Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 460 - Nicole Passmore

Episode Date: January 9, 2017

Comedian Nicole Passmore returns to talk karaoke songs, baby sizes, and pies in faces.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 460 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who, ah jeez, I mean, he's baby new year, he's the man of 2017, he's the man of the future, but with a nod to the past. Mr. Dave Shumkin. The man...

What? Have you heard that... I think it's maybe... And this is saying something. Yep. Maybe the worst... There is... Something is ringing in my ears.

Like, I feel like it's somewhere around me. I'm... This is one of those, like, Tibetan singing bowls. Oh, yeah. I hired a guy to... It's your 12 days of Christmas. There's a guy outside with a Tibetan bowl. Oh, okay.

You know how their cologne commercials are terrible. Yes. But I think... And the more nonsensical, the better, as far as I'm concerned. But I think my favorite is the worst one. I think it's for a Hugo Boss cologne. Who can tell? What's the difference?

And it's Gerard Butler. He's reading a poem. Oh boy. I just know that it ends with, makes me the man of today. Ah, the man of today Gerard Butler. I think we'd all agree that he's the man of today. Because you were calling me the man of something before that.

Yeah. Before my ear went crazy. And our guest today. Who's there? You get away. A repeat guest on the podcast. Very funny comedian and improviser. Miss Nicole Passmore is our guest.

That's me. Hello. Hi, Nuggie. Oh, don't tell everyone my nickname. Nickname that only I give you. Yeah, the nickname that only you have for me that indicates your latent hostility to me. You guys really do have a big brother, little sister. But we just discovered before the show that we're both the youngest.

Yeah. Yeah, youngest of four. Uh-huh, yeah. Which is a lot to people when you say that you have three siblings. Yeah. But not I mean, were they close in age to you? I have a brother who's six years older, a sister who's three years older, and another sister who's a year and a half older. So that's pretty close. Yeah. Because you, your siblings are older. Yeah. Eight, six, and four are older.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Eight, six, and four older. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Your parents were very controlled and calm. Well, how do you mean? Oh, you mean your parents

just went nuts and just were doing it all the time? I just mean there's like some real cool space in between those. Yeah, real cool.

I am already blowing it. Do you want to get to know us? Oh, yeah. Nicole. Yes. You've been living in Toronto. Now, this is year two you're on? I'm in.

It'll be two years on February 28th. What are you going to do for your anniversary? Nothing. What? No, no, no. You got to celebrate these milestones. Should I celebrate? You should go to milestones.

I'll go to Gretzky's. How many Gretzky's are there? Just the one? Just the one, I think. I'm down by the... By a second. No, they're like Starbucks. They're in Toronto.

They're on every corner. You go to Gretzky's. What are the products that Wayne Gretzky's put his name on? Is there a wine? There's 100% wine. There was a line of clothes. There was a line of clothes at the Bay. Yeah.

That hasn't been around for at least a decade. There's a cologne called the Man of Tomorrow. Oh, really? Makes me the Man of Tomorrow. The Man of Tomorrow. 100% of the cologne you don't wear didn't he maybe have like a signature uh tabletop hockey game or something like that yeah that makes sense and he like he would have like he was the um he had his own hockey video game oh right yeah

and but and he would just advertise other people's products. You know, you're O. Henry's. Oh, was he an O. Henry guy? Maybe Mr. Big. Whatever Nielsen. Nielsen chocolate. Uh-huh. I don't remember. I don't remember.

There's a great picture. Nielsen has that plain boring one. Dairy Milk? Oh, yeah, yeah. Dairy Milk. I think there's a picture of him in the 80s with super 80s feathered hair. And he is, he's like doing a, he's lying like Burt Reynolds.

Oh, yeah, yeah. In the little, little shorts. No, that's a different one. We'll post that one as well. We're going to post all these pictures on the blog. Every picture of sexy Gretzky. Oh, boy, yeah. But yeah, he's in a weird, like,

what looks like a basement, you know, but like a nice basement. and there's an old guy photographer like i'll give you this candy bar if you take off your shirt wayne it's like a an 80s basement living room and he's just like lying down in slacks and a shirt amongst candy maybe his socks are off he's touching the candy with his bare feet. That's got to be a fetish somewhere. Well, it is now. Yeah. Well, I read about one this morning that is a guy sitting on fancy cakes.

Oh, yeah. Is that? Yeah, no, I've heard of cake fetishes. Cake sitting? Cake sitting. But I thought it's, I would have assumed it was women sitting on cakes. Oh, yeah. I was surprised to learn that it was guys sitting on cakes.

You know what? Gender is a construct. Yeah, that's true. Oh, why are there so many chocolate bars? Yeah. Oh, wow. Isn't that exactly what it looks like? Yeah, I won't give you just one chocolate bar.

I'll give you this whole van full of chocolate bars. Young Wayne Gretzky. It's Wayne Gretzky lying with some Nielsen hot chocolate, what looks like an iced tea mix, some 7-Up, Mr. Big, and two pairs of pants. Can you confirm whether or not he's wearing socks? He is. Yeah, I think it's just socks.

You're lying on a couch. You're not going to wear shoes. Well, maybe no socks. Yeah, he's wearing something on his feet. He's got a stockinged foot. Yeah. He could have worn skates. That would have been fine, too, because, you know, that's how I...

That's my fetish. Yeah, that's how I identify. Guys skating over cakes. Oh. Did you say, ugh, like bad? I don't know. Like, there's nothing really... My body just made the noise, and then I had to start unpacking it in my brain and I'm not sure how.

When you said it, I thought of a couple getting married who are really into hockey and them cutting the cake, their wedding cake with a skate. Oh, cute. Yeah. See, I made it cute again. Skate cake. So you're going to go celebrate at Wayne Gretzky's. Yeah, that's obviously a lie what because if you know anything about me you'd know i don't belong at places like that where do you belong

nowhere but that's not true come on in a garbage heap i hear it i belong in a basement with 50 chocolate bars. No, I mean, maybe I'll go somewhere cute and Toronto-y that I like. Wait, what was the date you moved? February 28th. Ah, Leap Day. Leap Day Eve. Yeah, Leap Day Eve. Leap Day Eve.

Did you know that on Leap Day, it's the only day women can propose to men in Ireland? That's got to be a lie. It was a movie plot. Yeah. Amy Adams? Yeah, it was a movie called Leap Year. Leap Day. Leap Day.

Leap Year. Are you lying? No. No, there was. There really was this movie. And that's the plot? Yeah. Yeah. Amy Adams.

She's a career-driven woman. Never had time for a wife. She's talking with Davey, who's still in the Navy and probably will be for life. This is the first in many films inspired by that one Billy Joel song. Yeah. So, in Toronto, living by yourself? No, I live with past guest Chris Wilson chris wilson oh yeah guest from two weeks ago whoa really yeah hi chris hi roomie he told us that he was uh he would stay up all he stays

up all night um so we have a four-floor house that five people live in um a few of us are comedians and then the other two are kind of like actors, actor adjacent. What is actor adjacent? Announcers. She used to be an actor. She's starting to have like a real life.

Or like a ring, those card girls at boxing. A ring announcer. Also to answer that, what are actor adjacent? Smarter than actors, I guess.

Whoa! Take that that entire profession take that thing i have chosen to do are you actor or actor adjacent no i'm act i think i'm i'm comedian you're so i'd be yeah adjacent uh but so so we but are you the only two comedians in the house no uh there's a guy named colin m who lives with us. Okay. Funny name. Yeah. Whoa, right?

I'd like to see him lying amongst a bunch of chocolate bars. Well, it would make sense. Munch with Munch. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Or Crunch with Munch.

These are different. We made up a bunch of different posters. A bunch with Munch. Hi, Colin. I've never met you. I just heard you existed. But I wish you the best, and I hope you do the dishes.

I'm looking out for your roommate. Yeah, that's true. Thank you. So Chris stays up crazy late, but so do I. And sometimes it's like weeks where I'm like, oh, I'm staying up later than Chris. I am broken. I have to go to bed. Oh, okay.

You know? Because both of us stay up to like 4 a.m., 6 a.m., any of those ranges. Really? What do you do until, because he said he like. What am I doing? None of your business. Touché. No, nothing.

I'm usually probably watching like Rick and Morty or Futurama or just like dicking around. Yeah. You know? Just dicking around. It's like pretending that I'm doing work, but it's, you know, I'm going to compile a list of the things I need to do and pretend that that's working. Who gets work done at four in the morning? Well, I do sometimes. Prostitutes.

Dave, they're called sex workers. They're called both, I think. Sex workers is a big umbrella. Yeah. Includes prostitutes. Fine. Oh, my God. Lube men.

No. There are other people who work at 4AM. They're called lube people. Besides your sex workers. There's a whole world of people. Your bakers. Bakers, sure. Oh, yeah your bakers drivers people who work in 24 hour casinos

plane de-icers you know hotel nightmen you know police ambulance I think you guys just want to say names of jobs with men attached.

