Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 563 - Aaron Read

Episode Date: December 31, 2018

Comedian Aaron Read returns to talk homo sapiens, oysters, and Christmas parties.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 563 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's wearing probably the most Waldo-y shirt I've ever seen him wear, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's a red and white striped rugby shirt. It was Margot's Christmas concert this morning. Oh fun.

For her preschool and I was like, I'm going candy cane. Were the parents encouraged to dress up no the parents were encouraged to it was like it was it's uh it was at 11 in the morning or 10 in the morning so it was a lot of like parents like getting there at the last minute from work and getting right back to work and like a sea of phones right oh yeah it used to be there would be like two two dads that owned a camera yeah they would catch it for everybody although the videos i took they look an awful lot like those uh america's funniest home videos 1989 like christmas videos uh was there any no there was not much In the way of

In the way of like Like real gaffs? No real bloopers There was one kid who was so not into it And was crying Crying so hard that he was dry heaving Oh wow But no wet heaving

Sounds like me I went back in time Yeah if you look really closely, it's just Aaron present day. Yeah. And that's our guest today. Comedian, improviser. Entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. Entrepreneur.

Entrepreneur. Deadlift weight champion, Venice, 96. 96? Yeah, I was. It's been that long, has it? Do you think you'll repeat? I don't know. What's the most still an option, though?

The weight you've legitimately lifted. Lifted? Oh, I don't know. One time I lifted maybe like 15-pound dumbbells at the gym, but I think I did it in a way where two men laughed at me. So I have not returned. Yeah. I think the only time I would know how much weight I'd lifted,

or like the heaviest things I ever lift are like while moving. Yeah. Like half of a returned. Yeah. I think the only time I would know how much weight I'd lifted, or like the heaviest things I ever lift are like while moving. Yeah. Like half of a chair. Yeah. Or a six kilogram sack of flour. Yeah. Got to bring it to the new house. It's 12 pounds.

And that's our guest, Aaron Reid. Hello. There he is. I'm Christian Noor. Should we get to know us? Mm-hmm. Get to know us. Aaron.hmm. Get to know us. Aaron.

Yeah. How are you, man? I'm doing pretty good. Welcome to, for the listener, by the way, this is our New Year's Eve episode. Yeah, last podcast of 2018. So we're going to do a lot of our top tens of the year. Yeah, that's true. Oh, nice.

Yeah, we're going to do our favorite bloopers of the year. What was your favorite blooper of the year uh probably that dry heaving kid yeah that's pretty good um what has been my favorite blooper of the year this american president wow oh wow uh and what's new with you and also what's what's next year look like two two pronged question what's new with you what does new year look like uh what's new with me i don't know you know i um i uh was in i did a road trip to los angeles a couple days ago. Days what?

Or last week, yeah. Like a driving? Yeah, I drove from Seattle to Los Angeles. With whom? My friend Tom, I used to be in a band with him called How to Dress Well. So we were just driving and that was fun. Was there a reason?

Destination in particular? I hadn't seen him in a long long time he lives in la so i was kind of helping him drive from seattle to la it was his car uh yeah it was like a rented suv oh that's fun yeah that's sick did it have satellite radio uh no i mean it had like a what a spotify connection is that i don't know i. I don't know. That's as good. Yeah, right? I saw Common while I was in L.A. Just walking around? Yeah, coming out of a movie theater. Common out of a movie theater. What movie do you think Common saw?

I think he saw probably some advanced, very advanced screening of Ratatouille. Like four years in advance. So advanced that it came around again yeah exactly a live action ratatouille yeah yeah well i've been dreaming about it yeah exactly um what else did you do while you were in la um mostly just saw common yeah following Common around Common around ask Common questions um yeah was he in okay yeah um

was he in what was he in a Terminator movie Common yeah I don't I think you're thinking of Edward Furlong yeah

or Arnold Schwarzenegger um Common I don't think he was he was most recently in a cowboy show he was in um was he in robot cowboy show yeah no not robot cowboy amc railroad cowboy show yeah railroad

he was in that and then he did the music for some movie yeah he was at the oscar for selma yeah for selma that's right he produced selma or did he do a music of it i think he did a maybe he did both maybe he produced and also did the rap track over the uh credits selma velma scooby-doo racism i do not like you i do that's that's a running gag if i'm watching a movie with someone when the the credits are very somber to just start doing a rap yeah like just a just an improv something real quick yeah um about what just happened yeah yeah the. Lots of people died. Have you been to L.A. before? Yes.

Yeah, yeah. This guy's so Hollywood. Oh, very. And he's so money. Yeah, I throw a pair of sunglasses every morning. You throw it? It's called a shopping hangover. It's where you shop too much and you accidentally ate sunglasses in your capitalism rage.

Is the shopping, like, is it mind-altering? Yeah, it's because you black out. Wow. And then you wake up and you just pull a pair of sunglasses out of your mouth? Yeah, and you look into your pants and you pooed out a bunch of Bluetooths. And you're like, woo! That was a day. What a trip.

You can never go to the dentist and be like, I got Bluetooth. I drank too much Gatorade. Yeah, I drank too much Barbicide and now I got Bluetooth. And they'll be like, you should really go to a doctor. Dentist first. Let's take care of the cosmetics first. Yeah, the aesthetics. Yeah.

So that's fun. Road trip. did you you didn't drive back flew back flew back yeah yeah flew back tell me about the road trip well like i've never driven the furthest i've driven in a session or is like portland and that's kind of that's like uh what is that seven hours seven hours yeah yeah we drew well he did a show in seattle so we waited i i like kind of hung out and watched that show you waited back you waited outside the stage door yeah i know you see in the car yeah and we yeah and then we just kind of drove we we stayed in Portland, but in this weird island under... It was kind of like an industrial area of Portland, which had a very big Hooters presence.

You know when you drive into a city and there's a big neon whatever sign that's like, welcome to the city. It was like driving into this island. It was just that, but for Hooters. And so I was like, Ho? The Hooters Island. Yeah. Home of the Rotary Club population. So industrial.

Trent Reznor's at every Hooters. Did you go to the Hooters? No, no. I've never been to a Hooters. I don't think I would like to go. No. I've been once. I think I went once in my early 20s when we had one.

When I graduated from high school, our graduation was downtown. And a lot of guys in my class were like, let's go to Hooters. We're here anyway. And then they went. Yeah. I didn't. It was gross. It's gross.

The color scheme in there is gross. Yeah, it's Halloween. It's orange, white, and black. Yeah. And the food's kind of just like yeah the food's great yeah the food's great the service is great yeah it's not uh it makes you feel like you're empowering people yeah exactly it's it's good it's good sure they enjoy you know serving lecherous men with a barbecue sauce all over their fingers i'm sure that that doesn't get into their nightmares at all.

I go because it's the only place I can get a little bit of celery. Yeah. So why were you staying in an industrial park? Oh, because we were doing hotels tonight or something. I don't know any of the new apps. I'm feeling very old. Okay. How does hotels tonight work? I think you need a hotel the new apps. I'm feeling very old. Okay. How does Hotels Tonight work? I think you need a hotel tonight,

and then you're like, hotel, please. It tells you all the ones that are available tonight, and usually it's like weird hotels off in Hooters World. We're the closest hotel to Hooters World. It's a Hooters app. To really entice people. It's hotels tonight, but the H and the O are the Hooters. Yeah. Was the hotel okay?

Oh, yeah, it was fine. Yeah. It's very cold and windy, lots of leaves in there. You know, kind of creepy, but it was nice. Yeah. Yeah. But you asked for the haunted sweet uh yes haunted honeymoon the one with no windows yeah all the leaves blow in and it's windy yeah one with the skeleton under the bed yeah he has your mint

yeah if you find the mint you win some sort of prize yeah um i don't i don't know any of the new apps now that you mention it yeah you said hotels tonight never heard of it yeah neither have i i mean i only heard of it then yeah yeah what's the newest app i have the newest app i have is probably something very old do you know what I mean? Like, it's like Spotify. Uh, yeah, for me, it might be the Domino's app.

Oh, cool. Well, I just found that like, it's so when I order a pizza on my laptop, I then I have to keep my laptop open to the trackers so I can track it. If I have the app. Just does it on your phone? Bob's your uncle.

