Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 618 - Nima Gholamipour

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

Comedian Nima Gholamipour returns to talk dance class, business class, and Happy Days.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 618 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, man, he went out this morning, had a whole world of wintertime fun, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, we were recording this at 11 in the morning.

Margot has a birthday party at noon. I was like, we gotta get, we had snowfall overnight. Yeah. margo has a birthday party at noon i was like we gotta get we had snowfall overnight yeah and it's sunday so if this is like the only opportunity we would have to go sledding so you went to church yes we went we went to church uh we go to like a 6 a.m church uh it's like a runner's church like a jogging church like a spin class church? Yes. A Peloton church. Yeah. Dog walking church.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we did brunch. We got wasted off mimosas. And then we went to a little hill. And you know what? It was very wet and sloppy and not great snow. And just a big, like, leaving big brown skid marks behind us as we went down the hill. That reminds me of my youth.

Our guest today, returning guest to the podcast, very funny comedian, writer, producer? Sure, he produces shows.'s nema galami por hello hey what's up everyone hi nema hey do you leave any skid marks anywhere this morning no all right all right cool cool um should we get to know us? Sure. Get to know us. Nima. Hey. It's been a while since you've been on. Yeah.

Yeah. It has been. Yeah. How are things? Things now or things? Yeah. How are things now? Things are great.

Wait, what was the other option? Alternative. It's just been a wild year. Yeah. Yeah. 2019? Oh, okay. 2019 was crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. Lots of ups, lots of downs. Big ups ups big elating ups and downs yeah yeah tell us about the ups yeah ups uh you know i'm finding myself okay oh cool i gained a little bit of wisdom and shit i wasn't expecting wisdom i was expecting weight yeah i gained a little bit of weight what wisdom you gained i gained in weight i think i gained in weight too yeah well that's uh you know uh part and parcel that's a you know buddha is one of the wisest how often i'm losing my hair are you yeah where but then i found out recently that it might be like a bit of alopecia so i'm trying to like revive it oh oh how do you revive the peach steroids yeah okay here we go be gaining more than hair. Top of my head's going to be so buff.

Maybe that's what it is. Those folds? Are those folds just like your head being buff? Oh, yeah. Timberland has that. Yeah, six pack for the back of your head kind of thing. Whenever I get my hair cut at the very end, when she's showing for the back of your head kind of thing. Yeah. Whenever I get my hair cut at the very end, I try to like when she's showing me the back of my head, I try to get the folds.

The rolls. I'm doing it right now. I just go, I just go like, I know I'm balding. But where are you balding? I'm looking at you right now. You're not balding. Well, I got to turn my head. Okay. Oh, you got to turn my head. Okay.

Oh, you got, yeah, okay. Oh, oh, oh. But that doesn't look like balding. That looks like it's worn off. Yeah, that's the alopecia. Yeah, it's outside of the pattern, of the male pattern. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. So, but where you would be balding, you're not balding. Well, I'm thinning. Well, we're all thinning. Except in the middle section, we're all right. Your hairline is very still low and straight. Yeah. Yeah, that's a new cut I'm going with.

It's cool. Because it's like, yeah, I used to have curly hair, so I just would have a different, like, hairstyle. But now that it's no longer, like, thick, I need to... I shave it down, and it looks nicer this way i think i think i'd like to have curly hair yeah curly hair well you know what that's an option you can curl it you do don't you no i have the he's got very he's got very straight very fine straight hair doesn't everyone have like curly hair down there okay oh yeah let's get into it if mine is stock straight down there my mind looks like the statue of liberty's crown

it's spiky it's spiky very hard to find underwear the king's crown oh boy boy. Yeah, okay. Mine is just like, I guess Cousin It. Just long and straight. Kind of like a 90s Alanis Morissette. I put a little harmonica

in there sometimes too. And the other one's giving a peace sign. Oh boy. That musical I think is going to be touring Canada soon. Oh, okay. Yeah. What's it called? Jagged Little Pill.

Jagged Little Pill. Oh shit. I don't know this one. It's based on the music of Alanis Morissette. They made it into a musical Yeah Like the way they did Across the Universe With the Beatles

Yeah Sure It's a jukebox musical Yeah I don't know I don't know if it's Specifically that album Or if it's her whole career I think it's

That album plus New songs Oh good Yeah Written by Taylor Swift And Andrew Lloyd Webber So Gaining wisdom Gaining it the hard way Oh, good. Yeah. Written by Taylor Swift and Andrew Lloyd Webber. So, gaining wisdom, gaining it the hard way or the easy way?

Reading books or having to make mistakes? What's the hard way? Books, right? Mistakes are easy. I mean, I have trouble finishing books. You know why? Too long. Too long. Yeah, too many words finishing books. You know why? Too long. Too long.

Yeah, too many words. Yeah, it's true. If every book was half its length and then half that. Well, like every Malcolm Gladwell book is just like, there's a paragraph about it and you get the whole thing, right? Right. It's just like a concept. And then he proves it and proves it and proves it and proves it. Yeah, like I read a book. I'm guessing I haven't read any.

I read a book like that where it was every chapter. I was like, no, this was the same as the, yeah, this was the same idea as the previous chapter. Just kind of reworded and expanded on a little bit, but yeah.

And then sometimes I find like, I'll, I'll read a paragraph and then I'll be like, what was that? And then I'll have to read it again. And then I'm like, I'll, I'll read a paragraph and then I'll be like, what was that? And then I'll have to read it again. And then I'm like on a bus and then I get self-conscious about like staying on a page for too long. Absolutely.

You, let me tell you, you're the only one who's self-conscious on the bus. Everybody else is just letting it all hang out on the bus. I, uh uh i have a kindle oh yeah and uh it like measures i don't know if it's measuring just the average time it takes to read but it's like four minutes left in this chapter oh that'd be so stressful yeah and i also feel like because sometimes my kids just like find it and i lose the page and they'll just hit forward forward forward forward and then does my Kindle think I'm a fast reader now? And now I,

I can't keep up to its expectations of me. It's like slow down. Yeah. Slow down. Yeah. Dave, enjoy the book. This is your fifth Malcolm Gladwell this week.

Yeah. Well, I've got this big book shelf full of books in my garage next to my Lamborghini, but I'm more proud of the books. I read a thousand books a year. What happened to that guy? Is that guy still alive? Is he still with us?

Hi, Lopez? Yeah. Who's that? He was like a YouTube ad. YouTube influencer guy? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I know. But like a think fluencer?

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe that's what I'll be this year, a think-fluencer. Now, how do you do that? Get a Lamborghini? Yeah, you start with a Lambo. You know what? Honestly, I'm more proud of the books, though.

Because he showed books, too, right? He showed books? He showed books, yeah. Yeah, in the commercial. He had a bookshelf in his garage. More proud of the books? It's also a weird place for a bookshelf. Yeah. Yeah. In the garage. Yeah yeah in the commercial bookshelf in his garage more proud of the books it's also a weird place for a bookshelf yeah yeah in the garage yeah in the garage what is what do you have in your house that doesn't allow you space for a bookshelf within your lamborghini

filled garage where he's like i have 18 fridges that's why i have my wife hates books but she's horny all the time I don't want to screw this up Oh man That's what anybody's looking for right Somebody's horny all the time All the time But it's like very hot and cold And like if i see a book it's over

do you have a uh a big bookshelf in your in your house in your home no my books are on the ground yeah yeah yeah i pile them up that's very that's like a real bohemian kind of look. Yeah. But then it collects dust, which sucks. They collect dust on the shelf, too. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Floor dust is kind of grosser. Yeah, you're right. I think you get hair and bunnies.

Yeah. That's true. You're getting all of the dust that wasn't fit for you. Silver worms. Or silverfish. Silverfish, yeah. Silverfish. Where do they come from from i think they come from books the pipes there yeah i don't know places is that right i think so because when i was a uh landlord i don't think we had problems with them or we did but people were nice about it but i

don't think there's anything you can do. No, they, uh, they, they're with us always. Yeah. They're just part and parcel of living in society. You know what I mean? It's like the rich and poor. They're like,

they're not good. They're not harmful. Um, I don't think so, but they are, they're gross. Yeah. They're gross.

And they're, um, they bum you out. Alicia Tobin always compared them to the, the guys in men in Black, the little guys that drink martinis and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's whenever I see a silverfish, I think of those party guys drinking a martini. Reminds me of, what's the other one? Earworms? Earwigs?

Earwigs. Yeah. They kind of look like them But less intimidating I guess I think we I remember once we went to a restaurant And who directed Little Women? Gerwig

Yes the earwigs, gerwigs Headwig Oh yeah that's right And the angry silverfish What was the Australian band of teenagers oh silver chair do you remember silver chair no oh they were they were good i guess they were like the great name great name they were kind of an angrier version of hansen yeah they were angry hans angry australian hansen yeah um they really did uh like so they were they really did, uh, like,

so their, their first album came out when they were 16. And it was really like, their second came out, like when they were 17. And it was some real teenager, uh, lyrics. Yeah.

