Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 491 - Caitlin Howden

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

Actress and improviser Caitlin Howden returns to talk bad dinner guests, invisible facial hair, and veggie burgers.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 491 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who knows how to say, what is your name in Inuktitut? What is the language that you were saying?

Inuktitut. Inuktitut. And I only know it because our guest taught it to me. Because she lived in northern Quebecbec and knew inuktitut cool and how do you say it that's dave shumka and our guest who taught dave shumka how to do that and say what her name is in inuktitut it's caitlin howden uvunga yeah that's my name hooray hi uh hilarious improviser writer writer, producer. Thanks.

Caitlin Howden. Hi, thanks for having me back. Thanks for coming back. How's your, do you keep up your inuktitut? It's a bit rusty. But you know what, whenever I'm rollerblading, I'm thinking about inuktitut. Why? Why is that?

Oh, I never rollerblade. I haven't put on a pair of blades and my god. But you miss it though, you miss it every day. I miss the blading. Yeah I miss it. I miss those four wheels just one in front of another you know. Yeah. Just knowing what to do. Do you ever go to the store? Do people still do it? Because you live down maybe near the seawall. Yeah, you're down in rollerblade country. Are people still rollerblading?

Yeah, you know what? I would say two out of every 45 people are rollerblading. Oh, that's high. That's high. On a sunny day. It's not a... Well, there's sometimes you see guys in the rainy, rainy... They don't care.

They're just hardcore rollerbladers. There's a huge rollerblade store on main street yeah at the bottom of a hill yeah right yeah yeah I never thought about it that way isn't that funny never been in the store no it's a store that everyone walks by and goes hey look it's a store

just for rollerblades yeah it might be like a drug front or something. It could be. Or like some kind of modern art. Yeah, it feels like it's modern art because there's a front counter that's kind of between the window

and they put old rollerblade wheels in there. So it's just like slowly becoming this huge pile of rollerblades. So maybe that's the ultimate goal is it's just a store filled with rollerblade wheels and then they close. That's a terrible business. We've all owned. That is a bad idea. We've all owned rollerblades.

Absolutely. No, I never owned rollerblades. Oh. Oh. All right, fine. Well, I know what someone's getting for Christmas. Did you ever replace the wheels on yours? No, I just threw them out.

Yeah, exactly. What happens to them? Because they're plastic. They're sort of like a rubberized, like a skateboard wheel. So they just wear down over time. I guess. For me, I had a tendency of just buckling my knees whenever I was in rollerblades and just kind of leaning inwards.

So the inside curve of all the wheels, very worn out. Leaning, lean inwards is the less successful feminist book. It's just about staying home. By Andy Samberg's wife. The musician lady? Yeah. Should we get to know us? Fine.

Get to know us? Fine. Get to know us. Caitlin, how have you been? I've been really good. I'm having a wonderful summer. Are you really? Mm-hmm. What have you been doing? Tell us all about it.

Well, I'm just kind of, you know, scooting around, just shuffling about. Do you have a scooter? No, no, just shuffling about. Do you have a scooter? No, no, just shuffling my butt down the road. Taking some trips. Where have you gone? I went to Portland with my honey, and I went to lakes around Vancouver. There's so many little lakes I didn't know about. This is last week's guest.

Cam McLeod was telling us this. We're in some sort of lake paradise i had no idea i learned today that canada has more lakes than the entire world combined whoa whoa we got we're we're so uh we're so blessed uh-huh you're so lucky right now yeah and yet i i take advantage of let's say zero of them let's say, zero of them. Let's say I've seen zero lakes. Oh, they're so mucky. Yeah. But don't you love just jumping into a lake? Oh, go jump in a lake.

Yeah. Which should be a blessing. But instead it's a bit of a, you know what I mean? Go fuck yourself. Yeah. But if you were to say, like, go jump in a lake, I think that would be an honor. It'd be like Mazel Tov. Thank you.

Yeah, like, congratulations. Now go jump in the lake. Yeah. So refreshing. I haven't jumped in a lake maybe since I was a kid. Yeah. I don't think I've jumped in a lake as an adult. And looking at my calendar, I have no immediate plans to do so.

Okay. Well. When's the last time you jumped in a lake? I guess probably when you were near a lake. Just recently. Again, as I said, I'm having a nice? I guess probably when you were near a lake. Just recently. Again, as I said, I'm having a nice summer. Yeah. I'm going to a lot of lakes.

And I'm jumping in them. I'm not just going to the lake, checking it out, taking it off a list, and then going, got it. Well, there's a lot of ways to get into a lake. You can walk in over all that muck. You can rollerblade in, water ski in. Yeah. Sometimes you can be on the shoulders of someone roller skiing, water skiing.

That's a new sport. And you don't even get wet. I like to sometimes just take the path of a glacier and just find myself in a lake, you know? Just start at a waterfall and float till I'm in a lake. That's what I like to do. That's refreshing. Yeah, yeah. And like, what do to do. That's refreshing. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, what do you do? Do you camp? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know. People camp. No, nobody camps. I'm a day laker.

I'm a day laker. Day laker. Yeah. She's a one-way ticket. Yeah. Dave, take it. It took me so long to day lake. Day laker. it it took me so long to day like day like um so you stay in a cottage or a cabin no i'll drive there in the morning lake it up jump in the lake jump in the lake cannonball read read one chapter

of a book get back in the car and go home oh okay, okay. So these are fun, compact day trips. Yeah. Just little tastes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Portland? What do you do? Breweries? Yeah, I went down with Chris Connelly, who was my husband,

who was also on an episode of our debut album. Yeah, boy was he. Which I really love listening to. It was very funny. So we went down to Portland a couple weeks ago and... Hey everyone, listen to our debut album.

The new podcast from us. It's great. It is. It was. And you know what? He's a really funny dude. Yeah, he's furious you haven't asked him

to do this show yet. Oh yeah, well, you know what? We like to build up fury. We do like to withhold. Yeah. You know, actually, he's only mad. Oh, yeah. Well, you know what? We like to build up fury. We do like to withhold. Yeah. You know, actually, he's only mad at you, Dave.

Okay. I can live with that. He's fine with Graham, but he's furious with you. I'm, I don't, I've seen him five times in my life,

so I think I'll be fine. Okay, well. But you're not getting any lake invites, that's for sure. He seems fine with that. I assume when you go to Portland, you just sit around and drink a lot of beer. That's what they kind of advertise.

It's not far off. You go, you buy a wax cotton backpack. Yep. Yeah, you play in an arcade that serves alcohol. I know they have a couple of those. You go to a strip club because they have more strip clubs than any other. Oh, we missed out on that. Any other city in the States, apparently.

Oh, really? Yeah. We went to weird bars where if you ordered a beer, you got free hush puppy French fries. You know, that kind of thing. What is that? Hush puppy French fries? The hush puppies? What are h that kind of thing what is that hush puppy french fries the hush puppies

the hush puppies no no hush puppies like the shoes no no like a like a cylinder

of potato a cylinder what's a hush puppy so a hush puppy isn't that that's what I call a hush puppy a cylinder

like the cylinder of potatoes and then there's fries in the cylinder that is the fry the cylinder is the fry so uh okay what's so a hush puppy fry is a cylinder of potato it's a hush puppy regular sorry a hush puppy regular is the same as a hush puppy fry oh okay i'm just saying hush puppies and then i realized do you think i'm saying the shoe clearly you did i well i did no i i clearly didn't because i i didn't accept that i thought a

hush puppy was some sort of dessert so this is how lost i am um i just wikipedia it yeah hush puppies is an american international marketed brand of contemporary casual footwear for men there is yeah that's weird that they could afford to give you those with a beer, but. Well, the beer was $80. Jeez Louise. You know what? I'll change my Google search terms. Hush puppies shoes. I think you're just going to see the shoes again.

Yeah, just shoes. Okay, well. No, they seem to be a fried dough food. Oh. Oh, is it a dough? A hush puppy is a small a small savory deep fried ball made from cornmeal based batter that's not what i ate maybe your hush puppy fries were dipped in this batter maybe i don't maybe i'd had too many beers at this point i was just naming food what i wanted it to be called oh that's very cute it's very cute to give food a nickname that it doesn't ordinarily have.

Yeah, give me some of that wet stuff. A water, ma'am? Is that what you'd like? A water? See-through wet stuff. Yeah. Give me some of that pure wet stuff. See-through.

Yeah, what's a... I'm trying to think of like a fun pet name for food. I mean like when people call pizza Zaw. I always thought that was pretty and what kind of wine would you like dark or see-through bubbly hot dogs already have a fun nickname yeah hush puppies but a hot dog is already such a silly thing i'll have two hot dogs please yeah yeah that's a that's funny here's a thing that i read yesterday that most hot dogs when they tested it have different meat than what are

advertised is that a problem for people that are eating hot dogs do they care that they they think they're eating a beef hot dog but actually there's some chicken and goat. I remember, well, Abby, she grew up in the hardscrabble streets of Quebec. Yeah. And there were some kids in her class who were maybe Muslim, maybe Jewish, and they had all beef hot dogs. And she tried them for the first time, and she thought they were so great. Oh, yeah. And I have never noticed the difference between regular pork and yeah i remember watching when i was a kid they would like advertise uh there's a certain type of uh what are they called

hush puppies yeah hush puppies uh they were like a a kosher hot dog and they're like, I'll be Frank's. And I was like, ooh, that sounds, oh, that just sounds like the height of luxury and I'll be Frank. But probably it's... I mean, probably it's got pork in it. Yeah, it's probably got

a lot of pork in it. Does it have mustard on it? Yeah? Then it's fine. Just eat it. What do you put on your hot dogs? Mustard, ketchup, relish. Yeah, the... Yeah, the three.

