Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 614 - Aaron Read

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Improviser and comedian Aaron Read returns to talk attractive mannequins, Succession, and The Masked Singer. Plus, our annual Secret Santa gift exchange.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 614 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who wishes he was going on a Hawaiian vacation, making this a real blue Christmas? No, what's the Hawaiian Christmas song? Malakalikimaka? That's the one. Mr. Dave Shumka. I don't wish that.

No? No, I like a cozy Christmas. Yeah. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No. I went when I was 10. And so I, yeah, you know, I'm not Mr. Hawaii. Yeah, that's true.

But you're always going to be Mr. Hawaiian Tropic to me. I know. Well, I'm the greasiest. I rub myself up with all the greasiest oils.'s miss hawaiian tropic a bikini contest well certainly that would be a factor in it if it's not all bikini then it's not a suntan contest is it no like who's the most tan yeah yeah tan mom would a tan mom oh yeah tan mom you have to show your tan lines? I don't know. I don't know enough about it. Maybe to the judges. It's a terrible organization.

It seems like it's a terrible thing. My guess is that Miss Hawaiian Tropic is a terrible thing. Now, is Hawaiian Tropic a sunscreen or a sun... I think it's a sun oil. Yeah. Like a sun facilitating oil. Yeah. Like a very coconutty...

Yeah. ...guy. Like, I feel like it's something that splashes around a oil? Yeah. Like a very coconutty guy. Like I feel like it's something that splashes around a lot. Yeah. You don't, when it comes out, it's not, you don't rub it together and cream your dance. When it comes out, what do you cream? I, well, you know, usually my jeans. Somebody introduced me to the phrase steam their jeans.

Oh, is that like a feminine thing? No, but like just a similar, it's the same phrase, but instead of creaming, it's steaming. But as someone who regularly creams? No, who regularly, like I won't wear jeans between May and October because they get too steamy. Maybe steam is right before cream. Oh, it's like a stage. Yeah. Steam before cream.

But like, I've steamed many jeans. You're still clean. You're in the clear. Oh, yeah, yeah. Steam before cream. What a dream. Cream before steam. You need to get new seams. Cream before steam You need to get new seams

That voice you hear is our guest today A returning guest to the podcast He's an improviser He's a member of the Sunday Service Which performs each and every Sunday at the Fox Cabaret He's also a stand-up comedian And an artist Yeah

And a musician Not anymore I'd say not anymore You still jam out You got music in your bones an artist. Yeah. And a musician. Not anymore. I'd say not anymore. You still jam out. You got music in your bones. Speaking of which, there it is. That was Aaron's bones. Don't mention my bones.

I got a new phone and my old phone just, uh, the alarm went off at 1247. Hmm. Weird. That song sounded like a Christmas 1940s cartoon song. Yeah. It's a song by Dirty Projectors and David Byrne. Oh, cool.

Ooh. Well, I just insulted some bands. No, no. I think that's what they were going for. They were going for like a fun Christmas-y vibe. And that's why I picked that little bit of it. Hey, when you rang my doorbell, did it do a Christmas song?

Graham opened the door before I could even walk up. What was it when you did? Joy to the World. Joy to the World. Whoa! Joy to the World. You can change it to any song. You have an app for it but I never hear it because I don't ring my doorbell. Why not? Maybe I should. Yeah. The kids like to.

Have we gotten to know us? No. Get to know us. No. Hi, Aaron. Hey. Thanks for coming and joining us here on our very Christmassy Christmas episode. We say holiday episode to be inclusive. Yeah, and we're declaring

war on Christmas. Yeah. Yes, thank you Do you say I'm cool with all of it Give me Merry Christmas fine Give me Happy Holidays Yeah whatever you wish me a Happy Hanukkah I'm all aboard

I can't get on board with season's greetings Oh yeah I tend to just Skip the whole thing and if somebody says anything to me i just go uh-huh or you too and that's uh that's my season's greetings unto you you say uh-huh like an american waitress yeah returning a thank you i think i say happy holidays except for on christ, I go out in my pajamas with pots and pans and I cry Merry Christmas to the whole neighborhood.

Aaron's at it again. On Christmas Day, I find a boy. I say, what day is it, boy? You there, boy. You there, boy. And he's like, who you calling boy? Yeah.

And then you get into a whole argument. I have a name. Yeah. You do this every year. Yes. And you've been doing it since I was a boy. I'm now a man. And I'm your caretaker.

Is there anything in your family that's a like a a go-to tradition holiday tradition um we uh we open stockings together okay yeah yeah yeah that's a that's like a simple and easy one yeah yeah yeah there's nothing like uh i don't know, like I've heard, you know, some families like you have to go around the circle and say what they're thankful for or something like that. Right. No, not like that. I guess the only other thing is a joke that my dad does and my mom,

which is from a stocking. So if I get like a pepper grinder, I'll be like, oh, thank you for the pepper grinder. I needed one of these. Thank you very much. And they'll be like, don't thank me. Thank Santa. That's fun.

That's fun. That's fun. I like that. Santa's making toys and one pepper grinder. Well, there's got to be a, you know, like a little boy or girl out there. Yeah. That saw it at a wait at a restaurant. And was like, you can have whatever you want.

That. Yeah. I don't at a restaurant. I was like, you can have whatever you want. That. Yeah. I don't know about that. Margot's Christmas list this year, like in the past, she's had specific toys that she wants. This year, it's very broad, like little tin horns and little toy drums. Yeah, rooty toot toots and a runny tun tun. She wants like a baby doll doll not a specific baby doll just like she also has six of them already yeah she wants but she wants to throw one out yeah she

wants to bring in a new and then and then she wrote because she's learning to write yeah so she wrote them all down and then when i asked her what she wants she said i already done consult the list yeah yeah yeah I've already made this official and then we're gonna go see Santa what are you gonna ask Santa for? I already wrote it down like what?

it's already a legal document I'm just trying to get some ideas flowing so you don't end up with like the toy soldiers Margot's gonna be like a notarizer

when she's older is that what that means? a notarizer get a notarize yeah I's older? Yeah, yeah. Is that what that means? A notarizer. Get a notarize. Yeah. I pulled my mom for the Secret Santa for the gift exchange. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. Same here. She wants a PS4 and a Michael Jordan jersey. Cool. No, she doesn't. It would be cool if I asked my mom, what do you want?

PS4. PS4? PS4. Giant bag of Cheetos. Giant bag of Cheetos. Air Force Ones. Shoes. Nelly CD.

Sign. Fine. Fine. Oh, come on, Mom. I'll never be able to get it. My mom is always humming Air Force Ones. Air Force Ones. Air Force Ones. Air Force Ones. Doobie doobie dee dee da ba.

Air Force Ones. Yeah, moms are hard to shop for. I feel like siblings will just tell you, what's your limit? Okay, give me a gift card. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me a gift card to Sears. Oh, bad news. Is Sears gone?

Yeah, isn't Sears gone? Oh yeah Sears is gone Oh okay Yeah Is it gone in America too? I think so I think it's

Yeah I think it's just gone Yeah Good run Yeah I still have all those catalogs To look at the bras in Yeah yeah yeah I've got those

The bra section At the bay Always gave me anxiety When I was a kid I didn't really realize What that was Like Like sexual anxiety as a kid. I think for other people it was like, whoa, check out that freaking, look at that torso with boobs.

But for me, I was like, oh, God, why do I feel weird? Yeah, what's with the beige bra on it? Yeah. There was a lot of, yeah, I remember there being a lot of beige bras and a lot of beige hosiery. Yeah, yeah, I remember there being a lot of beige bras and a lot of beige hosiery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we, um, you want to talk to someone about your sexual anxiety?

No, I'm fine. You know what, actually it's funny because I was, there's a mannequin in my neighborhood that I am attracted to. And I feel shame because I think this mannequin is like very conventionally attractive. It's reinforcing norms. Yeah, and I feel very bad about it, but every time I walk past him, I always go like, oh, that mannequin's attractive.

It's a snack. Where is it? 8th and Main. It's this mannequin with a tucked in... That's the store? Yeah, yeah, 8th and Main, yeah. It's got a tucked in sweater, and it looks really good on it. Oh, it's like it's in a nice outfit. Yeah, itth and Main, yeah. It's got a tucked in sweater, and it looks really good on it. Oh, it's like it's in a nice outfit.

Yeah, it's in a nice outfit. It probably is. It's not like a scantily clad mannequin. It's just kind of like, huh, if any mannequin was going to come to life, that would be the one. Does it have a head? Sharp dresser? No, and that's also why I feel weird about it. You're a shame face.

Yeah. I feel weird about it. You're a shame face. Yeah. I feel shame. But it's weird because I'll walk past and there's about four mannequins in the window. Yeah. And the other ones I'm fine with. But they don't do anything for you the way that one does. Yeah, I remember mannequins I think are a big part of growing up yeah yeah like uh i remember seeing like um uh those mannequins that looked like

the tyra banks was she the was she the mannequin queen yeah i know one mannequin looked a lot like kim cattrall oh yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. What a delicious fill that was. Those mannequins that have like the early computer graphics angles of faces, you know? Yeah. Sometimes they try and do something weird with the mannequin. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Like once in a while I'll see one that looks like a 50s drawing of a person. It's got like a big smile on it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. got like a big smile. Oh yeah. Yeah. Gross. Those are creepy.

I feel like the ones you're describing are like, are like, they're very eighties. Yeah. Like what was that artist who did? They have like Terminator hands, like the, the liquid metal hands.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I remember the big thing at the Bay, uh, as a kid was going in and they'd have those circular racks that you could like jump in the American listeners. The Bay is where we bought our gym strip.

Um, yeah, the circular racks. Yeah. Yeah. You could hide in there and then, uh, give your,

uh, parent a huge anxiety. Yeah. By jumping out or by hiding. By hiding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's the perfect place to go missing. What is happening with my alarm?

Chew-de-bop, chew-de-de-de-de Christmas time and the skeleton dance. Skeleton dance. Deep, deep, deep, deep. Put a hat on that skeleton. Um, the, uh, yeah, like, uh, but also just, yeah, deep, put a hat on that skeleton. Yeah, but also just, yeah, I remember the different eras of mannequins. Yeah.

Because I remember when I first saw a mannequin that had no, either had no head or no face. Yeah. Where it was just like a blank face. And I found, I think I find the blank face more unsettling than no. Good. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, someone posted in our Facebook group, we were talking a few weeks ago about unseen props in movies. And they made a Gwyneth Paltrow head for seven. Oh, they did? Yeah. But I'm convinced it's in the movie. Yeah. You think that it rolls around a bit. It rolls around a bit. And then it goes, no, Monday, or whatever.

