Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 634 - Stacey McLachlan

Episode Date: May 11, 2020

Comedian and writer Stacey McLachlan returns to talk sourdough, the tooth fairy, and Too Hot to Handle. Plus, the Bradley Cooper Movie Club presents Valentine’s Day.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 634 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always over space and time is Dave Shumka. Yes, well at the moment over I guess space more than time. Although when there's a little bit of a lag it feels like I am floating in like a black hole. Yeah. Yeah.

I, the weird thing is during that 24 hour standup show that I did, there was an hour where there was no audience for a full hour. And I just told jokes to the abyss. And that's what I feel. A lot of these like zoom comedy shows and stuff. Yeah. Just say your things out into nothing.

Now, Graham, you haven't done stand up in about, I'm guessing at this time, about 45 days. Something like that. Do you have any bits you want to work on? Yeah. Over the course of the episodes, I'll insert bits that I'm working on. You'll know them when you hear them. Oh, I'll know them. Or do you want me to set you up for them?

Like this is you're on panel on uh comics unleashed yeah hey graham i uh here you got a big problem with cotton candy um our guest today we have a guest that is also joining us uh remotely this is our first time attempting this uh she's a favorite of the show it's a treat to have her here it's stacy mclaughlin everybody hi everyone hello it's an honor to have had a microphone and been invited to be on the show so i really appreciate it i beat out all the other comics who have microphones and it feels really good yeah but it's it it is true that you were the first person who suggested being a guest yeah you were like my equipment list yeah you were like i have a microphone i i want to do this a month and a half

ago we finally got around to having a guest yeah well it's an honor thank you i guessed who was not in the house because abby was was the guest last week and even though she was sitting right next to me the lag was unbearable uh should we get to know us yeah get to know us stacy hello uh we were just chatting very briefly before uh the show you for for a time laid off now laid on laid on yeah yeah it is i work for a magazine and believe it or not the thriving publishing industry um couldn't survive this turmoil so they temporarily laid me off and uh just got the word i'm getting called back for one last job i feel like a renegade detective yeah one way is it really is it like yeah we need you to you know write a eulogy for the magazine we need we need somebody

to put out that last issue so it's not a last job is it well they're like oh it's definitely you're back at work until we run out of this government subsidy um which probably is june so okay all right yeah it's been a rough a couple weeks yeah bouncing back you know we're surviving we're thriving over here um in my house yeah because that's all anybody's talking about now is the what what's the reopening procedure what is that going to look like should i figure it out i mean if you did you'd probably be able to make some pretty good coin yeah that's what i'll put on the cover you're also in charge of doing the covers now yeah i'm the last one left you're the only one they hired back yeah and they're gonna say like

you gotta clean up the office before you and then slide the key under the door. Yeah, and then deliver the magazines. It's a whole thing. It'll keep me busy, you know, it keeps the mind active, keeps the body active. It's Vancouver Magazine? Vancouver Magazine

and another one called Western Living. Nice, that's like what's western living about vancouver is about the city western living is like interior design a lot of cowboy stuff tons of cowboy it's a cowboy interior design you know how to cook how to cook a can over a campfire um ways to decorate your horrors spur tips you. You know, the list goes on and on. It's been around for 50 years, so we've got a rich legacy. It's been around since cowboy times, 1970.

What a time it was. Yeah, they used to just post it on a poll, and everybody had to gather around and read it. It said wanted. It's the good old days. So how is the isolation and all the staying at home aside from the job thing how has it been has it been ups and downs peaks and valleys or just right smooth where along the way um i've been like crying every tuesday it's like very but other than that everything is great

and i'm having fun making a lot of projects for myself. Really trying, like I'm baking a lot. Been baking terrible sourdough loaf after terrible sourdough. So you're the first person I've met who's an actual sourdough cook. Okay. Well, all right. I've been seeing it a lot. Wasn't a compliment.

And had you made sourdough before this? I had taken a class. I'd taken a $60 class on how to make sourdough, and then I killed it and gave up until I had nothing else to do but nurture yeast. This is what the settlers wanted, is they wanted to establish sourdough back then and then have generations of it and when you say you killed it you mean you did a great job or the mother it's weird that that means the two opposite things i said that when my sister-in-law was pregnant i was like i'm so

excited for you to be a parent you're gonna kill it and it's like no opposite yeah opposite yeah what are you saying? You're going to crush it. No, no, no. You're going to beat this thing. Did you ever get a sourdough up and running? I did. It took me like a month because my apartment is quite cold.

And so you need like the exact right conditions have to be perfect on so many, so many levels. Like you have to have the right flower. You have to have the right amount of flower. The water has to be the right temperature. It has to be the right temperature in your apartment. So I've just been like moving it around the apartment, trying to find the toasty spot. So I'll be working at my desk and it's at my feet. It's like hidden under a pillow in the bedroom. So it's like a cat. It's like a cat a pillow in the bedroom. So it's like a cat. It's like a cat and like a disgusting scavenger hunt for my partner. Yeah. Find the weird living organism thing. Yeah. What does that look like? It's like bubbles and kind of, it doesn't really breathe, but it, you could imagine

it if you're very lonely in your apartment. Fall asleep at night listening to the sounds of your sourdough. Yeah. Tracy. It's hungry. Tracy, kill me. How do you get the mother? How do you make a mother?

How do you make a mother? Or does someone give you a mother? I made a mother. It's like flour and water and then you just let it rot until it's tasty, I guess. Oh, really? Do you just, you create the mother? I create the mother. You're the one who knocks.

I have so much now. If anyone wants some, that's what my plug is for this episode. Come to my balcony and I'll gently lower a cup of ooze to you ninja turtles fans rejoice um the uh is there yeast involved or does that come out yeast and the thing is yeast in different parts of like the world or the city or the like whatever environment it's in it'll get the special flavors based on the bacteria it's collecting from the air to give it it's like air terror terroir oh wow so like like sourdough is very famous in san francisco because i guess the air is more

delicious there right rice rice aroni is pretty famous yeah it tastes like rice i wish huh I wish. Well, just make some rice-a-roni. That's probably easier. Have you ever had rice-a-roni? Oh, sure. The San Francisco tree? Thank you, Stacey.

Is it just like rice with different flavorings in it? It's kind of like gooey rice. Yeah, it's like gooey. It's just like a thing you put in. Yeah. You just dump it all in a pot. Yeah, it's like gooey. It's just like a thing you put in. Yeah. You put, just dump it all in a pot. Yeah. And it just oozes.

