Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 553 - Jon Dore

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

Comedian Jon Dore returns to talk cyberbullying, haircuts, and hailing taxis.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 553 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's all cozy in his new home, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, we are in the, we've moved. Yep. We are now in a new studio. Do we sound weird?

We probably sound weird. The sound baffling is just leaning against the wall. It's not been installed. I bet there's a big echo if we're really loud hey yeah yeah yeah is that a traditional yell i knew i was gonna yell it i couldn't stop um uh and uh this is where the fan will go oh nice yeah that'll be nice oh that'll be nice uh very warm right yeah our guest today returning guest to the podcast one of our all-time faves that's him drinking mr john door is our guest i never know if i'm supposed to talk during your

intro i feel like i'm supposed to let you guys do a little catch-up. Yeah. You know? And explain the new house, the new environment. Well, because we move to a new studio every week. Yeah. That would be cool. That would be cool. The new studio show. Yeah.

Not expensive. It would be perfect. This feels right, though. It feels like it'll be a good studio. And, of course, that window. Well, no, I don't know. Because it feels like it's going to get hot in here, Moise. It's going to get hot in here. It does feel like it's going to get warm in here course that window well no i don't know because it feels like it's gonna get hot in here boys it's gonna get hot in here it does feel like it's gonna get more gonna solve that problem wintertime okay wintertime okay maybe though maybe not maybe not okay in the

wintertime let's wait half an hour we'll see where we're at we could be just sweating sweating and you know in our underwear just talking which i don't mind like the old days if you guys just want to get an underwear now anticipating how much we are going to sweat we could oh the chairs are leather yeah oh boy yours are well mine's not mine's a mesh of a mesh chair no but the bottom's leather feel the bottom no mine mine's really meshy bottom yeah we're we've got different different chairs and everything yeah it does look quite beautiful for the listeners. It is beautiful. Yeah, it's really nice in here. Good lighting. You know what?

I'll take a selfie. Good lighting. There's a lamp over there. So this table that we're at, we have two tables in here now. We used to have just one. And now I went to the same hotel surplus liquidator that sells old hotel furniture. And you can just buy tables

bottoms and bases yeah tops and bottoms tops and bases and combine them and I I found the same top

from the table I had bought like six seven years ago I was going to say they look identical identical yeah

both of them are yeah well well done David thank you very well done yeah and they have bed bugs. Oh, yeah. Everything from every hotel does.

but that's part of the charm. The tables have bed bugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they table bugs? What do you call them at this point? This is a bedside table.

It's a bedside table, hence the bed bugs. Do you, if your clothes get bed bugs, are they clothes bugs? Yeah, that's true. They are bed bugs,

aren't they? No, you're welcome. Do you want to get to know us? Oh, absolutely. Get to know us. Now, John. Yeah.

You recently shot a pilot in the face. Why did you do that? Well, we wanted to go somewhere else. Well, you said Costa Rica. You said that's not the flight plan. Bang. Anyway, let's keep that on the DL. Sure, you're right. This was in the parking

lot of the airport. You can't get a gun on a plane. It wasn't even the airport parking lot. It was the shuttle part. It's where you park your car to get the shuttle to go to the airport. Hey, are you going to costa rica no bang yeah solve that problem um so i don't even think it and yeah i don't even think you i don't even think they consider that murder i don't know i gotta be honest it's not a hijacking because it was yeah definitely not a hijacking but we'll find out what it is i'll find out soon okay this may be the last podcast

I do with you guys yeah for two reasons you have bed bugs yeah I may not be back yeah but also I may not be back

yeah because it may not be my choice that's like the the spoof version of Terminator I may not I may not be back I'll be back

but I mean I intend to be back I may not be back though um I may not be back. But I mean, I intend to be back. I may not be back, though. I may not be back. You shot a pilot for Comedy Central. Correct. And it's hysterical.

Too sweet. Too sweet. I forget the name of it. So it's called, and actually, let's just quickly. So it wasn't, it's not technically a pilot. Well, so originally we pitched a pilot and they said, well, let's make it a one hour, do two episodes in an hour and we'll call it a special. And that way it's guaranteed to air and we can get a little bit more money. Right.

To do what we wanted to do. So it's called big questions and huge answers with John Doerr. Right. Because we ask big questions and I provide huge answers. Cause that's the problem with the media today. I mean, they'll ask questions, but they don't go the extra length and give you the answer. Yeah. So I do this.

That is true. They do just ask a lot of questions. Yeah, yeah. They're being paid too well for doing too little. And so what I've done is I've gone out in the world, met with real experts. Not unlike the John Doerr television show used to be, but kind of geared towards real problems that the youth of today are facing.

So yeah, that's coming out on December 3rd on Comedy Central. So we're very excited about that. What's a big question? Well, there's many big questions, by the way, many big questions. We started out with several, and we narrowed it down to two

that fall under a similar umbrella The topic being The youth of America and how do we save them So one topic is Cyberbullying How do we stop cyberbullying forever And I've done it You've got to wait until December 3rd

Contractually I can't tell you But we solved cyberbullying Were you cyberbullied as a young man uh with the calculator yeah yes somebody said that you were boobless yes and it was i was complimented i wasn't cyber bullied i was cyber compliment oh yeah that you're a boobless and i thought i am working out this is good i was cyber complimented many times but uh were you guys ever bullied forget cyber just bullied i didn't have uh like the way that people you know say they were bullied john hughes film bullied or like i feel like there was a pack

of bullies yeah at my school they do roman packs yeah and uh murders of bullies at my school. They do Roman packs. Yeah. Murders of bullies. It was kind of like the bullies on The Simpsons, like the bigger kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't single anyone out. Like, I don't feel like I was personally tormented, but I knew to stay away from these assholes. Okay, gotcha. So, they were there, but you kept away from them because you knew the potential of...

Yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't like every day Dave's going to get... Were you a bully? Yeah. Were you though? No, I don't... You know what?

I was... Besides me, like when you were a kid, did you bully anyone else when you were younger? No, I just... Like, it's that looking back, you're like, I was just like in a bad mood all the time. I wasn't... I didn't bully anyone, but looking back, I was just mean to everyone for no reason. But I never bullied. I just made other people's life hell.

I always had to say something, and I wouldn't let anything slide. Right. What about you? Yeah, definitely. It depends on... Bullied? Yeah, bullied. But then also, I bullied my brother, so it all became a real we can get

into a whole thing yeah yeah but uh like what era are we talking like elementary school it doesn't matter because i think it i mean sure elementary but all the high school can be terrifying as well i feel like different eras uh begat different types of bullies okay so like when in elementary school there was a bully who chased me home like from school every day i've got one of these go ahead yeah his name i think was jeff he was like a man yes as i recall he was a full-grown man they're always that way they always have beards yeah i don't have pubic hair and they have full facial hair you don't have pubic hair? Not anymore. Who scared it off you? I don't want to get into it.

But, yeah. Yeah, and he would, every day after school. I brought you a bag of my pubic hair. I was going to be surprised, but now you've ruined it. Don't put it close to the bed bugs. Oh, no. How do you get that on the plane? Well, I had questions.

They had questions. They said, what is this? I said, have you heard of Stop Podcasting Yourself? They said, yes. I said, it's for Dave. And they said, shrimp car? I said, yeah. And they said what is this i said have you heard of stop podcasting yourself they said yes i said it's for dave and they said yeah and they said take it take it and tell him god bless him so i was coming from america but yeah so so jeff used to chase you and bully you on the way home from school yeah and did you really feel threatened did you feel like oh my goodness like this is terrifying i would be walking and he would come up on his bike

yeah and he would start like running his bike into me so i had to run and then he would running his bike and you he would follow me up against your leg yeah yeah yeah he would charge at me and then i would have to run and then he i mean he got massive amounts of pleasure out of this and was this at full speed he would run into you or like because as i recall it was very fast yeah he would run into me try to knock me over and sometimes he would sometimes he wouldn't but then the the follow-up was then i'm going to chase you the rest of the way was there ever an instigate like did something start this relationship did you instigate it in any way or or usually you don't no i didn't but he he had me pegged as like this is going to be my after school activity yeah is chasing this kid

around the neighborhood so interesting though because the bullies often become uh the bullied often become the bullies not often but sometimes they do um and i don't know because sometimes it's playful like i you said you bullied your brother yeah younger i'm assuming yes okay yeah it'd be funny if it was the other way around get home from school just so mad and bully your older brother you're in 9th grade he's 12th grade

oh you're so much bigger than me rip his Lamborghini posters off the wall I've had enough he drives a car to school you're like oh I saw you on the bus

loser while you're driving in with all the girls I had I have many bully stories I saw you on the bus, loser, while you're driving in with all the girls. I have many bully stories, but I can't get into all of them, but there's why. Why not? Well, we can if you want to. I don't want to take up all the time.

