a montage.

Just a musical montage. Graham, do you have an overheard i do mine is from i was eating uh at a diner and uh one of the employees that's very on brand for you yeah i like eating at a diner uh this uh employee showed up for his shift and the lady was working at the cash said uh oh hey you uh went away this weekend and he said yeah and she's like this is loud enough that everybody can hear this conversation she said did you go away with someone and he went yeah and then the people in the back doing the cooking went, ooh. Oh, it was really fun. But it was like, people were loud enough that everybody in the night

were all a sitcom audience now. Yeah. Ooh. Before, yeah. So that's my overheard. Graham, it's a great one. Thanks. Now we also have overheard

sent in to us from people around the horn. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. Wait a second. Here we go. Is this Jesse Thorne's company? Yeah. It is.

I listened to him on NPR. Oh, cool. I think he started on there like six months ago because I'm an obsessive NPR fan. Oh, probably. He's been doing a show for years. So maybe your station just got it. Oh yeah. Well, I listened to it on, over the internet thing.

Cause they don't actually have NPR in the UK, but it's what I listened to all day. Yeah. Yeah. He's a bullseye is the, his show. I don't know the name of it, but I remember his name. Yeah. Yeah. He's, I like his voice.

It's kind of soothing. It is soothing. name. Yeah. Yeah. I like his voice. It's kind of soothing. It is soothing. Right? Yeah. Not like ours. Oh, yeah. It's like glass being broken for an hour in here. This first overheard.

Your chalkboard and your glass. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to your ass. Pretty good. Thanks. I'm high-pitched Celic. This comes from Matt R.

I was at an Apple store because their latest system upgrade broke my phone. Take that, Apple.

While waiting to be helped, I heard a man behind me discussing financing options for a more expensive phone

than what he had. At one point, he said to the Apple employee, this phone is my white whale. What does that mean, do you think? You can never get it. No, in Moby Dick, there's the confrontation that isn't the white whale symbolizes himself? So this phone is himself? An unaccessible aspect of his own morality or something like that?

I don't know. I don't think that's what he meant. Do you think that the Apple employee knew what he meant? Did he throw a beluga at him after? Yeah, sure. I got a white whale for you. Check out Jeff my mouth. Yeah, sure. I got a white whale for you. Check out Jip Probst. This next one

comes from somebody, but the person said not to say their name because this is from, she works at

Groupon's editorial department, so she doesn't want to get fired. Or he. Or he. But saying that,

isn't that enough? They couldn't have a staff of more than four? Groupon working in a table. There's four people at a table now staring at each other going, which one is it? Yeah, what are we doing here? What does the editorial department do? Trust me, if you work at Groupon, you're not going to have a job for much longer anyway. I get most of my news from Groupon.

Oh, sure, yeah. job for much longer anyways i were yeah i get most of my news from groupon oh sure yeah um in the time uh that uh this person's work there's seen us uh run all manner of deals for all manner of merchants i thought you might find some of these names these are of companies that ran groupon promotions oh great uh especially choice. So the first one is no poop stains. Sell it to the pool. PMS Deli. Sure. Okay. All right.

Blood sausage special. Oof. Oof. Oof. Hey, you're making fun of a delicacy overseas. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes. Be a little more sensitive to cultural differences

Nailed by Moet So I think maybe a nail salon But maybe a guy who does carpentry Yeah Or brings you champagne Healing hands of Don Oh Masseur

D-A-W-N or D-O-N No That's another Trump business Yeah oh i'm a sewer d-a-w-n or d-o-n d-o-n no get your hands away from me that's another trump business tiny little hands on children's museum no i know what that is yeah i know what it is too but it sounds bad that's hilarious it's the only museum where you can put your hands on children wait wait wait it's jared fogle's birthday every day here stop it stop it and finally kids pinups

oh that i can't explain no it's kids k-i-d-s-z pinups it's baby goats oh right yeah oh yeah oh sure pin the tail on the donkey. That would be a really great calendar. A bunch of goats in, like, pinup poses. Oh, sure. Riding a bomb. Sure. In sexy 40s underwear.

Yeah. And finally, this last one comes from Sheldon H. I love Big Bang Theory. Buzzing. I'm writing it on Overseen. Here in the U.S. of A., there's an Adopt-a-Highway program where different civic groups can adopt a section of the interstate and are responsible for cleaning it up. The groups, in return, get a road sign at the section they adopted. Most of these groups are girl or boy scout troops, Kiwanis clubs, local lodges.

