Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 515 - Chris James

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

Comedian Chris James joins us to talk cats in heat, balding with dreadlocks, and movie channels.

Hey, everybody. Before we start the show, we wanted to let everyone in Vancouver know that there's going to be a live Stop Podcasting Yourself Thursday, March 8th at the Biltmore Cabaret as a part of the JFL Northwest Comedy Festival. And it's, you know what? If you haven't seen us live, you got to see the ab work I've been doing. You can't see it. I won't post pictures of it. Everybody's phones are banned from the show. You have to see it with your own eyes. Later in the show, we're going to have a chance to plug this show, and we're not going to do it. No. So we decided to put this here right now. Go to jflnorthwest.com for tickets and info. Show now go.

Off we go! Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 515 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who believes that a generic laundry pod is good enough for his family to eat. Mr. Dave Shumka.

Yeah, well it is like Tide has really scored with this Tide Pod Challenge. Boy have they ever. Because Cascade makes these things. Yep. You know. There's other. Gain. Maybe sunlight.

Sure. Yeah. But it's Tide. Tide and Tide only are capitalizing. Maybe it's the color. It's a nice color. But like it was. Orange and purple. The famous, like they were famously things that you are not supposed to eat. color it's uh it's a nice it's a nice color but like it was orange and purple the famous like

they were famously things that you are not supposed to eat i know but that makes them all the more alluring and that and that's why it's because they look like candy to kids oh boy they look so good and when you hold like have you ever used one yeah so squishy so much fun i've only used the uh dish ones okay they're you know they're fun they're like if you put your hand in the container of them and let your finger just kind of wiggle around fun but if you if one of them breaks they're all busted yeah like the whole container and then you have to just eat them with a spoon. You can't eat them one at a time anymore. I put them in my rice maker with like twice as much water.

I feel like that's something your parents would do if you swore. They'd make you eat a Tide Pod. Eat a Tide Pod and go to bed without uploading it to YouTube. Our guest this week, speaking of of youtube has a show on youtube called the not even a show show uh he's a very funny comedian mr chris james is our guest oh hi gram hi dave hi listeners hello hi chris yeah i just want to make a good i hope that was a good first impression yeah yeah yeah really good you've been on the show before yeah and you don't think that was a good impression well it was a very long time ago yeah probably maybe people who are listening they don't even remember it was like 1980 something it was it was in a time before Tide Pods even existed that's

probably true yeah no it was uh long enough ago that I was really new to comedy and very intimidated by both of you. Now I'm not. Now I don't care about it. Yeah, now you don't give a shit about anything, right? I was very intimidated, and I was saying I listened back to it. And now people are going to go back and listen. Yeah, for sure they will. Yeah, it was a really poor performance.

I'll let you know I listen back every day to your episode. It's a weird ritual. And then I whip myself. Sort of as a punishment. Yeah. You should be punished for it. To know us? Get to know us.

That's going to count against you Yeah, exactly Oh no Oh man Oh no, boy So Chris James You have two first names Two first names

Yeah, I have my last name I have two first names I never thought about that Clark I actually have three Because it's Graham Thomas Clark Yeah, but everyone has a middle Well, no, my middle name is a last name

David Seton Shumka What's your middle name? My middle name is James Oh, you did Seaton Shumka. What's your middle name? My middle name is James. Oh, you did a switcheroo. Yes, I'm a liar. My middle name is Neil Patrick Harris. Wait, that's only two first names. You switched it for show business reasons?

Yes, for show business. When I started, back in the time when I was on the podcast before, I had a real um I don't I started by the way did we cover this last time you were on I mean maybe yeah but it's a good recap okay well I thought there was a wide receiver named Chris Chambers and I did one set of comedy and I thought well you know I don't want to have people having to click through on on wikipedia and find the you know the Chris so I went with james but there's a thousand of those yeah and then i was just yeah then i would just uh i just never changed you consider chris ochocinco yes chris world peace is it it was his last name meta world

peace no his first name was what oh boy was meta meta world peace yeah that was the full name yeah ron artest was his real name and uh did he do that quickly out like when he went into the stands and assaulted those he did i think that was much later maybe two or three years after that yeah he's a he was a really interesting guy yeah i remember seeing the leak for a long time an interview where somebody asked him a question like a very straight ahead question. And then he started talking about how he feels lucky that you get your baby teeth when you're a baby and not as an adult. It would look so weird. But like he was an interesting guy for 10 years ago.

I feel like now a lot of athletes have developed a personality. Oh, like because they know cause they know that that. Yeah. It's their whatever. Yeah. And like, like every, I follow Instagrams that are just like, you know, show you 30 sports clips a day. Whoa. It's too many.

But it's like, it's really easy to, or not easy, but it's like really something where you can totally shine now. Yeah, yeah. And they have social media as well. So they're always on. Right. Yeah, it's sometimes fun to follow someone because, yeah, like you said, they're wild. Like Joel Embiid is this guy from Philadelphia. He's a basketball player.

And he really likes feet. And so he'll go on different, like he'll go on the thing and he'll like say like, oh, and very nice feet. And people will try to, who have called him out on it like hey and he's like yeah yeah yeah yeah he like that's like women's feet yeah i don't even know if it's women's or men's but yeah he just is a fan of feet like i guess he has that dr scholl's yeah money yeah that's where i mean a basketball player foot yeah we'll probably be dr sch Dr. Scholl's. Yeah. That's the natural fit. Not a shoe company or anything. But he's like,

he's just like fine with everybody. Yeah, he doesn't have a, I think that's the new sort of era of athlete as well as, or just a human being.

Yeah. And everybody's all like, oh yes, that's how I am. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of refreshing I guess.

Yeah. I guess, I mean, I don't know, maybe people, maybe the person who's posting the photo doesn't want their foot to be commented on. Doesn't want a bunch of sports fans racing to their profile. Yeah, that's a pretty nice foot.

Good arches. What is that, a seven? So, Chris, since you've been on. Since you've been on. You started up this YouTube show, which which i've watched many many episodes have you moved into logan paul's house well i'm hoping to get to that i keep telling people i'm hoping to get to that like logan paul level that they keep saying i should stop using that as a reference why well he's the only one i know though so I know he's quite successful in spite of all the other stuff.

Yeah. Who else is there? There's Jake Paul. Jake Paul. Yes, Jake. There's a Tyler Oakley. There's a. Oh, there's.

Every. I mean, Logan Paul. He only has the one first name. But it's his last name. Yeah, that's true. I'm trying to think. There's some. There's like. I don't there's there's tons of them

is uh haters back off a youtube star oh yeah miranda sings yeah oh very much yeah she's do it did a whole thing just for laughs you can get that now just from being a good youtube channel yeah yeah why would you do anything else yeah yeah like why would you why would you travel all over the country like winning over one audience at a time when you could just like uh we're gonna put fire extinguishers uh we're gonna light a thing on fire hide all the fire the reactions that is a very good prank like every like as much as i don't like just like a knee-jerk reaction i don't like these jake paul logan pauls everything every prank i've heard about has been very funny

yeah i mean that's the thing about pranks is like recalling them when you like hear somebody tell the story of a prank it's good it's a good story. One of them pretended to buy the other one a Lamborghini for his birthday and went through with it, got the Lamborghini, put a sold sign in the window, put a bow on it, had him sit down, and then a real owner came by and said, put me back my Lamborghini. That's pretty great.

But then at the end of it, they felt so bad, the two of them bought each other Lamborghinis. I think that's that's where people start hating them i think but you know what yeah that's true that's when they start dabbing on those haters yeah you're right you're right that's what the haters need to back off yeah um uh but your show uh one of the things you do is you call it like conservative. What are, they're not talk radio cause they're not on a radio station anywhere. Some of them are, a lot of them are. Really?

Yeah. Like the Fox news radio ones, obviously. Oh, okay. Joe Walsh freedom. He's on radio, but yeah, some of them just do it in their home and they broadcast on the internet. Yeah. Uh, to, and a bunch of other people. What a bunch of losers.

Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah, I never even considered that that's just what a podcast is. That is what a podcast is. I mean, you guys have, I'll tell you,

I don't know your numbers, but I'm guessing that you have quite a few more listeners than these people that I'm calling. But these guys do a live call-in show from their house yes that's uh yeah i mean the guy the main guy that i call his name is jim lockwood he's blind and he has see dave's looking at me like he's probably should we like this guy at all though

and think feel bad but no if you right if you listened i tried to make no facial thing. I may have been projecting. Yeah, you got no poker face. But every day of my life, people say, I cannot read your face. I do not know what you are trying to express right now. Go on, blindo. Yeah, he's blind. But he's very racist and homophobic. And he has swords hanging up behind him on his stream that was the main thing i noticed initially was that he had these swords up and so i started calling in as

like a fan of swords someone who's a sword enthusiast and trying to talk to him about the swords like hey what's you know what kind of swords where'd you get them and he would get really mad yeah and so i would just yeah i would continue to like i would call and act like it was a call about something else as in a voice and then it would turn out to be about swords like i would call and act like it was a call about something else as in a voice and then it would turn out to be about swords and i would write songs about the swords where i would replace lyrics from popular songs with sword and uh yeah so it's basically the show is yeah i call different shows and uh and and they they seem to all know you now. Yeah. When you call, they go, okay, this is Chris, and he's calling, and he thinks he's very funny. They always say that.

Yeah, and they always say I live in my parents' basement. So one episode I had my mom and dad call in to the different shows and say, hey, we're trying to get him out of the basement, but he's only 13 years old. And my mom was really funny on it. And then, yeah, my mom called Jim Lockwood, and he became obsessed with her afterwards. He started saying, get your mom to call back in. I want to talk to her. And it turned out after weeks of it,

I found out all he wanted to do was play an orgasm sound effect. That was his big revenge. Male or female? It was presumably a female one. But I've never heard one, so I wouldn't. No, no, I never heard it. He never got to. I never let my mom call back in.

