Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 621 - Tess Degenstein

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Actress Tess Degenstein returns to talk commercials we can’t stop thinking about, the goop TV show, and places that used to be other places.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 621 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who, uh, he only likes it when it rains, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm only happy when it rains. That's right, yeah. I'm only happy when it rains. Complicated.

Inebriated. I'm only happy when it rains. I only smile in the dark you know I love it when the music's bad this would be a good cabaret song yeah that was the way you turned it into a cabaret number was pretty good if I was like

I mean the only singer I know who sings like that is the WB Frog so I don't know that it's a popular style of music anymore i'm only happy when it rings also the wb tune firm was he a takeoff of somebody or was he his own like a lot of cartoons or old timey cartoons reference old timey things that i don't know. Yeah, that's true.

That could have been Clark Gable's singing voice, for all we know. That laugh you hear, that's the laugh of our guest. Yeah, that's her singing laugh. That's her singing laugh. Signature laugh. Actress? Actor? Either.

Whatever, right? Yeah, whatever. What other things would I say? Hy uh things would i say hyphenates yeah hyphenate uh uh bitch lover child mother that's right yeah i don't know all those but not mother i guess it's test degenstein or degen uh degenstein yeah it rhymes with frankenstein in every way dragonstein yeah i wish thank you Thank you for being our guest. Thanks for having me. Thanks for singing that frog song just for me.

It's raining so much today. And you know what? I'm not terribly happy about it. No. Give me a break, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop crying up there. The sun and the groaning spirit.

I guess I'm more spiritual than religious. But I really only think about God in terms of making weather. Yeah. Yeah, I like the idea of a religious weatherman. Oh, God's sad. God's going to be sad all week. Yeah. And then with breaks of God being happy

And a big angry Yeah We're gonna get 20 centimeters Of God's wrath today That's right Well snow is what? God is Dangerous

It's always dangerous Rain is crying Yeah Rain's crying Tornadoes Farts I guess Yeah Sorry you invited me

Wind is All wind is farts All wind is farts. All wind is farts. Yeah, it is. Tornadoes, hurricanes, lightning is wrath. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Or he's like stubbing his toe. Canaries are when he hits his head. Canaries? Oh, for like around his head. Yeah.

Nice. And also when they're falling from the sky. Yes. That would be weather. They're falling from the sky. Yeah. That would be terrifying. Do we want to get to know us? Yes, yes, yes.

Get to know us. Yes. Not me. Yeah, go on. You're in town. I'm in town. You're doing a play. I'm doing a play.

It's called Noises Off. Mm-hmm. And it will be until the 24th it's on the till the 23rd at the stanley industrial alliance yeah yeah yeah that's who's in charge of the arts here is the industrial yeah very right yeah so you're like exons yeah yeah yeah um and it's uh noises off is the you were telling us before, it's the story of the person who invented the mute button? No, it's the story of the guy from Police Academy who does all the noises.

Oh, yeah. It's about a Foley artist who takes a day off. No, it's largely considered the best farce ever written uh i think and yeah it's uh and it was made into a movie in the 80s that john ritter and carol burnett starred in was directed by peter bogdanovich yeah who rules who rules yeah he does bogdanovich yeah who rules bogdanovich rules. That's what my t-shirt says. Lightning bolt. And yeah, so it's lots of entrances and exits and doors slamming

and the thing that's really fun about this is that the first act faces forward and then the second act, the set is spun around and you get to see the action from basically backstage. So that's kind of its its hook and then the third act all bets are off so right and then the noises as well yeah the noises are also off um and so it's got a lot of door slamming um did you have to slam a door in

your audition yeah it was it was like come in they were like if you see this your standard door okay here's the knob turns right uh no i didn't they should have made me though because i'm bad at it you're bad at slamming a door yeah kind of it's like it it's amazing how um how conscious you have to be about it when it's part of the musicality of the show oh right yeah like because you can't just do it at any old time you'll wreck the play. Oh, yeah, wrecking the play. That's probably what I would do if I was in a play. He's like, this seems familiar to me. I wrecked it, yeah. Yeah.

Is it a British play? Yeah, yeah, it's by Michael Frayn, who has written a ton of stuff. He's got dreadlocks, he's in Spearhead. Michael Frayn today? I'm only happy when Michael Frayn. Yes, now we're getting into when Michael Frames. Yes, now we're getting

into the swing of things. Yeah, woo. The, do you enjoy doing a play like you're doing the same show

every night for a run? I love it. Is it great? Oh, I love it so much. It's so nice to be like, oh,

I don't have to think about what to say when I'm talking. Right. But I do get to talk. But I get to talk and people have to think about what to say when i'm talking right but i do get to talk but i get to talk people have to listen they paid to hear it yeah but it is a weird i find it very relaxing i think because i do improv too to to just go into a mode where i'm like oh somebody's told me what to say and all i have to do is say it yeah do you ever get uh like uh kind of deja

vu where you're like have have I said the thing yet? Yes. Yeah. Especially in this one, because we're doing a play within a play. So we're doing the same play three times within one show. So on a two show day, we'll do the same play six times. Right. So it becomes very, it feels like purgatory.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's what I, that's what I was kind of wondering. Like if you're doing the same show every night, how long, cause you know, some people are in the cast of a show for months and months or like years even.

Yeah. Where they're just kind of like, they are that role for a whole year on Broadway or whatever. And, uh, that seems, it seems crazy to me. It seems crazy that you're like well five

o'clock time to go be that guy again yeah yeah my uh my uh ex did this show called war horse uh that ran for years and years and was he the horse he was a horse he was not i did it the horse you guys did he uh. Thanks so much. But he had this crazy job where he would have to go in basically and kind of strap himself into the torso of the horse. So not only was he running... The horse or torso?

Torso, torso. So he was running the show for years, like three years. And it was literally almost in a cage. That's crazy. Yeah, it's wild. Wow. Yeah, but he loved it.

He loved it. It was such a cool show yeah and then how do you when you're done a run of a play how do you like wrap that up

in your head like okay I'm not that character anymore don't need to remember those lines how long do you keep like having the lines

I think it's like a final exam you know how you cram for an exam and then as you're writing it. Exam o' Crammo. Exam o' Crammo.

Torso, torso. These are great improv troop names if anyone's taking notes. Exam o' Crammo, everybody. Harold Knight with Exam o' Crammo. But, you know, when you're cramming and examining and then you write it and it feels like you've just written your brain out in, on the page. Like, it's like if anyone asked you, uh, you know, who's Archduke Ferdinand, uh, after you've answered that question, you'd be like, I don't know.

I don't know. I remembered it then. Not now. Yeah. That was my experience anyway, of writing exams. It's also my experience of finishing a book. Who is Archduke Ferdinand? Franz Ferdinand?

Yeah, maybe. He was the guy what got killed, wasn't he? Yeah. He done got himself killed. Yeah, he got himself killed. Dennis started a war.

He really just set off that Balkan powder keg. Yeah, yeah. Thanks in part to Gavrilo Princip of the Red Hand. The Black Hand. The Black Hand.

Yeah, yeah. See, I remember. Yeah, you're good at it. Yeah, why do I remember that? I feel like that's something we did multiple times. They taught us and retaught us. Yes. It's also been kind of in the news because of the intense news.

Oh, yeah, because of the possibility of... Of us starting another one. Yeah. Yeah. Don't like it. Me neither. I opt out. Am I the only one

getting crackles in my ear I'm getting them too you're getting them too pop rocks okay I think it's just on that end

call in if you're hearing crackles you hear crackles so so then the last performance of the play is that

that's the that's when I leak my brains out and then it's gone yeah then it goes bye bye is there because like opening night you get flowers you get the cards you maybe exchange cards amongst the cast oh yeah closing night thing oh that's such a good question yeah often if uh that's when people will give cards and stuff to each other in theater school at some

point uh near our last year this is the most theater school thing in the world we we streaked across the stage yeah so there was a night we kind of like i don't know if we broke into the theater we must have all had passes i don't know so you wore your passes it was an official streak yeah naked with a lanyard. Yeah, naked. It's very barefoot and afraid or naked and afraid. Yeah, yeah. Barefoot and afraid. Barefoot and afraid. I'm just scared of, I don't know, stepping on a trap.

You're like those on The Bachelorette, all the topless bachelors who just have to have a... Oh, like a lapel mic taped? A lapel mic around their neck or something. Oh, my God. Do you guys watch The Bachelor? I have. Yeah, I also have. I haven't...

Wasn't the last season, wasn't there some twist? I thought there was some twist last season. There was a guy who was a virgin or something like that. Oh, dear Lord. What a twist. Absolutely. Yeah, a guy had a duck penis. It's quite a twist. Yeah, that's not how I want

my martini. I haven't watched I don't think I've ever watched consecutive episodes, so I've never really followed the plot of it. I watched the one where it's all the bachelors join together in like a

beach somewhere and they meet in paradise. Yeah, join together in like a like a beach somewhere and they Bachelor in paradise yeah and they just it's just like a fuck fest like it's just

it's just all of the rejects from other seasons of the bachelor but they're all very good looking oh I wanted to fuck him well you can't fuck him yet you have to fuck him

you have to go the gauntlet the gauntlet of fucks he might be there's also next week maybe there's a new guy to fuck yeah and also there's no pretense of like being chased or there being a wedding or whatever it's all just like just go for it yeah just have sex are you a batch are you a batch head not not a batch head i've seen maybe three episodes in my life but they but one i saw was so insane and i talk about it all the time no one else has seemed to have seen this so please i pray you have who's our friend who who uh was the big batch head sophie buttle right

yeah okay she might know she might listen this was bachelorette and it was maybe three or four years ago and there was a guy who brought a small doll on like a doll like a kind of ventriloquist kind of but but more cloth okay but the size of a ventriloquist puppet okay and and then she also had to go on a date with the puppet and they yes separately and they'd given him a french accent. But his mouth didn't move. Like he was not being operated. He was like an inanimate like cloth doll. This is good. This is good television.

It's incredible television. Like I don't know how bored the writers were or how high they were or what was going on. But so there's all these. I have so many pictures on my phone because I was just like standing in front of the TV taking pictures. And I think my favorite one. Oh, and then he got testimonials to the camera. The French doll? The French doll.

