Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 537 - Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

Comedian Lachlan Patterson returns to talk taxidermy, fire, and more wrestling.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 537 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is, well, geez, geez louise. I had something in my head I was going to say and then it fell right out. But you know what? He's a real nice guy. I like him a lot.

He's my co-host. Hi. Mr. Dave Schumke. Hi Graham, Dave here. Hi, how are you? I'm so glad to be here. And I wonder, I just, I feel like we've been robbed because we didn't, we never got to hear whatever your zinger was. Well, you know what?

If it pops back up, I'll throw it in very naturally into the show. How will it be natural? Dave, you're a guy who... You're right. There's no good way to it's gone it's gone forever i'll use it next week stay tuned to this show next week the zinger's gonna be out of this world they're not usually zingers though i was yeah that's true i don't zing you well you could let's just let's. Here's a real bag of trash. Dave Shumkin.

Hey! Our guest today, returning guest of the podcast, long lost guest of the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very funny comedian. Used to live up here. Lives in L.A. Had a podcast of his own for a while. Doesn't anymore. A shark ate itA. Had a podcast of his own for a while. Doesn't anymore.

The Shark-Aided. Yeah, Shark-Aided's podcast. Mr. Lachlan Patterson's our guest. Hey, guys. Hi, Lachlan. Can I say that this is one of my favorite things to do in Vancouver? Oh, really? What are your top ten?

Most people say Capilano Suspension Bridge. That's true. Do you always hit that when you're in town? Always. Yeah, yeah. it's the same every time well we get most of our guests because they picked up a pamphlet on the ferry yes and they're like this will be a fun afternoon i'm actually staying right there at the gross inn which is a horrible name for a hotel it is yeah but's exactly right. Why it's so far out of town? Well, I wanted to get, I want to go on that grouse grind tomorrow. Okay.

Which is tomorrow, which is a hike. Yeah, yeah. On stairs. But have you, you did that back in the day when you lived here. Yes. Yeah, okay. And I want, and I remember it being almost impossible, and I remember hating it, and I was in way better shape. And so I want to just go ruin my Saturday and my Sunday. Yeah, probably.

Let's get to know us. Get to know us. But I still don't understand. Are you staying there the whole weekend? I think so. I had a friend offer me his house, and it's in Seymour, Mount Seymour Parkway. Oh, yeah. It's just a little far away, even though it's beautiful. And so I think we're probably just going to stay there. Stay up in the mountains.

Do you not get offered the hotel when you come to comedy? I always get offered the hotel, but this was a last-minute booking, and they said, sure, but we don't have the hotel. Oh. Oh, okay. And I said, all right, well, if I'm going to pick a hotel, also I drove up here in a Volkswagen van.

You did? I did. Wow. Oh, wow. We did the whole coastline and I can't park it downtown. It's got all my stuff on it. Sure. Yeah.

And it's too tall for their parking structure. Did you drive it here? Yeah. Oh, I didn't see it. It's right around the it's too tall for their parking structure. Did you drive it here? Yeah. Oh, I didn't see it. It's right around the corner. Oh, that's so cool. Did you drive up with your girlfriend?

I did. Oh, okay. And my bunny rabbit. What? Oh, geez. Yeah. Oh, man. I took a bunny.

What's your bunny's name? Bananas. Yeah. Totally, right? Yeah. Banana Cakes. His last name's Cakes. Mr. Cakes.? Yeah. Banana Cakes. His last name's Cakes. Mr. Cakes.

You're living a really fantastic life. I feel pretty good about my life. When did the bunny come into your life? Well, I bought the bunny for my parents because their dog was dying or died. Their dog was dying. They were asking me to pick it up some special dying dog food. When the doctor starts prescribing your dog food, Dave, your dog's about to die. Oh, okay.

So this is like a special. It wasn't like go pick him up a giant T-bone because this might be his last meal. No, this is medical dog food. This is medical dog food. Our dog's been prescribed food his whole life. And it's just to mitigate the farts yeah oh man um well but now he's on his diet is literally cooking chicken breast every day good good good that's my girl the rabbit wasn't the food was it it wasn't one of these situations it was in the pet store it was in the dog food store and just sitting there.

And I said, oh, I got to get them this, which is so irresponsible. And my girlfriend says, you can't just get them a pet. And I go, no, no. My sister, when I was a kid, she used to bring home animals and I never did. So this is my first time doing it. And I watched that we just, we always adopted the pets that my sister would bring home. And I watched how my parents just were a sucker for it. And I'm like, oh, I'll do it.

And then I brought it to them and they said no. And they said, I don't want it. And we'd already filled out all the paperwork at the vet and all that. Right. And I said, well, I'll put an ad on Craigslist or whatever. But they live on Pender Island. So there's only like. Four people with computers?

Yeah. Exactly. So for a week, I never got any bites. And then I said, well, you guys hang on to it and I'm sure we'll get some bites. And if we don't get any bites, you guys can just fly them down to me, thinking that would never happen. And then a month later, they did that. Like FedEx? First class.

No, yeah. I put them on a plane and they flew down on alaska allows you to fly bunnies for free that's a great i mean the human tickets are ten thousand dollars but but i love that that's uh let me just look at our bunnies fly for free bunnies fly for free and they don't need any paperwork to get across a border. You just can bring them. Oh. What about chinchillas? Chinchillas too. Okay. Cool.

I don't know if that's true. It just felt right. But they don't need to, bunnies don't have to have shots or? Nope. My friend Richard Gere used to smuggle gerbils. Name dropper. Well, I met him at a, well, a Buddhist resort. Resort?

Buddhist pet store. Not a retreat. What's a resort? A Buddhist villa. Sounds flashy. So, this VW bus. Yes. Is this an old school?

86. Okay. It's a Vanagon. Cool. Yeah. Vanagon. I mean, it's the best vehicle for traveling. As long as you don't go on that interstate, you just.

Side roads the whole way. Just take 13th street through Oregon. Oh, the Oregon coast is, it's not interstate. No. Okay. Yeah. I've heard of people love the oregon coast but i've never i haven't been past portland yeah i mean either yeah so from portland you hang a righty

down to the coastline and you take that coast road all the way down to my house okay literally i live on i live three blocks from the pch so it's perfect for that kind of road yeah because it only goes it only has fourth gear and uh is it supposed to only have fourth gear yeah oh okay yeah they're in four speed and it just screams at 65 miles per hour and you're still i mean just nobody even drives 65 anymore the cars go seven in yeah they can't drive i can't drive well no they updated that song for oh they did yeah Yeah, yeah. Sammy Hagar Jr. did it. For people who are retirement age?

Yeah, yeah. And then do you sleep in this thing as well? You sleep in it, yeah. That's so cool. Does it have the roof that goes up? It does. Oh, wow. Yeah.

A Vanagon. I can't picture a Vanagon. I can picture a Westphalia. It's a Westphalia. Okay. I don't know. Is it a I can picture a Westphalia. It's a Westphalia. Okay. I don't know. Is it a, you know, is it a harlequin? It's a, no.

Or a girl. It's all white. And it's, yeah, the horn is just, it's just like, you can't say fuck you with the horn part of me. You can only go, hello. Excuse me. Hello. Hello. Hi. say fuck you with the horn part of me you can only go hello excuse me hello hi i'm behind you and when did you get this uh had it had it for had it for probably five years i probably had it as long as it's been since i've seen you and you do uh these big trips with it i do okay and this is also your commuter vehicle?

This is also one of our, yeah, this is the commuter vehicle. When you were on, for people who don't know, Lachlan was a finalist on Last Comic Standing. Yeah, and if you watch that show, the Vanagon is in the show.

I think I see it. It's like you're like the surfer beach dude. Dog walker. Dog walker. The little backstory they gave you. Yeah.

You know how that backstory came to be so they go we want to do a backstory on you and they call us they call it a package and they said we'll let well tell us about you and i was like cool package all right i like surfing right i like surfing and i have a podcast about surfing and I like to go to the beach. And I also, what else about you? And I go, I don't know. I also have been just walking some dogs. And they're like, okay, all right.

