Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 557 - Morgan Brayton

Episode Date: November 19, 2018

Comedian Morgan Brayton returns to talk legal drugs, the Craigslist free section, and targeted shirts.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 557 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who you shan't break his heart. His achy breaky heart. Don't do it. Because he doesn't think that it would understand it being an organ and not having its own brain unit. Is that the lyric?

Yeah. Don't tell my heart my achy breaky heart. I just don't think it'll understand. Yeah. I think it says he. I just don't. Like, how do you, why? Don't gender your heart.

Yeah, you gender a boat. When the doctor christens your heart and smashes a champagne bottle over your boob, it's a boy. Your heart is set sail. You haven't even said my name yet. Oh, it's Dave boy your heart is set sail um and uh you haven't even said my name yet oh it's dave shumka hi i'm the co-host here i just started thinking we do things a little different here won't stop podcasting yourself about there's a whole youtube uh kind of hole that you can go down of gender reveal parties that have gone awry, where the smoke bombs and things like that go off too soon. Wait, too soon?

Yeah. Why would a smoke bomb be going off? At all? Isn't that what bratty kids put in the bathrooms? Have you seen a gender reveal? No, that I understand. So our guest today has never seen a gender reveal smoke bomb. She's a comedian, producer, a member of the Lady Show, which, when is the next Lady Show?

I can't say. Okay. But coming up. Coming up. Going up soon. Get that merch. Yeah. In the meantime, get that merch.

It's Morgan Brayden, everybody. Oh, hi, everybody. Hello. Hello. Okay, let's get to know us. that merch yeah in the meantime get that merch uh it's morgan braden everybody oh hi everybody hello okay let's get to know us get to know us first things first uh okay a gender reveal i was gonna say eggy breaky so do you know about the trend of gender reveals? I do. I understand that that is a stupid thing, but I don't understand where smoke bombs.

But do you know, have you seen those ones where like the gender is revealed in a puff of pink or blue smoke? Oh, okay. No, I've seen a cake where you cut into the cake and then it's like a pink cake. It oozes out. And then there's a baby in there. And you have to be really careful

not to cut the baby. Don't cut the baby. Thank you, pretty baby. My slicey dicey babe. But yeah, where do they get these smoke bombs from? I don't know. There must be,

I'm guessing Amazon. I bet you get them smoke bombs from? I don't know. There must be, I'm guessing, Amazon. I bet you get them on Amazon or AliExpress.com. You can get 500 blue smoke bombs. And there's also ones where it'll be like something in a ball, and then they'll hit it with a baseball bat. Yeah. And it'll explode in a... Why are things so violent for a baby thing? I mean, hitting

a baseball is not necessarily a violent thing. Can you say you break something open? Yeah, you smash open a ball. Yeah, and I've seen ones where it's like... Come on, people. Or the hockey puck. They just attach a smoke bomb to whatever.

And the smoke goes everywhere. And the parents react positively regardless. Yeah. And I feel like it's your last chance to really play around with smoke bombs before the baby gets there. And so I think it's like, let's really. But you still have $499 left. I know. I was like, who are these people that need $500?

Better get to work, honey. What's the most kids someone's ever had? Two? Five. The Von Trapps. Sean Camp had more than that. Really?

Yeah. Sean Camp is like, former Seattle Supersonic, Sean Camp, had like a biblical amount of children. Oh, and they begat and yeah yeah

okay well there was 18 and counting that then oh became 19 kids and counting yeah and then came uh you're charged with uh being inappropriate and then you've been served and counting. Yeah. But I don't know what number it went up to. And then they split off. They had their own shows, just the gals. I mean.

Sisters were doing it for them. Sister wives were doing it for themselves. The sister wives, that's a different show, right? Yeah. I don't like reality television, so I don't know. Sister Wives is a show where it's a group of women that are all married to a guy that you're like, how did this guy convince a woman to marry him? Let alone Ben Foran.

Is he the blonde guy? Yeah. He's got pretty nice hair. Yeah, he's got gossamer hair. Well, now I'm changing my tune on him. When his parents did a gender reveal party it was just just yellow smoke because it was beautiful baby chicken hair i'm not much interested in guys who are married to one woman having a tv show let alone more i just don't

i don't think we need that yeah and then you know it's the women don't they don't think we need that. Yeah. And then, you know, it's the women don't seem, they don't seem to, they're friends, but reluctant. Because the only thing they have in common is their mutual husband. Well, they're not friends, they're sisters. Oh, that's true. But can you be friends with your sister? I guess so, but I mean. You're friends with your sister. Yeah, but there's always a little bit of, you know, it will never be as close as, you're friends with your sister. Yeah. But there's always a little bit of,

you know, it will never be as close as, you know, the, the, my guys from the platoon. Oh yeah. As you're older,

everybody coming into town this week. Oh boy. Yeah. His ass was blown off. Oh no. A tuckle bell. I think his name of gender reveal party went wrong. He was at a gender reveal party yeah he sat on

the wrong cake that's what you do at a gender reveal party right? everybody sits on a cake it's like it's a cake fart

gender reveal party there's an egg in one of those cakes and whoever sits in it but it's always brown smoke oh Dave okay let's get to Noah There's an egg in one of those cakes. And if you, whoever sits in it, but it's always brown smoke. Oh,

Dave. Okay. Let's get to know us. Morgan. Thank you for coming to the show. Oh, are we done? Nope.

Oh yeah. Thanks for coming. I have a question. I would get to know us question. Do you or have you heard from your listeners that people use the get to know us theme song for other events in their lives? Oh. You're all staring at me.

Well, no, I'm thinking. Like a gender reveal party? Get to know the gender of our baby. No, like for instance, because I do. Yeah. Full disclosure. Okay. For instance, today when we were at the supermarket, I said, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, groceries and i will do you know just periodically a little little thing and it feels makes everything

feel like it has its own theme song makes every day special apparently happy birthday was originally a song that you sang to people in your family in the morning yeah it was good morning to you yeah that's the song good morning to you yeah that's why it's so, the fact that it was like copyrighted for a hundred years was so dubious because they didn't even write the melody. Right. And it was like. And they wrote the words, happy birthday to you. So that was their contribution. It's natural songwriting right there yeah like i heard a

story that uh mike love from the beach boys he got uh he like wrote one sentence on a song and he gets half of the publishing for the rest of time uh because he said like he sang at the end like good night baby or something and he was like that's my sure that was me who did well when they when someone samples a song everyone who wrote that song shares the song right like the like the the old song that they use the sample of shares the songwriting credits with all the new songwriters how did p didn't make so much money even yeah even if it's like even if they don't use the lyrics, or they just used a bit of a beat of a song, even like, not the piano,

but the guy who wrote the piano part still gets the credit. Oh, man. Man, oh, man. That's why some of these, you know, you look at some of these song credits these days. I mean, a lot of songwriters have some crazy credits these days. That's true. There's who, there's what, I don't know. Yeah.

Third base. So what's new? What's shaking? What's shaking? What have I been up to? Mostly pot-related activities. Oh, yeah. uh, pot related activities. Oh yeah. Legal now in our country.

Are you a pot? Well, uh. Are you a pot? It's a double entendre there. If I don't mean to. Oh, you're slow cooking things. I have. I'm an insta potting.

Uh, and, uh, not at the same time. Cause that's too much for me. Also practicing smoking pot. Okay. So, practicing. For a role. No. You're playing Janice Joplin.

So, for people who are listening outside of Canada, marijuana became legal on October 17th. Yeah. To possess. Yeah. And to purchase. Yep. But not to possess. Yeah. And to purchase. Yep. Um, but not for me to sell out of my garage.

That's right. And, and it's, stop podcasting yourself. It's also the rollout of it has been hilarious because they gave one license to a shop in Kamloops. Right. When there are 8,000 shops.

Yeah. And then the rest of the government is selling on the internet. Yeah. And they're backed up and the post office is not processing them. And also the post office is on strike. They're sold out of weed. Yeah. Which seems ridiculous, but yeah.