However, in Southeast Michigan, there is a two-mile section of highway that has been adopted by a very special group, the Michigan Fans of the Dave Matthews Band. Oh, wow. That's great. And they send in a photo. That's awesome. How depressing would it be as a kid

in an orphanage to see that a section of highway got adopted? Aw. Especially if you had to share your bunk with a section of highway. Yeah.

Like, how crappy am I? But then you drive by that and you were like, oh, at least I wasn't adopted by Dave Matthews fans. Yeah,

you should have groups that can adopt a kid out of an ador- Dave Matthews fan to group and you should have groups that can adopt a kid out of an adult. We got Dave Matthews fan to group and they adopt a kid. We do that in Canada, don't we? What, a group of highways? Yeah, maybe. I remember seeing those

signs somewhere. Yeah, I don't know if it's every highway or in every stretch of every highway is up for adoption. Yeah. You just think that you'd want to have that in your taxes. Yeah. You just think that you'd want to have that in your taxes. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all. Highway maintenance. Just don't leave it up to a group to. Yeah, but I don't want to pay taxes. Yeah. Live free or die. Yeah. I liked, was that, that was Seinfeld where he adopted his own.

Kramer. Yeah. And he made his section a wider section. Well, the KKK adopted a section of the highway in one state too, I remember. And a big controversy over that. But what did they do? Didn't they do something? I don't know. Didn't they like then end up naming, renaming the highway something?

I think there was an ironic protest. Yeah, there was some sort of thing that they did. Yeah. Yeah, just, did. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631

or spypod1 like these people have. Hi, this is Shannon from Dallas and I am calling about one of the grocery stores in my neighborhood that refuses to let us take out our own grocery carts. And they are also, I think, very well-trained to have these very earnest conversations with you

on your way out to the car. So mostly these earnest teenagers talking about their weekends and asking me about my weekend and so forth. Well, recently, one young woman, she's walking out with me and she asked me like they all do, what do you have going on for the rest of the day and so forth. And I turned it back on her and asked her, what about her? What did she have planned for the rest of the day? And she said, oh, you know, talking about the weather and putting bags in people's cars.

I mean, they told us just to tell you the truth. Then I'm going to go home and masturbate. Anyways. Oh, that's great. Yeah. If you were asking any teenage boy what he was doing for the rest of the day, I'm going to remember this conversation. But it is. That's the one place where, like. Dallas? No.

These workplaces where, like, somebody can come in and just, that nobody else wants to have a conversation with. And these. Oh, yeah. I actually do do that sometimes. I try to make their days interesting. I think you probably do. Yeah. I sometimes I'll act overly excited about everything, like for no reason at all. And they'll think, oh boy.

Autistic boy. Yeah. But no, but I don't like being mean to anybody. No, no. But I do like. Yeah. When I worked at a coffee shop, like you just, you had to have a conversation with everybody that came in. That was just the policy of the place.

So. It's weird to tell people to be so, because a lot of people have social anxiety. Like, were they not allowed to have that job, or how does that work? You probably wouldn't apply for that job, I would imagine. I guess so. You could work the machine, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. It depends on how type

you can fast. How type you can fast. David! I know, Dave. You really stepped in it this time here's your next phone call Hi Dave Graham and possible guests my name is Nick and I'm in South Florida

and I haven't overheard a couple years ago I was attending a horror movie slash heavy metal music convention and one of the main guests there was a gentleman named Zach Wild from Black Label Society apparently and I was

using the restroom and these two sort of metalhead guys came walking in and one said to the other guy how can somebody that shreds so hard gain so much weight? Oh, possible guest loves that.

Yeah. Oh shit, that's funny Wow, scorch Yeah Great question, we should ask ourselves, we shred pretty hard Yeah, you're right I don't shred as hard as I used to But the fingers have got to probably be really Svelte

Oh, does shred mean guitar playing? Yeah What did you think of it? I thought it was like snowboarding. Well, yeah, you can do, you can shred on snowboard. That's where I should have been. But this was for a heavy metal guitarist. Yeah.

Yeah, what was I thinking? Why would shredding snowboards even be at the horror movies? You can also shred cabbage. See, there's all sorts of different meanings of this word. I love cabbage. It is my new fave. Really? I eat cabbage all the time.

Real fantastic. Let's not get into it. That's another podcast. I was going to say, Graham, you actually have a Zach Wild aesthetic. You have the beard, the same color beard. You shred. I shred. You got that guitar that's like a bullseye. You don't have a flying V?

No, I had. Now I just play acoustic flying v all right here's your final overheard double acoustic and your first final overheard of 2017 happy new year everybody happy thank you hi dave and graham and uh potential guests this is allison calling from toronto i uh was just in in a Persian restaurant for brunch at 5 o'clock. 5 o'clock? 5 o'clock? 5 o'clock.

