Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 476 - Ron Lynch

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

Comedian Ron Lynch joins us to talk magic, face toast, and birdseed.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 476 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who I think he would do well to have flip-clip sunglasses on his glasses, Mr. Dave Shumka. I bought a clip to put on my glasses to make them into sunglasses because it was cheaper than getting prescription sunglasses right and uh i considered the flip clip but it's it's too i mean i couldn't find the one i wanted but i feel like it's a fun joke it is it's a fun joke and it's fun to like you enter a room wearing sunglasses and everyone's like hey why are you hey what what kind of an asshole do you think you are? And you flip them up.

Who, me? That's the joke, I think. So they clip onto the middle of your glasses. They clip around the edges and then there's like a lever on top that flips them up. But I just got the clip. Fair enough. And that voice you hear

is our guest today. Very funny comedian, actor. He is the host of The Tomorrow Show, which is having its second last show at the Steve Allen Theater in Los Angeles this May. Well, actually, the building comes down in July. I'm sorry. Oh, do you have a show in July as well? Yeah, there's probably one or two shows in July and that's it. And then are you moving somewhere? It's Ron Lynch. Maybe. Oh, do you have a show in July as well? Yeah, there's probably one or two shows in July and that's it. And then are you moving somewhere? It's Ron Lynch.

Maybe. Oh, hello. Hello. Maybe, maybe not. I've been offered some theaters, but then also there's a guy that runs all the theater in that building and he's looking for a space. So if he gets a space, I'll probably go with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the area.

But, well, let's get with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's in the area. But, well, let's get to know us there. All right. Get to know us. How long have you been hosting this show for? The day that they hand the paper over to have the building destroyed. The next day is our 13th anniversary. Wow.

13 years. Yeah. Weekly? exactly yeah we've been doing this for nine i know we were little children yeah that's true we started on a playground you remember like growing up and could you imagine doing something for 13 years yeah that was always weird when adults would be like boy 20 years ago i and then you're like right you just couldn't even conceive of 20 right but 20 is older than me yeah that's more than me they just did that one thing yeah for 20 years right and like time goes does time go faster like i feel like 10 years ago is like 1995 oh really yeah yeah you're not playing as much that's why you're aware of time away more than you are as a kid oh i still play a lot

but there's not you don't have any control over your time when you're a kid. Like, you're always told where you have to be. None of us has any control over time, Graham. We're not the supernatural being. Let me explain how time works. But you know, when you're a kid, like, you don't get to be like, I'm going to just play in the sand for three hours. But like, so there's not people who are like, you know, they see a bad movie and they're like,

that's two hours I'll never get back. And other people are like, oh, I'm going to get that time back back i'm one of the weirdos that has has that uh magic time power um ron's ron's found something on his phone i gave ron wi-fi and i've regretted it ever since um now you uh you're kind of on a tour first time up here in the in the pacific northwest you would call yeah first time in vancouver and it's raining so you really got the full yeah i like it i like it it's cool air is clean wow air is great yeah good air do you how because i go to la from time to time and i don't notice the air being bad. Not in the outlying kind of areas, but maybe it's downtown.

Is that very like foggy? Downtown, Glendale. I don't know. Just I can sense it's better. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think maybe. Maybe in the trees, there's more oxygen being produced in the air.

Like a good tree. The air really sticks to you here, too. Yeah. With the. That's water. Oh, that's right oh all right um but you're getting like the real like vancouver like misty day this is oh yeah i don't mind it at all right well yeah it's like a like moisturizer now when you look down the end of your block and you see these gigantic mountains with snow on them, it's blasé to you now, right? Yeah, yeah.

It's just there. Yeah. That's something that I noticed in Glendale, you could see the hills. You look down the block and you see mountains. Yeah. But I don't appreciate it anymore. No, no. I definitely don't.

I think I was probably here like a year, and then at the end of that year, I was like, yeah. I have a two-year-old and a three-month-old, whatever. Yeah. One I can't talk to. We're not on speaking terms. The two-year-old, I have to explain to her, like, not everywhere has mountains. I don't have to explain to her. Yeah, yeah. But I explain to her, not everywhere has these mountains.

And look, I guess they're pretty yeah yeah yeah like i have to define nature's beauty for her sure yeah like she looked outside today and she was like oh it's a beautiful day and i said no it's not it's a bad day your child is way too positive yeah i know yeah i uh it's always weird like when you go to a kind of like a different uh topography like in uh saskatchewan kind of the middle of the country here it's just you see sky forever and i think that that's quite that's pretty great yeah uh but people there are like no mountains are what you want like Like, no, you don't understand. But I don't get like sky is of course it's forever.

No, but look, it's, it's quite, uh, I'm not impressed. So Dave's not the guy to talk to you about this big sky situation. Are you originally from California or, uh, no, uh, grew up in New York in new york long island um yeah no mountains there no mountains long island i'll never live there i'll never go back and live there did you as soon as you grew up were you like i'm getting out of this oh yeah saltwater burg i think so well i went to school in upstate new york and i just how pretty everything is, you know? I mean, not that we didn't travel, but we would go to, on spring break, we would go to Florida as a kid. And then another, it's just another completely flat place. But like hot.

Oh, so hot. And palm trees. And palm trees. And where'd you go in Florida? Big place. Well, this is crazy, but we would go, my father was a train conductor, which was like a phenomenal dad job. Oh yeah. That's probably one of the top 10.

Yeah, I think so. And, um, he would be, we get, be able to go down to Florida for free on the, on these Pullman cars, which is like, this is back in 1938. No, I'm kidding. But we would actually go to Hollywood, Florida. Hollywood, Florida. Yeah, south of Fort Lauderdale. And were you enamored with the Florida, like the heat? Because it's Long Island, so I don't know.

No. I don't know. You know, we would go to like Busch Gardens don't know you know we would go to Like Busch Gardens or some You know Some event type of thing to do there Disney World wasn't there But yeah

It was just fun Fun to take the trip I've never taken a train like that Like as a Pleasure thing I've taken the train from seattle to la how's that it's pretty great yeah you know it's some of it's great and gorgeous and sometimes it's nothing but uh did you like have a sleeper car is that a long enough trip

no oh yeah you can have one sure why not yeah 24 hour trip or something you know but not you you just did oh no no Have you seen my budget? There's a train that goes from, the continuation of that train goes from San Francisco down to LA. And if you pick the right one, it goes along the coast. Right. And it runs right along the cliffs. It's pretty great for about, I don't know,

I'm going to say 20 miles. You can like, you're right on the ocean. You can see dolphin jumping out of the water. Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen that. And then you pass an old, uh, like Air Force base where they were going to be sending rockets into space. And they built the structures and everything and then decided not to use them. NASA was?

Yeah, I think NASA. Yeah. It could have been, it could have been Air Force too, just missiles. Right. Um, there's all these structures and they tell you that on the train as you go. And this is a misused, there was an unused, uh, base meant to shoot rockets and they decided not a good place. I like, uh, is that right next to the ocean? Because I feel like an entrepreneur could come up with a way to launch rich people into the ocean.

Sure. For their own pleasure, you know? Right. Straight up and then down into the water and then the rocket comes back up and then back to launch rich people into the ocean sure for their own pleasure you know right straight up and then down into the water and then the rocket comes back up and then back to base yeah like just a fun onto a dolphin you land on a dolphin yeah you might as well add something ridiculous because what was the thing that i saw that this is a very like a rich person thing to do this summer in vancouver they have these uh I guess they're platforms that are held up by cranes. And then you eat dinner on these platforms.

Somebody was telling me about it. Like a construction site? No. Well, no, I don't think so. Or they put a crane by the ocean? They put a crane somewhere that's nice to look at. It's for this thing thing and then you're on the platform and you have to be strapped to these chairs and then you eat is it is it just like a

romantic dinner or is it a like a whole platform full of people it's like a whole restaurant now what about the waiter is he strapped to anything i guess maybe he has a bungee cord or something so he can move i i okay i was picturing it was just like two people yeah no no this is like it's like a whole restaurant in the sky yeah they make more money that way but they it's got to be like uh set menu like they're not actually could i get a bunch of substitutions well the waiters bungee jump off and come back up again. Yeah, is the kitchen on a separate thing? I don't know.

