Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 541 - Kevin Banner

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Comedian Kevin Banner returns to talk butching, broken toes, and soccer.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 541 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who serves a mean Arnold Palmer, Mr. Dave Schumke. I serve it out of a pre-mixed bottle from Santa Cruz Organics, which is probably organic, although it's owned by like Procter & Gamble or something. If they officially name their product something organic,

does it actually have to be organic? Like if you just call yourself organic. Hey you! Yeah, I wonder if you can call it like,

if it's Santa Cruz organics, you know, Kool-Aid. Organic with a Y. See? Loopholes. That's my rap name. It's more of a DJ name. DJ Loopholes See? Loopholes. That's my rap name.

It's more of a DJ name. DJ Loopholes? DJ Loopholes. That voice you're hearing is our guest today, a returning guest to the podcast, very funny comedian, Kevin Banner is our guest. Hey!

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Little boy Kevin's here. Hi, everyone. So excited to podcast. Oh, man. See, it's not until the mics are on and then this character comes out. Well, you can't control it. You can see it in his eyes.

Yeah, that's true. So there's an innocence in there. Should we get to know us? Get to know us i think you're the person most often who sings with our our themes yep i'm garbage um we our guest today is garbage they're only happy when it rains uh kevin last time you were here uh-huh uh i believe what did you do last summer graham did you go away i I was driving down this country road

and we hit this guy who was wearing a fisherman's outfit and then we, my friends and I decided to just leave the lot. I know what you did

last summer. But that's how that's pronounced because it's cutting you off. I know what you did last summer. Were you away for a time? Because I feel like we pre-taped a bunch last summer.

Yeah, yeah. Because Kevin was on the show, and he talked about getting engaged. That's right. And he said that the wedding would happen, oh, probably in about a year. And between the time we recorded and the time it was released, he eloped. Yeah, that's right. That's true. And I had never been eloped on before.

No, neither have I. Although recently in the last year, there's three people I know that have, including yourself. So Graham wins. Three people. Cam McLeod and Sean Devlin. Sean Devlin? Yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah, elope fest. I think it's what you do after you're a guest on this show is you elope. Yeah. So I was going to say who's next, but you've already eloped. I mean, technically, you know six people. That's true. That's true. That's six people who didn't invite me.

What? Oh. But no, we feel very strongly that women are people yeah this is a this is our hard stance from episode one yeah we have always said that uh and we'll continue to say no matter no matter who comes at us online yeah and says uh you know whatever they want to say and no matter who comes at us and how hard they come at us and how low their center of gravity is, we will stand firm. They will try to pick us up

and wrestle us to the ground, but we will say women are people. First and foremost, horses are people too. Corporations are people. Yeah, corporations are people, my friend. And Mitt Romney. He's also a people.

He's people. Us Magazine is not people. And the People Magazine crossword? Pretty challenging. Is it pretty challenging? It's like a New York Times Thursday. I bet you it would be challenging because it would be like,

so-and-so from this TV show that I've never heard of. Oh, now you think it would be challenging. Blank women starring Blank Burke. And then you have to do two of them. Designing Delta? It's also my favorite crossword puzzle because it has a giant picture of Stevie Wonder in it.

And it says, pictured. Now, this marriage you had. This wedding you had Yes You still have the marriage Yeah City Hall? No

We went to her My mother-in-law's mosque Okay Yeah And did you dress up for the occasion Or was this just a quick They gave me Fatima did

She had a Muslim thing on And I'm not Listen I don't know had a Muslim thing on. Listen, I don't know the word. Like a Muslim t-shirt that said, yay, Muslim? Yeah, that's it. I went to the Hodge and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And then I had one of those little white hat dailies. Looks like a doily.

Oh, yeah. Doily dailies. And it did not fit because I've got a, a sizable head and it did not fit. So it sat on top of me. They were like, this is the house. It was my,

no, no, no. It was my mother-in-law gave it to me before the thing. But then, yeah, she also had a, uh,

uh, like a man dress thing, like a Middle Eastern. Like kind of a muumuu kind of situation. Well, yeah, uh, I guess. I don't know that they call it a muum situation? Well, yeah, I guess.

I don't know that they call it a moo moo, but yeah, technically, I guess maybe moo moo is short for

Muslim Muslim. I never thought about it until right now. And you're allowed to say this because you married into it.

I converted. So. Did you? I did. How, so what's the process? Yeah.

And what are the pillars? Went to the, went to mother-in-law's mosque, sat down at a table with the imam and two guys named Ahmed that I had never met before. You went with her mom and an imam? Was that a thing? Yeah. These are all crossword puzzle words. Imam, Hajj.

Yeah. And then sat there. I said two prayers in Arabic, and that was that. That's that? That was it. It was a lot easier. I've known people who have converted to Judaism, and good God, that's like an 18, four-hour class and stuff. I just went in and said two things in Arabic and Hey, welcome to the team. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Farouk's your uncle. Oh man, that's what I was going to say, but I couldn't come up with a Farouk's your uncle. Well, he said Farouk.

I wasn't going to pick a name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and you got to pick your own. Yes. Muslim.

So I went through a list of like a website and there were Muslim name generator. Yeah. own yes muslim so i went through a list like a website and there were muslim name yeah muhammad gambino this is your muslim name if you were on the sopranos childish gambino picked his name from a wu-t clan name generator. Did he really? Yeah. Ah. When he converted to Wu-Tang, when he married Mrs. Old Dirty Bastard. To go into a church or anything, you just do that online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, so now.

What's your name? Farouk. Farouk from Souk. Farouk, the Duke of Souk. Yeah, no, so I went through the list of names. Just Farouk? A bunch, but yeah, just Farouk, the Duke of Souk. Yeah, no. So I, I went through the list of names. Just Farouk? A bunch, but yeah, just Farouk. I chose, I chose that one because as we all know,

there was a pro wrestler in the nineties with that name. And for no other reason, but yeah, no, I, I don't, off the top of my head, I don't remember what the meaning is, but I remember reading it and saying it to, as a joke to Fatima, like, oh, what if I was Farouk? And we both, ah, ha ha ah like that yeah we laughed and um and uh then i looked at the meaning and i was like oh i like that so it it stuck it was between that and uh i'm looking i'll look at it right now something that meant like fat guy or something funny fat guy and i was like ah maybe maybe not well uh uh like is this this name, like, is it on your marriage certificate?

No, it's just in my heart. In your heart. Forever, you're Farouk. Yeah. Do you have a tattoo, maybe, that says Farouk? Not yet, no. I don't know about this. Thinking about getting it on the phone.

Farouk literally means the redeemer. Yeah. Or the one who distinguishes between right and wrong. Right and wrong. That's, I'm that guy. What kind of a... I am the one. He's kind of, you're kind of like Judge Dredd and wrong. Right and wrong. That's, I'm that guy. What kind of a. I am the one. He's kind of, you're kind of like Judge Dredd that way.

Yeah. Well, Judy, but. Judy Dredd. Judy Dredd. Judy Dredd. Oh boy, that was on TV. Don't redeem on my leg and tell me it's redeeming. What?

Mother of God. Mother of Allah. Yeah. So fully. redeeming mother of God, a mother of Allah. Um, yeah. So, uh, fully, uh,

and how's married life. It's great. Yeah. I mean, and I don't want to give the impression because also like we're not practicing, but it was for the ceremony for the folks for her, for her ma.

Yeah. Um, but yeah, no, because people have questioned me after shows and I was like, Oh no, no, no, no, no. Like I'm standing there pounding bacon into my shows and I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. Like I'm standing there pounding bacon into my face. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not.

