Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 570 - Tim Gray

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

Comedian Tim Gray joins us to talk bidets, text chains, and kissing trophies.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 570 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's got a little bit of a cold, but he's soldiering through, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I mean, I guess I got a bit of a cold, but it's going to be fine.

And I'm sort of laying it on a little thick right now. He's also going through puberty yeah the thing about winnie cooper was her brother died in vietnam and wait was the voiceover guy doing no he didn't he wasn't going through puberty oh man there's very few voiceover guys that are going through puberty it's a niche market that i would like to see filled just a nature documentary when somebody just keeps cracking the uh the cheetah the female cheetah excretes pheromones uh to let it um oh god uh what if

it's a vagina why is there a v on this it's a vagina right why is there a v in my script uh and that uh voice you hear laughing is our guest today. First time to the podcast proper. Yeah. And also on a live show that has not been released yet. So a new voice to you, the listener. Yeah. Winnipeg Funny Man, member of the sketch troupe Hunks,

that has its own podcast. Sure does. the hunks podcast sure does uh tim gray's our guest thank you for having me thanks for being here it's so such a treat to be here yeah that live episode uh since then i've been like oh man i really tanked that live show that's not my recollection no I think, let's get to know us. Yeah. Yay. Get to know us.

I think, I haven't released any episodes subsequent to that either. There was an Edmonton one no one came to, a Calgary one that a lot of people came to. Yeah, a lot of people came to. In a weird cafeteria. And Saskatoon one no one came to podcasts actually work really well in a cafeteria yeah i mean it's nice to see what people got for dessert you know yeah the cobbler the jello yeah yeah yeah it gives you something to talk about with the audience off the top. So we'll probably release those at some point.

Yeah. I don't know. A little recap is a woman in the audience was knitting. Oh, yeah. Front row knitter. Front row knitting. Oh, was that? That was in Winnipeg.

That was in Winnipeg. Yeah. And she gave me this basketball. This basketball I'm twirling on my finger right now wow sweet georgia brown no this little uh you think i would be pointing to something that was knitted yeah but it's just our phone number because i kept forgetting it oh yeah it's our framed phone number that's very sweet uh and then uh we asked the audience for overheards or uh stories about burton cummings right and everyone was like they're too sad yeah because everybody in winnipeg has a burton cummings

story he's from uh winnipeg and he famously still lives there salisbury house is this great greasy spoon restaurant chain that he i think owns or at the very least keeps a lot of his stuff there he's got some old pool cues leading up against the door like his keys in a behind a glass door what what like do you mean memorabilia or just like... Like a rake. Yeah. I guess it's memorabilia. Yeah.

Christmas decorations. These are Burton Cummings' Christmas decorations. He needs them in December, but... It's a t-shirt that says The Who, and then it's a tour shirt, and it just says underneath close enough. A Burton Cummings lead singer of the Guess Who. Did we say that? Oh, yeah, I know.

Let's hear a little bit of that right now. Okay. Yeah. When I, after our show in Winnipeg, we went to the restaurant bar that's attached to the theater. Yeah. to the restaurant bar that's attached to the theater. Yeah. And I was saying,

and the music kept playing Guess Who songs. Yeah. And I was like, this city is obsessed with the Guess Who. What is wrong? Like, get another gear, Winnipeg. And then you admitted that it was the jukebox and you had put like 10 songs on there. Yeah.

I blew a paycheck on Guess Who songs being played all night in that tavern. But a quick recap of the Burton Cummings stories we heard while in Winnipeg. I forget. Well, I heard... Do you want me to tell you the one that I told? The...

I mean... you go last yeah okay i remember well you were i think when i said burton cummings stories you said you mean other than him drinking half and half on the bus yeah there by the grace of god yeah that's true that's true i'm always one bus ride away from drinking the whole thing uh and the only other one i remember was him uh like spending you know thousands on video lottery terminals right yeah and then uh muttering to himself, thank you, Lenny Kravitz. As he pulled the machine down. Oh, also, there's a theater named after him that he was supposed to pay for through a series of concerts that he only did one of.

Yeah, it's a bit of a bamboozle situation. Because it was the Walker Theater and it's this beautiful 1800 seat theater, historic to Winnipeg. And then they needed to raise some money to do some renovations to restore it and uh his deal was like hey uh how about i do uh like eight concerts for you guys and uh you keep all the proceeds and then you put my name on the theater and winnipeg was like yeah let's do it and then he's like snicker snicker snicker yeah i'm only gonna do two and then i'm gonna go hang at salisbury yeah okay so i feel like i've dominated this with a recap of yes this is good this is good because uh it's part of our history right

part of our shared history sure tim graham what's going on with you man oh man uh well i'm in vancouver here for a little uh just a little fun trip to see some uh see some friends and do some shows um things have been uh pretty hot and heavy with hogs nice all right like things are getting serious yeah pretty serious we're parking a lot heavy petting yeah yeah um another big thing in in in my life like at home is uh we just got a bidet oh yeah how well that's a thing like i you. I spent my whole life thinking I'll never have enough money to have a bidet. Do you own or rent? I rent.

Wait. So what you can do is on Amazon for $40, you can get a thing to modify your toilet and turn it into a bidet. Ah, cool. A toilet mod. Nice. I'm looking to mod my toilet. I'm a real gearhead. Put a spoiler on the back.

Some of those neon lights underneath. It lowers. It's bouncing. This is my gaming toilet. It's got speakers behind it. That would actually be great. It's like one of those d-box yeah it

vibrates it sprays you oh my god what is that it's the bidet oh no so tell me about this 40 bidet so you guys know like if it's when it's a hot summer day that feeling of jumping in a cold lake yeah okay yeah Okay. Yeah. That's like a bidet. It like just refreshes you, gets you up going in the morning. Yeah. It's like a little modification. Like it connects to your toilet. It can fit pretty much any toilet.

We have a really, really old toilet in our apartment. It's a really, really old apartment building. An antique toilet. Antique toilet. And the bolts were like corroded over completely so i had to like take a saw and like saw my toilet seat off oh those bolts okay yeah yeah the seat the seat that would just be if a plumber saw you going towards the toilet with a saw like this guy doesn't know anything. So the thing you bought,

the thing that comes in the mail, is a toilet seat? No, you have to have a toilet seat. Okay, I'm out. I know, I know. It's kind of a deal breaker. I will also be able to get my squats in. Just huge thighs.

Yeah, it like sits underneath your toilet seat and you just bolt it in. It's really easy. And then you connect it to the water line that goes into the toilet tank. And you can get like a modified one that's kind of warmer water. Oh yeah.

A mod mod. Oh, okay. If you wanted to pay a little more money, but this is just like. How, what warms the water? I don't know. So you're getting an ice cold. Ice cold butt splash.

Butt splash. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Saving on toilet paper. You know, I got, my days are just, you know, totally changed.

Now here's, here's the thing is now that you have one at home, does every other toilet just feel like so inferior? Yeah, totally. I start crying. Like anytime that you have to go,

that's not, not home base. Yeah. Yeah. That was the problem. But, uh, I'm thinking about getting like a super soaker.

With like a weird, like, like a silly straw A very silly straw You can angle it Pardon me I need to go to the washroom Would you like to make ten dollars?

Very different commercials i spent 40 to do this forever at home but i'm paying people 10 for go i gotta schedule my time better but yeah that's pretty that's pretty deluxe man yeah i got it as a wedding gift for my for my wife dana who's a very funny comedian you got it for her yeah it was uh i got her two towels that were embroidered to say maverick on both of them because uh we really love the movie top gun but you hate goose we hate goose we're always fighting about who is the maverick and it gets serious tom cruise's maverick right tom cruise's maverick yeah yeah

the ultimate maverick goose is val connor no no he's iceman oh he's iceman todd iceman and anthony edwards is goose oh right yeah That sounds right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds right. Classic film. That's one of those good movies that's just so stupid. Never seen it start to finish. Really? Yeah. We watched it in one of those outdoor movie theater situations and just had a heck of a time. Yeah.

Heck of a time. Have you seen it? Yeah. Yeah. Good? No. I mean, it's not good, but it's like a good bad i say yeah it's like it bothers i didn't see it until like 15 years after it came out and it was already like a huge part of the culture sure and

i uh and nothing happens in it like no there's no enemy but isn't it the the high flying antics of these yeah yeah isn't it they're in school the whole time. Oh, so it's like. It's like a premier flight school. Top gunner. Top gunner. Yeah. Right. But there's not, there's, they don't go into battle.

