Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 58 - Ian Boothby

Episode Date: April 13, 2009

Writer/Comedian/Improviser Ian Boothby joins us to talk about The Spike Awards, candy, and vitamins.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 58 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and joining me is the man whose face you will see if you fold a $10 bill in a certain way, Mr. Dave Shumka. And if you draw Spock hair on me, that's a $5 bill. Correct.

Who's on the $10 bill? That's our first Prime Minister, John A. McDonald. Sir. John A. McDonald. Oh, okay. Wilford Laurier is on the $5. Queens on the $20. And the $50 is William Lyon Mackenzie King.

And the $100 is Lizzie Borden. $50 wax is Brian Adams. Times two. And joining us today, our guest is a long time, you're a comic book writer, improviser, show producer, stand-up comedian, actor. Actor? Sure, why not? He's at 21 Jump Street, why not?

We'll throw that in there. Did you really? We'll get back to that later. Mr. Ian Boothby joining us here. Thanks for coming out and being part of the show. It's awesome to be here. I really like the show, and this is keen. And it's a nice walk from where you live over to here.

Yeah, this was fun. It's a pleasant, it's almost cherry blossom season. Almost. They had the cherry blossom, there's like a cherry blossom walk or festival or something. Yeah, but have you seen any cherry blossoms since then? But yeah. They had it a couple weeks ago. It's not happening. Anyway, let's get to know us.

Get to know us. Good blossom talk. Yeah, that was so great. It's not as good as when we expand into the show Blossom. Right, I don't know about the future. It's not as good as the candy, the cherry blossom candy. What's that?

Is that the gross looking thing? It's not great, actually. It's a Lowney's. I think it's one of the last of the Lowney's chocolates. You got your Glossettes. You got your, whatever, the peanut equivalent of the Glossettes.

I think they're both Glossettes. Yeah, yeah. And then you got your cherry blossom, which... Is that like a dried cherry with chocolate on it? No, it's a maraschino cherry with too much chocolate and a lot of coconut padding.

It comes in a square yellow box? It's an unfortunate chocolate. And it's got a gross picture of it on it? Yeah, it's not good. That is an unfortunate chocolate. It was good in the 70s when you didn't have that much chocolate option. Like, you took what you could get, but times have changed. And now they've got Kinder everything.

You know what's a crazy candy? Bounty. That's a fucked up candy. Bounty? How's that more messed up than like an Almond Joy? I've never had Almond Joy because I'm allergic to nuts. But I'm just...

Is Almond Joy really weird? What's Almond Joy all about? Well, Almond Joy is... Actually, I was thinking of Mounds. I'm sorry. Oh, Mounds is... Yeah, that looks like a pretty fucked up chocolate bar. Expand on this.

What's fucked up about a bounty? Yeah, I've never had one. It's coconut. It's just coconut with chocolate on it. It's like a bar of coconut. Yeah, what more do you want? And that's wrong because... Oh, no, I didn't say it's wrong.

It's just fucked up. There's no other... You just turned against it. You mutinied against the bounty. There was a mutiny on that party they uh there's no like there's what other chocolate bar features coconut is there any other chocolate bar even on the market there is the lowney's uh cherry blossom sure that had coconut in it that's right then the mounds m Mounds have coconut? Yeah. And Almond Joy. Almond Joys have nuts. Mounds don't. Because?

I forget. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Right. Sometimes you don't. I knew there was something there. Yeah, I don't know. I've just always found bounty to be really fucked up. Like if somebody gave me a bounty and I bit into it.

Well, Big Turk is like the lowest of the chocolate bars to me. My dad loves it. Oh, I like Big Turk. I mean, if you're an older gentleman and you've been through a war. How old do you think my dad is? Well, I don't know. I'm sure he's fought for one of our countries. Yeah, that's right.

He's very warlike. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, I'm sure at some point. He's a warlock. That's right. You know, at some point he got it for free, and you were grateful because times were poor. Rations.

Yeah, chocolates were horrible in the past. That's how they got the G.I.s hooked on the smokes and the Hershey bars. That is true. They used to have cigarettes in the little packs. When I was in high school, I remember one day I was walking with a bunch of friends, and we were trying to come up with which chocolate bars have erotic or suggestive names. Mounds.

That's in there, right? Yeah. Sure. O'Henry, depending on how it's screamed. Yeah. Big Turk. Big Turk was a favorite. Vagina chocolate.

Yeah. Turk was a favorite. Vagina chocolate. That was the limited edition Eve Ansler bar, right? Yeah. That's a banana. Never mind. Monologue. Well, let's get to know

Ian. What's going on with you? What's new? What's happened? It isn't that new, but I want to bring it up because you were mentioning some sort of Spike TV show earlier when we were talking. I went to the Spike Awards this year. Oh, Jesus. Were you aware there was a Spike Awards? Yes, I am very aware. Was there a half pipe?

Paul Rubens was at it. There wasn't. There was not a half pipe. No, there was not. Because there have been some awards shows. They may not be the Spike Awards, but they were certainly on Spike, and Tony Hawk was there. Yeah. No, that wasn't.

I was a plus one because my wife won an award there for best comic book. She does a comic book called Why the Last Man. Your wife's name is? Pia Guerra? Okay. I'll have to look that up. But I was her plus one, which is the best thing to be, because you get to go on the red carpet, but you don't have to do nothing.

So you get to hang back. And I'm honestly in about 10,000 photos of me and the Osbournes, because we got backed into a corner. I'm in the back. I can't get out. Everyone's taking pictures of them, and I'm there for forever with them. And I completely blended in with the family. Did you have to talk to any of them? No I'm there for forever with them. And I completely blended in with the family. Did you have to talk to any of them?

No, they were all cool with it. They were all pressed up against me. Notice how I said have to and not get to. They are a good-smelling family, though. I bet. Yeah, they're like a cinnamon mixed with barbecue sauce. Okay. Yeah, just picture it.

I think I can guess who's cinnamon and who's i'm guessing jack is mostly barbecue the girls are sugar and spice yeah the guys are snips and snails and puppy dog tails is that how it goes um now was that the same spike awards where peewee herman was at it no he uh he wasn't at this one that was the year before then that's right yeah was it the man awards was it that one the spike man is that or it's just called the spike it's just called the spike they're trying to be the mtv awards right um yeah because i don't know you know the mtv awards are great um but tim burton was there he almost died um i will i will let you know um theybed with a scissor hand So ironic

He could have used the scissor hands Because what was happening was Winona Ryder introduces him And we hear the Beetlejuice theme And we see him above us in a balloon Not a balloon but like a series of balloons Attached to a really shaky basket Like a wicker basket

And you see him And it's supposed to be oh he's floating over and he's gonna land and it's gonna be cool but you could tell this he's not he's realized this has gone south yeah like he's being held up there by two guys are holding holding him down and with these ropes and if one of them loses his grip that's it you know someone's gonna find tim burton in a farmer's field somewhere in wisconsin at point. Was this an open air? Yeah, it was an open air situation. And yeah, it was just...

Could have been a half pipe. It could not have looked more terrified. Poor, poor little Tim Burton. And then later after the awards, we're in a diner, me and my wife, and we run into the people who did the balloons. And they were arguing with each other about how, basically, he almost died. Really? Wow. So, you know, and the one guy was trying to tell me, no, he was safe,

and you could tell by the other person's face in no way was he at all safe. So it's a fun clip to look up and just see a very terrified Tim Burton. That's funny to me, because why wouldn't they do the thing that they always do, those type of things where you have a stunt guy, and then the balloon thing crashes, and then Tim Burton walks out from behind a bush. Because this is the Spike Awards. Yeah, they don't fight. No half measures at the Spike Awards.

And the other person that almost died was George Lucas. Okay. Stabbed in the throat with an Edward Scissorhands. Well, what happened with this was, we all got these little glow sticks. We weren't told who the guest of honor was. And we got these little glow sticks, and it just said, Do not break glow stick until Samuel L. Jackson tells you to. And you obeyed. That's right.

Which was like, well, that's just cool on its own to have that, so I've still got that. Do not release snake on plane. Break your glow stick, motherfucker. I still keep it to fake it's coming out of like a fortune cookie And just go, my fortune cookie's a little weird Don't know what that tells you But we got these things And then the deal was, oh, George Lucas is going to come out

Wave your glow sticks In kind of a tribute to him Right, because he invented the glow stick That's right And he's a big raver But I think everyone all at once got the idea that we didn't like the last bunch of movies these are all filler people in the audience by the way there's like the guests and then goth kids they bust in and just said dress

to the nines and these guys are drunk off their asses they're just like they're nuts and they all realized at once we should just huck these at him and And I thought, he's going to be stoned to death with tiny lightsabers. By a bunch of stoned kids. That's right. Wow. But what ended up happening was we all realized it at the same time. But those of us in the front seats were like, well, we're on TV. I don't want to throw.

This is a little tiny man. You feel sorry for him. People in the back, not so much. He's wearing an Ewok costume. That's right. He's got a manicured beard. He really does. He really does.

He just looks like the saddest little puppet. He looks like a ventriloquist puppet. And he comes out, and then the people in the back start hucking him. And so we end up getting them in the back of the head. We're getting the wrath that he deserves for Attack of the Clones. And most of the Mr. I liked those ones. Did you?

