Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 531 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk about winning a Juno Award, art galleries, and motorcades.

Hello listeners, especially listeners in Ontario. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is your time to shine and our time to shine amongst you. We are going to be doing two live Stop Podcasting Yourself shows in Ottawa and Toronto on June 28th and June 30th. This is our capitals only tour. Yeah, capital of the country, capital of the province. So, you know what? This is your chance capital of the province. So you know what? This is your chance to see us live. And you know what?

If you haven't seen us live, we're kind of like Kiss. Like you got, it's a spectacle. Yeah, it's a psycho circus is what it is. Welcome to the show. Head over to stoppodcastingyourself.com. And on today's episode post, we will put links to where you can get tickets. See you then. You better show up, Ontario.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 531 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man who's got a pie waiting for him upstairs.

I saw he came in with an armload of ice cream. He is ready for a night in. Mr. Dave Shumka. armload of ice cream he is ready for he is ready for a night in mr dave shovka uh yeah i was uh confronted with uh you were standing on my porch uh with uh well uh former max fun producer julia smith is visiting vancouver and you had just had coffee with her and the both of you saw me at my both dave at peak day yeah coming into my house with two liters of ice cream how long two liters last in this house i mean vanilla yeah well last as long as i have something to accompany it okay all right like i'll you know i'm not just gonna go ahead and eat a bowl of vanilla by itself Like, I'm not just going to go ahead and eat a bowl of vanilla by itself.

If you're in the hospital. What's that in gallons? That's half a gallon. Half. And the reason he's asking that is because he's all over America. The next time you can see this act, he'll be at the Wanda Fuca Festival in Port Angeles. That's right. Washington.

Yeah, Washington. Not in Port Angeles, in In every state A very funny comedian Favorite guest here On the podcast Mr. Ivan Decker Oh thank you So sweet It's so nice to be back

It is so sweet It is so sweet Yeah We're a real couple Sweethearts Yeah You look fantastic Thanks

Both of you Oh you too Thanks Nice sweater We're accidentally Wearing the same T-shirt Hey accidentally But, but great.

Yeah. Still great. Pretty great. Pretty fun. Wish we'd planned it almost. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, it's better when these things just happen, right?

Are you, why the sweater? Are you fighting the spring? Uh, yeah. I'm very resistant to spring. Are you a winter baby? Uh, I am. I was born in November, which is French for November.

I don't know. I don't know why I'm wearing a sweater, guys. No, it's fine. It's fine. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. I was wearing a suit earlier that was very hot. I had to wear a suit for this audition and then it was like I was extremely sweaty. Were you auditioning for suits? Yeah earlier that was very hot. I had to wear a suit for this audition, and then it was like, I was extremely sweaty.

Were you auditioning for suits? Yeah, it was just suits. Suits just in general. There wasn't even people there. It was just a bunch of suits on mannequins, and they made me go out in front of them. They were like, I'm like you. And they were like, no, you're not. Your arms bend.

I didn't mean to pick on you for your stylistic choices. I just mean like it was too cold for a long time and then one day it was just too hot. We had one or two days in the middle where it was like, I can wear a sweater, a light sweater. I got caught out in that hot day too, wearing layers

and I was like, boy, I feel like such a chump. My temperatures have been all over the map. And Los Angeles is also crazy because like it i forget it's a desert so at night it's cold and i'll just go out in like a t-shirt so you you'll be fine and then i'm freezing you live in los angeles now i do which is different from port angeles different port angeles very important distinction yeah um you just moved there. I did. It's kind of exciting. How so?

Go ahead. I'm getting used to traffic. And then also, the reason why I had the gallons question is because I'm just very confused all the time about Fahrenheit and gallons and miles an hour. And everything's, I can't do it. I thought I'd be able to do it. And I'm just so lost what kind of speed limit we're talking about

down there I think it's like 55 from the Van Halen song that's the only way I know oh boy you're in trouble it's solo Sammy Hagar

oh my god you have to do a lot of conversions in your head you're like it's Van Halen it's Sammy Hagar yeah in Canada

it's Van Halen what's 5150 in Hagar? Well, do you run into a lot? Like, we were actually talking about this last week. Which? Like, mostly the fact that Canadians still just don't know what our heights are in centimeters. I think it's 183.

Oh, no. Hey, big boy centimeters. I think it's 183. Oh, no. Hey, big boy. But I think that's like, that's six feet. That's a very safe. 183. 183 is, just say 183 no matter what. 183 centimeters seems like not a lot. It's a meter and a bit more.

A lot more. Like 83 centimeters. Wait, is it 100 centimeters a meter? Yeah. Yeah, okay. It's sort of the whole basis. I was thinking of decameters. Oh, is it 100 centimeters a meter? Yeah. Yeah, okay. It's sort of the whole basis. I was thinking of decameters. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Nobody has ever used a decameter. We did when we had to learn it in stupid math class. Yeah, we definitely had. Is there deca and deci meters? No, I think. Wait, maybe there is. Yeah, because there's a D on either side of that weird letter thing. It's like there's the middle, just yeah and then like kilos at that i think deci is a kilo doesn't come from a meter

no matter how many meters it never gets to a kilo but when you say kilo you're talking about grams but that's because it's an abbreved version of kilogram what's a brief debriefed yeah because isn't kilo is kilograms kilometers kilo yeah yeah kilometers kilowatt yeah kilometers kilometers in case you get a lot of milk yeah yeah kilobytes but then computers it's very small yeah yeah i mean we i mean i'd love if i was you know a gig a gigameter tall so you're going in the supermarket you don't know how much milk you're buying you have no idea how much orange juice you have you pick up a gallon you're like how much milk is in here i don't know my whole object permanence is gone. I'm like, what size are things? Yeah, it's very confusing. I keep

picking up pumpkins being like, how much are these orange apples? So you've got an apartment down there? I do, yeah. All to yourself no less. Oh boy. Yeah, but it's funny because I still don't have any I don't have a driver's license or like any ID to like prove that I live there. So even like I was having problems with my mail and I had to go to the post office and

be like, yeah, I'm not getting my mail. And they're like, what's your address? And I told them, they're like, Hmm, it doesn't say you live there. And I'm like, well, cause I just. Well, just send it to the guy that used to live there. Yeah. Care of. It's just a lot of that. A lot of like, ah, because I just... Well, just send it to the guy that used to live there. Yeah. Care of... It's just a lot of that.

A lot of like, you're not in the system. Because like when you... If you weren't born there, like I just started existing. So it's just like everybody I talk to is just... So all your crimes that you did up here, they don't apply down there. No crimes, no credit. That's what they say when you move down. Leave your crimes and credit behind and come to the land of zero.

Wow. Cool. Yeah. Pretty fun to be back to zero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can sculpt a whole new you. Exactly. Yeah.

Sculpt one? Yeah, yeah. Right now he's just a lump of clay in the States. Yeah, he's like, oh boy, I would say 40 kilograms of clay in the states yeah he's like oh boy i would say uh 40 kilograms of clay yeah i would say like yeah no roughly i don't know 100 deciliters 183 centimeters of clay decker liters did you know that one oh boy i'm gonna get this wrong and it's a funny way to start a fact too. Did you know that one, uh oh. One liter of milk weighs one kilogram?

Yeah. And water as well. I think water is the basis for it. No, it's based on milk. This is based on Louis Pasteur's studies. He didn't even know what water was, that guy. And there's other ways they know that it's all... Yeah, it's like there's some volume stuff.

I know what you mean. There's like a cubic centimeter, ziziliter. And like one calorie of energy will raise it one degree Celsius. Yeah, that's for water, I think. It's all water, baby. Water, baby. Very common thing. So you're living in L.A.

Since you were last on, you were on the Conan O'Brien television hour. Yes, the Conan O'Brien television hour. Half hour soon. Oh, yeah, half hour soon. Thanks to Ivan. It's true. They saw my set. They're like, all right, we don't need stand-ups anymore.

And something really neat Kevin Banner, past past guest kevin banner showed me is you you know on a twitter there's like different gifs or gifs i guess that uh that say like they'll they'll be like a captured thing from oh sure something and then they'll say stop it or you know you there and you're a couple of those from your conan set yeah on twitter you're you're a gif it's crazy i made it into the gif world yeah yeah yeah i mean i don't know you're the first guy i know who's been in the gif world pretty good yeah pretty good i guess what do you got you got stop it was one of them yeah stop it right now and then one of them is like i think my whole it's like the whole grocery joke it's a lot of sentences i'm like this is too many

for a gift who are the other big gift celebrities uh you know like our judge from rupaul's drag race yeah on one i feel like the the thing that uh tyra bank said we're very disappointed in that that thing i'm very disappointed in you we're all rooting for you we're all rooting for you that one michael jackson eating popcorn from the thriller yeah that's a big gift very disappointed in you. We were all rooting for you. Michael Jackson eating popcorn from the Thriller. Yeah, that's a big gif. Throw that in a thread. Shia LaBeouf applauding. Yeah.

