Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 487 - Jane Stanton

Episode Date: July 17, 2017

Comedian Jane Stanton returns to talk dogs, ants, mustard, guitar stores and small talk reviews.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 487 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who used to call me on my cell phone. Late night when he needed me to pick up ice cream, Mr. Dave Shumka. What's the situation in this? You know, then I would. But like, am I drunk and I can't go out and get my own ice cream no you're just so comfortable on the couch but we don't live near

each other no this is back in used to you don't do it anymore but i used to live just up the street this never happened guys like i know everything's yes and yeah yeah i look i take care of my own ice cream needs but you know what if you ever couldn't be there for you fine of our guest today one of our original guests from from all the way back at the very beginning 28 years ago i started this podcast um A very funny comedian is currently in the Sirius XM Top Comic Competition. Miss Jane Stanton is our guest. Hello. Hello.

Do you think you got what it takes to be this year's Top Comic? Totally. I've been shaving my mustache, goatee, doing it all. How do you figure that that makes you more eligible to be a top comic?

Because you don't want a goatee as a lady. Or maybe I do. Maybe I should do it. What are the options for facial hair? Yeah, for you personally. Me?

We could go mustache. Could you? I could. Like a full... I'm looking at you personally. Me? We could go mustache. Could you? I could. Like a full... I'm looking at you. I don't know about that. What are you... What's preventing you?

Have you been... Because I want cock. No, but... No, but what I'm saying is what do you do... What's preventing you, Jade? But like, are you bleaching at the moment? Are you? Everything.

Okay, let's, I did laser years ago. Uh-huh. With laser? Wait, wait. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Go on. Does that give you a laser mustache?

No. Pew, pew. Pew, pew. That would be the best thing in the world. But laser, when they do it they say then you don't have to do anything

yeah but that the like upper lip hair and chin hair is from like hormones and stuff and since I'm like 24 now

it's getting a little out of control yeah yeah yeah I understand so you did this right when you reached puberty you're like mom yeah for my

puberty you're like mom yeah for my puberty present do you want pearl earrings no no laser laser and then have you done threading yeah i don't do it no no but i've heard now i break out i even on my eyebrows i get like bumps my skin's all sensitive i'm just an idiot so what's the go-to nap bleach no that's too much just just holding just always having a fan yeah reading a magazine what's jane reading sticking your head out from behind a magazine who me i'm just reading this fascinating article about assad or yeah if it's like where she's reading a magazine and it's El Chapo's on the, and he's got a mustache

and it lines up. Then it'd be perfect. Because it's a magazine where they're featuring the lower half of El Chapo. Who's El Chapo? The drug dealer who had a tunnel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, big mustache. Big mustache guy. Yeah. Um, so

aside from your battle with body hair i don't know if it's a battle um what's this uh i was in this competition last year yeah congratulations on your win yeah yeah i i got uh i lost big time they uh i they didn't rank the losers but i feel like it was just first second second, and then like first, second, third, and then everybody else just get the fuck out. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but you've done a lot of competitions. Like, yeah. Yeah. And not just comedy.

I mean, uh, you did a hundred meter Vancouver last year. I did. Yeah. Miss P and E. I did. Uh,

I was in a gardening competition where I did peonies. I thought you were like a garden gnome because that would really disturb right now. That was my character that I did. What else did I do this past year? I was in a Doctor Who trivia competition. I lost because I don't know anything about Doctor Who. This looks dumb. One of them wore a colorful scarf, and there you go.

I've never seen that show in my life. No. Have you ever seen it? Abby watched it, watches it. Right. So, no. But it was like in the... I've been in the room with it.

Yeah, yeah. I don't even think... You don't like it? I can't make it through five seconds of it. That's room with it. Yeah, yeah. I don't even think. You don't like it? I can't, like, make it through five seconds of it. That's not my thing. Yeah. I'm the same. Have you seen it?

No. No. So why are you giving him the stink? I just wanted to know. Yeah. What was the stink? I like to know if I'm just judging the show wrong. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I like to get in the show. No, I think you're nailing it. That's too long of a show. is it like 45 years oh i thought you meant like running time like 45 minutes i'm out that's too long too long i want to know it is like yeah it's from the 70s i think until today but it also it's like a soft rock station they play billy joel they play daleks see you know i you know one more thing than i know daylight here's what i know about dr who phone phone he lives in a phone booth yeah he lives in a police box oh right right it's called the tardis yeah um uh he uh sometimes has a scarf yeah they reboot them all the time. There's a new doctor.

New doctor. It's never D-R, period. It's always spelled out doctor. Right. Maybe that's his name? That might be his name. And he's also always been a guy. There's been no lady who's.

Ooh. Yeah. Right. And there's been, it's only white guys. So there's been no diversity in the who you. So it's like literally 007. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only white guys. So there's been no diversity in the who you. So it's like literally 007. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only white guys. Yeah, do you think? What do you think? Next. Well, will there ever be a woman Bond? Will there ever be a lady Bond? Smashing pussy? I don't know. That'd be great.

Now, where did it? Is that the name of the character? Smashing pussy? Yeah. Pussy. Smashing Pussy. Pussy. Smashing Pussy. And what else is going on? You're not a huge fan of the summer.

We're rolling right into the hot, hot summer. We're having our first episode with a fan in the room. Yeah. Yeah. Three of us don't like summer, right? Yeah. Pretty sure. Right. I moved into an apartment that has an outdoor pool, room. Yeah. Yeah. Three of us don't like summer, right? Yeah. Pretty sure. Right. I moved into an apartment that has an outdoor pool, though.

Whoa. Whoa. That's a big game changer. It is. So have you been in it? Yeah. Okay. Only one other person.

No one uses it. Well, probably young teens probably jump over the fence and use it all the time. Kick them out. Yeah. All the nice, get out of here. No banging. Is it a well-kept pool? So there's not like ducks swimming around in it?

I'm dressed as a duck for sure. What neighborhood is this? Karesdale. I know, I don't fit in. Ground floor? Yes. Outdoor? Yes yes an outdoor pool so then so it's out of use for 10 months yeah is it drained during the other 10 months or i don't

think it was and then when i went swimming the first time i'm like i itch you from the water is this your first time ever living somewhere with a pool yeah that was like my dream as a kid yeah you wanted like that would have been the best thing in the world of course yeah we'd be required can we get a pool no you don't just get a pool what what about the above ground one come on yeah because wasn't that like the big plot point in Christmas Vacation was that he was going to get a pool? Yeah. And like, I don't know, it wasn't even an option where I, because it, well, yeah, you would have been able to use it for two months. And then it would have had to been drained.

But he'd be in it every day. Like when you think about it. Yeah. For those two months. Yeah. And then like, it's not like you're using your yard in the winter anyway. You're not. No, that's true.

I mean, I didn't use my yard ever. If I look back, the yard was mostly, that was the dog's domain. And I had a friend who had a pool. Right. And so that was good. And, like, I think that's what parents need to learn is if you're not going to have a pool, make sure your kid makes friends with somebody who has a pool. In our neighborhood neighborhood growing up, my sister had a friend who had an indoor pool.

What? Were her parents drug dealers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend did too. The Chapos. Mr. and Mrs. Chapo and their daughter Caroline. That was my friend, Malinsky. Oh, yeah.

Indoor pool, yeah. So, like, but then you need a whole part of your house that's just dedicated to pool. And then that whole downstairs area, I don't know if they, it smelled, it smelled like pool. Of course. Like, the whole rest of that downstairs. Like, if you go into a community center that has a pool, the whole building smells of pool. Yeah. It smells of pool half a block away.

