Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 612 - Emmett Hall

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

Comedian and musician Emmett Hall returns to talk traveling with his dad, gums, and eating alone.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 612 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who couldn't be more cozy in his winter cardi with his, what would you call it? A real ribbed, big buttoned, real cozy. It's ribbed for?

Your pleasure. Thank you. Dave Shulka. Hi, I'm wearing a big cardi today. It's ribbed for. Your pleasure. Thank you. Dave Shumka. Hi, I'm wearing a big cardi today. It's a cold one. You know, you see the zeros in the forecast and you think, hey, that's fine. That's fine for who? It's like, that's not that cold.

No. Because, you know, people tell you it's not because people live in uh because it dips below yeah but then it's cold yeah like you could free like the ground is frozen it's um uh you're you're cozied up when i came over your daughter no clothes at all yeah so it skips a generation well she got some uh sauce on her shirt. And so, see you later. See you later. Everything. That's me at work. Hey man,

you spilled some soup on my keyboard. Better get naked. Our guest today, returning guest of the podcast, a guy we always love to have here on the show. It's Emmett Hall, everybody. graham hey cardi d nice nice cardi david this is good cardigan wearing david cardigan david david who wears a sweater it's not even a cardigan maybe i don't want to i mean no it's a cardigan yeah yeah i'm having trouble seeing your eyes so i'm gonna just sit like this nice real casual kind of side yeah that looks good um do we want to get to know us

get to know us emmet i feel like every time you're on the show you've you're a world traveler uh it just times out that way yeah but more i think more than most you go on like an international trip in a way that more people like some people will go to hawaii or mexico or somewhere just tropical and vacationing and you're like a rugged adventurer type. Well, not really, because this last time I was in Sicilia. Huh? With my padre. Sicily with my dad. Sicily with your dad.

It was very civilized. Yeah. But that was a little while ago. That's not exactly recent. A couple months ago. But, like, that's your most recent. Or have you gone on another sojourn? No, no, no, no, no. No, I guess that's the thing I could have you gone on another sojourn no no no no

no i guess that's i guess this thing i could talk about i could also talk about sure yeah we don't need to set you up yeah well i'm just trying to think of what's most recent in my life um although it is uh it is fun to imagine you and your dad on a Sicilian adventure. Uh, yeah, this was, this was the first time we'd ever done a me and him solo together. That oxymoron. Together alone. Yeah. Usually if I've been traveling with him, it's been with his,

his wife, uh, or back in the past with my parents. Right. They were together or I'm usually just on my own. And this, this was like, all right,

dad's 70 now. Yeah. And it was kind of like uh let's let's let's do something before those knees don't work no more yeah tell me what your dad's knees peter hall's knees legendary legendary strong and through the ringer though yeah yeah yeah they've traversed many cobblestones. Is he an athletic man? No, he's an actor. He's a theater man. He's a theater man.

And during a time when there's a lot of very performative physical aspects to theater, so a lot of wearing weird costumes and puppetry and stuff like that in the early 80s and doing school tours and things like that. So he's put his body through the wringer, but also was very uh fit very lean did he ever have any acting injuries yeah did he like the required medical stuff or is it uh yeah he's he's he he's done the tightrope walking when it was cool like back before everyone started doing it when it was actually cool he actually did tightrope walking like Like high up? No, I'd say maybe about seven or eight feet off. That's high. What was the name of the guy who did the man on wire?

Oh, yeah, that was his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could not tell. Francois something. Francois French. Yeah. L'homme sur feu. My dad fell off a man on fire.

What? It was a man on wire. No, no, no. Sur ligne. Sure., no. Sur lean? Sure. Sur fisse sur câble? Not fisse. Fisse would be

man on his son. Yeah. On his son. Yeah, that was my trip. My dad fell off as, I think in his 20s

he fell off a tight rope onto his elbows. Hey. Yeah. And so he's had bad elbows. Oof. Yeah.

For a long time. Um, and he's got really crackly knees when he, when he kneels down. My whole life, I, I can picture that. Do you have crackly body parts? Yeah. What do you have? There's a knuckle there. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Thumbs. Those two thumbs. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Abby's, Abby's got hips and back I have knees

And I love it Like I love the feeling of crack Like when your knees crack When your toes crack When your knuckles crack But I just developed elbow Ooh I do not like it No

Is there like a little bit of tension It feels like something is Yeah Something's being pulled over a bone. Is it just on the one side? Yeah. Is this a tennis? No, it's my left elbow.

I don't do anything with it. Maybe you need to start working it out. Yeah, man. I need to start doing some tennis. Yeah. Have you had any of the longstanding injury like that? Like from early on? Or you played it safe? No, I wasn't a very sportive guy. I've never broken a bone or injury like that? Like from early on? Or you play it safe?

No, I wasn't a very sportive guy. I've never broken a bone or anything like that. I mean, I have my neck, my back. Yeah, well, what? My crack. How about you? None of the above.

All of those are fine on me. Yeah? None of them make it around so you went voluntarily on a trip with your dad I proposed this to my dad you got down on one knee

yeah like that came across very awkward he said yes I suggested going to the Maritimes because neither of us had ever been out east came across very awkward. He said, yes. I suggested going to the Maritimes because neither of us had ever been out east. I've never been farther than Montreal. So I was saying, hey, let's go do that.

Or let's just go a little past Montreal. Yeah. And he said, well, I'd rather go to Sicily because my dad's mother is Italian. So he speaks some Italian and this is Northern Italian, but Sicily is its own cultural ecosystem. Yeah. If you were,

if you will. And he was, he was keen to go do that. And I was like, yeah, it sounds fine to me. I was, I was,

yeah, I was a pushover in that. I've been there too, but but it's and it's like why not it's it's a great place how fast did you revert to teenage emmet i mean oh no this is yeah yeah i mean this is i'm an only child so i have perpetually the child for my parents at all times right they don't don't have, they don't, I don't have a sibling to, to bounce the,

uh, that role. Right. Or switch, take shifts in that. So it's always me. So the other, the,

the other, the thing was the dynamic was, um, my dad spoke all the Italian because he's, I don't speak Italian. Just give us a little bit of what you would, would have. Yeah. I want to a little bit of what you would, would have.

Yeah. I want to say DJs. Is that man on wire? Yeah. Man on wire. That was all make that's not real. Uh, that sounds good. That sounds real. It sounds a bit.

Fair. Feet. And that you should have seen the, the gesticulating he did yeah yeah oh you have to you have to maneuver your body because it's not a language it's um it's an energy yeah well also because you your father came from the acting time oh gosh we could go down a wormhole here just watching my dad act for Italians as an Italian. I'm very interested. Yes, I would like to finish the dynamic here. So my dad spoke all the Italian.

So my dad was the guy talking to all the adults. So if I needed anything, my dad would talk to the other adult. We put everything on his credit card. So that because we were splitting everything down the middle. We were just like, look, we'll just split the bill at the end of the trip and i'll pay and he's like but we'll just put all my credit card for now so dad was buying everything so if i wanted to buy anything i'd have to ask my dad you brought your credit card you could have i could have i could have but it's just like at every meal or anything like that or like renting a car anything

like that was just but if you want to go get a soda pop. No, yeah, I could do it. I had a few euros to like... Just play around. A little fun money. Yeah, I had an allowance like a couple of euros. And then...

Funny money. We rented a car and my dad did all the driving. So I was the kid sitting beside the adult driving. And then in the rooms we stayed in. Dad got the big bed and i got the little kid bed that

was in the room how what is your size difference is he still twice your size twice as tall as you uh yeah yeah my dad's like 12 feet tall now he just kept growing yeah that's why he's got those those bad elbows and yeah he um no we're about the same height now and so again it was just me having to recalibrate be like no i'm 39 he's 70 the maturity level it the window narrows over as you aged but he still made you take a bath in the in the sink yeah Well, that's just because it's Europe. Yeah, that's true. Tommy had to use a bidet. No, watch, watch.