I didn't want her to have to deal with it. How did you find out then? Oh, I just asked him. Oh, okay. He was drunk, blacked out on his new year's eve special he had a call in and i managed to get it out of new year's eve he's drinking out of a big giant bottle with this orange liquid in it and i mean he drank the whole bottle and he was literally blacked out unable to do anything and having a call in radio show. Um,

but yeah, so it's, it's, I started with Kurt Schilling. The baseball racist. Yeah. The baseball racist. I think he's racist. Oh,

most definitely. But yeah, so I, I followed him on Twitter cause I would hear about him in the news and stuff. And I saw that he was doing a show on Breitbart. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's a, it's a news source. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard of that. Yeah. Yeah. So he has his show on Breitbart. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's a, it's a news source.

Yeah. Yeah. I've heard of that. Yeah. Yeah. So he has his show on Breitbart. I'm more of an InfoWars guy. Yeah.

Yeah. Cause that guy, that guy doesn't do it from his house. He does it from some sort of bunker. Yeah. I mean, there's a chance sometimes they'll fool you though. Cause you think, Hey, that's not their house, but they're on a green screen and they have a green screen at their house. Yeah.

That's true. But yeah. Uh, Alex Jones is like a hero to a lot of the guys that i uh call if you can imagine but he that's how he started right he started out just being like uh he was a street preacher yeah yeah street raving lunatic yeah was he really yeah he used to go around in a like he was famous for going around in a car with a like a speaker mounted on car, just like yelling out conspiracies to the world. I mean, it's not, yeah. I mean, it's not very surprising, I guess.

But it's a good business model. Yeah, that's true. I mean, it worked out very well for him. Yeah, why don't we do that? Yeah. And then, you know, we could also just keep some ice cream in the back in case somebody gets confused. That's true.

In case somebody chases us down the block. So you're going to be yelling conspiracy theories with the ice cream music playing? We'll be yelling conspiracy theories. Well, no, just this. Not really conspiracy theories. Just bullshitting back and forth, but maybe to the sound of, you know. The entertainer? Yeah.

Hey, Graham, I'd like to know what you did this weekend with your friend jeff i couldn't think of a one name one joe it doesn't have to rhyme no i know we're not rhymuses yeah that's true we're pharmacists um and uh so it started with kurt schilling yeah and it just kind of went on from that like he introduced me to other well the best thing i ever did probably was that i i would call kurchling he he misused the word defame once he said that like oh james comey said that he was defamed he said i didn't realize that you were could be you were famous he thought it meant to take someone's fame like decapitated like the way the way a child would break the word down and so i i thought it

was really funny so i would always call him and and that would be the end of the call whatever it was it would be something else but there would end with asking him if he knows what the word to fame means and i called him one day and then he said on his twitter that he was going on another bigger radio show and i was the first caller on that radio show. So he drove to another show and the first caller, I asked the host, do you think Kurt knows what the word defame means? And the host started laughing. I mean, yeah, so he lost it and said, you know, this guy calls my show all the time.

And the guy's like, Kurt, I think he's right. Yeah. But so, yeah, it's kind of evolved into now, you know, I have characters, different characters that call all the different shows.

Yeah. See, a description of a prank is always a fun story to hear. I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to sit through it.

No. Oh no, no, the show is unbearable. Is the show live or is it edited? Oh, it's very heavily edited.

That's the main reason I do it. I love to edit for comedy purposes, so I like to take footage and try to make it funnier editing it. So that's the main reason I started it, kind of. Right. So yeah, it's super heavily edited. So I'll take footage of them and I'll,

if he says something stupid, I'll change the pitch of it or I'll stop, like I'll, yeah, I don't know. It's hard to explain. I guess I'll do weird video stuff where like, uh, yeah, like a, a sword sound effect will come in super hard as he's saying something or yeah. And he hasn't, he's really stuck with the sword thing. Yeah. I'll say this is a, an exclusive for you guys.

Exclusive. Because I can't say this on my show cause it's a it's not fair to him but he he cut himself he's in the hospital he's okay oh but he cut himself and his friend jeremy hansen another radio host who's become my friend on facebook he sent me like like it was like it was the olden times and he's like jim's cut himself like he needed to alert me or something like by accident no he's oh no no yeah yeah by accident? No. Oh. No, no. Yeah, yeah, by accident. Oh, by accident. I don't know with what, but anyways.

He's blind, to recap. Yes. He's blind. He's blind. So, yeah, his show. Blind and with swords. So the possibilities of how he cut himself are pretty self-evident. Yeah.

He also has a gun, and he'll, like, on his show, he'll wave the gun around. I guess he's a pro gun person. We all are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, don't feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah. This is a concealed carry show. Why would you not be pro gun?

Yeah. I know I did see yours on your hip there, Dave, but I didn't know. Well, yeah. Well, no, this is just my remote control, but I pull out the remote control and it opens my closet full of guns. But it's a gun-shaped remote control. It's a gun-shaped remote control. I was wondering. And when you, like, I'll push the button.

It makes a little sound. Pew, pew, pew. Whoa. Yeah. So I realized the gun sound. And, yeah, as you can see, my whole arsenal has been unveiled. Yeah. I've got AK-47s.

You've got one of those guns that can kill an elephant in one shot. I've got, I read about Uzi. Yeah. It's a popular crossword clue. Yeah, yeah, Uzi. Yeah, so it's, I got one of those. What do you got? You got a Magnum in there?

Got a Magnum. Cold, cold 45. I got a pack of Magnums. Got a magnum. Cold 45? I got a pack of magnums. Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. For your big gun-toting dick. Well, I wouldn't say that. It's well known that people with large arsenals of weapons have huge dicks. It's almost a scientific fact.

They've never actually done a study on it, but it just happens so often. Uh-huh. Yeah. I've got the Nicolas Cage movie, Lord of War. Yeah. Oh, that's, and you've also got, yeah, Dwarf on Guns. Yeah, Dwarf on Guns. And lots of, you got the Gatling Gun. Uh-huh. You got the Bandoliersiers so you can wear bullets.

Yeah, I've got Tim gun. Yeah, you've got Tim gun. Let's hear from Tim gun. Make it work. Oh, there it is.

And what else has been going on? You've been doing that. Oh, harassing harassed people online. Yeah, I'm

harassing the blind. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if blind. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you, at Cole's notes, I call in and bother a blind guy, a blind entrepreneur. Yeah. Who's struggling as well. A blind injured.

Yeah. A blind injured entrepreneur. Yeah. Well, my cat's in heat. Oh, fun. Yeah. That was a really like, it was scary at first because I didn't know what it was. And then I guess I clued in pretty quick, but it's, do you know what it is when a cat's in heat?

I know. I mean, there's a lot that it could be, but it's, they're ready to get pregnant. They want their horn. Yeah, their horn. Yeah. And so I live in a small. Wait, was that, did you really not think I knew what that meant? No, no, no, no, no.

I thought you were going to go into like, you know. No, to be honest with you, I just wanted to say that there, I figured that you wouldn't say, you would say like, oh, they're, and then I would say they're horned. Right. Oh, I see. Because you know I'm genteel. Do you, is it your first time, is it the cat's first time in heat since you've had the cat? How old is the cat? The cat is probably about eight months.

And is it a male or a female? It is a female. That was a dumb question. And you should have laughed at it. Yeah. As if it was a real question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that will be the part that I listen back to this time where I think about, you know, just putting a big coat on. Now what? Walking into the ocean. What does a cat, I've never had a cat, so I don't know what happened. What do they do when they're- Of course, you're allergic to cats, right? So, yeah, no, what happens is they get horny

and they want to have sex. And I am the only thing in a very, very tiny apartment with my cat. So it's like genuinely off-putting that the cat was is trying to get me to have sex with it like for it's five days going on like going on five days now and uh what different you come home there's rose petals laying out very white is playing yeah yeah it comes up and starts giving you a neck nothing's working with this guy i'm trying everything oh man i mean i mean obviously that's but i feel like with her like the way she's looking at me that's really how

you know she's trying to entice me like rolling around all over the the ground and then she's looking at me like pissed off afterwards like do you have you tried yeah yeah i mean no i like how far do you think it would get before she was like this is a bad idea well what i'm trying to what i want to explain to her is she has no concept of how society would react to it it doesn't matter to her at all she's just like she's thinking biologically straight up and of course i mean i would react to it it doesn't matter to her at all she's just right she's thinking biologically straight up and of course i mean i wouldn't do it i don't want to i'm not but even if i was the kind of person who did want to do it i mean come on she's really she's putting it all on me because no one no one's gonna say like no one's gonna get on her

about anything that's true she's getting off scot-free yeah oh yeah absolutely and it's impossible yeah it's impossible and also of course at first it's all oh yeah yeah just i would imagine just in heat and then eventually it's like why don't we ever go anywhere right and then all of a sudden you're like oh boy okay yes and it is an indoor cat? Now? It's been five days. Do you know, how many more days do you expect this? Well,

it can go from four to ten. Okay. So yeah, that, we're really, we're really hoping for four. Even though it's been five already. What do you have to do?

Put a diaper on her? No, you just have to throw water on her. On the internet, it's like play with her, but then I found out, no,

I gotta just leave her alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta make her think I'm totally not interested. Yeah. it's like, play with her. But then I found out, no, I got to just leave her alone. I got to make her think I'm totally not interested. Because if I start playing with her at all, then she's just like, okay, I know he's not moving any further. This is foreplay. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. This is not. So do cats, because I've heard this said that cats think that their owners are just big cats.

And I don't know if, have you ever heard that? Yeah, I definitely. Cats are dumb. Yes. Yeah. No doubt. The cats think that the humans that they're with, like, are them, but just, like, more dominant. Yeah, I believe it.