Yeah. But you're practicing smoking pot? Well, I'm practicing. So I'm not very good at it. Yeah. Which seems ridiculous, but yeah. Yeah. But you're practicing smoking pot? Well, I'm practicing. So I'm not, I'm not very good at it. Okay. So when did you begin? Uh, October 17th. There you go.

Correct answer. Thank you. Yes. Um, I'm not, I've never been a pot smoker. I don't, I don't cope well with it. I just freak out. Not fun for anyone. Just lock myself in the bathroom until it's over.

That's not fun for anyone because I got to use that thing. I blew my ass off in the war. He blew his ass off in a war. So yeah, no, I'm not, it's not, it's, I'm not good at it, but it's, it's been suggested to me that it's better than drinking. Well, that's probably true. The amount that I do. Wow. Uh, but, and so I've been trying and, you know, previously you just would smoke whatever your friend bought in high school or whatever.

And then previously in 1986. Pre-coated math class, which is pretty much the last i have literally like a hand not even a handful of times since high school i've tried smoking pot because it's just not i'm so terrible at it i don't know if i'm like allergic or if i just i don't know i don't respond well but it's also like you have zero control over exactly whoever just have some of this this is my point this is the sticky stuff this is the sticky ickiest stuff and i would say sure yes yes please but uh my wife has had a prescription um for joint pain and stuff like that so she's more knowledgeable so she's knowledgeable about you know this will do this and this will do that.

What do they do? Well, she keeps saying, like, it's just like having a glass of wine. And I think, because I, like, I know I've been drinking wine for some time. I've practiced at it. One this afternoon. Exactly. And I know what that feels like. And I know, you know.

The dosage. Yeah, exactly. I know when I should stop and things like that. But the feeling of being high is not familiar. And because of bad past experiences, I'm very anxious about it. Right? So, but there's this one type. Okay.

That I've tried now. And it just makes me very calm. And, uh, yeah, like I've had, I've been having this back thing the last weekend. So it was helping with my back.

Is it a goiter? Yeah, just a back, the giant back goiter. Um, but as you know, marijuana, cure for everything.

So. Here, smoke this joint joint it'll make you feel less weird about your goiter hey you're still there but i don't mind you can have a puff too there goity i went ahead and named it for you but yeah i'm i it still makes me very anxious so i can't do it around anybody. I'm like, okay, well, I'm going to go in a room by myself and practice. Yeah. And so I'm getting better.

Now, are you, what is this type that you've discovered? It's called Charlotte's Web. Ooh, oh boy. And it was created for a girl named Charlotte who had some kind of neuro something, you know, disorder that caused pain. Do they all have a story now? I don't know. They should. That's why you got to market them now.

So, yeah. But it just, and there's, I'm sort of finding out like, oh, this doesn't, this much doesn't do anything. This much makes me feel calm. This much, I'm asleep. Are you smoking it? I was smoking the flower, as Fatima Dore taught me it's called. But now I've got this little magic pen with the drops in it. Okay.

So it's like a vape? Kind of that, I guess. Yeah. I don't really know the details, but yeah. So, but I do, I'm not getting a lot done, I'll be honest with you guys. Well, you're practicing. I am. Yeah.

But I am. I think that's the point. Well, but how do all those rappers get so much done in a day then? Because I don't understand. I think a lot of that's bravado. They're lying in their lyrics. No, but you're writing a lot of songs. Yeah, that's true.

There's a lot of rhymes. Look at those songwriting credits. Oh, yeah. Sharing a lot. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Mostly I just want to watch The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

and have a little nap. I think that's... I've written very few raps in the past week or so guys. That's generally. Yeah. What I expect from someone. Yeah. I think like,

uh, that and, making me save 10 seats for Lord of the Rings. These are my memories. Yeah. Cause you go in ahead. We're going to go have a summit on the corner can you save all of our seats because i remember in high school like my my uh couple of friends that i hung out with were huge huge fans of the beatles and they wanted to do all the drugs that

the beatles did and they thought you know because because the Beatles always said, like, well, we smoke, and then we'd write this song that was worth a billion dollars or whatever. So they would record themselves just whatever, talking and stuff. And we'd go, hi. It was all just gibberish. You'd listen to it even an hour later, and you'd be like, this is nothing.

Not a Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds Among Us. We didn't write, it was not lyric one. No. Oh, yeah, we get a lot of people writing the sky with diamonds among us we didn't write it was not lyric one no oh yeah we get a lot of people writing like was we recorded what we say but but a lot of people say hey you guys want to be so high to make a podcast no man like you can do it straight you can do it straight or proof yeah like uh not everybody needed that crutch the beatles yeah come on yeah think what they could have accomplished if they hadn't been so high all the time. Yeah, right.

Five times as many. Come on, a lot of that was nonsense. Who do I? I'm the walrus? Come on. No, you're not. How could you even think of something like that? You need help. You need help. You can see how it happened yeah

the uh but uh because i've had the same kind of thing with with pot like i smoke and then i just think about my mouth is really dry ah it's so dry yes and then i just think about that forever oh my god okay i have to quickly tell you so no take your time okay don't you know better than that with me dave uh okay so some time ago we went to our friends had this restaurant nearby us and we went uh to grab some dinner and we went in and they had these like chocolates on these pans i was like oh you know new desserts i'll take some of those and he was like oh yeah no those are uh those are a catering order you can't have any and i was like oh come on you're, new desserts. I'll take some of those. And he was like, oh, yeah, no, those are a catering order. You can't have any. And I was like, oh, come on.

You're not going to miss like a couple. And he's like, no, no, those are a special catering order. You can't have any. And I was like, ah, you're the worst. It's for a cannibal's dinner. So it's a gender reveal. Didn't occur to me. I'll go back to that well all night.

Please do. So anyway, so then we're sitting to get our dinner, and I see my wife getting this little brown paper bag from the dude, and I'm like, okay. So we get home, and she's like, they gave me some of those chocolate peanut butter balls, and I'm like, all right, I love chocolate peanut butter balls, and she's like, you're an idiot.

She explains that they're edibles, right? Right. And I'm like, oh, that makes more sense. I mean, all food is edibles. I don't understand either. When Lord of the Rings is over, I'll explain it to you. So anyways, so I'm like, well, how much? I will just, you know, I'll just, I only am going to take the tiniest bite because I, you know, I don't respond well.

I don't want to get super high. So she's downstairs watching TV. I'm in my office upstairs and I take like a little bit. Nothing happens. So I take like a little bit, eat a little bit more. More go. Right. As you do.

So then I ate like about half of this little chocolate peanut butter ball. Right. Because I'm thinking I'm, but I'm only going to eat half of it. Was it yummy? Because I don't want to get crazy. Oh yeah. this little chocolate peanut butter ball. Right. Cause I'm thinking I'm, but I'm only going to eat half of it. Was it yummy? Cause I don't want to get crazy. Oh yeah. It's chocolate peanut butter ball. It also happened to make me high.

Very, very high. Like freaking out high. Oh no. Oh no. The bathroom's locked again. Oh no. Great. But I was, and so I'm like, okay, I can't let Michelle know.

Cause she'll be high and she'll laugh at me and that will make it worse, right? She'll just be like, ah, that's adorable. She's so giggly when she's high. So I was in my office just trying to remain calm and I was exactly, I was like, my mouth is so dry. And I was drinking water, but I was like, I'm just drinking air. It's just making my mouth drier. I was so upset. I think I'm getting just H's here.

No O's. There's no O's in this. I'm drinking pure hydrogen. And the other thing that happens when I'm high is that I can't, I freak out because I can't tell how much time has passed I'm like I could be late for work and I don't even know because I don't know what day it is anymore I get really stressed out about what time it is so my strategy is to watch like a half hour 22 minute television program so then I can like make little chicken

scratches of like one half hour so I was was watching Schitt's Creek on my laptop. Could you not just look at a clock and write down what time it is now? Well, sure. Now that I'm not high, that sounds logical. But at the time. I'm going to be like a prisoner. One at the heart of Schitt's Creek. Okay, I'm going to text myself

the time stamp. I'm going to draw this line, take a photo of it, and text it to myself. Okay, so I'm going to make a sundial. What time is it first? Oh boy. So I'm watching Schitt's Creek.

