Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 485 - Mark Forward

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

Comedian and actor Mark Forward returns to talk Fargo, fidget spinning, and small town gay bars.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 485 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. And with me as always is a man who, if you have to estimate a flying time anywhere in the continental United States, he's the man, Mr. Dave Shumka.

We were doing Canada. Yeah, but Canada to the States. Yeah. Dave, what do you think, how far, like Vancouver to Boston,ave what do you think how far like uh vancouver to boston how long do you think oh that's gotta be uh i don't know 5 45 5 45 okay all right all right everybody to their phones um we're no we're gonna wait for it 5 45 our guest is uh doing due diligence um which we very much appreciate are we there yet six hours and 55 minutes oh boy that's a long flight yeah seems wrong maybe yeah i don't know. Well, thanks for listening, everyone. Yeah, this sucks. Hi, everybody.

Our guest today, return guest to the podcast, very funny comedian. You can see him this season on the FX show Fargo. It's Mr. Mark Forward. Hi, guys. Hello. It's been so long. How long? It has been so long. Three years, I think.

About that. Yeah. But I had a baby last time. You did have the woman. She's not three yet, so think. About that. Yeah. But I had a baby last time. So she's not three yet. So close, though. Coming up. Yeah.

She's about six hours and 55 minutes. So what did I do wrong last time? Oh, I just don't think so. It was almost a thousand days till I got to come back. Have you been back to the city? Yeah. You also held, you did that photo where you held up a decapitated head of the president. And we were like

let's we gotta distance ourselves from this controversy so this episode will be released in uh over a month yeah because you're you're going away for the summer i'm going to the fringes so we're referencing a news story from back when kathy griffin was you know yeah oh no did she die yeah she died in the meantime oh no goodbye you were on the d-list and something maybe the apprentice what was the show where you weren't on news radio that was the other redhead you did didn't stand on side, Phil. Oh, man, you could rewrite that for every celebrity. Now what if she is dead? Then we're Nostradami.

Or worse than a coma. Oh, yeah, then, oh, boy, then it's a real, should we edit it out? Or leave it in and, you know, all's fair, right? Or like she's a quadriplegic okay okay what if she just has the bends oh like she went diving i mean there's a lot of things that could happen to kathy griffin in the next month but yeah but everyone would feel bad if she was a quadriplegic because like she can no longer hold up President's head. Oh, that's true. I only heard about this.

I didn't see it. Oh, it's so gross. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's very graphic-y. That's a really dumb decision that I can't believe a room full of people did. One person. I know there was probably one guy. Well, it had to be the guy taking the photo.

Chad in the corner that's trying to pipe in. It was made... Explain what this is to me. Was it a video or a photo? Well corner that's trying to pipe in it was made um explain what this is to me was it a video a photo well let's get to know us get to know us all right now uh it's it's a photo of her in a nice uh sunday blue dress And she's holding up a very like Life like Bloody Decapitated Donald Trump Very bloody

It's a photo Yeah And What makes you say there was a room full of people Who could have talked her out of this Well because There was a There was a filming of the

Photo being made And so I watched that And there was a bunch of people in the room Okay All fussing with it I don't think you Should we put more blood on kathy wants to do what kathy wants you get out of the way right yeah like this is this is kathy made this very dumb decision and we all have to support it uh but the thing that she apologized the next day was the craziest thing yeah is that she was like oh that didn't go over well

didn't see that coming boy you know you're trying to do something nice i mean how do you feel about because i don't know how i feel about it i have no opinion uh i just think it was like either kind of do it or don't do it yeah like if that's gonna be your thing like i'm the decapitation comedian then don't apologize when inevitably right most people are like that's gross don't but now she's taking a lawyer and she's saying she's oh she's taking a lover oh yeah very different yeah yeah yeah but he's a lawyer oh okay yeah that's right. That's right. Did you say she's taken a lawyer? She's taken a lawyer up for, because she's getting death threats now. And she's claiming that the Trump family is trying to destroy her life. Oh.

Oh. But why? She didn't do, oh, wait. She didn't do anything. Oh, right. I mean, okay Okay What family members Would I be okay With Kathy Griffin

Fake decapitating Of your own family I mean my Extended family Oh sure Like how far Would I Like

I don't know Second cousins Would I be okay with that Probably Would I try to destroy her then Well now Now is she Doing this as

That she's mad at you Or is this a fun Halloween card? She's just trying to prove a point. Yeah, I think you'd be miffed. I think you wouldn't watch her on New Year's Eve with her and Anderson Cooper? Is that who does it? Sure. Don't pretend you don't watch.

That was a fake. No, but you watch it every New Year. She doesn't deal with... What's that guy's name oh anderson kluper was it kluper i don't watch it that's what it felt like well there's also a seacrest one yeah a very secret new year's and is he by himself i've again i'm pretending you think it'll flip uh who is with Seacrest? I don't remember. It's a bimbo. Isn't it like, not pink? No, I think it's pink. Is it pink?

Yeah, she's up on the silks. She's doing trapeze work. There's some girl, I can't remember who it is, but he always calls down to her in the crowd. Everything's going down in the crowd. Well, it's the same. Same thing's going down here. People are talking real loud. Check in in 10 minutes, because I think it's going to be the same.

Last year, there was the two big things that happened on New Year's Eve where Jenny McCarthy made out with Donnie Wahlberg. I don't remember. What? For charity. Oh, sure. And Mariah Carey just pretended or just gave up. Oh, yeah. That was really good. That was really good. And Mariah Carey just pretended Or just gave up Oh yeah That was really good

Oh that was really good I could not tell you which broadcast was which You're a flipper You're checking out all the scenes I guess I watched last year But most years I don't I'm partying These are my big party nights

St. Patrick's Day New Year's Eve Cinco de Mayo baby What about Like a Canada Day Halloween Oh boy Scooby

Doo Tuesday Oh boy It's Tuesday somewhere I always say And then I drink Do you go out on A New Year's Eve

No God no Do you Like out on New Year's Eve? No. Do you do a show? No. Oh, so bad. Yeah. No. No. That's not.

I don't understand the people that are upset that they don't have a show on New Year's Eve. That, to me, is a blessing. But that's the old thing with kids. If you give one kid broccoli and the other kid no broccoli, the kid's like, well, broccoli, I want that broccoli. It's not that it's good. I mean, I love broccoli. That's true.

I never thought it was like that. Like, I've done them, but you've probably done them before. New Year's show. I did, starting, yeah, coming up, and the show ending 20 minutes early, and you had to stand on stage for 20 minutes oh boy you can't you can't like leave and come back no what do you do in the 20 minutes they talk to them oh okay they just get more and more loud and throw it down to pink in the crowd obnoxious i'm gonna throw it down to pink hi i'm at table 17 with uh some people from brantford they drove in for the show what

is pink deal she's not a media personnel she's not that kind of uh i feel like that's where she's gonna she's gonna segue like you do ray i think yeah i don't i don't feel like i'm gonna be seeing pink like still going to concert like summer festivals I feel like if she was on a entertainment tonight, I wouldn't be, I'd be like, yep, this is, this is good.

Maybe something edgier than entertainment tonight. Extra. So it's a bad boy of the entertainment. Is there an edgy, I guess TMZ. Yeah. Oh yeah. But she's,

she would still be somebody who would like appear on TMZ yeah oh yeah but she's she would still be somebody who would like appear on TMZ as a yeah as a story Pink she's great

you don't think that she'll become a media darling no I don't think that's look I followed her from the very beginning

absolutely most girls wanna dance with the bling bling with Dick Haynes She was a little bit R&B at the beginning That sounds like a Broadway musical that you were singing Oh god

I was watching The View was on TV this morning Oh yes I can see Pig on The View That's more it Yeah But they showed this This performance of a musical a song from a musical about a woman pilot during 9-11.

Oh, that's a Canadian musical. Well, I apologize for what I'm about to say. It's everything that's wrong with musical theater. It's everything that's wrong with aeronautics. What is this play called uh it's called come from away and it's about all the planes that landed in gander newfoundland during the 9-11 attack okay and so the song it was like because i'm the first woman pilot. And I've got short hair. And piloting was my dream. And here I am on a plane.

Look at me. Vroom, vroom, toot, toot. Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, airplane. And she's on roller skates. Really? No. That sounds horrible. It does sound.

And then they land. And then the people of Oz come out and sing around the plane. And the real pilot it was based on was in the audience. And she's seen the place 68 times. Okay. You survived. You survived. And that's what you're choosing to do with your life, Leighton?

Oh, man. And you know at intermission she is hanging out in the back. Look familiar from anywhere? Well, I grew my hair back. So I might... Do you... You might not recognize me from the song, but I grew it back because it was a bit boyish. If there was a musical about you, would you not go see it every night?

I don't think 68 times. The tickets must be free for her. Oh, yeah, that's true. But seriously, she almost died. No, no. Like, she was, you know what I mean, though? She could have been in the plane that crashed into the building. Sure.

She could have been working that day, that flight. Yeah. And then you got the rest of your life. You would have that thought, right? I should really start doing something with my days. 68 of them she wasted at a play. Well, those are just the nights. I don't know how many matinees there were.

Okay. All right. So, let's say 34 days. Hey, Kathy, you want to come for dinner tonight? What time? Seven. Sorry, curtain rises at seven. You got to be there for my big number.

They should do a musical about the 68 times she went to see the musical about her life. Obsession. I really like that about her. 67 tonight. And all of her songs, there's the songs from the original play going on in the back yeah you can't even it's like you're watching two shows at once um but yeah it was written by a guy some guy in toronto uh like oh he's financed it and uh wow yeah and it's a hit yeah in on broadway i don't understand the world it's uh it's yeah the world's weird i mean didn't like was there what was it saved by the bell the musical did that happen or was gonna happen i think you dreamed it yeah i dreamt that

one but here's one i didn't dream rocky the music right and uh they tried to do a king kong musical and uh and that didn't work because it was the puppet was too uh unwieldy okay yeah and uh they'll do the spider-man one oh yeah i forgot about the spider-man one yeah that was a huge bomb, right? Well, it didn't ever... It's one of those, like, it's never going to tour. Right. Because, like, an elementary school can't do.