No, that's pretty good. Yeah. Um, it would be great if, what if you, like, on the food tracker app, because you can see the little car moving, what if it detoured away from your place and then started just driving out of the country, and you're like, I wish you well on your journey. What food tracker do you use?

I don't know. I haven't used many of them. I've never used any of them. Yeah, I think I've used that whatever house of doses. I think it's like maybe skip the dishes or something. Skip the dishes. But I try not to use those. They make me feel weird.

Why don't they make you feel weird? I feel like all this stuff makes me feel weird, like Amazon and all that stuff. I feel like it's like working people too hard. Yeah, right. I agree. And whenever I see it, I'm like, this is weird. Like capitalism is getting very strong. And we're all just strong and weird.

Yeah, strong and weird. And been like in a way that's like, it's inconvenient to resist it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like on the way here, I took a picture of a Starbucks that had a big banner in the window that said that they're open on Christmas Day. Right. Which is very unnecessary. Yeah.

My sisters are always, like the night before Christmas, if there was a name for that day, I don't know. Because we go to church on Christmas, and then they like to find a coffee after church. Yeah. Sure. And you can find a coffee after church. Yeah. Sure. And you can't make coffee in your own house. You can't. No, that's true. I mean, after that bill passed.

I fought it, but you must drink coffee out of your house. Yeah. I've never used whatever, skip the dishes or whatever. Some food travels well and some food does was meant just to have yeah yeah the place yeah totally have you had a like a horrible experience ever or my roommate sean sean devlin who's been on the show he him and i uh used to we got we got into it We got into ordering food. And one time we ordered Indian food, but when we looked up the place,

we had gotten delivery from a restaurant inside of a mall. Because we were like, this food is not very good. Let's look up the restaurant. We're like, it is in a food court. We got someone to drive to a food court. Go into a food court mall. Why does this food smell like an American Eagle outfit? Yeah. Came with a free cell phone case.

That was cool. Oh, yeah. Although Indian food Would travel well Yeah Yeah Totally But it's very funny That it came from a mall

From a mall Yeah I saw an ad Somewhere At my Sidebar It said You should order

Nando's chicken From DoorDash Yeah Why not I was like Hmm But I bet it comes In a really steamy container

Oh yeah That's going to be wet When you open that up. Yeah, it's going to get really wet. Yeah. Yeah. I've never had, oh, maybe I've had Nando's chicken once, but. How have they never solved that?

In my mind, it's delicious. But, like, how have they never solved the wet container, the steam conundrum? It works for, yeah, like, curries and stuff, but, like, you get a burger inside of a steam thing, and then you're dealing with an extremely soft burger yeah yeah yeah a real wet burger wet burger yeah I love a wet burger though

yeah that's my favorite chain yeah wet burger it's pretty good try their damp combos and the moist shakes

you'd say it's like one of those biospheres that you go in there's butterflies yeah it's just very steamy tropical flowers Amazon section moist chicks. It's like one of those biospheres that you go and there's butterflies. Yeah. It's just very steamy and tropical flowers. Amazon section.

When was the last time you were in a mall? Clooney? I go to the movie theater at Tinseltown Mall a lot, so I'm usually in Tinseltown. Yeah. That would have been pretty recently. Okay. That doesn't count as a mall. It really doesn't.

Yeah, that's true. It's more like an art experiment. Yeah. Yes. That's gone been pretty recently. Okay. That doesn't count as a mall. It really doesn't. Yeah, that's true. It's more like an art experiment. Yeah. Yes. That's gone hilariously wrong. But I don't know. The last time I was at a mall, yeah, it's probably been a while. Yeah.

Oh, or Pacific Center maybe sometimes, but that's only to cut across or to go to the washroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or. I just asked because I was just in a mall yesterday oh were you and it was bewildering what mall were you in uh pacific center and uh it was just it's like uh i spent all of my teenage years hanging out in a mall it should be like returning home but yeah i find it uh all the stores are weird there's no no, there's new stores. I don't understand. Yeah. Um, there's maybe like more than one,

uh, store that's like urban something. Yeah. And it's just like a collection of shirts that, uh, that I don't, I don't know who wears. I don't,

I've never seen them on a person, but, uh, and then, you know, uh, like shops that I'm like, has anybody ever been in this? Like, um, what's the Tommy Bahama? Is that, you know, like shops that I'm like, has anybody ever been in this?

Like, what's the Tommy Bahama? Is that a brand? Yeah, that's a guy. He's friends with Maui Jim. But it doesn't look like a store. It looks like a lobby of like a weird hotel. It's got like shutters and stuff. Yeah.

A lot of those stores, like the shirts, they kind of look like what, you remember Capri Sun ads where the liquid, they like turn into liquid people. And I feel like they would wear those shirts. Yes. Yeah. They're like people made out of silver juice. I love the silver juice. People made out of silver juice I love the silver juice When was the last time you were in a mall?

Do you go to the mall often? I think I've probably been I don't know specifically But like a year ago I used to Because Abby works one day a week And on those days I have both kids

And I will Drop margo off at preschool and i used to drive poppy would fall asleep right after like right after i dropped margo off and we would drive for 45 minutes and then one day i discovered oh if i drive this distance i end up right at Metrotown. And then I would put her in the stroller, and we would go for a little stroll through the mall. You and all the seniors on the mall walk. Yeah, yeah. And it ended up being right as it was opening,

so parking was a breeze, and all the stores were happy to see you. Yeah, it's weird. Because it is. Everybody buys online now. But then you go to the mall and it's packed. So you're like, so do people also still buy from the stores? Or is this where they're just sampling?

Maybe mall samples aren't as prevalent as they used to be. Remember, you used to get a popcorn. You used to get whatever, a piece you used to get a popcorn. Yeah. You used to get whatever, a piece of a Cinnabon. Yeah. What happened to that culture? I don't know. Yeah.

Well, you don't go to malls anymore. That's true. Maybe they do have them. Yeah, I don't know. I like the chill section of the mall, where they have a special section for parents who just like to like kind of squat and do deep breaths and like check their phone and there was yeah there's there's definitely at pacific center there's like a big tv set up for dads yeah oh cool yeah like canadian football on it yeah They kind of have that at the Wendy's on Canby,

like a big TV and a couch. There's a couch in the way? Wow, come on. I was told that Wendy's was closing, but it's still there. They're still cooking. But I don't know if they're getting new food. No.

We're just going to... We're open until we sell everything. we're open until we sell everything it has heritage status so they're just going to build around it they're going to build a department building on top of it because it is now kind of like

on my way to work you have some breakfast Wendy's? no no but like a middayendy's because i often go home to have a nap um uh do they do they must every fast food place does a breakfast thing yeah they must they must but like i've never been no me neither. But you'd have to be like in a town where that's the only thing open. Yeah. To like, well, maybe not. Maybe their breakfast is delicious.

None of us here have had it, so. That's true. I mean, they're the best restaurant. Voted 10 years running, best restaurant. I mean, if they close that one, I'm going to have to door dash Wendy's from the suburbs. So, LA trip successful. Yeah, totally. What does your new year look like?

I'm trying to read more. Okay. Like your last name. Boom. Yes. Yes. Trying to just get smarter. I want to get smarter. And yeah.

You think books are going to make you smarter? I think books and swimming. Swimming definitely is going to make you smarter. Look, a floating brain is a happy brain. If you want to get smarter, I got these little pills. Limitless. They make you limitless. If I took the limitless pill, i'd probably waste it on something like what i don't know i was just finishing a video game really fast yeah something

like that or like i don't know i just get really into baking or something that's not bad that's not bad yeah but like i think if you take the limitless pill you'll you'll like you know your mind sees the the chemical structure of the flour you're baking with right and you solve gluten if i was limitless i would just like become um you know those people who dresses elmo in like times square and they'd be like why are you wasting your potential you're limitless yeah but you're like this is what i've always wanted to do. I'm the best Elmo. Yeah. I used the pill

to find a great deal on this Elmo costume and now here I am. The pill makes me very tired actually. You just have a nap and you have crazy dreams on your limitless pill.