Underline walks dogs. I have shingles. Oh yeah, we'll do the shingles angle. And they go, how many dogs do you walk? And I go, yeah, two or three at a time. And they go, do you ever walk four? And I go. What kind of question is that?

Two or three. Do you think you could handle four? And I said, I mean, yeah, I walk four, I guess. And they said, how about five? like you're juggling and that was their goal right so i said i think i could walk five yeah and they said okay get five dogs and so i turned to my girlfriend i go can i get five dogs i'm on a bringer show do you do you own a dog i own a dog is your dog in the van right now my, I have two dogs in the van that have passed away. And one is the ashes.

Okay. And one is a blanket made from the dog. Really? Yes. And what way? I took it to the taxidermist when he died. He was 200 pounds. Okay.

Oh, wow. And I took him to the taxidermist. What? The taxidermist, 200 pounds. The dog was only about five pounds. And I took him to the taxidermist. To the taxidermist for 200 pounds. The dog was only about five pounds.

I always like to describe people's weight. Yeah. Did he wear it well? It's hard to say. He was wearing a big bear. Bear head. Eagle wings. Wouldn't you, though, if you were a taxidermist? Oh, God, of course.

No one picked these up. I'm wearing these crazy... How can I help you? Just like your... The talon gloves. Like a dry cleaner wearing your shirt. Oh, yeah. 30 days is up.

It's mine now. Sitting on a horse. A stuffed horse. So you had a blanket made. It's kind of like a furry. A very furry blanket. It's a tanned hide. Does it have arms?

No, we thought that might be a little too personal. Tail? Tail? No, just the square. It kind of comes out of the shoulders, right? A little bit. Can I ask, is this too personal? Yeah. What'd you pay for the shoulders, right? A little bit. Can I ask, is this too personal?

Yeah. What'd you pay for a thing like that? A lot. It costs like $1,200. Okay. Yeah, taxidermy, I found out just from trying to rent a piece of taxidermy for a photo shoot. So expensive. Yeah.

So kids out there, if you want to invest, invest in taxes. Yeah, if you want to get into the trades, get into this. I can't imagine anything more like. You're morbid. Yeah, yeah. You're a warehouse full of formaldehyde. When the other one died, it was ashes, and that was 900. Oh. Because they come to your house and help you euthanize the animal.

Oh. And it was after hours. The dog got sick late at night. Real good podcast conversation. There's a lot of people out there that have pets. Wait, wait, wait. We never closed the door on your parents' dying dog. Did it die?

Oh, that dog died for sure. Okay. Thanks, Dave. i'm closing that all right i know but you did that one people right in oh my god this is and we're dog lovers we're animal lovers here my girlfriend makes dog food she makes that's her job if you ever want to look up her product it's called upward dog provisions and it's an all-natural, all-healthy dog meal. Huh. For non-dying dogs. For live dogs. Yeah, not the medical.

Yeah, this isn't medical grade. Yes. Although. Although. This is van grade. Her vet, our vet, actually sells the product. Oh, wow. So it's vet approved.

Now this. Kid tested, vet approved. You contested vet approved you can eat it you can eat it you can eat dog food yeah absolutely i have it's gross yeah my daughters love it oh do they yeah i have to like not let them yeah and then once you say don't then it makes it all more alluring. Mostly the biscuits. That's when you say do eat this. I've never met anybody who's had taxidermy done. Even people who hunt or whatever.

I've never met anyone who's had henna tattoos done. You haven't? No, not even at a wedding. I know. No, you have. Jane Stanton. She got henna tattoos done. It's interesting to find out. Jacuzzi. That's the most married couple thing I've ever heard.

Yes, you do. Jane. You remember her. Of course you have. She had one leg. We taxidermied it. It's awesome you go in there

and they have all the animals that people because here's the thing when you get something taxidermied you go and you drop it off and then when you come up

come back you pay for it well in that time a lot of people just go I don't want it anymore yeah and so this place is full of stuffed animals

like it's like it's like a zoo of it's a world classclass menagerie. And they're all just in a warehouse. So when you go and pick it up,

it was like wolves and moose and bears. Yeah, can I interest you in a turtle? Yeah. It's just got a big jar full of glass eyes for these things.

And the noses, the noses are maybe plastic. The nose has got to be plastic. I need a blue. I feel like it's somewhere at the bottom of the jar. Yeah. Oh,

you want them in individual compartments? Yeah. There's some, some sort of like I keep my daily pills. Um, uh, I, yeah, no, I'm, I'm, uh, like to keep my daily pills I yeah no I'm do they do human

they probably do have like a warehouse of a secret room grey market yeah like if you slide them an extra couple hundred bucks you can bring in a dead body and a wheelbarrow I heard you can do something I just got a haircut what can you make out of it You bring in a dead bunny and a wheelbarrow.

I heard you can do something. I just got a haircut. What can you make out of it? I just want the hands. So do you have, is the rabbit your only living pet at the moment? Right now, yes. Okay. And he has a great life. He lives free in the yard.

We have a giant yard for him. And he lives under the car. He goes in the house. He goes wherever he wants. Nice. He also has his hutch, which is two stories if he wants. Two story hutch. And now he sleeps. These are rabbit stories. These are not actual. Rabbit stories. Okay. Yeah. It's important especially in the real estate market yeah make sure when you are looking for a house that you specify these are human stories

well no they didn't say it was rabbit stories but i wanted to look at it anyway on a hundred rabbit acres let's just look at it What's that in dog stories? Are there no, you know, eagles in the neighborhood? There are no eagles where we are, but on the road, we have a hutch farm that covers his. We have one of those hutches that is portable, and you put it over top of him so the eagles can't get him. Right. Because there's eagles in Tawasin. Is it just an upside-down laundry basket? It looks like one. That's actually way better than what we have are you kidding

totally boned on my hutch that's a great idea so uh you you're a van guy which is awesome i love it you're a surf guy which is awesome which I love it. You're a surf guy. Which is awesome. Which is awesome. It's cliche. No, I don't think it's cliche. I don't know any other surf guys. I mean, to be a van and surf guy. Oh, that's true. Yeah. But then also to be a stand-up comedian.

That's the twist. That gets me away from that whole group a bit. Yeah, because what do most surfers do? And you're a dog walker. Yeah. You've got your dog with your thriving dog walking business. Oh, man. That was a short-lived career i was just tired of i was tired of working for peanuts peanuts was my the name of the dog

it was a little jack russell terry um now i remember you you were the finalist on Last Comic Standing, and then following that, you had to go on a tour on a bus. Not a Volkswagen bus. No, like a proper tour bus with how many people? Four other very different personalities. Yeah, yeah. Which, even if you were all the same personalities

they say you were one person with four split personalities it would still be a tough way to travel no internet no tv that those both went out in the first day and six weeks 63 days 58 shows whoa wow go go go all across the country. Every, all five comics remain standing. No. Oh, no, there was a hierarchy from one to five.

Uh huh. Oh, okay. And one closed every show and the other four rotated. Okay. Which was totally fine with me. Yeah. I think everyone wanted that.

Um, some people didn't like the order. it was interesting. It was totally fine with me. Yeah. I think everyone wanted that. Some people didn't like the order. It was interesting. It was very interesting. It was a wonderful experience because I got to experience, you know, these were all sold out, 2,000 seat theaters. People loved this show. And like, what are you doing, 15 minutes or something? 20 minutes. 20 minutes.

Where you're just going out destroying. Yeah. And then. And then going into your green room and you have a little, I had my, what do they call it, a rider. Yeah. Which is what you requested. Yeah. And they said you can just fill out your rider what you want.

And I wrote all this ridiculous shit. Two rabbits. I wrote a massage. So it doesn't have to be by somebody certified, just a massage. So they said that, request something ridiculous so that your regular list is given to you. Right. So I said a massage and a bottle of whiskey and a pineapple juice and muscle milk, I remember. Going for bulk. going for bulk the last time

you were here we had a segment where we Graham had given me a a subscription subscription to Flex Magazine

and we went through the ads of Flex Magazine anyway go on oh the muscle milk was disgusting I think after a week I didn't want muscle milk but it's too late

that's what you're getting yeah yeah yeah oh is your rider forever for the whole tour so every theater you go to, you get these things. 58. How many massages did you end up getting? I didn't get any.

