Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 585 - Ivan Decker

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Comedian Ivan Decker returns to talk grappling hooks, dog birthdays, and bad neighbourhoods.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 585 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who came into this world as a reject. Look into these eyes. Dave Schumacher. Then you'll see the snails on my brain. Now you'll see the sails on my...

Now you'll see the size on my... This is going very well. It's going, we're doing the nookie. Everybody, do the sails on. Now you'll see the size on my. This is going very well. It's going, we're doing the nookie. To everybody, do the nookie. Do the nookie. It's just two steps to the left. Yeah, it's a brand new dance. It's been a while since everybody's been doing a brand new dance.

Yeah, and the nookie sweat the nation. Yeah, it was, hey, do the nookie, put your hat on backwards. There was a choreographed dance in the video. Yeah, put your hat on backwards. Where the shelter. Yeed dance in the video. Yeah, put your hat on backwards. Where the shelter. Yell at the camera. As he does. Low angle camera.

Yeah, yeah. Those are very big. He was being chased around in a pre, chased around by women in a pre-axe body spray age. Yeah, but a post-Beatles. That's true. You know, getting chased around. Post-Beatle mania. Yeah, it was post-Beatle mania.

Pre-axe Mania Oh Have you ever watched I think it's Help It might be the other one No it's not Help's the one where they ski right Hard Day's Night

I think it's a Hard Day's Night Sure Where they're being chased Through the streets And George just Like his toe catches The sidewalk And he goes

He just bails And then the women Just start tearing tearing him to shreds pulling out his head pulling out his seed our guest today one of our faves

it's so kind hilarious comedian you can find him on the internet at you know at Ivan Decker all over the place

actually not Instagram it's Ivan W. Decker damn it I couldn't get it oh shit there's another he's nice he's a nice man

oh okay follow him he's probably yeah follow the nice man he's from Texas he works for the Department of Defense oh

oh boy that's our nation's largest employer by our nation I mean america um it's ivan decker yeah so nice to be back thank you hello thank you thank you for coming back it is my absolute pleasure we had to snag you while you were in town that's right that's what that's happening to us an awful lot these days that we need to be snagged that we uh because we're normally we like to have like a one week buffer yeah and where we stay a week ahead of the episode now we've had a two-week buffer ever

since like phil handley was in town yeah so it's been uh yeah grab it's the pokemon you gotta grab more but the problem is that i never remember what i've talked about on the show like with that window i'm like oh surely i must have talked about this I do I get a memento tattoo every time we record an episode but what I was gonna say is two weeks ago we had Kevin Lee

on the show we talked about how we're probably gonna get that t-shirt made haven't done anything on that yeah yeah yeah

probably gonna start releasing those live episodes I don't see any but one thing we can announce is that you and I will be doing a live podcast at

JFL Montreal. Yeah, juste pour rire. And that is going to be on July 26th. In the afternoon. At two in the afternoon. You've got night plans. This could fit right into your day. That's great. That's when everybody gets up.

Everybody gets up at one. In the whole city. Well, well no just in that hotel yeah yeah we don't necessarily want to attract the comedians we'd like our fans to come see us oh yes of course uh but uh yeah so uh grab a bagel come on over on your lunch break yeah yeah, yeah. Should we get to know us? Yes. Get to know us. Ivan. Yes. When you were last here,

you were just moving to America. Yeah. And now you've moved and you love it. Yeah, I've figured it out. Yeah. Got it. I can fix all the problems. Oh, good. No, it's very fun. I'm Got it. I can fix all the problems. Oh, good.

No, it's very fun. I'm enjoying it. Isn't it so scary? Who's so scared all the time? It's pretty scary. I flew into a hurricane. I was flying to North Carolina a couple weeks ago, and the pilot was like, yeah, there's a hurricane, but I think we can do it. I was like, what?

You can't. We're caught in the hurricane. I was wrong. We can't. We're just spinning around around i'm having trouble at home i'm gonna go for it uh long long time ago i can still remember you shouldn't be singing that into the pa yeah and i was at the very back of the plane which is like the most wibbly wobbly yeah of the seats yeah so uh

it got it got pretty interesting the person sitting next to me put their hand on my knee really oh wow it was a real uh

I don't know up in the air is that a movie yeah sure that's a movie that yeah there's uh

maybe maybe there's almost an accident I don't know what happens in that I'm thinking of the one where's the one where Denzel Washington is the drunk pilot and he drives upside down.

Oh, I forgot what that was called. Flight risk? Oh, yeah. It was one of those ones that was just a number, I think. Yeah, yeah. 69. 69. Two planes flipped over. One flipped over.

One was going backwards somehow. What was North Carolina like? It was pretty fun. It's the birthplace of aviation. Oh yeah, it is. That's right. The Wright brothers are from Wilmington, right? I want to say Kitty Hawk.

Yeah, maybe. That sounds right. I'm going to look up this down. It's been fun kind of traveling around. Because I've been doing a lot of these college towns, which they don't really exist here as much as in America. I mean, we've got Guelph. Yeah, but the college town, like I was in Burlington, Vermont, which is a heavy college town. Same with Lincoln, Nebraska. And it's like, it's just, that's who's in the shows.

Dave, we've moved on from the Denzel one. Yeah, but I really want to know. Everybody's young. It's very cool and fun. And like, you know. I think because I've heard the college can. I think that's when you're performing at the college itself. I see.

When you're in the like, cafetorium, which I have not done, but only heard legends about. But this, I'm actually at comedy clubs. Flight. Well, that was worth it. It's just called Flight. Wow, of all the movies called Flight, that's the one. If I was on a game show and I had guests. If the game show was, how fast can you look at your phone?

I'd guess Flight Risk. Flight Risk is a great name but if i got it if would they give me the points he didn't say fight no i don't know our panel of judges says no i'm gonna start a game show that's called the losers judges in vegas i want a game show that's open book like i'd love to see a game show where you're just allowed to use your phone it's just like who's better at googling yeah that's not a bad idea there was a game show that's open book. Like, I'd love to see a game show where you're just allowed to use your phone. It's just like, who's better at Googling stuff? Yeah, that's not a bad idea. There was a game show that somebody had online that was,

will you give your phone to the game show host? And they went through things on your phone. Whoa. Yeah. And I was like, that's the highest stakes game show that has ever existed. I'll do it after I delete all the apps. No, I don't even have Twitter.'s your uh most embarrassing thing on your phone oh i don't even know just like some of my group chats get pretty specific on you know there's like boobs yeah yeah just like stuff we're talking about that i'm like i wouldn't want

people to know everybody's got like a group chat I don't I famously don't got rejected from a hockey one you're out of all the group chats that must be nice no it feels sad yeah I don't have

a group chat thing but I'm sure I must have photos that I would rather people yeah or there's like memes on my phone that I took a picture of

to like send as like this is can you believe how dumb this meme but then people would see it and be like he likes this or he likes this?

Or he invented this. Yeah, or I made this horrible meme. What's a meme that you would send to somebody and be like, this is a shitty meme? There's a lot of those just like bad Facebook mom memes. So it's like a minion and it'll be like,

rather be drinking wine than doing the dishes. Or something like that, you know? Those fucking minions. They hate the dishes. I mean, the mom has it completely wrong because minions, all they love to do is work. Isn't that their whole thing?

Or they just like to serve the most despicable. Yeah. There is. And I don't think they drink wine. They like bananas. Is that? I don't know. I don't know enough about my minion lore. I'm not up on that.

That's the total that I know about. That's it? No wine? Bananas? I don't know that there's no wine. Working every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they working for the weekend?

Who isn't um uh so you've you've been doing shows with like uh like famous famous uh comics from from days of yesteryear yeah days of current year yeah lost in los angeles california yeah where the stars live but like you said you did shows with pauliser. I didn't know that Paul Reiser was still doing stand-up. I thought those days Is Helen Hunt still doing stand-up? Yes, she's still doing

mostly in character as Jamie Buckman. I have not seen Helen Hunt. But yeah, it's pretty cool because it's like a lot of these older people who were kind of famous, but they're still wanting to do stand. I think a lot of them are like coming back.

