Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 628 - Steph Tolev

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Comedian Steph Tolev returns to talk new puppies, isolation prep, and confused cab drivers.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 628 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who he likes to keep it squeaky clean, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I, um, my act? Yeah, yeah, your act, your general approach to life.

Yeah, I do a lot of corporates. What's your big opener at the corporate? Okay, squeaky clean stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's stuff that everyone can enjoy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, boy, what's the highest common denominator? Sandwiches.

Yeah. Hey, everybody. Who likes sandwiches? Boo, I'm gluten free. Oh, fuck. Well, I mean, I'm not, fuck. Oh, shit. Squeaky.

The squeaky clean comedy that goes off the rails immediately. Oh, tits. Oh, boy. Our guest today, not a squeaky clean comedian at all. You can hear her comedy stylings

On her comedy album Which is called I'm Not Well Which is available on all the outlets Everywhere you can get an album Listen to her album It's Steph Tolove is our guest Hello, hi Hello Steph

Thanks for having me back I think it's my fifth one I'm very excited Really? Five Timers Club Nice I think so Yeah, well we'll have to get you

The Five Timers robe Oh boy That would really cut into our costs because we only have about eight guests who rotate over. Also, I was recognized because of this podcast in LA. Get out. Yeah, this guy came to a show and he was like, I knew I knew you. Stop podcasting yourself.

I'm like, what? He's like, I knew I knew that voice. I'm like, huh. Cool. There you go. All right. I'm getting recognized because of you guys. A little community outreach. Yeah. They can try to close their borders, but I'm like, huh. Cool. There you go. All right. I'm getting recognized because of you guys. A little community outreach.

Yeah. Maybe they can try to close their borders, but our podcast will persevere. Yes. Yes. Steph, you're also on the Bill Burr. What's that thing called? The Ringers. The Ringers.

What's that thing called? Yeah, the really big thing you did. Thank you so much. No idea what it's fucking called. No, but it's a name that's like. It's a weird thing. Yeah, it's a weird name. It's also the Bill Burr Presents, the Ringers. It's a lot to take in. It's fucking called. No, but it's a name that's like... It's a weird thing. Yeah, it's a weird name. It's also like Bailber Presents, The Ringers.

It's a lot to take in. It's a lot. Well, do you want to get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. How was that? How was that? It was very interesting.

It was good. Bail's a really nice guy. Yeah. Like insanely cool and chill. And like when I was outside I was outside panicking. This is like my first American TV debut, which is a big, big deal.

I think. Just tell it for anybody who hasn't seen it. What is the premise of the show? So the premise is that Bill Burr has picked, or like comics have like reference, referred other comedians. So like there's like 17 of us, I think the next up and comers.

Sort of. Yeah. So the comics have been like grinding for a while and hasn't really, you know, had their chance, whatever kind of thing. So is that, that was the premise of this.

And then, so Bill had to prove everyone's all the sets. So he had to see like, so it wasn't like he saw me as a girl sucks. He had to actually like, like me, that must feel good. It felt cool.

Yeah, it was very cool. And then you have an interview with him a sit down interview which is I talked about my dad killing I think I told this on here

killing somebody like we can't do this it was very strange anyway it was fine I had to go back and tell another story I'm like this is weird and then

yeah he was so nice like I was pacing outside I was so nervous to go on and then I didn't know who it was and he's like hey and I'm like can I help you

and he took his hat off and he's like it's Bill I'm like oh I thought you were homeless and he's like what and I was like oh my god and I'm like took his hat off and he's like it's Bill I'm like oh I thought you were homeless and he's like what and I was like oh my god

and I'm like I just told Bill he was homeless I'm like what am I fucking doing right now I looked crazy but it was great

I like that your go to line is can I help you can I help you I think you're homeless yeah we were downtown it was scary

it's oh sure it was a lot but yeah the diamond district so everyone hey listeners hi listeners we are recording this on the uh 13th of march yeah just to date this lucky number 13 lucky number friday the 13th uh and we are uh because this episode is probably going to become very dated

uh very soon because this is our first one since the pandemic was declared. So just so you know, at the time of this recording, we're good. Yes. Yeah. But this will be a nice little time capsule. Yeah. We'll be able to look back and go, you know, boy, what were they talking about back then? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. So, um, I, I apologize if we seem like we're having fun and the world is burning around us at the time of this is really. Yes.

Yeah. Oh, that's really scary to think. Yeah. Yeah. God damn it. Um, you know,

uh, uh, we hope everybody out there is doing all right. And, uh, this isn't a call in show, so you can't call in and let us know one way or the other. Yeah. I mean, you could leave a note. If you overhear something about whether you're doing all right, you can send that in. Yeah, absolutely.

Drop us a line. But, yes. So, hello, Steph. Yes. I've disclaimed it. Yeah. I've disclaimed it yeah and so you you're in town just for an evening

and then you were you were supposed to go to Canada's music awards because your album is nominated for

Juno yes yes this is very upsetting yes very upsetting yeah

because it's one of those things where I'm like I don't think this will happen again so it's like oh I don't believe that well I'm waiting to do another album it's a lot it's one of those things where I'm like I don't think this will happen again so it's like oh I don't believe that well I'm going to

do another album it's a lot it's a lot of work yeah you'll do another album I've done four really? two Lady Stash

and two of mine I'm like I'm tired now you've done four albums? two sketch albums and two stand up albums yeah I'm like this is a lot that is a lot

I mean I knew that I have them all I was listening right now I thought you were homeless yeah that's amazing you've done four albums yeah that's great Lady Stash is one I knew that. I have them all. Yeah. I was listening right now. I thought you were homeless. That's amazing. You've done four albums. Yeah.

That's great. Lady Stash is one that just came out like two months ago. So it's. And Lady Stash is your sketch duo? Yeah, my sketch duo. Yes. But I'm just like, that's unless that gets nominated. It's like, I don't know what the hell.

And I don't think a sketch album will get nominated. That seems kind of wild. It might. It should. I mean. I mean, not yours. But like. I mean, I don't know. I mean, not yours, but like, I mean,

I don't know. I mean, oh boy. I'm going to play it in your sleep. I think, I think it's, it's a,

they can nominate a sketch album. Yeah, why not? Yep. Sure. It would qualify. Okay.

I look to Graham because he's the, Is he the man? He's sort of the, I was part of the committee that helped bring the Juno for the comedy album thank you so much you're welcome i mean now i can't even you know and um and when you were there you're

like a lot of people were saying no sketch yeah yeah yeah and i was like yes sketch but no improv an improv album would be an actual nightmare. Oh my God. It's basically a podcast. It is. It really is. Um, so group improv. Who are you nominated against? Sophie Buttle,

Vancouver, sweetheart. Yes. Uh, Adam Christie, Toronto, sweetheart. Toronto,

sweetheart. Uh, Monty Scott, Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, sweetheart. Uh,

and Jarrett Campbell. Sweetheart, parts unknown? Yeah, he doesn't get a sweetheart from me. We're not on the best terms. Okay, really? That's what he gets. Wow.

We'll keep it there, but that's all I'm going to say. Okay, fair enough. That's it. Everybody else got something nice, and I was like, do I have to say that? The Junos, for anybody out of the country that doesn't know, it's an award show that travels around. Every year it's a different city hosts it.

So this year you were going to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Who was hosting it? Jan Arden? No, Alicia Cara. And in the ads for the Junos, she's so low energy. Oh, yeah. and in the ads for the Junos she's so low energy oh yeah that it was like are you being told you have to host these

oh yeah she does not want it and then she was like doing I was watching some weird interview of her like oh it was like remember the first time

I won and she's like scratching her head and like looking around I'm like oh this can't be the host it seems she's great

but I'm like why don't you get somebody yeah why do they choose when you get the star of Jan Jan Ar you get somebody else to host? Why don't you get the star of Jan? Jan Arden.

They get musicians to host it, and there aren't that many that are good with patter. Yeah. Who are the best? Michael Bublé. Michael Bublé. And they have to be Canadian as well. That's right. Yes.

But who in general are the funniest? Canadian musicians? Or just musicians. Who are the funniest musicians? Have you ever seen Death From Above, 1979? Like I know the band.

Yes. They're Canadian. They're very funny. They're very funny. They're very funny. Very witty. Okay. Yes.

But it also doesn't, you don't need to be funny. You need to be like outgoing. Or just like charming and, you know, can keep it moving and because i always thought like dave grohl was the benchmark sure like charming funny that's good you know a musician that his like music isn't like silly yeah but he's a very silly kind of guy do we

have that out here the guys from some 41 i I remember the drummer from Sum 41 was very funny. And I think he started doing comedy for a bit. People saw him at mics in Toronto, yes. Okay, yeah. It was confusing though, because his name was Steve-O as well. That's right. Yeah. And so two stand-up comedians named Steve-O? That's why he quit. Not because he wasn't

killing it on the Toronto mic scene. Yeah, who is it? Steve-O, Derek Wibley. Are we naming all the members of Cone? And then Brown Sound. Brown Sound. Well, we did it.