Damn it, come on. But my dad, yes, he's very much romantic, and so everything about... Must have been tough sharing a room i know so i this proposal he was very moved and swept away by that and i was like no i'm just this i'm just asking if you want to go on this thing it wasn't he uh would you will you marry the maritime no the sicily no but every interaction had to be was just seemed to be this momentous occasion with this person.

He was always kind of leaning into the movements and the smirk on his face and everything he would eat. Everything was like, this is how you eat an orange. This is how Romeo would have eaten an orange with Juliet. It's not that far off. You know, 7 a.m. You have a brioche with ricotta in it, and you have a cappuccino. And that's how you start your day. It's like, okay.

I mean, or you don't. Like, you can have yogurt and granola, too. That works. It's fine kind of thing. And so, I was seeing. So, am it raining on his parade? Yeah, I was being the being the more pragmatic like i don't know if that's the way that this is just a place and like i don't also then well just where do you think they got all this coffee and chocolate from they had to call nice someplace there peter so he was like uh okay boomer yeah Yeah. What else?

We were going to destroy your dad in some way, weren't we? Yeah, you were saying you were going down a wormhole of your dad acting for Italians. Well, yeah, so he would put on a persona, this Italian persona for all of them, and then there'd be times where he would start talking to a vendor at a market and they'd just swindle him into buying like 30 euros worth of nuts. And some weird cheap jam

that the person made. And my dad was like, we're going to, we're going to eat these nuts. Can I, give me your cash. This is my allowance. The one bit of cash I had,

he's like, hand over your fanny pack. Well, they don't take credit cards. Meanwhile, you see the vendor go back to his wife and like, make fun of your day. We came back on the plane with about 20 euros worth of nuts.

Pistachio. Hey, what does pistachio mean?achio oh um what uh did you declare those nuts uh do i have something to declare yeah these nuts these nuts is back in canada um did you uh i i follow i still read blogs and I still am subscribed to blogs I've been subscribed to for years even if I don't really read them. And when I opened up my blog catcher,

Google Reader, they discontinued it for most people, but I can still use it. Oh, good for you. Yeah. There was a post from a food blog that said, 65 recipes that use ricotta. And I was like, that's too many recipes.

What am I going to? No, not in Sicily. It was insane. I can't. They just slather everything. Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I'm not making 65 things.

No. The blog doesn't say that you have to. The blog says, there's 65 things you have to make in order. We're not going to show you number two until you make number one. Send us a photo of what you've made. Yeah. An adobe wall out of ricotta.

Play-Doh out of ricotta. What was your favorite thing that you ate while you were there? I ate... Besides the expensive nuts. Yeah, yeah. I ate those out of spite. No, no, you go and go and eat nuts are expensive was it a good deal on did you get a lot i don't think so i mean like

it felt like 25 pounds of nuts yeah i mean the thing is when you do buy brand yeah yeah when you buy organic fresh nuts here it's like it is really expensive these pistachios are growing there so i think it's yeah this is sweet this is a great deal yeah this is where you're gonna get your nuts yeah yeah we're in on the ground floor cheap flight to sicily you're going to catania that's what that i don't know your dad's in the nut business yeah as you get back it's like well i got a nut guy yeah in italy you're gonna have the nut business? Yeah. As you get back, it's like, well, I got a nut guy in Italy. You're going to have the nut market. A lot of people go to Palermo. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You go to Catania. That's right. Just south. A lot more exposure. So the nuts get a little bit, get riper quicker. So you take that trip back and then you have a guy waiting for you with Brazil nuts on the other side. And then you bring those back to Italy?

Yeah. Yeah. My dad's in Brazil right now Yeah I had some anchovies that were really good Mmm Boy, I I couldn't imagine No No, anchovies and olive oil

The food was amazing Everything we did I would highly recommend. I recommend going to Sicily in general. I'd say going to Southern Sicily. I'd say going in. What part of the boot is Sicily? Sicily is its own island.

I know, but where off the boot? It's like the soccer ball that's deflating off the tip of the pointy boot. That's getting kicked. So it's a really big island. Yeah. But def island. Yeah. But deflated. Yeah. The time of year,

middle of October, still could go swimming in the ocean, but there wasn't a lot of people. Because everyone's trick-or-treating. And looking for nuts. Yeah. Cheap. Really cheap,

relatively to Italy. Right. And we spent as much, we never were. And we, we were, we spent as much, we never were like holding back. We were like eating everywhere we wanted to. So I fully endorse.

They got McDonald's? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So if you eat McDonald's every day, you go with my dad. You get a McNut?

Yeah. Yeah. He's got, he's got some kind of deal on nuts now. You can get nuts cheap. Yeah. Yeah.

Over in Italy, you get a burger, but it comes with a side of nuts the famous Italy food nuts but I don't

know pistachios aren't everything but I do feel like if you go to a market especially in another country you

feel a pressure like to like I'm making a deal here I'm bargaining I'm coming home with here. I'm bargaining. Oh, yeah. I'm coming home with three ponchos. Yeah. Mexico only.

And I feel like you always end up on the raw end of that. Yeah, I never do it. I never buy anything at markets. I mean, I've got all these rings, all these silver rings. Yeah. And they are silver. They turn your fingers green. Yeah, of course. Like silver green yeah like silver like silver do yeah yeah like silver do yeah like silver does oh silver oh that was just i thought it was like

d-e-w yeah i guess silver do yeah silver do jewelers yeah expose the sunlight in it what's that word when when around the toilet when it's uh around the toilet it's when the condensation condensation that's the word around the toilet that's why i'm always thinking of where is a condensation that or a window i guess yeah toilet mostly when things condensate you want a toilet boy i want to see a list of top 10 condensation things a window a toilet. Boy, I want to see a list of top 10 condensation things. A window, a toilet. It could be on that blog. Some pipes. Yeah, 65 times Ricotta condensated and made us have squad goals.

Condensational. Condensation squad goals. Yeah. Yeah, so would you travel with your father again or was that? It was. Would you recommend we travel with your father? Yeah. I think so.

I think it was interesting having exposure to someone who's really, like I said, kind of romantic and gets excited about all the experiences. Yeah. Where instead of I. Did your dad ask you to call him romantic 10 times i i don't know what else what's the other word to to say like passionate passionate or just the horny yeah yeah lustful horny for culture yeah um he's like uh roberto benigni yeah but he's right where he. He wants to try and pronounce all the words. All dads do that.

And be proud of how the mispronounce. My dad used to say Antonio Banderas. Yeah, yeah. But just everything when he'd eat, it was like, mmm, mmm, mmm. Oh, yeah. And I'm just too. Not being passionate about this ice cream. Yeah, mmm, mmm. Oh. Mmm. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just too. Stop being passionate about this ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gelato.

It is gelato. But, and it also put in to perspective how kind of dysthymic my approach is. Where does he live? Here? Kizzalano. Okay. Do you ever go to dinner with him here? Yeah. Like go to a restaurant with him? And is he live? Here? Kizzalano. Okay. Do you ever go to dinner with him here? Yeah.

Like go to a restaurant with him? And is he that way about? A little bit if he likes the restaurant. Yeah. But as soon as he's in just some exotic location, he'll turn it on. And all power to him when I, I just don't have it in me to buy it in the same way. And it was interesting seeing that. I wish you did.

I'd love to see passionate Emmett. I know, but but that's just not it's just not who i am so i i kind of realize uh how much of a dud i am on a bit on trips and i've traveled with myself a lot of times but like when you travel but i'm not gonna go out of my way last time you were here you were you went to morocco yeah and i think once you before you went to japan it would be weird when you're by yourself to be like oh this oh yeah tagine i'm by myself eating oh please everyone watch me the spices they're so otherworldly agagoo but i do i admire somebody who can get that jazzed about anything. Yeah.

