Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 488 - Kevin Banner

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Comedian Kevin Banner returns to talk engagements, puzzles, and drinking soap.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 488 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, speaking of 488, if he was going to be part of any Asian knife-wielding gang, it would be the Crazy 88s, Mr. Dave Shumka. Thank you. It's an honor Yeah yeah yeah Uh

Of all the crazy Knife wielding gangs Of all races Yeah that's true Cause I'm a Uniter And a I'm also a

Stabber Yeah A Unifer A Unifer Uh That's uh That's great company To be in

I'm I'm at a loss for words these days, buddy You know what? No words needed Of all the 88 references The Calgary Olympics Sure My piano playing abilities

Back to the Future Heil Hitler Pardon? Heil Hitler That's like online 88 Because it's HH It's an online thing Listen, you guys are going to have to

Play catch up here on racism. I know the frog guy. So, right. That's how did that become a thing? The frog guy became, yeah, I don't know.

Poor Pepe, that guy you're hearing that voice, a very racist man. Oh, okay. He is a favorite here on the podcast And his album just came out On vinyl Not just a regular old vinyl too

It's like a hot pink They put it out as a couch Yeah they put it out as vinyl siding A very funny comedian Mr. Kevin Banner is with us I'm back You're back The fog has lifted

The earth has shifted. Raise the gifted. You knew I'd be back, so pack your bone and hit the road, Jack, because daddy's home. Listen. Uh-oh. Yeah, we're going to quote some Kid Rock today. I didn't know if that was from wrestling. Yeah, I assumed it was from wrestling.

So did I, and I also thought it was just like, you know, early 80s DJ patter. No, Jive, i come alive like frampton i'm bigger than seinfeld's house in the hamptons anyway guys listen what song kid rock what song of kid rock uh get to the chorus i'm not sure which one that one was frampton bigger than seinfeld's house in the hampton but you ain't met a motherfucker who could do that yet. Oh, sugar. It's called who's going to give me some sugar tonight.

But I think that the sugar means Lady Who Who. Oh, because sometimes it means. Lady Who Who is my favorite rapper. She spits fire. I got more cookbooks than Jerry Seinfeld's wife. I got more cookbooks than Jerry Seinfeld's wife I got more white whatever

spectator shoes than Elaine Bennett I like to play tennis so these are all Seinfeld based rants yeah I mean that's the big rap reference I know these days

guys let's get to know us oh yeah absolutely get to know us that Oh, yeah, absolutely. That was real nice. Kevin. You. What's new? Nothing.

Come on. Thanks for having me. I'll see you later. I saw on Facebook that you have become enraged. I am constantly enraged. What's got your goat? What's stuck in your craw? What's boiling your potatoes? You missed the joke. I want 14 more

of those. We got two. My buddy back home, Big Dave, who I referenced I think on my first time on the podcast, he once combined two expressions and I think on my first time on the podcast, he once combined two expressions. And I think he thought of it like too literally. And he was trying to say whatever floats your boat. But he was thinking about literally like when your boat is floated, you are erect, I guess. So he said, whatever floats your cock boat.

I mean, first of all. Yeah. Whatever floats your boat, whatever turns you on. I know, but it... For a guy, what happens when you get turned on? Oh, he was going down the road. But floating your boat, there's no erect. Sure.

And whatever turns you on. What happens when you get turned on? What happens when I get turned on? Oh, man. It's crazy. This boat gets floated. The SS My dick The rest of my case

I was saying he got enraged Because he got Oh, he got engaged I got engaged That went way over my head Yeah Past guest of the show, Fatima Dore And you guys met through the show.

Yeah, that's right. You came on and it was like a blind date. Who were the people, the contestants? It was Fatima was one of them. The other one was Nicole Richie. And the third one was Dr. Joyce Brothers. Yeah. Yeah.

And you picked Fatima. I did. And we sent you to the Cheesecake Factory. I think we're getting one. Are we really? Yeah, there's two new things opening very soon. Not very soon. In a couple of years in Canada.

Cheesecake Factory, Gray Wolf Lodge. Oh, yeah. What's a Gray Wolf Lodge? Gray or great? Great. Okay. It's an indoor water park for children. Oh, okay. But it's like a whole hotel, so children run around on all the floors. It's an indoor water park for children. Oh, okay.

But it's like a whole hotel, so children run around on all the floors. It's like a casino. Oh, that sounds great. Yeah. Sign me up for a weekend. Coming to the Vancouver area. I think they already have them elsewhere in Canada. And what, here's a question, and I don't know.

What is at the Cheesecake Factory factory i've never been to one it's famous for its enormous menu it has everything oh really yeah so it's like he'll have the tacos and i said listen no uh we uh i rented a car the plan was like i planted favorite night i have a favorite do you not have a favorite knife i guess the butter knife gets a lot of play yeah all my favorite like but i don't have an all my favorite knives are kitchen knives like i don't have a favorite what what is your favorite knife buoy oh yeah good named after david buoy of course yeah uh yeah no uh i uh i planted the seeds of uh of the day in uh back in december i was like hey when it nice, we should rent a car,

drive up to Whistler, rent a convertible and drive up to Whistler, have a nice little day. And she said, that's a lovely idea. What, um, do you, uh, are you car people? I do have a car, but I wanted to rent a convertible. That was the whole plan. Cool.

So I, I rented, I, uh, reserved a convertible. So I went to pick it up and they didn't have it. And so they ended up giving me a BMW with a sunroof, which ended up being better because it was pretty hot that day. And just the sun that I got through the sunroof, I think was too much. Right. Anyway, drove up there.

And then on the way back, I was just looking for a spot to pull over near the water, near the river. So we pulled over near the water and in this spot there was nobody there. So that was good because every other pull in spot had a ton of people. That would have been awkward.

Every place you go, somebody's already proposed. Yeah. I don't like to like squat or kneel in front of strangers. So, uh, so, uh, yeah. And I just, uh, so when I was proposing to my wife, I squatted. I did a romantic crouch.

Um, uh, yeah. And then I, I pulled out, uh, my phone and I played her favorite song and, uh, devil without a cause going platinum. Um, and, uh, yeah, I, uh, I, uh, made my demands. So, yeah. And just as we were 24 hours to respond about to respond. About five minutes before we pulled over, she asked me if she could, my hoodie was in the back seat. And she asked me if she could cover up with it because she was getting too much sun. And I said, no, because the ring was in the pocket, in the giant box.

So I was like, nope. And I said it so like, I'm like, nope. I just panicked. And so afterwards I told her like when we're like five minutes after we were engaged, I said, I'm like, Nope, I just panicked. And, uh, so afterwards I told her like when we're like five minutes after we were engaged, I said, I was like, Oh,

I didn't, uh, my, the ring was in my pocket and she's like, Oh, I think I thought you just didn't want me to cover my titties up. Uh, it's good to have the clear lines of communication.

And you, you, she was driving up topless. Yeah. Um, uh. Nope. I'm not making up a lie. Just, this is how things are going to be from now on.

No more wearing my stuff. So then, yeah, we called, we pulled over on the side of the road, called her mom, and then called my mom. And my mom is a classic reactor um over or under um nuclear my mother is a nuclear reactor um but yeah and so uh like when i did the stand up and bite me thing in like 2011 what's that we all remember come on dave and uh it was a comedy competition

and uh the first round i went through the first round and that was like my first time doing stand We all remember. Come on, Dave. And it was a comedy competition. And the first round, I went through the first round and that was like my first time doing standup in Vancouver. It was in New West, but still. And I was staying at past guests of the show, Katie Ellen Humphrey's place. And she, I said, oh, I'm going to call my mom and tell her. And so I put it on speaker and I go, oh, I, uh, I, I advanced. So I'm going to the finals in Toronto. She goes. on speaker and I go, I, uh, I, I advanced.

So I'm going to the finals in Toronto. She goes, so, uh, when I was expecting something similar when I called and I said, she goes, Oh, what are you guys up to? And I said, Oh, not much. I'm just sitting on the side of the highway with my fiance and she goes, your fiance, you got engaged. Oh, you bum bum.

You nuclear reactor. You bum bum. You bum bum. You nuclear reactor. You bum bum. You bum bum. Uh, do you guys, uh, is there a date? No, it's, it's, uh, we were thinking about next September. Oh, it might even be beyond that. Slammed. Um, what, uh, are you the only, do you have siblings?

Are you? I have a older sister and a younger brother. I'm the only one without a spouse and kids so far. Oh, okay. That's what. Oh, I see. Okay. And so she, what was her reactions to their engagements?