That wasn't so hard. Very alarming you guys do that. Well, we were in pretty deep. So, unfortunately, the awards were canceled. So,

does that mean, I really don't know. do they announce who the... We don't know. You don't know either? No one knows. Is Alicia Cara going to go door to door? Hey, I sang the pop version of the song from Moana. Oh, did you?

Yeah. Nice. That's a pretty good crap. Yeah, with Peebo Bryson. yeah with pivo bryson um i was watching i watched the movie um uncut gems uh-huh and uh the woman who plays the lead character's wife is the voice of elsa like the speaking voice oh yeah i was just like adele nazim yeah but i just thought huh that's a real that's a real funny credit to have you follow you around. Yeah.

But she's very famous. I didn't know she was famous. Oh, she was in Rent. She was married to Tate Eggs. Oh. You know a lot of stuff. Dave does know a lot of stuff. Wow.

Mr. Stuff over here. Tina Menzel. John Travolta pronounced her name wrong. Remember? No. You don't remember that? Nobody else does. Yeah.

Where was that? She was in Wicked, and then when she sang Let It Go on the Oscars. This is like the most famous thing that happened in the last decade. John Travolta came out to present her, Idina Menzel, and said, Now the wickedly talented Adele Nazeem oh wow oh wow

but it was a name like he picked a human name he picked a human name but he just did she correct him? no she had to sing a song

oh wow oh yeah can we hold you don't remember this no no you don't remember no I don't I don't remember this I am I'm don't remember. No, I don't.

I don't remember this. I'm not, to be honest, I'm not a big award show person. But this was like... I never knew this happened. I quit this show. Like you're in some other alternate dimension. Like how, but I just, I mean, I'm just disappointed, I guess. I'm not mad.

Do you want any other credits for? No, I'm satisfied. Yeah. And I think since the last time you were on the podcast, you got a dog. I did. Yeah. A little puppy named Susan I did. Yeah. A little puppy named Susan. Oh.

Yeah, she's an English cream golden retriever, so I obviously bought her. People are wildly upset when I say that out loud, especially in California, because they didn't rescue. They're very, very, very upset. Right. I get it. I understand. How many stacks did you drop on her? A lot.

Yeah. So here's the thing. Are we talking three figures? Yeah. Four? A lot. Yeah. So here's the thing. Are we talking three figures? Yeah. Four figures. Three. Okay. So here's the situation.

I wanted a golden. I looked into adopt. I have to say this out loud so people don't fucking kill me. Right. There's a golden retriever adoption site in California, but all of them are like nine or 10. And I'm like, I can't get an old dog that dies. I need, I want a puppy.

I want to raise it. Blah, blah, blah. I was going to train her to go to Sick Kids Hospital because I live very close to the hospital. She loves kids. Turns out she doesn't obey a, I want to raise it, blah, blah, blah. I was going to train her to go to a sick kid's hospital because I live very close to the hospital. She loves kids. Turns out she doesn't obey a lot of commands so it's not working out.

So, recently, I find out that my dog needs surgery. Oh no. She has, it's pretty much a big vagina.

If I could just say it like that. Okay. She has, I've had bigger. She has a flap. It's called a hooded vulva. So she pretty much has an extra skin.

It's like a convertible. It is. It is. It's just half. So it's like the convertible doesn't always go down all the way. So it just kind of lingers. So some rain can get in and it gets infected in there. Isn't it ironic?

Yeah. It's like rain in your dog's vagina. She could have hosted Atlantis. She'd be fun. Yeah. Oh, she'd be fun. Yeah.

She's a fun gal. She's got some fun stuff going on. So now I feel like people feel, they're like, see, told you you shouldn't have bought a dog because it is $6,000, the surgery. Yay, yay, yay. Oh boy.

So the breeder is refunding my money. Oh, okay. Yes, because she feels really bad. But it's not giving you $6,000. No, no, no. I'm still paying the other chunk. Yeah. Wow.

It's a lot. That's a lot. It is very nice of her to do that because she's had a lot of issues. She has weird rashes all the time. She's a lot that's a lot it is very nice for her to do that because I called because she's had a lot of issues like she has weird rashes all the time she's a gross pig she did eat I don't know

okay well she ate a condom two days ago okay for this whole run up I thought you were talking about the breeder yes yes yes

the breeder was very nice of her she's got many rashes and she ate a condom yeah she ate a condom my dog's a gross pig I don't know what to tell you she's a slimy scummy swine ball and I love her so much and she ate a condom yeah she ate a gross pig i don't know what to tell you she's a slimy scummy swine ball and yeah so much um but she ate a condom two days

ago this is very real but you weren't there came out oh i was there oh how long have you been here that i put on myself i have sex with a vibrator and i put a condom in these times sure um i i don't now i don't know what you're talking about. Look, I'm still fucking during coronavirus. I don't know what's going on. Some people are not. I probably shouldn't be, but you know what? Should I leave you home? No, no, it's fine.

Anyway, Susan ate a condom and it came out and it's very disgusting. Okay. Because I couldn't find it. And then I was like, oh my God. And then I, is your dog ever done something that gross? No, he, well, no, he just mostly ate expensive things. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Like an iPod or whatever. Oh. Swallowed? No, no, just chewed it. Okay. Never, no, no, never any like anything that we were worried about him digesting. But now, you know, you can use your dog as a drug mule. Yeah.

Right? You know, that it can successfully pass when was the dog like more please I like she literally looked back at it like she was proud

she was like yeah I did that it was so gross I've never seen anything more gross in my entire life how's that for a trick I won't listen to cum

but excuse me can poop out a full condom disgusting I'm sorry very gross but just to let people know you know they say can poop out a full condom. Disgusting. I'm sorry. Very gross. But just to let people know,

you know, they say you have to make your dog vomit it up. No, it'll come out. Yeah. Okay. And it comes right out. A little public service.

And yeah, that's why I said it. Yeah. Do you have, uh, when you were growing up, did you have dogs? Yes.

I had two goldens. That's also why I got a golden. Yeah. Okay. And it's having a puppy on your own. I will never do it again. Right, I had two goldens. That's also why I got a golden. Yeah, okay. And it's, having a puppy on your own, I will never do it again. Right. I've had no life

the first four months, four and a half. Yeah. And it was just like, hey, you should have got a, you should have got a grown up dog. I will, I'm going to adopt.

Everybody relax. I'm probably going to get a dog the next year. I'm going to adopt one. You're going to put this one up for adoption. Yes, yes. You're going to trade it in.

There, you didn't think about that loophole. Oh, it's a fun one. Yeah. You're going to get another dog. I'm going to get her little buddy. Yeah. Okay. And then what's the upper limit of this team that you're building?

That's it. Just two? Yeah. I'm just going to do two. I can't be single with 35 dogs. It's creepy. Unless you're racing them know like taking them up on the Iditarod

golden retrievers on the Iditarod pretty cute giant vagina flapping on the ground now we see her coming just

slurping disgusting pig but she's so fucking cute and I've never loved now I know how it must feel

to have children I honestly have never loved. Now I know how it must feel to have children. I honestly have never loved something like this. Like, it's crazy. Before I had kids, people would always say, you know, like, don't compare having a dog to having kids. It's pretty close, though. Yeah. No, it's not. There are definitely parallels.

I know it's the same, but I'm like, I just, the feeling I have knowing I have to protect this animal. Yeah, the responsibility. It's not like a 24-hour thing. No, no, no. But it's. Which I don't know how, like after I went through the puppy thing, I was like, anyone with kids, I don't know how you guys are still alive. My mom would always say the difference is that kids, they get smarter. They learned dogs always stay down

yeah like they always are not looking out for themselves in the first few months of having a child it was i was a single mother but it was um that's right he wrote that book but my just my my painter uh eldon oh that's right around the house a lot yeah Dan Quayle had a big problem with you at the time. Oh boy, yeah. Old potato head there. You don't know Adele Nazeem, but you know all of Murphy Brown? Yeah, yes.

