Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 483 - Christine Bortolin

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

Improviser Christine Bortolin returns to talk dumb dogs, sunscreen, and pedicures.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 483 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, uh, he's only unbuttoned the very top button of his shirt. But I have a feeling by the end of the podcast, we're going to get all the way to three. Well, the top button, I never, the very top button never gets that.

Never. Sometimes. Unless you're wearing a tie or as I say on. Sometimes. Unless you're wearing a tie, or as I say on my fashion blog, you're rocking a tie. What's the name of your fashion blog again? A pop of color with Dave Shumka. What you want is a little bit of pop of color.

Get some fun socks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you should be rocking a tie with that vest if you want to be mixing drinks in my... How do you feel about pocket squares oh boy you gotta have pocket square for a little pop of color can't be beat on pop of color um and our guest today on pop of color uh a very funny comedian you can see her perform every tuesday night at little mountain with the little Mountain Improv Team

and the Little Mountain Improv Five, the Little Mountain Improv Players. And on June 24th, you'll be able to see her at the Fox Cabaret as part of Quiz Show.

It's Christine Bordelon. Hello. Hello. Poor dog. Calling it an improv team makes it seem like there's a goal. There's a goal. There's a goal.

There's an end. Laughter. Fun. Yeah. Friendship. Yeah. They're like long-term goals. Yeah.

No like monetary or fully creative like expression past. Oh, that's the helicopter. Yeah, there's a helicopter overhead. But I don't think the listener can hear it. So let's. But do you think there's somebody on the lam? Yeah, of course. Oh, duh.

Whenever there I do. Let's get to know us. Yeah. Get to know us. Couple things. Whenever I am out and about and I see a helicopter, like in this neighborhood, because sometimes you'll see them you know if you're around the

hospital. Yeah yeah right. People flying in organs. But in this neighborhood I always think someone's on the lam and then I'm always walking the dog and I'm like I hope the guy they're looking for wasn't walking a dog. Yeah it's very it's too sunny to be on the lam I feel like that's a bad

time to be trying to you need shadows to go hide in if it's very it's too sunny to be on the lam i feel like that's a bad time to be trying to you need shadow like shadows to go hide in if it's sunny like i always you know when you watch those on youtube of like somebody who's still in the car and then he gets out and he just runs yeah well how far do you think you're gonna get yeah you need to drive the car into like a swamp. The other thing is, did you do, I was thinking when you said improv team, that said, do you improv team makes me think matching shirts. Oh, sure. Like a team t-shirt. The other thing is, were you, did you do the Canadian improv games?

I absolutely did. Did you, when I did it, we had to do, what was it called? An issues scene? Life scene. Life scene. What's that? Take us through what's a life scene. And for those not familiar, the Canadian Improv Games are the competitive high school improv in Canada.

Oh, it's high school. Yeah. Ah, okay. The life event is supposed to show a sincere representation of a moment in a person's life. So it's supposed to be like the one where you kind of show you can act. It's the one that's not necessarily about getting laughs. Oh. Which everyone goes the opposite way and tries to make it the most dramatic ever.

And when you're a 16-year-old, how many of them are about? I'm on drugs, mom, and I'm pregnant. I'm adopted. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, how many of them are about... I'm on drugs, Mom, and I'm pregnant. I'm adopted. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say, how many of them are about teen pregnancy? One time,

this one team, you get a suggestion at the beginning and their suggestion... Yeah, yeah, we know what improv is. I mean, the listeners aren't idiots.

Well, the suggestion would be, the way it went up and it was, can we please get an issue that might come up in a person's life if they have a developmental disability? Oh, boy. And then one person played that in the scene. And it was like basketball tryouts or something. It was absurd. Oh, dear. What might come up with someone who has a developmental disability? Basketball tryouts.

Because you know what? They're normal people like the rest of us. Exactly. But you were like somebody gave you that, like this is the issue you guys are going to have to talk about. And then the suggestion was oh no that wasn't us that a team decided that that is what they're asked for would be yeah oh i see they decided every event that we do for the life event is gonna be this one woman is gonna

play someone with a developmental disability wait a woman they got a grown up? oh I guess a teenage girl grandfathered in she's just so good at playing it man you know what I could pass math but I want to stay in high school

to keep playing this borderline offensive character or very offensive I do like the notion if she treats it with respect yeah I like the notion of she treats it with respect yeah I like the notion of like a high school

because you hear about like sports teams where you know scouts will come and give you some money and maybe a car if you come over to their college but with the improv team there's a lot of scouts here tonight. They can only offer massage circles.

Yeah. We got a very competitive program. We wear neckties as belts when we're on stage. That's our thing. We rock neckties. Now, Christine. Yes. When I sent you a message a couple days ago to come appear on the show, you were away on the island shooting like a Hallmark.

Is that right? Hallmark? Yeah. Christmas movie? It's like Hallmark. I think it's for another network, but it's Hallmark-like. And it's a Christmas wedding movie called Runaway Christmas Bride. Okay.

Can we start? You're not going to get in trouble if we make fun of it. I don't know. Well, you don't have to make fun of it. It was a great experience. Yeah. There you go. What was Dean Cain like?

Yeah. Who was there? Who plays the Runaway Bride? Yeah, who was there? Who plays the runaway bride? Oh, okay, okay. Can we guess? Sammy from Days of Our Lives. Oh, yeah. That's not a bad guess.

Or Hilary Duff's sister. She's in a lot of them. Yeah. Haley Duff. Catherine Bell of JAG. Oh, yeah. These are all really good suggestions. I think my... Who's the one that wasn't Tori Spelling and wasn't Shannon Doherty?

Jenny Garth? Yeah, Jenny Garth. I feel like Jenny Garth could definitely be in a Hallmark movie, right? Guys, can I interrupt what we're doing? My sister just texted me asking if there was a shooting near me. Oh. Oh, helicopter. Yeah.

You were right. All right. All right. This is all unfolding in real time. Okay. I'm just going to text her back. Yeah. The show must go on.

The show must go on. We've got to learn about this runaway Christmas bride. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, maybe she's running away because she's shot someone. Yeah. But like the term Christmas bride, that's not a term. No, it's not.

But it's very popular. Really? Summertime in Vancouver. Oh, yeah. Lots of like wedding Christmas movies. Oh, yeah. Lots of wedding Christmas movies. Oh, absolutely. Wedding Christmas movies? Yeah.

Or just general Christmas romantic movies. Lots of weddings. You'll be walking downtown and it'll be a beautiful sunny day. Right. And there'll be a bunch of fake snow in a park. And there's Jenny Garth. And Ian Ziering, back together for the first time

since Beverly Hills then? And did I mention how beautiful Jenny Garth is? Or did I get interrupted by the hell I got? And one time I was walking by and there was a townhouse that had,

or like a bunch of townhouses and they had decorated the outsides of these townhouses. So it's all Christmas up in July. Did you, was that the case on this film set? Fakes No? No, not in my portion. They went up to a mountain, to Mount Washington after I left.

All of my stuff was pretty much inside or at night. And who were you? I was sister of the bride. Oh, that's a juicy role. A little busybody. Did we find out who the bride is? Is it someone who resembles you? I was sister of the bride. Oh, that's a juicy role. A little busybody. Did we find out who the bride is? Is it someone who resembles you? No.

Someone who you could play their sister? Not someone who resembles you? Not really. I don't know what they've done. Oh, okay. I didn't creep enough. Yeah. Obviously.

You were just like, I'm here to do a job. Get used to it. Guys, I'm going to interrupt. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Update. Dave a job. Get used to it. Guys, I'm going to interrupt. Oh, okay. Update. Dave on the ones with the murder report. Well, yeah. She said shooting, but it might be a murder.

Oh. So it was, I'm not going to say my location, but according to this, it was about six blocks from here. What? Towards Broadway. And on the news, they said Chopper 9 was overhead, but the images were too gruesome to show. Whoa, what?

Brent was walking that way. Brent Constantine, local comedian. Oh, boy. I don't have his number. Yeah. Well he tried.

You left your phone upstairs. Do you want to go get it and find out if he's okay? No I'm sure he's fine. Okay well.

I have so much faith. If he has been gruesomely killed we'll cut this part out. Great thank you. And then we'll

just get some clean stuff about the Christmas bride. Yeah. So who played your sister? A woman named Cindy. I don't know her last name right now.

Wow, you didn't creep at all. I didn't creep enough because of the bee. Cindy Bee. Yeah. Oh, man. Was she famous? Is she a famous lady?

I think that Both of like The lead people Had been Regulars on TV series And stuff Right I'm not in the know

At all though That's fine But everyone was so great It felt like a little family Who was the other lead? The male lead Travis Travis P

Travis M. Yeah, why not? Yeah, it's gone. Okay. And so what type of sister? Are you the supportive sister? Are you a jealous sister? Those are the two types.