I've had like the Uncle Ben's whatever flavor-y teriyaki rice. Uncle Ben flavor. Uncle Ben's perverted rice? No, converted rice. Did you use it? So you never had rice-a-roni? Me, no. Have you ever had hamburger helper?

You're on blast here. I've had the instant meals. I've had a hamburger helper, maybe a stroganoff. I've had a hamburger helper. I've had a hamburger helper. I've had your shake-and-bakes. Yeah. But that shake-and-bake is not that you need to get.

You can't just eat straight shake-and-bake. No, that's true. Trust me. Oh, believe me. I've. We talked about that a few weeks ago. About doing it like a Lick-O-Made. Yeah.

Yeah. Or cocaine. What's the other one? Oh, we used to just make stovetop stuffing. Oh, yeah. Stovetop. That was the big. Like, what was the ad campaign?

Was somebody want to sleep over at somebody's house or something? Come for a stovetop sleepover. Sleep over and you'll get some stovetop stuffing. Hey, Mom, I got to sleep over at Jeffy's because I'm going to wait until everyone's asleep and then I'm going to fuck the stovetop. Yeah. I'm going to lose my virginity to a pot of stovetop stuff. Like that classic movie. That was the first draft.

Yeah. And then the stovetop people were like, no, no, no, no. No, thank you. That will be a hard pass. Fool me twice. the um it was a boy who was like trying to arrange uh a thing where he and his friend had uh like ate dinner at each other's houses the same night right they both had stovetop stuff yeah they couldn't help but try to double double their dinner tonight mom 5 30 great can i bring jeffrey over and then jeffrey calls his mom what are we having dinner tonight, Mom? 5.30? Great. Can I bring Jeffrey over? And then Jeffrey calls his mom.

What time are we having dinner tonight? 8 p.m.? Sure. Yeah, we're European. Jeffrey with a G, I presume. Yeah. Kids love stovetop stuffing, famously. Famously, absolutely.

Children famously love stuffing. They're eating it on the playgrounds, escape parks. Yeah, that's true and you know if you're cool then you've just got it in a khaki pocket somewhere that's why cargo shorts were invented that's right just one stuffing pouch it's one of the only foods that's named after well i guess it's the cooking implement yeah it's named after what it, how it fills a thing. Yeah, that's right.

Well, what do you like? Oh, oven roasted chicken. That feels like a, we know where it's done. It's not really a brand name either. Yeah,

no, that's true. But that's because nobody can own it. You can't own the top idea of a chicken. Yeah, that's true. You can't own stovetop how'd they get away with it they should come up with a whole line of stovetop macaroni stovetop whatever else you can cook on a stove rice-a-roni darn it macaroni rice-a-roni all the big ronis yeah you name a roni it's coming to you from the rooftop. Yeah, Roni by Bobby Brown. I like

that. I'm going to see if the website Name a Roni is available. Don't buy it, Graham. Don't buy it. I still have, I think we still own fuckbutler.com. Nice. Now is the time. You've got all this time on your hands. Now is the time to develop

it. that's true I'm sure just take like the basis of Ask Jeeves and just spin it just hack it yeah yeah yeah

that's what it was so you're crying every Tuesday truly next Tuesday are you truly only crying once a week yeah it's good

it's balanced out you know getting getting losing my job I'd worked there for like nine years. So it was like the end of a long-term relationship, it felt like. So I really had a lot of breakup tears and yelling at my husband for a very unfair chewing, like chewing too loud in my sensitive state. But I feel like emotionally emotionally have leveled out now and um yeah just try to fill in the days fill the days dough animal crossing so for the people

that don't know like myself i don't know what animal crossing is i've heard that everybody is on it and playing it and they love love it. But I have completely blank. You said that there's a lot of chores in it. Yeah, it's just a lot of low-key chores. You're picking fruit. You get points for pulling weeds. It's not... I wouldn't describe it as a dynamic game,

but it's very sweet and soothing. Okay. You're doing a lot of fishing uh you're wheeling and dealing with the raccoon who runs the store and is always giving you a mortgage it's uh the raccoon is giving you a mortgage i don't know that i trust that mortgage yeah it's he runs a real monopoly on the island i do a lot of um What's his name? Tom Nook. Tom Nook. What are you in the game?

Are you a person or an animal? I'm a human. You're a human. Okay. Can you design yourself? Mm-hmm. You can give yourself cute little outfits. Can you design yourself to look like yourself? Yeah.

It's just a nicer version of life right now. You can go outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can go to the store but it's we can all agree that the outside sucks right like uh you know we're all complaining we can't get out of it but the second we're allowed we're all gonna be like oh i want to stay in the second that it's free yeah i'm glad this wasn't a reverse quarantine where we were locked out i said yeah outdoor quarantine oh boy oh that would stink

if the indoors is the only way that you could catch it oh man that's that's a pretty good idea for like a horror movie yeah that you have to stay outdoors at all times the outdoorsening and the inside like inside looks so great like it's you know tvs are blasted you know the bread is almost baked yeah stove top covered in stuffing yeah stove top bubbling on the stove well great green lit yeah good so uh animal crossing sourdough um what are you on a regular are you on a regular sketch or are you all over the map i'm um i'm trying to be like uh my husband is still working so he's getting up at a regular hour and if i don't get up in time to like get out of the way when he's going to be working on his computer in the bedroom

I'll have to and this is nobody's fault like the way people chew and drink is so wonderful I know it's just there's just too much chewing in our house me too I'm part of the problem

what's the name of it it's called like... Misophonia. Misophonia, yeah. And you guys are just eating rice cakes. Yeah. And just like the crunchiest... Slurping chowders.

So what happens? So he gets up, starts working at 9 a.m., immediately starts chewing. Crunching away on some cereal. Yeah, he puts in some tobacco and... Yeah. He works for western living that's why yeah 10 spittoons anyways we're getting along very well it's just uh yeah in the mornings it's good to good for both of us to have a little space so i'm out of bed i'm logging onto the computer as if i have something important to do. And then it's four o'clock.

Yeah. Then it is. Have you noticed that, that there are some days that just completely slip by and then there's other days that are just like, how a lot, this is the longest day that ever was. Yeah.

