Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 602 - Alicia Tobin

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Comedian and writer Alicia Tobin returns to talk about her new book, So You're a Little Sad, So What?: Nice Things to Say to Yourself on Bad Days and Other Essays. And also kindergarten and fast food windows.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 602 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, we're sipping lagers because we're in the middle of the evening. Mine's an ale. Oh, mine's a pilsner. So neither of us are sipping lagers. Mr. Dave Shovka.

Mr. Dave Schovka Hi, yes I don't drink a lot of beer these days No But I hosted some friends a couple weeks ago And I'm working my way through their gift beers Their gift beers, yes Our guest today One of our all-time faves on the podcast

Top 10 Top 20 Top 10 She has a book Coming out This very week That this podcast Comes out Called

So you're a little sad So what Essays to tell yourself On a hard day Something like that No Yeah okay No no

I know it Everyone gets sad And you are too Yeah But here's some things To read from me to you There you go. Wow.

Uh-oh. No, you want to change it. You want to change it. No, they're both great. Yeah. What is the, give us the full title. So you're a little bit sad, so what? Yeah.

Nice things to say to yourself on bad days and other essays. There you go. I got it. I pretty much nailed it. Yeah, both of you. Mine is called, Who You Trying to Get Crazy With Essays? Don't you know I'm loco? A history, colon, a history of Cypress Hill in culture. I can't believe you wrote a whole book about Cypress Hill.

And I started with the subtitle first. That's how all great mysteries are written. You start with the subtitle and you work your way backwards. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. Alicia. Hi, Alicia. Hi, guys.

So you wrote a book. I did. All the words. So you wrote a book, so what? So what? Yeah. Yeah, so what? I mean, really.

You wrote a book and it's being published. So you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. Was that another title? I don't know. Yeah, I wrote a book. There's seven essays about Dave and seven essays about Graham. Oh, this will sell well.

You came to the right place. Just for the listener, if you guys are huge Stop Podcasting Yourself fans, every single page is about this podcast. Yeah. Am I in it? You are in it. Oh, cool. It's about me being your bad landlord. Nope.

There is an essay about you being a good landlord, though. Oh, really? Yeah. I guess you didn't take the free copy. I support my friends. I buy their you didn't take the free copy. I support my friends. I buy their books. I took the free copy. I always feel weird when people are, when my friends, publicists.

Get in touch. Get in touch. No, I'll buy their book. I won't read it. It takes me forever to get around to reading books. I'm just reading Daniel Zamparelli's book now, and it's been out for two years. So, yeah, no. So, you're a little slow at reading.

So am I. Yes! I'm slow. Guys, it's nice to be here. It's nice to have you here. It's really nice to see both of you. What's it like to read a book? Write a book, sorry. Uh oh man i've been telling people all over town you read a book i've got

all these volumes of freud behind me what's it like to read a penis oh damn it i'll tell you oh boy oh wow do you do penis readings? Yeah, I put them in a hot cup of tea first. Whatever shape it comes out of. They plump when you cook them. Oh, my dick. Yeah, what's it like to write a book? Oh, it's hard.

Yeah. Yeah, there's a, well, i kind of made myself write it and i think i already accepted some money that felt like i couldn't back out yeah yeah uh some parts i don't know like when i think the part that felt good is when people read it and they're like oh it's not complete garbage yeah it was nerve-wracking and kind of lonesome. Yeah. There were a lot of times where I couldn't do stuff because I was writing a book. Like if kids were outside with their hula hoops and whatnot. Yeah. Playing tin can.

Playing tin can. It was a long time ago when I started writing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it just is. I didn't know how to write a book, so I just did my best. You, it's a bunch of different essays, some of them about your childhood. And there's a great essay in there about how when you were a kid, you somehow fell into rhythmic gymnastics. And that you danced.

That you got to pick your own music. Kind of. Yeah. But like you didn't know. You didn't know what lyrics meant. Nope. You were picking it purely on the rhythm. And this was for you to do like a ribbon dance.

A ribbon dance too. Which I also didn't know how to do. It was that age where where they'd given up. Who had? Most teachers and parents, for sure. Oh, they were like, just do whatever you want. Yeah. Here's a ribbon.

Yeah. And the song you chose? Well, I don't want to ruin the essay. Sorry, brought it up. Graham, would you want to ruin the essay? Sure. It was a private dancer. That's one of them.

That was one of them. And you know now what that song's about, right? Now that you've grown up? I knew after. Okay, what are the lyrics? I'm your private dancer. Dancer for money. Do what you want me to do.

Uh-huh. Dance, presumably for money. I'm your private dancer. Dancer's so funny. Dancer's so funny.cer's so funny Any old Musical do I mean Those lyrics

It's just about dancing privately That's true But for money Yeah I just I just gathered that The song Don't stand so close to me By Sting

Sting and the police man Was About him being a teacher and being like horny for students that's the opposite no it's the opposite no no that don't stand so close to me was it's about the students being horny for him but he said in an article that he was like i don't know how i how i withstood their their. Really? Yuck. Yeah. Sting's canceled. Although he did withstand those charms.

That's true. You got to give him credit. Sting was a teacher? Yeah. Of what? His shop. He was the subject of Schoolgirls Fantasy? Was that the lyric?

Oh, yeah. But he said in an interview like in the when it came out that he was like i don't know how i resist oh back then it was okay that's true every like that was the only song about not having sex with an underage girl that's true it was breaking new ground well you do you guys Heard that Or someone Had a tweet That blew up In the last couple days

About how Kiss from a rose Is about cocaine Oh Really Oh That changes how I sing it On this podcast

Do you sing it on this podcast Was that you I didn't think of that As more of like A Mark Chavez thing Was it That guy is so funny Kiss from a rose Is about cocaine kiss from a rose on the

gray baby baby don't you know baby yeah don't you know i'm gonna talk about myself all night is that what cocaine ears do yeah for sure or what seal does i probably go. What does he talk about? Cameras. Cameras, for sure. Is that what's taking up most of his time these days? Yeah, well, that's him. Photog?

Yeah, him and Linda McCartney. Nice. Those are two big photographer musicians. And Brian Adams. Brian Adams, that's right. And yeah, I think that's the full list. Well, Shirley Manson did some nature photography for National Geographic.

Yeah, and Madonna released a picture book. Oh, yeah. Did you ever read? I saw it. I have it on PDF. Do you really? Yeah. Why? Because I'm DTF. And I didn't know that about you. It says it on his MySpace profile. I don't know that about you. It says it on his MySpace profile.

I don't know if I still have it on PDF. I found you could download it on PDF, and I was like, let's check it out. Let's indulge 12-year-old Dave's curiosity. Yeah. Yeah. And was 12-year-old Dave like, yeah. Yeah, this is good. Yeah, it's not not sexy, that's for sure. Yeah, Vanilla Ice is naked in it. Really? Yeah, they had a, this is good. Yeah, it's not not sexy.

That's for sure. Yeah, Vanilla Ice is naked in it. Really? Yeah. They had a thing, I think. They had a lot of, like, things, which was really cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Was. But, like, it was very flavor of the month-y. Like, it was very, like. Yeah, that made it even cooler. She was. That's true. In her ability to reinvent herself artistically with the times, she would always pick a guy of the time. Yeah, because there was a time that she was, I remember Sean Penn.

Who were the other notables? Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman. I'm surprised you remember Sean Penn because I feel like you were just five. Yeah. remember Sean Penn because I feel like you were just five yeah no but uh but uh my parents saved a newspaper from my fifth birthday and it was Sean Penn and punching a photographer um I had a mad magazine with and they were making fun of Sean Penn and Madonna and the joke in it was who's going to be on top tonight and everything's blacked out it's just Sean Penn

and Madonna in a room together and just little word bubbles. And then she turns on the light. She's like, you got the upstairs bunk last night. Like they're in a bunk bed. And I remember as a kid, kind of getting it like, oh yeah. Yeah.

