Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 520 - Emily Heller

Episode Date: March 5, 2018

Comedian Emily Heller joins us to talk pen pals, a brush with the law, and a hockey game. Plus, we count down our top 5 crackers.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 520 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who would give Elon Musk a run for his money, Mr. Dave Shumka. I would like some of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like is that what it's like I would challenge him to a run for his money?

Like a fun run for his money. Yeah, sure. But a short one. I'm not like a an endurance guy i i think i could beat elon musk in a sprint if there was a billion dollars on the line does he have a billion dollars or is he just like a mover and shaker i i don't know i know that he you know he maybe has a billion in assets yeah and some of those assets are not on this planet and back those assets up, I want to say.

But what I really want to say is this is episode 520. Yes. I looked at the calendar. This is our 10th anniversary. Oh! Hi, congratulations. Happy anniversary. I love you. Back at you.

Our guest today on this most celebratory of times, a comedian, writer, actor, and has writing on a show. Did you say that stuff about Elon Musk? Because I'm wearing a Henley shirt and that's what he wears. No, I just had Musk on the mind. Okay, sorry. You're in the middle of an intro. Yes.

The show she's a writer on called Barry premieres on HBO. Is it because of my hair plug? On March 25th, it's Emily Heller is our guest. Hi. Hello. Happy anniversary. Hi. Thank you.

Sorry I didn't warn you. Or you. Yeah. Well, you know what? It's fun. I should have remembered. You should have. That's true.

This is on me. Yeah. You know what? It's fine. It's fine. I did bring you. You should have. That's true. This is on me. Yeah. You know what? It's fine. It's fine. I did bring you a very big present. That's true. And you know what?

Too expensive. Yeah. But, you know, we appreciate it. I'm doing very well. Oh, good. Congratulations. Congratulations. Should we get to know us?

Yeah. Get to know us. Emily, how's it going tell us spin us a yarn tell us what's what's going on with me oh boy uh i'll tell you right now second i've been on tour for about a year this is the second time on tour that my toilet has exploded at my house while I've been out of town. So we know you didn't do it. I didn't do it. Or I laid the seeds for this to happen before I left. And what a crop. I know. Who's back at the house? My boyfriend is at the house harvesting. It's a bad situation.

So I'm feeling good. I don't have to be there smelling it. Yeah, and like, we're working together at the club in town. Yeah. You were kind of going back and forth and finding out piecemeal what was going on. Yeah, and just feeling powerless and angry at my landlord. But here's a weird thing. I posted on, do you guys have the website Nextdoor?

It's a social network for like neighbors. No, I don't know. For neighborhood things. You register based on your neighborhood. You don't have to like, you don't become friends with anyone on there. You just post in your neighborhood. Like you can post recommendations and things like that. And like, you know, like. You don't become friends with anyone. It's just post in your neighborhood like you can post recommendations and things like that and like you know like it's you don't become friends with anyone it's like real life well yeah it's like you don't have to like have any official connections

to anyone it's just like you see things based on where you live okay and uh so people will post about like lost dogs or stuff or they'll be like what's that loud noise you know it's a lot of people being really mad too about like stuff happening it's people mad about noise most of the time i want i think i need this kind of why don't we have amazing but uh i posted something being like hey this is a tenant's rights question do i uh is it okay that my landlord is just hiring an unlicensed handyman to fix my toilet again after he didn't do it right the last time? And the first person who responded was like, here's a website for tenants rights info and there's a hotline you can call. And I was like, oh, this is really helpful. And I went to hit the thank button.

And then before I did, I realized the person who responded was Devin Farachi. Who was the former director of the Alamo Drafthouse, recently ousted for sexual assault allegations. Aha. And I'm like, what do I do with this? This is fucking weird. I've got this other app that keeps track of who's been outed for sexual assault. Yeah.

I've got a real hot spot right here. I mean, it was a helpful link, but it's not enough. Yeah. But he doesn't put him back in the good books. Yeah, he's going to want something in return. Oh, God. I did just check. It's on the website. It says, sign up

and we'll tell you when it becomes available in Canada. Welcome to my world. That's a... Is this the first time you've ever posted on this app? I'm trying to think. I've posted on it before every so often. If I do see someone I know posting about something that's like inane neighborhood stuff, I'll just be like, hey, Nick.

Just to let them know that I saw it, you know. But I don't think I've posted other stuff before. I've like looked on it. And every so often someone will be like, my car got broken into. Anyone else? And then 10 other people who live on that block will be like,

yeah, me too. Oh, right. That's like a thing that happens in my neighborhood sometimes, but. Yeah. Would you, if that was a problem?

Would I break into 10 cars? Yeah. How many cars would you break into? I've done none. So far. But I feel like I don't,

I would get so scared. Yeah. If you're so scared the horn would go off. Yeah. I'm already scared when I would get so scared. Yeah. If he's so scared, the horn would go off. I'm already scared when I just get into my car illegally. Yeah. Because half the time I set it off. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, that's, I guess, what's going on with me right now. Yeah. There's toilet trouble. This is how I'm staying in touch with Los Angeles, just via next door. Right. Yeah.

And, like, was there a cleaner person brought in or? Someone came, I guess, today and, you know. Was it an unlicensed cleaner? Yeah, it was an unlicensed fucking. I'm so mad about this. I'm like, is it bad? My landlord doesn't listen to this podcast. Yeah, he does.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. This is actually weirdly veers into a lot of landlord stuff. Yeah. Okay. All right. What kind of lease did you sign?

If it's like a landlord-specific podcast, there's no way she listens to it because she is not interested in being a landlord. I don't know what she's interested in. Shame on me for saying he. Yeah. Wow. That was, you know, women can be bad at their jobs, too. And I think it's time we talked about that. Yeah, I had a landlord like that the last place I lived at.

You could just say a woman. A landlord like that. You know, with those parts. Who loved cashing the checks, but that was it. Like, didn't even like coming to get the checks. Just loved cashing the checks but that was yeah the it like didn't even like coming to get the checks just loved oh yeah cashing the checks yeah oh boy was she sour when she showed up to pick up that check oh brother maybe we should have arranged a drop-off situation so that she wouldn't have to come and pick up sure or some kind of visitation yeah i pay mine via the internet. Oh, that's very now. It is.

It's very hip and very, she never has to come to the house, but I want her to because there's problems. Yeah. Was it like the last time you saw her, like when you moved in kind of thing? Yeah, I think so. Wow. You see her every time the toilet explodes. Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm never there.

It's never when I'm in town. So what do you think's going on while you're out of town? I think my boyfriend might just be lying about this happening ever. Oh, it's never happened? No, it's definitely happened because I'm on the group text with my landlord and him. But yeah, I don't know what's going on. Well, we just figured out. So like we live in the front house and someone lives in the back house.

And that guy is a real piece of work. And someone lives in the draft house. But not anymore. That'd be funny if that guy popped up and he said, actually, while I have you here, I'm supposed to go door to door and tell people. Well, that was the thing. I had that moment. I was like, oh, right. He wasn't actually convicted of anything.

He stepped down. But still. Nixon maneuver. Yeah. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. But we found out that our plumbing might be connected to the back house. And so yet another thing that might be that guy's fault, in addition to blocking our parking space and just putting electrical trash in the yard waste bin.

Oh, yeah. I was talking to you about this. Electrical trash in the yard waste bin. Oh, my God. I'll never be okay with this being

my living situation. We're moving out as soon as possible. What do you mean by electrical trash? Like a big metal fan. Okay. Also, okay.

Because if it's wires, sometimes they look like grass and that would, I understand why that would be in the yard. Hon, okay. Because if it's wires, sometimes they look like grass and that would, I understand why that would be in the yard. Honest mistake. Nope. He has no respect for what that bin is for. And apparently, so we started

we have all of these because it's just us in the front house and him in the back house. And so it's not, we don't have the protection of like living in an apartment building where we could complain to the landlord and he wouldn't know where it was coming from. You know what I mean? It's just us and he hates us because we've already complained to the landlord

about him. It took a year and a half. We put up with a lot of stuff. He plays music really loud. He revs his motorcycle in the middle of the night. He's a real... He throws axes at the garage. He's a real monster. axes at the garage he's a real monster um how's his aim is he hitting the garage with these axes are they just going what's craziest like there's a garage it's like just like a wooden shack basically and the left half is ours

and the right half is his and the left half is like white painted pristine. And then his half is just like destroyed because it's wood. And he's been throwing axes at it for years. Now, does he have multiple axes or is he going back and get the same axe? He has multiple axes. Now, he's got to have multiple. Every so often when we go there, they're just still in the door. And like part of it has just like disintegrated. And we heard him talking to one of his dumb friends the other day and being like, yeah, I don't think they painted this right.

