Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 503 - DeAnne Smith

Episode Date: November 6, 2017

Comedian DeAnne Smith returns to talk breaking rules, press tours, marshmallows.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 503 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's making a real Sears Portrait Studio pose. If I hadn't done that, what were you going to say? Did I cut you off at the heels? No, but...

Ankles? Knees. And toes. Mr. Dave Schumke. Yeah. I was doing a cutesy? Yeah. Like a curtsy, but with your face. Did your parents make you do Sears Portrait Studio portraits?

No, we have a couple. For some reason, there was a, in our church, one year, they did a church directory where everyone came in. They did a directory in the rectory. That's how it was built. Don King was attached. And they, yeah, families came in and it was like, you know, your school yearbook, but just church families. And we got a print of the picture. That was like our posed picture for life.

And then everybody at the church signed it. Did you have to do a Sears photo? Oh yeah. With my brothers. With your brothers. Every year. Cause why? Not just with you.

Cause they have school. Yeah. No, the three of us. And it wasn't Sears. It was Eaton's. But, uh, yeah, every year. Oh, I hated it. Oh, I hated it.

I hated it from the second it happened all the way through the year. I would consciously hate it until the next time it happened. It wasn't like it was just that one day. I would fear it. When did it end? It's still. Going to fly back in a couple of weeks. Did you slick your hair like Bart Simpson when he gets dressed up?

Yeah, you'd have to. Some years you would either wear your favorite T-shirt of that year. So, Ninja Turtle. Yeah, Wayne's World T-shirt, Ninja Turtle T-shirt. I don't know, you'd try some bold new hairstyle that day. Why would your mother not? For these photos, I'm assuming this was your mother. Yes.

Oh, yeah. It was the creative director. Why would she not? Like, you can wear whatever shirt to your school photo, but for this one, we're doing three sailor suits. I think she knew maybe that she was pushing it with making us do it every year. And our guest today.

Hi. What time of year was it usually making us do it every year. And our guest today. Hi. What time of year was it usually? Usually the fall. Oh. Yeah. You know, back to school. Things, leaves are changing. Your body's changing.

My body changes once a year. She's a hilarious comedian. She's one half of the Solomon and Smith comedy show that happens every month at Comedy Bar. The next one is November 7th. She used to be a member of Smith and Smith. Yeah, Smith and Smith's Comedy Factory. It's Deanne Smith. Hi, everyone.

Hello. You guys just reminded me of something that happened in kindergarten. Okay. At school picture day. You know when you take a picture of the whole class? Yes. Yes. How do they manage it?

I have no idea. Like the whole entire school with a guy on a ladder or just your class? Just the class. But that's still a lot, wrangling like 25. But occasionally they would do the whole school. The whole school, yeah. There'd be some shenanigans in that photo. We never did that.

That I can only dream about. Yeah, it was nuts. But yeah. Yeah, so I was like dream about. Yeah. It was nuts. But yeah. Yeah. So I was like, maybe the same as I am now. I was a bit cheeky, but also kind of shy and introverted. And I just got this idea about like, what if I stick out my tongue during the class picture? But it was like a very small idea.

And I was just a very small person. Small tongue. Yeah. And then I did it. Boop. And they took the picture right then. And then I was like, I wasn't like, yeah, I did it. I was like then I did it. Boop. And they took the picture right then. And then I was like, I wasn't like, yeah, I did it. I was like, oh, my God.

Oh, no. I got to wait until they develop this and then I'm in trouble. I'm going to get in so much trouble. And I did get in so much trouble. But it was also, weirdly, the time when Jonathan Darrow had an ink splot on his face in that photo. For a second, I was like, do we need to know who this is? It was around the time of that big Jonathan Darrow had an ink splot on his face in that photo. For a second, I was like, do we need to know who this is? It was around the time of that big Jonathan Darrow movie. But you know how you always, Jonathan Darrow, you remember all the first kids you knew?

You know their first and last names always? Yeah. I always find it funny when people tell you stories about elementary school, and they're like, you remember Kim Rainforth. Yeah, David Cartwright. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we have to redo the picture. Oh, you remember Daniel W.E. and Daniel W.A.?

Oh, sure. And Daniel Muggeridge. Nobody liked him. In my class, there was David K., David S., David W., and David D. That's a lot. Now, did the ink splat boy detract from Jonathan Crevinson? Yeah. What it meant was we had to redo the photo.

That's unprecedented. Wait, like weeks later? Yeah. And I think the only one who was prepared for it for the second photo was Jonathan Darrow. Because he was all dressed up nice and the rest of us were just in our like scrubby you know 1981 kids clothes so we have two pictures from that year I would have thought you were younger than that oh yeah everybody does I shouldn't have I shouldn't have given it yeah I was like oh you were oh you when you were zero yeah uh should we get to know us oh man we never even we never even did that get to know us uh i love this topic let's keep it up oh yeah so what uh because now they would they would the guy would be like oh this is a digital camera digital

let's take a thousand of them yeah and it used to be uh Picture Day, I remember being, like, there were always kids that had some sort of scheme that they were going to pull. They were going to do up their hair crazy or something like that. Or, like, write something on their shirt, like some sort of code. You know, they would do some sort of code or something. This was mostly in high school. Oh, my God, I like this. Yeah. I never, the one thing I did was I wore the same sweater for I think grade seven through 11 in every photo.

That is funny. You're a meme. Yeah, I was a meme. Did you know in grade eight, like, I'm building this thing. This is going to be something. Yeah, I think, well, I think maybe the first time it was a coincidence and I was like, let's just, and you know, when you're a teenager, stuff just continues to fit. And there's a, like, there is a meme of, like, a teacher who wore the same outfit on picture day for 30 years or something.

And I also like the ones you see now where it's two people will know that they're going to be next to each other in the yearbook. Oh, yeah. So they do a thing where they're pointing at each other. That's a level of coordination that I almost can't even believe. We didn't do that. We didn't even know about that. No. No, I didn't know that you could do fun things like that.

I didn't know you could do fun things on, like, a log ride when they take your picture. Because now you have, like, you know, people playing chess or something. And it just never occurred to me to be so like... What was the most clever thing when you were a kid? Oh, that's a good question. Were you a clever kid, do you think? I don't know.

Or clever girl? I was a velociraptor when I was a baby. You were turning doorknobs at a third grade level. I had these hands that were mostly claws, but I could do a lot with them. That's a good question, and I don't know if I can go back and think about. There was one guy at my school, because we had all the class portraits up, like class of whatever, 1975. Oh, sure. And like every individual photo. I'm sure

I've talked about this guy before, but he was maybe the class of 1987. His name was Tony Roy. Everyone's in a suit, a dress, whatever, tuxedo. He's got this, maybe a pajama top that says motocross. Nice. Supercross, maybe. Because I think we called our

improv team Tony Roy's Supercross All-Stars. Supercross, maybe. Because I think we called our improv team Tony Roy's Supercross All-Stars. That's so fun. Yeah. I wonder where Tony Roy is now. I was trying to think of an anecdote for you, which I think I have. Oh, yeah. So I might have missed the early part of that, but that was a, but I just want to confirm.

Thank you for being present. Well, I just want to confirm that that was a conscious choice on Tony Roy's part. I don't know. Okay. Because I was just kind of like, oh, what was his economic situation at all? I don't know. And everyone's all like, we're dressed up. And he's like, this is my fanciest pajama top.

Yeah, I borrowed my dad's pajama top. I don't know if he was cheeky. I don't know what his deal is, but he was like a folk hero. Okay, good. I'm glad. And I hope all is okay in the Roy household. That's all. I can't know.

He was born in a hurricane. When a hurricane and a tornado met, then Tony Roy was born. So he has no family. He's a folk hero. What was your anecdote? Well, now I'm not even sure it's worth the buildup. But the only thing I can seem to remember about elementary school were being trying to be funny, but also being too sincere that i would ruin the old joke um in third grade our music class and did this happen with you i

don't know if this is normal i don't know if it's an upstate new york thing music class was a woman who would roll in a cart full of musical instruments we didn't have a place to go yeah she would just show up in our room you had that too yeah yeah yeah it was it was like uh yeah the triangle and the sticks yeah or she'd It was like a triangle and two sticks. Yeah, or she'd hand him like a wooden fish with a stick. Yeah, we had a symphony room where we went to. I'm from a rich neighborhood. There was this one poor pajama boy, though.

But we did have a music room. Not a symphony room. Yeah, we had just, yeah, somebody would come in with a cart. Yeah, so Mrs. Allen would come in with the cart. And there was a song we all loved in third grade about, I mean, it was just dumb. It was a song about a purple cow, and we all wanted to hear it. And that was like our reward, that if we did a good music class, she'd put on the purple cow song. Yeah.

And we were so excited. And so we must have. I love how much this is tickling you. It just feels so familiar. Does it? Yeah. I mean, we loved it. Because in the middle of the song, it was like this cow noise that we all just like

waited for. That was just like. And we're like. I mean, this was before the Internet. Yeah. So she we must have been pretty rowdy or something. And she's like, I'm not going to play the internet, right? Yeah, yeah. So we must have been pretty rowdy or something. And she's like, I'm not going to play the song.