Yeah. When you said the last three movies, I thought you meant in terms of the clones and uh and and most of the mr those ones did you yeah when you said the last three movies i thought you meant like uh in terms of the canon oh you meant the original yeah the last three movies that just came out in theaters now no no i mean uh yeah that had nothing to do with him marley and me uh that's the most recent movie i could think of but samuel. Jackson got hit by a couple of them and looked pissed off. I think that also stopped some people who didn't want any trouble with that. But if you get a chance to go to the Spike Awards... Where were they?

Los Angeles. Okay. I haven't turned down any award show yet. I think... That's not true. I don't think I went to my high school awards. No, and I don't know if I would... I would go to something like that.

I would go to something where I was guaranteed a spectacle. But I don't think I would just go to a regular award show. There was nothing but spectacle. Were there gift bags? Yes, but we didn't get them. What? Somehow we didn't end up getting a gift bag. You know, I'll tell you one of the things that was in the gift bag that we didn't get,

because another guy got one. $2,000 off a private jet so you can take that and like imagine okay you're on a you get the private jet then you bring out your coupon like that's just so weak like you're just going through all your coupons that you have there you You're like, I have 14 grand off a yacht. Could you go, like if you knew someone else who had a gift bag, could you get $4,000 off a private jet? No, I think it's one per customer. They're pretty strict. Just get a bunch of people together. Free private jet.

We're going to prom. What was the red carpet like? Yeah, I'm kind of fascinated by that. Well, it was actually nice because, again, I'm the plus one, so I get to hang around in the back and do nothing. What did your wife have to do? She just had to talk to media people like MTV and that kind of thing. Okay.

Hipster magazines and Goth Weekly. Fangoria. Yeah, Fangoria was there. Of course. They have little signs down on the ground when Fangoria had the cruise. Good for Fangoria for sticking it out. There must have been some slim years

for Fangoria and they just kept going. Good for them. I think these probably are the slim years for them. You think so? There's a lot more gory movies coming out now. Your Saw films and whatnot. I guess. Do they have an online presence? Who knows?

I don't know. Oh, yeah, because just the publishing industry is in dire straits. That's what I hear. But no, it was fun, and lots of celebrities walked back. They had the owl ship from Watchmen was there. So it's a big nerd. That was kind of cool. So when was this?

This was just recently? This was like a couple of months back. Wow. That's pretty great. And she didn't know she won, but it was like the MTV Awards where they only invite you actually if you win. So they had the opening credits,

and her name was, you know, it was like all the big names, and then Pia Guerra. I was like, oh, I guess you won. Well, that's nice. So then did she go up on stage and do the thing? Did you get thanked? Yes, Stan Lee. Yeah, I think I did. Stan Lee gave her the award, which, I guess you won. Well, that's nice. So then did she go up on stage and do the thing? Did you get thanked? Yes, Stan Lee.

Yeah, I think I did. Stan Lee gave her the award, which is very, very cool. Did at any point, did he say, enough said? Or did he say it's clobbered in time? That would be a great way of getting people, instead of playing the music off, just Stan Lee just goes, enough said. And then you've got to shut up and leave. Do you not know enough said? What's that from?

It's from, he used to do, I know it from that. Stan Lee is the male character in Streetcar Named Desire. Stan Lee. He's Pamela Lee's dad. He plays the detective in the Incredible Hulk movie. Oh, right, right. Yeah, Stan Lee, he created Spider-Man and X-Men. But he used to write the editor's letter

in each comic book, and he would sign it off with, Nuff said. That's how I know it. Is that right? Is that the right context? It's funny, just seeing the expression on your face. I hang around nerds so much

that when sometimes we bring up nerdy things, and you get that kind of, Nuff said, look at glaze in your eyes of just, I don't want any part of this. At all. And I'm completely a nerd. enough said look at glaze in your eyes of just i don't want any part of this at all and i'm completely a nerd i just don't like to read yeah you know he cannot read a word part of our heritage um dave what's going on with you well i was at the... Oh, jeez. The Spike Awards? I stole your thunder.

I'm so sorry. I was trying to think of a lesser network. There is no lesser network. How about the Canadian Men's Network? Is there such a network? Oh, Lord, there is. I think it's Channel 97, yeah. Oh, I don't have Channel 97. Finally, there's a network for men.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To go with the other network for men. No, I think... Oh finally there's a network for men oh yeah to go with the other network for men no I think oh what's it called the men's I think it's like the men's network men TV

men TV yeah I used to work for a TV show that driver seat no wings over Canada and one of the broadcasters was

men TV that doesn't sound very manly that show wings over Canada no that could not sound less manly it was show. Wings Over Canada? No, that could not sound less manly. It was a lot about spirit quests and finding your inner diva. Anyway, no, it was about Canadian aviation, if you must know.

Anyway, not much has been going on with me, but I was, I tried to tell you something before the show and you were like, Dave, save it. Yeah. So, uh, I'll share it now. Uh, this week my mother phoned me up. Oh yeah. Uh, she, she told me she had an idea for a skit for my app. A skitch.

Uh, and, um, she said you should talk about your dog uh like an like an only dog like the way people talk about own having an only child okay i'm with you so far and uh that was about it but but then like i kind of talked to her a bit about it. Like, okay, yeah, here's some funny things about that. And then apparently I emboldened her enough to give me another suggestion, which was to talk about taking my car for a checkup, the way you talk to a kid about going in for a checkup. And she said, like, you could tell your car they're going to lift up your hood and they're going to look at your private parts.

Would your mom do five minutes of stand-up somewhere? No. Have you asked her that question? No, but I'm putting my foot down. We exist in separate spheres. I'm not against that private part bit. There's a hook there. Yeah, lift up the hook.

There's a Mr. Luke tie in there. There's something there for sure. Bathing suit area. Because they wear those bras yeah that's where the bra is nice we're really fleshing this out you need to get famous enough that it's one of those things where like your relatives can then write their side books about in oh that's oh that's dave's mom he wrote he wrote that book oh okay i like dave so uh her book would be called shump there it is.

Hers? Yeah, because isn't your mom a fan of tag team? She is a big fan of early 90s hip hop. Tag team was the name of the group. Yeah, she liked tag team. Naughty by nature. She was a big fan of naughty by nature. Who did Da Dip? Was that Freak Nasty?

That was Freak Nasty, I think, wasn't it? My mom's a big fan of the Freak Nasty? That was Freak Nasty, I think, wasn't it? Yeah. My mom's a big fan of the Freak Nasty. So yeah, that was about it for me. Pretty good. That's a pretty good week. What else do you need out of a week? Well, the Spike TV Awards. Yeah, that would have been good.

But he had months to draw from. That's true. Week to week here. I am reaching back. Yeah. All right right I feel better yeah you should feel a bit better myself I've just been working so that's I don't have a ton to report except that I discovered a show last night what network Spike TV hey and uh this show i think is gonna be my new go-to show for a long time uh like the best show on tv right now is breaking bad there's no better show on tv there's i will i've not watched it but i like anything with any of the cast members of malcolm

and the middle yeah and this it's the greatest show Yeah. And it's the greatest show. But this is going to be the greatest show that isn't that show. And it's a show called The Deadliest Warrior. And what it is, it's basically a concept that I, again, Spike TV has a way of reaching into my brain and finding the 12-year-old that's still in there somewhere and going, what show would you like to see? And then I would say, I want to see a show where you pit two different eras of fighters against each other. And that's the show that it is. So basically, like, they say, what would happen if the first episode was last night?

What would happen if, like, a gladiator fought an Apache Indian? Who would win? And they literally bring in scientists and they bring in historians and they bring in fighting experts and all this stuff to figure out who would win and why. And they brought in...

What's the... Chuck Liddell? Right, the ultimate fighter. From Entourage. Yeah, and they had him try out a bunch of the gladiator stuff to show kind of the impact of all of it. The winner, in case you're wondering, Apache Indian. Really? Apache Indian. What was up his sleeve?

Well, I guess he was probably sleeveless. He was sleeveless? But why did Apache Indian? I'm assuming it's a he yeah was he able to hide like no go ahead and pounce it's literally like a like a fight like just uh just uh but do they actually have people fight yeah they have reenactments oh they should just have people fight yeah they should dress you as like the apache you're the gladiator now let's have that after all the yip yap you know all the science science talk. Now let's break it down. Let's see who actually does damage.

Because the Apache Indian was able to maneuver a lot easier than the gladiator was. Right. What was wrong with the gladiator? Was it the haircut? He was top-heavy armor-wise. Shins were protected. Thighs weren't. Head was protected.

Chest was protected chest was protected but he was so he was he was cut on the thigh and then apache jumped on his back and stabbed him in the neck are they taking into account apache being surprised by gladiator appearing in the woods like because i think that's why why are they on apache's turf yeah like oh that's fair that's a fair point we're on apache's turf which is odd okay fair enough like he's expecting a bear or like someone in buckskin but if he saw a gladiator with his first you know i mean i think yeah you'd be a little surprised yeah just like oh you know you're dressed in a crazy outfit that's gonna buy you some time did the apache believe that what he

did in life echoed in eternity oh shadowsadows and dust. That's what gave him the lead in the fight. There was a show on the Discovery Channel a couple years ago, and it was probably still on. It's called Mythbusters. They would do that kind of thing

with animals. World's Deadliest. I think that's even a video game now. Really? Is it a trout fishing game? with animals. Yeah, World's Deadliest. I think that's even a video game now. Okay. Really? Yeah, it's a picture of a... Is it a trout fishing game? No, no. World's Deadliest Catch.

