Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 525 - Darcy Michael

Episode Date: April 9, 2018

Comedian Darcy Michael returns to talk plastic surgery, eye doctors, and kiwi fruit. It’s week 2 of #MaxFunDrive 2018. Support the show and become a member at maximum fun.org/donate. Thanks a lot!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 525 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Week 2 of the Max Fun Drive. Whoop whoop, wee de doo doo, pew pew. And that man there, the man of a million sound effects, Mr. Dave Schumacher. Mr. Michael Windlow. Do you guys like Jimi Hendrix?

Vroom vroom vroom. Because he just got a motorcycle. This is the sound of Jimi Hendrix as a car. He just swallowed an old Jaguar. And our guest today on the podcast, a very funny comedian. You can see his first special. It's on Crave TV. It's called Darcy Michael Goes to Church. It's Darcy Michael's artist.

Hi. Hi. Hello. How's it going? Good. Good. Thanks for asking. Most people don't ask.

No, yeah. That's true. People are like, talk to me. Less about you guys. More about me. Should we you guys, more about me. Should we get to know? Yeah. Get to know us.

Darcy, it's been a while. It's been a while. Yeah, I think, I don't even know. I think it was a year. Because it was like years and years before. Yeah. We took a bit of a break. We needed some space.

Yeah, we were in a fight. I was waiting for you guys to build the brand a bit. And it didn't happen, so I came back anyways. We went to build a bear instead. We both made our own bears. Have you been to build a bear? I live

it every day. When I'm shoving food into my mouth and trying to trim my beard, I go, hmm, I'm building a bear again. I spent 30 years living as one. Yeah. I have never been, but there's one in the new mall in our little farm country, and it's pretty popular. Yeah.

Oh, where's the new mall? Tawasin Mills. Is that done? Oh, God, yeah. It's open? It's huge, and it's empty. If you want to go shopping where there's no one, come to Ladner. They got to build a bear. They got to what? one, come to Ladner. They got a Build-A-Bear.

They got a what? They got a Build-A-Bear. They got a Staples. Nice. They've got a Saks Fifth Avenue. It's very weird. You go from Build-A-Bear to Saks. It used to be a horse ranch.

Was that what? Yeah, there were horses there and now it's a big mall now but it's it's all built on an ancient horse oh no yeah yeah a lot of a lot of haunted horses last week we talked a lot about dead horses too yeah yeah they're so fragile they are horses are very fragile yeah no they are yeah they're built in a in a way that there we go their legs are just so skinny and the top part is so shiny it's like me do you have skinny legs? I've got skinny legs

I've got skinny legs I feel like that's something I wouldn't even notice about myself if you had skinny legs it's the only thing that is on my body goals that I'm like don't worry about the legs all right focus everything else it was like it sometimes on maury povich they would have

uh people who were made fun of in high school and like now they're hot and they get to tell off their their former bullies and the things the bullies would pick on they were like skinny legs okay yeah there was like a famous a weird story about story about Arnold Schwarzenegger that like when he was first a bodybuilder, he worked on his upper body and it was fine, but his legs were really skinny. So he cut off all of his pants, made them shorts so that everybody would see his skinny legs every day. And then he would be forced to work on his legs.

If that's the case, I'm going to start walking around in crop tops. Yeah. How'd you get the six pack, Darcy? Shame. Shame, yeah. Have you ever had a six pack? God, no. Well, I don't know.

No, no, definitely not. You weren't like a ripped kid? Yeah, no, I've always just been fat. But after the weight loss, like I lost a bunch of weight a long time ago, I guess now. This last year, I started looking at getting a tummy tuck just for the skin. Because when you lose all the weight, it's just saggy and stuff. And it was the worst experience of my life. I went to six different surgeons.

Oh, wow. And you're in there just like in your underwear. And like four people are just eviscerating your body and then they're like a dream come true right and then they start looking at your face being like oh we can put a little filler in around your eyes i'm like bitch nothing's wrong with my face just the stomach just the stomach like it was the worst and then so i was just like afterwards i was like no not gonna do it yeah good for you yeah no i was worried about dying in surgery and then people

could be like he died doing what he loved being vain uh who is was it kanye west's mom who died in surgery yeah in la and also joan rivers yeah yeah she had plastic surgery yeah a little bit yeah i know you wouldn't be able to tell there was always on the shows where they do plastic surgery do they draw on you

yeah yeah and then what they don't tell you is that takes forever to wash off so it just looked like I had stretch marks

for a while I was like I already have stretch marks did anyone write like wash me or you're gonna to eat that?

Eat an apple. Have a great summer. Yeah, I was addicted to those shows. Those little, like, plastic surgery shows. Yeah, it's kind of a fascinating industry. I did go for CoolSculpting, where they freeze your fat. I did go for CoolSculpting, where they freeze your fat. And if you want to see something freaky, Google CoolSculpting butter stick.

Because what they do is they suction your fat into this machine, and they freeze it for an hour. And then afterwards, they pop it off. I tried to make a sound effect, and it didn't work. You know what? I'll come. Try again. Bop. What was that?

And you're left like you've got this frozen butter stick looking thing on your stomach. And then someone comes in with hot cloths and massages it. And then you're supposed to basically like pee out the fat over three months uh legitimately legitimately it didn't work but i think the trick is you're not supposed to eat cheese every day afterwards as well and i was just that big butter block i need more dairy was it like a like a rectangle yeah like a perfect butter stick it was disgusting i was just mortified and then it just stayed like they once they massage it it goes back and you feel like you have to pee for three months yeah pretty much the first and they were like yeah

when you pee it's gonna be a bit weird and it was like peeing a cloud it was gray the first time i peed i was like oh so it does have some oh yeah no actually and i to be honest all kidding aside i lost a half an inch from it but then i was from my penis it was weird i should have paid attention to what they were freezing and i peed a cloud sounds like uh like a kid's book well there was a oh was the uh owen pallet is it owen pallet had an album or in a song called he poos clouds anyway that's how i feel after gluten you you uh when you went off gluten you lost like a bunch of weight yeah was that at all at the same time that was all at the same time yeah i was diagnosed celiac and ignored it for years and then was finally just like oh you're gonna die

uh and so i went off gluten and lost like uh i think at the time i went down like 140 pounds 140 pounds maybe well i was 340 at my biggest and 180 so 160 wow and then uh i got that um i'm blanking on the name of the show uh i did it for a couple years thank you oh my called Spun Out. And they asked me to gain weight because I was too skinny and I was so hungry. It took me three weeks to put 20 pounds on. Nice. It was great. Beat that, Robert De Niro or Christian Bale or who are the other weight-gaining actors? Oh, I mean Leonardo DiCaprio's face.

Yeah. I feel like, what's his name? Jared Leto. Oh, he did that for the, what's his name? Jared Leto. Oh, he did that for the, what's it called? The guy that shot Lennon, right? That's right. Oh, yeah. Mark David Chapman.

I never saw it. No, me neither. Nobody did. Nobody did. That's got to hurt. That's got to be like, I spent eight months eating, and no one came to my movie. I wore these weird you know uh uh transitions lenses yeah i ate only at tony roma's what what was it even released was it a tv movie it was real it was

released but it might have been directed i want to say was lindsey lohan in that movie with them it was some weird like co-star yeah but like that was the first blush of, oh, we're going to have to deal with Jared Leto. Like, doing weird actor. It must be. Have you seen pictures of him lately? Like, I think he's, like, robbing RuPaul's Closet. His clothes are insane. Yeah.

It's not fashion. Oh, it's Gucci. It's Gucci. He's in the front row of the gucci shows he's exclusively gucci he's is he a spokes uh he's now a spokesman but i think he just was like a the slow and himself into being uh there's um yeah it must suck if you're like uh if you think when you're making a movie and you you know there's so many people that go into making a movie. And then when they cast someone like Lucy Lohan, you're like, oh, this is a bad movie.

I thought we were making a good movie. Oh, yeah. As an actor in Vancouver, I've never had the experience of thinking we were making a good movie. Yeah, I mean, once in a while a good one gets sneaked through. It's a sneak, though though no one knows that it's happening even the people in the movie are like what is going on here this might actually be something now did you you've uh acted in a lot of things have you ever acted with somebody who's a method i you know what was weird was i one the first movie i ever did was like 12 years ago. It was called Numb with Matthew Perry.

What's up? Name drop. Yeah, yeah. Big name drop. I played a video store clerk in one scene. And he does this. No one told me, but before they call action, he does this weird like 1940s sportscaster routine where he's calling baseball. And I'm just standing there fried off my ass at the time,

just being like, what they call action. I'm like, those weren't the lines. And they were like, cut. I was like, what are you doing? And he's like, I'm getting into character. I'm like, you're not playing a sportscaster. But yeah, no. Other than that, they.

