Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 544 - Caitlin Howden

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

Caitlin Howden of the Sunday Service returns to talk lavender, crumbles, and the Jersey Shore.

Before we start this week's episode, another live Stop Podcasting Yourself to announce. Vancouver, September 28th, there will be a live Stop Podcasting Yourself at the H.R. Macmillan Space Center. That's right. You go in to the planetarium, sit back, we'll be there, visuals up on the ceiling, a completely unique Stop Podcasting Yourself, September 28th at the H.R. McMillan Space Center. Tickets for that available. StopPodcastingYourself.com.

Just click on episode 544. You'll find ticket links to that show. And if you are in Toronto, Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton, or Saskatoon, you can find ticket links to our shows in your city. StopPodcastingYourself.com Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo!

Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 544 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who says, Billie Jean is not his lover, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, she's just a girl who thinks that I'm the one? Yeah, yeah. The kid is not my son. That's right. But is that you're just going based on an assumption

or has there been a test? Oh, boy. Well, I mean, if he knows they didn't do it, then he knows. Then he knows. That's true. Yeah, but if they were maybe in a hot tub and he did it in the hot tub. Yeah. And she was by himself. And then she got in a day later.

Yeah. And a dollar short. That's the only other way to get pregnant. And our guest today, a returning guest to the podcast, she is a member of the Sunday Service, which performs every Sunday at the Fox Cabaret. She's an actress. I would say she's also a writer. She's also, she produces. She does it all.

She's Caitlin Howden. Thanks for having me. Thank you for being our guest. What a nice intro. Thank you. It's nice to be reminded. Just so you know the things you've done. Yeah.

Your hyphenates. Yeah, yeah. I would put them more commas. Okay, sure. You know, it's a list. I would use a comma. I would just do it as one giant word. You find my skills.

Like a word search, but it's really easy because it's just word after word after word. No, I think a word search would be good, like in a little grid there. What about, yeah, a business card where it's all in a word search and you just have to find the elements? That's not bad. That's not bad. You know what? Anybody out there who's making a business card, use it. Yeah, because then your tagline could also be like, I've got what you're looking for.

Or the possibilities are endless. It could be an optometrist if it's not what you're looking for or uh the possibilities are endless because they could be an optometrist if it's you can put some fake ones in there too you can put some fake yeah yeah yeah jobs and or just dingus things like that yeah it's just fun to circle yeah yeah it's just fun to circle uh should we get to know us? Yeah Get to know us Now Caitlin Caitlin You brought us over Some lavender

For some reason today For our appreciation First of all I think We should start bringing gifts To people's homes more often Uh huh Agreed

You should show up With some sort of Never show up empty handed Exactly You know If I learn anything At finishing school in finland it's what was the name of that school again

start it and then finish it that was bad it wasn't just finish finishing school damn it yeah edit that please no problems and just change it to your voice fix that please yes i brought you lavender. I have a lot of lavender in my garden right now. It's the time to cut it back. These are Gwyneth Paltrow problems. I got a goop situation. I actually have been thinking of drying the lavender and then making it into little eye pillows and then giving it to my friends as gifts they don't want.

Now, what is an eye pillow? I'm picturing a tea bag. Oh, an eye pillow. I'm picturing a mask with big bulbs on it. It's a mask, yeah, for your eyes. And then you put it, but you can put things in it and it can be relaxing if it's lavender. Like trinkets? Yeah, trinkets.

You have like money. Oh, I like this. You can put a toonie in for your birthday. Yeah. I think it's a thing maybe only ladies could appreciate. Well, the fact you didn't know what an eye mask is. I know what an eye mask is. Okay, eye pillow. Well, then there's something in it, you know?

And when I hear eye pillow, I think of like, you know, an intelligent pillow where I can plug in my phone and all this type of stuff. It seems like something you would maybe get at an airport. Yeah. So you plug in your phone and you put on an eye mask but it also charges your phone while you fly. Yeah, really close to your brain. That's a great spot to charge something. What's wrong

with that? Just close to the brain. You're such a conspiracy theorist. I can't help it. Show me the truth then. Okay. Move over InfoWars, right? There's a new kid on the block. Well, now that he's gone, there's all this room. Yeah, that was weird.

I thought that was going to be a touchy subject, but we always knew he was bad. Oh, no, he got got. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I think it was around the time that he told his followers to, you know, attack the parents. The Sandy Hook parents. Yeah, yeah. It seemed like I was like, I feel like I'm going a different way than this Alex Jones. He's admitted in court that this is just a character that he does.

He had to admit that in court to, like, keep his kids. And he also had to apologize to a brand of yogurt, which is my favorite thing. Which one? Chobani? Chobani! Really? I just guessed that. I just guessed it. He had to apologize to Chobani. That's my favorite thing. Which one? Chobani? Chobani! Really? I just guessed that. I just guessed it.

He had to apologize to Chobani. That's my vacation yogurt. I've never had a Chobani. Well, you got to go on vacation to get it. Okay. It's not here. Oh, we can't get it here. No.

Oh, that makes it all the more exciting. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it might be dog shit, but like the fact that it's on vacation it's a fun treat yeah that used to be like frozen yogurt i feel a feeling for some reason there wasn't frozen yogurt in canada in the 80s i just and maybe it's because my parents wouldn't let me have it or ice cream yeah it was more like oh it was always vacation ice cream yeah but weren't you in like the the north of quebec yeah that was only for like six years but then i was in montreal where there was ice cream but was there frozen yogurt well in the 80s we had a place

and it's it's the name of the thing that you think of in the simpsons it was called frogurt oh yeah maybe frogurts it was in it was by kids beach my sisters loved it. We also had Dole Whip. Mmm. Oh. You'll get that in Hawaii now, I think. Maybe. Huh. But I don't know what that's. That's the pineapple one?

It's just like a whipped up pineapple? No, I think it had a few different, maybe it had a couple different flavors. Fruities. I don't remember that at all. I'm thinking of the pineapple. Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of. Like a frothy pineapple something.

Like I just remember this one store at 16th and Dunbar had Dole Whip. My sisters went bananas for it. Oh, maybe it was banana. And one of them wrote like a book report on Dole Whip. A book report?

A book report? I hope she didn't pass. I hope there was a phone call to your parents and we talked about what the book was. And in the back, if you have any questions you can call this hotline. [phone]-DOLL

This is a receipt from three Dole Whips. Now you brought lavender here that's from your garden in your new place. You moved into a fantastic new place. We got a new place and I inherited a massive garden. So the people who used to live there before were very good at gardening and then they got a divorce so they had to sell the place and that's why we bought it. Does it have a

divorce-y energy in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of neglected plants. Let's just say that. They were focusing on something else. So I'm learning a lot, and I'm giving a lot of my friends plants. Plants. And it might get to the point that people are going to say, please stop. Well, I don't know.

Like, what other plants? Do you have some fruit plants up there? Yeah, but they got a fungus, Graham. Oh, boy. They're not gonna fruit this year let me tell you uh if i've never you know what it is i feel like i'm getting older the more i garden i'm only 35 but in the past three months i've gotten very into gardening i have four different wide-brimmed hats i got a lot of gloves i get excited about a leather glove

because because of the roses, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Why? Explain. Because the roses are extra thorny. Oh, sure. And you can't just use a vinyl glove.

Okay, so this is what I was worried was going to happen on the podcast. I was going to get too into the gardening. No, no, no. We want, we want, this is what we want. Did you know, have you always been a gardener? I've always really liked gardening. My mom's a good gardener. So, like, you recognized the fungus when you moved in you're like this is fungus yeah yeah there was there

was there's some rust on the plants oh is that guard is that like garden slang yeah i'm going into a lot of nurseries now too and i'm trying to befriend uh different kinds of botanists and arborists trying to talk to them be like i've got this fungus on my sour cherry tree i don't know what to do with it and then they kind of like nod knowingly like oh good luck yeah they just walk away don't let that get on your hydrangeas and i'm like yeah right yeah you don't want to get them on the hydrangeas because why i don't know i don't know because i don't know i just i just keep listening and going like hydrangea i'm just picturing a fire hydrant. I'm picturing like a hydra.

Like a, you know, like fire. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's those big flowers. Those big purple, pink, white, bulbous flowers.

I still couldn't draw you one. I wouldn't ask you to. I bet you could. Just draw a circle. Yeah. There you go. Okay. With some petals on it.

Hydrangea. Do they pee coming out of it? Are they up or down? It's a big bush. Yeah, okay. With some petals on it. And a drange. Mm-hmm. People and pee coming out of it. Are they up or down? It's a big bush. Yeah, okay. It's all big bushes. Okay.

I have a home of bushes. Now, all of these plants are just what was left over? Did you bring anything into the fray? This is just what was part of the home. Okay. Because of the divorce. No, here's, what are you going to do? You're going to take the plant?

No. I would let them die. Absolutely. I would let them die. Absolutely. I'd watch them die. Out of spite. Out of spite. Be like, no one loves you. We are finding out things that light up in our house that we didn't know about.