Now, I've never seen this movie. How long does the limitless pill last? I mean, if it lasts more than four hours you should uh you should consult bradley cooper oh i forget but i think if you stop taking it you die oh there's always a side effect something like that right yeah they had to they definitely have something well no because i remember the woman in it. Want to say Connie Nielsen? Okay.

She only takes it once. Yeah. And she uses it to escape a guy who was after her. Oh. That's cute. That's because they escape escape room. That's again wasting it. Deliberately. Yeah.

And the way she does it is she picks up a kid who's skating. Oh, yeah. And then kind of swings the kid in the air. So the guy chasing her almost gets his head cut off. Only the Limitless Pill. And then it was a TV show, wasn't it? And probably a series of books. And that's the book that you're reading.

Yeah, that's the book. Yeah. So what kind of books do you want to read? I want to read books like about stuff so that I can like talk to people about things and have things to say. Right. But I also want to learn about. You're going to be, we'll have you back next year and see how you did. Oh man, it's going to be nerd central. You guys are going to be like, shut up.

Yeah. Great, yeah. Well, the origin of popcorn is. So like, is there a particular area, like history or science? Yeah, I'm reading a book about the Homo sapiens. Oh, I'm so mad at those guys. Yeah. So, I'm about 15 pages in.

I'm a very terrible reader. Well, but you've only been reading a very short time. Yeah, I've only been reading a very short time yeah i've only been yeah designating myself to reading now do you have a uh because like everybody has a different way they either like reading lying down or they have to sit up or they can't read in the car or what's your what's your ideal reading situation i actually like i i i've experimented with uh going to a cafe at night and uh getting a coffee and sitting there and reading and then going out for breaks and stuff like that but just like just going out to read like this is this is reading this is reading time cool yeah you're like a cool teen yeah a

smart teen a smart cool teen yeah i didn't feel that way i was like man what if i did this when i was like 18 instead of like whatever I was doing? What were you doing? When I was 18? Yeah. Improv. Yeah, just improv. Improv.

I was doing some weird stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I used to. You were like drawing and stuff? Like drawing and music stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you could be reading a book and then draw in the book. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Discouraged if it's a library book, but, you know, prove that it was me. Prove that it was me. Right? Taking down those who need to be taken down.

Yeah, the library. The public library system. Yeah. Those who need to be taken down. Yeah, the library. The public library system. Yeah, I don't, I, like, the idea of going to a cafe at night is, I honestly wonder sometimes, who's in this steamy cafe? Yeah. A lot of screenwriters. At night? Hopeful screenwriters, yeah.

My favorite is the senior citizen who's brought their whole laptop to just, like, listen to music or something. That's fantastic. That's a staple of the late night coffee shop. Cops. Cops. Always cops. One drunk man.

Yeah, there's always one drunk man. I feel like there's also a lot of people that their religion doesn't include drinking. And so that's where they hang out. Yeah, totally. At a coffee shop. And so the one near my house, it's packed always, 24 hours a day. It's always packed with that blend of people. Is it a blends?

It's a blends. That's why it's named blends. For anyone who isn't from here, blends is a coffee chain. It's sort of like waves. But with less of a Bitcoin aesthetic.

Yeah, there's it's weird when you walk by a business and then it says, like, Bitcoin either accepted here or just has that symbol. Yeah. Like, is that, like, we're just Bitcoin friendly?

Like, we'll talk about it with you if you're interested? Yeah. Do you have to be wearing those Google glasses to go in? Yeah. How come those never caught on? They did!

All my friends wear them. That was was like... I'm going on eBay and see what those cost. Because what do you think they're going to be? 50 bucks? Oh, I'd be surprised. Well, yeah, okay, let's say 50. Because they're useless, right?

Yeah. Like they didn't make more of them. No. So they're from four years ago. They didn't make more of them. No. So they're from four years ago. I'll bet you just at some garbage dump in some weird island,

a bunch of seagulls just have Google Glasses on. And they're just Googling rat over and over and over again. Where is rat? Where is nearest rat? Dead rat. Looking for dead rat. Rat. Or baguette.

Or baguette. The one smart seagull figures out how to google baguette. No, they're very expensive still. How much? Between like $400 and $2,000. Yikes. What? You know, for $130 you could get a little clip on sunglasses for them. What were they supposed to do?

You were supposed to be able to look at the internet while you were just walking around town is that i think they were supposed to be able to see through women's shirts oh yeah they were they were advertised at the back of casper comics i don't know like come to think of it i'm like i don't remember seeing a visual interface of them no like i remember seeing people modeling them. Yeah. But I didn't,

and it looked like there was a little camera thing. There's a little guy in there. Well, the only place you can buy them is 19 plus cafes and arcades. It's the only place you can buy them. Adult arcades. Are those arcades all closed on Granville Street? Nope.

Are the ones still trucking along? I can't for the life of me figure out what business is going on in there do they still make arcade games? like stand up they do like the dance ones Japanese people are still

rocking them in Japan there's also like a, still a lot of the shooty. Yeah. Oh yeah. I guess they still make big buck Hunter and a golden tea for bars. I love those ones,

but like, I don't know what's going on. There's this one. It's right in the entertainment district. It's, it's sitting on prime real estate and it, uh, it's open and it's open like reasonable hours it's not it's open at like if you walk by it's open at like 11 o'clock in the

morning for your lunch rush um but yeah i don't know what's i assume drug dealing's going on yeah and i assume it's never been cleaned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, never been cleaned. And then also maybe there's some back room that things happen in or something like that. There's a peep show. Oh, there's a peep show. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. But it's, what is a peep show? Is it live? No, I think you just put money into. You see porno. Yeah. You see Buck Hunter. You don't see a lady in there.

No. No. I don't think. That can't exist anymore, does it? Oh, no. Yeah. I'm hoping not. But it's also very, that's very quaint to go pay a quarter to watch a bit of a porno.

That's probably the most innocent thing you can do. Yeah. Yeah. It's like going to the Nickelodeon. A man with a straw boater. And some flowers for the movie.

And three of his friends, a baritone, a soprano, and a castrati. Doesn't enjoy the movie at all. Every barbershop has a castrati doesn't enjoy the movie at all every barbershop course has a castrati oh boy um yeah when was the last time you were in an arcade um probably like quite a few years ago in the states they have them they oh because they have like drinking arcades yeah oh yeah i guess we went to one in chicago yeah they have them. Oh, because they have like drinking. Barcades. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess we went to one in Chicago. Yeah.

That's fun. They have my favorite game in there which is by Budweiser and it's just called Tapper and it's just an arcade video game

where you do a bar shift. You're a bartender and you're going back and forth. Yeah, and you're like at a sports event and all these football

players come down the line and you have to get them're like At a sports event And all these football players Come down the line And you have to get them Their drinks before They get to you The football players? Yeah Lots of different sports players

When you're at the Sporting event one Well why If you're at a sporting event You're not serving beer To the players In this world The runners

They're drinking Classic mugs of beer But So at the side If the team wins The Super Bowl They pour beer all over the coach? Something like that. I don't like it.

And then there's like the in-between, like in-between a level, the classic bartender who has like a mustache and like a pinstripe suit. There's like four cans of Budweiser and he shakes three of them, but not one. And then they do like a kind of street magic. Yeah, yeah. And then you have to choose which one doesn't explode in the bartender's face. Is this a modern game? No, it's from like the 80s or something like that.

Yeah, yeah. I really love that Budweiser was like, well, get these kids early. Yeah, totally. And meanwhile, like after the game, it says, winners don't use drugs. Yeah. Yeah, that was a real stalwart of the video game culture. It stopped drugs. It did stop drugs.

Yeah. Why didn't they do it for other things? War. Winners don't fight war. Yeah, don't make war. But yeah, it was weird to be at the end of whatever drug taking video game I enjoyed

you know Earthworm Jim I feel like there were games that were like oh Mario takes a mushroom takes I mean what does he do with the mushroom does he eat it? I don't know. He consumes it.

