Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 551 - Eddie Della Siepe

Episode Date: October 9, 2018

Comedian Eddie Della Siepe returns to talk skunks, Ikea, and Bachelor in Paradise.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 551 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and oh, with me as always, is a man who has a vision in blue, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm wearing blue head to toe. Yeah.

Two. Yeah. What was your mood when you were dressing? Oh, I was sort of, I guess, sad. Yeah. I guess it would be some kind of sadness. I guess that's maybe associated with blue. True blue, though. Yeah, that's true. It's a good thing.

Blue Christmas. Oh, no, that's sad again. That's sad, too. The Delta blues. That's a type of blues. Yeah, yeah. Pacific blue. That was about bicycle cops.

Yeah. Blue Cantrell yeah Blue she sang Hit Em Up Style Rookie Blue that's a Canadian program about a cop

a blue by Eiffel 65 is a well these are all the different interpretations what I don't like so this

what I'm wearing right now is actually Indigo okay I don't like Indigo as a like I don't like that it gets its own spot in the rainbow.

Yeah. I'm with you on that. Because indigo is supposed to be a blue or a purple? It's like in between, in the same sense that green is in between yellow and blue. Oh, man. Really makes you think. Our guest today, if you live. Because you get a pack of crayons. Oh, man. Really makes you think. Our guest today, if you live... Because you get a pack of crayons.

Yeah, yeah. You're going to get red, orange, yellow, green, blue. Yeah. And violet. You're not going to get indigo. No, that's true. But you feel like you've only got these six things here. Six crayons to make a rainbow.

So you mash two together to make indigo? Yeah, I do. I'm a big melter. Our guest today. Oh, no, no. He hosts a monthly show at UCB called Cuck. If you're in the Los Angeles area, he's a very funny comedian. Eddie Telesepi is our guest.

Hey. Hey, how are you guest hey hey how are ya good how are you good I've gotten Ellie a lot oh really people are like

kind of like focused so much on the last name that they script the first name yeah they're like Ellie Della Seppi

Ellie I mean that could be a good name if you you know you're a daughter or a dog or if you

you looked at me and said daughter and then looked again or dog a daughter or a dog. Or if you... He looked at me and said daughter and then looked again or dog. Yeah. Probably more of a dog guy. I wouldn't trust you with a daughter.

I'd go to Deli Della Seppe. Is that like a restaurant? Yeah, I mean, it's a deli. Nice. That's pretty good.

You guys do say it right. Seppe? Seppe. Well, in Italian, it's seppe. I'm out here. I say Seppi.

Yeah. Eddie Della Seppi. Yeah, why not? Eddie of the Hedge. Oh, yeah, that's right. I know. I'm a namesmith. You're a namesmith.

Yeah, Dave's a real old namesmith. He goes way back. I'm like the founder of the NBA. Founder of the NBA. What? James Namesmith? Oh, no. Put all your names in this peach basket, everyone.

I mean, technically, without that game, the NBA would be hard-pressed to bring out fans. He read everyone's name so eloquently. What a namesmith. I guess modern sports have that, where the inventor of the sport, slam ball Is also the founder of the league Yeah, yeah What was slam ball? That was a trampoline Yeah, it was on TNN

It was a trampoline based basketball Wow Do you want to get to know us? Oh, I do Get to know us Do you play any sports? Um, no You don't strike me as a guy who's never Get to know us. Do you play any sports? No. You don't strike me as a guy who's never not in jeans.

Yeah. Yeah. I do shower with jeans. That's how they fit so well. Thank you. I used to play baseball as a kid. I used to like baseball. Because baseball was one of those, I was like an undersized kid.

So I was like, yeah, I can play second base. You know, everything else required a large stature. Eddie tells us that he's a great second baseman name. Well, my mom's maiden name is Mendoza. So if I went by Eddie Mendoza, that just sounds like a guy's getting called down to the minors for sure. Eddie Mendoza. Batting nine. Going down. Oh got a kid i got a dog a daughter get out of here ellie eddie um were you any good at the baseball um i was okay my last and this is actually a story of my act but this is 100 true my last

memory of baseball was i used to play in toronto as a kid and my dad was uh my mom's from peru my dad's from italy but he was i had an old dad growing up he's like in his 50s when he was when i was a 10 you know so he didn't understand the idea of recreational baseball. It was just such a like, what is this? And this is a hundred percent true story. He's a stickball man. Yeah. Stickball in the streets of Brooklyn, baby.

So my dad didn't care. He was just very, this very like stoic, kind of like rough around the edges kind of guy. And I'm not kidding you. The story, like my first at bat, playing baseball, I like, first pitch goes by me, strike one,

then strike two, and then I swing and I miss, strike three. My dad's watching me from the stands, not understanding anything. And then he comes down this sort of hill and he goes, Eddie, Eddie, come here.

And I walk up to him hoping for some encouragement and he goes, can I go? I walk up to him, hoping for some encouragement. And he goes, can I go? I got the car running. I didn't think this would take this long.

I really was like, yeah, you can go. I'm like 10. And then it was just such a, can I go? It's very rare that it's the parent that's asked. It's usually the kid that's like, can I get out of here? Because it's one, two, three strikes, bye. My first at Baton Little League, my dad has asked me if he could go. I got to go. Can I go?

Wow. In his mind, he sat through an inning. He doesn't know what that is. I went up. I struck out he's like oh that's it right yeah it's so weird

were you an only child no I had two brothers two brothers two brothers both and my dad was like an old like

I don't know he's an old dad we know old dad old dad so as a result I feel like I don't know if you know

anyone who was raised by old parents but I've never my dad was never like let's go play catch. He was just so beaten down by working since he was 12. And he's also older and he's just like, whatever. And as a result, all I do is like, I like to chill, have coffee, chill out.

I was never an active guy. So if I was on a date with a woman. You like to do your taxes. Do your taxes. Make sure that yeah credit card bills paid so i was always always felt like an old man growing up because i always felt like you know i just mimicked my father he's just like chilled out living in la do you get into hike culture see that's the thing i'd have sometimes i'd like all right and they were

like hey do you want to do something exciting, like going on a hike? I'm like, what? What are you, insane? I'm going to climb a mountain with you. I don't know you. Yeah. But that's a thing that people do, like, as a social? Well, some people use it as, like, a first date sort of thing. We get to know each other. Oh, gross.

So gross. Like, because I sweat even now. Like, I'm kind of getting a sheen on. And I can't imagine, imagine like meeting a stranger being like anyways so graduate school yeah cool is there toilet and stuff shit every hike it's a bad cactus back there i panicked high culture is like something but it's sort of like a really city watered down version of hiking. It's like a dirt trail up this sort of like kind of semi mountain, you know,

like Laurel Canyon or something. And is it like, like a lot of people walking up and down it? It's so scene-y, you know what I mean? Like people like selfie sticks and like taking selfies and pictures of them looking over the city with their arms out like, glad to be here or whatever the fuck the captions are.

Indiana, you never got me. LA is full of towns where they said, you'll see, you know, that people said that to their hometowns. That's what it feels like. But it's like, and then people have their dogs. It's just cool. But it just, it's not, it's not really for hiking. It's more like, I don't know. it just feels like a social scene to me.

I like the idea that somebody would go from a small town in Indiana and that someday Indiana's newspaper of record would publish a story like, we were wrong about Joan. He is a great web designer. Who would tell you to be a web designer well I'm just waiting tables until this web design thing takes off waiting to be discovered

but I don't know I try to be active I guess I don't know I'm more of a I don't know I don't do like crazy like the reason we invited you on the show is we want to know what you eat and we want to know how you work out. Yeah. Not a keto guy, that's for sure.

I'm not sure what the keto diet, is it just Atkins? Is it the same thing as Atkins? You don't eat a bread. You don't eat bread. There's fasting involved and there's a lot of protein. But the thing is, here's what I don't like about it. The protein, it's like, it can be saturated fat, it can be bacon, it can be jerky.

As long as it's just meat, it's like, what? Are you insane? What are you putting in your body? I had a woman once tell me, like, I was eating a banana. She's like, oh my God, are you serious? I go, what? Like people in the keto diet, you're probably just eating a Snickers bar. a banana she's like oh my god are you serious i go what it's that's in like people who are in the keto diet that's you're probably just eating a snickers bar yeah that's the bread of fruit i go

this you eat jerky the bread of fruit i love it uh i was uh like a banana grew off a tree how is this that bad if there's a jerky restaurant in my neighborhood? Yeah. Are you serious? Well, it's not like some place you can't dine in. Yeah, I guess. Jerky for the lady. I guess it's like the jerky equivalent of Subway. I think you order, there's some jerky guys behind the glass. And I've never been in. It smells smoky.

It does smell very smoky. When you walk past. But the other day I was trying to turn the corner around there in my car. And some people were walking out just savoring their jerky in the middle of the street. And I made myself laugh because it was women. And I made myself laugh because it said, keep moving, jerky boys. And then I remembered jerky boys is a thing. To me, jerky is forever just at like, you know, the impulse buy at a 7-Eleven.