Shia LaBeouf applauding? It's taken. Oh, did he make a bunch of his own gifs? Probably. Is it on a green screen? It's him sitting in a theater audience and he's applauding. Is that James Franco? Maybe.

It might be. They're all in the same subset of, am I an artist? Yeah. I can't wait until we can communicate solely in GIFs. It's coming, buddy. It's almost there. If you look at the at mentions of a heavy tweet, that's what I call a tweet that's got a lot of... Heavy tweet. It's got a lot of stank on it. A good name for a textbook that you're reading about the history of communication would be

from glyphs to gifs. From glyphs to gifs. Oh, boy. Somebody write that. Yeah. Just for the title. Yeah, from glyphs to gifs. All right.

Hurry up and buy glyphstogifs.com. Quick. Before this comes out. So what was it like to be on the television show? Very nerve-wracking. Like, totally crazy. And also, it's just one of those things where it's like, you know, it's comedy at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The best time.

Which is the one thing that, like, everybody talks about. Like, well, it's the afternoon. But, I mean, I don't know. I think it was still. I was on at the end of the show, which is also nerve wracking because I'm watching like the guests come out and like,

Yeah, but you knew, you had to have known that. You've never seen a stand up open and coming. Yeah, I know, I know,

I know. I know, but I thought, but sometimes they do like, they'll tape the stand up earlier. Oh, yeah.

And then, or like, some of the shows, like I think Kimmel, they'll just tape a bunch of stand ups on one day and then just plug them in to whatever episode that it works for. And so i didn't know when they shot my craig

ferguson they did that yeah i didn't know that they were gonna do and it was never on craig ferguson but that's believable yeah yeah very yeah yeah absolutely uh but they just run it live they just do the whole thing like in the order that they do it and uh yeah it, yeah, it was very cool. And, uh, it was like a real kind of, cause I've done just for laughs and stuff like that. And they, they give you like, you know,

you're just waiting by the side of the stage and there's not really anything like before you go up, you can kind of do whatever you want. And then someone will come and be like, Oh, you're ready. Okay, good. But whereas like with Conan,

I was in my dressing room and then they were like, okay, are you ready to go on? Okay, we're going to bring you on right now. And so you just go like down a little hallway and then like through the curtain, then you're on,

there's no like stand by the side of the stage and wait a second and like do a thing. I was just like walking, walking, walking. What thing do you want to do? Well, I just want to like take a minute to think about what my opening joke is.

You get a little mirror and say, it's really happening. Yeah. Yeah. Ivan, this is what it's all come come down to pull out one of those little makeup mirrors and then examine your vagina yeah or do like you know at the beginning of uh walk the line you know he remembers his whole life before he goes up oh yeah i think a lot about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were your palms sweaty? Knees weak? Mom's spaghetti. Fully. Full on mom's spaghetti. Man, you freestyled this. Right? I was, yeah, I didn't even think about or have to send in the set ahead of time.

They were just like, yeah, whatever you want. Yeah, we trust you. You know what, make it up on the spot. We're actually gonna have another guy come out and dis you yes, and you can see Andy Richter's gonna roast yeah, and then you gotta come out there is a part like when I came out when I first walked out Everybody stood up because they gave me like a really nice Intro they said like I was on this Comics to watch at the New York Comedy Festival and he's like he's making his American television debut tonight up because they gave me like a really nice uh intro they said like i was on this uh comics to watch at the new york comedy festival and he's like he's making his american television debut

tonight and so i think the way he said it the audience was just like oh and so they all stood up and gave me a standing ovation when i first oh wow so i was very like kind of shocked and also touched and i was like i have to do a thing please yeah yeah this guy's a 9-11 first responder. Yeah, yeah. He helped Sully land that plane on the Hudson. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, it was very, very nice, very touching. And then I got to my first, there was also like an unexpected applause break in the middle of the set

when I was doing my running joke. And then I remember thinking in my head, like, oh, I'm like just pausing while they're clapping. And I was like, I joke, and then I remember thinking in my head, like, oh, I'm just pausing while they're clapping, and I was like, I should say thank you. I was like, don't say thank you. But then what ended up coming out was just a very quiet thank you into the mic that no one can hear unless you watch it. But if you watch the clip and then turn the volume up

after the first of us, you can hear me whisper into the mic, thank you. Or if you gif it and you write thank you really tiny it's really tiny i think kevin sent me that like he cut that out of the youtube video and then sent me a photo of like i do a weird thing with my mouth i'm like thank you uh continue the joke oh yeah i didn't know you were i knew your gifts i didn't know you're on youtube also yes and like, is there like a giant countdown clock

or something? Like, because you got to, I imagine that like, you got to step to time. Yeah, they have a guy, they got a guy

with like cards. Everything's very like non-digital and old school. And it's also weird because the audience is, on your left, like I think it's very funny if you watch Conan tapes

and you, if you look for it, you'll see a lot of people look left. Because on your left, the audience is right there. But'll see a lot of people look left because on your left, the audience is right there, but on your right, you're standing kind of on the left side of the stage.

So the audience is sort of spread in this horseshoe pattern, much like audiences, but in between you and the rest of the audience, like ahead of you and to the right are all like cameras, PA people. There's like a podium, like it's very sort of separate. There's like a boom camera in the way and like microphones.

So you kind of have to play like through that stuff. So people really have a tendency to play to the audience that they can see and is very close to them, which is on the left-hand side. But I tried to make sure that I like looked to the left and then off to the right and then did some stuff like straight ahead is like a... Everyone I talked to said your eye work was really good.

Oh, good eye work. Yeah, that's what's important, I think. And there's a guy with cards like two minutes left card yeah he had this colored cards i think it was like he'll throw up a red like uh on the debate when that uh applause break is happening you're like oh damn it this is taking time away this is eating into my uh yeah well i was very paranoid about going over that I went, I think I went 20 seconds under. It's just so hard to nail a set down to the second. Hard to nail anything. Nails.

A touchdown. Yeah. First kiss. What are the things you nail? You know, like a sweet backflip. Yeah, yeah. A pop of wheelie even. Yeah, a pop of wheelie.

Remember when you were a kid and you tried to do those? You're like, I can do it. And you just pull your front tire off the ground for half a second. I'm doing it. I'm popping wheelies. And everybody's like, what is that? You look crazy. Did you ever pop a wheelie?

Yeah. Really? Well, as a kid, I used to ride fun BMX. And that's where you like pull up on the handlebars, but then push down on the pedal at the same time. So then, which is, and if you can keep pedaling, it's called a catwalk. Cool. Yeah. I never, never got past the, just jerking it off the ground.

Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. Yeah. Nailed it. Graham, you nailed it. Um, that's it.

And then like, did you have people with you backstage or were you just in the back backstage pacing? No, I had a couple of people, but I was kind of like in, like my manager was there and then, a couple of friends came and, uh,

like Dino Archie came down there. So he was hanging out. And Kevi was there. And Brandy from Just Flask Northwest. You had a whole crew in there. Yeah, they were kind of hanging out eating red velvet cupcakes. Oh, was it hangers on? Yeah.

There's always a lot of barnacles. Oh, yeah. So many barnacles. No, they were all very sweet and nice. I just kind of went, because there's like a central backstage room with like couches that has a TV that's like showing the episode. And then there's also like the dressing rooms, which is kind of off to the side. Who are the other guests?

Yeah, yeah. It was Angie Kinsey and Rainn Wilson, both from the office. Oh, fun. Yeah. So they were both very funny and like they kind of went up before. And Rainn Wilson came up to me afterwards and was like, oh, that was really great. I was like, you didn't have to do that. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. You're great. What's Oscar Nunez really like? Yeah, yeah. You still the guy operating SoulPancake? I don't know why I still follow SoulPancake on Twitter. What is SoulPancake?

It's like inspirational quotes, I guess. Like, be the best you, and he started it. He started it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He started inspiring. Yeah, and we didn't start the inspire. I follow, I think, a couple of, there's like a math one that I follow called Fermat's Library. It just has like weird math equations that I don't understand.