The three colors of summer. The things I have in my fridge. Yeah. I mean, am I at a cart and am I going to throw some pickles on it? Maybe. Or onions? No. What about a corn salsa?

Nah. I've done it before. Sauerkraut. Yeah. Yes. Why not? I don't know if I like sauerkraut. What is it? is it pickled it's

pickled oh yeah is it fermented it's fermented cabbage okay and you can either fry it up the korean one kimchi is that the same thing uh no it's not the same but i think it's the same original concept did uh marco polo go to kore Korea and bring it back to Germany? Like he did with the noodles and pizza, someone told me? Yeah, I heard that pizza was not Italian at all Really? Oh man, that's blowing my mind Isn't it true that pizza's from, like its origin is not Italian? Yeah, that's true

So it's settled I mean, I've been to like a North African restaurant Where there's like a big doughy circle and a bunch of stuff on it. It's basically pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. And also, like, if you go, where is it?

Is it the Philippines that the national dish is like spaghetti? Oh, yeah. But it's like with a sweet sauce. Not the Philippines. Somalia? Is it Somalia? Somalia. That's what it was. Somalia. And it's their with a sweet sauce not the Philippines Somalia is it Somalia Somalia that's what it was

Somalia and it's their that's their national dish is a sweet spaghetti yeah like a spaghetti with like a really sweet I mean that's like a spaghetti

that's a good nickname for your lover come here sweet spaghetti it's also like a good exclamation like oh sweet spaghetti great Caesars goes oh my god where did my like, oh, sweet spaghetti. My Caesar's ghost.

My God, where did my horses go? Sweet spaghetti. Damn it, I lost all four horses again. Sweet spaghetti. Come on. Who's this character? Oh, this character? Just a guy who keeps losing horses.

Oh, no. Bad rancher. Bad rancher. That's the new Netflix show starring Ashton Kutcher. And they're just going gonna drop it on you and you're like what what is this is this a comedy 18 episodes when did he do this why are they hour long this isn't a drama is this new or is this old can you imagine an ashton kutcher drama oh boy that's coming you think oh yeah has he yeah has he done it before he did the steve jobs uh that was good

um did he not also do something like the butterfly effect yeah the butterfly effect yeah that was pretty serious that was pretty serious he did you did either of you guys see the steve jobs yeah when he was in he walks like a muuppet when he is Josh Gad there was in that one yeah who? Josh Gad the French comedian

Josh Gad no no Josh Gad the Parisian comedian the song and dance guy that Disney is sure like

we just need five more movies with him and you'll fall in love with him just look at him more Just look at him more. Yeah. Look at him, though.

What if Jack Black didn't smoke drugs? Or what if Nathan Lane was annoying? Yeah, if only. Whoa, do you hate Nathan Lane? He's annoying. Oh, come on. He's a Broadway actor. I mean, what do you want him to be, reserved?

Well, no, I don't have a problem with him, but he is annoying. Yeah. Imagine him at a dinner party. Ugh, enough, enough, enough. I mean, just the set of The Birdcage, him and Robin Williams just riffing. Now, yeah, who would be your ultimate bad dinner party oh yeah oh real real person that we know or no real like real like you know how people are like pick like the four people you'd love that you would love to have a dinner party yeah who would you and everyone lies and they're like

gandhi mozart yeah boring sweet spaghetti carol channing senior sweet spaghetti so are we doing bad yeah okay uh and has to be an even number because the dinner party the setting you just that's the only stipulation has to be even dead or alive they can be dead or alive they can be from any point in i think we're all gonna go go with Robin Williams. Obviously. Oh, you know what? The first thing I think of is Wayne Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky? I don't want him at my dinner party.

Explain why. I think he's, all he would do is talk about hockey and himself. That's probably true. Okay. I bet you he's a bit of a booze hound. Yes. So he'd drink me out of house and home. Yeah. And I could see him being the kind of a booze hound. Yes. So he'd drink me out of house and home. Yeah.

And I could see him being the kind of guy to like fall asleep at the table. Like mid-dinner or after dessert. Mid-dinner. You miss 100% of the naps you don't take. Just his face in a bowl of soup. Someone wake up Wayne Gretzky, please. Should we go around the horn? Yeah, sure.

Okay, my number one is Mark Wahlberg. Why? Not only would he be annoying, because he's a dull idiot, he would also have his entourage of people around him. He would invite his idiot friends that entourage is based on. So then I'm like, oh, now I gotta make more sweet spaghetti for everybody. Because he's bringing over Tortoise, who Turtle's based on.

Donnie Wahlberg, who Drama's based on. Exactly. And Jay, who he is based on. Who would you invite? You've just said Mark Wahlberg. She only said Wayne Gretzky, so we're just going... I also would like to say that Mark Wahlberg would bring all the Wahlburgers for everyone to eat.

So you're also getting free burgers from Wahlburgers. Just adding that. For me, it would be that, uh, could eat a plane. You wouldn't want him. I wouldn't want Monsieur Mange too. Um, who is, uh, like, you know, he's a Guinness Book of World Records guys for like the pictures of them eating a bike. Yeah. Like piece by piece, right?

Yeah. You'd be like, well, like, when it's annoying when someone has dietary needs? And he's like, I only eat mechanical machines. So yeah, you're like, everybody else gets tortellini and you get bolts. These assorted bolts from my work. Is this like a fantasy draft? bolts from my work uh who else okay next is this like a fantasy draft

yeah oh like uh how does a fantasy draft well it would be a snake draft where then i vote i get my next uh okay you

and that's right oh i like that yeah i need to think about it my next pick would be that guy the regurgitator so you're going

purely based on the food side of things yeah who you like will swallow a light bulb and then swallow your goldfish yeah swallow your goldfish but then it comes back alive you're like put it back in the tank yeah yeah so uh he's next uh i think he's scottish i think next for me would be like somebody maybe not specifically him but somebody in the league with like a Gordon Ramsay somebody who's gonna

criticize everything and like yell at me at your own party? yeah yeah yeah call me a donkey it's just flippin disgusting he's very sweet with the children on the shows so I had kids like bring out.

Oh, yeah. Or if you dress up as a kid and serve food to Mark Wahlberg and wear an oversized baseball hat. Yeah, and put shoes at your knees. Who wants paketti? Pweet spaghetti. It's Pweet Pete Spaghetti. Mine is a controversial one, But I'm standing by it I don't want Malala

At my party But he named her that Want to know why? Yeah I want to know why Because we couldn't just be Goofy dum-dums Yeah You know

You'd have to talk about Real things Poor Malala Like I mean All the stuff she went through But now she can't ever, like no one, no one will loosen up around. Yeah.

No, you'll talk about real things. She'll tell you her stories. You'll, oh, it's going to bum you out. You're going to cry. I've made a chocolate tort, but it's not appropriate now because everyone's in tears. Yeah. The tort goes to waste. And then I have to say like, thank you so much for coming and be so sincere and the next

thing you know it's midnight and she's still there this is oh so this is uh that's a very like that's a good consideration yeah it's like who's who's uh maybe a wonderful person bad dinner guest this is what i'm saying yeah yeah yeah maybe a good person but i don't want to spend six hours with you yeah hmm that's a whole new category that yeah i was just considering who would be awful just just based on their who they are yeah yeah yeah but like also who would just be like a drag yeah i was thinking it's not always awful people because sometimes good people are bad guests yeah it's like uh when i was a kid one of the guys who like went to outer space from canada was like went to our junior high so he came back and did a speech and he was the most boring guy in the world i was like oh like you went to space and you can't make that uh interesting remember i think I know who's my next dinner guest.

I know who it is. Oh, what's his name? The jerk who keeps collaborating with the Barenaked Ladies. Yeah. Oh, do you want him? No, I don't want him. Well, then let's, you go again. Yeah, you have to go again. We're snaking again?

Yeah. What's his name? Corporal. Yeah. Corporal Cutie? Absolutely. Commander Cutieie i'm sorry um oh this is so hard because you want to make it good right you want it to be someone poignant like what about just um a seagull just a seagull is that does that count i'm always eating off other people's plates oh there's also a bird in the house. Yeah, and like squawking.

Bird in the house. Bird in the house. What's up, y'all? And like defecating everywhere. It's freaking out. Yeah, it's freaking out. It doesn't know why it's there. It is freaking out.

