Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 511 - Chris Locke

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

Comedian Chris Locke returns to talk ‘90s bands, breaking a chair, and a big dam. Also, more What is a Goblin?

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 511 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, he knows more than I do about the band 311, Mr. Dave Shumka. I've got to come original. I've got to come original. What is the band 311? They are, oh boy, boy well i don't know but this is episode 511 and so

they're 200 less than that yeah yeah but okay what i know about 311 we're 200 left less than 711 yeah oh boy and that's 200 less than 911 which hubba hubba and then that's 200 less than 1111 make a wish and then that is 200 less than 1311 which is like the futuristic 311 cover band i mean where they do like you know robot versions of whoa amber is the color of your robot thing i guess energy works there as well um they're i don't know like a like a pop ska band that still they have a cruise a cruise yeah that's i thought they were pop ska band that still, they have a cruise. A cruise. Yeah, that's, I thought they were like the band that went on a cruise. Yeah.

Would you go, what band, would you go on the Terry Crews Cruise? The Terry Crews Cruise. So that, no, because there'd probably be a lot of working out. I feel like that would be a lot of exercise. Or the Tom Cruise Cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. The Penelope Crews Cruise? I'm not a fan.

Not a fan of Penelope Crews? No, not a fan. Not a fan of Penelope Cruz? No, I don't. What has she done that's so good? Vanilla Sky? Yeah, yeah, that's true. I take it back. I don't know what else she's been in. She's been in some commercials for perfumes, etc.

Our guest today, very funny comedian, actor. What else could I, writer, father, it's a favorite guest of the program, Mr. Chris Locke. Hi, thanks for having me. Good to be here. I was sad to hear about one of the members of 311 that probably died. Whoa! This guy's coming original here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A real heartfelt condolence. I bet you if you Google it, there will be something like that. Okay. One of the members, one of the OG members of 311 passed on.

It's gotta be. Has every... It's gotta be. Has every 90s band had a dead guy in it? That's a weird phrase. Every 90s band had a dead guy in it that's a weird phrase every 90s band that i feel like i didn't like and they mixed rap and rock and stuff yeah there's always a tragedy is there a dead limp is is there a dead lincoln park yeah i feel like there is a dead that happened this year oh no really yeah oh wow oh yeah yeah my condolences i refresh uh pitchfork.com all day I feel like there is a deadline. That happened this year. Oh, no, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, it is.

My condolences. I refresh Pitchfork.com all day. That's your homepage. It sucks. Pitchfork was always where I went to to find out about Linkin Park. Because they were always on their top 100 indie rock songs of the year. Where do you read a review of a band that's not cool enough to be on Pitchfork? Because it used to be you would look in the back couple pages of Rolling Stone. Yeah, I think everyone still gets reviewed somewhere.

Yeah, but where though? I think you go to Metacritic and it tells you everywhere they're reviewed. I think it's After You Die at the Gates. Oh, yeah. That's less being reviewed die at the gates. Oh, yeah. That's less being reviewed and more being judged. Oh, right. They're like, four stars. You get in but not into all the cool rooms in heaven.

I hope my album gets judged good. I don't really know. Oh, maybe I can search within. So they have one member. There's one member. According to Wikipedia, one member of 311 is not in the band anymore. I don't know what happened to him. Uh-oh.

Search the rivers. But according to, yeah. Their cruise went through the rivers and he fell off a boat. But according to their Wikipedia, they did sponsor a NASCAR in 2015. Whoa. Oh, someone died there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what you were thinking of. R.I.P. With Dale Earnhardt Sr. in 311. That's awesome, dudes. Yeah, it is awesome. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Congratulations, 31111 for your NASCAR

That is kind of weird like To just be like Well I guess I guess we're gonna take money from whoever provides it And I guess we're the 311 car I don't know that song that you're even making fun of But I probably do right It was two songs

Oh it was? Yeah Oh crap I probably know one of them Okay guys let's's play it. No, no, I'm going to. Oh, you're getting in trouble, right? No.

Yeah, 311. Yeah, we stay one. Pretty litigious. One step ahead of the iTunes. Oh, they would love to sue someone right now. Well, that's where they got their name, 311 lawsuits they put out there. They accidentally dialed 911 because someone was stealing their music. But they meant to dial 911. They accidentally dialed 911 because someone was stealing their music. But they meant to dial 911.

They accidentally dialed 311. And it was, you know, garbage pickup. It's still like that. 311, if you're listening, I really don't know you. I apologize for any aspersions I'm casting you. So I know three of their songs. According to their...

Dispersions. Dispersions. Aspirations. Aspirations. Their most popular songs. Number one is Amber. How does that go? Whoa!

Amber is the color of your energy. Whoa! Oh, I know that one. And that's about the fly from Jurassic Park? Yep. They have a... It wasn't a fly. Oh, a mosquito.

We found human blood in this old fly. And they have a song. That's why the dinosaurs are so stupid. The next one I know is called Down. Yeah, that one's good. Shut up. I know that one. You do not.

Oh, play it. You just played it. I love that song. I forgot about that. I hate it, but I play it. You just played it. I love that song. I forgot about that. I hate it, but I love it. But do you know it? I think I hate that I love it. I think that I hate that I told people I love it right now.

Those were, how old were they at that time? How old were you at that time? Jeez, I'm ageless, man. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I've been on the planet for 2,000 years. Oh, really? Yeah. You were born in the year 17?

Did you know 17-year-old Jesus? Yeah, I was like, what's everyone talking about? Oh, man. You showed up in the year 17. That's why I'm not religious, because I was born just after he was around. All the wise men seem to have gone away. They've gone back to their frankincense. They were like, you should have heard what this guy said.

And I was like, I don't know. Oh, wait, no, 17 wouldn't have been after. It would have been like while he was being a carpenter. Or whatever. No, I don't know anything. It was if he was born in the year zero did the year zero start when he was born or die

or was there was there a year zero uh it's just the kind of thing where people are like um it's actually the 90s don't start

till 2014 there's definitely a song by 311 called year zero till 2014 when people are like splitting hairs like uh actually the millennium doesn't start till you're dead but uh can't wait till you die buddy new millennium we're gonna party uh but uh tonight

we're gonna party like when jesus will probably die so like like, I think Jesus was in, like if he was born in zero, that he was 17 and 17. Yeah. Yeah. And then he, he disappeared for that stretch. Yeah.

Like he went away. 17, I was 17. Running on empty by Jesus. Jesus version. To be honest, I think he just showed up when he was 27 and he was like, let me tell you about when I was born and people were like oh okay yeah

like he and then he's crazy magical story yeah yeah and uh it was um he's like one of those actors on imdb he was probably actually 40 yeah and he just comes back hey i'm 27 and uh time started uh i want you to break up time from my birthday back. And I was born, where were you born? In a manger. Yeah. What's up? Did you say a manger?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a manger. Did you just make that up? Yeah. Is manger a thing? Yeah. Yeah, that's where I was born. That's where he was born, yeah. Next to some goats and some magical men.

Like a goat manger? I have not heard the word manger outside of the mention of Jesus. No, that's true. Sometimes dogs get manger. Hello. I'm trying to get it off the religious stuff. There's probably a ton of your fans are irate right now. Well, we're not.

We're just discussing... It's a word. We're doing it more as a historical document. No, you're right. Let's get back to figuring it out. So what's going on with Chris? For the record, though, he didn't die at 27. He died at 33.

33. Oh. 27 was when Kurt died, man. Yeah, yeah. And Jimmy. Yeah, and Jim. That's why I thought that. I totally was like, all the famous hot dudes.

All the famous hot dudes all the famous hot dudes yeah that's what they call it the hot dudes club can I just say to your listeners I have jet lag my brain is fried right now is it jet lag or jet leg I have one jet leg

you'll see what's going on with you tell us tell us a story that's it i'm jet-lagged you're you're ageless you're jet-lagged uh females are become mermaids and men become jet-lagged this is what you're teaching your daughter? Oh, yeah. She's going to be so fucked up. Here's a joke I remember from my youth. If athletes get athletes, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe. Oh, we have to kiss under their feet. Wait a minute.

They don't launch missiles, though. They're basically missiles. Do you not know that? What? though they're basically missiles that's do you not know that they're what the space race was cold war icbm uh tick measuring contest yeah so they're astronauts and missiles hmm yeah good to know but guys i would just said that because you guys needed to take a sip of water that's true it's really you know what i'm tired guys needed to take a sip of water

now we're back you know what I'm tired but I've drank a lot of tea and I'm hyper so that's a deadly combo this is going to be a bad ep

no no no it's already a good ep it is we're already having fun because we got this guy does the best 311 impression always have now I know I do This guy does the best 311 impression. Yeah. Always have.