I don't know the. Or is it all just like, this is just, you're paying for the experience. The food is microwaved. Yeah. Oh, that's probably. Yeah. The food's going to be terrible, but you get to eat up on a beam. Or it's all cold.

Yeah. Yeah. By the time that they raise you up. I would do that. Except I don't like, it's like being on a boat. Like you can't leave whenever you want. Yeah. If you're like, this meal is terrible.

Let's go. We're stuck. Everybody wants clever ideas though. And that's, I guess one of them. Yeah. It's an idea. It's an idea. They eat up in the sky.

Yeah. And it's like. In defiance of God. It's like for people who liked going out to a fancy restaurant has lost its luster. And it's like, if we could only really, you know, like the rotating restaurant, that kind of thing. Like we need another thing on top of just restaurant. Yeah. Restaurant's great.

You know, one out of four of those people just goes, yeah, right. All right, I'll go. No, come on. It'll be fun. All right. I hate fun. I just, wouldn't you think the birds would really. Oh boy.

Get involved. I want to, I would like this documented birds or, you know, a drone. Some brat with a drone. So it's going to be a regular thing? It's going to be like something that will be going on all summer? I think, yeah. I think it's like over a span of nights they set up these cranes. Well, they've well advertised it because you're like the fourth person.

Really? You've talked about it, yeah.'re like the fourth person really talked about it yeah you're the first person i've heard yeah and it's like it's a weird enough thing that you're like yeah that's like yeah but it's like the same as eating in a mine like it's like you're like yeah i guess that would be kind of weird or underwater yeah eating underwater would be... In a bubble? Yeah. And watching the fish float by. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, sure, right?

If you're done with restaurants. I mean, how many times a year do you go to a fancy restaurant? How many times a year? Yeah. Zero. You and I went to one. Oh, the one in Banff? In Chicago.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that was too fancy. Oh, well. Well. Oh, the one in Banff? In Chicago. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was too fancy. Oh, well. Well. Oh, okay. It doesn't qualify because it was too fancy. No, no. But that guy, the chef knew all these things and he came out to the table.

The chef knew all these things about food? They know things. They're pretty good at it. This was a really fancy restaurant. They really know, though. They really know. The chef could name like six or seven vegetables How often do you go to a fancy restaurant?

I don't know Like a year Four times I don't know how fancy you're talking though I'm talking top shelf I'm talking If you're talking cultury Okay

I'll be right over here Okay We've lost Ron Cause yeah like I would go I haven't been in a while but I would go You know a couple times a year You know get a reservation Like that's what I consider fancy

If you need to reserve a table And then you go and you're like I'll wear a sport coat And everyone else is in, uh, he's just a rich guy in sweatpants. Yeah. Oh,

this is nothing for you. Nobody dresses up anymore. No. Have you ever been to like a restaurant where, uh, the staff has to wear like, kind of like not tuxedos, but like a tie and they're all wearing like a uniform.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty. Yeah. Like you're like, uh, good. But there's something about like, like not tuxedos but like a tie and they're all wearing like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's pretty yeah like you're like uh good but if there's something about like i don't know matching uniforms at a restaurant makes you feel like you're in a different right yeah well like mcdonald's they did that yeah that's true you really took the air out of that. That's using the word uniform loosely or tightly. Now, when I was in Winnipeg this summer, that's where I met you at the Odd Block. The Odd Block Festival.

And you had mentioned that you had done shows in a place that I've only heard. In a mine. You did shows in a mine and it was good uh well people ate weird crane dinner this was cooked on a crane we brought it down into a mine that you did uh shows at the uh the magic castle oh yeah that was a highlight of my life in a way yeah yeah and you know this is the place on uh what's that show love no yeah he takes her on a date or whatever uh i want to know everything about magic castle that you're allowed to tell me because i'm sure there's also you have to be you have to be invited don't

you to see a show you have to yeah you have to know somebody who knows somebody at least or or just stay at the hotel yeah um and then you really you have to know a performer and he if he has passes that night you get a certain number of passes you can get in for free right um almost any performer can give you a card that'll get you in the door is this your card yes that card. And, uh, I just did a trick for the home listener. I did a very good trick.

It was an illusion. Liar. Okay. What was I talking about? Oh, so you, yeah, you can get it for free or if you just have a card, you have to pay like an entrance fee of, uh, 20 bucks or something and you might have to eat there. And it's good food, but it's kind of expensive but if you eat if you eat dinner there you get a uh like a vip pass to the big theater like you get to go on get on the line right in the front right

um as far as performing there though i never thought that was ever going to happen because i i do a magic act that really has no magic in it um like they're not they're not uh like ah they're not tricks oh they're tricks are they tricks yeah i don't know how to describe it exactly but um a friend of mine who's a great magician john carney he um he was allowed to book the main show because he just kept saying i don't this i don't want to work with this guy and it wasn't working out or like it was a bad match you know right so he asked for me to do the show and this guy robs a brekkie who also is a magician and we all wind up our we're also musicians so um i wrote i wrote a show uh where we were all

ghosts of the magic castle it was kind of halloween time and uh we were all ghosts of the magic castle. It was kind of Halloween time. And we were in a band and we would play like we had like gauze over our faces for the ghosts and then John made a slideshow of how we died on the Hindenburg and doing magic. And then they brought our ghosts

to the magic castle. I bet you there were magicians on the Hindenburg. I bet you there was at least one. I mean, back then, it was like a vocation. Yeah. It was a very common. Every other person was a magician. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not how good they were. They were actually magicians. Yeah, it was like there was no other kind of entertainment. Yeah, yeah, it's true. It was just magic and seances. Yeah. Yeah. But are you a magician?

In a sense, I am. All right. He's very cagey. Yeah, yeah. In a sense, I could do it. But there's no, you'll see. I know you won't see. You'll all see.

You'll see, but this will be after I do the show here. But yeah, it's a, it's a magic act. It really has no magic in it, but like, did you ever at any point do kind of conventional magic? I could,

I think I could. I've done card tricks, like real things. Yeah. But no, I'm not that great at it and I don't really have time to practice those are the two things you need you need to practice and care yeah yeah do you uh i don't care to be a good magician actually but you've seen a lot of magic did you yeah yeah yeah did you like because i've maybe seen other than on tv i've maybe seen three magicians. Yeah.

I know, I know a couple of magicians in town that are quite good, but I don't know if they're good. Cause I haven't been, you know, I don't know who the best, uh, I assume Chris angels.

I think Ron runs. I'm one of the best. Yeah. Ron's one of the best. Um, one of the all time greats. Well, one of the things I think that did it for me, the i really love magic it was the magician comes to came to our college

and performed and he did the thing where his he just kept flipping his hand back and another card would appear but a lot of cards and his arm never left the outstretched position huh and then like a ton of cards and then maybe one more you you know, one more, one more. And he kept doing it like that. And I just watched, and I, where were they coming from? Yeah.

In the physics of it, where are those cards coming from? There's no way that he has a spring coming out of his jacket or. He might. His hand is hollow. Did you ever figure out how it. I kind of know how it's done, but I don't.

But you won't reveal the secret. Graham, I know nothing of this, but I'm just going to spoil it. It was a spring. He had a little spring. Oh, yeah, a little spring that just shot cards into him. Yeah, because I haven't taken the magician's oath. I can ruin these tricks for people. His hand was basically just hiding a device that was behind his hand,

flipping cards over into his hand. What device? A card flipper? No, no. I believed you. Yeah. Because sometimes when you hear how a trick is done, it's all, it's like, oh, there's a hydraulic pump under the stage. And that's, you know, the air shoots out at different locations.

That would be the opposite of how my act is. There's no devices at all, ever. It's all you. It's all me. Because I think like, I don't know, I feel like every boy at some point has to make a decision whether he's going to get into magic or not. You decided one foot in, one foot out? I don't know. I didn't do it as a kid.

I had a chemistry set. Ooh. But, um. Tungsten. Oh, yeah. My girlfriend. My girlfriend at the time in LA bought me this, like, box, this big square black box that said magic on the side. And you take it apart, and there were all these crappy magic tricks inside.

Made of plastic, like the cups with a ball underneath it and a book that said how to do magic and then the the box would open up into a table and you could do the magic on top of it that's pretty good so i just brought it to the club one night without opening anything and i pretty much opened it up on stage like an idiot and didn't say anything i just kept like miming the tricks and stuff and then pulled the book up how to do magic and never really did any and that's what that's what started what i'm doing now i guess but um i bought when i was like 22 i bought a book on how to do card tricks yeah and i couldn't shuffle like that's the the basic thing i like i still. And that's, you really just need to be able to do that. That's step one.