Like, I remember meeting a guy in Edinburgh who was super jazzed about these mangoes. And they were great mangoes, but I'd never seen somebody so excited. Check out these mangoes. Yeah. I have some mangoes upstairs that are dried. Do you want to eat them in the break? Yeah, I might have one. Yeah.

Bring them down. Yeah. Another problem was, um, I realized maybe my dad doesn't think I'm funny. Oh. Maybe my dad doesn't think I'm as funny in the certain ways that I think I'm funny. So he was offering me all this fodder to tease him about. Right. How he's like, you know what?

I'd like to open up a puppet show here. I'd like to, you know, just put on a... He really was setting you up. These simple people would love a puppet show. Good Lord. So I would tease him about it, or I would just establish a scenario, like what if it was actually like this, or why is the food taking so long i'm like this is why they're doing it because they're

doing like you know yeah he's like you don't have to shit on everything yeah and he's like you know what he was right yeah you don't have to but all these nuts that i keep by yeah uh being earnest for two weeks straight is exhausting. Yeah. So, uh. Like, when's it going to be my turn? You be Vern. Yeah.

Yeah. But, uh, have you ever done any traveling like that? Just. Just with one parent though. Just with one parent? No. No. I haven't either.

I did when I was 16, I went to New York with my dad and uh that was fun but I was a teen I was a surly teen so what you know what am I gonna what am I gonna do right but as an adult I wonder what I bring to the table probably not much I find it very interesting how quickly I can get back into a surly teen when my parents are asking me for help with their computers yeah i think it's when my parents get up so early when i'm staying at their house and they like they're up at you know six or whatever fluttering around yeah and then i then i come up at 10 and it's kind of like hey sleepyhead you're like come on that's strange still being 39, like wanting to sleep until like 10 or 11 in the morning. They weren't doing that at 39, were they?

No, they weren't. No, because you were jumping on their head. Hurting their elbows. That's my bat. That's my tightrope elbow. Oh, also my dad will like pack his own kimono too on a trip well who's gonna pack it for yeah who's gonna this isn't a you're not going to come on here's a great example of him and tell me about this kimono is it he wears it this is a silk this is a silk kimono he's got a couple the one i

used to is is uh it's like a sort of a thicker cotton it's like a is it like a dressing gown you wear does he wear it to after a shower does yeah he'll wear it after a shower and he'll be naked underneath and how and oh how this was the last time you guys saw your dad naked my dad is not uh it's been i can say it's been a long yeah my dad is not shy about that he he's an old hippie and he just like wanders around with this old man butt flapping around. Like it's, I say,

I, and it makes me go like, well, what the fuck? Like why I'm with me? Like, why am I so self-conscious around this? I want to talk more about this kimono.

I do see my dad naked regularly, but I don't because we go to the same locker room, but I, my, I, without my glasses, I don't see anything. Um, same locker room but i my without my glasses i don't see anything um how far below the scrotum does the kimono go i was right to the ankle yeah it's i'm imagining a short little no no it's like

something you get at a like a samurai kimono yeah yeah okay and if you're lucky and he's feeling like a little bit of a cold coming on, he might wear a scarf for that. If you're lucky. So, seeing him in a kimono with a scarf on, reading a newspaper. My God. You. This is you. This is Sicily. Yeah.

But don't you feel like. He's on vacation. There's a part of that that's you. Oh, yeah. Like. Oh, just watching. Where's your kimono? I'm capturing myself.

Well, you'll inherit the kimono one that's true as much as i'm silently judging him in my head through the whole trip it's just me trying to tamp down all the exact same things i do like i was watching right so sing that song yeah yeah watching myself do all the exact same mannerisms as him and how he'd like fling his arm around i'd be like yeah i'd do it the same with not jokingly and i'm like there's where the two same people sitting in the room yeah um it is funny when you see someone like if you're traveling by yourself like you could be eating the most delicious meal of your life and no one would know it like you don't just tell anyone about it you you might write it in your diary you might write it in your diary you might tell people

later but like other people in the restaurant would be like this poor sad guy i even even in i i don't see so much of all that stuff. And especially when you go on vacation and when you're in a place like Europe, it's all just laden with like narrative on top of it. So it's like this, this food was the, the buckwheat was from the, uh, from,

uh, a Truscan soil that had been done. And then what happens is they, um, the panchetta is, uh, exposed to, uh,

Mediterranean sun. So there's actually a certain amount of sea salt that crisps that they like and you start as soon as all that's sold onto a meal you can have the driest charcuterie yeah and be like oh well it's sardinian then what they do in sardinia is they actually prefer to have it because what you do they like it because because it gives you an excuse to have a little bit more wine that that getting old too of uh well i think i am it it's uh it's almost noon i think uh it's time for a glass of wine oh yeah all right let's just get to that drink and that's why i've come back home i'm not drinking right now i've come back home. I'm not drinking right now. I've come back home. And after all that. You're drying out. I'm drying out. After all that booze and after all that meat and dairy products, I've predominantly gone vegan too.

Wow. Oh, wow. So it's. You know what's great? It was a last hurrah. I even ate some donkey in Sicily. You guys. No, no.

It wasn't even on the menu. No, no, no. Okay, you're laughing. Oh, yes we are no no you millennials no but you go to a stable and you pick and they're old donkeys they're not they've got a few weeks left yeah but they've got a few weeks but you're not gonna give it to them stringy it's stringy and tough it's like you ever had binder twine have you ever had binder twine yeah like what they were like hay bales yeah yeah have i ever had it yeah it's like shoot as you imagine that run a rofy and you're like sticks in your teeth and like that's what old donkey did yeah it was it was a it was a it was like a cured meat so it was like a part of a charcuterie plate

and it was spiced and like yeah everybody stood around rubbing their hands waiting for you to see if he eats the donkey they eat horse

did you get a did you get like a souvenir t-shirt that says I ate ass in Sardinia Sicily I'm sorry well the Sardinia. Sicily. No, sorry.

Well, the Sardinians like the ass because then you get to have a little bit more wine. Yeah, that's the... So now are you vegan just for a break? No, I'm going to try and make a shift. You know what? If you're a good source of protein for vegans... Dunk.

Nuts. Oh, yeah. I'm on top of all the uh what the what you got to do to uh what about the wine are you gonna are you off the wine for good i am and i use the word i think appropriately here indefinitely off alcohol so that means i don't know when i'll go back on okay yeah i know what that means yeah but a lot of people say indefinitely as if that's like never again well no that would be definitely i know but people use it wrong like inflammable they use it like flammable inflammable and people like it's like a literal kind of thing right i literally i'm literally off alcohol i mean i'll have a little bit here and there though but what

about the holidays because they're right around there no no no i'm gonna try and go i you know what i did and and uh it was listening to amber harper young's uh episode yeah she mentioned her smoking book oh yeah how to start smoking yeah i was smoking with jimmy carr so i'm smoking now no i smoke instead of eating no no it was how to kidding. No, it was How to Quit Smoking, but that same guy, that Alan Carr book, does a How to Quit Drinking. So I did the same process. I read that book. Oh, really? It's very much like a deconstruction of like, breaks down all the reasons why you drink and how you make social associations, all those kind of things. And it was a lot of stuff I'd already been telling myself for a long time.

Right. But the difference, though, is alcohol is quite fun isn't it i know you'd say that rhetorically but it's not a rhetorical question like isn't it isn't it fun yeah but isn't it i don't know because i've been doing it for 25 years i've associated fun with alcohol forever right but at the same time i'm like you started drinking when you were 14 ish yeah not regularly but like you know for something fun to do and then it just becomes a part of your life and then every no matter what the occasion you're like well i guess i better drink it would be funny if you know how like you're supposed to bring a bottle of wine

if someone invites you to a party, if you brought them some cigarettes. Well, this is fun, too. These are just as fun. This is fun. Let's go out on the patio and have some fun. What were the drinks you liked in Sicily? Sicily? Other than the wine. There was just wine? There's great wine there. They have a really good Amaro, which is like a digestif. I like grappa, but they don't make it as much there, which is like a grape liqueur.

