Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 547 - Andy Haynes

Episode Date: September 10, 2018

Comedian Andy Haynes returns to talk ringette, the fair, and the aquarium.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 547 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is qualified to be a representative of the LBC, Mr. Dave Shumka. To represent the LBC. No, to represent, sorry. To be a representative of the LBC.

No, to represent, sorry. To be a representative of. Yeah, no, I remember as our guest riffed before the show, a lawyer that only represents the Long Beach, California. Is that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Community, Crips, whatever. Yeah.

All those things. Yeah. Community, Crips, community of Crips. But it'd also be nice if he did kind of like, you know, he was ambitious and he also became a representative for the LBC in the state congress. That voice you're hearing is our guest today. Very funny comedian, Andy Haynes. Thank you for joining us. Hi.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I'm running unopposed. For the LBC LBC you better believe it should we get to know us? y'all

get to know us Andy since you were last here since you were last we're to stop? I was trying to think of what the next line is. I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on.

Yeah. Is that the one where she trashes an apartment in the video? Yes. I get what I want. What a voice. What a voice. Is that Kelly Clarkson? Oh, for a second I Is that? Kelly Clarkson. Oh. Yeah.

For a second, I almost said Avril. No. Avril wishes she could sing like that. Pipes. Didn't Kelly Clarkson get called out recently or something? I mean. That was Kellyanne Conway. Oh.

Yeah. I always get them mixed up. Yeah. That's always. Sorry. Oops. That's you in a political conversation that fucking kelly clarkson god white nationalist kelly clarkson boy she's just she's so good at

her job though um uh no it's hard to like remember who's been called out for what it happened i feel like somebody like me like made fun of her for being overweight or something like that like but it was like somebody who shouldn't have like obviously nobody should right it was like a trump person being okay you know i'd like you know good singer but i'd like it if she looked nicer or something like that and it was like jesus christ if you only if any if they were only that nice about their insides. But if it was like, what if it wasn't a Trump person? What if it was like Tom Hanks?

Yeah, Kelly Clarkson's great, but I don't know. I'd like it if she looked better. Tom! Tom. That's somebody who's like never done anything bad. As far as we know. Yeah. Yeah.

Has he? No. no oh don't look at me i'm not the the judge i don't represent the thc you only represent tom hanks california tom hanks california tom hanks crips now you since the last time you were here you uh you relocated you were in los angeles last time you were here yes and relocated. You were in Los Angeles the last time you were here. Yes. And now New York City. I live in the Big Apple, you guys. And you were telling us before the show you had a list of ways that the two cities are different.

Yeah. But not much. Short list. Yeah, you know, my apartment's so small right right yeah how small is it yeah the other day i went to take a deep breath in and my neighbor complained that's pretty small i know yeah because i was pushing against them uh no i uh yeah i moved to new york city uh on a complete whim really, you were there visiting and then? I didn't not, I left.

Like, I went for New Year's, the last one, the 27 to 2018 one. You guys remember that one, right? Absolutely. What day was that? Like, December or something. End of December. But my friend, I had given up my place in LA because I had like a disagreement

with a roommate and I was just like going to do some road. I had to go take care of my mom. She was getting a surgery. And then I was in New York for New Year's staying with a friend

and this room in his apartment was empty. And I was like, what's happening with this room? He's like, yeah, we're just looking for a tenant. I was like, how much is it? He's like $600 empty and i was like what's happening with this room he's like yeah we're just looking for a tenant i was like how much is it he's like six hundred dollars i was i'll move into that room and then that was it oh just like that and i mean new year's eve in new york i know that's that's where it's all happening see i like this is what it's going to be like

every yeah i'd lived in new york before but then i was like, I kind of forgot. And in my mind, I was like, every day, ball drops. Every day, glasses of the year. That's how they start every day in New York, is they drop the ball. Everybody cheers, and then they go about their business. That's how we wake up, every morning. It would be great if you had to wear those glasses every day of that year. And January 1st, new glasses. And it was just because one representative, not from the LBC,

was afraid that a time traveler was going to come and not be able to know what year it was. And so he's like, we should just all wear these. Yeah, I mean, it's just a common courtesy. Yeah. We assume that time travel will eventually become possible and we want to be ready. I mean, if it ever does, it already has. You know what I mean, man? Oh, yeah. Whoa.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. Oh, wow. I'm going to go. I need to go make some amends. If you could time travel only once, where do you go? Once there and back. You're allowed to go forward, backwards, there and back. Where do you go? Once, there and back. You're allowed to go forward, backwards, there

and back. Where do you go? Is it for fun or is this for... This is however you want it to be. You don't have to change history. You could just go back and just find it. Did we have a segment that was called this? Yeah, that's right. I don't remember what it was about. Did it have a theme song?

I don't remember what it was about. Did it have a theme song? I'm going back in time. Yay! Whoa, that's cool. Yeah. I was thinking about this as a sketch because I think that most people now, the thing that everybody says they do

is go back and kill Hitler. Right. But I feel like now people now, like the, the, the thing that everybody says they do is go back and kill Hitler. Right. But I feel like now people would just be like, I want to go see Nirvana live. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Or they'd be like,

I want to see MJ play at North Carolina or, you know, just something super selfish. Michael Jackson? Do the show in Durham? Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's where you have to see him. Yeah. The acoustics in that stadium. Oh, my God. And Michael Jordan was there. Oh, yeah. But I think I would probably go back. I'd probably go back, like, to before, like, the country was, like, I'd want to go back to like primitive times

Oh okay, like back to cave Before the country was you know Well I guess primitive times Like caveman times? I thought you were going to say like the Obama administration You know what would be fun? Actually here's what I want to do I want to go back to right before like

whoever discovered like part of America like right before and then i'm there on the beach and you know the guy's name and everything that you're like hey welcome to plymouth rock hey yeah i've been waiting for you guys steve and he's like do i know him and i'm like oh what this is crazy This is where we were supposed to be. I sold you your buckle hat. Yeah. Buckle hat.

We got to talk about those buckle hats. Because were hats just flying off? I guess it was windier back then. Was it to tighten against your head? I assumed. I've only seen it in costume and assumed it was just an adornment. Yeah. But no, I think it was it was you know because they didn't

have elastic they didn't uh what did they what did they fling again what do they what do they use to keep asparagus together sheep intestine yeah yeah um yeah why did i don't know buckles were they were cool maybe they were just the look it's a big, my daughter goes to a Montessori preschool and there's like a buckle station. Very cool. There's a lot of like washing a chair. Wiping things down. Yeah. With the kids?

Yeah. The kids like learn, you know, they'll learn numbers and letters. Hotel cleaning. Yeah. But then it's like practical those swans out of hotel there's like but a station that's got buckles and snaps and zippers okay all right that makes sense you know because you know how are you gonna learn kids love textile or tactile things yeah they love textiles we find out that d Dave's sending his kids to just a place that makes textiles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go to, she goes to loom camp. Oh, very cool. That's, but they're also teaching her to clean stuff? I don't know. I guess so. Yeah. I know that's a big, there's like a lot of like water transferring happening in Montessori.

Like move this bucket of water from there. Yeah. Pour some water into this container. Bring it over here. Dip this into it. Wipe this down. Sure. In case they ever get into like a golden child type situation where they have to keep the

glass and walk on the pillars and not spill a drop. I think that's basically what that is. Yeah. What would happen if they spilled a drop? End of the world? No, just like one of the things would fall, right? Was that an Eddie Murphy movie? Yes.

Okay. What's the other one that was about a little child that was like a Martin Scorsese movie? Condun. Condun. No, I think it's... Empire of the Sun. Last Emperor. Oh, The Last Emperor.

That was another good one. I was so confused by that movie because I think the first time I saw it, I was like eight, and he breastfeeds in it. Is it? Yeah. Spielberg?

Yeah. Is it? Who does? He breastfeeds? The baby, or the young emperor. He breastfeeds in it as an eight-year-old. Well, when you're the emperor, you get to call the it as an eight-year-old. Well, when you're the emperor, you get to call the shots.

Yeah, you're like, Mom, pull out those tits. And also, bring your friend. Who's your friend? Mom, pull out those tits. I'm sorry. No, please. Tell everybody. I apologize. So you moved to new york and what else what else is new in the in the year since we last saw you um well i i am doing a lot more stand-up that

was kind of because i was in la and i just wanted to get a job and i was like just like i think that's a very once you go to la and things don't just happen, you kind of go like, okay, whatever you got, give it to me. And I did that for a couple of years. And then I was like, this is dumb. Like, I don't have any like thesis statement. There's no like intention. I'm just trying to survive. And so going back to New York and just doing stand-up for the sake of stand-up, I was like, this has kind of always been my thing. Nobody's ever been like the acting that Andy Haynes did in that commercial was so superb. We got to get him. Well, commercial would do it. Did you say superb?