What does that mean? So there's a lot of LEDs in our home. When we moved in, there were about eight remotes. And it's taken us a while. Wow. To turn things on about eight remotes. And it's taken us a while to turn things on. House remotes. And it turns out our

kitchen island lights up different colors. Cool. Yeah, it's very hotel. You know what I mean? There's a lot of hotel features to this place. Like what else? You've got a kitchen that lights up. Do you have curtains that are remote control? No, I wish. Why?

That would be so cool. How hard is your life? No, no. It's not about being hard. It's just like another remote. It's just the closer thing to the future. Yeah. Yeah, and it makes you kind of like Bruce Wayne a bit to have curtains that close themselves.

Yeah, and we have a lot of windows, so it would be nice for a little bit of help. These shoulders are getting too buff from closing all these drapes i'm getting very toned shoulders congratulations i've heard that yeah yeah is that the word are people really talking about my shoulders yeah there's a i mean i read the trades yeah i i go to r slash caitlin's shoulders subreddit thank you and it's not always you in there sometimes it's Caitlyn Jenner Yeah Really tough It's mostly Caitlyn Jenner Very athletic Yeah

Very much so An athlete Yeah Yeah like I can think of ten Like some kind of Athlon A ten Athlon I don't know That she'd be good at

So you've taken to You're going to keep all these plants alive Good for you Yes Yeah Well I mean you cut a bunch of Of them out of the ground and gave them to us. You know what? It's a lot of trial and error.

I may have killed a lot of plants so far. I don't know. I'm trying out a lot of things. Some of your friends might end up with fungus in their eye pillows. Yeah. Here's the thing. Everyone's been getting lilies. My lilies were blooming for a while, so everyone got lilies.

Ooh, my lilies are blooming today. They kind of smell like piss. So then everyone had all these little piss flowers in their home. And in their eye pillows. Yeah, I'm not going to make a lily eye pillow. Not anymore. No, thanks. Did I ever tell you guys the story about the time that I bought an eye mask?

No. Well, I mean, no. Yeah, maybe. So one night I... I've seen a lot of movies in eye mask. I bought it. Oh yeah, with the chairs that go back and feed to sleep. So I bought this eye mask thinking this is going to help.

I have very thin eyelids. You know, the light really affects my eyes. Very thin paper eyelids up here. Not, you know, not thick. I feel like we have heard this story before because I definitely have. Like I'm having deja vu that I'm about to say everyone has thin eyelids. Really? Is this where I went to sleep?

I woke up. Go ahead. Tell us. Okay. So I go to sleep. I put on my eye mask. I'm having a really deep sleep. It's great.

I'm finally sleeping through the night. But of course you have to pee. So I get up to go pee and I slide my eye mask up around my forehead. And I walk to the bathroom with my eyes kind of closed and I pee. And when I'm done peeing, I take the eye mask off my forehead and I wipe my bum with it and I throw it in the toilet. Why do you pee on your bum? And that's when I fully wake up. And I realize that I have thrown a $40 silk eye mask into the toilet, into a bunch of pee.

And then I have to make a decision. Like, what do I do? What do you do? It's like 3 a.m. Leave it. You leave it. You flush it? You don't flush it.

You get a coat hanger. You scoop it out. You put it into a plastic bag. You tie up that plastic bag. Do you do that at 3 in the morning or do you do that in the morning? You do that the next day. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go, I can't. This is where you start your day. Honestly, like I'm just trying to be, I'm trying to do a good thing and then this happens. I definitely have that of when I'm in the middle, when it's the middle of the night and I have to pee of being like, I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to wake up too much for this. No, no. Yeah. You're kind of like teetering, right?

Like, come on, you know where it is. Yeah. Yeah. Let's, let's sit down. There's nothing, you know, masculinity is a prison, but. No, you need to just. I'm breaking out. Yeah.

You're hovering. You're barely functioning. You're just going off muscle memory right now. You know what I mean? And now in your new place, you have just a roll of these silk out. Yeah, you're hovering. You're barely functioning. You're just going off muscle memory right now. You know what I mean? And now in your new place, you have just a roll of these silk masks. You can just pull a new one off. But you also have that remote control bedpan. Yeah, it's great.

Life's easy right now. Buying yourself a nice sleep mask seems like that attainable luxury. Buying yourself a nice sleep mask seems like that attainable luxury. Like it's one little thing that you're like, it's on the precipice of being too much for the thing. But you're like, I'm going to treat myself to a nice sleep. Maybe this is an investment into my sleep. You know, maybe I'll give myself a nice fun thing. It's good for me. And you justify it that it's somehow health related

yeah yeah sleep is you know what lack of sleep is killing us not sleeping it's killing us honestly that's why everyone says we look like zombies yeah you know yeah yeah yeah i look like a zombie oh god i feel like a zombie i'm dying dying. Yeah, I'm dying. I'm undead. I'm having a crazy week. I'm crazy. I'm having a real identity crisis. I think I'm a zombie. Mercury is in retrograde. Oh, yeah.

Which, apparently. Is it? That's what everyone keeps telling me. I know, but it happens like once a month? Yeah, yeah. And what does it do? Good? Bad?

Retrograde? Yeah, yeah. That's how you get away with things like that. It makes you get away with it it makes things crazy yeah yeah it makes it a little bit good and it's also bad it's strong but it's also very weak so you might not even notice it yeah but you will for sure feel it but if anyone wants to like let us know for real what mercury and retrograde is about we will write back that you're an idiot like even if you know everything about it we think you're dumb yeah but sometimes you ever have where like like several crazy things that were all happening it just happens to be a full moon as well where you're like something weird is going on have you ever noticed that like like, just in one night where, like... You saw a werewolf.

A werewolf. I saw a Frankenstein. I saw a dragon. I saw a mummy. A little old lady got mutilated late last night. A Dracula. A Frankenstein. A Frankenstein.

I mean, I was working in the lab. This was the last time this was late one night. And something, something. A scary sight. But have you ever noticed that have you ever been on like out on a night where it's i mean it all seems like it's coincidence but abby noticed that in certain neighborhoods in neighborhoods of vancouver uh on the friday after welfare wednesday yeah things got crazy we when i used to host a show every wednesday that that

night the like the taps were open oh really yeah it was like everybody uh got a welfare check on wednesday uh-huh you could go to the whatever and cash it and then everybody it was like cabs couldn't get a cab on a wednesday night Every bar in the city was overflowing with people. And then the next night. I find that also like on a lot of Fridays, the teenagers have switched bodies with their mothers. Well, that's true. But that's when Mercury's in freaky gray.

That's like a weird premise that they've made every generation seems to not just freaky friday but like body swap yeah body swap 13 going on 30 yeah yeah i thought that was a guy about 13 people who peed on 30 other people going on all right everyone here's the mission we gotta go on these people when? now? yeah what is this?

it's a movie what? it was originally gonna be called the dirty dozen but they added one more the dirty baker's dozen

yeah then they were gonna call it the hateful eight and then they added more yeah then the nuisance nine

oceans eight oceans eight did anyone see that no i know i don't think anywhere no it didn't do it didn't do very well didn't do very well i'm a bad woman i didn't see it yeah bad woman yeah she's a bad woman not doing much she's not extending a hand. Look at this hutch. This is in your new place. I bought a hutch. It came with a divorce hutch. Was there anything else besides remotes and plants or had they cleaned out

the place completely? It came with a barbecue. Really? Yeah, and it came with some outdoor furniture. They really got divorced. They really got divorced. They really got divorced. Like they couldn't figure out who was going to take this goddamn barbecue.

No. And they also had a place in, what's it called? Palm Springs. Whoa. Oh. Yeah. They were doing all right. Yeah.

Not well enough? Save their marriage. See, there you go. But you know enough? Save their marriage. Not, see, there you go. But you know what? That's fine. You know what? Like, not every marriage is meant to last. Exactly.

And no, you know what? No divorce is bad. And you know what? We're going to say you know what a lot. Yeah. You know what? That's fine by me. The, uh, are you a barbecue person?

I'm so sorry to all the Mercury and retrograde people. I feel really bad. You guys, you guys are on to something the Mercury and retrograde people. I feel really bad. You guys are on to something. It's okay, Dave. You weren't wrong. No. It's okay to not believe in something. It's also okay to believe in it.

Yeah. But I felt like I was mean about it. But also very right. And I have no science to back anything up. No, that's just your gut. Yeah. Yeah, from all that yogurt. He's got a healthy gut.

I know too many smart people who own crystals that they receive energy from. Yeah. I mean, I like the idea of having crystals around just because they're nice. Like, they seem like a nice thing to have around. Whenever I see them, I'm like, ooh. Yes, they're very pretty. Yeah, you know. Like, I wouldn't want, like, you know, a ton of them.

But a couple crystals kicking around, I could see. And, you know, it is nice to hold a rock or a crystal. It's nice to hold something slightly weighted. There was. There was a rock up on here. Have a quarter. Not weighted enough. Yeah.

It'd be a toonie, buddy. But if I'm walking somewhere, like, on a trail, I enough yeah be a toonie buddy but if I'm if I'm walking somewhere like on a trail I'll pick up a rock and just hold it isn't that yeah that's a very

I want to apologize to the people who I if I made disparaging remarks about a crystal earlier I guess I'm outnumbered and

whatever Dave what you can't tell is that I have two tattoos one is the ohm symbol and the other one is a Libra sign in some sort of symbol as well.