It's, I'm finding it. I do some freelance work. So I have like a time tracker app to keep track of, you know, how long I'm spending track of you know how long i'm spending on you know this is right uh sourdough nurturing and by the way feel free to bill us uh we were i was 20 minutes uh you know we were having some internet problems at the beginning so

feel free to just add that on at the end but i'm like adding other stuff to my time tracking software just so i can look back over the week and be like ah i did i did make something of myself like i did spend an hour cleaning out a cupboard this week like there's my line item or yeah yeah oh i spilled my breadcrumbs everywhere from um like it's not clean i was attacked by birds so that took up several hours so so you were making too many sourdoughs you you don't you can't possibly eat them all you have to just grind them into breadcrumbs and then you've been spilling them everywhere yeah a little trail where's Stacy come find me just how we keep it fresh you know yeah you gotta keep it fresh you gotta keep it fresh it's uh yeah is it is it weird uh like because he like you said he has to work in the bedroom so that's the office i bet he does yeah um but like i don't know it's it's a weird thing if you

only have the one room to work in then then that bedroom becomes bedroom and then office. So he's in that room for basically 20. All the time. What room are you in now? I'm in the living room. Max is also here. He's on his computer. He's got his headphones on over there.

Okay. Because he can't be at work in his work office anymore. You know? Oh, yeah. You got to separate it. We only have so many zones in the house. Yeah. You couldn't send him out to work in the living room anymore. You know? Oh, yeah. You got to separate it. We only have so many zones in the house. Yeah. You couldn't send him out to work in the living room

when you wake up, like in the morning? It's just not how it's worked out, not how the desk situation has... Has made itself. Evolved. Fair enough. Did you ever own a desktop computer? Yeah.

In my youth? I did as an adult, and it was very strange to like like thinking back and be like well i'm going to the other room to go on the computer yeah yeah yeah buckling in it's also weird that there was a time like you can't tell kids this they won't understand but there was a time when there was one computer in the house per per family and it wasn't somewhere private usually it was uh you know in yeah if you wanted to do anything private on that computer it was by the way it was gonna take a while and you're and you just have to not go on a ski trip you'd have to make sure everyone was out of the house yeah i know it was like it was like an appliance before yeah now it's a

toy it'd be like if in the future we all have our own stove tops that we can just take wherever we want uh they have them they're called hot plates i've got one that i have in the bedroom that i have on my lap every night. You're limiting your kid's stovetop time. Yeah, exactly. Dylan. Do I smell popcorn? Well, Brandon was having some.

Yeah, I named my kids after the boys from 9-1-1. Brandon and Dylan are coming over. Good pull. I didn't know that I knew those names, but I do. Dave, what's going on with you, man? How's it going? Well, I mean, it's every day.

I mean, I, oh boy. I wish I could limit myself to crying once a week. Yeah, yeah. Very strong. But you could myself to crying once a week. Yeah. Yeah. Very strong. But you could do it like once a day. Yeah. No. Oh, thanks.

Make time for it, you know? No, I wish I could get it out. Yeah. It's there. Yeah. It's like right behind my face. You just got to put it into your time tracker. That's right. Yeah.

Tuesdays, 3.30 to 4. Check. So we talked about this last week, I think. I'm still watching The Last Dance, the Michael Jordan basketball show. Yep. And it's, boy, they release two episodes a week. And it's been a while since I had a show that I looked forward to every week. Right.

And it's because everything is either like, I don't really care about the show or I binge it or yeah, it's all released at once. Right. Or I missed it for two seasons and then I'm like, I'll just watch it whenever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you. Would you call it must-see TV? I would call it television that you just cannot miss. For legal reasons.

Well, yeah, and that's what must-see TV was. You legally had to see it. So that's good. Are you still both have not watched it I've watched it do you like it Stacey and it's fun because I don't know

anything about the 90s bulls except for the except like extensive space jam knowledge so it's fun to be like I don't know how this ends

will they win the big championship Michael Jordan swears so much in it were you surprised how much he swears he is very foul-mouthed. Yeah, I didn't know he would.

Everyone's a fucker. Fuck that fucker. Oh, really? Yeah. He's like calling people out and saying, fuck that guy. Yeah. Like who? Isaiah Thomas.

Oh, Isaiah Thomas, sure. He was an asshole. That was an asshole move by that fucker. It's just really, I don't know if you guys have maybe more sporty minds than me, but I. I have a criminal mind. You're like, whatever you're saying. No. Yeah.

But like, I can't remember if I play a soccer game or something. I forget about it immediately. Like could not describe anything to you. But these guys have these like crystal clear memories of like every pass every play they've made 30 years ago it's wild yeah that's why they

get paid millions yeah yeah yeah they have a lot of them have that like uh i think lebron james someone asked him a question about what happened in a

game last year like what happened on this point and he went through the whole thing he hadn't seen it but they just have photographic memories they're so in the zone for um if what when they're playing that like he remembered

exactly what happened and what every other player was doing on the court at that time but like in a lot of the early days in like college and stuff you have to watch tape of yourself over and over again playing a sport which probably like you're like i would want to avoid doing that so i'll just remember i would sometimes i would make sure my whole family was away on a ski trip before i would watch tape of myself uh but yeah no it's good um but anyway we talked about that last week. Here's what's going on with me, uh, this week. So Margo is at, um, she's, she's in kindergarten and it's closed. And so they've sent home these lessons of, you know, uh, things she needs to complete every day, or I guess she fails kindergarten.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, but, uh, it's, and it's like like it's hard to motivate anyone to do anything yeah uh but it takes like an hour maximum to do the stuff yeah especially if you're sitting with her and like you know helping her out yeah uh what are the lessons like glue popsicle stick there is like hey uh here's a video of a craft okay this craft now here's a video of the craft you see if your kid likes that are you more of a robin tunney or a ferruza ball um and so there's that and then but it's also like they made like a million photocopies and sent them home of like worksheets for the kids and like you know uh find the rhombus

it's always in the last place you look yeah yeah um but i'm getting vivid elementary school memories of having to write your name and your division and the date on every piece of like work that you do a division i completely forgot that that was like part of the the school hierarchy but you're right. The case system. Yeah, was I division 6? I think I was. Every grade, I think you're a different division. So maybe yes? Yeah, you were probably division 6, but you know,

in grade 5 or 6. Yeah, that makes sense. It's always weird when they, because I had a couple classes like the grades were split but they were together in a class and they they passed that off they're like no this is normal this this is normal for some people to be learning dumb stuff and the other people not catching up yeah yeah yeah and uh you know it's totally fine fine if you can date a younger kid. Yeah. So the lessons are over in an hour and then you've got how many hours?

Twelve odd. Let me just do the math. Yeah. That's what other math problems are. How much longer until you go to bed? Yeah. What food will you refuse to eat today yeah what what uh what's on her comes after descendants too what's on her no eat list oh every day is uh you know she's a good eater margo's a good eater poppy's uh trouble yeah what won't she eat greens uh no she'll there's nothing specific it's just like

she'll have a bite of something at dinner and she'll say i'm full what a power move really is oh she's away from the table no more yeah i'm ready for dessert now i could probably eat a big dessert though. Uh, yeah. Um, yeah. So that's a school. And the other thing is Margo's tooth fell out. Oh, did finally.