But it's not like there's no pending litigation. There's a couple of beauties. Pending litigation. Well, there's something interesting I'll get to, and I won't forget. We'll put a pin in that. It's my favorite Hollywood I won't forget we'll put a pin in that it's my favorite Hollywood term right now we'll put a pin in that yeah it's my favorite

term from the army is it pull a pin from that it's a grenade term I think I think you can you put a pin back in a grenade

can you put it back in can you put it back in well when I was in the parking lot on the way to the airport anyway you've grenade I brought a grenade I always bring a grenade to the airport I don't You've grenade. I brought a grenade.

I always bring a grenade to the airport. I don't bring it in my carry-on. I'll throw it in the trash outside. But I always bring it just in case something's going to go down. Pour out your Evian.

Oh God, I brought a grenade. Got to get rid of some marijuana. And why do I oh, my grenade. Yeah, I usually end up with a grenade there. My everyday grenade.

You got to bring one. You never know. It slices. It dices. Hey look, there's the Proud Boys. boys there's antifa none of us are safe all right we have to bring a grenade everywhere we go um but yeah so i was bullied a couple of times one resolved itself quite quickly but it was very terrifying but the other one was uh i was the i i so we were skiing and i was actually the victim. It was a case of mistaken identity.

Well, no, not even that. I was guilty through association. A friend of mine was making fun of this kid at this ski hill, right? And then the older brother. By the way, so far, your friend is a bully. Yes, he was the bully. Yes. No question. But I wasn't even there to see it happen.

I arrived back at the table and simultaneously, the older brother of the kid who was being bullied by my other friend, anyway, gave us shit and then he took off. Turns out the older brother of the kid that was getting bullied by my friend went to the high school next to the grade school I went to. But he then, so through association, I'm now the one, because my friend didn't go to the school I went to, I'm now the one who's going to be punished for his behavior.

Right. I lived in fear. I had to go to the bus stop further down the street. This guy told me every day, you're dead. And then it branched into his group of friends, and they knew I was in trouble for some reason, didn't know why. Right. I once punched in the face while a guy was wearing a leather, it was in the wintertime,

a leather, might as well have been a boxing glove. It was a leather mitten and I got punched in the face for no reason. Just walked up to me,

punched me in the face. This was one of the group of, yes, of this guy's friend. Because of what? Yanni. And I'm not even going to say

his last name because we Googled him and he went to prison and got out. But anyway, so I don't want to bring it up again. I'm not even going to say his last name because we googled him and he went to prison and got out so I don't want to bring it up again I'm this scared Yanni had a leather glove? no it wasn't Yanni

it was a friend of Yanni one of his cohorts one of his jerks one of the good fellas but this was constant fear I remember it was an entire year of worrying every day at lunch hour one of the good fellows you know um so but but but this was constant fear like i live i remember it was an entire year of worrying every day at lunch hour or after school is this am i gonna run into this guy if i see this guy do i have to run because i mean there were 10 of them they're

massive and i'm just this kid who's two years younger than them it was why it was weird he was in high school i was in the eighth grade he was in 10th grade that's not fair was it they don't care they haven't they don't abide by rules these bullies they'll do whatever they want they'll do whatever they heard about something that might have happened on a ski hill once yeah and it was something it was something like making fun of the kid who knows what it was but totally that was the case so part of me wanted me to present my friend to yanni and say just kill him and then let me out of this i gotta get on the number 16 at the closest bus stop there was a walking there was a kid same kind of thing that said i'm gonna kill you like he made it very clear that he's like i've i've got murder inside of me and you're who i want to kill and he had a tattoo and we were in grade nine yes and he had a tattoo homemade oh boy he's sticking poke

tattoo what is do you remember the tattoo it's just a smudge oh it was just a smudge it was like it was really really poorly scarier yeah a kid in his basement doing the best he can and it's just a smudge yeah this guy has no rules at home he'll he will kill you yeah and kill you by the way you know it's not death but you know it's not good yeah i mean i remember like i'm gonna kill you i knew that didn't mean i will end up dead when steve said i want to kill you i was like that feel like this guy is gonna kill somebody in his lifetime usually we were just crab apple fights it was the best oh yeah let's get into a nice big crab apple fight and try and destroy each other with either rocks or crab apples um but then it got to a point where yeah there was actual bullies i didn't like it what about your dead meat does

that what is that do you think you are actual meat uh no i think if you say if somebody said you're dead i'd think that was an idle threat but the fact that they went the extra step of saying, like, I'm going to kill you. You're dead meat and a skeleton. You're a skeleton. I mean, I think we all have to agree, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. In this situation, it's

you're dead meat. Yeah. That's more of, yes, I'm aware. I will be one day, but are you, oh, I see you today. Oh, you're going to play a hand in this. Yeah. That's when I got into grenades, by the way, in the eighth grade. But yeah, there was this other kid who was playing, uh, I remember playing, uh, I'd always go play basketball Monday nights at this gym.

And we lived in this neighborhood. We were not well off necessarily. We weren't poor, but we did not have a lot of money. My mother was a nurse, my father a teacher. We were latchkey kids. It was tough growing up, you know, in the suburbs of Ottawa. And so every Monday night I'd go to this gymnasium in this neighborhood and there were some kids there that weren't necessarily parented maybe as well. And this one guy got furious at me and rightfully so.

Like I kind of turned to him and said, that's not how you play basketball. And so anyway, he got angry at me. He was wearing skis. He's massive. He's my football helmet. Two, two. A cape and downhill ski. One downhill ski, one cross country ski.

I'm like, this is ridiculous. You do not have that is not how you play basketball but anyway no he pushed me and i kind of fought back thinking like i'm protected somehow because there was a ref there and the ref kicked the guy out and just kicked him outside to the parking lot to wait for you yes so but but so it's freezing cold he gets kicked outside in freezing cold like we're talking minus 20 it's freezing cold. He gets kicked outside in freezing cold. Like we're talking minus 20. It's freezing cold. He's outside in shorts and like a hooded sweatshirt.

That's it. Wow. And 45 minutes go by. I assume this guy's gone home. He waited. And so we got outside. He comes around the corner. If he's waited 45 minutes in the freezing cold,

if he wasn't angry before, he's furious now. Yeah. So it throws me to the ground. I thought, well, this is it. I remember telling my dad, look at, there's's a scenario this guy says he's going to come after me on the way to school like i'm done and my dad said well chief i think you might just have to take one this time i remember going no no no dad no that's not what you say to a son you you fix the problem he's like no i don't know what to do in this case i mean maybe you got to face up to it

oh i was terrified but i eventually made friends with him and it worked out that was a strange one really but cyberbullying whole other problem whole other different situation now how much are you allowed to say about the episode of the show um not not very much i know i think i can say just about any is this pending litigation as well i can reveal just about anything i'd probably steer away from our solutions to the problems just because right have two big surprises in our special. Like you went and met Cyberbull. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we can talk about all that.

That was the, because the whole time, like, did he know who you were? The Cyberbully? Yeah, the Cyberbully. No, because he's one years old you're talking about you're talking about the kid yeah the kid the youngest cyber bully no no no the the youngest victim is the one that you met but uh no that's a different episode that's the second episode that you're talking about oh i'm getting that i'm getting things confused in my head. Unless you're talking about an earlier cut. It might be an earlier cut where you met a guy wearing a hoodie.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He is a cyber bully. Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm so sorry. I thought you were talking about did I meet... You met a real cyber bully. At first we meet the victim of cyber bullying. Then we meet a troll, someone who deliberately goes online and incites hatred.

Yes, that's correct. And did he know who you were um or did he just think this is the same thing well so for the purposes of our show we i closed down all my real accounts because i was terrified because you go on to places like 4chan like you got these are this is where some seriously yeah demented people hang out that's where we Yeah. Yeah. If you want to follow the podcast online. Yeah. 4chan.com. Maybe. So we threw out our challenge onto 4chan.

Me, the character of me in the show being arrogant, saying, so I was a character. It was me. It was me more arrogant. It was a character. The character. The character, I was trying to understand what it's like to be cyberbullied in this day and age.

Because bullying, back in the day, as we were just talking about, is you punch me in the face and then you kind of resolve a situation. Like it happened in this scenario with this guy when I was playing basketball. It resolved itself. And it was kind of like, oh, we can move on with our lives. Cyberbullying seems to stick around forever. And so my character in the show is like, well, I have to experience this for real. So we really did put out these challenges and close down accounts. And then, yeah, this one particular, many people came back at us.

But this one guy in particular, yeah, he just ran with it. And he insulted me in every way he can. He found our password, which was not well hidden, but I thought it was, for our account. He went in and changed the account and hacked us and created new memes. And it was unbelievable. Yeah, he absolutely. And they were all real. Those were all him.

That was all him. And so then we try our production team tracked him down and said are you willing to meet and his whole real story is a whole other thing but he is legitimately a troll and believes that trolling is helpful for society like it weeds out the week and uh the trolls will one day you know try and that's because he thought he thought like this was this is comedy this is what This is what I'm doing. I'm doing a funny, this is. He says you have to be able to laugh at yourself. But beyond that, he really does believe in this equilibrium.

And in the, ultimately you'll find this balance in the middle of, you know, pain and like angst and anger. And he calls it Aristotle's extreme of means where it's, you know, you try where you find true virtue in the center, right? It's a balance between horrible behavior and good behavior. And then you find real kind of genuineness in the middle. It's a weird philosophy he has. It's weird that they've, because I don't think of trolls as having thought it through. Right. Oh, no.

