Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 583 - Kevin Lee

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

Improviser Kevin Lee returns to talk ghost trains, veggie burger, and getting misty at the Avengers.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 583 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, even though this is coming out near the end of May, is today celebrating May the 4th Be With You Day. Dave Shovka. Yeah, they call it May the 4th Be With You Day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I, yeah, so we, now we just record things weeks and weeks in advance yeah uh because our guests we're not the view no we're not the view like who cares but then why would we be talking about this specific day because it only comes once a year and it's a it's a big celebration i woke up early i put up my yoda tree yeah you made uh pancake yoda pancake you're yoda only right yoda centric um i uh i mean if it was like christmas i jerked off to a wookie is it by the time this comes out it'll be weeks old so it's fine yeah okay um yeah okay but my thing is here's my thing here's my hot take on star wars day um why do we have to do it yeah why do we all have to participate in like with christmas christmas is over they don't release a christmas movie a few

months later they should don't release a jingle all the way sequel in march yeah yeah but we're gonna have to do star wars again in december that's true why don't they just release it in may so that we used to yeah you know what that's when may the 4th didn't exist i mean it existed but it was just my sister's birthday oh happy birthday thanks um our happy birthday! Our guest today, a returning guest to the podcast, one of our all-time faves. He's one member of the Sunday Service that performs every

Sunday at the Fox Cabaret. One-sixth? One-seventh. One-sixth. It's Kevin Lee, everybody. Hi, everybody. Oh, I forgot he's very quiet. Oh, yeah, he's got a letter in his head lot of hi everybody oh you're so cute and you sleep i was awake sleeping next to you is that what you think asmr i think that's 100% what it is isn't it asmr is a video you're watching in your sleep

and and it's just somebody telling you how cute you look while you're sleeping. It comes on in the middle of the night. Your phone lights up. Hi. Hi. You're sleeping. Sorry did I wink you. You look so cute. You look so cute when you're waking up from a phone. Do you want to hear me fold laundry with my mouth? That's what I think it is. Somebody just told me that they have microphones

that are ear-shaped and then they like lick them and stuff. No. Very strange people and some people like it's not like a sex thing but for some people it must be i think for all people even the people who are like listening to the the asmr of like an orange being peeled there's like some level of like a little of the deep down satisfaction that's like got its feet in the pool of, in Eros' pool. I, uh, I don't, I, I've watched some, like, cause I've heard people describe you either have it or you don't. Like you either have that, uh, reaction. Yeah.

Uh, I don't have it. You either have it or you don't. But like when you just said peeling an orange, there's something like, I do do there's a feeling when you an orange gets peeled perfectly yeah yeah oh yeah well it's just called uh satisfaction with a job well i guess so yeah i will admit that even though i was just busting the asmr i do subscribe to some like instagram channels where it's like like a knife cutting through some like weird sand stuff oh like the oddly satisfying kind of yeah that type of thing sometimes i do like looking at that stuff because it is the orange thing

where for some reason it's like you see a thing and here's here i don't know what that is here my sexual here my sexual i want to fuck some sand fetishes yeah and i want my dick to get cut like sand for me it's uh putting my dick in the hydraulic press. Oh, yeah. A bunch of little dicks come out. Let's see. Getting my dick really dirty and having a power washer. Spray it off nice and clean. I just want to have a black background and my balls are up in the air and a bullet goes through it in slow motion. We're not that kind of show.

And the insides of an apple explode out of it. I mean, this is no one's first episode, but we're not that kind of show and the insides of an apple i mean this is no one's first episode but we're not that kind of no i think it's just the giddiness of may 4th you guys have an e for explicit on your on your thing don't you i mean i guess yeah yeah yeah but you were a gentleman ah yes do you want to get to know us? Sure Get to know us Kevin Yes How are you? I'm well Yeah?

How are you? I'm alright, thank you What's going on for you, Graham? Dodge real fast Man, he really turned the table to me there Yeah, boy Verbal judo Judo

What's new? It's been about a year since you were on the podcast Yeah, it's been a year What's new? What a year I don't know, honestly This is a year where I guess like

I started a podcast with Alicia I think I talked about this last time I was on That I was going to Yeah, that you were going to But now it's in full it's in full swing it's swinging it's called

Super Sick Podcast um it will meet you over there okay now we're on Super Sick Podcast I have um I have this weird

ASMR thing yeah like seeing a power washer sometimes when I eat too much food I feel full too full? no yeah if I eat too much food, I feel full. Too full? No, yeah.

If I eat too much, yeah. That's sort of my condition. I have a weird relationship with food. It fills me up and then it empties. Empties out. Empties out. As if by magic. Yeah, yeah.

It turns into a different thing altogether. Then I cut it with a knife with a microphone attached to it. Yeah. So, I mean, I brought that up because I talk about most of my sickness stuff on there. So you can't talk about it with us. Yeah. How's your heart?

I worry about you every day. Yeah. It's all right. I had to get defibrillated for the first time in a year and a half about a month ago. I'm going to defibrillate. I'm just going to. Clear.

That's the noise I make. Just like that turtle that's having a time. I'm trying to clean it up. I'm trying to clean it up. Is the turtle eating a strawberry? No, there's a turtle like. Oh, having a sex? Yeah, having a.

Dipping his toe into Eros' pool. And at first you're like, oh, that's cute. And then you're like, this is really disturbing. Why am I watching this poor thing? So turtle having sex. What else is going on? What else is going on? Yeah, so I got defibrillated.

I told the story on the other podcast, but I could tell it again because why not why not yeah uh uh yeah so the last time i went in the time before this past time i remember i uh they put you on this drug called propofol which we've probably spoken michael jackson drug the michael jackson drug and it makes you say crazy stuff like you kind of just like are like oh i'm starting to feel woozy and then i don't remember anything until i'm coming out of it um uh but for you that's weird because you all always say crazy stuff to begin with that's right so think about get ready yeah uh so one time uh when i was gonna get defibrillated i was on that drug and i started to fade out and they're all like kind of fluttering around me getting getting me ready to to get shocked and they uh and uh i said um i was like looking around at everybody

and i said uh hey let's go around the room and I'll say what our deepest fear is. Mine is this. And then they all started laughing and I was like, oh, yeah. And immediately passed out. I was like so proud of myself. You were trying to lead a team building exercise. Got the room. Got them.

Trying to lead a team building exercise. Yeah. Got the room. Got him. If you can't crank up a room for the working doctor who's about to kill you and then bring you back to life, you're not a comedian. So that set the bar really high for this time where I was like, I had this thought in my mind where I'm like, I got to make him laugh. And I'm like, no, I don't. Relax.

You're getting your heart shot. I'm like, I have to make him laugh. We're going to have some new material. So, bus stops. Couldn't it be a bus don't stop for me

because I look gross? I don't know. Propofol. I hate to see amateur profol. Hey, what's this guy? The doctor of jerking me off?

Don't jerk me off, doc. I heard about you doc I heard about you I heard about you softest hands in the ER don't try and take my seed that's like all my jokes are about them stealing my seed it's like super specific

it's you doing crowd work it's just super specific this guy you gonna watch this guy he's gonna jerk me off he's gonna take my seed my top tier seed maybe it is that kind of show

sorry guys oh it's wonderful you're a master so I had really high expectations this time through which is always the worst like you kind of set yourself up psychologically

you're not gonna do well and so I was like There's some very important doctors In the room I hear Lorne Michaels is getting a catheter put in next door So I didn't I was kind of like talking to people Being normal and then they put me on the propofol

And I felt it happening And my wife was there And she told me what I said afterwards Which I didn't remember being normal and then they put me on the propofol and i felt it happening and my wife was there uh and uh and she told me what i said afterwards which i didn't remember uh the first thing was that they shocked me and then after i guess like normally i'm supposed to be completely out but i guess i was coming out of it at that point and they they shocked me and afterwards i was like because all your body whole all locks up and everything i was like a lot of warning next time so pretty good that's great did that get laughs no i mean they're all just like yikes yeah yeah maybe we should have yeah and then and then apparently when it was all back to normal

i was still high but i was like coming out of it and they're all kind of getting their stuff cleared up i was like oh you guys ever heard the one about the hawk and they're like no Kevin and I'm like yeah so it's flying around up high and then it swoops down and it sautés the mushrooms and then there's

like silence and I went tough room that was the joke and then they were all like oh and then i was like you should have been here last time i killed killed so hard that like people started leaving yelp reviews and they were like oh this guy's hilarious would defibrillate again and one of the nurses was like i think that's illegal i don't think they're allowed and i was like yeah no they even said that in their review they're like i could get fired but he's so

funny I had to leave this come to the ER he's hilarious trying real hard and they were all not having it I had no idea I woke up and I was walking out and I'm like thanks everyone very normal and they're all like yeah bye awkward

when you leave stage bombing everyone's like sorry you got something to work out yeah you can't somebody else that's coming in how's the crowd how are they there's a guy