I grew up on that. I didn't grow up on Adele Nazeem. Did you grow up on Murphy Brown at all? Not really. What was your Monday night watching? We were over at Seinfeld House I think Yeah but that was Thursdays I don't know what then

Go back read your journal Think about what Degrassi every day Was it Degrassi every day? Yeah yeah Think about what homework you weren't doing That your teacher would be disappointed you didn't do on Tuesday On Tuesday right

You were a Degrassi person You have that much of a memory I don't I'm just I also I highland dance so I practice every night That's Oh every night pointed you didn't do on tuesday right you were a degrassi person you have that much of a memory i don't i'm just i also i highland dance so i practice every night that's oh every night well my tuesday wednesday thursday i'd go to a group lesson yeah really right after school are you gonna take the are you gonna teach the dog highland dancing yes i am her big fat puss in a kilt just it'll be great for her though because it can still breathe you should have called her yeah not too late screaming that big fat puss because she also does not listen to cum at all it's very upsetting what uh come the command both um no she can't come out of condoms she can't no

that's gross um oh that's gross that's when it got to the limit. Has she learned any tricks? Everything else, yes. Really? She can shake both paws, high five, lie down, roll over, jump, hugs. Nice. Can she heal? Can she do jump hugs? Heal and sit.

Nice. But she will not listen to cum. All right. It's wildly annoying. I think it's the most important one. Yeah. It certainly is. For me, we always use the word here because we didn't want to say cum that much.

Right. Oh, wow. That's nice. Well, you know, we do it different out here. Yeah, yeah. You do have children, so it makes sense. This was before we had children. Yeah.

So you just don't like being dirty pigs. We just don't like yelling cum across the park. In a crowded theater. To my dog, Grandpa. Grandpa, cum. You know it's illegal to yell cum in a crowded theater. To my dog, Grandpa. Grandpa, come. You know, it's illegal to yell come in a crowded

porn theater. Yeah, the first amendment does not protect. Unless, unless they're all doing it the same time. Yeah,

then it's, then you're allowed. Everybody, one, two, that's so fucking gross. Did you take your dog to like a training school yeah i did puppy class and then i had a personal trainer oh really oh yeah because i was really

i was actually shredded oh she's ripped she's jacked i was trying to get her to actually go to lakes to kids like that's that was my main that's why i want to get that's really like i've never heard of anybody getting a dog with that idea in mind. That's a really cool. Goldens are so good with kids already. And I live literally 10 minutes from the hospital. Oh, cool.

So I'm like, I could easily just walk her in the day, but I've emailed them like three times and no one's getting back to me. So I don't know how, cause I know, I don't know if she has to be like a full, full trained. The dogs are also in charge.

It's also, you're in LA. So they're like every day. It's like Jeremy Renner comes and visits the kids dressed as, you know, Hawk Moth or whatever. Hawk Moth. Hawk Moth is from a different, a kid's show. But whatever. You got references coming out of the wazoo over here.

Paul Rudd is there as Ant-Man, right? It's true, it's true. That's right. Paul Rudd visits them as his character from This is 40. No one knows who the hell he is. Yeah, I guess LA would be like, it would be the hot spot for. I do think that's really funny. The idea of like famous superhero actors coming, visiting kids as like different characters.

Yeah. Like Robert Downey Jr. comes as Chaplin. Even that would be fun. Yeah. These are all, he's had a lot of fun roles. So are you close to a dog pair? A couple, yes.

Okay. She's quite submissive and gets, and now I think it's sensitive down there so she rolls over and the other dogs sniff it and she cries a bit it makes me sad so i have to wait till she gets the surgery she's also white and taking her to a dog park means i have to scrub her down right all right we hike i hike griffith all the time with her i live really close to griffith yeah but like this is you didn't you didn't know how much responsibility this was gonna be i i did oh you did i definitely did but now the surgery heart would yes, you didn't know how much responsibility this was going to be. I did.

Oh, you did? I definitely did. But you didn't know how much your heart would grow. Yes, and I didn't know how much I was going to be spending on this dog. She also has like crazy allergies, so she's on this like weird vegetarian diet. And the bags of food are like 150 bags. I'm like, I'm just pouring money down this dog's throat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, yeah. You'd do it again in a second. I would. I literally would take a bullet for this dog. I'm getting a tattoo of her name on my body. I love her so much. Where? Where are you getting the tattoo? On my leg. You literally would take a bullet for this dog. I'm getting a tattoo for my buddy. I love her so much. Where? Where are you getting

the tattoo? On my leg. You know those old school mom tattoos? Yeah. I'm getting it by saying Susan. Is it going to have

like right on the heart or a little banner? A little banner. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Spending more money on my dog, on me for no reason. Money that I'm You can get matching tattoos. We should. I want to get matching vaginas and matching tattoos. And get I'm... You can get matching tattoos. We should. I want to get matching vaginas

and matching tattoos. I can get the same thing. Like, I'll take that. Do you... Is she tattooed yet? Are you going to get her tattooed? Soon, yeah. I'm going to do a full back piece.

Shave her down. People don't do that. Has someone tattooed a dog? No. No, no. They get their ID. They used to get a tattoo in their ear. Oh, she's a chip.

Yeah. I've chipped her. Oh, yeah, yeah. They get their ID. They used to get a tattoo in their ears. Oh, she's a chip. Yeah. I've chipped her. Oh, yeah. I know. Someone will steal her. Yeah. She's 100% chipped. Oh, that's the new.

Well, we had both. But my dog's chip slipped. Like it was started between his shoulders. And by the end of his life, it was like in his shoulder. Oh. Oh. Huh. Should I get myself chipped?

Yeah, I think so. You get lost a lot. I do. It's easier to get directions. They say, turn on Wi-Fi. If you got a chip, it's going to tell you exactly where to go. You're going to set off every metal detector.

That's fine. You warn them in advance. When you're going to set off every metal detector. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's fine. You warn them in advance. Yeah, yeah. And when you're going in the self-checkout, you're going to get, you're going to get, you're going to get charged a little bit extra.

Oh, yeah. What's this? So, that's wonderful that you have a dog. Yes. I highly recommend to anybody who is violently sad

or depressed to get a dog. Violently sad? I don't want to say that sounded a lot. Yeah. No, LA can be very lonely,

especially as a single gal. So this helped. Yeah. She sleeps in bed with me now. We fuck every night. It honestly makes me feel like, oh, I don't need a man anymore

because it's very cute having her in the bed. And I did the day she had the condom. Turns out she really doesn't like when I have company and was really upset I've never seen her like this really

barking crying on the bed like pawing at him like it was bad I put her in the crate flipping out I had like take her back out

then just stared at us like it was very hard did he have maybe like bad like a bad energy maybe also that was like a turn off. I was like, well, this is not good. Yeah.

I feel like that's a big... I wasn't going to make you wear a condom, but because the dog doesn't like you, I will. Make you. Yeah, I stand there. I just hold it open. Come in here now or get out. If you...

That's so disgusting. I feel like all your other episodes with other guests are nice. No, no, no. And I come on, I'm like, pussy flaps, condom mouth, dicks. And you're like, what? That's the name of your next album right there. Yes. You got it.

If you were dating somebody and the dog didn't like the person you were dating, is that over? It's done. I think that's over for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think the dog can warm up to someone over time. But she really likes everybody, so it was weird to see her like this. Maybe it also was having sex in general. She just did not care to see that.

He's hurting her. Maybe she was repulsed by it. But she likes it? Yeah. This is what happens to me at the park. Am I going to have to towel her off? Yes. So how long have you towel her off? Yes. So how long have you been in LA for now?

Four years. Wow. Before in a bit. January was four years. Does it feel like home? It does now. Good. Which it took some time.

I think the first time I came out here and did this, it was like so fresh. I was like, I hate it. But now I'm finally in a place where I feel like you like your neighborhood. Love my, well, yeah,

no, no. Okay. My neighborhood's kind of gross. It's just, there's so many sick kids around. That's true. It's a lot of sick children.

no, it's always Chris Evans dressed as his character from snow piercer. Yeah. From knife. He only does the most recent for all these things. Yeah, he was,

oh, all that knitwear. So, the neighborhood not? Neighborhood's not the nicest, but I'm really central, so I can't leave you out. A lot of caca,

poo-poo on the streets. Don't know human or, I don't know. It's a lot. Interesting. Yeah, it's not the nicest area, but it's,

you know, now that my closer friends live out there, so I'm feeling better. Comedy's kind of going fine. So, you know, I don't know. Everything's fine. You met Bill Burr. He was pooping on the street.

That was him. I think that's, it's super cool that you got to do a show where he, Bill Burr, had to approve everybody instead of it just being like, cool that you got to do a show where he, Bill Burr, had to approve everybody. Mm-hmm. Instead of it just being like, well, this is it. You're the person the producer has handed over to me. Yeah. And I, you know, have to make nice or whatever.

Yeah, because after I heard that he had watched all of our sets, I was like, that made me feel good. And then he was watching other comics and, like, it was sitting back with Stages just talking, like, totally normal. That's great. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah. I feel like that's a nice, like you're doing all right. Yeah.

You're going to make it. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be able to afford so many dog surgeries. Oh, God. Yeah, three a year. Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck. This is going to be it. Will you get another golden or some other kind of dog? Probably another kind. Okay. But a rescue. A it. Will you get another golden or some other kind of dog? Probably another kind. Okay. But a rescue.