And now as a grownup who has sex, you're like, yes, they do discuss who will be on top tonight. Who will be on top tonight. For the duration. for the duration for the duration yeah I

yeah I saw a kid the other day that had like kind of a Sean Penn nose I don't know and I was like how many generations would it take

to breed that nose out of existence what makes it I can't remember it's just an unlikable What makes it? I can't remember his nose. It's just an unlikable face. Yeah. Everything I don't like about Sean Penn I saw in this kid.

It could have been Sean Penn's kid. You don't know. Did he look like Sean Penn as a kid or Sean Penn? Yeah, maybe like Sean Penn as a kid. Okay. Maybe it was time traveling Sean Penn. Oh, boy. Was there a time when he was kind of like a...

Because during the Spicoli era, he was like a fun-loving... Oh, yeah. But then somewhere along the line... He punched a cameraman and everyone was like, uh-oh, this guy's Mr. Serious. Here he goes. And he's been that way ever since. That time he was on the Osc on the oscars and someone had made a joke about oh yeah who is so and so yeah it was some actor who had just been in five movies

that year where did this guy come from why is he in he in all the movies yeah and then like as a joke that's right and sean penn came out later He's one of our most talented and gifted performers. And one of our most humorless and unpleasant actors. Did I tell this story when I was in Winnipeg? He was shooting a movie in Winnipeg. And every day, somebody had a new Sean Penn story. And the best one was that he had somehow got his hands on one of those cars from the 50s that you drive into water. It would become a boat.

Uh-huh. And he just wrote that into the film that he was shooting. I bet he did, yeah. But then he drove it into the lake and couldn't get it out and everybody was yelling at him. What's your favorite Sean Penn memory yeah isn't he like a crazy gun guy

no I don't I think he falls on the other side really see I just like people on all sides of the political spectrum

I feel like he did a bunch of nice stuff when there was a really bad thing that happened at some point yeah he like flooding in New Orleans

maybe yeah he went around in a boat all these stories although it was a really bad thing that happened at some point. Yeah, he like... Flooding in New Orleans, maybe. Yeah, he went around in a boat. All these stories... Although it was a car that turned into a boat. It was, it was. So you wrote a book, it's coming out, you're going on a press tour, coast to coast. We're the first stop. Yeah, you're the first and probably last stop

you're gonna go to you're gonna be on the social yeah yeah are you really yes whoa do you want

I don't know what it is what is it it's kind of like Canada's view oh but it's nicer yeah yeah it is

it's a lot more friendly yeah it's it's Canada's it's like a talk show hosted by four or five women yeah that's the only similarity it's Canada's, it's like a talk show hosted by four or five women. Yeah. That's the only similarity.

It's a daytime. And they sit around a coffee table. Yeah, but they don't fight. Yeah. And they say, enjoy the social.

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. No, not that. No. I don't know what it's, what's really happening.

Like I'm going, I'll be at the Writers Festival here. I'm going to be at the Podfest part of the Alberta Lit Fest the first weekend in October promoting the book.

Here? Edmonton. And then in the spring hopefully Toronto and Montreal festivals and then a stop in New York and LA to maybe do some podcasty type stuff. Nice. That's all you do. You don't go to bookstores anymore. You just go on potties.

Is that what people are calling podcasts? Not potties? We used to call them casts. Yeah. I've noticed people have started calling them pods. So I'm going to start. I'm just starting potties. Yeah.

Cool. That's really cool. Pod boys. Oh, whoa. What else has been going on with you? You wrote a book. That's fantastic. What else?

Well, I still have my other podcasts. What's that called? What are those called? One's called Retail Nightmares. You guys have been on them before. And the other one is Super Sick Podcast with Kevin Lee. I'm sure he must be a top ten guest as well. No, top one. He's the number one.

Shit! Shit, guys. I've really lost that. Love and love and feeling yeah really have i'm sad now no don't be a little bit sad whatever who cares i remember at the live podcast that has yet to be released yep uh it may never be released it will be released Brent backstage was like oh you're maybe it's on stage

he's like the name of your book is too long and I'm like whoa fuck that hurts yeah you know you want something like

Ulysses where the title is short but the book is long but like when you write a book you've written a book oh yeah that's true

I'm the only one here who hasn't written a book I have I wrote about 40% of a book 20 yeah that's true I'm the only one here who hasn't written a book I have I wrote about 40% of a book 40% more than I a very thin book when you do that

do you as the sole writer who do you work with an editor and and like you submit these things and they say

good bad indifferent need comma needs cleaning and what about yeah go ahead i go no you're not done i was gonna say what about like the titles do you give them like 10 titles or nope i chose my own title um yeah there's a couple of editors like charlie demers is uh it's part of an imprint that he has with arsenal press called robin robin Egg Books. And I'm his second writer that he worked with.

So Charlie Eddins. Ebony Rosen was the other. Ebony Rosen, a wonderful book. Number two guest ever. I'm just fucking leaving. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh!

So it's time with this question. You always ask you it's all about well listen to my reply uh how much rewriting did you have to do because that's what they say writing is right yes yes but and acting is reacting that's true well definitely felt like the book was never going to be done at some point. Just like between edits and waiting for the edit to come back and finding time to do the edits. That was excruciating. Did you ever have a dream that you accidentally erased at all? Yes. Really? Yeah. Or that they can't. I'm sure I had one that they cancelled it because it was like late

or they didn't like it. They didn't think it was good. All those dreams. Yeah. Can you lose your advance if they just don't think it's good? No, I think they just

don't give you the second part of your advance and they don't publish your book. But yeah, I guess. Well, you weathered that storm.

Yeah. I made it. I made it, guys. Yeah, there's lots of little things you don't think are going to come up in the editing process. And there's one note by an editor. It's like the person that goes like deep and checks for spelling mistakes and makes sure things make sense. And she just wrote, I don't get it. It's one of my jokes.

And I was like, what? Oh, really? I don't think that's me. Did you go down to the office and act it out for her yeah no another editor was like no it makes sense like the two of them were talking back and forth in the notes I was like I want to die yeah oh yeah that's cool people discuss your jokes yeah so it I guess like all in all it took about a year to write wow yeah but you did it I did. Yeah. But you did it. I did it. Yeah.

Yeah. So you did it. So what? Oh, no, I can just see the bad reviews coming in. I got to be like, I've had a preview. Thank you. At least I can praise myself. No, I think, because I forgot that it started with so.

I thought it was like, you're a little sad. So what? But so you're like, now I just want to start it started with so. I thought it was like, you're a little sad, so what? But so you're like, now I just want to start every sentence with so. I think it's going to get in people's minds. And they're going to go straight for the S section of the bookstore. And they'll take out Madonna's set. Yeah. And the lyrics to Peter Gabriel's So album.

Such a good album. Oh, boy. I listened to the other day. It's so good. What's your favorite song? Is that In Your Eyes on that one? Yeah. Yeah. I'd have to say that one just no matter what, I love it.

I exclusively know that song. Your eyes. I am complete. Your eyes. Oh, put the boombox down. Oh, she's carrying around a boombox. Don't do it, Alicia. The only reason I know that song is that somebody edited together a montage of Rowdy Rowdy Piper gouging people in the eyes to that song. That's the only reason I know that song.

That's so funny. I love culture. We're so lucky to be alive that's true during this time the high point of culture yeah

we're recording this on a day when Canada's prime minister oh boy Jesus a photo of him in brown face

at a Arabian Nights party from 2001 yeah one of Vancouver's private schools like exclusive private schools where he taught for a brief amount of time. Yeah.

What a dirtbag, man. What a dirtbag man? What a dirtbag man. I don't get it. My sisters used to live in a, I think they lived in the same apartment building as him Oh yeah A lot of parties A lot of like

In the garbage can They would just see like So much brown makeup So he had been working on this all year It's crazy And in the picture he's like Holding a woman by her neck Oh yeah that's true

So strange But that Well cause he It was 2001 He wanted everyone to know It wasn't just brown face It was brown hand as well I picture he's like holding a woman by her neck. Oh, yeah. That's true. But that. Well, because he. It was 2001. He wanted everyone to know it wasn't just brown face. It was brown hand as well. Did his whole body and then put on the outfit.

