Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 559 - JJ Whitehead

Episode Date: December 4, 2018

Comedian JJ Whitehead returns to talk donuts, nacho helmets, and island life.

Hey guys. Hi. If you're listening in Vancouver, keep an eye on our Twitter accounts tomorrow. Oh man, because we got an announcement coming that's going to knock your ass into the dirt. Yeah, guys, also prepare a pile of dirt. Yeah, and also get your asses ready. Wash them. Yeah, wash them, work them out, because man oh man.

They're going to get so knocked into that dirt. Get some good dirt Yeah yeah yeah I recommend anything that they have in the Home Depot nursery Yeah Check the PH on that Yeah And follow At Stop Podcasting on Twitter

Or just check it I don't care For an announcement about a Vancouver show Happening next year But the announcement December 4th. Yeah. So exciting. Are you excited?

Yeah, okay. Let's start the show. Okay. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo!

Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 559 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who just explained to me how Shopkins work. Is that what it was that i was learning no lol lol dolls and uh something called poopsie unicorn this is what mario wants for christmas yeah poopsie surprise unicorn it sounds like something that would be made up on a sitcom of what a kid would want it also sounds like something that's going to make its way into an adult website.

Yeah. Here's her description of what it is. It's a unicorn with beautiful hair and you feed it and it poops slime and then you play with the slime. Oh, wow. So you play with unicorn shit. Yeah, you play with it.

Blaze. It's rainbow slime. This is very... I didn't know that's what it was i thought and i just thought it was like the same thing as what i was seeing the lol dolls no it's big it's big it's like 80 bucks it's really gonna mislead your children if they meet a pony in the wild yeah they'll figure that part out later. I mean, like, with the moment, I don't know what would be worse.

Oh, Dad, it is pooping slime. It's good. It's fine. It's authentic. Our guest today, returning guest of the podcast, very funny comedian, a writer for the Jim Jefferies show, it's J.J. Whitehead. Woo! Hi, guys. Hi, J.J.

Thanks for having me back, fellas. It's been five years. It's been five? I checked, yeah. Oh, wow, I was guessing three. No, five years. It's been so long that I was like... Comedian clock.

I think I remember what he looks like. Wow. But I remembered you having curly, curly hair. Yeah, it's raining. Oh, yeah. Do you normally? I think the hair is... Yeah, it's raining. Oh, yeah. Is it normally? I think the hair is kind of wavy. It's wavy, yeah, yeah.

I was picturing tight, tight curls. Oh, yeah, like Gaddafi. Yeah, I've aged five years. The hair is even giving up. It's a great mane of hair you have. Thank you, sir. I mean, you as well. Well, it's, you know, I'm wearing a toque.

Should we get to know it? Yeah. Get to know us. What? So five years. That's a lifetime. That is. I thought it was three, but five.

Yeah. Time flies, eh? And you, I think when you were last year you lived in the uk yeah i was living in london and now you live in america i made the move to america three years ago officially um i'd say i was coming back and forth five years ago i was kind of spending a couple so it would have been one of those right probably here i think i did here edmonton calgary and maybe dipped down to the states to put my toe in the water and see if they liked me. Yeah.

See if they nibbled on your toe. Yeah. So I did a few of those trips because you probably have to do about three or four of those before you make the big jump. And then I did the jump three years ago. Might as well. Yeah. And it stuck in.

Yeah. Do you miss the UK at all? I do. I miss the circuit a bit, but I. I thought you were going to say circus. I miss the UK at all? I do. I miss the circuit a bit. I thought you were going to say circus. I miss the circus. I miss all my friends at the circus. You know, the hairy woman.

She was like a mother to me. So, I mean, the British comedy circuit was Again, I thought it was going to be circus again. Let's try it one more time. Yeah. It was probably like that.

Probably the healthiest in the world. I would say at the time it was a British circuit was great. Yeah. The circus was great as well. Both anything starting with CIR. You're generally, you're good to go. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm told it's not the same now. Maybe it's probably because I left, but no, I'm told it's not the same now maybe it's probably because i left but uh no i'm told it's not the same now but i do miss elements of that it was a very fun place to spend the first 15 years of my career you you were in the uk for 15 years it was 90 you started there yeah your first and i started there yeah i did not start in canada wow yeah wow yeah man i started in i started in edinburgh scotland and like well why were you in edinburgh i was just doing that canadian backpacking thing oh you know i graduated from dalhousie and i just and i didn't want to do what i studied what did you study so i studied

kinesiology oh okay you know in health sciences and stuff sure and then i went and worked for marriott hotels and vacation clubs like doing massage no i wound up being like their activities coordinator what do you think because the kinesiology is it's the study of the human body but like you wouldn't qualify you to be a masseur well i know a lot of uh what do you call them like um you know uh what do you call it when you go to a gym and somebody works with you at the gym what's that called personal trainer yeah personal trainers they yeah that's that's the one you think personal trainers massage you i know i mean unless unless you got a deal worked out. Your personal trainer is misleading you, man. Oh, no.

So you did that and you were like, this stinks? Yeah, I was kind of like, this isn't for me. I need to go traveling. I'm tired of massaging these people. My hands can't take it. I'm building up weird calluses. Yeah, man. So I took off to Edinburgh and got a backpacking type job over there and then stumbled into a comedy club.

So, yeah. So, you hadn't thought of doing stand-up? I had. Oh, you had. Oh, 100%. To be honest, I was thinking of going to Ryerson. I was a Nova Scotia kid and I was thinking of going to Ryerson so that I could be in Toronto so that I could start doing stand-up comedy. Oh, right.

Because I didn't want to admit to anybody. Yeah. I want to be a comedian, but I don't know the path of doing this without actually telling your parents, that's it. I'm going to go, you know, live day to day. All this hard work that you put into making me a productive human being. Yeah. Yeah. that you put into making me a productive human being.

Yeah. I wasted. Yeah. So instead I thought, maybe if I separate them with an ocean, then I can do whatever I want. Yes. And they won't know. And by the time...

And they won't know. They sent you to school hoping you would come back and be able to massage them full time. They still got aching muscles. Oh, boy. Our dream was for you to massage our feet. Lucky for me, it was Scotland.

So that's what they needed. That in exchange for stage time. It all worked out pretty well. Yeah. Yeah. And then you moved from Scotland, presumably to London and then. Yeah. In the 15 years, we, me and a few other comics, we were all, yeah, we were in London for three years, then Manchester for another three years. And we'd go wherever the rent was good for the time being or wherever we thought you'd get the most gigs.

You know, cause Manchester in the middle of England was really hot for a while. They opened a new comedy store and they had a couple of junglers clubs. You're never far from another city in London either. So that's the thing about like living in Manchester, you're only an hour from Liverpool, a half an hour from Leeds, an hour and a half from Birmingham. So you're right in the smack dab. That's, you know, weekends of work. Yeah. And do you go back or are you done?

Done. Last time I was back was a while ago now, but I'm thinking of going back next year. I'm thinking of doing the Edinburgh Festival again. Next year,

I'll probably go do some shows. Yeah. Yeah. But it fits in. We just got renewed at the Jim Jefferies show. Well, there you go.

Congratulations. From both of us. Thanks, guys. From all of us here. From all of us here at Stop Buggy. Thanks, guys. Congratulations to you and Jim Jeffery.

But it could work out perfect because we've got 10 and 10. So we've got 10 from March to May and 10 episodes from September to December, which leaves us the summer, which right away for me, that was a sign that I could fit in Edinburgh Festival. Go over and have the British yell at me for the summer, which I can't think of anything better yeah exactly skip out on that and don't go surfing during this skip out on that don't learn a sunshine skill or anything yeah do you think you could learn surfing at this stage in your life no i don't think i can learn anything at this stage of my life it takes me forever to get out of bed, let alone pop off of a certain board. You got to get that pop. Yeah, they're all like, you got to practice your pop.

But the thing is, once you pop, it is difficult to remain unpopped. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that only refers to snack foods. Oh, okay. But it's very true. Not body parts. If you could learn something at our super advanced age, what would it be? Would it be an instrument? Would it be a language?

Would it be some sort of skill? I think it would be an instrument. Yeah? Yeah. Do you have your eye on one? I'm jealous of music. I bought a bass. Okay, here we go.

I bought a bass like three weeks ago. Okay, okay. And I've taken two lessons. So when I'm back on your podcast in five years, you guys can bring this up and I'll be like, no, that didn't work. But already I've come to Vancouver. I'm not dragging a bass around.