Oof. Two hearts. And also there's one that's like the poem Howl that's just retweeted sentence by sentence in a row over and over again. I follow Glyphs to Gifts by History of Communication in 140 characters times two now. I do follow one that's an update, like, that every week the person will compile the week's events into We Didn't Start the Fire format. Oh, that's the best. It's the updated. That's amazing.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Not the full eight verses. No, just like A new chunk That would Follow from that week Can't wait to see What happens from

This week's news stories Yeah It'll be great Yeah Something about Trump Probably Nuclear deal Something about that

Well this is coming out In a couple weeks So probably something About Trump Yeah probably I don't know I feel like he's Really cooled off lately

That's true He'll come back And do something He's really cooled off lately. That's true. He'll come back and do something. He's really cooled his jets. I don't like it. I liked him the way he was. Yeah. Speaking of his mind. Yeah.

Yeah. Now, Ivan, also since you were last here, you won a Juno Award. Yes. The first ever, well, the first in 30 some odd years yeah the only other people were bob and doug mckenzie so this is this is the canadian version of the grammys or the equivalent and for three decades they didn't give a comedy award yeah and they did in the late 84 i think was the last one so the the other three recipients i I think, were Bob and Doug McKenzie, Royal Canadian Air Force. Rich Little.

And Rich Little. Yeah. Rich Littles. Rich Little, much like I'm sure Kendrick winning the Juno, probably did not appear to receive the award. Is Rich Little not Canadian? Is he not? No, yeah, Rich Little is Canadian. Yeah.

Oh, I'm thinking of Little Richard. Yes. Yes. Who wouldn't have won a comedy award because he's just outrageous and not actually funny okay yeah no rich you're thinking like no that yeah that's what i'm is that not rich little little is a impersonator impressionist and he won the juno for Juno for Christmas Carol where he's a bunch of different. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's pretty good. Where he was like John Wayne. I'm guessing. Tiny Tim is John Wayne. So basically in 1981, the width and breadth of impressions people did was John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart. Nicholson, probably. No, I think this was before Nicholson was like a character. Like Jimmy Stewart.

Oh, yeah. Jimmy Stewart. John F. Kennedy. Oh, sure. Peter Lorre. Oh, yeah. Oh, who's the... There's like a British actor that i only know from impressions oh

i'll remember his name the guy that played obi-wan kenobi yeah ala guinness yeah ala guinness is that it no it's james something oh i know him it's like james naismith the basketball guy yeah it's oh i know who you're talking about yeah And it's, I only know him from impressions. I haven't seen any old movies, so I don't know. And then like, there's ones that are like, uh, he would do like Lawrence Olivier and you'd be like,

yeah, maybe. I think he, to being a great impressionist is just do, I want to be an impressions, but just do impressions of like my family members. You'll be like, wow,

that's a spot onon cousin carol that's a great matthew uh this is what my dad's like ah hey get down here whoa have you seen his dad he does a great dad but yeah there was a a good 24 year uh absence. 33 years. 33 years. Yeah. Of no, and then you won it. I know. It's largely in part to your campaign,

which was there. Oh, I didn't do anything. Oh, you were pointing at Graham? Yeah. Graham was involved in the process of bringing back the award, which I was very pleased to receive. And it was here in Vancouver.

You got to win in your hometown. Yeah, very cool. This was on the Saturday night, not the broadcast night. Yeah, they give away a ton. It's where the broadcast night is all about performances, and they give away like five awards. And what other awards were being given out on your night? like five awards.

And what other awards were being given out on your night? I was sandwiched between Best Christian Gospel Group and Best Classical Smaller Than Six Piece Orchestra Group

album. Oh, who won? Yeah, who won each of those? Well, the classical, as you can imagine, a very wormy white boy. Yeah, wormy white boy. He was my favorite to win.

The classical one, I'm like, I mean, these are really, Johann Sebastian Bach is the person that should be winning this. Oh, and somebody ran up and took the mic away and said, I'm going to let you finish. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to let you finish. But Beethoven had the greatest symphony number nine of all time. His ninth? Don't even touch his ninth!

Now, did you get... What do you think they would abbreviate Beethoven to? Beatty? Tovey? Toven. Amadeus? Yeah, Amadeus. Yeah.

Wolfgang? Wolfie. Wolf Wolfgang Wolfie Wolfie Wolfie Maz Did you get Did you wear Like an outfit That you've only worn once

Or did you just wear No I bought a tuxedo Very exciting With question marks all over it Yes I'm hoping That they reboot The Riddler as a villain

and film it here and audition people who've never acted before. And winning a musical album award for comedy is a huge part of the audition process. I'm hoping that's the main category they're looking for. Yeah. I mean, it's long. Has anybody won an award that hasn't been around in a long time? This guy.

I've already got the tux. It is funny when you go to an audition and you think that people are really going to be like, well, I think you do a bit about that, right? About people dressing up as the thing. And it's like, you know, they got a whole costume department. You think it's going to ease in the chances of like, I've already got this stuff. you think it's going to ease in the chances of like, ah,

I've already got this stuff. Yeah. Or just like that. The, the casting director has no imagination. Yeah. Like, well, I couldn't see him as a cowboy.

He was wearing a San Francisco 49ers. I mean, I mean like 49ers are related to the gold rush, which is, you know, sort of, you know, parallels with

the cowboy that's why I wore the jersey but it's not quite cowboy it's close it's not a prospect I wasn't casting

a prospector maybe if it was Adele's cowboy's jersey now you were on an audition today what was it for oh it was it was like

I do I get a lot of these like street host auditions for like a guy on the street who comes up to you and is like, Hey, what's that soda you're drinking?

I bet you wish it was this. And it's a lot of like, they don't give you lines. They're like, just kind of riff and just have fun with it. That's my favorite when they give you like, okay, we'll just do another one and just really, really have a good time with. Cut, cut. They want me to mime a bird flying by. And they're like, just have a lot of fun with the bird. Like this imaginary bird that's flying overhead.

Oh, they're not asking you to pretend to be a bird. No, but like have a lot of fun watching the bird. Put your finger up, maybe it'll land on it. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't. Oh, I got some salmonella from you. Maybe it'll land on it.

Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't. Oh, I got new salmonella from you. Even those type of things, you see you're just making up the person that you're talking to as well? No, sometimes they'll have a reader. They'll have someone that you have to improv with,

which is also like a weird thing to do because if you have somebody who's not very good, like they'll just pull in sometimes like two actors, be like, okay, you and you and you you're gonna be the guy you're the other guy go and then you just have to like rush with this person and sometimes they're like super nervous and weird didn't you do one where you were driving around in a bumper car yeah yeah yeah yeah that was uh the most fun commercial i've ever done because it was just like they built a bumper car that was electric powered that didn't have to be attached to anything and then i got to just like drive it around the city and take it to

fancy hotels and get them to valet it and just like yell and be crazy and did people get in it with you yeah i was like pulling up to people and be like you want a ride to work except it was like a very like not powerful motor yeah i i saw kyle bottom walking his dog he just happened to be around where we were filming and I pulled up to him like, get in! And then because we're both adults, it was like, like so slow. Was this

like street legal? I think we got in trouble with the city because they got, like we drove it through the mall and they got upset. And the original commercial, it's funny because, like, the whole commercial. What's the commercial for? It was for Playland, but it was based around the idea that Vancouver's a no fun city.

It's like, no fun city? No way. And then the city was like, hey, take that ad down. We can't show you driving in a mall. And they had to pull the ad because it was a no fun city. We're trying to market our campaign, No Fun City. Yeah, No Fun City, yes way.

Turn that off. Put that down. Not in here, the Vancouver story. So you've actually landed things that you've auditioned for. No, that one I didn't even audition for. That was the thing. I was actually on the bumper cars that day.

They just saw me doing stand-up and they were like, that guy. And then I booked it. Everything that I've ever auditioned for, I blow it because I get way too nervous in the audition room. This role could change everything for you. Yeah, exactly. That's how I enter every audition. I'm always like, here we go. My new life starts today.

I say that to myself right before. Just as you're walking in. I really build it up. I say it loud enough that they can kind of hear it. Like, what did I just say? They just catch the end of it today. Yeah, I'm like, here we go. This one's for all the marbles.

They're like, what? Nothing? I work next to an audition casting agent studio. Oh, no. And sometimes I'll run into people I know. And I think they just assume I'm auditioning. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, why else would I be in this building?