Anyway, he's the president of our country. Yeah. For now. So, do you have any plans for Halloween? You guys know I don't like Halloween, right? Yeah, I do know that. Yeah. That's right. I like. Did it scare you when you were a plans for Halloween? You guys know I don't like Halloween, right? Yeah, I do know that. Yeah, I like. Did it scare you when you were a kid or something?

No, it's more like when I got older, I was like, I'm not sure I'm supposed to approach this anymore. Right. I like seeing kids dressed up and I think it's really cute, but I hate the firecrackers. They've already started going off occasionally near my apartment. I'm like, fuck already. And Hank, your dog, hates them as well? He really hates them. You guys gave me Grandpa's Thunder shirt, but that doesn't make a difference. But you can't wear it.

You have to put it on Hank. Yeah, right. I'm sorry. And it's not like one of those shirts that grips you. It's an ACDC Thunderstruck. Yeah. It's just supposed to make him feel confident and cool. Yeah.

DC Thunderstruck. Yeah. For sure. It's just supposed to make him feel confident and cool. Yeah. It's what Hank wears when he washes his car. Oh my God. Huh? Can you imagine?

Yes. I would love that. What kind of car would he drive? You think about your dog all the time, right? I don't know. Maybe like a little Beetle. Volkswagen Beetle. Interesting.

I think like that. How many essays in the book are about Hank just one okay and just part of one that's it that's a good amount I think yeah per book always write half an essay about Hank in every book that's a good rule of thumb that's one of my favorite essays actually it. It's called Three Dogs. It's the three dogs I've had in my life. Yeah. I say about them. I think Dave will really like it.

Yeah. Am I in that essay? Abby might be. This is a fun, this is a real, like, a lot of people, these are the people in your neighborhood kind of book. Yes, everybody's in the book a bit. I mean, everyone's sort of. In my neighborhood. Like a lot of people, these are the people in your neighborhood kind of book. Yes, everybody's in the book a bit. I mean, everyone's sort of.

In my neighborhood. Makes a part of your life. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a tapestry. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a tapestry.

Yeah. So what? So what? Wear it like a cape. So what? Yeah. How are your other podcasts going? I mean, not as great as your podcast, but. Oh, no.

They're good. Yeah. Kevin and I record when we are both not too busy. And Super Sick Podcast is really a lovely project. Tell us the premise. So we interview people that have a diagnosis of a chronic illness. So we had my friend Heather who has cancer. She had a very rare form of cancer so far.

Has done quite well with her diagnosis. She's cancer free for the past year, which is wonderful. We had Aaron Reed on. He has obsessive compulsive disorder. So he was very open and honest about that and funny and vulnerable. Brett Nikolik came on to talk about CP, a cerebral palsy. So we just interview people and we ask them, like, what's it like? And Kevin and I.

We're like, it's great. Yeah, it's great. Everybody should have it. Do one thing every day that scares you like have a chronic illness yeah I don't know

the premise was like you could we would create something that maybe even the guests themselves could share with their family to explain what it's like

right people with a similar diagnosis or the same diagnosis would have an opportunity to meet at least through podcast someone just like them. Have people met?

Have people reached out and. There's been, yeah, lots of really positive feedback about the podcast. So that's very nice. Yeah. When you started, it was called Young and Sick. Yeah. But then Apple got too many complaints that you

guys didn't qualify as young. Is that right? You're such a mean, mean man. Oh, I'm just saying. You know the real story. I know bits of the real story. I don't know if you can say it. Yeah, sure.

Okay. Yeah, nothing ever happened. But there's an artist who's trademarked Young and Sick. And he goes by Young and Sick. So his representative just reached out and politely asked if we could change the name. What type of artist are we talking here? I think he's multidisciplinary.

Oh, you should have him on the show. That's a chronic condition. Yeah. Yeah, no, it was very nice and professional and it wasn't really a big deal. I've never received a cease and desist. Even for my podcast

Post Malone about Becker. I had a tweet about that. That's pretty good. We didn't get a cease and desist. No. It was just a suggestion that that might be the next step.

Please desist. It didn't really matter. The new name is funnier. Super sick. Super sick. Super sick blog post. How often does it come out? Meh.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we're on episode 10. Okay. And this has been running for 10 years. Yeah, basically. Oh, nice. Yeah.

I mean, I'd love to start another podcast, but when will I make time for that? Yeah, you know, you've got enough on your plate. You've got enough podcast. Now that you've finished writing a book, when you finished, how much time between when you were done done and when things started up with having to sell it? No time? No time, really. So you haven't had like a, because you haven't had a chance to go outside and play aluminum can with the children? Yeah. Yeah, they're made out of aluminum now.

Alicia, they're not tin anymore. I think that when it comes out in the U.S., after that, I'll take a vacation. What about when it comes out in the Southern Hemisphere? Oh, no. Yeah. Then what are you do then i'm gonna kick the can yeah um where would you if you could go anywhere for vacation where spain yes i thought you were gonna say space yeah i also thought you were gonna no never i am so not curious about space really Really? Oh, God, no. Not even what it smells like? It smells like steak.

Did you hear it smells like steak? Really? Yeah. Really? Space smells like steak. Is that true, Dave? Look up. Space steak.

Space steak. Smell. That's my new podcast is Space Steak. See synthesis. What? Yeah. What would your podcast be about? Space Steak Smell?

It would be about things that everybody has heard except me. And I'd be like, this is news to me. That sounds really funny. Space Steak. Space smells like burnt steak. Wow. Weird. There's a fruit fly in this room and it's driving us all buggy speaking of

steak and steak houses did I talk about Chris Jericho winning the title belt and then going to a Longhorn steak house and somebody broke into his limo and took the belt no would you like to tell us about it now

most of the stories in the title do you have any non-wrestling stories i have this one about finding out that the space smells like steak but it reminds me of a wrestling story do you guys care much about space only when neil degrasse talks about it then i'm like now i'm interested yeah i want to i care deeply about his vests. Yeah. Dave likes it when that guy. That guy might not be such a great guy. I think we heard he wore brown face to a party.

To a party. No, I think there were some accusations, but people were like, Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know if we need to cancel everyone. This guy's our number one space critic. Yeah. Space guy. Space critic.

The universe is expanding. Our space critic is here to tell us why that's a bad idea. I would say that that defines him. Yes. He is a space guy who is critical. Yeah, you're right it does it suits of 2d he's a guy who every time there's like a thing in the news he'll be like i don't know sesame street it doesn't seem like a street to me it's more like a cul-de-sac and you're just like

god damn it or any any science fiction movie yeah like well actually uh slimer can only be a man this blow job that that dan akroyd got from that ghost would not have been satisfying oh man oh boy uh technically the only good part of that movie is when bill murray says that guy has no dick um who's the other guy who's the guy that uh space guitar uh guitar man who plays uh oh chris hadfield hemsworth yeah wait he Wait. He's Canada's space critic. Right. Yeah. No, but he's not critical of space.

No, he loves it. He's a celebrator of space and the blues. Number one space fan. Did Bill Clinton play the saxophone? Yes. Hells yeah. Did Bill Clinton have a brother who was a deadbeat? Roger.

Oh, yeah. No. No, Jimmy Carter had a deadbeat brother for sure. Billy. But who's Roger Clinton? Is that the funk guy? Who's the funk guy? I think that's the funk guy's last name is Clinton for sure.

George Clinton's the funk guy. Roger Clinton is Bill's brother. Yeah. I think Bill Clinton is the funk guy because of his saxophone playing. Okay. Let's see. He played it on Arsenio Hall's show. He played it on someone's pussy. He played it on Arsenio Paul's show. He played it on

someone's pussy. He put a cigar in it. I know. Oh, okay. Oh, what? Too soon? You can't put a cigar in his saxophone.

George W. Bush had a deadbeat brother, Jeb. Oh, you know. Barack Obama had a deadbeat brother, Jeb. Oh, no. Barack Obama had a deadbeat brother, Obama bin Laden. Get off. It's great.

It's great. Not good. It's great. You're just a brat. And Trump has a deadbeat brother. He's dead. Yeah, he was beaten. What And Trump has a deadby brother. He's dead. Yeah. He was beaten.