I'm trying to hold it down in the chair. Why are you trying to hold it down? Because we're having dinner. You're the bad guy here. Sit down. We're having dinner, please. Everyone. Noah Siegel isn't a person alive or dead huh if there's anything you come away with from listening to this podcast that a seagull is not a person not under the law no and not even just as for fun no oh uh

oh you know who really bugs me who's that smarmy ass uh who me? Who's that smarmy ass? Who's that smarmy SOB? Oh, Bill Maher. Oh, yeah. No, I think he's cool. Dave thinks he's cool. I think Bill Maher's very cool. God.

Anyone who just kind of chuckles at their own jokes all the time and is so smug and... He's sitting right here. Yeah, but when you do it, you're so charming. I'm smarming. Good call, I think. Thank you. I'm going to... This go-around, I think I'm going to say somebody who's a famous dead. Oh, Jerry Garcia.

Hitler. I don't want Hitler. That is so brave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so brave for him to say that. thank you. You know,

it would talk about people who are just going to talk about themselves the whole time. I wouldn't understand a lick of what he said. Well, that's true too. I don't like anyone with an opinion at all. Yeah. Like, I don't want to hear your opinion about anything.

I just want to goof around. Ma la la. you know what myob with that pov okay uh i don't think i've ever heard that but i think i just made it up yeah yeah congratulations myob with that pov so okay let's recap yes how many people are we doing total? It just has to be an even number. That's all I know. So I'm at three. You're at three. I'm at two.

You're at three. I'm at two. So let's recap. You are Malala. Malala. Wayne Gretzky. Bill Maher. Graham, you are

I am Gordon Ramsey Mark Wahlberg and I am the guy who eats everything the guy who regurgitates everything to regurgitate and I'm gonna go with a seagull oh a seagull but what about commander I'm gonna go with a seagull oh a seagull but what about commander i'm gonna go

with commander chris hadfield yeah the canadian uh astronaut who brought a guitar to space what a loser like he had to they had to test the effects of space on guitars it had to be an acoustic guitar please because you know you're gonna be just sitting there like talking about space and he'll be like you know what this reminds me of a song and we'll be like ah we're trying to eat

our bolts here then we're seeing if Mr. Mange Mr. Mange can survive in space Mr. Mange too was necking with Frankenstein

Mr. Mange just looked at the guitar and was like I could eat it. That's I could eat. This actually kind of turns into a good meal. As he eats Chris Hadfield's guitar.

I think that's enough. I think that's enough people. What a party. Now, Caitlin, you're somebody that once in a while you'll hold a dinner party. Absolutely, yeah. I love hosting. Do you really?

Mm-hmm. I've been invited to them. Yeah. He hasn't shown up, but he's been invited. Parking is weird. Oh, my gosh. No, I love hosting. What do you love about it?

I like eating food with people that I like. Really? Yeah. I like seeing my friends around a table eating and chatting and having little conversations. And I'll put out white lights on the deck and little Christmassy lights. That's nice. I get a nice big table. Yeah, you do have a really nice deck out here.

Yes. Yeah, I have. So I feel. Whip it up. Because you want to see my deck? really nice deck out here yes yeah i have so i feel whip it up because you want to see my deck um i think there's a social responsibility too when you own or i don't own but i rent a rooftop deck like it's like it's going to waste if you're not having yes because so many of us don't have outdoor space we live in the city uh you don't have balconies let alone a living room or a dining

room yeah and so as someone who does i feel like well let's use this but like having when was the first time that you had a dinner party because like when you're younger it's just come over and we'll have drinks as a group but then there's some somewhere where you're like come over and we'll pre-game yeah yeah and then we'll go to my favorite dance club. Yeah. Maybe not get in because we're a bunch of dudes. No, quick, quick,

finish this water bottle. I'm going to put vodka in it. Yeah, yeah. I think it started in university when you would get together during the holidays. Right.

If you're all not away from home and things like Thanksgiving. Yeah, and see how hot everyone had gotten. Ooh. Check in. Yeah.

Everyone from high school is hot now. Everyone got hot and has a car. There's a part of me that wonders if, because my high school reunion is next year,

should I, there's a curiosity there that didn't exist in reunions past, but enough time has passed that I'm like, people are going to look weird. But Facebook exists. Yeah, but like enough time has passed that I'm like, people are going to look weird. But like Facebook exists.

Yeah. But I'm only friends with like very few people from high school. I friended everyone from high school the first week of Facebook and then regretted it ever since. But I still see them on the internet. I think you should go. Yeah. Is it your 20 year?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Absolutely should go because I don't think Facebook is an accurate assessment into their lives. Right. So to actually see. Yeah, I want to see who's sad and who's rad. Yeah.

Find Amanda Jean and see what she's up to. Did we keep our commitment to be young, have fun and drink Pepsi or have we moved on to other fancier sodas? What was your grad song? Do you remember? pepsi or have we moved on to other fancier sodas what was your grad song do you remember i kept my my pledge to be young be dumb and be full uh what was your question your grad song was your grad song oh it was yeah it was that vitamin c no graduation song wasn't it i think it was, I think that came out the year after. You remember. Yeah,

I think you're wrong. Time of, I think it was time of your life. Time of your life. What grad year are you? 99? 98. 98.

I'm 2000. I was vitamin C. Oh, you were vitamin C. Yeah, I was vitamin C. But we didn't actually have an official grad song.

No, but it was just like a song that like, made you weepy. Well well it didn't make me weepy i couldn't wait to get the fuck out of it but then like you know i yeah i do kind of want to see like there's some people but i guess the ones that i thought were going to end up in prison will still probably be in prison they won't they won't be out do you think anyone's in prison from your grad oh yeah really yeah yeah yeah no maybe grad, but certainly that I went to school with.

How many do you think? I would say a small handful. Two out of 45? Like rollerblading stats? Yeah. Did they get arrested for rollerblading under the influence? I think, yeah. I think about the rollerblade ratio.

Oh, I wonder now. Yeah, do you not think of like... I don't, I'm not in touch with anyone from high school. But you knew some delinquents when you were in high school. I knew, yeah, I guess. I, no, I know, I think like anyone I knew from high school who was just like kind of seemed dangerous or like. Yeah. A delinquent just became a real estate agent.

Yeah, that's true. The truth is considerably less sexy. It's not like, oh yeah, he was a bad dude in high school became a bank robber did hard time he just came a real estate yeah yeah i think that the the scariest dude in my grade just became like a dad yeah like he became like a full-time dad and had five kids wow and he's now you see photos of him with you know children yeah it's very strange yeah i guess yeah there's i don't know i bet you there you'd be surprised though i bet you somebody's gone to jail like even for securities fraud or something like that oh that's so cool it is so cool yeah yeah it's really cool that's so

cool have have being able to say that you've done hard time is cool doing it is probably not as fun i think it's really great to have said it no you don't think that that's like it's my biggest fear to go to jail oh my gosh

what would you what would they nab you for oh nothing that I did it would be it would be more like a set up a set up yeah

sure where they've got the wrong person yeah or of course my DNA was there but you have to understand my DNA was only there

because that was my car but it's not my car anymore right my DNA is everywhere or it turns out your husband is underage not that silver fox my god no way he's for sure 37 you look at him you go that's that guy's 37 is he going to his reunion next year um i don't know what was his grad song oh what was his grad song i don't care i don't know bismarcky something something by bismarcky oh probably yeah um yeah i don't uh wait if you were in prison what do you think

what do you think what space would you occupy in the class i would use my comedy right away i would go right to making the jokes i do a lot of like oh i fell down the stairs oh yeah yeah i would do i would do a lot of like um i'll eat it like tricks yeah i would i would ingratiate myself as the fool yeah the fool that no one wanted to shiv yeah like don't beat up on her she's our entertainment yeah yeah yeah leave her alone she's goofy she does improv shows for us yeah i teach them i would teach them improv that's what i would do and you probably get some uh time off for good behavior for being like building a little community inside the prison and you know what the power of improv

can do wonders it's just yes and in your life you know what i mean just yes and baby. Yeah. What about you? I think I would probably, hmm. I mean, I fancy myself a smuggler. You know, like I'd really put a lot of things up my butt and bring them into the prison. They would catch that. Yeah, because, yeah, you have a real up my butt vibe. Maybe if you put five things up your butt, they'd catch the bottom three. But maybe the top two you could get away with.

Who's in the bottom three this week? Jeff Probst? Tyra? Jeff Probst is the perfect name for a guy who would be looking at your butt. But if you put a few things that were just, you know, fairly benign, not illegal, they'd be like, ah, this guy just can't get enough. Stick things up his butt. This guy just loves bananas. I mean, I guess I'm curious what a condom full of Lego would feel like, but I don't think it's illegal. I think it's just a people magazine.

Let him keep it. You know what? He likes it. He likes it. He likes a people magazine it's got Delta Burke and Gerald McRaney on the cover

it's an old one it's an old one oh gosh what would you be um I consider myself sort of the Shrek of the prison

yeah so how does that work you know what just you know wearing a vest uh that I smuggled into my body yeah that is not a regulation vest kind of you know wearing a vest uh that he i smuggled into my butt yeah that is not a regulation vest kind of you know kind of got a bad attitude but heart of gold i'm making a lot of references

to nursery rhymes and stuff like that you've been watching a lot of shrek i've been watching a bit of shrek oh Oh, boy. Dave, what's going on with you? We were talking about Portland. Yes. And, you know, you mentioned microbreweries. And on our live episode, Ebony Rosen was embarrassed that she went to a cider bar. Oh, yeah. And drank a flight of cider.