Also, the card pack I had, it was during the George W. Bush's Iraq War. Oh, yeah. I remember when they had the card deck of all. They were like, you know, Saddam Hussein is the ace of spades and Chemical Ali is the king of hearts. It was one of those it was based on one of those but it was this like right wing uh it was like enemies of of conservatism so it was like michael moore and hillary clinton but you could be the topical magician is that a thing is there such a thing as a topical magician there's a space for everything yeah yeah one that you rub on your body thank you thank you um but yeah like that little magic

uh kit that you get when you're a kid from an ant yeah whatever yeah uh watching a kid trying to do a magic trick for the first time the most hilarious slash cutest thing that can ever happen. Because they're not going to get it right. The ball's going to roll out from where it's supposed to be hidden. It's going to be super embarrassing, but going to try to get it back together. I was watching one out of 10, though. We'll get it. Yeah.

And be good at it. And then that's a magician is born. I've seen teenagers do magic at the castle. Because on Saturday or Sunday afternoon, they have a special show. And it's like all these kids that are learning magic. Right. And by kids, I mean, you know, 14 to 17 to 18, maybe. It's a rough age for magicians.

Yeah. Younger, too. Rough age. But, like like i don't know yeah because that's the other thing to becoming a magician is you have to hold on through those cynical teen years right like all right where's your card why don't you find it. I don't even care. It's in the deck somewhere here. But pretty good, right?

I'm good. Yeah. I knew a kid in... That's great. Yeah. Anyways, end of story. But he like... That was his part-time job all through junior high and high school was doing kids parties as a magician uh-huh which is like

one of the best one of the toughest audiences yeah way yeah yeah my act actually is it's like ironic. So kids even more so say, you didn't do anything. It's in your pocket. You know, they know exactly what I'm doing it on purpose. So, you know, making fun of magic. But they're observing me as a magician. Well, kids don't even know that mountains are beautiful. Yeah, let's explain that to them. Yeah, I felt like i was explained to that

mountains are something to behold look kids mountain what's the matter with kids today i know i don't know same thing that was a matter with them yeah the other day wait actually paul lynn said that didn't he and uh by by birdie yeah yeah that's your that's not your original phrase no I didn't I just want to say that Every time I say something That I know Is something I didn't say

I I point out Who said it That's your That's your trademark That's my Well I just I feel guilty

If I don't do that Like if it If it gets a laugh Or something You're like That wasn't me Right Yeah

Well I do that Constantly in my act But Now why are there no comedians who do covers musicians can do covers of other people's songs but comedians can't just do other people's jokes there was a guy uh alan gold who was still around um who did a bunch of he would do comics comics. And I think one, I'm going to say one out of five of the jokes would be a joke that that comic actually said. So he would do impressions of comedians.

Okay. Oh, people would love it. Um, and I never knew how I felt about it. Cause that is kind of a loophole. Yeah. I'm doing an impression of the person.

So of course I'm going gonna do their standard thing right yeah their material yeah that it's a tough one there's apparently when i was starting comedy here there was rumor that there was a guy somewhere in the interior that was touring with an act that was all other comedians jokes but he would credit them after oh or at the beginning he would go well you may know this uh next comedian is uh you know very famous here in canada brent butt and then he would do five brent butt jokes wow wow like a greatest hit yeah and that was his act and but not an impression he would no no not an impression just like i've heard a lot of jokes in my time.

And here are some of my favorites. This is a collection of some of my. Yeah. And I hope you guys enjoy listening to them as much as I. Right. Wow. But I never saw this guy. I don't know if this is a true or if that was an urban legend that this guy existed.

But I heard it from multiple sources. I'd see that. Yeah, I think I would go see it too yeah there's a guy i saw a youtube ad and he does robin williams like he does like an hour as robin williams and that's weird right yeah although there are people who do like an hour of Neil Diamond. Yeah. That's okay. I don't know why I don't think that's weird, but I think an hour of Robin Williams is kind of. Yeah, it's not any weirder.

Yeah, it is. Is it? But I think so. I don't know. What about like the guys that do like a Groucho Marx? They do like an hour is Groucho, like an evening with Groucho. Like who? Well,

there's been shows. There's been, um, yeah, like Broadway. Well, I do a Broadway show right now

about the Marx Brothers. A friend of mine is in, but I don't even know if it's still running. I guess I should stay in touch with him. Yeah, some friend.

Yeah. Well, I do an hour as Mark Twain. Yeah. It's been done. What? Yeah. I would not, as far as I know. Well, the do an hour as Mark Twain. Yeah. It's been done. What? Yeah.

Not as far as I know. Well, the Mark Twain is really bad, so it's actually, a lot of people think it's Colonel Sanders. Wow. I'm glad you brought that up, because I was wondering what that big white mustache was that you had on. Who was it? Wasn't there somebody famous who was doing? He was showing up as Mark Twain. kilmer maybe oh maybe val kilmer did it too yeah yeah like he but he was showing up like at concerts and stuff and doing like a set as mark twain wow yeah opening

for like red hot chili peppers at concerts i would love that if it was if it was red hot chili peppers or some big stadium act just had like but first here's bread pit as mark twain please put your phones down and enjoy i have been a writer for years. I like to write about the Mississippi. You don't know what the show would be either. Right, yeah. My real name is Samuel Clements. I actually didn't wear a white suit. I wore a gray suit.

And hated cigars. Oh, I would love just uh going to like you know one of those places where they have somebody dressed as abraham lincoln yeah telling the story but he's just like loosely yeah like well i'm on the penny yeah there are no color photographs of me. Nobody ever had a hat like this. Do you think you wore that hat just the one time and then that became his signature hat? Like he wore it as a silly photo or? I don't know. I think it was a popular hat at the time. Yeah, I guess so.

It's a stovepipe hat that existed, but you see other people occasionally in a shot of a bunch of people in the street or something, and you'll see one. I'm trying to think of what the parallel hat would be now. Now, like backwards red Yankees cap? Yeah, maybe. Red Yankees hat, that's great. Like turtle wears? Yeah. I just, you know, like, there's only so many photos of a guy like abraham

lincoln so even if he wore that hat in one of them that's you know probably like 10 of the total right photos right and when he became president he didn't have a beard so i saw a picture of him from 1860 no he didn't have a beard no you. Can you imagine if Donald Trump just grew a mustache-less beard over the next year? Just this weird blonde, fleshy thing. I did think about that the other day, because there hasn't been a president with facial hair since. Taft. Damn right, we just talked about that uh but i was picturing like a president coming back from holiday with like the holiday beard of being like well it's not an election year i'm keeping it yeah that my

whole second term i'd just be yeah that's true. Just like, you know, never wearing a tie. But it's weird that presidents... I'd be the first president in jean shorts. There's probably somebody under government pay that just goes, sir, you have to shave today. Sir, you have to shave.

Just follows them around with a razor and a towel. It's her job. Why is it her? It's her or his job to. Women can do whatever they want. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Fellas. Even a valet. Yeah. A woman can be a valet. Oh, no. But what if they get a standard car?

They can't shift gears. Not that kind. Oh. They can't shift gears. Not that kind. But all the ex-presidents, you know, when they get together for like a photo of all the living presidents, none of them have grown a retirement beard. Well, Letterman did. Oh, he's not.

No, I don't think, other than Letter, who are the famous Retired beardos? Jon Stewart He's definitely been all Mr. White Beard Ever since he retired So it's really TV hosts Maybe Bob Barker grew a mustache For a week I don't know

Maybe Johnny Carson had a mustache at the end Yeah, yeah I can really maybe Johnny Carson had a mustache at the end. Yeah, yeah, I can really picture Johnny Carson with a mustache. Some days that's all I do. You're on TV for decades of years and you can't shave. Yeah. And then when it's over, all right. No, you have to shave. You have to shave, right?

Yeah, and then all of a sudden. What did I say? You can't shave. You can't shave. That's, you know. That would be a cool rule. Yeah, you have to just not shave the whole time. That's only the orthodox talk show hosts have to grow a beard.