If I hear one more peep, I'm not going to play the song or something. And then she's like, okay, I'm going to play the song. And then I think I was like, yes, or something like just genuinely excited. And then she didn't really hear what it was or who it came from. And she's like, that's it. No song for anybody. I know. And then I mustered up like all the courage I must have had as an eight to nine year old. And I'm sure I was like beat red. I didn't love attention or anything.

And then I walked up to the front of the class. And in retrospect, I think about how adorable this must have been to an adult. Right. And I had the tears in my eyes. And I was like, Mrs. Allen allen it was me the one that said yes and i don't think it's fair that the whole class should be punished for something that i did and i'll stand in the hallway while you play the song you were you were spartacus yeah she was she was eventually like that's okay sweetheart sit down we're gonna play the song

i gotta kill four minutes anyway but But you know how, like, how intense everything feels when you're in elementary school. Well, yeah. Like, everything's happening to you for the first time, right? And I was like, I think that's the first time

I ever ruined something for 30 people. I like this feeling. I want to be a stand-up. Yeah. Now as a comedian, I'm used to ruining things. I'm lucky if 30 people show up that I can ruin their evening.

Oh, boy. It reminded me of just like we had music class and we had this teacher, Mr. Bell, and previously mentioned before because one of my classmates said they call him Mr. Bell because he has a big dong. call him Mr. Bella because he has a big dong. That was in the early 90s when it was okay for your teacher to just wear bike shorts to class. Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

There was a different. There was also a couple of teachers that were like gym teachers, but also other. Molesters? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They would have other subjects that they taught like social or something but they would still

wear the gym teacher outfit to teach you social studies I was like you're taking a lot of liberties here man blowing a whistle and that

is how the Berlin Airlift happened bleep but yeah Mr. Bell played guitar

and he would play like we'd get a sheet of paper and we'd sing Beatles songs And then at the end of Coolest class ever Our favorite part, everyone's favorite part Was he would just play You would lie on your back And dance What?

He would play guitar, he'd play different styles of music But he didn't want you running around Oh, so you'd like stay in one spot What? He would play guitar. He played different styles of music, but he didn't want you running around. Oh, so you stay in one spot. You lie on your back, you relax, and he'll do the blues, and everyone bicycles their legs. That sounds genuinely fun. Yeah. Yeah. And also, I feel like in this day and age, you could look at a room full of kids on their backs quote dancing and it would be like

this is not acceptable. Yeah, something weird is going on here. Yeah, I have very like fond memories of like being in elementary school and then not being a proper choir

but like just like singing. Like they would just put lyrics on like an overhead projector and then they just play like press play on put lyrics on like an overhead projector yeah and then they just play like press play on a recorder and like okay kids everybody sing and then i think the teacher's just scanning the room to see who's not singing or who's clearly just mouthing the words and then she would stand next to that person and try and like encourage them yeah pretty sweet

pretty sweet all around. Now you, we were talking upstairs, you're traveling around and you're not alone. I'm not alone. You're traveling with, you tell.

Okay. You tell the story. Well, I tend to say we and our and people are like, who's with you? And I'm like,

oh, my five pound chihuahua. Oh, it's a chihuahua. She's a chihuahua mix. So I just want you to know she's like a little bit better than a regular chihuahua. Why? Or a little bit worse, depending on what your preference is.

That's true, yeah. She's not susceptible to chihuahua diseases. That's true. Yeah. She's got stronger DNA. Yeah. Speaking of diseases, you know who my new vet is? Okay, no, no.

Dr. Sars. Do we want to gamble on this one? Speaking of diseases, do you know who my new vet is? My guess was Dr. Sars. Yeah.

That was a good guess. Jeff Otitis. Dr. Jeff Otitis. What? Who? Do you guys know the comedian Ted Morris? Mm-hmm. He's a comedian and also a vet. Dr. Jeff Atytus. What? Who? Do you guys know the comedian Ted Morris? He's a comedian and also a vet. Yeah.

It's so great. Yeah. So he's your vet? He's my new vet. I don't know this person. He's a. So my guess. He's super funny.

Okay. And you would love him. He's a. Yeah. He's super funny. And. And. Like he's a practicing vet.

He's not one of these people, like, because lots of, sometimes there's a doctor that'll get into comedy, but they're not a doctor anymore. I went to law school and I never practiced, but I got a million jokes. Yeah, this guy's a practice. Does he have his own practice? He works. I don't think he has his own practice, but he has a pretty sweet gig. Yeah. He's worked at this.

He actually goes around to schools with a cart full of animals. With a literal purple cow. And is your. I don't know words of any other jobs besides comedy. Because I'm like, he doesn't have his own practice, but he works at a clinic. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, so he seems to have a pretty sweet gig,

because he's been doing it a long time. He just works a few days a week. Yeah. Goes in there. And how's five days a week, 40 hours? It's just like part of the time. Does Rudy, your dog, travel well yeah she's the best um this is our first time going on a plane together i've taken her in cars a lot because

i've had her for a year and i did it guys i did the full thing i got a friend who is a clinical social worker to write me a little letter so that I can travel on the plane with my dog. Oh. Now, is that what's required to travel? She's small enough that she can come in the cabin with me, but she'd have to be in a carrier under the seat the whole time. Right. Unless I had one of these fancy little letters, which I do.

So she can just sit in my lap. Okay. Yeah. But no one even knows she's there. It's pretty great. She's teeny tiny. She's teeny tiny and she just chills out. You have sort of an allergy.

Yeah, I'm allergic to that. Do you know when a dog is there, even if it's on someone's lap? Usually, if it's not right around me, I'm fine. if it's not right around me, I'm fine. But yeah, there was one time that I was next to somebody who had a cat in a carrier and I had to be...

Euthanized. Yeah, they said of the two, we're going to euthanize him. They looked at our comparative list of achievements. They liked what the cat had done with its guy. Yeah, so I had to move. It was very... I hadn't even thought about that allergies. Because sometimes you can't its guy. Yeah, so I had to move. It was very... I hadn't even thought about that, allergies.

Because sometimes you can't bring peanuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are they letting me do this? That's not okay. I got you. Someone wrote you a letter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got this letter.

I do have a very nice letter. So who do you have to show this letter to? And is it laminated? Oh, I should laminate. Yeah, yeah. No, that was the easiest thing in the world. You mail it or email it to Air Canada, somebody, somebody. And then they just go, Yeah, yeah. No, that was the easiest thing in the world. You mail it or email it to like Air Canada somebody somebody, and then they just go, yeah, okay. Do you have to do it with every flight?

I think so, yeah. Or do you don't get a card that you can? I think you have to do it anew with every flight. Is that the only thing? Because it used to be if you knew somebody, if you were going somewhere for a funeral, you could get like a discounted fare if you sent in the death certificate. That's so intense, right? That's so, I know. And such a like hard way to get a discount on a flight.

Like, okay, well, I guess all the more. Can I borrow that death certificate for a minute? Yeah. And then back in the day, I guess you would have had to like photocopy it and fax it. But a lot of airlines don't even do it anymore. They're just like, nah, we're doing away with the whole. But is that it? Is it animals?

Are those the two special things that you can airplane to? Yeah. I mean, you need a rabbi to certify you get the kosher meal. Kosher meal, that's right. You have to have a letter from your rabbi. If you want the vegan meal, you need a... If you're going to do an in-flight bris, you also need a rabbi to sign up on that.

If you want to wear your headphones during takeoff and landing, you have to have a letter from Dr. Dre. This is fun. There's a lot of rules on planes and a lot of letters you can write. Is there any rule on a plane that you just constantly break? Are you? I do. I do. I mean, I do wear the headphones all the time.

Not the over the head ones, but I wear the little ones. And because now that's mostly okay. Yeah. But I was on a flight the other day and they were like, you have to take those out for a landing and whatever the other thing is, take off. And I was. Clinic. You really don't whatever the other thing is. Take off. And I was. Clinic. You really don't know the words for things.

I only know comedy words. I'm having a hard time today, guys. What's the other thing? Take off. And I was like, I'm pretty sure this is going to be fine. Yeah. So I snuck that in there. Have you ever had the.

I always take my thing as I take it off airplane mode. Oh, wow. We're almost on the ground. Yeah, me too. Me too. Have you had a flight attendant tell you that you have to open the shade? Yeah. Why?

Or like that you have to close it at night. Oh, I don't mind that. But like it's dark outside. I'm just looking at some blinking light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm generally not much of a rule follower, but now that we're talking this out. Yeah. I think that I pride myself on following the rules on airplanes.

