Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 478 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk beer leagues, being sick, and grown-up parties.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 478 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who really misses LimeWire, Mr. Dave Shumka. We were talking about LimeWire moments before the show. What were the ones? There was Napster was the granddaddy.

Yeah. Then there was like... Kazaa. Kazaa. Morpheus, I think. Morp. Kazaa. Morpheus, I think. Morpheus. Oh, Morpheus. Yeah, I remember Morpheus.

Was one of them like something city? Like. Are you thinking of GeoCities? No, no. I think Morpheus or Kazaa was also known as like Music City or something. Yeah. And then there was one that I remember you could just like, it worked specifically with Max and it was some weird, and it only had old stuff.

It didn't have anything like if you wanted something that was current, couldn't have it. But like how old? Yeah, like if you wanted to listen to, you know, some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, you know, that kind of stuff. You want to listen to a bunch of jazz daddies. It only had stuff that was done off of a tape. Yeah, it was stuff that I wanted, but I was there anyway, so I was like, yeah, I guess I'll listen to that. I just liked how often things were mislabeled on those streaming services. Oh, God, yeah.

Because you'd type in a song title and they'd be like, it's probably Bob Dylan. I'm like, it's The Who. That voice you're hearing is our guest today. Very funny comedian, Mr. Ivan Decker. Hey, how's it going, podcaster people? Hello. I was talking to you, too. Oh.

You make podcasts. It's going all right. Yeah, we're okay. Great. How are you? I'm good. Yeah? Yeah, I'm a little tired.

Let's get to know us. Get to know us. You're a little tired. Tell us more. I'm tired because Starbucks came out with this new nitro-infused cold brew coffee, which I love. What's nitro? It looks like a Guinness.

It's really fizzy. I've seen that. It's real malty. I do love it, but it has so much caffeine. I was doing a show last night. I drank a grande during the show. I couldn't even finish it. By the end of the show, I was so wired, and I was like, well, I can't go to sleep.

Does it come in a plastic cup? Yeah, and then there's a festival beer. It's got a weird lid and no ice or anything. I haven't seen this. And it comes out so cold. Yeah, it's quite cold. It's very good. But then I found out that it has more caffeine than like anything else.

Oh, really? Like more than even like a Red Bull or a Monster? It's like as much as like a Trenta Americano. What is that? A Trenta is like a venti and a half. Whoa. Whoa. It's 30 venti and a half. Whoa. Whoa. It's how big of a cup?

It's 30 ounces. Yay. Which in metric is 30 ounces. I mean, it's one less ounce than the Sublime album was to freedom. Wait, wasn't it 40 ounces? Yeah. Sorry, 10 less ounces. Did I say one less?

Yeah. Yeah, it was like 29 ounces to freedom 31 ounces to baskin robbins so you drank this cold cold coffee yeah and then i was up till like five in the morning oh no and then only slept for three hours and then could not like normally when i wake up in the morning if i've've stayed up late, I'm like, I can't get out of bed. But then I woke up at, like, nine o'clock and I was like, okay, ready to go. This is great. So, like, it went into hibernation and then came back again?

Yeah, I don't know. And now I'm drinking more coffee. And now the thing I saw that they have at Starbucks is a unicorn coffee. Oh, the unicorn frappuccino. Sure. Somebody text me about it today because I have a lot of Why are people texting you? Someone texted me about it.

My Bucks peeps. They keep me averse to what's going on at the SB. Starbuck. Starbuckies. Of course. Star voice. We stole it from the weekend. That's actually what he was talking about in that song.

Just how much he likes star voice. But why are people... Do you communicate with people about new drinks? Well, it's like anyone... If anything happens to Hulk Hogan, you're going to get a bunch of texts. Yeah, that's true. People know I'm a star boy.

So what is the unicorn? I think it's just gross. I think it's kind of like candy. Yes, swirly, purple and pink and yellow, whatever. And it's super sweet, and they can't give you an unsweetened version. Like, that's not the point. You can't do half sweet. Why don't they just go like, that's not the point. You can't do half sweet. They're like, go home.

Why don't they just go full on into milkshakes at Starbucks? They do. They're pretty much there. That's basically what they are. Yeah. Right? I mean, that's a hot take. Thank you.

But. You want to just go and order a milkshake and enjoy it with two straws and your sweetie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I don't want to have to have caffeine necessarily. They don't all have them. Really? You can just get the sugary vanilla milkshake. Yeah, the...

I forget what they're called. There's like a name for it. It's not Frappuccino. It's something else. It's like... A macchiato? Frapp. I think they take the Chino out. Mm-hmm. Me and my sweetie want to frap a lap. I remember when I remember we got, Abby got one once.

The vanilla one that has no caffeine in it. And this was maybe a year and a half ago and Margo had just started walking. And Abby was, you know, we were going to walk home from Starbucks and Abby gave her a sip and it was just like every two steps I need another sip. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Give me another hit of that delicious. That's so good. Um, I wish I'd been cognizant that like the first time I had like a French fry, just to experience what that was like to like have never had fries. We were talking about this last week about how she's my two and a half year old is still too young.

Like she won't remember any of this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, but even though she has memories now, although might like we were talking about how she might just take some weird fragment where you're like steaming broccoli and that'll be her first yeah what is do you remember if you can think back that my first memory yeah steamed broccoli yeah when was the first time i saw

broccoli getting steamed well getting angry the mid-80s yeah bro broccoli was very mad uh my earliest memory is just of the fence in my backyard in montreal right we were born and it's just like i just remember wanting to go out of the yard and not allowed i was in prison as a baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a real bad seed. Yeah, I guess I'm trying to think of like, what's a food that I tried recently enough that I can remember? Your first time?

Yeah. I definitely remember my parents having to, just trying to get me to eat more food like because i was a really skinny kid and just like okay dave you don't have to have enough like going to mcdonald's and you don't have to eat the whole thing here just have three bites of meat right they were worried you weren't uh you weren't holding enough weight and i would uh in the mornings i would make my dad make me a milkshake. This was before Starbucks was on every corner. I don't know what, I knew he would put it just like chocolate powder and milk together, but he would sneak an egg in just to get to add some protein.

Hey, that's good. You're like Rocky. The Rocky shake. But I didn't even know. And I think that's the way to do it. Yeah. Yeah, Rocky, you don't need to just have eggs in that water. Yeah.

You could have put some milk in it. There was no water in it. No water in it. It was just a glass. Just a glass of eggs? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I need to go re-watch that movie.

And then he just drinks eggs. Yeah. I think it's because he's, I think the underlying thing. No, he was poor. And that was the easy way to get a lot, or cheap way to get a lot of protein. That's how I read. Fry those eggs? Yeah, fry them.

Cook them at all. He was also, he had a job and he was fighting for a title job. Yeah, it takes two seconds to throw them on the sidewalk in the summer.

Yeah, or like cook them in one of those, one of the many flaming barrels that Frank Stallone's singing out of. Sing me out of. Singing out of? Yeah. Help me!

He's in there. Oh, I maintain Rocky's a bad movie. Well, we could go round and round. What about Pauly's Robot? It's boring. No, Rocky, that's on one of those sequels. That's in the sequels. Oh, the original Rocky is bad.

Yeah. Yeah. It's bad and boring. No, no, no. It's dank and it stinks. The sequels are great. The original Rocky is bad. Yeah. Yeah. It's bad and boring. No, no, no. It's dank and it stinks. So, Ivan. Yes. What's new?

Oh, well, I'm joining a beer league softball team. Oh, here we go. B-L-S-F-T. Which I have. Softball. Softball has. I appreciate the F-B-L-E-A. Yeah, that was quick. I was excited when I heard beer league. I was like, what sport? Yeah. I appreciate the FB

Yeah that was quick I was excited when I heard beer league I was like what sport I wish you would just sort of stretch it out Beer league What other beer league sports There's hockey, there's water polo Beer league water polo

A lot of drowning Beer league synchro swimming Pretty bad Did you call soccer beer league? Yeah. There's so much running, though. Baseball is the most, like, you don't really have to move a lot. No, but I think people reward themselves with beer after most of these sports.

Oh, no. You drink during a lot. Like, you have it in the field. What's your position? I'm probably the field. What's your, what position? I'm probably right field. How do you know? Because I'm a new addition to the team. Okay, so this is an existing.

Yeah. This is an elite, is this a league of comedians? No, I wish. Is this a league of their own? It's a league of. Is there crying a lot? Yes, yeah. Oh, that's good.

There's crying a lot in softball. It's just baseball. That's why they call it softball. It's because it of... Is there crying a lot? Yes, yeah. Oh, that's good. There's crying a lot in softball. It's just baseball. That's why they call it softball. It's because it's for softies who want to cry a lot. I understand. But yeah, I don't know. It's like this weird... Over the past year, I've started to enjoy...