No more maybes, your baby's got rabies. And they wrote them themselves. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. With Andrew Lloyd Webber. They wrote them themselves. Yeah, with Andrew Lloyd Webber. They wrote the lyrics.

Imagine having not just a record of what you were thinking as a teenager, but having multiple records that also everybody has access to. But at least they made a lot of money off of it. That's true. They did all right there's plenty of teenage bands who did not were not as successful maybe that's what i'll do this afternoon is look on youtube for bad teenage bands stop googling teens okay so you're reading books yeah you're getting Did you have any, did you get any wisdom from the, the,

from the mistakes? Yeah. The easy way. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Yeah, I guess so.

All right. Yeah. That's it. Um, what else was, what else were some of the high points of, uh, of our year 2019,

2019. Um, so long ago. Yeah. Closer with my family. That's good. That's nice's nice yeah like physically or emotionally both i guess yeah okay um uh my brother and i like we're at a really good place we're like really good friends now which is good that's cool it's so sick yeah yeah yeah um what's the age diff

six years six years yeah Is he older or younger? Younger. Nice. Nice. So we're, we're kind of like, uh, like my dad and my brother and I, we are like the, uh, art side of the family. Uh huh. Kind of like we're, we're animators and he's a graphic designer and I'm motion graph. I do motion graphics and stuff and I write and stuff.

Um, and we always like talk about that. And my mom's kind of like kind of left out sometimes. And I feel, I feel for her, but she was just like telling me, she was like, I don't mind it. I love it.

Yeah. Because all, all her guys are getting along. Her boys. Yeah. What, what is motion graphics? It's like a graphic design, but moving kind of. So, and I guess there's different, there's different kinds.

There's like, you could do motion graphics could be like, uh, like, um, CGI, like stuff that are in movies, like special effects and stuff. And then, uh, they could also be like, be like credits or like, you know, like info titles moving around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or yeah.

Do any of those things that are like, like some, some goo getting sliced that people find very relaxed. Yeah. And those like 3d like images. Oh, you can do those. I can't do those.

Yeah. I do. I do 2d stuff. I don't. Oh boy. Can you do some 2d goo getting sliced? can try yeah sure 3d is way more like comforting though okay relaxing that's true um uh is that like because i i was uh talking i was at a party and I was talking to a guy who was like an animator and he specialized in like liquid. Like that's like, so like in Black Panther during this scene, there's like a scene in a waterfall.

He was like that. Me and like five other guys, we were just the water. Wow. Some piss freaks. No way. When he gets home, he wants dry. He's had enough water all day. He goes home, he looks at pictures of sand.

Yeah, and restaurants are like, more water? No, thank you. No, no, no. I've had enough. If I have to look at one more drop of water today, I'll plot. You know what? I i just saw i saw cats yesterday yes we talked about it last week yeah we talked about it yeah absolutely oh my goodness how how was how was that for there's got to be a guy for all the water guys there's got to

be fur guys yeah there was definitely there was a lot of fur work in that movie yeah hair yeah hair specialists yeah yeah but but i wouldn't say specialist i would say they were they were hair people but they didn't seem to know what they were doing because it uh i don't understand why they didn't just have them in costumes like yeah because i watched uh an old psa for uh like Drive Drive Safely that starred the cast of Cats and I was like well they could have just worn these costumes in the movie

it would have been just as good throw in a few effects it almost seems like it could have been just easier like no kidding of course it could have been easier so why are they doing CGI they made it as hard for themselves as possible.

They made every choice the wrong choice. Did you like it? It was really funny. It was really fun. It was really fun. I've heard people complaining that it was boring. That was not the case for me. No, I didn't find it boring.

I had a smile on the whole time. for me no i didn't find it i had a smile on the whole time yeah yeah it's uh there's like a part in it where i was like man james corden thinks this is so funny there was a part where i feel like he probably improv'd a little bit oh yeah where they were trying to jump on the teeter-totter with him yeah yeah he does some dialogue and i was like this is all cordon this wasn't written there's clearly like you can you can notice those scenes too yeah it's like it looks like they just rolled a couple times and the actor just went off and you could just tell like this is the cut like this is this is the scene that's not written in the script. Yeah. Did they let any of the dancers improvise? Yeah, Leigh Twins were in it.

Who? Leigh Twins. Who? Are they like Jabbawockeez? No, they're like this dance duo. They're twins. They're from France. And they're really good at dancing.

Were they cats? They were cats, yeah. And I think they were also, and they're really good at dancing. Were they cats? They were cats, They were cats. And I think they were in Men in Black International as well. Oh, they were the break dancing ones. Oh,

that sucked. I mean, I'm sure they're very talented, but that was, every time that happened, I was like, this sucks. Like,

there'll be like a really jazzy song playing and everyone will be dancing and then there's a break that's like, boom, ch-ch-chow, boom, ch-ch-chow. The fact that they had to be like, okay, let's bring the break dancing cats out like that just was everybody in the audience put your break dancing glasses on oh man but yeah i think those twins are also in men in black international

if uh my viewing of somebody else's screen on the plane was correct my instagram algorithm is just them dancing oh really yeah like what's the explore explore section your instagram is that yeah yeah it's just like dancers because i got really obsessed with like watching yeah like dancers bust moves mine's guitar players oh really yeah whoa that's soothing and and slime right getting? And goo getting chopped. I'm sorry I said that sucked. I feel bad for saying that sucked. It sucked.

Yeah, it's true. No part of the movie doesn't suck. Who? Now, when they inevitably get nominated for so many Razzies, will anybody show up? Because you know how some years, like, uh, like Halle Berry, Halle Berry.

Yeah. Because she won the Oscar the same year that she won the Razzie. Really? Catwoman and Monsters Ball. I think it was the same year. And she showed up and like accepted the award. That's range. Yeah.

But like that would rule if somebody from that movie was like, I'm going to go. Judy. Yeah. Judy Dench. Judy Dench. Or, uh, Jason Derulo. rule if somebody from that movie was like yeah i'm gonna go judy yeah judy dench judy dench or uh jason de brulo or any of them really yeah um you gotta watch this featurette that they put out uh i think the same day the trailer came out everybody's so serious about the movie yeah yeah oh yeah i think i saw like a couple.

Yeah. But a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And just about how this movie, like, we've assembled the best talent in the world. And it's just going to be great. How could it go wrong? Yeah.

It couldn't. I love that. Like, actors just like hyping up a movie that is clearly shit. But at the time, I feel like they didn't know. I feel like they just don't know all the time. Not all the time. I think sometimes like they're on set and they're like, oh, this is bad.

This is going to be bad. But like with this one where there's so much like special effects added, they must have been like, well, I did a good job. I think we're doing well. Yeah. Yeah. And we recorded the songs before.

They sound good. The guy who's directing it, he's like an Oscar-nominated director. Oh, really? What did he make? He did the King's Speech. Oh, what? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah. This guy does it all. He did the Les Mis one as well with Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Yeah. Now, your algorithm shows you a bunch of dancers. Yeah. You a dancer?

I used to be. Or not really. Well, I like dancing. Yeah. I feel like I'm average At dancing Did you ever like Take instruction for dancing

Yeah Oh really I think you're above average I'm just gonna tell you You're above average Because the average person Does not like dancing Yeah that's true

The average person And they suck And they're terrified of it Yeah Um If uh They suck They do If you go they should be in cats.

What type of dancing were you instructed in? In high school, I was in the breakdance club. You were in a club? Yeah. More a squad. Yeah. Yeah. Crew.

Grocer. A gang. Breakdance gang. Did uh uh what was your specialty uh did you do this dave's doing the arm worm i want to call it don't have a lot of space here otherwise i would really be able to bust out a great one the silver fish yeah uh i don't know i i was like oh i was on the cusp of learning how to do the uh the windmill with that's on your back it's like yeah you're spinning your legs are in the air and you're like you're just so do you do like stuff like on the ground the spinning

like just floor kind of any floor work. Yeah. I did floor work. Yeah. I wasn't, I wasn't like very good, but it was like, it was, you're better than the both of us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Although we don't put down a patch of linoleum. Let's see how we do. That's true. We're like, um, we're like the North American equivalent of those twins. Um, the twins. The twins. Oh. And then recently I went to a house dance class what is what is house

dancing is like it's like tap dancing and kind of like jazzier but like hip-hop like cool house music so you're not like it's a lot of footwork it's like a lot of it's it's hoppier and uh it ruled my it ruled my ass it ruled your ass it was so hard oh yeah did you you went to one class one class

and you were like this is like I'm out yeah I thought it was it was like a drop in and then I went with some friends and it was just like

really hard sounds like me the time I I tried capoeira and I was like I'm gonna beat all these guys up you tried

you actually tried capoeira no no was like, I'm going to beat all these guys up. You tried, you actually tried capoeira? No. No, you didn't. Could anything be scary? Yeah. Trying capoeira. They're all like,

everybody breaks out a tambourine. I don't see, I don't, I never see like kids in starter capoeira. I only see like super buff, like guys who can stand on one hand. Yeah. Yeah. Where like, uh uh i would be so i would be crazy intimidated to drop into uh any kind of dance class right because i feel like i wouldn't

be able to follow along like i would just lose and and then everybody'd be like who brought who brought the chump that's bringing everybody down. Right. I felt like that. Do you feel like everybody else there had been to multiple classes? I think they had some sort of intro screening or something. I don't know. I went in a little bit cocky. I know how to dance. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll keep up. I felt like I went in being like i'll keep up it'll be fine yeah and then by the end i was like stumbling and like not like i just lost my rhythm it was really weird i guess to choreography it's like harder yeah yeah yeah um and then they made a cyphered at the end like dance battle at the end oh oh jesus yeah it was like the most stressful time. Have you seen that Fresh Prince where Aunt Viv goes to a dance class? Yeah. She really shows everyone up,

but then at the end, she walks out of the class and collapses. Yeah. That rules. That rules my ass. So at the end of this, I'm assuming an intro class, you're not going to an advanced class.