Yeah. It goes through his skin. Yeah. Or something. Yeah, that's true. It just kind of, he absorbs it. Yeah. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Guys, well, I want to apologize to our listeners because we're recording this before Christmas. Right. And the next episode as well. And like, you know how when Christmas is done, it's like, get out before Christmas. Right. And the next episode as well. And like, you know how, when Christmas is done, it's like, get out of here. Yeah, you're like, ugh, gross. I'll leave the tree up,

but I don't want to hear no more songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not drinking any nog. Maybe, maybe one little glass. Oh, sure. I mean, if you're offering. Yeah. But, so I went to my office Christmas party a couple weeks ago, I guess a week ago.

And it was at a place I had been to once before in my life, but a place that's famous in Vancouver. Joe Forte's. Oh. Joe Forte. Have you ever been? No, but he was a famous lifeguard. He was a famous Barbadian? Barbbado he was from the bahamas yeah he's a bahaman um uh and he was like a local legend i didn't know that i thought he was a guy

who started this restaurant yeah i just know that he like he was like his kind of title was the man who taught Vancouver to swim. Yeah. He was a, he was a, he was from the Caribbean. Yeah. But then moved to Liverpool and he was, so he's British, but he moved here. Well, anyway, it has his life. Has his life story in the set menu. Have you been?

No, I've never been. It's, um, it's sort of a like a steakhouse it's but it's kind of like i it's the place you would have you wouldn't go because it's it seems like the kind of place that's like really popular but it's kind of popular among people no no one you know right yeah yeah Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's downtown, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, and does it have a cab out front?

I feel like there's a Joe Forte's old-timey cab. That does ring a bell, and yet I don't remember seeing it. But also, where would you put it? Yeah, I don't know. I just remember seeing that and being like, okay. You might be right. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I just remember seeing that and being like, okay. You might be right. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

Like, I'm getting all these, like, little bits and pieces. It was the cab that Joe Forte used to teach Vancouver how to cab. It was an aqua cab. He taught Vancouver a lot of things. Yeah. We were a dumb city before old Joe came along. Joe Forte sounds very much

like a made up name for someone who's like a muscly beach guy. Exactly. So, yeah,

it was a an evening of it was, there's only like eight people or no, like five people I work with

and so they, everyone brought their partners and there were ten of us. Nice. And we had like, it's a steakhouse and seafood place, so it was a set menu of chowder. Served up by his brother, the chef,

Tony Pianissimo. These are music terms. There is a piano there, too. Oh, really? It's a place that has a piano. Oh, cool. Like, in between the floors. In the crawl space.

I mean, like, on the stairs, there's a landing where there's a piano player. He was doing, like, piano versions of whatever, Little Drummer Boy. Oh yeah, he was doing all the Christmas hits. But then when the piano player took a break, they just played music

and they were playing like piano hits. They played like, they're like, don't forget that you like piano. Like, do-do-do-do-do-do,

boo-doo-doo-doo. Ooh, yeah. Yeah, Vanessa Carlton or Michelle Branch. Yeah. And they, yeah, so it was, we had oysters. Ooh.

Yeah. And then, but, so Abby and I never go out. Question about oysters. Yeah. Always? Are they always raw? No, you can get a can of smoked. Oh, smoked.

Oh, smoked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never had those. But they're always cold? Oysters? I mean, the fresh ones are ones are like you don't heat them up ever i i don't know okay i've never had them heated up but i feel like the based on the consistency i'm basically i'm thinking if you heat them up it would be like egg whites oh geez i will have the hot oysters and my date will have the egg whites we're gonna just do a family style oysters no i'm not a big seafood man yeah me neither i mean i become one no really um

uh yeah just i mean like it was sort of like this is, people seem to be enjoying this. Yeah. I'm going to try. Yeah. It seems like a very adult thing to be, a seafood person. Well, fish is too fishy. Fish is pretty fishy. Oysters seem pretty slimy. There's a lot of slurping at that restaurant. It's a real slurpy restaurant.

Oysters, you got to slurp the chowder. You got to slurp that chow. Slurp city. And, but yeah, so Abby and I never go out ever. Yeah. As a rule. And, um,

so we don't have like a bunch of like babysitters we can call on. We have one babysitter who's babysat for us and then some family. No one, everyone was busy that night. And so we dropped our kids off at my sister's house. And then we went out and as we were leaving, there was kind of like a little snafu with our alarm. And so we dropped our kids off at my sister's house and then we went out and as we were leaving there was kind of like a little snafu with our alarm and so we've sorted it out but we also have a camera on our doorbell and uh while we were out strangers were coming to our house

oh and it was freaking me out oh weird because it was like we were we were uh in this restaurant eating dinner and then just a guy would come and ring our doorbell and you could you could tell he was like looking in the house but he was he didn't look like a criminal he didn't look like he was you never know though looking for a handout he didn't look like he was uh canvassing yeah no it was just a guy and he would and i couldn't the restaurant was really busy and so i couldn't hear what he was saying so i would like go out onto the street listen to my phone and it was a guy who was like huh so it's it's only 7 50 now so what huh like it was just muttering to himself but nothing like disconcerting

yeah and then 20 minutes later another a woman comes to the house rings the doorbell and she like waves into the camera

I mean it is fun to wave into that little camera I waved into it it was raining that night so like she was wearing a hood on she had a hood on

but it wasn't like I think these were three ghosts that were trying to visit you and then they were like this other guy was like rattling chains.

It was Bob Marley. So I never sorted out what they were all about. But we were worried, like, oh, did the alarm go off? And people are trying to tell us, are these our neighbors we've never met? Okay. Yeah, because I feel like, and i could be wrong about this but when i was growing up there was always people knocking on the door like either there would be neighbors or canvassers or scouts or just some some like just someone there was always somebody

like that was not a weird thing yeah and and i don't know like i haven't lived in a house long for a long time so i don't know if that still happens uh it doesn't like there's still canvassers which is crazy uh must work it must but at what cost yeah that's true but also like yeah so it does it still happens there's still and i i'm whenever canvassers come to the door i'm always like all the lights in the house go off no i just say no right away like i don't like don't waste your breath don't yeah i uh our old house used to have two front doors and it was always really like i'd say no and they would just knock on the other door and i would i'd feel like i would have to be like they're gonna say no let me save you some

time we're a house that says no yeah uh but yeah so so my whole this whole work party i was like nervous that our house was burning down and people were just knocking on it did you ever have to go door to door when you were a kid, like with the scouts or anything like that? No, I don't think so. I maybe had to maybe go and try and sell that coupon book that everyone had to try and sell. Yeah. But I think I didn't do it. I think I had to.

Was that book called Entertainment? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It had some really good deals in it. I just remember the Church's Chicken wanting those. Wanting the Church's Chicken's coupon. Yeah. Yeah. Not because I liked it, but there was one near my house.

What happened to that coupon book? I would get that coupon book now. Yeah. If a canvasser you see, that's why you'd have to hear the canvasser out. Maybe you've turned away an entertainment book. If you got that entertainment book, next time someone comes to my door I'll ask if they have it it was fun to flip through it

and look for things yeah things that you know the 10 things that kids like yeah New York fries thing 7-Eleven Blockbuster

erotic massage yeah yeah what were the rest now I'm trying to think of what were the rest of those coupons i guess they must have been oil changes and florists kumon yeah funeral services yeah i've got a coupon if you die this year this is good we're gonna make our money back

because they would end at the end of the year, right? Yeah. A new book a year. And then what would you... You would maybe get a prize or something if you sold? Oh, the sellers. I don't know. The sellers.

I can't remember. Yeah. They were... Yeah, they were... I remember it was for a school. Like, if we sell these, then some money will go to our school thing that we want. Yeah, which is a weird pitch to a kid because kids are like, I don't care what goes to school. I spend half my time dreaming about it burning down.

Well, no, use your young, innocent looks to guilt people into buying this book. We want you to go door to door to strangers' houses. Even though about seven years ago we told you not to do that. We want to weigh you down with these heavy books so you can't run. One day you'll find that one of these people was a serial killer. But it was always, yeah, it was a very weird, like if you're a canvasser, especially if you're like a political candidate, you're really getting the sense of like what people's houses smell like in your jurisdiction yeah yeah oh boy i'm never gonna get elected in this neg champ of writing i gotta go to the fresh meatballs yeah yeah i would always smell like fresh meatballs.