Yeah. Ambulance men, firemen, spider-man, Batman, teacher-man. Teacher-man. Principal-man. Yeah. Post-man, milk-man. Well, I mean man. No, no, no.

I don't know. I stay up late and I do nothing. But I can confirm Chris was not lying lying he does stay up very late but you guys don't you guys don't get together and watch hey let's be together sometimes yeah sometimes um we'll go in the basement and like watch whatever um we recently watched that terrifying scene from planet earth where the snake yes you can't talk about it well did you say that i was the one in the corner almost screaming because i'm terrified of snakes oh are you terrified of snakes yeah i am and i've been trying to become less afraid what about spiders no i don't i love spiders okay you could quite honestly pour a thousand spiders on me. Pour some spiders on me.

And I won't be afraid. I wouldn't be scared. Have you been afraid of snakes since you were as far back as you can remember? Yeah, when I was four, my brother and his friend put a garter snake down my shirt, and my shirt was tucked in, so the snake couldn't get out. I mean, if it wasn't tucked in, it could get down your pants. So think about that. Yeah, that's true.

There was a barrier. That's terrifying. If it was untucked, it might have just fallen right out. Kids pants have elastics and things. They're fine. Did you get them at kids pants? The snakes? Yeah, sure.

The store? Yeah, so I'm pretty sure that's why i'm afraid of snakes but i have a very real phobia and i've been trying not to what's the name of that phobia um i don't know probably like herpaphobia because i know the the snake preface preface wow prefix but it's it that now i have i thought i had herpaphobia when I was kissing that girl with all those cold sores. Yeah, that's funny, Dave. Thank you. I'm going to look up snake phobia.

Graham, you kill time with her. Stop looking at your phone. I can't believe that Chris Wilson ruined all the things I was going to talk about. I don't think you were going to talk about those things. I wasn't. I only thought about it because of him. And you're back in town just for a while, just to visit friends and family Friends and family

Ophidiophobia Is that what pure snakes is? Or Ophiophobia Ophiophobia, there you go I've actually never looked it up That's why you came here Done and done Oh great, I'm no longer afraid.

Yeah. Would you ever consider going on a Maury Povich where they would pour snakes all over you? No. Some snake is on the goal. No, we didn't. In the name of fear. Um,

I did actually think about asking someone to go with me to the Vaughn reptile farm. Mm hmm. Uh, like it's like just outsidehmm. Like, it's, like, just outside of Toronto. Where you can, like, hold a... Yeah, you can, like, interact with snakes.

And it's owned by Baron Vaughn Reptile. Yeah, it's owned by Baron Vaughn Reptile, of course, because why wouldn't it be, Dave? Well, it's Vaughn Reptile. But I don't know

who I trust enough not to, like... Like, prank you with it? Well, if I'm around snakes and somebody touches me I'll I'll like freak out and possibly

When are you around snakes? Um rarely but it's also pictures of snakes videos of snakes Oh just like fake snakes

yeah even fake snakes and I even if I know they're fake What about fake news stories about real snakes? Uh if there's pictures

of the snakes then I'll freak out yeah yeah really so it's it's just anything and this is this your greatest fear yes uh my specific greatest fear is someone throwing a snake at my face yeah i could see that that's i would say that that would be a fear of mine as well not not in my top three how debilitating is it is it something you think about every day? Oh, not anymore. It was for a time, and I used to have nightmares pretty, not every night, but quite often.

It's debilitating in the sense that if I'm, like, scrolling through, like, Facebook or any, like, site that has, don't do that. He's shaking the cord to make it look like a snake and I don't like it. Oh my God, please stop Dave. Oh my God. Oh my God.

And Dave, I want for the record that earlier Dave was like, I'm being nice. Canceled. What a dick. He had to tell me he was being nice

so I wouldn't know. Oh my God, I hate that so much. I'm sorry, Nicole. Have you considered what kind of treatment can they do? Can you go to a hypnotist? I'm gonna kill you. Ay yi yi.

Okay, do you want to start the show over? Nope. No. No way! We're not deleting where you were, jerk. No one heard way. We're not deleting where you were. Well, no one heard earlier when I was nice. That was a ruse. Yeah, you can't tell someone I am being nice and then assume that that's enough. And then do something to actively scare them.

I was doing it to help you. i'm sure there's there's therapy apparently when you have phobias there's two options one is like slow and steady therapy the other is immersion therapy but why would you have to get over your fear of snakes oh okay so it's not stopping the only way it's debilitating is if I'm looking at my phone or on an iPad, I will throw the thing across the room if I see a picture of a snake. Okay, well, you need to stop doing that. I've broken things because of it. You should get one of those leashes like surfers have. Like a surfer has on its ankle with the surfboard.

You should have that with an iPad. Yeah, so that it just dangles. Oh, okay. If you drop it, then it just... Good idea. Yeah, okay. I'll do that. See? See, you're nice.

It's the return of nice day. So you've got to get over your fear of snakes. That's 2017's. Yeah, maybe. Maybe that'll be your thing. What else are you going to do this year? You got big plans? Do I have big plans?

You going to travel anywhere? I might go on a trip with my friend, Ember. Where? Oh, past guest, Ember? Past guest, Ember Konopaki. She wants to go to Berlin. Okay. And I've never been me neither you yeah what what do you gotta see when you're in berlin uh it's so big yeah it really is

it was two cities like i'm not sure i saw everything you were supposed to see did you see the like remnants of the wall oh Oh, yeah. See that picture of spray paint of Brezhnev kissing, I don't know, someone else? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two guys kissing. Let's see, what else is there? You want to go to Zoo Station?

What is Zoo Station? That's a U2 song from Akhtung Baby, but it's based on a train station. And what is it? It's by the zoo i think the berlin zoo um yeah with or without you yeah sure i think it was just a real um uh it's just a cool city cool vibe well oh uh amy shows shostak a couple weeks ago yeah you gotta go to a nude spa.

Yeah. Oh, okay. You got to go to an all-night dance club. Oh, okay. Which will be fine for you. That'll be just like regular daytime dance club. You're an all-night person. Regular daytime.

She's sensitive. She had to check to see if you were being mean no I didn't because I like Graham oh boy I don't have to check I like you I like you Dave

you guys I'm so afraid of you now though because I have the snake power because I have to wiggle a microphone cable I'm afraid I'm going to say something you don't like and you're just going to shake it and I'll have to leave.

Try me. Yeah, I don't know if I have big plans this year. Doing a bunch of directing at the company I work at called Bad Doc Theater. What are you directing? Improv, which sounds like antithetical. How do you direct improv? Thank you for saying it in the voice I was going to say. Of course.

Yeah, I'm a woman of the people. I understand their qualms. But yeah, I'm going to direct. I have a show in January called The One that's like a bachelorette themed improv show. So what happens? Is it the same conceit every night? Yeah,

sort of. It's like trying to frame within the genre but finding the improvised characters, the improvised scenarios. So it's like... You see,

improv is a type of act and you're just practicing this style. Right. It's like jazz. Yeah. You know? You might know what

sort of effect you're going for but you can improvise within the jazz. See, I always like when people use jazz as an example because everybody's familiar with jazz. And it's so cool. Sure, yeah. It makes everything cool. Everybody likes jazz. It's a really accessible, commonplace art form. It's weird that most jazz festivals now are like headlined by Hoopastank.

Yeah, decidedly not jazz acts. Hoopastank. Most of them are. Well, like it'll be anything that's like not Hoopastank. Yeah. It'll be like anything that's like, you know, a little bit reggae or. Yeah. Or like, yeah, Macy Gray.

Yes. Macy Gray will headline a jazz fest any day of the week. Okay, wait. Not to make this podcast all about Chris Wilson. Also, wait. Maybe. I'm thinking of the wrong song. Never mind.

What? Well, Chris recently spent four hours rehearsing the song fast car which i now realize tracy gray macy gray also starred in spider-man that's right what yeah she's she has a scene in the new no no the original the original, from 2002. That's weird. Where she's like playing at a parade or something. A jazz festival.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Why was roommate Chris Wilson practicing fast car? Listen, I realize now the story doesn't even need to be told because... Okay. It doesn't connect to anything. I Try. But I always confuse those two songs or those two artists.

But yeah, for four hours, he was just rehearsing so he could. Just singing? Singing that song. Not like guitar or anything? No, he does know how to play it on the guitar. He's practicing that too. But he was practicing it so that just in case he goes to karaoke,

he can do a real bang-up job. Now, that's a fun thing, like practicing a skill for just a one-time use. I don't know. People have karaoke songs that they'll do over and over. Yeah, they have their go-to.