She certainly interacts with me in that way. Not just the sex stuff. I mean, like, just in general. She seems to believe I'm a cat. do you know what i mean she looks at me like you know like hey you know how it is yeah yeah exactly she'll start licking herself and she'll be like you know when you gotta clean up but also you you use the litter box too yeah so it's confusing yes you know what you can get your cat to pee in the toilet. Yeah.

But you think that's a little bit. No, I don't know how you can't. You use this. I think I missed the, see, that's the whole thing. You missed the window. Yeah. Because I should have got her spayed before and then this wouldn't have happened. Right.

So it's my own fault kind of. So it's like, it's kind of, and she meows all the time constantly. And you get her spayed now? Yeah, I am. I have an appointment, but it's on February 1st. So that and she meows all the time, constantly. And you get her spayed now? Yeah, I am. I have an appointment, but it's on February 1st. So that was the first time I could get in. And they could hear her in the background, making all sorts of noise when you were making the appointment.

I mean, the noise is I'm concerned. I'm not technically supposed to have a cat and I, and I get really genuinely concerned that someone's going to hear the cat and yeah, so I just really. What is spayed? What do they do? They just take out the whole uterus? No, I don't know. Because you know what?

Never. It's never come up that I needed to know. I mean, if you're David Spade, then it's uterus. Buh-bye. I didn't know that's where you were going to go. I didn't either. I was trying hard not to. In my mind, David Spade talks like Chandler.

So I was like, could I be more Spade? No, that's not it. Could I be more Spade? Him and Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider and somebody else. Are coming here? Yeah, they're touring together. I know Rob Schneider. somebody else. Are coming here? Yeah, they're like touring together. I know Rob Schneider. What?

I know him real well. Does he have a radio show you call into? No. Well, yeah. I mean, he probably listens to a lot of the shows that I call into. You know, I met him a long time ago. He got me a bunch of shows in the United States and stuff. I opened for him here.

Oh. And he was really nice. And then he would never listen to this, right? Never. He would never do. Well, no, I don't really care. He was he would never listen to this, right? Never. He would never do. Well, no, I don't really care. He was like. He's really, okay.

Here's what we, Rob Schneider, if this gets back to you, fact number one. You've been really nice. Yeah. Now go ahead. Star of real Rob. He was incredibly nice to me. But so he was like coming up to do Canadian shows with Tim Meadows and someone else before a couple of years ago.

And then he asked me like for money, but like to write some jokes, like Canadian style jokes for him, you know? Oh. And then, so we would write jokes like together, but then I would be like, okay, here's the joke. And then he'd be like, oh yeah. He's like, how about like, but if we make it like

where, where like we're not, we're against the immigrants. I was like, oh, I guess yeah it's your joke at this point you're the one that has to deliver that exactly but you know like it just became clear that our um our political stance were we're coming from opposite directions on it so it didn't really work out so well but he was always super nice and got me shows in la that's nice yeah yeah i just think it sounds it just sounds like fun these uh these old buddies are like hey let's just go on a on a fun it's basically like like a poker game

like it's on tour just like old friends hanging out but adam sandler hasn't had a day in his life where he didn't see his old friends no that's true she surrounds himself yeah those movies he really yeah not even actors They're not even actors. Yeah. He hasn't made a new friend since Kevin James. And that even that was probably, it probably took a while. They let him in one step at a time. But like, then he was like, okay, I'm going to make 40 movies with you.

You will be my new old friend. He really, yeah, he really didn't go Hollywood in the way that he's like, well, I'm not friends with you. He's the extreme other end of it. He's the most anti-Hollywood Hollywood guy. Because, like you say, even his pals who are like, well, I don't have any business being in movies. Yeah, they're not. They have no background in acting or comedy. And he'd be like like you have a very large

role in my movie yeah and it's weird because like your average actor you know you you you would get some roles when you're in your 20s and 30s and 40s and then they kind of start to dry up but if you're friends with adam sandler he's just gonna make movies about people your age yeah that's true he might he might be the guy to like kind of change Hollywood in terms of like having movies about senior citizens.

Like, cause he'll just keep making movies his whole life and he'll just make a bunch of comedies when he's a senior. What do you think

the Adam Sandler senior citizen movie will be like? Adam Sandler senior citizen. That's a fun tongue twister. Yeah. I think he goes

on a cruise, you know, he goes on a cruise with his friends or they go to Paris together. Yeah, old reunion.

Old guys in Paris. 50th high school reunion. What's the movie, what is the movie where they're all best friends? That like,

there's two of them. Oh, Grown Ups? Grown Ups, yeah. Oh, and that's itching for like, Growner Ups. Like even more. of them. Oh, grownups? Grownups, yeah. Oh, and that's itching for like growner ops. Like even more.

You know, like when they're really old. Yeah. And they're like, it's the same idea. Yeah. But now we're even more old. Or they'd be all in a retirement home together. Yeah. You can see that comedy writing itself.

Now he's on, he's got a contract with Netflix, right? Yeah. And he's going to make like a contract with netflix right he's gonna make like a million movies with netflix for so much money and up and and his movies on netflix are like the highest highest watched the only thing that's beaten his movie for uh watches is that new movie with will smith and and the goblin or whatever. That brings up an interesting question. Yeah, it is a good time to ask that. It's good at any

really. Hey, Chris. Now, Graham mentioned goblins and I have a question for you and that question is going to come up in this song right

now. What's a fucking goblin? Do we have a crooked nose? People out there talking about him I ain't never seen him, no Is he like a dirty boy that eat out of the trash can? Or is he a sneaky little creepy dungeon dragon, man? Do we got that chopper? Do we bring that heat?

Do we sneak into your room and eat your dick when you're asleep oh my god i guess i never understand all i know is that them goblins always got them creepy goblin hands that is the what is a goblin theme from joshua brayton uh if you have a theme throw it in the ocean. Now, Chris, as you heard in the song, what do you think of Goblin? In the song, he talks a lot.

He gives a lot of ideas, doesn't he? And he gives a lot that seem really serious, and then one is kind of odd that sticks out to him. Well, not the one you're thinking of, though. He says, does a goblin have a gun? I don't think a goblin has a gun. He says, does he bringlin have a gun? I don't think a goblin has a gun. Oh, yeah. He says, does he bring the heat?

Does he have something? Yeah, he's talking about having a gun, which was odd, because I don't think a goblin needs or has a gun. That's, yeah, I mean. And then, of course, you know, and the other one. Is he a dirty boy who eats out of the trash? No, no, no. I'm going to do the best show thing.

Was it that one? You know what I'm talking about? Best show on WFMU. It's not on that station anymore. Well. So what's a goblin to me? Yeah, what is a goblin to you? Yeah, you guys have asked a lot of people, right?

So I feel like I'm going to undoubtedly repeat. And there's no way we should still be doing this. How many people have you asked? I don't know, six or seven. you did but you got new stuff last week yeah we get we always get new stuff okay yeah every show is new every week so i think i feel like a goblin has pointed ears i mean that's been said yeah yeah and that's been said um hair hair tufts hair tufts yeah okay that's good like on his head or all over i would say on the head very sparse hair tufts on his head that's it yeah sure i see that are there female goblins too of course of course yeah but are they are they called something else i mean is that i don't know

that's what you're asking see there is See, there's no definitive answer to this. No, no. There's no wrong answer to what's a compliment. I mean, some people have written in and said that some guests have nailed it in certain definitions. Right. We don't care. No, no. Then there's no, it's like saying, you know, it's like, what is joy?

Yes. It's hard to. There's a number of right answers. Exactly. Yeah. I see. So, you know,'s like what is joy yes it's hard what is how do how there's a number of right answers exactly yeah i see so you know tufts is correct 20 years uh are we is is a goblin i would say small very short i would say comes up to about your waist okay at the most how spends time yeah how i would oh just nonsense i would. I would say, I would say that, uh, uh,

yeah, I picture them. Yes. Rummaging through trash and things like that. Uh, maybe, um, that's a modern goblin.

Well, because, well, I mean like didn't was, there were no trash back in the day. Well, you would throw your, your trash out the window.

It would just be at the street. Oh, I mean, I don't know. Were they in the street or were they, did they, would just be at the street. Oh, I mean, I don't know, were they in the street or were they before we had streets? Oh, that's, I always picture them kind of walking around on a cobblestone.

Oh, a gobbledstone. I mean, not garbage, but at that point they would have been probably rummaging through meat scraps. Right. Yes. But they're an urban creature, they're not a wilderness. Yeah, you wouldn't find them. Wait a second. I thought you said there's no.

No, I'm asking you. Yeah, they live in the cities as opposed to, they're not a woodland creature. Or are they? Yeah, I would say, to me, they're in the cities. They're from a, I mean, I haven't seen any around. Right. So I would say from a different time. Right.

They're not a modern yeah a phenomenon is there a modern goblin uh yeah i shot i shot with the modern goblin i got all my rope belts it's a uh it's the there's one in that that movie with will smith he's that's that's an incredibly modern goblin oh i definitely have a thing that i picture tattered shorts yes that's that's been said yeah tattered sure yeah but it doesn't matter i just i want i want to bring something new and you did holy shit i can hang my hat on top yeah yeah all right cool and they also graduate they graduate from tufts in the northeast somewhere um what have you seen that uh goblin movie no no no no good is it's good.

Is it, it's good? No, it's bad apparently, but they're making another one. Yeah. Yeah. And it's the most viewed movie on, on Netflix. It's called Bright. Yeah. Oh, that's right. With the end, that director that everybody got is really mad and thinks is a bad guy.