So I've been... Like in a Ghostbusters symbol or what? I'm afraid no twins. No, that's Gemini. Yeah, but then when they introduced the new astrological sign, I'm now no longer a Libra. So now I'm a liar on my lower back. Lower back? You're welcome. Yeah.

Put that in your ears. What age of Caitlin's life did this take place? 18 and 19. And you always wanted to get a tattoo it's just who i was okay it's just who i was and what do you know about yourself well at this point i know my if i know anything it said i'm a libra and i will always be changing yeah yeah well i didn't know they changed they added a new astrological sign and some people are

on board and some people are not. Do you know the name of it? I don't. It's something like Deca-something. Oh, okay. Or Aura-something. I don't know. Doe Decahedron.

It's a Doe Decahedron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a 10-headed hydrangea plant, if I'm not mistaken. What's the name? Is there a name of the new astrological clock? Yeah, yeah. It's just this new astrological clock? Yeah, yeah. It's just this new astrological sign. I don't know what it is.

Like just a new kid on the block that's stirring shit up? Uh-huh. And then everyone got bumped. Oh, really? So you might not be a... Cancers. Pisces. Yeah.

He likes it. Just the opening of this sentence. That's like the first sentence before you even get to a link on Google. The 13th zodiac sign discovered by NASA. There it is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's science. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. They are all connected to some like constellation. That's right. Those stars ain't lying. Yeah, yeah. They're also changing. So let's also, you know,

that's where NASA comes in where he goes, look, if you want to start talking stars, there's only one place to go. Let's be accurate. Yeah.

If you want to rent furniture, go to the brick. If you want to talk stars, go to NASA. What's your sign, Graham? Pisces. Ah, you're Aquarius now. Well,

this is the dawning of that age and I'm ready for it. And I'm now, oh, I'm the new one. What, this is the dawning of that age. And I'm ready for it. And I'm now... Oh, I'm the new one! What are you? Dodecahedron? O-P-H-I-U-C-H-U-S.

Ophiuchus? Ophiuchus? Ophiuchus? Wow. Boy! Yeah, it changes everything, doesn't it? Oh! Oh, nuts! How do you feel? I gotta get this tag touched up. You're a doesn't it? Oh. Oh, nuts.

How do you feel? How do I feel? I got to get this tag touched up. You're a Virgo now? I'm a Virgo. Obviously. Oh, boy. Makes sense.

I'm Graham. Are you born in March? What does it feel? I want to know about myself now. Maybe this is all true now, and it was all nonsense before. And now maybe it's all accurate. Yeah, maybe you just weren't connecting because it wasn't accurate. Oh, Phiaka's personality.

Oh, I'm very loyal. I like having my space. Okay. No. You're an absolute visionary. There you go. Check. People think you're wise.

What? You seek knowledge and are determined to be a better person no i dismiss knowledge and already think i'm a better person and you're doing fine yeah yeah oh ficus yeah oh boy oh boy so uh i also saw this Body traits Of different How dare they Yeah Here's what

Your best feature I mean this is Nothing This is maybe from a tumbler Here's something Anyway Best feature Cheekbones

Mine are eyelashes now Oh That doesn't lie Hey Look at those Peepers Yeah My goodness

Those dough Those doughy Cheepers And Yeah. My goodness. Those doughy. Cheepers, cheepers. And yours are your freckles. Yeah, right. I'm pale and burnt. I'm just two parts. Pink and white.

And Graham, yours are your curves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, everybody knows that. Yeah. They don't lie. Oh, boy. I couldn't even go on a lie detector with these curves. They would tell the truth all the way to the bank.

Anyways, there's a lot of cross-contamination happening here. We're working hard. Yeah. It's very hard. Now, the fact that you, I don't have any tattoos. Dave doesn't have any tattoos. Hey, you don't know that. It's been, we haven't seen each other in four days.

That's true. Did you get a tattoo yesterday? Fred Savage? That's crazy what looks real man also it's it's not healing yeah yeah yeah

that's scabbing over weird Fred Scabbage you're not supposed to get that wet oh boy would you get another tattoo

no no that's it two and done so the ones on the lower back. Ones on my foot. Oh. So you can't. There we go. I'm just a tiny guy.

They're both real. Which one's that? Wimpies. They're not bold. This one's the OM symbol. Remember? Breathe. OM. Yeah I guess when you said that I didn't know what that was. I was picturing an onk. I was picturing the home symbol from a computer through his face. I was picturing an onk. I was picturing the home symbol from a computer. Oh, yeah.

I was picturing tab. Yeah, they're tiny little tattoos. How long would that take? An hour? Yeah, like a half hour. An hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a very low...

Guys, I used to have a nose ring. What? Yeah, I know I see that. Yeah, I used to have bleach blonde hair. Now I have normal brown hair that I dyed, and it's not gray. What were you? Were you like a punk? Yeah.

You were some sort of grunge goddess? Or you were like an Ani DiFranco. Yes! Yes, I was an Ani DiFranco fan. Yes, I went to an Ani DiFranco concert, and she gave me one of her pics. Oh, boy. Wow. Did you turn that into a necklace uh no

but i put it in a box did she use does she use a pick because famously she used lee press on nails that she tapes onto her fingers but maybe she also had a pick i don't know how she got maybe she just had maybe she just had like switches up for songs yeah yeah maybe yeah honestly the one where she really shreds oh boy i got. I got a feeling the Crystal people are going to start correcting me about Ani DeFranco. Yeah. I was, I don't know, just living my best 18-year-old life. There was a time when she and Dave Matthews were like the acoustic voices for everyone in college. I went to two Dave Matthews band concerts and I went to two Ani DiFranco concerts.

You're accurate. Yeah. I was doing the things that you were supposed to do or so I thought I was. You were. Yeah. Did you play Frisbee? No, no, no, no. Okay.

I mean, I sat while my friends played Frisbee. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I've changed many times. I've become many different people. What were you as a teen? What was that?

Like a leadership student, head of student council. Oh, okay. Gross. Yeah, gross. Model UN. Pretty cool, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Pretty cool.

No kissing boys for me. I've got a committee to run. Yeah, I'm a Virgo soon. I have a feeling I'm going to. I've got a committee to run. Yeah, I'm a Virgo soon. I have a feeling I'm going to. A committee to run. Yeah. And I was always the oldest in my grade because I was born in October. My parents decided to hold me back so I'd always be the oldest.

That's holding you back many months. Yeah. I was sometimes almost a year older than people in my grade. So you dominated. So I dominated. And I was massive. Massive. Oh, and I was massive. I was massive. Oh, and I was confident, too.

Yeah? Yeah, and I would call the teachers by their first names. Whoa! There was, like, Madame Rabat, but I called her Miriam, because we were kind of friends. I think I was better friends with the teachers, I do. Have a great weekend, Rick. Bye, Miriam.

I'd go horseback riding with, like, Mrs. Moore, Mrs. Moore, but after school programs, what can I say? An after school horseback riding program? Yeah. Were you a horse girl? No, but I signed up for it. Okay. So you were like any committee, any extracurricular, you were in? I was in it, yeah.

Just for fun, or did you think that was something you needed to do to qualify for college? No, no, no. I wasn't worried about college in any way. It was more just like, well, someone's got to do it. You know.

Those horses aren't going to ride themselves. Honestly. Oh, what if they did? Cavalia. If we really want to go on this grad ski trip, someone needs to organize it

and I will do it. Everyone sign up right now. But you remember every part of that grad ski trip Honestly I think I cried The whole time Why? I hated it

I think I liked Planning activities For other people So that no one would notice That I wasn't You know what I mean This reminds me of A certain movie

Starring Jennifer Lopez As a wedding planner The wedding planner? Yeah No it reminds me of the movie Enough. I'm tired of hearing it. Oh, there we go. Yeah, that was high school.

Beaconsfield High School. BHS. If anyone listens to the podcast, I went to BHS. What's up? So then you, after that, you graduated, you turned into Andy DeFranco. Got that nose piercing. Started smoking. Okay, cool. Yeah, started smoking. Went to Andy DeFranco. Got that nose piercing. Started smoking. Okay, cool.

Started smoking. Went to Andy DeFranco. When did that stop? Because the lavender didn't smell all that fresh. Oh, stop. Please.

That's the freshest lavender you're ever going to get. Yeah, pick today. Pick today, yeah. Pick today. Maybe Ashton today? Not at all.

If anything, there's a few hornets in there. But that is all. If anything, your house is going to be a hotbed of hornets. Yeah, there's an aphid problem. I'm dealing with it, okay, Dave? First there's the fungus on the fruit basket tree and the cherry. God, I'm doing my best. And then was there another phase after Annie DeFranco

before there was millions I was a flight attendant I was a yoga instructor you were a yoga instructor yeah I didn't know about this yeah yoga flow

good life fitness did you need to like have a sorry did you need to like write a resume for that

or did you just show them your tattoo you know what's funny I took a course in Ottawa it was a weekend course because that's how you become a yoga instructor you go to ottawa for the weekend and when i came back i was like now's the time for my tattoo ah yes i had found enlightenment uh over the weekend yeah over those uh let's say 12 hours all together but i was sore you know. I was sore. I was, and I barely passed.