It's just. No. It's all simulated. Yeah. Huh. Right? Or. I mean, there's no, there's no Russians.

No. No. Oh. I mean, Iceman kind of has that vibe though. Yeah. He's. Someone dies. no no i mean ice man kind of has that vibe though yeah he's someone dies i think the movie's about fighting the enemy that's within you oh yes you know yeah yeah it's weird that i've seen both of the hot shots movies yeah i've never i've got i don't yeah i didn't i haven't seen rambo but i've oh yeah yeah which are the what the what the first ones or the second one's based on yeah

the first one uh the first rambo is very not what rambo then like became like the shirtless two guns after the yeah yeah the first one's like this kind of toned down yeah he only kills like eight people yeah and mostly in pretty like gory kind of getting hit with the butt of something kind of ways. Yeah, yeah. And then I guess they were like, for the rest of this franchise, he's going to be superhuman? Yeah. Yeah. He'll take on an entire army shirtless plus a helicopter.

Yeah. He, like, fist fights a helicopter at the end of it or something. But I guess that's also what happened to the Rocky franchise too. Like it's one that just started as being like a story about one fight. Right. And he somehow becomes this like superhuman. Yeah. He can take on a guy who's like a foot taller than him.

And be a good father. Was he a good father? Was Rocky a good dad? His trainer gets a robot. His trainer does get a robot. Yeah, that was great. What does that robot do with stairs?

I mean, it was bungalow town, I think. Yeah. Yeah, and it's, you know, I don't know that they ever showed it up in his bedroom. Yeah, maybe it was like, you stay down here, I'm upstairs. I don't want my

wife fucking this robot so i'm not getting one tempting that's how we'll keep that's how we'll keep the robot revolution at bay this is stairs we we have a that's another thing that we we got recently was one of those robot vacuums that goes around the apartment and vacuums and every day it's supposed to turn on at like 9 30 or 10 o'clock and uh we've tied we've called it murphy and and this is what makes me not worried about any kind of robot revolution is every day this thing just gets caught in something immediately it shuts down like whether or not we like we come home and the bathroom door is closed and all the toilet paper is unraveled caught up inside of it do you have any pets no i feel like this is like having a pet like yeah i would would do that. Yeah. This is good. This is good. Pet practice. No pet revolution.

Man, if there was a pet revolution, they would, they would, they'd have the inside track. Oh, for sure. They're already,

they're already in our places. Yeah. They have a secret life. Two actually, I think this summer. This summer? I think there's sequels coming out this year i went and saw a movie with my family at christmas and uh that trailer came on my mom couldn't stop laughing she thought yeah she thought it was the funniest goddamn thing

oh yeah pets jumping to the song jump around get out of here how are you gonna do better than that? Hollywood, you've done it again. Thanks, my buddy. So you've got yourself a bidet. You've got yourself a Roomba. Yes. Whoa.

Sorry. Are there other? Because maybe I got my wife a bracelet for a wedding present. Were there others other than his and her Maverick and the bidet? Were there other wedding presents? Other wedding presents? I mean, I'm not saying there have to be. I just didn't know if you were Finnish.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots. So many. Basketball. Oh, boy. He's gone back to that well. Two tickets to paradise.

That was a rocket in my pocket. Uh, no, I don't know. I think, uh, yeah, I got to that and wrote her a letter and, uh, see, uh, um, and, uh, yeah, I think that was it yeah i think that was it i think that was it so uh is that part of the custom of getting married is there's also a present has to be involved i thought the ring was over and then the celebration yeah and i'm losing your virginity losing your virginity i mean that's partially a gift and partially a task yeah oh boy yeah put on your

your camelback water bottle and just here we go for however long oh it's over losing both of our virginities I hate to tell you honey

but I lost mine to this woman at the circus so you there's a gift that goes on top of all did she get you anything? no she didn't same

I felt like I needed to because I her 30th birthday I kind of I felt like I needed to because I, her, her 30th birthday, I kind of pooped the bed a little bit. I didn't get her. I didn't go proper gift giving on that one. Oh,

yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I was just kind of making up a little bit for lost time there. And, and our wedding was a little bit, a little bit weird. Cause we got married on the CBC radio program, The Debaters.

Yeah. We debated whether or not we should get married and then got married. On stage. On stage. Who married you? Lara Rae. Oh, right. Artistic director for the Winnipeg Comedy Festival.

Yeah. So, and that was like a legally, like that was a real sign the papers yeah that's so funny we got the rings like i got this 30 ring from amazon everything's just this is why like our economy is gonna tank because i only spend two dollars on things from amazon um your bidet is worth more than your wedding ring oh my god yeah which one are you gonna get more enjoyment out of right that's right i click i can't clean my bum with this thing but i've tried sorry um is it really from amazon it is yeah it's uh it's yellow it's tungsten carbide so it's not actual gold or silver um what is tungsten carbide tungsten carbide i'd love to tell you about it

okay i'm glad you asked i have these brochures is it like wolfram alpha tungsten carbide is one of the strongest and cheapest uh metals out there it's like what they put on the end of drill bits when they're going into the ground and like give me that oil you know give it to me i can't stop there will be oil uh why didn't they call it there will be oil i don't know it'll be oil early there wasn't that much blood i mean yeah it was based on a book called oil oh yeah yeah and then they were like no blood yeah people are not gonna pay big bucks to see a movie called there will be there will be tungsten carbide it's a romance movie about buying my wedding ring.

But on the day of, uh, of the debate wedding, we, um, I told the photographer that it was tungsten carbide and he's like, oh, that's not good.

Cause, uh, if your hand swells up, they're gonna have to cut off your finger because gold or silver will bend and break, but this won't. So if my hand swells up or if it gets caught in some sort of machinery it'll just well don't wear it around machinery yeah i won't i promise i promise yeah yeah just the vacuum um constantly try to grab it but like and people shouldn't tell you bad things on your

wedding on the wedding day yeah that's what i thought yeah it's pretty especially about a thing that you're like what am i supposed to do like yeah it's like don't don't let your hand swell up well thanks dad so you are you allergic to bee stings or anything any finger stuff no you're allergic to fingers let's find out um so you got married as part of so this was for people who haven't heard the debaters let's find out. Um, so you got married as part of, so this was for people who haven't heard the debaters, two comedians,

uh, debate either side of a topic. And then, the audience votes on who won. So I'm assuming I haven't heard this. Uh, I don't, we don't, I don't have a radio.

Um, and so my, uh, I, I don't have a radio. And so, but I assume the final thing was you asked the audience, should we get married? Did you have a backup plan if the audience had said no? No, not really. I guess there was like, were you... Other than just like utter defeat. Yeah, just like walking off. Yeah.

Well, I was wearing a tuxedo and she was wearing overalls and you i was four you were four she was against and who came out first uh i came out for no she came out first in the overalls and then i came on the tuxedo and the audience was like oh my god they were just going nuts uh and it was like in the in the media like pumping it up like oh potential wedding come on they should they should announce more weddings that way because you don't know until the day that's right you don't know royal potential wedding. Will they, won't they? There aren't enough will they, won't they weddings. Potential mass Korean wedding.

I should go like halfway down the aisle and then step back a little bit. Wouldn't it be amazing to be like a guest at a wedding that's like in a romantic comedy where somebody comes in and disrupts?

Oh, yeah. No, don't marry him. Yeah. Yeah. And then everybody in the crowd like agrees like, yeah, this new guy who showed up. Yeah. I did my best to make our wedding like that. You hired someone.

Well, I was to say it was supposed to be. I take the Emily. I said, I take the Rachel. Oh no. Oh no. Meanwhile, Monica and Chandler are stooping. The one where they stoop. Stoop there it is. Um, yeah, the, uh, but like, has that, has that ever happened in real life? stoop there it is um yeah the uh

but like has that ever happened in real life probably not probably but it's probably been a lot more awkward you know what I think it probably has because people go crazy about weddings and people like people go crazy about

engagements yeah and there's so many like fast and loose wedding and engagements too of like, oh, we've been together for three months. It's true. Let's do it. And then the, you know, three months later, they're like, oops. Yeah. How, how, uh, are your parents married? Yes.

