Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 505 - James Hartnett

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

Comedian James Hartnett joins us to talk '90s internet, the Menendez Brothers, and sleeping on a dang boat.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 505 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who welcomed me this morning at the front door with his shirt unbuttoned, Mr. Dave Shumka. That's not fair. No, you're right. If the top button was done up, the bottom button was done up.

And that is... Is that a look? It's not a look, but How do you button your shirt normally? Do you go top to bottom or bottom to top? I go random I'll go second one down, then bottom one up I more often than not do top, bottom And then just fill in the middle as I get ready

I guess, I suppose I start at the bottom Work my way up Like Drake Yes, thank you um and our guest today i don't know how he buttons his shirt but he is like drake in a few ways yeah yeah yeah from the t-dot uh-huh dark beard yeah very yeah thank you tight rhymes uh mr james hartnett is our guest hi thanks for having me Thank you for being here What a pleasure

Yeah, this is nice Now we forgot actually in your intro Oh yeah He's also the host of the Landlord and Tenant Pod Mess And he is a Comedian And

Improviser Sure Thank you so much Hi Hi, how are you? I button my shirt top first and go down. Oh, okay. Because I always want to make sure, that's the only way you know you're getting the right button in the right hole.

You can't start in the middle. You might put a wrong hole in the, you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. But I feel like you could start at the bottom and do the same. That works too yeah on uh baby onesies quite often they will have they'll all snap together but quite often all the snaps will be silver but one will be gold so you can tell you can start in the middle and be like these two fit together no matter where you start pretty good they should consider doing that for adult men's shirts. Have a red button and then like a red button hole.

Have you ever, you know, sometimes with shirts, the extra buttons will come stitched on the inside. Have you ever accidentally buttoned that in the dark? Probably.

Yeah. Probably. I've done it all. I mean, I'm pretty experienced in dressing myself. Do we want to get to know us? Oh, yeah.

Get to know us? Oh, yeah. Get to know us. James. James. Yes. You're visiting us. Yes. From Toronto, visiting our fair city.

Yes. And how's it going? How are things? It's pretty good. I'm in Vancouver to help out at Ebony Rosen's book launch There you go

What I think happened The book Good plug Yeah Yeah Nice work Thanks, thanks So what do you

How do you help out You're putting up Bunting I'm putting up Bunting I'm doing some cooking For the event Are you really

No But I don't know Mine seems Scramble eggs Just one of mine mine here's some scrambled eggs yeah just one of those big silver trays of scrambled eggs you could bring you know rice crispy tree sure yeah i mean i don't think i'm gonna do that but um have you ever have you ever been a part of an event where you had to do had to cook yeah do a little baking a little bit of cooking. Never. No, me neither. I only feel like I make

breakfast and that's it. I've been asked to like bring, you know, Dave, for Christmas dinner, can you bring over the corn? Oh, sure. Or a couple years ago, corn albums. I was asked to bring pie because the people of my generation all

kind of mutinied against Christmas pudding. Oh yeah. What is Christmas pudding? Like a, is it a rice? It's like a turd that you, it's no,

it's a black thing. It's a black brownish. It has, it's like boiled raisins that congeal together or something. Very British, isn't it? Yeah. And then there's this delicious hard sauce it's called, which is like, I think it's just

icing sugar and a little bit of water, which is delicious. And it's the only redeeming thing about it. I don't think I've ever had it. You've had it? Yeah. My dad, we used to have it and my dad would light it on fire. I'm not even kidding. Like, you know, like an alcoholic thing and would Light it on fire I'm not even kidding Like you know

Like an alcoholic thing And then light it on fire And burn off the alcohol And then Was this Do you remember it being gross? Or It's like just British food

Where it's like Kind of gross But you sort of Like it if you're used to it Yeah I don't know Yeah It's kind of like

Just moist Yeah Like a moist blob Yeah They call lots of stuff P's kind of like just moist. Yeah, like a moist blob. Yeah. They call lots of stuff pudding, too. Yeah. That's not pudding. Yeah.

But they call a lot of things pies that are surprisingly pies. Yeah, that's true. They're consistent on that, at least. Yeah, the... And every backyard's a garden, even if there's no garden there. Yeah. Oh, man. And then elevators are lifts and skiffle bands.

There's all sorts of words that just never made it across the pond. Across the pond? That's another one, Britishism. But your family at some point did puddings and then switched to pies? Still Christmas puddings. Even as a kid, I was like, oh, this isn't. I come from a time when pudding was pudding. When pudding was like a goop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It came out of a box. Yeah. Yeah. You get it in a little cup. Oh, boy. Yeah. Really good.

Do you still go to your folks' house for Christmas? Yeah. Yeah. Or my sister's house or something like that um do you ever have to bring anything bring over some breakfast honestly no because i'm the youngest by a lot and i think i just was never nothing was ever expected of me like that okay you know what i mean i never really they all are sort of um in this adult space still that I don't have to occupy. Kind of.

Yeah, because you're the youngest by quite a few years as well. So you feel like all the adult things have already been taken care of? Yeah, they've already been assigned. Okay. So you're just the free agent? The free agent, The wild card. How many siblings? I have a brother and two sisters.

Beautiful. Me too. That's exactly what I have. Whoa. Yeah. Hello. How old are you? May I ask?

You may. 35. 35. How old are you? 36. Ooh. This is interesting. Yeah.

You guys might have been chums, you know? Yeah. But I literally had no friends other than people in my grade. Yeah. So if you were a year older or a year younger, I didn't know your name. It was kind of weird when you were a kid that if you had a friend in a higher or lower grade. Yeah, they're like, wow, how mature. Yeah. Or, come on, get somebody in your own grade if you were like a grade six and you're friends with a grade

four you were probably a nerd or something was wrong with you yeah or like the most compassionate kid in the world which is a uh a fault yeah yeah exactly when you. All the way up until your 18th birthday, compassion is going to throw you under the bus. Now, James, have you been in a commercial? I was wondering this. You've been in commercials? Yes. Have you been in one where you played a dad?

Yeah. Because I remember seeing that commercial, and the kid was like eight. Yeah. And I had like a six-month-old, and I remember like, I don't know that guy, but I know he's not pulling off this dad thing at all. This guy didn't have a kid at 26. You know what?

I bet the kid was maybe even 10. And I was like 33. Whoa. I mean, I know that happens, but that seems insane to me as well. But like, you're a working actor. You don't have a kid at 23. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, how is that? What was it for? Yeah. Visa. Visa, okay. Oh, well, they're everywhere you want to be. Oh, hey, not bad. Is it, because I don't do acting, but I've been in auditions where I had to play the dad to some kid yeah and i i don't know

i don't know what the hell it's really awkward yeah and i don't want to like i don't know i don't want to sort of like be this like when you're in with a room with a kid you don't know you don't want to be too familiar and like don't worry you just say this you know what i mean but you also want to be nice yeah i don't know it's awkward and like how do you like because some of these kids are pretty precious right precocious yeah precocious yeah add a couple letters there they're you know like they talk like adults is that that's unsettling right yes where they're complimenting you on your acting and you're like, hey, I'm the dad here. I did a kid's show and there was a really precocious kid actor in it.

And he was like, there was another actor, an adult man who had a very deep voice. And the kid turns to me and he goes, ah, that voice, huh? I was like, yeah, yeah. He was like nine years old. I was like, yeah, yeah. I was like nine years old. What was this show? Odd Squad.

Odd Squad. Yeah, which is really funny. What is it? It's on like PBS and I don't know what it's on in Canada. TVO or something. I don't know if you get that here. It's like these kids use math to solve evildoers. And are you an evildoer?

I was an evildoer, yeah. I've only been on it a couple of times, but it's a fun one. Yeah. Show your kids, Dave. Oh, sure, yeah. Their math is garbage. Mm-hmm, well. Yeah.

Sorry to hear that. I will. Then maybe they need it. Uh, that reminds me a little bit of ghost writer. That was the one. Oh yeah. Ghost writer.

Word. And it was a ghost that used, could find words, places to help them solve mysteries. Oh yeah. Was that what that was about? Yeah. Oh wow.

It had a ghost, it could get a search warrant. Robot thing. Was that ghost writer? Yeah. Oh, wow. It could get a search warrant. Did that have a talking robot thing? Was that Ghost Rider? I don't remember. The one I remember growing up with was, now I can't remember, Square One. Oh, yeah.

Square One. Yeah. That was good. And it was, I remember liking it despite its math content. Yeah. Well, you know, Kid and Play were on it once.

Weird Al was on it. Yeah. There was like a little guy that was supposed to be like Pac-Man. Yeah, Math-Man. Math-Man. And they did Math-Net. Yeah. Which was a weird choice because no kids knew what Drag-Net was.

Yeah. I remember watching the movie Drag-Net and being like, this is something that I don't get. Like, this is for somebody else. Was that the beginning of when they tried to make TV shows out of? Or movies out of old. Movies out of old TV shows. Moldy old TV shows that like. Because they never did like My Mother the Car or anything.

Oh, but they should. They did Down periscope was that something yeah yeah sergeant bilko sergeant bilko uh they did uh flintstones yeah well no mckayle's navy was one of the ones like it's hard to know what what these were based on or if that was an original thing yeah and it was like weird like who would want i don't like who would want that like sergeant bilko like yeah who who was in that remake who was bilko was steve martin oh god okay but i don't know what the original bilko was i know that in the movie poster it's steve martin and he's a sergeant but he's wearing like a silk robe and carrying a golf club.