How is it? It's a good show. It's a fun show. I'm watching Schitt's Creek. How is it? And it was a good show. It's a fun show. I was watching it. But then, okay, this doesn't sound like a thing that should happen when you smoke pot. So I don't know what exactly was in that or if it's just me. But then I was on Schitt's Creek. Oh, you were on the show. Yeah.

I was like fully inside, like on set. But I was like, oh, nobody knows I'm high and I'm an actor on Schitt's Creek, so I have to act normal. And so, yeah. Wait, what happened? I skipped a thing. You somehow entered the show?

Yeah, yeah. Well, or so I thought. Now I know that didn't really happen, David. So this seems like a different drug. I don't even know. Or is it just my brain that can't handle it, right? I just don't even know. I don't think like i don't know i don't even know or is it just my brain that can't handle it right i just don't even know i don't think i don't know it was i was i was uh as the kids say tripping balls uh and so peanut butter balls yeah so then i'm sitting there and then i hear michelle coming up the stairs i'm like okay is that cool is that cool hi you don't want to

make fun of you and she walks in the door, looks at me and goes, I'm way too fucking high. I'm going to bed. And I'm like, okay, honey, sweet dreams.

And so I'm like, okay, okay, we got through that. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. And I'm just keeps just like, everything's okay.

This is your first day on Schitt's Creek. Be cool. Yeah, yeah, man. Oh boy, I have to pay the Eugene levy? So then, so I just start to kind of calm down again.

And I hear like, and there's footsteps on the gravel. On the ceiling? Well, that would not have surprised me. But outside of our house, there's like, between the two houses, there's like gravel and somebody was walking. And I'm like, oh my God, there's going to be a home invasion and I'm high. How will I handle it? And it was just one thing after another like that. And until I finally, like, I don't know, it could have been a few hours later, could have been four days later.

I don't know. But then the next day, Michelle was like, oh, I was really high. And I was like, yeah, so was I. Not fun. And I said, I guess I just took too much. And she goes, oh, right. I'm like, what does that mean?

I just remember they said, whatever you do, don't eat more than like a quarter of it. I'm like, you. You let me eat the whole bag. I know. She's not. Details, not her thing. Okay.

Right. So, hot tip. If you ever give my wife legal drugs. Yeah. Only. Put a label on it. Just, yeah. Although I don't think edibles are legal.

Well, probably not. No, they're not for another year. Well, I'm just a vanguard. You truly are. Anyways, that's normally what my experience is. So this experience is much better. It's just more calm.

It's a building year. Yeah. By the time next year rolls around, you'll be a building year. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sure. By the time next year rolls around, you'll be a, an old salt. Yeah. This is a pretty good at it now. I think I was pretty good at it in high school.

Yeah. But then, yeah, ever since it's been just like, I can't, I can't eat enough. Uh, and I was worried about,

but I, I, I, the Charlotte's web is not making me want to eat everything because that's what I... This episode is not sponsored by Charlotte's Web. But if you would like to send me a bunch of free stuff, I will give it a try.

Strain of marijuana. If the makers of this particular strain, do they own the seeds? i wonder i wonder if you were you were saying you you vape it and uh people um we've always like uh made fun of the word vape and people who vape in their clunky vape boxes and it really i just like the other day, I had this realization of why I think it's so annoying, the vaping culture. Yeah. It's the fact that everyone agreed to abbreviate it. Right.

Like if every sushi restaurant was suddenly a sushi restaurant. You're like, I'm never having that again. Yeah. But I still know about a lot of shortening of words. Like I don't like when people say rezos for reservations. Yeah. Makes me angry. But like the fact that it's been adopted.

Like we are in vape. Vape is acceptable. Not everybody says rezos. But nobody says vaporized. True. That's true. And it's weird because vaporizer is a cool. Oh, man. That's a cool term. Yeah. Vaporize something. True. That's true. And it's weird because vaporizer is a cool, such a cool term. Yeah. Vaporize

something. Yeah. But like, yeah, I'm, you know, I'll shorten you know, 7-Eleven to Sev. I don't give a damn. No, that I'll allow. But in high school, I'd hang out at the CAF. You couldn't stop me. But like, I don't like when people say

volleys for volunteers. I've not heard that. Oh, you haven't heard that? No. No, I don't like that. I also don't like when, and Abby may have something to say about this as a fashionista person that she is. I don't like when people make something plural singular. Like when they say, she was wearing a great pant.

Like, no, she wasn't. She was wearing a pair of pants. Well, but fashion being how it is, it could be just a person wearing one pant. That doesn't even make any sense. A Gordon Gertrell. A strong brow. Yeah.

A great shoe. I don't like that. It makes me so mad. A slack. Wearing a slack. The thing that annoys me is on food shows where they say, this has got a nice heat to it. I don't like that. It makes me so mad. A slack. Wearing a slack. The thing that annoys me is on food shows where they say, this has got a nice heat to it. I don't like that.

You don't like that? No. I don't know why I don't like it, but I don't. It feels like in the food world, they all agreed. We're going to say that something is, instead of saying it's spicy, we're going to say, oh, that's got good heat. For me, it's in baseball. And I know I'm wrong about this when someone says RBIs, but the R is already runs.

Runs batted in. So it's just RBI. So he has 100 R's BI. Grammatically, it should be R's BI. Yeah, I like R's BI. Makes me think of Arby's. Yeah. Which I think the last Arby's in Vancouver closed down a couple weeks ago.

Are you sad about that? Pour out your horsey sauce. I'm not sad about it, but I'm like, what did we do wrong? Or right. I think maybe. As someone who never went to Arby's, not once in his life. Yeah. I think I might want to, I miss it. Yeah.

I think I'd like to go. I applied for a job at Arby's when I was about 15. You applied for a Jarby's? A Jarby's. Everything at Arby's sounds like Arby's. The uniform would have been the brownest of brown uniforms. I don't really. Or maybe orange.

I'm seeing like a yellow and a brown, but I might just be making that up. No, I think that's right. Like orange, yellow, brown. This is the palette of Harvey. Staky colors. Yeah, your 70s San Diego Padre color. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ochres, your umbers.

I mean. It'sres, your umbers. Yeah, I mean. Siennas. It's not a bad color palette, you know, as it goes. I think McDonald's was probably worse back in the day because that was like a yellow and red. Condiment colors, mostly. Did you get the job? I did not. I did work at McDonald's for a short, short time.

Tell us about your retail history. Well, I started working. And could you make it scary? My mom had a ceramic store growing up, so I worked in my mom's ceramic store. So I had retail experience long before anyone else. This might be a dumb question. The store was ceramic?

Yeah, the store was ceramic. That's not a dumb question. The store was ceramic. Delicate store. Every morning when they opened the door very carefully, then they wrapped it in paper. We had to wear padded uniforms so that we didn't break the store. I mean, we sold, you know, knives.

Yeah. Hammers. Well, funnily enough to our conversation, my mom's store was called The Pot Shop. Oh. S-H-O-P-P-E. Hmm. Fancy. Was it P-O-T-T-E?

No. Should have been. But we would get calls allP-P-E. Hmm. Fancy. Was it P-O-T-T-E? No. Should have been. But we would get calls all the time from people that thought that they were clever. Being like, uh, could like to buy some pot from you. Like, yeah. Hilarious. Bye. Hilarious.

And meet me at the back of the store. I think it'll help you out. This stuff doesn't do anything for me personally. Yeah. So scary. As soon as I'm done locking myself in the bathroom i will meet you out there just tell you something um uh what what was your uniform at mcdonald's what color what was the color it was polyester blue i feel like maybe it had some

like pinstripes oh yeah okay tell me the year? Like piping? It would have been, I would drive there in my Chevy Nova. So I would have been 16. So this was after the car was invented. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Shut up, young whippersnapper. So it would have been 86.

86. Or so. Yeah. And this is a polyester uniform I'm picturing. Oh, it sure was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I wonder if that's something. This retains all the smells. Well, my past roommate, Sean Proudlove, he collected old fast food uniforms. Like, he went through a phase where he's, like, buying them off of eBay. Oh, wow. And so he had that. In his size or just to have just to have i think not for dress

up no though he did wear one for halloween i remember that but uh he he had the pinstripe it's not this you know what i think it was that looks very this is a brown well it was definitely blue there's a It might have been. I feel like it was not as much, not as stripy as that on the sleeves. But I don't, it was, no, definitely not that. That one looks like it's from the future. It was some time ago now. So I don't, it's not real recent in my memory.