A rescue. I'm getting a rescue, yes. Your cosmic debt. Yes. Technically, you have to get three rescues for every one you buy. That's right. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It's only fair. Yeah? It's only fair. That's how it works. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, as I mentioned earlier, we're in the grip of coronavirus pandemic. Pandemic season. Yeah, it's the only thing on my mind.

Yeah, same here. But now that I've heard so much about Steph's dog, that's mostly taken over. I might be here when this gets released. That's true. Oh, yeah, that's true. They might close the borders. I'm actually terrified about it. I think you are going to be okay.

Although, stuff changes so fast. Literally. fast literally like this is the the weird thing about talking about this on an episode that's not going to be released for two weeks basically is that um uh like the other day everything changed in an hour like abby took margo to the park and when she got back like the europe borders were closed uh tom hanks had it. The NBA season was canceled. It was just like, it was just so fast. Spike Lee has nowhere to hang out now. That's the big news.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same with Jack Nicholson. What is going to happen to all these courtside celebrities? You know, we cleared out the... And also, this is a thing that I thought as I was at the coffee shop today. Without sports being the shorthand thing that most men talk about, what are they going to talk about? That's true. Yeah.

A lot of probably shelf stocking situations. Yes. That's what everyone's talking about. And probably talk about their, like, stocks? I don't know. What else? Oh, they're doing bad they're doing bad doing bad yeah so you don't want to talk about that this technically would be a good time for comedy because there's nothing else for you to do yeah but but there you can't go out yeah you can't go out yeah it's gonna be a lot of people doing live streams from their home oh I don't want to see you live at your house. This is the time

for your TikTok celebs to really shine. Oh, really shine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Now, are you on TikTok? A lot of content. No, I don't,

I think I'm too old. Yeah, I mean, we're all too old for sure. Yeah. I think that's what it is. I feel weird about it. But like, I feel like Logan Paul

will do something offensive about a, you know, a mask, wearing like a medical mask. Yeah. A lot of mask stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Countdown to Logan Paul's doing something of that. Yeah. He's also, uh, I think it's him or maybe it's his brother is like fighting. He's like doing a lot of USC kind of stuff or boxing or something. And, uh,

which is the natural progression from youtube star yeah you're like how do i top youtube stardom yeah boxing stardom yeah i guess like screech did it yeah that's sort of our youtube stuff oh god um but yeah no this uh has made me notice how much of my news feed is sports yeah Yeah. Oh, really? Like it's, it's like changing hour to hour. Like, oh, Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley said what? He said they should cancel March Madness. Then they canceled March Madness.

Yeah. Yeah. That's everything. I thought it was postponed, but everything's. Some things are paused. Some things are canceled. Yeah. And some people are canceled. Yeah are cancelled yeah and some people

are cancelled yeah this is you know this you know what more than ever if you're gonna get cancelled this is the time

cause nobody's gonna notice no no one's gonna know so all you racists out there get it going get it going get on tiktok

get on tiktok get on tiktok but yeah I'm very freaked out about it. As someone with children, I feel more scared. We were going to go to Palm Springs for spring break, and now we are probably not, unless something happens in the next few days that they're like, oh, no, it's fine.

We cured it. Right. We invented teleportation. Yeah. Yeah. Right. We invented teleportation. Yeah.

Yeah. And so now we're just going to be at home with our kids and we can't go anywhere with them. Yeah, that's crazy. Like, what, are we going to take them to science world? No. No, make your own science world here at home. Oh, yeah, that's a lot of work for you guys. Yeah, it's going to be like, okay, I got a big bucket of lentils. Let's see how, put your toys in it and see how it feels.

Count the lentils. All right, kids, we're going to eat popsicles in the bath. Do you know what? Everything you've said so far sounds like a lot of fun. It actually does. Sounds like something that sounds great. Lentils feel good to touch, so that's nice. Oh, yeah.

Putting your hand in like a bucket of sand. Oh, yeah, yeah. Any lentils around here? Any lentil shops? I follow this Instagram called Busy Toddler, and it's just these kinds of activities

that are like something to kill time with your kids. Right. That's not an app. But I think we've done them all. Oh, really? It's just we're... And no, you can't repeat?

Kids will be like, oh, boy. No, you can repeat. Lentils again. You can repeat, but it's just... I hate the lentil game it's gonna be a long spring break starts today no no like i always imagined that having kids would be

like the road but now it's more like uh whatever that's the house what's the one with the, like, outbreak? It's not outbreak. Contagion. You do know every movie. You know every single one. But I haven't seen it. Okay. The last movie I saw was Outbreak. Yeah.

That's the one with the monkey? Yeah. Yeah. Marcel, maybe? It was Marcel. Yeah, from Friends. Really? You know Marcel.

You don't know Adele Nazeem. How long do monkeys live? That's a very good question. It seems like. I don't know. It depends. If they're purebred, if you adopt them. Yes, you should adopt them.

There was a video going around on Twitter that in this, I can't remember what the country it was, but because people have kind of stayed off the streets and there isn't as much like, just like feeding of these monkeys. Oh yeah. Like this monkey gang war. Oh cool. It's crazy. Yeah.

The videos of it are something else there. That's like, that's so sick too. That's from people feeding these. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like,

cause there's no garbage around. They're just like all fighting each other, but they're, they're gangs. Like they have groups that they stick with. Um, so, you know, if, if you're thinking about joining a monkey gang, now's the time to get jumped in. Yeah. But yeah, like I always kind of imagined like a disaster would, would look more like, you know, having to like carry your kids through the streets look more like, you know, having to like carry your kids through the streets and, you know, down dirt roads to find clean water or whatever. No, make your kids walk through that.

But now it's just like, I didn't imagine I would just have to entertain them for two weeks. Yeah, yeah. While the schools are closed. Build a puppet, you know. Oh, yeah, that's a fun one. Yeah, build a puppet out of a paper bag. Oh, or lentils. Put a couple googly eyes,

find the eyes. That's, that's the puppet. That's a fun game. Yeah. Find the eyes. Find the eyes. Find the eyes.

Fun game. I'm, uh, you're like, I don't like this game. I don't like the find the eyes game. Oh, look in this dog's poop for the eyes i've mixed in some googly eyes

into this bowl of lentils yeah so you can pass them susan susan can pass them yeah find the eyes yeah that would be pretty cute poop well it would look like the emoji it would have eyes yeah and now i'm uh yeah so last friday went, a friend of the show, Brent Butt, invented hockey. What? No, invited me to a hockey game. He was given a suite for the night. And so a few of us went and watched the hockey game. And at the very beginning, we were like, no, no shaking hands.

Like, let's keep this, let's be as safe as possible and then as soon as we scored a goal it was like high fives everywhere yeah yeah kissing kissing yeah kissing his hands but right on the mouth yeah and they got a goal big smooth made that sound too and then like and then just kind of like laughing about it. And then in the week since it's just like, I've gotten so freaked out about it. Last night I went to buy some hand soap and I couldn't get the plastic wrap off the nozzle. And it's like a complete lapse of judgment. I use my teeth. Oh yeah.

I was like, well, this defeats the purpose if I'm putting this in my mouth. Yeah. And then I was like, okay, what do I, purpose if I'm putting this in my mouth. Yeah. And then I was like, okay, what do I do now? As I went and got some vodka and swished my mouth out. Because how do you clean your mouth? Wow. Did you swallow the vodka or spit it out? I spat it out.

How do you clean your mouth? You know what? Dentists have something to say about that. Also, like I would cancel a dentist appointment now yeah I can see that

I met a girl last night who was a masseuse and she's like they're still making me come in I'm like that seems wild

yeah like that's really close to somebody that you're just touching them that's all you're doing yeah the whole time

why are people wanting massages I don't know people are stressed out yeah people are stressed out yeah i guess yeah people are stressed out yeah very stressful um so uh yeah that's me freaked out all the time i don't know what i'm

gonna do entertaining kids wise i don't know what i'm gonna do i think we are going to you know what the kids are gonna have to see uh tv for the first time yeah oh man i really envy those parents who are like never show their kids TV there's no way because then they could I know some

that were like my kid has only seen 10 minutes of Sesame Street once because I had to make a business call wow but

what do the kids do the rest of the time I don't know lentils lentils some dry lentil thing oh I thought these lentils were wet the time? I don't know. Lentils. Lentils. Some dry lentil thing. Oh, I thought these lentils were wet the whole time. I thought lentils.

Oh, no. I'm picturing dry. Yeah. I was also. You guys. I know the lentil game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember from childhood putting my hands in various.

