Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 516 - Kathleen McGee

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

Comedian Kathleen McGee returns to talk past lives, bowling alley carpet, and finding wallets.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 516 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who could not be more excited that Murphy Brown's coming back to television, Mr. Dave Shumka. Murphy. Jim. Yeah.

He's gotta be dead by now, right? Charles Kimbrough? No, yeah, Murphy's the only one coming back. Oh, really? They're all dead. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the last episode. That she was the only one who survived the poisoning. Miles.

Miles. Oh, Miles and Niles would be a great show. That would be a pretty good show. I'm for putting together any TV characters whose names rhyme. Yeah. Phoebe and TB. I mean, if she was partnered with tuberculosis. Yeah, or somebody to be announced.

Phoebe and TBA. Let's see. Chandler and Adam Sandler. Yeah, that's good. Urkel and... Angela Merkel. Yeah. Thank Merkel. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. Uh, our guest today, very funny comedian, a return guest to the podcast. She don't dance no more. She make money moves. It's Kathleen McGee. I wish that was true. I dance all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't make any money moves. I just dance for free. Um, should we get to know us yes get to know us who is it who is it the cardi b cardi b you're singing about cardi b you gotta look up cardi b her instagram is pretty entertaining oh oh i definitely i'll dive into her whole catalog i know you will have you heard of her before today. I don't think so. Really? No.

She make money moves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand that. That's been brought to my attention. She don't dance no more. She's got red bottoms. She's got bloody shoes. Jeez, Louise.

You know what that's talking about? It's talking about those expensive. Those red bottom. Yeah, the ones. What are they called? Louboutin or something? I don't know. Everyone calls them Louboutins. They're Louboutins. Excuse me. Just like people call it Moulin Rouge. It's Moulin Rouge.

Dave knows a lot of basic bitch stuff. I'm a real bitchy guy who's learned French. I mean that's why my parents put me in French immersion. Can I just say something about Murphy Brown before we start

because I wanted to jump in but I thought that would be rude I'm excited to see who their secretary is going to be every time because I feel like they're going to put like famous people

Cardi B Cardi B will be at one week I think I think Michelle Obama Michelle Obama I think what's that guy from the page

from 30 Rock Kenneth Kenneth oh yeah for sure you know who I feel like Alec Baldwin would be a good What's that guy from the page from 30 Rock? Kenneth? Oh, yeah. For sure. You know, I feel like Alec Baldwin would be a good. People tweeted us that it's coming back, but I'm not sure I know what that means. I'm more excited that Roseanne's coming back.

Way more excited. But the whole, the last season. Oh, yeah. She won the lottery. Yeah, and Dan was dead. Did you watch the last season? Yes. Did you watch the last episode? Oh, yeah. She won the lottery. Yeah, and Dan was dead. Did you watch the last season? Yes. Did you watch the last episode?

Yes. Okay. So I recently got Amazon Prime, and the whole thing is on Amazon Prime, and I watched it all throughout Christmas. So you got Amazon Prime. You make money moves. Well, I guess that is a money move. That makes me feel better about myself. All of a sudden, I'm spending $70.

But I loved the for myself. All of a sudden, we're spending $70. But I loved, I loved the whole, like I watched it. I'm like, I remember this and this is like this shaped my childhood. And okay,

so he does die at the end, but I'm excited to see how he's not dead. And I'm so happy he's not dead. It happens, people. It's television. So it's going to be like some weird multiverse.

I don't know. I mean, the last season was weird, but I also watched Community and I enjoyed the first few seasons weird multiverse Roseanne? I mean, the last season was weird, but I also watched Community and I enjoyed the first few seasons and then it got

too weird. But even with Roseanne... Because they had the ghost of Dan on there. He's actually on it. What they should have, here's what they should do.

Wonder Years. Yeah. But in the 80s. Yeah. I mean, to me, that's a no-brainer. Fred Savage is,

you know, wearing the Thriller jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Winnie's got crazy big hair. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Pfeiffer. Maybe he becomes a punk.

Maybe he becomes Marilyn Wilson. Paul Pfeiffer goes and gets a rib removed. Oh, boy. They just got to remake all the... Do you want to get to know us? Oh, no. I already said that. I know.

I'm sorry. I always interrupt you guys on that It's fine Kathleen It's been about Let's say a year Yeah Since you were last here Wayne has some kind of

Scroat combination Yeah he shaves men's Unders There's a And then the dad But the dad Who died in the series he's somehow back yeah sure he's alive again uh what's going on kathleen um i don't know i'm moving back to edmonton you make money moves it literally is a money move because i have none because i live in vancouver yeah yeah yeah just can't do this anymore.

That will miss you here in town. I mean, it's not like I won't ever come back. No, no, that's the new, there's a new treaty in the works. Once you're gone, you can't come back. Yeah, yeah. You can send a proxy, but you cannot come back. It's exciting. You're excited to move? Well, I mean, I'm from Edmonton

I miss my family And I'm tired of Vancouverites saying I'm sorry Every time I tell them I'm from Edmonton Oh Single

I fucking hate that Every time someone does that I secretly curse them In my head And hope that they die alone In Pennyless Oh wow Like a long term curse

Oh yeah Like it's a long curse I miss my family of gypsies back in Edmonton. I am a gypsy. Are you really? My mom, like, went, like, she does. What kind of big fat wedding would you have? Like the best.

Like, I want one of those light-up wedding dresses. Yes. You make money moves. No, my mom was like, she's a genealogist. What's the comedy rule of eight? Eight. Pause. Repeat eight more times

you break all the rules you make money moves yeah I do but we're gypsies my mom looked back and like we're Polish gypsies really what

that's why I like sparkly shit how'd you how what are the records like for gypsy fans how did she look back I should I don't know

she's just like as always oh well she looked back at stuff but she always had like a crazy aunt that was like, we're gypsies. So first,

the first stop was her house. Yeah. Yeah. That was it. Well, I totally believe it. I'm a gypsy. I move a lot.

Did she do the ancestry.ca? No, she worked at the provincial archives of Alberta. Oh. My mom is like real shit. She's not just some mom that sits at home on the computer. Well, she does that now.

Is that an architect? I think I, I, I know people who do that and they have, shit she's not just some mom that sits at home on the computer well she does that now is that is that an architect but i think i i i know people who do that and they have documents yeah like yeah there's i mean i'm sure there's a lot of stuff all i know is my mom's like yeah you're a gypsy because i move a lot i've moved i mean i haven't had a real home in like 15 years so i'm just like moving around what do you mean you haven't had a real home you live in a real home right now yeah yeah but for two years i was basically like I didn't have an affixed address I was like yeah yeah I was like crashing at my boyfriend's house and like where did your mail go uh to my mom's house where did your magazines get sent I just bought them I'm not

a subscription whoa you just that really is I don't like to commit to a subscription. She makes funny moves. Yeah. This is a real hobo living, picking up your magazines one at a time. I mean, I had houses. I wasn't sleeping on the streets. But I know tons of comics that are no-fix-your-dress comics. I was on tour all the time, too. If someone could do a mashup of Cher's Gypsy's Tramps and Thieves

and Cardi B's Bodak Yellow. That'd be great. Send it in. Send it in. Have you ever done any genealogy or does anyone in your family? No. I mean, there was one thing that happened that was like a weird... When did your...

Go ahead. Oh, like this guy, a writer, Will Ferguson, he went over to Ireland to like research his bloodline and found that at one point there was a split because this guy was a secret bigotist. He had a secret family. Oh no. And so it was like big news over there. And my family is related to the split off family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the only genealogy was it hitler yeah yeah yeah if you go back far enough sort of translate graham hitler

yeah well yeah i mean from ireland you go from the most likable person ever to hi i'm graham hitler yeah do you know there were other Hitlers before? Oh, I'm sure. But who would want to keep that name? Wow. Do you think that people are going to want to keep that name? Some bad people. Yeah, but there's other Beethovens and Mozarts too, but I don't see them around.

That's true. Doug Beethoven. Beethoven III. Beethoven's V or whatever. Charles Grodin. My family, we were serfs. Yeah. I'm in Southern California now.

Yeah. And then we moved to the prairies of Canada. And I think one of my grandparents was a mayor of a small town. Oh, really? Yeah. Maybe Procop. Was it Procop Shumka? Sure.

Anyone listening out there? Was Procop Shumka your mayor? Tell us if you were in small town Prairie Town. Yeah, I don't, I've never, I've never gone back and looked at the. It's actually, I know it's, some people listen, it can be interesting of course i was dating my very first boyfriend his last name was donnelly and when my grandpa met

him my grandpa was like are you you're a relative from ontario and he's like yeah and then my grandpa said oh your family was a horrible family because like i guess his family was part of this. There was a, there was a family called the black Donnellys. Oh yeah. And it, and they were just like this family that like terrorized that the like rural Ontario and my family of McGee's lived near them.