It goes, I'm thirsty. Yeah. Oh, boy, this guy only committed six sins. Oh, no, I'm going to be the wrath guy. But he, but then they later used that head for her dead body in Contagion. Oh, really? Yeah. And that's when you say a blank face mannequin, I'm thinking about, uh, that.

That face. Contagion face. Yeah. That's a weird thing that that didn't catch on as a mannequin face. Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow kind of frozen in time face. Next week on the show, uh, because we're ending the decade, should we do a countdown of our top tens of the decade?

Sure. Because Contagion's going to be on there. So, Aaron, tell me what's been going on with you. You've been doing a lot of stand-up. Yeah. You're really good at it. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're very funny.

Oh, thank you. So, it's been fun to see you around town doing the stand-up. Yeah. You're really good at it. Oh, thank you. Yeah, you're very funny. Oh, thank you. So it's been fun to see you around town doing the stand-up comedy. Yeah, thank you. Have you had the pleasure of going out on the road? I went to Nanaimo one time

with a podcaster, past guest, Maddie Kelly. Yeah. I think she talked about it. We stayed at a, we were supposed to stay in a hotel, but we ended up in an Airbnb that was actually just the top floor of an old folks home that was called The Dwelling Place. Oh, no.

Yeah. Which is a horrible name for someone who needs assistance later in life. Yeah. To just then go to a place where you will dwell on how life is not good anymore. But if you don't dwell, you let go of things. Yeah, that's true. And then you don't want the retirement home to be called the letting go place. Yeah, the letting go place.

That's true. But if you want to dwell, but dwelling is bad. Reminiscing is good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They should call it N place. That's true. But if you want to dwell, but dwelling is bad. Reminiscing is good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They should call it Nostalgia Factory. Yeah.

No, that's like a New York club. That's BuzzFeed. Yeah, that's BuzzFeed. Yeah, so we went on the road. That was cool. Did the place that you were staying in, in the dwelling place. Was it, did it have like a walk-in tub? Did it have anything? Oh, yeah.

A bar to hold you steady in the shower. No, because this was like the top floor of the owner's house. There was like a small house separate. Oh, okay. And then there's other facilities. Sorry, I guess that's kind of like. Misleading. Yeah, misleading.

Your Honor, I want that stricken from the record. Confirmed? But it was a weird place. Yeah. It stayed. Finally. Fine, go for it. That should be a new segment.

What? You just have a real court judge in here? Yeah. Oh, that'd be nice. Have a barrister, too. Yeah. You should just... What was that court?

What was that night court? You should have a night court year. A year. I think we're long enough in the run that we can start devoting years to things. We never really do like a month or. Like all this month is night court month? Yeah. Well,

this basically has been a holiday month. So we're stuck with that theme pretty. Halloween, you guys do stuff for Halloween, don't you? We scared our listeners. Yeah, we scared a lot of them away. So where was the show? It wasn't at the Dwelly place. We did one. No, no.

One was at a pub, and that one went pretty well. Yeah. Because like, I don't know. My stand up, it can be weirder. So sometimes I'm not sure if people are going to be interested in it or just be like, why is this guy like scatting and talking about like Muppets up here? You know, like what is it? Yeah.

And confessing. Yeah. Weird stuff like that. So that one went okay. And then we did another one in Duncan the next night at a place called the Hurricane Bar and Grill. Yeah, sounds good. And that sucked.

Why? Hurricanes are usually good. I did quite poorly, but it was just the two of us, so we did like 25-minute sets. It sounds like a place where you'd be doing stand-up in between UFC bouts. Yeah, there was UFC posters everywhere. And some of the locals, not to knock small-town locals, but some of the locals talked to us afterwards,

and they said some pretty haunting shit. Not to dwell, but... They told me some stuff that I literally can't talk about on this podcast. Wow. Because it's too... They revealed things about their lives that were too dank and can we bleep it no no not even it's like a whole story and then after this every time i tell the story everyone feels weird it's not a fun story yeah yeah i've been i've been in that same circumstance where

after the show somebody's just sat down at the table yeah and uh you're from out of town yeah yeah you won't put this on a podcast I can trust you not to repeat this to him

yeah yeah I can't say this to anybody who lives in town I'd be run out of you but uh here here it goes yeah yeah

um that they must see people and they're like that's where I will put my secret. Yeah. I will put it in his brain. Yeah.

It must go somewhere. Also, sometimes you get a real racy suggestion for what could go in your act. And you're like, what about my act made you think? Yeah. Yeah. I've just been waiting for a comedian to come to town and tell him about what I think is the master race

yeah yeah or it'll be something where it's like yeah I mean that's a bit that like they'll be like

have you ever done you know I've never seen a comedian talk about hospitals and I'm like yeah I'm sure there have been just a normal

yeah just a normal suggestion. And it's like, yeah, okay. Do you know anyone who does jokes about food? Yeah. Yeah, that would be fun. You should do a joke about how when you're older, it's less interesting to buy new sneakers. Is that your mom?

Just something very specific to that person. Yeah, they want figured out for themselves they're like it's not as fun does anyone do spoof songs yeah yeah Weird Al Yankovic

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay do you ever get someone who is the worst person in the room you know and then they really like you

and then that throws you off yeah yeah you went in thinking they would hate you and then that throws you off yeah yeah you went you went in thinking they would hate you yeah yeah but and they've been saying things all night you're like oh fuck that person yeah and then everyone's like dude that was fucking awesome yeah and then you're like oh my god i'm sorry if i yelled during the show i love you yeah it's only because i love you yeah i was just excited yeah you started talking about mannequins. It's my favorite thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's one at my work you need to see. I can sneak us in. There's one out front of the dwelling place. Hot, older mannequin. There's no older mannequins. That's unfair. That is unfair. Well, I mean, there are like, you know, there's like the 80s style mannequins, so that's technically an older mannequin. Oh, right.

Yeah, I'm sure they've gotten like, you know, weather beaten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They got sun damage. They might have a split in the face, you know. I guess if you made an old mannequin, it kind of, like, old people probably see it and be like, are they making fun of us? Like, I don't get it. Is that what I look like?

Yeah. There's probably a tasteful way to. Is that what I look like? Yeah. There's probably a tasteful way to make an old mannequin like... Yeah. I mean, there's a tasteful way to do everything. If the original mannequin is kind of an unattainable body shape, why couldn't it just be an older unattainable body shape? Yeah. Like my body, but on a 200 year old.

Yeah. On a 200 year old. So like, uh, like I feel like a, an 80 year old could attain my body. Yeah.

With a lot, with a lot of work, a lot of commitment. Come on, don't sell that bod short. Or a lot of time in like an iron lawn. Keeps your body live.

There was like a, I was walking some documentary about like, you know, those stupid YouTube so full of documentaries that people make that are just like. Conspiracy theories. Yeah. Just like I edited some stuff together. Here's my essay, my video essay. Yeah. Yeah.

But one was on like the hippie movement. Are they crazy? Or are they geniuses and uh they had one it was a really ripped old man he was like 65 but he was super ripped and he drank his own pee every morning he said it was really good for you but that probably is the one thing that's like keeping him from being like perfect like that's what's that's what's keeping him an old man face or whatever it's like're like, if you just didn't do that. Don't stop drinking your piss.

This is one vice. Smokers got to smoke, drinkers got to drink. Yeah. Peepy mouths. Can you go? Is there like a rehab place for that? Betty Ford? I mean, look, if it's not, how does it hurt anybody?

You know, like, is it getting in the way of his job? I don't want to ask too many questions because it's about pee drinking. Yeah, uh-huh. You there in the back. What was his water intake the day before? Yes. Right. Yes.

Very important question. Yes. Right. Yes. You know what? If you drank enough water yesterday, you're pretty much just drinking water. Right. Yes. Very important question. Yes. Right. Yes. You know what? If you drank enough water yesterday, you're pretty much just drinking water. Water. Yeah.

Warm water. Warm water. Yeah. It's been through a process. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

De-salinization. Re-salinization. And pee. Well, what goes into a bladder? Hot chocolate? Coca-Cola? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Those are the two main things. Chocolate and Coca-Cola. What, yeah. Those are the two main things. Chocolate and Coca-Cola. What's your... Break down your drink, your daily drink intake. My daily drink intake? Yeah. I drink a lot of water.

That's great. Yeah. I hope that doesn't mean I have some medical condition that is making me do that. No, I think we're supposed to. Okay, okay, okay. I drink a lot of water. I usually wake up, have a a coffee And then I have water If there's fizzy water

In the fridge I'm going to go for that I love fizzy water In the morning? Sometimes Start your day off With a sparkle A little sparkle

Sparkle and flavor Or just sparkle? Usually something subtle Like a lime or a lemon I don't really go for the peaches I don't really go for the Those kind of things Mangos.

You're not reaching for a clearly Canadian. Yeah, clearly Canadian. Get out of here. Or the one with those little bubble tea balls. Oh, yeah. Orbits. Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Orbits. Start your day with an Orbits. Yeah. Oh, God. That would be so gross. Yeah. And then I have one i have i usually i fill my thermos full of coffee in the morning and then i'll drink that and then if i have any more coffee in the rest of the day i have to drink a decaf i'm not allowed to have another coffee

because it's a rule for myself that's a good rule yeah but it makes me like a coffee makes me crazy um but it does it makes me feel insane yeah no i'm crazy. But it does. It makes me feel insane. Yeah. No, I'm the same. Like, if I have a cup of coffee or two, I feel fine. If I have three, I feel insane. Yeah. After three coffees, you're like, what if my fucking bones were out of my skin, huh?

What if I didn't have skin? This guy's mad as skin. You're just trying to read at the beach? Drinking coffee on the beach. That's cool. Three coffees on the beach. So today, I've been very busy and sleep deprived as well. I've just been very busy and also not sleeping well.

And today I was so tired i did like cartoonish tired guy things yeah like if someone was doing like a commercial for not getting enough sleep come to our mantras event i got out of the shower with conditioner still in my hair oh really i made coffee with no beans just water through. Those are the big two I did. Those are, but those are... I drove over some pedestrians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the big three. Tired guy. Yeah.

Well, I hope you get some sleep soon. Yeah, me too. I think it's coming tonight. Yeah. You know, do like a dog does and circle around your bed a couple times before you leave. Yeah, really flop down there. What do you do if you can't get to sleep? Because some people have some things that they do.

For me, it's not like, my schedule has just been so busy that I've been like, I can't stop what I'm doing until one in the morning and then have to wake up at seven and then, oh, a kid was kicking me all night, didn't that? Yeah, yeah. And not even one of your kids. No, just some neighborhood bully. Well, you got to stop wearing those soccer ball pajamas.