Like they never have to tell me to put up the thing or put my seat back up because I'm like, yeah, I know this. Like I want to be one of the passengers that's like, I got this lady. I'm looking out for you. Yeah. It does feel like when they have to correct you that you are a hick yeah i've never been on a winged chariot before i'm also from ancient rome um now you you don't you say you don't follow rules. Is this like what? Give me an example. Well, you know, as we were talking about, like, as I was flooded with memories from elementary school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is only something I realized about myself recently is that I have these two conflicting sides of my personality where I'm like very anti-authority. Like, fuck this. Yeah. But I also, like, don't want to get in anyone's way. Right. Or, like, mess things up for other people. So it's like I break the rules but I'm

kind of worried about it all the time. Okay. So like you'll do it. What's the last big rule you broke? Yeah. That is a good question and something else might occur to me while you're talking. Okay. Hey Graham.

What would like, what do you think I would look like, what do you think I would look like with a beard of bees? I mean, you'd probably be pretty freaked out. Yeah,

but I'd look freaky. Yeah, you'd look super freaky. And worried, okay. Back to you. Okay, well, sometimes, if I can, if I'm in a city

where I can ride public transit without paying for it, I do. Oh. But then I, like, worry. Yeah, fuck authority. I worry the whole time. That's the only. I do. Oh. But then I like worry. Yeah, fuck authority. I worry the whole time.

That's the only thing I can think of. These struggling metro systems. Yeah. I'm trying to think of something that. But then I like worry the whole time. Yeah. That I'm going to get caught. What's something that I've, I'm trying to think of a rule that I like, I definitely

don't pay attention to what I put in the recycling. I put everything in there. Oh, really? Woo. Oh, I am. I put it to what I put in the recycling. I put everything in there. Oh, really? Woo! I put it all in there. Really? Yeah. In this house, I share recycling with everyone.

And some people just have never. If something has a triangle on it, they assume it's recycling. That's what I do. But a styrofoam that has a little triangle on it can be recycled, but they don't pick it up. Oh, no. I would never put in a thing that you get cookies in or whatever. It's got a recycling thing on it. I'll throw that in the recycling bin.

Can I say. Milk carton. I forgot there were other apartments in this house. And then when you're like, some people. I was like, like your wife and children. Some people just throw anything into the recycling. Goo goo ga ga, they say. Not today, missy.

Guys, what are rules even? I can't even think of rules that we're meant to abide by. Like, you know, one. Traffic rules. I do jaywalk. I do jaywalk. Oh, okay. The last thing that I did where I was like, this is clearly against the rules, but I'm loving every minute of it, was at a hotel where the pool is closed at a certain time, and I snuck in.

Oh. What? How did you even get in? My card worked. I think that people just assume that it shuts down. That it shuts down. Oh, that's smart. But it didn't.

Yeah. I think I've always assumed that as well yeah so i just scanned the card and the thing were you able to relax in the pool because me i was pretty freaked out yeah but i was like you know what i'm gonna do this because uh why not why not right um but yeah i think that's the last time where i was like i know i'm if i get busted i'm gonna be so embarrassed yeah because there's signs everywhere. That's really the only consequence. Yeah.

They're not going to kick me out of the hotel. No, but they're going to know. They're probably going to flag my room key when I check out. They're going to be like, late swimmer's fee, we're going to put that on. Were you naked? No, no, I had a pair a how many rules were you breaking yeah yeah yeah i don't i don't want to traumatize anybody but yeah i don't uh yeah that would be a lot to be a man

alone after hours and naked well that's too many things to be at once. To be a man. I know. Sometimes I do feel quite oppressed because I'm just being a man. Yeah, I don't know that I'm a rule breaker, but I guess I'm a rule follower. I'm a hot stepper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I'm a hot mess.

Everybody knows it. No, I'm not a rule breaker at all. Sometimes, like occasionally if I'm just in a hurry, I'm like, this rule doesn't apply to me right now. Nobody can see what I'm doing. Yeah. I can cut this way around the roundabout in my car. Right. You know, now that I'm talking it through, I might have morphed into more of a rule follower. Yeah.

Because when it comes to things that help society function. Like paying for transit? Well, except for that one. I tend to, like, I just don't want to get in anybody's way. And I don't, like, I'm in airports a lot, and I don't want to be the person that's like, I'm in a rush and I need to barge ahead. And because I feel, I get so annoyed when other people are like that and they think they're special. And it's like, no, we're all in this together.

Yeah. I think traveling, there's like a lot of, they're not rules, but they're like, we expect this from one another. You know, like what do you call the ropes that you have to walk through? Do you do those, though? I don't do those. You don't go through? Oh, if there's nobody in line? If there's nobody there and I can see that it's just like, walk, walk.

Oh, yeah. No, like, that's fine. But, like, I was walking around one and then this one guy tried to duck underneath and cut ahead and his wife gave him such a dressing down. Oh wow. But was there a solid line that he was sneaking into or he was just trying to get ahead of you while you like, no, yeah,

there was, he was trying to get to the end of the line before me, even though he came in behind me, but there weren't, he wasn't, it was just you. He was sneaking ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah but his wife his wife just gave him such a what are you doing this guy here one guy yeah i know yeah it's one guy what are you trying to prove husband uh anyways

it was uh stuff like that you know moving your tray along these These things. These little nice things. Moving your tray along? Don't you go to a lot of cafeterias? No, in the airport. In the security. Oh, in the airport. And yes, I go to a lot of cafeterias. I can think of no other place in which you had to move a tray along. What I don't like is how people kind of feel like they're being greedy if they take extra trays but

you need them yeah oh i never feel like i'm greedy and i always need like four yeah because sometimes people like you know i feel like they give me a bit of attitude because i take three trays yeah and because they want you to put your laptop in its own tray and people find that out halfway through and they have to go back and get another tray and the uh the other thing is is some airports like you have to put your bag in the tray for it to go through and then other times they're like what do you do they give you they give you such a look or if like if you're in a i think once in calgary i took my shoes off to go through security like what what the hell What kind of American are you?

What's wrong with you? I'm like, it's literally the thing that airports are famous for. Yeah. But, you know, there's all sorts of things you can do. You take your coat off preemptively. You don't wait until you get to the very, where all the, where the, all the trays are to take your coat off. These are the, these are the nice rules of society. This reminds me.

Where was I? Uh, Charlottetown PEI. Sure. And I was going through security there and it's so, um, it's a very small airport. There's really nothing going on. And this guy decided that it was like his moment, the security guard. And I'm quite like deferential to security guards and stuff. Cause I'm like're just doing your job i get it but he was just being such a dick and he decided he needed to go through like all the liquids and gels and just double check and i was

like yeah they're all in you know under the limit and then he got out this bag and he's like but they all need to fit in here and i don't know he was just really holding me up and he was having a lot of fun just being like i'm the authority on this and i was like you know what and i don't know he was just really holding me up and he was having a lot of fun just being like i'm the authority on this and i was like you know what uh i don't even really need all this stuff if it doesn't all fit because i was in such a rush to get on the plane i'm like i don't need this toothpaste anymore i don't like if this is a problem we don't we don't need to stand here and put it all in this tiny bag like and he's like no no no and then he did this thing that i i don't know if it was supposed to be fun or creepy or both.

But he was just like, so look, so it does all fit in here, right? Like if we packed this a little bit better, I think this bag would here, this would close. And I was like, yeah, or I could just like ditch half the stuff. I really don't care. And he was like, if you just agree with me, we're going to get along. Wink. And then I was like, yeah yeah I guess it would close anyway and it felt so creepy

yeah and I have to say I think it's great that's my least favorite type of person is the person with a tiny bit of power that really loves having that power yeah

like in whatever societal position they're in yeah like who's your least favorite type of person? you were saying off air something I don't think we can repeat it. I think it was an ethnic group.

Was it an ethnic group? Yeah, white people. Fair. I think that I've had this when I worked at a pizza restaurant and the guy that was one seniority ahead of me. I'm already mad

and I don't even know what you're going to say. Papa John. He made me do all the box making but then he would say we did and I was like that's an abusive power and I can't say anything

I couldn't come in and what's this we business but in front of the customers the customers. The customers are like, what a beautiful box. I would say, yes, and then he steps in front of me. Crisp corners. Do you know what my dad used to always say?

What? My dad, who was very white. Okay. He would always be like, what do you mean, Wii, white man? That's what we would say. I feel like that's from a movie. I don't know what it's from, but it was like just a dad standard when you said we. Yeah. And also like, where's mom?

I don't know. It's not my day to look after her or something like that. Or something like that. I'm not your mother's keeper. Yeah. My mom would say if I asked her for like, where's my something? Yeah. What'd your last housekeeper die of?

That was her go-to. What'd your last? Yeah. What'd your last housekeeper die of? I don't even get it. Like she's saying, I'm not your housekeeper. I'm not your housekeeper. What did your last housekeeper die of?

Oh my gosh. Yeah, that was her go-to. Did your parents have a sassy line? Oh, I mean, hay is for horses. Oh yeah, hay is for horses. Really? Yeah. Yeah, if you Oh, I mean, hey is for horses. Oh, yeah, hey is for horses. Really? Yeah. Yeah, if you were like, hey, hey is for horses.