with like a bunch of balls like a magician coming in oh fuck man what'd you do that for I'm like he ejects himself

goes out starts juggling pulling a rabbit out of the head upside down the doctor's putting on his coat like getting up to leave,

walking the room. Yeah, do you think that goes on your chart? Like, thinks it's funny. It's weird. Sometimes is. Yeah, like, in those circumstances,

like if you're at like a doctor or physiotherapist or whatever do you ever feel compelled to like jazz it up a bit like no you just sort of like just do the job and i don't go to like i'll go to my doctor for like five minutes a year oh yeah and uh i hate i hate the dentist and so i don't know the dentist conversation is always just the dentist but like I don't even want them to like me because I don't like them you're like a dog going to the vet

yeah yeah yeah no I feel compelled to to do something to like build a rapport it adds more stress to the whole venture but I feel like okay here we go we're gonna we're spending a glob of time together yeah let's yeah that's sort of a time glob

doctor what's this glob oh that's time don't. I just put a watch on it and absorb it. Yep. I felt that with my physio a little bit where I told her that I was a comedian of sorts and then was, but then I was just like kind of trying to be affable and I would kind of like say something that I thought I think is more casually like a conversationally funny

versus like I'm trying to be a comedian and be funny. And she'd be like, oh, that's good you should put that in your skits or like oh you should put that in your stand up

and I'm like I told you I'm not a stand up and I start to present her and I'm like you don't even know what's coming here I improvise that I'm an improviser

I'm an improvisator what do you do physio for? your body is so slamming. Yeah, it's true. Thanks, guys. You're so cute when you compliment my body. There's a couple of listeners out there who are like, I like something new.

Yeah, something's tingling. I like being told I'm cute when I do things. I have tend tendonitis. It's got a fancier name, like a post-tib tendonitis, something or other, on my left ankle. Oh, downstairs. Oh, down in the old downstairs. So I have that, which has gotten quite a bit better,

and I've been exercising since the sweet boss. I was wondering. This can't be just naturally occurring. You've got to be sculpting this thing. But yeah, I've sprained my back like twice doing things improperly and being stupid. Yeah. And so, yeah. That's the way.

Sprained your back. Oh, wow. I've had like back pain. I never thought to think it would be sprained. Yeah. I was doing what's called a deadlift, which is a great exercise that is hard to do and

very easy to screw up. I was just like, yeah, I know how to do this thing. I'll put a bunch of weight on here. Yeah, I'm lying on the ground in lots of pain and everyone in the gym is ignoring me. I'm doing material. Hey, you're the one about the hawk I do all my best material

Lying down I'm a lie down comedian I start doing it I'm like yeah And he comes down And sautés And someone goes Mushrooms

And I'm like Taking my punchline Stop it Stepping all over it Then the doctor shows up And he tries to take my seed Yeah so I sprained my back

It was really painful um and i went to the hospital and then they uh one of the people in there kept like one of the nurses kept looking at me and i was like something going on later he's just like i like your work i was like that's nice can somebody please see me at some point i don't like it that much yeah give you a preferential treatment yeah the uh asking how to do an exercise is is more humiliating i think than just hurting yourself right i think i think i would rather just hurt myself than ask somebody like show me how to use this machine yeah go slowly yeah can i film you yeah show me how to wash myself afterwards do it on you this thing says five does that mean

i need to lift it five times um or spotting the spotting thing i never get people to spot me even though there's probably times where they should yeah where it's like you know they kind of hover over you and help you with the bar or something like that but yeah i don't know i just asked a stranger to do that i mean if you go with a friend obviously you both ask a stranger to do it they spot them and then they spot you they just cut them

from behind like ghosts and then they do that it's basically improv hands right? that's right arms experts they hold their hands behind them

they put their huge like muscular arms through I see people with like notebooks in the gym I mean I have to walk through the gym sometimes to get to chess club to get wedgied on to get to chess club.

To get wedgie'd on the way to chess club. And I don't know. Randy's got caught on this machine. I'm guessing the notebooks are to write to their lover who's at war. They're drawing pictures of what they think their muscles could look like. They're writing a thank you note to then wait. They're like, thank you, five pounds. We really had a great time together, but it's over.

I need to move on to sixes. To sixes. To sixes. To one pound increments. It's just thousands of weights. Well, they're like shoe sizes. You do five, five and a half. Five and a half, yeah. What are you having a five and a half pound weight?

I need a six pound of men's or women yeah uk oh i do six on the one end and then five and a half on the other the other one's kind of a bit weaker um do you do you go to the gym often yes yeah yeah i go it shows does it really yeah no i mean like you're in shape i can't tell you guys are wearing your boxy sweaters. Yeah. I just want to get a look at those balls. I am quite warm. I could take my sweater off.

Don't tempt me. You look so cute when you're taking your sweater off. I'll fold it. Lick it like an envelope. I'm sorry for all these these mouth noises you know what i i like it because i'm i usually try to edit them out but if they're if there's a point to them then let's leave them in edit more in yeah i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna leave all the mouth noises in this week all the ones you've been saving over 500 episodes there i know i i have this filter now uh that can uh it just um or just a pop or

clicks it's called a de-clicker and so anytime a mouth goes it i mean not anytime there's like a you know ones it misses but uh and to make sure that it is working you can do the reverse and just listen to the clicks it's taking out oh my god and you just want to make sure that you're not hearing anything decipherable like if you can make out what people are saying then you then you're it's taking out too much right so you uh but just listening to the, well, it is a horror show because your mouth is making like 10 clicks a second. You should probably put, sell that as like a premium on your Patreon or something for like the podcasting yourself. Um,

clicks only perverts. Yeah. Clicks only for the perverts. Oops, all clicks. Um, yeah, that's something that I, I've never seen like exploited in a horror movie. Clicks only for the perverts. Oops, all clicks. Yeah, that's something that I've never seen, like, exploited in a horror movie. Like, just the sound of somebody's mouth really up close. Yeah.

But, boy, that would really churn some stomachs in the theater, you know? Yeah. But also, I thought you meant at first the thing where it's like when someone's hiding in a closet, and they're running, and they're hiding, and they're in a closet, and it's like Michael Myers is hiding in a closet and they're running and they're hiding and they're in a closet and it's like Michael Myers is outside and they're like They're like making so much noise and you're like, what are you? I'm turned on by closets.

What are you doing? I'm getting so horny in here. Michael Myers is coming to take my seed. Michael Myers opens the door with his boner. First time he ever speaks, mouth sound. I like daddy like whatever

fuck I hate that anyway sorry I'm making I'm doing all the things I hate the most Mike Myers refers to himself as daddy

it's canon it happened in H2O yeah the original title of Halloween was Halloween Daddy are you I don't know this about you

are you a horror movie fan no not not especially I like some horror movies I you Are you a horror movie fan? No, not especially I like some horror movies Do you like to be scared? What's gonna happen? Not really Oh, and that is a great segue to

A story I have Something that happened this past year I went to the ghost train Oh, in Stanley Park Yeah, there's just like a little train that they that like runs through stanley park and you're it's all the whole year but they they do it up they do it on holidays yeah christmas train and a halloween ghost train maybe they do a bunny train yeah no they just do the ghost train on easter yeah do they do they do the two settings

they do a may the fourth uh one with all like knockoff star wars characters i can't yeah derp vapor joe brocka uh lou skywalker i'm not really good at it i can't do it the guy at a bar um the uh ghost train and it employs quite a few actors. Yes. Have you ever worked it? I've never worked it. I like the way you work it. Thank you. No, take it away. Am I just hitting on Kevin today? No.

But yeah, we went to that. You have children, so you must have gone. No. No? Too young. Not too young. We tried to go to the Christmas christmas train one year i think and it's just like you have to go all the way through downtown and like their yeah their bedtime is like we wanted to do it like

the one time we tried it we just couldn't get through downtown fast enough like the warriors all the all the baseball furies were chasing you getting all those fucking fights so we were like ah well she doesn't know what this train is we haven't built it up to her she's not expecting to go so we we cut our losses and went to red robin and you were like this is it this is the christmas tree choo-choo your food faster we gotta get out of here it's too scary uh was it good? oh god uh

I mean not to not to to give a negative review to a thing that does employ a lot of friends but it is not good um

no it's not scary at all I get it's for kids but like there's like so that was part of the anxiety is my wife and I were just like let's do something Halloween-y

like we're not going to a party or something this year so let's go to the Christmas train and so we went down there or the Halloween year, so let's go to the Christmas train. And so we went down there, or the Halloween train. So we dressed up as Santa as an elf.

We went down there like, do Christmas train. I'm surprised that's not a costume I see ever. Santa? Yeah. I feel like I've seen a couple Santas.