Lentils. Lentils, sand. What do they call those? Booze. Sensation boxes or something? No. They're called something. Oh something oh yeah we have to guess what's in there

oh like on Halloween when you put your hands in the cold spaghetti yeah brains yeah

dude that's a fun game yeah that is true close your eyes guess what daddy's holding that sounds crazy but also it's like like we're supposed to be minimizing

like touching. Oh, sure. Smell this. Smell this. You like this? So yeah, I don't know what we're going to do. I think you just, this is where you adopt a second persona.

I'll, you know, a child's entertainer, a Captain Kangaroo. Yeah. Tony Clifton. Yes, Tony Clifton. Pokeroo. Yeah. And then.

Yeah, do Tony Clifton for your kid. When you say second personality, it's all. You know, yeah. And like, maybe, maybe you have enough time to learn how to juggle. Do some yo-yo tricks. I just figured out how to shuffle cards. Oh, juggling, what's that? Juggling takes a while.

You need a wall. That's what they don't tell you. Oh, we don't have one. Yeah, because to make it easier, you kind of throw it up against the wall and catch it. Steph, do you know how to juggle? My friend in college taught me. Really?

And that's when you get stoned for hours and just against the wall do this juggling thing. I can't to this day, no. No? Like you just don't like on a date? No, absolutely. I could do it maybe once. You could go to a fruit cart. I could do maybe one or two rounds.

But I think that would be pretty fun if you were out with somebody who didn't know that you could juggle at all and you did that with some limes. I don't think it's a turn on for men. Disagree. A woman juggling limes? You don't have to do anything to turn men on. It's not your job to entertain men. Thatagree. Juggling limes. You don't have to do anything to turn men on. It's not your job to entertain men. That's right. Yeah. It's Dave's

job to entertain men. Well, me and Bette Midler for the boys. Hey, everybody. We don't like Hitler. Is that that movie? Yes. Sure.

Maybe that's the yes sure maybe that's yeah that could be the right the boogie woogie bugle boy we don't like Hitler

yeah the I don't think a guy would be would a guy be turned off by juggling no I don't think

no I'd be turned off if a guy started juggling yes that for sure it goes the other way that a woman would be turned off by a male juggler

yes or or a juggler. Or a juggalo. Not necessarily. I don't know. I mean, are you worried that... Is there a juggling juggalo? There has to be. There has to be. Oh, yeah. Jeremy the juggling juggalo.

You know him. Hey, bring him over, entertain the kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not bringing any... The CDC has said to reduce the amount of contact you have with chugalos during this time, but you can still continue to drink Faygo. That's fine.

Yeah. Something your body needs. Anyway, what would happen? Hypothetically, you start dating somebody, you hit it off. The dog loves them.

You find out he's a chugalo. A chugalo. Yeah. Or was a chug You find out he's a juggalo. A juggalo. Yeah, yeah. Or was a juggalo. Maybe he's reformed, but in his... Reformed. Wait, juggalos are the male... Now I'm getting confused with the guys who dress up like the clown people.

That's juggalo. That's a juggalo. Jiggalo is the... Jiggalo is what I'm thinking now. The guy that will have sex for money. Okay, okay. Let's start. Let's go back five minutes in this conversation.

I drank with Steve Patterson last night. It was a long night. Take that part out. I'm kidding. Okay, I don't, I would probably have to

break out with him. You really? I don't know. If like, you meet his parents and they're juggalos. So they're covered in clown makeup.

He goes home and just gets all clowned up and goes, no, that's creepy. What if it was in his past? What if it was like, I used to be a juggalo, not anymore?

I still have this hatchet man tattoo. Maybe. If he was an ex-juggalo. An ex-juggalo. Years ago, it had to be like a weird phase.

It couldn't be like a five year thing. Maybe he went through a couple months of it. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. did you ever have a weird life teen phase i mean my highlight is you know i was obsessed with blink-182 to a point of no return my entire bedroom was like every piece of my wall i would find like small articles if something couldn't fit like i had a cut out from grandin Toy. My mom got me of them. They were doing some giveaway.

I had a Grandin Toy. I had a Grandin Toy cut, like full body of that. Grandin Toy was like Canadian staples. Yeah. Yes. Is that gone? Grandin Toy's gone.

Oh, it might still be around. It might still be around. Yeah. But that's amazing. I almost got the Blink-182 bunny tattoo. Oh. Yeah.

I was on my way to go to the tattoo shop. My mom called me crying. She's like, you're not. Called me on my Fido cell phone. This is getting so Canadian. I love it. I was on my way to go to the tattoo shop. My mom called me crying. She's like, you're not. Called me on my Fido cell phone. This is getting so Canadian. I love it. I love it.

She met me at Carlson Wagonley Travel Agency. We went to Claire's. They got me at Claire's. No, it was. That's great. That's great. Weirdly obsessed. Yeah.

Just like a crush, teenage crush. Yeah. I used to look at Tom DeLonge and masturbate as a child. Honey, I bought you this cardboard cutout for you to masturbate to.

Yeah, there's one poster and I put it away in my bed and he's like, it was creepy. Now that I'm saying this out loud, this is very, yeah. Yeah, but you know what?

I like this. You gotta figure it all out somehow, right? That's how. That's how. And it was Tom DeLonge, yeah. And now he's obsessed with aliens and he's a... Oh, he's the... Yeah, he's know what? You got to figure it all out somehow, right? That's how. That's how. And it was Tom DeLonge. Yeah. And now he's obsessed with aliens and he's a...

Oh, he's the... Yeah, he's the alien man. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what? Still doesn't look bad. I'm still liking those pics. Yeah?

Him and his new girlfriend are talking about some weird stuff. I'm liking it. I'm scrolling. Scrolling. Scrolling. I'm on a peak. I'm kidding. I'm looking. Is he in the band no no he got he

went bye-bye he went by i think he went a little too good bananas and they were like you gotta go yeah which is that's rough in a three-piece band with two lead singers they got another guy from some other band some other like punk band oh yeah There's a new, oh, okay. So they're still going. Right on. Yeah. Good for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not good.

Oh, it's not good. New stuff is so bad. Oh, really? It's Mark as a 48-year-old man being like, I miss you, drive by your house. It's like, what are you,

go home with your children and your wife. Like, what are you, it's like creepy. But what is a 48-year-old man supposed to sing about? Yeah. His wife and kids.

Yeah. Everything's fine. But if you made your bones, you know, singing about what's my age again. Yeah. It's 48. Yeah. Seems like it's time to stop. Right.

Or write other stuff. But is it, it must be weird for them to have to sing the hits. Oh, yeah. At that age, it must be people my age liking themselves like that right unless they have new i don't think i mean i'm sure they have younger fans yeah i don't know yeah i don't think would a kid know what blink 182 is i think so you think i mean a kid would one be a new game teach about Blink-182 yeah yeah

Blink-182 facts hey kids we the school district has hired us to go around from school to school and teach you

about Blink-182 I only know up until like what's my age again right but I'll tell you what I know I didn't know that one that was like

I'm sorry and spiders that's better than their new stuff I'll tell you what I know. I didn't know that one that was like, I'm sorry. And spiders. That's better than their new stuff. Yeah. Everyone loved that. Yeah. Everyone loved that.

That was their like, the very kind of goth video. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When they were like in a, in a castle, in a spooky castle.

Where are you? Yes. Where are you? yes where are you? oh I'm still sorry there it is yeah I don't know how I like that that much yeah

maybe that's my talent I watch so much of them that's a very good like type of music I mean in terms of like

being able to emulate like you don't need to be a good singer oh no no right don't waste your be a good singer. Oh, no, no, no. Right. Don't waste your time on me. You know everything about everything.

I know that song. Yeah. It's the God video. It was on an award show. Yeah. It's on an award show. It was sung by. They pronounced Tom DeLonge, Tom DeSchlong,

and everyone lost their mind. How do you not remember that? So, yeah, I'm freaked out. I'm freaking out. At the time of this release, I have freaked out. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see how things are.

It's the freaking weekend, baby. I'm about to have a panic attack. What's up with you? I, this past week, went to Toronto, Ontario. Oh. Your hometown? Yes. You did shows with Chris Locke. I Ontario. Oh. Your hometown? Yes. You did shows with Chris Locke.

I did. Yes. I did a show with Chris Locke at the Comedy Bar. Mm-hmm. And I was there for a couple days. And the very first thing that happened to me is I took the train from the airport. And as I got off the train, somebody said my name, which was very alarming. It's just somebody who knew me from podcast.

But that was the very first interaction I had. That's cool. It was all right. But I was kind of like, uh-oh. Like, have I broken a protocol? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get that person to come to your show? Maybe they came to the show.

I'm not sure. I was so surprised by it that I didn't think the flyer. Are you here? I mean, it's hard to promote a show in a different city. Everyone you meet, you got to tell them. That's true. Yeah, you have to go bark on the street corner. A two-speaker's corner.