At the post Joe Bacon Buffet. The ham under each arm. I will take my congratulatory hams. So I do, I've got some material about it for for the stage but yeah it's uh i mean why why convert to a religion if you're not gonna get material exactly yeah it's true i'll say i mean why do anything you know why i converted to christianity for the frankincense for the myrrh myrrh is funny you said the frankensteins and I was like, well, but that guy wasn't.

So what else has been going on? Married? Married. Went deer hunting last year. Of course. Got my first deer. That was exciting. Your first ever?

My first deer, yeah. So what had you got that wasn't deer? An eagle. A dolphin. He shot a dolphin in the face. Yeah, Dan Marino. He was not... What was he doing out in the woods? No, it was in his condo. That's not technically

hunting. If you go in somebody's condo that's when... It depends if you have a license. He's got a pretty big con. Yeah, and if you have that hat with the ear flaps. Oh yeah, that's when... It depends if you have a license. He's got a pretty big con. Yeah. And if you have that hat with the ear flaps. Oh, yeah, that's true. If you commit murder wearing one of those hats and a reflective vest, technically you were hunting. I got it.

That's correct. Do you wear the reflective vest? No, I do. I do have like a blaze orange toque. I thought you were going to say I do have a blazer. Oh, no, you have a reflective blazer. Nice hunting blazer. Well, they do like, they'll wear, fox hunting, they'll wear blazers.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a real gentleman's pursuit. That's very posh. Yeah. You wouldn't find Baby or Ginger doing that. Too scary. Goodness gracious. But yeah, so I went on. Jesus. Too scary. Goodness gracious. But yeah, so I went up.

And the other one. And the rest. Went up by Gun Lake, BC, which is. Is that really a place? Yeah. Okay. Goldbridge, I think, is the name of the community, and it's population 54.

And I got to see some people up there. We got to meet some characters. Is it very, 54. And, uh, we got to see some people up there. We got to meet some, some characters. Is it very, what, what, uh, like, is it very isolated up there? Oh yeah. Yeah. It's, uh. Do they take to outsiders? Do they take kindly to outsiders?

Yeah. Do the banjo, are the banjos peaceful or do they duel? Guys, I feel like you're making fun of small town BC. I mean, uh, oh, we would never make fun of a small town. A tiny town would make fun of. I think most of the people that live in the area are like road crew people that work in that, like all reconstructing all these old shitty roads through that part of the province. But yeah, no, it was great. And then we went up for four days, the first time didn't get anything.

And then we went back and on the way back, uh, to the cabin. Yes. I saw one, uh, taking a nap on the side of the road and I got out and head butted it to death, which I didn't, I don't feel like the other guys cause I was there with Mark Nesbitt and, uh, and Dave Harris, couple of comics. And, um, I don't feel like the other guys because I was there with Mark Nesbitt and Dave Harris

couple of comics and I don't think they gave me the full credit for headbutting a deer to death yeah yeah yeah

well let me be the first to give you the full credit thank you but yeah so we were we were on our way to the cabin and I

to like start our day and I spotted spotted a deer and we pulled over as we were, uh, singing Despacito,

uh, joking way. Like, I don't know the words other than Despacito. So we were driving and Dave, Dave Harris is the sweetest little man alive. And he, uh,

we were just going like, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,

na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,

na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,

na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, uh, we were just going like, nama, nama, nama, nemo, despacito.

And, uh, then I spotted the deer and I, you know, like, stop, jumped out, shot it. Then, uh, it's dead. And, uh, why did we have to do this again? And, uh, yeah, so I got the, but, um, Nesbitt, uh, mounted the antlers for me on a little like tabletop plaque. And then I got a, I sent away for a, some x-ray glasses. No,

I sent away for the Charles Atlas book of how to beat up nerds. I got a little plaque on the thing that says the date and, and Despacito on it. There you go. I was wondering what despacito was gonna find its way back into this tale do you how like because you did you talk about hunting last time you were here talked about how i was gonna get yeah i was getting back you got back into it is it all you think about now it's fucking it's now that you have blood lust uh is it the way i

mean i had that before but like the way that I like see a belt on the internet. I'm like, I'm not going to buy that belt. And like for days I can't stop thinking about it. You watch YouTube videos around the clock of people trying on belts. You go out in the woods and sit alone. Yeah. At dawn. Hoping to see that belt.

I don't need that belt. I got enough belts. My pants are fine. Their pants aren't falling down but i do i do watch a lot of uh a lot of hunting shows on on youtube and netflix has uh one terrible one and one really good one the good one is called meat eater and the guy um steve ranella he explains kind of like why why we we hunt and, and teaches techniques and stuff. And then the other guy is just a buffoon. This other show.

I think I'm interested in the second show. It's not interesting. It's not like, Oh, this guy is such a, such a wacky idiot. It's just like, he's a bore.

Uh, terrible, terrible audio. They shouldn't be hunting. They should be hunted. Oh my God. Um, but you know what? It's all connected. Cause if I, if you guys didn't hunt, yes. Oh, my God. But you know what?

It's all connected because if you guys didn't hunt, I wouldn't have these belts. That's true. That's true. You wear 100% deer belt. I wear a deer belt. I wear a boar belt.

I wish I was wearing a bomb belt. That's the shits. Now, I saw you also on Twitter. you had mentioned that you had daydreams of being a maybe a butcher yeah i was like okay this cream's moving on a new topic that people won't be squeamish about um yeah it is it's it's something because uh you know my comedy career is just going so well so So I think about other ways, other things I could do that I could be passionate about. And I do,

uh, I would like to be a butcher. I'd like to have a passion for meat. Yeah. Um, have you ever butchered? Have you ever butchered? Uh,

not really. Like we've, you know, you break down a, uh, break down a moose into carryable pieces. Dave loves this. Like we've, you know, you break down a, uh, break down a moose into carryable pieces. Dave loves this.

And, uh, um, but yeah, no. Yeah. I know when I hunt moose, I just put the whole moose in a big backpack. A Jansport. A big Jansport. Jansport moose edition. With its head lolling out the top. When I was in, I went up to Whitehorse to do a show,

and in the hotel they only had one channel, and it was just a documentary about how to field dress a moose. So that was on for, and they just, there was no time lapse. It was just them, and then you do this and then you do that. It was, uh, it was great. No wifi up there. Who needs it? That's what I would have looked at online anyways.

I kind of want to stay there. That does sound fast. But yeah, I've, I'll be watching, you know, Steve Rinella gutted deer on YouTube. My wife will look over and I'll just hear, uh. So there's no chance of a husband and wife hunting trip. I don't think that she would be interested. I would take her into the woods if she wanted, but I don't, she doesn't seem like a, like a woods wife. I've got my city wife.

I've got my woods wife. My woods wife is my gun. This is my wife and this is my gun anyway listen well how many guns uh have you have you do you google guns all day do you want to get a new gun is is it the same way dave google's belts all day um i don't google belt they show up on my Instagram. I think this time last year, when I was on the pod last year, I was in the process of purchasing a hunting rifle. And I did more research on which rifle to buy than I did in my last year and a half of high school. Because they just give you a gun in high school. Which is why I'm now 35 and considering butching. That is what it's called.

I love the old Italian comedian, Pat Cooper. Are you familiar with Pat Cooper? No. He's an old, angry dude. He used to go on the Stern Show and argue with his children and he's a very very angry but i love him i think he's the best radio guest ever and um and you're the best podcast guest i'm up there yeah uh does he do some of your super fans have me blocked i learned on your spy account retweeted something uh a while back and it was like a quote tweet.

And I was like, oh, yeah, I can't see what it is. That person blocked me. I have some of our super fans blocked. That's awesome. No, you're all just muted. Pat Cooper would say, though, to anytime somebody would tell him, like, oh, you shouldn't be telling jokes like that on stage because he's an angrier guy. He would sell out.