Like Ray Romano had that new Netflix special. So I'm, I'm starting to get the feeling that a lot of these older comics who still have an audience out there waiting for them are like, yeah, I'll just do another special. Why not? Yeah. And so they're out there working on it.

And it's pretty cool. I'll take several million dollars. Yeah, of course. Why not? But like I'll take several million dollars. Yeah, of course. Why not? But like, yeah, Paul Reiser was like, because he also did like serious acting. Yeah, he was in Stranger Things most recently. Yeah, he was in Stranger Things.

That's right. He was in Alien. Oh, yeah, that's right. He was in Alien. Yeah. Beverly Hills Cop. Well, that goes back. That's not a serious. Yeah, it's right. He was an alien. Yeah. Beverly Hills Cop. Well, that goes back. That's not as serious.

Yeah, it was pretty serious. And are you enjoying, because you've been traveling a lot in the States. Yeah, it's a lot of indirect flights. Canada, there's a lot of direct flights. Whereas in the States, when you fly, most of the time you're going to transfer in one of the big hubs your minnesota's your uh uh phoenix arizona i thought you couldn't name another one yeah it's gonna freeze out of minnesota salt lake city is another one atlanta been through a lot so they you always have to like land at one and go to another and then there's always delays and it's crazy and so i'm learning about why

it's beneficial to be a new york comedian because when you're getting to the show you have time on your side right whereas in la you lose time zones and you have the time of the flight so a lot of these uh shows that i've been doing in the eastern time zone are you know in the colonies or whatever i have to uh i have to take a red eye or like get up at five in the morning and then i'm so crazy tired and then it's like go on stage immediately yeah as soon as i get like i had a show in michigan where i had the flight was delayed enough that i had to just land and go straight to the gate had to change in the car whoa it was like the most insane i was like so tired and crazy because i also have to take a lot of uh drugs dramamine

when i fly because i get i get really motion sick which i didn't realize would be uh this probably wasn't the career to choose right someone who rolleraster tester would have been better yeah then I could just be on drugs all the time but I have to like rollercoaster tester we brought in the guy there's gotta be a guy oh sure but like

it's like how fun was it yeah how many times did you put your arms in the air Ben and Jerry's ice cream tester

like his I don't know his chest is insured for like a lot of money in case he smells anything I don't know his chest is insured for like a lot of money in case he smells anything on it yeah why his chest

I was trying to think of like what part of your body is the most important for roller maybe arms I guess oh is it Ben and Jerry's

ice cream tester he's got the tongue insurance that was like the first oh when I was a kid that was like a story is that why he was holding his tongue's insured

for a million dollars is that why you wouldn't kiss me? Yeah, that's definitely why. Meanwhile, video game testers are just like the... Oh, they don't even do video game testers anymore. They used to be a paid position. Now video game companies just release a game before it's done.

Yeah, what's wrong with us? And then make the public who bought it go, hey, this sucks. Yeah, we'll fix it later. Thanks for giving us 80 bucks. But they used to, like,

I remember a kid, being a kid and it being like a dream job. Yeah. Playing video games all day. And then I knew enough people who were like, I am the lowest rung on the ladder

at this company. And it's not even like you get to play the whole game. They're like, do this one path and this one level 700 times. Walk down this hallway again. Yeah.

Did you ever do it? Video game testing? No. But I have been involved in beta tests, which is like, that's where you sign up and you can play a game before it comes out. And then it's like, you basically play it and then any bugs you have to like

report them and stuff. Ah, there was a bug in the room. No, I couldn't play today. I was too scared. Yeah, exactly. That thing about the guy's tongue

being insured because like was it Tina Turner's legs? Sure. There's a lot of like Lloyd's of London will insure anyone's body parts

for a million dollars. Yeah. But yeah, I remember specifically like something about, was it her legs or was it somebody else's legs? I think it's her legs. Sure. Yeah.

For a million dollars. It seems low. It seems low. If that's her, her claim to fame, if her legs are. Back in the nineties though, a million dollars is a seems low if that's her her claim to fame if her legs are back in the 90s though a million dollars was a lot of money i think it might have been the 80s yeah 80s that's a lot it's true it's like gordon gecko and wall street probably only had a million dollars and

he was like the top whenever i'm i don't have to think about her legs when I hear her music yeah they're not really instrumental yeah she also had like the best voice ever it's crazy that people are like yeah the legs what about the voice or the vocal chords it's music right we got enough on tape well we already blew our load on that

Ben and Jerry's guy his vocal chords we blew our load On his chest With some shirt Gross On his tongue Ew Oh boy

Um Do you Do you Uh Because of the motion sickness Roller coasters And the like Are all out

Uh Yeah Yeah Any Any spinny ride is pretty bad. But I will sometimes take Dramamine and go to an amusement park. And then I'm just tired on the ride. I'll do that too. I've done that.

Take Dramamine? Grab all. Yeah. Just go nuts. But I still don't like the spinny ones. No. But, like. I like going forward.

Going forward. I can never relax enough. Me go fast. What does Sonic the Hedgehog say? I go fast now. Yeah. Yeah, that movie that we got so mad about. Speaking of beta testing.

Yeah. Man, what. What. These are the things we come together on as a society there's a lot of problems that we could be focusing on but we're all like well it's like sonic's too slender i don't like his legs he's giving me too many feelings turner's legs in here I've got a million dollars. That's not how it works. Yeah, if you can outbid Lloyds of London.

You can have the legs. You can summon the legs. Now, do they come with shoes, or do I got to have my own shoes? Bring together the Lloyds of London superhuman. Yeah, the Ben and Jerry's tongue. Peter Turner's legs. The chest of this... The chest of the roller coaster guy.

Or his stomach where he gets the butterflies. Yeah. There must be someone with an iron stomach who, you know... The hot dog eating contest guy. Yeah, yeah. Joey Chestnut. Yeah. The Rock's arms.

Jason Statham's head. Oh, boy. That's what that new Hobbs and Shaw movie's about, right? What's that movie? It's a spinoff of the Fast and with the rock yeah the rock and statham finally right get cut off all the other this this is giving the fans exactly what they want yeah um we didn't uh was it jaw rule who was offered the ludicrous role oh Oh really? And turned it down. Oh really? Yeah. Yikes. And now he's

Firefest man. Yeah. And ludicrous is doing no work being in these movies. Yeah. But I always like when somebody gets

that kind of gig where it's like they're just gonna keep making these. Yeah. You just gotta show up and like. Yeah.

And he's the computer guy which is the easiest role. Yeah. Where you literally just have to be like, I'm in. Yeah. It's got to be a backdoor

somewhere into this system. Oh, over here. Click clack. Yeah, the... Have you seen any of the Fast and the Furious films? Yeah, I watched... What was the last one I saw?

The one where they all had grappling hooks for no reason. I think I was seven. Did the cars have grappling hooks? Everybody. Everything. They were all just pulling out grappling hooks left and right. It was like the movie. They were like, hey, we got these grappling hooks.

We got a deal on them. And so like so many scenes, they were just like packing and just like sliding over. Was Paul Walker still in that one? I think that was the one right after where they had the like tribute at the end. And they replaced him with Paul Reiser. Do more dramatic roles. Yeah. Let's go fast.

We're going slow. Not so much. I feel like that was something he used to say. Not so much. I feel like that was something he used to say, not so much. If Paul Reiser had a catchphrase, I think we could safely say it was not so much. Yeah, I think we've been over this. The thing about a grappling hook is it works in movies and stuff, but 100% of the time wouldn't work in real life, right?

I don't know. Where would you grapple onto on most buildings? Most buildings are just like a sheer front now. There's no... Yeah. Or a house, it would be like the gutter, and you would yank it off. Yeah, a lot of times I think whatever it hooks onto would not be load-bearing enough. Yeah.

You'd just be pulling pieces of the building down, and they would hit you in the head. Yeah. As you're slowly demoing a building yeah that's not so much a grappling hook as a shingle remover yeah exactly and then like the thing with a grappling hook is it would be in that gun or whatever so that's a single use then you've got to like re like rope a gun oh yeah I guess so like a parachutist like a harpoon that was the original grappling hook

it was just for attaching the ship to a whale we're gonna water ski behind this whale just pull the whale's fin off oh no I got the blowhole behind this whale. Just pull the whale's fin off. Oh, no. I got the blowhole. And then are you climbing it up like a rope or is there a little motor in the gun that pulls you up?