I don't, I don't, I'm not into this refined jerky. I just remember in the, when I was a kid, there was the food dehydrator commercials. What? Like it was, you don't know this? I don't know this. You don't remember? Food dehydrating commercials. Well, infomercial.

Infomercial. Yeah. Ronco. Yeah. And the big selling point was that you could make turkey jerky. That was like,

like, that was, if you weren't sold on the product, turkey jerky was supposed to make you like, okay, you got,

you got me. You got my number. There was a guy at the show last night, I was making, I had jokes about the keto diet and some guy was like, just put his hand up like it was a fucking seminar. Like a night I had jokes about the keto diet And some guy just put his hand up Like it was a fucking seminar

Like a TED talk Excuse me sir And he said I was like joking around with him And he said He was like oh I have to go home to my homemade jerky tonight I'm going to have it tonight, my homemade jerky I made it with my hair dryer

I left it on and walked out yeah and i was just joking like it's the one that's like if you make your own wine it's like oh cool but if you make your own jerky no one wants your homemade jerky i would would you really yeah somebody was like a satchel of homemade jerky why does it have to be in a satchel of homemade jerky? Why does it have to be in a satchel? Because it's funnier? I'd eat it. I'm surprised I haven't been to this jerky restaurant. The thing is, I'm terrified about whatever the process is. Do I need to take a number?

And it also looks like, because there's a big window where you can see the ladies making the jerky. It doesn't look like it's up to any kind of code. They seem to be wearing just like a mask that you would get at the hardware store or something. It's not doing anything. Yeah, that's weird because if a restaurant starts a new restaurant in your city, normally the city knows how to inspect a you know, a dairy queen or whatever. We don't got jerky specialists. But like exactly.

It's like quick. Like bring in that mountain rich teenager. He knows his jerky. Yeah, exactly. You're a vegetarian. Yeah. Have you tried the Impossible Burger? I've tried the Beyond Burger.

Okay. So in the States they have the Impossible Burger. I haven't tried the Impossible Burger? I've tried the Beyond Burger. Okay, so in the States they have the Impossible Burger. I haven't tried the Impossible Burger. What's the deal? I don't know why this is such a selling feature. It bleeds like real burgers. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is like, okay, I need blood in my food. Does the Beyond Burger bleed? Yeah, it's got the same type of thing it like all i tried one in this place in los angeles and it was they made it like a big mac okay and it was so good all i could think was if mcdonald's gets a hold of this like but it's weird mcdonald's is one of the only big chains that doesn't have a veggie burger. Really? Yeah. Except in like countries where like they have one in India and they have one, I think maybe in Japan. Anyways.

Right. But like not in North America. They never have. I don't know why. I didn't know that. Yeah. They have no veggie options other than fries and a salad. Yeah.

And a shake. And a shake. No shake has milk. No. And also, well, you said veggie, not vegan. Yeah. Oh, that's right. That's right. But yeah, this salad. A shake might And a shake. No shake has milk. No. And also, well, you said veggie, not vegan. Yeah. Oh, that's right.

That's right. But yeah, this salad. A shake might not have milk. Yeah. Eating a salad at McDonald's would probably be a pretty wild experience. Wild experience?

It goes LSD, McDonald's salads. You just know it's treated with whatever crazy chemicals you can possibly treat a salad with. Like it's, you know. How do you like to be treated salad?

You've been naughty. I haven't eaten at McDonald's in a long time. No, yeah. For me, it's been like six or seven days. Are you serious? And it used to be like there was maybe a decade where I never ate at McDonald's. And then I, I'm back.

Yeah. Back. Yeah. Yeah. Subway is the one I haven't eaten at in 20 years. I've never entered a subway and not left, not smelling like a subway. Oh yeah.

Well, that's just all encompassing. Yeah. It's like ruins any, any hint of you ever having a shower that day. Yeah. You're like, I'm not, I can't go on this hike now that I ate this stupid Subway. I'm eating a strange late at a hike after a Subway sandwich.

We've had this conversation before. I love the smell of Subway. And my problem is that the taste doesn't measure up. It doesn't match the weird smell that's in there. People don't like the smell. I think it's great. Really? Pipe that out into the street.

What? Imagine that like one of those glad plug-ins for the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this? Oh, it's Subway. Like a Subway?

No, no. Yeah, Subway is a sandwich place. Yeah, yeah. Like the smell of a sandwich? No, the smell of like a block radius. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, you can't ever identify where the smell, what it is that's causing it.

Because I've asked, and they always say it's baking bread. And I'm like, no. Excuse me, sir, what's this smell? Please don't talk to me. What do you want? Well, you dealt it under my logic. They have a veggie patty. Yeah.

And I go to Subway. The Subway, it's the opposite. Yeah. And I go to Subway. Subway, it's the opposite for me, is I go to Subway fairly regularly. Haven't been to a McDonald's in probably 15 years. Wow. Something like that. The last time I had a Big Mac, I was like, it's going to happen. It was like a moment. I'm going to do it.

And I was so sick after. Oh, really? My body was in complete shock. Like, what? This isn't a protein shake what is this edmundo you you said you were gonna give us jerky where's the jerky man i don't know my stomach sounds like that oh it's sick yeah what does your stomach sound like when it's hungry Oh, boy. I'm. Oh, wow. Can I bother you for a little nibble? Scared boy.

Scared boy stomach. No, I'm a grown man, but I'm dead. What I have been doing, though, diet-wise, I've been doing intermittent fasting. Oh, how long do you fast for? I've been doing intermittent fasting. Oh, how long do you fast for? I do my last meal maybe like 10 p.m. I don't eat again until maybe after maybe 12 p.m. So maybe like 1 p.m.

Why? What's good about that? I feel like I'm not truly hungry in the morning, so I don't really eat. I don't know. No, I'm not hungry in the morning either. I often find when I'm eating that my body's like, what are we doing here like you really yeah because uh first of all don't like being up in the morning

yes i'm not morning person at all so already my brain is like what the fuck what the fuck is this about man do we have a flight do we have a flight yeah and then i'm eating you know like my stomach's like i'm still asleep Stop dumping mini wheats on my head. Hey man, we're trying to sleep. There's a burrito in us. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, yeah.

Maybe, maybe I'm intermittently fasting, not doing anything good, but. A couple of months ago, I started noticing that for the first time in my life, I was just full. Like I was always hungry, always forever. Oh. And then I just started noticing that, like, I would eat dinner, and then at breakfast, I'd wake up, and I'm like, well, it's time to eat breakfast, but I'm still full. And then I think the metabolism is catching up with me. Maybe it's time to not have seconds of everything of everything a second pizza please i feel like i mean i'm trying to stay within you know i'm not

militant about my diet but i'm trying to be somewhat cautious of it but like i try to like you said if your body feels full i mean who cares if it's if it's 1 p.m and you should be eating if you're full you're full or like in the morning you're like people like aren't you gonna have breakfast like i don't want it i feel like some we're so confined to these sort of regulatory like eating habits it's like doesn't make sense for our lifestyle certain people's lifestyles this is this from your act this is from a book that i'm writing but as animals, you know,

like a lion's not like, you know, I can't chase this gazelle. It's four. Yeah. It's like, I'll be, everyone's going to,

I got to eat a gazelle. It's six. Yeah. I'm going down the watering hole. I don't know. My wife will be mad if I show up back at home and she's made gazelle.

And it's also very hard for a lion because they get that blood all around their legs, you know? So it's very hard to, unless he stops at the water hole on the way home. Right, right, right. But he's not scrubbing. No, no, no, absolutely not. I think I only had that comparison because I watched a lot of Planet Earth on Netflix. Oh, yeah. I love it.

Do you watch it? Yes, but not. I don't watch. I get squashed by the majesty of it all. It's too much. Really? It's too intense? Yeah.

I think like, you know, I like a short kind of story of like a hunt or somebody gets away. Right, like a YouTube four minute clip of like an animal. I do love the fact that so many people are watching like these majestic planet Earth shows

with all these beautiful scenery on a laptop that's got a bunch of like fingerprints on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watched some. Yeah, I feel like soup splattered on it.

Certain parts of, especially America, they're like, we're not supposed to see that. You're not supposed to see this beautiful, majestic jungle while you're like picking chips off your chest or something. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of odd. It's kind of funny.

But the city one, the city episode, I thought was really interesting. Did you watch it? No, I haven't watched any of it. Really? I don't. He's got two young'uns. And I thought was really interesting. Did you watch it? No, I haven't watched any of it. Really? I don't. He's got two young'uns. And I don't get high.

What? I'm so sober. Who's going to sit around for an hour and be blown away by the majesty? All right. You hate earth. That's what I got from that. What's the city like? Is it a city or is it just cities?

They take different cities and this one city in India where where these monkeys just roam free throughout the city and like

like you know go into like markets and just start stealing fruit and people just treat them like flies hey get out of here you're crazy

and just like it's got four kumquats on it just run get out of here you crazy monkey and like tourists

have reported them getting their phones stolen oh they show this whole thing where like they'll take

it's phone like a monkey will take it's phone knowing that it'll get a treat if you give it back it's phone oh wow

so they've learned to like the synchronicity with these people and be like if I take your phone you just and the locals be like give them a peach give phone, you just, and the locals would be like,

give them, give them a peach. Give them a kumquat. I'm not even hungry. And I'm just taking a phone. Monkey's like, not ripe. All right.