Yes, it was a mistake. And I said it, and then I was like, please don't notice it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like superb. Superb. Yeah, superb. That's pretty good. Like I'm a super

yeah yeah like you're in charge of the other perverts but um hey Kal-El whip out those titties yeah

come on oh wait is that Superman already yeah hey Jor-El there you go that is dead this is mom

wait is this Game of Thrones or Superman Superman's parents are Kal and Jor noEl. There you go. That is dad. This is mom. Wait, is this Game of Thrones or Superman? Superman's parents are Cal and Jor? No, he's Cal-El, I think. He's Cal-El and I think his dad is Jor-El. And his mom is Rebecca. Cynthia. Super normal.

And then now I, just to get off this. It's so boring. Superb, man. I write at Bleacher Report now. I got a job. Oh, cool. What do you write? I'm writing a cartoon about soccer.

Oh, really? Yeah, you love soccer. I love soccer. I was watching soccer before this. How did you like the World Cup? I loved it. It was great. Who were you rooting

for i was rooting for mexico that's kind of my go-to team okay because i hate the american soccer team why what did they do to you and they weren't even in it though yeah that was an easy part that was actually what kind of made it so great was i didn't have to do that thing where i kind of like am the the bad guy every time i yeah's like, where are the US's playing? And I'm like, yeah. It's kind of a weird, it's not that weird. It's just, I think we play boring soccer and it's like just this weird,

in America to stay competitive in soccer, you have to like play at this very elite level, which is very like money driven and like suburban kind of elitism and then they play a boring kind of soccer and soccer is not the uh the rich suburban people's sport it is the poor people's sport and it's also like um like america would be great the second america like embraces the hood like like the like the people playing soccer on the streets yeah then i will like american soccer but as long as it's like kids named connor whose parents dropped them off in a

chevy tahoe i don't like that seems like uh it's uh gonna be a heck of a comic yeah yeah so it's a it's a class struggle and uh it's like no it's a it's a it's a cartoon it's like I got animators oh like a like an actual wow yeah yeah that's amazing and it's going to air

on the side of caution Bleacher yeah it's going to air on the Bleacher Report TV show which precedes

the Champions League which is actually hosted by Canadian royalty Steve Steve Nash. Oh, right. Yeah. There you go. He hosts American broadcast of European soccer.

Yes. We bought the rights. The Bleacher Report slash Turner bought the rights to the Champions League. You guys get it on TSN or something? Sure. Or BN or something? I'm not sure I rights to the Champions League. It is, you guys get it on TSN or something? Sure. Or BN or something? I'm not sure I know what the Champions League is. Do they take the best teams from every league?

The four best teams from every. European League? Yeah. And I think like Israel and some of the Russian states could slide in there because they kind of are no man's land. Or they're technically Europe, you know, and Israel just can't compete in the Arab countries because

they're playing. What's going on there? What? It's some interesting stuff. Okay. All right. But it'd be like if

the NFL and the CFL were like kind of equally competitive and then Mexico had a national football team and then the four best teams competed concurrently

with the regular season? Yeah. Oh, wow. Like, anytime I play a soccer video game, I'm always like, and I do a season, I'm like, what am I, what's, who, what's at stake here? Like, when is the season over? And like, we're in the playoffs over here. You have to know, you have to have stakes.

I love that. I need to know why I'm playing. Is this an exhibition game? Yeah. If so, can I simulate it? Yeah, exactly. I love a simulation. Have you ever simulated a whole season?

Of like FIFA? Yeah. It never goes well. I'm going to go ahead and say I haven't. I feel like the computer starts to get mad at you. Yeah. It's like, okay, come on. Change your guise. I feel like the computer starts to get mad at you. Yeah. It's like, okay, come on.

Change your guise. I was watching the news last night, and Usain Bolt is playing. Australia. Yeah, and at the first game he was at, they said the attendance was 5,000 people, and their usual attendance is 300. What? Yeah. So he's playing in an Australian league? Not even, I don. Oh, what? Yeah. So he's playing in an Australian league?

Not even, I don't think, their top league. He's playing for the Central Coast Mariners. Yeah, so he's really doing a Michael Jordan baseball. He's going to work his way up. Was he gambling on running and his dad got killed? Yeah, and now he's going to work his way up the leagues the leagues then quit then come back to running blow all our minds such a dark part of michael jordan's history that nobody talks about i think people talk about it do they yeah i'm kind of out of the basket you're more yeah you're more in the soccer world what's a what's a notable

scandal in the soccer oh boy do we have those uh well uh cutter paid uh fifa so that they could have the world cup i don't know what that means yeah but cutter the country okay we say qatar oh qatar but i think now it's cutter cutter uh they paid fifa to win the draw oh and uh it was like never should have it's the summer there, it's 125 degrees. So it's the first time a World Cup is not going to be in the summer. Right. And then the whole time that they were getting ready for it, people would be like, hey, you know,

like 300 basically slaves are dying a day to make these stadiums. Right. And everybody would be like, yeah, but, you know. Soccer. Soccer. Soccer. Catch the spirit. 300 Michael Jordan dads a day are dying.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. But also, I mean, there's one like, there's all the time, there's match fixing, there's like weird

purchases of players. A good one a couple years ago was I think Kareem Benzema had. I have that. Video. Yeah. You need Kareem Benzema peroxide. He had proof that one of his co-teammates was

like cheating on his wife and he tried to like bribe, like embezzle money or like, what do you call it? Blackmail him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was a fun one.

That's a fun one. Yeah. Yeah. That's a, that's like a real do you call it? Blackmail him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was a fun one. That's a fun one. Yeah. Yeah, that's like a real like, as it plays out in the press kind of scandal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's juicy. I saw a preview for a movie about a soccer player

who never played. Like this Brazilian guy who had a career for like years and would just get traded and couldn't actually play soccer and it was get traded and traded't actually play soccer and it was get traded and traded and that was the trailer yeah it's such a weird like he was in the league making tons of money always like oh i'm injured was it a documentary yeah okay i would be like yeah who plays this guy yeah no it's uh just like about to run out onto the pitch, and then they're like, ah, you're actually going to Dortmund. Bye.

Don't send me to Dortmund. Where is Dortmund? Germany. Is that a bad? No, they're good. Oh, they're good. See, you could tell me they're bad. I wouldn't, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they're bad, sometimes they're good. They don't win every game. No one can. Graham's going to look like an idiot when he tells all his friends that Dortmund's good. When we do fantasy soccer this year and he drafts all Dortmunds. The all Dortmunds. Oh, man.

You're going to feel so silly. Dortmund would be a good name for like a nerd in an 80s movie. Dortmund. Look at Dortmund. Oh, boy. Who invited Dortmund? Dortmund. Look at Dortmund.

Oh, boy. Who invited Dortmund? When I was in high school, a kid from my high school got drafted by some English team or maybe some German team for like $20 million. Jesus. Yeah. His last name was Hargraves. Oh, yeah. Owen?

Yeah. Owen Hargraves. Yeah. He played in England. England. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was just Owen Hargraves, yeah. He played in England. England, yeah, yeah. But he was just like a high school. Was he on the Canadian national team?

I think he maybe had English citizenship and played over there. Yeah, yeah. I remember because they made an announcement like, everybody please give a round of applause or something. Go give a blowjob to Owen. He's trying to get pregnant by this guy. He's the richest guy in the school all of a sudden. Oh, man. But yeah, apparently some other kid from Canada just got...

Yeah, from here. Well, he's not from here. He's from Brampton, Ontario, but he plays for Vancouver Whitecaps. Oh, okay. I think his name is... Davies. Davies, yeah. Anthony Davies. Alfonso Davies? Alfonso Dav Oh, okay. I think his name is... Davies. Davies, yeah.

Anthony Davies. Alphonso Davies? Alphonso Davies, yep. Nice. Anthony Alphonso Davies. Yeah, Anthony Alphonso. You know what? I get the Portuguese and the English.

There's so many teams and so many leagues and they all have so many players. Oh, man. Why can't they all just be named Dortmund? Yeah, exactly. Or Owen. Yeah. I went down a very weird, I was looking up,

so there's this Portuguese player from back in the day named Eusebio, and I was like, oh, where did he play and all this stuff? And then it was like he came to Toronto to play, and he played for Toronto Croatia was the name of the team. And I was like, what the fuck is this so i like looked up and there was like weird uh ontario-based ethnic teams like there was like the slovakians like you know like the london croats or whatever it was right and i just went down this horrible wikipedia thing where i ended up in, what's it called? Ringette? Yeah.

Ringette, yeah. Yeah, like I was going down league after league to association. You got traded to a ringette league. And then all of a sudden I was like, what the fuck is ringette? And then I was like watching YouTube videos of ringette, and I was like, I got to see a ringette game. I don't, aside from the ring, I don't know what the difference is between it and. No paddle.