The cover, though, makes no sense to me because it's a snake versus a spider. And you're like, well, snake's gonna win that. That's a one-second fight. Bite, you know, it's done. Maybe it'll die later, but, you know, what's the but fair enough. Whoever lives longest.

Now, would they really have the animals fight in that? Well, no. They would talk. I think I saw one episode. So what, they'd be like, gorilla versus whale? In the water, I favor whale. In the trees. Gorilla.

But they had Shark versus alligator Maybe crocodile I would say alligator Yeah I'll go alligator because alligator can turn And alligator can back up But shark cannot Alligator can take a break, go on land, rest up

Come back in For another helping And they ended up I forget who won And rest up. Come back in. For another helping. Yeah. And they ended up... I forget who won, but they... Well, we all won as viewers. But they made robot versions of both the animals? Sure they did. Sure they did.

Why? That's what science should be doing. But why did they do that? And they put them in the water? Like robots in the water? No, I guess probably not. Well, then what's the... So they're air versions.

They could eliminate the water variable. Because they both had to use it. Fair enough. Yeah, that's true. So, you know... Who won? I just told you, Graham. Oh.

We did. That's right. The viewer. I would like to see that show that you're told you, Graham. We did. That's right. The viewer. I would like to see that show that you're talking about, Graham, but with historical figures. Actually, don't just be generic with it. Go specific. Like Genghis Khan versus Lincoln. But Lincoln gets a gun, but he's only got one shot.

But he's good at it. Just like actual historical figures fighting. So Lincoln and who? Genghis Khan. Oh, yeah. But he's got a gun. got one shot. But he's good at it. Just like actual historical figures fighting. So who? Lincoln and who? Genghis Khan. Oh, yeah. But he's got a gun. But one shot. I give it to Khan.

How about Lincoln versus James Khan? Oh, that's good. I'm going to give it to Khan again. Yeah. What about James Khan versus Genghis Khan? How about Genghis Khan, Kublai Khan, and James Khan, and you put them on a plane, it's Khan Air. How about that? You do that.

Green light. Yeah, it's Caan Air. How about that? You do that. Green light. Yeah, exactly. I like this. And Scott Caan. Scott Caan from... And Jake Busey, might as well. And the irresponsible use of a time machine is good for a TV show. Time machine plus no ethics equals good show. Yeah, I agree with that.

Bill and Ted would agree. They just wanted to party and get their babes and be excellent to each other which they were they taught us to be excellent to one another yes or each other yeah they didn't uh they didn't you're right they didn't uh one up us uh and neither did rufus oh uber heard yeah yeah let's move on to overheards for sure overheard do you have an overheard i i think i do oh excellent all right i think i might have one i think i might have two but i don't want to be pushy no yeah please we push away okay um okay so anybody who doesn't know overheards pretty pretty self-explanatory, you'd

think. Yeah, stuff we've done overheard. There you go. Ian, it is our tradition to have the guest be the first to deliver the overheard, if you'd be so good. You said you have two. I think, yeah. Again, it feels a bit cocky to say I got two. See how the first one goes over. It's not cocky enough, in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Do it. So I'm on the 316 bus heading to North Delta.

Okay. All right. You seem to be doubtful of that. No, no, no. I wasn't doubtful. I just, I didn't know you would tell me where you were going. I thought you were going to say 316 bus and then just assume. Okay, fair enough. Yeah.

I was on the 316 like that and then you applaud. Was the driver Stone Cold Steve Austin? I was on the way to visit my mom in Delta and there was a couple of girls who were talking the way the girls talk and there was a guy in front of them

who was not enjoying the conversation and they were just being too nattery talking about their boyfriends and this. It's probably me. It could have been. He did have a beard. He had a plaid shirt. But he was in his 50s. And they were going through their conversation. He was doing that sighing thing, just

letting you know that he didn't enjoy the conversation. And then at one point, he turns to them and goes, Yeah, yeah, I fought a bear. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Uh, point he turns to them and goes yeah yeah i fought a bear uh no that was pretty great yeah that was pretty great they could have turned to him and said oh no you didn't and they would have been right i want to see that on the deadliest warrior old man on the bus versus bear like he could not have looked more like a bear-fighting man,

though. He was the kind of long hair, bushy beard. He almost had a sign around him saying, ask me about my bear-fighting. I tracked a man. Maybe he fought Bear Grylls from the from that show. From TV's Bear Grylls? Yeah. Bear

and the Family, I think, is the name of the show. Deadliest Grills. Pimp My Grills. Dave? Gray Gray. Buddy? You got an overheard? I have an overread. Alright.

So not an overseen. I had to use my reading muscles. Okay. On Facebook. This is a Vancouver comedy one, a local guy who runs a local comedy show, he posted his Facebook status that had the name of his comedy show

and then it would say something about the comedy show and the name of his comedy show and something about the comedy show and on and on and on and so forth. To the deletion point, where you're like, unfriend a Rooney.

It said, the name of the comedy show, prizes. The name of the comedy show, cheap drinks. The name of the comedy show, arguably the best food in comedy. Oh, gross. He can't even put his foot down on that one.

Arguably. Wow. Like a heated argument. Like a really angry argument. About the best chicken fingers. Oh, man. I don't know from my overheard which one. I have a good one that I saw, but then I have another one that relates to the casino show that I did last weekend.

Do the casino one. Okay, because this is pretty great. And I don't remember it in vivid detail. This is from the Tracy Morgan show. Yeah. One of the guys that was working there, we were looking at kind of, there was a bunch of pictures on the wall in this one room

of people who play there, and there was a really big one of Bill Cosby. And I was saying how much I like Bill Cosby and how funny he is. And this guy said, oh, well, you get a really big kick out of this. And he went and got his cell phone, and he came back and played me a message that had been left on his phone. This was months ago. So he just kept this message on his phone, and it was a message to him from Bill Cosby. And all it was – first of all, any Bill Cosby impression that you've heard in the last 10 years or so.

Is spot on. Where the guy's going, oobadoobagoo. That's nothing. He sounds like any, me talking now sounds more like Bill Cosby than any Bill Cosby impression that's going. Right now. He just sounds like a regular kind of man of his age would sound. But he calls up this guy, and he's like, he's got kind of a raspy voice. He's like, hello, this is Bill Cosby.

Or this is Bill. Now, last night, I ordered the soup from the hotel. And the soup was delightful. Now, what I need you to do is to get me the recipe for that soup. Now, here's how you do it. You call up the head of the kitchen, and you tell them that Bill Cosby from television would like to have the recipe. Because I guess he assumes if he calls

the kitchen, that they're going to be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then hang up. So he had to go through a third channel. So that's the problem with being a Bill Cosby. Yeah, because you don't sound enough like Bill Cosby, because you're not doing enough. So you need to call a local comedian who does a bit that features Bill Cosby because you're not doing enough. So you need to call a local comedian who does a bit

that features Bill Cosby. And make sure you say it's Bill Cosby from television, not Bill Cosby from the movies because that guy's terrible. The one guy goes, Ghost Dad? I'll be right up. Mother Jugs and Speed? That overheard was more fascinating

than hilarious, but this one is hilarious. Oh, you feel I need to overcompensate. Yeah, I do. Fine. I was at the TD Bank machine. Toronto Dominion. Toronto Dominion.

And next to me was a couple. You've probably taken out money, both of you, next to a couple like this where the guy is super kind of rat-faced, real seedy-looking baseball cap, and his girlfriend has like a belly shirt, but the belly should be shirted. And, you know, so... Shirt is losing. It's that couple, and

the only bit I heard, because I actually had my earphones in, but kind of in between songs, all I heard him say was, well, the machine won't give me $15. actually had my earphones in but kind of in between songs all i heard him said was well the machine won't give me 15 dollars poverty it's pretty good yeah oh i've been there yeah do where you need the 15 dollars yeah what do you do then you just debit it up that's the choice i used have in our society. And I still, to a degree, do know which ones give you the tens.

It used to be Royal Bank would give you the fives. And so that's why you go to the Royal Bank when things were hard. But they don't do that. It used to be the only place I knew was in New Westminster on the SkyTrain station line at the CIBC machine. It would give you fives and tens. It's the only one that I've ever known of. It always bugs me when you're in a convenience store and they got the machine there you get your 20 out because

that's all they got you buy something like some gum and they're 20 yeah it's what you've got in your store you've probably changed the system you watched me do it in fact i paid a buck for the privilege of this you jackass i'm'm sure your store is getting the dollar. Sons of bitches. I have one more. Bring it. I was on Granville Street with a friend of mine, and a fella got out of a cab and fell

and broke his leg. And you heard it, and it was just awful. And he's lying there, and so my friend And you heard it. Oh, no. It was just awful. And he's lying there. And so my friend, he gets out his cell phone, and he calls 911. He goes, yeah, the guy just fell. He's like, he's about six feet tall.