Like, if you go down to like Granville Street on Halloween night, you'll see some people that are just like, a couple less sexy santas panda with muscles donald duck santas no pants on oh god i did it again but a big long beard that's covering it i was just picturing donald duck but

like with like skin tone instead of white that's even more scary okay you need to be in charge of the Halloween train next year that would be horrifying just the skin of Donald Duck yeah quack quack he's kind of like Howard the Duck

like wink wink he's like he's just saying kill me he's coming towards the train that's so scary that is so horrifying that reminds me of my favorite

ASMR channel Donald Duck ASMR that's so scary that is the most horrifying that reminds me of my favorite ASMR channel Donald Duck ASMR it's like people who can't whisper oh boy oh yeah so it's not scary at all but that's the anxiety

of showing up there is that you think like you're gonna run into your friends immediately I saw a guy be like everyone gather around and I was like oh shit

who is this that I know that I have to be like, hi. Yeah. Or some, I thought it wouldn't be somebody that I knew but somebody

that I know of or something like that, you know what I mean? Like an acquaintance or somebody a few years away. Or like a great actor. Yeah. A great famous actor.

Ian McKellen, I'm like, ooh. Give him back my copy of Lord of the Rings Director's Edition. And, but it was,

I didn't recognize anybody but I recognized like, it was just the people. Like I've worked gigs was I didn't recognize anybody but I recognize like it was just the people like I've worked gigs like that before and stuff and it's just like oh it makes

me feel miserable seems like that gig would be okay though it like I think it mostly seemed yeah I think there's probably

worse gigs they're just on stage I could just and they wear crazy costumes and stuff so it's not like you have to like be yourself

and be like I'm a guy or whatever like you're like I'm a crazy creep look at me as you go past it's just an open mic so uh can i get a one more suggestion for a thing that'll be and you're all gone okay just trying to do improv real fast um the uh uh is are they like jumping out at people no so there's none of that so even on the train there's no jump out scares at all it's's like you just, so the scariest thing about the whole thing was we were waiting to get on

the train. That is scary. We were like, but the scariest thing was that there was a guy like hanging out kind of beside us. It wasn't really full. And we were kind of waiting to get on the train. We're going to get on one of the last cars,

I guess. And then this guy, this old man with like a puffy kind of coat and his hood was up and he had a hat really low down and the hood was like cinched up real tight. So you couldn't really see his face, but he was like an old man kind of hangered a little bit. And he was just like hanging out by himself at the back of the train. And we're like, all right. And then we got on like the second to last car and he got on the only car behind us by himself.

And we're like, okay, this is officially the scariest part of this thing. This guy's going to stab me in the throat on the way here. i think it was just somebody making sure no one jumped off or something at the back like i think he was like hired to like ride the train and make sure no one's like getting off when they shouldn't get off or something that's the best opportunity to have somebody like just have somebody on the train who then spooks everybody at the end or whatever or they should have people getting off the train that or like people that aren't supposed to get off the train. Get off the train. Like they're actors.

Yeah. And they like disappear. And then it's like a hunt for them. Yeah. So good. That'd be amazing. Have you ever gone to the one at. Like don't they do a Halloween.

Fright night at. The P&E. Yeah. The Playland. I've done that. I haven't done that. That seems too scary to me, I think. That one is all jump scares. I don't like the idea of people in

costume makeup touching me. That's the scariest thing of all. You don't like hump scares. I don't like them coming out of the walls and being like humping me. You don't want to go to the pumpkin hump. Yeah, it's all actors around every corner that just jump out or do some, you know, just try and start it.

Which works 100% of the time. Try to start a conversation with him. Try to give you a resume. Graham, hey, can you hire me? I love your work. Yeah, this is a good looking resume. Dracula. I want to be your friend I promise

I don't suck there's one that like Universal Studios puts on that's like a crazy yeah and like well they've got all those

Bride of Frankenstein Bride of Dracula Bride of Wolfman they got all the Bride of Wolfman it's all the The Bride of Wolfman Is just a woman That's like Well once a month

We gotta chain him up But other than that But then once a month You gotta chain me up too Am I right ladies? Okay You don't have to take this Take your husband to the vet

Oh Don't want to be around my husband When they put the thermometer Up his little butt Yeah yeah yeah He's not like it. He needs one of those cones. I need a diva cup.

Am I right, ladies? She just says a thing about herself as a woman. I like the Bride of Wolfman is just an insult comic. That's the only way to get the Wolfman to behave is just like insult him, like cut him down. Hey, look at you, a little hockey puck. What, do you got to circle the bed three times before you lay down? What do I got to smear some peanut butter down there to get some action? Am I right?

Ladies. It's Lisa Lampanella. Oh, boy. Lisa Lampanella oh boy yeah so that's why it's so good because we have all those properties I also do like the idea that like because like Marvel who like

Sony had the chance to buy all of Marvel and they were like we just want Spider-Man oh yeah that's Marvel and they were like, we just want Spider-Man. Oh yeah, that's right. And then, uh, I like, I like the idea that some movie production company was just like,

just the monster wives. Thank you very much. I'm going to write my movie, the monster wives club, and it's going to be a hit. They read Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades of Graves. Hey!

That, I think, is one of my favorite things, that Universal was going to start up their Dark Universe, and they made one movie, and they were like, well, this isn't panning out. What did they make, The Mummy? Yeah. Like Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise.

It didn't go over well, and they were like, okay, well. Well, get ready for Johnny Depp as the, ooh, he's not a good guy. Oh, he's like an actual monster? Okay. Maybe we'll just wrap that one up real fast. Let's not find out

what Benicio Del Toro's up to. Let's just shudder this whole thing. Johnny Depp will always be my Tonto. That's right. America's Tonto. White be my Tonto. That's right. America's Tonto. White America's Tonto. Hey, so a few weeks ago, Margot had a sleepover with her cousin. Cute.

And they were like, let's watch a movie. And Margot somehow wanted to watch The Lone Ranger. Nine and a half weeks. Wanted to watch. What? She's like, I like calendars. The 2004 Johnny Depp, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. lone ranger nine and a half weeks wanted to watch what i like calendar 2004 johnny depp charlie and the chocolate factory okay it's weird it's creepy right yeah i've never seen the original but she's been obsessed with it ever since and wants to watch it every single day

yeah i can see that because it definitely like is a thing that as a kid, you wouldn't, you wouldn't understand that there's like a creepy subtext there. You'd just be like, this is weird. Creepy subtext to killing all these children. I remember seeing the original one and being very scared when that girl turns into like a blueberry.

And isn't there one where like, is it a different kid who gets like, like basically drowns and gets like, goes up like a shoot. Goes up the shoot. Yeah. I was like, holy shit.

Like this is like it was like saw for children yeah candy saw candy saw this was like a big plastic empty

saw full of candy like plastic thing and then the kid is the good doctor yeah that's right what's that it's a show

it's a show about this good doctor good doctor he doesn't take your seed that's the tagline Come on What are you doing

Are you going to take the seed No way The good doctor I saw a What's the twist in it He's autistic In Good Doctor Yeah

Or in Charlie and the Jocks Charlie Well Yeah Yeah I think that's it He's He's a good doctor

But That The social cues Evade him Yeah yeah yeah But it's like one of the most popular shows on TV There was Yeah it's like huge People love that show

Isn't that the same thing with Big Bang Theory and stuff Yeah on CTV They showed like their 50 most popular single episodes of anything all year and it was like the super bowl uh like one other thing and then 40 big bang theories and eight good duck yeah it's like and some of them were reruns yeah it's It's like, there's this whole, uh, world of TV that like, I know exists,

uh, like there, there's like a whole series of Magnum PI that's on. Oh yeah. There's also a, like a MacGyver reboot. Oh yeah. Like a weapon.

Yeah. They're all super popular show as well. Yeah. But yeah, it's like, uh, but I've never, I've never seen seen them i don't know anybody that's seen them but they're like these are like these are the 10 most popular shows on television yeah

hawaii 50 is in its 20th season or something yeah oh man yeah it's weird it's weird that it's like i guess that's just what tv is now is like, we'll just do reboots of everything. Yeah. Not like the movies. No, exactly. Movies. What you got to see is this Charlie and the chocolate factory.

Have you seen it? The Johnny Depp one? I feel like I have, but I don't remember it. I saw it in the theater because you don't have goth kids. I do have goth kids. I don't talk about them, but Damien and,

uh, and, uh, his friends wanted to go to a movie and i said how about charlie and the chocolate factory they all laughed but they were they left the light on that night anyways uh happy birthday to my son damien uh he's born on may the fourth he was born on may the fourth yeah this is histh birthday and... But you saw that movie when?

We didn't see it in the theater. No, yeah. He was just newborn. So Damien and his newborn friends were all like,

let's see. He's very popular in the maternity ward. Yeah. And they wanted... How did he express that he wanted

the light left on? He just pointed. He pointed at the black candle in his room. And he was gone express that he wanted the light left on? He just pointed. He pointed at the black candle in his room. And he was gone. And he put the horns to his head. Yeah, yeah. And his head turned around once. And you're like, that means yes.