What are your memories of the Arsenio Hall show now that you're here? Yes. I watched a lot of it, but I was pretty young. And we were younger. Yeah. But it was the only late night show that was on at 10 where I lived. I just remember thinking his shoulder pads in his jacket were out of this world. I thought he was so cool. You really remind me of Max Hedrum.

Yeah. The set was very Max Hedrum-y. And he had a very kind of big, big shoulder pads, a really angular haircut. He kind of lifted the look from Grace Jones. Yeah. In a way, too. too like that modern very crisp yeah powerful very powerful and like no talk show host since has had like a trademark arm motion yeah like a thing that he does every time that he comes out because johnny carson did the the golf imaginary golf club dave letterman would do the throwing the blue cards i like that but like does jimmy fallon

have a patented never watched it um james gordon don't know don't yeah say it was funny when they when like the the old guard of of tv late night hosts uh moved on i was like oh i don't like uh this is a bummer oh good stephen colbert is coming to do cbs and oh i have not watched anything in years no too late you know what i record every day but it's like a self deleting recording that like in case anything comes up that i'm like you gotta see this this happened three nights ago yeah and youtube broke um okay okay oliver what's his first name john john oliver's show i also like always intend to watch that and then i see it like twice a year and I'm like, I should watch this more.

That counts towards his ratings though. Intention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're like, your actual ratings are bad, but the intentional ratings. I love that guy. Yeah. He's great. Go on his show and promote your book.

Fuck. I mean, if anyone can get me on anything like that, please. You could probably be the second or third guest on his show. Yeah. You can maybe do panel. Yeah. That always really freaks me out when someone we know is going to be on like a late night show. And they're like, yeah, I'm going to be on tonight.

And then they get bummed. And then they get bummed. Because like Barbra Streisand talks too much or something. Talks too much. And then like some guy. Mark Little can't do his set wow barbara's going long saying a lot of controversial things yeah she's talking about that weird mall in her basement she has a mall in her basement yeah like instead of a

closet i don't know if it's a basement but she has it kind of set up like this sort of like arcade mall not like video arcade but like a oh imagine but like uh so like i don't know if this is her entire closet but like she goes shopping she gets dressed by shopping fuck man it's too much but also like when have you ever seen her wear anything that wasn't just like the same drapey yeah it's all like she's going out

as a ghost for Halloween she just cuts a hole in the top of it puts her head through shots fired Barbara listens to this podcast

yeah while she's shopping in her underground mall you cut a hole in your ghost costume so what yeah

so what so what so you're a little big ghost so you're not gonna dress up as a ghost for halloween no i'm not gonna dress up at all are you gonna dress hank up come on what do you think he would look good in a puff of smoke yeah as a puff of smoke like put a like steam yeah like smoke sack underneath them them announcing that he's the, you know, that they figured out who the new Pope is going to be. Pope Hank.

Pope Hank. That's a cute costume. I always thought he looked great as a little sailor. Little sailor man would be great. Striped shirt. You know, like. But he's not like a grandpa. Right.

He doesn't want to make good things. He doesn't. He's not like a good boy. Oh, no. Yeah. He's just Hank. Grandpa took a while before. Okay. dog he doesn't want to make good things he doesn't it's not like a good boy oh no grandpa took a while before grandpa's like good for one back in the day when he was a fiery little beast a little rascal he uh was only good for like one frame okay like you would take 100 pictures and get one good one okay that makes me feel better because i can't even put a bandana on him he's like bucks like a wild horse oh you could dress him up like a wild horse oh i could do

that thing where you put the little doll on the back yeah yeah that's fun it off did you see that chucky uh dog costume no somebody posted on twitter tonight so good that sounds pretty good yeah his little knife i like it yeah you ever see any of the Chucky movies? Yeah, I think the first one for sure in the theater. In the theater? My parents took us to see it when we were kids. What? Your parents took you to see it when you were kids?

I love horror movies. She thought they were so funny. Really? What was it? Do you remember what her favorite? Like, did she, was there? What was the funniest one? What is the funniest horror movie?

I feel like the one that she thought was the funniest was called Mosquito. That sounds pretty funny. And I'm pretty sure it was called Mosquito, and it was about giant mosquitoes that kill people. That would suck. Yeah. Do you really like the heart of Dave there? Dave? I approve.

Yeah, she loves like B movies, like scary B kind of stuff. Yeah. Like the insect B? What was that movie with Weird Al Yankovic and- UHF? Yeah. She also really liked movies like that. Yeah.

Everyone loves UHF. Yeah. Yeah. UHF rules. They've got it all. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird that Weird Al Yankovic is so awesome and that he's still around and that he's only made one movie.

Like, you'd think that Netflix would be like, please make another movie, Weird Al Yankovic. Yeah. Did he write UHF? How did he? He must have. It's got his fingerprints all over it. There's no way to know. How did it happen?

Like, how? That's a very good that's what I want to hear in oral history yeah like how I don't want to read an oral history I want to hear it I want everyone to get together and come to my house tell me

because yeah like there would have to have been a studio exec who was like we can translate this guy's success into a film. And we'll let him write it. And star in it. Even though he's never acted in it. Yeah. And he's great in it.

According to my memory. Yeah. It has been. No. Does somebody put cheese in their pants in that movie? Oh, he's canceled. Weird Al's canceled because of cheese pants. Everyone says everyone's canceled now.

I know. Yeah. All my friends are canceled. Yeah. Oh, well, I mean, I've met most of them. Text out. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you sad that everyone's canceled? No. Do you like cancel culture? I don't think it's named correctly. I think it's often like repercussion culture. But I thought canceled when it first came out was just like a funny thing you say to people. And now it's not funny. Yeah.

I hope it's still funny for a few more episodes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. So what? So you're canceled. So what? So what?

Did the fact that your mom took you to horror movies, did that, like, did it freak you out when you were a kid? Or did you think they were funny, too? Or does it freak you out to this day? Yeah, I don't watch horror movies. We tried to watch a horror movie once. Do you remember what happened? You, there was, I don't watch horror movies. We tried to watch a horror movie once. Do you remember what happened? I can't remember.

But I remember within the first three minutes you were like... Yeah, it was called Funny Games. Oh, yeah. I don't even consider it a horror movie. It's just like a fun thriller. So scary. Yeah, I don't like them. Everyone's so polite. I've always been not into it.

Too polite. Yeah, the killer is so polite. Yeah, politeness will kill you in the end, yeah. Was that what happened? Well, they're both like the killers are polite at the beginning and the woman who's dealing with her is polite. She's too, she's polite to the point of her own danger. Oh. Yeah. Everyone gets killed in that, she's polite to the point of her own danger. Oh.

Yeah. Everyone gets killed in that, right? Uh-huh. Not everyone. Not the murderers, right? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like that stuff.

No. But like, when I was a kid, even just the poster of Chucky freaked me out. Like, to no end. That was...

Those kind of movies I can handle more than like, funny games. I think that the movie probably wasn't as scary as what I had conjured up in my head based on the poster. Like, it was just like a silhouette of a scary doll. And then I'm like, oh, man, just going to let my imagination run fucking wild. And it was modeled after my buddy, right? Yeah.

My kid sister. Yeah. My kid sister. Yeah. And then they made a remake where he's integrated into the house via Bluetooth or whatever. Recently? Yeah, yeah. Like last year. And so he can control everything in the house. Smart house.

Chucky? Yeah. That seems like it was like, well, we bought the company that owned the rights to Chucky bought this script and didn't know what to do with it. Yeah. Could it be Chucky? And it's also a company. Can we have a car that floats?

It's like the Bluetooth Corporation. They're like, can we? Is there any way that he can be Bluetooth compatible? That's how it happens, though. I don't know. Who owns Bluetooth? Huh. I don't know.

Because they've got that logo down. Yeah. The Extendo B. And you know what? As far as it goes, I think they've got a monopoly. I've never heard somebody be like, huh, you use Bluetooth? Yeah, I use beta. Dave, what's going on with you?

Well, I just wrote a book. Oh, congratulations. What's book oh congratulations so you're happy let's do things let's put this book down and be happy things to talk about when you're already happy go on waka waka here's what's going on with me so So we're like Margo just turned five. Congratulations. That's crazy. Yeah. That is crazy.