And by the way, when we we interview this guy we make it very clear he not he has not necessarily thought all the way through but he has done a lot of thinking right his brain it was almost yeah he's a very he's a very different person than i would have grown up with i feel like in high school i feel like i don't know if the entire world is this way but he was very very interesting and. And the way he uses the internet and the way he justifies trolls online and their behavior, I don't agree with, but it's very interesting, that's for sure. So anyway, I take what I've learned from him, and then I figure out how to solve cyberbullying forever.

After meeting with someone who's the youngest victim ever of cyberbullying, a one-year-old baby, he was cyberbullied. a one-year-old baby. He was cyberbullied. So we spoke to him and his mother. He had very little to say, but we did speak to the mother. He had a lot to say. I just didn't understand him. And then, yeah, so then I present my cyberbully solution to a real panel of tech investors.

And, yeah, I don't want to talk too much about that, but it's a great solution. And some of them felt like we wasted their time and may have contacted our lawyers, but we'll leave it at that. Now, I have an insider TV question. Go on.

Did you like doing it? Was it fun? Great question. That's a good question. Is that the genuine question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you like doing it? Was it fun? Great question. That's a good question. Is that the genuine question? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about? I mean, did you like making the show? Was it fun?

For people who... Dave, people can't see you wiggling your head around like you're pretending to be an author. You're right. They know what you're doing. Did I enjoy making this show? Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. It was so tense at moments because we were really...

this show yeah yeah i loved it it was so tense at moments because we were really you know like it's not like we're ali g where we're exposing the ignorance of other people i'm presenting you're more of like the new show that's i'm presenting a big face i'm presenting horrible ideas and and and our experts that we come in they should look at my ideas and go that is terrible right and if they do then they are correct and then i look at my ideas and go, that is terrible. Right. And if they do, then they are correct. And then I look like the fool. And that's how our show succeeds. So, yeah.

But we're not trying to expose ignorance in other people. We're trying to. You're serving up ignorance. It's a reflection, really, of the Trump presidency in a way. It's like, this idiot, you give an idiot a microphone or any kind of power and he will have knee jerk reactions to situations. And that's what I do. And then the realistic people of the world point out all these mistakes and I go,

well, you're not seeing it right. And I move on to the next one. That's really what the show is about in a nutshell. Yeah. And you enjoyed it. Loved it. The,

uh, question to, did you enjoy making it? yeah did you like it would you want to make more yeah and what's your dream job doing this doing this totally okay yeah cool would be a dream job yeah all right i'm happy for you i hope you get to yeah david thank you i hope so too god damn it you're being really polite today i'm the nice one. Graham's mean. Yeah, I'm mean. Okay. Good old mean Graham.

Yeah, it'd be really great to do some more. Am I not? Well, I sent you the show to watch. Yeah. Do you like it? I haven't watched it yet. Oh, what happened? What do you mean?

I think you sent it to me yesterday. Two days ago. Two days ago. I don't know. You know what? Life gets in the way, man. No, I understand. So you didn't have time?

What were you doing? I'll be quite honest with you. Well, I'd appreciate that. Just a little bit of honesty. I've been very busy with... Yeah, that's why I asked. What have you been doing, man? Just making the show, making work.

The last three nights... Making the show, making work, and then you trailed off. What are you talking about? What have you been doing, man? I know what... I know. You son of a... You have not, have you? Did man i know what i know oh you son of a you have not have you did you finish the zombie joke you finished the zombie joke this is a this is a bit from 10 years

ago call back to 10 years ago um we'll let that be we'll let that be um no i uh i've been super busy like i know you just moved i'm joking i'm joking moved traveling the touring and then i see a question about it yeah has it been fun i'll be honest uh it's been stressful it's been stressful the last three uh or yesterday was the first night in uh the last four where i got more than four hours of sleep last night and just the first night in the last four we got more than four hours of sleep okay got it like so when you sent me that i had got just over yeah i'd just been just awake 20 i had no expectation for you to watch it anyway i sent it to graham but i guess you know if i was awake 20 hours a day i probably had time to watch it's weird you know it doesn't make a lot of sense you're right you're right you're busy doing other things you are not putting up you're busy not

putting up panels that's right on panels leaving up panels you That's right. Sound panels. Leaning up panels. You did lean up panels. So the panels are evenly leaned. I think I might need more panels. Yeah. You think so? Maybe not. I think once they're up. Sound pinging? Once they're up, you'll see.

Anyway, you know, take your time, take your time, take your time. You know, it's not like you've got TV shows to watch or anything. You know?

Was it a Vimeo link? No, it was a link right from the network. Oh, yeah. No, yeah. It comes right up. Can we watch it? I'm hooked up now.

Should we watch it? No, we shouldn't. I don't think the listeners want to hear us watching television, or do they? I believe we've done that once before, have we? With Alan Thicke? Yeah. I don't believe we've watched it. It was after the show we watched an episode that you taped,

and you quite enjoyed. Yeah. Are you going to be on any more episodes of Unusually Thick? Too sensitive. Too sensitive, Dave. Unbelievable. Are they going to keep it going? Like the Connors?

Like, are they just going to go on with the Thicks? What was the Connors? That's the Roseanne. Oh, okay. Because Roseanne's gone, so they're making the Connors. It's continuing. Because Roseanne died? In the show.

Well, yeah. Sort of Dan, though. Yeah,'re making the Conners. It's continuing. Because Roseanne died? In the show. Well, yeah. Sort of Dan, though. Yeah, but they brought him back. It's a very strange show when you go through the history. Yeah, that's true. Because Dan did die. Dan died in the show. Brought him back.

They wrote it as a singular joke that he says, she said, I couldn't get you awake. I thought you were dead. And he goes, why do people think I'm dead? That was it. They never explained it. That's how they got out of Dan being dead. What? Yeah.

I had no idea. I did not watch the new season. So that's how they got out of it. Why even explain it? Just go, he's alive. Who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was just like, that was a joke.

But in the original season, how did he die? Heart attack. So he was in bed and they had a very somber, sad episode of Dan dying? In the original series, yeah. Was he in bed the whole episode? No, the whole... Was he buried at any point? Did they bury the bed with him?

The last season... That would have been great if he was crawling out of the dirt like in raising arizona like at the beginning of the new series of the conners the last whole last season took place it was a fiction of uh rosanne's imagination so she imagined that they won the lottery the last original season the last original season in this new one. Or the original season. Yeah. Yeah. In this new one, the Connors. I thought the whole point of this new Roseanne was that people like that she's pro-Trump.

Like, it was getting that audience. But then she said a bunch of racist stuff online. Yeah, but they like that. But the network doesn't like that. So they fired her. And then I guess the rest of the cast was like, we're fine with coming back and doing a show without her. It's weird.

It's very strange. Do you think it'll be successful? Just based on the fact that Roseanne is gone, it's now called The Conners, there's clearly something missing. Sandy Duncan is the new Roseanne. Like, no one's playing Roseanne. She's just gone. She's gone. Sandy Duncan is the new Roseanne. Like no one's playing Roseanne. She's just gone. She's gone.

So Dan is now. Dan's going to have to be a single father to 35 year old kids. Oh yeah. You laugh. It's not easy. My parents are going through hell. Are they still married? Roseanne and Dan?

No, your parents. Yeah. They say they are still married. Yeah. We went on. Yeah, they're going through hell as single parents. Well, when they're not together, they go through hell. But no, my mom went, we were, oh, fuck, can I even talk about this? Yeah, we went jet.

But you know what? Put a pin in it. All right. And take it out and let's go. Oh, why the pin? You know what? I just wanted to see if it worked. We went jet boat on a jet boat adventure tourism experience in Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls might be the worst city in the entire world. What is, first of all, what is jet boat? Yeah. So whitewater rapid jet boating. It's like this big flat bottom boat. It fits about like 25, 30 adventure tourists wearing life jackets. And you go pounding through these rapids and they're, they call them class five rapids and class six apparently is unbearable. Class five is you can just kind of get by.

And you're going down the rapids. You're not going against them in a super fast boat. You are doing a little bit of both. It's interesting. It's like you're following, you're following the rapids, but you dip and they know the geography of the rock. So you're able to kind of navigate through them, but it's bizarre.

And the, the boat itself is powered by a jet underwater. There are, I think four, like four, 500 horsepower engines. So just like they can speed up so like they can make these waves feel huge and anyway it's it was a crazy experience and uh i don't know how much i can say about this i'll just say this a very weird thing happened so uh the boat ride ended and i turned to my mom and there was something not quite right.

And I asked her, you know, how are you feeling? That kind of thing. She wasn't answering questions properly. And I could tell someone was up and I said, mom, you know, where are you? And she said, she looked around, she said, I don't know. And then I said, okay, well, don't forget your glasses. Cause we made a big deal out of her glasses

being put in this Velcro pouch at the front of this boat. And she says, I didn't bring glasses. And I said, uh, no, no. Remember your glasses? And I brought them out, showed them to her. She didn't recognize her glasses. So immediately I'm like, something's screwed up.