Okay, so she hung up and she called back. I love it. And that call lasted 2 seconds so I'm not going to play it. But then she called back again love it and that call lasted two seconds so i'm not gonna play it but then she called back again okay so five o'clock really got her hi david graham it is oh boy oh come on allison you can do it and she hung up again no no and then she called back one more time oh dear okay david graham and allison from toronto again okay gonna do it right this time So, I was at this Persian brunch place. It was 10 a.m., not 5 p.m., 10 a.m., and it was pretty empty in there. There were a few tables. We were sitting having some brunch. There were a few people around. around.

Natural lull in conversation happens. And the table behind us has Siri on. The only thing we hear from the table behind us is here's some information I have about Adolf Hitler.

Wow. She really, I admire that she went the distance oh got that over her i i love it when people lose that yeah totally it's have you ever there's a great uh uh this american life where um uh the ira glass tig uh brings his her mother-in-law in to tell a joke and she can't get through it. She just keeps laughing so hard. And it's one of the funniest things I've ever heard on radio. There's two, um, This American Lives that have made me laugh like crazy.

This is the perfect time of year actually, because, uh, at the end of every year, somebody, bless their heart, whoever does this, puts together all the news bloopers. Oh yeah. And a lot of times my favorite news bloopers are somebody who just gets on a get like a giggling jag and just can't like and they're just like telling the cameraman to go away and then they try to get back on on course and then it just falls apart again. Oh, boy. I had a Catan night over at my house a couple months ago. A what?

Settlers of Catan night. Oh, I don't shorten it just to Catan. Sorry, I'm a bit of a, I've fallen in love with the game. I love it. And I love board games. I love having people. We had a Chris Catan night a couple weeks ago. Yeah, no, it was fun.

We watched Monkey Bone. I heard it doesn't work well anymore. Corky Romano. No, it was like. I heard it doesn't work well anymore. Corky Romano. No, it was, it was like. I just snorted. Sorry. Anyway, I got nothing but great things to say about Chris Kattan. Go on.

But my wife was just trying to tell a stupid joke about how I always say is delivery notes di giorno. Like just not for every, it's just awful, but she couldn't get through and she couldn't stop laughing. And there's like four. And then it just catches. Yeah. And everybody at the place, we like, we laughed for like an hour while my wife tried to tell

Noja. There's something about that. I wonder how that evolved. But when somebody's laughing and so full of joy, it's infectious. It's the greatest. Yeah. It is the greatest. And it's, yeah.

You never find that in a comedy club. No. That's weird. You know where you find it a lot? Church. Yeah. Exactly. Like as soon as something where two people like recognize something's funny.

In a place you're not supposed to laugh. That's what it is, isn't it? If you were under pain of death to not laugh, I bet you'd find some funny stuff. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Then you'd die. Yeah. So maybe the next four years in the U.S.

are going to be funny. Sure. Eight if we're lucky. It's 2017. Things are already looking up. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody's,

nobody important's died yet. Who's like, I don't even want to say it. Yeah, don't. Like, well, Prince and Bowie.

That was last year. I know, year i know but like nobody's died but like but i'm just this is coming out on the second don't say anybody's name go like like someone more beloved than those two could die yesterday yeah yeah yeah don't don't say any names nobody's gonna die yeah you're right i got a really good feeling about 2007 everybody's gonna make it through everybody that's the prognosis. Every doctor is going to give you, well, I give you a year.

Yeah. You know, you get this year. Yeah. 2018 is going to be the tough one. Oh boy. Oh boy. Don't remind me.

Um, now Pete, do you have anything that you would like to plug? Uh, I would actually, I have a hard time doing stuff like that, but I would actually. Okay.

Um, I'm trying to force myself to be more productive because I don't know if you know this, Graham. What? I'm lazy. That's all right. And it's been a crippling thing for somebody as talented as me to deal with. You should do your own infomercial. But I figure if I

announce stuff, I'll have to do it. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you're putting your own feet to the fire.

Yeah. So I'm relaunching my podcast, which again, I'm going to tape. Are you available Sunday? I don't know.

I'm around tomorrow. You know, there's a great time to organize this. Shush, Dave. Shush. Okay. So there around tomorrow. You know, there's a great time to organize this. Shush, Dave. Shush. Okay. So there's that, but also you can watch my Netflix, but I don't really make any money

if you watch it. But can people watch it? Oh yeah. What's it called? It's called, You Might Also Enjoy Pete Johansson. There you go. If you do. Yeah.

And if you like it, you know, just tell your friends. Cause it was really, really hard for me to get it on there. Yeah. It's very difficult for Canadians to get exposure. I don't know if you guys know that. Nope, we've got tons. Yeah. In the traditional.