And they basically like burnt their farms down and like, they were crazy families. And, and my mom has read up about it and so everyone thought it was so funny that he was like a Donnelly like I mean my grandpa was glad

when we broke up when I think of someone who's like it's a horrible family it's like other people in the restaurant who let their kids run around the loud Donnellys

those loud Donnellys and their Donnelly children but if you do go back that's the risk, right? Is that you go back and you're like, whoa. Yeah. Oh, so this guy only had one kid before he started killing kids. Oh, yeah.

But that kid went on to own so many slaves. It's also fun to lie to people about your genealogy because people will believe anything yeah like i worked at fort emerson park and i was in this like uh the fort so i dressed up like a metis woman and i talked about what it was like to be a metis woman and um this you know it was this but like 10 years ago like 20 24 25 maybe a little younger i've always dreamed about that gig oh we have to talk about something. Okay, after. Well, what's the difference from...

You'd be a good blacksmith. Past guest Ben Mills did it in Barkerville. Barkerville. And there's also a place in Calgary called Heritage Park. Yeah. That has the... Yeah. This, I teach in the school.

Exactly. You could have worked in the fort for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like you could have been a Scottish man working the York boats, but so anyway, I worked there and we always get like extremely rude Americans always because they always thought this, like they'd come up and they'd say horrible things like,

is this where you killed all the Indians? And I'm like, no, this was a fur trading fort. Right. It was a little different. We relied on them. Anyway.

So this one woman came up and she was just like asking me questions about things and then I didn't like staying in character. I wasn't one of those, I used to live in this time. I would just be like, this is where they did this.

And I couldn't do that. Your phone was always going off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It appears to. Anyway. Yeah. I don't smell no more. I make money move.

So this woman, I can't remember why I started talking to her about this, but she asked me about my genealogy or something. And I told her, I'm like, yeah, my mom did some research and we found out we're related to the Queen of England. And she was like, what? I'm like, yes, it's like a very far thing. She's like, and then she's, Mary,

this girl's related to the Queen of England. It's like, people are so stupid sometimes. I did some genealogy research and I found out I'm the reincarnation of Cleopatra.

Oh. Cleopatra, not Cleopatra. No, well. Her ugly twin sister. That's a speech impediment. And how did, how did the research work that you found out you were the reincarnated?

Well, they did. I sent in my ghost blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you get ghost blood? Oh, it runs in my veins. Baby. Haunted blood, haunted blood. I have haunted blood.

I've got like scary hair and it goes up in waves very scary and I've got rickety old bones and you wander around the house at night

carrying chains yeah yeah classic ghost ghost material do you think you have a past life no I mean

I don't think about it but I but no I don't like that's not something you I absolutely believe in past lives I went to a psychic once

and I I know people will be like this feels crazy but I believe in this shit okay and she said that everybody has past lives and everybody in your current life

was part of your past life as well but like maybe not as big a part of your current life but you ran into them at some point in your current life was part of your past life as well. But like maybe not as big a part of your current life, but you ran into them at some point in your life. So you're always with the same gang? Yeah, like just, you just like maybe

you and Dave could have been married in a past life. You know what I mean? It's kind of romantic to think about things like that. But what if, isn't there some- Which one of us was Cleopatra?

Isn't there a statistic that like more people live now than have ever lived? Like including all the people who died. Right. I don't know. Like there's not quite enough souls around for all these people. But isn't there, they still make new souls.

Yeah, maybe they're just spitting them out like it was slow to start. But the new souls don't have past lives. No, that's true. But it's like cats, right? Like one breeds and they just, and within a month, there's like a thousand cats, right? Souls are breeding? Yeah, souls are breeding right now. All right.

But this psychic told me, she said, in a past life, you were royalty, which is why now in this life, when people ask you to do things, you are always like, why? My cousin was with me and we were living together at the time and she goes I don't know if this is fake but that's the truest thing I've ever been able

to say about you but so like you can in the past lives universe you can be royalty and then you can

be not royalty in the next oh how much you was that Defending Your Life the one with Albert Brooks? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I loved that movie when I was a kid. Yeah. Maybe that's why I believe in past lives, but I don't know. But everybody thinks whenever they get their past lives, it's always like you were royalty. You were royalty.

No one has ever. Yeah, it's never like, you were a famed, you know, strangler. Yeah, maybe you were, though. Yeah, I know, but, but you know and that's why you uh your arm your hands rest like that yeah you were like the most famous you were like you were famous after you died because of you died a really big thing went in your butt like an elephant's head on your head yeah that's like that's what you were famous for you never

lived to know that fame but like you know a big giant like post yeah you landed on a giant post you landed on the washington monument you went halfway down oh my god you were king kong you'd have to be a large animal to have that happen oh man the washington monument what else did the psychic did they tell you? Because I'm always afraid if you go to a psychic that they're like, you're going to die. What matters more to you, the psychic stuff or the genealogy stuff? Matters more? Or is it all just fun?

It's all just fun. Ephemera. Yeah. The thing is, a lot of people say, well, they're probably just saying stuff and it's being planted in your head. Okay, so what? That's great then. You're like, what an entertaining thing to do yeah plant something positive in my head that'd be nice but i went to a psychic when i was like 22 and i like had just been dumped i was fatter than ever like just wasn't miserable kathleen's back and she's fatter

that's what they're gonna do with murphy brown She's back and she's fatter than ever. That's what they're going to do with Murphy Brown. Oh my God. But I was just like, I was just unhappy. And she said that like, she was like, in your 24th year, you'll find out what you want to do with your life. And she's like, it's a creative thing. thing like she said you know how people go to karaoke and like they're good at karaoke but they'll never be a professional singer but you're gonna be a professional something in the entertainment industry and that this was before I even

considered stand-up or anything huh and then when I turned 24 that's when I started doing stand-up so that's when you started working at heritage park yeah yeah no I quit heritage park to do stand-up but I mean like even if someone just put that in my head, then great. It put me on the right path. Huh. Yeah. I don't know. It's a weird.

I know people, some people totally believe in it. And some people think it's all hokey pokey. I, uh, there, there's a. There's a restaurant called Hokey Pokey. And it turns yourself around. What is pokey? Pokey? I won't eat it because I hate all the names of the restaurants.

But there's, there, like, one day there was no pokey and now there's nothing but pokey. It's like sushi bowls. It's sushi something. I thought you meant like the prison slang. Oh, the pokey. Like you're in the pokey. Is that the pokey? Yeah, that's the pokey.

I guess the pokey. P-O-K-E. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? It's like a bowl of sushi. It's like rice and like other things on top and like whatever you have in sushi in a bowl. But why can't a sushi place just give you a poke bowl? I don't know because it's a Hawaiian thing, I think, and it became popular.

But I literally won't eat at any of these places because they all have the stupidest names. Pokey Pokey. Pokey Pokey and the Pokey Dot Door. The stupidest. It's just like hair salons thaty Pokey and the Pokey Dot Door. Like just the stupidest it's just like hair salons that have like and here we are. Yeah.

I just don't like and here we are. There's a place in Everton called and here we are. And there you go. I can't I can't

I cannot Here we are now entertain. I can't patron be a patron of any of those kind of places. Oh boy. I really like here we are now entertain I can't patron be a patron of any of those kind of places Oh boy

I really like Here we are Of course you do Well I like and here we are and here we are and here we are because it starts

with a dot dot dot They probably wanted to be the front of the phone book Yeah Remember when phone books mattered and like you had

like triple A plumbing Yeah yeah yeah and here we are and here we're back. SEO searches back in the day were, just get AAA automotive. But it was never for anything like hair. It would be AAA hair. AAA hair.

It would be AAA car batteries, alternators. Why was it AAA? I'm sure then it went to quadruple A, right? Yes. You're having more A's? That's a dick move. That's like betting a dollar over the person on the price is right. Being like AAA plumbers, we're like, well, we'll quadruple A plumbers.

I think alphabetically, shouldn't it just be the letter A? Yeah, maybe. And then a space, because space comes before. But if they put up a plumber, then it's like, oh boy. Oh boy, this is confusing. We got a plumber. Yeah, it just makes it seem like you're just some plumber. He doesn't seem to think much of himself.

I'm just a plumber. I mean, I guess I do all right work. It's like I feel like when you're a kid and you draw a picture of a town. Yeah. And you do like shoe store, all plumber, toy store, food store, mayor. I hated drawing maps in elementary. Like we need to draw a map of Canada. Oh, yeah. I just hated like I never could get Ontario. I drew a maps in elementary. Like, we need to draw a map of Canada. Oh, yeah.

I just hated, like, I never could get Ontario. I drew a map of Canada. Oh, Canada. What is that? That's the new number one hit single. It's coming out July 1st, 2018. Your face sketched on it twice. I nailed it.

What is this? Joni Mitchell. Okay. Oh, that's a real song. I thought you were just making it up. Did you ever have that where you had like on a test where you had to free hand a map of Canada? Yeah, I

did not like those tests. Yeah. I'm not an artist. I didn't mind labeling. Dave's going to try and free hand one right now. I didn't mind labeling. I always got messed up with the Atlantic provinces. Yeah, I would just draw those as just kind of like four concentric circles that kind of... There's this comic, Kelly Taylor.