But that was like a whole genre of humor. Like the slacker army guy. I guess when like 50% of the population had been in the army, there's a lot more of that going around. Yeah, because there was like Beetle Bailey. There was one when I was a kid called Sad Sack. Sad Sack? Yeah, it was a comic called sad sack oh sad sack yeah he was a comic book about it was basically beetle bailey it was like a guy who was always trying to have a nap and then he would always end up on while he's in the army yeah yeah he was always trying to have a nap is like the number one comic plot yeah whether you're Dagwood

Snoopy lying on top of his house Snoopy Sure Is Dagwood Blondie's husband? Yeah That guy's a loser What? Well he

What's his whole thing like? He's got a big dick Really? Well he must Oh because Blondie's a babe? That's what I'm getting at Yeah Oh

Yeah cause he would What? Get fired a lot? That's what I'm getting at. Yeah. Yeah, because he would, what, get fired a lot? No, he would just make a big sandwich, but he was still so skinny. Yeah, it was weird because he looked like a cartoon, and then his wife looked more like a real person. Like, she had human proportions. He was kind of a stick man. Like, his hair was stick man hair. And it was never funny, was it?

I don't know if any of them were ever funny, but I read them every week. Yep. I would get a weekday one, too. Oh, sure. If I was up early enough. Mother Goose and Grim. Uh-huh. Classic.

Always funny. What was the setup of Mother Goose and Grim? It was a dog? I'm thinking in my head, and it was sort of a talking dog, but was that Mother Goose? Yeah, I think that, I don't know. That might have been in the other newspaper. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Because occasionally you'd go to a restaurant that just had a newspaper on it, and you're like, we don't get this newspaper. This newspaper has Garfield. What are we? I got to suffer with Fred Bassett. I remember the first time that I read a Herman comic, and I just thought the guy who drew the people like that, I was like, his whole world must be insane.

If he thinks that's what people look like. Everyone's so ugly. Hermans were pretty funny, weren't they? I don't know. I remember reading them on my parents' toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad had them on his toilet. So many memories on my parents' toilet.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like parents And garage sales Had Herman Yeah Big time Were Herman's One panel Yeah

Yeah I remember like I remember one Herman As an example Go ahead Just to set the scene Sure It's a

Large man In a doctor's office And his His The front of his body Looks normal But in his back He has like a big

like gut in his back and the doctor just says you've got to stop eating on the run so his food went backwards his food was running so fast and he got a gut on his back yeah that kind of thing

yeah it's not bad like if you have to come up with a new one every day that's not bad that is not bad I just cause so many of those comics

back in the day took place in a doctor's office I wonder if they just had like a standard template like okay he's sitting on the thing

he's got a shirt off and his pants off like a like a modern animated series would have well we've already built the doctor environment but that was like back i guess back in the day going to the doctor comedy gold it was every day as going to the army and taking a nap

there also used to be a lot of songs about going to the doctor and asking the doctor, you know, I went, the, the good loving song, you know, like I asked my doctor what was wrong with me. And the doctor said,

you know, like, Mr. MD, or like, I just went checked in to check what my condition, my condition. Sure.

Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got a bad case of loving you. Yeah. Yeah. And same with, uh,

uh, sexual healing. I feel like that was a diagnosis that he received. Yeah. There was, used to be a lot more, our culture used to be a lot more about. Yeah.

And love was an affliction at the time. Yeah. This was before we cured love. Or we at least vaccinated for it Yeah And there's some people who won't They say you know it's controlling our brains or whatever Are they going to use herd mentality? What is it called when they

Yeah what is that called? Is it You're right it's something About being Pack herd Yeah Do you know what we're talking about? I mean I They rely on the other kids in the herd You're right it's something About being a pack herd Yeah Do you know what we're talking about They rely on the other kids in the herd

To be vaccinated So their kid won't get it Oh really I think that's what it is Yeah there's like this kind of thing Like if everybody else is getting their kid vaccinated Why do I need to get it Interesting

I'm trying to get it? Interesting. You know what I mean? Interesting. I'm trying to Google it, but I'm mistyping it. Yeah, fair enough. Herd immunity. Herd immunity. Nice. It's called,

also known as free riding. That's a cool alternate name. Yeah. Yeah, that's like something like Foghat would really get into. Free ride your kids. So what else is going on

James? Tell us, tell us, spin us a yarn. Well, I flew in yesterday and it was on the closest I've ever come to missing a flight, which was really stressful.

I was just too khaki. I'm, I'm usually really good about this Did you go with Evany? No she came a day before She's my girlfriend Congrats And so I came the day later and you know I didn't have to do customs

I didn't check a bag so I just got too cocky and I missed a train so I got there a little late and then it was just a really long security line. And, um, I was, ended up sprinting.

Oh no. Like really sprinting. Were they, did they call your name? No, but they did go, um, you know,

boarding closing for this flight. I was sprinting down the street and I, or down the, down the walkway. Yeah. I was outside of the runway. Um, and I actually, but then as I was sprinting, I was outside on the runway. And actually,

but then as I was sprinting, I passed a guy and he's like, you late for 7.13? And I was like, yeah, he's like, don't worry, I'm the pilot. I was like, oh. That's kind of a funny, that's a funny Sunday Funnies comic. Also, maybe you show up a little early there, pilot. Make sure everything's alright. Yeah, really.

Yeah, talk about cocky. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It was also WestJet, and, you know, they do shenanigans on the plane. Oh, yeah. What kind of shenanigans? Oh, God. Do they do an improv?

Kind of. When we're landing, the pilot goes, okay, we're just about to pull in here to Cancun, just checking if you guys are paying attention. That kind of thing. That's a good, that's a classic, I think. And then, he goes, okay, now, just before we land, can everyone, just to stretch, put your hands up? I'm not even kidding.

And then everyone around me puts their hands up and saying, now to the left, now to the right, now shake them like you just don't care. I was like, what the hell is this? You were getting the full... I hated it. You cared. You cared too much. I did. I was like, what the hell is this? You were getting the full... I hated it. You cared. You cared too much. I did. I was like one of the only people to not

do this dumb thing. So that's weird when they give you like the closing call. Or like when they, they'll, sometimes they'll be like, we're boarding zone one and two, now zone three, now zone four, and final boarding. one and two. Now zone three. Now zone four.

And final boarding. Like you didn't, there's no, there's nothing, there's not enough time between final. Final feels scary. Yeah. Yeah. And then. Like I'm not, I haven't even been called yet. Have you ever heard it where you're waiting for your flight and then you hear final call and then you hear another call and then you hear a call for a specific person? And I was like, well, what was all this final call and then you hear another call and then you hear a call for a specific person. Yeah. I was like,

well, what was all this final call business? Um, yeah, I don't, uh, I've only had that once where I've like had to run and it was cause my friend's car got towed and he had to like negotiate with the tow truck

driver to like put it back down. And by the time we got to the airport, it was like 10, I think I had 10 minutes to clear security. Yeah. And just barely, barely made it. Well,

I, when I went, uh, when I was coming home from Columbia, I had a pretty quick turnaround, like I think an hour and 15 minutes, but I had to go through security or go through customs, then go through security. And through customs, then go through

security. And, uh, so I, I'm, I'm not running, but like I made sure I got a seat near the front of the plane so I could get off really early. Ah. And then I'm walking really quickly. And I know that there's these people from Quebec sitting around me that are also worried that

they're not going to get their connection. And, uh, so I'm hustling and I get through customs and there's this lineup and these Quebec people, they just, you know, they just budged in front of everyone. They're like, we have a really quick connection. We, we're not going to, we can't wait in line. We are flights leaving at the exact same time as my flight. So you were, you were putting in the work. I was putting in the work and they were just like, they were free riding.

I thought about that yesterday, because there was like a 30-minute line, and I was so stressed, but I was too meek to say to someone, you know, should I bud in front of people? You know what I mean? Yeah. And I wanted to say that to someone, and I didn't. I mean, I feel like you need to show the person at security, like, my flight's leaving now. Can you put me in a special line for losers? I feel like you need to show the person at security, like, my flight's leaving now. Can you put me in a special line for losers?

The Dagwood line? Oh, yeah. Oh, man. What would that line up look like? Somebody who's got all liquids. Just a giant cooler. I'm wearing a liquid suit. A John Popper vest full of ketchup,

different ketchup packets. But Abby did the same thing where she was, but her flight was delayed. So she had the same, she

had a much smaller window to go through customs and security. And she went through customs and got to

security and someone met her at security and was like, you're not going to make it. Here's a ticket for tomorrow morning.

Wow. Now that's service. $10. Now put your hands in the air and wimp like you just don't care. Yeah, I was behind a lady recently who brought like a full water bottle, like a refillable water bottle. And she was, I don't know, she was shocked that she couldn't have aable water bottle and she was i don't know she was shocked that she couldn't have a full water bottle and the guy at security was like you can drink it or you can give it to me or you can go back dump it out and then come back around in line and so like he laid out the

three possibilities and she just kept staring at him and he was like again again. Yeah, here are your three for, you know, this water. But like, it's not a new. Yeah. It's not new now. No. And when we were in, again, Columbia. Yeah. We had these water balls and we went to throw them out.

And the person at security was like, oh, you can have that here. Like on flights within Columbia, you're totally allowed that. Ooh. I know. Yeah. oh yeah narcos yeah real narcos but this is liquid cocaine by the way i was gonna pour it out but thank you now you do it fly a lot as a, I don't know, you know, I suppose so. Yeah. Um, I'm not a great flyer. I get nervous a little bit on takeoff.