We've got to pull this boat over. Right. So we got pulled over or whatever. Um, have you heard of this thing called transient global amnesia where people it's it's and it's bizarre the symptoms uh that she was showing are directly related to the causes that you find online like it's perfect sudden like uh anxiety emotional anxiety and sudden, if you get hit with sudden temperature changes in water, these are the causes. And it's weird, but she was stuck in a memory loop for about four and a half hours.

So terribly sad as a son to watch your mother in an emergency room thinking, oh, no, is it something worse? But then when she starts to come out of it, oh, hell, we had a lot of jokes. But no, it was fucking weird. out of it oh hell we had a lot of jokes but no she uh it was fucking weird so for four and a half hours she was stuck in this memory loop where she would say are those my clothes we'd say yes she'd say why are they wet we'd say you were on a boat ride what was i doing on a boat well we were on this jet boat ride oh okay what where am i i said in the hospital oh why are my clothes over there well you know why are they wet well we're and it kept going for five and a half hours it was like this constant four and a half to five hours it's this constant

loop i was going fatty i was going nuts she remembered you i asked her she remembered so long-term memory and reinforced memories like that are there short-term memory's gone like i who's the president of the united states which is a popular popular question you're asked because when i had my caesar that's what they ask you i asked my mom who's the president barack obama she says which is good we're almost like leave her there you know like she's in a better place like keep her here but uh yeah so it was absolutely bizarre and is dan dead on rosanne yeah of course he died he died yeah as far as I know. Is Roseanne a racist? What are you talking about? So what started it?

What made you notice? Well, so the first thing was I said to her, actually, the very first thing I said was, don't forget your glasses. And she says, I'm not wearing glasses. I said, no, no, the glasses you put in the pouch. And she said, I didn't bring glasses. But we had made a huge deal about the glasses prior to getting on the boat. So anyway, such a bizarre thing. So the more you research it and you talk to doctors and neurologists about it,

they all say the same thing. They're like, yeah, and podcasts as well. People have recorded their parents going through these memory loops and it is bizarre. It's the weirdest thing on earth. Did you think he was doing a bit at any point? I knew both of you.

I saw both of you and I was ready. I could have, I had both of you in the palm of my hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I thought, you know what? I'm both of you. I saw both of you and I was ready. I could have, I had both of you in the palm of my hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really, yeah. And I thought, you know what, I'm just going to let it be. I thought this was going to be

butt mustard all over you. I know, normally the phone would come out. Yeah. No, it was a genuine story, but it was totally frigging weird. Could you bring a good story,

like a funny story next time? Instead of just, well. Yeah, just like one of your fun bits. Well, I mean, maybe we were getting there I mean it may not have been

or you did interrupt and say I know but it was so long that's true it was long and not fun Dave you better bring the heat when we get to know you

I don't have anything yeah Dave what's happened are you upset today what's going on I tried to I tried to open up and tell you a story

about my mother it's a real story you know what it is it's called transient global amnesia look it. It's a real story. Do you know what it is? It's called transient global amnesia. Look it up. It's a real thing. People might find it interesting.

It is. But I'd love to throw some cold water on you right now. See if you find out who you think president is. Who president is. So it's just a one and done kind of thing? Yeah, transient is the best part of that sentence. Comes, goes, gone. Yeah, so nothing else you can do.

Give her time to recover. Still can't remember. There it is. Still can't remember that day. That was David, by the way. That was Dave. Oh, you guys, sorry. Instead of apologizing, he says, there it is. Yeah, oh, and I just meant the taste of,

and I can do it while I talk. It's amazing what you do. It incredible the guy's a magician um but yeah i did feel like i was setting you up for a bit but no i thought i'd tell a genuine story mother and what i went through as well because as a son when you go through something like this of course um it's horrifying from a scientific perspective you're mesmerized it's very interesting but as a son you're just taken on a journey of sadness what if mom doesn't come out was there any yeah what if she's in the loop what if i've got to move back to ottawa because dad can't handle this that's what i was thinking was was at the time an extreme sense of guilt because it was my idea but go ahead were the doctors like uh she'll come out of this well they didn't know at first we're still waiting

for tests so you're not sure because you're hoping it's not a stroke which is what it could be right but but it's so it looked like there was such a cause and effect you kind of want to rule out stroke it could have been whiplash a concussion so uh but while we're waiting for the test to come back this is where i go outside i have a mental breakdown start bawling my eyes out get on the phone with my sister like i don't know what's going on yet. Then the doctor comes back. Everything's fine. This is what we think it is. And then she starts to come back.

And I was like, oh, thank God. So yeah, then the jokes start, you know. And it's just great. And then I'd love to tell you some of them, but you know what? I don't think you've earned them. No, you're right. You really cut to the core.

You'll have to forgive me. I'm always waiting for that hammer to fall. Oh, goodness. That's no way to live. Well, goddammit, how have you been? You're here in your new house. You have a beautiful family. Everything's working out.

Everything's coming up roses. Did I have any family last time we met? You had one. You had two family. Technically, you had four family, including yourself. You had dog, baby, Abby, you. Now you have dog, Abby, you. Yeah. Now you have dog, Abby,

you two babies. Yeah. Oh, we do have you two babies. You two babies. We have a little baby Bono. And a little The Edge. Yeah.

I don't know the names of your children because they don't keep up. Bono and The Edge. Margo and Poppy. There we go. Yeah. They are girls. Mm-hmm. And,

well, I'm raising them as girls anyway. Yeah, we'll find out. Yeah, that's true. You never know. What is going on with you, Dave? Well, we're in the middle of this move. We're mostly done. Uh-oh, here comes the light. And it looks, the place

looks nice. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're very thrilled with it. Okay. John's found his phone. It's actually a gorgeous house. I absolutely love it. What's your chart on that phone? Can we give out the address?

Can we give out the address? It is good. No, people have to come see this place. Oh, I went through my Google history the other day. And? Not good. Your history of things you've Googled? Yes. Well, it's just coincidentally. Oh, I went through my Google history the other day. Uh-huh. And? Not good. Your history of things you've Googled?

Yes. Well, just coincidentally, I was like, oh, God, what have I Googled? I'm like, oh, good. No one can see this. What came up a lot was how to remove acetaminophen from oxycodone. That's not good. You use a cyclotron? What do you use?

What do you use? I haven't tried it because it would waste too much. Did you accidentally spill a bunch into each other? No, I didn't attempt it because I don't want, I shouldn't even tell people, but essentially it involves bringing water almost to a boil,

mixing it in, and pouring it through a coffee filter, and the acetaminophen stays in the filter. But you waste too much of the oxycodone. There's oxycodone in acetaminophen? Oxycodone is like, you can get like 10 milligrams oxycodone and it's combined with 325 milligrams of acetaminophen. But too much acetaminophen will ruin your liver, David.

Oh, okay. What are you, a drug addict or what? That's why you just do the oxy. Well, you want to. Well, hopefully you want to get oxycodone. Oxycodone and oxycontin. Very different. Really?

Yes. Yeah. What about oxy-5? Oxy-5? Was that a clean? Yeah. Str different. Really? Yes. Yeah. What about Oxy5? Oxy5? Was that a clean? Yeah. Stridex pads? Yeah.

What about those? Yeah. You just eat those whole. Yeah. Delicious. That worked. It worked about as well as rubbing them on my face. You guys having fun using the washrooms these days?

The public washrooms? David? Yeah. What about them? No. Are you having fun using them these days they're pretty fun what did you do i'm just having a ball man trying to live life up i've had a couple seizures saw my mom potentially go into a memory spiral i'm like time to live it up yeah so every moment of every day i was in the washroom at the pub just around the corner from your place here i won't name it because people know the vicinity you're in and then they'll come try and hunt you down but um yeah so i went in the washroom and uh this is how i have fun in the washroom now i will people hate it but it's really fun i always pretend that i'm an employee on the

death star uh and i'm at the the urinal and someone else will walk up to the urinal. And I will do this. I will turn to them and I'll say, brutal, huh? They usually say nothing. And I say, so you think we're going to finish this thing on time? Fully operational or what? They still say nothing. And then when they leave, you just say, I'm reporting you to Lord Vader. They still don't know what's going on.

But when you're walking through the bar and you see them and they're talking about you you go oh does someone know someone on alderaan and you just have a blast with it so that's what i've been doing lately i like that you said uh you're pretending that you're an employee on the death star i never thought of those people as employees well they would have they were they would have to use the washroom at one point yeah well and but like i probably overworked i i just don't think, like, do they get time off? Do they collect a paycheck? Is it a good job? I think it was probably the best job going in the Galaxy Firefighter.