And they must think, oh, Dave is such a good attitude. He doesn't seem nervous at all as he walks past the casting agency. You're probably psyching so many people out. Yeah, probably. They see you and they're like oh he's gonna get it yeah he's so calm he's got a two liter

thing of ice cream he doesn't even care that he walked into the wrong office he's just on a computer doing stuff oh man yeah I can't

I can't it's I don't get nervous around them but I also if they say you have to memorize a thing, then I'm like, huh, huh. That's what I get nervous about. I'm like, I'm never going to be able to say these four sentences.

Yeah. And I'll say them like when I'm trying to learn them. I'll say the line and then I'll look down and I'll be like, wow, I really changed everything about that one. Yeah. Every word is different somehow. Show me the purple paint. Pass me the brown taffy. What?

I'm sorry, is this not a taffy commercial? No, it's a drama about purple paint. About how they painted a mural. I really wanted to see

the purple. Show me the purple paint. It's his catchphrase. Dave, what's going on with you, man? I wanted to ask you more about the Juno Awards. Oh, sure. So you haven't gotten your final Juno Award. Yeah, I don't have the statuette. Did you make a speech?

I got to do a little speech. I kept it short because it was all musicians. I'm like, you're not going to know what the hell I'm talking about. But like, the guy after you doesn't like, no one cares what, you know, Christian gospel guy was going to say. Yeah, Wormy Williams or whatever. Yeah, Wormy Classical Boy. Yeah. Who you're like, yeah, that guy for sure looks like he knows classical music.

Yeah, he goes up there. He's got, he's holding a, I was going to say he's holding a skull in one hand. That's not classical music. That's Shakespeare. He's got a crossbow. You know how they play those. But like, it's at one of these ceremonies, it's not, if it's not televised, no one cares about anything but themselves.

Yeah. It was streamed live, so I think a couple people watched the thing. You'd be wrong. Was it free booze? Yeah. It was free Jackson Triggs wine, which I drank so much of. I was like, I don't think I'm ever going to drink white wine again in my life. There was a picture of you throwing your award up in the air. At the time, I was like, Ivan,'t think I'm ever going to drink white wine again in my life. There was a picture of you throwing your award up in the air.

And at the time, I was like, Ivan, what the hell are you doing? Well, that was one of those because they like, basically when you win, you go on stage and then they're like, hey, you won. Congrats. And they bring you backstage. And then you do immediately like three or four interviews. They take photos from like, what's that famous like stock photo company? Getty?

Getty Images. Oh, Getty was there. It was Canadian Press Images there. Some, yes, I think Canadian Press was there. I did CBC.

So you just do these quick and then you do like a like a press conference. Like it's a room full of reporters and you got to stand up at the front and then there's like

question over here, over here, over here and they just ask you all the stuff and then they send you to like a photo room and then you like give you over here over here over here and they just ask you all the stuff and then they send you to like a photo room and then you like give you a fake Juno

you just more photos of like and then yeah one of the guys is like throw it in the air and I was like are you serious and he's like

yeah you're a comedian I was like okay and that's when I learned you won for basketball right don't listen to photographers you never listen to photographers that you don't know

but also it was not your Juno so yeah exactly it was like a practice one Don't listen to photographers that you don't know. But also, it was not your Juno. Yeah, exactly. It was like a practice one. There was like five sitting there. Oh, that would have been the best shot in the world. God, it's so heavy. Everybody freaking out. I've been in one of those.

I've been press in one of those. Oh, in one of those lineups? Like when just the room full of press and they bring the artist in. And it's weird because it's like, you know, 30 of you who are like trying to write whatever tweets or everything, like the Wi-Fi is spotty. Then they bring in some Canadian country singer and you're like, we don't care. We don't know. We have no, you said everything you needed to say. Yeah.

But like sometimes the press would clap, like the 30 people would clap for someone coming in. Sure. I think they clapped every time people were coming in. And then the red carpet I did the following day at the actual like the Sunday, the televised event. I got to do that red carpet. And that was like just like the most photographers

you could cram into one. And they're like, take three steps. Okay, turn. and then like a bunch of people that could go over there oh wow photos photos okay go over there more photos and then uh i was very upset that my bow tie was like a little bit crooked yeah but that's not like your fun every photo of me on interview that i did was like oh look at his stupid bow tie. Somebody had too much Jackson Triggs. Was it, because always when I see like on the red carpet, it looks blinding. All the flashes. Is it blinding?

I don't know how people don't wince. That's why they're stars. They know how not to wince. I think that's why stars started wearing sunglasses originally was cause of all the camera flashes

yeah that makes sense every time I am in that situation which all the time now but I'm like oh I wish I had sunglasses

but then I'm like you can't have sunglasses in a picture you idiot I was like ah damn it no because then you'd have to really become like a sunglass guy yeah then I gotta be

that guy the whole lifestyle change now you're a sunglass guy. Yeah, then I gotta be that guy. The whole lifestyle change. Now you're a bow tie guy. Yeah, crooked bow tie. Working on getting it straight. You'll get there someday. One of these days, when I pull that tuxedo back out. Did you get interviewed by ET Canada?

I did one interview with somebody that was like, they had no idea about my comedy style or anything because the way they introduced me was like, they were talking to each other, like just riffing. Do a pratfall. And then they were like, they were like, well, that was kind of rude.

Hey, speaking of rude comments, here's our comedian winner, Ivan Decker. And I'm like, I'm not a rude man. Like, that's a weird intro. Come on, say one of your patented rude racist things.

Make fun of my tits. Yeah, exactly. It's like, they just assume that I'm like some shitty insult comic.

I just, look, it's an honor. Everybody knows it's an honor to be roasted by Ivan Decker on the red carpet.

We assume you're so rude because you're the winner of this award. Now do me! Do me! Can you do an impression of me? You're like Rich Little, right?

Oh boy. Oh man, oh man. Okay, I'm satisfied. Alright. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh nothing The other day I went to the Murakami exhibit Oh I went to that I want to go to that At the art gallery

I think it's over God damn it Yeah Or it's over soon But luckily it's going to Port Angeles And if you don't know Murakami, Murakami is an art man from Japan. Yeah. Who draws flowers, paints flowers.

Yeah. With little faces on them. He did that one Kanye West album. He did a couple Kanye West album covers. Yeah. He did that teddy bear. Yeah. With the shades. Uh album covers. Yeah. He did that. Teddy Bear. Yeah, with the shades.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And so I went there. I had dropped Margo off. And it was the one day a week when I have both the kids. But Margo has preschool. So I dropped her off. And I was like, oh, okay.

Her preschool starts at nine. I'll just take the baby downtown. Maybe she'll nap in the stroller while we go, you know, while I look at these paintings. And so I got downtown at 930 and the baby had fallen asleep in the car. I was like, okay, well, maybe she'll fall back asleep in the stroller. That has happened. It did not happen.

And so I took her in the stroller and I went into the art gallery and they said, oh, it doesn't open until 10. So I could have just driven around for another half hour with a sleeping baby. Oh, no. So I had this baby that wouldn't sleep and I was just killing half an hour downtown walking up Robson. No stores around. So early.

People still hosing the puke off from the night before. And then finally went back at 10 o'clock and looked at the entire exhibit in about three minutes. Yeah.

Alright. A lot of flowers and faces. At 10 o'clock and looked at the entire exhibit in about three minutes. Yeah. All right. Yeah. A lot of flowers and faces. Yeah. Pretty good. Oh, this is early days. He didn't do so many flowers with faces on them. That's right.

And it's also, he does things that are huge. Yeah. Huge. Big monster, cartoony monster thing. Yeah. And like big things that are like, that are like 20 feet tall kind of. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, what's that in metric?

I don't know. It's at least 100 deciliters. I like big stuff. Making small stuff big is like, I'd go to an art gallery that was just that. So you like a giant symbol. Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

A big shoe shoe a big needle oh look how big that needle is yeah that kind of stuff like a space needle yeah but like i want it to be like a real like it looks like a sewing needle the uh there was a wall of uh these smiley flowers you went to this yes and it seemed like uh that that was everybody's selfie yeah that was a selfie wall boy oh boy like i was like are you sure that you didn't notice that there's a guy and then another guy and another guy it's funny because like there was a time when i think before phones existed and they couldn't stop anyone from doing anything before yeah they used to say no photography yeah that's right.

Yeah. And now everything, like you would go to a concert and the ticket would say no cameras. Yeah, that's true. And now they have no, except occasionally like the Arcade Fire, we'll say, or Jack White.

Jack White's latest tour is like no pictures. Yeah. Well, Chris Rock puts everybody's phone in a little bag. In one big bag? Yeah. No, you get your own bag. They give you this bag that's like cell signals can't go through it or whatever. And they lock it like the security tags on clothes.

