Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 489 - Sophie Buddle

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Comedian Sophie Buddle returns to talk debt collectors, minor league baseball, acoustic comedy, and so many bleeps.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 489 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's only happy when it rains. Mr. Dave Schumann. I'm only happy when it's complicated. That's right. What is that?

Is it a song about garbage? Rubbish, they're called. Oh, they're called rubbish. Rubbish. Oh, don't upset the dustman. I loved that game when I was a kid. Don't upset the dustman. Yeah, it was like Don't Wake Daddy, but it was the British version.

Don't upset the dustman. Whoop. Bonk. Garbage were, the lead singer was Scottish. I guess that's British. Shirley Manson. And everyone else was American yeah and oh oh the crush I had on Butch Vig yeah it was weird because it was like because I thought they were a Scottish man but no she's just but- But it was like a pretty singer lady with a-

Real attitude. An attitude, but an accent that was very charming as well. And then these middle-aged guys in untucked dress shirts. Was this a punk band? This was an alternative rock band. Alternative rock band, yeah. Okay, but was she punky? Well, she had-

You're thinking of Soleil Moonfry. I don't think I've ever thought of that. That voice you're hearing. Our guest is someone who was born after the band Garbage. Yeah, that's right. Because you were born... 94? 94, yeah.

You were, you know, you were a garbage toddler. Yeah. I can confirm that. He's a very funny comedian. Runs a show once a month called Barely Legal at, I cannot remember the name of the space. Slice of Life Gallery. On Venables and Commercial here in Vancouver. It's Miss Sophie Buttle.

Hi. Hi. So who was your biggest musician pop star crush? Ooh. Lisa Loeb. Who was that? So who was your biggest musician pop star crush? Lisa Loeb. Who was that? Yeah, that was Dave Slate. She was a singer. Okay, for what band?

The Nine Stories. Oh, that's right. That was the name of the band. She was a solo artist, predominantly. Now she does kids music, as does everyone from the 90s. artist predominantly now she does kids music as does everyone from the 90s um and she she was the first uh she was the first singer with glasses with glasses oh and that really spoke to you yeah okay and is she still hot i yeah yeah i mean yeah i mean it spoke to a lot of i don't i don't really i don't really keep in touch with her right now. No. But I guess

she's still hot. But you keep tabs. Yeah, you always have a tab open. I have a tab open. It's really like nowadays keeping tabs is quite literal. I admit it's virtual. What about you, Popstar Crush? Probably

the aforementioned Shirley Manson. Yeah, big crush. Well, if it's a girl, the one that I like the most was Debbie Harry. Oh, Debbie Harry. I think that she's really cool. Yeah, of all time, Debbie Harry. I would have thought, since she's younger than us, she would have gone for a contemporary.

Yeah. But Debbie Harry's a good pick. And then for a fella, oh, who would be my fella? Yeah, you guys think of your fellas first, and I'll think, too. Yeah. Who's my crushy fella? I mean, I know who it is now. Oh, Jack White.

Oh, Jack White. That's a good. He's moody, but accessible. Yeah. I like his vibe. Yeah. Oh, boy. I wonder if there was a guy i mean guys i'm straight yeah didn't really doesn't mean doesn't mean you can't have a music music crush oh well i mean rivers cuomo of weezer there you but like i'm just thinking physically like who's a who's a

dreamboat man dreamboat manny who is a guy like I'm trying to think of, who is a guy that- Evan Dando. Who's Evan Dando? From the Lemonheads. Oh, yeah. I'm trying to think of a guy that I would see and then be like, I'm going to dress like that guy. Yeah, or I wish I, I'm going to take his picture to the barber and they're going to be like, just grow your hair. Yeah, do you know who I think it probably was?

It was probably Beck. Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. Because I think he was like, just grow your hair. Yeah. Do you know who I think it probably was? It was probably Beck. Oh, yeah. Totally. Because I think he was a snappy dresser, always had great hair. Good dancer. Good dancer. Good spit rhymes. Who was your guy?

Well, I said Jack White, but I would like to change it to Paolo Nutini. Do you know him? No. Who's Paolo Nutini? I might even be saying his name wrong, but I heard a couple of songs that I kind of liked, but I thought that he was really cute, so I watched the videos on mute for a while. Yeah. That's the way to do it.

He's a real cute mute. Yeah, he's a cute mute. That's a cute mute situation here. Yeah. Should we get to know us? Have we not? No, but we really did, kind of. Sophie, what's new what's so it's shaken well i had kind of a tough week oh no because you know msp are you familiar the medical services premium that's

correct that's what i'm referring to so since it's the only province that has MSB. This is political. Yeah. Yeah. Is there a new government getting rid of it? The reason this is relevant is because I moved here from Ontario five years ago and we didn't have to pay anything. Oh, no. So then I never paid since I've lived here. Oh, no. Yeah.

Because I thought this was Canada and because healthcare is free in Canada. Yeah. And so you were skipping along, going to the doctor every other day. To explain to people who aren't from this province or from this country, everyone says your medicine is free in Canada. What do they say? Gratis. When you hear your family. The healthcare is free in Canada.

I mean, it's taxed. You pay for it you're family. The health care is free in Canada. And I mean, it's taxed. Like you pay for it in your taxes. But in BC, you explicitly pay a monthly fee. Yeah. And you can pay it all in one shot if you want at the beginning of the year. That's what I do. Oh, I don't. What I do is I forget every month.

But there's never a penalty if you miss a month. But if you miss years, there might be never a penalty if you miss a month. But if you miss years, there might be. Well, if you miss five years, this is what happens. Uh-oh. So, well, also, I shouldn't have been missing because they did also send me letters every month for five years. But in fairness, they come in these brown envelopes that you do know how to open. It's true.

They are brown and they're very off-putting. And they're upside down. Like the flap off-putting. They're upside down. The flap is on the bottom. They're upside down and they're in the garbage. They get delivered and they just float their way into the trash. Somehow they're in the garbage and they also have a lot of notes on them because I have so many of them obviously. They're a big part of my life

and they've been sending me them for a long time and I kind of just thought... But if you're also, if you don't make any money, you don't have to pay. You're under the threshold. So you should call the guy that has been calling me and tell him that. Because. Oh, you get an actual person calling you? I get a pre-recorded message.

You got an actual fella after you. Well, let me just get to it. Okay. All right. No, no, no. Who is your healthcare crush? Mine's Sanjay Gupta. He's not my crush.

He's my enemy, but I'll get to it. What point was I at? Okay, so they sent me so many, and I thought that they were just going to keep sending them forever. Yeah. And that it was going to be fine. But I don't make enough money to be paying any per month. So I kind of just figured that they would figure that out and then just stop contacting me.

Call it off, everybody. To be like, oh, this is what a mistake. And then they would deal with it. Right. But instead of that happening, because I also haven't done my taxes in so many years, they don't know how much money I make. So there's no way for them to put those pieces together. So I started getting calls from collections agencies really yeah and now can I ask are these people are they calling up are they playing good cop are they playing bad cop well the first collections call that I got

the guy was a very good cop and I was kind of like as soon as he called me I knew that this was the first call that I had gotten so I kind of figured maybe I'll just charm my way out of this couple thousands of dollars that I owe the government. You're just thousands. Right, a couple thousand. Because they also have been charging me the maximum pay grade per month since I've lived here. Oh, what's that, 75? I think 75, but I've lived here for five years. So, a couple thousand.

Yeah. What's the exact number so uh what 75 a month over 12 it's 900 a year yeah so you know no way approximately yeah nobody knows it's impossible to know how much exactly yeah 45 so i spoke to this guy on the phone and i said i i told him how i don't really make any money and how they shouldn't be charging me and that basically he should go away and he was like noted he puts it down leave sophie alone he put a hold of my account for 90 days and he's like well just call them and then um and then we'll see you later let me guess what you did for 90 days nothing i did a lot of chilling i chilled out i was still the guy had a very calm voice. So I was like, what's 90? We'll be dead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 90 days is forever. I'll be dead in 90 days. So I didn't really think about it. And then actually, before the 90 days was up, I did go in. I did my taxes. I sent in the thing to the government, all my forms. All done, right?

Not all done. What? I thought this was the end of the story. You're wrong. So I sent in all this stuff and I did all of it right. And then this week, this was a couple of weeks ago. And then this week I got a call from this guy and he was so mean. He was also at the collection.

He's a bad cop. He was the bad cop. He was being so mean to me. I was explaining to him what happened about the chilling and how the other guy was very nice. I was chilling. I was at my friend's pool. The other guy I had a very lovely conversation with, and I was trying to explain that to him. But then this guy was being so rude.

He was saying, are you going to keep interrupting me? Just being like a real no nonsense. Did he mansplain it to you? He did try to mansplain it to me, and I was very insulted. And he knew my birthday, so he knew how old I was. So he was trying to be all older man on me. What's the twist that it was the same guy from the first phone call? Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation?

Dr. Munch, Detective Tutuaiola. I'm confused. Okay, sorry. The guy that you were talking that was mean turns out he was actually the guy who was nice. No, it wasn't him. He was a mean, different guy. Different guy. Okay.

All right. Can I say his name or is that slander? Yeah. His name is ******. Okay. And he works at ******. Okay. Is this ****** like the delicious chocolate?