Oh, yeah. I'm used to the Batman-esque. Yeah. But that's got to be. But there's that, like a tiny little motor that can support your whole body. Yeah. Also in your hand,

like who's strong enough to just yank your arm out of the sock. Maybe it'll be, uh, you know, you can, uh, harness yourself. Yeah.

But it's like, it seems like a grappling hook is like the last thing that you'd want to rely on. I think movies, it's like, yeah. Would one of those spy stores have them i wonder there's a tactical it's not a spy store but it's like a tactical gear store in the the mall by uh city hall there

really yeah and it's got like it's got it's weird it's one of these stores where it's like well we don't have enough tactical gear so we'll also sell lord of the rings yeah that's great i remember when i was a kid i was obsessed with those spy stores i was like i really want to go in there because i didn't realize like it's all just guys trying to cheat on their wife like that or catch their wives yeah this makes your penis invisible infidelity is the main reason for these spy stores. Yeah, it was all little cameras. I feel like when I went into the spy store, it was like, here's a camera that goes in an alarm clock.

Yeah. Here's an alarm clock that's on a camera. We have both. You want to disguise your pre-existing camera. Did you ever go on that spy star? No. It very much felt like

exactly what you're saying. Like, probably private investigators, that's where they got stuff to catch insurance from. Yeah, they had those long-distance sound microphones. Yeah, with the little

dish around it, like a sideline guy in the nfl yeah what if you were a private investigator you were listening about every other conversation you heard was just somebody talking directly about you just like that guy in the car over there i think he's listening to us he's pointing that microphone at us what is that i don't know he looks like a loser there's some creep over there pointing something at it could be a grappling hook get out of the way i like it in uh in baseball how they all like hide their mouth

whenever they talk because they're afraid that people are gonna like read lips and they do really yeah really yeah wow uh really like they bring in a lip reader to like figure out the play or something yeah they want to know what the pitcher's talking about if they ever let it slip that's why they all talk into their glove yeah or the football coach will cover his mouth uh with a you know piece of paper is that board is that a hockey thing as well? Or is that only... Hockey's pretty random. You're not really setting up a lot of plays. Alright. Just like we practiced.

Punch that guy. I've been watching a lot of basketball and hockey this playoffs. I never really did before. But I... And not even Toronto, I'm not even Toronto. I don't, I'm not even that interested in the Canadian.

You just want to watch. I just, I just, I think it's fun. I think it is, but I don't get, speaking of coaches, I don't get why no one like they don't police the sidelines.

People just step onto the court. It's crazy. Like every time a basket got scored, everyone just runs in there and I'm like, hey, what the, aren't you playing a game? They're just constantly getting out of their chair

like, ah. Like there's very, there's only like a foot between the chairs and the sideline but you should adhere to that. Like the players can't go outside,

you can't go inside. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I always thought It was weird that It's Cause it's the only sport Where you can be like

Right on the playing surface Football You can be right on the grass Yeah yeah yeah Oh Oh I didn't know Yeah Oh

That's news to me And Oh you mean in terms of fans Yeah Oh Yeah yeah yeah Where you're allowed to just like Be on the playing surface

With the players Yeah I don't think the fans No Sure But yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you're allowed to just like be on the playing surface with the players. Yeah, I don't think the fans. No. Sure. But yeah, basketball you can get courtside if you're like Drake.

Yeah. Yeah. Drake at all. Does Jack Nicholson, does he still do it? I don't know that he still does. Does anybody wear

sunglasses in there just as a tribute? Corey Hart at night. Yeah. Corey Hart is sitting courtside for Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson's in his 80s now, right? Yeah, I think so. That stands to reason.

Yeah. Cool. But I think, like, an 80-year-old can enjoy a basketball game. I guess so, yeah. I was thinking about this the other day. Like, he kind of retired does he know he'd retired i think like gene hackman retired yeah and i think jack nicholson he was like he couldn't remember his line so he's like i'm not doing this anymore

um but i also like i'm like if he had stayed around he probably would have gotten canceled right jack nicholson oh sure yeah something would have come up i think he like the i think he was kind of can't he like people overlook it but he's basically a monster canceled yeah yeah he's like a weird party guy i heard a story i forget who it was but somebody told a story once about inviting him to a party and like he stayed later than everyone it was like somehow they were like a low like producer duo you know and they just had their first movie like we should invite jack nicholson as a joke and then he showed up and then wouldn't leave you gotta get out of here man he's like i'm staying yeah and then on the witches of east he's only at witches of eastwick

fast forward to anger management please yeah Eastwick. Wow, boy. He's only at Witches of Eastwick. Fast forward to anger management, please. Yeah. What would his last movie have been? The Departed?

Oh, yeah, maybe. No, he played, he was in a movie where he played a guy. pulling out my phone. Yeah, pull out

your phone for this. Yeah. He had to shave his head for, he played a guy who was dying of cancer.

About Schmidt. About Schmidt. About Schmidt. No. No. Maybe something Bucket List era. Oh, was he in Bucket List? Yeah, he was. It was him and Paul Reiser.

He played the bucket. He was the bucket. He was the talking bucket. He got his bucket insured for a million dollars. he got his bucket insured for a million dollars uh the bucket list was his second last movie they're saying he's in that i'm still here documentary the guaheem phoenix one okay but who cares and final the final movie how do you know how do you know could you tell me anything about this movie is that as good as it gets another one is anyone with paul rudd no no oh sorry yeah i thought you're gonna say paul rice

it's paul rudd uh reese witherspoon and jack nicholson the four it's a james l brooks oh okay the four they're the same class. They all kind of came of prominence at the same time, those four. Yeah. Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson. Jack Nicholson. Yeah. Yep.

All similar in age and disposition. Well, we were going to give this role to Ron Livingston, but we went with Jack Nicholson. 2010 was that one. So he's been out of the game for nine years. Nine years. And then I feel like there's just been a lot of, speaking of memes and stuff, there's a lot of pictures of old Jack Nicholson that have been turned into like. Yeah. Well, the biggest picture that goes around is him being asked to sign a heath ledger joker

headshot oh yeah and him he's making a great like face about it yeah yeah wait till they get a load of me and there's another one of him uh at the beach uh in the water eating a sub sandwich without a shirt that. That sounds amazing. Yeah. I think it's my favorite. I think that's when you know you're retired. Yeah. I can eat a sub at Publix.

That's what TMZ is getting of you. Just an ocean sandwich. What if I dip this in the water? Why the hell not? The ocean's basically cold soup this needs a little salt and moisture it's a little salt and a lot of water if you're in an under seasoned hot dog eating competition you can do that You can do that What's your favorite town That you've toured to

In all of these I really liked I was just in Seattle They're great Of course Pacific Northwest Similar vibe to here And

I also really liked Burlington Vermont Was great Very cool Home of Bernie Sanders It's also the Ben and Jerry's.

It's from there. You pointed to me. I thought you were going to say Burlington Code Factory. Yes, the code factory everyone's very familiar with. But it was fun. It was like kind of a college town. The club there was really cool. The manager was

a big comedy fan and it's close to New York, so they have a lot of really good acts come through. And just a really great sort of vibe in there. The audience is trained well. They are big comedy fans, so it was a really, really fun weekend. Bernie Sanders and the guy who created... Kentucky Fried Chicken? Colonel Sanders. Colonel Sanders. what do you think of that um are they the same guy they've never been seen apart they look exactly the same yeah they both have the wild oh ben or jerry white hair and the glasses

and the exact balding pattern i saw a video where bernie sanders was like introducing him at a rally and i was like it's like he's introducing himself like if something happens to me we gotta back up he was spotted while i was there like in a grocery store and somebody like took a photo of him like bernie or ben or jerry and they're like he's buying soup. Of course he is. Yeah. I was like, of course he likes Progresso or something. Because he's progressive. Yeah.