And that person already knows who you are. That's half the battle. Like, hey, go buy a ticket. Yeah. You have to go, you have to go bark on the street corner. If you do speakers corner and that person already knows who you are, that's half the battle. Like, Hey, go buy a ticket. Yes. Um, was it show good?

It was very good. Yeah. The big room or the little room? Big room. Do you need to get that big room? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And, uh, so it was a lot of fun. And, um, I, uh, I had to take a cab one night.

I didn't have to take a cab. There were other transportation things available, but cab was easiest to show. And the cab driver should have gotten out of the cab as soon as, like I said, the name of the place was the Danforth. That's where it was going, which is a little landmark in Toronto. You would know if I said the Danforth, you know. Yes. You would know at least that it is on Danforth. I know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. So you just said the Danforth. I said, yeah, I'm going to the Danforth. And he, I may have, well, just said it in some sort of code. He was like, huh? And I was like, oh, I'll look up the address for you. And he didn't know how to spell it he didn't know i should have been like i gotta get out of this did you know that dan quayle's

real first name is danforth and not daniel really really it's a weird name that is a weird name yeah for something that's not a place yeah yeah um but yeah so I got in this cab and then I was, I don't know the way there, but I could tell after about 10 minutes that I was like, well, this can't be right. This guy's zigging and zagging all over the place. Where were you? Where did you end up? He, at the point that I like called him out on it, he was trying to take me to Scarborough. Oh, so you were way past. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did he take you on the DVP? Yes. Oh, yeah. He took you way past there. yeah yeah yeah oh did he put take you on the dvp uh yes oh yeah he took you way past there yeah eglinton uh i ended up yelling at him and just like turn take the next left and the next left and go back all right which way you came you know wow yeah you know that there's uber and lyft in toronto yeah it was just i literally walked out of the hotel and there was a taxi right there. They should know the damn fourth. Yeah, that's what I figured. I figured it was a safe bet. Hop in a cab, go to a known location.

Yeah. Anyways, so yeah, I ended up getting in a big fight with a cabbie. What do you do in a situation like that? You pay? I did end up paying just so that I could get the fuck out of like not the whole amount yeah i paid the whole amount oh really and what do you tip on that uh 30 percent

um yeah no i i paid uh because i just needed to get out like i couldn't sit there arguing with this guy who i'm not even sure was a cab driver. He may have killed a cab driver and stolen the cab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it happens a lot. Yeah, he didn't seem to know the city all that well and kept saying like I'm looking at the GPS, like I'm following the GPS and I was like

well then you put in the wrong address. Yes. And yeah, I had to scream at him before he turned around. Oh wow. Yeah. Which I'm not given to screaming. No, you don't take a scream at him before he turned around. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which I'm not given to screaming. No, you don't take a screamer. I would like to hear that. Well, you can, this coming season on Taxi Cab Confessions, you'll see me scream at Gabby.

I can see you being like, no, duh. Like, hey, buddy. Hey, knock it off. Yeah, yeah. Bad driving. Yeah bad driving yeah yeah like but not really screaming more sort of napoleon dynamite yeah yeah yeah um another classic reference by mr stuff over here that's all i am i'm just a reference machine I don't have any like um

content but you know what this reference these references that entertain your kids if you get the right references yeah these kids will think

I'm Dennis Miller oh introduce your kid to Dennis Miller live yes okay cool um yeah so uh I got it.

Yeah. Got in a weird cab. It was very scary because at some point you're like, well, this guy has no responsibility to ever like he's supposed to go to the right address. Yes. Just partway through. Like at any point, one of these cabbies could go rogue. Yeah. Yeah.

Where were you going in the Danforth after all this? Where was I going? Yes. The Danforth Music Hall. Music Hall. Oh, okay. Okay. What was there?

The Debators. Oh, okay. That's a cool venue for that. It is, yeah. It's a very cool venue to go. Oh, so this show, oh, your Chris Locke show was subsidized flight-wise. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, yeah, so had a good time in Toronto. Visited my favorite vintage thrift shop. Which one is this? Does the owner know you again? Yep. Really? Yeah, it's called Breathless. It's in Kensington.

Okay. Kensington Market. And the guy, whenever I come in, he's got stuff that he's put aside. For you? Yeah, with me in mind. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's who keeps it always aside.

As soon as I walked in, he's like, I got a thing that you want to look at. Did you buy it? Yeah. What was it? Oh, my God. The thing that you want to look at. Oh my, did you buy it? Yeah.

What was it? Oh my God. I got like a kind of a yellow sports jacket. Wow. And because, you know, I need these brightly colored outfits for your quiz show, you know? Oh yeah. Yeah. And safety. Yeah, and safety.

Absolutely. And a shirt, a nice button up shirt. But he like, yeah, he always has stuff. That's wild. Yeah. That's nice. What a nice man. I don't have any, like the closest thing I ever had to that was the coffee shop outside CBC knew what I was going to order.

Right. They're like, we put it aside. It's cold now. Yeah. It's been there for weeks. You have been there. I have that with my taco stand guy. I'll Facebook message him oh when

i'm drunk and i'll be like i need it and then i'll show up and i'll be like i'll be there in five and i'll come and i'll just be holding the bag outside oh get out yeah what's your go-to order two past store two asada and a diet coke easy peasy oh i guess i have that relationship with my domino's guy i tell him what i want and he brings it to my house yeah yeah yeah i need it hot i need it now you say yeah i want it on a pizza um yeah so that's what uh that's very nice it was very how was the was uh had the virus uh panic started on any of either of your flights no No. My flight here was quite empty. Like,

yeah, my flight coming back was emptier than what a flight would usually be, but not, not like I was the only person on it. Yeah. I'm thinking tomorrow I might be the only person on the plane and that's going to give me the heebie jeebies. But,

oh, try out every seat. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's sanitary. That's right. Put a movie on in one seat and then go four rows back and just peek through.

Yeah. That's fun. You can make your own fun on this one. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have to. Uh,

yeah, but yeah, it hadn't, hadn't quite said it yet. Uh, but now, but now it seems though, like walking around here, like I took the subway here and everyone's just totally fine. Nobody.

I mean, I did ask a girl which way I was going. And then I think she almost put an antitester in her mouth. She's like, huh? And it was like doing this right in front of me. I was like, oh, is this way to go to King Edward? No. Yes, it does. And I was like, oh my God, I'm sorry.

It was like crazy. And I wasn't that close to her. I was like. Right. A foot, two, it does. And I was like, oh my God, I'm sorry. It was like crazy. And I wasn't that close to her. I was like, a foot, two, three feet. It wasn't like in her face. Yeah. You want to keep at least one foot long sub away from everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's the general rule that everybody's going with.

It's $5 to know how long a foot is, But worth it, in my opinion. Worth it. Do we want to move on to some overheard? Sure. Hi, I'm Dave Hill from before. And I'm very excited to bring Dave Hill's podcasting incident back

to Maximum Fun, where it belongs. You can get brand new episodes every Friday on Maxim maximum fun.org or you know wherever and while my partner chris gersbeck and i might lack in specific subject matter on our podcast we make up for in special effects chris add something cool right here also we have explosions animal, and sometimes even this. Dave Hill's podcasting incident, every Friday on Maximum Fun. Chris, do another explosion right here.

Overheard. Overheards. That's a segment Where you hear things Out there in the world And you share them Here on the podcast And we always like To start with the guest

Steph if you would Okay So This one's Directly about me Oh okay But they didn't know That I was there

So I did a set And I was I guess a bit Over the top Who knows what happened But I was outside And I had like My hood on And I was smoking A cigarette, a bit over the top. Who knows what happened? But I was outside and I had my hood on and I was smoking a cigarette like a gross, disgusting pig. And I heard two people come out and go, wow, that one girl was a lot.

Not that I was funny, just that I was a lot. And the other girl went, yeah, big time. And then they walked into the night and I was like huh I don't think that's a compliment I think it is

I don't know I don't know it just felt like it was that girl's a lot and I'm like is that and then I was thinking

oh because I usually hide after a show I don't want to talk to people I feel weird but I'm like should I be listening to what people are saying

about me now should I be like lingering in the shadows yes linger in the shadows yeah tell them during your me now? Should I be like lingering in the shadows? Yes, linger in the shadows. Yeah, yeah. Tell them during your show, after the show, I'll be lingering in the shadows. That was the real world equivalent of like reading the comments about your post. Yes.

Yeah. I heard once too, this is another one I heard, where I was walking down in Toronto. I did a show at the comedy bar and I was behind these people. And the people in front of me went, that one girl was on cocaine. And I went, actually, no, I wasn't. And they turned around, they're like, oh shit. And I'm like, sorry, yeah, I'm a crazy person, but I'm not on cocaine.