You know Kelly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he is... I don't want to draw it. Yeah, we're all drawing it. He is so funny. He has this joke about how you'd be asked to color in a map of Canada and he'd be in there coloring so hard with his pencil crayons.

And then the girl next to you would just outline it and then shade it in, and she'd be done, and you'd be like, ah! I don't have a pen. I know you don't have a pen. Are you covering your work? Yeah. Hey.

Okay, I'll just judge who has the best one. No. What are you judging? Oh, boy, I can do uh vancouver island there yeah yeah yeah start with vancouver i always forgot about vancouver i just put a dot in the ocean as victoria the north is uh it's a it's a it's a lot of it's a lot of little islands up top and then uh oh already fucked up the scale here you can't put the east coast on i'm just gonna It's a lot of little islands up top. And then... Uh-oh. Oh, great. Already fucked up the scale here.

You can't put the East Coast on. I'm just going to do some hair up top. I'm going to make every province very skinny. Dave drew some hair up top. He drew America. That's not Canada. That's Florida. That's Toronto down there.

That's Florida. I make money moves. That's Flo Rida. It is kind of though. You do kind of I make money moves. That's Flo Rida. It is kind of, though. You do kind of just make it wiggly up top. Yeah. And then you go, you know, down over here for the Hudson's Bay. Hudson's Bay, yeah.

And then there's the Bay. Yeah, I'll do Hudson Bay, too. I'll add one of those. There's your Atlantic provinces. Pretty good. Yeah. Can you put these on your fridge, please? Sure.

And they'll be like, your daughter is so talented. Oh, you're dividing the provinces. That's what you have to do. Well, no, I was doing an outline. I never had this assignment. Really? Really? Oh, man, I hated it.

We always had to draw it. There we go. Done. Canada. Saskatchewan. I love how you're counting over. It's like counting on your fingers during mad minutes. Did you do mad minutes ever?

No, what's mad minutes? Oh, the bait of my existence. It was like, you would get like a sheet just with multiplication problems and you'd have a minute to do all of them. I'm terrible at math. I had to go to math tutoring.

I had to go to Kuman. Me too. Did you go to Kuman? I went to, what's the one? Sylvan Learning Center. Sylvan Learning Center. Well, I went to Kuman, and it's just where white kids go to be taught math by Asian kids.

Oh. But it was, I hated every minute of it. It was just like doing math for an hour. No, I'm not good at math to this day. How many fingers am I holding up? Not blind. I'm just dumb. I'll have you know I'm not blind.

I'm just dumb. We used to have to do that, but they would do it like week by week with every number. Like you would do three times one, three times two, three times three. That I found pretty easy. When it was like five times six and then one times eight. Well, one times eight. I got that. Yeah.

If somebody said it really fast to you. But like, if it was in order, you could just count like three, six, nine, six, nine. And then you go

six, nine. I'm an eight-year-old. I'm a creepy eight-year-old. That's not right. Are you going to miss anything about Vancouver when you leave? Oh, I'll definitely miss the weather. Not the rainy weather, but just like the no snow weather. Yeah, the no freezing cold weather.

I'll miss seeing your faces once a year. Once a year, yeah. You can still come back once a year. You know what? I've changed my mind. You can come back once a year. I do. I love Vancouver. It's just? I've changed my mind. You can come back once a year. I do. I love Vancouver.

It's just like an unlivable city sometimes. I just, if you don't have, I mean, I don't want to get a real job. So I can still do it. Sometimes I think about getting a real job. But I'm not doing poorly in the comedy world. I'm making pretty good money considering. You don't dance? No.

I don't dance no i don't dance no well no i do i i dance all the time yeah yeah i'm just dancing monkey like pay me pay me i'm trying to make money moves but i don't know how but yeah no i just and uh my rent is going to be a third of what i'm paying here oh that's pretty nice. I miss all my Alberta friends. Like, I don't think people under, everyone trashes Edmonton, but out of every place I've been, Edmonton has the coolest people. Oh,

really? Like just the nicest, like chillest people. Have you been to Bayside? Yeah. Like tape by the belt? I was going to say, have you been to wherever the fonts is from?

Where, where was that set? Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin. Yeah, Wisconsin. It's just a good town. I know everybody talks down about Edmonton. It makes me so sad.

People in Edmonton are very friendly folk. Yeah. And very proud of their city. Yeah. There's a lot of civic pride there. But, well, is that not common in other cities like we will in vancouver we will make fun of edmonton we'll make fun of winnipeg we'll make fun of we'll make fun of toronto like la that way in la we'll be like vancouver yeah yeah yeah uh so is

but does edmonton not do that to other cities? We hate Calgary for some weird reason. I think it's a sports thing. But I don't know. Most people in Edmonton are pretty cool and pretty chill. And I've never had the urge to be like if someone said they were from Winnipeg to say I'm sorry. But I feel like Vancouver people just will say it to anybody. I don't know. I'm not sad to be moving back to Edmonton.

At first I thought if I move, then people will be like, Kathleen's quitting everything. But I'm really not. I'm moving back so I can save money so I can produce theater tours.

Like, I'm trying to like build and I can't save in Vancouver. And you're never here. I'm never here. Yeah. You're just paying rent

on an empty place. And I love my house. That's the biggest saddest rent on an empty place. And I love my house. That's the biggest saddest part is that I'm going to lose this amazing house. But the first thing, like half of the people on my Facebook, they were like, oh, you're moving? Who's going to rent your house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so Vancouver. And I was like, fuck you.

Yeah, yeah. I just announced this. I called them property vultures. But seriously, who's Vancouver? That's a great name for a reality show. The property vultures? Especially if they're like cute twins. No, I think they should be bald twins.

They should look like Mr. Burns. Yeah, with hunches. Yeah, with hunches. With like big smiles. Oh, yeah. Big chompers. They just scour Facebook for somebody putting their, this is why I'm leaving Vancouver blog.

But yeah, no, I'm...'m oh now that is a very that's a popular thing to do yeah is to write here's why i'm breaking up with you vancouver yeah yeah yeah are you gonna write one of those no i just want to have a like a final show or pays to come and see me so i can pay for my move but nice but i don't know it's just like uh i find like a lot of people are moving to smaller because you don't have like with the internet and stuff i don't know. It's just like, I find like a lot of people are moving to smaller. Because you don't have, like with the internet and stuff, I don't have to live in Toronto or Vancouver to be successful at what I do. Right. Like you can live anywhere and like I can travel.

You can't live underground. You need to have access to that Wi-Fi. Yeah. Can't live under the sea. No. Can't live out in space. Why not? That'd be so cool. Space, they have internet.

Yeah. Right. no can't live out in space why not that'd be so cool in space they have internet yeah you're right just as soon as I said it I knew I was wrong and I was hoping nobody would catch it and they wear diapers

you have wifi in space yeah yeah yeah you just have to do the password yeah that'd be the worst if you're an astronaut and you can't get the password

you're up there for nine months just like what do I do read a book nobody reads I'm a scientist I don't read books I look at screens reads books. I'm a scientist. I don't read books. I look at screens.

God damn it, I'm a scientist. Could they not talk to Houston? Houston, we have a problem. I need the Wi-Fi password. I don't know the password. It's in Russian. Yeah, yeah. I don't have the right keyboard.

It's Houston, one, two, three. Is Houston capitalized? I always get anxiety when I have to ask someone for their Wi-Fi password. Really? Well, I always feel like it's like some people are very protective of their Wi-Fi. I don't know. Yeah, that's... Like, do you have Wi-Fi?

And they're like, I guess. But you know, you don't live here now. Please don't download anything here. Yeah, do you have Wi-Fi? Also, do you have the web address for some sort of uh torrenting site i i don't torrent things no more i make money moves but yeah good for you i uh i used to until i got my web provider would email me and say i we noticed you torrented some things yeah do they still do that i don't know i it scared me right away and I was like,

look, the amount I'm paying you people for my cable and internet, I should be able to view everything all the time. Yeah. And why is my cable company

worried that I like downloaded the three amigos? Yeah. Well, for me, it was always like, Dave, you downloaded an opera

or like, oh yes, because you're Yeah, you downloaded a museum. Yeah, you downloaded a museum. Yeah, you downloaded, sure, Night at the Museum. Your PhD was downloaded. You downloaded Helping a Charity.

Yes. We noticed you illegally torrented a way to solve the energy crisis. You stooge. Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you man? I don't gotta dance What's going on with me is Not too much A few days ago I went to a child's birthday party

Okay We're getting into This is a child that you know? He just showed up Child I don't know this child really a friend of abby's child and we're getting into did you say a friend of abby's child isn't that also your child no a friend of abby oh their child okay i get it okay yeah this is getting yeah it's one

of those uh one of those riddles if it's a friend of ab's child. And I would say I'm friendly with them. How old was the child? Four. We're getting into the fours now. That's a good one. The fabulous fours. May the fours be with you. Yes.

Was there a theme? Bowling. Oh, okay. Good theme. Good times. But it didn't take place at a bowling alley. Yeah.