That means yes. I'm just saying, I guess that doesn't really, why would he be gone? I guess I just mean like, if you like any Tim Burton stuff, you're gone. You're gone. That's, yeah. Definitely. Take our quiz. are you gone it's the one question no it's danny elfman just danny elfman's got to be a little goth right i don't know or is he like totally not goth like is he like he you'd think

he'd be goth but he's actually just like it's a living like a dad. He's Garfield. Well, it's like John Williams isn't into space. He's in a shark. You don't know that he's not into space. He's actually a shark with like a little white chin, perfectly manicured chin beard.

I don't know where I came from. The city, hear my piano. Your new teacher, master class. He's like in a big tank. Have you been tempted to do one of those? Yeah, well, a friend of the show, Sean Devlin, don't tell anyone, gave me his password to it. So I've watched a few scattered episodes of like

Judd Apatow talking or Neil Gaiman or something. So what is it? If you buy one, you get them all? Yeah, I think it's like a subscription thing. I only subscribe to the Kevin Spacey one. Oh, man, they must have been like, God damn it. Yeah.

Well, they had to change it to M-A-S-T-U-R, Claire. They just changed it to Jack Lemmon Class. And then it's like, yeah, that'll work. Yeah, but do a little age filter on it. Yeah, do deep fakes on it. Yeah, so you work. Yeah, but do a little age filter on it. Yeah, do deep fakes on it. Yeah, so you get a subscription, and then there's just like a, from what I can tell so far,

because I haven't delved real deep into them, but it's like a series of videos that they'll have that range from like 10 to 20 minutes or something usually. Okay. And they're talking in some sort of like cozy setting, and they have them broken down into like, this will be like how to break down your plot, or characters, or that sort of stuff. you know how to slice yeah how to take seed

the good doctor masterclass with a good doctor how to resist taking seeds so you're a doctor of course you want to take seed that's why you got into this right into this right and then someone like brings him a coffee and he doesn't say thank you or something. I don't know. That's the whole plot for an episode of The Good Doctor. Good doctor, you have to say thanks. But why? They were supposed to bring me a coffee.

I don't understand. Oh, good doctor. My mom's like, I love it. You won't believe what he didn't say that should have been nice, but he didn't say it because it doesn't

make sense to him because he has a different paradigm for emotional cues. Okay, cool. Number one show. Now, let's see what Magnum P.I.

is up to. What's he like in these new shows? I don't know. Does he have a big mustache? He doesn't have a mustache. He's just like another generic handsome guy. Yeah, he's hawaiian shirt but he they had posters for

it for like months before and maybe it's still the image and it looks like they just drew on sunglasses and a detroit tigers hat yeah that's probably at the last minute they were like we gotta we got a magnum pi up this guy maybe it was a thing where they just shot a whole show and it wasn't Magnum PI. And they're just like, you know, nobody wants Miami Heat. And we also can't get the rights to that name because it's a basketball team. What do I do? Oh, let's Hawaii Final or go. No, that's already taken.

Okay, okay, what else? ER. Can we do ER? Too many helicopters. There's no helicopters in ER. I'm thinking of all the NBA names that could also be Utah Jazz

yeah Utah Jazz Chicago Bull Philadelphia 76ers we'll age them up Utah Jazz really sounds like it could be a show

yeah it's like and he's like freeze still has a saxophone rip. And he's like. Freeze. He's on the floor. Still has a saxophone on his chest. Detective Jazz. And they're all just like blonde white guys.

With like shirts tucked into khakis. John Tesh is always on it. Doing the NBA theme song, right? I don't want you guys to get sued. Yeah. You're allowed to do a needle drop. No more. That's it.

Oh, boy. But, you know what? If we're criticizing, it's fair use. That song sucks. Really? John Tesh is a fuck. He actually does a master class in that song And hosting Entertainment Tonight And I grew up

On that Him and Mary Hart Yeah yeah They're great They were my real parents May Scaloni Who was here A couple weeks ago

Hilarious We had a For Christmas I gave Graham An autographed Picture of John Tesh Oh wow That I bought years ago

And just handed to him Here's a piece of shit That's a cool gift though I like it And Graham left it here and didn't stare. Yeah. Because I knew

that it was just something he had lying around. It was your daughter's favorite toy. John Tish. Put him in the dream car. John Tish's

autographed dream car. Real wide. To the fax machine. It's a shredder. Oh, shit. Papa, no. And you're like, oh, God, I got to get another autograph. And Mace, like, after the show, he was like, what?

You have a John Tesh autograph picture? I love John Tesh. I love his. And then he named his radio show. Whoa. He had no idea that he hosted Entertainment Tonight. Oh, really? So that doesn't even start there for him.

It's like just a more recent I don't even think he knew he did the round ball rock. Yeah, I don't think he knew that he did music. He just knew him from this radio show that he hosts. What? Yeah. Wow. Isn't that weird? Some fan. Fuck you, Mace Galone. You don't deserve that signature.

On John Tesh's radio show, Entertainment Tonight and music don't come up yeah I honestly don't know what to describe his music as I was gonna say jazz music but it's not

isn't it no it's like easy listening it's like orchestral composition synthesizer music yeah

but I remember when he left Entertainment Tonight like I remember the episode where he was like well I'm off to pursue music and I was like episode where he was like well I'm off to pursue music

and I was like okay yeah alright I remember the episode where he's like well my shirt's caught in the door of this train

so I guess I'm leaving and he's like gets pulled away for Entertainment Tonight I'm John Tate I'm John Tate well cause Mary Hart was married

boy if I'm wrong about this it's a big whiff. She was married to Yanni. What? Who is live from the Acropolis. Yeah, yeah. It's Saturday night with your musical guest, Yanni.

And your host, also Yanni. And yeah, so I think Yanni was like was like you know play me some of your demos john oh you got the goods yeah yeah yeah this is some good stuff here this is uh you know what you should leave entertainment tonight to pursue music the next day um it was like i was telling dave i remember the last time that Hugh Downs was on 2020. And he was like, Hugh Downs, you know, at the end of the program, he's like, I'm leaving to pursue some opportunities on the internet. What was that? Selling Beanie Babies.

And he's a billionaire. Selling his Hugh Downs signature beanie babies. They're just like little pugs. And then John Stossel was like, get real. Give me a break. Go take a flying hike. No, no, no. Lark is gonna

shut down in a minute. And John Quinonez was like, what would you do? Dave, what's going on with you man well not a heck of a lot last night graham and i went on a date oh that's great yeah uh graham and i it was the chaperone uh somebody chaperone yeah yeah yeah absolutely otherwise god knows what we would get up we had a thug came i hired a th God. And, yeah, Graham and I went for a drink. Yeah.

Turned into two. Yeah. Turned into passion. No, we, basically, I forgot how to, like, be friends with people. Okay. Yeah. I used to, because I to see graham and other people at comedy shows yeah then i stopped doing that but i would like go out occasionally and then i

had children and i was like i don't ever want to go out yeah yeah and then uh graham comes over we record and then graham leaves we should like be friends yeah yeah yeah so we went out and we uh and it was great we yeah we went to a bar it was fall we went to it so we went to a different bar nice yeah and what how did you feel like you had like lost like did you feel like you lost like your social social use because let's sell this shit this is a show the good podcaster the good friend um no it was uh i I was a little bit like... I felt like it was too formal to ask. Because I was like,

if I want to go meet with Graham outside of the show, are we like... Is this like a State of the Union? Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking of the State of the Union, the podcast is going great.

Yeah. The economy's strong but you know what we never mentioned that we were on uh the 200th episode right of we you know what we should mention some things okay graham and i were on the 200th episode of retail nightmares listen to that uh we were graham was on uh an episode of High and Mighty with John Gabra. Yes. Oh, cool. I, so go find that.

Thanks everyone for donating to the MaxFunDrive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We appreciate it greatly. Someone had the idea before the MaxFunDrive or during the MaxFunDrive that we should just get shirts made with just the logo of the podcast that we've never had before. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. That's a great idea.

You know, this episode comes out in two and a half weeks we might get on it by then yeah also i might start releasing some of those live episodes from last year yeah and what else could i talk about uh state of the union wise hmm i think that's about it that's pretty good okay so uh a new season of this sounds serious my other podcast starts i think on the 28th of may oh so like right away yeah keep your eyes peeled for that so funny wake up your feeds uh okay dust off those feeds uh yeah so um yeah graham and i went out for a drink it was nice oh yeah what did you guys talk about? That wasn't the state of the, it was, we talked about things we watched on TV. We talked about that Tim Robbins show on Netflix. What's that? Tim Robbins? New show? I think you should leave. Oh, Tim Robinson. Yeah. Yeah. You said Tim Robbins like, uh, from, um, Oh, that would be great. Yeah. The other actor, the, um, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've been watching his sketch show god damn that would be amazing Jim Robbins just dropped a sketch show

call the player his back yeah oh man now that's all I want yeah it's called

cut to ribbons Robbins nevermind call Robbins you blind he plays a blind man with no social cues. Because he can't see people's faces.