There's a lot of aerial work. Yeah. I didn't know that elementary schools can't do them if something's coming through. Well, yeah, there's, like, and, like, anything new new they have an embargo for years oh yeah so like lin-manuel miranda will come knock down some elementary school store hey motherfuckers yeah like you can't do like you can't do like the lion king if the lion king's gonna be coming through in the next you know because some theater goers are like, I just saw some kids do it. I'm not going to spend 80 bucks on this.

Yeah, yeah. I just saw some kids. There was this one kid. He wouldn't stop picking his nose. It was this one giraffe. Yeah, he had a smock on. It was a giraffe. Yeah, he was wearing his dad's T-shirt or backwards to make a baggy shirt and a meter stick

with a potato at the top um when you were youth did you uh were you a theater kid um did i go no no like were you in shows in oh yeah yeah i did plays and stuff and like all through through high school and stuff yeah my first role was in kindergarten i was uh peter cottontail that's pretty um so thank you um are you gonna reprise the role for the anniversary i'm playing it I feel like is Peter Cottontail having like a

hundredth anniversary or something I don't none of that rabbit shit ever appealed to me no Peter Rabbit no Peter Cottontail

no whatever Watership Down is is Peter Cottontail is that Beatrix Potter um

look guys I only worked on this production for like a couple days Peter Cottontail is that Beatrix Potter? Look guys I only worked on this production for like a couple days. That was a day flare. I cut out a hole out of a piece of paper and put it on my face. You know what I mean? A little bit of cotton on my butt.

And then he hopped up the bunny trail. Other than that, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Now I research roles and stuff then i and plus i didn't have the internet then yeah to look up who this peter was yes you just had to take your parents word for it yeah yeah mom dad what is his motive carrots son there has to be more now fast forward to today yeah you play policeman on tv show i play policeman on tv show and i actually he's a lot like my peter cottontail performance

what's your put a piece of paper on your face that said police. Put a whole lot of cotton on your butt. I showed up to Fargo with my own police costume because I'm so green. Hey guys, I'm here to work.

And they're like, um, we take care of the costume. But you, you go on auditions, you must have seen these, uh,

fellows that come in full. Oh yeah. Regalia. They're just so sad. It's, like, I'm like, where did you get that medieval, like, and it's for, I'm reading the same line.

It's one line. But they don't even go to the washroom before and just change into it. They come. Oh yeah. From home. In pantaloons. Well, they can't go to the washroom before. They need to use that energy to act. And they walk in, like, they can't go to the washroom before. They need to use that energy to act. And they walk in like, they walk in like they want the audition room to go, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Here he is. All right. We're going to save a lot of money on costume for this guy. And we can really picture him. The other people were wearing just regular shirts. Yeah. It was hard to imagine them. This guy's in a tunic.

just regular shirts yeah it was hard to imagine them this guy's in a tunic but it's weird when you're sitting in the room and it's like regular person regular person person dressed up like like a settler uh-huh and then regular person you're like you're not gonna get it but at least i didn't try you know right uh what's the weird like what's the weirdest, like, what's the weirdest? I saw a lot of doctors, a lot of, because I think doctors is easy. Yeah, you just beat up a pharmacist on the way there. Yeah. Clipboard, away you go. I'm a doctor. Yeah.

No, it's been so long since I, I, yeah, doctors, lots of doctors. There was a guy came to an audition and they literally, every agency had to send out a mass email saying, uh, do not bring firearms to the audition. Cause he brought an old revolver for, and it was literally one line the lake the lake the lake dance lake i remember one like when i used to audition for uh commercials i went in and it was remember when they were doing the listerine bottle story i keep looking at the numbers i don't know why so no i'm just yeah my i'm getting distracted by the numbers and dave's getting yeah he's looking at the By the numbers he means

The clock that is counting how long this podcast is I think it's going to be over soon though Don't worry about it So it was for like Remember when they had the Listerine bottle guy Yeah Did you get that? No because I walked in and they

For those that don't know what i'm talking about it was like this big giant mouthwash bottle and he was his friend also like a toothbrush friend was a tooth harassing people in a mall yeah they would always come up and go hey what's wrong with you why are you seeing this right now you're not well but i walked in and they were like can you put on that motorcycle helmet so they so you'd put on a motorcycle helmet to look like the listerine bottle i never understood that i guess yeah to see how your face gets squeezed yeah yeah and also they probably just had the one helmet and they're like if you're like, it's not going on. They're like, well, we'll let you grease your head to try. But then that's it.

That's all. Well, they said, can you put that on? And I said, no, I cannot. And I walked out. And they were like, off the list. That was like my first feeling good about myself. Of your life? Yeah.

Like a first, like, you know what? I'm not going to cater. Yeah. I'm not going to put on the hat. Or a helmet. Because I thought about the hat, and I thought, you're putting on a motorcycle helmet in a room. Why are you doing this?

Oh, because you might eventually then do it in a giant Liz Greenpaw costume. And for what? Then you're going to show that to my friends and family? At my funeral, people on the street. You know what I mean? Yeah. Uh,

and I was like, no, I can't. Well, can you do it without? And I go, no, I mean like,

I can't, I gotta get, Oh wow. Yeah. And then was that like, did you get black ball? Yeah. Did your agent get mad at you?

No, not really. What can you say? I don't know. Do you want to make it in this business or not? Because the road to success leads through grown men dressing up as the items we're trying to sell. It is weird that that's still a thing. Yeah. But it's sort of cheeky now. It's still... A thing. Yeah. But it's sort of cheeky now. It's like, we know.

Is it though? Like the guy's dressed up as a cotton owl? Yes, that's what I was thinking. Or like the brawny. Is that what they are? Yeah. I don't know. There's some kind of...

Oh, like a towel? Yeah. Like a paper towel. Because even in the 80s, remember the Fruit of the Loom guys? Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't get it. I was like, I don't, like, I didn't get what fruit, like, the Fruit of the Loom is a play on words.

And I was like, but it's not actually, it's not fruit. It doesn't have any actual. What's it a play on words of? I thought it was a play on fruit of your loins. Isn't that what it's a play on? Oh, because it covers your... What's a loom? A loom is what you make the underwear on.

Weaves fabric. Okay, so I knew that. And the fruit of that loom would be fabric. Yeah, yeah. Which is the fabric of our lives. But, yeah, was there like, were they, because I was, for some reason, just always thought fruit was your junk. I mean, it really sets your mind in a bunch of different directions. It's a good name for a product.

As a child, you'd be confused when they're now talking grapes and apples. But was the apple part, was it eaten? Or am I imagining, am I remembering it wrong? His head came out the top of the apple, but then the stem and the rest of the apple was on top of his head. Like he had popped his head out of an apple. Yeah, like he's a worm. And then was there a banana, but it was just a peel? I only remember the grape. top of his head like he had popped his head out of an apple yeah like yeah he's a worm and then

was there a banana but it was just a peel i don't i only remember the grape the grape the grape was a was a black gentleman yeah and uh that's still a good halloween costume the black gentleman no black gentleman you should not have ever dressed I know that every year some college student tries it. Or some, you know, member of the royal family. I think this is the year. But yeah, it's like one of those weird, I don't, there was like jokes like that or adult things when I was a kid that i was like yeah i'll just let this be a thing i'm not gonna ask about it i'm not gonna investigate yeah i don't know what you would even ask your parents like why is that called that yeah why are there fruits on the

thing because it's called fruit of the loom but why is it called that yeah and then even your parents don't know because this was pre-internet too yeah it wouldn't be in the encyclopedia yeah the kind of thing like i don't know this is this brand's been around since before i was born yeah so you think it's a play on fruit of the loin of your loins that's what i assume it's a long that's a long reach from loins to loom it is very but you know fruit it's just the fruit is you know if it was just if it was called anything like product of the loom, then I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. But again, none of it really connects to underwear. No.

No, yeah, that's true. Like, I don't get. Because like a loom, you think of like, you know, whatever, some kind of organic fabric. Right. That's been woven there. But you don't think of stretchy butt huggers.

And wasn't their slogan, didn't it used to be Fruit of the Loom? Because it fits? I was like, what? That's your claim to fame? Is that your underwear fits? No, here's the thing. We're attacking this whole ad campaign. But we all know

Fruit of the Loom that's true and here we are talking about it yeah a little guerrilla marketing so i guess they did something right maybe people should just make really confusing oh like just like things just like a purposefully yeah juice like coffee i have nothing to back that i was gonna do it and then i realized you were gonna do a don draper like i can do it i'll do it here in the room okay let's come up with the the slogan for coffee coffee well it's wet yeah coffee it's it looks like dirt and then you pour water on it

coffee better with sugar. But it would be like something that isn't even attached to it, right? Like coffee. Sweat of the mountain. Oh, sweat of the mountain. Wait, are we doing Fruit of the Loom or are we doing Because It Fits? Oh, yeah. Because it fits.

Coffee, sweat of the mountain. Because coffee, because it fits would just be hot or, uh, because it's there. Yeah. It fits in your esophagus. Yeah. Burns it though.

Something. Um, was fruit of the loom. Was it a down market underwear or or shirt to have or was there like one that was i don't know i think it's basically the it's it's i got it's like the middle of the market it's not like it's not it's not a calvin klein it's not a calvin klein one box in a in a oh one underwear per box one underwear per box it's like it's a one box in a... Oh, one underwear per box? One underwear per box. It's like, it's a pack.

You get a pack of Fruit of the Loom. Yeah, yeah. But then, like, what was, like, the low, low, like... I think there's probably no name, you know. Oh, yeah. Whatever. Store brand. Kirkland.

Cotton. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dollar store. I had to look it up. And? Fruit of the Loom brand dates back to 1851. Well, that's how people talked back then.

So, of course, the message got perverted over time. Right. Paralyzing the phrase fruit of the womb, meaning children. Did you say paralyzing the phrase? Paralyzing, paralleling. Okay. Children of the earth. Anytime you talk about paralyzing, it makes me thinkzing. Paralleling. Okay. Children of the earth. Anytime you talk about paralyzing, it makes me think of that poor Kathy Griffin.