Yeah. Yeah, or sometimes you would hit it like, was it like a Boy Scout and we would have to go on Saturday morning to collect cans? Oh, yeah. And there was always a house that clearly had had a party the night before that just smelled like open wine bottles. Yeah, yeah yeah spilled beer yeah and the person would answer the door which was always hilarious oh boy do i have clefties you're delivering cans

in my uh in high school i was not on the rugby team but my rugby team sold manure oh wow which they would i guess have to deliver to people's houses wow cool like i feel like that's the thing you could prank someone with yeah i ordered instead of ordering pizza to someone i ordered a bunch of manure yeah sending manure to an enemy is a funny thing to do uh man so yeah i had a great work party dude was there any gift exchange no no no no it was just like because it was small they didn't have to have things for you to do it was just like because it was small, they didn't have to have things for you to do. It was just like, let's have a meal. Let's eat some hot oysters. Can we re-microwave these oysters, please?

These are too cold. They're on ice. What's the matter with you? I'm going to put a jacket on to eat these oysters. Who do you think? Caveman? First person to eat an oyster? Yeah.

Yeah. Probably. You're reading about Homo sapiens. Yeah. I haven't gotten to the... Oyster section? Oyster section. Tell me about the Homo sapien.

Yeah, what have you learned so far? Are they cavemen? I get all of them confused. Are they the last of the cavemen? Are they us? Are we Homo sapiens? Yeah, we're homo sapiens. We did it.

Yeah. Yeah. How long have we been around? 2,000 years, like the Bible? I think maybe like 70,000 years or something like that. But there was like a bunch of different breeds of, not breeds, or species in the genus homo. Erectus. Yeah.

Abolus. There was Neanderthals, a Dezenova, I think. But then we became the dominant species. But we would bang around with the other species. Well, there's two theories.

There's the interbreeding theory, which is the theory that Homo sapiens came in and fucked with Neanderthals and stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, if there's grass on the field, play ball. And then, if there's grass on the field, play ball.

And then... If there's grass on the heavily sloped brow. And then there's the other one, which is replacement theory, where we came in and kind of destroyed them. Oh. That seems like what we would do. Yeah, what our species would do. Yeah, that's totally...

Yeah. That seems like what we would do. Yeah, what our species would do. Yeah, that's totally. Yeah. But the, I think it's like a mix of the two. Like scientists don't want to give. I mean, yeah.

Yeah. Well, we're here, we might as well. Yeah, I think they killed, I think the, because maybe some of the sapiens were better foragers and kind of were like a bit better. But so then the Neanderthals got kind of like their food ran out and stuff like that right um but uh but yeah i you know i you know what i found about neanderthals is because everyone thinks that neanderthals are like kill you but they actually found like neanderthal bones of of Neanderthals who were quite old, who lived quite a long time, but also had pretty severe disabilities.

So that suggests that Neanderthals, they cared for people who had disabilities. Right. I know of one of them that wheezed the juice. Yeah, I remember. There was that one. I'm like, is there another caveman movie? Well, do you remember the end of Encino Man? No.

They found his girlfriend and thawed her out. Oh, cool. That was nice of them. Yeah. Yeah. oh cool that was nice of them yeah yeah

um maybe there was a version of that movie that was a serious movie I can't remember what it was called

like it was the serious version oh sure man where he gets de-thought and he immediately has to be in a court case

and be a lawyer no that's an SNL sketch oh yeah right yeah it's a John Grisham novel where there's a thought out a lawyer. No, that's an SNL sketch. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. The John Grisham novel where there's a thawed out

Encino man. Oh, yeah. He's the only witness. I've got a witness for this one. A thawed out Encino man.

And in the novel he keeps using the term Encino man. Genus Encino Man. And this is all in the first 15 pages of the book you're reading. A Brendan Fraser-like Encino Man. Like peak Brendan Fraser.

Is the only witness to a string of murders. And he has to get the pelican brief to Denzel Washington. A trial 200 million years in the making. Oh, boy. What's up with you? Speaking of Christmas parties around this time of year, a lot of times comedians will get hired to perform at a company Christmas party. Ooh la la.

Ooh la la. I assume you have. The money's bad, but the shows are great don't do it for the bucks no no um and uh they they run the gamut from fine to terrible they're never good um but i did one that uh oh i did not do well oh no how many was it you were you the only comedian yeah i was the only comedian and it was for some kind of financial group uh-huh um and it was in a restaurant that was two floors and most of the people were on the second floor, so it had a very Thunderdome feel to it. And a lot of times they don't put a light on you.

You just are. Yeah. Or a microphone. They gave me a microphone. In fairness to them, they did give me a microphone that I'm not sure amplified my voice at all. Oh, no. I found myself yelling quite a bit. Did it have a picture of the Paw Patrol on it?

Yeah. Yeah, when it rested, it lit up and spun around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, as soon as I walked in, I was like, this is going to be... Because first of all, I have nothing in common with these finance people. Sure you do. What do I have in common with them? I mean, you both use crude tools.

You both care for our elderly. He very much was a Neanderthal entertaining open savings. So we hired this Neanderthal for our office party. He just got off of a really brutal

long case. So he's looking to vent. He's looking to really unwind. Yeah. But it is usually the case if you're not doing well at these Christmas parties, you're free to go. Yeah.

And let's forget that this ever happened. Yeah. You find that you do quite well with the serving staff. They seem to really be the only ones who are watching the show and enjoying it. Yeah. So he's killing with the serving staff, and that was it. You're a real waiter's comedian. Yeah.

The waiters like me, bus people, host hostesses the whole shebang but uh uh there was so it was all very much people that would work in a a financial office suits suits except one guy who looked like he was a getty lee impersonator so i really zeroed in on that guy and halfway through my set he came up and gave me an orange. So I was just holding an orange for the rest of my set. Which then the waiter came up and relieved me of, which was very nice. He was like, this is making me nervous, you holding this orange. Because I think in his head he could sense that I was going to throw the orange.

But yeah, it was the only Christmas party I've done this year. And it was not a success, I would say, based on how many people came up to me afterwards and said, tough room. That's always nice. It's because of you. Yeah. You were part of it. You guys were the tough room. I am good at this.

Yeah. It is really weird, weird too because you're telling jokes that you're like well i know these are i know these work yeah but then it's just like nothing so you're just kind of like practicing just like no i'm just practicing being a comedian like this is where the jokes would land and this is where laughter would happen this is how it would pause was anyone at all listening? The upstairs wasn't. Once I zeroed in on the Geddy Lee guy, people were like, let's see what happens. But then he just gave me an orange and they were like, yeah, that's what we thought would happen.

He's always handing out oranges. Maybe he's like the financial, maybe he's like an eccentric financial guru or something. Yeah, I don't know why he was there maybe he's johnny orange seed he uh hoping i would sprout in what way did he look like getty lee i'm i've i've got my guesses um uh tiny glasses tiny glasses long hair oh boy Long hair. Oh, boy. And he had lots of, like, lots of, you know, regalia. Lots of rings. What does he do in the finance industry? Yeah, yeah. I was like, who is this guy?

And I even asked his friend. I was like, who is that guy? And he's like, oh, it's Neil or whatever. He didn't explain why he was who he was. He's the prog rock accountant. Yeah, so it was weird. You've done these before. Yeah, I've done them for improv.

And are they better for improv? But they're the same situation. You get there, it's a huge room. But with improv, it's like we need live mics if it's a big room. They improv it's like they like we need live mics if it's a big room they're like okay we have them but we don't want to use them and it's like okay well this is going to be very difficult it's like okay they're like we're fine with yeah yeah i remember one time because we do this game where it's like a day in the life and where you like you collect information about someone beforehand and then you do like a day in their life and you introduce references to their life.

And they have like a horn that they can honk if something's wrong. And you do things wrong on purpose so that they honk their horn. Right. And a bell if you do things right. And so we collected information about someone from someone else. And she was like, oh, you got to add this for Gary. He killed a swan once when he was golfing. And then we were like, okay.

That's a day in his life. Every day, he kills a swan. And she was like, this will land really well. And we're like, okay, we'll try it. And then so we brought him up, and we were doing all the regular stuff, like, oh, I'm just going to hop and we were doing all the regular stuff like, like, oh, I'm just going to hop on my motorcycle and be like, like my car.