You can get a rental while you're here. Yeah, sure. Don't we have bass rentals at the airport? I've rented basses here. It's not expensive. No. I have rented something from Long McQuaid, and that was a year ago. Still have it.

They charge me $5 every month. What is it? A DI box. Oh. Yeah. I basically own it. Like, I think a couple more months, and then it's a whole month. You're just letting them charge you $5 every month?

Yeah. Great. Is a DI box like a colostomy bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why I rented it from them. The DI stands for diarrhea. Yeah, so like, do you have more lessons scheduled? Yeah, I haven't.

Not right now because I'm on the road. What do you want to learn to do on a bass? Do you want to like, like, like learn a few songs or do you want to be able to like, like, you know, hold down the rhythm section? Probably in my life, I've tried guitar three times. Okay. And I never get further than like a few, like G, C, D, and E. Oh, those are. Maybe a little bit of Brown Eyed Girl or like some easier songs.

Yeah. Brown Eyed Girl or like some easier songs. And I've always noticed that the simple, a simple little melody is basically that's as far as I can get. Yeah. Yeah. Simple, catchy thing. And I just thought maybe the bass with just some simple placements is more my level.

So I thought, that's why I thought. Do you have like a favorite, do you have a song you want to learn? Do you have a, or do you have like. Yeah. Someone you want to replicate. Like have or do you have like yeah uh someone you want to replicate nirvana he was the my teacher was trying to show me nirvana come as

you are that that start of come as you are that was the latest one and then you know just a few of those like i like some of the chili peppers starting riffs or green day or yeah so uh yeah pretty straightforward is that that's exciting though you did it yeah you got the first step yeah you did the first step do you know how many first steps are littered around my apartment what else you got yeah i got a the beginnings of a record collection okay i've got uh multiple uh multiple art books but those are with comedy jokes. So we're allowed to leave those unfinished. Yes. So I guess.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Art books. Do you, you like for sketching and things? No, those, those happen to be what I ended up buying to write in. Cause I can't stand lines actually when I'm writing, when I'm trying to write bits, yeah, cause I like to write kind of, I don't know. I like to write at a 45 degree angle actually.

And I like to, um, the lines screw with my head. I kind of just like scribbling an idea sideways. So I kind of like, huh. Those are the books I like. That is a wild man. Yeah. I don't know. It's just some of the structure of the lines that just annoys me right away.

I'm like, oh, I have to play by your rules now, book. This guy has a real problem with everyone's authority. Looking at you, Hilroy. I guess so. I had to be my own boss. I remember when I was a kid, the school would give you a book sometimes that was half lined and half not lined. And I don't know why. The bottom half was lined and the top half was not.

Maybe to draw pictures on the top half. Oh, in like a little workbook? Yeah, like a little workbook. Was this like in grade one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were like practicing, like, were the lines themselves broken up with a dotted line in the middle? I remember those. So you could learn the top half of the letter and the dotted line in the middle i remember those so you could

learn the top half of the letter yeah i remember those i remember those being on brown paper i remember i don't like it being on like i was like this is really recycled isn't it this is this is the first generation of recycled paper and it was rough and because you know what are you going to frame a kid practicing their letters that's going right in the trash I've never heard of the brown paper to be honest maybe it was only my school

it wasn't a great school they were recycling themselves it's brown what would you learn at this stage a language would be good a language would be amazing. Like, if I, like, just learned Mandarin.

Oh, so cool. And then just so you'd be able to go in and impress your boss from overseas. Yeah, I'd be able to, like, I don't know what it would be. Yeah, why did you settle on Mandarin? Well, because, I mean, I feel like it's a very important language. Yeah. Yeah. Given that, like, a quarter of the world's population speaks it.

Yeah. Or not quite, but. And it's, but it's also, like. And also, no, like, if you don't speak it, it's not like French where you can be like, I picked out, like, three or four words. Yeah. Yeah. There's just, it's like.

It's like a wall of sounds that you're like, I don't know which one is the beginning of a word, the end of a word. Like just to be able to know if people are talking about you. That would be nice. Although, would it be nice or would it actually be like a black mirror, you know, Twilight Zone? Toilet Zone? Yeah, the Toilet Zone. It's where Poopsie unicorn hangs out oh boy it's weird uh because i don't think when i was a kid that uh little girls would want to play with

a slime device but now today's girls are playing with slime devices yep they're allowed to play with whatever they want absolutely i mean when i i like i, I like, I think in the nineties, I saw L seven open for slime device. So some girls did play with slime device. Oh man. Um, and so, uh, so what else is going on in your life?

You're on tour and, uh, you're, you're here for a couple of weeks. What are you going to do? Yeah. I'm very excited to be here. I'm going to hang out with friends,

catch up with people. And I mean, believe it or not, I just, I had, I just been eating and I went to Tim Hortons yesterday and actually enjoyed it, which I know sounds ridiculous, but that's a little treat.

And I do intend to go see the Vancouver Canucks and see Stanley Park. You're going to do all the tourists.ouver canucks and see stanley park you're gonna do all the tourists all the usual stuff yeah just to like replenish you know the canadianness yeah but like tim hort i want would i miss it if i went away no no no not for a long time i even i texted a few people because they gave me stale lemon cake i I was like, I'm home baby. It felt like acknowledgement. I do have a, I like Tim Hortons chili. I don't know why,

but I had to have a Tim Hortons chili and lemon. And then I got this afterwards separately. Okay. Separately. All right. Pounding rain as it does in Vancouver. So like, all right,

I'm going to spend a half an hour in here. I can double down. I, cause like people complain about Tim Hortons you know changing their uh uh changing their ways like changing their original what it used to be but uh we didn't have it here until the 90s on the west coast oh really yeah oh and so like i don't know a tim hortons that didn't, that only had donuts and coffee. Like, I only know the ones that were like sandwich shops. And then, like.

Oh, you only knew them as an attempt at being a fast food restaurant. Ah. And so, I have no fondness for them. Right. Yeah, I kind of miss when they used to have 20 different donuts. Yeah. Because now there's no variety or anything. And, you know, but I'll survive.

Yeah, the. You're definitely going to survive. I just realized I'm about to go down to tim horton's no no i want to hear it i want i want to hear your love letter to tim horton yeah because uh when i was a kid in calgary the the equivalent was robin's donuts which was the the coffee and donut place that as a teenager, you could sit and smoke in for hours and not have to. Familiar with Robin's Donuts. But like Tim Hortons, you grew up in? Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia. Yeah. Coal Harbor. Nova Scotia. Home of Sidney Crosby. Oh, yeah. It's a very small town? No, it's a typical suburban town.

It's part of the Halifax Regional Municipality. Okay. You know, so. Yeah. And it like, but was Tim Hortons king out there or what? Tim Hortons is everywhere. Yeah. There was no 7-Elevens.

What? Our 7-Elevens were called Green Gables. That was our. That is. I do like that. They were all Green Gables. That was our... That is a bad name. I do like that. They were all Green Gables. And I remember that. And I remember feeling slightly offended when the Green Gables were, you know, I don't know,

I was 14 or whatever. I'm like, what is happening? Turning all our Green Gables into 7-Eleven. Oh, the Green Gables eventually went under. The Green Gables eventually, I don't know if they're still around. Oh, weird. Yeah, because there's... Yeah, eventually 7-Eleven came to town. I don't't know where 7-eleven started before taking over the world well because

in in uh very good question in quebec they don't i haven't seen i never saw any 7-elevens because they would have to call them seth always that's right but that's a huge deterrent all right we're not going there no but like that's what i mean i mean like i they would have to have the official sign in french that's right and i don't i've never seen a french 7-eleven sign no and also that's like isn't that uh what like max yeah mac they have max but they call it kushtard kushtard yeah but like yeah so you mean go to sleep late? I think. It does, does. Yeah. And they have an owl as their logo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Max had a cat with a hat, wearing a funky hat. Well, Mac. Oh, yeah. Or whatever, Tammo Shanturn. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, it's, because, yeah, I remember coming out here and being like where the hell are all the like because tim horton's huge in ontario like people line up for it yeah still yeah it's ridiculous and and not out here and everybody oh really yeah i know i say everybody lines up for

the coffee and stuff yeah yeah but but you can you can breeze in and out of a Tim Hortons. No problem. Uninterrupted. You can just grab a chili and lemon cake. Yeah, it's wild, isn't it? Chili and a lemon cake bowl. It's great. It's the staleness that makes it tasty.