Just hands it reluctantly. Yeah. I'm going to have to put this in a paper bag. This will be good in a week. Thanks. Um, yeah. I, uh, like, This will be good in a week Thanks Yeah Like is that an equivalent To like what we just have like pigeons Here or crows

They did a pigeon one too I think in France I think I drove past some Suburban Rabbits yesterday Wow suburban rabbits Outside of an Ikea Adorable Was there so many of them yesterday. What? Wow. Suburban rabbits. Outside of an Ikea. Huh. Adorable.

Was there so many of them? No, there were five or six, but it was on a really small patch of grass. I've been here for three days. I'm not kidding. Three nights in a row I've seen skunks. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Is that like a thing out here?

Yeah. They're that prevalent? Skunks and raccoons. Yeah. Those are our. They own the night. They own the night. Yeah. Them and like a thing out here? Yeah. They're that prevalent? In raccoons. Yeah. Those are our, cause raccoons. They own the night. They own the night.

Yeah. Yeah. Them and Gloria Estefan. Didn't she have something where she owned the night? No, no, no. Someone belonged to the night.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, but Toronto is the leader of raccoons in all of Canada. In terms of like just sheer. Yeah. So now magazine in Toronto had like a, like a story where like, you know, they showed a raccoon on the front cover and it's like saying, I think it's a problem or something like that. It's like an epidemic in Toronto.

Yeah, I was on a rooftop patio with past guest Ryan Beal and a raccoon climbed down on the bar and just started like eating whatever the lemons and limes that were in the thing. And the bartender didn't even chase it away. It was just like. Man, it's a living. Leave a tip. Raccoons like. They actually have raccoons from Toronto in the Planet Earth Netflix. Really?

Yeah. That's how prevalent it is. The. Yeah. Yeah. We got skunks. Skunks are plenty, yeah. There's like a, there was a story in that Now magazine where like,

they have different people talking about their raccoon horror stories. And one where like, she came home and there's a raccoon stuck in the doggy door. Oh, shit. Just like couldn't move. And the reason why is because it went in, ate all the dog food, got too fat, couldn't get back through the doggy door. Aw, I love it. It got stuck.

He's like, wait a second. Oh, yeah. It checks his stomach. Aw. Oh, no. Like a cartoon. Not again. Yeah, they have a cartoon problem in Toronto.

That's like hilarious, hilarious. Happens to a TV writer, like, brilliant. Just riding it down. What else have you been through, little guy? Any other hydrants? I got a great, hilarious story about this raccoon whose head was smashed by an anvil. What? So.

I saw several skunks threats since I've been here. Yeah. Well, skunks come out at night. Skunks come out at night. Sailor's delight. But yeah yeah i like walking the dog i always try to get the last dog walk of the day and before have you ever like had a moment where you like your dog was sprayed oh yeah really what do you do you live with it there's no death like tomato juice is that what that's that's a bit i mean if you want to have your dog smell like skunk and tomato juice. You can't do anything about it?

There's like shampoos or something. Yeah, sure. Or, uh, what do they call it? Uh, uh,

not. Biggings of it? Yeah, part, like every, there's all kinds of home remedies. What's the, uh,

like, uh, peroxide, hydrogen peroxide or something? Dyer dogs. Just a bleached dog. I didn't know your dog was going through a midlife crisis. Yeah.

Well, I did enter him in a billiard impersonator competition. Yeah, but then your house stinks and your dog stinks, and it eventually goes away in a month. Oh, wow. So skunks, they, they, uh, intuitively know that this smell that comes out of them is horrifying because it's a defense, but they also smell like that all the time. They don't mind it. Yeah. They don't mind it.

They don't mind it, but they know that other animals don't like it. I guess so. And they, they, if you smell a skunk, like I, I don't know exactly the entire logic of this, but you, if you, if you smell skunk get sprayed, that means you probably. Really spooked it, huh? But that means you probably have like free reign for a while because the skunk is gone. Like. What do you mean?

They, uh, if they spray, they're not going to be able to replenish that. Oh. Right away. So. Oh. They're not gonna be able To replenish that Right away So Oh Their stink sack Yeah They gotta get It's like a Yeah

So they gotta like I'll be back Yeah When I'm back Don't go nowhere Yeah When I get full I can do it again

You're probably safe For the next day From a skunk Wow But for them to do it You have to really Like spook them right Yeah

Really like Or just be a dog And bark at them Right from their perspective and not back they feel like they're in complete danger so they're just like pee yeah but it's like yeah it's weird smell though dear god but i don't i don't notice it as much as when i first moved here really yeah yeah like i'll smell it i'll know that it's skunk but it doesn't it's not that one of those smells well you also live uh between a tire fire and a marijuana dispenser oh wow yeah that's true wow i don't know how they keep that tire fire going all the time but keeps the house warm the uh um yeah there's uh in like chilliwack or something, like one of the places where they've got these huge marijuana farms now, the neighbors are like, it smells like shit. Like, it's like terrible.

If it doesn't smell like marijuana, it smells like manure. Right. And so their solution is to have these like giant scent cannons. Scent cannons? That blast Subway smell. Is that Subway? Yeah. Yeah.

But that seems like probably the worst solution of the 10 solutions that they came up with. Like just spray new car smell over top of a farm? Yeah. Yeah, because then, I don't know, does your brain just accept like, oh, it smells like vanilla? Or wait a minute, is that just covering up a horrible smell? There's poo under this vanilla. Exactly. It's never.

Can I get one scoop of vanilla and poo? You mentioned marijuana. What's the legal thing here in BC? It will be legal on the 17th of October. It'll be legal Canada-wide. Really? But the hilarious thing is that they, just this week, they said that their only legal brick-and-mortar store in all of BC

on the day that it's legal is in kamloops what yeah there's one like because all the dispensaries that are around they have to like get a license right so the re and they're they've all been such stoners they forgot that was today oh no October 17th this year man I feel bad guys I feel bad this was supposed

to be my job I'm taking a mulligan on this so the first so once it's legal if you want to get legal weed you have to go

all the way to Kamloops I guess so British Columbia yeah like they said they're not going to go all the way to kamloops i guess so british columbia yeah like they they said they're not going to shut down the other ones until they have the equivalent legal ones open right but in the meantime yeah the only legal one is going to be in kamloops

for now for now yeah wow but then, how far of a drive is that? By the way, eight hours or something. Yeah. Some of those like five or six hours. And, uh, the,

the, I was talking to a guy that works at a You wouldn't do the drive. No. But what a drive and what an adventure boys. Give me your finest CBD lollipop. Yeah. Get in the car,

Harold and Kumar. But like the government stores, they're going to have like 24 varieties of pot. But the dispensaries that are open now have like a thousand. Wow. Yeah. So like the government is like, here are the 24 approved versions. So it's kind of like how you do liquor here, right? Yeah.

And then it's liquor in the front, poker in the rear. That's the accepted government approved policy. It is the queen. This is a Canadian policy.

I'm pretty sure that's on the $20 bill. Yeah. Poker in the front, liquor in the rear. You look at it up in a light and that's what it says you know it's real

I uh I haven't I'm not a big pot guy but I'm very fascinated to how much money and

especially in America how much these states can make from legalized pot like Denver makes like a

billion dollars a year sorry Colorado makes like a billion dollars a year or something like that

oh people want it like it's like there's a lot of people who do not smoke it because it's illegal. Right. And once it becomes illegal, they're going to smoke it. You think so? Yeah. I think so. Not, I don't think it's going to become

like an epidemic or something, but I think there's a lot of people who are like, oh, I can do this and then also maybe not have to get checked at the border or whatever for the rest of my life, you know? Like, yeah. Although not the border or whatever for the rest of my life. You know? Although not the border. No, that's true. You don't want to go across the border with weed on you.

Because they'll take it away. And that's it. Get out of here, scamp. Take your funny leaves with you. I can take it with me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am I going to do with it? Smoke it, have fun. fun actually give me those uh dave what's going on with you well like i said uh yesterday i went to ikea and i haven't been to visit the bunnies speaking of uh like mcdonald's and stuff like

that i haven't been to ikea in years yeah it is i is. I think I made a, like a, I took a stand in my life a few years ago where I was like, no, no more of this. No more Ikea stuff. Yeah. Right.

That stand came to an end. Well, I had Margo's going into a, a big girl bed. Okay. I'm not going to drop a thousand dollars on a big girl bed. Oh, okay. I'm not going to drop a thousand dollars on a big girl bed. So, so Ikea crept its way back into your life. Oh, you gotta.

Yeah. I, uh, I had a, met this woman, went on some dates. She came over my place and she went, huh? I go, what? Black Ikea furniture, huh? I go, yeah. Every guy has this. Oh, really?