I've been indoctrinated, and now I love baseball. Who indoctrinated you? Emily, my girlfriend. Okay. The greatest lady in the world. The greatest... In my opinion. I'm baseball. Who indoctrinated you? Emily, my girlfriend. The greatest lady in the world. In my opinion. I'm sorry, I should have known. The first lady of baseball.

What is her team that she likes? She likes the Blue Jays. Because it's the only Canadian team. You kind of have to. Is there a team that's kind of Canadian but isn't in Canada? Like has a lot of Canadian players? No or just like the mariners yeah the mariners here yeah i feel like they're kind of a canadian team right and the one of their pitchers starting pitchers went to my high school

the mariners yeah it was weird because i was watching baseball last year and then i saw him on the mound and i was like where do i know that face from did that guy used to play for the jays and then the announcer was like he's from ladner and I was like, where do I know that face from? Did that guy used to play for the Jays? And then the announcer was like, he's from Ladner. And I was like, I went to high school with that kid. And then you went, did you look up your yearbook? See if there was anything. Did you look up his salary?

I did. It's quite a bit. Yeah, I think he's doing very well for himself. That's good. I think the minimum salary is like six figures. Really? Oh, yeah. Like $400,000 or something. Even if you're a belly itcher?

Even if you're a belly itcher. Wow. Broken ladders even are earning that. Okay, we want a pitcher, not a belly itcher. Yeah. We want a batter, not a broken ladder. We want a catcher, not a belly scratcher. We want, what are the other positions we want?

We want a shortstop, not a bag of pork chops. Yeah, we want a shortstop, not a bag of pork chops. We want a third baseman, not a Jason Bateman. We want a second baseman, not a Justine Bateman.

And we want a first baseman, not a Justine Bateman. And we want a first baseman, not Patrick Bateman. The American Psycho. All right, that was good. When's your first game? It was supposed to be tonight, but I think we got rained out. This is outdoor softball. Yes. Yeah, not one of those indoor.

We can't really afford to rent out a covered green space. Sure, Yeah, not one of those indoor. We can't, apparently, can't really afford to rent out a covered green space. Sure, you're not a domed... Yeah, we tried to play in one of those tennis courts they have at the country clubs. Sure, the bubbles. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bubbles over top. It's apparently very difficult to play softball

in there. Yeah, well, I mean, there's still people playing tennis in there. Yeah, it's real confusing. What's the team name? Uh, well, I mean, there's still people playing tennis in there. It's real confusing. What's the team name? Well, it's the A&W team for the A&W Canada head office. So they're called the Onion Ring Batters. That's pretty good. It's not bad. It's great.

Yeah. Is your girlfriend, does she play? Yeah. Does she work at A&W? Yeah. I'm putting the piece together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. Yeah. It's a great name. Is your girlfriend, does she play? Yeah. Does she work at A&W? Yeah. I'm putting the piece together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good detective work.

Now, did you know that A&W, they don't use any hormones or vitamins? No. Throw any vitamins in their bed. They don't put vitamins with their cows. They're like, hey, keep them sick. We use Canada's sickest cows we're also hunted by wolves

that's how they get the meat and Dave it was you who told me what A&W stands for hamburgers and whoopio oh my god

that's gonna kill with the team yeah that's gonna be my main joke all season I'm sorry that's gonna be be my main joke all season. That's going to be running around the bases more than me, that joke. And have you ever played a softball or a baseball when you were a kid? I played baseball when I was a kid.

And it was funny because I didn't understand it at all because I'd never seen a game of baseball on TV. So for the amount of time that I played baseball and never watched it, I had no idea how the game even worked. And so I would just kind of stand somewhere and if the ball came near me, I was like, okay, I think I'm supposed to catch it

and then throw it to that guy. And that was it. I didn't get anything about it. It was the same sort of with soccer. Just because it was like, where would you have watched soccer in 1987 yeah that's true was there even a movie that was soccer based yeah there was that one with the oh shaolin soccer yeah that was the one and there there was one with michael caine and

sylvester stallone and pele i, I think. Wait, what? I don't know this movie. Was it called Victory? I think it was called Victory. Okay. All right. But when I was a kid, there was all sorts of movies about baseball.

Oh, yeah. So you could kind of get into the culture. Rookie of the year. Rookie of the year. Your Field of Dreams. Angels in the outfield The Bay Durham The little big league

The sandlot The sandlot Oh man A league of their own There was like Four a year in the Early 90s Yeah

Yeah So you could get into The mystique of baseball If not the The technical Yeah definitely I just like It's such an old

Victory Victory 1981 Kane Stallone Pe Pele. Is that the only movie that Pele and Stallone starred in together? No, he was in Cliffhanger. He was the cliff. He was in Cliffhanger.

I was trying to think of... What was the one with Wesley Snipes Double Team Demolition Man Demolition Man yeah that was the movie that my uncle bought us

as kids and then it mysteriously disappeared that is mysterious my mom my mom used to just like anytime we had like a movie

that was violent she would just like if she saw us watching it she would just like take it out of our VHS. She wanted you to watch Construction Man. Out of our VHS. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, why can't he build things?

Like we had a Beavis and Butthead VHS for a night, and then I was like, yeah, I'm going to watch it tomorrow. And then it was just gone. And I was like, Mom, where is it? She's like, I don't know. She's very good at not accepting guilt. My dad or my mom hid a hat that they really hated that I wore. It was causing your decline in youth?

I don't know. They were just like. What kind of hat was it? Was it like a pork pie hat? No, no. It was a baseball hat, but it was real ratty. It didn't say like tits in the front, butts in the rear, or whatever. That's a human mullet.

It was just not a nice hat? Yeah, it was just a hat that I had, I don't know where I got it from, but from a friend. And it was just really ratty. had. I don't know where I got it from, but from a friend. And it was just really bratty. From a drifter you murdered. It was a trophy, wasn't it? It was a hat from a friend. No, this story doesn't add up. I was just holding it for a friend.

Me dream Canada, you haven't met him. It was, yeah, I don't know why. I don't remember what was on the hat, but I know my mom hated it from the first time she saw it. Was it a slogan? No, it was just like the brim was all like ripped up and stuff. It was just really looked like a homeless man's hat. So she was like, you're not going out of the house with that hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone's going to think I'm a bad hat mom. And then one day I couldn't find it. And she was like, well're not going out of the house with that hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's going to think I'm a bad hat mom. And then one day I couldn't find it. And she was like, well, I don't know. And then years later, I was searching for something and I found it. Really? So she didn't hide it. Well, yeah, she hid it. She didn't throw it away.

So that means that she's a good mother. Because she knew that if you really put up a fuss. Yeah, she knew that if I ever had kids, I'd want to pass on this filthy hat. Yeah, where is it? I want it. Yeah. Your is it? I want it. Yeah. Your kid, Ivan, wants it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll call my mom. Yeah. Where's that ratty hat? I got a baseball game to play. Are there uniforms for this? There are. Oh, wow. Just jerseys, though.

No matching hats. So I have to go and find a hat. It's an orange and black uniform, so I'm probably going to just buy a Baltimore Orioles hat. Oh, though. No matching hats. So I have to go and find a hat. It's an orange and black uniform, so I'm probably going to just buy a Baltimore Orioles hat. Oh, yeah. That's fun. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Do you know your number? No, there's no numbers.

What? Why have a uniform, then? Isn't that the whole... Well, no. It's about togetherness. It's about telling the teams apart and knowing what team you are I think the numbers are for like

the announcer to know who you are oh yeah are there announcers at this game or anyone like filling out a scorecard I also don't think

they keep score they don't keep score wow what's the point you're also not allowed to step on home plate there's a lot of like really weird rules what

to avoid like collisions it was like if you touch the plate you're out it's like a very dumb as a runner You're also not allowed to step on home plate. There's a lot of really weird rules. What? To avoid collisions. It was like, if you touch the plate, you're out. It's like a very dumb rule. As a runner? As a runner. Well, how do you know you're safe? I don't know. They're just like, you made it.

You made it back. Now, are most of the people on this team all from the A&W Corporation? You're an outlier, or is it a mixed? Yeah, I'm an outlier. There are a couple other outliers. But mostly A&W Corporation? You're an outlier, or is it a mixed? Yeah, I'm an outlier. There are a couple other outliers. But mostly A&W folks? Yeah. What do they talk about all the time?

Onion ring batter. Chubby chicken. They should call this a root beer league. Chubby chicken. There's a lot. Root beer league, yay! Yeah. Yeah, well, that's fun.