So somebody's doing a voice? Someone's doing a voice. I don't know who it is. It's never explained. They never explained this is a weird thing to be happening. Is it possible so they added the voice later and made her look crazy the way she was talking to him? Easily, yes.

That is very much the impression I get. It's like the ultimate prank. God's ultimate weather. The ultimate farce. But there's one part where he's like kneeling in front of a real fire and he's a cloth doll kind of like paint me like

one of your french girls style the doll was kneeling i totally like i was like oh no we're talking about the bachelor now no no the doll he's like positioned doing a testimonial and is just like he's like she hates me she despises me why can i never win her love like the whole thing is it's so it's such good tv it's such good tv it's like um there was like uh i'm gonna google this just so we have a visual yeah i'll find i'll find my uh screencast no i'm sure there's i'm sure you didn't it wasn't a fever dream although it does sound like a fever dream it's got all the elements of a fever dream yes cloth dolls

fireplaces yeah it's speaking with this accent yes which I did not do justice to oh god

hope this wasn't my audition to play the doll oh yeah that is pretty good oh yeah that's him the face

is like it's just like it's such an afterthought. No, no, no effort was put into making this doll. So the doll, it looks like a human. Like, it's not like an exaggerated, it's supposed to be like a person's face. Maybe the bachelor's face. It's Adam Jr. from Lyon france and then so it was a guy named adam who brought him and i'm sure he was there to characterize adam that's great he's got a real

he's got real human hair but then the uh caption says i discussed her oh that's it i discussed her but like uh you know writing these things like uh you know there was a soap opera called i think it was passions with the one supernatural one yeah and where it's just like you know you get bored of coming up with okay well we're gonna go visit the bachelorette's family again like you know that must have been been the most fun thing for them to write. It says where I Googled it, it said it was the premiere. Yes, yeah, it was the first episode. I feel like those are pretty formulaic. The same people kind of get kicked off first.

Yeah. Yes. And it's also, let's add a crazy puppet into the mix. Yeah. Yeah. And it was to characterize the guy who'd brought it as being wacky because he brought this puppet. But no one was acknowledging that the creators were animating the puppet in their spare time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's as good as television gets right there. Yeah, honestly. And you've seen as good as the bachelor can be well that's how i feel i'm like i'm never gonna watch it again no yeah there's never gonna be anything as good as that no sure for sure and i'm surprised this is the first time hearing of it yeah i i try to spread the word as much as i can every few months i'll be i'll tweet like hey remember small adam or whatever adam jr yeah it does very poorly no one likes it no one rts it but i know i know i've seen something perfect and true yeah

yeah yeah i was thinking about uh because i couldn't i remembered it was something that felt like a fake memory but it was and i tweeted about it when uh matthew mcconaughey hosted saturday night live and it was when he was like very he had a lot going on he was doing those lincoln commercials oh yeah yeah oh yeah he was true detective he was and that was also he did dallas dallas buyers club he won an oscar yeah yeah yeah and so and then when he hosted, his monologue was all about where Alright, Alright, Alright came from.

Oh dear. And where did it come from? I was like, well, I was thinking, it was his first acting role, and he was like, I was thinking back to this character. He was like, what are the three things that matter most to him? Well, he's gotta have a girl on his arm, he's gotta have, you know, a party, and he's gotta have weed. So I looked around, and I was like, he's got to have a girl on his arm he's got to have you know a party and he's got

to have weed so i looked around and i was like he's got a girl all right he's got a party all right and he's got his weed all right all right all right we sat through it yeah yeah like first of all you never came you just said came. There was no logic behind it. Yeah, yeah. And your explanation is not worth it. That does feel like a fake memory. Yeah. Like I had a dream that Matthew McConaughey was explaining all right.

Like that I got to the etymology of all right, all right, all right. I love etymology. The little green bean. I had a memory like that. And I Googled and confirmed that it was a thing. From when I was a kid, I remember seeing an ad for a seafood restaurant, and the ad said, we've got crab's legs, and all of the chefs had crab's legs. What, is it a cartoon?

Nope. That's why it was such a weird memory. I was like, huh, I remember it being live action and they had crab legs. So then I just Googled, we've got crab legs. And that the commercial came up. What was it? Uh,

but like describe how they had crabs. Like they were wearing some kind of mascot pants that looked like crab legs and all the chefs had them. So they all had like crab legs. And what was the, like, what was the rest of the commercial? That's, I mean, do you need more? No, it's like The Bachelorette. Once you've got that doll. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, so anyways, I thought that was a thing I had made up in my head, but nope, it was real. Oh, my God. That is wild. Also, like, a crab is an animal that should never be centored. That's true. Do you know what I mean? It's like it doesn't have a head, torso division. No, it doesn't have a top and bottom.

No. No, yeah. Its legs go all around. It also takes that kind of food advertising where a pig is like. Eating itself? Yeah. It's like, come eat this ham sandwich. Take it from me. The ham. Yeah. It also takes that kind of food advertising where a pig is like eating itself. Yeah. It's like, come eat this ham sandwich. Take it from me.

The ham. Yeah. It takes that to a to a real nightmare. Yeah. It was like I was I was prepared by a half human, half crab. Yes, exactly. So this must have been very painful for them. But it's delicious.

I mean, what? Rager Samsa woke yeah only to discover he had crab legs there would be i mean that only just makes me think that there's a worse restaurant somewhere that's like we have crab bodies we have crab top torso yeah we have crab remains that's red lobster basically yeah i guess sorry to get political um thank you now speaking of food advertising yes please i forgot about this uh recently we we both saw you in a commercial for food uh-huh and it was great it was great it's great okay is i i have a lot of questions about filming. So let's, can we speak to your character? Yes, my fry stealing character.

Your character in the McCain frozen fries, super fries. Was there a specific fry? They do a lot of fries over at McCain. No. Okay. Yeah, McCain fries. I think it's their like original, yeah, no crinkles. No crinkles.

Yeah. Smooth, a smooth fry. Yeah, a smooth flat fry. I think it's their like original, yeah, no crinkles. No crinkles. Yeah. Smooth. A smooth fry. Yeah, a smooth, flat fry. Right. And you're in the commercial year, it's a date, date night? Yes. There's actually five different versions.

Holy moly. What? You got to catch them all, baby. It's kind of a farce. The first, you see the front of the date. And then we go inside the fridge fun yeah so it's this relationship over time yeah uh told through her consistently stealing a fry from him it's like their thing oh like this so the do you age in the commercials? Yes.

Although I think they've cut those. Oh, I remember. Because I haven't seen any. His beard got a little gray. Yeah. And they really tried to age me, but I don't know. You're unageable. They were like, yeah, impossible. Yeah.

We'll have to just bring in an older actor to play you. Wear the same outfit. They got Gina Davis. They put her in a League of Their Own makeup. Oh, yeah, that makeup at the end. Not the greatest. You know, the Oscars wasn't for that. She won the Oscar for that, didn't she?

I think so. Do you think Geena Davis won the Oscar for a League of Their Own? Didn't she? I don't know. She's in Mensa. Yeah, she is in Mensa. She's a very good archer archer yeah she is yeah like almost olympic level god I need some hobbies would you be an archer yeah okay why not yeah yeah yes okay I need to know who was she even nominated for I think she was I feel like I don know. I feel like she was nominated for League of Her Own.

And I also actually, I said old age makeup, but I think it's an older actor. Yeah, I think so. And they use her voice, so it feels really odd. Yeah. And she steals a fry from Tom Hanks' character. He's like, no stealing fries in baseball. So you did your five different eras of this couple. Yeah, basically.

And I had different wigs and stuff. Really? I love wigs, yeah. That's fun. I've got a wig in Noises Off, too, for all you wig heads. Yeah? What kind of wig? I think they said they wanted to make it like Heather Locklear in the 80s.

Oh, yeah. So it's kind of working girl, kind of Heather Locklear. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty fun. Nominated. Yeah? For Thelma and Louise Nominated for Thelma and Louise. Oh, Thelma and Louise. Oh, that makes sense.

Nominated for a Golden Globe for League of the Rings. And an MTV Movie Award. That's what I was thinking of. I always get those mixed up. Thelma and Louise is beautiful people. Oh, yeah. We were talking before the show about, what was the thing that made us think about? Oh, Benjamin Button.

Benjamin Button. Graham has never seen it. But I reference it a lot. Yeah. And Tess recommended it because it's just beautiful people looking beautiful. Yeah. We were trying to come up with more of those. And then I, yeah. And then I just started thinking about Harold Manson.

And basically every Brad Pitt movie. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Although when he played, he can also play like a weirdo. That's like he's a 12-month-old. Burn after reading, yeah. Yeah, he can play like a weirdo, and then somehow by him playing a weirdo,

you forget that he's like the handsomest guy. But he's done a lot of beautiful people. Oh, sure. Oh, Meet Joe Black is kind of that, too. Yeah. What's the one about the legends of the fall? Kundu. Yeah.

I haven't used it in a while. Yeah, I think that was legend. You were going to say something about Meet Joe Black? Oh, Meet Joe Black. Did you guys see that scene that was being passed around the internet? About the cars? Yes. Where he gets hit by the car.

Yes, but at first they're... They look back at each other 50 times. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah. I remember them... It looks like it was edited like like it was yeah a joke like like uve bowl or whatever that that you guys know that director the um he's yeah blood rain or whatever yeah yeah he's like i think most of his movies are in the top five worst movies ever made That's kind of what he's known for. And he also boxed a critic.

Yes. Oh, yes. That's right. But he does this thing classically where he just reuses the same reaction shot from someone over and over and over. Yeah. And they'll just cut to the same person in a cloak

who's reacting the exact same way. But the Meet Joe Black scene, it's Brad Pitt and... Claire... Claire... Forlani? Forlani, yeah. And they meet on the street. But the meet Joe Black scene It's Brad Pitt and Claire Claire Forlani Forlani Yeah

And they They meet on the street And then they walk Away from each other He stops And looks back at her She's not looking So he keeps walking

And then she looks back at him But he's walking away And she steals a fry from him Yeah And that just keeps going on I feel like we need to get back To this fry commercial Okay okay okay

I'm trying to use. I really don't have any questions. I do. I have a question. Because in these food commercials, you actually eat the thing? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but I.