Zero massages. Not one massage. But always the whiskey, always the muscle milk. So I collected all these bottles of whiskey and all this pineapple juice and all this muscle milk. I tried to get through it. What would you name a drink that was whiskey, pineapple juice, and a mussel? I want to call it a Strong Thomas. It's forever called a Strong Thomas.

Give me a Strong Tommy. Extra sinew. Blended. Shaken. But that, I mean, that's like a once in a lifetime. Once in a lifetime. Hopefully not once in a lifetime, but that was to this day my once in a lifetime. Right.

That specific kind of tour. Yeah. I don't think anyone wants to do, even like people who regularly do big theaters, they don't want to do it 58 in a row. None of us wanted to do it. Yeah. We fought it the whole time. Uh-huh. And you're being told what to do still.

And you had just got off a show where you're being told what to do. So it was, none of us were super happy. Right. Because we're also not, they're not paying you well because, I shouldn't even say this. Because you signed a contract at the very beginning of the show. They paid you really well considering, but you have a career waiting for you. Right. And they're slowing, you know, I have an opportunity to make a lot of money on my own and I'm stuck with these guys still.

That's the theory we're all thinking. I'm still with these guys still. That's the theory we're all thinking. I'm still with these fucking guys. No, are these people like, because I've been on the road with somebody for a month straight. I'm like, I never want to see you again. If we pass on the street, that would

be fine. I'm not asking for a whatever you call it, order. Yeah, no it, order. Yeah, yeah. No, no restraining order. Yeah, yeah.

But like, I don't want to, like, was it that kind of thing at the end? Or were you all like, well, that happened and maybe we'll see each other, and you were doing so much work that it was over so fast that I don't think we really got to bond. We were all, our heads were down the whole time. Right. Every day you had to fill out, you had to autograph like 200 things. Oh, really? On a table, you had a pen, and you would just go, I mean, I went through so many Sharpies. That's great.

Just going like this. Did you have a thing that you wrote? Was it a smiley face, star at the end maybe? I started with L. Patterson, and then I realized no one's going to know who that is, so I had to write Lachlan Patterson, which is so long. It's long, yeah. I would have gone Lachlan P. Yeah.

Lachlan P, I should have done that. I saw this video that was just Shawn Mendes, the singer, pop singer, signing stuff. And he has an assistant who's like pulling the pictures away as he's signing them. That's great. And it's just like, you can tell she's like wetting her fingers off camera and pulling it. And he's just got, he just does like kind of. He does like initials. Oh, cool.

Yeah. One day I would, I figured we'd get it down to LP. Yeah. It would be nice. But until then, I still got to do this. Yeah. And it's hard to get one of those like custom made stamps. Yeah.

Because you have to have it meet you somewhere on the road. That's right. A little less sincere. Yeah. Clonk, clonk, clonk. More fun, though. Way more fun. Yeah.

Stamping a thing? Sure. Lachlan approved. Now, is this things you're signing are like for posters at the gig? Posters, VIP passes. VIP passes are where the company makes all their money, I think. You pay 75 bucks a ticket

and you get to meet us right before the show starts. Oh, really? I would have thought it would have been after. You would think. Yeah. That would be cool.

Yeah. After would be nice. Yeah, yeah. But no, right before, you all come into the theater before everyone else and you sit in the front all come into the theater before everyone else, and you sit in the front two rows of the theater, and we stand on stage, and you ask us questions for 20 minutes or more.

That's very weird. And then you, one by one, walk on the stage and take a picture with us. And after everyone's taken a picture, they all come on stage, and we mingle with them. Like, just like, oh, so. So, do you really walk dogs? So, you had 75 bucks. Is it $75 for your rabbit as well or is the rabbit free?

Yeah, do rabbits get to come to these things for free? I brought that rabbit on a show. Last week, I was in Oregon doing the comedy festival, the Cannon Beach Comedy Festival, which was brand new. Okay. And it's got that brand new vibe to it, which is fine. But I decided. New festival smell. It's got that new festival, not quite ready yet festival, but it was really fun.

And I put the rabbit on the stool and I put a microphone up to his mouth. and I put a microphone up to his mouth and I hid up in the audio room with a God mic and every time people sat down, I just shouted something out. And they loved it. That's a well-behaved rabbit. He didn't move. They petted him, took pictures with him.

I told them to sit the fuck down this isn't a vip session and they think it's him they really thought it like they really get connected with it i think it's him and he did better than me well you i mean a talking rabbit any kind of talking animal you're not going to be able to compete yeah no that's why you know that's why actors they say they don't work with babies don't work with animals or talking or talking animals or water those are the three except john travolta he'll he'll do it oh he'll do he uh his most recent movie uh gaudy is that a theatrical release this is theatrical theatrical has a zero percent on the tomates On the Tomates?

On the Tomates. It's hard, man. It's hard to get those percentage points. And it's directed by one of the guys from Entourage. Which? The guy who's the agent guy. Ari?

Not Ari. E. E. The manager. The manager, sorry. He directed a pretty good 30 for 30. Oh, really? About the New York Islanders.

Oh, there you go. So he's a director now, I guess. Yeah. But we still don't even know his name. Yeah. Kevin Connolly. Kevin Connolly. My favorite director, Kevin Connolly.

One of the reviewers said there were several shots that were out of focus. That's not good. That's not in a professional movie. That's his fault. Well, like, who was their cinematographer? Turtle? I think it was Turtle. I think he brought the whole underdog gang.

I mean, you'd think you would get, like, no matter how bad the director is, everyone else is capable, right? Yeah. Yeah, but as a director, you've got gotta walk around and go that yep and yep and little turn the little thing a little yeah and now we're in focus yeah that should be something you show before you roll folks are we in focus right and this is how we found out he has a cataract why didn't you even tell me the movie's's out of focus. The other thing the reviewer said was that he uses the theme from Shaft in the movie. And he's like, you can't put the theme from Shaft in any other movie except for Shaft. It's Shaft.

It's Shaft. It's the theme from. Is that the director's fault as well? Probably. Yeah. I think so too. Yeah. None of this is John Travolta's fault.

Apparently he's very good. Well, what's the theme from Gotti? Gotti, you've been so naughty. You're such a hottie. Look at that body. Well, it's pretty good. That's from Gotti, the stage presentation. Chicago?

By Lin-Manuel Miranda. So, and now, like how many days a week are you surfing are you like all the time surfing i mean i sprained my ankle um so i haven't been lately but i was going probably four days a week wow i'm addicted to it it's it's so much like comedy where it's hard it's so hard i don't call myself a surfer just like i never called myself a comedian until I was getting paid for it. I just like surfing and I'm not good at it. Right. And you know that day's never coming where you're getting paid to surf.

Yes, I do. But I also know that day's probably not coming where I'm going to even be good at it. Do you ever want to rob a bank? Does that count as getting paid to serve? It's related. It's a related field. Yeah, yeah. I worked with a comedian once when I first started in L.A.

who did rob a bank and went to jail and was shot. In jail? No, he was shot robbing a bank. The bank was on the second floor. And I just... See, that's bank robbery 101.

Upstairs from a gun store. Yeah, you want ground level banks. Second floor banks, man. Oh, boy. I've seen one in my life. Yeah. And I would think they'd be on the second floor for that exact purpose. Unless you're Jason Bourne.

He seems to be able to get out of that situation. Yeah, he's on the roof. I've never seen a Jason Bourne vehicle. Really? Yeah. Oh, it's usually like a mini. Is Jim from The Office, is he now Jason Bourne? No, he is now Jack Ryan.

Oh, he's Jack Ryan. What's the difference? One has the worst case of amnesia I've ever seen in my life. He just can't remember anything. has the worst case of amnesia I've ever seen in my life. He just can't remember anything. And the other keeps changing, like changes his body every two movies.

Okay. So Jack Ryan is, is a, like a James Bond. Like it's, it's not identified with any one actor. I say it's identified with Harrison Ford. Yeah.