I feel it feels embarrassing to get nervous. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I don't know. It is a pretty weird thing. It is. And once in a while when I'm kind of sleeping on the plane, I really think, or when, you know, when I'm dozing, I think about what I'm really doing, like that I'm in the air going so fast and like right below

my feet is just a big giant drop. And it freaks me out momentarily. Yeah. I guess I don't ever, there's a part of my brain that's like, we're not going to think that way. I definitely have that where I'm like, shouldn't it feel like I have this weird, like, like when you're going really fast in a car, you have that feeling in your stomach or you're in a roller coaster. Like, shouldn't this feel like that? Yeah. Yeah.

And also like, I remember one time I was on a plane and I was like, it was a long flight and my brain was suddenly like, oh, you know, you're not going to be able to get out of here for, you know, seven or eight hours. Like, this is it, man man are you a claustro i think i got a little bit squirrely after that because uh uh i don't think that i ever in like i never thought about it i was just like oh movies and i have a book and you know this is gonna be great but my brain was like no matter what like you can't leave no matter how bad that book is yeah there's no option to just throw it out the window i remember the uh uh and maybe they still are but ads for like gum like wrigley's experiment the ads were about chew it as soon as you get off

the airplane or like chew it on the airplane because you can't smoke. Oh, yeah. So you can smoke as soon as you get off the airplane. But it's for people who are antsy because they can't smoke for five hours. I guess maybe that was our entire lifetime that you weren't allowed to smoke on planes.

In North America. Are there still countries where maybe you can smoke on planes? I bet you can smoke on Russian planes. I always saw a picture of a, it was like a high class European flight from the 60s. Ooh. And they had like a meat cart. A bidet.

They bring the bidet to every seat. They had this full like meat cart with like hanging sausages and like a like a ham that's great

and then it showed like the the flight attendant like with a giant knife like cutting the ham oh man what an

it was such an innocent time yeah and also kind of a gross time that they were just like oh we're all gonna smell smell meat for their self.

Air ham. And ham. But also they're all smoking, so they can't smell anything. Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't, I guess, yeah, I don't think about the mechanics of flying. Yeah. But there are mechanics.

Oh, yeah. The mechanics of flying. Yeah. But there are mechanics. Our mechanics. Oh, yeah. Now, did you meet him ever before our Toronto show? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Because you host a show. Oh, yeah.

Laugh Sabbath. Every week. Yeah. At the Comedy Bar. Mm-hmm. And, yeah. You host it every week or? It alternates, but I host one of the weeks a month.

Right. Okay. It was my first time meeting him. And then he told us, or after our live podcast in Toronto this summer, there was a giant lineup of people. Like we normally like a dozen people will want to say hello. Yeah, yeah. But there was this giant lineup of people. people will want to say hello.

Yeah. But there was this giant lineup of people. Uh, and so, uh, Chris Locke, our guest and Ebony and, uh, James were all waiting at a table for us to finish up to go out and have a drink. Oh yeah. And then a guy came up and was talking to Ebony and like knew everything she had ever done. Yeah.

He was like, um, oh, I love picnic face. And he's like quoting, you know, um, uh, you know, sketches and like, uh, what was that? and he's like quoting you know um uh you know sketches and like uh what was that power thirst like quoting her things like going on like just the biggest fan like photographic memory of everything evany's done and then chris is sort of there too and chris was also a guest on your show and chris is just sort of sitting there and after the guy praises evany he turns to chris and he's like, loved your work on Seinfeld. And then Chris is like, oh,

because you think I look like George Costanza. And he's like, yeah, it's crazy. Chris is like, thanks, man. That's just the best yeah and then didn't we

wander around forever trying to find oh yeah because the show was in like a dead zone yeah for bars that's the worst

when it's a big group of people and you're like okay let's find a bar and no one really makes any hard decisions of where to go and you just wander

the first place we found that was like even a possibility was like, we close at 1130 on Saturday. Yeah. What? Yeah. Because it was, it's like, it was right down by the water. Yeah. It's like. Queens Quay.

Yeah. Yeah. Is that like where families go or something? Yeah. It's sort of almost like close to the, you know, like the financial district-ish almost area where there's just not a lot going on at night, I guess. Oh, he could have gone to like a finance bar. Oh, sure.

You know, a bunch of guys in suspenders talking about the big trades of the day. What would be a good name for that? Bilo Drink High. Oh, sure. Something, some sort of play on Wall Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah., drink high. Oh, sure. Um, something, some sort of play on wall street.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something about commodities. Yeah. Uh, this bar never sleeps. Uh huh. Let me,

well, this is dumb. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, did you ever see wall street or I saw the first one? I never saw the sequel.

No. Oh man. It's, uh, the first one did you see the sequel no oh man it's uh the first one's uh hilarious because of uh charlie sheen like uh dates daryl hannah and she's like an interior decorator and what she does to his apartment is the most like that specific year 1987 yeah it's just like. Rich guy thing. It's crazy. Is it like all pastel and. Yeah. And she like does like fake exposed brick.

What's that like. It's the most 80s thing that you still see in houses. Because I guess you can't really change a thing like this. Are those like glass bricks. Yeah. Like. Like. Oh oh something sexy's happening behind this door some 80s lady with tan lines i feel like aquariums are still big oh sure yeah that really went out of style too my neighbors had a big aquarium in the wall when i was a kid yeah like one of those like like a pet store style yeah wow yeah yeah maybe maybe just like like you'd seem a bit weird having fish now kind of

don't you think like if you if i walked in and you had all these big aquariums or it seems like you're really into sex in a weird way yeah i don't know why yeah yeah i know what you mean yeah it's sort of like mirrors on the ceiling. Yeah, or a waterbed. Yeah. Yeah, like it's all just like, it's not overtly erotic, but yeah.

Something. Like you're wearing a short, like satin leopard's like robe, like a robe that just comes below your nard. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Aquariums, robe like a robe that just comes below your nard yeah yeah um yeah aquariums also like aquariums are like so much work yeah like they're as far as a pet goes like you know there's no other pet where you have to like drain their environment and then like recreate it again

and they sort of give nothing back yeah it's like there's no interaction. Yeah, they don't even know you exist. Literally, you're not supposed to tap on the glass. And you give them a flake of food. Yeah, none of my friends. I had a friend of a friend who had a snake when we were kids. And boy, oh boy, if you've got a snake. I mean, you want to talk about.

My brother Buzz had a tarantula. Wow. Yeah, woof. Do you have any pets growing up or? Yeah, we always had dogs. We kind of grew up in the country and we had dogs all the time. And like, what do you mean you grew up in the country? Oh, well, I grew up near Orangeville in Ontario.

By Orange Lawrence? By, yes. And, you know, we just kind of grew up, you know, there's a lot of space and it wasn't really in a town or anything. It was just in the country. Like a farm? Kind of, but my dad's not like a farmer. But it was kind of like a fake farm. Like fake animals?

Yeah, mannequin animals. Rubber eggs every morning? Yeah. We're not a real farm family. And like, did you have to like bus into school? Oh, yeah. It was like a 45- minute bus ride in high school. Whoa. I hated it.

I had to get the bus at seven in the morning. But like, I bet you a lot of stuff went. Why did school start at 745? Well, break you. It started at 810 because I got there a little early. I don't know. I hated that. Isn't that the worst when you're 15 and you have to go to bed at like 10?

Yeah. Yeah. Like what age do you at like 10? Yeah. What age do you discover sleeping in? Of course you can't do it on weekdays. No one will let you do that. I feel like it's somewhere after Saturday morning cartoons lose their allure, and then you're just like.

Once you started staying up late and surfing the net, you want to sleep in in the morning. And what were you surfing back in your teen? Oh, God. I mean, I guess probably some porn in there, but. Sure. Well, yeah. But like, I don't even know what you would.

It would take forever for an image to load. Oh, like, I don't I don't know that there was anything. I was so scared that somehow my dad would find out some way. Yeah. I don't even think he would have cared, but I don't know why. I was so scared by that. Yeah, it's the fact that teenagers think parents don't know they're jacking up all the time. Actually, I think the coolest thing my dad ever did was I remember him putting a computer in my bedroom and he was kind of setting it up.

I'd had it for a little while and he said to me, so James, this is the history button for the internet. I'm like, oh, okay. He goes, do you want me to delete it for you? Just out of the blue, sort of showing me how to work it. Yeah. Yeah. Wondering like,

I'm just going to save the embarrassment in case you've, he's kind of like, he's like Eugene Levy from American pie. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a cool sex positive dad. Yeah. Kind of.

You would expect to find that on a farm. Yeah. Well said. Sure. Sure. There'd be milfs. There'd be plenty of stuff from american pie on our farm you know you're the shermanator

um yeah i just like we we only had one like we had a computer like there was no did you have a computer room yeah like we had an office that had the computer in it. And like, I don't know. It just wasn't, there was no fun to be had on it. Like I go, I guess I go on a message board. I would go all day long. Like, I don't know. It's like you say, like, what did we, like, everything took forever.

Yeah. And like, I didn't, none of my friends did it. Like, there was no like gaming. Did you do ICQ? Yeah, ICQ was a little later. Yeah. Maybe I was 20 when that came along. Yeah, I feel like, like all there was, was you could, you could find a message board that was about something you were interested in.

Like, whatever. Guitar tabs. Like. Whatever. Guitar tabs. Yeah. Yeah. Guitar tabs. I did it. I posted in the Weezer message board. Oh, sure.

What did you post? Pro or? I'll. Stir it up. You guys are losers. You know, the Green Album's not that bad, right? Like, that kind of stuff. But then the only thing you could do is just, like, log back in later

and see if somebody had responded to it. Yeah. Not necessarily harshly, usually. People always have such a weird, intense, argumentative tone in those things. Yeah. Well, and what, was the Green Album, was that, like, hotly contested in Weezer circles? I think to this day.