Are you mad at me? No, I'm blind. I'm sorry. This guy's cutting me to Robbins. Yeah, that sketch was great. Yeah. I love it. I ripped through all the episodes so fast.

And then I just was showing episodes to Marie last night. Because I was like, I think you need to see this show. It's just too funny. Yeah. That Johnny Cash sketch. Yeah. God. It just kills me.

I can't stop. You can't stop singing the Bones of Their Money? Yeah, the Bones of Their Money. They pull your hair up, but not out. That makes me laugh so hard. Watching a comedy thing by yourself, you enjoy it. If you enjoy it so much, then you'd feel compelled to watch it. Why you like you enjoy it if you enjoy it so much

then you'd feel why don't you marry it yeah like you want somebody else to see it yeah um it's almost like you shouldn't watch a comedy

by yourself ever because you will want to like talk about it and then you do that stupid thing where you make you watch it with someone and now I've learned to like

play it cool but sometimes you like watch something you love and then you're like watch this and then you have that even if you're not like looking at them you have that energy like you like it right it's good right oh and you do like even last night i unconsciously

did that thing where they where they the next sketch comes up and i knew what it was and i'm like oh and i'm like i had to like zip it like the horse the horse one and i was like oh gotta keep it quiet yeah uh the uh uh yeah i feel like a few months ago, people, everyone watched the Adam Sandler special. Yes. By themselves. Yeah. Because they were like, well, I don't want to subject to anything. I'm curious.

I've heard good things, but this can't be good, right? Yeah. Yeah. It was a weird thing that everybody ended up watching, but not as a group. It was impossible to watch as a group. Yeah. Just too bad. You know, how come these, how come these Netflix comedy specials don't come out in theaters first thank you yeah oscars uh

yeah and then after that i went to uh after the drinks i went to an art show by myself okay what was the art show avengers endgame it was the emily carr Okay. And, you know, it's a free art show. Take anything you want. You can fuck up the paintings. No one says shit. It is. Just do the whole Joker, like, slashing it with a blade and spray painting on it. This guy loves anarchy. But he's creating

his own art. It was weird because it's like it's a university of art and design. So you'll be looking at paintings. You'll be looking at paintings. And then you just walk into a room and everyone's like, we invented new packages. Oh, okay.

That's pretty neat. I guess I can kind of put myself into your shoes. We invented some new shoes. That's not a fashion school. We invented some new shoes. That's not a fashion school. And then after that, I walked home and I had my first ever Beyond Meat Burger. Oh, yeah.

What'd you think? I've never had a veggie burger before. Really? Oh, okay. So it was, I had nothing to, I guess the only thing I could compare it to was meat. Yeah. And it was, it was okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I enjoy them. But I feel. It's great. I'm a soy boy now. Yeah, you're a soy boy. And I have breasts.

Yeah. And they look great. And they're slamming. Big slamming breasts. I mean, they chafe a little bit. But that's because they're new. And I have six of them because I'm married to little bit. But that's because they're new. And I have six of them because I'm married to the wolf man.

That's because they're new. They just burst out of the skin like a wolf man. Like all those things where it's like the wolf hand comes out of the hand. Just like, what the fuck? So what happens? You just grow a whole new body afterwards? Yeah. When you're done with your wolfy stuff, how does that heal? The normal hand just kind of like squishes

through like, sorry. Like it's of like squishes through like sorry. Like it's not going to come through like rawr! Man hand comes out. It's going to be like back to this stupid thing. Or you just wake up and your hands

are just mangled. Oh no! I've learned so much. Yeah it must have really hurt to be a wolf man. Yeah. It looks incredibly painful. That would explain

the howling. Yeah. When I was young I had a monster club because I was fucking cute. And I saw Monster Squad and I wanted to be that. Monster Squad was the best.

It was the coolest. And I did a little bit of research on monsters. But there was that thing about that Wolfman thing was more of a curse. People who were Wolfman hated it and wanted to die, but they couldn't. And when they would get killed uh and then like when they were like when they would get killed by a silver bullet they would usually like turn back into a

man and say like thank you or they'd be like they'd like die with thumbs up or something a little sign that says this is okay do not charge them with murder i was a wolf man yeah that's how i want to die but do they still do they still die as a person yeah they die as a person oh but they have a moment where they can be like oh well I know why you did what you did golly that was just the worst

that's your plan for a murder is you put a little sign on the victim kill someone they were a wolfman officer he admitted he was a wolfman

in a few minutes he thanked me in that card he signed it and there's just a clearly like a shitty like scribbled X that doesn't even look

like any of the calligraphy that's on it. You wrote the rest of it? Like perfectly. In kanji? I think he must have pre-written this and then signed it upon death. What? Officer, you don't read kanji? Okay. It's signed with a dog paw. Come on.

Yeah, so I'm a soy boy now Yeah you're a soy boy That's awesome Congratulations That's great I mean I guess the biggest problem is The lactating Yeah

You'll get used to that But it's soy milk Free milk You gotta get that oat milk though It's not popular anymore Oh oat milk Everybody says it's blowing up It's oat milk

It's popular now It's the new thing Yeah it's like at every coffee shop i haven't tried it yet you haven't tried it no i mean either you don't have it in a jug that you can pour on your not my problem is if i i just eat cereal yeah that's all oats to begin with and i feel like i'm just gonna be oats on oats yeah and where's the hall uh yeah i haven't i haven't tried it either but like i literally heard about it last week and then i've you know how like you don't hear about a thing then you hear about a thing and then all of a

sudden it's everywhere yeah that's oat milk yeah exactly and everyone's just like yeah oat milk whatever and i'm like what i seriously feel like it just happened today yeah so three people have never had it what do we think it tastes like oats i'm imagining it tastes like like basically uh you know if you had cereal not sugared cereal and then you had the milk left over right just oh that would be great yeah if that's actually what it is i would that's just what it is i would i would buy pre-cerecerealed milk that just had cereal sitting in it, and then they strain it, and then you just get that sweet. They do that at, is it Milk Bar?

Yeah, that's what I've heard. Yeah, yeah, Milk Bar in New York or something. Yeah, they do that. Cereal milk. Really? Yeah. Or they make cookies with it or something. Yeah, or ice cream or something.

I don't know. I don't like it. Oh, boy. Yeah. cookies with it or something yeah or ice cream or something yeah i don't know oh boy um yeah sounds really good yeah that's not good uh yeah so i ate a burger yeah that's oh that's great you had a big night out uh the other thing that happened is last week was easter and um uh i when i when it's halloween and our kids go trick-or-treating i don't eat any of their candy right but east like because they earned that yeah i feel like you and i hated that when i was a kid yeah when your parents would like yeah that's that's like your job but like easter stuff i'll i'll dip into that no problem sure that was just left yeah and like come on it's taking too long

to get through all this it's also kind of easier to steal it right because it's all just kind of the same eggs whereas like I know when I was a kid like you have like a mental inventory of like okay I know I have like two coffee crisps three Kit Kats like one big Mr. Big like you like kind of know everything you have but then

and then yeah who's counting their eggs gotta wait till they then, and then, yeah. Who's counting their eggs? Gotta wait till they hatch. And then one day this week, I had chocolate on my pants. Yeah, right.

I was like, really concentrated in those sort of back crotch areas. Yeah, I put a bunch of the chocolate in my back crotch. The back crotch.

Doctor, doctor, my back crotch got chocolate all over it. So I go to the proctologist and it turns out he's a back crotch doctor doctor My back crotch Got chocolate all over it So I go to the proctologist And it turns out He's a back crotch doctor And he's like

Get out of here Come back here Until your back crotch Is broken Not your proc And uh Proc crotch And I was like

Oh that's weird I must have spilled Chocolate on my face A very believable situation. When was I eating chocolate and lemonade? Let me think. I had two milks this morning. This has got to be a Beyond Meat burger in here.

It's so cakey. So not meat. The chocolate was on the outside of my thighs, on the front, okay? That's the point of this story. So I... I love that describing that way to a doctor. The chocolate's on the outside of my thighs,

near the front. Not on the back of my thighs. Far from my back crotch. So I went. So at the end of the day, I didn't change my pants right away. I kind of gave them a little water and scrub. And then at the end of the day, I made love. No, you got to make time for it.

No, then the next day, I put on a different pair of pants. Went to work. Blah, blah, blah. And like halfway through the day I was like, I got more chocolate on my pants. I haven't even eaten chocolate today. Oh, maybe I did have a little bit this morning. There could be also the kids might be leaving eggs around or like wrappers or something. Then at the end of the

day, I, you know, I guess the next morning. Made love. Made love. I'm a machine. The next morning I went to get dressed and I put my watch on and I saw that the whole side of my watch was caked with chocolate. So that's how it was getting everywhere.