It's like that magnetic lock. But then they give it to you. So you still have it, but it's just in a bag and you can't use it, which is also annoying because now I just have this big chunky thing that I'm like, I don't want this. It's very uncomfortable. If you're going to take it, just take it and then have a check system and then I pick it up.

I guess people are upset about giving it up. Then at the end you go and like... Does it take two hours to leave? It's pretty quick. Like they just tap it on a thing and then it comes out. I think that's the whole point is that it's like pretty... But I know that they're doing it more and more at like comedy shows

where people are doing material that they think could get them in trouble. They're just like, don't film this. I'm going to be real mean. Right. Well, you know all about that. Rude comedian. Yeah, rude dude. Rude dude with too much tood.

That was the title of your album? That's my next album. Look out 2018. I'm going to drop it in Port Angeles. That's the year that it is right now. But do you think I give a shit?

No. Oh boy. We just got Ivanized. than it is right now. I know it's right now. But do you think I give a shit? No. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We just got Ivanized. Yeah, so I went to see some art. Yeah. Real quick.

Was there anybody else in the gallery? At opening time? Yeah. Yeah, there were some people lined up. Really? I had a pass to get in, though.

Nice. I know some folks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never, I don't think I've ever gone to anything at 10. Well, maybe. You've been to anything at 10 in the morning. Not something recreational. I don't think I've ever gone to a gallery or a movie.

You ever gone to an 11 a.m. movie? Very exciting. Have you? Yeah. I think I've been to an early movie. Like, that early a full of kids no matter what movie yeah i just wanted to see the reboot of halloween a bunch of kids the kids birthday party who's ready for a splatter cake what splatter cake i don't know

it's cake with blood i guess no yeah yeah. Because we're at a horror movie. Yeah. I gotcha. I miss that kind of campy. Is that still around? The campy horror movies? Like, not even scary. It's just, like, lots of gross blood and stuff.

I remember watching those as a kid. Give me some examples. I forget, like, Critters I watched as a kid. It was, like, really stupid like that. Yeah, I remember there being like a reboot of the blob kind of yeah the blob

the blob wasn't very scary but it was like still fun to watch because it was slimy yeah it's a lot like bad makeup bad animatronics

was Attack of the Killer Tomatoes in this yeah I think I'd put that in there yeah like Super Camp Tremors the Tremors movie series

I think that's all what like Sharknado is oh yeah I guess so yeah I guess that's all What like Sharknado is Oh yeah I guess so Good call Yeah That's in there Yeah like Kind of

Scary but Scary for a little kid Yeah Yeah Like ooh like But if you're a grown up You're like Oh why is

You know Mark Paul Gosselaar In Why is Ian Ziering Yeah Yeah The Carnosaurs

Series Did you ever see those I remember Yeah cause that came out Around Lion's earring. Yeah. Yeah. The Carnosaurs series. Do you ever see those? I remember. Yeah. Cause that came out around Jurassic Park. Yeah. I think it was like, Oh,

dinosaurs are popular. We'll name a sports team, the Raptors and we'll make Carnosaurs. Yeah. We're really, we're going to really run this after vampires. I think dinosaurs are the vampires of that era. When they had all those... Remember there was

all that slew of vampire shit that came out around that time? I was just wondering if Carnosaurs was Rich Little's Johnny Carson

dinosaur impression. Rich Little in that late shift movie where they were like... Oh yeah. Where there was someone pretending

to be J. Lennon and someone pretending to be J. Lennon and someone pretending to be David Letterman. Johnny Carson was played by Rich Little. Rich Little. Did he do a dinosaur impression? Impressions never.

So he was like he had one of those fortune teller hats on the dinosaur and he would put a little dinosaur envelope up to his head and he would say you know

Bronto Triassic and he'd open up the envelope and said what do millennials like to try? White

Ford Bronto during the OG Simpsons Yes, of course. Impression like people can do impressions. That is always going to be popular. Yeah, we've, we've like never. Guys like me who can do impressions.

We're never going to be out of work. That's true. Like it's, but. Would you like to hear the same sentence said by. David Coulier. All. said by David Coulier. Dave Coulier here. People think I'm Canadian, but I'm not. Perfect Dave Coulier.

That was good. That was a really good Coulier. So I'm a man of a million voices and we're going to be testing out this hypothesis throughout the show today. Oh, I remember the name of that. James Mason. Yes! Do your James Mason.

Greiky, it's hard here on film. It's hard. Old Hollywood is not what you wanted it to be sometimes. And it had a bit of austerity to it and a little bit of a dark side too

and the murders and Fatty Arbuckle. I love that he calls it Old Hollywood. Here in the Old Hollywood with the black dahlia and whatnot it's not so easy for me James Mason. It doesn't even sound British. Well, here I go.

With my British... Okay, well, God save the Queen and all that. Chip, chip, chip-a-doo. Chip, chip, chip-a-doo. Yeah, of course. James Mason. Yeah. We are.

What's up with you? What is up with you? What is up with me? Oh, this past weekend I worked at the comedy mix And I was walking up the street to the club Wait, why does Ivan get to do Conan and you have to go do the comedy mix? I don't know, man That agent's manager I was at the comedy mix too.

Doing less time than you on Friday nights. But walking to the club on Friday night, there was a full police motorcade that like shut down the whole street

and for... Like a motorcade? Like moving? Like they were moving and then they came to kind of where the hotel Vancouver is and they blocked off from of where the hotel Vancouver is. And they blocked off from there all the way up to like, you know, Davie Street.

So a big chunk of the street. And I was like, wow, this. And everybody stopped to watch because we were like, somebody fucking huge is coming through now. Brunei. And it totally, it was some, like the limo pulled up and everybody's like craning their neck and like,

and it was just some old guy and he took his sweet ass time getting out of the car. He tied his shoelace and like all his security advisors were like,

this is the thing where you're supposed to be quick. Like, this is where we're most exposed and he stopped. Who was it?

He takes a hard candy out of his jacket slowly unwraps it his car had one of those car flags green and red couldn't see it through the crowd was it the Aga Khan maybe

I think the Aga Khan was here it's me the Aga Khan a million voices but yeah the Aga Khan was here. Might have been the Aga Khan. It's me, the Aga Khan. A million voices. But yeah, does he look like him? Yep. The Aga Khan, everybody.

He's an old guy, loose shoelace. Could have done that in the car. No way. Probably gets car sick. Probably has to look out the window. Yeah. So, so I saw the Aga Khan. Who is the aga uh cousin of chaka

let me rock you um so it's i've never i've seen those motorcades pass by i've never seen the person stop and get out and also see a crowd of hundreds of people go yeah we. Yeah. Oh. We were hoping it would be Fergie. Yeah. Well, the reason that I stopped was because the next night, Shania Twain was in town for two nights.

So I was like, maybe this is Shania Twain. Would Shania get motorcade, motorcaded? I don't know. I mean, she'd get motorboated. Rude. Rude. Rude. Hey, I've been, know i mean she'd get motorboated rude rude dude hey i'm doing an impression of me hey that's my dave shumka i'm a rude dude too much dude um also yeah on saturday night like it was post

shania twain concert so the streets that are usually filled with people just throwing up all over the place yeah cowboy boots as well oh yeah oh cool throwing up into their cowboy boots just loading up

cowboy boots man I feel like a woman did you do a Shania Twain themed set with a bear midriff and all that

yep I said don't be afraid to come on over and people were like what and I was like this is the name

of our first album, you guys. Oh, we only know the second and third one. I do think it's very funny when comedians will do that. Like if there's something going on in town that is biting into the numbers, like fireworks or something, comics will go up and then like talk about, or like a hockey game, and they'll go up and be like, what's up with this hockey? And people are like, we made an effort to not go to that.

We came to this. We had to wade through a train full of people going to that thing so that we could come to this thing. And then you're like, ah, that other thing though, right? I had to do a stand up at the comedy mix on

the weekend of the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics for the weekend of the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics for a crowd of six. Yeah. We could just not do a show tonight. No, we'll do it. Yeah, we gotta.

We already mixed all the pre-mixes. Yeah, all the pre-mixes. We've got the slushy machine is going. We blended the bellinis. There's like two liters of rum in there.

And then one of the shows, the Friday late show, a woman fell asleep. Oh, yeah. That was the one I was at. In the front row and was like dead asleep. Not like drifted off for a second and the comedian caught it. Dead asleep. And then at one point woke up. And did the kind of like.

And turned. Like turned over. Back to sleep. Like turned onto her side. And like in an airplane seat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like. I think she took her coat off. And then got more comfortable. And turned it into a pillow. But I. Have you ever seen that before? Front row?