I'm a bossy wedding planner. I planned that wedding and I was real mad when she spoiler alert ran away and then but then she falls in love again and I'm I guess on board yeah

do you get to plan the second wedding when she falls in love again I assume she gets married I assume I do it's one scene but like I I assume I

I have a headpiece in that's what that was my next question do you get to wear a headset? Oh, yeah. I was picturing like a fascinator. Yeah, I mean, both would be appropriate. But you can't plan a wedding while being the sister of the bride.

You have to be involved. Well, I think that that's the problem. I love my job. I also leave when she's in a critical place because I got to get back to work. So you ran away. Yeah, you're the runaway. It runs in the family. Who are the parents?

Carl Lewis, Lawrence Griffith Joyner. Yeah. Famous runner. There's a local actor named Mackenzie Gray. Oh, yeah. Who plays my father in it. And then my mother is named Karen Kruper. Karen Kruper.

Kruper. She is so much fun. Oh, man. She's such a cool woman. Why? What was so cool about her? Oh, she just, like, asks for things when she needs them. Which I now realize isn't as much of a superpower.

Like, what are we talking about? Like, do you have extra napkins? Stuff like that? Like some ketchup? That type of thing? Where can I plug my phone in? Can you make the makeup on my eyes even? Oh, that's a good one.

That kind of stuff? Yeah. Or can you? Well, that's a little, like, what were they doing unevenly? Well, you know, like. Underneath. Yeah. Or if you're just kind of, you know, when you're doing something repetitive and you just kind of.

Zone out. Yeah. So, like, maybe she's got, like, one fancy kind of Cleopatra eye. One farmer's eye. What's a farmer's eye plain is that a term from women's

with things you know what give me one farmer one Cleopatra you know what I'm playing a farmer in this one give me two farmer eyes

you know what if two of you if one's gonna do each eye I want you to communicate before I yeah farmer eyes oh boy um was there a If one's going to do each eye, I want you to communicate before I farmer eyes.

Oh, boy. Was there an email circulated like a week ago or whatever by Steve Harvey? Okay. Okay. I thought it was like when you say an email was circulated a few weeks ago, I thought it was like forward, forward, forward, forward from my mom. No, Steve Harvey had sent out an email to all of the staff on his daytime talk show about when people are allowed to talk to him. And one of the big ones was, never when I'm in the chair, when I'm getting my makeup done.

Never. Yeah. So did you have to lay down the law at any point? Were people talking to you when you were getting makeup done? Absolutely. And I didn't lay down any law. That's how I roll. Yeah.

As long as the, but you ended up with super uneven makeup. No, no. I learned. And I was like, oh, would you mind changing this eye? And they did it. Nice. Because I asked. That's a pretty cool thing. Yeah. I mean. It's weird. You're discovering your did it. Nice. Because I asked. That's a pretty cool thing.

Yeah. I mean. It's weird. You're discovering your own superpower. On a film set. It's a weird like hierarchy of like the PA is worried he's going to, you know, get fired if he eats too many Oreos. But I did one time get a very stirred talking to about how many times how many visits i was making to the crap those twizzlers are for everyone yeah uh how many fuzzy peaches do

you think you need my mouth's just all super cut up oh i don't know like as a how many days were you on this um i would think i was there for five or six days total, and I was on set for four. So you're there for four days. That's pretty good. Trailer? No, part of it is all part of a house. If you're there for one day, you can like, and you're not sure you could boss around the makeup lady who's there the whole time.

But four days, you're like, all right. Yeah, yeah. Remember yesterday? Remember what my eyes looked like yesterday, honey? Yeah. Yeah. Miss thing. They were really good.

I think it's because under my eyes can get real dark. Yeah. Especially because I don't look at what I eat. You don't sleep. And I don't sleep. That's true. You don't look at what you eat? I don't really pay attention to what I eat.

And so I think I eat things that make under my eyes darker. Do you cook? Yeah. Yeah, what's your iron? Are you getting enough iron? Isn't that one of the things? I thought that's when you don't have enough blood vessels in the bottom of your eye. Okay, she just pulled her eyelid down.

Yeah, yeah. Very brutal. I thought she was going to do the flip. Remember kids that would flip their eyelid inside out? Oh, man. Like, I was like, you will do anything for attention, kid. If you're flipping your body parts inside out. I'd give them, I'd poke them in the eye if they did that.

Oh, I wouldn't want to touch it. Two in the pink. My policy across the board. I think that the only thing that could do that is a dog dogs can do eye tricks like yeah they can yeah they can like flicker their eyes yeah they're asleep yeah they don't know they're doing it yeah they're not trying to show off so you does your dog uh run in his sleep yes i love it and kind of like yeah yeah yeah yeah sort of a laser part yeah do you ever hold the dog this was a thing that i like when we had a small dog it was like turn on the water in the tub and just hold it oh yeah the water and it just starts swimming no but that sounds great. Make a point

of doing it tonight. Yeah, make a blockbuster tonight. Because I guess they hear water and that's just the instinct. It doesn't need to be running.

They just need to be above it. Yeah, and they'll just start. It's so cute. And I've seen like, even a stupid dog? Especially a stupid dog. Okay, great.

Yeah, I think like the dumber the better. Yeah, a stupid dog, you can put it over a cup of a cup of water just like a big tall glass of water

you can show them a map of the Atlantic Ocean here we go your dog is especially dumb he's so stupid he's a pretty dumb dog but that works to his benefit, I think. Does he know his own name? Yep.

Okay, so that's one thing. And he knows what he's afraid of, which I think is his skill. I think we all have that. Yeah. Is he afraid to ask for things he needs? He just needs a strong woman to show up as his boss. Like that Kruper lady. Yeah.

What is... What's the dumbest thing he does? Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Just normal dog things, I think. I can't think of a specific moment that he's done something really stupid. Why don't you take a walk around the block, come back, and you have an answer okay when he i feel like when he sniffed and he didn't realize we need to go back to the people not who weren't in the kitchen before

your other dog my other dog 16 year old um recently uh passed away and had to be euthanized yes um because he was very sick. And. You heard from Cesar Millan. Cesar Millan says to have another, your other dogs sniff the body. And so we had him

come in and sniff it, but he's so stupid. He gave one sniff to Charlie and then he was like looking around the room for other stuff. At the vet. That's a rough crowd.

Like, I don't know. If I, if my, oh, this is bad. crowd. Like, I don't know. If I, if my, oh. Yeah, Dave. I don't know. Do you want to go down this path? I was like, if my sibling died, I would smell him. I wouldn't necessarily know why I was being brought to smell my sleeping. That's true.

I guess I just thought that a dog would be able to tell right away. Like it would release a pheromone yeah i wonder about how there's no re yeah but like when a dog uh is smell like when i when i see a dog just like pointing its nose in the air just in a i'm like what yeah what is that dog smelling it's probably something very far away that he's just caught on a draft somewhere. But like, is it a hot dog or is it, you know, or is he smelling emotions? Like somebody's very angry at somebody and like, cause they have the bet. One of the best noses, right?

Yeah. Dogs in general. Yeah. Toucans and dogs. I know this one toucan he follows his nose to fruit yeah that's how he solves uh crimes well there's never been a a tv show where the person uses their sense of smell their superior sense of smell to solve crimes i mean they're never as far as i know i mean there's been like lots of ones about a guy who's blind there's been ones about a guy in a wheelchair but there's been werewolf ones and they can smell really good and that's been part of it

now they just need a werewolf where was this werewolf police show that you're talking about? No, Wolf by Night or whatever. Was that a show? Brent Butt, our friend, was telling me about these terrible 70s shows. And there was one called Wolf by Night, I think. And it was a cop show, but a werewolf? Maybe he was more of a superhero than a cop. Yes. What does Daredevil use?

He uses... He kind of feels. Yeah, and he uses his... Echo location. Yeah, he's kind of like a dolphin. Well, there was... There was a movie. It was based on the book of the same name, Perfume, by Patrick Suskind.

About a murderer who uses his sense of smell to murder people. To murder girls at the peak of their, you know, when they're right as they're flowering. Jesus. And he takes their hair and he makes the world's most wonderful perfume out of it. With their skin and stuff. Yeah. I saw that. Wow.

It was directed by Tom Tickver. Who's that? He co-directed Cloud Atlas with the Wachowskis. Now I have to watch this movie. It's taking a lot of boxes for me. And he also directed Run, Lola, Run. Oh, yes. Is Alan Rickman in that movie?

What? The perfume one? Perfume? Maybe. It's just like, as if puberty's not hard enough, then you hear on the news that there's a killer out there making perfume out of your hair. It's only ladies, though, right?

It's not teen boys? Nobody wants teen boys anyway. I used to do a joke in my act about how, like, in sex ed before, like when we were, you know, seven or eight, they didn't teach you about, you know, your body changing. They taught you that people would try to trick you to coming into a van. Yeah. So they could watch your body change. About having the no feeling or your bathing suit area. But there was never an announcement to the boys that like age 14, no one's trying to do this to you anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. You are off the market. Get in as many vans as you want. You will be asked to leave if you do not have grass or gas. So as well, the last time you were on the podcast, you were just moving into a house with like six people. You were the sixth.

