Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 565 - Ryan Beil

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Improviser Ryan Beil returns to talk high school plays, sores, and pay-per-view.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 565 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who he does not enjoy a blustery day as much as say a stork or a seagull would, Mr. Dave Shubka. No, I don't think anyone does.

Don't seagulls? Isn't this their time to shine? Yeah, but I guess... I know I'm speaking out of turn here but i do enjoy some bluster so okay all right i love a bluster so there you go yeah okay maybe i don't even enjoy a blustery day as much as this guy no exactly you like it i love it really i do i like the rain that's uh but like is enough not not enough is enough not enough? Is enough not enough? When is enough enough? I don't know. For me, it can never be enough.

Float my house away, I say. You know? Like in the wind or in the rain? In the rain, in the wind or the rain. I just enjoy the rain. I like being out in the rain. And we're all made of water, man. You know what I mean?

Well, that's true. You know what I mean? And star stuff. Yeah. Yes. I have a chunk of Saturn over here. You have a chunk of saturday yeah i got lodged in my like cool yeah during the war during the interplanetary when you were a starship trooper oh yeah you were starship true story i was a starship trooper yeah um abby watched starship trooper the other night i I opted out. Yeah. Too scary?

No, not. Too slimy? Too slimy. Yeah. Not slimy enough. He likes a bluster. He likes a slimy. Yeah.

He's a comedian. He's an actor. It's Ryan Beal. Hey, thanks for having me. Hi, Ryan. Thanks for coming.

Thank you. It's a blustery day today, everybody. Oh boy. Yeah. Yeah. You know what's funny about it? People keep saying,

uh, Oh, it's like Noah's Ark out there. And it's like, no, it's like the flood, maybe. The Noah's Ark is the boat. Sort of a Frankenstein, Frankenstein monster. Maybe that person was somebody who's coming from the zoo. Maybe.

People keep saying this? A few people have said that to me. In Noah's Ark, it's 40 days and 40 nights, right? Yeah. But my issue is they're saying it's like Noah's Ark out there. Yeah, okay. It's like, that's not the situation they're talking about. Right.

Ark is the boat, not the flood. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like Frankenstein and Frankenstein's monster. That's exactly what I'm getting at. That's exactly right. That's a good point, Graham. Thank you, thank you. Point, Graham.

Thank you. Okay. I love the show, We Get to Know Us. Yes. Get to know us. This is our first recording of the new year. Happy new year, everyone. Happy new year. Everyone go out and buy your tickets to stop podcasting yourself live at the Rio Theater

February 17th in Vancouver. Thanks. Bye. Dave left. Yeah, he's still got his headphones on, too. The wires just dangling behind him. Oh! Oh!

Oh, man. My ears! So it's been about, I would say, about a calendar year. Wow, okay. Yeah. How are things? Things are great. Is that how you book the show these days?

Do you look at the calendar? No. I just know it's been about a year. I'm feeling like that's about the amount of time. I'm doing great. I'd say fantastic. And also exactly the same. So you've always been doing great. Yeah.

I've plateaued. I think that's what that means. But it's a slow decline if you're still the same as the calendar a year ago. You've always been doing great. Yeah. I've plateaued. I think that's what that means. Oh, that's nice. But it's a slow decline if you're still the same as the calendar a year ago. Okay, great. So it's a slow decline I'm dealing with. Perfect. Yeah.

I can ease into that, actually. I'm not being sarcastic. I mean, is your plateau like we all hope to plateau and have it last forever? Yeah, exactly. As long as you're happy with where the plateau is, then. Exactly. Yeah, it's a height thing. Your plateau could be low or high.

Oh, you want me to use this giant coaster? I was trying to be quiet about it, but yes. Excuse me. There's plenty of coaster to use, and I've been using none of it. Did you have a good Holiday season You know what guys I was sick Oh no

Flat on my back sick And I was mad about that Because my dad Makes a mean turkey dinner Yeah And I Just didn't have it in me To uh

Grossly overeat Uh So I had That was That was sad But I was like I was I was down for the count

I was asleep I was a sick little boy Yeah But I didn't mind No You gave me all the reason I was asleep. I was a sick little boy. Yeah. But I didn't mind. No. It gave me all the reason to stay inside. You stayed at home. You didn't go to your parents' house and let them joke on you.

No, I had to go. There's no kind of backing out for those holiday dinners. Oh, so you went and then just went to bed. I went. I warned everyone. I was sick. Yeah. And they were like, come anyways.

Sneeze into the turkey. Yeah. Spread it around. Wait. This is a the turkey. Yeah, spread it around. Wait, this is a gravy boat full of Ryan's mucus, and this is a gravy boat full of gravy. Or is it the other way around? Oh, no. Shrugs and put it on the table.

Something good about this. Why is this one wearing a little wife beater? A little mucus guy. Mucus ex. Four hours. this one wearing a little wife beater a little mucus guy four hours um a lot of people it's uh it's kind of like our generation's james bond there's a lot of people who've been through that mucinex yeah role over the years really oh really it's been played by different actors yeah i did not know that because at one point it was Sir Anthony Hopkins. Sir Anthony Hopkins originated the role.

Originated the role of Sir Anthony Hopkins. In the West End. I don't even know is Anthony Hopkins is he knighted? Oh sure. Yeah.

I think he's sir. When you turn 50 you get that. Yeah. For sure. It's just in the like in the gag gif. Yeah.

You get a letter from the queen when you're 100 and you get knighted at 50. Knighted at 50. It's a from the queen when you're 100, and you get knighted at 50. Knighted at 50. It's a scratch. They send you a scratch card, and you scratch off,

and if you scratch off the right one, knighted. Sorry, try in the next 15 years. And then you get a bonus lordship at the bottom. Yes. What's the difference between a knight? Does anybody know? A lord, I believe, sits in like, they're like the senators.

Like in Canada, we have the Senate. Oh, yeah. And in England, they have the House of Lords. And they literally go in there and they're like, I am the lord of this area

and no one can depose me. Here's my fancy coat. Yeah. And I know that the master of the house is quick to catch an eye. Yes. And I never

was a passerby. Was a passerby. Yeah. Lord. These are all the different uh you know ways up the ladder in british yeah that's you have to be of noble birth to compete yep could you cut out the part of me just now like desperately trying to remember more lyrics for a master of the house no way sounding like i was falling backwards i was like yeah no it's good. That was good. I wanted so bad to remember some more lyrics.

You could play that role. One day, maybe. I wouldn't mind playing that role. Yeah, the Thinardiers. Because it's like you can get away with not being a great singer. It's a character piece. Apparently, Russell Crowe proved you could do Javert without being a great singer. True.

How do you think he got that role? Well, the director was a big 30-odd-foot-a-grunt fan. He wasn't a fan of his acting work. He was a fan of his musical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems like a vanity project. It seems like he demanded it or something or made it happen. He wanted to play it or something.

He somehow maybe helped finance yeah sure he like yeah worked for scale like my drama teacher when i was in grade 10 cast himself as tevye and fiddler on the roof in the student production yes oh and i love him and we i love it it was a great production but it's just funny to talk about you know yeah is tevye a particular teachery role well i mean i don't know the play it's a full production, but it's just funny to talk about. Yeah. Is Tevye a particular teacher-y role? Well, I mean... I don't know the play. It's a full-grown man, so he had that over the high school students.

He really looked more the part. But there's very few plays that star all kids. Yeah. Was there... I don't know. Is this the tallest guy in the village? Does he dunk at one point in the play

I don't know it yeah he dunks over the fiddler on the roof over the roof yeah that's how it ends that's right

they're being forced out of Anatevka and he's like one more thing Motel tosses him a ball he pumps up

his sneakers he goes into the paint and he dunks yeah I'm pumping up his sneakers. He goes into the paint. And he dunks. Yeah. I'm pumping up my sneakers. Thank you.

If I were a point guard, sorry. Yes. Sorry. Yes. Thank you. Were you in a lot of high school productions? I was. I was in West Side Story. Who were you in West Side Story?

I was Action Boy. I was in West Side Story. Who were you on West Side Story? I was Action Boy. He's the guy that you don't want to see show up at a fight. He's going to take it one step too far. Is he a shark or a jet? He's a jet. Oh, boy.

All the way. All the way. All the way. Oh, yeah. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way. And he's mad at Tony for leaving the jets and trying to get that stock boy job. He thinks he should be the lieutenant

and Riff's like no way I like Tony womb to tomb that's what they say that's good yeah that's good yeah yeah yeah

womb to tomb but then it all goes awry of course sure right and then he dunks on on Juliet most musicals end with a dunk

well because they're mostly in the high school gym and so they want to make use of the hoops literally this end with a dunk. Well, because they're mostly in the high school gym and so they want to make use of the hoops. This one was a dunk competition where the audience voted. There was a trampoline. There was a guy

with someone in a mascot costume. A shark and a jet, I guess. That would be a great... Yeah, they would have solved... There would have been a lot less violence if those sharks and jets just did a dunk competition. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of that rumble. So you were Action Jackson. Action Boy. Action Boy, sorry. Don't correct Graham. Sorry. I'm sorry. I was the rabbi in Said, Fiddler on the Roof production.