It freaked me out a bit. Well, you got scared by Chucky. Well, I mean Margo and Chucky. Margo is five and now she's a big scary mosquito. They change so fast. And so she is starting kindergarten. Oh, yeah. Or it's now called kindergarten.

Why? Did you know this? You heard about this? I don't know. But they do it so slowly. It's called gradual entry. So that's how I do it. Dude, I'm not even going to.

Why? Because it's just weird. Anyways, go on. The first day of school, no school. That sounds really good. The second day of school, one hour. All right. I'm on board so far.

Third day of school, one hour. Yes right. I'm on board so far. Third day of school, one hour. Yes. As promised. That brings us to Thursday. And then the Friday, it's one hour, but it's earlier. Oh, okay. All right. Now, those first two one hours were at 11.

This one's at nine. Starting to lose me. Okay. And then the following Monday, two hours. Okay. The Tuesday, three hours three hours and finally a week after the the second day of school yeah a full day and a full day is what four hours three to seven no uh uh nine to three oh that's a long day. Yeah. That's a long day. It is.

She's never done anything like, she's done preschool for three hours. Yeah. And we were like, really worried about it. I mean, not really worried about it. We were kind of like,

this is going to roll. First of all, it's free. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so long. But she was like, she's had some, she's great in in she's always been great in preschool but that like one minute when the door opens and you leave is yeah is trouble uh but she's been so good you can't just say look over there and then run but she's always outsmarting me like i can't run because she tells me my shoelaces

but it's been so great and uh she's a total superstar love her so much and today uh they now have like as of this week they started a thing where monday wednesday and fridays the parents can come in uh for 15 minutes and read just like they call it noisy reading time and you come in and you read with the kids uh and i was like oh cool i'll do that and i'm sure all the parents will do that when they drop off their kids nope quiet reading time featuring day so so i went in and i was like oh yeah i'll do some reading and margo go pick a book and i'll read you a book and then she gives it to me and i sit down to read it to her and like eight other kids yeah yeah so i was like okay i could get used to this

yeah yeah you know yeah work on some new material yeah yeah yeah have you heard about this girl who eats too many pink cupcakes and then she turns pink oh is that the book yeah what's pinkalicious new books yeah new books so i mean we're both involved in books yeah so you love your daughter so what it's beautiful uh she also so like we've signed her up for so many like activities like she's always been signed up for activities but now just adding them to a six-hour day we were like oh i think we we overdid it yeah but she's you know it's only uh a couple weeks but she's into them she's in we won's archery what is she in ballet she's no she she likes the idea of ballet okay who doesn't she likes to do ballet by herself or what she

imagines ballet is she loves ballet clothes yeah yeah but when you're in the class and everyone has to be like serious she she doesn't like that. Yeah. Then it's really good. Don't enroll her. Yeah. It's like the idea of like, she's really into princesses,

but if she knew what, you know, like what's happening to Megan Markle. Yeah, that's true. If, if, yeah,

if she got a dose of what hello magazine is like, yeah. Yeah. Um, did you want to be a ballerina? No, a similar, I wanted the costume

So I begged my mom to sign up And the reason why I wanted it was because I had seen a little girl walking past St. John Fisher The elementary school that we went to To go to ballet Fisher on St. John's butthole Oh jeez

Oh jeez Go on So I saw a little girl with brown hair Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez. Go on. So I saw a little girl with brown hair and she had the ballet case and had a brunette ballerina on it. It was a navy blue case. So I wanted that. I wanted that case. My mom said, you have to do ballet if you want it.

So by the time I decided to do ballet, only the pink case was left with the blonde ballerina. So I did one, one, whatever series of. One twirl. Yeah. Thanks for the case. I'm out. I didn't like it. I never liked like group stuff like that.

Oh. Did you ever do ballet? No, but there was no. Ballet for you. Yeah. There was no entry point. You would have loved dance classes. I would.

I probably would have. If there was any choice of doing some sort of dance outside of square, then I probably would have gone for it. But foreboding. Foreboding for a little boy. Yeah, it sucks. So she's doing

gymnastics. She's doing karate. Mm-hmm. And that's another one where it's just like, I think she's just into the gear. Like she saw that her. It's pronounced gi. She saw that her cousin had grown out of his gi.

And her aunt was like, you know, Margo can have this if she wants. And Margo was like, sign me up for karate. You know, Margot can have this if she wants. And Margot was like, sign me up for karate. And we were like, you have to cancel within 24 hours of the first class. Like, if you don't like this, get out. And we were so hoping that she wouldn't like it. Yeah.

She was like, I loved it. Do they start, do they break a breadstick or what do they starting with like a angel hair yeah um but uh so but she started soccer okay and that's two days a week that's a practice and a game oh man that brings me back but so it's and but it's that's something where I was like, play soccer because it's not a drop-off thing. I will be there the whole time. Yeah. And she was very into that. And so, but after one, just been two practices so far, I don't know how my dad stood on the sidelines for 12 years of me playing soccer and my brother yeah without a

smartphone uh the drugs were different back then you could get a prescription to all sorts of stuff with just my son's playing soccer and the doctor would give him oh yeah oh yeah yeah here's some lsd so you weren't you don't watch you look at your phone no i do but it's just like ah this is a long a long time of the same thing yeah it's a low scoring sport no i don't but like it's it's just so hard not to look at my phone for an hour yeah when that has happened and i'm the one who encouraged it. So, standing on the sidelines, it's raining a lot. And as a Vancouverite, there are some Vancouver things I've never owned. One of them is an umbrella.

An umbrella? I will have to get an umbrella, I think, for the first time after almost 40 years of living in Vancouver. There you go. I didn't know that about you. I've never owned a pair of Blundstone boots. I've never, I've never owned a BMW X five in white. But you'll have to now that you're going to soccer.

Yeah. Yeah. What else haven't you owned? Do you have a real waterproof coat? Yeah. Oh, that's good. I mean, it's pretty waterproof. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. What else haven't you owned? Do you have a real waterproof coat? Yeah. Oh, that's good. I mean, it's pretty waterproof. Okay.

Yeah. But I've always, having never owned an umbrella, I'm a hood guy. But you have your waterproof L.L. Bean boots. That's true. Mm-hmm. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. I thought my blendstones would be so comfortable, but they are not comfortable.

No? Not for me. Too narrow. No, it's just like they crush my heel. I don't know why. From the bottom? Yeah. Too shallow.

From the day. Yeah, too shallow. Yeah. No, I don't think so. You need a deeper shoe. Because of the Frankenstein boot. Oh, yeah. But on the outside there.

Yeah, we're just going to start shouting things that you might want to change about your boot. I'm so sorry. Yeah, so soccer. Karate. Karate, gymnastics, and school. And it's her birthday. Busy times. That is a busy time.

Holy. What did you guys do for her birthday? She's going to have a party this weekend. She has to miss soccer. But team photos are before that. So she's going to go to team photos, then leave. That's the way. If you're into the gear, you got to show up in your uniform and get a picture taken.

Absolutely. When is the karate team photo take place? That's when they put you up on a harness and you do a high kick. Now you can, they had this when I was a kid, but instead of just the picture of you and your team, you can have like hockey cards made of you. Oh, wow. Like you're on the cover of Karate Magazine. Who's on the cover of this one? Karate Magazine.

This year we chose a five-year-old who's been doing it for two weeks. Yeah. Anyway, so welcome back to school, everybody. Yeah. You're at the beginning of October. But it is top of mind. You know, we're in the fall. We've all gone back to work.

We're just hoping for that sweater weather to get here. Anyway, things are great. What's up with you? I, this past weekend, I went and did a show in the port city of Nanaimo. Oh. More like no-nime-no. Thank you. Home of the famous bar, the Nanaimo Bar.

If you don't... I don't know that our listeners will know what it is, but it's a dessert of some acclaim. It has no nut in it, right? It does. It has coconut. Oh, I thought it had nuts. It has no real nuts.