Sitting there in her robotic wheelchair. Which can be traced back to the Bible. Root of the womb. Root of the womb. Children of the corn. Loom with a view. No, I've never seen that movie. Do they live in the corn um bloom with a view no I've never seen that movie do they live in the corn field?

the children? yeah they come this guy hears a voice to make a baseball field yeah but he's pedophile

so all these kids come out now I think that's the best way I've ever heard the word pedophile with a laugh in the middle so well we don't talk like this on the show so this guy uh okay so wait the voice says if you build it they will come. Yeah. I'm not touching that. Not that voice. I'm not touching that. Yeah, that was the voice.

I'm not touching that. No, that was on the poster. Children of the Corner. I'm not touching that. Children of the Corner. I'm not touching that. Based on the book. Pantsless Joe Jackson.

Because it fits. How was... Can you answer my question honestly do they live in the cornfield i i don't know this movie i only know that yeah the the lead kid's name is malachi that's all i know you don't know the basic plot of children of the corn but you know the kid's name is malachi yeah because we thought it was really funny in elementary school to call each other malachi but had someone seen it yeah somebody had seen it and they call one kid malachi and then we were all like malachi malachi and then years later i was like oh that's from children of the corn oh okay yeah so that's all i know um and they're blonde. Yeah.

Maybe they control people's minds? Maybe they live under the stairs. And maybe there was a Black and White Simpsons thing where they... Oh, no, that's... What is that movie called? It's from the 60s where it's all the blonde kids that control people's minds. Yeah. They're kids too, right? Yeah.

But they don't live in corn. Yeah, they weren't corn kids. You know what? I'll Google what this was. What was the plot of Corn Kids? Well. Go on. Nope, I don't have it again.

I'm no Don Draper today. Corn Kids. They were children that were made out of niblets. Corn nuts, also known as toasted corn. Corn bits, or cuicots, are a snack food made out of roasted deep-fried corn kernels. Oh, there we go. Oh, so there is an actual corn kit.

Yeah. What was I going to ask? Oh, well, you were on a prestigious television show. Yeah, we want to talk about that. Yeah. That's fascinating. Because I love the show. Thanks. I want to talk about that. Yeah. Okay. That's fascinating. Because I love the show. Thanks.

I haven't seen the season yet. All right. We're going to watch it all at once when it's all done. Do you die? I can't say. Yeah, fair enough. But this will be out in a month. Will you be dead in a month?

I can't say. Okay. Because at the time we're talking, I can't say. Right. Right. But I'm cool. What is your character's name? Donnie Mashman. And do you do an

accent? Yeah. Did you have to learn? No. I sort of just realized that it was there and I could do it. Oh yeah, you know, once you do oh yeah, then you're alright. And are you like a police officer that has also a partner or is this a solo?

I work in a police department that's half police department, half public library with Carrie Kuhn, who's from The Leftovers. Oh, yeah. And how do you die? And, uh, I can't say if I do. Um, and then we're the only two cops in that small precinct.

Right. And it's about to be absorbed by a larger district. Right. And this is shot in Albert. Yeah. Calgary. And so how long were you there for? I was in and out from February till May.

Oh. Yeah. And did you get to meet Ewan McGregor? Yeah, I met Ewan many times because, you know, I'm in a show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. But you know how sometimes, like, you'll be on a, you'll never be in a scene.

And Ewan McGregor plays six characters in this one, too. Yeah, odds are that I was going to run into one of them. Now, do you wear squibs in it? Squibs. I'm not telling you. Okay. Yes, I did. He's a very lovely man.

Really nice guy. I imagine so. Yeah. And, like, does he still have a real Scottish-y accent, or is that worn off? No, he's still got that. Nice. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. have a real scottishy accent or is that worn off no he's he's still got that nice yeah cool yeah yeah i always feel bad when when somebody loses their cool accent like who madonna gained one yeah yeah michael cain no he just talks like an american yeah he does yeah michael cain here

for x-lax, because it fits. And it's like, you've worked on other, like, dramatic TV series? No. So is it weird? Is it different? Or is it just like you're just doing the job? I mean, I'm going to sound really cliche there and uh talk showy but the the writing that noah does on that show is like it just it's so easy to he's on a first name basis with noah from the bible but it's just so easy to know exactly what he wants that character to do right so there's not like this kind of stilted because

it is really like the dialogue it's a lot of like a lot of fun to listen yeah there's a lot of saying stuff without saying stuff and right and but you can tell with three words what you were going to say that kind of writing and then he's does it say in the script what you're supposed to say? No. Here's what this means. Now, after what you were going to say. Do you have any scripts I can see? See your dice? Dave really wants to ruin this for himself. Dave, why would you want to ruin it for yourself?

Yeah, you're going to watch the show. I know. I just like to know if people die. Because I'm scared. Yeah, know when to cover your eyes. Would you, like, do you want to do more dramatic-y stuff? I have a script

for you. I think you'd be perfect. You're this down-on-your-luck Listerine bottle. You're down-on-your-luck because you're a pedophile. Go on. I'm just spitballing. No bad ideas. Well, there goes my chance to edit out that one from earlier.

What else goes on in your script? Down on your luck, Listerine man. Yeah, he's a... Pedophile. No. Oh, so you were trying to clean it up but we did get a clean recording of you saying it so i can pedophile pedophile why does mark say pedophile so much in that episode i don't know it's a weird it's a nervous

dick you know michael cain used to say a pedophile yeah yeah yeah now he just says it america's down um yeah more no uh honestly this is how i went into fargo i thought this is it for me this is it yeah like this will be the greatest thing i'll do oh and then i'll just go back to and is that what it looks like um i mean yeah were you right i mean yeah yeah no i i'm doing all right yeah but uh no i just i really went into it thinking that way like this is this is such a cool weird opportunity for a canadian actor then i'll go back to you know other echelons others i don't know man i don't know i think you know because you could be on a lot of shows that nobody was ever gonna watch in canada that's that's very easy to do yeah i've been doing that for 17 years yeah but like you actually like you ended up on a show where like everybody's watching yeah it's like you know if

if you know because you're not you're a you're not a dramatic actor yeah yeah it would be like if i don't know chris lock showed up on uh the handmaid's tale well i'm still hoping i was classically trained if we're gonna well were you if we're going to get into it. I went to theater school. I went to theater in college. Or theater in... Wow, that was a terrible sentence. I went college. Theater.

Theater. Learned talk good. But you know what? We know what you meant. Yeah, I wasn't saying. Like, who's this bozo? It did sound like that. Yeah, I know, but I'm just...

It's like they plucked this idiot out of nowhere. But, like, a lot of people will see it, so there's a good chance something else will. I mean, it's possible, but honestly, that's how I've lived most of my career. Don't have goals. Yeah. And when you do attain things,

just enjoy them while you're doing them, because if you get caught up in, like, what's next, you're not things just enjoy them while you're doing them because if you get caught up in what's next, you're not gonna enjoy it. And I used to be that. I used to be like, okay, well this is gonna lead to this and this is gonna lead to that. And I went into this and I'm like, eh, I'm just gonna enjoy it'll just be whatever it is. I'm gonna enjoy

you know, eating a meal with Ewan McGregor and getting to know him. What did you eat? I had steak. Ah, nice. Yeah, I guess if you're gonna... And that was... So, like, what would your character's last meal be? What do you think about? But, like...

If he lives or dies, I could still answer. Yeah, okay. Although you probably don't know what your last meal in either situation unless you're being executed does your character get convicted of murder and then put on death row can you can you confirm or deny that i cannot really yeah uh see those pictures of people's last meals yes there was a there was a an art project where uh i think it was a woman got like the records of all these prisoners last meals and she like

recreated them on the type of tray they have and took photos of them and uh a lot of uh surprising amount of uh like something something and then a pack of cigarettes. Right. You could ask for... But I was surprised by how much fast food there was. Oh, yeah. Just like... Like a McDonald's. You could pick anything. I just haven't had nuggets in years. No.

Have you ever thought about that? If you were in that situation, what you would... Boy, after being on death row for so long, I mean, they change the milkshakes at McDonald's every five years you're like well they're not it's not gonna be the one i remember also if you ask for whatever it is is it being it i assume it's being made in the cafeteria at the i think they call out for it oh that's pretty nice then oh that is there a limit like a finance i don't know some people get lobster i'm sure oh i thought meant like, can you just like buffet?

Oh, yeah. All you can eat. A loophole. The lethal injector's got to go home in 10 minutes and I'm not done my pudding. And then they look in the rule books. No, he has to finish it or else. It doesn't say anywhere a goat can't play hockey. What?

As a death row inmate, it doesn't say in the rules that this death row inmate can't play hockey. Oh, I mean, it does in the prison rules, but not in our hockey rules. If you can make it out of prison, you can play. Have you ever thought about it, though, what you would eat? That's a great question. The thought of it makes me sick. Well, that's what she said. Like, a lot of people don't order it, and then they don't eat it.

Yeah, I guess you'd just order it to annoy someone. Yeah. Right? Like, pick something obscure. Yeah, a charcuterie plate. Please, something real fancy. Yeah. Served on a stone

You know lots of different meats and cheeses Like that blowfish You know that's hard to cut Hootie? Yeah bring me Hootie Hootie on the blowfish On a plate Hootie's the only one who isn't a blowfish

Medium rare Uh yeah And uh And I want him to just Serenade me As I Fall into death Are you still alive?

Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah You cut a little bit of Hootie You can He can still sing Yeah Okay so What part of Hootie

Do you want to eat? His rump Yeah yeah That would probably be The most delicious part of Hootie Yeah I agree. I mean, like any, like, I'm just thinking of what parts of animals you eat.

And would you call him Hootie? Or would you call him Darius? I'd call him Darius. I'd show him some respect. Yeah. As you eat his asshole. I said butt cheek. My grandmother always ate the asshole of the turkey.

Really? Yeah, she would say, save the anus for me. And it was like, I don't think. That's something you don't need to say. And then you'd fling it at her like an elastic band across the table. There you go, granny. Where is it? Is it attached

or is it in the bag of stuff? I don't know, but I just always remember her eating the anus. What's your first memory? My Granny eating an anus. I only know two things.