Spell it. So if you want to give him a phone call, that's his name. I guess we'll bleep that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't want to get anybody. Yeah, yeah. Please get all of your callers to ask him why he's so rude. But then also, I feel like I'm, because I used to really break down when I had to make phone calls that were hard.

And this guy was being so mean, and I felt like I was going to cry, but I didn't cry. I feel like I'm going to cry listening to it. Thank you. And I was really stressed, and he said that they were gonna take my wages from work and he was being really mean you're like ah surprise nice try you can't take what don't exist yeah exactly so he's being so mean and so i so he said and i that but i also know that if collections people are calling you you're allowed to tell them that they're not allowed to call you anymore that they have to contact you only in writing because they're making you feel stressed. So I told him that.

And then he started saying more. How do you know that? Because my ex-boyfriend used to be a collections agent. He told me that a while ago. Was your ex-boyfriend a good cop or a bad cop? Based? I don't know. I don't know.

You won't say his name. Unconfirmed. But that's a good, that's some news you can use. Well, yeah, but I said that to him, and then he said, well, you have to tell us that in writing. And I said, okay, I'll write it down right now. No problem. Listen to me write it. But yeah.

And then he said something else mean, and then I hung up the phone, and then I cried like a lot for a while. I cried all day. How do you know he didn't do the same? Like, why do I gotta be the bad guy? No, it does, it's gotta be a terrible job.

Oh my God. Oh yeah, Every interaction you have is, yeah, what got him to that place? But anyway, so then I called,

I called the MSP people and I called the money people and they told me that they have everything that they need from me so they're gonna call the collections and put the thing on hold again. um so then i called the collections guy

back because i thought that he was really mean and they i went to i didn't remember his name when i called back so i just called the collections agency and i asked who i was speaking to and they said oh they found through my phone number and they said oh his name is and unfortunately they said unfortunately he's actually at lunch right now. And I said, that's not unfortunate. I hate him. Can you put me through to his voicemail? And they said, yes.

So I said, did you really say that's not unfortunate? I hate him. That's literally exactly what I said. I was so mad and I had really worked myself up a lot. And I was kind of like, I got to be tough and brave and stand up for myself. Did you put on some like pump up music before you made this call? No, but I was sweating a lot and kind of crying. Oh, wow.

So I called and then it was his voicemail. I'm not at my desk because I'm off doing bad deeds. And I said, I said, hello. We spoke earlier. My name is Sophie. And like how I told you, everything is sent in. So they should be contacting you. And I'm sure if everything's not worked out, I'll be hearing from you again.

And I hope that you have a bad lunch and I hate you. And I hung up. And it was pretty much the best moment of my whole life. I've never felt so alive. Yeah. Wow. You went and you fucked it all. To hear your message, press one.

To re-record, press two. I press two and then I keep saying it gets more and more workshop. And so is it all settled now? Are you in the clear? I think so, but I thought that I was all in the clear before, so we'll see what happens. So back

to chilling? Yeah, back to chilling, but I did look for him on Facebook, but I couldn't find him. That's a very common name. Bleep. Yeah, do you find that now that you do have to kind of psych yourself up for a phone call? Not just because it's always confrontational. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always had to. Always had to get on. I've always hated talking on the phone. Really? I didn't like... I found it more stressful back then because your siblings could pick it up. Oh, man.

And make fun of you. Yeah, that was really the first... Make fun of you for the voice. For your weird, scared voice as you were calling up LG73 to request patience by Guns N' Roses. Patience by Guns N'oses. Patience by Guns and Roses? Leave me alone.

Because, yeah, I had to make a phone call the other day, and I found myself not purposefully, but I was like, I'm really psyching myself up to make this phone call. It's scary. You kind of have to remember all your

uh kind of phone manners oh yeah you know uh yes may uh could you please direct me to the person who could help me with this problem and well yeah and you have to remember all your points that you wanted to say and then you also it's like improv like it's really hard because they'll say something to you that you also have to respond to yeah Yeah, they're like, you're a school teacher. Oh, okay. Wasn't really prepared for this line of questioning. But I did. I had to call my bank last week because it was just a very simple thing that they said, yeah, we'll take care of it.

And then they just never did. And so I talked to a guy and I'm like, I know you're not the guy, but how do I put this through that you guys suck? You know what I mean? And he was like, we do suck. But he was very good. Yes. And he was like, I agree. We do suck.

And he really took my side. And I was like, you're really taking. I was really hoping to yell at somebody. Yeah. And you're really taking it out. I was really hoping to yell at somebody. Yeah. And you're really taking it out.

Well, that's what was so great about this other guy on the phone is that he was giving me bad news, but he was also being really mean. And I feel like I'm never in a situation where someone's just trying to be as mean as they can to me. So it was a good opportunity to get out a lot of rage. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's really hard when someone's being kind of polite and just being passive aggressive to end up yelling at them. It's hard to get to that point. But if someone's kind of giving it to you and you're just matching their energy, it's no problem.

But it's tough face to face. Well, fuck you. Yeah, I feel like I've. Has there ever been a time when I've been like. I can't remember like in person because that's the next level. If you're like, I'm going to complain in person. I once had a, uh, this, um, the carpet cleaning service came to clean the carpets in my apartment and the landlord had given them my contact. Just like, so they'll call you and you let them in right and then they sent the bill to my landlord but my name was on the uh

their contact list like my name and my phone number was on the contact and the bill didn't get paid so the uh the collections agency came after me for like $70. Well, it's not mine to pay, but I like, and you, it's very hard to get a collections agency to believe you like that. I already sent it or it was already sent to the people who hired you. I know they never believe you. No. They never just take your word for stuff. And I don't think they, I don't think

it, suppose, like, I think they bought the debt or whatever. So, like, they need the money. So, oh, yeah, because that's a thing the companies do. Oh, yeah, I saw that on John Oliver. What, buying debt? Yeah, people buying debt. Maybe I should buy some debt. Mm-hmm. And then just start calling

people up and muscling them? I guess. I mean, that's the business, right? You buy debt, and then you don't just forgive it. You have to get in there. I'm going to buy debt and forgive it. Yeah, be like a modern-day Robin Hood. Or, you know, I feel like that's something

George Clooney would do. Nicki Minaj did that. Nicki Minaj? Yeah. I thought she paid for people's student debt, wasn't it oh maybe i guess yeah yeah i guess that nikki minaj is she a do-gooder i don't i've never yeah she'll go on twitter and say hey uh anyone who has straight a's i'll i'll uh you know pay for your college or whatever and then what if you tweet to her and say these d's get degrees? Check out these double D's. I don't have straight A's, but check out

this bad boy. It's not straight. You were the worst. So you had a battle. I feel like you came out on top. Well, you don't know yet. Yeah, but you slayed a battle. I feel like you came out on top. I feel that. Well, you don't know yet. Yeah.

But you slayed a dragon. Well, this is very, like Graham's bringing me up and you're bringing me right back down. But like, what if it's, what if you did it?

Like, it turns out that it's not resolved. I feel like have these thoughts and I would like more. More of the puzzle. Of the,

it's dealt with. Right. Bleep bleep bleep is going to die soon. And we. Bleep bleep bleep is going to die soon. Brother. Suppose he calls, or she calls up and says, hey, Sophie, I got your message. This isn't resolved.

Ball's in my court, m'lady. Well, I feel like there's nothing. If I have to pay money, it's worth it at this point. Yeah. I got what I wanted. It's pretty cool that you can then. Did you put it in writing and send it to him? No.

To not contact you by phone again? But if he contacts me again, then I will. Because you should. Like, it's great. It would be great if then you could just leave him nasty messages

and he legally couldn't call you back. Oh my God, that's true. Yeah. And then you're like, I would, but you know,

we did the proper protocol so you have to write your insults and then you're just typing insults or you should just be like, yes,

I'm going to actually fax you this it's in writing so. You're just typing insults? Or you should just be like, yes, I'm going to actually fax you this. It's in writing, so. I'm going to work really hard on that letter if I do write it. Oh, yeah. And like really pick like a nice, like a real fuck you stationary, you know? Like a real.

Well, I've heard of like, fuck me boots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Similar. Very pointy paper. Yeah., fuck me boots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Similar. It's very similar. Very pointy paper. Yeah. Like thigh-high paper. Yeah.

A lot of rips in it. So what else? Was that the entirety of, oh, what, a week? Or was there more? Yeah, I think that's mostly it. And that's pretty good. You're working during the during the days yes i work in a kitchen now you're yeah you're you're uh what are you what are you prepping what are you making well it's uh it's like a healthy health food meal prep place on davy right and people can buy their meals for the week or something and they do a lot of

different dietary restrictions does it, and does it deliver? Yeah, they deliver. Nice. Pretty cool. Because you used to work in like an ill-fated juice. Yes, I worked at a juice place. This is actually in the same room as the juice place. I just kind of went in, and I was like, I used to work here.

Can I work here again even though it's a different place? Well, yeah, I went in and I was like, I used to work here. So. Can I work here again even though it's a different place? Well, yeah. Like a cat who follows its owners to a new place or the opposite? Yeah, but the opposite. I went in and I was like, I know where the dumpsters are. So are you going to give me money every week? Now we've lost two employees sending them out to find them. So if you know where they are.