It's kind of falling apart. And it's like you're throwing axes at it. Axes are made for chopping wood. Yeah, they didn't put on any kind of primer or whatever. Any kind of sort of like axe resistant paint on this. Some kind of axe body spray. It's like wax-resistant paint on this. Some kind of wax body spray. Anyway, so we have all these workarounds for trying to deal with this guy.

And so one of the things that we did, so we have two black garbage cans, one blue recycling can, and one green yard waste bin. Can you put food in the yard waste bin? Yes. Okay. And I do. And, you know, our gardeners. Can you put a pizza box in there? No.

And you can't put that in the recycling either. That just goes in the trash. Becauseers can you put a pizza box in there no you and you can't put that in the recycling either that just goes in the trash here here you can put a pizza bar yeah you guys have real compost and stuff yeah that's the dream all i do is i order a pizza and then i just fill it with weeks worth of banana peels you don't want your neighbors to know how many bananas you eat. Well, and you don't want anyone to slip on them. No, that's right. Absolutely. But so what we started doing is we started to discourage him from using the yard waste bin or the recycling, which frankly, he just puts garbage in also. So I started. He really spreads his garbage around this guy.

He's been putting garbage in the toilet. I think we've solved it. Yeah. So what we do is I put one garbage on one end and then another garbage on the other end. So that like, because my theory is he's using whatever's closest. So as long as there's a garbage can that's closest, that's what he'll use. And then I put the recycling in the middle and then the yardway spin, we point in the other direction so that you can't easily lift the lid up and use it you're using like raccoon kind of logic yeah really it's kind of the only thing but here's the thing here's where he defeated me this weekend is my boyfriend

texted me to tell me that so because we turn the yardway spin around, that means the handle is pointed backward, and he apparently just grabbed the whole thing and dragged it up to his house so that he could unload trash directly from his car into it. And so, it backfired big time.

The car? This guy's got a car and a motorcycle? Oh, yeah. I think it's John Stamos. I think it's Mickey Rooney. Rourke. Damn it.

Every time. I think you're right. It's Mickey Rooney. The late Mickey Rooney. Oh, wow. Would you be at all surprised if your toilet backed up and an axe came out? Oh, my God. I would be surprised if the axe made it all the way there. Yeah.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was some of his trash. If he was just trying to flush trash down the toilet. I mean, why not? Right. Have you never seen in this place? In his place? Yeah.

Have you? No, I can kind of see, actually, I have seen inside of it a few times because i very frequently have to knock on his door to tell him to move his car so that i can get mine out oh you don't just peer through the axle no also one time i had to knock on his door because um i came home and there was a hose that was like in front of his house that was just on, but spraying like 20 feet in the air.

And just like there was a leak in the hose. It was just spraying 20 feet in the air. And it was landing like on his house and on like the garage. And I was just like, and I could tell from the water that had pooled in the driveway that it had been running for an hour. And so I, and it's like you know 1 30 in the afternoon i knock on his door and by the way he does not have plants um yeah and so i knocked on his door he answered and i was like hey I just wanted to make sure you knew that your hose was on. And he doesn't even say anything to me at all.

He just turned toward the inside of his house and goes, babe, it was the hose. So he knew there was a sound happening, and he did not investigate. Our water pressure doesn't seem to be working anymore. It was a sound happening and he did not investigate. Our water pressure doesn't seem to be working anymore. It was a mystery they were interested in the resolution of, but not enough to open the door. Our neighbors, who I think are detectives,

have cracked this case. And he didn't say thanks. He didn't say anything to me at all. I just, yeah. This babe, does she live with him? She lives with him, yeah. Okay. But you don't seem to be complaining about her.

Because women can be bad roommates, too. Women can be bad tenants, for sure. I mean, it's a really messed up situation. Like, I think she left him for a while. And, like, we saw boxes of her stuff in the driveway. And every so often I'll see her, like, pacing up and down the driveway smoking like she can't believe where how she's trapped right um but i know they both do a lot of drugs so i think there's like a weird sort of dependent relationship happening but uh yeah the other night i guess like a couple months ago uh in the middle of the night she was

banging on the door screaming to be let in so And saying she had to go to the bathroom. Just use the hose, babe. Yeah. Just act your way in. Yeah. So I don't know, honestly, what's going on with them, but yeah. And their names are? Don't say that.

I can't. He is a minor celebrity, though. Oh, really? Yeah. You'll tell us off the air. Yeah. I'll tell you off the air. And I got to say, is this bad bad i'm rooting for him to die uh i think he's the worst person i've ever met okay um and he's kind of like

a trump supporter and like does a bunch of drugs and has a lot of guns and so i was telling graham this last night it feels like a metaphor for what's happening in America right now that I have this just like shitty white guy living in my backyard who's ruining all my social services. And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't get him out. I can't get him evicted. It would take years, you know, and in that four or so. Yeah. And he would retaliate.

And yeah, so. and in that four or so yeah and he would retaliate and yeah so and they'd never you know the landlord he's lived there longer than we have

he'd go to the tenancy board and he flashes those you know minor celebrity baby blues and yeah yeah is it Frank Sinatra Jr.?

you mean Ronan Farrow? maybe that would be great if Ronan Farrow? Maybe. That would be great. If Ronan Farrow was a secret. If Ronan Farrow was like a jerk at their job, that would make me sad. And how long has this all been going on? How long have you lived at this house?

We've lived there two years. But you're getting out. And we're getting out, yeah. We're buying a house, so. Nice. Knock on wood, everything goes good with that. We'll be out in a couple months. So it's kind of like, do we do anything about this, or do we just sort of.

No, you ride that. You start putting stuff down the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send it back. We'll meet you in the middle. Like one of those, like, old-timey, like, tube machines at one of those like old, you know, like business offices where you put it in the thing and it goes to another. I just watched the post and they have one of those. Yeah.

I was like, oh, right. Those things. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. I have never. Have you ever worked in an office? Yeah, I did.

When I lived in San Francisco, I worked at a startup for a few years. But they didn't have. They didn't have a tube. I don't think they've had those since I was alive. No, I know. But like there's a building downtown my friend works in and there's still remnants of the tube system. Like by the elevators, there's all these tubes that go up. Oh, cool.

Yeah. No, I've never. I don't know if they still do this, but sometimes you'll stay in an old hotel and by the elevators, they'll have a place to put your mail. Yeah. Yeah. By the elevator, like no matter what floor you're on, the mail will just go down to wherever they send out mail from. Just into the garbage chute, probably. They just trash it.

Did you get the postcard I sent you from the hotel? Well, there's always, isn't there's always pens and there's always stationary in a hotel. I guess that used to be a thing. That used to be the thing because you couldn't just call people all the time. Yeah. Yeah. I was like. I try to send, I send my nephew postcards when I'm on tour.

That's fine. I try to. Yeah. So then I'm always like, can you mail this? And then I was like, yeah. Yeah, we can do that. And then it usually gets there a month later yeah the guy just looks around um i don't know who to add who's the oldest guy

um getting but like getting a non-bill or whatever kind of mail is still like a oh yeah it's a nice thing yeah do you do you get any kind of that mail ever uh was that a good sentence i mean it's a real good i order things from j crew if that's where you're asking i've tried to elon musk over here spending the bank i've tried to start like i'll have a friend in another city and then we'll decide that we're going to be pen pals and I think we do it twice and then that's it yeah yeah it's very because you like in the meantime you text them yes exactly so I have one pen pal uh who I've had for nine years but it's because she is incarcerated oh wow and so we can't text or email uh so this is it we

write each other maybe like three or four times a year is this somebody that you knew pre no i signed up for one of those like programs where you can like get a pen pal i was afraid to ask yeah no i mean you know if you know someone who goes to jail you should also write to them but you absolutely should yeah unless they did bad stuff to you well i guess it depends that guy took the rap for me i should send i should send him a note and see how the least you could do uh yeah but yeah so i get letters from her and it's like always exciting what is it what is she what's her life like bad it's really bad to be in prison in america i don't know what it's like here. I think it's bad everywhere.

Yeah, no, it's bad. Yeah, it's very bad. It definitely helps me keep my stuff in perspective. Like there's fun characters. There's a Russian lady. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, yeah, yeah.

That is a documentary. Yeah, I worked with a guy who had spent time in prison like as a younger man and he it was weird he's the only guy I've ever heard say that he he was like it was fine like he seemed really so it was like either how bad was his life how bad was yeah prison or how lucky did he get yeah did he just end up in like, or is he just like, doesn't want to get into it with you? I mean, that's also,

yeah. So what is answer to everything? It's fine. Graham, just leave me alone. What are these letters like? Um, we just like,

I tell her, you know, what's going on. No. What are her letters? Her letters. She also tells me what's going on with like her family and stuff that's going on in there.