He goes, I don't tell a butcher how to butch don't tell me how to comic yeah i would never tell the butcher how to butch well maybe if i saw him like really thrown around you know knives all well and i might be like you have thinner sticks like i'm like yeah yeah yeah what do you got in there like you know what let me get back there let me see yeah. What do you got in the, like... You know what? Let me get back there. Let me see what I can do. You know what? That all kind of looks like brain. Can I just get some brain? Yeah, it's something I can legitimately say it's something I know nothing about. Yeah. I don't know.

You're a vegetarian. This is true. You could butcher a cauliflower. Do I have damn rights? But I don't know if I could if I just pulled it out of the ground. Don't know what parts to keep, what parts to get rid of. It's pretty much where you get in the store, I think.

Isn't there like a flowery base to a cauliflower? Yeah, but do you remember in the store how you don't eat that part? Yeah, do you remember in the store what it looks like? I just like it when it's under plastic and it's on that little styrofoam tray. Graham was telling in our live show in Toronto, or maybe it was Ottawa.

It was, you're telling a story about you accidentally ate cashew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you, for like a minute, you didn't have a reaction. Yeah, so I thought, my first thought was, you didn't have a reaction. Yeah. So I thought I was, my first thought was I was just going to go full on vegan. I was, cause that's, the nuts has always stood in the way. And then I had a huge reaction. You were like, these are great nuts!

Or a different kind of huge reaction. I was so excited about nuts. I went nuts about them. Boo. Yeah, well, you know what? Where's your bomb bell now? Yeah. And what else

has been going on since we last sat down and chatted? I don't know. Married. Murdered. Guntoed. What else? Nothing. Like, I'm finished.

No. That's what I'm considering. Kevin, no. How far have you gotten in the butch consideration? Looking up which knives to buy. Yeah, I contacted Brad Dorian. Do you know Brad Dorian? A comic in town here. And he's a butcher and he gave me some advice on where to get started if I wanted to.

My problem is that pulling the trigger on quitting my current job to jump into something that I, what if I find out a week into it that I actually don't like it? Well, but that's why you go to butcher camp. You give it a try. Oh yeah. I keep forgetting that thing that doesn't exist. Can you, can you, what is the word I'm looking for? Shadow somebody who's a, who's a butcher and see if you like it for like a week, be an assistant. Yeah.

Take a week of vacation to. Shadow a butcher. Come back with a red blood stained hands. What are you doing on holiday? I bought some knives on vacation. That's how we got into the hunting talk last time I was on, because I said that, I said something about my favorite knife as a joke.

And you're like, you have a favorite knife. And then I explain, yeah, it's my hunting knife. Oh yeah. Right. And you're like, you have a favorite knife. And then I explain, yeah, it's my hunting knife. Oh yeah. Right. And then.

Is it like a Rambo knife? We talked about a Rambo knife a few weeks ago. Um, but like, cause a butcher, this one, I know about a butcher. They have a thing that rolls out and then you have all the knives. Oh yeah. Sure. I mean, that's, uh, I guess any chef. I mean, a butcher on the go.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And butchered block. I mean, that's... That's, I guess, any chef. I mean, a butcher on the go, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And butchered block. I know that's a thing. A lot of butchers will go to bachelorette parties. Show them how to... This is a fillet. Yeah, these are the different parts of a lamb.

Trim off their own apron. Let the hog fall out, you know? Go full hog and plums, am I right? Hog fall out. Let the hogs fall where they may. Let the bodies hit the floor. But like, do you have to, now, this is a question that I, would you have to have your own knives if you're a butcher or do you just show up at the place and they

have, or is it like, ah, I gotta do it my way? Well, it depends. Ah, boy, that's a tough one. Cause I don't know. But, and the part of the butcher, uh, place I see is automated. Yeah. Yeah. I see them,. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I see them slicing. Yeah, like a ham, a black forest ham.

Wait, no, I don't even see that. That's a deli. Yeah, yeah. What I see them doing is maybe I might see them making ground, whatever. Yeah, and they get to wear a little hat. That's fun. Yeah. As we established earlier, you like wearing a little hat.

Yeah, a little doily thingy. I can never remember what it's called. I've looked it up, and it's close. I think it's close to toque. It's close to toque. Farouk to toque. Close to toque. You jamook.

from Zook. You jamook. But it sounds like something. Why don't you give it a try? Yeah, I probably should, but I'm driven by cowardice. Like, you know that about me. This is something you know about that about me. Yeah, I don't know. I probably should.

I should do something. Now, I've never had a job that I thought about and then never gave a try to. So I think if you're thinking about it, you should do it. What jobs have you tried? I was a butcher. I was a baker. Candlestick baker. Rub-a-dub-dub there were three of us

in a tub three of me in a tub so I did it all so all I'm saying is you know you owe it to yourself to give it a shot I do

but I also I think like if I get into this maybe I'll nah yeah I was going to say something and I'm like,

well, I don't even know if I believe that or if I'm just saying my first thought. If you're not a butcher in a year, you cannot come back

on the podcast. Makes sense. Let's not kid ourselves. That was a likelihood anyway. I'm getting Chris Gordon over here, right? You won't see him no more.

We love Chris Gordon. Yeah, Chris Gordon over here. You won't see him no more. We love Chris Gordon. Yeah, Chris Gordon's a rare talent. Yeah, we wish him well. We wish him the best. Not long for these microphones. But it's like, it's got to be one of the oldest jobs. Yeah.

Laying down for cash. Have you ever thought about that? Yes. I'm not even going to try and riff a joke. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously thought about. Getting paid.

Selling mahogany. How would we go about doing that? How would we go about doing that? I guess. Well, first we'd have to get a sign of some sort yeah we'll post on craigslist oh yeah that's i was thinking yeah sign like like uh lemonade stand yeah yeah just as boys boys boys and then you know we would set a we'd set like a pretty high bar, but then also an or best offer. Oh, yeah, sure. Like we want to be in the four figures. Oh, for a mustache ride?

For a mustache ride. Yeah. Four figures to start. For us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For all three of us to show up at your house yeah for all three of us minimum a grand minimum a grant or best offer see this is we if we start interesting trades interesting trades so it's yeah i come over and uh and you guys have sex with my wife in front of me and I will give you 14 head of cauliflower. That is interesting. Why do you have so much cauliflower?

I'm a vegetarian butcher. Yeah, they fell off the back of a truck. Yeah, maybe you don't ask so many questions. Guys I've hired to have sex with my wife. What would our agency be called? Two small men with giant plums. And Kevin. And the band man.

We also move pianos. Okay, never mind. With? Go on. With our plums. Our don-de-lingers. Don- okay, never mind. Go on. With, go on. With our plums. Our Dondolingers. Dondolingers. Oh, man. Dave, what's going on with you?

Well, I'm worried that nothing's ever going on with me, and I just have to come up with some dumb thing every week. But this week, something really interesting was going on with me. See, I think I broke my toe. What? Oh, no. Well, I don with me. See, I think I broke my toe. What? Oh, no. Well, I don't think I broke. I'm not sure.

It just, it hurts badly for about 10 seconds a week. Okay. And moderately for about 10 minutes a week. And then it's fine. Basically, I play tennis once a week. Yeah. With my father. And I. He smashes your ass into the ground.

He S's my A into the G. And I used to wear these New Balance shoes. And they wore out. I got some Nikes. Oh boy, my feet don't like these Nikes. Just my right foot. And, uh, like occasionally I'll, I'll be like running and I'll have to stop suddenly. And my baby toe will just feel like it's stretched and tumbled like so many plums. And that just

means somebody's talking about it. And, uh, so I was looking online like what do you do with a broken toe? And everyone says it's like a love song. What do you do? What do you do with a broken toe? That's not bad.