Just a lot of ornamental pins. Yeah, they bought a bunch of carpet with the like planets on. We just threw pins down an aisle. Bowling with children. That does sound like a lot of fun.

But it was so much fun because when they're that young, no one's keeping score. There's an automatic scorekeeper, but everyone just goes whenever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the kids go halfway down the alley yeah and throw it Margot uh like I tried to show her like just you know swing it between your legs and then

roll it down and she was like that's too much so she would put it down and like put one hand on the ball and like like golden tea oh yeah I like that move and all in the gutter and not strong enough to make it to the end. So like every five or six balls, someone would have to throw a ball down in the gutter and loosen all the balls. They didn't have gutter fillers?

No, no. Bumpers? No bumpers. We went to the, it was at the Granville, the Commodore Lanes. the, uh, Granville, uh, the Commodore lanes.

And it was, which is like, I don't think it's not a seedy place anymore, but it's hard to get that seediness out of it. Like smoking has been banned in the city for 15 years. Yeah. And it still smells. It does still smell like smoke down there.

That's weird. A lot of smoke was made down there. Yeah. But like they must've replaced the carpets even since was made down there. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They must have replaced the carpets even since then. I wonder. Yeah. Like, and Poppy was crawling all over the carpets and stuff, and we were like, this is the worst carpet she's ever crawled on. But that's what you have to do with kids out here.

You got to let them do gross stuff so that they build up immunity. Oh, she does the grossest stuff. Yeah. And also you have to get used to, you know, cause eventually she's going to get a job that's gross. You know, she's going to have to, her first job's going to be something gross. Why does it have to be gross?

Because you have work at a, you know, something. Yeah. You work at a store. My first job. Clean the floors. My first job was people would pay me to like,

they'd mix a ketchup and mustard together and, and all the, all the condiments and they'd pay me to eat it. It was a really gross job. It was a contract job. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, no, it was not.

There were no benefits. Well, you got to have all the condiments you wanted. What was your favorite combination? Ketchup and water. You seem like a watered down ketchup kind of guy. Thank you.

Now, is this a crazy question? Do they have bowling shoes for these kids? No, but it was take off your shoes. Thank you. Now, is this a crazy question? Do they have bowling shoes for these kids? No, it was, but it was take off your shoes.

Okay. Socks. Yeah, socks. That would have been adorable if they were all wearing little bowling shoes.

Did any of the four-year-olds like do that thing where they kick their leg behind their other leg? Yep. Some had some great

Some pro bowlers at four. Yeah. And this was five pin. Not 10 pin? Shocking. Is there any 10 pin left in Vancouver? I don't know.

We talk about this every hundred episodes. Really? There's some on the outskirts. Well, there used to be one down on Marine Drive. That's not there anymore. At Hippos? Yeah, that's gone. Is Hippos still there?

No, no. Hippos is gone. Hippos is gone. I was talking about Hippos is gone. Hippos is gone. I drove, uh, I know I was talking about hippos with my, I have a guy. I went to,

I guess a friend of, I'm really stingy with the word friend. Yeah. This guy that Abby knows is good. Yeah. He's a, he's a police officer. Yeah.

And we were talking about hippos and he's like, never go there by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Never go to hippos. Like as a police officer. Is it a coke front talking about hippos and he was like, never go there, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Never go to hippos. Like, as a police officer. Is it a coke front? No, but like, bad stuff.

Like, they go, the police show up there all the time. Wow. Yeah. It was in that hotel because it's right on Marine Drive. Like, there's nothing else around there. Oh, my God. So, it's just trouble, you know? There's 10-Pin in Edmonton.

I had my ex-boyfriend. Well, why don't you move back? I'm going. That's part of the reason why. I can't bowl 10-Pin enough and break my nails. What do you got? Frank Sissons? Is that in Edmonton?

Frank Sissons? What? That was like a chain of bowling alleys in Calgary. I wasn't sure if it was Alberta. Why? Frank Sissons, Silver Dollar, Casino, and Bowling Center. Whoa, bowling chain. Yeah.

Hey, what's the name of the bowling place out by the ferry terminal at that big outlet mall? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's like fish. Fish themed bowling. Yeah, fish and bowl. What? I gotta go do all this stuff before I leave. I went go-karting the other day for like.

What? It was the best. Where? In Richmond. Is your phone talking to you Dave no that wasn't me was it me I don't know

was it me I think it was you uh oh sorry I didn't even hear it Uncle Buck's fish bowl and grill yeah yeah that's the one

I want to go there you go there before you move I will but what where did you go go Carly in Richmond

um I'm part of indoor yeah I'm part of this there's like a documentary about female comics and they wanted to shoot B-roll stuff. And they're like, what kind of hobbies do you have? I'm like, I don't know.

I walk my dog. I don't know. Go-karting, I guess. So he's like, let's go go-karting. I'm like, okay. But it was so much fun. I was very timid the first few laps, but then I'm like, if I hit that wall, nothing will happen to me. Well, the last birthday party

I talked about going to was at a trampoline oh yeah those places look so cool yeah a guy a dad died there at a different one

like this week how? broke his neck broke his neck oh well that's it those things are done well well

not for kids not for kids dads though dads are done yeah I mean I definitely landed on my neck that time

I went and heard some cracks I mean oh my god there before the grace of God go I the last time

I went go-karting I hurt my back I ended up having to go to like a physiotherapist did you hit something no somebody hit me like T-bone

that's illegal except for in the interior of BC. Because I was on tour with Paul Meyerhog. Sorry, that's illegal. They should have called the police. Yeah. I watched the videos.

You're not allowed to ram into people on purpose. You could be ejected. But that's illegal in cart world. Right. That's the old west, baby. It's like the old west. I was on tour with Paul Meyerhog. You know what? I descended from cowboys. No, that's true old west baby it's like the old west I was on tour with Paul Myerhag and I you know what

I descended from cowboys no that's true yeah we were on tour in the BC I don't know between Cranbrook and Kelowna

and we were driving and we saw this big sign and it was like log barn painted no I do love the log barn though

it was like all painted funny and all it said was go karts crashing encouraged and Paul Myerhag was like he pulled over and was like we're doing this all it said was, go-karts, crashing encouraged. And Paul Meyerhag was like, we're doing this. And I'm like in sandals and I'm in this go-kart and it's not a bumper car.

It's just got a big metal cage around the bottom. And it was just like. So do I. And it was just. Because my ancestor had that big bottom trouble. And I hated it because it was just Paul Meyerhag lapping me and ramming into the back of me. Like, lapping me and ramming. Was it just the two of you?

Yeah. Because it was like a Thursday at two. It was just us and just me screaming. And, like, I cut my foot. I'm like, this sucks. You cut your foot? How? Well, it was, like, under this thing.

And then he jolted me and it went up and scratched it. Yeah, but like that's a tetanus shot right there for sure. If you cut yourself on a go-kart, woof. I love it. That's the most tetanus ready place in the known universe. Oh, man. Yeah, I haven't been since I hurt my back because I was like, I have two. I haven't been since I was 11 or whatever

what oh really I haven't ever been to the kind where you need a license I shaved four seconds off my best laugh I thought you were going to say I shaved for it

you know just so I can be more aerodynamic that's why I shave for anything we're going to record this profile of you. You want to go go-karting?

Yeah, but just give me a second. I'm going to go shave all my body hair off. It's like more aerodynamic. Does hair really slow swimmers down? I don't know who's doing it. I don't know who's timing them. Give 100% both times, okay? Before and after you shave. I don't know who's doing it. Like, I don't know who's timing them. I don't know. Like, give 100% both times, okay?

Before and after you shave. Can we do a test where you guys both swim a lap and see what your time is, and then you shave all your hair off and then... Yeah, we can definitely do that. But first, we're going to need you to draw a map of Canada. I'll do it. I'll do it if I can get you guys to swim. But for a while there was

remember in the Olympics like they were wearing the full body suits and then they were like that's making people too fast so no more body suits cause yeah

and what about like are you allowed to dip yourself in Crisco yes you're allowed to dip yourself in Crisco come out to the music by Cisco

uh huh I played rugby in a girls rugby team in San Francisco? No. Thank you. Oh, you guys. I played rugby.

These girls from this one mean team from St. Albert, Alberta. From the greasy town. Delrose High School. They put Vaseline all over their legs. So if you tackled them, they'd slip out. But they layered it on. Like it was disgusting. Well,

that's, that's typical Alberta. You got so much oil there. You could just use it. Oil, grease yourself up. Grease up your legs. That's one of the reasons I'm moving back to Alberta.

I'm excited for my daily grease bath. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're complimentary, uh, provincial grease. Everybody in Alberta lines up every morning.

We jump in our grease bath and we curse the other provinces. Then you slide off to work. We wipe ourselves off with $100 bills. It'll be good. So yeah, bowling was a near disaster. Oh no. There were so many. That's too big for four year olds

I think. Well she's Margo's three and so she dropped the ball a couple times and nearly Did you yell

you just dropped the ball. Yeah. You really dropped the ball kid. Like nearly broke her toes and then two days later

totally like dropped a giant jar on her toe and it was maybe the most pain she's ever felt in her life. Oh, my gosh.