How long were they together before they got married? Six months. Yeah. Same with mine. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Really? I think they maybe knew each other before they got married? Six months. Yeah, same with mine. Yeah, eh? Whoa. Yeah. Really?

I think they maybe knew each other before they dated, though. Right. Yeah. I don't know. It was all a little bit. It was all black and white times. Yeah. It's true.

They met each other at the Nickelodeon. Yeah. Any time they try to show me the movie of their life, I'm bored. How about your parents? Like more than six months, but still not like years and years. Yeah, like how long did you date before you got married? Seven years. Yeah, I think we were 12.

Yeah. 12 years old. I think we met when we were 19, we got married at 30, so 11. Yeah. Yeah. That's old. I think we met when we were 19. We got married at 30. So 11. Yeah. Yeah. That's the style of the time.

I mean, like it's such a jump though. Yeah. From like six months to 11 years in one generation. But I also know people who've gotten married and like met the person then under a year they got married. They're not still together, but for sure.

For sure. But you know, sure. Yeah. It still happens. Yeah yeah still happens yeah still counts for sure it counts as a marriage um i know somebody from years and years ago who was like stood up at the altar oh yeah yeah at the altar at the altar yeah Ugh. That's funny. Control, alter, delete. Was that the name of it? That was the name of the movie. Were they computer programmers? Yes, they were both computer programmers.

She was a bit controlling. And he was the leader. He was a hacker. He was a hacker. He was a hacker. Can I make it any more obvious? He was a hacker. He was a hacker. He was a hacker. Jesus. Can I make it any more obvious? Oh, man.

What a story that would be, though, I mean, I guess. It's a pretty wild, like, because you know the day before, I think, that you're not going to do it. Not going to do it so you're not gonna do it it was actually the guy was gonna get married to dana carvey but he didn't because it wouldn't be prudent at this juncture um yeah but like if you call it sorry i shouldn't if you are gonna get if you're gonna leave someone at the altar or someone if you're waiting at the altar yeah like did he was he at the altar oh uh that's a good because if you know the day before you really should let them know yeah it was it was the day up so was it the groom or the bride that i know the group yeah yeah and so yeah wow how long would you wait he was a bride she was a groom can i make it any more obvious uh because like waiting at the altar it's like we got like you know if the bride is one

minute late everyone kind of chuckles and like the bride or the groom gives a little, oh, I hope not, looks at his watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah,

get out of here. It's hilarious. By the time, yeah, he's doing it for the 27th time at the half hour mark. Well, she's still not here.

What a bitch. You know how women are. Bitches. Yeah, her and the priest high five. Or not her, I guess him. Yeah yeah he was the one guy who stood up in in this scenario uh but yeah i guess uh you would know if the group because the groom has to go out there first he's the opening act and then the bride right so the yeah is the big showroom is the guy left holding the.

So you would know very much in advance that the groom was, had bailed. Yeah. The runaway grooms. There must be. There must. Yeah. Yeah.

Of course. You think more often than a runaway bride? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like the, the reason runaway bride is a concept for a movie is it's so novel right uh i guess i just grew up in the era of friends and i just assumed that hey man yeah one out of two marriages is gonna end in

that this is all i know this is all i know coffee is good and and friends hurt. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I learned a lot from that show. Um, uh,

so how long have you been married now? Uh, we're divorced. Yeah. Um, it lasted a few months. Um, we got married on April 15th.

So, uh, not quite a year. And then we had a second wedding in August. That was like so which one are you gonna count as i think april april is when we signed the papers yeah so yeah so what do you do first anniversary what's you know i don't know like what do you do dave like we have we have our like i think you're supposed to if you have any of the cake left over you're supposed to eat oh god no no we didn't even get it cake

oh my god oh my god the cake's still there we go to dinner yeah maybe you know go somewhere that a kid could be a kid for us no Chuck E Cheese is that a kid could be a kid. Or us. No, Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid could be a kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody loves Marineland. Yeah, sure. These are sure fire bets. Yeah, I don't know. We're thinking about having a third wedding, actually. Like a winter wedding, just to throw everything off. Renew your vows at a year.

That's pretty cheeky. I know I've been unfaithful. Like, does anyone renew their vows for good reasons? Oh, yeah. Interesting. Well, my grandma says, if you fall out of love, you can always fall back into love. Oh, that's like something from a romantic comedy. Your grandma says that?

She says that a lot. And we're worried. Yeah. That's all she says. Is she out of love? What do you want for dinner, grandma? Well, love. No!

But yeah, I could see Sally Field saying that in a movie. For sure. To her daughter. Yeah. You can fall out of love. Yeah, if you were in love, but you fall out of love, you can always fall back into love. Yeah, it's like if you get out of a well, you can still fall back into the house. Take it from a guy named Tim.

I've been in a lot of wells. Constantly trying to get dogs to find help. Oh, Timmy. Timmy. Timmy. Timmy. Stuck in a well. Timmy.

There's a well-bound motherfucker over here. I got big wells ahead of me. I'm going to follow wells all over the world how far will wells go wells far go whoa whoa whoa

oh it's already a company can I have some what is you know the guy who's the state farm guy it's like uh he's an actor it's not jk simmons he's no farmers farmers uh there's is an actor and he was like mostly played cops and i watched

is he like it's not a good neighbor yeah he's like a good neighbor he's got a really deep voice is he a good fella no is it dennis hazebert uh i don't know is he a black guy yeah he's a black guy and he's like 24 was he the president maybe was he in major league oh i don't know i don't know major league that well i just know that you'd make an extra excellent cop, Dave. So, he does grill on the questions. I am not holding up on cross-examination. I guess that's in court

is cross-examination. Let's see. Well, if you're mad and you're examining... Yeah, that's true. Right? Cross-examination. I'm not happy with what you did let's examine it um yeah anyways i saw him in like in a movie from the past and i couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he was

this oh state farm farm guy yeah it was the movie major league that's him yeah yeah That's him. Yeah. Yeah. That's him, officer. yeah, yeah, yeah. Dave showed me a lineup. He did it. State Farm Insurance. Like a good neighbor, State Farm

is there. Sorry, my voice is the pubescent. No, I apologize. That was beautiful.

Pubescent jingle master. That jingle has verses and a chorus like it's Sorry, my voice is... No, I apologize. That was beautiful. Pubescent Jingle Master. That jingle has verses and a chorus. It was a song? Well, it was written by Barry Manilow as a jingle, but he also wrote the Band-Aids. I'm Stuck on Band-Aids. Oh, yeah.

Classic. But Weezer did a cover of it a few years ago. Really? And it's legitimately one of the best songs they've done in this century. Now, does that mean the song is good or they've had a rough century? They've had a rough century. Because didn't they just put out an all covers album? Yeah.

And people were real mixed on it. Really? Some people were like, yay yay this is a lot of fun and i think then people who are fans of weezer were like i i don't i don't want to give too much brain power to this band anymore you're done you're walking away i've i've wasted so many years of my life hoping they would come to the altar. Yeah. Weezer. Oh, man.

This covers album. I listened. It was not for me. And that's fine. Yeah. It's for someone else. Sure. But, yeah, it was one of those like surprise releases.

It just like came out. Sounds like my wedding night. Bye-bye, virginity. Like it's so, like for all the effort you put into losing your virginity it goes by so fast it's done you have all these like charts with like strings going between them how am i gonna lose this virginity okay if stifler's over here he should be having a party this year. His mother is a very milfy milf. What a milf. So the other night I was working on something and I just wanted to put a movie on in the background. So I put on American Pie and then it just auto-played the second one.

Like it's a TV show. Like you're binging a series. So I was like, I guess I'm in for a penny, in for a pound. So then I watched American Wedding and American Reunion. Whoa. So they should just make one of those movies every two years just so I can catch up on Jim and the Gang. May as well. Isn't there like an offshoot Bandcamp movie as well? Yeah, there's Bandcamp and Naked Mile.

And then somehow they cross over into the Van Wilder universe. And then Rambo. How do we make the American Pie universe sync up with the Marvel universe? You just need one crossover character. We'll put Thanos in the next. They've got the one lady from How I Met Your Mother, and they've got the one lady from How I Met Your Mother. Thanos is dating Stifler's mom.

Yes, there you go. Half the cast is dead. Spoiler alert, you haven't seen American Pie. American Die. Dave, what's going on with you? I was looking, because last time I talked about the trip I went on to Ontario. And I was like. Got the hiccups so bad.