That's true. Yeah, you're you're like what fun times are coming and like you smell of pool all day long oh i love that it's bad like the hillcrest because it has oxygen something what is that oxygenated it's an oxygenated pool sure well the big uh the thing that happened i don't know when it came out like saltwater pools became like the aquatic center yeah that became popular at some point but then i think they were like it disinfects nothing we're going back to poisonous poisonous chlorine you can still pee in the pool yeah uh oh i uh a shark started living in this pool now there's salt water we don't know how he got in there, but. A lot of people kept bringing their pet fish they didn't want anymore,

dumping it in the pool. Yeah, like when we were kids, we just had to go to the gross community pool, and that was it. Or the lake. Ugh. Ugh. God. Yeah, that's as gross as it gets.

So squishy. So squishy, and often leeches would be in the lake that was near our place. Yeah. I don't, I've never known leeches to exist outside of Stand By Me. Yeah. I just remember like one, it was so hot and wanting to like just be in water. And so my mom took us to the lake. But then there was a big warning that was like, don't stand in anyone's place too long because they're allegiance.

So it was fine to swim, but you couldn't just like stand in the water because then like. Did you go in? That's why they called it stand by me. Yeah, I did. I swam. Okay. But, you know, when you're swimming in a lake and then something brushes against your foot and then you panic and you nearly drown because it's the elko pogo yeah

yeah yeah yeah it's or or uh you know it's just some plant or garbage or nessie right yeah because you can't see down to the bottom like oh yeah i'm fine even in uh kids pool the big one it's like 137 meters if i go swimming then i'll be like what if there's a shark that's all right yeah that scared me your feet i thought it was a cat speaking of sharks you're scared of cats now too yes um and uh how long have you been living in this swanky new place? Since December And all by your lonesome? Well, my two dogs, but yeah

So when did you first go in the pool? December 2nd No swimming, I'm like, we'll check out that It's Britney Spears' birthday, I gotta celebrate it somehow You have to, with a cannonball. She would have wanted me to do this. And there's no way to ask her. May she rest in peace.

Do you bring the dogs into the pool with you? No, I want to. Yeah, of course you do. Someone comes in, I'm just swimming with both of them. I'm like, hello. There's all these rules, though. The minute I saw the rules, I was like, these need to be broken. It's like.

Pool rules. Yeah. Only two people, like, guess. No food, no booze, all this stuff. I'm like. No food is, that's, I agree with that. But no food on the deck? Yeah.

Oh. But also no food in the pool. Gross. Come on. Who doesn't have a bath with, like, a hot dog? Yeah. Who doesn't? Oh, man. If it's like a, you know. Footlong. Come on. Gross. Come on, who doesn't have a bath with a hot dog? Yeah, who doesn't? Oh, man. If it's like, you know.

Footlong, come on. How a 50 meter pool, you gotta get a 50 meter party sub. Chili hot dog. You can't have a floaty. What? If you leave your floaty there, it will be destroyed. I was like, come on!

It will be destroyed. I was like, come on! It will be destroyed. I then pictured I leave it there by mistake, I get drunk or something, and then it's outside my place. I cut up like, fuck you, Jane! I get drunk. That's rule number one. I broke it. I broke it. Yeah, you gotta break that

one. You came here today with your own water bottle. I'm not gonna question what's in it. Is that pool water? I love it. I just have to be in it all the time. No floaties though. Come on. Is that a very small pool?

No, it's actually bigger than the normal little tiny ones. How big is the fence around this pool? Could I climb this fence and get into the pool? Could Dave? More to the point. Could Dave climb this fence? Dave I climb, could I climb this fence and get into the pool? Could I? Could Dave? More to the point, could Dave climb this fence? Dave could, you couldn't.

Damn it. You know I'm a good climber, right? You're a really good climber. But there's pools every single apartment in Carisdale.

Like within my block, there's like four pools. And no one under the age of 80 lives there. I'm around 82, so it's pretty good. What are your, are your uh elderly folk uh no no two away yes two away the good place to go borrow sugar yeah yeah or yarn or die um and uh what you like i only knew you to have one dog

When did the second dog show up on the scene? It happened by mistake So dog one is named Rusty Yeah Loosty Lulu Lulu Yeah

You got there And the second one is named Hoffman Yeah Where did Hoffman come from? Same person that I got Lulu from But from Taiwan Okay well We need to go back about lulu yeah

from la right she was in a gang uh-huh and she just wanted a different life oh i see okay yeah so you had her tattoos removed yeah no i kept them oh cool to remind her yeah and but lulu was like living on the streets of LA. Okay. Would you say you rescued her or I don't know, vice versa? You're a dink. I'd say we both rescued each other. There it is. There's love.

Yeah, I wanted a Nikita and I got a dog that looks like a rat. Wait, you wanted a Nikita before? Yeah. A Nikita got a dog that looks like a rat so wait you wanted an akita before yeah an akita is what it's like a 80 pound like husky german shepherd looking dog right is it like a mountain dog yeah that kills bears or something yeah yeah uh so what where were you gonna get an akita from i don't know One that had been just living on a mountain? Yeah. Okay. Go up Grouse Mountain.

But how did you end up with Lulu in the first place if you wanted an Akita? I don't know. You didn't want it bad enough? Yeah, I didn't wish it. And then Michelle worked at like a dog store. Now, we've not met Michelle before. This is a character you're adding to the story? This is my friend.

She's here right now. And I don't know why you're putting your feet on her. Michelle Shaughnessy. She worked at a dog store. They were having like an open house dog rescue thing. And there was a whole bunch of dogs there. And me and Lula locked eyes. And it was game time.

I know a few people who have dogs rescued from specifically from la yeah yeah my brother's dog is also from la because people just literally stop on the highway and just are like get out of here yeah such a car culture there um yeah and she had mange she was missing like more than half her fur. She looked horrific. So this is my question is, because dogs used to just live by themselves before we came around. They still do. Yeah. But like, how do these dogs, how? Because it seems like they always get mange or are sick or.

Well, she was on the streets. Yeah. But shouldn't a dog, isn't that where a dog should thrive? Garbage everywhere. that's where she thrives now like i was just at the dog park yesterday and she ate a veera burger she took it from a dude like i was like don't and he's like it's fine and then she just was like but she's six inches tall yeah why was his burger because he was on the ground at a dog park people are weird people are the worst with that.

That's disgusting. People will have picnics in the middle of a dog park. It's so weird. What, really? There's so little place that's like a legal dog park in the city. I'm so glad you're in the state. I'm always like, what is this, a dog park? They're like, is it? I'm like, signs everywhere.

There's dogs just trying to get the food. For every 10 parks, there's one that is, you're allowed to have your dog off leash. Right. So dogs swarm these places. And then some idiot will be like, I brought a whole picnic. I'm going to put cheese out. I'm going to lay out different cheeses.

I may, Ooh, I got a thing of a charcuterie. This is $800 worth of meat on a platter. Yeah, this is like an $800 dog trap. Trout Lake, because that's

off leash too, Lulu's there, put her nose up and took off. Trout Lake's the worst because it's one big park but only a very small

part is off leash and people will just sit down there and oh, charcuterie. This guy like threw her off he was doing exactly what

I mean a picnic in the dog part like in the grass area and he like threw his like your dog I'm like all the dogs

were all over him and then she went to a guy barbecuing in the same area and she ate six hot dogs good he's like

oh I thought this dog was homeless it was yeah Lulu retained that homeless hot dog. Good. He's like, oh, I thought this dog was homeless. It was. Lulu retained that homeless instinct. Yeah. And then how did Hoffman? Hoffman was I wanted a terrier.

Is he a Nikita? Yes. No, he's a Wheaton White Schnauzer. You wanted a terrier. Yeah. So you no longer wanted an Akita. No. How come? Because they're just big.

Yeah. They're mean. I hate to break it to you. We have an Akita behind the door here. Yeah. And he loves swimming pools. Okay. I would take him.

Yeah. Of course you would. You're, it seems like you're going to end up with a, quite a team of dogs. You're like, where's Jane? Up in Whitehorse. I'm doing the, I did a rod. I didn't, where's Jane? Up in Whitehorse. I'm doing the I did a rod. I didn't a rod. No?