Okay. I'm not finding it. Sorry. No, that's okay. Maybe it doesn't exist. Were these the pants? You never consider that McDonald's workers have to wear a pant. Yeah.

Standard issue pant. Or do they maybe now supply your own pant? Or are they still? I don't know because the counter's there. You know what I mean? And they never let me behind it to pour my own shake

it's like when you still have to wear pants even though there's a counter I know but I don't you make it sound like all the McDonald's employees are just back there with pants

no they could have dungarees on you know or a Cheeto but you can see into the kitchen I mean I prefer not to look

right I like it to be a surprise. A mystery. Yeah. It's not about what it looks like. It's about how it makes you feel. Yeah. Like you're part of a team.

Oh, right. And like you're doing something important. Yeah. Like you put on that uniform, you're ready to work. That's true. Mm-hmm. It divides up your day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah it defines you like when i wear this i am a mcdonald's guy i am strong i'm independent i deserve happiness yeah yes and happy meals and uh and it smells smells like fries my shirt smells like fries always yeah uh dave what's going on with you guys we're we're so we've moved in the last month and we're still like uh uh throwing stuff away and like uh lighting stuff on fire yeah i'm just i'm just destroying things no we had like basically everything from that was in our storage unit at our last place never got moved out of our storage unit. And so we realized that, well, that means that everything that we had for these eight years that we never even checked in on, we don't need anymore. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

So it was a lot of going through. Your gold bars. See you later. Books of CDs. Oh, yeah. And boxes of Vhs's and be like should i keep this no i will never right i will never have a vhs player again and that's fine yeah you'll never watch that episode of elf um what did you have on vhs that was kicking around? Oh, probably 50 videos. That thing you do.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kingpin. A lot of the... Because there was a time... A lot of the greats. There was a time when... Because owning a movie is commonplace now.

Yes. Although less so. Less so now that they're streaming. But if you need to get... If you have kids, you need to own these movies. Yeah, right. Because they will be taken off of Netflix at a moment's notice. But, yeah, so, like, I remember in the early 2000s, when DVDs came out, there was a lot of, like, people having collections.

Yeah. This is who I am as a film fan. Yes. Yeah. This wall is just DVDs. Prior to that, in the late era of VHSs, there was some ownership. But in the early days of VHSs, they were like $100. And if you rented one and lost it, you owed them $100.

Yeah. And if you were lucky, you had a video store somewhere near your house. When they would get rid of their videotapes, you could buy one for $10. Or, as what happened to me at a video store that I rented Zoolander so many times, they just gave it to me. It was a rent-to-own store. Yeah, exactly. You're on the payment plan i think it was that cusp of like vhs to dvds and they were like yeah no stop it well yeah we are throwing these out zoolander is is definitely after dvds came out it would have been but yeah really well then what was

i doing it would have been there would have been like crossover. Really? Well, then what was I doing? It would have been, there would have been like crossover years. Yeah, yeah. Oh, definitely. Not everyone. But yeah, because I remember when they first came out, it was like DVDs and like flat screen TVs. Oh, yeah. And everyone was like, well, this TV is $10,000 and a DVD player is coming down in price every year.

And so that became attainable. But you were watching it on your big, like deep TV. Yeah. That you only see on the side of the road now when people put out. Because they can't outgather them. Yeah. So, but yeah, but basically I've been in the midst of emptying out the storage and getting rid of some old things from the old house that we just weren't bringing over here. And I decided that there's some stuff that was easy to donate, some stuff that was like, let's just call the junk company and they'll pick up our junk.

Yeah. And some stuff was still good. And so there were like eight things I put on craigslist for free okay and this was the worst day of my life yeah no kidding man the craigslist free section is easily the craziest place on the internet like what people are giving away and the type of people who are picking it up well yeah because there's they're like there's no obligation. It's free. Exactly. But there's no obligation if you're paying either because

you can show up and say, you know what? I'm an expert negotiator. This thing you were selling for $60, I want it for $10. Maybe you I couldn't. I know, but people do that. I know. My wife does does that it's all people do

no she's but my not in an annoying way and just she's good at doing that she's good at talking people down price wise but and half of that is the fact that like well i'm here i have the money just sell it to me for this right you don't want to have to go back on craigslist and find someone nobody wants that what type of items are we talking so i had two like uh kind of uh modern chairs okay that were like you know cute yeah abby abby got them and i said two cute blue chairs wood and plastic yeah for free and uh so i like i'm on the porch of the old place like on my phone basically copy and pasting pick up asap free yeah i'm not getting the address because i don't want people showing up and then it not being there because someone else has taken it but uh yeah so there's that.

And that was the first thing I posted. Got an email right away. I'll be there in 15 minutes. He came. He took it. It was the best. Wow. I was like, I'm good at this. This is great.

Yeah. No problems. And then there were a few things where people were like, okay, I like this thing. I also, are you the same person posting this other desk? I'll take them both, but I can't be there until 4. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to be here at 4, but they'll be here. I'll un-post the ads.

You come and get them. That guy came and got them. Well, this sounds pretty good so far. I assume that it just keeps going smoothly. There were these Pottery Barn shelves that we bought to put up. We never put them up. They were still in their original packaging. They were like 40 bucks each, but they were in perfect condition.

I thought, I'm not going to, these aren't junk. I mean, they're useless to me, but someone wants these. So many people wanted them. Nobody showed up. Oh, okay. many people wanted them nobody showed up oh okay so we had a lot of uh a lot of just like okay uh can i come in two days like no i'm pottery barn panic and i would write back and i say no well i'm just gonna give them to the next person and they would write okay i understand yeah and then we would get people who are like i am new to canada and i

would like to start my and i'm just like if you had written less paragraphs and just said i'll be there soon you would have them yeah but there were so many that i just ignored so many emails i just ignored because i already had someone lined up but they never showed up and then i would just take the next person who emailed and oh boy and then guess what i just dropped them off at the salvation army yeah and somebody's gonna be like can you believe these pottery right still in the package yeah still in the package wow these were only ten dollars well you could have them for free yeah oh boy i'm actually in trouble over free Craigslist stuff right now. Because. Because you obtained it? Yeah.

Well, I do it a fair bit. I always show up. And if I, and I will. What is the protocol? Does the person posting it, do they say the address? Sometimes they do. In the ad? Sometimes they do. And sometimes they don't.

Or sometimes they'll just say You know, I'll back in the alley At this address, come take it away But like, that's really In a city like this Where it rains every other day You're rolling the dice You might be dooming your ability

To get rid of this thing But you know, if it's like a kiddie pool You get to see how well it holds up Sure, yeah Always positive thinking with you, Graham this thing but you know if it's like a kiddie pool you get to see how well it holds up under yeah but uh so what have you been obtaining yeah what have you got well we got two new couches we got these like vintage um bed bug ridden no well i. No, I'm very careful. But then. How? What do you mean?

She wears gloves. I get a vibe from the guy. Yeah. But also if you go to a house where it's like, oh, sad, but like elderly people that are going into a home, They're not, you know, like everything's clean and you can talk to people about some of that. And do people post that in the ad? Oh, he's rolling this guy's old bones into a home? No, but I like to talk to people.

So I get there in my chat. The heading of the post says sad. And then you go, oh, okay, all right. New couches, sad story. Yes. New couches, barely worn. How sad is it? If it's a sad story, I'm in. So yeah, we, barely worn. How sad is it? If it's a sad story, I'm in.

So, yeah, we, but I got a bunch of stuff. That would be an even sadder short story. For free, baby shoes never worn. Oh, boy. Moving into a home? Baby born with giant feet. No, you can't reveal that. Yeah, I didn't reveal that. nobody saw that coming so i we got a whole bunch of stuff from this this house so they had a ton of vintage stuff including okay so i'm making a bar in my

basement like a rumpus room hang out like your weird uncle's basement in the basement. A pot bar. My uncle did have one of those. See? Yeah. And so I've got an actual bar. And anyways, it's got lots of kitschy, funky stuff. Well, I've been doing the bar method. Oh, yeah. Also, I'm holding bar classes. It's a bunch of tiny movements.