Oh, who? Zach Ayers? No, Max Landis. Oh, he, yeah, right. bad guy oh who ayer's no max landis oh he yeah right john landis's son and everyone said he's a real no good son of a gun oh yeah that was all i read i didn't hear anything about the movie i just heard about him that's all i was reading the movie is the biggest budget movie that netflix has ever made or biggest budget anything that it's ever made and uh they don't usually disclose how many people watch unless it's like insane and this one apparently was insane so yeah good for netflix they're doing

fine and the other thing over christmas they made like a really bad like hallmark style movie like it was like christmas prince or something yeah that was so bad but you could tell they were like trying to like feed yeah yeah everyone watch how bad this is like there's no bad attention kind of yeah of course look what i'm doing now everybody watch me die is that a good strategy for them like aren't they isn't it mostly like Goodwill? Like. Yeah. Like, cause they're not getting any more money based on how much you watch.

Yeah. But it's like now they're in the, just got to keep the name in the, you know, before whoever comes up with another, the second Netflix, probably Disney. Yeah. You know, Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, I've come up with this second Netflix. What do you call it? It's like Disney.

Yeah. But it's like Netflix. Okay. So, like, I could watch a littlest mermaid. Littlest mermaid, little mermaid, big mermaid, medium mermaid. It's basically choose your own mermaid. Oh, cool. Wow. I thought it was just going to be,ermaid, Medium Mermaid. It's basically choose your own mermaid. Oh, cool. I thought it was just going to be like all the movies.

You're saying you can invent your own Disney movies. It's an interactive Disney experience unlike any other. Oh, man. I haven't got the technology on it, but I know a guy, my cousin Codes. Yeah. He doesn't code, but his nickname is Codes. I'm going to do a mashup of Beauty and the Beast and Lilo and Stitch. Oh, we can't do that.

Why? You can only pick how beautiful Beauty is and how beastly Beast is. Oh, you can customize the characters. Oh, cool. Well, no, we can't customize. Wait, wait, can my Beast wear board shorts? No, no, Well, no. We can't customize. Wait, wait. Can I, wait. Can my beast wear board shorts? No, no, no, no. Why not?

You can only make him more beastie or less beastie. We can't pick his outfits. Oh. Well, I mean, it's still pretty cool. And, you know, you can do,

um, like, alien. You mean the movie Alien? Yeah, Disney owns it now. Can I make that alien Lilo from Lilo and Stitch? No, you can make that alien more alien. Like, less familiar.

And what else is going on? Here's a couple things. Right before you came over, Margot, the three-year-old. Mm-hmm. And what else is going on? Here's a couple things. Right before you came over, Margo, the three-year-old, was in a fit. Oh, no. Troublesome three. She had made a big mess in the car on the way home. Like, bleh. No, no.

She had this. I didn't see it, but she had some stuff in a bag and was told not to take it out of the bag and took it out of the bag and threw it everywhere yeah and uh so so so like us so abby was not letting her do whatever she wanted at that point right and so she was not happy she was having some angry three-year-old time. Yeah. And, but we also have this, we got it in the, we got one in her stocking, which is one of these, it's a fart in a cup. It's like a cup that has goo in it.

Oh, right. And you squish it down and it makes fart noises. And Margo picked it up and started playing with it. And like, she's got a little hand. She can't do it very well. She did the best one. Oh yeah. And we were laughing so hard and she was like, it's not funny.

Like she was still in a bad mood and we had to explain to her, you can't, like, you can't be in a bad mood and be like. And be hilarious. Yeah. But have you, I remember that as a kid, like having a fit and my parents laughing and that being like, Oh yeah. The,

you know, that was just pulling, pouring gasoline on the fire. Of course. And it was like, that would work on me to this day. It's not a kid thing. If I was mad and someone laughed at me,

I would be like, yeah, you would just, I push them downstairs. Do you ever have that when you were a kid? Oh, I'm like, I mean,

I, I, I keep thinking about that fart thing. Cause I, I remember having that were a kid oh i'm like i i mean i i i keep thinking about that fart thing because i i remember having that yeah and it was so much fun to play with how it would oh it would uh it would sound like a fart yeah is the thing that i like but it wouldn't just sound like one like every time it would sound like a different one exactly completely unique as farts are yeah it was it was for yourself oh you have you have uniform I have I have I was programmed there's only like five you were programmed to do two things yeah can you pick which one uh no I they go in a rotation

there's squeaky there's the deep one there's the short one there's the really long one and the alien yeah how long is the long one oh like well it's funny i mean they're all funny in their own way yeah it's funny because it's like 10 seconds long then it stops for two seconds and then there's like four more seconds oh that's a real austin powers uh-huh uh yeah but no but we were laughing at the fart in a cup but we weren't laughing at her fit. No. We were rolling our eyes at it because really, like, we should be mad at her. Yeah, exactly.

That's how it often works. It's okay, fine. Yeah. But like, oh, man, I remember throwing like a tantrum and having my parents just like laugh. Yeah, it was probably at some thing that I was doing. But, and oh man, it just like made me so angry. And then, you know, I became a comedian. Yeah.

So, you know, unravel that mystery somehow. The other thing that's going on with me is the other day I was at a coffee shop and there was a guy in there that had dreadlocks. Oh, yeah. But he was very noticeably going bald. Like, he was well into his balding. Okay. Like, kind of like Stevie Wonder? Oh, sure, yeah.

He's got the dreads that are just like, now they're just like predator dreads? Well, they're not dreads. They're braids. Oh, does he have braids? I thought, okay. But, like, lots of head and then hair kind of hanging out. But my question is, because when your average guy goes bald,

you know, he'll wash his hair in the shower and get a little bit of hair. But, and then one day, you know, he'll have more hair in his hand as he washes his hair. But like you don't, when you only have, I don't know, 80 dreads on your head. Is that a good number? I don't know. Like, I don't know what the optimal. But like when you, one day you're going to lose a whole dread. Yeah.

It's just going to fall out all together. Is that how it would happen? Wouldn't it? I guess. Yeah. I mean That is very strange to think about. Yeah. But yeah like would it just all fall off as one? So then when one falls out does he

have to sort of shave or does he leave it just with one missing? Yeah. Well I think it doesn't fall out of the middle. Maybe it does. Right out of the middle. Yeah. Maybe it does. Yeah. Right out of the front. Like that's where it starts.

The front. And then I guess the crown as well. This is the male pattern. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so. But I guess, well, like, I guess they're not washing their hair. No. For one thing.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. People, that's why they do it a lot of the time, right? Now, this was a white guy with a dread? This was not a white guy. This was not a white guy with a dread? This was not a white guy. This was not a white guy with a dread. No, this was a goblin from the movie Bright. It's actually, I don't know how they're,

I don't know if it's culturally significant to them. Because I don't know, here's what I don't know about dreads. I don't know how they're made. I don't know how they're maintained. I don't know, like, do you don't know uh like do you have i know something that they have that there's wax well involved i think that is a white person thing that's yeah so that's all i think they are uh created and maintained in a much more natural way if you have very curly hair yeah yeah black yeah but like also i've seen, very fair-haired blonde people with dreads.

And those don't look like dreads. They look like some sort of dog chew toy or something like that. Yeah, or... Like, it doesn't... Could you do dreads? No. No, I mean, but you wouldn't. No, no, my hair's too...

It would be way too thin. Oh, I see. Yeah, I've got baby elephant hair. There's no... Yeah, see, I clearly... I don't know how be way too thin. Oh, I see. Yeah, I've got baby elephant hair. There's no. Yeah, see, I clearly, I don't know how dreads work at all either. And why shouldn't three white guys be talking about this? But it does bring up an interesting point about like how far, how bald are we talking here? How many dreads?

Yeah. How many dreads left? I think he's probably lost 25 dreads. 25 dreads? Wait, how many did he have to begin with? 80. Like I said, 80 dreads.

Okay, okay. Every head has 80 dreads. I remember that. Yeah. The rest have 31. Yeah, because like, I don't know, you just uh i don't think of somebody going bald with dreads i think of somebody having dreads and then cutting them off and that being like and then they're lenny kravitz uh and they're not going bald but they're you know they don't have dreads anymore yeah or or uh or uh jayden smith that was like a thing. He like cut off his dreads. Right.

What was that ball called where everybody shows up in the hilarious costumes? The Met Ball? That's the one. I mean, I don't think they think their costumes are hilarious. But if I was Blackwell, oh boy. Is Mr. Blackwell still around? I guess not Mr. Blackwell was like the first person To review

Like red carpet Gowns He was like the pre Who does it now? Everyone Yeah I guess But like who does it like Joan Rivers

Yeah and her daughter Well it's her daughter Pretty much not Joan Rivers anymore. It's her daughter now. It was both of them. But now it's Melissa Rivers. Well, they'll do like. She's one of them.

Yeah, E will have a, you know, a whole hour devoted to who wore it best and who was the rest. Yeah, yeah. It's like, but here's my question. If you're going to go, you know you're going on the red carpet. Here's my question. If you're going to go, you know you're going on the red carpet. Do you go with something that, like, do you go like CeeLo, where he came as like a golden robot?

Or do you just go with something classic where they're just going to gloss over you? As a man or a woman? Well, we're only doing a lot of man-woman stuff today. Because men and women are different. Yeah, that's true. That is true. We're starting to realize how correct stand-up comedians

were in the 80s. It's starting to really sink in, you know? The soothsayers. Yeah. Yeah, the truth tellers,

man. Yeah, man. Although, they weren't on top of this non-binary tip. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah.

But, you know, but they were on top of airline stuff. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's true. But, you know, but they were on top of airline stuff. Yes. Oh, the food's awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, yeah. Except you really want those peanuts when they come around.

Oh, did you ever? You or I, or I or you, go to the Oscars. Yeah. Do we wear... Do you wear something... A regular tuxedo? Yeah, do you wear a regular tuxedo

or do you wear, like, something that's like... Crushed velvet. Yeah, yeah. I think I would wear something ridiculous, probably. Yeah, I don't know. I would want everyone to know that I'm a bad boy. And that I don't really like all the norms and everything.