Is there, is it like a candy or shop or anything like that from the UK that you miss? Like a specific thing that you can't get over here? I used to really like this Thai fusion place called Wagamama, and it's fast food as well. And I haven't seen it over here. I hear that they're creeping in every now and then. So I think I mentioned it before. Somebody said there was one in New York. Was it Times Square or whatever?

But I always liked that one. I think I've heard of that. Yeah, the M&M's store and Wagamama. forward somebody said there was one in new york like in was it times square okay but uh i think i've heard of that but like yeah the m&m store and and wagamama four floors of wagamama what i need man but with those type of things like yeah do you ever think you try it again and be like ah this is disgusting like entirely obliterates all your lovely memories well that's exactly what's happening with tim hortons yeah that's exactly what i went through sitting there eating this watery chili going what the fuck was i doing there's nothing quite as bad as a watery chili you want you want that spoon to stand straight up at attention yeah that's not gonna happen in two more do they do that they put the spoon in and then they hold it upside down and say it's like a frosty and then are they

gosh there's chili all over the floor by the way is there a big napkin etiquette here because i tim hortons with my chili and my stale lemon cake and separate chips they would only give me one napkin and the napkins are behind the counter and i had some sushi a couple hours ago at a place down down here on the here on that street yeah um and same thing one napkin while i'm like managing a whole meal and they see and then another i ate somewhere else yesterday it was like one napkin everybody seems to have these conservative is that a vancouver i don't know i've not noticed this but I'm notorious like I am the guy who always forgets I need a napkin to begin with like at restaurants

where you can just grab a handful I will go sit down eat my food and then be like oh why didn't I get a napkin what's wrong with me I'm covered in it I'm soaking in it oh right I love the comfort zone of a napkin i need to know i can get messy yeah yeah it never occurs to me until it's too late but yeah i found them very conservative here and the fact that you can't find them on the main floor yeah both the sushi place i was in and the tim hortons and the other restaurant that i was in i had to go to a different floor ask the waiter like ask the waiter and like they're behind the counter or whatever.

I know right now the big thing is straws. They're not giving out straws anymore. That's, although today I got up, I went to a restaurant, I got a paper straw and that was, it was good. It was fun for two sips and then soggy. And then just the top of it just started caving in on itself they really need to improve so in those like old archie comics before plastic existed yeah and they're like sharing a uh a milkshake with two straws yeah are they both like they they got a you know

betty and archie have a heart above their head yeah yeah yeah but in their minds they're like this is so gooey so slimy well they didn't know they didn't know any better that was paper as well was it i'm guessing before literally literally before the movie the graduate came out and the guy said plastics no one used plastic oh yeah. Yeah. I was like, did they make, like, was metal straws a thing or? I guess maybe at like a soda shop. They would have. Well, no. I think it, I think it was paper. Cause it was those multicolored, like what you get now.

Anyways. Yeah. But yeah, maybe. It sucked. It sucked then. It sucks now. But I hear that pasta straws are the way forward i hear that's the thing that we're gonna discover now okay and i think it's starting here in canada i do believe

they're canadian companies are going so they're made of like wheat they're basically a big macaroni yeah it's like a big big long macaroni i know this guy who stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni. So, yeah, when I hear that, that makes sense. Yeah. That's good. Like, I used to use a Twizzler. Sure. That's a lot of fun. The world could be so much better.

Yeah. If we were all using Twizzlers. Yeah, just any edible straw. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that does make more sense. Like, although it's the same sort of uh paper issue like you get have a piece of pasta oh it's gonna be in a paper well no you haven't but like you

have a piece of pasta that's uh you know it gets i think you have more time you have more time unless it's coffee or something or something hot then i think you'd have less time. But I feel like it would get... When you're cooking your pasta. It would get gooey on the inside. Yeah. It was slower, but when it got gooey, it would be like a weird gluten.

Unless you were sucking up a chili bowl, then it would be like that last gulp would be so good. Outside the Tasty Freeze, sucking up chili bowl. Are they gluten free? If you have a gluten allergy, can you not drink out of a straw now?

Good lord. This is true. Yeah, I don't know. We're going to have to do a deep dive into this puppy. Is there a rice noodle? How are they treating them? Going back to the napkin thing, people seemingly cannot be trusted with unlimited napkins.

I think that's the issue, yeah. Yeah, because I've seen people grab what looks like a small phone book of napkins. This is very Vancouver compassionate of you. To grab the side of the proprietor that are hoarding the napkins. This is what blows my mind. You know what? I can see how the owners because i've seen guys grab and it's always guys well not but i've seen them grab like an insane like you couldn't possibly be that messy so they're taking them for home i guess yeah like

or like i keep a bunch in my car from takeout or from drive-thrus. Yeah, I got it, man. The customs yesterday pulled out in one of my secret pockets. I forgot that I had a bunch of napkins and a sheepie in them. A sheepie is a facilitator? A sheepie is a little rubber peeing device that you can use. If you're a sheep? If you're a girl. If you're a sheep. If you're a girl. If you're a she if you're a girl

if you're a guy it's just a fancy hat but if you're a girl yeah I bought it to bother my girlfriend this is something you inherited so that a woman

can pee standing up she's she pees but if they can pee standing up what's stopping them they'll be like like what's next they're gonna take over

yeah but they won't be interested in doing that if they can't have enough napkins that's true maybe that's i think it's also that in this city it's uh uh the like there is a large homeless population and especially in restaurants there is a power struggle for where where the homeless can go yeah that's true what they can have access to and it's definitely like like starbucks has become the the new library in terms of right like the place to hang out during the day it's warm and that the employees are like, this is not my shop. I could care less. Is it okay if I bring this Diana Kroll CD to the bathroom?

No offense, but it's hard to separate the homeless from the comedians. Because I got followed yesterday when I was in the shoppers down there after the gig. It was like 11.40 at night now and I'm walking back to the hotel. You're like, it was like 1140 at night now. And I'm walking back to the hotel and I just,

you're like, where are your sheepies? You guys get sheepies? I want free napkins. Yeah. Maybe I do it to myself. But I did, there was a guy,

the security guy was following me around the court, like the corner. I was just looking for snacks. Yeah. There's nothing less subtle on earth than the security guy was following me around the corner like the corner i was just looking for snacks yeah there's nothing less subtle on earth than the security guy at a uh at a pharmacy because they they they don't blend they're wearing like a bright yellow t-shirt and they got nothing to do like so if you're the only person in the store they're gonna i told you about the one jobs worth one time i was uh i was right after margot was born and I was like in a safe way

in the middle of the day and there were just like plainclothes security guys but they were the dumbest they were like so obviously security guys but like we're smart we're dressed normally it was just like

a big dumb guy and a small smart guy you're thinking in the brain really yeah it was just like a like like a big dumb guy and a small smart guy it was uh home alone oh did you see i i saw an ad that they're doing home alone with the symphony orchestra oh really well why not like of all the movies yeah i didn't even realize the home alone had that had a soundtrack yeah i mostly think of the uh rocket around the christmas tree scene yeah although you know what there's a seinfeld episode where george is unemployed yeah and he's watching home alone but they have like cartoony sounds in it. But like when Home Alone came out, I was a kid and I thought that he was a shitty kid.

And I like the movie now more as an adult. But at the time that it came out, I was like, this is just some. Why didn't those robbers just beat him up? They had ample time to just beat the crap out of this. I have to admit, Home Alone is one of those movies that I've only ever seen in small segments. I never saw it as a whole in the cinema. And whenever I've seen it on TV,

I've seen it for like one commercial distance. I think the next commercial, you should, you know, the best way to see it is with the orchestra. So jump right in, right into the deep end. Dave, what's going on with you man?

Well Here it comes The other day I went to a hockey game Got another ticket package this year For the Vancouver Canucks 10 games Another opportunity at 10 feet of hot dogs Dave's going to eat 10 feet of hot dog oh okay so one foot per game but how do you get to choose the 10 games do you have to

no they have uh 10 game packages okay and you just get to pick there's four 10 game packages to choose from oh and they show you the games oh okay yeah oh right okay um and yeah so like package a package b i think i'm package c maybe i'm package d oh sure uh i got it i went the other day i've rented two of them so far and uh this uh the hot dog thing's not gonna happen again dreams are dashed why what what happened did you only get did you get two are you two feet in no i'm only one only one foot in. Oh, no. I'm one foot in the grave. Yeah. Why?

What happened? Why? Why? What happened? I had dinner instead. Oh, Dave. We had leftovers that night, and I was like, well, I should just eat these leftovers. Next game, just have two hot dogs.