He's one of the the weight fluctuating actors of our time but never for a role no that was always just drug yeah that was always just drug yeah within within the same role i i didn't notice at the time until it was like on entertainment tonight and they mentioned like who's the guy on it's always sunny in philadelphia who put on a ton of weight just because he thought it was funny it'd be funny at first season that was pretty funny it's pretty great it's pretty great i've watched a movie recently that uh uh oh god now what's his name uh matthew mcconaughey yes thank you really yeah whoa yeah you guys have been doing this too long you needed to break up

maddie mcconaughey gained a bunch of weight and it was for a movie that like was not very good it was called gold oh yeah and he also like had like he was like oh yeah yeah that was it was so much work for something that was like i don't think anybody saw this yeah there was some like i was looking at old pictures of old oscars and there was uh tommy lee jones won the oscar for the fugitive yeah and valid when he's accepting the award i just saw like a little thumbnail of it he's bald accepting the award and i don't know if he's bald in real life or he was if that was for a role of his next movie, but I'd never. I bet she's bald. They're all bald. It's all. They're all bald.

Yeah. I think it's all. Who's the guy, John Cryer? He said on an, like an interview, like during two and a half men. Cause he's bald. Oh, is he? Yeah. And it's all, he said, like, I've got a piece and then there's also like spray and there's a whole crew that's dedicated to making it but then once the show went off he's just a bald he's just what about jason alexander who we all knew

as bald and then what like three years ago just starts walking around with a toupee like no one's gonna know where's it like day to day like yeah it's like it doesn't feel like a toupee yeah you know what it's kind of warm today so i'm'm just going to let the hair, you know, let the hair go. I really objected to that for a while, but now I respect it. Could you guys imagine though, if I was sitting here with bangs and just. I would love it. I would love it. Just, just.

Especially if it was bangs, like really feathered. Oh yeah. Just 80s style. But just bangs? Just bangs, still bald. Oh, yeah. Just 80s style. But just bangs? Just bangs. Still bald. Just one rub. I could only afford the implants along the front.

There was a very persuasive plastic surgery. We do a cold stone creamer into your head. So what's new? What's been going on in the years since we've we've had you on as a guest oh nothing what just trucking along well we had this special come out a couple weeks ago you had a comedy special on crave tv for people who are not from canada crave tv is the is it the only canadian streaming service it is the only canadian streaming service now uh it's owned by bell media ctv so uh yeah we too big to fail too big to fail uh that's what we should have called the special

then i'd believe the hype now where is it i was it taped in a church yeah we taped it at berkeley church in toronto okay and it's a beautiful beautiful venue. And I was very weirded out by it. You take me to church. Sorry, I had to. I'm a big hoser guy. It's fun. It was good. It was really last minute.

Did you pick to do it in the church? No, they came to me and said, what do you think about filming a special in a church? And I burst out laughing. And I was like, well, that's on point. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was, we did it in September. And then I just assumed it was going to sit on a shelf for five years.

Because when I did my Comedy Now special, that was, Phil and I filmed the same year, 2007. And they didn't release it until 2010. Oh, really? And I had three Bush jokes in my because i also at the time i was a 22 minute special and i had about seven minutes of material when i agreed to do that one right uh and so i just what's in the new you came out of the newspaper let's see what can i stretch with uh i still remember. Chemical Ali is threatening us all.

But yeah, so I was surprised they released it so quick. Yeah. It's out there forever and ever and ever. Yeah. Ones and zeros, man. Ones and zeros. Yeah. Because you were saying before the show, it's very weird because in the old comedy now or whatever, you would go out, it would be on TV.

Everybody you know would see it that night. Yeah. Say, hey, I saw you on TV. And then you never had to think about it. Again? Ever again. Yeah. Until maybe it showed in a rerun.

Exactly. But the reruns would be so random and sporadic they're still on there yeah exactly yeah and like weird times of day too like uh 1 p.m at the gym somebody's got a picture on their elliptical you know that's gary yeah whereas now it's just like people can just get it anytime so it is a little weird i'm afraid of twitter these days every time i log in i'm just like is it gonna be hate or love or nothing at all nothing at all usually that's yeah that's my experience today which was kind of nice but i got a couple death threats and that's weird for me for real yeah and i was like but you're canadian like we don't we don't hate like that but people a couple people got really upset that

we did it in a church uh but I don't care you know like it's it's not even a church anymore like it's a venue right um oh it just was a church and I referenced the church a few times in the title in the special and in the title uh so yeah it's there but then if something like that happens where you, somebody says something like that, you go to the police or do you know, this is just, this is just another troll with a keyboard.

I just delete them. Like I just block people whenever I, when, when we did spun out, we had to promise we wouldn't engage hate on social media just cause they were like, we don't want you attacking people that don't like the show, which thank God we didn't have to do that.

I'd still be replying. But, uh, since then I've just been like, hi, you know what? I don't, I don't bother with like whether it's related to the special or just me as a

person or whatever. Anytime I get anything like that, I just kind of delete and ignore. I'm a big muter. Yeah. Muting and unfollowing is like, or the what's the one on Facebook where you, yeah,

where you can unfollow people. Well, and there's also a neat new one on Facebook that I have a real fond of. The snooze? Snooze them for 30 days. You've been snoozed. Yeah. See you next month.

I think Facebook's having a real moment right now. I deleted it a couple weeks ago off my phone just because it was giving me anxiety. And it's been great. And now everyone's talking about deleting. I'm like, yeah, get on board. But then what are we going to join? What are we going to do? Some other thing is going.

PayPal? Are we all going to be on PayPal? I would love it. Send me some money. Just send me a message through PayPal. I love when people are always like, Oh, Facebook,

I love Instagram over Facebook. I'm like, it's the same people. Yeah. It's they're owned by the same company. Like, Oh yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought you meant like, it's the same people that you would see. It is. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Um,

and now like I, now Facebook is getting into the stories that you can now do stories on Facebook, which is what Instagram has, which they stole from Snapchat and Snapchat's done. Cause Rihanna just laid the axe down on them. Uh, and didn't one of the, uh, the Jenners do it a few months ago as well? Oh, I don't know. How are they gonna, you know, do all the fun filters? Who's doing that? Instagram are they gonna you know do all the fun filters who's doing that instagram oh instagram they got the fun filters now oh boy you're missing out if you're not using those filters do you look how look how fat i am in person you're go look at my instagram

darcy darcy you're not fat yeah it's not that there's anything wrong with being fat there's nothing wrong with being fat but you're not fat but there's when you do that yeah when you're not fat. Yeah. Not that there's anything wrong with being fat. There's nothing wrong with being fat, but you're not fat. But there's, when you do that, yeah. When you big, grab a big mouthful of air.

Yeah. I'm, I mute people a lot on Twitter. Not even like, I'm not even sure they're insulting me, but I feel like they wrote me a message that had a little too much sass. But maybe it's referencing some joke I said on the show

that I don't remember but anyway you're done you're gone yeah but that's I like that snooze for 30 days

it's because that's a it just feels like when I've done it that it feels a little sassier like you're I'm snoozing you you're gone

yeah I like it so the special's out it's great and now i'm just doing nothing with my life that's that can't be true no i it's a my calendar is pretty open right now guys it's pretty fantastic yeah um i uh no it's been good it's been uh my we're trying to do this things called spending time with each other, with the family. It's exhausting. They're so boring.

And by spending time together, I mean, we're watching a lot of big brother and survivor and RuPaul's drag race. Yeah. Yeah. So it is good family bonding, but our daughter's in university. And so she lives out.

She doesn't, she lives on campus. So like weekends are like our time together and it's just exhausting. She comes home for weekends. That's when all the parties are on campus. Yeah. She's a geek. Thank God.

Oh, and her boyfriend goes to a different school and they both live in our town. So they both come home for the weekend. Are they both nerds? Yeah. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's great.

How do you, uh, how do you raise a nerd? I don't know how we did it uh because well jare's a nerd uh by nature but she i think that's her way of rebelling against me uh is instead of like going and taking a bunch of mushrooms and smoking weed all the time she's like i'm gonna calculus. And it's working. Yeah, no, it's very weird, but I like it. Yeah. Do you hope that your kids grow up to be nerds or cowgirls? No, I hope my kids grow up to be total junkies. Boss bitches.

Yeah, there you go. Because, yeah, do kids always go the opposite of, no, no. I mean, if you're, if your parents are horrible, maybe they do, but also maybe. What are you saying about me? No, no, I don't think that's the opposite. I mean, like if it was, if you are, uh, you know, it, people always drew it to like the hippies, like the kids of the hippies turned out to be yuppies. Yeah. drew it to like the hippies. Like, oh, the kids are the hippies turned out to be yuppies. Yeah.