Rum on your bum. Probably a lot of clapping like, oh. She's a clapper when she likes something. It drives me. Clap on, clap off bananas. Uh, now, uh,

why do you have so many knives? Why do you have so many? I don't, I don't have, uh, so many knives I have. Uh, I mean,

I have like the regular amount of knives in my kitchen that a human would have. I also have one knife to clean, uh, uh, the souls of the, no, I have one knife to clean uh uh the souls of the no i have one knife to clean uh uh weed residue out of my weed grinder and i also have uh like a daffodil a hunting knife a hunting dandelion and it's a a two a two or you have a hunting knife yes it's a double-headed uh knife and which you can you press a button knife? Yes, it's a double-headed knife, which you press a button in the middle,

and you switch the blade from one that's for cutting to one that's for gutting. Oh. Which one is for gutting? Do you cut, like, do you sneak up on a deer and, like... No, they've been... Cut their throat? Yeah, I rambo them

rambo some deer yeah do you I haven't I haven't like the reason I have it my dad gave it to me last year for Christmas

because I do want to get back into hunting oh yeah yeah so what what are we bow hunting no

staff hunting yes these are the other nunchuck hunting scy hunting which is just when i go to south korea listen the most dangerous game um but but like uh do you this is for field dressing a deer sure but what's the difference between the two sides of knives? I don't know. I don't know from one of the, when you like,

one of them would be the blade faces down. And then the other one, the blade would, when you flip it, the blade is up and it's more of a thinner, uh, edge. He's making sort of a curvy,

like kind of like Aladdin's shoes. Oh yeah. Hand motion. Yeah. Kind of like, uh, the one is make a wish The other one is fill your dish

Exactly That's how I remember it Cutting Gutting Wish and dish But I took my I took the Firearms course in Vancouver

Because I hadn't I didn't need that When I hunted as a kid Because I was with my dad So Like every summer That seems weird Oh yeah

Don't give the kid the course no no well kids don't need it just let him shoot just let him shoot wherever he goes that's how it went uh but the uh but no i was like i had to take a a hunting course when i was 10 like my core but i didn't need the firearms license at the time because my dad would have been the one now what's it what okay here's my questions about the firearms test. Or class? It's a class? So, what?

It's an eight-hour deal. Who else is in this class with you? Oh, a bunch of jabronis. A bunch of guys that I was just like, you're never going to hunt. What are you doing this for? You want to go to the range? Was there anybody in there that you're like,

this guy shouldn't be in here this guy this guy no no no women in the class but i know i'm kidding i'm kidding i'm kidding listen bumpers don't don't hate me more than you do already listen uh no yeah so i took that course uh well two years ago now and it took a year and a half a year and a bit to a year and a bit to get, uh, to get them to send me my license because, uh, in Canada, it's just not that easy to go, uh, get a gun. Well, and also because I had, uh, I wrote on the, they, they give you like a, what's your number one reason for wanting a gun? I said, revenge.

That's what I'm talking about. And you wrote it like that, revenge. R-A-W Venge. Raw Venge. No, because I admitted in the thing that I take antidepressants. Oh. And so they wanted to make sure. Now, here's the other thing, though.

They only weighed it. Like, it took over a year for me to get it. But they didn't call any of the contacts that I had. Yeah, because don't you have to, like. Yeah, I gave them a few of my friends that have known me long enough. And then, yeah, they did. But they didn't call any of those people. And it's not like they, I don't know what the hold up was.

But yeah, and then the guy called me and asked me some questions on the phone. And was just like, so do you think about killing yourself? I'm like, no. Do you think about killing yourself? I'm like, no. Do you think about killing me? Barely. But yeah, so. Sure, it's crossed my mind. I mean, yeah.

What part of the gun course do we learn about turning it on ourselves? Well then, so last Friday I go to get A renewal of my prescription For antidepressants and I go in The doctor says just a walk-in Clinic doctor he goes Are you thinking about hurting yourself? Nope. He goes are you thinking about hurting other people?

Nope. He turns to his computer for a second And turns back and he goes weird I think about hurting People all the time and then stared at me Like dead in the eye like stare Stared at me and I in the like stare stared at me and i was like he was good cop and bad cop anyways you probably like a cup of coffee and a cigarette um put your fucking coffee down um what uh but like uh yeah i guess i don't think about hurting people i mean i when i'm on the bus. Sure.

Sure. Absolutely. You kidding me? If I had a piece? No, yeah. No, I think about like lightly pushing them and letting the traffic hurt them. But like if you get a gun license, is that all guns or just? No, because I got.

Lasers? I didn't need to. Yeah, laser. Photon. Photon. I didn't need, like I don't need handguns or any other like the restricted firearms. Footgun. So I just wanted rifles.

Rifles and shotguns just for hunting purposes. That's it. So you're a kid. How old are you when you first go and do the hunting? First shot, seven. Seven? But that was with like. Well, like I wasn't hunting, but I was on the hunting trip.

But when I was seven, that's when I first started shooting because we would be way up north in BC, and my dad would set up tin cans on a log, and I would shoot a single shot.22 or whatever. I don't know what that is. It's a very, very small gun. Like if I said I had a.22 Would you be like oh

That's cute I shot a.22 I think at camp Oh really? It was like a shooting day It's shooting day Or like you could sign up for courses During the week And I was stuck with 5 days of shooting

How was your aim? Terrible. I don't think I hit a single thing. Like, I couldn't tell where it was going. Oh, it goes out the end. Yeah, I know. I love it. Like, I didn't.

It was on a, it was just like into the forest. And there were a bunch of things set up. I didn't hit them. I don't know where the bullets landed. Did you just see your counselor fall out of the tree? Innocent bystanders. It could have been empty. Like, it could have been completely unloaded. Because there was

the counselor behind me was going bang. But like when you were seven were you freaked out? That would freak me out. No, because I thought it was super cool to be able to shoot a gun.

Yes, I would think it was pretty cool. But then my dad told me that holding a gun doesn't make you a man. So, no, I... think it was, but then my dad told me that, uh, holding a gun doesn't make you a man. So, uh, no, I,

uh, he's like, hold this double edged knife. Now you're a man. Uh, no, but yeah, no, it was,

uh, I was totally comfortable to shoot a 22 cause it really is very like it, the same amount of kick as a Pelican. Like it's, you're not going to notice it. And then when I was 10 or 11, my uncle gave me a 303 British, which is a gun for game like Moose or Deer or whatever.

This is still a rifle? What's so British about it? I reckon you shot a stag. Fuck. No, I got lost. But yeah, anyway, then the first time i shot that was horrible because it was so fucking loud and kicked like a mule so uh that you were shooting a mule i was like oh my god what a day come mule hunting with me um but how are you as a shot are you pretty can you can you hit a while but i mean yeah i i educated to shoot properly, but that is something like when I go over to the Island, uh, in July to do hecklers, I'm going to bring back my rifles from my folks house and then I can go to the range over here and.

Cool. Yeah. Um, what's it called when you hit someone with the butt of a rifle, like in the, in the face? Yeah. Assault? Yeah. Like, but only a henchman when you hit someone with the butt of a rifle, like in the face? Assault? Yeah. But only a henchman, when you hit a henchman with it. Yeah, and also when your gun is empty, do you have to throw it at your opponent?

Yes. You have to, Leslie Nielsen, three feet away, just chuck your revolver at him. And like, okay, this is how much I know about Hantik. Yeah. Did you have to ever go up in a tree and sit in one of those chairs? No, I didn't. What chairs? They have these chairs.

Do you know what I'm talking about? They have chairs that you like climb up this thing and then you like seatbelt into the, and then you just sit in the tree and you wait for a bird to land on your gun. For a hippie to put a daffodil in the barrel. There's where you say daffodil. There's some great videos online of like hunters being up in a tree stand and like a bear comes up the tree. There's one where a guy's in the tree stand. He looks down. He's filming the bear below him.

And the bear just takes like three big strides up the tree and is just up past him looking down at him now. Oh. And he's like, who's the hunter now? Because aren't you supposed to put your food up in a tree so a bear don't get it? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Wait a minute.

When I was a kid, the really hilarious thing that they would tell us to not terrify us of bears was that if you can't tell if it's a grizzly or a black bear, climb a tree. And if it climbs up the tree to eat you, it's a black bear. If it pushes the tree over to eat you, it's a grizzly. That's pretty good. Well, have you ever seen a bear when you went out? Yeah.

Oh yeah. And what do you do? Shoot yourself. Avoid it? You just, like I saw it through a scope. It was quite a ways away. So, but my dad and my cousin were charged by a grizzly bear and had to shoot it. With what?

Was it charged? Yeah. With harassment? Um, no, they were, they were moose hunting. They took a,

a riverboat trip. So you go, this is so much like my life. Yeah, yeah, that's true. The parallels are, it's eerie.

So you would go like Fort St. John, which is whatever, like 10, 12 hour drive from here, 13 hour drive from Vancouver. And then you would drive a few more hours north, and then you would get, a riverboat

guide would take you way in where there are no roads. Where we're going, there are no roads. Wouldn't that be great if Back to the Future was just about moose hunting? And then it's just, yeah, Marty's like, another three hours, eh? Okay.

Why couldn't we have, you know, skipped this with the time machine? Yeah, because don't moose, they like cruise around the water, like in the summer times and stuff, like to keep cool. Yeah, or like salt licks. So it's like mud where it's naturally like salty and then they'll lick up and suck up on that. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no. You're right terminology. Yeah, lick up and suck up. How much mud do they go through trying to figure out if it's salty? This is just mud. Oh, he just eats mud like an idiot moose. And then like. But then, uh, like.

But yeah, so my dad and my cousin were on a salt lick, like watching a salt lick, waiting for some moose to show. And then heard a rustling in the bush and then a grizzly popped out full charge at them. And, uh, my cousin shot it and it tumbled and came to a stop like 10 feet from them. Oh, really? Yeah. And so my dad said the whole way, the whole walk back to their camp, like it was, the adrenaline was so heavy that they couldn't catch their breath properly. Right. So like they're walking back, like they just.