She has health problems she talks about sometimes. And she'll respond like point by point to stuff I say in my letter too. That's how I used to write emails. Yeah. Like, here are the things you mentioned. Here are my answers. Yeah. Why did we stop doing that?

Because we can now, because everyone has emails that they can check all the time. So you don't need to write paragraphs to people. That's true. But it was like, I don't know, a little bit of a fancier time. It was. You cut and paste each question. And then the answer. Yeah.

But you still do that? You're still in the. In touch, yeah. And how much is she in for life? No, she's not. But she's got some time left for sure. Wow. Yeah.

Do you think is there ever any chance that you would ever meet? Meet in person? I don't know. That's like a tricky question. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Is she in your part of the world?

No. Well, she's in America, but she's in a different state. Okay. But, you know, I travel a lot with my job. I guess. Oh, what do you do? I'm a different state. But, you know, I travel a lot with my job. I could. Oh, what do you do? I'm a mailman. Great answer.

Great answer. That would be the best if mailmen had to travel. Just on the road. State to state. Someone gives me a letter. I go wherever the address is. You're the postman. Yeah.

Like that movie, The Postman. That was actually based on me. Oh, really? Yeah. It's weird. Il Postino? What was the Kevin Costner one? The Postman.

The Postman. Il Postino was also The Postman? Yeah, but that was a love story. That was just like how Italian people made fun of that Kevin Costner movie. Il Postino over here. The Postman always rings twice. Is that a steamy movie? Maybe. Maybe in the days that it came out, it was steamy.

And The Post is just America's Treasures on screen. Yes. The Post is not steamy at all. No. There's no smooching in that movie. None? No. I don't think so.

I don't think so. Yeah. I would know. It's No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Yeah. I would know. It's the movie I've seen this year. Yeah, we watched that very recently. So, is this, you're buying a place? Yeah. Should I not talk about that?

Does that make me sound out of touch? What do you mean? I don't know. Out of touch? I don't want to jinx it, too, because things could still go wrong. Okay. We were going to buy a house, and then we backed out of touch what do you mean i don't know i don't want to jinx it too because it's you know things could still go wrong okay we we were gonna buy a house and then we backed out of it uh and this is the second one that we're buying and how do you back i don't know i don't know from buying houses so i don't know how you back out so like when you buy when you buy a house at least in california i don't know if this is true everywhere else. Like, a lot of times your offer will have contingencies in it.

So you'll be like, I'm buying this house, but only if, like, we get to inspect it and we also get, we need to find out that the bank will give us

a real loan and we need to find out. Only if I win the lottery. Yeah. And I have to have a psychic come through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And,

but so, and then, there's like a month after, like, they accept your offer to win, it, yeah. And metal detector, I guess. There's like a month after they accept your offer till when it's yours. And that's called escrow, my friends. You hear people say escrow? I do. That's what they're talking about.

I'm in escrow right now on a house, which means I'm in the period of time in between when my offer was accepted and when I get the keys. So in that... Oh, that's escrow. I'm learning a lot about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. all of this could be wrong but uh

we backed it out of the last house we were buying because like we got they're supposed to give you a bunch of disclosures too about like here's some work i did like here's some things you need to know about the house here's a copy of disclosure sorry demi-pour yeah i've personally had some work done can you tell it was scratched scratched. That DVD was very scratched. And that just seemed like a red flag to me. No, I mean, there was like a bunch of stuff wrong with the house when we got the inspections done, which was like, okay, we can maybe live with that. But then very late in the game, they gave us a disclosure that the living room, which had been converted from a garage, was an illegal conversion. Right.

And so if the city found out about it, they might make us turn it back into a garage. And then we just wouldn't have a living room anymore. One of these walls moves up. Yeah. Well, yeah, there was like a door that would open up to the outside. And it was cool because it was like,

oh, wow, open living room. But no one can see it. Because then they'll know it was supposed to be a garage. Well, I mean that's the thing yeah it's like and we were like well so what are the chances

that the city would find out about it and everyone who stood to make money on us buying the house was like they're not gonna find out and then everyone

who was impartial was like they'll find out immediately and they'll definitely make you change it so we were like I don't want a house with no living room

right that is what makes you seem out of touch. Yeah. I know. I'm such a diva. The next generation, they don't care about living rooms. They care about the story. Yeah.

It's a hammock generation. Generation hammock. Why not? Yeah. I like that a lot. They're not into beds. They're not into conventional beds. This episode is sponsored by Casper.

Yeah, it's the whole world. The whole world of real estate. I don't get it. But I also think that I could handle it. You kind of look like you could handle it. You look like you'd fix something. Yeah, I look like I'd fix something. These baby soft hands tell another story.

Yeah. Well, we weren't going to buy a house, but then this guy we live next to is such a nightmare that we genuinely were like, we need to get. We were like, we can't live here anymore. And the thought of moving into another rental in LA where it's like we would definitely it's just the rent keeps going up and up right and the thought of like moving again yeah i was like i just don't want i'm just don't want to move anymore yeah yeah like uh you've moved to like yeah many times since moving to la well i've just moved a lot in my i realized when i moved into not this house but the place i lived before that that i had lived in like 10 different places over the last 10 years wow like i'd move a lot

i moved a lot in college and then like after that i moved a bunch and so it's just like i'm just kind of tired of it how many with your boyfriend how many what places have you lived just one oh we moved in together into this house before that we were so there's no like you don't know if you've you've never let he's you've never lived in a place together with an impartial toilet yeah you know he's not breaking well we have separate bathrooms too so who knows what's going on? Johnny Cash said it was the key to a successful relationship. Yeah. Well, we'll find out when we move into this other place.

Like, is the problem us? We don't know. So if so. But one of the bathrooms used to be a garage. It's like an open bathroom. Yeah. It's more of just sort of like, yeah, a cave that we throw bags of our shit into. But the house comes with unlimited shit bags

they say it's a lifetime supply but i don't think they know how many times a day i shit so i don't know where they got that number from uh the tenancy board yeah yeah uh well it was in the disclosures yeah I'm I'm I'm similar in that I've moved like so

so so many times and to the point where like I've just stopped like keeping stuff like because I just don't want to move it

yeah like if somebody's like you should get a shelf and I'm like or I could just leave it in the box just leave it in the box for the next move I'm the opposite because I'm like I'm going to a shelf. And I'm like, or I could just leave it in the box. Just leave it in the box for the next move. I'm the opposite because I'm like, I'm going to move a lot, but I keep it all.

And then when I move, I'll find something that I haven't touched since the last time I moved. And I'm like, oh, you fucking idiot. Why don't I have this still? This doesn't spark joy. How many cookie jars do I own for God's sake? Well, yeah, I like definitely was like a very you know not a transient person but I didn't ever really settle I would always just buy like the cheapest Ikea option for the furniture I would just not put any effort into I mean I would put effort but I like wouldn't

invest in the places I was living and then when I moved to LA for the first time ever I got like a studio apartment that I lived in alone and so it was like no one lived there. I wasn't moving into an apartment that someone else already lived in. It was like I signed a lease. I lived there alone. I bought everything just for myself. I had a real job writing for a TV show for the first time. And I was like, I am going to make a nice home for myself. And it really made me realize, oh, I like that. i'm done with moving around with just like not having a i'm like i want to change the address on my driver's

license like i want to have you know what i mean like i do know what you mean because mine is from two addresses ago yeah i mean mine is now too too. It's from that studio. Like, I didn't change it when my boyfriend and I moved into this house. I think you should, you know how they have garbage cans and yard trimmings cans

and recycling? They really should have a separate Ikea throwaway furniture. Just throwing away, yeah. Well, just a big couch-shaped garbage can.

I think that's called Craigslist. And you list something for free and ten people email you immediately. But they always, from my friend's experience with the free section, they always email with questions. It's not like, where can I pick this up? It's like, does it have this

on it? Yeah, and you're like, it's free. Yeah, like you're gonna take it or not. We and you're like it's free yeah like you're gonna take it or not we'll also get like very often you know nothing against people for whom english is their second language but sometimes it means their emails sound very demanding they'll just be like give it to me now like and i'll be like i don't think you mean it like that but also I don't know maybe you are a jerk you were the first to email me yeah fair is fair can you be here between three and five yeah fuck you I will that was rude um Dave what's going on with you couple things. I had a brush with the law a couple weeks ago.

I guess last week. It was where I live. There's a couple. Well, how long ago will it be when this comes out? Yeah, you're right. A couple weeks ago. It's important. It was in my neighborhood.

There's a couple of streets where people used to cut through because there's a place you can't turn left. So people will cut through these other streets. And so they made it illegal to turn left between three and six on weekdays. It used to be all day. You couldn't do it. No, it used to be you could park. You could turn left anytime, I assume. And so they put up these things.