That's like a Bernie Sanders joke book for kids. With Bernie Sanders' favorite soup. Yeah. Oh, boy. yeah oh boy vermont the one where every is that the one that's live free or die uh no that is uh one of the ones up there new hampshire yeah new hampshire okay i think live free or die is there like license plates yeah wow yeah it's intense i forget what vermont's is but it's like pretty i think it's pretty tame ice cream state yeah oh no it's the green mountain state that's right because i was opening my act by being like i'm from california the brown mountain state and everybody was like boo i mean i like to start slow you haven't lived in california

long enough to say you're from there Yeah, we don't like it Like, I have a zip code, no one cares What is your zip code? 9-0 Graham and I are going to guess Does it start with 9-0-2? Nope Does it start with 9-0?

Yes 9-0-4-6-6 9-0-3-8-2 No God. I know four, six, six, nine Oh three, eight, two. Uh, no, my, uh, my agency's,

uh, zip code is nine, which is pretty exciting. That is exciting. That's exciting. Cause I have to mail them checks and they're like, Hey, don't drop by the office though

I assure you we have one just mail those checks yeah it's not a Kinko's if that's what you're thinking it's Ian's earring working at a Kinko's rural route 7 I'm sure there's a lot of rural routes in Beverly Hills yeah in Beverly Hills there's a lot of rural routes in beverly hills there's the the rodeo drive rural route seven

i don't understand why traffic's such a mess there if they got all those rural routes that you can take yeah there's 66 routes uh dave what's going on with you, man? Well, this is something I don't remember if I've talked about on the show because of how we record it these days. Although next week we're taking a week off. Not for the listeners, but you and I are going to be in different places at different times. Yeah. So we're going to catch up a little bit.

But so a few weeks ago, stop me if you've heard this one all right we went to a birthday party for a four-year-old nice and uh it was a great uh uh theme of the birthday party it was a uh like a ballerina ninja scavenger hunt party oh that's incredible so there were like two uh they broke up the kids into two groups and ballerinas and ninjas ballerinas basically and they did like a little dance class and then the ninjas went and did a scavenger hunt okay and so uh margo did the little dancing dancing thing yeah and then that ate up like half an hour and so they swapped and they're like any kid who Didn't do the scavenger hunt now

Can go and do it Oh nice And they live across the street From a park So They took the kids On the scavenger hunt And like

Now I think I know What a scavenger hunt is Mm-hmm Clues? I think there were clues Okay I didn't go on it

Clues lead to new clues Well Sometimes the clues lead to I clues well sometimes the clues lead to i think in this case it was the clue is like go to the whatever sandwich that is wet yeah because there's two different types of scavenger hunt there's like one is like if you can find all these different things like take a picture of a guy with a feather in his hat yeah find a bus stop right and then others are like what you're describing is like there's a clue that leads to another clue that leads to another clue yeah i think that's what it was especially because they

were four-year-olds and so there was one grown-up leading all the kids through so i think this clue means and then basically telling them where to go next the tree yeah the tree and so you you get like i don't know a gumball or whatever yeah but the last thing uh was like the big treasure at the end of it was were these slap bracelets oh yes and that were those the i don't know how this became how this took us 2 000000 years of civilization. By the way, I think the planet's 2,000 years old. As is written. But those sequins, it's mostly on kids' stuff that something will have a picture in sequins and it'll be like a blue unicorn.

And then you wipe the sequins. Oh, yeah, they flip. They turn into a pink unicorn. Yeah. But yeah, there were those kinds of slap bracelets that were made out of technology yeah slap and sequin wow and uh there was like he had the dad had put this like cup of like 10 uh slap bracelets in this location led all the kids there around the park for a few minutes. Finally got to the location. Someone had stolen...

Oh, no. Another scavenger hunt? Oh, hey, look. They just see a kid running off with ten slap bracelets. I don't think it was a kid. I think it was a grown-up.

That park is full of, like, hip grown-ups. Oh, yeah. If I saw a cup full of slap bracelets, I'd be hard-pressed not to sneak one for myself. Yeah. One! Yeah, yeah.

But if I was with nine of my friends... Yeah. It's like trick-or-treating, and someone's left out a cup of slap bracelets. You gotta look on Craigslist for those slap bracelets. Somebody told me that the slap bracelet is the same as the uh like a measuring tape or like the oh yeah i've seen that like they use old measuring tapes to make slap bracelets and that that's because somebody showed me they peeled one apart once and it was like an old measuring tape inside someone showed me that one i think i think. Somebody right around the back of the tuition ad.

Hey, you want to see something? Okay. You want to see something weird? I love shed knowledge. Yeah, so there was a big... So that must have been like... Did the person just go, okay, just keep adding clues? He felt so bad especially but like the kid

half the kids had got them right no no no this was a set also half the kids had but this new group of kids none of them got them yeah and it was it was just a bummer yeah that's terrible amargo took it pretty well yeah nice she learned how to dance yeah also she learned the the value of disappointment there's like no i kids just get toys not stop these days everything has a toy attached yeah yeah um yeah like how long would that slap bracelet either it would be fascinating for 30 seconds and then forgotten about or it would be something that when margo's like 30 she finds it in a junk drawer like well oh we're pretty good at getting rid of stuff that's lost interest oh she won't miss this she forgets this existed yeah um but uh yeah so that was that was

that the other thing was yesterday as you guys know was my dog's 15th birthday 15 years young and we did we continued the tradition of uh abby makes a hat with his age on it we have a little photo shoot in the backyard yeah and make a little cake out of um dog treats and peanut butter like basically just spell out whatever his age is in peanut butter and, and attach kibble to it. He was not so interested in it this year. Yeah. Yeah.

As you get older, you get okay. It really is that way of like, ah, don't, don't waste it on me. Like it's like an old man would be. Yeah.

Yeah. The way that, uh, at Thanksgiving, your older relatives are always like, do you want some cake grandma? Ah, just a sliver.

Make it really tiny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want it to, Grandma? Ah, just a sliver. Make it really tiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want it to, you'll be able to see through it, like prosciutto. I want a tiny slice of cake. Yeah, take the cake over to the meat slicer. That's all I want. Just a ribbon of cake.

Yeah, I'm going to get 200 grams of cake. Just a ribbon. Well, yeah, it is. It's that's kind of classic. I want to make a sandwich with this cake. Just some fruit. If there's some fruit on it, I'll just have a piece of the fruit or, you know. Yeah.

So he didn't eat it at all or he was just kind of like. He sniffed it a bit. But, you know, dinner was coming up. But still, I was like, you should be, you know, you know primed to eat yeah and now he's like no no thanks thanks anyway yeah we were feeding him to get him to look at the camera we were feeding him tiny bits of chicken and he was eating those yeah yeah once he really eats he eats two things yeah yeah yeah he's chicken and kibble and like is he keto he's he's he does i keto just a tiny little stick oh i don't know he might be keto yeah i don't i don't know he's ripped

i was talking to somebody who's who's, who lost like over 100 pounds on keto, which is that, I don't know if it's a fad or if it's a thing that's... Everybody's doing it. Everybody's doing it. Yeah. Do you know what it is? My friend wrote a cookbook of it. Yeah, yeah.

I have the cookbook at my house. I don't know what it means, but it's just like... I think of keto for me, like when I've had keto meals. Keto for me. Keto for me. What is keto to all of us? To me, the experience I've had with keto is that if you order something that is keto, when you're done eating it, you're still hungry.

Yes. Even though it's $13. That's like, that feels like all... And you're allowed to just just like eat like as much meat or something i think it's meato keto yeah it's just like don't have sugar or and then you can like also test your urine to see if you're in ketosis that's like the weird part of it that's what's different than like is it a taste test yeah yes. Yes. The Ben and Jerry's guy. Come over. He'll tell you if you're keto or not.

That million dollar tongue. Yeah, there's like a strip or something. Yeah, you get these like keto strips. But that's just the fun. Do you want to be in ketosis? Yes. Okay. Yeah, you want to be in ketosis as much as possible.

Because it basically means your body's burning the stored fat. Okay. Keto. Keto. Not making new fat. No. With sugar. But, you know, it sounds a lot like the Atkins.

It's very much similar to the Atkins, yeah. Like, don't eat. It sounds a lot like the Atkins. It's very much similar to the Atkins. Like, don't eat. But then it also sounds similar to every diet that my doctor has ever said, you should do this. There's no portion control, I don't think. Like, they're still not focusing on... It's like calories.