I got the hiccups so bad. Did I talk about that when I thought I was trying to when I thought you could buy tampons and napkins in the same machine did I talk about that no oh

you mean because sanitary napkins yeah I'm sure I talked about it no I don't think so because you talked about having to get a plunger

yeah and getting the hiccups so bad from hot wings. Oh my gosh. These were, this is what I recall. Are you plunging your hiccups? It's not at all one thing. Um,

I, uh, was, I'm sure I told this, so I apologize to people. Uh, and you know what? If,

uh, if it turns out I did, I'll just cut this part out, but I, we were backstage and it was a unisex bathroom at one of these places. And they had a machine for women. Yeah. And it had 25 cents for a tampon.

Yeah. And it also had 25 cents for a napkin. And I was like, oh, it's weird that they would charge you for a napkin. Yeah. Just like for like, yeah, it's luxury tax. If you're eating you know messy food yeah and then pat kelly was like he was really sniffling like do you know if there's any kleenex backstage and i was like you know what they have i've never seen this before

but they have a machine that you can get for 25 cents you can get a tampon or a napkin and he just said oh dave and i did not know i did not know that i would like you're like a tv dad as his face changed i got it um but uh so i thought i i thought i had exhausted all my tour topics but apparently i had oh um but uh so today i was going to talk about how uh um so i was i go to a few hockey games every year and uh i take pictures uh you know to support the team through hashtags yeah and that's how we win games yeah yeah yeah they feel it yeah they track after the game they all yeah and that's how we that's how we win games yeah yeah they feel it yeah they track after the game they all scroll and the coach is like team you trended like you trended so hard tonight let's get out there and trend and they're fucking trends off and like

after i posted a picture one of my friends who i don't see very often, but then again, I don't see anyone very often, but he doesn't live in Vancouver. He was like, hey, Dave, you're a big Canucks fan, right? And I was like, yeah, of course. And he said, well, like how rabid are you? And I was like, yeah, I'm pretty rabid. I go to a bunch of games every year and I eat a lot of carrots. I think about that.

I'm not rabid. Explain that to your tail right that's you do the you're eating a foot of hot dog yeah yes i do try to eat up to the hot dog every 10 feet a year you should get a trophy for that by the way it should be only you in that category yeah every year you get the award. Most hot dog. Not plural, just most hot dog. And it's like a bronze 10-foot hot dog. Is it too late to go back to this?

If I was growing a tail, I would go see the doctor and I would ask him what's up. Is it too late to do that? No, no, no. No, no, no. Never. So my friend was texting me and he and he was like well you know uh me and a few other he named a few other friends of ours we're we have this like canucks team like text chain oh where we you know we share jokes and like talk we have fun and we

talk about the canucks do you want to be added to it? And I was like, yeah, that sounds awesome. And I guess he, like, I don't know how often they got this thing going. But that was like three weeks ago. And I was like, so did you forget to add me to this text chain? Like I texted him today. Yeah. Were you ever going to add me to this text chain? He said said I asked

and you were rejected oh what oh no oh and these are people who know me

oh what do they not think you're a big enough knucks man yeah I don't know if it's they think I would be

annoying they maybe think it's fine the way it is maybe my friend Luke uh does not have any clout in this I don't know if they think I would be annoying. They maybe think it's fine the way it is. Maybe my friend Luke does not have any clout in this. Oh, yeah, maybe. Text change, a little pushover. Yeah, I don't.

I think, you know. I was thinking Dave. We could add Dave to this. Pass. Hard no. Please screenshot this. Send it to them Yeah There's

I mean That's rude Yeah Yeah But you know what Any They're lost Yeah

Any text chain that would I'm not a part of Are you part of any text chains No Here's something That I just found out At Christmas My family

Has a WhatsApp WhatsApp group That I'm not a part of. My mom said like, oh, Patrick sent that to me through the WhatsApp group. And I was like, excuse me? The what?

The Clark family? The Graham Clark Memorial WhatsApp group. The Secret Life of Pets 2. What's that group? Brought to you by... They're texting each other at the movie.

Did you see that trailer with the dogs jumping? Are you... Well, they all live in the same city, so maybe that is more handy. Are you coming to dinner on sure right sure yeah um i mean that's a good way to yeah i'm spinning you thank you thank you for this is the yes spin yeah are you in a text chain i'm in a when uh well i'm in a uh sort of a text chain and it's uh predominantly about the winnipeg jets uh but it's about a hockey pool fantasy league my first time

doing that and uh so yeah it's a lot of fun yeah it's get overwhelming at time where it's like you look at it oh 50 new messages in the last hour and it's all just like chirping off each other but uh but it's you know what guys it's a lot of fun it's great to be included it's nice to have friends yeah sounds nice. I'll include you guys in that one if you want. Yes, yes, we'll take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just ask first.

That's a hard no. I don't know. I accept. We can sort of chain. No. Hard no. It's a hard no from Dave

I feel like if Graham and I if we had a show if we had like a three person show yeah then we would have a text

oh for sure that's true right now it's just text it's just you and I and we text three times a week yeah hey how's Thursday

at 530 work great yeah and then you know what i was thinking tim gray hard pass snuck him in anyway yeah i grew a mustache and snuck in yeah the uh i'm fine with it i don't i don't enjoy texting all that much yeah i'm fine with it. I don't, I don't enjoy texting all that much. Yeah. So I'm fine with, uh, I've left more of texts that I do. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like my, look, the only way I can spin this positively. Here we go. Is that I don't like, I don't follow any newspaper coverage about the team. I don't listen to,

to, you know, sports talk radio. Right. I just watch the games and see, I follow the team. I'll follow eight players on Instagram. So,

you know, you know what they're going to get their honeys for Valentine's day. I know the shopping sprees they went on in New York. What they drive, their kids. Fun. Yeah what's up with you graham um well speaking of uh sports things the super bowl was this past weekend not for our listeners but i mean if you taped it it was yeah that's right that's right and uh this is a thing i didn't know i've i guess i've never watched where they actually hand out the trophy uh-huh

um did you watch that part no it's uh oh i heard it was awful i didn't see it yet but well this this is like i've never seen because uh i'm used to the kind of like the stanley cup where they bring out the cup and the kind of like team gathers around and then each one kind of skates around with it over their head yeah the way that they presented and i don't know if this is the standard is they had a an old football player walk through where the team was standing and the team all like one at a time like gently kissed the trophy and it was very gross oh boy so weird it was very gross it was very weird

to watch it was sponsored by Abreva is that a cold sore medicine yeah alright you wouldn't want to be the last one in the line there but they all like it was and they didn't do like a cartoonish smooch that didn't do like a cartoonish smooch that you would

do to a trophy where like yeah they did this like gentle everybody did this like gentle soft kiss

soft kiss on the trophy like whispered it a little secret it was it was it was nasty what I love

about the Stanley Cup in hockey is they fill it with consomme and everyone makes a big soup. Or sometimes they do a fondue. Everybody puts meat in it. No, but they really do. Well, they fill it with champagne and everyone drinks out of it.

And then every player gets it for a day. Right. And it's not like you have to pick it up. The clock is ticking. They deliver it. You get to plan out your day with it. Right. I'm going back to my hometown.

I want it on August 21st. I'm going to do a little mini parade in my Miata. Yeah. This sounds like a very specific person who did this. My 1998 Miata. It was the year, it was when MacGruber won the Stanley Cup. MacGruber won the Stanley Cup. MacGruber!

The, uh, yeah, well, I don't, I don't know what the thing is with the, I don't even know what the name of the trophy is. The Vince Lombardi trophy. Yeah, there you go. Anyways, everybody tenderly puts their lips on it. There's a lot of like, uh, I saw something where someone won something recently and the trophy broke like the trophies break all the time i love it yeah everyone tries to like yeah it's a good thing they were gentle with it yeah because some people just like lift it up by the wrong part and it breaks in half clunk clunk yeah yeah it's funny because like uh the the nfl has like they

put so much money into every production aspect of that. Super Bowl is supposed to be the top sporting event of the year. It's like the Victoria's Secret fashion show of sports. It's like the Weezer. Yeah. The good album, but for sports. Yeah, so that was weird. And I didn't watch very much of the game i just ended up watching like the last five minutes

and then this weird trophy presentation yeah in the future i guess i'll just watch the trophy presentation see who gets it on the most with the trophy who tries to round second yeah undo the most with the trophy? Who tries to round second with the trophy? Who does that undo the bra of the trophy? Does anyone put a little outfit on the trophy?