I'm on amphetamines. Thank you very much. Yeah, it is funny. I find like, especially at a comedy club, if they don't have a backstage bathroom, that when you go to use the bathroom, you're overhearing a lot of this guy. Instant reviews.

Instant reviews. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that girl was a lot. A lot. Yeah, that girl was a lot. And then they added, and not in a good way. Yeah.

Just so she knows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so funny. The one was like, yeah, and then that was it like there was not even like a let's disappear into the night that's it there's no more discussion i mean would you you wouldn't disagree with that though you're no no but i was then i was like oh that's maybe i gotta tone it down no no no tone it up yeah yeah is that if you tone it up next

time they'll be like that girl was the the most. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, yeah, I think go the opposite way. Go all the way. Okay. Yeah. It means you're on the right path. Okay. Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the right path. You're a lot, but you're not the most. Okay, yeah. Dave, do you have an over? Mine is an overseen. So we are living in a world where we're told to wash our hands. We're taught how to wash our hands. Absolutely.

It's time, time to learn. And, uh, you know, practicing proper etiquette, not touching your face was a thing that was, I can't feel my face when I,

yes, we, the weekend came and delivers this. That's a lesson. And to further illustrate the point, uh, please welcome the Weekend. And so we...

And then Jewel comes out and says, these hands, they are my own. These are the... I'm trying to think of all the great... Take me to the river, wash me down. Yeah. We had a wide mouth Billy Bass sing that. Yeah. We had a wide mouth Billy Bass sing that.

Anyway, so we had, I was in, but I was in the grocery store yesterday and I was like, okay, this is my first grocery store since this like. Outbreak. Outbreak. And I'm like, is it going to be widespread panic? Is it going to be empty shelves? I felt like every time I've gone to the grocery store since, I've gone three times since we've been on like lockdown. And it's always felt like a little bit guilty. Like, am I a hoarder?

Am I hoarding toilet paper? Right. Am I, you know, shouldn't I have been more prepared or whatever? I don't uh but it just the vibe in grocery stores and drugstores feels very weird now it might just be me but anyway i went walked into the grocery store the first aisle i looked down a guy using one of those plastic flossers oh yeah in public just flossing his teeth in the middle of the aisle. Oh my God.

And I had, I literally had to stop. I stopped at my tracks and like looked at them. Like, how are you, how is this happening? Uh, yeah,

people are gross. Like that would be, that's gross with no panda. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's somebody who really doesn't care. Yeah.

It's that, uh, door song't care yeah it's that uh door song man people are gross people when you're the grossest when you're a grocer pretty good that's very gross uh that's a lot of stuff that's a lot and then and then well and then he like used his hand oh like then he was like I thought you were gonna say that he offered it to you no but then he put it in and you're like well I could use a floss put it in his mouth

and like picked stuff up off their shelves yeah and then put it back no I don't know about that but he was putting his hands

in the big bin of lentils lost the floss thing for a minute had to find it that's a fun game find the floss find the floss find the floss with Carly Kloss, the floss thing from when I had to find it. That's a fun game. Find the floss. Find the floss. Find the floss with Carly Kloss.

Degenerate floss. He had a girlfriend with him too and she didn't say anything. No, that's the worst part then. Yeah. I will say I'm glad he was flossing because not enough people are flossing. Yeah. Flossing is a big problem. But you know when you can do it.

Oh, really? Oh, yeah. You can do it at the same time you brush. Yeah, yeah. No, you do it at home. You do it at home. It's an at-home bathroom thing. Big time. Or, really? Oh, yeah. You can do it at the same time you brush. Yeah, yeah. No, you do it at home. You do it at home. It's an at-home bathroom thing. Yeah.

Big time. Or out in a wide open park. That's the other time it's fine. Or like in your car. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, floss in your car. I have those things in my car for like, if I'm out. Just like a quick.

A quick little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, I, it smells. Your mouth stinks if you floss. Yeah, you gotta floss. Everybody, your mouth stinks. Yeah. Yeah. You got to floss. Everybody, everybody floss now.

Mm hmm. Everybody floss. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Uh, Graham.

Yes. What's up with you? Um, overheards. Thank you. Uh, my overheard is courtesy of two guys, two older guys in Toronto,

uh, that, uh, like one guy was telling the other guy what he gets up to all day. And, uh, is courtesy of two guys, two older guys in Toronto that, like one guy was telling the other guy what he gets up to all day and he watches the pigeons across the street. Oh boy.

Yeah. And he said, and you know what? Those pigeons are doing it. It's like pigeon porn. And the other guy said, it's quite a life. Wow.

That is really gross. That's almost worse to me than the flossing. Watching pigeons have sex? Because pigeons to me are the grossest things in the entire world. And then watching them do it

is very strange. Every time I see them around a pigeon and they start doing it, I shoo them away. Yeah. Make them stop doing it. I'm like, no.

Find a room. No sex. Also, it's rape. Get a coop. The woman always feels like it looks like it's rape oh yeah the bird's face there's female birds there's no consent in the animal world no uh i'm gonna stop it if i have to be the single yeah yeah yeah around uh steph law yeah um

yeah i don't uh uh i don't make a habit of watching pigeons. You know, they go about their business, I go about mine. I'm disgusted by all urban birds. Yeah. Urban birds. Yeah. Well, no, just pigeons and crows. What about seagulls? Seagulls, yes.

Oh, seagulls. Absolutely. But, you know, I'm fine with a hummingbird. Yeah, what about a robin? Robin I'm fine with. What are the ones? It kind of grossed me out. Have you ever seen one that's balding? A balding robin? Yeah. Bal a robin robin i'm fine with what are the ones gross me out i've ever seen one that's balding balding robin balding robin balding robin what are the ones that are like uh

they have them in calgary the blackbirds a magpie magpies yeah yeah yeah we don't have them here they gross i don't know they're quite quite pretty looking, but they're way louder than crows. They have kind of like a piercing kind of sound that they make. The other bird I don't like is the mockingjay because it reminds me of these games I had to play. When you volunteered? I volunteered as whatever. Mock.

Yeah. Jay. That's my only reference. I had to sneak one in. Yeah. Well, you did it. Yeah. Jay. That's my only reference. I had to sneak one in. Yeah. Well, you did it. There we go.

Um, now we also have overheard sent into us from people all over the map. If you want to send one into us, you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org. This first one comes from somebody who labeled themselves sweet Caroline. Oh yeah. Walking down the hall at an assisted living facility there was an older couple touring the building as i passed i heard the man say i wonder what

we would use for currency instead of cigarettes oh that's funny like pudding packs yeah yeah pudding packs that's a good guess yeah that's nice yeah maybe a fig yes a single fig um yeah like i mean you do have to figure out your your own barter system and whatever kind of saw this thing that was it was either it was prunes and it was um it was oh gosh it was like an old-timeyated prune For like The California prunes It was like the California raisins It was an

Animated prune From like the 60s Really It was like You know A couple prunes a day It'll keep you going Or whatever

Wow I do like prunes Do you Yeah I eat almost a prune a day Like Just freestyle You mix it in with oatmeal

It's right there Right in the face Where do you buy? Trader Joe's. Are they bulk? Are they? Just a bag I keep in the fridge. Yeah.

I have a nice cold prune once a day. Cool prune? Yeah. Nice. What section are they in? They're in the dried fruit. Dried fruit. Dried fruit.

Oh, man. I like those mangoes. Oh, those mangoes are so juicy. They're great by the mangoes. Yeah. The middle ground ones. I don't want the sugary ones and I don't want the. The note.

I don't want the organic ones. I want the ones that are just like. Mm-hmm. I know what you're talking about. In the middle. All right. But our Trader Joe's visits will be curtailed. Mm-hmm.

Because we can't go to America. This next one comes from Dan in Portland, Oregon. Hi, Dan. As I was getting dressed for a small group exercise class, one of the class regulars, a guy in his late thirties was chatting with the instructor about his new Spotify mix. The guy said, Hey, I made a great exercise mix. If you feel like using it for class instructor was like, cool, what's on it? The guy said, lots of pop hits from the 80s and 90s. And I finished it off the only way a good exercise mix should be, with the theme from Jerry Maguire. What's the theme from Jerry Maguire?

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na I can only think of like the like romantic Bruce Springsteen song. Yeah, I think it was just like maybe the instrumental that gets played throughout the movie. She'll let you in her heart. Oh, God. Have you ever seen a three-legged dog? A one-legged dog. Oh, yeah, one-legged dog. That's from The Wrestler? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what the name of Jared was. I don't know what the name is either, but that seems like a wild choice. Yeah. But maybe that's what you need. Maybe you need a little cool down. Yeah, a little Jared Weir cool down, yeah. And this last one.