No turning between three and left. Three and left. No left turns between three and six. Everyone was like, I don't know what the fuck that means. I'm just going to drive into a tree. A lot of accidents on that corner. And so I, but I do it all the time. I make this turn because it's not for me.

This sign is not for me. This sign is for people who cut through because they don't live here. I live here. I need to go where that is. And so I made this turn, left turn, on a Saturday when it is legal. Yeah. And so I make the turn and sirens flashing behind me. And I get pulled over and he says, you know, I give him my license and he says,

you made a left turn between three and six. I said, it's Saturday though. And he said, oh, really? And then he looked at my address. Do you still live at this address? Yeah. You'd know better than me. What?

So that was like the... Oh, Canada. Wow. All of my encounters with the police are like textbooks on white privilege. Yeah. Holy hell. Well, that happened to me one time where I got pulled over by a cop and they were like, do you know why I pulled you over?

And I was like, no. And he was like, you turned left illegally there. And I was like I was like, no. And he was like, you turned left illegally there. And I was like, I turned right there. And he was like, Oh, sorry. It was my left.

He was just like pulling people over for that all day. Apparently. And he like, didn't even, he didn't follow me. He was just already sitting there and he like waved me down to pull over. Wow. It was really weird.

I do like the, uh, the like in both stories, they do like the, the, like, in both stories, they were both like, oh, I guess,

yeah. Yeah, I guess I'm wrong. Wow. Yeah, you know, just because I'm a police officer doesn't mean that I'm wrong. That's right.

I mean, you know, I got, authority's a tricky thing. I can admit when I'm wrong and I'm wrong. Yeah. And,

but I just, have a great day. I will, like, because he was just sitting there and I'm wrong. Yeah. And, but I just have a great day. I will like, cause he was just sitting there and I wonder if he had been successful, like pulling people over earlier. Right. And then he's like, Oh my God,

it's Saturday. All these, these tickets I gave out. They're all void. Yeah. Does he lose money on that? Yeah. He does a 50,

50 deal. You can do straight up or you can do a 50-50 deal. Well, I know they have quotas sometimes. Oh, yeah.

But like, yeah, a lot of their tickets are just an escrow until they're free. And the other thing that's happening with me is Graham and I,

you're like here at the most Canadian time of an episode ever. It's the snow on the ground. Snow on the ground. And Graham and I went to a hockey game. Oh yeah? Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

Yeah, who was playing? It was Vancouver and Colorado. And Vancouver did not fare well. They fared fine. Until they lost. Is hockey good? Yeah, hockey good. is hockey good? yeah hockey good

hockey good hockey fine we were sitting in the cologne section oh man oh boy there was a

who these guys you think because it's relatively open air compared to other sort of it's not like a movie theater. But these guys, they came in kind of, I think it was their wives that were sitting kind of like one row ahead of us. And then there was a bunch of empty seats.

And then they came in and kind of were holding the babies and stuff. Yeah, passing the babies around. Yeah. And then they disappeared for quite a long stretch. The intermission and then some. And then they came back. They all had, like, as many drinks, I guess, as you're legally allowed to carry at a hockey game. And each, like, a meal.

Like, they came back with so much stuff. And then they disappeared for the entire. Rest of the game? The rest of the game. But when they reappeared, it smelled like they had been in a cologne fight. Do you think they were smoking it? Like, leaving and then coming back smelling like something?

It's usually because you're smoking something. Oh, I thought you meant are they smoking cologne? Well, yeah, I'm like, are they smoking cologne? Because why else... Oh, maybe a cologne to cover, yeah. I'm like, are they smoking cologne? Because why else? Oh, maybe a cologne to cover it up. Cover up whatever. See, you thought that smarter than me. You did a smarter thing. No, I don't know where you could smoke anything in the arena.

It's all smoke-free. Yeah. Even the outside little. You can't go outside. Oh, you can't go outside. You used to be able to. If anyone here knows, please write in. Write in.

A letter. No emails. Postcard, if you can. From a hotel able to get it. If anyone here knows, please write in. Write in. A letter. No emails. Postcard, if you can. From a hotel. Hand deliver it. And yeah, mostly we spent the night watching the Jumbotron. Did you get on it at all? No.

Did you have a plan for if you did? No. No. I would probably dab, you know, just to... That's a good plan. Yeah, yeah know, just to bury in. That's a good plan. Yeah, yeah. People would lose their minds.

They'd be super excited about that, I think. That's true. It's like a kiss cam is a lot of fun. Yeah. And also they'll just do like random where people are dancing to, what was the song? Not Sweet Caroline, but. Don't Stop Believing? Don't Stop Believing.

Oh, wow. They played that and then like people were lip syncing to it. That's the most fun part. Yeah. And they do little contests in between, I guess when the game's gone to commercial. And everyone won every contest. Really?

No losing. Unlike the game. Right. Wow. And everyone seemed pretty ambivalent about winning. That was the best part. What kind of contests were they?

Games of skill or chance? 50-50. Some of them were like, we'll show you six pictures and you've got to tell me which two match. So it was like people that they brought out of the stands? Yeah. And one guy won

250 bucks and it was like, do you want to keep the 250 bucks or do you want to let it ride? And he let it ride and he won 500 and he was like, okay, good. Yeah, this is good. And she's like, aren't you excited? And he's like, yeah, yeah, I guess so. And they're like, the only reason we do this is for you to freak

out people to be into it. There's no, if you don't act excited they're going to stop only reason we do this is for you to freak out people to be into it. There's no, if you don't act excited, they're going to stop doing that kind of stuff. And one guy after he won, he was like, uh, and I just want to say happy birthday.

And they cut him off. Yeah. Yeah. It was great. But yeah, that is like the, if, if you ever get invited to a hockey or or a similar thing that's mostly what you're there to see is the jumbotron and like the goings on i feel

like i when i lived in san francisco i used to go to baseball games kind of not a lot but like a few times a year and they kind of had a jumbotron but I don't think it was like at a hockey game. No. And like also baseball, you're like there to get drunk. Yeah. You're just there. Well, for me, it was just sort of like to wait to stop being so high that I was scared of everything. Oh, watching a baseball game. I never, never thought of that. Oh, man.

It would be so slow. So slow. So slow. So slow. I, there were like long stretches where I forgot that there was baseball happening. Why have I got this glove on my hand? Why do I keep smoking and then coming back reeking of cologne? Yeah. But it is, it's fun.

Fun way to spend an evening. Oh, yeah. I like going to a place where it's okay for you to scream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And like, especially because you're so scared because you're so high. Yeah. And there was a couple that was the row

in front of us and the guy really kind of looked like a caveman with a baseball hat on. And his girlfriend, they were rooting for the opposing team. Yeah. She liked us and he liked them. Yeah.

And he was being a real jag about it when they won. Yeah. And every time they scored. Yeah. Wow. Like, I don't know how much of it was play, acting. No, that was very real. It's like they definitely broke up after.

Or had the best sex of their life. Yeah. Hockey sex is the best. But yeah, just like he was really, it was really in her face about a thing. She had no. Yeah, she was very in her face about a thing that she had no. Yeah, she was very polite when we were ahead. That's right.

That's right. She wasn't up screaming in his face. But I do feel that like if you're in a building with 18,000 people who are all wearing the other jersey, then you really have to amp it up. Oh, yeah. And she was definitely rooting for. She was wearing our jersey. Okay. And if I recall, her hair was also team colors.

Oh, was it? Yeah, green and blue. Wow. Green-eyed hair. Did you guys dress up? Yeah. I dressed up as a pork chop. We dressed up as each other.

Yeah. He was a pork chop and I was a hungry dog. He put us on the kiss cam so he might have actually been like a banana peel but he just looked

like a pork chop to you that's true he might have just been himself and I had the nachos thanks for asking yeah

they're very good and a mini donut which really the mini donuts really that cinnamon just goes everywhere it's just yeah yeah so that was all that was all over my belly regular sized donut mess I had a mini donut, which really, the mini donuts, really, that cinnamon just goes everywhere. It's just, yeah.

Yeah. So that was all over my belly. Regular size donut mess. Yeah. That should be their slogan. Yeah. Mini donut, but super size mess. Yeah.

I don't think about when I get a dozen mini donuts, I don't think about, oh, I'm probably eating like three regular donuts right now. Probably more because like the surface area is greater, so there's more sugar. Yeah. And more fried parts. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I don't, I mean.

More oil permeation probably. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. How often would you say that you eat a mini donut? I don't do that ever. Never? That's not a, is that like a really commonplace thing over here? You know what?

It is. It is actually. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that's a. That's one of our like, you know, fair, summer fair foods. Yeah. Yeah.