How did it get on your watch? I must have gotten, like, wrist deep into a bunny. And then you put your watch in between your pants and your legs there and just rubbed it on the inside of the cross. Yeah, there you go. I mean, that's how. I'm doing the math in my head. This all works.

Yeah. yeah there you go i mean that's uh yep this is all i'm doing the math in my head this all works yeah so uh i couldn't have killed this person your honor they have a sign that says thank you for killing me and then the the new macgyver show he's like i got uh chocolate all over his back crotch i don't have social cues to call it a butt that's how he works right yeah yeah paper clip onto a piece of paper an elastic band and creates a bomb yeah just creates an ipad paper clip on a piece of paper there you go there you go and that's evidence there you go uh now graham what's up with you um i uh last weekend i went and saw the uh three hour long extravaganza that was Avengers Endgame. Why did you do that?

Well, I've watched all the superhero movies. You have? Yeah. Like save for one or two of them. I've seen them all. Me too. You saw Captain Marvel? No, I haven't seen Captain Marvel and I didn't see Ant-Man and the Wasp.

Those are the two that I never saw. Ant-Man and the Wasp is on Netflix. So that's like an easy one to watch even though I think it's not as good as the first Ant-Man and even then it's like, it's a Marvel movie, I don't know. I mean, they're all Marvel movies. So they all are the same.

It would be great if they just incorporated it like it was a Smurf. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is part of the universe, I don't know about it. The Marvel Julian Schnabel universe. Ant diving bell and the butterfly is part of the universe i don't know about it the marvel julian schnauble universe yeah ant-man and the wasp diving bell and the butterfly my two favorite films two favorite marvel movies tim gunn from the smurfs movie yes um uh and it's uh it like and i felt like i had to like i had to see it before somebody just told me how it ended or definitely yeah like because people were very big on not being spoiling yeah people were some people

took that as a challenge to spoil to spoil and so i was like somebody i'm gonna be on some somewhere on the internet and somebody's gonna make like a passing hugh down reference to it yeah i'm going to be on Hugh Downs' website. The most popular website on the internet. Downs.org. Yeah, anyways. I enjoyed it. But it's three hours long.

The last time I saw a movie that long was The Hateful Eight. And that had an intermission built into it. Oh, did it? I still haven't seen that. Uh, but the thought of three hours of people hating each other and saying the N word sounds a little rough.

Yeah. Yeah. And also don't see Avengers, but, uh, the theater was packed and it was like a lot of, it was a lot of kids were in the theater. They can't hold, they can't hold their bladder for three hours. No.

There's no fucking way. So the whole movie was kids, like, not walking from their seat, sprinting from their seat to run to the bathroom and then sprinting back. So there's just, the whole movie was people getting up, sprinting out of the theater and then sprinting back to their seat. Yeah. They could have been superheroes. My special watch went off. Time to go. And then they go out there and they turn into pee pee man.

They pee in the bathroom and they come back. Another case solved. That's how you teach your kid to use the bathroom. You're pee pee man. Pee pee man pee pee man you're a poo poo girl um but yeah

it was uh it was good I got I got misty at the end oh yeah yeah yeah

it was uh you know tied it up but now I'm done like I don't need they're like you're being misty as in you were holding

your pee for so long it started to come out as a mist yeah um did you have to go and pee in the yeah yeah for the last half hour of the movie i was like oh this is this is killing me i didn't have to i was actually pretty surprised i usually have a very small bladder i had a big old coca-cola yeah me

too um but uh yeah didn't have to did you guys have popcorn i had big old popcorn yeah i had a big old popcorn they don't make a small popcorn i did like it yeah it's a marvel movie it's a big one there's a big old marvel movie lots of people in it and uh did you stick around for the closing credits to see uh i did there was nothing there was nothing was that the big the big like uh artistic turn yeah we put nothing at the end of the credit what they put at the end of the movie was a bunch of movie theater employees just staring at you, kind of being like, there's nothing. We've seen this. And I stare at them. I'm like, which one's Nick Fury?

Who's that? Are they, these all new? Are they doing a live action post-credits sequence? I was once at. That would be the best. I was at one of those like VIP theaters watching. It was, I think it was Into the Spider-Verse with Emmett Hall. And we were getting like the things you can order to your seats or whatever.

And the guy there was nice, but he was chatty. And he started just talking to us. He was like, oh, yeah, have you seen this movie before? We're like, no. And he's like, oh, yeah, I haven't either. But it's pretty good. We're like, oh, cool. He's like, I saw that Grindelwald movie.

Whatever that Harry Potter thing is. He's like, oh, ah explosions the sound effects all stuff it's so good he was talking like about the special effects for so long we're like a guy who has never seen a movie before yeah or the sound first of all there's sound on these goddamn things so i'm developing a tv show about a movie attendant waiter who has no social cues called famous player the good famous player did you eat like actual food at your no no i didn't i i did that once i think it was blade runner 2049 or whatever bring me the soup yeah bring me soft shell tacos everything they have there is like something that they can put in a deep fryer like I don't

think it's like much it's just sort of like hey I do like deep fried shrimp do you like fries do you like onion rings do you like it's just and then everything's like 20

bucks do you want to sit in a theater that smells like a like a 20 year old's car yeah it's part of the appeal yeah rappers on the ground I when i went i went to america last week i talked about that and how i came back abby wanted the doritos soft show or uh doritos taco bell tacos oh yeah so i brought them across the border and uh they're just in

my car for two hours and my car reeked for a week yeah yeah that's what they on the ads for the full service movie theater come reek for a week for a week as a vip i've been in the theater like next to people who have gotten a full meal and it's insane because stinks well it stinks and you can hear them eating yeah like cutting and eating stuff and the movie's going on yeah yeah it's weird it is weird and they every movie it's a weird policy they have but it's a great slogan that every movie comes with a happy ending yes yeah it's a weird slogan it's a weird choice of words but then they take your seed. Thank you.

That's what I came here for. Literally. Do we want to move on to some overheards? Sure. No, maybe business. Okay. All right. Hey, everybody. Stop Podcasting Yourself is brought to you in part by Zip Recruiter.

I'm back, guys. And our friend Zip Recruiter, who will sing us to the moon. Hey, look at the moon, dude. The moon is for you to recruit. The moon is the original recruiter. Now say you're a crooner and you need to hire a songwriter. What do you mean? I do my own.

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ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Moon. Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes. Go ahead, caller. Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful but like also helps me discover artists and albums that i've never heard of yeah man sounds like you need to listen to heat rocks every week myself and

i'm morgan rhodes and my co-host here oliver wong talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives guests like moby Moby, Open Mike Eagle, Talk About Albums by Prince, Joni Mitchell, and so much more. Yo, what's that show called again? He rocks deep dives into hot records. Every Thursday on Maximum Fun. Overheard. Overheard Overheard

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Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard

Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard Overheard time you guys invite me on here i'm like oh that'll be fun chatting with dave and graham and i show up here and you're like over her it's like fuck i forgot to and i'd spend my entire day of my time either at home or outside with headphones on yeah i'm trying to tune everyone out to either read or pretend like they don't exist yeah yeah but uh i did this was overseen so i did have headphones on but i did see this uh on the bus uh a few weeks back i was taking the number nine yeah boy cool ass main street where i was

jiving with my cool friends and then um uh i was on the bus and a gentleman got on the bus uh and he was an older gentleman like maybe probably in his 50s or something like that um dressed in the kind of very plain clothes but he had this uh uh he's a plain clothes not not cop. And he had, he had on one of like those, like, it's like a Newsy cap or like a Kangol cap type thing. You know, but he had on a backwards. Samuel Jackson style.

Joey Pantolioni style. Exactly. And, but on the side, he had so much to, because on the side was written in, I'd say like times new Roman white font. It said two words,

colon suck it. And the, that the U is an asterisk. So that, wow. Oh, this, so that he thinks that's a swear.

Yeah. It was like code word for adults. They get it, but kids won't get it. And it's, it's like socket. Yeah. Oh yeah.

What? Second sex, not a word. Mommy, what's sec? Oh, I didn't know that you were having this conversation so early. When a man loves a Kangol hat.

Yeah, so that guy really was feeling pretty good. And he was a guy who did not want to sit on the bus. Plenty of seats, but he kept walking to stand by the back doors. Then he'd walk up by the front doors and not say anything to the bus driver. And then he'd walk back to the back doors. I think he was just making sure everyone on the bus sucked it. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Attention all you in the front and now all you in the back. Tap, think he was just making sure everyone on the bus sucked it. Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Attention all you in the front and now all you in the back. Tap, tap on the side. Suck it. That's really disrespectful. It's from wrestling, right?