Yeah, we were, there's two apartments, three bedrooms each on the top floor of a building. So you were moving into Animal House. Wait. Okay. Yeah.

Sorry. I was like, three bedrooms per person? Luxurious. And then you just moved again. Yeah. Out of Party House. Unfortunately, yeah. I left and then I moved in with my boyfriend.

Yes. And we moved to new westminster what yeah just now uh yeah like uh in the last month why yeah you're out you're out of the city i know it's a brand new building and it has in-suite laundry and a gym downstairs i haven't used yet yeah and you probably never let's be honest whenever you walk past an apartment building and there's that somebody working out and it's you can see them through the window that's the only time they've ever done it yeah the only time they've ever used that sim that's the week they moved in yeah i'll be here every week every week why not every day yeah your body in shape still though you know sticking to an every week why not every day get your body in shape still though

you know sticking to an every week schedule have you used the in sweet laundry yeah it's amazing also

it's not like I thought it would be I'm not shocked and surprised when I use it now I'm just used to it which is horrifying for when I move

and I don't have it anymore because I'll never afford I had to prove we had to prove how poor we were to live in this apartment for what we're paying. That's a twist

on the old formula is like you have to prove that you have enough money to live in a place. So you had to be like we combined don't have enough. Here's how much improv

we do in a week. Yeah, and then they make you do a scene you're really good and you're a scene. You're really good. They're like, all right. You can live here. Everybody else is making a scene there. Everybody complains about everything.

Oh. I've never been in an apartment like this. Have people complained about you? Yeah, we got a noise complaint. For no, we don't do anything. We had to ask them what it was for. We don't do anything? Hmm.

No, we don't do anything. We had to ask them what it was for. We don't do anything? Well, she does in-suite laundry. Yeah. All hours of the day, apparently. Well, you weren't being too loud working out. Now, this is a brand new building.

Is it a co-op? Why do you have to prove you're poor to live in a brand new building? I don't know. I don't know what it is. I found it on the internet. It's non-market and then market housing in the apartment building. Oh, okay. It's like what they say they have to do every time they build one of these big projects. do every time they build one of these big projects.

But always what ends up happening is they say, ah, it turns out we ended up over budget, so we can't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like they've developed a lot in that general area. I've developed a lot too. These last couple years.

And now those strangers leave you alone. I think they must have a thing with the city. There's a cool young mayor. I haven't met him. You probably will. I'm on track. Yeah.

I think the mayor likes to greet every new resident. And like, wait, so New Westminster has its own mayor? Yeah. They also have their own like, we don't use own mayor yeah they also have their own like we don't use BC hydro they have their

own system oh that's weird that is weird what do they use um new west something new west

mayor I'm also throwing money at that I don't even know what that is

I gave them my credit card right away this is why I make as little as I do

I guess so what cause you get robbed yeah but you know what you get to write those This is why I make as little as I do, I guess. So what? Because you get robbed? Yeah, but you know what? You get to write those off at tax time. Here's all the money I lost to robbery. Incompetence.

Oh, there should be a column for incompetence. There really should. And I put a check through the wash. I was too embarrassed to ask for them to write another one. Yeah. Accidentally tipped a taxi driver $50 when I was drunk. Stuff like that. I really like this. Yeah.

I, for the second time in like five months, my credit card was compromised. Oh. I do everything on the internet and use the same password. Password. But the person who got it, they flagged it because they tried to buy a $1 gift card at Tim Hortons. Oh, my gosh. Like, good gift. A $1.

Can you imagine somebody giving you a gift card and then you go to use it and you're like, I'll just get a coffee and they're like, you owe us 75 cents.

Yeah. Feels like they were just trolling you. Well, I think they do a little one. Maybe they tried to buy it online. Okay.

And so they didn't like, and so they're just testing it out. But apparently, no, they had, they bought, they successfully got like $150 worth of, I'm guessing, phone cards. And they tried, they spent $10 at Kijiji. Oh, yeah. I don't know how you spend money on Kijiji. Maybe. Kijiji is like Canadian Craigslist, right?

Maybe like ad space. Yeah, or maybe to post an ad you have to pay. I don't know. I don't know. What is New Westminster like? I really only know one street. It's historic. The main street there?

Yeah, because the comedy club is on. Yeah, Columbia. Yeah. So I don't know anything about it. That's the entirety of I know. And is it nice? It's nice. I don't know a lot more than that.

Right. Do you live right by there? No, I live like up the hill from there a little bit. But then it's pretty close. And there's a key there. Yeah, yeah. Which is nice. But I haven't been to the Conforwad.

Is there like a casino down there or something? It's got that vibe. There's a hospital. So you haven't been down to the key. There's a hospital. There's the Justice Institute. Yeah. And I've done hostage stuff for them before.

Wait. I know my career around. What kind of hostage stuff? Where like I pretend that my boyfriend has me at gunpoint. So you've done acting for them? Yeah, basically. And then they train the guys. Wow.

And other people. To kidnap people? Here's where your mistake was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I noticed his door's unlocked. They like throw a phone at you at one point. And he's just crying the whole time. Cell phone?

No, like a big box. Wow. Like something you could toss in the water, it feels like. And it'd be fine. And then you open it, and then there's an old-fashioned phone inside. Oh. Oh. Oh, so the cops throw the phone at you.

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. I made it seem like your kidnapper is just whipping phones at you. Yeah, that's what I thought. I was like, so the kidnapper throws a phone at you. They're very well off. Yeah, and then you throw the phone in the water? Why would you do that?

Water's right there in the key. That's true. We're down by the key. by the key um yeah because i feel like that that main uh strip there has like a very weird assortment yeah lots of prom stuff yeah there's more than one like designated prom stores i grew up in brindaby and we would go to new west because that was a hot place to look for prom gear. What are your top three prom gear items? I'm talking strappy shoes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe a corset.

Oh, sure. Really? Brightly colored dress. That thing that goes on your hand or your arm. A corsage? Corsage. Corsage. Corset to corsage.

Everything you need for prom. That's a better name than most of those places yeah what abby used to work down there right uh as a seamstress oh at a place that made like costumes for you know theater under the stars and it's like if you had a dance troupe they would make your costumes or if you were like I think they would do custom prom stuff as well. Yeah, and it was also like, wasn't it like the place to go if you had a kid that was doing ballet? Yeah, Abby made tutus every day. Tutus, yeah.

What was it called? I don't know. Corset to corset. Yeah, tutu to utu. It was called, we still owe you $4,500. Incorporated. We wrote that off to a company that doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, so there's prom stores.

Then there's a weird old strip club. Paramount? The Paramount. Paramount, yeah. Yeah, that has, I think, men's entrance and women's entrance. Whoa, really? Yeah, from old times is it liquor in the front and poker in the rear

it was the seriousness with which you asked the question i think um but i think back in the maybe it's the Paramount, but it's one of those bars had, you know, way back in the early 1900s, a men's entrance and a woman's entrance. And it's still there. But the women, is that for the employees? No, I think it was like, there was some weird liquor law back in the day that like you could serve liquor but no nowhere where it was like anybody could get laid i guess was was you know it was something like that like you could have a club or something some weird loophole anyways there's a bar there that has that so you can check that out it's called the loophole um Have you been to a strip club? Actually, yes.

There is a club there called Hypnotic with a Q. Oh, yeah. And that has replaced a place called Fever that was there before. And at Fever, in the back room, my friends in high school brought me there. And they would go all the time. And there was amateur stripping by men in the back. Oh, okay. It was very dangerous.

I feel like maybe I talked about this before. Amateur stripping by men. It was very weird. What's the one downtown? The Penthouse? Yeah. I see they have signs up saying they have amateur night, which appeals to me as a lover of independent performers.

Independent art. But I never imagined amateur meant. Well, but if you've ever seen the movie Magic Mike, I mean, that's where they start out. In the back room of fever. Yeah. They have to put a towel under their butt so they don't ruin their chairs. I grease myself up too much.

If you don't put down a towel, I will slide onto the floor. Ran out of toilet paper today, so it's anyone's guess. I ran out of toilet paper today, so it's anyone's guess. I didn't have enough just regular body oil, so I just used some of my roommate's salad dress. Yeah, this is peanut oil. If anyone has any allergies, get out. And so you saw these amateur men? Yeah, and sometimes it would be very dangerous. One guy had a pot, like a cooking pot,

and he filled it with some sort of flammable liquid, and then he put it on fire on the floor, and he had a little hat on, and then he was hopping over it, and flicking his dick around. And so at one point, he chose one woman, and she was so into it she was like

yes yes me and he was like get over here she got on her hands and knees and she was crawling towards him but he was over the flame

and she almost lit her hair on fire it was wild but he had mesmerized her with the flame welcome children Jack Flash they're not allowed to touch you with their bare dick, so they have to put it on.