Yeah. Then don't go to the Oscars. Yeah, but that would be the key, though, is I would have that attitude, but then I would be there because it would really mean a lot to me. But I would play it so cool. Look how much I don't care. I'm wearing torn shorts.

I'm dressed as a goblin. I've got tufts everywhere. I would be... I would wear a regular tuxedo but with a bolo tie and turquoise rings and cowboy boots. Just to give us a nod to my Southwestern roots. That would be great.

Yeah. And like a Gila monster on my shoulder. Oh, I thought you meant like on a leash. Yeah, sure. As your date. How big is a Gila monster? I don't know. Is that where it's from, the Southwest?

Yeah, it feels like it wants to sit on a hot rock. Sure. I'd be carrying a hot rock. Yeah, I do like, I like both of these answers. Great, great work, both of you guys. What would you wear? Yeah, I would wear, I think I'd wear something that was, uh, was trendy, like within that week, like just something that was like,

just, if you looked at it a month later, you'd be like, what the fuck? Like something with a quote, like directly from something that had happened that week. Yeah. Like I reference to a fleeting news story with,

with an iron ready to iron on any quota. Yeah. Or something that happened earlier that day. Yeah. Um, With an iron ready to iron on any quota. Yeah, or something that happened earlier that day. Yeah, that's what I would wear. Like covfefe or something. Yeah. Is that how you pronounce it? I don't know how to pronounce it. It was never pronounced.

But my thing is like I'm, if there's ever like an event that I have to go to, I'm always like, well, I don't want to be too dressy. Yeah. And if it was the Oscars, I'd be like, um, I don't know. I don't know if I'll go tuxedo. Will the other guys be wearing tuxedos? I don't want to. I don't know.

Like, I don't want to be the only one who shows up in a tuxedo. You know what? I'm going to text Jon Hamm. See what he's wearing. Are there pictures of past Oscars? Like, who's in charge? Can I call someone? Bert.

Bert Reynolds. What are you wearing? Same thing you're wearing. Polo tie and turquoise jewelry. Yeah, so that's me. I've been,

you know, wrestling with how this guy's going bald. Yeah, it's something I'm going to think about. How long is he going to hold on, do you think? Do you think he'll just leave two in the back? I think he'll have more than two.

You know, if he gets the shoehorn. I see. Then I would just crisscross them on top of my head. Oh, yeah. And make kind of like a pastry looking kind of thing.

Is 80 low? Is 80 a good amount? I don't know. I don't know. It's like one of those jars of jelly beans. How many dreads would you guess are on this guy's head? I don't know. I don't know.

I know very little. Like I say, I admit up front, I know very little like i say i admit up front i know very little about dreads all right well i think that makes three of us uh what's up with you i uh so recently i uh i got a television uh what yeah yeah uh these newfangled TVs everybody's you won it in a I won it in a in a yeah in a dreadlock guessing contest you can win a jar full of dreadlocks oh

oh you win the dreadlock somebody was getting rid of it so I took this TV which I haven't I was just going to plug in my computer and watch Netflix on it. But then I found out that, uh, at my place, uh, the internet, like I get free cable. There's like a, just like a box that like also gives you free cable. So.

Oh, is it a, did you rub it in a genie? Yeah. And you say, you say how many channels you'd like uh infinite channels um and uh so like it's not a very good cable package it's just like kind of like uh whatever the big sure stations are no no no food network no uh whatever travel network nothing like that you would just leave on in the background that kind of stuff it's only stuff you have to focus on yeah yeah yeah like the view and uh alec baldwin's match game um but there was a free trial of this like movie uh these movie channels that like they're organized by

decade yeah i saw that yeah so that was on and i got it i got addicted to these movies because i could just like put on whatever movie and then it went away and i was like oh no i need that back so i uh just asked like like can I just pay for that? And I got them. And so I'm like, okay, now I'm going to watch classic movies. I'm going to go watch all the movies I've always meant to watch. Except when they had the free trial, I bet they had all the better movies. To kind of entice you. But, like, you know, I wanted to watch, like, all the, like, you know, like, Robert Altman movies of the 70s.

And, like, the weird Italian films from the 60s. And the French movies from the 50s. And all the Honey, I Shrunk the Kids sequels from the 90s. Yeah. And so far, it has literally just been, like, I've watched Clueless. I've watched The Craft. I've watched 300 the other night. For what decade?

Do you include the 2000s? Yeah, it goes all the way up to the 2000s. The 2000s category is pretty slim pickings, I must say. So, yeah, my good intentions of really digging into the classics has so far yielded. Do you think that was a trick that they did by making, by allowing it to be free? And then they, it's like they wanted

you to buy it? Yeah. Oh, man. That's real, that's trickery right there. Yeah. They got you.

You should call the Better Business Bureau. Yeah, I can't though because I don't have a phone. I just have the internet and the cable. They were like,

we can charge you for these channels or you can just give up your phone. All right. Well, I've made my decision, and I'm happy with it. And then you were like, well, hello? Hello? It happened immediately. But yeah, so I've rewatched a lot of fan favorites from the 90s. I really haven't even strayed into the 70s and 60s category yet.

Oh, they're so boring and slow. They are. They're a different type of film. On airplanes, I'll watch them. I went through a thing. I was flying a little bit, and I had seen all the new movies, and I started watching all the old ones. And I liked westerns.

I liked those old westerns. I liked the old, those old westerns. I could get into them, you know. I like them too because, well, I'm from the southwest.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's true. Molotai, you know, southwestern things. Yeah.

Yeah. You had one. Adobe's. Yeah, Tex-Mex. Yeah, that, the,

whatever, that drawing of the thing playing a flute yeah I know but I forget the word don't write us we're not gonna remember

that we talked about it no Kofifi? yeah Kofifi I that's a weird that like on cause

your whole life on movies it was like you can watch the one movie that we're going to show. Yeah. And then you got your own screen and they were like, here are the 10 new releases. And it was only recently that they were like, let's fricking, you know, throw in easy rider. Yeah. Just any movie. They got rid of it all together.

Now, now they just say, Hey, just plug in your own device. Yeah. Oh, but I guess they have those movies still on there. It's just now they don't have the screen. Yeah. Like if you don't have

a computer or an iPad or something, then you can't watch. You are bored stiff. You are poor and bored. That's why they don't want you on there. Yeah.

That's part of the company-wide policy of getting the poor and bored off-board. Yes. Yeah, I've definitely been on flights where I didn't realize that you needed something to watch something on,

and I didn't even bring a book or anything. Did you stare at the back of the... Yeah. Those people freak me out. I know people have said it before, but that freaks me out if you ever look over at someone on a flight and they're not doing even a thing. Like, they're not listening to something or talking to anyone.

They're just staring forward and presumably thinking. Yeah. They're going somewhere to settle a score. Yeah. They're the limey. I see. That's what you think. Yeah.

They're sighing. Yeah. Yeah. That's their activity. yeah that's their activity i would take no activity over an activity that's uh gross or weird oh you know like i would take just somebody staring ahead as opposed to somebody like doing something with their nails yeah putting a pretzel in their urethra are we talking to straight or a straight pretzel? I would push that little button

and say, excuse me. I don't know if this is against the rules, but it should be. You guys didn't make an announcement about it, but I feel like this is not... Sir, he's in heat. He's actually made

arrangements for this because he's in heat. It's allowed. Some people are allowed to bring a comfort animal, like your horny cat, but this guy's allowed to stick whatever he wants or whatever he wants. Bring a restaurant breadstick from the 80s and put it in his urethra.

That's gone away, right? Your urethra No I still have mine The old like Crunchy bread stick That feels like that was a very Covered in sesame seeds When was that The 80s

When you go to a restaurant and they bring a bowl of bread It would have It would be like a cup of sticks So wait there would be no real bread it would all it would be all maybe it would be a mix yeah but like there would always be that one it it had pretzel like qualities but it wasn't no pretzel it wasn't a pretzel and you'd still eat it because you're like i'm a kid i'll eat anything yeah i remember just like really getting into those but they were never at home. And they weren't like, you'd have a pat of butter. You couldn't put butter on this thing.

No, because it was just like a hard, what was it? It wasn't a pretzel. It was somewhere between a pretzel and like a toast. It was like, it wasn't a toast. It wasn't a toast, but it was like. A cracker? Was it close to a cracker? It was like, yeah, closer to a cracker.

Long, thin, sesame seed covered cracker stick. How do they phase those things? Like, how does something like that get phased out? I guess enough people complained. Yeah. With a memo. Yeah. They just send it out.

No, we're not doing two restaurants. Yeah. We're going to bury them in the parking lot. Too many people Cut themselves Because if you're not Suspecting If you're like Oh I'm gonna have

Some nice bread No I guess your fingers Would solve that mystery Yeah Although Maybe that's how That blind Oh yeah

You know TV Whatever show host Guy he calls Jim Lockwood Yeah Maybe that's how He cut himself Oh he went to like An 80s place that hasn't changed.

They're still serving lobster Thermador. Maybe he went to one of those restaurants where it's dark. Yeah. Even the playing field. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever been to one of those? No, I haven't. I've only heard Ivan Decker's joke.

Do they have them here? Yeah, well, I only know that because, yeah, Ivan Decker does a joke about it. Are the staff blind uh i've heard that they either do the blind or they have night vision goggles oh and uh i don't understand it like i don't understand if you're like bored of going to restaurants because restaurants to me still be funny if you just went into ivan's bed it's weird you've seen these things it's really a funny take that grandma thank you yeah um would you ever go to a yeah yeah and eat in the dark would you yeah it seems interesting they're doing like a sensory i noticed some hosting for some comedy show That's like I guess

Going to be in the dark Oh No I'm doing that Oh It's where your eyes are covered And you're wearing noise You're doing it I'm doing it

I love how I just brought up The thing that you're doing Well tell me what this is It's uh Past guest Kyle Bottom Is doing a show called Senseless Comedy

Where you're going to do a set Blindfolded And uh Oh you You Yeah yeah Oh And you, you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. And you ought where?