That's true. It's a ball. It's one big soccer ball. That's how you sleep. Well, it's got that inflatable backpack on it. Oh, that's so nice. The neighborhood kids can smell it. There's a big ball somewhere

do you have things that you do when you can't sleep um yeah i i have a lot of trouble falling asleep sometimes um my new thing is i like one thing that i found recently is i like to watch that neil young movie that he did with Devo called Human Highway. I don't know it. What era? It's like 19, he's quite young. It's like 1970s. Wow.

Or maybe it's 1980s. And Devo is all young Devo's? Yeah, young. Oh, no. You know what? Maybe it's 1980 around there because Devo is like a band in there. around there because Devo is like a band in there. It's just of that era

where musicians would obviously be doing lots of cocaine and then they decided they should make a full movie. Yeah. It's a really weird movie.

It's like a dramatic movie? No, it's like a psychedelic music movie. It's got music in it. Devo's got some songs. Neil Young's got some songs. It's like the same era as like Transformer some songs Neil Young's got some songs it's like the same era as like Transformer

where Neil Young did all the vocoder stuff yeah I think it's most people's favorite Neil Young yeah Transformer man

I love it it's good but it's like it's all these crazy sets it's about a town that's like right outside of a nuclear power plant

and everyone is just fucking weird. Neil Young acts in it. Devo acts in it. Wow. Neil Young's acting style is insane. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, because he already sounds kind of like, he sounds kind of weird.

I think it's supposed to be a comedy. I'm not totally sure, but it's a movie where nothing makes sense. And it looks insane. Yeah. There's like this guy in an orange suit who wears a baby mask. Who like talks like this the whole time. And drinks gas.

And they're always drinking gas. And you watch this to fall asleep? Yeah, well because it's just so nonsensical. And it makes no sense. And I'm just like what the it's going on and then that makes me fall asleep yeah dennis hopper's in it of course yes that ties it all together that's how they were able to get funding yeah oh how bad he plays a cook he plays a cook at a small diner and the cook's name is cracker

they keep going like, Cracker, get me a meal. He's like, okay. I'm hungry because I'm all out of gas. I run out of gasoline. I run out of gas.

It feels, it seems like the kind of thing that if you did enough cocaine during the rewrites, you just keep the bad ideas. Yeah, totally. Yeah,

it's really growing on me. But I kind of love it. I kind of love it. Like,hmm. I kind of love it. Like, I was thinking, like, they wouldn't make movies like that now. You know, like, One Direction. They would if One Direction wanted to make that kind of movie. Wanted to, yeah. But it wouldn't be as, like.

If they got back together and made a gas-drinking movie, it would be like, I don't know, who's the Neil Young of today? Ed Sheeran? Yeah, with Ed Sheeran. Yeah. If it was Ed Sheeran and One Direction, and then also who's the Dennis Hopper of today? Ed Sheeran? Yeah, with Ed Sheeran. If it was Ed Sheeran and One Direction, and then also who's the Dennis Hopper of today? James Franco?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, James Franco. He would be in it. Who's the Devo of today? One Direction. Yeah, One Direction. Oh, yeah, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Have you ever seen The Monkees? No. So this is what I'm going to do next is I'm going to watch all these. Because that's crazy. And then you realize it was directed by Jack Nicholson. That's right. Oh, yeah.

And it's wild. Yeah, I heard it's crazy. Did he direct anything else? Not that. Well, maybe he did. But that was his big, like, don't worry, guys. I got this. When was that?

Early 70s? Late 60s? Late 60s? Late 60s. Head, it's called. Yeah. And it's just like, it's them. It was once upon a time in Hollywood. Wait, what?

That's when they made it. Oh yeah, right. Yeah. And where? Did I stutter? But it was really them like deciding to be like

well we're ending the monkeys forever you know spectacularly weird fashion like it's

you guys can all jump up my butt I got all this liquid paper money get out of here yeah exactly one of them knew they were gonna be

fine forever. But there's a big mannequin scene in that. Oh, really? Yeah, with a bunch of mannequins being destroyed by fans of the monkeys. Oh, weird. Yeah. So weird. Yeah.

That's cool. But, yeah, I guess the kind of, like, cocaine-fueled, like, yeah, just make a movie. And some, you know, will show it at art houses like where would they have shown what was this isn't there like an andy warhol movie that's like 12 hours 24 hours super long that's just a shot of empire state building yeah oh yeah and then there's one called sleep that's a nine hour film of just somebody sleeping. And, you know, I'd go see that. Sure, why not?

Yeah. Say that I did. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go watch Sleep in its entirety. Yeah. And then go home and go to sleep. Yeah.

Or go home and watch this crazy, what is this movie called again? Human Highway. Human Highway. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's good. it's worth watching yeah yeah yeah what oh what's your favorite uh cobbled together youtube documentary that you've stumbled across shoot um oh some of them are really dark um my roommate uh was watch Christine. She's been on the show.

Bortog. Uh, Bortog. Yeah. She, I w I was like surfing the internet on the computer. We have a shared kitchen. We live together. And, uh, I was just on the computer and then she was watching, um, this YouTube compilation of, uh, killers who have called nine-1-1 on on themselves oh yeah oh

my god and like at first they were like pretty normal and then are they confessing or like catch me if you can they're like confessing oh yeah but then then she got to one that was so creepy that i just was like you you gotta stop you have to stop yeah we need to do something put on headphones i think the next morning i was eating breakfast and she was watching cold case yeah which is like usually a pretty like monotone like the crimes aren't so bad but she picked two of the worst cold cases i've ever i've ever heard and that was awful as well hard to eat hard to eat and cold case yeah i'm time. I'm not a cop. I'm not a detective.

I don't have to live this life. But I like ones that are like... When the Joker movie came out, I watched a lot of Joker ones. Right. Like video essays about what it means. Video lists and essays, yeah. I can't rack any off of the top of my head. Did you love the Joker? I saw it twice, but I didn't really...

I thought it was fine. Yeah. But I hated it the first time I saw it. Actually, we talk about not having theme months. We probably talked about the Joker every week for about six weeks. Yeah, I think October, October, November was Joker. Yeah. Joker month.

Yeah. Oh, I like those like six times animals had enough. Is it like animals attacking people? Yeah, sometimes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, those are, that's, I feel that falls in the wholesome category. Yeah, I watch the ghost stuff too.

I like the ghost ones. Yeah, I like a good, like, especially if it's about a specific place. Yeah. But the person hasn't gone to the place. They've just grabbed shots off the internet. Yeah. And, you know, maybe like taking some video from a promo video for that place. Yes, totally.

Was there, was it like a user made one did you watch something about like the the those russian hikers that went missing oh in like the 60s and there was like all this weird evidence it's the diet love pass the outlaw pass okay it's a famous case but i first heard about it from you. Oh, really? About these hikers who, there was all this evidence, like the tent ended up in the tree. Oh, yeah, that sounds familiar. And there were some pictures on the camera that were after, that definitely took place after some of the people had died. So they didn't know if some people tried to get away. What were they trying to get away from?

Was there like some kind of Russian experiment? Or was there a Yeti or an avalanche it was an avalanche yeah but i i love uh there's one that i think i've told you about i think i've talked about it on the podcast about the the rockafire explosion yeah oh yeah that's that's like a i think that's a youtube one. Rock-A-Fire Explosion. Your profile picture on Facebook is from the Rock-A-Fire Explosion. Oh, you mean the Chuck E. Cheese robots? Yeah. Oh, I love them. Yeah, there's a whole documentary about the guy who invented them.

Really? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. And he and Neil Young got together, did a bunch of ayahuasca celo's in it at one point because he like puts together a band for celo on tour because he was celo was the visual like we'd like the animals to look like this weird ball man i'm sorry for body shaming CeeLo.

There's so many other things to shame him for. That's true. Yeah, he's given us... It's a horn of plenty. Yeah, I don't like that he made the version of fuck you that was forget you. Oh, yeah. Forget you. And forget you too.

And also the terrible things. Yeah, he's a bad person. But that documentary... Allegedly. And also the terrible things. Yeah, he's a bad person. Allegedly. Also, I'm backpedaling on backpedaling. This is why we need that judge in here. Yeah. Just someone to look up.

Is that a syllable? Allegedly. But yeah, I'll send you the link. Yeah, send me the link. That sounds amazing. But yeah, I do. If you find any good like pieced together YouTube link. Yeah, send me the link. That sounds amazing. But yeah, I do. If you find any good like pieced together YouTube docs. Oh, yeah.

I'll send you one. Like anything paranormal I'm on board for. Do you like tours? Do you guys like when people tour creepy places or abandoned amusement parks? Yeah. Those are cool. Yeah. Would you ever in real life go to an abandoned amusement park?

Yeah. What are we talking? At night? I'm not doing it alone. There's rumors and there is a madman on the loose. Yeah, there's a madman. You open the newspaper that says madman on the loose

and the picture's of you. What? And then j Joker cackles happen in the clouds. That's how you laugh. Yeah, yeah. I saw it twice. When I was a kid,

me and my friend, Scott, we went down to the railroad tracks at night. And that was still to this day one of the scariest things I've ever done.

That's the most terrifying place you could be at night. We brought our flashlights and we were just like, ah! Yeah. Did you see anything weird? No, but there's lots of people who live in the woods near where we grew up. Right. Near the railroad tracks. I think people who are traveling the rails set up camp and stuff like that

because there's so much forest around there. So that was kind of a bit of a creepy part. Like I know we used to walk through the woods and there'd be signs that say like trespass and die and stuff like that. Trespass and eat shit and die. Dude. Trespass or GTFO. trespass or GTFO there's a there's a

someone made a art project that was like go to a place that like scares you or something like that like

do something that scares you and then and then you have to like take a picture of it so it would be like a guy would go like out in the middle of the woods

and then would they would like take a picture and then like get out of there yeah yeah scary I don't wanna I don't wanna disturb it I like cause also like you go somewhere the woods and then would i would like take a picture and then like get out of there yeah yeah well yeah scary i don't want to i don't want to disturb it i like because also like you go somewhere at night no one's expecting you yeah that's true i don't want to bother anybody i

don't want to bother anyone yeah like you're scaring them yeah yeah that's true um yeah you would think the scariest place to go at night would be a graveyard but that's the literally the one place you're not you're not bugging anybody. Yeah. Yeah. Railway track, though. A lot of people. Yeah.