I've never had it. The name suggests grape. It's pretty harsh, yeah. They have a couple good beers there, too. Yeah. I don't know if that's where the Negroni came from. It came from that country. Somewhere in the bootgroni came from. It came from that country. Yeah.

Somewhere in the boot. So no, it's just clean living for you now. Yeah, so I don't, I. When he's asleep, I like to sneak into his house. I'm like the, it's a tooth fairy, but I put donkey meat under his tongue. Dude, I. Does anyone. Put a little donkey meat under your tongue i uh does anyone put a little donkey meat under your yeah does anyone feel that like no it's like chew it's like uh yeah yeah yeah chew tobacco

it's big league chew yeah mulio uh but i was also that was another um um, kind of eyeopening experience was mouth open with my dad, uh, being in Italy and getting drunk together. And one night we got real sauced and I was kind of, and I've been doing this more and more just kind of breaking down. Like, I know that I'm so familiar with this feeling of being drunk at the same time. It's suggested as a novelty. You're like, you know what? Maybe I'll get a buzz on it.

It's like, I've done it so many times. So I know it so well. I like a good beer buzz early in the morning. At the same time going like, oh, I've been, my brain and system has been so familiar with this experience. And I'm like 39. I was like, dad, as a seven-year-old man, what do you think about being drunk? Do you like it? And he couldn't really give me a straight answer.

Because he was so drunk. He was so drunk. But it's just one of those things where you, it's just been part of you. It's one of those things. It's in your life. And I'm like, okay, so I got another 30 something years.

And then I'm my dad who. You're wearing a kimono. Where are you? Retrace your stats. You're in a kimono on a tightrope. So let's just say I'm in Estonia. And the funny thing there is they treat snow differently. Well, they have a big rack of, it's not rain gear, but it's very similar.

And a sort of a schnapps a schliff of it that they have there I'd like to have regular visits from Emmett's dad

yeah on the show yeah I really Emmett's dad call in from time to time oh my best

impression is my dad and when I what's your second best um because for me it's the

governator hey get a get a get a grip oh boy that was pretty good that was pretty good do you know

well the governator's gone no wait wait wait whose hey get a grip did you know who it was no I have no idea wait is there somebody who says get a grip no I was wondering

what you were doing that's the governator oh listen listen listen up I made another one hey i made another one i made another one another terminating i'm another terminating one and you're i encourage you see it i was confused for a second i didn't know he was the governor i guess it was too real yeah it was too

real and it was too quick well it's because everyone does such like I don't get to the chopper. It's so over the top. Everyone's doing an impression of an impression. When you listen to him in an interview, guess what? I

am in a movie again. And you are allowed to see it. See, it's hitting the spot. His famous catchphrase And you are allowed to see it. See, it's hitting the spot. His famous catchphrase. You're allowed to see it. It's so funny because his English is not exactly perfect. He's been in America for so long.

He's like, um, give me a second. Let me think about that. But I think that you should go to the movie. I just made. Arnold. I did. I did see that newest terminator good bad oh it's bad bad yeah yeah they brought back linda hamilton and the first act is kind of cool yeah did i see something bad did you mean in general yeah i feel like I just saw something. Oh, yeah, Frozen 2. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad.

It's just... You're like, why? There's no story to it. No. Is there... Some great animators worked. The best in the business all worked on this movie. Oh, sure.

I don't know why they made it, though. Was there a big song in it that all the kids will be singing? Let it go, refrain. I guess it's Into the Unknown. Yeah, let it go refrain guess it's into the unknown into the unknown no let it snow some more um i haven't seen it but uh you know what it's bound to show up on an airplane somewhere get disney plus you'll see it in six months oh yeah no i think uh there's nothing for me there in that disney plus what you're a marvel head that's true i'm a big mar i'm a big web head i

like uh i like all the star wars stuff national geographic i guess is also on there they got free solo on there oh i do yeah yeah from han solo to free solo boy, boy. You could have made them a few bucks. Dave, what's going on with you? Guys, well, a couple weeks ago we had Chris Locke on the show and I had a hard out. I had to get out of the episode because I had to go to the dentist. Right. That was a lie. I was going to the periodontist.

And I've never been to a periodontist before. I don't even know what that is. I know what an orthodontist is. Okay. I know to a periodontist before do you know what that is i know what an orthodontist is okay i know what a periodontist was an orthodontist orthodontist does braces yeah yeah and surgery right orthodontist will an orthodontist do special surgery i mean they knock you out and fill you up yeah let. Stick some donkey under that tongue. Yeah. I believe it was a periodontist, to be honest. I don't remember. It was a gum doctor. Gum doctor.

Yeah. So he, like, figures out, you know. Are you gingivite-y? He's figuring out what kind of gum I would like. Like, am I a spearmint guy? Should I be blowing bubbles? Turns out you were a big league chew guy all along. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you knew that going in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's sort of like that twine you knew that going in. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's sort of like that twine you bale hay with. Binder twine. Or it's like, sorry, but you're a thrills guy. Oh, yes. What?

Yeah, the soapy stuff. The soapy thrills. No! No, a few months ago, my dentist was like, yeah, you should go to this gum guy. You got to see him. He's wild It's a six month wait Jesus I was like okay

And he'll tell you if you need any More work So I went in And Was there some precursor to like Him saying like yeah you're getting a lot of Receding gum here Yeah I mean you're assuming my dentist is a man, but no.

Oh, you know what? That was wrong. Yeah, it's true. My dentist? My dentist is a man, so I'm just thinking. No, I didn't even know my dentist. My dentist is a baby. Oh, really?

Yeah. Weird. Yeah. But you know what? Makes sense. Small hands get in that mouth, really. Small hands make small work. Yep.

Okay, so I went to to the there was just a little bit of like on my last visit oh you should your gums are receding a little bit they i don't know where like i assumed it was uh here where my gums feel the spongiest right under at the bottom there uh but uh so the dentist the when i went into the appointment the periodontist was like and have you been noticing any the periodontist was like, and have you been noticing any receding? And I was like, no, I don't even know where. I mean, I comb some of my gums over, but it's not.

Just to cover it, but it doesn't bother me. Yeah, and I've been dyeing my gums also, just to look a little younger. Oh, just bald spots in your gums yeah well uh so the dentist the periodontist has a uh an assistant there who's at a computer and then the periodontist takes a hook device yeah yeah a little scrapey a little scrapey but and just pokes it in between the pen took a bick yeah uh and just pokes like your gums they must have a system of numbering which tooth is which because they are a machine once he goes in he's like okay three two oh yeah three three three four oh-0. He's just giving you his phone number. Drop this down. It's all three, like from zero to five, going along the inside of your teeth on the bottom, the outside of your teeth on the bottom,

inside on the top, outside on the top, maybe even a third thing. Okay. And then at the end, he launches into this speech, which you could tell he's given the speech a thousand times. Here's some Crest gum detox. It looks like you need some surgery here. So what we're going to do is a skin graft.

And you do. What, he says this constantly? Yes. Because everyone needs skin grafts? I guess this is just the typical, like, maybe they do 10 types of surgery and this is the most popular. I don't know. So we're going to cut a flag of skin from the roof of your mouth. It will be the Australian flag.

And we will, before we do that, we will go and we'll take an impression of your mouth because we need to make a protector for the two weeks after we do the surgery. We're going to make this plastic protector that you wear in your mouth after the surgery. We cut this strip of skin off the roof of your mouth and we attach it to these two teeth at the side there. He's saying all this just nonchalantly. Yes. Yeah. While checking his phone. On autopilot.

all this just nonchalantly yes yeah like while checking his phone on autopilot and he says um and the reason we do this is uh because if with your own with your own gums it it'll be it'll definitely be a match a tissue match and uh but you used to use chimp gums i don't know donkey gum yeah corpse gums oh boy, boy. Oh, boy. All of a sudden, you just start speaking with a French accent. What? I don't know what happened. And the color will match. I guess if you had other people's gums the color, you'd have less fuzz. Oh, no.