Do you do karaoke? Oh, yeah. What's your go-to? I have a handful. Okay. Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe. Oh, that's yeah they have their go-to do you do karaoke oh yeah what's your go-to i have a handful okay um carly ray jefferson call me maybe okay oh that's fun if i'm feeling fun which is almost never i also really like uh this is a classic but uh zombie by the cranberries oh yeah oh yeah if you're feeling dangerous terrible ir you get to put on a terrible Irish accent. Eh. If I'm feeling dangerous, which I almost never am. If I'm feeling Irish.

Oh, I also really like, I have a handful of others, but I like Edge of Glory by Lady Gaga. And the Gin Blossom. Is that how that goes? Yeah. And I'm hanging on a moment with you. Pretty good. The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge. I'm sort of like the Tony Bennett of my generation. I'm on the Maury Povich.

And they're bringing some snakes on too. You can say it. I can't. Oh, I'm so sorry. Those are all kind of fun. Do you have like a low sad one that you might do? Or are they all? Zombie's lower, but like still.

It's like yeah tanks and guns and bombs and guns uh yeah and bombs tanks and their guns and their bombs and their guns and their oh whoops i already mentioned guns um no the slowest would be that Gin Blossom song that Now I can't even remember the name of Hey Jealousy? Yeah, that's the one Ah, yeah

That's a good karaoke How did you know it would be that Because that's the slowest Gin Blossom song No, there are only a handful of Gin Blossom songs Well, there's Till I Hear It From You There's Follow You Down

Follow You Down Allison Road Yeah Those would all be good karaoke Hits Have you ever karaoke-ed? I have, but I'm not... You're not avid.

I'm not avid, and I don't like going out. The most fun I had was if it was a private room. Right. One time on my birthday, we got a private room, and that was fun. But then they came out with Rock Band and all these games where you can do it at home. You can do it at your home, at home So that's a private room And then also I'd never do Yeah yeah but did you have a song that would be

A goat that you would look for Uh no Did you? Uh no I mean I only have a very limited Register so it would have to be Something in the lower end of things I've never been anywhere where they would have something Like the Gin Blossoms

Oh yeah I guess It was all pretty top 40-ish Yeah it depends on the night you go to and like what weird Yeah Have you ever done it with the crazy videos that they made specifically for the karaoke song With like weird Japanese people

walking on a beach Yeah or just like some great storyline that doesn't fit with the song at all. Like a businessman throwing his briefcase into the ocean. All by myself. No, it's during zombie. Well, that does make sense. All the bombs were in the briefcase. Oh, yeah.

Are we all zombies going to our office jobs every day? That was deeper than my donut. Well, come on. I'm learning to love you again, Dave. Well, it's because I'm nice. So we still haven't figured out what you're going to do to celebrate your two-year anniversary. When you moved to Vancouver, did you ever celebrate? What date?

Do you remember the date? Yeah, I think I moved here on August, I want to say 22nd? Because it was like, it was a week before I started school. But you're not a sentimentalist. No. You don't celebrate your birthday. You don't let anyone know your birthday. Yeah. school. But you're not a sentimentalist. No. You don't celebrate your birthday. You don't let anyone know your birthday. Yeah.

And I'm trying to edge out Christmas as well. I'm trying to push that out of my life. You won't let anyone know it's Christmas. Yeah. Well, some countries, Dave, you know they don't know it's Christmas. Well, there is this one country where they don't know it's Christmas. But tonight, thank God it's them instead of you. So you might go traveling.

But that's it. You don't have any concrete. You're a free agent. I'm a pretty free agent. I got money. I got like a, I got money. I got like a, what would you even call it? An inheritance?

No, like a, not grant, but there's like this. A bursary? Yeah, it's a bursary, I guess. But there's like a, I got money. Well, there's like a fund in Toronto. These really lovely people passed away and they love the arts and they left a bunch of money to like further comedic endeavors wow so why couldn't they have been from here um and it's nice because it's like not a huge amount of money but it's there's a bunch of ways people can get access to it and it's awarded through you have to scale the outside of a building yeah you're going through the vent

yeah you have to spend a're not afraid of snakes. Yeah, spend a night in a haunted snake house. You gotta get up a security guard outfit. I like the idea that the haunted snake house is not a house

haunted by snakes. It's a house filled with snakes haunted by their own past. Yes. But I, so I got some money to direct a show as well of whatever thing I decide.

So I have to, I have to put on a run for that. I get to put on a run for that. Now, would you, would you direct an improvised thing or would you try and direct a, like a play? Do a fellow.

Yes. Oh, do a fellow. No, it's supposed to be. Also known as reversi. Oh, do a fellow. No, it's supposed to be a fellow. Also known as reversi. What?

Is that true? The board game. I'm very, I don't understand. Fine. I'm not sure I understand. Is a fellow a board game? No. Yeah, a fellow is a board game.

Oh, okay. With black and white pieces and you surround them and you flip them over. Is it meant to be based off of the play because there are black and white people? I think. It must be. I mean, technically, they're moors. And technically, it don't matter if you're black or white. I think.

If you want to be my lover. You've got to get with my friends. Wait, that's two different songs. Yeah, that's two different songs. What's the Michael Jackson one? If you're going to be my baby. Oh, if you want to be my baby. Yeah. Do you know what the first, I was listening to that song because i'm trying to learn the guitar yeah i'm trying to learn the guitar riff in case they ever call you up a karaoke in case you have to uh you ever have

to fill in at a jazz festival um and you know what the first lyric is? No. I took my baby on a Saturday bang. Wow. Weird. Maybe he was trying to start that as a phrase. And people were like, Michael, Saturday bang is not. So I got to take it. Yeah. I might have got that wrong, but I think it was Saturday bang.

I don't know if I got the first part of it right. Yeah. No, that's, yeah, I took my baby to something. I just never. first part of it right yeah no that's yeah i took my baby to something i just never a lot of his lyrics i would not know how they were uh sung correctly for many many years it was more about the vibe right yeah guys are we vibing i think we're vibing we had a we had a touch and go moment there but but you know what we came through it to vibing yeah um do you know who vibes who well snakes they've sent vibrations oh that's true yeah that's true and you know what

i'm giving you that piece of information because i'm nice someone told me you got to know your enemy someone told me recently that the reason most people are afraid of snakes is because on like an innate biological level we don't understand how they move uh which makes us afraid of them like that's why i'm afraid of jabberwockies like the fact that they slither and and that sort of like s shape and we we know how we work as animals but we don't we know when we love seeing a bear on its hind legs or we do. That's true. Honestly, we love being like,

Oh, that animal looks like a people. Oh, that's so cute. Oh, we're that little bear learned how to walk like a human. I don't know if I like this character or am I attracted to this character? Oh, I'm sure I've done sexy baby on here before.

Oh, yeah. But that was not. No, that was. What was that? That was like. Oh, I'm a little boy. I'm a little boy starting to form opinions. Now do sexy baby.

Oh, yeah. I'm a sexy baby. They're basically the same. I know. I know. One has just had a few more gin and tonics. So when you watch the snakes chasing the lizard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That great planet Earth. The lizard is a lizard. It's an iguana. Iguane. It's an iguana. You say iguana, I say iguane. That means hello and goodbye. No. In iguana, I say iguene. That means hello and goodbye in iguana. But it's like a snake that just has hind legs and front legs.

No, no, no. It's more like a scaly dog. I got that like chubby belly. Oh, scaly dogs playing at that blues festival. Oh, boy. Yeah, well, the scaly dog is a blues band. Yeah, totally. Scaly dog.

The scaly dog blues band. Yeah, I love iguanas, actually. I'm not afraid of them. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. You can see them breathe. That's really weird about iguanas. You can see their ribs. You can see them breathe.

We have this famous children's book, Everyone Poops. And one of the pages is a snake. And it says on the page, where's the snakes behind? And then Margo will trace where the food goes in and goes through the body. So she's figuring out how snakes work. Yeah. So she'll be okay. I don't know. Is that what you'll be okay. I don't know.

Is that what you're afraid of? You don't know where they go to the bathroom? No. No, I'm familiar because when snakes get afraid, they just excrete. So when that snake was stuck down my shirt. So they're so like us. It sprayed. Oh, did it?

Oh, God. Yeah, it sprayed me. Did you ever get your brother back for that no really what no of course not why no no no have you noticed that's how you that's how you exist as siblings you get them back oh you know what actually i did once stomp on his glasses on purpose yeah there you go i feel like that didn't get him back that just broke my mom's heart we have to go back to LensCrafters. I think that probably was the only choice at the time.

Have you noticed any other, like, I don't know, boyfriends or anything excrete when they go down your shirt? Dave. Oh, man. I can't believe we all paid attention for that. Dave, you know I don't ever have boyfriends. That hurt. I'm sorry. That ever have boyfriends. That hurt. I'm sorry. That's not what was supposed to hurt.