No. I don't a rod? Don't a rod. I did a rod. You did a rod. We all did a rod for I did a rod. Good for us. Yeah.

Why did you adopt a second dog? I don't know. His picture was on the lady's Facebook page. I contacted her. His picture was on a wanted poster. And I thought, love at first sight. And they met. They were fine.

So then I took him for the weekend. And I was like, okay, yeah, he's good. But he didn't know English commands. Like, I forgot he was from Taiwan. So I was like, I think he's deaf. I don't know what's wrong with him. And then I went to return him and on her facebook page her daughter had killed herself so i couldn't like send a message

like hey you know that dog that dog's a dud i couldn't do that yeah so i uh kept him and then i liked him so i'm like he's good. So did you learn Taiwanese? Yeah. Yeah. Well, go ahead. No. Or did you retrain him? Or is he just a wild animal?

There's no commands. He's so dumb. He's the dumbest dog in the world. Tell us what is not the dumbest thing he's ever done, but like the second dumbest. He's looked at me when i've called him and ran into the wall what's the uh the weirdest thing he's eaten a diaper he would yeah no would he would if he had to i'll send you home with a diaper we'll see okay um well congratulations on your many dogs thanks yeah i like the story of him running into a wall.

That's very cute. Yeah. That is very dumb. That would be like a good way in a movie. It's hard to tell if they're deaf, though. Right? Because our dog, Grandpa, has gone deaf in the last couple of years. And sometimes you just don't know if he's ignoring you or he's being a brat.

Yeah. Or if he's actually deaf. But it's when brat. Uh, but, or if he's actually deaf, but like, it's when he would ignore things that we know he loves. Like when we would, you know, just jingle his, his collar.

He used to come running and now he's like, I didn't, sorry. I just didn't hear you. I apologize. I, had I known, I don't read lips.

I don't read, uh, you know, crazy black lips. He's got the big black lips. Well, why would he read? Yeah, it didn't come out right, and I don't feel great about it. But, you know. Isn't it old age? Because when I came over, he was sleeping. And then he, like, looked up, and I had been there for maybe three minutes.

And he's like, oh. Oh, yeah. And there's things that like, I don't know if he hears the doorbell anymore or if he just doesn't care. Cause he used to freak the freak out. Yeah. Yeah. Like bark.

And he also, but he still does a thing. And whenever I come over, he knows that then somebody else is also coming over. So then he kind of, he has his guard up. Yeah. He's kind of pacing back and forth. And then, but even that slowly over time has then he kind of, he has his, his guard up. Yeah. He's kind of pacing back and forth.

And then, but even that slowly over time has, he's like, he'll do it for a bit and then he'll just go sleep. Remember when he used to just jump up and like tap you in the testicles. Yeah. Yeah. He'd always like come run over and punch me in the nuts.

I remember when he used to hump that big toy thing you had. Yeah. Oh yeah. And he'd like look at you when he did it too. I'm like, what are you doing? Yeah, he'd wait until company came over and then he put on a big floor show. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. And I don't know if maybe he grew out of it or we just got rid of that thing. Like, hey, maybe we can nip this in the bud. Yeah. Instead of him, when he rips it to shreds, we don't repair it. Is that what you guys were doing? We used to, Abby would sew up, like he rips it to shreds, we don't repair it. Is that what you guys were doing?

We used to, Abby would sew up, like would restuff it. Oh my God, you guys are so nice. I throw away stuff that like Lulu and them like rip up. I'm like, gone. Yeah. I throw it away. We have our children's stuff to throw away now. Yeah.

Oh yeah. I like that you had a post on Twitter or something. Someday I look forward to throwing all of this away. Because we're now on a cycle of like this stuff. The two-year-old, when she's done with it, the six-month-old will play with it later. But then when she grows out of it, you're out of here. Yeah.

Everything's got a ticking clock on it now my uh neighborhood is really like the back alley is a real drop off kids stuff zone like not even people that live there like you just no no like i think people that live there but i don't know like there's always kids toys or kids like bike seats or whatever just like every day there's something new and then it's gone the next day so people are they're doing it it's a it's a working corner like we we've picked up free stuff that we just see yeah like toys yeah what are you gonna you know you wash it off and then like you're like they're gonna they're gonna hate this thing. Or not hate, but just... I hate Duplo! How dare you!

I mean, once you get introduced to Lego, don't you hate Duplo a little bit? Like, I've been playing with idiot Lego all this time. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Oh, guys! We are clicking along here. Oh, yeah. A couple of things are going on.

One is a couple weeks ago, I noticed that there were a couple of ants in our bathroom. Uh-oh. And then. But usually if there's only a couple, that's it. That means there's thousands. You're wrong. What? I'm getting itchy.

Like, ugh. Well, the thing is, ants don't bother me. No. Because they don't bite like regular ants don't. Yeah. And they don't. Homeless ants do. They don't, you know, like get in your food or anything.

Or I don't, maybe they do. But like. Jane's getting real itchy over this. I think it's losing my mind. A lot. Like, I think like a little, like if I was in around some ants and I poured like, you know, an eyedropper of Coca-Cola on the ground, it would satisfy them for a week. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That kind of thing. And so we've had ants in the past and you just spray like vinegar and it kills because they lay down a like pheromone trail.

And so that's how they all know where to follow, where these pioneer ants have gone. And so real wagon training, the vinegar kills the smell. And apparently, so that worked a couple of years ago. And then I also, maybe I did,

maybe I didn't pour a bunch of hot water on some ant hills. Uh, Oh yeah. Look, there's no proof. I did, maybe I didn't pour a bunch of hot water on some anthills. Oh, yeah. Look, there's no proof I did anything. That's right. But then this year, they started coming in the bathroom and coming in the kitchen. And there were a lot. And you would get rid of a couple and then a couple more. But never like hundreds.

Yeah. But just like two every hour. Right. But that was too many. So I, I looked up online the best, uh, ant killer. Yeah. Or, and it's these traps that has, have this poison that they can't resist and they take it back to the nest. The little circle guys?

Yeah. Yeah. And they, they chomp on it and they feed it to everyone back at the nest. Yeah. And then they, they're all wiped out in a week. it and they feed it to everyone back at the nest yeah and then they they're all wiped out in a week and the like i found this website that reviewed 50 different ant things and only one of them like the of the five star ones only one of them was available in canada can you imagine being the proprietor of that website he's a former uh exterminator oh okay so he's like i'm retired now i want to i want to spread i want to

spread my knowledge yeah i don't know if he retired or he just got a better job um so he uh so you go so i i was looking at i went to like the home depot website to see if they had it they didn't have it i went to the canadian website. It said they had it at my local Canadian tire. And so I went there and by the time I was there, it was gone. And so I checked their website and it said this other Canadian tire across town had it, I drove across town and it, uh, then I went to their like in-store computer to see what aisle it was in and it was like, we have 25 of them.

So I went there and there were none. So is our city being overrun with ants? And I asked a lady who worked there. And I was like, it says you have these and you don't have them. And she was like, yeah, I don't know if you know this, but Vancouver is just filled with ants. What? But I was like, there's an outbreak of ants right now. Yeah.

Oh, boy. And I was like, yeah, but the computer says you have them. The ants have been getting into the computer. What do you say? You went to there's no stuff to kill ants at these places. This specific brand. What is it? DDT?

You're like, they're bringing it back. I think it was Tero, T-E-R-O was the name of the brand. What is it? DDT? You're like, they're bringing it back. I think it was Tero, T-E-R-O, was the name of the brand. The name you can trust in ant poison. It was short for terror. And so she, but she was just so condescending, like, I don't know if you know this, but the city's just filled with, like, I know it is. That's why I drove across town to get this specific one that you said you had. Yeah, what do you think? I'm a tourist and this is...