So, so after probably from being such a good eater. Yeah. Although in the last couple of weeks of, cause this tooth would not fall out. It was sort of wiggling, I think in February and it, um, I had no idea. idea it was it would be like

six weeks of this but it finally fell out and um it the last couple of weeks like she couldn't eat apples and stuff like she it would hurt she didn't like the wiggling so only puddings and only puddings and like avocado five ways yes um and so it finally fell out so i had my first time of being the tooth fairy oh yeah so exciting spoiler also oh yeah by the way uh everyone out there i'm the tooth fairy yeah if your tooth ever fell out it was me i came and got it um what did you do what's your what's your play well she has a tooth fairy book so we read that one okay that night uh and uh she like i was saying had she seen the the rock vehicle uh the tooth fairy uh no she saw the one where vin diesel is a babysitter

yes the pacifier yes sure so we can show her that instead uh because i don't think she's ready your tooth is gonna fall out so you need to watch the pacifier fire you'll get it when you're older yeah uh so yeah that we we read this little book and she brushed her tooth like on its own yeah it was so it's so tiny and it was just hanging by a thread or no no in her hand oh in her hand in her hand it was so it's like in her hand oh it was so it's like maybe the size of two grains of rice right pre pre throwing them into the stovetop rice-a-roni yeah cooker and so it was like i was very worried about how like i don't want to be reaching around under the pillow like and miss it right yeah yeah because if you leave the money and the tooth, that destroys everything. Jigs up.

Yeah, I left the gun and I took the cannoli. That's right. And I also put a horse's head in her bed. The thing that's, I brought it up on the podcast before, is like if you see an x-ray of a kid's like all the adult teeth are in there it's so scary it's something like something that would live in the mariana's trench or something like that it's deeply chilling it just goes to show you that children are mostly shark and now we know that's why they like that baby shark song so much oh it me yeah it me when i was a kid i used to like leave the tooth fairy notes like some people leave notes for santa some people and i would leave tooth fairy note too and

then uh my mom would be like oh no now i have to write back so she'd have to come i have a million questions really little journalist and then she'd write back to me like spend all night typing this thing up and then she'd print it out and be like that font looks pretty familiar mother trying to catch her my gotcha journalist so you knew i had my suspicions um did you did you um what's your uh your column in vancouver magazine where people have like questions about the city city informer yeah city informer did you ever do like a is it very real i'm gonna get to the bottom of it maybe for my one last job yeah that one last job yeah um i bet there's a million questions that people have now they're like hey uh when will the economy recover yeah i hear they're gonna start to uh you know making you

pay for project again what's up with that um the uh like the government released a big thing like the federal government and the provincial government that the fair tooth fairy is an essential worker and i was like who what kids are watching john horgan's press conference and they're like yes this is for this is for me step aside parents here's some news i can use um so the night of i like we i did her bedtime and we're like okay where are you gonna leave this like let's let's just make sure that the tooth fairy knows where you're going to leave it. I think,

cause in the book it says, leave it on the bottom right side of your pillow. Okay. Uh, and I was like, okay, this is, this would be the tooth fairy's right side,

but this is your right side. And this is more convenient for me. So I, so put it here. Yeah. And then like, as I was tucking her in, I like felt underneath,

just making sure it's still there so i could like just triple check that i would be able to find it in the dark and then at like uh 11 i went in right before i went to bed and i brought the money and i like snuck in and my uh if she woke up, I was going to say, Oh, uh, I was just checking. I just wanted to see if the tooth fairy had been here yet.

Right. Smart. Um, so I'm not watching you sleep. If that's what you think. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Then I'm not drawing you. And so I went in and I, uh, I did a little swap and the, the tooth was there. So tiny. And I put the money and I like ran out of the room. I bumped into the doorway because I was like, okay. Don't get cut.

Adrenaline is pumping. This is the most like high pressure thing I've had to do in weeks. That's why he's played by The Rock. That's why no one could pacify them like the rock well the one guy could uh but uh yeah she didn't wake up and i didn't get to sleep that night i was so adrenaline junkie yeah the um what what's the going rate for a tooth these days well her cousin who's her age and her classmate both got five dollars five dollars canadian oh we yes and that that occurred to me it's like oh the tooth fairy's gotta have every like uh currency have croners you gotta have i'm running low keep going so it's your euro yeah toy trucks which don't exist anymore um i bet when the the euro zone happened the tooth fairy

was very happy to not have to carry every i'm sure a politician also went on tv and that's how they sold it to kids yes this is how we get the kids on board yeah although they're like hmm well minimum wage is different in portugal than it is in germany so do i give them the uh does a kid is a portuguese tooth worth the same as a german this is these are the she got five dollars and but i i sort of floated the idea that i think the tooth fairy gives five dollars for the first tooth yeah yeah yeah and diminishing returns when i was a kid and i i completely forgot about this until you were talking about it and it like shook loose a memory that uh it was myself and my brothers we had like uh it was like a tooth pillow it's shaped like a

tooth and it had a place to put the tooth in so that the parents could just come take the tooth and then put a loony that's what i ended up getting yeah uh a loony in its mouth and then i was thinking like the i think the loony only was introduced in 1987 so i maybe got i must have gotten quarters i must have gotten quarters as well yeah yeah i had quarters in my tooth pillow and in a cake wrapped in wax paper oh my family used to do that too coin cake yeah and sometimes they'd wrap my grandma would wrap up like a button and a ring as well. And if you found the ring, you'd be the next one to get married. We're like all seven.

And if you got the button, you had to do the dishes. Yeah. But it's just like garbage cake. It is. It's just a bunch of garbage thrown into a cake. My question now is, what do I do with this tooth? Dave, you sell it to some voodoo guy. But then is he going to curse my kid?

No, no, no. The tooth has no soul in it. He just needs it for his recipes. Yeah, do you keep it in like a jar? Do you make it into a jewelry? Just a jar of kids teeth yeah people do that i know and it worries me and then do i oh boy like because i'm not i mean i i'm you know i i'm i'm sentimental in certain ways about my kids in a lot of ways but i don't i see them often enough i see their their living teeth every day i don't need their see them often enough. I see their, their living teeth every day.