And I got rid of it all oh wow it switched me i was like you know what that's it yeah i can't do it anymore because it feels so standardized like every guy out of college or whatever has like yeah yeah classic balm frames or whatever and i feel like having been there having not gone to ikea in so. I'm no longer charmed by the like cute stuff. Right. Right. I just see like how bad it's going to look in a year and like how, you know, anything that's in the bathroom

will like, that will forever be my Ikea garbage can with pee on it. Like a few drops of pee got on it and now it's just, it's pee can yeah it's just it's where you pee now and you dump it in the toilet it's a whole thing and like oh and it was just i was i knew what i wanted i knew the like product codes i went there oh you went you went prepared yeah yeah yeah i i didn't i was like I'm not going in the showroom. I'm just going to the place.

Right to the market. Where you pick up the stuff. Give me some meatballs. I'm like, guys, what's your IKEA keto meal? So I, yeah, no, I just went to the market and they, they had everything I wanted except for the bed. They had like, there were like four things on my list and the bed was, it was in stock, but you had to talk to a person. And there was nobody there because I went there at eight o'clock and they close at nine and they don't expect people to shop there on Tuesday nights. So I could not track down anyone to get me this thing.

Oh boy. And I, uh, it's, it's, um, it's such an awful place. It is. That I like went to, uh, so I finally talked to someone. They had to get the bed and, you know, make, order it from a different part of the store. Right. And I go pick it up at a desk. And then I went to where the desk was and I talked to the lady and she said,

okay, yeah, we'll ring your number when it it's ready. And I went and I just like lay down on a bench and a guy walked up and this is how bad this place is. A guy saw me lying down. He was like, are you in line?

You've given up, right? Yeah. This place is so awful that like, you know, the people are, have collapsed in line. The last time I was in Ikea,

uh, I did go through the showroom, you know, you kind of get a glimpse of, well, that's what it'd be like to live in a, this, this style room.

In a showroom. In a showroom. Yeah. I'm watching, you know you kind of get a glimpse of oh that's what it'd be like to live in uh this this style room in a showroom in a showroom yeah i'm watching you know families walk through your house yeah sir please um but i always laugh like when i do the when i go through the bathroom portion and there's always a sign on the display toilet this is not a real toilet because i just picture they had to put that up for some reason. One guy just like, what? And the computer's not made of cardboard? You know,

like. Give this a, give this a road test. Don't mind if I do. Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville were in here and so we have to put up a sign.

The, is it. You guys are sitting in Ikea chairs though. Are we really? To point out. These are actually nice. Yeah, they're very nice. Well, they're black Ikea chairs are we really by now these are actually nice

yeah they're very nice well they're black Ikea furniture you would like I look back and then you're wearing like an Ikea like polo shirt

what the we are in an Ikea this whole podcast is in a display but it's Ikea will get it gets you through the

that time when you're like moving out of your parents house you're like I can it out of your parents' house. You're like, I can't find a fucking bookshelf. Like, where am I going to find a bookshelf? Yeah. Like, maybe you stumble upon one that's like left out on the curb or something.

And if you're on a budget. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing that as soon as you said like, no, like you made a policy, like no more Ikea. The thing that I thought that I did that was similar as I was like, no more hoodies policy like no more ikea the thing that i thought that i did that was similar as i was like no more hoodies oh you know more hoodies yeah at a certain point i was like i'm like it would be you know if i it was ever to work out sure but as a casual

zip up garment no i feel i felt like i was just like i can't do it anymore why what is it about the hoodie that you find it just too juvenile too sporty it's too it's it just like i can't do it anymore why what is it about the hoodie that you find it just too juvenile too sporty it's too it's it just like it felt like it's like it's something you do when you're in your 20s you wear a hoodie every day you got a bunch of hoodies and then uh and then eventually it's like put on a coat you know what i mean right like it's time to put on a coat a sweater anything but it's a hoodie kind of is like it it's too, you get too dependent on it. Right. I have owned one hoodie for the, like the last decade.

I keep it in the bathroom. Yeah. Because it's just like, I don't. It's got pee on it. It's got pee on it. It's like a communal hand wash. It's like our peak pee hoodie. No, I wear it like a bathrobe.

Okay. Because I would never, like I own a bathrobe. I never wear a bathrobe. Right. But like if I, if it's a cold morning. Yeah. Put on that hoodie. Yeah.

I almost brought a hoodie today. Well, you would have been judged soundly. No, I like wearing a hoodie, but there was just a point where I was like, I can't. It became a uniform for comedians too. Yeah. It became like the two, like how like sports coats in the 80s, it became almost like too typical. Yeah. Like, I think that was, I think it just became too typical.

Like the same thing that that one was like, every guy has this. I was like, every guy's wearing a hoodie. Every comedian. I remember being on a show, like everyone had a hoodie on. I was like, every guy's wearing a hoodie. Every comedian. I remember being on a show, like everyone had a hoodie on. Yeah. Like gray or black hoodie. And they're like, comfortable. I get it.

And then if it's raining a little bit outside, put that hood on. I remember there was been like, let's say the year 99 or 2000, Gap had this Green Track jacket And I was like I thought about buying it And I was like that's a good looking track jacket But enough time went by While I was considering it That I saw like 10 other guys with the same Ikea

Gap track jacket Ikea The Gap is the Ikea of Of clothes I mean H&M is sort of. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's true.

No more hoodies, huh? Interesting. Yeah. Like, I mean, I'm not writing them off as a utilitarian device. Right. But just like, hey, I'm going out. And Lister, you're not being judged. No, no, no.

You know, but like, I remember reading an interview with Michael Cera, and he has like a hundred hoodies or something. And I was like, are you serious? Yeah, and he has like 100 hoodies or something. Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's how he gets to do it with different characters. Well, this is Superbad, and this is Nick and Nora. This is Nervous Awkward Guy 1, and Nervous Awkward Guy 2. Yeah.

Yeah, like apparently that's what Samuel L. Jackson does with wigs. He gets a different wig for every character. Michael Cera gets a different hoodie for every character. Michael Cera gets a different hoodie for every character. What's his name? Facebook has a closet for. Zuckerberg?

Yeah. He's got the same clothes over and over and over. I feel also this is like. That's like Einstein did that so he has

more room in his mind for other things. Shut up. Just. Just like. I mean just pick a clothes. Like.

Yeah. Just like pick some basics and they all go together. It's fine. Yeah. But you don't need to like, well, his are all like cashmere hoodies. Oh, like high end hoodies. Yeah.

Billionaire hoodies. A billionaire's hoodie. Wow. Sounds really nice. I mean. I mean. Might get me back in the hoodies hey man like up until 10 years ago the idea of a billionaire owning a hoodie it's the one thing a billionaire couldn't ever own it's true that's true that's just a fact john d rockefeller never rocked a hoodie

i don't think i could ever go without wearing sneakers. Like, I know you cut out hoodies. I can't imagine not wearing sneakers. No, I can't imagine not wearing sneakers. Like, I still wear Converse shoes, and I probably always will, even though they're, like, bad for your back and stuff. Get an insole, man. Oh, yeah, that's probably a good idea. But then I'm like, am I putting an insole in a Converse? Like, who am I? A person who cares about their body?

What am I, huh? What kind of message am I going to send to people who will never know what's inside my shoe? They'll see it, though. They'll know. He's got a pep in his step. He's got insoles, everyone. He's not that happy. This is a city where you take your shoes off.

He's got gels in his heels. Get out of here. He's practically dancing down the street, this guy. Yeah. Yeah. So you went to IKEA. You survived, and you got the thing that you needed. I got the things I need.

I still got to put them together. Yeah. I've heard of people saying that, like, oh, I'm really good at putting IKEA furniture together. Yeah. And, like, some people have trouble with it. Do they have TaskRabbit here? Do you know what that is? Oh, yeah. I don't know if they have it here, but you can just hire someone to do your... Yeah. And like some people have trouble with it. Do they have task rabbit here? Do you know what that is? Oh yeah.

I don't know if they have it here but you can just hire someone to do your. Yeah. So you can like it's basically having you can hire people for

remedial jobs and just like can you help me move? Can you help me put together this Ikea furniture? Can you pick up this envelope from here and

hand it here? Like so you can have it's almost like having a personal assistant for a fraction of a time and price. So that's what they have it's called task rabbit. It's called a task rabbit.

So I had a buddy that did it for extra cash and he'd be putting together Ikea furniture daily. It's, it's, I don't know if I'm like, I'm, I do a good job, I think. Yeah.

Of putting the furniture together. There's no missing pieces. I take, I don't take too long, but I, do I do a good job? Cause it all looks like shit in a couple of years. Right, right, right.

Maybe it's the builder's fault. Yeah. I think everything. Ikea wise I put together. It's, it's the way it was supposed to. Yeah. Right. But.

You can only put together once. You can't take it apart and then put it back together somewhere else. Oh boy. Have you tried? I learned that the hard way. Yeah. No, I mean, it just. The wood you can't. you tried? I learned that the hard way. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, it just.

The wood you can't. I mean, the woods, that particle board. Yeah. Yeah. Just falls apart. Maybe, yeah, a plastic thing maybe. And, oh, we have a metal futon that's served us well. Yeah, that's true.