So your first game's rained out, though. So are you guys going to put on the jerseys and just go drink? Yeah. We're just going to do some beer league PVR watching. Oh, yeah. Just to get yourself in the mood for soccer. So now do you watch baseball? Yeah.

Like a whole three hours of it. Yeah. Really? I don't know. It's enjoyable. If you have a box, you save the game, and then you fast forward. Oh, yeah. Well, they have Blue Jays in 30. Yeah. Really? I don't know. It's enjoyable. If you have a box, you save the game, and then you fast forward. Oh, yeah. Well, they have Blue Jays in 30.

Yeah. It's like you can do your own Jays in 25. Because I speed it up just in between pitches. I don't need the windup. I'm like, let's see it. Go. It looks like he balked. If you, say, were at the level of fame where you got to throw out a pitch at a game,

would you be able to get it across the plate? I would practice. I'm sure they wouldn't be like, you're doing it tomorrow. I would probably have some time to go and throw a ball. I don't think I would accept. I'd be too nervous of making but they don't necessarily like they don't make you stand on the mound you can stand a few feet ahead of it yeah but i'd be too afraid of just like being uh you know really throwing it

right into what are the classic uh terrible first pitches 50 cent uh char Sant, Charlie Ray Jepsen. Donald Trump, because he really screws up his face. Oh, right. But he didn't do it as president. He was the first. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

I think it was the first sitting president. Oh, maybe Jimmy Carter didn't do it. But like since, since FDR, who had polio, to not throw the first pitch. But when did he throw it out? Because of The Apprentice or something like that?

He was just throwing it out as a celebrity. It was for ratings. Anytime ratings are involved, he'll do it. Hey, how are my president ratings? Didn't Chewbacca do it? Chewbacca did it. I think there's like...

One of the best ones is the girl from The Ring. Really? Where? I think maybe Korea, yeah. So scary. Yeah. But I think it's supposed to be an honor

to do that, right? But I'd be too afraid. Making an ass of myself. Eh, who cares? It'd be great. The world! Do it in a disguise then? Yeah. But I'd be too afraid making an ass of myself. Eh, who cares? It'd be great. The world! Do it in a disguise then. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Because there was a guy like one of the Cubs management, I think, just came out as like Donnie the Hot Dog Guy last season and just like threw it out. It was like he had

like a mustache and like a hot dog hat and he was like, I'm just a hot dog guy. I'm like, that's such a weird... What? Yeah. It's like a I'm just a hot dog guy. I'm like, that's such a weird. What? Yeah.

It's like a Carmen Sandiego villain. Yeah. Throwing out the loot. It was like a 60s. Yeah, like a 60s Batman film. Oh, they're making a series of that. Oh, Carmen Sandiego? Carmen Sandiego.

Which it didn't have. I didn't feel like there was a ton of meat on that bone. That was just a computer game to learn flags. Is that what everyone's forgetting about Carmen Sandiego? Like she doesn't have some kind of mystique that we're all like, ooh, what's next, a math blaster show? What's math blaster? Get those aliens out of here. You never played math blaster in school?

No, no, no. The school computers always had like games on them. They were like all educational. So like Carmen Sandiego usedini was to learn flags. And there was Math Blaster. And capitals. Yeah, that's right. Math Blaster had like, you had a ship that you would shoot asteroids,

but you had to do math to get ammo. And if you got all your math wrong, then the ship would crash. There was, what else was there? It was like, quick, do some math problems. We need more lasers. We had one that was like a lemonade stand game. Okay. And it would tell you the weather for the day

and you had to set your lemonade price. Oh, and then it would tell you how successful. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's pretty good. And then there was a you know uh organ trail or yeah roller coaster tycoon they had that at my school that was for fun i know and then it was like they immediately were like okay get it off no one wants to do anything else

kids are having too much fun like literally kids were like fighting in class it's my turn on the roller coaster yeah because and what i've never played, I've seen things online about it. Is it you build the rollercoaster? Yeah, you build a theme park, basically. And it's everything involved. You gotta get vomit cleanup guys. Step one.

Well, that's gonna be important at my theme park, Vomitland. Yeah. Barf time. Check out Wood wood chip hill. Well, I'm learning how to clean up vomit, T-shirt. But when Carmen Sandiego stole things, didn't she steal, like, the Taj Mahal? Yeah.

Shoved it up her little cooch. What? I don't remember that being part of the show. She had a magical gooch. She had that iconic hat that said tits on the front, butts on the back. But I remember the woman who played the chief. You remember the TV show. You remember the TV show?

There was a TV show? Yeah. Was it a cartoon? With Rockapella. No, it was a game show for kids. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rockapella would come out.

They'd sing, where in the world is line? Do you not know this? I know the song. And then the chief. But I remember a cartoon of Carmen Sandiego. Well, she was a cartoon on the show. Okay. The beautiful hair. Yeah, beautiful hair. That's right. That's what I remember a cartoon of Carmen Sandiego. Well, she was a cartoon on the show. Okay. The beautiful hair.

Yeah, beautiful hair. That's right. That's what I remember. And then she had it like a, she had goons, right? And the goons would steal the thing. So is she the bad person? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

She leads a crime syndicate. She put the miss and misdemeanor when she stole the beans from Lima. And then at the end of the final round was whatever kid team had. It wasn't teams. It was just a kid. Was it individual kids? Yeah. Gumshoes.

But didn't one have to tell them a thing and then the other one had to plant like a little siren somewhere on a map i think it was just the one kid and i either seem to recall this being a team effort i don't know i think you're thinking of uh-oh what's oh that was like a canadian version of you can't do that on television where there was like which was also canadian was it yes oh i thought that was the american show that i was ripping off no alanis mars that was the American show that was ripping off. No, Alanis Morissette was on.

Oh, yeah. I guess it was like the same thing. It was just like kids answering questions and then if they got it wrong, they go in like some chamber and a guy in a gimp mask would dump goo on them. Yeah, he was like the

theme. He was the mascot of the show. Bring out the gimp. Like, oh, they called like the theme. He was the mascot of the show. Bring out the Gimp. That's when they called him the Gimp. No, they did not. There's no way. I don't know this show, but there was no kid's show where they called a guy a Gimp.

Uh-oh has been cancelled. Uh-oh has been cancelled. Uh-oh has been brought to you by closed captioning provided in part by GIMMASK. You need a mask for your GIMM? Get a GIMMASK. And by SafeWords. Think of something fun. This is to stop sex. Bubblegum, bubblegum.

I think it was the Punisher. They called him. Sure. But then they were sued by Marvel. And the host had like a prosthetic chin. Oh, good Lord. It was the most insane show. I can't believe it was real.

It doesn't sound like it was. It was called Uh insane show. I can't believe it was real. It doesn't sound like it was. It was called Uh-Oh. Uh-Oh. On YTV. Yeah. Wow. And then like, seriously, they would draw it out so much. Oh, that guy.

Yeah, see? What? Show me this. I'm not insane. This guy, it's a prosthetic chin. He just had a big chin. Really? That's his real face?

Yeah. I remember as a kid being like, no human looks like that. Oh, wow. Was that the Marky game show when you were a kid? Was that, oh? Yeah, it was certainly on a lot. Was this the Gimple? Yeah, I think so.

I mean, that's got to be him, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fairness to Ivan, it does very much look like a Gimp mask. He had a weird name. Like, I forget. It's like the Punisher. The Sad Punisher? Something like that.

Wow. He was like the Stig in Top Gear. You never find out who he is. Numerous inclinations. But he, yeah. And it was just like, they would draw it out so much. It'd be like, all right, get in there. And then it would just be they would draw it out so much and be like all right get in there and then it would just be a kid like in a box and he and he would say like a one-liner like

nice to slime you what slime is it yeah exactly um what was the one it was like don't do the crime you can't do the slime yeah i'm pretty sure that was said uh it was like a game show for kids and then they had to go through a crazy obstacle course oh was that double dare maybe double dare yeah oh also had some of that and was it like like there were slimy things and like getting soaked and stuff like that yeah okay and that was maybe your family maybe or like yeah it was a bunch of people doing the yeah and like oh you gotta get oh there's a you know the first person to find the you know token in the bucket right in the beef stew yeah or you know above

ground pool full of chowder yeah oh yeah because when I was a kid, there was a show called Kid Street that was shot in Calgary. Oh, wow. So it was like, but you had to go on with a sibling. And you were in a car. Yeah. No, only children. Yeah. No cousins.