And then last night I heard someone talking about how the next big thing is mead. Oh. So mead. I'm not sure what mead is. I was just about to ask. It's what they drink in Renaissance fairs. Yes. Yeah.

I don't know if it's more of a wine or more of a beer. Oh. But that's the next big micro mead. Yeah. Okay. Going on a mead crawl. Is it? It sounds, just from the name of it, it sounds more

weighty than a beer. Yeah. A mead. Yeah. I'll look it up. I'm going to see Evany Rosen this coming weekend. Oh, yeah? And Kayla Lorette. Mead is a small, savory, deep-fried ball made from cornmeal-based batter. Oh, yeah.

Hush puppy. Are you going to Toronto? I'm going to Montreal up to my cottage. And Kayla and Evany are going to join me. Way to bury the lead. Yeah. Why did you just send Kayla a package of her sunglasses that she forgot? I like to send Kayla the right packages all the time.

But you're not going to get, she's not going to get the sunglasses until after you see her. You don't think I'm sending it priority, Dave, to my best friend? Mead is an alcoholic beverage created by fermenting honey with water, sometimes with various fruits, spices, grains, or hops. The alcohol content ranges from about 8% to 20%. Wesh. That sounds really good. Wesh.

That's a... Alicia taught me that. That's a French thing. That's a Quebec thing. Wesh. What does that mean? Wesh. Yuck.

Like just... No, merci. La sauce est dégoûtante. I think it sounds good. More and more. No. Wesh. Mead. Wesh. Wesh. more more mead wash

so this cottage this is your cottage this is my family's cottage we've talked about this before yeah I brought up the cottage before but I'm going with past guests Ebony Rosen

and Kayla Lorette we're going to have a little girls weekend bring some cider try out some mead yeah make it a mead weekend we'll do mead flights

or maybe we can make our own mead yeah you probably is there just one are people at these micro breweries uh you know brew pubs cider things that are giving you a flight of something where are they getting the wood plank with four circles like drilled halfway into them they used to use them in the 70s to beat each other's butts on the first day of high school

and then Matthew McConaughey would chase or Ben Affleck would chase you around with one yeah hit you with a cider

flight on your butt if Matthew McConaughey did it it would have been a crime that's true if you have graduated from

the school you can't beat children up Ben Affleck can he can and still does still does. Still does,

but he gets in trouble. Here's what's going on with me. I've been watching a few documentaries. Oh, yes. One of which was that Oasis documentary, which is about the band Oasis. Okay.

It's on Netflix, and it's... Two brothers that don't get along. Two brothers who don't get along, never will, and seemed really dumb at the time But now one of them seems kind of smart Yeah Which one?

Noel Noel, yeah Noel's the smart one? Noel wrote all the songs And Noel was not the big brat Liam was the lead singer Right

Who was the big brat And Liam would routinely I remember in the 90s He would take off his shoes and throw them at paparazzi. Oh, okay. And which is the one

that didn't show up to Ariana Grande's Manchester concert? I don't know. Oh. They're still not showing up to things? Well,

during the Ariana Grande Manchester festival, everyone was there, including Oasis, but it was just, I think, Liam. And as he was playing, he made a statement to his brother he's like he says something along the lines of some of us are

able to get off the fucking couch and do something that sounds like a null thing to say to liam liam seems like the type who would sit on the couch a lot but but also it's weird they do like to attack each other publicly also I can't tell the difference really? I don't know which one's which the two things about the documentary are that they

talked about how much well first of all they you need to watch it with subtitles because they talk in the

craziest accent and they mumble and they like there's weird expressions that don't really scan. Right. And sometimes you'll watch and you'll be like, the subtitles are wrong. Like, I know what they're saying. Whoever subtitled this took a stab at it.

And then a lot of it is just indistinct. Yeah, like. In parentheses, indistinct yeah like in in parentheses indistinct nonsense yeah uh there was somebody was telling me that one would show up to the other shows and and heckle them from the oh when they when they broke up when they broke up that the other would show up purposely to their shows and during quiet moments with yell things out. Boo! Yeah. Oh boy. I'll watch this documentary.

And the other weird thing about it is like talking about how much they loved smoking pot. Yeah. And I guess that's a musician thing, but it's not like, there are definitely genres of music that are more associated with pot smoking than pub rock anthems. Yeah.

Yeah. But they were just like, I assume they were doing all of the drugs. That was. Yeah. I think they, you know, they chomped some pills. Yeah. Also, I was impressed that like the band, the name Oasis hadn't been taken, especially by like a band in the 60s. Seems like they would have gobbled up the name Oasis hadn't been taken, especially by a band in the 60s. Seems like they would have gobbled up the name Oasis.

But maybe there's some cool band name that's still just sitting there that nobody... Well, I remember watching Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. I know of it. And his son had a band practice, and they already had a name. And Gene Simmons walks in and says, you know what's not a band name yet?

Engine. That's not bad, actually, Gene. And from what I know about Gene Simmons, he might have like, by the way, for your birthday I copyrighted Engine for you. And here's the font. Yeah, you've got your own font. You've got to get your own domain, though.

Engine.com has been taken. Yeah, by someone selling engines. Yeah. And then eating them. EngineTheBand.co.uk So, recommended? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'll recommend

any documentary sure you know what's great is he named me Malala I bet you it's a beautiful story but it's not one I want to share over

Chateaubriand you know what I mean I'm opening up a nice bottle of wine to hear a bunch of sadness Jesus Christ have some mead Malala yeah we get mead

for this okay I fermented my own honey oh you don't drink oh you're still a young girl Mead, Malala. Yeah, we get mead for this, okay? I fermented my own honey. Oh, you don't drink? Oh, you're still a young girl? She's not a young girl anymore. Is she not? How old is Malala?

She must be what? I would say 21, maybe. I think she's 17. Oh, I'd say she's 22. Oh, Dave. You know, that's a real bugger move when you do stuff like that. Malala. Makes me flippin' angry.

I'm saying flip a lot. Yusafi? Why flip? I'm trying to not swear. Why? Well, because it makes me sound less smart. She's 20. 20.

Ooh. So I was closest without going over. So, winner, winner. Fidget spinner. And the other documentary was this 30 for 30, all about the Lakers and the Celtics.

Best of enemies. It's fine. But what I couldn't get over is Larry Bird bird yeah everyone talks about how great larry bird is at basketball throughout this whole movie no one talks about his unphotographable mustache it's and i remember this as a kid being like does larry bird have a mustache or not like he was so blonde he was so blonde? He was so blonde, but it was there. Sometimes he didn't have a mustache. Yeah, sometimes he didn't have a mustache.

But then he had a full mustache a lot of the time, and cameras, like, maybe it was just standard definition back then. Cameras couldn't pick it up. Yeah. But it just, like, it ruined the resolution of your TV. And I also remember, like like being a kid and having friends that were really into basketball and they would have magic johnson or uh michael jordan posters and then i went over to one friend's house and he had a larry bird poster i remember just being like

oh like that's unusual who's this guy like he's good yeah this guy yeah he's good at basketball and even though he's good he doesn't his there's not a lot of great action shots of uh of a larry bird as uh as there were with uh michael jordan or matt oh yeah he wasn't i mean he was kind of flashy like he he was capable of it and they showed all this great stuff that he did in the documentary. But I think he was just like solid. And he also was. But like very solid. Very good, yeah.

But he was one of the last generations of basketball players that wore the short shorts. Oh, yeah. They all were. Yeah. But Michael Jordan, he wore the, partway through his career, he transitioned to the long. Well, partway through his career, he transitioned to the long well partway through his career he's put on spandex shorts underneath yeah yeah but i remember that being more like yeah that's how basketball looks and then i see the short shirts and i'm like what was going on

and this documentary like a lot of it is before michael jordan became a superstar so it's of it is before michael jordan became a superstar so it's magic johnson and larry bird are both wearing converse shoes not not like chuck taylor's but but like you don't see a shoe with just a star on the side anymore that's true it was more about the game then that was in our lifetime yeah it's weird that that but it wasn't part of my, except like Magic Johnson was somebody that everybody knew because he was like bigger than the sports. Who else would have been around? Abdul-Jabbar? Would that be the same era? Yeah.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And. Shaq? Shaq was later. Yeah. Yeah. This was mostly based on like the early 80s what about like charles barkley yeah he was he was a little later he was jordan era he was yeah yeah that's right

i'm also not an expert in any of this no no no this if there's an era i'm an expert in it's like 1990 basketball yeah are the 30 for that's what it is 30 for 30s um are they just about sports yes yeah right but they depending on whoever directed it it's like they come at it from different angles uh because there's one about this one day that all this stuff happened on it was like uh i can't remember what the things oh it was like the NBA finals, the OJ Simpson. Yeah. Was a car chase. Yeah.