With a little trench coat on? I know you're not wearing anything underneath that. That's how you keep the... For somebody like Tom Brady, who's won it so many times, you have to keep it safe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa. Save me a spot on your dance card.

You say you're leaving on the 7th of the day, training in the dry, heading out to Hollywood. But I know you ain't wearing nothing underneath that overcoat. It is just for show. Shouldn't have put a mic on Tom Brady. Mm-hmm. I shouldn't have put a mic on Tom Brady. And what else happened this week? I went to a little bar that's like a themed bar here in Vancouver called the Dark Manor Inn.

Oh, is it a spooky thing? It's a spooky thing. Where is it? Did you get scared? It's on Fraser Street. And yes, I got super thing. Where is it? Did you get scared? It's on Fraser Street. And yes, I got super scared. Where on Fraser? Fraser and 26th. Ah.

Yeah. By Prado. Yeah, yeah. It's close to Escobar. I don't know that. I haven't lived on Fraser for months. Oh, well, you simply must. simply must on the grow move yeah it's on the and the this right like it's a bar that all the windows are like covered so you go in and it's like 100 you're in the theme you can't see the outside world

cool it's like a spooky victorian you know yeah uh but like also very like there's like skull skull things everywhere yeah and then every once in a while thing you keep my brain safe you make everything moaning and then once like once in a while all the lights in the

start flickering and you can hear moaning and then there's like fog starts coming up it's so much fun do they have like a spooky menu wow yep spooky menu everything has like a little story on it like this this one comes with a vial of poison that killed the owner and this one and it's dry ice lots of dry ice situations nice uh anyways

just some some real like if you're having a birthday in Vancouver that's fun yeah should this be added to the stop podcasting yourself Vancouver tour what's on that right now well

Kingsgate Kingsgate mall is absolutely that's like one through four yeah yeah it's Kingsgate mall

yeah keep going back there yeah Tinseltown mall you gotta go to Tinseltown Mall you gotta go to Tinseltown Mall yeah gotta go you gotta see that

Vinseltown or Vince Vaughn themed mall what's in that I forget what store is this the wedding store oh boy yeah

you gotta crash that the door store uh huh True Detective Season 2 store uh huh Adult Dodgeball equipment Gotta crash that. The door store. True Detective Season 2 store. Adult dodgeball. Equipment.

Yeah, it's, anyways, I just love, I love a bar with a theme. What's it called again? It's called Dark Manor Inn. Nice. And it's like. TMI. But like, why can't every bar just have a theme? It's not that hard.

Yeah. You know, every bar should have a theme. The only other bar I've been to that has like purposely blacked out windows was the Tiki bar. Oh yeah. Yeah. I have yet to go. Yeah.

And it was fun. It's fun, right? It was fun. It was during, like I went specifically cause I wanted to go to this thing and I went at like five 30 at night. Yeah. Yeah.

No one was there. And, uh, and, uh, it was, um, during a snowstorm,

like it was me and my friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the whole place to yourself. Yeah. But it was good. And it was,

uh, dance. Yes. I just want to do something crazy but they the drinks were very strong and they

they like specifically said we don't we won't serve people more than three drinks really oh wow

which is you never hear in a bar yeah that's responsible I like the idea of like you're gonna open a bar and you go for your

bar license and they're like, and your theme. Yeah. Yeah. You have to have a story. Yeah. I guess Irish is a theme sort of.

I guess it's loose. It's loose. Yeah. Yeah. And it's been done. But like, if you're going to open a nightclub, it has to be like,

right. Jungle. Yeah. Or you work here. Employment. It's the bar where you are the bartender and the employees

are the patrons it's like Subway but for booze that's actually sounds really actually yeah that sounds if you could go

like if a guy that's a great idea just a bar called the deli counter yeah and you go and like what do you want

here make your own cocktail except the the problem is like unlike subway it'll be awful you would have to charge for everything like sure yeah yeah true yeah except you know fruits and veggies shredded lettuce and some mayonnaise in that I got a I went to Subway the other day and I don't know if the guy was nagging me but you know I was with a sandwich artist

we were working on a sandwich together and then he rang me and he held up my sandwich and said pretty light sandwich you weren't involved in the making of this sandwich? I mean, okay. I haven't been to Subway in years, but it's a very personal thing between you and the sandwich.

And did you know that with famous artists, they have, and I don't know if this is i think this is still the case but they have like a workshop of apprentices who work with them right and like if you wanted a uh whatever uh name an artist for me warhol well that's he had a real uh factory yeah yeah yeah but like uh like like Rembrandt, sure. And if you're like some patron and you said, I want, they would have like the base model,

the full model. Oh, right. And like, I want the base model. And they'd be like, okay, you want Rembrandt to paint something? Sure. And his apprentice paints it all. And then Rembrandt does like the face and hands.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah i want to be that with but a sandwich artist oh dave's gonna come in and he's gonna he's gonna do the salt and pepper yeah he's gonna do the final squelch of sauce and also that the combination salt and pepper thing yeah is that saving anyone any time is anyone satisfied with the they always go overboard with it too, I find. They're just like, you want some salt and pepper? Sure, a little bit. A little pile.

Yeah. They don't seem to know how much of any of the sauces that you require. No, no. Well, they're artists. They're not robots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're not conventional like you and me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're so flighty. Yeah. And they're artists they're not robots yeah yeah and they're not conventional like you and me

yeah yeah yeah they're so flighty yeah and they're bohemian yeah for sure for sure loose loose rules loose morals yeah loose collars on their t-shirts those loose gloves they wear yeah one size fits all like from the smallest hands up to like andre the china why do you think your sandwich was so light oh this is just had vegetables in it i guess i didn't have it didn't have a meatball in it so what about like uh uh condiments those are heavy yeah i got some but you know this guy was really like you know in, in his defense, he, he's, he's picking up hundreds of sandwiches a day. Sure. Sure.

Sure. Well, if anything, he should appreciate this is going easy on his joints. He was lifting, he was lifting purely with his back. He didn't bend his legs. With your legs,

man. Should we move on to a bit of business no yes yes this week we do hey graham hey dave it's me square face oh yeah and we have a job on this yeah we have a jumbotron this week okay this week's jumbotron is from Dick Tracy. Oh, yeah. To the evil square face. Saying, I'm going to get you. I'm a Dick Tracy over here.

This week, we have a Jumbotron and it is for Megan. It is from Jacob. And it says, Happy birthday to my beautiful and talented Min for Megan. It is from Jacob and it says, Happy birthday to my beautiful and talented Minxie. Oh, I thought this was for Megan. I love you! As a gift, I am

asking Dave and Graham to sing a medley of Smashing Pumpkin songs. Hopefully this will make up for when you were in high school and met Billy Corgan after a show and he limply shook your hand and said, Careful, that's my guitar playing hand. Well, off I go. Did you know Billy Corgan only played guitar with one hand?

What a cool guy. Okay, what are we going to do? Today is the greatest day of ever. Oh, are we doing the same song? It's a medley. Yeah, okay. The world needs a vampire. Send to dry...

Tonight. Tonight. Somewhere. It's you that I adore. You will always be my whore. Is that a real one? Yeah. Yeah, so it was the album after next week's guest.

And then if I ever know who I am. Yeah. Just I'm here with a smile. And and then wasn't there's 1979 oh yeah yeah there it is there we go happy birthday minksy also it's me square face here and square space is our sponsor this week and uh square a face you're you're a criminal mastermind and i'm the lead singer of smashing pumpkin i didn't realize that square face was also a singer a guy who has a famously square shamed head um now if you need a website for your criminal dealing. Yeah, or my band Smashing Pumpkins. Sure. You should go to

Squarespace. Oh. And here's things you can do with Squarespace. You can create a beautiful website to showcase your work,

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does this by giving you beautiful, customizable templates, powerful e-commerce functionality, everything optimized for mobile right out of the box. I didn't know it came in a box, but you know a lot about this, your head being square and all. Yeah, I'm only a box.