Yes, actually. Oh, really? What the hell? One of the shows in Winnipeg this year I did. It was like a later show in a dark theater. And yeah, there was another same thing. This lady was in the front just dead asleep. People complain about these 3 p.m.pm shows but ain't nobody falling asleep.

Yeah, that's true. Those are people who are well rested. They just had coffee. Yeah, they haven't had a big dinner. Like just gravy filled dinner. And so much wine. But like front road just real and cozy as all hell like just dead asleep.

Just no like this is probably a rude thing. None of that. No, no, no, no, no. I was dragged here against my will. I'm not going to have to, but no one said I had to enjoy it. Yeah. At no point did my date say that I had to remain conscious throughout the

performance. Oh, I also love that when you get a couple that has clearly had a fight on the way there, so they can't both enjoy it. Like they have to one. It's usually the dude who's just like, I'm going to hate this show because I got to stay mad or I lose this fight. So he's just mad about everything.

Mad about the whole show, crossed arms. She's loving it. It's like the most hilarious. She's like, I got to love this or I'm going to lose this fight. Yeah. We had a fight about Bernie Mac on the way here. He said he was still sad about it and I said I'm over it and I'm ready to laugh again. Yeah, exactly. That happens all the time.

There's this weird thing. There was a clip circulated of a couple that was on Let's Make a Deal. And he asked her, are you guys a couple? And she's like, no. Friend zoned hard. Yeah. And he's like, that happens a lot of comedy shows where you're like, you're a couple. And one of them will be like, no. And the other one's like, well, you didn't have to be that emphatic.

Or you ask them, where's the weirdest place you've made whoopee? And they both go, the butt. His butt. Nothing wrong with that. That's right. But yeah, that happens a lot at coffee shows with couples. Or people that you perceive to be couples I just never want to be a part of that

That's why I don't do crowd work I would never ask those weird questions Like you know What do you do for work? I just got laid off I came here to relax Where are you from? A town that burned down Yeah exactly

Too many possibilities for sadness. That is true. Or boringness. Yeah. That's the other ten. Sometimes they'll give you an out. They'll be like, you don't want to hear about it. You're like, I do.

Come on. And then they're like, systems analyst. And you're like, uh-oh. And then they just keep talking. You know what I do is people email me, and then when it's not, when it doesn't work, I don't know anything about computers I started that riff like I probably got something in the chamber nope this is why you don't do crowd people email me and then uh you know I don't know anybody else

feeling hot it's hot what does else do? I repair lathes. Sounds interesting. Someone told me a story, like a famous, like, crowd work. Like, a comedian was bragging about how great they are at crowd work. It was, like, a couple of comics in Alberta, I think. And one of them, like, old Canadian headlines. They weren't all from Alberta. But it was, like, this situation where this one comic

was bragging to the older established comedians like I'm the best at crowd work you've ever seen and they're like okay let's see it

and then he goes up on stage says to a couple he's like what do you guys do and one of them's like I embalm dead bodies and the other one

was like I'm a beekeeper and then he was like cool cool cool can't do anything without it there's nothing funny there he's like cool. Can't do anything with that. There's nothing funny there.

He's like, if you can't pull anything out of that. Well, work is work. I'm a horny beekeeper. Oh, boy. I'm a clumsy embalmer. Oh, Jesus. I work at a fake poo factory. Before you ask, yes, sometimes some real poo gets in there. Anyways, go ahead.

Do your worst. Oh, boy. Should we move on to a bit of business? I love business. Oh, business this week is in the form of one Jumbotron. They don't come much bigger. Now, this is a Jumbotron message for Becca from Daniel. And it reads, Dear Becca, I love you.

And I am so happy we're getting married. Oh, that's a good thing to do when you're in love Yeah, and it's a good thing to be happy about Yeah, absolutely You don't want to be grudgingly getting into some kind of situation I guess, yeah, why even bring that up? Oh, yeah Look, love is beautiful, love is great

Life is beautiful Yeah Roberto Benigni, the best we got. Yeah. He kissed that whole Oscar crowd. I know. He wanted to make love. He buried them all.

Yeah, exactly. Becca, Daniel, keep it up. Yeah. If you have a Jumbotron message you would like to share with a lover or liker of yours as well, then go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Good luck on that wedding night. You're gonna need it. The Dead Pilot Society podcast

brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tompkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott,

Molly Shannon, Busy Phillips, Tom Lennon, Anna Camp, Laurie Metcalf, Alicia Day, Michael Ian Black, Adam Savage,

Paul Scheer, Ben Schwartz, Skylar Astin, Mae Whitman, Josh Molina, Ben Feldman, Nicole Byer, Jason Ritter, Sarah Chalk, Steve Agee, And many more. Listen at MaximumFun.org, iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. Overheard. Overheard is a segment in which if you hear a thing, see a thing, hold on to it. Bring it to us so that we can enjoy it too. And we always like to start with the guest. Ivan, would you please?

I mean, you'd like to, but... I kind of have an overheard that was on... It was a great, like, transit loud phone call situation. So I was taking the train home from the airport. It was a very early flight that I had just gotten off, so I'm...

10 a.m. Yeah, like, we landed at 10. I think I took off at that I had just gotten off. 10 a.m. We landed at 10. I think I took off at like 6 or 5 or something crazy. So I'm super tired. And everybody on the train is tired. And it's very quiet. And then this lady just answers her phone by saying,

fuck yeah, bud. That was how she answered the phone. She's like, fuck yeah, bud. And then proceeded to have the loudest like small town canada accent conversation and it was beautiful and there was at one point i knew she was in alberta because at one point she was talking about airport security and she's like yeah they were grabbing me all over the place hey i wanted to sample some alberta beef and i was like yes you are a hero pretty good adam i bet what do you think do you think that that lady has a tattoo on her somewhere that says 100 certified something yeah angus

grass fed and it's a picture of like a cow's one kind of joint grass fed doobie wow that's a that's a tattoo with levels, all sorts of layers. Oh, boy. I remember in the 90s, there was a popular bumper sticker that was I heart, and it was a map of Alberta and a cow. Yeah. Yeah. But why was that popular here? It wasn't popular here.

I thought it was a campaign by Burger King. Wasn't that part of it? Burger King was giving away the bumper stickers. Now my favorite Alberta bumper sticker I see all the time is the xenophobic one. It's the picture of Alberta that says,

it's the words in the shape of Alberta but it says, fuck off, we're full. And then if you go to Alberta you're like, eh, it's mostly empty. It's not even close to full.

You can't even keep most of the stores in your mall open. Yeah, there's a lot of wide open space there A lot of elbow room there in Alberta Now we're full I thought it was going to say something like Racist but with a coexist It's just crosses that are on fire

Don't coexist It's not clever It's just crosses They're on fire Don't coexist It's not clever It's Alberta Dave, you got an overheard? Yeah, mine is I was at the park With the two little girls of mine Oh yes

And this park has a little gate It's just a very small Just a playground It doesn't have a big field attached or anything And it's just a very small uh just a playground it's not it doesn't have like a big field attached or anything and it's sort of in between busy streets so there's a gate to keep kids from running out and this woman was coming in the gate and i heard this this guy like this sort of rough and tumble guy was following her like maybe with a cigarette in his hand and like you know uh kind of like a lot of jewelry and like just looked like he's uh you know a rough dude sure uh and so i mean the jewelry doesn't scream rough

dude i mean this was very like the the jewelry was made out of uh you know like barbed wire oh yeah like big hoop earrings oh. I guess he had a chain and it just looked like he might have been drunk at two in the afternoon. Oh sure. Was probably a rude dude. And this woman is walking in with

her daughter and closing the fence behind her and this guy's following her and he says, hold on, it gets better. And she's like fumbling with the fence, trying to get following her and he says hold on it gets better and she's like fumbling with the fence trying to get it shut and he goes on and he says uh and then the crow flew away and dropped the rat out of the sky he was right it does get better yeah so she's like trying to get her kid away and he's telling the story of some kind of... A crow attacking and flying away with a rat.

Yeah, and then dropping it. He didn't hear the whole story. Don't shut that. Yeah, but then like a minute later, he's in the park and he is the kid's dad. But it was the weirdest thing of like... She's shutting the gate on him he's like i gotta stay out of here it seemed like they that like he was harassing her but no like they're a couple and this is the kid and yeah but it was a weird they were very loud at the park yeah he was like all

right now come down the slide all right do it and then like they go on to the next okay go down the pole like he was making a big show. They were like trying to do all their parenting as loud as and fast as possible. They were probably on like probation.