But I did. Yeah. I don't know. You guys weren't always this cool, right? I've never been this cool. Yeah. Are you a peak cool? No.

I think you are. Oh, no. I think you've never been cooler, Dave. You're probably right. I don't value coolness. No, but in your own cool way, you know what I mean? Where you're like, that's cool. I do feel like, because when I was, I always thought being cool was like the thing to be.

Yeah. And then as an adult, I'm like, oh, cool people suck. I just want to hang out with dorks. But then the dorks become cool to you. Yeah, it's confidence. You know when that cool person walks into a party and everyone's relieved that they're there? Yeah.

You go, wow. And you think, wait, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. It's fine. Yeah, I was here first. I was here first and I'm going to leave early. And that's nice. And that's cool too.

And that's nice when you're hosting a party. Or like you see a photograph of someone. You're like, wow, they look so cool in that photograph. Oh, that was one instant. Yeah. Like that lives on forever just because James Dean's hair was being blown back for a second. He's cool forever. It's also because he died during his cool. Yeah.

Oh, boy. It's the same thing if Alex Trebek died in the early 80s. We'd all have posters of him on our wall. Change everything. You're telling me I'm at peak cool right now? I think you're, yeah. Should I die? No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't go speeding around in any Porsche Spiders, Dave. Porsche Spiders. Yeah, scary. We used to be able to like, there was the thing too, because everyone takes selfies now and you can edit what photo you want and put filters on it I remember going through family albums

where whatever got printed whatever it took is what was there so I always look back and one of my aunts always I thought of was so ugly

because in all of our family photos she just wasn't photogenic right it was like sorry Lou you don't cut it you know what I mean she's just not a photogenic

but truly she's a beautiful woman. But in all of our family photos, you're like, oh, God, how did she make that face so fast? But that's what got printed. Yeah. So that's how the family's going to remember Lou. And you've got 24 pictures in a roll. And you put all 24 in an album. And there's your memories.

Yeah, except maybe the one or two where you took the photo and then you put the lens cap back on and then you took another photo with the lens cap on. I have a cousin who was always a little bit, well, he's like a second cousin, I think. And he was bigger than me and I always thought he was kind of mean to me. And that was all based off of this one photograph of him

pouring chocolate sauce on me. You were saying pour some sugar on me. You didn't have any. And then I looked, I recently saw the picture again. It's not, it's water. And he's not pouring it. It's spilling and it's not even hitting me. Really?

Yeah. It's all wrong? It's all wrong. Wow. Yeah. It's not, because chocolate sauce is dark. Yeah. Yeah.

But it like it photographed dark okay yeah yeah and that's how you just remember it yeah huh and so all these years

like it looks like chocolate sauce coming out of it but the cup is water like you can see there's no chocolate sauce in the cup

and so he was from that time he was hanging off of the side of the cliff and you didn't save him because of that incident

because of that incident yeah um Dave what's going on with you man hanging off of the side of the cliff and you didn't save them because of that incident. And because of that incident. Yeah. Um, Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Um, Oh yeah. I forgot that you're, you became a leg player. I'm a, I know I, well, I traded in all my spoons. I'm getting into,

so this is the, uh, summer's the worst. And, uh, but it's a great time for fruit. Oh man, is it ever. Woo!

A nectarine? Get out of here. I don't know how to feel these days. I'm angry, and then I bite into a peach, and I'm euphoric. Yeah, I get a giant bag of blueberries, just like some asshole, and I just eat them straight from the store. I'm making oatmeal, and I'm like, what could I put in this? Oh, 50 things.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It is, it's a, yeah, it's a magical thing. Namely, I haven't had time to make pies. Pies are a little time consuming. I've been making crisps and crumbles. Ah, yes.

You're turning on the oven in this heat? Yeah. Why, you're a nut. You are a nut. You gotta, you gotta. You're baking a pie. Why, you're a nut. You are a nut. You gotta, you gotta enjoy it. You're baking a pie. Not a pie.

A crumble. A crisp or a crumble. Sure. Now, what's the difference? I don't know. Okay. Some people argue that one of them

has oats. On top? As part of the, the stuff. And would that be the crumble? I don't know. Okay.

And you guys think you're not cool. This is cool stuff. Come on. I also like, there's also, I haven't made a cobbler. That's different. That uses, I think, biscuit gravy. Ew. Biscuit gravy?

No. Remind me not to. Biscuit dough instead of, you know, your oat mixture. Oh, yeah. I love biscuit. And then there's a buckle. There's a grunt. What? I don't know exactly what a grunt is.

Well, I know there's 30-odd feet of it. Yeah, there's 30 feet in a grunt. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. And that's metric, right? Yeah.

The band metric. Stop. Keep going. Get out of here. Oh, my Lord. So, yeah. And they pair great with a vanilla ice cream. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's like, that's the payoff to turning on the oven. Yeah. So you get to get a little ice cream action on the other end. I like when the ice cream melts on top of it, but it kind of cools the crumble or crisp in question. And you get the perfect spoonful of a nut, because sometimes ice cream is too cold. You know, it's just too cold. You have to wait a bit.

No. Yeah. Yes. Smoothies, ice cream, it's too cold. No. Yeah. The only time ice cream is too cold is if you can't scoop it out. Oh, like it's too hard.

If it's too hard. Oh, yeah, yeah. If it's too hard for the spoon. Otherwise, I'll just use my hand. Just let your hand just sink into it slowly? Well, that's sort of... You palm the cone a bit? Do you ever use your hand to...

Because we live in a city where it doesn't get that cold, and some days, like maybe 10 days a year, your car gets frosted over. Do you ever use your hand to defrost it because you don't have the tool? No. No. Also, I don't have a car. So, I mean, maybe I should do that for my neighbor.

Go put my hand on their car to defrost it. I've used a credit card. Oh, yeah. I use whatever points card I don't need anymore. Yeah. I've given up on shoppers, truly. They're changing the points. It's changing too fast.

It's changing too fast. You got to get a new card now. So I was like, you know what? Forget it. I got the new card. It was very easy. Really? Okay, maybe I'll try a little bit.

Literally, the cashier just took my old card and threw it in the garbage and gave me a new card. Oh, okay. It was that easy. Maybe I'll go in. Maybe I'll talk to somebody. I'm not a member of any of those.

I don't have any grocery. I don't have any other kind of card. Aeroplan. You must have Aeroplan. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What I just mean, like, in terms of, like, getting points at a store, so you have to go back to the store and claim your points. No.

Not for me, man. I don't want you tracking me. I'm a little too paranoid for that. Yeah. Info Wars. Yeah. the store and claim your points no not for me man i don't want you tracking me i'm a little too paranoid for that yeah um info wars yeah so the other thing that's been going on with me is here it comes uh there's this so there's this peter gabriel song last week with emma we were talking about peter gabriel and it got me thinking about there's this one song called i go swimming which is only on his live album okay it doesn't exist other than as a live song it's got a cool bass line yeah and then uh sounds like a bass line and like for a long time i wondered what is this a live

version of is there another and there's nothing that's been released. That's this song. And then I found it on YouTube and it is, it's like a joke song. It is so like the, I guess some of the lyrics aren't finished and it's all about swimming. So, you know,

swimming is in the pool. Swimming is cool. Uh, well, that's an easy rap to make. And that does make the final version yeah yeah yeah sure but the funniest part is at the very beginning he does like uh improvs some scatting and it sounds like this

this sounds awful this this sounds uh it sounds it sounds like there's no way it couldn't have been a joke song. So is this his song? Yeah. Okay, this isn't a cover of a kid's song? No. And he chose to do it again? Like after recording, he's like, you know what, tonight, guys, we're going to bring back the splish, splash.

I'm feeling like singing that tune. I never do a concert without singing this song. In the live version, he doesn't do anything quite that embarrassing. It's a pretty good song. But then to hear where it came from. Yeah. I mean, this is like, I assume he would have burnt these tapes. Well, also, you know, like some things are just meant to be seen live.

Yeah. Like when you see them on youtube you're like this is better like if that would be one thing that would really scare me about being a singer is anytime you had to like scat yeah just feel some vamp i think in that moment you just do a soft step steps touch you know if you had if someone says and this point is when you would scat, you'd go, or I'll just do a step touch. You know, a snap and a step touch. I'll just make some eye contact with some people in the audience.

I'll wave. How's everyone doing tonight? Thanks, Boston. Let me introduce the band. This is Kirk. You're beautiful people. Yeah. The,

uh, uh, after the podcast with Emmett, we went over to, uh, a bar. Oh, I wasn't invited.

Well, it all just happened very spontaneously. Uh, but there was an ad for smashing pumpkins. Like they're on tour again. And I was just like, I don't know, man,

singing those songs and being like that old like i'm having to get all psyched up to be like ah still a rat still a rat in a cage man he's so rich and like there's just nothing rat in the cage about his life. Yeah. Hasn't been forever. He was like part of wrestling for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Is he a conspiracy guy? Yeah.

Is he? Yeah. Oh. Rat. Rat in the cage, man. Can't be that rich if he's going back on tour again. I think it's pretty lucrative to go on tour. Yeah.