So it was Lamaze on the, on the hunting trail there. Wow. Yeah. I've never, I don't think i've ever met anybody who's been attacked by a bear no i don't think so dead people yeah yeah uh yeah i've only seen a couple and they were in captivity yeah and even then i was like don't get too close to the glass i don't know that this glass has been uh whatever you call it triple triple sealed uh that's what they call it for freshness yeah yeah yeah there we go oh yeah the bears i

saw were in saran wrap did you learn how like when you were a kid do you learn how to track you learn how to do any of that like man tracker you pick up some dirt you rub it in your fingers you you lick it and you go okay yeah yeah yeah You go okay that's not salt That's just mud It tastes like a guy was here Sort of yeah Like Very very basic stuff but like

One time Dad shot a moose and it took off Into the bush and so we tracked And you're like well that was That's not what's supposed to happen at all It returned fire dad shot a moose and it took off into the bush and so we tracked you're like well that was uh that's not what's supposed to happen at all i returned fire i tracked the blood trail into the woods i'm sure this is going over great with your audience yeah i'm sorry i'm uh i'm uh graham wants to learn about it it's not all about you curious uh little

cat yeah i'm a curious little monkey that That's why we call him Whiskers. So you're engaged. Yep. You're getting some guns. What, do you think I sold them all? It's that thing, like, you know, when your friends start turning 30. Yeah, that's true. They just acquire, they just start building, you know, an arsenal.

Yeah. And having kids. Are you, like, are you going to go on a big fancy honeymoon? Or you don't even know. You're not even that far. No, no. I'm sure that we'll go somewhere and do something. Now, when Fatima was on the show, she mentioned that she has a dowry.

Yes. Oh, yeah. The infamous dowry. So, 60 camels, 100 goats, and three and a half square miles of Somali farmland. Now, you see, the thing is this. Since she, so she did the debaters and her debate was, are dowries, should dowries be or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Should dowries be.

It's a pirate themed. Yeah. Yeah. And so as she was preparing for it, she talked to her mom about it. And her mom revealed to her that no, her uncle had lied to her as a kid. And there is no dowry. No dowry? No dowry.

Oh, man. I know. I mean, that's like finding out that you have a brother that you never knew about. And you're like, no, I got to, I give to half the Christmas presents. Oh, yeah. Is that? I don't know if that is the same thing. Yeah. So. But yeah. and you're like now I gotta I give to half the Christmas presents oh is that I don't know if that is the same thing yeah

so but yeah so there is no no I get nothing but love and you know what love it's free

so that's not much what's that gonna do you it's like a smile at McDonald's oh yeah are they late are those new machines

that are replacing oh yeah they got a smile at McDonald's. Oh, yeah. Are those new machines that are replacing? Oh, yeah. They got a smile on it? Well, the smiles, they cost 40 cents. It's just a weird. Is it like one of those old timey? No, it's one of those robot mouths that can enunciate weird. Have you ever seen those?

I don't think so. It's like it's just a mouth on a stand and it just can enunciate all the sounds. It's like sitting in front of a, it looks like a fleshlight. Sure. Oh, okay. Now I know exactly. It's just moving its mouth in front of a microphone. It is really great.

It doesn't say words it just is showing you how to uh be a robot mouth have you uh watched videos recently of the recent talking robots they still are not quite there my favorite band is the recent talking robot but you know like they they still have the, whatever they call it, the Uncanny Valley. Yeah. Oh, and they always will. Always? I think so.

Okay. Good. Guys, if it ever switches over where they look more human than human, who said that? I believe that was Robert Zombie. The poet. Sir Robert Zombie. Have you, did you watch Westworld? No.

It's good? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was all right for an episode or two. Oh, yeah. I didn't dig it. And Fatima hated it only because I never knew who was who. Right.

And so she hated it. What do you mean? She enjoyed the show, but she hated that I kept asking, who's that? Is that guy a robot? Oh, yeah. But that's half the show is figuring out who is and who isn't a robot. Oh, who robot, who not robot. And are robot and robot get together?

Because I heard there's a lot of sexing in that show. Yeah. I don't know if you see robot and robot sex. Well, that would be. But they robot and robot love. Oh, they, oh, which, you know, if you do it right, can lead to robot sex. Right, guys? Guys, don't you know, if you do it right, can lead to robot sex. Right, guys? Guys, don't I know it.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Would I fall in love with a robot? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. I would. Yeah?

Like. Just easier. What was the... There was some movie... Oh, boy. And it was like, right at the very opening scene, his robot wife gets all wet from a dishwasher that overflows. And then the rest of the movie...

It stars Melanie Griffith, I know that. And he has to take, I think, just her head. Or maybe Melanie Griffith is who shows him where this is. This is great. Yeah. Where he can go to fix his robot wife. Oh, good fellas. All my life, I always wanted to be a robot maintenance man.

My friend, he was 24. What am I, a robot maintenance man. My friend, he was 24. What am I, a robot clown? Am I here to educate? Am I here to entertain you? Am I programmed to amuse you? Those were all the microchips we had, Karen. Listen.

Robot good fellas? Yeah. Go get my circuit box or whatever. Go get your fucking circuit box. Go get my circuit box. Or whatever. Go get your fucking circuit box. Go get your circuit box. Yeah. There we go. All the old gang, all the Goodfellas gang was supposed to get together to make a film

with Marty Scorsese, but I don't know if it's going to get done. Where Robert De Niro plays the comedian. Oh boy. Did you see that movie? No. He goes viral in it. He goes viral in it singing a song parody of the song Making Whoopie. Did you see it?

No, but I read a review. I enjoyed reading the review. It's just a two word review. It's just a two-word review. There's a movie out right now that's been universally panned called The Book of Henry, maybe? About a smart boy. Oh. Who plays his mom?

Naomi Watts? Yeah, Naomi Watts. And people say that they're good. Naomi Judd? Yeah, Naomi Judd plays the robot. Card dealer. Oh, wait. Is the kid? Yeah, Naomi Judd plays the robot. Card dealer. Oh, wait, is the kid a robot? I don't know, maybe.

I just, they say that it's really, it's just, ah, so bad. Anyways, reading the reviews, so good. Stop putting kids in movies.

Yeah, start putting robots in movies instead of kids. Is this movie a secret Christian movie? No, I think he's like a genius kid and then then they try to do something like but was it that the whole time and it doesn't work

yeah uh christian movie uh former wwf superstar sean michaels the heartbreak kid yeah yeah he is now born again yeah i know right and uh so's doing... So now he's the bread break kid. The bread break kid. Wow. The resurrection of Gavin Stone. He played a mechanic. I saw... Is he a Christian action star?

No, he's just a mechanic. Because before he was Christian, he wasn't in mainstream movies was he no no that's true no so it's like his yeah he does he still have the long hair sort of but it's like definitely time to not go with the long hair also after he retired he went cross-eyed what are you sure sean michaels is cross-eyed now and he wasn't during his entire career and i'm not sure what it was i don't want to speculate you think he's born again cross-eyed well it's a real problem for him at meals because he's always eating off his wife's plate

what year is that joke ke Kevin just walked out of the room. Wow. I didn't know that he was making movies. I guess once you're retired from wrestling and you don't want to just go to conventions, what do you do? You either become a stand-up comedian. Yeah. Or. You either become a mediocre to terrible stand-up comedian. Or you do.

Who's the best? Mick Foley? Probably Mick Foley probably mick very mick was very funny i thought jake the snake uh was i i uh he was very funny too i worked with both of those gents and what did jake who was the worst yeah of the two who would you rather no no of the of a mediocre to terrible uh there is a wrestler named New Jack. I might get murdered just for saying. He's a crazy guy who, if you remember the movie Beyond the Mat. If you remember the Weezer song El Scorcho he's mentioned. Okay.

Yeah, that's right. He's the guy with the tattoo on his arm of four justifiable homicides because he said he killed four people as a bounty hunter. Ah. It was either them or me. I don't remember hunter. Ah. It was either them or me. Oh, I don't remember this. Yeah. He's the guy they took him to go audition for,

for like a casting agent. And the guy after was like, yeah, no. I mean, I don't see him as Denzel, but I see him as like the best friend. My favorite is it in Beyond the Mat where the guy auditions as Puke? Yes. Yeah. He's gonna puke. It the guy auditions as Puke? Yes. Yeah.

He's gonna puke! It was a guy who could puke on command, so that was gonna become his character trait. And then Vince McMahon is like, this is in an office, he's like, I want you to puke for me. And so the guy's like trying to puke into a garbage can. Vince is just doing the commentary he would be doing at the time. Oh my, watch it, he's gonna puke! He's gonna puke! And the guy's trying the time. Oh my, watch it, he's gonna puke, he's gonna puke. And the guy's trying

so hard, but you can tell, like it's the one time that nervousness has not caused puking. He's like, I'm too nervous to puke. There's also a great

scene in that one, it's also a very sad scene, but Jake the Snake Robbers is basically talking about how everything is This is a movie called Beyond the Mat. It's a wrestling movie?