Would you rather your kids grow up to be creative or like business oriented? Because that's the big one, I think. Like deciding. Because you should decide for them. It's easier. I don't know what I would prefer. Like they can, look man, as long as they got

smiles on their faces, you know, bellies full of food. Definitely not creative then. Go business. Oh yeah. It's expensive to live here. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, they can live in the basement the rest of their lives. Oh wow. That's,

that's a legally binding contract. All right. Yeah. Witness, witness. That's a legally binding contract. Yeah, all right. Witness. Witness. It'll be like that show. That 70s show? Sure. It'll be like the Roseanne reboot.

Did you guys watch it? Did it air? Oh, last night. Yeah. Largest debut of any television show in eight years. Oh uh the red states still watch tv in america had 18 million viewers in the states and 2.2 million here in canada it's crazy did you

watch it oh yeah we had a roseanne party well you're a red state guy i am it's not but i don't think it was necessarily. I think everyone watched it back then. Yeah. Back in the 90s. Yeah, but the debut was more than the finale for viewers. And when you think in 1997, like how much? Like there were only four channels back then.

Yeah. And now there's 85 million. What were the four channels? There was 4chan. Yeah, 4chan. Reddit. You read it. CNN. And Xtube. Xtube. Xtchan. Yeah, 4chan. Reddit. You read it. CNN. And Xtube.

Xtube. Yeah. That's how dated my porn is, guys. I'm still keeping that site alive. Is that an old? Yeah. I just go wherever the links feed me. I just go to Google.

I type in porn. And then I just sit back and let the computer do the talking. Oh, so there's sites. It's not just one couple making it all. Mildred and he's getting weird but the everyone like leading up to the Roseanne reboot everyone

was like and by the way it happened so fast like I heard about it happening and then it's yeah two weeks ago we're premiering it in March yeah but they did a everyone was talking about like oh is dan gonna be back he died well here's why he's back and like oh which becky is it gonna be both of them no one was like

was it yeah they brought both of them back they're both on the show how does that way it's so dumb i like that's i was actually really impressed with the premiere. They blew off the Dan being dead thing in the cold open. They just did like a sleep apnea joke and left it at that. Dan's alive now. And they have the original Becky playing the original Becky, which in my opinion, bad move. Oh, really? You were a latter day Becky?

I was a Sarah Chalk all the way. Sarah Chalk, sure. Comedically, she's got the chalks. And do you? No. Uh, comedically she's got the chalks. Uh, and, and do you know? No, I stopped.

I tapped out. Um, the, so Sarah chalk is hiring Becky to be her surrogate, uh, because they look so similar. Ah, boy, this is really a bit of a stretch,

a real, uh, you know really a bit of a stretch. A real, you know, some real navel gazing folding in on itself. But I was going to say, everyone was talking about that, everyone was talking about Dan. No one's like, is DJ going to be back? They gave him one line in the first two episodes. It was an hour episode,

like two episodes last night. He spoke once. That's on par with... And under-delivered. Now, with... Is Darlene in? Is she... She's in it. She's in it.

She's got kids. She's got kids. She's got two kids. Is the blanket, the afghan still on the couch? The afghan is still on the couch. Chicken shirt? Chicken shirt. She's wearing it in the first episode and the open.

It's actually like it does. Pumpkin carving. I don't know. I hope there's a Halloween episode, but who knows? It was, it was, it was, it's, it's weird. Like it's very, she's playing the Trump card a lot because she's a Trump supporter in the show. The first whole episode is about her and Jackie fighting over Trump and Hillary. And who likes them more?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll watch. It's a real weird time for TV because as TV is kind of, the sun seems to be setting they're like, let's just go back to 1995. Murphy Brown is coming back.

I mean, well that was destined to happen. But when you said you I mean, well, that was, that was, that was destined to happen. Yeah. But when you said you still watch big brother, that shocked me. Yeah. Okay. Like that. I,

even when I admitted it, I was like, this is not something you talk about outside the house. I watch big brother Canada because Trevor Boris is a good friend of mine and he's the executive producer. So I started watching. That's why I watch hockey wives i started watching the first season because he was doing but that was back when he was just doing the challenges he was producing that and i kind of got hooked i was like it's trashy and i love it it's a bit of a car accident because it was like because you know survivor they

fly all these people to some exotic place and there's all these challenges based around it. Big brother. Is it the same house every year? Like they basically put the, yeah, it's the same. It's a warehouse.

They just built a house and they're like, well, the show pays for itself for the next 30 years. Pretty much. Well, the Canadian one got canceled, uh, after five seasons.

And then, uh, there were so many tweets and Facebook posts for like three weeks afterwards. Global was like, okay, we'll bring it back. All right, fine. Like, sure. Sorry. But it's also just a marketing dream come true. Because like every product they put in the house.

Oh, sure. The whole thing is product placement. Like every challenge is like today's Wendy's drive-thru challenge. Oh. It's like how am I any cheaper? I i think you do all right i think i would uh i don't think it's what it's a long-running television show that i don't think i've seen a single episode oh you would hate it yeah it's gross it is i don't watch the american i only watch the canadian version but like i also think that jare like my husband is the only person that still pays for cable tv because of things like survivor do you have cable yeah i think we are the only ones because of things like sports yeah jare's big

hockey guy and you know what abby likes to have like uh you know america's next top model oh i get into that what's up but like i i used to i just don't watch anything anymore like i'm all about rupaul's drag race i discovered it last year you're the one who discovered it i discovered you you dug it out the one that was like you know what this needs to be in pop culture a little more yeah i'm surprised you didn't name it after yourself i you know trying to you know spread, spread the love a little bit. Yeah. Get through a bit of a bump.

Good for you. No, I had, I had friends that were telling me about it for years and I was just like, no, it just doesn't seem like my thing. And I was in Venice Beach at this really crappy Airbnb last February. And it was pouring rain for three weeks. And the only thing they had on their PVR was every episode of RuPaul's drag race. And I started. And after like three weeks, I was straight up. Just like every thought was in my brain was just related to RuPaul's drag race.

And I was like, I'm in, I'm in for life. Yeah. It's, it is a thoroughly entertaining. Do you watch it? I've watched the last, uh, the. Whatever the one is on Netflix. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the only way

I can watch anything. It needs to be in a thing where if I like it, I can watch the next episode. How we've changed. It's consumed too much content now. Sorry, I got so mad. What else are you going to do on family night i guess

yeah no it's true no god no puzzle i get too grumpy escape room make your garage my entire life with these two is an escape room no where is the no i'm kidding i love them i would oh it would be fun to make your own escape room for someone you loved And just all the quizzes are about like, you know, you, about your relationship. Yeah, what was the name of the hotel in Niagara Falls that we stayed at? Niagara Falls Hotel. Now give me the key, let me out of here.

I expected this to last a little longer. Now, before we move on, we need to take a little bit of a break here. Yeah, let to take a little bit of a break. Yeah. Let's talk a little bit about the reason for the season. Yes.

The Max Fun Drive. Guys, every year we take two weeks, so we don't have to give you the spiel once a week. That's right. We just save it for this time of year. And we, uh, we talk about the Max Fun Drive. This show and every show on Maximum Fun is supported by your contributions. And if you want to contribute to a show, if you want to help pay for the thing that you like media-wise, this is the time to do it. Yeah, we've been talking about all these streaming services.

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25,000 new and upgrading members. And if you're already a member, thank you so much. Absolutely. We love you. And if you're on the fence, now's the time to make that decision. Jump off that fence. And all you have to do is head over to MaximumFun.org, click on Donate, you enter a little bit of information.

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work we put into it we've been doing it for 10 years maybe you should start paying for it baby do it now maximum fun dot org slash donate and now back to the L podcast arena

Dave what what's going on with you man um got my eyes tested a couple weeks ago oh cool To the El Podcasterino. Dave. What? What's going on with you, man? Got my eyes tested a couple weeks ago. Oh, cool. Or last week. Yeah. And it had been a while. And they... I don't know what they're doing.

What? You don't know what your eyes are doing? No, I don't know what the people... I want... The thing they put in front of your eye pressure is so insane oh that thing the uh wait what are these things tell me about these eyes okay you've had an eye test no what really no how do you know if you have good vision he does yeah i do because okay The reason I wear glasses is because I was traveling with Graham. I had a prescription already, but I was like, I don't need this.

And we were in New York and he was like, hey, we get off at that street. And I was like, wait, where are you seeing that word? And I put on my glasses and I was like, oh. Words. All these words. So what are the tests that they do to you? Well, the first thing they do, they go in, they blow a bunch of air in your eyes.

That's what I thought you meant by the pressure. Oh. Because they want to test. I meant the like mental pressure. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll let you get there. Well, they have. Like they basically whistle in your eyes?

Yeah. It's just coming, a little bit of spittle goes in there too. No, what they do is you you put your you they're like look at this little laser beam put your face put your chin there's a lot of putting your chin on a thing yeah rest your chin on this and uh and uh you know if you have a beard they have an extra long one for you to rest your beard on yeah uh look at this one light and we're gonna blow some air in your eye and but there's never like a countdown it's not like no

it's straight up it's how it happens randomly like yeah we're about to do it in the next 10 seconds at some point and then it's just up and like you blink and you freak out because that's what you do. Yeah, yeah. It's like the pressure of one of those air guns. Air guns. To clean your keyboard. Yeah. Okay.

