Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 509 - Amy Goodmurphy

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Comedian and actress Amy Goodmurphy returns on this special Holiday episode to talk horny bands, wet sandwiches, and an old organ. Plus, our annual Secret Santa gift exchange!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 509, a special Christmas episode, or holiday episode, whatever you want to call it. There's only one holiday. And it's Labor Day, but we're way late for that, so we decided we'd do a Christmas episode. My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who was visited by three spooky ghosts last night that changed his mind about things.

Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, they changed my mind about everything. So, the first ghost was so spooky. It was a little kid in a backpack. Oh, God. And it gave me the finger. Oh, no, no. And it changed my mind about backpack.

I was like, I don't know. I'm more of a shoulder bag guy. But this kid's really pulling it off. Yeah. Ghost number two. Yeah. It was a figure skater with her head in a bag. Oh, no.

And that really changed my mind about, you know, what I want to watch this upcoming Winter Olympics. Mm-hmm. Third guy was a ghost. Oh, no. And that's the scariest kind of guy. He changed a lot of people's minds when I was watching him. Was he a flat earther? He was.

That was his last name. He was Julius Flat Earther. But he believed in a round earth. Oh, I understand. So it's a Christmas episode and as is our tradition every year, don't tell our guests that it's the Christmas episode.

They just show up. And at one point we'll be doing a gift exchange. Don't worry, I brought something for you. And as usual, I didn't. But also this is coming out on the 18th, because next week's will come out on Christmas Day.

But what do you... They never show any Christmas episodes on Christmas. It's all stuff that's like... Yeah, we'll do our annual year in review. We'll read all the newspapers for the past year. We'll count down the top videos

Yeah, the best A hundred best plays On Broadway And the major leagues But But yeah, what do they do on Christmas Day? They'll show like There's the log burning

Yeah, or maybe they'll show like You know, a choir Our guest today Returning guest to the podcast. Wonderful counselor. Yeah. Almighty God, the Prince of Peace, our everlasting father. Oh my God. She is a hilarious comedian.

She will be seen as part of the Ryan and Amy show in the Just for Laughs Northwest in March. It's Amy Gooden-Murphy. Hello. Hello. I'm excited to be here. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming back on the show. Please call me Jesus Christ now.

Oh, yes. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Jesus of Nazareth, everybody. Yeah. Well, at this point, just Bethlehem. I mean, I don't like to get into it. Hey, I'm just a regular guy here.

I just want to be normal with you guys you held up your hands to show stigmata why don't you show that I'm bleeding from my wrist it's all good

you're going to have to do a clean up after this but I don't pay for that clean up on our own Jesus nice one really good really good

should we get to know us? oh sure per perfect get to know us? Oh, sure. Per. Ah. Perfect. Get to know us. Amy, just before the show started, you told us that you landed a part. Woohoo!

And you're stoked, obviously. A body part? I'm stoked. I landed a body part. I'm getting an extra teat. I will now have three. It has nothing to do with you guys. This is not a sexual body part I'm getting an extra teat I will now have three has nothing to do with you guys it's not a sexual thing

I just wanted a third teat I understand it's for you it's for me the first two are teats or tits tits

and I wanted a third which is called a teat oh if it's three it becomes teat yeah back from where I'm from when it becomes three it becomes a teat

where are you from again Nazareth Jesus Town Jesus Town Jesus Town no that's a documentary Back from where I'm from. When it becomes through. Where are you from again? Nazareth. Jesus Town? Jesus Town? Jesus Town? No, that's a documentary. Jesus Town.

So what is this part? So it's kind of exciting. It's just exciting for me. We were goofing around. She's not Jesus. She's Amy. Because now this is a real thing. Right. This is for real.

And she told us off the air that she landed a part. She's excited about it. Yeah. We didn't want to know yet. Yeah. Okay. And now we want to know. We're all finding out together.

Okay. And we'll be right back. Oh, what? And we're back. Okay, hi. Yeah, I'm super stoked. It's not like anything too crazy. It's just exciting for me because as I was saying, like, a lot of things that I end up,

like I am an actress, but a lot of things that I end up booking is sort of through the community and people that I know. And I don't have to go through the whole like song and dance of callbacks and auditions and callbacks and blah, blah, blah. What song do you usually perform? I perform All Hail Ye. No, don't know any religious songs. Don't know. When did Catholic Pride go?

All Hail Ye. All Hail Ye? Yeah. Have you heard of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All Hail Ye. Do you know that one? Or no? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All Hail ye. Yeah. Have you heard of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All hail ye. Do you know that one? Or no?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All hail ye. Nope. That's not, that's a different one. Yeah. That's the radio version. This is the explicit one from the album. Yeah.

If you wait a little longer, this is the end track. Yeah. So I can't say like, I can't say the brand or anything I don't think yet because we're shooting tomorrow, but it's in Toronto. They're flying me business class. You're flying tomorrow? No, sorry, next week rather. It's in Toronto.

Cool. Business class. Yeah, isn't that cool? Have you ever flown business class? I mean, I have actually, but only because my brother works for the airline. And sometimes when you're flying standby and there's no room with the cattle in the back, you get to sit with the snoots in the front. Snoots and cattle. Have you guys ever flown business class?

Oh yeah. Once. Oh my. How did this happen? You guys aren't rich. No, no, no. I got upgraded because they oversold. Amazing.

Oh, I'm rich. Yeah. Sorry. I forgot. I mean, not, I don't have money. No, no. But like. You're rich in things.

You know, I, I, I'm rich in airlines. Yeah. Yeah, no. But like. You're rich in things. You know, I'm rich in airlines. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, you're airline rich. I get it. Yeah. It's insane up there. It's like a different world. Even the way they talk to you, like they actually give a shit about you up there.

They do not give a shit about you in the back. They do, though. Do they? I don't. I mean, if you're nice, they do. I think if you make a little effort to be, if you like everywhere I go, I think I'm better than everyone. Yeah. So like it really comes across on an airplane where people are the worst.

And like, if you're just like a little bit nicer than everyone, you know, you smile, you say thank you to people there. They, they don't treat you like that. Yeah. And if you're in coach, sometimes I'll fall asleep and I'll wake up to, you know, one of the flight attendants kissing my forehead. What? Yeah. That? Yeah. That's okay. Whoops.

Which airline are you flying on? All of them. They all kiss your forehead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you are. I'm so adorable when I sleep. They can't help it. I think that's a bit, you should probably tell somebody about that.

I am. I'm telling you guys right now. No, I'm going to tell somebody about that. Well, her brother works for the airline. Yeah. Oh, no. I know her brother works for the airline. Yeah. Oh, no. I know. I will be actually telling legitimate people.

Anyhow, yes, the thing that I landed, it's a series. The airplane landed. The airplane landed. Okay. That's what I was trying to tell you. Yeah. And so it lands in Toronto and then I film for a week. A commercial?

A series of commercials. I'm basically a new like spokesperson. And you know like the angel from Philadelphia cream cheese? Yeah, yeah yeah yeah I get to be that person for a really unexciting industry but for a loan company

okay yeah but no that's just exciting you said like cream cheese is the exciting industry it is if I had said

like yeah come on loan cream cheese what's more exciting to you I'd like to you want a loan well loans are nice I would like to on. Loan cream cheese. What's more exciting to you? I'd like to. You want a loan? Well, loans are nice. I would like to get one of those cream cheese loans, you know?

That'd be cool. What are like the, what's like a prestigious commercial? Like, I guess, cars. Cars. You know, what's her name? She's a household name now. Flo. Flo.

But what's that insurance? That's insurance. Geico's insurance. All the best ones are just insurance. A loan is like an insurance. Yeah, isn't J.K. Simmons? He's insurance. Or the kind of like the I'm hoping it will be, but we'll see.

Fingers crossed. Again, as an actor, too, you get zero information. So I just have like the basics of what I'm doing. But as an actor, could you understand information? No, of course not. I'm dumb as hell. No, we're all dumb fucks.

So thank you. Absolutely not. Um, now are you, cause sometimes, uh, an actor would be worried to be doing work like that because they don't want to get typecast or they don't want it. Do you care about that?

That's a really good question. No one's asked me that yet. Um, shit, I should fucking cancel this. No, I don't know. That's a really good question. I don't know.

I'm going to do it because it's a great opportunity in the sense that it's like a series of commercials. It's print. It's also, they're also going to fly me back to like,

I have to do in-branch visits. Shut up. Really? I can't tell you what I am, but I can tell you that I fly. Oh boy, this is great. Okay. And that I'm tiny.

No, you're some sort of bat. I'm bigger than a bread box. Yeah. Oh, you're tiny? I'm tiny. Oh, you're a fairy. But I can't tell you what I am. Oh, understood.

Yeah. So. Oh man. So you get to go to. But maybe you're an angel. Like a Philadelphia cream cheese. Is there a cream cheese involved in this? There's no-

Maybe. I don't know. And actually, the best part- Yeah, there might be on set. All jokes. Maybe. I hope so. I will be eating it if there are.

I've been advised to eat very healthy the day of and to do lots of stretching. The day of the whole week? The day of the week? So I ate a lot of cheese. Like, I've just been packing away. What I usually do is like chips and Cheezies. Like, today I got Cheezies. Don't ever put a $20 bill into a lot of cheese. Like I've just been packing away. What I usually do is like chips and cheesies. Like today I got cheesies. Don't ever put a $20 bill into a vending machine.

They only, if you're getting little bag of cheesies, they only drop back toonies and loonies. I hated myself. I thought they'd bring me back a bill. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang, clang. I just put a big wad of like. But you're lucky you got anything back. Some of those machines are just like, oh, no, we don't give a change. Yeah.

And we don't give product. Yeah. Sometimes we just get stuck. Yeah. We, no, we don't give a chance. No. And we don't give products. Yeah. Sometimes we just get stuck. Yeah, we're just a box that you put money into. Yeah. That's exciting. Yeah.

Was this the one you were telling us you beat out a redhead for? I beat out a redhead. And that's unheard of in the acting industry. Come again? Yes, it is.

A hundred percent. Because if you watch, I was telling these guys that if you watch commercials, if you have cable, I don't have cable which is a horrible thing to say as an actor I just don't watch anything

but I watch Netflix I think it's a believable thing to say as an actor okay it's too yeah because it costs too much it costs too much

fucking money I'm poor as hell but if you watch commercials and you pay attention especially like anyways what they're casting out of here but Canadian television and commercials

all of the females or a big chunk of them right now redheads are on fire. It's a redhead. When I see a redhead in an audition I'm always like

why the fuck am I here? Why did you put me here? This is the thing that I because I went out on some auditions that never landed anything but sometimes I'd go out

on an audition for like homeless guy right? And then there would be a guy in there that I'm like oh man this guy is way more homeless. This guy is And then there would be a guy in there that I'm like, oh man, this guy is way more homeless.

This guy is actually homeless. They found this guy. Yeah, exactly. So like where you walk in, you're like, can I just sign out? Like I know I'm not getting it over. Don't you hate that? I hate that.

Or you go into a room and there's like 50 plus other actors there. Like, I guess. And they're all redheaded. And they're all redheads and they're all red heads well what are you supposed to do why am I here

and it's for the Raggedy Ann movie that's what we were saying the commercial I'm really doing we were saying is for the Wendy's the new Wendy

yeah I beat out Wendy to be Wendy you're like a flying Wendy a flying Wendy oh like Peter Pan yeah

oh right and they'll loan you a hamburger it's for a loan burger company yeah a burger loan company rather Lying Wendy. Oh, like Peter Pan. Yeah. Oh, right. And they'll loan you a hamburger. It's for a loan burger company. Yeah. A burger loan company, rather. Well, that's a wimpy from Popeye.

He was always hamburger today. I'll pay you tomorrow. Yeah. That was a hamburger loan. Loan burger. It's a thing. Oh, and their spokesman's the Lone Ranger. Eating a burger.

Lone Burger. The Lone Ranger and his sidekick is Wimpy. Oh, it's so good. Well, like, the Lone Ranger is about right for the kind of, like, person they would put on the cups at Dairy Queen. Yeah. Yeah, or Denny's. You can get a place met with the Lone Ranger.

A hundred percent. That sounds amazing. So like, you have to do, have you ever done anything like that? Like in-store appearances? Totally. So I do.

Have you ever had to do something like that? No. No. We've all appeared in stores. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like, have I presented my body

in a store? Yeah. And what was that like? It was okay. Okay. It was scary. No, I haven't. It's really interesting.

It'll be, I don't, again, like minimal information. They said I'm sort of like contractually bound. So for 2018, I'm going to have to, on a whim, I guess they'll fly me out to certain branches. I think they're in every, this particular company is in every major Canadian city, I believe. Wow. Flimflon. Yeah, Flimflon. Yeah, Flimflon. The Paw.

Blip Blat. Blip Blat. And Paw-y-bring. Paw-y-bring, Ontario. Snowville, yeah. That's, and they loan hamburgers. Yeah. I told you, I can't tell you anymore.

Yeah, but that's fine. We're getting a full picture of what this is all about. Lowranger, burger loan. I can't, I don't. What's the problem? I don't know how loaning works. I can't tell you. I told you I'm an actress.