And then another, like the masters or something. Yeah. It was like, but it was like all these huge in sports history all happened on the same day. So he just talks about that day and all the things that led up to that day. And there's, they're good. Yeah. They're really good. I think I've've seen this one is it an older one no no it's no brand new it's like the newest one ah i want to see the rick flair one because there

was there was a just a larry bird of magic johnson that's the one i saw yeah and i remember just thinking man those shorts they just did they just did nobody any favors. Yeah, Larry Bird didn't look athletic. He was the same as... He had a lot of acne, too. They showed a lot of close-ups of him in the 80s, and you just don't... Yeah. You don't see that, do you? I guess people...

Do they get facials now? Do basketball players have facials and moisturizers? Or does your agent give you proactive or something? Yeah. Because it is high-def TV. You know what I mean? Yeah. Every pore is on camera.

Your face is your... You got to do these advertisements. Yep. But like Steve Nash was another guy. Like if you just saw a picture of him, you'd be like, I don't know. He's the little one, yes? Steve Nash is, you know... Little?

Yeah, I guess so. Little boy? Yeah, he's a tiny little he's a Canadian boy little white boy little white boy Canadian he has the gyms yes yes good for him for anyone not from here Steve Nash NBA legend yeah has a bunch of gyms here I do like it when fitness clubs I like it when it's time you're here Not slim gyms But Those are delicious

That would be a great name For a gym Slim gym? Yeah Yeah slim gym And put Randy Macho Man Bachman on them

I was gonna say Randy Bachman Randy Macho Man Savage On them I I like it when A sports star Somehow makes it You know Makes another business when a sports star somehow makes it uh you know makes another business post

post sports star oh yeah yeah that makes me uh makes me happy like when they put their name on it or when they just you know own a bunch of uh you know subways yeah but yeah just that it's like somebody like taught you how to manage your money and and you got to kind of retire and still have any... But there's a great 30 for 30 about guys who didn't manage their money. That's my favorite. It's my favorite. I would watch that.

Maybe I'll watch that tonight. The guy who was married to Lisa Left Eye Lopez. Were they married? Oh, Andre Rison? Yeah. He was watching that documentary. I was like, this guy should have his own show. Because he is hilarious.

And she burned down his house. Oh, yeah. By accident. By accident. She went meant to burn his jersey in the bathtub. She lit a pair of his shoes on fire, threw them in the bathtub. The bathtub was made of firework glass,

melted through the bathtub, caught the whole house on fire. Lisa! How do you set house on fire. Lisa. How do you set shoes on fire? Start with the laces. Practice, practice, practice. The bunny ear goes around and hugs the match real tight. I wore too early to teach Margo to tie shoes, but she was watching me tie my shoes.

And I don't know. Like, I just learned it. I wouldn't know how to pass on that yeah so i was just like the bunny does a loop and we do flip flip whip it up around and away we go and you'll wear sandals today yeah how do you teach her to do something so instinctual right where it's kind of you just know how to do it but i'm sure someone taught you yeah it's not instinctual at all no it's practice yeah it is but i would like i was talking to a guy who really knows how to do a lot of knots and uh oh i can i change who i don't want to invite to my knots guy yeah um but he like the

way he described tying a shoelace i was like is that what i'm doing like it he's like you do this and then you do that and i was like i don't know if that's what i do yeah i'm not sure what i do it's just like my brain yeah you're right i guess it's not instinctual net or it's not an instinctual thing but it is now well yeah it's like riding a bike like you you don't even think about it but at least with riding a bike i know that you know from sitcoms that you're supposed to like walk but hold it and then let go while they don't know that you're letting go so that then all of a sudden they're riding a bike that i know and the minute you think about riding a bike is when you fall down right yeah that's true the minute

that you go oh shit am i on a bike yeah it's like a cartoon if you if you're running off a cliff but you don't realize the cliff's not there anymore. Yeah, you'll keep running. You'll keep running until you look down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you pause and you go, oh boy. Oh yeah, if you saw a branch, but you're on the part of the branch that's going to fall off, oh boy. Oh, brother.

So that's me. I like to learn through cinema. And then share your findings. Thank you. Yes, thank you. How are you, Graham? I'm just fine. You look like you were about to take a sip.

I was going to take a sip, but there's nothing in the glass. That's what I realized. These are prop cups that we have here. Yeah, I'm thirsty. I'll make this quick. I'll make this quick. When I was in Winnipeg, if you go to the airport, they've got a Harvey's at the airport. If you know anything about me, I love the Harvey's veggie burger.

Love it. Can't get enough of it. There's only one Harvey's in all of this goddamn city, and it's downtown on the worst street, and you have to go through the club district to get to it. I've only ever gone for lunch, so it's not like,'s downtown on the worst street and they have to go through the club district to get to it. I've only ever gone for lunch so it's not like why is that the worst street? All the clubs are closed.

During the day it's great. Vancouver's Walk of Fame you can see all sorts of Sure, yeah. Oh, a star around Bryan Adams' name. Absolutely.

It cost him $4,000 to get that. Is that real? No, I don't know. Probably. Probably he had to pay for it himself. And he can afford it. He's fine.

He is fine. And he's fine. He's fine. Yeah. If there's anyone who belongs in Vancouver's Walk of Fame, it's Brian Adams. Did he ever date somebody famous?

Did he ever have a high-profile romance? Like a Claudia Schiffer? Yeah, something like that. feels like that. I don't know. Yeah. I was recording a commercial last week

at The Warehouse, which is a recording studio that he owns. Did they have fancy cars in the courtyard? Yeah, there's a little courtyard.

Yeah, it's very strange. It's very strange. But it's in like, it's kind of in the, in a part of town that's a little bit dodgier. Yeah.

But then there's this beautiful recording studio. When I walked into it for the first time, there was just this like very kind of gothy 20-year-old just sitting there. And I was like, are you reception? She just looked at me with the most withering gaze. I almost left. You asked the wrong question, buddy. Here are some of the incredibly famous people he's dated. Linda Evangelista.

Oh. Gwyneth Paltrow, rumored. Oh, yeah. Rumor Willis, rumors. His personal assistant, Elle Macpherson. Those are two different people. Elle Macpherson had to get her start somewhere. Yeah, during those lean years, you know.

And some people, I don't recognize their names, but they're very pretty ladies. You know what? Good for him. Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

We wish him the best. Hey, Brian Adam. France. Tell me, have you ever really, really, really ever loved a woman? Who wasn't your assistant? When you love a woman, you tell her that she's a woman. That she's a woman?

That she is a woman. If you really love a woman, you tell her that she is a woman. Okay? Okay. Okay. If you love her, tell her she a woman. is a woman. Okay?

Okay. Okay. If you love her, tell her she a woman. Um, so, one night love affair. That's probably what Gwyneth one was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, rumored. Yeah. Um, so yeah,

went to Harvey's at the airport. Then I decided I'm going to have a veggie burger at every place that serves a veggie burger during this trip.

So, I had the veggie burger from A&W. I had the veggie burger from every place that serves a veggie burger during this trip so i had the veggie burger from a and w i had the veggie burger from burger cake where it's city this is winnipeg okay so i went on a real veggie burger tour you only went to chain restaurants not not just chain restaurants i also went to a place that people had told me that i had to check out called boone burger i went to a place called unburger i went, I had just like a couple veggie burgers from hot dog carts. I think I had one, at least one veggie burger a day. And I became a real connoisseur. Your body must be a nightmare on the inside right now.

It's always been a nightmare, Caitlin, since I was a kid. Graham, what else? Were you eating other foods? Please tell me you threw in like some water. Falafel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I put I put I drank some water, immediately canceled it out with falafel.

The driest food. Falafel just sops up all the water before your body can get it. No, I ate. I ate well the rest of the day. But this was like my if I was going to eat a junk food, I was going to seek out a out a veggie burger that's kind of fun and it seems like you were going to do that yeah i was gonna do that basically every day and uh i gotta say out of all of them like i really like this boone burger but that's only in winnipeg can't get it anywhere else is that a place that does non-veggie burgers or is that a veggie place? That's a veggie place.

Okay. And I would say of the chains, if we're excluding Harvey's. Is Harvey's? Nope. I should include Harvey's? Include Harvey's. It's a chain. I would say that Harvey's still number one.

Burger King, surprisingly delicious number two. Huh. And then. That's their slogan. Surprisingly, we're number two. Surprisingly delicious number two. Yeah. And then maybe I would put A&W in there.

Third, don't understand why McDonald's doesn't have a veggie burger. Seems if Burger King can do it, surely mcdonald's burger king is it's i feel like growing up it was mcdonald's and burger king and now i haven't been to burger king in a thousand years no me neither it's just the first time i've been to a burger king rob like because i don't even know where one is same street same uh same street and they do that they're the home of the whopper yeah yeah and you can also have it your way there can you have it your way yeah yeah yeah oh they used to like i used to like their chicken sandwiches that had they were like long chicken sandwiches oh yeah more like a roll like a longer roll yeah they would do like the french one the italian one yeah yeah a taste of the orient oh like a teriyaki i don't remember

it's just a bunch of noodles inside a bun oh so filling it's funny there's a restaurant in edmonton called pita Getty. I'm listening. Because I'm going to Edmonton. Okay, well, you got it. I haven't gone in it. Because I think the minute I go inside, I'm going to be disappointed. But it's Pita Getty. Is it?