And then we got to like, oh, look, a swan. And we're like, I guess I'll kill this. And then he went like, no. He was like, no, no, no, no, no. Don't talk about that. And we were like, oh, my God, we're so sorry. But she just didn't clear it with like. Yeah. Yeah, she misread that that was a fun story for him. It was a goose. And I'm very sad about it.

Oh, man. I'm guessing with the golf ball, not a golf club. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure how it happened. We don't talk about it. It was a golf tee. He got very close to it and jammed it in its brain. In its brain.

Well, how do you kill a swan with a golf tee? I don't know. You gotta hammer it in. But yeah, they're pretty weird. Yeah, they are weird. And then you have to like eat food with people afterwards.

Oh, no, I never. Okay, that's... No, I always have to go. Yeah. I'm sorry, I have to go. One time I went to a Christmas party where they had so much entertainment. Like, they just did not trust that people could just have drinks and talk to each other. So, it was like a photo booth, a character, artist.

There was like a roaming close-up magician, a DJ, and there was an MC, myself. Oh, not an MC, like a comedy MC. No, a young MC. Like a young MC, myself, and then a Beatles tribute band. Whoa. Yeah. It was all for one Christmas thing. I was like, you guys.

Oh, and ice sculptures as well What? It's either someone's like First time organizing one of these Or like 10th time and they're great at it Yeah But it's all you really need Is a room and alcohol

That's free or cheap A tribute band would tell you all you need is love That's true they were they were weird because they are different sets they put on different eras of costumes they didn't sorry the show was this was so packed that they did different sets did you do different sets no i was in between two beetle sets so i was between like the ed sullivan years and then the more did you have to do it in the voice of ed sullivan yes i did my whole act thank you for coming to the show really good no thanks um but yeah so that was my one christmas party and then that's it that i won't do another one and

probably until next year i mean unless, unless is there maybe like a... There's a Christmas in July party a lot of companies are doing now. Leons and such. Because their savings are out of this world. Jingle, jingle. Yeah, so that's what's going on with me. Should we move on to some overheard? Yeah, let's move on to overheard.

Overheard. move on to some overheard yeah let's move on to overheard overheard overheard the segment in which we uh hear things out there in the world and then we share them here on the podcast i know when uh aaron texted me do i need to bring anything i told him overheard and he was like oh geez oh geez oh geez um we always like to start with the guest aaron you have one i have like a bit of an over seen over experience kind of thing i was i went to the i like to go to the library the local library to do my work um and i was sitting beside an older man who was doing just crosswords. And I was just working along, and he was burping a lot. And so that was fine. And he was just doing a crossword, and I was just working,

and then I heard him go, and he puked. He puked all over his newspaper. And then I didn't really know what to do. And then I was like, do you need anything? Do you want water? I was like, I can go get you water. He's like, I got water here. And then he puked again.

Oh, wow. And then I was in a weird situation because I didn't want to be there anymore. Yeah, that's fine. But I also didn't want to be rude because he just puked and I don't want to make him feel like a gross man. You should not be there anymore. He should go clean up his puke. Yeah, yeah. And then I turned to him and I was like, I was just like, oh, yeah.

After I offered him the water, he was like, yeah, it's just the change of the weather, the season's temperature change. I was like, okay. Yeah. And then I looked over and he just kept doing his crosswalk. How much did he puke? It was, he puked twice and quite a bit. Where did it go?

Just kind of like on the ground. uh uh and he stayed there in his own pew he stayed there for a good 20 minutes and you stayed there 20 minutes yeah i didn't want to be rude it's not rude it's like a basic human like yeah yeah if anybody was being rude it was the guy who puked all over the place and then didn't leave. Yeah, or didn't clean it up. And then he left eventually. Yeah. But then another guy came and sat down.

He left his puke? Well, it was very clear puke, and it was kind of like on the ground mostly. And then the guy swooped into the chair so fast that I didn't get a chance to tell him that a guy just puked there. A guy just puked there 20 minutes ago and sat in it. Yeah. So all around it was... Well, it's the season. Yeah, the seasons are changing.

That's true. That's how I know when the seasons change. I puke all over myself. At the library. Wherever I happen to be. The laundromat. The autumnal puke-o-nox. But I hope he's okay.

I hope he's okay, too. Yeah. Was he drunk? I don't know. I don he's okay. I hope he's okay, too. Yeah. Was he drunk? I don't know. I don't think so. What time of day are we looking at here? It was like maybe a nooner. Yeah, you're drunk.

Yeah. Although, you know, I remember being on the bus one time when a kid completely surprised. He was drunk, but he surprised himself that he threw up. He was very shocked. Yeah. Like he threw up he was very shocked yeah like he threw up and was like oh no oh no oh that's awful yeah that's that is surprising i mean i've never been surprised by it i've always been like like you know this is coming this is coming i hope it doesn't yeah but i know that if it does then i won't feel like this, but if it does, I'm going to make it a very nice home. Dave, do you have an overheard?

There's this guy who's painting the office building where I work single-handedly over weeks. Just hire a team of guys and get it done. So there's not wet paint every day. Yeah. But he's a great guy. wet paint every day yeah but he's a great guy is um he's uh he's got he's a hispanic gentleman um and he's got uh long curly hair kind of looks like rick james okay kind of looks like there was a goalie for columbia who had long hair like ringlets oh like like a tight a tight curl no but long curls long curls okay yeah long tight sure tight but long yeah and long curls and uh uh so he was painting outside our office

and there were two women old women there's like always auditions at my place. Yeah. I think you're always holding auditions. There's casting agencies around us. And so these two old ladies were sitting outside of a casting studio. And this guy's painting, painting away. And I just hear an old woman say, Do you think there are any people from El Salvador in the caravan? And this guy goes, yeah, well, probably.

And the old lady says, are you praying? Oh. And he says, yes, I pray for everyone. Oh, that's very. And then I went into my office and I talked to one of my co-workers and I said, we need to talk about how much we love the painter's hair.

And my friend said, Hugo. And I said, okay, well, I love it so much. And he said, no, his name is Hugo. So his name is Hugo. He prays for everyone he's from el salvador and he paints a mean office building wow and he's doing the whole building just him i mean yeah maybe i

haven't i didn't see him much this week but the last couple weeks he was there and there's still a lot of like places where you know holes have been filled and need to be painted over so is there a chance that he's undercover that he's doing some surveillance you know i mean sure there's a lot of criminal activity happening in my building yeah me yeah people playing criminals yeah people auditioning to play criminals um yeah i uh it's weird i's, I mean, maybe I just don't make conversation with people that I assume are busy. Yeah. But it's weird that people do.

They're like, you there working. I have some things I want to ask you. Yeah. You know, am I bothering you? Yeah. That's my first question. Yeah. You're quite obviously busy.

But, oh man, he wasn't even wearing earbuds. No. I can't imagine doing that kind of solitary labor for a whole day and not wearing earbuds. Yeah, I wonder. Maybe he's got, like, a very rich inner life, you know? Must be nice. Yeah. Like, you know, he's Walter Mitty.

He's got this fantastical life you can't see. But it's all up there. Yeah, he's Walter Mitty. He's got this fantastical life you can't see. But it's all up there. He's Walter Mitty. What's the Steve Carell movie this year? Welcome to Worm... Wormwood? Wormwood? Yeah, it's by the people who do DeForest Gump.

Oh, is it? All the same people from 25 years ago? Yeah. Same crew, same grip. All of them. Same grip? Yeah. Bubba's in it.

Bubba? Yeah. Is his name all the shrimp? Yeah. Well, you'll see. I don't want to spoil it. His name isn't Walter Mitty. This character isn't Walter Mitty?

No, this is... Marwin? Marwin, yeah. Marwin. Welcome to Marwyn or something like that. Steve Carell, jockeying for an Oscar. But boy, looks saccharine. Yeah, looks quite... But doesn't that do what that does well with the Oscar voting crowd?

I don't think any of the movies that are supposed to be the big Oscar ones look like anything I would see this year. What are they? Like the one, Space One? Space Man? Yeah. Ryan Gosling as Space Man? Oh, I don't even think that was anything. I don't even think that landed.