That was pretty good. Stick it in a smelly hole. Now not on a person. Just like a smelly hole you find in a tree. Your stink hole in the backyard. You guys have a stink hole, right? Everybody does. Well, you've got two kids.

Of course, you've got a stink hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, sure. You got to let the stink out somehow. Yeah, the city mandates it. But, so yeah, everywhere just says tape it. Like, even if you went to a doctor, the doctor would just tape it. Just tape your baby toe to the next toe. Now, what type you went to a doctor, the doctor would just tape it.

Just tape your baby toe to the next toe. Now, what type of tape are we talking here? We're talking about a little bit of that white... That comes on the roll? Yeah. Fuck. Hockey tape? Yeah, white hockey tape. Hockey stick tape?

No, that very, like, the... Medical tape. Medical tape, yeah. What were you thinking? No, that's what I was thinking, but I was... That's why I would go to the doctor, because they got it. They sell it at the drugstore. Yeah, I know, but you know what I mean?

Like, I want it done right. Dave Rockefeller over here. He's still the reference for who's rich, right? Yeah, that's right. Fucking Dave Bonaparte over here, right? Dave Bezos. Dave Bonaparte over here. Dave Bezos.

And so I did. I attached it. And the next time I played tennis, it felt great. And I was like, well, you know what? Sometimes it'll just happen randomly when I'm not playing tennis. So I just kept the tape on.

And a few days went by. Tape was in perfectly good shape. I was like, I'll just keep this on all the time. Uh-oh. This is not going somewhere. That's how Dave got his toes fused together. And then a few days later, I was like,

I get really frustrated trying to keep this house clean because it's like we have two kids. It's especially summertime. They're going inside and outside. Their popsicles are dripping oh yeah everything is uh this is the worst time of year for keeping your house clean uh and uh i was just trying to find this stinky foot smell that i could not like i would get every couple of or not every time you do a high kick every few hours i would get every couple of days. Not every couple of days. Every time you do a high kick. Every few hours, I would get just a whiff of stinky foot smell. And I'd be like, but where is it coming from?

And I would smell the ground. What is this? Some deposit of stinky foot somewhere in this. And then, I mean, I don't think you need to be Amnesty Channel to know how this one ends. You found a severed foot on the beach and brought it home. Grandpa brought it home. It was, apparently you're supposed to re-tape your toe. Right.

Not just use the same tape for days and days. Even if you wash your feet and don't use the same socks over and over. Yeah. Yeah. You want to put a new tape on there. Yeah. So the lesson is the stink was coming from inside my house. My own stink hole.

The, uh, cause I've, yeah. I've, have you ever broken any bones? Not your own. No,

I have not. Uh, yep. Yeah. Yeah. not your own no i have not uh yep yeah i broke a toe at a party as a high school student uh i was doing chin-ups to try and impress somebody and then i on the last chin-up that i couldn't make it i dropped and oh i didn't and i didn't feel it because I was drunk. And then the next morning when I woke up, I was like, oh, that toenail is pointing the wrong way. Yeah, I don't think mine's actually broken. That's another thing. Because also when you look up broken toe, don't Google image that.

Good God. But maybe you tape up your toe. It gives you a competitive advantage. You know, you get that four-toe advantage over your dad in the tennis game. Yep. He's out there lumbering around with five toes. Dragging that baby toe around like a moose in a backpack. Yeah, it's...

Have you broken any bones? I don have your own no i had i i had oh they thought i did when i was uh great the seventh grade i was on a hockey uh tournament trip in uh like spring break trip and it doesn't matter what time of year it does it's not even going to be a good story with the details. If you want to back out of the story, you can. I was rollerblading in the parking lot at the motel and I fell and my wrist was all jacked up and they took it and I got an x-ray. And they said that the bone that they thought I might've broken is one that doesn't show up at first on an x-ray because it takes longer for the blood to get to it. And so they gave me a cast for two weeks and then they took it off and re-examined it and I was fine.

So I just got to have bag showers for two weeks. Did you get people to sign it? No, I didn't. Oh, man, that's the whole cast experience. Have you ever cast? No. Yeah, you got to. You got to get it cast? No. Oh, yeah. You got to.

You got to get it signed by everybody. Yeah, no. The only thing I've ever broken was my toe that I didn't really break. And I think my nose was probably broken. Oh, yeah. I've had my nose broken. I didn't consider that a bone. You're right.

No, it's not. I got my face punched off in a hockey fight when I was 19. Oh, wow. So I decided to fight this big idiot and, well, the big idiot is debatable in this story, but I. Yeah. Was he in the mirror?

In a hockey fight with this fella and my chin strap was broken. So I had to tape, tape the little latch on. Okay. And so he dropped his gloves, which I wasn't expecting because it's helmets and gloves. I was figuring we were going to have an old fashioned rock and sock and fight, but shook off his gloves and he grabbed my helmet to pull it off and he popped open my cage, but my chin strap was taped on.

So he just had my face and just fed it about six fucking left hands. Splattered my nose on my face. Yikes. Yeah. Oh, it's throwback Thursdayursday i'll post a picture of that tonight yeah unless you're listening uh today then it's monday go back a few weeks yeah yeah yeah yeah go back figure it out listen go back in time yeah and uh it'll be worth it yeah yeah yeah and did you do the at the hospital they just pop it back oh i didn go to the hospital. So now I've got a fucked up nose.

You can see that it kind of... Yeah, it's got a bit of a curve to it. Yeah, you look like Owen Wilson. Yeah. Very handsome. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Wowie. Yeah, I think I've broken mine, just because it's a a little bit a little bit like and i've played enough sports where you just get that something hits you in the face and you just have that feeling yeah and everybody's like walk it off yeah best thing you can do is blow your nose right away it's actually the worst because it makes your eyes and everything swell up cool yeah it's fun so the kids out there

listening if you want to make your face look cool yeah dr kevin banner yeah certified butcher says blow your nose after you break it what's up with you graham oh also what this just occurred to me speaking of noses um that the uh did you hear that at the blowdell conservatory are the big garden in queen elizabeth park yeah they have one of those uh rotting cork flower that will be blooming it probably bloomed by the time this is out yeah but they'll be like there's like 24 hours where you can really get peak stink yeah i mean would you be interested in doing that yeah i would be oh i'm just curious to like know i you know what what does it smell like just i want it in my database like the same like i've smelled it like a is it durian fruit oh yeah oh yeah and uh that smells

terrible i don't know how that made it into eating phase, that it smells so bad that how would anybody. Have you eaten it or just smelled it? No, I just smelled it. And it was so bad that I was like. Well, like in Asia, there are signs in hotels that say, no, you cannot bring any local women to your room. You cannot bring any durian to your room. Right. Really?

Yeah. Oh. Well, there goes my vacation plan. Honeymoon plan. Yeah, but it's like, maybe it tastes amazing. It must. It must taste amazing, right?

To power through that stink? Yeah, yeah. But isn't most of the flavor of a thing in its stink? In the stink. Anyways. She got that flavor

in her stink. Oh my fucking God. Do you want to smell a stinky flower? Oh. Would you go? No. No? You go to the conservatory.

You can bring it to my house. I'm not fucking leaving the house to go smell're not lining up smell a flower with a bunch of fucking jaloons jaloon for the home listener is a uh funny sounding yeah it was a mash-up of july and june yeah that we came up with on the show not a racial slur although it does sound for the I-Ties. But, no, I mean... My-Ties. My-Ties. You guys want to make some My-Ties? Yeah, yeah.