I moved to metal futon all over the city. All the Ikea stuff I bought when I first moved to California and even my, my first apartment in Toronto was all used Ikea stuff. So when I first moved to California and even in my, my first apartment in Toronto was all used Ikea stuff. So people are like, you can sell all your used stuff. Some guy shows up, someone shows up, just grabs it.

Yeah. Because they don't want to put it together as much, so much so that they were willing to take it used and new and put it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I would, I hate to put together some stuff. Like, ugh.

Especially even like a, like a nightstand, which is all these little pieces and. Yeah, I'm like. Gliding. Ugh. I, I, I, yeah, especially even like a like a nightstand which is all these little pieces and yeah i'm like gliding uh i i yeah it's just a uh time suck yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's not it's like supposed to be a thing that's fun to do with somebody else but it's not no but my buddy was good at it like you know he but he would show up with like a bag full of tools. He was like a handyman. Yeah. Like, where is it? I'm still picturing like a plastic bag. Like he's Harvey Keitel in like Pulp Fiction.

Where is it? He shows up in a tuxedo. It's 20 minutes away. I'll be there in 15. What, like, is IKEA the only store where you put it together yourself? Or like why? The Lego store. Yeah, the only store that where you put it together yourself or like why lego store yeah the lego store subway you kind of make your own yeah yeah yeah this jerky place put together my sandwich form task rapid

uh what's going on with you uh well, well, all this subway talk, I went to a place today, not subway, but the same philosophy of subway only with a pizza. Eat fresh. What's the place called? Uh, it was called assembly. And, uh, you go in and you, you, it's exact. They've got like, yeah, I've never, I've never. Yeah. Yeah. I've never, I've never seen a, make your own. Like a Chipotle.

Boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was great.

Oh man. What'd you get? I got, uh, uh, olives and mushroom and a variety of cheeses. Uh,

you know, just really simple. Yeah. And, uh, but like, uh, you know,

there was a whole episode of Seinfeld about how Kramer wanted to do this and it was such a bad idea. Well, Kramer had the people, like the people getting their hands in the dough. Oh, yeah, that would have been terrible. I was just reminiscing over when, I remember when Kramer got that garbage disposal in his bathroom. Yeah.

In his shower. Yeah. Come on, Kramer. What's going on? Get it together, man. Like, this is really good. Yes, I prepared it as I bathed. And I was like, it starts puking.

In the germaphobe episode? Yeah, the germaphobe episode. That's what it was. That's right. But like, anyway, so this is, anyway, that was just an aside. Well, for Margo's birthday, she said she wanted to go to a restaurant. Okay. And we narrowed it down to a pizza restaurant she's been to.

So we went to one. And where they actually will, they have like from 4.30 to 7, kids can make their own pizza. Oh, wow. Like actually make it themselves? Yeah, like put the toppings on. Oh, fun. And she said, no thanks.

I'm too shy to do that. Yeah. So where did you go? Did you go somewhere? Yeah, we went there. Okay, you went there and she was fine? She just had a cheese pizza. Okay.

I didn't know that pineapple pizza is a Canadian thing. I didn't know that. Why not? Why didn't I know that? No, why not pineapple on pizza? Some people really hate it. Do you like it? I like it.

I don't like it. No? Dave, you're the deciding vote. I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't say I like it. I'll like it. No? Dave, you're the deciding vote. I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't say I like it. I'll eat it. Too juicy. Thank you.

It's not even the flavor. I don't want an explosion in my mouth. Yeah. You don't want a flavor explosion in your mouth. I don't want a juice explosion. Okay. All right. Yeah.

All right. I think the pizza pizza start that? What? The pineapple on the pizza thing. I. All right. I think the pizza pizza start that. What? The pineapple on the pizza thing. I don't know. Look, we could relitigate pineapple on a pizza all day long. I know. You did two episodes ago.

Yeah. The other thing is catching up on my reality television. Oh, good. Are you the one? I've watched A very similar show Called Bachelor in Paradise You love this stuff huh? Or Bip

That's what the fans call it Bip Do they really? Yeah yeah yeah Do they say it out loud though Or do they just type it? They said The guy who hosts it said

You know something about it We'll be back with Bip Yeah Are you serious? Yeah yeah Did you ever watch This Week in Baseball? Twib. Oh, yeah, Twib.

Yeah. That was Twib. And they would have Twib notes. Yeah, Twib notes. It's fun. It's fun to make a thing. It's fun. But Bachelor in Paradise is basically, it's all the good stuff from that kind of show.

So they're in bathing suits the whole time. All the good stuff. Yeah. All the fucking and show. Like, so they're in bathing suits the whole time. Like, yeah. Like, you know, all the fucking and sucking. Yeah, exactly.

So like when you watch the bachelor, you're like, get a, you know, it's fine. They go on a horse ride or whatever. Let's go to Fiji. Let's get naked. Let's get into the hot tub.

And like, so it's all that. It's all that. They finally listen to the people. Like, I think they just want the hot tub scenes. Yeah. They were like,

we'll just put them somewhere there where it's too hot to wear pants. And if you do wear pants, you're going to be ostracized. So everybody's in bathing suits. And like they're having the men have like lapel mics, but around their necks. Yeah, that's right. Really? Yeah. Because there's nothing to clip them onto.

Tape to their back, the cord. And it's the best because they're having heart-wrenching conversations about why this is not going to work out. All in their bathing suits. Always in their bathing suits. Always. Always lying around on a bed that's on the beach kind of thing. I don't know what you call that. Cabana bed or something? Yeah, cabana bed.

Having this conversation about their future, it's the best. a bed that's on the beach kind of thing. Yeah. I don't know what you call it. Cabana bed or something. Yeah. Cabana bed. Yeah. Having this like conversation about their future. It's the best. Do you remember the first, like after, uh, it's because survivor was sort of the first big one. Yeah. And then a few followed and,

but like, it didn't seem like it was going to take off as much as it did. right. Cause the, the survivor was a pretty basic idea. And then there was like a temptation Island. Oh yeah. Where these couples would go to this Island, but they wouldn't get to be together. They would be mixed and matched with other. With other.

Hot singles. Horny, horny singles. Remember the one Joe millionaire? Yeah. When they were, it wasn't like he's a pretend millionaire. And see if you find out at the end if you actually do like him for who he is and not because he's a millionaire. Oh, yeah. And he was like a contractor.

Yeah, he was just like a hunky contractor. I was thinking of who wants to marry a millionaire. Oh, that was, what was his name? Rock Rockstone or something? Brock Tocton. What? And Darva Conger. Darva Conger. Yeah. Oh, yeah. rock stone rock brock tocton what and darva conger yeah uh he was a he was a a one-time

a stand-up comedian that guy the millionaire alleged millionaire yeah and maybe he'd made his money in real estate did you watch the first episode first seasons of survivor uh because i was just just now thinking i wonder how many of these people i could name oh oh none i don't care there was no jeff probst jeff probst naked richard hatch oh yeah there was colleen the the cute one uh who who uh ended up in that rob uh thomas movie nope rob zombie nope rob schneider yeah it was a rob zombie directed rob thomas did the soundtrack Thomas movie Nope Rob Zombie Nope Rob Schneider Yeah it was Rob Zombie

Directed Rob Thomas Did the soundtrack Rob Schneider Yeah They were like Truly famous That first

Yeah yeah yeah They were like Covered people And everything And there was Buzz Was Buzz One of them I mean

The fact that I Remembered when you Saw Richard Hatch Rudy Rudy was one of them And Elizabeth Hasselbeck Oh yeah From the view I mean, the fact that I remembered when you said Richard Hatch. Rudy was one of them. And Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Oh, yeah. From The View.

Oh. I forgot about her. She was on The View, yeah. And she married that football player. Yeah, Tim Hasselbeck. Tim Hasselbeck. Wow. Matt.

One of the Hasselbecks. Mark. Anyway. So what's going on on BIP? Well, it just wrapped up. And, you know uh there's like this this conceit that you have to believe that they basically that they fucked in the camera guy was still in the room and he just like was there when they woke up in the morning

you know like you have to kind of like you fill in the blanks like you have to suspend your disbelief and are they given like enough beds so they can like what's the bed situation are they do they have to sleep together no no it's not like do they all have their own double beds

their own king size beds so they can go back to their own rooms or are they sleeping in bunks when they're not having sex they're like they're garrisoned off no they like they're in some big uh uh resort uh-huh so everybody has their own room or whatever but then on the final show they're like are you ready to go to the fantasy suite so it's all this like very like so your grandma can watch it but they're like are you ready to fuck like and have the cameraman be there like right up till the moment are they like to fuck but in other places than the fantasy yes

but the fantasy suite on the other end of it the next morning you have to decide whether or not you're going to propose yeah Decide whether or not you're going to propose. Yeah, I'm gonna. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I got a little bit of the milk for free. I want to buy that cat.

But also, like, if I propose, maybe we get our own show. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I propose. Then we break up. Maybe I'm the next bachelor. Yeah, yeah. So at the end, when he gives then we break up, maybe I'm the next bachelor. Yeah, yeah. So at the end, they still give roses on Bachelor in Paradise?