Have you, you've been on late night talk shows, right? As what? I mean, yes, I have. To do a set? I did Stand Up On Conan in New York yes i did to do a set i did stand up on conan in new york used to do sketches on conan in new york um conan seems like it would be a fun one to do oh yeah the guys were great and he and you know he seems like a really cool guy and he is a cool guy but he is in charge he's he come during the rehearsal he'll just go, Really? No. What is that? And he's right.

He's right about whatever he says. He's always right. They don't do a lot of sketches now, so they trimmed that down a bit. Because he was exhausted of coming in and pointing out problems? That was always my favorite part.

I don't really watch much late night anymore, but that was all, like, I loved the sketches on Conan. Yeah, I always kind of thought, like, the front part of the late night show is the best, and then the talking to celebrities is real done. Yeah.

And then whatever at the end is good. Band or stand-up. Yeah. So why isn't that one just cut out a half hour of the show and just have that be the show? Right. And then we can just all enjoy that. Sketches and music. Yeah. I mean, that's basically a variety show.

Right. Yeah. That's not really a talk show. But that's, you know, do we need to see whoever? Bradley Cooper trying to be funny? It's funny. I've been doing a lot of that lately going, all right, no one will listen to this. I don't care.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have the power to not. Do they really have anything to say that I'm going to go, wow, okay. Well, I think Fallon's interviews are good. Yeah, that's true. I like that he's a fan of everyone.

Yeah, no matter if they're funny, he'll laugh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's right. If they're bringing the heat that particular night, he's not afraid to let loose and have a good time. Even if they're not bringing the heat, he'll let loose. Did Kimmel once with Craig Anshan, and Craig Anshan was Phil McCracken telling bad jokes,

just like Las Vegas jokes. And he had his hair, he had a wig and smoking a cigarette. Um, he's kind of a tall, skinny guy and I stood behind him in a tuxedo. And in my mind, I was a professional percussionist and I was basically doing rim shots for all of his jokes, but they were like really too professional and too tight and, um, and off just off just enough. And, um,

he just keeps getting mad. And, um, then I approached, uh, and I knew those guys better at the time, but I just said, uh,

what if I did rim shots for the guests? And, uh, Jimmy just went, just ask him. It was, it was Ben Stein and Jerry Springer. Oh, Ben Stein went, just ask him. It was Ben Stein and Jerry Springer. Oh.

Ben Stein went, oh, I prefer not doing that. And then. Pretty good Ben Stein. Jerry Springer. Would you do an hour of Ben Stein? I could. Bueller. Yeah.

He and Jerry Springer went, yeah, that sounds like fun. Yeah. He and Jerry Springer went, yeah, that sounds, that sounds like fun. Yeah. So he would be, would tell something and he actually set up a couple of things as like straightforward jokes.

And I just stood behind him on the couch, behind the couch and just went, that was like really fun. That was super fun. It feels like Jerry Springer would be a guy who would be up for fun. Right. However, now on Kimmel wouldn't do it.

They would just, they were a little looser in the beginning. Oh, at the very beginning they would drink. Yeah. And he. Like it was the 60s. He also didn't wear a tie. I remember he was the only late night. Yeah.

That was like. Tried it. Does he have a beard now? He had a beard for a while. Like a sort of transparent beard. Like it looks a little painted on. Transition beard. Yeah, he has one of those beards

that when the sun comes up. Yeah, like Jerry Springer hosted this game show that I was obsessed with for quite a while that I think they shot. Oh, the suitcase thing? Yeah.

What was it called? Baggage. Oh, that was baggage. Yeah, yeah. That show was the best. It was the best show because it was all actors that were like, I just got to get on camera. And they would all say, did you ever see the show? Oh yeah.

I loved it. And Jerry Springer, they were feeding him these corny lines and he really committed to them. Such a good show. I understand why you loved the show. However, I couldn't handle it. It was entertaining in its own right after watching about three

of them and then I think I was done. Yeah, I spaced them out over, this was over several years. And some of the things are just ridiculous and stuff, and there's no way the girl, after finding out some of the things, would go. Yeah, I think, you know, if he's willing to, you know, let me always have a cat on my shoulders, then I think, yeah. Then I can look the other way on the prostitution thing so the show was you would you would bring up your baggage yeah you would have three suitcases your small bag was just something that was kind of like you know i bite my nails and then the second bag was a little bit more dicey you know like uh my mom pays my rent okay

and then the last one would be the real doozy you know i uh i go to a strip club three times a week okay well maybe your mom wouldn't need to pay your rent if you and that's the kind of line jerry springer would sometimes ad-libbing and the audience would laugh would i when he had his talk show which he maybe still has okay but that last the you know the first 58 minutes of the show is chaos and everyone's a horrible person and he's complicit last two minutes of the show he's like mr wisdom yeah yeah and what was his sign off uh be excellent to each other and each other yeah take care of yourself and each other but it would be this like you know he's seen the light yeah yeah you know when i started out today's journey

i was this but now i'm your dad again uh yeah his show he's still hosting that show yeah yeah on a set that looks like a sewer it does it looks like it has a big vent like it's those like where the bands would play on saturday night live in the 80s but there's like it wasn't always like that i think at some point it was just a conventional talk show set and then they were somebody came in and was like you guys guys are the dirty. Yeah, get nasty. Yeah. Now, the suitcase show, it's completely possible that it's just actors and writers that wrote things in suitcases. Absolutely. And I think a lot of the people that were participating were people who were actors in Hollywood that were trying to. And they would list their occupation that wasn't

actor so if their day job was waiter waiter yeah a lot of waiters shave the president and i'm a woman yeah i'm a woman who shaves the president that's my small baggage yeah small bag full circle um oh and then the big twist at the end of the show was the person who was the bachelor or bachelorette also had a suitcase with a piece of baggage that they had to reveal to the person they had picked okay and then that person then got to decide yeah so then it flipped at the last second so then that person got to go yeah i can So then it flipped at the last second. So then that person got to go, yeah, I can accept that you're. And the bottom line, it's a free date. No matter what, right? Yeah.

If you don't go on the date, they just make money from doing the TV show, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if anyone ever goes through with these dates from these shows. Unless it's a show specifically following you on your date. Yeah. unless it's a show specifically following you on your date yeah but didn't that back in the or so he says the late chuck barris was he would chaperone oh right he said a lot of things he did say a lot of things yeah there's no way to verify all what if it what if now that he's dead the

the cia was like yep it was our best offer to oh yeah yeah like now that he's dead, the CIA was like, yep, it was our best offer to... Oh, yeah. Yeah, like now that he's dead... You're right. Will we find out? I feel like if I became president, I would want to know that. I would want to know about Area 51. I'd want to know about JFK and then everything else. I think this year they have to release the JFK thing.

This year? I think so. All right. The fact that he was killed on purpose? Well, I mean, I think we knew that. That it wasn't a guy cleaning his gun, but it accidentally went off? Well, I think they know that. But I think a few years from now, it'll be Barris time.

Yeah. I want to know that because, I don't know, that book is a great read. But I don't, like, it sounds just crazy enough that it could have been an actual thing. Right.

But the movie's pretty good. The movie's pretty good. But they did go on these, like, vacations. These, like,, you know, couples or whatever. From the dating game? You're talking about the dating game. The dating game, yeah. They would go on like Jim Lang was the host of the dating game, but Chuck Paris was the producer. He was the producer, yeah. But like they would do five shows a week. Like would he go on five vacations? Was it an every night

kind of show? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just, uh, they don't do that anymore at the dating game shows. Yeah, they just have, well, I mean, that's what The Bachelor is, essentially. Yeah, that's true. I do a dating game type show at the Tomorrow Show every now and then. I don't know if we're going to be doing it again before July, but I think so.

We set it up. This is real people? It's real people and comics. Okay. Mixed up. And it's usually pretty fun. Yeah. It's usually pretty fun because it's at midnight

and we can do whatever we want. And there's always somebody who would answer with a real saucy, you know. Yeah. How would you butter my toe? Oh, try and put it in your butt. Yeah. Yeah. If you were, how would, how would you butter my toe? Oh, uh,

try and put it in your butt. The audience goes, yay. Choose him. Choose him. Choose him. I mean, the audience, it's always clear that the audience has a favorite.

Yeah. Well, they do that. They're allowed to do it at my show. You shell out numbers. Um, the first half is pretty normal. And the second half is just crazy questions and stuff. Pretty fun. And then we take them on a real date. I got a restaurant in Los Feliz, Palermo.