Now I know I do. Oh, God. What's up with me is, you know, keeping it busy, keeping it real. Yeah. I travel as a stand-up half the time. I'm taking an acting class right now. How's that? It's funny. Yeah. I travel as a stand-up half the time. I'm taking an acting class right now. How's that?

It's funny. Do they make you look into your emotions and things like that? I don't know. I'm not. Are you not paying attention? No. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's really great. But you're like, you are a working actor.

Yeah, you're an actor. That's the thing, but I wanted to sharpen my tools. And it's like it just makes me laugh is it the are the other people i wish this was a video i would show your audience what some of the actors do it's funny well you got just the theater of the mind theater of the mind yeah um okay so when someone else is talking picturing picture the person listening to them um with a blank stare and their mouth hanging wide open it's really funny they're like oh in the scene yeah yeah i don't like it that's not what i i i don't know how to act no i mean

and like that especially like i wouldn't even know what to do when i'm not saying the words i'm supposed to say I would be just thinking of what would this guy be doing? How shocked should this guy be? Also like what is when when does his line end so that I can say whatever I'm supposed to say. What's an appropriate amount of time

to have gone by? Yeah yeah yeah Should I cut him off? Not guilty Your Honor. The main thing I learned, I think, is that you need to, like, what's bad with me at auditions is I never know the lines that well. So then you act like you're trying to remember the lines. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm. Do you audition well? Because that's something I try for the best. You just said no. Like, not, yeah, sometimes. If I really like it, yeah. But sometimes, you know, I think it's weird because I really do like acting

and I want to like write and produce more of my own stuff where I'm an actor. Yeah. But I think a lot of acting is cheesy. It's so cheesy and so funny that I think sometimes in an audition or like in an acting class, I still kind of look like I'm taking the piss out of it. Have you ever acted? Like I'm acting ironically. Have you ever acted in anything professionally that wasn't comedy?

Yeah, but not a big role. Then this class is for helping you get bigger roles. Okay. The juicy role. Yeah, juicy parts. But they still keep casting still keep he still keeps giving me lines where it's like

okay you're a garbage man and you're about to die and I'm like is this based on what I look like and he's like

yeah yeah and you keep dragging that garbage can around it's my security blanket it's my R2D2

go see The Last Jedi I don't know I haven't seen it yet we were talking about poor exertion are you have you seen any other Star Warses

all of them yes of course okay I like them a lot but it's weird because even with the new ones I know I'm just being

like pandered to but I still like them yeah well that's the feeling of being pandered to it I still like them yeah well that's there's some fun stuff the feeling of being pandered to it feels nice yeah you're like thanks

yeah yeah this is what I like yeah oh do you like them? um I I'm not sure I think so

I like I but did you grow up with the original three? no I grew up in uh Palestine and we didn't

we only our only toys were rocks oh well there's rocks in star wars oh yeah you're right no i'm from here yeah i grew up with in iraq and then when you saw that you're like right my toys get out of my toys i i think like everyone I liked them growing up and then I saw the prequels

and I was like I don't know yeah the prequels were I wanna like these they were a hard hit but like I watched

this weekend I watched they were playing like the original three just on a like on a loop or whatever over top of each other

in the sky very distracting and and it's like you know cause it's all practical effects on a loop or whatever. Over top of each other. In the sky. Very distracting. And it's like, you know, because it's all practical effects and stuff, and compared to what the kids get now, it looks really like a high school production. Oh, is it the second or the third one where he's wearing Yoda as a backpack?

Yeah. Is it the second or the third one where he's wearing Yoda as a backpack? Yeah. And all of Yoda's... How did they do that? And all of Yoda's extremities are just wiggling, like a puppet being bounced around. And, like, Chewbacca, when he opens his mouth really wide, he's the large, hairy gentleman.

Okay. There's two holes in his mouth that are obviously so the actor can see out. And you see them in every scene that he's in. Once you're conscious of it, you're like, oh, man. Oh, I was never conscious of that. Are they in his mouth? Yeah, they're in his mouth. Yeah.

Oh, so he's acting like someone in Chris's class with their mouth wide open. But the whole time he's just like, he's just doing this. That's what most of the people do in my acting class. And I'm like, I'm better than that. And the newest ones, I saw the first one and I sat way too close and I never re-saw it. And then the second one, I fell asleep. Rogue One? Yeah.

It's not the second one. Yeah, I know what you mean. The second new-ish one. Yeah, I think I've seen it all, but I... Oh! I'm not sure. Do tell. I went back and I think I saw it all, but...

Well, you love them. Yeah, you know, like, they're fun as hell, man. Yeah. They're fun, and I'm like, yeah, I guess because I was a kid watching the originals on VHS and stuff, those sound effects and visuals, like, that's where the prequels failed. I mean, jeez, everybody talks about this. We can move on.

But the prequels failed because... Who talks about this? I guess all the blogs I read but oh shit I live in a bubble the prequels failed but

Linkin Park lives on you know they like I think George Lucas screwed up by not trying to

keep it in the same world with the prequels it looked so drastically different that everyone felt offended that he didn't even try to look like the you haven't seen them no no why do you say no no you only read faust over and over again no no i just can't uh like i just i don't i don't care anymore you know that's good i think that's a good way to be after seven uh

seasons i don't care about Walking Dead anymore but it took 7 seasons it took me 3 and then I was like I feel like they don't know where this is going it's designed to never end but I have to say for the last 3 seasons I watched it was always on in the background

I wasn't fully watching it and I was still disappointed I think it's good that you do that. Is this like a two, is this joke that I'm going to make a joke? Yeah. I just want to know

if it's two now, if it's two, like if the world's not ready for it, twerking dead. Yeah, yeah. No, I feel like the world's ready for it.

Okay. I feel like if Mad TV was still on, that would be the exact. When did Mad TV go off the air? Oh, I just stopped watching it.

I felt like it wasn't going anywhere. It really, a lot of their sketches didn't go anywhere. Walking Dead is the Mad TV of zombie shows. It really, like,

I don't even know what The Walking Dead is now. I just see, like, an image and it's like a guy with a baseball. Well, Will Sasso's on it. They do Miss Swan a lot.

All it is is like, seriously, people waiting to watch which, they want to be surprised by which main actor will get killed. Right.

And that's the dumbest thing in the world. But that's all Game of Thrones is too. No. You don't like Game of Thrones either? I didn't say that but do you like it no ah do you like it never seen it holy crap yeah i am out of my no the only reason i almost ran for the door right now

it progressed so many seasons uh it felt like did they release all the seasons at once like why did it seem like everybody was so into it all of a sudden and uh i was and i had somehow missed it at the end of the first season they show these tiny little baby dragons being born yeah and now we're in like season eight or seven or something we're far and the dragons are getting pubes. They're all sulky. They're shaving. They're emo dragons. They don't want to go to the family portrait. But crazy stuff has happened.

But it's sad. They plant seeds that don't pay off for years. So it's like this weird sort of insane dopamine kick when all of a sudden, after being so loyal to the show show mega hammers are dropping and you're like oh i hate does it feel good i sound i hate how sincere i am about the dragons like roasting armies full of like with fire these these former former baby dragons

are now all grown up and they're roasting. This is the worst episode I've ever done. No, no. Of this? Like big dragons, fires everywhere. My problem with the show was I don't have the right brain for it. I don't know if I'm too dumb for it, but I just like I would watch it and they'd kill off five people in a show and everyone would be freaking out and I would be like, oh, were those important people? They look like everyone else on the show. It's just another guy with a food in his beard.

Yeah, or a bunch of handsome princes. Yeah. But it's a weird thing. I've never seen the show, but I also feel like i'm fairly fluent in it like i think i know a lot of stuff from a show that i've never actually seen and haven't okay let's want to give graham our game of thrones quiz yeah oh boy okay what who is daenerys targaryen oh he don't know. He's the guy. It's a she!

She worked in the dragon maternity ward. Almost. Yeah, I'm close. A couple of keywords. He knows the show. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Who had to cut her hair and walk naked?

Oh, uh... Lynn... Lynn Benicroft. hair walk naked oh uh lynn uh lynn benna benna croft yeah yeah yeah it was lynn benna croft and uh and she uh does not uh she doesn't like the the snow walkers she doesn't like uh no one likes the snow walkers no some people some people do. Some people like outdoor sports, and they see the snow walkers, and they're like, winter's coming. That's also from the show. I know that. Winter's coming in Olympics 2018.

Okay, one final question, this one, for all the marbles. Here we go. Who is Jon Snow's dad? Oh, he's also got curly hair they've both got curly hair and is john snow's dad is played by uh character actor omar sharif all right he passes yeah he gets it yeah you have watched Game of Thrones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, I haven't. I just absorbed it through the culture. Through the culture. Through skits.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of skits, memes, a lot of memes. Yeah. That's what kids are into now, memes. They love them. That's the comedy product. I just pictured a meme or a gif of a man with curly hair saying, like, I'm John's dad.