Yeah, but it switches nights. It'll be the women's turn one night, and then the men's the next night. Oh, wait. In the regular show, there's one main object of affection who hands out a bunch of roses. What's the, so on men's night, the men give the roses to the women they want to stay and they're adding new to one. Do they each only have one?

They only, yeah, they each only have one and they give it to the, the one that they want to stay with. Maybe to go to the fantasy with. And, but they're every episode, they're adding new people to the, to the fantasy with and but they're every episode they're adding new people

to the to the stew so so there's always like you're like i'm with you but also who's coming oh there's stew yeah hey stew hi i i got here late yeah and so the the one of the guys showed up and he said to the camera, he was like, well, everybody seems to have paired up. So I'm going to go with Shoshanna and, you know, because she's the only one. Oh, no. Poor Shoshanna. Yeah. And she kind of knew it too. They, you know, didn't dissuade her from, you know, doing stuff.

Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody got some. That's the thing. Nobody walked away. Everyone's going to get some.

Yeah. Whatever sweet you want. So, and then they have the final, final episode. It's like it's in a studio. It's in a studio. It's in a stew? Yeah, it's in a stew. It's in a stew. Yeah. It's in a studio with all people,

I guess, who have watched the whole season up to that point, like as the audience members. Uh, okay. And it's, uh, they're just so they're like the most hilarious when they don't know they're

being filmed. Like they're, they're shaking, they're nodding their head or like, uh, no, you shouldn't go with them. And just very animated. And, uh, one of the guys broke up with a girl on that, on that show. So I think he was angling to like be a bad guy in a new. Oh, sure. A heel. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause these, like, it's what's happening. It's like a family. They keep bringing them back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. People you yeah. Because these, like, it's what's happening. It's like a family. They keep bringing them back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People you love. Yeah, and it's...

Have you always been a Bachelor fan? No. I think I watched maybe the first season when it first came out. I've never watched it since, but there's Bachelor in Paradise. Bip. Bip. So funny. Because, like I say, they just...

The juxtaposition between... They just boil away all the garbage you don't want to see. Like there's no going to meet the family. There's no, there's no, there's nothing, there's no pretense. It's like, you're all in bathing suits. You will be at the bar at 10 in the morning. You will be drunk by two. Yeah.

Bring a bunch of bathing suits though. Except Stu just brings the one. Like, brings jeans in the pool. Oh, no. Eddie Dillis-Saffi. It's weird.

I'll cut them. Yeah, so I watched that and then I also watched the last season of the Great British Baking Show. Uh-huh.

Ah, so nice. So nice. Yeah, did anyone pair off there? Imagine. Yeah. Do it with us. Fantasy suite. Yeah, fucked in the tent.

With Paul Hollywood. Yeah, it's the opposite. It's the opposite. It's the opposite. And like Bachelor in Paradise, very manipulative. And then the baking show, it's just people baking. All they're manipulating is sponge. Sponge.

They're making, they're making something called the clanger. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and it's like everybody cries when the person gets eliminated.

Yeah. Yeah. Great. Uh, can't endorse enough. Great Canadian baking show. Haven't seen it. I haven't given it a try.

Don't know that it feels like part of the thing that's so good about it is the Britishness. Yeah, that's true. Right. But yeah, it seems like it would be pretty easy to replicate. Yeah. Like get a tent. Get a tent. Yeah.

Although, where do you get all the hookups for all those appliances? I was like, I was honestly wondering that because there's a lot of like very nice, but they maybe shoot the drone shots separately

on the outside of the tent. The drone shots on Vashon Paradise must have so many drone shots. You'd be surprised. It's mostly just like

just upskirts. Yeah. Upskirts. Wasn't there a website for that? Upskirt.com?.com? Yeah, when I there a website for that upskirt.com.com yeah i was a kid upskirt.com i was a kid just like gopros on sneakers just like whoa look at that i'm not kidding oh thanks uh man there was a website called upskirt.com

i guarantee there still is and maybe someone you know is an investor. Oh, no. Oh, no. That has not gone away. No, that's, but you know what else is not going away? Bachelor in Paradise. My buddy is, I don't know not to be one of these people, but my buddy produced that show, Bachelor in Paradise.

Really? Yeah, Bill Dixon. So if you want to be on set set Or if you want to be a bachelor If you want to be a bachelor Yeah I think it's I think it's time They had a fat bachelor

Fat bachelor Yeah That could be my nickname Fat bachelor And like they You know I'm never going to settle down I'm the fat bachelor

Oh yeah You're the roses I don't want to talk like that But I think it's funnier I'm never going to settle down I'm never going to settle down. I'm the fat bachelor. Oh, yeah, yeah. The roses. I don't want to talk like that, but I think it's funnier. I'm never going to settle down. I ain't never going to settle down. Why would I go on The Bachelor if I never want to settle down? All right, I'll do it, but I ain't never going to settle down. This better not end in some sort of proposal.

Just hand him a bag of chips to eat whenever he wants. We're going to go meet my parents at the ranch. Ranch? Love ranch. So pitch that idea for me. Fat Batchelor? Ain't never going to settle down. Yeah.

And like it's so reluctant. Why do you want to be on the show, Fat Batchelor? I like sitting around in my bathing suit. Yeah, I like the look. No hoodies. No hoodies. hoodies oh man i would like to have a very emotional conversation in my swim trust i guess ever since mom died just sit from like a swirly straw into a drink never the same never recovered does anyone go swimming um

they they do a lot of like frolicking in the surf right no no like laps yeah

just get to know you through laps um everybody's in great shape you know they're uh that's a huge prerequisite

yeah the fit bachelor some of the some of the Some of the Bathing suits That ladies wear Are hilariously intricate Like they

They're like Fashion bathing suits Right They gotta stand out somehow I can't just wear A standard bathing suit And I don't think They're ever meant

To get wet Like there's Like I'm like I think they're made of yarn What That's what Body paint you're wearing Is that a burlap

Bathing suit That must itch Um Should we Move on to some What? That's his body paint you're wearing. Is that a burlap bathing suit? That must itch. Should we move on to some overheards? Yeah, if not business. Okay. Welcome everyone to the live wrestling spectacular in Los Angeles. So far, the world's most boring wrestling podcast has been destroying the competition. Isn't there anyone who can save us from this travesty?

Wait, could it be? It's Titan Fights, the perfect wrestling podcast. Titan Fights is here to save us from the monotony of boring wrestling podcasts with hilarious conversations. Woke trips through the history of wrestling. And joke about the finer points of people wearing spandex. One, two, three! What a match! And the Tights and

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Overheard. Overheard. Segment in which, you know, you hear those things out there. Funny things. And then, you know what? Sharing them feels so good. We always like to start with the guest. Right.

Eddie. This happened about maybe two or three months ago. I was in line to get coffee, and there's two guys in front of me. And one of them was like, I was just kind of in and out of my phone, and then i heard was well what are you gonna do for money and the guy goes okay i have to go back to djing that's my where i hope to end up yeah yeah yeah just like the idea like that's like fall back on dj yeah just don't quit your night job such a la thing to say. I have to go back to DJing or starting another clothing line.

Yeah, yeah. Such a ridiculous thing to say. Until I can get that job going as a web developer. I'll just be a DJ. No one wants Sites by Diplo. Yeah, I mean, I guess I know a couple people who make a living as a dj which is weird just so funny though like yeah the fallback plan is dj yeah i mean i know a few people who make a living as a dj candace cameron yeah pretty good very good yeah yeah yeah he's getting by Pretty good. DJ Daenerys. Yeah.

He's getting by. Dave, do you have an overhand? Mine's an overseen. This is some bathroom graffiti. Oh, nice. From the local park. You know what? Never thought I'd go into the bathroom at a park

when I had kids Yeah, yeah, yeah So above the toilet In one of these Bathrooms Am I pronouncing that right? Someone had just written in In a pen

Or in sharpie Trump 2 And then underneath Someone else wrote In pencil And I like the tone of this We need someone like Trump in Canada But with

Exclamation marks After Trump We need someone like Trump In Canada And this person is so confident That they wrote it in pencil Yeah The most impossible to erase This person is so confident in it that they wrote it in pencil. Yeah. The most impossible to erase.

Yeah. I think we do need someone like him. Yeah. Like. I don't know. The Mr. Wonderful guy from Dragonstone. Shark Tank. Kevin O'Leary.