Like a go-to kind of, what would be your go-to kind of summer fair junk food? Your funnel kicker? Your big funnel kicker? See, I'm a savory person in general. Okay. But like, yeah, I mean, a funnel cake is probably more common. Potato tornado? Potato tornado, yeah.

Or just like cheese fries or like curly fries or like onion rings or like fried zucchini or like, you know. Fried zucchini? Yeah. That sounds all right. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a fried zucchini. But also, I don't know what

sort of situation are we talking about? Like a county fair or a hockey game? Because I don't go to either. You didn't. Like a baseball game? Probably nachos. I'm probably with you on the nachos. I got 10 tickets to 10 games.

Well, I guess two tickets to 10 games. I got 20 tickets. But I can only go to 10 games. Well, I guess two tickets to 10 games. I got 20 tickets. But I can only go to 10 games. I can't just go by myself 20 times. The tickets are in escrow, and I don't understand how it works. You're like, what if I decide to be lonely? Can I go to more hockey? Which would be great.

My goal at the beginning of the year was to eat 10 feet of hot dogs. That's not, oh, so like a foot long in every game. 10 foot long, yeah. Yeah. But if you get behind, the last game's going to be real rough. I'm way behind now. I had a foot long in the first game and maybe have had another one since. Can we talk about how that's like a bad goal?

Like it's not only unambitious, but it's also like even like if you fail or if you succeed, that's bad. But like if I fail, it's healthier. It's healthy, but it's still it's like, man, that was your goal and you still didn't do it. What kind of, like... The problem was I discovered the nachos.

Okay. I think I prefer the nachos. So change your goal to just have a good time at the hockey game. The goal is gone. I have not been keeping track of the goal. Maybe I'm at two and a half. I just got really paranoid all of a sudden that my neighbor listens to this podcast.

I doubt it. Yeah. We'll show you our numbers. Can you give me like very high tech statistics for my zip code? Maybe. Yeah, we can. Sure. He probably doesn't.

Probably. No. I don't think he listens to things. He watches TV. I know that. And he listens to music very loud. Yeah, right. And he probably puts things in his carburetor if he has, you know, stuff like that.

Do you ever hear him blasting reply all? No, I don't. He listens to the sound of a hose outside. And he doesn't know what it is. So that's me. You know, got into it with a cop and then went to a hockey. Pretty good. With you.

We never go together. Yeah. So that's, you know, I went to a hockey as well. What was that like? It was great. Were you guys like, which one of us gets to talk about as well. What was that like? It was great. I, you guys, were you guys like, which one of us gets to talk about this on the podcast? No,

we didn't. We should have because yeah, I've got like five other things I could talk. Oh no. I, I have a, do I have, yeah,

I got things. Sure. I got things. I've been around. Um, here come the lies. Oh boy. Yeah.

So I got a tattoo. I'm not going to show you guys. Uh, you can use your imagination. Um, I, uh, one. So I got a tattoo. I'm not going to show you guys. But you can use your imagination. One thing is I went to, there's a drugstore around the corner from where I live. And Valentine's Day was last week. So drugstores, that's, I mean, this is my time to shine. Post-Valentine's Day.

Candy deals. Yeah, yeah. Candy deals. Woo. And they, like, I don't think they sold anything this year because there is so much candy on sale. Yeah. It's because everyone finally saw that movie Down with Love with Ewan McGregor. That is it.

Yeah. That's been trending on Twitter. And so I was like, and really good deals too. Like really good. I got a couple really good deals too like really good I got a couple good deals too yeah like we're talking

you know we're starting at 50 but you're you're nut free nut free in since 1993 yeah

are you like allergic I am man ooh good I'm glad you told me because I've got a lot of nuts in my bag that's okay I wasn't going to rummage

through your bag. Okay. Well, now not. Yeah. So there's, what's available to you? Well, there's. Cinnamon hearts. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't go for cinnamon hearts, but there's just like a lot of stuff that's packaged as Valentine's Day. That's just regular candy. Yeah. Like, you know, like jelly beans. Like Valentine's M&M's. Exactly. And so, you know, I don't. Like Valentine's M&M's. Exactly. And so, you know, I don't care that they're all

one color. That's fine. Yeah. They're all red M&M's. That's fine. I don't care. They all come out the same color.

Red. Oh, God. Yeah. What did I... Oh, that's right. Six packs of red M&M's. Sometimes it's green and that's also a trouble.

Well, the green one's the sexy one. That's true. And then, so I was like rummaging through, looking for and then I reached back and I found a Christmas candy that was back there, so I'm like, I'm throwing that in the mix as well.

Oh, hell yeah. Getting real stale with it. The guy at the counter was so excited when he was ringing through the candy and then he saw the Christmas thing and he's like, get ready. You're about

to have the best deal you've ever had on candy. What was it? 15 cents. Whoa. Yeah. For what? For this huge chocolate

with like crushed candy cane in it. Oh, it's like a giant candy cane? No, it's like a chocolate with like crushed candy cane bits in it.

What's the shape of it though? What's the brand? Just a chocolate bar shape. Oh, just like a big chocolate bar. Was there a brand of it or was it just generic chocolate? It was just peppermint chocolate.

Wow. And yeah, he was so excited. And then when it came up 15 cents, we both were kind of like, yay! And then how long did it take you to go through that candy? You know, I'd say three to four days. Really mowed through it. I have a bit of the peppermint candy left.

I don't get a discount on a box of Rice Krispies that has, you know, Cars 2 stuff on it. You probably should, though. Cars 3 is out. That's true

and anything that you'll be able to know that like a couple months from now anything with Olympic stuff on it oh yeah yeah um

yeah but I definitely like uh I this is it there's no more candy deals I guess after Easter I don't get any discount on

Tom Petty brand cereal. Tom Petty brand cereal? Yeah. Brand cereal. And then the other thing was I did this. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh no, more about this candy? Because I went to a drugstore the other day And I saw they were putting out

Easter candy And in my mind I'm like Oh, it's so fresh They haven't even put price tags on it And I was like, I wonder if this is on special Yeah At the drugstore near my place It will be

But then I turned around and there was all the All the Valentine's stuff. Yeah. But then after April, that's it. That's it. There's no more candy. Why are there no holidays for salty snacks? Oh, thank you.

What holidays do we eat salty snacks for? I mean, I get that there's turkey for, well, I guess American Thanksgiving. I don't know what the fuck you guys do over here. A hockey stick. A hockey stick. A hockey stick, yeah. A hockey stick made out of deer jerky. But I, yeah, I'm just like, I'm not a candy person. Right.

Yeah, I guess they're like, do nachos go on sale after Cinco de Mayo? Yeah. No, they don't. They're already very affordable. yeah no they don't they're already very affordable yeah what would what would you like to buy at a great discount in the savory category oh do they make seasonal any like it's not even a discount there's nothing seasonal that yeah we get it at discount other than seasonal seasonal chips yeah yeah which is weird it's weird there should be some kind of you should be in the fall you should be able to buy like barbecue chips for cheap because you're not having barbecues anymore

so and you know they use real barbecues to make those yeah i mean here in canada you're not legally allowed to call them barbecue chips unless they are served in a barbecue uh anyway big government yeah yeah yeah yeah but you know that's the way we like it up here yeah uh is there a pretzel holiday uh october fest sure yeah they should go on sale in november yeah well i guess that's like also like kind of a hot dog one yeah that's true but still yeah we don't get discounts on any of that stuff i like i'm saying that like a member of a protected group well what would be the ideal thing to receive as a food gift on like a valentine's day oh yeah well what would you for me uh i like those uh like sort of like uh savory rice crackers that are like, you know, Asian, like, you know. Like shrimp flavored?

Not the shrimp flavored ones. Those other ones that are sort of like coated in soy sauce. Oh, yeah, yeah. I like those. But shaped like a heart. Yeah, heart shaped ones. Yeah, why not? Yeah.

Hey, that's a good idea. Yeah. And then the Halloween pumpkin shaped ones. Yes. St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. Hey, that's a good idea. Yeah. And then the Halloween pumpkin-shaped ones. Yes. St. Patrick's Day. Yeah. Some kind of good cracker. I don't know.

I'm not, I don't have. Top five crackers. Top five crackers. Oh, okay. So yeah, rice crackers, number one. Okay. Those specific ones. Those specific ones.

Number two. Take your time on this one. Number two. This is in at number two. This is a real count up. I hope I can name five crackers. We definitely can. Wheat thins. Wheat thins, sure.

Pretty good. Number three, Triscuit. Oh, really? At number three? Do you like the square or the triangle? I don't really get what the triangle's for. Dippin'? I don't know either what the triangle's for. Dippin'? I don't know either, but I prefer it.