He's looking over at the probation office and got a clipboard. Like, okay. He's parenting. Look how great of a dad I am. It was a real show.

He's on the slide now. Put that in your clipboard. He's yelling it. Yeah, he's yelling at now. Put that in your clipboard. He's yelling it. Yeah, he's yelling it every way he puts it. Write that down. No, no, don't climb up the slide. You slide down the slide. That's very disruptive, what you're doing.

I'm putting fucking sunscreen on him. Look at the bonnet on this motherfucker. My, uh... Oh oh go ahead my overheard is the combination somebody on the phone somebody drunk somebody wearing jewelry this guy it was the first like really nice day where people i think were really day drinking and uh this guy had a big thing of grower cider. That's what you want to drink. Which I think only comes in two liter bottles. Yeah. It's like the, you know, like if you're a teen and you got to get drunk yesterday.

Yeah. Grower cider. We got a dance and I don't want to taste the booze. Grower cider. I'll get cavities before I get drunk. And so this guy guy he'd been drinking all afternoon just wafting off of him the booze smell

and he's on the phone slurring his speech the whole time and he's saying he's talking I think to his girlfriend significant other and he goes well we'll meet at the beach long pause you know what? You're a devil woman.

I don't want to go to the beach with you. Long pause. Okay, I'll see you at home. Oh, boy. But Jesse was there. You're a devil woman. I don't want to go to the beach with you. I'm not want to go to the beach with you I'm not going to go to the beach with you

Alright I'll see you at home You're a devil woman I mean that's like a pretty good like Queens of the Stone Age lyric Or the cult What alright I'll see you at home Yeah I like that

Queens of the Stonehead song. See you at home. What do you think she said in between? Double woman. Was grower cider, was that your, when you were a teen? No, ours was Vex wine coolers. Vex with two X's. And four V's.

Wow. And then there was like Mike's Hard Lemonade, obviously. Smirnoff Ice. Smirnoff Ice was around. I don't think we could get it at the liquor store in Ladner, though. The big one when I was a teenager was a thing. It was a malt liquor called Big Bear. And it was woof.

Well, there was like extra old stock and then Colt 45 were the two. Like you could get a 40 for $5. Yeah, that's what Big Bear was. And yeah, extra old stock. We were like, get a 40 oh yeah for this for five dollars what big bear was and yeah extra old stock we were like get a 40 it's four dollars 50 cents i was like oh sweet nothing like drinking like a hobo and like honestly i went to a party once and drank one of those and i don't know how these hobos are saluting because i normally like i used to drink vodka and just like put it in pop and hate it but like yeah i drank a 40 of actual talk i was like it's just beer but i was so much more drunk than i'd ever been from drinking vodka fortified and i had

like the worst hangover ever that was like the first and you know people like oh you're young you don't get hangovers i was like i was 20 and this was the worst thing i've still ever had in my life i never drank before i was legal never not even like a like a sipsy not even a sipsy wow and so i i never went through that like i i was like you know and i was a lightweight when i became legal so i was like i would have like two drinks and i didn't mind spending ten dollars for those two drinks yeah so i never had to you know, buy six beers for $8 or whatever. And like get wasted by a dumpster. Yeah.

Man. Drinking Wildcat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wildcat. That was another. It was so weird that like our whole plan when we were teens was like, we're going to get some beer.

We're going to get drunk. Where? We don't know yet. Why are we drinking? Also don't know. Just get some beer.'re gonna get drunk where we don't know yet why are we drinking also don't know just get some beer end of plan and then we just like drink in a field yeah i did a lot of drink i remember or go to bleachers at like a baseball diamond that there's nothing going on my weekend plan was we're gonna rent a video game by myself yeah that's way better. I remember drinking in a field and one very, like, the cops saw us and gave chase.

And I remember my friend pointing to who we thought was the slowest. And let's separate from him. Not the slowest cop. No, no, the slowest of us. And did it work? Oh, yeah. Not the slowest cop. No, no, the slowest of us.

And did it work? Oh, yeah. I mean, we took off like grease lightning. Oh, man. The first time he, like when you start to pull away, he's like, oh, okay, at least they're not separating from me. Uh-oh. Yeah, exactly. We had that where there's a like baseball field where we used to drink. And at the back, it's farmland behind it.

But there's a row of trees. And we were drinking there. And the cops came. We all just ran. We're just like, go through the trees to the farm field. And then I made it through. My friend made it through. And then we just hear this bam.

And they had built a fence halfway. So we made it through the trees. He just hit a fence like so hard and he was like ow and we were like leave him there's no time

he's not into us he doesn't know our names he can't bring the cops the cops will be at our house before we get there

they have a car we have bikes that we left back there probably with your name somewhere on it. Yeah. Oh, boy.

So that's the show? That's the show, more or less, except for these overheards. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to sby at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Julie C. in Royal Oak, Michigan. This is an overseen rather than an overheard. The other week my husband and I were driving home from work when my husband looked out my window and gasped, which made me think I was about to get into an accident. Rather than me getting T-boned, he pointed out that the car next to us had the phrase, had a phrase keyed into the paint, which said, fuck you, you can't hide. And we noticed that this

was keyed into every side of the car. Oh, no. Someone cheated on Carrie Underwood. And he was also, the guy driving the car was vaping when he drove past. So just an extra bonus. It's very easy to find someone who's vaping

because of the cloud. Yeah, you can't hide. I'm going to disappear in a puff of caramel. The most smoke possible. Why did that become a part of vaping where they're like, get me highest volume of smoke. It's true. Sometimes they exhale and it's like, holy God damn.

Is there no other way? I don't know. I think that's one of the options. You can vape and it's like, holy god damn. Is there no other way? I don't, yeah. Or is that just... I think that's one of the options. You can vape and it's like invisible. But I think a lot of people are like... But why? I want lots of smoke.

I want, yeah, I want everybody to know. It's... I don't know. It's, I think it's cool. I think it's cool too. And I encourage every kid listening today, get into vaping. Yeah, get into vaping. As sort of a touchstone before you get into smoking.

A gateway. Yeah, a vapeway. Yeah. Oh, that'd be a cool name for a vape shop. Yeah, vapeway drugs. There's a lot of great pun vape names, I'm sure. Yeah, absolutely. My favorite one I ever saw, Planet of the Vapes.

Planet of the Vapes. That's in Kelowna, right? Darth Vapor. It was in Moose Jaw. Okay. Vape Moose Jaw Vape The Vape Escape A Vape Room for the guys who can't come up with

vape buns who's ready to go vape shit Vaped Crusader this next one comes from Karo from squamish bc cape day vape drape gape gape oh carpet matches the vapes that's very good too i'm gonna get one i'm better not anymore. I was returning to Vancouver on a flight from Calgary.

Two strangers behind me struck up a conversation for the duration of the flight. The worst. As we were getting ready to deplane, the young 20-something East Coast girl said to the 60-something Vancouver businessman, Yeah, you know, it must run in my family or something, because both my uncle and I have been bit by a beaver. Oh, wow. Yeah, you know, it must run in my family or something because both my uncle and I have been bit by a beaver. Oh, wow. Yeah, you must have delicious wood blood. Yeah. We were both bit by a beaver on our wooden legs.

I mean, that's one of the hazards they don't tell you. Hey, I'd rather be bit by a beaver than on a beaver. On my beaver. Sorry. Can we take that again? Because you're doing... I picture you doing the voice for a... You squeeze a Dennis Miller doll.

Did he ever come up with that joke? No, he retracted the statement. He made a big thing. It was like a big post being like, Actually, on second thought, I'm not going to waste my time. This last overheard comes from Bridget.

I was at a street festival in Chicago this summer watching a cover band and when they started to play Jump by Van Halen, this tiny blonde woman shoved past my boyfriend and I by doing a high kick into the middle of the street to be right in front of the stage. In the middle of the song,

she grabbed a brush out of her bag, ran it through her hair a couple times, then flipped it upside down, unscrewed the handle, and took a swig. So she had a brush that was also a flask. Yep. At the end of the song, we saw her turn around to the guy behind her

and punch him right in the dick. In a real whiny, drawn-out voice, the guy said, Babe, you just punched me right in the dick. Man. That. Lady. 2020. Yeah. Presidential?