Kevin O'Leary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said he was going to run, didn't he? Yeah. And then he lost. Yeah. He dropped out before he even lost. Kevin O'Leary Kevin O'Leary yeah yeah yeah said he was gonna run didn't he yeah and then he lost yeah he dropped out before he even lost

he knew he was gonna lose yeah um he's our most he's the closest I've ever seen to a guy

that's actually like the penguin like he actually like he wears like a collar in the winter like a black collar yeah

he looks he's like the closest human guy that I can think of. Mm-hmm. Like it just like, do a Batman villain and which Batman villain? The Batman. Yeah. I mean, I've seen a lot of kids who get like red around their mouth like the Joker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like eating a freezie yeah or spaghetti sauce um but uh

yeah what's kevin o'leary's deal he the way he got rich was he he made a software software he sold the company the company went bankrupt within that. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. And now he pretends that he knows things about business. And he gets to be the mean one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just because he pulled a fast one on somebody,

he's like, I know business. Someone who wanted to educate kids. Yeah. You're overheard. My overheard is I was shooting something for a television program. Graham's giving his cards

very close to the path. This Hours 22 Minutes was the television program and it was about dispensaries and so I overheard a woman I never thought I gotta hang out in dispensaries if I wanna overheard a woman that's i never thought i gotta hang out in dispensaries if i want to hear over her oh boy and this woman was asking like i guess that's the name of the game at a dispensaries you're just gonna have to answer a bazillion questions

if you're the person working there yeah okay because they just have all these different things and then you have you as the customer have to go in and say like here's the six things i want here's the three things i definitely don't want right make a magic potion for me and uh this lady was just one question after another after another and she then she boiled it down to what she, she was like, basically, I just want something that's not going to make me too silly. Well,

that's the opposite of what I want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she, like she, how do I say this?

I just don't want to be too silly. Wow. Wow, wow, ooga. Last time I, the stuff you gave me last time i came home with a bunch of joy buzzers

yeah dog poop i wrote a sequel to the airplane franchise very silly um now we also have overheard sent in from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at MaximumFun.org.

This first one comes from Betsy in St. Paul, Minnesota. Love it. I work at a natural history museum. I was walking through the gallery, and I overheard a school-age kid say, you know, I'm just more of a predator guy myself. Absolutely. Pray can suck it, you know? How would a school-aged kid know about Predator?

Well, there's a new Predator coming out. Okay. Plus there was that educational children's software that taught them about Predator. It's a movie like if it comes on, if I see 10 seconds of it, I

have to watch the whole movie. The first Predator? The first Predator. Donald Schwarzenegger. Yeah. I've never seen it. What?

Wow. I've never seen it. I've never seen it. I think I maybe saw the one like 10 years ago that had danny lover in it no it had uh maybe but it had like adrian oh that was uh yeah predators predators yeah yeah that first predator it's on yeah you're right if i see it i'm watching the whole thing because it goes it goes from like tell me yeah this is like because i'm pretty good at being able to surmise the plot of something having not seen it yeah i could not tell you what the plot it's almost like a horror story almost yeah it it goes between being like legitimately spooky to then hilariously b-movie back to legitimate and it's uh um arnold schwarzenegger and his band of muscly guys they're uh they're you know who are

part of the army yeah so they're soldiers for hire are they in space no they're on earth okay they they've they fly into the jungle on some some that they don't really, it's like a recovery mission. Will some of them not make it back? I don't want to spoil anything, but yeah, a couple of them don't make it back. And then it turns out while they're in this deep dark jungle, they're being hunted by an alien. Oh, so did the alien set this whole thing up to get them there? Was the alien pulling the strings

from the top? Did the alien turn out to be like the boss? It was like it's just it all. It gets very mysterious at some point where you're like you don't know what's out there. Did the alien eat them? No. The alien is a predator. This isn't an alien versus predator.

No, the alien is a predator and he't an alien versus predator no the alien is a predator and he's looking he's a game yeah he's a trophy hunter he's he's like gonna take it what does he eat uh he doesn't oh i don't know what he collects your skull yeah he takes your skull out of your body but like the spine does but does he do you ever see him eating anything no no no there's a scene in a Queen, but that's at the very end. I was wondering what that was about. It must be product placement. No, I don't know what he eats.

That's a good question. That's a fair question. But he does bleed green. Yeah, he bleeds green. Oh, so do I, because I love my... Come on, Dave. Come on, let it out. Come on, get there.

The Boston Celtics. Wow. I bleed green. There it is. Yeah. I mean, it took a couple beats, but it was worth it. I don't know why I was British. Yeah, British Boston Celtics.

I was going to say Manchester United, but I don't think they are green. No. There's very few green teams in sport. Oh, boy. This next one comes from Allison C. in Chicago. This overheard was actually said to me. I had stopped to pet an adorable puppy and was chatting with the owner. I asked what the dog's name was, and the owner replied, well, her dad calls her Tofu, but I think that's stupid, so I just call her Doody.

That's, which one's stupider? Doody's stupider. Doody's stupider. Tofu's a good dog name. I like that name for a dog, Tofu. Tofu's good. Yeah. All food names are good.

Sandwich. Yeah, sandwich. Lasagna. Turkey leg. Yeah. Turkey leg. Yeah. These are all great dog good. Yeah. All food names are good. Sandwich. Yeah, sandwich. Lasagna. Turkey leg. Yeah. Turkey leg. Yeah. These are all great dog names.

Yeah. Come here, turkey leg. Hey, pizza. Hey. Hey, pineapple pizza. Hey. Hey, make it yourself pizza. Yeah.

Yeah. Or pizza pop. Oh, pizza pop. Pizza pop sounds good. Pizza pop sounds a great name. That is a great name. Anybody out there is looking for a dog name if've got a puppy, or even a rescue, older dog.

Or child. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pizza Pop. Yeah. Pizza Pop would be a beautiful girl's name. Oh.

Yeah. I like that. Yeah. There's probably a kid out there named Pizza, for sure. Oh, yeah. There's probably a kid out there named the Joker. I just thought of that. Yeah.

Oh, no. I just thought of that. There's definitely a Batman. Oh, yeah. There's probably a kid out there named the Joker. I just thought of that. Yeah. Oh, no. I just thought of that. There's definitely a Batman. Yeah. TJ, what's it stand for? Joker. My parents are idiots. My parents, my mother, she gets really silly when she's high.

This last one comes from Channing W. This is an overseen. I spotted a car the other day in my work parking lot with stuff written on the windows, and the back made me stop and check it out. It said, proud father of 17 goldfish. Checked out the sides, and they said, honk if you love goldfish

and text, a phone number, if you heart goldfish. So... What do you think is going on? Yeah. If you feel that strongly about goldfish,

I feel like 17 is low. I feel like any kid could have four yeah it's yeah a kid who doesn't particularly care about his goldfish could have four yeah yeah 17 is like it's a lot for one bowl you know yeah this guy's an aquarium guy though yeah for sure he's an aquarium filter and everything that filter and everything. That's like a whole, that's a lifestyle, you know? Aquarium guy? Yeah, if you're an aquarium guy, like that's, you gotta dedicate a whole wall of your place to just being fish tank. Yeah.

You gotta like, you gotta have the thing that aerates it and all this stuff. Like you can't just have a bucket of water and then just throw fish in there. I mean, you could. Yeah, you could. You gotta have a, if you gotta. I'm an aquarium guy. Yeah. You can just have that. It's just aquarium. Like, I'm pretty sure you don't have fish in a bucket of water and then just throw fish in there. I mean, you could. Yeah, you could. You gotta have a, if you got an aquarium guy and just have that, it's just like, I'm pretty sure there's fish in a bucket. Nah,

I'm an aquarium guy. If you, if you go out of town, you have to get someone on task rabbit to put little flakes in there. Well, you're in there putting together this melm bed. Yeah. Um,

and, that's all the overheards okay bless us Dave Graham there's more and you know

there's more then why did you say it was it I was being cute and there's no overheards that are written in

you're very cute thank you there's people who call us too and you can be one of those people the phone number is 1-844-779-7631. I'm so mad at myself.

So mad at my brain for learning it. You got to learn a new number to knock that old number out. Okay. Give me one. Pizza73. 2737373. Okay. Yeah.

So one, ugh, SpyPod pod one like these people have hello dave and graham and probable guests this is claire calling from toronto um the other day i heard a overheard a funny conversation of a couple arguing uh and when what i heard was one guy said, patience is a virtue. And then his boyfriend said, you know what? No, it's not. And he responded, yes, it is. And then he goes, well, I'm not patient. Okay, off I go.

You don't get to decide what the virtues are. No. We've tried in the past to remember the virtues. I don't know any of the virtues. Well, patience. Okay mean i know the temperance uh oh there's one like piety or something like that plastitude plastitude do you know any of these no you know this it's the opposite opposite of the seven deadly sins are they related to the seven deadly sins like are they the they're they're not the though there's like they're the whatever the good equivalent of yeah but they're not like there's not like gluttony and whatever the opposite of gluttony is no starvation yeah knowing when to

say when being full can we name the seven deadly sins yeah i think rage. Rage. Wrath. Wrath. Rage is wrath. Okay, wrath. Wrath. Gluttony. Gluttony. Pride. Pride. Pride.

You know, like what's a horniness? Lust. Lust. Sloth. Sloth. Did we say pride? Yeah. Did we say greed?

No. Envy? Envy. There we go. Boom. Got them. And now the opposites are the temperance,

evanescence, aquamarine, patience, patience, portence, earnestness, and hygiene.

That's good. Here's your next phone call. I guess I was going to look them up, but now I won't. Hey, guys. This is Matt from Toronto. Two Torontos. I was walking into a Tim Hortons, and the guy's walking out with a small coffee.