I think the Golden Globes were like Lady Gaga. Oh, Lady Gaga film. Oh, yeah. I'll see Bohemian Rhapsody. I guess this is our time to, we should recap our top 10 movies of 2018. That we saw or didn't see and meant to see. I mean, oh, sure. That we meant to stay awake for.

For me, it was Negan Gunn. I really meant to go see A Star is Born But then I never did Yeah I wanted to too But You probably still can

Yeah but I won't though What about What do you Do you see a movie With your family When you go back for Christmas Yeah we probably will The smart money I think

Is on Aquaman But Oh nice Cause what else? Maybe we do end up going to see Welcome to Warl... Warlman. Warlman. Yeah.

Warl... Marwen? Marwen. I think it's Marwen. And he's like a toy man? He's a guy who has... Who builds a toy world. He builds a toy world to escape some sort of...

He got beat up. A trauma. Yeah, yeah. And so it's based on a real thing. Maybe. Yeah. Okay. But it looks like those old Nissan commercials where there's like Ken and Barbie driving

a Nissan. Yeah. But I don't. That's probably. Or maybe I'll end up seeing. Maybe I'll end up seeing A Star is Born. Yeah. Yeah.

Go to this. Go see Bohemian Rhapsody. That looks like fun. Um, my mom's already seen it. Mm. And what'd she think? Uh, she liked it. But I've heard, I've heard that it was like a weird version of a movie about Freddie Mercury. Right. And it stars Mr. Computer.

Uh, Mr. Computer. Computer and some great prosthetic teeth. Some of the best that I've ever seen since the mask. If you haven't seen prosthetic teeth. It's weird that his teeth are so white in the mask because of all the smoking. Yeah, that's true. Graham, do you have an overheard? I do.

And I don't know if this is an unusual request. I thought it was very unusual't know if this is an unusual request. I thought it was very unusual. I was at a hot dog cart. A hot dog cart. Getting a veggie dog. I know about that hot dog cart. Drake.

And the person in front of me was getting a hot dog. And the woman making the hot dogs asked, do you want any onions? And the guy said, no, do you have any mushrooms back there? What? Is that a thing that's not a conventional thing to ask at a hot dog cart? Yeah. But sounds great. They go with everything.

Yeah, yeah. It sounds fantastic. I was thinking they were sautéed. Like a sauté, yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's a thing, yeah. Sounds fantastic. Was he thinking they were sautéed? Like a sauté? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's a thing. I don't know.

But when he said it, I was like, this is insane. Well, you might as well be asking for champagne back there. I mean, I guess they put them on hamburgers a lot. Yeah. Would it work on a hot dog where they just kind of slide, flip and slide all over the place? I mean, a hot dog is a blank canvas. It's true.

You can paint it any way. They do have a lot of condiments at the hot dog carts. Yeah. Not just, not old school, just ketchup, mustard, relish. They have six kinds of relish, all sorts of weird, you know, a sauerkraut, a sweet kraut. I like a salty and sweet kraut. went to a hockey game uh uh this past week and i got my second foot long of the year yes i'm not gonna make it to 10 feet though

it's just not gonna happen i don't know i believe i believe it and i got i had it all i had the krauts the works at the krauts i had the all. I had the krauts. The works. I had the krauts. I had all the red, yellow, and greens. Yeah. What do you do on a hot dog? Hot dog, I definitely do onions, pickles. Love pickles. Pickles. And I'll usually do a mustard ketchup kind of thing.

Yeah, because pickles, they stay on, right? Yeah, pickles stay on. So why wouldn't a mushroom? You got to kind of tuck them into the side of the bun and the tube. Do you do pickles and relish? No, if there's pickles, I'll do pickles. Sometimes I'll do relish. What is relish if not pickles? That's true.

Just a bit sweet, yeah. And if they have hot, if they have jalapenos, I'll put some jalapenos on there. Oh, you're interesting. Yeah. Yeah. If they have a kind of a banana pepper, what a banana pepper. Yeah.

I've been known to put a banana pepper on a hot dog. And sometimes if they have like something, you know, something a little freaky, like not freaky, but like, you know, a fun sauce or something like that. I'll try the fun sauce. What's a fun sauce? I don't know. Like some sort of like a brand, like this is our house. Yeah. Hot dog sauce?

Yeah. What would it be? I don't have the imagination for this, guys. I'm thinking, what I'm picturing is something like a Big Mac sauce. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like some sort of beige sauce. Something a bit tangy, but also... Khaki. Yeah, like a real...

Oh, a khaki sauce would be good for spilling it on your pants oh it's so perfect no one knows um yeah what's uh i don't know mushrooms i just i've never i've never heard of it thought it was wacky boy it was a wacky request we're recording again in two days if you don't bring the heat you get a better overheard than that boy i mean it's been it's been rough let me i mean i i'm only telling you this as a friend but i know i'm in trouble too like i got nothing i know it's gonna be ears ears open aplenty but i don't like my chance not me i got earbuds on all day painting that building underneath my wig. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people around the world.

If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Emma. This is in London, England. This is in London, England. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

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Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

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Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. lagging behind her mom who turned around and said cheerily come on scar face yeah that's how nicknames are born yeah no that's all that happened in that scar face movie did he have a scar on his face in that movie yeah but not like not enough to make it a character like defining yeah yeah i feel like it was kind of a they should have called that movie cocaine mountain or chainsaw murder cocaine mountain would be a fun family romp yeah sure grandma's coming down from cocaine mountain um yeah it's this Scarface, like it was supposed to be a remake of a movie about Al Capone. And then he made the director and writer just came up with the Tony Montana. Oh, really?

Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. So it was like, it was, yeah, unofficially, I guess it was a remake of the original Scarface from whatever, the 40s or something. But he has a slight scar on his face. You think they'll remake it again? Like, will it be like A Star is Born? Yeah, yeah.

Just every generation gets their own Scarface? Or are we content with the Scarface that we have? No, I would do see it. It's got to be Bradley Cooper again, though. It's got to be. Give me the coop. Yeah, he's got to be the guy. Yeah.

The way that Chris Prattatt a couple years ago was in every uh he got so fit yeah there was a real storyline there what's bradley cooper's they're just that he's he slowly just made his way to leading man slowly well didn't he start out he was like he was in like wedding crashers or something yeah he's an alias yeah and like you know and then he got that limitless bill and then it's i mean that movie was a real ad for the limitless bill uh have a sip and then do the next here we go uh go. This next one comes from Brandon P. in Topeka, Kansas.

Sitting on my first ever Greyhound bus. You always remember. Always remember your first. I mean, good for you that you've made it this long. Yeah. Going from Kansas City to Des Moines within five minutes of the bus starting, there was people sitting behind me. A middle-aged woman and a middle-aged man.

Within the first five minutes of boarding, the bus hadn't even started moving yet. The first little bit I hear is that he's been locked up. He's out of prison. Oh, wow. Yeah. Locked up from 13 to 31. Whoa. That was his sentence.

They said 13. And then when it flips, then you're out. Oh, I love that. He got the Jennifer Garner sentence. And then the bus takes off and it gets louder. So I miss what he said directly before this but I catch him

boasting yeah and that was the 19 year old who I was having an affair with whose mama I'd been having an affair with 10 years before that imagine what a rich tapestry this life at 13 he was having an affair with

two generations I wonder if he or if he you know spent a spell outside of prison okay or you know sometimes there's those people who uh write letters yeah oh sure yeah you meet somebody in prison you can get your daughter to write me a letter too um yeah boy oh boy i mean that's a either that you're just like living in such a small town that you have to, you have to date within, within a family. Sure. I feel like that is very common for greyhounds. Like, yeah, in America to just be people going to and from prison.

To visit. Oh, right. Yeah, that's true. I was just thinking, like, the judge just gives you a ticket. Now you show up a prisoner. That's going to be a big trouble. Make sure on the stops that you don't take too long. It'll leave without you.

Be nice to the driver. No number twos. Here's an eye pillow, too. Yeah. number twos. Here's an eye pillow too. Yeah. I just really like that visual.