Little Mountain Gallery. So the audience is complete. They have. They have all their senses. Their senses are heightened because yours have been taken away. That's how it works. That's how it works. I feel like they could come up and, you know, yank your pants down or do whatever.

That was my literal question was like, what precautions are in place that somebody isn't going to throw something at me or just like attack me while I'm on stage. But you usually wear tearaway pants on stage. I do. But I like to be the one to reveal them that they're at a certain point during my set. It's during your tearaway job. Yeah. But also I won't know when the music cue kicks in because I have noise canceling headphones. I'll just have to time.

I'll back-time it. Yeah, they could do like, yeah, pulse or something. You could feel it in your... Oh, yeah? I don't think the headphones will work well enough that you won't... Like, you'll know if the audience is laughing. I've never heard of noise-canceling headphones. But there's an energy in the room, man.

Yeah, no, totally. I've been to one of these shows yeah a comedy show yeah comedy show they're wild man yeah they are the energy in there it's just like everyone's laughing um yeah so uh i can't remember when that is but upcoming yeah that seems like that's actually seems quite interesting yeah i think. I think it's more interesting than just having the audience be blindfolded because they're listening to comedy like you would on an album and it's not really, you know? That's true. Yeah.

But I don't know. A comedy show completely in the dark might be. Yeah. That might be. And with no sound system and, like, no one can hear you either. Yeah. Also, yeah, the audience has noise-canceling headphones on, and it's completely dark.

I mean, I've done enough shows at, like, a coffee house where they're frothing milk the whole set, and no one can hear you anyway. Yeah, I was always a fan of somebody who ordered a cappuccino during a comedy show. I used to love doing laugh lines, and they had a blender. They would blend drinks up, and there was no cover from the kitchen. It was just open air to where the rest of the stuff was, so it would drown you out.

I actually had a guy in the DJ booth with a blender. It was sort of their showpiece. Just with a Vitamix, making huge. Putting in full carrots. Oh boy. Should we move on to some overheards? Yeah!

Hi there, I'm film critic April Wolf and host of the Maximum Fun podcast Switchblade Sisters. Do you love genre films? Do you love female filmmakers? Do you love discussions on craft? If your answer is yes, you'll love Switchblade Sisters. Every episode I invite one female filmmaker on

and we talk in depth about their fave genre film and how it influenced their own work. So we're talking horror, action, sci-fi, fantasy, bizarro, and exploitation cinema. Mothers, lock up your sons because the Switchblade Sisters are coming for you. Available at MaximumFun.org or wherever you find your podcasts.

Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which, you know, crazy things happen out there. And then we bring them in here and things get a little bit crazy here. A little X-rated sometimes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And we always like to start with the guest. Yeah, things have already gotten very X-rated. I was thinking about that the other day.

They don't call it X-rated anymore, do they? Mm-mm. Triple X-rated. Yeah, you get triple. Nobody's just going for a single X. But like, yeah, what's the difference? Like, I think they're leaning in. They're like, not only is this not something you could screen in a regular movie. Yeah.

We gave it two extra Xs. That is literally where it came from. Like, because they're X movie. Was there a double X? No, there was single X. And I know that, what's it called? Midnight Cowboy. Ah.

Originally, I think, had an X rating because there was like sex scenes in it and it was very violent. And so they were like, that's going to get an X. And I think that porno people were like. That's an X? Yeah, yeah. Check this out. You want to see an X?

And good for them because like they were way ahead of like, you try to Google the letter X, you're going to get X-Men. You're going to get X-Rays. You're going to get xylophone results. Malcolm X. Yeah. Yeah. Triple X, you're going to get X-Men. You're going to get X-Rays. You're going to get xylophone results. Malcolm X. Yeah. Yeah. Triple X, it's only that.

Or Vin Diesel. Damn it. Or Ice Cube. Ice Cube. That one time. Nowadays, it's actually, yeah, you Google it and mostly it's the Vin Diesel stuff. Yeah, that's true. You know what?

I'll Google it. See what comes up. If you Google Triple X, see what comes up if you google triple x see what comes up yeah but I was wondering how do you spell that I was wondering why they

skipped the double x like that's obviously like you know a good old a solid or why didn't

they go to four x's yeah like triple x y3 on yeah no on the

first page of google results it's all about the movie Triple X. Yeah. Or Triple X, The Return of Xander Cage. Or a dip, oh, XXX88 featuring Diplo. Oh, yeah.

Sure. There's a song. There's a Wikipedia entry about Diplo. Celebrate Diplo's whole cattle. Yeah, you don't find pornography by Googling Triple X. You Google pornography. There's a Wikipedia entry about the number 30. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. Oh, it's the Roman numeral for 30. I gotcha. Anyway. That's fair. That's much forgotten. Okay, so my overheard. Overheard.

Here we go. It's actually about movies. Speaking of movies. Yeah. I was at the movies. I went to the movies with my dad during the holidays. It's a tradition. We go watch the Star Wars film when it comes out.

So it's a tradition that's gone back two years. It has gone back three. Well, they come out every other year. And there was the one in between last year. Rogue One. Thank you. Yeah. So it has been three, maybe four.

And it was the prequels. We did those terrible prequels. Yeah. But they weren't Christmas movies. Oh, we just went during the holidays. Okay. Oh, maybe we couldn't have. Maybe we went during a different movies. Oh, we just went during the holidays. Okay. Oh, maybe we couldn't have.

Maybe we went during a different time then. Sure. We definitely went to them. Okay, but this is a tradition

that's happened. Every Christmas since 2015 you've gone to these movies. Yes, this is a real tradition of the family.

And so we sit in the D-Box. That's a tradition as well. Those have only been around for three years, I think. But if you don't know what the D box. That's the tradition as well. Those have only been around for three years, I think. But if you don't know what the D box is, it like, it shakes and stuff.

Rumbly seats. Yes. And which I didn't realize other people aren't in the D box seats in the same theater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, I've been writing to them about that. But so anyway, so we're watching.

And there is a spoiler kind of in this. It's okay. It's not a plot point. It's just about like kind of something that happens in the movie. I'm swept up in Star Wars fever and I will see it. Okay. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. The fever is, it's really taken a hold of me and I'm going to see it before February. I see. In theaters. By the time this episode is out, I might have considered seeing it. Okay. All right. All right. So we're watching it.

And there's one point in the movie, this is a spoiler, where it all gets very quiet. It's very loud. And there's a big, something happens, an explosion. It's very tense. And then it gets super quiet. No sound at all. And it's really impactful, you know? Like a Pixies song.

Yes. Yeah. Quiet loud loud that's right so so it got very very quiet and completely silent and we're all sitting in the theater and then all of a sudden in the in the front row i just heard a fully grown man say uh it got really quiet and everybody laughed. Everybody. It was... It's quiet in here.

Yeah, it was... He was saying it to somebody like beside him, you know, obviously. But it was perfectly timed. Did you hear that? Yeah. Like he had just realized it. And yeah, it was...

They should play that part of the movie in your noise-canceling headphones. Oh, yeah. Just on a loop. Oh, man. Maybe... No, what they should do is at that point, they should sit on the screen and say, please put on your noise-canceling headphones, and then they start the movie again.

Yeah, yeah. There was a photo, somebody, it was like being passed around on social media, of a movie theater that had to put a warning at the box office that said there's a like don't come to us and complain the sound isn't broken like there's a part of the movie where it's quiet so people were yeah like people were like um there's a whole part where it was quiet there's there's a also aside i remember the d box seats because

they like i said, they shake. They have movement. So there was an ad. They do ads now, obviously, before. And there was an ad for Mercedes-Benz. And there was nothing on the screen. And it was just your thing was moving. Like your seat was moving as if you were driving a Mercedes-Benz.

And my brother realized afterwards,'s like that's only like those people got nothing the other people who didn't get the d-box seats just sat there in silence well because they figured you know those people who won't even spend you know three extra dollars for d-box aren't going to be buying a mercedes-benz yeah anyway they should be advertising that that the ride is so smooth you don't even feel anything yeah no i think that was the idea you sort of like but like why wouldn't they just not have any movement so it's complete silence hey dbox people we're replicating the movement in a mercedes there's a it seems like the bulk of the ads before the trailers are car ads like it's i feel like the last time i saw

a movie it was like four or five consecutive car ads yeah it used to be a bunch of different ads but now i feel like it's just car ads do they know there's something about moviegoers and cars that we the general public do not know maybe they were the people at the theater went and looked out in the parking lot, and they're like, holy crap, these guys all have cars. Yeah. Or maybe they were like. They might be looking for something new. Maybe they're like, eh, these things are very expensive.

We've got to put a lot of money into the ads, and people can have skip ads everywhere you look, except in the old movie theater renos. I think Chris thinks we're idiots. Oh, because I keep asking? You keep asking, like, you know they have ads before the movies now? Yeah, I just do that. You know what it is when a cat's in heat, right?

Yeah. I didn't. I learned it here on the podcast. I thought, you know, cat scratch fever. That's all I knew. I went to the school of nooj. You graduated magna cum nooj. Magnum nooj latte?

Mag nooj? We'll get around to it. Teddy cum something. Anyways, Dave, you're overheard? Oh, I wasn't prepared. Oh, no. I didn't think you'd call on me today. Here's what's my overheard.

I would have liked to hear that in the D-Box. Have you ever been in a D-Box? No. Yeah, you haven't. I saw a movie in it. The one about Ryan Reynolds as a sassy superhero. Am I my mother?