Well, yeah. And it's really fun. I'm their only employee because it's a pretty new company. Yeah company yeah and like do they let you get away with murder kind of thing or what no i haven't tried to murder anything yet but if you did you'd know where the dumpster um you recycle human hair or what is that compost that? That would be the ethical serial killer. Yeah. It was like, okay. The green river killer.

Support local murder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you're doing that. What else is going on? What else is going on in the life of a Sophie Buttle? Well, that takes up a lot of my time. I've been working out a lot to try to get in shape

just for laughs in the summer because I have my first taping. Oh, when? At the end of July. Congratulations. Oh, thank you. The listeners have just missed it. What are you working out? What's your routine? Are you building mass?

I am building mass. I have a personal trainer. We do weights three times a week. What's your personal trainer's name? Her name is Nat. We will bleep that. Yeah. She's very cool. Does she yell at you?

Does she try to be like, come on, give me 10 more of those? No, she's really nice. She lets me get water whenever I want. Oh, that's nice. It's the opposite of that. She brings you cookies? Yeah, she gets me nice and fat. What do you do?

What's the routine? Well, it's all full body workouts. We don't do like a leg day and an arm day. I don't know what that is. Yeah, Graham and I don't do workouts. We don't do any days. Legs are the bottom. Yeah, okay.

Oh, yeah, that's what gets you around. Yeah. That's what takes you out to the other side of the street from where the gym is. That's what legs do. And then arms go. No, thanks. No, thank you to the gym. Bye-bye, gym.

See you in hell. What? So, how long do you go to the gym for in a session? Well, they're an hour sessions. I've been doing it for almost three months now. Okay. So that's three days a week. Three hours a week for three months.

But then I also. $75 a month for MSP. But we weren't recording, but Graham told me that I lost weight since I've started doing that. Yeah. I'd like to have that on record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, do you feel. Graham told you that you lost weight since I've started doing that. Yeah. I'd like to have that on record. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you feel... Graham told you that you lost weight?

Yeah, just now. But did he weigh you? Yeah, yeah. I picked her up and I was like, yep, this feels like you've lost something. Yeah, and that's what I was saying is that I haven't lost any weight on the scale, which is very frustrating. No, but mentally. Mentally, I've lost a lot of brain pounds.

That's correct. A lot of brain weight. That's correct. Lost a lot of brain weight. That's right. It's all water weight anyway. Did you ever work out before? Were you ever a person to exercise? Yeah, I've always liked playing sports.

Yeah? What was your sport? Soccer, always. Were you a goalie? No! Because I feel like goalies don't do anything. I did one year of goaltending in high school. But yeah, no, you're right.

Goalies don't burn any. Yeah, they just stand there. Goalie training is actually really hard because you have to go to regular training with your team. And then you also have to go to goalie training a couple of days. And goalie training is just jumping. You just jump around for an hour because I'm short, too. So you have to be really good at jumping. There's a song about that.

And they lose a little bit of extra weight wearing those gloves. Oh yeah, it's the only position where you get to wear gloves, right? And you can wear like a crazy, you can wear glasses. Oh yeah. You can wear a hat. I know you can. Yeah, you can wear Uggs. They don't care. You can wear

bandanas. You can wear Uggs, there's no way. You can absolutely wear Uggs.'s no way absolutely wear uggs you wear a tasteful shawl but you get you get to wear a shirt that doesn't match anyone's oh yeah the other team the other original yeah um so you did you were a goalie i was a goalie for a little while but what was your go-to position well i was usually forward. I was usually like a right wing. Right. Which is at the front. Wing. I don't know.

I assume that that's up at the front. Yeah, and I've been playing lately just on Sundays. And then there's also a comedian league on Thursdays. Oh, that's got to be awful. Well, that's the one on Sundays. Where do we play on Thursdays? Do you want to come? I don't do stand-up anymore.

I can add you to the group. That's okay. Nah. You're so funny. You got that right. But you could, like, are these guys, is this team in shape or are they the worst? Are they the comedian league? The comedian league.

The comedians are in shape. Yeah? Yeah. Do they smoke? They blaze 420. Bob Marley. Sure, sure. Is it like Miley? No, Bob Marley sure sure is it like Miley

no Bob Marley oh Miley has my always been my that's your Bob weed icon Bob Marley Bob Marley

nobody smokes cigarettes anymore no they all some comedians do yeah not comedians that want to join

a soccer team though I don't know they're all like comedians are all they all want to join a soccer team though i don't know they're all like comedians are all they all want to you know to be be a contrarian well i've seen you've been tweeting a lot about smoking lately yeah yeah on your mind yeah smoking you love to smoke graham went to new york a couple weeks ago and people still smoke there all everywhere people still smoke there like okay like they didn't get the word.

No, it's fine, but I was talking to somebody who has quit for over 30 years. Graham saw a picture of 9-11 and he's like, it looks like two big cigarettes. If I could get those ciggies, is what I say. And then I go like this.

Did you quit cigarettes before or after 9-11? nobody quit before because if they did they just took it right back up again because it was a stressful time man yeah no i quit uh when i quit 2004 and i miss it every day it's it's really the only thing that i've ever walked away from that i'm like, I could really go back Do you Would you remember the last day you smoked a cigarette?

No But I do remember What time of year? Summer The best Summer 2004 The most fun to smoke The most fun to smoke time of year

We just talked five episodes ago with Mark Forward About how you love winter smoking Oh, winter smoking is so nice. Oh, I forgot. What's great about smoking is it compliments every season. Did you smoke? A little bit when I went to fashion school. You went to fashion school?

Yeah, but that was just to make friends because everybody else would smoke for lunch. How long did you go to fashion school for? Not a lot. I dropped out pretty quick. How come? Well, I had just moved here. I moved go to fashion school for? Not a lot. I dropped out pretty quick. How come? Well, I had just moved here. I moved here for fashion school. Oh, I didn't know that. What school?

Yeah, VCAD. That's where Abby went. Really? Yeah. For fashion? Yeah. That's very cool. Yeah.

I dropped out immediately. It was after the time where you don't have to pay all of it. Right. But before getting any kind of credit. And long enough to take up smoking. Well, I never smoked on my own, but I would smoke to make friends, and it worked.

Smoking on your own is the best. And also with friends. There's really no time that's spent. I feel like this is a topic where you, like, it's not funny anymore. It comes up too often that Graham wishes he could smoke again. I think it's not funny anymore it comes up too often that graham wishes he could smoke he wishes it was consequence free they do there's a lot of things i wish would you vape

no god no vaping smells good like whenever i walk through one of those clouds on the street you like it i like the smell i uh no i think no, I think vaping, uh, cause, cause, uh, the vape things are about the size now of a beer bottle. There was a time when it was the e-cigarette. And I thought. You still can. Yeah. But everybody who's serious about, you know, going pro and vaping, there are vaping competitions

now. Graham's a gear guy. He just wants to get all the stuff around the thing. Yeah. I just want to get the juice, different juices. He wants to get different vape boxes. I go, oh, today's kind of a banana and rum. You know, I'll mix them together.

I'm a summertime boy. You put the lime juice in the coconut juice. You vape it all up. Yeah, you vape it all up. But you've seen the videos of the guys doing tricks. Yeah. Yeah, the tricks are not even very cool. They're pretty cool.

Hey, come on. They're very cool. They're super cool. They're awesome. I hold my breath around, like, when I'm walking down the street, I will hold my breath, or if I'm walking near someone who I think looks like they will have BO. Oh, that's a good idea. I will hold my breath around, like, a 55-year-old lady who looks like she's wearing too much perfume.

Oh, yeah. I just have perfume dar. And I will, if a guy's vaping or smoking, I will hold my breath. Smart. Those are probably the top three. I hold my breath for the BO one for sure. Because you can see that coming a mile away. Also, I got in a car to go today.

It was one of the ones you can, that's like a Mercedes. Oh, yeah. I got in a Mercedes car to go today. Reeked of BO. Oh, no. They should have, the app should have some kind of BO tester. What it should do is like one of these automatic cleaning bathrooms. You walk out and then just jets.

Just clean the inside of the car. Just make it all plastic inside. I mean, then when you open the door, a bunch of water comes out. Maybe a fish flops around on the sidewalk. Yeah, I don't. The one thing, the thing that I've been noticing more and more on the bus is not B.O., but like Old Man Breath. Oh, man. Yeah.

I would rather B.O. over Old Man Breath. Me too. And Old Man Breath is... That's my favorite song from Showboat. I was trying to think of something. I was like, where is that from? Old Man, yeah, you did it. Congratulations.

Yeah. So you're working out. You're playing goalie. You're not. Okay. You're harassing. But what like when you say a full body workout. Yeah. What does that mean? Say it real slow talk about it muscle by muscle it's so boring i don't know is it very boring well kind of

to describe it as boring okay we could all do it and that would be fun but like what yeah what i would have fun how many exercises are there in an hour, in an hour we do three or four sets of two or three different exercises. Oh, this is turning into the math show. Yeah, a lot of twos and threes. When I go to the gym, there always seems to be... When do you go to the gym? No, no, when I had. Sorry, past tense.