But it is better that he's bored by this than being like, this is very exciting for me. Everything you just listed off, it sounds like your life's over. Like, this is it. And so... We'll dig out a plot, and we'll just put you in there, cover you up, because all this sounds like the worst.

We will be putting stitches in both sides, and two stitches on the top and you'll be wearing this protective thing for two weeks and during that time no solid food no

how many visits is this in terms of like getting your roof cut out and then well they said do you want to do it over then they incubate it and then clone it and then let it gestate before so it sounds like the flag it was what they do

so we take that we take it to our crisper gene we grow that into the better you that has proper gums yeah and we kill you

yeah and then you go the new the old the gum you the gum you goes back and takes care of the kids now the problem

with the gum you is he's only gums he has gum skin all over his body he looks just gum you is he's only gums. He has gum skin all over his body. He looks just like you but he's all gums. Yeah, he's got to walk through a car wash a few times a day to stay. Like shiny in vitiligo.

You know, the kids will get used to it. Have you ever seen Body Worlds? It's kind of like that. And so he gives me this speech no solid food no exercise and i'm like this i could get used to but we want you to be eating a lot like so you're gonna be making chili and blending it up we need you to have that calorie intake so you can heal where is your heart at this point and like is it like is it sinking no i'm really i'm i like a uh

it's you like a chili cook it's like a chili cooker. I like, like it's a week. Right. I thought you said, but you still have to have that thing in your face for two weeks and you're eating corn slurry for, but I can do that.

Yeah. Like, but I also get ice cream. I guess, I guess it's just that there was the, it's out of nowhere. It's like, Oh,

I guess you better just go see this. Yeah. Rather than like, Oh, I've been having this problem.'s like don't worry we're gonna get you fixed it's gonna be a little bit of work like uh we invented this problem for you and now yeah now it's six months to see this guy so so he goes through all of it and uh then he sends me to the other room with the the woman who's booking it and she's like okay do you want to do this in one session or two and i was like i guess one yeah like i don't want to have to come back and then you have to go back later they're not dissolving stitches so you have to go back later do they push you under to no they

in fact they they give you cocaine to make you more aware yeah we give you ecstasy so you can feel it they give you a uh a shot but like yeah They numb you well in advance. Yeah, okay. But just being awake while they... While they chop out... Slice out a flag. It's a lot of blood. They say it's a lot of blood.

Sounds like a lot of blood. And then so they... Yeah, so I book it. She's like, and do you have dental insurance? No, ma'am, I do not. Okay, well, this is a $3,500 procedure oh boy but

it's still another six months oh wow so we recommend you do it on a day when you can take the next day off and

until then brush your teeth with just a damp cloth lukewarm damp cloth pad just tamp down on your area.

So we recommend a Thursday so most people could take the Friday off and then they're, they're feeling well enough to go back to work on the Monday. Right.

So we recommend you ruin your weekend is what we're, yeah, darn toot. So yes, I have booked six months from now

a horrific gum thing I can't afford. Wow. And it's got to be done, hey? Like it's basically. I mean, it'll just get worse. Yeah. And more expensive. Yeah, yeah.

My dad had to do a thing where they, because he had like one of his front teeth was like at the end of its road. So they like took a part of that tooth and grew a new tooth. And like, that's what I was talking about. That's going to be your new dad. Yeah. They like grew a brand new tooth and it took like, you know,

the better part of a year or something to grow this tooth. And then they just put the tooth, they like screw it in and that's your new tooth. So they can do that kind of weird stuff. Well, they grow ears on on mice yeah and they've grown like penises on people's arms no this is i kid you not like there's definitely drawn penises on people people who are asleep no but there's like science like there's there's

scientists who know how to but like noses have been grown on people's oh and I think like private parts and stuff close to their private parts but I like that you were indicating that they grew a nose

right next to the armpits and then the nose would be like come on yeah no and that guy who had a penis on his arm

he got his bladder put in his shoulder. Oh, man. Yeah. That's totally the kind of conversation I would have with someone as a six-year-old. This is... Didn't you hear? I like to tell the story of my tattoos. This up here is,

this eagle represents America. This is not a tattoo. This is a human penis growing on my arm. It's being used to, for what purpose? It's going to be bait for a shark. My dog loves dicks it's the only thing

you'll eat yeah it's well it's there's these farmer's daughters that have been causing me a lot

of trouble so yeah that's horrifying that is I mean and Gramey you're right in saying like it's better that he was kind of blah

about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rather than going, and then we're going to, oh God. Or just like, if he's so excited, like, I'm the first guy in North America to have done this. Like, you've got the weird gum. No, you can tell it's like a, like an assembly line. Yeah.

Like you'll be, all right right you go in there you get your mouth impression made then i think they maybe numb you first and then they do the mouth impressions that way that numb really it really sets in yeah had both the epitheliums removed from my eyeballs now what that's like the the layer of like cleared almost skin on your eyeball and they like scrape it off so they could

inject this riboflavin collagen solution and cook it under UV light so it would stop my uh corneas from deteriorating because I had a

condition called keratoconus so yeah you can't be asleep for that or were you no you should go on

uh Kevin and Alicia's podcast yeah but it's I'm gonna talk about is it done Yeah. You can't be asleep for that, or were you? No. You should go on Kevin and Alicia's podcast. Yeah. Talk about it. But it's... I'm going to talk about it there. Is it done?

Is it finished? Yeah, it's finished. Let's talk about it there. Yeah. Because then when they put the pressure on your head, it's like, oh, yeah.

It's even veins. Yeah. It's that way. Awful. What's up with you? Anyway, if anyone wants to give

like a $3,500 donation or anyone in the audience is like, oh, what's up with you anyway if anyone wants to give a $3,500 donation or anyone in the audience is like oh I'm a periodontist I can do it for you yeah you can just come down to Arizona if anyone's got a flag of skin you just want to ship them a bill I mean just send me a picture I want to make sure it matches

like that feels like the worst part is them removing that the graft on the sides is gonna be easy breezy compared to the flag the flag of skin yeah um um well what's been going on with me is twice in the past week i've accidentally ended up being the only diner in a restaurant. I didn't go in the restaurant looking to be the only diner. This is something we talked about before, about Amit traveling alone and having solo experience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was like last night, I went to a poutine place. But there were people in there. Give them a shout out. I'm not sure what it was called. Okay. I think maybe it was called Fritz's. It's not Belgian fries up there.

Commercial? Commercial, yeah. What's that called? Belgian fries? Thanks, Eric. Maybe Fritz's as well, though. Yeah. Anyways, it was, I went in, there were people in there when I went in,

and then I was just you know watching the hockey game and eating poutine and then I realized like and it was like

two hours before they were closing I was the only guy in the restaurant and I the woman I only realized when she came up

and said so we're we're gonna do last call early tonight and I was like yeah sure I'm fine and then I looked around I was like, yeah, sure. I'm a,

I'm fine. And then I looked around and I was like, ah, they're putting chairs up on tables. They're singing their mop song. When the mopping time, you know what you said? I'm glad you asked me.

Cause I have a few more things I want to order. I'd like a pitcher of your finest of need yeah and also a second poutine yes

um so there was that and then the a couple nights before I was eating at a restaurant and there were other people

and they filtered out and then somebody sat down and started playing the piano and I was like oh it's time to started playing the piano. And I was like, Oh, it's time to leave. It's time to leave.

One guy over there. It's time to leave. Get the fuck out. I'm the piano man. I was very much like, I do not need, uh, I don't need to be entertained.

I'm fine here over here in the corner by myself. Uh, and, and so it was fine. It was some ambient piano music. But then she started singing. And I was like. And you were the only person there?