Boxes, I wear boxes as hats and wigs. Hey, I got a question about Squarespace. Yeah, I'm a box. Yeah. Boxes, I wear boxes, hats, and wigs. Hey, I got a question about Squarespace. Yeah. Can they help you organize your time so that you don't have

to make someone sit through an ad that they don't need to sit through? Oh. Hmm. Like a thing you could have done after

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Enter code SPY. Sorry. Unless you binge watch TV at least 80 hours a week, Inside Pop is definitely not for you. Sean, that's a little extreme and also not quite true. Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer. Oh, much better. In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave. Past interviews include the showrunner of Ava DuVernay's

Queen Sugar and Mudbound director Dee Rees. You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Sell segment. Plus the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do binge 80 hours of TV a week. Eyeballs. So tired.

Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network. There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS Biopic. Avast! It's actually pronounced Biopic. No, you dingus! It's biopic!

Who the hell says that? It's biopic! It's the words through biography and picture! All right, that is enough! Ahoy! I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast, formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this. How? By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other

with trivia and improv games, of course. Winner takes home the right to be right. What podcast be this? It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree! Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. The segment in which we hear things out there in the world. And boy, oh boy, do we like chatting about them.

We always like to start with the guests. Tim? Yay. What do you got? Okay, so I've got a few things. One, so I was a little bit concerned about this. Like, oh no, what if I don't have a good overheard? Or, oh, I never overhear things. Oh, what am I doing with my life?

Who am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Concerns. Concerns. Yeah. So I landed in Vancouver today. Love it. What time did you land?

I landed at about 1.20. And you're here at 5.30. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Big travel day. Yeah. Flying. Yeah. Big travel day. Yeah. Flying and walking.

So I was on, I was downtown Vancouver and I was just kind of hanging out, walking around. And I overheard this lady as she was passing by. She said, I didn't want them to lull me into a false state of chill. I feel so Vancouver. Lull me into a false sense of chill-osity. So speaking of bars, I was at... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can I do a couple? Yeah, but we got to do a couple or yeah but we gotta we gotta do chill chill chill because it's normally a false sense of security yeah yeah and that means you're not really secure yeah yeah yeah pull the rug out from yeah so how can you falsely be chill you know uh iry vibes uh you know um no no bad vibes yeah no bad vibes vibes lots of vibes uh you know and like no shirt no shoes no problem oh yeah yeah oh sure yeah yeah all of a sudden you're like i'm chilling out and then they're like taxes yeah yeah you're listening to jimmy buffett and then you're like oh uh, every person who likes

this kind of music killed the planet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This paradise you love

so much in music. Uh-huh. Oh, what's in these cheeseburgers? In paradise. Okay, I'm satisfied. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well,

well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, okay I'm satisfied yeah yeah yeah yeah well if you want to how many more how many more um I could do uh I have a bunch but I could do two more you can do

it's not a two more there and yes you can do as many more as you want this is what we play for uh

so I was in a bar does Winnipeg Jets have a team hashtag is it this is what we play for? Hashtag Go Jets Go. Oh, okay.

Hashtag this is what we play for. Hashtag we are all Canucks. That's the Canucks one? Yeah. That's better than Go Jets Go probably. You know. But it seems to be working pretty well for the Jets. Yeah, that's true.

That's true. They've got so many tall players. So many tall players. Tyler Myers is like 6'8 or 6'7. 6'7? He's so tall. And he's so like, he can move. Dustin Bufflin's like 6'5.

Yeah. Linus 6'5. Linus 6'5. Ever since they introduced dunks into hockey, it's like everybody. Shifley 6'5? Wheeler is 6'5. Oh, okay. Shifley is a little bit under that.

All right. Yeah. Tall. Bufflin's so heavy too. Tall boys. Bufflin's the best. He's like just a oh, well, come on.

He sounds like a cartoon character. Yeah, he is. Bufflin the Mufflin Man. Bufflin the Mufflin Man. So you were in a bar. I was in a bar. See,

this is the kind of stuff I would comment on player. Yeah. I don't, I think this is great. This is all good. This is good stuff. I don't want listeners writing me and being like, Dave,

you can be part of my text chain. I just, just so you know, listener, I'm, I'm not that desperate. Dave's like secretly trying to google who will add me to the tech chain i would go on a text chain although i haven't watched this season about 90 day fiance

if there if there was something like that yeah yeah yeah would you be in a slack group yeah yeah yeah i think i would be yeah okay so we could share documents yeah sure here's the spreadsheet that i was talking about. What about like a WhatsApp group that has like, let's say, your family in it? Not interested. Hard pass. Yeah. Do you have cousins and like uncles and aunts you could join to make your immediate family jealous?

Yeah, I think I could, yeah, get a real... Cousins and uncles. What are the Hatfields and McCoys? Yeah. Were they related? No. Okay. You know, famous warring.

Uh-huh. Feuding. Feuding. Capulets and the other one? Montagues. Yeah. So I was at a bar in Winnipeg at Wee Johnny's where we do comedy shows. Uh-huh.

And I was there late closing the bar down. Was this the... Have we... Is this the Jets is this the jets one no no no this is still your second one this is still my second one yeah um and uh there was there's me and then there was two other people in the bar and they were you know pretty uh into the sauce and uh one of them was about to go on their honeymoon. And then they said to the other one,

uh, yeah, I'm going to my, I don't know where you're going. Oh, I'm going to Europe. And the other guy was like, California. Nice.

Completely serious. Oh yeah. It is nice. Man. Oh man. I can't believe the Dave did Brexit. Man, oh man, I can't believe that they did Brexit. Let's go Brexit now.

Did you go on a honeymoon? Yes. Where to? We went to Europe. California. Nice. Tasty waves. Tasty waves, wine, and weed. Yeah, man. The Napaaves. Yeah. Tasty Waves, Wine and Weed. Yeah, man.

The Napa Valley. Tech. Champagne. Oh, boy. Tahoe. Dave, do you have one over here? I thought you had one more. Oh, yeah.

I have one more. Or do you want to go around and you're going to close it out? Sure. Close it out with one from my wife. Okay. Uh, mine is from my, uh,

trip to Ontario, uh, getting on the plane. I, so I, uh, we had a show on Wednesday and I had to work on the Tuesday. So I took the red eye.

Oh yeah. Uh, and I was like, okay, I'll take a melatonin. It's the, this is took the red eye. Oh, yeah. And I was like, okay, I'll take melatonin. It's as hardcore as I go. Yeah, good song. By whom?

Somebody. Yeah, it's a good one, trust me. All right. Is it an okay computer B-side? No, it's a... It's like a three-name band. Oh, Three Doors Down. Yeah, Three Dog Night. Three Deep. it's like a three name band oh three doors down yeah yeah three dog night uh three deep the soap opera uh so i i'm getting on the plane it's supposed to leave at 10 55 it's delayed an hour and a half uh and so it's it's after midnight. I have a window seat. I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna sleep.

I've, I've had very little luck sleeping on planes, but last time I took a red eye, it was this very same flight to Ottawa and, uh, I, or to Toronto and I, uh, slept great that time. And this time I'm sorry, settle in. Everyone's very quiet because it's nighttime. They know you're tired of course yes dave's cranky uh they they know that this is what you do yeah that's how red eyes work yeah yeah um except for these 65 year old women uh not right next to there was a

guy sitting next to me the 65 year old woman on the aisle and her friend on the other side of the aisle. Oh no. Calling back and forth to each other across the aisle. Having a chat. And like, like they'd never operated a, or seen the little,

uh, screen on your. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. The troubleshooting it, not troubleshooting it, just exploring all the possibilities. Things you can do on this four hour flight.

So it was I've heard great things about this movie Crazy Asians. It is amazing how the omission of one word really just changes the whole dynamic crasians um uh and then uh marvelous miss mazel that one won a lot of awards i hear yeah just every little genie you can teach yourself chess like the fact that you've had 65 years

and access to chess boards but you've never wanted to until now and then instead of learning on a chess board you're going to do it on a plane on the way to this chess tournament watching a computer beat you at chess

and you not being allowed to move things certain ways. And also, you're probably not very good at touchscreens to begin with.

Old woman. And then the other one was, oh, Solitaire, my favorite. Solitaire, the movie.

Maybe Epic. I heard this won a lot of awards at the cardies um i will get an email in six years from someone being like david graham predicted solitaire the movie yeah for sure one deck of cards one man 13 children deck of cards. One man. Thirteen children. Solitaire. The thing that's... Four feuding families. The whole Liam Neeson thing. What happened? He said during an interview he said this

craig told this crazy story he's just supposed to be promoting a movie i just saw it like liam neeson had a crazy week and i haven't had time to look into it he during an interview god knows why he told this story like it's a story that even if you were going to tell it you leave out some details you don't't, you don't. Oh yeah. Like he's promoting a movie, uh, you know, where he takes revenge. Cold pursuit. Yeah. So this is a, this should be old hat for him by now.