No, yeah. They're like, okay, now battle some stranger. Yeah. That's what would happen if you went to Capoeira. Yes. Now take. Now kill Dave. Is there any.

The god of Capoeira demands a sacrifice. Is this something you do a lot like try new classes and things or is this a new thing this is a new thing i think yeah me too i didn't do anything for a long time and yeah i started some things would you want to do things uh no i'm too i'm too uh intimidated of looking like an like an idiot in front of people who know what they're doing. Truly. Like, if it was, if I was assured that everybody there

also sucked, then I would. Or just one person sucks more than you. That's important. That's true. Or if they're all there, but they can't see you.

Yeah. Yeah. Like in the dark. Yeah. Dancing in the dark. I wonder if that, could that be a business where I'll go to a that, could that be a business where

I'll go to a class, I'll be the suckiest guy in class. Oh, yeah. So that you will look slightly better. Yeah. And I'll go different.

Yeah. Like, like it's just an extra 10 bucks on top of whatever you're paying to go see that yoga class or whatever. And then I go in

and I just flub it. Hey, you broke this spin bike. These things are supposed to be indestructible. Yeah. Well, that's great. That could work for gym businesses too. Yeah. Like you just get hired to go in with this person

to look worse than them yeah that's great so that they feel like they're free to kind of learn yeah worrying about being that's great and you're just a good friend no no this is all money yeah this is a business right right um i'm not here to make friends yeah that's right i'm here to make you look good but i'm not here yeah it's like the opposite of a personal trainer. Yeah, personal, just a dope. Just a dope, yeah. Kind of like a fitness wingman.

Yeah. Yeah. Where you're just taking the pressure off. That's great. That's a great business. Yeah, it's not bad. Dragons? Yeah.

Do you watch a lot of Dragons, Dan? I used to. Not anymore. i was obsessed yeah yeah that and shark tank i would i even watched some clips of uh the british dragons den just because there was no new episodes of either for me to watch right yeah just to get a fix yeah it's so hard to convert the money though yeah and also their ideas were very you know

here's the thing that will collect crumbs yes new kind of meat pie is there different versions like

yeah it's all around the world it's all over the world yeah that'd be cool to see like is the first one Asian is that why we ended up with dragons i think so yeah and then there's one i can't remember if it's like maybe it's in malaysia and it was like the title something like you just won sixty thousand dollars $60,000. It's very specific.

But yeah, they're different animals in different parts of the world. Oh, cool. Yeah. But it's all like business leaders of this area. And then that's interesting. Yeah.

We don't really have a, I guess shark. Like there's nothing, there's no animal that's culturally significant in Canada. That is also like a business animal. That's true. The goose business no animal That's culturally significant In Canada That is also like A business animal That's true The goose Business goose

That's true Goose Goose in a necktie You do have those long necks Yeah Multiple ties Have you guys ever thought of like An idea

Of for like a dragon's den Yeah Or like This will be great Multiple times. Have you guys ever thought of like an idea? For like a dragon's den? Yeah. Or like this will be great. Like kind of like an entrepreneur. A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about how come there isn't an umbrella that you don't have to hold. There's a head umbrella. Yeah, but like that, I feel I feel, only covers your head.

I want coverage. I want wide coverage. So, like, some sort of umbrella that you clip, like, it goes on your shoulder. Backpack umbrella or something. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. I think that's my pitch. Nice. And I'm looking for $150,000 for 10% equity in my company.

Oh, you are valuing your company at 1.5. Okay. Do you have any sales so far? Well, we did a Kickstarter and it was very successful. And we've got some pre-orders from Rona. Okay. Where's the money? Oh, I forgot that Neva's the king of mean.

Hey, buddy, where's the money? How do we make money off this? Is that Kevin O'Leary? Yeah, this is my Kevin O'Leary. That's pretty good. He was driving that boat. Hey, buddy, where's the money? Where's the money?

Where's the money? That's my Kevin O'Leary. Now you do yours. Honey, I need you to cover for me. I was driving this boat. Yeah. Yeah. Allegedly, this is all a legend.

Oh my God. Do you have any ideas? I thought of one. Yeah, I guess people can take it, run with it. Yeah. I'd love to see it. I'd love to see it out there. Yeah.

But okay. But I think, yeah, I talked to a friend and he said that it probably has to be like incorporated into some sort of app that we already use uh like uh facebook or instagram because we're all using that yeah so it's like no one's gonna install a new app right to yeah but it's like a recipe, like kind of like a social media account. Okay. So, okay. So like everyone, like you could just like post your recipe and take a photo of like the dish you know how to make well.

And then you can, you could share it with your friends and you just like have followers of your, to your account or whatever. Yeah. And then, uh, family members could have like private recipes that you can, I think this is actually legit. It could work.

Yeah. Cause like, uh, so, so I'm on Facebook and it's got like, um, my, these are,

this is the pages. I like photos and then recipes. I like this. Yeah. Just like a, like a new like photos and then rest and recipes. I like this. Yeah. Just like a, like a new tab. Yeah. A new tab.

I like this. Yeah. Yeah. Cause like, do you have a recipe that's like your, yeah. What is the name of your go-to? Uh,

Hmm. I know how to make good carbonara. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's like, I make it fast and I make it good. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. It's pretty easy though fast and i make it good yeah yeah that's pretty good

it's pretty easy though carbon is pretty easy pastas are pretty easy that's all i really know how to do i don't have any like fancy like i was watching like a jamie oliver episode all of his shit's too fancy you know what i mean yeah and uh like yeah What's your max Ingredient Count Yeah Like Under ten For sure How about you What's your specialty I made meatballs

Yesterday Oh yeah Scratch From scratch With the children Uh They'll be missed Oh that's a funny

Funny joke Uh Soylent green Meatball uh no i um uh but yeah mostly past this but also there's like barbecuing i would just rather barbecue than anything which is the easiest yeah yeah yeah just like the fact that there's barbecuing shows i'm like there's nothing there's not enough yeah flip it flip it i use this kind of wood we don't have that every different kind of barbecue can you barbecue over a dura flame um but yeah i would love to know like like, you know, somebody's. Yeah, somebody's lasagna recipe or something.

Because I would just literally, if I was, like, looking for a lasagna recipe, I would just Google lasagna recipe, whichever was the first one that popped up. Yeah, yeah. I follow a bunch of food Instagrams. Yeah. Oh, nice. And, like, you have your bookmarks. Like, you can like pictures, but you can also bookmark them.

And I bookmark all these recipes, and I never go back. Because Instagram just doesn't, like, it's very, you know, it's visual. Yeah. But then I have to, like, find, like, then I'll have to, like, Google what I just looked at to find the actual recipe. then I'll have to like Google what I just looked at to find the actual recipe. Yeah. And there's also like, uh, you know,

you gotta go find all the parts. You know what I mean? How about if the app was like, it had, it was like the IMDB of recipes. Okay. Where like, it's,

it's starring, you know, starring spaghetti. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, it's it's starring you know starring spaghetti oh i see yeah yeah and uh it's and butter and then you're like okay well i have three of these ingredients uh but i i'm allergic to whatever nuts yeah and i uh this is good and then yes can i then um give me a recipe that has these things that's like this one but like an algorithm that you can just be like, I have this. What are my options? Yeah.

I'm sure there's something like that. I'm sure there, I'm not sure there is. Because it's, why am I not using it? Yeah. Why am I not constantly putting in box of Kraft dinner and milk and a little bit of butter? Oh, I can make, oh, okay. And you would have to have like a few things that you're like, I guess I always have flour and sugar or whatever. Yeah.

Like I don't even think of those as being things I would need to buy. Yeah. But then there's always like, do you ever get where there's a recipe and then there's like one like spice or something that you're like, I don't want to go buy a whole thing. Yeah. Cardamom. Or paying 10 bucks for that. Yeah, exactly. But it's like one spice that's for sure going to be only in this recipe.