Right. Which was a big coup, because I was in grade 10, and that was a fairly large part. And what with the main part... Or the two main parts going... I forgot there was a history teacher because I was in grade 10 and that was a fairly large part and what with the main part or the two main parts going on I forgot there was a history teacher

in it as well history that doesn't even make sense there was two teachers I love this production and I love Brett gave me everything

he was a wonderful teacher but this is a very funny memory did the teachers have to were they in teens together yes yes they had a song together

they practiced in the staff room no they didn't kiss it was Lazer Wolf Lazer Wolf and Lazer Wolf

and Action Jacks no and Tevye if you don't know if you're on the roof and they're discussing he wants to marry

Lazer wants to marry Zykle Tevye's daughter Is this the one What are the songs? There's Matchmaker Is that one of them? Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match Sunrise, Sunset Wonder, Wonder, Miracle of Miracles

If I Were a Rich Man Anna Tevka and Can You Dunk Can You Dunk on Me Y'all ready for this Yeah, jock jams um did you in high school i because i don't know you as a singer yeah did you um prefer the uh singing plays or musicals i think they're called and i usually i usually was cast in parts that weren't you could do a character sort of like action boy action Action, in West Side Story

sings Officer Krupke, which is a comedy song. Right. Sort of like, you don't really have to belt it. But you wore a dance belt. But I did wear a dance belt, even though I was told not to.

My character's wearing jeans. And told that I was wearing it wrong and that it wasn't a dance belt. Yeah, that you're wearing it on the outside. Yeah, that's just a normal belt and you're wearing it wrong. With a Yeah, that's just a normal belt. And you're wearing it wrong. With a wiener cut out of paper hanging down.

Yeah, like, were you in any plays that weren't? Yeah, and then we did other little plays. We did, like, one-act plays. I wrote a play. In high school? In high school called Self Quest. Self Quest? Self Quest. We Quest? Self Quest.

We were just talking about this the other day and me The guy who was talking about Noah's Ark. Me and this toe-tuck driver was picking up my car.

He was like, I don't care about your play. I'm like, yeah, I don't even want to tell you about it. Self Quest it was called. Self Quest it was called.

But it was full of swears because that's what I liked. Yeah, yeah. I still do swear a bit But not as much as back then And I thought that was like That's good comedy writing Yeah You know

Because I think Kevin Smith Was a big influence on me Right Big Same Yeah To this day So then

I mean just It was a popular play And then it got performed At another high school Oh And they said Could you take the swears out And I said no

And we walked Wow Yeah Over swear words Good for you and they said could you take the swears out and I said no and we walked wow over swear words good for you how was it a popular play? how was it popular? yeah like how does a play get to

a one act play written by well it became so it was I wrote it for the one act festival and it was well received by the students and then I turned it into a two act experience

uh huh now what does that mean like do the actors scare you after the first act? well like the students. Oh, okay. And then I turned it into a two act experience. Now, what does that mean? Like the actor scare you after the first act? like, yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, there's the tactile things like you pass around, like both things to touch. Exactly. Yeah. This is the witch's fingernails. I don't know. Uh,

foam. A lot of foam is involved. Trust falls. an escape room yeah soundscapes no it's just a play that was sort of a word got around

that it was like a funny play written by a student so people came to see it and it's always getting more and more acts added to it yeah

it could be three acts by next week it just became like a little neighborhood maybe success. Right. It was just a Well,

I grew up in the same neighborhood as you and I don't remember it. Yeah, that's why I said little and that's why I was also very hesitant to even say the sentence.

But that's really cool that you like, that you wrote a play and then it actually produced and and then you walked and we walked i love that i will not not swear who's the the playwright that has all the swearing uh i think you've been mamet is known for yeah david mamey yeah it's the french um yeah he was that was like i remember in

high school seeing well plus a lot lot of Shakespeare's are really naughty. Yeah, that's true. Most of the time they're talking about a dick. Yeah. Did you do any Shakespeare? In school? No, not in high school. No, no.

Since then you have. Since then I have at Bard on the Beach here in Vancouver, BC. Now, do you have to, like I would have to read like a cliff Notes or whatever to figure out what is being said at any given point. Not to reveal my tricks, but there's a website for high school students which is Cliff Notes.

Is it Spark Notes? Spark Notes, yeah. I need a translation. Yeah. And that's what you spend. A lot of people, you know, there's table work when you do a play

before you get up and rehearse it and so with my experience with Shakespearean plays a lot of the table work is actually just figuring out what we're all saying

right and so we all understand what the story is because it's all thou hast do hast yeah it's not

yeah it's do hast devoid of dunks not one dunk yeah Yeah, it's too hard. Devoid of dunks. Not one dunk. Yeah, because in high school, I auditioned for every play, and I didn't get in any. Didn't even get like, well, you can be a tree. Did your high school do the post?

Because I never had that experience, the cliche of like, the teacher comes out and posts it up, and you look on the sheet. Did sheet yeah did you have that yeah yeah oh cool and uh never never on it not even like they could have just thrown me a bone and been like well you're the mayor but they had no speaking lines and you just walk through at the very beginning wearing a sack oh yeah yeah in fact it's ridiculous they did they didn't i would have brought people yeah did your high school not do the post the post Like posting up the cast? Uh, no. So they would just go around to all the students and tell them, you didn't get it.

I mean, maybe you guys are going to get a flood of phone calls from people who went to my high school telling me that I was wrong and they did do a post. But I remember it was just more verbally told who would be playing what. Maybe not as a group, maybe one-on-one, maybe as a group. Yeah. All I know is my parts were handed to me

on a silver platter. As long as you're not going for the same parts as the teacher. Well, we don't, I don't know if we'll get, Sorry, that part went to the teacher. I don't know if we'll get

a flood of phone calls from people you went to high school with. But did you see the email we got today about oysters? Yes. It was somebody very, last week we were talking about it. Yeah, well, you tell them. We were talking, because you know a lot of people eat oysters cold. Yeah, right, yeah, right.

Like that's a very standard kind of. Yeah, that's how I have only eaten oysters. Yeah, same. And we were like, are there hot oysters? And no one knew yeah nobody uh and then this person wrote this person wrote in hey i've never listened to your show before and then in parentheses not sure i will again it was so random but occasionally funny you've probably heard from many people by now,

but I was so surprised to hear you all say you didn't know a hot oyster dish. Blah, blah, blah, blah, fried oysters. Oh, of course. And that ends it with Happy New Year. He's staying positive, I guess. Wow. Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know a fried oyster was a thing.

Well, I have seen A fried oyster sandwich Before Oh yeah A po' boy A po' boy That's an oyster right But I didn't know

That's not just in the name Are they deep fried Not sure Alright right back Yeah If you decided To listen again Yeah

I bet I bet he listened again Oh This was the rare uh like shitty woman on the internet oh

yeah weird oh that's very weird yeah yeah no yeah you would just assume um oh yeah always

uh are you uh are you in a play right now or no I've been working on a play with uh Mark Chavez

from the uh Sunday Service we've been writing a a play with Mark Chavez from the Sunday Service. We've been writing a play called Theater the Play. Theater. Which is a play about theater. And I don't really know how much I can talk about because it's in development. All right. And, like, I don't think it would really matter.

What was the other one about that you wrote in high school? Sea Quest. Sea Quest. Sorry. Sea Quest was about a boy and his Sedu trying to get from a lake to the ocean

a lot of river riding the Sedu was played by my geography teacher you couldn't not have a teacher in

if you want to get funding it was an unwritten rule it was just like old Hollywood rules like you will be putting a teacher in. If you want to get funding, you got to get in. It was an unwritten rule. It was just like old Hollywood rules, like you will be putting a teacher in your production. No, the play was called Self Quest. It was about a young man who was working at a... At a swear factory.

At a swear factory. Basically, he was working at a fast food place. He loses his job. It's unclear how old he is. He has a job in an apartment. Okay. And then he comes home with a gift for his girlfriend. She dumps him.

Yikes. This is me with all my problems with the world on my sleeve. Like, girls don't like me. I got a stupid job at Dairy Queen. Did you really work at Dairy Queen? I did. I did. Which one? The one in Kitsiland. Oh, yeah. I got a stupid job at Dairy Queen. Did you really work at Dairy Queen? I did. I did. Which one?

The one in Kitsiland. Oh, yeah. You probably frequented it. Oh, I still do. Yeah. Cool. Bought a cake there the other week.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Ice cream? Oh, yeah. They don't do just a regular flour cake. Back in the day,

the cake was the way that people would skim at Dairy Queen because you would like memorize, because they didn't inventory cakes or Dairy Queen. Cause you would like, remember like, cause they didn't inventory cakes or something like that. So they would like memorize how much a cake cost and do the math and ring it

in as a blizzard or something like that. And they keep the change. Oh, the animal. Uh, did you work, did you work there when they had the hard ice cream? No.

Okay. Cause that's my favorite thing at Dairy Queen ever was when they. What? They had hard. Yeah, I don't recall. Hard serve ice cream? Yes, sir. It was a chocolate.