But it was Alec Baldwin first. Yeah. And then Harrison Ford and then Ben Affleck once. Yep. And then Harrison Ford. And then Ben Affleck once? Yeah. And that's it? And now Jim from The Office. And then... The only line that just keeps getting in my head is, the machine is still on, Moira. Which one's that from? Which is the line from Clear and Present Danger.

Oh, okay. Is that Get Off My Plane? No, that's the Air Force one. No, it is. That's also Jack Ryan. Yeah, yeah. That's Jack Ryan? President Jack Ryan. President Jack Ryan. plane no that's that's air force one no it is that's also jack yeah is that that's jack ryan president jack ryan president i don't know i don't know is this all tom clancy yeah okay and jason bourne though is only matt damon yes and i'll have you know it's robert ludlum no no jason bourne is only matt damon who who was Jeremy Renner was he a different yeah no

oh he was a different he was in the Bourne-iverse Bourne yes he's a different Bourne he's a newborn yeah well didn't we

Baby Bjorn didn't we come up with a band a band that was Baby Bjorn the Baby Bourne identity didn't we come up with a band that was Dave Bjorn the baby Bjorn identity didn't we come up with a band that was four non-bonds

and it was different spies it was Jason Bourne and Ethan Ethan Mission Impossible Ethan Mission Impossible

Ethan Hawk the but he forgets everything except how to do all the killing. It's the weirdest amnesia. He doesn't constantly forget.

If you told him something now, he'd remember it. Okay. But he forgets that he was a killing machine. He forgets everything before a certain date. Right. And even after four movies, he's still not clear. Yeah. He's still remembering.

Someone should be like, hey, man, here's you. Right? Yeah. Something Treadstone. Treadstone is, I don't know, Blackwater. Black Briar. Sure. He really likes Black Adder.

The oddest amnesia. And then, like, in these movies, always ex-Navy SEALs. Was he a Navy SEAL? Yeah. Green Beret? He was specially trained. He's a specially trained super soldier. But, like, they should do some, you know, men in black, like, clearing out.

Because there's too many ex-Navy SEALs around who would then go rogue. Yes. You know? Jesse Ventura. Yeah. The Taken guy, wasn't he an ex-navy seal or something like that but i feel like he these are people who don't want to kill that's the thing is that's the problem you got to continue to want to kill right they've walked away from killing yes once every time they

think they're out they get pulled back in right it. It's the Rambo effect. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I don't want to lose a bite to eat. They're remaking First Blood. Really? The original filmed in Hope.

Hope, British Columbia. Yeah. They're remaking it. With who? I don't even know who, but if we're on the subject of movies, I'm looking out for that because that was great. Yeah. I love that movie. And it's, Hope is like, they have a festival every year they do yeah for like rambo fest

there was like when they had to destroy the they had to demolish the bridge from rambo and that was a big deal yeah did you get the rambo knife that was on the back of the tv digest no did you yeah wow the rambo knife was big after Rambo came out. This is a big knife with teeth on one side, maybe? Yeah, and it had a compass on the back that you unscrewed, and inside was a thread and needle, so you could stitch up your wound like Rambo. Cool. And a piece of wire to cut down a tree.

Was this on the back of a magazine? It was back of a TV guide guide or what was the bigger one? TV Times. TV Times. Oh, TV Times. The local one, yeah. But it would be, how would you affix a knife with a big, like a compass handle to a magazine? No, you would send away.

You send away. Oh, I thought you said it came on the back. They did it. They rolled, they stuck it on there. there well i thought maybe at first i was like oh it's like you know a perforated edge but then when you described the handle i was like this is this is too complicated flat handle so what did you did you have to send away like a very thin knife it only goes north and south the compass only does the two dimensions it was a piece of paper but you held it like a knife

it convinced everyone except a certain dundee It was a piece of paper, but you held it like a knife. It convinced everyone except a certain Dundee. Oh, yeah. That was a real... It was a knife decade. Yeah, it was a big decade for big knives. Although Rambo I most associate with a giant machine gun. Yeah. The M60, yes.

But I also like... There was some movie, maybe one of the Dirty Harry movies, and the guy, he had a giant knife that then also had a thing that went over the knuckles that had spikes. And I always, when I was a kid, I was like, what the hell are those spikes for? Like, if you miss with the knife, then you catch them with the spikes. Yeah, I guess if, yeah, if you're not going to stab them, you can just punch them.

But. Put some holes in their head. So you're talking about, like, basically, brass knuckles. Brass knuckles, but with. Those fuckles knuckles.

Yeah, with spikes. With spikes, because the brass isn't vicious enough. Could you, oh, could you imagine punching someone with spiky knuckles

and your hand stuck in them? You're like, oh. Then you just have to leave the knife there. You're like, I'd change my mind. I don't want to be

a taxidermist. And like, your parents were fine with you getting, like this was a knife when it came in the mail was metal and. Yeah,

you could order this and because it was the TV Times and it was Rambo was in the TV Times i'm sure it was gonna be on uh tv check sure yeah check seven six so you gotta you immediately were like oh i saw the movie now i need the knife yeah and i'm gonna go live in the woods. It wasn't. So this was for adults to order? I mean, it was for adults.

But it was really for adults to tell their kids you can't have it. Yeah. Because it was. I mean, my cousin got it. I never got it. But he got it. And it was a piece of shit. It was a piece of shit knife. Yeah.

The compass only pointed north. We cut open his arm. We tried to stitch it back together that thread didn't hold my cousin got lost in the woods we never found him again the last thing we found was some wire in a tree he was at the top of a mountain walked into a volcano kept going north oh man uh dave what's going on with you oh not a heck of a lot uh the other night uh i I kept going north. Oh, man. Oh, man. Dave, what's going on with you? Oh, not a heck of a lot.

The other night, I was awoken. Awokened? Awakenings? I woke up at 3.30 in the morning, and it smelled delicious. Oh, yeah? And a house was on fire. Oh, no. Oh, man. That's exactly what a house smells like a house was on fire. Oh no! Oh man. That's exactly what a house

smells like when it's on fire. Yeah, but I thought I would have thought if a house caught fire it would smell like you know burning electronics or like plastic

or but it was just like Just wood? Maybe the house was made of mesquite. Oh yeah. Mesquite was a very popular building material.

It was very cheap and plentiful. Some carpenters sprinkle seasoning on the wood as they're building. I see them. Yeah. Buried a roast pig in the basement. They take lunch breaks on the rails and they sprinkle. Oh, yeah. I've seen those photos.

I know what you're talking about. They're smoking their cabinets. You know, the old 1916 photo. Yeah. Everyone's out on the beam. On the beam. Everybody's having lunch. A lunch on a beam.

How come that never became a theme for a restaurant? Theme lunch for Bonzo. Oh, a theme for a restaurant? You go eat on a beam? You go eat on a beam. Was it last summer? Just a bunch of beams inside. They had the restaurant? You go eat on a beam? You go eat on a beam. Was it last summer? Just a bunch of beams inside. They had the giant platform that you eat on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Outside? Like above the city? Yeah, it was like a big platform and then a crane. Famous photo we're talking about, right? No, it was like every night they had a new group of people. You paid whatever, $300 and you got to go. You went and ate up on a platform that was lifted up by a crane come on for real really yeah yeah

i wouldn't want that no me neither and i guess it seems like it'd be very windy yeah and you had to wear one of those red bull like flying squirrel suits just in case ah just to go from eating to flying through the air yeah exactly it's the last thing you want to do after a nice meal

a full stomach yeah that's why you never saw like human cannonballs like just finishing off spaghetti before they went and I'm ready

meatballs and cannonballs uh anyway back to the topic of conversation oh yes eating lunch on a beam uh no your house was on fire oh no my house wasn't on fire a house but it was it's weird when there's a house on fire at three in the morning the uh the complete two blocks completely full of fire trucks no sirens like the lights were on but they didn't want to wake anyone oh that's nice i think they would be like hey everyone wake up it's a fire a block away that's the most canadian thing i've ever heard so polite the most polite fire department yeah like some of my neighbors didn't wake up for it. Guys, shh. Guys, shh. They put blankets over the lights. Yeah.