No cousins. No cousins. Oh, some kid from beavers No You do beavers? Uh no Scouts? No

None of that? I was in air cadets Whoa Okay You skipped a bunch Yeah I just went straight to the most military one What uh

What are you doing in air cadets? What age is air cadets? Air cadets was like i think teen teenage because i joined in like grade eight i think and is the idea that they're kind of trying to get you to join the military is that the yeah like i think it's a lot for uh kids who need structure or whatever and so and you were a loosey-goosey kid. You were always trying to get out of that fence. I wanted to join because my grandfather was in the Air Force, so my cousin was in it, and she had aged out.

And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do it. And what did you do? I don't really remember. It was a lot of drills. But then one of them, we did go on a camping trip where you had to build your own tent out of a tarp and some rope and i got soaked like it was like it was raining so hard and we were all like and they did the meanest thing ever because like we were soaked no kissing yeah that was the meanest but we one day at dinner we were all like we ate and then we had hot chocolate it

was like the best thing ever because we were so wet and so cold and we were all drinking hot chocolate we're like finally after like a day of shitty rain yeah yeah yeah and then after we were all done this sergeant comes out and the sergeants were like also teenage like they were like 17 and we were like 13 so this guy comes out and he's like who wants more hot chocolate and of course course, everybody put their hand up. And then he goes like, okay, you, you, and you. And it was like me and two other people. And then they just made us wash dishes.

Just because you wanted hot chocolate? Just because I wanted. And we never even got more. Wow. I was like, at the very least, reward us for doing this shitty thing. Who wants to play Roller Coaster Tycoon? We all do. Was it cadets? thing. Who wants to play Roller Coaster Tycoon? We all do. Now,

was it cadets? Is it co-ed? Yeah. So they keep you apart for a while. There weren't a lot of girls in Air Cadets, though. I knew somebody that was in cadets. It's weird

that they would keep you apart in your youth, like in your prepubescent years, and then mix you together. Yeah, out in the woods. Out in the woods. On your teens. Yeah. All right, you have to wear the gimp mask.

Like, yeah, most of Cub Scouts and stuff was just playing dodgeball, I feel like, and then once a year you had to, like, yeah, most of Cub Scouts and stuff was just playing dodgeball, I feel like. And then once a year you had to, like, whittle something. Yeah, or like, it was like badge, like there was no badge stuff. I was in the Air Cadets marching band, though, so we did drills for that. What did you play? I played the trumpet. Trumpet.

Yeah, it was pretty cool. You still, you still blow? Uh, no. Still blow. What, no. Still blow? What? I'm talking the lingo. Yeah, that's true. I don't know jazz speak.

Hey, you still blow, Daddy-O? Yeah. Uh, no, I don't. They told me that my cheeks were getting too injured. Too injured? Who told you that? Oh. Well, did you ever actually, like, perform in a parade or something?

Yeah, yeah, we were in the parade What parade? The Ladner May Day Parade The parade? It was like every year there was this parade And it was just literally like every business in town What is May Day? It's when your plane is going down

It's a big thing in like communist Russia I think they would have a parade and like you know have missiles going down the street and carbon san diego would try to steal them but i feel like there's a mayday even in non-communist places yeah well it's like may long weekend but well that's later in may i feel like mayday is the first of may yeah i thought it was just like something labor related oh that's that's how i always read it but i i don't know i think you're thinking of labor day oh yeah that's in september that's very labor related but like what song were you playing

because do you just play the same song over and over and over again, or do you play a set? Or in a parade. Yeah, in a parade, because I only ever just see them as they walk by. I never follow a parade. I never see them at all. Well, I mean, when I was a kid. I've played a lot of, that was that classic song. I only know it from the Peanut Butter and M&M's commercial. Oh, okay.

The one that's like, Yeah, it's like classic That one? Yeah, that's the one I feel like you could make one of these up Oh, that might easily In two minutes Get a kazoo

Yeah, a lot of those uh and then a drum but like would you play uh like louis louis or something like that that feels like a good marching band song oh yeah sure uh tequila oh yeah yeah uh la bomba um i went to a mexican restaurant yesterday and they were i've i've never been to one where they were playing La Bamba. The song, not the movie. Yeah, I mean, every other Mexican restaurant. Like, mariachis are just over there. Oh, just over in the speakers.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, was that his only hit? Who? Richie Valens. Well, he died at, like, 20? Yeah, but I feel like Buddy Holly had like a ton of hits. But he lived to ripe old 24 or something.

That's true. Richie Valens was just starting out. And then the Big Bopper only had- Who's the Big Bopper? Who is he? Yeah. He was one of those other people. He was the other one on the plane.

They all died in planes? The same plane. The same plane? They were all on separate planes that all crashed into each other. That's what I thought. I thought they were all flying one man plane. You were in Air Cadet. They were going, Mayday, Mayday.

Yeah. It's February, actually. It's the big bomber. Hello, aircraft. Hello, control tower. Yeah. Well, you know what? Same plane or was there a helicopter?

It was the same plane. There was no helicopter. Yes, it was all the same plane and it crashed. That was the day the music died. Oh, is that what that song's about? Yeah. I thought that song was about Yeah I thought that song Was about a levy

Well yeah Well I mean look This whole song Is about the history Of rock and roll Bob Dylan is the jester On the sideline In a cast

The quartet practicing In the park Is the Beatles Oh is that right Yeah There are all sorts Oh I didn't know I don't know the

The ins and outs Of that song Sure And then I think The What's the Chevy The Chevy is a Chevy Okay I didn't know. I don't know the ins and outs of that song. Sure. And then I think the... What's the Chevy? The Chevy is a Chevy. Okay. The Chevy's actually a Ford.

Mick Jagger is the devil. Oh. And then who was dancing in the gym? I know that you're in love with him. That was just sort of a reference to sock hop culture. Oh, sure. Because they kicked off their shoes. When's that going to have a resurgence?

Sock hop culture? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's come and gone a few times. Like, what is it? Hoop skirts? Hoop skirts, poodle skirts. Poodle skirts, going for a malt. Sure. Riverdale. Spiking the punch. I think Riverdale is the closest we have to a

sock hop culture these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want a milkshake, try to, you know, be the milkshake you want to be in the world. That's true. Go get a unicorn frappuccino. Yeah, and then just go dance and get some saddle shoes and drive a jalopy. I feel like what you drive is not essential to sock-hop culture, right? I don't know, know man you can't show up on a sport bike yeah no you can't show up in uh on one of those hoverboards oh man i was in the

uh like the pharmacy the other day and there was a woman just cruising around on one of those hoverboards as if that was like we've all agreed that this is a way that people get around mine hasn't burst into flames yet so you know what i'm fine with it she was just doing like she was buying toiletries and she was killing it or what uh like fall down at all no no no no she was very competent at it perfect but i but it's like when i saw it i was was like, yeah, I guess this is what I assume the future would be like. Just like people on different hovering or silent technologies. I saw some really cool looking ones recently down by the seawall. They were like clearly outdoor.

They had like a stick that went up just to the knees. I don't know. It was very weird. And then like bigger wheels. I would like a stick that goes up just to the crotch just if you go for any bumps yeah just presses on your taint crushes your inner urethra it's the only hoverboard with taint pressing technology. It's taint activated. Well, first you got to register your taint print.

That's the only way. Every human is a unique taint printer. It's true. It is true. Everybody knows. I got a lot of personality. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Nothing. Oh, no. Last week I talked about taking my child

To see Peppa Pig live And how sick she was And then I was just sick forever I was just sick I've been You lose the fever And you're still sick You feel fine except you just have to cough all day long

And you want to go to bed at 8 o'clock at night And do you and you're still sick. You feel fine except you just have to cough all day long. Yeah, yeah. And you want to go to bed at 8 o'clock at night. And do you? Yes, being sick is the best. I wish I could be sick 365. True, there is a lot of benefits to being sick. People really give you a lot. You can get away with a lot.

Yeah, that's true. You get a wide berth. As an adult, because you can just slow your life down. You're like, I really don't feel like doing stuff. Yeah, that's true. You can kind of just like, I'm just going to rewatch Arrested Development or whatever. Because we need a batter. Not a Jason.

Sorry. But like, yeah. I guess, yeah is it is nice for a few days i remember when i was a kid like when i was getting over being sick that was a real bummer because then it's like back to school and you have to do extra work to catch up you do you're supposed to do that yeah dude when came back, didn't you have to go do extra homework? Ah, probably. I didn't. Were you a real slack, were you a real slack-sadazical?