Like he should know how to promote these movies. He told the story. It was like, it was a friend of his was assaulted by, uh, somebody black guy. And then he was important to say he was a black guy because then he went around neighborhoods looking for a black guy to get in a fight with was it dennis hazebert it was dennis hazebert but like uh liam neeson did liam neeson he told the story oh my god on like uh some interview show and then didn't think that that would, that people would latch onto that. Like,

yeah. So you were going to go take revenge on the next black guy. Yeah. You stumbled across. Yeah. Your textbook racism. Yeah. And he was like,

but I didn't. That's his big excuse. exactly. Go see my movie. Anyways, cool pursuit. Don't look at my old Facebook photos or my old yearbook photos. Oh,

my Twitter. Like, oh my God, this must've died on the spot. Yeah. Like as he was telling this story, like, well,

that's the fucking movie. Maybe he just wants out. Maybe that's. maybe, maybe he really hated cold pursuit that much. Yeah. I'm going to tell the career ender yeah

here's why I've been driven to make all these revenge movies yeah I'm horrible yeah horrible goodbye everybody

I don't have a certain set of skills yeah and I would like to be I have a certain set of skills but uh like

being a good interview isn't one of them they're like it's just it's like it would be so easy not to tell that story. Yeah. Yeah.

Dave disagrees. No, Wood, you're right. I see what you're saying. But now I feel like I want to tell mine. Go ahead. Well, it was me and some crazy rich,

some crazy Asians. We got along famously. That's a nice story. Yeah. And then we got revamped. Oh no. Oh no. On white people. Safe.

He brought that home. That was enough fire to save us. My overheard. Oh, tell it. Slap it to me, big fella. It was a guy with his son and they were on the bus together and the son was uh just trying to like point out everything to his dad and it probably had been for the whole day for five years yeah and this we passed another bus and the other bus had an ad for a movie.

And the tagline for the movie was kids rule. And so he said to his dad, dad, dad, kids rule. And the dad just went. I feel like I do that. Anytime I've gone traveling with anyone I pointed out every sign yeah but you could tell that he was like this was a previous conversation where he was telling his dad

that kids rule and this confirmation check it out it's true that's what I've been saying solitaire the movie kids rule it's a good way to advertise a movie yeah yeah yeah it is yeah because kids want to believe it yeah they want to believe that they rule uh i mean have you been to kids only market

no do they rule kids only market yeah they only have kids? Sort of. It's a little mall for kids on Granville Island. Oh. Oh, yeah. Do the kids pretend to work? No. They do work. The stores, no, the stores are just for kids. Oh, yeah. Short. They're tiny. There's a short entrance, a short

door. Really? Yeah. Oh, man. That's fun. That's impractical. Well, there's also a big door. Oh, okay. Kids only. that's fun. That's impractical. Well, there's also a big door. Okay. Kids only. But, you know, also grown-ups. Kids don't got no money. Yeah, also grown-ups. Who's the guy that started that

business? Like, no, I want kids only. I'm like, okay, listen. Listen, Dr. Magorium. Okay, listen. All right, look. Listen, Dr. Magorium.

You have an overheard? And also congratulations to Mr. Magorium on his medical degree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seven years of imaginary medical school. Yeah. And apologies to Dr. Parnassus. You've lost yours. It was honorary. Yeah.

From Temple. So, speaking of hockey, we were at a Winnipeg Jets game. And, like, at the... Boo! At the Jets go. At the game, you know, they have people that go around with a 50-50. 50-50 here. Or they have the guys set up selling the beer.

And they're shouting, like, beer here. We got your beer over here. Come get your beer. We got beer here. Beer over here. Come get your beer. And Dana, my wife, in all seriousness, turns to me and says, oh, hey, look, they have beer over there. We were like four feet away from this guy.

Beer over here. Oh, guy. Beer over here. Ooh, they have beer over here. I hear. I think he's the only one in the arena selling. Advertising works. There's beer over there and kids rule. Those are the two things I learned. I guess that's not technically an overheard.

Sorry, I broke the rules. It's fine. Get out. I will see my way out. Hit the bricks. Another thing I like about the Stanley Cup is when the commissioner of the league comes out to bring it, to give it to the winning team. Yeah. No matter whether the team, you're like the home team has just won or the, the away team

or the home team has just lost. Yeah. They all boo the commissioner. Even if they're overjoyed or terribly disappointed. You gotta boo that guy. That's very funny. That's very pro-wrestling.

Here's a boo who will hate this guy. That's Vince McMahon. Is this a topic for Overheard? Subtitles that look funny? Yeah, yeah. Because I was watching... I will leave then. Just out this window?

Yeah. I was watching... Oh, he's selling it. He's going for it. Here it comes. That TV show on Netflix about Robin from Batman and Robin. The new gritty reboot. Legends of something. Something like that. Titans. That's what

it is. Okay. And his name is Dick something. Grayson. Yeah Dick Grayson. He was at the end of this fight scene and he's like crawling back up onto the top of this building and the subtitles just said in parenthesis Dick's grunting.

If you do it right. On your wedding night folks. That reminds me of the time I lost my virginity. It's cold. Dick's whinnying. Dick's whinnying. Gold. Dick's whinnying.

Now, we also have overheard sent in from people all over the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Jason S. in Halifax. Statham? Yep. Well, this is at a gym, so that's where you would hang out. I caught the end of his conversation between two dudes at the gym as I was walking in, and one guy was saying, okay, we'll save some gains for the rest of us. Yeah, buddy.

Don't work out too hard. Yeah. You working out or hardly working out? Yeah. Imagine if that's how muscles worked. Like, oh, he already gained all the weight today. Yeah. Sorry, gym's closed.

We're all out of gains. Arnold was here. Arnold Palmer. Yeah. He shot the shit out of gains. Arnold was here. Arnold Palmer. Yeah. He shot the shit out of us. Yeah. He threw up everywhere. Oh, I watched one of those.

You sent me a screenshot of a couple Strongman series that were on Netflix. Oh, I did. Yeah. And I started watching one of them. Great. Yeah. Those are always great. F felt like it would be up your alley yeah just like literally like historians talking about guys who were strong men back in the day oh it's like a historical oh cool one of those historical and one of them it's not like just guys chucking logs no there's some uh you

know there's one of those there's some for everybody. Nice. Weight-wise. Chucking logs and sucking hogs. That's what I call history. It's the history of Scotland. This next one comes from Dave in Seattle. What? Yeah.

Alternate reality. You don't think it's Dave from Wendy's? Cobain from Nirvana. I was prepping to install a light fixture in my kitchen with my two little girls, age six and three, watching nearby.

I was trying to keep them away so they wouldn't disappear with some tool or part I needed, so I kept telling them to go downstairs, but they ignored me and hovered a few feet away. I climbed the ladder, fixture in hand, and reached up to the ceiling when the older girl said to the younger, Audrey, stay back. Daddy's going to hurt himself pretty soon. Kids rule. You heard it here first yeah have you had to fix anything

in front of your kin yeah I mean we have very tall ceilings and I our stepladder is not quite tall enough like that thing where to change a light bulb where it says,

this is not a step, I beg to differ. Watch me now. And like hanging out Christmas lights. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm,

yeah, they're staying up until better weather. Yeah. Why not? Because I'm not. You know, weather might stay up

until next Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Who's gonna, there's no neighborhood patrol, is there? Is there? There might stay up till next Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Who's going to, who's, there's no neighborhood patrol. Is there, is there, there are block watch parents who are allowed to report that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't go over to that house. They don't know. Are there any like bylaws with this neighborhood that say your grass has to be a certain high? Actually, it says your ass is grass and I'm the lawnmower.

I thought that it was ass, gas or grass. No one rides for free. I don't know what. That's what is my neighborhood. That makes more sense. I never understood your ass is grass.

And I'm the lawnmower? I'm just going to maintain your ass? Yeah. I mean, he's going to go around and charge five dollars to old ladies.