Oh, really? Because what was it, Blue and then Green? No, Blue? Well. I think to this day. Oh, really? Because what was it? Blue and then green? No, blue and then Pinkerton. Oh, okay. And then a long gap of time and then green. Oh, okay. And then a gradual decline.

Yeah. Or sudden, depending on how you felt about the green album. And what, like. Because you're a fan of Weezer. Those first two. Yeah, yeah, those first two. And you were a fan of Weezer. Those first two. Yeah, yeah, those first two. And you were a fan of the... I love the first two.

And there was, like, I guess I connected with them at a certain time. I can't let the band go, sort of, even though so much of what they've done since is so bad. I know. But they'll have, like, one or two good ones on an album that will kind of keep you hooked a little bit. Like, well, maybe they'll turn it around. Their latest one is so bad oh boy download the song weezer beach boys it's brutal there yeah the

some there's maybe there's a couple good ones every album there's a couple horrible ones every album too he's got into like r&B in a weird way. Oh boy. It's really weird. And everyone, like, I think when I really liked them, it felt like everyone in the band was contributing. Yes.

And now it feels like they're all kind of, well, free riders. Yeah. But, that, isn't that what, they should call their next album Turd Immunity.

But like with, I don't know, like there's no band, except people who are like fans of steely dan who are like everything they do is great well i don't know like radiohead people are still oh yeah my age are still you know my favorite radiohead album is the one that came out when i was 30 or whatever yeah yeah and radiohead, I just couldn't, I like, I have nothing against them,

but when I was, whenever they became popular, I was like, I am not, I don't get, I don't, I tried, you know,

good music videos. Yeah. Yeah. Can't be beat. But, and then if you say it to the wrong person, they'll really, they'll really unload on you all

their radio head feelings uh radio head fan yeah well i don't know when i was like 18 i guess i liked the ben's an okay computer right um and i liked in rainbows i think but i i haven't kept up with them that i tried to listen to um i forget one of their more recent ones and I didn't like it at all. Yeah, fair enough. I was never like an ardent, hardcore Radiohead person. I wasn't a fan of any band enough to go on a message board.

That's where you and I differ. What message boards were you used to? There was the Weezer one, there was the Pavement one. What else? I mean, I don't think enough people liked better than but i sure did yeah i remember uh i remember going on an annie defranco message board wow yeah because to meet chicks yeah a girl that i really liked, really liked Andy DeFranco.

So I was like, all right, time to learn. And it wasn't like I couldn't go to the library like, give me all the books on Andy DeFranco. I got to learn this by Friday. I got a date. Yeah, yeah. I'm cramming to impress a girl. Did you know that she wears like press on, Lee press on nails, but like electric, um, electric tapes them on there. Oh, really?

Electrical tape? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's how she finger picks. That's one of my Ani DiFranco facts. That would have been, that would have been killer back in the day. Did you ever drop the nuggets to this lady? Like, well, that reminds you of that Ani DiFranco song.

My thing that I was most worried about You know Similar to Wikipedia today Is that I'm like I don't know if any of this checks out Oh yeah This is just from some message board But yeah I like Learned

You know That she also had books And like Yeah So I went to a bookstore And read it in the bookstore Because it was poetry Oh

And I'm like How did it compare to Jules' book of poetry? Much thinner And I'm like. How did it compare to Jewel's book of poetry? Much thinner, if I recall. Oh, really? I think Jewel used like, you know, like it would be four lines on a page, but then she wouldn't like squeeze another poem on that page. Oh. It would just be that would be the whole page.

Wow. Do you remember any of the poetry of either of them? No. You know, it's about feelings. Why not just put music to the poetry, Jewel? You are a musician. I mean, that's a song. It's the best-selling poetry book of all time?

Yeah. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Really? I don't think anything's eclipsed it. Oh, my God. Wow. And that's got to be...

Suck it, Howell. But yeah, I think if Taylor Swift put out a book of poetry, it would become the best-selling book of poetry of all time yeah i mean uh why doesn't she i guess she's too jewel jewel had a bit of like she she had a bit of like a pretense to her yeah yeah because she lived in a van what are your jewel facts? Oh, she refused to fix her teeth. Okay, yeah. She was sort of wrongly associated with the 1996 Atlanta bombing. What? Really? That was Richard Jewell.

Yeah, what was the... I believe you're being serious for a minute. I never knew. So you're cooking something for the book launch tonight? Yeah, did you ever do anything like that? Trying to impress a crush? I'm sure I did. Oh, God. I think I mostly just would try to be...

Try too much to sort of be charming and funny in a way I'm sure was awful. Yeah. You know, just like, I don't know, trying to impress upon someone, you know, how amusing I am. And I'm sure it was just too much. Right. I don't know that I ever actually like learned.

Like did research? I don't think so. Oh yeah. No, I crammed for a crush. I was never good at studying anyway. Right. I could never, I never learned things by reading usually. Yeah, I feel like.

I feel like I did this on more than one occasion where I had a crush on somebody. I was like, I've got to go to their world. Oh, yeah. I've got to learn their things. Get inside their head. was like I've got to go to their world oh yeah I've got to I've got to learn their things get inside their head yeah

I've got to profile them I remember even being like oh this girl's really into like anime well she can have it I don't like it yeah see that would have been the exact type of thing

I would have went to a message board and been like okay what do you got for me? Who are the different sailors? Moon, Mercury, Jupiter? What are their colors? Yeah. Yeah, what is this, hentai?

Okay. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, speaking of the 90s uh now that's what i call music yeah oh yeah um i uh like there's so much tv that i'm not caught up on oh boy and there's things that like are saved on my dvr or like on my list in Netflix. And yesterday I had some time to actually watch some stuff. And so I, but I think I chose the wrong thing. Oh no. What could I really power through?

And it was for some reason I had recorded the entire series run of this law and order Menendez trial. Because for some reason we have this 90s nostalgia about true crime. Yeah, is it Edie Falco? Edie Falco. Wearing a big poofy wig. Uh-huh. Well, maybe.

Yeah, maybe it's a hairdo. Who else is in it? Frank Sabatka from The Wire. Oh, okay. He plays Edie Falco hairdo. Who else is in it? Frank Sabatka from The Wire. Oh, okay. He plays Edie Falco's wife. He has about eight lines. Okay. Anthony Edwards is the judge.

Okay. Wow, haven't seen him in a while. Embracing his baldness in this role. Oh, yeah. He was always kind of like whispering over. Yeah. Yeah. Who else is in this?

There's a lot Josh Charles Is that the guy's name Oh yeah And Heather Graham Heather Graham's in it She plays this loose cannon lady What do you remember about the Menendez Thing

They were rich good looking okay well in my opinion uh they kind they uh what did they do they murdered their dad or what did they do for a living no what tell me oh everything that i remember. They murdered their dad. They were, it was a rich family and everybody, it like was so sensational because maybe he was like a high profile rich guy. And maybe in reality bites, Ben Stiller or there's like. Oh, they both look like Ben Stiller. They are. It's very kind of like 90210 era. Oh, no, it was the cable guy.

And the trial that was going on on TV was Ben Stiller and Ben Stiller were the brothers. Because here's what I remember about it. It was... Because it actually happened in the 80s. Like the murder happened in 1989. Wow. it it was because it it actually happened in the 80s like the murder happened in 1989 wow but it was so drawn out that i think it went into 1993 whoa and i just remember like being

12 and it was on when they had like hard copy and inside edition and A Current Affair A Current Affair well hard copy was ba-bum oh sorry A Current Affair was whoo-ing oh yeah A Current Affair was a purple triangle

I feel like there was maybe some kind of prism yeah it's probably an Illuminati symbol yeah probably

sure and I remember they like David Letterman made fun of their names. Like it was just like a thing you would throw out. Like Galooly.

Oh yeah. Is Galooly from the Menendez thing? No, Galooly is from the Tonya Harding. Oh right. He was the guy who hit. He was Tonya Harding's ex-husband who hired the guy to hit Nancy Kerrigan. Wasn't the guy who, didn't he have also a funny name? I feel like the guy who hit her.

No, it wasn't as funny as Galooly. As Galooly. Yeah, Galooly. Still funny. And the other thing I remember is they wore sweaters. They wore like pastel colored sweaters to kind of, everyone said it was kind of to make them seem non-threatening. Right.

But in a way, more threatening than anything, right? Like two guys wearing Easter colors to a court trial. They murdered their own murder trial. Did, I mean, did it, was it determined if they murdered their dad? Oh, they did. Oh, they did. And they murdered both their parents. Oh.

Oh. And was it more just about why? Yeah, it was about were dad? Oh, they did. Oh, they did. And they murdered both their parents. Oh. Oh. And was it more just about why? Yeah, it was about were they abused or were they not. Right. And if they were, then they were, if what they say is true, then they were badly abused. Right. And if not. But I guess it all just comes down to what you believe.

Right. Well, I believe killing your parents is wrong. So. Now someone's trying to score some points. Right. Well, I believe killing your parents is wrong. So... Now someone's trying to score some points with his parents. But I have season three of Fargo that I didn't watch because I wanted to watch this. I have a ton of... You know what feels good is giving up on a show.

Yeah, where you're like, nah, I'm not going to. Have you guys like watched the new Twin Peaks? No. No, I never watched the old one either. Because I had seen season one and then Evany and I were like, we hadn't seen season two. Who? Evany. Oh, who's that?