You go in. You put down a certain money, like $1 on a hunt. Three bucks on a hunt. Three bucks on a hunt. It's like Money Mart. Yeah. And then you give them the check minus their fee, minus whatever interest. And then they give you the money.

But then you buy a car. Everyone in a loan buys a car. Everyone in a loan? Everybody who's alone. Everyone in a loan. So if you're in a loan, if you have a loan, you say, I'm in a loan right now. I know that much. I'm not allowed to see other loans because I'm in a loan right now.

Do you get to write any of the ads? Because here's an idea you can pitch. Okay. Home alone. Home loan. Home alone. Ah.

But it's Burger Loans. Yeah, okay, but that was then. Home loans. Home alone. Ah. That seems like something you'd see

at like, you know, 11 o'clock at night the local ad for a loan place. Yeah. Jerry's Loans. Jerry's. Oh, did we?

You can't see the company. Damn it. Oh, great, great. I didn't know that they were national. She's the Jerry's angel. Yeah, they are. The Jerry's flying angel. Okay.

I throw burgers out. Yeah. With cream cheese. Yeah, with cream cheese. Spread a little love. Well, because. Did Steve Bayes write that song? Maybe. I don't know. Our past because. Did Steve Bayes write that song? Maybe.

I don't know. Our past guest, John Hodgman, he was one half of the Apple, you know, one was a PC and one was an Apple computer. I don't know. Yeah, that's ringing a bell. What were those? Were those like, it was a big string of commercials. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were on for like years. Yes, of course. And they were human. They were, they played, one played Apple, one played the PC. Yeah. I don't remember these. You do too. She barely remembers them like years. Oh, yes, of course. And they were human. They played, one played Apple, one played the PC. Yeah.

I don't remember these. You do too. She barely remembers them. And I'm, I'm, I'm. I just recited the entire commercial. But when he. I'm an Apple and I'm a ZZ. A DC?

I'm an Apple. I'm from DC. I'm from DC. Oh my God. But when he got it, his agent was like, you know, maybe then people will only ever think of you as this commercial thing. And he was like, that's fine. My honest answer?

I'll fucking take anything at this goddamn point. It's true. This is your last chance. You're 49. I'm not 49, but that's alright. Have you ever been punched in your own home? Home alone? Have you ever been punched by a guest?

Well, that guy that was the can you hear me now guy. Yeah. He then he's now switched allegiances. That's right. Really?

Yeah. He went, what is the company? I don't know. It's another phone company. Yeah. He was Verizon.

Now he's T-Mobile or he's AT&T or he's Comcast or he's. Because the stipulation in the I mean that's good that's promising

when was that recently yeah okay because usually in these like within the breakdowns they say must not have done

previous loan worked for previous loan companies in commercial or ads or whatever so if you have you're not and they ask you again

once you get there but this guy is an iconic guy he was the most interesting man in cell phone oh wow he was one of People Magazine's most beautiful people that first year.

He might have been. Yeah. They'll always in those magazines, like in the most beautiful people issue, they will do like, hey, you don't recognize this guy? He's Ryan Seacrest. Who's that? Some people find him attractive. I don't get it. Yeah.

What about that whole thing with the sexiest man alive? What was his name? Blake Shelton. Blake Shelton. Is he the guy whose name we couldn't remember for like- Brunk Dunstan. Brunk Dunstan. Brunk Dunstan?

Yeah. Close. Turf Korfman or whatever. Yeah, that's even closer. But when I saw it written out there on the cover, I honestly, for years, I thought his name was Blake Elton.

Blake Elton. Yeah. What? I thought his first name was Blake. Yeah. Okay. As in to slam on the Blake.

Yeah, no, got it. And his last name was Elton as in Elton John. And there was a space symmetry. But what was your, what was your take on it? I just felt sad. I hated how much attention,

I felt really gross about that industry and just the human race. The man industry? Well, no, I felt gross about the human race and mostly females who were like, I can't believe he was the sexiest man alive. I just don't fucking get it. He's not.

There's so many other people to choose from. Holy shit. You bitch. I don't know. There's three and a other people to choose from holy shit you bitch like I don't know I guess I just like there's three and a half billion to choose from

yeah that's true yeah and Larry King's still alive imagine okay alright that's a okay

but he imagine you were him and he had there was this big like I don't know if you saw this but like on all the blogs and all the magazines and all the front pages

and like ET Canada and all this bullshit was like up in an, like it was an uproar of how could Bleich Shelton, Elton, I mean, Bleich Elton be the sexiest man alive. What if you were him?

Wouldn't you like kind of really hate yourself for a bit? Hey, my wife, Gwen Stefani. I think they're just dating. Okay. Didn't they break up? Oh,

I don't know. Oh my God, you guys. Are you breaking the story here? right here know oh my god you guys are you breaking the story here right here officially hi you guys it's Amy

um hi Amy Amy you're calling in from Hollywood what's going on down there hey you guys I just want to

report that Blaise Elton and Gwen Staponi have officially split oh this is all the humanity

um yeah I guess uh I don't know I guess I'd be uh Oh, this is all the humanity. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I guess I'd be sad. What does that mean? It is what? Mean to. But it's also silly to call somebody.

Have the sexiest someone alive. I totally agree. Because the next year they're still alive. They don't kill them, do they? Have they ever? Yeah. Because like Nick Nolte won one year. That's right. Is he alive?

He looks dead. He's alive. And this was when he was in The Prince of Tides. And so it was like 1991-ish. And I think that was a year when like a lot of sexy guys were on the brink of death. Right. So they were like, by time of publishing, we don't know. Well, he might,

yeah, he might be weak in a Bernie yet because he does literally look like he's dead. Has Bernie ever won sex, he's been alive? No. No, because he's not alive.

But they could trick. That's my thing. Yeah. Like if the cover of the magazine played some island rhythms, it could bring him to life. Was that just the second one?

Could pop at his body. Yeah, it's only the second one that they pop at him. The first one. What, the dancing? I think the second one, the music, like he doesn't...

Music brings him back to life? Well, not to life, but he just dances. What was the second one about? Because I never made it to the second one. We need to go away for a second weekend. He's still dead.

At whose? At whose? Wow. Got to watch it. So you booked the thing. That's fantastic. What else is going on? So many things.

Actually, I have a show coming up. Ryan and I have a show coming up in March. Ryan Steele. Ryan Steele. Ryan Steele. Ryan Jason Steele. That's a good name. That is a good name, isn't it? Did he just drop Ryan to Jason Steele? You know what, he should because

there's a famous Ryan Steele who's a dancer. So if you Google Ryan Steele. There are no famous dancers. Okay, yeah. Well, no, I know. Baryshnikov. Okay, Baryshnikov. Jennifer Lopez. The little girl from the Sia videos. Yeah. That old man that dances the Six Flags commercial.

Oh, yeah. Uncle Junior. Yeah, Uncle Junior. No, that's it. That's all of them. But there are some famous ones. Okay. And Ryan Steele. And Ryan Steele.

Google this person. So he should change his name to Jason Steele. But we are part of the JFL, JFL Northwest, uh, comedy festival. What's that like? It's really fun actually. It was, it'll be our third year in a row doing it. Um, Three feet.

A three feet. I'm super stoked. We're part of the best of the West local community. Yeah. And our show is on March 9th at XY nightclub. And what's, uh, where is that? It's in, uh, the Davie village. Oh, You've been there quite a few times. show is on March 9th at XY Nightclub. Where's that? It's in the Davie Village.

You've been there quite a few times. How close is it to the Denny's? That's how I orient myself. Hey, nice. A block. Because Denny's is on Thurlow, right? It's on Butte. So we were talking last week about gay bars. Please, give it to me. And we were wondering, can there be a gay Arby's?

Yeah. Like, why are there only gay bars and not gay Arby's? Like, why can't you have a gay Subway? There is gay Subway. What do you mean, like, gay restaurants? Yeah, yeah, gay restaurants. Or, like, on that gay neighborhood street? Like, a restaurant where only gay people go?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the restaurant that has, like, I don't go to a- It's getting really discriminatory, but, yeah. Yeah, the restaurant that has like... Look, I don't go to... It's getting really discriminatory, but go on. I don't go to any bars really, so I don't know what goes on in a gay bar. Wow, you're missing out. And what makes it gay. Okay, good question. Wow, we're getting really deep here.

I'm just an actress. I wouldn't be turned away at the door at a gay bar. No, of course not. They don't show your gay card. They have to show your, like, you know, dingleberries and pole to get in. Yeah, that's what you meant.

Dingleberries. Yeah, dingleberries and pole. Yeah. Your pole. But, like, the dingleberries are... Tiny little balls and your pole

is your genitalia penis. Dingleberries are, like, a dirty thing on my butt. You're scrotum. It's stuck to my butt Yeah Oh sorry

Those are dingleberries Yeah Oh wait okay It's coming to now It's not Not those Okay Not those

You don't want to show that Don't show your dingleberries ever What if the club Is called dingleberries Then you probably Have to show your dingleberries So Is that a no

On the gay armies I mean Dave needs to know Anywhere it can be gay. I mean, I could support the whole on though. That's a really good question. First of all, all restaurants are. Thank you, by the way, because I'm sweating it.

Yeah, you should. It's a good question in the sense that, yes, it's like, what's the difference between a, there's no straight bars, are there? Right? Like, it's just gay bars. Straight bars are like, you think of a straight bar as inclusive or like a regular bar. Yeah. And they don't even identify as gay. I don't think they, I don't think of a straight bar as inclusive or like a regular bar. Yeah. I mean, I don't think they,

I don't think of any bars as really inclusive. Yeah. I don't go to Granville Street. Do you go to Granville Street? No. I don't go. Yeah, exclusively.

I'd rather die. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I go on Friday night. Here's what I do. I see you there.

I see you there. I hit venue. Yeah, love it. Then I walk down the road. Caprice. Caprice. I took the words

right out of my mouth. Hitting Caprice. Caprice. And then, Roxy. What's that? Roxy Roxy I'll hit the Roxy

And then I'll go up To Tom Lee Music Tom Lee Music I go to Morrissey I go to Gay Arby's Wait Oh no No no no

Wrong street Wrong street Doesn't exist Gay clubs are the shit By the way You need to experience A gay club I want to do a gay club

Do they Know it's Christmas First of all Of course And Shirt to a gay club. Do they know it's Christmas, first of all? Of course. Shirtless Christmas. Second of all, do they, like, my only worry about going to a gay bar is, like, are they open at, like, 7.30 p.m.? Can I be home by 9?

Okay. No one will be there, but it probably will be open. XY opens early. Okay. And do they show Jeopardy? No, but there was bingo last night. Okay. Bingo? Yeah. They have piano nights. there but it probably will be open xy opens early okay and do they show jeopardy no but we put there was bingo last night okay bingo yeah they have piano there was a farmer who had a dog and bingo was his name never heard of it okay it was a series of apple commercials oh perfect uh

what is uh the bingo is in a nightclub yeah Yeah. Why? Um, it's like a, mostly drag queens host it. It's just like a fun way to get people into the club. So they'll have different nights, like piano night, drag show night. What happens on piano night? There's a beautiful piano that comes and, that comes and rolls out. It's alive and it rolls itself out. Oh, cool. Oh, here's an idea.

A living piano. Here's an idea for a t-shirt. Has this been done? Oh no. It's a picture of Santa Claus and he's in drag. Yeah. And it says, slay all day. Slay all day.

That's pretty good. Oh, my God. I don't know, but I would buy it. Okay. Slay all day? Slay all day. You've been in a gay club and you also might be. Anyways.

I mean, look. I mean, that's pretty good. The human sexuality is. It's a big spectrum. It's elastic. Yeah. One day I'm one way, and the next day I bounce. Yeah.

One day you love your wife, and you totally are all for it. Next day you regret it and want to fuck a dude. I will always love my wife, no matter what I feel like doing. Fair. Fair. Hey, this is a safe place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All good and bad ideas are being put on the table.

And I want to, if any listeners are uncomfortable, I want to make it known that we can say this because Amy is a 49-year-old lesbian. I'm not 49, but I am a lesbian. And I love your wife. And I kind of have a crush on her. Is that right? Yes. All right. She's beautiful. All cards crush on her. Is that right? Yes. All right. She's beautiful.

All cards on the table. Not trying to do anything. I just want to admire the fact that you have a beautiful, really cute, funny, maybe likes me. I'm feeling a bit of a vibe wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all I'm saying. That's it. And all I'm saying is I've watched Jeopardy! in a gay bar. So what's wrong with that? What is? What is nothing?

What is wrong with that? Nothing. We're on the same. So what's wrong with that? What is? What is nothing? What is wrong with that? Nothing. We're on the same page. What is wrong with that? And I like your wife too. You do? Yeah. Yeah?

Are you married? I'm not married, but I have a partner of five years. Five years. Yes. Wow. So basically married. She designs backpacks?

She works for the company that designs backpacks, yes. Five years. They make, they'll loan you a backpack. Yes. You were not allowed to mention that in the back book. It's a backpack loan company, yeah.