I support the Second Amendment right to bare dick, by the way. So what, he has to put like a cozy on it or something? Like a white dish rag. And he placed it on a woman's knee. And then he like oh suzanne yeah will you do me the honor flicked his half chub at her it was so in oh and what's the wow are these all like 20 year old guys um i don't know i would say they're probably maybe early 30s i was like 18 early 30s late 20s early 30s yeah i'm just the the way i'm picturing this act in my head it's just like

the way i'm picturing life going for you to go through your 20s and then at age 31 be like amateur stripper i think it's just if yeah, if you had something like really strict parents and you just walked. That you lived with until you were 30. Yeah, you just walked the line for so long and then you're like, I just want to put my wiener on a lady. I mean, not directly on a lady. On a clean white towel. Yeah. clean white towel.

Yeah. Although the, the, when I was, uh, probably like 18 or 19 in Calgary, there was this place called the Plaza nightclub. And on Wednesday night, it was ladies night.

And men were allowed to be there until a certain time. And then all the men were put in the upstairs bar because then they had strippers come out at like 11 o'clock. And the men would laugh. Men would make fun of them. Yeah, yeah. And so all the men had to go upstairs,

but we could still see down into the bar. We just couldn't go in there. So there was like this tiny bar upstairs with all these men standing around watching the dancers.

And women were losing their minds. People were going crazy. They wanted to be at the champagne table. You had to cheer the loudest for that. Wow. The three times I've been to a strip club, the men play it pretty cool. I think it's because they know that they will be decapitated if they touch anybody or do anything. There's not even enthusiasm.

Yeah, yeah. But I feel like that's really because there's like these giant bouncers just everywhere. Like you don't want to be the guy who's like yeah! Yeah! I feel like

this had a vibe of it being like a back room thing. Carpeted floor. Ew. Oh, God. Put a blanket down on that. And we're just surrounding them in chairs on the outside. But then people just stood up and we were just, it's like the fire was in the middle like a campfire. Yeah.

What's that smell of melting carpet? So this wasn't up on a stage. This was just in a room. No, in the middle of the back room. This was dripping in the round. Oh, man. It was so weird. That's like the nightmare that you drink something at a bar, you black out, you wake up, you're dancing naked in a back room.

There's a weird pot full of fire in front of you. Jump, jump, jump. And then at the end, having to pack it all up once you're done. That's a little awkward too. Yeah. That's awkward for both sexes, I think. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, the, the, like, well, I stripped but ain't no one coming to pick up my clothes for me. I gotta try to put this fire out before I move it. But like at burlesque shows, if you ever go to a burlesque show, they have people who come out between acts and collect all the gear. But you're right. Strip clubs, they don't. You're all on your own.

And they were all prop heavy. Oh, yeah? Yeah. What was another prop? I mean, that obviously was the king of props. Oof. I mean, you know, I would probably come in with a big thing of ice cream. And, you know, I'd be called Scoops.

I can only think of like wrestler props. I'm like, maybe a big snake. A metal chair. Yeah, like a barber shears. One lady wants her haircut. Just let me, here, let me put you in my sleeper hole. I gotta put a rag over my wiener first. But that was, the guys that we saw were also very, there was a character.

It wasn't just a stripper. It was like a guy comes in, he's like in fatigues. And then he does like a whole, and the music matches the character too. Yeah. It's a real experience, the male stripping. So, you know. For your entertainment dollar. So, scoops would come out and, you know, for your entertainment dollar.

So scoops would come out and he would... Everybody get your cones ready. He'd strip to the Jimmy Crack corn playing from the ice cream truck. Yeah, and then my big finishing song is Candyman Can when I throw sprinkles everywhere. It's a terrible prop because it starts melting right away yeah i need a giant freezer right up until showtime yeah um oh wow what was uh what were some of the other props do you remember or it's just the fire guy really stands out the fire guy really stood out because i was really scared for everyone's well-being but uh there was a policeman

right um and he had handcuffs that were plastic and they weren't really working and then i'm trying to remember if there were any more i feel like there was some sort of zookeeper oh yeah oh sure was it kevin james capitalizing on the popular, the sexy popularity. First draft is very different. Wow. Yeah. It's weird.

You're talking about the lady almost lighting her hair on fire. The only time that I've ever seen that. Also in New Westminster. Really? Yeah. I mean, I didn't see it. But Phil, past guest Phil Hanley, was on stage when a lady leaned back during a show. She was super drunk, and her hair fell into a candle behind her and went up like a...

And so I can't remember if somebody dumped a jug of beer on her head or whatever to put it out. I was on stage once when someone just lit a napkin on fire. Well, that's real distracting. Like with their candle. Like something a four-year-old kid would do. Oh, boy. Dave, what's going on with you? Guys?

Yeah. The horrible heat is upon us. Oh, boy. It was nice for exactly one day. And then it was just like, oh, from nice to oppressive. It's only the beginning.

And, uh, so what I, I've made a decision. I am never, not never. Okay. Wait,

is there a motorcycle outside or a helicopter? Or a low flying helicopter? Just really close. Um, I am no longer going to wear sunscreen oh that's an interesting life choice why because it sucks it's worth i'd rather get a sunburn it's so uncomfortable putting on sunscreen you always miss a spot it gets all over your hands your hands never feel right again your face never feels right again yeah your hands it's true your hands are just like they're just greased up for

the rest of the day yeah put on a spray have you ever tried to spray yeah i, your hands, it's true, your hands are just like, they're just greased up for the rest of the day. Yeah. Put on a spray. Have you ever tried a spray? Yeah, I've tried a spray. It's all bad. I haven't tried spray. Is it good?

It's way better than cream. Yeah. In my opinion. You spray it on, then you, I saw one, someone putting it on their kid with like a glue stick of it.

I kind of like that. I kind of like anything where I don't have to put it on my hands. But you have to rub it in regardless. Yeah. Even with the spray. Even with the spray you have to rub it in? Oh. I was picturing kind of like, you know, like a Pam, you know?

Just greasing up a sheet. So it's going to burn? Yeah. Or cover. I mean, that's the other thing. It's just. You'll forget. Like, even if I cover. I mean, that's the other thing. It's just, you'll forget. Like, even if I cover, my hands and my feet will get burnt.

Yeah. Even your glasses are see-through. They're not going to stop anything. Yeah. Well, I'd hate to have those tan lines. Yeah. And it's just like, after you get a sunburn, it's super like, or if you put sunscreen on and you just get a tiny little sunburn in one spot, people still come up to you and

say, oh, you should have worn sunscreen. Got Baz Luhrmann telling me to wear sunscreen. And he's terrible at making movies. The, uh, uh, yeah, I'm, I, I hate sunscreen. And I don't mind being sunburned see i do i have sunburns bum me out i have and there's maybe five days a year where i would wear sunscreen anyway right where i'm like at a beach or at a baseball park or something yeah like what is the amount of time that you can, that people say that you can just be out there without it?

Personally, two minutes. That sounds about right. Yeah. That's about the time I was thinking. I just hop from shade to shade. That's my whole summertime activity. Like I don't, like when I just see somebody like walking down the street, I'm like, what are you doing? Why are you doing this to yourself but yeah sunscreen gross yeah no i'm done with it i'm not gonna support it anymore are you gonna put it on your children yeah so

you'll still get it on your hands i mean you know what for them it's worth it or you could just put on you could put on some latex gloves before you do them. That's true. Then give them a complex. Why won't daddy touch me? Daddy was a sandwich artist. Oh, you get those clear plastic ones? Yeah, the clear plastic subway gloves.

Oh, yeah. What if your doctor put those on? I mean, everyone's the worst about it too like people will like if you get a sunburn people will say oh you should have worn sunscreen no shit i know about sunscreen i also uh the thing that i've always hated the most like especially when i was a kid but now as an adult if it ever happens i get so bummed out while it's happening, is getting your back done by somebody else. That is, like, even if it's somebody that you love, you're like, this is awful. This is just awful.

Like, having, it's like, I admit, I can't do it myself. And here I am. I don't know if you're doing a halfway decent job. I don't know your application process. Oh, I hate it. Just thinking about it, like seizes me up.

Yeah. And you don't know what new moles you have back there. Oh boy. Probably a lot. Graham and I, every week we do a new mole check because we're friends. We trust each other. Yeah.

Yeah. But we don't do, we don't do the sunscreen. Yeah. Because, uh, you know, that's a bridge too far. Yeah, yeah, but we don't do the sunscreen. Yeah, because, you know. That's a bridge too far. Yeah, we look at last week's pic. I have 52 weeks of pictures of Graham's back.

Then we pick out the best 12 and we make a calendar. Mole boys. Yeah. That's my stripper character. Guy getting his body checked for moles. He just stands in the center. Does this look weird to you? Is this a skin tag or what? I feel like pop a collar was also very good. Yeah.