I remember three things about her. One, she stunk like perfume and cigarettes. Okay, okay. Yeah. Two, she would eat the anus of the turkey. Three, she'd tell me don't eat the poinsettias.

That's the only thing I remember. And you didn't give a eulogy, did you? No. Glad everybody could come here today. Funny story. Three things I remember about this lady. I'll tell you, this lady lived a long time for the amount of turkey assholes she ate. Now I liked eating poinsettias.

Her or the other ass. So most of your memories of her were around Christmas? I'm taking it. I don't remember any summertime hijinks. Her house was always decorated with a tree. Yeah.

I remember going to her house. Okay, there's four memories. I remember going to her house, and she had a bunch of coasters, like an abnormal amount of coasters, and that was my toy. Oh, you played with some coasters? Yeah, that was all she had for me. played with some coasters yeah that was all she had for me i that's i remember going to my aunt's house and she had superman magnets on her fridge and i played with those i would like distinctly remember being like well i guess this is close to a toy is you know when she died i

they said do you want anything and i took the the coasters. Nice. But that's not really, that was just my alone time with coasters. How old were you? I had no connection with this fucking woman. That's what I think about. How old were you? I think I would have been 13 when she passed. Okay. But yeah, like it's, and she had cancer and she lived in my bed for a long time really

we have five memories but you weren't in the bed with her no they kicked me out of my room so my grandmother could die in it oh wow and then they were like here go play with these coasters well i was home gram i could play with my toys oh that's right this is your house as long as your grandmother's in the building you must believe these are the only toys the only toys you can play with your toys are powerless while she's here it's kind of but it's weird i don't know it seems weird to me that you would have uh grand kids and then not have things around when your grandkids come over? Oh, yeah. No, I guess you're right.

My parents have our old Lego. Yeah, something, right? And maybe some candy or cereal that kids would like. She had coasters. And they weren't even there for me. She didn't go, all these coasters would be great for the kid. Yeah. Terrible thought on its own.

Were they like proper coasters? They were just like cardboard ones. No, they were proper coasters. Some of them were tin and some of them were plastic. Do you still have them? No.

I took her china and her coasters and I left them in the apartment. I moved out of And some of them were plastic. Yeah. Do you still have them? Uh, no. No. I took her china and her coasters and I left them in the apartment I moved out of in college. And then you left a note. Haunted. Take them if you want, but cursed. I remember playing, uh, who's, I don't remember where where this was but i remember playing with those old mcdonald's ashtrays yeah that that i remember being given as like here were they tin yeah a little tin and you could fold them and unfold them yeah they were great yeah a friend of mine

on the last day of high school went into the cafeteria with one of those and blew it up sat down and blew up the school no yeah and smoked a cigarette in the cafeteria with that ashtray wow and just sat there and smoked it

and then he left school forever and did he like did he leave just on his own or was he like booted out no he never was booted out

so nobody even took notice they're like it's last day what are we gonna do I've been seeing a lot of people smoking lately yeah like teens nobody even took notice. They're like, it's the last day. What are we going to do? I've been seeing a lot of people smoking lately. Yeah?

Just like people driving and smoking. I feel like that's probably the last place that you can really enjoy a cigarette is in your own car. Because even on the street, people are giving you dirty looks and you kind of like, now that vaping's on the scene, nobody wants to smell your cigarette. Right.

Everyone wants to smell that cool butter bean smell. Butter bean? That cool turkey anus smell. Turkey anus smell. You have turkey anus? That's my slogan for turkey. That cool butter bean smell. Did either of you guys smoke?

No. Yeah. I did too. Yeah. For seven or eight years, I think. And I still miss it. Yeah. Every day.

Especially when it rains out. I'm like, ugh. I don't know why smoking on a cold day or like a cold day yeah well or a brisk day was better than like i don't miss it in the summer oh god no you know i want to be in the hot sun although i knew people that they would only smoke in the summer because they're like it's patio season yeah smoke i ain't gonna smoke at a baseball game i guess that was the thing people used to do maybe people smoked everywhere. Yeah. For thousands of years.

The Incas. The ancient Egyptians. Inca Pinka. You a stinker. Riding on a horse's dinka. Yeah. They just found a stegosaurus with a cigarette. Oh, no. In his hand.

What was his brand? That was buried in the headline. Also, stegosaurus had hands. He still had the four legs, but he had an extra hand just to smoke with. There's actually so many things wrong. Because I don't even think stegosaurus are a thing anymore. Yeah. You know what?

There's always adults following dinosaur news, and I'm never one of them. Like, Brontosaurus doesn't exist. Well, I think it's another animal. Right. Or something. I feel like... I know Bronto definitely not exist. Bronto didn't exist.

Bronto not exist. You play police on TV. exist. Bronto didn't exist. Bronto not exist. You play police on TV. This has been our roving kid reporter. So what was on the Flintstones? What was in those Bronto

burgers? Bronto burgers are people. Well, I think I'm going to throw out a number that's not the right number. I think 46% of Americans, it's around there, believe that humans and dinosaurs lived at the same time. Oh, right. Sure. The more Americans believe that, then they're president.

Wow. Well, at the time of this recording. At the time of this recording. But he's won them back. He's won them back he's just in case yeah if when this airs a month from now all hail yeah president trump president of canada trump with his 87 percent all has there ever been a president that's like you know what i'm bringing back all hail last guy had hope yeah I'm bringing back all hail. Yeah. Last guy had hope.

Yeah. Let's go with all hail. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, not much. What? You got a fidget spinner? He's got a fidget spinner. What do you guys mean?

Dave. I've had this for years. Wait a minute. Can I also add that it is a camouflage fidget spinner? Oh, it's from the war. See? When you don't want to be seen fidget spinning. That's what you got from your grandma.

My grandma gave me her old fidget spinner from the war. From World War... Korea? No wonder we won. Yeah, this is from the Spice Wars. Listen to it spin now where did you buy this from dollar store yeah i was like a licensed fidget spinner dealer is it a real fidget spinner or is it an artificial fidget spinner what is the difference well quality quality is job one. Workmanship. Yeah. I mean, what, do you find it soothing?

No. You find it... Silly? Yeah, annoys your classmates? I can stop doing. Have you done it on your forehead yet? No. Oh, okay. Like, it's good on a...

There he is. That's fun. And it's hitting your hair a little bit, so it's got kind of a spoke. Oh, yeah. No, my hair's stuck in it now. No, it's... You want to spin it? I'm going to fidget.

Spend. Spun. Cool. That's all. Now, I wonder, do they all make that same noise? Because this is the first one i'm like i saw that one on the bus but it was bust well then i i looked it up because i i only saw that this this dollar store by the way pulled me in off the sidewalk like just that they had a handmade

sign we have fidget spinners in i go yeah uh and then i looked at like a video online of like what do you do with one of these things yeah that's it that's all you do uh but but under the video there were like ads for 250 fidget spin oh come on now uh is the these are so popular because whoever invented them didn't cut or trademark it oh sure so that's why every place can just have them and really there's a poor soul out there that came up with this and is not getting yeah this was created as a as like a therapeutic tool for ad i think adhd kids oh and then those kids brought it to school and then every kid a la the broccoli experiment we're like oh i want that i want adhd i feel like i yeah like if a kid showed up at school with a cast i was like oh yeah yeah oh boy

after i saw some kids with braces i was just like i took some pliers and really messed up my teeth i saw a bunch of kids with friends. I just really wanted that. Yeah, so this is what I've been doing. That's pretty cool. I mean, it's pretty cool. How much was that fidget spinner? This was $8.

$8. They tried to sell me the $10 one. And what's it do differently? It sucks your dick. Whoa! Yeah. Big jump for $2. No, no.

It only sucks yours. And I was like, I don't like Mark that much. You know what you should do with this? It lights up. It's the $10 one. Oh, okay. When you spin it. Or always.

I don't know. The guy was, he keeps them behind the counter. I've noticed that a couple of places I've been where they bring them out like jewelry. Yeah. Yeah. Here's what we got. Yeah. Black market.

You couple, this couple is shopping for a fidget spinner. Now the 10 year anniversary is the camouflage fidget spinner. You keep that around if you ever, if you ever grandkids. Yeah. Like here you go. Here you go. You can keep that around if you have grandkids. Yeah. Here you go. You can rest your drink on that. I bet you could put a drink on it. Spin it around.

Well, the center doesn't spin. Oh, yeah, but can't you put it on there and then have the drink? No. I spilled everywhere. What else is going on? Nothing. That's fine. You got a fidget spinner. I've been working so hard on this podcast I'm making. What else is going on? Nothing. That's fine.

You got a fidget spinner. I've been working so hard on this podcast I'm making. Yeah. That I've been, like the last three months, it's been my nine to five. The show I've made with Pat Kelly and Peter Oldring and Chris Kelly from This Is That. When does it come out? I think it's out now. Cool.

At the time of this release. It's called Road Trip Radio. Oh, cool of this release, it's called road trip radio. Oh, cool. Fun family podcast that we made. And can you get it on the old iTunes? I don't know. What about Stitcher?

I don't know. What about, what about fidget spinner.com? It's definitely on fidget spinner. Yeah. Um, so yeah, it's a fun Canadian podcast about Canada.

Nice. Canada's 150th birthday. Oh, great. Happy birthday, Canada. Nice. For Canada's 150th birthday. Oh, great. Happy birthday, Canada. Yeah. So that's what I've been. I have a very boring life at the moment because I've been working on that all day long. And then I spin fidgets at night.

Yeah, I understand. Oh, is Dave spinning fidgets tonight? Yeah. What are you up to? Well, I got some mail from a listener and uh just picked this up yesterday this is a record album by a band called the betrayers it says uh hi david graham just thought you might like to have this little artifact this band is named after a goof from episode number 150, where you were discussing fantasy novels with Craig Anderson, also the first appearance of the Take Care of Business theme.

So do you remember that? No. Me neither. I don't remember what the gag is, but these are... So this is a real band that named themselves after something on our show? Yeah. And then released a vinyl album, The Betrayers, 12 Songs to Haunt You. And these are spooky.