Five years. Yes. Is that longest time relationship? Yes. Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. Three was my longest.

Five now is my longest. That's it. Nice. What's your longest, Graham? Three and a, three and a, just a bit over three. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good.

I think that shows I can go the distance. I think so too. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Are you, do you want to go the distance? Well, I'm going for speed. Yeah.

Yeah. Five years. Congratulations. Thank you. It's a long time. It's a lot. When was the anniversary? It's. Oh boy. Shit. Yeah. She long time. It's a lot. When was the anniversary? It's.

Oh, boy. Shit. Yeah. She knows it. It's at the end of February. Oh. Or March. So it's a leap year.

Yeah. Yeah. Or March. Or March. I can't remember. I think it's March. Well, at least you were able to narrow it down to a season. Yeah.

I'm not good with dates. It's either February or March. Yeah. Oh, no. It's March 9th. The night of our show. Yeah. No.

No, no. It's not. It's at the end of one of. It's. Fuck. I don't know. It, no. It's March 9th, the night of our show. Yeah. No. No, no. It's not. It's at the end of one of the... Fuck. I don't know. It's fine. It's fine. She can't listen to this podcast.

You have to cut this out. See, she doesn't listen, does she? No. She hates everything I do. No. She's a really big supporter. She will share this and listen to the end. So, I'm going to take a stab at it.

I think it's March 24th. Whoa. Congratulations. Thank you. So, not even the same season. That's right. But when you're not married, what makes an anniversary date? Yeah.

Because Abby and I had one, and we were like, we never went on a first date. So we just picked the night that we saw that episode of Blind Date. I think for us, it was the date we decided. I think it's like a couple deciding thing. For us, it was the day that we met in person. Like the day that we met. How did you meet? We came together initially.

We started coming together through Ryan, my comedy partner, Ryan Steele. Ryan Jason Steele. Just Jason Steele now. Cool. He was working at a bar and she used to come in quite often, I guess. And I was single at the time and just getting out of kind of a funny relationship. Funny, haha. Yeah, it was funny.

You dated Phyllis Diller for a number of years. I dated her. Him, her. And then, yeah, and then he said, oh, you should hook, you should, you know, whatever. I have this girl years. I dated her. Him, her. And then, yeah, and then he said, oh, you should hook, you should, you know,

whatever, I have this girl that I know, blah, blah, blah. And I wasn't initially interested because I was, had just been freshly broken up with

this funny person. And, and then, Did they break up with you in a funny way? Yeah, they made a joke and that was that. Yeah.

So it was like left, just forever, I just think it was really funny. Yeah, because they left on a high note. Yeah, because they left on a high note. Yeah, because they left on a high note. So I'm like, that was really funny. Boy, man, she really left me wanting more.

Yeah. But yeah, so we just kind of like did the new age thing where we followed each other on social media. And then we were like, it was a really kind of a slow burn that way. And then we just ended up meeting each other at a bar one night, at a gay bar. Do you think I could end up with some of the people I follow on social media? Of course. Because I'm really digging the fat Jewish. Oh, my God.

Me too. I would convert for him. Yeah. He's funny. To Judaism? To Judaism. Wait a minute. Is he who left you wanting more?

Yes. It was him. I didn't want to say that. That's fine. It's fine. Everybody is interested. He was the funny female that I dated for two and a half years, that one. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess the social media thing does kind of happen either first or has to happen in tandem. It does. Now it's not just the meeting. I won't follow my wife on social media. What? Dave? Look. She's producing great content. it's not just it's not just the meeting I won't follow my wife on social media what what look she's producing great content

the thing is I like to keep my following follower to following ratio really really tight she didn't make the cut and you know what it's just

it's the fat Jewish yeah it's fuckjerry.com yeah it's like stock tips stock tips

sure PewDiePie PewDiePie tweets yeah Pew. Stock tips, sure. But like PewDiePie. PewDiePie tweets. Yeah. PewDiePie. Yeah, PewDiePie. PewDiePie. But just PewDiePie after dark.

And, you know, Minecraft. Oh, nice. Everyone but your wife. Yeah. Okay. What's up with that? Everything but the girl. Yeah, I get it.

And I miss you like the deserts miss the rain. Right. And you ask her things about herself instead of seeing what she's doing. Because like on dating apps now, I was with, pardon me, a girl today, a friend of mine. What's that like? It's nice having friends. Yeah. And she's female, which is kind of nice.

Just girl to girl. You know, sometimes you just want to be with a gal. I need more of that. Yeah. So we were looking, I was looking at her dating app. She's single and she's looking on her dating app today. And I noticed that most people put, or a lot of people put their Instagram. Like, you want to know more about me?

Go to my Instagram. But it's so weird. Like, that's how you, instead of initiating a conversation, but at the same time, it's kind of cool too. Because then you can kind of like really kind of meet. Well, actually. You can kind of suss out what they're doing. Into maybe, but also could be complete bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the hard part. I think I could fake an Instagram account in an afternoon. Yeah. Exactly. A hundred percent. Yeah. I could tell if you're faking an Instagram. No way.

Oh my God. The way I do it. I'll have what she's taking a picture of. There's a local comedian. I can't remember her name now, but she's really loves us on social media. So we'd have this social media love back and forth. She's a local comedian. I can't remember her name now, but she really loves us on social media. So we have this social media love back and forth. She's a comedian. I can't remember her name now, but she's so funny.

And she's part of the Tell a Story Hive competition that's going on. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. And I believe, I hope this is not the wrong information, but I believe she's been funded. So now she's like, you have to compete and then you get funded. You're the home listener. Who cares? Okay, sorry.

It's Phyllis Dillon. Anyhow, so she's got this project going where, and again, I can't remember, it's like Instagram. She's an Instagram influencer, but it's completely hilarious. Like it's what it really is. So they have like basically behind the scene footage of her like trying to get the perfect shot, but it's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like 2000 shots later. It's like the reality of it. I've watched documentaries about these youtube stars really and uh if i find it riveting yeah because it's not real well and it's also like these for the most part it's a lot of young boys that uh young 11 year old girls want to scream at In person. Scream at. Hey! Get over here! Hey! No!

Not in here! You take that hat off! That hat is inappropriate! Exactly. And then they put together these tours where these boys just go stand on stage and these girls scream and they go insane. Yeah, but what do they do on stage? They dance. They throw water at each other. Okay. That's it. There's no... How long a show is it? They go insane. Yeah, but what do they do on stage? They dance. They throw water at each other.

Okay. That's it. How long a show is it? Like 20 minutes. Is it a really big show? Would Ed Sullivan have these kids come on and stand there? Kids love Ed Sullivan. He comes out and introduces them.

Well, he came out. The girls were screaming at the Beatles. Yeah. No, they were screaming at Ed. They were giving Ed a little. It was for Ed. And a little bit of Frank Gorshin. Yeah.

No, they were screaming at Ed. They were giving Ed a little. It was for Ed. And a little bit of Frank Gorshin. But they dance on stage for 20 minutes, and then everybody who buys a ticket gets to get a picture. Oh, it's all about the meet and greet. Yeah. What happened to the Backstreet Boys or people that you would have? They're all dead.

Okay. They're all alive. No, no, no. They're coming back. Uh-uh. What? Joey Fatone ate them. Oh, no. What? Joey Fatone ate them. Oh, no.

What? He cooked and ate them. That's insane. Yeah, right? What are you talking about? He ate them? He cooked, killed, and ate them in that order. Nobody told me this.

Yeah. I went to their concert. Backstreet Boys? Oh, no. Okay, what are your top five Backstreet Boy memories? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Memories? In general?

When did you go to their concert? A million years ago. Okay, okay. Yeah. Tell us all about it. Well, it was pretty cool. So this was at an arena. Yes, it was at, I guess, what it would have been at the time, GM Place maybe?

Sure. Because what was it before GM Place? Well, the GM Place was when it was built in the mid-90s, it was called GM Place. That's what started it. Prior to that, we had the Pacific Coliseum, which still stands. Right. So it was GM Place. Well, the GM Place was when it was built in the mid-90s, it was called GM Place. That's what started it. Prior to that, we had the Pacific Coliseum, which still stands. Right. So it was GM Place then. Right.

But now it's called Rogers Arena. Yes, it is. Sorry. But I still call it GM Place. Do you guys? Yeah, of course. I just call it the garage. Love it.

Makes sense. Yeah. Perfect sense. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I don't know. I can't remember. This is a terrible story because I just sort of like remember like one memory of it. I remember like where I was sitting and watching them

and they were like, actually, I have a better story about a Backstreet Boys because I saw Nick Carter. I saw him twice. So I saw him with the Backstreet Boys. I saw him solo. Let me explain why. So I saw Backstreet Boys.

It was awesome. I was way, I was like, I think I was like a teen, a late teen. And it was super fun and they were great. And it was still when they were like kind of floating out, but like ish in their prime. Like they were still good. They were weird. It was like maybe The Call. Yeah.

No, it was like, was it like Fire and Ice when they did or something? It was like Fire or Ice or something album. Oh, The Lukewarm Water. Yeah. The Melting Ice. How to Melt Ice. How to Melt melting ice How to melt ice How to melt How to melt an atomic ice Well

So then I got Over the Backstreet Boys Now if I still hear their songs I'm still like The best way to get Over the Backstreet Boys Is to get Under NSYNC

What? Excuse me? What kind of podcast Is this? She will not tolerate I will not Be going here I'm sorry

I'm so sorry. That's all right. Let's respect these boys and their backstreet. Their backstreet is just full of dingleberry. Yeah, it's full of fucking dingleberries. You don't show them though. So my friend, who also is a lesbian, happens to be obsessed with Nick Carter for some reason.

I don't know what it is. It's not like a sexual thing, but it's just like- The butt cut? Loves him. It's the butt cut. What is that? The butt cut. His haircut that not like a sexual thing But it's just like The butt cut Loves him It's the butt Yeah the butt cut What is that? The butt cut His haircut that is like

Oh Butt in the middle Yeah Butt crack down the middle And like when they were Looks like a minion Yeah Yeah exactly

When they were heartthrobs They were like Kept it pretty cool Like they weren't like overly Like overtly like sexual Or anything like that They were just like romantic Right like they held roses

Exactly It was like cool right Well Nick Carter is Horned up as hell now. What are we, 40 minutes in and we're the first mention of being horned up. I got to keep it true to the roots. So my friend takes me, begs me, not even kidding you, to go to the P&E, the fair here, to go and see Nick Carter, who's coming, who's been invited to come to the fair. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Well, I'll go for the donuts and all the food because I want to go eat.

So I'm like, sure, I'll go. This was literally like five years ago. It wasn't even that long ago. So this is the first time you saw Nick Carter? This is the second time I saw Nick Carter. The first time was when I was in my late teens. Keep up with me. Wait, so you saw him solo in your late teens?

No, no. I saw Backstreet Boys in my late teens. Oh, okay. And then I saw him solo. You saw him solo once or twice? Once. Okay, okay. Once.

So we went to see him. He comes out. We're all there. Everybody's there is already like we're in our 30s and like they brought their little kids or like whatever. They haven't gotten over it. So we're in our 30s. It's this weird little horny scene.

He comes out. I think he's going to be just like the Backstreet Boys, like keeping it cool, like nostalgia, like we remember. He comes out so horny. I swear to God, he had a fucking boner. And he had this, it was like, his album was horny and corny. He had this big- Was that the name of his album?

Horny and corny. It was like Fire and Ice or Horny and Corny. I can't remember. Horny with a corny, yeah. The side of corny. So he had this, itny with a corny. Yeah. So the side of corny. So he had this like, it was like a space album. So he came out in this space suit and he walked out with basically a boner.

And there were kids there because people our age had brought their kids. Yeah. You guys are going to love this. All he was basically like, basically rubbing his crotch on stage. And he was like super horny and talking about how he loves sex. And like, and he was like, at one point he about how he loved sex and like and he was like at one point he goes hey ladies who out there likes to have sex

I was like oh my god us yeah Nick Carter the bunch of us our kids will eventually it's a biological urge

that is it's really perpetuating the species Nick that's what it was really perpetuating the species. That's what it was. And he was like coming out and he was all like. That's why I'm so horny. But it was about him coming from space to come to earth to fuck.

It was really awful. So was the album called Coming to Earth? With a U. Coming to earth, dot, dot, dot, to fuck. In case he didn't do it Yeah yeah yeah Yeah it was It was awful Was his album called

I'm Taking Off Yeah probably When was it That wouldn't 2011 I want to see Let me see Yes

It's not a space cover Oh Well he was a space man Is that him just sitting on hay Well no That's Now or never And it's him sitting on dirt

He was a space man when he came out, I'm telling you. Now, did he do that song about playing basketball with Shaq? I don't think so. Oh, is that his brother? That's Aaron Carter. Now, did they have a sister? Yes, they have a couple sisters, I think.

Didn't you ever watch the reality show? Yeah, was their sister Brooke Hogan? She's part of the Hogan family. Oh, you mean Valerie's family. I'm sorry. I watch this very weird reality show about the new kids on the block. They go on this cruise every year. And they're super horny.