Spell it. P-I-T-A-G-H-E-T-T-I. Perfect. Pita Getty. Pita Getty. And I don't know what it is, but I'd like to think. This is to be confused with Pita Geddon. Yeah. Pita Getty. Pita Getty. And I don't know what it is, but I'd like to think. This isn't to be confused with Pita Geddon. Yeah. Pita Getty is my MLA.

He's who I vote for. Pita Geddon is the end of the world based on pitas. He's NDP, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pita Getty. Pita Getty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was our city councilor for a while.

So, yeah. But in my mind, it's just a pita pocket either filled with alfredo sauce or maybe just some marinara but do you think also noodles and in the pita maybe i don't know that would be so good i mean it would be so gross but it would be so good um there's a a channel uh that i get calledcase Action that is action movies. But it also will just be like things that are high action, like Billy on the

Street is on that channel. And so sometimes you'll be scrolling through the channel listings and something will be on and you're like, oh, the last half hour of a movie is on this movie channel. No, it's just a half hour show. And there was a show called the Carbonaro Effect And I thought it was a movie

About pizza No pasta With like egg and bacon sauce Or whatever Carbonaro is But no it's a guy who does like a hidden camera Magic show What did you think the show was about? I thought it was going to be like a funny like a action comedy about real saucy action yeah real salty movie uh wow um it's very funny that

it's an undercover show well yeah yeah like why does that have to be undercover he's pranking people using flight of hand that's all magic is but just pranking but usually but usually people know that they're witnessing magic yeah this is a guy who you know showed up to do a day work as a day laborer pisses everyone off. Or he just goes pissing everywhere. Hey, boss, the new guy pissed on my desk again. Oh, really? Then where'd the piss go?

What? It was just there. I swear. But he's got such clean... Oh no, it's still here. I'm feeling it. It's run off a little. Oh, it just fell down. The piss fell down. Yeah, so that's what i did i went on a tour to veggie i've done that in cities where they're they have like a lot of donair places yeah i've been i've gone and tried to find the ultimate donair and did you still searching i don I don't, like, I think I probably had a favorite Ottawa Donair place, but I don't remember what it was.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of, like, a hole in the wall that I found somewhere where it turned out to be the best. Because I went to lunch with my parents when we were in Winnipeg. My dad said, this is the best steak sandwich I've ever had. And it was just, like, a bar and a hotel. And My dad said, this is the best steak sandwich I've ever had. And it was just like a bar and a hotel. And he's like, this is the best. But, you know, have you ever had that where you've just gone in and you're like, oh, my God, I'm eating the best version of this is the best.

Don't I just happen to stop in here. But it's like not world famous. No, no. Like you just go in and you're just like. And like if you were. Oh, the best of the city issue of their free newspaper came out and it's not even listed under best steak sandwich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I got to go taste these other steak sandwiches.

But you have to also think what kind of day are you having that that's the best steak sandwich? Maybe you were just in a really good mood. So your taste buds are really open and positive that day. You know, if you're in a nasty mood, nothing's going to taste good. But what if you're in a nasty mood and you eat a steak sandwich so good it turns you around? Well, then that, yeah, you're right. That's a good, get a few more. What's in this?

Oh, MDMA. Another round of steak sandwiches, please. Was it a dip? Did he dip it? No, it was no dip. Just a classic steak sandwich. Does that have lettuce on it? I don't remember.

I didn't watch him eat it. It was mostly afterwards that the big news story broke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't during. He really saved it. He thought about it because he was still eating it. And he's like, is this the best? Yeah, let's take another bite and find out.

And then commercial break. What's your papa's name? John. John. And what's your mom's name john john and what's your mom's name trish and what are their uh what's their address yeah they uh they live at one two three candy cane lane and what are their weights uh combined 700 pounds and what's your mom's maiden name uh no way i'm not doing that because then people are going to break into my, uh, everything. And what was your first car? Uh, what was my first car?

What was your childhood street? I'm trying to find out your porno name. Yeah, my first car was a Gravedigger. It was used. It was a used Gravedigger. Oh, that's your porno name. Used Gravedigger? Used Gravedigger.

Candy Cane Lane. Great porno name name weird content that it produces do we want to move on to overheard sure the three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies

and he says what do you do adventures I'm a dragon man I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of The Adventure Zone, a podcast about family playing Dungeons & Dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit. I roll to charm new listeners.

It is very effective. Against all odds. Everybody, we're the Macroids. We host The Adventure Zone. It's a podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast. We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them, and we did not take the time to learn them.

Maybe listen to us. We come out every other Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org. I think this promo's a critical hit. Hey, MaximumFun fans. It's me, Jesse, the owner of MaxFunFun. I've got a question for you. Will you help us make our shows better?

We wanted to find a way to find out what the MaxFun community thinks about our shows. So we started something called the MaxFun Listener Panel. Basically, you subscribe to a podcast feed and twice a month or so, roughly speaking, we'll send you an episode of a show and instructions on how to fill out a quick survey about what you think about that show. Ten questions, nothing too crazy. You'll be hearing existing shows that we're thinking about making changes to. Secret pilots of shows that we're developing that you'll only hear this way shows we're considering adding to the network and what you think about them really matters to us so to join the panel it's easy just go to maximumfun.org

slash listener panel that's maximumfun.org slash listener panel thanks for helping make MaxFun better. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world, and then we share them here on the podcast, and we always love when the guest starts us off. Oh, I'd be honored. Caitlin, will you, please? Thank you, gentlemen.

I was walking down the street the other day and one of my favorite things to do is to walk in front of a pack of teenage girls. You don't want to walk behind them, that's for sure. You don't want to walk behind them, but you do want to walk in front of them just to listen to the things they say. Oh, yes. I love it. So there's, let's say,

three soon-to-be women. And soon-to-be woman number one. Wait. Like, legally? Yeah, like. Or, like. Like, they weren't girls.

Physically. They're not a girl. They're not a girl. Not yet a woman. Have they been visited by their menses? Yes. Yeah, yeah. This is what I'm asking.

It helps me. Yeah. Let's say they've been, their hormones are in flux. So Soon to Be Woman 1 says to Soon to Be Woman 2 about how she had just seen her celebrity crush. And it was AJ Apa, KJ Apa, the guy from Riverdale. Yeah. Yeah. KJ Apa.

KJ Apa. KJ Apa. KJ Apa, the guy from Riverdale? Yeah. Yeah. KJ Apa. KJ Apa. KJ Apa. And she was heartbroken because he was in a bad mood when she saw him.

Oh, no. And when he gave her a hug, he just did it, like, really quickly and just on the side. And Soon to be Woman 2 told Soon to be Woman 1 that it's okay. It happens that sometimes celebrities are in bad moods. it happens that sometimes celebrities are in bad moods. And soon to be woman's one said, yeah, I know, but like you normally,

he's always so happy and he seems so positive. And then the way that soon to be woman three then chimed in, she said, look, maybe he just came from a meeting. And then they all agreed that maybe that's what it was. Maybe he just had had a meeting yeah and that's why he was a bit stressed out but i'm sure he was so happy to see you and they were just so

like they were so passionate and invested in how he was doing well being an adult which we all are assume well legally soon to be adult yeah yeah um Going to a meeting is worse than coming from a meeting. Oh, yeah. Because the meeting's over. Yeah. Yeah. But also... So maybe he was going to a meeting.

Oh, yeah. See, they don't know that yet. They just thought he was coming from a meeting. Which is the best feeling in the world. When you were that age, was there a celebrity that you cared about that deeply? Oh, absolutely. And who was this lucky celebrity? Oh.

I guess it was Devin Sawa. I knew it. I loved a Devin Sawa. I loved a Nick Carter. I loved a Jonathan Taylor Thomas so much. JTT and me. Yes, I know. It's all we talk about on this show

is how much everyone loved Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Oh, God. He was just so relatable and funny. But why did he go away? Yeah, why did he go away? He could have had anyone. Where did he go? But it's not like he, you know, I don't think, I think he's probably, if you saw him today,

you would still be in love with him. Yeah, that's why isn't he making like Hallmark movies? Yeah, he's not like some guy who, you know, gets into drugs or something. No,

he should be like this generation's Dean Cain. Well, I'd like to trade him for a Jared Leto. Let's get Jared Leto out of here

and get Jonathan Taylor Thomas back. Let me tell you something, Jared Leto ain't going nowhere. That guy's so annoying that he can't, there's no way to vanquish that guy. Oh boy, yeah.

He's like vaping. God damn it. Yeah, it's here to stay. God damn it. I invited Gordon Ramsay Marky Mark Wahlberg and Hitler to dinner.

Jared Leto couldn't make it but he sent a rap. Did you ever speaking of KJ Apa, did you finish the first season of Riverdale? I did not.

I didn't either. But it wasn't out of any kind of protest. It just, you know, I got distracted by this veggie burger. I see the situation.

Yeah, maybe KJ Apa would have been in a better mood if he'd eaten one of these steak sandwiches. Yeah,

I got distracted because I was planting lettuce. And then I just kept doing that. Yeah, I got distracted because I was planting lettuce. And then I just kept doing that. Did you start it? Riverdale? And not finish? No. Yeah, it was weird. I stopped caring.