She's my girlfriend. But if you've seen the show, season one one's great and then season two kind of sucks and it's like we have to force our like it was like work watching this freaking season to get to the new one and then they're like oh and you have to watch fire walk with me the movie i'm like god damn it so i watched that and i hated it it's like the green album of yeah i've watched like so much Twin Peaks I don't even like just to get to this new season. I don't even know if I'm going to like this. You probably

won't from what I understand. Yeah, there's a similar conversation that I had with somebody about the Blade Runner sequel. I was like, well, am I going to see it? Because I've never seen Blade Runner. Do I have to see Blade Runner? And then there was like, they made these shorts that fill in the gap between Blade Runner.

Oh, short films or just like spandex? They made these cool Blade Runner shorts. And they enhance the viewing experience. Yeah, they're always wet. It's always raining in my shorts. But it just is like, you know you know all together i guess that would be like six hours of you know so that's like like homework yeah i'm gonna go do like a day's work to just watch a movie that i'm kind of like it's it's not like you're trying to impress this new

movie by doing all the research yeah it. Maybe if I met somebody who really liked Blade Runner. The original, from what I thought, it was pretty boring, honestly. I really like sci-fi, but I was like, I don't even... It's an unpopular opinion, but I think it's just moody

and who cares about the plot? Yeah. There's so much stuff from it that has been used in like, it's become so iconic because of all the rain and all the like visuals of, you know, the, the, um,

like video billboards and things like that. And I mean, when that came out, it must've been like, there wasn't, that wasn't in every single futuristic movie. So it must've been like, that wasn't in every single futuristic movie. So it must have been like, whoa, this is a vision of the future we've never seen before. Yeah.

But yeah. And Daryl Hannah wears that makeup and then she tries to redesign Blade Runner's apartment. It's like the funniest thing in Wall Street. When she unveils the apartment to him, I defy you to not just start cracking up. Because it's so crazy. Because it's such a nice loft when it starts. And she makes it look so cheap and shitty. Oh, boy.

Well, greed is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't he actually say greed, for lack of a better word, is good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't he actually say greed, for lack of a better word, is good? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like it's one of those quotes that people are like, well, let's take out the... And that speech doesn't work. Like it doesn't get them off the hook. Like people aren't like, oh, yeah, greed is good.

All right, let's let them go. Anyway, so I watched this Menendez show. Yeah. It's not bad. The weird thing is it is, because there was that OJ one last year. Yeah. Or two years ago. I don't know.

And so I thought this was going to be kind of like that, but it's a Law and Order. But it has none of the people from Law and Order in it. It just has occasionally it'll go, bum, bum. That's one of the main characters. That's the fifth law and order. It's that sound effect.

Um, yeah. I assumed when that OJ show did well that there was just going to be like an onslaught.

Well, they're doing a Tonya Harding movie. Really? With Margot Robbie as Tonya Harding. Yeah. Oh,

I guess that was an outrageous crime. Yeah. Like guess that was an outrageous crime. Yeah. And it was. It was. It was really bonkers. It was super fun. Be like if the backup point guard for the Golden State

hired someone to kill Steph Curry or something. Or just hit his knee. Yeah. That's the kind of the fun thing is like nobody died the person, the victim ended up winning a medal. Yeah. Posting Saturday Night Live after.

Yeah. And she's an iconic host. She's come back six or seven times. Yeah, it's her, Steve Martin and yeah. What if Nancy Kerrigan turned out to be Just so funny Like a comedy genius Yeah

She comes on She's just nailing all these impressions But They wanted to hire someone to kill her They couldn't afford that So they hired a guy to hit her knee Yeah And

But it didn't do a good enough job Yeah yeah Like it just hurt her knee for once Oh shoot Like It didn't break her leg Right do a good enough job. Yeah, yeah. Like, I hit her butt. Oh, shoot. Like, it didn't break her leg. Right.

he really should have just hung around and hit it a few times. this is, this is the devil's advocate or whatever. But like, hindsight 2020. Wasn't,

who's, it was Tanya Harding whose lace broke. Yeah. Yeah. And then she, like during her Olympic. And then she went up to the judges and said, can I start again? And cried.

Yeah. And did they let her? Yeah, I think they let her start again, but she just did badly. Yeah. Still did badly. Yeah. And that was the other thing. Like, it wasn't like she was so, like like it wasn't like they were neck and neck the

two of them i don't forget so this was before the attack was the crying this was after oh she still was able she went to the olympics still yeah because there were two u.s spots yeah but they didn't know it was her who had attacked nancy oh they knew yeah yeah she still went to the olympics i think i don't know if it had been. I don't know if she had been like formally charged. Wow. Awkward. Yeah, that would have been an awkward

but like walking into the stadium and be like, hey, I know that was you. Yeah. Bygones. But they both lost to Oksana Bayul. Oh, I remember her. Yeah. By guns. But they both lost to Oksana Bayul. Oh, I remember her. Yeah.

Big teeth. I don't remember. Did she host Saturday Night Live? No. She's Ukrainian, so I'm on her team. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough.

Go Bayul. What's up with you? I I went over to Victoria to play at the hecklers comedy club the best name in a for a comedy club the best thing there is it encourages the best part of comedy and uh this is something that i i've never managed to do before is uh because you have to take a ferry over there yeah i mean you could fly it was very expensive so you take a ferry over there. Yeah. I mean, you could fly. It was very expensive. So you take the ferry over to the.

I fly. Dave always flies. He's always running to the gate at the last minute. Oh, they hold it for me. I've like always kind of like wanted to be able to fall asleep on the ferry. Oh. Because I can fall asleep on a plane. No problem.

But a ferry is a little bit there's more craziness going on on a ferry uh and i did it i nailed it i i fell asleep on the ferry on the way over and on the way back whoa so i i really just in a in a seat just in a seat yeah i like found a seat that was next to a wall so I could like lean on it. And I like put in earbuds and I, I nailed it. And then I woke up like we were, we were at our destination.

Were you by yourself? Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, I'd be afraid that I wouldn't wake up and I'd end up going back. They're like very staff is pretty militant.

They like really will like come over and be like, get out. Like, if you're still hanging around the cafeteria, which is where the cool kids hang out on the ferry. But, yeah, I did it. I cracked the code. How long a ride is it? 90 minutes. Yeah. It's a good snooze.

That's a good snooze. And there's also, like, bus rides on either side of it. So it's like a really, it's like a altogether. It's like a four hour journey. I thought it was a lot closer. I have a friend out there I was going to visit and I thought I could just sort of swing over, but it's like a, it's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. One time I went over, uh, my folks were over there and I went over in the morning and I came back on the last ferry.

Exhausting. Oh boy. That was insane. And that was before I'd figured out how to sleep on the ferry. You think you figured it out forever? Wow, I don't know. I mean, I did it twice. You know, third time's a charm.

That doesn't apply here. If the first two were charms as well. Yeah, that's true. But also, it's not the third time. You've gone over dozens of times.

Dozens and dozens of times. I figured it. The third dozen is a charm. That's right. And so that was, that was great. And then

when you get over on the other side, they, the bus you take is a double decker. So rode up high on the double decker bus. Yeah, I guess it was kind of fun. You bring it up like. Oh yeah, oh you don't have to think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it was sort of fun.

But it's not, I don't know, like, I don't know that it does any, I guess it holds more customers. Yeah. But it holds them in like the weirdest way possible. Yeah. Why didn't you just make it longer? Yeah. Yeah. Like our buses in Vancouver are just longer buses.

But yeah, going higher. We have the shortest, highest buses in Canada. I guess they do. Where else has a double highest buses in Canada. I guess they do. Where else has a double-decker bus? I don't know. I guess here we have so many trolley lines that you couldn't do it. Yeah. Yeah.

So that was fun. And then the other thing is the place I live in has got some mice have come in from out of the cold. Uh-oh. So this is an update on a few weeks. Yeah, this is an update. The other day I was vacuuming. Uh-oh. God damn it.

No, this one mouse was like, so I was vacuuming under one of the heaters, and this mouse was like, holy shit, man, it just took off. And so I chased, I gave chase to the mouse and I cornered him in the closet and then he just disappeared. I was like, what the hell? How the hell? Well, yeah.

And? Did you discover where he went? I did. Yeah, he went around behind a shoebox and I moved the shoebox and then he wasn't there and I was like, he's in the shoebox. Oh, man. Yeah, and I moved the shoebox. And then he wasn't there. And I was like, he's in the shoebox. Oh, man. Yeah.

So I grabbed the shoebox. You made a little diorama. He's a little Abraham Lincoln now. Yeah, exactly. He's permanently got a little. I glued a stovepipe hat to his head. A little beard. But, yeah, I caught him, I caught, I caught him.

I caught him. I took him outside, released. That's one way of doing it. Yeah. Um, but, uh, there's, there's still others hanging out. I hate, I hate it. The, like the idea of mice running around. It freaks me. Like I had my, in my last place, we had mice once in a while.

It drives me. It's really creepy. Yeah. It is creepy except like when you actually see them. They're cute. So cute. I know. It's true.

But it's the idea of like, if they're there and you don't want them there and then you, every little kind of movement you see out of the corner of your eye is a mouse, even if it's not. Yeah. Every little bit of fluff on the ground is a turd, even if it's not. Yeah. And also like, you're just hearing, you're hearing mouse sounds like when you're just lying in bed, you're like, but they're not. Yeah.

Imagine it. Well, we had a exterminator once who was like, if you can hear them, they're rats. If you can hear them in the walls they're rats i remember too like lying to myself sort of like watching tv and seeing a little thing move out of the corner of my eye and choosing not to not to clock it because i knew that meant there was a mouse that i had to deal with yeah and so you're like i'll just ignore myself and yeah i probably didn't see that That's one way of dealing with it. Yeah.