And she was like, well, come back tomorrow. We're getting a shipment in and we're going to have more tomorrow. I was like, when? Like, you won't put any aside for me? She wouldn't? And she's like, we have these other brands but this is the one that was on the website i liked so i uh i got this other stuff and it works great yeah i uh just spray it and then all these ants like like go like they're like deer feeding at a

uh is it the it the little goo? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I had ants too. You guys are killing me. I had ants and termites. Oh, no, you didn't. Did you?

No, I didn't. But I did have ants. And they were like, unlike Dave's two by two formation, this was hundreds of them all the time, always. Like in your house? Yeah, like they were, and I was doing all the things that you're supposed to, and I did the vinegar thing, and they were like.

Give them sugar. I was giving them as much sugar as they could handle. And then my landlord gave me the drops, the goo drops, gave me some of the traps. Those traps they didn't go for. The goo drops they went for for in a big way like we only had a couple at a time but when the when the goo came out they were like yeah it's like a like a water hole yeah yeah the greatest and then but then i feel like one guy must have been like wait wait wait. Why is he giving us so much delicious goo? So then they stopped eating the goo.

No. And then I had to go to like, you know, Defcon 5. Burn them. No, I did. I lit the house on fire. I got a really big magnifying glass. But I just, I was, like, it became like watching a nature documentary because I was watching them to see where they were coming in and going out. And then there was a tiny crack in the wall and I just stuck the can nozzle in there and just emptied the can into the wall.

And boy, oh boy. Did you do machine gun sounds as you were doing it? Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee. Did they come back after that? No, that was it. Okay, good. Yeah, it was a real apocalypse for them. Apocalypse when?

Then. Okay. Yeah. Not now because, you know, knock on wood, I don't have them right now. Were you ever sleeping and it was like on your face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was where I was like okay you have broken i was fine when you were at the front door that's fine yeah yeah that's any bug's domain yeah but my bed is for me only oh god you don't

want to wake up with it like on you yeah no no the other thing okay all right so about a week ago we ran out of my favorite mustard And it's hot dog and hamburger season Yeah absolutely it is So good There's this Swedish mustard called Holtberg That we brought back from Sweden And it's a little bit sweet

Yeah I can't find anything quite like it here Yeah It's still a yellow bit sweet. Yeah. I can't find anything quite like it here. Yeah. It's still a yellow mustard, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, not some crazy mustard. It's not spicy.

It's just got a little, it doesn't even taste that mustardy. It's great. It's the greatest. It's just real nice. And we ran out, and I posted a thing on Twitter saying, hey, anyone who has, like, good mustard recommendations, mail me some mustard. Now, this bit of mail is a standard business envelope. So I put our podcast address on this tweet.

And if you need to, if you would like to send me some mustard, don't do what this guy did. But what you should do is just go to MaximumFun.org. On the episode recap, I always put our mailing address there. So send me mustard. Love mustard. But I don't really like mustard across the board. Send me a mustard you think I'll like and yeah yeah yeah like an experimental mustard so this person this criminal sent me a letter this is a guy named gerald r from port moody, BC. Maybe I'll give your whole address, you piece of shit.

So, dearest David, as per your tweet dated June 15th, 2017, I'm sending you some sweet mouse turds. Oh! I'm sorry. Oh my god! No, not cool. Not cool. What do you think those are? Do you think they're really?

They look like mouse turds. Don't. I'm not going to open it. There's a Ziploc bag with what appear to be mouse turds. No, that looks like some sort of like seasoning or something like that. It looks like bacon bits. It does look a bit like bacon. What? You had mice?

Yeah, I had mice in my last place, and that is not mousetards. And you're like, Jane, and I put them in the Ziploc bag, and I still have them. Yeah, that's some sort of like... Yeah, mousetards are... Okay, I'll look.

I don't want to, but I'm going to. Mousetards are like grains of rice. I thought it was going to be... They're uniform. Mustard in like a saran wrap. I thought it was going to be a packet of mustard from like a, you know, to-go place. My eyes were sleepy that day, so I had my great-grandmother Rowena read me your tweet, as I do most times when you tweet.

Her shaky old voice seemed urgent. Blah, blah, blah. I'm a piece of shit. I can't believe he admits it in the letter. Don't send me this, guys. This is not cool. I don't like this at all. This is not the kind of humor we do on the

show uh i'm i'm not i'm just disappointed and mad i'm not mad i'm just disappointed but that fucking sucks i'm that that's the worst don't do that um feel free to just ignore that ignore my tweets yeah yeah yeah don't uh you know but yeah if you do have an interesting yeah this is the kind of thing i have to deal with i thought every day of my life in like a like just a little taste for you of like hey here i got it but you don't get it like in a little saran wrap yeah yeah that would have been mean too that would have been equally mean my life is just people finding ways to be mean to me is that true yeah poop in the mail i mean i don't know if it's real i don't send it to the lab yeah i have this labrador retriever who sniffs all my mail um so you know

uh it's ants and rodent poop that's my life oh. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And what a life. Mm-hmm. I'm blessed. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, Graham? Yes, sir? What's going on with you, mon frere? Um, well, two, uh, two things.

Today, I'm, uh, this evening, I'm doing a preview show of my friend's show, uh, that will be over in Toronto by the time this comes out. What time wins the last Toronto one? The 16th, I think. Oh, why do you stay in Toronto so long? Well, I go there on the 4th, and then I'm there until the 16th, and then I go to... Winnipeg?

Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to figure out our schedule. Oh, boy, I know. Anyways, at Little Mountain, if you want to have booze or whatever, you have to go buy it and bring it to the Little Mountain. And they used to have, like, a shopping cart. Wait, what do you mean?

Oh, if you want to. As a show. As a show. Yeah. If you want to have alcohol. Right. If you're attending a show, you're not encouraged. No, no, no. Yeah, no. uh yeah so i'm putting on a show so i had to go pick up beer and uh they

used to have a shopping cart but i don't know i guess maybe it is gone so i was like i'll just carry it and in man oh man it was mr bean time and this was two blocks uh two blocks but it and it wasn't the weight as so much as it was the balance because they were like well we'll put some of it in a flat and some of it in bags i was like yeah that'll be fine and uh honest to god like it was it was like the flail i was flailing how many cans of beer i'm assuming that's all this was yeah this was just cans of beer. I'm assuming that's all this was. Yeah, this was just cans of beer. I would say altogether like 48. How much is in a flat? 48. 48.

24. One flat. One flat. So 48 altogether. Why did they just give you two flats? I don't know because she seemed to think it would be easier to carry if it was one flat and then bags. And I was like yeah yeah and we've been doing this a long time you know yeah exactly so it was at one point one of the

bags ripped open and cans flew everywhere and that's a a street that people love to just pick up dropped liquor on and a lot of very kind citizens helped to collect all the cans and uh so then my what i did was i hid half of the cans in one of those uh newspaper boxes a free one right yeah yeah yeah no one's opening that and then you came back yeah then i came back it was all still there did anyone did you look around as you did that? Oh, yeah. I bet you there was at least 20 people watching. Because I was like a busker.