Like, oh, it's weird, moody, Archie. Oh, this will be fun to watch. And then it wasn't really, but it was fun enough to see what it was fun enough. To see what choices they were making. Yeah. And then about nine episodes in, I was like, I'm not getting any fun out of this.

Yeah. They kept getting so close to something interesting. Be like, oh, this is a thing, right? And you're like, no, he's just going to play guitar again. Yeah. Or like, oh, this is the big show where the Pussycat Dolls are going to play. And it's like, no, it is the big show where the Pussycat Dolls are gonna play. And it's like, no, it's just a concert in the auditorium.

Oh, Cheryl Blossom's in a lot of this. Yeah, Cheryl Blossom really became a focal point. No thanks. But you know what? I'm not writing it off. I'll jump back in the stew. Yeah, it's still on the old DVR Reno.

Yeah, yeah. As they would say in Riverdale. And they're shooting still on the old DVR Reno. Yeah. As they would say in Riverdale. And they're shooting all over the city so you could even just catch them in real life.

IRL. I'd like to hug that whole cast. Yeah, sure. There, he said it. Cole Sprouse, Dylan Sprouse, whichever one they got.

Yeah, yeah, whichever one showed up this time. Luke Perry. Yeah, oh man, I bet he's ropey. You know what I mean? He's a leathery. Just solid. Yeah. Like, man. I bet he's ropey. You know what I mean? He's a leathery.

Just solid. Yeah. Like hugging an armoire. Luke Perry? Dave, do you have an overheard? Not an official one. No. But this will count towards.

This is something a child in my family said. And there's only one child in my family who can speak. Yo. You do can speak. Yeah. You do the math. Yeah. Now, Margo, she can talk. She says. Walk.

She pronounces words pretty well. I mean, she has a few words that are here and there that we don't even really correct her. Yeah. I mean, we'll say the right word and she'll say, we'll say popsicle and she'll say pock-a-sil. Yeah, pock-a-sil. Yeah, pock-a-sil. And that's fine, right? That's so cute. Yeah.

But she can't do, she has trouble with the letter S when it's followed by another consonant or two. Like spray is fray. Yeah. Spider's fighter. Pretty cute. This is just getting cuter and cuter as we go along. Honestly, please never correct her. Yeah.

I want a donut with frinkles. Frinkles. And do you just laugh? When she says things, do you just laugh in her face and go like, ha, ha, ha, look at you. You don't know what words are, do you? And the other day she's like, I would like to put on a show. And I wasn't there for this abby told me later uh i would like to put on a show and abby said okay let's let's see it and so abby sat down and

margo went in the middle of the room and started walking in a circle and abby was like what kind of show are you gonna put on and margo cut her off and said, it already farted. Excuse me, miss. The show's already farted. It's already farted. Oh, God. I also love that that was the show. Oh, yeah.

Enter stage right. Girl walks around in circle on stage. Girl finds upstage center, stage right. Downstage center, stage left. Up upstage center, stage right. Downstage center, stage left. Upstage center again, stage right. Downstage center. She will do, she likes to put on a show which is, now she's figured out that she can just jump for 10 minutes. Not 10 minutes, 10 seconds.

That is a feat. Yeah. Oh, wow. My nephew is three, so a bit older than Margo, right? Yeah. Margo's almost, she's not quite three. Right. Right.

And he's, he, it's so different the way the boys are because he's so aggressive and rough. Mm-hmm. And he says, he was visiting us last weekend and he said to me, he goes, Auntie Kate. I said, yeah. He goes, do you love Uncle Chris? I said, yes, of course I love Uncle Chris. And then he looked at me, and he goes, I'm going to destroy your husband. Wow.

And I thought, that's violent. And that's not okay. Yeah. But then he thought it's so funny that he's like, I'm going to destroy him. Yeah. I was like, yeah. Has Chris become addicted to heroin in the last week yeah yeah has he been finding a lot of glass in his food no i mean he does have a pretty big scar in his

face from where my nephew scratched him and said i'm gonna rip your skin off wow i think it's fine yeah little boys are uh they're a terror yeah they just want to like punch and hit and run and jump and get into pillow fights. Yeah. My poor mom. Oof. Three of us. Three of us. Just destroying each other.

Constantly. And screaming, right? Like if you were quiet, she was probably worried. Oh, yeah. We were never quiet. Boy, that's absolutely a parenting technique. Is that universal? If she's crying, she's fine.

Yeah. If she's crying, she's breathing. Yeah. If she's crying, she's breathing. Yeah. It's when she's quiet that you're like, what is she doing? Like, oh, something's happening in the other room while I'm giving you a bath. Can you yell for a minute while I run and check on this? Because I don't want to leave you in the bath. Oh, boy.

Yeah. Oh, man. Graham. Yes. I think we're doing overheard. her yes and i think you're the next one i have an overseen of a woman who had uh written a bunch of expressions on her jean jacket these were all done by hand i love this yeah and uh my favorite there was quite a few of them, but my favorite was, sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come. Which is a pretty good. Did she just show up and point to her jacket depending on what the experience is? Yeah, yeah, I guess.

She's got a saying for every occasion. What were some of the others? There was just a lot of doodles. I can't remember. How old was this woman? I would say she was probably about 50. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so that's what I liked about it, too, is that she heard that somewhere and was like, what's going on the old jacket? Gotta write this down. Don't like showing up to things. Oh, can you imagine? That's the thing. You have to show up to things the rest of your life.

There's no cutoff where you're like, ah, I'm 70. No longer have to go to things. I mean, 90% of life is just showing up, babe. Put that on a jacket. I barely made it here today, but I showed up. You did. You showed up. You show up, yo.

Now, we also have overheards sent in by people from around the world. I love these. And if you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Skyler. No last initial. Just Skyler from Chicago. I'm in line at the Field Museum inago waiting to buy a ticket to the special exhibits when the woman in front of me says if they had an exhibit about hot dogs i'd go yeah hot dogs yeah

um why not i mean i would go to exhibit about hot dogs too sure i'd watch a video i'd watch a film strip what do you want to know about hot dogs because people tell you right now how how they became so popular they're handheld well i guess we can skip the why do they put the slices in them sometimes but sometimes no oh uh convenience yeah i think it's like, cook them faster? Do all hot dogs take any time when you cook them? No. Just the ballpark, for example? Do hot dogs take any time to cook?

They're pre-cooked, right? Yeah. You can eat an uncooked hot dog. You could. You can't eat an uncooked pogo. No. Oh, gross. Pogo is a can't eat an uncooked pogo. No. No. Gross. Pogo is a

Canadian corn dog brain. Oh man. Just a cold pogo? We used to go fishing with cold hot dogs. That was the thing that you would go fishing with.

You'd put it on your lure and then fish with little pieces of hot dog. But the sun would eventually start cooking these little pieces of hot dogs and then we'd eat them.

Right out of the bait box. What monster fish are you catching? Sunfish, trout, that's about it. Sunfish. We put them back. Oh, really? Why? Sunfish are just tiny.

And you have to use a rubber glove because they are sharp. And gross. All fish are gross. All fish are gross and so wet. You know what? The minute you hold a fish is when you go, and gross. All fish are gross. All fish are gross and so wet. Yeah, well, they look... You know what?

The minute you hold a fish is when you go, that's a wet fish. Oh, it's so wet. Jesus. Are you inside and out? It's like you're breathing water.

Oh, wash. Yeah, wash. Yeah. Yeah, gross. Yeah,

did you ever gut, like, gut a fish? No. What have you gutted? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lobster. You don't need to gut a lot. sure do bud you sure do you got to crack it down the middle you got to scoop out the brain and the lungs and then you can keep the row and the tail i don't know i don't know nothing you you just cook the whole thing and you don't eat the middle oh yeah i mean yeah i guess sure yeah i got a man in reno just to watch him die that was the only time i got i got my garbage do you a few days how why take it out oh i thought you meant like you pull out the garbage bag then you cut it open and let the carpet she thinks of a garbage can is the hue as the body and the garbage bag as you cut it open and let the garbage fall. She thinks of a garbage can as the body and the garbage bag

as the gut. You got me Dave. Apparently. Dave gets me. Dave gets you. He does. She thinks of garbage as some kind of

being with one organ. Yep. Dave gets me. Dave gets me. Dave and I have been spending some time together he's finally getting me. No brain.

Yeah. This next one comes from Jim in Philly. My wife and I were out at dinner tonight, probably having Philly cheese steaks. Yeah, sure.

Or water ice. There was a couple next to us, seemingly on a first date. At one point, the guy at the table mentioned he plays pickup hockey.

In response, the woman said, oh, my mom used to date a few hockey players. But that's not for me. enough teeth oh sure she likes them bitey no gummy boys for me thanks that's what i call hockey players gummy boys gummy boys come here gummy boy hello how do you call your gummy boy i say comeummy Boy. And if he doesn't answer? I say, would you like a deal memo?