But like why not do that? Well, I mean, I'm saying if you're rich enough, why would you do anything? Yeah, I'm in that camp. I would just, you know what I mean? I would sit still. I think he probably also, I don't know, because it's like a reunion, too. So I think some of the original members are back. Yeah.

And so that's the only way to fill those seats anyway Is to have the Full band That's right Yeah Because I think maybe he was Touring around with Yeah Smashing I think maybe his

Old band mates were like Hey why don't we all Go on tour together And make some money We need money too Billy We're We're actually Have that rage

That you're looking for At you At you We'd love to spend some time with you on the road. You know, we used to play Smash and Pumpkins all the time whenever we'd have dance parties in my furnace room. And I would take out all the light bulbs in the

furnace room and I would replace it with red light bulbs. And those would be like our grade 6 dances. What? You were a party planner. Was this in school or a house? At home. Like on a Friday night, you know, grade 6, grade 7. I just can't picture what a furnace room is. A furnace room, it's just, it's the unfinished part of the basement where the furnace is, where the big freezer is, where they keep the Nordic track machine.

But it's not like filthy? No, no, no. Oh, okay. But like, you would put on parties. Wow. It was, yeah. That's advanced. Mm-hmm.

Because like, yeah, I's advanced. Cause like, yeah, I didn't ever want that. I was a kid. I didn't, you know, organizing a party. Oh,

thanks. No, I think, I think maybe I was meant to be some sort of like social planner, but never be the bride. I mean, shoot. I am Jennifer Lopez.

One time, uh, I remember in grade seven, the, it was when people were having boy-girl parties. Yeah. And written invitations were out. So I called everyone. And one guy I called, his birthday was the day after mine. And he hadn't, I guess maybe he was planning to have a birthday party.

But I invited him to my birthday party as well as a bunch of other people. And I invited him to my birthday party as well as a bunch of other people. And he, I, I invited him, he put the phone down and went and like was screaming at his mom for five minutes. What are we going to do about my party? And then, and I felt so like, I hate calling people on the phone to begin with. I don't like, I was not super on board with having a party, but everyone else was doing them. And so the next day at school, I went around to everyone and I was like, okay, you know what? Actually, we're going to have my party the week after. Just so he could have his party. That's great.

And guess what? Everyone got that memo except him, and he showed up a week early for my party. You forgot to tell the guy? No, I told him. I told everyone. He just didn't. He was just being a shit. His hormones were not.

I don't know what went wrong there. I felt very bad about it. Did you end up hanging out with him anyways when he came over to your house? God, I don't think I did. You just sent him away? I think he just got back in his car. His mom's car. He'd been having a rough week. out with him anyways when he came over to your house? God, I don't think I did. You just sent him away? I think he just got back in his car. Oh.

In his mom's car. He'd been having a rough week. He yelled at his mom too. Mom! God damn it! It wasn't even tonight! What was I mad about?

God! You're turning me into a monster! I put gel in my hair and everything! Oh, as if you have to coax a teenager to put gel in their hair. Little boy. They love it.

Love it. They love it. Slick it back. Stick it up front. I grew up in Quebec, and they had that little ski slope hairdo. Yeah, the Tintin. Yeah, the little Tintin. Yeah.

Push it all down until the very end, and then scoop it up. The Tintin or the Ross Geller. Yeah. The Ross,in, yeah. Push it all down until the very end, and then scoop it up. The Tintin or the Ross Geller. Yeah. The Ross, yeah, yeah. What's going on with you? Well, speaking of all things hair gel, the other day, there's a free preview right now of MTV on my television, and they were playing nothing but a sequel series to the Jersey Shore that I'm not sure anybody wants. Is it a reunion?

Yeah, a reunion. Oh, I did hear about that. And they are all... Is this where they go to Miami? Yes. Yes. Okay. It's the Jersey Shore reunion.

They're all in Miami except for Sammy. Sammy's didn't go. Sammy's the Billy Corgan of them. What was her Did she have a nickname Uh Sammy Remember when they brought in

That um Inflatable sex doll Yes And kept referring to it as Sammy Yeah That was her Okay Yeah

Cause I think she does show up At some point Cause they bring They bring somebody that They're like Look at who we invited And I've never seen the Jersey Shore. I was like, I don't know who, I don't know what this is.

Yeah, I never saw it either. I just know the three people's names. Yeah, I know the situation. Yeah. Jay Wow. Yeah. And Snooki. Those are all I know.

But I also knew the guy that he's the master of hair gel is Pauly D. Pauly D. Oh, is he not the situation? Uh-uh, they're different people. The situation used to be Mr. Abs. Now he just eats all the time? Well, because now he's completely sober. That's what it is.

Mike the Situation Sorrentino is completely sober. So they just keep showing him eating. And when everybody else is partying, it always cuts to him and he's like just finishing off a thing of ice cream or he's just digging into a corn dog. So they just film him eating. I find the editors on that show have a great sense of humor. They are burning these people left, right, and center in ways that I really appreciate. It's so good that they keep cutting away to people like basically having sex in a club on a dance floor right with these dance moves that make me blush you and me and i have two tattoos yeah this

is this is the red light special furnace room and then they cut over to mike the situation and he's just yeah he's just like eating a cone by himself they showed him on the treadmill eating a snickers but like he's not so bored he's not sober from sex. No, but he could go have dance floor sex. No, but because it's a reunion, it's like 10 years later, they're all in relationships. Yeah. Snooki has a couple of kids. Yeah, it's very different.

JWoww's married now. They all miss their kids. They all look, except for Pauly D, they all look terrible. Rough. They all look so rough They have not been using SPF Hey guys You guys look great

Thanks Thanks I use SPF I also don't I would never say that One of my fellow humans Looks rough You're right

Yeah you're right You're right But they do Often cut back To the original show And then you go Okay Woo Except Pauly D Pauly D looks great He has not changed They do often cut back to the original show, and then you go, okay.

Woo. Except Pauly D. Pauly D looks great. He has not changed, and also he's like, I guess, this I vaguely remember is like the slogan of the show was Jim Tan Laundry, and he's really trying to make that integral to this show. Yeah, GTL. He should be SPF. Zing!

I'm surprised that he doesn't have a line of t-shirts. He probably does. They all have lines of t-shirts. They probably have t-shirts.

Yeah, and I think they all Have any of them died? No. Surprisingly. Touch wood. Yeah.

All the best. Yeah, all the best, absolutely. But I feel like maybe this was a thing where maybe the, the first round of Jersey shore money dried up and they were like,

okay, time for a, the world is a vampire. I don't remember that song. You don't remember that song? Oh boy. That was there. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cane.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We skipped that song. What? You were more like, today's the greatest. Yeah. That's a nice song to dance to. Yeah. Yeah.

It's still this voice, though. Hi, I'm Billy Corgan. Oh, boy. Billy Corgan here. For nodule awareness. You got a nodule on your throat? Don't sing like that. For nodule awareness.

It's a gig, man. Everyone's got to take a gig man Everyone's gotta take a gig Yeah exactly I wish them Nothing but the best The Smashing Pumpkins? Yeah Oh yeah

Well that's I'm sure they'd be happy to hear that Yeah I'm sure that means a lot to them Yeah Yeah Especially The ones that

I like James Eha Of course That's all in. Darcy Retsky. Oh, yes. Jimmy Chamberlain. Whoa.

And who can forget? Billy Corgan. I like them all. Surprise twist. Surprise. Didn't expect that one, did you, listeners? And the other thing is I had a friend in from out of town and he was staying out in New Westminster and I don't really know where to grab lunch there.

So then I was like, place is close to the train station. One of the train stations is basically like a mall. It's like a train that just pulls into a mall and they've got all these restaurants just in the train station. So I was like, let's meet at this poutine place in a train station. Like in an old movie.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. At noon. Yeah. Yeah. 30 years of neither of us are married.

Let's meet in a poutine place. Yeah, have a poutine place. And it was not bad. And was the first time that I heard, there was this weird thing, if you didn't hear the news story, that there was going to be a voice done by... Billy Corgan. Billy Corgan. Remember to stand on the, let people off the train. I thought you were saying the new 911 voice.

Oh, no. Billy Corgan? No, the new, like, the voice of of the sky train and announcements was going to be morgan freeman yeah and then the next day he was a part of the the me too movement and all these things came out about morgan freeman and there was this mad scramble to say oh we were never gonna we were never gonna do that uh we've canceled we're not gonna have morgan freeman i feel like that's maybe the worst thing that happened to him out of it. I feel like the first few people who got it, got it hard,

and then there was maybe a little bit of fatigue, and people are like, you know what? What are you going to do? We miss you, Chris Hardwick. Yeah, well, yeah. I'm glad he's back. He's just got such a unique opinion and take on things. You know, and that's what I find refreshing.

So there was this thing, Morgan Freeman was going to be the voice, and then it became this gag that Seth Rogen said, well, if he's out, I'll do the voice. I'm from here. Yeah, I'm from Vancouver. I'll do it. So then they actually did it. And so now he's this voice.