It's a wrestling movie. It's a wrestling documentary. It came out in the late 90s, early 2000s. Starring Shawn Michaels as a mechanic. But Jake the Snake's telling this story about how everything's falling apart. And he's telling

the story and then he looks down at his jacket and he goes, what is that? Chocolate? And he starts trying to rub chocolate. It's in the middle of the saddest story. What is that chocolate? And he starts like Trying to rub chocolate It's in the middle of like The saddest story What is that chocolate? Yeah well chocolate's

Hard to get out It is hard to get out Yeah As if Chief Wiggum Has taught us anything Nothing gets chocolate I mean it gets out With soap and water

But Yeah But you gotta You gotta scratch it off You're gonna have a little mark Yeah and you wanna get to it early Jake Are you in a knit or a weave?

Holy fucking shit We're still talking about chocolate uh um he uh i in he was in another documentary yes the resurrection of kevin stone the resurrection of jake and he got really mad when somebody told him to cut his hair right he got he had like a real real sad day but it really he didn't he looked considerably better with a haircut yeah because uh it was insane he looked insane have you considered growing your hair yeah you can go for a lot every time i get it a little bit longer like earlier this year it was i my the front it could be combed comb. I mean, it could, when I got out of the shower, it was wet down to like my lip. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. But my forehead

is considerably deeper than it was years ago. But I've got a five or a six head myself. Look at me. It's brutal, but Yeah, no, you you should watch that Jake the Snake movie. And I just really take what they told him to heart.

I don't think that I could pull off long hair. I've seen fat guys with long hair. Nobody wants that. Wait. Jack Black. Some Chris Farley work. Like, I'm a fat guy. You've talked about yourself as a fat guy before, and it's almost insulting.

John, you know, John. You know, John Cullen. I did a show with John C you know, John. Almost. John Cullen. I did a show with John Cullen. Local comedian. Yeah, never guest of the show, John Cullen. He loves it. It's because he loves the show so much that we withhold it. He's listening

right now too. Hi John. But we were doing a show and he's like a pretty in shape fella and he was talking about how fat he was and I almost charged the stage to spear him. But, you know, in an athlete world, maybe he is, you know? I don't know. His athlete ex-girlfriend grabbed his belly and said, you need to work on this or whatever.

And I was like, well, she's a monster. Yeah, well, that's why two athletes shouldn't get together. To be one athlete and one person that adores athletes. So that they can just be like, you're so strong and fast. Right? Yeah. Like, I should be able to date an athlete. It's like, you know, Serena Williams and the guy who started Reddit.

Exactly. That's the exact perfect is that who it is exactly right that's her fella and like he's got his own life he's got his own things to do but when yeah he's a troll yeah but then when you know a jar needs opening but yeah no i don't think i could pull off uh long hair john cullen could pull off long hair i disagree i think you could pull off long hair. John Cullen could pull off long hair. I disagree. I think you could pull off long hair.

You know what? I can't pull off short hair. Like I can't. Do a buzz? I can't buzz it. Have you ever? Yeah. Yeah. I saw some old pictures of it.

I'm like, no. Yeah. I had this one friend in high school who I think like a bunch of them decided, you know, during the summer, like, well, I'll shave our heads. I know during the summer like well i'll shave our heads i don't know well i'll shave our heads people won't think that that's terrifying in any way shape or form uh and one of my friends like when he shaved his head had like the back of his head looked like ets like the back of his head super long and kind of just looked so and i was like i just thought that was your hair man he didn't realize until he was bald that his head was shaped like a vcr yeah

yeah exactly um but that's why it's good to shave your head at least once just to see what's your you know because you can't trust a baby photo that was so long ago right you gotta see if there's any new you know lumps or dents and all the wire like i i need to know how i'm gonna look like outside of the bathtub yeah exactly uh well i'll photoshop my baby picture onto a businessman's suit it'll look okay um dave what's going on with you, man? Oh boy, you guys Had a fun weekend I drove down with the family

Did a road trip down to visit my brother in Seattle Great That's too far at the moment Yeah, yeah But yeah, we went down to Seattle And overpacked Like by how much? By, well, we brought a stroller yeah the children

never left the house oh yeah like went in the backyard and stuff but we never like went for a walk or went downtown or did anything like can you you can't ever leave the house without a stroller now i assume with the baby yeah margo as soon as margo learned to walk i was like no more stroller oh wow because sometimes i'll see like some pretty oversized kids yeah yeah definitely and i'm i'm happy to carry her if she needs to walk for a couple blocks but uh i'm not it's it's so much more of a hassle to to have a stroll the stroller it never doesn't run as smoothly. Like it's got those four wheels and one of them is always, I always get the stroller with the one wheel.

I think I heard a bunch of eighties comedians talking about that. And like, uh, do you have different strollers? No. Well, we have the same base, but we have different seats. Okay. Cause like, you know, there's the one sporty one. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Woof. It seems like it can only go on a path It couldn't go in a coffee shop No It couldn't go on a train It goes off jumps Yeah, what a baby fly So we, yeah, I hadn't seen my brother since Christmas And so we went down, he's got two kids, the kids

And Margo just played the whole time it was great so you that's you finally got to the stage where it's like go pretty much nice that's never happened before but it was like they have this huge dollhouse and every day she just wanted to show us these kids huge dollhouse yeah and every time i go down my my brother's like, bring the dollhouse back with you. And so my brother and I, what we did the whole time was a puzzle. Oh, man. This is the sweetest weekend that ever was. It was the greatest. What are we looking at here, piecewise?

Thousand. Although, we discovered after we were done, 999 pieces of puzzles. Are you good at puzzles? What? Who knows? I'm not. I know I'm not. I know, like, I'll start lining up pieces, and then I'll just get bored and walk away.

And then six months later, I'll come back, sweep it into a box. What was the puzzle? It was a painting of Stanley Park. I've never heard of it, but that sounds cool. What about you? Puzzleman? No. I mean, I was in my of Stanley Park. Huh? I've never heard of it, but that sounds cool. What about you? Puzzleman? Uh, no. I mean, I was in my youth.

Yeah. But it's a young man's game. We used to do like a thousand piece one every year at Christmas. Yeah. And then we got wise, because we would do it in the kitchen, and then dinner would roll around. That would be the kids' table, and we would have to uh figure out what we were gonna do this puzzle and then we figured out to put it on a like a board yeah carry it out of there yeah what's your rainy day crossword weed oh yeah weed angry birds or wrestling a puzzle yeah fair enough i

know i like i hadn't done one in years and it was the best yeah yeah i could see it like i've definitely thought about it because there's never done there's moments where you're like i'm looking for this piece and you just you look across the room and you spot it in in the box and you just and then there's times where you're like you pick up a piece like what the hell is this and you put it in a random spot and it fits yeah I know a gal who used to do them upside down oh was she insane yeah she was the worst

she would do her puzzles upside down so it was just finding the shapes that's like something you would like if you were making a character in a movie who was a serial killer like a psychopath you'd be like he listens to opera oh yeah making a character in a movie who was a serial killer like a psychopath i wouldn't put a pastor

you'd be like um he listens to opera and oh yeah super loud and screams oh man yeah i like honest to god i'm trying to think the last time i did a puzzle maybe it's something that's missing from my life puzzling and so the only other thing we did down there is uh um i mean uh uh ate food and then yeah sure slept abby and i went out to target once and uh bought a new puzzle yeah and uh to trader joe's as well and we just brought back like food that if we lived near a trader joe's we would never buy yeah but we're like well we're only down here every so often. So it's by $100 worth of, you know, chocolate covered pretzels that'll melt in the car. Yeah.

And what did you show me upstairs is like, you put it's on bagels or something. It's the everything bagel. Whatever the like mixture of everything that goes on in everything bagel is just in a jar and you shake it on bread. I don't know what you shake it on. Yeah. So it's just like the seeds and whatnot? The seeds and onion flakes or whatever. Huh.

And I've never been in a Trader Joe's. Is it what I'm picturing? Is it a lot of wood? Yeah. Does it look like an old timey general store? Because that's how I'm picturing it. Yeah, it's a little woodsy, I guess. Yeah.

I don't get what it is and why we're excited about it. No, me neither. But people really like bananas for it. They do have some good snacky things. Like? Just like things. Like a pretzel with chocolate on it, I guess. Yeah, and like sort of things that are like health food but aren't health food.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I, okay. Like today I ate so many dried mango pieces and they've all expanded in my stomach. They've all soaked up your stomach acid. It's like when they say not to throw rice at a wedding because birds will eat it and it'll... Don't throw dried mangoes at Dave. Yeah.

And he'll just keep eating them. You've been to Trader Joe's? Yes, once. Did you buy anything fun? I bought chocolate-covered pretzels and whiskey. Okay. Chocolate-covered whiskey? It was good.

It was tasty. But yeah, no, I mean, not worth all the hoopla. Yeah. It's another one of these things that Canadians go mental for. Well, don't, isn't there like Pirate Joe's up here that's in trouble? It's gone out of business. Oh, okay. Because they keep getting sued and resued.