Like when I smoked. God, I miss it. You know what goes well with the gym yeah no no when i had not sorry past tense like when i smoked god i miss it um you know it goes well with the gym did you ever do them both at the same time did you gym and smoke like smoke in a gym no but like smoke to or from the gym or oh sure or smoke in a white feeder while lifting a weight uh yeah i feel like that's not out of the realm of possibility do you have weights at your house? I have weights at my house now. I have weights at my house. I have weights at my house. Where are they?

On the floor, probably. They're very rarely up on a shelf. I'm not in here right now, but I think I have three or four. Three or four pounds? Some might still be in my parents house oh cool the uh

but I can't show you my weights I'm sorry they go to a different school yeah they're with my Canadian girlfriend she's more

interested in toning but I want to build mass yeah yeah you're bulking that's where unfortunately we can't use that excuse that Canadian're bulking we that's where unfortunately we can't use that

excuse that canadian girlfriend yeah because that's where we are that's why and then they beat you up because they've been toning um uh but like there were always people at the gym that seemed like they knew exactly what they were doing and they were like counting and they knew like how to move up increments and stuff yeah and i would just go willy willy gilly loosey goosey well what's great about the gym that i go to is there are a lot of those people that are that have pieces of paper with them yeah yeah there will be people with notes and like there are also people on their phone that do such weird exercises that are not helping anything that are so funny like and my trainer and i will make eyes at each other you're gonna get judged at the gym if you're doing something weird like something where you're not helping anything that are so funny. Like my trainer and I will make eyes at each other.

You're going to get judged at the gym if you're doing something weird. Like something where you're supposed to like squeeze things together and a guy's just putting his head in between them, stuff like that. I saw, I saw this one. They have like these ropes that come down from the ceiling and there's handles on them and they go about to your shoulders and you can hold onto them and you can kind of lean back and do pull-ups, like an easier version of pull-ups. And I saw this guy that had his feet in them. I saw this guy,

they were like really low and he was laying down and he had his feet in them and he was just kind of like twisting and squirming around. That would be me! And it looked like he was caught in it, like it looked like he was a fish caught in a net, but he looked really determined. He wasn't in shape either, like he he was a fish caught in a net but he looked really determined he

wasn't in shape either like he wasn't gonna be in shape ever what's the i don't i don't believe in him not with your attitude what's the dumbest looking exercise what in your opinion of the proper ones no of just any of the ones that you can do well there's one that like but doing it properly yeah there's one that my trainer makes me do on an exercise ball where you sit on it and you kind of roll back so your back is on it. And you just thrust your pelvis up. And you're just so spread and it's really embarrassing. That's pretty good. I think the thing with the ropes where a guy's got two ropes.

But once it gets going. Oh yeah, the ropes are easy though. It's not that hard to coordinate. No, but it just looks silly. It does look silly. You know what I find really hard to do? Skipping. Oh, skipping's so hard.

Skipping's impossible. Yeah. Why is that? That just seems like it should be the easiest thing. But were you able to do it when you were a kid? No. But I was not coordinated. Like now I'm coordinated, but does the rope have to go around twice?

I don't know. I could skip when I was a kid. I can't skip now. My shins, oh, they took a whipping. The last time I tried to skip, it was just like, oh, okay. All right. Okay, focus. If your shins ain't whipping, don't bother skipping.

Oh, boy. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, we're trying to get in shape Yeah, yeah, what's your routine? So I've been doing lots of the double dutch ropes I've been doing a lot of Would that be fun at a gym if somebody was doing the ropes And you jumped in? Yeah, that would be fun

You would get whipped, though I've been doing a lot of double dutch I've been doing a lot of the like Ella, Ella, clap, clap, clap thing. And I'm stick, I'm stick, I'm stick, I'm stick. Just whatever. Patty cake. And your trainer's like, Dave, you're doing great.

Somebody's been practicing at home. My trainer's like, well, Miss Mary had a steamboat. The steamboat had a bell. Miss Mary went to heaven. The steamboat had a bell. Miss Mary went to heaven. The steamboat went to hell. Hello, operator. Give me number nine. And then you do that, and then you put a check on your little paper.

That's the first set. And then I go to the bathroom doing up my flies are in the city. Bees are in. Guys, this is fun. Here's what's going on with me. Here we go. The other day I went to a baseball game. Cool.

This is the Vancouver Canadiens. This is a summertime treat. Treat. Yeah, a tradition. I don't think I talked about it last time unless I maybe mentioned that Roger Clemens' son was playing and I think it's coming back to me that I did. Okay. But yeah, it was great It was I think I talk about it once every 52 weeks

On this show What do you get from the snack bar We got one of everything Because this was the first year that Margo Was really kind of aware We couldn't just drag her along She needs to kind of Know what's happening

Did she wear a little baseball hat Yeah it's got little ears on it We couldn't just drag her along. She needs to kind of know what's happening. Did she wear a little baseball hat? Yeah, it's got little ears on it. Like baseball player ears? Yeah, baseball player ears. With sideburns. Oh, cool. Yeah. So, yeah, no, we took her and like we had to tell her,

so we're going to a baseball game. It's going to be fun. Don't have to stay for the whole thing. And, like, we described what was going to happen. There's going to be some guys playing on the field. Yeah. You don't need to pay attention to what they're doing. Sometimes you'll clap.

Do you ever do the wave? No. None of the Canadians. The stadium doesn't go all the way around. It's like high school bleachers. There's like two rows of seats. So, does she get in for free? No.

No. Okay. So, now she's a full participant. The baby gets in for free. Poppy gets in for free. Lucky. But, yeah. Most of the explanation was like, here are some of the foods that we're going to have. Baseball foods are great.

It's going to be, we're going to go and we're going to have a bunch of treats. Oh, man. That is the way to sell sports to somebody who doesn't know anything about sports. Like Graham? Yeah. Tell me more about these treats. Well, pretzels. Hot dogs. Are we talking hard or soft pretzels?

Soft. Popcorn. Cotton candy? No, we didn't bother. That's a little much. I need you to finesse me a little bit with the sugar. I can't just be a clump of sugar.

You don't like cotton candy. No, I like it fine. I'm not going to give it to my daughter. Well, you just eat it in front of her and love it. Now, the thing about cotton candy when you're a kid is that it looks so much better than it is. You're wrong. No, really? It's so great.

It melts in your mouth? I used to get it at 7-Eleven when they would sell it there. No. During high school. That couldn't have been good. Like circus rejects. Wait, how is it good fresh? I don't know, but isn't that the thing?

It is. It's fluffier, isn't it? To see a guy put a stick in the thing? Yeah, it's fun to watch the circle. Well, let me tell you, it's fine no matter what. But I did not give it to my two-year-old no within just like yeah a frozen lemonade oh so good uh uh there were no snow cones but some ice cream of some kind now when you get these foods snow cones different innings different

innings different food or all one purchase and then just go with it? Too few purchases. But it was like, Abby would go out and come back with two things. I'd go out and I'd bring Margo with me because it's boring sitting there. Let's go for a walk. Last time I was there, I got really horrible sunburns on the top of my thighs because I wore shorts and I was sitting the whole time. You were sitting in the sun. Yeah, I was sitting in the sun. It's such a it's so cheap to go to a game too. You can sit in like the

first row. I did that time. For $15. Oh, wow. And you're like, well, I'd be foolish not to, but then you get a sunburn. So you sit a few rows back underneath the overhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, it's been forever since I've been to a baseball game. But it is. It's treats. It's all treat based.

Did you even keep score? Like, were you even watching the game? Yeah, we lost. Oh, okay. To the Everett Aqua Socks. Oh, yeah, but they're so good. Yeah, they're so good. Yeah, they're having a hell of a season.

Anybody who wears socks in the water is really good at athletics. But my feeling is that this is a city, we live in a big city in a tiny league. So it's us versus Everett and Salem Kaiser and I don't know, Tri-Cities.

And so I feel like these 20-year-old guys, they can't drink in the States. They come to Canada, to the big city. They should be hung over for every game. We should clean up. Yeah, that's true. They're living, and also like our weed laws are a little bit looser. Well, not than maybe Washington. But yeah, like, you know, if they're getting all freaked out.

Yeah, sure. But it just makes them play better. Makes them more focused. He's never hit a home run in his whole career. A home run. A home dinger is what I was thinking in my head. Oh, and they even have a bouncy castle area for the kids. Oh, what?

But then my friend was like, oh, yeah, just so you know, that's in prime line drive foul ball territory. Let's go. You don't want it at paying customers. No, yeah. You just want the kids they're not in free yeah exactly um yeah i'm like i guess games were always pretty kid kid friendly even when i was a kid like it was a lot of the mascot was really earning their keep and uh there was a cannon that went off that was a lot of fun of fun. There aren't cheerleaders

for baseball, right? No. Although why not? It seems like that's the sport that would benefit the most. You could really spice it up. Well, there's a grounds crew that comes and does the YMCA when they're raking the field. That's pretty sexy. There's sushi races. If you like bad

running. Yeah, yeah, I do like bad running. They have four pieces of sushi that run against each other, which is sort of fun, except when you have to explain to your kid what sushi is. It's the thing we always order and you refuse to eat.