Like, woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Dropping cans everywhere. Oh, man. So you can see on my wrist, this is where the plastic bags were hanging. Oh, my God. So, yeah, it was a real... I mean, you was a real I mean You know what

Oh boy I mean There's a thousand solutions To this Oh yeah absolutely Well I mean The bag thing Bring your own bags

Yeah BYOB Or you know Get a skateboard Push them on a skateboard Get a local skateboard kid I'll give you a free beer If you skateboard this beer Back and forth

Make two trips Oh yeah I was As I was uh as i was doing this i was like this if my dad could see me right now he's lazy man's love he's absolutely that's uh he'd be so disappointed i mean and then he would be laughing because it was so it was so comical and i dropped so many of them on the ground did they break yeah yeah several of them that did that thing where it's sprayed yeah yeah like this it very much was like it was like mr mean goes to buy alcohol for his friend you're just a kid you you don't know better that's right you're not a grown man no no no no anyway so it was very dumb it was very dumb

and uh you know i now i know to uh not do that again get more bags but the newspaper box thing i thought was a stroke of brilliance because halfway through i was like i'm not gonna make it yeah um what else is going on uh the other thing that happened because that did not eat up enough time no no the other thing that happened is uh so i used to go to the uh flea market like at least once a month and sometimes i would go like almost like a weekly basis but ever since you got these ants the whole flea market thing yeah exactly it's like too many bugs in my life um used to be not enough um and uh so i decided to go down to the flea market i had to go to long mcquade to uh rent some cables okay so i went and it's right across the street it's long mcquade and then the flea

market so i'm like make an afternoon of it long and mcquade where the music begins i don't know that i know that song but it's good um long mcquade on a saturday afternoon is that's the place to be yeah it's for people who don't know it's basically the canadian equivalent of guitar center or whatever now does sam ash does guitar center also rent i don't know because this is the great thing about long mcquade is i called to ask like how much would these cables cost to buy and they were like and they're about you know fifty dollars each or whatever and i was like how much to rent and they were like four dollars a4 a month. I was going to say, they're so cheap for rental stuff. They're ridiculous.

So I was like, okay, I'll come down. I'll rent these cables. Go into the Long McQuaid. They've got tons of instruments for you to be able to boo-boo-bop-bop-bop. Bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. And they were having their employees, I guess in shifts just like jamming out in the middle of the store. They're all in bands, most of them. Of course.

100%. Yeah. Yeah. So there was a guy singing, I think originals. And then Long and McQuaid, where the music begins. Was it his thing, that one? Yeah. That was his encore.

Because we demanded an encore. That was his encore. Because we demanded an encore. And then when I was going to check out, I looked out the kind of the back doors, and it was like, there was like a barbecue all set up. And I was like, what's that? And they're like, it's free hot dogs today at Long McQuaid. So I went and got a veggie dog, and I ate it in the parking lot, and they were playing heavy metal music in the parking lot.

So what a day, right? So how was the flea market? So I get to the flea market. Let's keep talking about Long Island Quaid. Yeah, yeah. This was like my dream place to go when I was a teenager. Oh, yeah. It was like a Saturday afternoon there.

This was back when music was music. Man, this was the glory days of the 90s. Yeah, yeah. A young Destiny's Child had just barely broken onto the scene. You couldn't rent stuff back then because you were a 15 year old and you didn't have

a visa. But what you could do is buy one of those tiny little Marshall amplifiers that you can clip onto your belt and pay for it with coins. How many coins does that say? Well, I mean, it was $65,

I think after tax. So it wasn't all coins, but there were coins in it. The, uh, yeah, I don't know. I just think like long and quiet is like,

you can go and put on, play electric drums, and you can, like, make them all sound like different lasers. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Did you do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like whenever there's a science museum

or a music museum that lets you play the instruments, except those are super crowded and, like, you have to wait. Yeah, Long McQuaid. You just go right up to these guitars pull them off the wall and shred buddy did they think you were in a band yeah i assume that graham and i are in a band yeah yeah no i have a whole podcast i know we're legitimate musicians you are

graham plays a drum Yeah Do you literally Pew pew pew Didn't you see me He plays laser drums If you did That would be the best Pew pew pew But there's no drum there And you're like I'll buy this one

Pew pew He's been here for hours He's trying to laser off His mustache With these laser drums Go give him a hot dog They're not doing a promotion. They're like, just get them out to the parking lot.

Lock the doors. Whack you with a stick. You're like, I'm a vegetarian. Are you kidding me? You don't look it. So then I went to the flea market and I ran into a guy that I hadn't seen for a long time. And we chatted very briefly. I guess he's a regular flea market guy. Ran into a guy that I hadn't seen for a long time. And we chatted very briefly.

I guess he's a regular flea market guy. And then he writes a Facebook status that says, like, ran into the ever hilarious Graham Clark. He's not as funny offstage as he is. I'm like, what? I'm getting reviewed on small talk now. Wow. Yeah. And he didn't, he said you were hilarious. He didn't mention what a great musician you are. No, no, this was at the flea market. I know, but you're a

famous musician. Yeah, that's true. I am a famed musician. Uh, geez. Yeah, I know. So now I'm like, oh boy. You're gonna be on 24 7. I gotta bring the drums everywhere. work on a new conversation five you should have uh you know redirected him to a post of as to why you weren't so funny because your friend's dog's former owner killed her and she can't return this dog um so that was

weird have you ever had that something like that happened where somebody's like it's like a compliment but it's not that wasn't a compliment yeah no one's ever mean to me uh but like with a with what you're reading it you're like well it seems like there's a compliment buried in there but it's mostly surrounded by a field of insight right but there's no such thing as bad press yeah that's true i mean this felt like bad press does he know you guys are facebook friends too is the weirdest part about that did he tag you yeah no he did yeah that's how i found it he's like ran into great yeah because otherwise i wouldn't have seen it trying to be funny? I don't know. Did he mail you feces?

No, he didn't mail me feces. Is that his name? Is it the same name as the poop man? No. No. Okay. But yeah, anyways, I was like, huh, so now Small Talk is now on the table for being... Reviewed?

Yeah. And the reviews are in. They are not, guys. Oh, I'm awful at small talk. Well, but, you know. But, like, the reviews for me would be like, hey, suddenly got super sweaty when I started talking to him. Had a meeting to go to.

Yeah, acted like we were on an elevator, but we weren't. Pretended they were on their phone. I'd be like, ugh, I gotta go. I gotta take this. Oh, that would be just the worst pretended they were on their phone i'm like i gotta go i gotta take oh that would be just the worst if they were just like like if you got yelp reviews on your small talk oh god dave accidentally made eye contact with me and then quickly looked away graham started strong but uh his closer of okay bye was uh left me uh unfulfilled the jane made a fart noise i hope noise

uh yeah so that's uh that's what's uh been going on with the with me do we uh want to move on to some overheards i think we are ripe for it buddy following the news is hard and it sucks how do you know which stories are important which sources do you trust in this post-truth world of reactionary journalism i'm brett black and i'm travis mccleroy and we host a podcast called trends like these we cover trending news stories we debunk misleading clickbait headlines. And we always try to throw in a little bit of good news. In our quest for truth. So join us every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found.

Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at MaxFunStore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? MaxFunStore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Overheard. Overheard is a segment in which we hear things out there. Out there in the great blue yonder. And then we come back into the not as blue yonder.

And we share them. And we always like to start with the guests. Jane, would you please? I will. I have two. Okay. I was on the ferry coming back from Nanaimo. And it was beautiful.

And these two girls walked by me, teenagers, and they were like deep smelling. They're like, bacon. I love bacon. I want to marry bacon. And then they ran around. And every time they went by me, they're like, bacon. It was the best thing ever. How old were these girls?

Like 16, and they weren't stoned either. Were they supervised? Like, was there an't stoned either. Were they supervised? Like you could someone have, was there an adult there to maybe buy them some bacon? I don't know. I think there's something pretty intoxicating about being a teenager on the ferry. Especially if you're with like a group and it's like two adult supervisors and you just can do whatever the fuck you want. I think it was probably more when we were younger because you were like let's go to the fucking arcade and blow my corners now it's like the video games are on their phone no but i've been on the ferry where like a group of teens

start singing some song from frozen or some shit you're talking about like a choir was on the yeah yeah but that's teens look have you ever seen the show Glee? Those were all teens. She's my teen choir mama. Is that what you sing in choir? It's a meta song about falling in love with a girl from your choir. Teen choir mama. And she knows the oohs and ahhs. She sings tra-la-la all the time because she's a mama.