These like three scoops of chocolate ice cream. Scoops. Yeah. With crumbled up cookie bits, peanut butter sauce, and whipped cream. Wow. I've never. I didn't know. I'd say until like 92, 93.

So this is back when the Wendy's had a salad bar. Huh. Or the taco bar or whatever it was. Remember that? Oh, yeah. That was great. Yeah. I've never went to it, but I remember hearing tell. Yeah.

Here's a weird thing. Why is ice cream scooping still that there's no machine for that? Like a scoop. Yeah. It's still just the, like grunting into ice cream. With like just a piece of metal. Yeah.

I've seen heated scoops. Yeah. Okay. It's very satisfying. The result. I know, but just like for somebody who that's their whole job yeah what i have is and this isn't this doesn't really uh solve your problem of having

to dig into it yeah but it's a spoon that's in two pieces okay you squeeze it together and it becomes one big scoop and then it makes it easier to get the the ice cream out of the scoop yeah does it separate i see because like the you know i go to whatever the ice cream parlor yeah sure um and uh it's still just somebody digging in there still pop tape back there your lime ricky will be ready in a second. Ricky? Ricky? Ricky. Egg cream.

And it's also card sharp, not card shark. Oh. Somebody clarified that for me. Are you kidding? Yeah. No, for real. It's card. Is this a Berenstain, Berenstain thing?

Is this a Noah's Ark, Frankenstein? Is this a, it'sain, Berenstain thing? Is this a Noah's Ark Frankenstein? Is this a... It's always like Noah's Ark. I think it's so many people said card shark over the years that everybody's... It's just... But it's sharp. It was the original. It's a gambler.

Like a shark is a gambler. Yeah, there's a few of those where you're like... Oh. Yeah. It makes more sense the wrong way. Yeah. Or it makes enough sense the wrong way. It makes enough sense the wrong way that everybody's like, it's card shark.

But before Jaws, did anyone have any problem with sharks? No. No. I don't think so. Jaws just started a worldwide shark panic. Yeah. And what's his name? The guy who wrote it.

Regret. Yeah. Peter Benchley said he never would have written it if he knew what it would do to the shark population. He would have written it about he knew what it would do to the to the shark population yeah um he would have written it about a little wolf on wall street so in in self quest is a kid a kid who has his own apartment yeah it's unclear it's definitely me do you still have copies of it yes can actually uh do you have any we did a reading of it right now i wish i wish i on your phone? We did a reading of it. Can we do a reading right now? I wish I could provide you with some right now.

It had its good parts. Yeah. I'm not totally throwing it under the bus. There was some good parts, but it was also very broad strokes, let's say, as I've described. Not a lot of great parts for women in it. Women aren't very well represented. But the meat of the story is he finds his friend who's a bit dumber than him. Let's just say my character wears a button-up shirt and his friend wears a Hawaiian shirt.

You know what I mean? One guy, he just likes to have fun and I'm a little bit more in my head. Sherman and Matt are their names. You're Sherman? Yeah, and they live in Wisconsin Or Wyoming Why not? Sheridan, Wyoming Yeah

No idea why They have apartments there He wants to drive to a desert To find himself I was always obsessed With the desert As a kid I just want to go to the desert

And find myself And he convinces his friend To drive And everything that could Go wrong Does Wherein two things go wrong They pick up a

hitchhiker who turns out to be a murderer of course and then in the original in the short version the two guys

die at the end which my drama teacher was like you gotta change the ending from an execution it's like a fun

romp and then they both get shot in the head also it kind of ruins the second act if you if i had to expand into a second act i knew i had to change the execution so they're gonna slowly die of natural causes yeah they're bleeding out and this is um the the trip to the desert is their self quest. That's the self quest.

Yeah. What's the other thing that could go wrong? Two things go wrong. Oh, uh, then, uh, the,

a cop, uh, doesn't believe the cop is convinced by the murderer guy that in fact, they're the crazy ones. Hmm. Oh, trouble gets good murderer guy. Yeah.

He's very, he can really switch it on and off, you know? Like he's like, he, at one point he's like wearing glasses, talking about college. And the next moment he's trying to stab you from the back. You know what I mean? Did you ever in your life go to the desert for a self quest?

No, but I have always had an affinity for the desert. My parents now are snowbirds. They have a place in Scottsdale. Oh. Oh, yeah, you go every year for spring training. I haven't been in a few years, but I used to go. I went three years in a row to watch spring training in Arizona. And so I've had some desert time. Cactus League. I went for a walk in the desert, let's say.

Well, around their subdivision. Yeah. And I found, I had pretty good thoughts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Self-quest done. It seems like that's the only place to go to get a real clear head is the desert. Or maybe the Arctic. Under the sea.

Under the sea. That's true. Prairie is a little desert-like, too, when you're on the open prairies there. Yeah. What are we trying to get? Huh? What are we trying to clear our heads of? Just clear your heads, really figure out where you're going in life.

Yeah, figure out new dunks to do. Yeah. New creative ways to do. Yeah. New creative ways to dunk. Yeah. But you need a place with no distractions. The big city's not going to come. And from growing up in the West Coast here, in the Pacific Northwest, because there's lots of mountains, you're surrounded by things.

And so I guess I always sort of craved the vast open space of the desert. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Sage brush and whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Unforgiven. the desert. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Sage brush and whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Unforgiven. Doing peyote. Yeah. Yeah. Did you find yourself? Where? In Scottsdale. In Scottsdale?

Yeah. At a delightful boutique in one of America's biggest malls. Did you buy some, what's the jewelry? The Southwestern jewelry. Oh, oh, what's the jewelry? The southwestern jewelry. Oh, turquoise

jewelry? Yeah, well I did and like every store in Scottsdale that sells turquoise is

like going out of business, 70% off all our turquoise. You can't all be

going out of business. And how did you all get into business? Yeah. Do you have any plans to go back to more spring training?

I want to go this year. The Chicago Cubs, my favorite baseball troop, last year had kind of a disappointing season, even though they won 95 games and were in a playoff game, wild card game, or whatever. But it was still a frustrating season, and I really want to devote myself

because I feel like this is going to be a big bounce back here. Oh, okay. You want to be in there for a little jump. I want to be in there. I'm going to do it too.

Maybe it was my, maybe I affected them by not being in there. You definitely did. Yeah, I think it was my fault. By not being there. Yeah, so I got to get there. New year, new Ryan.

Got to get there and got to ask a younger, fitter man to sign my glove. Hi, sir. Hello, man. We're two men. If I did your job, I'd be retired by now.

Exactly. Oh, and I was never good enough to do your job in the first place. No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I definitely remember turning 18 and 19 and being like, oh, I'm now the age I dreamed I would be in professional hockey. Better get moving. And now it's like, oh, well, now there are three players older than me.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I've done that. I've clocked my age along like, oh, this is where I would be entering my prime, as they'd say in major leagues. You're age 27. Like, oh, this is when I would really be cashing in a huge contract. Is there any sport, aside from maybe curling or something, where the age is the benefit? Age ain't nothing but a number.

Oh, maybe darts. Darts. Darts. Maybe experience. But also, but that, your skills would fade as you get older, you know.

Or not. Or not. Maybe you, maybe the control and everything comes with age and experience. I don't know.

Like, what's a sport that I could start? Oh, right. Today. Yeah, if I started today. Darts.

Darts. Maybe curling? Archery. You could totally start curling. You wouldn't, I don't know if you'd, I think it's too late to be world class. Yeah. But, you know, nationals. I could get to nationals, maybe.

I mean, if you came from a really weak province. Because I feel like that's something people do from a young age Like because there are now And there have been for quite some time You know, young, fit Oh, I know You should get into pickleball It's sweeping the nation

What is that? It's tennis with less moving Yeah, it's tennis It's a smaller court It's always doubles, I think I think so, I'm not sure It's a smaller court. It's always doubles, I think. I think so. I'm not sure. It's a wooden... Mallet.

Racket. Excuse me. So this is some sort of polo. Excuse me. Not mallet at all. Like a big ping pong racket. Yes. And a smaller tennis court.

Usually played... Well, no, usually played indoors. But when it's played indoors, it doesn't have to be played on a tennis court. I see it in gymnasia. Okay. Yeah. Is that the plural? What's... indoors, it doesn't have to be played on a tennis court. I see it in gymnasia. Okay. Yeah. Is that the plural? What's,

why is it called pickleball? No idea. And the ball is a, like a wiffle ball. It's a wiffle ball. I don't know why. My dad, I like to bug my father about this

because I'm like, I'm going to get you a pickleball set. And he's like, I don't want a pickleball set. But then he knows, he knows so much about pickleball. I'm like, oh,

you talk, you know a lot about this pickleball I'm going to get you a set he's like no just read an article anyways what's in a set just I would get him

two mallets as I called them and a ball and some meat to pound and then a pickle to put on the set pickleball

I think it has something to do with who created it or what but it's sweeping it's very popular with older people, I believe, because it doesn't require

as much moving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, I think that could be a sport. Maybe you and I could just get into it and become, I think you could pick up

pickleball and maybe have a shot at becoming Wow, that's not bad. becoming at least regionally good. I've also heard those crazy strong

men competitions yeah moving a tire yeah that you the your capacity for doing that increases to to a certain point and then yeah then falls off yeah you don't see a lot of like yeah 20 year old guys no they're all pretty weathered and yeah and i think it like takes that long to like stack on that kind of... Destroy your body? You know, like picking up those cement spheres. Yeah. They are just like big balls of cement. They flip a car, right? They do a car flip one where they flip a small car.