And then there's a, I was watching like, you know, the clips of the week or whatever on Monday night, and there's some team that has a guy that dresses in one of those morph suits and i don't know what that is uh you know like the the green men oh like an all like one one color spandex yeah and he's really fast and they'll pick somebody out of the stands and

you race them and if you win you get some kind of prize and it was just a montage of people beating this guy he's not He's not that fast. Why did he get this job? Well, I think he's pretty fast for a guy who owns his own morph suit. Well, you know, then he gets out on the field and everybody's like, I'm legit fast. I'm gonna go.

I love those. I think they're so funny. I think always sunny in Philadelphia didn't start that trend. The green suit? Yeah. No, but they might have brought it to everybody's attention. Yeah. Because now you can just order them online and then you just have one.

I think there's also some sort of weird sex thing tied into them. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think there's people doing all sorts of weird sex stuff in these morph suits. Like what kind of sex stuff? You know, upstairs, downstairs. Like racing? Yeah, racing, upstairs, downstairs. Cutting a hole. Conditioning. Cutting a hole, I think there's people doing like all sorts of weird sex stuff in these morph suits. Like what kind of sex stuff? You know, upstairs, downstairs. Like racing? Yeah, racing. Upstairs, downstairs. Cutting a hole.

Conditioning. Cutting a hole, I think. Yeah, cutting a hole and, you know, maybe dressing up like a Captain America or something like that. I think there's a lot of that that's all folded into the. Mace did make his own Flash outfit with one of those. Mace? The red one. Now, Mace is.

Mace is my boyfriend. Oh, yeah. I thought we were talking about the rapper. And I was like, I don't remember that. When he made his own Flash costume. Yeah, when he was hanging out with P. Diddy. Oh my god, have you seen the trailer for the new P. Diddy, the documentary? No.

Anyways, I won't spoil it, but it's worth watching. You can spoil the trailer well he okay when he talks about the night that Notorious B.I.G. was shot and killed he says that night I felt like I died I'm like no

the guy that your friend died you didn't die you did the opposite of dying your friend was the one who died that sadness you feel that's part of life. Well, yeah, that's a rapper trying to explain his feelings. Yeah. I died that night. Well, close.

Yeah. But the guy next to you. Similar. You knew someone who died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, even though he's gone, they still a team. Through your family, I fulfill your dream. P. Diddy. P. Diddy. Yeah yeah it's a song from when you were three yeah it's your birthright yeah um so yeah saw baseball hope i haven't already talked about it

no you haven't because i would have i would have remembered all this talk about snacks we um this is our last of the episodes that we're banking for While Graham's Away. Yeah, until we bank some more in August. Yeah, but then next week's episode will be... Will be live. Well, not live. We don't do live. What?

Why have I been holding my tongue this whole time? But the way we've been doing it is we knew you were going to go away in the summer. Yeah. So back in March, I think like a few out of towners happened to be around in the same week. So we were like,

well, we might as well get ahead in March. Yeah. We just kept a month ahead for four months. And you know what? Here's, here's a list of things that we predicted 100% correctly. The BC election.

The resurgence of fidget spinners. The resurgence? Yeah. It dipped and then they came back. Huh? When did it dip? Two weeks ago. And then did it dab?

What? No, the dabbing's over. Dabbing's gone forever. Do you think? I hope. Is that this one? Yeah. Did I do it right? You did it dabbing's over. Dabbing's gone forever. Do you think? I hope. Is that this one? Yeah.

Did I do it right? You did it. Say it again. Dave just dabbed. I guess it's back. Yeah, if you get a trendsetter to do it. They call me the dabbing dad. Dab shimka.

Yeah. Check out my all purple suit. All purple fleshy suit or whatever why is it the morph suit yeah now i was just picturing like a guy who had like a purple but it's all lumpy like a human morph suit i don't because i think that's a power rangers i think it's a brand name just somebody came up with that i don't know i don't know am i accidentally carrying water for some brand by saying more suit like i've created the xerox of tight spandex one pieces all right uh graham yes sir what's up with you uh so last week i went uh over to vancouver island to do a show in a small i don't know if it's a town or a suburb called langford okay which is i'd say that's in greater victoria yeah and it's like lang and i thought of it as uh the place that Roseanne was set, which was Lanford. Oh, really? Yeah.

Was that a fictional place? Yeah. So, I didn't have high hopes for this gig. I didn't have any hopes. I just was like going over. I thought it was a good chance to see my grandmother.

Is this Gran or the other one? This is the other one okay the one that's still alive uh okay and then uh bran flakes uh no this is raising bran okay um so this gig the here's the one thing that you always can count on comedy-wise. If you go into a place and the ceilings are any higher than about eight feet, you're in trouble. And I would say the ceilings in this place, 30 feet. But not a theater. No, no. What type of venue?

Like higher than it is long. Yes. And it was, this is a good is long. Yes. And it was this is a good question. What kind of space it was? Was Jay Leno, did he have all of his cars in it? Because that's an airplane hangar. It

was I think a sports bar but all of the decor was like basically what you would see at the Hard Rock Cafe. Oh. So big pictures of John Lennon and jim morrison and jimmy hendrix and i was like so i don't get the theme and then there was one area of the bar at the back where the comedians were sitting where they were only playing pop hits of the 90s and really loud so you could barely talk to each other but uh that part of the bar didn't

carry over into the other part of the bar where they were watching sports so it was a real hodgepodge of what this place was but it wasn't a place that you should do comedy that was uh me as soon as i walked in it was like oh boy like this is not gonna go well and there was a group of people at the front of the stage that had now this is keep in mind this is a thursday night and these people are drinking like it is thursday day two of marty groff like they are plastered it's only about eight o'clock and they're just hammered they're all sitting in the front and so i was like uh yeah this is is going to go how it's going to go. And how many comedians on? I think there were six, maybe. And you knew?

Yeah, I knew the guy that was hosting it. I had met some of them at different shows in Victoria. And they were all fine. It was the crowd that was just not going to be. And then they were like, yeah, we're going to do an intermission. I was like, well, that will ruin the best of shows. But this certainly isn't the best of shows. So I was like, maybe it'll make it better.

Maybe everything's backwards in this place. And anyways, I went on stage. I think I got three minutes in before I was like, this sucks. I don't want to do this. So I said, I took, I was was like I don't know how much uh chord the mic has but I'm just gonna go over to the side of the stage and anybody wants to join me over there can because these people don't they couldn't care less like they're like climbing on each other they're talking they do like they're oblivious that there's even a show and then I got over the

side of the stage and I was like I don't even need the microphone just whoever wants to hear me tell jokes come over to this corner of the bar and by the end i had everybody oh really i had everybody had the bartending staff all left the bar and came over and i became like this real campfirey oh that's very it seems like that's a uh something you would do with children. Yeah, it was. Like if I just start whispering, the kids will get quieter. Did you flash the lights on and off? I just put up my hand. Yeah, and then slowly they were like, look and listen.

Okay. It was. It was very much like an old thing you would do. So the people came up on stage? No, no. Like I left the stage So I was standing by the entrance Did they pull up chairs?

Or were they cross applesauce? Some people were standing, some people were seated Some people pulled up stools And then I just Finished my act Acoustic Storytellers And then I was like, we gotta get the fuck out of here.

Like, this calm is not gonna last. And so, yeah. Left immediately. And then the next day, you know what? Because I felt so beat up by that show. Went and bought myself a hat. Is that the one you're wearing? No, no.

I bought myself a hat that was similar to a hat that I already had. Went and tried on about 20 hats, because that's what you do at a hat store. And I tried on some funny hats, you know, like Tom Petty top hat. What else did I try on? What described the hat you bought? A fedora? Yeah, like a fedora. And you're like, you think men should have more rights. Like, I don't think that they should have more.

You think that they're in danger of losing the ones they have. Right. Yeah. They're threatened by the matriarchy. Sure. And this nanny state. You know what I mean? Like, everyone's being triggered.

You know what triggers me? Lactose. All right. All right. All right, guys. Because basically, if you think a woman should be the president,

el presidente, you're a cuck. Yeah, so that was my show in Langford, British Columbia. Great little hamlet, if you ever happen to be over there. I can't recommend enough. Did you get Sports Music Bar? Is that what it was?

No. Did you get your hat at Hat Hamlet? I got it at Lids. I went to the mall. I went to Lids. Try it on the Tom Petty hats wear your Tom Petty hats Lids I went to Lids

because I wanted to get a tennis visor because I think that that should be my new look and they didn't have any oh really yeah I was very upset with Lids

yeah wear tennis stores yeah well I went in and I said do you have any visors and they said just that one

I said I hate that one do you have like an Adidas one and they said you should try the Adidas store and I was like that's a good idea and then did you call back and be like i want to report your salesman gave me a lot of attitude and he was like you have 90 days to look for a visor there yeah i'll get around to it otherwise we're shipping you this visor so did you get a visor? No. Oh.

That would be a fun look, but summer is already here, so you have to have already registered your summer look. Oh, no. Dave and I did it early this year. We both registered in March. Yeah. Which address did you register under?

Oh, I registered under, I actually have to update my address. Your hat dress. What? Address for hats. Oh, sure. Okay. All allowed.