Singing around a flaming trash can. Flaming trash can, yeah. Oh, trains. Oh, I like trains. Chugga-chugga-chugga-choo-choo. Sing with me, my friends. A lot of conductors looking for their lunch pails yeah looking for their stripey hat the other stripey hat um yeah the uh did you ever do anything like that

when you were younger i feel like we went on these driving adventures in college and we would just like go uh uh a couple friends and i would go like for a drive and like try to find some where we didn't know before and then i remember once we crept up to this one like building that had a light on in the middle of the night whoa and i hated it i and it was like a blue light like oh like or maybe like a TV was on in this one, like, what I'm assuming was abandoned mental institution. The scariest place. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It was up on a hill. It was the only building up on this hill. Spooky. In Victoria. In Victoria. Yeah. But I could not tell you any details. What it was.

Or the names of the people I was shaggy there was yeah well yeah when i was a kid like because we used to hang out in the forest a lot and so our spots to hang out would always also be like older and like weird like older teens and like young people spot to hang out so it would always be in the woods and there'd always be like beer cans and condoms and like cigarettes and stuff like that yeah people be fucking yeah people be fucking in those wood spots yeah yeah we had a we had a small shack um that was built uh in in our neighborhood uh by whom i I don't know. Someone built it. The city built a small shack for the youth to fuck in.

But yes, this is what happened. The youth were having sex and doing drugs in it so they had to tear down the shack. And you know that that was like

during a council meeting that had to come up on the... That was part of the day's... Youth be fucking in here. What are we going to do about the fuck shack? Why did we even build it? Surely we knew.

It was for the adults. Yeah. We knew when we built the shack and left a bunch of old porno magazines in there that something would go awry. Why did we name it the Royal Burnaby Fuck Shack? The Queen never signed off on that yeah i remember like uh my friend and i like finding our way into an old uh like a pump station oh yeah and uh just but very innocently just going in there and reading comic books oh nice that was like our main activity was like sitting in this.

You didn't pump each other? No, we didn't know how to use any of the things. Yeah. But I remember we were like one time we were leaving and I was like, we shouldn't just leave the comics here because we can get back in any time. And then they sealed up the hole with our comic books inside. Oh, no. But also they may have never discovered the hole if we hadn't left the comic books in there as an indication that somebody was breaking it.

Yeah. Fair enough. That was our own undoing of our cool fuck track. Would you do anything like that now? Go hang out in a pump station? Yeah, I guess so. Read comics? Yeah.

Read comics at someone's work that they left unlocked? I mean, there's a part of me that's, yes, I would. It would be nice to have a place. Eating a meatball sub. Yeah, exactly. Somewhere that's away from home, but isn't work. You know, someplace that's just kind of in between where you can just go and hang. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like that's just kind of in between where you can just go and hang. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, like, yeah, like you say, eat a meatball sub. Like a portable man cave. Like if you can't afford to make a cool cave for dudes, you got to just bring a couple items with you and make it your space. Yeah. Just make whatever space I'm able to find. Yeah.

Is there a vegetarian equivalent of just like like something gross like a meatball is a meatball sub gross i guess a meatball sub is just like the embodiment of uh like lazy indulgence yeah yeah i feel like the i think the vegetarian equivalent is probably like like uh you know macaroni and cheese or something like that. You know, like just something where it's just like too much of not single entity. Yeah. Nachos.

Yeah. Like that. Yeah. Um, now I was just thinking about reading comic books. There was no light in there. Like it was very hard to read comic books in there. Uh,

but comic books were you into uh archie so yeah well archie superman i like superman i like the spider-man did you ever get that superman one where superman dies yes oh my friend my friend showed it to me um this cursed comic book yeah okay i know that story's gross. Well, my friend showed me two things at his house. One was the Superman comic book. Yeah. And another was he had an older brother who had, this is gross, you can bleep this out.

He had an older brother who had had sex. His older brother claimed he had had sex. Oh, no, no, no. So my friend took me into his brother's room and he showed me the sheets and he's like, that's like a love stain. You can edit that part out because that's too gross. But it's very, very funny. It is very funny because it's like...

There's always that kid. Yeah. There's always that kid. My brother had sex and that's the stain. Yeah. Like, you want to see something gross? Because I found a gross thing. And if you follow me, I'll show it to you.

Be my friend. You have to be my friend. Promise you'll be my friend and I'll show it to you. And yeah, you know, most of being a kid, you want to see, you want to get your hand on some candy. Yeah. You want to see something gross. Yeah.

You do. You do want to see something gross. Do you ever have that candy that was boogers coming out of a nose? Best of both worlds. Dave, what's going

on with you? Oh, boy. Like I say, I've been very busy and we're actually, full disclosure, we're recording this episode the day after uh last

week's episode that's right and so uh because we have some travel next week we're just cramming in our uh our year-end episodes doing it doing it right now um so i've been uh like ever since i had kids i kind of slowed down my tv watching. Like the TV is always on. Yeah. Yeah. But I will. Intentional TV. Yeah.

Yeah. So I, it's been a long time since I like watched a show. Yeah. And so. It isn't Caillou. No one's watching Caillou. Kids were watching Masha and the Bear. Masha and the Bear.

Yeah. No one's watching. Abby's mom yesterday was like, Caillou. Kids were watching Masha and the Bear. Masha and the Bear. Yeah. No one's watching. Abby's mom yesterday was like, Caillou, Abby and I used to watch that. And I was like, no, Abby, Abby never watched Caillou. It was for little children and it started in the 90s. So she was too old. You were either into grunge or Caillou. Yeah.

But the show, I've heard people talking about the show Succession. Yes. Yeah, a lot of people talking about that. And for a long time, I had heard about it before, and I caught it confused with that show Billions. Oh, yeah. Where Paul Giamatti is, I want the billions. Give me my billions.

And the guy from Homeland is like like i'm a young billions guy right i'm mr i wear a henley shirt those aren't legitimate billions billions a billion my man this is what i assume happens on that show and so i i resisted this succession show because i think Billions looks bad. Yeah, yeah. And then a lot of people I know were watching it. And one advantage of now I play hockey on a team and we have late night games

and I get home at midnight and I cannot fall asleep. So I don't even bother trying for like an hour. And now i've started watching success oh cool i heard it's good is it good and neither of you have watched it that's the other thing is like i feel like the window of being able to talk about it has passed there will be more but right what i like about it is uh it seems to be getting better as it goes okay which i feel like so many of the the net shows are just like, we got one great season. Yeah.

And then you're on your own. There'll be four more. And then four more left. Yeah. And then maybe we'll wrap it up by nine. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard a lot of people talking about it.

I don't know anything about it. I assumed it would be like billions, how I imagine billions is. But it's closer to Veep oh yeah okay it's like a comedy oh it is yeah oh okay it's like a very dry comedy yeah yeah but it's i think quite clearly a comedy okay like people uh so someone was like oh just remember when you're watching it it's kind of a comedy oh okay and i don't think you could watch it and not know that okay yeah but maybe i'm wrong man maybe i just got a twisted sense of you yeah you're twisted man it's true you are wearing that fire beret yeah i do

have a fire beret it's fire man yeah uh so that's the thing going on uh if anyone wants to talk to me about succession i'm well i'm i i'm a greg i'm such a greg uh the other thing that's going on is the other day abby and i went to a birthday party and there was a weird like parking snafu where uh i we were looking for parking around uh mount pleasant community center and i turned the corner and there was like a moving truck facing the wrong way in a parking spot just on the street not like in a parking lot uh and it then it just drove away and i was like whoa that parking spot came out of nowhere i and i went and i parked in it and there was a guy ahead of me who was trying to back into it. But I feel like he got there late.

But I was trying to reconcile with myself because I was like, I sold this man's parking spot. I'm a monster. Oh, no. And I really carried that with me for the rest of the day. And I'm like, does this guy have kids? And is he going to bring them to the birthday party? Am I going to have to be confronted by this man? Oh, no.

Did you? Did you see the guy? No. Abby had a look at him after I was like, should I get out of this parking spot? Should I give him this parking spot that I have? But I think you never, once you're in a spot. You can't.

You can't. If I'm driving and someone else takes the spot, I can't assume I will ever get that spot. and someone else takes the spot, I can't assume I will ever get that spot. Right. But Abby's logic was, he doesn't have kids. We do.

We need the spot. That's why you have that king on board. Yep, exactly. My little stick figure family. Yeah, exactly. Can't park anywhere. So what was it that he was already backing into it? No, he was not. Then you snaked in?

So the guy who was there before was a moving truck facing the wrong way. Yeah. And it was, it was not, it was the last, um, it was right at the corner. So it was like, uh, I, you, if, if you had approached it, you wouldn't have to turn into it. It was just right there. And he was trying to back into like parallel park into it. But I think that just meant he missed it. Nice.

Yeah. Okay. But I do carry a lot of guilt with it. And I feel like I'm also wrong, but he couldn't have expected to get that spot. But I mean, I'm wearing, I'm really punishing myself. Yeah, you're reallyrying a lot of shame Yeah Did it ruin the

Piñata part of the Birthday party for you? No the I had a lot of rage About it too So I was able to Channel that into the piñata The kids were supposed to

But But you were like Get out of my way I don't need a blindfold Have you Piñatad? In my life? Yeah

Yes Lately? No. As an adult? No. No. I feel like you have to as an adult. I feel like a child cannot break a pinata.

It was a group effort, but my kid friends and I broke a pinata because we got the weird candy that was inside. But did you? It was weird candy. Well, I think you just put whatever candy. Colorless mints. No, well,

yeah, I think you can buy empty ones. But yeah, I got a, this was definitely a pre, cause it was like candy from another land, but it was still candy. Still ate it.

Yeah. A lot of those nose boogers. Yeah. You know, it's just like, like a pear flavored candy. Oh, right.

Yeah. Did you beat it? Did you open it? Like, did you hit it candy all right yeah did you beat it did you open it like did you hit it on the string or did you end up having to knock it down and tear it to shred no i remember one kid knocked the head clean off whoa and then just this kind of candy just like bled out of it it was great we went to a birthday party a few weeks ago that was for five-year-olds, and it was the most dangerous. Yeah. Like, they had to swing a broomstick that was twice as tall as they were. Yep.

I don't think they were blindfolding, though, but it was still. And it's classic. This is classic piñata. A lot of kids just wandering in front. Yeah. So many close calls. Yeah, the blindfolding is. Yeah. It makes it too hard. Yeah. So many close calls. Yeah, the blindfolding is... Yeah.

It makes it too hard. Yeah, it makes it hard. Do you remember your piñata? I don't remember hitting my... The thing that I do remember is my mom made a paper mache piñata for my older sister. I have two sisters. For my older sister, she made a beautiful turtle, a big turtle. Oh, nice.