Peter Mansbridge. You guys are great. George Tromelopoulos. You know what's funny is I run into people in Europe all the time that love you guys. Like everywhere I go. I've got a very European sense of humor. You've got to meet them. You would not like Dave.

No, you don't. You would never. No, I don't. You would never. No, I love Dave. Ever since the chocolate lab joke, that's where he won me over. That's one of my favorite jokes ever. Still love it. Good joke. Good joke.

It is a good joke. You still do stand-up? None. Really? I thought you were real funny. Thank you. Yeah. One of the best.

But yeah, so I got that. I got the thing. But I've also, I'm going to be releasing two CDs next year. One's going to be just about bears. Yep. And then one's going to be quite, well, I don't like the term edgy, but it seems to upset people. Okay.

But how do you have so much material about bears? Why wouldn't you? Okay. What other animal are you going to write about? Rats or mice? I don't think so, Dave. No, I did an hour Edinburgh show a couple of years ago on bears.

And so I'm sort of redoing it because every time people talk to me, it's like, oh, do your bare, people love bear material. Of course. So I'm just. So you're doing two CDs. Speaking of CDs, because I'm in the future and I figure everybody needs a CD.

Yeah, yeah. People are going to want the physical. In the future, robots will slide a CD into their head. Oh, cool. Dave? Well, it doesn't work now. Speaking of CDs, CDs nuts. I mean, it's still, it's an evergreen joke, Dave.

Is that a joke here? CDs nuts? No, he just made up the joke now, but it was. Oh, no. I'm sorry. But yeah, no. By the way, I miss seeing you. Well, I'm around.

For the home listener, he's only looking at Graham. But we used to have white spot all the time, and I miss that. We'll go eat white spot tomorrow Okay I like that Dave white spot? I'm busy Are you sure? I'm it's Saturday tomorrow

What are you going to the pool? Clean the pool Just you and two buckets of bleach Sorry guys Scrub scrub scrub Also I know it's after Christmas And it's the new year but don't stop Forgetting to donate to Doctors Without Borders

There you go People doing a fantastic non-partisan Non-biased job around the world To help people D-Wob Now it's the new year We got a couple Of live shows Coming up We're gonna be

In the Vancouver Northwest Comedy Festival JFL Northwest That's February 23rd Of the Biltmore And We'll be in Chicago If tickets are still

On sale for that That'll be February Where are you playing In Chicago? Thalia Hall That's fantastic I might drive down

For that What day? The 11th Of February I can't I'm in Europe I would have If it was earlier

In January I would have Totally driven down I would have said Hi to you guys That would have been Cool I haven't been to

Chicago in years They have the best pizza Have you heard about that? Deep Oh yeah It takes an hour For them to cook it This is from his new show

Pizza Pie I want to do a show On Apple Fritters Apple Fritters is my Real special And we'll be in Banff on March 4th Yep Takes an hour for them to cook it. This is from his new show, Pizza Pie. I want to do a show on apple fritters. Apple fritters is my real special. And we'll be in Banff on March 4th. Yep. And anything to say about Banff? I love Banff.

They've got bears. It does. Oh, my God. Lots of bears there. And if you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Maybe, you know, Schoolhouse Rock. Oh, yeah.

Rock, rock, rock. Oh, that's a different one. That's the Muppets. I don't know what you're saying. No, it's Rock, Rock. When they're talking on the phone, rock, rock, rock. Telephone rock. Telephone rock.

You don't remember telephone rock? Oh, no. Oh, man. Okay. rock. Telephone rock. You don't remember telephone rock? Oh, no. Oh, man. Okay. We're millennials. Yeah. Pam is not a millennial. We'll have a picture of a Jeff Probst penis.

No, we won't do that. Don't do that. It's not enough black box on the internet to black out that guy. Maybe the McDonaldland crew. Oh, yeah. Yeah, something like that. With the sailor And the professor

Grimace Yeah And Merry Grimace To everyone out there Merry Grimace And a happy I can't think of a menu item That rhymes with New Year

Actually check out Sean Proudlove He doesn't have an album out And he talks a lot about him So they should look up Sean Proudlove I don't know that he has An album out

I thought he put an album out Because he's very funny Now you're plugging other people's projects well he's great I always liked OPP other people's projects

oh you're not supposed to do that I'm sorry just look me up and turn everybody else up there it is this is the salesman I'm gonna be on top

of the world if you just care about me I don't know about this character and thank you all for listening and if you like the show tell your friends and come on back I don't know about this character. And thank you all for listening. And if you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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