I guess they like, I haven't had a chance to listen to it. I just picked it up yesterday. Do you have a record player? I do. You keep this. I have one. They sent us two.

Oh. 12 Songs to Haunt You. Yeah. I only need the one song to haunt me. Monster Mash. I'm a thriller guy. Yeah? Just the spoken word though um we'll say yeah the betrayers that's a cool little thing i don't think there's a the

no just betrayers but i don't where are these people from edmonton alberta oh we have that yeah yeah and uh so that was that's a fun little thing and then then what was the other thing? Oh, I did a show in a place called Mission, which is just out there, you know? Out in the burbs, I guess. Oh, it's past the burbs, I think. Yeah, it's past the burbs. It's like its own little town. Is it in a valley? Is it in the Fraser Valley?

It's in the Fraser Valley. And driving down the main street street it looked exactly like every main street in every stephen king movie okay so it's like the i've been there yeah like the storefronts all look like they're from like 1962 right and uh you know it's kind of like in the shadow of the mountains so it's got kind of an eerie quality what was the show it was just a comedy show uh at a place called the stage which ironically we didn't use the stage because the stage was in the far corner and it had so many pillars in the way it's like but the place was called the stage wow what um should be called pillars yeah pillars

who who how many people on this show uh it was myself uh past guest kevin banner uh-huh and then an mc named you've met him harry dupe okay yeah he was the host and this place so like i put online that i was like i'm going i'm playing I'm playing the, this place, the stage pillars, I'm playing pillars. And so many people wrote and told me like, oh, that place used to be the notorious. B.I.G.? Yeah. Notorious B.I.G. That's where he played Sega Genesis was in that bar.

Oh, I couldn't picture that. They said like, this used to be, if there was like a huge bar fight or somebody getting stabbed or whatever, that was the play. Used to. Yeah. That's why they put in the pillars. Just to like... Yeah, encumber movement. You can't really swing a pool cue.

I mean... You can't really swing a pool cue. I mean, um, but it like, yeah, it has this super notorious past, but now it's like kind of, uh,

it's like an LGBTQ. Okay. Uh, the owner and all the staff, uh, and they do drag shows. And, and so it's this odd town that seems trapped in 1962, but right on Main Street, there's a gay bar.

Gay bar. Yeah. Stage. Which, yeah, with a stage in the far, far corner, you have to literally be standing next to it to see anything. So where did you perform? In the middle of the bar. Oh, in the round. In the round, yeah.

Did you do it in the round? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I prefer to do comedy shows. come out i say hail comedian oh yeah all hail comedian hail satan i say yeah and uh yeah so it was uh it was a weird i'd like to go back there and just like take photos of these uh storefronts because it really has it must have not right i always get mission and merit mixed up merits where you have like a mountain music festival i don't know if they still do but but in merit they have uh like murals oh yeah of alan jackson yeah because merit has the. No, it's not Canadian.

It's just called like the something country hall of fame. It's in Merritt. Right. Because the Canadian one's in Calgary. Yeah. And this is not Canadian. Like, it'll just be like Johnny Cash. Remember him?

Yeah. Patsy Cline. How about her? I went to the Canadian music hall of fame in Calgary when I was there. Yeah, me too. Working on Fargo. If you guys in Calgary when I was there yeah me too working on Fargo if you guys didn't know I was on that

yeah yeah it's a television show did you see the sunglasses from Sunglasses at Night no oh what but I went in and the first thing I saw

did you go like the day after they killed you off I walked in and the first glass case is this black, basic black sort of woman's suit jacket. And it was Jan Arden's. You didn't have anything more spectacular. Why is this in the foyer? Because they want you to know they mean business it's the first thing

you see like upstairs there's this like sequined shania twain toronto maple leaf dress that yeah looks like it took forever to make put that at the front not here's jan arn's jacket she just took off she's in the back office getting a coffee. I think someone's being insensitive. But it was the only thing in the lobby is this case with her black suit coat. Yeah, that's right. Did you go in the Tom Cochran exhibit there when you were there? No.

No. Wow. You missed seeing his jeans from the cover of Ragged Ass Road. No, I don't think. It might have been. I walked really... You would have remembered.

Come on. What was the most memorable thing other than Shania Twain's Juno dress? Well, because you can play instruments. That's pretty cool. Oh, okay. Like you can sit down and there's an iPad

and there's a piano and headphones. And it'll teach you how to play an easy song, a medium song, or a hard song. Oh, okay. All Canadian songs? Yeah, only Canadian, with Canadian notes. Yeah. These eyes. That's an easy one, I bet.

Yeah, and Burton's just there to teach you. Yeah, you think you're looking at an iPad, but it's just a glass window. Yeah, with Burton and his eyes. Just his eyes. My eyes. I thought it would be kind of cute. Because we're going to learn to play these eyes that I only would show you. They green screened out the rest of his face and it's just Burton Cummings' eyes.

Oh, scary. Worth it. Yeah, very much worth it. Do you know any other Burtons? Burton. I know, Burton Snowboards. Yeah, there you go. Okay.

Is that named after a gentleman? Tim Burton. Tim Burton. That's the last name. I know, but you threw it out there just generally. Ernie and Burton. I don't know why I got so angry. Yeah, well, hey.

Hey, that's not how this Burton competition works. First name Burton. No, they don't know why I got soy Yeah well Hey That's not how this Burton competition works First name Burton No They don't know any The uh Uh What was the other Oh did you go in the

Singing booth To see why I did go in the singing booth But I didn't sing Oh I sang Sweet City Woman Turns out I can't hit those high notes Is that a Canadian song?

Yeah By the Stampeders Yeah And then there's a guy that comes And plays the organ for a bit Yeah Yeah Turns out I can't hit those high notes. Is that a Canadian song? Yeah. By the Stampeders. And then there's a guy that comes and plays the organ for a bit. Yeah. Yeah. The, like, that has all the, like, drums. Yeah, the one that goes like, I can't do it.

Can't do it. No, you took me there. Do we want to move on to some Overhers? Sure. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things you don't wanna do to get through the day.

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we share them here on the podcast now before we get started on these gonna place my fidget spinner down on the table. This is a coming out in a month. This is a coming out in a month, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a spicy meatball. Go on. Is there going to be like a bad news story about fidget spinners?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's going to- Kill Kathy Griffin. Oh no! Is that how it happens? That's how it happens. Or like police will have shot a kid who was reaching for his fidget spinner. Well, maybe. I mean, you know.

Well, you can't live life. Yeah, yeah. Well, Graham's a whale month, and I get lonely. So I'm going to start spinning this. And then when it stops, we all leave. Okay, all right. We're out of here. Now, we always like to start with the guest great visual yeah really good visual um

yeah so i was at the airport and a gentleman was uh putting jam on his toast okay and his wife said that's enough jam and i saw their whole life in that one sentence. Right? Yeah. Right, yeah. You can tell exactly what his life is like. Where were they? They were in the table to the right. At a restaurant?

Yeah. Or like a. Sitting down at a table. He gets his lovely, and you know, they have the packets of jam. Yeah. Which is already. Portioned. Portioned.

Yeah. And she's telling him him that's enough jam now could you imagine another human being telling you when something anything is enough for you that's i can picture my mom doing it yeah as a child, but you've had 50 chocolates, and they're like, that's enough chocolates. Not, I'm spreading jam on my delicious toast. But like, yeah, the jam is just on top of it. It's like, that's enough ketchup on your hot dog, okay? Yeah.

And he's also a grown man. And also, is jam going to take him out? Is that the thing? Yeah yeah you know what the doctor said about your pectin levels but jam arden but like uh do you think if this guy and and i presume his wife separate that first day he's gonna fucking just like hand in the marmalade oh yeah he's gonna have a day in his life one day where he just fucking snaps yeah or i'd love to be hanging out with him the day she dies and then he's like if only we could predict a thing like that yeah i would be there that day and then he's like he's got 50 different jams and he's like you know what he would fucking bury her in jam just fill the hole in the ground with jam

yeah that's an expensive way to bury someone because jam's not well it's cheap and spinning a stop oh wow take care everybody yeah that was pretty good we'll see you later um um but uh like i'm sort of i forgot to tell you that Mark's a centaur. No, I think people could, they've seen Fargo. He ruins the library portion of the police station. But I'm sort of like, you get a little bit of that with a partner. You get like,

hey, can we, should we order pizza? I think we've had enough. Oh, sure. Right. Right. Like maybe it's a salad night for us. Okay, but if we're scaling it down to something so precise as the amount of jam that's allowed on this man's toast.

Yeah, like it's not a shared toast. And they're at the airport. They're probably going somewhere fun. And they're going to, this is his last meal for hours. Yeah. They're not going to, unless you want an $18 wrap. That's enough wraps. How many has he ordered at this point?

Are you guys jam enjoyers? If I'm in a bed and breakfast in Maine. First you got to fly to Boston, which is like $6.55 away. That might have had a stop. I think that had a stop. Oh. I think. I don't think it could be $6.55 away. That might have had a stop. I think that had a stop. Oh. I think. I don't think it could be seven.

I don't know. If it's four and a half to Toronto, it's like another two to Halifax. Yeah. I don't mind jam, but I certainly, like I don't seek it out. Yeah, me neither.

We always have some i never finish it i never start it i think i like eating just like i like toast i don't need to like gussy up toast well what about butter nothing yeah yeah no i'll put butter on but i feel like that's as good as toast it can be before you're getting into just like being obscene not even peanut butter allergic oh so butter's really like

so you shouldn't be speaking on this I mean I'm allowed to talk about jams he's allowed to talk as long as this spinner is spinning

but to make the statement I think toast is good I think it doesn't get any better than butter. Yeah, well, that's for me. Without the information that you're learning to peanut. And peanut butter sounds crazy. No, that statement, you can't. He also can't have shellfish, so he's never had toast and oysters.

Yeah, I haven't had toast and shrimp. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm one of those kids. Yeah, i know tell me about it but what are you gonna do you've never had peanut butter mussels uh no and i see every time i see them on the menu i want i yeah peanut butter muscles or, you know, I like, I don't know, like an almond dipped squid. Yeah. Yeah. What else am I missing out on? Is that your fridge spinner?