And I'll never use it again. Yeah. And then I get, I go to the store and bring it home and Abby's like, oh, we already had some. No. But then you're at the grocery store and you're like, ooh, rice pudding. Yeah, I'll just have that. You get like chips and shit.

Yeah. I was grocery shopping yesterday to get the stuff for these meatballs. And I was like, I was, I had already bought, I already got my lunch. I'd already eaten lunch but i was thinking like why do they say don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry because then you always end up buying like a couple extra things but then you'll end up you'll eat them eventually that's true but you know if you're like trying to have a diet or

something you know then if you go there and you're like no chips trying to have a diet or something you know then if you go there and you're like no chips trying to have a diet or something because you know as soon as you stumble down that chip aisle yeah it's over it's game over it's game over uh you find some of those salt and pepper chips yeah forget it forget it your diet's out the window. Sure. Have you ever gone shopping either after drinking and or... Grocery shopping? Yeah. I've been grocery shopping after a night of drinking. Yeah.

And that's equally as bad as going hungry. Yeah. Probably worse. I'm going hungry. Nice. That song's about a grocery shop. Or swimming. Yeah, do you know what you're doing?

Because you can't swim within an hour. Yeah. Really? Yeah, like you're supposed to like not swim on a full stomach or something. Oh no, I've done this. No. Oh shit. I mean, I think it's been.

You're cursed. Oh no. I think it's kind of an old wives tale or it's like the equivalent. Yeah. It's bad science. I think it was also back in the day when all that you had to eat was like heavy stew. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nobody was eating celery or whatever. Yeah. When's the last time you ate? Before you go swimming, when's the last time you ate? I just ate a bunch of celery. Oh, go yeah you can go that's mostly water mostly water if anything it'll help your boy oh don't oh really i was i've been drawing water at work all day i've been animating water all day and then you i come home you give me celery i read about there's in some cultures they have uh just a constant pot going that they just throw like scraps and stuff into so it's like a constant

evolving right and there's some that have been going for like hundreds of years whoa that have just been like sitting over a you you know, a fire or on a, like an old stove. And they've just been like constantly throwing shit into this and eating it. But it's like same pot, same pot, same pot. And like, but like there's elements of the stew that's been there for a hundred years.

Okay. Um, wow. Uh, here's the deal. Yeah. You're, you're never ending pot of stew.

Oh, yeah. For 10% equity in your company, $10 million. I love this idea. Sometimes is it sweeter? Yeah. I think whatever kind of scraps from whatever they were making would go in the stew but wouldn't you constantly just be eating stew yeah you're always like you're always getting a little stew on the side like the whatever meal even if it was like a pasta meal a little side of stew wow yeah

yeah i mean like scraps from whatever you're making stew you're making like a brand new stew yeah like i'm tired of the hundred year old stew what if that yeah like i guess it would have to be handed down through like somebody's will or estate or whatever like keep this stew going we don't need to get lawyers involved in this let's just say that we all live in this house together and we keep this stew going if anybody asks the stew has been going i'm not on the stew list basically uh it's a dance contest and we all have to keep our hand on the stew pot oh yeah it was trucks they used to do that with the the keep your hands hands on a hard body yeah they shoot horses don't they is that what that movie's about that's about a dance

contest okay but hands on a hard body is a documentary about people in the whole putting their hand on a truck for her yeah and the last one standing wins the truck why do they put their hands everybody puts their hand on a truck oh and then whoever has their hand there the last wins the truck wins this filthy truck humans are insane the things we get up to let's pass the stew down yeah put your hand in a truck would you try like a several hundred year old like would you like yeah yeah yeah today we like threw some whatever in there easy yeah yeah yeah i guess i would do i would just be like when i'm cooking something for more than 20 minutes stuff sticks to the side oh yeah

i'm just worried about this pot getting smaller and smaller and smaller it's like when you paint the walls of a room and the room gets one paint coat smaller for hundreds of years you're putting stew coats on yeah yeah that's true it's just, you have to drop like a string down the middle. Like a ladle. Ice fishing. Yeah, yes. Yeah, but just like, just the idea of it is like, there's no other meal that you could just keep going for that.

You couldn't have a perpetual sandwich. No, that's true. Yeah. Although if you were constantly baking the bread, it's going in the oven. Yeah. The other side.

If you had a conveyor belt Quizno style oven, that was long. That went slow enough to bake the bread as it went. You could constantly be making a loaf of bread. Yeah. Out of scraps. Oh, we're having some celery bread it's not a mesquite chicken so good from quiznos yeah is quiznos still around i think so there's i know there's a i know where there's one there's one commercial yeah and uh you know what sometimes i'll go there as a treat very nice yeah it's a treat in a way that

subway can never be no that's true subway they came up with like they got the the the toasters yeah that basically put quiznos out of business yeah put quiznos out of business but doesn't quiznos have toasters well that, that was their big thing. That was their big thing that separated them from Subway. And then Subway was like, uh-uh, not so fast. Yeah. And then I think that kind of killed Quiznos. But it's weird because Subway is so successful. Why is there not another sub sandwich competitor?

There's Jersey Mike's. Oh, competitor? There's Jersey Mike's. Oh yeah. There's Jersey Mike's. There's Jersey Mike's. Their subs are too big. If their subs are too big, they're never going to make money on a sub that big. Have you been there? I have.

Oh, okay. Yeah. They're never going to make money on a sub that big. I think it's cause like no other sandwich place wants to settle that low like no nobody wants to go yeah right get in the muck yeah yeah okay like subway will do what no one else will do yeah that's what it is subway's the kaiser for say of yeah kaiser subway they will like okay i I guess I didn't get into the sandwich-making industry to, you know, have little chafing dishes filled with, you know,

chick-win-sit-chick-chick-win. And this is, uh, dragons? It's called chick-win. It's chicken and liquid. You're just getting, like, slotted spoons, pulling wet chicken out of a liquid. This one's, uh, chicken out of a liquid. This one's a barbecue. That's true.

I thought what separated Quiznos from Subway as well was they left the jalapeno popper. That's true. In their Subway. That's true. The sandwiches. Yeah. No, it was, I think like as a dining experience, Quiznos was, you wouldn't be afraid to take a date to Quiznos. Sure. Yeah. It's a date. Yeah. Quiznos.

Sure. Yeah. It's a market. Yeah. Subway is bars closed. Like let's go do, let's go that extra mile, make ourselves feel horrible for tomorrow. I'm willing to smell like bread.

Yeah. Love it for a day. I love, I've, I've said this before that the, the food doesn't deliver on the promise of the smell. I love the smell. I love it.

Yeah. It reminds me of, Hey, you did good in a soccer game quiz knows good but yeah exactly well you didn't bring out the champion you did fine you showed you went to a but there's no like quiz noses is it as far as a chain there's no upper level sub place they like is mr sub mr sub is somewhere between subway and quiz nose no mr sub is below subway below subway yeah i thought they think because they got pineapple you can get pineapple on a sandwich on what what do you put pineapple on? Whatever I feel like.

Because it's Mr. Sub. Yeah, I feel like that's it. Maybe there's like some reasonable change. I didn't go to Subway for a long time. No? And I've recently, now I go every day. But I didn't go for a long time. Look at the size of the pants you used to wear. I walk there, it's a block from my house.

of the pants he used to wear i walk there it's a block from my house um but they uh they have more vegetables than they did when i was a kid yeah that's true they didn't used to have um pickles did they no they definitely didn't they didn't have spinach they didn't have cucumber yeah and for sure they didn't have spinach right? Do they have avocado? They do they got avocado You gotta pay more I feel like at Quiznos you can get avocado But it comes out of a bag That's like squeezed That's guacamole baby

Yeah but it's more like The tube thing is too narrow So it looks like green toothpaste Right right Um It's uh I believe Brent Butt thing is too narrow. So it looks like tooth, like green toothpaste. Right. Right. Um, it's, uh, I believe Brent,

but has a joke about how, uh, dogs have, uh, like poultry flavored toothpaste. And he's like, uh, hello.

Why is that not enough? Uh, if, if there was like a McDonald's toothpaste, I would yeah that is funny i would i would brush my teeth late at night way more often yeah it's like dogs are dogs like the taste of meat so we give them meat flavored toothpaste guess what like humans aren't crazy for mint yeah no one's tails wagging over men but if you after a night of, if you could just like solve that temptation by brushing your teeth. Brushing your teeth.

Like. That would be great. I've had a couple of times in the last few months where I've eaten or taken like candy or something I shouldn't be eating in my mouth. Chewed it up and been like, huh, i can opt out now and just spit it out i scratched the itch of wanting this food yeah yeah yeah you're like partner kisses you like what was it what's that did you did you brush your teeth no baby i had mcdonald's it tastes just like you brushed your teeth yeah and that way you can hide the fact that you just went to McDonald's without your partner.