But then what is the test? There's no test. No one tells you. I've asked and they're like, oh, moving on. Oh, no. It's like, oh, you're just fucking with us. They test the pressure in your eye. Oh, okay.

And it's also like a reaction? No. No. It's not that. It's not how fast you can blink. It's the pressure in your eye because they were like, I think it was for cataracts or glaucoma. I forget. One of them eye diseases. But then if you got too much pressure, does the eyeballs...

Well, if it's too much pressure, then they... Then there's the early signs of one of those things. much pressure does the eyeballs but they all well if it's too much pressure then they then then there's the early signs of one of those things oh i see but also they don't know which one of those things it's something something but they also told me that i have thicker eyes like what's up yeah or like craigslist post the outside of my eyes is a thicker layer, and so they were like, eh, so that kind of screws up our readings. They're like, you might have glaucoma,

but we just actually don't know. Yeah, you want to get high? Is that why you're here? Your eyes are thick. That's two Cs. And you're a fuck boy, that's two C's and an I. I'm Dave's eye doctor, I should clarify.

Your eye's thick, though. So they do the pressure test and then do they do the crazy giant thing with the lenses? The lenses, but they go so fast. One or two. Two or three. One or four. But after the first one but they go so fast. That's what stresses me out. One or two, two or three, one or four.

But after the first one, I know the letter. So it doesn't even matter. I'm like, am I actually seeing the letter clearer or is it just that I know it's an E? Right. Yeah, my last prescription gave me a migraine after a week and then I just haven't gone back. I just wear old glasses.

Because you... I was just like, well, this was too stressful. I was just, they go. Oh, I just wear old glasses because, because I was just like, well, this was too stressful. I was just, they go so quick and I was like, I need to think about it for a second. Oh, cause they got,

you got it wrong. Yeah. They just got it wrong. It's their fault. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever done the orange dye where they put the dye in to dilate your eyes?

Well, I, I think that's the, there's an optometrist and an ophthalmologist. Yeah. Optometrist. And there's an ophthalmologist, Michael Jackson. Oh, I thought it was just like a real wacky place.

Like you go in, there's all sorts of crazy shit on the roof. The orange dye is one that they told me they were like, oh, you shouldn't drive to the appointment. And I was like, whatever, it's fine. They were more like, you shouldn't drive from the appointment. Yeah, like whatever it's fine uh and so i they were more like you shouldn't drive from the appointment yeah that's basically what it was they put like the drive was fine yeah i don't know what you guys were worried about but they put this like orange dye that dilates your eyes for like an hour uh and i was trying to drive home afterwards and i was maybe

going like six kilometers an hour could not see a thing and eventually i pulled over and just walked but i walked with my arms out like no depth perception they put they put they were like we can do the drops but not it wasn't those drops it was just like something to take care of that a dry eye that they just gave you from the air it wasn't orange it was but it was to paralyze the nerve or something so they could i know and so like you won't be able to focus for an hour but oh maybe that's what it was but it but i said can i drive and they're like yeah you're fine no okay no mine was definitely and i was like but i've been drinking yeah yeah yeah and they're like here's a little bump for you that's true that you out. And so when the lady, the doctor, I'm sorry, lady.

Doctor lady. Doctor lady, medicine lady. Nice lady. She said that the last time I was in, which was seven years earlier, my prescription, they hadn't, the doctor had given me like not my full prescription because he didn't think i was ready for it you got him filled up to it but it's like i have a very weak prescription that's why i didn't realize i needed glasses up until great spotting thing yeah and so like clark so when when i got a new prescription put in, I was like, oh man, this is going to blow my mind.

It's going to be so much stronger. No, it wasn't. Like one of those babies where they put the glasses on and the baby goes, what's going on? That's the reaction probably that these doctors are hoping for. You just start crying. Just, Dr. doctor lady you're so beautiful you were hideous

when I got in here oh doctor lady so yeah that's all crossed off now next thing I gotta do the dentist yeah oh boy you go to the dentist regularly? all the time yeah I go every five months for cleaning yeah I like it I like getting a little sparkly Oh boy. You go to the dentist regularly? All the time. Yeah. I go every five months.

Whoa. Yeah. I like it. I like getting a little sparkly. I had, I didn't go for like eight years and then went through that nightmare of getting root canals. I had four root canals.

Four root canals. Yeah. Cause I just might, when I was, I think I was like 21 or 22 and thank God my parents paid for it. Yeah. I'd still be like talking with a mangled mouth but now i just am so paranoid about it i just signed up for quip uh which is i heard about

what that is uh it's through podcast app advertising that i heard about it it's a toothbrush subscription service oh well we don't do that because we rely on our members to oh right right of course sorry and then sometimes we do ads too i'm not sure exactly why we do both Well, we don't do that because we rely on our members to contribute to the show. Of course. And then sometimes we do ads, too. I'm not sure exactly why we do both. I just canceled it. Yeah.

I use an electric toothbrush now. No more analog toothbrushes for me. It's exhausting. Why? I'm all digital now. Yeah. And you know what? I use Alexa. It's exhausting. Yeah. Why? I'm all digital now. Uh-huh. Yeah. And, uh, you know what?

I use Alexa. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Alexa, brush my teeth. Alexa, brush my teeth. Thank you, Alexa. Alexa, play Caribbean Queen.

I don't like that you have to thank. You don't have to thank Alexa. I don't like that they are to thank. You don't have to thank. I don't like that they are suggesting that I should thank this robot for doing its job. You don't have one, do you? No. Okay. That is terrifying to me. What?

Just to have like them just listening all the time. Yeah. It can communicate with your Roomba. Can it really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. No,

no, no, no, no. Um, my daughter's going to want one. She's probably got my, my parents have one and over Christmas or after Christmas,

when all the kids were around, it was just like a nonstop barrage of kids just yelling things. Hey, Alexa, may the force be with you. And like there's so many like. And also with you. Easter egg things. That's not Alexa voice. That's just Graham sitting behind Alexa.

And that's not what they say in Star Wars. And also with you. I know. Alexa's being funny. There's like a bunch of Easter eggs that these crazy kids now you say a thing

to Alexa. Hey Alexa tell me a joke. And then it it's like Siri you can ask her what's the song that she just speaks

the words to. I don't know. Anyways that was a terrible reference. No no. Oh yeah there was one Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah it's Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah, it's Bohemian Rhapsody.

Where the hell it is. Shut up. But the, one of them was just like it started randomly laughing. That was Alexa. That was Alexa.

Yeah, it's just like out of nowhere apparently laughing in people's houses. Yeah. Could you imagine just like, just about to fall asleep and from your living room, you're here.

That, I would shoot somebody. I don't even have a gun, but I would react so quickly that I would. You would make a gun. I would make a gun, a potato gun. You would make some sort of potato gun. And then I would shoot my Alexis. That was the height of coolness when I was in high school. A potato gun?

A potato gun? Oh, yeah. That, you know, you don't scream i'm from alberta often but when you reference things like high school potato gun yeah yeah yeah a lot of friends who made their own i mean it was before the days of online where you could just order a potato gun you had to make technology behind a potato gun it was mostly just what i'm if i'm imagining it right it's a gun a little pistol you dig potato out with the with the the front and then it pops it out it's less a pistol and more just kind of a

pipe yeah really yeah it's a that you do dig into the potato with the with the business and uh-huh and then uh i can't remember you have to light something or usually you could light a fire cracker uh if you were making like a real budget one uh or you use like a air um you get that from the eye doctor the compressed air yeah yeah same thing same technology that's why whenever i go to the eye doctor i go i hope there's not a fucking potato in there or i'm gonna need an eye doctor yeah doctor lady I see the scam you're running here, lady. But yeah,

if you had eye trauma at the eye doctor, they wouldn't be able to, they don't seem to have eye tools. They just have a big thing they put in front of you.

One or two. No, but I'm bleeding. One or two. Yeah. One, two, three. This is all the technology. They can give you a patch. Yeah.

You were going to say a paps. I was like, I don't know if the same doctor lady does that. Give you a pap. Give you a. Give you a paps. Yeah, sure. Blue ribbon. Give you a schlitz.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. What's going on with you? A couple of things. I wrote them down so I would remember uh one thing is i was uh we have a look at our phones i'll look at our god i wrote things down for you guys oh did it whatever it's over um we have a you wrote down potato gun and we got there no i actually did write down potato diet but we can get into that after. Are you on a potato diet?