Oh, yeah. And then, like, I got okay grades, but it was really a matter of, like, whether or not I was interested in whatever we were learning. Right. And then I would learn it, and I would love it, but if it was something dumb, I'd be like, I don't care about learning. Right. And then I would learn it and I would love it but if it was something dumb I'd be like I don't care about this. Yeah. And then I went to school

in French and then that really messed everything up because I'm like I don't understand like all of 6th and 7th grade I'm like I learned nothing

because it was French. Had you not done any French before that? No. It was late immersion so I only did two years. Just took me in 6th grade and they're like

and then there was like not enough kids so I was in a class with people who'd been in sixth grade, and then there was not enough kids. So I was in a class with people who'd been in French since kindergarten. So it was just like, get in there with those real Frenchos. And then the teacher only spoke French. It was like full immersion. I basically was just like, well, I'm not learning anything. Yeah, and I can't ask to go to the bathroom, so I'm peeing my pants three or four times a day.

Which is the Frenchest thing I'm doing. peeing my pants three or four times which is the frenchest thing i'm doing i took french immersion from kindergarten through oh boy probably grade 12 was that i think by the end that it was like your only french class was french yeah right but um yeah it was full all day long from kindergarten to grade three and then half English and French until about grade 10 and then just one class a week. And how's your French? Terrible. It was terrible then. Like I don't know any French.

But the problem is I also didn't learn science in English. So when it was time to do science things later, I was like, well, I don't know any of these words. I recognize Louis Pasteur so I know that marie curie i just think it's insane that the periodic table is different in every language like the letters on it no they're not are you sure yeah i'm pretty sure it was well like gold isn't G-O in English and O-R in French.

Oh, yeah. It's A-U everywhere. A-U everywhere. I don't know. Maybe there's... But I think it's different if you have a different alphabet. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I mean, the Russian periodic table is... Maybe that's what we were doing. Yeah, yeah. I think I was in Russian. Russian immersion? Yeah. That's like the... It was a real Cold War initiative.

And they were in different orders. Oh, really? Yeah. Uranium was number one. So, yeah, I was sick. And here's a couple questions. One... Your hair just went straight up.

This is yesterday's product daddy-o um if you're sick if I didn't get a flu shot this year but this is the only cold I got should I have gotten a flu shot would I have avoided that uh no if it wasn't the flu I don't know what the flu is

bro you know when you're like you know what I mean when things are just flying but longer yeah Blue is broke. You know, when you're like, you know what I mean? When things are just flying at it. It's like food poisoning, but longer. Yeah, and it's like extreme chills and your muscles hurt. I got that, but I didn't get any, you know, digestive stuff. Well, maybe, but it's hard to tell. Mostly it was a fever.

Yeah. And then a cough that, when it was bad, it was so bad. And nothing would move. Like you cough and the fluid just stays in your face. Yeah. Maybe you had the flu. I don't know. But yeah, I get the flu shot every year.

I've only gotten it a couple times and I've noticed no difference. I've never gotten it. Once or twice. I got asthma and stuff, so they tell you you gotta. That's a good idea. Yeah, because otherwise then you're just the. I got, like, I had to look up my vaccination recently for, like, this immigration thing I'm trying to do.

They're like, you need to have documents proving you were vaccinated as a child. So I had to, like, phone around my elementary schools to be like, yeah, do you have the record of my polio vaccine from 93? They're like, what? Who are you? And it was like really was one of those situations where it was just like you call an office and then it just like a voicemail. It's like, hey, it's Barb.

I'm not here. Bye. I'm like, what the fuck? Hi, Barb. This is I have a Decker class of 92. Bye. I'm like, what the fuck? Hi, Barb. This is I have a Decker class of 92. Literally what I left. That message. I was like, I'm trying to track down this vaccination report.

Do you have it? Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess I don't know what I've been vaccinated against. When I was a kid, I assume all the big ones. Yeah. The big heps. The last one I remember was the, well, no. Yeah, no, I guess like grade eight or nine, we maybe had another tetanus.

Yeah. Diphtheria. Diphtheria, right. They give you the heps and the measles. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I think the mumps. Yeah, maybe the mumps.

Or maybe that's when you're a kid. I think mumps is when you're in elementary school. Or maybe that's when you're a kid. I think mumps is when you're in elementary school. But then, yeah, don't you have to re-up? And then once in a while, I'll hear like there's a new. Yeah. Like when I saw an ad for. Yeah, the shingles one.

I was like, ooh, I want to get that. Oh, there's a shingles one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now that I have kids, I can just opt not to vaccinate them. Yeah, that's right. It's easier. It's easier. It's better. Yeah.

It's better for everybody. Yeah. They won't have to track down their vaccinations later. Yeah, that's right. It's easier. It's easier. It's better. It's better for everybody. They won't have to track down their vaccinations later. Yeah. They were editing. Simple as that. Kennel cough. Yeah.

The other question I have is when you are sick, do you still have to wash your hands if you go to the bathroom? You're already sick. No. I'm going to go no, Dave.

I'm not saying I went one way or the other. You know what? I don't know. I mean, I think I do. It just doesn't matter. Do you still have to drink when you're underwater? What?

What are you saying? I don't know. You're already in it. You're submerged in bacteria. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But if you're in the ocean, you shouldn't drink when you're underwater. Unless you brought it with you.

Unless you brought some apple juice. No, I mean like booze. Can you get drunk down there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easier, probably. Yeah, is it easier to get drunk underwater? Oh, boy, that would be... If there was a science call-in show, that's what I'd call it. Is it easier to get drunk

underwater or outer space? Which one? Well, drunk underwater or outer space? Which one? Well, maybe not even outer space, but like I'm finding a honeymoon. Somewhere higher up. In the stratosphere. Well, there is a thing about drinking on a plane, right? Like you get drunk easier.

Really? What about air cadets? Did you guys learn about that? Yeah, a lot of that. Did you do like a cocktail mixing thing? Yeah. I did barf in a plane a lot. That was when I discovered air sickness. I was in air cadets forever and then the first time

we flew, they're like, alright, we're finally going to fly. Oh, so what is that? You go and fly like a Cessna. You go to like the Chilliwack airport and then they put you in the cockpit of this like dinky little plane. Oh, wow. And then you can hold the stick.

Obviously, the pilot has, but he'll take his hands off and do a real driver's license. But he gets you up in the air. And he's like, just hold on to it and see. See if you're flying. And literally, I just barfed immediately. I was so sick the whole time. I was like, well, I'm out. I'm not going to be a pilot.

So much for being a flying ace. Yeah. Sorry, Billy Bishop. I'm not following your footsteps. Oh, man. Yeah, there's a guy on the bus yesterday. Puked everywhere. What?

Yeah, he was right behind me. It was like, and I just heard this sound and i was like i don't know what that sound was but i'm sure i'm gonna turn around and it's not something good and it was a teen it was some teen who had just drank something pink because the whole it was just pink liquid was it this nighttime or this is nighttime it's. It's a nighttime barf? But then the kid just stayed in his... Tuesday night. The kid stayed in his seat and I was like, You gotta go.

Yeah, get off the bus, man. Like, that's not... There was like three of us on the bus and I know it wasn't me. And there was another guy who was horrified by it. So I'm looking at you, kid. Yeah. Pierre's looking at you, kid. So. Here's looking at you, kid. So you couldn't be an air cadet.

He can't be a bus cadet. What's going on with you, Graham? So this past weekend, because we're recording in advance, was Easter weekend. I was trying to keep it cool. Well, the only reason I say is because it's also a holiday that I think is Indian called Vaisakhi. And so my neighborhood has a lot of Indian people in it. And so I woke up at 9 o'clock in the morning because there was some. Do you think maybe Carmen Sandiego stole the Taj Mahal?

I don't know. But there was somebody like, and I didn't, I did not see that they had set up like a whole stage and stuff. Like basically right behind where I live. What? So there was somebody making announcements. And Fraser Street is closed? The whole street was closed. Main Street's closed? Yeah, I feel like

kind of like a whole... Does Marine Drive close? Maybe. Was that all weekend? It was all... What day was that? It was all... It was Vaisakhi. Yeah, it was Vaisakhi. It fell within Vaisakhi.

But because I didn't know what the. It was on, it fell within Vasaki. Okay. But because I didn't know what the hell was going on, I just woke up to an amplified language I don't speak that I didn't know if it was a happy or a clear out of your house there's been gas, a gas leak. I had no idea what the hell was going on. Just this really loud amplified voice is what woke me up. And then I was like, but I don't know what he's saying. I don't know if this is welcome to the festival or everybody get out of your house. So anyways, it's very, I still don't know what it's a festival about. Well, as far as I can tell, it's the time of year where white politicians put on silk robes and dumb white guy hats and walk in a procession.

Yeah. And it's where people will park their cars wherever they can possibly park. People will park their cars wherever they can possibly park. I saw some real fancy parking jobs in the back alleys. Just ziggety zag blocking in three other cars. Nice. Yeah. Nice.

So happy belated Vaisakhi to all of our politicians. I hope you got votes from that. Yeah, right? To politicians, when they put on the hard hat and the... Oh, boy, the safety vest. Yeah, like, it's like, does that... Who is that for? Does that fool anyone? Is anyone like, I vote for him because he wore my hat.