I'm John's dad. I'm John's dad. I'm John's dad. And people are sharing that like crazy. They would. It just sucks. Yeah, right. Okay, what other giant phenomenon in the zeitgeist do you guys like or hate? Do you like...

I haven't seen any Marvel things other than like the first two iron mans you know what is weird i hate the marvel movies but i watch them all and they all make me emotional really and by the end i'm always like yeah yes get them yeah you stop it because they're all their trick is they're always about family. So then this like family comes back together and reconciles by the end. What about Family and the Furious? Yeah. Have you seen that?

Those are about family. Yeah, those are all about family. Graham's seen all those. Yeah. I haven't seen the most recent one with the submarine, but I can't wait. How do they drive that car in the submarine? Well, it's a really long submarine and they're

really good at driving it's a nice souped up submarine with a spoiler on it yeah yeah and there's lights underneath very easy to see oh but have you guys seen stranger things yeah yeah or the first how do you feel about that because that one's like this is a real good like because this is this episode's coming out january 1st so this is kind of our year in yeah so there you feel about that? Because that one's like. This is a real good like. Because this is. This episode's coming out January 1st. So this is kind of our year in review. Yeah, year in review. Yeah.

So there you go. So that was ginormous the last two years. Yeah. I really liked the first season. I really liked the first episode of the first season. And I think it never made it. Never, never hit that peak. Never reached that.

I liked. Yeah. I liked the whole first season. The second season i like the first couple episodes and then i was like i'm not sure that this this feels like it's going into walking dead territory where they don't know but i feel like i'm such a barb yeah you're dave you are kind of a barb it's hard without barb and they even acknowledge that um like throughout the second season they kept showing pictures of her like, look at Barb.

Like, remember Barb. Yeah. Should we bring her back? They have a 1-900 number up on the screen. That's how Netflix is making its billions of dollars of debt. Should we bring Barb back? Should we give Eleven a crazy new hairdo? That's definitely where the show already went in the second season.

It's less like, they could bring Barb back. They're like, how'd you come back? And she'd be like, well, anything we want in the undertow, or whatever it's called. Anything we want in the undertow. What's it called? Underground? Upside down. Upside down. Upside down cake.

Don't eat the upside down cake. I feel like growing up, a pineapple upside down cake was mentioned in a lot of sitcoms. Usually as someone, like it literally fucked it up and it's upside down. What is it? It's pineapples on the bottom? Or are they on the top? I think you're thinking of yogurt. Oh, yeah.

I thought of a funny title for a throwback sitcom because you said old sitcom. It's okay. What do you think about this for the name of a show? Whose boss is this? It's like, who's the boss? the boss yeah yeah but it's just like whose boss is this and what's the setup of this uh sitcom there's like a uh there's a little dragon there's a little like um plastic there's like a little plastic bucket um full of midget riced bosses in it and they're all shuffled. And you have to pick them up and be like, whose boss is this? And then some kid has to claim it.

And then they play with that boss. That's fucked. So this sounds like a reality show, but not. But insane. I'm running on not even four hours sleep. Can everyone just remember that? Yeah. Whose boss is this?

It could also be like a drama. Sure. Yeah. Like bosses just come in and like, uh, interrupt conversations and tell people what to do. And then they're like, whose boss is this?

Like, just like a freestyle boss. Yeah. Walking in and bossing people around. Sure. The guy comes out of nowhere. Pick that up. Hey, what? Whose boss is this? Whose bossing people around sure the guy comes out of nowhere pick that up hey what whose boss is this no one knows no because they all have amnesia

so that's a wrinkle yeah yeah in the upside down whose boss is this we're all whatever we want in the aftertoe there's another 90s band tool tool undertow you remember that good god were you a tool fan i was a tool whatever we want in the aftertale. There's another 90s band, Tool. Tool. Undertow. Do you remember that? Good God. Were you a Tool fan? I was a Tool. Were you a Tool?

I was a Tool that liked Primus. But were you? Yeah, you are. Well, I liked Tool for a sec. Who liked Bob Kerr? Yeah, Bob Kerr really. Me and Bob Kerr can talk about Primus, and it's embarrassing. For me, it's embarrassing, but for Bob, he wears it like a sec. Bob Kerr. Yeah, Bob Kerr really. Me and Bob Kerr can talk about Primus and it's embarrassing.

For me, it's embarrassing. But for Bob, he wears it like a flag. Like he literally wears Primus clothes all the time. He does? Yeah. And I'm always like, Bob.

Because to me, we're at a wedding. We're not teenagers anymore. So was Bob on here talking about Primus? No, I just follow him on Instagram. We've been on a live show.

Yeah, he met Primus and has pictures with him. Were they dressed in those crazy plastic outfits from the Winona's Big Brown Beaver video? No, they were like, they looked like shit. They had way too many strings on their instrument. Everyone in that photo just looked like shit. But like, what is this? I guess they still tour.

Yeah, they're huge. People take drugs and go to their shows and trip out, man. It's a drug. Because their music is so weird. Oh, I really like their lyrics mostly. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's a bunch of cheese.

Too many puppies. I married cheese. Almost's a bunch of cheese. Too many puppies. Yeah. I married cheese. Almost bordered on Weird Al lyrics. But yeah, like, what was I going to say? No, I'll just get this out there. I was a huge fan from like, maybe like age 13 to 15 or 16. I had, I had some of their albums when I was a teen. Let them talk.

Let them speak. Okay. Thank you. I just some of their albums when I was a teen. Let him talk. Let him speak. Okay. Thank you. I just want to support. You did? Yeah. But yeah, and then this girl I really, really liked, Alexandra. If you're out there.

Where are you? Let him speak. I am. Do you remember? He's telling the story of his journey with Primus. Alexandra, do you remember me? Remember this? So, like, she came over one day after school.

My parents were out. And we were in my room. Whoa. Door was closed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Studying. Honk. Right?

You know what I mean? And she was on my bed. Whoa. And I was like. On my CD player, I put Pork Soda on by Primus. And nothing happened between us. Of course nothing happened what are the okay

so I'm like I hit play and it's like so what do you want to do and it's like my name is Madu and she's like nothing absolutely nothing don't touch me 311. What are...

She actually put on 311. What are... I think we... That's a true story. Yeah, of course. I believe it. So maybe that's why I'm more defensive about... Because when I see Bob,

I'm like, Bob. Bob, you're never going to get to pork some soda. Girls are around. Yeah, but Bob is a lovely man. And I think it's great that he owns it and wears it on his sleeve. Girls are around. Yeah. But Bob is a lovely man. And I think it's great that he owns it and wears it on his sleeve. But you basically have a vendetta against Primus for ruining your chance with young Alexandra. Every now and then, I will put them on in headphones and really feel good.

But then I will put it away yeah is there i saw them live from your uh uh teenage years that you still like you would like you would wear the shirt of something kind of yeah lots of stuff i think oh that like i would wear if if what if it was socially acceptable or i mean like no it was a braver man yeah just like you i still love this thing so much from you know uh for me it would be Perfect Strangers. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is something that I'm trying to think of? But like even like, you know,

people who have Pulp Fiction posters or whatever. Yeah. On their body. God, I had all the like cliche university posters in my dorm room. you have paul face bob marley maybe my roommate had bob marley because he smoked more weed than i did

what else there was a competition did you have like one of those uh like a diagram of beers or diagram of weeds or did you have a student crossing? I think I just had actors pretending to be people all over my wall. If you think about it, that's the silliest thing. It's like, look, I like Scarface, but really it's like classically trained New York actor Al Pacino going like, hey, man. With like a dumb scar on his face and a Hawaiian shirt on. Yeah, and you're like, well, yeah, plaque mount this and put it over my wall. With like a dumb scar on his face and a Hawaiian shirt on. Like, ah. Yeah. And you're like, well, yeah.

Plaque mount this and put it over my wall. Yeah. Yeah. That's so stupid. I think we talk about this every hundred episodes or so. Every year the, what's it called? Magentis? Oh. The poster sale would come to the student union building.

Yeah. And it would sell you, you know, your Porg poster. Yeah. Yeah. Or you could get, you could get a James Dean. You could get a Marilyn Monroe. You could get a.

Yeah. And what kid doesn't want those dead creatures staring at them before they go to bed? But they, they were like, I don't know why, but yeah, James Dean poster and Marilyn Monroe poster is that's perennial. Like that.