I've heard that anybody who's like a fitness person is just like, calories in, calories out. That's it. That's all you have to focus on. Just don't eat more than you burn. You'll lose weight. Easier said than done. Yes, very. Very much so. Yeah. You're just hungry all the time yeah yeah yeah and i and i'm not you know uh distracting myself by lifting so many heavy heavy weights um yeah it's uh calories in

calories out i don't talk to these people yeah i don't like talking to them. As soon as they start, I'm like, I gotta go. I'm out. Calories in, Ivan out. Yeah, exactly. That's also my policy at restaurants. I skip on the bill a lot. Yeah, sign and dash. Calories in, Ivan out.

Also, keto shot first happy Star Wars month everyone I've made June the 3rd be with you or whatever that's when this episode comes out so yeah that's me gave my dog a birthday

and he's so very old. And I didn't find any slap bracelets. Man, oh man. But they didn't have any extra slap bracelets at the party in case something like this would have occurred. Well, who would have thought it? Yeah, who would have thought hiding something in a tree, things might go sideways. But in 20 minutes, the like yeah view of everyone yeah like someone should have been watching i guess you need to have like a prize

or is it possible he forgot what tree it is and those slap bracelets are still sitting there's a squirrel there we're in a bunch of slab bracelets a dead squirrel with what's going on with you uh this past weekend i went to uh edmonton alberta wonderful alberta's capital um for the first ever grindstone comedy festival which was a comedy festival it was all centered in this theater called the Grindstone Theater. Cool. Which is like an independent comedy venue off of White Avenue. They're bustling. Party Street.

I've never been. I've been to Edmonton many times, but always just downtown. It's definitely like the street that you would go to if you're like, want to have a drink. Trouble. Yeah. The street that you would go to if you're like, want to have a drink. Trouble. Yeah. Because downtown, I always stayed downtown and you just like, there's nothing going on

downtown. Yeah, yeah. There's a stadium and there's nobody is playing in it right now. Uh-huh. So it's empty. There's that bar we went to where there was a guy doing covers by himself, I think. Yep. And there's wind in every direction.

Somehow they built their city so that wind hits it at all the angles and follows you through corners. Nice. Yeah. It's its own windy city. Canada's own windy city. It's got a bust of Gandhi. Oh, yeah. I didn't see the bust of Gandhi this time.

And then so does Saskatoon. Yep, it does. Yeah. And it's not the same one. We know it's not. And the Gandhi one is near the Tommy Douglas one. That's right. When he's a kid talking to Diefenbaker. Yeah.

Which is kind of a weird. Wait, wait, wait. It's in Saskatoon. Tommy Douglas wasn't a kid when Diefenbaker. Maybe it's the other way around then. It's one of them's a kid one of them's the prime minister And he's like handing him a scroll I think they were pretty contemporary

But maybe someone else Maybe one of them's a young man I don't know It could be two others I don't know Yeah but it is Probably Tommy Douglas for sure They love T. Duggs out there And Saskatch For those Americans listening for sure it is time and then they love uh t doug's out there and for those those americans

listening uh tommy douglas is the father of uh single-payer health care no uh yeah single parents single-payer universal health universal health care and uh the mother uh we don't know we don't know it was dropped off on his doorstep. He raised it himself. Yep. He's also the father or grandfather of Kiefer Sutherland. That's right. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah.

That's right. It's a little trivia for you 24 fans out there. That's right. You 24 heads. Yeah. You power boys. Ah! you 24 heads yeah you power boys um but yeah i was staying downtown and then uh somebody made a recommendation to me uh for a vegetarian taco place over they said here's it's a good vegetarian

restaurant and uh so i looked it up and it did skip the dishes, but I don't, I've never done that before. And I was like, eh, it's only a seven minute walk. Uh, according to Google maps, I'll just walk over there, eat at the restaurant. And, uh, I didn't realize like, like the city is a very drip. It's a driver city, city built for cars. Uh, not so much walking, uh, friendly. a very, it's a driver city. It's a city built for cars. Not so much walking friendly. And I

didn't realize that I had to walk through pretty bad area of town to get to where this restaurant was. Because Google Maps doesn't like draw. It's not like, hey, don't go through there. You see the bus station here? That's a clue, right? So it was like, hey, don't go through there. You see the bus station here? That's a clue, right?

So it was like I had walked by an abandoned casino and that was a haunted amusement park. Was this a murder podcast all of a sudden? Was Scooby-Doo there? Scooby-Doo was there. It was a day off, though. It wasn't solving crimes. He wasn't meddling with anybody? No.

I'm going to a regitarian restaurant. I'm in Ritosa. So, yeah, I had to walk through this very, like, and you know when you're walking to a place and you don't know how far it is, it always seems longer than the trip back. So you just feel like, ah, Google Maps really missed, misguessed how long.

Yeah, you're like, how fast are they walking? Yeah. Because it was way longer than seven minutes and it was also, it was, they don't rank it like

it's going to be seven minutes but scary. So it's going to feel like, it's going to feel like at least 14 minutes. Oh, yeah. That's what they need. They need a different color

dotted line for spooky yeah like you know traffic is like red when you're driving yeah yeah red when you're walking for spooky times frankenstein green yeah um and then i got to the restaurant and it was a mother's day so it was packed oh it was packed sorry there, there's no seats. I said, I'll sit at the bar. There's many seats at the bar. No, there's no seats at the bar. So they didn't want me sitting at their bar, I guess. So I was like, I'll just order something to go. And they were like, fine.

Fine. They did not seem like they wanted you there. No, they didn't. What was wrong? Why did they hate you so much? Well, I think they could tell that I just walked through the bad neighborhood i had bad neighborhood stink on me yeah it's terrible yeah they didn't see you pull up in a truck they're like yeah none for you yeah this guy walked in trouble yeah um also there was like it was like classical uh bad neighborhood where

there was like there's papers blowing around in the wind like it was it was very like a movie yeah like a movie set there's a wolf howling for some reason the streets are all wet but it hasn't rained was there steam coming out of it yeah there was steam coming out of all sorts of things out of the abandoned casino was all steam was coming out um and then uh when i so i was sitting and waiting for the food and then like no less than six uh like food to go service oh door dash or oh yeah skip the dishes or whatever guys we're all sit we're all sitting on the same bench i was the only one that wasn't delivering to somebody else and uh i've i've never used one of those services before uh but they all know each other oh which i didn't oh i guess in like a smaller city yeah yeah they

run into each other in these very foyers of restaurants yeah and so they all had kind of like business to kind of chat about what's going on with you. That's your Prius. Yeah, yeah. Good mileage. That bag's still retaining heat. Yeah, your zippers. My zippers are no good on my bag. You should go to my seamstress. You got a bag, girl?

Seamstress to go. But yeah, I never thought that, I just thought everybody's a free agent in this oh yeah this gig economy i didn't think anybody knew yeah but yeah they all knew each other and they were looking at me like where's his skip the dishes bag yeah is there a new one that i can sign up yeah yeah uber eats i like i order from those things a lot and i like that they uh they have a rating system like Uber, of course. You have to rate your delivery person.

But the interaction with the delivery person is so short that everybody's trying to pack as much customer service into that tiny handoff as possible. So it becomes this insane thing where you're like, Hi, how are you? Oh, thank you so much. Here's your food. Thanks. Have a great day. You too. Have a wonderful day. I love you. Bye. thank you so much here's your food thanks have a great day you too have a wonderful day i love you bye like a pizza delivery person has to take your money but yeah with these things it's already paid

for it's such a quick handoff yeah so like yeah pizza guy you can have a little bit of a chat but this person just sometimes they don't even get out of the car they're just like and you just like get it off their passengers yeah i had a pizza guy just open the pizza bag and at like hold it so that i would pull out the pizza i was like well come on at least do the unveiling yeah yeah yeah open it yeah you sniff it and say if it's okay oh man um the uh i went to get a uh you skip the dishes just for pickups just because it's easier than calling someone in a busy restaurant where they're like it's loud they did a pickup yeah that's cool and so you can just you know make sure your order's right and then when you pick it up it's there and but they were not used to that at this pizza place i went to and i said yeah i made a

skip the dishes order and the woman there was like where's your bag yeah yeah the imposter but i feel like and she felt so and i was like oh and the other employee corrected her and she felt so bad and i was like i don't care it's no big deal okay like it's fine you're gonna get a bad star she was so embarrassed but i could probably buy a skip the Dishes bag on eBay, say, and then just walk into any restaurant around 6 o'clock and just be like, yeah. Food. Yeah, food, please.