I think they flip a small car over and over. I've seen that. I saw Michael Jackson beat up a car. Oh, yeah. I saw Zangief beat up a car a few times. Yeah, but that was between levels. Yeah. And then in a brick factory?

Michael Jackson also turned into a panther, I think. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he did a lot of things. He was a ghost at one point. Yeah. He was a zombie guy. When was he a ghost?

It was one of his later hits. Not hits. Maybe songs. Yeah, yeah. I knew he was a spaceman with his sister. Yeah. He was a spaceman. He wrote guitars in space.

He was a smooth criminal. He was a smooth criminal. He was just like a bad boy in an underground garage. He was not. He was not. Billy Jean's lover. That's right. That's right.

Thank you. Thank you. I mean, that's his side of it. Yeah. I believe women. Oh, shit. I'm the worst. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Well, we were recording this January 3rd. Graham was away for a week, and it was nice to have a little week off from not recording. Yeah. We still released episodes, so get off our back. Literally, no one has ever complained. No. We just get complaints that we're getting oysters wrong. But, I don't know, this was sent by someone whose last name was Rockefeller.

Is that a thing? Oysters Rockefeller? I think so. Yeah. So, yeah, we haven't seen each other since before Christmas. is that a thing Oyster's Rockapella I think so yeah um so yeah we uh we haven't seen each other since before Christmas

so I'm sorry this is coming out on January 14th and we're gonna talk about Christmas but Silver Bells Oyster Rockapella

Oyster's Rockapella this is nice time to get that in there yeah yeah yeah doo hoist this rockapella nice time to get that in there yeah yeah yeah do okay uh Christmas was fun

had a fun Christmas yeah yeah uh the only uh bummer was Poppy was so sick oh no she was sick for like

she had a fever non-stop for like a week leading up to Christmas yeesh and oh no and you give her ibuprofen and it goes away and so the doctors are like She had a fever nonstop for like a week leading up to Christmas. Yeesh. And you give her ibuprofen and it goes away. And so the doctors are like, well, that's a sign to just. Let it. Yeah, let it pass.

Yeah. Right. What did the doctor say about monkeys on that? No more. No more. Okay, he said one more. And then like on Christmas Eve, Abby was giving her some, uh, oh, she also didn't want to eat anything.

It was very frustrating. Like, and then we, uh, you know, Abby gave her some orange juice. She had a sip. I hated it. Yeah. We'd like give her a little bit of a fruit pouch. She would, uh, have a little bit and then stop. And then this is like your Christmas.

Exactly. Yeah. And then on Christmas Eve, we realized we think she has hand, foot and mouth disease again. Again. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Put some gloves and socks on her.

Yeah. So because we were like, oh, there's these sores in her mouth. Oh, no. That's why an orange juice. No, thanks. Yeah. So we were basically torturing her with citric acid. sores in her mouth. Oh, no. That's why orange juice, no thanks. Yeah, exactly. So we were basically

torturing her with acidic fruit. Have more citric acid. And, uh, like, uh, and her breath was so bad from all these.

That's from the cigarette. Yeah. And, like, I went to brush her teeth and a bunch of sores popped and it was. Oh, no. No.

I was just about to eat these oysters. Oysters, Rockabella. Oh, no. I was just about to eat these oysters. Oysters, Rockabella. Oh, boy. And so that was a very difficult few days. No kidding. Yeah. Oh, boy.

But then she came out great. Yeah. Yeah. Came out the other side. Baby New Year. Yeah, totally. Just chatty and fun and back to our normal. Six cups of OJ a day.

Yep. And a fruit pouch. Let me juice that lemon with my mouth for you. It's a living. Did I mention she's a tiny dinosaur? She's a tiny dinosaur. You did mention that, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, so that was fun that was fun who would be the lemon squeezer in the flintstone universe uh because often the animals coming with a beak yes or something uh with a pointy head yeah but what well you know that one that the the dinosaur looks like a balding man like he's got the skull and then the fringe. Looks like a bald man. Yeah. Yeah. Played a prominent role in the second Jurassic world film. I know that.

I know that one. Cause they like to butt heads those dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, yeah. Ah, so I would say that one would be a good one.

The juice and orange or does it have anything to catch the juice or does it just another, another animal probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pelican. A bat. Yeah. It's, juice or does it just another another animal probably yeah yeah like a pelican a bat yeah it's it was always one animal one device right yeah that's true they never really combined them and some some things they just had and some things were animals it was very unclear that's

right they would just have a lamp yeah but then the record player was a bird yeah I don't know the Flintstones universe very confusing as a comedian that was on the show I think at one point Jeffrey Yu used to have a bit where

no maybe he never was maybe he was the Flintstones celebrate Christmas so was maybe never was but uh maybe he was the flintstones uh celebrate christmas so yeah right well you know many uh millions of years before the birth of jesus that's like uh bc's problem the cartoon strip bc yeah they get all they there's a lot of jesus content in there and it's and it's called bc which is really putting it all out there. That's what that stands for, before Christ. That was a weird comic strip because it was sometimes caveman,

sometimes it was ants. Yeah. They were chatting on an ant hill. And sometimes there was the Wizard of Id. Yes, sometimes the Wizard of Id would be there. Sometimes Rex Morgan would stop by. Anyone need a doctor? Horrendous Herman or whatever.

Hagar the Horrible. Horrendous Herman. Herman was just Herman. Yeah, it was Horrendous. I was thinking of Hagar the Horrible. Define Hagar the Horrible for me. He was a Viking? Now, is it pronounced Hagar? Or Hagar? I think it's Hagar. Like the slagar the Horrible for me. He was a Viking? Now, is it pronounced Hagar?

Or Hagar? I think it's Hagar. Like the slacks. Oh, I don't know. Because I always grew up saying Hagar. Hagar. Sammy Hagar. I think it's like the writer of Dr. Jekyll was Jekyll.

It was always Jekyll. Really? What? That's how it was in his mind. And then everyone just pronounced it how it's like gif the better way

yeah Jekyll Jekyll hi I'm Mr. Jekyll not scared of you Dr. Jekyll um I uh

was so so Wizard of It is that not Viking times too no I guess that's just medieval it was medieval medieval yeah

royal ugly dudes yeah and it was like uh but yeah I just remember sometimes it was cavemen. Yeah. And sometimes it was ants. Ants, yeah. And sometimes this biblical verse. Yeah.

Yeah. And the guy would cruise around on one wheel. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And they all had haircuts like the Beatles. They all had like bob cuts. Yeah. It was weird.

This was weird. Stylistically weird. Comics. True. Because that's gone. That's gone away for the most part. I guess it's still in newspapers, but it's got to be there. I haven't checked, but there would be no, there's no equivalent now to peanuts or Garfield.

No, no. Like unifying thing that everyone like kids today. And it's probably a lot of it is in syndication at this point too, perhaps. Yeah. Just rerunning like Calvin and Hobbes again. Right. Turn around the sun, they own it all, maybe.

I don't know, this is me dunking on some facts I know nothing about. Bill Keen has handed off permanently to Billy. To Billy, yeah. That's right, Billy. Family circus. And he's, because he's devoting his time

to chasing the ghost, not me, and capturing him finally. Do you remember the ghost, not me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was one, it was all based on Bill Keen's life,

but he had one extra kid that never made it into the comic cat. Oh, really? Really? Yeah. Because he was a bad boy, maybe? I don't know. There was three kids in that,

and he had four kids. Oh, my God. Like the Osbournes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Or, you know, Tiffany Trump. Maybe that child wouldn't sign the release form. Maybe it was not me. That was sad.

That is sad. That is sad. Yeah, it is sad. But not me is getting his revenge. Or her revenge. Their revenge. We go to church on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Okay.

And Margot's been to church, but this is like her first Christmas where she's aware of more stuff. Yeah. And she was super excited for Santa. And I was like, okay, so here's what's going to happen at church. They're going to tell the story about this guy, Jesus. Yeah. You may have heard about him from the BC comics. Yeah, the ants talk about him every now and then.

So there's this guy, God, who created everything. Okay, in a nutshell, here we go. I was just trying to get rid of the spark notes. The spark notes. Yeah. And, you know, this was a super special baby was born. It's God's son. It has human parents, too.

But it's born, and they couldn't get a hotel for it. So they had the baby was born in a barn. And a big star went up over the baby, and people came and visited the star. And, you know, there were there were like donkeys and sheep and and uh cows all around yeah and then uh later my my uh i don't know i guess abby asked margo so uh what was the play about in church and she said it was about a donkey shrek wasn't there but uh uh he featured prominently.