I don't need their baby teeth. I mean, yes. Uh, yeah. But also would a garbage man feel bad knowing he was collecting garbage that had teeth in it. That's,

that's what would keep me up at night as a garbage man. How would he know? It's just that the very top of the bag of garbage or he just picks it up he feels it yeah he feels the garbage man's curse yeah and it's just the garbage man's curse this damn voodoo curse of this voodoo guy put on me why did i drink that teeth tea stupid stupid. Stupid, Gary. Oh, maybe Screaming Jay Hawkins could make a necklace out of it. Oh, yes.

The scariest voodoo guy. Put it on eBay. See how it's bitter. Oh, I'm going to do that right now. Yeah. What are my search terms? Like real baby tooth? Yeah.

I also looked up Name Moroni.com and it's available so yeah no shit real baby tooth um no they seem to just have tooth pillows you should get one of them tooth pillows that would save you because you're gonna do how many teeth are there how in the world in a mouth uh baby teeth maybe oh boy this is like 14 or something no you don't want to be doing this 14 more times feeling around under a pillow do the motors come out too they all fall out they all fall out uh what if you okay all our teeth fall out and then we all get old and we need more teeth later what if you save these and make them into like a pair of dentures tiny tiny tiny mouth dentures oh man i think that would be so great because that's one of the things gives you handmade dentures that he's been collecting the last 80 years? Isn't that one of the things that makes

like kids' faces so cute is they don't, they've got like chubby cheeks because they're not full of teeth yet. Like once your adult teeth grow and your bite changes and your face elongates and then it's over.

It's been chubby since day one and remains that way. So then you can be cute again when you're old if you have baby teeth again. Yeah. The circle of life. Yeah, from cute to cute. The circle of life. That famous saying.

So, well, congratulations on your first tooth mission. Yeah, I've been a Santa Claus and I've been an Easter Bunny for a few years. But this was the first of that one. And that's the last one, right? No, you got to be Peter Pumpkinhead for Halloween. You got to be the New Year's baby and then the New Year's old guy. Sure, I've got to be the leprechaun. Yeah, you got to be the leprechaun.

From Leprechaun. From Leprechaun. You have to be the scary, scary leprechaun yeah you gotta be the leprechaun from leprechaun you have to be the scary scary leprechaun yeah i've got to be the leprechaun from the boston celtics logo her first basketball game gotta be the flag day um ostrich yeah i've got to be the pacifier yeah oh no oh boy big to-do list um well that's great congratulations um so what's going on with you um well when we first started doing these uh remote uh episodes i was talking about a show called ton of cash which is a reality show you can get on an online for free and it's about a group of very dumb people moving a literal ton of cash from los angeles to las vegas and they lose a lot along the way just like out of their like bags and boxes yeah they like every day was a

challenge to move the ton of cash a certain distance and if they didn't make it on time money was deducted and so it ended up that uh the grand prize was just just over two hundred thousand dollars uh so they lost most of it um and then somebody in the facebook group for the podcast said oh you, you got to watch Too Hot to Handle. And so. I said that. Yeah. And I've been watching it.

And have you seen it? No. Okay. Have you seen it, Stacey? No, but I'm familiar with the concept. It sounds bananas. The hottest people who are, they just can't do it. It's a bunch of very good looking people on an island.

And they're so horny. They're so horny that even the narrator of the show keeps saying how horny everybody is. Like, they're like, this is going to be really tough because these people are plenty horny. This guy tested positive for being horny. And they don't know on the first episode episode they don't know what the setup is of the show they're on they think it's like a bachelor type show yeah i think it's dry humping then they drop the bomb on them and all everybody freaks out because these people have sex every day they report uh so then you're not allowed there's no self-satisfaction is not allowed no heavy

petting no kissing uh and so the like do they use the term heavy petting like it's a like a 50s book on hygiene for boys don't let a hand go under your poodle skirt um but they uh so they say there's going to be money deducted for every infraction they they stand to win a hundred thousand dollars and money will be deducted for all every horny infraction is it called hump of cash they the first right out of the gates, two people make out. And how much do you think a make out would go for? Out of 100,000.

I mean, if a tooth is $5. Yeah. Carry the three. Let's see. And 100,000 is the most you can get for not having sex. 100,000 is the most you can get for not having sex. And several of the contestants have already proclaimed that they don't care about the money and they would rather have the sex. But they're going to ruin that for everyone else.

Yeah, it's true. Is it like that where like the the is it like ton of cash where if someone else screws up, then if person A screws up, then person B can't get $100,000 anymore. Yeah. It's being whittled away from the not quite a ton. Yeah, from the inside out. So kissing. Okay, how much does it make? $500. Stacey, what do you think?

I'll say $501. Damn it. Stacey's closest because it was three thousand dollars for a kiss this is what the problem with this for me is absolutely about consent because it's like uh you get into terms of like well he kissed me and that's the very first uh kind of problem that bubbles up is who kissed who. Whom. Thank you. But if I kiss someone and they don't kiss me back, is it only $1,500? No.

As soon as lips touch, regret. What if a tongue comes out? Is that worth more? It's not worth more, but it's better to watch. You darned it. It really is terrible TV seeing the tongue come out. It's not worth more, but it's better to watch. You darned it. It really is terrible TV seeing the tongue cut out. It's very gross. So, the first episode, yeah, somebody gets deducted money for making out.

Then this same woman, who's from British Columbia. Woo! Yeah. She decides to kiss one of her fellow women. And she says they'll never know. They'll never be able to figure out who it was who kissed because they don't announce the names of who they just said there was an infraction. And and then people that other contestants have to guess who was horning out. And so this gal kissed another girl and she said they'll never be able to tell but then when

it came time to find out the contestants just asked who who was it that made out and then the little computer told them it's hosted by like an ai yeah yeah it's hosted by like uh yeah like a siri kind of thing horny bot 5000 yeah the um you just told them it was what a narc

it was great narc bot 3000 these two chicks totally made out um how much have you watched uh

I'm I think I'm halfway through and uh it's uh it's been a great uh it was a great recommendation and i'm having a lot of fun with it and so thank you to everyone and anyone who said i think it should have been called horny island i think they just cut out the middleman of calling it too hot to handle it's it's horny island yeah um we took america's horniest people and took them to america's horniest island but a voodoo curse has been placed on that island and anyone who has sex or kisses

dies it's like a horror movie yeah yeah because it's all the horniest people who die first that's true yeah there's just like one mormon girl in the back like who's gonna win it all everyone keeps forgetting about it yeah and she keeps pretending she's like oh boy isn't this this sucks not being able to have sex right guy yeah you think there's no horny mormons horny mons? Horny Mormies? Yeah. Write in if you're a horny Mormon. Yeah, yeah. We want to hear from you.