Oh, it happened like that? Yeah, it's already. It's like that? Yeah, it's already. It's already done? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, if you get on the train or if you get on the bus, there's also an announcement on the bus. And he goes, hey, it's Seth. And he, like, says, like, you know, move to the back of the bus so more people can get on. And I was like, this is weird.

This is weird. Does it work? I mean, in as much as the old robot voice worked where it was like please move to the back of the bus but it was so weird when they had those videos of that robot recording those in the recording studio a little bit more in my headphones i'm sorry i thought i had it i'm too in my head no bicycles allowed during the hours of three two six yeah so he's all he he's those he's all that he's all that move over rachel evan damn it what's her name no no this is not no it's not she's all that yeah she's all rachel lee cook rachel lee cook i thought you not. She's all that? Yeah, she's all that. Oh, Rachel Leigh Cook.

Rachel Leigh Cook. I thought you were talking about Evan Rachel Wood, and she's a robot in Westworld, so I thought that's where we were going. Oh, no, no, no, no. Sure, sure. I'm afraid of Westworld. It's too scary. It is very scary. Too scary of a TV show.

But it's good. Give me the Jersey Shore, baby. Yeah. And that's scary in a different way. It is. Also, I didn't realize they were in Miami. They hang out in that mansion so much. There's no, they don't get any of the local flavor. Yeah.

What are the places you would go to in Miami? going to chainsaw him and then his henchmen come in and shoot the guys with the chainsaw I'd go to that street go to the street that the bird cages

I would go to the Miami Vice Museum go to where the various locations they shot Bienvenido a Miami Welcome to Miami I would go to

wherever I could see Sly Stallone dancing Basically I was like whatever you don't mention I'll mention the Will Smith video and the

birdcage I was setting myself up to come out as a hero oh and also I would visit the death place of Gianni Versace

oh yeah yeah I gotta go pay my respects did you watch that? the American the American the American the guy who did American Horror Story

did the yeah an American tale yeah an American tale yeah was Fievel tied up in this

yeah Fievel shot Gianni Versace that's weird yeah I guess he did go west and he didn't have guns yeah although

you can't get much more east than Miami. Yeah, that's true. But I just am picturing where the five will get a gun in the Old West. Probably on the boat. Somewhere out there. Yeah. Ah, yes.

Nailed it. Finally. Oh, boy. Well, let's move on to some overheards. Move on to some overheards. Somewhere out there beneath the sun. Someone's thinking of me. Once in a lullaby. in a lullaby.

Whenever dreamboat monkeys go, it's up inside me. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, I said overheards, but it's a business, guys. We're tricky.

It's just business. So part four, stop podcasting yourself, comes from Audible. Audiobooks are a great sidekick for summer activities like hiking, road tripping, enjoying downtime outdoors, gardening, tubing, barbecuing. Let's not forget indoors. Indoor barbecuing. Yeah, absolutely.

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And you can, one of the funniest things about Jack Handy is hearing Jack Handy actually read Jack Handy's writing. Yeah. And you can do that at Audible. You can hear him read the book the way it was meant to be enjoyed. I haven't read a book since. Why would you? You know, to better myself. Also, if you, like me, watch Moneyball every couple of days. It's a book.

So, chew on that. Yeah. You can find out about all the trades they made. Yeah. You can hear them, read that story, and then imagine in your mind's eye a Jonah Hill, a Brad Pitt, an old guy in a back room. Yeah, not a couch scout. Couch scout. Audible members get a credit every month good for any audiobook

in their store regardless of price and unused credits roll over to the next month. Didn't like your audiobook? You can exchange it. No questions asked. Start a 30-day trial and your first audiobook is free. Go to audible.com slash spy or text spy to 500-500 to get started. Audible, listen up.

Welcome. Thank you. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me. Power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this?

That's Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go? They came out of the floor? And down from the ceiling? That can't be safe. I'm upset. Can we go now? Soon.

Jordan, Jesse, go. A real podcast. Beloved Maximum Fun Star Trek podcast, The Greatest Generation is going out on tour. We are bringing Greatest Gen Con to a bunch of cities in the U.S. and Canada. It's our big tribute to slash send up of Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. And we have a big leg coming up. Yes, we are raising our legs on a number of cities in the coming weeks.

We're going to Washington, D.C. on August 23rd. The Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on August 24th. Mass Mocha in North Adams, Massachusetts on August 25th. Pittsburgh on the 28th. Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater on the 29th. Atlanta, Georgia at the Earl on the 30th. Ferndale, Michigan at the Magic Bag on the 31st. Those are some great big rooms and some great big cities, Ben.

And it's a really fun show. It's accessible even if you haven't listened to the 31st. Those are some great big rooms and some great big cities, Ben. And it's a really fun show. It's accessible even if you haven't listened to the podcast yet. We can't wait to see you when we're out on tour. Check greatestgencon.com for dates and ticketing information. And con is spelled K-H-A-N

because Wrath of Khan. Greatestgen. K-H-A-N. .com Overheard. All right. So everybody got their overheard. H-A-N dot com. Overheard. All right. Has everybody got their overheards?

Just a second. All right. Oh, Jesus. Let's fast forward a bit. Cool. You know, fast forward all the way to the end. All right. Oh, I hate this. Yeah, it's very bad. Yeah.

Oh, he goes swimming in water. How original. Or swimming in the sea. Swimming in the sea. It's like swimming. Please hold her lyrics. Unbelievable. Good, good though.

Jeez, great. That's what I mean. Like I'm gobsmacked. Good, good though. Jeez, great. That's what I mean. Like I'm gobsmacked. My jaw is open. I only, I can only find fault with the ad-libbing. Scorn, scorn. All right. Overheard's a segment which maybe you'll hear a thing out there.

Maybe you'll see a thing, but you you'll see a thing but you can't keep it to yourself this is the place to drop it and uh caitlin we always like to start with the guest thanks thanks guys yeah thank you oh thanks so uh this past weekend was pride here in vancouver and i overheard a guy did you go i did not go i was working but i am a but you love parades i love parades i love hundreds of thousands of people in the same area i love midday sun oh i love that yeah i love that uh i love how infrequently i have to pee that's nice so things are yeah so yeah i didn't go um So I was at the show. It was on Sunday night.

And there was a guy in the alley. And I heard him say, he was talking to his buddy on the phone. And he said, yo, man, we were like the gayest straight guys there today. And then he said, you know what? Kissing you wasn't even weird, and that was the overheard. I don't want to unpack it. I want to leave it as is.

Yeah. That's what I heard. Thought it was interesting. Don't know how to riff on it. No, but you're right. There's something there to unpack. Yeah. Let those two fellows unpack.

I mean, the amount of pride he's taking in being the gayest straight. Yes. I mean, that's a type of pride. He, and this is the same guy who had just offered the Sunday service, a bunch of Xanax.

So he was really, he was in a space. Let me tell you. Yeah. Yeah. He was in the alley while we were warming up, offering us half a tab of Xanax. And we said,

no, thank you. And the seven of you. Yeah. No, thank you. And please stop bullying us boy.

Please go away. Was he bullying you to take the Xanax? Yeah, he was kind of like peer pressuring the guys to take a Xanax. And they kind of wanted to a little bit. Mostly it was like please stop talking to us. Please go away. And then later the guys were like he's still out there so I went to go check on him.

He wasn't a guy going to the show? No, no, no, no. And it's funny because we had a plan. Aaron Reid had a plan that if he asked what we were doing at the Fox, we were just going to say we were painters. We said we're just painting the floor. Oh, yeah. We weren't going to tell him we do a comedy show.

Not a chance. I don't want that guy. Sunday night. And so we had this backup plan. Aaron was like, I was going to tell him that we were painters. And I was like, that's a great, great thing. We didn't need to promo our show. We didn't want him coming.

No, we're indoor painters. Indoor painters. We're painting ourselves into a corner, but we do not need rescuing from it. And we are fine. And it is toxic in there, so don't come in. And it's a Sunday night painting as well. Yeah, it's a long weekend painting job. And your improviser, so if he goes, what's the name of the company? You say, paint. Shit. It's a long weekend painting job. And you're your improviser. So if he goes, what's the name of the company?

You say paint. Shit. It's called a paint. Paint. You're a very bad improviser. So if he asked the name of the company, you'd be like, we're not a paint company. I never said that. You're wrong.

And I'm a doctor. Bang. You're dead. Bye. Scene. Doctor shoot gun. Bang. You're dead. And. Scene. Doctor shoot gun. Bang.

You're dead. And you're dead forever. Don't wake up. Don't you wake up. Commit. Commit. Anyways, I run a comedy school called Blind Tiger Comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come take classes from me. Dave, you're over here. No. It just occurred to me I don't have an overheard. But what I do have is a daughter who says cute things. So Margo has stuffed animals and dolls and a lot of them have names. They came with names. A Peppa doll is just Peppa. But if it doesn't have a name

and we ask her what the name of this doll is, she'll come up with a name. And I think there's only three at the moment. One is this, I think it's a unicorn, that she has named Valentina Lily after two of her friends. Okay. One, I think this was the first thing that anyone ever asked her to name. Abby was like, well, you can name this doll anything.

What do you want to name it? Rebecca or, and she's like, yeah, Baneca. This is before she could do all the letters, but it's still Baneca the doll. Yeah.