You're letting the dream slip away. That's true. Two feet of hot dogs in one night? Yeah. It's getting harder to do a thing like that as i get older some dreams have to die the other night i was eating a little uh yeah i had a pint of ben and jerry's jimmy fallon ice cream. His greatest work. And I was eating it and I was like,

I'll eat half of it. But then I got like 51% of the way through and I was like, I might as well eat all of it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the Dave ice cream conundrum I'm familiar with.

So I ate the whole thing and my head was spinning afterwards. It was just too much. Wow. Like all these food feats, I can't do them anymore. What was your all-time greatest food feat um one time i ate a bunch of feet gross uh after my rugby team crashed in the andes

um so yes i went to a hockey game team's looking great this year very Very exciting team. A lot of goals. Yeah. On both ends. Very fast. On both sides. Very speedy. Very speedy. This great new Swede, young Swede, Elias Pedersen. Yeah. So he's 18 now.

No, just turned 20. Just turned 20. As a Canucks fan, as people who live in Vancouver, don't you get pissed off, though, that you got mediocrely good too quick? Because the real formula in North American sports is that you need to suck for three or four years to get three or four big draft picks at the time of this recording we've lost seven games in a row so so don't count your chickens okay all right but i i i'm happy to see us lose games, you know, 5-3 rather than 3-0. Right.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And the game I went to was Canucks fight cancer night. So they played against cancer that night? They played against cancer. Okay. And they lost 5-3. Yeah.

So. Oh, no. This kid came out and dropped the puck at the beginning, a kid with cancer, and he was in a wheelchair. And for his photo op, he did, like, did his, did, like, a wheelie in his wheelchair. That's fun. It was pretty cool. Now, how can you do a wheelie? Was he on, like, a carpet thing?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. Because doing a wheelie on ice on like a carpet thing yeah yeah okay okay because doing a wheelie on the ice that'd be a bit dangerous but it would be amazing it would be pretty amazing yeah like doing donuts too yeah like i'm surprised the zamboni doesn't crash more often more often than never yeah you very rarely hear about a game canceled due to zamboni zamboni error although i slams into the board it just keeps i don't know it is a tough turn i mean i couldn't even mow my dad's lawn with perfect lines no going up so i do marvel a bit at the zamboni i'm just gonna open up youtube and look for zamboni crashes zamboni crash Let's just see Whoa Zamboni crash Did people ride

On the Zamboni Here Like Cause at the Kings games I was at a Kings game When was the World Series A couple weeks ago

We went to See the Kings play The Rangers And There's two Zambonis Which I assume the Canucks Do as well And they have people

Riding on them And then they announce it While they're riding like riding on the front samboni this week uh you know out of burbank it's sam jones sam jones 35 he's here with his kids wave sam and then sam's just sitting there on the seat like waving and i'm just i was watching with my brother-in-law we We're like, who would want to do this? I will tell you who. This guy right here. Now that I know that's a possibility.

Wouldn't you realize a minute into this event that you still got like 10 more. Riding around on the worst national lampoon journey ever. I'll bring a crossword with me. And then just do the crossword around the front. Now that would be fun. If you were grumpy about it. Yeah. Yeah, just barely looking up from your Sudoku.

Waving people off. Leave me alone. These are grown-ups? Yeah, they were grown-ups. They were complete adults. And he was riding on the Zamboni. I was just like, what's going on? How is this a prize?

Yeah, I can see a kid wanting it but yeah yeah I can understand a kid enjoying it now that they have these things like instead of just having the t-shirt cannon now they have this like boy a gatling gun where they crank it and like

and they have three of them and t-shirts just like rock it out 10 at a time t-shirt it's short-lived yeah because you know it's not there's not like someone holding a chain of t-shirts it'd be fantastic oh boy um and the other thing well at the hockey game so uh like i i haven't done stand-up in in many years and uh but was there a stand-up at the hockey yeah hey anyways these zambonis oh god what a nightmare instead we're sorry just have a stand-up do the national anthem you had to follow the cancer kid who does a wheelie in his wheelchair. Yeah, and then you're like, ah, anyways.

Once I'm with napkins at Pim Hortons. You only have one napkin, am I right? Boo. Get off the ice. One thing I will say about the arena, plenty of napkins. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. But I haven't done stand-up in many years uh but occasionally

a premise will cross my mind and i'm like oh this would be is this like a thing that everyone has experienced that i could like this would be a good bit so uh um do you guys ever have a thing where you're going to an event and you got the pot the the ticket in your pocket but there's that little perforated edge uh on the ticket and it like bends a little bit in your pocket, but there's that little perforated edge on the ticket, and it bends a little bit in your pocket, and you're worried you're going to tear off the thing, the barcode. Yeah.

It's not a huge worry. So, like, that was a pretty good bit, right? You've got to get out there and try this stuff, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't just leave it here. The world is missing out dude I can get you

you wanna do five minutes tonight I'll throw you on for five can I open for you opening for Jim Jeffries opening for Guns N' Roses let's get out what's up with the perforated edge do you guys ever

stress you out like it stresses me out a little bit like it's flapping around in your pocket this guy's worse than the stand-up comedian at the hockey game. It's all digital. My ticket's on my phone.

I know, but sometimes you still do. Occasionally you're given a ticket. Yeah, I think it's pretty universal. If someone gets tickets for christmas to something do they do they show them the app now yeah you just get or you know maybe you print out the web page here's the confirmation go that extra yard oh yeah you get a nice necklace made with the confirmation code or half the confirmation code and then you're necklaced. Yeah, maybe at the game. That's pretty good.

That is pretty good. So yeah, that's what's going on with me. Fun. Hockey. Hockey. I went and saw the Vegas Golden Knights play at home as well and I saw that whole,

you know, they get a knight. Do you know about this? No, no, no. They really, they'll tell me everything. They have a skating knight at the start who's, okay, they've got like two like bird's

nests up in the balcony. It's medieval times on ice. I love this. So this golden knight like comes out in the Vegas uniform and then he's being mic'd up and he'll be like, who dares come to our gates? And then whoever's visiting, like the Oilers

on this day, it'll be a skater with an Oilers jersey comes out and it's, we are the the soldiers from edmonton and then they fight they have a little sword fight on with with spotlight on the ice and then the vegas soldier like stabs him and kills him and then they start the hockey game and everybody's relatively disappointed yeah because uh you're really yeah you're advertising something they can never possibly have yeah you want the theatrics but i have to admit we so this was in and also they the vegas golden knight wins every night yeah he's like the harlem globetrotters but i think there's other hockey teams that are starting to do this yeah now they're kind of

poaching the idea and i don't know who but i saw another team and it wasn't even related like it was like the dallas stars or something and then all of a sudden they had a night coming out because they should have a cowboy yeah it should be a cowboy that's a good idea but it wasn't yeah they're all stealing this pre-show idea now um i have to say the vegas gold knights, we went to the game and all I heard was about this great fanfare because apparently they changed the game for all the teams in the NHL. They were all starting to realize, oh, we can do this big pre-show that really gets people excited.

Right. And especially for the fans in Vegas who didn't know much about ice hockey per se. They know Wayne Newton. Yeah, they're field hockey people. Yeah, they were all Newton. Yeah. They're field hockey people. Yeah. They were all, all into their field hockey. You had to show them that nights are on the ice. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So is it quite a spectacle before the game? Yeah. So they put on this big show and also Cirque du Soleil. We heard that Cirque du Soleil, the week before the game, we went there,

Cirque du Soleil did the entertainment in both, in between both periods. So we're really excited. And Jim, I was taking Jim Jim Jeffries he'd never been to a game I was like you're gonna love it they do all this stuff and I can't wait hopefully Cirque du Soleil will do this thing you know they descend from the rafters and all this but we didn't we had an Elvis wedding instead and it was the most disappointing thing when you're expecting like acrobatics and huge entertainment and instead like this fat elvis or they just have an old lady at a machine yeah he found so he did he

find an old it looked like that's where he found it looked like if elvis was still alive basically this guy's been there forever and he recruited an audience member and it was so contrived and he's like do you guys want to get married tonight and then they said yes and we had to sit around for that so it was wow thoroughly yeah i really just wanted the gold you wanted you wanted some cirque de soleil yeah i wanted i wanted some fanfare man flipping quebec wads i wanted some big fanfare that would be very funny if the the uh the cirque de soleil they're somewhere in the audience tonight and they're all stacked up in one seat together because they're acrobatic. It's pretty good. What was the idea we came up with about the

Kiss Cam last year? Can't remember. I know, I don't remember either. Was it like an opposite? Oh, you know what? It was me in a full-on hot dog. And it just says eat it underneath and then everybody just watches until you finish? Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. They cheer you on. Yeah. What's up with you? Well, that would be more encouraging than you'd finally get your quota. They'd play Weird Al's Eat It. That's true. That's the kind of motivation you need.