I was the only person there. Well, then you have to stay. So I was like making eye contact with her while she was singing. And I was like, do I have to? What do I have to do? What's the, like, you tip, I guess i have to do what's the like you tip i guess and you clap at the end of a song i didn't clap i i was like i'm not going to establish that this is a normal thing that this is happening because if you leave she has driven out 100 of the she's

walked the room yeah yeah so i felt bad bad, but I felt worse for me. How many numbers did you stay for? I stayed until I was finished with my food. Two sets. Yeah. What kind of stuff did she sing? You know, the first song that she sang was Danny Boy. And I was like, well, this is a funeral song.

This is a song for funerals or wakes at the very least. So that was very sad oh Danny boy oh Danny boy I don't know what's the name of that song and it's on the music video

the young woman's playing piano on the back of a truck it's do do do do do oh a thousand miles or a million miles yeah

Vanessa Carlton yeah she was she was Vanessa Carlton did she play that song and then just backed out of the restaurant.

Making eye contact with you. Well, there was nobody else to make eye contact with. And she didn't do the courtesy of wearing sunglasses. And so, yeah. So at the end, I just, I just left. I paid my bill and left and said, thank you on the way out. Thank you. you're wonderful. Yeah.

Huh? While she's still singing? I waited until she was finished her number and then I said thanks and I walked out. You don't have to play anymore. Yeah, yeah. You're done for the night. Hey. Was this, were you the last customer or was this late at night?

No, it wasn't late at night. It was just like, I think restaurants, unless they're really busy, are now just for like Grubhub or, you know, like I feel like that's all the restaurants are doing now. There was a steady stream of people picking up for food to go or whatever. I think about this. If you were in Sicily and you were the last person and it was like, and it was incredible because I I looked around and I'm the last person in the restaurant the governor and I'm and I'm finishing that's not the governor the governor like and then I finished my spaghetti and all of a sudden music comes out of nowhere I look around there's two musicians just playing for me. It was incredible. It was so romantic. So passionate. So passionate.

So horny. Whereas you're just a little bit like switch of context is like yeah really uncomfortable really awkward just being in this. And it was like

it would have been fine if it was just somebody noodling around on a piano like people do when they're like cleaning up playing with their knuckles. But the singing was like,

I will always love you guy right there. This look, making eye contact with me, making my way downtown, eating lunch, watching Graham finish. I looked at the credit card statement. Your name is Graham.

Do you want dessert? How are we thinking about dessert? We got a tiramisu. How are the first few bites? And now I wonder. How are the first few bites? What are your favorite waitress and waiter catchphrases? How are the first few bites?

Can I tempt anyone? Oh, yeah. What's going on after this? That's a big one. Here's a weird one. It's like everyone's been told to say. Do you think Jeffrey epstein killed himself uh have a good one yeah and it's a little strange because there would be like if you go to like an

asian restaurant and it'll be their second language and they will say it as if it's character oh no no i'm not gonna do a voice but it just to just this kind of colloquial like have a good one like have a good one what yeah

but just like orgasm have a good one have a good one is that what you say to the waitress have a good one what have a good one

what do you mean have a good one you don't even know the language right but it's the equivalent of saying it's the equivalent

of saying peace out Emmett's not gonna Emmett going to lose his SNL audition. Oh, yeah. You know what? I should backtrack here. Emmett had some pretty offensive things to say about the architecture in Chinatown. There was a...

I like... What else are you doing always kind of stumps me because it's a thing where you then want to ask but you know they they're waiting tables they're waiting tables and also the pressure to be like well so how are you living your life after this what yeah what do you what do you plan for this you're gonna go home and stare at the wall yeah this was it yeah this was the big thing i was going out for dinner. It's a first date, and I don't think

we're going to have sex. You know, I might go have a good one. Might go have a good one. Yeah, might go have a good one. By which I mean a round of Frisbee golf. The other thing is

no worries, too. Oh, no worries. Yeah. Why is that putting you out? No worries. But no worries is after a thank you, right? Well, if I, yeah, if you, they're like, oh, uh, they bring you, bring you your water and you say, oh, thanks.

They go, no worries. I'm like, yeah. It wasn't, I assume it wasn't a problem. Yeah. The no problem has taken over. People have a problem with people saying no problem because you're supposed to say you're welcome. Right.

What did someone say to me today? It was like, I lost can't but it was you lost it on them i lost it on them i was like the champ there was uh i remember the first time that i went and like ate at a diner in the states and i said thank you and somebody said uh-huh and I had never heard that before and I was like huh that's a new that's a new twist is there a British one if you say thank you absolutely no problem whatsoever there it is

Brexit Brexit Brexitude yeah so that's what's going on with me I ate at two Brexit. Brexit dude. Yeah, so that's what's going on with me. I ate at two restaurants where I was the only customer. And boy, did I feel it. Both of us.

Boy, did my arms hurt. Your indirect didn't go through. The tap is broken on this machine and now i wonder you flooded the toilet and you're still here that's worse to do in an empty restaurant than a full restaurant uh excuse me i i think i flooded the toilet we all know who you are. Do we want to move on to some overheard? Sure. Hey,

if you like your podcast to be focused and well-researched and your podcast host to be uncharismatic, unhorny strangers who have no interest in horses, then this is not the podcast for you. Yeah. And what's your deal? I'm Emily. I'm Lisa. Our show's called Baby Geniuses. And its hosts are horny adult idiots.

We discover weird Wikipedia pages every episode. We discuss institutional misogyny. We ask each other the dumbest questions, and our listeners won't stop sending us pictures of their butts. We haven't asked them to stop, but they also aren't stopping. Join us on Baby Geniuses every other week on MaximumFun.org.

I've got a message for you. Hi, it's me, April Wolfe, the host of Switchblade Sisters and co-writer of the new horror film Black Christmas. And I'm Katie Walsh, film critic and occasional host of Switchblade Sisters. We're here to announce that for one episode, we will be doing something a little different. Much like Jeff Goldblum and David Cronenberg's The Fly, I will be going through a truly disturbing transformation. April will transform from the interviewer into the interviewee. I will be asking her all about her new film, Black Christmas,

her writing process, and ongoing existential dread. But I will also be discussing John Carpenter's perfect masterpiece, Prince of Darkness. You guys seen any movies you like? So tune in to Switchblade Sisters for a one-of-a-kind episode with April Wolf and me, Katie Walsh. See you then. Only the corrupt are listened to now. Overheard.

Overheard. Segment where we hear things out there in the world, and you share them here on the podcast, and that's the whole deal. That's it. Soup to nuts. Emmett, we always like to start with the guest. Yeah, I guess, I think I got this one

a few days after my last record with you guys. So I've been sitting on it for a while. Good vintage. Hopefully it holds up. It's the 2018. Yeah. So this isn't overseen. I hope that's okay.

Is the Terminator here? Is this the Governator? Yeah. So there's a policy I want to try if we might pass a bill on this one. Okay, can I come back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So on the bus and passing by a Starbucks, and there was a fellow, young fellow sitting outside the Starbucks with his coffee and sitting down at a little table. And this guy, if I recall properly, he, I'll go from toes to head.

Hiking shoes. Yeah. Camo pants. Yeah. Black t-shirt. Pentagram pendant. Yeah. Red.

Like he had red hair. He was a ginger fellow. Red goatee. Yeah. Red ponytail. Here we go. John Lennon glasses. Yes.

Bowler hat. And he was looking at a pamphlet for continuing education studies at Langara College. Look, it doesn't matter what you look like, you can have a lifelong love of learning. That's true, yeah. If he wants to be a radiologist or something like that? Or like if he wants to open up his own like, you know, like saw,

like some sort of saw trap, you know? You gotta learn the tools of the trade. Yeah, that's right. Learn how to lease a building. Yeah, learn how to properly lease a building. That's right. Get up business owners. I mean, yeah.