Because everyone's like it's so funny the kids are marketed live fast die young yeah leave a beautiful corpse but no everybody's like yeah but everybody also in the back of their mind is like i don't want to die yeah you know like no one what the fuck is that marketing ploy i hate it so much it's weird that like one of the the caveats in that is like leave a hot course yeah like well that's like marilyn monroe and james dean yeah like are their corpses still that hot yeah they're pretty hot they've they're pretty is he still wearing the little wind cheater yeah yeah yeah yeah i used to be a cigarette hanging on his mouth

i used to be hot when i was a teen and then i started losing my hair and i was like i'm gonna live a long time live slow die old leave a bald corpse yeah yeah live yeah live slow take it easy enjoy netflix have a family yeah kids should put posters of me up in their dorm rooms that says take it easy have a family what would you be doing in the poster I'm trying to picture it

are you at an all night diner I'm probably just like putting Amy's jacket on yeah that's my daughter for you guys to know yeah I could see that poster just like uh the tea kettle's going off and i'm trying to put a coat on yeah like a grainy black and white though yeah yeah yeah with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth yeah i was thinking

it's me trying to put her jacket on in a hot rod i was thinking about like how there's all these things about like you know if you become a dead, you know, you can't party with the boys anymore. Yeah. And lately the only thing that's been frustrating me about parenthood is like, I just need five minutes to lotion up my hands. Like I need a time to go by where I don't have to touch anything.

I need to, the lotion has to be able to dry. Yeah. Yeah. Before I can party with the boys. Let me tell you something about the boys now, though. Okay. They're sad. Yeah, yeah.

You know what partying is? They start, now a boys party, like partying with the boys our age, is they start sitting upright fully, and then they drink and drink and drink until they're basically folded in half, and then they drink and drink and drink until they're basically folded in half and then you call an uber like they just sort of wilt partying with the boys is drinking until you wilt yeah and then just get a family you get one get a family of drunks be someone's drunk dad yeah yeah yeah oh yeah wait yeah yeah um oh i just thought of something

this is yeah kind of on topic not at all but i do i just want to say too i do have dry hands you go if you have cream do you have i have dry hands right now oh maybe it is a day i don't have cream here like not in the studio okay i'll be right because mostly because this studio is where i keep my laptop and I don't want the appearance of like James Harden was on a few weeks ago

and he was like I've been sniffling a lot can you bring some Kleenex in here and I was like okay but we're not keeping them in here I don't want to be

the guy who goes I just go into my private room with my lotions and my Kleenex and my laptop how did you like James I like him

yeah we like him. He's one of my best mates. Yeah? Wait a minute. Best mates? Where did that come from? Ah, Britain. Yeah.

It doesn't mean. Yeah, he's the best. Yeah. Super funny guy. I'm so sorry I cut you off just for that. Okay, here we go. Okay, I'm glad you remember. If you go see the new Star Wars movie.

When I go. But they should have a promotion. Somehow Primus is involved. Yeah. No. And you get free refills of pork soda. Pork soda. Oh.

Come on. Enjoy. Enjoy pork soda. You know who has good pork? Who? What's that diner I was talking about? Fable? Yeah, Fable Diner.

If you're in Vancouver, go to Fable Diner. Good pork. Good pork? Good milkshake. Good pork. Oh, pork soda? Yeah. Oh, I ruined your joke.

I thought you said pork soda. No, you didn't ruin it. You just didn't hear it. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Well, I would have loved that. Let's go back in time. Because then I was just like, yeah, pork soda, okay.

No, it's weird. Why would they have pork in space? Damn, man. I didn't give you the, your pun was delicious. It's okay. Yeah. And then I'm like, you want pork? Go to a diner.

And you're like, okay, well, I just said a great joke. It's okay, Chris. Chris? Chris? Yeah. Is it Chris? Okay. Dave, what's going on with you? Chris? Yeah. Is it Chris? Okay. Dave what's going

on with you man? Oh you guys. Oh wait that all counts as what's going on with me? Yeah. This is a mess. You didn't get to

make a move in high school. I'm sorry. What's going on with you? You made a move. You put on pork soda.

I made the wrong move. You declared your love for Primus. Yeah. Less clay pool, more Deadpool. Oh! Yeah!

Finally, I was awake for that pun. So last week on the show, I was talking about how my family caught hand, foot, and mouth disease. Really? Have you heard about this? Like this family in this house? Yeah. Both my daughters. I know, his extended family.

Yeah. My foreign relations. Everyone in Palestine got it? And we, so basically, like, my baby got sores on her hands and knees and butt. And maybe in her mouth. Like, she was having trouble swallowing. You were like, I'm not going to check her mouth, but I'll check her butt. And maybe in her mouth like she was having trouble swallowing. You were like, I'm not going to check her mouth, but I'll check her butt. Well, I check her

butt every day. Yeah. But she was just having. Now, is this going to be as gross as last week? I just wanted to give an update. Okay. So my, I had these sores on my head. Because I had nightmares about this like following last week's. Like if you Google it, if you Google it, it's terrible. It's not as bad,. We didn't have it that bad,

but there's pictures of kids with oozing sores all over their mouth. Move on! So I had these... Now they just kind of look like calluses. They never came to the surface of my skin, but I had... Can I get to this right now? No, you can't.

It's not airborne, and it's gone. I i mean it apparently stays in my poop for months oh this is gross show this is gross this is gross it's show me the poop i have pictures no um but i just wanted to say that i had a day when it was unbearably painful and it was like everything felt like paper cuts on my hands so like like oh it wasn't painful 24 hours a day but anytime i tried to use my hands like to tie shoelaces or picked up a gallon of milk it was very painful and then uh like oh i'll take an ibuprofen the child proof container oh no that's so painful yeah

wait the next day it was fine did you put it like on oven mitts or something to open it something like that no i'm you powered through how did you guys get it you've already established this in another episode yeah it was it's uh carried in saliva and in the source, but there's only of the source pop. Apparently look what you got. Yeah. I want to go back to you talking about inspecting her bum. Sure. It is true.

This is, this is like, okay, so I only have one kid right now. And yeah. And then the, yeah, the diapers get filled to the max these days. Okay, so I only have one kid right now. Oh, who? Yeah. And then, yeah, the diapers get filled to the max these days. And it's funny because she likes prunes.

One time I got prunes and she likes them. Sure. So one time we were having, this is just another aside. They're not just for senior citizens, you know? I know. They're not just for pooing. They're for like. They're for enjoying. Yeah.

Absolutely. And, but one time she likes them so much, we got a dessert. I actually bought a fancy dessert for, after a dinner one time. And she's in her, in her chair. That had prunes in it? No, that's what I was going to say. Yeah, yeah. But then after dinner, she wouldn't finish her dinner.

She didn't even eat that much. We're not that strict about it, but she didn't eat a lot. So we're like, if you have two more spoonfuls, you'll get cake and you'll get dessert. You'll get cake and ice cream. And then she went, prunes? I will always remember that. She's going like, prunes though? Instead of cake and ice cream.

But yeah, so like, I don't know why I brought the prunes up. Oh, because yeah, you know, the diapers get massively filled with. So now when I. Yeah. I blame Chris. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So now, don't you, maybe you can relate to that where you're like,

you change your attitude like when you first unveil the diaper, where you're like, because I used to be like, oh my God. You know, like, and then you have to like watch it. Because then she'll like because I used to be like oh my god you know like and then you have to like watch it because then she'll like look at you and be like

ashamed of what's wrong shitting or whatever so now I'm like normal yeah yeah open up oh what a wonderful

surprise yeah I faint and then choke on my own barf and die but this is normal. Yeah.

Yeah. Goodness. It's a quality parenting. Yeah. Yeah. Because you don't want to walk into the room after.

You don't want to walk in and she's on the change table and you're like poopy diaper and then she's just like I'll do it. Yeah.

I had too many prunes. Yeah. Prunes? So that's the update on me. Update. Oh, sorry. And then I made it about me still. It's fine.

Tell more. You got something else. The other thing is, so my, did I tell this story about the chair my dad made? No. I don't think I did. Dad made a chair? When my dad was in high school in his woodshop class he made this chair and it's like the apparently they had an instructor who was just from denmark

and made this in the 50s like mid-century danish furniture and it's the most beautiful chair and it's like we've had it in the storage for like you know since the 50s so this is the chair your dad made in in high school in high school and it's like perfectly done there's a uh there's sort of like elastic stuff unlike underneath the cushion and there's a cushion yeah there's two cushions. My sister loved the chair so much she had the cushions recovered and it's in her living room. Wow.

I went over there the other day a couple weeks ago and I was just like, okay, well, this is where I'll sit down. I sat down on the chair and it was like I was Chris Farley in a movie. Oh, no. And it just was like, there was no, like, is something wrong with this?