Food in here. What number? Yeah, I got an order for Robert. Well, they'll say. They'll go, order 10723. That's me. And you go, yep, that's the one. It's Chinese food.

And you go, yep, that's the one. It's Chinese food. It's like even getting in a Lyft or an Uber at the airport. It's like they have to say your name. You have to make sure you're getting in the right. Because you're supposed to look at the license plate, which that's the easiest. Because it's on your phone. You just look at it on the car. Most people don't do that.

I've had people try to get in my car. Yeah, and there's been people who have like accidentally got in yeah get in the wrong thing when i was in uh arizona i was getting a lift like late at night i'm standing in the lift area and this random car just drives up and he was like hey you waiting for a ride and i was like yeah no i got one coming he's like get in i'll give you a ride i'm like that's not how this works. You obvious murderer. Have you ever seen the movie Taken? Come on, get in. Nah, I'll take ya.

What? Is this working? It was insane. I'll take ya. Nah, I'll do it. It's like, you're not even a taxi. It's just like a guy in a Corolla. You're not even my type. You're not even my type of murderer. Who's everybody's type of murderer? Oh, boy. I mean, take our quiz.

Top hat and a vest. Yes. I would love to be murdered by someone in a waistcoat. Yeah. So you're kind of like an antique classical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Ted Bundy, but Zac Efron Ted Bundy. I'm going to be a guy who is in a cult.

And the cult leader makes us all drink a poison that we didn't know that we were going to drink. Oh, yeah, that's fun. That's fun to die with everyone. I'm watching the Lorena Bobbitt documentary. What? I didn't know there was one. That's good, yeah. What's it called?

Chopped? Yeah. Chopped Jr. Chopped. Oh, that's dig on him more like chopped junior it's called Lorena it's on Amazon Prime and it's yeah like I was whatever

12 when it happened yeah yeah yeah in my mind like Joey Buttafuoco john bovitt um you know jeff galooly they're all these were the all-stars yeah this is my mount rushmore yeah it's crazy to think about how like hugely widespread like if that happened today it would be like something you scrolled by on buzzfeed like somebody chopped against whatever but now like back then it was in like rap so it was a punch line for months it was uh years martin lawrence when he did his monologue that got him banned forever on snl that was part of it oh really yeah yeah was he talking about lorraine bobbitt and i think he he called it a Billy Bopper was the name that he used for a penis.

For a penis was Billy Bopper. Yeah. It's at the very beginning. They don't, they don't have the audio of it, but they have the transcripts of the police radio. Yeah. And they,

they, the police didn't want, uh, any, like they knew that the press is always listening on, on the police radio. So they didn't want to mention a penis at all so they were like yeah we've got a guy down here at the hospital and uh we're just

we're gonna have to reattach his dignity so he had it i heard that somebody threw it out the window yeah lorena threw it into a field or whatever and so they had to but they did reattach it because he ended up making a because he ended up making a porno he did yeah oh wow i just remember there's like a lot of like it was a joke like a street joke from when i was a kid it was like these two stoners are driving behind loretta bobbitt and she throws the dick out the window and it hits their windshield and one guy looks the other guy goes whoa did you see the size of the dick on that bug? Pretty good. Anyway, it's an interesting documentary.

All these years later. Can't stop making jokes about it. It's still really funny, but. It funny it's funny but uh she's not the villain in it no no no uh it's funny that a penis gets chopped off and thrown and like there's like it's stuck to some guy's window and he's trying to windshield wiper it off and there's a uh the surgeon there's like... He gets stuck to some guy's window and he's trying to windshield wiper it off. And there's a... The surgeon there is like... He gets called in, but he's like... But they hadn't found the dick?

He's like, well, I can't do anything. Can you stitch a thumb? Don't you have a thumb around here? Somebody did go and find it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then later in the documentary... I gotta watch this documentary.

He meets up with the people and he's like, hey, thanks for finding it. And they're like, no problem. Do you want to see it? They're like, no, it's cool. We already saw it. You'll never believe it, but the doctor stitched it all backwards. Is that one of the body parts in our superhuman that is that? Oh, yeah.

Million dollar wiener. one of the body parts in our superhuman that is that one? Oh yeah. It's a million dollar wiener. Oh boy. Do we want to move on to some overheard? Sure. Welcome. Thank you.

These are real podcast listeners not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me. Power. I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan Jesse Go. Jordan Jesse Go? They came out of the floor and down from the ceiling? That can't be safe. I'm upset. Can we go now? Soon.

Jordan Jesse Go, a real podcast. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world and then we talk about them here on the podcast and we always like to start with the guest. Ivan, would you lead the charge?

Sure. I have two. Is that allowed? Absolutely. Okay. The first one was I was at a restaurant. Love it. Called Din Tai Fung.

It's a very big dumpling house in Los Angeles, California. Actually, this one was in Burbank, but whatever. Studio City. Super busy, like tons of people there and there's like big lineups and it's like a very large footprint. So it's a huge restaurant. There's a lot of people running around, working, and the manager had like one of those headsets

so you could hear he's talking to people in the kitchen and in the back. And as he was going by our table, he said, Hey, guys in the back, And as he was going by our table, he said, Hey, guys in the back, could you be more gentle with the spoons? We can hear you out here using the spoons. And so I guess they were cleaning

like those porcelain spoons. And then also he said that no discernible difference in spoon noise coming from the back. We can hear you with the spoons. Could you be more gentle with the spoons? We can hear you with the spoons. Can you be more gentle with the spoons? We can hear you with the spoons. It's unacceptable in a restaurant to hear spoons.

Or they may be doing a little... Yeah, spoon man? Maybe. Yeah, it's... I don't think I've ever... I don't think I've ever eaten at a restaurant where somebody's been running around with a headset. You haven't been to Britney Spears' restaurant?

Oh, yeah, that's true. I got... Oops, I ate it again. I hope it's not toxic. Oops, I ate it again. It seems like it would be a good name for a chain. Or like a Ben & Jerry's flavor. Yeah.

She should have a Ben and jerry's flavor maybe she did i bet you she did at one point yeah called a tongue man tongue man come together with your tongue taste the flavors with your hand he's just one giant tongue yeah he's a rolling stones logo he's made entirely of tongue like instead of skin I'm just picturing it and it's disgusting what a

terrible world yeah do you remember the right said Fred follow up to uh uh too sexy too sexy no let your tongue fool around or it might have been called don't talk just kiss but those were the lyrics.

Don't talk, just kiss. Let your tongue fool around. Oh, and there's no ads in this episode yet. Zip Recruiter is here. Do you want to do your other overheard or do you want us to do ours and then come back to you? Hey, I don't know. It's up to you ours and then come back to you Hey I don't know it's up to you We'll come back to you Before I do my overheard I just want to say We got some mail

We forgot to mention it in the first part And we got a nice letter from Paige M Thank you An actual letter A handwritten letter And that paper looks very exciting It is exciting paper And it's

got words on it. Yeah. I haven't read them yet. Graham read them, said they're nice. They're very nice. Yeah. We also got this from William B. A few weeks ago, I was talking about how I love the gummy tummies from Trader Joe's, but we can't get them here.

And he mailed them at great expense. So thank you for that. And in the meantime I've I've driven to America in an Amazon envelope too and upcycling yeah well that's I mean we all have enough Amazon envelopes in our homes yeah uh and then you said we someone sent us Archie comics a box of Archie comics but it wasn't from a person. It just said it was from Archie comics. So thanks, Archie comics. Nice. Hey, I love Archie comics. And so we got something that like UPS emailed us and left us voicemails on our voicemail line. Oh.