Yeah. I don't seek out jam. Jam's sort of in your fridge and it just is always there. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't check the expiry date of jam. No. No mean it's a preserved so it's it's fine it's preserved yeah yeah if anything you can put jam on other food and preserve it is that true yeah oh god that poor man he preserved his wife that poor man he thought he was getting back at her

It was a twilight zone Yeah Twist at the end Yeah All you've done is preserved her body for the future Now they'll dig her up and bring her back That's enough bringing me back Is the first thing she would say

Enough digging Why are you getting so greedy with that shovel? Dave, do you have an overheard? Oh, I'm sure I do. After all, I write them down, I put them in my phone, then I open my phone,

and then here they are. My other one was, sorry, thanks for buying me some time. Was I rarely sneeze, but sometimes I do. Was that somebody saying that? Yeah. I rarely sneeze, but sometimes I do. Was that somebody saying that?

Yeah. I rarely sneeze, but sometimes I do. I guess on a scale of my whole life, I could say the same. Like, I know I'm not sneezing all the time, but... Yeah, like I rarely brush my teeth, but only for like four minutes a day. Yeah. It bothered me because I didn't hear why that needed to be said to the other person. It was probably like, that's enough sneezing.

That I've had quite enough of your sneezing. Well, I don't sneeze all the time. But sometimes I do. Yeah, sometimes I do. And when I do, I like doing it. So, there. Hey, Cindy, do you sneeze? Like, what?

Not a lot, but sometimes, yeah. I do like sneezing. I think that's well sometimes i do like sneezing i think that's well established you love sneezing love you let it out yeah what else do you do well there's those horrible people that do that yeah and if really they're gonna hurt themselves uh but some people hate it like some people hate the act of sneezing they're because they've i don't know because you're kind of out of control because their parents were killed by a sneeze yeah yeah now is it true

you orgasm sort of when you sneeze me specifically yeah about like a thimble fall I'm a very my all of my parts are

connected weirdly the doctors oh when they told my mom she was heartbroken your son but your dad high fived you

I've never heard that before is that a thing or did you just make that up on the spot no the way orgasm sneezing no i've heard that really yeah it's like a there's a parallel like sensation yeah but like it's not it's not you it's not, it's not, I've heard it. The ratio I've heard is an orgasm is like six times stronger than a sneeze. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you get it. Amplify your sneeze. I heard that men think about sneezing every six seconds.

Is that true? Hi. Hi. Dave, do you have an overheard? All hail. Bad joke. Yeah. Thank you.

A thimbleful my overheard that's stuck in my head thus sorry Dave I don't mean to talk over your overheard but that will be a unit of measurement

that will not be used in the future thimble that's true yeah it's a dying it's a dying thing thing

yeah it's a dying finger protector yeah and I heard they dug up a stegosaurus that had one on his little point oh i think is that true think of how fast i could spin this if i had a thimble on my finger it's very true the thimble was on one hand the cigarette was in the other and he apparently worked in a sweatshop oh no that's why he was sewing what was he sewing he was sewing sweaters was he sewing again? He was sewing sweaters. Which, for a stegosaurus, is very difficult.

A lot of, like, your head goes through all the different holes. Very misshapen. You get one of those spokes. Let's call it a spokes. Yeah, they have spokes on the back. Sorry, Dave. Dave, overheard mine is an overseen and it's from tv and it's really just something that yeah i guess you had to be me um so there's uh uh this brand of i'm guessing tools called steel still stihl right yes and they only, you can't buy them at Home Depot in the commercial. You can't buy them at Canadian Tire.

You can only buy them at the steel store. That's right. Authorized steel dealer. And they have a shot of this steel store and it's just full of people on their own trying out tools. Like there's one salesperson and then there's just a guy holding a weed whacker miming I like the weight of this it's just a room full of actors

miming tools huh this saw would do a good job of sawing yeah yeah I got some wood you can't go into a store and just pick up the thing uh some store they've got at Home Depot they've got a block of that you can't go into a store and just pick up the thing. Uh, some,

they've got at home Depot, they've got a, a block of wood. You can just drill. Yes, man. Have I drilled that block? Really?

Yeah. Every time I go in, I, I take out cause you do, you're just seeing like the different sizes of holes it makes. Oh, so, so good.

Uh, hand drill, hand drill. Yeah. Not a drill press. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because they have a place where you can bring your wood that you're going to buy and say, I want it this length. Oh, really? I don't have a saw at home. Saw this for me. Saw. Saw boy. I took a piece back, and the guy was like, no, I can't do it.

And then he was like, here's this scrap piece. Do you want that? And I was like, yeah. And he cut it. And he gave it to me. He goes, yeah, we were just going to throw that out anyway. And then he wrote up a bill for $5. He's like, uh-huh. I figured out a way. You just told me you were going to

throw that out. Oh, how much will it cost me to just throw it out? Yeah. But this is a real company, man. It's like, I just made Home Depot. Yeah. And it's funny because I walked up to the cashier and I go, here, he's charging me $5. She looked at it, crumpled it up and said, get out of here.

Really? Yeah. Get out of here. Yeah. She's tired of Matthew's bullshit. She's tired of Matthew the Cutter's bullshit. Oh, boy. Yeah.

He's really sucking up to the Depot family. But I guess the steel store is like the music store of the tool world. But the music store would be like, we only sell Fender Stratocasters. That's true. But if you want to buy some real cool tools, you go to the steel store. I try them out. And then. Yeah.

You play. But mostly it was just this one guy waving a weed whacker in the store, getting the weight of it. That really. Yeah. Do you think that was his choice as an actor or the director? I think the director was like, get over there. Yeah. Just pretend you're using it.

Pretend you're cutting your grass. Think about your family. Yeah. At home. What's my motivation uh weeds yeah think about your family you hate weeds and if you don't nail this commercial you'll never see them again oh that weed whacker guy's really sweating oh boy he's really going for it. Just imagine your shrill jam hold backing wife is one of these weeds. Your jam withholding wife. Jam hold backing? Yeah.

I think it's jam hold backing. Yeah, you got it. Hey, maybe 150 episodes from now, we'll get a record from a band called the Jam Hold Backers. I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. Do you think that guy sits at home and feels some pride when he sees a steel commercial?

Yeah. I'm doing it. Daddy's on. Turn it up. I'm at the bar. Can you turn this up? You don't say. Turn it up. Because half the commercial is people trying to pronounce steel. Steel.

Because it's really spelled like style, right? Or style. S-T-I-H-L. Yeah, style. Yeah, like Harry Styles. Okay, go ahead. My overheard comes from being in a Starbucks. Okay.

And a lady in front of me asking the barista, does anything here not have wheat? And the woman cashier, she starts explaining, yeah, it's only the marshmallow bar or whatever. And then her coworkerworker like buds in like he he wasn't the one being asked but he buds in and he's like uh anything on the left side of the display that's all fine he's like are you fine with egg and she's like yeah eggs fine and he's like then you can have any of the pastries any of the pastries are all meat free is what he says so he's like, then you can have any of the pastries. Any of the pastries are all meat-free, is what he says. So he's overhearing and he's like, I got this. I got this, dum-dum.

You wanted to know which ones are meat-free? The ones that aren't listed to have meat in them. I'm going to... What is on the right side of this Starbucks? It's just a deli counter. I'm going to get some breakfast.

There's not a lot of meat in a Starbucks. I was making two really loud frappuccinos, but I think I heard someone asking about meat food. But like, you know, they got your breakfast sandwich. Yeah, yeah. Or like a little wrap. But yeah, nobody's ever asked. Oh, I love that guy.

Coffee kebab. He's like, I got this. You're new here. I'll handle this. You don't like meat, ma'am? No problems. I'm just unsure because a lot of stores will slip a little meat without it being labeled into their banana bread. Yeah, a little banana bread with pepperoni.

Maybe he has a condition. You know, like he has a rhyming condition. He only hears the rhymes of words. So, you know, his whole life has been. Yeah. His girlfriend says, I love you. And he's like, put a glove on me. You're above me.

What? You think you're better than me? You showed me. What? He starts hearing his own words back. Right. And only hears the rhyme of what he's saying. Right.

So he's even confused as to what he's saying. Yeah. Someone orders a grande. He's like, well, what he said. Someone orders a grande, he's like, well, here's the complete works of Dante. I'm surprised we have it too. Yeah, I guess I like blonde. He really shoehorns in these rhymes. Yeah, they're not all perfect.

No, no. Very few conditions are. And then someone comes in and asks for an orange, and he was fucked. Yeah. He heard nothing. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people around the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it into spy at maximumfun.org. I'm trying to think of a rhyme for pumpkin spice.

Chicken lice. Your bum's got lice. Well, what? I was... Don't give me that frowny face, Dave. Turn it upside down. Come on, Dave. Spin that face around like a fidget. This first one comes from Julie from Ferndale, Michigan.

When I got to the bar, a very drunk woman ran up to her friends who were standing directly next to me. She seemed incredibly upset and out of breath. When she finally started to talk, she said to her group of friends, you guys, I was just on the phone with my cousin. She told me she was cast in a YMCA ad campaign.

I feel so bad for her, you guys. in a YMCA ad campaign. I feel so bad for her, you guys. Because maybe she was cast as somebody who needs help or something. I don't know. They cast her on site. Yeah.

Put on this helmet. Why was it so urgent? But also, YWCA? YMCA? YMCA. Ad campaign? Yeah or YMCA ad campaign. What do they do? Brochures?

Bus ads? Maybe like a Are they a charity? YMCA? Do they get free ad time? I don't see their ads on TV. Isn't there a YWCA? There is, yeah. What?

Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. She's a very manly woman. Or maybe it's... Well, men and women are allowed at the YMCA, but only ladies at the YW. It's like curves. What year is this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Women own... They had a Wonder Woman showing at the YWCA where I work at home. In the pool? That would be kind of fun. Yeah. Yeah.

Watching a movie in a pool. Project it. Yeah. Yeah. Like you just sit in a thing and they bring out, I mean, there'd be a lot of junk food floating on the top of the pool at the end. Sure. Jaws would be good.