Get contractors that know how to keep a secret. Anytime I've signed a lease, they've said, did you take a course on how to lease a building? And the weird thing was the most, the thing that didn't work the most was like the hiking shoes. It was like Pentagram, bowler hat hat red goatee john lennon glasses that may have been tinted if i can remember yeah but you're like probably he's a vampire and that's fine yeah like everything about his outfit is just a vampire outfit except vampire hiking no no i mean with the the hiking boots being like the one thing that yeah yeah didn't work yeah yeah i think we all agree yeah we agree. It was the hiking boots that need to go.

What not to wear. Vampire edition. Dave, do you have it over? I do. I was watching. Hiking boo. Hiking boo. That is what I say.

Okay. That's the host of the show. Yeah. He's a vampire. This is, mine is from, I was. Okay. That's the host of the show. Yeah. He's a vampire. This is, mine is from, I was watching Twitch. Oh yeah,

watching the stream. I was watching someone stream on Twitch. Yep. Yeah. This was for research. I'm going to be a Twitch streamer. Oh,

cool. And they were playing their game and they were talking to someone in the chat or something. And the person was bad mouthing the Irishman. Okay. This new, new, new, uh, movie, the Irishman.

And, uh, the guy, the streamer was like defending it or defending the Irishman. Isn't it the Irishman? The Irishman. Okay. Oh Danny boy. The person was defending Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro and everyone who made the movie. But he didn't like

he didn't have a strong I feel like it's the kind of thing where he's hosting a show and he feels like he has to have a strong take on something. Right. He doesn't really, he's not an expert in it. And so the person was like, oh, no, it's, those actors are just hacks now.

And the streamer was like, what are you talking about? They're legendary. Robert De Niro has done legendary videos. That's true. And I like and subscribe every time I see one of his videos. That's true. And I like and subscribe every time I see one of his videos. Robert De Niro's...

No, he means like video cassettes. No, he means his unboxing videos that he did. Yeah, he did the cinnamon challenge. Robert De Niro's face

looks like he's doing the cinnamon challenge at all times. He flosses. He does everything. He's the original backpack kid. Yeah. I also feel

like we have a bit of that, you know, we're hosting a show and feel like we have to have a take. Sure. Like, I don't fucking care about his vacation. I do. I don't either. And you were on it you lived it um my uh over here i just say that yes someone who's thinking about being a twitch streamer uh-huh those are called twitch dreamers yeah that's good that is good i don't know i just kind of came up with that i just thought

i thought it sounded nice you know what what? It's fun and functional. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I was on the bus next to- Vampire of ship.

Is that what you look like? You were on the bus? Yeah. Next to two women who had just gone grocery shopping. And we passed by a store that doesn't have any containers called Nada. Oh, yeah, I know it. So they were talking about the wonders of Nada. And then they drifted into talking about a store, I guess,

where you can get soap, but you've got to bring your own container. And one girl was complaining. She's like, they do have a bin of containers, but they're all really weird containers. And the girl goes like, what do you mean weird? I don't know, like just an empty kombucha bottle without a lid. I mean mean that would Yeah.

That would be weird. Yeah. Fill this up with soap but not too full. It's exactly what you'd expect to find at a containerless soap store.

Yeah. If you're stuck yeah getting using kombucha bottles like container shaming. If you didn't bring your own container then you have to take

one of these embarrassing ones from the bucket. And the mother still lives in there. Is kombucha a thing you drink? No. You?

I'm probably going to have to now that I'm booze-less. Abby drinks it. Likes it? Huh. Yeah. I guess she claims to. Okay. Okay.

Here's the thing is, I don't know if you guys have gone sober for she must like it she bought it more than once yeah but i'm gonna i can't drink pop i can't drink soda pop yeah you just like and juice is for alcohol is like a substitute just for like a fun thing to have and then i start thinking about like well i guess like m&ms now but i can't do that yeah you can eat em and i can't but you don't but but you don't. But like, you can't walk around at a party. I'm not going to eat a mickey of M&M's. Don't eat a mickey of M&M's. You're not going to eat

M&M's every night until you pass out. Just wake up. What did I do last night? Just shells all over the bed. Don't tell you when I snuck in these M&M's into the movie theater. This guy's been shelling his own M&Ms. Yeah, what is a substitute?

I mean, soda water. Soda water. Everybody drinks so much soda water now. I know. You want something with a little flavor? Yeah, La Croix. At night, in the winter, soda water, you have to have cold. I don't want to cold drink it.

No, you heat it up in the winter yeah mulling yeah hot mull some soda water like i'll have a dirty soda water which is like just a little bit of olive juice in it yeah i think you could maybe get into dips yeah yeah. Just be like a real big dip guy. And you're like, the carrot gets in the way. I just go straight with a finger. I just put it in this kombucha bottle I got at the soap store. That's a special dip dowel

I used. We also have overheard sent in by people. You got it. Dip dip down and then well you gotta there we thank you yep i was hoping um what is that uh who is that the zoot suit who did who had which hits i think that was maybe the brianzer Orchestra. You think they did Jump, Jive, and Wail. I mean, they're all old songs. Although, was Zoot Suit Riot a new song? Mm-hmm. And that was Big Bad Voodoo Daddy or J. Poppin' Daddies?

I just remember Squirrel Nut Zippers. That's the only one I... Yeah. That's not them, right? No. No, they were... Is Brian Setzer the Martini Time? No, that's the Preacher.

Reverend Horton. The Preacher. The Preacher. Reverend Horton. The preacher. The preacher. Reverend Horton. The preacher. We also have overheard sent in from people all over the map. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Bradley C.

Bradley Cooper? Yeah, Bradley C. Bradley Cooper? Yeah, Bradley Cooper. He was on a flight. Noticed a very cozy and slightly rowdy row of people, maybe in their 60s, sitting in front of me. I caught these snippets. At one point, the guy says, I'm at that age where I want two women, so I have someone to talk to when the other falls asleep. That's nice. That's fun.

That's an older person problem where you fall asleep while somebody's talking to you? Maybe that could be your substitute to alcohol, just talking. We went each one a different way with that yeah yeah just be in the other room when a guy finishes up with his uh his woman and he just comes and talks to me okay here you fall asleep i'm gonna talk to that guy uh this is the i will just read the uh first paragraph of the big bad voodoo daddy and then i'll probably do the cherry poppy popping daddy's wikipedia big bad voodoo daddy is a contemporary swing revival band from Southern California. Their notable singles include Go Daddy O, You and Me and the Bottle Makes Three Tonight,

Apostrophe Baby, or Parentheses Baby, and Mr. Pinstripe Suit. The band played at the Super Bowl 33 halftime show in 1999. Wow. Who else played that halftime show? I'm guessing Cherry Pop and Daddy's. It was probably the swing year. There was a swing? I'm guessing.

Halftime show? I'm just speculating at this point. Cherry Pop and Daddy's are an American swing and ska band from Eugene, Oregon. Formed by singer-songwriter Steve Perry from Journey. What? No, this doesn't... I want this to show me... They did Zoo Zoo Riot.

Who cares? Okay, I'm done. Okay. That was a trip down memory lane. I only put two in this email, so we're going to make this snappy. This is Joe M. from Phoenix. I saw a sporty car pulling to the curb on a busy New York City street with a wheel wobbling like crazy. Two guys get out to inspect it.

One says to the other, see, there's your problem. I forgot to put the lug nuts on. See, there's your problem. Me, as your a friend a dumb idiot was in charge oh yeah I see the problem yeah

I see this all the time yeah yeah yeah oh yeah this pocket full of lug nuts I got it was my first clue well that's only two

overheards that have been written in but the third overheard is all we got to hear about those uh, that's only two, uh, overheards that have been written in, but, uh, the third overheard is all we got to hear about those swing bands. That's right. From 20 years ago. I, uh, like watching something, I was thinking I was watching old gap commercials and I saw the old swing one.