And, yeah, so I caught one, and then I nearly caught another. I chased it, and it wiped out in the kitchen. Like, woo, it slid into the wall. Oh, this makes me so uncomfortable. I but then i want to stand on my chair yeah it was uh what were you chasing it with a bucket because i think it came out uh because there was no noise being made and came out like okay oh, oh shit! Freaked out and ran the other way. But yeah, I feel like I'm really,

I'm cornering it. So when you leave it, you let it outside. You let it outside on your own property? No, I went over to the house that's being built across the way and that has been waking me up every morning for weeks and weeks and let it go there.

Oh, okay. Go populate this house. and that has been waking me up every morning for weeks and weeks and let it go there. Okay. Yeah, go populate this house. But yeah, like, I don't know. I'm plugging up holes. I'm doing all the things. What do you plug with? Steel wool.

That's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. A little steel wool. I got a couple of catch and release traps. But, you know, it's mostly it's gonna come down to me having to catch it live as it's happening because it's not going for those traps yeah well because you're uh you're you're not you don't have the i don't have the killer instinct yeah i can't do it the catch and release ones i find didn't work. I had to use a killing one. Yeah.

It was a bummer. I felt bad, but, you know, what are you going to do? Yeah, there's plenty more mice. You didn't kill the mouse that was going to cure cancer. But, yeah, it was, so, you know, the hunt is still very much on. And actually, they could do a lot better, like, if they were working in a lab. First of all, they might invent the Monster Mash. Second of all, they could be doing some good research for us.

Tiny little microscopes. Mouse microscopes? Yeah, mouse microscopes. Do we want to move on to some overheards? That's the stuff. All right.

Hey everyone, Freddie Wong, Matt Arnold, and Will Campos here to tell you about Story Break, a writer's room podcast where

every week we, the Hollywood geniuses behind video game high school have one hour to turn a humble idea into an awesome movie.

Thrill as we weave the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story. We're going to double down on everything that as we weave the tragic tale of Jar Jar, a Star Wars story. We're going to double down on everything that made the prequels great. Jar Jar, trade federations, politics. Gasp as we assemble a pantheon of

heroes for the Kellogg's cinematic universe. We could get rid of Snap, Crackle, Pop. I wouldn't even miss them. You're crazy. They'd die in the second act. Oh, come on. And join us as we make fun of Matt as he struggles to name a single Beyonce song. Well, yeah, put a finger on it. Sure, she wants to be Beyoncé. Put a finger on it. Beyoncé is the famous song. Will we break the story?

Or will the story break us? Find out by joining us in the Writer's Room every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Are you sad and confused about world politics? Worried about the upcoming inevitable nuclear war? Or maybe a rat is living in your house. There's a rat living in my house. How do you get rid of a rat from a house? Why not immerse yourself in a completely fictional imagined podcast for the beef and dairy industries? It works for me. The Beef and Dairy Network podcast is the number one podcast for those

involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds. Don't worry, it's funnier than it sounds. Find us at beefanddairynetwork.com or maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts from. Oh god, there's the rat. Oh god. Overheard. Overheard's a segment where, you know, maybe you're out

there in the wild, out there in the wild, and you hear something in the wild and then you come back in, you know, maybe you're out there in the wild, out there in the wild. And you hear something in the wild and then you come back in, you know, in the civilized world and you share it. Okay. And we always like to start with the guest. James, if you would. All right. Well, yesterday on my flight to Vancouver.

Oh, you flew here? Yeah. Yeah. Did you make that flight? Yes. Barely. And I sat next to a guy who was sort of like maybe a 50-ish year old bald white guy with a mustache. I hate that they let them on the same flight as us.

And I had a couple of things I overheard from him, if that's okay. Yeah, yeah. He was really chatty. And when we got on the plane, he was looking at his phone at what appeared to be like an email sort of saying, you're on WestJet, flight, whatever. And to sort of nobody, while he's sitting there looking at his phone he goes oh i'm a west jetter oh cool i don't know why yeah and uh although oh wait no the their other ad campaign is that you're if you work there you're a west jet owner you're an owner right but i guess i have anyone who flies it as a west jetter he's a westetter. And then there was a nice seeming woman next to him.

Seeming. Well, I don't know her. And she was writing in like a birthday card or something like that. And he sort of looks over to her and goes, nice to see people writing again. And he goes, my daughter's 27. Never learned to write in school. And then the woman goes, oh, really? I'm 28 and we learned to do that.

And he's like, nope. You got there just under the wire. Yeah, exactly. Did he mean handwriting? He meant handwriting, I think. Still though. Yeah. There's no way. But like, I think. Still, though. Yeah. There's no way.

But, like, we learned cursive. Yeah. I still use a hybrid. I don't. Yeah. My parents have beautiful penmanship, but I'm like, you know. There's no way in life. No one needs that cue.

Yeah. No. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Or the, was it the Zed or something? The cursive Zed? Forget it. Yeah. Let's do a little, yeah. Lower, gosh. Oh, yeah. Or was it the Zed or something? The Christmas Zed? Forget it.

Yeah. Let's do a little, yeah. Lowercase b, I remember b. It was kind of like an up and down and a swoop. Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn't quite close the loop? No.

Yeah. It's my dad's signature, you know, on checks and stuff. Or autographs, I guess. It's gorgeous. Like it's, because you would have. Oh, anytime my parents sent me to school with like a note, I felt like this is the parchment. What is this beautiful.

Somebody showed a video just with a countdown clock of how long it takes Donald Trump to do his signature. Oh, yeah. Ten seconds. Wow. That's a long time to do a signature. Especially for someone who's like, even as a real estate person, there's so many documents to sign. And his signature just looks like somebody, like a seismograph. Yeah.

Is he counting how many up and downs he has in that? Because I, I do a big D and the rest is sort of a freestyle. Big D, big S, a lot of swiggles in the middle. I, like, if anyone ever asked for an autograph, which is very very rare like now everyone if we do a show people take a picture with you yeah but i would i signed it dave so it was different than my uh like my legal isn't that crazy like that was back like back in the day that was the only like they have to hold them yeah up and go like yeah i guess this is or like yeah i know i think my sisters occasionally would have to go buy something with my dad's credit card and they would get a note from him and now it's just like here's my

code yeah or even tap tap you don't even need it they get a note from him yeah it would be like uh because the you know you would put it in the ka-chunk, ka-chunk machine, and they'd be like, your name isn't Donald. Oh, but a note is fine? Well, if the signatures match. Huh. Yeah, it's like, it seems now like a crazy small town. I'm not sure I signed my credit card.

No, I for sure have not signed my credit card. And I know once in a while somebody will go, you didn't sign this. And I go, so what? Like what era is it? What course does it make? Yeah. Here, I'll sign it. Sylvester's still on.

Were you the last person on your airplane? Yeah. Was it, did you have that sort of feeling of like, sorry, everyone. Yeah. And the guy next to me made a big show of it. Like you need the air on and all that stuff. He's a showy guy. Yeah.

It was, um, it was embarrassing. And I was, I, I was really exhausted. Like I thought I might barf when I got on the plane. So it was not cool. I was thinking too, as I, my image of myself, as I was running through the airport, I imagine it kind of looking cool. Right. I bet if you the airport, I imagine it kind of looking cool. Right. But I bet if you saw me

it wasn't. But, you know what would be great is if somebody was the last person on and they made a big deal, like,

made it funny, like, hi everybody! We can go now. Yeah, I think people would be like, yay! Like,

at least we get like a little show out of it, you know? Or, the thing I would do would get me kicked off the plane, like, I almost forgot my bomb! Oh, everyone! And then you hold that lip bomb. Dave, overheard?

Let's talk about it. Mine is, I was going to a hockey game a couple of weeks ago and I was in the, the, the mad rush of people walking from, uh, the SkyTrain station. Uh, and, uh, I heard this woman say, he ate my share of oysters and I drank his share of champagne. So by the end of the night, he was full of oysters and I was full of champagne. So say no more. Like there became horny or something? I guess. Yeah.

You know what it's like. Yeah. Our stomachs were pretty gushy, both of us. A lot of things gushing around. Yeah. Gross. Yeah, do say no more. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't want to know about your weird, uh, shellfish sex. So he, all these oysters bouncing around in her stomach. But yeah,

I guess, uh, yeah. Say no more. Yeah. Fair. Please. Yeah.

Uh, is that oyster thing is that like rhino horn is that just like it's uh i don't know i'm horny all the time i've never i've never noticed any never needed it i'm not i don't mean to brag as it's never not on my mind. It's a curse, really. I'm not like some stallion who's talking about this. It's, I have to bear this.

Terrible burden. Constant terror of, why can't I stop thinking about this act? It's weird. Yeah, I don't know. I've never, because like when I was a kid, there was the urban legend of something called Spanish Fly. Yeah. And I never have tried any of these. But like, isn't Spanish Fly kind of just roofies?

Like, isn't it a sinister thing? Like the Total Oak song or whatever? Oh, sure. What is that? Funky Col Medina, or is that it? I feel like I'm pronouncing it wrong. Yeah, wasn't that also like, isn't that an aphrodisiac or something? Oh, I thought Spanish fly was like the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.

But maybe, yeah, maybe it is just slang. So you thought the worm made you horny? Like Dave said, when I was a teenager, I didn't have any problems. But also, isn't all this stuff just to make the woman horny? Like, I think if you're a horny guy, you go out and get this stuff to trap women? No, but like, I think rhino horn is supposed to make you like. Viral? Yeah, it's supposed to make you like, you know, diamond heart.