Jaws would be good. That one that takes place, Piranha Waterworld. Yes. Right. Pool one that takes place. Piranha. Waterworld. Yes. Right. Pool. Footloose. Just because it's a fun family movie. Yeah.

That's true. Although is Footloose a fun family movie? Swim fan. Yeah. Swim fan. Good. Seabiscuit. Dive In.

That was a movie in the 80s. Oh, with the one where- Seabiscuit. Dive In. That was a movie in the 80s. Oh, with the one where... Seabiscuit. The Rodney Dangerfield diving movie. Treading Water. Yeah. Now, I don't know if that's a movie, but I feel 100% confident that it is. I feel like there's...

And if it isn't, there's definitely a movie where people tread water. Sure. Well, there's that one where they're caught out in the ocean. Shark water? Yeah. Is that called shark water? Is that what that is? That's what that is.

What was the one with Blake Lively? The Shallows? Maybe. The Abyss? Yeah. Yeah. No, but seriously, is there a movie called Shark Water? There is.

Shark Water, yeah. Really? And what was the other one I was thinking of? I'm just, we're like, Guys, we're just spitballing water Robert Redford is on a boat Oh yeah, Butch Cassidy You can't swim If you fall, I'll kill you

Cape Fear That would be a good one in the pool And then there's somebody during the cigar smoking scene That's smoking a cigar in the pool Fun Now in Fargo, do you drown? Is that how you die? That would be a good one.

This next one comes from Kieran from Oakland. But still, I'm still on this one for a second. Do we have time? Do we have time? Absolutely. Let me look at the producers. Do we have time? Yeah, yeah. You've had your eye on the clock for 90 minutes. It's just because it's moving. I don't want it to end.

Well, then look at this fidget spinner. It's just because it's moving. I don't want it to end. Well, look at this fidget spinner. It's moving. It's a problem I have. It's the only thing moving in the room. I know. Like, if you go to a restaurant

and they have TVs, can you ever take your eyes off of them? No. But also, TV's great. TV's so great. Those numbers

are getting bigger. So are numbers moving faster and faster. They're not getting any faster. Faster and faster and faster. They're just going up. They're not accelerating. They're moving faster and faster they're not getting any faster faster faster they're just going up they're not accelerating they're going faster and faster um so but what what what is she upset like what why is she upset about the w yeah we never really touched on why she'd be upset maybe like you say maybe she's upset that her cousin is gonna

is gonna listerine man right you know and go down that road like i don't think i've ever seen a ymca commercial we definitely touched on that yeah so why and they had a pretty good viral hit with that one song. Yeah. In the Navy. Yeah. By the town people. Yeah. By the town people. The men of the town.

Children of the corn. Yeah, I don't know. I can't give you any other answers. That's all I know. That's so weird. I'm trying to picture her day. Like she heard about it in her car. Graham, what's the next one?

And she left her car running in the middle of a highway and ran to this bar where she knew her friends were. Yeah. Anyways, guys, I gotta go. To deliver this message and then left. That's a,

that's how you, guys, like when you come in, guys, guys, it should be like, we gotta get out of here. Yeah.

That's the next sentence. Well, maybe all of her friends hate her cousin or whatever What was it her sister or cousin? Cousin? I got some news about that cousin you hate I don't know anything about what my cousins are doing No? You don't have Facebook?

No I only have one cousin No Really? Did he or she Did she Also remember that about your grandmother? Really? Did he or she? She. Did she also remember that about your grandmother? She might have.

She was at Christmas dinner. Your one memory. Yeah, next time you see your cousin. She lives in Germany. Oh boy, she's seen a lot of assholes being eaten. This next one. No, no, no. I was really. This next one. Okay, so I kept it. No, no, no. I was really stuck on that one.

Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry, guys. Kieran from Oakland. A few weeks ago, I was at a bar and I overheard a man in his 50s say to a younger man,

I thought this was a NCAA commercial. I just read that Prince Harry went to a therapist to deal with his mother's death. The younger man said, who is his mother? To which the older man replied, oh, I don't know.

Prince Charles's wife, I guess. How quickly we forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though he wrote that whole song to help us remember. Yeah, England's Rose, which was usurped by the late Kathy Griffin. Yeah. Maybe Elton needs to come out with a new one. Just a reminder song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redux. Yeah, don't forget about Diana. Well, there was a little panic. That wasn't even close to the tune. What was that to the tune of? An old jingle? Let's go out to diana don't forget my diana she was wearing fruit of the loom

a couple months ago there was a little worry that because prince philip announced he was retiring yeah right and but a thousand right yeah he was a thousand uh and they but like for 12 hours everyone was like well maybe he's dead and yeah that's why everyone's like there's like a kerfuffle happening at the palace oh yeah I wonder if he is dead. How would I know otherwise? He could be dead right now because this comes out a month later. Oh, damn it. He's now dead with Kathy Griffin.

No, Kathy Griffin's alive. They die on the same day. Oh, no. They fuck each other to death. Grow up. Dave. I'm cool. Yes, Dave.

Stop it. I'm cool! Stop it! I'm the cool one! This last one comes from Mike H. This is an overheard. Wait, his name is Mike H? Well, I don't want to say his last name. Oh, okay. I thought it was like Mike H.

Mike H. He probably used his style too old. This is an older, fun, mom-looking TSA agent at Portland Airport, standing between two stanchions, arms stretched out at the head of the security line. Have you ever performed at stanchions? Yeah. Someone broke the strap, so I'm the strap. I'm getting my strap on.

Pretty good, lady at the airport. I'm getting my strap on. Come on. Pretty good lady at the airport. I'm getting my strap on. Come on. I'm sorry for interrupting at such an inopportune time. It kind of really stepped on it. Yeah, really did. I thought you would start again. No. As a

That's the show. No, Dave, it is not. Put the strap back on. No, she was the strap. She, Dave, it is not. So she puts the strap back on. No, she was the strap. She had to act as the strap. Oh. She was getting her strap on. I feel like I'm having trouble today processing information.

Don't worry. It's because somebody keeps fidgeting. Well, not fidgeting. Spinning. There's a fidget spinner in the clock. Yeah. There's a lot of motion here. So she pretended to be the strap.

Yeah. And said, I'm getting my strap on you got it doesn't work doesn't work no she's not getting her strap on no no no but that's you know technically in the talk of the time like i'm getting my coffee on yeah but it doesn't fit right oh but that's what makes it so incongruous. In addition to overhears that are written, and we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, hey, it's your prerogative. And the way you do that, it's simple. You go to the phone that you have probably in your pocket right now,

and you type in the number, which is 1-844-779-7631. That is 1-UGH-SPYP7631. That is one. Ugh. SpyPod 1. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and wonderful guests. This is Kellen from Vancouver. I have an overheard to share that is also from Vancouver. I was walking in Gastown on a nice early evening, and there was a couple ahead of me.

They're like a middle-aged couple, you know, like 45, 50 years old. on a nice early evening and there was a couple ahead of me. They were like a middle-aged couple, you know, like 45, 50 years old. And the guy was just walking kind of carefree and I guess his wife or girlfriend or whatever was like, yeah, you really need to start sitting down when you pee. It goes everywhere. And he just kind of laughs and then they she stops him they stop walking and she turns up and says no this is serious like it really makes a mess all right thanks guys wow i don't know man i don't know that's that to me is like that's a real that is a real there's a

dysfunction in that relationship there like first of all why can't he aim what's wrong with this guy's wiener right and then why is she doing why sit you gotta start sitting come on man you thought the jam lady was bad yeah i don't know like he's if if he's spraying everywhere then it should be if i went into the bathroom and i've stepped in a bunch of jam i would we would have to have a talk about that yeah i guess stop putting putting jam on your toast on the toilet yeah yeah yeah fair at least sit down to put jam on your toes while urinating the urine gets in the toilet no problem the jam goes everywhere um but yeah that's not i don't know i think the the onus is on him to stop peeing everywhere. But is sitting the solution? Maybe it is.

I've never been a huge fan of the stopping someone and reaffirming your point. This is serious. Yeah. Right. The worst one I ever saw was a Rebecca Kohler comic. Yeah. A guy came up to her after the show and he said, you were terrible.

Jesus. And she said, okay. And then he put his arm on her shoulder and said, no, you were terrible. Wow. That's always so, I've never liked that.

And that's why we haven't had her on the show. She and I, we've had friction since that moment. And that man's name was a young Lorne Michaels. I'm retiring. No, for real. Yeah. The grown man knows he's having trouble peeing directly.

He doesn't need to be. Not necessarily. You don't think so? We, look. Yeah. We host this podcast. Not necessarily. Yeah. We, look. Yeah. We host this podcast in my home. Yeah.

My toilet is the show toilet. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you see a lot of peed. Some. Some of your guests have peed on your floor is what you're saying? A lot have left a drop. Really? On the floor.

Yeah. No, on the floor? Yeah. No, on the roof. Not even the ceiling. Who's the worst? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. Yeah. But it happens often.

I think a lot of men don't take care. Yeah, that's probably. I mean, but we're so used to uh having our way with everything well i've had like the the the pube slicer right had that issue where there's okay that's seen on tv yeah that's what i was like the pube slicer i mean i just call them uh scissors myself oh an errant pube that sort of splits the stream and you're like, oh Jesus, I didn't see that coming. Yeah, yeah. But the thing is, I would be an errant This isn't that kind of show

so I'm not going to take umbrage with you but I don't think that's what's going on. Yeah, you can have a hair Forget it. And it splits the stream. i like that you said forget it and then you then you stopped on the street and said no seriously no you're terrible uh yeah no it splits the stream it's rare and it's a hair i believe so yes how long is the hair or short is your penis when i was younger you know

you weren't in there with the with the trimmers yeah that's true right you just had a big curly fro yeah a matted curly fro. Your dad never sat down and said, you know, you can clean that up. Oh, my dad totally sat down. Mine didn't sit down ever with me. And I would stop him and say, Dad, you need to start sitting down. Dad, you need to start

telling me about trimming my pubes. You gotta start sitting down. Dinner's very awkward. My dad told me shit about my dick. No, that's true. Shit about my dick. And I only have daughters so I can't hand down any knowledge.