A big friendly turtle. Yeah. And my twin sister, who the piñata was not for, but she fell in love with it. Oh, no. And she loved it. Oh, boy. And then so when it was time for the kids to all bash the piñata, my sister's world was completely destroyed as a group of strangers beat the shit out of-

This thing she loved. She loved it. She was like, turn it off! No! Kids were just like, getting its guts. Let's eat its guts!

No! Let's eat its weird pear flavored guts. It's like growing up on like a farm and you, I want to, I love this pig. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to put the pig up on a rope and let all the kids hit it with a stick. It's a, wow.

The homemade pinata. I feel like a paper mache one. Yeah. That would really break real well. Yeah. I think it broke real nice. Yeah. The head really break real well. Yeah. I think it broke real nice. Yeah. The head probably came off.

But can you imagine being a kid and falling in love with the thing and then. A thing that your mom made. Yeah, your mom made. But it was your mom like warning her like, just so you know, this is not going to be a forever toy. This is not going to end well. I think she did. But I don't think my, I think my sister was like, okay.

But in the back of her head, she's like, well, I'll be together forever. The turtle. So, that's me. I've got parking shame. Parking shame. It happens.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. We are, none of us perfect when it comes to the parking game. I didn't have enough money for the bus

or I didn't have the proper change. So, I got on the back door, but the back door was closing, so I was the guy who loudly opened the back door. So that was shameful. And then I sat down, and the bus driver hit that button that goes... Everybody got to pay now. Yeah, yeah.

The bus is a fair-paid zone. I was like, oh, my God, this is the worst. That pre-recorded message is for me. Yeah. Oh, man. We all feel shame. Yeah. Okay. it's part of growing up yeah well okay what's up with you um speaking of uh shows that uh have been been around and i haven't watched but i finally watched an episode of it last night. I watched an episode of this show called The Masked Singer. Oh, yes.

Oh. And that show, like from the poster, I was like, this, I think, is a great idea. Yeah. Like just great costumes. Somebody comes out and sings. We don't know who they are. Yeah. Who are the judges?

The judges are. Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke. Jenny McCarthy. Okay. What's his name? He's a doctor and an actor. Ken Jeong.

Ken Jeong. And one of the Pussycat Dolls. Oh, yeah. Nicole Scherzinger. Yeah. And so like the person comes out in this crazy costume they sing and then they also film like do they disguise their voice

their speaking voice they do but not their singing voice okay and then uh they put together these like they're called clue packages where they like say kind of a riddle and you're supposed to try to figure out like it's all clues to their identity. Oh, is the Masked Singer someone that you would know? Yeah, it's a famous celebrity.

So they'll do a clue package that's like the Chicago Bulls are my favorite team and I am Hakeem Olajuwon. and I am Hakeem Olajuwon. It was funny. The judges were like,

on the episode that I watched, they were exactly right. They guessed who it was. Who was it? It was Michelle Williams. Destiny's Child? Destiny's Child. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.

Wow. I would have at least guessed Kelly Rowland first. Yeah, maybe over the course of it, Kelly Rowland's name maybe would have been added to the pile. Or maybe I would have guessed Michelle Williams from Dawson's Creek. Sure. It could have been. I think the week before it was Kelly Osbourne. I would have guessed Kelly Rowland.

Or Kelly Ripa. Yeah. But it's... Kelly Os or Kelly Ripa. Yeah. Um, but, uh, it's Kelly Osbourne, the singer. Yes.

Yes. Who's saying Papa don't preach. That's the one and only. Um, but yeah, it's, uh, I don't know that I'll ever watch it again,

but I thoroughly enjoyed the one episode that I, when they guess the person they're out. No, what happens is, um, they just put in their best guess, and then it's like a sing-off. And then whoever gets the lowest rank gets unmasked that week.

Oh. Yeah. Violently. To reveal your face, which is shameful. Yes, which is shameful, and you're exposed to the world for the fraud that you are. I have a feeling that the one guy who will probably make it to the very end is Wayne Brady. That's my... Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah. This is season two of it. Yeah, because at one point in his clue package, they showed a sign that said, yes, and. And I was like... Oh, no one's going to... Do you think? No. The general, but nobody got onto it. But I was like, I know what this is signaling.

He's the world's most famous improviser. He's got to be one of them. Probably up there, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who else? Ryan Stiles. Ryan Stiles.

Colin Macri. Robin Williams? He was a big improviser guy. Probably a bunch of UK people. Yeah. Yeah. Who I don't know. All the people from

Whose Line Is That Anyway over there yeah Richard Vranch on the piano is that the real name? yeah nice so I watched that

and you know maybe I'm right about Wayne Brady we'll see time will tell yeah I mean I feel like I've been right about Wayne Brady for years yeah

that's right you've been on the right side you saw my little Wayne Brady documentary I put together on YouTube it was mostly just clips of who's line who's line

yeah and then a couple clips from Let's Make a Deal and that was it and then some like and then a little bit of my own commentary yeah

this guy can do it all I love him The horrifying secret About Wayne Brady He's great Yeah What a talent But Wayne Brady

Doesn't want you to know He's got the goods He's very versatile Yeah And likable Yeah Yeah He

Yeah So you know It wouldn't be a shock If he was the Guy on the show It's gotta be over now Right? How many people were left? Three Yeah the show. It's got to be over now, right? How many people were left?

Three. Yeah, it'll be over by the time this is out. Because they're not going to have a post-Christmas. Everyone's going to have the New Year's Blahs. Yeah. Everybody will be tuning into America's Got Talent, the Champions Edition. I don't know. I saw an ad for it last night when I was watching The Masked Singer.

Oh, wow. Is The Masked Singer watching The Masked Singer. Oh, wow. Is The Masked Singer a newer show? Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I think it's based on a Japanese show or something. At your new place, do you have cable? Yeah.

Nice. Cool. Do you have the channels, the 60s, 70s, 80s? Yes, I do. Well, if you didn't, December, they're free. I know. I should if you didn't, December, they're free. I know. I should get some money back. But the other thing that I did this week, I put together a desk.

An Ikea? It wasn't an Ikea, but it was Ikea-like. Okay. And there was no picture of what the desk was supposed to look like finished. Oh, no. Like there were instructions, but they only brought it up to the mask desk. It was the mask desk. So I put it together and then it was only in the last like two pieces that didn't fit.

I was like, oh, no, I put this together 100% backwards. I put everything like everything fit except two pieces at the very end. You put a computer on and the computer falls off. It goes through it. The computer is upside down. Yeah. Yeah, so after like, yeah, putting it together for an hour plus, and I was like, ta-da, ah, shit.

Completely backwards. Start over from scratch. Not from scratch, from worse than scratch. I had to disassemble. Yeah, you had to undo it. Completely backwards. Start over from scratch. Not from scratch. From worse than scratch. I had to disassemble. Yeah, you had to undo it. Disassemble. Oh, boy.

Start all over again. Was it well enough constructed that you could have left it? It would just bother you. You just wouldn't be able to pull a drawer out or something? It was just there was one kind of like shelf that didn't quite work. Oh, yeah. That sucks. It was just everything else

like I was like, if I drill the hole in here, maybe I can make this shelf kind of work. And a lot of that stuff, it's risky because it's like, this wasn't designed

to be built twice. Yeah. These materials are not going to hold up to a lot of re-screwing. Yeah. That's IKEA's slogan. They're like, hopefully you're not going to hold up to a lot of re-screwing. Yeah. That's Ikea's slogan. They're like,

hopefully you're not going to move soon. Yeah. I don't know if it'll survive. You can try to donate it to someone. They don't want it.

They don't want it. If you put it out in the rain, it'll be mulch within days. Made out of newspapers? I don't know. We won't talk about it.

But, yeah, like I had, I think, maybe like a second of job satisfaction feeling and then realized that it was backwards. So, robbed. Robbed of my job satisfaction feeling. I'm sorry. And then when I was finished, I didn't have that feeling. It just felt like humiliation. Like the desk had gotten the better of me. Yeah.

I put together a bed and put it together somewhat backwards so that I couldn't put the headboard on. Right. Because you needed two slots to be in the same place. Good for you having a bed with a headboard. Well, I wasn't going to use it anyways because it was like a big wiry one. And then I was like, I might as well use it. But then I put it on backwards and then I was like, I'm not going to use it anyways because it was like a big wiry one. And then I was like, I might as well use it. But then I put it on backwards and then I was like, I'm not going to remake this bed frame. Yeah.

So I just threw that part out. Which I feel very wasteful and shitty. But I just couldn't. You could have used it for an Ikea hack. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know. I was thinking like who could use this. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. What's an Ikea hack? Oh, it's like you can make a table out of these drawers. Oh. There's a bunch of, you know, make your own wall full of like, you know, where you want to store records. Right. How cool. I didn't know.

There's tons of, because we were, yeah, we were looking into doing some. Ikea hacks? Yeah. Cool. I didn't know. There's tons of, because we were, yeah, we were looking into doing some. Ikea hacks? Yeah. Cool. I think Abby in her sewing room at the last house had like made a big sewing table out of. Different Ikea bits? Different Ikea like. That is truly a hack.

Yeah. That's great. You're like finding parts that don't work together and then making a thing. Or like taking a bunch of things that do work, but they only kind of merchandise them as one bookshelf. But if you've got two of them, you can put them on either end of something and then take this other thing and put it over top. That would be cool if there was a store like that

that was like adult Lego. Yeah. Just a bunch of pieces and you're like, what I'm trying to build is this. That be cool i love you really cool yeah somebody out there who's got some uh some dragon's den or shark yeah you could do it based off of like old lumber and old stuff people are throwing away too yeah yeah just be like i mean I don't know how you scale that. Yeah. I want the thing I saw on the website. So I'm not in for the whole business. I'm just in for the...

I guess I just want a shelf. Now, Graham. Yes. It is our Christmas episode. Oh, yeah. That's right. And this year, as with all years, we did a Secret Santa. We pulled some names out of the hat.

Yeah. I got Graham. I got Dave. What? But I also brought a little something for you. Really? The thing that happens is Graham brings something for the guest, and I feel the guest should not get anything.

Oh, that's so nice. Oh, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Dave's is wrapped in a Georgia straight Oh what? You too Graham Oh I'm excited Do we all open? Well you go first

Okay There's for the bumpers Oh yeah It's the holiday season So whoop-de-doo And hickory dock And don't forget To hang up your sock

It's in a nice brown bag And there's some nice And Hickory Duck. And don't forget to hang up your sock. It's in a nice brown bag and there's some nice, what is this called? Tissue paper? Tissue paper in there. All right, here we go. It's got a nice card. Oh, is that? No, the card's not supposed to be in there.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that card is from something else. Is that for me? I got some string. The world's number one string in there. Oh, okay. Now, that card is from something else. Is that for me? I got some string. The world's number one string. Yeah. Duncan's string. And it's not just any kind of string.