No boyfriend has ever excreted. Ah! Yeah, I just put that sentence there because the word excrete can mean a lot of things. Sure can. What are you doing while you're in town? Just catching up, having drinks? Catching up. Full disclosure, we're recording this before Christmas,

even though it's coming out way after. Okay. You can still hear about my life. No, yeah. You, the listener. I just wanted the listener to be like, wait, she said she's going to talk about drinking eggnog. It's January. They'll probably still be

available in January, won't it? Oh, yeah, they're going to do 365 eggnog. Because it's so popular. Like mini eggs. Oh, Cadbury cream eggs, you mean. Well, and no, the mini eggs are available. Yeah, but mini eggs you could always get. No way, Jose. There used to be

an Easter treat. Really? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was true of cream eggs. It was. Are cream eggs now $3.60? Maybe they're not. Yeah, because you can get spooky ones.

Oh, yeah. With green. Hot summertime creamy eggs. Can you imagine on a hot day? What's a summertime cream thing? A summertime cream egg? Well, like, in the Halloween one, they put, you know, green stuff in. Oh, yeah.

Make it like a creamsicle. Creamsicle. Oh, yeah. Or just like lemonade. If I was in charge of doing like a kind of an initiation at a frat, I'd make somebody eat a bunch of cream eggs in the middle of summer. That would. Right? See?

Just even the thought of it is just so. Except frats kind of aren't open in the summer. Because of school. Yeah, but if you want to get the early bird rate. Well, they have summer camps at frats, right? Don't they? Yeah. Camp frats.

Camp frat, yeah. Okay. Wait. I'm going to answer you. Okay. What am am i doing in town mostly hanging out with friends gonna do a couple of shows with little mountain improv which is great if you're in vancouver you can go see them all week all week no every week yeah um did a show with the sunday service i'm gonna hang out with my mom a lot. And does she, like, has she come out to Toronto to visit you since your move? No, not yet. But she is coming out, I think, in January or February.

She can't afford it. She has to keep buying glasses. All these years later. No, she's coming soon because she used to be in the Army. Oh, really? Yeah, my parents met in the army um in something called the black watch what's that oh it's a tartan it's it's like a quebec regiment um are you a quebecois my parents are oh wow what belly belly my parents are male quebec i don't know if that's even grammatically correct.

Grammar wasn't my strong point. I mostly know how to announce the three stars after a hockey game. What's the word for grapefruit? Cool, cool. Pomplamoose. Did you, like, were you an army brat? No. So they were in. Even a well-behaved army child is known as an army brat? No, they, so they were in.

Even a well-behaved army child is known as an army brat? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I wonder what the. It's like the brat pack. They were all well-behaved. Oh, sure. They were just so young.

Yeah, bratty. No, my parents were in the Black Watch and then they were in the Peace Corps. And then they left. And they moved from Quebec to Vancouver to Bowen Island, which at the time was like a hippie haven. So they went from being in the army to the Peace Corps to being hippies. Yeah, they conquered the hippies. What is the Peace Corps?

I hear the words, but I don't know what it is. Is that a joke? Like the UN Peace Corps? Well, there's the UN Peacekeepers. Yeah, they're a peacekeeper. Yeah, but the Peace Corps is an American thing, isn't it? I don't really even understand. Okay, here's what I know.

They went to Egypt and they. They were the blue house. Rode around. Yeah, they were blueberries, blueberries, whatever. Oh, right. Yes. Blueberries, blueberries, whatever. I haven't heard of them.

I mean, like this is just my colloquial knowledge. I love it. It never worked up. All I know is my mom has her, like, UN uniform with the little blue, it looks almost like a. Like a blue globe? Like a laurel wreath. Yeah, yeah, the globe with, like, yeah. And then she has her blue beret still.

Yeah, there's a few, like, army things,, like there's a lot of army things and military things I don't know, but like the Peace Corps, the whatever, the NCIS, I don't understand that. NCIS Los Angeles, I really don't understand.

Legionnaire's disease. JAG. JAG, what's JAG all about? Who's a, wasn't, wasn't like Mark Little's

grandfather a JAG? I don't remember. A jag or a jag. He was a jag. He was a jag. Huh. Cool. Yeah.

So your parents, did they teach you how to disarm? No. No, no, no. And my mom never. No, no, no, no, no. My dad shot his gun. My mom never shot hers. Although she said she was like, not shot at, but like she almost had to because once she was in Egypt and she was in her uniform and her arms were showing. And I don't know when this would have been.

I guess the 80s? Was your mom like buff? No, she's always been like thin, strong. Describe these arms. Average French-Canadian woman arm. Okay. Anyway, this is getting very weird for me. But she said that people were throwing rocks at her because she wasn't clothed enough.

Right. Oh, wow. Even though she was in her uniform. But she kept her cool? Because that's when I would have taken out the gun and really fired off. Oh, I would have just, yeah. Several shots. No, she never shot her gun.

And my dad shot at people, but never shot anyone. Oh, wow. Yeah. Huh. So they're not people who are scarred by their experience? I don't think so. I don't. Yeah. I don't. Yeah, my mom only...

But if they are, please talk about it. Good question, Graham. Oh, I mean, I think they're like lovely, broken, scarred people in many other ways. Oh, but not in that particular way? No, I don't think it was much about being out there that scarred them. Because for a long time, we't We didn't do peacekeeping Here in Canada We've restarted it

We invented it But yeah Yeah we did that's true There hasn't been a peacekeeping force I think Lester Pearson got a Nobel Peace Prize for it Also let me Pretty good

Let me also go back Definitely not the 80s That would have been way too late The 70s The 70s yeah At tumultuous not the 80s. That would have been way too late. The 70s. The 70s, yeah. A tumultuous time, the 70s. Ah, yes. Yes.

Saturday Night Fever was the number one film. Star Wars was just on the horizon. The 70s. Your parents were sent to Egypt to police the disco demolition night at the Sphinx. The Sphinx is just a nightclub. What do you and your mom do together? Do you do puzzles? What do you do?

Oh, I wish. I wish, too, actually. I can't wait until my kids are old enough to do puzzles with me. Are you a big puzzle head? Every year at Christmas, we would do a big puzzle. Oh, wow. I love puzzles. I don't think my mom cares for them.

Okay. My mom is one of those people who's very, um, easily distracted from something that's too much. Tell me about her arms. Oh, they're pretty good. Uh, she still plays baseball a lot.

So, uh, no, she's back catcher and, uh, outfield. And do you ever watch that show pitch? Nope.

It's about a lady pitcher. Whoa. Oh, wow. Isn't that amazing? I mean, it should be amazing, but also it probably just serves to further, you know, further distinguish men and women in people's minds. Oh, I see. I think it's a step forward. Thank you.

That's good. You're welcome. Yeah, thank you, Dave. No, it's a step forward. And I just don't watch shows about sports. Right. It's got Zach from Saved by the Bell. Oh, really?

Yeah, he plays catcher. He plays catcher. He's a guy who plays catcher. He plays John Catcher. Catcher for the team. No, actually, that sounds like a great show. I'm sure it's amazing. And progressive.

I just don't watch it. They have a whole episode about how the first baseman's name is who. Who? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, they don't. I wouldn't believe that. We'll see you after commercial. We'll continue this conversation after this word from crest.

This word from crest? Crest. Nobody beats us um uh well welcome back yeah welcome to have you back thanks so much uh dave what's going on with you man couple things uh one still snowy out there yeah i'm loving driving in it oh yeah it makes like Because I have a car. I'm not like a great driver. I just have a car that has all-wheel drive and it can do whatever in the snow. It makes me feel like a big boy. It's an automatic. Can you drive standard?

Yeah. Can you? I don't drive at all. Oh. Never got a driver's license? Maybe that's what I'll do in 2017. Get a driver's license? Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, why not? Why not? I don't know I'll do in 2017. Get a driver's license? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, why not? Why not? I don't know. Hold me to it. Sure. Here, I'll state publicly, if I don't at least get my learners in 2017,

I will give Dave Shumka a hundred dollars. One hundred dollars. All right. And you know what I just did there? I just wrapped him up in my world,

which he's going to hate. Anyway, so I... Have you ever... You've driven an automatic. Yeah, yeah. Where they have... You got those other gears that are like, they have a one and a two below the D. Yeah.

And you're like, what are these for? I'll show you what's below the D. I got two below the D for you. My car is excreting something under my shirt. But yeah, you never use those. But oh, when it snows, that's when you use them. Yeah, you kick them into high gear. Or low gear, in this case.

So what do one and two mean? It means that your car won't go as fast. Your car goes strong but not fast? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, go strong now, car. If the car goes strong

and then when you're going downhill, car don't go so fast. Yeah, car goes slow. Car goes slow downhill. That's basically it. Okay. So you've been having lots of fun in a one-horse open sleigh.