You've never had it in a Nanaimo Bar. That's what you're telling me. No, I've been had nuts. It has no real nuts. You've never had it in a night before. Uh, no. I've been told that they have nuts in the base of them. They might. I've never made them. I do not care for them. Yeah. What,

what are they? They're like a yellow goo. It's like. Surrounded by. It's like a yellowy custard. Again, I'm not someone who likes them either. So.

Yeah. But they're very popular. And people love them. Yeah. Like a hard. Yeah. Cookie base. Uh, Like a hard cookie base with a weird thick custard goo. Yeah.

Square of yellow goo. And then hard chocolate on top. It's a lot. It's not for me. It is a big point of pride of the town. And the show I did, uh, was at a bar that,

you went to Ananaimo. I went to Ananaimo bar. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh, um, and, uh,

afterwards, there was, uh, I've never, I've never seen this, but maybe it's, maybe it's around, maybe it's a thing somewhere.

Uh, an A&W. Ooh. Hamburgers. Sorry. Go on. Never mind. I usually have to think of a way in. But it had.

And whoop you. Yes, thank you. And yes. It had a drive-through, but also a walk up window oh did they also have a horse window

yeah well I mean you could use the walk up window with your horse that there was a picture of approved combinations of things

someone on a bike someone on a scooter yeah somebody on a hang glider these are all things you could do at the walk up window the thing about

a walk up window versus a drive through window is that in Nanaimo, everybody who is panhandling sees you buying something and realizes that you're Mr. Monopoly. And you don't have anything. You don't have windows that you could go like, I'm sorry, I can't. So, like, it was wild. It was wild how many people were on me like you buy me a and a lady asked if i could buy her ice cream and pie and i was like they do not have that at a and w they might they do yeah and it was another uh panhandler sold me out was like they do they do it's on the secret menu

you have to get an animal style so how many things did you buy for people I just ended up buying the ice cream and pie

for the lady I was like I'm not taking general I'm not just buying I didn't get to you what did you want I didn't get your order I'm not putting together

a horn of plenty and everybody gets a stab at it. If they wanted something, they had to ask. That was my immediate policy. Did you also have pie? No.

I'm surprised. She got the last one. Oh. Yeah. Well, I mean, bless you. She got the last one. The ice cream comes in.

Bless her. She didn't have a hay penny. I don't even know what that means. But if you haven't got a hay penny, then God bless you. I don't. Is that from a song? Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat.

This is crazy. If you haven't got a penny, then a hay penny will do. If you haven't got a hay penny, then God bless you. If you don't sing it. You don't know it? No. If you don't sing it, it sounds like you're putting together a clue. It's like, hmm, the next murder will be.

If you haven't got a hey penny. And then your head gets cut off. God bless you. This is crazy. Why? You do it in a round. Can you do it in a round? I think so.

Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat. Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat. Christmas is coming. The goose is getting fat. If you haven't got a penny, then no. I can't do it. It's too distracting. It's too funny.

Can we do Row, Row, Row Your Boat? Sure. Row, row, row your boat. Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Can you do, do you know this one? No, no, no. I've never heard this song either.

These songs are crazy. You know this one. No. You? No, no, no. I've never heard this song either. These songs are crazy. You know this one. No. You love it. Rowing a boat. Who wrote a song about that? That's insane. Wasn't a lot to write about.

Okay, you were in Nanaimo. You were at A&W. Yeah, I mean, that's the thrust of what happened in Nanaimo. But I got on the very first, I've never done this before. I got on the very first ferry in the morning. Seven? 6.30. Wow.

And the only other people on the ferry, and I mean exclusively, were sports teams going to some sort of tournament. Oh. And they've got energy. They've got energy at that time. And they were an excitable, there was a softball team. There was a hockey team. And I think maybe a track and field team?

There was a team that didn't have any equipment. So I assumed track and field. So the other teams were dragging soccer balls and softball bats around. Yeah, all the softball players had softball bats. Are you sure it wasn't the Warriors? Yeah, wait a minute.

It was a guy with bottles on his fingers. Yeah. Did you get breakfast on the ferry? No, I fell asleep on the ferry and had to be shaken awake by an employee. I'm sure they draw straws for who has to go shake me awake. draw straws for who has to go shake me awake. It was so, you know, that minute or two when you've just woken up, especially in a public place, and you're just so disoriented. You're like, I'm on a boat?

What the hell, man? Dave, have you ever had to be woken up in a public place? Well, I mean, it doesn't ring a bell. How often does it happen to you, Graham? I mean, every time I'm on the ferry, pretty much. Really? Yeah, I like the... You love sleeping on transit.

Yeah. It's the tops. A little motion to lull you to sleep. I hate standing on transit because I also want to sleep while I'm standing. You're like a baby on a dryer. Yeah. Yeah. I also, that's how I sleep. I curl up on transit because I also want to sleep while I'm standing. You're like a baby on a dryer. Yeah. Yeah. I also, that's how I sleep.

I curl up on the dryer. Oh, we've been putting our baby in the dryer. Oh, no, Dave. That's the first mistake. She likes it. Whee! Yeah, we put clothes in there. Yeah.

I mean, why not? Two birds, right? Although she soils the clothes and they have to be washed and dried again. Copy. Should we, you know, speaking of hay pennies and whatnot, should we move on to a bit of business?

Well, speaking of hay pennies, let's move on to some overheards. There we go. Overheard. Overheard Overheard It's a segment Where we hear things out there In the wild wild world And we come back here To the wild wild west

And we roll into the wild wild west That's right And we stroll into the wild wild west And then we share our overheards And we always like to start with the guests Sure Wiki wild I was on the bus i take

the bus to uh work i take a train a bus and then another train to work but it only takes 30 minutes and i was had my eye on this uh guy beside me he was young like maybe 13 or 14 he was drinking a latte and a take takeaway with like a home cup oh yeah and he was dressed really cute he was wearing a private school uniform or just a school uniform so white polo and like shorts and then mismatched cool socks and a pair of oxfords he seemed really sweet but he's trying to balance this latte yeah it kept spilling all over the place oh boy when kids start drinking coffee it's so weird. When they had to start doing karate, the gymnastics.

That's so true. There's a lot more pressure on them. But there was two more teenagers behind me and they're like cool teenagers where this guy was not super cool. And this girl seemed to hang on every word that this boy was saying i said in this very sort of napoleon dynamite voice which was very distracting i want to be a

crocodile i want to just you know like live underwater get all pruney that was it. I was like, that's not what being a crocodile is. No, yeah. I'd be like, I want to be a crocodile. I want to eat whatever I want. Yeah. Yeah.

Go to bed whenever I feel like. Yeah. Yeah. Cry and fake tears. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Listen to Elton John's song. About rock.

Have my own Dundee. Yeah. um have my own dundee yeah you i mean if you lived your life as a human as a crocodile you would get very pruney yeah yeah yeah it just got them talking about taking baths and i think that was more what they wanted to talk about but i got really stuck on the crocodile i wish i could spend all my time in the bath uh so i wish i was a crocodile yeah i mean not because of my chronic masturbation hey by the way can i go on your podcast i have a chronic condition no Old man. Dave, do you have it over here? Suppose I do.

I went to go see a movie called The Lion King. Oh, wow. Not live action. Yeah, sort of like realistic looking animals that talk. Yeah. I was going to say Billie Eilish. That's wrong. Billy Eichner.

Billy Eichner, yes. And all people of color cast, except for Billy Eichner, Seth Rogen, and John Oliver. Right. And Justin Trudeau. Oh, yeah. I forgot. He fooled some people. But this episode doesn't come out for like 12 days so i'm sure it will have blown over by

um so uh we were so i went with margo um have you seen the original lion king yeah yeah is it long and boring no the original lion king is awesome the The Circle. Which one? The Circle of Life. Oh, okay. Yeah. I've been watching a lot of Disney movies lately, and I don't know why it's part of them. Like, I haven't seen the original Lion King still. Yeah. But all the Disney movies are like, there's some kind of magic in them.