Well, you know, if the donkey's rocking. Yeah. It was about Dominic, the Italian Christmas donkey. What is that? You know that? I don't.

Chingity-ching, it's Dominic the donkey. Chingity-ching, the Italian Christmas donkey. You know it. Yeah. Comes on every year. It's a claymation, isn't it? Oh, I don't know.

I only know the song. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've never. By Lou Monti. Lou Monti. All right. Nice. I'll look this up.

You don't know? I don't know, Dominic. Dominic the Italian Christmas donkey? Italian American Christmas donkey? I thought this was made up. There's no claymation. I was just trying to riff on a joke. You don't know it either?

No, I don't know it. No. I thought it was... Is this real? Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. No, I've never heard of Dominic the donkey, the Italian Christmas donkey.

Yeah. The more I say it, the less I believe it. Hmm. I mean, I believe. I want it. I mean, I believe. I want to believe. I want to believe. The truth is out there. When was the X-Files where they investigated

the reports of an Italian Christmas donkey? You think I'm crazy, don't you? But there's an Italian Christmas donkey out there and he's laughing at us. There's an Italian Christmas donkey out there and he's laughing at us. Wow. Wow. Oh.

Wow. Wow. That's beautiful. This is a conversation I was having with my brother about going like see you just assumed that everybody knew dominic the italian and have you ever been to like um you know like a holiday celebration and the family does something that's very weird and you're like what the hell is this and they just assumed that every family does it yeah and my brother's fake example was like okay well we'll go out and plant the thanksgiving tree there are totally things like that yeah yeah yeah well like and by the way i only assumed

like dominic the christmas donkey i only assumed you knew it because it's sort of become a thing. Like, what's the story behind this song? Oh, okay. In recent years. I didn't know it until 10 years ago. And what is the story? Oh, Lou Monti sang it. Okay. Someone wrote it, someone sang it.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. Great. It was produced and released. It was for Italian people. Yeah. Well, Italian people are favorite donkeys. Yeah.

I understand. for italian people yeah well italian people favorite donkeys yeah yeah i understand i mean every ethnicity needs their christmas mascot yeah yeah italian christmas like uh olaf the ukrainian christmas ox that i i've always baru baru baru baru yeah oh boy Petey the Polish popcorn eating pigeon do you Christmas pigeon

do you have any traditions that you've discovered not everyone just trying to think not not that

but I've been to uh like for sure like I remember when I was a kid and I would go to a dinner and they would have you know like somebody would do a toast or something and i was like what the hell is this like somebody's standing up at dinner yeah yeah yeah yeah what are these forks doing on the table

forks and knives i don't know like where's the where's the trough i will sometimes and i don't know like voila where's the where's the trough I will sometimes and I don't know if my daughters will realize that what the joke is but sometimes when I'm

if I like we have people over for dinner and I cook something I will serve dinner and we'll all sit down and I'll close my eyes

and put my head down and pretend we're gonna say grace yeah yeah yeah yeah like that's a very weird if you didn't come from a grace household and then you went to a grace household i remember a grace household and i

remember being i i was so hard not to laugh in the in the moment um because i was uncomfortable well and it's because you're like this is the one time you're not supposed to yeah exactly your brain's like you should laugh it's weird you're holding hands And being quiet Isn't it strange? I came from a Grace house Okay And it was not weird And it was cool Yeah No and I

Grace or not Grace That's your But I support both Grace in a restaurant I thought was insane Yeah Oh that's

I've seen Grace in a restaurant That's a bit Yeah I've seen Grace under fire Yeah The original title of that show was Grey's Under

Fire. Grey's Under Fire restaurant. I mean, it would have worked. What a crazy show. They had a few

restaurant sets. Yeah. She still worked at the plant or whatever, but she would go eat at the restaurant.

That's right. Brett Butler. Brett Butler. I remember liking that show. Butler. Yeah. It was,

it was, you know, it was a Roseanne knockoff. Absolutely. But it was still. I remember liking that show. Butler. Yeah. It was, it was, you know, it was a Roseanne knockoff. Absolutely. But it was still. I thought it was first. Of Grace on the Fire? Yeah,

yeah, yeah. No. I think it, I think Roseanne ripped it off. You guys don't know when I'm joking anymore. Chingity Ching.

Well, no, exactly. Exactly. It's Dominic. It's a very good plan. So, yeah, that was my Christmas. Oh, yeah, and then the last week, we dropped the kids off with their grandparents,

and Abby and I have been doing the unthinkable. What? Going to restaurants. Nice. Saying grace at restaurants. Saying grace at restaurants. Going to movies, watching stuff at home. Fantastic.

Going to bed at eight. Oh, nice. Nice. St. Grace's Restaurant. St. Grace's Restaurant. Going to movies, watching stuff at home. Fantastic. Going to bed at 8. Oh, nice. Nice. Pretty good. Yeah. That was my New Year's. I was in bed real early. Oh, you've been sick.

Same here. Yeah. Yeah, and I don't like New Year's. Yeah, I feel like if I have a gig on New Year's, that's one thing. Sure. Otherwise, no thanks. No, thank you. Yeah.

It's too aggressive. People are aggressive with their desire To have fun And take MDMA Yeah And also I watched A bit of the Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve

Starring Ryan Seacrest That's what they call it now Really And It was pissing rain And They all decided to not Use umbrellas

So Really? Everybody just looked like Like drowned rodents uh yeah it was uh it was really something did you see uh every hour anderson cooper and andy cohen did uh shots of tequila i think oh no oh yeah on the hour and uh anderson cooper has never had any alcohol maybe but his reaction was it was like ever like andy cohen would do his and then just keep talking and anderson cooper needed like 30 seconds to to recover like oh yucky

not wolf blitzer no he can take a shot yeah yeah yeah in the season because you can't you can't get into the situation room without taking a shot with wolf first you want to sit at that table you take a shot it's a sign of respect yeah it's culture yeah um it's news it's a news show is it not yeah yes then you're taking a shot what uh what do you do uh i went home i went home to calgary for a few days and uh yeah i went saw the brand new uh library oh calgary fantastic uh beautiful architecture one of these buildings that uh you know they were like we're gonna put all the things in this library so it's got like it's got a whole jungle gym for kids that's completely soundproof right so you could you'd stand right next to it and it would didn't you couldn't hear

them screaming it's like it was a prison it's a silence of the lambs style their parents can't hear them scream and uh you know it had like a multi multimedia room i know you're a big fan of multimedia um and uh yeah it was beautiful beautiful architecture so i went and saw the brand new library fantastic and then one of the nights i had planned with my brother to watch UFC 232. Oh, my goodness. Oh, that's the best one. Yeah. He said on episode 565 of his podcast.

And then it turned out my brother had plans. So I wasn't going to go to a bar by myself to watch UFC. Seems dangerous. Yeah. You want to go with at least one person. Yeah, some protection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A level of testosterone of testosterone yeah yeah um a buffer person than you which my brother is he's in the strongman competition and so uh my parents were like well we'll order it on pay-per-view

we'll watch it with you so i. How long did your parents last? They watched the whole thing. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long is the pay-per-view UFC? Hours? There's like an undercard that's several hours before the kind of five fights that are the top. That you actually pay for the pay-per-view.

So the five fights, they say it's like between 8 p.m. and 1 in the morning. But some of the fights only go 30 seconds. Right, exactly. And then there's a lot of Joe Rogan vamping. Conjecture. There's a lot of replays of that one thing that happened. They throw it back to the Situation Room. You just paid for 20 minutes of CNN.

Joe Rogan makes you smoke a mixture of marijuana and tobacco. So divine. This is wonderful, isn't it, Elon? Now, he calls his podcast The Experience. It's a Joe Rogan experience, right?

Speaking of experiences. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to throw it back there. And he's... When were we speaking of experiences? The very beginning for a second

about my play. You must have so much money, this Joe Rogan. oh sure just from just from being a tv staple for whatever it was two decades yeah he was oh right you know news radio then he was fear factor yeah and then he's been ufc the whole time the whole time and then he's got this podcast that billions of people listen to yeah what do you get from youtube for listens for looks and watches for youtube yeah what do you what's the money game there i think i have a

million views i think i heard a few years ago that it thousand dollar thousand views is a dollar so a million views is a thousand dollars. It's a fool's game. I mean, you know, not if you're Psy. Yeah. The most recent example I can come up with, Psy. Not if you're that guy who made a glitter bomb. There's, yeah, so uh the big fight of the night uh huh

oh who was it Knuckles O'Hallahan yeah it was Knuckles O'Hallahan and Ruggs Wriggles Ruggs Wriggles yeah

not to be confused with the Rags Ruggles oh he's wriggling he's wriggling there he goes we knew he was gonna do this um but the whole night it was it was uh underdogs were winning there he goes we knew he was gonna do this um

but the whole night it was it was uh underdogs were winning oh my goodness uh although the uh

long shots were winning this is all male or were there no the the second biggest fight of the night was a woman's fight uh huh

and the underdog won and now has two belts wow women love accessories is that okay on paper yeah and on pay-per-view but it's also the first time i think that i've ever watched a pay-per-view

anything i've never oh yeah uh so that was that was a fun experience in and of itself i once I think that I've ever watched a pay-per-view anything. Oh, yeah. So that was a fun experience in and of itself. I once watched SummerSlam on pay-per-view at a friend's house. Was that friend kind of a brat? A bit of a brat. Had a TV room in the basement that was pretty

decked out. Four or five TVs. Whoa! Oh, teasing. But one of those, I'm sure it wasn't a panic room. No, it was a house of mirrors. I'm picturing like a late 90s giant box TV.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, I remember my dad got a big TV when I was very, very young and it took two men to lift it up to the attic where he put it. Wow.