Oh, I wish there was somewhere I could do donuts. I don't know what that means Like I don't know how one does donuts But it's fun to like When you just spin the wheel really Yeah you like drive You drive into it and then you start kind of the

You just keep the wheel cranked And you just go around and around You've done them I like just when it's a little bit slippery And I get to feel my car go whoa and then my car goes I can handle this

go strong now yeah don't worry Dave be strong um and at the point that we were recording this we're actually

I might be a a father for a second time congratulations yay at the time this comes out not at the time we're recording this. I definitely am not. Congratulations, future Dave.

Shame on you, past Dave. And we have this app that tells us every week it will tell you different things about your pregnancy and it's called Ovia and it will compare your baby's... I wonder if I should get that app and it will compare your baby's size to four different things every week.

Oh, yeah. One thing is always a fruit or vegetable. Right. Okay. One thing is like a cute, weird animal. Okay. One thing is a... Your baby is a sugar like a toy or a game thing and one thing is a

french pastry okay every week every week so i only know a couple french pastries yeah well yeah that is the problem with this app because like early on it'll be like your baby is the size of a poppy seed. And then, you know, a piece of salt from a fleur de sel in French pastry. And then you go on. Maybe this baby business isn't so bad after all. Cooking up something good over there. And then later on, you're like, it tells you you're 13 weeks. Your baby is the size of a matchbox car, a jalapeno, and a macaron.

Oh, I know what a macaron is. Yeah. Great. When's your baby the size of a Matchbox 20? Your baby's now the size of the fan base of Matchbox 20. And then it goes on, and then it sort of runs out of French pastry things. Yeah. So here's what it's been lately.

At 32 weeks, when it was the size of a Florida pomelo and a naked-tailed armadillo, it was also the size of a croquembouche, which is a pile of little things that can be any size. Yeah, yeah. But they're usually like the, they're kind of like what? Eight layers high? I don't know. At 31 weeks, it's the size of three chocolate croissants.

Ooh, I could go for that. That's a big cheat you did there. Yeah, right? Yeah, it should just tell you a number of croissants. That's the easiest way. Yeah, right? Yeah, it should just tell you a number of croissants. That's the easiest way.

At 36 weeks, it's two plates of beignets. Too much. Too much for just one to eat. Two plates? It's just like they ran out of things. Well, how big are the plates? Exactly. How big are these beignets?

I'll tell you what, they're roughly the size of a chihuahua. Oh. The next week is... Dave, are you having a chihuahua? I hope so. The next week, it's the size of a skunk. Oh, snelly. And a tray of madeleines. What are madeleines?

They're the little. Like really. They kind of look like shells. Yeah, they're really like light. They're very airy. Like shells. Yeah. Like shells. Yeah. Um,

and this week, the, the worst it's ever gotten, uh, told me my baby was the size of half a baking sheet of meringues. Whoa. Oh man. I could really go for a meringue.

We got some cannolis upstairs. That'll do. It's all French pastry. Yeah. Cannoli tomato. So that's what I'm doing. Oh, man. I'm comparing my baby to weird.

Yeah. Half sheet of not madeleines. Of meringue. Yeah. Oh, wow. And if you're curious, next week it'll be the size of a rustic grain sack And also a small pumpkin Oh okay that's fun

So this is all you can do as a parent waiting Is just measure And then tell them How you would Hope that they would be Pumpkin We had names picked out for a pumpkin Oh yeah And then tell them how you would hope that they would be pumpkin or Madeline's. We had names picked out for a pumpkin. Oh, yeah.

Jack. But what would you name a kid that was the size of Madeline? Oh, geez louise. Cannoli. So what's going on with you, Graham? Oh, by the way, if I haven't had the baby yet don't no one at me on twitter asking if i've had the baby just wait until i post something yeah leave him alone yeah leave me and britney alone yeah yeah yeah he just wants to shave his head and have the

press stop following him yeah um yeah my uh that wasn't what leave britney alone was it was about her performance her sluggish performance that one time at the vmas i thought it was when she was having a breakdown that the guy was like i think it was maybe a little bit before the the shaved head oh okay well you know i've never i've never claimed to be a britney. Oh, I am. I have a bachelor's in Britney... ...ology. Well, it was worth the wait. I couldn't remember the suffix. Was he going to say Britney-philia?

Well, yeah. Yeah, I mean... We should all be so lucky. Yeah, this week... So Vancouver doesn't Vancouver doesn't cotton to the snow, really. We're not great at salting the roads, plowing the roads, really doing anything that would help you get around. We do everything in the wrong order. Yeah, everything is very reactionary.

We put salt down, and then it snows on top of it, and that's not how that was supposed to work. So, uh, yesterday I had to go, I was meeting somebody in the morning and it's just like the buses were just flying all over the place.

And so, there was a point where I was standing at the bus and I was like, geez Louise, I wonder, what am I gonna do? And then I just saw this like, it was like a bird or a plane no it was like it was just like a battalion of people marching down the road that had all been waiting at bus stops all the way up the road it was like something out of the walking dead i was like all these people and you know that the kind of like crazy way that you walk when you're walking in slushy slippery yeah like you're just kind of eight steps for every one

regular human and you're watching everywhere you put your foot because you didn't expect to be walking so it's just these people all kind of like you know like when elaine bennis dances so and then uh you know some guy had looked up on his phone that TransLink said, like, all buses were rerouted to Main Street. So everybody had to walk over to Main Street. And it was just, it was insane. There's no contingency for anything. We don't know how to handle it. No, but it's. We don't know how to handle it. No.

But it's... I don't think you can handle it. Woo! But we weren't ready for that, Joey. The person that we were supposed to meet, they lived in North Van, and they said everything had been paved, everything had been salted. They paved everything overnight? Sorry.

We really don't know how to handle yeah we're really dumb we paved over the snow and then we tiled it so it's slippery again bad news everybody i drove the the night before it snowed they they put out a the city said that you know we know snow's coming we're gonna plow and salt and everything and then that next morning it was was a Sunday morning. I drove across town on one of the main streets. And every other main street I passed, nothing had been touched. No, no.

And but in North Van, everything had been taken care of because they knew it was hilly. And it was going to be crazy. So it was not, they said it was nothing. But then getting in. We got more mountains over there. Yeah, they're mountain people they're mountain people they're hill people that's where I'm from

North Van but it was amazing I'm a mountain person too because people weren't people weren't helping each other out at all like it was very much every person for themselves

out there I hear people spinning their tires all day long and I look out my window no but spinning tires fuck you for you're in your car you could die in there for all i care is people walking where the people that weren't looking like hey that thing is deep don't step in that there was no

looking out for anybody it was all so this is like not an emergency will you tell me that this city has some sort of contingency for any kind of emergency? If they can't handle a light dusting of snow? It's different. It is different, but it doesn't instill a huge amount of confidence. And our garbage

is never getting picked up again. The raccoons win. Yeah. The raccoons have formed a union and we're giving into their demands. Yeah. If you, next time you see a group of people like a scared walking down the street, it's because there's raccoons swinging hammers.

But it's, uh, yeah, it's, it was, it was, and I know that the city was like, let's just wait until the weather takes care of this.

And I'm like, but you're, this is what you're supposed to do. Keep the thing running, right? They don't have plows, apparently. And I remember years ago, do you remember, like, I don't remember how many years ago this would have been, but maybe like eight? Yeah. There was a huge snowstorm.

2008 or nine, yeah. Yeah, something around that time. Maybe was a huge snowstorm. 2008 or 9? Yeah. Yeah. Something around that time. Maybe even a little bit earlier. There was a big snowstorm. I was living in East Van at the time I was on Main and King Ed. And I had to walk to North Van because there was no transit and like every cab was taken.

Right. And I think I waited two hours for a bus and was like, I'll just start walking. And then I walked. Like all the walked the three hours or whatever it took me because it was Christmas and I was like well I've gotta get there but someone told me that year that every year the city is like

oh we don't really need plows like we'll buy them if ever we start to need to but then every time something like this happens they're like no no no we'll be fine next year right that there's no like we uh yeah i think we don't really have a contingency plan this got real political yeah yeah but you know it was uh finally we're speaking truth to power but it it was, it was, it's pretty bad when the, there's no like, well, you know, we know it's not perfect, but if you can just

get over to this road, you can get where you're going. It's like, no, I guess you just don't go to your job. Like, well, I don't know, city. I don't think that's your choice. Maybe that's our contingency plan in an emergency. Hang out, stay where you are. Just live your life on your terms. think that's your choice is it maybe that's our contingency plan in an emergency hang out stay where you are just live your life on your terms well i tweeted the the day that they didn't do any plowing i tweeted the city and i was like hey thanks for not doing anything and then like three

days later this other person you know hopped onto my tweet and said, Yeah, fuck the city. All caps. And named names of the mayor and council and political parties that they want to get out of there. And I wrote immediately backed away. I was like, I think we can all relax about this.