And she's in the choir with me. And we know our different parts. She's a soprano, I'm an alto. Clap interlude. Cha-cha-cha. Guys, I'm very good at singing and making up songs on the spot. Yeah. Now, I think that, is Margot at the age yet that she can appreciate that you're making up songs about things?

No, she's into knowing. She doesn't know enough songs. Right. So if ever we're listening to a song that gets her attention at all, she wants to know the name of it. Right. What's this song called? She needs to know the name of everything. Yeah.

She's at that point of her life, which I guess is... What do you call that? She's just gathering intel. But she'll sit down and say, what's this called? Sitting. And then she'll sit on her knees. What's this called? Kneeling.

What about like this? Squatting. What's this? Crouching. What's this? And she'll be on one knee and I'm like, genuflecting. Proposing. Yeah.

Now, do you want to go around the horn and then do the other one Or do you want to do it Go around the horn My overheard Here's one that doesn't count So it's not going to be my overheard It was an overseen It was a food truck

It was called the proggery The proggery Yeah like the city in the czech republic prog yeah r y the proggery so prog so it doesn't what would you guess they make because goulash yeah something with paprika in it my my thinking is it's some it's just like meats, some sort of meats, because Prague is big on the meats. Well, I drove past, because I was going one way, and I ended up going back down the street the other way, because I got a better look at it. I was like, what is the Prague? What does it say?

Yeah, yeah. And then it says, authentic chimney cakes. What is that? It's more questions. It's either. You had to go. Did you not go closer? I was driving. Fuck.

Lean out the window. What's a chimney cake? Miranda car. Fuck. So I'm guessing it's either cake with smoke coming out of it. Oh, like the cake itself is the chimney. Maybe a cake that's got a hole in the middle. My thinking was that it was a cake that was prepared inside of a chimney.

Yeah, that would be. But why would that be any different than a cake prepared? I think it's like a rename for like a beaver tail. Oh, you think it's like a flat. It's just like a flat cake. It's not really a cake. It's more like a big donut. Aren't beaver tails delicious?

I don't know. I thought they had like Parmesan cheese on them, but like donut. Aren't beaver tails delicious? I don't know. I thought they had like parmesan cheese on them but they're donut like. Aren't they sweet? No. You're ruining my memories. Oh I'm right.

Oh really? This is a chimney cake. Oh. It looks like a chimney. Mm-hmm. Sure. What? Okay.

Chimney expert Jane. That doesn't look like a chimney. No but it's a vertical thing filled with stuff. Is it pastry? And then what in the inside? Like gooey stuff? Yeah, some sort of gooey duck.

A gooey duck. These people invested, that's all they're selling is chimney cakes? Yeah. Yeah, but they're authentic. They're going under. Buey Authentico. All the way from Prague. This one's empty.

Empty cake. Oh, it's like a donut. Fine. A donut chimney. Now, you said that one doesn't count? Oh, I guess I did. The other thing I saw was a piece of graffiti. This was above Hasty Market on Main Street,

which people frequently change to Nasty Market. All the time. That is, like, it's been going on for years. So much so that they seem to have a removable H on there that they just, like, plaster over top. I honestly think they do. And the, but it was someone had gotten on top of the building and spray painted this like skull guy. And he's got a thought bubble. And he's saying, or he's thinking, wet dreams rule.

Oh, man, that skull guy's saying what I've been thinking. Or he's thinking. Or he's dreaming it. Yeah, wow. I mean, they do. They're the best you can have have dreams are amazing if you can remember but a wet dream i mean they're the tops ladies don't do you get is there an equivalent is that when you pee yourself yeah yes the chicks will cream yeah yeah um i think i've had one

yeah yeah right i i do i do most of my work before i go to sleep in my tea i drain this one because i was having uh like you know when you get the sex talk from your from everyone as your male grand parents and then school does it and then people pull you aside and they're like hey by the way you way, you can have nocturnal emissions. Yeah, put your dick in this chimney cake. But like that was one of the things was you'll have these wet dreams. And I was like, all right, bring them on. And I think I literally had one.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, I didn't have a ton of them, but I wish. They're great. They're the tops, Jane. Of course they were. When you wake up from a dream, you're like, oh my God. But are they great when you live in a house with your parents?

No, but nothing is. No. Yeah. Except the free rent. Oh, so good. And food. Yeah. Free food and rent.

You're right. What am I complaining about? Mom and dad. You heard it here first. I'm moving back home. Yes. Mine's an overseen. And this lady, I'm going to say that she's like a character.

But I was eating at a diner. And this lady came in and the person, the waitress knew what to do. So this is something that happens all the time. So she sat down and the waitress brings over three Diet Cokes and three glasses filled with ice. And this lady, I was like, oh, I guess she's here first of her party of other two ladies who also are going to want Diet Coke. No. She opens the first one, pours it into the ice, and then just starts drinking it so fast. And is like stopping every couple of seconds to like.

She downs the first can. Does she have a book or anything? No. She's just there to do that. Yeah. No laptop. No nothing. she does she downs the first book or anything no laptop no nothing cracks the second one same thing cracks the third one same thing then gets up pays walks out there's like stores she can like go home and do this oh no but she likes it in the diner she likes the atmosphere I guess

I don't know I have tears character right yes and I was sitting right next to her like well like how fast

is she gonna drink these like not fast enough that I'm not getting disgusted by her like have you like I wonder if it's the same

every day or once a week like if you went back at the same time of day the next day would you have seen it yeah i feel like that's a good guess like it's probably also it's like every like sometimes the waitress is like we only have two dad cokes oh god go go go next door go next door yeah yeah like it's uh have you ever seen that uh it's like the twilight episode where the kid can blow up everybody's mind. So everybody's like, you're a great, what a great kid you are. Maybe she's like that. Maybe she's like a scanner, you know?

They know that she's got some sort of powers. No? Not right. That's 100%, she probably goes every day. Yeah. If they're good to go three glasses full like how long was she in and out i i was like without exaggerating i would say it was under seven minutes so like of course she was burping you had like half a cup you're like three yeah

and she was like staring off into the distance too. So this was like an endurance. Like this wasn't like pleasant. This was something she had to do. This is something that she had to do. For the devil. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So that was my overseen.

Jane, there's only one overheheard to left And it belongs to you You guys have really good overseens God Because we don't talk to people Because when I do I get poor reviews Yeah This was at

My papusa place And What's your papusa place? You got a guy? Yeah Oh yeah? Victoria and like 35th Okay

31st 35th I already forgot where it is Victoria and 35 is um table next to me this was yesterday these are adults my friend eats uh grass and sometimes put ants on top of it and i burst out laughing they saw i was like but they weren't joking this is They were talking about an adult person? Yeah. Or like a cow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's true. Was it a human?

No, they were very hippie looking. So it made sense. Like I burst out laughing and then I went, okay. I guess people are going to start eating bugs. Well, there's a like, it's definitely a thing. Isn't that like a thing? Yeah. Well, I mean like little snacky bugs.

But now there's like a movement towards, what was it? Cricket flour? Yeah. What are you talking about? It's, it's, well, you have celiac disease, don't you? Yes. And there's a type of flour made from dried crickets and it's gluten free and it's apparently

great. Full of protein. Full of protein. It's in my mind. It's a, uh, it like could solve a ton of nutritional problems totally renewable resource yeah if anything we have too many crickets yeah but after i tell my jokes i hear them all the time but i remember seeing a thing like uh maybe in like time magazine or something it's like bugs the future of meat and i was like why no

like why not just no like i just don't eat meat then if they're like well if you still want to eat meat it's gotta be bugs wouldn't be isn't that like jerky like crunchy it's not like meat yeah yeah but isn't that what all the hipsters are doing like they go to like parties or like restaurants I feel like New York and they're eating like crickets bumblebees be careful

it's gonna sting you bumblebees oh you forgot to shave this before you gave it to me or you can go to the candy store and get like

at a fancy candy store like a scorpion covered in goop yeah I'm guessing candy yeah from Gwyneth Pistrow's online store

um yeah but you know what's new in goop that i saw lately i've talked about earthing talked about yoni eggs she completely like on jimmy kimball she disavowed the the yoni egg what do you mean she was like i don know. Is that on my website? I was like, Gwyneth. How dare she? She's gotten people to go off about putting the eggs inside of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to talk about it. It's weird. A jade egg.