And all the women on the cruise are super horny. Well, the women are super hornny. Well, the women are supes horned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's what I'm wondering. Was Nick just giving the crowd what they wanted? No, they didn't want it? No. He came out and he was like, do you guys like having sex?

And everybody's like, no. No one was like, yeah. Well, okay, there were a couple girls that were like a few, you know, beers bruised deep. Yeah, sure. They showed up here to have sex with Nick Carter. Yeah, yeah. They wanted to. But most of the people were very uncomfortable.

And it was very unexpected. Did he do any recognizable songs? No. He didn't do any backstreet work? It was all from him. No. And what time of day are we talking here? 6 p.m.?

Early evening. Yeah, yeah. Dinner time. of day are we talking here? 6 p.m.? Early evening. Yeah, dinner time. Dinner time. Do you like sex? Yeah. Hey, ladies,

who out there like sex? I was like, oh my God. I'm going to set the table for dinner. Yeah. Here we go. Three course,

me. I see a lot of you are eating corn dogs. Yeah. Porn alone. Wow. Wow. That was pretty bad. Yeah. Porn alone. Wow. Wow.

That was pretty bad. Yeah. I didn't like it. What are the top horniest bands of all time? Oh my God. Boyz II Men. Aerosmith's got to be up there. Boyz II Men.

Aerosmith, Boyz II Men. Oh, Boyz II Men's a good couple. You know, for any of Prince's. But like Boyz II Men aren't. They're romantic. But like they're romantic, but they want you to be horny. But they're like, hey, baby. Yeah, they're sharing the horny.

They're like, it's okay for you to be horny right now, but we're going to keep ourselves together. Okay, totally. I wasn't uncomfortable. I guess I mean like bands that are like horny, like just can't keep it together. I feel like anything under the Prince. They're falling down with horniness.

Prince. Prince's domain was, there was like so much horniness going on. Prince was horny. I mean, there's that viral video of those guys humping an almond. But that wasn't a band. I never saw that. Like, what about like something like Warrant? You know, like the cherry pie, like that feels like that's a very horny song.

Kiss was super horny. Some of the most ham-handed. Who sang Hot for Teacher again? Van Halen, like, Kiss was super horny. Some of the most ham-handed. Who sang Hot for Teacher again? Van Halen. Van Halen, super horny. Super horny. Yeah.

Maybe we should sing a horny song. Motley Crue. Oh, Motley Crue's so horny. Yeah, it was so horny. What, but like,

what were the horniest lady groups? Oh, sure. Oh my gosh. Do you think TLC was horny? I feel like they were partly horny. This is the best conversation ever. Yeah,

TLC was horny. I think Salt-N-Pepa was hornier. Oh, Salt-N-Pepa were partly horny. This is the best conversation ever. Yeah, TLC was horny. I think Salt-N-Pepa was hornier. Oh, Salt-N-Pepa's still horny. They're still horny. I've seen some specials. Yeah, I've seen some specials. Let's see, what else? That's their reunion tour was still horny after all these years.

Still horny. Salt-N-Pepa's still horny. Came out dressed as a sexy turkey. What? Yeah. I don't know who else. I wanted to say somebody like, is Tony Braxton? Flew and Mac.

Notoriously, they all had sex with each other. Was Abba horny? Yes. You think so? I think so. Weren't they? Aren't they notoriously big horns for each other? Yeah.

I mean, they, I don't know if they all did it with each other. Oh, I thought, I thought they did. Yeah. You mean Benny, Bjorn, Anna, Freed, and Agnetha? Mm-hmm. Yes. The whole gang. I think.

I think. But yeah, I always thought of, I didn't ever think of them as horny necessarily. Yeah. I don't see Benny and Bjorn as very horny. No. What about the Bee Gees? Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

There's a lot of, uh. Yeah. Good call. Chest coming out of there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, pretty much every other band from the seventies. Yeah.

And like, I mean, eighties was less horny. I feel like. Yeah. Sure. Then there's all this exercise, like let's get physical. What was that? Her name again? Olivia I feel like. Yeah. Sure. Then there was all those exercise, like, let's get physical. What was that her name again? Olivia Newton-John?

Yeah. Olivia Newton-Horn. Yeah, a little more like Olivia Newton-Horn. Oh, no, there was some real,

what was his name, Rockwell? I always feel like somebody's watching me. But he had a song called Obscene Phone Call. Oh, he was the original Jerky Boys. like somebody's watching me. But he had a song called Obscene Phone Call. Oh. He was the original Jerky Boys.

I think there was a lot of 80s horniness. Yeah. But what about Grace Jones pulling up to the bumper? Yeah. Yeah.

And by then, in the 90s, it felt like, whoa, guys, AIDS. Let's talk about AIDS. Yeah. But it was also, I want to sex you up.

Was that calling me bad? I have a detachable penis. Oh, yeah. I want to sex you up was that calling me bad? I have a detachable penis oh yeah I want to fuck you like an animal people are having sex musicians are horny music is horny

music is the horny of the soul but do you feel you want to get horny? put on a tape do you think that the young generation they've got their EDM. Is EDM horny?

Is it the most horny? I think EDM is like mindlessly horny. It's just insane. Take your brain out. You're not even going to think about how horny this is. You're not going to be present to enjoy it. I think it's the drugs that you take when you listen to EDM that make you horny. This is a drug-free podcast. Oh, my God. I apologize it's the drugs that you take when you listen to EDM that make you horny. This is a drug-free podcast.

Oh my god, I apologize. But you're right. It's drug-free. This podcast is drug-free and peanut-free. Is it horny-free? No, no, no. It's horny. It's a horn-a-plenty. Got it. Two scoops of horny.

But like the every era of music had like a drug Two scoops of horny. But like the every era of music had like a drug associated with it. I feel like. So now it happens to be the horny scrub. What was the drug associated with this? 60s folk revival.

It's gotta be Marijuana. I guess so, yeah. I was hoping it was pills. Then psychedelics. There's your you know. I was hoping it was pills. And then, psychedelics, there's your LSD. What's the dick, like, those dick pills

you can get at the gas station? What's their music? Oh, trucker music. Because it's at the gas station. Oh, sure. Convoy. Yeah.

Eastbound and down. Eastbound and down, yeah. With two big truck hits. I mean, Wanted Dead or Alive, I guess that's more about a bus. Oh, those guys.

Is that Bon Jovi? Yeah. As horny as they come. Really? Yeah, actually. Bon Jovi? But actually, that might be the

Jim and Prince. John, Richie, Tico, Agnetha. Remember that video for, it was called Always, I think,

by Bon Jovi? That was like the craziest, horniest video that ever did air. Well, it had Carla G was like the craziest, horniest video. Yeah. That ever did air. Well, it had Carla Gugino. And it had Felicity.

Yeah, Felicity. It had Felicity. And it had that guy with those lips. Ooh, those lips. And that other guy who ended up on like Third Watch. Guys, I know a lot about this video. I think you've been into gay Arby's a couple times. After describing that.

It had like the worst special effect where the guy he's dreaming of Carla Gugino as we all do. Wow. And he's reaching out to her but she's just a vision in his mind

and his shadow is just like the worst like green screen and like it blocks out her existence and then she fades away. But isn't he just wearing just a

he's wearing just a sheet? Yeah, that's after he... That's after she had sex with the artist guy from Third Watch, I think. And then Mr. Lips came over and burnt it down.

Yes! I'll be there till the stars don't shine, till the and the words don't rhyme. Oh my God. Oh don't rhyme Oh my god Oh my god You guys Why don't you do this?

We do We go to the end of the road Yeah, we go to children's hospitals And we sing My apologies I didn't realize We're way down the wish list Yeah

If John Cena says no If Just singing If Chris Pratt can't show up Way down the wish list. Yeah. Yeah. If John Cena says no. If. Just singing. The kids. If Chris Pratt can't show up with his. Right. Mixtape from the movie. If Johnny Depp doesn't want to show up as Captain Pirate.

Then it's us. Right. I'm an off-brand Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm Captain Pirate. How do you do? Root toot toot. And a tootly toot. But it is Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp as Captain Pirate. As Captain Pirate. Root toot toot and a toodly toot. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, it's the holiday season. Yeah. So whoop-dee-doo. And hickory duck.

And don't forget to hang up your sock. Yesterday, you and I went for lunch. Yep. We recorded last week's episode yesterday, a little behind the curtain there. Yeah. And I've been hearing for weeks about how Graham likes to get this wet sandwich. Oh, man. What?

I get Vancouver's wettest sandwich. Sounds really good. Wow. It's at this Mexican restaurant up the bum around the corner, up the street. And I was honestly expecting it to be wetter. Hold on. Did you say up your bum and around the corner? He certainly did.

Sorry. I didn't get the wettest one. I got the one that was intermediate wet. So what is it on the menu? I got a soggy torta. Yeah, I just got a torta, vegetarian torta, but it comes in. It's already so wet. I don't know what they do to it to make it so wet.

And then they also advertise one that you could get that they pour sauce on it. So it's like drenched in sauce. It's delicious. I don't know why they're so obsessed with just like wet. It's got to be so wet. And does it fall apart in your hands? Yeah, it falls apart everywhere. It goes on your shirt, goes on your pants, goes on the floor.

I didn't even notice it being that wet. I honestly, like, I wasn't that impressed. And then your hands smell like the sandwich for the rest of the day. I know what you're talking about. You're talking about up your butt and around the corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I had, last night, I ordered three shrimp tacos from there.

So freaking good. So wet. And honestly, the onions on my hand smell have just left. It was yesterday, like last night. It's been a full day. Okay. I go there and I get a shrimp taco and a fish taco and the two other whatever. But I always get shrimp and fish.

I don't know which is which. Wait, so okay, you had three shrimp ones. Are they the one, did they have a bunch of cabbage on top? Yes. Okay, those are the shrimp ones. Yes, yes, yes. Good to know. So good though.

I only get those because, look, I'm on record. I don't like that place. You don't? Because everything tastes the same. That's why I get shrimp and fish because they're the two things that aren't like, everything else comes out of the same pot. It's like a general meat. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't ever get anything else but the shrimp tacos. So I wouldn't know. I know I like those. I get the wet sandwich. I say. Do you say wet? Run it under the sink if you have to.

Although there, I mean, there's two Mexican restaurants within a block of each other. Yes. So I like, I really like the shrimp tacos at the other one better. Do you like the ones by the pizza place? Or the ones by the Italian place? Yeah, the ones by the Italian place. Ah, okay, okay.

We're not allowed to say the names of these places because I'm an official spokesman for both of these restaurants, which is, well, can you eat my taco now? Just, if you want to find out which one it is,

go to the phone book. Look under M for moist. Wet. Yeah, moist. Or W.. Wet. Yeah, moist. Just wet. Yeah, wet. It'll say, see moist. You go to the moist section.

And then last night I went up the street and around the corner to my friend Chris Kelly, producer of This Is That, producer of Dexter Guff. Little hottie. Total local hottie. Local hottie with a body he it was his birthday my birthday tomorrow

no big deal at the time of recording not at the time of listening to this so if you want to send me a birthday message it's too late not for me

I gave you a card with five dollars in it with a five dollar bill in it it's a classic Graham gag. But I appreciate it. It was really nice. It's a fun gag. Nobody gets hurt.

Hey, next time, give me five Bitcoins. I don't know how that works. I went to a Bitcoin website and I was like, time to learn about Bitcoin. And it was just all numbers and I was like,

ah, ha, ha. Impenetrable. I do a Bitcoin. I'm a Bitcoin loan spokesman. Oh, so, yeah. I'm the Biddy the Bitcoin flying elf. Oh, my God. I thought I recognized you.

Yeah, I'm redheaded. Good to see your catchphrase. Okay, get the fuck out of here. So, I went to Chris's birthday at a local hipster sports bar. Sure, they only show darts and a pinochle. Hipster sports. I don't know if they'll do, like, I don't know if, it seems to be sports is the theme of this place. But I don't know if they do, like, a UFC, like a real hardcore sports bar would.

They do a vegan FC. Yes. Yes. Yeah. And they have like basketball, like fairground basketball game that you can. Mm-hmm. Sing some hoops. Yeah. I can dunk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not hard for me because I can dunk. I don't think you're supposed to dunk. No, but like I just, it's my reach. You reach. Like I'm just naturally. You just reach over and dunk. I'm naturally an athlete. You know, I beat Shaq at basketball. Oh my reach. You reach. You just reach over and dunk. I'm naturally athletic.

You know, I beat Shaq at basketball. Oh my God. I was inspired by music. Horny music. And so, but I drank four beers. I don't think I drank four beers in a long time. Yeah. I did not feel good this morning.

No. No. You should know your limit. And the baby is sick. And so I was up all night with that so I don't know whether how many beers did she drink last night

she a lot yeah but it's hard to tell because she has little ones yeah and she boots and rallies a lot really

yeah yeah that's why she's in such corruption what's boots and rallies boots blah rally I'm back

oh yeah I'm not into the culture I am I hang out at a lot of sports bars. Me too. And so this morning I was like, okay, I have,

I want to watch something. I can't go back to sleep. Maybe I can watch something that'll make me, that won't take too long and I can just relax. And I watched this documentary called Long Shot.