He turns it around, or he turns it upside down, and it drips, as you might expect. And he says, fucking million-dollar company makes a leaky lid. How do you think they made that million dollars? Yeah. Huh? People buying several copies a day because they can't turn it over like a blizzard? I also like the idea that he thinks it's a million dollar company

like that's the biggest number yeah a million like a million dollar company has like four employees oh boy yeah the uh uh tim Hortons Forever was the. Is the name of my charity. They used to have those flat, like, old-timey coffee lids. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They only just recently switched away from them. But Forever, they stuck with the old-timey. Yeah, like the little, like, flat ones.

Flat, they peeled off. And the coffee would go all over your hands every single time. Yeah. Yeah. Why did they, I don't know. Is it just because Canada, is Canada less litigious and that's why they, we just weren't. Maybe they had to deal with the lid companies. Oh yeah.

Solo. So what is it now? Cause the, it used to be the kind you flip up. Yeah. So now it's just like the same as like a Starbucks. Oh, it's just like a sippy cup. Yeah. Huh.

Starbucks got rid of their straws. Yeah. Sippy cup now, right? No, they still have straws. They still are destroying the environment. I'll have you know. They're still producing more plastic. I think the states are getting rid of them, right?

Really? The sippy cups. We're getting rid of them here. Oh, yeah. They're going to be banned soon. Sometimes I'll be given a plastic cup with no straw, and I'm like, what? Wait a minute. This is made of plastic.

From where? Just like, you know, where was I? I was at some, you know, fast food-y kind of place, and they gave me. And then I was like, so I just, fast foodie kind of place and they gave me, and then I was like, so I just, no lid and no straw. It was weird. Huh?

Yeah. Booster juices use styrofoam for forever. Remember that? Oh yeah. And I'm like, come on guys. Like up until,

like, yeah. Don't you know, fucking birds eat this and then die or something? I don't know what styrofoam does. Yeah.

Are you mistaking it with uncooked rice? Yeah, that's it. People throw in styrofoam cups at your wedding. Yeah,

you can put your iPhone in it. Hey, you know what I, it occurred to me the other day, I saw someone driving around

and I haven't seen this in forever in like a limo that was just like had a bunch of like pom-poms and stuff after a wedding. I feel like I used to see that all the time and you were supposed to honk at them and there would be like four or five

cars with them. Maybe it's just like a like I don't know. Tacky? I guess was it people driving from the wedding ceremony to the reception? Yeah, yeah. No, it was, they just got hitched and they drove away.

But sometimes there would be like four or five cars in the. Yeah, they would all have them on hand. I do remember seeing that as a kid and now not anymore. Got a honk at those guys. And also the old. I never saw the cans going off the back of them. The cans I saw at my aunt's wedding. I never saw the cans going off the back of my hand.

The cans I saw at my aunt's wedding. And I remember thinking, like, this is like a Beverly Hillsbillies wedding. That they've got the cans in the string. But what the hell was that supposed to be? Clang, clang, just like bringing attention to the car, I guess. This is pre-horn? Pre-horn. It's got to be pre-horn. I was walking to get a coffee today with my co-worker

and we there was a car like a block behind us and it sounded rough like and we were like oh that car's got a flat tire that guy's gotta that guy's gotta pull over and uh we kept walking like two blocks and the car was what was driving the same speed as us. It was a block behind us for two blocks with a flat tire. And then we just waited for it to pass and we watched it. And it didn't have a flat tire, but it sounded like it was popping popcorn. Like it was going so slow, the hazard lights were on. And the guy, it was making the biggest weirdest like scratchy noise last time

i was here i took a car to go and i got a flat tire what happens when that happens so i was like some guy pulled up next to me hey man you're you're tired man i'm like i know i know and i'm just rumbling rumbling rumbling and i pull over and I look at the tire. It's like almost completely off. Oh, wow. And I called them and I was like, Hey, uh, your tire like exploded on me.

And I pulled over and just like, what do I do? I'm like in shock. She's like, yeah, just leave it there. She was so casual about it. Yeah.

Leave it. We'll, we'll get it. We'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. We got tires. Get back in one of our cars.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you do, just keep driving. Walk away, but if you want, you can just leave your rental running. There's a little money in my pocket. Here's your final overheard.

Hey, Dave Graham and hopeful guest. Hopeful. I was just walking and there was a group of kids playing outside having a yelled conversation with a kid in the window of a house across the street who maybe was in trouble or something. They were yelling back and forth at each other. The kid just heard the kid in the window yell at his maybe friends.

You go back to pre-k you're fourth grader that's the best that's a really good insult you fourth grader go back to pre-k you even when you were in third grade you were cool now you Now you've changed, man. Summer after senior year. Yeah, you stuck up fourth grader. Oh, man. I thought we made a pact that we were staying in third grade forever. We were always going to practice our cursive. That's why I never learned any multiplication.

Yeah, third grade. Did it ever get better than the third grade? I got so much detention. Did you? Yeah. Why did I get so much detention? I never did my homework. Yeah.

And I never ever did any, ever. Third grade. One of my memories from third grade was there was this kid named Wayne Kenny. I shouldn't say his whole name. No. He literally lived next to a cemetery. His house was full of cats. He's like a latchkey kid, but I don't think he was like-

Classic third grade story. I think he was like a latchkey kid with no key. He just probably had to knock on the door. Let me in. Let me in, cats. One of those old-timey keys knock on the door. Let me in. Let me in, cats. One of those old timey keys. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no.

So I remember we're all sitting down, and our teacher, Miss Koretsky, that's her name, not Gretzky, Koretsky. And she was like reading us something, a story or something. And Wayne Kenney farted so loud. And then he said, excuse me, which is,

which is, those are for burps. Those are for, excuse me, is reserved for burps. Excuse me, these are burps. Yeah. Farts are just like,

you shrug and you go, hey man, sorry man, lunch, bad lunch, you know? And he said, excuse me.

And we all start pointing and laughing at wayne kenny as you do as a third yeah and miss cretti goes he said excuse me stop laughing he said excuse me graveyard cat boy said excuse me stop laughing he said excuse me i just love like excuse me like no those are for burps. Pardon me, ma'am. You can't excuse a fart. We have to, I don't know. I remember, I don't think I was in this class.

Poor Wayne Kenny, whatever happened to him? I don't know. Nobody knows, man. In grade three, I remember there was a kid in my class. I don't know,

it wasn't my class, it was my friend's class, but we, but he, uh, had been like sassing the teacher a bit that day. And the teacher was like, I don't want to hear any more out of you.

Then that, later that day, that kid settled down. He got sick. Oh. He was like, he had to throw up, but he didn't want to bother the teacher.

So my friend described just like his hand covering his mouth. Oh no. And just every direction. Oh, no. Man. Like putting your thumb over a hose. Exactly. Just spewing outside the corners.

Oh, boy. Now you do one. Excuse me. I'm trying to think. There was one kid that I can't, for the life of me, is John something. I can't remember his last name. But he was that kid. Yeah. There's always one kid that I can't, for the life of me, is John something. I can't remember his last name. But he was that kid. Yeah.

There's always one kid. Yeah. Graveyard, cat house. Kid, dirty. Yeah. It was hard. Shoes don't match. Yeah.

And there was an old parent. And my friend swore up and down that he saw this guy's mom at a soccer game. You know, those big things of orange drink. He said that he saw her mixing it with her arm. What? With her arm? She like pulls her,

pulls her hand out. Left my watch on. That's rude. Puts her arm back in. Where'd that band-aid go? Like a giant tub. A giant tub. Like gallons and gallons.

Like elbow deep. No. Those don't come pre-mixed? No. I mean, this kid was very obviously lying. No. But he swore up and down. I saw it man

John's mom Mixed it with her arm Like she's a bootlegger From the 20s or something Ah I forgot my oar Is there a boot in this? Oh boy Oh that was fun

Well Eddie That's the end of this here episode Hey Yeah Thanks for having me. So much fun. Should we start a new podcast called The Weirdest Kid in Your Class? Yeah.

A new segment. What's the weird thing happened third grade? Tell me about the weirdest kid in your class. Yeah. If anybody has like a specially good weird kid memory, send it our way. Yeah. Yeah. The phone number is.

You do a show once a month. Yeah, called Cuck, a comedy show at UCB Sunset. We have great lineups. It's the second Friday of every month. And I got a fun podcast called Barely Friending. If you listen to that, it'd be great. Find that on iTunes, Spotify,

all that stuff. Everywhere you get podcasts. Everywhere you get podcasts. You get podcasts on Spotify now. That's great. Oh, hells yeah. You guys on there too? You guys are on there. Yeah. Is it great? I think it's good.

Okay. Let people hear you. Yeah. Get it out there, you know? Yeah. I mean, but like, is it great as a listener or is it, I feel like when I'm on Spotify, I'm like, I'm paying for this. I gotta be listening.

I need to hear these, the six Bell and Sebastian albums I like again. That's true yeah um uh we've already come back from our uh at this point yeah this will be yep we're back thanks to everyone for coming yeah shame on you who didn't yeah you know who you are you know now we can never go back to your city yeah that's it we had your chance to make us feel at home. What did you do? You blew it. And for the record, the six Bell and Sebastian albums I like. Here they go. The first set.

The seven. Oh, okay. Minus the storytelling soundtrack. There we go. If you like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

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