This is all, this is all great possibilities. Where was I? Oh, Abby. I think it was Abby and I were eating somewhere and she got something that had this gravy on it. Boy, where was this? And it was like, the gravy tasted like McDonald's in general. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Just like general nugget fry yeah yeah yeah grease huh there's a distinct smell yeah yeah mcdonald's mcdonald's and subway and they pipe and they pump that smell out like if you walk past the subway the grease trap or like yeah you're getting blasted with it the thirst trap send me a picture of Ronald McDonald his shirt off is he all white yes

he's all painted white oh gross oh it's so gross he's painted all white the idea of shirtless clowns that are painted all white but he's got like

bright red knuckles pimples and hair on his chest red pubes yeah just just like bright bright red around his nipples like like how it smiles around his mouth oh cgi that yeah oh boy oh boy uh dave what's going on with you man uh well when we last recorded i was about to go to uh london again for 48 hours oh yeah and i did that

the first i went to london in december for 48 hours and i had a terrible uh time sleeping oh yeah this time because it was like super short notice and, uh, it was new year's day and there were like, there was no seats available. Business class. Ooh. Business class.

In a soon London. Ooh. A 10 hour business class flight. Luxury. Mm hmm. Now, do you feel like, uh,

like that you're in business class? You got to stay up to enjoy it. I absolutely had guilt about falling asleep yeah i was like oh boy there's but they also like when i don't like that the airplane tells you lights out all right they're like oh like now time for sleep yeah and especially if you now the new, um, those windows on the side that are just like you push buttons and they get dimmer. Oh, right.

And brighter. Uh, they'll just override that at night and be like all the light, all the windows are dark. Yeah. Which I'm fine for that because there's always some jag that's like, yeah, my windows thing.

I'm going to be the one person that keeps it open. Yeah. We flew back just a premium economy, no business class, and I had a window seat. And it was like daytime the whole time. It was like a 1pm flight

from London, landed in Vancouver at 4 or something, or in Calgary at four or something. And I was like, it's daytime the whole time. Why are they, why can't we have our windows open? Oh, did they override it? They override it on the way back to when you're following the sun and kind of trying to stay awake.

Maybe they just think it's like easier. Like people can relax. Yeah. They're more docile. Yeah. They're like sleepy. Like nobody's going to, you know. Let's light the candles.

Yeah. Turn the lights. Let's light the candles. But on the way there, it was, yeah, it was, I was in one of those pods. I've never been in one of those pods before. They're nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And lie all the way down. They give you a little satchel full of supplies. Meat flavored toothpaste. What do they give you? An eye mask? Give you an eye mask. They give you earplugs. They give you toothbrush, toothpaste, socks.

Really? Yeah. Okay. That's nice. Nice to have a fresh pair of socks. I guess. It's refreshing to slide on a fresh pair of socks. I guess. It's refreshing to slide on a new pair of socks. I feel like they're in, even though you're in business class and this is like super fancy,

these are single use socks. Oh yeah. Yeah, for sure. But even that would be like, I don't know, there's some very rich person about taking off a pair of socks and throwing them in the trash. Wow. Can you imagine? I didn't like them in the trash. That's true. Wow. I didn't like them. They didn't have a heel.

So they were just like a tube. Like a classic tube sock. Like a low ankle sock? You know what? I didn't even try them. I was very happy with the socks. You threw them in the trash. They were never unwrapped.

The airline could do with them what they will. Yeah. It doesn't say I can't flush these down the toilet. I watched a documentary on the plane about Diego Maradona. Soccer player. Right. And you have to watch it. It's crazy. Is it the one on netflix i don't know i

think it was either netflix or hbo who made is it a series or is it is it like oh okay then it's like the one on two hour right what's so crazy just his whole life uh it's uh he's from argentina and then he became the like he lived like a god yeah and he was like dirt poor and then he became the, like, he lived in. Like a god. Yeah, and he was, like, dirt poor and then was the most expensive soccer player in the world in his early 20s. And then he went to go play in Italy. Yeah. In Naples, I think.

Is that what Napoli is? What? Somewhere in the south. And everywhere, like, everywhere in Italy, there's,'s like status based on how far north you are yeah and they are so racist to the people in the south in their own country like yeah the way that like you know we hate the toronto maple leaves they're like you wash yourselves in the fire of Mount Vesuvius. You fill the animals. We're from four miles North of here. Yeah. Wow.

And that like, he got into like, he was doing good. And then I heard like, he got into like mafia ties and that's where his like drug problem, like Coke problem started. Oh, so there's also a crash in there. Oh yes. And that's where His like Drug problem Yes Like coke problem Started Oh so there's also A crash in this

Yeah Oh yes And he's Big crash But everyone protects him Because Because he's good at soccer Yeah

And then Argentina beats Italy At soccer And no one protects him anymore Oh right Okay Wow Um

I'm gonna check this out He's got the famous goal The hand of God Yes Yeah Wow Where he like Like there's a

There's a lob And then he's like Him It's him and the keeper And they jump up And he like Looks like he's heading it Looks like he's heading it

But he actually touched his hand Oh And just fisted it Into the goal Not allowed World's greatest fister that's the name of the documentary

and the website yeah google it um yeah so that was great uh and then like

this was a very um uh there was not a like we were just had to kind of fulfill a

contractual obligation by going to London right but our work you were there for Rimmel yeah so to get the Like we were just had to kind of fulfill a contractual obligation by going to London. Right. But our work. You were there for Rimmel. Yeah.

So to get the London look. Yeah. And so we like most of our work was done before the trip. Right. And then we went to a meeting and then went to a shoot. But like did just were there to kind of be like thumbs up. Yeah. And then went to some yummy dinners. We need to see Dave's thumb.

Yeah. It's not the same. It's in the video conference. Yeah. And so we, uh, yeah, it was just like,

uh, not, not a ton of stuff to do. Yeah. Watch, uh, both seasons of fleabag. Oh yeah.

Have you seen this show? No. Oh, it's... TV shows, I have a hard time finishing, like books. You know what? It's six episodes each. Each season. I'm a...

The face. Yeah. I can't. Yeah. I try. I like... There's shows that I want to watch. Look.

When I sit down, I'm like... I wanted to watch this. No, no, I know. But there's like... Yeah, I can't even get to the shows that I want to watch. When I sit down, I'm like, I wanted to watch this. No, no, I know. But there's like, yeah, I can't even get to the show. I felt like I was the last person on earth who hadn't watched. No, no, no. Nima and I are the last people. It's really funny.

Yeah. I've heard it. It's got, um, uh, here's my impression of it. Dave looked over his shoulder and nodded at the camera yeah yes yeah a bit coyish yeah yeah she does a bit it's a bit like if jim from the office uh if the camera was somewhere else he was looking over his shoulder that was the elevator pitch yeah it's the office, just the gym parts. I liked it, but that is my impression of it. Those two things can exist.

I can like it and do a gym-style impression of it. Just like I liked cats and I liked those dancers, but that sucks. Oh, boy. What's going on with you i um uh last weekend uh somebody i had a like a classic it felt like a out of an episode of seinfeld like uh somebody dropped out of a comedy club and they needed a a headliner oh on the double so i was like and I had the weekend free so I was like yeah I'll sub in and uh do uh nightclub comedy

mmhmm um tell jokes in a nightclub atmosphere mmhmm uh you're a nightclub performer yeah I'm a nightclub performer and uh

were they listening and grinding silently yeah yeah yeah oh yeah it was that kind of a nightclub yeah yeah yeah it's important that you both listen and grind.

Yeah. Is everyone here on MDMA? Cool. Yeah. Are you grinding your teeth? Yeah, yeah. But it's, like, the first shows of the new year. Oh, okay.

And so you would expect, like, everybody kind of, like, because New Year's fell in the middle of the week this year. And so everybody had either, they had just like a weird work week where they worked a little bit, then had these, this weird day off in the middle of the week and then went back to work for a day. A little bit.

Yeah. So, and no one bit. Yeah. So no one worked. Yeah. Or you just stayed away from work. And this was your last big hurrah. And some people over hurrahed it. Oh, no.

And went grocery shopping the next day. This hasn't happened. Like, this has not happened at a show that I've performed at for quite some time. Somebody got turfed in the middle of the show. What's that mean? They're a trans exclusionary radical feminist. That's right. And I said, get them out.

Yeah, somebody got kicked out for super bad behavior. And the threshold for bad behavior at a comedy club is pretty high what was their super bad behavior they hung out with mclovin they uh they were like apparently i didn't see it because that's the other thing is when you're on stage the performer is the last person to know that this is uh right this is about to happen and so all of a sudden there's just yelling in the darkness and you're like oh oh dingo's gonna eat that baby and i guess these guys were like throwing stuff at other people in the audience really yeah and so they got kicked out but then they were out in the lobby like for the rest of the show negotiating yeah exactly scream negotiating i'm gonna start up here yeah i'm

thinking of a number yeah and um uh man oh man the uh the people that manage that club uh cannot be paid enough for having to have this like bizarre like i saw the manager after the show like have to talk to these two drunk guys who were told to shut up because they were talking throughout the whole show yeah and just like the manager was so nice to these guys that were the fucking worst. Like they deserved no niceness. How old were these guys? They were guys in their 40s. Oh.