What a dog shit business. Hey, we're just going to bring up a bunch of shit from this store and change our name. Yeah, it's just. And charge rich people way more than they cost. it's just and charge rich people way more than it costs well and uh but like i don't know if you've ever had this where you go to your convenience store or whatever and you're just like i'm bored with all of this oh yeah like it said like if if the lady behind the counter was like i got some i got some weird new stuff yeah yeah I'd be into it. Yeah. You know, but it's like, I don't know, man. I think I've hit a wall.

Yeah, I've had that happen all the time. That happens all the time. And then I end up going with the same stuff. What'd you go to? Just bulk garbage bags. I was driving and I saw outside a home hardware that it signed for 500 garbage bags for 20 bucks. I should have bought them for you.

Man, that would have been great. That's like six weeks of garbage. And then came home. It was great. Fun trip. Yeah. Great trip. Kids playing by themselves. And then on Tuesday, I went grocery shopping with Poppy.

And I noticed my grocery cart had so much. It had one weird wheel. Had so much hair stuck in the wheel. Gross. And I had never thought to look at that. And then I looked around the store. And other people had like way more hair in the way. So apparently hair is getting caught in the wheels of your shopping carts.

Yeah. And there's so much as it's like made like a little rope. It's long hair. Oh, yeah. It's that kind of rope that's stuck in there. But you know what? I got to admit, pulling it out really, really satisfying. Yeah. It's making me gag.

Really? Yeah. Wouldn't you ever get that with a vacuum cleaner? On the thing, the rolling thing? Yeah, but that's your hair. I don't know. My hair is much different than random grocery store hair. Yeah, I guess. Inside, outside, grocery, like the cart came from the outside. And it's a mix of human

hair and coconut hair. All sorts of different hairs. Kiwi fruit hair. Yeah, peach fuzz. Ew. I mean, I don't know. Do I ever touch a grocery store floor? Probably not.

Of course, the floors seem like they're regularly cleaned. Yeah, cleaned and polished. Yeah. Right? Yes. I used to work a graveyard shift at uh toys r us and they used to uh polish it like twice a week and uh i don't know what they use but it is the most uh noxious like i don't know why the people that were doing it weren't wearing masks but i'm pretty sure

legally they should have been wearing masks because it was like making you dizzy this uh love it um so what did you do just just leave the carton in the aisle and uh take your daughter and run it was fine like i didn't have to pay attention to it but i just had never noticed it next time you're grocery shopping look down at the wheels i don't want to so much but i do and i want to pull it out oh no you don't um like long and looping give me a head with hair long looping hair um so yeah yeah a lot of uh you know this is where grocery stores are like on both sides of the board yeah do you like grocery shopping no no because no we we uh sometimes we use like the save on foods delivery service yeah yeah best i open my door and a guy's standing there with meat and veg and you trust some 16 year old to pick the veg for you yeah because i like to get in there

i like to i like to squeeze i like to smell yeah i trust him to pick the thing that'll just go bad in my fridge yes these bananas will do nicely yeah bananas don't last in our house because fatima is somalian and they eat bananas with everything like it's with every meal spaghetti you have a plate of spaghetti there's my fiancee so somalian how somalian is she uh spaghetti with banana for real yeah on the side like she doesn't like you don't mix the I was going to say, so Somalian. How Somalian is she? Spaghetti with banana, for real? Yeah. On the side. She doesn't like, you don't mix the two, but you take a bite of banana, you take a bite of spaghetti.

Yeah. Some chili. She'll have a bowl of chili. Is it Fatima who has the joke about the national dish in, is it Somalia? Is it like a spaghetti or something? Or is that? Yeah. Because the eye ties came down, right? Oh down right oh yeah yeah tell me more about them yeah well they dumped i don't feel too bad making fun of italians in this context because they're the ones that dumped all the nuclear

waste off the coast of somalia and ruin those waters like those pirates in somalia i learned this just as i started to date her because i I was like, Hey, there's a documentary about these, uh, Somalians. It's got Tom Hanks in it. Uh, but yeah, like I guess, uh, Italian,

uh, they dumped all this waste off the coast of Somalia and killed all of these local fish. So all these, the Somalian pirates are former fishermen who are now patrolling. I mean, some of them are straight up just gangsters, but I mean, a lot of them are just up just gangsters but i mean a lot of

them are just they call themselves like the people's um the people's coast guard of somalia or whatever but like if you had a choice between being a fisherman and a pirate wouldn't you pick pirate i would not what no kevin i'm the captain now all right well if you're the captain of the fire yeah which which boat are you on? That might make it. What boat am I on? Yeah. Are you a pirate

or are you fishing? Oh, no, pirate. For sure. Come on. Life on the high seas. Life on the high seas. I want to float it. It's an erection.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Through all these cities and all these towns in my blood and it's all around you guys know yeah tom cochran was my kid rock run while you were kid rocking i was tom cochran um holy shit now we're cooking with gas oh yeah absolutely Graham what's going on with you by the way

I hear the new Pirates movie is great oh yeah I heard that the 3D special effects of Jeffrey Rush's face these Christian vegetables

are on the high seas and it is is it are they always pirates these Christian vegetables I don't know I think they might go I think they might go.

I think they might do parables. Do you know what we're talking about? No. The veggie tales? Oh, no. I've heard of it, but I don't know. I thought you were just being horrific. No, no.

There's vegetables and they love God and Jesus, his only son. And they can't walk? What's that? Are they in comas? What is the... No, no. They aren't vegetables. They're vegetables. Like they in comas? What is the... No, they're not vegetables. They're vegetables.

Like they get delivered to your house? Yeah, yeah. Like the ones you let rot in your fridge. They go bad in your fridge, yeah. They're in the crisper. Yeah, they talk about the Lord's love. And have you accepted any of it? Have you watched any of it?

Of the VeggieTales? Yeah. Yeah, I think I've watched because it's on Netflix. Okay, but... I also watch Paw Patrol. It's one thing to think you've watched it and another thing to have watched well you know what i think i don't know if they go around asking you if you've

accepted jesus into your heart it's either uh watch the four-hour tom petty documentary or or a zucchini that loves christ why not both um love that tom petty documentary yeah yeah i may have a fever i'm watching it again um i uh so yesterday i had one of these days you know where this shit just does not just fucking does not line up for you when was this this was yesterday uh no sorry day before uh i can't even get the story right um but uh so so uh one of the things that happened today smashed my phone by accident i dropped it on the ground smash uh is it gone uh yeah but i have uh i had a backup yeah i know these are my last two phones um and then uh uh at one point i was cleaning up doing dishes and cleaning up and then, uh, uh, at one point I was cleaning up, doing dishes and cleaning up.

And then I have like a water bottle that I just kind of like carry around all day. So I was like, oh, I cleaned the water bottle. So I put soap in it and hot water and kind of was just shaking it. No, the lid came off. Nope. I just, uh, I walked over, I got distracted by, uh, I was watching Frazier and I just opened it and started drinking this. And I drank so much of it.

Well, it serves you right for all the swears. Oh, I drank so much of it. And then the bubbles hit my lip. And I was like, oh, no, what am I doing? And then my stomach was so sore. And I was looking in the back like, do I have to call poison? Yeah. Is there peanut in this?

Is this peanut soap? All natural peanut soap. Oh, no. It's from Thailand. It's got shrimp and peanut in it. It's a planter soap. What brand of soap did you use? That was a sunlight.

That was a sunlight soap with a... You've got the softest tongue now. Oh, and my insides have never been cleaner i mean it's no palm olive if you soak your tongue in palm olive then oh madge but yeah it was just like uh uh and then like it just kind of burned my throat so much and uh and then i was like uh i didn't i didn't know what to drink because i was like don't drink water because that'll just make more bubbles. You drank oil? No, I drank, I drank all I,

the only other thing I had was root beer. So I had a root beer and that just became like, that became like insane in my stomach. It was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I was like, oh my God, what's going on? Water will make more bubbles, but this bubbly drink Will calm it down, because bubble plus bubble Equals bubbly I think Vince McMahon could have come up with a solution for you He's gonna puke

He's gonna bubble That was my wrestling name Bubbles Anyways, so that was my Did you ever have to wait? Uh, did either of you ever have your mouth? Why?

Why? Uh, no, but I, at different points in my life, when I was a kid, I'd smell soap that smelled so nice that I would put it in my mouth. I'd be like,

ah, nuts. It happened again. I think I got, I might've been, uh, threatened with it, but that was empty

yeah yeah my parents never did it but hey mom shit did your parents have like a unique any unique punishment styles yeah like a coat hanger or uh no uh no not really like go to your room basically go to your room and this is like pre everything in your room is awesome as a kid yeah it was like you got a wall yeah i don't think that uh yeah i didn't have anything like cool in my room when i was a kid so going to my room was an actual there was books so it's like and i'm not reading you if you think i'm gonna bow down to the peer pressure of books you're wrong i'll just sit here and stare at the wall. Just go stare at the crown Royal jar in my crown Royal bottle in my top drawer

that I found and thought was cool. Oh yeah. What is it? Like you just kept an M. Was it just an empty bottle in the velvet bag or anything? No, I think I found it in a field and I was like, oh man,

I'm so cool. Yeah. Cool. Um, yeah, I, uh, it in a field. I was like, oh man, I'm so cool. Yeah, cool. Yeah, I had a friend whose parents would make them stand with their nose to the wall. And like, that seems pretty awful. Yeah. It doesn't seem cruel, but it does seem unusual. I think it would be on board for unusual. I've heard of it before, though.