It was, I sat down, and I hit the floor through the chair. Oh, no. Like splintered wood going everywhere. Oh, no. But, like, had nobody sat in it for many, many years? People had sat in it for many years. It wasn't just a piece to look at. Right.

Oh, God. But I certainly felt awful. Oh, my God. I can't even imagine. And I inspected it and some of the, uh, one dowel had come out and so all of my weight went on this one side. Right. Tore a bit of wood off. Oh no.

Uh, it had been, it had been moved recently and no one had looked at. To like make sure it was all together. So I felt terrible about that and everyone was surprisingly nice about it. Considering I. I'm sure it's reasonable at this point. Yeah, exactly. But you know what you have to do now? Make a chair.

I know. Yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to take an acting class, but now I got to take a chair class. Yeah. It's more practical. But it's amazing that a chair. From high school. Yeah, like a teenager made. This is's amazing that a chair. From high school. Yeah.

Like a teenager made. This is my dad. My dad sort of like was the Jesus of the interior of British Columbia. Well, it's funny that you say that about high school. Cause I, I, I found, um, I was at my parents' house the other day and I was in the basement with my sister and I found this like clay mug I made. Oh yeah. and I was in the basement with my sister and I found this like clay mug I made in like a home ec or shop or one of those things, art class. And I couldn't stop laughing.

It's the biggest hunk of crap. It looks like my fingerprints are all over it. It looks like I squeezed clay for like two seconds and went, I'm going over a smoke. I'm skipping class. Are you coming, Alexandra? Like, it was like, it looks like a lazy asshole's fuck you to school. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not good with my hands at all.

No? I mean, when it comes to making. Wait, no. What do you make with your hands, Chris? Actually, I am bad with my hands all around. But you seem like you could make a good pizza dough. Yeah. Maybe.

Throw it in the air? Yeah. Roll it in your hands? Yeah, I think I make a good pizza dough. Pat it and prick it and mark it with a C? Yeah. Put it in the oven for Chrissy and me? Yeah.

Wait, is that a pie or a pizza? That's a pie. Well, actually, it's a cake. It's a patty cake. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What the? I always picture, like, a pie when you're marking it with something.

A cake. Yeah. Huh. Maybe it's just a, I don't know what a patty cake is it just like a patty like a pancake i just picture those kids from strangers things eating upside down cake and patty cakes in the undertow in the undertow that's the tool this is so 90s i feel disgusted with myself why i should know something well what do you know you. Well, what do you know? You do know. You know Kool. You know Primus. You know Bored.

No, I should know modern. I should talk about modern references more. Okay, let's. Yeah, okay. What do you think of Taylor Swift's new album? People don't seem very pleased with it. I mean, how could it live up to the last one? The last one was good.

The last one was genuinely good. Yeah, genuine was on it. Oh, that's from the 90s! I'm in hell! I just like turn into teen spirit and explode. I really like this guy, Thundercat. He's from now.

He's a rapper? Oh, he's a musician oh oh he's a musician he's like a jazz bass player that makes really cool soulful jazzy music

oh okay and he has a song out right now that has that goes ding de do ding de do with the lights out

doodly de de um there's more bass in it his version oh I I would love to hear Smells Like Teen Spirit with uhinfeld-style slap bass. Well, somebody out there.

It's out there. Yeah. Send it to me. It's out there. Yeah, it's got to be out there. Yeah, he has a song out right now with Mike McDonald and I think like Kenny Loggins. You mean Michael McDonald? Yeah, and Kenny Loggins.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's really good. Or Mike McDonald, the Canadian comedian. Yeah, Mike McDonald, Kenny Loggins. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's really good. Or Mike McDonald, the Canadian comedian. Yeah, Mike McDonald, Kenny Loggins. I gotta get out of here. So, yeah, I broke a chair. It was very loud. But everybody took it in stride.

Especially considering my family is mean. Oh, I didn't know that hook. Yeah, everyone in my family is mean. Oh, I didn't know that hook. Yeah, everyone in my family is mean. So, anyway. Maybe they were like, he just had foot and mouth disease. Give him a break. Chris's face

is the picture of joy. Wait, where does it go? How does it go? Oh, my God. Very good. There you go. Oh, God. And Dave found that right quick.

Yeah. Like. Yeah. Yeah, everything's done. Everything's done. Oh, how about this one? What is that? It's a different one.

But every... It's a sample of Jerry Seinfeld saying, See, this is what the kids are doing these days. This is what millennials are doing to our generation's memories. They're going like, Oh, you like this? What about this? And here we are going but that's from the 90s yeah but i'm allowed to mash up my culture yeah yeah yeah we had to live

through it um graham what's going on with you um so there's this, in British Columbia, there's this contentious dam project. Damn. Damn, girl. I feel like, oh, wait, no, damn, I wish I was your lover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I feel like a woman. 90s, 90s. Oh, God, I mean, I'm so scared.

But it's this dam called the Sightsee Dam, right? And it's been going on. This controversy about whether they're going to finish it or not has been going on for years and years. And so I was up in Fort St. John where the dam is being built. You were doing comedy there? I was doing some dam work. Yeah, sure. I was doing some surfing.

Damn, Daniel. Did you have your finger in a hole? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they were like, it works. It holds. He put his finger in the hole, but then they put on pork soda, and they were like, take that out. Take that out. Oh, my God.

You're not good with your hands. But I was doing corporate Christmas parties up in up in port st john which is a town uh doesn't have a ton of sidewalks okay yeah it's like like a entirely like when the guy picked me up at the airport he's like you want to rent a car and i was like i'm only here for like two days like i don't need a car he was right he needed a car to get anywhere like i ended up like walking down the side of the alaskan highway to like just go to get food or whatever um and the food you got was you had to catch salmon in the river with your bare hands yeah which i think is unfair um i'm a city folk why can't i hire a guy to do that? You need to go through customs to go to Alaska.

No, it's not in Alaska. It's in BC, but yes. Oh. Yeah. Because I feel like up there, they'd be like, Oh, yeah, I think it's probably pretty. Yeah. Like, I think you can ride a reindeer across.

They're like, do you want to live here? What are you running from? You can ride a pig across. See you later. So. I'm in America. I was doing the first night. I was doing the first night show. I was talking about something that I read in their local paper.

Kind of like, hey, I did a little reading about the town here, you know? And then this one woman just started heckling me about the dam. Like she was mad that I was from Vancouver. Cause I guess people in Vancouver don't want the dam. I, but I was like, I didn't bring up a fucking dam.

And then she kept saying stuff to me about the dam. And then after the show, she came up to me was talking about this dam and i was like but i never said like you represented all of vancouver protesters yeah and i was drinking a glass of water and then she was like you know that water came out of a dam well no she was like why aren't you drinking beer you one of those vancouverites oh i just drink water with a lime and I didn't even have a lime in it I was like what the fuck is going on a lime that is mega prejudice yeah but it's like what what did I do

it was very weird and then another guy a separate guy came up to me and he's like you should you can go like tour the dam site I was like why why does everybody here think I'm so interested in this fucking dam that i never brought up but like he's like it's only like 20 minutes away it's because it's the one industry there it's all they know it's the the industry of this oil and lumber so it's not even anything to do with how new is the dam it's not even built yet that's well that's my stomach. That's why they're just like,

um, super psyched about a dam. Yeah. And they're probably mad at you that you didn't bring it up. Yeah. Maybe that's it. Didn't you hear about our dam? Yeah. That's really weird.

It's like, if you went to Boston, they're like, yeah, I know you don't like cheers. Okay. I can tell you don't like cheers. Yeah.

And you're like, yeah, I like it. Fine. I don tell you don't like cheers. Yeah. You're like, I like it. Fine. I don't think about it a lot. Yeah. I think it's bad for the environment. But yeah, so it was like,

it was weird. It was weird. This insistence that like, like I should know something about this. I mean, I had heard of it. Yeah. But like the, as a lefty here in Vancouver who doesn't really pay that much attention.

Yeah. Like there's like four or five pipelines and dams that we're supposed to not like. Yeah. And it's hard to keep track of them all. I don't really care. Well, and it's, but it would have been one thing if I was like, oh, the place where the dam is and then like really you know launched into it but like yeah like talk about the dam like what she's just got a weird bitterness about the activism in vancouver i guess i guess but then also was mad that i wasn't drinking a beer like yeah that like typified because i'm

like that's all anybody does in vancouver is go to fucking breweries and drink beer she's like you should get wasted and let corporations cover you in cement like that's basically what she wants like what so yeah it was it was really weird and then uh like i was had to a whole day to kill in uh fort sage on so i like walked along the highway until i found like a mall and it was like uh just like exactly you can picture it in your head like it's a one level mall uh orange julia stand indoor mall indoor mall not a strip mall no they had strip malls too but i went I went for the indoor mall. And it didn't even have a name.