Yeah. Like guys that should know better. What is the average comedy club audience age? They're young. Yeah. Yeah. I think like 25. Yeah like 25 yeah that's how i remember it but you have gone from being younger like in your comedy career being younger than that yeah to through that age and now much much older yeah now i'm uh now i'm uh it's like uh

there's a comedian named erwin barker that said that whenever he was on stage at a comedy club that he felt like a dad that was coming down into a rumpus room. Like, what's going on down there? Amazing. And, yeah, like, but these guys were, yeah, they were in their 40s. And just like this manager had to stand there and be like, yeah, I understand. I understand why you're upset. And, you know, we have an employee, and that's what they're told to do. They're told to tell you to be quiet because that's the rule here at the club.

But he was so nice. It's just like the patience. Meanwhile, they're throwing things at him. Throwing peanuts in his face. Yeah, yeah. And he's just being so nice. Were they the ones who were throwing things at him. Throwing peanuts in his face. Yeah, yeah. And he's just being so nice. Were they the ones who were throwing stuff? No.

They were different. What were the people throwing stuff, throwing stuff? Like chairs or ice cubes? Like limes and ice cubes. Yeah, shade. A little bit of shade. Tiny bit of shade in the darkness.

Because that's tough. Like if someone's talking and you're on stage, you can hear it. Yeah. And be like, hey, that's tough like if someone's talking and you're on stage you can you you can hear it yeah and be like hey that's annoying but if someone's throwing stuff you have no idea yeah i remember one time i had a very bad uh show yeah uh i think i like the audience was just talking and i think on stage I told someone to be quiet. Politely. Yeah. Would you mind, you know, I'm following my dream?

Yeah, yeah. And they had candles at every table, and then she took her napkin and set it on fire. Wow. Oh, man. But then had to deal with it burned herself

it was a controlled burn oh yeah if anything she was just preventing future club fighters yeah

she was she was just oh man that's yeah um but like uh

it was just, anyways, uh, the shows were all, uh, fine, but that was just insane. Yeah.

It was insane that everybody had to deal with that. Um, and then the other thing that I did, uh, this week for the first time ever in my life, I think, uh, I watched,

uh, two episodes of the show. Happy days. You mean the one from the buddy Hollylly video yeah yeah yeah that's all i was thinking is i was like huh i've never actually seen this show i know it from the weezer video i know who the fawns is yeah i know the theme song yeah and i know i would change the channel when it came on when i was a kid it wasn't it't like MASH where it was on. I feel like the window of Happy Days was pretty small. Yeah, I think I'm wrong.

It was never, when I was a kid, it was never on. Do you know Happy Days at all? Familiar with it. Like you know of it. I knew enough to be like, I'm confused. This seems old timey, but it's not? Yeah. i'm confused this seems old-timey but it's not yeah like it's this takes place in the 50s but it's it was made in the 70s oh interesting yeah when was mash made 70s 70s and 80s and yeah yeah um that's the one i would skip yeah yeah yeah yeah i guess everyone is yeah that's universal

yeah that's a uh like a generational touchstone of being like, this is depressing from the, like, first frame. Yeah, and it's like shot, it's like shot weird, and it's like they're always around a dead guy. Yeah, it's always someone being carried around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a comedy or not a comedy, depending on whether there's a laugh track.

Yeah. Actually, don't know. I didn't make it past the intro title it did have a laugh track sometimes not always oh really i think uh happy days also had a laugh track despite very obviously being filmed from weird angles that wouldn't allow it to be a studio show and uh it's hey like they say i've heard people compare like seinfeld to like an episode of uh kimmy schmidt in terms of joke total and just how many more jokes there are happy days there is one joke per episode and it's it's just that's the joke for the episode there's no side jokes there's no b plot in the like a lot of the like 80s and 70s movies that are comedies are like very low on jokes and you're like i guess the fact that this guy's Asian is a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like that.

One episode I watched, the whole premise was Richie, Richie Cunningham. There's a band coming through town. He says he knows the lead singer of the band from camp. And he's going to get everybody tickets. Does he really? Yeah. And then he gets them tickets. There's no struggle? No. To get everybody tickets does he really yeah and then he gets them tickets there's no struggle no to get the tickets for a while his friends think he doesn't know him but then he does like there's and that's it and then they go to the show

that was the whole episode there was no anything else that happened in the nice simple and nice simple and nice saved by the bell for all the grief people give it it had a lot of jokes yeah and there's a they weren't all good yeah there's a reboot uh where um zach is now the governor of california this is coming to nbc streaming i didn't know that this is true uh and he's married to kelly and slater is coming to NBC streaming platform. I didn't know that. This is true. And he's married to Kelly. And Slater's going to be in it. And Jesse Spano's going to be in it. Is the revamp? Yeah.

The same cast? Same cast. Only nowadays. Whoa. Yeah. Good. Yeah, good. This is good.

I want him to have a very small phone. Yeah, small phone. It'd be nuts if they did like what they did on the irishman and like made them look young i like this idea did you both watch watch the irishman yeah no okay yeah that's how i like the way you feel about a tv show or a long book is how i feel about the irishman i'm like this is going to be a climb yes and in a lot of ways it was this is nearly four hours long i can't do it yeah it was uh it was long and there's it's worth it for the one scene where robert de niro is beating up a guy and

he looks so much like a 70 year old trying to beat up a guy it it's great. Okay. Because he said he would beat up Trump if he got the chance. Oh, sure. You know what? I think he could beat up Trump. That guy needs a... He needs a... Oh, my gosh.

This is pretty good. I mean... Are you Fleabag? Are you doing Fleabag? That's my Robert Jr. If Robert Jr. was in Fleabag. Oh, yeah.

Very good. That is very good. We got mail. Oh, yeah. Do we very good. That is very good. We got mail. Oh, yeah. Do we want to open our mail now? Sure, sure. Mail call. Hey, everybody.

We got some mail. Now, listeners, every once in a while, people send us mail, and we open it on the air. And it doesn't happen so often that it gets in the way. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. put it on the air uh and it doesn't happen so often that it gets in the way yeah yeah exactly um and so uh if you if anyone wants to send us mail uh go to maximumfund.org and on every episode recap we put our mailing address and so uh we have two pieces of mail let's open this first one first. Yeah. This one is from Sarah K. And look at that. Yeah.

Sarah K's got like an individualized address thing with Ziggy on it. Great. Whoa. Yeah. That's nice. That is nice. Yeah. If you ask me, that's nice.

That's what you're here for. And we, according to the customs form, is gummy candy. Can only be one. It can only be the Trader Joe's gummy candy that everyone sends me. It's not. Oh, no? A new gummy candy. It's pigs, which is good because it's probably.

It's pigs. It's probably made of pork percy pig um oh this is this is uh this is pretty good suitable for vegetarians hot dog wow um uh i've been catching up on a bunch of older episodes lately and was inspired to go buy myself some trader jo Joe's gummy tummies Then I heard quite a few fans send them to you I honestly can't remember who mentioned Percy Pig gummies It wasn't us

No, but you know what this has got in it? It's got red grape And elderberry Oh, cool, what's a vegetarian They've got no They've got no pork gelatin It's glucose syrup. You want to get in on this?

Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Hop in. Pigs. Percy pigs. I mean, they're great. Looks like skin. It is the color of skin. How appetizing.

You're not wrong. Well, do you want to hear us chew them? Yeah. If you think that's appetizing. I also received a this is hard to get open. It's an Amazon package. Got that Amazon tape with the uh

strings in it oh yeah celery tape well that's good this one is just these are good an amazon box oh well you know when you go to amazon and they say or you go to any website and they say they ask want it gift wrapped? Oh, it's gift wrapped. I guess that's what it is. What is on this card? Anything? Someone said something about... Okay, Dave.

I, too, had gum problems. Okay, so I have receding gums. Oh, yeah? Well, it might be alopecia. But it's... I should have got a bigger laugh. And I have to have gum surgery, and it's going to be very painful and expensive.

And Dave, I too had gum problems until I started using this amazing device six years ago. Since then, three out of three dentists have told me I have perfect teeth and gums. Off I go. Rob from New York. I hope it's a box of chattering teeth. Off I go.

Some kind of dental appliance. But what kind? Yeah, yeah. Water pick? What do you think? Toothpaste. A sulca brush? Probably some kind of meat flavored toothpaste.

Yeah. Boy, this was wrapped by, I'm guessing, a drone. A Panasonic portable oral irrigator. Oh, portable. It's like a water pick. It is a water pick. Alright, so that means that I win the water pick. It's like a teeth bidet. I'm guessing it's a water pick.