No, I just read about it for the first time. You know what? We'll get to Graham in a second. What is the potato diet? It came up on my Instagram marketing thing. I had no idea it existed. It's called the potato diet. And you eat nothing but potatoes for a week and you'll lose weight and i

just blew me away that probably also lose some basic you know like functions yeah organ functions yeah but also who's paying it blew me away because i was like who's paying for this advertisement yeah like you potato people i guess they're like yeah the irish are like they're not eating carbs what uh what um you just boil them? Like, is any type, and that's why I was like. Any type fries. Well, fries. Chips.

That's the thing. I was Googling potato diet and French fries, because it was like, if this is a thing. Potato tornado. I will, yeah. Richmond Night Market, I can't wait. Are you a fry guy? No, but I would if I, if, if someone told me I could just eat large fries three times a day. Yeah.

I'm a potato chip guy. Yeah. Love me some waffles. I like fries, but I don't like that they are the default with everything. Yeah. Like, when I go to Wendy's, I get a baked potato because I think it's fancy. It is fancy. You're right.

But I just don't like, like, you know, you get Eggs Benedict. They come with hash browns. You get whatever, you know, a salad with fries. You got a salad. It's covered in fries. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'll eat fries, but I'm not, I don't need them at every meal.

No, and nor should you have them with every meal. Well, according to the potato diet, you should. That's true. That's all you should be eating. It is funny that potatoes somehow just like, they somehow got on every plate. It's the Instagram advertisement, apparently. Yeah. It paid off.

Good work, potato. Yeah, good job, potato council. Anyways, what was on your list? Yeah. Sorry. Well, we have a post office box where sometimes people want and need to send us stuff. Yeah, they'll send us mustard mostly.

Yeah, there's been a lot of mustard in the mail. You know, a couple of weeks ago it was cards. Yeah. Because, well, we'll talk about that in a bit. Sure. Why we were getting cards. But I got something the other day that was it was addressed to me there was it was just a package and it had no a note in it and it was people do

that i know what but i'm also don't understand what the the thing is i know what they are um only because my mom gave me one when she went to new zealand it's a kiwi fruit uh knife and spoon all in one yeah a package of five of those but you with no like have we mentioned that on the show one time i don't know probably but probably because you said oh yeah i've used one of these before and they're like i've got five of them yeah yeah so they're like, I've got five of them. Yeah, yeah. So I got a package of five of them. So, you know, I'll bring one over for you. Oh, sure. I never know when they're in season.

Because sometimes you get a bad one and you're like, well, these are out of season. Yeah, I feel like I eat a kiwi fruit, let's say, every five years. Yeah, I was going to say, I don't think I've had one in about five years. Oh, we went through a lot of them. They're good baby fruit. Yeah. Baby fruit. Yeah. Baby food. Yeah.

And it's like, I feel like if I'm at a fancy buffet, sometimes they'll be part of the fruit. You can put them in a smoothie. You know what? The only time I ever have them is with you at debaters. That's when they're always

in the little fruit trays. Yeah. But I very rarely, I don't know what to test when I'm at the supermarket with a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, is it, do I brush it against the grain? The little hair? Is it supposed to be soft?

Do you know how to test? Avocado. Yeah. That's just a simple squeeze. I think kiwi's the same, isn't it? I don't know. I learned to eat kiwis with the skin. So, like, I'll eat the skin still because it's very fibrous oh you don't need the magic but avocados throw them away or

avocados as i call them uh i buy ones that aren't ripe yet because i'll buy like five and i'll eat them like this will be ripe in a few days yeah because i don't want to have to buy one again in a few days no i always buy like a half dozen. And if you put them by bananas or oranges, they'll ripen quicker. What? Yeah. How do you keep them from ripening? That's like they communicate.

Put them in the fridge. Oh, okay. Wow. What about oranges? How do you know how to buy oranges? I juggle three. Whichever one falls, that's the one. That's the golden orange.

I buy some that are soft, some that are hard. They all turn out exactly the same. I know, but. Sometimes the skin seems thicker. And then, but that makes a difference. Bananas, I go by sight. Yeah, bananas on sight. Apples are good for a year.

Yeah. You know, a pumpkin, I thump on it three times if it knocks back. You leave it, you leave it there. If the pumpkin already has rosanne carved into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one I take home.

A clamshell of the strawberries. If the ones on the bottom look gross, don't get it. Yeah, and then clams. If it's got strawberries in it, you put it back. Yeah, peaches you smell.

Do you? Yeah. They stopped doing that in high school. All the signs are like, do not squeeze the peaches. Do not squeeze the peach, but you're allowed to smell them until they ask you to leave. Sir. We're going to need you to go. But yeah, so now I got I got kiwi spoons

coming out you've been diagnosed with kiwi spoons and luckily the cure puffs of air in the eyes million voices

yeah I mean sounds it's the same sound you made for the motorcycle yeah um uh also i uh twice in the past week i don't know like do you like talking on the phone yeah i talk on the phone a lot okay i talked to to Jane Stanton probably 10 times a day. Oh, really? Yeah, she never stops calling. She's called twice and she knows I'm here. Oh. For real,

like you'll just have quick little conversations on the phone? Yeah, we'll have like, we'll talk like once or twice realistically unless she's just got some show she's watching

that she wants to call and scream about. But I talk to my parents every morning and then I talk to my best friend Carl for like an hour a day. That's yeah i'm the only person between cable television and talking on the phone i am stuck in 19 yeah do you have a newspaper uh subscription listen it doesn't matter i have a few does milk come to your house yeah oh that'd be nice my parents still have that

really is that an option still? Yeah. Do they do almond milk? No. I mean, my parents don't, but maybe the. Well, they should. Yeah. It's delicious. I think the, I think that to me was always, even when it was like, we had it as a kid, milk delivery. I was like, this seems luxurious.

Yeah. I remember. This seems really nice. When we moved out here from Ontario, seeing milk that wasn't in bags and not understanding it. Cause like in Ontario, it's still, you can buy your milk in bags and we would just always have them in the freezer. And then you just take your milk out of the freezer and thought when you needed a new bag of milk. Wow. I was.

That's just changed my whole. Right. Wow. It was very budget back then, guys. Buying milk when visiting Abby's parents in Switzerland, it's all just in a Tetra Pak room temperature. No, really? You can cool it at home, but I don't know when it expires. If you ask, that's like chicken farmers, they'll tell you to never put your eggs in the fridge.

And not to put them in one basket. I've also heard that. Yes, sure. And also don't count your chicken before their hat. But yeah, like my parents, sometimes they'd be like, oh, it's just too easy. It's easier to just get you to pick up our milk. Like that's been dropped at our front door instead of us canceling the delivery for a week. Yeah. How did we get on this?

Talking on the phone. Okay. I was trying to do that reverse engineering. Because. And then that's how I ended up watching Big Brother. I'm not. I used to love talking on the phone. I don't think I've had a conversation on the phone in the last five years where one of the people wasn't trying to get off. Like either me.

Like masturbating? Because you haven't called me in months. Yeah, that's what I meant. Like one person on the phone call is always very terse. One word answers, yep. Yep. Okay. Sounds good. One word answers. Yep. Yep. Okay. Sounds good. I'm driving.

Or I'm in front of people. But in the last week, I've had two people who have been like, hey, could you jump on a call? And I've paralyzed. I was like, I don't how do I, yeah, how do I get out of this?

And so for the first one, I was like, could you, maybe we could just do this over email? Is there a chance that I could just, maybe I could answer your questions via email. Is that possible? And it totally was possible. He sent the four questions that he needed asked and i was like yes no yes send them back and then uh it was the same

thing with the other guy who wanted to jump on a call he's like can you give me a call sometime this week and i was like it just i was went into a panic i was like i don't uh how am i gonna get out of this call this blows me away yeah i don't uh i don't know what it is there's something something has happened in between my teenage years when i would spend honestly yeah all the time right hours hours and hours on the phone i still talk to my parents on the phone for a long stretch but that's it I think ever since we got the ability to talk on the phone through headphones, I've gotten more into it. I think I've gotten less into it. I think there's something about not having the phone, the holding it.

One of those Lenny Kravitz deals. Yeah, there you go. I like doing it. I like, I'll talk on the phone and, you know, clean a litter box. I don't even have cats, but I like doing things while I'm on the phone. For the community. Yeah. Wander over to your neighbor's house.

Hey, what's up? I've got to call my mom. You got some cat shit I can sort for you. Sort? Yeah, I'm sorting it. Ooh, it looks like this kitty's got a bit of a bowel issue. All right, I'll put that in the maybe. Yeah, that's a maybe.

I'm not sure. We do these, we have this writing project and we'll have these conference calls where it will be 10 people on the call. And it's one of those like, you know, like someone starts to talk, but it cuts off someone else. And then there's just the pause. And I'll be like, just say your name. If you want to talk, like, let's get through this. Cause 10 people all trying to justify why they're calling in. It's a night.

Those are nightmares. Yeah. But I just, I don't know. There's something about a call that is now become freaky to me. Would you, what about if you were ordering pizza? Like, is that online? Domino's app. Yeah. What about if you were ordering pizza? Like is that kind of- Online. Domino's app. Domino's. Domino's app.