Two sturdy men. It was so big. Still there to this day. No, it's not. But the men are. The men are. The men squatters rights, they said.

My dad, a lawyer, knew he could do nothing. Yeah, it's weird that basically for most of my life I watched a tv that was no bigger than a laptop across a room yeah and now i would be disgusted with the the mirror i can't watch your laptop i'm close close exactly covered in dust and fingerprints yeah and bath water soup splatter hear me yeah um yeah so that was that was a fun that was a fun highlight how long were you away uh i was it was gone for like five five days oh wow you know don't you normally go for like a day oh yeah a quick in

a quick in and out how's that how do you do yeah that's your father exactly he's fine uh but yeah i had a little time so i was like yeah why not go for a chunk of time yeah enjoy the cold weather that is calgary is it uh like did you go back when you were you know in your early 20s and your brothers would be in the same house like because now you go back and your brothers just go home at the end of the night and you're yeah that's a weird that's right yeah they well they uh they kind of hang around a lot during that so they're just in the holiday season yeah so i just see them a lot any sleepovers yeah i think they slept over the night before but there's not enough space yeah for for proper yeah because, but there's not enough space. Yeah. For a proper. Yeah, because there's brothers and then brothers' wives.

Yes. So there's not enough beds. Yeah. So Graham was out on the porch. That's right. I was out on the porch. Yeah. And it was cold.

Yeah, sure. Sure, cold. It's Christmas. Yeah. But you know what? You make do. Well, yeah, a little cold never killed anybody. It killed a lot of people.

It killed a ton of people. You make do. Well, yeah, a little cold never killed anybody. It killed a lot of people. It killed a ton of people. It was when you were putting out your saber-toothed cat, and the cat somehow outsmarted you, and you were stuck outside.

It's weird that some animals in that world were pets, and some were appliances. Yes, exactly. Because that saber-tooth could have opened up a can. Absolutely. And also, it's clearly trying to harm you. Like, it's locking him out. Was that saber tooth cat?

Was it only in the opening credits? I think it was only in the credits. Because Dino was their pet of choice. Yeah. That's right. You never saw the saber tooth tiger the rest of the time. So maybe it was just a predator that went inside to try to eat his family after locking him out. And Fred just kindly gently put it outside.

Yeah, well, he knows how to handle himself. So when he's yelling, Wilma! He's not yelling, please let me in. He's yelling, you're being attacked! You're being devoured! There was a lot of holes in that show. But it of holes in that show.

Yeah. But it was a prime time television show. Yeah, with a laugh track. Yeah. That's right. This cartoon was drawn in front of a live studio. Exactly. Such a boring audience experience.

Why was that something they said on TV all the time? Because of the Flintstones maybe? Yeah, like the Cosby show was filmed before. Live studio audit. To prove it's not canned laughter. But like why was there like some kind of commission trying to

verify that yes this was alive? I know that on Cheers they started doing it because people thought the laughter was too good. Juiced. Yeah, and that's why they started saying it at the beginning because they were like, no, this actually was, this show is just that funny. Yeah.

That, uh. Yeah. And same with the Flintstones. Same with the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. Just that. Do kids know Flintstones. Same with the Flintstones. Yeah. Just that. Do kids know Flintstones? Your kids know Flintstones?

There's still Flintstones vitamins. Like, that's still prominent, isn't it? My kids don't know Flintstones. My kids are Jetsons all the way. That's right. Right, right. This is a Jetsons household. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know where they would... But, like, Flintstones weren't making new episodes when I was a kid. But Archie's still around, you know what I mean? It's got to be still... Yeah, do you think they're going to do a dark Riverdale-style reboot? Of Flintstones?

That would be amazing. That would be so awesome. That would be great. And then it's just like a Pelican gun. Fuck, I would love to... I auditioned to sell Archie a gun for Riverdale. It was a part I wanted so bad. Yeah, of course.

Just from my youth, like just the thought of like, I'm a gun shop owner carding Archie Andrews as he's buying a gun. What? I didn't see the show. He's going to shoot somebody? Archie killed somebody? What does Archie need a gun? I'm sorry.

I didn't watch it. I just wanted to be that guy so bad. Yes, to be part of the Archie Need a Gun? I'm sorry, I didn't watch it. I just wanted to be that guy so bad. Yes, to be part of the Archiverse. But just to have an interaction with Arch. It's like having like, like doing a hit for Garfield or something like that. We need you to kill Nermal. He's too cute and he keeps coming back

from wherever I mail him abu dhabi yes oh boy uh do we want to move on to a little bit of business sure hey hey you there who me yeah you whoa whoa whoa what oh there's the dulcet tones of zip recruiter it's me, ZipRecruiter. Whoa, whoa. Loving to croon all the time. Now, you know that ZipRecruiter only shows up when we're doing an ad for ZipRecruiter. What would I do?

And then, and then you, oh, wait. And what you know. Here it is Is that No one will believe you When you said you saw me That's Bill Murray Not Zipper Krooner Am I still Krooner?

You know what's smart Zipper Krooner? What? Kicking off 2019 By planning out which roles you need to hire for. What does a crooner need to hire for? Well, I love rolls. I love cinnamon rolls.

This is all I'm going to do. Increscent rolls right out of the oven. And you can start by using the smartest way to hire ZipRecruiter. Whoa, okay. ZipRecruiteriter powerful matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply don't you unapply do apply that's the thing for you what these songs are uh they're not all winners i'm'm not a writer. I'm just a singer. It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the U.S. This rating comes from hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews.

I hope I don't get killed off in a couple episodes. But maybe I should. And right now, our listeners can listen to ZipRecruiter all they want. That's right, everyone. Zippity-doo, I'm releasing an album. Oh, what's it called? ZipRecruiter sings the hiring hit. Nice.

And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash stop. If you love this show, show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash S-T-O-P. S-T-O-P, I can't look a guest in the face while I'm doing this. Back to the show. You got it. Back to the show. You got it. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey. She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't she learn what it's all about?

Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family. Do you want him staying with us? He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society for maximum fun. Hey, it's Jesse, the host of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne.

I'm coming to Portland, Oregon. We're going to be doing a very special live episode of Bullseye, my NPR interview show. It's taking place Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall. What are you going to see if you go to Portland, Oregon to see this show? You will see me live on stage talking with folks like Corin Tucker from Slater Kinney, director Lance Bangs, writer Bill Oakley, Simpsons legend. We will also have live music from Roseblood and live comedy from Katie Nguyen. It's going to be a blast and a half.

It's also part of a big podcast festival called Listen Up Portland. Tons of other great podcasts are playing at it, too. Our pals the Doughboys, among others. So, again, that's Friday, February 15th at Revolution Hall in Portland, Oregon, 7 p.m. Tickets are on sale now. Get them at ListenUpPortland.com. And thanks. tickets are on sale now get them at listen up portland.com and thanks overheard uh overheard the segment in which we hear things out there or see things out there in the world and then we report them back here on the podcast yeah we always like to start with

the guests fair enough um so I have a one I saw and one I heard. Do you prefer? Do you want to do both? Do both? Yeah. And you can pick one that might be,

or maybe they're both bad. Overheard. Pick one. When you're editing, when you're editing sweet. We're not editing anything. Yeah, no, this is all. Oh, this is all just stays in?

Yeah. Oh, then I better up the racism. Overheard. I was walking my dog. And if you don't know, my dog is very little. He's a Scottish terrier. Yeah.

And behind me was a man and his little daughter. And she said, Dad, Dad, I think that dog is a German Shepherd. Adorable, because German Shepherd is much bigger. And he goes, no, no, no. I think that's a I think that's a Scottish Terrier honey and she goes

oh oh I don't think I like them then like based on the name doesn't like to breathe the dog in my mouth oh that's a Scottish Terrier then I don't think I like them then

let's go German I'm German all the way yeah and uh yeah and he said das ist gut. Yeah,

du hast. Yeah, du hast. And then he dunked her all the way home. I'm known, if we do choose to add it, what is your other one?

Yeah. Just the other day I thought about, you know how people play Quidditch in real life? Yes. Well,

I saw an adult group doing Quidditch. Oh, wow. And I remember, I saw an adult group doing Quidditch. Oh, wow. And I remember, I remember like, I watched it for a while because I was a little bit stoned on weed.

It was a perfect thing to come across that afternoon. Just fascinated by the people doing it. You know, whatever floats your boat, you know what I mean?