It's just a straight stick. Yeah, just a stick. And you have to hold aside from the ring, I don't know what the difference is between it and. No paddle. It's just a straight stick. Yeah, just a stick. And you have to hold it through the ring. You can't carry it over any lines. I think you have to pass it over the line. Okay. And I don't think they play it anymore. No, I don't think they play it anymore.

There's like that one sad guy who's like, we're going to make it. Because women's hockey wasn't a thing for a long time. That's what it was. It was always like, they were like afraid women would have a paddle and just make it. Because women's hockey wasn't a thing for a long time. That's what it was. It was always like, they were like afraid women would have a paddle and just start voting. But it just feels like, why would you,

why wouldn't you call it ring-o instead? Like ring-et makes it sound like it's a very, like there was a male version of it. Oh, then they tried to like. Well, that's why the male version was ring-o. Ring-o.

Ring-o. My favorite beetle ringo because he wears so many rings on his fingers i would love it if somebody mispronounced that like you know john paul ringo um yeah i don't i don't think i've ever seen, I know that ringette existed, but I've never seen a clip of it. I've never seen any, like I, do they wear, is it like field hockey? Do they wear skirts? No, they mostly wore those hockey slacks.

Uh, like a little hole in the back of their helmet or the ponytail. A little, um, they had to wear a suit jacket over top of their pads. Yeah. They dress like Angus from ACDC. Yeah. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Very cool.

Yeah. That's weird that that guy. Did you say Angus or Angus? We're having trouble with hard G today. Anus, right? Yeah. Anus. Yeah.

Angus, I thought. Did it sound like angus i'm just i'm on ringo i'm still on ringo ringo superb ringo angus i gotta go to english class too we're all doing it yeah yeah yeah the uh i gotta go to english class it's Angus Young. Lesson one. Do you think that the fans would be mad if he was like, I'm just going to come out in just pants and a t-shirt for this next thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

He's like the mascot of the band in addition to being... He's also a client. Apparently, they're in Vancouver recording an album. Right now? Yeah, with Axl Rose. So if you're here and you see a man dressed like a schoolboy. They make him wear it even when they record. He's got to get in the zone. Oh, man.

Oh, the indignity. I wonder what they dress like. Do you think they dress like rockers? Or do you think that they like, because they're in their 60s, right? Sweat pants. Yeah, track pants. Yeah. Yeah. Just horrible.

Unbuttoned shirts. Yeah, just comfort. Like, whatever is the most comfortable thing you can picture. That's what they do. The lead singer wear the little, oh, the lead singer's not. Yeah, he's not with us anymore. No, he didn't die. Didn't he have to retire because he's got cancer or something?

Oh, I don't know why, but I think he's alive. Oh, okay. The cancer. Yeah, he's got the cancer. Yeah. Yeah. But he doesn't, I was going to ask if he wears that little hat, but. Oh, yeah.

I guess it's Axl Rose. What's he wearing? Bandanas. Does Axl Rose still have the fake, the extensions? He had extensions. They were awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like braids, right?

Yeah. Huh. I guess I didn't know those were extensions. Yeah. He had extensions. But did he also have a transplant?

Probably. Yeah, that makes sense. Or were the extensions just like braids? Because the braids went right to the front. Yeah. Were they to distract from distract from well extensions a lot of times like you just tie them right into the scalp right so i think he probably was having some hair issues i don't know enough about little

self-conscious i just know that that bandana creeped farther and farther up the head as the years went on so there's why you can just cover them you can always cover the your hairline with a big bandana yeah yeah but i mean i guess the bandana like the hairline just kept migrating and so the bandana had to had to increase in volume and uh yeah i didn't know he had extensions i guess i don't know much about axl rose i think he has like purposely not been in like he just does the concerts. I don't think he does press or anything like that, right? Yeah.

ACDC? Or for, well, because he also toured with, well, they just did a Guns N' Roses tour two years ago, right? I heard it was good. I went to one of the shows. Yeah, was it nice? Yeah, it was great. It was very long.

Really? Yeah, for a band that doesn't have that many albums it they played every single song you could possibly covers too like a lot of covers and several encores and yeah very sick but i always like when i went inside i know the one thing that i noticed was that axl would never go over where slash was He would like mingle with the rest of the band, but Slash... Slash stinks. He really does. They didn't do any back-to-backs? No.

No, him and Duff did a back-to-back and that was pretty satisfying. That's all you needed. All right, let's take this back-to-back to this side of the stage and they just keep... Like they'll do a back-to-back so everyone can see it.

Yeah, yeah, it was nice. Duff, join me over here for a back-to-back so everyone can see it yeah yeah it was nice join me over here for a back-to-back i wonder if they yeah like they're planning out the concert and they're like you know and then i'll say you know like yeah welcome to the jungle baby and then we'll do a back-to-back right here yeah yeah he's sketching it out yeah like if you're feeling it this would be a play. Yeah. Like a sports play, not like a theatrical play. Well, either way.

As long as they market tested it. What's the difference? Oh yeah. Good call. When it comes down to it, what's the difference between sports and theater? You know what I mean? Right.

And war. Yeah. Oh, same thing. Yeah. I mean, football. Yeah.

You're gaining land, you're conceding land. Yeah. That's what. Yeah, exactly. You're gaining land, you're conceding land. Yeah. That's what theater is all about. It's cool that you guys are doing a sports podcast now. It is, yeah. Who do you like this year in the big leagues? Man, probably, we're talking ringette.

Yeah, ringette. Probably the Oshawa Polish. Yeah, Oshawa Polish. Yeah. Probably the Kamloops, I can't even say. Kamloops Gals. Oh, boy. The Kamloops Gals.

Yeah. I forget what league they play in uh i think it's the i think technically they're in the prairies yeah that's right they're in the prairie league a lot of people think they're in the west coast now yeah they're in prairie ringette canada which which i'm well qualified to represent. I represent the PRC. Oh, boy. Dave, what's going on with you, man? What was the... My friends...

I didn't go to college in this UBC here. My friends... But apparently when they were in college, they started this thing called the PBCM, which was the Plas Vanier Compulsive Masturbators. And they didn't tell anyone what it stood for. And they put up signs for like PBCM elections happening. People would come and vote for which of them should be the head of the PBCM. That's pretty good.

Yeah. And did people did it? Yeah. Yeah. Ever like students were like, I care about student government yeah not knowing what it was or maybe some people knew what it was and they're like well you know they like i like the promises made by this guy martin is uh he's really coming well he's really coming um here's what's going on with me. I went to the fair. Oh, fun. Summertime.

Abbotsford? No, the Pacific National Exhibition. The PNP. Yeah. Where is it? It's in East Vancouver. Shit. Yeah.

Oh, I know where that is. It's where Hastings ends, right? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh, every year, two weeks. I mean, the playland is there all summer long. Yeah. It's, uh, every year, two weeks. I mean, the, the, the play land is there all summer long. Yeah. Uh, I, I, I take care of the kids on Tuesdays when Abby goes to work.

And so I was trying to figure out this plan where Margo goes to her. She's three. She's almost four. She goes to her day camp in the morning. The baby. Washes some chairs. The baby naps at home and then i was like can i swap them out when i like bring one bring the baby to to um chair chair washing chair washing

it's never too early basic chair washing yeah take care and then uh take margo to the fair and then be home in time be back in time to pick pick her up before this is a real fair spieler's day yeah so it was uh like i told margo in the morning we're gonna go we're gonna go uh to a surprise after your camp today and then uh on the way to on the way to to her camp in the morning she was like her she's got these shoes that the laces are rubber they're elastics they're just coming undone and i was like we're gonna have to get you some new laces and we can't get those ones again because those were made at the factory and she was like what's a factory like that's a place where they make things it's like your bag came from a bag factory

your this car came from a car factory your shoes came from a shoe factory what This car came from a car factory. Your shoes came from a shoe factory. What do they do? It doesn't matter. Anyway, so I drop her off. Baby comes home and takes a nap. She wakes up. I go to pick up Margo, and I say, Margo, we're going to the surprise. Do you know what the surprise is? And she goes, it's not a shoe factory, is it?

You're not setting me up for some kind of shoe factory surprise. I'm exhausted. I've been cleaning chairs all morning. If you're going to try to make me make shoes. I know I work in textiles. So, yeah, we went to the fair. I did everything you can do with a four-year-old who's 38 inches tall. Did you go see the animals?

Yep. That's my favorite part. Saw the animals. Yeah. What did you see? A pig. A pig. Goat, baby, and child.