Oh, it was like X-Pac or like... Yeah, it was related in wrestling. Telling people to suck it? Yeah. I think that... I think it's probably

goes back to World War II, you know? But like people have said... Suck it, Jerry! Suck it, Nazis! Suck it, Nazis! Yeah. Oh, you can suck it, American man! Has anyone ever been like,

Maybe I will. What? That that's the comeback? Yeah. And then they do it. Yeah. Is that what people are secretly hoping when they say suck it? Yeah, that they're like,

I hope somebody turns the tables on me. On the other side, I didn't see. It said, please? Yeah. I'd like that. hope somebody turns the tables on me. On the other side, I didn't see. It said, please? Yeah. I'd like that. Please. One word. Please?

Dave? In the break, we all took off our shirts. You and Graham took off your sweatshirt. I took off my t-shirt. I'm naked now. Yeah. But, Kevin, do you have some ink? I do.

I didn't know you were an ink master i got i had i got a tattoo when i was 18 uh up higher that was just the word truth because i was like that i'll never get embarrassed of that uh-huh yes i did that was crossed out there yeah so i got it so i got i got it crossed out and then uh but then i got this other tattoo by a guy named um russell uh uh it's been a while. I think it's, his name on Instagram is Choplogic. C-H-O-P-L-O-G-I-K I want to say.

And it's like a skill, but it's like done with a brush pen. So it's like all crazy and weird looking. That's very cool. Never thought I was much of a skull guy,

but I saw it and I wanted more tattoos and I was like, that's cool. How many tats you got? Just those two. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And then I have the Stop Podcasting Yourself logo on my chest. I don't need a t-shirt yeah yeah looks good though it looks yeah you know that'd make a nice t-shirt and i have lines for the t-shirt but i got it when i was a kid so it's small it's too small the line for the bottom is like up halfway up my belly oh no yeah it's not great it was a kid kid um my overheard is uh the other day uh margo was pretending she was pregnant oh yeah cool just playing and freaking out putting something on it like yeah put something under

her shirt and you believed it for a minute what i'll kill him uh and so uh she was just like she wasn't playing with me she was just like she wasn't playing with me she was just playing by herself and I just heard her mutter

the doctor said I have to take lots of baby pills to help it come out she's not wrong yeah if the baby refuses to come out

the doctor will give you some baby pills I mean yeah I guess a hormone to induce yep and a little something

for me a little something for daddy too it's like the idea that the pills are going down and that the baby is taking them

on the inside because they're for the baby as soon as they take them they're like the outside seems pretty good yeah I'm sick of this place they're very tiny little pills.

Yeah. Baby pills. Baby pills. So cute. Aw. What about you? Mine was a woman who was chatting about her partner, and she was talking to her friend. She said, boy, the thing I can't stand about my partner is

that no matter what, she thinks she looks cute. That's pretty rude. She's been probably listening to too much ASMR. Yeah, no matter what she does. You look so cute. Oh my god, you look so cute. No matter what you do.

Even when you're emptying out the litter box so cute and then saying like like filtering out the poo with this little scooper and then you get a knife and you cut up the poo that that scratches an itch for somebody out there oh yeah cat scratches it cat scratches a fever out there somewhere um what is that song about i don't know it's not about you're a rock and roll guy oh yeah no i know i am i don't know any of the lyrics other than cat scratch fever done at no cat scratch fever done in a no cat scratch it's just about cat scratch you want me to look up the lyrics go on genius genius.com or whatever oh i have the

genius that guy the guy runs genius supposed to be a jerk Or something Oh well Someone said that He's a bit of a genius I mean he's a complicated genius I think probably Jimmy genius Well I know the guy Who wrote Cat Scratch Fever Is not a jerk

He's a really cool guy Who is it Is it Ted Nugent Ted Nugent Oh Ted Nugent Yeah he's He's pretty chill and cool

Yeah Yeah here's how cool and chill he is His album cover is the Buggiest eyes that you've ever seen That's a guy who I want to take some political cues from This is from the album Cat Scratch Fever Track 1 Cat Scratch Fever

Track 2 Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang What is it really? I always thought it was Wango Dango Sweet Poon Tango Poon Tango for 2-0 poontang oh yeah is it really what yeah i thought that i always thought it was wango dango sweet putango putango for two oh well i don't know where they come from but they sure do come i hope they come in for me and i don't know how they do it this is cats yeah yeah yeah but they sure do it good i hope they're doing it for free they This is cat scratch fever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they sure do it good. I hope they're doing it for free.

They give me cat scratch fever. Cat scratch fever. Well, the first time that I got it, I was just 10 years old. Late one night in the lab with a cat and it scratched me great. I got it from some kitty next door and I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure.

I think I got it some more. They gave me cat scratch fever. Cat scratch scratch fever i got a bad scratch fever the cat scratch fever it's nothing dangerous i feel no pain i've got the choo-choo train what you know you got it when you're going insane. It makes a grown man cry, cry. Oh, won't you make my bed? No. Won't you make my bed? Yeah.

I have a choo-choo train. Won't you make my bed? He's like a kid. I make the pussy purr with the stroke of my hand. They know they getting it from me. They know just when to go When they need their loving man They know I'm doing it for free Oh, that's nice

Oh, it's a full circle I give them cat scratch fever Cat scratch fever And there's a According to the genius Ain't no vaccine This is unreviewed annotation Believe it or not

There's a real cat scratch fever Caused by the bacterium bartonella hensel way well that's what yeah ted nugetonius wow oh that's crazy that's crazy yeah you crazy is it an std or is it like sweet loving no like i always thought that it was yeah it was the thing that it was like you get a cat scratch from a cat and it has bacteria and then you have to get an infection. That's what I always thought it was. Or that thing where it's like,

but the cat's giving it to you for free. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Um, uh, we also have overheards sent in. Oh,

we haven't done that yet. Yeah. From around the world. You want to send one in, you can send it in to SPY at MaximumFun.org. This first one comes from Meg from right here in Vancouver. Hi, Meg. The Meg. I teach at a secondary school, and there is a pod of grade 11 and 12s who gather by their lockers.

That's right, pods. And schools. Yeah. Sounds like a marine biologist. Are you sure you're not a shark as well? You are a meg. A few weeks ago, I happened to be walking out of my door

as one of my regulars sauntered in towards the group. One of the boys sitting on the ground looked up, saw his friend and called out, Bro, what's up? And said bro responded in a kind of sing-songy triumphant twang. Yo, microwave shrimp, microwave shrimp, microwave shrimp. What do you think that means? Is that the other kid's nickname?

Microwave shrimp's a good nickname. Yeah, I can see you calling somebody that because like microwaving any kind of seafood's pretty gross. Yeah, yeah can see you calling somebody that because like microwaving any kind of seafood is pretty gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you could see your friend like doing that and you'd be like, that's gross. And then you'd make a bunch of penis shrimp jokes or something like that. And then that'd be his nickname. That's pretty good. So it could be that. Yeah, I think. It could also be just what he wanted. Maybe he, maybe she missed that he pulled out like two

huge like paper bags or like soaked through and he had like microwave shrimp inside, very steamy. Yeah. We're gonna gonna prank the principal with some delicious shrimp you know he's allergic right yeah he's only allowed to have uh you know properly cooked shrimp we'll dip them with chocolate and tell them they're strawberries you know he loves that romantic shit tell them they're big pink cashews um yeah microwave shrimp

have you guys I can't eat seafood have you ever microwaved shrimp to reheat I have if they're like in a pasta oh yeah like that but never but like yeah that's the only way you don't ruin the microwave and the like surrounding

bomb blast area um did you ever work anywhere where people were big like it seems like a big work or shared um microwave situation where people are just like i'm gonna cook uh an entire trout in the microwave i reheated salmon once in an office that i worked at in the microwave and then learned that lesson real fast and then i was like oh shit and everyone's so pissed like what's that smell so gross oh that was just like trying to eat myself as fast as possible kevin your skin is so shiny and man i'm like ow oh the salmon is so cold. It hurts my mouth. Ah, frostbite.

That's just some cold-ass steam coming off of here. Now, one of these was somebody sent in a picture of something and then the picture didn't send in the email, so that one, I just take a mulligan on that one. So then we're

just doing two? We're just doing two. The other one comes from Katie in Port Angeles. This is overheard. This is in Washington. Yes. Not everyone knows where that is. I overheard in a meeting at work, my coworker, instead of saying carte blanche, first said carpet blank, and five minutes later said carpet blanket. I said it wrong before.

You've been giving me carpet blanket to use expressions. Carpet blanket. I also like the idea of just changing it every time until someone goes, correct! Like they're expecting somebody out in the world like a cashier like, I guess they gave you carte blanche.

That is the correct one. Like, I did it. Yeah. I'll just keep trying iterations of this until somebody clues me in. Yeah. Someone says that that's right. Because that's what happens all the time. Carte blanche. Oh, we actually did get one more overheard.

It's from Ted N. in Detroit, Michigan. What does he have to say? Ted nasty. It's going to be nasty. It said, the first time I got it, I was just 10 years old. I got it from some kitty next door.