What's in a My-Tie? I have a couple of jewels. Okay, I'm in. It's a rum thing. You wouldn't understand. What's going on with you? So, when this comes out, the World Cup

is a long distance memory. Oh yeah, we forgot. So we're recording this episode for the French listeners. If France loses,

we'll record a separate episode for the Croatians. Yeah. But this is the pro-Cro? Yeah, this is the pro, no,

this is the pro-France episode. Pro-France. Yeah. C'est bon. Oh, this is the pro France. Pro France. Yeah. Uh, say, oh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, we'll save them for the Croatian episode. But I never in my life have I watched a full soccer game. Oh, because you keep falling asleep. I do. And they're usually at very odd times of the day here in Canada. It's usually, you know, 10 in the morning or something. And I like when I watch a sport, I like to be drunk. Yeah. And so it be drunk. Yeah. And so it's hard.

Yeah, those things have to align. You're three times a week drunk at 10 a.m. Exactly. They almost never do. So I watched the semifinal game of England versus Croatia. I watched the entire game start to finish. And a lot of things i didn't know about where were you watching this this was just at home oh nice yeah um but it was uh i turned on the i'm not gonna lie i turned on the tv to watch the view and uh the view was uh preempted because of soccer they put it on the big networks here. Yeah, I wanted to see what the hot topics on The View were.

Yeah, why? Because. Why The View? Because John McCain's daughter, I guess, is one of the, and they all gang up on her. Megan? Yes, Megan McCain. Yeah, she's her own person. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. Now, I'm not sure. was the one who who was all about the base yeah yeah yeah yeah okay yeah and also her sign is no her name is no yeah that's megan's i think that they they look alike all megan's look the same um so uh yeah so the game was just they were doing the pre-game And they were talking about people I've never heard of before And they're talking about how good this one guy From Croatia is but he's very humble

But he's been really holding the team together Were they talking about this in Scottish accent? Yes they were So I was getting I was like you know what I'm gonna stick around Gonna watch this game. I didn't realize that they keep the clock running.

Yeah, that's fun. Because then it's over when it's over. There's no. Well, they add time to it. Oh, yeah, that's true. Because people, you know, will fall down for no reason and then lie it down for a long time. And then they're like, that guy was lying down for a minute. Let's add a add a minute to the clock i also like that i like that there's so much lying down time a lot of time to rest a lot of time standing there's a lot of yep uh you know if uh the team

one team has is really keeping it in the one end that goalie gets to stand way out of the goal yeah that's fun goalie gets to wear a different colored shirt goal. Yeah. That's fun. Goalie gets to wear a different colored shirt. Yeah. Gets to wear mitts. I saw a thing during Ramadan, because I'm a big Muslim guy now. I saw a thing during Ramadan that there were teams in Africa that, because they were fasting during Ramadan, that when the sun set during one of the games, the goalie laid down and pretended he was hurt. And then the rest of the team ran to get food from the bench to break their fast.

And then like they said, oh, is that where that came from? But anyway. But for real? Yeah. And so then like the medics came out to help the goalie and they like give him a juice box and some. McDonald's line crackers. Yeah. Oh man.

I miss those. You can't get them anymore. No. Yeah. Um, so also, uh, uh,

you wrote a tweet about it. Uh, guys wear a little sweat bands. Yeah. A little hair bands. Hair bands. Yeah. And not like a thick headband.

No, no. Like a little... Something just to keep the hair out of your eyes. Yep. There's a lot of ponytails going on. Still.

Yeah, still. Very much. You know what? It's always a European look. It's always an option. Yeah. If you're a European, you can have...

Like hair is, you know, kind of a playground for you. If you're a European, you can have, like hair is, you know, kind of a playground for you. If you're a European man. Turn on the World Cup and it just looks like 30 Kelly Rudys chasing each other around. That is a real niche reference. Let me explain it for you. Kelly Rudy was a hockey goalie who wore a headband. Why did he wear that headband? To keep the sweat out of his contact lenses.

Was that it? I thought it was because he was the shits. Did you watch any of the football? Soccer. Soccer. I watched one of the England games. The one in the penalty kicks. But otherwise, I don't.

I was raised right. So I tend to not watch a lot of it. In the game, there's not a lot of kicks to the goal. Like, it's mostly kicks to each other. Yeah. And so the commentator just keeps saying people's names. Yeah. And the commentator, quite often, people's names. Yeah. And the commentator quite often is by himself. Yeah.

Like there's no, it's not like they have a back and forth. No. Yeah. There's no like, boy, wouldn't this be weird if this happened? I mean,

I don't know if commentators ever say that. Boy, wouldn't this be weird if this happened? Yeah. A lot of like when you're watching a baseball, they're like, has a player ever hit a ball with his belt? And would that be allowed?

And then in soccer, I don't know if the ball gets kicked into the stands. Do they get to keep it? Yeah, because there was a guy that he caught it. And then the big thing was like, when is he going to give it back? And thing was like when is he gonna give it back and i was like he has to give it back oh well usually they have a second ball ready to go they did they brought out the second ball and it was a real to do but uh they usually have like a bunch of balls ready to go yeah i would think of one of those big net bags classic soccer yeah um and it uh like it reminded me of playing soccer when I was a kid.

Yeah. A lot of fun. Good memories. Yeah, running around. Yeah, running around. A lot more goals, though, back then. Oh, sorry. Those goalies were dog shit.

When I was a kid. Oh, you didn't get to wear gloves. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, when I played with gloved goalies. Nice. Thanks. I played one year of soccer as a kid,

and my parents figured out it wasn't for me because I was a goalie, and I was standing there making a bird out of my hand. Like a shadow puppet. Like shadow puppet dove flying. Although there was no light source. That's very adorable and i apparently said performer did you get scored no then i played like real sports my dad's like we gotta man them

up throw a puck at them every once in a while oh yeah that's where you broke your nose yeah yeah yeah yeah my dad throwing a puck at me um it's well uh you've never watched a whole soccer no no no did you would you do it again yeah yeah yeah but i prefer to be drunk yeah yeah what i do like about uh soccer is that because the clock is always running they don't do any commercials yeah i don't know how these players can make 90 million dollars a year they're wearing the ads on their uniform um and uh there's uh like canada's terrible at it so you get to just pick whichever team you want for every game you know what i do like bulgaria uh yeah and like uh it was england versus croatia and england at one point somebody in the stands had some sort of musical instrument,

maybe a bagpipe, but was playing God Save the Queen. But would you be allowed to take a musical instrument into any other game? I see a drum and drums. Crazy George used to bring a drum to Canuck games. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Well, that answers that. Air horn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Vuvuzela. Yeah, okay.

All right. Well, that answers that. Air horn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vuvuzela. When I was a kid, there was another kid that played goalie in souk, and his dad made First Nations drums, and he would sit there, and he would bang the drum during the game.