He's about, yeah. Okay, I'll ask him. What's your approximate age? Guy's like, I'm 30, but I can play 27. I can also ride a horse. I have stage combat. That was a great overhaul. How did he break his leg?

He was getting out of a cab, and there was, I don't know why they have those things, but there was like a like a little bump like on the sidewalk i guess it's don't ride your bike up there or something but he didn't see that right out of the cabin he was really cocky and it was just too bad it was in that kind of bar area of granville street and yeah just get out he just looks so happy and then bam snap oh just the the leg or the ankle um i wasn't I'm not a trained doctor I'm guessing ankle Do you think so? I'm thinking leg actually Like a fracture?

Yeah because I think he landed on the thing And got the leg A good clean Have you ever seen somebody break a bone? I love how he described it He was really cocky He was getting out of a cab He was getting out of a cab for a night on the town.

Yeah. Like, you know, it's just like. He got out through the driver's side window. He was pre-drinking. Yeah, Dukes of Hazzard style. He was getting out. Well, no, I've never seen anyone break a leg. Have you?

No, just any bone. Have you ever seen somebody like where you saw it and you were like, well, that's definitely broken. I mean, a nose. You saw somebody break their nose? Really? Well, like, I've broken my nose. Oh, okay. And, like, just in sports, you just see, oh, someone just gets a, like,

an elbow to the nose. You're like, oh, that's broken. Yeah, yeah. But it's not really a bone. But you've never seen it where somebody's just broken a... On TV. Yeah. When I was a kid i saw so not broke i saw somebody dislocate their arm that was pretty fucked up because it just hangs there right like it's no longer attached like it is still attached i guess by bone but it just kind of

popped out of the thing skin have you ever seen it someone have you ever seen someone bleeding on stage and they didn't know they were bleeding no No. I've done it to myself, actually. Have you? Yeah, when I pulled the mic out of the mic stand, I hit myself really hard in the lip. Yeah, there was a... Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. And do you know then, you don't know why the audience is giving you the... You know, they're looking at you like you're bleeding,

and there's no real universal sign for you're bleeding. Yeah, that's the one heckle I would appreciate. I would take that with a grain of salt. you're bleeding and there's no real universal sign for you're you're bleeding yeah it was just that's the one heckle i would appreciate i would take that with a grain of salt you're bleeding uh what are you fuck you you're bleeding you your wife's like yeah yeah she's probably bleeding am i right i've seen one stand-up uh bleed and i've seen two improvisers bleed so it's two for one for for improv over uh over stand-up for the seen two improvisers bleed. So it's two for one for improv over stand up for the blood. Two improvisers at the same time? No, it was a separate incident where they were doing scenes where

someone just smacked them in the face in a scene and broke their noses. Wow. And then they just packed them with the Kleenex and just kept doing the show. Yeah, the show must, if nothing else, go on. Or else what? No one ever says

or people will be fine with that and come back another time. That's true. What about that Britney Spears show? Yeah, that happened here. Yeah, last night. She didn't like the smoke in the crowd. It's pretty smoky, they said. It's a little smoky in here. I'm going to take a break.

Took a half an hour break. Yeah. That's not a good idea. Had some vitamin water. Yeah. Oh, vitamin water. Have you had vitamin water? Oh, yeah.

Do you think that that's not a crock, right? That's a thing? Vitamin water? I'm not sure it's a thing. It doesn't have as much vitamins as, say, juice. Or food. Yeah. Any kind of food that you would nutritionally eat.

Do you think we're getting a bill of goods with that? Is that a FACO thing? It's very highly priced. Vitamin water? Yeah. I've never had it. Do you think vitamins at all are... Like, have you ever felt better after taking vitamins?

No. No, it turns your pee a weird color. Yeah, that's the only thing. You know it's working because your pee's orange. Yeah. But aside from that, have you ever felt better after taking vitamins? No. It turns your pee a weird color. Yeah, that's the only thing. You know it's working because your pee is orange. But aside from that, have you ever gone, oh, and you forget to take your vitamins today? I feel like crap. No. There's no difference whatsoever.

You don't take vitamins? The only time I take vitamins... So you didn't listen to Mr. T at all? Or Hulk Hogan? No. Okay. Taking your vitamin T. Thorazine.

No, no. I only take vitamins when i'm sick and then i uh they don't work because it's too late by that point never mind it's like putting up a burglar alarm after your place has been robbed you know it's done you know the virus is in you it's done it's dirty business it's already taken off and you're just feeling the effects now yeah there's no point but i don't know. Vitamins. Any effect besides the pee thing? And if so, change your pee some other colors. How do you? I've heard people when they eat beets, they get a different color

pee, but I've never seen that before. The only time is when I've taken a vitamin and it turns like a neon color. It's pretty great. The problem is when I eat beets, I usually get punched in the kidneys a lot, so it's hard to tell. Yeah, where's it coming from, right? Origin, origin.

It is nice getting that pee when you're in a nightclub and you got that nice black light going. And you got the neon pee. I've never had that. Why are you peeing in a rave? Yeah. What kind of bathroom has a black light? No, there's some. Spike TV Awards.

Spike TV Awards, yeah. But asparagus is good.paragus oh do you know which bathroom does have a night like a live sorry about that uh vancouver community college they have this creepy bathroom in the on their main floor where if you go into it it's always there's no lights except for black lights in there and you gotta like find your way that's always to prevent people shooting up yeah because if the lights are blue you can't see your blue veins is that why it is yeah that's what it is but oh i just thought this really hip nightclub vibe down there i was like what's the point of this right next to the like the butcher i'm i'm really pale and abby's really pale and she pointed this out

to me because in she grew up in switzerland and uh some people pronounce it swaziland yeah and there was a lot of uh junkies in her neck of the woods. Right. In Switzerland, is that the thing? Well, there's junkies everywhere. That's true. But they're neutral. Yeah.

But she said that the bathroom... You can take it or leave it. The bathroom... Oh, and there were a lot of train stations, because the trains always run on time. And clocks, go on. Right, but she would always be uh in train stations and the bathrooms there would have blue lights and she would still be able to see her her veins because of the paleness yeah because she's so pale and i'm when i checked i could as well yeah i've i've never had the thing

where you couldn't see the veins i mean i can see my veins clear as day but um or at night or in black light um here's the thing I wanted to... It's a segment that we had. It went away. It died out. And then only today I thought of a possibility for it for reality show pitches. Okay. Which we don't have a theme song for, if I recall correctly.

We could replay Adam Pateman's... Reality TV show pitches! Let's give him a one-time shot with his version and then bumpers feel free to tell us if that's a go or if that's a toss uh at stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com um okay we took a brief intermission and uh during the intermission uh we were watched a bit of uh was america's next top model yeah it was the recap episode and there was a thing with one of the models knew how to draw and i was just saying like how amazing it is to be able to draw you know like my brother he really knows how to draw. He's an excellent artist. And, like, I couldn't do it at all.

I can do, like, the doodles, you know, sad horse. That's your standard doodle. Your standard velvet doodle. From the Depressed Animals collection. No, I was a great artist up to, like, the age of six. And then I dropped off. Yeah, that was it. I love drawing pigs. They actually say there's a reason for that, which is that's about the age that you learn

what you're drawing isn't looking like what it's looking like. Before then, if you draw a pig as a kid, you just go, yeah, it looks like a pig. Clearly, this is a pig. But at that point, you go, nah, it doesn't look at all like a pig. I suck. And then you give it up. And they give it up. That's why most kids stop writing their first novels when they're about seven. You're like, this doesn't look like a bestseller. This story arc doesn't have any merit. Yeah, but then Sylvia Brown's like, I'll keep writing.

And then she becomes a millionaire author. She's also a psychic. Oh, Sylvia Brown. She's coming to Vancouver. Oh, very excited. It's great. I wonder if she knew in advance that she was coming to vancouver i'm very excited it's great i wonder if she knew in advance she's the worst person in the world i wonder if she knew in advance how many cigarettes she'd smoke yeah but she knows she's not gonna die of lung cancer no she knows it's

an assassin's bullet for her um trampled by horses i want to put something in my will That just says no one is talking for me After I'm dead I just want to pass that on to you Whatever someone says I say I'm not saying it I'm mum from this point on You're on your own

Don't listen to no one Even if you are a ghost you'll be a mime ghost That's right I'm not going to talk to Sylvie I'm not going to talk to the crossing over guy I'm not going to talk to anyone who wants you to put your money in anything. What about Crossing Jordan? Yeah. Would you watch

it from behind the grave? Because it's dead too. Is that what you get to watch when you die? Just cancelled shows? Yeah, just cancelled shows. So you're watching the Martin Lawrence show? Nothing that went the full run. They can't watch Columbo or Rockford Files. So you're watching the Martin Lawrence show. Nothing that went the full run. Yeah, like things that were canceled. You can't watch Columbo or Rockford Files.