Or are you, like, a soldier? Are you just, like, drafted into it? Interesting. Well, the world they present, well, what was the most recent Star Wars? Han Solo? Was it called han solo yeah it was called oh you know i didn't see that one it was the one before that where they were gambling on they released all the quote-unquote horses that were uh gambling they were gambling on space horses space horses yeah they were gambling on you see that one it looked like that was like a rich civilization of some kind which would look like okay there's planets that

have money and they're gambling and they have a casino right so that was interesting the weirdest thing i have it was the one it was the star wars where luke skywalker uh took the breast milk of a sea monster and then drank it did you see that i have not seen this movie it is the weirdest moment did you did you see it i i intended to i haven't gotten around to it i have a big long list of things to watch including your pilot i'm not ruining anything by telling you this was the weirdest scene i've ever but why what would so they had they were i think they had to show how he's surviving on this island and how what he's willing to do to survive on this island and uh so the young uh uh jedi is following him around and they show these two sea monsters with massive kind of lactating you know nipples hanging down and he walks up to one and he squeezes it into a futuristic baby bottle and then he stares at her and goes and he squeezes some into his mouth and then he's off to

do because he's so he's so energized or he has diarrhea it's really weird yeah and he must be veget they have a they're there's a real vegetarian uh strain running through it an An anti-meat. Because Chewbacca or it might not be him, it's a Wookiee, but I think it's Chewbacca. It could be Lobaca. Yeah. Cooks one of the birds on the island, kills two of them and cooks two of them to eat them, as you do

to survive as a carnivore. And then when he's about to eat the bird, a few of the live birds come up with these big eyes and they start making sad noises. And then he chooses not to eat it after he's already killed it. Yeah. Yeah. Might as well eat the thing.

Yeah. And he's more of a dog than a, he's not a person. Yeah. He's a, he's like a dog. Anyone can eat meat on that show. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if Luke Skywalker can eat sea monster lactating milk tit water juice.

No, milk. I had it. Milk tit water juice. Milk tit water juice. That was my favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers. Milk tit water juice. Milk tit baby. Milk tit sex water juice.

That song would have made the scene great in Star Wars. water juice that song would have made the scene great in Star Wars but how much Red Hot Chili Peppers

was there in the last Star Wars that you saw I think they only did seven songs that's crazy they're losing

their way I swear as I'm concerned in Star Wars movies yeah yeah yeah because they don't have enough Red Hot Chili Peppers

not enough flea what are your top Red Hot hot chili pepper songs i don't even know if i could name them i could probably sound them out uh-huh what are your give me your top three okay because they're probably mine uh let's tell you right now i'm not a i was not a fan i was not a huge fan yeah uh i always enjoyed them i like them but i don't i like that song aeroplane aeroplane's a nice song. How's that one go?

Sing it, Dave. I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane. It's my aeroplane. Okay, yeah, yeah. Let's see. Yeah, let's all go around and do one. What's the one in the car? They're driving through the desert in the car in the video.

Oh, um. Mew, mew, mew. A lot of slide guitar? I don't know. Maybe that's not the one I'm thinking of then. But the one with a lot of the bass. Here's another. Here's one.

That's the one. That's the one? No, it's Give It Away Now. That's Give It Away Now. Give it away, give it away, give it away, you know. Give it away, give it away, give it away. That's a pretty Away Now. Give it away, give it away, give it away now. Give it away, give it away, give it away now. Give it away now. That's a pretty good one.

Yeah. Give It Away Now is a good one, yeah. Okay. Let's start going through our favorite Van Halen song, starting with David. I gotta go Eruption. Oh. Just Eddie solo. Redefining the instrument.

Right. Yeah. We'll play with his back to the crowd panama one of theirs yep yeah panama i'm gonna go with panama i'm gonna go with that chili peppers cover they did what was that called again give it away now give it away give it away give it away now that was a good one um so dave what is going on with you So Dave, what is going on with you? This move is going.

I'm constantly distracted by too many things to do. I look to my left. The doctor asked me if I had active diarrhea. And you said? No, what do you mean active diarrhea? Let's be honest here. I just sit there. It's either, do you mean diarrhea? Like, do we all have diarrhea?

It's just dormant sometimes? Active diarrhea is the weirdest thing. It's the most do you mean diarrhea? Like, do we all have diarrhea? It's just dormant sometimes? Active diarrhea is the weirdest thing. It's the most unnecessary thing ever, isn't it? I caught him on the second time. I'm like, what do you mean active? And he said, well, not passive. He just said, when you have diarrhea, have you had diarrhea in the past week?

I'm like, no, relax. Jesus. Yeah. Who are you? Why are you asking so many questions yeah what's the fucking questions asshole these doctors are nosy as hell man they'll ask you everything you do drugs what do you care man yeah you get out of my face bro yeah yeah yeah yeah every two hours when when they come in and give them to me yeah other than that

jeez but dave you were saying before i interrupted with my active diarrhea yeah was this at the one of your seizure uh i may have a seizure i don't know oh no that uh yeah when i talked to the doctor about it yeah yeah it was after my second seat did you think maybe it was a seizure caused by diarrhea they were trying to figure out just where i think they wanted to gauge you know everything about me what is going on with you what makes you tick um yes that's what they had a what what makes you tick session with me yeah yeah i don't know if we're gonna get to it um uh yeah um you know what i'm gonna cut my hair tomorrow oh yeah i haven't cut my hair in a really long time yeah it looks i think it looks good man yeah this is gonna be a tough do you are you apprehensive and at all no i usually have short hair and i just grew it out for like eight months i like it uh but you know what it is it's the thing of when i'm driving and i have to like turn in traffic or

like look over my shoulder it just float like i don't like feeling it kick in the back of my head you don't wow well what's the what's it made what's it well what's the problem with it? What do you mean? It's not hurting you. No, I just don't. I feel like it's too much. Yeah, no. This is like, you know, the early Oasis. Like, this is good.

You're like a rock star doing a shoulder check in a blind spot. Well, rock stars don't shoulder check. That's true. You're right. And it just takes too long to dry. They never used to, but now they do. Oh, that could be it too. I don't know. I gotta say I like it, David. Well, thank you, John. I might do a quick little trim with the razor.

Say, hey, maybe a little trim with the razor. Thin it out here or there. I like the length of it. You never had long hair, did you? Couldn't do it. It's too thick. It's a mess. Yeah, I tried. It's just a big... Too much volume? It's a mess. It's just thick and gross like out and it never hung down i always wanted straight hair i never had straight hair thick

curly hair yeah yeah oh you your hair is long my hair is long you're a mountain man yeah yeah any what about you are you ever going to clean it up yeah eventually are you committed to this i've committed to it to a certain extent but right what would what would it take you to to cut it all off for for people who don't know and everyone does know but you are a mountain man yeah you're like duck dynasty to cut everything off yeah like hair like short hair no beard like uh someone who uh went on jenny jones and their mom made them have a makeover. I think I want to, you know, when I'm done with all the showbiz pursuits, that's when.

Shave everything off and just disappear into the woods. So this is related to, whoa, whoa. Disappearing into the woods would cause you to clean up. Yeah. So the showbiz, why the beard and the long hair for the showbiz? I don't know. There's got to be a reason.

Maybe I don't understand show business. Yeah. Is that's possible yeah yeah yeah i don't know anything anymore i am so i was watching i haven't watched much tv like uh lately and the only thing i've watched in the last few months is this it's called manhunt the search for ted kaczynski or search for the unabomber oh yeah yeah it was on netflix and it's like uh it's a uh is it from the 90s no it's new it's and it's scripted i think i've seen it yeah and it's got uh paul bettany is the unabomber i don't know that he's uh he's the like super pale guy who's in everything powder oh powder what was he in he was in uh the casper the heath ledger um night movie night movie with heath ledger it was a dark night a night's tale oh night's tale

oh i don't remember he was in uh doesn't matter the da vinci code was it good he's he's great no and how many part series is it it's like eight okay i feel like i may have seen this yeah it's what i'll say is it's not great because uh like i feel like everything nowadays because we're in the golden age of tv sure everything is great but uh or there's like a case to say everything's great yeah but i don't think this was great uh and the problem for me was that so much of his like the guy who tracked down the unabomber was a linguist right and it's all based on like the the words he uses and different accents that people have but it's all just british people pretending to be american the whole show right so none of it or like uh i think the guy chasing him is australian pretending to

be american his partner's the girl from whale rider man this is nothing about anything yeah this is a who's who of people i don't know the pale person from the night with the heath and then the person from the whale i have no idea but that's fine well the guy chasing him is the guy from avatar try to name him oh jeremy renner was he even in avatar um oh what was his name yeah right because he was also in the here we go terminator let's stop talking this is the worst thing to listen to that took place in the future right the one that had christian bale in it he was the he was john connor in the future and uh that guy avatar played a robot yeah but he didn't know he was a robot for those of you learning english from this podcast good luck to you yeah the uh here's a great one for you though uh great movie just saw it on amazon um it is

called uh uh american animals have you heard of this movie no it's about the heist uh uh true based on a true story about the biggest book heist i believe it was the the most expensive book heist in american history what's a book heist they still well what do you think it is well so valuable books so valuable books were stolen and it's a coming of age story it's a book heist? Well, what do you think it is? So, valuable books. So, valuable books were stolen. And it's a coming-of-age story. It's a story about morality. It has everything in it. It also shows the

real-life people, and they incorporate it into the actual narrative dramatic storyline. It's great. Is it like how they put those real-life people in that Clint Eastwood movie on the train? Oh, yeah. Clint Eastwood people on a train.