Yep. And, uh, they were driving well. That was great. Yeah. Made me, made me think about getting khakis all these years later yeah yeah they did i think the same khaki campaign it was that was like that was gap commercials were huge and it was a white background yeah with uh people dancing white people usually yeah i just remember the no it's not white people it was the lenny Kravitz one where he flat-ironed his hair and sang American Woman while Sarah Jessica Parker danced around him.

What was it? Sarah Jessica Parker? Wait a minute. That can't be. Yeah, it was a Gap ad, and I think it was in tandem with the same music video. But Sarah Jessica Parker, Heather Graham's in the music video. But in the Gap commercial. In the Gap universe.

Sarah Jessica Parker. Did we get a confirmation on that? The one I remember was when they did the When You're Crazy. Crazy. Cool. I remember Madonna and Missy Elliott

fall into the gap Yeah it was gap Lenny Kravitz with Sarah Jessica Parker Wow Good recall Yours went farther back Khakis and zoot suits Yeah well we all remember the khakis

That's when we all fell in love with And he did have flat iron hair you're right Yeah it looks really weird In addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spy pod one like these people have I remember this Oh I do remember this Oh it's not American Woman

It does have Flatiron in it I know It's like he was like Give me the Rachel Stupid Lady? She's a stupid lady No a super lady

No no Stupid It's a good commercial. No, a super lady. No, no. We heard stupid. It's a good commercial. They never sold those bell bottoms with the gas. Lenny Krabs is like, this is great, but I would never wear these. Clothes. Lady!

Oh, and he's doing the thing where he drops down and his penis falls out of his pants. Yeah, yeah. Those were the first pants with penis fall technology. This is a one-minute commercial we sat through. Good for us. All right. Hey, Dave and Graham. It's Ava calling from San Francisco, and I'm just walking in the financial district and I saw two

super normal looking, maybe even nerdy looking middle aged people walking towards me and as they crossed by they said, yeah, Dave and I have been thinking about getting a sex doll for some time now. Well, off I go.

Someone to talk to when you fall asleep. It's tough to afford. They're expensive. Those articulated sex dolls, they're not your blow-up ones from your college days. These are works of art. Was it on

Netflix, that movie about the guy who wanted to make a sex doll? The documentary? Did I dream that? No, you watched it. I watched one about... No, no, no, you're thinking of Tucker. The man who wanted to make a truck? Yeah, with Jeff Bridges, Chevrolet.

Ford versus Ferrari versus a sex doll. That was a competition. Who could make the better sex doll? Oh, one of them's fucking a sex doll on the track. Christian Bale's fucking a sex doll. No, you can't be the Italian sex doll. No, he's a Ferrari sex doll. We're going to make an American sex doll.

You're telling me you can make a better sex doll? In how many weeks? You're crazy. I'm telling you. Oh, I've got the erection for it, but you can't make it. This is a great movie. Yeah, Ford and Ferrari, the sex doll one. I was going to say, we watched that movie about the guy who made the sex doll and how weird it was.

I bet they've come a long way since then. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like five years ago. AutoSquared technology. Hi David Graham, this is Trimsta in Los Angeles. I was on a flight over the weekend from LA to San Francisco and when we landed, the woman sitting next to me pulled out her cell phone and called someone and I heard her say

yeah I just wanted to let you know we landed and then she went calm down and hung up the phone oh you landed oh praise Jesus my dream was wrong. Yeah, it's... You can just text.

Yeah, it's funny how fast, how long people stay on their phones now before the plane takes off. Because it used to be like people wouldn't even talk on a phone as soon as they got on a plane. And now it's like right as like having to be told no tape turning off yeah i put i don't put mine on airplane mode until we're in the sky yeah well you still get extra minutes yeah no that the the the oh god this water's hitting me guys the television is the new phone on this. No, it's like my phone gets to rest.

And now this television is my phone and what, and as limited as it is, this is what's going to be. Yeah. Entertainment. This is what's going to. And if it has to be X-Men, dark Phoenix,

then so be it. It is very much a movie that you would watch on a plane. It should just go direct to plane. Yeah, I saw. It's going to be the first direct to plane movie. It should have been Sully. No, Graham. Everything worked out fine.

I watched The Mule on a plane a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That's good. Yeah? Let me give you a little, stick some on your tongue and have it make interactive. Yeah.

Yeah, but, but a little bit of Clint Eastwood's elbow skin on my tongue. Gross. It's the stuff. Here's your final one.

Hiya. Hi. Hi. Um, this is an over said to me

slash kids and the darndest. So when my kid was like, oh, this is Francesca from Philly. When my kid was like five, maybe we're going clothes shopping together and she's kind of compulsively honest. and she's kind of compulsively honest. And we'll give this like pained look when you ask her a question that she's worried the honest answer will hurt your feelings. So anyway, we're going clothes shopping together and I'm trying on this romper

that I'm like really trying to make happen, but I have a feeling it's just not happening. And so I was like, how does it look? And she gets a little bit of the look and she's like, it makes you look fat. And I was like, okay. Thanks for being honest. Where do you think it makes me look fat?

And she got really tense for a second and goes, where it's on you? The easy problem right there. You're wearing it. There should be a term for when you try something on and you intuitively know it's not working

but you still hope that maybe it works. There's like a German word for that. Yeah, there should be. This romper I was trying to make work. Well, I could stop you right there. Listen to yourself. But, you know, there are times you've tried something on and you're like, I want this to be the new me.

But I would have to change about 500 years of European history to make it happen. There's so many, there's been many new me's sitting in the back of my closet. Yeah. Yeah. That you wore for a day and then got like a weird look and then you were like,

well, and they just buy the costumes. Yeah. It's like, this is gonna be a used hundreds of dollars for a sketch comedy bit. Well, that brings us to the end of the program. Emmett, do you have anything online, anything you want to plug? Well, no, not exactly.

Not exactly? What is that supposed to well i highly encourage uh i work for a game company called clay entertainment and i've been handling all the don't starve music duties don't starve is the video games that they're known for so if you're a fan of that all the uh promotional shorts and animated shorts and music for the new game. I've been doing so by that. Nice. I've been helping a bit with it. Yeah. Check out.

C major. Any of the global action team stuff by Clay Entertainment. I've been doing all the music and. He's been doing most of the music. I've been doing some of it. And then. My music project Revered. We put out our second album back in the summer.

You can find that on Spotify and iTunes. It, Revered, we put out our second album back in the summer. You can find that on Spotify and iTunes. It's Revered, and I think the new album will be called what it's called. And that's with some amusement. You can check that out. That was an odd sentence. The new album will be called what it's called. Because I said I think it's called, but I know it's what it's called. Anyway, every once in a while, I'll get on stage and do some comedy i don't have anything upcoming okay um but that's projects

you know projects sure yeah i might come check out some of that uh well what you got to plug for this well i will yeah i'm gonna come check out and sit and watch some of that show graham's doing his 24 hour at the time of this recording, Graham has not yet done his 24 hour. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll have a little piece of paper and I'll write something for you to talk about. Yeah. That's how it works?

That's the idea. Okay. Let's give them something to talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little mystery. I'm just going to write down love. Yeah, a mystery to figure out. Let's give them something to talk about.

Bunny Raitt? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Why are you still eating thisitt? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Why are you still eating this restaurant all by yourself

yourself yourself alone Yeah. That's what I want to plug is Bunny Raitt. Bunny Raitt. She's got that shock

of white hair. Shock of white hair. She's great. She's sassy. She's got a great back catalog. She had a song about having sex with

Brian Adams oh she did? yeah rock steady hey Brian Brian I like you yeah it was a

British number um uh thanks everybody out there for listening if you like the show please tell

your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. What a terrible time to talk. But you guys don't have anything to... Christmas. Sorry, do it again. No. I interrupted.

God damn it. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.