Like a rhino. You know that it's just, the rhino horn is just the same as fingernails. Like that's, it's just like that material. So if you chew your fingernails, you're going to. And believe me, it's been working. On my gherkin. What do you do with the rhino horn? You mix it into a smoothie? Is it powdered?

Yeah, I think it's powdered. You smoke it? You inject it? It's worth, like, watch the whole, like, National Geographic documentary. You want to say that again? National Geographic. I got too excited. National Geographic.

A documentary about it. And it's, like, worth more. Like, having rhino horn to sell is worth more than, like, diamonds or gold. Really? Yeah. Like, a small horn is worth, you know, like, a million dollars. What? Yeah, yeah. Like, it's yeah like a small horn is worth you know like a million dollars yeah yeah like it's some it's obscene like

what people I've been told I have a small horn Dave might be worth money what's your overheard honey my overheard is that I was walking down Main Street and I was around like there were other people kind of in the immediate vicinity.

And this car pulled up that was just barely holding it together. Like, you know, just like kind of coat hangers holding doors in place. And this lady leaned, like, rolled down the window and leaned out the window and very earnestly like made eye contact with me and said hey do you know a radio station and everybody around me was like what kind of question like what i didn't know how to answer. Like, do you know a radio station? Yeah, I know a bunch. Yeah, yeah. Not personally, but.

Do you want me to give you the call letters or what do you want out of this interaction? Is your radio, you want to know if your radio is working? And I have to tell you like 95.3. So I didn't know what to say and they drove off, but then everybody around me was like, it's called a tuner lady. Everybody was so confused. And she just wanted any station?

It could be whatever kind of music. Do I know a radio station? You look like you do. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Maybe she was part of a band and they were just oh yeah yeah we're new in town do you know a radio yeah we want to go uh airheads it yeah it's weird it's not it's not a question in modern maybe it's not even a question in

past years that you would ask somebody although i feel like you know like when someone bought a computer in 1996, they needed a lot of help. Like, what do I do with it? Yeah. I think if someone bought a radio in 1930, they'd be like, now what? How do I make Annie, little orphan Annie come out? Yeah. And there were like three radio stations probably or, you know, less.

Yeah. So then it would make sense but there was like a clip going around of a guy who's the bbc he was going around to teenagers and giving them just a like a simple radio and saying like here you know what do you think this is how do you turn this on and they just they had no like even if they managed to turn it on they didn't know to turn the dial yeah oh my god they just thought it was the funniest thing too. And my daughter never learned cursive. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's 27. Oh, they tried to teach her to her. She's just an idiot. She's not a West Jitter. Now we also have overheards sent in to us from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Abby's Aunt Sheila.

This is an overheard my seven-year-old son say to his older brother, which garbage should I put this in? Boogers are organic, right? Yeah, that's true. And it's good that they've got an organic recycling system over here. Well, we have one here. We do, but some places don't. They're just like, ah,

still old-timey garbage. I mean, some places they don't even recycle. Yeah, that's weird. I mean, when I went to Vegas 10 years ago, there was nowhere to recycle anything. They're just like, put it in the trash. Maybe there is now. I haven't been back. No, I i haven't been i was banned by all the casinos for having a system so in vegas you just put your boogers in the garbage you put them all on red

vegas do you ever have you ever been yeah i went when I was a kid, weirdly, on like a trip. Yeah, same here. Yeah, I don't know what the experience would be like as an adult. It's very adult. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I feel like it's mostly, you know, I don't know, bachelor parties, bachelor parties. Yeah. And then there's like pond stars if you want to go outside of the strip. I would like to go to that. They now have like a lineup out the door.

Oh, God. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Maybe they did. It's funny how they'd always have like a blatantly scripted game in every episode. Like, all right, I'll make you a deal, old man. You wash your car,

and I'll do some punishment at the end. Like as though that's just, that happened. They do that all the time. They wouldn't get any work done. Yeah. The old man's washing his car. Yeah. And they always just had an expert on call.

Like, oh, you know what? I'll take this to my sword guy. Yeah. Tell you what. Yeah. Yeah.

There was one guy. Oh man. I was watching an episode in the hotel room and he was there. Oh boy. I feel like most of this show is watched in a hotel room. he was there. Oh boy. I feel like most of this show is watched in a hotel room. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's on channel one in a hotel,

but the, the expert that they had came in and he wasn't an Amish guy, but he was wearing one of those Amish hats. Oh, I was, he a bit older and had like a long i know exactly that guy he was on a lot is he yeah he's like a historian or something yeah but what that's not a hat that's not a hat for all that's that is a hat oh it's like if if someone was wearing one of those asian yeah

conical hat yeah it's like I can wear this right no no you're appropriating yeah it was very but he also has a beard and I'm like is this guy an Amish guy

and then why like how did how did Pawn Stars find him anyways this next I mean I guess you can find

Amish people easily you just in Nevada yeah probably not. Wait, Nevada? They care. I don't. This next one comes from Peter in Victoria.

Hi. It was Saturday morning in the summer, and I was making a blood donation. Congratulations, Peter. One of the nurses was chatting with a donor in another chair. She asked him what he was planning for the rest of the weekend. I'm repairing some woodpecker damage to my house, he said.

She perked up when she heard this. It sounded like an interesting story. What did the woodpeckers do to your house, she asked. He replied, they pecked that. Yeah. What the fuck do you think lady yeah and they spray-painted uh woody rules check out this pecker it was a wiener what um uh uh your blood types

oh i have no idea universal donor whatever that whatever that is. O negative? Yeah, O negative. And O positive is universal receiver. Oh, really? I think so, yeah. And B negative, which is my... Isn't that like a... It's rare. Yeah, that's a rare one. Do you have to do the thing?

Because I knew somebody that was AB and had to like, every six months, had to like put blood in a thing, in a container somewhere, in case they were ever in a no so that's like mega rare a gas a b or b a i'm not convinced they got mine right well i guess we'll find out you don't even know yours no i guess i should huh i guess i think i i mean i feel like it's b i don't know why i feel like i heard that once but i don't know it was positive or negative no idea it's funny though because you know most times that they're gonna have to like give you blood you're probably not gonna be able to answer yeah the good point you

know what blood type you are although how do they find out they check records or something i don't know man no i don't know either because if they need it in a hurry they must be able to run a quick test to be like oh this guy's already b negative give him a bit i gotta have or o negative yeah like i get wait he's universal donor anyone can receive anybody can receive only yeah and if you're o positive, if I'm not mistaken, you can receive any type of blood. That's like a mutant superpower, being able to absorb the other types of blood. It's sort of weird that we have different types of blood. Yeah.

What the hell is going on? And there's like seven of them. Yeah. Yeah, it is weird. Yeah. Like, shouldn't we all have the same blood? Yeah. It sort of makes me think that there's... Tears of humans.

Yeah, different superiorities. Yeah. I mean, we are so different. Yeah. Like, this thing that should be so similar would kill you. Yeah. I'm guessing it would kill you. Like, if you gave me too much of the wrong blood, first of all, check the register.

Yeah, what's going on at this hospital? I don't know, just keep giving him blood. He seems to be puffing up a lot. Do we put in... You know what? This is very salty blood. Yeah, and they measure it with the same kind of thing you do your tire pressure with. Like, whoa, too much blood in there some out let's some out of his anus

uh uh this last one comes from uh greg d in portage la prairie, Manitoba. Not Portage La Prairie, Mexico. I was having supper with my girlfriend and her three-year-old son. We were telling him our middle names when he says, no, mom, that's not your name. You're Dick Machine. Oh, wow. Yeah, pretty good machine oh boy careful what you say in front of a three-year-old yeah yeah yeah so not to be but the the wife was the dick yeah wife was interesting she's just a girlfriend yeah oh sorry oh yeah yeah but you know, could it? Well, I hope so. Yeah, I mean. Dick Machine finally settles down.

Do you take Dick Machine? Do you promise to maintain Dick Machine? In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, it's no problem. We accept that. And we accept you and your ability to call us, it's no problem. We accept that. And we accept you and your ability to call us, which is through this phone number, 1-844-779-7631, or 1-UGH-SPYPOD1, like these people have.

Hey, Dave. Hey, Graham. This is AJ calling in with an overseeing from Gastonia, North Carolina. There's a self-storage place near my apartment that I drive by every day. And on their sign, they have a giant logo of a stick figure, not unlike what you might find on the door of a public men's restroom, for example. And they also have rearrangeable letters. And normally it says something useful like buy three months of storage,

get the fourth one free. But today when I drove by, it simply read the

2017 Nobel Prize for Storage goes to Stickman. Congratulations. Pretty fun. Yeah. And you

know, there's not a lot of change in storage, so it's going gonna be hard to come up with things to advertise like still storing yeah after all these years yeah everything here is dry yeah yeah walkable doors uh no sleeping in here is storage war still on tv i wondered if you were going to go there.

Oh boy, there's no subject I will not touch. I had a big chunk of my life where Pawn Stars and Storage Wars were, you know, a daily occurrence. Who were your favorite Storage Wars characters? Great Q. Barry, obviously. Barry is the one. He's the old guy. He's the wild card into the arts.

He wore the gloves. Yeah, and he he had a deep voice And he would always buy the wacky ones And who was the guy who said yup Hester Dave Hester This is an obscure impression But if you watch Storage Wars

There's a dude on it And he sounds exactly like this Well if it isn't Dave Hester and trust me the people out there who know Storage Wars will know what I'm talking about I know Storage Wars

and I don't know this Dave Hester Hester thinks he's gonna come in here and do that to me who were the oh and he was one of the main guys

he hated Hester oh yeah they all hated Hester remember Hester would go yep yep and he would wait until people stopped bidding and then he would drive it up. Oh, yeah.