The hard hat man. Hard hat. Politic man. He. The hard hat man. Hard hat. Politic man. He got a hard hat on. Do it. But the other thing I did was I went to a friend of a friend's birthday. That's my favorite kind of birthday. Yeah. And it was all adults who have nine to five jobs and have kids and live out in the suburbs.

And I was the only not that. And boy, oh boy. But they were all my age. Gross. Were they intrigued by your lifestyle? Or was it a lot of just like like you don't know because you don't it was neither but it was very like i've never been at a party with that yeah and not since i was a kid yeah and there were kids at this party and i'm more identified i was like i want to go

downstairs to play ping pong with this yeah i kind of get what they're having fun more than upstairs. Yeah, they were all nice, but it's like... Aren't they always? It was weird. Was there board games at least? No, there was no board games. What did the adults do? You know, dip carrot sticks into

a ranch? Yeah, like a lot of sitting around just... I think it was just fun for these adults to be drinking. Oh. You know, so they were drinking, but not... I don't think I've been to a ranch? Yeah, like a lot of sitting around just, I think it was just fun for these adults to be drinking. Oh. You know, so we're drinking, but not. I don't think I've been to a party where kids are there and I'm drinking. Yeah, this is like, I remember it from my youth that you would

go to a party and the parents would be upstairs. Okay, Smarty, go to a party. I remember that from my youth. And then you would be sent to play with whatever other kids had shown up and so you had no connection to these kids except that you were like go make up a game that includes this four-year-old kid and you know like don't leave out the four-year-old yeah and then you would just go off and then the parents and then you every time you came back in

to get like candy or whatever the parents were increasingly crazier like they were laughing more yeah and you didn't know what really what was going on now but like i remember being like six or seven and i maybe we have eaten beets or something. And my parents had a party downstairs and I went downstairs and I was like my poop was red and I got nothing. Like your parents didn't laugh? Nobody batted an eye

and I was like alright well I guess I'll go flush it. No one's concerned. I did remember those parties for how like it was just weird seeing adults that you'd never seen before in your house. But they somehow knew your parents. And they treated you like you should know them. Oh, yeah. Yes. Like, hey, how you doing, man?

I'm like, who are you? I don't know who you are. They would talk about you the last time they saw you and how small you were. Yeah, of course. What do I care? Yeah. No kid has ever cared about it, ever. And these kids, they were so good at getting more candy every time they came into the room.

And they knew how to distract the one parent while the other one went and got a bunch of candy. They would disappear downstairs and come back. So what was the candy for? Yeah, what was the candy for? Was it a candy and got a bunch of candy. They disappeared after the comeback. So what was the candy for? Was it a candy bowl at a grown-up party? I don't know. That's a good question. Was there a Sunday bar? There wasn't a Sunday bar, but there was at one point cupcakes.

And then there was cake also. Nice. So cupcakes came out first. Did the kids get bananas after the cake? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they were... Was there crying? No, no, there was no crying. There was a pinata at one point. But these, yeah,

there was quite a few kids, but I just like, I was like, I guess I'm on the other side of this coin. I'm now the weird adult none of these kids know. Yeah, but you knew that day would come. Yeah, I guess.

I guess I didn't ever think about it until I was right in the middle of it. And I was the one that was getting crazier. Yeah, but it's like the kids... Anytime there's a situation like that, the kids are just like... They get more and more excited. And it's literally just like... As soon as kids start running around and they get louder,

you can just look at your watch and be like, okay, probably one minute they're just going to be crying. Well, that's... Someone's going to crash into somebody. There was one of the mothers knew exactly, had it all figured out. We have to get the kid in the car by this exact kind of minute because then there's going to be the sugar crash yeah so we got to get and we want to ride that to bed yeah exactly that's yeah he's like this is late for them to be up and so i just need them to just like stay away totally that of just like being like okay all right we're skipping bath time

tonight we're going directly to brushing teeth. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, it was weird. It was weird because I also don't feel like an adult, but now I'm an adult. Yeah, but that's, I mean, that's just, it depends on who you hang out with. Because there's people who are like way young. Like there's 20 year olds that do that. Well, yeah, sure. I mean, I don't know any of them.

We're babies with babies. Yeah. But, yeah, it was nostalgic and also eye-opening at the same time. I just want to be doing what the kids are doing. Yeah, what are the kids doing? They're having fun.

They're probably making up some sort of game. Oh, yeah. They're probably playing with iPads. Yeah. No, no, no. They were because they came in from outside. Because every time they would come inside, the grown-ups would hide their iPads. We weren't just Snapchatting. Yeah, we're all just sitting around on our phones, and then the kids come in, and we

pretend we're having a conversation. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. That sounds about right. Yeah, so you know, that's a lot for one weekend. Visaki. Grown up party. Kid puking on the bus. Was it just drinking? Was there any nefarious party stuff?

Yeah, it was a key party. Did you guys do coke? Was anybody doing blow? No, no. You still blow? I still blow. I'm a real jazz daddy. That would be very weird to be at an adult party. I don't know what part of town you went to.

No, that's true. But like an adult party with kids where somebody's like, come on, it's your birthday. Let's all do coke. Maybe that's why they brought you. Like, you're the guy? Yeah. You don't have kids.

Yeah. Did you bring... Damn, let us they brought you. You're the guy. Did you bring... Let us live through you. Do some coke in front of us. Oh, I love it. Can I rub it on my gum? Let us watch you have so much confidence. Tell us about your plans. Do we want to

move on to some overheard yeah don't get carried away you gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day you gotta shine your shoes you gotta sweep the floor you gotta clean your house you gotta do take care of business stop podcasting yourself is supported in part by casper an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price they offer an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price dave are you shocked i'm shocked but mostly i'm obsessed yeah the engineers at this company are obsessive they don't sleep which is ironic because they make a sleep thing. It must be torture for them.

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Yeah. Or BB-8. Yeah. No, bigger than a BB-8 box. Oh, okay. Like a small droid box. Small droid. And you unfold it. Yeah. Comes in, no, bigger than a BB-8 box. Oh, okay. Like a small droid box. Small droid. And you unfold it.

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It doesn't forget, but also doesn't forgive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is a, but you know what? What is forgiving risk-free trial and also the mattresses are quite forgiving just the right thing and just the right bounce we're not spokespeople no no no we're no kendall jenner we don't know how to kendall jenner yeah isn't that how you pronounce it she's a kendall kendall how do you say kendall kendall um now you get this risk-free trial and return policy.

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Overheard's a segment in which you hear things and then we talk about them. And we always like to lead with the guest, Ivan. Yeah. Ivan Overheard. Oh, there's no business? There's no business. Well, maybe there was. Maybe there was business, but you don't have to sit in our business. Yeah. You have an overheard? Oh, there's no business? There's no business. Well, maybe there was. Maybe there was business, but you don't have to sit in our business.

Yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. You sit in your own business. All right, I'll take, like, edit this out. No. Oh, no. My overheard is me just now being confused about what was happening. Oh, yeah, What was going on?

I mean, there's a few that I had. One was I'm moving in with Emily and we were signing the lease. It was like a real congratulations. Yes. Thank you very much. It was one of those scenarios where every once in a while I'll interact with somebody that's like they have no comedy at all in their life. They don't get it.

Right. And so I, basically the other one was about me. But I was like, we were signing a lease and he's like, just make sure you read over it. And then I was reading all the stupid government forum agreements. I'm trying to lighten the mood. So there's a whole section about like. Lightening the mood. Like locks. Like the a whole section about locks.

The doors have locks on them. I was like, oh, it has locks. That's pretty exciting. Then the guy was like, is there something wrong with the locks? I was like, I'm just really excited that there's locks. He's like, is there not locks in your place right now?

I had to like really lean into the bit to be like yeah I'm just really like there's locks that's great and then Emily had to just

cut me off and be like he's a comedian. He's an idiot. He's doing yeah it was a real like he's trying to joke

right now and the guy was like oh if there's a problem with the locks let me know and I was like god damn it. Yeah

my uncle was killed by him not having a proper lock. Yeah. It was a break in. Yeah. Pretty bloody. Yeah. It happened in this apartment. You can't even tell.

Now you have more. That's why this is known as Uncle Memorial Apartments. One more time. You're moving into Uncle Memorial apartments. What's wrong with that? Why one more time? Why'd you one more time? He's joking.