Did they bring in better fries? No. We shot these over five days. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It took five days to film the commercial. So I probably was asked to eat like 3,000 fries. Wow. Yeah. It took five days to film the commercial. So I probably was asked to eat like 3,000 fries.

Nice. And so, but there's a spit bucket. So, yeah. How often did you use the spit bucket? Pretty much every time. Really? How often do they empty the spit bucket? Never.

They say sometimes when the moon is full, you can still. Do you have any lines in these commercials no so it was like no time to purge your mind of no you have to slam any doors no i wish if only so like uh because you're talking in the commercial like even though you the you don't hear the sounds right yes yeah what do you do yeah basically i wish i think it goes in and out because then sometimes you just are i don't know i would be like tired of chatting or inventing stuff right you just kind of make up what you're doing in the thing of being like what a nice meal oh do you mind if i take that like

right and just start doing the most boring thing and like so you so you're not. I would love to say like, yeah, we were having a conversation about philosophy or we were like riffing about the funniest thing or undercutting the content of the commercial. But it's like after a certain point, it's just easier. Just like I am now reaching for a fry. Yeah, kind of. To be like, nice, nice tux.

Wow, it sure is date night. I'm in a dress. Do you mind if I have a fry? Uh-oh, like just kind of self-marrying. That's good though. You just did right there. I, it sure is date night. I'm in a dress. Do you mind if I have a fry? Uh-oh. Like, just kind of sell everything. That's good, though. You just did right there. I find it to be bad. No, that was good.

I felt that energy. That was good. Good, good. Very kind. But, like, so they, I've only ever seen the one. Maybe I go on YouTube, I can see this full. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know where they're all kept.

I did. When I was. We're in the Disney vault. To make sure it was you,'t know where they're all kept when I was from the Disney vault when I to make sure it was you because I only saw it on TV I was like I did google it on YouTube oh did you

I googled it on YouTube yep you went to YouTube you typed in google it sent you back to google and you just went around I watched a video of a guy googling

you went to wiki how there's some very disturbing but then I read the comments and uh do not read the comments no no i've read the comments uh comments comments are saying well because uh uh the guy she's on the date with yeah kind of a darker skinned fellow oh well mccain's not selling fries they're selling interracial marriage it's wild yeah like there's only about five comments and those are all of the comment section's usually so good though

like that's been my experience is that it's usually really helpful and good yeah right i feel like i've i've so rarely read the comments in any context for anything but because i was like what if they say I'm cool? I was like, I'll read them. And then I was like, oh, I regret it. You know what I'm going to do as soon as I get home? I'm going to go find that YouTube clip I'm going to write. I think this girl's cool. Oh, yes.

Sick. Because a few weeks ago we were talking about Air Farce, the Canadian sketch comedy show, the very long running. R.I.P. Yeah. Chicken Cannon. Yes.I.P. Yeah. Chicken cannon. Yes. That's right.

And they stopped making the show a long time ago, but they kept making New Year's specials. Yeah. And a few years ago, I just remember the one that was like Gangnam Style, but it was Stephen Harper style. And I went to watch it and I was like oh maybe i'll read the comments and everyone was like this is great really yes oh my god i'm laughing so hard this is so great really yeah the one pure comment the one wholesome comment section that is um well good good on them yeah good on luba good on don on dancer on. Good on Don. Mm-hmm. On Dancer. On Prancer. Yeah.

Yeah. Who is the other guy? The old, the old, old guy? Yeah. Dave Broadfoot. Okay. Yeah. You're Dave.

Yeah. Oh, I'm Dave. Don't get it twisted. I'm Dave. Yeah. Hi, Dave. Should we get to know other people? No, no, no.

We're not done with Tess yet. What, uh, in, in your, when I was in school, I was thinking about this cause my kids were Margo's in school now. And, uh, I feel like there are a lot of Emma's. And when I was a kid, there were a lot of Dave's and a lot of Jennifer's. Yeah. What were there a lot of when you were in school? Ooh, maybe Emily. Um, there were a lot of. I don't know. A lot of lennifer's yeah what were there a lot of when you were in school oh maybe emily um there

were a lot of no a lot of bronsons bronson yeah there were a lot of bronsons bronsons bronsons yeah bronson yeah i feel like there was a jayden cayden oh yeah yeah time there in my life. I'm trying to think about women's names. Ashley. A lot of Ashleys. Yeah. And I knew more than one Kyla. Oh, yes. A Kristen, a Kirsten.

Oh, sure. Yeah, those. Yeah. Where did you grow up? Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan. Where in Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan. Yeah. Where in Saskatchewan? In Regina.

In Regina. Mm-hmm. Which I feel like because this is, because of the comedy podcast. Well, what do you think? What do you think? I just need to share that we do have a food festival in the summertime, and it is called Taste of Regina. Uh-huh. So?

So? Okay. Well, just that there's lots of great options yeah okay like what park pierogies yeah pierogies souvlaki cabbage rolls yeah yeah yeah uh what else um that's it yeah we've got we've got um i'm sorry to tell you you've been diagnosed with crab's legs i've got crab's legs i've got crabs legs. I'm sorry to tell you you've been diagnosed with crab's legs. I've got crab's legs. I've got crabs, but just their little legs. Do you remember, speaking of commercials that went on as a couple, that there was a series of coffee commercials that went on for years and years?

And one of the guys from them was the older guy on B And one of the, the guy from them was a, was the like older guy on Buffy. That's right. Yeah. This was a series. Yeah. I don't know.

He's hot. Okay. Well, you think he's hot? He's formative hot. Add, add a little bit of coffee to that.

Oh, dang. There was a whole, was it Maxwell House or Instant Coffee or something? And it was this whole romance

that went on for years and years in these commercials where he would drop instant coffee or something. And it was this whole romance that, uh, went on for years and years in these commercials where he would drop by her place and she would make them an instant coffee. And then it would kind of end on a cliffhanger. And it was always like, will they get together? And I think they finally did maybe during the Superbowl or something crazy like that.

And they fucked on camera they fucked on camera and that was at the you know back then you could do that you can't make that kind of commercial now

but you remember this I remember this and I remember like Entertainment Tonight going on set and being like what's gonna happen next

what yeah so was the was the cliffhanger every time that like will she take a sip of this coffee? Or it would be like, oh, I need to borrow some coffee.

Oh, I wasn't around last time. I'm going to go over there and give her some coffee or, like, ask for some coffee. Oh, she's with another guy. Oh, that's cool. Oh, it's my brother. It's the cliffhanger. Yeah, it was always, like, the will they or won't they. But I am sleeping with my brother.

Yeah. And anyway, we did fuck on camera. F-O-C. In a different series of videos. So were they shot like sitcom or were they shot like those Tim Hortons commercials that make you weep? They were shot kind of in between the two. I don't know what makes me weep. Well, like where it's kind of, I don't know, kind of Vaseline-y on the screen-y. Oh, sure.

Vaseline. Or the coffee commercials where the guy comes home from college and his sister's in love with him. What is that? Well, isn't that a Folgers commercial where it's a guy coming back for Christmas christmas and his sister's there and she's like i don't know 18 and he's 22 and she's like i missed you so much and they're like too close you don't know this no i don't know this sounds amazing um it's like a whole uh sub sub section of coffee it's it's a little it's an intense brother. You just look up, uh, brother, sister, incest, coffee, commercial. Yeah.

Okay. Or don't do that. You don't have to. I'm gonna though. I want my, I want my search history to be diverse. And I'm just going to write, she seems cool. She seems cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The comments. When you were saying a series of commercials, the one I was thinking of was the country crock ones where country crock was a, Oh, hands. i was thinking of was the country croc ones where country croc was a oh hands it was a fake butter yeah and it was two sets of hands that were like buttering bread and talking back and forth with a very like oh cool cool kind of will they won't they will they shake each other

the hands will one form a circle and the other one with the finger go in? Yeah. Or like a ring on the finger. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's lots of ways. And then the hands are old. Yes.

And then a baby hand comes in. But it's from the same person. And they're not okay. Yeah. And then a doll hand comes in. Yeah. It's on fire. Yeah yeah and they choose the doll uh there was a real hand era of commercials i think do you remember the palm olive hands yeah they were gorgeous they were gorgeous yeah eyelashes lipstick i worked the makeover

on a commercial when when i was first out of film school i worked on a commercial that was um a toy commercial and it was like for the close-ups of the toys being played with they they had the kids like for the wider shots of the kids playing with toys but then for the close-ups they had hand models come in because the kids hands were just like what age? like older than women or men? women but sorry were the kids women or men? no the kids were

also why Dave? they don't have to be cis the kids were to to boys and then the hand models were to women that had kid like hands women don't know how to play with boy toys.

Well, the director said, just imagine this is a pretty pony and not a Tonka truck. And then they were like, okay, we got it. We're in. Yeah. They got the Bart Simpson treatment. They're a young boy being played by a grown woman. Yeah. Yeah.

And I just remember thinking this was the best gig that anybody could ever have to be like, okay, play with these toys. Play with these toys and we'll pay you a lot of money. And you don't have to have your face in a commercial or anything like that. Oh, it's so true. Do you remember PJ Katie's Farm? It was on YTV. She was like a PJ.

Was she the one with the high-pitched voice? She had lots of voices. Oh, okay. You're thinking of Sugar. Sugar, that's okay you're thinking of sugar sugar that's oh yeah i think you are but she had a show that was just her moving toys around with her hands and doing the voices that sounds great yeah it was great we gotta get more pjs on this show i'd like i you know i will god i'll let myself out i'm sorry you want fresh phil yeah pj fresh phil we Phil. And Warren LeGrog. Yeah, we've had two, I think. Yeah. Can you name them? Pat.

Pat Kelly. And Marjorie Milbeth. Yeah. Those are the two I was thinking of. I didn't know that they were PJs. I know those two. Yeah. Pat and Sugar were an afternoon duo. Really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. I'm looking this up immediately.