Who was the couple? The couple. Jared and Brandy. Oh, Brandy. Oh, pretty. No, I don't think she was, but I think she was. I think she was pretty. She was pretty, yeah, but I didn't have a crush.

And Jared, but it was kind of like Brandy's, you know, very pretty. And Jared just seemed like a dick. Yeah, he was just a fuck up. Yeah. And he like, he had his own clothing line called like Outlaw Clothing. He'd always wear in the show. Oh, that is cool. That is.

But I'm wearing all tap out today. Didn't the Yup guy start wearing a hat that said Yup on it? Yeah. Yeah. They're all great. They're all great people but that couple yeah she was she was always mad at him yeah and for good reason yeah yeah like she probably wanted her saturdays back well she had she wanted him to bid on this thing and he would he had a good

feeling about this other thing usually it made no difference how many sort of sort of desperate people do you think got into the storage bidding game after that show came on? Plenty. Oh, yeah. Plenty of them. Yeah. I know somebody. It's easy money.

Oh, and who was the other guy? There was the dumb oafish guy and his son. And the son. Yeah, yeah. I think that's the guy I'm doing an impression of. Daryl? Let's hear it again. Hester.

Here comes Dave Hester. It's starting to ring a bell, yeah. But yeah, there was a guy. And was the son an idiot or was the dad an idiot? I think it runs in the family. He had a sunburn. He always had a sunburn. He always had a sunburn.

Why did he always have a sunburn? He was like an overweight James Hetfield. Yeah. Yeah. Why did he always have a side role? He was like an overweight James Hetfield. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it's like when poker became, you know, in primetime,

like a lot of people are like, that's it. I'm making my living playing poker. Yeah. Did you guys ever see Storage Wars Texas? It was really bad. And they had a guy who did his own version of yep. But he'd go right here. He was from New York weirdly.

And he would go right here every time. I feel so bad that I feel like I made it out to seem like Brandy wasn't pretty. She was like, yeah, I don't know where that came from, guys. But like, I guess I secretly maybe I do love Brandy. The fact that it makes that much difference to me that I'm going back. Here's your next phone call. Yep. Hi, Dave and Graham and questionable guests.

What? Wow. This is Katie calling from Minnesota. Katie calling from Minnesota. And a few years ago, when my daughter was in ballet with little kids, it was like three and four and five-year-olds, the door opened up and somebody came out and I overheard the dance instructor saying, don't lick the bar, Lily.

It's gross for the other dancers. It's gross for you, too. Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, you know, it's important to figure out what you're into early, as early as possible. Yeah. I bet you it's pretty salty. That bar, a lot of hands have been on it.

Kids lick all sorts of stuff. That's true. It's how kids discover the world. Throw it in their mouth. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, there's all sorts of, it's, oh, man. It sounded like you were going to say there's a growing movement of people who are licking all sorts of things.

What's the weirdest thing you ever licked? Ooh. Hmm. weirdest thing you ever licked? Ooh. Hmm. Um, I did an improv scene with David Deneen Porter,

who's a comedian who wrote recently on the Late Late Show with James Corden, not to brag. All right. He's a Toronto guy and we did an improv scene

together and I licked his foot in a scene. Just like going with it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a reason to do it. Probably not,

but I did it. Good laughs. And I felt so gross after and I left the comedy bar and i went next door to a corner store and i bought a little thing of mouthwash yeah even just for the germs just to kill it yeah uh yeah i feel like maybe some bullies made me lick uh you know uh the gum that had been on a grant on the ground or something like that. You said, yes, sir. Yeah, I said.

Please, sir, may I have another? I knew my place in the food chain. I remember when I was younger, we had a pair of nail scissors. And there was this weird, like, brownish buildup. Like a Vegemite. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I wonder what that tastes like. This was weeks ago.

Yeah. It seems like it's a premise for some sort of blog. Would you lick it? Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave. Hey, Graham. Hey, guest. This is Aaron calling from Minnesota.

Another sober. Overheard from my workplace. A guy with a cubicle across the aisle from mine answered his phone today and I heard half of his conversation. He answered and said hello and then goes, 76. I think it's pretty close. Well, why don't you Google it? And then he hangs up and says,

how many cups are in a gallon? Well, off I go. 76? Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Anyways, bye. Yeah, 76. I don't know. I think I'm guessing, what's a gallon?

Four liters? Oh man, I don't know. Like the four liter jugs I think are gallon jugs. A gallon of milk. A gallon of milk. And I think, but I think a true gallon is like 3.8 liters. Right. But four cups in a liter?

So like 16 cups in a gallon ish 76 is outrageous 76 is a little big maybe he was thinking 76 tablespoons 76 trombones so 76 trombones would be so loud like think about how loud one trombone is

76 of them all brrrr. You think they're all doing the You Lost on Wheel of Fortune? Brr, brr, brr. It is the most famous

trombone song. Not Wheel of Fortune. Price is Right. Yeah. Why did, I wonder why anyone even had to know that and why we would call

a place of business to ask. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I think it's something maybe your significant other calls you with.

Oh, I guess that makes sense. Settle a bet for me. Yeah. Me and the Pawn Stars guys are, we have a bet going. Hester wants to know how many cups in a gallon.

Hi, Hester. Here comes Hester. Pretty good, right? Was it me or James? It was me. But I am thinking now that guy, that sunburned guy does sound like that. Yeah. I think his name's Daryl.

Yeah. Yeah. He's Daryl. Go ahead. Let me see if I can pull up some daryl before we say goodbye the reality show that i got obsessed with that is in the similar vein as bar rescue oh yeah man john tavern that guy is he's a piece of work yeah and uh he puts out the security cameras yeah and people are always shocked when he comes in and he's uh he's unhappy with what they've done. Makes me...

I could watch 12 episodes in a row. It's good. And it's always the same. It's in like a hotel when you're watching like Spike TV or whatever. The remakes of the restaurants always seem like crap. Yeah. Like I never see... When you're searching YouTube for Storage Wars

Daryl, here are the top results. Storage Wars Daryl. Okay. Here are the top results. Storage Wars Daryl finds dead body. Storage Wars Daryl's biggest hit ever. Storage Wars Daryl paintings. Oh, okay.

They're all self-portraits. I think I know what his biggest hit is ever. He talked about it on the show. He made a million bucks or something. Comic books. Comic books. That's about it on the show. Oh, is it a million bucks or something? Uh,

comic books, comic books. That's right. Yep. Yeah. Um, this is biggest hit ever. Is this him finding a dead button?

This is from, sorry, let's start again. Storage wars, Daryl and Brandon's best finds and blunders I was hitting it so big it was like being an effing rock star right?

yeah good impression thank you Larry Bird basketball baby oh god Larry Bird's basketball baby you know those are that signature's just printed on there at the factory Oh, God. Larry Bird's basketball, baby. You know, that signature's just printed on there at the factory. This is worth $800,000.

I guarantee it. And then the little ticker would... And it would be like, just as they were saying, well, that's 50 bucks, that's 50 bucks. It would go up as if they're not pulling these numbers out of their asses. A calliope? That's got to be. I'll talk to my calliope friend. It's that guy with the Amish hat.

Oh, hello. Oh, boy. Oh, that was worth it. Yeah, that was fun. James, this brings us to the end of the podcast. Thank you for having me. So fun. Thank you for being the guest.

What would you like to plug at the end here? Well, you know, I'm on Twitter at James Hartnett. Yeah. You've got your own podcast. Podcast with Mike Belazzo called the Landlord and Tenant Pod Mess. What is the... The idea is I'm a landlord and Mike is my tenant. And the premise of the podcast is it's the only podcast.

So is that true? No. Oh, okay. Kind of in character a bit. Okay. And the premise is it's the only podcast that has the balls to ask the question, can a landlord and tenant be buddies? And we did a lot of research. We found there's a big demand for sort of real estate themed podcasts with two guys you don't know.

But it's pretty fun and um you know i'm taping a comedy album soon so that'll be out at some point you have a name for it not yet yeah it's hard to think of one do you have an idea of what you want the cover to look like no i'm still in the process of that's a tough one yeah yeah it's uh i was i was sifting through some of the comedy records that i have last night and and I was like, how did they settle on this as being the image? Yeah, and some look like real estate headshots. You know what I mean? A bit like, I don't know.

I don't want it to look too, you know, I don't know, corporate or whatever. Yeah, well, you know, do some jagged letters on it. Yeah, or a noose with a microphone cord around my neck or duct tape over my mouth. Classic. Yeah, why is it always just over the mouth? What about a comedian with duct tape over their eyes? Yeah, my stuff is so inflammatory,

I can't even look at you. Listeners out there, if you want to engage with the podcast in the cybersphere, is that what they call it? Yeah, yeah. If you want to cruise on over to the cybersphere, you can go to MaximumFun.org. You can go to our Twitter, at Stop Podcasting. You can go to MaximumFun.org. You can go to our Twitter, at Stop Podcasting. You can go to Reddit. There's a Maximum Fun subreddit.

You can go to Facebook. We're everywhere, man. We're like Visa everywhere you want to be with their spokesperson, James Hartnett, the dad of a 10-year-old who was playing hockey. Yeah, that's right. And I pointed at him and I went, well done, son. And this kid was like, who are you? How'd you get in there?

The voice on this guy. And if you listeners out there like the podcast, you know you can leave a review on iTunes. And why don't you tell your friends how much I like the podcast and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.