And there's like... Talking animals isn't magic? But in that world it's not Yeah, you're right, that's the standard There's no one that transforms anyone It just seems very straightforward Hero's journey And I also don't like

that it's like everywhere the light touches is what's at stake But we're going to confine the conflict to this rock. But everything big, this is big time stuff. But just keep your eye on the rock. Yeah. Anyway, so we were watching the movie in the theater and Margot is wrapped.

She's loving it. My name is Margot and I'm here to say I love the Lion King in a major way pop pop pop pop So spoiler alert

the dad dies and she was like I love this No you dad go climb on a rock So the dad is about to fall off the rock and she she said so loud, is he going to die? In the movie theater, a crowded movie theater, which, I mean, the First Amendment doesn't protect that.

And then in the final showdown, she says very loud again, Scar has to die at this moment. She says very loud again, Scar has to die at this moment. She would make a good production assistant. Somebody who scans through the script. There's too many beats here. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, he dies on this page. Okay, good.

Yeah, I haven't seen the remake, but I haven't seen any of the remakes because i don't know why i would they remade aladdin this year they were right but they're doing so they're doing like for a year yeah mulan's coming out happening yeah mulan is coming out and in the like in the trailer she's fighting and her hair's still long. The only thing I know about that movie is she cuts her hair with a sword. Yeah. That's stupid. Huh. I don't think I've ever seen... Did I ever see Mulan? I don't think I've seen it.

Beauty and the Beast I've seen, but I haven't seen the remake. Oh, it's good. Too scary. Too scary talking pots and pans in real life. Too scary. They are Like Those aren't realistic In the remake The

The Mrs. Potts Yeah And friends It's not You don't think of an actual Like T-fowl With a circle in the middle

Yeah That's the part that talks There's no talking Le Creuset In there What was your Overheard My overheard was.

Moo, chacho. Was being on the bus and a guy getting on with a giant, giant bag of cans. And a kind of a scary. We're going to say candy. Giant bag of candy. He said, who wants some? I said, me, me, me. Had some candy.

This guy got on this scary it's kind of a scary looking guy he said to this young man who was sitting in his seat he said hey that's my seat just kidding he's great yeah he was great he, he really, he knew, he knew what he was presenting as. Yeah. Really flipped the script on us. Yeah. So. I remember a few years ago after I almost got shot in the head, a guy, like I was very. You didn't almost get shot in the head.

I was grazed by a bullet. That's true. Yeah. But I wasn't shot in the head. You always downplay that. But like if you tell someone you were shot in the head. That's true. You usually visit a hospital shot in the head. That's true. You usually visit a hospital.

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. But I was very paranoid about strangers for after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also leading up to it. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I've always had pretty intense stranger danger.

Probably saved my life being afraid of strangers. I think so too. probably saved my life being a stranger i think so too uh but uh like there was a guy like a homeless looking guy rough looking guy uh walking across the street what like in the weeks after that happened and i locked my doors and he heard me lock my doors and he turned to me and like opened his toothless mouth and like gum like put ran its fingers over his gums. Be like, I am scary to you. Oh, Dave.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Remember that lady that was sleeping in your stairwell? She wasn't sleeping. She was just escaping the rain. Oh, okay. Yeah. And who could blame her?

Rain's so wet. Yeah. Oh, boy. It was during Oscar night one year. Oh, right. Yeah. When the stars come out. When Sean Penn was defending.

I don't know. Hugh Laurie. It's one of our finest. Now, we also have overheards sent in from people around the globe. If you want to send one in, you can send it into SPY at MaximumFun.org. And this first one comes from Matt. Oh. From right here in Vancouver.

I work at a local botanical garden. And as one might guess, it has its share of crotchety older folks. I have one such female patron who tends to talk my ear off every night as we're closing. Every night at the Botanical Garden. Do you have to pay to go in there or is it free? Wait, how botanical is it?

She also is very paranoid and recently had been suspicious of anyone who happens to be in the building late after we close, like her. On this night, she calls me over to point out a suspicious man waiting outside the bathroom for someone and says, What the hell is he doing? These people are always waiting around looking for things to steal.

The man she was referring to? Former mayor of Vancouver, Gregor Robertson. Yeah, Matt! Yeah. That's great. Yeah. And he's got nothing to steal he's got juice money oh yeah he's uh he's doing fine yeah and he's fine yeah damn he's thick with money that's the best way that's the best way to be thick? Yeah.

Yeah. Thick stack. I'm very body positive for the rich. This one comes from Michael in Wellington, New Zealand. I was telling my five-year-old son that if we didn't finish his homework, it wasn't the end of the world. He replied, I know, Dad. The end of the world is when the sun explodes. Oh, my God.

He's cute. I'm not going to let my five-year-old do homework. Yeah, exactly. Sounds like he's doing the homework. I'm going to be late for karate. Yeah. She'll karate chop me if I try to make her. Is that how it's going to end?

What? The sun explodes? Yeah, probably Okay Or implodes But it's going to smell like steak You're going to be like, what's that steak smell? And then gone

Too late It's some of this Montreal steak spice That they sprinkle all over How many school projects do you think you're you're gonna end up completing

just on your own oh uh if it's anything like my parents I would guess 100% of them so what are you

gonna build uh the the universe are you gonna build like the galaxy sure yeah volcano

that fucking volcano eh we never like the galaxy sure yeah volcano that fucking volcano eh we never like that's something from like culture from

no yeah I made one of those we never had to make them but like no like it was it wasn't not everyone had to make one but if you wanted to be

in the science fair but like it's just such a it's just like anyone can put vinegar uh vinegar hurting my feelings day baking soda together but it takes a special kind of curious curious scientific mind to sculpt a volcano around it and what is this teaching us about About volcanoes. There would always be potato, potato clock. You'll have to make

potato clock. Sure. You'll have to be like, how does a plant grow and put a trifold of all the different stages? How does a butterfly change? Yeah.

Oh boy, the water cycle. Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh man. This last one comes from Robin S. in Halifax, Nova Scotia. She tells me that you can request to put books on hold if you have an account with my local library. I feel like most libraries have that.

No, it's just special for Robin. Why is she telling us that? Why would Dave want to know? Well, because I want to read your book. Okay. Now, with this account, you can also leave a book review of the book that you signed out. I was putting a cookbook on hold that was written by the former chef to the Obamas. It had one review, which read, and this is the highlighted portion,

I only read cookbooks for the story, so this had plenty of story, and I have to say, was so inspiring that I couldn't stop. When the memoir section ended and the recipe section began, I kept going. I almost felt like I could get up off the couch and go in the kitchen and cook something healthy. I didn't. Great overseeing. Yeah. Yeah.

People love hearing the history of this dish. And when you find a recipe online, give me those paragraphs. Don't start with the ingredient. Yeah. Where were you when you first heard of this recipe? What did your husband think? I wonder. They could be hiding secret government messages in the

paragraphs leading to a recipe. Winning lottery numbers? Yeah, exactly. Fuck this. Skip, skip. I saw an ad for the lottery by Shirley Jackson. No, for BC Lottery

Corporation, that was like common lottery myths, and one of them Corporation, that was like common lottery myths. And one of them was like this ad was all about how picking numbers yourself does not increase your odds. Oh. No, of course it doesn't. The numbers are all chosen randomly. Yeah. Yeah.

My mind is blown. Why would anyone think that they had an advantage by picking superstition? But they're lucky numbers. You're just getting lucky numbers. They're not more likely numbers. There should be an ad that'd be like, you make your own luck, BC lottery. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Know your limit. Play with it. There should be an ad that says, hey. Hey, stop. Stop wasting your money on the lottery. Yeah.

Yeah. Sad. I don't, and never have. No. Never once bought a ticket? I have. Oh, it's a thrill.

I have. It is a giddy little thrill in your pocket for a couple days. Every time I do buy a ticket, it's been so long since I last bought a ticket that I filled out

the thing wrong and I have to turn back around and go fill it out again and then i give up i leave what do you have to fill out like when you choose your numbers oh you know what it's i know you're not more likely to win but i want to play the same numbers each time oh what are they uh just lucky numbers i don't want to say plus yeah I don't know that off by heart um do I know mine off by heart yeah let's all say them at the same time

72 one two three in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls I know these numbers

off by heart if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 or 1-UGH-SPY-POD-1. Nice. Did I do a good Alicia impression?