And I have this console record player that was sort of on its last legs. And so then there was this free one on Craigslist and we got there and it's beautiful and it has a record player and a television in it. Cool. And this beautiful console. And it weighed a thousand pounds. Yeah. And yeah, it was like this older guy and his much older parents, you know, she had passed away. He was going into a care home.

And so, but I was like, oh, really? But he couldn't help me lift it. And so my best friend is an electrician. So he borrowed from work this. This crane. Well, it was pretty close. It's like a hydraulic lift on the back of this truck so we got it out of the house i still i'm not really sure how like three people strapped

it on to the to this dolly thing finally got it across the lawn got it onto the back of the truck got it in the truck got to our house took it out took it, moved it to the side of the house, at which point Brian said, I'm done. And walked away. Because he was like, you and I can't get this downstairs. It's too heavy for you and I to do. And I was like, no, I'm super strong. You know this.

And he just was like, that'll be enough for today. So it was my job to get a few strong bodies to come and help. And we've tarped it and it's going to be a nice weather for the next couple of days. So it was fine. So that was three months ago. There is a console tarped outside of my side door. Uh, can I be able to coordinate people who will help, but never at the same time? So, guess what I'm saying, guys.

Sometimes when I'm high, I hear a home invader try to steal it. Never occurred to me that's what they're trying to do. Then I hear this grunt as they try to lift it. Forget it. Forget it. It's beautiful. I don't even know if it still works now

because it's been outside. Well, I mean, that old TV doesn't. You don't know that. Imagine watching The View. What would you plug into that old TV? What do you mean? I just got for free a bunch of VHS tapes off Craigslist from this house on. Oh, wait a minute.

But you know how people can turn an old TV into a fish tank? Yeah. What can they do with an old record player? A little treadmill for a hamster? Oh, yeah, a raccoon. Yeah. That's just, yeah, it's handy for our cats. Give them a little exercise.

No, but I'm sure the record player will still work. The TV, yeah, the TV may not be working, but then, I don't know, I'm going to make it work. I just need to get a few people. No, you won't. You will never make still work. The TV, yeah. The TV may not be working, but then, I don't know. I'm going to make it work. I just need to get a few people. No, you won't. You'll never make it work. No, I will. Give up. Because I was threatened by someone in my house today. I won't say who. Home invader. On the floor.

Move that thing inside. Get rid of it. I believe it was Catherine O'Hara we were in doing a scene together oh boy she said I have to tell you if you do not

get that out of there by next weekend I am going to just call someone to take it away to the dump yep that's Catherine

it's just it's Cathy Cathy O'Hara no I'll get it done I have really good intentions yeah

everyone with a thousand pound console outside their house has great intentions yeah I also have that especially if it's a free you can't resist I took in like

an old guy had passed away. I took in an old guy and I was like, I don't like this at all. But I'm stuck with him. And no one else will take him now. I'm going to wrap him up in a tarp. It's like a mattress. No one will take him.

But he had a bunch of like really, really old records. Like they were like heavy, like kind of the old, like, like they would. Oh my baby, hello my honey.

It was, they were so old. And then I listened to them like once and then I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? You were so excited that first time.

Yeah. And then you're going to plan you're going to have parties. People are going to come over and listen to it and laugh and it's great. Yeah. And it's all scratchy. It first time. Yeah. And then you're going to plan, you're going to have parties. People are going to come over and listen to it. Yeah. And it's all scratchy. It's just. Yeah.

That's a lot of messages to and from Edison. I'm trapped in an igloo. So, yeah. Thank you. Thank you for that validation. um i yeah no i'm like a move i feel like a move really uh resets your uh your your perspective on what is trash yes yeah that's true especially when you have to when you have to transport it somewhere all of a sudden it just becomes a liability.

But at least you said, we haven't used this in a long time. It's got to go. I get excited like it's Christmas. I'm like, I haven't seen this stuff in years. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, wow, all my old notebooks. Yeah. What great ideas I had and didn't do anything about.

Maybe they weren't that great ideas. I'm pretty good at now convincing myself. That movie doesn't need to be made. But the robots fucking. Me. That was just a dream I had. What's up with you? You enjoying the

old dresser we gave you? I am very much, yeah. The dresser we gave you i am very much yeah uh the dresser holding the clothes just like just as part of our deal i put clothes in you you don't fly open and shoot them all over the room and uh it's been keeping up its end of the deal well for now yeah oh no i mean there's well there's some poltergeist stuff happening that I should have told you about. Why do I, why every time I take in something, I have to deal with whatever ghost has decided to live within it. I gave you a table and chairs. Were they haunted?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, good. Yeah, I would wake up, but they were good ghosts. I would wake up in the toasted buttered itself. So delicious. Yeah, perfect. toasted buttered itself so delicious yeah perfect um i uh so you know we uh we sell the t-shirt uh at the maximum fun store that says uh don't mess around with uh stop podcasting never underestimate a woman who or never a person who listens to stop podcasting Yourself and was born in December. Yeah, yeah.

And this was based on these targeted Facebook. Algorithm Facebook ads. Have you started getting ones that have your name in them? No. I have, yes. I've been, if Graham can't fix it, no one can, is the one that I got this morning. Oh, no. I just get, it's a Morgan thing.

You wouldn't understand. it's so cheeky very cheeky oh no I guess that is I saw one that was Dave Dave or Dave or David is my name

and I like boobies and if you're like me Dave, Dave or David Or David is my name. And I like boobies. And if you're like me, then you can ask. Dave, Dave, or David. Is my name. I'll accept any. Also champ.

Very small font. Yeah, well, no, they mess around with font. But don't mess with Mr. Inbetween. Oh, in between oh sweet font no we're not done talking about your gram i gave away at the laugh gallery i gave away a copy of dennis rodman's autobiography as bad as i want to be as i want to be and he every page the fonts he fucked around with the fonts yeah some of his big thick bold some of its tiny little like a kid who got a computer in 1992 Every page, the fonts. He fucked around with the fonts. What? Yeah. Some of it's big, thick, bold. Some of it's tiny little font. Like a kid who got a computer in 1992?

Yeah, he was as bad as he wants to be. He really is. Allegible. And then his publisher was like, well, Dennis, listen. Normally, when we put out books, and he was like, nope. I don't do normal. That's what I want to do. What was on the cover of that book?

Him and a parrot? No, he's naked on a motorcycle and he's holding a basketball. And then on the back, you see his butt. And that was, that was your motivation

to finish the book so that you could. What year did it come out? You just put the book over. 90. Get with it. This was after Madonna's sex book. sex book yes oh did he date madonna oh maybe he did but that's not what i was referring to i'm just like naked book naked uh oh naked books yeah uh yeah i think it would have been harvard stern's private

part yes yeah i remember when the uh when that sex book was at the Calgary Public Library and like you could find it basically the library was like just follow the trail of horny 12 year olds yeah we didn't need algorithms back then they knew how to target

things to us sex now that I have your attention welcome to the library. That whole librarian catchphrase. I used to have, I'm not a sports person. Shocking, I know, but I don't

understand sports. But I did have a thing for Dennis Rodman when he first was popular and it was a big deal. And before he completely lost his mind and I had a, I had a Jersey. Oh. Dennis Rodman did it. Yeah.