The name is stuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Baneca sounds like a name. Baneca. And I only only this only occurred to me because she was playing with this toy dinosaur the t-rex that uh to bring up this topic

uh because she was playing this t-rex that she is named bad ronald bad ronald good name for a dinosaur. That's great. Yeah. And then I Googled it, and apparently Bad Ronald is like a made-for-TV movie from the 80s. And it's a boy? Yeah. He's a bad boy? I don't know exactly. Not a dinosaur.

Dabney Coleman's in it. Really? Yeah. Dabney? Yeah. That sounds like another made-up name by Marvel. That's a real boneca. This is my baby girl, Dabney Coleman. This one's Dab. That's a real Vaneka. This is my baby girl Dabney. This one's Dabney.

This one's, yeah. This is Randy. Dabney? Okay, I guess he's Dabney now. I wonder what this bad Ronald's about. I mean, he's like a bloodthirsty dinosaur. Oh, yeah. No mercy.

Oh, boy. He's a carn, yeah. Yeah. No mercy. Oh, boy. He's not a, he's a carnivore. Yeah. Although we don't know that, we don't know that they had no mercy. What, dinosaur?

Yeah, we never saw them in their no mercy t-shirts. Yeah, that's true. We never got, well, because those didn't preserve as well. And also,

I'm thinking of No Fear. I was gonna make that joke next, but we did see them in some no fear tank tops there was uh yeah well it's basically the same joke because one of these doesn't exist yeah well that's why i was a little bit slow on the update no mercy would be a good

name for yeah for me and for me and sure yeah mean brand yeah bad ronald's on the back of a truck yeah no mercy no mercy but, dinosaurs had no mercy. But it's just Uncle Jesse. No mercy. Remember he used to say have mercy this time? Yeah. For Aunt Becky.

That would be a good, yeah, like good He dated around too. He dated around but their marriage was beautiful. That was a great example of like them just

both working, doing their best, being from different sides of the trap. And they had two kids, twins. Yes, Alex and Nikki. And it's great that they were able to, during the course of Full House, figure out how to get around the labor laws,

that you could just have two kids play two kids. Yeah, that's right. You know what I was amazed by? That the whole time they didn't even realize that there was an upstairs apartment of the Full House. It was never that full until Uncle upstairs apartment of the full house. Yeah. It was never that full until Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky moved in. Then it was a full house.

But before there was like a lot not being used. But it wasn't really an apartment. It was just a bedroom. They didn't have their own kitchen. They made it work. They did make it work. But everybody had to share the same kitchen. And that to me would have been rough stuff.

Well, except one guy's really tidy. Yeah. That's how you figure out Why it was a little too tidy You know what I mean Okay Come on You know like if I'm making a sauce And it's sputtering everywhere

Is he hovering Yes Of course he's hovering Yes and he's spraying Windex Into your sauce That's how he's cleaning That's how he poisoned everyone That's how the show ended right

Yeah Yeah But they brought it back as ghosts I guess for this Netflix thing Ghost house Ghost house That's how he poisoned everyone. That's how the show ended, right? Yeah. Yeah. But they brought it back as Ghosts, I guess, for this Netflix thing. Ghost House. Ghost House. Now that's a show. Oh, boy.

My overheard is courtesy of a very sun-baked person who had been day drinking on Sunday. Was this a friend of yours? No, no. uh on sunday and was this a friend of yours uh no no this is uh this is just uh somebody that had been drinking i guess like when does the parade start noon 11 yeah so let's say they they pre-drank let's say they started at nine and say this is about seven o'clock so the good thing about drinking in the day on a really hot day is there's no consequences. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no consequences and everybody loves it and everybody loves being around it.

And you feel so good the next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you feel strong. Oh, you feel so strong. It's because you defeated the day. Yeah. Yeah. And you finally took a day for yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. You got the shit out of that day. So this woman was talking to everybody on the bus i mean not reciprocal talking just talking at everybody talking at everybody and then somebody gave her enough of a of a you know oh yeah and then she focused in on that person and uh every other building as we drove along on the bus,

she would point out and she'd say, see that building? I built that building. Oh! No! Yeah. That's great.

I like her. Yeah, she was great. That's funny. She was, I was like, and also I felt like when I got off the bus, I was like,

this lady doesn't know where she's going. She's going to keep riding this bus until it just loops back around. All about confidence. All about confidence. Do you ever get on a bus and they change the route of it without really making much of an announcement? And you're like, oh, surely surely everyone's gonna get mad and get off oh they're all okay with this yeah there was a bus that i was you know sometimes uh two of the same bus are very close together and the bus driver like was just talking to himself he said

well that guy just kept going up king's way that's not the route at all he called him out yeah he said well first day i guess i would love to be on a bus out. Yeah. He said, well, first day, I guess. I would love to be on a bus where you're like, it's the bus driver's first day and he's gone rogue. Yeah. And he's like, I've actually, I've been meaning to implement my own route for a while now. Yeah, exactly. I've been testing one. Yeah.

Yeah, I have a feeling this, if I go through this back alley, that I can shave some minutes off this route. I'm going north. Yeah. I can definitely shave some minutes off this trip because nobody will be waiting. No one will be getting on the bus. I won't have to stop for anyone. Just do my own lap. Yeah.

They never said anything about having to stay on the road. Or maybe they did. Maybe that was the first thing they said. There's nothing in the rule book that says a dog can't drive the bus. Well, also, maybe they're upset because there are no new roots. You know, it's all just the same old, same old. Yeah, same old, not wearing new under the sun. Yeah, give me some new roots.

Let's change things up. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And give me some new roots music. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, but don't give me some more roots up here on the top of my head.

These grays are strong. Can I get that again? But don't give me more roots on the top of this head because these grays are strong. These grays are strong. That was pretty good. Thank you. Did you want it one more time, Dave?

Well, you just have some fun with it. Throw it away. I'm not your monkey. I'm your guest. But don't give me roots on the top of my head. These grays are too strong. That's the one we're going to use. No, let's use the first one.

Let's edit a couple. When she said it naturally, but wrong. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people all over the place. All over the place. If you want to be like one of those people, all you got to do, send it to us. SPY at MaximumFun.org. This first one. Sorry, this is one of my favorite parts when I listen to the podcast.

I love hearing the overheards of everyone else. I'm very excited. It's fun. Yeah, I love it. This should just be the whole show. Yeah. Okay. We really cut down on time.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, a lot of expenses. Yeah. Me. I was taking my dog for a walk. This is from Carolina from Austin, Texas. I was taking my dog for a walk, and I passed by these three seven- or eight-year-old boys.

One is riding a bike back and forth. One is bouncing a basketball. They all seem grouchy. I look down at the sidewalk, and a blue chalk is scrawled, Minecraft rules. Fuck this shit. So that's some kids who are like, you got to go outside. Yeah.

Go outside. It's a nice day. And I'm like, you know what? You know what? Minecraft. Go outside. Play with some of that sidewalk chalk. Yeah.

Okay. I'll show you my emotions. If you had to play, if you had to to make a If someone gave you some chalk Could you make a hopscotch right now? Yes And know how to play it? No Oh no I don't know

I've never known how to play it I know how to do it as I walk by it What about four square? Yeah I don't know that I know the rules of that either That one was fun What were the rules? You had to bounce There was a ball and you could bounce it

You wanted to bounce it In someone else's square Yeah And not your own And have them not be able To return it Oh I I mean ultimately

Yeah The points would go on For a little while Huh Cause I know they had them On the ground When I was a kid They had them painted

And when you Like lost a point You would spell out a word Might have been bitch. I mean, that's fun. Every time you didn't return it, you got a letter. And I think it might have been bitch. And it's like one of those words that kids glom onto very quickly

when they find out that it has a legitimate use and that technically they're technically allowed to use it female dog female dog guys there's also something exciting about

slowly spelling a swear you know that it's like just B-I-T oh you're oh you're I know what's coming

it's coming it's coming it's coming B-I-T-C bitcoin oh you wish you're almost a bitch. This next one comes from Augur in Edmonton, Alberta.

Boilers. Huh? Boilers? Yeah, goilers. Goilers. Goilers. Your husband's from Edmonton, right? Goilers.

Is that all he says? Mm. Go, right? Goilers. Is that all he says? Goilers. Goilers. Here's something I overheard my two sons saying the other day. We were driving home and my eight-year-old son was lecturing my six-year-old on the eating habits of tiger sharks. Eight-year-old, tiger sharks will eat anything, even a goat. Six-year-old, oh yeah? What about an elephant? Eight-year-old, yeah, of course. Six-year-old, oh yeah? What about an elephant?

Eight-year-old, yeah, of course. Six-year-old, what about another tiger shark? And then replying to his own question, he says, well, they'll probably just end up kissing. Yeah, because they're going to try to eat each other's mouths. Yeah, you go mouth to mouth and you're like, wait, what is this? This is fine. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say his name.

He wrote at the end there, SB in Edmonton, Alberta. Okay, do we bleep it? Yeah, I guess bleep it. Okay. With this noise. Hmm. Ah-hoo-ga. So, people who heard that happen a minute ago, now you know why.