Oh, I was just joking. That wasn't really the name of the apartment, Graham. Geez, I see what you have to deal with. Yeah. Now you said you have more than one. Do you want us to do some and then come back to you? Or do you have to deal with yeah now you said you have more than one do you want us to do some and then come back to you or do you want to deliver another

can I do one of yours yeah you do one of mine it's a bad voice acting from a video game that I heard that was really good alright do it well there was a line it's the new Mass Effect game which was very bad.

The others had been good, and then this one came out, and everybody was very upset because they just skimped, and it's terrible. And the voice acting was part of it. And there's a part where it's like a space. You're going on exploration, and one of the characters sets up the main character to be like, you know, when Lewis and Clark left, it was just a map, and then outside it said, here may be dragons. And then the response that the main character gives is, I prefer to eat lunch, not be lunch. That's as good a line as any. Were they eating, or was he packing a bag of stuff?

I think it was about the dragons eating. Oh, boy. Yeah. I would have said, dragons? Imagine dragons. That's a much better line. And your character would have done that head thing, too. Dave, do you have an overheard?

No. Oh, no. You were so sick. I was so sick. I didn't overhear anything. Can I retire from overheard? No. No, you cannot. I here't overhear anything. Can I retire from over? No, you cannot.

I hereby announce my retirement. I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Now throw out that pitch. Lou Gehrig. The closest thing I have is I was just like saying the lyrics to Baba Black Sheep with my daughter. Yeah. I was like, where's the bed? Oh, here it is.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Three bags full. And she just looked at me and said, no, sing it. Yeah, don't. Put the magic in it, Dad. Yeah, yeah. Although that song, she has trouble with it in the same way that I had trouble with it,

in that it's the only time in your life you'll ever say Dame. What? I don't know it. One for the master, one for the Dame? Yeah. One for the what? Little boy who lives down the lane? That's right.

Dame and lane, they rhyme. Close enough. Yeah. Pretty loose. But yeah, she stumbles on Dame. Like, she doesn't know what one is and i was like i think it's a lady and in that in a pantomime in british pantomime it is when a man puts on a dress yes and plays a lady's part when in that thing the sheep has bags of wool

baba black sheep yes have you any wall Yes or yes or three bags full. But why does the sheep have like... He's speaking in terms of bags but it's still on his body. He's like, you gotta shear it. But it'll probably fill up three bags. It seems like I feel like I got about three bags full. Yeah. He gives it a shake.

Yeah. Maybe four bags soaking wet. How big are your bags? Four bags soaking wet how big are your bags four bags soaking wet and are the do all three of them live in the same place like the master and the dame and the little boy lives down the lane is that all like is that an Oxford comma at the end

like or do they does the little boy live down the lane and the master and the dame live somewhere else? Yeah, I always thought that the sheep lived with the master and the dame and then the little boy down the lane was just some other dude. Yeah, they give him bags of wool.

He actually is Bob Dylan. In that song. Yeah, that makes sense. He actually represents Bob Dylan. Oh, Bob, Bob. That makes sense. He actually represents Bob Dylan. Oh, Bob, Bob. I get it. Yeah. My Overheard comes courtesy of a guy who said an expression wrong, but I feel like it could,

the way that he said it could be an expression that means something else. Okay. So he had a dog, and people were kind of like walking around the dog not sure if it was the dog that you could pet and uh he said to the girl who was walking around the dog he said oh don't worry about he wouldn't even know how to hurt a fly and i was like no that's not it it's close yeah yeah but it's like you're he has he has the intent to hurt a fly yeah but he's so dumb that he doesn't know how. So that could be another expression for saying somebody's really dumb.

He doesn't know how to hurt a fly. He doesn't know how to. He wouldn't even know how to hurt a fly. He doesn't even know how to hurt a fly. He's always trying to blow it with wind. Yeah, treat it to a spa day. I mean, I wouldn't hurt a fly either, but I'd kill a fly. I mean, I hope it's quick and painless.

Not me, man. Draw it out. Oh, yeah. You're one of those kids. They don't feel pain. How do you know? They're like lobsters. I don't think lobsters don't feel pain.

Lobsters don't feel pain. That's because you have that exoskeleton. So strong. So strong. So strong. But like, don't you, when you put them in, don't they scream? That's just air escaping from the shell. That sounds like an old wives tale.

Yeah. Old wives are smart. They can cook more lobsters than anybody else. Would you be able to get drunk faster if you were in boiling water? Yeah, because there's a hot tub thing. Remember? But that might just be for the dehydration. Yeah, but I think the dehydration helped you get...

I know you can't get pregnant in a hot tub. That's true. Because you're a man. And we're just a couple of guys experimenting in a hot tub. A couple of fellas. It's fine. Did you ever... If the water's bubbling, nobody's judging.

Yeah, lives down the lane. Hey, it's as good of a rhyme scheme as any. I like the... Sometimes I'd be in a hot tub and there'd be a thermometer in the hot tub. Who was that for? The soup chef. Oh, was I in a cauldron? Was I being, I was being cooked?

There were a lot of carrots and onions being thrown in, I guess. I went to a hot spring and it was gross because there was a lot of people. Yeah, yeah. It's not a fun. All hot tubs are gross. But a hot spring has a special fart smell. Yeah. It's like a giant pool of so many people just all in it.

And it's like, this is horrendous. Yeah, and it's, you know, the kids being in there for sure. Yeah. But there's a hot pool, no kids. Too hot. Too hot. Hot damn. Yeah, yeah.

You make a dragon want to retire man not me i don't like dragons yeah what do you think they get for severance what's the age of retirement for dragons is 65 uh imagine it yeah yeah try and imagine it i prefer to eat lunch not be lunch it's a good line outside of the context of the dragon thing. If the character was eating lunch while a monster appeared on screen and he was enjoying his lunch. I mean, there's a lot of things that would have to happen. He's eating a burrito and a giant spider ship. If instead of it saying, here be dragons, it said, here be lunch. I'd rather eat lunch than here be lunch.

That's better. That's a better line. Yeah. eat lunch than hear me lunch. That's better. That's a better line. Yeah. Now we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the place.

Also with Lois and Clark. That's right. Not Lewis and Clark. I for sure didn't get that that was a gag. Lois and Clark. Until many, many years after that show had been on. Is that? Are you just getting it now?

Yeah. Dean Cain. About Lewis and Clark. Terry Hatcher. Yeah, and they went and explored the Oregon Trail together. One of them died of dysentery. Yeah, yeah. But I won't tell you which one.

It was Lewis. Because the other one's Superman. I'd like to explore her Oregon Trail. Oh, gross. What did I say? I'm gross. What? What did I say? I'm gross. If you want to send an overheard into us, you can send it to spy at MaximumFun.org.

This first one comes from John all the way from Brighton in the UK. Boy. I was outside my local library when I saw an art installation in the square. It was a large chalkboard with the phrase, before I die, I want to. And then people are supposed to fill in the things. I only glanced at it briefly, but the two messages chalked onto it that I saw read, Avengeambe and finger kate moss oh wait a go brighton yeah real giving you a nice class that's why we can't have interactive art in brighton kate moss still a thing over there oh yeah yeah oh yeah um i was reading like something from a British

website and in the sidebar it was all like kind of like clickbait it was all people I've never heard of it was like you know Katie Slemington bears all and I was like okay I'll click on it Katie Slemington

that sounds like a person did you know that this tank engine died? You won't believe who this tank engine's been blowing It's Percy, isn't it? Don't you know names of the I know Thomas and Percy and Mr. Topham Hatt Mr. Topham Hatt While Mr. Topham Hatt watched I tried Topham Hatt. While Mr. Topham Hatt watched.

I tried to watch a little bit of that with my child, and it sucked. It was really bad. Shining Time Station? Thomas and Friends or whatever. Yeah, the one that we were talking about a couple weeks ago with George Carlin and whatnot. That was Shining Time Station. Which had Thomas edited into it yeah they throw to it another class of another wacky thomas the tank engine and it would always just be that he didn't feel well or something right thomas couldn't

get the coal into his pack yeah he had a cold. I don't know. This next one comes from... Was that Ringo Starr, or was it just a British guy? Yeah, it was Ringo Starr. But it's so boring. The animation isn't animation. It's very bad. Someone's pushing a train whose face doesn't move, and it's mostly just narration.

It's just different. It'll cut away, and then it'll cut back to a different face. Be like, I'm upset now. Yeah. The trains were always upset about something. It's just like different. It'll cut away and then it'll cut back to like a different face. I'm upset now. Yeah. The trains were always upset about something. This one is from Mike in Michigan. I'm a high school social studies teacher. I recently got an interesting or got an interesting response on a quiz about World War One.

response on a quiz about World War I. I had shared the detail in class that before real gas masks were developed, soldiers were instructed to pee on a rag and hold it over their nose because some chemical in the urine would bind to the poison. And this is what a student

wrote on the quiz question which asked about World War I technology. The poison gas was fairly easy to use, as it was semen on a rag thrown to the enemy. What? It was just the kid really was like, well, what was I thinking about with a rag?