Yeah. I just go on the whatever pizza place's website. We had to institute a rule at our house that we weren't allowed to order Domino's if it had been less than five days since our last order. Because they have gluten-free crust and it's delicious. Right. And there was a time last year and a couple years that I put on like like, another 40 pounds 100% because of Domino's gluten-free. Like, the guys would show up and be like, hey. Too good, too convenient.

Wearing the same clothes you wore yesterday when I dropped off six pizzas. What's up? I definitely. You make a potato pizza because I'm on the potato diet. I'm on the potato diet. Blowing my eyeballs sir I definitely had that where it was

not that big a span of time between deliveries from the same place and it was the same guy who showed up and then you're like haha

here we are huh our guy brought us a gift because we were we always we only have one pizza place

as an option where we live and we were seeing him so much he was like hey i'm taking these glass blowing courses and so i made you uh yeah i made you a glass pizza okay uh now he made us like a little like it's like a golf ball size flower uh and i was like, Jer, we just got a gift from our pizza delivery boy. I definitely, there's more than one pizza chain that like sent me a message at Christmas. Hey buddy, hope you're well. Yeah. Haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks.

Don't know if you're dead or what, but hey. I got like the Domino's app is great, but I prefer other pizza and other restaurants, other types of food. So I will go and pick up food, and so many places are just like, they don't answer the phone. Or like, I guess, they have enough customers tonight yeah, get fucked. But even answer it like in answer to your question, calling a pizza place, even that is like, I'm like, I got to psych myself up to it. Yeah. Oh, I need to also, because I have done all the research of what I want to order on the phone. So we'll have to be like going from the, going from my ear to the screen. We're going to quickly get out of the phone app and go back to what I had written down.

So, yeah, so i was i managed to uh snake my way out of a couple of calls this week but i feel like there's there's one with uh revenue canada that's got to be that's a phone call that i have i i just survived a three-year tax audit and i probably oh it was brutal but I think the saving grace was how good I am on the phone. Revenue Canada, even at the end of the audit, the woman who I had been dealing with for six months was just like, you have been really pleasant to deal with. And I'm like, bitch, you just bankrupted me.

I've been waiting six months to unleash on you. Because every other time I'd call and be like, hey, I know you're just doing your job but like i can't beat my fucking uh it was but that's the thing i am good on the phone yeah i'm not i'm not bad on the phone you just don't ever i just don't want to that's i don't want to be that i don't think you and i have spoken on the phone oh in 10 years yeah yeah i think that's that's mind-blowing to me yeah i'd be so heartbroken if my friends didn't want to.

Well, neither of you call me, but it makes sense now. Yeah. But yeah, no, I think all of my circle talk on the phone. That's, yeah. It's, there's, it seems like there's something healthy about it, about talking on the phone as opposed to always texting, but I don't. Like at some point our all of our phones gave us unlimited minutes that's true like phones were like come on back come back you can do it

have you tried potato when i got my first cell phone it was like you know you got unlimited nights and weekends but you know you only have so many daytime minutes and they were like uh we realize these aren't worth anything uh you know what have as many as you want um yeah so so i managed to sneak out of a couple of phone calls congratulations that's awesome yeah um the revenue canada phone call might ruin phone calls for you well no they're already bad okay yeah so it's not trying to sneak into phone yeah all right yeah um so uh yeah those are two things yeah that's two things that's that's enough things for one week i think i was gonna say when i get one of the places i like to order from i i ordered from this uh place i will not say their name for some reason i don't know why i'm holding back yeah it's because

their name has a swear word yeah it's from uh colonel shits uh taco great name for a restaurant colonel shits tacos uh their logo is so disgusting yeah but oddly close enough to a taco. Yeah. Uh, but it, uh, I was the, uh, like there were five people waiting to pick up food and four of them had those insulated backpacks from delivery services. Oh yeah.

And the fifth one was me. You should get a, uh, a root. You're there anyways. I still never have used one of those. No, me neither. Because why haven't I?

I use them in the really, like, it's basically the only way to get food in LA. You have to pick the right kind of restaurant. Yeah. Because I feel like, you know, like Chinese food will come to your house great no matter what. Right. A pizza place is already designed. They have their own delivery system, but I'm just worried that a taco place,

food's going to sit there for 20 minutes before the guy shows up. And then a lot of the time they're riding a bike to bring it to you. No, I'm hungry. When I'm ordering food, I'm already at the level of anger. And I don't want your sweaty shirtless body bringing me...

Well, back up, back up. Explain this to me slower. There's going to be a sweaty shirtless man bringing me food? Bringing me chili? I need to move back to the city. I need to get back into city life. Yeah, yeah. And you know what?

The city's waiting for you. Should we chat a bit more about. A little bit of Max FunDrive business. Absolutely. Max FunDrive is the thing that we are doing. That was good. Good improv. Really good.

Yeah. I was trying to read your lips. And you did it. Did it. Really well. I'm Dave. I'm Graham. And together we're doing the Max Fun Drive break.

Guys, it's Max Fun Drive. Yeah. And what that means, well, we already explained it. It's the most wonderful time of the year. You are somebody who likes listening to this content. Presumably. Well, yeah. I mean, if this is your first time listening to an episode.

Hi, how are you? I don't like the word content. It's not like we're just stuffing something. No, no. But you know what? You like our stuffing. Thank you. Yeah.

That's better. Yeah. So what's going on right now is we're going to tell you all the things you can get. Yeah. And as we said before, if you're considering becoming a member, considering donating, head on over to MaximumFun.org Click on Donate.

It's a couple, it takes no time at all. Yeah, and you can donate at $5 a month. If you don't have a lot of money to support the show, if you really only listen, you know, you don't listen every week, fine. Or if, you know, if times't listen every week. Fine. Or if, you know, if times are tight,

there's a $5 a month level you can donate at. You can do $10, you can do $20, $35, more, whatever you want. Maybe you listen to every MaxFun show and you sort of feel like you owe it. Yeah. Then you can do

$1, thousand a month. I don't care. But if you donate at the $5 per month level, you get exclusive bonus content. What does that mean? So this year we recorded. This is like stuffing? This is extra stuffing. You get some stuffing inside the bird and a little on the side. A little stovetop.

We're having stovetop. I'm going to eat two dinners tonight. You get $5 a month. You get our bonus episode stuffing. Your bonus stuffing. Yeah, we did a bonus episode this year of where we were the card guys. We appraised people's cards. It was a lot of fun.

We pretended we knew a lot about trading cards. I think we pulled it off. Oh. I think we pulled it off. Oh, I think we pulled it off with a plume. But you also get every other show's bonus episode. And you get every other bonus episode from every other year that's ever been in a MaxFunDrive. Yeah, that's nine bonus episodes. Maybe. Yeah, maybe.

We did a few years where we did like more than one. Yeah. So get up in it. Get up in it. At the, uh, sorry, at the $10 per month level, you know what you get? What? You get an enamel pin. Cool.

The Stop Podcasting Yourself enamel pin. It's a little license plate that says bumper on it. And it also looks like the Canadian flag. Yeah. A lot. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. It's, uh, you bumper on it. And it also looks like the Canadian flag. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. You'll love it. You'll go on your jean jacket, go on your fedora.

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Now, the MaxFun Cookbook. They asked all the shows to contribute recipes. I contributed the rhubarb cordial that I make every year. Delicious. Refreshing. Refreshing. I got some in my freezer right now. I made too much last year.

I, uh, didn't contribute anything cause I, uh, I mostly just, uh, call pizza places and say, uh,

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That's two pints. And it's a beautiful, it's a clear juicer. It's clear glass. It's the kind of thing like a pizza delivery glass blower might aspire to make. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you really, really work them lips. And there's other things you can get at high. Is that what they do?

They really work the lips. Yeah, you got to blow. It must be so hard not to accidentally suck in a bunch of hot glass. Yeah, and then you made a perfect set of lung imprints in glass. And that's what the Undertaker will say. And then you move on down the line. There's $50 per month, $100 per month, $200 per month. Different things at different levels.

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maximumfund.org slash donate. Move on to some overheards. Pow-wee-wow-wee. Overheard. Overheard's a Pow-wee-wow-wee. Overheard. Overheard's. A segment in which we... Now, before we move on to Overheard's, it's time for my favorite segment.

Hey, I think our guest vapes. Here it is. Now, during the break, Darcy stepped outside. I didn't even notice the vaping happened, which is, I think. I'm a secret vapor. Yeah, I think you're supposed to. I've gotten really good at doing it on planes, even.