It's for... Oh, it's yo-yo string. Yeah. Well, I said that very sincerely. Yeah, it's yo-yo string. Yo-yo string. Duncan's yo-yo string. Ooh, a Star Wars balloon. Yep.

Gonna put this up, go downtown, try and get some dates. You know what I'm talking about? How you doing, Joey Magnet? Whoa. And a Subway gift card. I have a Subway right by my house. Yeah, yeah. And I know you like to get a Subway late at night. I do. Yeah, I'm trying not to

these days, but I... How late are Subways open? The one by my house at Fraser and Broadway is open until 2 a.m. They used to be 24 hours. Yeah. But that's psychotic. That's a very... I would not want to be in that mini mall there. Yeah.

That strip mall at 3 in the morning. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of going in and out of the Macs. There's a lot of people asking, people of the Macs There's a lot of People asking People panhandling Yeah A lot of people giving you

The hairy eyeball Yeah There's some Some strange customers Yeah I will open this Graham has I've

Graham Last year Graham gave me The greatest gift Which was a Wait wait wait Oh sorry One at a time Okay

Which was a Gift card for the ice cream store up the street. Oh, nice. For like $150. Oh, my God, really? This isn't as good as that, but it's something that I think. Oh, I will like this. Yeah, it's something that you would like. It's a Peanuts.

Oh, my God. Charlie Brown Christmas. Why did you give me a good present? A Charlie Brown Christmas thousand- piece jigsaw puzzle. I'll do it with love and pleasure. What's the hour average on that? Oh, for me, probably. What's yours?

Yeah. It would be like eight to ten. Eight to ten hours? Yeah, maybe. Wow, cool. It can really buckle down, usually over the holidays. Last year, we went puzzle crazy. We overdid it

a bit and bought too many puzzles and realized well i realized i maybe i only like it doing it in the christmas yeah yeah yeah yeah when you can put it you've got a big puzzle board yeah i do yeah yeah so i bet you i bet you summer there's no summer puzzles i bet you there's a decline in puzzle yeah purchases although if you're up at a cabin. Oh yeah, that's true. If you're in a puzzle company, you're like,

uh oh, this is the summertime. The summer doldrums. It's going to be this patch here that's just light blue snow at night.

That's going to be tough. It's going to be difficult. Yeah. And also, all the kids have the same color skin. Yeah, and also, there's one kid that I don't recognize who's also a bald kid.

Yes, he's got tiny little pokes. Yeah. He's not Pigpen, is he? No, Pigpen's over there. There's a lot of baldness. There's two of that kid. There's a lot of... There's two of one of the other kids, too.

Well, because that other kid, that's Linus. Oh, that's Linus? Oh, those twins. Who are the twins? Yeah, I don't know who the twins are. I feel like I've seen them do a dance. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Like a Snoopy-style dance. Yeah, the twins have, like, sticks for hair. Yeah. Remember when the Today Show dressed up as the... Oh, it's my favorite thing. It's the peanuts of peanuts? Yeah. It's my favorite thing.

It's so horrifying. And also, they do it outdoors, and the sound is so bad that it adds this noise music effect to it. Because they're like, I'm Charlie Brown. I've got to figure this out. And then the mics are like, oh. The whole thing is my favorite thing of all time. The worst one is, no, there's two worst ones. Who's the really dirty kid?

Pigpen. Pigpen. Pigpen, who's played by Kathy. Oh. To Kathy Lee? I think so. And then, what's his name, who used to have the late night show? Carson Daly.

Carson Daly. Really? He played, who does he play? I can't remember who he plays, but. What's he doing this is the worst also he might still have

that late night show I wonder if you have played enough if someway when someway closes he goes on the air I think uh

oh what's her name maybe took over his slot like very recently Lily Singh oh was that that was it like at 1.30 in the morning?

I could be way wrong on this. I think he, well, no, I don't think he has a show anymore. Lilly Singh does have a show. She does have a show, right? Yes. And it's like later on in the, but you know, maybe Carson's show is after Lilly Singh's show. He just keeps getting bumped. He just got bumped until he was in the morning show.

He was in the morning show, but wow. Can I open mine now? You can open yours. Yeah, here we go. So Graham has an envelope. Oh, very exciting. I haven't had time to really shop. Five dollars.

Five Canadian dollars. I gave Graham a five dollar bill. As you know, Dave's been stealing parking spots all over the city. And tradition here at Stop Podcasting Yourself, Secret Santa Christmas Coupons 2019. Whoa. Let's read them out. Good for one romantic massage. Yeah, so these are kind of like the things you can give your partner that are kind of like a thoughtful gift.

Good for some uninterrupted cuddle time. Ooh. Nice. Those first couple coupons were pretty normal, but this is the one where things begin to get silly. So strap yourself in, muchacho. Good for one manicure. You're the man. I'm the cure.

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Baby cheeses wrapped in a tortilla and served up by the greedy corporations. Yes, I know. Guac is extra. That was good. Thank you. Thank you. That was a good read. Present this coupon and I'll drop everything and send you a dick pic.

Oh no, I dropped everything on my dick and now it's all mangled. Is this giving you flashbacks to your 24 hours where you had to just read jokes that were handed to you? Good for some sexy accent play. Oh, donkey. Get over here, donkey. Oh, donkey. Get over here, donkey. Present this coupon and I will instantly transform my sarcastic applause into earnest applause.

Bravo. Bravo. Present this coupon the next time you're having sex and I'll stop by and give baseball commentary like in Paradise by the Dashboard Line. He's going to second base. That's the boob. She's going to second base, that's the boob. Here's a fun fantasy. Just for tonight, let's pretend we live in a pre-The Irishman world. Yes.

Yes, please. Good for one date night. You can pick any movie you want, and I promise to stay awake for the whole thing. But remember, The Irishman doesn't exist yet. Have you watched it? Yeah, I did it in a way that would upset Martin Scorsese. I watched it about in three chunks while I was falling asleep.

Yeah. I didn't give it proper. I haven't buckled myself in yet. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird. Four hours. Yeah.

Three and a half. Fair enough. It's weird. Four hours. Yeah. Three and a half. Fair enough. Good for some whining, dining, and 1979-ing when you and Billy Corgan flip around and go to town on each other.

Present this coupon and I'll drop everything and send you a naughty picture. That one of John Wayne Gacy in clown makeup. Oh, God. Trying to think of a worse one. If I haven't, then I had to Google disturbing pictures. Good for one lap dance from me, Dave,

who's never even seen a lap dance, except in that movie where Natalie Portman is wearing a pink wig, but I don't think that was what they're really supposed to be like.

What was that movie? Was it called Closer? Yeah, Closer. I had Clive Owen. What was the one? Was it called Closer? Yeah, Closer. It had Clive Owen. What was the one where she's like a Lady Gaga? Oh, that was a newer one. Yeah.

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the old Alanis Morissette Alanis Morissette in a theater. That's right. Tickets to the hit Broadway musical, Jagged Little Pill, with music and lyrics by Miss Morissette and Glenn Ballard and book by the inimitable Diablo Cody. Is that true?

That's true. Wow. It's on Broadway right now, guys. We're going. Merry Christmas, everyone. Thank you very much. And whoop-de-doo. And hickory dock.

Should we move on to some overheards? Jingle, jangle. Brimble, bramble. Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt. So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day, and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the Odd Couple. Adam Scott and Jane Levy. Come on, Corey.

She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey pokey. Won't she learn what it's all about? Busy Phillips and Dave Koechner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wienerner. Baby, this is family. My Uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family. Do you want him staying with us?

He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight. A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilots Society for maximum fun. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment where, boy, oh, boy, you can hear some great stuff out there, and it would be a shame to waste it. So why not bring it here and let it ring.

Let it ring. We always like to start with the guest. Cool. Erin, would you with the guest. Cool. Aaron, would you lead the charge? Sure. All right. I have an over... Well, no, that doesn't count. I saw it this morning.

But I have an overseen that I saw this morning. You can... I'm just a poster. There's no rules. Or I have an overheard. Well, you can do both. You can do both? Okay.

I'll do both. Okay. And they're both kind of dirt. I think a lot of my... Yeah. Okay, I'll do both. Okay. And they're both kind of dirt.

I think a lot of my, yeah, I'm getting concerned about how gross and dirty and stinky my brain is getting. Like, oh, farts and jiggly butts, you know. Okay, so my oversteen. You love the lighthouse. Yeah, I did. I'm big into body horror if you want to date. Boho. if you want to date um boho uh my oversteen was there's a new um it's like a sexy um kind of like kink night and i'm not trying to kink shame anybody but the poster is like a woman in full

red latex um with like a santa thong on and kind of like christ ruffles and like a, and a, and a white wig. And I feel like she's supposed to be like Mrs. Claus. Yeah. And I just feel like, I just know that a kid is going to walk down the street and see that. And then in class they're going to be drawing like, all right, let's draw Mr. and Mrs. Claus. And they're going to draw Mrs. Claus and be like, yeah. This is a skin-tight thing, you can only see her eyes.

Classic Mrs. Claus. She unzips her mouth. She unzips her mouth, yeah. She's got cat eye contact lenses in. Classic Mrs. Claus. It's funny, the fetish balls seem to poster a lot around here they do yeah i saw well give me my ukulele

i think i feel like that was one of the few um no it's out of tune i can't even bother uh but that was one of the few christmas it's out of tune i can't even bother uh but that was one of the few christmas songs i learned was silverbell yeah oh well but anyways i think that's cool yeah hand it back roadie i just think it's kind of funny that someone's gonna see that a kid's gonna yeah i saw one a few weeks ago that was military fetish ball oh really and a kid's gonna see that and you know i think that's what the military is. Going to sign up

for the military. Yeah. That seems great. He's going to show up day one in the military in a full latex, you know, thing with the holes cut out

and all of his nipples and holes and things. People are going to be like, uh, what? I guess this guy's in charge. Now, you said you also had an overheard.

I had an overheard that I was a part of. And this was also kind of like a stinky butt story. The first one wasn't, by the way. I know, but it was kind of sexy. Yeah, it was sexy. It was a bit naughty. I was at the bus.

This one's also kind of sad, maybe. I was at the bus. Sad body horror. And I had eaten at a and w i got a veggie burger at a and w and i ate it too fast or beyond meat yeah beyond meat but i ate it at that at the a and w that's at main and terminal so there's nowhere to sit which one there's two across the street from each other oh yeah the one that's attached to the sky train station so there's no seats so you just have to stand in the window and eat it, shamefully.