You know how like malls usually have. Yeah. Like it's the Sunshine Mall. This was just called mall. Like it just had mall. And there was one store that I guess was a pop-up store. Because it didn't have a name. It didn't have a name on the uh above the store

and they sold uh some women's shoes some pajamas and then like a ton of swords and that was it that was the whole store was just like why swords why are swords coming back i don't think they ever left swords coming back from when like the middle ages or when we needed them yeah i feel like they've been pretty strong for the last 15 years yeah and i think your game of thrones has really like ensured that yeah i bet you there are more than we think people out there stocking up on swords for the apocalypse. There's a, yeah. I feel like we had Rory Scoville on the show,

and I think he said it's almost always guys that shouldn't have swords are the guys who have the most swords. Yeah, for sure. Like the guys who have the most swords yeah for sure like the guys who are probably least able to like manipulate a sword to do what you want it to do right like they cut off their own head yeah yeah yeah yeah uh on guard and then they just fall over and bleed into the sewer when you were a teenager did you want a sword it feels like a teenager thing to like have thing yeah more like maybe when I was 8

yeah fair enough when I was a teen I just wanted Primus to play our prom promise promise

oh nice this has been a great day for puns yeah the theme of this year's prom is Primus under the sea

oh man enchantment under the seas of cheese yeah Les Kleepel is Primus Under the Sea. Enchantment Under the Seas of Cheese. Les Claypool sings about the sea and fishing a lot. He's a fisherman. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, no. Alexandra, where are you? What are the major tropes of Primus songs? Cheese.

Cheese. Sea. Fish. Fish. Puppies. Dogs. Tweaking. Okay. People being, acting super weird. Uh- Sea. Fish. Fish. Puppies. Dogs. Tweaking. Okay.

Like people acting super weird. Uh-huh. Character, weird characters. Yeah. Puppies. Too many puppies. Too many puppies. Ah, that sounds so good.

So, Chris. Too many puppies. We've been talking about something recently on the show in the last few weeks. It's a bit of important business. It's a bit of important business because people talk all the time about ghosts and goblins. And we all know what ghosts are. What is a ghost? A ghost is the sheet of a dead person.

Exactly. Like a sheet of a dead person. the sheet of a dead person. Exactly. Like a sheet of a dead person. But no one really has a clear idea of what is a prototypical goblin. And so we're going to do a new segment called What is a Goblin?

Hit it. What is a goblin? What is a goblin? What is a goblin? Chris. Wow. That was sent in by Nate C. Nate C.

If you want to send us a theme song, it's spy at maximumfun.org. And Nate C. would like to know, what is a goblin? Chris, what is a goblin? What is a goblin? A goblin is sort of like a dwarf mixed with an elf that got shit out of a demon's ass. Because they're gooey. I feel like goblins are always gooey. Because they're gooey. I feel like goblins are always gooey. They're always gooey.

They have pointed ears. They're bald. Oh no, maybe you're right. Maybe I didn't say anything. Maybe I'm thinking of demons. Maybe you're right. I think I'm thinking of ghoulies. They're always coming out of the toilet.

They're always covered in goo. They're bald. Yeah. All I know about goblins is they're bald. I think the expert... After like 10 episodes of us getting this, we'll have a composite artist. Am I saying anything different? Yeah. The bald thing is new. getting this. We'll have a like a composite artist.

Am I saying anything different? Yeah. Yeah. The bald thing is new. And also that they're really slime. I think we've had wet.

They're wet. They're often wet. Yeah, I feel gooey. I feel like E.T. was like a goblin. Okay. From space. Yeah, space goblin.

Space goblin. I always, like when I, E.T.'s basically the first movie I ever remember seeing of my life. It was a movie of your life?

It's burnt into. It was the first ever movie I remember seeing that was a movie of my life. I was like, there I am. My older brother's really into Elvis Costello. But yeah, I always remember thinking like, ew, E.T., you're getting the sheets all wet. Was E.T. wet? I just feel like he was. So when he was in the closet with all the stuffed animals, he was getting them kind of.

Well, don't you notice that some of the stuffed animals are sort of inching away from him? That was not part of the movie. The stuffed animals weren't yeah they're like uh um yeah speaking of needing a lot of hand lotion like oh et yeah yeah especially near the end there when they find him in the uh when he's dry down river yeah yeah he looks like chalk what's that all about and you know what's weird? Around that time in the history... 1982? 1982, dog poop was white.

Dry and white. So in a way, E.T. is dog poop from space. And when they leave him outside for too long, he gets all dry and white. Why do you... What makes you think that only happened then? Because, when's the last time you've seen white, dry dog poo? I don't, I don't remember. Exactly, you don't remember because it was fucking 80s. It was some weird, some weird in their food.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, you may be right. It was something weird in the food. I think, yeah, I've heard that. I've heard that. So we've determined. So if you ask me, goblins are the men in control of dog food in the 80s. Very good.

No, I don't like that one. But you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That connection is real. No, I don't know what you mean. But honestly, when Steven Spielberg was brainstormondheim. Yeah. He was brainstorming E.T. by himself. He was like,

what if poo came from space and a child was like, this is not gross. I mean, a child would say this is not gross. Well,

do we want to move on to overheard? Sure. Oh, okay. this is not gross uh well uh do we want to move on to overheard sure oh okay hello internet i'm your husband host travis mcelroy and i'm your wife host theresa mcelroy and together we present schmanners it's extraordinary etiquette for ordinary occasions we explain the historical significance of everyday etiquette topics, then answer your questions relating to modern life. So join us weekly on MaximumFun.org or wherever podcasts are found. No RSVP required. Check out Schmanners.

Schmanners, Schmanners. Get it? SF Sketch Fest is just around the corner, January 11th to 28th, and there will be plenty of Max Fun shows there to represent. We're bringing Judge John Hodgman on the 11th, Jordan Jesse Goh with special guest Andy Richter on the 12th, Schmanners on the 14th. We got this with Mark and Hal also on the 14th. The Greatest Generation and Friendly Fire Podcast Super Show on the 17th. Pop Rocket host Guy Branum's talk show The Game Show on the 19th.

And One Bad Mother on the 21st. You can learn more about these shows and get tickets at MaximumFun.org slash SFSketchFest18. Get your tickets now. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which we here hear things out there and then share them here. And we always like to start with the guest. Chris, do you have an overheard one?

I sent you a reminder. You wrote back. Yeah. So we'll start. Yeah. I wrote. Oh, darn it. Yeah. Yeah.

So we'll start with the best one first. Yours? So I was in a diner a few hours ago. Yeah. Fable Diner at the corner of Main and Broadway. Really good pork. And if you like puns, porg. Yeah, and then so Graham texted me to remind me about the overheard,

and I panicked. I can't think of one. So I opened my ears for the last little bit. I was paying the bill around that time. Yeah. So for the last little bit, and I did hear, uh, a man who was talking to another man across from me, I did hear him say this, this is my overheard. He went, that sounds crazy.

I wonder what it was. Isn't that one good? That's exciting. Yeah. That was your smile. I know that your listeners are going to be very disappointed, but to me, that's so exciting. A lot of them drove off the road listening to that right now. Yeah.

Like, what was so crazy? Yeah, the possibilities are endless. Yeah, it's true. And your smile at the end of it really sold it. Yeah, you guys, the listeners did not see the smile. They're mad right now. They heard it. Yeah.

Can you hear this? Dave, do you have an overheard? I don't think it's going to top that. Oh, my God. You're not even going to explore that one? Yeah, move along. I'm yeah move along guys it sounds crazy i thought the anti-comedy would kill but no it did uh like the it's hard to judge it in the room yeah exactly and isn't anti-comedy supposed to get not laughs right yeah oh my god And then you just disappear? Yeah. Mine is, well, this isn't mine, but it was something I wanted to say because I think it's funny.

So Margo, well, she likes to pretend to be the mommy. Okay. I'm the mommy. And then I will always say, oh, then who am I? And I'll be the dog or the sister or whatever. Sure. She decides. Because she's the mommy. always say oh then who am i and i'll be the dog or the sister or whatever sure she decides because she's the mommy but it's just like i won't even know that she's playing something it'll just be like oh i'm you know doing the dishes and she's in her room and then all of a sudden i'm the mommy

yeah oh okay and then the other day abby said uh oh then what am i and margo, you are toilet. Hello, toilet. No way. You are toilet. Hello, toilet. Hello, toilet. Wow. And without, like, just moving right along. Okay, so hello, toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now you be toilet. Yeah. Okay, bedtime. I don't think so, toilet. But here is my actual overheard. Oh, you got two good ones? Yeah, that's right. You know what? This is

sort of my... That's all you have. Magnum Opus? Yeah, it's kind of my craft. It's my trade. Here's my excuse for when I got Graham's text. I'm full. I'm full. I'm full of.