I make the pussy purr with my big old glove. I like the cat scratch fever that's love. Skibby dibby doo, my train in my bed. I'm a 48 year old man. Yeah, that's what I said. It's like choo choo train in my bed i'm a 48 year old man yeah that's what i said it's like choo-choo

train make my bed like what's going on yeah he's like a little kid vroom vroom vroom in my choo-choo bed i'm fucking a pussy and i'm like he says pussy and stuff he gets so dirty it's just like it was written by a kid who doesn't know. Like, it's like, I need you to write me a song about sex. And the kid's like, I don't know, choo-choo train.

Sweating bullet. Oh, I know. Catch scratch fever. That's the whole thing. I pee-pee in the pussy in my choo-choo train. And the doctor takes my seed and he gives it to the woman.

The girl next door. I mail my seed to the girl next door. We're married now. Never before. Take some baby pills and away you go. The first time I did it, I was 10 years old. A grown up like mommy and daddy. I couldn't be more glad he asked.

In addition to overhearts that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. Spy Pod 1, like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and likely guest. This is Joe from Salem, Oregon. And I haven't overheard of the kids say the darndest variety.

It's my three-year-old daughter. I take her to preschool every morning. And we've been this last six months or so passing an office building they're building. And we talk about what they're up to. Oh, they're on the roof today or this or that. And this morning we drove by and they're putting in shrubbery. And i said look they're putting in bushes and shrubs uh that's called landscaping and she's in a pretty sour mood and she just says you think everything is called landscaping the art of the insults your landscaping

uh it is right isn't that that's like the first insult you learn is just to like turn it. Yeah. Just like you hear something. You're that. You're that. Structure, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're going to grandma's house. You're grandma's house.

Yeah. I got the choo-choo train. No, make my bed. You make my bed. Yeah. I'm 10 years old. I went to the doctor and they gave me the cure. But then they gave me some more. And I'm sick years old. I went to the doctor and they gave me the cure. But then they gave me some more.

And I'm sicker now. If you're ever writing a rock song and you're out of things, write about going to the doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good go-to. Like, you know, went to the doctor to find out what was wrong. You know. Doctor said or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't, I mean, you could even go to the witch doctor. Absolutely. These are all, find. And don't, but I mean, you could even go to the witch doctor. Absolutely. These are all, find out what condition your condition's in. Next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham, possible guest.

Hi. I was doing some spring cleaning. I came across a note that I made on Halloween. What? I was helping my brother-in-law and my sister hand out candy. At the end of the night, my brother-in-law said,

wherever the next kid is, just give him the whole bowl. I gave him a whole bowl of chocolate and all sorts of Hershey's candies. And the kid just looked up and said, diabetes, baby! Good line. I mean, I remember being that kid, being the last kid of the night and just being

able to get like just whatever was in the yeah yeah that doesn't happen here no i keep oh yeah yeah you you eat yeah so you spread it all over your watch i eat i butt back crotch you know what it might have been when i unwrapped all those chocolates and put them on my bed like money. Just want to roll around. Yeah, in my pants. Oh, boy. They gave me back crotch fever. Here's your final phone call.

Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is your friend Night Carl in Los Angeles. Night. This over here actually comes from Ontario, California. I heard a 60-something-year-old woman speaking into a telephone, standing with a couple others that looked like her, say, yeah, we're going to Lemonfest to see Led Zepp again. Oh, yeah. Because I just broke up with my boyfriend, and he plays in Led Zeppelin. Oh, yeah. Because I just broke up with my boyfriend,

and he plays in Led Zeppelin, their biggest rival. I'm going to get my picture taken with the drummer. Anyway, thanks. Awesome. Oh, man. What a journey. Zeppelin and Zeppelin? Zeppelin.

Wow, that's great. I don't know which one I like better, actually, of the two names. What's the Zep-a-gan pun? Zep-a-gan? Zep-a-gan. Zep-a-gan. Oh, Led Zep-a-gan and Led Zeplica.

I think Zeplica's my favorite. Led Zepla... Almost the same. Led Zoppleganger. I'm close. Yeah, I play in Led Benigans. Led Zoppleganger. But yeah, wow wow what a journey i mean really it's like uh uh

the whatever wicked woman and tangle web and uh cursed is the one who wears the crown and uh no you don't mess with the bully what's what a carpet blanket anom? Yeah, but what's the right one? Oh, a real... A woman scorned. A woman scorned is a Zeppelin lead. Revenge is the best served on a woman scorned. On a woman scorned, yeah. And also salmon is best served cold. Graffiti is best served physical. Anyone?

I got presents. Houses are best served Physical Anyone? I got presents Houses are best served Holy There you go Four Four A second there We're golfing

Is that Is Cause Led Zeppelin Huey Lewis has the album 4 Which is F-O-R-E Is that a reference to Led Zeppelin 4? He's such a cheeky guy He is so cute

Suing the shit out of Ray Parker Jr Not so cheeky now Well that brings us to the end of the episode Kevin What would you like to plug? Ah sure I'll plug for people who are in Vancouver Coming to Vancouver end of the episode uh kevin what would you like to plug ah sure uh i'll plug for people who are in vancouver coming to vancouver uh come see the sunday service uh every sunday

at the fox cabaret doors at 7 30 show at 9 um it's an improv show done with lots of former guests uh caitlin howden tasman wrestle aaron reed um mark chavez uh ryan bealal yeah and usually me and you know we'll have a musical guest some stand up guest musical guest

Yanni baby he's just like we're just trying to do a scene about a doctor and he's like he's like he's got a whole orchestra

yeah so I do that if you're in America there's a website called downs.org if you go in America there's a website called downs.org if you go on there it's America's

search engine America's search engine I'm you downs and this is big titty women that's kidding they like to read and here's those

big titty women who read your search results and it's always just photos of octopi for some reason he's just like I think this is

what you want it's not a very good search engine it's a bad search engine but people love for some reason. He's just like, I think this is what you want. It's not a very good search engine. It's a bad search engine, but people love it. But I look a lot like Jeeves. We have this conversation every few months. You down still alive? I don't know.

He was last time. Look up on downs.org. Okay, sure. Downs clock. Don't let me slow you down, Kevin. This is a website called vrv.co, Clock. Don't let me slow you down, Kevin. This is a website. It's called VRV.co, which is,

I guess it has like lots of different content, like cartoons and stuff from all over the place. And I made a cartoon with some friends. It's called Alan's Pole. If you can,

you can look that up on there, but only in America for some reason. Okay. Alan's Pole. Alan's Pole. Okay. A-L-L-E-N

apostrophe S P-O-L-E and it's about, Pole Allen's Pole A-L-L-E-N apostrophe S P-O-L-E and it's about it takes place in like the end of the 19th century and three people are trying to find

the North Pole and they're desperately lost in the Arctic yeah and it's funny and I didn't know about

you said this is a puppet show? it's a cartoon you son of a you know some kind of puppet show I'm coming for your puppet show you know what you can take that line and put it in your puppet show? It's a cartoon. You son of a bitch. Yeah, it's some kind of puppet show. I'm waiting for your puppet show. You know what? You take that line

and put it in your puppet show. Hey, I put that in one of your little puppet shows. I had a guy at work once, couldn't think of the

word improv, and he said, oh yeah, you did it in your charades. And I was like, fuck you. Two words.

Sounds like, fuck you. Sounds like, suck it. Hugh Dan's 98 years old. Wow. Yeah. Crushing it.

Inventor of the internet. Yeah. I'd say that's about it to promote. Oh, and of course, Super Sick podcast with Alicia Tobin. Listen to that. We just put out a new episode just a few days before May the 4th. So I guess a few weeks ago. Anyway, check it out on iTunes and stuff.

It's for people who are sick. Yeah. Thank you so much for. It's funny people talking are sick. Yeah. Thank you so much for... It's funny people talking about sick things. Sick things. That's right. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. Alicia's great, and we always have great guests.

And yeah, it's great. Yeah. Good time. Thank you so much, guys, for having me. Thank you, Kevin. That was a real treat. Yeah, and I apologize for any children out there for... I should have put an asterisk in all the dirty things I said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all the dirty things I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all the use. Well, they will go back over and use the asterisk filter to just put in. So we had a comment on some platform,

I forget, where someone was like, I usually listen with my kids, but they did one episode that was too filthy. Yeah. I was like, don't listen with your kids ever.

Yeah. We go all over the place here. So yeah. Yeah. Put this warning at the top of the episode. This episode is not for children. filthy yeah don't listen with your kids ever yeah we go all over the place here so yeah yeah put this warning at the top of the episode this episode is not for children just put a picture of ted nugent up front people will get it yeah they'll be like this is this is gonna be great yeah this episode's wild this is for me and my children um and uh thank you yeah everybody out there who's uh listening and check check in uh to see if we did the things I talked about earlier.

Yeah. Um, if you liked the show, uh, please, uh, tell, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.