It's just like a nice. They put little rubber stoppers on the X. This is making me nervous. They put cotton on the end of the. Yeah. Chainsaw. They have a silencer on their chair. It's how far away was this um a block okay half a block yeah so it was uh that way no one hurt i don't believe so okay and the house the next day

so i wake up at 3 30 in the morning and like you smell smoke but it's it's that weird thing of like is our house on fire oh yeah like how strong would it smell if my house was on fire if it was just a little bit on fire i think it would smell this strong yeah yeah where where in this house would there be a fire yeah abby was awake already so i asked her and she said oh it's up the street huh um i like how you react to your house on fire is Is my house on fire? But just a little bit on fire? It smells really nice. Are my babies dying?

But the smell was like campfire smell? Yeah. Okay. I love it. Nice. It was nice. And then the next day, yeah, I went and I looked at the house that was presumably on fire and I could not tell. It wasn't, you know.

Oh, it wasn't destroyed no oh uh and so i walked around i walked around the alleyway i couldn't see i couldn't tell uh i think it might be a hoarding uh situation oh that'll do it the fire didn't make its way from the inside to the outside although now now. All those, all those periodicals. Yeah, exactly. See those in hoarders. They got a, they, they, they might still want to send away for that Rambo night.

I bet they have that one. Yeah. And so the, but then like a couple of days later, the whole house got covered in a giant tarp. Oh yeah. Which I don't know what, what's the plan there.

It'll probably just be there years from now. Shame. Shame. Sorry, you're getting the shame tarp. Blue. Maybe. Are they going to spray for bugs? I don't know.

But, I mean, if you are a hoarder, a fire, it's a quick solution. It's a good thing. Yeah. Followed by heavy downpour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything needs to exist in balance. Yeah, you can't recover shit. But like,

it's weird that there's no visual that you can't tell that it was on fire. The only thing I could tell the next day was the front door was boarded up. Good structure. Good house, that's why. The houses in your neighborhood are really strong. The only thing I could tell the next day was the front door was boarded up. Good structure. Yeah. Good house, that's why. The houses in your neighborhood are really strong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this wolf came by. So horny for pigs. And it was. Wait, now in that story, the wolf wanted to fuck the pigs. I didn't know that. I thought he just wanted to eat the pigs. Huh. I only, I didn't. When did I thought he just wanted to eat the pigs. Huh.

I only, I didn't. When did you guys hear this story? I knew that they upgraded the story. Did you hear this as children? No. Yeah. Well, I learned it from a band called Green Jelly. Oh, shit.

No, yeah. This is Horny Wolf. Yeah. Lonely Horny Wolf. Swung by. And yeah, some advances on some pigs. Looking for some straw homes. Some blowing.

Yeah. Et cetera. Twigs, straw, and bricks. Straw, sticks, and bricks. Yeah. Stupid pigs. Except for that brick pig. In your version of the story, I'm sure we've talked about this before.

Did those pigs get away and then go to the, go to the stronger pig's house? Like does the, or does the pig get eaten? In the version I always, when I grew up with was every pig moved in with the next over pig. Yeah. And mine too. Yeah. And mine too. Yeah. And the one I read my children, they get,

I believe the term is gobbled up. Oh yeah. Damn. Which is why I think I might, that's why I'm thinking of horny wolves. But how does it end? Does he go down a chimney? Yeah,

into a pot. Into a pot. Did you guys have pets as a kid? Yes. Did, when your pets, when your parents had to put your pets down, what did they say they did with your pets? I was of the age where it was like our dog bit a neighbor, and so we'd legally have to put him down. There was no fanciful punishment.

My hamster, my parents met Richard Gere. So that's where this rumor got started. My hamster, my parents met Richard Gere. And it was, I was. So that's where this rumor got started. The Geers. No, we did have a dog. Yeah. And it went to live on a farm. On a farm.

And then a year later, the people who lived on the farm took a vacation and we had to dog sit the dog. So the dog really did go to a farm. Wow. My dad said that our dog went to work on a Frisbee factory at a farm. Like a dog heaven? Like the most. Like the greatest place ever. Yeah.

Why would there be a Frisbee factory on a farm? Why would there be a Frisbee factory on a farm? Your dog has been sent to compete for the National Tug of War team. I mean, if you want to protect your kids and shelter them from death, that's the move right there. Frisbee factory. Frisbee factory. That's very funny. Well, the first dog that our family had uh we we had to get rid of it but they didn't put it down but they said they gave it to somebody we all thought that they had put it down but then

that person that adopted the dog was like running for city council and the dog was in all of their oh my god promotional materials well we're like the two people in the history of the world whose parents got rid of a dog. Yeah. So we thought that they had put it down. Did the dog win city council? The dog did. She didn't. I would vote for a dog.

Yeah. For sure. Look, they're going to do exactly what they pledged they're going to do. They're going to be loyal. Yeah. They're going to dig a hole. Going to dig that hole until they find something interesting. They're going to poop every once in a while.

Yeah. Absolutely. On the carpet. Yeah. Maybe on the carpet, maybe outside. You know what? I'm a city hall dog. I can do whatever I want.

It would be fun to just run for city council as a dog. dog. I can do whatever I want. It would be fun to just run for city council as a dog, like have the voice off camera and just see if you could still win. I'm sure you could. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure. When you go and you vote and you have to give a check

mark next to the name, it would be cool if you had just like secretly brought in a little stamp of a dog paw. Oh, yeah. It seems like a dog voted in this election. I don't know why that's fun. Like no one ever, there's no, you never find out about it. It'd be fun for the ballot counter.

Yeah, there'd be one elective who'd be like, he's not from this country. It's a foreign dog. Yeah, and then they bring out the rule book. There's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't vote. Cannot vote. A smear campaign on a dog. Oh, boy. Yeah, exactly.

This is not that dog's toy. Yeah. He's got 40 children. I mean, I smeared some peanut butter over some, and Richard Gere came over. Anyway. Poor Richard Gere. He's Anyway, poor Richard Gere. He's really taking it in the teeth.

He had to get his stomach pumped. There was so much peanut butter in there. Oh, boy. That would be a good, like, a terrible celebrity rumor about a dog. Like, Olassie had to get her stomach pumped, and there was so much peanut butter in there. Great.

What's going on with you? This past weekend, I know Dino Archie, the previous guest on the

show. His fiance is a wrestler. Yeah. A professional wrestler? Professional wrestler.

Wow. And so this. She's not ready to call herself a surfer yet, but. But she wrestles. She wrestles. In the pro wrestling style. No Greco Roman. Okay.

No sumo. No sumo. None of that bullshit. No wrestling with your conscience. Yeah, that's true. And this weekend there was an event called the Glam Slam, which is wrestling and then some burlesque. And it was so much fun.

You went to it. I went to it. Where was this? This was at the Wise Hall. Cool. And it was really, I've never seen the two combined. And I was like, well, this is. Burlesque and rest?

Yeah. And it really fits. Was the burlesque wrestling themed? Were there any like. There was a burlesque dancer who wrestled. Okay. And she was great. She was like, she should be a wrestler.

Because she was so good. And her costume. See, the burlesque people, their costumes. Off the charts. Yes. So so you know they've already got half they're halfway

there yes they stop though yeah that's right they're halfway there

and they stop it's like a stripper but they don't play the last song that's oh that's true

with the burlesque yeah it's just like I'm down to this and then goodnight yeah it's like

if strippers were married. Right. And I'm going to go to bed now. Yeah. The last thing they do is they put on a nightcap. Blow out a candle. And they just roll over and turn out the light. Put on some mustache bleach and go to bed.

For less. Put on some mustache bleach and go to bed. For less. And so she wrestled a man called Lady's Choice who came out and said, I'll wrestle any woman in the crowd. And she stood up. I'll fight you. It was scripted?

It was planned? How should I know? I don't know. As far as I know, it's all real. Scripted on Andy Kaufman's career. Right. Yeah, exactly. It was very, it was, anyways, it was great fun.