I'm sweating pork sweat. I've never been there for breakfast. Do they have a good pork? Yes. It's a pork disc. A pork disc? Yeah. I wonder what that guy was saying was so crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. I wonder too. Let's discuss. Okay. Sorry. You've got. Okay, sorry. You've got another really good one. This is a really good one.

Someone said something so crazy. I was at Canadian Tire, which is, if you're not from Canada, it's like an automotive parts store that also has now everything. It's like a little bit of Walmart. Yeah, you can get a tent there or you can get a stuffy. It's like a Walmart. And it's also like when I was a kid, it's where you got all your hockey equipment. Yeah. Yeah.

They used to have these really cool gumball machines by the door. That's all. Yeah. It's like if an auto storage grew into a Walmart. I've literally bought on one trip in Canadian Tire, a frying pan and a garden gnome. Same project. Now that is a goblin. Garden gnome with a frying pan chasing you around?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So there was this big, I don't know why. It was just a pallet. I didn't even know they had this here at Canadian Tire. A pallet of white sugar comes in those like paper bags. Yeah. They're folded shut.

And just a giant pallet of them. And people had been buying them. Like it was half a pallet now. And a couple was walking behind me. And the guy said, there's something you don't buy anymore. Bags of sugar. And the woman was like, oh yeah. And I don't understand what they mean.

No, I don't understand, because isn't that the only way to get sugar? Yeah. Or like, was this a personal thing? Like, you don't buy white sugar anymore. Yeah, that's something you don't buy anymore. But it's still something people buy as evidenced by the fact that the Canadian Tire

like, uh, customers had pillaged it. But they don't sell food there, do they? Well, they have a kitchen department, where you can get a Cuisinart. I don't know that they have food. You wouldn't get anything refrigerated. Yeah, do you think it's something that they accidentally delivered to the wrong store and they're like, move it. just price it to sell and we'll just get sugar in a

way is functional like a knife or a blender yeah because here's the thing to all those people out there listening being like well i cut out sugar listen have a bag of sugar in the cupboard because some good recipes still require a nice little sprinkle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't have to eat chocolate bars all the time. Also, keep some. Put a sprinkle of sugar in your recipe. Keep some sugar in the cupboard in case someone comes over and you offer them a cup of coffee and they like sugar with their coffee. Right, good point, yeah.

Don't be like, get out of here. You know, like. Here, I'll push the button. No white sugar. But sugar. No white flour. It doesn't go bad ever, right? It can solidify. Yeah. But. But I don't. But sugar. No white flour. It doesn't go bad ever, right? It can solidify.

Yeah. But brown sugar solidifies pretty quick. You could just chip off a bit. Yeah. People keep pieces of bread in bags of brown sugar. So it keeps it soft, which I hate. You hate a soft brown sugar? No, I love soft brown sugar.

Aesthetically, I hate seeing crumples of bread. Crumples? I've never seen crumples. How do you feel about rice in a salt shaker? Yeah, grosses me out.

It makes me feel like I have stones in my skin. This is why we bring you on. Yeah. Because of this, because of this

kind of insight. Because you can literally feel crazy. Yeah. Because wait, I want to hear because of this because of this kind of insight because you can literally crazy yeah because wait I want to hear why Dave likes

me coming on because you make that extra leap that no one else does yeah oh yeah you know what

it doesn't bother me too much like I don't like the look of the rice in the salt but and it's

using up real estate that the salt could be taking up. So you have to refill the shaker a little bit more. How about you, Chris stones in my skin? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It makes me feel like, um, some weird space flower shot pores into my face and now I'm turning into a different creature. Oh, wow. Well,

here's no, I will tell you it's a, yeah, it is another aesthetic thing because I have this issue with blood oranges. Oh. So blood oranges, I would cut them up. And one time I was a juicer at a restaurant called Fresh in Toronto. Yeah.

A healthy vegetarian restaurant. And I was a juicer there for four years. And one time we were making a special blood orange juice because i think they were like canadian tire they got a weird shipment of blood oranges one day yeah but you'd cut them and they're dark red and fleshy you know but then these giant seeds would squish out of them and it really it's like yeah it's like a hard thing coming out of a pore that makes me feel really yeah see i don't even like a soft thing coming out of a pour yeah pours you listen they're all over us like that's true things can come out of them that is the grossest feeling i i know and then so the the rice mixed with salt so

it does come from a very reasonable stream of thought so did you oh here a good, here's something you should have done at the juice place. You should have, you know, put a little carbonation in that, called a poor soda. Poor soda, there you go. Oh my God. If English is your second language, we've been talking pork, porgs, and pores. Yeah. You missed a calling by not being born in vaudeville. I was actually born in vaudeville general hospital.

Everyone is a patch Adams at that place. Am I right? All right, we get it. You know what? You know what would be the best thing about patch Adams? What would be the best thing? Go ahead.

Is that maybe from the 90s ah shit if like if he helped kids leave the hospital because they were just like okay I gotta

get out of here you made me want to get better so I didn't deal with your fucking nose oh Jesus Christ here comes the

clown man fucking cancer the clown man of the hospital how's it going uh yeah uh so Graham Fucking cancer. Clown man of the hospital. How's it going? Uh, yeah. So, Graham.

Sorry. You haven't overheard. I do, I do. And then we'll go back and we'll do Chris's next one. Yeah, yeah. Let me think of one. During Graham's. There was two lads on the bus, just got off of work together.

You could tell because they were talking about their work day and then Were they dressed in business suits? No, oh sorry, no like steel toe boots and the like You should have known by the way you said lads Yeah, a couple of lads Business lads

Yeah, only wolves do These two lads What street do the lads work on uh easy street mud pit um they uh the one guy was like trying to describe a vegetable to his friend and they were like they were really on the same page i think these are the same guys that had breakfast by me that sounds crazy and the guy's like you know it's like uh it's like a pickle but not and then his friend goes you mean a zucchini and he goes yeah so good i would have guessed cucumber no yeah me too but these guys they were on the same they should have a podcast yeah they were real

real nice uh wavelength these guys you guys should have a the same they should have a podcast yeah they were real real nice uh wavelength these guys you guys should have a podcast yeah i should have said that yeah that should be your and then give them your card yeah i love the idea of this guy was trying to describe a vegetable to the other guy just the concept of a vegetable it like comes out of the ground it's green sometimes fibrous yeah it's in the there's a whole section of it in the grocery store sometimes they got seeds sometimes not and doesn't come in a package yeah uh they're supposed to be really good for you supposed to have all sorts of things in it that you need. How else would you describe a vegetable?

Leafy, I guess? Yeah, wet. It might not be wet, but if you squeeze it, it'll get wet. Oh, yeah, that's right. Most vegetables are gooey and bald. Oh, boy. It's like pictures of guys

at the top of a skyscraper just eating lunch. It's insane. It's insane. They can't even... Pictures of guys like, you know, at the top of a skyscraper, like just eating lunch or. It's insane. It's insane. Like. They can't even catcall from that far away. They must ring up people on an elevator.

Yeah. Or they need a telescope and like a megaphone. But it's like. You're wanting some fries with that shake. We have robots that have replaced. Like the siren goes off. I know what you're doing. But you know, like they've replaced cashiers with robots. You would think like the high up in the sky jobs would be the first.

Yeah. Like let's replace that scary, super dangerous. What if you drop a robot? Yeah, then that's. Right. More money than a flesh and bone man. Yeah. Yeah. super dangerous. What if you drop a robot? Yeah, then that's, right? More money than a flesh and bone man. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Or women. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Thank you. Yeah. That was equality in action.

Women are just as worthless as men. Now we also have overheard sent into us from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Amy S. I work in a building that hosts public events. Tonight, there's a middle school band concert, and two kids are carrying their instrument cases in. One kid was carrying a big trombone case over his shoulder. Kid one, hey hey the way you're carrying that it looks like a bazooka kid two here comes the bazookas honk honk

what do you think are the big middle school like do they do pop covers do you think they'll do like an uptown funk probably an uptown funk probably a let it go probably you know an Uptown Funk? Probably an Uptown Funk. Probably a Let It Go. Probably. Oh, sure. An instrument. Like, yeah, an instrumental from like. A song everyone knows that has horns. Yeah, where people are like, this is satisfying to hear this song. And it's fun for the kids to get to play something they know. Yeah.

I played trombone in middle school. Did you? We didn't play any Primus or anything. We played Jurassic Park. Did you? We didn't play any Primus or anything. We played Jurassic Park. Did you? Yeah, yeah. That's cool. I did my middle school band only did two old covers.