Slowly? We almost made it through a World Cup with no soccer musings like every every four years yeah one of us has a uh has some sort of uh time to reflect yeah and like uh i tried watching this boring i love it i yeah like it's i found it but that's the weird thing is anytime i sit down to watch any sport i i quite enjoy it but i don't ever seek it out right like if it's on i'll watch i'll watch a whole game of golf and uh that's a slow moving as it comes and and you want to talk about a lot of just idle chat oh boy that's a golf is a specializes in. Oh yeah. Well, and, uh, if,

uh, if this, what if this happened? Has anybody ever, uh, you know, we, uh,

we take all seriously, but that movie happy Gilmore really showed us some possibilities of, uh, what if a hockey player was good at golf? Did you hit a subway sub with a club? Uh, do you watch any of the, uh, any of the soccer? Yeah yeah um uh we have it on a lot of

on mute at work oh yeah yeah and uh but it's you only have to get you only have to get excited once it's hard to watch it on mute because nothing like it's all just a green field and like you don't really see much but if you have it on a little bit of volume you can hear the guy get excited yeah like oh something happened yeah the goal was scored today's goal was scored when you played soccer when you played sorry you ever hit the ball ball with your head you ever had a ball i don't i don't think i got anywhere near the ball yeah i'm making birds jesus yeah i think i don't know i was a very afraid i played soccer till i was every like every saturday until i was 18 oh really i was very afraid of it of heading the ball for a few years and then i was not good at it ever and like i did i was better at it if i just didn't do that well we lost the light well that's it yeah

this ends our soccer seance yeah it's back it's back okay good uh do we want to move on to a little bit of business sure that sound means it's time for a little business, and I'm here with Gra- wait a minute. Graham? Oh no! Oh man, I slipped into another dimension. Graham, have you been zip-recruited by another dimension? Yeah, oh boy. There was one second I was there with you, and then all of a sudden I'm in this whole other dimension. I was there with you, and then all of a sudden, I'm in this whole other dimension.

Luckily, I'm in a dimension that I think our product is going to help me out with a whole lot. You're talking about ZipRecruiter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about the crude. Oh, man. Tell me about this other dimension. Well, it's really dark. And most business here is done on paper. They haven't caught up to the digital wave of the dimension that you and I live in.

That's what I look for in a dimension. It's dark, and most of the business is done on paper. It's dark and most of the business is done on paper. But I feel like if I could get out ahead, if I could get some people under my control. You want to hire some people? You want to hire? I want to hire. Well, no matter what dimension you're in, there's one place you can go to where hiring is simple, fast and smart, and that place is...

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people to be hired by you. The people in this dimension can't even believe that such a service exists. Those people are, I mean, like, what are you going to even tell those people? I don't know. They don't have ears. It's a weird dimension. That is a weird dimension. And are pants hats? Yeah, pants are hats. I had a feeling. Yeah, zippers open up a little bit for the, you can only have one eye at a time.

Oh, sure. Pants go right to about nose level. And they call that part of the pant the zip recruiter? Yeah, how did you know? Yeah, I think I know a thing or two about this dementia. Yeah, I think I know a thing or two about this dimension. Well, with the powerful matching technology, ZipRecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invite them to apply it to your job.

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But one thing that they do have, big googly eyes. Oh, well, you'll be interested to know that support for Stop Podcasting Yourself this week comes in part from Simple Contacts, a convenient way to renew your contact lens prescription and reorder contacts from anywhere in minutes. Tell me about these googly eyes. Big googly eyes. Almost everybody here is nearsarsighted a couple people are farsighted but mostly nearsighted any stigmatisms oh big time stigmatisms uh we got a couple people with a with a glaucoma even oh boy and yeah yeah yeah it's uh it's. I wish I could talk to somebody about it, but like I said, no ears. And a lot of those eyes are covered by pants.

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That's pretty, my doctor's pretty photogenic. And has a really nice website. Yeah? Yeah. and has a really nice website. Yeah? Well, yeah, this is like, it doesn't say this in the copy, but I have a feeling this is sort of like a hot or not for doctors. Oh, yeah.

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I got to go. I think they're electing me their mayor. Okay, we'll see you back for overheards. Okay, bye. Bye. Hi, everybody. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin

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There you go. Perfect. Perfect. Thank you. You probably know that MaxFun podcasters are funny in the talking way. But did you know they also are funny in the writing way? are funny in the talking way, but did you know they also are funny in the writing way? We are very excited to announce that John Hodgman and Paula Poundstone wrote books that have been named as semi-finalists for the 2018 Thurber Prize for American Humor.

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Yeah, you sing that. Overheard's a segment where if you see a thing, say something. Say a thing. Say a thing, say something. Say a thing. Say a thing, exactly. And we always, we like to start with the guest. Kevin? Yes. You bringing the heat?

We'll find out. I thought I brought the heat in the past. My overheards sucked shit. When we were on our hunting trip in the fall, we were in Goldbridge and there's one store. There's one toilet for the whole town. And there's one, like a general store in town. They've got everything.

And the lady working behind the counter, I feel like in Goldbridge, people aren't worried about losing their jobs or not living up to the heights of customer service. But Nesbitt, Mark Nesbitt, was getting some supplies. I was further back in the store and I heard him ask the lady behind the counter. He said, oh, I'll also get a small bottle of Fireball. And she said, pussy.

And I burst out laughing. I was like, oh, we are not in the city anymore, are we? And she goes, why? They don't call you

a pussy in the city when you act like a pussy? Oh, right on. Wow. Holy moly. See, if that was in the city, people would flock there

because of the sassy service. Sure. Yeah, they want an authentic dive. Yeah, exactly. They would go to that convenience store. Like, oh man, I want to go to that convenience store. Where the people are mean to you.

Yeah, no matter what you buy, it's the wrong thing. Dave saying holy moly reminded me of an over scene. What is Fireball? Is it cinnamon? Cinnamon-y whiskey kind of shit. Is he a pussy for only getting a small one? I think that's what she was implying. Or a pussy because he needs cinnamon with his whiskey.

I've never had it. I've had it. It was a real hilarious thing to give an unsuspecting friend in high school or university. Maybe not so much in your adult life. Like a prank shot? Yeah, a prank shot. People used to, like a prairie fire or something like that. It's tequila, and then they put Tabasco in it.

It's like, go fuck your wife. A Kevin Banner favorite. A Kevin Banner favorite. Yeah. Go fuck your wife. Now you can say it to yourself. I can. Yeah. I think that you tweeted Now you can say it to yourself. I can. Yeah.

I think that you tweeted that to me the day I got married. Oh yeah. But you said that reminded you of another Holy Moly. When he said Holy Moly. So back when I was living in Sooke, there was a junior B hockey team, the Sooke Stingers, and they were terrible. So they were the Sooke Stinkers. Ah, yes. junior B hockey team, the Souk Stingers, and they were terrible. So they were the Souk Stinkers. Ah, yes. And, uh, there was this guy who would come and like, do like, uh, between,

uh, between plays, he would announce shit and whatever, and so this player from the other team comes down, dekes out the goalie and buries it, but the guy thought that the goalie made a save. So he goes, holy moly, we got a goalie. Like 15 seconds later is a goal scored by number eight. Holy moly, we still have a goalie. It's just, it's not very good. Who are your favorite goaltenders whose names rhymed with goalie?

For me? There was Olaf Kozik, Oli the goalie Yeah And there was also Roly Poly, Oli the goalie There was Roly the goalie And there was Peter Sadorkowicz, the Polish goalie Ah, the Polish goalie

Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah, I do So like a couple years ago like uh i'm sorry i'm doing my shaggy it wasn't me now i saw this uh dog product a dog uh treat called brew buddies which was uh it's it's it's these guys the package is these guys watching presumably hockey one of them is wearing a hockey glove okay and uh there's a a beer bottle with a dog winking and it's a dog treat made with malted barley okay well there. Well, there's a new kid in town. Northern craft beer biscuits. Oh, boy.

Because I guess a dog's palate has evolved. And now, you know what? I'll have your regular light beer when I'm eating a lot of biscuits. But as kind of a sophisticated dog with my sophisticated palate. Bring me a flight of biscuits. I need a craft beer. Yeah, yeah. An India tail end?

Yes. Thank you. A pogger. These are... I like it hoppy. Wait, no, that's for a rabbit biscuit. Ah, yes, yes. I forgot I'm a dog, not a rabbit.

Oh, boy. Yeah, I mean, how expensive are these things? Too much. Is this a pricey item? Yeah, I don't know. Because the thing about dogs, they'll eat anything. Yeah. They'll eat right out of the trash if you don't put a lid on it.