But only this one. Well, I was thinking summer looks were mostly about what headwear you were going to wear. It is, but it's also about like, am I going to wear button-ups? Am I going to be like more sporty? Am I going to be more like a slacker skater guy well you have all of those things happening with this outfit yeah yeah yeah and so but that's because i registered early i had more options it's like gym class where you pick oh yeah i thought kind of that my summer look this year was going to be curly hair yeah but then i burnt my finger really bad because i left my hair curly well yeah well i. Well, I have curly hair, but then I go through it with a wand to tighten them up a little.

But then I burnt it really bad yesterday, and it's really killing me. Well, I think because when it's just the natural curls, you look like a mermaid. Oh, yeah. When Oprah's hair is all kind of frizzy. Yeah. That's a good look. It's great. Yeah. Like casual cashm look. It's great. Yeah.

Like casual cashmere sweatpants Oprah. Ooh. Do you guys kind of wish that she was still on TV every day? Just a little bit? Yeah. Yeah. You miss her? Oprah was never my truth.

Who is your truth? Ellen. Oh, smart. Ellen's my truth. Will you be devastated when she goes off the air? Because inevitably, you know, everybody must go. I don't want to think about that yet. Do you know that Ellen and Whoopi Goldberg are the exact same age?

Holy shit. What? Really? Yeah. And also, they're not. But Whoopi Goldberg's only like three years older. Yeah. That's.

Those are a long three years, though. How old do you think it was? How old do you think Ellen is? 100 No you don't I don't know I've seen her lately and she looks older Yeah but what do you think? She's in her 50s?

I think late 50s Oh really? I thought she was like 55 And so really Whoopi Goldberg's only like 61? I think I looked this up a little while ago For some reason Like about these two, you wanted to know?

But why does Whoopi Goldberg seem older to me? Is it because she played like Sage characters? She has an older voice And she's also been, she was like a movie star While Ellen was just kind of famous Right Yeah, Ellen was like doing stand-up And Who she was like a movie star while Ellen was just kind of famous. Right. Ellen was like doing stand up when Whoopi was a movie star.

Yeah. But also like, didn't she also, and she also wears like a lot of like robes. Sure. But I feel like robes. That's a good summer look. Wow. Sorry, sorry. You Whoopi registered it already.

But you know, don't robes kind of like... Yeah, yeah, wisdom, wisdom. They say wisdom. Yeah. If you want to, you know what? If you want people to treat you with some kind of respect like you're a smart guy, don't go back to school. Just start wearing a robe.

Yeah. That's my summertime advice. Summertime advice? Before we go to overheards? Wear sunscreen. Wear sunscreen, advice? Before we go to overheards? Wear sunscreen. Wear sunscreen, Dave? Never wear sunscreen. Whoa!

Whoa, conflicting. Yeah. Tiebreaker. Wear robes. There you go. Do you guys want to move on to overheards? Yeah, okay. All right.

What the f*** is an interview? I mean, I do not know. That was Oscar-winning filmmaker Errol Morris. I'm Jesse Thorne, host of NPR's Bullseye. Allow me to introduce The Turnaround, a new podcast series produced by MaximumFun.org and presented with the Columbia Journalism Review. Join me as I sit down with some of our greatest living interviewers to ask them about interviewing and why and how they do what they do. We'll go deep with some of the biggest names in media. People like Larry King, Katie Couric, Audie Cornish.

We'll be among friends on The Turnaround. Two episodes a week, all summer. Subscribe now and tell somebody. Creativity, comedy, and friendship. All these things and more are waiting for you at max fun con east at the maybe haunted pocono manor september 1st through 3rd we only have a few tickets left and they're on sale right now so head on over to maxfuncon.com to buy your tickets don't miss out Go to Whoopi Goldberg and Ellen DeGeneres. Okay. Ellen DeGeneres is 59. Whoa. Whoopi Goldberg, 61. Oh.

So just over two years apart. Hmm. Whoopi Goldberg's full name, Karen Elaine Johnson. What's Ellen's full name? Karen Elaine DeGeneres. Oh, weird. They have so much in common. They could both be friends with my grandma, I think.

You think? If we could set it up. What's your grandma's robe situation or garment flowing? Well, neither of my grandmas wear robes, but one of my grandmas is very partial to salmon colored velvet tracksuits. That feels like that's more like a whoopee friend. Yes. Huh. What?

I'm using Wolfram Alpha. What is that? It's a website that gives you statistics, but you can also take two celebrities and put verses in between them and it'll compare a bunch of things about them. Okay. So it's giving me both of their spouses. Whoopi

Goldberg had a five-year domestic partnership with Frank Langella. Really? In the late 90s. Really? According to this. Wow, because I know she was with Ted Danson for a time. Yeah, that's not listed here.

Maybe they think Frank Langella is Ted Danson? I want a website that gets people confused. Yeah, it's called Schmoogle. And you go and it's like, you type in Frank Langella and it just, it doesn't say, did you mean? It just gives you Ted Dance inspiration. It's half Ted Dance and half Leslie Nielsen. Oh, I really like this idea. Oh, I really like this idea.

Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there, and then we share them here on the podcast, and we always like to give it on over to the guest. Okay, well, I have a couple. I wasn't sure which one to do because none of them are truly great. But I'll give you that. Okay, so the first one is I had a show in Quesnel, B.C. Ah, outside Parkerville. Sure, sure.

And just to give you an idea of how my show went, this is the overseen that I have. Right. On the only Chinese food restaurant in town, there was graffiti on it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yeah, that said, Cat Lives Matter. Oh, boo. Yeah.

Boo. Yeah. Boo to the whole town, you know? Get your shit together, cat lives matter. Oh, boo. Yeah. Boo. Yeah. Boo to the whole town. Get your shit together, Quenelle. Absolutely. So then my other one is I have a new roommate, and she's really sweet and really soft-spoken. But when she first came in to see the apartment, she was kind of really shy, and we were talking, and I was asking her kind of how she likes things and just some basic questions.

And she didn't really give me anything except for she said she's like I don't like it when the counters are wet okay and so I was talking to my boyfriend after that and I was like I don't know really what that means but I'm not I'm gonna keep the counters dry that's for damn sure and then I just asked her about it and then I was like so have they have the counters been dry and she was like what and i was like you said that that's important to you and she was like i was just so nervous i blacked out uh the counters i guess that's oh you have questions for me oh yeah it feels like that was one of the things like in the job interview when you're when they're like well and do you have any questions and you're like i should have prepared something oh yeah that's oh when they turn it over to you so do you have any questions? And you're like, I should have prepared something. Oh, yeah. When they turn it over to you, so do you have any questions?

I always ask, how much do you weigh? What time is it? How much time has passed? Aren't you supposed to be like, maybe I don't want this job. Oh, yeah. Wait a minute. That's when you play hard to get. Describe your weaknesses.

That really only works in a situation where you don't need the job like do you have any questions for us how soon can i start yeah do you uh will you abuse any of my human rights i'm okay with that for a while uh dave overheard i suppose yeah um i thought i had a margo one we were just playing in the break we just played a little hide and seek outside with margo and she's just learning hide and seek but she cannot she loves it so much that she cannot uh be quiet when she's hiding yeah she's giggling so much the best and she was it was great because she was hiding

behind a plant and she was giggling the whole you could see her from a hundred yards away well she had a very colorful dress on yeah

well the way we play is she hides and I find her and then I hide and she eventually finds me because I'm so good at it but then

she will only hide in the spot that I just hid. Because she's like, wow, that was a great spot. Anyway, so that's not really an overheard. That's an overseen, very clearly seen. Just wanted to talk about it. Yeah.

My overheard is, what do you guys say when you get into a cab? When I get in? Follow follow that car step on it yeah uh you know usually they say where to mac and i say uh you know uh 50 to 8 and toys yeah you just say hi yeah i say i say hey how's it going and they go and you tell them where you're going yeah exactly and so i i thought it was weird because I was walking down the street and I saw this guy get into a cab and he said, Hello, my name is Steve. I'm going to... And then the address.

I'll be your waiter for this evening. You don't introduce... It's not an Uber where it's like, are you Steve? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, I'm Steve. And everything's going to be fine. Oh, hi, Steve. As long as you refer to me as Steve and not Steven.

I'm Steve. This is my summer look. Yeah, yeah. Gavin and I had a really fun bit last night. We were walking around the city really late at night. It was on Granville and it was really busy. And he kept going, taxi. And then taxis would stop and he'd go that's what you are

and then we would keep walking oh that is not a fun day we're getting so mad at him there's one cab that followed us for like five blocks i can see that yeah it's a it's a fun gag to do one time how many times did he do it gavin was quite stoned uh what you can do if they're following you just start walking the other way so they can't reverse. Yeah, exactly, because they'd have to do a U-turn. We were going home, though. I know, but if you want to lose someone pretty quick. I'd get in another cab and be like, don't follow that car. Do the opposite.

Unfollow that car. Lose that car. What? Block that car. I used to do that when I was a kid. I would be like, oh, the bus is about to stop at the bus stop. I'm going to run from a block away and pretend I oh, the bus is about to stop at the bus stop. I'm going to run from a block away and pretend I'm chasing

the bus. Oh, so it would stop? So it would stay and wait for me. Then I would just keep running past it with my hand in the air. I remember once when I was a kid, well, teenager, and there was a helicopter that was searching for

somebody that stole something. Yeah, maybe. But my friend and I were like, duck in and out of bushes. And then all these cop cars blocked us. Really? Yeah, because we were doing the exact thing that they were looking for.