Time travel. Yeah. That's interesting. And the final one comes from Kayla H. in Ames. Ames, Iowa? A-M-E-S. I think so. I'm leading a summer camp program at a university for high school girls.

We were all sitting in the dining hall for breakfast when I heard a girl across the room shout while clapping with each word for emphasis. A live action Rugrats movie is not okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Fair enough. I don't want to see it. I know. That was something I just missed that was huge.

I was, I guess guess a couple years too old yeah but like it's the kind of thing that like buzzfeed was built on like there are some buzzfeed articles where i'm like yes i am a child of that of that decade but yeah uh i get everything except the rugrats part the uh yeah like i mean i don't know doing a live action of a cartoon is always like we all saw scooby-doo right we're all in the midst of riverdale and we love it man we all love it you know i i've never auditioned for that show no i'm just too old and too old You could be someone's grandma. And that's when I'm just too soft. Yeah. The grandmas on Riverdale are tight.

That's right. Yeah. They're fit and tight. That's all it says on the description. Tight baba. Tight. Tight baba. Maybe.

Fit nana. So you're 35 now you like if you work out hard until you're 40 you could like be a 40 year old

tight Riverdale grandma yeah such a tight nanna tight nanna guys yeah one can dream yeah

guys in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us the number is and I think I have it memorized, 1-844-7-7. He's singing. He's just started singing.

844-77-7? No. 779. 779-7631? No. 779. 779-7631? Yeah. There it is. That's 1-844-779-7631. Why do you know now?

I just know that part. Why don't either of you know this? I don't know. It's hilarious. You've been 544 of these. No, we changed it like two years ago. Oh, okay. So only 100 of these. No, we changed it like two years ago. Oh, okay. So only 100 of these.

Okay. Okay. Or one. Ugh, SpyPod 1, like these people have. This is actually my favorite part. The calls? None of our voices. Not your voices, just the calls.

Hi, Dave and Graham. It's Michael here from England in Cucham uh here's an overheard for you i just walked upstairs to the kitchen to refresh my glass of wine and my lovely lady melissa was there on the phone and as i came into the kitchen i overheard her saying, I don't think genocide is a good thing ever. Anyway. Hard stance. Yeah. Hard stance. Well, I like to pick and choose.

Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, some sort of, like, mosquito genocide? I think we'd all be for that. Uh-huh. How about a horsefly genocide? Yeah, or a horse genocide, right?

Yeah. Too far? Yeah, expensive meat. Or a genocide where you killed everybody's genes. There you go. Like right? Yeah. Too far? Yeah, expensive meat. Or genocide, where you killed everybody's genes. There you go. Like denim. Yeah, khaki only. Yeah.

I don't know who Melissa was talking to, where someone was like, I think it's a good idea. And she had to be like, I don't. Here are my top 10 genocides. I'm going to cut you off right there. I don't think any of them are okay. Yeah. My top 10 genocides. I'm going to cut you off right there.

I don't think any of them are okay. Yeah. Also, that accent. Could have bathed in that accent. Oh, my God. Isn't that beautiful? Yeah. From Gorsham.

Gorsham? Gorsham. Frank Gorsham? Frank Gorsham. Next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and Gus. Oh, that accent. I was calling from Vancouver. I was walking down the street, and I overheard two women right next to me having a conversation.

One of them gestured to a bar on the corner and said to the other, I know this place. This is where we went for my birthday. It's where you were nervously having a beer with me before my Matt Damon explosion. My Matt Damon explosion? Yeah. What? Wow. Wow.

I mean, that's something they chose. The planetarium, the Matt Damon explosion. I mean, laser Matt Damon explosion. What do you think a Matt Damon explosion is? Like an alt band. Cool. Oh, cool. That'd be awesome. Something aaitlin howden would have put on yeah red in the red furnace room oh give me a young matt damon give me an old devin sawa you know what i mean that kind of guy matt damon did not do well in the past few years you know yeah

he really he see he fumbled the ball maybe he just needs to just not do interviews maybe that's not his strong suit sometimes you have to just go away for a just needs to just not do interviews. Maybe that's not his strong suit. Sometimes you have to just go away for a little bit. Yeah, maybe don't do interviews, but do, just do movies where you're like an old Chinese warrior. Yes, absolutely. Just stick to the zoo, Matt. A white guy in an old Chinese war.

Yeah, yeah. Stick to the zoo, buddy. There's kind of this. He bought a zoo. No, we bought a zoo. You? You were there? That's where I'm getting all the lavender from. Cool this he bought a zoo no we bought a zoo you you were there that's where i'm getting all the lavender from cool we bought a zoo why is there so much lavender goats love lavender goats love lavender this is a zoo that has goats mostly goats is it a petting zoo no they hate to be touched not touch the goats the goats. They bite hard. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That's true. Weird thing, petting shoes. I'm trying to think of a Matt Damon experience. Do you really think it's a band? No. Oh. I think it's parting your hair in the middle.

A butt cut? Yeah. That McDonald's sign. Haircut. Yeah. I think it's about going up to a table and slamming down a number. Yeah. Yeah. And doing down a number. Yeah. Yeah, and doing an apple analogy.

How do you like these crab apples? Ah, they've got fungus. Oh, boy. Oh, they're sick. I made a brown Betty out of them. Oh, brown Betty. Final overhead. Hi, Dave and Graham and wonderful guests.

It's Elizabeth in Portland. I'm calling with an overseen. I'm driving home from the gym, and I just passed two wonderful sights. The first was a fat little dog scraping his butt on the sidewalk. Really good. And the second was a bald man with a handlebar mustache chopping a watermelon in half with a machete. Yes.

Portland for life. That's great. Yeah. Yeah. Never used a machete. Hope to. How do you pronounce it? Machete.

Thank you. Sorry. I didn't know you were talking about it. It is hard to cut a watermelon If you've ever done it With a regular knife There's a struggle Yeah yeah yeah

So What do you mean One fell swoop I'm saying if you ever Like a knife It gets stuck in the watermelon Sometimes And then you can't get it out

Oh really Have you ever cut a whole watermelon Or do you just buy them pre-cut Because you lead a privileged life I've cut a watermelon Okay Doesn't sound like you have. Have you ever sharpened a knife?

No, I have very dull knives. Maybe. Yeah. Me too. You do too? Yeah, scared of, don't know what to do to sharpen them. I have no idea. Me neither.

No, me neither. But they end up sharpened somehow. Like, our knife block came with a sharpening thing with like a stick like a sharpening stick yeah yeah a stick that's got like what do you what would you go it's got like a wooden handle on it you know but an alcorn handle stone is it like a stone thing uh it's it's metal but it's got like a texture to it yeah and then you're supposed to my dad would do and i don't know if that's doing anything, but and also like I immediately

wash the knife because I'm like, there's probably little bits of metal on this. Metal for sure. And then I cut and it works well and then it doesn't work well for the next seven months and you do it again and it works well twice. I should have brought my knives

over. Also like you sometimes see in a mall at knife sharpening, like a place that says we do knife sharpening. I'm like, how do you, I don't know how you transport a knife, except for when you move and you put all your kitchen things in one box. You don't wrap it up in a towel? Or like in those knife rolls that all the top chef guys have. That's true. I don't have one of those. I don't have one of those.

I don't have a knife roll. So you would just go in with handfuls of knives. Yeah. I'll point them towards myself for safety. I'm not attacking anyone. Oh, yeah. You have to make that very clear. They're very dull.

They're very dull. They won't be in a second though. Soon they'll be very sharp, I hope. The gym is that way. Ow! Oh, it'll scratch my eye. Which way do things engrave? Well, that brings us to the end of the show here.

Caitlin, thank you very much for being our guest. Dave, I gotta say, as a fan of the podcast, I love being a guest, but I mostly like just listening to it. Well, it's very nice to have you as a guest. Thank you for bringing fresh lavender. You're very welcome. Thanks for having me, guys. What would you like to plug? What do you got coming up?

What's in the hopper? Going out to my cottage next week. So no. Nice. The Sunday Service does a show at the Fox Cabaret here in Vancouver every Sunday night at 9 p.m. I run and teach a comedy school called Blind Tiger Comedy where you can learn improv and sketch classes. So blindtigercomedy.ca. And other than that, I hope you have a nice day.

Yeah. That's very nice. That is very nice. I've been putting coconut oil in my belly button. I encourage it for all. I'll save that for the day. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That is very nice. I've been putting a coconut oil in my belly button. I encourage it for all. I'll save that for the next time I'm back. Oh, man. Next week's guest.

Yeah. Caitlin Hatton. A real cliffhanger. Oh, I like that. Google it. Okay. Yeah. We will be touring hither and thither.

Yeah. In about a month's time. We will be in Toronto for JFL 42. We hope you've cooled off by then. Uh-huh. Oh, you better have cooled off, you wet, sweaty city. Yeah. Then we'll be in Winnipeg on the 25th.

Then there's a Vancouver date that hasn't been announced yet on the 28th. It's not going to be a conventional show. It's going to be something funky. It's going to be something funky. That's exciting. Yep. And then we're doing Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon in October. Tickets for all these shows is available at stoppodcastingyourself.com.

Yeah. Just look at this episode and it'll have links to all the tickets. And if you like the show please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.