Well, I've got a lot of YouTube videos. Yeah, I've got a lot to look up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Starting with this doll and ending with country croc hands.

Yeah, and we want to see the incest children. Oh, no, Dave. No, no, no. They were growing. I'm sure they were of age. No, no, no. Are there any commercials that that so these are like

those series of commercials that really stuck with you or are there any other ones that you're just like I think about this all the time yes yeah there's uh for some reason I think I got it from past guest Morgan Brayton uh but I'll say uh you got it Pontiac all the time. And that's not even a commercial I've ever seen, but I know that that's from a Pontiac dealership commercial. Yeah. So that's like part of my lexicon. It's a slick saying. Yeah.

You got it. You got it. Pontiac. Yeah. Um, uh, there's a guy in, uh, in Victoria that, uh, Gordy Dodd from Dodd's Furniture, now Dodd's Furniture and Mattress, and he would always, he was like the typical like, we won't be

undersold and like, I'll do a crazy thing in every commercial, and he would dress up as like Superman or Harry Potter, and he was an old Indian man. Yeah. Like with an accent from India. And he stopped, he's not in the business anymore with an accent from India. And he's stopped. He's not in the business anymore, but he still does the commercials.

He's still in the ad. Oh, amazing. Yeah, yeah. They know. They know what's selling there. Oh, yeah. Now mattresses. Yeah.

Yeah. And his catchphrase was, I won't be undersold. But he speaks a bit slowly and with an accent. And my friend Josh Stubbs, past guest, always thought that he was saying I won't be in the store. That's fine. But like he was selling that as like a feature. Like stop by.

I won't be in the store. Yeah. Tell him I sent you because I won't be there. I won't be coming into work. It is great when you do see the guy from the commercial. Yeah. You know what? Especially if he's not an actor, if he's a guy from the store.

Oh, yeah. I was on a ferry with him oh yeah gordy dodds yes oh wow going vancouver to victoria and the person i was with at the time was like oh my god oh my god was like freaking out and showed me these commercials that's furniture that's's beautiful. Oh, in Regina, we had this. Do you guys know castle furniture? No. No. Oh, they're jingles. They're jingles. Yeah, that's exactly it.

Really super long tables. Yeah. Banquets. Goblets. What else you got? Four poster bed, canopy beds. Yeah, somewhere to hang up your suit of armor armor closet armor armoire swords armor armoire pretty good what was what was castle furniture's

well their jingle was like so it was like i'll just sing it this is already embarrassing it was like castle furniture come discover the difference like it was like somewhat it was like adele it was like beautiful that was beautiful thing it was yeah it seemed like they'd kidnapped the most amazing singer in the world yeah Yeah, wow. And she was like weeping in a room about the furniture. That is, that was haunting. Yeah, that was haunting. It's haunted me my entire life. Would you go see a jukebox musical that was just jingles? Yes.

Yeah. 500, 3, 8, 8, 2, 300, Empire. Yeah, one of the rare 500 numbers. Yeah. Oh, Pizza 73, did you guys have that? Yeah, we had it in Calgary. Yeah. Oh, Pizza 73. Do you guys have that? Yeah, we had it in Calgary. Yeah.

2-7-3-7-3-7-3. Yeah. Pizza 73. Yep. Yeah. Did you guys remember the Dutch Panacocas one? No. What's that one?

Here we go. Very good. You can do toaster coffee or greasy eggs and bacon. Or you can do the Dutch and taste the fine stuff we're making. Do the Dutch, do the Dutch, do the Dutch, pan a cookhouse. Do the Dutch, do the Dutch, pan a cookhouse. Very good. I'm just so sorry that this is only an audio medium.

The visual to that was quite something. That's how I won the voice. because the visual to that was quite something. That's how I won the voice. Because the judges were like, I got to turn my seat around just to see this guy. This guy who only sings the Dutch song. I would love that as a contestant. Also, like in a jukebox musical,

all the songs are 20 seconds long. Yeah, which is perfect. But they're earworms, too. Yeah, well, it would be an easy one because I don't think they have a ton of money

so you could just do it and then just apologize for stealing all these jingles. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be like trying to put together the songs of Queen. They're very well protected. Although Barry Manilow has written a few jingles that uh oh yeah that uh probably you know part of his catalog probably part of his catalog band-aid song who was the oh no that was barry white was did he sell arby's for a little bit

barry white yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. Maybe. Like him talking over pictures of the slow motion beef. Pilot. Yes. Sexy cheese on it. Yeah.

Sexy horsey size on it. Horsey torsey. But I think there was one where you saw his face, too, and he had a hat. Maybe this is a dream I had. Was he wearing meat on his face? Yeah. Like Tom Green? Arby's got fingered.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Freddie got fingered. Yeah. Speaking of like, I guess this is maybe tangentially related are there any like movies where you just remember one line from the trailer and you never saw the movie i've definitely seen freddie's got fingered so that but the only thing i remember from the trailer is him playing the sausage piano yeah daddy would you like some sausage oh yeah i remember that too And I've never seen the movie. It was made here.

And I, for some reason, my friend was working. I think he was working on it. And we got to go on the set and we met Glenn Humpling. He was hanging out on set. And he was super cool. And I was like, what is this movie? And he's like, it's too complicated to tell you what it's about and i was like oh i'll just wait for it to come out and he was right having to explain that

plot uh would have been uncomfortable i think that's when i had a subscription to entertainment weekly and i remember being fascinated by that movie because it's the only one I ever saw get an F. Oh. Yeah. On their like, you're in school way of grading films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it totally, it's become like a cult. Yeah. Oh, yes.

People love it. There's a reason we're talking about it today. Yeah. Yeah, because I saw the trailer. But like, imagine being in that position where they're like, you're so, you're such a hot property right now that we will let, we'll literally let you do anything. And he's like,

I want to do this. And then saying like, okay, you're sure this is what you want to do. Yes. I want to do the sausage piano. The sausage piano is hilarious. I mean, and you know what?

It's funny. Rip Torn's in it. He's hilarious. It's a, it's got its moments. Rip Torn's in it. He's hilarious. It's got its moments. Rip Torn. Yeah. That name.

We've been over it. Yeah. We've talked about Rip Torn, Rip Taylor. Well, Trud. If your rip gets torn, you take it to Rip Taylor. Oh, my God. You're right. Rip Taylor, Soldier Torn. That's okay.

Yeah. Rip Taylor Taylor Soldier Spies I'm trying To participate Well you know what I'll write you some lines You can just go on autopilot Oh thank god No all this has been written

I'm just reading What's going on with you? Well I Last night Watched The Goop Lab. Oh, this is Gwyneth Paltrow's.

Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Show. Taste of Regina. Yes. Yes. How is it? I'll tell you what. I was expecting to go in. I was going in being like, I, you know, this pseudoscience, whatever, like, she's selling people snake oil it was just boring

is what it was yeah yeah there was a long expose written about her or goop or something in the new york times sure in something yeah and i read all of it and i remember being like i'm bored yeah she's not like lyle lamley like she's not like hey there let me tell you what you need a jade egg for your hoo-ha yeah you don't there's no razzle dazzle that she's doing no i know it's no razzle dazzle but and also the show is like she's not it's not like where she is selling you the thing uh literally selling you a product to put up your taste for vagina yeah um but it's uh it's just like you know they did an episode on uh cold therapy like getting in the water super cold water and like using your breathing techniques to stave off hypothermia and they did an episode you know it's works a treat

for that not going in an ice cold yeah but then but then the guy who they were talking to also used this used the like breathing techniques to stave off e coli yes right this is where it gets a little bit yeah they did like he's like well i've never had e coli so they injected him with it really yeah and then he breathed it away i think so i didn't like yeah and then he breathed it away i think so and like yeah and then he's like excuse pardon me while i go shoot diarrhea i know that i'm these are unrelated it's a side effect of the breathing let me assure you i have i've beat e col coli. Now, excuse me. And please don't put your ear up to the door. Please.

This is my baseline. This is how I am all the time. This is the control group. Ooh, I'm thinking Arby's. So they did an episode on... What was the other? Oh, um, uh, psychedelics. Okay.

Ooh, that's fun. And it was like, it was, we, so like we asked people in the goop office who they wanted, what they wanted to, uh, uh, who wanted to go on this trip to Jamaica to do psychedelics and everyone has said yes, but we chose these ones. to do psychedelics and everyone said yes but we chose these ones uh and like she wants to do psychedelics so that she can uh get more in touch with her emotions and she wants to do psychedelics because uh she wants to sort of um have a spiritual experience and she wants to because her dad killed herself oh whoa i, this is like a big jump. Yeah. Like,

yeah. I just kind of want to do it for, you know, get in touch with. Yeah. It's like two sillies and a series. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And like, okay. To think like who, cause Gwyneth Paltrow would rank very high for me on people. I would not want to do psychedelics. She didn't do it. She just,

they're like some of it. Actually actually but who's a celebrity that like for sure you wouldn't want to do psychedelics wouldn't want to yeah oh uh rip taylor yeah rip taylor i think you'd be a guest yeah nick nolte good answer yeah really good answer or gary bucey even if he was fine and even if it was fun i feel like there would be something about just looking at him and just being like, oh, do I now look like you? Yeah. Like, am I treating myself the way you've treated yourself? Yeah. Who would you pick as least like wanting to be around a person on psychedelics? Oh, I don't know.

David Schwimmer. Oh, interesting pick. I don't know. First person I thought of. Yeah, I'll go with it. I stand by that. Yeah. David Schwimmer. Oh, interesting pick. I don't know. First person I thought of. Yeah, I'll go with it. I stand by that. Yeah. David Schwimmer.

Yeah. I don't really know. I don't know why. But there's a feeling there that it would be bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I'd have to do some caretaking. Like he would go off and be crying and screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I feel like his emotional Ferris wheel is high and low. It's a big wheel. His emotional Ferris wheel. I like that. I would end up having to kind of like run the ride, so to speak. I don't need your Ross neuroses. Yeah. Yeah, but maybe I'm just, I can't tell.