No need to resort to caps lock. Yeah, and then in the history books, it was a powder cake and and the fuse was Dave Shubkin's Twitter. That set off World War III. Yeah, so anyways, a wacky day of adventure. A lot of people going like shin deep into these crazy puddles. What boots are you wearing?

I was wearing my, what are they? J.J. Bean? L.L. Bean? J.J. Bean brand. I bought these at a coffee store. Those are good. But they're good water. Oh, they're the good thing. I only need them on days

like that. Yeah, like it was a real fun galoshes day. If you didn't have to go anywhere, oh man, you could get a piece of cardboard, go up to the top of the street where all the buses are. Also, there's one other thing I noticed today. Also, if you need a piece of cardboard, check anyone's recycling because it hasn't been picked up in a week. cycling because it hasn't been picked up in a week. The one thing that I've noticed on my street is certain houses over the past few days have collected car to-go's.

Oh, yeah. So they're all parked just in the middle of the street and it's just one guy's house because nobody's come to pick them up. If you don't know what car, if you live in a city that doesn't have them, they're smart cars that you can rent by the minute. And then they can't do anything in the snow. But I think there's one guy taking short trips

and then nobody's picking them up from his house. He's got three parked out in front and then there's one a block over that is just in the middle of the street because he couldn't get it up into the bank so he just walked away from it. That's very funny. So, you know.

Yeah. We like it, though. It's fun. It's pretty. Yeah. It's pretty for a while. It's really Gotham City under Bane's rule. I live in Toronto now, so I can kind of, like, handle snow.

Yeah. You know? Because, like, it's east. What is this character? I don't know. I don't know who I'm mad at here. Sexy snow baby. Oh, I want to go tobogganing.

I don't know if that's sexy baby or the boy who's just learning his opinion. Get me a crazy carpet. I think they're fun. Oh, that's opinion boy. sexy baby or the boy who's just learning his opinion? Give me a crazy carpet. I think they're fun. Oh, that's opinion boy. It's amazing how a piece of garbage can be used for fun. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay, let's move on.

The transformation is complete. Let's move on to Overheard. Okay. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor.

You got to clean your house. You got to do some more. Take care of beers in the house. We got a couple of jumbotrons this week. It's been a while since we've troned a trombo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm ready. We got a couple of Jumbo Trons this week. It's been a while since we've Tron'd a Jumbo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm ready.

I feel like even though I'm out of practice, I think we'll be able to pick it up. You look ready. You look angry. Ugh. Get mad at it, Graham. Here comes the boom. This one is for Jen from Ted, who says, what up, sis? Just wanted to give you a huge what up, sis? I wanted to pause on that absolutely

what up sis just wanted to give you a huge shout out to say happy birthday and congrats on getting into medical school you're going to be an awesome doctor someday even though yours you always have sweaty ass hands sweaty ass hands it's hyphenated sweaty ass. So. And there's a line break between ass and hands. Yeah, so I'm confused. Sweaty ass, comma, hands. And that would personally make me uncomfortable as a patient.

So now, in association with the congratulations, also a little shade being thrown. Oh, yeah. Oh, if you have a sibling who's going to be a doctor you like you will never live up to them yeah hey doctor always forgot to put her lego away that's you know but whatever have fun on the gold coast and i guess i'll see you in four years let's meet every four years and check in with each other and see if our hands are still sweaty we also have a jumbotron to parse meta from your worst friend oh no parse i can't believe you broke your hip you big dummy now your favorite podcast is heckling you about it literally adding insult to injury get better soon you old man wannabe sweaty ass hand old man oh man i really felt like jeff ross there like we were

only roasting the ones we love roast master general jeff ross yeah if you would like a jumbotron message on the show head over to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron we'll see you in four years hey Hey, guys. This is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything. Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun. What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talk to for just a couple minutes on the show,

and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. Hi, this is Griffin McElroy. Hi, this is Rachel McElroy. And we're the hosts of Rose Buddies. It's a podcast about the Bachelor family of products. We watch The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, it is a garbage television, but we're the king and queen of this garbage pile. We're the raccoons in charge around here.

So join us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show us on Tuesdays. Because the TV show's on Mondays. And basically we'll recap what we saw and we'll just sort of scoop the garbage around us and make a little fort out of it. No viewing required. But it's a good TV show. What are you doing?

Overheard. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things. Out there. Out there. Way out there. And then we come back here. And some of them are really out there. Yeah, man.

And we share them here on the podcast. You know how this goes. I do, yeah. Fire away whenever you're ready. Great. Overheard's always make me think of how selfish I am. Yeah. Because I'm never listening to other people.

But since moving to Toronto, I got a YMCA pass because I'm going to get healthy in an accessible, disgusting environment. How long have you had a pass? A few months now.

But you're still going to get healthy. You haven't started getting healthy? Actually, I did start. I like lost 10 pounds and like go to the gym. Yeah, thank you. I don't think you need to lose anything, Nicole. But health is good. Thank you. I'm going to get stronger.

Get those mom arms. Take them to Egypt. Mom arms, here I come. Go flex at the pharaohs. So I've been going to the YMCA to get French-Canadian mom arms, and it's been going pretty well. And you really do fall into the culture of, like, get naked and comfortable. Like, I can see how.

Like Tommy Lee. Yes. Like Tommy Lee. Because there's, you know, there's showers and a hot tub and a sauna and everything in the change room itself. So it's very open and comfortable. That's all in the change room? In the, yeah, in the gender change rooms. Whoa, this is a nice YMCA.

Yeah, there's a sauna, a steam room. So do the men get a steam room too? No, no, no. They just get a hose and then they spray each other with it. Men have no rights and I'm going to be active about it. Hand me my hat. I believe they have equal rights regarding the change rooms. Lock her up. yes what did i do

i just voiced an opinion oh boy um but so so i get why why you would get comfortable there because you know i'm i'm getting loose with my body there too and free but the other day i was there and uh i was in the hot tub probably for like 15 20 minutes and i was kind of changing that's a long sit listen i said i'm getting healthy i said i'm not there yet sure still self-indulgent uh still gonna rot my inside yeah heat. Yeah, so you got out. You were bright pink. No! Pink as a newborn.

And somehow simultaneously pale as a ghost. So I was in there for a while and I was changing and blow-drying my hair. So I'm talking, this was like 30, 40 minutes all told of just like getting you know like getting out of my clothes getting back in etc and the whole time there was a woman in the shower and she was uh i knew she was in there because she was singing and then she gets out of the shower and she storms through the entire ymca so i don't know if this is so much of an overheard because how could you not hear her? But she was storming around going,

there's no hot water. This place is garbage. There's no hot water. Just screaming to anyone who will listen. And she's literally been in the shower for 40 minutes singing happily. She finds... Singing happy birthday.

She finds an attendant and she starts screaming at them about how there's no hot water and then she goes up to some other woman and she's like yeah they must be just trying to save money oh and and then she gets back in and she's like oh finally hot water and then she goes back to singing but the whole whole time, there was hot water. And like 50 other people had been showering in hot water. So I don't understand what had happened. And I think it just got like a little less than scalding hot. She went on a fucking jazz parade. Whoa.

Jazz parade. Was that what she was singing? Was she scatting in the shower? Kind of. I imagine she was singing? was she scatting in the shower? kind of I imagine she was singing from when you said she was singing in the shower the first song that came to my head

was that Italian like I don't know why no it wasn't that could you think of anything sadder than someone singing happy birthday to themselves in the YMCA shower? Baby's gonna fast come.

It's fast enough that you can fly away. You gotta make a decision. Are you gonna celebrate my birthday? You forgot my birthday. Now I'm at the YMCA alone. Yeah, nope, nope. Nothing sadder. Using the community soap.

Do they have community soap? I remember when we were washing all our hair. I don't know what you mean by community soap, but there is soap in every shower. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a little pump of all-purpose liquid soap. It's not a bar. You don't have to rub the... No, it's not a bar. You don't have to rub the glass. Slide it under the stall, please.

Oh, I keep dropping it. I also should clarify that while she was screaming, there's no hot water, I was in the shower in hot water. Dave, do you have it overheard? Yeah, it's here somewhere. Yeah. Mine was, sometimes I eat at this uh we go swimming me and my my baby yeah and then we'll eat at the cafeteria uh and there'll be kids around uh chomping on chomping on kid food yeah you know your carrot sticks baby uh baby carrots uh chicken

fingers carrot cake small carrot cake oh boy this guy thinks kids just eat carrots I'm totally confusing kids and rabbits half a tray of meringue this is what your baby can eat

that's a nap anyway so just sitting there and then you there was a table mostly kids maybe some parents. And I just heard two kids, two little boys talking.