Baby and grown up. Cows. Cows. Horses. Mini horses. Whoa. Nice. Yeah, that's a fun one. Frust's a yeah anything all the barnyard

but i was like it's one o'clock on a tuesday is i'll be in and out who goes on a tuesday at one o'clock so i drive up there there's like a five block wait to get in to the parking lot oh yeah yeah and then I attacked it from the other side and it was a much shorter wait but as I'm going in there I'm like why is the why is it so crowded here on a Tuesday and the woman was like just so you know we've extended the uh the uh uh free entry until 2 p.m i was like ah kids get in free anyway this was good like did you get in free yeah nice it was worth it yeah yeah yeah i would have paid 50 to not wait it was just deadbeat dad day at the fair exactly yeah i took you out of the factory earlier so we could go to the fair

where I can get in free today is there anything else free? yeah those mini donuts you're gonna throw them away at some point anyways this popcorn big bag of popcorn gonna be in a big garbage bag

popcorn I bet you could have got some laces at the fair bag of popcorn. You want to be in a big garbage bag of popcorn? I bet you could have got some laces at the fair. Probably. Because animal sinew beat one of those goats to death. Yeah. Cut open its abdomen.

Yeah. There was a... Ripped open its stomach. Yeah. The laces fall out. That it ate. Yeah, exactly. open its stomach yeah the laces fall out that it ate yeah exactly that's that's where i was going with that no no i want to hear i want to hear more of the awful details no no that was a good thank you that's a great word play right there um uh yeah so we saw Super Dogs. Oh, yeah. What's a Super Dog? It's a dog show in the big arena.

They jump through hoops and run. Was there any ponies? Dog and pony show? No, it was just a dog show. Oh, okay. Yeah. I would have passed. And Ferris Wheel. That's about as exciting as it gets.

Like Ferris Wheel's day off. Yeah. Yes. That's some good wordplay. Ferris Wheeler's day off. Did you, like, I guess she can't play any of the games to, like, win a. Apparently, there's a really simple game that everyone wins like a sponsored prize. Ringette.

Like, I forget what it was. It's past time. Ringette. I forget what it was. Someone said they took their kid and it was like, everyone wins a prize.

Oh, nice. But... These millennials, everyone wins a prize. That's why I wouldn't let her do it. Yeah. She cried and cried,

but... There's no problem. What's why I wouldn't let her do it. Yeah. She cried and cried. But there's no problem. What's it called? Participation trophies. Yeah. Do you guys see that viral video where the guy was explaining to the eight-year-old soccer team participation, why it sucks? And the kid was like, I don't even know if he volunteered. He was like, your dad might tell you it's all right. Your dad's a pussy.

It was just like somebody videotaping the coach's pep talk. They were like children. Yeah. The guy got fired from his free job. Yeah, sure. I mean, speaking as the father of kids who do programs, their dad is a pussy. Hell yeah. Yeah. yeah like i will absolutely welcome jordan peterson to the program speaking as a pussy dad yeah you're right oh yeah it's it's always it is always weird with uh those like intramural sports or whatever

because it is just somebody who's doing the coaching for free yeah so you're like maybe it's somebody who's just got a heart of gold or maybe it's a lunatic yeah or maybe someone who wants to harm a child i had a i had a lunatic soccer coach well he wasn't the full soccer coach he was like somebody's like uncle like who was like allowed to come help sure his name was bobby and bobby had been to jail for some you know selling some cocaine at some point and uh he would show up i think i represented a lunatic soccer coach yeah an lsc uh but he uh he would show up in jeans, a leather jacket, and soccer cleats.

Yeah. And he looked like Matthew Lillard, like if Matthew Lillard had gone to prison for selling cocaine. Which is not that awful. Yeah. Matthew Lillard. But he would smoke cigarettes the entire time. He'd smoke cigarettes while coaching. And one time he broke a kid's leg. He would scrimmage with us.

And he was like, there are no days off kind of mentality. You can't take your foot off the accelerator. He was playing soccer, smoking a cigarette, broke a child's leg. And he was indignant about it. He was like, come on, get up. Get up. I'm fired. I can't go back in there.

I'm on. Yeah. I can't go back in there. I'm on work release. It's sort of like the plot of The Mighty Ducks. Doesn't he, like, his community service is to coach a hockey team. Who is the coach? Emilio Estevez. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean Emilio Estevez. Nobody ever talks about how weird it is that that turned into a real hockey team.

Yeah. Yeah. That is weird. It is weird. No other movie has become a thing, right? I mean, uh, yeah, that's the way the bubblegum shrimp company. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Which I did not know was a real thing until we were down, I think in Chicago and somebody said it like that. It was a restaurant chain in the States. Yeah. But I didn't know. I thought they were joking. I thought that was, but it's. People do go is like an ironic thing in New York

because they have to give like, they have to say things in like a Forrest Gump kind of. Of course. Yeah. And like I think you can even, like there's one part where you can be like, what kind of shrimp do you guys have one part where you can be like what kind of shrimp do you guys have and they have to be like what what what happened to jenny

um well when childhood jenny or growing up jenny you have to ask the waiter why was jenny uh so happy to see that house get torn down? So Sally Field played his mom in this movie, but his love interest in Punchline? What's with that? Yeah. And not that many years apart. Like 10 years? Probably.

Yeah. Never seen punchline uh it is one of the best wrong representations of what stand-up comedy clubs are like because they what are the other ones well the the law and order is also very bad horrible stand-up show but uh all the comics there's a locker room yeah exactly so it's like they didn't even bother going to one maybe was a thing at one point really yeah you know your locker room but like i feel like the comedy store had like lockers for comics or something like that because i think also like a lot of the comics worked there. Oh, I see. Yeah, this scene made it seem like that's the standard.

Like you come in and you change out of jeans and a t-shirt into jeans and a... Yeah, a blazer. Does anybody have an extra blazer? I forgot mine. And yeah, like, uh, and then I remember seeing an episode of law and order where they had that same thing.

And I was like, well, this person just saw a punchline. This is not, this is not an act. With a comic. Yeah. Was that the one where the comic was like the evil comic?

You remember that one? There was one where like, there was a comic and he was like evil. He was like, he'd go on stage and he'd be like, you know, be funny right now is if I raped you and then like he went and like raped the way there's something like it was like a very weird yeah it's but that's uh yeah there was an episode where the comic was uh the murderer or whatever and i remember them being backstage in the locker

room and being like yeah in the criminal justice system, he's considered especially hilarious. Victim. Hilarious victim unit. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to the fair. Yeah.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I ate some popcorn. Yeah. I ate a whole bag of popcorn yesterday purchased did you go to movies nope i was gonna go that's why i bought it wait what happened i didn't what if i went into

the movie theater yeah they're popcorn that's what i mean i just love what you guys do with popcorn uh no any of those shakers whole foods and i love like I didn't mean to buy it but then I walked by and it was on sale that Chicago style which is cheese and caramel yeah right and I was like well here goes the this day I've never had that it's so good it's so addictive yeah it seems wrong but it does seem wrong but then the second that you do the combo you're like yeah i see this it's fun like i i know that sweet and savory go well together um but there's the cheesy it's the cheesy i can't wrap my mind around well have you ever had cheese and fruit dave have you you gotta answer truthfully you're on the record here yeah. Okay. I'm going back through all of my cheeses and all my fruits. I mean. Did they ever enter my mouth at the same time? Yeah. Did you ever have an apple and a brie?

Yeah, that's a good one. Sometimes people have provolone and cantaloupe or something like that. Yeah. These aren't things I've had, no. Okay. All right. Okay. Well, have you ever had a buffalo mozzarella with a tomato?

Yeah, technically that's a fruit. Okay, so we're finding something. And I've had Hawaiian pizza. That's where we find out if you've had fruit and cheese. Hawaiian pizza counts. Yeah, absolutely. And you know what? Like a little charcuterie plate with maybe some fig jam.

That's kind of where I was originally thinking, but I didn't enunciate it. Yeah. So anyways, how'd you feel about it? Yeah, no, I guess, yeah. Well, like, yeah, no, I guess, yeah. How you going? Oh, boy.

You got me dead to rights. Yeah. Good thing Sublime never had to stand trial for something where the evidence was about that. Would you have to pass your surf bar? Beach bar exam? Beach bar exam. Oh, yeah. It was a swim up bar.

Your wet bar. Your sand bar? Sand bar, yeah yeah And then of course They pay me in sand dollars Oh yes Yes This is a lot of fun Right

And I ride off On a seahorse Oh okay And I go into the fair And there was a sea cow And Oh yeah These are all things

And anemones Because I'm imagining I'm some kind of underwater lawyer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll represent a king. Order in the coral reef? Oh, yeah, sure. That's pretty bad.

I couldn't get to court. You know, but it's up there with Hilaire's Victims Unit. Yeah, yeah. So we're fine. It's all happening. Yeah. So what's up with you graham um uh speaking of like all touristy things my parents were in town whoa whoa whoa i didn't do a touristy thing

i'm a local oh yeah that's true you're local you went to your local fair yep yeah uh i i wanted to go to see some one of those concerts because they have like... 80s and then they're back, right? Yeah, 90s night or whatever. The Goo Goo Dolls were going to be there. Sure, with all those cheekbones. And that hair. Goo Goo Dolls, Rob Thomas? No, that's Matchbox 20.