Yeah. Pop a collar. Pop a collar works too. Actually, papa color is what you should do to avoid getting your son, your next son. There we go. That could be your character. Wait, are you saying pop-a or papa? I was saying pop of color.

Oh. Oh, pop of color. I thought it was papa color. Like, like you're a daddy, like. Papa color. Hey, like. Like a. Oh, a papa. Yeah papa yeah sure like papa smurf yeah i mean it's like they're all great so much you could play i could write a real great rap cypher that's what i wanted to do um do you sunscreen yes yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Yes. I burn very easily.

Me too. But. Before I can even get the sunscreen out. Yeah. I can already feel myself tingling. Yeah. My family's Italian and they all don't burn. Mm-hmm.

Um. Portoli. Portoli. So now I don't know what happened to me. Ah, yeah. But. So I have this expectation that I never live up to. I'd love to get a tan. I always say live up to. I'd love to get a tan.

I always say, this is the year I'm going to get a tan. Have you tried spraying one on? Yeah, I just got, I just got a mousse. A mousse? Oh, mousse. Yeah. From Riverdale? From Riverdale?

What, what, is that a spray and rub? Yeah, it's a. Or the cream. Squirt? So is that a spray and rub? Yeah. It's a squirt. You squirt it onto a glove and then you rub yourself with a glove. So I'm going to see how that is. That's a step in the right direction. You're going to see how it is. Could you not see right away?

I haven't done it yet. Oh, okay. You got it, but you haven't done it. Yeah, I've got it, but it's not time yet. Now it's time. Yeah, yeah. It's really ran up on us. That's not a saying. Yeah, this isn't really ran up on us. Now it's time. Yeah, yeah. It's really ran up on us. That's not a saying.

Yeah, this season really ran up on us. Ran up on us. Yeah. That checks. Really good. Yeah. Snuck. It snuck up on us.

Snuck. There we go. Now, in my neighborhood, a lot of men wear very flowing garments in the summer. And I don't think I can pull them off, but boy do they look comfortable. Graham, your neighborhood is? Largely Indian or Pakistani.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I wasn't talking about ethnicity here. Pretty good. Who's the racist? Flowing garment Indians. But the men will wear like full like pants and like sleeved shirts but they're not not a bead of sweat on them and it's like just like a flowy cotton garment why haven't we as white people appropriated that right Try it. Why can't we take something that will be useful?

Why do we always end up taking some music style? Yeah, exactly. Why do we have to take slang? Why can't we take robes? Yeah, flowing robes. What about linen? Do you have any linens? I tried linen one year,

and the thing about linen is if you sit in it, it automatically looks like a crumpled tissue paper. But you've got to lean into that. You've got to be just the wrinkly guy? Yeah. The rich man wrinkle. That is a look, like washi tape. What's washi tape? It's like a type of thin tape that has like a crease to it.

It looks crinkly. Oh, okay. It's a decorative tape a lot of the time. Okay, all right. Be that kind of tape. Yeah, be the tape you want to see in the world. Yeah, maybe a linen. Is linen, does it breathe?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, breathe. Yeah, okay. But you can sweat right, does it breathe? Oh, yeah. Yeah, breathe. Yeah, okay. But you can sweat right through it real easy. Oh, yeah? So you got to be careful. And it's, but moths won't eat it. Moths don't like linen.

Oh, man. And dries really quick too. So even if you get sweaty, once you're up and about again, you'll dry off in a second. Why don't you just wear like a Nike dry fit? Oh, boy. Because I feel. Linen suit. a Nike dry fit? Oh, boy. Because I feel. Linen suit. Do they make those?

Yeah, yeah. They make. It's like a linen rayon. Yeah. Sweat suit. But also like fancy man suit. Yeah, yeah. It's like a fancy man suit with like cool stripes.

Who would be in the marketing campaign for that as the model oh yeah who is that'd be Michael Jordan he kind of will wear anything

yeah he's got like a real questionable look cause like he's he always wore the crazy jeans

that was I remember there was a blog of Michael Jordan wearing like insane beaded jeans. Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah. Like he really went

through a phase. I think maybe around the time he was getting a divorce so he's like I'm gonna wear those jeans. Those jeans you never let me wear them, Yvette. I don't know if Yvette is his current wife or past wife. It was a clue in the crossword puzzle. So yeah, that's me.

I'm done with sunscreen. Fair enough. Except for, you know, I might wear it. If it's like a guaranteed burn thing. Yeah. But otherwise, I'm taking my chances. I applaud your initiative. Good luck to you.

Thanks. I just don't like getting sand sticks to it. Yeah. Everything sticks to it. You're right. Your hands feel dirty the rest of the day, no matter what you do. And I like a clean hand. There, I said it.

That's what I know about you. You should wear my moose gloves for applying tan moose to myself. What's up with you, Graham? Well, a few weeks ago on the podcast, we talked about how I was going up to Prince George, B.C. And I was part of the debaters. And we like to tease that you're going to a small town weeks in advance. And it was one of the things I was doing because I was debating manicures and pedicures. And so I told the debaters I would go go i would get a pedicure like manicure

done in prince george in prince george and so like i kind of gave the the place that i went like a shout out during the debate and i got my toes done and i kicked off my shoes at the end of the debate and everybody saw my fancy nails uh but yeah i went and got a pedicure have you ever oh yeah of course she has they're great she's the sister of the bride oh yeah that's true yeah it's a way to just let all those my toes even melt away what uh was the name of this place it was called uh it was a really weird name i think it references something it was something they always do it was charlie's girl oh so that references usually they reference like you know something nail related yeah that's what i was expecting but it was if you maybe want a pop of

color pop of color it was a uh like a hair salon in the front uh party in the back there was one in victoria that was called it was like manscapers or it was like or metrosexual it was like they they they heard that men are getting this done now right and they were like no subtleties yeah we'll get some sports Illustrateds in here. We'll play, I don't know. What's the type of music that men like? Oh, I don't know. I can't figure men out.

Don't even try. So I got the last available appointment and went in there. And there's only two chairs. You sit in a very fancy massage-y chair. And right away, I turned off the massage thing. It was just digging right into my... It just felt like it was pushed like somebody doing this kind of to my lungs. Chopping? Yeah, it's just kind of

chopping me so i turned the chance the chair was strong enough for a man but made for a woman it's possible um and there was only only one other chair and it was a guy it was another guy oh cool and it was a guy with a big bushy beard like you yeah everybody was like uh you know 60 year old guy and he was talking like he gets pedicures all the time about the importance of taking care of your feet and all this stuff and i was like uh okay okay knock it off yeah i'm doing this for laughs did it in the end did he turn to you and go graham this is graham from the future, it did feel like. We live here now. We live here now. You really like getting this done.

Here's your wife, Barb. Good for you. Yeah. Anyways, it's not, I don't, I didn't not enjoy it, but I still can't get past the fact that there's a human being having to touch my feet. Right. You didn't do hands as well? I did, but she just did like a real quick kind of, like the whole thing is the pedicure. The manicure takes like no time at all.

What do they do to your fingernails? They buff them? They buff them. They clip them? They clip them. They buff them. They cut the cuticle. Cuticle. buff them they buff them they clip them they buff and they cut the cuticle cuticle

christy's like really like split up i got thick cuticles so i like to get right well you're italian and then they uh they'll like they massage your hand kind of like put a whatever some sort of hemp something on my hand whoa brother uh and then uh but yeah the whole time your feet are in this bath right getting the jet and then uh then like that sounds like a bread butt thing i give him the jets how he talks yeah but it was uh uh like yeah it's just the hands i wasn't as uncomfortable with because i'm like i shake people's hands hands are everywhere hands across america but uh the feet thing it was i i found it and and also i ended up talking to you know it was like way longer than i thought it was going to be i thought it was like a 30 minute in and out.

It's like two hours. What? Brother. Yeah. How long are your petties? Not that long. Maybe this lady was, I don't know. Was just the pedicure two hours?

No, no. Manny and petty. Oh, that's still long. Still long, right? Maybe you have problem toes. No, she said good. Maybe you're making her laugh. Well, we really went through her whole biography.

Tell me about her. Well, she just picked this up. She was studying to be a social worker. Too sad. Yeah, it was. It was too heavy. She was doing some practicum stuff, and she was like, I don't know if I can do this for a living. So she wants to foster children, but she doesn't want to do it for a job.

And so she volunteers a lot. But then she found this and she loves it. Regular hours. She can go up to her friend's cabin on the weekend. Don't tell her friend. I stole her credit card. And then, yeah, she um it was yeah i still found it i just like i was like i know i'm gonna feel like this is odd the whole time felt like it was odd

so when you they did your fingers yeah they do a clear coat or anything no no no coat on the fingers just a buff just a real nice and shiny then, because I didn't want the reveal to be that I had, because it wasn't until the very end that I had just today. So the toes, I got the paint and everything. What color? Like a real Barbie pink. Nice. Like a real nice.