If you don't protect trash, a dog will go crazy just eating it. This is like I spend like 80% of my day protecting trash. If you like it, then you should have put a lid on it. Yeah. God don't protect No trash My Yeah you have one I know it

I can see it in your eyes Here's the thing Is when you're at The pharmacy And you're going to Pick up a medication There's a little sign That says like

Stand back So you don't So they can have some privacy. Yeah. Also because the person might be getting some fart medication. Well, the couple in front of me, first of all, they were getting a not-so-distant cousin to fart medication.

What is that? It's something to make you go to the bathroom they were getting. And they were, the male of the couple was, Oh, this was a heterosexual couple. This was a heterosexual couple. Cisgender. Yeah.

This is a male-female combo. And the dude was not, he was not being quiet enough that I couldn't hear it at the respectful distance that I was at and he kept asking the guy so this will make her go to the bathroom

and the guy didn't hear him and he was like the washroom will this make her go to the washroom like he was trying to class it up and then the lady said I'll just I'll just drink prune juice so but this was I was standing back the respectable distance and I could still hear it all.

And he was a guy. You can lead a woman to the pharmacy, but you can't make her go to the bathroom. You can't. You really can't. Have you ever had prune juice? Yes. I mean, I didn't take to it, but I think like. I've mixed it.

I feel like my grandparents. A prune and vodka? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What do they feel like my grandparents a prune and vodka yeah yeah yeah what do they call what's a prune and vodka what's the name of that shitsky there you go they're fine that'll do let's move uh anyways i uh that was a real overturned i i wish that lady the best. Both in her marriage and in... Were they married? They seemed like... Well, that's right.

I'm making a lot of assumptions here. Maybe they weren't even together. Maybe they were just buds. They just met. They met in the pharmacy.

Hey, so I was just talking to her down in the fourth aisle. She is back. With feces, not like an emotional thing. Like she's, you know. I'm actually her lawyer, and the government is trying to make her go to the bathroom. Now, we also have overheard.

Hell no, we won't go. Hell no, we won't go. If you want to send an overheard to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Aaron in Jersey City, New Jersey. And this is Aaron's on the bus. We were headed to work. It goes round and round. Yeah. And it is swish, swish, swish.

What are the other things the bus does? Oh, door goes open and close. Oh, yeah. People go up and down. Baby goes, wah, wah, wah. Mama goes, shush, shush, shush. Driver goes, move on back. Look, there's a lot of things that happen on the bus.

We're headed to work when a little old lady got off the bus. Horn goes, beep, beep, beep. Oh, yeah. Anything else? Does it? I mean. The bell's gotta go ding ding ding how are you gonna know uh little old woman got off the bus in front of a church and said to the entire bus okay bye bye i'm going to church i love you all i love you all except jesus goodbye

accept accept yeah not i don't love you all. Except Jesus. That guy, he does not do it for me. I'm going to church to learn, I guess. Learn to love him. But I like somebody who says bye to the whole bus. Bye, everybody. It's a, you know, same time tomorrow.

Yeah. See you in hell. Well, how would she see through some sort of portal? I mean, what would be better? She's a murderer. What would be better? What would be more heavenly than getting to see people in hell?

Yeah, that's true. Like you wake up in the morning, your favorite beverage is ready for you. In heaven is a day. Is it just like a non-stop euphoria you're experiencing or do you go through a day?

I think you go through a day. They typically make it like a day like when you're in Cloud City or whatever. Yeah, you're in Cloud City. You've got some sort of job. But it starts

at a reasonable hour. Yeah. And you like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like the job. But you can roll in at 10.30. Yeah, sure. You know, these harps, you know, no one needs them. They're not going to string themselves.

No one needs them strung today. Not too many people getting into heaven today. Let's have a look at what's going on in hell. Wowee, they're not letting up down there. Do you think you can go to hell for drinking too much prune juice? No, for pretending you were more injured than you really were in soccer. Oh yeah, absolutely.

It's a sin. Diving's a sin. Now this next one. This comes from Steve P. This is in Southeast Michigan. What are we talking about? Nothing We were at the 4th of July parade In a rural locale in Southeast Michigan

Which consists mostly of tractors, semi-trucks And local politicians or dentists in their convertibles My cousins live in the sticks And we usually end up going to the local parade for some reason most of the floats weren't very noteworthy but my favorite one was for the Hungry Horse Campground

it was a tent cover trailer with benches for kids and one of the little girls the only one saying anything was just leaning over the railing shouting America at the crowd yeah remember what today's about. Yeah.

America. Have you ever been to a small, small town parade? Yeah, I was in a small town parade when I was a kid. I was in the, what the fuck? It was like a logger days or something. Okay. Like Souks, a former forestry and fishing community. I mean,

it still isn't, but, uh, more so back then. And anyway, there was like a, a hard, maybe it was the hard times or something.

They used to have the hard times dance. I mean, this, I suck shit. Fucking edit point. Hold on. I want to learn. I want to learn.

Yeah. I was in a, uh, I was in a parade when I was a kid, uh, in Souk, they had a small parade and I was on a float. My buddy was dressed as an old timey, like a prospector. Right. And he had a bottle, a whiskey bottle filled with iced tea.

So it looked like he was like a 10 year old prospecting drunk. That's what they did on Mad Men. Yeah. Just, uh, and like, uh what they did on Mad Men. Yeah. And like. Was he smoking closed cigarettes? Yeah. Well, but he was

an old time guy. What were you? I think I was just a modern kid. Oh, it was a real history lesson. Wearing some sort of a shirt of a

team that I don't cheer for, but my mom liked the color. So I was like probably sitting on the float in a San Jose Sharks t-shirt or some shit.

Moms love teal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Moms do love teal. Is it teal or aquamarine? It was teal. It was the first time I ever heard the word teal was when they unveiled

their uniform. And you're like, it's pronounced tail. A shark has a tail. That's a good joke. Where's my bomb belt? It's just not working. This last one comes from Gary

in Melbourne, Australia. Melbourne. I work in education. Toronto. And I was in a grade 5-6 classroom recently where the teacher was having a conversation with the class about a local bloke who had turned 100.

This tracks. Whoa, blokes can't be 100. The teacher mentioned how this guy had received a letter from the queen as everybody who turns 100 gets one. Which I did not know. This prompted lots of discussion and questions, and one of the kids asked, does that mean the queen knows when my birthday is? When all of our birthdays are? Again, lots of talking, questions, etc.

While the teacher tried to explain that no, she doesn't know when everyone's birthday is. The teacher then was cut off by another kid yelling out, she knows when all of our birthdays are. The queen's a stalker. Yeah, the queen knows. Queen Santa. Yeah. She queen knows. Queen Santa. She knows when you should leave. She probably bought that information from Facebook. She doesn't stalk you.

But the queen does know when your birthday is. I think when you turn 100, the queen should send you a nude. Yeah, it's only fair. Or, you know, the king soon. In the next few years. Yeah. Prince Charles.

Prince Charles. But he sends you a nude just for anything. If you open up your own store. I'd rather see his hog and plums than his teeth. Oh, shots fired. Yeah. At our future king. We got beef.

Yeah, it goes way back. Yeah, oh yeah. Hog and plums. Hog and plums. Hog and plums. Is prune juice made out of dried plums? Yeah. Yeah. Dried plums.

You know what my favorite ice cream company is? Hog and plums. There it is. I am sorry to everyone that I keep laughing like a goon. It's okay. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, the phone number is easy to remember. So easy. You could just remember it like this. By saying it. Into a microphone. 844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

Spy pod one. Like these people have. Or did. Or did. Or did. Hello, Dave and Graham and guests and invisible-o. This is Jeff calling in with an overheard from Ohio. I was at the farmer's market waiting in line to get some coffee. And behind me there's a little girl and her grandfather.