That's so funny. Yeah, we were really dumb. A couple of dum-dums. But you know what? Hiding is funny, though. Hiding is funny. Like, it were really dumb. Couple of dum-dums. But you know what? Hiding is funny, though. Hiding is funny. Like, it's funny if someone's looking for you. Oh, yeah, it's funny to jump out at the last second.

Or, like, oh. My family used to do this, and I still do it. And it would work when I was a kid, and, like like we'd be in a department store and there's all these racks of clothes and my dad would just like dip duck behind one rack of clothes and you'd lose him for two seconds and he'd say hi i'm over here but now but now we still do it if we're hiding in those clothes circles in the circles yeah my mom was addicted to Winners when I was little and still. But when I was little, I would hide in the circles, and she wouldn't notice that I was hiding for a long time.

She's at the checkout. Eventually, she would open the thing, and I would be there. And then I would be like, I gotcha. She'd be like, did I bring you with me, Sean? Oh, I just noticed I had 20 seconds of peace. Yeah, she was confused. Oh, boy. Do you have an overheard?

Yeah, mine's from a while ago. A while ago when I went to New York City, there was a guy. Now, this is, I don't know, it's not, weed is not legal in New York, I don't think. It's legal everywhere, man. Yeah, that's true. It's natural. Miley's taking over. But there was a van, it was just a straight up van that had stickers on the side that

An SUV? A straight up van? I drive an SUV. Oh, it's for a utility vehicle? That's a fun bit. I drive an SUV. Oh, it's for a utility vehicle? That's a fun bit.

It's, you know, had stickers of the different types of edibles that they were selling. And the guy's slogan was, I got candy for sale, but it's for adults and adults only. And that's what he said to everybody who walked past. There were no kids. This was like 11 o'clock at night. But he was he was making sure

that in case any kids were like candy. No. Listen to the rest of my spiel. Oh you're in a straight up van still in candy. Well they said that that's why

edibles were illegal is because it markets weed to children. And effectively so I imagine. Well yeah it marketed edibles to me too because it markets weed to children. And effectively so, I imagine. Well, yeah. It marketed edibles to me, too. Because they're like, oh, candy that's for adults, too? Like, you feel cool? Yeah, when we took Margo to the baseball game,

it was like, well, we're going to take you to the... There's going to be so many treats, they don't have weed in them. Honey. But yeah, like, if I was a kid now, and I saw a bunch of adults eating candy at a party. And then laughing and being so excited. Yeah, because that's what happens to me when I eat candy.

So I just want to like. I'm getting really into like Fellini. That's what you do at Edible. Oh yeah, I just watch Satyricon. Whatever. Is that Fellini? Yeah, why not? Hey, you.

When you were talking about wet counters. Right. I do have that problem. I've always had it when someone tells me to, like, clear the table or wipe the countertops. I cannot squeeze enough water out of the rag or whatever. Oh, before. And then you get, like, a wet counter? Yeah. I don't know how other people do it. Oh, before, and then you get like a wet counter? Yeah, I don't know how

other people do it. Well, you can't move in with us then. Well, fine. I don't know. I just, I guess, maybe I have wet counters. I don't know. I don't know. Well, I never noticed that either. Like, I'll notice in the bathroom sometimes, like if you wash your face you get some splash back, but I think

she meant the kitchen? Yeah, like if you wash your face, you get some splash back. But I think she meant the kitchen. Yeah. Like I can see when I do dishes, then I get a real wet counter because you've got the dish rack drying and then you've also just got splash. But the last step of doing dishes is wiping the counter. Yeah. Or it ought to be. Yeah. True.

That's why you got the sponge on one side and the scrub guy on the other. That's what ShamWow's are for. You use a ShamWow to clean a counter? But I should get one. Yeah. The plural is Sham's Wow. Is that right? Yeah.

What's a group of Sham's Wow's? Oh, God. Yeah. What's the... What was Vince's last... What was his last name? Chase? Shlomi?

Which one? What was the name of the Sham Wow guy? Oh. He's changed his name to Vince Offer. But it was... He had a funny last name.

Yeah. I don't remember. I remember meeting him at Just for Laughs. So that's an exciting thing that could happen. Did he host a gala or something? No, no. He was just at one of the parties. Vince the ShamWow guy.

Wow. Yeah, I got my picture taken. He was the only... It's... Oh. What? Huh? Is this another...

Is this brought to you by that same uh search engine well he goes by the name of vince offer yeah also known as vince schlomi or the shanwow guy but his birth name is offer schlomi yeah that should be his celebrity name because he I thought offered just came from the fact that like offering stuff and like we have a one limited time offer of these Shamwows

oh wow huh he's one of the only celebrities that I like got a picture with where I was like I gotta get a picture with this guy

did you get one of him like dabbing your sweat with a Shamwow he uh he grabbed onto my beard for the picture it was great love it yeah it's a cherished it's a cherished memory sweat with a ShamWow. He grabbed onto my beard for the picture. It was great. Love it.

It's a cherished memory. And I felt like, I was like, this is about right. This is about who I should be mingling with. The ShamWow guy. I feel like this is appropriate. We should be at the same party together. Me and ShamWow.

Who else would be at that party? ShamWow. Billy Blanks yeah all of the spokes uh spokes maybe like uh you know like Chuck Norris's first wife she she would be there sure Frank Langella um now we also have overheards uh sent in uh by people i assume i assume they're not robots but you know what if there is a robot yeah if you're programming an overheard bot by all means let us know yeah and send away to maximum uh spy at maximumfund.org uh this first one comes from a jason a parts unknown is uh this is the in a movie theater the end movie credits are playing a woman says well i guess it isn't a movie without a sia song i thought we had found them we

finally found the yeah i went to this website that only tells you which movies don't have Sia songs in them. I don't even know what movies do have Sia songs in them. Oh, there's certainly that Chandelier movie. The movie about the kid dancer. I just showed my dad that music video. And? What was his review? Well, he didn't.

I'm always trying to show him music and he's always like, no, I don't like it. He doesn't have synesthesia. What does that mean? It's when you can see music. Oh, okay. Well, I showed him this video, and he didn't comment on the song, but he said, what a dancer. And I was like, that's pretty much as good as I'm going to do, I think. And your father is also, he's a musician.

Yeah. So he only likes what he plays? Well, he only likes stuff that's in his world and what's in his world things have artistic value the doobie brothers yeah any kind of brothers the smoke doobies yeah yeah yeah the doobies the who else uh well he really likes zappa oh yeah oh your dad's a nerd does he like steely dan yeah yeah that's those are the two nerd nerd nerd dad things yeah well my dad's kind of punk yeah like how so like he was like he was always he's always been in like punk bands he was just letting you walk around winters um this next one comes from uh ian in denver i teach at a middle school one of my seventh grade

students was styling another student's hair while he worked i heard him say i'm so good at this when i grow up i'm gonna be a taj mahalogist which is not thing, but it's a what a great name for something that doesn't exist. Doing hair? Yeah. So maybe like doing it at fancy points. Yeah. I'm the I'm the world's foremost Tajmahologist. Tajmahal is a building that a guy built as a monument to his dead wife.

Yeah. While he still had other living wives. Really? Yeah. Oh, yikes. Way to his dead wife. Yeah. While he still had other living wives. Really? Yeah. Oh, yikes. Way to pick a favorite. Yeah. So those other wives, he's like, you know what?

I'll take you on a shopping trip. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. I'll give you a lesser Taj. Taj him a small. Yay. And this final one comes from Mark S. from Cleveland.

Mark Shamka? My brother? It might be. Wait, he doesn't live in Cleveland. No, he moved to become a... He heard the Cleveland Rock. Yeah, I was like a museum guy at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Oh, a docent?

Docent. Yeah. I was going to say a proctor. This is at Walmart. A nine-year-old boy. But they're so sticky. Exasperated mom. Why the hell do you want a plunger?

Boy, matter of factly, to hang from the ceiling. Oh. To hang himself from the ceiling? Yeah, well, like to get a... Yeah, not to commit suicide. No, no, no. to hang himself in the ceiling yeah well like to get a yeah not to commit suicide no no no

but but you know that is totally what a kid thinks have you guys watched the Captain Underpants movie

no it's really good you like plunger humor I do and you obviously do yeah it's the

best film I've ever seen but you also see a lot of these films, as you've talked about in your act, very high. Yes, I was probably the highest I've ever been when I saw Captain Underpants. Yeah. But it was the best movie ever made. I don't take that back. But would you go and watch it not high just to see?

What time of day was this and were you the only adult without a child? Well, it was opening weekend. You've heard my joke about this. And Mace and I went to go see it and nobody was in the theater. It was Sunday night. It was like it came out on Saturday. We went there Sunday night.