And one of them said, know what? Chicken butt. And the other kid goes, oh, I know that. I'm aware of your old body of work. Yeah, I knew about chicken butt. Let me stop you at, you know what? Is about chicken butt let me stop yet you know what is it chicken that's pretty cute yeah yeah that was a good time in my life doing that whole know what chicken butt like from age eight to three chicken butt and then

then guess who chicken poo chicken poo. I've never heard that one. Chicken butt. I'm very familiar with that. Yeah. And then was there others? I've heard. Look. No, it was guess what chicken.

Was it guess what chicken butt? Yeah, guess what chicken butt. Guess who? Chicken poo. And then you go guess why chicken thigh. Oh, chicken thigh. Yeah. And then guess when chicken hen, which.

Stretching it. Yeah. Yeah. What are the other. Also, is the thing that you ever say, guess when? Yeah. I mean, that's not really a thing. What are the five W's?

There's where. Who, what, when, where, why. Oh, chicken hair. That's weird. And then how. You can also do how. That's also a question you can ask as a human being. Yeah.

Guess how. Guess how. Chicken. Chow? Chicken chow. That yeah guess how guess how chicken chow chicken chow chicken chow huh all right well we've uh uh yes i'm familiar with chicken chow this episode is brought to you by chicken chow don't get that blue buffalo chicken stuff good chicken chow graham yeah that's about, yeah, yeah. Let's wrap it up. Mine is an overseen. I love these. I was doing a show.

I was a guest on a show called Proud of You. And at one point during the intro, it's a sketch show. Okay. And during the intro, this guy had asked me if I would hit him in the face with a pie. And I was like, no, no, no, I'm not doing that. Because I was afraid of overextending my arm and like smashing his nose or whatever. Oh, yeah, you did have Tommy John surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it was somebody else. Another one of the cast members did it. And but if you were going to do a fake pie what would you put in the whipped cream wouldn't you put shaving cream but oh no no because then you can get it in your mouth and it's not because let me tell you they did it with whipped cream and it was a fucking disaster oh why well because it went all over the floor. Oh, and it's sticky. And it's sticky and slippery. And whereas shaving cream, self-cleaning. That's true.

That's just soap. Shave all day and you'll never be clean. Yeah, anyway, so this guy hit this guy with the pie and the whipped cream. Like, it couldn't have got any more places. Like, it just splattered people. The audience, the projection screen the roof the guy the microphone

me. That's a lot of dairy. Like it was a whole pie band filled with whipped cream. Have you seen that game the Pie Face?

Yes. I've seen I've seen an ad for it. What game? It's a kids game where you you there's two

I guess you do it with two kids or two people they can be grown ups it's like a board game and there's a kids game where you you there's two I guess you do it with two kids or yeah two people who think of me grown-ups it's like a board game and there's a little hand with a You put whipped cream on it or shaving cream or shaving gel Which is all I have And then I don't know what you do. You tap a thing?

It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos? Yeah, you're trying to move the hand over towards your opponent. And then when it gets to a certain level, it flips up. Fun. Yeah, I guess. Hasbro. Doesn't sound like it requires much skill. No, it's Hungry Hungry Hippos style.

Does that require much skill? I prefer 13 Dead End Drive. What's that? Actually, it's like a murder mystery board game. It's kind of like Clue, right? 13 Dead End Drive. Yeah, it is. I feel like I played that.

Is that a kid's game or an adult's game? I think it's for teens. I think it's for cool teens. Yeah. The first board's for teens. I think it's for cool teens. Yeah. Well, then... The first board game for teens. Forget Dream Phone. Yeah, there was Dream Date, whatever.

Boy Zone. Dream Phone. Phone Bangers. Because now there are games... Like, you wouldn't play, whatever, Settlers of Catan with a kid, would you? I doubt it. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I guess when I was a teenager, we would play Risk.

That was... Yeah, that's a very teen game, actually. I'm sure you can play as an adult, but it seems very teen. Yeah, but I feel like Settlers of Catan, that would be like what teens now would play. Yeah, okay. Right? Not cool teens. I don't know board games. I would Yeah, okay. Right? Not cool teens. I don't know board games.

I would like... Jenga. That's good with teens. I always have fun playing board games. What the hell was that? It was... Dave Shumka, Foley artist. What the fuck was that?

Nicole hit her mug against her glass and it sounded like a phone message thing. Do it again. No. That wasn't it. Wait, wait, wait. Ten more.

That was the haunting sounds of 13 dead end drives. Oh, no. What I was going to say is I like playing board games, but I never want to play board games. No. Like, if I'm doing it, it's great. Well, yeah, once you're into it, but sometimes people will have board game nights. Yeah.

That's the whole point. A lot of people do that and not invite me. Yeah. That's a very popular thing to do. My friends made up a very bullshit,

but very fun because my friends are weird. My sweet weird friends made up a game called Who is the Witch? I don't know. My friends made up a game called Who is the Witch?

Okay. Which is like Jenga except every piece is weird and you try to build something up super high but it's like all of the garbage pieces they had in their house. Okay. Just like pieces of garbage? pieces they had in their house okay um just like pieces of garbage well there's like there's like a random selection of like duplo and wood and then also like

pieces of paper and your goal is to pile it as high as possible but one person's goal is to just fuck it up and make it like try to make it higher, but harder for everyone else. Oh, okay. She's the witch. Huh. I used to play this game called Othello based on a play. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people from all over the place. And if you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Bonnie in New York. Bonnie. What's that? Is that short for something?

Bonita. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Because we're looking at baby names. And Margo, our first kid, that's short for Margaret. But we didn't call her Margaret and then shorten it to Margo. You're right. And there's so many names that are like.

Yeah, Bonnie, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, okay. Thanks for nothing. It's short for Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. There it is. Bonnie names that are like. Yeah, Bonnie, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, okay. Thanks for nothing. It's short for Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. There it is. Bonnie, that makes sense. So I have a long commute, and I see a lot of fantastic license plates.

That being said, I saw two great ones in less than 24 hours yesterday. On my drive home, I saw a Jeep Grand Cherokee with a license plate that read, My Boobie. So why my boobie? Why, what does that mean? My boobie. Okay, I don't know why you're looking at Dave and asking that. Nicole, what does it mean?

I don't know. My boobie. Maybe it was, it might be half of these license plates, I assume, are just given like, I bought you this car and I gave you this cute nickname license plate. Yeah. You're my boobie. How is it spelled? Is it B-O-O-B-Y? Yeah. Hmm.

Because you were saying my bubby? Yeah. Like maybe it's a cute pet name. Yeah. My boobie. That might be a cute pet name for people who are dumb. People who don't know that it also means a breast. Then this morning, a D-bag, their words, in an older BMW was weaving in and out of the practically stopped traffic.

To my delight, and I promise you this was real, his license plate read dirt bag with two g's nice how are these people getting eight characters on a license plate i don't know yeah i guess just as many as will fit right yeah sure yeah vanity ones you can screw with but that's a that's a eventually a lot of vanity that's a lot of vanity that's hub a lot of vanity. That's hubris. That's a hubris plate. You used to have to use your noodle and kind of spell something one way or the other. And she throws in this one more. There's a person I see pretty frequently that has a license plate that reads Dino Roar. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Well, that's just cute. Yeah. Dino Roar. We can all get on board with that. Yeah. Well, that's just cute. Yeah. Dino roar. We can all get on board with that. Yeah, for sure. This next one comes from Matt in Portland. Last week, a building on my block exploded from a gas leak. It shook my house, scared everyone.

Luckily, no one was seriously injured. A friend of mine works at a grocery store down the street and he was there and he was getting to work when it happened. He overheard something and passed along to me and boy did it make my day. So remember a building just randomly exploded and right away people didn't know what was happening

he hears a guy yelling into his phone, don't come downtown there's been a bombing, don't come downtown I'm gonna go to starbucks and grab a latte i mean otherwise the terrorists win yeah that's right there's no reason to alter your entire day life goes on instantly unless you haven't had your caffeine yeah i'm not responding to this until i've had my coffee um have you guys ever wasn't there there was an explosion on broadway some years ago that was the same similar kind of

thing it was like a gas leak and uh it's like a whole front of a building got blown out where broadway and what it's like broadway near cambie i don't know yeah it was weird It was like Broadway near Camby. I don't know. Yeah. It was weird. It was like a weird random thing. And then it was like an explosion. I think everybody thought it was an attack. And then they're like, nah, it's just some guy left an oven on. Oh, yeah. And it exploded a whole building. Jeez.

Yeah. Careful with those ovens, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even, you know what? Even electric ovens. Make sure they're off before you leave the house. And don't put them on self-cleaning mode when you leave the house. Oof.

Well, why? What does that do? Self-cleaning mode, I think it just, it's like for six hours, it puts it up to like 900 degrees. It just like cooks itself? It cooks all the dirt out. That's terrifying. Yeah. Wow.

I mean, it's not. I wish I had that. It makes your house stink because everything's getting burnt to a crisp. Oh, yeah. I've only done it once. And then I was like, I don't have a lot of spilly pies. I can just, whatever gets dirty in there, I can just clean by hand. This last one comes from Daniel.