Also, the nachos are good. Do they come in like a Canucks helmet yup that's a serious question no they don't but I know

what you mean like a baseball helmet is that a baseball thing alright but not it's not nachos

it's I only see like an ice cream sundae oh right at Dodger Saban's nachos oh really

like a big helmet? With cheese and everything. Oh, yeah. It's messy. I don't know. And then you've just got this disgusting helmet. This disgusting helmet. Ah, souvenir.

Oh, boy. To take home. They've got it all figured out. I tell you. Yeah. Yeah. But it's... Did you ever see Mary Hart there?

At what? At the LA Kings game? At the Dodgers game. Oh. Or... No, I haven't seen Mary Hart there? At the LA Kings game? At the Dodgers game. Oh. No, I haven't seen Mary Hart. She's right behind

the home plate. Really? Oh, you watch the season tickets? Yeah, and like when they're in the playoffs, it's just celebrity row, but

it's like Larry King and Mary Hart. Kobe Bryant was there, and Conan O'Brien was a big. Yeah. Or no, Conan O'Brien, sorry, was there because he's from Boston.

Right. It'll be weird when Larry King's not around anymore. Because he's just always been, he's always been around. And for my entire memory, he's always been a very old man. Yeah. And it'll just be like when there's one set of suspenders. And he was like, I was holding your pants up. They raise the suspenders to the ceiling at CNN.

Vancouver, BC, go ahead. What's up with you, Graham? Oh, boy. I had an occasion to go over to Salt Spring, which is an island. Yeah. And harder to get to than Las Vegas or Toronto. It's like a crazy, you have to take a ferry and then transfer and get on a different type of ferry. For how long?

It's like a four-ish hour jaunt. Oh, wow. If you had a boat. If you had a boat, I think it would be like 45 minutes or something like that. Like from Richmond to there, you could zip over. But you know what? I don't have a boat. You lost the boat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a card game. Oh, boy. This is a really bad trip. Yeah. Went over on my own boat. Came back in the ferry. Don't go to Salt Spring.

And I had never been over there before. Real laid back over there. All those islands are. There's no Gulf Island that's like the business island. Yeah. Life's not going to move very fast when it takes you four hours to get anywhere anyway. And it feels like there's a part of it that feels very much by design,

like that it's hard to get over there, and that's why it's so popular. But there's people that commute. Yeah. And it's... They must own boats. They got to. Yeah, right? Yeah. Or is there like a must own boats. They gotta, yeah, right? Yeah.

Or is there, does there, is there like a, a sea airport, like a water? There is, yeah. But it's like 150 bucks or whatever to fly, which, you know, sure, some people have 150 bucks and you know what I say to those people? Must be nice. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not a fan of the commute no i don't even i don't have a car in uh in los angeles anymore so how do you i'm uber and lyft i'm all about uber and lyft okay or occasionally a bird which is uh the scooters the scooters i don't know what i hate it when you said bird i come on. But you would be amazed at these little scooters that you get pay as you go and you just jump on them and you're off. And I think they're great. Is it bird with a Y? I think it is.

I think it is. I'm not sure. It's a black logo with wings. That's all. That's what I mostly remember. But then I mostly Lyft and Uber and I bike. I bike to work. Of course, I work at a studio.

Right. Los Palmas, Hollywood Studios. And it's like a 15-minute bike ride just cruising down Santa Monica in Hollywood. And when I realized that, I got rid of my car. Really? Yeah. And it's been the most liberating. Because having a car, actually, I did find it a pain in the ass in Los Angeles.

Just because you have to move it all the time for street cleaning restrictions. Parking restrictions and all this. Why is there so much street cleaning going on there? Well, I feel like it's a rigged operation just so that they can get the parking ticket money and generate. Right, okay. I always feel that way. Yeah, so if you don't have a driveway or somewhere to park your car. Do you find that you park on the driveway and drive on the parkway

is this another one of your premises why are apartments all together um so you were on island time I was on island time

say it with the accent island time uh and I at the first uh pub that I went to

the first did you go on the sorry I went on the pub that I went to. The first? Did you go on the, sorry. I went on the pub tour. Was this a pub crawl? No, but as soon as you get to an island, you want to soak in the local. You got to get some stories, get in tune. And right away, somebody recognized me from the podcast. Oh.

You can't get away. Oh, boy. Yeah. I know, with your level of celebrity. You can't get away. Did you get. I know. With your level of celebrity. You can't get away. Did you get free stuff? I got a free drink.

Was it a rewarding? Yeah. Someone working there? Yeah, somebody working there. Yeah. And so I did that. And like I say, four-hour ferry. I guess people just let their kids do whatever they want on a four-hour ferry.

Oh, yeah. People just give up parental duties for that four hours. Was there a video game section? No, this. Was there a conch shell? Yeah, exactly. Where did they get that pig's head? Yeah, it was like the ferry that's four hours straight is like, there's no, no frills.

There's no, there's no arcade. There's no, uh, fancy cafeteria. It's just like a, a bare bones cafeteria for four hours. Yeah. Ouch. Yeah. That's where you need to, you need a crossword puzzle. Well, even the ferry to Vancouver Island's only like two hours, right? Yeah.

Not even 90 minutes. Isn't it? Is it is it full of it's full of engineering there's a night that comes out at the beginning and uh i think they got rid of the arcades on those on the victoria to the victoria uh possibly i do i wouldn't know i i didn't spend a lot of time in them when when they were popular my parents would when i was a kid on the, my parents wouldn't let me in the arcade. And then as an adult, it had already, the urge had passed. The courts won't let you in the arcade. Oh, it was something. And then this week, I had to go to North Vancouver twice, which is, that's two more times than I've been in, say, the past two years.

This was a debater show? Yeah, this was connected to the debaters. Were there two shows? The two shows. Is that why you went twice? Okay. And like, North Vancouver may as well be the island as well. Well, especially because transportation is tough here

isn't it it's not really it's it's all right is it uh i mean to get to north vancouver it's not set up why don't you have uber and left and stuff we're not for lack. Yeah, we're not sure why. All right. Like, honestly, I'm not sure why. Because we had one government that wouldn't allow it, and then we elected a different government, and they won't allow it. Yeah, they said they were going to allow it, and now they've come out with a thing that, yeah, they did. They fooled us. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And you have that bike sharing thing, but it's too confusing. Well, I haven't tried it. I was thinking again, because there's one, there's a whole rack of them right by my hotel. And I thought, oh, this will be good. But it's 10 bucks a day. But it's 10 bucks a day plus five bucks if you go over a half an hour in the day. So it's 10 bucks for the day for as many half hour trips as you want.

And so I wrote them. Oh, so if you did a 40-minute trip, then you would have five. Then you get an extra five. But if you would have... So I've had a whole back and forth. Oh, so... Can you just give me a day charge?

I just want your bike. So if you did $10 a day and you dropped it off in 29 minutes and then got on a different one and did another 11 minutes... Then you're playing by their rules. What? Then you're okay.

But if you got on one and started biking around Stanley Park or something and realized that the 25th minute minute then you're playing by their rules what then you're okay but if you got on one and say started biking around stanley park or something and realized that the 25th minute you're not gonna get to it i was like this to me sets up your whole day of trying to bike to the next rack or whatever you call it yeah yeah yeah storage area i i i've never done it i uh i biked when i was a kid and then i forgot how I've never done it. Me neither.

I biked when I was a kid and then I forgot how. How are you going to teach your kids? I don't know. It's just like riding a bike. You're just going to tell them that? Yeah. Sometimes you forget things. It's just like riding a bike.

Yeah. You can do it, man. I dodge in and out of traffic now. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Do you wear a helmet? I do. I do wear a helmet.

Okay. The very least you wear a helmet. The very least wear a helmet. I've got a couple new scars. Oh, yeah. Do you wear a helmet? I do. I do wear a helmet. Okay. Don't score. The very least, you wear a helmet. The very least, wear a helmet. I've got a couple new scars. Oh, jeez. Get that one. Yeah. Is that from falling off? For the home listener, JJ pulls dick.

It's just for the homeless look. It was from an angry squirrel. Of all things. Yeah, I got attacked by a squirrel on my bike. Angry squirrel. Of all things. Really? Yeah, I got attacked by a squirrel on my bike. I was on a perfectly clear street. Just biking straight ahead. Well, that's because it had been cleaned.