And there was one match, the one with the burlesque dancer. And the heel came out. She was so good. She was so good at being, you know, riling people up. She was stealing people's signs and tearing them up nice that was great and uh at one point uh i was booing her and she told me to shut the fuck up and then i got into it with her screaming back and forth oh man wrestling is the most fun wow yeah wrestling is. Wrestling is fun. Yeah. Like, I felt like a kid. I was like, oh, man, I'm actually yelling

at this stranger. And you didn't care that the fighting wasn't real? No. Great. And the stripping wasn't real. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. Have you ever gone

to live wrestling? I went to see The Rock fight Stone Cold Steve Austin when I was 24. And I had the Stone Cold Steve Austin was the good guy at the time. The Rock was the bad guy. And so I had a sign that said, we made my friend. And this was at a community center? No, this was at GM Place. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. This was at the Wise Hall. This was at the Polish community. This was before they were famous. They were both just dog walkers. And they were stuck on tour together. Dog walker would be a good wrestling gimmick. Comes out with a bunch of dogs.

Ties them up outside the ring. Did Junkyard Dog have a dog? No, he was the dog. Yeah. He came out, he had a chain. Yeah, yeah. He had that song, George Clinton, bow, wow, wow. Yippee-yoh, yippee-yay.

But yeah, you come out with the Bluetooth and all the leashes. You got like eight dogs and you're trying to take a phone call and you got bags. I see it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then you tie them up outside the ring. Yeah.

And then you just come in. Yeah. We got to make this quick. I went and my sign said, do you smell what the rock, do you smell what my mom is cooking? And my buddy had a sign that said, Matt loves loves yen which was a buddy of ours was dating this girl he didn't like which is very common when you're in your 20s to date a girl you don't like and we thought we were so cool with our signs and in front of us uh was a kid just a just a little kid and his mom and he had a sign right in front of my face that i never forget it said china has

a dick this is was a kid? This was a tiny little kid. And I realized how adult wrestling was, man. Wow. A real pro wrestling is, it's adult, man. Yeah. It's not for kids. Yeah.

It was, I think it was for kids when I was a kid. Because there were like characters that were like, I'm a tugboat man. Yeah. Like, I'm a a tugboat man. Yeah. Like I'm a little tugboat man. Ricky the Dragon tugboat? No, there was a guy called Tugboat. Okay.

Yeah, Leapin' Lanny Popple. Yeah, yeah. For sure. They were like cartoons. Totally. Now they hammer their groin and fireworks go flying. Out of their groin? They go like this and they they go, suck it.

This is nowadays, like 2001, when that happened. Does suck it still happen? I don't know. But now it's all these guys, and they just have their real sounding names. Yeah. They don't have. Diamond Dallas Page. I don't know.

It's not real. They don't have. Diamond Dallas Page. I don't know. So real. They don't have. CM Punk. Yeah. They're not called, you know, the Leprechaun or something like that, you know. Rowdy Roddy Piper, man. That was. Yeah.

He was just a piper. And now there's Rowdy Ronda Rousey. That's right. She did it last week, right? Yeah. She's got, and she like wears the same shirt and the leather jacket and everything. She's got like 10 more movies coming out too. Is she really?

I looked into it. I was like, because I had a tweet about like, why isn't Ronda Rousey in any more movies? Just kind of as a joke because she's terrible in movies. Yeah, yeah. And then I checked and she's got a bunch more coming out. Although Roadhouse

is canceled. Yeah, which is too bad because I want to see a modern. Yeah. I mean, forever, you know, Patrick Swayze is Roadhouse.

Yeah. But I'm interested in seeing a new interpretation. Who would you cast? You have to cast. Rousey. I saw the remake of Point Break and that was terrible bode was no patrick swayze

so i don't i don't agree with remaking patrick swayze movies oh sure good call didn't they redo dirty dancing they did they did dirty dancing too oh yeah they do a state? Did they do like a made for TV? I forget. They redid Footloose. Uh-huh. And what about Ghost? No, no, that's a classic. Can't touch it. Can't touch it. Yeah.

Nominated for best picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Wolfie Goldberg, didn't she win best actress? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still to this day when I feel like I'm, if I ever die, I hope I don't hear that sound of those ghouls. The wailing shadows. That's how you know. I still think that's a great.

I haven't seen it. What? You haven't seen Ghost? You haven't seen Ghost? No. I got it on VHS from McDonald's. Yeah, so good. When he takes the penny up the wall or whatever.

Yeah. Got to watch Ghost. Yeah, everybody, homework assignment, watch Ghost. I know I'm going to. I love that you give homework assignments. So you liked wrestling? I did I enjoyed wrestling

And I think that The mix of Wrestling and burlesque Natural fit How about wrestling And comedy? Yeah that seems to be A pretty good fit

Do you think you could Follow a wrestler? No A solo wrestler? Just a wrestling match Just walk up there afterwards and go how's everyone how's everyone doing i don't think so if it was like the last comic standing crowd and for some reason a wrestling match started it would be easy to follow me like that's not what

you bought tickets for weird right there's a show in Edinburgh at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival that's like a one-night-only show, and it's half wrestlers and half comedians. Oh, man. And the comedians all train, too, and it's like a Royal Rumble. So everybody's in the ring, and some of these comedians are only in for 30 seconds kind of thing. They do a couple moves and then get thrown out of the ring. Wow. But it is so much fun so you know maybe i will maybe uh when i hit you know officially middle age i'll become a wrestler

that seems like the right time to do that right yeah sure you're getting bone spurs and things like that when you're having unexplained pain bone spur would be a good wrestler name. Trademark, trademark. I am Bonespur. Do we want to move on to... Do we want to move on to overheards? Sure. Sure, man. Now I know what you're thinking. I'm no nerd.

I wouldn't listen to a Star Trek podcast. If you're listening to any podcast, you're a nerd. Just admit it. We're all in the school's band practice room having our lunch together away from the rest of the school yeah and we're here to tell you about our star trek podcast yeah and uh even if you don't even like star trek that much but you are a nerd which admit it you are you will like this show you shouldn't be too ashamed to subscribe

and download the greatest generation on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Overheard. Overheard. A segment in which, you know, if you hear things and they're funny, why not share them? Don't keep them to yourself. And we always like to start with the guest. Auckland, would you please?

I will. I was at the beach, of course, just chilling in Venice. Yeah. And there was these two girls next to me, and it was cloudy out, and they were trying to suntan. And I remember it was like February or something like that. I even wrote this down because i want to remember what she said but the two girls were complaining that the there was no sun and they didn't know if they were still getting a tan so one of them grabs her phone and goes siri is this a good time to get a tan And I regret that I couldn't quite hear what Siri said.

Yeah. Well, why don't we try right now? Yeah, see what Siri says. This is a good time to get a tan. This is our segment we do on the show, See What Siri Says. It's really good for, it's like sort of a tongue twister, kind of overcoming your lisp thing. Siri, is now a good time to get a tan? Is that what it was?

Okay. I found this on the web for us now. Is that a good time to get a tan? Okay. Now, I have Google, which is the same thing, and it usually gets you right there. Okay. So let's try that.

All right. Okay, Google. See, these things never work. Oh, because the volume's down. Is this a good time to get a tan? According to best blue light therapy devices for acne, if you already have a base tan or have darker skin that is less prone to burning than laying out when the sun is at its hottest between noon and 3 p.m., you're more likely to tan faster.

This is usually the recommended time for people to tan, but in order to tan safely, you should consider your tanning experience. What level am I at in my tanning experience? I'm sort of a novice. Tanning experience, man. You got to have that. Some people don't have it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sort of a novice. Tanning experience, man. You got to have that. Some people don't have it. No. They just burn.

But some, yeah, some days they tell you to like, even if it's cloudy, people tell you to wear sunscreen. Yes. Because of the flare. If you have tanning, I have a lot of tanning experience.

You do though. Because you're tanned, but you're not overly, you're not crazy tanned. Thank you. I feel like if it's cloudy you could still get tanned yeah just take your time be patient ladies you're gonna get a tan um it's always a good time does anyone ever show up in venice asking where the gondola's at where you

live do you hear a lot of that on the beach hey Hey, where's the, we're going to get a good pizza pie. That kind of thing. All the time. Okay. I go, no, no, that's. That's over there. You take 13th Street. All the way. All the way.