That was the first draft of the show. Horny Mormies. Horny Mormies. It didn't go as well. And so how much money is remaining? Right now they've only been deducted $6,000. So still $94,000. Oh, just the two kisses? Yeah.

But there's going to be more quickly because people are showering together. Oh, they also all share the same room. How do you not lose money for showering together? Not touching. Yeah. Not touching. They were all, yeah they they shower together and they all sleep in the same room so there's a lot of people who are just lying in bed together

trying to bahat magandhi the situation i wasn't i didn't uh yeah it's uh it's a great show i recommend it to any and all uh people it's fantastic and appropriate for our touchless times yeah exactly some of the least horny times that this generation will ever experience. Yeah. At least horny generation. Now, speaking of horny things, are we ready to move on to the Bradley Cooper Movie Club? I absolutely am. Oh, wait. We have a theme song. Oh, yeah.

It's really good. Bradley Cooper Movie Club, Movie Club, Movie Club. Bradley Cooper Movie Club. Well, sure. Okay. Why not? That's perfect. cooper movie club movie club movie club bradley cooper movie club well sure okay why not that's perfect and thank you to john n for that remix it was a remix of me singing the bradley cooper movie great it was a thing of beauty um now this week on the bradley cooper movie club this is uh week two of the club wait week three three right week three we started with the lady gaga one uh yeah stars born yes or as mad magazine would call it a star's board

right that we can all agree that's what they would do and then we did joy and then uh mad magazine would have called joy um lack of joy okay joyless sadness um and then finally uh this week we chose valentine's day the 2010 gary marshall ensemble which mad magazine would have called oh um yuck einstein's day frankenstein's day frankenstein's day that'd be good now i have never seen one of these uh because there are there's valentine's day and new year's eve and mother's day i think is the other one there's a mother's day one um we last week when we were choosing, the other one that Bradley Cooper was in is He's Just Not That Into You, which is another one of these ensemble ones with, you know, 10 different plot lines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so if you're not familiar with the movie, it stars from taylor lautner to taylor swift um and it's like

isn't there's two guys from gray's anatomy there were they're both mcdreamy and mcsteamy were right two guys from that 70s show oh yeah yeah oh they probably had good time on set together wow they never yeah although i don't know if they were in any scenes together everybody probably just showed up for like a half day like I was timing how long Bradley Cooper was in the movie in total it was under 8 minutes the credits were 7 minutes that's true

I knew there were going to be bloopers over the credits watching that I didn't and it was a real thrill so this is a movie uh about um uh i mean i guess it's about all of us yes um it's about valentine's day it starts the morning of valentine's day ashton kutcher wakes up proposes to j Jessica Alba. That's right. Can you blame him? And Jessica Alba sporting the blonde hair that she, I think, had her hair dyed to be the invisible Fantastic Four. So that time stamps it.

And this movie had many people I've had crushes on. Oh, it's a fun opportunity to guess. Shirley MacLaine. Shirley MacL opportunity to guess. Shirley MacLaine. Shirley MacLaine. Yeah, Shirley MacLaine. Hector Elizondo. Yep. George Lopez.

Yep. You guys are funny. Funny guys. George Lopez didn't make it into the opening credits of who stars in the movie. He was... Although he's probably in the movie more than Bradley Cooper. More than Jessica. Who worked the least?

Jessica Alma? Yeah, she is. Kristen Schaal. Kristen Schaal. I think it was Kristen Schaal. Yeah, so everyone's very good looking. What a cast. What a good looking cast. and jessica beal

is there for comic relief wow so many like angular brunette women yes like just yeah i guess i guess that's my type yeah i guess that would explain all my crushes. So it starts off with Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Alba. And then it goes to Jamie Foxx. And he's like a Valentine's Scrooge. He doesn't like Valentine's Day. And he's doing Man on the Street. He's a sports reporter, but it's a slow sports day. So he's doing Man on the street stories all day long because

kathy bates asked him to maybe that's the shortest yeah yeah that's who worked the least was kathy bates kathy bates is in the first and last scene of the movie and and he got more action but jamie fox is like he he's just doing live man on the street all day long like they're not doing a story that he's like packaging a bunch of men on the street things he talks to some idiot on the street and then turns to the camera and says well there you have it and then he abandons that job part way through the movie and his cameraman takes over so he doesn't even do a whole day of that. I think he's very bad at his job. He's also like slightly racist. He goes to like the flower market

and tries to interview a Vietnamese man and it's just like, I can't understand what you're saying. Yeah, that's right. There was some racial overtones in that scene. And there was a weird thing throughout the whole movie that everybody was so stoked

that it was valentine's day and that there weren't any characters that were like oh i don't give a shit yeah well it was some people were stoked and some people were like oh i hate valentine's day but no one didn't care yeah yeah yeah and these were most of these characters were grown-ups yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean like i get the teenagers being like, oh, this is a big deal. Oh, my God, the teenagers. Speaking of which, Taylor Swift runs funny, hey?

Did you guys notice that, that she runs funny? She does everything funny. She was the comic relief. I re-watched the scene where she ran, like, several times because it was notably hilarious. Graham. What? You're not allowed to like rewatch a scene of Taylor's running over and

over. Not even if I play yakety sacks underneath. The yakety sacks defense. Yeah, exactly. Your honor. Yakety sacks. All right.

I'll allow it um in the movie uh i don't know if you guys like how fast did you realize that julia roberts was going home to see a kid oh i didn't oh you didn't no oh i as soon as she was on the plane and then they showed that kid that was by himself i was like oh julia roberts is oh i did not i knew i knew that like because there were you know whatever 10 plot lines going all at the same time and hers was like a 14 hour flight yes that like we're not going to find out hers until the end and i was in such suspense and she was coming from because she was like dressed like a soul like like she'd walked off of the battlefield into the plane i was like what it's 14 hours from la and the only thing is australia so she's been fighting a war in australia yeah this yes the

great dingo war of 19 whatever year that movie came um do i i, I think there's a good chance it was Stolen Valor. Yeah, I think it was Stolen Valor. She was just wearing a military uniform so she would be able to board the flight first. And get to sit next to Hunky Hungy, Bradley Cooper. Bradley Cooper, the reason for the season.