See, I'm plucking them. Yeah. Nice work. And they give us a free meal and drinks. And guests of the show stay where when they're on the show? They stay at their house. On their bed. Yeah, because I was obsessed with those dating shows where they just went on the date. Blind date. Fifth wheel. What was the one in, was fifth wheel

in a? A limo date. Oh, a limo date. What was the one in a limo? A limo date? A limo date? Oh, a limo date. What was the one in a limo? A limo date? A limo date. Yeah, I don't know. Seeing people go on a date is pretty fun. Like, it's more fun than going on a date. Uh-huh.

But it's never, ever going to be right because there's a camera right there. They always see the camera. Yeah. So So you're saying things like you think you should be saying things. But isn't that how you are on a date though? I guess so. Like it's just a heightened, like you're just saying things that you know that

would be a good thing to say on a date. Right. But now you're doing it like extra level because you're on TV. So it's all smoke and mirrors. Baggage was the only way to get down to the real nitty gritty. Right. If it's real at all. Yeah, well, that's true.

It kind of bumps me out to think that it might not be real. I'm sorry. It's like finding out how to magic trick us that takes a little bit of the magic away. The little device behind all the flip cards. If only I had a lot of men and women Are different aren't they Material Don't worry there's comedians doing that Yeah it's covered

Dave what's going on with you This week I have very little going on And here is How I can prove it Show your work This morning I was like oh this is the thing I'm going to talk about on the show. So I'm eating breakfast with Margo. I gave her some toast.

She has a bite and gives me the rest. And so I'll eat whatever she doesn't eat. And she was sitting on my lap. And then she did this funny thing where she pretended she couldn't get up like i was trying to lift her up and she pretended her legs didn't work and i laughed i laughed and the toast in my mouth went i guess if it was a beverage it would have gone out my nose but instead it just stayed in my sinuses for like 45 minutes oh my god and so i'm walking around all morning kind of like sniffling and you just like kind of trying to get it out but i don't want it to come on my nose no no no well i mean there's a part of me that wants it to

finish its journey so you had you inhaled quickly or something, right? Yeah, I inhaled quickly. And so whatever was the toast in my mouth shot up into my face. Wow. And that's how I died. It could have gone up to my brain. Yeah, that's true. Toast on the brain.

Oh, boy. Yeah, that's how. You would be toast. Yeah. a toast on the brain oh boy yeah that's how it would be toast yeah i smell toast i would have said yeah so eventually came out and it's one of those things of like you know if you ever have piece of corn or something stuck in your teeth yeah and you're playing with it all day and when you finally get it becomes a friend of yours yeah Yeah. When you, when you get rid of it, it feels so satisfying.

Uh, you're also a little bit sad. You won't get to play with it anymore. Yeah. That's, that, that's like, it was that times 10.

Yeah. Yeah. I've never had that before. A solid. Make it into my, uh, sinuses. Now I've seen guys can do this.

You just stick a screwdriver in the other way, right? Yeah, that's right. We only had an Allen. So you could do that, or a big nail. Yeah. Oh, I've seen people who can, like, you know, do a noodle. A noodle all the way around. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Good for them. Good for them. Good for them. Yeah. The best I ever did, we used to, like like Half swallow spaghetti and pull it up Oh from the

Yeah And you would like drink a bunch of grape juice And so you would Oh really? It would get dyed purple halfway down your throat And you'd pull it back up You know like a purple noodle To show everyone

Well there's something people at home can do now yeah yeah i mean a lot of people will do dishes or walk the dog while they're listening but you know we want you to experiment with i don't quite understand you're swallowing it you are holding on to one end yes so part of the spaghetti is going down your esophagus yeah you then drink no no you've already, you know, you've already had some grape juice. Oh, okay. Grape juice first. So like your tongue is turned purple.

Choco spaghetti second. Yeah, choco spaghetti second. Cross out your friend's third. And then, yeah, well, I mean, we're all doing it. That's true. We're at Olive Garden. We're all. Oh, so anybody can do it.

It's not just children. Oh, sure. Okay. It's got to be a long noodle, though. Don't try. Don't try bow tie. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Corkscrew would probably get it. Oh, this was a really long corkscrew. Yeah. Oh, but still. Pulling that up. That's sort of how I always imagined tonsils look like. Corkscrew pasta? Yeah.

Yeah. I can see that. wasn't there a guy oh boy uh they used to show his clip on just for laughs he used to swallow oh yeah things and then he would bring them back yeah yeah whatever the regurgitator yeah and he did it like with he would drink water and then he would swallow fish and then. He'd spit them all out into a cup and the fish would be swimming in the water. He'd swallow. But that was actually him like. Right.

Doing it, right? Yeah, there's no trick. That's controlling your stomach and esophagus and all that stuff. But surely. Diaphragm. That's not right. I'm going to look him up because he was something. He shouldn't do it.

Something the regurgitator, wasn't it? Yeah, and he did it with a, like I remember he could do it with a light bulb. Yeah. Like things that would potentially A light bulb, wow. Yeah. Because I remember that was the big scary thing. He'd do a light bulb. Stevie Star. Stevie Star. That's right. The Scottish regurgitator.

Except no substitute. Scotland's own. That's when you land in Scotland. It says home of Steve. So yeah, that's me. I had toast in my face. What's going on with you? Well, it reminds me of a gentleman in our Facebook Stop Podcasting Yourself group told a story about sticking a piece of chewing gum up his nose when he was a kid. And that when he went to the hospital, what they did was they gave him liquid cocaine to open up his nostrils so that the gum would fall out. And I wouldn't have thought that in a million years.

I would have thought they would go in with tiny, tiny grabbers. Or you'd have to wait seven years for it to pass through your respiratory system. Wow. Yeah. So. Yeah. Why? Like, I guess it must have been very far up there.

Like, I would just put more gum up there to stick to it. Yeah. Oh, and then try and just pull it out off one big piece. Yeah. Or a hook. Yeah. Some sort of little hook. Like they use on the pharaohs

Yeah exactly You gotta clean your body out eventually So Like a little hook Like you take it off of your Or off of your diary That little hook Off your spiral bound

Oh that I know what you mean now Sorry I'm just looking up what happened to me. Cause I forget. Oh, Graham, come on. This is a professional show business show. Um,

but you know, I, your phone will tell you what you did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's great.

He has an activity tracker. That's great. Now I can find out what I did. What did I do this week? You wear your Apple watch and it was like, oh yeah, you got some toast stuck in your face. Oh, you know what? I'm going to Vancouver. Oh, wait, no.

I'm here. I'm here now. Oh, yeah. This is what's been going on. So I live in this new neighborhood. Uh-huh. And like, I really like it. I like it.

It's nice. I'm not complaining. No, that's not a complaint against. Whoever's organizing the block party, I still want an invite. But there's this one house or kind of building. It's an apartment building kind of thing. But it's slated for demolition. It's got, like.

Is this a Steve Allen apartment building? Yeah thing but it's slated for demolition it's got like this is a steve allen apartment building yeah yeah it's sorry it's uh the whole steve allen brand is just is going under uh but it says it's like the future home of some credit union so it's gonna they're gonna demolish this thing but i feel like there's still maybe a guy in there oh what makes you say that because when i walk by there at night there's a light on somewhere in there and so i don't know if that's an automatic light to be like get out uh but uh like half of it's all boarded up and then there's another half that's not so i was like oh maybe people still live in that other half.

But then the other night I was walking home. It was like one in the morning and the front door was just open. Okay. And there was a light like flickering in the hallway. And it was a very Stephen King. Like, should I walk down this spooky hall? And I did not. Oh, come on.

I will next time, though. I promise you guys. I mean, I won't be here To tell the story Because the door Will close behind me Well Facebook live it We'll know

Yeah Um But the other thing is Is somebody And I don't know If it's the person In this building Or if it's like

Somebody in the neighborhood Keeps putting out like Tons of bird seed Ugh Pigeons Oh boy And we need to keep that species alive yeah i don't like and i mean not like just a little like a cup like a bag of birds like a bag of birds yeah every day is just spread out on the ground so i'm like well this is not this is done on purpose because it's only around

this building uh it's in the front and in the back and like so somebody's like purposefully attracting pigeons and rats to this building and then i was like no this you're just you're this is just crazy is what i thought i was like no they're not doing that on purpose but then yesterday i walked by and somebody had stuffed like all these tomatoes in uh like a crack where rats so somebody's like purposefully infesting this building that's being torn down yeah that's being torn down but i don't understand why would somebody do that yeah because it's not like the rats will live there for very long once it's torn down yeah like i wonder are they trying to deflate the property value or something? Right.