I don't know if that was correcting me to not talk like an airplane hick. Hey, what are you fastening my seatbelt for? Maybe they just wanted to have fun with homonyms. That's true. Hey can also be for horses. Remember this always, Dave. Yeah, I think they had a few of them. Yeah, I mean, I feel like everybody I know, like,

hey, listeners out there, if you have one that your parents used to say, send it our way on the Twitter account. Whenever anyone called, like, oh, you know, so-and-so called. Oh yeah, what was on his minuscule mind? No. No matter who. That's so funny.

I think my dad would also, if he walked into the room and there was something on TV that he didn't know what it was, he would always say, who's this idiot? I love it. I'm being flooded with memories today. We used to have to answer the phone like this. Did you guys get trained to answer the phone? I had to answer like this. Smith residence, Deanne speaking.

No, ours, we had a different name. Oh, but did you have to be, flexible residence is what we said. Were you allowed to say hello? Because that was,

we were a hello family. Yeah. Yeah. I hated talking on the phone i was so afraid of it like it's some it's a stranger it's someone i don't know it's never for me it's a responsibility to the then find the person they're looking for i used to love answering the phone yeah i used to love it too like so professional but then my voice changed and i sounded just like my dad and so then then people, I would say hello.

And then the people would just start talking to his mistress and whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His many mistresses, your dead housekeeper, but all these people would just start talking to me as if I was him. And then I'd have to be like,

Hey, Graham's dad, what are you wearing? Your dad was a geologist. It's weird that they would refer to him as Graham's dad. That is weird wearing? Graham's dad? Your dad was a geologist? It's weird that they would refer to him as Graham's dad. That is weird. He's a geologist? Yeah, yeah.

So they'd be like, oh, hey, Mr. Clark, I'm here. I wonder, I found a rock. Here are these different rocks, igneous. Sedimentary. Yeah, cumulonimbus. But, yeah, we would just be a hello. But that, I liked, I liked. The epitome of rule breaking in my house.

Because when I was five, my brother was 16. He was a teen. Yeah. And I heard him answer the phone like this once. And I thought it was the coolest thing ever. So I picked up the phone once and I was just like, yellow. Oh, yeah. And of course it was my dad and I got in a bunch of trouble.

Yellow. Yellow. When, was it like Uncle Jesse on Full House would say, talk to me. Talk to me, yeah. Or when someone's answering machine message was, you know what to do. I liked old guys will answer the phone by just saying their name. Bill Carsland.

You're like, wow. I'm bringing that back. That is a little slice of fun that's been lost. Now that we all have cell phones, we always know who's calling. And we don't want to talk to them. Because I used to feel like a real rebel. I would just pick up the phone and be like, what's the word?

Because I thought that was fun. Go for Dave. I'm looking for your mother. Go for Dave. Go for Dave is great. That's like something somebody would say on a construction site or something. Oh, boy. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Go for Dave. Yeah, go for Dave. Nothing's going on with me man? Go for Dave Nothing's going on with me This is episode 503 I'm going to be doing some traveling So we're pre-taping a bunch Plus we have Deanne Smith in from out of town So you gotta You can't miss it

But today that we're recording is the day that our 500th episode was released And leading up to it we did a bunch of interviews. Yeah, we did. So we did a press junket. We did a little junket. Guys, I also want to say congratulations on 500 episodes. Thank you. That's incredible.

Thank you. That's a lot of episodes. That's a lot of episodes. And I saw both your all faces on the Arts Weekly last week. Yeah. Yeah, we were on the cover of the West Ender. That was so cool. We were in the Vancouver Sun.

Yeah. We were on Global News. Oh, so many. We were in Beetroot. We were in Beetroot. We were on the News 1130. Yeah, Roundhouse Radio. Roundhouse Radio.

We really did. We did a full. I can't believe I only saw you in one place. I didn't know you were in so many places. Yeah, we really shipped around. What did you think? I don't like it. I didn't know you were in so many places. It really shipped around. What did you think? I don't like it. I don't like talking to people about us.

Yeah, I mean, it was a neat thing to do, I think, because it was the anniversary thing. But yeah, it's weird. You probably do a lot of interviews, radio interviews. You know what's cute is how you always try to turn it back around. I want to hear more of what it's like to be Vancouver's Golden Boys. Oh, I mean, it's everything you could imagine. Yeah, we've got a shiny coat, like a wet nose.

What was the one question that kind of everybody asked you? Is there a favorite guest? Oh, yeah. Those get annoying, right? Well, it's because we're not going to, or when they would say who is the worst guest, we're not going to say. That's fun. Someone you've never heard of, for one thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if we named them, it wouldn't be like a cool. We should have said Johnny Depp. He showed up, he's smoking these weird cigarettes the whole time. He was dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow asking like how we're doing. This isn't the children's hospital. But yeah, it's weird because you do, you get, you know,

because you're talking about a specific thing. So you get asked the same question over and over and over again. And I don't know how, you know, you see those things where it's like people are promoting a movie and they're just like sitting in that hotel room and then all the people, I don't know how they do it. I don't either.

Did you do any like live TV or like morning? Yeah, we did that yesterday. Yeah, we did. That was so fun. I did one in Portland recently, like last week. And I didn't know it was like a Fox News affiliate. Okay. So that was kind of fun going in.

And the woman was really nice. Like she was a very cool woman. Oh, they're always so nice, aren't they? She was into comedy, I think, genuinely. But she goes, so what brings you to Portland? And I didn't know how else. My first answer was just, I was like, lesbians. And then she was like, woo, live TV.

And I was like, is it not okay to say lesbians on live TV? Do you know that you have lesbians here in Portland? Yeah. Wow. It was just this kind of fun moment where I was like, are we not allowed to say lesbians on Fox TV? It's okay. You're a Fox News affiliate in Portland. Nobody's watching.

That's true. Where are the people that are watching? And they're sad. TV stations are sad these days because there's no one else in there like this one woman's like running around there's like one guy where the camera's all robots yes yeah and she's literally doing everything like just running from spot to spot in the studio and like chucking her papers on the ground and it was like she was super professional and i was very impressed but i was like this is so lonely yeah and it's it's amazing i was saying yesterday i was on one once in nashville and uh

the lady went from reading the news and it was you know some sort of explosion somewhere and people died right into community calendar right right into this interview and just like she had to walk to three different places to do it the room is just a giant green screen yeah it was just yeah it is very it's very surreal kind of dystopian somehow yeah yeah because i uh i went to broadcast school like when i was uh back in calgary and like so we had to learn how to use camera like because they were still cameramen yeah and women at the time but then uh i don't know when that camera women meant porn stars in those days are you a camera woman you went to school in the 70s hold this yeah yeah um but yeah now it is it's all automated and it's all

yeah it's weird but all yeah all interviews are kind of weird yeah at least the live ones you know how they went like the it's the ones where you talk to someone and then weeks later you're like here's what they took out of what you said yeah yeah it was all good though yeah yeah i like that stuff always worries me and it was enough that like occasionally like once or twice a year i would get interviewed in something and i would have to tell my parents not because i'm like proud of this thing that someone wanted to talk to me because they don't want someone to be like oh i saw your son on tv and them being like what yeah because they come off as like bad parents who never talked yeah he had a jacket over his head and he was pushing away at the camera oh really what was on his minuscule mind yeah so but like there was enough stuff happening this time where i was like i don't

have to tell them everything i'm doing no no no like okay i'm sure if their friends are like oh i saw your son on tv they'll be like oh yeah i heard about that yeah yeah do they get a little thrill out of that because parents generally do um yeah i probably yeah it's kind of fun when like i would i was dreading going over there and like having them, you know, oh, we taped it. Let's watch it together. Oh dear. Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Um, but yeah, it's a, it's a fun thing to do once in a while, but I can't imagine if that was part, like if that was a regular part of your existence, I don't know. I don't know how people do it and i don't know how they do it and they're like so uh they've they're fun and funny and but dn what is it like to be a woman in comedy have you yeah i had it that that happened on i did an interview for the yyc comedy festival on cbc and the guys was asking me about the Weinstein thing. And I was like, well, I was not prepared to talk about that. Right? You're like, why me?

Has that ever happened where it's like they've all of a sudden just— Where I've been sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, let's break the story here. No, where they've asked you a question like— Based on the last story they were doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, let's break the story here. Nowhere they've asked you a question, like, based on the last story they were doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've kind of learned. I think early on, I didn't really understand how it worked.

And I didn't realize how much agency I had. So when they ask dumb questions like, how is it like being a woman in comedy or something? I'm like, it's fine. That's not really an interesting question to answer. Or I just, like, steer it in another direction or actually say, I don't want to engage. Cause early on, it was a lot of that.

Like some people think women aren't funny and what are you? And I'm like, no, I'm giving no like ink. What's it like to be a horse in comedy? That's what I want to know about. It's a lot of saying, Hey,

I think, but it was just kind of like, I don't want to perpetuate. I'm not buying your narrative to answer your question so let's just do something well you hate authority i hate authority yeah it's that's that's smart i came in hot on hating authority and you guys like how and i'm like sometimes i just get on the bus for free or like oh I mean, eventually it'll raise the price of the bus and it'll affect the people who need it the most. But I don't care.