Yes. Comes from Mike in St. Louis. Overheard in front of a grocery store where there was a table of young girls and their moms selling Girl Scout cookies. Two girls were arguing about something. The mom said, girls, stop arguing. We have a customer. And the girl said, we have something they want. They can wait.

Where else are you going to get these? That's right. That's good. You got to understand supply and demand. Yeah. The price just went up for you. Do you get the Girl Scout cookies? No, I have a, no.

I'll eat the whole thing. I got problems. I have no, I can't hold back. So you don't keep them in the house? I don't keep any cookies in the house. What if they sold, I don't know, a prune? Yeah, I'd get prunes. Yeah, yeah.

If they had chocolate dipped prunes. CDP. Chocolate dipped prunes. Excuse me. I'm into that. Yeah. Oh boy. I can't even imagine it.

I haven't had a prune, I don't think. A whole prune. Or a bite of a prune. Ever? I don't think I've ever had a prune that's not been dried. A plum? Is that what it is? Yeah, I've had a plum.

Oh, I didn't know that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a lot of plums then. Yeah, I've had a lot of plums. Oh fuck, I'm stupid. I did not know that. I've had prune juice. Sure then. Yeah, I've had a lot of plums. Oh, fuck. I'm stupid. I did not know that. I've had prune juice. Sure.

And prune, you know. Do you want me to send you some Trader Joe's prunes? They're very good. Hey, I don't want them. Wow. Okay. All right. Trying to be nice.

You know, I've had pruno, like a prune cocktail I made in prison. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the back of the toilet. I've had Dr. Pepper, which is... Prunes. I mean, that's what they say. Really? No.

It's supposed to taste like prunes? No, it's supposed to evoke 23 aromas of a classic soda fountain. But really, just to get down to it, it's just prunes. Yeah, that's what the herb legend is. I think prune is one of the 23. Okay. Anyway, in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one like these people have okay so this is the Jerry Maguire theme. Jerry Maguire slides into the room.

Oh, Dave. And he's just doing a little... No, it's all... Is that the song? Why would he say... No, that's from Risky Business. No, it is... When I Google Jerry Maguire theme, it just comes up with Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen.

Well, maybe that's it. Yeah. Maybe that's it. You should let you in her heart. You had her at hello. Good. Good. Very good.

Phone calls. Hey, so this is Brad from NJ, Brad Peekman Jay, who's now in V8. But I'm calling with an overheard that just happened in my house. Fortunately, my eldest son does not listen to the show, so I can call in and do this. We're busy watching some comedy, and then my son and his girlfriend are in his room. And then all of a sudden you can tell they're up and moving around. And then just for no apparent reason what I heard was she said

how about my dignity and then starts to leave how about my dignity? hmm yeah it feels like there's yeah he probably says something like what else can I give you back? it seems like

they were doing something dirty up there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now my parents home? Are you crazy? I know. That is crazy.

That's gross. That's, yeah, when your parents are out of town on biz. That's when you do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Risky business. Exactly.

Yeah. Well, I, yeah, I mean, the fact that the parents are like the fact that you can hear that well. Well, and that you're like, yeah, go ahead. Go up to your room with your girlfriend. Try it. Like just try something.

They're just downstairs watching. We're watching comedy. Yeah. We're watching the ringers. Yeah. Next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Walker from California. This overheard happened while I was sailing on a traditional sailing vessel from about the 1850s in Milwaukee.

We had a tour of students come aboard. And one of the students, this little girl, must have been probably about 10. She says, do you live on this boat? I said, yeah, about seven months out of the year, little girl must have been probably about 10 she says do you live on this boat i said yeah about seven months out of the year live on this boat and we live right below where you're standing and she turns around to her friend and she goes did you hear that they live on wow that's so sad that's good that's good yeah you never could get home from work yeah just always at work oh yeah sad that's so sad oh man having to sleep next to a cannon i guess it's an all-timey boat god you never know pirates are gonna climb yeah i guess that's true all-timey boat oh god you never know if pirates are gonna climb aboard

yeah I guess that's true of any boat but that would if you if you went to a museum and you found out that everybody slept

at the museum you would be like that's sad oh yeah big time anywhere that like a field trip goes no

well night at the museum yeah anywhere that a field trip goes is like you wouldn't want to live there, right? Oh, where would... Planetarium. Planetarium.

The zoo. Yeah. Oh, I live with the gorilla. I mean, now it's back to being good again. I'm his wife. For all intents and purposes. I'm sort of like Seth Green in the movie Old Dogs. Or Wild Hogs.

Whichever one that scene is in. Yeah. But no, living at the zoo sounds cool. Yeah. Yeah. Sad. But only for the animals. Yeah.

Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave Graham and probable guests. This is James in Raleigh calling with an overheard courtesy of my daughter. We were having dinner, me and the kids, and my daughter, who's in middle school, in seventh grade, she told me about this girl in the cafeteria the other day that asked her, Hey, so you like Star Wars, right? And she said, yeah. And the girl said, well, so you know, Django the Hutt, like the slimy one? She kind of laughed because she knew that was wrong, but she said, yeah.

And then the girl said, I think he's so hot, I want to suck his dick. Wait, Jab, did she mean Jabba the Hutt? I guess. I want to suck his dick. I don't think this ever happened. My God. I think something was lost in Dre Yeah That

That girl needs help I want to get her help If that's the dick She wants to suck There's like a Django Cause there's a Django Django the fat

The fat Yeah Oh okay And maybe Is he like a Boba A Boba Fett He's a Boba Fett What does he look like

Is he Boba Fett's dad Is he a person Or is he a slime ball He's like a person He's a person He'sett. What does he look like? Is he Boba Fett's dad? Is he a person or is he a slimeball? He's like a person. He's a person. He's got a helmet. Yeah. But you see his face.

Oh, you do? But she's described the slimy one. Yeah, that's true. And that's Shabba. Yeah. Joe Boba. There's a lot that doesn't add up about this. I don't feel great about it, but it really made me lose it when I first heard it.

Yeah. Yeah. No, no. I think that's funny stuff. That would be, for if any kids are like looking for something to write

in somebody else's yearbook, I want to suck Jabba the Hutt's dick. Very funny. It's very funny. Yeah, very funny. Don't do that.

I don't think kids should know those words. Jabba. Seventh grade? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They learned them from Star Wars. That's where I learned about sex. That's the first time I thought about a dick sucking a dick was when I watched Star Wars.

Now I know. A giant slug man. That would be hard to suck. To be honest, I'd be slipping all over the place. Sorry to get a firm grip. That's what I'm taking out of that. That would be hard. You don't have anything about it. It would actually be hard to do. From firm grip that's what I'm taking out of that that would be hard you know

it would actually be hard to do from Steph that's a rave yeah well that brings us to the end

of this episode Steph thank you so much for coming thanks for having me back again yeah of course

anytime I might be here still yeah we might have a repeat visit your album which is available everywhere

yeah is called I'm Not Well I am also it's just getting printed on vinyl right now yeah seriously yeah

so if anyone wants that I can send it to them let's say it your probable Juno winning album yeah yeah I mean don't know

we don't know we'll never know we'll never know and you are also part of a sketch duo called Lady Stacks yes album. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, don't know. We don't know. We'll never know. We'll never know. Um, and you are also part of a sketch duo called Lady Stacks. Yes.

And they have, you guys have two albums. Yeah. Our latest one, uh, older and wider just came out.

So, uh, if you like listening to sketch, if you like listening to podcasts, you'd like, you'd like listening

to it. Yeah. Yeah. Who is your partner in that? Alison Hogg. Great. Alison Hogg.

Yes. Writer for Baroness. She's up for a Canadian Screen Award that also got canceled. Ah, yes. A lot of fun. Who's your partner in that? Alison Hogg. Great. Alison Hogg. Yes, writer for Baroness. She's up for a Canadian Screen Award that also got canceled. Ah, yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. For best writing, so. Well, you know what?

We're both just buying sparkly dresses and wearing them to bed, so. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. You'll have another big occasion to wear that sparkly dress. I'm wearing that dress. Yeah, don't you worry about it. All right.

Yeah, wear it on the plane home tomorrow morning. That would be hilarious. A single plane, just me and I might. That's a TikTok. That's a TikTok. Hey, that's a TikTok. Get on TikTok. That's a TikTok.

Or I can just buy all my clothes that I brought, just keep changing and just having me doing different characters, sitting in all the different seats. This is good. Okay. Now I got an idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is good.

Instagram. And again, thank you, all you listeners out there uh for uh your donating to uh the max fun drive yep and uh thank you so much for listening yeah we uh we we recorded this very early um uh hopefully we'll have episodes to release during whatever lockdown we are in. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, thank you for listening. We will do our best to keep putting out shows. Yes, and

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