Okay. About this guy. It's 40 minutes long. It's on Netflix. It's about a guy who is accused of murder. Oh. But he was at a baseball game at the time.

So they go through all the baseball game tapes. The game was on TV. They try to find him. This is a fun way to spend a day. And then they go through all the Jumbotron inside the stadium tapes. And it also happened to be the night that Curb Your Enthusiasm was shooting at the baseball stadium in his section. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What? And so that ends up being his alibi. And, like, Larry David's, you know, in the documentary talking about it. Was it good? Yeah, it was good. That's amazing. I want to watch that. Yeah.

Very cool. But that doesn't even get him off. Like, they had to use other evidence as well. Wow. But you got to see Larry David. Yeah, that's cool. But that doesn't even get them off. They had to use other evidence as well. Wow. But you got to see Larry David. Do you ever think about... You're not... But it was hard to tell if it was real Larry David

or Larry David the character because he was wearing the Larry David character costume. There was a tuba sound everywhere. I often think when I'm alone for a stretch of time, I'm like, boy, I got no alibi for anything. Yeah. Like if something goes down. You think about that all the time?

Not all the time. But sometimes when I'm by myself, I'm like, like it's been hours. If I murder somebody. Yeah. Like nobody can account for my wear and tear for the last like four hours. If I commit a crime, I'm going to have zero alibi. Would watching Netflix continually, would that be an alibi? Because sometimes it'll turn off and say, would you?

Are you still watching? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it won't if you're sitting there watching it. Yeah. How do you check? Can it know if you, like if it's running, is that an alibi? Can you like ping Netflix and say, oh, we have the records. I'm here.

We have the records of this guy. Or, yeah, maybe you know how some people put tape over the camera on their laptop because the government's watching? Does that count as an alibi?

Can the government step in and be like, he was at home. He was jacking off. He should put tape on his... We have tape of him jacking off at this very moment.

Yeah, and then I have to decide, like, do I want to go to jail or do I want my alibi? Well, the thing about that is, I, like, this computer right behind us, I have thought about doing that because like, even Mark Zuckerberg

does it. Like, I saw something, you know, a picture of him at his desk and he has it on his laptop. He has a tape over the camera. I hey and i say enjoy the show but on the other hand i'm like it just screams i'm jacking off yeah yeah yeah it really does what don't you want them to see and you know zuckerberg man oh boy he touches himself a lot yeah yeah yeah he's into algorithms he's into logarithms yeah sure yeah he's into it. Yeah. He's into algorithms.

He's into logarithms. Yeah, sure. Yeah. He's into rhythm nation. He's into Island rhythms. So the other thing that is going on with me is like a couple months ago, I've had my email account for, I don't know,

10 years. Wavy Dave at hotmail.com. Yeah. Wavy Dave 420. Not because I don't know, 10 years. WavyDave at Hotmail.com. Yeah. WavyDave420. Not because I'm into drugs, but there were 419 other WavyDaves. And they only recently

did I start getting spam. And it's incessant and it's like, it has not improved since my first spam experiences on my old email account. It's still English as a second language. It's still way too good to be true. No one's like, you're the beneficiary.

You've been named as a beneficiary and you could get $3,500. It's all like $11 million is waiting for you. So would you click it i always click it you know i do click it because yeah i hate having unread mail well 100 i hate it too but um yeah so it's it's always i like who falls for it sometimes they do sometimes the phishing seems pretty legitimate when they're like you know your password has been tampered with or whatever like click on this thing yeah i also they wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't work with like some regularity it definitely works i remember last time i was here

i was telling you about my cop friend or my brother maybe let's talk we're talking about police officers i have a lot of police officers in my life and one of them was telling me a similar story but just about how like, and unfortunately it happens to be with the older generation because they're not savvy with what's happening. They didn't grow up with emails. So they don't really know how to differentiate between, you know, it's all new to them.

And like, I get it. It makes me feel so sad. And like their grandkids won't email them. So. Well, someone's emailing them. They got to respond. Well, exactly. Yeah.

And they want 11 mil. I know whenever it's going to be like some like thing where you just touch the air and whatever, that's somebody's going to steal my bank. Like two seconds.

I know it. It's coming. Yeah. And there's a lot that are like political that are like, Donald Trump is giving you 11 million dollars.

You've been named by Donald Trump. Well, he's a real guy. You should click on that. Right? Yeah. And he's on the computer a lot. Well, he is. real guy. You should click on that, right? Yeah. And he's on the computer a lot.

Well, he is. Holy crap, is he? Yeah. My thing is not so much like bad spam, but I've just like, I guess at some point I went on a website, eBay, say. And eBay emails me every day, three times a day, telling me that there's some deal. And I was like, but what kind of website do you think you are, eBay? Who do you think you are, eBay? You're not somebody to offer deals.

You're an aggregate of people putting their junk online. You don't give me 10% off. Yeah, yeah. The person who is bidding against me hopefully does. Every day. off yeah yeah the person who is bidding against me hopefully does every day with it but like you know like i bought honestly the last time i bought something on ebay was probably like four years ago i can't remember the last time i bought something off ebay i used to buy knockoff sunglasses that never that didn't fold but they were like the big like like dolce gabbana sunglasses that take over literally from your chin to your forehead, but they don't put the arms, so the arms

don't fold. It doesn't matter. It does matter. I get a lot of emails from stores that are like, you put something in your cart, but you never bought it. And I'm like, yeah. I left it because I didn't want it. I kind of wanted to see what shipping would cost to Canada, and it's $80.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, boy. Oh boy. Do you guys know anybody that has a mailbox in the States that gets stuff shipped to it? Oh, I know. Do I know somebody who does that? We used to do that. You got to lean on that.

But, well, my brother lives in Seattle. Oh, amazing. Does he come up here a lot? No. Oh, cool. Whoops. Okay, next topic. Sorry.

No, he used to. And we used to visit them a lot, but it's like everyone now has kids that are like, his kids are like 10, so. And your kids drink beer. That's true. Yeah, and so they can't take a shift driving. But you go down to visit them and the kids all have like, you know, soccer and, you know, Girl Scouts and whatever going on all weekend. But everything costs a million dollars as well. Don't ever let your kids in dance, by the way.

Oh, really? Do you know how much dance costs? What? Oh, my God. It's just shoes. It's just the body. It's outfits. It's outfits.

It's like the dazzle for hundreds of dollars. I sew. Do you? Yeah. So you think you'd make a nice dress? Or whatever it may be. Yeah, leotard, unitard, semi-tard. What's your specialty?

Unitards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm like, I, I, you know, majored in tards. I get it. Yeah. I've heard of that. In grade school. But Abby did that for a while.

Yeah. She used to make. She made, no, she made dancing outfits. Oh, no way. And she like specialized in tutus. Yeah. Actually. For real.

Wow. For, for, they would do, you know, costumes for plays. And then like someone who was in a dance contest would need, you know, my daughter's in this dance contest, make her a tutu. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. Well, she would know. I just know that I dated somebody whose, whose nieces were in dance and it was like astronomical

like prices. Yeah. It's not like soccer or like, like hockey is probably pretty expensive because of the equipment and stuff. But like dance is like, I think it's even more. It's insane. I don't know what it is. It's the fees and the clothes and the trips and like competitions everywhere.

Oh, yeah. The competition. That's really where they get you too. Because then you're, then it's a hotel and it's a drive. It's gas money. You're taking other kids and you're inevitably playing for their asses to eat. Oh, boy. Yeah, you're taking them all to're inevitably playing for their asses to eat oh boy you're taking them

all to gay Arby's you're all going to gay Arby's the thing the weird thing about hockey especially is now especially goalies

it's so expensive for goalie equipment that any professional goalie now is a rich kid yeah like it's all someone who

what a cool club to be a part of yeah exactly that's a pretty cool the rest of the team is flying in coach and only the goalie thank you nice work i'll be performing that at the burn ward oh no oh no boy. Graham, what's up with you this Christmas time? This Christmas time, last weekend, I went out to the Orpheum. Oh. It is having its 90th anniversary.

This was an event for the building? For the building and for the society, what keeps it running. Okay, so were all the people from the Orpheum Hall of Fame there? event for the building for for the building and for the society what keeps it running okay so we're all the people from the the orpheum hall of fame there yeah yeah yeah victor borga victor borga was there ravine bob hope was there uh phyllis diller was there uh nana muscuri nana muscuri was there um uh chicken dinner was there he was a famous vaudeville comedian. This time of year, by the way. Yeah.

Nana Muscuri. Hell of a Christmas album. Oh, yeah. So this, what they did, they had like, so I guess the Orpheum way back when, when they showed movies, it had like an organ that people would play along with the silent movies and they have like one of the people or an organist uh yeah no just people from the general public give it a try to see if you can make this thing work but uh the original organ is still there and it's still got all its original parts you still have your original organ? Mm-hmm. And you got that third teat. Yes, I do. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

But I didn't know that existed in there. Like, the pipes are all built into the wall. And so it was like a lot of speeches. I thought it was going to be more entertainment and less speeches. Why did you? This was a. This was like an event that you buy tickets to. Oh.

Yeah. And so there was. And you bought tickets? Yeah, yeah. Because I wanted to see, they had like a vaudeville troupe that did tap dancing. When you said dancing was expensive, that was the first thing I thought of. I was like, how much would tap juice cost? Probably a lot.

Probably. And then they brought out a guy who was like, this this organ's really old and we're giving it a certificate. And I was like, ah, that's the most boring thing in the world. Uh. Did the organ give a speech? Ba-da-da-da-da-da. John. But then they brought out this old lady who, and they showed her picture when she was, you know, in her twenties.

And she used to be the resident organist for when they played movies there. Wow. She was six years old when the theater opened. Okay. So she's 96 now. She's 96. Holy crap. She was there?

Yeah. They, she like. What did she. Delicately brought her out on stage. Yeah. And then we were like, what is going to happen? And then they delicately like put her on the bench for the organ. Was she...

Was she at a cane? Two helpers. She was very tiny, very frail. 96. Wow. Sat down at the organ and played so fast and so well. She played like a big medley

and it was so crazy. And. She played like a big medley and it was like, it was so crazy. And she's so tiny. Maybe it's like an act. Like she's pretending to be old. Like in the Prestige. Like that dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.

Oh, yeah. That's insane. Does Venga Bus ever show up? No, no, no. That route doesn't go there anymore. Boy, this is a silly episode. So then she finishes standing ovation, of course. no no no that route doesn't go there anymore boy this is a silly episode so so then she finishes

standing ovation of course of course and then they bring out a guy from I guess like the hall of fame

something something hall of fame maybe the whatever and he talks forever and she's sitting on the bench and her

she's got tiny little legs she looks like a Muffet she's sitting there I don't think she knew this was gonna happen so she's like where is legs. She looks like a Muppet. She's sitting there. I don't think she knew this was going to happen. So she's like, where is my help? They just left her hanging out. That's awful.

During the speech. And then they inducted her into the hall. Oh. And, uh. Cool. But it was just like, it was so long. She's just hanging out. Yeah.

And then the next guy that came out to play. Were tickets free? No, free no no no this was they weren't expensive though uh the next guy that came out he played to the mickey mouse uh movie steamboat willie right but he sat down this is a bad event he sat down on the bench and the bench doesn't move it's all one piece. The organ. Oh, cool. So he sits down and like her, it was perfect for her because she's like super tiny. But him, his butt hung over the edge and it looked like two ripe tomatoes.

Oh, it was the best. Was he wearing red pants? Yeah. He was dressed like Mickey Mouse. It was the best. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He was wearing overalls? He was wearing red pants, wait, wait. He was wearing overalls?

He was wearing red pants and a black shirt and he was wearing the ears and then he came out and he sat down. Did he have white gloves? No, no, he didn't have white gloves.

But he sat down and it was just like two perfect tomatoes. Yeah, it was oh, it was the best. Sounds like a nice night. Yeah, it was really nice. And then, yeah,

there was vaudeville routines and then they showed a Buster Keaton movie. Yep. Great. I love it. And you were free to go. Free, it was really nice. And then, yeah, there was vaudeville routines and then they showed a Buster Keaton movie. Yep. Great. I love it. And you were free to go. Free to go at any time.

So like you could, you weren't chained to your seat? No, no, no, no, no. I mean, sure there were, were there ghosts there wearing chains? Absolutely.

Of course. Was there a little kid in a backpack? Yeah, yeah. Now you'll notice. I have two straps. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm a two strap guy now

so yeah that's what's new with me well that was cool yeah you know what I feel like we're talking so fast and so much time it's like

it's not getting us anywhere like we're running out of time but you know what it's time for yeah I think it's time for our annual Christmas secret Santa

gift exchange yeah play the theme Annual Christmas Secret Santa Gift Exchange. Yeah. Play the theme. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I drew Dave. Okay. Yeah. And I don't want you to feel left out. I mean, I kind of do. No, no, no. It's sad now. I brought enough for all. The backpack ghost.