The nose to the wall? Yeah. Did you have any weird ones? No, my parents were, I'm the youngest of four, so my parents were done. Yeah, they were like, you, raise yourself. Yeah. Your sisters can think of a punishment for you. Oh, man.

I think it would be good. Go do a photo shoot with them. Oh man Go do a photo shoot with them Go put on some Clothes by Esprit And let them model you Esprit But that would be a pretty good punishment

For like a 12 year old boy Not me Take off your Mossimo shirt And put on your Esprit Yeah I don't know. My parents, I think they were good with guilt. But they didn't do any.

No, no, no, me too. They'd give me the like, we're just so disappointed. I'd be like, oh no. No, make me put my nose to the wall. Nope, we're just disappointed. Not a thousand noses on a thousand walls. Couldn't fix what you did. Now, and we found that Crown Royal bottle in your drawer.

Did you have any hidden illicit things box when you were a kid? No, I remember I got firecrackers from somebody once, and I taped them in the upper inside wall wall of my uh my closet that's really smart yeah i was a genius and they were never found never found still there to this day still being there to this day if your house burns down but the only that's the only way they'll find out taping it though that's an i feel like that's an advanced because my old thing was just between mattresses or whatever right and then i saw the movie misery and there's a scene where he like cuts a little hole in the mattress and he sticks stuff in there that's what i did after i saw misery and then yeah but he stuck a few other

and then i forgot that I had put other, oh, my young wieners. David Tell has that joke about putting your wiener between the cushions of a couch, and it comes up with a dime and a skittle on it, or as we call it, couch scabies. Oh, Lord. Well,

do we want to move on to Overheard? Yeah, okay. Hey guys, this is Adam Conover. You may know on to Overheard? Yeah, okay. Hey, guys. This is Adam Conover. You may know me from my true TV show, Adam Ruins Everything. Well, guess what? Now we're doing a podcast version right here on Maximum Fun.

What we do is we take all the interesting, fascinating experts that we talk to for just a couple minutes on the show, and we sit with them for an entire podcast, really going deep and getting into the fascinating details of their work. Find Adam Ruins Everything wherever you get your podcasts or at MaximumFun.org. Hey, readers. All of you bookworms. Comic geeks. Library junkies. Literary fiction lovers.

Bibliophiles. And nerds. Want to get more out of your reading life? Listen to Reading Glasses. I'm Bria Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. We want to help you read better. Join us every Thursday on Maximum Fun's new podcast while we talk about

book culture and solve your reader problems. Reading Glasses will teach you how to vanquish your to-be-read pile, connect with other readers, and get more reading into your busy day. No matter what you read or how you read it,'ll help you do it better that's cute overheard overheard the segment and graham shut up it's time for my favorite segment on the show well what was uh fatima's favorite song oh yeah you said You said you put it on before you proposed? Yes. Now, I can... As we go on. Yes. It was the graduation song.

Did we already talk about this? By Vitamin C? Yeah, yeah. And Packle Bell? No, it would be Cello Suite No. 1. Oh, that's very nice. By our friend Yo-Yo Ma. Yeah, but he didn't write it.

He played it. Yeah. I know he didn't write it. He played it. Yeah. I know he didn't write it. I'm from the woods. Who's it by? Who wrote it? That guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never a woman. A woman is never a woman. Is it Bach? It's Bach or... It's either Bach or Beethoven, right? It could be Mozart. I don't know. I don't know who writes for cellos.

Lots of fellows. Anyways, good night, everybody. Drive safely, and God bless. Get a load of Kid Rock over here. Who writes for cellos? An awful lot of fellows. Cuss like a sailor. Drink like a mick.

Come on, kid. What are your only words of wisdom? Radio edit. There it is. Now, overheards, you know, if you've listened to the show before, things that we've overheard that are funny, then we share them here. Now, Kevin. Yes, sir.

You know we like to start with the guests. You knew that. I do. So. What are you so interested in? I was in a food court recently, and I heard a woman behind me go, Nope, nope, nope, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I'm going out for teriyaki, I want the full teriyaki experience.

So I want the sparklers. I want the water slide. I want the, I want it all. I want the teriyaki experience. They have a place in the food I want the teriyaki experience They have a place in the The food court called the teriyaki experience What? Yeah In some food courts

I've never heard of it I think it's a chain But it's also They opened for the new age robots Oh I thought she was hoping for You know some sort of thing Some like The onions

Yeah what do you call that place? Steve Aoki's dad started it Oh yeah Benihana Benihana Steve Aoki's dad started it I think I might be wrong about that That's cool

That's a cool factoid If true or if false I think that's a That's a fun one for parties But I love those That's my go to place In any food court

Is the teriyaki place It's the same No matter what the name Of the place is It's always The same quality There's none that's better Than another one

So glossy Right? Food I feel like food court Chinese food Is the glossiest food Teriyaki is Japanese You racist

Yeah well I'm not racist I'm ignorant Oh okay Two different things. Oh, maybe that's what I am. Oh, my goodness. Now I feel silly. Now, Kevin, you have other overheard?

I could, yeah, for sure. Otherheard. Yeah. Earlier, I mentioned my buddy, Big Dave, screwed up very simple sentences. But I have another friend back home in Sook, Drew. Yeah. Uh, earlier I mentioned my buddy, big Dave, uh, screwed up a very simple sentences, but, um, I have another friend back home in Sook,

uh, drew. Yeah. Uh, and for years going back to when I had a Nokia phone, I've always kept notes. Is that by yo-yo?

Yeah. Um, I've always kept a note on my phone, which we, uh, my friends refer to as the Drewski dictionary because Drew combines sentences, like combines expressions. And you're worried you've said some of these on the show before.

I know I said them on another podcast, steel, steel toes required, but that podcast died. What? So we can, I know, right.

Did they forget to wear the steel toes? They did. Oh no. The other feet crushed itself. But yeah, eye what so we can i know right did they forget to wear the steel toes they did but yeah so like he would combine um expressions like uh sometimes you just have to read between the fine print there yeah yeah very good uh uh instead of saying he eats three square meals a day he once said i eat five squares a meal. Sure, you remember having like mini-wheats? Yeah. Premium blast crackers?

Sure. I don't even remember what the point he was trying to make, but he said, that's like Picasso painting all those castles. Yeah, why'd he do that? I think he meant Yo-Yo Ma ma painting the sistine chair there it is you got it i knew you'd get there eventually um and like how many would you say this like you could put this as a a print edition and give it to him for a birthday or something be a nice present we're at about 30 of them now so we could have like a month, one month calendar. Yeah.

Cool. Or have someone illustrate them. Well, we have nothing written in sandstone guys. So classic Drewskism.

When you go camping in October, you can't just take the bare nesentials. The bare nesentials. It's true.

Yeah. You can't take them. Oh man. And if you take your pet, if you take your pet, if you take your pet over to Drew's, you just have to know

that he's not running a dog kettle. My favorite one is he was talking about somebody This is the big finish, here we

go. Oh yeah, I know. I mean, I understand that the bit died four minutes ago, but he was talking

about somebody that he really hated and he said, I wouldn't trust him with my right hand. I wouldn't i guess i i don't get that i i don't trust him i think it's i yeah he's like he was just like i think the the crux of this is that he's not a genius but like normally i can see where the components come from uh i think it makes it means that he's like the opposite of your right hand man. Oh, because I was thinking I know him like

my, like the back of my hand. That's what I thought. Although that's a weird thing. I don't know the back of my hand all that well. Really? I don't know. Now that I'm looking at it. Yeah, I guess if you showed me a lineup of backs of hands, you know, men who've never worked a day in their life

of manual labor yeah yeah then i would i i you know i'd be hard pressed to to pick us apart yeah that's true i mean i i do have all this i think johnny depp jewelry on oh boy do you how long i was gonna say how long do you think it takes for him to get ready when he leaves? But that presupposes that he ever takes those things off, which he probably does not. Well, there's a, what was it? It was something with the fashion designer, Karl Lagerfeld. Yeah. I forget, it was some documentary that he's in.

And there's just a scene of him. He wears gloves. Sometimes fingerless. Yeah, mostly fingerless, but then rings on every finger and he's just he lays out all of his rings on this like i i recall correctly like a velvet blanket and then just makes different combinations before he heads out well yeah you know what if that's your bliss then uh follow that yeah follow it if it. If you like rings, get up in there. Your fingers, I mean.

Oh, are we going to tell that story now? What are we going to get our fingers up in, Graham? Our own butts, right? Fellas? Okay. Dave, do you have an overheard? Okay. These are a couple of things I saw in Seattle. Okay.

These are a couple of things I saw in Seattle. One is just at Target. You know how you can get kids shirts that are like the Ramones? Yeah. My kids are into the Ramones. Cool. But the one I saw was just a picture of Jim Morrison on it, and it just said Morrison. It doesn't even say the doors.