Yeah, that's true. And this squirrel just came out of nowhere and tried to attack my bike. I bet you he came out of a tree. Yeah, I don't know what I did to him on previous journeys. So is that, that from a squirrel bite? Yeah, he,

no, it's from, uh, when he, he came at my bike. It could be a sheep. At my foot. Yeah,

that's true. Oh yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to be squirrelist or whatever. I, yeah, my foot came off my,

the pedal, I, foot came off the pedal when the squirrel attacked and, uh, and I took a bit of a tumble. And I do think my helmet came in handy.

I always thought the helmet would be great if a car is out of control and hits me. Not a squirrel. Turns out it saved me from a squirrel concussion. My brother was attacked by a goose. Right. Yeah. And he fell off his bike. They just go mental.

Yeah. I don't know yeah it's definitely like you don't think you don't think it when you wake up in the morning you don't think wildlife yeah you never think it's gonna happen to me yeah a couple weeks ago i've got i was right in the middle of a crow fight a couple of crows were fighting each other and they swooped down like right in front of my face it was crazy the other day i was at the park and uh this this guy there's two dads and there are two kids and they had uh set aside like three bags of wendy's oh yeah and these crows were like this is ours yeah give me and they were like the dads were like get away from our our food

our delicious food and they're like no so they had like, get away from our food. Our delicious food. And they were like, no. So they had to go get the, pick up the bags and hold them. So the crows didn't get them. And then they left a drink and the crows were like, my drink. Like literally just like pulling the straw out, poking at the top of it. They don't need straws. The crows don't need straws.

The crows doesn't want your drink. This is just for spite at this point yeah or sprite what uh you were saying north vancouver oh it's just it's it's again it's like it's an aisle like it's designed that they don't want you over there right like people in north van they've they've set it up so that you can either get there on a very time-consuming bridge or a boat. Those are your two options to get over there. Sometimes I'll go.

Hell of a petting zoo. That's true. They've got a good petting zoo. They've got that key. They've got the Lonsdale key. But it's a thing that I always forget it's a part of this city it's part of our ecosystem

it really is part of our heritage but yeah there's people who do that is this a word I was just thinking I'm going to be hosting my lady friend when she comes up

I feel like I've got plans but I'm guessing North be hosting my lady friend when she comes up. I feel like I've got plans, but they don't. But I, yeah, I'm guessing North Vancouver is missable. Yeah. Sorry to assume that. Unless you want to see what the city looks like from the opposite side. And then you can be like, yeah. Yeah, no, it's a great view.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you can, but that's it. That's the only. I mean, it's got mountains. If you want to go up a mountain, that's like looking at Niagara, like crossing into Buffalo to look at Niagara and go,

yes. Oh, this is our Buffalo. Thank you. Better on the other side. Yeah. All right. I get it now.

I've just declared war on the whole, the whole North shore. And the views of Graham Clark don't. Oh no. Uh, I think it's fine uh it was uh but yeah that the we have like it's a weird because we have the train and we have buses and then this this sea bus that um that everybody gets on and acts like it's a normal thing to just be on the

water for half an hour or however long it is right Right. Like nobody, but that's people's day. Every day they get on that thing. That's a lot of confidence. You're like Colin Jost. You don't know what a real job is like. People commute places. I know. But I'm used to just commuting all on land, all on one type of surface, uh, the not having to jump up.

Well, I guess I do go across a bridge. Yeah. And maybe they find the tranquility of sitting there on a boat to be easier. You know, I, I, that's, I actually liked that part. That's the other thing about not having a car now and having to do like more Ubers or lifts, um, than usual, but you actually do realize, oh, I just don't have. You can turn your brain off. Yeah. You can just chill out.

And so I don't know if I had to commute by boat. Well, I've had various times in my life where I have had to have a little ferry ride somewhere or whatever. She's from the East Coast. Yeah, sure. From the East Coast. And I used to live in Scotland for a while. That's right. So Leith, there's a little ferry down in Leith.

There's sunshine on Leith. And, and, yeah, and I, yeah, I can enjoy a trip when I, when I don't have to drive and I don't have to be behind the. When they don't make you pilot the boat. Yeah. Yeah. You can just sit there and go, all right, I got this last little bit to tune out. Especially if you're heading to a shitty job. I worked in Sulphur Mountain, actually.

Sulphur Mountain Gondola and Banff. That sounds terrible. Yeah, it does sound terrible. Top of that gondola in Banff. And I remember we had a staff bus. I remember that. Getting out of the apartment, getting on that bus, and for that 20 minutes, that's the end. You're just prepping.

You're prepping. You're headed to the battlefield. I don't know what Sulphur Mountain is, but I'm picturing a big yellow fiery mountain. Sulphur Mountain is the big mountain in Banff. You know, the big touristy mountain. Oh, it's a terrible name. They're one on all their postcards. Yeah.

And like, what did you do? You were at the top of the gondola. You welcomed people. I started as the ice cream guy. Yes. And I graduated to waiter eventually. Oh, sure. And then you got people i was i started as the ice cream guy yeah and i graduated to waiter eventually oh sure okay and then you got that degree and you started massaging people yeah and then then masseuse i was i was the sulfur mountain ice cream shop masseuse

people were really happy by the time they get back on that gondola. A massage and an ice cream. That's a happy ending. I was hoping for. Oh boy, do we want to move on to some overheard? Sure. Or business.

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often still awkward friends every thursday by subscribing to the jv club on maximumfun.org overheard overheard what is this this is a segment where we share things we've overheard oh cool and we always like to start with the guest jj will you lead the way um all right i think i might be breaking the rules though this isn't eavesdropping it was more i it it's it did occupy a lot of brain space yesterday though when it happened in the airport. I'm sure this quality. And it was an announcement. Yeah. And I just, the announcement, I don't know if it's a hack announcement either.

Like, you know how some airlines, some budget airlines, they've got like a little presentation that they do when they do, when they show you the exits or whatever. Right. Okay. You know how they dream up cliche things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, at the back serving you is wicked wendy and or whatever yeah but this was in the in the concourse in the waiting area for departures when they were announcing uh people who who needed to come to the kiosk like come and see me like sam wilson and they listed all these names and then and then finally and it made everybody laugh because the guy went and and also wendy fleming your family is about to leave without you and everybody laughed and i was left thinking multiple things i was like is there actually an angry family yeah yeah they can't find wendy and they're making this guy do this on the announcement is it and the most likely answer i figure was that this is just his Thanksgiving shtick that somebody's told him like, do this, it'll be funny on a day like today.

Or, you know, I was like, there's a whole variety. Or is Wendy Fleming real, but her family is not really worried about her. So I was trying to figure out, it was good it did the timing was good he got a good laugh out of people there and i was like is this legit or is this guy just going to do this for the next flight i really enjoyed it i didn't even conceive that you would have been traveling on the the american thanksgiving yeah weekend good it insane? No, it was really easy. It looked insane because coming up to LAX airport, the traffic was huge. But then as soon as we came around the crest, everybody was going to arrivals.

There was nobody departures. It was like 90, 10%. Wow. 10% departures. So it was the easiest security and departure i've ever had but i imagine oh because it was picking up yeah taking hours now everyone travels before the day yeah i guess the day before the day after are the huge days and i guess los angeles is a city of eight million people so there's still millions of arrivals but yeah really easy really i was like

wow i was in that departure department for so maybe i was slowly going crazy and that's why i found this comment on the tannoy so entertaining but i think fleming your family is leaving without you but i think you do the you know if you're the person that's always working the uh the whatever it is telephone speaker thing like if you've got any kind of performance kind of sensation. Yeah, you can't have it. You gotta add a little. Yeah, a little razzmatazz.

These people are giving me nothing. Is it me? Hard cry. I was flying back from Saskatoon a couple months ago. Weeks ago. You weren't on my flight.

No. Why weren't we together? Because I went later in the day. I guess I had like a 7 a.m. flight or something. Yeah. And it was still dark out and there were like, it was practically empty airport. And the guy made the announcement like pre-boarding now begins anyone who is

you know member of our elite status or anyone who is in the first few rows anyone who is in an exit row

anyone who's traveling with children come on get up and board and no one got up and he was it was the weirdest thing he started clabbing

his hand come on like I'm not getting anything from these people worst and it was the weirdest thing and he started clapping his hand. Come on! Like, I'm not getting anything from you people. The worst comparing skills. Yeah. Come on, people! Normally, like, everyone gets up and assumes, oh, that's me, I'm special.