Oh. I probably still have it somewhere. Yeah. I bet you still have it. I think, as discussed, fair, fair assumption. Yeah. Um, and, uh, yeah, I don't, I didn't read the book I think I was off him by that point

I don't I don't think you could read the book it's so hard to even just flipping through and you know usually with a celebrity autobiography glossy photos in the middle of the book these photos are all over the place

in this book glossy though no no just matte well a color or no that that sort of like newsprint yeah yeah it was he he really just that's a bummer of a book when you when they do when they put pictures in but they're like grainy yeah more like just done at Kinko's? Am I reading a zine? Yeah, and also, I feel like one kid in my class would always rip those out and then put them in his locker

or whatever. Like, he'd deface a book. Oh, you can't do that. I know, but why not, though? Yeah, what are those glossy pictures in there for? Yeah, yeah. But it's the same with highlighting in books. I can't do that either. Oh, highlighting in books. That's very rude. like but it's the same with like highlighting in books i can't

do that either oh highlighting in books that's very rude like even if it's my own book i can't oh you wrote a book um the uh i have always appreciated tell me i would write a book one day oh really yeah i could see you writing yeah i mean i'm no psychic maybe you are I had a psychic tell me I would never read a book I liked when I would get when it would be highlighted

because especially if a school book because I'd be like okay now I was going to focus on but what if they were wrong well also it doesn't make any difference

to me I can't read a textbook like I've never read a textbook ever it was the any difference to me. I can't read a textbook. I've never read a textbook ever. It was the hardest language to me. You know what's weird? I was talking to somebody who's a teacher, and I'd never thought about this,

but depending on, I guess, how wealthy your school was, they'd have to hold on to textbooks for a certain amount of time before they could buy the updated version and i feel like throughout my school career i was always the precipice yeah like they were gonna get new ones next year and so all the pictures of the kids they all had bell bottoms and they all had like these crazy kind of 70s hair. Yeah. And I remember trying to read them and just and they all had penises

drawn. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And your health class was like you're learning about the two food groups meat and fish. Yeah. It was instead of a food pyramid. It was just a fondue pot oh boy so would these graham shirts yeah yeah i only saw only this is the first uh uh brush i've had one of was this morning and said if if uh graham can't fix it no one can which is not

is not i know there's not even true like Like, they got me, but they missed completely. Even with the most qualified Graham in the world. Yeah. No way, man. Someone else can still fix it. Absolutely. Bring in a bread. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Heather Graham. Oh, yeah. I mean, she can fix stuff. Yeah. I bet you, she strikes me as somebody who would like, walk away from Hollywood and go live on a ranch in Montana. That's what I picture for Heather Graham. Sure, she can do that because she has enough money from Hollywood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. I always used to be that way with like actresses who were like, hey, whatever happened to Bridget Fonda? Or whatever happened to Alison Lohman? They made all these movies and then they just stopped. And then you realize in the news in the last year, you're like, Oh, Hollywood is hell for women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And it's the one person who I feel like did walk away from Hollywood and then came back for some reason was Michael Keaton. He was famous famous made a lot of money and he was so rich he had this super long dinner table he couldn't even hear the person on the other end um but blossom walked away and came back that's true she'd go to university yeah yeah yeah yeah and like, but yeah, she came back.

That's what it was. Yeah. Yeah. You think she missed it? Is that why? I think she needed some money. Oh, sure.

Not so much money in math there, flower hat. They don't let you in there for nothing. And the other thing that happened, and tell me

if this has happened to you, where like, you go to a place regularly and you get the other thing that happened and tell me if this has happened to you where like you go to a place regularly and you get the same thing over and over again and then one day you don't want that thing but you've you show up and they already have like they see you coming and then they already have the thing but you you've decided i moved on from that thing no you have not yeah have you had that ever? No, I don't think so. No?

I can understand how that could happen. Yeah. But now I'm just so fascinated of what they're prepping for you as you're working. Yeah. And what this place is. It's a bakery that I've been passing every day, passing and going into and eating a baked good. So not passing at all, really. And I get like a scone thing and you are and it's the end of a block and they can see you coming from the block away as soon as i walked in the door the

person started putting the thing in the bag and i was like that's great and that's so kind they would remember and i mean but i don't want to take it and Did you say? No, no, I bought it. I bought it. You know, that's something where, like, it's just a scone in a bag. Or as the British say, scone in a wrapper. In a bin. Skin in a bin. Yeah, skin in a bin. Yeah. They can just take it out and put it back.

No. It's not like, oh, Graham's coming for his chili in a bread bowl. they can just take it out and put it back no it's not like oh graham's coming for his chili in a bread bowl let's carve out the bowl and then we've ruined i love this artisanal place that's we're the only place that scoops out the bread in front of your eyes i've never had had anything in a bread bowl is it a pre pre-fabricated bowl of bread? Well, no. I think they've taken the bread out previously. Oh, okay.

But they don't do it in front of you? No, no. Like Subway? Well, they do it Benihana. But in that situation, you'd be like, oh, I'm obliged to get it now. Have you gone back since or now you can't go in there because they're just going to keep giving you the same pastry? I haven't been back

since. But now nobody wins. Here's what I would have done. I would have said, oh, thanks. Yes, my favorite. You know what I'd also like to try? And I would have bought two. And then the next time you go in, they'll be like, we don't know what to expect from this guy.

Or you can just say, you haven't ruined that, have you? If I don't buy that, can you put it back? You'd see them just drop it on the floor. It's fine. These tongs are gross.

But even if it was a bread bowl of chili, which I think you're lying and that's what it is. My morning chili. I would say, oh, I'm sorry. And I'll just,

I actually don't want that. Can I get something else? Yes, You would. And then I would say, or I wouldn't even say, I'd be like, you know what? Big tip for you. Nice. Smooth it out after.

Well, yeah, because I like to draw a lot of attention to how much I'm tipping them. See? That one's got a caribou on it. Sometimes, do you ever say, where's the tip jar? Just to indicate that you are, you know? You like hold on and wait until, if they have their back turned to you, you don't put their money in the tip jar.

It could be anything. Yeah. Wait till they turn around again. Oh, whoops, I dropped all this money next to the tip jar. I mean, you know, scoop it up if you want, whatever. Do we want to move on to a little bit of business yes sir yeah it's jumbotron time and hey look who's back this week it's zipper crooner oh goodness i thought i thought he died never gonna die. Zipping along with Brickruner. Now, this message is for Lil Joey Porches.

And it's from Rebecca number two. Number two. Oobity doo. Ooh. Happy first anniversary, my love. You got a real rad ding dong dong and being married to you is my favorite graham dave and i love you so much it's true all three of us do pretty do so happy anniversary to little joey porches and rebecca number two if you would like a

jumbotron message on our show, head over to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. Now let's get back to the show. Damn right. Hey Kira, so Max Fun Con tickets go on sale this Friday, November 23rd at 11am Pacific and I'm trying to write a promo. Okay. So what do they need to know to look forward to?

Inspiring classes. Live podcast tapings. Stand-up showcase. The s'mores party making new friends don't forget about the dance party oh and it all takes place on a beautiful

mountaintop okay got it anything else well if we missed anything they can find all the details at maxfuncon.com

and we'll see you in June June I think that went really well. That was really good too. I believe. Yeah, that sounded good.

Great job. Overheard. Overheard's a segment. Oh, it's the longest running segment in show business. Before this, it was Jerry Lewis' Telethon. That was the longest running segment in show business. That was a segment? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of his career. Almost as financially successful as this segment is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And we will put up on the board how much we've raised. And how many kids we've helped. Yeah. Many.

On the phones. And we always, we hear things out there in the world. And we talk about them here on the podcast And we always like to start with our guest Morgan, do you have an over I do, I'm just trying to decide because Well no I won't say that because I know what you guys will pick I have a cat one and I have a gross one

Gross one I know Gross one Okay You can do both Oh my god, that's the benefit of being the guest I guess Okay, well I'll start with the cat one then Okay Well you can do both Can I do both? Yeah Oh my god That's the benefit of being the guest I guess

Okay Well I'll start with the cat one then Because The gross one The rules Yeah No one will hear anything after the gross one Okay

So this is overheard at my house My wife Michelle Saying to one of our cats Matthew At bedtime I heard her say I just wanted to hold your foot because it's soft. You didn't have to bite me.

Yeah. Yeah. Is Matthew a biter? When he gets overstimulated. Does he steal other people's wraps? Steal other people's wraps? Yeah, that's what a biter does. Oh, I get it.