Part's unknown, but he was waiting in line for a ride at Universal Studios Hollywood. This group of complaining kids kept me entertained with many weird complaints. But my favorite was when a group of women, uh, went through the handicapped entrance of the ride and the oldest kid yelled, ugh, some feminist just cut in line. That's a kid just trying out, just trying out new words. New little character. Yeah. Yeah.

I taught a group of kids recently who for five minutes just yelled back and forth at each other. You're triggering me. You being triggered triggers me. You being triggered by my triggering triggers me. Five minutes. And how many trophies did you give them? Then did anybody do a dab?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Probably. They probably did. And were you like damn Daniel to them? No, because I don't know what that one is, Dave. It's a guy who wears white vans and another guy thinks it's okay. What?

I don't know if I'm familiar with this, too. This is like a year old. Some days I just miss it and then I don't try and catch up. Yeah, damn, Daniel. I'm going to educate you guys. Here we go. Dave's sitting on a chair backwards now. He took off his shirt and he's putting it on backwards what the hell's going what is he teaching us here he's backwards he's walking through a fire

fire entrance he pulled down his pants and he has a butt where his wiener should be he's blowing our minds he's combing in the front of his head Anyway, damn Daniel In addition to overheards That are written in We also accept your phone calls If you would like to call us

Dig this We've got a phone number And what you can do Is you can put this number into your phone right now so you don't forget it like I do every week and then have to scramble to our webpage to look it up if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631

that is 1-UGH-SPYPOD1 big yawn did that get caught? iPod one. Big yawn. Did that get caught? Well, by somebody. Oh, no. Hi, Dave and Graham and maybe guests, maybe not.

Either way, I'm sure it's a delightful episode. My name is Liz and I'm calling from Baltimore, Maryland. I was just shopping in Target and I was standing in line. There was a mom with two little girls behind me getting Barbie dolls. And the one little girl looked at the mom and showed her the doll and said, you're paying for this. You know that, right? And the mom laughed and said, yes, I know. And so I was laughing at that already. And then as I was paying for my goods at Target, her little girl said so seriously, looking at her Barbie doll, she said, I'm going to cut her open.

Real Dexter Jr. Yeah. You can't cut a Barbie open, isn't it? No, you could if you had something sharp enough. But is it solid or hollow? I think they're pretty hollow they're hollow oh actually no they're not a solid plastic but but how many the legs are the legs are for sure okay i'd bet the arms are but they're like tiny and the torsos are the torsos two-piece

i don't know guys i haven't two-piece what do you mean by two-piece? Like two pieces stuck, like a front piece and a back piece stuck together. As opposed to one claw. No, I think it's one. I don't know. I don't. I know that tonight is the night when two become one. Is it? Yeah.

I need some love like I never needed love before. Wanna make love to ya, baby. Had a little love. Now I'm back for more. Wanna make love to ya, baby. Yeah, too late. No. I was waiting.

A feminist cut in line. Here's your next phone call. Sorry. Hi, this is Erica from Texas calling with another overheard slash kids say the darndest. I was at my son's school volunteering and a little boy who is, I think he's six. His name is Gates. He came up to me and said, are you Owen's mom?

And I said, no, I'm Callan's mom. And he said, oh, I thought you were Owen's mom. And he said, I don't know Owen. And he said, if you just think about Owen, you will know him. I mean,

while she was saying that, I was trying to picture an Owen. Pretty sure I got there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scrappy kid. Dirty blonde hair. Dirty blonde for me, too. Yeah. Oh, man.

I mean, that's probably Owen Wilson's doing, right? Maybe. Oh, sure. Maybe. He's probably the top Owen. Oh, boy. Uncle Owen from Star Wars. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Too soon. Yeah, Star Wars. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Too soon. Yeah, too soon. Oh. I can't think of another Owen. Well, there we go. We did it. Look, I'm going to Google Owen and see what it auto-completes.

Owen. Owen Wilson. That's it. Owen money. Owen money. That's what the government likes. Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests.

This is Ira from Baton Rouge with an overheard. I was standing outside a concert waiting for my Uber to come, and there was a group of girls smoking and talking a few feet away. I couldn't really hear what they were talking about. One of them suddenly kind of stepped away from the group and was texting for a minute. And then she just sighed and said to herself, Celine Dion, get out of my head. How many people is that that point? Stop controlling my thoughts Celine Dion.

I like that she personally knows Celine Dion in my brain and this is just like she's done something emotionally. Celine Dion is always finishing my sentences. Is that a good impression of her? I mean it was and then I don't know. There's something there.

Last night there was a Canada's Walk of Fame. Oh, is that? Jeez Louise, they do a bad job of publicizing things. There was a ceremony on TV for that, and it was Corey Hart. Oh, yeah. Was getting inducted sunglasses yeah sunglasses only at night okay and uh so there's a video of celine dion wishing him the best oh i thought like they were inducting her and she's like i'll send a video i think she's gotta already be here

yeah you gotta and then there was someone else. And then the tennis player, the person who personally came to induct him was non-Canadian female tennis star, Chris Everett. Huh. I wonder. Yeah, why? His daughter went to her tennis academy. Is what I gathered. It's one of those things where they just put out a call. Does anybody like that song?

If you're famous, write back to us. And Nelly Furtado performed it. Oh, so it was the whole ceremony was just for him or that was just the only portion? Yeah, I think Al Waxman was also inducted posthumously.

But it was a two-hour thing and I saw the last half hour. A two-hour extravaganza. And the last half hour two hour extravaganza and the last half hour was all him wow and one quarter yeah so that's the headline act was uh cory hart literally i forgot his name that's why i was like cory booker former mayor of trenton new jersey yeah, yeah Newark Is he a senator now? I think so, yeah He's a

I don't know He's a fascinating documentary What was that called? That he was in Oh, I don't know I've never heard of him Well, time to get educated Yeah

Why don't you spend a little less time Being a dumb idiot And a little more time Being cool like me and Graham? Thanks, Dave. Thanks. Dave just rode off on a skateboard and left me here holding the ball. Don't, Dave. Earlier when you told me to click the glass 10 more times, I know you meant it as a joke, but I did it 10 more times.

We heard you. And then audience Dave glared. He glared. That's my face. It's just what I do. Well, this is the end of the episode. So now if you want to plug anything that you got coming up, January, maybe a February. Okay.

March, April. Sure. A May, a June. Oh, fine. Yeah. July. anything that you got coming up january maybe a february okay march april sure boy oh fine yeah july okay sure yeah august september october even i could i actually could plug a thing in august okay um go hit it november all right well let's see What do I have to plug? Obviously, Bad Dog Theater. It's great. It is December. Dave? Dave? So Bad Dog Theater, that's ongoing. Dave, shut up.

Graham, keep talking. Dave, shut up. No, no, no. You keep talking. Bad Dog Theater ongoing. I have a show called The One, which is like a bachelorette themed show that will be on fridays in january uh you know unless something changes after this gets aired um which i don't it's coming out in a few weeks you guys yeah you're really uh yeah check out

i'm teaching at an improv summer camp for adults in august it's called Camp Zip Zap. It's going to be in Montreal. So, you know, check that out so long from now. Oh, yeah. Just go to Bad Dog in Toronto and have yourself a good old time. Where can people find you online if they want to follow? Oh, me? Yeah. Well, you can find me online.

On Tinder. On Tinder. yeah well you can find me online on tinder tinder gross at santa's little devil it changes per month oh god

I have a twitter account oh I don't have to

say it if you don't want to Twitter account. Ew, the rather. You don't have to say it if you don't want to. I was just laughing internally because I haven't tweeted in a while, but I have a Twitter account,

NLPassmore, and then I have, if you can find my Instagram account, you can see the one picture I've ever posted, which is a cat sleeping in a box of pizza. Pretty good.

A full pizza bar? Yeah. Well, the pizza's in one half and then the cat's in the other half. And then I'm underneath it all. Oh, like Shakira. Yeah.

You can find me at Nicole Liliane, which is L-I-L-I-A-N-E. It's French. Yeah. Or, you know, check me out. Google me. Google me. Yeah, Google Nicole Passmore. See what pops up.

Sure. Thank you for being our guest. Thank you for having me. If you out there like the show, you should go over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. There's pictures of Wayne Gretzky with his chocolate bars. Sure.

And maybe the Blue Berets. Othello. Othello, the game. Zombie by the. Maybe, oh, I would say two plates of madeleines should probably I think it was half a tray

it was half a tray of meringue oh yeah a full tray of madeleines it was two plates of madeleines two plates of beignets oh shit

damn damn I really wanted to be right oh boy you'll get there a feminist got in front of me and lied and if you like the show please tell your friends You'll get there. A feminist cut in front of me in line.

And if you like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.