And you know what? That part of it, I would get my toes painted, or toenails painted all the time. It makes you look more professional in the shower. What do you do for a living in the shower? I take half of my meetings in the shower. Do you still have them on? Yeah, yeah.

Look down when you're in the shower. Look at your toes. And then just you feel, at least I feel, You still have them on? Yeah, yeah. Look down when you're in the shower. Look at your toes. Look down. Yeah. And then just, you feel, at least I feel, I feel a bit more like, okay, I can figure in and out. Yeah, yeah. Like, but. There's some sort of order. What if you look down and you realize you're wearing a toe ring?

Then what does that tell you? It's 1995. They must be back in style now. Oh, I hope so. I assume with all the 90s stuff that's back, it's got toe rings and maybe like an ankle ring. Our guest is wearing overalls. Yeah, that's true. I am.

And I get a lot of compliments on this. Yeah. I think just because it's different. They're a lot of fun. They're very Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Thank you. From Wild at Heart. I don't Thank you. From Wild at Heart? I don't know.

What was Wild at Heart? Wasn't that like his first movie as not a boy, but a young man? Oh. And so was this a movie that a lot of ladies went to and were like, what's happening? In elementary school, all these girls found this old toaster and they taped pictures in this movie all these girls found a magical toaster and john oh pops jtt they put in some sexy toast, some sexy bread, some magic bread. Some rye.

So what about this toaster that your school chums found? They just taped magazine cutouts of JTT onto the toaster, all around the toaster. And that was around the time of, of oh maybe it was Brave at Heart or Wild at Heart yeah okay I don't know but that's when he was like hot

right for teens right not just cute he was hot yeah he turned hot but what

I'm still lost on what was going on with this toaster I think they they just found it but like did they ever make toast with it

because no it would be a fire hazard yeah yeah it was outside it would be a fire hazard yeah yeah it was outside it was an outdoor toaster yeah it was by the school and so you would just walk by and see the jtt toast yeah it was very strange and like the janitor was given specific orders do not throw this toaster that's just sitting out back to school the girls love this toaster and it's keeping them

off of drugs. Yeah. I really, it's so, like, it makes no sense. Yeah. Like,

we found a toaster. I got this magazine. You know what happens. Yeah. You know what's coming. We'll kick that bad boy up and put it in the woods. Yeah.

Well, I mean, some people put porn in the woods. This is kind of porn for a teenage girl. Well, nowadays people put hard drives full of porn in the woods. You want one of those thumb drives in the woods. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Do we want to move on to overheard? Yeah.

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We Got This. Your better self is right around the corner. Namaste. pacific on maximum five five we got this your better self is right around the corner namaste overheard overheard it's a segment in which we hear things out there and then we talk about them here and we always like to start with the gas oh thank you yeah yeah hey you're welcome i was on the sky train last night and uh And these two old men both had very greasy looking hair that looked wet. And then I realized, it was a very dry day, and I realized they just put a lot of gel in. Oh, yeah. To the point where the dry hair was gray, but the wet hair was brown.

So they had an ombre type look that they had then combed into sections it was very strange but they both had the same do um and this guy one of them said oh yeah right by the black angus foodie goodie that was a decent restaurant but now they're serving dog meat. Oh. Foodie Goody. I remember Foodie Goody. I've never heard of Foodie Goody. Yeah, yeah. Well, now they're serving dog meat.

Well, I feel like Foodie Goody. They probably were back in the day. I thought he meant like the Black Angus where their slogan is Foodie Goody. No, Foodie Goody was like a Chinese, it was like a super cheap buffet that is racist oh that makes sense for them yeah yeah so they were uh they were oh that dog meat statement's racist but also calling it foodie good oh yeah yeah believe me this was i knew it right away because i was like oh that was a calgary staple. Ooty-gooty. Oh.

When he got up to leave, when one of them got up to leave, one went, all right, bye. And then the other guy went, yeah, if you hear it's meatloaf, then it's turkey cutlets. And he left. Oh, wow. The Skytrain. I don't know what that is. He's meat gossip. Yeah.

Yeah. He's just like, gossip grill. Oh, yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's just like, Gossip Grill. Oh, yeah. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real fun. Once in a while, we get one. Quite often, I'm listening back to these,

and I'm like, that would have been a funny thing to say. Dave, do you have one over there? I have two, because one doesn't really count one is I was watching

I was at home with my child as Abby was working yeah and I was watching

live with Kelly and her new co-host Ryan Seacrest yeah oh yeah it's a thing

they could have picked Anyone in the world But they picked someone Devoid of personality Who's just a great host Yeah Open smile I was wondering

What was gonna If she was just gonna be Kelly forever Solo forever Cause it wasn't It wasn't hurting the show They were getting It was weird like

I mean they would get Jerry O'Connell a lot. Yeah. And then it was weird. They had like four weeks of life with Kelly and John Leguizamo. Oh, yeah. Like, you're not into the same things. But for a guy like Ryan Seacrest, like, he's just going to kind of perpetually just move from that type of gig to that type of gig for the next kind of 40 years or whatever. But he can do, I guess Michael Strahan was doing it.

And so was Regis. Yeah. Of just like, and Kelly. It's a pretty low impact job to host the morning show because Michael Strahan would then go do NFL stuff and good morning America stuff. Regis would do millionaire and whatever else. And, uh, uh,

they'll have time for his wife. Joy. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, whoever else. Oh yeah.

Seacrest can still do American idol. If that's still a show. Yeah. It's coming back with, did it, was it cancelled? I don't know. Something can't be cancelled for six months.

Anyway. Yeah. So it was a weird episode because their number one guest, it's a pretty popular show. Usually they would get like, you know, a famous person. This, like, no offense, but when your number one guest is Jeffrey Tambrey tambor that's not exactly you know i don't know because he's on the uh you know transparent yeah no he's great and they just announced the rest of development season that that everyone is craving uh but you know he's a

great second guest but first guest gets two or three segments so but the first thing he comes out and you go on live with kelly and ryan you have to go through the audience and give everyone high fives and like take selfies with people as you make your way to the stage uh but he came out it was fist bumping. And like saying out loud, fist, fist, fist, fist, fist. And the first thing Ryan Seacrest says after he sits down is, so great to have you here. We were talking about all your great roles, but what I loved you as was the guy on the subway in Ghost.

And Jeffrey Tambor says, that was Vincent Schiavelli. He's dead. And, I mean, no disrespect to Vincent. What was his name? Schiavelli. Schiavelli. Fairly rough looking. Yeah.

He's like Jeffrey Tambor, maybe on a bender. or maybe on a bender. Yeah. When you were saying, like, when you were kind of hinting it wasn't going to be an A-list guest, in my head, I thought, please welcome the baby who smokes. Yeah, that was it.

Smoking baby. Got the cash me outside, girl. Smiling baby Got the cash me outside girl Man did she have The fastest rise and fall Fall? No Didn't wasn't there a video

Of her and her mom In a fist fight I guess maybe that's just That's the rise Yeah So my real overheard Is from I was at a

Vietnamese restaurant They make a Delicious soup Mmhmm Believable is from, I was at a Vietnamese restaurant. They make a delicious soup. Unbelievable. And it's foodie goodie. From toe to tail.

So there's a couple of white people sitting at the table next to us and they both got their soups and the girl looks in her bowl and says, what's this? And he says, that's tendon. And they're kind of trying to figure it out. What? And he says, it's the stuff between bones.

And then she looks at it again and she looks at his and she says, but you got it too. And he says, yeah, but I got it on purpose. You accidentally ordered tendon. And then that'll be the theme. That's probably the theme of the whole date is just like, you know, she's going to just order whatever he's getting. She's going to hate that pistachio ice cream they get later. Is a bad ice cream i've never had pistachio ice cream would it have would it have the nuts in it or would it be just the flavor i think it's just the flavor but i feel like that was one it's been around for a long time pistachio like it's not like a new it's not

like guacamole flavor or whatever i don't know am i wrong i don't like new flavors it's not like guacamole flavor or whatever. I don't know. Am I wrong? I don't like new flavor. It's an expensive nut. Yeah. So I don't know how popular it would have been in the past. I don't know. I feel like it's an old timey ice cream pistachio. Oh, I know nothing.

So, yeah. I mean, at the place, if you go to like the cool ice cream places, there's always, I want to give you something gross. Yeah. I want you to have like a, you know, vinegar. Yeah. Yeah. Tarragon. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is like, I don't know. You want to taste it just to be like, oh yeah, that does taste like that. You don't want to hold. Well done. Well done. Ice cream scientist. Now give me, you know, cookies and cream. Greg. Yeah. Do cookies and cream. Greg?

Yeah? Do you have an overheard? It's kind of an overseen. It was a late bus ride. And a lady got on. A lady gawged on? A lady gawged on. A lady gawged on.