Seven o'clock or something. And you were high as a kite by then. And I think it's gonna be a long, long time. I want to swing

from a chandelier here. From a chandelier here. I'm chandelier here. One, two, drink. One, two, drink, drink. Huh? I'm doing the dance like perfectly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's amazing what Sophie can do in such a small space. Now, in addition to overheards that are written, and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us, you don't got to be a genius. You just need a digit on your hand. And that digit is a finger. And you got to use one of them to call the number that I have here in my brain. And I didn't accidentally Google shop podcasting yourself so I could figure it out.

It's 1-844-779-7631 or 1 Ugh. SpyPod 1. What I should have done in the break is called up our overheard line with a funny voice to be the guy from the

collections agency. Alright. Bleep. Hi Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. My name is Pox H. from Asheville, North Carolina, United States. I was just in the gas station

and the employees were behind the counter looking at a magazine. I don't know if you know of them, but it's a magazine that shows mug shots of people who have been arrested. What? And one employee said to the other, wait, what's a 50B violation? And the older lady said, hell if I know, 50-year-old bitch.

What is this magazine? It's great. Yeah, it is great that that exists. Mug shot monthly? Modern mug shot. Yeah. Oh, boy. it's great yeah it is great that that exists just like shop monthly modern mug shop yeah oh boy hell yeah and then hell if i know and then comes up with the perfect answer oh boy like maybe buying themselves a little time with the hell if i know come on work it work it out not boobs this was not a lady with 50 boobs. But maybe she went to Dr. X

and he ate them and now she's boobless. Okay, no, we went down the wrong path with this one. 50-year-old bitch. Yeah. I'm just going to say it and chips fall where they may.

All right. Next phone call. Hey, guys. I'm a guest. So my wife and I were sitting at our high school son's baseball game and sitting next to some young girls, teenagers. And they had been playing, like, you know,

Eye of the Tiger and Crazy Train and Iron Man between innings. Between one inning, they're trying to play, and you could hear, uh, drop through Jupiter. Crazy Train and Iron Man between innings. As the mid-stream on the innings are sort of playing, you could hear Drops of Jupiter. Trains, you know, Drops of Jupiter on the radio. And one girl looks through her, and her buddy says, that's the song I want to tell you about. It's great. I don't know what song they're talking about.

You know Drops of Jupiter by Train? No, do I? Is this just like a thing to make me sing? No, no, no. I really don't. I like this. Then she's back in the atmosphere. Oh, yeah.

Jaws of Jupiter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barry Elvis Costello. Oh, thanks. Yeah. He does over sing. That's the song I was telling you

that's so great yeah so great but like the fact that in 2017 this guy had a fun way of talking but real casual

that in 2017 teenage girls were like I'm just waiting for this song to come out yeah exactly come on so I could

you know bring it up I can't access it 18 different ways from my phone in my pocket I'm just waiting for this song to come out. Yeah, exactly. Come on, so I could, you know, bring it up. I can't access it 18 different ways from my phone in my pocket. The song that came out 13 years ago. Oh, boy. Yeah, what do you think was the last heavily played, like, sports arena song? Like, what do you think is, like, the most, like most recent addition to that camp? I can make your hands clap.

Oh, yeah. Also, Cake by the Ocean seems to get played a lot. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Also, there's a brand new one that I feel is going to be part of that world. I think it's called Thunder. It's part of your world by Thunder? Yeah. By ACDC?

I want to say Imagine Dragons. Is that a band? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just keep hearing that song, and it's not, I hate it, I want to say Imagine Dragons. Is that a band? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I just keep hearing that song, and it's not, I hate it, but it's really catchy, and it seems like a sports. But it's not Thunder. Oh, no, I'm thinking of Thunderstruck.

No, it's brand new. Okay. Okay, I'm looking this up, guys. You heard it here first. This is the first time you're hearing Thunder. Is it Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen? No, it's Thunder Road, Bruce Springsteen. I thought it was a Garth Brooks set.

Oh, no, that's the... He might also have a Thunder Rolls. Okay, here we go. Just a young gun with a quick fuse. I was uptight, wanna let loose. I was dreaming. You didn't tell me it was rap. Oh, life behind Mm-hmm.

Wait for the... Of course we'll wait for it. Who's your favorite member of Imagine Dragons? Murray. Mine's Ronnie. Ronnie, Murray, who do you like? Ricky and Mike? Yeah, I could see this.

I don't know. I need more. Okay. You missed the beginning of the chorus. This part. Oh, clap, clap, clap. A little slow. You think so?

Yeah. It's official. And then more of the same? That sucks. And here's your final order. I mean, the thunder, thunder, thunder. It's official. And then more of the same. That sucks. And here's your final over. Hey, stop podcasting yourself. This is Jennifer in Los Angeles, and I'm calling with an overheard. I was just at a place to get coffee, and there was a little kid waiting with her mom and another little kid, probably about 12, I guess, on the other side of the store.

And his younger sister runs up to him and says, an iced coffee with caramel, right? And he goes, yeah. And she runs away. And then he says to himself, oh, I love caramel. Yeah, correct. Caramel's the best. These are kids buying coffee. Babies having babies.

Yeah. But, you know, it's, oh, man. Like, when I was a kid, like, coffee really wasn't as attractive to kids as it is now. No. When I was a kid, it was it was just edible that's all we had but like oh man if you could just go into a place that wasn't you know a mcdonald's and like i'll have caramel and chocolate and some mint all in this uh it's gonna make me like yeah yeah it was like it's like if you could go as a kid to baskin robbins but there was a baskin robbins on every corner yeah yeah yeah and and it's always i

love it uh there's one right around the corner from me and at like 3 30 every day every teen in the city is in there just like getting some crazy and it's the craziest looking thing too whipped cream and then sprinkles on top oh boy it's better than anything basket rob's has to offer I'm throwing down a gauntlet

I'm not afraid cue the imagine dragon song thunder it's a thunder man do you guys drink a lot of coffee? Yeah. I drink a lot of coffee too, but I want to have extra energy before I work out, so I bought a pre-workout energy booster.

And you have to take it right before you work out, but sometimes I have to have it before soccer, and soccer is like a 40-minute bus ride. Yeah. So I'll take it before I leave. What do you take it? What is it? A limitless pill?

No, it's like, well, it's like, it's just a scoop of powder and then you mix it with water and you can mix it with juice or something and then you drink it. But it kicks in so quickly that I'll take it and then I have to sit on the bus and I'm just sweating and I have so much energy and I'm so aggressive. Can you not bring it with you and drink it when you get off the bus? No. The bus driver's like, you got to drink that before you get on. All right, but I'm going to be so jealous.

I'm going to read the buzzer. Oh, yeah, I was on the... That's a local joke. There's a local bus newsletter called The Buzzer that you can read. It has mug shots on it. I was on the bus and there was a little girl that really was just

dying to pull the bell. And her mom was like, don't you know how to pull the bell? And then when it was my time for my stop, I said, excuse me,

could you please pull the bell for me? And she went for it. She totally didn't have the arm strength. She was tugging at it so hard. And you you missed your stop yeah yeah yeah i was like you dumb girl that's a 5b winner winner fidget spinner yeah now sophie this is the end of this here podcast. Every, at the first Friday of every month, you co-host.

I co-host a show with Gavin at Slice of Life Gallery in Vancouver. And for people, Gavin's never been on the show, but it's Gavin Rossdale from Bush. He's really good at stand-up. Everything's in? I don't think so. He also is still kind of licking his wounds from his breakup with Gwen, so he's got some real angsty stuff. Yeah. Was that song about the breakup about

him? Which one? Her song about thinking about her ex. Oh, We're Cool. That's what it's called. I know. We're Cool. Was that about him? No, that was about the original breakup, right? No, that was Don't Speak. Oh, yeah. I feel like that one right? No, that was Don't Speak. Oh, yeah.

I feel like that one was before the breakup. I don't know. Like she was sending him like a coded message, like this is the type of song I would write. Yeah. When we... I only have Schmugle, so it's just giving me Avril Lavigne songs.

Goddamn Schmoogle. And where can people find you online if they want to follow you? My Twitter is SophieBottle. My Instagram is SophBuds. SophBuds with an S, not with a Z. With an S. Love it. And do we have anything we need to...

Get our new t-shirt in the MaxFunStore at MaxFunStore.com. You can listen to our debut album. It's all over. Or at least the album is over. Yeah. But there's 12 episodes. You can binge it. It's a perfect piece of media.

OurDebutAlbum.com. It's our other podcast. And at the last two weeks of August, I will be at the Edmonton Fringe Festival with one show? No, two shows. Graham Clark's not here. And Instagram. And you know what?

If you like this show, you should head over to MaximumFunfund.org check out the blog recaps pictures and videos that is uh you know sprung from this here podcast uh drops of jupiter oh yeah absolutely drops of jupiter maybe uh a picture of do you have a picture of him? You don't know what he looks like. I could get one. I could draw one. Yeah, yeah, draw one. And, you know, maybe Whoopi Goldberg wearing a robe.

Yeah, okay. I feel like she was more of a poncho, actually. Yes, yes. She's totally a poncho lady. Did you have some pre-workout? I want to find out what this pre-workout is. I need some of that. Oh, it's crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you not say it on the air? It's called C4. Yeah, okay. Yeah, and then if it's for girls, it's C4-a. Just kidding. Maybe that should have been off there. Anyways,

thanks a lot for being our guest. Thank you for having me. Thank you out there for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week

for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.