A teeth bidet. I thought it said portable oral irritator instead of irrigator. This is just going to piss off your teeth. But it makes them stronger. That's how. Well, thanks. Was it Rob? Gum bidet.

Gum bidet. A gum bidet. A gum bidet. A gum bidet. A gum bidet. Thanks for the gum bidet. That's very thoughtful. Like a big fancy gift.

Yeah. And look at the gums on the lady on the package. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pink as a Percy Pig snack. Yeah. All right, let's move on to some Ovihertz. Yeah. Nearly two decades ago, Commander Data sacrificed his life.

The Greatest Discovery is also about Star Trek Picard. Jesse Thorne won't let us stay on the network unless we do all the Star Trek series. And so here we are doing a show about maybe our favorite Star Trek character of all time. If you're excited to watch the new Star Trek Picard series and you'd like some veteran Star Trek podcasters to watch it along with, we're your guys. Sorry you're stuck with us. What the hell are you doing out here, Picard? Saving the galaxy. So subscribe to The Greatest Discovery. You can find it anywhere you find podcasts.

Or at Maxim maximumfund.org overheard overheard's a segment where uh you hear things out there in the world and then we uh we all share them here like some percy pig gummies uh ne, would you like to start with the guest? Yeah, I have a couple. Oh, okay. Do you want to do one and then we come back around? Sure. I can do both, I guess. Sure.

Yeah. Okay. So I went to a weed dispensary. Yeah. And I went to like a fancy one because it was just like, oh, this is here. Don't go shopping after you go there, right? And the ones that look like a genius bar at the apple store or something oh yeah yeah yeah i went to a weed dispensary on an empty stomach it's true or on a full stomach just just go when you're like

in the middle of the day yeah yeah yeah so i went in and i'm just like looking around and uh more like there's like way more people than there needs to be working there right like there's just like they look like that maybe they were having a meeting or something yeah but so they all like turned and like went to help me and you know like they're showing me the whatever strays or whatever and then this guy like bursts in and he's like sweating and he's just like he's got this like different energy the vibe is really nice in there and he just bursts in and he's like sweating and he's just like he's got this like different energy the vibe is really nice in there and he just bursts in and he just goes like okay where do i go uh well it depends sir uh he was just looking for more of like a head high

yeah are you trying to maintain this crazy energy you're bringing in here it was just so great um dave do you have one oh i suppose i do hmm didn't get any on uh from london town did i oh i reckon i didn't know in it oh yeah this one is from Christmas Eve. I was on Gabriola Island, which is a very hippy, dippy island off the coast of Vancouver Island. I'm on island time. It's very slow paced, very relaxed. A lot of retired people there. And, you know, there's maybe 4,000 people live there year round.

And so, but it was Christmas Eve and there's one grocery store on the island. Yeah. And so I was there at the grocery store getting some stuff just because we knew the grocery store would be closed the next day. And, uh, this woman is like, I'm waiting in line. And this woman comes up next to me, this sweet older woman and says, that's pretty crazy in here today. I bet it's, this is like a regular day in Toronto. They're very proud of their slow. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's very chill. I can't even picture a, just a regular day in Toronto. Boy, oh boy. Hustle. A bustle. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Razzle. Dazzle. It was like, they were not prepared for how busy it was in the sense of like employees were like, well, I have to take my break. Yeah. This has never happened before that there's been someone waiting while I had to take my break.

I have to take my hourly weed break. My overheard comes courtesy of, uh, riding the number 20 bus and the number one in your heart. Number one in my heart. Absolutely. Uh, I was sitting and a mother and son team got on the bus and the son took the window seat and then the mom in a very hilarious kind of exaggerated way, really squished up against them and squished them against the window seat and then the mom in a very hilarious kind of exaggerated way,

really squished up against him and squished him against the window. Uh, and, he was doing that thing. Like she was, she was having a ton of fun. Yeah. And,

uh, he was like, God, mom, mom, stop it. Would you do this to a normal person? Oh,

that's great. Yeah. You know what? Mom and son having fun. Yeah. On the bus. On the bus. Now you have another overheard. Yeah, well, I had one that was like, that I heard at Cats.

Oh, yeah. When I was watching Cats. Now I'm guessing this was after you went to the dispensary. Yeah. Let's open up my irrigator here. But the island one, there's a friend of mine overheard this like a long time ago

and he tells me this story and it's like really funny. This overheard, he was like, so I'll just tell a different one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but he, so when he was younger, he went to Jamaica with his parents for like vacation and they like he was talking about like how the whole you know uh town that

they were in it's just like island time like no one's like very loose work schedules like everyone's chilling no one's really on a on the clock right and he goes up to the receptionist at the hotel and there's just like classic like has his legs on the table yeah and he goes up to the receptionist at the hotel and there's a classic like has his legs on the table yeah and he's like reading a newspaper and uh he goes like excuse me sir do you know what time it is like they his mom his parents like asked them to see what time it was and this guy like said the most amazing thing in response he's like he like flipped the newspaper down and he's like it's daytime mon perfect yeah yeah oh man i don't think i'd be able to he says it's daytime what do i do with that information yeah but like could you live and touch a relaxed

atmosphere? oh my gosh I'm getting notifications this is like Toronto over here I got two notifications one's from Domino's and one is telling me the Canucks game starts in half an hour why not combine the two?

I guess they're not wrong about that they're pretty good at marketing do you want to do the cats one it was just like there's a scene where they're like there's a lot of these spoiler alert but they like nestle they do cat movements

cat movements they kind of touch each other's heads and then this guy I heard lean over. He was just very mad effect about it. And he's like, if you didn't know, that's how cats kissed. All these people dressed up like cats are supposed to be cats. Yeah, this is a documentary.

They're pretending to be cats. Yeah. I just picture him just being like, looking at like cat mannerisms and be like, that's right. Yeah. This is good. Nailed it. This is quite a device. Yeah. Put together your gum bidet.

Yeah. A gum bidet. It looks like a phone. It does. It looks like Zach Morris' phone. Hello? Yes? It's my receding gums.

Uh-huh. Okay. Spray it on my what? I think I need a screwdriver to open it. So I think we're out of luck. Okay. But you know what? Soon.

Yeah. I'm sorry, guys. We're not going to spray my gums on the show today. Wait, that almost looks like you can take that as a traveling bidet too. That's true. Yeah. Like legit. Like a bum bidet. Bum bidet. Yeah, like a bum bid that as a traveling bidet too. That's true. Yeah, like legit. Like a bum bidet. Bum bidet. Like a bum bidet. A bum bidet. Oh man. In the jungle too.

Yeah, well, when you need it the most. In the mighty jungle, yeah. Do we have any other overheards? We do! We have overheards from listeners all over the place. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Carolyn D. I was at a climbing gym.

Nice. Wow. While the youth team was practicing, a little kid approaches a presumably older girl. Little kid. Are we supposed to keep doing this or switch to something else the older kid said i don't know i don't listen to directions pretty good as a policy um have you ever gone to a climbing gym either you guys no but it's a great real estate idea because you only need the... It goes up.

Yeah, that's true. You just need the sky right. Have you seen the new Mountain Equipment Co-op? No. On 2nd and Main? Does it have a big... Or 2nd and Ontario? Well...

No, let's say Quebec. It looks... I guess it does. I don't remember. I used to drive by them building it and it looked like they were doing that like it was like

something well they have one at the current mountain equipment co-op they do? yeah I've never I only just go in

for the one thing I need which is? you know like the last time I was thinking cliff bars too no like I went in

once and got like a two you know what I mean nice just like I never go in and just like a two. You know what I mean? Nice. Like, just like, well, I never go in and just like browse. I thought you were like saying, I always need the same thing. I always go back. I always need a knife.

I need crampons. Spork. This next one comes from Doug F. Parts unknown. Maybe Doug Flutie, the former quarterback? Oh, yeah. Flutie Flakes. Yes.

Remember? Some coworkers were talking about Fitbits, and one remarked, Mine is fine for the most part. I mean, it's okay, but it doesn't accurately count my steps, especially when I'm juggling. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It thinks you're taking more steps than you are.

The juggler's curse. Yeah. And, in fact, you're taking more steps than you are. The juggler's curse. Yeah. And in fact, you're not taking any steps because you're on a unicycle. Yeah. Being able to casually juggle like if you worked

at a fruit stand or whatever, that's like a fun thing to be able to know. Yeah. I tried juggling those like tiny bowling balls and it almost ended tragically. With the actual like five pin bowling balls no the the small ones oh okay

bocce balls or something yeah and and it like not so good and rolled into someone who was rolling and almost tripped them it was it could have been really bad you you nearly created a calamity yeah like an old-fashioned slipping on banana peel style calamity margo went to a birthday party yesterday as well uh and it was a bowling birthday party oh fun and she had to come home early because she pinched her fingers and got a really big bruise oh no pinched them between two balls yeah that's like uh man that machine doesn't uh account for for anybody sticking their hand in there like there's no automatic shut off with the bowling bowling ball return it's dangerous

it is the world is hard heavy ball yeah down the alley let's bring a bunch of kids like lane that being said so much fun yeah it's always like i, like, it's never the thing I want to do, but when I'm doing it, why don't I do this all the time? Yeah. Bowling. Yeah. Bowling, an escape room. These are the things you do the one time you're like, this is going to be a weekly occurrence

for me. Yeah. There's VR rooms now. Have you been in one? No, I want to go. There's one called like Sandbox or something. There's one. Yeah. There's one like onbox or something. There's one on Broadway that I've walked past before and been like, hmm, maybe me.