He gets overstimulated. He bites. Yeah, he just, yeah. He likes to be petted and he doesn't even mind if you hold his foot sometimes. When you say hold his foot, do you refer to his, are you only referring to his back feet because his front feet are hands? Oh, no. I hadn't thought of that. I'll have to clarify with her

and get back to you on that. I don't know. Do you want us to share overheards and then come back for the gross one? No, I'll just get it over with because now I'm thinking about it and I'm grossed out. So I just want to get it out of my system.

Here we go. Okay. So we were at the emergency. Everybody's fine. And except this guy. So we were sitting waiting and we were already... Did I opt out?

No. You were like, gross one. So now you sitting waiting and we were already Did I opt out? No. You were like, gross one! So now you have to handle it. I just don't like you know, emergency room gross. Well, you did not stipulate that when you were out cheering for gross. You were like, gross! Unless it's emergency room gross, but then gross!

Okay, so we'd already checked in and then we're sitting waiting to be called and uh this guy started chatting with me and showing me pictures of his cat because that's what happens to me and then she was like mr so-and-so uh can you come up to the window and get some more information from you and so we overheard it because he was speaking very loudly and she said what's what seems to be the problem today sir and he said it's my hemorrhoids he said they're bad and then he said

i took a box cutter last night okay okay okay to try to take care of them. We didn't overhear anything after that because the screaming inside my head wouldn't stop. Wow. Yeah, he was like late 70s. That's the prime age for that. Right? It's the kind of thing that you're like, I can take care of this myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, if it happened last night, not an emergency. Go to a walk-in clinic right yeah yeah yeah you're putting an undue stress on our emergency room and you're putting some undue stress on your old colon on the old colon old colon arena um yeah i mean you, public service announcement. Don't do that. Yeah. No, I think that's important. I know everybody wants to do that, but don't do it. When those 9-11 hijackers brought those box cutters on the plane, everyone let them on because they were like,

oh, they probably just need to jab at their hemorrhoids. See, if that's what they've been doing, it would have been fine. In that case, if your choices are hijack a plane or try to lance your own hemorrhoids, yeah, go ahead. Go ahead and lance. Oh, that's weird that that's also a name. Lance hemorrhoid? Yeah.

Lance hemorrhoid. Lance is like the best name. Yeah, probably. Because it's from jousting. Yeah.ose. Lance is like the best name. Yeah, probably. Because it's from jousting. Yeah, yeah, Lance. Also a big fan of Bruce. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

But Bruce isn't, like, Lance is a verb. Yeah. But Bruce, is Bruce, can you Bruce something? I mean, you can Bruce all nightly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you Bruce up a room. Yeah. Or what's that Bruce, what's that song that has that oh don't bring me down yeah by electric light orchestra yeah um yeah my favorite names that are also verbs are

sweep yeah sweep run um jab jab and stick yeah yep uh do you have an overheard of course Sweep. Yeah, sweep, run. Jab. Jab. And stick. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have an overheard? Of course. Yeah.

So last week, off air, I couldn't remember my overheard. And I knew it had had something to do with something we were talking about in the episode. And we had been talking about Rod Stewart. something we were talking about in the episode. And we had been talking about Rod Stewart. And my overheard, I now remember, was about Rod Stewart. Oh, nice. And it was on a Tuesday. And I thought it was a two-for-Tuesday because I played two Rod Stewart songs,

which doesn't add up in my mind. I'm like, why did I sit through two Rod Stewart songs on the radio? But it wasn't a two for Tuesday. It just happened to be two Rod Stewart songs on a Tuesday because they were doing a contest. If they play two Rod Stewart songs, you can be entered to win tickets to see Rod Stewart. Oh, yeah. And so the guy who won the contest,

they had him on the radio and the host said, you've won a chance to see Rod Stewart live. And what do you think about that? Oh, that's great. And the host says, hey, I wonder if he'll have his trains on him.

He likes to travel with his toy trains. And the caller said, I don't know. I know he used to be a soccer player, though. Same, same. Are we making small talk over here on the radio?

Are these all the facts about Rod Stewart? How did he not, like... The stomach pump one? Yeah. It's like, how did that not come up? I wonder if he'll bring his trains. I had a stomach full of semen. Let's not explain that.

Let's just move on. Wasn't there like a weight to it? A gallon. Yeah. Okay. I remember very specifically. But do you know the story behind that? I heard this on another podcast.

I feel like I read something recently about this. The story of the Rod Stewart, speaking of the emergency room, he had to have his stomach pumped because it was full of... A gallon. A gallon of semen. Of jizz, which is also a verb and a first name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. is which is also a verb and a first name yeah yeah yeah uh uh but uh apparently he had this ross stewart had his publicist who um he was very close with who happened to be gay

and came on like came on vacation with rod stewart and his family and while he was you know he was a single guy he went out to a uh club came back and was having very loud sex with the someone he just met while rod stewart's children were sleeping uh and so rod stewart fired him and then this uh publicist can spread any rumor they want. Wow. Wow. Because I thought that it was literally made up by a 10-year-old kid that I knew. Right? Just spread like wildfire. Did you hear it when you were a kid?

Did you hear that rumor when you were a kid? For me, it was Jordan Knight of the New Kids on the Blocks. Yeah. Oh. I heard that it was something to do with... Somehow Mick Jagger was involved in the version that? Yeah. Yeah. Like I heard that it was something to do with somehow Mick Jagger was involved in the version that I heard.

I think it was his semen. A gallon's worth of Mick Jagger's. I mean, who could be so rich? I know. It's like, it's like more valuable than Secretariat.

God's ears. Yeah. Secretariat of boy. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Yours had better be gross. Wait a minute. I apologize.

It doesn't matter that his publicist was gay. It could have been. That's true. It doesn't need to be a detail in the story. No. But you know what? I didn't notice it at the time. We, but, but you know what? I didn't, I didn't notice it

at the time. We have louder sex. Everybody knows that. My overheard is, as many of mine are, courtesy of the bus. And here in Vancouver, I don't know if it happens

in other cities. I haven't seen it happen in other cities. People will get off of the bus and say thank you to the bus driver. And there was a little girl getting off the bus. Like 10,

11 years old. And she said very quietly, thank you. And then this guy sitting by himself goes, well, you think the bus driver heard that? Thank you. Like she was out of earshot already, but he was just to himself. Well, you think the bus driver

heard that? Thank you. Everybody's a critic. Yeah. What a sweet. It has gotten out of hand in the last decade because it used to be...

I don't know why everybody's so riled up about this. I always say thank you when I get off the bus and people are like i've lived here my entire life i've never said it the bus is miserable let's all be miserable on it but it's a shame pit but those of us who are saying thank you are trying to to raise elevate yeah yeah don't know. People are riled up about it. But also like

nobody drives me nuts. It didn't happen at every bus stop before. Now it's constant. Yeah. And you know what?

I don't mind. I think it's I don't mind it either. I just don't get it and I'm not going to do it. Let's just start just to make Dave happy just to get off the bus.

Yeah. Fuck you. Get off the bus. Everybody just I'm as I get off the bus. It's just start just to make Dave happy. Just get off the bus. Yeah. Fuck you. Get off the bus. Everybody does. I'm as I get off the bus. It's just everybody should know. Like that's what you should say instead of thank you. Or it's not to the driver, just to everyone.

Fuck you all. This sucks. I'm glad I'm getting off this bus. Right. Now we also have overheard sent in from people around the world. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to sby at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Jordan K. from right here in Vancouver. Last week, I was in a chapter slash indigo bookstore.

It's important. It's important. Branding. Yeah. A young woman on staff was unloading box after box of the brand new Justin Timberlake memoir. He's too young to be writing a memoir. He's lived more life than all of us put together. He's a man of the woods.

This woman, she was wearing a headset and clearly stressed out. She radioed out to the rest of her team and yelled, Guys, I need stacks of JT piled sky high. Stat! Sky high. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's going to be a big release. There's going to be glossy photos in that. Oh, you know there will be.

Good quality ones, too. I want to read the chapter. His naked butt on the back? Maybe. And, you know, that era where he had ramen noodle hair. Get to relive that. Yeah. That'll be good.