Did you hear about that? No. Where he cast the real people from an incident. Oh, sorry. The train in Paris? Yeah. Something, something to Paris. Oh, so wait.

The Marine and the... Yeah. They were the real guys? Yeah. In the movie. Yeah. Oh, were they good at it? No. Apparently they were not good actors.

I haven't seen the movie, I don't know. But all the real actors... Hard to criticize these heroes, isn't it? It's true. They were fine. I think the critics had to say, heroism aside, we love these guys. We all love these guys, but...

What were they bringing to the table? Now I have to see it. Yeah. I have to see it. But they're all acting opposite like... Actors? But comedy actors for some reason. Oh.

Like Judy Greer and Thomas Lennon and Jenna Fisher are all in it. But I think they all have to be dramatic. Huh. This is really interesting now why why why would that choice be made i wonder i don't think clint eastwood follows comedy yeah oh yeah i think it was really just this guy's pretty good yeah you know he wears short shorts in reno 911 look at if he's involved with the police i like it let's get him in here the uh look at if he's involved with the police i like him let's get him here the uh clint eastwood uh he directed unforgiven yeah and i know people who worked on that movie right and they said that he

was uh he was the most intense dude that you'll ever meet right and that if something was if people were carrying on on set he didn't he never yelled he was always the same keel but if he was sitting there kind of like chewing on a straw yeah you knew he was pissed like yeah crazy like and then all of a sudden it would just the whole set would go quiet because they were like oh clint's pissed yeah he's he's eating a straw again he's over in his corner eating his straw yeah but imagine that kind of power just eating a straw that's what i feel around dave oh my god which one am i no just sometimes sometimes i'll look over at dave and he'll just he'll just be like twisting a little bit of his mustache i'll be like oh fuck here we go we're all dead in about five seconds and then you'll usually chime in and he'll change i'm like

oh thank god it's like eastwood chewing a straw by the way did eastwood also direct unforgiving yeah yeah he's gonna stop directing and being in these films maybe just maybe maybe i don't Eastwood chewing a straw. By the way, did Eastwood also direct Unforgiven? Yeah. He's got to stop directing and being in these films. Maybe. Just maybe. Maybe. I don't know for sure. That one was good, right?

Unforgiven was great. So they say. I don't watch any of these things. There was one I got in trouble for the other day because I hadn't seen it. Tombstone. I've never seen. That one's fun. I was yelled at.

I was yelled at. Who's in that? Val Kilmer. Sharon Stone? No, that's The Quick and the Dead. Val Kilmer and Kurt Russell. I don't at. I was yelled at. Who's in that? Val Kilmer. Sharon Stone? No, that's the Quick and the Dead. Val Kilmer and Kurt Russell. I don't know. I've never seen it, right?

It's just one of those ones that escaped me. Two people just like, what are you talking about? Impossible. I don't believe you haven't seen it. No, I have not seen it. They couldn't believe it. I don't like horse movies. No? I don't like horse movies.

I don't like westerns. I don't like the idea of sleeping out. I don't like even Back to the don't like horse movies. I don't like westerns. I don't like the idea of sleeping out. Sleeping out like under the stars. Even Back to the Future 3 when Michael J. Box wakes up. It's a turn off. You probably have a thousand scorpion bites. I don't like it when Jackie Chan

and Owen Wilson are carrying on. Not a fan either. You need a house with insulation. I don't like anything where people could have been bitten by a spider. I don't like it. Like those. And did you know the Stetson? The hat.

The Stetson cowboy hat. Yeah. I don't know why it was. So the Stetson hat to this day is just so well made that you can feel. This was always cowboys would use their hats so that their horses could drink from them which i did not know until quite recently i saw an advertisement for a stetson hat and it's so woven well that it will actually hold water so you get to a creek after a long day and you find some water and then your horse drinks out of your hat and you put it back on your head

i just thought that's disgusting all the horse spit just yes i'm like yeah and then when they put it on it's like oh now you're covered with horse spit and ticks and i don't like it at all i mean look at what our forefathers had to do to get us here thank you but it's just disgusting let's not think about it let's not remind people of it graham what's going on with you? Not too much. You've seen Tombstone? I have seen Tombstone. And I like Westerns. Because, I don't know, I enjoy the escapism of them.

But, you know, I wouldn't want to live in a Western, but I like watching them. I don't know, I find them, anyway. But I see what you guys are saying. Like, I feel like if you had a bad tooth in the old West, that was the end of you. Yeah. You know what? You're right. It's not just Westerns.

It's actually anything like, yeah. 1700s. Forget it. Yeah. I just can't. I can't imagine living in that time without Novocaine. Yeah. Or anything to put you out when you went to the dentist.

Forget it. Yeah. And I think like your teeth would just kind of fall out of your head eventually. I wonder if they knew about baby teeth or if they were like, Oh, it's a witch. I guess they knew about it, but if they knew about it,

you lose your first set of teeth and then you lose your second set of teeth. Yeah, and then they just wait for your third set to come in. called meth addicts yeah yeah yeah same thing happens today it's just more fun yeah yeah methamphetamine so what how are you graham we didn't get interrupted with tombstone here's the thing is our city we don't have as you probably found out when you were at the airport we don't have uh uber we don't have any of these ride hailing services yeah and so uh you have to take a cab no no you do have a ride hailing service yeah you don't have a ride sharing that's right i don't have a what do i have a road you have a ride hailing service you have a cab yeah yeah so i i but it doesn't feel like ride sharing because the driver's never

like i was going there anyway yeah what in the ubers yeah yeah it's uh but i like i've only been in two or three ubers right right and uh the uber do you go in them all the time yeah because i don't drive because of my caesars but anyway yeah the uh so like the thing that's good about an uber is if you call one and then it shows up you know exactly the car yeah and you're like this is my yeah uh but with a cab if a cab shows up and somebody else is also waiting for a cab then you get in an argument kevin bacon runs and steals it yeah exactly there you go and then you're stuck with dell griffith yeah sleeping and so then i hear there i am sleeping in a motel gel what are you doing here i don't have a home yeah cheers and what about the pillows yeah i put my hand between these two really soft

pillows do it want to do it yeah those aren't yeah those pillows aren't what you think they are those those pillows aren't what you think they are they're in my ass oh were they were we to think they were his ass or his thighs? Oh, I always thought it was his butt cheeks. Well, either way, you know what? I like me. Yeah. Go ahead.

Maybe I talk too much. So you were saying, yeah, man. God, he's brilliant. I will cry every time. People don't know exactly what we're talking about. We're talking about Uncle Buck. I know what we're talking about. The TV show.

Yeah. Starring? Who was Uncle Buck the TV show? Jiminy Gl buck the tv show no what were you gonna say though you were right on the verge of something interesting the the uber and the cabs yeah so the cab showed up yeah that i called yeah because or that i used the app yeah and then this old lady was standing there and two guys had helped her, like, call a cab. She was kind of a confused old lady. She kept having the same loop of memory. Yeah, she was in a loop. And she, I started getting in the cab, and these guys started yelling at me.

Yeah. As if I stole the cab from her. And whose cab was it? It was your cab. It was mine. And I said, I also. the cab from her and whose cab was it it was your cab and i said i also but then i then i was like what do i what's the gentlemanly thing to do oh if you bring the word gentlemanly in yeah yeah clear so i said uh so i said to the guy like you're here to pick up graham clark and he said

yeah and i said we'll just take this old lady instead. And he said, yeah, I'm just going to turn around. And then he just drove away. He just kept driving. So he just abandoned himself. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then what happened? Because now another cab's going to arrive,

and it's going to be the same. So I had to walk several blocks out of my way, and then hail a cab from there. So you were hailing, or were you calling a cab? Using an app. So they do have an app, which is so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, so is it going to be hard for me to call an, a taxi to get to the airport from, from here? No, it'd be easy. But if there's an old lady outside, right.

If it's, yeah. Yeah. Are you staying at a hotel? I'm flying to Calgary tonight. Oh, okay. Yeah.

So you flew from LA to Vancouver, do this, then go to Calgary. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, okay. So you flew from LA to Vancouver. Do this, then go to Calgary. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh my. I'm doing Calgary this weekend. What a kind man. Yeah. Yeah, I am kind. That's true. I'm kind of a man. But the, yeah, Uber,

the one thing I dislike, well, it's great, but there are things like you know you'll get once you once you do get Uber because eventually

it's just going to happen no it's not there's no way around it you will it'll say you get weird personal information about them

so it's like it'll say like your driver is known for great conversation and right that's just a cancel you just cancel that can you

as soon as you agree you can go immediately just cancel it because sometimes they'll say it it may charge you $5. And you're like, yeah, yeah, cancel. Yeah, yeah. Because you don't want. Charge me $10.