Really? Yeah. Too much. It's less cracker. The geometry bothers me of it. Uh-huh. Because there's a cross-hatching happening on the square one, and you're like, this makes sense. You know what I mean?

This is part of a quilt. Right. The triangle, you're just sort of like, there's different angles of the... The angles? Yeah. Yeah. Number four, you know, the angles of the. The angles? Yeah. Yeah. Number four, you know what? People are going to challenge me on this.

And if you do, you're anti-Semitic. Matzah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just throwing it in there because you can't fight me on it. Matzah's like a very big cracker. Yeah, it's bad. It's not good. You just want to fight.

I just don't remember that many crackers. And then, you know what? Number five, those ones that have like sandwich. They're like, oh, wait, Ritz. Ritz. Ritz, but like Ritz with cheese in the middle. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that good? Yeah, that's good. Is this content? Ritz are up there for me. Because they are even a little bit sweet. Yeah. They don't even, You don't taste sweet, but you're like, oh, that was sweet. Yeah, it's buttery. Yeah. Am I hungry? Yeah. I feel like if I were hungry, I'd be able to name more crackers. Yeah. What are your guys' top

five? Alright. Gotta be Ritz. Yeah. Do you have stoned wheat thins in America? Yeah. I like those. Those are just wheat thins, right? You can snap them in half. They have a little... Oh, those ones.

Perforation down the middle. Yeah. And put a little cheese slice in the middle. I like the ones that are shaped like Swiss cheese. Oh, we don't have those. Oh, really? They're great. Oh, I forgot goldfish.

Fuck. Yeah, that was good too. You guys can have one of those. Goldfish doesn't make my list. Really? No. Okay. No.

And then the top two? Yeah. Oh, you were going backwards. No, I don't know. I'm also just trying to name some too. Melba Toast, and you can fight me on it. And bagel chips. That's really offensive.

Because those are bad. And they're chips, and they're not crackers. But they're not chips. They're also not chips. They're not... And they're not bagels. What are they? I mean... Am I right?

You know what? They're disruptors. That's what they are. Now we've all been waiting for you, Graham. Your top five crackers of 2018. Of 2018. Yeah. Specifically.

Olympic crackers. Let's see if there's any change from last year. Yeah. Korean Olympic limited edition crackers. Yeah. You know what? I like a premium plus. Just the saltine. Saltine. Yeah. You know what? I like a premium plus. Just the saltine.

Saltine. Yeah. You know, of course, Ritz, Goldfish, and let's round that off with a vegetable thin. Oh. Vegetable thin.

What about animal crackers? They're cookies. They're cookies. Yeah. And don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Because if you can't put it in soup,

then it's not a cracker. That's a good rule. Yeah. I would put bagel chips in soup. Mm-hmm. So, cracker? Yeah. I guess they could put matzah in soup,

but what kind of soup? Man, someone's going to crack this one day. Who's the hoes? Babe matzah ball soup. Who's the hoes? Do you want to move on to overheard how about some business oh sure some business that's what that was okay life can be fun don't get carried away you gotta do the things you don't want to do to get through the day you gotta shine your shoes you gotta sweep the floor you gotta clean your house you gotta do some more floor, you gotta clean your house, you gotta do some more.

Take care of business. Business, baby. This week, it's all about the crute. The crute? You gotta love the crute, ZipRecruiter. Now, are you hiring? Yeah. Dave, are you hiring?

I just used ZipRecruiter, and they sent me a free hire. Oh, cool. It came in a little box the size of a mini fridge. Yeah. Popped out. It's a little, nice little receptionist guy. And you let him sit there for a couple hours.

He expensed the full receptionist size. Now, Dave, if you were hiring and usually you would post your position. I'm an idiot. I do it. I post my position on so many sites. Yeah, and usually you would post your position. I'm an idiot. I do it. I post my position on so many sites. Yeah, and then you wait.

Then I wait, and then nothing happens. Like a dork. Because I forgot to hit send, and then I, oops, I wrote it down on paper and mailed it to myself. Yeah. Because I really wanted this job posting to stand the test of time, so I wanted to get it registered with the guild. So you're waiting for the right people to see it, right? Yeah, that's what I should do. Yeah.

No, you should go to ZipRecruiter because they've revolutionized hiring. I remember that revolution. They find, yeah, you were there. It was a bunch of HR people, you know, climbing the barricades. Yeah, can you hear the people sing, singing the songs of Angry Men? Look down, look down, the ZipRecruiter thing. All right. ZipRecruiter, it's a technology.

It will learn what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, and invites them to apply to your job. There is a job in a cruder. All right. I'll do all the layman's piece. Yeah, that's really good. Right now, our listeners can try it free at ziprecruiter.com slash stop. That's ziprecruiter.com slash stop.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. They laugh at me, these fellas, just because I am small. Going into a bullseye interview, I know it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's an actual conversation. I don't know where it's headed. Hey, this is the straight talk that you're going to get on this show. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm in therapy.

I think I got more out of you than the therapist I went to twice. Bullseye. Creators you know. Creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. A segment in which we hear things out there in the world,

and we chat about them here on the podcast. And we always like to start with the guest, Emily, if you would. Yeah. Okay. I was on a plane, a very small plane. Like how small? Like 30 seats. Oh, okay.

And so the emergency row only had three seats in it. Oh, wow. And there was a couple, and we were on our way to Telluride because I was doing the comedy festival there. Colorado? Telluride, Colorado. It's like a very, like it's a weird, like small. I'm so mad that they beat us at hockey. Well, they have Olympians who are from Telluride.

Oh, right. There are three Olympians from Telluride, including Gus Kenworthy, who was the skier who had the gay kiss on TV in the Olympics. Oh, they edited that out of ours. Oh, really? Yeah. That makes sense. But they put in three straight kisses. They edited him kissing a woman.

Oh, okay. Yeah, they were worried that our country would become too horny. Yeah. And that we wouldn't be able to perform our functions. Yeah. We noticed that the economic output for February is way down. Could it be that our country's too horny? I mean, they're putting some stuff out.

Talking about jizz. So I was on the plane there. So it's like, oh, it's a weird small town where it's like the locals are like very like, you know, local ski people. And then there's like Oprah has a house there and Ralph Lauren owns a giant ranch and like rich people go there to ski. There's people where it's like they have enough plastic surgery that they look famous, but they're not famous. It was that kind of rich. And on the plane, there was just like in the emergency row, there was this couple. And it was like, I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I overheard what the flight attendant was saying, which was like, I need you to say yes.

I need a verbal yes, which is like she was asking like, and then like a couple minutes later, she was like, you're being very rude to me. Actually. And I'm like, you have to be so rude to a flight attendant before they say that. And I could tell he was like copying it. that and i could tell he was like copying it and i think what was happening was he was like he kept putting stuff in the seat back in the seat of the seat in front of him which i think you're not allowed to do on a plane that small in the emergency row oh i see yeah and she was like telling them that and then he kept being like sure she was she was like i asked you not to do that and he was like yeah and i said sure he was like you't. I need a verbal yes. How about sure?

Yeah. And then, so, I was like, I'm so on this flight attendant side. You guys be nice to flight attendants, because they're dealing with these guys all day. I'm usually just nice to jerks. Okay. Yeah. So, sorry. So, we were supposed to land in Telluride and then there was a snowstorm.

So we got diverted to Montrose. And so then we had to take like an hour and a half van ride from Montrose to Telluride with that guy in the van. And so like we were like asking the van driver like, oh, yeah, like what are some restaurants you like in Telluride? And like and he was like, well, what kind? Like and he was like talking about it i was like what about like the fanciest like what are like the really fancy like good restaurants and he started listing them and then the douchebag who's sitting behind me just kept like turning to his girlfriend being like yep got it yeah because he was confirming that he had already made reservations at those places oh and he was just like proud of himself for knowing about good, you know.

Knowing about Yelp. Yeah. Was it Ralph Lauren? I don't think so. You would know. You would know. Yeah, he's so rugged. So leathery.

Yeah. Yeah. So fringe. I want to look up what he looks like really quick. Can I do that? Yeah. Because I think I might have seen him while I was there. But maybe I'm wrong. He's like a big tanned head and white hair.

There was a guy who looked like that. Wait, no, it wasn't him. Because also no one in town said that they had ever seen him. I didn't talk to everyone in town. Is this your true crime podcast? Yeah. Maybe I did see i saw a guy who had like a similar sort of like tooth whiteness to tan skin ratio slash age but i don't think it might have been tommy hilfiger calvin klein it could have been any of the big american but other people

were like we don't know how he gets in and out of here. Oh. Because he just has like a giant ranch that. Right. It's in on horse. Yeah. That's why he goes on the technical. I saw some of his horses.