Yeah, it's like a saloon. Yeah, it's really off-putting and bad. And so I ate all this bad food way too fast. My stomach kind of hurt. And then I was waiting for the bus, and I was smoking a cigarette. This is also gross. It makes your stomach all gross. And then there was a guy who was in the NW, but now he was outside of the NW.

And he had like a bike and he looked like a tough guy. He didn't look like a homeless guy. He looked like a tough, scary white guy. And he was just like, I was just waiting for the bus and I heard him being like, fuck! He's just like, oh! He's like, don't look at me,

I hate you! He was like really scary. He was scaring you. It was like really scary. It was scaring everyone. Everyone was like really scared. And then I ate too much food. So then I did quite a substantial fart, a lot of farting. And I knew it was bad. I farted.

Loud or quiet? Quiet, but it was a lot of gas. And based on the feeling I had, I knew it was a real stinker. But it was really windy out. And this guy real stinker. But it was really windy out. And this guy was scaring everyone. It was really windy out. And I was like, huh, I didn't smell my fart at all.

And then I heard about like, maybe five seconds later, he's just going like, what the fuck? He's like, gross. And he spit on the guy. And he's like, oh, nasty. What? And I was like, gross. And he spit on the guy. He's like, oh, nasty.

What? And I was like, whoa. Did you give him a look? Me and mother nature perfectly concocted to some kind of fart cloud.

Fart cloud, the scary man. Wow. Wow. Yeah. You talk about A&W a lot in that and I still don't know

what those letters stand for. You talk about A&W a lot in that, and I still don't know what those letters stand for. Dave, do you have one over here? I do. I was a... Hamburgers and woot beer. There it is. Hamburgers and woot beer.

I took Poppy swimming the other day. And as we were swimming in the little kid pool, in the main pool, there was like an aqua fit class. Yeah. I guess it's for everyone, but it was mostly older ladies. And the teacher stays on the pool deck and shows them the movements. And there's music going. And I've witnessed these before and it's usually like ABBA or, you know.

Yeah, I was thinking what kind of music would be good for Aquafed. Any aqua usually. Yeah, aqua, sure. But this one, it was like Greek music. Oh, yeah. That kind of like... But like a more,

uh, not just that tune over and over getting faster, but like a plinky player. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I believe it's called. Yeah.

Um, the, uh, but it keeps going. And it ends. And, uh, the teacher just,

it gives the most like half-hearted. Oh, uh, maybe it was a Greek holiday or something. and the teacher just gives the most half-hearted, Opa. Maybe it was a Greek holiday or something. Yeah. Just a fun, and now here's a fun shuffle. Yeah. You know? Throwing olives at them.

If I, like, I guess they have to be up on the deck to show how to do the move. They can't be in the water. In the water, yeah. Be tough, though. If you want to be in to do the move. They can't be in the water. In the water, yeah. Yes. Be tough, though. Yeah. If you want to be in that water. Yeah.

You know, when you're around a pool, you want to get in there. Yeah. You see the glisten? Yeah. All, yeah. If it's all, especially if they're showing you a cannonball. Yes. Yes.

But, you know, like, if you're in a spin class, like, the spin instructor's also on a bike. They also get to have the fun. It's funny. I've been around these classes. I know they exist. I don't know what the movements are. I could show you what they do in 80s Jazzercise, which I've also never done, but I know what it is. Yeah.

Do they still do? They do aerobics. Aerobics. Step class. Step class. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Do they still do? Is that? They do aerobics. Aerobics. Yeah, aerobics, yeah. Step class. Step class. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

It's been a while since I've been inside of a gym, so I'm not sure what's going on. I'm a Peloton guy myself. Yes. Yeah. I just watch Netflix on my Peloton. Yeah. Do you know what a Peloton is? No.

You were the star of The Sensory Season 2, which was sponsored by Peloton is? No You were the star of The Sens Serious Season 2 Which was sponsored by Peloton Oh really? Yeah Oh shit Peloton is these Are these like

Spin class bikes Soul cycle kind of bikes And you You subscribe And you Watch the classes Through Your screen

And you're like Part of the action And you're on the leaderboard and stuff well yeah yeah it's like it's like pub trivia but oh but for exercise yeah it's like big buck hunter but for exercise yeah yeah yeah exactly um do you uh did you see that they've been getting a lot of flack peloton for their christmas ad uh yes but i don't i watched the christmas ad and I was like, this is equally as bad as any Christmas ad.

Yeah, it's like they made their product a Christmas present. Yeah, it's what products do this time of year. Yeah. Put a big bow on it. I think it's the woman who gets it. She has this face.

She's doing this kind of like, I guess I'll try it. Yeah. I'm already in amazing shape, but we'll see. But I guess I might still like exercise. But yeah, people are creating a lot of backstory about her husband shaming her. To exercise?

Yeah, just like I bought you this $3,000 bike. That's a pricey bicycle. Oh, geez. Listen to this sound serious? Season two starring Aaron Reid. Yeah. To hear all the Peloton? Yeah, mostly the Peloton Reid. Yeah. To hear all the Peloton. Yeah.

Mostly the Peloton ads. Yeah. Yeah. Graham, Overheard. My Overheard is courtesy of watching the television show Jeopardy. Oh. Which I love. I didn't know you were a Jep head.

I'm a Jep head. Yeah. I like having a party party. Alex Trebek, one of the contestants, was a part-time receptionist. And at the beginning of the show that she was the returning champ to, he said, Yeah, I was discussing with Beth that yesterday she won more than she makes in a whole year. Oh, God. I was like, maybe that wasn't supposed to be on TV.

Maybe that was between you and her. That's awful. Yeah. But it just seems like he's like, had a fun banter idea, but I was like, oh. But, you know, the winnings are taxed here, so you're not leaving with everything you won. That's right. They are taxed. Like, I think generally you have to win twice on Jeopardy to make it worth your while.

Oh, really? Oh, wow. There's like an amount of money that makes it. There's like a threshold where it's like you're better off just leaving the money. I've got a number in mind i guess with money it's not as big a deal as like a car that you have to pay the tax on right that's what i was wondering insurance for yeah well speaking of watching uh oh weird stuff uh i watched the lighting of the rockefeller tree man you're loving cable oh boy i love it um and uh yeah i mean that's uh there's very little to build up to because it like it literally just

turns on and it's like one second of programming so they have to like kind of fudge it and like the rockets were there and like when stefani came out and sang. She loves that. Cool. White Christmas. She came out and sang Oi to the World. The No Doubt. Yeah. Scar Christmas song. Why didn't she do, Cause it ain't no Rockefeller

If you don't light the Rockefeller tree. I don't know why she didn't do that. Few times, but don't lighten this tree. And now with a song parody, I guess. That she's making up on the spot. This tree is enchanted. E-N-C-H-A-N-T-E-D.

Now we also have overheard sent in from people all over the world Big deal It is a big deal Okay, yeah, big deal If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org And this first one comes from Anthony in West Dundee, Illinois

Oh I thought it was going to be Scotland Two young girls, I'd say between seven and eight years old, are sitting at Panda Express waiting for their parents to bring them their food. They are about to arm wrestle when one looks the other dead in the eye and says, if I win, you have to shut down your pirates. Where were they? They were waiting at a Panda Express. They were waiting for their food to come. Shut down your pirates? What do the pirates have to do with anything? Where were they? They were waiting at a Panda Express. They were waiting for their food to come. So this is...

Shut down your pirates. What do the pirates have to do with anything? I think probably earlier that day. Were they playing Risk? Yeah, or they were, I'm the captain now, you know? Oh, boy, yeah. Yeah, a little Captain Phillips role play. I want to see Captain Phillips.

Yeah. Still saw my list. Have you never seen it? No. Oh, you'd love it. And neither have I. I saw, they ranked,

I guess maybe it was Rotten Tomatoes ranked all the Tom Hanks movies and I was like, I love Tom Hanks. Yeah. I haven't seen all these movies. I think I'd like to see

every Tom Hanks movie. Yeah. The top four were all Toy Story movies. But Captain Phillips is like, that's a solid, that's a like.

Like I loved Bridge of Spies. Yeah. spies i loved the post i love every like dumb one for the past five years why haven't i seen i love sully yeah why haven't i seen captain phillips captain phillips is like it's right in that zone yeah i don't want you to captain phillips Kevin Phillips can get it. He's like that sexy mannequin. Except you feel no shame. This next one comes from Kelly from Iowa City, Iowa. My sister went to Sprint to get a new phone. The young man helping us was really nice, and she ended up buying one.

She ended up marrying. Yeah. This is a really romantic story you guys. After everything was wrapped up, he presented her with a giant reusable shopping bag as a gift for buying something on Black Friday. As we were walking away, we heard him say very quietly, but politely,

have fun with your big dumb bag. We probably had to hand out so many during the day yeah yeah like this will be a fun promotion yeah give everybody a giant bag for their tiny phone that they bought yeah i don't know what's going on you know what i mean i uh bought a new iphone a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah. And it came with a year of Apple Plus. Oh, wow. The TV streaming. Oh, you can watch the show about a breakfast television show?

Yeah. Yeah. You can watch the one about Jason Momoa in Land of the Blind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one about Emily Dickinson? It's called Dickinson. Do they all have question marks at the end of them? It's Apple question mark. It's not like Netflix or Disney Plus where there's new programming and a bunch of classic stuff you like.

It's just 10 shows. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. I think they maybe redid Ghostwriter. Wow. Ghostwriter. Do you remember that show?

Very vaguely. I know that it was about a ghost in a computer. No, it was a ghost who could just like find words all over the room. Oh, and would try and communicate? Yeah. That's cool. That is cool. And it was educational, I assume.

Yeah, it was on PBS. It starred, boy, there's a kid on it. I watched it a lot. It was a very, I feel like I watched it, I spent a summer watching it every day. It became part of my

like summer routine when I was 14. Yeah. Uh, one of the actors on it was named Sheldon Turnip Seed. The Turnip Seed family.

Yeah. He goes around the country planting turnips. Yeah. Sheldon Turnip Se family. Yeah. He goes around the country planting turnips. Sheldon turnip seed. Amen. The Lord is good to me. Hey, Merry Christmas, everyone.

And also the other holidays. All the other holidays. Enjoy them. I think it's actually Hanukkah started yesterday. As opposed to at the time of this release. Happy Hanukkah to you um

this finally this finally through the rap Hanukkah is that time of year uh huh next line uh huh where

Jewish people do not fear there you go nice Hanukkah Hanukkah ho ho ho no. Hanukkah. Ho, ho, ho, ho, no, no. Hanukkah.