They say the virtual reality lights are bright on Broadway. This last one comes from Gary in Melbourne, Australia. When walking into the restrooms in a shopping center, I overheard a mom say to her three-year-old daughter, No, no, no, no. I do not want you to try and kiss anything or anyone when we go into the toilets. Yes. Number one rule of toilets.

Number one. Yeah. When going number one, don't try to kiss anyone. Number one. Yeah. When going number one, don't try to kiss anyone. Or number one. It is very hard with children, like, to, not specifically bathroom stuff, but just like, yeah, anything you find on the ground, not in our house, is garbage.

Yeah. I don't need to see it. I don't need you to pick it up. But also. Less of its money. Oh, yeah, that's true. You know what? We're a pretty cashless society.

What are you going to... Well, you can find a debit card. Yeah, you can tap that. Yeah, you can tap that. When you're a kid, though, a bathroom, that's a wonderland. You know? Like, if you go to a mall bathroom, there's like, you know, 20 toilets. Yeah. Hand dryers. Hand dryers.

Hand dryers. Automatic sinks. Is it Dyson? Is that the company that made those ones? The Airblade? Yeah. Airblade? Yeah.

The dip. There's a lot of air mittens. Air mittens. Air mittens. And a gum bidet. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one.

Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hey, put some good stank on the ugh there. Hey, fellas. This is John from North Carolina calling in with an overheard. My girlfriend and I were out at a sushi restaurant tonight, and the guy at the booth behind us just said i'm a sushi pro i've been eating sushi since like uh 2011 okay bye-bye

um yeah that's a long time before sushi became popular popular. Yeah. I don't know. No. No, sushi was like, I remember in the movie Wall Street, they eat sushi and it was like, everybody's like, this is weird. So, 80s. 80s, it was weird. 90s, it was still kind of weird. And then it became very not weird. Yeah. Do you remember your first sushi?

I remember first time trying seaweed and that deterred me from trying sushi. I got all my seaweed at a sea dispenser. Yes. Like the dried seaweed, you know? Yeah. It was like the first year I came to Canada, and this kid had seaweed, and I tried it. And he was like, it's like chips. And then I had it, and I almost barfed.

And you're like, this is not like chips. Like ocean chips. My kids love seaweed. Don't love sushi. No. What? Yeah. I can see kids not liking sushi.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Like I, I, we had it here in Canada, in Vancouver, like when I was a kid. And I don't think I tried it until my early 20s. Yeah. Like my sisters went and loved it and ate it all the time. Really? I wouldn't even try it.

Hmm. I miss that. I miss like when you're a kid, you try these new flavors and it's like, whoa, that's a new flavor that I don't have in my, you know, flavor vocabulary. Oh, yeah. But as an adult, you're like, you've tried it most of it. But like, that's why people, I feel like that's why so many of these like things blow up. Like, oh, the cronut. Can you believe it?

Oh, yeah. Also, people will, you know, they go uh traveling for that specific purpose to like right get that new flavor taste yeah when's the last time you had by the travel bug on my tongue when's the last time you had like a flavor yeah what's your favorite what's the newest food you you've liked huh or just tried and been like huh that was new new food yeah because i feel there's a lot of foods out there i haven't tried because like the reese peanut butter slogan that was like you got peanut butter in my chocolate you got chocolate in my peanut butter like the fact that that was novel at any point of like combining chocolate and peanut butter right yeah oh i tried stuff in uh um mexico city oh yeah i was in mexico

i tried new stuff pulque what was that uh oh i might i might get this wrong because i don't ask me that okay yeah because it's like uh what is i can look it up no it's fine but was it good it was weird it was weird yeah yeah it was a new taste yeah yeah i had uh something called uh what's it called grass jelly drink that's uh it's chinese i think and uh it's not pleasant but it's not unpleasant right like it's kind of right down the middle like why would somebody drink this yeah and uh that that was the kind of most recent thing i was like this is weird most recent thing i had is hersey pig delicious elderberry here we go next phone call hi dave and graham this is josh from pittsburgh

with an overheard i took my family to see uh jumanji 2 and it was it was a pretty good movie but anyways uh there's a long period of time before The Rock shows up and when The Rock shows up I overheard someone in the theater there he is it's like going to the zoo and there's

like where's the hippo where's oh there he is are we in the wrong movie just the idea of somebody going to jumanji 2 very funny i know you two tickets for jumanji 2 uh i asked my nieces and nephews because we didn't see them over the break i asked them what they did over the break Did they see any movies And they were like Yeah we all saw Jumanji 2 Did they like it I don't know

Yeah It's like I liked the first revamp That was good I didn't I never saw Jack Black's really funny in it Sure

Yeah You know It's got the rock in it It's got the rock in it Yeah How could it How could it be wrong You know

He doesn't want to be called The rock anymore Too bad I know. Too bad. I know. Yeah. Too bad, so sad. I'll call that to his face. Yeah.

Over video call. Not really. From an undisclosed location. Yeah, that's right. That is right. Here's your final phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and probable guest. This is Bob in New York.

I was walking on Central Park South yesterday and I was walking past a shop and I saw some people standing outside and what looked like the dad was like hey, have you guys seen that National Treasure movie? And I looked at what they were looking at and it was a framed

U.S. Constitution. Anyway, off I go. That's where, that's from that movie. I've seen that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was there a sequel to that?

Yeah. National Treasure Book of Secrets. Okay. You ever seen it? Mm-mm. Well, that can be your Sunday viewing. Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah.

Let me tell you about it. Nicolas Cage. Well, basically'd be nice. Yeah. Let me tell you about it. Nicolas Cage. Well, basically it all started with Dan Brown wrote a book called The Da Vinci Code. And Jerry Bruckheimer and, wait, no, yeah, Jerry Bruckheimer tried to buy the rights to it. But Ron Howard got it instead from Happy Days. Yeah, with his Happy Days money. And then Jerry Bruckheimer was like, fuck this. I'll just make my own Da Vinci Code out out of is this true yeah oh wow so that's what

it's a that it's pretty much just like it's about um instead of like da vinci and whatever the um we're the catholics and oh the uh yeah yeah the like opus Dei and all those it's basically literally not Ed Sheeran it's about like American if the American founders were like and were they all the Illuminati

yeah it's about like oh the triangle and the dollar bill and what does that mean and this yeah and you have to look

through Ben Franklin's bifocals and then you see I thought you were going to say butthole you gotta look through Ben Franklin's butthole which is half it's half and half because it's bifocals and then you see a thing. I thought you were going to say butthole. You got to look through Ben Franklin's butthole.

Which is half and half because it's bifocal style. When they released the movie Abroad, that was its name. Ben Franklin's butthole. I love your business idea. Where's the money? We all love Ben Franklin's butthole, but where's the money? Where's the money?

Where's the money? Oh, boy. Well, Nima, this has been a blast. Oh, I had so much fun. If people want to find you online, where can they go? Where can they find you? If you want to be found. Yeah, if you want to be found. Maybe you don't want to find you online where can they go where can they find if you want to be found yeah if you want to be found maybe you don't want to be found oh i i uh i have like a private instagram account but i also have a public one that i post some art sometimes okay visual

stuff uh animations looping animations and stuff what's the what's the public one uh neemagal impor just just like it says on your whatever device yeah on your passport exactly yeah um well thank you so much for being our guest oh thanks for having me this is a treat yeah i love you guys um i love you too yeah man take some percy pigs for the road yeah hell yeah and then uh are we all gonna do our gums after this we all know sure. We'll spray down our gums. I found so many butt bidets that are, you could travel kits. Oh, sure.

Oh, nice. Were you supposed to be looking up that? Did we ask you to? Graham, do you have a show in the comedy festival coming up?

Yeah, I'm doing a quiz show in the comedy in the JFL Northwest. Look for that, everyone. Yeah, and this week, the sketch troupe Hunks is going to be playing at the Havana. Cool.

I will be opening for them at the Havana on Thursday. That's Thursday the 23rd. The 20-toid. They're really funny. Yeah. Dave, what are you plugging? Gums. Clean gums.

Clean gums. gums clean gums nothing to plug right now I don't think Benjamin Franklin's butt yep yep that's what I'm plugging new season of

The Censor is coming soon oh cool who knows how soon well not me and everybody thank you so much for listening

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