I don't know. Are they trying to stop it with vermin? Yeah. Oh, the vermin live here. Yeah. And now it's a habitat for vermin. Why is there no, they're really like, as much as, you know, there are people standing up for animals' rights animals rights and everything, people really aren't standing up for vermin. They're not at all.

It's a tough battle to be like, yeah, we're the rat people. Yeah, chaining yourself to a fence so that they don't tear down a place that rats hang out. There's rats in this neighborhood, as there are everywhere, I guess. Yeah. But I saw one the other day and, uh, just in the alleyway. And I'm always afraid when I put my garbage in the garbage cans back there that there's going to be a giant rat that jumps out at me. And they're more afraid of you than you are of them.

Uh-oh. And they don't have irrational fears about a giant me. Yeah. And I was comforted because I've met I've met. I've seen I've encountered a capybara which is the world's largest rodent. Where? Yeah, where? I just did a petting zoo.

Oh, okay. Not on the street. No, no, no. Oh, maybe that's what this person's feeling. My head was going, well, Ron, you're in Canada. Maybe capybaras are on the street. No, no, no. Oh, maybe that's what this person's feeling. My head was going, well, Ron, you're in Canada. Maybe capybaras are on the street. They're a South American animal. Yeah, I love that animal. Yeah, they're very cute. They're cute. But I was encouraged because I was like, oh, I've seen one of those. The rat can't be bigger than the largest rodent. No, but

because the rat I'm picturing jumping out of the garbage can, very big, and alligator mouth. Like. And you'll see those two teeth on the rat come right at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. At least that's how it's done in the movies, I think. Yeah. So I don't know what's, I don't know what's going on with this building. I don't understand

who is putting out this seed, but it's there. And where do you live again? Next door? No, like three or four. Yeah, but I walk that's my way out. And I just see like new, brand new

bird seed every morning. Well, maybe it's someone who has too much bird seed. Maybe someone inherited a bunch of bird seed. Just like inherited one of those giant bells. The Liberty Bell. The Liberty Bird Seed Bell. Well, it's either a positive thing or a negative thing.

It's a negative thing. Yeah. It's got to be negative, right? Because they don't want the building to come down or... I don't know. They're deranged. Yeah, it might be somebody who's deranged. I thought about

that but how is somebody that deranged getting so much bird seed do you think it's like like how uh you know pharmacies aren't allowed to sell that much cold medicine to someone i think if the same guy keeps coming in and getting 10 pound bags of bird seed. They're like, you're now on a list. And then he has to stand outside and ask people to go and buy him bird seed. Can you boot for me? Did you wind up seeing any birds? Yeah. Like so many.

Like hundreds upon hundreds. Because I was just picturing, you go, what if it's just a pile of bird seed that he's talking about? Are there birds involved? Are they actually eating it? Well, the thing in the day, birds. At night,

rat festival. Like it's, Do you shine a light on them? What I do is I stamp the ground and wring my, jangle my keys to be like, human coming through rats. And you tuck your, your pants into your socks

so you saw a bunch of rats eating this seed yes night wow and eating that tomato that was stuffed in that hole so much seed that the birds can't get through it in a day finishing it in a day they can't call in their friends and rats are in there working the night shift when are they tearing down this building oh god i mean a part of me wants that building to just stay there forever because once they tear down that building the rats are going to be like where do we go now graham's house yeah that's true yeah like at least pigeons will fly to some other place but rats that they like they have their haunts, you know? They're already in your house.

Oh, Ron, no! No, we've had rats. You'd hear them. You'd hear them in the walls. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Do we want to move on to over herds? Sure, after some business. Oh, no!

Life can be fun, but don't get carried away you gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day you gotta shine your shoes you gotta sweep the floor you gotta clean your house you gotta do some more take care of business stop podcasting yourself is supported in part by casper an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. Look, you've tried doing this offline. You could not get a sleep signal. Oh, boy.

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mattress and if there's one thing you should buy online it's a mattress yeah that's true because unlike when you go to a store and you gotta lie down on a mattress in front of a creep oh yeah you have a creep there and there there's like a music version of the song creep yeah which one the stone double violets or the radio? Both! It's an all-creep playlist. It's a creep music mashup. Unlike that, where you have to decide within minutes, with Casper, you get 100 days to decide. Yeah, and you don't have to go every day to a Casper showroom and try it out. I'm confused. I thought you did.

No, no, no, no. They send it to your house, Dave. And then it comes in a box. Well, I know because they... Look, I think I screwed up because they sent me one of these. Oh, that's right. In a box the size of a mini fridge. I've been sleeping in a mini fridge. And right next to some of those mini Cokes that you get on the airplane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so cute. You know, once on an airplane, I got ginger ale that said both Canada Dry and Schweppes on it. My world is being blown apart. But that won't happen with Casper. Now, you know, just this morning, I was watching that great episode of Seinfeld where Elaine's dating a guy. And he... Tits Miller?

Yeah. Oh, good recall uh yeah and uh he buys her a mattress and you know what if you're dating on a lane maybe you buy a mattress for the girl you're dating yeah that's a pretty good because valentine's is coming up in eight months plus Plus two. And, you know, if you're a creep, Halloween's coming up that much, you could give somebody a Halloween mattress. Yeah, send an unsolicited mattress to the person you love today. Yeah, or the 4th of July. And how you do that is you go to casper.com slash spy, and you get $50 toward any mattress purchase by going there. That's casper.com slash SPY. And also, if you thought that we were done with advertising, boy, are you on the wrong track, my friend.

Because we also are being sponsored by ZipRecruiter. And guys, you are moments away from hearing the world premiere of the ZipRecruiter. And guys, you are moments away from hearing the world premiere of the ZipRecruiter rap song. Okay. But first, a little sales pitch. Now, if you're a small business or medium business, or hell, a large business, you can

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Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases. I ask them questions. They're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire.

One of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bead, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman Podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks, Judge John Hodgman.

The Dead Pilot Society Podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots Thanks, Judge John Hodgman. And many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we, here in the world, hear things. And you, out there in the world, hear us talking about those things that we heard. Now, usually, we like to start with the guest. But, Ron, you say, you got, you, there's not. There's so many things that I've seen and people and overheard that um it's crazy okay you know maybe we'll get going and it might jog something loose right hopefully

it will and if it jogs it loose it'll be really loose oh yeah okay well dave mine oh boy guys mine doesn't count yeah mine barely counts with too many episodes of this show, I'm all out of them This is just a thing my daughter said to me Which barely counts as anything So I was doing a funny dance Like a funky dance, like I'm a very good I'm a trained dancer, I've trained, I'm a trained dancer. I've got beautiful legs.

Wasn't the Save the Last Dance, wasn't that based on you? Yeah, that's the most famous dance movie you could think of. Just the first one. And just in case if our listeners are just joining us on this podcast for the first time, how old is your daughter? Two and a half. Wow. time, how old is your daughter? Two and a half.

Wow. And she, uh, my, my wife, Abby was saying, uh, check out dad. What a cool dad. Yeah. He's not a regular dad. He's a cool dad. And, uh, uh, Margo just said, uh, yeah, you cool dad. Yeah, sure. So you overheard her say that to my face well so i didn't have to be too stealth about it

um but the more we get going we'll get some some better ones oh i'm sure um my My overheard was that my neighbors, I'm not sure. I haven't met my neighbors. I don't know ages or anything. You don't know Asians? I don't know ages. Do you know any Asians? Yeah, I know some Asians. Absolutely.

Name? Five. Steve. Okay. Brian. Caitlin. Men and women. Okay. Brian. Uh-huh. Uh, Caitlin. Mm-hmm.

Oh, men and women. Right, Ryan and, uh, Brian C. So, two of them are named Brian. Mm-hmm. One of them's named Brian. Caitlin. And Steve. All right. Those are the five Asians I know.

Mm. All right. Yeah. Checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but. You don't know what ages they are. Yeah. Checks out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know what ages they are. Yeah.