She didn't have a pass. you didn't have any money but she had a a comically large bag of mcdonald's like i don't know if they have different sizes of bags behind the counter like oh you're getting uh six burgers all yourself we'll put that oh yeah yeah they do giant bag so she was getting on the bus and she just had this giant bag of mcdonald's and she's like i didn't have any money and the bus driver she just had this giant bag of mcdonald's and she's like i didn't have any money and the bus driver was like i don't care just get up and then she's like just get on yeah just get on and then she's like thanks and then she pulls a burger out and gives it to him and he's like uh no no thank you and she just puts it in his hand and then he's like i don't

i don't eat meat and then she just walks on and sits down and he's just sitting there, ma'am. Ma'am. I don't eat meat. I don't eat meat. Ma'am. And then we I was like, just take it in stride, man. Yeah, like stop. She's not coming

back. The bus has to go. She's past the accordion. Yeah, so that was my... She's not operating on the same plane as you. Yeah. She spent every last cent she had on so many burgers.

Too many burgers for her to eat. Yeah. We went to McDonald's the other day, because we were going to the beach, and it was... We had to be there by 10. We didn't have to be there by 10, but everyone was meeting there at 10, and we were like, oh, well, we didn't have time to eat breakfast. Let's get some McDonald's breakfast. I was so mad at myself. I forgot McGriddles existed. Could have gone McGriddles.

So a McGriddle is, because I don't think I've ever had a McGriddle. It's like an Egg McMuffin. Right. But instead of the muffin, it's two pancakes that are infused with maple syrup. Whoa. And there's cheese on there too, which is, in no world do pancakes and cheese go together. No.

But in this world, they do. Yes, please. It's like, yeah, when I was a kid, I thought like the best thing in the world would be to be able to go into McDonald's and just buy like 20 hamburgers. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that would be living like a cake.

And fries for all of them. Yeah. Yeah. Fries for each. Yeah. A week or two ago, I talked about how I got that Big Mac sauce. Mm-hmm. And I've since used it on a homemade burger.

Not great. Oh. I know. It's like one time. It really sticks to your mouth. The sauce? Yeah. Yeah.

Like more so than it would at a McDonald's burger. Yeah. Like I. English. When they first, like years and years ago, they came out with the Swiss Chalet, like you can make it at home. Oh, yeah. And it was not good. You need to have it in the restaurant.

I think they did it on purpose where they're like, we're not giving away the top sauce. Well, it's weird. We don't have red lobster here. Well, oh yeah. No, we don't have it here. We have it in Calgary. But there's a, um, uh, red lobster is famous for these, uh, cheese rolls. Oh yeah.

It's like the bread that they serve before they bring you your food. And you can buy the, like make them at home version right they must not be as good as the real version yeah for sure they're not as good they need the grease of the pans yeah or something yeah exactly they also need to be you know yeah just infused with years of red lobster yeah life into these roles. Now, we also have overheards that are sent in via email. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. Guys, I really like talking about food with you.

Yeah, it's fun. It's lovely. You don't pay attention to what you eat, though. That's how you end up with all those bags under your eyes. But that's why I know so much about McDonald's. You know what I would do? What's your go-to order? Two cheeseburgers, medium

fries, and a root beer. They use barks there. Nice. Got that bite. Yeah. Chomp, chomp. The thing that McDonald's does that I don't think any other fast food place does, I may be wrong, is those tiny little onions. How do you make them so small? Those tiny little onions.

The diced onions? Yeah, that little, but they're so small. They dice them. Yeah, I know, but they dice and they must use a special. They pop a whole onion in, I bet. And it's just a machine. I need to have those layers which make them like, half the dicing is done for you.

Yeah, no, I know. But like, even when I dice at home, like. You don't dice at home. No, you're right. I farm it out. I get all my dicing done overseas. Now, this first one is sent in from Will R. in, uh, how do you

say it? Raleigh, North Carolina? Raleigh? Raleigh, North Carolina. At a Barnes and Noble. Not a Barnes and Noble. How do you say it? Barnes and Noble in Raleigh, North Carolina at a Barnes and Noble. Not a Barnes and Noble. How do you say it? Barnes and Noble in Raleigh, North Coraluna. A Barnes and Noble when I saw a

lanky, blonde family of four teens and tweens and their mom with short matching haircuts coming out of the store. So that's a real display you're seeing. My weird meter was already going off when the mom said in a strange, possibly Canadian accent, I got that recording of Oh Canada You Wanted.

What recording could that possibly be? For a book report or something? A book. I read the book, the National Anthem of Canada. Yeah, it's a weird. Wow, that's weird. Because, I mean, like, with the American National Anthem, you're like, oh, yeah, that Jimi Hendrix recording. But there's no Canadian.

Oh, I mean, the best Canadian. Canadian. Oh, I mean, the best Canadian. I mean, the most famous Canadian versions of the most famous versions of O Canada are the bloopers. Yeah, where that guy from Vegas. The one guy who thought it was to the tune of O Tannenbaum.

Oh, really? Yeah. Or the woman who came out and slipped on the ice. Oh, yeah. That might have been the US national. Or Burton Cummings who did a little like came out and slipped on the ice oh yeah that might have been the national u.s national or burton cummings who who uh did a little like something wrong in the middle forget what it was um yeah you're right there's no like i don't know we're a young country yet only 150 or something i don't know what that number is from confederation yeah this

episode comes out a week or two before canada's 150th anniversary we just got a grant for saying that uh and uh that's yeah 1867 confederation yeah yeah so but everybody wasn't on board at that point because there were people who came in we were were later. BC was later. BC was later. I feel like it wasn't Nova Scotia or PEI or something came in way later. Oh yeah, Newfoundland was the later. Yeah, but they came in like what? The 50s? 60s? 40s?

Whoa, really? Yeah. Like way, way later. I don't know what they were doing in the meantime. Were they just part of England? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, weird. Anyways. Lazy. Yeah, come on.

This next one comes from William B. I was at the airport the other day waiting in line. And next to me were a dad and his son, who was about five or six years old. The son was relaying to his father a cooking show he had seen the kid said and then they put butter on it and flour on the chicken and the dad says mmm butter everything tastes better with butter the kid says no it doesn't carrots don't taste better with butter chair doesn't taste better with butter he's wrong he delicious with butter. Yeah, I think a kid's thinking of raw carrots. And raw chair.

Yeah. Chair tastes fine with butter. Yeah, you got to slow cook it, though. Dad, chair doesn't taste... I mean, butter is so great. It can be used in sweet, in savory. Yeah. You ever get McNuggets and just dip them in butter?

No. No, me neither. No, you... That's gross. Don't you have a You ever get McNuggets and just dip them in butter? No. No, me neither. No, you. That's gross. Don't you have a go-to McNugget? No. No, who is that? Who had their go-to McNugget sauce or pattern that they went with?

Who was that? Was it Erin? Erin who? Reed? No, it was a female. It was a female. We were having a similar junk food conversation. Yeah, but it wasn't you.

And she gets the McChicken sauce. Chicken sauce. That woman we can't remember who was on our show, whose name I'll look it up. Finally, do you go in for the McNuggets? Or just always cheeseburger fries? Always pretty much the same thing. Sometimes I get a large fries. I don't stray.

What about you? What do you get? Well, I haven't. Yeah, I'm a veg. They don't have anything there for me. So what about the fries? Uh, yeah, I guess I could have the fries, but I just haven't been there. Or like, I'll just go to a place that has a veggie burger.

Jenny Taves. Jenny Taves, right. Jenny Taves is our McNugget. McNugget correspondent. Mistress. Did you guys see the McDonald's ad from England that was pulled immediately? It was like you can see what they were going for with it, but boy, oh boy, did they. I haven't even heard of

it it was it was a ad for mcdonald's it was like a big long minute long ad and it was about this kid who was you can see him at the beginning he's like going through stuff on a bed and then he asked his mom like tell me tell me about what dad was like and so then they walk they're walking you know to mcdonald's and she's explaining kind of who this guy's dad was and he's nothing like the dad you know she did is nothing like yeah the kid like she's like he was a great soccer player and then like somebody kicks a ball at him and he can't like uh do it and you know he was a good ladies man he looks at girls he gives him a dirty look so he's just like he he's such a he's nothing like his dad and then he gets a filet-o-fish and then he eats it just like his dad or something anyways it was like maybe you don't want to center a whole campaign on this kid's dead dad yeah oh yeah it was such a downer

like it wasn't like at the end like oh like things are gonna be all right it's like oh this kid eats a fish sandwich like his daddy yeah who's gonna provide fish sandwiches for this kid from here on out it was very sad was the mother looked like she could you know take care of him yeah yeah being a single parent is not easy no no and that's what i mean it was yeah if anything i was stressed after the ad. I was like, is this the only thing they're eating all day? Yeah, well, she's going to get on the bus, get on a double-decker bus, and she pays with a filet-o-fish.