We don't, what do we, why are we doing this? Because people need it. Now more than ever. we don't what do we why do we why are we doing this because people need it now more than ever we need a celebration of Bradley Cooper is varied and diverse body of work

what there was a there's a movie that he's in with Sandra Bullock that would be my nominee for we're not done with this I'm just saying I have a nominee yeah I know there's just so much happening in this movie it's hard to it's hard to focus

like there's I made a chart listeners you won't be able to see this but I tried to make a chart of like how everyone was related to each other that's amazing hold it up again please oh wait why am I taking a picture with my phone instead of a screen capture all right well yeah that's great um like 20 minutes in and you still hadn't met all the

characters and you're like okay this is like anne hathaway's a phone sex operator i guess quarterback and i did enjoy like finding out how they overlapped or interacted like when you when you meet a character kind of on their own you'd be like okay they have to work themselves into this world in some way i did like that they had mcsteamy was the quarterback and he was uh they i like that they didn't mention any licensed football things they were like the quarterback of the team uh he just you know who we're talking he just lost the championship team and he's going to be a free agent another team is going to want him we don't have the rights to talk about it on this station and apparently the news is just doing puff pieces because they go into the, like they interviewed Taylor Swift and they talked to her for so long.

Yeah. And, uh, she, that's right near the running scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, but she does bad. She does like, she's a bad runner, but then she's a bad dancer too. But that's, that's seemingly the joke. That's the joke. And then like, she's a bad actor. I that's that's seemingly the joke that's the joke and then

like she's a bad actor i don't know if that's like part of that figure into the plot and hathaway that was really good yeah she's she's uh there i said it i went there she seems like the president of the drama club and that's i can never shake it no matter what i see her in i was looking through the trivia about this movie afterwards and there was something like 19 oscar nominations between the cast oh yes yeah but a record none for this movie uh two razzie winners oh really nice uh ashton kutcher and uh jessica alba yeah in just for just for this movie in a movie that was competing for who was the worst in it uh i think ashton kutcher made a very strong case for his razzie uh he i like outside of kelso he doesn't he can't he can't bring it home is what

i'm saying um but do you guys disagree are you guys ashton i didn't like it home is what I'm saying. But do you guys disagree? Are you guys Ashton Hicks? I didn't. It was definitely his movie to lose. That's right. In an ensemble cast, he seems to be the main guy. Yeah, he was the

linchpin character for sure. He had the most connections. I'm surprised Jessica Alba would get any nomination at all. Her character just seemed to be a woman with job. Yes. Yeah, a woman with job yes yeah woman

with job who doesn't want this relationship to continue jessica oh yeah yeah we did not know anything about her she was like some kind of invisible woman yes oh is this part of the marvel um universe yeah she's uh valentine's Day's canon with the Marvel universe. That I thought. I mean, was Topher Grace Spider-Man at one point? He was in a Spider-Man. Close enough, yeah. It's all coming together. He was in a Spider-Man.

Jamie Foxx was in a thing. Spider-Man, yeah. Anne Hathaway, was she Catwoman? She was Catwoman. Close enough. I mean, you can't throw a rock in Hollywood without hitting a superhero. Anne Hathaway was she she was a cat woman close enough I mean you can't throw a rock in Hollywood without hitting a superhero

no that's true and you know what not all heroes wear capes some of them wear you know boots just a nice vest

or boots yeah and it would be it would actually be like a rising star in Hollywood now and be like there's no heroes

for me to be I just have to be all these like leftover side like weird one-off superhero comic characters that they're bringing to life. Robin's own movie. I'm like, oh, no. So, in keeping with the BCMC, my vote is for...

Are we done? We're not done this yet. We're not? Are you sure? It seemed like we were done i feel like we need some closure um do we do we need uh did we like this movie no what are you high i ain't shaking big why did i why did i watch this movie because we're bound by the bradley cooper movie club okay this is by the way uh this is going to be the i it maybe it already is but it's the running theme of the bradley cooper movie club of can we stop doing it no we can't it's

because that voodoo curse you knew that when you when you stole your daughter's baby tooth okay can i just read you a couple of the worst bits of uh movie trivia i read yes sure uh from imdb's trivia yeah oh another thing about this movie is i don't know any of the character names no me neither i watched the whole movie and everyone in my mind was still ashton kutcher and Jessica Alba and Patrick Dempsey. So here's some of the worst trivia. Fernanda Romero was considered for the role of Morley Clarkson. I don't know who that is, and I don't know what that character is.

Katie Cassidy was considered for the role of Felicia oh yes yeah just no don't know barely missed it and finally here's a cameo in the movie james f mccann the founder and ceo of 1-800-Flowers.com appeared as a customer in a deleted flower shop scene. Oh, that shit is great. Easter eggs. I love them. Yeah. I really would have recognized the CEO of 1-800-Flowers.com. He's a friend of Gary Marshall's. There's another scene where they have a problem with somebody who doesn't speak English where they're like, I can't understand your Bulgarian order at the flower shop.

Is there anyone here who speaks Bulgarian? Or anyone who speaks English with a Bulgarian accent. There were just so many scenes where I'm like, what is this trying to tell us? Like, what do you, what is happening here? Why? Who's this for? Who is this for?

It's for everybody who loves or, and or hates Valentine's Day. But if you're in, you know, if you don't care one way or the other, this movie will not do it for you. Also, another connection, other than that 70s show and Grey's Anatomy, Julia Roberts and her niece, Emma Roberts, are both in it. Oh, yeah. That's right. Some real nepotism at work. Also, in the bloopers, did you catch the Pretty Woman reference? I did.

That was good. We should have watched Pretty Woman. Maybe you could do that for Bradley Cooper. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Bradley Cooper. Should we talk about Bradley Cooper's arc? Yeah, so he's on the plane with... And Julia Roberts is

a... Whose aunt is she again? She's Emma Roberts' aunt who wanted to lose her virginity to the guitar playing naked boyfriend. She told everyone. Like, so inappropriate. We're going to lose our virginity at lunch. To her teacher? Yeah, that's right.

And then like the grandparents she nannies for? It's just... Kids today. You know, maybe she used to go on Horny Island. Am I right, guys? her teacher yeah and then like the grandparents she nannies for it just kids today you know maybe she used to go on horny island and so uh bradley cooper's on the plane with julia roberts whose whole deal is that she's a army person who can like read people really well right and she's a poker playing army person yeah and she's like you don't like valentine's day i can tell because when they handed out suckers yeah lollipops heart-shaped lollipops you didn't immediately eat it on the airplane yeah um and so he's like yeah love's tough uh but i guess i'm going to and then he goes home and he loves the uh gay quarterback yes and that's the that i did not see that reveal i know i was

shocked it was i gasped it was i was delighted i thought it was very uh yeah pretty heteronormative all the way through so it was nice that they sprinkled a little bit of yeah a little bit of stuff at the end yeah i mean it could have been less white just a little just a tinge yeah um sure was was diversity uh ever gary marshall's strength um what is gary marshall's strength just quick happy days yeah happy days the fawns um laverne and shirley was that him as well yeah um so what do you want to watch next week okay well i know you want to watch all about steve all about steve that's right uh that's but i'm i'm open to other options look i don't want to watch any of it this is a burden this is a curse this is a curse uh but yeah fine all about steve starting uh Starring Bradley Cooper and Sandra Bullock.