Yeah. That's cool. Is that true? No. Yeah, that's not cool. What did you play? What type of music? Trombone.

No, but what type of song? I don't remember. 76 Trombones? Yeah. of music? Trombone. No, but what type of song? I don't remember. 76 Trombones? Yeah. 99 Luft Trombones. It's not wrong. They do use air. Yeah.

This next one comes from Melissa B. I was over at my grandparents' house helping to decorate, set up their fake Christmas tree. I left the room for a moment and overheard my granny say to a Santa doll that sits on the mantel. I'm already laughing. Well, naughty boy, what do you have in store for us this year? No one was around? Yeah. She was saying it to the stuff.

Whoa. That is a way juicier anecdote from even beyond this section of the podcast that's the funniest thing i've heard in a long time even the sentence i overheard my granny say this to santa a santa doll well naughty boy and also she's flirting with the doll on the mantel. Yeah. No, now I'm sad. Why? Oh, well, it's good. What are the sexiest Santa songs?

There's Santa Baby. Yeah. There's I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. Here's the thing I figured out about that one. Oh. I think that mommy was kissing the person's dad dressed as Santa. There it is. This guy's breaking it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. Or she's having an affair. That's the dressed as Santa. There it is. This guy's breaking it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Or she's having an affair. That's the other possible interpretation. Yeah, it's a dark song. I lost the too sexy Santa. The Santa baby is like, she's, I mean, this is not new territory. No. But the fact that she's like, I deserve,

so I deserve a platinum mine. Cause I didn't kiss every fella. Yeah, that's right. Cause I, cause you know what? I could have kissed every fella this year. And she also, did a woman write that song?

Yeah. Yeah. It was written by, uh, one of the suffragettes, Susan B. Anthony dollar. Uh, this last one comes from ryan s uh i was at a bar with a buddy the bartender uh was an older lady talking to one of the regulars

uh and she said uh chili is a good food for you it's got fiber protein vegetables probably minerals there probably are some minerals in there you know in in that there's probably minerals in everything right i don't know if i'm getting enough minerals no i guess i'm not i guess i am oh what are the major minerals your minerals magnesium magnesium magneto magneto uh sodium iron carbon sodium is all over chili yeah it's true plenty of sodium uh niacin there's magnesium in cheese i believe okay no maybe not or if you put banana slices on top of your chili oh yeah potassium uh you know uh ricin imagine she was like you gotta try this bowl of chili and it was just like a bowl of different supplements yeah this is what i think chili is sprinkle some pills on top yeah there's probably some minerals in this flintstones chewable chili iron oh that's a big one I already said it

Oh Iron's in a ton of Right Yeah Yeah we all get iron Yeah I love iron You wouldn't know it

If I'm looking at my shirt Oh Wrinkly Yeah No In addition to overheards That are written in We also accept your phone calls

You wanna call us? Hey, man, it's 2018. Use the phone, dude. Thanks for listening. Oh, boy. And instead of looking up the phone number, I literally just Googled 2018. But I don't need to look up the phone number because I know it. And it is 1-844-779-7631.

That is one. Ugh. Spy Paul. One. Like these people. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Chris calling from New Jersey with an overheard. My wife and I were going to see a movie, and as we were walking into our theater,

we saw a guy come out of a different theater, and he walked up to the ticket taker, and then we heard him say, excuse me, we purchased tickets for seats B2 and B3, but it appears that someone has vomited in seats B2 and B3. Would it be possible to move to seats D2 and D3? Which, I don't know how much difference that was going to make. Two, I would have gone way, way rows behind.

Well, we don't want to be in Vama. We want to be near Vama. Also, it's weird that now you can buy, yeah, at some theaters you can buy assigned seating tickets. It's wonderful. wonderful yeah but it's like i never thought i'd see the day and it almost seems like it makes old-timey uh just going and the festival seating like seems kind of crazy it does it like the i uh my i think i have so like i have so many trigger anxieties. I'm going to movies with people who wanted to smoke pot. Can you save us seven seats, Dave, while we go smoke pot and walk in ten minutes late?

Yeah. Do you mind planking across? That's where Reserving the Seats came from now. And they have those commercials now, even before the movie, where they're like, That's where Reserving the Seats came from now. Yeah, because... And they have those commercials now, even before the movie, where they're like, don't be a Tommy Seat taker. And you're like, all right. Don't be a Rebecca Ringtone lever on.

That's the best you could do. That's pretty good. Don't be a Victor vomit on seat. Next phone call, baby. Hi, Dave, Graham, and hilarious guests. This is John from Athens, Georgia, calling with an overheard. I was recently at the local fast food place with my two young daughters at the little play area, and I heard a kid loudly yell,

Alright, everybody! In ten seconds, the purge starts! And all the little kids started screaming, and my daughters turned to me and asked, Daddy, can we go play the purge? Daddy, is it purge time yet? May we?

We've eaten all our purge-tables. Is it purge time yet? May we, we've eaten all our purge-tables. It is the most special time of year, the purge. It's solved crime. That's in the movie. That's what it says, that it's solved crime somehow. And it takes place in a McDonald's play place.

Can we play the purge, daddy? It's the only other holiday of the year where you can hear sleigh bells all the time. Yeah. Because people are allowed to do whatever they want. Yeah, they're slaying people with bells attached to their wrists. I would just download as many Major League Baseball games. Oh, yeah. Like, just because every other day of the year, it's illegal.

Or I'd make my own Mickey Mouse cartoon mickey mouse cartoon yeah and distribute it widely i'd kill you yeah yeah but you know check out these bootleg tom petty shirts i made here's your final overheard baby hello stop podcasting yourself this is christine in vancouver with an overheard um i was at palette uh coffee roasters in east van waiting for my friend to come meet me to go for a photo shoot and i was overhearing and eavesdropping on the barista she was clearly talking to someone that she already knew, mostly about roasting, but then they started making small talk. And she said, so how's your mom?

And the guy cut her off and interjected with, she works in a church. She's pretty Jesus. Well, off I go. She's pretty Jesus? Yeah, she's pretty Jesus. Pretty Jesus. I can pretty Jesus.

Walking down the street i actually just think that's a cool modern hip way of talking yeah because we get all the we get all the context yeah yeah yeah she's pretty she's pretty jesus yeah she's jesus af very good yeah really good that's not from the 90s no okay here we go more 90s um oh i thought you were gonna play something from the 90s uh chris yeah that brings us to the end of the episode oh that was good yes that was fun yeah very fun thank you very much for being a guest. Thanks for having me. I always have big, hearty laughs, and that's what I think the soul needs. Yeah. Now, everyone, I just want you to imagine you're a teenager.

You are in a bedroom, door closed, with someone you have a crush on. And then you hear this. Where are you going? Where are you going, Alexandra? Yep. Yep. Yep. And fade it out.

Yeah. Chris, this episode comes out in January. Yep Yep Yep And fade it out Yeah Chris This episode comes out In January Do you have anything Coming up in January You would like to plug Or any resolutions You want to plug

Yeah if you're listening To this In January Check out how much Broccoli I'm eating More of now Hey congratulations I don't know

If you're in Ontario I think I'm doing the kitchener comedy festival i think that's in february i don't have huge dates hammered down yet but my my web series is out now called learning nature with chris lock on funny or die check that out nice yeah what is that um i i i play a character that uh tries to teach you about nature, but really I'm crazy and I go even more crazy. Nice. Yeah. And where can people find you if they want to find you online?

There's chrislockcomedy.com and then go to Twitter at Chris Lock Fun. Chris Lock Fun. Yeah. Because there's another Chris Lock who snatched it all up there's a million more successful chris locks really yeah they work in computers like little tiny man yeah yeah whose boss is this um and uh you listeners out there if you want to you know, you can send us a, what is your goblin theme? Yeah, you can.

You know what? I'm sort of rethinking that. Like, we might be full up. We maybe don't want to do this segment. Like, I think we maybe. We don't want to do it forever. We have maybe four more themes. That's probably plenty.

You can follow us at Stop Podcasting. You can find us on Facebook facebook yeah uh primus.com pork soda.org pork soda.porg and check out the new star wars movie uh buy the action figures yeah yeah yeah support this franchise yeah the guys that made star wars uh worked really hard on it guys so try and check it out. Long hours went into that. Yeah, it should be

playing at some theaters in your city. Yeah. Maybe it's, you know, this is January, it's probably not in theaters anymore. It was sort of an art house

in and out. But, you know, see if you can find it on Blu-ray. But they put it out before Christmas, so, you know, it got, you know,

Oscar consideration. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And as always, be kind to yourself. Yeah, and one another. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.