And she broke her leg once before. Yeah, she broke her leg. Yeah, yeah. But she didn't really feel like it. She was like, I think it's fine. And they were like, no, it's broken. Yeah, and if it lands like in a concentrated area. I mean, it would.

I can't imagine. I mean, I can. Foot stuff is really tough for me. me like you're really squeamish around toe stuff oh i have no socks on is that gross no no i don't like i'm not i'm not one of those like oh cover up your toes yeah i'm like uh you know like oh i had to you know you know i broke my toenail or whatever my dad accidentally dumped hot grease on my foot. What? I was like making. Before a rugby game? Yeah, before a rugby game, which really was awful. I didn't have to play anyway or I'd disappoint him.

No, it was like on the stove. I got the wrong grease. He like pulled this pan off that had hot grease in it because he thought it was empty. And it went. It was a burn is like the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Yeah, because it kind of just sticks around for days my foot like bubbled it was disgusting sorry sorry i do have a question yeah okay you there did you have a favorite childhood birthday party yeah of my own yes my own was uh uh born in december it never snows in Vancouver. One year it had snowed.

Yeah. And we went sledding and it was the best. Yeah. That's exciting. Like a favorite party that I went to? No, of yours that you had. Oh. I had a terrible childhood.

Let's skip this question. I never really got into the birthday. Graham's always hated his birthday. Really? Even as a kid? Like as a little, little kid, but I don't remember those. Really? Yeah.

You never had like cool birthday parties and made loot bags and stuff? No, I think once like. Did you ever make glute bags? Yeah, we would make glute bags. Out of gluten in your butt? Yeah. No, Dave. It was not gluten from my butt.

Dave, his butt is gluten free and you know it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But isn't your butt your glutes? No, gluten. yeah. But isn't your butt your glutes? Oh, gluten. Oh, no. Boo. No. Boo to you bringing my butt into this.

No, I think I remember going to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure on my birthday when I was a kid. Fun. I'm thinking that was pretty cool. That's awesome. Yeah. You? Oh, my God. I don't know.

I mean, that one year my dad spilled grease on my leg. And then all my friends lined up beside and they spilled grease on them, too. It was the best birthday ever. Oh, it was like an activity. Yeah. Everybody kind of. Yeah, we're going to burn our feet. That's how the McGee's party.

I had, like, always had really fun sleepover parties. I loved my birthday. That was my favorite because I'd get to plan this little party. Your birthday is in April. April the 12th. No, close. Yeah, really close, right? Pretty impressive.

April the 12th. You're psychic, aren't you? That's pretty impressive. Roll the 12. You're psychic, aren't you? Yeah. There is a psychic on Broadway between like Oak and maybe Heather or whatever. And it's like, it's got to be, they must have like a 20 year lease or something because there's no way.

That they make any money. Yeah. No one's going in there and it's super expensive real estate. Yeah. There's one in my neighborhood. On Main. Well, up on Fraser. Like expensive real estate. Yeah. There's one in my neighborhood. On Main. Well, up on Fraser. Like way.

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one that's on street facing property. And I think has been there since I moved to Vancouver. Yeah. There's the one on Main and 28th is like next to shameful Tiki. Oh, yeah. Right. My friend actually went there.

Yeah. She had a good time. Maybe they do make. People. I just don't think. Yeah, so maybe they do make... I just don't think people talk about it because they don't want other people to go like, this person's nuts. But yeah, like people just regularly go to a psychic. I go every birthday.

Really? I always go to a psychic. Which is in April. April? April, but not the 12th. April 5th. Yeah, lower number. Yeah, lower, up lower.

Yeah, a number that's up from one, which is my low bid. My best birthday was when I convinced my mom to let me have a keg party for my 18th birthday. What? I don't know how I did it. I told her, it's just going to be a few friends. We rented the community league across from my house,

and we got one keg, and my brother and his friends were the bartenders because they were like two years older. And I told my mom. Responsible 20 year olds. I told my mom like, I'm just going to invite a few people. And I was passing out flyers at my high school. And like a ton of people showed up and I got wasted and someone broke the toilet.

My mom was so mad. She's just furious. Broke the toilet like from the inside out or cracked it? I think that something happened. I think they unscrewed something and water started shooting out. So you had a movie crazy party.

I've always... Parties are my favorite. I love throwing a good party. I love... It's like a feather in your cap for me if you have a really fun party. Are you going to throw a rager before you move? I want to, but I know it's very, it's like a feather in your cap for me. If you have a really fun party. You gonna throw a rager before you? I want to, but I also like, I love my landlord. I don't want him to be mad at me, but. I just read the community hall across the street.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. My, my favorite is never getting invited to our parties. Apparently I invited like everybody to this last one. I had it. Everybody showed up in my house was packed. Like, like the whole deck was full of people. I was worried the deck was going to collapse.

Oh, that would have been awesome. It got a little out of control. Yeah, but it was fun. You got to have one more. I'll have you guys over for this. One more. One more rager. I will.

I'll have a little going away-er. Right. Away-er. We'll break your toilet for old times' sake. Please, please. Somebody spilled wax down the back of my toilet the last part of my life. Like from a candle?

Yeah, I had a candle because I like... It was probably your dad. Hot wax. My dad loves spilling shit on things. Was Madonna and Willem Dafoe having sex in there? No, but the toilet came really hard.

This is not that kind of show all of a sudden. My toilet loves when you sit on it. Oh, boy. You guys, come on. Hey, come on. You know who I am. Come on, hey.

Hoochie poochie. I've been pretty good for a while. What's up with you, my friend? So yesterday, okay, let's say yesterday, I was leaving my place, and my landlord said uh hey uh i'm i'm going somewhere do you need a ride somewhere and i did but i said no i don't know why but i like reflexively was like no i'm fine even though it was raining and stuff raining so mad too much yeah it was raining so mad i knew it reminded me of uppral. Upral and Cleopatra. But it was, it was like really, it was really coming down.

It was really. And you said no? Yeah, I don't, I'm not sure. Were you afraid that your landlord was going to charge you rent for the time you were in their car? Meter's running. Yeah, I don't know why I said, I'm not sure why I said no. But so then I went and waited for the bus. and then I got on the bus, which was late and I got a seat. Awesome.

And then this guy was getting up to get off the bus and he like dropped a bunch of his stuff. And the guy across from me grabbed his watch and gave it back to him. And then the guy got off the bus and his suit, like the second he got off the bus, I saw that his wallet was on the ground. And I was like, the bus is going and he's got off. I'll just take the money out and throw it out the window.

Hey buddy! Look what I found! There was no money in it. While he was riding the bus. I looked at the guy who gave the watch back, and I was like, what do I do with this wallet? And the guy was like, I'm out. I already did my, I'm out of this.

This is now your problem. The Cub Scouts say do one good deed every day. So then I was like, oh, look, I'll send it to his address. But then I thought, my ID has like two addresses to go on it. You know what I mean? So then I was like, so I got off the bus on the off chance that he was still at the bus stop, which he was frantically looking through his bag for his wallet. So I gave him back his wallet. And then he just hugged me.

And I was like, oh, this is not what I wanted out of this interaction. But that is like a very human reaction because losing your wallet is awful. Yeah. Because you got to replace everything. But just saying thanks is, you know, no, I don't, hugging a stranger? I would hug a stranger if they found my wallet. Really? I would have totally.

Yeah? Yeah. I don't know. I would have been like, I looked at my wallet like, oh, can I offer you a Subway coupon? Or a punch card with one punch in it. May I offer you this GameStop card I've been using to scrape the window on my car? Oh my God. Yeah.

Do you have stuff in your wallet? Do you have stories that make you seem like a good guy? Yes, I do. No, I don't. Yes, I do. I went through a bank drive-thru once and took out like $200 and drove away. I didn't take the money.

Oh, really? I left the money and I'm like driving and then all of a sudden I'm like, holy shit! And I've never been rich. So 200 bucks is like a lot for me. And I like drove back to the bank and I was like in tears. I was like, oh my God, please tell me that somebody, and they're like, how much was it?

I'm like 200. Like, it's right here. I'm like, oh my God. Wow. The person behind brought it into the bank. And said like, here's 200. 200 and this bank, our policy is we make money. Yeah.

Here's a, here's $ here's 180 dollars i don't think i have anything funny in my uh wallet oh my wallet's upstairs i'm trying to think of a i've got travel insurance for my family is that okay i have i have one thing that's uh it's a card from a vintage clothes store that i went to in tofino oh you're gonna and the lady uh she was custom painted these cards why do i have that in my wall wow and then the rest is all just nuts the rest is all just business stuff but the only reason i told that story is because that's the only interesting thing that happened that's a really nice thing you should do i'm proud of what did you end doing? Did you get back on a bus? I had to get on another bus. Oh, no.

But what? Was it some sort of... But then I was thinking, it was like, oh, was it fate that I didn't take that ride from the landlord? And then when I was getting off the train, this lady hit my hand and dropped my umbrella. And so I was like, okay,

I ask fate to make her miss her bus because she did that and it didn't work. So... Well, maybe she later got impaled. One can only hope. One can only hope that people like that get impaled.