And she's eating a Popsicle and it was very hot, so it's melting. And she goes, oh, no, the popsicle, it's melting all over me. And her grandfather says, well, here, use a napkin. And then she goes, no, you know I don't use napkins. Yeah, I remember when I went through that phase as a kid. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't use napkins, wet wipes, anything that would would clean anything up and if your popsicle is melting or your ice cream cone look at yeah yeah yeah yeah although it's tough like kids kids do not have the technique i remember

not having the technique and i see it in my children yeah i would just uh i would really just chomp on a popsicle and uh just work it down that way i wouldn't i wouldn't sit there all the live long day just i feel like this is like this is just a euphemism in Kevin's mind. No. Jump a popsicle. Maybe jump a popsicle, yeah. I was picturing young Margo eating a popsicle and singing Cats in the Cradle to you. Yeah.

Yeah. Because I never had time to show her the proper. Because I was eating my own popsicle. I was busy in the office eating Popsicles. Yeah, he worked at the Cyclone Factory. Here's your next phone call. Hey, it's Jeff in Chicago calling in with an over-seen. I'm just passing by a fitness establishment here in our lovely city that's proudly proclaiming its hours as being open 24-5.

Weekend's off. Yeah. What time does it close on Fridays? Yeah, 24-5, I guess. Midnight to midnight, Monday to Friday, or something. And this was a gym? Fitness. I guess. Midnight to midnight, Monday to Friday or something. And this was a gym? A fitness room.

Yeah, some kind of fitness business or whatever. Establishment. Establishment. Yeah, now it could be anything. It could just be a room full of ropes. Yeah, a room full of track tire. A room that sells Fitbits. Yeah, that's true. Fitness, it's different than it used to be.

Now it's just all vaping. I'm vaping myself thin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's working. You look great. I was so worried last night. I vaped myself sick. What do you use?

Do you use the Juul? Well, Monday to Friday, I use the Juul. Yeah. And Saturdays and Sundays, I use the sepia box. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's a rusty old box full of vapor. Gross. This is your

gramophone. Hi, Dave. Gram. Yes. This is Tesla calling from Vancouver with an overheard. I was on the bus this morning. It was one of those bus trips where a 48 year old gets on the bus at the same time to go on a field trip. And I was sitting beside one kid who was desperate to know which Zodiac Chinese Zodiac sign each of his friends were. But he also wanted to guess which was

hilarious because they were all the same one because they were all the same age. But he went through the whole list anyway. Are you a rat? No. Are you a snake? No. Dragon? No. Are you a tiger? Yes. They're all tigers. So cute. And then after he figured out which one his friend was, he needed to know what one his dad was.

And this second kid goes, well, I don't have a dad. And this first kid has never encountered this idea before. He cannot believe that this kid doesn't have a dad. Why don't you have a dad? I don't know. Just have a mom. So then there's a little bit of a silence and the first kid goes, maybe your dad

is Deadpool. Maybe your dad is Deadpool. Yeah. Like well, why? How does that? How does this kid get arrive at that conclusion? I mean, maybe Deadpool fucks a lot. Yeah, that's true. But I thought he, is he not monogamous

at Deadpool? The one, the lady in the film? Have you seen Deadpool? Am I the only one that's seen Deadpool? I saw Deadpool. Never heard of it.

What? You have to. Of course I've seen it. I live with my nerdly wife. She loves all things comic. Yeah, that's right.

Do you go to all the comic book movies because of this yeah yeah yeah and nor like she always she's very fancy she's very fancy and so we go to the the theater that that brings you fajitas if you want them i have i'm still like i'm not eating actual food in a movie theater but there were people around us drinking stinking ass wine yeah the rock steak sandwich and chips you gotta try the beef dip when you're at the movies yeah some real sloppy and juicy just put the dip in the cup holder yeah giant um the gravy that's what makes it good the beef dip uh the jus the jus uh that's uh i i thought

that whole conversation with the the zodiac would that the kid would arrive at that you are whatever your parents year was that's that's how i thought a kid would think that if you were a tiger that your parents had to also be tigers otherwise how I thought a kid would think. That if you were a tiger, that your parents had to also be tigers. Otherwise, how were you a tiger? Because kids don't. They don't understand how a Zodiac works. No. I don't understand how a Zodiac works. Do you know what year of the Zodiac you are?

1983. Sure. The year of the Jaloon. Graham and I are monkeys. Monkey. Oh, year of the. I probably. I think I'm year of the pig. Yeah. I'm going to, I think I'm year of the pig.

Yeah. I'm going to Google that right now. I don't know my parents, Zodiac, Chinese Zodiac, because I'm not Chinese. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Pig. Pig. Yeah. I'm a goddamn pig. Now this brings us to the end of this episode. The show ends with, I'm a goddamn pig. Uh, this comes out at the end of July.

End of July. Yeah. What's cooking? July, August. Um, well, as a matter of fact, this comes out on the 30th of July. So on the 4th of August, a mere five days later, myself and Miss Fatima Dore will be at Heckler's Comedy Club in Victoria. Nice. Fun. That's fun.

Have you ever done that before? Heckler's? No, we toured with the. Yes, we played one diaper gig somewhere in the interior a few years ago. And, uh, it was great because she slept the whole car ride. The whole show. Just like sweet. Well, we're, uh, we're 40 seconds into this trip.

I look forward to listening to the, the radio. We actually, that was the trip that we bought a, uh, on the way back at a Husky station. We bought a Larry the Cable Guy CD Oh nice And Graham and I At one point Attempted to listen to it

And it's not good He had a joke about His grandma Having something called The walkin' farts Walkin' farts She went to the She went to the flea market

To buy a cabbage As you do At the At the flea market At the flea market And she had a bad case of the walking farts. You know what,

that is funny. That's funny. That is funny, yeah. She was wearing yoga pants when she farted and it trapped the fart inside and so it looked like

she had stolen one of the cabbages she went there to purchase. I forgot that there was a bubble in there. Yes. Oh boy. Because that's how things work.

Because yoga pants are made out of some kind of polymer. Yeah, like a rubber. But yeah, so Heckler's August 4th. My album Dreamboat is still available.

It's still available. They haven't banned it yet? Nope, they have not yet banned it. Banned it in East Germany. And thanks once again to Doug Piker, a spy super fan

who tells people to buy my album every week on Twitter. He's a goddamn delight. And no thank you to the people who have banned you or blocked you on social media. But I get it.

I look forward to the super fans going, oh, I wonder if I blocked them and then realizing that they did. No. Because I bet it was some sort of other thing. It couldn't have been me. I'm charming. I was probably like on a block list for liking a Kurt Metzger tweet four years ago or something.

It's just every once in a while you just block all Kevins. Yeah. That's every February 13th. Block all Kevins day on social media. And I did it. And then, you know, I unblocked you on Valentine's Day. But I followed tradition. Just me.

Graham, this is the 30th. You are back. I'm back already. So if you saw Graham in Winnipeg, you're one of the lucky ones. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks a lot for coming out to the shows, everybody. And speaking of live shows, we're going to be doing a whole bunch of them in the fall.

And if they've been announced and if tickets are on sale, you can find tickets at StopPodcastingYourself.com or MaximumFun.org in the episode post. For this episode, there's at least the Edmonton show posted. Yeah. These are all Canadian cities. Yeah. You know, what America we're not coming there because of what you did. You know what you did?

You canceled Seinfeld. Yeah. And thanks for everybody for listening. If you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself. And now we'll do the Croatian one. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. But if you're listening, if you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. And now we'll do the Croatian one. Yeah, okay.

Here we go. Here we go.