But yeah, that's smart. That's something to remember the next time that I do an interview. I'm like, I'm not going to answer that question. Next question. Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah, yeah. I always feel like I have to answer it. And then I also feel like at the end of my answer, I'm like, I'm not going to answer that question. Next question. Yeah, you don't have to. Yeah, yeah. I always feel like I have to answer it. And then I also feel like at the end of my answer, I'm like, was that an answer?

Like, did I, because I'll just start talking. Oh, yeah. I also, I've tried to be better at it now, but I think early on, I would kind of forget that I was there in my capacity as a comedian. Right, yeah. And I would just be like, finally, I can just let my guard down and be sincere. Yeah. Just have like a one-on-one with this person.

Yeah. And I'd kind of forget that like anything goes because I'm a comic, so I could answer in any way I want. Do one of your characters. It doesn't have to, hey! Yeah, exactly. That's, see, these are pearls of wisdom.

Are they? I feel like you would never forget that you're a comic or that you wouldn't like get into the trap of being too sincere but when you're like

on live radio or TV you can be funny in the moment but if someone is gonna like just recording your conversation to pull quotes out of later that's true and if you say something

and then you're saying it sarcastically and then they include it. Guys, it's tough being in the spotlight. Oh, yeah. It's like that movie Spotlight. That's what that was about, right? I never thought. I think so. Yeah, I think that was pretty much what it was about. It's on my list. Yeah, it's on my list, too. I don't know. I've got a long list of movies that I mean to watch and then I just rewatch The Office. When we were talking about

news areas. Go on. TV studios. What's going on with me today? Takeoffs, landings, news areas. News areas. Clinics. God damn it.

I wasn't going to bring this up, but now I am. It's going to be a downer. But did you guys ever see the movie Christine? I just saw it the other day. Oh, yeah. With Rebecca Hall? Yes. Yeah, I watched it on an airplane.

No, I didn't. You didn't? I didn't see it, no. You got to see it, though. It's so good. It is good. It's really good. She kills herself on TV?

On live TV, yeah. And it's based on a real story. And it's not really... And speaking of which, I pull out a gun. Oh, no. It's not really like, it's not about that. Like, that's where it goes. But it's about the change when news was moving away from being like, here are the facts.

Or like, we're here at the Strawberry Festival. Yeah, and it was moving into like, yeah. Raspberries, blueberries. If it bleeds, it leads, basically. Yeah. Yeah, no, it didn't move into other berries. That would have been great. CNN, the Blackberry News Network.

What's up with you, Graham? Well, one thing, we got a bit of mail. Okay. A listener, Anson, Anson B. I left these upstairs, but that's okay. That's a wonderful name. Anson, yeah, right? I really like it.

You know what? Have it. I think I will. Yeah. DeAnson Smith. What's your middle name? Pretty good. Lynn. DeAnne Lynn. DeAnne Anson. DeAnne Anson. DeAnson Smith. What's your middle name? Pretty good. Lynn. DeAnne Lynn. DeAnne Anson. DeAnne Anson.

DeAnne Anson. DeAnne Anson. Yeah. Anyways, this person sent you some German mustard that came in like. Tubes. Like toothpaste tubes. Toothpaste tubes. I love that shit. I, uh.

Yeah. Months ago now made a plea to send me fun mustards. Did you really? Yeah. Love that shit. I, months ago now made a plea to send me fun mustards. Did you really? Yeah. That's smart. And, turns out,

I think I just like the Ikea mustard the most. Okay. Well, but you know, it's one of those things. Sometimes you have to go around the world

to find out there's no place like home. But how nutty are these mustards getting? And by nutty, I mean wacky, not full of nuts. Sure.

One, some of the, like there's a cranberry mustard from Winnipeg. There was a, oh, what's the, truffle mustard. And wasn't there like a chili or like a. Yeah, that one was spicy. But the truffle mustard was just like truffly as all get out. Like I don't even know if there was mustard in it. Oh, it was mostly truffle. It's just a powerful aroma.

Yeah. So this one you got, there's three. The one in the blue packet is like a sweet mustard. The one in the green is mild, and the red is Euro hot, which I don't know. Ooh, I like it. It's wearing a stretchy silver legging. Yeah. Is Anson from Euro? No, Toronto. I like it. It's wearing a stretchy silver legging.

Yeah. Is Anson from Euro? No, Toronto. Oh, Europe of Canada. Yeah. And,

uh, uh, so yeah, sent that. And then also sent me a little, uh, uh, some wrestling trading cards and an old, I think it's like some sort of kids game that it was a Mr.

T had Mr. T cards in it. I like mustard in a tube because then you can put it on a little toothbrush and brush it onto your sausage. That is a fun way to do it. Yeah. So thank you very much, Anson. Was it Anson? Yes, I know it was. You bet.

We mentioned it 10 times. And the other thing is. Can I look at that letter? Is that handwritten? Yeah, it's a handwritten letter. We mentioned it 10 times. And the other thing is... Can I look at that letter? Is that handwritten? Yeah, it's a handwritten letter. This is unbelievable. I can't believe you didn't mention that. And look at how good his penmanship is.

Yeah, and he mentions in there that he was drunk when he wrote that letter. So that's even drunk writing. It's really good. Get your life together anson if you're listening i want to hang out with you in toronto yeah go to it go to uh the show smith and solomon yeah there you go um the other thing is is i don't uh i don't i don't bake a lot i don't make uh you wake and bake yeah yeah yeah when you shake sometimes i shake and bake but i traditional dessert making i don't make. You wake and bake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll wake and bake. Sometimes I shake and bake. But traditional dessert making, I don't do.

And this wasn't really baking. This was just making something from my childhood that I was like, I haven't had that for. Was it an all-male Ghostbusters? Yeah, I was trying to reclaim it. Why does that sound like a cool stripper review? Oh, yeah.? All male, all nude, Ghostbusters. Slime are gonna

be there? Oh yeah. I made a thing of Rice Krispie Squares. Okay. That is absolutely not baking. That's not baking. But you know, it's treat making. It's treat making, sure. It's something you would sell at a bake sale. Yeah, and it's something I don't think I've ever made, ever.

I think I've just always got them at a bake sale or at a coffee shop. Real easy. Real easy, but I went a little heavy on the marshmallows. And so they were dense as a brick and stuck to the pan. I nearly broke a knife trying to get them out. That's intense. Oh, well, you have to. They go stale real quick, too.

Oh, I ate them like as soon as they cooled down. And they were enjoyable to eat? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to digest? Digestion was another. Chew entirely. But yeah, like, chew it. It was a real hard chew. It was like taffy.

I put too many marshmallows in. But, you know, I'd do it again. Did you ever put too many marshmallows in your mouth and do that Chubby Bunny thing? You know what I'm talking about? I do, but I don't know how I know that Yeah, yeah, what is that? I think you put a marshmallow in your mouth And you say chubby bunny

Then you put another one in And you see how many you can fill your mouth with Before you can not say chubby bunny Oh, okay, I thought it was that And you end up looking like a chubby bunny But I thought it was going to sound like a swear word When you, you know, like the born on a pirate ship yeah yeah exactly um but i think chubby bunny chubby bunny fuck you cunt what what just happened i think a kid died oh well

yeah chubby bunny chubby bunnying. Yeah. Or at least cardiac arrest. But this is the thing I realized while I was doing this, is that I can certainly eat marshmallow in a Rice Krispie Square form. As a kid, I used to be able to just eat marshmallows just straight up. Yeah. I couldn't. I couldn't now as an adult. Too nothing?

It's too weird. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a weird. There's no real texture and it's all sugar. Yeah. I how that could be a problem yeah yeah yeah like would you and it's also like weird like uh it's like an old man's hand or something like it's all like soft and dry you know what i mean like do you guys know i mean you've had dried apples? I mean, like. No. No?

I mean, like, you mean like apple rings or whatever? Yeah, like apple rings. Yeah, yeah. No. A friend once referred to them as having the texture. Uh-oh. This is going below the belt. Yeah, yeah.

Of old vagina lips. Oh, jeez. Well, that's Ethel Merman's nickname. I can't think of them in the same way. Eth, jeez. Well, that's Ethel Merman's nickname. I can't think of them in the same way. Ethel Merman. So I guess I just wanted to ruin. But like, apple rings. When you said dried apples, I was thinking of those

like sculptures of like when you made a face. Like old lady face. Yeah, old lady face. Or old lady. Woohoo. That was a really bad sound effect. Yeah. No, a marshmallow is, I've always had a sweet tooth.

I've never liked marshmallows. No. Not on their own. Maybe in a Lucky Charm. Yeah. What about a s'more? S'mores are overrated. Like, I feel like the chocolate never quite melts the way you want it to. S'mores are hard to eat,, I feel like the chocolate never quite, quite melts the way you want it to.

S'mores are hard to eat, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think they're more an activity than an actual snack. Like, I think it's just like, let's kill some time. They always make me feel like I'm doing life wrong. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then it like gets all over you. Slimes out the back. Yeah. Yeah. There's certain things that I, yeah, are sort of like, if you get the ideal, I guess this is great. But like, even like poutine, I like the first, that top layer of poutine with the, uh, with the gravy and the cheese curds is great, but you've ordered a big thing of it.