And if he still doesn't answer? Then I trade him to the other team. Baby. Whoa, whoa. Gummy Baby. I want to get back into playing pickup hockey Yeah I never played pickup hockey

I played organized hockey But it's a commitment You have to buy like hundreds of dollars worth of gear Yeah You have to have friends Yeah and you also have to like Don't you have to like commit? You gotta show up

I can commit You gotta show up I can commit I don't have a lot of things on the docket That's not what you say whenever I ask you to hang out. You never ask me to hang out. Well, I will. Well, don't. I don't hang out.

We need to accomplish something. A hockey game needs to get played. Yeah, a small fence needs to be built. I'll hire a guy. This last one comes from Steven from Wellington, New Zealand. I'm probably out for dinner having Wellington cheese sticks.

Or beef Wellington. Delicious lamb sticks. I work at a railway station. I'm probably eating a train. Sometimes that means I am at the station information desk. This part of the job includes dealing with lost property. Today, a middle-aged woman came up to the desk and in a somewhat angry tone said,

I left some wet towels on the train last week. Have you found them yet? They are wet. After looking to see if we had them, I told her we didn't. They hadn't been handed in to us. She then stormed off while yelling but they are very wet but by then they would have dried and so she's uh well she's more concerned about mildew oh yes i need to get them home and hang them up in my uh lord of the

rings style field we have everywhere in new ze big Lord of the Rings style field from the famous field scene. Of Lord of the Rings. It's all a field scene. That whole movie's a field. It's all a field to me. Seems like a lot of mountains. Yeah, mountains, fields, streams. Fields and streams.

Dave? Yeah? Is that the end of everything? Yep. Nope. That's the end of everything. No, no, no. Guys, let's talk about the upcoming Peter Gidden.

End of everything. Peter Gidden. Okay, guys. All right. Here we go. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, it's no skin off my nose, Chuck. But you got to know the number if you want to do it.

And I know the number, and I can give it to you. Cause I'm the guy who hasn't memorized. It's one eight, four, four, seven, seven, nine,

seven, six, three, one, or one. It's a bipod one. Hi, Dave and Graham.

And I forgot to think of something for the guest. Uh, this is Brian Minneapolis sharing an overheard that I heard at the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden while I was waiting to pay for parking at the little kiosk after we'd gotten there. And a young father said to his very young son,

well, actually, the adventure is currently underway. The first step of the adventure is paying for parking. That is the first step in any adventure. Speaking of Lord of the adventure is paying for parking. That is the first step in any adventure. Speaking of Lord of the Rings, I think they stop,

they pull over their Passat. Yeah, a little tiny photo bag inside. Are we on P2? I don't know. Maybe we are.2? I don't know. Maybe we are.

Oh, we lost the car. Isn't this fun? They should have an Audi because it has the rings on the front. Or a Kia Sorento because it's fun to say. Do they still make a Kia Sophia? I don't know. What was the Sophia? Was it a hatchback?

I don't know. It was a hush puppy i think i think all kias are the same shape which is different sizes some are some are hatchbacks some are minivans i hope that's true and right now i can't think of why it would be wrong but well i think that's what it is with minis because they have like a mini crossover. Yes. And it's the same shape. Yeah. Size. Like human beings.

Just like human beings. They're all the same shape, but different sizes. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Cody in Chicago. Hi, Cody. This is Cody in Chicago Hi Cody I was just walking to get breakfast right now And heard a woman Pushing her child in a stroller Say

Well we all hope Sammy doesn't die But Ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha Uh but We all hope he doesn't die but Let's get ready Let's prepare ourselves for the worst uh yeah i mean that's uh that's how it works death mostly you hope that it doesn't happen we haven't explained

death to our kids yet she's figured it out though didn't she find a dead thing at some point like a bird or something didn't you i think it don't know. Well, one time she was up on Alicia's balcony, and Alicia was like, oh, be careful, don't go too close to the edge. And she said, why? Oh, because you can die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Margo said, what is die? Yeah. And so Alicia had to explain it.

How do you explain, I mean, how do you explain death? Period. But how do you do it to a young... I think we said someone was living in the sky. Oh, he had to go away and live in the sky. Live in the sky. Yeah. Sounds like a lie.

How would you, if you had to, explain death to a child, how would you do it? Well, Chris's whole family are funeral directors, right? So anytime they would be around family, they would be around the smell of death. Because it really gets in your pores. Yeah, sure. How do you wash that? You can't. Wash that death right out of your hair.

Let me tell you one thing. That smells around. Yeah. I think he would just say that everyone dies. But what does that mean? How do you not freak out a three-year-old yeah you say you're probably fine for the next little while but remember to live your life every day because you never know little while look i'm not a parent it's not for me to say uh i even have a hard time with it as

an adult yeah so what do you mean i just don't like to think about it. Yeah, but you're going to die. No, I'm going to be frozen. Oh, really? Freeze me, baby. Is that what that movie Frozen is about? Yeah. I don't know who Josh Gad is, apparently. Here's your final overheard, guys. Hi, guys.

This is Gretchen calling in with an overheard. Hey, Gretch. So this is a very long food line at an outdoor festival. And this couple was talking about how they basically were wishing that they could be more active moving around instead of just standing in line. And the girlfriend says to her boyfriend, well, don't worry. I've been engaging my core the whole time we've been standing here. Wow. We're engaged.

Just our cores. I've never thought that while standing in line that I wish I could be more active. Also, one of you can get out of the line. Yeah, yeah. Or, you know, you could do a cartwheel. Brainiac. You do a couple squats, too. Yeah.

There are things you can do while standing still. Like what? Jumping jacks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Squats. Squats. Lunges. Shadow boxing.

Shadow boxing. Squats. While in line. Like what? Is a squat, do you get down on all, like, do you get down into push-up position? No, no, no. Squat is you just drop your booty, lift your booty, drop your booty, lift your booty. Burpee is what, is that's that push-up position back up again.

What's a squat thrust? It's like you drop your booty, you bring it back up, but whoa, watch out. Yeah, and you have to do it to a genuine song. Uh-huh. What are your top non-pony genuine songs? Damn it. Top non-pony genuine songs. Okay, Dave, can I see that phone where you keep the number that you've memorized?

Oh, I'd love to just take a quick peek. Do I do a good version of that sound in Pony? No, I hate it. Stop it. pony. Sounds like a goblin eating corn. My corny. So horny. Well, that brings us to the end of this year episode. Caitlin,

thank you very much for being our guest. Thanks for having me. There it is. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wow. It's deeper. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Blah. I'm just a bachelor. What do you have coming up? Well, I've got a new podcast out right now. It's called Road Trip Radio. Oh, I produced that. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Your portions. Thank you. I'm the co-host of it with Pat Kelly from This Is That. And it's produced also by Chris Kelly, who also did This Is That. Very funny people. And it's a family-friendly radio show show so I've never done anything so PG before but it's it's lovely

something people can share with their whole family it's G it's G you're right it's not even PG and there's 13 episodes and every episode

is a different province or territory and it's very fun and it's all on iTunes so it's called Road Trip Radio and you are at the Sunday service

each and every Sunday every single Sunday for you know now until you until I explain that you will die. Until Taz lets me go. Yeah. And you can find me in small parts on Lucifer, on Beyond. You can find me as a... Fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can find me in small parts in a garbage bag. After you've gutted that garbage can. Yeah, you get gutted. Yeah, I'm floating around. I'm doing weird gigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But you're making it happen. I am. And it's always such a treat to have you here. This is my favorite podcast to do. Oh, wow. What else do you do? Anyways, bye. Click, click, click, click, click.

Slam. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Monsters. monster sounds it sounds like a monster yeah yeah like a pony yeah um and uh if you're in edmonton in the the next two weeks i will be there doing the fringeinge Festival, and probably I'm going to go eat at Pita Getty. Probably on a semi-daily basis. Not every day, but every other day. Where are you about to?

I'm on Jasper. Oh, easy. Jasper Ave. Jasper. Crosses with White, doesn't it? At some point? Or are they running parallel? No, they're other sides of the River Valley.

Oh, I might never go to Pita Getty that's okay yeah hard to get across that river there's bridges ah yes

but a river runs through them under them yeah yeah yeah but so scary yeah seven years into bed

yeah um and uh if you like the show you should head over to maximumfun.org to check out the blog recap. One of the last blog recaps ever. We're stopping them at episode 500.

Oh, no. I didn't know. We might. But, you know, there's going to be pictures there, videos. Things we talked about. Probably Pony by Genuine. Sure. Or maybe the second most popular Genuine song.

You know, if there's a picture of the P to get a sign. I got one. I'll send it to you. Nice. Do you guys ever take photos of what's happening right now? Like a photo in the room? Yeah, some people do. My camera doesn't work.

Yeah. Cam McLeod took a picture of us last week. My camera jammed. That's nice. Yeah. Do you want to take a photo? No. Okay camera doesn't work. Yeah. Cam McLeod took a picture of us last week. My camera jammed. That's nice. Yeah. You want to take a photo? No. Okay.

Just asking questions. There's nothing to see. No, that's true. I mean, we're not in a revolving restaurant. I mean, I guess it would be good to take a picture every week just to watch us gain weight. Or to see how many cups of water and different juices do we have on this table.

For the listener right now, we each have a water. There are two beer bottles and an empty iced coffee. You gotcha. Nice. And if you like the show... And three full waters.

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