Come on, come on, people. Dave, do you have it over? Mine is not quite hockey related, but it is ice related. so i'll take it uh my daughter margo is taking skating classes excellent and all the parents hang out right next to the rink watch through the glass and uh this old man was there i guess a kid's grandparent uh grandfather was there and i'm standing Right next to the Glass Right next to the

Where the Boards open The little door And The It's a rink It's freezing Everyone's wearing

Sweaters and coats And things And He closes the door And goes Too drafty What are we Heating outside

Come on Like this little Threefoot door is what's the only thing that's keeping the cold air on the ice and away from you it's just uh uh it's still cold after it changed that's why that's what i'm wondering it did not change anything follow up with him at all like hey how's that how's that how's the draft yeah has a draft. Shut up. I thought it might help. Did they have little plastic things? No. Oh, really?

What does she use to stand up? That's the first lesson. The T-stop? No, the first lesson is how to get up after you fall. So it's like getting up. A lesson for life. exactly and then i guess well i think maybe the first lesson is how to fall safely yeah then how to get up and you're

supposed to land right on your hips you're supposed to in midair take your helmet off and aim for the bridge of the nose it centers the body so you can take the weight i think that's how that's right uh and there's uh yeah and then like she's a i don't know six seven lessons in now the first five weeks have just been like little tiny steps yeah and uh now it's like do a bunch of steps and then touch your toes and you'll kind of glide as you're touching your toes. Oh, right. Okay. Because you're not paying attention to it anymore.

Yeah. And also speaking of Zambonis, because the Zamboni comes and cleans the ice, they have these like markers, these like felt pens that they draw a path on the ice for the kids to follow. Oh, wow. So like go here. Putting pylons out of business. Yeah, exactly. go here and then they'll do a little circle with arrows on it so turn around here one go try to do one foot here i gotta say that's one of those things that you're like

how long did it take us oh come up with that because clearly we could have been doing that in the 90s yeah it's like wheels on suitcases and stuff like when it's just the answer is right there and we're like what why weren't we doing this the wheels on suitcases they go round and round it did take too long it's fascinating how long it took like the fact that it was a guy who was a traveling salesman like the guy who came up with it yeah he was at an airport and it just dawned on him you know it'd be easier than literally carrying a suitcase everywhere which has been like we had the wheel it's crazy yeah well my thing is this is my thing it's uh like i don't have a landline anymore but when i did i had a cordless phone and if you can't find your phone,

there's a button on the base, uh, like the, the phone base. Yeah. And it will find your phone for you. Yeah. Why isn't that on every TV remote?

Like, Oh, I can't find my TV. My remote hit the button on the TV. The remote will ring. That's it. Yeah. What is wrong with us?

Yeah. I don't know why it's not on everything. Yeah. Toilets should have a foot pedal. So you can do, you don't have to lift up. So you can do a Wawa. I don't know why it's not on everything. Yeah. Toilets should have a foot pedal. So you don't have to lift up the seat. So you can do Wawa. So you don't have to. Yeah, so that you can play with it.

Yeah, make it talk. And do a little. Do a little stick. Yeah. It's. It's remarkable some of the things that take us too long. Yeah. The ideas are right there

why isn't anyone making these things yeah but like I feel like when I learned how to skate it was all

that you had to push out like you had to balance yourself on a chair I don't know if that like yeah I did that too

but I don't think I ever took lessons I think I just no I definitely didn't take lessons so I they're available. They're there for when there's whatever, free skate.

Right. But that's not part of the curriculum. Oh, okay. I did speed skating first, I remember. Like going around. I started in speed skating. So, I just remember the T-stop and all that kind of stuff. What?

Oh, okay. And then I went into hockey. Then my father put me into i got because margo started skating i got some skates so i could get back into it and like maybe one day i'll play hockey again and i was like it hurt my feet so much the first time i did it i think i no give no give and then i was like trying to stop on one side and then like stop on my, with my left foot. And then like stop with my right. Then a couple of steps, stop with my left.

I could not stop with my left. No. And then I remembered, I don't know if I ever knew how to do that. No. Yeah. I'm weak stopping with my, on my right side. I remember. Yeah.

It feels like it, uh, like it all came coming back. It all came coming, uh, that, uh, I maybe that I maybe never had this skill. Yeah. Like, yeah, I'm the same way. The last time I went skating, I was like, how good was I at this? Not very. Never very good at this. You haven't overheard?

I do. Mine was a couple of gals talking to each other and walking down the street. And this must have been the tail end of a longer conversation about friends. The TV show? The TV show. Because the one said, and you know, Gunther, he had his hair dyed, you know, on the first day when he was on the show. And they loved it so much that they made him keep his hair like that the whole time.

And her friend said, wow. So, you know, it was maybe they were, that was the tail end of an hour long conversation about friends. A whole day, introducing her to friends. Well, what's the Gunther story? What is this you speak of? Yeah. hour long conversation about friends. A whole day introducing her to friends. What's the Gunther story? What is this you speak of? Yeah.

Joey started out just kind of like a horny guy and then he was really dumb by the end of the show. The whole history of friends.

You know Gunther made a million dollars an episode? He did not. Well the rest of them did. Yeah that's true why didn't Gunther

because during negotiations he said I'll do it for anything he sold them out right away the hair dye came out of his

paycheck so now we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the map

if you want to send one in you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org and uh this first one comes from ted d in sydney australia ted di biasi no teddy bear yep um uh here's

something i overheard while in christ church on a holiday recently here a seagull squawking. The child screams at the seagull at an incredibly high pitch. Child's dad, Alex, that's not how birds communicate. Child bursts into tears and runs away at top speed. Dad says, that's better. That's more like it.

How do birds communicate? I don't know. Through trying to steal each other's French fries and getting in a fight. Now that's more like it. How do birds communicate? I don't know. Through trying to steal each other's French fries and getting in a fight right in front of my face. Yeah, I don't know. Not a lot of empathy. I don't know if they do. I don't think.

I don't know if they're communicators. Well, I know they warn each other. And they also say, like, kind of over here, that kind of thing. But then I think that's it. How do they know who's going to be in the front of the V? Yeah, that's a good question. How do they? Yeah. That's a good question.

They, like, fight for it or something. But I don't see any sky fights for it. No. It's all decided. It's all decided on the ground in the park. Yeah. They just don't want to sky fight in front of the humans. Oh, sure.

Yeah. Yeah. Except for Graham. Yeah. But right in front of my face. He's witnessed the sky fight. It was so scary because it's just black feathers. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought it was just one crow, but it turned out it was two crows fighting. Now, this next one. This is a bit of a oh by the way yeah i never followed up earlier i uh i go i searched youtube for zamboni oh yeah oh yeah there's an 11 minute compilation of zamboni fails oh zamboni fails sure but that could be a guy falling off as him yeah but you've got to assume there's crashes in there, too. It's in the realm.

Zamboni driving over somebody very slowly. There were crashes, but this compilation. I hope there's a Vegas Knight getting run over. Like the early days. When he still hasn't learned to balance on the ice yet. I think there's probably broken down ones that need to get pushed. Yeah. One that didn't quite make it over whatever little hump to drive back on land again.

On land. This one comes from Nicole. This is a long time ago, circa 2010. I was in a competition with my friends. We were charged with coming up with our own depiction of something called Wharf Girl. So, this is, you know, just picture

I say the term Wharf Girl. What do you picture? Can you spell Wharf? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. W-H-A-R-F. Okay, so not the Klingon. Yeah, not Wharf. The Klingon of note. Wharf.

Like a surf girl, right? I'm thinking, or some, like a. Or a fishing off the pier. Yeah. Or like a lady who hangs out on the boardwalk. Oh, okay. So she's, she's on land. Yes.

I'm thinking of a wharf girl. On the wharf. Yeah. She, she hangs out on the wharf. Doing those various activities. So it's either land. Yes. I'm thinking of a wharf girl. On the wharf. Yeah. She hangs out on the wharf. Doing those various activities. So it's either fishing. Yeah. Getting ready to surf.

Yeah. Or a bag lady. Now this Nicole, her conception was that it was like a Venus de Milo kind of coming into the harbor on a clamshell. So this is her idea of Warfro. Like a siren. Yeah. And the clamshell, she was going to make it collaged penises. The clamshell was going to be made out of a collage of penises.

And where you have to, it's hard to find magazines with penises in it. You know what I mean? National Geographic, Vogue, it doesn't have penises in it. You know what I mean? National Geographic, Vogue, it doesn't have penises in it. So you have to get a very specific type of magazine like a porn, a gay porn magazine.