That half of the people on any given grade. One ticket for prison please. You're already in the orange dress. This last one comes from Dan L. in Madison, Wisconsin. My wife and i were having brunch at a charming local cafe uh i was walking back to our table when i heard a woman loudly exclaim

we're going to men's warehouse and we're going to get me a man oh that's where they are yeah and uh and they look good i guarantee you fresh pressed yeah i mean uh where would where else would you go to meet men yeah yeah if not men's warehouse men's warehouse yeah the ones with jobs or prospective jobs yeah or at least going up clothes yeah if you want to meet a clothed man uh-huh uh men's warehouse i'm trying to think of where where else dave and busters maybe i think of a couple guys you'd meet there uh uh boy uh church yeah the who are those three car guys oh yeah boys in addition to overhears that are written in we also accept your phone

calls if you want to call us hey guys do it couldn't be easier couldn't be easier you need all you need is a phone that has all the digits don't use a phone that's missing an eight because Because you're going to be dialing wrong. Oh, no. Dave. Oh, no. Deep inhale. And the number for you to do it is 1-844-779-7631 or 1-SPYPOD1. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Hello, Dave, Graham, and probable guest.

This is Stuart from Florida with Unoverheard. I just finished a long walk at dusk, and about halfway through it, I walked past a really cute little two-story house, pink color, white frame, white Christmas lights strung around the front porch. It was just a very pretty house. But as I walked past, a car pulled into the driveway, and a woman got out, and she was greeted by another woman at the front door who said, garbled into the driveway, and a woman got out,

and she was greeted by another woman at the front door who said, Hello, oh, don't you look so cute? To which the first woman replied, Well, isn't your house so gosh darn cute? Well, off I go. Real cute-off. Cute, yeah. I'm about to have a cute dinner.

Oh, with who? Your cute husband? He's cute. I also like the, there's a really richly painted visual. Yeah. I was prepared for that to be the fall over scene. It was just a really pretty house. Well, thanks for listening.

This is a drunk dial. Yeah, just a nice walk at dusk. A nice walk at dusk. Yeah. Sounds really nice. Which these days is 4 p.m. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Get out of here with that. Yeah. Oh, boy. These seasons changing. I'll stay with you, sir. I support you. Well, I don't want you to feel bad about being awful. Gotta finish that crossword puzzle.

Four across, puke. Yeah. Next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham, an awesome guest. Hey. Just finished a quickie walk along Main Street Banff, and I was following two kind of young, businessmanly-looking guys,

and one of them says, How would I describe Steve? Well, have you ever known someone who wouldn't touch the coffee maker in a hotel room because they think someone probably peed in it? And the other guy's like, yeah, so he's like one of those germaphobes? And the first guy says, no, he's the kind of

guy that pees in hotel coffee makers. That's just a good joke. That is a good joke. It's like a red-green joke. Good structure. Classic one. Good structure. Yeah.

It's a good surprise. Nice reveal. Kind of corny. But it's like... Is that a thing? Peeing in a... Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean, I've never used a hotel coffee maker,

not because I'm worried specifically about pee, but... But just germs. General germs. Well, just bad coffee I'm more worried about about pee. But just germs. General germs. Or just bad coffee I'm more worried about. Yeah. And I also don't like drinking hotel water. Right. So you put that through a machine I'm not

crazy about. Why don't you like hotel water? I don't know. It's always weird. Because it comes out of a bathroom sink. I don't drink out of a bathroom sink in my own house. I don't know. It's always weird because it comes out of a bathroom sink. I don't drink out of a bathroom sink in my own house. I will.

I'm often seen at the bathroom drinking out of the sink. That's where you can find me. It's all the same water. Yeah.

As far as I know. Same pipes. Yeah. There's not just specifically bathroom water. Yeah, but it's in a room where stuff

happens. Yeah, that's true. Stuff does happen. Yeah. Especially hotel stuff. Oh, yeah. yeah there's not just specifically bathroom water yeah but it's in a room where stuff happens yeah that's true stuff does happen yeah especially hotel stuff oh yeah yeah yeah the last one i checked it to somebody had been chainsawed in the tub that was an hotel yeah oh it was a condo oh maybe it was a condo yeah like it was a house yeah i thought it was like a an apartment building maybe it was an apartment building i always thought that it was a yeah but you may maybe you're right maybe it was a motel yeah because there was that access from the outside from the yeah there was like glass glass blinds in the in the bathroom anyways look i'll'll rewatch the movie. Watch the whole thing.

I will. Absolutely. Okay. Your final overheard of 2018. Hello. Uh, stop podcasting. So Dave and Graham,

impossible gas. Uh, this is Amarino calling from upstate New York. I was just in a CVS. I don't know if you have those. They're like a Tim Hortons, but they don't have any coffee and they sell like makeup and medicine and beer. And there was a man behind the counter talking to another customer or someone. And he said, we had a guy come in here

and he tried to buy beer earlier, but he was underage. He just showed me his real ID. But the birth year was 99. So there was no way he was old enough. And he told me to give him credit for trying. But I said no. That's it. Away I go. Away I go.

Oh, she recorded that on a boat that she's about to raft out to sea. Come on, give me credit for trying. Nope. Nope. A lot of, some pretty corny overheards. It's just like that coffee maker joke, the cute house, just the quaint little CVS. It's a fun time of year. It is.

Yeah. So everybody's top five songs of the year. Okay. For me? Yeah. My top five songs? Are you serious they want to know? Yeah.

Gun to my head? Yeah, gun to your head. Boy, the theme from gun to my head yeah that's one pew pew ow my ears bye bye manon yep number three is the by manon theme theme yep number four oh by the way we're going in reverse order yeah is. Is the guitar solo from November Rain. Yep. It has two guitar solos. The second one.

Second one. Okay. And number one. Yeah. Number five. Number five. Number five is a,

just that, like, like really long, silent track by John Cage? Nick Cage. What's the name of that it's just a number

four four and a half or something like that yeah you yeah top five songs yeah

still one of my favorite songs to you know just think to which is the Sleep Country Canada why am I anywhere else

ding probably the tuba from A&W yeah which is the Sleep Country Canada. Why buy a mattress anywhere else? Ding. Probably the Tuba from A&W. Yeah. Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum. Yep. Probably just the isolated track of that guy going, Wipe out!

Sure, but no drums. No drums. Graham, you're working on yours while we're doing this? Yeah, absolutely. Because I don't want to hear any stalling from you. No, it won't be. You know, little songs that my mother hums. No, she does not hum little songs, but she hums little songs for this. Yeah.

Yeah. You know. Cutting my son's hair. My son's hair my son's hair I love it here it goes going to make a wig of my son

it'll go well with the mask I made part of his skin and you know I do love ocean sounds. Oh, just ocean, like waves crashing. Yeah, ambient ocean sounds. Yeah.

Yeah. Ships sinking. That's an oyster. Yeah. Looking for a microwave to heat it up. And you. Top five songs A Star is Born Title track

This Is Us Theme song The By Man And theme song Oh no Yeah Like a lot of these And Year Endless

Have a lot of the same Yeah I mean you all love That Casey Musgraves album Okay Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas And As always That New Year's Eve song that Casey Musgraves album. Okay. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. And as always,

that New Year's Eve song, Auld Lang Syne. Oh, guys, it's time. Ten, nine, eight, seven,

six, and join us next week on Stop Contesting Your Song. Two, one. Two. One. One. Do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah. No, not really.

What about your art show? Yeah, I have an art show on February 2nd at Lucky's Comics in Vancouver. Oh, cool. Groundhog Day. We're going to be drawing. Is it Groundhog Day? Yeah. Oh, cool. Groundhog Day. We're going to be drawing. Is it Groundhog Day? Yeah. Oh, cool.

Yeah, so that'll be happening and that's pretty much it. Sunday service every Sunday at the Fox Gallery. And that's what? Improv. Improv comedy. It's a corporate improv show.

It's a corporate improv show. So bring your coworkers. Bring your horn and your bell. Your horn, your bell, your aunties, your uncles. Let's have fun. Yeah. Thanks for being our guest.

Thanks for having me. And thanks to everyone for a wonderful 2018. Wow. It's been magical. One for the books. Here's to 2019. Am I right? Cheers.

This is our year. If you like the show, why not tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.