Also, in England, they're advertising the filet-o-fish. Yeah. That was sort of glossed over here that was kind of like the weird punchline of the whole thing is like oh and by the way this is for our least popular the food that's on sale on friday for the catholics but just you can sit, like, in the advertising room, like,

ah, they stuck us with the Filet-O-Fish account. Well, you know what? I'm gonna fuck this up in style. Yeah. Uh,

this last one comes from Mika H. Uh, so, uh, hi guys. The, uh,

senior VP of operations for my company recently flew into town to attend meetings with myself and our client over a couple of days. This is in San Francisco. Whoa, Mika, you're pretty high up if the VP's talking to you. Absolutely. Congrats on climbing that ladder. After we were finished with our first day, I offered to drive my VP to his hotel for the night. We were having a rather serious discussion as we got in my vehicle, and I started the engine. The Bluetooth on the car stereo prompted by my phone continued playing a podcast.

Spy, episode number 475 with Ebony Rosen, which was still open in the background from my morning commute. So as I went to put the car in gear, we overheard Dave Shumka ask, Who's the big swinging dick this year? It's Mike Trout, we found out. I turned red with embarrassment. I hit the power button. My VP looked at me for a second

and just said, Fucking California. Before a continuing discussion. so there you go wow yeah nearly got you demoted but you know what if anything it became a bonding moment yeah between you and your vp i mean i guess that's weird like i just can't imagine this work situation where you know he flies in yeah And then you drive him to his hotel. I don't know. Like if you're chatting, you know, like, I'll just, I'll drive you over.

No, write it off. Guys, no, because you're hoping to get to the hotel and get, hey, well, we might as well go for a drink. And then let's do a massage circle. Let's get the whole company in here. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us. I've got the number for you. It's no secret that the number is this one. It starts with a one.

And you know what? What else starts with a one? Counting. So take a few seconds, absorb that, and I will give you the number when you're ready. The number is 1-844-779-7631. That is one. Ugh.

SpyPod 1, like these people have. God keep our land glorious and free. For he is sin free. Oh, Canada, we stand on guard for thee. That Canadian National Anthem, probably a version you've never heard before. Just really taking it in stride. Oh, well. All right, here are your phone calls.

Hey, guys, this is Alex. I teach at a college in the Bronx and I saw three guys walking and just picked up this part of the conversation. Yo, get a Toyota, because they're built to last. Thanks. I mean, he's not wrong. Yeah.

Yo. Yo is in the name. Very Bronx. Toyota. Yeah. Sometimes you see people have taken the toe and ta off the back of their trucks. Just says yo in the middle. Fun.

They are built to last. Yeah. And you know what? That's a couple smart kids. But also, is he just repeating their slogan? Like, hey, get McDonald's. I'm loving it. Yeah, yeah.

Filet-O-Fish, your dad's dead. Hey, yo, get some Black Angus. Foodie goodie. This completes our callbacks. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Dakota from Atlanta, and I'm going in with an overheard. I work overnight at the grocery store, and last night during one of my longer shifts i was uh unloading some

things from pallets in an aisle and in another aisle i heard an older woman uh kind of just i guess she was happy about something and she just kind of exclaimed uh i love the smell of your grandfather when he's nervous i mean is that the the sequel to perfume get a nervous grandfather i love oh a nervous old man smell yeah i don't even know what what would that smell like i don't know old people don't sweat. Yeah, they pant. That's why they're always wearing like a blanket. Yeah.

You don't need a blanket. You can wear the same clothes multiple days. Old people do a lot of talk. They're doing a lot of talk work. I say talc. Oh, do you? Yeah. Maybe I'll say talc.

Okay. Maybe I'll switch. What's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been saying talc for years. I'm going to say talc. Oh, do you? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll say talc. Okay. Maybe I'll switch. That sums up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been saying talc for years. I'm going to say talc. You do. Yeah.

Do you do talc? Talc. Yeah? Yeah. Do you use it? No, because I hear it gives you cancer. Yeah, exactly. But only if you put it on a body part that can get cancer.

If you put it in your shoes, can you get foot cancer? Yeah, you can get foot cancer. I don't know. I don't know. What are you talking about? Look who's talking. Okay. That's pretty good.

That's as good as grilled or whatever. There's your final word. Hi, Dave and Graham Graham It's Aunt Sheila calling I just informed the father of my children That Chris Cornell had died And his reaction was What? The 50 year old virgin? What does that mean?

He thought Chris Cornell was Steve Carell And 10 years older Although it has been. Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a real dad misunderstanding it and then also getting the name of the guy that he thought it was wrong. It's perfect.

Yeah. Rest in peace, Chris Cornell. Yeah. You know, 52. Too young, I say. But isn't he like the last of the... No, I guess Eddie Vedder's still alive. Last of the grunge lead singers?

Yeah, because it wasn't... What about the guy from Candlebox? I don't know. I guess I forgot about him. Well, who else is there? Somebody from Meat Puppets? Yeah, sure. You know, Mark Lanigan from Screaming Trees.

You're right. There's still a lot. There's still a lot out there. We'll be fine. What about Mudhoney? They were in Tommy Boy. Nope. The one after Tommy Boy.

Black Sheep? Yep. Christine, your thoughts on Grunge? Yeah, Grunge. I know so little. What do you know? Nothing. You must know something.

I think that's when everyone was wearing flannel. Yeah. Okay. There you go. That's what you know. Dirty. Yeah. Well, that's in the name, grunge.

Long hair. Yeah. Tying the flannels around your waist. Yeah. Denim. Just the smells like teen spirit I think you're just now

thinking of Jonathan Taylor Thomas toaster yeah TTTTT my fingers are just pushing up and down boy

yeah flicking the bean on that toaster oh boy we don't talk like that no but sometimes uh Christy yes this brings us to the end of this episode Oh boy We don't talk like that No but Sometimes Christy

Yes This brings us to the end Of this episode I know Thanks so much for the What about like Burger King Do you have an order there

I don't have an order there But I do I do have an order there What's your second favorite Is McDonald's your favorite No I would say Does Do noodles count

Yeah okay As fast food I always take it to go. Where's your fast noodle? Shaolin. Where's that? It's on Canby and Broadway. I get a noodle soup there.

Last time I was there, there was this Tinder date going on next to me. And the guy was trying to convince her to order noodles for the first time. In her life? Yeah, I guess. It was very strange. In her life? Yeah, I guess. It was very strange. And then at one point she pulled back her felt bracelet and showed a rash.

And she's like, oh, my God, look at this thing. I haven't even gone to the doctor yet. Should I go to the doctor and get this checked out? I was like, yeah. And then they got up and left to go get a cheeseburger. And he said, okay okay I'll drive us and she said no I'll take the bus

but there's a clinic right there that's all I can think but aside from that oh it's so good is that what side of the street is that on

it's on what's it next to it's next to is it the one that has like the Guy Fieri is that the one Guy Fieri went to it's down the street

from that one. Oh, okay. Down west of that. And I would say that it's superior. Yeah. What's the Guy Fieri one? Peaceful. Peaceful.

The dim sum's better there. Ah. But the lineups are long because people got that Fieri fever. Yeah, yeah. But if you want to see a good rash date, you want to go to that. Head on down. Where can people, they can see you every tuesday every tuesday 8 30 p.m little mountain gallery it's called little mountain improv perfect where else where else can people find you online if they want to uh twitter at the only borderland instagram too

at the only borderland at the only at the only borderland I'll try to stay active well now you got that gym in your yeah yeah your building you'll be staying

pretty active I have fun um and uh yeah thank you so much for joining us yeah thank you

for having me and uh pleasure yeah pleasure all on this side of the table well there's a lot over here too for joining us. Yeah, thank you for having me. Our pleasure. Yeah, pleasure, all on this side of the table. Well, there's a lot over here too.

All right. It's a mess. It's a real mess. Yeah, it's disgusting. Splishing and splashing around. Well,

obviously, we had these male strippers come in, and I don't think they used good enough towels. This is all lighter fluid. Yeah. We had a guy who came in

who was just a soup character. He just came around in a giant dream. Hey, I'm ladles. Hey, that's based on scoops. And you listeners out there, if you like the show, you should head over

to MaximumFun.org Check out the blog recap Pictures and videos relating to the content Of this podcast Foodie goodie if there's a picture of such a thing Oh absolutely maybe that ad With the dead dad McDonald's dead dad

Do you get it in the Happy Meal Do you get a free dead dad toy Do you get a death certificate A dead dad toy? You get a death certificate. A dead dad toy. A long form. A dead action figure. Yeah. A long form death certificate to prove you died in America.

Or if you want to be ghost president. A long form death. Well, boy oh boy. I mean, wish this show could just keep going. That's it. The end. Bye. Yep. And if you like the show, please do tell your friends to come on back next week for boy oh boy I mean wish this show could just keep going that's it the end bye yep

and if you like the show please do tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.