Like, I don't, like, maybe she got a big one in the end. Which happened to my ancestor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ancestor landed on something and it went in their butt. In their glute bag. The Washington Monument.

The old glute bag. Do you, the weather, like, I know the topics on the show have gotten so just banal going from what's in your wallet to what's the weather. This has been really exciting. But it has been so like the worst kind of rain that makes you just not want to do anything. But also, like, when I hear people in Vancouver complain about weather in the winter, I'm just like, just shut up.

Seriously. You have no idea. Well, where are you from? Edmonton. Oh, I'm sorry. But no, I was in Saskatchewan last week. Oh, I'm sorry. This works for every point.

It really does, yeah. You're going to die penniless and alone. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. I mean yeah. You're going to die penniless and alone. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm on my way to penniless. That's a true... Oh, no, just a curse. Yeah, yeah. But thank God you guys are like,

it's raining, it's six degrees. What am I going to do? Stay inside. That's what. Yeah, stay inside. This is the time of year you stay inside and you read screens. No books. Books are done. That's what. Yeah, stay inside. This is the time of year you stay inside and you read screens. No books.

Books are done. You read screens. That's like some good lingo, like some kind of hip slang. We reading screens in here. I was just like cleaning my house the other day and I just popped into my head. I'm like, I'd like to coin a term. Oh, well, you just did. Yeah.

Reading screens. Look at me achieving goals. Yeah. So now, but now you have to set another goal. All right. I'm going to set a goal to make money moves. More money moves. There you go. And you're moving. So you've already achieved that goal. So exciting. Lordy, lordy. Do we

want to move on to a little bit of a business? Sure. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house.

You got to do some more. Take care of business. Time for some business. And this week, we got a couple of Jumbotrons. If you want to post a Jumbotron on our show, by post one I mean write it and we'll read it. Yeah. Go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.

This one is from Jennifer to Sean. And the message is very short and sweet. It's, ever since we met, I've been the happiest I can remember. And short and sweet it's uh ever since we met I've been the happiest I can remember and that's how it's spelled I'm not just throwing in my classic accent you're the Nathaniel to my Brenda

I love you yeah and that's from a work of fiction that we all know and love yeah with the Nathaniel and Brenda thing. Nat and Brenda. Mm-hmm. In the mornings.

So that's cool. That's cool. It's nice that you are in love. I mean, I hope that it goes both ways, you know? Did you also say the part about I love you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, Sean, I love you. Yeah. Yeah, Sean, I love you yeah yeah yeah okay yeah for sure yeah sean sean i love you yeah um yeah sean i love you okay so this next one is for future slash present matt from present slash past matt hey bud how you doing in my time you're frustrated by being over educated and underemployed, but hang in there. Maybe it has worked out already. You just finished a novel first draft, which is a very novel first draft. Yeah, yes. And you just proposed to Kelsey,

and she just said yes. So you've got that going for you. Keep your chin up. The Spy Boys and I believe in you. Well, off I go. Yeah, you know, that's nice to send your uh a future self uh a message yeah you know things are things are bound to you know the blue skies are going to clear up no way blue skies are going to clear up gray skies are gonna come on uh yeah so i think that's a good way to send some

money our way send yourself a a message. Yeah, yeah. Put on a chappy face. My favorite movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It always makes you chappy. Oh, no. Here come... Here come the oil squirts. What are the guys...

What are the rappers called? Oh, no. D-D-D- The Ant Word? Yeah. Uh-oh. Here comes D-D-D- The Ant Word with their signature raps

uh let's move on to overheard yeah mark hey buddy oh hey what's up man um so i'm at this mafia restaurant what i'm gonna go in and ask these guys what they think the best pasta shape is. Mark, they're probably eating. I have a hunch that it's probably ravioli. But, I mean, you know what? That's a good idea. Whatever they're eating, I'll just take a look in their bowls and see what they have. There's supposed to be a big meeting there today.

Can you see it from the street? That sounds really dangerous. I'm just going to go inside and ask. Don't bother them. They're probably eating, you know. Look, I'm not threatened by them. How about we tell them what the best pasta is on our podcast? got this with mark and hal oh that's a great idea thank god tuesdays at nine on maximumfund.org hey i love that show

overheard a segment in which we hear things or see things. And I can't stress enough that seeing things is also part of this. And believing things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And believing things. And we always like to start with the guests. Kathleen? I was like really trying to think of it.

And I went for breakfast this morning by myself so I could try and overhear something. Yeah, smart. That's a good maneuver. But they were kind of boring. I think the only thing I can think of is I was at Winners. morning by myself so i could try and overhear something yeah smart that's a good maneuver but they were kind of boring i think the only thing i can think of is i was at winners and there was like a um a mother with a like a son uh who wanted to purchase this lip gloss and like the mom was totally cool with that it was but she was like you don't need another lip gloss you have you got 12 lip gloss for Christmas.

And he goes, but I didn't get purple. And how am I supposed to be fabulous? Like this, like he was eight, maybe this fabulous little boy. That's the cutest thing ever. Purple was the,

it was the last color needed to complete the fabulous. He was going to do just a little bit of each color, like a nice rainbow, nice rainbow lip. That is very a little bit of each color, like a nice rainbow. Nice rainbow lip. That is very hard with children of being like, you got so much of this thing for Christmas. Yeah, but I didn't get this. I mean, I do that.

All the time. Well, you were a kid in your past life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave? Mine is an overseen, which counts. Yeah, that's right. yeah yeah yeah um uh Dave mine is an overseen which counts yeah that's right it absolutely counts

it absolutely counts there is nothing we've we've we haven't done all the sentences we haven't had an over smelt nope oh lord

or an over dealt that's one of the sentences have you done an over felt? yeah yeah sure yeah maybe um you know that's one of the senses have you done an over felt? yeah yeah I sure have yeah maybe um you know

over the bra under the shirt that kind of thing um mine is an overseen have you seen this company I think I just see their trucks around town

they're a linen service company called K-Bro K-Bro really? yeah but it's not like it's not meant like in that way it's just the letters kbro there's no like you know yeah someone keep pointing finger guns at you it's just like a blue and white kbro yeah bro and they had a uh we were driving behind them this truck truck, and it was really dirty.

And someone had written in the dirt, you too, man. That was pretty good. That's cute. I like it. Okay, bro. Yeah, I think like maybe their big facility is down in that industrial. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In like between Maine and Canby. Yeah, it's all like, it's all casting agents, weird internet companies, and then this giant laundry facility. And reality show companies. Oh, yeah. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, K-Bro.

K-Bro. Mine is... What's your... Are there other local companies that you love the name of? For me, it's Wang on Blinds. Yeah, Wang on Blinds is pretty good. There's one called Schindler's Elevators

that I thought would be funny as Schindler's Lifts. But they really dropped the ball on that. But they're called Schindler's Elevators? I've seen it, like Schindler's Elevator Repair. I don't know if it's here, but it was in Edmonton. There's a scent of a sandwich on Main Street. And I always thought that was good because it obviously opened during the time when Scent

of a Woman was popular. And they just were like, yeah, people will get this. People like the sandwich smell. Do they have like a hot pastrami called the Hooah? The hot pastrami. Very good. My overseen. Oh, I don't think that counts no no no it never counted

um i saw a guy make a real crazy uh traffic maneuver i was walking up the street and i saw him uh he was in the far left lane and he cut off a bunch of people. And then he was on the far right lane. And then he turned on his hazards. So I was like, oh, something must have. He must have, like, dropped something or something fucked up must have happened. And as I walked by, he was eating ramen with chopsticks. What? So.

But he suddenly was eating ramen. Yeah, he was suddenly eating ramen with chopsticks. Oh, my ramen's ready. That's so weird. I've never seen anything like it. Like he pulled over to the side of the room, turned on his hazards. He probably has like a little ramen maker in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ding! Oh, shit! Well, you know, if you leave ramen too long, it gets too soggy. The noodles will get too soggy. So he probably like had a timer. And it was probably like, okay, this is the last,

this is where I have my noodles are perfect. Yeah. I remember. I don't have anywhere to be. I can just pull over to the side of the road. When you, I never really like, we always had the kind of plastic.

Bag. Yeah. Whatever the, the ramen in sort of a brick. Yeah. Brick of ramen. Yeah. And.

Justin Timberlake's hair. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, but some kids would bring to school the cup of noodle. Oh, yeah. That you'd go over to wherever they had like hot tea. Yeah.

The boiling water dispenser and fill it up. But I just, and they would have to stand there, like seal it back up and wait for it to cook. That's right. I would never have the patience for that. You just put the water in the bag. Yeah. Melt it all over me. There was a girl that was like.