Yes. Who's Goo Goo Dolls? Frank Goo Goo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. What's the lead singer's name? Is it Johnny Resnick? Yeah, I'll buy that. Sure. Like a bass lead singer's name? Is it Johnny Resnick? Yeah, I'll buy that. Sure.

Like a bass player with the hair? That's why he's the lawyer. That's why I hired him. That's why I pay him the big bucks. I went to the aquarium with my folks. Because they have an art exhibit there right now, the Douglas Copeland. It's like about pollution.

Anyways, there was like signs for it everywhere, like on the train and flags that said Vortex. Oh, that's what that is. So we went and saw that, and it was good. It was good. Is the art underwater? The art is floating on a like uh it's supposed to be like this is what the future will look like once there's so much garbage

in the water oh good oh great so it was like uh a bunch of people on a boat that had been washed up like i guess all the garbage was stuff that he actually went and found in the water sounds gross yeah it was it was very garbage centric yeah and uh and then went they don't have whales at the aquarium anywhere yeah so they just have uh they got a lot of seals and uh any otters they got two otters i love an otter man oh man there's so much fun yeah They know how to put on a show. Yeah. The seals really were just snoozing and, you know, breathing, I guess. Oh, okay. But the otters, boy, oh boy, that was showtime the whole time. We were there picking up a frisbee, chasing each other, biting each other, going underwater, going above the water. Is it a show?

No, but they just know, like. Okay. It isn't, but it is. But, like, it's not like, They used to do a killer whale show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's no... I don't think they do any shows. No more shows.

It's just... Yeah. What about Alanis Morissette? Here we go. You Otter Know? Like an Alanis Morissette tribute featuring otters. You Otter Know. I mean, I love it.

Until they get to that movie theater scene. Yeah. Yeah, so I went... There's one otter dressed as Dave Coulier. With a little Detroit Red Wings jersey. But there's one point they have like an area that's not marine stuff. They have like snakes and a sloth. They say they have a sloth.

And they're like, it's somewhere in this area. But they don't say where it is. And so I don't think they have a sloth. That's my theory. That would be a great scam for a zoo yeah you're like come on pay to get in the zoo and everybody's like where is hey no free rides yeah come on get in here you know very trustworthy uh zoo keeper you know yeah yeah yeah the only employee of a zoo is a zoo keeper and you're just you're in the park

and he's hey come on come on come on come here give me a couple bucks and I'll let you see this and then you're like

where is it and he's ah it's somewhere back there yeah he's hiding yeah yeah he's got oh is he what time is it

you know it's elephant feeding time yeah sorry I gotta go feed the elephants can we see the elephants ah they're they're they don't like What time is it? You know, it's elephant feeding time. Yeah, sorry. I got to go feed the elephants. Can we see the elephants? They don't like to be watched. They're hanging upside down somewhere in this room.

He messes up. He gets elephants in sloths. Yeah, they're handy somewhere. Yeah. Just keep an eye out. And then, like, from behind a wall he has like a big like fake nose he projects a shadow he's just doing shadow puppets what is the elephant noise i can't do it oh you cannot do it that's good nailed it yeah really good this is my idea i'm gonna do it well there's a uh uh like with kids the first things they learn the first

words they say are animal noises and a cow says moo you know a horse nay uh you know i like it ducks is quack yeah um and like a bird i guess says tweet and also heard that horses winnie yeah they winnie, they winny. Yeah, they winny. They neigh. Does a goose honk? A goose says honk, yeah. Pig says oink.

Exactly. One thing I've seen elephants say, pawoo. That had to be a French book. Well, you can't write down what an elephant, the noise it makes. An elephant write down what an elephant. Yeah. The noise it makes. An elephant named Pawoo.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. It is I, Pawoo. It is very lonely for me. You do exist, Pawoo. Yeah. So I went and saw some animals in enclosures.

Yeah. You know. They're not going anywhere. I guess not. Have you guys ever been to that sad zoo that's over by, like, Abbott's? No. Long time ago. You know what I'm talking about, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's, like, one real sad elephant, and he's just like, fuck. Yeah. I can't believe I fell for this. It's a packaday smoker. Packaderm smoker. Well, you know,

we're just having the best time. They used to have ads for this zoo and it would end with a little kid going, I love the zoo. And we would always, my wife and I

would always quote this thing and then they kept the commercial, kept the kid at the end, dubbed his voice. Like to be like an adult voice? No, just to be a different. I love the zoo.

I've grown up and I still love it. I'd fuck the zoo. It was still a kid, but, and it was doing a kid's voice. I think they just wanted to make it clearer, but it was like, it was perfect the way it was. I loved the zoo. make it clearer but it was like it was perfect the way it was i loved you sometimes you see that were clearly made maybe in italian maybe in french where they've just like very lazily dubbed in you know it's maybe it's a shampoo commercial it's a violeta doing mops yeah and there i feel like there's a kind of maybe fish from italy in a can yeah that they'll dub in

but they do they take no care with trying to match it or they will just like you'll barely see the you'll you'll see the person start to talk for a split second and then the you know then you just see the mop i love those very european commercials where you love soccer that like we would never be interested in where it's like, you know, like it's like Nescafe drinking chocolate. And it's just like a woman like running through a market and like her boyfriend's like hiding. And then she's like, ah, and then they're like chasing each other because he has the drinking chocolate. You know what I mean? And it's like they're just like running. And then they eventually like they both get back to the apartment, and then he secretly got her another one.

And it's like, Nescafe drinking chocolate. What a fun afternoon. And everybody's like, wow. It's what everyone does. Run, Lola, run. I went down a Reddit hole of inappropriate commercials, and there was one that they kept on remaking in different cultures, actually. And it was an Italian commercial where a woman pushes her boyfriend into the washing machine, and when he comes out, he's black, and's like very horny she's like so excited because

now she's gonna finally be fulfilled um and it was like the worst part of it was it was like expo por colores you know like it was for colors was oh and then this chinese company redid it and she was this chinese lady with a black boyfriend and she was like annoyed with him immediately and then she pushed him into the washing machine and he came out chinese so racism is still alive and well yeah yeah and it's to quit joking around yeah powu and all this it's important yeah it is yeah But it's weird that, like, are they like, wow, it's really controversial in one country, so we'll make it again and we'll finally be able to get our pods on the market. Yeah.

I don't even think they, like, care. I don't even think they're like, oh, what are people going to think? They're just like, this is great. This was good there. Why not make it here? Because I think only we are getting mad about it. Like North America, maybe Western Europe.

You think the rest of the world? There's probably a couple people in Italy that run like a gluten-free pasta company that are like, this is outrageous. I mean, I think it's bad. Don't get me wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm not writing any letters. Yeah, I think we make very little difference in the world with our little corner over here but like uh speaking of inappropriate commercials my favorite one that often i'll like if you just google inappropriate commercials this one comes up a lot it's a mcdonald's commercial from england where the whole thing you don't really know what the commercial is for but it's a kid asking his mom if he's like his father so the subtext being that

the father's dead and they the mother is like kind of saying like everything that he is is the opposite of his dad like okay so she's got some feelings yeah she's saying like everything that he is is the opposite of his dad. Okay, so she's got some feelings. Yeah, she's saying like, oh, yeah, he was hit with the ladies, and then you see the boy like looking at a girl and her looking away. She turns to stone. He puts on New Order and applies his eyeliner, right? Yeah, and it's, you know, he's a sloppy eater like his dad is the one thing that him and...

But the whole time you have no idea where this commercial's going. You're just like, it's just this sad, plodding commercial. It's a minute long. It's very British. Yeah. He died in the Falklands, which is the craziest part of it. He just fell off a cliff in the Falklands. Yeah, not the war.

Yeah. This was in 2002. Yeah. But anyways, it's just like that they're using this kid's... Does it pay off? No, it doesn't pay off. It's just a sad and then they're eating at McDonald's and the mom's like,

oh, you're a sloppy eater like your dad. If you know what I mean. I actually only met him the one night yeah maybe that was the subject the dad like sits down across the room and he's like he's got a big mac all over his face the last time I saw you was 10 years ago. Before the condoms were invented. Oh, boy. Do we want to move on to some overheards?

Bingo. All right. Hey, MaxFun listeners. Have you been listening to MaxFun for a while and you've just been wondering, where's the new Flat Earth podcast to keep hearing about? Well, here it is. We give you all the facts on NASA's lies and how we know that the Earth is actually flat. Just kidding.

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We joined the Mormons. We joined the Scientologists. We got acupunctured. We got fire cupped. We got ear kindled. We've done it all and we're going to keep doing it all. Why don't you check out Ono, Ross, and Carrie at MaximumFun.org. carry at maximumfund.org Overheard I want honey.