All the way through Oregon. Get on an airplane. Dave, do you have an over? Mine is from the swimming pool I was in the kitty pool with my kitty meow oh cats hate it

and then there was a there's a big pool next to it and there was a birthday party and part of the birthday party was had a water balloon fight

oh fun and so much fun and then there but in the kitty pool there was like a six year old-old kid. These were 11-year-old boys having a water balloon fight.

And the six-year-old boy had like, as the water, as the birthday party ended, he like grabbed two water balloons and snuck them back to the kiddie pool. Like it was, like he was going to get caught. And one of them was very full and very circular spherical yeah the other one was still pretty full but if you squeezed it it got you know a little bit longer kind of floofy yeah and he uh i just he was yelling to his dad it's penis shaped it's penis shaped in the pool it wasn't that penis shape. Everything that we think he was saying. That's all I ever think. That's penis shaped.

Those are boobs. I do that all the time. Yeah. That clouds a butt. When was the last, like, what age were you at when you last had a water balloon?

No. I feel like I was in my teen years because it was still, it was still like a thing to do, throw people the water balloons.

So my sister, her house has, because I feel like water balloon fights, someone always cries because the water's too cold. Well,

the water's too cold or they get hit right in the eye or something like that. her house has hot and cold like hose water. Wow.

Like there's a hot water hot water balloon to water the plants? No, apparently it's for washing your car. But like,

that's what the person who set it up said. Right. But it's great for like a slip and slide. Oh yeah. On a cold day. A nice hot slip and slide on it up said. Right. But it's great for like a slip and slide. Oh, yeah. On a cold day. A nice hot slip and slide on a cold morning.

Yeah. Slip out to your car. Oh, just that. Oh, man. All wars should be fought with balloon, water balloon. Yes. Thank you. But then, you know, somebody's going to freeze one of them

and that's going to escalate. Someone's going to make a bigger balloon. Yeah, yeah, Someone's going to put acid in one.

Yeah. I was going to say like Tabasco, but sure. I wish all countries thought like you, Dave. Yeah.

Yeah. We're going with Tabasco. We'll rule the world. It would have not like, oh yeah. I mean, I've, I've, I've, uh, there's a Chipotle near where I work.

Yeah. And I go there quite often. And they have Chipotle. I thought it was Chipotle brand Tabasco, but it's just Chipotle pepper Tabasco. Oh yeah. It's great. And I think that's the only thing I like about that restaurant. So I just bought some of that and now I put it on every, like.

Chipotle. Yeah. Chipotle Tabasco. You could just take them from the Chipotle. They don't even care. That's true. They're stealing like water balloons from a kid's birthday party. No one's going to stop you.

It looks like a wiener. Yeah. The Cholula tip, the wooden lid. Does kind of look like a wiener. What is your deal my deal is I have an overseen that it became clear what like it was a guy

walking at a distance and I he was wearing a clearly like a concert t-shirt and I thought it was a P.O.D remember that band POD? We are, we are the youth of the nation. we are.

Yeah. But it said POD. And then there was a picture of like the, I guess the lead singer of the POD. And I was like, huh, that's weird. Cause like they're kind of a band. Yeah.

And it was weird that they just had the lead singer. But, and as, as the guy got closer, like he was a real old guy. And I was like, I don't know what age P.O.D. fans are. The youth of a nation.

Yeah, the youth of a nation. And then as he got closer, it said Rod. It was Rod Stewart. And he was blocking out part of it. Did he have blood locks? Yeah. So from a distance, I thought it was a P.O.D. shirt. Up close, it was Rod blocking out Did he have bedlocks? Yeah.

So from a distance, I thought it was a POD shirt. Up close, it was Rod blocking out part of his own name. Remember when Rod Stewart played Woodstock 99? Yeah, people rioted. But why not? You had to follow POD, man. Rod, you're on after P.O.D. No!

Fly me! Give me some soccer balls to kick out the audience. They already did it! They already did! What? Can you name a second P.O.D. song? No. I feel so alive!

Oh, yeah. And there was a car crash. It's been so long time. There were car crashes in the video. I want you to know it. Oh, yeah. And there was a car crash. It's been so long time. There were car crashes in the video. I want you to know it. Or something. I wonder if there's. Do you have an opening song? Do you guys have a specific song you come out to?

When we do the podcast, we come out to Man, I Feel Like a Woman. Shania. Yeah. I went to a Shania. Oh. Go ahead. Go ahead. Maybe that wasn't them

the other one according to Spotify their second most this is I believe that's how

every song starts yeah oh someone's listening to my account elsewhere

it's boom it's boom boom here come the boom oh that's boom. It's boom. Boom. Here come the boom. Oh, that's them? Yeah. From the Kevin James documentary. From the documentary.

Where he gave up acting, became a teacher, gave up that, became an MMA fighter. Yep. Oh, boy. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people

all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Jackson in Ontario. I work at a jail, and because of that, I'm exposed to a lot of great overheards. This is an inmate while waiting in line. A lot of line waiting. Absolutely. Are you kidding me?

Like it's just all line up. Hurry up. I got a shit to do. And he's looking over at the library book cart. Right. Classic. Classic jail. Right.

Check those books though. This guy says, how often are those books changed? The officer says, the library changes them about every two weeks. Inmate, exasperated sigh of frustration. Why don't they just euthanize us? How does the library work in jail where they change out the books every two weeks? How long can you check them out for? I guess as long as... I guess you can probably read them pretty fast because there's nothing else to do.

Yeah. I mean, you're not going through 250 books in two weeks. How big is the cart? That's true. And what kind of books are they? Does it come from the library? Like, does the real library lend the books to the... Yeah.

Or do they just end up with books that have been banned by... Oh, sure. Books that have been imprisoned. Well, what was the famous book in Escape from Alcatraz? Remember, it was like a Boy Scout magazine, and in it, like, that's how they escaped. The Boy Scout magazine had How to Build a Raft. Ah. A lot of rubber coats.

Yeah, so there's probably... Check the books. build a raft. A lot of rubber coats. Yeah, so there's probably... Check the books. Yeah, they have to make sure it's not the Shawshank Redemption. Was that a book or... Was that a book first? The novelization. How did you escape? I read the Shawshank Redemption.

Is that a Stephen King? Yep. Oh, yeah. Reading the Green Mile. Reading the Green Mile. It's not a Tom Clancy? Sure. Tom Clancy would never let one of his guys get imprisoned.

Yeah. He's, they're too smart. He just makes them forget everything. That's Robert Ludlow. Damn it. This next one comes from. Don't even get me started on Clive Cussler. Yeah. What is Clive Cussler. Yeah.

What is Clive Cussler? Who's his guy? I think he's, he just does boats, submarines. Oh yeah. Yeah. Uh, and then this is, this is basically like romance novels for 60 year old guys in cargo shorts. There was also a book that like a character from a series of books that Denzel Washington played in a movie called

devil in a blue dress and then nobody else played it until tyler perry played him in a in a recent film and i was like that's the same character yeah what was that character's name medea This next one comes from Amarina W I'm in a Target And I keep crossing paths with three little boys One was building a house out of twigs The oldest boy Is pushing the younger two

In a shopping cart I don't know where their adults are I just overheard one of the boys say Do you want to play garbage man Take the corner really fast. I won't fall off. Garbage Man, I guess, in a shopping cart. One's hanging off.

Picking up garbage and throwing it into the cart. Dream job. When you were a kid, did you not think that was the best? Absolutely. You got your free gloves. Free gloves. Get to go through everybody's garbage. You get to listen to rock music as loud as you want.

Now, I guess the recycling guy does it by hand. But the garbage trucks are just a machine picks up, a claw picks up your garbage. Yeah. Shakes everything onto the ground and throws it away. It's the same basic thing. It's the same basic principle. I got a robot. It's super clean.