My dad actually poured hot water on my legs trying to make ramen out of my leg hair. There was a girl that was popular in school and she started the trend of eating your ramen noodles raw. Yeah. She's like, it's so good. And then everyone was, and I'm like, this is okay. Where do you think that she's a trendsetter elsewhere now? Is she like, no,

I think she is a mom. Social media influencer? I don't think she's an influencer, no. She's influencing those kids. Yeah, she's influencing her children. But,

you know what? Then that's the greatest influence of all. And she'll tell that story to the kids, you know, in my day. I kind of started a trend at my school, eating ramen raw. It kind of tastes like popcorn.

Yeah. And her robot kids will be like, we eat batteries. Why does she have robot kids? She's from the future. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah, if you're going to ascend into Jumbotron talking to future self, spice it up a bit. Yeah, yeah.

Spice it up a bit. Make some predictions. Yeah. Don't make it so a bit. Yeah, yeah. Spice it up a bit. Make some predictions. Yeah. Don't make it so heartwarming. Hey, future Dave, chin up. Don't worry. The robots are going to like...

Do your job for you. Yeah, they're going to... That's not a good thing. I think it is. I think the robots are going to come and you're going to be able to buy a robot to go to work for you. Yeah, but then when are you going to get the...

Oh, so you're going to... The robot's's gonna bring home a paycheck yeah but like give it to you artistic people are gonna be fine like there's not gonna be a stand-up comedian robot not soon not soon but there was a you know but also like the first stand-up comedian robot who's like kind of bad it's gonna be pretty funny to watch yeah and also you know like people will put out fake Coachella lineups. Yeah. There was one that was done by an AI, and it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

So I was like, oh, they're already good at memes. Oh, no. They're coming for us. They're coming for us. I got to look up this AI Coachella thing. Oh, some of them are really, really great. I'll wait for you to find it. No, I misspelled it.

No, I think it's trying to get me to book an air coach. Flown by a robot. I'm just going to Google it and look at it later. There doesn't seem to be an upside to this robot thing but uh you know they're gonna do it anyways so what are the upsides uh i mean some people are gonna get very rich yes the robot owners are if you watch futurama it doesn't look so bad but like it does because isn't it i'm not scared of robots you're not i'm way more scared of humans than i am of robots but humans make the robots i don't think i'll be scared of robots that make robots yeah i figure those robots will be really

on the level well they'll probably just kill us all i can't understand what they would need us around for or you know yeah i mean the like i guess no robots don't need our organs unless they need to like take our skin off because like human skin just is the perfect. Yeah, they got to look real. Yeah. Oh, sure. Like so we're just used in farms or whatnot. Not us.

We're too old for that. Yeah. No, nobody's going to want that. Your children and your children's children. Yeah, you're right. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people around the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it to spy at maximum fun.org uh this first one comes uh from uh alice i like don't know how to pronounce it's a l y s oh alice uh londoner living in cardiff ah um so this was on New Year's Eve, and there's a family playing kind of a-

Oh, wait, let me say that again. Say where she's from. Cardiff. Oh, I'm sorry. You're the worst. You know that's what Londoners say. But anyways, at some point during the evening, my mother and I were required to explain the Oedipus complex to a kid. We went through the story explaining that Oedipus unwittingly married his own mother and was so appalled when he found out that he promptly blinded himself.

My nephew's somewhat worrying response was, why? Wasn't his mother pretty? Cute. Cute. Cute. Cutest interpretation of the Oedip Cute. Cutest interpretation of the edifice. Cutest interpretation of incest. Yeah.

Does he kill his dad, too? I think so, yeah. Is that unwittingly as well? I don't know. I don't know how wittingly it was. He unwittingly, I don't know, marries his mom, but then. How do you unwittingly marry your mom? Maybe he was blind to begin with.

Oh, yeah. Maybe that's the moral of the story. I don't know. Marries his mom, but then. How do you unwittingly marry your mom? Maybe he was blind to begin with. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's the moral of the story. I don't know. I don't know that I ever knew the story of Oedipus except from Frasier. I never heard of that before. It's complex. this next one comes from Colin in Portland Oregon passed by a window that had red and pink Valentine's Day hearts in the window with words like love you

and you are special and the one in the very middle said keep trying that's adorable Valentine's Day if I owned like a store on Valentine's Day I'd just have a sale on vodka and razor blades for fun. Right? That would be fun. What? Do they go together? Yeah, on Valentine's Day they do.

For some people. Vodka and razor blades. That's a pretty cool name for a store. I didn't know you could do over scenes. Oh, do you want to start again? Well, I'll erase everything. Let's start all over again. Oh, you know what? You can't do over scenes. Oh, do you want to start again? Well, I'll erase everything. Let's start all over again. Oh, you know what?

You can't do over scenes. And you'll never be back. If I had a store on Valentine's Day, I'd call it scent of a sandwich. And you'd hire Al Pacino. And we'd sell vodka and razor blades. And no sandwiches. Yeah, well, you'd bring your own sandwich, you'd dip it in vodka and cut it with a razor blade. Yeah, well, you bring your own sandwich and dip it in vodka and cut it with razor blades.

It's just the scent of a sandwich. It's just different colognes and perfume. Oh, yeah. It would be hilarious if you just come in and have a whiff

of this sandwich and leave. Oh, yeah. It would be great for a diet. Yeah, it's like the new trendy diet. Just smell things and starve yourself.

Works so good. Just smell things and starve yourself. Works so good. Just wear like tasty lip gloss. And then like suck on an ice cube. A popsicle just made of water. This last one comes from Ethan D. In Northern Vermont. I work in a middle school and yesterday the kids were playing a Jeopardy-style game, and the category was holidays. The answer was a candelabra that holds nine candles, which are all lit one at a time each night of Hanukkah.

The correct question, of course, was, what is a menorah? Most of the class got it correct, but I heard one boy mutter to himself, I thought it was a didgeridoo. That's pretty good. That's really good. What is a didgeridoo? It's a big horn. Yeah. No, I know that. But like, what's a didgeridoo with you these days? Oh, no.

God. He's a dad. He's allowed to do those type of things. What do you mean? That's as good as Clute Bag. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also

want to know what's a goblin. So, wait. Time right now to play the What's a Goblin theme song. What? What is a Goblin theme song. What? Wow!

That is the What is a Goblin theme from Rob R. Great. Bring the vocals up a bit in the mix. Yeah, but really, really good. I like that, yeah. Yeah, Surf Shack. Lots of fun. Uh-huh. So we've been talking in the last few weeks.

Everyone knows what a ghost is. Yeah. It's a sheet. It's a dead sheet. Yeah, it's a dead sheet with chains. Yeah. What is a goblin? The thing that pops into my head, I don't know what it's from,

but I remember this green guy with a toque surfing. Thank you. That is perfect. I don't know where that's coming from. Green guy with a toque surfing is as good an answer as any. That is perfect. And I would like to thank you for being here on the final What is a Goblin? No, I think maybe we'll close it out next week.

If you would like to call us with your overheard, our phone number is yeah, we're back to overheards now. It's 1-844-779-7631. That's 1- spypod1 like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham, and

probably very cool guest. I almost called you a vest. This is Rio calling from Toronto with an overseen. I was on the streetcar, and a small child was talking to her friends, then she stopped talking, took out a massive chapstick, and started jamming it against her teeth. And then when I looked at her, she just stared at me, didn't make eye contact, rubbed it all over her face,

then in her neck. And then when her friend asked if she could have some, she laughed and said, no, no, this is my chapstick. And then she put it back in her mouth. Pretty great. This is a chapstick heavy. Yeah. Maybe she had a rugby game. And just greased it up.

Mashing a chapstick into your teeth even though it sounds gross would probably be very satisfying you know the feeling the feeling i feel like there's probably a like a youtube fetish about that oh yeah someone who does who just mashes chapstick you know like even just like somebody that made the chapstick go as far out as it would go and then just biting it off. Right? It does sound very satisfying. Like the idea of seeing those tooth marks in the chapstick?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You guys are weird. Why? We didn't invent it. It's just out there. We just dream about it. It's a kink. It's a kink.

Everyone's got a kink and some of them discover it into a microphone. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and amazing guest. This is Arta calling in with an overheard from Minneapolis. So I was out to dinner with my husband the other night, and he ordered a really large sandwich. And sort of halfway through eating the sandwich, I could tell that he was kind of slowing down.

So I looked over and I said, wow, do you think you're going to finish that? And he kind of sighed and said, I don't know. I think my eyes might be too big for my face. Her husband's dumb. Also a sandwich for dinner. Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, a bold, bold maneuver. I think there was a time. What's wrong with sandwiches for dinner? right yeah yeah I mean bold maneuver I think there was a time what's wrong with sandwiches for dinner I feel like nothing's wrong with it but I feel like I haven't done it

since I was younger yeah yeah it's a young man's game yeah yeah besides spilling hot oil on my feet my dad would always when he was supposed

to make dinner it would be soup and sandwiches from Mike McGee that's all he'd ever make yeah I made some. No, it was lunch. I was like, yeah, I made some grilled cheese the other day.