I might just be putting his character. Like I might just be like, he's like Ross, which is unfair to the Schwimms. That's true. Someone posted a picture of, oh, what's that show about the Witcher? Oh, the Witcher. I was going to say Sabrina. The Teenage Witcher. They posted a picture of the Witcher, who is like a black shirt and black leather pants.

And Ross, when he wore a black shirt and black leather pants. And Ross when he wore a black shirt and black leather pants. Nice. And it was like what you think you'll look like, what you actually look like when you put the clothes on. I got to say, Ross looks pretty good. He did look pretty good. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Like considering what anyone I know would look like in leather pants.

Yeah. I tried leather pants on the other day when I was consignment shopping and I was like, I think I'm going to be this person. So awry, like the Ricky and the flash kind of, uh, association was instant.

Um, wow. That is Ricky and the flash. I never saw. Oh, Jonathan Demi, baby. Get shocked. Oh, Jonathan Demme, baby. Get shocked.

So you didn't get the leather pants? You didn't get the leather pants? No, no, no, no. But that being your leather pant. I know. Like, thought. Were they black? I was as disturbed as you are.

Yes. Or no, no, purple. Oh, purple. Oh, okay. Purple, yeah, maybe. They're kind of maroon-y. Black leather pants was what I was thinking of and I immediately thought of Slash. Yeah.

When I was in grade five, my teacher, she wore a lot of leather pants. Did she? Yeah, Miss Russell. Damn. Cool. How did that make you think of her as a kid? I just thought she seemed... She was Calgary, everyone.

Yeah. She was a cowboy. She wore these like, it was very of the time, but she wore kind of that color, like a maroon kind of leather pant and like matching earrings. I just thought she was like, she was unlike the parents. That's what I thought. I was like, there's parents, adults, and then there's Miss Russell. And it was like a peek into another world.

I'm picturing the ants from the original Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Oh, okay. I thought you meant like little tiny insect ants. I'm picturing Woody Allen's feature film, Ants. I forgot that he's in that. What, yeah, have you ever owned a large leather piece of clothing, like bigger than a shoe?

I used to have a leather coat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, like a- I could see that for you. Like an orangey brown one? Yep. I remember that. Yeah.

I don't think i have um leatherless leatherless and loving it no it's fine so uh the psychedelics on goop yeah yeah you've been watching they were and then the third one i i only watched a few minutes of the uh cold water one because i was like psychedelics one was boring yeah this cold weather weather one boring i'm going right to the you know inner orgasm one oh yeah yeah yeah how was that uh do you like i guess the word is vulvas yeah there was a big uh differentiation between vaginas and vulvas sure um. Even Gwyneth didn't know. Oh, really? Even Gwyneth didn't know.

I've been telling people to shove things up. What? Gwyneth. And there is a lady who, this old lady comes on and she's like the orgasm expert. I've had a thousand of them. I didn't know women had them.

Huh? I didn't know. Huh. So I guess it's educational. Yeah, in some way I suppose. And the I know what I know about women. They steal fries.

They meet Joe Black. The end. The, yeah, yeah. They meet Joe Black. The end. The end. The two stages of women. Yeah, it turns out they got vulvas. But this woman comes in and she's like, you know, she's the expert. Yeah. And she.

She's an expert, really. Let's get clitorate. Have you heard this? No. Clitoracy? Okay. Do you want to expand on that? Would you like to expand on that? It's literally just what it sounds like.

What does it sound like? They were taking, I don't know, they took the word literate, they took the word clitoris. Then we're like, it was a movement educating people about the clitoris. And what were they educating them about? Well, just where it is what it is what is it it was a van that traveled around the country it was like a bookmobile yeah followed the grateful dead around uh but this woman comes in and she's and her name was oh boy betty betty Betty. Sure. Betty Friedman, original feminist.

And she, maybe it wasn't. And she comes in and she's the expert and she's like, I'm 90 years old. And you would have thought she was like 75. Yeah. But I Googled her. She's 90. Oh boy. She's doing great for 90.

Cool. Like, I got to say, women should start having orgasms. Yeah. Now that I've heard about that, I'm for it. Why? Now, this could be just the ones that I've seen, these experts, but it seemed to be older ladies. Because it was a, you know, Dr. Joyce Brothers was the one down in the States. Oh, yeah, that sounds right.

Dr. Ruth. Oh, yeah. Dr. Joyce Brothers was a little more in the States? Oh, yeah. That sounds right. Dr. Ruth. Dr. Joyce Brothers was a little more. She was like Dr. Oz kind of thing. Psychologist, I think. Oh. And then we had Sue Johansson. We had Sue Johansson. The Sunday Night Sex Show.

But she, like, I feel like. You not know this? No. Well, Sue Johansson was like an old curly haired lady. But I feel like that's maybe one of those 90s things where if we went back and looked it up she would have been like 45 yeah right yeah where you're like oh tony soprano's my age i feel bad but like i remember sue johansson she was she would she did like a sunday night call-in show yeah

and so it was all teens were the people that were calling in yeah and she would have like she would bring out a vibrator or like a banana

and put a condom on it she would have all this like anatomy on the and she was no nonsense like she was just like somebody would ask a question she would straight up

answer it no matter how bizarre the thing is. She'd be like, well, you're going to want to not stick that in there because that's, you know, it's going to be hard to get out and you're going to have to explain it to the doctors. I feel like that's the only way of handling that. Like I imagine with public health nurses and stuff going to schools where it's just like you take everything seriously, you answer it literally, literally, if you will. And then they won't, they'll stop asking because your answer was so boring.

Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, then they'll stop, the goofy questions will stop and people will be like, oh, I guess we're being serious. I'm serious too. I am wondering why I stink. Yeah. I should stop asking if I should put a grain of rice in my pee hole. What? I guess I am hole. Why do I stink?

I guess I am wondering. Why do I stink? Yeah, excuse me, ma'am. My friends keep telling me I stink, but they won't explain why. Yeah, no one's told me. Oh, that poor kid. These questions are like you write anonymous questions. You put them in a hat but then

she pulls it out why do i think everyone knows who's asking it it's pig pen yeah it's just sitting there with his armpits yeah um god it sucks puty sucks so bad. Stinking sucks. Take it from me. One who knows. Yeah, puberty is the worst. It's the worst. But, you know, at least you only have to do it once. Like, at least it's not like an annual thing. Menopause.

Menopause is kind of reverse puberty. What's menopause? I don't know. I don't know. We're trying to get clitorid about it. Yeah, I wish you would. It's like when men, you know, start dating a younger woman and driving a convertible. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool.

That's fine. You get that. In this weather, who wants a convertible? It's a death sentence. Oh, I have a convertible to drive here. Isn't that funny? See you later, Pontiac, or whatever. See you later. Have you put the roof down?

Yeah, I did once, but it was in the middle of winter and it was cold. But just because I could. Yeah, it's, I'm guessing, a Lambo? Yeah, yeah. It's a cool little Lambo. Nice. No, it's a, what is it? It's an Audi, I think. With the one with the Olympic rings on it.

Yeah, yeah. It's funny to have one. Is it like a rag top? Is that like a fabric? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Canvas top. Oh, wow. Yeah. But I worry about it in the rain. Because the fabric can take it. Oh, wow. Bag top, yeah. Cool. But I worry about it in the rain.

Yeah. Because the fabric can take it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I worry about those. They do all sorts of tests. I worry about those Jeeps that are like zip up, zip up, and then like they look like shower curtain windows. Yes.

I'm so glad someone's finally talking about this. Yeah, us. Honest to God, I do worry about them. Yeah. Yeah, where I'm like, someone's's gonna take that tent in for the winter or like the yeah the miatas that have the the i mean you do see a lot of cars here that people will just i guess they they can't drive them in the winter and they just put a tarp over them yeah and maybe a couple of cinder blocks on the tarp yeah the windshield that's as good as it gets.

You know, if you don't have a garage. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess that's nature's garage. Nature's garage is a tarp. Yeah. God made weather.

He made tarp. Yeah. Goop, tarp. What's up? Goop, tarp. What's up with me? Yeah. Oh, I, this past weekend, I went and did a show in a town called Gibson's in Specie, setting of the long-running Beachcombers television show.

The original Bachelor in Paradise. Yes, yes. Jerusee. There he is. I don't know that I, I remember watching that show as a kid But none of it stuck In my head Yeah I know there's a place called Maldi's Reach Which is still there

That's a diner There's a guy named Relic He wore the toque That's about what I remember as well And Bruno Gerussi That was kind of like The way that, that like mash didn't appeal to me cause it looked old and sad.

This just looked kind of old. It looked kind of like they shot it on the same kind of film stock as Degrassi. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Canadian grainy film stock. Yeah. Grainy.

Yeah. Yeah. And a little bit too 3d or something. I, I didn't get that. Okay. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of that. Okay. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of a fever I once had.

But you take a ferry over to get there. But it's not on an island. No. You go around an island? I don't know. But you end up on the coast. Oh, cool. end up on the coast.

Oh, cool. Um, and taking the ferry over, uh, there's only two ferries that leave from this, uh, departure. And,

uh, so there's one that goes to Nanaimo and then one that goes to somewhere that's not called Gibson. Langdale. Langdale. Yeah. So I said, I was like, uh,

uh, one for Gibson's please. And they were like Langdale or Nanaimo. And I was like, neither. Like I, Gibson's please. What were you, did you Gibsons, please. And they were like, Langdale or Nanaimo? And I was like, neither. Gibsons, please. Did you have a vehicle? Nope. Just walking on.

And they said, well, Gibsons is Langdale. And I was like, well, why don't you call it Gibsons then? She didn't think that was funny. But she gave me my ticket and said, follow the blue line to where the fair. Now there's only two fairies that leave from this area.

So, uh, you, you would think it would be like, there'd be some signage or something, but all there is is these lines on the ground that you follow. So I'm walking along the blue line and then all of a sudden there's a red line. And I was like, huh, what did she say about a red line to stay away from the red line or to definitely go on the red line yeah cut the red wire yeah what will happen so then uh i stayed on the blue line and i got on the ferry and without exaggeration five times before the ferry left they kept announcing this is the langdale ferry if you are going to nanaimo you are on the wrong ferry. I was like, well, you got to put up a sign. If it's working that poorly that you know that this happens all the time.