This last one comes from Kala M. At my college that is attached to a high school. No! Not again. Is it the same one? The same one. Campbell River, by the way. I saw the archaeology teacher

walking out of the school with an Indiana Jones hat this was nowhere near Halloween it's his regular hat if you're an archaeology professor or instructor are you discounted from dressing like Indiana Jones in any way shape or form no I think that everyone knows that's why you got into it that's right yeah come on yeah or if you're paleo paleontology teacher you want to dress like ross from friends yeah or uh jeff goldblum from jurassic park you know nice black all black he was a paleontologist what was he a chaos theory chaos theorist yeah's right. What if someone was really subtly dressed as the detective, lead detective from the Bone Collector? And no one ever really knew or asked them.

That one they knew. They had to mention it once in a while. This look looks a lot like the Bone Collector. If you go over to their apartment, they have a giant framed poster of the Bone Collector. Bone Collector? Yeah. Is that about archaeology? I collect bones.

I don't know about these. They look like bones and stuff. I know it overlaps. Yeah. If you're an archaeology student, it would be hard not to write, I love you on your eyelids. On your eyelids, absolutely. And then sleep through class, I guess, was the plan.

Is that three? That's three. In addition to overhe herds that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is easy to remember 1-844-779-7631 that's one spy pod one like these people have one like these people have. Hey folks, it's Cam from Texas calling with an overseen that was texted to me from my brother. He texted me two texts at like 930 in the morning. The first said, two guys sitting across from me on the train are taking huge bowls of vodka straight out of the bottle. The second text said, it looks like they're each holding a casserole.

All right, off I go. Each holding their own casserole? Yeah. Wow. I mean, that feels like it's probably a Thanksgiving trip. Yeah. Yeah. The story starts out sad, but ends warm and gooey.

Yeah. Oh, boy. I like seeing somebody walking down the street with a bit of crockery. Yeah, that's nice. Do you make a casserole ever? On an occasion.

I mean, it's been a while. Yeah. It's been a while since I made a casserole. There you go. I'll do like, we just do macaroni and cheese but sometimes we'll shove some broccoli in there.

Sure. Is goulash a casserole? Huh. I don't know. Do you make a goulash? My mom used to make goulash. What is a goulash? It's like turkey meat and tomato sauce and...

Do you bake it in crock and ware? Nope. It's not a casserole. It's like a stew? Yeah. I think it's just pasta. I don't really know pasta. I don't really know. Mmm, rada.

Lasagna is basically a casserole. Yeah. For all intents and purposes. Nachos are kind of a casserole. What? Oh, man. I mean, I guess they need to be wetter. I guess enchiladas are a cast.

Yes. That's what I'm talking about. No doubt. Few times I've been around that truck. My favorite No Doubt song. When the Rockettes aren't doing the kick line thing, you're like, get to the kick line thing. What else do they do?

They kind of do choreography. Oh. Silly, silly choreography. Yeah, like Jabberwockies. Yeah. But then when that kick starts happening, you're like, yep, this is why. This is why they're world renowned. They're like the most famous dance group, them and Jabberwockies.

Yep. Name a more famous dance group. Oh, the Fly Girls. That's true. But only because Jennifer Lopezifer lopez was one yeah i don't know any other dance group but i don't watch the bullshy uh yes here's your final second overheard actually hi dave graham impossible guest this is michael calling in from tempe and uh have an overheard for you a few years ago I was an extra in a movie.

It was a bad movie. Don't worry about it. And a fellow extra I overheard saying yeah, I hate fantasy movies. Well, except Twilight because I really want to fuck a vampire. Anyways,

that's all I've got. I mean, that's the dream. Yeah. To have sex with a vampire is the number one dream, right? And not be bitten? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to get away with it. You know?

To have sex with a vampire, no repercussions. Have you seen all the Twilights? I've seen the first and I saw whichever one we watched. We saw Doug Love's movies. Yeah, yeah. So we missed the sex. Yeah.

Because in that one, they have a baby. Yeah. And she's very chaste in the first one. Is she a vampire too? No, she's a human girl. Yeah. Oh. But eventually.

But anyone you know, I mean, you wouldn't know them, but any child born in the last 10 years named Bella is named after her. Oh, really? Oh, no. And any child named Blade, you know, is a bit older. Yeah. Blade was a vampire because he was pregnant when his mom got bit, right? Blade was pregnant?

No, no. Sorry. When she was pregnant with Blade. Oh. I don was pregnant no no sorry she was when she was pregnant with blade oh i don't know what his christian name was gonna be but but when she was being delivered the a vampire bit when she was being delivered my brain is not working when she was delivering the baby wasn't't she bit? No, it was DiGiorno. But yeah, it was definitely, yeah. He was like a second.

Because he's a half vampire. Yeah, half vampire. Yeah. Oh. Vampire, that's how he was able to. How do you only get to be half vampire? Because he didn't get bit, but he's. But he had vampire blood transfused. Into him, his soul.

Yeah. I mean, a half vampire is what the Twilight Kid is because that's right. Because they're a human woman

and a bone crushing vampire banging dead. Yeah. They break the bed is all I know in the sex because they're very

powerful at thrusting. Oh, vampires are? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Vampires, fuck. And then don't they have to have a C-section because the baby's going to chomp its way out?

Something like that. And then also the werewolf has imprinted on the baby. What does that mean? Like the way that... The connection? Yeah, like the way that a wolf would imprint on its newborn pup. Yeah. The wolf has done that with her baby.

It's very complex. You think your love life is getting messy. And here's your final phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and guest. This is Julia from East Bay, California, and I'm currently doing laundry, and they have a bunch of little games and things for kids and whatnot, you know, the usual laundry fair.

The dad and his kid, the kid's probably about six, I'm sitting right next to a pinball machine, and the little kid walks up to it and exclaims, jukebox, it's a jukebox! And the dad says, it's a pinball machine. And the kid, without even stopping, just changes from jukebox to pinball! He's just as excited. And they played like two games, changes from jukebox to pinball.

He was just as excited. And they played like two games and he just non-stop hit the flippers the whole time going, oh! Anyway, okay.

Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Off I go. Sure did. Yeah. That was nice. Thanks for coming. What is more exciting to see, a pinball machine or jukebox that's tough i mean pinball i fear feel is jukebox is more rare

yeah yeah but as a kid i don't know any of these songs. I can hear music anytime I want on the radio. That's true, but you can pick to hear this diamond ring. Depends on the pinball. If it's Bram Stoker's Dracula pinball, I'm in. Yeah. Like, what if it's Kiss pinball? I'm in. You're in.

Do you pinball? I like to pinball. I wish I was better at it. Yeah, I know. I've never been good at it either. No. You just got to find the right machine. Yeah?

Yeah. I think you have to just do it a lot. You have to do it a lot. And I feel I don't have the patience for it. I get bored. Yeah. Yeah, like, and I don't know what I'm doing. That's the other part.

And sometimes it'll be like, oh, three balls are coming out at once. Yeah. Is that good or am I in trouble? The only thing that I always never got about pinball was all the stuff happening on screen and noises. Yeah. Triple score. You can't take your eyes off, but they'll do whole scenes. You'll play a Star Wars one and be like,

Vroom, vroom, vroom. What are you doing in the plan? I don't know. In Platoonio. And there's like, I'm over here. And you're like, what the fuck was that? There's like a story. I can't pay attention

to that story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Cutscenes. Yeah, cutscenes. While the game's going. Yeah. And they're all in just like

red light on black background. Yeah. Yeah, I remember playing a gig at a casino and there being Ghostbusters not pinball but what is that called? DLT?

Oh, slot machine. Slot machine, Jesus. But just having the same cut scene over and over and over again. Oh, God. Yeah, but from the original Ghostbusters. You could just hear it in the background. Yes, that's true. This man has no dick. Yeah. But from the original Ghostbusters, you could just hear it in the background. Yes, that's true. This man has no dick.

Yeah. I played a Judge Judy slot machine once. Oh, cool. You just did a slot machine, but you just had to, if you got three desks, that was a win. If you got three gavels, that was a win. Yeah. They were just very mundane objects from a court

yeah yeah and it was Judge Judy was the big payoff yeah and she did she say like did she say

her catchphrases don't pee on my leg and tell me it's ice cream or whatever oh yeah no she didn't you shouldn't be spending your money here

keep your receipts gambling is an addiction yeah get out of here go see your family well that brings us to the end of the episode here Aaron

this comes out this is our the 23rd this comes out the 23rd of December that's my birthday it's your birthday on the 23rd

wow happy birthday thank you do you have anything coming up birthday. It's your birthday? On the 23rd. Wow. Happy birthday. Thank you. Do you have anything coming up either this week or in the new year that you want to plug? Yeah. In

February, as part of JFL Northwest, Hell Night. Hell Night. Is happening. Hell Night's a show where me and an alien named Gordman host a stand-up show. Who may be played by your real-life roommate. Yeah, Christine Borch.

Bortdog. Bortdog. Bortdog. Yeah, the premise is I have to put on a really good show for Gordman. We're roommates because I used to pay for Crave on my credit card, but my credit card expired. So if I don't put on a good show, Gorbin will kill me.

So I get regular guests, good stand-ups, like you've been on it. Yeah. And then Gorbin brings up... I did it with one monster hand. Yeah, that was great. And then Gorbin brings his nightmare guests. We've had a barfing raver.

We had three improvisers from New York called Boss Baby, but they all just wore diapers and one of them shit themselves. It's body horror. It's body horror. There's one in February. That's in February. Is there one in December? There's one in December,

but I guess this won't come out. Oh yeah, there is! Shit! Oh, never mind. There's one December 27th. Come to that one. Come to that one first, because that one is first. Yeah, wet your beak there. Yeah one December 27th So come to that one Come to that one first Cause that one is first Yeah wet your beak there Yeah December 27th At Little Mountain Gallery

Get your tickets It rules It's fun I'm gonna try to go to that one Oh cool It's really fun And we're gonna try and cook up Some really messed up stuff for it

Okay Nice Yeah Nice That's it Okay Thank you so much for being our guest Thank you for having me

Hey Always fun Anytime Yeah Dave anything to That's it. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you for having me. It's always fun. Anytime. Dave, anything to... Tune in next week for our countdown of the top 10 things from the millennium. No, the decade. Top 10 things of the decade. And they can be anythings.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Can't wait to see I guess on this list, do we want to do like our, uh, do you have anything to plug this? Nope. Do you want to do our,

uh, famous Christmas duet? Um, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away,

a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim he's added something he's added something

real nice to it thanks everybody for listening have a pleasant holiday season and

if you like the show tell your friends to come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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