No, that was lunch. Or he'd sometimes make breakfast for dinner, which I thought was like breaking all the rules. Oh, that is real. And I was like, oh my God, we're having pancakes for dinner? Is that allowed? It feels like it shouldn't be allowed. It feels naughty. Yeah, but sandwiches work their way into breakfast pretty seamlessly. Is that loud? It feels like it shouldn't be loud. It feels naughty. Yeah.

But, you know, sandwiches work their way into breakfast pretty seamlessly. Breakfast sandwiches. I'm a fan of the breakfast sandwich. I'm trying to be keto. I say that after I ate toast this morning. What are the major tenets of keto? No carbohydrates. And a lot of bacon and meat, which is fine. Yeah.

But like, I think I've, I'm not doing it right. Cause I was just going to McDonald's and buy a sandwich and throw out the bun. Right. But I mean. And then you'll buy another bun and put that on. But I was eating a breakfast sandwich and I was ordering two and I was in Saskatoon with my friend and she goes, why do you order two? Why don't you just order one with an extra sausage patty? So the sausage patties are the bun around the

egg. It sounds disgusting, but I've lost five pounds in like a week. So if I. So what you're saying is sausage and an egg. Cheese. It's all about fats. Like you are supposed to, it's a high fat diet.

If you're worried about 10 pin bowling ruining your manicure, but you're like eating a bunless egg sandwich. That's going to ruin my manicure. These are acrylic, but these will snap off in the end of the tent pole. I mean, it just seems like a real grease finger. That's why I sometimes use a fork and knife. I take it home.

Oh, la, la. Come on, come here, Ray. Have you ever had, now that there are like food delivery services, have you used any of them? Yeah. Oh, really? A lot. I just

worry that it'll be like cold by the time it gets there. Well, like is your pizza cold when it gets there? No, but your pizza comes in a special pizza. Yeah, they have these insulated bags that they bring with them. But not every food is like transportable. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, I've used it. If you get a McDonald's, you have to have a McDonald's within moments. I've never done the that's true. I mean, I've used it. If you get a McDonald's, you have to have a McDonald's within moments. I've never done the McDonald's delivery. Okay. I was talking,

do you have Fatima Dorey? Has she been on this? Yes. So she and I were talking last night at a show and she's like, Uber Eats is here and all of January

is only 18 cents to get McDonald's delivery. And she's like, I ordered it. It was amazing. 18 cents? Yeah. Just for January though. Oh. But I'm like, my whole thing is I'll amazing. 18 cents? Yeah. Just for January, though.

But I'm like, my whole thing is I'll go to McDonald's and it gets me to get up and get out of bed and go to McDonald's. If I can just like stay in bed and get McDonald's, that's really dangerous. While your robot goes out and does a set for you. It's horrible. I'll become one of those people in that, what's that movie with that little robot where they float around in chairs? Wale? Yeah. Wale. Wale? Yeah. Wale.

Wale. That's me. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm dying to. Here's your final overheard. Baby. Hello, Dave. Hello, Graham. Hello, guest.

This is Cal from Seattle. I'm the younger brother of Luke with the gay dog story. Oh, wow. And I have an overheard work at a school and I just walked past some students who were sitting quietly in the library and one of them turned to her friends and asked, Hey,

do you guys have any good small talk topics? That's a real life thing. Yeah. You know, what are some good small talk topics? The weather. Was that little girl trying to start a conversation about small talk? Yeah.

What do you guys want to small talk about? She'd be a terrible podcast host. Yeah. Yes. You got to be good at small talk. I don't know. I think we go a little deeper. Yeah. This is a big talk podcast. I don't know. I think we go a little deeper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a big talk podcast. I'm just saying other podcasts. Oh, Shane. There are others. There are? Yeah, you're not the only one. What? Is that who's been

stealing our audience for 10 years? I love it. Yeah, I like, I think when I was a kid, I realized that there were topics that adults just talked about with other adults that weren't that were just like because i would see my dad like talk to somebody about the weather and i was like why is he doing that yeah and then then just slowly as you become an adult you're like you're like oh yeah i don't really want to talk to this person

but i'm supposed to yeah do you know what else always bothered me as a child when we'd go out for lunch with my mom's friends or something and they would fight over who would pay

like I remember just sitting there thinking well I'll just take you both pay and I'll just take half of it

why are you guys fighting over this the thing that adults fight over it was so weird to me I'm like My mom always talks about How we have no money

Then why does she Want to pay for this You say that at the table But mom We don't have any money Mom you said We didn't have any money You were going to give me

A spoon with peanut butter For dinner Yeah what's going on I thought we were Having a free lunch On your best friend Cheryl You know the one That you talk to About the weather And what not Yeah butter for dinner. Yeah, what's going on? I thought we were having a free lunch on your best friend Cheryl. You know, the one that you talk to

about the weather and whatnot. The one that you call a slut before. You know, Mom. What's a slut? It's like a green guy with a toque that

surfs over. Oh, totally. What's a slut goblin, then? Oh, boy. I don't know. Somebody who hangs ten? Sure. These are great questions.

They'll be answered in next week's episode. No, no. Kathleen, do you have anything that you would like to plug? This being the end of the podcast. Okay. I just have a word. I mean, I'm going to be... When is this coming out?

The 5th of February Okay so I will be at Calgary Yuck Yucks the last weekend of February Oh I'm sorry And Edmonton Yuck Yucks the first weekend of February

Sorry I'm sorry But I did something this week that I have to say that people have to be careful of I've been trying to do this thing on Wednesdays where I

like big up of a woman that I like you know I've been trying to do this thing on Wednesdays where I, like, big up of a woman that I like. You know, I'm like trying to like promote cool women in my life. Yeah.

And this week, I promoted. My mom's friend Cheryl, who's a slut. Total slut. I can't wait to have her as my woman of the week or whatever.

I just wanted to do it to like make my friend, like, I don't know. I don't know why I went. Anyway, I chose Nikki Payne as my woman that I like. She inspires me. I don't know why I went. Anyway, I chose Nikki Payne as my woman that I like.

She inspires me. She inspired me when I started comedy. Yeah, comedian. And she's an amazing human being. And so I wrote this really nice thing about her and how she was awesome to me the first year I lived in Toronto. And she invited me over for Christmas because I couldn't go home. And she's just an amazing person. I am riveted to know where this leads.

Yeah, I want to know where this is going. As a plug. Yeah. A bunch of people thought that I was memorializing her. And they thought that she was dead. I am riveted to know where this leads yeah I want to know where this is going as a plug yeah a bunch of people thought that I was memorializing her and they thought that she was dead

I was just trying and even so my friend my friend comments and she said something like oh my god I thought you were saying that she was dead

thank god she's still alive and then Nikki commented under that and she goes me too but like I was just like I was just trying to be nice

like we can't I think it'd be nice to be saying the things that you're gonna say yeah that people think that they're dead like what's wrong

what's happening to us but I and it wasn't in the past tense there was nothing saying she was this way it's all she is

like this but just be careful what you say on there because a bunch of people thought Nikki Payne was dead yesterday and I apologize Nikki I was just trying to be nice what you say on there. Cause a bunch of people thought Nikki Payne was dead yesterday. And I apologize, Nikki.

I was just trying to be nice. Give you a little tribute. You do this every Wednesday, every Wednesday. I just promote a woman that inspires me on Facebook and Instagram. I'm like, there's this artist in new Orleans. I love named Ashley Longshore.

Who's she died. She died. My best friend dead. But no, it's just like I just want to like women are always accused of being catty bitches

to each other and I would just like to not that's what your mom said about you I know but that's why my mom's not getting mentioned

time's up time's up is that what that pin means I think it must be I mean women are always accusing people of time's up Time's up Is that what that pin means? I think it must be I mean women are always Accusing people of Time's up I can make that joke

How come? I'm a feminist Oh I understand That's why your shirt says This is what a feminist looks like And the shirt kills fascists It says a lot of things Yeah

It's one of those 90s It's got slogans all over it It's also got It's like Japanese So says a lot of things. Yeah. It's one of those 90s, it's got slogans all over it. It's also got, it's like Japanese, so the English is a little off. Like hot dog maneuver, what? What does that even mean? So many good band names have come up in this, like Slut Goblin, Hot Dog Maneuver. Slut Goblin is a good, that is a really good band name. Yeah.

Slut Goblin. And you folks out there, you fine folks out there, if you want to engage with the podcast. Well, first of all, we have a live show coming up. Oh, absolutely. On March 8th at the Biltmore Cabaret here in Vancouver. It's called a cabaret, but we won't be. For yourself. Dressing in little bowler hats.

I'm going to wear a bowler hat. I'm going to be. He's going to fussy it up. I'm going to draw a line down the middle half it's gonna be half a guy half a lady and i'm gonna say uh i don't know islands in the stream so or some sort of duet uh don't go breaking my heart i'll be sure um uh baby when you're gone yes yes perfect yeah i'll be in half a denim outfit and half a sporty outfit. That took me a second

because I couldn't think of the song. But yeah, you can follow us on Twitter at Stop Podcasting. You can go on Oh, the tickets for that show, if they're

still available, are at jflnorthwest.com. And you know what? Thanks a lot for listening. If you like the show, please tell your friends

to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.