Yeah, you might be your mother. Green Lantern. Deadpool. Deadpool. It was Deadpool. Okay. My overheard is, and by the way,

the D-Box is not worth it. No? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, see, the thing about it is that my dad cares about dumb stuff like that, and so to him, it is worth it. Okay. But it is, it's really, it is expensive. It's expensive. I said $3 more.

The tickets are $24 or something. But it's distracting. Like, I found it more distracting than enjoyable. But which movie did you see? You said it was Deadpool. So maybe in Deadpool, in Star Wars, you're always in the spaceship. Deadpool's in a spaceship. I don't know.

A lot of this comic book stuff seems like a spaceship. Yeah, it's everybody's spaceship. Oh, you got it. Anyway, I was at a hockey game. Here's my overheard, guys. Go home team. It was a hockey game. Yeah. Here's my overheard, guys. Go home team. It was a hockey game. Go to Vancouver Canucks.

Best hockey team. If you're not from Vancouver, you move here and buy dog hockey tickets. And there was a woman who had a footlong hot dog. Oh, yeah. And she, I was, I got a regular size hot dog. I was decorating my hot dog with ketchup and mustard, relish and tomatoes. No, uh, onions. Decorating.

Well, it's just for, just for, like I was dressing it for a photo shoot. Yeah. They don't use real relish. They use some sort of gelatin. Exactly. Um, uh, but she was putting onions and relish on hers and then i noticed that she it wasn't just her her boyfriend was standing next to her and said don't put any of that on my side uh six inches each yeah so there are i don't know if they're gonna cut it

or meet in the middle a la yeah yeah lady andamp. Waiting for the kiss cam to come on. That's the perfect time. Oh, boy. Just as you're finishing. Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. A-dum, dum, dum. Chomp, chomp, chomp. Chomp, chomp, chomp.

Chomp, chomp, chomp. Freeze frame. Yeah, nobody ever tries to do any cool kiss cams, like different stuff. That would be a definite cool take on it. Yeah. If I saw two people eating a hot, I mean, would they give them the time, do you think? I think the crowd would be into it

in a big way. Yeah. Go, go, go, go, go. Even the players stop like, oh, let's check this. I mean, that's a pretty good idea.

You know what? I'll make some calls. It's going to happen. Oh, boy. I mean, that's a pretty good idea you know what i'll i'll make some calls it's gonna happen oh boy i mean in other uh stadiums like the the other things that have gotten um uh like gone viral have been like oh tom hanks is in the audience let's make him kiss you know jack black yeah wilson yeah that's what I was thinking Yeah the And then sometimes they do Like a guy will do a funny thing where he like Kisses the not

Girlfriend like they've got that figured out Or know a guy kissing his beer Oh yeah Or there was one where a guy was He looked up And saw himself with next to his mother And he's like, that's my mother. That's pretty good. Yeah.

My overheard is courtesy of Vancouver Transit. And also it's Dreadlock related. You guys, it's Dreadlock January here on podcasting yourself. It's dreadlock January here on podcasting yourself. There was a guy at the bus stop who was starting, trying to start conversations with everybody. And he didn't, he didn't seem like a, like a,

a wacky guy. He just seemed like a guy who just wanted to start like, and then he would, they would be very short conversations, which is not usually the case with a stranger. It's like, it just goes on and on. Yeah. With a stranger, it's like, it just goes on and on. But he would be like,

he asked a guy at the bus stop, Hey, what is that tiger on your shirt? Is that a sports team? And the guy's like, no, I just got it at the gap. It's just the logo.

And he's like, all right. So he was just starting though. Like it was just really short. And so on the bus, a woman, white woman got on with dreadlocks. No,

I don't see racism. No, no, i don't see racism no no i don't see wait a minute now i i mean i'd see plenty of it oh sure and uh in the mirror apparently she she goes on and he goes uh he, man, I really like your hair. And she goes, oh, thanks. He's like, how long did that take? She's like, it's like three years. And he goes, yeah, I want hair like that. And then she's like, well, yeah, I think you can do it.

And then she walks away and he says to himself, she believes in me. think you can do it and then she walks away and he says to himself she believes in me so this guy was he was a real character real color local color you know uh real real fun guy on the bus and you know what could use more like him you know short conversations on the bus i could get into i think i know that guy really i'm not i'm not saying as a joke. I'm pretty sure that I've encountered that same. I would imagine there's not too many people. Was he a middle-aged fellow with the grayish brown hair? No, he was a younger guy. Oh.

A middle-aged guy's not going to be able to get dreadlocks in three years. She doesn't believe in a middle-aged guy. Well, yeah, I encountered a person, a middle-aged guy, who had that same MO. Right. Yeah, which I, and I loved it all the same. Yeah. It was, uh yeah the short conversations it's a real lost art as far as it is a lost art because they said 80 minutes into

their podcast um now we also have overheard sent in from around the world if you want to send some in uh you can send them into spy at maximum fun.org. 70 minutes or so. Yeah, yeah. We'll get there. We don't keep a tally as we're going. This first one comes from... But my body clock can feel... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's... And I keep checking Dave's body clock just to make sure

we're in the right... Yeah. Yeah. I check it with a thermometer. Yeah. I just use my finger. Where's the clock? Oh, you can't tell what I'm doing under the table, but it's in his butt. Yeah. He puts a fart goo in there. He squishes it around.

And then one of my five farts comes up. This first one comes from John from Traverse City, Michigan. Traverse City? Well, maybe Traverse City, Michigan. Traverse City? Well, maybe Traverse. You know what? Who cares? What a minor difference. This guy, this doesn't even take place.

This takes place in Chicago. Oh, John. I know. He was wearing headphones that, although they covered my ears, were not noise canceling. My dog and I walked past a bar where a bunch of young guys in their 20s were outside on the corner smoking, trying to look menacing in their collared shirt and boat shoes. Like some kind of boat gang. They are a menace. As the dog and him walked past the group, I heard them mumble, I bet you can't even hear us.

Then as we crossed the street, one of the guys yelled, yelled hey your dog has a nice ass started laughing hysterically so you know they were really trying to can try those uh noise canceling yeah well and uh you know there's no picture of the dog's ass you know so that was there that was how they thought they were that was what they came up with yeah yeah yeah when they figured hey this guy's, then why would you say, what was, I guess for them to have a laugh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean. Just a bunch of boat guys.

And if I'm that guy walking my dog with headphones on, I pretend they are noise canceling. Because once a couple of guys start yelling at me, no good to cover them. No, no, that's true. Anytime like. Say what? Yeah. What did you say to me me and then what if you did that what if you're like what did you say to me and they just repeat it and you're like oh thank you thank you yeah he exercises a lot although it's genetic yeah yeah yeah part of it's genetic it's 50 he's in heat yeah uh this next one comes from antonio c parts unknown i'm guessing italia oh yeah he's yeah

that's true uh it's yeah antonio c from italia i was at an art museum classic probably the big one uh looking at a sketch of uh how do you pronounce it theseus theseus's fight with the minotaur when i heard a guy in a baseball hat behind me say to his wife punching that fucking minotaur did in his fucking face yeah yeah that's good art that is good art when you when you're like what does it mean that's i don't like art where you're like, oh, what's the deeper meaning of this? I want art that means I'm punching a bullhead guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fighting a minotaur. These were art critics behind them?

Yeah, presumably. Or maybe they were leading a tour. You can be smart. They were telling other people. Anyways, there's this guy punching a minotaur in his fucking face. Anyways, follow me. Soon we're going to see some tatas.

You guys want to see some old timey tatas? Yeah, what's he doing? Yeah, he's some rich old fuck. He's dead now. Yeah, yeah. Check out the pubes on old David here. You know, he used a garlic press to make these. To make the pubes? Yeah. Is that like a... Put some clay used a garlic press to make these. To make the pubes?

Yeah. Is that like a... Put some clay in a garlic press? It's like a Martha Stewart quick shortcut to making clay pubes. Yeah. Don't sit there and make them by hand. You've got a garlic press, use it. This chick's arms fell off.

I wonder what she was doing. Just really bro-y. Art. What do they call him? Doseant. Doseant, yeah. Oh, is there a word for it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, is there a word for it? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, maybe. Dorset. Anyways, this last one comes from John K., also parts unknown. I overheard a nurse talking to another nurse in the hospital this morning, say. So I told him that he has such beautiful long legs, and he said, I can read between the lines. You're telling me that my jean shorts make me look like a jerk yeah yeah that's true if you tell a guy he's got beautiful long

legs then then how do you know unless you've seen them yeah you know and if someone says that to you and you don't always wear jean shorts then it could just be a compliment yeah yeah that's true oh people just come right out and tell me my shorts are too short, which I don't know how to take. At least couch it in something. You know, we really, like as a kid, short shorts, that was all the rage. And then. And rat tails.

Rat tails and short shorts. Yeah. I don't think that was our childhood, was it? No, mine. Sure. We were, like, by the time I was choosing my clothes, it was long shorts. I mean, when I was, like, a little kid, all the pictures of me were where I'm wearing shorts. I was in jams.

I was in jams from, like, age six on. Oh, really? Yeah, I was big basketball shorts. Yeah, big. It was weird. When you watch old soccer and you watch the jerseys they would wear, it used to be all the loose-fitting stuff. Right.

And now everything in professional sports, definitely, but maybe in life is all the tight-fitting stuff, and you're not just showing off what you got. Yeah, it's, I mean. I don't got a lot, though. No. That's my problem. Sprit.

Well, I'm not fishing, but I don't mind if I catch some. I just said your name. I'm so actively fishing. Let me finish. Yeah. Chris, shut up. In addition to overhands that are written in, you got a hot bod, Chris. Everybody knows it.

We also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, go right ahead. Go ahead. It's an easy phone number to memorize, and I did it. 1-844-779-7631 or 1-SPYPOD1, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham. It's Sheila, Abby's aunt. Hey!