Yeah. And I remember like, I remember going like, oh man, who or what is the snitch? You know, whatever floats your boat. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I remember going like, oh, man, who or what is the snitch? You know, the dodgeballs. Just as I thought that, a gentleman opened the door of a car I guess he'd been sitting in, hiding. He was dressed all in gold.

He started running around, and then they chased him. He was the snitch. He was the snitch. He was the snitch. It was the best. And then like the two seekers are like, there he is. And they chased this man around. They like left the park.

It was Brian in his car the whole time. Yeah. So I don't know Harry Potter that well. But when you were saying a group of of uh adults playing adult Quidditch I was trying to think if it was like you know guys from a halfway house or just like an activity

and then my mind started to wander but like oh I wonder if like I like imagining a human interest story about all these prisoners are playing Quidditch. At the prison, there's only one book that gets passed around. I didn't think I'd like it, but it's helping me rehabilitate myself.

But then as you kept talking, I was like, oh, they couldn't do that because you can't be a snitch in prison. Snitches get Quidditch. I went on this all day. No, they just make the snitches the snitch. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And then he's running for his fucking life. What is the rules of quidditch you're trying to score?

So there's two hoops, which you're trying to knock through. Which you're kind of trying to dunk on a broom on there. They're trying to get, I think they're called quaffles, through the hoop for a certain number of points. Then there's the bludgers or whatever. They're trying to hurt you. They're balls that are trying to harm you. And so your beaters are beating them away with cricket bats.

And then finally there's the snitch, which is a small golden ball that stays hidden in the car. Until the time is right. Until it just, it just appears. So the seekers are just looking for it the entire game. When it appears,

whoever catches it, when it's caught, they get like a hundred points and the game is over. So the, the, everything else doesn't matter except the snitch.

This is a common argument against Quidditch, but like, I guess the point is like, you really got to rack those points up early because you never know when the snitch is going to appear. Right. You got to stay in the game.

So the bludgers, these are sentient balls? Yes. And so is the snitch. Uh-huh. So the bludgers are? Are two bigger boys, or the Weasley twins. Oh, okay. Who are kind of like defenders.

But if you are doing live action like if you're actually playing this. So are there people playing the Beatles? Oh great, that I don't remember. I remember the Quaffles and the, great question I don't think they're human beings that are being struck away. I think it's more you can probably, there's probably a dodgeball

element where you can maybe pick up the bludger and throw it at someone or something. I think, I don't know. And these are people running around with brooms between their legs. And they still have to have something like a broom between their legs. Yes, which is a big handicap. Would they? When you're not flying on it, it's a real, it just takes a hand away. Now, if you are.

It's really impractical. Oh, wow. It's just the best. I wish I could watch it every day. Did anyone have, like, a Swiffer Sweeper? Oh, I wish. I think they were all just brooms. Okay.

But, like, a red Violeta broom. I remember some of them had, like, they'd clearly done some crafting and made, like, a broom. Oh, okay. But some of them were just on a broom. They're clearly like, Oh, fuck, I got quit yesterday. I got to go get a broom I remember some of them had like they clearly done some crafting and made like a broom oh okay but some of them were just on a like clearly like oh fuck I got quidditch today I gotta go get a broom

at a dollar store fuck I got quidditch today that's a sentence oh god damn it I got quidditch today not today you know what I owe it to my team

to be there we've I mean we've battled all year yeah yeah yeah we're all wizards in our own in our own mind

but whatever you like you know yeah of course go for it have fun exactly you're not hurting anybody

except the snitch probably goes home with a couple injuries and they chased him it was in a park and they chased him out of the park,

like down a street. Into traffic. It was so exhilarating. He's doing a different car. Really? Yeah, he got in a taxi. They got in a taxi. Follow that snitch.

That would be great if the snitch timed it perfectly, ran across the park, got out of us. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, boy. But I don't know if that's the regular rules because Harry Potter and Quidditch League is like. Or maybe it's Aussie rules. Because there are people now who are, they play Quidditch quite regularly. There are leagues and stuff.

I don't know if, I know what I saw. I don't know if that's what the Snitch is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, I'm preparing for the flood of phone calls You're going to get in I'm a megalomaniac I think Everyone's going to call in about my Just the oyster corrector

Dave do you have an overheard? Mhmm I was taking a ferry a couple Days ago And in the bathroom Someone had written On the bathroom someone had written on the bathroom wall the the stall wall two people had uh one person well the first person had i think written bob is a fat lazy bitch

and then someone took a pen and added some corrections and made it. Bob is a bat, period. Daisy Swayze, bitchin' like crazy. Oh, wow. Really good. Using all the components from the original statement. Yeah. But if you know Bob, he is a lazy bit.

He's a lazy bit. You think Bob works on the ferry I don't know yeah it's hard to it's hard I've never seen a piece of

graffiti where I know that it's about a particular person although maybe in elementary school oh yeah for sure there might have been

a Mr. and Mrs. Mrs. O'Connor is a stupid lazy bitch Mrs. O'Connor is a stupid, lazy bitch. Mrs. O'Connor wants to cast herself in the play. Mrs. O'Connor is a really, really good actor, and she will be cast in my upcoming production of Self-Quest. It's really Ryan Beale.

It's all graffitied. A little promo. Missives, all missives. What's your overheard? Happy New Year, by the way. Back to you. There was a guy on the bus talking on the phone about his girlfriend who had slapped him in the face the night before.

Despite him saying he said this during the conversation. I had told her not to do that. So he specifically said, don't slap me in the face. And then the other person on the other end was talking for a bit. And he goes, you know what? She's pretty shady. But I'm pretty shady, too. That's how they found each other.

Yeah, that's where you hit the commercial break yeah so he found himself a shady girl that's nice a shady guy a shady lady yeah that's right

this guy I assume his name was Grady Grady Grady found a shady lady yeah the

you know you know what if you're in a relationship with somebody don't slap them in the face no and also what if you're in a relationship with somebody don't slap them in the face no no

and also if you're not in a relationship with somebody that's true this is a good rule of thumb don't go around don't strike others yeah

unless you were being struck at perhaps unless it's the snitch unless it's the snitch and strike away are they trying to tackle it that's what I god I like

I have so many regrets that day that I didn't follow the action that I didn't follow the action that I moved on too quickly I imagine maybe there was

like they had to grab a tag you know Oh yeah like flag football Yeah like maybe that makes more sense

Wow I just Did the snitch make a funny noise? Was there a guy No he didn't make any noise I think he didn't make any noise. I think he didn't make any noise.

He just like, he was deadly serious. And he started running around. Like he just like, he ran through. There was a big reaction from both teams. Whoa, it's a snitch. We knew there was, I didn't think he'd be so beautiful. He turned around, used a fob on his car. And then got to running.

Oh, boy. Was this in his driving? No, he was just in the car. If memory serves, he was in a passenger backseat. Maybe he was like, perhaps no one knows who's the snitch, and he knew he was like, you know, like Wink Murderer. He knew he was going to be the snitch. Right.

So at some point he stopped playing and waddled back to his car but like are there i mean like we talked about pickleball it's like how often does a sport you know become yeah yeah like how often does a new one come along like there's new video games all the time. Yeah, exactly. But there's not, you know, like the hot sports of 2018. Yeah, I'm working on a sport. I got a Kickstarter for my new sport, trying to get it off the ground. That would be amazing. What's the most recent? I guess Pickleball.

Yeah. But that's probably, that feels like it's 100 years old, too. Yeah. Like Ultimate Frisbee. Ultimate, yeah. Ultimate's pretty new on the sports scene I would say

I would say your UFC UFC is fairly new yeah yeah your extreme sports your snowboardings your skateboarding of course

you know those are some sports but like UFC also feels ancient yeah it is it's like it's equal parts

very old yeah it's primal violence yeah but it's equal parts very old. Yeah, it's primal violence. Yeah, but it's developed into its own. It's its own way of punching and kicking. Yeah. Which is hard, and repeatedly. Oh, oh. Yikes, yikes.

No. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to SPY at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Kale S. From right here in Vancouver. I was walking through Gastown and overheard this from a person in her 20s or 30s talking to her friends.

I'm on vacation, okay? My nails are done. My toes are done. My vacation, okay? My nails are done. My toes are done. My vag is done. My lashes are done. Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good.

Nails, toes, vag, and lashes. That's everything. I mean, I'm... That's how I learned how to make the sign of the cross. Nails, toes, vag, and lashes. In parochial school. Yeah. Also, your body's all fucked up.

You got that shoulder vagina. Yeah, yeah. And shoulder lashes. That's what you call body hair. It's just like a chest lashes with groin lashes. Yeah. Yeah.

This next one comes from uh audrey h yeah audrey and in the uh beyond the grave in the minneapolis area and i said what about breakfast activities hey it's the crooner from the commercial. No, it's me. Audrey Hepburn. I remember the film as I recall. Well, we both kind of liked it. What was the band? Deep Blue Something. I watched a video for This is the story of a girl

You know that? And the top 50 comments Are all about how that lead singer Is now an English teacher And he's like that's my English teacher And then I went to this school He was my English teacher No way

That's fun Yeah so all the comments are about How he's an English teacher Do you think he's ever had to Just say this is like He's talking about like little women? And he's open to like, this is the story of a girl. Everybody cheers. Now we're going to start the poetry unit.