Yeah. Then this blue line nonsense is nonsense. Yeah. There's, you know, Kevin's mom is freaking out on the plane, realizing Kevin went to Langdale. Yeah. She's going to Nanaimo this Christmas. We're taking the whole family to Nanaimo. All 20 kids?

Yeah, there was a lot. How rich was that family? Well, do you see that house? They're doing all right. I guess they lived in a good neighborhood that wet bandits frequented. Yeah. Yeah. They were rich. Classic bad dittos.

They were rich. Although the kids were in economy but they had to send all the grown-ups in first class to france uh yeah i like that idea of the parents being like the flight is our time we're gonna sit at first class yeah back to economy i feel like that's if i had the money and a family and wanted to go to France, that's how I'd do it. Checking a lot of boxes. Yeah. So anyways, I was on the right ferry. I was like, if you have to make these announcements every time.

Put up a sign. Put up one sign that says where to go. They call that wayfinding. What is that? When they, like, the... That sounds like freeganism. Like, no, when I first heard the word, I thought it was like a, like, outdoor trekking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I think it's called wayfinding. Like, the practice of, like, how they put up signs in a subway station. Of, like, or when you get to the airport, like international that way, arrivals, departures, and like how often to like have a sign that repeated, like,

so if you're walking this way, you don't get confused and then go the other way. Yeah. Cause this was like, well beyond getting a ticket, you are all completely on your, on your own. And, uh, yeah. anyways, it just seems weird.

Like I'm like, well, this has obviously been going on for years. Yeah. Because they have to make these announcements. Seriously. And then, yeah, I went. The thing about doing a show in any of these towns is that by the time the show is over, the town is closed. Yes. Oh, yeah. I did a show with you

in gibson's once and we it was at the movie theater in gibson oh yes i do remember and we were staying at a house so far away yeah yeah yeah yeah did we have to walk we did both ways no we had to walk back okay yeah but like yeah that's the the thing is once you're done the show and you're like okay now i would like to eat something or and uh the the town is like no nope so we went to a place as literally as we walked in there like we're doing last call it was like okay fine we'll have a hundred beers yeah if i must We'll have a hundred beers. Yeah. If I must, I'll take a hundred. And, uh, and so, you know, we, we managed to just squeak, squeak out, uh, something, a drink.

And so who's we, uh, myself and the other folks on the show, uh, Toby Hargrave was the guy who put on the show and, uh, the middle act was melanie rose ah um but uh when i was at the bar waiting for my beers some guy just struck up a conversation with me which does not happen in vancouver oh fun uh yeah does it happen to you uh uh yeah i think it does yeah Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be honest. Fry energy. Well, I've got Fry-er-nergy. I think it's also just being a woman. Yeah. That's basically what Fry energy is. Yeah. You may go into it in the goop show.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. I can't wait for that ebb. But like, he was telling me what this bar that we were in used to be. And I was like, it used to be an auto shop. telling me what this bar that we were in used to be and i was like it was used to be an auto shop and i was like what is the age where you start telling people things that used to be a bank or this used to be a record store because you do know those things and you do somewhere deep down

inside of you think that that's interesting yes i agree yeah but when what is the age where you start publicly telling people well this used to be a furniture store i say go for it yeah i think are you like i don't want to cultivate a personality of that guy who's always saying that yeah i'm worried about that i'm worried i'm worried that i'm not old enough to be there but i know that it's on the horizon yeah i mean the the changeover rate these days you can be younger than you used to have to be to know that's true

how old was Madonna when she wrote this used to be my playground well that's a good guide that's a good guide oh league of their own what do I know that from and so have you tested the waters have you tried telling people i felt like this was hearing it from him triggered something in me

where i was like huh i know a lot of places like this like i know a lot of places that used to be an auto shop and are now a barber shop or like just imagining you like bottling it up for years and years and then all it was just being like that used to be a record store that used to be a barbershop did you know that this used to be a video rental location like you just like cannot contain it anymore yeah yeah that's what i'm worried i'm worried yeah like if i don't have some kind of release valve that i'm just gonna explode you could organize a formal one you could do a jane's walk do you guys have have Jane's walk here?

Is that just in Toronto? Oh, I thought it was national. But it's basically where locals, it's one day of the year, and you create your own walking tour of the city. So you can show people things that you know about a neighborhood. Oh. And then all the Jane's walks are listed on their website. It's like jane.com slash walk or whatever. I don't think it's jane.com.

But then, yeah, so you're basically getting to see people's versions of a neighborhood. I love this. Yeah, I love it too. Because I want to go on one of those tours and then I want to walk around that neighborhood with somebody who wasn't on the tour and then say all the things. And then you can tell them, you should do it. Come to Toronto, do a Jane's walk. That's fun.

That is fun. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah. I did one that was like in a labyrinth in High Park. Okay. Got a really bad sunburn. But it was, yes, she was telling us about this like history of meditation and the labyrinth. And then we all did this labyrinth walk together.

Huh. Us and Jane. Was it always a Jane? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You have to be a Jane. Oh, boy. No.

I don't know. It was named after someone who. Walked. Could walk. Yeah. I, we get listeners who say they're coming to Vancouver and want to do like the things we talk about on the podcast. Oh, yeah. Which is always kind of a bummer because it's like, here's the bad mall.

I want to go to this bad mall. I want to go to this bad mall. You got to go to the different malls. You've got to go to Dude Chilling Park. Yeah, you got it. Oh, yeah. Dude Chilling Park. Yeah.

Yeah. Why does it have that name? There was a statue sculpture of a guy kind of in repose. Maybe like one of your dudes chilling. And people kind of called it, I guess people kind of called it Dude Chilling Park. It was called Guelph Park. Yeah. And then they officially changed the name.

To Dude Chilling Park. But someone made a fake sign that looked like a legitimate sign as kind of an art piece. Yeah. And then they adopted it. Oh as kind of an art piece. Yeah. And then they adopted it. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. I love that.

And is it something the locals like and approve of? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I guess so. I don't know. Yeah. We didn't vote against it. Yeah.

We didn't vote a mayor into power who said he was going to get rid of it. I don't know anyone who cares about like. Sure. Or like who would raise a fuss about it. Right. Yeah. Although who cares about like, or like, who would raise a fuss about it. Right. Yeah. Although,

there's only somebody, you know what I mean? Yeah. There's only somebody. With their, you know, pitchfork raise at the town hall meeting.

Yeah, exactly. I, well, so speaking of telling people what things used to be, I will tell my children and they do not care. Yeah.

Like, and they can't really even fathom, what do you mean? Right, past or future? Yeah. Yeah. Like, and they can't really even fathom. What do you mean? Like. Right. Past or future. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. This grocery store used to be a different kind of grocery store. Right. The Safeway used to be a Sobeys. Yeah. Yeah. This playground.

Well, or this community garden used to be a gas station. But the ground is poisoned. Yeah. It is a weird. It is a weird thing to do. Like, that must be a phase of. the ground is poisoned yeah it is a weird it is a weird thing to to like that must be a phase of uh what am i trying to say of like cognitive development too is when you're when you're able to process that like oh this house other people used to occupy it or it used to have a totally different life yeah or yeah i would like we drove past the house i grew up in

and i was like i used to live here and they could not understand. Yeah. I remember actually my dad telling me my, like, he was like, your grandma grew up in this house. I was like, grandma did not grow up. I was furious. I was like, grandma's grandma. Yeah.

Like grandma was never like me. Or like. And I'll never be like her. Yeah, totally. And yet here you are. And yet here I am, a grandma. Yeah, totally. And yet, here you are. And yet, here I am, a grandma. Yeah. 87 years young.

So many orgasms keeping me there. Grandma. Grandma. Hey. This is not table talk. Oh, sorry. My agent's literally gone. Oh, do you want to take this?

No, obviously not. No, why not? This could be a big break for you. No, never. Well, do we want to move on to some overhears? Okay. Sure. Hey, everyone.

Alden Ford here with the cast of Mission to Zix. Hello. Our fourth season premieres on February 19th, and for those of you who aren't familiar with the show, we decided to ask one of our characters to give you a quick recap of what's happened so far. Say hello to the clone trooper, AJ. Who are you people?

What's happening? Okay, AJ, put your gun down. AJ, can you just tell us what's happened in the Zix Quadrant in the last couple seasons? Oh, well, we destroyed the Emperor. Oh, really? Okay, great. Yeah, I mean, I think so. We knocked him into a chasm. Mr. Robotman and Barchi's ship crashed through a window, and

Dar and Baby Horsehead and I took out, like, a bunch of bad guys. Papa fulfilled his destiny. And the lizard was there too. Okay, great. I guess I'm sort of asking what the show is like. Oh, you mean like it's an improvised, serialized, workplace-based opera featuring brilliant sound design, incredible guest stars, and an epic, hilarious tale of fresh versus whack?

Oh, yeah, wow. Where did you come up with that? Jesse Thornton told me to write that on my palm. Okay, all right. Well, Mission to Zik season four debuts on February 19th on Maximum Fun. Check it out. Hey, I'm Jared Hill, co-host of the brand new Maximum Fun podcast, Fanti. And I'm Travelle Anderson. I'm the other more fabulous co-host and the reason you really should be tuning in. I feel the

nausea rising. To be Fanti is to be a big fan of something but also have some challenging or anti-feelings toward it. Kind of like Kanye. We're all fans of Kanye. He's a musical genius, but like, you know. He thinks slavery is a choice. Or like the real Housewives of Atlanta. Like, I love the drama,

but do I want to see black women fighting each other on screen? We're tackling all of those complex and complicated conversations about the people, places, and things that we love. Even though they may not love us back. Fan Time. Maximum Fun. Podcast. Meow. Oh, I missed you so much. They waited up all night for you, you know. It's a long way from West Africa. Oh, real coffee. You don't have that in Africa?

He's here. I brought you something from far away. Really? Yeah. Oh. Oh, a box. What are you doing? Here's my present this year.

That is pretty sexy. Yeah. You can tell that in the copy it was fine. Yeah. And then it was like in the direction and performance that's just like so off. And they accidentally cast two people who have been fucking for years. Yeah, totally. And the parents are like, he's here.