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Brush flask 2020. Brush flask dick puncher 2020 wow oh the vape of water pretty good in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us the phone number is 1-844-DINKYWINKLES here we go 1-844-779-7631 or 1 bipod 1

like these people have stinky winkle hi Dave Graham and probable guest this is Andrea calling from Vancouver with an overheard. I was getting a haircut, and there was a mother there who had bought her kids with her. And one of the kids, who was probably six years old, was talking to the hairdresser. And the kid said, oh, I'm going to have jail in my mouth.

And the hairdresser responded, jail in your, oh, braces. And I just thought it was a cute little interaction. Yeah, putting your teeth in mouth jail. Yeah. Yeah. You had braces as an adult man. You had the invisibles. I had the invisibles.

Yeah. Which the best part about that is that because you're spending so much time brushing your teeth before you put them back in, your teeth become extremely healthy and great. Nice. I went to the dentist after and he's like, what have you been doing with your teeth? I'm like, oh, your teeth become extremely healthy and great. Nice! I went to the dentist after and he's like, what have you been doing with your teeth? I'm like, oh, just brushing them four times a day. He's like, hmm, pretty good. I've been telling everybody to do it too.

I need to rethink this all. Did you ever have to go to the hairdresser with your mother? That's something that was... I never had to do that. I had to do some boring mom stuff. My dad used to take it. Oh, I guess, what, for her to get her hair done? That's what was happening in that one, yeah.

Yeah, I remember sitting there and reading because at the hairdresser there was no owl magazine for kids. Was there one of those with a bead on a wire? No, it was all... I just have to read about, let's see, who would have been on TV at the time?

Judith Light? Sure. Judith Light in Red Book? What's she up to? Who wore it best? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Judith Light or Tony Dancer? They were going around on set.

Well, they definitely, at one point, had to share a pair of pajamas. Yeah. That I remember. Then they would also have magazines that weren't real magazines. They were just a bunch of hair. Yeah. That I remember. Then they would also have magazines that weren't real magazines. They were just

a bunch of haircuts. Oh, yeah. That's true. Yeah. Did you get a subscription to that as a non- Haircut magazine? Yeah.

Yeah. Just brought on some different haircuts? Yeah. I also want to know where I can get a poster that's just a shawarma in front of the Parthenon.

That lady, the hero's lady? Yeah. That white-haired... Is that a Costa Coast Brothers? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, she's... Oikos? Oikos something or other?

Yogurt? Yeah. Here's your next phone call. Don't Greek me. Hi, Dave Graham and probable guest. This is Janet from Renton, Washington, and I have an overheard that might just benefit from a little card guy expertise. Where are the cards?

I was at my local game shop a couple days ago playing Dungeons & Dragons, and there was a Magic the Gathering tournament going on. there was a Magic the Gathering tournament going on, and from one of the other tables, I heard a man say to presumably his son, you got the scriptures, as if it were some sort of schoolyard taunt, to which his son replied dejectedly,

Aw, not the scriptures. Well, off I go. Did you ever play Magic? Yeah, I did. I still have a bunch. What are the scriptures? I don't know. It's probably an older or newer expansion from Pose. It's probably some kind of curse card.

What's the best card to have? The best card to have? I mean, we're the card guys, so we would know this too. Land. We'll all say it on the same time. Land. Because you know what? That's the only thing that I'm making more of.

Yeah. No, the most expensive card is this card called the Black Lotus. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know it. Ricey. I got it. There's a video of somebody like buying an old pack of magic and then it's like there's one in there and it's like the craziest it was

like not that recently but definitely to the point where that card's worth like seven or eight hundred bucks and he like is just unwrapping this like i found this old booster pack in an old store or whatever let's see what's in your store probably just gonna blow my nose into him but he's like what if there's a black lotus in here? And he's like, oh my god, there is one! I think that was fake. You know what? You're probably right. You got played.

Probably right. I assume everything on the internet is fake. Here's your final phone call. Hey, fellows. This is Dominic from Los Angeles, California calling in with a overseen slash kids say the darndest. I was working at school today and there was a child who had written a poem. And the first line of his poem I spied on his paper was oh shit i forgot what it was

it was really funny uh yeah uh i don't know i think you could have made it up roses are red vines are blue well uh sorry that i had to go down that way, Dominic. But he called back. Oh, he did? Okay. Hi, this is Dom from Los Angeles. Okay, I remembered what it is.

So this kid wrote a poem. The first line is, I am a blue drum bang bang boy. Alright, off I go. What's the next line? Well, I mean, we can make it up. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm a blue drum bang, bang, boy. Why'd you take away my toy? Look out, mom. I'm at the... God damn it. I really pulled a Dominic on that one. You know what? Listeners out there, you want to finish off that poem,

write to us at StopPodcasting on Twitter. Finish the poem. What is it? I'm a blue drum bang bang boy. Why'd you take away my toy? And then you finish the poem for us. Yeah. Tired of all this hoi polloi.

There we go. There you go. You did it. It only took me 11 years. Too long. Planet of the Vapes. James Mason. Vapes of Wrath.

Vapes to gifts. Ivan. To drums. To boys. To boys. To men. Okay, sure. Keeps going. This brings us to the end of the podcast.

You are going to be in Port Angeles. Yeah, we'll get the Juan de Fuca Festival of the Arts in Port Angeles on the 26th and 27th of May. Yeah. And then. You love it. You love it down there. Yeah. It's very exciting.

Yeah. You get booze in a drugstore. Why wouldn't you want to go to the land of the free? What is the, how long have you been an American? I. I know you're not an American. How long have you been? Well? I know you're not an American. How long have you been? Well, I'm an landed immigrant.

I'm an alien of extraordinary ability. Permanent resident. How long have you had a place in LA? Since March. And the biggest culture shock has been? I think just like seeing booze everywhere. Yeah. It's crazy. Like every store just has seeing booze everywhere. Yeah. It's crazy.

Like every store just has booze in it. Like you go to the drugstore and you're like, I need some cough medicine. Also, there's some Jim Beam if you want it. And then also how much stuff is like locked up at the drugstore. Like the lotion is like, you got to get an attendant. Oh, okay. You have to show your license to jack off.

Yeah, exactly. So there's plenty of Jim Beam just flowing. Free Jim Beam lotion is under wraps. Lotion, no way. Yeah, you're right. There's a lot more. Are we not to be trusted with booze up here? Is that why?

I don't know. That's weird. Why is all our booze under lock and key? But, man, oh, man, I could just grab lotion any hour of the day. Oh, boy. You just tried to stop me. I also got yelled at by an Uber Eats guy for not, like, the restaurant was too close. Like, it was only, like, a block away, but I didn't know because I don't know the neighborhood yet.

Yeah. So I just, like, saw it on my phone. I was like, oh, this is all ready in half an hour. So I ordered it, and then he drove up, and he's like, you know, it's right down the street. But, like, he gets a tip, right? Isn't that his business? He's like, it won't even let me sign out. It said the trip's too short.

I'm like, anyway, thank you for the chicken. Yeah, or come in and have some of this. Yeah. Can you deliver me some lotion next time? This desert heat is doing a number on these knuckles. Anything else that you want to plug? Or do people just find you at Ivan Decker? IvanDecker.com or on Twitter at Ivan Decker.

My Juno award winning album still available. It's called I Wanted to Be a Dinosaur. It's called The Great White North. I'll be opening for... A Little Richard Christmas. I'll be at the Irvine Improv on June 15th and 16th, opening for Gad Elmaleh. Oh, really? If you want to come and see those shows.

French superstar Gad Elmaleh? Yeah. Wow. One of the funniest Gads I know. Yeah, I'm very much looking forward to those shows. Josh being the other one. And Zooks. Oh, boy. Well, thanks so much for being on the podcast, Ivan.

Thank you for having me. What a delight. And you folks out there, if you want to finish a poem, go to At Stop Podcasting. I also have another podcast called This Sounds Serious. I believe episode four drops this week with a very special Paul Tompkins. I won't say which one. But it's A through H. Yeah, it's in the first half of the alphabet.

Is a character this week. And it's so funny. If you haven't heard the podcast yet, it's oh so funny. We do good work over there. Yeah, you really do. Have you heard it? No. Get into it.

I'm not even aware of it. It's Juno Award winning. Yeah. Great. Well, that's next, right? Sure. Of course. Why not?

Podcasts should be a category. Yeah, sure. Why not? We're recording. Artists. More so than me. No, no, Ivan. Ivan, no.

I just did stand up and someone happened to record. Wait a minute. He's right. Yeah, give us your Juno I don't even have it yet yeah he threw it in the air it never came down he's not getting his own mail

stuck in the rafters oh boy well uh thanks so much for listening if you like the show please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode

of Stop Podcasting Yourself to stop podcasting yourself.