Really? Yeah. Because like when you're driving from like Telluride to Montrose, there's like just like a long fence for miles and miles. And they're like, yeah, on the other side of that fence is Ralph Lauren's ranch. And it's then you see the horses. And you're like, those are his horses. They're Polo they're like, yeah, on the other side of that fence is Ralph Lauren's ranch. And then you see the horses. And you're like, those are his horses. They're polo horses.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little tiny guys. And then over there, that's an alligator farm owned by Lacoste. And here's the pumpkins from, pumpkins? Penguins. From Munsingware. Anyway, I'm starting a polo shirt brand that has pumpkins on it so i that's it's me i'm the guy i'm the pumpkin shirt guy yeah march of the pumpkins over here why did you say that so exasperated? This is just kind of my shtick. Like, are you tired of...

No, and people don't usually call me on my exasperatedness. Dave, do you have it over her? Yes, I do. It is actually an overseen and it was just an ad. I saw it in a urinal.

For the woman in the room. They advertise to you at the urinal. There's a little thing. They do that to us too. At your urinal? Oh my god, I wasn't supposed to tell you about those. Yeah, yeah, no. Too late. They're a secret.

That's a lot of fun. Feminals, like it's not urine that comes out. It's feminine. And it really, it was an ad that just perplexed me because there was wordplay in it, but it didn't make any sense if you pronounced it out loud. And it was for recycling, the recycling council. Yeah. And it was a picture of a plastic bottle of hand soap being thrown in a recycling bin. And it said, see you lather. Because it should be see you lather, but that's not how you pronounce that word.

A lather is someone who lathes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That reminds me, when I was in Australia last year, I saw a sign on a garbage can that was to encourage you not to litter, and it said, pitch it, don't ditch it. And I was like, what? Both of those could refer to both of the things you're talking about doing. Ditch it, don't pitch it.

Like, what? You could pitch it, you're talking about doing. Ditch it, don't pitch it. Ditch it, like what? You could pitch it. You could throw it anywhere. Yeah. Anyway, see you later. I'm going to just start using it. Yeah, see you later. Yeah.

Yeah, and also you're not, I mean, I guess that's what you do with it, but that's not what you're throwing out anyway. Also, that's like the least common thing to throw away you need to do that once every four months maybe i buy a little bag well like a method yeah like a little like a pouch a pouch oh it's not a bag it's a pouch it's a pouch sorry don't worry because i was just like if there's only soap and bags now, pretty soon tweens are going to be eating it. Yeah, it's sort of a pouch. It's like what I drink Soylent out of. It's illegal now in Canada.

Soylent? Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean it's illegal? It was legal to have it, sell it here, and now it's... You don't sell it here anymore? No. No, they're illegally selling Soylent.

Yeah. It's supposed to be very bad i've tasted it it's bad uh i lived with a couple of roommates that were like they went all in on it oh my god so their section of the fridge was just like so i make my own my own toilet what do you make it out of just like uh i boiled down a mattress that must have taken a long time that's how they get them in those tiny boxes make it up? I boil down a mattress. That must have taken a long time. That's how they get them in those tiny boxes. Here's the thing. You got a hammock now, you don't need it. It's a hammock culture. I'm a hammock man for a hammock generation.

Hey, Grandpa, we drink our mattress. We drink our mattress and we sleep in the net. I'm going to bed. I'll drink to that. Uh, uh, do you have an overheard?

Yeah. Yeah. It comes from the hockey game. Uh, Oh yeah. You were sitting right next to me and you're like, I just got my overheard. Yeah.

It was a guy very early in the game. Like before, I think just as they were skating around, they do like a little skate before they actually start playing. Uh, it was everyone can play night. It was Everyone Can Play Night. It was the pride, I guess, like encouraging. Pro-am? No, like inclusivity.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So they were wearing rainbow jerseys. Yeah, and there was kind of like a little skate around. Yeah. And then I would just mention that. That has nothing to do with you or her, which I don't know. This guy behind me

started like started kind of yelling blue, right? Because I guess like the colors of the Canucks are blue. Oh, sure. Blue. He started to be like that. It just sounds like boo. Yeah, he says, Blue.

And his wife, very quietly to him, said, It's a little bit early for that. And it really was. He was really, he was starting to do a chant before it was time.

And it sounds like he's booing gay people. Yeah. Oh, that's he's booing gay people. Yeah. No, that's true. That's not good. But that is a weird chant because it's something like when I played soccer when I was a little kid,

people on the sidelines would be like, go green! But that's because they were... Pitch it, pitch it, don't ditch it. Go green.

No, but it was like no one would be like go Dunbar Community Football Soccer Association whatever happened did let's go defense yeah how about it clap clap clap

yeah yeah it was just you could tell this guy he was really he was revving up and he was the guy he was revving up. And he was the guy for the rest of the night who kept saying weird things. He was an overheard machine, really.

Do you have more for later? There was another thing that he said. Save it? Yeah, well, yeah, he'll save it. Yeah, I'm going to, you know what? I'm going to save it. So, listener, write in in a couple couple weeks when Graham forgets this one. Did you guys see the streaker at the Olympics?

Oh, there was an Olympic streaker? Yesterday. Yeah, I saw. I didn't see it live or anything. I saw he was wearing a monkey. So, he was wearing, he climbed onto the ice after men's speed skating. Nice. And he took off his clothes and he was wearing a pink tutu and a monkey penis pouch. Oh.

Like a pouch for his penis that had a monkey. Not a bag. Yeah. A pouch. A pouch that had a monkey face on it. And then he had written on his chest, peace and love. And he had a ponytail. It was Ringo Starr.

Kind of trying to do it. Yeah. And then he ran? He climbed onto the ice. Was he wearing skates? No. He was just wearing sneakers. Ringo Starr. Kind of trying to do it, yeah. And did he run? He ran? He climbed onto the ice. Was he wearing skates? No, he was just wearing sneakers, but then he tried to do some moves

and he fell down a couple times. Oh, he's so cold. I don't know what happened to him, but I really like it. Silver medal. Chipped to North Korea. Yeah, you know what? I can say in my life,

never streaked. Thought about it. Never did. But maybe I didn't hit that hit that mix of alcohol that you would need. Alcohol in 1977. Yeah. You would need to streak. There was a like a streaking thing at my college that was like first rain at UC Santa Cruz, where it's like everyone streaks.

You go on a big run. And I was just thinking of American pie, the naked pile. I am not. Uh, and yeah, it was like a weird time to find out which ones of our RAs had like really big dicks.

When is the best time for that? The fall. Early on in the school year. You don't want to be surprised by that later on. Yeah, that's true. I never did it, though. I was just like,

did I run in that? And I was like, nah, I'd be telling that story a lot more if I did. Right. I was more of a dick observer. Yeah, I had notes to take. Now, we also have overheard

sent in to us from people around the globe. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to us From people around the globe If you want to send one in You can send it in to SPY At maximumfun.org Just give it to your mailman And he'll come here

And give it to us Yeah He'll And then you guys Will get to meet some Real cool mailmen You know what It's been a long time

Since I've met anybody In the postal game Oh My mail Deliverers are always cool Yeah I don't know I don't know I never see My My In the postal game. Oh, my mail deliverers are always cool. Yeah? I don't know.

I don't know. I never see. My, I know someone who used to play ping pong with her mailman. Cool. Because you don't have to deliver the mail at a certain time. You just have to do it all by the end of the day. Oh, so you would just like, oh, bye. So he would just stop on his route and like while he was delivering mail and like stop and play ping pong with her. I thought you were going to say because you don't have to deliver mail to work here, but it helps.

This first one comes from Elise H. from Michigan. I was at our local supermarket near the aisle that holds all things gelatinous, yogurt, jello, pudding, and overheard a girl complaining to her mom about not getting the jello she wanted and she says well fine once i'm 16 i'll be able to drive to the store buy my own jello and eat all the little tide pods that i want oh yeah very on oh wow trend how many people actually ate a tide pod one i mean i ate a lot of them because I just wanted to be in on something. I wanted to be on the ground floor or something. My boyfriend made a good point, which was, how come no one has just made a fake Tide Pod that's edible?

Oh, yeah. So that people would just buy that to make a video of themselves eating it. Yeah. Yeah. So just like, in this version version would it still be gross but edible no no or it would be like something that would be tasty it doesn't matter i don't think it just has to look like yeah like two two colored juices and uh and a custard yeah a marshmallow or some kind of you know you know uh popcorn i don't know it's's not popcorn. No. I reject that.

Like a custard? Like a thing of custard? Well, no, but it's powder in there. Oh, is it? Crumbled up popcorn. You can't really tell. Can you crumble up popcorn? Like put popcorn in a blender. What about a cracker?