Because, yeah, totally. Because you don't want that. Because that's not, a good conversation in an Uber is, yeah, I'm doing this as a second job. Because my wife, you know, left me. And it's okay. I mean, the kids are okay. I just need extra money to get them into school and stuff like that so it doesn't pay as much as i thought it did but yeah it's been an okay day you know and then of course i'm like has anyone ever told you that you

are a great conversationalist because you are really good at this so anyway you cancel those ones but you'll get other ones too um what else? The best ones are, no, the best ones may be hard of hearing. It's like, thank you. Come get me. Perfect. Yeah. I'm sorry that you've had to live with any sort of hearing problem. However, this is exactly the kind of cab ride I would like to have.

Do you like if they have something like a bottle of water or candy or something like that? I don't. Do you care about that? I don't drink the water because I'm a big Dave Matthews fan. What's that? Big Dave Matthews fan. What's that mean? Don't drink the water.

I guess I'm not. There's blood in the water. I don't know that I know any Dave Matthews songs. I know Don't Drink the Water. I know Don't Drink the Water now. Yeah, now I know it. Did he have a hit? I could probably, if i heard one i could identify

it as dave matthews but i wouldn't know the title of the song yeah yeah you think he had some hits yeah yeah i feel like single guitar like i feel like guitar uh uh acoustic guitar kind of solo-y stuff i don't know yeah singer songwriter style stuff no it's a little it's a little jammy-er oh yeah he's a jam band he's got a he's got i mean the hits if i remember a hit i feel oh sure unless i'm thinking of let's crash crash into me yeah yeah that's that's the one i know i don't know i don't know anything anymore i've had a couple seizures but um um we talked a little bit about this in calgary is uh the one driver um we had i had in la oh not la toronto uh the lyft driver was like talking about how much money he made from his like how he makes tons of money driving for lyft oh yeah and he's uh like he wants

to upgrade his car because he's making so much money he wants to only do the like lyft and uber black and well maybe that's the case and he's sending all this money home to India, and they're going to build a university. Wow. What? Yeah. Now that's a great conversation. They're going to build a university in India.

That's his dream. That's his dream. It's not they're doing it. No, no. He's sending all this money back. It's getting started. My dream is to build a university. Wow.

Yeah, again, you don't want the conversationalists. You know of hearing that's what you want uh my favorite the uber category is a driver who only reads headlines of news stories and hey you heard about this so i heard uh then you know this guy's gonna go to prison. Can you tell me what for? What's the worst? Is it just the chatty one, or what's the worst? Yeah, there's an earthquake in Haiti. Anyway. You like the windows down or up?

Do you care? Yeah, I like it down a smidge. I won't lie to you. I keep the air on as well. It's just comfortable. It's where I feel best. Oh, Fairfax is fucked today. I like the driver who is using an app to get around.

And the app is making him make a bunch of impossible left turns onto a super busy onto a super busy street never take a left just avoid all left avoid them but yeah that is the worst what are we gonna say what was your worst uber driver experience it's actually quite good to be honest yeah it's just sometimes uh it's a bombardment of like uh of conversation uh but most actually most of them are quite you know yeah i think uber uber's been pretty good i'm it's a bombardment of like, uh, of conversation. Uh, but most, I've actually, most of them are quite,

you know, yeah, I think Uber, Uber has been pretty good. I'm surprised. Yeah. Cause some people will only use the other one lift. Oh,

is that right? I, well, I've never tried lift to be honest with you. They only have the Uber apps. So yeah, maybe I should try lift. See what I'm missing out on.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, maybe some sodas. One day, these will be our only choices. Yeah. Uber. There'll be no more these will be our only choices. Lyft or Uber. There will be no more cabs, so I should probably try Lyft.

What will happen to all those yellow cars? And what will happen to all the drivers? Soon it's just going to be robots. Oh, yeah. What will happen if I don't get to the airport for my flight? That would be a big trouble. How about we go to Overheard? Yeah.

Let's move on to Overheard. Smooth. Thank you very much. All right. This one move on to overhead. Smooth. Thank you very much. All right. This one is about some books. One, two, one, two, three, four. Hi, everybody. My name is Justin McElroy.

And I'm Sydney McElroy. And together we're the hosts of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. What does that mean for you, the podcast consumer? Well, it means that you're going to get a lot of stories about how we used to do weird stuff to people in order to try to fix them. Do you know that we used to think diseases were caused by bad smells? And that we used to eat mummies for medicine. That's super funny. I kind of do like it.

Well, thanks. And we hope you'll kind of like our show, Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. It's available every Friday wherever fine podcasts are sold or at its beautiful, picturesque home at MaximumFun.org. All right! Yeah! The secret is out! I, Open Mike Eagle, officially had a wrestling match.

And on the next Tyson Fights, I'm talking all about it. From the rap battles that got us started. Open Mike, you ain't ready. Oh, really? You're cold like some spaghetti. And to how I hurt myself in ways I didn't know I could. That day and the day before, I got so many texts from people who really care about me

who were like, please don't break your neck. The only place you can get the full story is on the newest episode of Tights and Fights. Find it on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Overheard Overheard The segment in which we hear things out there in the world Share them here In this nice new studio

John Yeah Would you just like to start with the guest? Yes Would you lead the charge? With an overheard? Yes please Well I do have one overheard all right um i was at a comedy club

uh i had just finished performing and i was sitting at the bar and um the uh feature act the person who went on before me was sitting next to me and this woman came up to him she didn't know i could hear um but she said to him you know who I thought my favorite on the show was? The last guy. That's a good one. That is a good one. That is a good one. Dave, do you have an overheard?

Barely better than that. Do you have one you've said 20 times before? that did you have one you've said 20 times before um mine is uh this was you know what is it's like uh what we were saying earlier about it's not what you say it's how you say it yeah this was something that that on paper there's nothing there but when you uh i was in the airport and there was a young couple panicking to get to their plane i'm sure they had two hours yeah and he was having trouble with the kiosk and um his girlfriend said uh oh do you want to use mine here open my backpack and she turned around and tried to get him to open her backpack in a big rush and he just went madison don't madison don't this fall on abc madison don't it's gonna be a long trip yeah just stop i think that's a in a relationship i think that's a very

important thing are you compatible travelers that's what uh totally bill murray said to the you know one of those where he appears you say go go travel around the world with them yeah if you survive you're meant to be yeah yeah because you'll never go through more horrible scenarios where you need to depend on each other and help each other and not go nuts or go nuts that's why uh the amazing race ends with a proposal as well oh that is nice. That's nice. I've never seen an episode of The Amazing Race. I saw a therapy pet today.

I'm convinced some of these therapy pets are causing more anxiety than they're supposed to be helping because this one, oh my God, they're running late for a plane and it was sheer chaos. Yelling and screaming and get over here. Yeah, that was uh quite chaotic yeah i was in the airport with uh and i thought of you because you have a great bit about uh therapy well let's i have a bit about them but go ahead thank you um but the the dog was just barking yeah i want and like the person with the dog didn't seem to be bothered by it? No, because they've, these are, there's a problem.

The people who genuinely need these dogs, they are, one day we will lose all our privileges because people are trying to, you know, manipulate the system in their favor. It's like when you don't need a, like a handicap parking pass and you decide to get one. And then all of a sudden everyone's got it. That's what's going to happen. Yeah.

But this dog, I mean, I couldn't, I couldn't see what problems this dog was solving. I, causing, causing, maybe that's it. Maybe it's a person who thrives on chaos. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My doctor said I'm, my life is a little too ordinary. Yeah. So I need a person who thrives on chaos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My doctor said my life is a little too ordinary. Yeah, so I need a dog that just gets...

Constant chaos, yapping. Yeah, it shits all the time. I'm constantly dealing with shit. I thought it was going to. I love it when they shit because I'm like, ha, ha. I got my middle finger up and then when they're walking to the bathroom, I'm like, gotta take your dog to the toilet, don't you? Just a piece of... Wait, are these... I hate it. have you ever had an airplane where a dog shits no oh it's the best but does

the airplane have a special dog toilet you take them to no it shits in no because it's in a container that's the thing like yeah like there's like it's in a container under the seat yeah a mesh like i've been on a plane where a dog like it was just all of a sudden it's great yeah well it smells horrible for a moment but the fact that they have to go deal with it makes me very happy yeah graham do you have an overheard uh yeah mine is uh it was some uh some gals talking about a past relationship and where it went off the rails i think it was a polyamorous relationship oh and uh three railed. Yeah.

Someone's getting railed. Don't touch the third rail. That's probably where it went wrong. And where it kind of everything started happening was she said he showed up with another girl and they went downstairs while we were all playing Mario Kart. That's the best. that is the best yeah you're having a mario kart party and then you were uh your yeah your partner goes off with somebody oh i was presenting so that was the fourth then because there were two of them who were involved in the three correct and then he came in with a fourth or no there was one that was involved in an open. Right.

And then he brought in a third and then they went off while she was playing Mario Kart. Gotcha. Sorry, I thought they had established the three of us are cool. And then all of a sudden he comes in.

Oh, and then a fourth? And they're like, that's a bridge too far. This is not happening anymore. We'll finish this game at Mario Kart. Because I'm winning. We're going to talk.