This is a good argument against going digital. Keep those, keep those, keep that hustler out there and where can I find

my paper penises these days? Everything's digital. Screw you, Pornhub. So she went to a convenience store asking specifically for magazines that had lots of penises in them. She didn't have to ask that way, to be honest.

She could have just, can you show me where your adult magazines are? Well, they're all behind the, yeah, they're behind, you know, you have to ask specifically for, so she said, you know? You have to ask specifically for...

So she said, you know, you're most penis-filled. The penis ones. Penises, and she had to ask penises not in vaginas. These had to be penis, like... Just photograph penises. And so the next week, a friend of mine said to me, I have a weird question, but my boyfriend witnessed something, and for some reason, I feel like it was you. This is a long

overheard. That's what I said. I said this is quite a tale. Anyways, her friend's boyfriend witnessed her purchasing these magazines, so it was an overheard. It was fed back to her. Give me your most penis-filled magazine. And then there's the collage.

Oh, yeah. It's not Venus de Milo, it's Botticelli's Birth of Venus. Yes, yeah. It's not Venus de Milo. It's Botticelli's Birth of Venus. Yes, yes. I might be wrong about that. But, you know. That's great. And by the way,

I didn't zoom in on the penises. From my vantage point, I think it's like she's on chicken fingers. It looks like a big thing of fried chicken. I think it looks like a Game of Thrones type. Yeah, for sure. If it was made out of dildos. She's just cruising into shore in this.

I would run. So, yeah, that was a long one. Yeah. And this one. That sure was. This last one comes from Corrin in Portland. Three girls at a Portland coffee shop looking very Portland, talking about showering and the water in the area. And the first girl says, the water is different here.

My hair gets so dry. I think it's because they electrify it. And the girl two says, they do? And the girl three says, yeah, there's hydroelectric power here. Yeah. Wow. So that's not how it works. You don't get one bill for water and electricity because it's all the same.

Yeah. It's just flowing out of the outlets. Yeah. Just plug your radio into a faucet. Yeah. That's how it works. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you would like to call us.

Our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That is one. Ugh. SpyPod one, like these people have. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is what the journey was um i was on the corner of um i was at like a stadium chinatown station like at abbott and um i saw a guy on like a cyclist um

get hit by a car um and he like landed on his ass and um slowly got out of the car and he landed on his ass and slowly got out of the car and she was like, oh my god, are you okay? And he was like, I mean, I just got hit by a car. And me on the other way, this is tapped and then wrote down our contact info.

I mean, on a scale of one, two, you just hit me with your car. That's one than just over her. That's overseeing. Yeah, that's overseeing. Witnessing a hit and run. If it didn't have a funny thing at the end, it would have just been like a sad story. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. But I assume this person's okay. Yeah. I i mean he was making quips yeah that's true yeah he's gonna have to go no i've just been hit by a car i think yeah yeah he's all right yeah i'm okay out of it yeah you ever been hit on your bike other than squirrels just the squirrel that's the only thing that's gotten me so far i haven haven't been hit by anything. No. Almost once. But other than that, it's been pretty good. And had you, that almost. The almost was a big Pepsi truck.

It would have got you. It would have really. Driven aggressively by an asshole. And I, yeah. And he like the wind from the truck alone. Like he purposely did it, I'm sure. And then I caught up to him in a red light and I climbed onto his truck. It was a whole scene. Yeah.

I was bashing on the window and telling him off coke is better yeah it's the only thing they can't fight against yeah you're right i was thinking about pepsi uh the other day and how they had those blind taste tests yeah the pepsi challenge when and at the same time at the same time they had ray charles doing the diet pepsi commercials yeah was blindness like was there a whole campaign around blindness that we missed like was it all about yeah i didn't i didn't ever read that subtext no me neither they all also uh stevie wonder coke was. It was all like rivalry to get all the blinds, all your famous Andrea Bocelli was jolt Cola. He, uh, somebody, uh, I was having lunch with Sony and they said like, you, you, if you order it, you usually order a Coke, you don't like, and then they say, is Pepsi.

Okay. But it's never the other way around. Yeah. You never say i'll have a sandwich and fries and no pepsi yeah when people are like that you think they're weird yeah like if somebody specifically i have an uncle who's always pepsi all about pepsi i'm just like give it up it's give it up it's 30 years of listening yeah is coke okay yeah i guess I guess. Is Royal Crown okay? Sure. Is Vince Joyce Cola fine? Yeah, I guess so.

Go into a restaurant and be like, Hi, can I get a burger, fries, and... Do you have a Safeway brand Coke? Do you have a store brand Coke? Store brand Cola? No? Well, we're out of here. Let's get out of here.

How many napkins can i have here's your next phone call hi friends it's elizabeth in portland i'm calling with an overheard i was just at my local trader joe's grocery store and i was um near the like sample stand and they were putting out some they had some like cheese and cracker things and all of a sudden this like gaggle of teens swept past me and the the lead teen was like dude my sister loves brie that's all i'm auditioning for lead team yeah a gaggle of teens swept past i like her yeah i like the use of the diction good yeah good language skills yeah a gaggle of teens swept past the head teen the head teen i could tell of the gaggle yeah the teen well and how do they decide the head team oh boy the

gaggle head once again that does sound like, like teenagers, like just discovering somebody in that conversation is just discovering Chase. And now, oh, you know, I know this guy who likes Brie.

I met someone who liked Brie. They're in my family. Here's your final phone call. Hi Dave, hi Graham, hi possible guest.

This is James calling from Toronto. I just had a great overheard biking home From work in Toronto On Spadina Street A middle aged man Yelling angrily into his cell phone So everybody outside could hear And all I could catch From the conversation was

Peppermint mocha Award winning drink designed by my mother! Award winning drink! Where's my mother's Nobel? I'm in, I want to try it. That's like one of those inventions that was there those holy... And then this guy's mother came along and invented it. That's like one of those inventions that was there. The mint flavor was just sitting there.

And then this guy's mother came along and invented it. Oh, man. Word-reading drink invented by my mother. Isn't that right, mummy? That's right. Do you have things that you thought your family invented? My family, I guess no one really does this, but people call McDonald's Mickey D's. Yeah.

My family called it McDick's. We thought we were so cool. We thought we were the only people who didn't call it McDonald's. Right. Or at least I thought we were. Until you went to university, had your mind blown. So you walked in and your university roommate had a McDick's poster and you were like, ah, shit!

It was Mac the Night with his dick hanging out. Mac the Night with his dick. Oh, boy. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. JJ, you have an album out there people can download if they. Yeah. It's on vinyl. Downloadable.

It's on vinyl. It's on red vinyl. Cool. Yeah, it's kind of cool. I like it. I'm proud of it. Yeah, the label did it on vinyl for me. Red vinyl. And it comes with download codes as well. So you proud of it. Yeah, the label did it on vinyl for me. Red vinyl.

And it comes with download codes as well. So you can have a souvenir and a digital copy with it if you like. Oh, you gave me a copy. We've already framed it. That's so kind of you, man. That's so kind. Do you have any dates coming up in December? Working on doing Yucks back in Nova Scotia, hopefully at Christmas time.

Oh, yeah. Around there. And then I'm up here for the next couple of weeks. Uh, so that's all I've got in the books right now. Then we got a new season of the Jim Jefferies show. Uh, next year it starts in late March. Okay. So we're back with our first 10 of our next 20.

Nice. In late March. And I'm doing a, there's a cartoon on YouTube called Hot Wheel City. So if you've got kids and stuff, I'm a, I voiced this cartoon and we're just on season two. We're hoping, hoping to do season three next year. So do check that out. I forgot to. What kind of, what kind of car are you?

It's stop motion. It's stop motion animation. I'm one of the drivers. His name is Elliot. Cool. And it's two brothers and it's a little, they're little stop motion, five minute cartoons. So check it out and comment, share it around with people. And it's two brothers and it's a little stop motion five minute cartoons so check it out and comment

share it around with people it's doing well and yeah we just finished our second season Hot Wheel City Hot Wheel City

yeah if you got kids they'll love it yeah and if you're into stop motion then you'll love it then you'll love it and if you're like

JJ you'll love it yeah there's three kinds of people who love this three styles of love yeah lots of love

and all you listeners out there thank you for listening People who love this thing. Three styles of love. Yeah, lots of love. And all you listeners out there, thank you for listening to the podcast. We enjoyed having you. And if you like the show, please tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.