I hold it in my sleeve, and then I inhale, and then I hold it in my lungs long enough to have no vapor come out. Oh, wow. And then it's not scented?ented no mine's not scented or anything i'm just literally using it to quit smoking so and i don't think it's cool uh but is it working it's it's been two months today and i was i was up to two packs a day of cigarettes which is uh yeah but look listen to how sexy this voice is. Yeah, that's true. Thank you, tobacco industry. Oh, what happened to your voice? I don't know.

It's because he quit. You got to keep the... Thanks, vape industry. Well, I wish you did flavors. Mine's mint. It's Arctic Jungle. That's not a climate. Also's Arctic jungle. Uh, but, uh, also my grinder name, uh, it's cold and furry here. Uh, I don't even know what that means.

Um, I'm sorry. I don't know. I, it's hard to pick between your two personalities. I know gay guy and weed smoker. So I'm like, what kind of grinder? I don't smoke much weed anymore. I just take mushrooms all the time now. Yeah. kind of grinder? I don't smoke much weed anymore. I just take mushrooms all the time now.

Really? Yeah, no, I don't smoke much weed, which is really good for my diet and my happiness level. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I was like,

okay, like weed's gotta be, because it all, weed's always, anytime I smoke a joint, then I'm like, oh, makes me miss smoking cigarettes. So I. Cause it all, weed's always, anytime I smoke a joint, then I'm like, oh, makes me miss smoking cigarettes.

So I just switched it all for vaping and mushrooms. I am the only millennial in Ladner. It's gonna be legal soon, this marijuana. I know, that's why I think

it's so funny. Weed's finally legal and now I like mushrooms. You're out. Yeah. I'm like, nah, just like,

you know. And then once those become legal, you're out. Oh, I saw they were selling mushrooms in the grocery store the other day. Oh, Dave, it's a different, it's a whole different same thing. Four or five different kinds, I'm pretty sure. You want to get that portobello high. Oh, boy. That's my grinder name.

So, overheards. What's that? Well, you know, we will always hear things out there in the world always every week it's for sure it's for sure i've got one for sure uh and uh we always like to start with the guest okay will it will you yeah i don't know the rule like how strict you guys are we're very strict we want once chopped the guy's head off. Over red, I'll take it. Okay.

So there is a secret group on Facebook for my little community. People in Ladner have a, there's a Facebook group if you live in Ladner, but you got to live in Ladner to get accepted into this group. And people like just post, you know, job postings or whatever, like selling your couch or random things. And the other day when I was scrolling for my four minutes allotted that week for Facebook, someone had posted, Hey,

anyone missing a couple possums? They're in my backyard. And I, you know, instantly was like, Oh, that's, that's cute and funny,

whatever. An hour later, I was like, I want to see what comments someone commented going. Yeah, they're mine. Sorry. They escaped. I'll come and hour later, I was like, I want to see what comments. Someone commented going, yeah, they're mine. Sorry, they escaped. I'll come and get them. I was like, who's got possums as pets? But that was mine.

Super dumb. Yeah. I don't even know if I've seen a possum in real life. No, I guess I haven't either. No, that's. Are you guys playing possum? Yeah. My old landlord, he ate a possum that drowned in a

rain barrel on his property that's my that's my tie-in here your overheard's better than my over red uh that is like i always forget that and it's like the greatest thing about you yeah was that here yeah yeah he lived out in maple ridge and but you didn't he would come into town he would come into town to brag about eating a possum are you sure he wasn't coming from ladner because maybe yeah maybe in my mind the possum drowned on your property and he took it back and ate it no it drowned on his property and he ate it. The idea of eating a drowned anything. Yeah, I guess.

I mean. Even like a drowned lobster. I don't know how that would happen. There's something about the panic that just makes them taste so good. What was that Irwin Barker? That just instantly made me think of Irwin's bet that joke about, uh, Oh, having a, eating a bunny, uh,

like a family pet. Yeah. Be like, you can taste the trust. Uh, Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine is,

uh, I, uh, I was hanging out in one of these places where parents drop off their kids. Yeah. And pick up their kids afterwards. It's the law. Yeah. And pick up their kids afterwards. It's the law. Yeah.

And, yeah, so I was picking up the kids, and I heard this mother talking to her kid, who I guess was in a different program than my kids, because I heard her say, it's called physical exercise, and it's supposed to be tiring. Yeah, kid. So, get into it.

Maybe don't act so surprised that you're tired. Yeah. Do you like chat with these parents? Or is it just like we're just dropping off and picking up? It's usually weird that I'm a guy. Is it mostly women? It's usually weird that I'm a guy. Is it mostly women? It's mostly women. Often just a, not even a parent, a nanny.

Oh yeah. So the fact that a real dad is there, I'm. Everybody's checking you out? You know, I feel that way. Hey daddy. I feel I'm, you know, I'm shy to begin with. So. Do you just look at your phone the whole time

that was my trick with Grace oh I look at my children the whole time oh never never you would always just look at your phone

and that was yeah I would instantly if I was dropping her anywhere just look at my phone don't talk to anybody I'd pretend to talk on my phone

to Graham because I love Graham good to anybody. I'd pretend to talk on my phone. To Graham. Yeah, yeah. Graham, good to talk to you. Oh, I missed you. Yeah, I haven't been with you. Yeah, exactly. I had to pull over to talk to you. My overheard is a father-daughter situation.

is a father-daughter situation. Because I was waiting for you outside a place where auditions happen. Yeah. And today was kid day. Oh. And so it was all adorable kids auditioning. And I guess this audition didn't go well. But it was a father and daughter. And the father was saying, well, it's better than being in school.

Yeah. That's pretty good. And now you're failing in two things. School and acting. Yeah, I took you out of school for this. Wow, you are smart. You're smart enough to know that didn't go well. Maybe we should keep you in school.

Yeah, like, I mean, yeah, a kid would know kids kids have a sense of uh or do they i don't know i don't know i don't know i know a lot of comedians that don't have a sense of it that's true are you in the same room i was in uh yeah i uh i had to do an audition once with a kid, and I don't like the way that these adults talk to these kids. It's creepy. Right? Yeah, no. Stage parents, bye.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't have, yeah, it's just, it's a little too, you can, because one of the places that I go to for auditions a lot is like an acting school as well as attached. And they cast all the kid commercials and you can see the desperation in their parents' eyes when their kids are going in being, you know, like, and I get it cause it's an expensive city to live in. And it's like,

you got to bring home the bacon. Yeah. Everyone's got to, you know, like you gotta, you gotta contribute. You're seven. Do you know how much you eat?

Yeah. Oh, you better get that Go-Gurt commercial. I want you to look happy while you're eating Go-Gurt. Otherwise, you're eating nothing but Go-Gurt. That's the punishment. Now, we also have overheard scent into us from people around the world. Go-Gurt herds. So, creamy? Is that what Go-Gurt Herds. So creamy?

Is that what Go-Gurt is? Yeah, it's creamy. Is it cold also? Oh, sure, if you get it out of the fridge. Delicious. I don't know if I want warm Go-Gurt. It's a little chewier. Is Go-Gurt the one in the tube?

Yeah, it's for yogurt on the go. Yeah, yogurt on the go. Uh, yeah. Yogurt on the go. Yeah. Well, I'm just going to Google, Google gogurt. Yeah. It's in a tube. All right.

Um, uh, if you want to send us in a gogurt herd, you can, if you want to join a yogurt herd, that's like a herd of people are really into yogurt. Um, well, you were the one that said go-gurt hurt. Yeah, but that was good. You can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Alicia W. from Orillia. Saw this on a scissor lift. We were renting for a job. What'd you call me?

It's supposed to say your rent, but, uh, somebody scratched out certain parts of the word rents. Uh-huh. And, uh, it says,

uh, your penis. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's part of, yeah. That's part of the word. Um,

so that's, uh, that's just a good, good graffito. Your rents. Your, you are rents. Your rents. Your rents. You are rents. Your rents.

Your rents. Go Gert. Go Gert Herd. Yogurt Herd. Go Gert Penis. What? Yes. Your penis.

This next one comes from Angie J. Salem, Oregon. Which? Wrong Salem. Salem, Oregon. Which? Wrong Salem. Oh, no. This was sitting behind a middle-aged couple. Somewhat surprisingly, they were discussing the Civil War. Everything was going fine until they got to the topic of the Underground Railroad and the famous woman who ran it.

They just could not remember her name. After a long pause while they thought and thought, the man finally said that he had it and proudly announced, Helen Keller. I really wanted it to be Oprah. I really did. Helen Keller. Yes, that was it. Close enough. wanted it to be Oprah. Yeah. I really did. Helen. Kelly. Yes, that was it. Close. Enough.

And to this day, she's never spoken about it. I'm going to sound dumb. Who ran it? Harriet Tubman. Tubman, right. Oh, yeah. I thought she invented the bathtub. Yeah, she was like Thomas Edison.

Lots of inventions. We don't learn, we don't learn any of that stuff here. Civil War? Yeah. No, we don't.

And I've picked it up mostly, I watched a couple episodes of Ken Burns. Oh, sure. And, and then just pop culture.