Someone was on a late night show and was like, I have one in right now. No. Yeah. What? You're not supposed to just go. Are you just supposed to walk around? No, you're not supposed to, but they're like, this is what I do. And if you do, it's good because it's like having a little secret yeah that's true but if you blab about it

on tv but yeah she said she something about and there was another thing that was like kind of an out there thing that she's like i don't i don't know like so now she's uh but there's like retreats and stuff where she is. It's all you buy her products and you go to this convention and you just drink water all day. You drink a lot of water. There's some crystal stuff that's going on and eggs. And then like a bunch of famous people,

they'd shoot eggs out of each other. Egg fight. Yoni wars or like those guys like you someone like catching the back of their in your mouth because that is not where mine that well that's where the sound effect

is the mouth yeah it's the theater of the mind i get it in the groin uh but yeah like at the end of the day like a bunch of famous women came out on stage like uh and talked about how great it is to be a... A yonier? Yeah. Where they all sing only the yoni. Yeah. What famous woman? Was Yoni Mitchell there? It was... I know one of them was Nicole Richie. Oh, okay.

No! Yeah, yeah, yeah. The actress? The actress. The actress, singer, memoirist. She wrote a book, a fiction book, bestselling author, Nicole Richie. No. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people around the world.

If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Doug. Just Doug from Harrisonburg, Virginia. And this is an overseen today we're driving to the outer banks north carolina and passed a farmer's market with the following sign pray for israel local asparagus no need to make two signs right these are the two things i'm into so you know what pray pray for one come in grab a grab some local asparagus and you know what people out there if you can eat local asparagus yeah don't don't get don't fly asparagus across country yeah yeah most most places you can grow it no problem it's a real hearty stock it's great in the summer Makes your pee smell great Yeah

Little bit of New Makes your pee smell new You can do it on the grill That's like a real fun Summer activity It's a great one Yeah

What do you do Right on the grill Or do you do it In a little packet In a little Like a little foil Foil A little foil

Right on the grill You can do it right on the grill Same as broccoli And also last summer I tried I know you did last summer yeah yeah yeah well yeah i murdered that guy well in fairness he was walking down a dark road i murdered that guy with my sexy teen friend yeah and i was uh i had a huge crush on jennifer love hewitt and so i wasn't paying attention what i was doing. Grilled watermelon. Oh, yeah.

I heard. Is it? And now you have ants. Yeah, I did it in my apartment. I put the hibachi on the floor as per my rental agreement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I do? I like to do is cut a peach in half and put that on the grill.

What? Never heard of that. Put it on a pork chop? Ooh, you're in fat city, buddy. Is it, does it cut into the sweetness at all, or is it just what does it taste like when it's grilled? Same? Sweet, yeah. A little

smokier. Caramelized? Ooh, that'd be a good one. Yeah. A smoky peach. That sounds like a good, that's a good name for like somebody's a nickname for a country singer. We call her the smoky peach. Oh yeah, I's a good name for, like somebody's a nickname for a country singer We call her the Smokey Peach Oh yeah, I thought it was maybe going to be like a shade of makeup

Oh yeah, better Okay This next one comes from Kiel, how would you pronounce it? K-I-E-L Yeah Kiel Kiel C Yeah. Keel. Keel C. Hey, guys. Was at a Mexican food truck waiting for food on one of the first sunny days in Portland. A family with a girl of about six showed up and ordered at the covered window. When the mom walked out into the sunny seating area, her young daughter stayed behind in the shade and wouldn't follow.

The mom became very upset and yelled at her, You aren't going to get burned. You are taking this vampire thing away too far. How much do you indulge some kids? I'm a vampire. I'm a wizard. Here's the thing. I mean, could we order a blood taco?

Yeah. Pretend that the sauce you're putting on it is blood. That's fun. Buy a bunch of beets. I think that would be like, it's hilarious at that age. What about that is hilarious. But what about when they have imaginary friends? Did you know anybody that had an imaginary friend?

No. Me neither. Did you? Oh, did you? No, I didn't. Well, no, but like, I would definitely, you know, not have like a permanent imaginary friend, but like, you know, you're playing by yourself and you're narrating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's normal.

I'm talking when like. Oh, Christopher's here. Yes. Yeah. Oh, what's Christopher's deal? Oh, he's sad. Oh, does that mean you're sad? Yes.

He would like you to give me more cheerios please there was kids at school right that you guys went that had the imaginary friend they were weird no okay no no it wasn't my school there was one kid at my school that always dug a hole no but every recess he would go out and he had like a little spoon that he had taken from home and he would just dig a hole. And then sometimes he would hit clay and then he would just go start on a new hole. I'm not going to get to China this way. What was, so the girl was six and she was into vampires? She thought she was a vampire?

Yeah. That's really young. But it's also like, if you can have a six-year-old girl who's not into princesses. That's great. That's a win. Yeah, that's true. But it's probably because, like, unless it's Elvira, Princess of the Night. Oh, six-year-olds don't get into Elvira.

That's like a 12-year-old girl. Mistress of the Night. Yeah. Hauntress of the Night? Mistress. She never settled down withvira. That's like a 12-year-old girl. Mistress of the night. Yeah. Hauntress of the night? Mistress. She never settled down with the night. She's not a hauntress? But she, yeah, she never married the night.

The night kept saying that the night was going to leave its wife and take up with her, but it never did. Who's the night married to? The sea? This last one comes from Nick in Connecticut. I was at a tractor supply store. Are you picturing it? Picture your favorite tractor supply store.

Oh, I'm picturing tractor supply store Connecticut. Gilmore Girls are on a tractor. Witty, pithy dialogue. This is an overheard an older couple arguing over hiring somebody to do something the older man said something like oh we don't need them me and so-and-so could do it to which the wife responded you and so-and-so you and so-and-so should row up Row up lazy river holding hands. What a great expression.

Yeah. Row up lazy river holding hands. That's like I'm all in favor of hiring. I'm all in favor of hiring a guy to do something. Yeah. Instead of you and that other guy doing something. Guess what? I'm going to screw it up worse than this guy could. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a. Oh, you're not afraid to use a drill you're hired i'm always afraid of using a drill around somebody that knows how to use a drill that's my big thing even a hammer i go too light yeah it's like harder and then i'm like i hit my i hit my thumb yeah because then i get cocky like I should hit it harder because people are watching. Yeah. But, like, sometimes you go to drill something and it's the reverse. Yep, always.

Oh, boy. And then you do this, like, drill, like, just goes off on its own. Oh, I knew that. No, it's okay. I have a backup camera on this drill. Guys, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. And if you want to call us, it's not so hard. You don't have to be afraid to do it.

Because it's pretty much just like calling anywhere else, except the numbers are different. Every phone has a unique number. And ours is 1-844-779-7631. Or 1-UGH-SPYPOD1, like these people have. Hi, this is Corey in Denver. This guy just biked past me, no hands, talking on the phone. And he was talking really loud, and he said, That's two bees with a D. it's two bees with a d that's two boobs

with a dick but he seemed really excited about it like it was the coolest ever he just thought that was pretty fun okay bye two bees with a d two boobs with a dick well but are you sure there was boobs how did how does she know those boobs she heard him saying two oh and then he said oh he said that yeah okay ah because yeah i was like two bees could be anything that's what i thought bitches yeah two bitches two boys two boys one dick yeah two birds with a dick. The D is always dick? Yeah, always. Well, the D is always. Right? You say the D?