It just says Morrison. Cool. And the other thing I saw in Seattle was this pizza place called Apostrophe Z-A-W. Zaw. Are we going to get some Zaw? Some Daw? Y'all want some Daw? And then I was telling my brother that

and he was like, oh yeah, I think that we haven't been there because you take it and you cook it at home. So it might be

because it's raw. Raw is all. Raw is all. Now, did raw was all? Is raw was all the one who dig through the ditches?

You beat me to it I was gonna say That's the guy Who sang Dragula Oh I thought he was The guy who trained Batman Ra's al Um

What is Have either of you Ever done that The take and bake Yeah It sucks shit Yeah What's the advantage

That some Jaloon makes a pizza For you And then you carry it home Yeah It's like getting A frozen pizza That's not frozen. Yeah.

What are you? Because you don't have a bunch of like wood. Like you don't have a great oven at home. I mean, sure. I've tried shoving wood into my oven at home. That's a euphemism. But like there's no, I mean, a really fancy pizza place will have like a wood oven yeah i mean a non-domino's pizza place will have a wood oven what am i you could do i i've

heard of in fact i think i own a pizza thing that you can put on a barbecue i've never done it you got a pizza stone no come on well you seem to... You know what? Wedding present. What was that noise about? I don't want a fucking pizza store. What do you want? Cash. Cash money. How much? 80.

80? No, I don't know. That's like the worst non-good number. It goes in increments of 50, right? No, no, no. You said 80. If somebody gives you $211 as a wedding gift. No, that's not.

Maybe they're from a culture that does that. Yeah. Because there are things of like, oh, yeah, we do multiples of seven. Yeah. And I give exactly the number that you said. So you said 80. What do you normally give at a wedding? I either will go by, I'll go by registry or I

by the time I get to the registry there's like six dollars left on it or I'll get a tattoo of both of the couples names on somewhere on my body and the date that they got married and then I won't wear a shirt at their funeral at both of their funerals

that's my dedication to them and loves eternal bliss tandem fumes At their funeral. At both of their funerals. That's my dedication to them. And loves eternal bliss. Tandem fumes. Tandem fumes. That's a worse business name than Zoll. Zoll. What's up with your overheard system? My overheard system is I saw a gentleman.

He was wearing a T-shirt. And this was the slogan. Big as you want on the back of his t-shirt what has your rugby team done to fight terrorism almost nothing my my rugby team well i guess we did that fun drive to defeat isis but then we spent it all on whiskey. My rugby team, well, yeah, we mangled a lot of Al-Qaeda's ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We sent our rugby team over there.

Show them a thing or two. What's your rugby team done to fight terrorism? They actually fund it. Oh, really? Yes, we sell opium. Oh, sure. At the rugby games or just Friends and family Come on

At schoolyards Did you ever play rugby? No, but a friend of mine Family friend Played for Team Canada And one time I went to watch him At Royal Athletic Park in Victoria And a guy on the other team

stepped on his head and Twisted his cleats and my buddy had to tape his Ear with electrical tape just ran tape around his head to keep his ear on. Oh finish the game Because there was some sort of thing where he was going to play in the worlds within the month. And if he had left that game, there's like a thing, there's some sort of stipulation where you wouldn't be able to. This is worse than hearing about a bear being shot. Well, edit it out. Yeah, he got stepped on his head.

So does this guy still have that ear? Yeah. Oh, he doesn't deserve it. That's what I say. After that display of indifference towards your ear? Yeah. I always say, if you love your ear, set it free. And if it comes back, it's meant to be. Yeah, brutal. Brutes. Victoria's a big rugby town, isn't it?

Yeah. I grew up in Sioux. You can catch the bus from Victoria to Sioux. I can catch the bus. You saw that rugby game. I did see that one game, but I think I was 11. I don't think I've been to one since. Big rugby town. Yeah.

I don't know that I've ever seen a rugby game. I feel like it's like, are you guys doing this for my benefit? Because I don't know that i've ever seen a rugby game i feel like it's like are you guys doing this for my benefit because i don't like it so just knock it off fellas wear some helmets that's all i want to say they're going to be doing that kind of stuff if you're going to step on someone's head maybe either you wear the helmet or you wear like uh it's the capizio and i don't know what a pizio is. A capizio. Capizios are like dance slippers. But like, you'll remember back in the old days with the football, they would wear those

leather helmets. And nobody wears those anymore. Donate all those to the rugby teams and then they can all have at least to protect their little ears. Well, they do have ear protector things that some guys wear. Yes, but it's like... Make them mandatory. Yeah. Come on. Rugby. Stop trying to prove

how tough you are. We get it. Before every podcast, Graham and I do our tribute to rugby. We do our haka. Haka. You ever see that haka video where they do it at the gal's wedding? There's this

New Zealand lady marries some boring honky like me and he learns, like her family is haka and does it and then the whole wedding party and then the gal are doing it and she's like tearing up

as she's doing it and it's very, very. What are you going to? Is it good? It was good? It was great. Okay.

I didn't know where the story was going. You sure trailed off at the end. I sure did. Thought you were going to be like, what a deluge. Oh, man. I hope everyone's enjoying my final spy. No, no. Now, Kevin.

Are you going to do something wacky at the wedding? Are you going to do some sort of... Are you going to learn a traditional... No. Do the electric slide? I don't have to learn. The traditional electric slide. No, I don't think so.

We both aren't big on dancing and whatnot. One of you is going to flash mob. I don't know which one, but one of you is. Flash mobs are so, when are you getting married? 2018? Yeah. So 2018. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, we also have overheard sent in us by people from uh from there here anywhere that's a fun twist yeah if you want to send one into us send it into spy at maximumfund.org this first one comes from meredith in boston massachusetts i was at a huge flea market in the Big M, and I saw a guy carrying this promotional backpack. It was, and it says in big block letters, Switched at Birth Season 4. What crew? We got matching backpacks for the crew for a switched at birth i mean if you work on enough tv shows you're gonna get tired of the uh you know the varsity jacket that yeah airwolf on it well you're never gonna let go well i mean that's the coolest one the airwolf one

but but at a certain point it's's going to be backpacks, it's going to be hats. Your whole wardrobe. If you work on enough shows that, you know, how many shows can you work on in a year? Two? I don't know. Do you think that they give a backpack every season? And that's why it had to say season four? You've got to give a backpack or two.

What? season and that's why it had to say season four give a backpack or two uh i think the musical's back no i think they're probably by season four they're on backpack season one was jacket season two beer koozie yeah season three squeeze of a stress ball oh yeah oh for sure. Season five or beyond. Pidget spinner. Switched at birth. Pidget spinner. You can't buy them in stores. Buy them at a flea market. In the big M.

This next one comes from Gina from Pasadena, California. Gina from Pasadena. She's in the big C. I recently went on a guided tour of NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory. While our tour group was walking between locations, and most of us were talking about the awesome things we'd just seen, the 14-year-old boy in front of me suddenly yelled, quite angrily, at his father, She keeps twisting my words. I don't know why she thinks i'm so obsessed with noodles big offspring fan um yeah what do you think his words were they were getting so twisted i mean boy yeah i don't like noodles yeah she's twisting my words i said i don't like noodles. Yeah, she's twisting my words. I said I don't like them. Or something about, you know, there's so many types of noodles, really.

Maybe he was talking about his penne. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Could you say that one more time? I'm obsessed with penne. My penne. Jeez. Oh, jeez.

This doesn't work on any level. What are some double entendre pastas I don't know Elbow macaroni Elbow macaroni Pretty good Pasta fazool Give me the cabagool

That's not pasta though What is it? It's meat Capricol That's what it is What is it? It's a meat. I don't know. Capricol. That's what it is, but northeast Italians changed it over the years with their accent to gabagool, but it's capricol. Capricol? Yeah, it's a meat.

What's the funniest meat, Kevin? Funniest sliced meat. Prosciutto? Yes, the answer is prosciutto. don't know it's from my act okay i couldn't even remember that's how good yeah is that on the album that is on my album that is available on 604 hey hey hey i just wanted to give a shout out to doug piker the bumper from virginia who bought my album doug piker keep uh doing what you're doing man the dugger not the dugger not there you go not bad um this last one comes from carol s sitting in the car parked on commercial

drive while my husband you know andrew who played on our uh our debut album. Oh, okay. Ran into choices. A car drove past, windows rolled down, music probably blasting like crazy, looked like a couple of young guys in it. As they drove past our car, I hear a Siri-like voice saying, no matches found for staying alive. Oh, yeah, that's my commercial drive jam. Do you use Siri in the car to do things? No, not in the car. Find me a place to get stew.