And now you're responsible for three quarters of this like dried fry thing with. I like I get I mix it around yeah yeah yeah that's the way to do it yeah that's

it's the only way as far as I'm concerned once you do it you'll never go back mmm mmm and the other thing with marshmallows

yeah like they'll put them in ice cream they'll put them in rocky road they don't freeze well no they don't really.

Do they freeze at all? Or, yeah. They're just, they're one of these things that end up, like I'm sort of not wild about nuts in ice cream either, because they end up harder than they should be. Yeah, you just like a straight tiger stripe. Look, I like what I like. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

No tiger stripe. Tiger stripe? You remember tiger stripe? I don't know what it is. Oh. Are you Canadian? No. No, you're not.

I wish I was. No, it's actually called. Honorary. I don't have fond memories of Swiss Chalet. That's how I know

I'm not really Canadian. No, we talked about it a couple weeks ago. It's actually called tiger tail. Oh, tiger tail. And it is orange

ice cream with a licorice strip in it. No. Yeah. It is not good. It's not good, but it looks, it's one of the. No. Yeah. It is not good. It's not good, but it looks, it's one of the coolest looking. Yeah. And it comes, it's Canadian?

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, it is? Yeah. Oh, okay. Ugh, that's so wrong. It is pretty wrong.

You're right. It is wrong. No, I have, I have so many favorite ice creams. Top three, just list them like that. Vanilla, French vanilla, English vanilla. What do you like? What's your go-to? I love a coffee.

Oh, really? Yeah. A coffee ice cream? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You? I like a mint chocolate chip. Yes, that's also very good.

Mint chocolate chip is probably the top. I call it Napoleon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean Neapolitan. They're all good. They're it Napoleon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, Neapolitan. They're all good. They're all good. You know what? There's an ice cream out there for you.

Yeah. Hey, listeners, this is November's Ice Cream Awareness Month. And we just want you to. To be aware. Yeah. To take a, have a moment of silence and spend it licking an ice cream cone. Do we want to move on to the... Oh, funny thing the other day.

Yeah, yeah. The Margo was... We were at my parents' house and Margo was pretending to be like a chef. And she went up to Abby and said, what would you like to eat? And Abby said, a cheeseburger. And she went back into the living room,

pretended it was a kitchen and came back with a fake cheeseburger and said to me, what would you like? And I said, oh, an ice cream cone. And she walked away and then quickly came back. With ice cream in it? Aww. Pretty cute. Nope, an ice cream cone with chicken

chunks with tenders in it. Okay, let's move on to some business. Alrighty. Move on to some business. All righty. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You got to do some more.

Take care of business. Oh, guys, it's business time. Oh, hi. This week, we got a Jumbotron, and it's about a little podcast by the name of Pet Theories. Pet Theories is a podcast all about the weird ways that humans and animals interact. Every week, Eve and Ephraim answer your tricky pet questions from cat custody battles to how to speak your dog's language. Woof, woof, bark, bark. Eve has over 15 years experience working with every kind of animal

besides humans, and she lives to talk about pets. So send your questions to PetTheoriesPodcast.com or shoot us an email at PetTheoriesPodcast at gmail.com. New episodes every other Wednesday. Just search for Pet Theories.

It's Pet Theories, Graham. Pet Theories. Now, what would be your question that you would ask about Wednesday, just search for pet theories. It's pet theories, Graham, pet theories. Now my, what would be your question that you would ask about an animal? Um, what have you always wanted to know? Does my dog love me back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good, that's a, that's a really good one.

Does my dog understand the depth of my love for him? Yeah. I also wonder. I guess that's more for a pet psychic or some kind of charlatan. Or yeah, like, or a pet therapist, some sort of pet therapist.

But yeah, you're right. Pet psychic is who you want to go to with that. Also, where is my pet? That's also a good call

for a pet psychic. What? Yeah. Like in the, in the afterlife? Yeah. Yeah. What?

Where's my pet currently who's right here? I wonder if birds hate being pets. Because they seem like the most independent of animals. What with the flight and all. Yeah. I wonder if they don't. I've always been curious to know. Do birds hate that?

But to own a bird, you, there's something wrong with you. Either that or you're, yeah, you're some sort of, you know,

a wrestler or a 1970s TV detective. These are the other occupations for bird, bird owners. Now, in addition to the

Jumbotron, by the way, if you would like a Jumbotron message on the show, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron, by the way, if you would like a Jumbotron message on the show, go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We are also sponsored this week by Casper Mattresses.

Now, Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported in part by Casper, a sleep brand that is dedicated to creating an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience one night at a time. That's the only way to do it. Yeah. One night at a time. sleep experience one night at a time. That's the only way to do it. Yeah. You try to catch up on sleep by doing two nights of sleep at once.

And then you think you can have the next night off. No, that is a rookie mistake. Yeah. That's a fool's error. It's like when you're trying to bake a pie and it says to cook it at three 50 for 40 minutes. Well, what if I get it 3,500 degrees for one?

Yeah. Uh, 3,500 degrees. For one man? Yeah. Now, Casper offers affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to the customer. I saw the middleman down on his luck sitting on a street corner. Tough beans or reansies. Yeah, sorry middleman.

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It's been flooping my life ever since. Terms and conditions apply. We are also sponsored this week by ZipRecruiter. Now, Graham, what if hiring could be easier, more streamlined and less time consuming? I mean, I would like that very much. Dave, I would love that. You hire, what do you hire? I hire a root beer sale. Have we done that before? Possibly.

I hire, you know what? I'd hire somebody to come over, clean up the place, and decorate it. Create some sort of, you know, a look. Yeah, you want to feel like you're in Victorian England. Yeah, yeah, by way of Santa Fe. With ZipRecruiter, you can do just that.

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Victorian Santa Fe? Yeah. Comes up in your email. Yeah, you want a little, you want like a an Adobe spittoon or whatever? Chamber pot. Yeah, an Adobe a little, you want like an Adobe spittoon or whatever? Chamber pot. Yeah, an Adobe chamber pot, absolutely. You know, one of those Piper drawings, you know, but wearing a big billowy dress.

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on ZipRecruiter for free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash stop. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash stop. Well, I guessiter. Dot com slash stop. Well, I guess we should get back to the show. So we go. In celeb news this week, the hosts of Lady to Lady took a break from hanging with today's hottest comedians, actors and writers to sell a sex machine.

What they do with all that cash. Rent a party bus to go to Magic Mike Live in Vegas, of course. All of this on the heels of a salacious sizzler session with Home Alone four-star French Stewart. Want to know what the f*** we're talking about? Tune in to Lady to Lady whenever, wherever you listen to podcasts. Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. Hi, I'm comedian Emily Heller.

And I'm cartoonist Lisa Hanawalt. And we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses. Do you want to learn weird new facts? Can you keep a secret? Neither can we. Paul F. Tompkins Kristen Schaal Maiful Che and more so check us out on Maximum Fun and let us mess with your brain yes please baby geniuses we know everything baby geniuses tell us something we don't know

Overheard Overheard's a segment in which you know people say the things and they do things and they're the greatest people in the world who do and say things.

And if you're lucky enough to see or hear one of those things, you can bring it here to the podcast. And then we can all share it and we can all enjoy it. We always like to start with the guest. Okay. Deanne, would you please? I will. So these are just things that have happened in the last couple of days because I remember

that this was a segment. Perfect. I want to start with an overseen because this was just really cute today on the way here i saw a person on a moped and they had a helmet on and the helmet was all red and it had devil ears and then the face mask part was a skull, and it came down the front. But they were on a moped in business attire. So they had so much going on because it was like, but they were just going slow in their business clothes. Beep, beep. Yeah. This is a hand-me-down from the devil.

It was a really intense helmet. When you buy a helmet like Like if you saw that, a helmet like that, you have to think about your day to day. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it would almost be too much.

Like if they were on like a fast moving, loud motorcycle, you'd be like, Oh my God, they're straight out of hell. Like this was, this balanced it out. Yeah.

It's kind of, or maybe it, maybe it wasn't like it was the guy forgot his helmet and was like, hey, bruiser. Can I borrow your helmet? I got to run some errands. Bruiser. What kind of office do they work at where there's a guy who's like a real biker and just a person who would wear a suit? What is this business I've dreamt up?

Hell's Angels? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Are they the only ones working at the front and they don't know it's a front? Oh, there you go. How come this dry cleaner never gets any real laundry? Yeah, I guess the money laundering is an actual dry cleaner. I was hoping you wouldn't pick up on that.

I think that's just the first thing I thought of. Dave, do you have one over here? Yeah. Oh, you had another one. Well, yesterday I went hiking. Do you guys know Dog Mountain? No.

Okay, well, it's a fun place to go. I know Dog the Mountie Hunter. It was Dog the Mountie Hunter. Wait, is this here? It's here, but it was like a bit of a drive. It was somewhere in the north end. Sounds really fun. It was really fun.