I'm going to Omeletteville. The chapter. Yeah. A lot about his friendship with Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, his precious friendship with Jimmy Fallon. But, you know, this is one memoir of many i assume he's gonna write over the course of his life sure he's gotta get it all out now it'd be too long if you wait until the end that's true although you know section that off burt reynolds his wasn't super long and he lived more

life than justin timberlake's ever gonna hope to right you know what i mean justin timberlake is a great man the greatest man? no oh who's the greatest man? I don't know Jesus Christ? oh sure

Superstar? sexiest man uh Jesus Christ? no Justin Timberlake? no Idris Elba was just named

sexiest man oh that's true yeah and uh who votes on that? it's J.D. And who votes on that? It's J.D. Power and Associates, right? It's when you get those phone calls and they're like,

if we have a minute of your time. We're down to the final two. Is it going to be Idris Elba or... Jesus Christ. Yeah. Neck and neck. Has Jesus Christ ever been the sexiest man no but every year he's in the 70s he was yeah it was the look that was in you know that's true it's true but you know

bradley cooper in a star is born very jesusy he's bringing but he already won it a couple years ago can you not win it twice you can win it, but I don't think too close together. Okay, not back to back years. That's fair. You can't create a dice. Back to back. Repeat. This next one comes from... Who's the sexiest man who hasn't already won it?

Hmm. I was watching a countdown video. Who's this guy in my mirror? Your day will come, Dave. Your day will come. Has a royalty ever won?

Yes, very much. Prince William's won it many times. What happened there, Hay? There was a flip-flop there. What do you mean? Well, because when I was a kid, he was the dreamy one. When you were a kid? Maybe not when I was a kid.

Working in McDonald's in 1986, four-year-old Prince William was the hot one. Okay, when I was in my early 20s, he was the dreamy one. Yeah, kids today don't remember that. No. You don't know your history. Doomed to repeat it. Yeah, see all the textbooks in my school, he was still the hot one. And his dreamy bell bottoms.

Oh, Prince. This next one comes from Kate M. Walking home from work last night in busy rush hour Queen Street pedestrian traffic. Toronto. Yeah. I spotted a man barely navigating his way through it while reading a book. Intrigued by what was holding his attention so well, I snuck a peek at what he was reading as he passed by.

And the man was nose deep in a book of Sudoku puzzles. Yeah. Wow. That's dangerous. That is dangerous. And kind of isn't, it's not something you read. No.

Oh, he wasn't actually even doing that. No, he was just, maybe he's rain, maybe he can do it without even putting the numbers down. Oh, I should say that next time somebody

says, can you do some of it? I'm a beautiful minding this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do it. Yeah, yeah. Can you not do Sudoku? No, I don't think I've ever tried. That's...

I think you need to croon. Is zipper crooner coming back? Can you do... He became a country star and then just became a country star. And then goofy. Yeah. This last one comes from Brendan in Seattle. On a road trip to Death Valley, I stopped in the reservation town of Harump, Nevada for gas and a soda.

As I walked in, I noticed a rail-thin old man with a cowboy hat and a pistol strapped to his chest buying a gallon of milk. I mean, just right there. What a scene. What a Coen Brothers-esque. That's enough. We're done, right? We're good?

No? Oh, there's more? Ron Stewart's emergency room. He was... Do you think they put it in a gallon jug? How else would they know? He was leaning on the counter and talked to a very bored-looking Indian man. These goddamn country music DJs are always talking over the intro to the song. You got your intro.

You got your outro. Verse. Chorus. It's a fundamental intro to the song. You got your intro, you got your outro, verse, chorus. It's a fundamental part of the music. And it's true. That intro, they didn't just put it in there for you to chat about the weather. I think they sort of did, though. Did they? They like to hit the post.

Like a little ramp up. Because prior to the invention of radio, people just jumped in and started singing. Coffee, coffee, oh so hot. Grab it right now from the pot. Coffee, coffee, oh so hot. One, two, three, four. Coffee, coffee, oh so hot.

Exactly. I feel like that's what people used to write songs about. How much they love coffee. I'm going to have a bath later. One, two love coffee. I'm going to have a bath later. One, two, three, four. Going to have a bath tonight. Yeah. I like the sounds of that guy.

Like the gun. I mean, aside from the gun. Yeah. And aside from the milk. But other than that, I like his views on music. Yeah. I just like the scene that this is happening in Death Valley. That somebody's drinking milk in Death Valley.

I mean, that climate is lactose intolerant. I'm going to get a liter of milk. You got to drink it fast because it's so hot there. Yeah. I've been there. I've been to Pahrump. You've been? Yeah.

Wow. I think that might have been the place. Well, I think it was the place where we stopped maybe for gas. And they had like this weird kind of heading zoo type thing that made us cry. You know? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, no. That's sad.

They don't want to be here. I don't like that. Bring them to You know? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, no. That's sad. They don't want to be here. I don't like that. Yeah. Bring them to Life Valley. Right? That's where they want to be. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, the phone number is 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-SPYBOT-1. Groony roony. 631 or 1. Ugh. Spy bond. And 1. Groony roony. We will never tire of that character. Zipper crooner. Hi, Dave and Graham and Radiant guests.

This is Will from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, within Overheard. I was at a store in the mall, and there were two ladies behind the counter debating about who to vote for in the midterm elections coming up. And one of the ladies turns to the other and goes, well, all men are evil. And the other lady goes, yeah, all men are evil. Okay, off I go. Well, how are they going to vote? Pro man?

Yeah. Well, how are they going to vote? Pro-man? Yeah. Didn't a lot of women win in the midterms? Not enough, if you ask me. There it is. Getting so many points for that. Well done.

Yeah, all men are evil. I mean... Not Justin Timberlake. If this room is any indication, I would say only 50% of men are evil. I mean... Not Justin Timberlake. If this room is any indication, I would say only 50% of men are evil. Pretty fair numbers. Pretty accurate numbers. Next phone call. Hello, Dave and Graham and maybe one of the Decker brothers?

Brothers? Maybe. I haven't fresh overheard the driving car share and uh i mostly tune out the conversations but i i heard the the young man guessing his maybe girlfriend uh says of course they face outside bridget it's a window you can have windows inside of a thing. Oh, yeah. Windows go from your bedroom to the hallway.

Yeah, sure. From your bathroom to the rest of the house. From the bathroom to the kitchen. I'm cooking up something in here. Hi. I'm waving at you. You can see because of the window. Put them on the glass that one wasn't gross but then it became gross

there's your final overheard hey guys this is Dylan from Chicago thanks for calling me I was at a popular chain bookstore the other day and I'm looking for some books and down the aisle is an older man

and a child who I'm assuming has to be his son, I hope. So a phone rings and I hear the kids say, Oh no, mom's calling. And the old guy says, Well, you better pick it up. So the kid picks up the phone and I swear to God, the kid says, hi mom, I'm sorry about my poop. Yeah, it was brown. I'm sorry, I don't know why it was brown.

And then he picks up the phone. And then he says to the older guy, he says, well, it wasn't that brown. And then the old guy says, we're not talking about this here. And they walk away. Oh, wow. Yeah. Another gross one. Yeah.

Close off the show with a gross one. I love that the sort of intimation was that that was always what she's calling about. Yeah. Right? Oh, that's your mom calling about your poop again. You better break up. Yeah. Well, I have the feeling she was being like, now, what do we let mellow?

What color do we let mellow? No, you're right. We flush it down if it's brown. Well, that brings us to the end of this year's show. Morgan, do you have anything upcoming that you would like to plug? I don't have release dates, but The Lady Show, we are filming a series of comedic videos for online. So you can look on your internet for that in the next month or so. Is there a website?

Is it somewhere? Where can people go for all their Lady Show needs? Yeah, go to theladyshow.com. But not now, because now that I've said this, I should go and update it. But, you know, give me some time. Just give me a head start. Yeah, yeah. And then go to theladyshow.com.

Okay. Or find us on Facebook or on Instagram or on Twitter. The Lady Show. Yeah. Okay. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thanks for having me. Dave, your parting shot.

Here's what the problem with America. And how he's going to solve it. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, I have no parting shot. Thanks for listening. I think everyone is great. Yeah, everybody's great. Thank you shot thanks for listening I think everyone is great everybody's great thank you so much for listening

if you like the show please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.