We've got to get downstairs before they fuck. We've got to keep them away from each other. They come down with a spray bottle. Overheard's a segment in which we hear things out there in the great wide world. And then we bring them in here to the podcast studio and share them. And we always like to start with the guest. Uh-huh. Tess, would you lead the charge?

Yeah, I don't think I'm good at these, but I'm going to try. Okay. That's all right. As long as you try. So I was walking downtown a couple days ago, and I heard a guy on his phone just being like, look, I don't want to hear any more about it. I'll take 10. You had me at hello. Don't talk to me out of a sale.

Yeah. Talk to yourself out of a sale. Something in me really liked imagining that it was like, I don't know that there was another version of it where it was someone was like making homemade macrame and was being really self-deprecating or something. And he was like, no, you know what? You need to start respecting yourself. Not only do I want one. I want ten. I'm going to have you macrame the rest of the year. You have got a gift. I want you to look in the mirror and say

I'll take 10 I will make 10 and you'll take 10 exactly Dave do you have an overheard? yeah mine is I went to a hockey game a couple days ago we won it

we beat the Stanley Cup champions. You were playing? Oh, you know what? Yeah. Yeah. Dave stood it up for a couple minutes. I wasn't on the ice, but I was playing. My heart was in it more than anyone else's.

I care so deeply. So leave me alone. Yeah, I guess I was playing. And in the third period, they have Nearly Neil come out. Oh, yeah. Nearly Neil is a Neil Diamond impersonator. Oh. And he rules.

He's a Neil deGrasse Tyson impersonator. Yeah, he comes out in his vest. Yeah, he's like, space is infinite. Yeah, he comes and debunks movies, takes the fun out of things. Maybe gropes someone while he's at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why not? Yeah.

No, Neil Diamond comes out. Nearly Neil. Mm-hmm. Neil Diamond impersonator. Who rules? Yeah. This guy, he does Sweet Caroline. Sure.

Obviously. The crowd joins in, and he has got the biggest smile on his face. He has to have that hair all the time. Yeah. Right. That long old man balding hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

With the sideburns. Picture in it. Yeah. He's got to live the kneel. Does he have a sparkly jacket? No. Well, he has a sparkly shirt when I saw him. Maybe his pants were sparkly too.

Oh. Why not? Bonus sparks. Yeah. And so he's singing, and the people behind me say, Oh, yeah, that guy's, what's his name? Neil Sedaka? Just put in all that work.

And then the person next to him said, Oh, he's like that 1960s icon. 1960s icon, Nielsen. And the guy goes, no, 80s. Wow. Wow. They're like the internet come to life.

Yes. Yeah, they're at the comment section. Just misinformation reacting to misinformation. I think he's cool. I think this guy's cool yeah you think he rules you said it like four times yeah i do think he rules yeah he does rule it sounds like he rules oh i hope he i have nothing i hope he listens to this i have like i hope he doesn't i hope he doesn't get canceled yeah yeah yeah if you oh yes and i'm not talking about neil diamond i'm talking about nearly neil yeah if you're if the I hope he doesn't get canceled. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you... Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about Neil Diamond.

I'm talking about nearly Neil. Yeah. If the person you're impersonating gets canceled, do you also get canceled? Yeah, that's a weird one. Oh, yeah. You must. It must be tough for Michael Jackson impersonators these days. Yeah, truly.

A lot of them still exist. Woody Allen impersonators. A lot of Woody Allen impersonators. It's been hard for them for a long time. Just picturing a kid's birthday party i got that guy you like from toy story ants you mean no because it's this is apparent uh misreading and not getting woody from toy story but getting Woody Allen. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, and Buzz, I don't know,

who's another one? Buzz Aldrin. Yeah. Buzz Aldrin's here. Buzz, the brother from Home Alone. What's up with you? Oh, overheard. Overheard-wise,

when I did this gig in Gibson's, I stayed at Toby Hargraves house and Oh, he lives there. He lives there. That makes a lot of sense now. Yeah.

Uh, and he has, uh, two kids. Uh, one went skiing, but the other one stayed at the house and we were having breakfast. And, uh, this is just an overheard between me and his son who, uh, was very cute. Uh, I sat down at the table and I was like, hey, are you excited for breakfast? And he went, yay, breakfast! He wasn't excited about it until I asked him. And he really racked up the excitement. Put the idea in his head.

It sounds like you were really excited for breakfast. Yeah, I was so excited for breakfast. You're like a breakfast hype man. Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody. We all excited for breakfast? Woo! Yeah a breakfast hype man. Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody. We all excited for breakfast? Woo! Yeah, 2020.

I can't hear you. Taking a kid skiing. God. What's that from? Well, Toby was taking his other kid went skiing. Oh, I understand. Yeah. I was talking to my brother the other day, and he's got older kids than I do, and they've never been skiing.

And I felt such a weight lifted off my shoulders. Because we all went skiing when I was a kid. Yeah. And I hated it. Yeah. I liked it when I got older, but when I was a kid, it was the worst. And you have to carry your gear, and your boots hurt. And carrying gear was tough. I remember even skating sucking, because it felt like there was so much prep.

The lace-up felt like it took an hour. But I think it only probably took three minutes. Yes. But I was just like, because I don't really see a ton of upside to taking my kids skiing. Yeah, right. And so to have someone else be like, why would you do that? Like, why would you take your kids skiing? Yeah.

Yeah. But, you know, once that one kid shows up at school with that ski tag on their jacket. Oh, sure. Then it's a ripple. Well, and I was looking at Margo's school calendar and like every Thursday of the month, all the grade fives are going skiing. I was like, well, I guess I got five years. Five years before it all comes crashing down.

And how do you, like are there training skis? Do they hold on to your butt or whatever while you ski down? Or do you just literally put on skis and kind of push them down a small hill? Yeah, they go down like a little bunny hill bunny hill right there there's like a thing where yeah you they they learn how the different shapes to make their skis so they can go faster oh yeah pizza pizza french fries and uh sometimes the woman's shape yes yes good uh and then there's like maybe the instructor will put the kid between their legs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes I think there was even like a train. Everybody held on to the person in front of them. Right. Ski poles. Some kind of.

Oh, yeah. Ski poles. Yeah. That's a good way. Although you don't start with poles. I think you start pole free. Yeah. Pole free. That's a good way. Although you don't start with poles. I think you start pole-free. Yeah. Pole-free is 93.

Now, we also have overheard sent in from listeners all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Justin in Oklahoma. I just took my dog to the vet, and while in the exam room, I could hear one of the assistants trying to explain to her significant other where their kid's pediatrician's office was located. After the third call or so, I could tell she was getting very frustrated. The last I was able to hear of this escalating argument was, I don't care if your truck is too big to park there, you have to take him to the doctor. That's his excuse? i couldn't park yeah my truck was too big to park there pediatrician so i took him home yeah still sick oh no i'm it's what you married an 18 wheeler driver honey you knew when when you joined this convoy that it was for life.

You knew when I joined the union. But we've got to get all this Coors over the mountain. Which is, I think, the plot of one of those movies. Yeah, sure. There was a whole... There's a sick kid. He needs Coors. Yeah.

There definitely was a whole genre of trucking movies in the 70s that were, everybody was obsessed with trucking. Yeah. Yeah. And ham radios. Oh, yeah. The two go ham and ham. I'll leave. Tess, where are you going?

Come back. No, no. Tess, where are you going? Come back. No, no. About this time last year, I was on tour with This Is That. And the rental car had XM Radio. And we spent a lot of time listening to Trucker Radio.

Really? Yeah. What did you find? There was a lot of people calling in about different kinds of insurance claims. There were a lot of call-in shows. One about if you want to be an owner-operator of your own truck, here are some things to consider. Do you want to be carrying heavy machinery?

Do you want to drive a refrigerator truck? Yeah. Are they heavier? A refrigerated truck? Interesting. Probably. We didn't get to that. We'll get to that later in the show. If the other option was heavy machinery to that. Okay. We'll get to that later in the show. Okay, awesome. Great.

If the other option was heavy machinery, that sounds heavier. It does sound heavier than just kind of cold. Yeah. Than just cold air. Cold machinery. Yeah. It won't be, you know, it's not going to be around that much longer, the long haul truck driver. They're all going to be automated. Robots, yeah.

And then, so, you know, if you're thinking about a career in trucking, get on it. Because it's not going to be around for a long time. Seize the day. Carpe diem. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, truck-a-diem. Will robot trucks pick up hitchhikers? Hmm, think about that.

I think, I imagine ones that have a setting that do and ones that have a setting that don't. It's just like a switch you can turn on and off. A hitch switch. For your on and off a hitch switch you're on fire come on i need to put myself uh in a grave go on all right do a hitch switch ham ham ham and ham that's better than ham ham a new kind of ham made out of ham. It's ham formed from a ham. Yeah, you know what rhymes with ham? Ham.

This next one comes from Ryan in Seattle. I was on a train commuting to work this morning, and I heard the following conversation. Guy one, did you hear that Cinco de Mayo falls on Taco Tuesday this year? Guy two, that's amazing. That's like if Halloween were to fall on Friday the 13th. Yeah. Oh, well. Oh, that's very good.

Yeah. Yeah. Two dummies. Two dummies having a convo. Is Taco Tuesday every Tuesday? Yes. I guess so. So he's just saying Cinco de Mayo is on a Tuesday?

Yeah. But in his head, maybe every day has a special thing. Oh, yeah. Wings Wednesday. Wings Wednesday, yeah. Yeah. Thirsty Thursdays. Thirsty Thursdays, yeah.

TGI Fridays. Yep. Where you just go to TGI Fridays. Yeah. Nice. Where you just pray, thanking the Lord above that it is, in fact, Friday. This last one comes from Paulette in Salt Lake City, Utah. I was in the podiatrist's waiting room along with a man and his mom.

Both were quite old. The live action Aladdin movie was playing on the TV. The song A Whole New World comes on. They're flying on a magic carpet over sand. And the man asked his mom, is that a frozen? And the mom says, I think so. Yeah. Is that a frozen?