If you haven't overheard, I work at an international school and discussing the story of Cinderella with a bunch of eight-year-olds. A new boy had joined the class, and he asked, what does wicked mean? And we all came up with different suggestions that it means evil, unkind, cruel, etc. And an awesome little 8-year-old boy who comes from India put up his hand and announced to the group, you know, like a bitch. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm taking all of your notes, and I've summarized them into one

word. There. Yeah. Is the bitch stepmother. That's just like that. That's like Meredith, whatever her name. You know, from the musician, she did that song where she took all of those words and then she summarized it into bitch, you know? Yeah. Brooks.

Meredith Brooks. One time I did a book report in high school. A Brooke report. And it was the final thing I had not read. It was something, I forget what it was. It was about a lady, the book. And then I summarized it by saying that she was a child, a lover, something, a mother.

And I did all the lyrics from Bitch. How did that go? I mean, it was a C+. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's the best you can hope for, I think, in school. Yeah. Yeah. As far as I'm aware, that's the best grade you can get.

I mean, that's a pretty good, like, you know, about average for faking your way through a book report. Yeah. Yeah, most definitely. And you know what? What I will say about Jane Eyre is, damn, I wish she was my lover. uh damn i wish she was my lover it's also a testament to the teacher who's who's reading it and going at some points for at least listening to an album i mean yeah some points for like not being boring yeah yeah yeah at least like so many of these are so boring yeah yeah because if you knew the song you would have got a laugh yeah for sure well and just uh i mean even just but i don't the clearness of

that you hadn't read like if i was a teacher that's what i would crave is the boldness the boldness skip the book and is trying to fake their way through a report yeah and you like you know you write a little comment of i think i see where you from. I just want you to know. I know what's going on. I'm okay with it. I could fail you. I could fail you, but hey, I enjoyed the shit. You submitted something, you went to the effort

to type something up. Parts of it are just the IMDB from Robocop. It was supposed to be typed, but I had written it freehand. Oh. Why? Oh, boy. Never.

Yeah. I mean, like, given the option. Last second, last second. Sort of thing. On the bus, on the way to school. At school, yeah. Yeah, sure. Exactly.

Next phone call. Call. Hello. Hi, Dave and Graham and lovely guest. I'm calling in with an overheard. My son, who's 11, had a few friends over for a sleepover and they were watching Rogue One. And I was upstairs kind of keeping one ear on what was going on. And somebody in the movie said where's the

message and one of the boys said in my butthole and that was it nobody laughed it was just said and off i go bye the best is that nobody yeah they've heard it before yeah yeah oh yeah that's that's jeremy's line that he is always and i'm sorry listeners that i should have warned you that had a spoiler as well yeah yeah that it's uh it's in jeremy's book yeah um yeah i uh Um, yeah, I, uh, do you, do you have a stock line when you were a kid that like worked once and you tried to try it over and over again? I feel like kids, once they realize a joke. Oh yeah. I don't remember.

But there were definitely like, you know, catchphrases that I caught. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I started standup, I decided I i was gonna have this stock line that i was gonna use to destroy hecklers i've never used it once in my whole life do you want me to practice by heckling on you yeah actually that would be great if should i be abusive or just like abuse okay yeah yeah yeah just hey get off stage asshole hey man oh wait this guy's really dumb we have to establish okay right oh get off stage off stage, you dumb hole, butthole.

Okay. Hey, sir, did you realize that after elementary school, there's a whole other school you're supposed to go to? That's pretty good. I was going to say that to someone. I never did. That's good. It is good.

I mean, it's good here because we don't have uh junior high but in another other place yeah there's two more schools you have to go to yeah oh i would adapt it for local like i was performing it obviously i would go to people and say hey what's your school system you go to england and you're like you what what are sevenths, you're supposed to attend something after A-levels. And I like how I now say attend. You know, after you go to school for lads. When you're in short pants. He destroyed that heckler.

I'm going to wait for you to do that. And I'm going to Google, you to do that. And I'm going to Google Chris James destroys heckler. Yeah. If you do that, then I do a bit where I pretend to destroy a heckler and he actually destroys me. So that's what you would find. Ah, it's already out there. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Hey, Dave, when was the last time you did stand up? Oh, boy. I can pinpoint it. I don't remember. Like, there was no time when I stopped. Like, I'm not doing it anymore, but I think I remember it. It was,

uh, it must've been 2011 because I missed out on everyone doing Bane impressions that I'm sure everyone was like, people were dipping into that. Yes. Yes. Patrick Malihaw is still, still given his.

Yeah. Yeah. I guarantee it is. But like, it was, you want to talk about a catchphrase or something that caught fire. Oh, those Bane impressions. It was like everybody. Because you can make him say anything. Yeah.

Speaking of movies that had a warning, like that movie got a lot of complaints because they were like are we supposed to know what he's saying yeah like it's oh really people literally couldn't hear they had to re-record all of his dialogue because the original cut people were like we it's gibberish we can't understand like is he supposed to be really they released it uh no this was like i see yeah yeah test audiences or whatever but even with the fix you were still like he's saying gotham right he's not saying get them i think i gotta do stand-up again yeah yeah yeah here's your final overheard been from portland what happened did you start talking before the beep went off?

I've been from Portland, Oregon. I was shopping. This is an overheard. I was shopping at a grocery store. Where was I? I was at a hardware store about a week before Christmas and caught this woman on the phone saying, Oh, Caitlin, you don't have enough friends for a Christmas party. Whoa. You want to talk about savage birds? Oh, no, no.

At best, you could maybe stage a three-wise man. Yeah. Why not a small pageant? Half a pageant. Some sort of half pageant. You know, before they show up in the manger and everybody else shows up. And we could certainly use some neighborhood dogs to be sheep. Or we could make some clay sheep.

I'll put some clay in a garlic press. They're all pubes. Sheep are all pubes. And when you wear wool, that's what you're wearing. So, everybody, lay off people who have tons of pubes chiefs are all pubes and when you wear wool that's what you're wearing so everybody lay off people

who have tons of pubes tufts yeah tufts of pubes um well uh that brings us to the end

of the episode uh Chris what would you like to plug this is your this is your chance to shine uh just the

the not even a show that's all i'm trying to go i'm trying to not do stand-up i don't like to do stand-up that much i much prefer to make prank phone calls yeah not even a show show no it's called the not even a show so yeah you can just google the not even a show it's youtube.com slash c slash not even a show so you can google it or just type in the. Type in the URL. Just if you're one of those direct people. Yeah, yeah. You know, some people are really don't like to use Google.

They got no time. No, but yeah, that's the main thing. I think it's, I think it's fun and good. And I think probably people, some people who are listening will like it. It's very funny. Yeah. Yeah. I've watched many episodes of it.

Yeah. I think it's weird and and good and i want it yeah it's growing a bit and i'd like it to grow more so please check that out and when do you think you'll premiere this uh this heckler line oh well i am hosting at the comedy mix at the end of the month so yeah maybe then yeah maybe i will it depends i'm with sean patton who's i'll talk to him first and I'll say how how much do you mind if I really fucking drill someone and really just make it uncomfortable in here with an absolutely that's my role as the MC right yeah I'm gonna try and obliterate somebody and

then I like to and then obviously I sell my merchandise just before I bring the headliner out that's what do you got you got some bobbleheads yeah and then I, but I do make sure to tell everyone that, uh, all of the, I say that it goes to this, like, and then I'll pick whatever the, like a really bad thing that happened,

like a tragedy. I'll say it's some of the money's going to that. Oh. And then I'll say, and your headliner. Yeah. I was on a show that someone did that. That's why I bring it up.

A lot of the money is going to, uh, you know, hurricane relief. Those people are. Yeah. Oh, they're, they relief. Those people are. Yeah. Oh, they're just suffering so much. Your headline.

He did the Las Vegas shooting at the time. He said that it would have gone to the victims of the Las Vegas shooting. And your headliner, Pete Zedlacher. Well, you got to, somehow you got to get that merch out. Pete and I were looking at each other in the back. We couldn't. Anyways, it was pretty funny. But yeah, not even a show.

We got anything? No, I think we're cool. We're cool. You know, if you're ever in Vancouver, you want to see just the show. I do a show every Monday at a place called Havana. In fact, a lot of people are in Vancouver already. Yeah. And they're not going.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Now that I think about it, what the fuck? You're already here. Anyways, if you like the show, you can follow us on Twitter at Stop Podcast. Do follow us on Twitter. We don't have very many followers

considering the size of our audience. Yeah. And we, you know, people write to us on Twitter and we'll write back. Yeah, it's, you know what I think?

People are afraid of Twitter because, you know, because that guy's on it all the time. Oh, yeah. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah. You also have a great

Facebook group. Yeah, I think a lot of the people are in the Facebook group doing a lot of their interactions on there. Yeah. It's fun. It's, you know, you can post a picture of something you saw. It's one of my favorite groups.

I'll say that. And to be completely honest, I don't ever post in it, but I love it because it's so positive and funny. And I don't get a lot of that in my life. Yeah. And you don't find a lot of that on the internet. No, you don't. You don't. So, I mean, mean maybe maybe in kids entertainment

yeah maybe there's more positive funny stuff and like tintin tintin yeah yeah you know what check out tintin yeah we'd like to i mean this episode's been too racist already so is tintin racist oh tintin's racist i don't i don't know about Tintin except that it was a book and then a movie that people were kind of... He goes around the world and just to different places. Oh, and maybe they're not depicted as accurately as they could be. That's true. All I remember... Do you remember when Billy Crystal dressed up like Tintin for the Oscars?

Oh, I remember. The Oscars montage I remember the Oscars montage like five years ago yeah no it was so

fucking crazy it's like the craziest thing that's ever happened on the Oscars I love Billy Crystal but do you love

him dressed as Tintin I mean I loved his jazz man guys we're trying to we're trying to get out of this

racism yeah and thanks so much for listening and if you like the show please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.