So it was this hour-long hike there and then back. And I overheard this person, it was a conversation between, one guy was like holding court with his group of hikers. And he said, and so he warmed olive oil and put it in his ear and everyone went and then someone went is he okay and he said he's not okay and that was it that was all we heard and the rest of the time we're like what is he remedying by putting warm olive oil when you say all we heard you mean you and the dog i definitely with the dog, but I was also with my friend Emily. So we were trying to imagine what was his affliction that he warmed olive oil and put it in his ear.

I'm trying to like picture it in my mind. I was like breadcrumbs in the ear. So he's making some sort of croutons? Yeah, balsamic in the other ear. There you go. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like that. I've heard of that

being a treatment for something. But why did everybody go, oh, because to me, it also didn't sound that bad medically. Warm olive oil

sounds kind of nice in your ear. Yeah. If it doesn't sound like it's going to really mess you up and then there's like, is he okay? He's not okay.

Well, because the tick was in there first. Yeah. Maybe it was, yeah. Maybe it was like to treat an ear ache or something. I have no idea. Yeah.

How would you apply it? Finger? Finger in the old way? Or eyedropper? Eardropper? Oh, sure. I'm Googling it. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Olive oil. Why not? It's olives. It's all natural. Right? Right?

I was hoping you boys would riff on his affliction. Do you know how I... I don't know what kind of... I don't know what ear afflictions there are. Deafness. Oh, right. Well, I was just going with the olive oil thing. It says that...

It's like maybe he was hearing voices that they were only in Italian. See? You didn't need us to riff. But I wanted you to riff. You guys rip That's your deal It says here that the The best way to warm up olive oil

Is to show her a Naked picture of Popeye What grade did you hear that joke? There we go What grade did you hear that? What kids are talking about Warming up olive oil? These ones at Dog Mountain

There are so many things here that you could use it for. Yeah. Ear congestion. Tinnitus, it says. Oh, tinnitus. Tinnitus. Tinnitus. Yeah, a lot of earwax removal. Okay. See, it didn't

sound like a big deal to me, but they were all concerned. I think anytime that you're putting oil on your body that's not room temperature, you gotta be careful. Well, was it hot oil or warm oil? Warm sounds nice. Yeah, yeah, I know, but you could screw that up. Yeah, they didn't say boiling olive oil

when he poured it in his ear. Right out of the pan into his ear. And the other thing is that people were talking shit about High Park as I was hiking, and I thought that was very funny. High Park toronto which is like of course it's not going to compare to any of the places you could go to in vancouver this isn't this isn't dog mountain territory yeah um but what why were there a lot of dogs there no i brought my dog i don't know why they call it dog mountain but it had a really beautiful um founded by a dog? I don't know why they call it Dog Mountain, but it had a really beautiful...

Was it founded by a dog? No, maybe. I think it was founded by a dog. A very good boy. But it was... It had a really nice overlook. So we're like looking at all the bridges and all of Vancouver and Giant Mountain. You know what it's like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are mountains and clouds. And there were these tiny little squirrels up there. And these like two crows that knew too much. And there were these tiny little squirrels up there and these like two crows that knew too much. They knew what snacks were and they knew how to intimidate you. Oh boy. Oh boy.

That's yeah. That's a Vancouver crows all over. Yeah. That's why I walk everywhere with a badminton racket. I have a holster for it. Um, I guess I do. This overheard is, it was hard hearing things because my ears were full of olive oil. Warm olive oil? How did you get a warm?

Oh, boy. I showed it a naked picture of Brutus. Ludo. What? He's sexier than Popeye. Well, you take that back. Popeye's the sexiest. Do you think Popeye's wiener goes big at the forearm?

Oh my gosh. Like it's skinny and then big with a... Like a Q-tip. With an anchor tattoo on it? Yeah, yeah. Do I think that? You bet I do. Okay.

I can't look at Deanne while I'm asking this question. Don't know you well enough. This overheard, actually, this was given to me by Abby. Abby overheard this. She was at Winners. Which, if you're not from here, it's like TJ Maxx. It's like whatever, Marshalls or any of these yeah discount clothing discount overstock clothing and at the in the lineup they have all the snacks so she was in tj snacks thank you all right there it is uh she was waiting in

line behind these people and they were talking about all these snacks. And I'm like, oh, that's a weird flavor for that. Oh, I didn't know they came out with this flavor. And one woman just went, man, pretzels are the dumbest. She's really anti-pretzel. Yeah. I mean, they're not. They're delicious.

I think they're the best. Yeah. Especially if they're warmed up with a little olive oil. A little olive oil. They're not the dumbest, but they're not the, like, a soft pretzel's great. Yeah. Oh, boy. What is the hierarchy of pretzels?

Pretzel logs. What are pretzel logs? You don't know pretzel logs? You mean like a straight pretzel? Yeah, or rods. Are they soft or hard? They're like, oh pretzel? Yeah, or rods. Are they soft? Are they untwisted? They're like, oh, they're like, I was going to say the size of a cigar because that's what you do when you're kids.

You're like, ah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And they're kind of thick and they're crunchy. Yeah. I think those are the best. I like the ones. That's your top.

I think so. Oh, boy. There are these ones from Trader Joe's that are filled with peanut butter and they're covered in chocolate. Okay, you win. I didn't know we could add things. And they were like, that's how Abby gives you your medication. Yeah, they're basically the size of a dog tree.

That does sound delicious. And then I like, but also any, what was the one, so people were giving us pretzels in like Pennsylvania when we went to Max Fun Con East. Right.

People were. Lisa Wise gave us some. Yeah. And they were like pre, like onion and mustard powdered. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not sure about that.

All right. Were they good? Yeah. Okay. And then on the, oh, it was great because this is a thing that happened five years ago, but we were getting a ride back to the airport. Yeah. And Ben, who was driving us and his girlfriend, like, oh, I wish we'd gotten some of those pretzels from the vending machine for the drive. And I pulled out this giant bag of exactly what they were talking about.

Yeah. That's a cool moment. Yeah. That's a cool moment. Yeah. That's a, I think soft pretzel is still like my top. Yeah. Number one, like a warm, soft pretzel with like a little bit of mustard.

What about like a soft cinnamon pretzel? I mean, if I'm a, you know, if I've already had my dinner pretzel. Is there such a thing as a cinnamon pretzel? Oh, yeah. Or is it a churro? Well, the churro is different. It's a pretzel with cinnamon on it?

Yeah. I mean, they're usually badly done in the mall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's a nice, it's a nice aperitif. No. Aperitif is before? No. No, aperitif is before.

Digestif is after. Digestif is after. Digestif. Thank you. My overheard. Have you had a pretzel liqueur? That'd be kind of a fun bottle if it was shaved like a pretzel. Yeah. That'd be pretty good.

Yeah, I like it. I was on the bus and there was transit security. And now we all have these plastic cards. They used to look at everybody's transfer to see. And now it's just a very simple, like, I'll scan, I'll scan all your cards. Oh, they scan to see if you've activated your trip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. cards oh it's they scan to see if you've activated your trip yeah yeah yeah if you've got like or if you've got enough uh if you've got enough money on your thing or if you just walked on and didn't

scan it through or whatever oh it's the most dehumanizing oh yeah like let's come on the bus and scan everyone's cards so so uh i walked by as he was scanning this woman's card, and the guy said, there's no money on this. And she was very confused. She was like, what do you mean? He's like, you have to put money on it. And obviously that sentence made no sense to her because she just said, put money on it. Like a horse? Yeah. Like put money on it. Like a horse? Yeah.

Like a sandwich? Like an open faced? Clearly the way he phrased it just made no sense. Like put money on it. But it's a card. How would you? Anyways, that's my over. Did he make it clear to her?

I didn't hear that much. I was like, I gotta get a seat. Number one priority on the bus, making sure that your elderlies and your pregos have seats. And then number two is getting a seat myself. Yeah. And the rest of the business can just go on around. Yeah, that's fair. And occasionally you'll see a weird news story about an elderly prego. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Exactly. And you're like, well, they get two seats on the bus, I guess. One for them and one for their 65-year-old child. Yeah. They're bizarre. Just give birth to a 65-year-old. Geriatric fetus. We are geriatric fetus.

This gig sucks. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from William S. My friends, this is Will and Boise. My friends. this is Will and Boise. I love Will and Boise. I'm glad they brought it back on Must See Thursdays. Did that show,

did it premiere already? Do people love it? I don't know. You're a member of the community. I feel like I heard everything in the lead up and then nothing since. So it probably didn't work out so well. I have no idea. Hmm.

It's like the weirdest experiment. They're like, well, people like this. It would have been one thing if they just brought it back and just changed the name and like, they'll all be basically the same character. But just to be like, the show. Just like, it hasn't missed a beat. We're back. I hear they're killing off Grace and bringing in Leah Romini.