Yeah, yeah. Actually. Well, how do you want to do? How do you want to do this? Oh, I'm easy. Okay. First, before I give you your present, we got a gift sent in to us by a listener. Okay.

And it fit the Christmasmas theme so i held on to it for a couple of days and boy is it weird i'll read the thing this is from uh marnie from san diego oh hi marnie dearest dave and graham long time listener first time gift giver i oversaw this on the internet and couldn't resist be careful not to tear it in two in your excitement to put it on the tree so So you know it's a decoration, but it is the craziest decoration I've ever seen in my life. Oh,

my. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What is that? So it is a, okay, it's called December Diamonds. It's all about the bling. It is a man. Yeah. With a six pack of ab muscles of ab muscles he's pulling up his shirt yeah and he is his bottom half is the canadian flag but is also a whale whale oh yeah

what yeah it does have a fin so his bottom half is a whale's tail that's a Canadian flag. And he's holding a hockey stick and it says one world, one ocean, let's protect it. My goodness. Who the hell made this? This is the only one they sold. Marnie, you are keeping this company alive.

This is the December Diamonds. They do a good business. They do a good trade. 11 months a year they do. They take December off because they've earned it. Marnie do a good business. They do a good trade. What? 11 months a year, they do. They take December off because they've earned it. Marnie's got good taste. Yeah. She saw it and had to have it. I can't open it.

Oh, stronghold. Oh, there it goes. Oh, now I see it. There's a big fin at the end. Yeah. Okay. It's big. This is a big decoration, and it is sexy af oh all right wow

oh and it's shiny too and he's wearing a gold medallion yeah why well because he won the gold medal for whale hockey oh it all makes sense now it's so crazy oh and he has a beard oh dear okay i just can you guys are you going to take a picture of this? Oh yeah, of course. Wow. I have to get my camera out of the shop.

But yeah, he's got shiny hair as well. It's not shiny, it's glitter. Sparkly, yeah, glitter.

Wow. Wow. Super cool. May I see this? Oh, it's heavy. Yeah, it is.

It's going to fall. It's bad for the tree. Also, his beard is totally just like drawn on with a pen. Yeah, he's. It's going to fall. It's bad for the tree. Also, his beard is totally just like drawn on with a pen. Yeah, he's a figurine. Okay, sorry. He didn't grow it.

You know what I mean, though? Like a literal pen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does that make sense? So that's a fun little. It's bigger than expected. His medallion is a penny, I think. Oh. A Canadian think. Oh.

A Canadian penny. Weird. What's this part of the stick? What kind of hockey stick is this? Yeah, it's maybe a goalie stick, but maybe this guy's one of those rich kids. And he has diamonds across the top. This is the most effed up thing I've ever seen in my life. It's got so many elements at play.

Wow. It's something else. I wonder how much it cost. It's priceless. elements at play. Wow. It's something else. I wonder how much it cost. It's priceless. Oh, yeah. Good answer. One of a kind. Good answer.

Oh, do you want to do, who's first? Well, let me give Amy first. Oh. Okay, yeah. I thought I got that ornament. No, that's all right. That's messed up. There you go.

It's talking for you. Oh, thank you. And I just want to say, have a holly jolly one Yeah yeah yeah I tried to fill it just like How like a parent would fill it With some things that are Christmas And other things that are just things

Do you want me to say what's in here? Well first of all do I get to keep this stocking? You get to keep the whole thing This is sparkly as well it says have a holly jolly Christmas Thank you So you got some chocolate Santas. I'm pulling out some horny Santa Claus. Yeah. What's horny about them? Well, look

at his face. Yeah. Play all day. Gloves? Yeah, that are for texting. You can text with those gloves. Oh my god, their text gloves is the best. See, that seems like something a parent would put in. I'll text with those. They're women's for my delicate hands.

What's this? Oh, my God. What is this? That's a delicate separator. Thank you so much. A little like. Wow. Kind of a little mesh bag to put your things in the washing machine.

Yeah, in the washing machine. I love it. I love it so much. Yeah. Wow. Mesh bags allow suds to washing machine. I love it. I love it so much. Yeah. Wow. Mesh bags allow suds to rinse easily. I've been looking for this. I've been saying that for years.

Well, I totally understand that. What's this? Black balls. It's coal. Coal. Fun coal. Hey. Yeah.

Is this chocolate coal? I think so. Shit, you know me well. Love it, man. Is this dollar store coal? Tape. Scotch tape? Yeah. Oh, my mom puts that in gift in

the stocking every day she's done with wrapping presents she's like i don't want this any more just half a roll of scotch tape usually this one's new yeah brand new yeah there's so many things i could tape things to yeah absolutely favorite delicates in there. More Chonix. Yeah, those ones are like those ones are crispy ones and the other one are caramel ones. Oh my god. I love both. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays to you.

A diamond fisherman to you. This was too much. Thank you so much. I'm actually really happy about this. And then Dave. Yeah, give it to me. This is yours. Poorly wrapped. I mean. I'm actually really happy about this. And then Dave. Yeah, give it to me. This is yours. Poorly wrapped. I mean, I'm not good at wrapping.

Aw, you're good. You're good at freestyle wrapping. Hey, Donald Trump. Donald Trump. Why are you being such a crazy grump? Oh, okay. Uh-oh. It seems to be a mug.

Yeah, it's a mug for sure. to be a mug. Yeah, it's a mug for sure. You wrote a tweet about having a mug made that had this on it. So then I was like, I am filing that away. So what was my tweet about

instead of having a mug that says, World's Greatest Dad, it's a mug of the Shabba Ranks single best baby father well that is wonderful oh that is priceless yeah yeah and it says on the back it's a merry christmas 2017 well i love hot beverages yeah this is one of two gifts. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, I'm so excited. This is a, I think, a Big Bang Theory T-shirt. Never underestimate a woman who watches the Big Bang Theory and was born in September. New. This is my new portrait shirt. Love it. When I get portraits done, this is the shirt I'm going to wear. They're looking so, he looks so stern, Sheldon.

Well, the whole universe is in a hot, dense state these days. I love it. Is Sheldon, oh, he's wearing a green lantern in that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's normally a flash. Sometimes he loves the flash. Sometimes he loves green lantern. He's a multifaceted character. He's young.

He's old. He's Sheldon. Yeah. He's a bitch. He's a lover. He's a child. He's a multifaceted character. He's young. He's old. He's Sheldon. Yeah. He's a bitch. He's a lover. He's a child. He's a mother. Now, I don't know if I've done this before.

No, no. Explain. A lot of couples will, instead of giving each other a pricey present, they'll make some sort of sexy romantic coupons for each other. Yes. So I made some of these for you. Oh, here we go. Secret Santa Christmas coupons. It's a good thing I got you in Secret Santa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should read these out? Yeah. Yep. First one, good for one romantic picnic. Aw. And then the next one is good for one romantic bubble bath together any morning

before work. That is so, that's a specific A lot of people like a nighttime bubble bath, but I think, you know,

let's get this over with. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. In, out. Good for one candlelit dinner. Mm-hmm. Good for one

candlelit arson. Whoops. Present this coupon and we'll reenact that scene from La La Land where they're eating good for one candlelit arson. Whoops. Present this coupon and we'll reenact that scene from La La Land where they're eating in a diner and then they get up and start dancing to jazz and a bunch of flamingos come in and they're dancing too. And all the waitresses and customers start doing acrobatic tumbles and a neon sun rises and sets and rises and sets. I haven't seen this movie.

I assume that's what happens. Cash that one in right now. It seems like that's what they do. Good for some sexy slender men play. Good for one night on the town. Drinks are on me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Splash.

Literally. That was more of a whoa, whoa, whoa. I hate to give you a line reading. No, whoa, whoa. Splash. Literally. That was more of a whoa, whoa, whoa. I hate to give you a line reading. No, no, but you were right. You've been named in a paternity suit. Go back three spaces and lose a turn. I think that's maybe from a board game. Whoops.

Maybe it's the game of life. Present this coupon to steal one wish from a child in need. Maybe you can meet Shaq. Yeah. Or Chris Hemsworth or Pratt. There are a lot of good wishes in there. That was actually a pretty good one. Present this coupon and we'll play a naughty game like Wolfenstein or Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball.

That's the one with the sexy ladies playing volleyball. It's not for kids. Fancy ladies playing volleyball? Not. It's not for kids. Good for one romantic night of pampering and re-pampering as you soil yourself again and again forever. What kind of pampering is happening to make him soil himself? Well, I'm putting on diapers.

Yeah. Okay. Got it. This coupon is so fat when it pens over, it's void where prohibited. Good for 30 minutes of Ural sex. Was that a typo? No, the Urals are a remote mountain range in Russia, and the people there will take good care of

ye olde shlongola. Ye olde shlongola. Read it right, Grant. Sorry, I do need line reading sometimes. We really should rehearse these. Yeah. Present this coupon and tonight we'll do some sub-dom play.

You go to Subway and I'll order Domino's. I like that one. I feel like that's a solid joke. Yeah, that is a really solid joke. I mean, amongst some very solid jokes. I know, but that's like an all-timer. Yeah. Absolutely.

Your own joke is an all-timer. An all-timer. Yeah. Absolutely. Your own joke is an all-timer. Present this coupon and I'll stand outside your window holding a boombox playing Lump by Presidents of the United States of America. It's our song. Hold this coupon up to your mouth and breathe on it to reveal a secret message. In brackets, your breath stinks.

How many more? One more. Okay. This coupon won't leave you when you lose your job and don't have a dollar to your name. This coupon won't make you sleep on the couch if you make eyes at one of its friends. This coupon won't tell you to turn off the big game when it's time to watch Dr. Quinn Medicine. Are we still watching?

It's a chick show. Because this coupon is for men. It's a man thing. So man up and raise a frosty mug of beer to your real friend This coupon Yeah And that is the Secret Santa Christmas Coupons 2017 Alright you guys Ho ho ho

And a dippily do To every one of you And happy holidays We'll see you next year But first We'll see you next week, but first, we'll see you next week, but first, let's do Overheard.

Hey, readers. All of you bookworms, comic geeks, library junkies, literary fiction lovers, bibliophiles, and nerds. Want to get more

out of your reading life? Listen to Reading Glasses. I'm Bria Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Mara. We want to help you read better. Join us every Thursday on Maximum Fun's new podcast where we talk about book culture and solve your reader problems.

Reading Glasses will teach you how to vanquish your to-be-read pile, connect with other readers, and get more reading into your busy day. No matter what you read or how you read it, we'll help you do it better. That's cute. We'll help you do it better. That's cute.

Following the news is hard and it sucks. How do you know which stories are important? Which sources do you trust in this post-truth world of reactionary journalism? I'm Brent Black. And I'm Travis McElroy. And we host a podcast called Trends Like These. We cover trending news stories. We debunk misleading clickbait headlines.

And we always try to throw in a little bit of good news. In our quest for truth. So join us every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there, and then we report them back here on the old podcast. We always like to start with the guest. Amy, if you would.

Okay, sure. So my Overheard is from a long, long time ago, and it's about, it's not really a long story, but it's a pretty good story. So when I was in grade eight, I didn't sort of transfer over from an elementary school. Like all my friends went to a different high school and I went to this small little private- Where are you from? North Van.

Okay. North Vancouver. Yeah. So I went to a tiny little private Catholic school. This little lesbian went there. That's a whole nother story, but anyhow. This little lesbian of mine. This little lesbian of mine.

So, I was sitting in the cafeteria by myself because I didn't know anybody. I remember this very clearly. And I was kind of sitting close to this girl who was talking to another girl. And she was talking about how she had hooked up with this guy over the summertime, which is actually also kind of really uncomfortable because we were like 12 years old. Tell me more. Tell me more. Like, did he have a horse? Did he have a cold sore?

So, she's, like, talking to, like, this, and it was all so good. She's one of my good friends now, so she kind of talks like this, and she has this very feminine voice. And she was, like, yeah, so hooked up with, you know, so-and-so. And we were, like, getting hot and heavy, and, and heavy and like it was really like having so much fun and we were like hitting all the bases and like all the stuff I'm sitting there like you know oh my god what is this what amazing not moving eating my you know tuna sandwich that my mom made me and so she's like and I just you know all of a sudden we were making out and we were making out so hard and it was like you know, it's like, it's making out like so hard. And all of a sudden my tooth fell out in his mouth.

Are you okay? Yeah. I was like, like this part of the story, like it was so, you know, like early, early hot and horn. And then all of a sudden her tooth fell out her fucking tooth falls out in his mouth because i didn't have any vitamin c all summer i'm not feeling very well so her tooth falls out in his mouth and i guess it was like well what did you do and she said that the girl was like oh my god what did you do she's like i said hey give me that back so she took it back and they continued to make out and i swallowed it no he didn't think

god but he was like basically choked on it like essentially and then she said and that girl's one of my good friends and she would take out she would play it was a front tooth that she had moved it was an adult tooth so she would take it out to make me laugh sometimes. It was one of her front two teeth. Oh my God. I had a friend who had one that was, I guess when she had a retainer, maybe it was a he, I forget. I only remember the retainer.