So you're watching Carnival and you're like, why doesn't it have a proper ending? If anybody's ever seen that series. I want to know how Dollhouse ends. That's too soon. You're like the Sylvia Brown of Dollhouse. And Kings. Anyway, we were talking about drawing. Yeah, and then we were talking about your wife, who is an award-winning artist.

A Spike award-winning artist. Yeah. A Spike award-winning artist. It's the most dangerous award we have in the office. Like, if there's an earthquake, that's the one that's going to kill us. Is it a giant spike? It's a giant freaking spike, yeah. Like a railway spike?

No, not like a... No, like just a cool stab-, yeah. Like a railway spike? No, not like a... No, like just a cool stab a vampire type spike. Oh, like a steak. Like a... It's more spike than steak, but I see where you're going. Do you ever put it in your punch?

Here, go ahead. But you and your wife... Now, just going off on a bit of a... You and your wife are both award-winning individuals. Do you have a lot of awards? I don't think we've said what he writes. You write Simpsons comics.

I write the Simpsons. The Simpsons comics. Yeah, I write the Simpsons and Futurama comic books. And I wrote an issue of The Flash once. Really? Yeah. Oh, cool. When I was working at the book warehouse,

we would get the anthologies of the Simpsons ones, and I would always put aside the ones that you had, and I would read the... Would you ever once have your name in it, and I would read them? He used to work at the book warehouse as well. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, okay.

I dated two women who worked at the book warehouse, both quit, when a guy came in with a knife and went, give me all your money, and they went, to hell with this job, and they left. I never worked in the store. I worked in the warehouse. Oh, okay. You worked in the book warehouse warehouse?

In the book warehouse warehouse. Squared. Yeah, but I also rallied very much against the policy of them allowing female employees to work by themselves at night. Female employees in general. I'm anti-suffrage. Suffering through suffrage is my slogan. Not anymore. No more suffering through suffrage. But I said uh i i was very vocal in that i didn't think that that should be the uh because because that seemed like a thing that

would happen obviously and indeed it did yeah um but those are the bad times yeah and if you're gonna rob a store rob a uh an independent bookstore speaking of robbing stores this actually takes us back to the story that I think you were setting me up for. So Pia, who is a very talented award-winning, as you said, comic book artist, was a newest minster where she was living at the time and was going to the 7-Eleven. And two guys ran past her. She went into the 7-Eleven and the guy went, just take a second here. And she went, oh, what happened? They just robbed me. Oh, have you got a piece of paper? And she drew both of them perfectly

on these pieces of paper, gave them to the police. They were arrested within an hour. Wow. Isn't that fantastic? Yeah. That's like something out of my secret identity. Where his superpower was really good drawing. Yeah. But not really good scripts.

That was a rough show. Speaking of shows, here's my reality show pitch. Okay. Now, are you familiar with the Tila Tequila shot at love? Am I? Okay. That's the one where they had to eat a pig's vagina at one point. Yeah, yeah yeah They did?

Yeah, I think it was Yes, they did I'm not imagining that They did They made them eat a pig's vagina But the premise of Oh, is that a euphemism? Yes, it is

But they also made them eat a pig's vagina So it's a euphemism Shot of Love was a show I guess maybe it had two versions of it the first one was tequila related were there wasn't there two seasons with her just one i think that's another shot of love had just these two random random twins so the first uh season and i only thought of this because there were photos of tequila tequila online like walking around in underwear on the hollywood boulevard but she on the original series she was supposedly a bisexual woman that was her only credentials and she was one of the number one people in my space

yeah her name resume yeah special skills that, computers and sexuality. So then she had a show where it was her and a man. They replay it on Canadian television on Much More Music and Much Music Ad Nauseam. But that would be a good name for the network, Ad Nauseam. Yeah, Much Music Ad Nauseam. Yeah, like an extra tier of that programming where it's just, they just play the same thing. The OC. The Hogan knows best. But,

so yeah, the show is, it was her and then there's a team, a squadron of men, squadron of women, both slutty. And she kind of had sex with both, all of them.

In a big hot tub. So my story, my show, my reality show, it takes 15 years to make. It's a long-term show. It's called Tequila Tequila Shot at Fame. And what happens is it kind of picks up where that show kind of left off. The viewers in on it is that they go to tk we want to make another shot at love right so we're going to follow you around with the cameras but during that she gets a phone call for an audition right she goes in she nails the audition she gets an ad it's an ad

but then a producer sees her and like over the next 10 years like she gets better and better parts right but all the while none of these movies are being made these are all just But then a producer sees her and over the next 10 years, she gets better and better parts. But all the while, none of these movies are being made. These are all just produced by the reality TV show. They're not actual films. She's going to red carpet things like you and I are there for reporters. I'm from the fake times. Can you say a quote?

Is that what you ask? She doesn't know. That's what reporters say. We're printing up fake tabloid things. Can I make a picture with you? Yeah. Then she makes a movie like this is going to be it. This is the Oscar winning thing.

She makes the movie. Huge buzz. Oscar buzz. Right? Yeah. She gets all excited. The camera's still following her around. It's like documenting everything.

Then the Oscar night, whoever it is is reading the awards. Glenn Close, let's say. Sure. Let's say. She wins the Oscar. She's thrilled. This is it. This is a crowning achievement it Then she walks off stage to the interview portion

It's everybody that was on the show The shot at love Are all there dressed the same way They're all in bathing suits But they're 15 years older And they all throw limes at her And that's when the big reveal comes on And they're like it was all fake

You don't have an Oscar And they just break it and it's filled with confetti or whatever. And that's the end of the show. It's a 15 year show. What do you think? I like it. Would it air for 15 years? Yes. Wow. Oh, so it's like the Truman Show. The rest of the world knows, but you gotta keep her in her own world.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a gated community. And she becomes like a new kind of form of celebrity that's one that we can all talk about, but nobody interacts with her except the chosen few. What do you think? Do you think we should shoot it in secret and then just air it as one season? Yeah, I think so.

I do think so because I think she's too bright. You're right. She is on the ball. She's sharp as a tack. sharp as a tack um i had a uh uh when i went to tv production school uh afterwards i heard that a guy i was in school with uh started up this website called 100 days to fame i think it was 100 it may have been 500 yeah uh whatever's catch here i like 100 more. Yeah, me too. And it was him. And we went to school for behind the scenes stuff, like production. And this guy was kind of an a-hole.

No one really liked him. And he was just kind of a jerk to everyone. And when he made his We All Get to Make a TV Show, he made one of them and he called it a His Name film, like a John Smith film. Oh, man. You know, here's the thing. But anyway.

Oh, sorry. I'll get back to that. That's not the thing, apparently. No. So he started up this website, 100 Days to Fame, with him and some random girl. And they were just going to try and with him and some random girl and they were just gonna try to be famous and document it but i guess the gimmick was that they were documenting it

right and uh i went to the website and i think it's it's probably still up and about like 30 days in they just give up and then you see a post about 30 days in and then you see a post about 30 days in, and then you see another post about 85 days in. And at the beginning, they're trying all this stuff like, we're giving away an iPod. To what? Like what? Just to a person on the street? No. And just say, hey, like me now?

Yeah, basically. It was a contest for no reason. And yeah, I'm sure he's not famous. That guy's name was Adrian Brody. Oh, don't name him. No, you're going to make him too famous. Adrian Brody. There was a weird story that I heard about.

It was like a... I don't think it was in America. I think it was in like Austria or something, where it was like kind of a daytime television show and one of the people involved with the show, they put them in an apartment for a year. This was many years ago. And they had to live off of stuff

that you could order through the internet. And the weird thing was, about the thing was, at the beginning of that year, it was quite a rarity yeah to order things off the internet but because the internet moved so fast by the end of the year like things like ebay were so commonplace that people just stopped watching that thing so there was a guy ostensibly he was in this place performing for a television show that was no longer filming his antics because they just

lost interest but kind of one of the things of the show was that he didn't have a phone right he had no contact he only had an internet connection and apparently nobody decided to hit him to the fact that he would not go to a web with no groups that would like be talking about this because no like because i mean they just kind of shut it down. And he continued on with the thing. Could he exit? Is the door locked? No, no, yeah, at the end of the year he just walked out. Oh, at the end of the year the door opens.

But like... I don't know if it was locked. That's a good question. But I know that they stopped broadcasting his antics halfway through due to lack of interest. But he didn't stop. That's like if you canceled a show... And didn't tell them.

Or they just decided to keep doing it. But they kept funding him. Yeah. Yeah. He still had the funding, but they just stopped airing his antics. I buy everything online anyway. Do you? Yeah.

But this is back when it wasn't quite a thing. Right. Anyways. i have a reality show okay this is my reality show and it seems almost too obvious because like you get your your tina tequila who is my favorite no no i'm talking about the hannah barbara character with dippy dog and quick draw trying to do a dirty dirty thing there uh but couldn't, and fair enough. Since it's all degrading, why not make it someone who's in the S&M scene,

and it's a sub, and you've got to do degrading things. Well, obviously, you've got to do degrading things, so it actually works, and it's America's next top bottom. I like that. I enjoyed the trip and the destination. And the button. It's a joke, but I also think it would work. I don't disagree with that. I enjoyed the trip and the destination. And the wordplay and the button.