I've been known to write a poem or two, I guess you could say. Just a multi-platinum poem. Yeah. Just a multi-platinum poem. So this is an old one from back when the movie Cars had just come out. My kids were obsessed with them. They had all the Matchbox cars from the movie, Lightning McQueen, Tow Mater, and there's a girl car as well.

They were playing cars together one day when I heard my daughter say, I'll bring the girl, Holly Shithole. She meant to say shift well. Holly Shithole. Holly Shithole. Oh, well, these kids, they don't know. I was going to say Ryan was feeling bad that his high school play didn't have enough good roles for women. Yeah.

Meanwhile, this movie has Lightning McQueen, Tow Mater, Girl Car. Girl Car. There's very few roles for Girl Car. Yeah. Yeah. Especially women cars of a certain age. Yeah. And cars of color.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah. This final one comes from Sean M. Parts unknown. I was walking down the street and noticed a grocery list on the sidewalk. I leaned over to read it and here is the full list exactly as it was written. Swiss cheese,

bread in brackets, any kind. And then the last item, nothing period else period, else, period. Wow. Yeah. I'm making a Swiss cheese sandwich. And that's it, self. Yeah.

I'll make it on a piece of pita, whatever. I don't care what kind of bread. That seems like someone trying to establish an alibi or something. You know what I mean? Like he's murdered someone with a specific grocery. But then has planted this grocery list. Look at my list. I only bought these two items that are very hard to murder a guy with, wouldn't you say?

Your Honor. No, guilty. Nothing else. Stop raising your eyebrows. Stop coming home with an armful of magazines. Yeah, guilty. Nothing else. Stop raising your eyebrows. Stop coming home with an arm full of magazines. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'll pick up an us, a hello, people. Uh-huh, Swiss cheese weekly.

Crossword puzzle. I love, my partner likes puzzle magazines. Puzzle magazines? Yes. Where they have articles about puzzles? Different kinds of puzzles to do. Right. Like, not just your crosswords.

Jigsaws. Yeah, jigsaws. Very, very frustrating. Escape rooms. Escape room is in there. Yep. How to throw your own escape room. Philosophical questions.

So, a couple weeks ago, I talked about how I was getting into jigsaw puzzles. Yeah. We stalled out. I see that there's one half. Well, maybe not half done. Quarter done. Well, maybe the edges are almost done. Can't do them.

Can't do them. Oh, no? Don't have a mind for it. Get really frustrated and impatient very fast. Me too. Abby's Christmas present to me, one of Abby's Christmas presents to me was a puzzle mat. Oh yeah. For the bath.

Sure. I don't really know. You're supposed to roll it up and then your puzzle gets ruined. I don't know why. Yeah. A friend had a puzzle for his children where it was like blank and you draw on it first and then you make your own puzzles. Somehow it stays permanent on the old

puzzle pieces because they have very small numbers so you can fit it together somehow. Huh. Yeah, I'll get a chunk and then that's it. Then I walk away and let the other people who know how to do puzzles get in there.

Yeah, and they all kind of fit together. Sometimes I get thrown under the bus by the puzzle because their pieces are too goddamn similar. Yeah, I get you. Puzzles make me look like a real idiot. They're puzzling. Yeah, by their nature. By their nature. In addition to overheards that have been written in, we've also accepted phone calls today as well.

One day only. And the way that works is you call 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-SPYPOD1 like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and guests. I'm calling from Ryan's high school. Hey, Dave and Graham, and guest, I'm Colin from Ryan's High School. Yeah, I mean, I bet you've gotten a lot of calls.

The wonderful world. Here comes the cavalcade of funny-voiced Muppets calling. I mentioned I went to high school on Sesame Street. Hey, everybody, it's me, Beaker. I don't say a lot but this like I can't shut up about this and uh Ryan went to high school with me and he was very abusive

and uh anyway uh buh buh boy oh Beaker. Oh, Beaker. Any others? Or real phone calls. Real phone calls.

Real phone calls. Hey, David Graham. This is Greg from Omaha calling in unoverheard. I was on my way home from my parents' house, and I stopped at a gas station in their hometown. And there were some teenagers who were hanging out with their friends who had to work on Thanksgiving. and there were some teenagers who were hanging out with their friends who had to work on Thanksgiving. And one of them said, yeah, we could hang out at my house, but Saturday is my mom's designated night to drink, and she hates me.

So we should find somewhere else. That's all. Off I go. Yeah, you don't want to ruin mom's Monday night in. She already hates you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really when she pours some sauce on that spite. Yeah. Yikes.

What's my designated day to drink? I mean, I don't know. Whatever. Patrick's day, I think. Yeah. Once a year. I only drink green beer. It's the only time of year you can get it.

When is the best New Year's Eve that's a big big drink designated drink night yeah everyone but yeah saint patrick's day is that the only other one like i feel like the fourth of july a lot of people is the only day one i think yeah yeah although yeah fourth of july like. Summertime from beginning to end. I know the Jewish holiday of Purim. Yeah. I think you're supposed to get so drunk that you can't remember who the bad guy and the good guy is in the story. Oh. I believe this is where you'll get a flood.

Yeah. This will be such a big flood. it'll be like Noah's Ark. Hey! Hey! Hi, David Graham. This is John from North Carolina calling with Oversaid. I was speaking with a co-worker. She was telling me that she was a backstage manager at a

music festival and one of the performers was Fred Schneider from the B-52s and he was about to go on for his set and he had requested a Diet Coke and

hadn't gotten it yet and she said he was getting a bit testy about it. And anyway, I kind of interrupted her and I said, where's my diet coke? And I expected a chuckle, but instead I got a look of horror thanks a lot

guys oh fuck I'm trying to remember what to say at the end oh yeah off I go yeah cause the whole time we were all picturing how he would ask for that's why I was so

giddy I bet people must Picturing how he would ask for it. Yes, exactly. That's why I was so giddy. I bet people must withhold. Hey, Fred Schneider, here is your Subway. Where's my Diet Coke? Or just withhold things from him until he gets mad and does the thing. You'll get your Diet Coke when you're mad enough. Is it to go?

I already told you it's to go. but did you tell me is it to go? It's to go! Here it is in your... So here it is to stay, is that right? How would you like your oysters? Hot oysters!

Finally! Hey, Dave Graham and wonderful guest. This is Doug from Winnipeg calling in with an overheard. I was just in an interstate rest area, and I heard a kid come in behind me as I was reading a sign. And a woman say, did you just leave the car running? Did you think that was a good idea? To which the kid responded, it's okay

I locked the door. Oh, I just thought about that. Love the show. Bye. Yeah, it's cool mom and dad have the car running but it's locked. I put it in neutral, pushed it, locked the door. Nobody's going gonna rob it

Now that it's in a ditch Oh boy Oh kids Kids God bless them You know But also don't leave Your dumb kid

In a running car Yeah that's the first The little foundation Of that story Although he was like Oh but I wanna keep Listening to This song

I miss in the morning. Mom. All right, I'll leave the car. He says the things other people don't even think about. He said some horrible things about a college basketball team. Mom. Where's the cowboy hat? think yeah i think so the crazy thing last night i couldn't sleep sometimes you'll have like just a thought like a repeating thought and my my repeating thought was whatever happened to the guy who was the the shock jock in calgary on cj92 whatever happened to that

guy so i had to wake up and actually go google it he just retired this year what was his name Jerry Forbes Jerry Forbes Jerry Forbes in the morning CJ92

was he a shark jock the whole way yeah he was it's actually it's actually it's actually sharp jock a lot of people

don't know yeah that's how it started sharp jock sharp in Australia a lot of people don't know yeah that's how it started sharp sharp in Australia it must be hard I'm a shark shark mate

he's a shark shark well that brings us to the end of the show here. Brian, each and every week you perform with the Sunday Service. Correct. Fox Cabaret. 9 p.m.

And once a month I co-host Talent Time, Paul Anthony's Talent Time at the Rio Theater. Is that off hiatus? No, it's tonight when we're recording this. Tonight. It's the first Thursday of every month. Right. At the Rio Theater. And anything else upcoming that you want to...

Check me out on various TV shows with a couple scenes and I never come back. Yeah, like what's a TV show somebody can see you on? iZombie you me her and someday the news for being a cool guy gonna say murderer terrible way to end the show just like your play yeah

self quest right you gotta change the execution scene we'll see maybe one day you'll sell Archie a gun yeah yeah it's possible I hope so or maybe I don't know. Jughead some crack. Yeah. Betty a back alley abortion.

Hagar the horrible. A snitch. Excuse me. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Ryan. Come back next week. Okay. Yeah.

And thank you to all of you out there for listening. Come see us at the Rio Theater in Vancouver on February 17th as part of JFL Northwest. Tickets are linked for the tickets is

available on the recap of this episode maximumfund.org. So much information. So much. And congratulations to Jerry Forbes on

40 years of broadcasting excellence. He's a real shark jar. Yeah. And if you like the show, please tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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