Right. But the tooth was stuck in the retainer, like just because they wouldn't buy it, like while we're having your teeth straightened. We'll figure out this other tooth later. Yeah, totally. But they would keep it in there and take out the retainer and there'd be teeth on it yeah i had a friend like that in college who had that who had three teeth but he was like actually i probably shouldn't talk about this but like i didn't care like it didn't make me

think anything less like whatever you're just everybody has different things with their bodies and whatever but he was so embarrassed by it but he used to play with it he would take it in and out with his tongue and like play with it during class and I'd be like, I can see that you're fucking, some of your teeth are on that retainer and it's cool

and he would be like, no, no, no. No, I don't. They're not. They're really in there but anyways. I just wanted him to tell the truth. It's all good.

He was semi-shamed. He was semi-shamed but he would play with it. Anyways. Okay, so like, my worry was that like this is young making out I don't know when you lose your last tooth

Oh no no no It was like a tooth I think it had been knocked out As a child and maybe I don't really know how that Science goes through teeth Oh so there wasn't blood It was

No sorry It was a falsie Sorry I should back up It was a falsie That wasn't That she could take in and out Right So it hadn't been permanently

whatever that was. Because in my head, they kept making out both with their mouths covered in blood. It was extra wet. It was extra sloppy. If you're 12, you're making out for the first time, you don't know what to do. Are you supposed to bleed in my mouth?

I've heard there's a girl thing with bleeding. I don't know what it is. Did I do something wrong or something very, very right? I can't see her smiling if we're making out. It's fine. Split it aside and keep going. Why so serious? I really, like, the first time that I made out with a girl,

I really had no idea what I was doing. I was going 100% just on what I had seen in movies. It's awful. Yeah. No way in hell anybody has a first, I remember my first kiss. It was disgusting. And they show it in movies for like five seconds. Yeah.

You have to keep kissing this person. Yeah. And. Yeah. I don't know if I'm any good at it now. No. Neither do I. There's no way to any good at it now. No. Neither do I. There's no way to know.

You can't. Yeah. Because the people who are reviewing you are often people who are, they'll embellish if you're bad. They'll say, yeah, no, it's great. Or they'll tell everyone how bad you are. Oh, yeah. My reputation as a smooching bandit. It's a good smoocher.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He moves his tongue around. What's he supposed to do? Yeah. No, it's supposed to just lie there. One of you sticks out your tongue, and the other one just rests their tongue on top of it. But do you know what I did once?

What? Oh, God. All right, let me just tell you. One time. We didn't say anything. I did a lot of men in my Catholic private school days. Sure. One of the guys I was dating.

AJ, Howie, Kevin. Yeah. Nick. The other one. Yeah. Brian B. Rock Littrell. Mm-hmm. This guy named Alvaro, actually.

He was Spanish. And I was so nervous. And at this time, I was like, framing myself as it was fine. It was all good. And I- It's fine now. Right. Okay. No, I framing myself. It was fine. It was all good. It's fine now. Right. Okay.

No, I appreciate it. Everyone can do whatever they want. Right. I'm sorry. Yes, absolutely. Your teeth can fall. It doesn't matter. So I was kind of nervous.

And we were just not on the same page. It was really him. But also, I was a little bit nervous. And at one point, he opened his mouth so wide. And we were both that I kissed inside of his mouth. I went, his mouth was open. I just went, just fucking kissed in his mouth. And you heard the echo come back.

And then I had to be like, okay, I gotta go. I gotta go. Rehinge your jaw, Alvaro. I just kissed into the abyss. Yeah. It was very weird. Anyhow, that's my, that abyss. Yeah, it was very weird. Anyhow, that's me. Yeah, yeah.

There's no instruction manual. Well, maybe there is, but I didn't read it. No. I just winged it. I winged it on the night. I don't know how to do it. What the hell is kissing anyways? You rub your tongue.

Who the hell made up? Who made up kissing? Well, the tongue thing, I'll tell you. The French. Oh, right. Absolutely. Well, fair enough. And the nose thing. That was the the french no right absolutely well fair enough and the nose thing oh that was the inuit yeah yeah yeah okay thank you sorry i've got a stupid question

thank you guys uh dave do you have an over yeah i overheard this guy say give me the wettest sandwich you got and they were like muy muy wet, wedo. Yeah, yeah. Liquido, liquido. Andale. This is one that is not my overheard. It's an overheard of my wife's. I only have the one. How many? I overheard my wife overhear this, other wife of mine.

Okay, there we go. And no, she was in the grocery store, and there was someone kind of talking to themselves. Yeah. We keep pluralizing things. She didn't know if he had an earpiece in

that he was talking to someone on, and then just kind of walking around the produce aisle and picked up a cucumber and apparently wasn't talking to anyone, just himself and said, oh, English cukes look like shit. That's nice. I'm surprised cuke hasn't caught on anymore.

Yeah, cuke's cute. Yeah, I like the cuke. Yeah. Do you have any cuke water? hasn't caught on anymore yeah cuke cuke's cute yeah do you have any cuke water yeah it's really cukey can I get a cuke

with that cocktail a cuke-tail they are nice though in a cocktail a little cucumber yes they are

they really are refreshing oh my gosh I went to my a partner of mine wow I'm having a few partners myself

this is a truthful podcast yeah one of my partners I went to a partner of mine. Wow, I'm having a few partners myself. This is a truthful podcast. One of my partners, I went to one of their work events, and they had free cocktails. And they were having, this is a really stupid story, but they had a cucumber, a cuke drink that was free. And it was so free. It was just the cuke alone made it so refreshing. It was so good. Yeah, yeah. I like it in a gin and soda.

Are you guys cocktail drinkers? Yeah. Do's so good. Yeah, yeah. I like it in a gin and soda. Are you guys cocktail drinkers? Yeah. Do you make cocktails? I, like I don't measure things out. Right. But do you, like at home, would you make like a nice cocktail for yourself? Yeah. Yeah?

I'm not, but I like to, I like to order them, some of them, but I've never made one for myself at home. I drink beer at home. What's your go-to? Like a cocktail? Like if you're ordering a cocktail, yeah. I like a whiskey sour. Oh yeah. Yeah. I like the egg white. Oh yeah. Yeah. I've beer at home. What's your go-to? Like a cocktail? Like if you're ordering a cocktail, yeah. I like a whiskey sour. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I like the egg white.

Oh, yeah. Like that, yeah. I've never had one. Ooh. Freaky, if that freaky egg white. Ooh. Yeah. I used to, I made a thing for Earl's once.

Oh, yes. I think I remember you telling me about that. And they, I had to go to talk to their head bartender, and he taught me how to make an old-fashioned the way they make it. Cool. And I got all the same ingredients that they use, and I'll do that from time to time. It's like getting a personal trainer, and then you just know the exercises. Yeah. Cocktail trainer.

Yeah. Really good. Cock trainer. No, sorry. No, you were right. And Graham, your drink of choice? Oh, I'm just, you know, just a simple. Straight up whiskey.

Yeah, just a whiskey on the rock. Really? Real simple. Can't do it. Somebody at this, I was at this office recently and they were like, come on. It was an old boys club, whatever. It was cool. And they were like, stay for a cup of whiskey.

And I was like, oh fuck. Okay. It was like one of those things that like I couldn't leave. And so I had to drink for me and no offense, like we're all just different palates. It was really hard for me. Yeah. No offense,

Graham. No offense, Graham, but what the hell? You know, what's weird is I went to a place once that gave, uh, instead of ice,

they put the cold stones, like whiskey. Like the Dreamery? Yeah, cold stones, and they poured whiskey all over it. How'd it go? Then they put score bar in it. Yeah. And I really didn't like it.

I really like having the water slowly kind of mix with the whiskey. I remember when I was like 22, 23, a bunch of my friends were like, we're going to go to a bar, but first let's go to so-and-so's apartment. Hey, you want a whiskey? And it was the worst. I was like, are you guys pretending you like this? We were teenagers a moment ago.

Don't you remember getting shit mixes? My friend Ava, my best friend Ava, we would go to her house because my parents didn't have a lot of alcohol. My dad doesn't drink and my mom drank wine and like we weren't into wine. Right. My friend Ava, her parents had this full liquor cabinet and full, like always had everything. So we'd get water bottles and like, I know this is like everybody's story, but like,

or can you relate? It should be my question. We would pour everything and down it. I didn't drink any alcohol until I was of age. Oh, really? everything and down it i didn't drink any alcohol until i was of age oh really and so i never i i like only ever like experimented by asking for you know asking a bartender make me something fun and fruity i drank dave's share as well as my own yeah leading up to legal age you drank a lot oh did you so i feel like i did too yeah at least every weekend yeah

yeah yeah yeah in like grade like 10 11 10 11 12 yeah yeah and uh yeah the swamp mix we call it yeah yeah yeah it was disgusting it was disgusting and then once in a while somebody would get something that their parents had got as like a retirement gift or some like weird beverage, like, like creme de banana or whatever. And you're like, I guess we're just going to like, what were their parents retiring from?

They were given creme de banana. From the Chiquita Banana Plant. It was the biggest employer in Calgary. Oh boy. So we got you. My mom used to work at the Pedialyte factory. So rum and Pedialytes for everyone. Graham, do you have an overheard?

Mine is an overheard, overseen. It was a real moment myself and a cashier had. I was at the dollar store, and i was standing behind a woman who was buying now this like this dollar store everything in there real reasonably priced okay go on that's what i love about it the dollar store like that refers to the currency yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what they accept let's cross the street from the Bitcoin store. Oh, boy. And the lady in front of me was buying a pack of batteries. The total came to like $1.70. And then she was like, the last time I was here was $1.54.

And I was like, oh, brother. You're going to be there for a while. Yeah, yeah. And then the cashier goes, oh oh it's a new tax on batteries it's like a cent or two cents per battery or whatever it was and then the woman just stares at her and i was like she's not gonna change the price if you just make this difficult and then she communicates with her friend who's standing on the other side and now they're talking back and forth about the price of this battery and uh i looked up

at the ceiling like well what have i done yeah what have i done to someone rapture me and when i looked down the cashier was laughing because she caught me in the moment of like oh good grief so yeah we made eyes it was it was a, it was a nice cathartic moment. Yeah. That, I mean, it sucks that, like, 16 cents makes a difference for that person. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But also, like, I've never bought batteries and thought I wasn't overpaying. Like, every time I buy batteries, I'm like, is this a good place to buy batteries?

They're so expensive. Am I getting raked over the coals here? The number of batteries that were in the package for it to be under $2 was insane. Really? Yeah, like the fact that she wasn't going in to be like

this made my product explode. Yeah. These are wet. Why are your batteries so wet? And it was literally within like cents. It was like 20 cents cheaper previously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

And, you know, it was like, I don't know. I don't know what she thought the cashier was going to do. Yeah, like, okay, well, we'll honor that today. It's the dollar store. We'll make it a little cheaper for you here at the dollar store. Our policy is nostalgia. If you can remember a better price, we will match it. We'll match it.

You can remember. I love it. Get back in that memory bank. Yeah, so it's just like, I don't know. And I mean, you know what? I think with batteries, it's maybe you get what you pay for. Think if you're buying 16 batteries for under $2. They're not going to be great.

Totally. And you know what else is cool about that story? How about like stranger connections? Yeah. I love that you had that moment. I always love that. Don't you love when you connect with a stranger even just for a second? Like last night, I went to that Mexican restaurant when I picked up my shrimp tacos.

And this guy and I was like, it's like a shit show parking lot it's terrible like oh my god and so i'm waiting i'm kind of hating this car i'm hating this car and then finally this car puts on his four ways and just stops and i'm mad at him but then we end up crossing pass and at the same time but we both go holy holy shit, what a shit show. Had a laugh and a high five and then a leave. And it was kind of like, I love a little stranger connection. You know? We're all the same. We're just bags of garbage. We're all just bags of garbage.

With dingleberries. Yeah, well, you don't show them unless you have to. Now, we also have overheards sent in. If you want to send us in an overheard, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Julie C. Julie. I'm at the National Council of Teachers of English Conference. Couldn't there be a...

Like, that sounds like it was come up with by an English as a Second Language student. In St. Louis, and our convention center has been taken over by a gaggle of tiny cheerleaders who are wearing more makeup than i've ever owned in my lifetime uh while i was sitting and doing some grading a group of cheer parents put their stuff on the table i'm at and i watched a woman pour a can of pepsi into her coffee mug and then top top that coffee mug full of pepsi off with an impressive amount of airplane bottles of vodka. Oh, wow.

The man she was with said, isn't it a little early for that, Dawn? To which he replied, it's five o'clock somewhere, and took a big loud sip. It was 9 a.m. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Eight time zones away. I mean, if you're a cheer parent, you're hearing a lot of, yeah, and there's too much.