So I think this was to maybe teenagers, but maybe they were old ladies. I don't know. But they were talking about the weather. Because we had a couple days. So nice. So sunny. And then it really socked in again. And one of them said to the other i heard that

it might even snow and the other one that they were talking to went no it was really cute but they only did that because they didn't know that i was oh sure yeah had they known they would have said something yeah they would have been like oh sh, shucks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And these were Asians? Maybe. I haven't met them yet. Is it commercial Asians? Yeah. Yeah, these are, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did that jog anything loose for you, overheard-wise?

If not, don't worry about it, because you know what? Here's, well, I don't know. I guess it did, but not really. I was trying to think of something that I saw yesterday. But I went into what you guys call a mall yesterday. What did you call it? It was downstairs from a supermarket. Oh, was that Kingsgate Mall? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly. Ooh la la. And what do you do for gambling in this country? Go to a casino. But there were. Casinos can be anywhere. Well, no, what they have at the mall is Kino. Oh.

That's why I was asking. Yeah. Yeah. I'm wondering if they, you know, that's just like, I don't want to travel. I'm just going to do Kino. It's just, yeah. It's like lottery. It's, it's the government.

Yeah. It's a government. I walked past these guys twice in the mall, not knowing that they were looking up at a screen for Kino. And I just would pass them and they'd be just looking up. And then they would kind of look at me as I'm walking by and then look up again. And I was just looking at them because I was walking towards them and the screen was over my shoulder. So I didn't even know it. I'm wondering wondering what are

they staring at why are they looking at me anyway i wind up you were blocking keno and i finally turn around and i'm like looking at something and i look over and i see that they're actually looking at a screen for keno yeah four guys all characters um can i say that yeah um steve older brian b, older people. An older Asian gentleman. Somebody who looks like they used to cut trees down. That's amazing. You know, and two others.

And I actually heard one of them like looking up. He just went, oh, 47 again. And how many numbers come up? Like 10. So 47 really was irksome to him yeah you know how you know my feelings on 47 i've made that clear in our friendship have you ever played what do you do for gambling um i i don't yeah me neither anymore really um is that i have to be pretty bored and really have to find something to get out of the house to sit in the chair and look at numbers. Yeah. But you have the potential of winning, so it's better than sitting around your house, I guess. I mean.

Watching TV, or is it? No. Because you're losing money, too. Yeah, exactly. Well, you're in the golden age of television now. You're winning every day. You discover a new tv series that is true used to be a thing i don't know if this was a all over the place or if this was just

a local thing but they would have bingo on like a half hour of bingo on tv yeah that was weird that was a weird yeah that's crazy yeah and we there's a bingo place. Planet bingo. Is that still there? Yeah. No, this was a VFW hall. Oh, I think. And it just had a big long bingo sign.

Oh yeah. That's the one. And Kathleen just, just described to me that, oh yes. All the time. I went, it can't be 24 hours.

She went, I don't think it is. No, it's not 20, but it is all bingo all the time. Which means what you walk in the back door And you're There's suddenly like Five other people Oh no it's packed

It's packed Oh yeah Bring your own Oxygen tank Yeah Oh okay It's a lot of I get it

That type of thing Yeah And it's like It used to be that The bingo halls were The last stronghold of Smoking Smoking indoors

And they had to give it up eventually but i remember like well well into the 2000s you were still allowed to smoke do you remember watching speaking of like keno and lottery and bingo on tv do you remember watching uh like it would be even on the news they would break for two minutes during the news to physically like do the lotto drawing yeah and with the ping pong balls someone would have twist two minutes during the news to physically like do the lotto drawing. Yeah. And with the ping pong ball. With the ball, yeah. Someone would have to twist them around.

That's right. And the numbers aren't official until validated. And I remember there would be the two camera shot and then there would be just the ball tube. Yeah. That was a tight shot. And somebody had to probably just locked it off. But I like to think there was somebody keeping an eye on that camera. Oh, yeah.

And they couldn't make it any more exciting. That was, yeah, that was as exciting as they could do it. Between weather and sports. Yeah. Yeah, that is weird that they just, you know, we're your number one stuff for weather sports, news, and bingo. The lottery. But they don't show it on the lottery anymore. one stuff for weather sports, news, and bingo. The lottery. But they don't show it on the lottery anymore. No.

Or on the news anymore. Unless it's somebody hasn't claimed a giant prize. But they don't, yeah, they don't do it every, whatever, Wednesday and Friday or whatever. We've lost something there. I know. Yeah. We may never get it back. Now, we also have overheard sent info into us.

Info us? Yeah, and through us from people around the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it into sby at maximumfund.org.

This first one comes from Gregory P. Mm-hmm. I was eating dinner with my three-year-old daughter. She had three or four types of food

on her plate. I asked her, what's your favorite part of dinner? She paused and then replied, mmm, chewing. I guess that's my favorite part of dinner, too.

It doesn't really count as an overheard of your kid. I mean, that's kind of a cop-out. Graham, that was excellently read, I think. Thank you. You added characters. Can we talk to the little girl again? I'm busy. Graham, that was excellently read, I think. Thank you. You added characters. Yeah. Tone.

Can we talk to the little girl again? I'm busy. Sorry. This next one comes from Carolyn in Revelstoke, BC. I know her. Yeah. She makes a mean pie. This is overheard at the Spokane Airport.

Ah. Waitress to another table. Liquid Spokane. Spokane was growing up because we would get their news in Calgary. We'd get their. TV stations. Yeah. And there was a place called Coeur d'Alene.

Idaho? Oh, yeah. Idaho, yeah. Yeah. And there was always the strangest news stories It was just always this craze Some hillbilly had blown up a thing A trailer had blown up

It was every night Some hillbilly keeps putting out bird seed They're not hillbillies if they're in the city They're city's lickers Anyways this is a waitress to another table very seriously. After they're done racing horses, they get auctioned off to slaughterhouses in Canada, Mexico, or France. We're the only country where you can't eat horse. You go to Canada and you go to the grocery store.

You don't know what you're getting. Unless you look at it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, a horse. I've never seen horse in a grocery store here. No, but... There used to be a supermarket in the Vietnamese neighborhood. Yeah.

A few blocks from here called Horse King horse king supermarket which i liked a lot well now i now i have to ask have you ever seen horse for sale in europe oh in europe okay but not here no no but i wouldn't i they wouldn't shock me if there was if that was a thing that people what about venison do you the people venison? Venison, bison. Elk. Yeah. Elk. Okay, yeah.

And then. But all pre-frozen. Yeah. Like you're not getting fresh elk. In a regular supermarket or in a specialty meat market? More like a specialty. But the freezer section at a big supermarket might have a couple of those. Yeah.

You know, weird meats. There's always people that want game. Yeah, I guess so. And then there was, I can't remember what the name of the supermarket was, but I remember very clearly that they had frozen alligator. That was when I was a teenager being like, who? Somebody ordered obviously too much because there was quite a few boxes of it in the freezer, but who?

I guess maybe it's a lean meat? I don't know. I've had it. Yeah? Yeah. It's the old taste like chicken thing, but it's like a, you know, they just deep fry it and bread it. Was it on one of your many visits to Florida? It's not, I don't know how you would picture it.

It's not fishy at all. No, I picture it. I picture it being like a white meat. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good actually. Yeah. Yeah.

All this alligator talk has got me craving alligator. I can make you some rat. No. Yeah. I wonder what a rat tastes like. I mean, not enough to ever. Well, I do not wonder that. But I wonder what any of those, you know, what does a squirrel taste like?

You know, what is a kangaroo? I never had kangaroo. What does that taste like? Yeah, it probably just tastes like steak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but that's what that is. I bet squirrel doesn't taste good. Yeah. That's a guess. Squirrel and rat are the steak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's what that is. I bet squirrel doesn't taste good.

Yeah. That's a guess. Squirrel and rat are the same. Yeah. Same meat. Yeah. Same guy. Same tiny little styrofoam.

There's a different tail. Uh, yeah. And different climbing. Also different personality. I feel like squirrel is kind of like jittery and shy and rat is just like, I'll eat you if you fall over. Rat mean. This last one comes from Matt R. in Troy, New York. On the way home from work.