Is that Missy Elliott from the movie Honey? What is the movie Honey? Jessica Bielalba Jessica Alba is a video dance choreographer. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Honey Daniels. Honey Daniels? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Somebody's seen the movie. I'm on, honey.

Yeah. It's. That's from the commercial. Do you remember the Jessica Alba show that was filmed here? Her very first thing? Oh, the James Cameron thing. Dark Lady. Yeah. Dark James Cameron thing. Dark Lady. Yeah, Dark Lady. Yeah, Dark Lady.

Night Lady. Dark Night Lady. The painted woman. Do we think we can name her? Do we think we could think of the name of the show? Dark Angel? Dark Angel. Yeah, there you go. Dark Angel. And I think there was just like a lot of sitting on the edge of a skyscraper. Yeah. Again, something I only saw the previews of.

It's kind of weird with Jessica Alba because you think about it, she's never really been in like a hit, right? No, she was always in things that were like, well, she was in the Fantastic Four, which I assume was. Which was not a hit. But they made a sequel to it, so it must have done well enough. But she's been in like five things like that. Right.

You can't think back and go like, oh, of course, the Jessica Alba thing. Yeah, she was in that movie with Paul Walker where she was underwater a lot. Yeah, that's right. Blue Crush? No. No, but it was something maybe blue. Maybe Scott Conn was there and they were chasing treasure. Yes.

Oh, yeah, that movie. What a babe. Scott Kahn. But she is like honest. And super rich. From honest. Oh yeah. I guess.

That's her company. Yeah. Yeah. I thought you were just saying. She's honest. She's honest. She doesn't lie. She'll tell you.

You walk in, you go, how do I look? She'll go, not great. Yeah, not great. You know what you could use? You could use some work. A little bit could use a little bit of my whatever product it is yeah some of my wipes um what she makes no she makes like honest tea uh doesn't she make like baby yeah baby product a lot of kids stuff and then her husband is like a underwear sock guy. Like a pile of underwear and socks. A pile of, yeah,

to a man. He's an underwear and socks man. His legs are pantyhose crammed full of underwear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she brings them. It's disgusting.

It's like the Japanese pillow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, she's done so well for herself that we kind of just let it go. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, she's done so well for herself that we kind of just let it go. Yeah. Yeah, she's very... Let's just run this

over herds. Over herds, a segment in which you hear things and then you share them here on the podcast. We always like to start with the guest.

Andy, would you please? Well, I ride the New York subway a lot. Mute to and fro work shows. And I hear, you know, something every day. But I heard a gentleman the other day telling his friend, he said, and that's why I should not have gone to high school,

which I haven't heard that take. I've heard why college is a waste of your time. But I haven't gone down to high school. High school. He upped it. He was like, that's why it was like a waste of time. Yeah, what were you going to be doing that you were so productive at that age? I mean, there's that book, Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.

Yeah, that's true. That's probably what he was talking about. He read that and he was like, wasted nine more years of school. I could have been in the workforce. Boy, yeah. Cleaning chairs. Exactly. Daveave do you have an overheard uh yeah i do mine is from the fair yeah so after the dog show super dogs superb dogs uh the superb dogs the uh we went to the, there was a jousting show. Okay.

Still dogs. No. Oh, can you imagine? So cute. The guy from Labyrinth. Dogs? Dogs on horses. Yeah.

Oh, wow. That would be cute. Wishbone in there. Oh. Uh, no, this was, uh, people who, it was the world champion jousters. Oh, really? Like this was, like, this is, this wasn't just your local jousting. It was people who... It was the world champion jousters. Oh, really? Like, this wasn't just your local jousting chapter. It was the best jouster in the world from Utah.

Super jousters? It was a super jouster from Utah. Wow. And they made Mormon jokes about him. So there's this guy in the middle of the jousting. A guy on a horse. Yeah. Announcing to everyone.

Wait, the announcer's on a horse? Yeah. Yes. And he's got like long hair. He's like the town crier. Oh, he's talking old English. Well, no, he's. Hear ye, hear ye?

Sort of a little bit of that, but he'll make a joke about like, now this guy's from Utah. joke about like uh now the uh this guy's from utah uh and you know they have to go around to the audience and pick a woman and give her a rose and they're competing for her this is what this is classic jousting this is classic just by the announcers like uh you know he's uh yeah don't worry ladies he's just gonna pick one of you i know he's from Utah, but. Oh, okay. Wow. So this town cracker guy, not afraid to mix it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A little bit of a Lenny Bruce. Yeah.

He's kind of dangerous, this town cracker. And his hair was so long and curly and beautiful. Oh, yeah. And so we didn't stick around for the whole thing because all these, I just, like they do pig races also at the fair. This is the best. But there's so much preamble. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This thing we saw.

They show a documentary of the last one. Yeah. How they train. Even then, I'd love to see that. It's a lot of like, oh, these pigs will be out here in a minute. But first, can we get you excited? Oh, okay. We're excited.

There's going to be a pig race. And this was that it was the guy like okay but before we they actually joust we'd like to show you some uh you know

there's some jousting techniques that they'll be using oh boy so he's gonna go through and try to pick up a ring with his joust stick

oh they're not trying to knock uh the person off well that's what you they were trying to get you to stay for. Oh, I see. But, like, I just get to it. I don't want to see him. And then he's going to ride past and try to slice a watermelon.

Oh, cool. I'm back on board. Yeah. You didn't eat the watermelon. Then they're going to launch it into the crowd with a ye old slingshot um and uh anyway so the guys the announcer is using all this old-timey talk and uh he says uh and this when he was a young squire and uh this guy behind me says young squire this guy behind me says, young Squire, this guy a lawyer? I think a Squire's a lawyer, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this woman who had a real Renaissance Faire vibe was like, it's a night in training. Are you sure? Because I think it's a lawyer. Because I read Squire magazine. Yeah. lawyer because i read squire magazine yeah uh man did you see them cut open this watermelon yeah yeah you stayed i mean we didn't stay for more than that because what like they were competing

in this like and then they got into law yes yeah this young squire is going to go over the whole, look out. Yeah, they got to do a mock trial. But yeah, no, well, like they, both the people were going to have to go through the course and do the watermelon. We just watched one and I was like, we got to get home. This is enough. If we don't pick up your sister by five o'clock, they keep her. Overnight, right? Forever. Yeah, it's in the fine print.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah. I've never seen anything like that. I've never been to medieval time. Never seen any jousting, anything like that.

So, fuck a list, I guess. Yeah, millions. Not too many medieval times once. Fun? It was like a company Christmas party. Yeah. It was all right. It was fine.

Yeah. Like, I mean, unless you're really into horses and old-timey. The food is disgusting. It's some of the worst food I've ever had in my life. What did you have? What was the- It's like first they come out out with a goblet thing. It's like a bowl, but it's got a handle.

And it was just like porridge, but it was just awful. And then it was like... It's so porridge. Oh, man. It was like, yeah, like broth, but it was very much like Sodexo, like horrible, you know, just big company. We're talking none of this food was made in this place. They got a, they got livestock back there.

They're not cooking food. Also, does it smell the whole time? Like does it smell? Yeah, it's not a good, it's like this dinner theater situation. That's a very bad idea. And, uh, but then they bring you out like some potatoes, like French fry things, but they're like potato wedges and then like a giant turkey leg. That's the whole thing

because everybody's just eating. But it's, like I don't eat meat. So you're like, I'll just eat these potatoes and this will be porridge? I think they maybe tried to give me something

like, they were like, we got extra potatoes. Sire. There's one in Toronto. Yeah. Like, for an idea That is kind of Essentially bad

There are a lot of them And it's not quite I think it's a little Out of the way And so that's why I haven't been And also Anytime I've been

No one has ever Wanted to go with me Table number one I'll just sit in the back Read a magazine Do you have any seats At the bar? You're just on your phone the whole time.

I'm just here for the food. I just came for a quick turkey leg before I go to work. Wife's out of town, so I thought I might go have a turkey leg. Oh, boy. You're in the game on. Oh, boy. You turn the game on. My overheard is I was standing behind a guy at a Subway restaurant.

Be fresh. Yeah. I like calling it a restaurant. And I don't know why, but I always get, if there's a person in line ahead of me, they're going to be asking every question that you can possibly ask of course what do you have on is there a special is there which ones are five dollars what kind of bread is i can choose from all these different types of bread just on and on every question and uh he finally decided on a sub and then they were like, asked him if he wanted toasted. That became a whole line of questioning in and of itself.

Do you toast it before the cheese? Do you put a cheese on and then toast it? Toast it before the cheese? This guy was asking every permutation of questions. Was it his first time in a subway? I think it might have been his first time on Earth. I think he just landed here. Maybe he was a time traveler.