It's a joke, but I also think it would work. I don't disagree with that. My reality TV show is called Air Guitar Academy. Yeah. You take 52 of the world's best air guitar players, and it's a year-long show. Send them to Police Academy. The show is hosted by the most flamboyant guitar player available,

Tom Petty. Yeah. And Tila Tequila. And? And Jerry from Season 2 of Survivor. The rest writes itself. Yeah. What's the ultimate prize?

Win it again if you win. You get a recording contract with an in-air studio. What's Dr. Demento's label? I don't know. Rhino. Rhino. Rhino Records. The thing I was going to say

when you were saying a film buy, I believe it was during the summer when i went to go see iron man that it was it was labeled as a john favreau film i was like okay wait a minute it's an iron man film first nobody's like oh the favreau touch like it was a great i really enjoyed it but there is no favrero ization of a film unless iron man went and did the scene from swingers that's famous right uh m night shiomalon uh has gotten on the and m night shiomalon film but he started on the m night films for sure yeah still a little yeah i like i like why i like about favro with iron man was he was in a shitty marvel movie

he was in daredevil and you could tell like he was in there going oh just let me do it man just let me direct this thing i'll fix this you didn't like daredevil explain yourself in detail what didn't you like was it the jennifer garner was it the ben affleck was it the fight in the playground for no damn reason? I don't remember it. Or it's a woman fighting a blind man. Yeah. And everyone's cheering.

Not like that's the most horrible thing in the world. People in the movie are cheering? You would try to stop immediately. It would be like an old lady fighting a guy in a wheelchair. You wouldn't be standing around cheering. You would try to stop it immediately. I don't remember the movie. I saw it in the theater, but now I feel like I need to

re-watch it. Here's a question, Ian, because you're a comic book guy. What is the worst comic book adaptation movie that you've ever seen? Now take your time with it. What's the worst? No, I'm with you on that. I would say...

Captain America. Captain America's up there. There's the worst? No, I'm with you on that. Oh, you're Captain America. Yeah, Captain America's up there. There's no doubt about it. Let me just throw a recent one at you and say Wanted was pretty damn bad. Now, that was Angelina Jolie. That was a comic book? That was a comic book, yeah. It was a Mark Millar comic book.

And it was one of the two movies that year that had a character actually saying to you, once I was a loser, just like you. What was the other movie? Jumper. Oh, right. Which started with like, hey, fucker. I was like, well, what are you insulting me for? I'm here to see a nice movie.

Why are you being an asshole to me? Why are you watching it at one in the afternoon? Don't you have a job? What's your problem? Why are you by yourself? You're like me. afternoon. Don't you have a job? What's your problem? You're an assassin like me.

But what bugged me about it was it made no sense at all. Like the loom of fate. Okay, there's a couple things. One, you set up a loom of fate. A giant loom. A loom tells them who to kill. That's right. This is in Wanted. Have you seen Wanted?

No, I haven't. These concepts will seem strange to you. But here's the thing. This is the reason I haven't seen it. Because on the poster... You hate weaving. Well, no. I mean, you know...

And the band The Weavers. I wear a weave. People should know that at home, that I wear a weave. But no, it's the picture on the poster of Angelina Jolie holding this gun. Her arm is no bigger than my wrist. So how could her arm support a gun it's a huge gun there's no so i was like well i'm not even gonna well you know what she's supporting that movie which was you know a lot weaker than her arm fair enough it was all right i don't want to spoil it did you like the movie dave yeah because what is the thing they gotta

curve the bullets it's a lot of fun it's a good time well you got a guy with superpowers off the top then no one's got superpowers after that you know and then at the end basically he finds out everything he's been doing with no spoilers is wrong everything you've done is wrong all the people you killed are wrong all these hundreds of people you murdered are incorrect uh you've been played for a sucker the whole time and it ends with him cocky just looking at you going hey what have you done with your life I haven't murdered a city

mistakenly it was McAvoy no LaBeouf was Transformers which I walked out of that was just an absolutely horrible film well someone's too good for Transformers I think we can end the podcast there uh so your vote was for captain america i never saw it but i look terrible i don't think

it even it is terrible fake rubber ears though oh what for the for the mask like they put the mask in the comic book he's got his ears sticking out but they didn't do that they just added fake rubber prosthetic ears onto the mask batman and robin was really bad the jules trulock or batman and robin batman and robin is worse than wanted yes easily i haven't even seen wanted and i'm gonna assume okay i'm giving you yeah you know what the want at least batman and robin um tried something and they and it went horrible. Wanted didn't give a damn. They didn't give. There's absolutely no logic to it whatsoever. Fine.

I'll agree, though. It's horrific. You're right. They're both abortions. Are you saying that abortions are horrific? I support a woman's right to abortion. The worst one I've seen... Abortion, I mean. The worst movie, superhero movie I've seen abortion I mean the worst movie superhero movie I've seen was

the original not the one that made it to theaters but the original attempt at making a fantastic foreign movie you've seen it? yeah it was never supposed to be released no and I've seen the bootleg copy I even hesitate in saying it's the worst are there any stars in it?

no actually the worst i would say probably was that second punisher that just came out with whatever his name was thomas pain or that was good i like that one i'm sorry i like that one no no the most recent one no yeah yeah yeah the sequel yeah the guy from we're just blowing the guy's faces off and was he in rome yeah sorry i like that one too. Fair enough. But the original Fantastic Four, I'm sure there must be clips on YouTube or something, but they do, like, they had no budget, right? So the thing looks like if a grade six class

was doing a production of the Fantastic Four and put together a thing costume. Like, it's all just foam. It's all foam. And then Mr. Fantastic the mr fantastic he stretches right that's his thing he can stretch his limbs but they did the old timey thing where his hand would reach out a frame and then you would cut to another thing and his head would be reaching into frame like someone's shooting a basketball and then you just see the hoop with the ball going yes yeah well the human torch, when he turned into the torch, which I think he did once, they just cut to a cartoon and not an animated cartoon.

A drawing. Basically like a drawing on a stick that they just drag along the sky. It's something else. Well, that's it. That's a Roger Corman. It was a Roger Corman? Oh, yeah, That's a Roger Corman. It was a Roger Corman? Oh, yeah, it was Roger Corman. I think we talked about Wanted once before, because it had Morgan Freeman swearing in it.

Yeah, that's right. He said the MF word, the mother effer. Curve the bullet, mother effer. Yeah, and I think when we mentioned it, this is 40 episodes ago. Yeah. We mentioned that Death Race also had a swear word in it. But we didn't mention what that was. And then I have subsequently seen Death Race.

Which I love. And it has Joan Allen. Oh, yeah, because it was Morgan Freeman swearing and you never see him swear. And then Joan Allen swore and you never saw her swear before and she said something about shitting on a sidewalk. Oh man. That was better than I expected Death Race. I came in there

real low with the expectations. I go into every Statham movie with the highest of expectations and I am not disappointed. I love that a remake it was a remake of a movie into every statham movie with the highest of expectations and i am not disappointed i love that a remake uh it was a remake of a movie uh which was originally called death race 2000 wasn't it that's right yeah yeah and uh yeah we've we've passed 2000 we're past it i think we talked about that one time on the podcast where i saw a movie and they were like it's the year 1996 and i was watching it in 1997.

But it hadn't come out that long ago. It was made in 1992. So they thought there was going to be a fundamental shift in the next four years to post-apocalyptic. Yeah, I think the Transformers animated movie either takes place in 2005. 2010. 2010, okay. I believe it does.

I think it's for the Olympics. So that shit can still go down. Oh, yeah, I think it's for the Olympics. It might be, yeah. Five? I thought maybe 15. No think it's for the Olympics. So that shit can still go down. Oh yeah, I think it's for the Olympics. It might be, yeah. I thought maybe 15. No, now you're off. That's crazy. Now you're off the charts. Get out of here.

Orson Welles' last film. Oh, good for him. He kicked it up a notch. That's a giant planet-eating planet. Don't forget all about that morbid obesity. What you're doing is just eating through the whole movie. Excellent. Poor guy.

Enjoy. Give him a break. What's the quote that he said? He's the only guy in Hollywood that started off making the best movie ever made and everything else is... Like, he started out his career at the peak. Well, how about Rob Reiner? Like, Rob Reiner started with Spinal Tap.

Oh, my God. I watched Spinal Tap. Oh, my God. I watched Spinal Tap. It was on TV on Saturday. It's a near-perfect movie. And then from that point on... Oh, he made The Princess Bride. Yeah. Which is pretty.

He's making, you know, just, I don't know, a couple of people and they got a dog or some nonsense. Yeah, no, I mean, certainly he has slipped, but in his time he made... Because he made When Harry Met Sally, too. So he had a good run. And same with Orson Welles. made When Harry Met Sally, too. So he had a good run. And same with Orson Welles. No, you're right, Orson Welles. You've got your touch of evil in you or what have you.

But here's the thing about Spinal Tap. Are you a fan? Yeah. You're a fan. I watched it on Saturday night, and I've seen it probably a hundred times, but it was just on AMC. So I watched it again, just start to finish. Is there a movie that has come out since?

I'm thinking about a couple possibilities that is as consistently funny start to finish, just from the very first scene to the very last fucking bit of the credits that's as funny as This Is Spinal Tap. I'd say there's very few contenders.