That's very good. I think so. That is very good. Also, because I feel like the climate's so warm. In Aladdin? Yeah. Yeah. And it's, yeah, it's not so different from what you heard on your ham radio either no the trucker's being like are you driving a frozen you're driving a frozen yeah i've got i'm hauling a lot of uh snowmen back here um also like as an old person

i feel like it must be confusing. I mean, personally, I'm kind of confused how soon movies get out of the movie theater and then are available in your podiatrist's office. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that is true. I didn't necessarily know that movie had even come out. Yeah, if Disney made an animated movie, the live action one has already come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some of them,

like, didn't Lady of the Tramp just go straight to the streaming? To Disney Plus, yeah. Oh, crazy, yeah. I hope they kept that scene where those guys are watching the dogs kiss

in the alley. I don't think of it as the guys watching. No, no, she's right. It's about a pervert who wants to see dogs kiss. Actually, that's why they couldn't put it in movie theaters. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that seems pretty intense. They got an NC-17 rating and they were like, we'll just put it right on our streaming service.

Do dogs kiss on the lips? On their weird black gummy lips? Yeah, like, do they kiss? No. No, they lick each other. Yeah, that's what I thought. But they kiss in Lady and the Tramp.

They don't kiss. Their lips meet when they're eating the same spaghetti. Well, no, but in the live action version they smell each other's butt and that's just as good.

Is that true? No, it's not. Oh. You should be the actor. Yes, I'm the actor now. Graham, Graham, noises off. Go off go slam that door

honestly you're hired in addition overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one. Like these people have. Okay. And here we go. And here it is. And it's loading. And you have to trust me on this. And here they go. And I beg you, just have a little bit of patience with me here.

And here we go. And there. Hey, Dave and Graham and probable guests. This is Mike in Spokane washington i was at the local butchers this last weekend in a rougher part of town and standing in line behind a man checking out who pretty crusty rough looking guy ringing up with a bottle of soda and a bottle of water and he was telling the equally crusty and hard-looking cashier that he's battling cramps all week and that's why he was buying the bottle of water the cashier responded and said salt you need salt if you're dealing with cramps.

And the man said, yeah, I was going to buy a bottle of mustard too, but you're all out. Okay, off I go. The number one source of salt, mustard. Well, we were talking about hockey players eating weird things on the bench a few weeks ago, and there was a guy this year who ate a packet of mustard for cramps.

For cramps? Yeah. Really? Apparently. I once saw someone do an inspirational talk about climbing Everest, and the fun fact was like, we actually had to order more Pringles. And it's fun. Yeah.

And I remember being like, why? But I think it had something to do with cramps. Yeah, maybe salt. Yeah. I always heard bananas. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For the cramp food.

I really, the pace of that one was just perfect. Yeah. You really captured the scene. He was in the Crest District. Yeah, he was down in the wrong part of town town of the butchers which is uh that's the butcher you want to go to you want to go to somebody who's like not afraid you know yeah to really get in there and butch yeah they're butchering it up but they're all out of meat they're all no they're all out of mustard yeah no more mustard yeah i like that this is a butcher

that also sells soda and mustard yeah yeah water they're just grabbing a bottle of water like maybe it was a deli oh yeah yeah that's true and they do slice meat at a deli exactly kind of like a butch yeah they don't yeah although like yeah a regular butcher they're not like killing animals on premises no but there's you know like when i think of a butcher i'm thinking of a guy and an apron with blood on it. Yeah, I guess a deli, whatever meat they're slicing is cooked. Yeah. You know, your hams.

Your rhymes with ham. Yeah. Next phone call. Hi, Graham and Dave, impossible guests. This is Lauren calling from San Francisco with a kind of, I guess, an overheard and an overseen. So the other day I was getting lunch at Subway and I got my sandwich and I brought it back to the car. And I was sitting there and I heard this music coming from somewhere, like live music. And I looked over my shoulder, and I saw a man just in the middle of the parking lot

playing an accordion. And I was like, oh, that's really cool. You know, he has a good talent there. And as I was listening, I realized he only knew one song, which was Havana by Kimu Kabeo, which is actually one of my favorite songs. So as I was eating my delicious subway sandwich, I had very nice music playing for me as I had my lunch. So that's my overheard. That's really nice. That is really nice.

Havana, ooh-na-na. Nothing conjures Havana quite like the accordion. And Subway. A Cubano sub-sandwich from Subway. Yeah, you don't see accordion players just out and about. No. I think there's one on Granville Island. Yeah, that's Buskertown players just out and about. No. I think there's one on Granville Island. Yeah, that's Buskertown.

Buskertown, yes. Yeah. Forget it, Jake. It's Buskertown. Yeah. Although it's one of the better troubadour instruments. We can walk around with it. Yeah.

What's the worst troubadour instrument? The, you know, pipe organ. Yeah. That's right. You've got to bring a medieval cathedral with you. It has a church, pipe organ. Yeah. That's right. You've got to bring a medieval cathedral with you. It has a church attached to it. Yeah. Let's take this church on the road.

I mean, that's sort of what, when I do my missionary work, that's kind of what I like to do. Church on the road sounds like a show that would be on Sunday morning. Yes. Like you would watch a couple cartoons and then it'd be like, coming up on Church on the Road. Yes.

Just be a big tent full of worshippers. Yeah. Or like going to different churches from town to town. This week we're in Minnesota. Oh, yeah. Yeah, a lot of monochrome suits where you'd be like, I guess there's a group of adults all wearing monochrome suits. Yeah. Yeah, but like a brown suit. I want some razzle group of adults all wearing monochrome suits. Yeah. Yeah. But like a brown suit.

I want some razzle dazzle. I want some very colorful suits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Suits just kind of come in like that one palette. Yeah.

Like if somebody showed up to work in a red suit, everybody would be like, uh-oh. Uh-oh. Someone's going to get drafted into the nba someone's been watching dick tracy again this is plasticine on your face too here's your final phone call hi dave graham and possible guests this is brandon p from topeka kansas calling in an overheard. I was in line at Chipotle the other night and there were a couple of

10th or 11th grade high school girls standing behind us and one of them coughs and is like, yeah, I've been getting pretty sick recently. The girl standing next to her is like, yeah, your throat sounds terrible.

And the first girl, the first girl turns to her and is like, yeah, no, but look at it. It's cool. Her friend says, it's not cool. It's gross. And she goes, it's not gross. Look at it. It's a bright red. cool, it's gross. And she goes, it's not gross, look at it, it's bright red. Anyway, off I go. Thanks.

I got lost. I got lost in the story there. Oh, in the giant gap in the middle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think she was showing her friend her disgusting throat, I think. And her friend was like, you're disgusting. And she was like, I think I'm cool. I think it's cool. And the reason i'm cool i think it's cool and

the reason it's cool is that it's red yeah look how red my throat has gotten yeah i assume throat that's a cool brag yeah yeah i mean if you got it flaunted yeah you got a weird throat flaunt it's another version i think of people who like if you whatever run into the run into a table and get a big bruise, and then are just like, check out how purple this bruise is. And then you come back in a couple days, look how yellow it's turning. No, it's yellow, man. Having a bruise

is fun. Like, getting one is bad, but having one rules. Yeah, it's so true. It's like the opposite of paper cut. Getting one rules, but having one sucks. Getting one rules, yeah. I hate running my hands through my hair with a paper cut. Getting one rules, but having one sucks. Getting one rules, yeah. I hate running my hands through my hair with a paper cut. Nothing worse.

Oh, yeah. I mean, cutting lemons is worse. Oh, yeah, that's worse. Squeezing lemons. Yeah, I guess there's lots of worse stuff. But, yeah, next time we get a paper cut, I'm going to try that. Run my head through my hair. No, it's so bad.

You get hair? You just reopen it. No little slices of hair go in the cut and then i just like go back and forth in it i'm gonna do it though yeah i just want to feel alive yeah i get it um bruce does have yeah yeah you're right it's also like oh my body's finally kind of camo yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just fun to see your, like, the function of everything. It's all working, you know? Oh, yeah.

It's odd because looking at my kids now, they are constantly, their legs are constantly bruised. Yeah. Like, it was just, it's odd that, like, when you grow up, you figure out not to run at full speed into stuff. It's true. And I thought as a parent you have to just be like okay that this is how

you learn this. I guess. But yeah. Yeah. It's just a bruise. Yeah. And bruises are cool. Now Tess

this brings us to the end of the show. Bye bye. Bye. Bye. You are doing this show Noises Off until until February 23rd. Bye. You are doing this show, Noises Off, until?

Until February 23rd. Yes. And then do you have anything upcoming that you want to plug? No. No? Back in Toronto? You know what? I don't have a date for this yet, but I'll probably post it on my own Twitter.

I want to produce a Grown Ups 3 reading here in Vancouver. Yeah. Oh. Because, yeah, Vancouver. Yeah. Oh. Because, yeah, Vancouver hasn't had one. So I will be doing that. So somebody look at my Twitter if you care about this. But don't react to any of the Bachelorette posts. No, yeah.

Please keep that as a thing that I worry that I only dream dreaming and only dreaming that I'm tweeting. Yeah. Okay. All right. And then maybe even though we talked about it and confirmed it, did we? Or was that a dream? Yeah. Or was that a dream?

I don't know. It's pretty early in the morning. Yeah. It's true. Dream within a dream within a dream. Oh, cool. Noises off. Noises off, please.

Yeah. Even though this play is called No called noises off please turn your phones off oh i wish i'll tell them to do it yeah that's fun okay yeah um even though it should be called it should be because this yeah that's true that's true i know in most plays you would like your your phone to be on because having your phone on is fun. And it rules. And it rules, yeah. Yeah. Rules as much as bruises. Am I right? Who here likes bruises?

Rules as much as bruises and nearly kneel. Anyway, could you guys turn them off though? Yeah. Well, don't worry about it. Do we have anything?

When's your show in the fest? The 22nd? 22nd of February the quid show with Graham Clark and what a time it'll be

and you know what Max Fun Drive is coming up soon yeah get your wallets ready yeah

get your skis shined up grab a stick of juicy fruit that's alright thank you everybody for listening to the show. If you enjoy the show, why not tell your friends and come on back next week

for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.