I think if I was a cheer parent, I would be shit-faced all the time. I bet you that's expensive. Especially on a day when you're like, we're at a convention center. I don't have to drive today. Oh, no. I got a long time till I have to drive the kids home. I got a whole day's worth of this. We're staying at the hotel across the street.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to get blitzed. I'm going to get blitzed while the kids home. I got a whole day's worth of this. We're staying at the hotel across the street. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get blitzed. I'm going to get blitzed while the kids go in the sauna. That would explain some of the parents when I was a kid and I had to go to my brother's

lacrosse tournament. It was always drunk parents. Yeah. And I was like, but they don't even serve alcohol here. So there was people that must have been drinking in the bar across the street and then coming over. Yeah, a lot of friends who had functioning alcoholic parents, for sure. But we just thought they were cool.

Like we could drink at their house. I prefer you drink here. Yeah, it's cool. I do think it's cool. Like they're functioning. I mean, everything's okay. Yeah. They're having a nice time.

They're riding that line, but you know. Ah. You know. They're still good parents. They were still good parents, I should say. Keeping it crispy. Yeah, keeping it crispy. That's cool.

That's very cool. I came over there. Yeah, loving it. I read it in a book. Hey, right on. This next one comes from Patrick K. from Chicago, Illinois. A friend of mine was trying to cite Ralph Waldo Emerson's famous quotation, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

And he must have gotten tongue-tied or just confused because he instead declared, in all sincerity, variety is the god of all graham crackers. What? Hang on. Hold up. Come again? We were talking about hobgoblins last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin. We don't know what a hobgoblin is. It's a variation on a goblin. Okay. Yeah, and we think a goblin is probably kind of a ghosty guy with four legs. Yeah, no, no, no. Two legs and two hands. Yeah, two.

Like he's a humanoid. Right. Some kind of horns and like. Okay, yeah. What do you think a goblin is? A goblin. Yeah. No, no, no. Two legs and two hands. Yeah, do it. Like he's a humanoid. Right. Some kind of horns and like. Okay, yeah. What do you think a goblin is? A goblin? Yeah. Like a scary, like maybe he's like a little overweight, like wet and like has a big tongue

and like little arms and hands probably. Yeah, probably. Is that right? Probably right. He's wet. He's overweight and wet with a big tongue. He has a big tongue. Am I right though? You are right. He's wet. He's overweight and wet with a big tongue. He has a big tongue. Am I right now?

Am I close? Okay. He's overweight. He's wet. I think that should be a thing we do on the show. Every week we ask, what do you think a goblin is? That's a good question.

It is. It unifies us all. It's one of those, it's one of those like, Proust questionnaire things what's your favorite curse word and what's a goblin when are you happiest

what's a goblin this last one comes from Chuck O in New York City one of my one of the kids playgrounds at Central Park with my one year old

and I overheard a dad with his probably three to four year old son next to us. This is so this is back and forth between the dad and the boy. Dad, how do you get that mark on your face? That boy over there hit me. Why did he hit you?

Because I was blocking the tunnel. I'm going to go teach him a lesson. No, only his mommy or daddy can teach him a lesson. We don't teach other people lessons. Only mommies and daddies. Now the boy quieter and clenching his fist. I'm going to teach him a lesson. The dad, what did I just say, Jackson?

We don't do that. And then the boy just mouthing the word this time. A lesson. I love it. He needed to teach that kid a lesson. He's going to teach that kid a lesson. He. I love it. He needed to teach that kid a lesson. He's going to teach that kid a lesson.

He held true to it. That kid need to get taught. And that was the tiny teacher. And he knew it. He knew his role. Classes and sessions. Listen, some kids

know their roles and he knew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a boy in Margo's preschool who sometimes pushes her. Oh, I don't like this boy. And at first i was like

like and she would tell me and i would i'm powerless i'm like i'm like yes please tell me yeah i can't always do something about it but just so you know that's bad and he's bad and then abby was like you really shouldn't be telling her that other people are bad. And I'm like, okay. So I've eventually over a few weeks of, and what's new with this boy this week? Did he push you? No. Oh, well, he's slowly learning to be nicer. Yeah.

Like maybe he hasn't learned to be nice yet. Well, if you haven't learned it, if you've learned anything from this story, you should be telling her to teach him a lesson. Teach him a lesson. He's bigger though. Oh, shit. Okay, no,

back off. Yeah, but she's probably faster. But I, I do, I am a believer that, you know, it's okay for a girl

to hit a guy. Yeah, I mean, I'm okay with that. If a guy takes your toy, push him and take it back. Smash him. Like,

you will be facing this your whole life of guys thinking they can do whatever they want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push back. Yeah, start early. Margo looks very strong, too. She also has looks that could kill her. Yeah, she's got my face. Yes, she has your face.

You both make me equally uncomfortable. Yeah, she's a little cuter, but whoops, there it is. You're doing it right now. Whoops, there it is. Now, Dave. Yeah, we have over, I just want to say, if anyone wants to send in like a theme song for what is a goblin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, please. Send it to spyatmaximumfun.org.

is a goblin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please. Send it to spyatmaximumfund.org We probably won't get it until the new year because of our shedge. Yeah, yeah. But, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us.

Look, just do it. Guys, push your way through, be a meanie, and dial those numbers. It's 1-844-779-7631 or 1-BIPOD1 like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Nick in Minneapolis. I was riding the bus that had been decorated with a bunch of Christmas lights under a bridge. The bus driver stopped, turned the lights out.

There was just the Christmas lights shining and said, ooh, ah. Well, off I go. So he was trying to get people to get into the Christmas spirit on the bus. Yeah, that's where Christmas spirit goes to die, my friend. On the bus? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no brotherhood of man. There's no harmony.

There's no, you know. Bless humbug. Yeah, bless humbug. Absolutely. Yeah. It is a tough ride no matter what time of year. Sometimes they put the Rudolph nose in front of the bus. That's true.

That's nice. And then it'll say Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays. Whoopsies.

That was nice. Here's the next one. Hi Dave and Graham and wonderful guest. This is Hillary calling from Massachusetts and I'm calling with an overseen. Hi. So at my gym, the building is made of brick, and at the front of the building, you can see that there used to be some sort of graffiti drawn on the building that somebody has done a really good job of scraping off.

So you can't really tell what it said, but the gutters above the gym have broken and the brick got all wet. And now you can see what the graffiti used to say, and it says, Julie Gable is a slam pig. Love the show, guys. Thanks. Hang on. Is a slam pig?

What's a slam pig? I don't know, but I'm going to call somebody that the next chance I get. Those are on the cutting edge of insults. Of cool slang. Slam pig. Julie Gables is a slam pig. Something like that. Slam pig.

Who is Julie Gables? She's a slam pig. Don't talk to her. Sorry, all right. You say that name one more time. You're a slam pig. Okay, okay, okay. I really like slam one more time. You're a slam pig. I really like slam pig a lot.

I like it a lot. I don't know why I like it. I just like it. It's just that I haven't heard. I haven't heard slam pig. You hear it, fool. You're thinking, oh, this person's going to be a slut. She's a slam pig. She's a slam pig.

I like that a female called that in and she liked it. I don't know. I just really like that. I feel like I would like that. Maybe it's a slam pig. I like that a female called that in and she liked it. I don't know. I just really like that. I feel like I would like that. Maybe it's a good thing. Yeah, maybe being a slam pig is all right. Maybe she hogs all the basketball dunks. She slam dunks.

She's a pig about it. Yeah, she doesn't share the ball. She just wants to slam us. She's hungry for slamming dunks. You know, in Charlotte's Web. No, I haven't seen it yet. The spider would write some pig. Like this is some pig.

So maybe it was just some, maybe they were trying to save a pig by saying this is a slam pig. Or maybe they were trying to say some pig, but they didn't, the L sort of, when they rubbed it out. You can't see clearly. Yeah, that's true. How did I miss Charlotte's Web? You didn't have to read it. Didn't have to read it. Never saw the movie.

When McDonald's was giving away the movies. Real contradiction there, McDonald's giving away Charlotte's Web. Because it's about saving a pig from slaughter. Oh. Well, they don't do a lot of pig work at McDonald's. Put bacon on things? Not back then. Oh. I don't know. I don't do a lot of pig work at McDonald's. Put bacon on things? Well, not back then. I don't know.

They had Waynesworld. They had Adam's Family. They had Ghost. And they had Charlotte's Web. But that was before the Bacon Revolution. And I don't think that was happening at a McRib time. Here's your final overheard. Hi, Dave Graham and majestically beautiful guest.

This is James from Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States. And I'm calling with an overheard. My partner and I were walking down the street. And there is a man and a woman standing in front of a parking building. And they just rang the buzzer. And then the woman yells into the intercom, I massaged your butt yesterday. Come on.

Come on, let me in. You remember, right? Didn't that mean anything to you? Because, like, this person isn't answering? Or, like, they said, no, you're not coming in? Yeah, they think it was, no, you're not coming in. Yeah. I think it was, no, you're not coming. Come on. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll massage your butt.

I rub down your tuchus. I mean, she's got a good point. Let her in. Yeah. Not a lot of people like to touch butt. No. Let alone massage it. I think a lot of people like to touch butt.

Well, all right. They like to grab it. Yeah. Yeah. But then they don't, people don't stay long enough to do the work. Massage. Do you massage a partner? Yeah.

My hands hurt. I'm too tired. Look, I'm not good at it. But then when we were doing prenatal classes or prenatal yoga, they were like, if you want to really massage, you use the heel of your hand. And I was always been, you know, pinching. Right. Squeeze the edges. Little pinching yeah right squeeze yeah just little pinching real lobster massage yeah little tiny pinches anyway yeah anyways no massaging you know what massaging your partner is good massaging strangers bad

massaging friends but like could be good a stranger like a i, maybe you're just meeting the stranger for the first time. You can massage them. I mean. If you both came here for a massage. If you're having like a stranger moment. Uh-huh. Like we were talking about earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the stranger's like, my neck. But you don't want a stranger. As you walk past. Danger. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. It's, yeah.

I don't know. It's like, it's weird. Weird. Massage is weird. It's weird. Massage is weird. Getting a massage is weird. Yeah.

Never done it. Really? Professionally? I've never received a massage. Would you not like to or it just never came up? Just never came up. No one ever brought it up, so you never got one. I just wish someone would broach the subject.

I'm sorry. Hey So you never got one I just wish Someone would broach The subject I'm sorry Hey you should get one I Don't Don't I'm not stressed enough Right But don't you Yeah you're too blessed

To be stressed Yeah That's all Fair Fair We'll keep it there We're not going to talk About this anymore

No No I just don't Let's talk about massage It doesn't It just doesn't Just never Just as It's talk about massage. It just doesn't. Just never, just as fine. That's not a thing

everybody has to do. I'm not judging. There's nothing to judge. This is a nice thing. I'm not trying, I'm just saying I'm not. Amy. What?

That brings us to the end of this podcast. Oh. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy Holidays Happy Holidays While the merry bells keep ringing Those are the words Happy Holidays

To you Now he's got some blue eyes Happy Holidays It's the holiday season Holiday season And Santa Claus is coming down The Christmas snow is white on the ground When old Santa gets into town

He'll be coming down the chimney down When do we get to Whoop-Dee-Doo? Third verse Third? Yeah It's the holiday season How about now, what's this? And Santa Claus

Fast forward When you come down the gym Oh, it's this Oh, come on Upon his back Shut up Oh, we're going Get back, get back

Here we go It's the holiday season The holiday season So hoop-dee-doo And pick a reed dock Don't forget To hang up your sock season so whoop-dee-doo and pick-a-ree-duck don't forget to hang up your sock cause just exactly at twelve o'clock

he'll be coming down the chimney down that's not a thing that Santa came down at midnight yeah he came down all night long yeah he has to like Lionel Richie he was dancing on the ceiling and he was stuck on you Amy what would you like to plug you've got the show coming up Lionel Richie. He was dancing on the ceiling. Yeah. And he was stuck on you.

Amy, what would you like to plug? You've got the show coming up in the Northwest Comedy Festival. Just that, I guess. Yeah. JFL Northwest. Yeah. On March 9th at XY in Vancouver, BC, British Columbia, Canada. Yeah. And that's about it.

Maybe our YouTube channel. We've got videos coming out Ryan and Amy show Instagram Ryan and Amy show Facebook Ryan and Amy show Yeah Watch for our videos coming out You're going to have to change

All those to Jason and Amy show I know Should I just do it now? No no no No not yet No do it now Wait to make sure That you can get them

Surprise him Surprise him Surprise him That'd be cute Merry Christmas, Jason. Thank you, Jason. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you so much for having me.

So much fun. Now you, listeners out there, have a holiday season. And whoop-de-doo and hibbity-doop. And dickery-dock. And scabbity-doop. If you want to find out more about all things Stop Podcasting Yourself, you can go to our Twitter account at Stop Podcasting. And this holiday season, I want you to go tweet us who you think are the horniest artists. Yeah.

Horniest musicians. By decade. Yeah. Yeah. I want to go, but I like, don't just start at the 60s. I want to know who's the horniest person from. From the 20s. Yeah.

Or from like, you know, First AD. From like, Baroque times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I Baroque my dick off. Listening to music. Yeah. And if you like this show, please spread the word.

Tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.