Put a cracker in a blender. Popcorn. I think the record will show that Emily already rejected popcorn. Sure, but she wasn't thinking straight. She thought it didn't matter that it was a powder. Elise H. also wants a shout-out to her friend Taylor. No! No, no shout-out.

I take it back. Taylor, you should feel no comfort right now. I should have cut off your mic and cut off your big resident advisor dick. Flippity floppity, that's what I call it. This next one comes from Mike P. in Brooklyn. Walking to the subway and this wonderful piece of graffiti caught my eye. It's been there for about a month and it makes me smile every morning. It's a Nike shoe ad and it says something's in the air and then somebody in very small brackets has

written farts. That's true. It is. Yeah. Correct. That's where they live. Sometimes they live in your butt for a while, but they usually move out. But they get evicted. When they're in your butt, that's called being an escrow. Grandma, tell me where farts come from. Well. They grow up in your butt. An angel makes a wish. This final one comes from Caitlin from right here in Vancouver. I was

on the bus with a friend and the man across from us pulled his phone out of his pocket. As he's pulling out his phone, a condom fell out. And he had no idea. Two stops later, he was about to get off the bus. My friend said, hey, I think you dropped something. He was super flustered and replied,

saving lives. I mean, I guess preventing them from happening. And then he got off the bus. You know what? I gotta go. Oh, man. That's cool. I don't know.

I've never worn one. No, it's... I gotta say don't. It's not good. I don't know. I've never worn one. No, it's... I've got to say don't. It's not good. I'm just kidding. Hey, kids. Don't wear cotton. Yeah.

Do you want to have cool sex? Do you want to feel the breeze on your donger? Yeah, we had this woman come in and speak to our class. She was very graphic. First of all, that's where farts came from. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, the phone number is 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-SPYPOD1. Hi, this is Isabel calling from Montreal with an overseeing. I was getting onto the bus with my boyfriend, and just as the bus doors opened, two loose melons rolled off into the street, and we picked them up for the guy whose melons they were, and for the rest of the bus ride, every time the bus jerked or stopped,

he had to chase his melons around the bus because they were just loose in a bag on the floor, and the bus driver was very angry. Well, off I go. There has to have been another way to control those melons. I can put them down your shirt and do a funny gag.

But I just love like, oh no, here he comes again. This time I'll have him figure it out. Oh no. Oh no, oh, no. Here he comes again. This time I'll have it figured out. Oh, no. No, here they go. And the bus is the perfect place. That does give me an idea for a product for Spencer's Gifts. That's just like a big, like it's like a tote bag,

but it's a bra that you put on over your clothes and then you put your groceries in it when you leave the store and then you walk around with some big lumpy boobs. Yeah, you better trademark that, because that is a good start. It's a bag, but it's a bra you put on over your clothes. Yeah. And then you put whatever groceries in there, and it just creates a hilarious... I thought it would...

I was thinking of just like a carry bag that has... It's like a vest with big pockets. For all your harmonicas. And if you've got two melons on the bus, you put them in there and be like... Hey, everybody. It's like a vest with big pockets. For all your harmonicas. In the front. And if you've got two melons on the bus, you put them in there and be like. Hey, everybody. Are we having fun now? Yeah.

Who's horny now? Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and a cool guest. This is Sarah from Austin, Texas. And I haven't overheard. from Austin, Texas, and I haven't overheard. So I work at a tattoo shop on 6th Street, which is the party street, if y'all don't know.

Wake up. I work till around 2 a.m., and we have this lovely tradition of frat dudes coming in and getting tattoos on their butts around 1 a.m. So tonight that happened, and the guy comes in, and he's like, so I want, like, the Wrangler patch, but, like, on my ass. And all his friends are hooting and hollering, and they fucking love it, and they think it's so funny. And then one of his friends looks at him and is like, bro,

what if you wear, like, Levi's? And the guy just looks up from his paperwork, and he's like, I will never wear any fucking Levi's and the guy just looks up from his paperwork and he's like I will never wear any fucking Levi's anyway so this is a Wrangler ass for life what about Lee?

oh yeah maybe on an off day when you're washing your Wranglers also what do you mean what if then you won't see the tattoo it won't matter unless you you're dating somebody and they really have you pegged as a levi yeah so are we imagining he's getting the the w like back pocket put on his butt yeah okay oh yeah that's what i was picturing yeah me too because they do there's like a like a patch there's like the leather patch but I was thinking, yeah, it's like the embroidered W.

I mean, I would do both. And then also, the leather patch sort of on my belt line. Yeah. If somebody says, is that for George W. Bush? You say, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. Would that be a good tattoo to just get like the stitch marks of an entire pair of pants all the way down your leg?

Oh, yes! Like a button fly, a zipper, like big pockets, all the way down your leg. Oh, yes! Like a button fly, a zipper, like big pockets, pockets all the way, and then inseam all the way. Yeah, maybe some rips. I guess you, yeah, I mean, it depends on what your genital situation is, whether, how much of the detailing you can get done. What is my genital situation? Uh, it's complicated.

Yeah. But like the buttons I mean anyway it would mostly be on your pubis yeah yeah

depends on how high-waisted we're going it's true high-waisted only came really came back for women not for men

yeah oh I got this tattoo while high-waisted jeans were in style and now it's all about hip-huggers. Here's your final overheard.

Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Aaron from Houston calling in with an overseen via Facebook. I work in the grocery business, and I was looking up a rural grocery store, I guess we'll say. And there is one review for this grocery store from November of 2016. And the review is, hello, I am a barefoot activist. I have been told to leave the store because it is the law. No, it is not the law, and you are actually discriminating against me and my cousin. My family is spending lots of money up there.

Sad, but because I do not wear shoes, we are refused service. You are the only place in town that does this. Alright, guys. Have a great one. I mean, the cousin was really the icing on the cake. Me and my barefoot cousin.

Oh, man. I like he's like, I have been to every other business. The shoe store. No, I haven't been in the shoe store. Because why would I? Just to make a return. To buy a present for my wife. Barefoot activist.

Yeah. He's really living his truth. Mm-hmm. And, uh, and it's, you know, no matter how gross that truth is.

Mm-hmm. Um, I mean, it's a good climate for it. I wouldn't do it here. No, I was just, you know,

I mean, where would I do it? On a beach for five minutes. Ooh, too hot. you know, another slacktivist over here. Not like us.

Yeah, that's right. Maybe, you know, I mean, is that, is a barefoot activist, would they show up to a wedding barefoot? Or would they put on those shoes with the toes? Would they be invited to a wedding?

Well, you know how you have to have to invite so-and-so and his cousin. Or it's discrimination. Oh, no. We can't invite you. We're getting married

in this grocery store. Good loophole. Well, that if you had if you get married in a grocery store, what part would you choose for the ceremony and what part for the party? Cracker aisle, baby.

Cracker aisle. Full stop. I think the bulk section is a good reception area because then everybody can have whatever they want. Oh, I think the freezer is a good reception area. Keep everyone awake. Also, I mean, just we cut the cake wherever the cakes are yeah that's true that's where we do the cake bakery sure uh or you know frozen cakes depends on depends on what you want to do um why can't you buy a night can you buy an ice cream cake at the grocery store

hmm i don't know yeah Why can't you buy an ice cream cake at the grocery store? Hmm. I don't know. Colin. And give us a detailed account. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I mean, I would if I could. Why don't you just go to Dairy Queen? Why don't you just buy a cake and ice cream separately and then mush them together?

Yeah. Genius. Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. And Emily, thank you very much for being our guest. Oh, thank you for having me. Anything, you've got your own podcast? Baby Geniuses. What network is that on?

The Maximum Fun Network. Oh, that's ours. Yeah. Wait, you guys are on that now? Oh, boy. We're going to have to leave. Oh, that's ours. Yeah. And, uh, wait, you guys are on that now. Oh boy. We're going to have to leave. Oh no. What do we, no, no. We can win you back.

Yeah. Um, uh, uh, rice crackers. Let's see. What are some things you like? Yes. Just say stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, farts. Working toilets. Nice neighbors. Play it a toilet. Anything else you would like to plug? No. All right.

Yeah, no. Yeah, fine. Follow me online. I'm at Mr. Emily Heller. Mr. Emily Heller. Yeah. And yeah, thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me.

You people out there. This is the last episode that's coming up before our live show, March 8th, the Biltmore here in Vancouver. Yeah. Come to that or we'll never do it again. That's right. This is a considerate. A threat. That's a threat.

And a promise. Let's see. What else do I like? Shirt. Shirts. Shirts. Scarves. Yeah. Fall looks.

Oh, boy, yeah. Pumpkin polos. If anybody out there wants to follow us, you can follow us on Twitter at Stop Podcasting. There's a Facebook group you can join if you like. And you know what? If you like the show, tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org

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