Right. Well, but you know what? You can write it down and just put it in a one of those times. Until they bring home a boy, then I can tell him

about my death. Can you go upstairs? I want to talk to you. I want to talk to him about my death. I got some questions for him. Why is it always so red? What's this?

Why is it turn this angle have you ever heard of a puke splitter supposed to glow in the dark here's your next phone call hello this is margaret calling from brooklyn with a celebrity overheard i I was just eating ice cream at a local fancy ice cream shop and Ethan Hawke and his two sets of children from two different marriages were there with him and the older girl was talking to her half-sisters and said, well, when I was watching Gattaca, I had a lot of feelings

because it was where mom and dad met. But when I watched it, they were fighting all the time. And Ethan looked at her and said, well, I can see how that would have been confusing. Okay, that's all. Bye. Wow. Gattaca. First off, I'd like to, Margaret, you don't

have to play up the ice cream shop. No, it's a fancy ice cream shop. We get it, Margaret. You can afford a long-distance call. And fancy ice cream shop. No, it's a fancy ice cream shop. Yeah, we get it, Michael. You can afford a long-distance call. Yeah, and fancy ice cream. Yeah, I assume that Ethan Hawke's not eating at a... Baskin and Rabbins?

Yeah, yeah, he's gonna go for something artisanal. What was Gattaca? Like, I know that it's... It's like a gene-splicing, dystopian identity theft movie, I believe. And it's Ethan Hawking. And I think Jude Law is in there as well. Jude Law. He's going to play Dumbledore in something.

I don't know. The young Dumbledore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the young Dumbledore. I'm so sick of seeing people, the young versions. What about seeing the old versions of something? Sure, let's see some of that. Yeah, like, hmm.

Who's a. We're going to recast a Harry Potter, but just with them all old. Yeah, like Harry's like 90. Yeah. Sure. I'm on his way out. The wizards died? I don't know.

I don't know. They're not like Minnesota police. So they don't die all the time. That's a real shifty look there. Real shifty. Minnesota or North Dakota? Your character's district. I can't say. You can say.

It's so funny because the show's like seven episodes in. I can't say. You can say. It's so funny because the show's like seven episodes in. I can't. I can't tell you. I'm not allowed to say. I want to, though, but I won't. Also, like, we get it. Your dad's Ethan Hawke. You don't have to talk about it the whole time you're in public.

But you haven't covered this yet? Yeah, that's true. So, like, when we're out in public i want you to where it's the 20th anniversary of gattaca so if you could do like a little buzz mark now that you guys are 13 i want you to see all my pg-13 movies it would be weird if you're because ethan hawke's been like he's like perpetually like a cool guy in movies right so like but kids think he's cool or they just think he's dad? Like they don't think like...

I don't know if I think he's cool. I'm basically just basing that... But you're not his kid. I'm basing that on reality bites more than anything. He was really cool in that. Smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. Other than that, what... I'm trying to think...

He was cool in Gattaca. Always plays a guy who's trying to grow a mustache, I think. He was in the boy thing. He was in Boyhood. Yeah. It's a boy thing. Boy thing. You wouldn't understand.

Before Sunrise. My favorite scene in Boyhood is when he explains about pubes splitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking good dad. Fucking good dad. Really good dad. Yeah, that scene where he's older and he's like,

thanks dad for talking about my dick. That was a beautiful scene that really touched me because I was like, I needed that. My boy is just like me. And the cut and the cradle

and the urine split. Here we go. Final over. And the cut and the cradle and the urine split. Here we go. Final overheard. Hi, Dave and Graham and Saab guest. This is Trish calling from Calgary, Alberta. Let's start it again. She's an important person. Hi, Dave and Graham and Saab guest.

Who is this lady? This is my mom. I'm from Calgary, Alberta with an overheard from my local Manny Petty salon. I was sitting next to two young ladies, probably mid to late 20s. And one is a birthday girl and the second is her friend who's brought her a gift and she opens it up right then. And the birthday girl says, oh, it's a bracelet. It's really unusual. What is it?

And her friend says, well, you know, I'm really into meditation a lot and yoga and crystals, and now I've been doing a lot more spiritual work, and I make these bracelets out of volcanic rock, and they're very porous, so you can put in essential oils if you like. And then you see around here on the side there's a little plaque, and it's Sanskrit for like peace and her friend says the birthday girl thank you very much and birthday girl goes on to ask so what are your plans for this weekend and her friend says oh me and a couple of my friends uh we're going to go out and get wasted so i guess that's the new new age as always love your podcast guys bye thanks mom

that's my mom she sounds like a real bitch oh what I them's fighting words I'm afraid them's fighting words this is the first time she hasn't called in to explain to Graham about his penis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unlike you, my whole family sat me down at different points and explained my penis to me. Hey, big brother, we need to talk about your penis. Is it weird when you give somebody a present and you're in a public space opening up? Yes, that's the first thing I thought. Yeah, because sometimes you'll be at the bar and somebody will be opening up presents in the bar. And you'll be like, why didn't you get something for everyone? Yeah, give me a porous volcanic bracelet.

Also, sorry, Dave, go ahead. I feel like I know so many women who collect crystals. Oh, do you? Why do I know so many women who collect crystals. Oh, do you? Why do I know so many women who have crystal collections? I only know Spencer Pratt, but he does collect crystals. So I understand, but I don't, you know, because I don't know any women who do. No, I guess I do know. Yeah, you do.

You know a few. I know a few. I don't. I mean, they're harmless. It's not. Are they? Well, except for the ones that collect crystal bath i guess like but they're collecting it they're not using it really yeah yeah yeah they have a shelf yeah i don't know if i'm supposed to take any other part of them seriously after they reveal that they have crystals? But do they have them, like, because they aren't cool looking.

A geode really ties a room together, I think, if you got a nice thing to hold it. Sure. I don't know. I'm not into it. Yeah, like those big purple things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're pretty cool. You're talking about this guy again?

Dave, let's sit down and talk about your geode that's what we call it in this house it took thousands of years to make technically Dave's dick I mean if you think about all the we're all stardust star stuff

you could trace a direct line from Stegosaurus to this bad boy. Actually, yes. Yeah. Yeah. So, because here's the funny thing. Oh, okay. I've talked about this somewhere else, but the dinosaurs were around so long that there's been no added water on this planet.

We have the water we have, and it's been here since the dinosaurs. Right. But the dinosaurs lived so much longer than us that they drank pretty much every bit of fresh water. Oh, it's been passed. And urinated it out. So we're actually drinking dinosaur piss. I like it.

I mean, every time I fill up a glass, I find it very refreshing. I like it. I just wonder what it would have tasted like pre-dinosaur. Oh, pre-dinosaur. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Like, we will never know what.

It's pretty flavorless now. But maybe that's why. Why? Yeah, maybe the oceans used to taste like Dr. Pepper. Don't tempt me, girl. Maybe that's why. Yeah, maybe the oceans used to taste like Dr. Pepper. Don't tempt me, girl. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Aw.

Yeah. Mark, do you have anything coming up in July you want to plug? No. I mean, I'm at Just for Laughs, and then I'm going to Edinburgh. Are you going to Edinburgh this year? No. I loved seeing you in Edinburgh that time we went because you were always so funnily drunk and angry. Yeah, I had a really hard run that second time around.

It was just like commiserating was great. What's the name of your show that you're doing in Edinburgh? Mark Ford Wins All the Awards. Ah, yeah. Which could kill me. How do you think? Well, I just think people are going to... The people that...

Oh, because the festival has awards. The festival has awards. And I saw a bunch of shows there, and I saw a bunch of comedians, and they kept having this underlying story in their stand-up, right? You know, death or of this or that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, come on. And then they would win all the awards.

Right. So, yeah, it's basically a show where one side of the stage is the stuff I talk about that's just there for me to win the awards. And then, ah, and then my standup. So it's not hidden. Right. As other people do. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I like it. Yeah. Is, are you in the same, uh, uh, I'm in,

uh, the gilded balloon. Yeah. So if you're in Scotland, if you're in Edinburgh, check it out. Yeah. Uh,

and do we have anything? Fidget spinners? Fidget spinners are great. Road trip radio. Check it out wherever you get podcasts. A fun thing I made in the last few months. I dropped my fidget spinner. That was inevitable. Oh no. Okay, no, it fell in the mud.

Are you guys gonna get a floor soon? Or like even for 10 years? I don't a floor soon? Or like, you've been doing it for 10 years. I don't know. This is like, the mud is just, you know what? It's therapeutic. It feels so good on my feet. Yeah. It really brings out a lot of good energies.

It's good for my crystals. Oh, yeah. It is good for his crystals. That's true. Wait, the mud is good for your crystals? They get along together. The mud and the crystals are friends. Okay.

And this is very much chakras. And, you know. Why were your eyes closed for so long during this explanation? It was on. I was centering myself inside my chi, y'all. For mud and exfoliating. Where was it? Yeah. Peace be with you.

None of that made sense. No, you are. I don't think you were firmly planted in your chi. I think we need to talk about your urine sit. Your urine seat. Here's the thing, though. My toilet wasn't hooked up properly and it was leaking urine. Oh.

And so I thought, what the hell's wrong with me? I don't think I'm missing, and then there wouldn't be urine there. Ah. So maybe this guy just has a faulty toilet. I believe it. I love faulty toilet. Oh, with the junk lease? Yeah.

Oh, and the band as well. Oh, yeah. Yeah, faulty toilet and the showerhead. Oh, well, you know what? We could go all day. I guess the point of this episode is, never mind. Thank you so much for listening. What's the longest episode you've ever done?

This one. Yeah, I think it's this one. I think we did it. If you like the show, tell your friends and head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap. Pictures and videos of things we talked about on today's show. Fidget spinners. Yeah, fidget spinners.

Children of the corn. Children of the corn. Yeah. The Listerine Man. Yeah, if we can find it. Cube Spicers. please yeah let's not geodes crystals whatever okay whatever uh and if you like the show please tell your friend and come on back next week for another episode of stop boxing MaximumFun.org

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