Asking us to, if they could be the broker for some piece of mail. We ignored that because I don't want to get, I don't want to pay duty. Yeah, I don't want to be involved in anything that needs a brokerage fees. But thanks for sending us stuff, everyone. Yeah, it's very kind. But yeah, maybe we'll knock it off.

I feel weird because I've already bought five of those gummy... But you're going to enjoy the shit out of these of course i am you can mail stuff to me if you guys want yeah yeah yeah send stuff to the podcast care of ivan ivan nine eight something something something nine oh come on uh oh yeah do you have an overheard of course uh mine is uh i don't think I've used this one yet. On the last week, Abby sent the kids or took the kids to a... She sent the kids to military school.

I've been saying it's been needing to happen for a long time. She took the kids to the petting zoo. Did I talk about this? No, I don't think so okay well if i did we'll cut it out um the uh boy where did i put it where did i put my note well we'll definitely cut this part out don't talk just kiss let your tongue fool around the croon um so uh

we went she took the kids to the petting zoo and she was looking on the website for the prices and it said uh

children 19 months to 16 years sleeping or awake five dollars oh yes yeah cause a lot

of people trying like oh the kid's not even enjoying it yeah yeah they're not even taking up eye space yeah i was picturing not even petting i'm gonna drag them in a wagon here i was picturing a website that was per animal how much oh yeah the dollar for the horse what if the animals are asleep yeah yeah yeah fair what's a discount on that exactly wake them up

pet and time goats get out of that straw i bet there are people i'm eating that can i bet there are people who complain that the animals are asleep yeah sure i imagine people who go to the zoo and they yeah you don't get to see uh whatever brought them brought them when i used to work at science world people would always try to get money off because some of the exhibits were broken they're like this one was broken i want my money back like that's one thing i mean i don't know how many things were broken at this at this lot Once in a while there would be like A computer would have to restart Then people would be like I found it give me my money back

Found a glitch It's not perfect Um My overheard I don't know where I heard this I didn't jot down where I heard it It was between Somebody named Brian and somebody not named Brian and i don't know who it was but okay um the one person said you need to go to bed your eyes are closed and then the person said some people just have closed eyes brian

yeah brian yeah brian you think you know doesn't even know about closed eyes i uh do when you were a kid and your mom or dad fell like fell asleep in their chair and you called them on it would they say they were just resting their eyes just resting their eyes i feel like it was the same as the the barking spider that was oh is that a fart yeah somebody farted it was a barking spider i've never heard any of this. Really? Yeah, you've never heard the resting household stuff? Resting my eyes does make sense if you're like, well, I'm not going to sleep. I'm not at a petting zoo.

My dad would throw an empty whiskey bottle at us and tell us to go to bed. Did you know what you got for Christmas? A carton of smokes. A carton of smokes. Yeah, that's right Smoke them up Johnny Snake tattoo Merry Christmas

We're going to the tattoo parlor Son That's right You're gonna get a snake tattoo You can pick any snake you want Black mamba Oh man Don't tread on me Yeah no son of mine's getting a black mamba That's right Pick any snake you want. Black Mamba. Don't tread on me.

Yeah, no son of mine's getting a Black Mamba. That's right. Cobra or python. It's a tradition. Here in Canada, everybody goes with their father to the tattoo shop when they're 14, and they pick out a snake tattoo. Mine's coming out of my butt. Head or tail tail going in one side head coming out the other

oh nice like it's just taking a little rest up yeah yeah an ouroboros is that what that is an ouroboros is an ouroboros

with a snake eating its own tail oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I might be wrong about that that sounds right. Something. I believe it.

Well, I got to look that up now. I know it's flight risk. Now, we also have, is it Ouroboros? I have a second Ouroboros. Oh, yes, you do. Oh, yeah, that's right. It's all right. My apologies.

I feel bad for, really, if this doesn't deliver, I feel terrible. For interrupting? Yes. But it was a very funny situation that I enjoyed very much. I was in Vermont and it was like, there's like this main street, this like the college street everybody's walking around. And there were these three college girls walking across the street. And this guy in like a mustang like pulled

up to the uh crosswalk that they cross and he had like a very loud engine and so after they had finished crossing he like revved it really hard like drove away expecting to be like yeah got him with my engine and immediately like within milliseconds all three girls were just like what a piece of garbage! Ah, you're really cool! Enjoy your tiny dick! Like they yelled so fast all of them started making fun of him for like four minutes straight. He was gone and they were still like Ah, your car sucks!

It was the best. It's the only way to get revenge on somebody revving an engine. Is insult their obviously small severed venus because i just love picturing him in the car like yeah that's right yeah but that's what isn't that what everybody revving an engine yeah i think it's the cool it's all like yeah look at that yeah we're wild hogs can you name all the wild hogs can Can I? Yeah. Oh, boy. Well, what was the difference between old dogs and Wild Hogs? That's a good question.

Wild Hogs was how many of them? Do you know? I know two. I think three. How many are there? Tim Allen. Tim Allen. I think there's four.

Tim Allen. John Travolta. Yeah. Cedric the Entertained. Morgan Freeman. I thought it was Martin Lawrence. It might be. And who was your guess? Morgan Freeman your guest was he in bucket list i think it was in bucket list was he in going in style

oh that's the big is that the biggest one that's the like old men robbing a casino or something yeah yeah or a bank. I thought that was Reindeer Games. Just keep guessing movies. Okay, Wild Hogs is... Oh, Bill Macy. Did we say Bill Macy? No, we didn't. William H. Yeah, Bill Macy, Martin Lawrence, Lon Travolta,

Lon Chaney, and Tim Allen. And the ghost of Lon Chaney. Old Dogs is John Travolta, Seth Green, and Robin Williams. Oh, yeah. Is there a gorilla in that one, maybe? Yeah. It's holding Seth Green. What is that?

That's Hollywood, baby. I've never heard of that that must have been a fun photo shoot where the with these three actors who were never in the same photo shoot um no i love a movie poster where someone's shrugging that looks like a fake that looks like a fake movie poster yeah yeah it looks like a tropic thunder yeah like it doesn't look like it's an actual real yeah oh well literally all four of them including the gorilla could be saying it's a living we're old dogs they pay us to do it um uh now we also have overheard sent in from all over the place whether you're a wild hog or an old dog you can send it into spy at maximumfund.org and uh this first one comes from ingrid in uh vale color, the most expensive, least accessible place on earth.

Oh. Yeah. Is that what it says when it comes on the city sign? Yep. Language. As I'm walking down the street in my neighborhood, a man gets into his car. A young man runs after him yelling, if you're going to Costco, get me a fruit snack. The man in the car peels away angrily and screams, no.

Get me a fruit snack at Costco. One. Get me a fruit snack at Costco. No. Now, does a fruit snack mean something else there? Do they mean like a fruit cup? I mean, a fruit snack could be any number of things. I was thinking of a little

yeah like the jelly jelly what i'm thinking of a flat oh you're like a fun fruit i'm thinking of like a fruit leather but not fruit leather yeah but made maybe made out of a gummy it's been flattened just rolled that sounds like a flat gummy fruit by the foot fruit by the foot that was the only time the imperial system penetrated Canada yeah

in our lifetime that was fruit by the meter up here yeah fruit by the 30 centimeters it penetrates it daily like when

everything here is yeah I don't know how tall I am and not no feet nobody everything is subway sandwiches but I only know how tall I am and not. No. Feet. Nobody. Everything is Subway sandwiches.

But I only know how much I weigh in stones. So I'm all over the place. This next one comes from Jonathan S. in Cortis, Ontario. While grocery shopping yesterday, I walked by a mother and her five to six-year-old son who was trailing behind her a bit. The mother saying in a very stern voice, stop talking like that. You're not Alexa, and I don't appreciate it. I didn't realize, but I guess, yeah, kids would pick up an Alexa impression.

Oh, yeah. What would you ask? Like, Alexa only answers when spoken to, spoken to though yeah but it'd be a fun impression to be like i'm alexa touch my butt are you going to costco ordering fruit snack the weather in stockholm right now is perfect for fruit snacks someone told me a story about a parrot that learned to order crackers from Alexa and then did it.