No, we want it to do the exact same work. Like we want it to just throw the bins wherever. Can it break them? Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. And this last one comes from Erica in Chicago. I was at the Art Institute in the Modern Gallery, and there was a painting on the wall that looked a lot like a Playboy photo of a topless lady.

A man and a boy of about nine or ten years old walked by, and the man said to the boy, You wanted to ask about the breasts. Then they were too far away to hear anything until about 30 seconds to a minute later when we passed by each other again and I heard the man say, when you're an artist,

you can do anything you want. Yeah. Yeah. It's true. Yeah, your boss can't tell you to stop drawing boobs. That's right. But you have to declare yourself an artist first.

Relax, I'm an artist yeah yeah don't hassle me i know what i'm doing let me touch your breasts i mean draw your breasts in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls you want to call us guys it's there's you definitely don't need to be an artist to do it. If you want to call us, just dial 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham and special guests.

This is Michelle calling from North Carolina. We've been overheard. My husband and I were walking through our neighborhood, and we hear a little bit of a disturbance up ahead, but you know, we're just walking, minding our business. And we come up to this house and just as we're coming up to it, some loud noises that are indescribable. And then the front door bursts open and a man walks out, like a young man walks out holding a giant white duck.

And he just says, it's not flying time, Elliot. Apparently there was a time for flying. I'm not sure. And then he releases the duck and sits down in the front yard. And then they have kind of like a quacking conversation. That's enough. Oh, boy. I love that that's an overheard.

I just overheard him burst through my door with a flapping duck. Through his own door. Yeah, was he bursting? He was through his own door yeah he was it was he bursting he was bursting i think he was going outside yeah okay although if it's not flying time i would say stay inside yeah yeah yeah i mean i'm no duck wrangler i thought you wrangled ducks no no that's a common misconception yeah i my name is duck wrangler oh yeah i have a pair of duck wrangler jeans oh yeah sure they've got a pair of Duck Wrangler jeans. Oh, yeah, sure. They've got a little W on the pockets. They're white.

Oh, cool. They're white with an orange belt. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and fantastic guests. Thank you. This is Beth from Ohio calling in with an overheard. I was on my way to work this morning and these two cars pulled out on the street. They pulled out of the parking lot at the same time.

It's a white car and a brown car. And the white car was this like little shitty souped up kind of car with like one of those really loud annoying mufflers and he was kind of like um you know like zooming in between people um trying to get over to a turn lane quickly um so he's being kind of a jerk and um he stopped and then the other car that had pulled out behind him stopped right next to him and uh the guy in the white car rolled down his window, and he said in this really bro-y voice, he yelled out the window, he said, What's up, fucker? And the other guy replied, Hello. Like he thought, hey, what's up, fucker?

How do you do? That's just that guy's accent. That's the bro-y voice. Yeah, yeah. What's up, fucker? Hello. Hi. Hello.

Oh. Welcome. Yeah. Looking at real estate in your neighborhood. Oh, who me? I'm not a fucker. Oh, man.

All right. Final overheard. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Sarah from Austin, Texas. So I'm in cosmetology school down here, and I have an instructor that's like 800 years old and from Kansas City, so she talks like a lot.

And the other day she came up to me and she told me, Sarah, if you took your piercings out you'd whistle in the wind i mean i have thought about that from time to time that's what an old person would say to you yeah but also like like you know how sometimes people get the cheek piercings? Yeah. You take that out, and then you, like, blow a little bit of hair. Well, there was this wolf in my neighborhood.

Tell me more. Uh-huh. Wolf Blitzer? Yeah. Wolf Blitzer had the, he got those cheek piercings in my neighborhood. And then he blew some pigs. I always wanted. It must have been horny for pigs i always wanted to do that whistle where you didn't have to go like with pucker you just

the one way it just yeah through your teeth oh yeah maybe get a pierced tongue it's like the kind you use with your fingers but they don't seem to need fingers for that yeah i want to do that guy that would be great. I think you have to be a gym teacher. Yeah. Yeah. My dad can do it and he was a gym teacher. There you go.

They, it's proof positive is what I'm saying. Like that. Yeah. And that's the kind of thing that you cannot teach. It's so mad. I know I've tried to, he's tried to teach me. I'm like, I can't. It's like when he gave you a whistle and a clipboard.

It's like comedy. Yeah. Whistling. Now, Lachlan, this is the end of the episode. Okay. Do you have anything coming up in the next five years that you want people to know about? I got a new album I'm recording this weekend. So hopefully it'll be out by this summer.

Okay. You got a name? I don't. What was your last album called? Well, I did the Jokes to Make Love To. Yes. And I have a comedy special. Is that an album?

It's not really an album. It's a special, but they released it on audio as well. Okay. That's called Live from Venice Beach. I recorded that two years ago, a year well. Okay. That's called Live from Venice Beach. I recorded that two years ago, a year ago. Okay. Four blocks from my house.

Cool. Yeah, it was really cool. I found this venue. I found this room and I turned it into a space just for the night. Nice. And that's on Starz.

And so I've just been kind of, for the last year and a half, two years, I've been working on another one and I think I'm finished and I'm going to record it and I've been taking it around and it's been doing really well. Cool.

I had a, I'll end on this. By the way. That should be the name of the album. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll end on this. You know the only problem with that, I love that too, but the only problem with that I love that too

but the only problem when you name your your album something like that and cause there's so many fun ones like that like that's been my time right

or whatever reviews can use that title against you against you yeah

yeah I'll end on this would be good in a comedian's suicide note oh yeah yeah or tombstone you know Against you Yeah Yeah I'll end on this Would be good in a Comedian suicide now Oh yeah Yeah Or a tombstone

You know Sure I'll end on this And then The dates I followed For three nights Last month

I followed this guy Michael Rayner Whose closing bit Is he spins A McDonald's cheeseburger On an umbrella And it crushes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course. But he spins it like a plate? No, he spins the handle of the umbrella, and the cheeseburger kind of spins, but it doesn't. It's just crazy. Okay, it's just an insane thing. Yes. And he loses control, but he recovers,

and the whole audience is cheering for him. It's huge. You can't put it on an album. You can't put it on an album at all but it ends with this applause, huge eruption and he says goodnight and the first two nights

I just couldn't follow it. I just struggled and I was really trying to get this set together for my album and this was my last chance to headline uh in a club before I go on the road and record right finally Friday night was the last night I was working and I followed him and I went on stage and right away my first

joke in I'm they're laughing louder than they've laughed ever and every joke they're laughing so much that I don't know what's going on I have no idea what's going on but I had I had a fantastic set I was like I was just like it's done I'm recording I should have recorded tonight right but I got off stage so happy and the guy the the curtain manager guy points at my foot. And I look down and there's a cheeseburger stuck to my foot. And the next day I got. Like the top or the bottom? The bottom.

It was stuck on the back heel of my foot. And I had been wearing it the whole time. Oh, man. And you didn't notice because you have very greasy shoes to begin with. I don't really. Your very slippery feet. It was a really slippery stage.

I always grease my feet. Yeah. To keep my, you know, because I'm not a very action-packed show. Right, right, right. So you just kind of bounce up across the stage. You're like a DVD pause screen. I'm told I'm a little dry.

Oh, boy. If you ended your album with that, you could call the album The Cheeseburger Incident. That's right. Yeah. Anyway. Free idea. Thank you. Thank you. that's right yeah anyways free idea thank you thank you

as for us we are done our Toronto and Ottawa gigs thanks to everyone who came yeah

no thanks to those of you who didn't you know who you are we will have more shows in Canada to announce shortly once well we're definitely

in Edmonton October 5th the up and downtown festival and there's you know what if you are if you live in a province to announce shortly. Well, we're definitely in Edmonton, October 5th. The Up and Downtown Festival. And there's, you know what? If you live in a province between British Columbia and Ontario,

you're going to see us in September and October. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So get ready. And you can see me, or not, at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival. A little show called

Graham Clark's Not Here. And you know what? When's that? That's the last two weeks of July. We've got to record some episodes for while you're out of town. July 18th is, I think, when it starts. So you can get your tickets right now. And see what all the fuss is about.

Do it. It's so fussy. It is. It's very fussy. And if you like the show, please tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.