She's gonna have a full dance card. Will of Queens. So this is my friend's eight-year-old sister said this to me The other day Jingle bells And Batman smells

And you're Batman So you smell But You do save the world Oh So nice little Well Save the cheerleader

Save the world Yeah yeah But That song is anti-Batman Cause Robin lays an egg Yeah And furthermore, the Batmobile loses its wheel.

Joker gets away. Now, speaking like we were talking about music class or whatever, did you get in trouble if you sang during the Christmas season? If you sang the Jingle Bells, Batman Smells version? You get in trouble in an organized choir? Yeah, no, like because we would have to, that was like

during that time of year we would just sing Christmas carols. Okay. And but there were teachers listening for contraband lyrics. Check the halls with Santa's balls. I can say definitively that I would have had a huge crush on whatever seven to eight year old boy would be bold enough

to sing the Batman smells version. I was like, this kid's a badass. And how many additional lyrics after happy birthday are allowed? And many more? On channel four? Yeah.

And Scooby-Doo on channel two? There's no end to it as long as you can keep rhyming it um this next one comes from ariely s uh from winnipeg um i was sitting in the waiting area at my university's admissions office when a lady walked up to a guy working at his desk. She asked how his weekend was. It was pretty weird, actually, he said. My friend was in an MMA fight, and I was not in the right headspace to watch that. It was pretty brutal.

Long beat as she stared at him, noticeably confused by what he just said. Trying to explain, he said, MMA, like martial arts. She said, oh, MMA. I thought you said anime. My friend was in an anime fight.

It flew up in the sky. There was a lot of explosions. And anyways, you know, anime. Sailor Moon kicked his ass. I just like how open that guy was. When's the last time someone was like, how was your weekend?

And you're like, brutal. It was actually brutal. I mean, but, and then having like a cool kind of follow-up story. Like I saw my friend in an MMA fight. Yeah. I don't think I would want to see any of my friends in an MMA fight. I don't think it's for me. What if it was two of your friends fighting each other? That's perfect, because then it's canceling each other out.

So it's me versus Alicia Tobin. Oh man, she'll bite. This last one comes from Brian C. Brian Seitzer? Yeah, and his orchestra. We're the dumb idiots you listen to.

I overheard this today in my 10th grade English classroom. Girl, my mom has a tramp stamp of my name right above her butt. That's messed up. There is a point where your kid's going to know, hey, that's my name above your butt.

But also. What an odd placement. Yeah, but like, I think 99% of tramp stamps would be done before you had kids. Yeah. would be done before you had kids. Yeah. Or, yeah, I guess there was a time when it was like really the thing to do. It's a very specific period of time. Oh, my God.

Right? Like early 2000? Late 90s, early 2000? Yeah. It looks good. I almost can't think of a worse tramp stamp. Like I'm actually trying right now. Than your kid's name? Yeah. It looks good. I almost can't think of a worse tramp stamp. Like, I'm actually trying right now.

Than your kid's name? Well, everyone that bangs you from behind for forever is going to have to read your kid's name. Yeah.

Why won't you think about that? If it's the, it may or may not be the dad of that kid, but that's even worse if it is. Yeah.

Having to put down like a towel. We're doing this again, eh? So messed up. Yeah, yeah. Just, just like, you know, can I just put some stuff on here to change the name a bit? Like, I don't know, this is an L. Can I make, cross it into a T?

Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm, uh, yeah. Looking at the name Tyson the whole time, but then I was like, what's the girl named?

Lyson? Lowercase L. Nevermind. That was a weird route to go down. Um, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call

us, the number is easy to remember. It's in my brain right now. And so I'm going to say it to you because I've got that information at my disposal. It's 1-844-779-7631 or 1- Ugh.

SpyPod 1. Like these people have. Hi graham this is alec and i'm here with julia downtown we just walked by it's kind of late at night sorry it's kind of late at night this is an overheard and uh yeah uh we walked by drunk dog too uh we walked by this uh guy in front of a bar talking this nighttime and i walked by another guy in front of a bar talking. It was nighttime. I walked by another guy and the guy says, ecstasy, coke, what do you want? Oh, wait.

Are you a cop? Oh, shit. I did it afterwards. Fuck. Oh, well. You know, you have to tell me if you're a cop, even though I just said a bunch of crimes at you. Yeah. Well, wait a minute. Wait, the deal's not done yet until you answer whether you're a cop or not.

Thanks for saying hello to Just Graham. Yeah, what the hell, man? I mean, in a way, that overheard was just for me. Yeah. I really enjoyed it, but I overheard was just for me yeah i really enjoy it but i overheard it yeah damn it guys once i was at a rave in a mexican jungle whoa whoa whoa hang on a fully uniformed police officer whoa whoa whoa came up to me and my friend and was like girls do you need any drugs uh what are you doing tonight you doing coke uh you could just go up that trail and get

some more and he he was blowing my mind because we were high on drugs and he was fully uniformed. And I couldn't figure out if he was trying to trick us or what was happening. And to this day, it's like, it's a freaky thing. Would you think that maybe because you were high on drugs, you thought that he was a cop, but actually he was just a guy who worked at a hotel? He was fully uniformed in the jungle. You thought you were at a rave in a Mexican jungle, but you were at a rainforest cafe. You were a raver? No, it was the one rave I went to in the Mexican jungle.

I guess if you're going to go, you might as well go to a crazy one. But it still confounds me. Was this a corrupt cop, or did he think we were that stupid? I mean, I bet he made a lot of calls. I think you can be a corrupt cop pretty easily in a jungle in Mexico. No offense, Mexican jungle listeners. Here's your next phone call. Hi, guys. This is Matt chicago calling in with an overheard

my little cousins were arguing about superheroes and one of them said the flash is the best he can run so fast that he could be superman and his sister replied oh yeah, yeah? Well, what about Jesus Christ? All right, bye. Yeah, he can walk pretty fast, too. They're all fast. That's a good comeback for many things. Oh, yeah? Well, what about Jesus Christ? Oh, yeah, I guess.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. What about the divine light provided to us from Jesus Christ? Is the Flash faster than Superman? I feel like... I mean, he'd have to be. Otherwise, what's his point? Yeah, yeah. Is he faster than a speeding bullet is the real question here.

Yeah, he can go like around the world really fast, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's really... But he's just got the one thing. Is he strong? No. I mean, listen, bud. He's got... He doesn't have radioactive blood.

Like the, I hate being a podcast. I'm talking about the Flash stuff. Yeah. But it is like. I feel like is Flash faster than Superman has been asked by assholes with fears in basements for since the iPod, the pod, iP since the iPodPod store opened. Oh no, Dave's brain's broken. To PodTodd. PodToddleton.

Here is your final overheard. Hi, Dave and Graham, and all possible guests. This is Philip in Seattle. I have an overheard. I was just out walking my dog this morning, and as I passed a neighbor's yard from behind the fence, I heard someone say,

Dude, why do you have so many machetes? That's all. Thanks. Bye. Because you don't buy one at a time. You buy them in bulk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, it's the Second Amendment. Yeah. Of the Mexican jungle.

Yeah. I'll have to own as many machetes as I want. As I need. Our forefathers, when they were clearing brush. Yes. Yeah, they wanted to make sure that everybody's right to lop off arms. Was Jason the first machete guy? The first, like, big machete guy?

I don't know. Are we talking Friday the 13th? Yeah. Didn't Indiana Jones have a machete? Didn't he do some machete work as a weapon? No, just clearing his way through. I mean a weapon, like the movie Machete. Yeah, I think probably.

Have either of you boys ever held a machete? Yep. They sell them at the flea market. Yeah? Yeah. Have you macheted some stuff down? No. Too heavy.

Yeah? Really? You'd have to have built up your forearm and wrist. Like Popeye's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or your dingle. How do you pronounce machete? Machete.

Yep. you pronounce machete machete yep um that brings us to the end of this year podcast uh dianne yes you have solomon and smith solomon and smith first tuesday of every month in toronto at the comedy bar and uh where can people go to find you online if they want to learn more about dianne smith yeah you can just google the name yeah Yeah. You'll be doing pretty well. Deanne Smith. Twitter. Are you related to Deanne Word? I wish. Google that. But I like you a lot.

I think all my stuff has underscores in it. So you could go to Deanne underscore Smith at Twitter or Instagram or Facebook. Yeah, you're on Facebook. I had an album on iTunes. You could take a look at that. What're on Facebook. I had an album on iTunes. You could take a look at that. What's it called?

Or listen for free on Spotify. I'm the worst at business. It's called Tell It to My Balls. Tell It to My Balls. Yeah, you took away that album name from a whole generation of male comics. Thanks for nothing, Dan. And thank you for being a guest on the show it was my pleasure thanks for having me guys um if you listeners out there want to uh you know engage further with the show that's your own business yeah uh you can go over to maximumfund.org and check out uh all the

other shows that maximum fun has to offer you can go to our twitter account at stop podcasting uh you can go to reddit there's a maximum fun group there facebook we've got a stop podcasting yourself group on facebook group on group on you can sign up for a laser tag weekend uh girls girls laser tag weekend and uh uh so you can find us that's where we are online and if you like the show please tell your friends

and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself woo maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.