Love it. And then this box of snacks kept showing up at the house. This is our modern world run amok. It was only a matter of time. This is the weird cutscene from Terminator. Yeah, one of the steps on the path.

Yeah. First it was this, and then Skynet, and then that bird ordered some... One of those bell seed things. This final one comes from Ashley in Minnesota. I was at a park where a couple of kids' birthdays were being held. Girl about 10 years old came over from one of the parties to the playground area and shouted in a tone that went from pleasant to aggressive very quickly hey danny it's cake time but i remember you told me that you don't like cake so if you do like cake you

better get over here and prove it she was giving him one last chance to light cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was very nice of her. Very diplomatic on her own birthday. Maybe it was a diplomat cake. Ooh. Immunity. Diplomatic immunity cake. Any crime, you can put it right in the cake. If it's got anything you're allergic to, you're immune to it.

Yeah, you can have it because it's diplomat. That's a complicated cake um yeah uh it was favorite type of cake ice cream yeah meal crepe what what is that uh it's french for a thousand crepes and it's like a ton of tiny little layers wow i only found out about it recently and you love it love the idea of it's never had what's in oh you've never there's i think my favorite diamond the hope diamond exactly it's never had a chance to disappoint me yeah i've never eaten too much milk crepe and barfed it up there's a lot of great things going for motion sickness that you don't like funnel cake.

I got out of my dram hole. Your favorite cake? Dram hole cake. It's where you bake dramamine into it. A little wax paper thing to find it. I got a gravel. What's your favorite cake? I like just like a rich, like a dark chocolate cake.

A black forest? Like a black forest. Yeah. With the cherries or no? No, I don't know. Yeah, I guess black forest always comes with those cherries. Cherries out. In the middle.

No cherry. Yeah, put a millipede cake in the middle or whatever the hell you think. A millipede cake in the middle or whatever the hell you think yummy in addition to overheards that are written in uh we also accept your phone calls would you like to call us do it 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one like these people have who are you? Tom Morello? Very good Wookiee wookiee

Old dogs They call them old dogs And they're totally cool We are the old dogs baby And we're totally cool We are the wild dogs And we're awesome as well A rap battle between old dogs and wild hogs.

And John Travolta's in both. Yeah, he has to run around to the other side. Put on his leather jacket. Yeah. Well, I'm wearing a wig when I'm an old dog. And I am wearing a helmet as a wild hog. Oh, it doesn't get much better than that. All the raps pretty much rhyme.

Dogs and hogs. Me and my friend Tim Allen. It goes. Here we go. Hi, Dave Graham and honorable guests. This is Cormac calling out of Jenkintown, Pennsylvania. I was just sitting in a coffee shop drinking my latte, and there's a bunch of high school, like early high school girls

all sitting and chatting and stuff, and they're drinking their coffee and whatnot. And I guess one of the ones in the bathroom, she came out, and she says, Guys, I think I'm allergic to ladybugs. And then what followed was all the girls looking at her face

going like, oh yeah, really scratched ya. Really like, I like that everyone was obsessed with it. Hi Josh.

Oh, I just saw someone I haven't seen in a while. Alright. Alright, see you later. Good to in a while. Alright. Alright, see you later. Good to see you too. Alright. Well, off I go.

You became the over... Yeah. Popular coffee shop. Josh is all over the place. Yeah. Oh, hi Josh. I thought he was doing a bit. Yeah.

I thought that was part of it. I'm on the phone leaving a message for a podcast about these little girls. Oh, boy. Yeah, I guess you could be allergic to ladybugs. I guess so, yeah. It really scratched you up good. How does a ladybug scratch you? With a little coin.

See how much money is underneath your skin. No, ladybug's very gentle yeah the only bug i like uh welcome yeah on my hand people love lady they've got a great pr department they really do if you've ever i think it was sean pradlov used to talk about seeing a like a nature documentary about a ladybug eating another bug and how savage they are up close. It's like killer whales. They're monsters. They're like the wolves of the sea. They're so gentle to their trainers.

Yeah, there's no evidence to the contrary on that. Next phone call. Hey, guest. This one's a special one just for you. My name is Kyle from Seattle. I'm calling in with an overseeing. I was in a crowded elevator on the University of Washington campus, and there was in front of me a middle-aged farmer guy, and he was looking at Instagram. I could just make out over his shoulder.

I was excited. I was like, what do farmers Like to look at on Instagram So I got up on my tiptoes And I saw the rest of it And it did not disappoint He was looking at a video Of a cow's hoof Being cleaned and scraped And prepared

So Bye Very on brand Well thank you Kyle That's exactly what I want to know Just only Farmers What are they

Instying about Yeah I guess you know i would have also accepted a tractor i'm not doing some kind of trick yeah yeah tractor tricks yeah tractor tricks you guys follow tractor tricks yeah yeah yeah yeah or like uh you know shoot a basketball shoot a hay bale through a hoop from across the You throw a bunch of loose hay into the baler From really far But seriously folks, a hay bale would never go through a basketball hoop Yeah, you need a special hay hoop

A bale hoop Here's your final overheard Bailer has a basketball team. Hi, Dave, Graham, and probable guests. This is Kate calling from Toronto with a very overdue overheard. I heard

this gem back during the JSL 42 festival in the fall when my boyfriend and I were leaving past guest DJ Demare's show. The show had just ended and we were leaving the venue and chatting about the show when we passed this other couple having their own post-show debrief. And we heard one of them say, yeah, no, it was actually really good. I thought he was going to be an actual DJ.

So we definitely had to go out of earshot so we could have a good laugh about that one a dj comedian dare to dream i mean it's gotta be i i mean dj damaris isn't here right now and uh oh where is he oh hi dj sorry i just saw someone could you wait over there dj uh but uh yeah that's gotta happen more than never yeah i thought it was why is dj demers playing a comedy club and like you know Russell Peters he'll do a DJ yeah he does a DJ set

yeah afterwards Diplo's very funny Diplo is hilarious me trying in my head to think of another DJ and how are you doing with that

Paris Hilton got there yes did it um it's trying to think of i can't think of the guy's name who's the armin van buren no but he's he's huge oh i i i want to say rum springer but it's not that. Who's that? Zed? Is his name Klaxon? No. Who's the guy with the glasses? Oh, Skrillex?

Yes. Rumspringa. Or Klaxon. Klaxon was close. Well, Ivan, that brings us to the end of the episode. Time to plug all the things. Oh, yes. Please follow me on Instagram at Ivan W. Decker.

The W stands for Wells. That's correct. And, I mean, I guess if you're still into Twitter, if it's not just for fighting anymore, I'm at Ivan Decker on Twitter in case you want to engage in some sort of political debate, I guess. Because that's what it's for now. Also, I have a Facebook fan page for those of y'all still doing that. Yeah.

Ivan Decker. You on TikTok? Not on TikTok yet. Yet. Probably going to get into it. Sure. Everybody will have to. I'm going to start a thing where uh i used to do a thing on instagram where i put googly eyes on stuff i remember when i'm on

the road i really want to start doing it again because i found a uh googly eye supplier with peel and stick googly eyes which is better i don't have to carry on like poster putty to stick them on yeah and so those yeah i'm gonna have a one eyed dog and it was really funny. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I should have brought some, but I think I'm going to start handing them out after shows and like

encouraging people to put them on stuff and send me a photo. You know what that is? Whimsical. Yeah. So if you want to send me any googly eyed photos, I would love it. That's great. I also have a monthly podcast called Satan's lawyer where where uh my friend andre summers and i attempt to

defend the indefensible and we've uh had a couple of guests on it's very fun uh it comes out on the first of each month okay thank you satan's lawyer satan's lawyer like the devil's happy um as we mentioned before we will be at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montreal. In Montreal. July 26th, we think. Yeah. And the afternoon. I can't stress enough.

Afternoon. Après-midi. And you, the second season of your. Oh, yeah. This second season of This Sounds Serious I believe is out right now At least a couple episodes It's a

True crime Comedy show that I wrote I co-wrote this season with Mark Chavez Past guest And yeah very funny Some familiar voices on that You will love it I promise That's a Dave Schumke promise that's a dave shimka promise it's a

dave shimka guarantee um and thank you all you out there for listening if you like the show why not tell some friends and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.