And that was in 1982 when it came out? Is that right? 1982 or 1984? Yeah, something close to that. I would say close to 84. I bought the album, I think, in like 85. So well over 20 years ago. What else has come up?

It's been like that, where the very first thing you see is hilarious, the very last thing you see is hilarious, and everything in between. Like, I laugh at things that may not be funny. When I saw... There's something about Mary. Yeah, that's funny. I saw it like three times in the theater. I couldn't get over it.

Well, I thought Napoleon Dynamite was very funny when it first came out. Probably doesn't age well, though. No, no. But when I saw it in the theater... We can't watch it a second time. That's the thing about Spinal Tap. I saw it five times. Yeah, Spinal Tap, you can see over and over and over again. I mean, it's the movie that you laughed at so

hard the first time versus the movie you can laugh at over and over again. What about Borat? That Borat's got to be somewhere in that neighborhood. It's pretty good, but can you watch that one over and over again? I've only, I've watched it twice and I laughed really hard both times. I think that's the last DVD I bought. Was Borat?

Before I realized I'm never watching anything more than once. Although here's what happened to me the other day. I wanted to see a DVD and I've got a bad habit of returning my DVDs late so I've got to get on the Netflix. That's what I've got to do. That's the DVDs late. So I've got to get on the Netflix. That's what I've got to do. That's the thing for me.

But I'm not on it. So I return things late, and they end up costing me like $12 for one rental. So now I've just started buying them at the bargain bins at Safeway or whatever. And then I just watch whatever. I watched The Transporter the other night. $10. It would have cost me easily double that if I had rented it. Transporter 1? Yeah, yeah. I'd never seen

Transporter 1. That's alright. I mean, I think Spinal Tap is one of those perfect movies. Like, Jaws, Raiders of the Lost Ark, there's like nothing in there that you go, yeah, you know what, I'd take this bit out and then it's fine. Do we need the shark? But I would

and not to just blow smoke with you you guys but i would say uh like that crank movie which you which you like so much and talk quite a bit about i don't think you're blowing smoke i'm just i'm just telling you it's very flattering that you enjoy i watched i watched it like two months ago for the first time and just went oh shit this is uh for the type of movie this is this is the best type of movie this is. And I have high hopes for the sequel. Oh, I'm looking forward to that like Christmas. My God. I almost

brought you guys fake tattoos of Crank. They had some of those in Seattle at a comic con. I don't know why the word almost was mixed in there at all. Because I just left them at home. Do we want to launch into another segment? Sure.

Sure. What are you made of? Can you see with both your eyes? Look in the distance. It's easy if you try. Watch all the movies. And don't waste your time. Just give it a line.

One line. Graham's dead. This is a segment we haven't done for a while. And because we're talking movies, we're in heated discussions about movies. And this is a segment as my dad, he was a movie fan. But if he watches a movie and you ask him for his, you know, what do you think of the movie? He has a way of just giving a one-line review. And that's it.

So, for example, what would be a good example? Give me a movie. What's something we've done in a previous episode? The Fugitive. A guy jumps out of a pipe. Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Harrison Ford.

No, a guy from Indiana Jones jumps out of a pipe. It, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Harrison Ford. No, a guy from Indiana Jones jumps out of a pipe. It was pretty good. And that's usually how he would write it. It would be pretty good. Give it a miss. Those are the only two options. Yeah. Those are the only two options. Pretty much. You either see a movie or you don't.

You pay your money, thumbs up. My dad's astute that way. The opposite. But Dave's got a couple of movies and i'll see if i can uh okay home alone oh um okay oh uh the uh the kid orders an all cheese pizza and uh he scares away some burglars by using Christmas decorations. Give it a miss.

He hated that movie. Dirty Dancing. Dirty Dancing. Oh, the guy from Law and Order doesn't want this girl hanging out with Patrick Swayze, the guy hanging out with Patrick Swayze. The guy from Ghost, Patrick Swayze.

And they do that dance that your mom took me to those dance lessons to learn how to do. Give it a miss. We mentioned this earlier in the episode. Swingers. Oh, there's the guy that he was in that episode of friends and he wanted to be a cage fighter he calls his girlfriend a bunch of times on the answering machine it's really embarrassing uh pretty good uh a guy calls his friend money oh yeah exactly I forgot about that thank you

big oh Tom Hanks dances on a giant piano pretty good you nailed that one scream no wait scream

oh oh yeah you know how uh drew barrymore's in it for a minute she gets killed in the first minute give it a miss uh people bet on these probably at home oh yeah yeah certainly money down you know just before graham starts talking slam your body down and wind it all around. Boogity Nights. Oh. You wait the whole movie,

everybody's talking about this guy's penis, and then you see it again, no big deal, give it a miss. That was delightful. That really is that. Did I ever tell you my story about seeing Boogie Nights in the theater? No. Maybe.

Probably. It's one of about three or four times where somebody's heckle actually made the experience better. And that's what the heckle was. Because it's a long movie to be sitting in the theater. And at the end of the movie, you're almost kind of like friends with everybody in the theater. Because you've just been on this three and a half hour odyssey. And at the end of the movie, everybody's penis, penis, penis. And then at the end, you finally see this penis.

And there's a guy way at the back of the theater. Just almost to himself. Because it's a very quiet moment. There's no music or anything. He goes, That's it. Big deal. Everybody in the theater is like,

And it just ruined whatever effect they were going for. And then the credits roll because that's the last thing you see, right? Isn't it? Yeah. You get an eyeful. It's like when I went and saw Saw, the first Saw movie,

there was a part in it where it's very quiet. And there's just been all this horrible violence for the last 45 minutes. And it's really quiet. And the camera's kind of creeping along. And it's showing this creepy room. And then somebody somewhere in the theater just goes, I'm scared. And everybody just lost their mind laughing and then everything after that was hilarious then it became a big yuck fest have you ever screamed at a movie or like yelled something out oh no no or like been like so scared

no no like scared oh been so scared at a movie? When I saw... The thing is, here's my thing with going to a movie. If I go to a movie with somebody who gets really jumpy, and, you know, like the cat jumps down out of nowhere and they jump, I love it. It enhances the experience a million times, but it also puts me on edge,

because I'm like, are they going to jump at this part? Sit next to a bag of firecrackers. Yeah, yeah. So it puts me on edge because I'm like, are they going to jump at this part? Sit next to a bag of firecrackers. Yeah, yeah. So it puts me on edge that they're on edge. And so I saw the redo of Friday the 13th, the latest kind of version of it. And that's all that movie is, is just random make the audience jump. That's the entire plot of the movie. Quiet, quiet, quiet. But I was with

Alicia Tobin and she is the bag of firecrackers when it comes to just the and that's the last time that I made audible noises. Have you yelled? Ian?

What freaks me out is when something walks across the screen. That'll freak me out. Yeah, you hate the perambulists. Do I? In Sixth Sense, where the kid's taking a whiz, and then some ghost just walks quickly in front of him.

I probably yelled during that. And Exorcist 3, which is not a good movie by any means, but there's a long scene where you're looking down a hallway and nothing is going on, and nothing is going on, and nothing is going on, and the nurse just walks by, and then someone's just walking immediately by to kill her, and it just scares the holy shit out of you.

Well, that is... Yeah, okay, now that I'm thinking of it... Long hallway, long pause, just have something happen for me. Have you seen The Orphanage? No, no, I haven't. Oh, man. Oh, with the kid with the mask and... Yeah, there's so many... way long pause just have something happen have you seen the orphanage uh no no oh man oh with a kid with the mask and yeah there's so many i watched it at home and i became like one of those people that i i guess go to theaters as well but i just kept doing this no no no no no um uh the one for me is uh the uh in arachnophobia there's a part where jeff daniels is jeff daniels

yeah uh is looking down uh i think it's a pipe uh and there's a spider a spider even just talking about a spider no no no no and uh he looks he looks he doesn't see anything. So there's like a second of relief. And the spider jumps. And that's probably the last time I've screamed at a movie because I was so embarrassed from that one scream when I was 10. Oh, man.

Was that a Disney film? I'm remembering it as being like a film that was from a company that shouldn't be making this. It was, yeah. It was a little, like for a horror movie, it was pretty wholesome. They'd have like real wholesome moments and then something really awful would happen, which makes it even more awful. You know what was a really tense movie that, well, like, I watched it by myself, too. It wasn't a horror movie or anything, but No Country for Old Men. you anything but um no country for old men that was a real kind of like you know everything that happened was really horrifying and suspenseful and you know what i mean like be by yourself

during that it's no fun because you're just squeezing uh the armrest you're not you know but uh that's something you want to see at home where you can scream yeah there's a scene in there where he's uh in a in a river and he's there a dog is chasing him is swimming after him and i saw that with abby and i was laughing so hard because i was just imagining our dog grandpa trying to chase him when it killed him and uh she's like uh it's too early in the movie for this guy to die. The dog's got to die. So she was not happy about my laughing.