Something coming out of your wiener, one or the other. Ah, jizz rag. And just with the wiener in your wiener One or the other Ah jizz rag And just whiffed the wiener at me And gas came all over Oh man Yeah Just chuck it into a bunker They're all like

Ew Everybody just runs out of the fucking Everybody dies Start bayonetting each other Ah gross Ah it touched me. I got some on my sleeve. Cheers, isn't it?

It's on an American flag. Ah, gross. Yeah, courtesy of Uncle Sam. This one's for you, frowline. Frowline. A lot of women in world world this last

one comes from Julie P who is also a teacher this is the other week when my 9th grade students were working on a project and I was getting some grading done at my desk. I was thinking back about

the jizz race. Okay, go ahead. Yeah. So, Julie P p sitting at her desk uh writing out doing some uh doing some grading i looked up from my desk at the perfect time to watch one boy feed a cheeto quite slowly and centrally into another boy's mouth after asking the boy who fed the Cheeto if in fact I did just, did I just witness you feeding a Cheeto to your friend?

And he responded after a few beats with the straightest, most earnest face I've ever seen and said, just boys being boys. And said, just boys being boys. Yeah, yeah. Just feeding your friend a Cheeto really slowly. Nope. Well, this is just boys being boys. So there you go.

No words. All the overheards. No, no, no, no. Those are all the ones that are fit to print. Okay, but we also, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. And if you want to call us with your overheards, do it by dialing 1-844-779-7631. That is 1-UGH-SPYPOD1. Like these people have.

Yeah. Okay, so it's right here. Episode 478. Phone calls in your ears. Coming at you, Cleopatra. Hey, guys. It's Ethan from northern Vermont. I'm currently stuck at our local Walmart,

which is sort of the northern Vermont equivalent of the King's Day mall, I think. There's a really sad-looking Easter Bunny man walking around the store, and he just tripped over a shopping basket. He yelled, oh, motherfucker. It was great. Yeah, a swearing Easter Bunny? Now, because you have a little one, do you tell them that it's a bunny yeah and and does that compute okay she was calling it the christmas bunny for a while

because that we were like it's like santa claus yeah it comes and it brings eggs yeah and yeah she was into it yeah because i remember like i remember like we would show like i got out my phone and i said this is what the bunny looked like right and was it like a bunny that's wearing pants and glasses yeah maybe i like there's so many glasses yeah the one that was posed with uh president trump had glasses why did they give it glasses? I don't know. It's a mythical being. Why would they myth it up with a disability? Santa wears glasses.

Does he? Yeah. Easter Bunny. I mean, Gooseberry. Why not imagine perfect vision? Why not imagine dragons? I don't know.

Because I prefer to eat lunch. Okay. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and my favorite guest. This is Rachel Collins from Oregon with an overheard. In the break room at work today, a couple of coworkers sitting behind me were talking, I think, about how many people were living in a particular house or apartment. I wasn't paying very close attention.

Just heard them counting. And one of them said, oh, yeah, six, seven, there's eight of them. And her friend said, how do you get eight? And she said, well, I'm counting two dogs as one person. Oh, yeah. That's how they speak in the movies. If only voting worked like that. Yeah, you're a person.

You're two dogs pretending to be a person. So that's one. You can have a vote. You're 17 goldfish pretending to be one person. So you can have a vote. How many cats is a person? Two. Two cats?

Same as dogs. Really? What about a cat and a dog? Is that a person? Yeah. Cat and dog is a person. What about birds? How many birds to a person? Two. Two cats? Famous dogs. Really? What about a cat and a dog? Is that a person? Yeah. Cat and dog's a person. What about birds? How many birds to a person? A thousand. They're less than goldfish.

Uh, yeah. Unless they're parrots who can talk, and then one parrot is a person. One parrot, oh right. What about a toucan? Can't talk, but really big. And follows its nose. Yeah. Does it have a nose? Toucan Sam had a yeah well it's good he's got a beak follow your nose is what he would say though

yeah yeah yeah i know but oh i guess he was talking to other people yeah but did he like fruit loops i can't did he like fruit loops you kidding me yeah there's none of these none of the mascots are like I don't prefer yeah I don't care for these I'm just a serial messenger

I don't indulge but you kids have fun yeah I'll be up in this branch stripping the bark off and licking the inside I wanna watch you eat them

I'm the mascot I want to watch you eat them. I'm the mascot that likes to watch. And here's your final overheard. Hello, Dave, Graham, and reasonable guest. This is Luke from Seattle. And I can't remember if I already called this in. I've been meaning to, and I just don't remember if I did or not. So sorry if this is a double, but I've been laughing about it for like two weeks.

I was cooking dinner for my kid and my girlfriend's kids, and we were all sitting down to eat, and my girlfriend's daughter kind of gagged on a piece of something and spat it back out on her plate. And I said, oh, are you okay? And she said very melodramatically, yeah, it just went through the wrong part of my neck. And then I laughed at that kind of involuntarily, and then she got mad that I was laughing.

I was like, it's not funny that it happened. It was just a funny way to say it. And she was like, I mean, through the tubes. And then I started laughing again. And she got even more incensed and said, very huffily, I learned about the tubes. Went through a weird part of my neck, through my spine. Yeah. Went on the outside of my neck.

Where I was shaving. I learned about the tubes. That's what teacher was like. Okay, kids. Today we're learning about the tubes of my neck. Where I was shaving. I learned about the tubes. That's what teacher was like, Okay, kids, today we're learning about the tubes in your neck. But it is that sort of thing of like, Well, I wasn't paying attention enough to name the tubes. Yeah. Except for Michael, whose parents didn't sign the permission slip to learn about tubes.

Because he's a Christian scientist. So he has to sit in the hall and play a rollercoaster deck. That's way better! I want to be in that science! And he's making the rollercoaster go through a bunch of tubes! This is an affair! He's learning!

Oh, yeah. Nature finds a way for us to learn about the tubes. Yeah. Well, Ivan, that is the end of this here episode. Oh, I'm so sad. I was having such a fun time. Well, we had fun.

Yeah. You know, all things must draw to a close, you know? Not everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything. What? Do you have anything coming up in the second half of May or in June, perhaps, that you want to plug? Nothing.

Well, we're doing The Debaters and Prince George. And Prince George. Prince Jorge. Yeah, yeah. But other than that, nothing particular. My album's on iTunes still and Spotify. I Want It To Be A Dinosaur. That's correct.

And where can people find you online? On Twitter at Ivan Decker. And you can also just Google Ivan Decker and there'll be some links. Are you the most famous Ivan Decker? Yeah. And the most famous Ivan D under Ivan Drago. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure.

Sorry for auto-completing. Trying to dethrone that guy. Well, good luck. He fights not for Mother Russia. He fights for himself. Yeah, he's in one of the better Rocky movies. Yep. Yeah.

Certainly better than Rocky. I mean, it is one of my favorites, so I can't argue that point. And we are appearing in Toronto, but it may be sold out by the time yeah podcast is there a second show we don't know we don't know yet hard to say um and uh i'll be uh in toronto doing the fringe festival there you're doing your one-man show one-man show graham clark the decorate the cake yeah graham clark decorates a cake. Yeah, Graham Clark decorates a cake. Really? No.

It's called Graham Clark's Not Here. Oh, cool. And also, I think that's it. I think that's enough plugs. Are you mad that I came up with a great show idea too late? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too late for me to change the title. And I mean the graphic. I can picture it in my head.

There'd be a lot of Fondant fans showing up being like, hey, let's go. Yeah, I don't know how to lay Fondant. Fondant heads. That's, well, yeah, my cake friends and I used to call having sex laying Fondant. No? Dave? Laying pipes? Yeah, I get it.

Tubes? Laying tubes. I know I get it. Tubes? Laying tubes? I know about the fondant. And if you like the show, you should head over to MaximumFun.org. Because there'll be a blog post. There'll be monsters. There'll be dragons. For sure.

How do you feel about lunch? I like it. Pictures and videos of things we talked about on this episode. Uh-oh. Oh yeah, for sure. The gimp from Uh-oh. Roller coaster tycoon. Yeah.

Tubes. I know about the tubes. Yeah, I know about the tubes. And thanks for listening. If you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself Stop Podcasting Yourself Stop Podcasting Yourself Yeah man we putting the band back together

Yeah the uh what were we called? The Crazy Rhythm Daddies? Yeah, the Crazy Rhythm Daddies. That was my mom's friend's band when I was a kid. Really? Yeah. That sucks. I know.

Very bad.