Don't worry, I'll bag it. Yeah. And on a hot day I'll bag it. Yeah. And on a hot day all over, you know, I'll put my feet on you. This last one comes from James M. from London. This is,

last weekend I was attending an open day at a nursery as we're expecting a baby soon and are trying to be prepared. Good for you. One of the staff showed us a big whiteboard in the toddler's room that listed all the children's names alongside some of their favorite foods and their favorite things to do so that all the nursery staff would know each child's preferred activities. Examples included, Suzanne likes crackers, bananas, coloring, dressing up, stories.

Muhammad likes carrots, chocolate blocks, crayons, drawing But I was particularly drawn to this profile Chester likes dirt Bugs Here's your chocolate And here's a spoonful of bugs for you Are you sure Chester wasn't a lizard? Heat lamp Crickets Are you sure Chester wasn't a lizard? Heatlamp

Crickets There's always one kid that you're like Well that seems to be What he likes Have you guys tried dirt? It's not bad Just a mouth full of soil Like the good bagged soil

That's good That black gold We got Just a mouthful of soil? Yeah, get your hands in it. Like the good bagged soil? Uh-huh. That's good. Black gold. We got... Texas tea chunks. Yeah. Like a swim team or something was going, I don't know. Selling dirt?

Selling manure. Oh. I don't trust a swim team. If they brought water, then I'd be like... Maybe. For sure. Maybe it was a soccer team. I don't know.

They left a pamphlet and I just recycled it. You should have composted it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, you can make my own manure. That's right. Sell it to them at a reduced price. In addition to overhoards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us.

Our phone number is, oh, what's the phone number? Oh, I have this handy thing that someone gave me one eight four four seven seven nine seven six three one or uh sorry uh that part's blocked so close i can't quite see that part of it i have another thing in the way okay one spy pod one like these people have hi dave and graham this is janna from maryland and i'm calling with an over red while driving through the poconos i saw a um ultrasound clinic which had a big billboard and it said meet your baby 3d and you're with spelled u r off i go meet your baby cool put on your 3d glasses now to fully enjoy your baby when we had a when we got ultrasounds they do offer you like the 3d ultrasound which is just like

you're you're not you don't wear a vr mask or anything. No. D-Box. Yeah. A bidet sprays you. But it's just, I've seen them. There's nothing to them. Are they black and white still? They're like, Color? They're like,

sort of, rough orange. Like a little bit skinny. A real rough orange. I don't know if they actually, maybe they changed them for people's race. They're a little bit white. A real rough orange. I don't know if they actually, maybe they changed them for people's race. They're a little bit white baby. Yeah, but I just like the

3D experience. I would like to apologize on Liam Neeson's behalf for what I just said. But it's like an extra I think maybe an extra 50 or more dollars compared to zero i think it was to get a regular ultrasound yeah just give me the old-timey nickelodeon picture just uh yeah the photo booth for pictures of my baby making goofy faces yeah i'm up on the fridge and then slime me and send me home remember the nickelodeon

slime that would always come down at the end of the thing I think Graham meant the nickelodeon yeah and you were thinking of getting slimed anyway I got slime on my mind I'm sorry here we go next vocal hi stop podcasting yourself

this is a little bit of a drunk dial but also an overheard overheard. I was in an Asian grocery store the other day and I was watching these two lone teenage boys shop. I was like, what are they up to? Because that's weird. And I overheard them say, oh, look, they got that tea that makes you horny and the other one said yeah okay bye like teenagers need any help from tea yeah you can take a lesson from harness the power of teenage horniness and a tea

get your day started right with an awkward boner on the bus horniness tea teenage horniness tea I'm just gonna throw back one of these and go to work regret it immediately yeah go work out one of these and go to work.

Regret it immediately. Yeah, go work out. Save some for the... Whoa! Oh boy. Arnold Palmer's boner. Arnold Palmer's boner blast. Yeah. Set out an APB

for Arnold Palmer's boner. Here we go. Final over. Hi, Dave and Graham. Possible guests. This is Brad from South Carolina calling in with an overheard. Just walking through a street here on downtown Charleston, South Carolina. And as we passed two guys that were standing outside of a bar,

I heard one guy say, so what you been up to? And the other guy said, eh, not much. I blew up a beaver dam. Does he mean he lost his virginity? You know that deal we had? Oh, boy.

Blow up a beaver dam. I mean, what's the age limit for blowing up a beaver dam? Yeah. I feel like it's something a 15-year-old would do, not two guys outside a bar. No. No, but maybe, I don't know know you think they could be contracted by oh yeah like damming up the water how big of a dam is it yeah i wouldn't couldn't you just kick it yeah like like get some get some gumboots again together. Let's not endanger the beavers by kicking.

That's the safer approach. Just hoof it. They'll get the message. Once you hoof it once. I'm afraid of beavers. They are scary people. I've never seen one. No people.

No, wild. They frequent the park that was near where i grew up so oh yeah well you're from canada yeah i'm from here they would hang out there and feed the old people yeah yeah yeah they'd wear hats that's how you wouldn't know those little guys yeah but we go we uh dan and I go on like canoe trips into the wilderness and stuff like that. And, uh, the beavers are always so territorial that they're like, once you set up camp, they'll come around and they'll slap their tail on the water. You know, that they're there and don't come near them and stuff like that. That's helpful. Yeah.

I wish a skunk would do that. Like make a lot of noise. Yeah. Yeah. Heads up. I'm coming. Yeah. Yeah. Skunks Heads up. I'm coming. Yeah. Yeah.

Skunks get it together. Um, well that's the, uh, the end of the program here, Tim. Well, thank you so much for being our guest.

Thanks for having me guys. I really appreciate it. But long time listener. First time talking on her. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, a lot of fun.

Thanks for being on our live show. I'm sure we'll release it. Yeah. Um, do you have anything you'd like to plug? Um, I have a comedy album out called, you got to laugh,

which you can get wherever. And, uh, what I tell people is if, uh, you have like a work computer or whatnot, if you could just put it on Spotify on repeat, and just leave it playing overnight,

then I can watch that 0.00010 cents roll in. Yeah. That would be sweet. What does a Spotify play pay? Uh, sometimes it's very little. Of course. Yeah. Cause you get a breakdown of it and sometimes it's

like, well, what, what, like it doesn't really give you the detail. Was it just one? Cause I have some short tracks on there. Uh, and some of them are like actually 0.00. Uh. So it's by second? Like like like one one hundredths of a cent ed sheeran has like i think he has the biggest song ever on spotify and it's over a billion plays wow and he doesn't have a billion dollars no no that we know of yeah maybe a billion quid yeah i might have a billion dollars No That we know of Maybe a billion quid

Yeah he might have a billion quid He likes to keep playing humble That's true He does yeah Good luck opening up that book Yeah And then just check out Hunk's stuff We're going to be in Toronto

For the Toronto Sketch Festival in March On the 14th 15th and 16th um gotta see them live uh-huh yeah got some new stuff coming up and yeah if you're in winnipeg ever come down to uh we johnny's i uh produce shows there we have trivia every tuesday and then we do comedy wednesday to saturday and the third sunday of every month is an improv show we have over 10 people in Winnipeg right now. Totally. Come on down and nip.

They wouldn't all come to the live show, but... Drew Strauss is going to show up for the live show. I had to babysit the other ones, too. All right, well, you do my burn comic story and I'll stay home. I'll stay home and order Salisbury's house to go. Yeah, DoorDash. And thanks to everybody who came to our live podcast. Yeah.

I assume. I assume. Yeah. Or I assume nobody did. Who knows? Yeah, hard to say. Hard to say, looking back. Yeah, it hasn't happened in our timeline.

But in your timeline, you know, Biff Tannen is rich. He's a millionaire. Yeah. Off of his sports. What if Biff Tannen, instead of a sports almanac, he wrote that Ed Sheeran song that's really popular? So he still wouldn't have a billion dollars?

Yeah. He wouldn't have to time travel at all. I'm in love with the shape of Leah Thompson. Well, yeah. And all you out there,

thanks for listening. And if you like the show, why don't you tell some friends? And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Yeah, Shelley Duvall was really like she i i think of her in the same way i think of like anne hathaway it's like big googly eyes like anne hathaway looks like a disney princess yeah yeah i think she looks like a wallace and gromit she does she is claymation she's one of our few claymation celebrities she's half claymation on her father's side um one of those hollywood secrets that they've managed to keep under yeah yeah that was that was revealed in People magazine.

I'm here and I'm claymation. Anne Hathaway at the beach, melting.