It could be vitamin D. That's short for dick. That's why it makes you so happy. Two boobs, one dick, whatever. Next phone call. Hey boys, this is Kaylee calling from frederickton new brunswick on a visit to my old hometown for a funeral just walked through the old market and uh walked past a woman who said anyways i don't know what my kids put down that toilet but she does not work anymore Like, yeah, there's toilets are more finicky than I think we, I think like when you're young, you think toilets can handle anything.

They can't. They can't, right? Can I tell? Let's all do our toilet story. Yeah, let's all do our toilet stories. Go ahead. Go ahead, caller. I started a new job.

Wait a minute. Do we want to not allow this no you want this this is overseen and I should have done this I'm in the washroom this doesn't involve

you seeing poo nope and I was done and a co-worker came in and was laughing her head off I'm like hey

she's like you need to and she's flushing the toilet I'm like what she's like you need to see this no I don't want the rest of the story no you're gonna get it no it'm like hey she's like you need to and she's flushing the toilet i'm like what she's like you need to see this no i don't want the rest of the story you're gonna get it no it was like a baby's arm and i was crying i have a baby i know jane stop telling this story

so i took a picture of it why we're not putting it on the blog because i was gonna put it on chatter for work as a joke I said can I post this and ask who it was and she's like a tech person she's like yeah that sounds like good that'd be fine I'm like I would be fired for putting that on I'm like I was joking that's good for company morale

yeah who dis I'm like Prince Charming looking for my butt hole Cinderella Eh? Eh? I'm the prince Guys Um

We are Margo has flushed things that don't belong to her I was gonna ask Keys? No She took a watch And she flushed it down And then that night When she was asleep Went into her room and rocked her back and forth.

And I said, I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be. And then I got old. Yeah. And she became a young man. And then I called her and I said, I'll you forever i'll like you but i was too old and sick to finish it so she came over she rocked me back and forth very sweet she's she said i'll

love you forever i'll like you for always as long as i'm living my daddy you'll be and then she went up back to her house and she cradled her own newborn child in the same way that is a very sweet toilet love you forever my toilets forever the toilet is president of the president of the toilet there you go surprise twist at the end yeah um final overheard yes or yes toilet story well i have one it's not gross but when i first when i first moved out on my own i to me i thought you could scrape your dishes into the toilet and just flush them and you can until you can't and then the landlord comes over goes what has been going on here? And you go, I don't know.

Your toilet sucks. Your toilet seems to be taking my digested food and reconstituting it into real food. What were you putting in there? Scraps. Is this local asparagus? No, it's foreign asparagus.

But yeah, he, he, like, that was his only question. He was like, what have you been doing in there? I was like, that is none of your business. You are crossing the line, sir. Anything organic can go in toilet.

Yeah. An alligator will eat that half a steak I didn't eat. To answer your question, Margo put a, like a pretty big Batman down the toilet. But like, I think it could make it around the horn.

Yeah. I think it's gone. Go fight the penguin. Once it gets, it just needs to get a little bit out of the toilet. Yeah. And then it's gone.

It belongs to the sea. Here's your final overheard of toilet talk. Hey guys, my wife and I were out to eat last night in Tulsa and there's a group of early 20s girls, probably like freshmen or sophomores or something in college, and they were all talking to each other at this table about a friend who's getting married and they were asking if she's going to take his name, or is she going to hyphenate it, is she going to keep her last name. And the group of girls were going back and forth, giving each other their opinions on what was right.

One girl was saying, I'm going to hyphenate, another girl said, I'm going to take my husband's last name. And they were all shouting back and forth at each other, not really listening, until one girl said, I'm just not going to have a name. You know what? I'm out. As soon as I get married, I have no identity. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll just be referred to as her or that. Yeah. And there you go. If you need me, just motion towards me. Or snap. Yeah, I'll exist as more of an idea. Yeah. And there you go. If you need me, just motion towards me. Or snap. Yeah. I'll exist as more of an idea. Yeah.

What's her deal? She got married. Got married. Took up nobody's name. And yeah. Well, I mean, that's an option. If you got married, would you take a name? No.

No? Would you hyphenate? Jane Stanton. Jane. But share me. Stanton. Blah. would you take a name no no would you hyphenate jane stanton boshami stanton yeah is he married i don't think so i think he has children okay all right and the one goes together with yeah you can't believe that it's like love and marriage. Jane Stanton, thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me. You're in the Sirius XM satellite radio stand-up comedy extravaganza. Yes. Can people vote for you on the internet?

They can. How do they do that? They go to the interweb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get voting. But what do they do? They look at your picture and then they...

They look at the video and they say vote on the vote button. I don't know. You did it last year. What did they do? Do you know what the name of the website?

SiriusXM Top Comic. Top Comic. TopComic.SiriusXM.ca. There you go. Remember it. Exactly. Vote for Jane Stanton because then if you get through the next round, then you go remember exactly vote for jane stanton because then if you get through the

next round then you go to toronto where you can be humiliated in front of a thousand people instead of just a couple hundred right yes yeah um it's it's a real it's a real rush lordy really excited thank you graham yeah you're welcome uh and where can people find you online if they want to say hey hey hey is your pool is it open can i come running because you better go get uh on lady jane the third on instagram and then someone's doing my website right now so this is someone's doing why are we laughing I can't make it yeah I know but what what does that mean is there just like a picture of a construction guy coming soon yeah all right slow down what is it going to be jayne stanton.com no I don't want someone to take that. I don't plan to seed, Graham.

Yeah, just Google her, I guess. Jane Stanton. Jane Stanton. Yeah. Maybe that'll be her website, but probably not. Probably. Who's? Boo.

Why? Because somebody has it? Yeah. Who? Yeah. Is that another famous? No, it's a stupid actress from England. Oh, right.

Janice Tanton. Yeah. It's a weird spelling of janice but it's the same as jane janice tantin um do we have anything we need i think we might have a new t-shirt available at max fun store.com right now we might not and if not i'll just crop this right out of the show but if we got it it says it says it's a, it's a, it's in the style of those t-shirts that I see on Instagram that say, if you love, uh, never underestimate a tribe called quest fan, an old fan who loves a tribe called quest and was born in December. Yeah. Except ours says never underestimate a summer goth who listens to stop podcasting yourself and was born in December. Yeah. Except ours says, never underestimate a summer goth who listens to Stop Podcasting Yourself

and was born in December. Nice. And you know what? To all those summer goths out there, stay in the shade. Mm-hmm. You know,

this is your year, but don't go crazy. Don't go in direct sunlight. Yes. Say hi to Elvira, the hauntress of the night for us. And if you like the show out there, you should head over to MaximumFun.org.

Check out the blog recap. And go see Graham's live show in Winnipeg. Yeah, I'll be in Winnipeg. Instagram. Every night at a place called Wee Johnny's at 8.45 p.m. Straight across the board. None of this. One show in the afternoon.

One show this night. All the same time. And you can drink there too so hip hip hooray um uh you know check out the blog recap pictures and videos uh pertaining to this episode sure uh maybe a picture of the proggery yeah a picture of an akita an akita uh yeah uh a toilet um sorry about all the toilet talk yeah and you know i don't if you have it like we said before if you have a notion that it will be funny to send a thing that's not funny then just send it to yourself see how that feels yeah have a straight if a imagine a stranger

sending you something and uh imagine if that's mean yeah so yeah that's a good rule of thumb if you're like is this could this be mean now someone i didn't know sent me this and they didn't know i was not mean yeah if i didn't know me from anybody and also if you run into somebody you haven't seen in a long time, you know, it's fine to just go, well, that wasn't very good. Yeah, you don't have to review them. Yeah. And thanks for listening,

and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.