Is that near where you went to school? Yeah. It's upstate. Kind of, yeah. It's near Albany. What would Troy be famous for? Being near Albany. The state capital. So we're close to Albany. New York. Yeah, it's Being near Albany, the state capital.

So we're close to Albany. New York, yeah, it's close to Albany. So this guy is on his way home from work, saw a new billboard for Planned Parenthood. It was a picture of a young lady wearing headphones, seemingly in the middle of dancing. The billboard says, your thing, the ultimate playlist our thing birth control wow wow uh sure i mean leave it leave it to the pros yeah i mean we don't have uh we do we have an equivalent of planned parenthood we just have clinics we have clinics yeah but there's no whatever it is it's better here yeah there's no overarching uh i don't think like organization no i don't think so you just go to a clinic and then they make you read these terrible pamphlets

and then maybe maybe they'll show you something with a plastic yeah uh vagina or a plastic penis that's what i'm paying for that's my text i came in for a pap smear well let me show you this plastic vagina in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you would like to call us our phone number is pretty easy to remember because i have it. 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-SPYPOD-1 like these people have. Dave and Graham and lovely guest Aaron from Los Angeles. I've got a rare overseen-overheard combo.

I just had to stop at the UPS store. For some reason, they were unboxing Othello's incredibly large box of what I'm guessing is Packers cheesehead paraphernalia, but instead of just the famous cheese wedge, you've got a top hat in there and a helmet, baseball cap, all

kinds of things. The very nerdy UPS worker pulls something out and says, Hey, look, a bow tie. Just like Tucker Carlson. I love that you're right. America's most

famous bow tie. Abraham Lincoln is the most famous bow tie. Yeah. If Abraham Lincoln is the most famous stove top stuffing? Stove pipe hat. Then Tucker Carlson's Mr. Bow Tie. He is Mr. Bow Tie. Is there a garment of clothing

you'd like associated with you? If you had... You can pick any garment. Even if you don't even wear it if everyone was like huh what do you run lynch you're wearing spats yeah you're wearing a bow i pretty much wear a black jacket that i think i bought a k-mark 35 years ago all right yeah um yeah and i let it i I like the fact that it's relaxed and loose. I don't wear it in public. I wear it just on stage.

But is it frayed? It's not frayed. No, I have a frayed one, actually, that I use for the Magician Act, but I couldn't find it. So much for details. You made it disappear. All right. Here's the next phone call.

Hey, Dave Graham. P possible guest or no guest that's fine no i'm here i was just in target and uh there was a fellow millennial in front of me buying some apples they were honey crisp apples and uh the cashier says to the millennial, he says, uh, howdy, Chris, huh? I like pink lady apples. Do you ever have pink lady apples? And the millennial responds, not until I'm married.

Pretty good. I mean, pretty good. But also, uh, I don't like having conversations. Like, I like talking to cashiers,

but I don't want to have a conversation about what I'm buying. Yeah. Like, I want to talk about the weather, how's your day going, but I don't want them to start formulating what I'm making. Yeah. Right. That's a mark of how good the store is, too, I think. They leave you alone, or they're just nice and cordial, and they don't talk about the box of... Lubes, all the lubes you're buying.

Why seven? Why seven of these? Seven different types of lube. Because that's all you carry. One for every sin. Well, that's true. But also, why did the guy have to describe the guy as a millennial? There's a weird thing about that term, millennial, is that there's a weird thing about that that term millennial is that there's people

that they they call themselves that and i don't think that's gen gen xers were never like my gen fellow gen xers and i were yeah like i feel like that's a new thing where the millennials are like we are like this did baby boomers call themselves like i'm a baby boomer, so I don't think they did. Like, they would when describing their generation, but not. Right, no. But millennials really have taken that. Well, they're so cool that calling someone else a millennial is on top of that. It's super cool.

Yeah. Yeah. They like, you know what? They don't get it. No millennial gets it. And that's why they call each other millennial. Yeah. I have to say this and I hope this doesn't ruin everything, but how are you taking phone calls?

Oh, these are voicemails. Yeah. Oh, they're voicemails. Yeah. Okay. I thought people were like online, but you gave them number though. You gave a phone number. And they will hear it and they will leave a voicemail

Ah okay But these voicemails are from a while ago Well the last few days Oh okay Or whenever Oh because you've been doing the show So these are just Because the show is exactly the same

They come in whenever Exactly That call was from back when we used to eat apples Okay was exactly the same. They come in whenever. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. That call was from back when we used to eat apples. Okay. That's why I was asking. Your final phone call. Hi, Graham, Dave, and possible guests. Hi, how are you?

I'm Melissa from Vancouver, and I've gotten overheard. Hello. Just power through, Melissa. We were at the Vancouver Aquarium. We were looking at the sea otters and they were getting fed and just feeding themselves off their stomachs

and being adorable and a couple behind us. The woman in the couple said, Hey, isn't that the animal you always say I remind you of? And the guy turned to her and said, No, that's a raccoon that you remind me of.

There's a steep drop off. And then she looked at her and saw that she was wearing a mask. Yeah. And eating garbage. You always say, I look like the Lone Ranger. It's because otters,

everybody thinks they're cute, but raccoons, it's a real divided audience. But otters are obscure enough that if someone said, oh, you remind me of a raccoon, you wouldn't be like, hmm, he probably means an otter. Like you see raccoons often enough, you're like, oh yeah, I know a raccoon.

Yeah. Have you ever had raccoon meat? No. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of meats. You have, I take it. No. I don't think that that's a, you know, there's a lot of meats. You have, I take it. No. Oh.

I don't think that that's a, you know, is that a meat you can get? Like. I mean, you got to know a guy. Yeah, but wouldn't there be some memory of the fact that that is something that somebody eats? If it was a possibility? Yeah. Like you don't see like, You know Anthony Bourdain Eating squirrel Or Yeah There's a lot of weird animals

All over the globe That people eat The Beverly Hillbillies Would eat a possum I My old landlord Ate a possum That fell in his rain barrel

I remember that It drowned in his rain barrel Oh boy And then he ate the possum Wow That's That's pan frying Oh yeah Oh well because it's

already been whatever brined in rainwater um uh well that brings us to the end of the show here row already okay yeah thank you so much for being our uh guest oh it was fun I feel like I should have been crazier Oh it's not too late go crazy Yeah go on Oh my head Oh That was pretty good This show is in memory of the late Ron Lynch he's hit his head

Now you're Maybe second to last Maybe third to last Tomorrow This is in May Uh, maybe second to last, maybe third to last, uh, tomorrow. Show. Show. This is in May. It's going to be in May.

So this is May that we're hearing it. Yeah. You're hearing it. Yeah. Um, the last shows will be in June. Okay. In the beginning of July. And then it's gone.

Big celebrity blowout. Yes. Yes. At midnight Saturday, Steve Allen Theater, Los Angeles. You'll have Brad Pitt as Mark Twain. Right. Oh, yeah. And here's the big one.

Mark Twain. As Brad Pitt. Wow. Cool. Going to be good. Going to be good. And you listeners out there, if you've never seen Ron Lynch live and you know that he's in your city, go see him. Don't be dumb.

Don't be a dumb funny daddy. Get out there. You know what? Experience some culture. While you're out, go to a local restaurant. Maybe. Yeah. Go to support a small gallery.

And you know what? Buy a newspaper off of a kid on the street corner. Yeah. Now, we've had a lot of fun today talking about card tricks and magic and no but uh i really want to to let everyone know that you should take care of yourselves and each other i'm jerry springer i'm jerry o'Connell. Good night. Namaste. Do we have to end the show? Okay. Yeah.

We will be in Toronto on July, July 8th. Tickets may be on sale for that. No one tells us anything. Yeah, nobody. Exactly. Also, Dave. Is it a pod festival? No, we're just doing a one-time live stop podcasting yourself in Toronto.

In our nation's capital, Toronto. And May 12th, Dave will be one of the guests on Quiz Show at the Fox Cabaret. That's in Vancouver? That's in Vancouver. And you know what? If you like the show, head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures, and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Baggage. Oh, yeah. The relating to the content of this podcast. Baggage.

Oh, yeah. The best show. Picture of the Magic Castle. Sure. Wow, you're tying everything they get. Yeah, yeah. Maybe some raccoon meat. Oh, boy.

Maybe just a raccoon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a raccoon. A living raccoon who contains meat. And you know what? If you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.