What glasses were you wearing at the time yeah yeah he turned around 2037 hard very hard to make glasses out of those because there's no loops oh yeah well i mean come on the 20 well yeah but like seven six off to the side let's go do that but uh so he comes from the future, and they don't have Subway in the future. Interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Somehow that business model fails. Too many toppings.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and then he got, whatever, he got it. He was going to get it toasted, and then he asked for extra cheese, and the lady said, well, that'll be extra. And he lost it. And he said, well, what the fuck is even the point? And marched out.

Oh, really? Yeah. And the whole staff were like shocked because they had this half-made sandwich. And then it became like an in-joke. Like everybody that was there like, what was wrong with that fucking guy? So we really had a bonding moment.

Did he seem like the type to storm out but no he seemed like he was like an older guy and he just seemed like a guy who maybe had never been in a subway for whatever reason and uh but extra cheese is extra no matter what the context what's the fucking point yeah Yeah, exactly. Why am I even alive? Yeah. He walked right out into traffic. Was he trying to get a grilled cheese from Subway? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe he just misunderstood what kind of sandwiches they make. Because I hate...

Dave, where'd you go? I haven't been to Subway. He's given up. You know what? What's the fucking point? What's the fucking point? Like Jessica Alba, I had to be honest. I have been to Subway in the last few...

I was going to say, I haven't been to Subway since they have the toasted. But that's not true. I have been to Subway since they've got the toasted. I've never had a toasted Subway, though. It's the same level. It all gross yeah yeah like i mean it's i feel like when subway got the toasters it was just to to put quiznos out of business and they did it and they did it boy was that a death now but yeah quiznos toasted were really good they were great yeah like i feel like subway can't do that. No, it's because it was actually like a toaster.

One Subway has some magic box it goes in and then it comes out. You know, I don't know what it is. It's a microwave-ish. And you're not going to know. It's true. Well, what? That's true. Is even the fucking point.

What is even the fucking point? I will say this. Canadian Subway better than American Subway. Really? Yeah. Well, first of all, you guys have higher food quality standards. That's like one weird thing. Yeah.

But then also you guys have different options. I remember back when I was a squire and I was studying law in Whistler. I would eat the carnal flesh, the meats yeah i know you know what arby's has the meats and uh they had like a they had all these options that we didn't have in the states really pepper chicken and oh sure euro meat and stuff yeah euro meat like oh no european meat yeah yeah you guys remember when the, it's Panago now? Panago. Panago.

When it was the full Greek name. Yeah. Panagopolis. Yeah. And it was just the longest sign in the world. I'd come up here and I'd be like, who is doing this? You guys want to go to Panagopolis? What?

My sisters loved Panagopolis. Gesundheit? Was it a place you could go? No. It was the only place other than Domino's that delivered. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah.

Well, dark times. Yeah. Does medieval times deliver? Yeah. On horseback. Oh, gross. Soup. Soup all gross. Soup. Soup all over the horse.

You just send, you know, like, send some company to- Send a horse. You guys are wearing one of those thermal backpacks that the food delivery guys have. The horse is just knocking at your door. Yeah, you just get the, they buzz you. You just hear, Oh, it's here.

My porch is here. My weird medieval porch is arrived. Now we also have overheards sent in from people all over the place. If you want to send one into us, you can send it in to sby at maximumfun.org.

This first one comes from... We need to get Andy's yawn. We need to get them pristine. Could you not talk over them? I'm sorry. I didn't eat yet today. I know. It's not easy to remember to eat.

I think we all flubbed it. Sure. Yeah, no. Yeah, we've all had tummy rumbles. Yeah. This first one comes from Kevin B. Past guest Kevin Banner? No, it was a different guy.

I was at work and overheard a co-worker regaling the office with a story from his recent camping trip. In the first snippet I heard, he said, So this guy comes walking out of the woods, and he's stinging drunk and holding a giant knife. I missed the middle part of the story, but when I tuned back in, I heard, And the next morning, everyone is mad at me for being friendly to the guy with the giant knife. Well, excuse me. Easy mistake. Yeah.

I just invited him in to chop some stuff in our campsite. That's actually kind of a normal camping story. Like a guy in the campsite just kind of wanders over. Yeah. And they're like, hey, what you over. Yeah. And they're like, Hey, what you guys up to? And you're like,

well, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is like, it's, there's no, does anyone know you're here? That's,

that's what you always ask. Do you, uh, camp? I do. Yeah. But not since I moved to New York. But like,

do you go to a camp ground or are you one of these? Like we go off a trail and just i'm a i'm a car camper i like a good car camping yeah i i'm okay with going a little farther and i love like when i have done the backpacking to the remote place but it's such a more involved yeah you know that's a whole yeah it's a whole expedition. You got to have a lot of stuff. You got to be in pretty good shape. Yeah. I feel like to carry stuff into and then you got to carry back a bunch of garbage with you. And my Juul will run out of batteries, you know.

That's right. And the trip's ruined. Well, don't you, you can charge it manually. I do have a crank Juul. It's called a cigarette. but it has crank in it uh this next one uh do you jewel i do he does he's got a jewel oh yeah i am not like defending them at all but it helped me quit smoking cigarettes i i don't uh are they the flat ones yeah yeah it looks super cool it's just a vape yeah i know but like it's not a big box

it doesn't draw attention to itself yeah just a tiny it looks like a and you can charge it in a usb right yep yeah the future is here yeah because yeah honestly if anybody traveled from anywhere in the past and saw you smoking a jewel they'd be like they know they were in the yeah yeah that one you don't even have to have the glasses on uh this next one comes from tim h uh just sitting in high decker yeah yeah yeah okay cool well i didn't want to say his last name but but he is famous. Sorry. Okay. Was just sitting in class and overheard a few students talking at a table next to mine. Student one, I wrote a poem for the librarian. Student two, you wrote a poem?

Student one, yeah. Took me five minutes and it was sick. Would you write a poem for your librarian? Sure. Why not? Yeah. Why not? Yeah.

I feel like my librarian. Especially if I'm trying to smash. Yeah. Do we decimal? Do we or don't we decimal? Cheryl, sh-sh-sh-sh-Cheryl. Decimate. Oh, boy.

I just heard a slam thing. Too loud for the library. Yeah. Yeah, you just got kicked out. I just heard of a slam thing. Too loud for the library. Yeah. Yeah, you just got kicked out. I know. I was watching the news. There's a big thing about a pipeline not being stopped here in BC. Not being stopped?

It was being stopped. Yeah, that it's not going to happen. And they interviewed. Sorry. No, no, no, no. That was good. No, wait, no, no. That was good. No, wait, wait. Not going to happen.

It's not going to do it. Okay. Shit. Not going to do it. Oh, there it is. Oh, yeah. They interviewed somebody from the pipeline. Inside the pipeline?

Yeah. Inside the pipeline. It was very echoey. And then they went. Somebody from the pipeline. Inside the pipeline? Yeah. Inside the pipeline. It was very echoey. And then they went, we're going to talk to one of the protesters. And it was a guy doing slam poetry. Oh, man.

You always get the worst ones. Yeah, like you couldn't have sent out somebody who wasn't going to do it. Oh, Jared. Oh, the protesters are just on unicycles yeah or those very tall double-decker bikes oh tall bikes those are my biggest that's the one thing i do not do they have those in new york i'm all over yeah what is it about running like a vegan like deli stand that you have to have a tall bike for you you know, whatever it is. Yeah. You're right.

Stinky barista, like always the same shit. I'd love to see jousting on the tall bike. Oh, I think you probably do it. Oh, absolutely. Why not?

It's modern times. Bicycle's what's killed the joust. I say, my bicycle could bring it back. Tall bikes. Wow. That bike polo, right?

Yeah. You've seen that before, yeah i mean i've heard of people who do it i mean i've i've google imaged it but i haven't watched any video no uh this last one comes from mike grand prairie alberta i'm in the basement of a game store uh he's found many floors help me and he literally wrote in brackets yeah yeah because he knew we were gonna make fun of him um there are some junior high kids playing dnd nearby over the gentle buzz of quiet talking and tumbling dice i just heard from a kid with braces with a brothel. With a brothel?

A brothel? Yeah, yeah. With a brothel. With a brothel. And I don't want to be the one to tell you what a brothel is. You should be learning that from somewhere. Well, I guess maybe you need to learn it

from your dungeon master. I think I mostly learned about it from jokes. What a brothel was? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I feel like I would go to this heritage park when I was a kid and they have one of the, they'd be like, this was a house of ill repute or something. I'd be like, or a cat house, they would say.