That would be a terrifying name for a movie that's never been named for a movie. Grandpa. Yeah. Grandpa's coming after you. Ooh, yeah. Maybe Clint Howard

could be grandpa. Like a 20-year-old young granddaughter or grandson. Right, right, right.old young granddaughter or grandson. You want a granddaughter, though. In a horror movie, you want it to be a gal. Sure. Because she can do horrible things to the person at the end,

and you don't feel bad then, because that's a nice young lady. That's all right. Fair enough. Because we're pro-choice. Yeah, that's right. It's empowering and not wrong. We're just celebrating our inner diva. But a good, horrible grandpa.

I think I would nominate the guy who is in the Dr. Giggles. Oh, yeah. He's definitely age two. Mentally challenged guy from L.A. Law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's super creepy. He needs the work, too.

What's happening to him? That guy in Dr. Giggles... Was he in Picket Fences, too, maybe? No. He was in the Ice... No, that was Clint Howard, I'm thinking. Ice Cream Man, the horror movie. Well, what would you think of him in?

Because he's the mentally challenged big guy. You're not going to cast him as that again. And he's the big, crazy, evil doctor. You're not going to cast him as that again. Yeah. He's not really your go-to guy. If Broadway's doing a run of Mice and Men forever, he could do that. Wouldn't that be great to make a movie that was like a rom-com, but it was somebody like him falling in love with somebody like Joan Cusack?

So it's like the kissing scenes are really uncomfortable to watch. The comedy's hilarious. Yeah, the comedy's great. It's a great fun time that you know any of the affectionate parts it kind of puts you on edge but then you can be like in a horror movie like where you're like no no no you'd feel you'd feel like a kid you'd feel like you're a kid and you don't want to see the romantic things right because it's just gross yeah but you feel like you're six and like i don't want to see, I don't want to see this. I don't want to see the lady kiss the guy. Do you remember seeing nudity or sex scenes in movie theaters with your parents? I just recently watched a movie.

I think it was actually Boogie Nights. I was watching with my mom not but three months ago. And that was still uncomfortable. That level of uncomfort, I'm proud to say, never goes away. That never subsides. We rented, this was back before people had VCRs because I'm incredibly old. And so I was doing something on TV, so my dad rented the VCR to record my show. And then went, well, since we got to get a couple of movies.

So we got Dragon Slayer. Absolutely fine. We all enjoy Dragon Slayer. Baton Cruz? all enjoy dragon that was not the video game uh no uh that was a peter mcnichol i believe from ghostbusters 2 and uh numbers oh the guy that played john numbers uh and uh and also an unmarried woman And so grandma, grandpa And the whole family sat down to watch an unmarried woman Which couldn't have more nudity It's just this woman and her coming of age And fucking every guy

Well she's not married And she's a woman after all So yeah so we all have to sit And it could not be more quiet No one will leave Because no one wants to acknowledge that this is wrong. We're all just kind of waiting for someone to make the first move and turn this off or do something. No one does.

And we sit and we watch that whole movie. And it's just one of the most uncomfortable times. I'm about 14, so I'm sort of enjoying it. I'm hoping to watch this later when everyone goes to bed. Yeah. But you only have the VCR for a limited time. And it's a loud VCR. It's a top loader.

So I've got to put a pillow on it. My parents have... I guess we have a lot of old tapes that we have from the early VCR days. And they're so heavy. Yeah. This was a top loader, too. And they're so heavy. Yeah. Yeah. This was a top loader, too.

Yeah. It was a little kunk, kunk, kunk. And you didn't put it down. But you know what? The place I lived at before I lived here, we had a top loader. Just it was still around. And those things are indestructible. They're still around.

Whoever owned one still owns one unless they got rid of it unfortunately they don't have remote controls or no no totally they don't but the mechanism will never break like vcrs that you bought towards the end of the time of vcrs were so fragile and so breakable but those ones were like little tanks that would never ever break and so breakable, but those ones were like little tanks that would never, ever break. But nobody's got VCRs anymore. That's over. That's done, right?

I mean, I have one, but... You're right, yes. Where can you even buy VHS tapes? A dollar store. A thrift store. Sure. Yeah, exactly. Zoetropes, also gone.

Done. At their day. What's a zoetrope? Yeah, I see I'mropes, also gone. Done. Had their day. What's a zoetrope? Yeah, I see I'm an older guy than you. That was what the original kind of films were on, those big round circular things where you'd watch a horse jump. And you'd like it. Oh, yes.

Do you want to wrap this mother humper up? I sure do. Ian, do you have anything upcoming that you want to promote? Sure. A couple of things. We've got shows at Shyvana in Vancouver, if you're in Vancouver, every Monday night at 8.30. Now, could you tell people where that is? Because it's in a good location.

Yeah, it's 4th and Vine. Across from the Safeway? Across from the Safeway. If you're going shopping, do your shopping. Don't buy frozen items, but anything else you want, then come across the street. Sure. And the goods goods that's right and also

my sketch group Canadian Content if you're going to be in England over the summer we're going to be in England at the Leicester Square Theatre

really? doing shows for August yeah for like are you there for like a week in August? no for a month wow

you're in Leicester Square London town we're renting a theatre for a month in August? No, for a month. Wow. You're in Leicester Square. London town. We're renting a theater for a month. That's what you do, right? You rent a theater in London. That makes sense, right? That's what I've always done. That's what you mean by you.

Yeah. So anyway, we're also promoting our new album, Can Exploitation, which all of this information is on our website. As soon to be available on iTunes. Hopefully. Yeah. And available on iTunes. Hopefully. And your website is. You're absolutely right. I don't even know if I should say www, but I will.

That sounds condescending. World weird web. There you go. Does anyone have a top-loading internet? Canadiancontentsketch.ca. Canadiancontentsketch.ca. And also buy Futurama and Simpsons comic books.

Do it. Do it. What's your wife's comic book called? It's called Why the Last Man, which you can see every week on Chuck. It's in his bedroom. Oh, okay. A big poster on the wall. I thought Chuck was a channel, like Spike.

Like Dave in England. The Chuck Awards. Okay, we could play a track from your CD, from Canadian Content CD at the end of the show. We'll do that. Certainly, and if you guys out there, bumpers, you've always been so wonderful

with writing in and commenting on things. I can't remember what the issue was earlier in the show that I said to write in and comment on, but certainly if you have a, what's the worst superhero movie adaptation you've ever seen, I'd like to hear. I'd like to read that.

We had some good votes here, but maybe you've seen ones that we haven't. Also, so you can send those to StopPodcastingYourself at gmail.com Also, we have a phone number. It's 206-339-8328 Sorry, that's 206-339-8328. Sorry, that's 206-339-8328. And, yeah, call us with any overheards, anything.

Yeah, anything that you want to say in audio form. And also, please do check out the recap blog. It's the good companion piece that comes out every week with the podcast. It is at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com. And thank you so much for listening. Please come back next week. Tell your friends if you enjoyed it. That's how this podcast grows. And like I say, come back next week for another enthralling edition of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Hey, everybody. Okay. You guys having a good time tonight? Good, good. Okay. You guys having a good time tonight? Good, good. Okay, our next comedian, this is his first time up on stage, so please give it up for Mr. Toby Berner. Hey, everybody. Hi.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, thanks for letting me try out some stand-up for the first time. I'm a little nervous, so thanks for being understanding. Well, listen, I just got back from the UK, and I don't know if you've been out to London, but

they have crossing guards there, the same as we have here, but there they call them Lollipop Men. I know, it's true. I can't make this stuff up. It's true, so I guess what would their union be called? The Lollipop Man. I know, it's true. Balderdash! I can't make this stuff up, you know, it's true. So, I guess, what would their union be called? The Lollipop Guild? Poppycock! So, yeah, there's been some attacks recently, and I guess, you know, if you hit a Lollipop Man...

Sassafras! Sir, please, I'm trying to do stand-up here. It's very difficult to deal with a heckler. Oh, I'm not just a heckler. I'm a 1920s heckler. Oh, great. Do I enjoy your act? I 23 skid-don't. Oh, man, this is the worst thing that can happen to a first-time stand-up.

My wife just got the vote, and she votes you're terrible. I can't let him win. I can't let him win. Oh, yeah? Well, uh... I'm enjoying this about as much as my last bout of polio. Ah, damn, that was a good one. Oh, man, I'm totally... Oh, oh, oh! That joke was about as good an idea as the Edsel.

Hey, I'm a heckler from the 50s. Oh, no, now there's two hecklers. See, this is what happens when you can't control the first one, then another one pipes up. Oh, my God. This is as big a bomb as the Halifax explosion. Oh, your act is flying about as good as the plane carrying Richie Valen's buddy, Holly, and the Big Bopper.

Oh, I'm from the 50s. Don't listen to him, man. You're hilarious. Oh, good, finally. Somebody's not heckling me. No, I'm a heckler. But I'm a heckler from the mid-80s. And I'm high on coke, man.

I think everything's funny. Hey, man, we should all go out and have unprotected sex. I hope we don't get herpes. That's the worst thing that could happen. Herpes. I'm from the mid-80s. Ah! Tell you what, folks. I'm sorry. I just can't handle this pressure of three hecklers.

I'm just going to have to pass it on to somebody else. Sorry. Thanks for dealing with me for a little bit. Good night. You suck, Bert.