Oh, doi, oi, oi, oi. Ai, ai, ai, ai. I eat gluten. Wait, no, I don't. Oh, teeth. Always takes his impression too far. Too far, Too far. So mean.

Hi, guys. This is Jason from Seattle with Overhood. I was at the zoo, and there's two kids running around in circles, probably four years old. And one was a boy and a girl. And one said to the other, Stephanie, be honest. What do you think about ravens? And the little girl instantly said, I love ravens! Be honest, be honest. I love them.

That's wonderful. How do you feel about ravens, Alicia? You know, I've turned a corner on corvids, I believe they're called. Okay. Like crows? Yeah, I like them. Oh, last spring I started noticing this one crow was following Hank and I a little bit. So I would give him treats from Hank's treat pouch. And then he would just meet us on our walks and kind of fly beside us. And Hank hates crows. Really?

Oh, yeah. Hank doesn't like cats or birds or helicopters or airplanes. He's also really doesn't like the guy that cleans our building. Well, he's very scared of him. There's nothing you can do about that. Yeah. He doesn't. He dresses in a helicopter costume.

You should ask him to stop doing it. And he flies down from above. Yeah. I like, I like most animals. Yeah. Because crows are kind of crows. Ravens are really cool. Yeah.

They're so cool. And they don't seem to scare you. What do you think about crows? Yeah, they're good. Oh. Yeah. I'm still against them. are really cool. Yeah. They're so cool. What do you think about crows? Yeah, they're good. Oh, yeah. I'm still against them.

Oh, yeah. Well, too late, because you've got a whole family living in your backyard. Yeah, and Abby's encouraging them

and throws dog food out to them. And she gives them letter grades. A plus. Good crow, good crow activity. Is she really? She fed them once and I was like, please stop feeding them. They don't need any encouragement.

They're crows in Vancouver. They're doing fine. But maybe her feeding them takes a break off of the other animals that they kill. Look, it's the circle. Circle of life. Yeah. From the rock to the rock. Here we go.

Next call. Going to be in trouble with Abby. Hey, Dave, Graham, and guest. This is Kevin calling from Modesto, California. And my wife was out with her girlfriends. And they were karaoke singing at the local pub here, and it was about 11.45 at night, and I thought, you know, I'm going to go over there and check them out.

So I pulled into the parking lot, and I backed into a stall, and as I was getting out of my car, there were two guys getting into another car and one of them was puking in between the door in his car. And so as I was walking around, he said to his friend, yeah, I'm throwing up for no reason. Up I go. Oh, like he's hiding that he's drunk? I don't know. You sick or something?

It's not even a holiday. It's not that interesting. Like, he backed up into his parking spot. That's like a pro move. Yeah. I mean, yeah. If you're going to rob a bank, it's the way. You don't have to back out your car later. Good to know. Still don't drive.

Yeah. First learn how to drive. Okay. Then the getaway vehicle. All right. All right. From puking for no reason. Yeah.

Well, I mean, what are the good reasons? Maybe someone kept just saying clam chowder to him over and over again. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The strangest thing. Yeah. What are the good reasons to puke? Flu.

Mm-hmm. Ate too much in a pie-eating contest. Uh? Flu. Ate too much in a pie eating contest. Ate too much in a hot dog eating contest. I currently ate some food you're not supposed to eat. Yeah. Castor oil. Oh. Castrol. Castrol.

With Zyrtec technology. Yep. And finally, rounding out our list of reasons to puke. Saw your parents doing it. Oh, man. Have you guys? No.

Seen it? Yeah. No. No, I've heard of it. Yeah. I know how many times at least. Did I ever tell you that I thought like my friend's mom had a lot of children? So did your mom.

I thought that. Don't talk about my mom that way. Your mom. Your mom had a lot of kids. So many kids. But she just had to have sex once, and then she was like a chicken. And every year she'd have one baby. I don't know how chickens work.

Me either. I just thought that's how chickens work. That's pretty good. All right. Here's your final overheard. Hi, Graham and Dave. I'm driving home from work and I saw someone with a baby on board sticker,

but the O was... Jesus fuck, dude, what are you doing? Fuck. Sorry, I'm an anxious driver. I'm a nervous driver. Is that it? Nope. He calls back.

Is that it? Nope. He calls back. Was someone backing? It sounds like someone was backing him. Yeah, it was like... It sounds like he was driving without his seatbelt on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, next.

Hi, Dave Graham and other potential funny comedian who's in Canada at the moment. Yep. My name is Puddle from Chicago-ish. Pay them, please. And I'm driving home from work, and I saw someone with a Baby on Board sticker on their back windshield,

except the O is an egg, like a spotted egg, which will be explained by the fact that there's a Yoshi, a picture of a Yoshi from Mario. Oh, yeah. Right next door, like on the same decal.

Fuck. You're doing a really bad job. I'm sorry. Okay, wait. I'm going to really bad job. I'm sorry. Okay, wait. I'm going to write it down and call you back. Okay. Here we go. Okay, so I didn't write it down.

And here's why. It's because I'm driving. And then also I'm going to therapy. And I will will 1000 have forgotten um by the time therapy's done you know i'm running a little late right now uh cut cut out oh no sorry to really feel for this guy getting a phone call the voicemail cut me off and i don't know why but hi okay i'm puddle and uh i'm from chicago and i saw here we go puddle yeah puddle here we go the voicemail lady keeps bullying and cutting me off

but whatever okay so i uh there's a sticker on a car, and it said baby on board, but it's Yoshi for some reason, and I don't know why. Um, it's Yoshi. Is Yoshi a baby? Does he come out of an egg? Are all Yoshi's babies because they're just, like, out of eggs? What the fuck? I don't understand. Ha!

This voicemail was so hard to make, and why isn't it cutting me off now? I just figured it would've by now, but, okay, get a new voicemail, lady. She's really And why isn't it cutting me off now? I just figured it would have by now. But okay, get a new voicemail lady. She's really mean and cuts me off. Okay, goodbye. Wow. But you got through it in the second call.

There was nothing to add. Yeah, that's true. But, you know, these are all fair questions. Every time I see a variation of the baby on board, king on board king on board has to go unless unless it's DJ Colin because that guy

loves his kids so much man does he ever well that brings us to the end of this here podcast hey Alicia anything you gotta promote please buy my book you can buy it online you can buy it on Amazon or you can get it on arsenalpulp.com Alicia, anything you got to promote? Please buy my book.

You can buy it online. You can buy it on Amazon or you can get it on ArsenalPulp.com. And yeah, if you want to listen to Retail Nightmares, please do. And if you want to listen to Super Sick, that would be great. If you want to follow me on Twitter, it's Alicia A. Tobin. Yeah, sometimes I post pictures of Hank. Yeah. And maybe this year in some kind of fun costume yeah maybe be fun i know he just i don't know i feel like he's ready he's ready you could

get him to do it because he does stuff for you yeah well you pick out the costume i'll come over and take the photo okay yeah yeah um maybe just one of those cheese hats. Oh, yeah. That'd be fun. He's really cute in because he looks great in yellow. Yeah. Real Wisconsin treat. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you have anything? Boy, I just want everyone to have a great October. Yeah. Enjoy hockey season. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This year's a real building year for your team. Oh, the listener? Yeah.

You're looking at me. No, no. The listener. No, my team is going to win it all thought you were looking at me no no the listener no my team is gonna win it all your team's gonna play in the big league mhm

turn some heads um yeah have a good October everybody yeah stay safe out there don't light off any firecrackers

do you have anything you wanna no same thing just have a good fall yeah no firecrackers please um I know I had my chance but everything by my, no firecrackers, please. I know I had my chance, but everything, by my book, no firecrackers, please.

Yeah, that's the title of your book is No Firecrackers, Please. Yeah, that's the title of my second book. Thanks so much for being our guest. You guys are the greatest. Thanks for being my friends. You are. And thank you for listening out there. If you enjoyed the podcast, why not tell your friends?

Go on, tell them right now. Put down this podcasting machine. Tell your friends. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.