I was like, oh yeah, that's nice that there was a house in town for cats. I remember a bunch of brothel jokes. I mean, there was the one about the koala. What? I don't know this one. Do tell. I mean, it ends with eat, shoot, and leave. Ah, classic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it about a koala going to a brothel? Yeah. Yeah. All right. That tracks. Is it about a koala going to a brothel? Yeah Alright, that tracks In addition to overhears that are written in We also accept your phone calls if you want to call us The number is easy to remember

1-844-779-7631 That's one, ugh, SpyPod 1 Goodbye George, I think he's got us These batteries in my Butthole what they are working like these people have hi guys i'm calling in with an overheard from a friend of mine she overheard a group of young boys talking and one was bragging to the rest yeah i've seen like 2.5 vaginas in my life in a boastful tone and they asked him yeah how are they and he paused and said not great 2.5 yeah uh well i mean the 0.5 yeah really threw it off and uh you know congratulations

you're too up on me yeah i've only seen though one lady uh with a bad bathing suit yeah yeah and um uh you know what they are great there thank you and then you know what? They are great. There. Thank you. And you know what? They're strong. Yeah, absolutely. So strong that there was a whole monologue series about them.

So think about that. 2.5 vagina monologues. Bring a friend and bring half of a friend. Take a picture. It'll last longer. Okay, so here's the thing. My sister and her stupid husband are trying to say that in

Third Eye Blind's song Semi-Charmed Life, right, that they are rapping, like white people rapping. And like I know a lot of white people rapped in the 90s and it's shit. But the thing is that I don't think they are rapping in this song.

It's just that it's like, you know, when the sky was red. Is that an overheard? No, it's a good question. Overheard, like the radio? Yeah. it's no it's a good question overheard like the radio yeah were they rapping in the song semi-charm kind of life semi-charm life by third i blind i don't remember oh is that the sky was gold it was rose i thought it was it was gross this guy was gold it was gross they could sip some of it to my node if yeah they are they are

that's rapping it's bad and then it's bad the sky was gold yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's i think i think uh i mean technically i think it's a slam poem it took me back yeah and i wish i could get back there somewhere back there by the name of the pictures you would take doing chris's mother lifted up and do the break it was that deep tap dvd dvd yeah and it is about uh char. Yeah. And it is about. Charlize Theron. It is? About Charlize Theron?

He dated her. Wow. So, I know there's something about panties. Yeah, there's a line about panties and there's a line about crystal meth. Yeah. And how he wants something else to get him through this semi-charmed kind of life. And in the music video, he covered his mouth when he said crystal meth and they made it

go backwards. He couldn't say crystal meth back then. I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life. It was on the radio a couple weeks ago and I heard it and I was like, this song, I get why it was so popular.

It's got everything. Yeah. It's got a doo-doo-doo part. It's got cool rap talking. It's got a catchy chorus. Yeah. And it's got a slow part of the slow down the part you like already. Right.

What years was this? This would be like 95 or 96 the part you like already. Right. What, what years was, this would be like 95 or six? Such a weird time in music. Yeah. The, like,

it was the, it was, rock bands felt like they could do a rap song. All the time. Yeah. Like, and then,

then that wasn't what they did. They would just have a song where they're like, I'm going to rap on this. Yeah. And everybody was like, yeah,

give me 10 more examples. Uh, the Barenaked Ladies. Uh, they did that. I feel like, uh, I feel like Sugar Ray had some elements of rap in there.

Sublime too. Yeah. That there would be like, Hey, we're rapping on this track. Sublime, my client, sublime.

Yeah. Maybe Limp Bizkit. Oh, no. Yeah. They absolutely. There was an entire rap rock. Yeah. Maybe Limp Bizkit? There was an entire rap rock song. Yeah, that was one. Yeah, from that song. Here's your final overheard. Hi, Dave and Graham. I was at a pawn shop

buying some PlayStation games the other day when a gentleman came in and said, Yo, where's that fat motherfucker Kevin at? You finally fire him? To which the pawn shop guy replied, Kevin died in his sleep Monday morning. And the rest of us sat in the pawn shop in silence

for what felt like a couple hours. Thanks. Oh, shit. I want to give my respect to that fat son of a bitch or whatever you call him. Damn. R.I.P. Kevin, you fat motherfucker.

You're a real one, dude. But yeah, we did fire him. Yeah, but yes, he was. We did fire him Sunday. That's the best one I've ever heard. Yeah, that was really, really good. I didn't want to end with that one. I don't label them.

Yeah. I thought that one was too sad to end with. No, it was good. I think it's what Kevin would have wanted. Man. Yeah. Wow. While it was playing, I bought, I've never bought anything

from a pawn shop. Secondhand stores, but a pawn shop, I feel like there's like, like the, the items are all sad because somebody had to, was pawning them for some reason. Yeah. It's like all instruments where somebody gave up their dream for their drug addiction. Yeah. And power tools where someone gave up their, their, their trade. Yeah. for their drug addiction. Yeah. And power tools where someone gave up their trade. Yeah, for their drug addiction.

I'm going to do all the construction. You know who had a really good song about a pawn shop? My clients. Oh, cool. Oh, boy. Here we go. You know what? I just wish the intro was longer.

Oh, yeah. Dude. This makes me want to eat a chronic taco. Your Honor, my client, the LBC. They're jamming out on this intro. They'll be in the court in just a second All rise Just trying to set the tone, your honor You thought they were coming in there

Your honor Could I have a Moment of silence for Ken Could I have a continuance, please? And okay, Your Honor, but the thing about the pawn shop that we're at here, the pawn shop in question, will open. It is my client's promise. Just the instrumental version.

Yeah, that's what I was just going to ask. Okay. Welcome. There we go. Okay. Why not an 80-second intro? Oh, boy. Wow.

There's something so weird about Sublime in that they're so reviled. They're such a punchline, but they were so good. It's such a weird, like, I know They're such a punchline. But they were so good. It's such a weird... Like, I know we're making fun of them. I know that they're very bad and their whole subculture is awful. I'm sorry to talk about your clients like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But...

Your Honor, I object. I don't know if it was good or the guy just had a good voice. I don't know. But there was, like, talent there. Yeah. And it's also timeless. What do they have? Two albums? But it's very

90s. But it's bad. But like it's not timeless. It takes you to a place and a time. Yeah what I mean in that it's timeless is like there's still people playing it. Yeah. I don't listen to like a lot of the music I listened to in middle school and high school

and oh right like that i loved but including sublime but like people do still listen to sublime oh yeah very much as yeah we used to do this matter of course at parties in college which was you would put on santeria and you would count how long it took till everybody started singing. That's a fun game. This is when we realized it was bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is irony-based. But that's still a fun thing to try

at a party, just to put on a song and see how long it takes for everybody. It's a very specific kind of party. It's like a frat house kind of vibe

that frat boys loved Sublime. Yeah. It was like, still. I think it's still like you could you i wonder i wonder if today's if anybody out there is in connection with any of today's frat boys get in touch with us can you call us call our frat hotline when i was like uh four or five

months sober meaning i'd quit smoking weed i'd quit drinking a long time ago. But I got hired to do the 311 cruise. Nice. Oh, okay. From Miami to Jamaica. And that is basically everybody that listened to Sublime also listened to 311. Right. And I was on a cruise ship with only their fans.

Yeah. And Rome, you know, like the guy who's the only existing guy from Sublime that's like trying to, and his band, I think that he represents Dirty Heads. Don't look at me. Yeah, he represents one band. Oh, only Sublime. The estate.

Okay, I'm sorry. But it was very weird to see the people that are hanging on to the. Yeah, we're a weird bunch, aren't we? Yeah, that's true. I'm wearing very baggy shorts with pockets. I accidentally... You know what? I went on the 311 cruise, but I was trying...

I dialed 311 to get a new recycling bin. Yeah, yeah. You were just there for city services. And you were like, why do I have to give you my credit card number? Yeah. And they're like, just show up to Miami.

Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast. Andy, thank you so much for being a guest. Thank you. Let's eat. Yeah, you have your cartoons about soccer.

I do. I have the Champions premiering September 17th on, uh, just go to bleach report. That's where you'll see it. Bleacher report does come. And if people want to find out where you're performing,

they find out on Twitter. Let me know. Yeah. Uh, I'm, I'm just in New York city for the next little bit. I'll be around the Eastern seaboard, but,

uh, then I'll be back in the Seattle area at Christmas. Fun. Doing laughs. And then also... Yeah, yeah. That's right.

It's actually in Seattle now. Okay. They moved to Kirkland. They moved from Kirkland. They should have stayed in Kirkland. Anyway, have a good show.

Sorry, guys. And you folks out there We're on tour Oh man We're on tour In a week or two Yeah We're gonna be We're gonna be hitting Calgary

We're gonna be hitting Edmonton We're gonna be hitting Saskatoon Before that We're gonna be hitting Toronto That's right Winnipeg And the planetarium Here in Vancouver One show sold out Before that, we're going to be hitting Toronto. That's right. Winnipeg and the Planetarium here in Vancouver.

One show sold out. I think a second show has been added. Yeah. I don't know at this time. But you'll know for sure. Go to StopPodcastingYourself.com and click on a thing. Yeah. And thank you so much for listening.

If you like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.