You were telling me off the air that you wish the South had won those. Well, no, I said they'll rise again. That's different. I have to go

um this last one comes from brooke from london england um an overheard from a friend of mine from about 15 years ago this is a good vintage yeah i think but let's think 2003, where were we in Von Dutch? Yeah, I was wearing, I was wearing a whale tail. Oh, sure.

Wearing low ride pants. Uh, this is, uh, they were playing a pickup game of softball on a public field. Someone hit a long fly ball. And at the very moment, some guy was riding his bike past them in that same

direction, they watched the ball going in his direction and all shouted, Look out! And whatnot. He kept riding and the ball came back down and hit him square in the back. He didn't fall off or even stop his bike, but they heard him scream as he kept on riding.

Oh, what are the chances? What? as he kept on writing, Oh, what are the chances? That's pretty good. I like that. I like the visual. Yeah.

That was well written. What are the chances? That's just someone that's just done. The odds are this. My life is this shitty. If that happened today, it would hit him in the back while he's on his bike and just ruin someone's takeout noodles that he's delivering. That's like one of those sliding door moments, though, you know, like where you think like everything had to line up in that dude's day perfectly for him to be riding the bike like i have this light in latiner i call the butterfly effect light every day i'm walking towards it and i have to cross the street uh at

that light and it always changes when i'm still like 30 steps away. So if I want to cross, I have to like hurry and run. And I always am like, no, screw you, Butterfly Effect. You are not choosing how my day is going. And then I always think like I could be Gwyneth Paltrow if I ran and crossed the street then. Like my life could be totally different. They should make a version of Sliding Doors with me in a light and laughter.

With the Butter butterfly effect cast. Is she in Sliding Doors, does she have two different colors of hair? Or is she blonde in both scenarios? Well, if I caught this one train, I would be a redhead. And a brunette. Just so that you could tell which story you were watching.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen it. No, me neither. I confess. I was too busy watching duets. Strong, strong performance.

I was looking up Huey Lewis in the news, and it was just a list of... Maybe I was looking up Gwyneth Paltrow. Anyway. Anyways, the sweet spot there. The sweet spot is duets. And I was like, why are there so why did Huey Lewis had all these top ten hits and then 20 years went by and he had another one.

What's this song? And I clicked on it and it was the one he did with Gwyneth Paltrow. Cruisin'? I think it was Cruisin'. think it was cruising yeah yeah i think so sliding goop sliding goop bounce did you guys get into my mushrooms? Portobello. Shiitake. A third button. White. Criminy.

Cream of. Cream of. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, it's no crime. What you got to do, you open up your own phone. You open up your own phone. You open up your own phone. Yeah.

And you put in these numbers. Darcy does it all the time. He loves talking on the phone. It's nothing new to him. I'm going to call right now and give a better overheard from the one I brought to the table today. Let's see if that happens. 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-BIPOD-1 like these people have.

Hi, this is Joyce calling with an overheard. Hi, Dave. Hi, Graham. Hi, special guest. My overheard is this is an oldie but goodie, and it's not really mine. It's my husband's, but it's just amazing. This is from about, I don't, and it's not really mine. It's my husband's, but it's just amazing. This is from about, I don't know, 18, 19 years ago,

early days of cell phones and headphones. My husband was walking past people standing in a line, and a woman, this is the very first time he saw somebody talking to their phone through headphones. So this woman appeared to look right at him and make eye contact with him. And she said, I really wanted to help her, but I didn't know how to say yeast infection in Spanish. How would you say it? Oh, boy.

I don't know any Spanish. No, neither do I. Well, trabajo trabajo i know that that's work that's work necesito trabajo i need work um nope neither of those are gonna cover it yeast infection are you like i mean you came to the right place. Because we're both, we're three guys. We're Spanish. We get it. We speak, we know speak Spanish. But we do like talking on the phone with headphones.

So that was a nice time. Yeah. Thought that would be enough? No. No. Here's your next phone call. Hello, Dave, Graham, and presumably a guest. I have an overheard of the kids' Save the Darnedest Friday,

and I drive for Uber, and I was driving this nice family to a dinner party, and the mom said, oh, the kids are salty today, and the middle child in the backseat just says, I'm not salty, mother. I am a proper

little boy. I am... My behavior is beyond reproach. I'm a proper little boy. Calling your mom mother really is like... That's right out of the

pants. That's her mother that's her calling you oh my god i never put that together yeah i'm so dumb but if you call your own mother mother it's real like you're mad exactly like her calling you all three names i was gonna say with your middle name or if you can call your mother by her first name then it's oh i would never that's all i do with my parents for the record really yeah i've always called them i like since i was a teenager i just call them by their first names they're chummy yeah they're buddy well his dad's name is chummy it is it is it was easy my my dad's name is chumley i didn't know that chum from Pawn Stars is my dad. That does really make sense because you know a lot of stuff about artifacts.

Chumlee's the dumb one. Oh, is he? But does he? He sometimes, he goes. He doesn't know anything about anything. Doesn't he know a guy, though? This is your father you're talking about like this. Yeah, this is your dad, Chumlee.

No, Chumlee is not the one who knows anything. Chumlee is comic relief? Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave Graham, possible guest. I go to a public high school, so there's a lot of weed going on. Yeah. And on the bus, I overheard two dudes talking behind me one asks to two

oh dude are you high right now who's your provider and a little moment of pause happens and after a couple seconds he says uh Verizon was that written was that from like a a the cartoon in high times magazine

also how old is that high school student calling in he sounded like he was pushing 40 oh really no no maybe no he was a squeaker squeaker yeah didn't you sound like an adult? I've always sounded like this. I've smoked since I was eight. No. Really? No. Well, I don't know. Some people have.

I started when I was 13. You used to smoke. How old were you? I started when I was 50. Yeah. A late bloomer. Late bloomer. And I'm going to start soon. Yeah, soon.

Real soon. What's your brand? Oh, Verizon. Yeah, because as soon as I went through puberty, I was always getting confused for my dad on the phone. You'd pick up the phone, and then somebody would just start talking to you, talking business. Someone would call me, and they'd be like, I've got this antique sword.

They'd be like, I'm the this antique sword. I'd be like, I'm the dumb one. I'm the dumb one's son. Well, that brings us to the end of this, the second week of the MaxFunDrive podcast. This is the last time

you'll ever hear us mention it this year. Yeah. But yeah, if you're a donor, thank you very much. We would love you to donate year. Yeah. But, yeah, if you're a donor, thank you very much. We would love you to donate more. Yeah. If you're not,

now's the time. I'm going right now to MaximumFun.org slash donate. Well, I'm glad the message has gotten through. It's really just like, if we reach one person in the room, then we did our job. Yeah. MaximumFun.org slash donate. We appreciate everything job. We did our job. Yeah. Maximumfun.org slash donate.

We appreciate everything you guys do for us. And yeah, if you love the show, it's time to support it. Yeah. And guys, Darcy. What up? What would you like to plug here? Oh, I would like to plug Maximumfun.org

slash donate. Because you guys are awesome. Go to Crave TV as well. Yeah. That's Canada only, isn't it? Oh, Canada only for now. Can anyone else get it? No, but, you know, Facebook me.

I'll just call you and tell you the jokes. Well, I'm just cleaning out a litter box. What's up? You can go to iTunes. There's some stuff on there. Darcy Michael. Yeah, Family Highs. Family Highs.

What's up? It's basically the same thing as Darcy Michael Goes to Church. Is the cover? What's the cover of Family Highs? The cover is the family ties. That's what I thought. And then we photoshopped my face from all different ages. It's actually

my favorite thing about the album. It's just the cover. Oh, it's all you. It's all me. I asked my mom to send me a bunch of photos

when I was a kid and we just photoshopped it in there. It's really fun. I'm sure one day if I'm successful I will get sued by whoever

actually owns the image. Ubu. Ubu, man. Ubu. Sit, Ubu. Sit. I'm sure, I will get sued by whoever actually owns the image. Ubu. Ubu, man. Ubu. Yeah. Sit, Ubu. Sit. I'm sure Ubu's been put down by them.

It's pretty great. Yeah. That was Tom Belding, really fantastic photographer that did all that. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks, guys. This is before Brian Bonsal was in the cast. Is that how you pronounce his name? How do you remember this shit?

This was when they added the kid. And there's no Nick. Yeah, right. Did Nick ever make it into the family portrait? Or would they just put a photo of him in the corner? He was in Playgirls. Playgirls? Playgirl.

What? I don't know why I make that so funny. Playgirls? Yeah. Well, I was going to say he was in Playgirl I don't know why I think that's so funny Playgirls? I was going to say he was in Playgirl but I had no so so it was just Playgirls and now I'm the guy who thinks Playgirl is Playgirls magazine

Ladies have at it Well thank you for listening Thank you for supporting the show. And if you like the show, tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.