Yeah. Now we also have overheard sent in from around the world if you want to send one in you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org this first one comes from nathaniel i was in the airport recently and overheard a mother say to her kid let's play a game it's called called Walk Without Getting Hurt. That's the game. If you make it into a game, the kids want to do it. Yeah. I mean, we witnessed one of my babies getting hurt right before the show. Yeah.

Just decided to put her sister's dress over her head. She was pretending to be a baby ghost. Casper the baby ghost. Now, I heard the impact. I did not witness it. So, did she fall face first no she just uh fell yeah i fell on her butt oh like just i think she hit her shin on on the uh the box that was there something uncomfortable so so the crying was legitimate that's why you

didn't punish her for faking it good for you good for you uh you know what i'm tough but fair yeah uh i was voted toughest dad by Kid Magazine. What? Second year in a row. Dave's our favorite. He's the best one. Is Kid Magazine written by kids? He's fair, but he's tough.

And it's all just T-U-F-F. Tough. With one F's backwards for some reason. That's very cute. It's's adorable magazine congrats congratulations by the way thanks i mean they don't give out these fake awards to nobody yeah that's true um this is a an overseen from uh somebody named benji have you ever had an over smelled yeah yeah yeah i think recently okay we've had over dreamt we've had over dreamt yeah somebody's

had like a really weird dream that they want to share my past week has been bizarre but anyway yeah really yeah i can't it's not it's not even entertaining it's just insane yeah but go ahead i wanna i don't know i wanna know no it's so boring but they go on forever it's like oh your dreams yeah yeah oh what do you think I was talking about? I thought you just meant that your week was insane. And I was like... But like... Dreams are crazy.

Because I have the most boring dreams. As do I normally. But these ones were like intensely boring. Like working at... One example. The consequences were so high. Like I'm bagging groceries, right? And the consequences of me not not getting

back to work on time were like you know and and all these obstacles getting in my way like running into past people just as stressful about nothing yeah wake up covered in sweat and it's like yeah so you don't work as a bag boy anymore anyway i had a dream a couple weeks ago and it's one of the few that i've remembered where it was me and alex jones were trying on hats at the bay like we were on like a friend date yeah we were trying on different hats musical montage was playing what kind of hats were they different you know he said what about a toque and what about uh you know fedora and we tried on different brimmed hats and baseball caps and okay like what you would find in the bay okay and i would like to point out my prototypical

boring dave dream uh a dream where i'm really worried because my travel agent is retiring oh god and do you still use a travel agent in regular life i do from time to time they're like if you're still a travel agent you're really good at it i guess so yeah i use carlson vagantly i thought you're i mean nightmares about things that you don't even use anymore okay yeah um this comes from benji this is a there's a cargo van in my neighborhood. This cargo van had written on the side in those letters you buy from the hardware store to spell your name out on a mailbox. The name of actress and America's sweetheart, Julia Roberts. So just a white van with Julia Roberts on the side of it. Recently, they had those letters removed and put in its place a decal of Julia Roberts' face

with script letters underneath that read Julia Roberts. This is interesting. Yeah. What is that all about? I don't know. He's just seen this van a couple of times. I'm trying to figure out. Yeah, okay, yeah.

Where's he from? This was in New York. Oh, yeah yeah decal or decal probably a banksy uh i say decal oh yeah do you say decal i say decal you say decal okay um uh do you see what banksy did that's crazy that's crazy he ruined his own art yeah it is crazy. It's totally car crap. This last one comes from Jason M. in Halifax. There's a mall around the corner from my office that has a food court where a lot of my co-workers go for lunch every day. The quickest way to get there

through the parking garage. One day I saw a car with the license plate that said MR5 INGH which obviously stood for Mr. Sing. Right? Like a five in place of the H. After lunch, one of my co-workers comes up to me with this big smile on his face and says,

I saw a license plate in the parking garage that said Mr. Five-inch. Why would you brag about that? I thought they were going to say Mriving fiving h mr five that is great yeah that's really funny oh boy they call me mr fiving we better call it a day we've written in we also accept your phone numbers your phone calls if you want to call us our number is your phone numbers 1-844-779-7631 thank you to our listener in winnipeg for sending for making a uh a little framed yeah phone number for me to remember i want to say i want to say kylie yeah yeah she was the same woman who brought her knitting to the show? Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Or one. Is that who brought her or you just want to say Kylie? I just, I just. Or that is her name. I don't want to. It's actually like pathological. I have to say Kylie. Yeah, but who made the sign? I don't know.

Oh. But you do want to say Kylie. Or one. You can say Kylie. A spy pod one. Like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest. This is Mark Cullen from northern Louisiana.

I was at a library story time with my daughter. And as usual, I was the only man there. This little girl says to me, I have a dad, too. He's at home. He's in the bathroom. Well, off I go. Is home. He's in the bathroom. Well, off I go. Is that...

He's always in the bathroom? Yeah, there's no place I'd rather be. Oh, man. That's where dads belong. Yeah. They shave there. They do a lot of things there. He's in the bathroom.

He's tough but fair. Open the tub. Open the shower. Shave in your face. Shave in your legs. Whatever you want to do. Dads. Fixing the toilet. Putting in a new your legs Whatever you want to do Dads Fixing the toilet Putting in a new screen

Whatever you want Probably in the bathroom What else? Reading a book Comic book Smoking a cigarette Open the door, put the fan on Wife doesn't know anything

Hi guys This is Allie calling from Mow your cigarette? Yeah. You know, open the door, put the fan on. Wife doesn't know anything. Whatever, whatever. Hi, guys. This is Allie calling from Worcester, Massachusetts. I'm at work at a farm share pickup in, yeah, in Worcester. And somebody just rolled up on me looking for directions to, like, a student dental, you know, cleaning drop-in, except what he asked me was, I can't find the van. These college girls are going to clean my teeth for $5.

Anyway. What? What did she say? Yeah, I had no idea what happened there. I can't find the van with these college girls are going to clean my teeth for $5. Oh, I can't find the van with the college girls. Okay, yeah. So somebody's going to go around and clean people's...

Yeah. I also rolled up on it on is a term I never heard of. I think I only started hearing like maybe six or seven years ago. I don't know. Rolled up on me. Anyway, these guys rolled up on me. They were up in my grill.

Speaking of bullying, which is where we started today. That's true. Would you ever go to a five dollar dentist yeah yeah absolutely price is right would you go to i might have to i would like like a student dentist that seems good student haircut uh i've had a student haircut uh no i wouldn't which is weird when you think about that but i mean it depends what the dentist is doing. You got to yank a tooth? Yeah, just do it fine.

Yank it. Freeze it, yank it, done. We're good. Yeah. Then go to a real dentist and go, did they do okay? No, he didn't. He just yanked it the whole time I was there. They put an extra tooth in there.

I was like, are you going to do anything with my teeth? And he was just in the corner yanking it. Oh, man. And on the outside of the door it just says yanking what this is the yanking department dentist uh what about a uh like a a restaurant that student chefs oh i used to work at one of these i studied hotel restaurant management for one year so i had to do uh restaurants uh in our second semester every thursday rotate through positions um I would not do it. No?

No. I mean, it's just, fuck, what's the point? What am I getting, a soup? I mean, it's not bad. It's good food. You don't think someone yanked it into the soup? Well, that's fine. I'm not paying very much for it.

How close is the yanking department to the soup? Why do they make it so close? I wouldn't do it now. I could not. What? No, sorry. No, I'm done speaking. All right, there we go. The yanking department. Hi, Dave. I'm't do it now. I'm done speaking. Alright, there we go.

I was at a thrift store outdoor thing this weekend and I was walking past the table looking at some pictures and I heard a guy walk up to the table and say hey man, is that for sale?

And the guy behind the table said, No. All I have left of my lover. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, she found it in the woods. Whoa. It was a log wrapped in barbed wire. All I have left is my what?

All I have left of my lover is this log of log wrapped in barbed wire that she found in the woods wow you dream of meeting somebody like that somebody who really gets you you know and is into the same things you're into oh is that for sale oh i brought it to the flea market but no this is too sentimental to me. I just bring it everywhere I go. That is the greatest one ever. That is pretty great. Because you never want to meet that person.

But you kind of do, though. No, I don't think you do. Is this for sale? No, that's all that's left of my lover. Am I misunderstanding this? No, no, no. That's all that's left of my lover, and it's a log wrapped in barbed wire. Yeah.

I'm going to go, guys. All right. That one's too heavy for me. Well, let's wrap it up. John, your show airs on... December 3rd, Comedy Central.

And it's big answers, huge... or big questions, huge answers. Thanks so much. Big questions, huge answers.

Go to johndor.com or at TV's John Dorr on instagram and twitter there'll be plenty of information what's the password to those accounts it'll it'll be made available soon okay just watch the show yes if you want to david you don't have to i will i will i don't care honestly please it's i i you've got boards to put up you got boards but i'm being sincere don't watch it like it'll come on eventually don't rush but i'm telling you john yes i'm a big fan bye guys thanks i love you david i love you david i love you graham i love you listeners back at you john do you want to oh yeah uh yeah uh thank you everybody for listening if

you enjoyed the show please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode stop podcasting yourself next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.