No, I don't think it's good at that. I don't think it's good at like, it'll tell you, it can tell you like, here's 50 restaurants that have noodles for your obsession. Since you're so obsessed with noodles stop twisting my word siri you have to talk like that oh well um uh thanks for that in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls and to call us it doesn't take a brain surgeon it just takes you and your love of telephones and as long as you have these numbers memorized it's not going to be a problem for you and i've got them memorized too and they are 1-844-779-7631 or onePod one. Like these people here. SpyPod

Suzuki. Who's Joe? It was a guy on America's Funniest People. Oh boy. Phone call. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Melissa in Asheville. I adopted a new dog this morning, and later that afternoon,

my four-year-old neighbor came over to meet him, looked at the dog, looked at me, and said, I've never seen a dog with three legs and a penis. One or the other, but never both. I've seen three penises in one life. Also, I don't know why the, the phrasing of my four-year-old neighbor made it,

made it seem like he was living there by himself. Well, off to work. Gotta go make the donuts. Whatever. Oh, whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Anyways. This real cute image in my head of a kid living on his own. Four years old. Checking out Dog Hog. You're back on Dog Hog. You're live on Dog Hog. Yeah, hello. Hello. I saw Dog Hog today. yeah uh hello uh i i saw a dog hog today all right yeah how many legs on that dog there oh really this many

here's your next phone call hey guys uh i was an usher at an am Marshall concert last night. It was her first concert in five years. And when people were leaving, I heard one guy say she didn't say anything about her being a bitch. I think he thought he was at a Meredith Brooks

concert. That happens probably a lot at Garth Brooks concerts, too. Amanda Marshall. Canadian? Yeah. Was her saying Walla Hair? Yeah. Birmingham? Birmingham. Let It Rain? Let It Rain, yeah. She had the Felicity hair.

Yeah. Yeah. I did that once when I left a social distortion concert. And I said, they didn't play that Los Angeles is burning though. And the guy's like, yeah, that's not by them. Well, who's that by? Bad Religion maybe?

But I think that's okay. I think if you're seeing a female singer from the 90s and you think another one-hit wonder female singer from the 90s, it's sort of like... And I also think they can all just cover each other. Well, that's... I was just thinking, like, would it kill you to close with Bitch? And not just, you know, female singers. I think the Gin Blossoms can do better than Ezra songs. Why not?

Oh, absolutely. Deep Blue Something can do... Medleys. Yeah. I'm a bitch. Who's got a fast car? That's a pretty good edit. Here's Amanda Marshall.

So that's that kind of thing. At that point in the concert, I'm already like, I'll get the car. Yeah, sure. I'll get the car. We'll be the first one to know. Honk, honk. I'll get my fast car. We've got to beat traffic.

I can hear Kevin honking outside. And your final overheard. Here it comes. Daddy-o. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest. This is Trevor from Spreakville, Illinois. So he cursed and he hung up. And he called back.

Alright, sorry about that. An ice cream truck came out of nowhere. So this is Trevor from Springfield, Illinois. I'm at St. Louis Pride right now. And there's a guy peddling his wares. And he just shouted out, Gay stuff right here. All right, guys, thanks.

Gay stuff? Did he say an ice cream truck? Yeah. Well, did you hear the end of the first call? And also the beginning of the call, you can clearly hear that there's an ice cream truck coming. Right? We'll play the end of the first call again. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests.

This is Trevor from spiritual Illinois You can hear it But you're allowed to call You're allowed to keep talking to us If an ice cream truck's going by You know what happened He went and got some ice cream Yeah that's true

Yeah he didn't say He didn't say oh fuck He said fudgeicle No fudgeicle What was your favorite What was your go to On an ice cream truck He didn't say He didn't say oh fuck He said fudgeicle Oh fudgeicle Um What was your favorite What was your go to On an ice cream truck

Uh I'd like a rocket pop Yeah Nice And if they had them Uh You know For a limited time

I'd eat anything That was like Ghostbuster related Ninja turtle related Anything like that What about you It's a gadoozy What's a

It was like a rocket pop like a long and kind of swirling pop is red white and blue right yes it's a kaduzi i think was maybe like a green orange and a red but it kind of tasted like it was like soury a little bit a little bit yeah yeah dave rocket pop rocket pop like it's, those, like a Cornetto. Oh, yeah. It seems like such a waste, because you could get an ice cream cone somewhere. Yeah, that's true. What about an ice cream sandwich?

You don't see, like, I don't see ice cream sandwiches a lot of places. I know, like, I'm an ice cream lover. Yeah. I'm an ice cream bitch. I'm an ice cream lover. He's in the pocket of big ice cream. You don't like an ice cream sandwich? No, I love an ice cream lover. Yeah. I'm an ice cream bitch. I'm an ice cream lover. He's in the pocket of big ice cream. You don't like an ice cream sandwich? No, I love an ice cream sandwich.

But I don't know why if a truck comes, I always want to go Popsicle. Yeah. Like something ice themed. I think there was a summer that I thought about being one of those vendors. But it's like apparently super competitive and already dudes have their neighborhood all staked out. And so if you just go unwittingly and they'll really do all sorts of stuff to you to get you out. Growing up in Sooke, there was two ice cream trucks. There was one that looked like a regular ice cream truck.

And then the other was looked like what you would refer to as like a, uh, stalker van. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh,

it just had a stencil in red spray paint. It was like a creamy colored van with spray painted red, like a flat red, like almost like a primer, uh, just said Joshua's ice cream on the side. Joshua. Oh,

wow. If your name, did he have competitive rates to the other ice cream truck? Oh, we would never go because here's the side. Joshua. Oh, wow. If your name. Did he have competitive rates to the other ice cream truck? Oh, we would never go because here's the thing. And I'm sure he was a wonderful person. But as kids, we always referred to it as Joshua's pedophile ice cream. Oh, yeah. Because it was a creepy looking van.

Well, that's a terrible name for an ice cream company because you know what? It's going to keep people away. And I wonder where Joshua is now. Sook, you probably know. Where are you at now? I don't know. I don't know. All right.

I never met him. Never met the man. So the message today is if you're going to start an ice cream business, don't go half in. Go all the way. Buy yourself an ice cream truck. Yeah. Get a truck that's identifiable as an ice cream truck. Yeah, get a truck that's identifiable as an ice cream truck.

Yeah, don't van. Certainly, and I cannot stress this enough, do not just have an ice cream car where you just drive around with a cooler in the passenger seat.

Well, that brings us to the end of the episode. Now, Kevin. Now, Kevin, now's the time to plug your album. Oh, you already

plugged it, so that's out of the way. That's what I do, man. You got to spice in those spice in those no go for it uh yeah my album is available on vinyl cd digital download on 604records.com you can also get it on itunes spotify google play whatever the other ones are but the vinyl yes the vinyl is very cool it also comes with a digital download code. And a very sexy poster.

That you can put in your locker. You can put it in your locker. A locker-sized poster. Yeah. It's pretty sweet. So you might even say it's too sweet. I wouldn't say it's too sweet. I'd say it's the right amount. I'd say it's like the rocket pop of sweetness.

And that's a pretty sweet. Yeah. Rocket pops aren't all the way sweet, but they're mostly a delicious sweet. No, yeah. They're all the way sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even the white is, I think the white's lemon, but it's not a sour lemon. Nah.

It's refreshing. The red is cherry tomato. And the blue is, of course, barbicide. And the blue is, of course, Barbicide. Now, we have a new shirt for sale that you can buy if you go to MaximumFun.org. Yeah. It says, I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother. It's got the whole lyrics, front and back. back it says never under never underestimate and never underestimate a summer goth who listens to stop podcasting yourself and was born in december and you know what people who aren't born in

december you can still enjoy this gift yeah it's a fun shirt if you want to support the show and it's a fun shirt if you want to explain six jokes to someone that are from episodes you may have missed yeah yeah yeah but you know what uh it would make a good tinder profile pic to have a shirt that's all complicated uh here's another thing i would like to plug yeah well uh uh our other podcast our debut album yeah we finished it last song last song is out you can get the album. You can binge listen the whole thing in like 12 hours. I'll go on a car ride to Fort St. John and shoot a bear. Shoot it right in the face. Even though it was minding its own business.

It allegedly charged NSI. I don't know. And also, I co-produced and co-wrote this podcast called Road Trip Radio, which is a great family-friendly podcast in celebration of Canada's 150th birthday. Any happy returns. Tied into all that. It's a, yeah, it's super funny. It's got Pat Kelly.

It's got Caitlin Howden. It's got Peter Oldren. It's all the greats. It's the top dogs. And it only, what, a new episode every week? No, it's all the, all the greats. The top dogs. Um, and, uh, it only, uh, new episode every week. No, it's all out. It's all out. All at once.

Yes. 13 episodes, one for every Canadian province or territory. I love it. Uh, and, uh, you know what? I'll be, I'm, I guess thinking I'm in Winnipeg now, right? I don't know you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has been a hologram. You guys have been don't know you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This has been a hologram you guys have been talking to.

For the king? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? Tom Hanks movie. Okay. Is that like a new... Is that like a dad movie hologram for the king? Oh, yeah.

It's a latter day Tom Hanks movie. Yes. Sort of the day sleeper of... Wait, no. That was from an episode. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fudzicle. Fudzicle.

Anyways, I'll be in Winnipeg at the Winnipeg Fringe every night, 8.45. We Johnnies. Be there. Or you know what? Don't. It's your life. Whatever blows your hair back. That's just during the Fringe in the end of July. Yeah. And then if you like the show, you should head over

to MaximumFun.org and check out the blog recap. Pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. Oh, all of the great kid rock songs mentioned on the show. I'm sure we'll have videos posted. Wasn't there some

video that we were talking about earlier? Oh, the mouth? The robot mouth? I can't wait to watch that. Wow. Wow. Wow. And, uh... It is really funny. And if you

like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself it's terrifying. What is the purpose? MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.