This might have won a Razzie. I bet. Yeah. I feel like that is correct. But I mean, I'm hoping it's 82 minutes. Yeah. And not counting Blooper Reel over the credits. That's separate from the running time. Or is it concluded in the running time? No, running time counts all the way to the end of the credits that's separate from the running time or is it concluded in the

running question no running time counts all the way to the end of the credits i think all right and as we know the credits were seven minutes so long um do we want to move on to some overheards? Yes. Welcome. Thank you. These are real podcast listeners, not actors. What do you look for in a podcast? Reliability is big for me. Power.

I'd say comfort. What do you think of this? That's Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go. They came out of the floor and down from the ceiling. That can Jordan, Jesse, go. Jordan, Jesse, go? They came out of the floor? And down from the ceiling? That can't be safe. I'm upset.

Can we go now? Soon. Jordan, Jesse, go. A real podcast. Strange planets. Curious technology. And a fantastic vision of the distant future. Featuring Martin Starr.

So we're going on day 14. Shuttle still hasn't come. Aparna Nancherla. The security system provides you with emotional security. You do the rest. Echo Kellum. Can you disconnect me or not? Hurry Kondabolu.

I'm staying. From Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Jeffrey McGivern. Could you please Cindy Lauper's girls just want to have fun? It's The Outer Reach. Stories from beyond. Now available for free at MaximumFun.org or anywhere you listen. Overheard. anywhere you listen overheard overheard the segment in which you uh may hear something now before we get into these yeah stacy mentioned in the break that we should we should start ranking these movies um as in terms of goodness and how many movies are we in and also what's the policy about

movies we've already seen uh that's a gimme will that ever come up like you've already seen limitless i've already seen limitless will that ever be part of this well we talked about limitless already i know that's yeah but if there was another bradley cooper movie that we'd already seen a la wedding crashers yeah we could talk about wedding crash right what about a movie that you've seen and i haven't seen and and i'd can i i'm just trying to eliminate movies i'm gonna have to watch so many again i think we're so basically in terms of the quality of these movies the three of them so far in order that we watch them have been the order of quality i would say stars born that's true joy the valentine's day and i think we're gonna go i

think it's gonna keep down a level yeah trajectory what's gonna get worse than all about steve i don't know man the poster for it's very bad. So that's where I start. And then whenever it says from the producers of something, that's bad. That's a bad sign. Yeah. Well, I think the worst is when from the guys who brought you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was all about Steve the from the producers of what miscongeniality and something else but it was from the producers which is just like a studio uh all right overheards a segment in which you hear things out there in the world and share them here on the podcast and we always love to start with the guest stacy you haven't overheard i do which um you know i wasn't really necessarily expecting this segment based on um the lack of leaving the house and interacting with other people but i was realizing when i was at the grocery store the other day i was like things are things are getting was at the grocery store the other day, I was like, things are,

things are getting tight at the grocery store. There's little arrows on the floor now that like guide you through, like you're in line at Disneyland. Yes. And I think it's, it's psyching people out. Cause I passed somebody, you know,

with a social distancing standards, of course, but it has this guy just like staring at the cereal, like a haunted look on his face. He's just like, we've been in here too long. Like, it's a war zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just, you got to decide on a cereal before you go in. It's not browsing time. You need a plan. But what if, like, you go, the jumbo boxes are further down the aisle, but this non-jumbo box is on sale now. So, like, what? I might be getting a better price. boxes are further down the aisle but this yeah this non-jumbo box is on sale now so like what i i might be get back getting a better price if i did i miss my chance to get a better price do i have to then go loop around the entire yeah and like if you go to get crispies and they have cocoa crispies is that going to change your opinion exactly like a war. Like I'm saying. It's like a war. It's like Julia Roberts

in Valentine's Day. Yeah, she was just at the grocery store. She's a war queen. Dave, do you have an overheard? Yeah, man. I do. So I was at Canadian

Tire. Yes. What was I even getting? Tires. Tires? Nice one. We busted. Got them. You got me, guys.

I was getting soil. I was getting some soil. Yes. And it's a strange setup because they have all their uh like plants and gardening stuff outside and then you go inside and get other stuff and pay for the things you've got outside but there's also a lineup to go outside to go inside from the outside so uh there was everyone was waiting to go into the store there was a lineup and one woman was like well i want to get some she went to the

front of the line went around everyone and started talking to the security guard and there were some baskets like 10 feet inside the store and she was like can i just go get a basket and come outside or do i have to wait in line here to then get a basket and come out and then go back in right and he was like yeah everyone has to wait i'm sorry yeah and she was like that's that's ridiculous i are you sure like you're being you're just not even using common sense just just let me get this and he said i'm sorry and so uh she said fine you know what i'm not even shopping here. And she walked off, stormed off. And then I went in the store after I got my turn in line, paid for my stuff, came out. Another guy was having the same conversation with the security guard.

Can I just get a basket? It's no problem if I just get a basket and bring it outside to shop for plants and i wouldn't let him in and he's like what's your name good thank you i would like thanks for telling me and then he storms off and then i go back to my car and start putting stuff in my car and he i see him go back to his truck and he's with the woman from before they but she couldn't get in and then she was like you try so this is a valentine's day reveal it's the worst valentine's day reveal the couple who wanted to go and get a basket oh romance yeah they found each other which is great not the baskets. No, but it is, uh, it's, uh, it's crazy out there,

man. It is crazy out there. Um, my, uh, overheard comes courtesy. By the way, they had a point.

Sure. Like I'm all for standing in line and obeying the rules, but just give him a basket, give him a basket. Let the baby have his basket. A tisket, a tasket. Absolutely.

Every day at 7 p.m., people make noise for the frontline workers. Clanging pots. It started just clanging pots. And then it's evolved into whoever has access to fireworks. Yeah. How do people still have fireworks 45 days in? to whoever has access to fireworks. Yeah. It's just become like a firework thing. How do people still have fireworks 45 days in? I think somebody who just owned a firework store,

and this is the last, this is what was left over from Halloween. But every day, my overheard is right next to my building. Somebody in the building next door is learning guitar and every day at 7 p.m they play heart and soul on the guitar very slowly very out of tune time for another concert yeah 7 p.m here we go turn up the amp just like like when Tom Hanks and Robert Loja played it on the giant guitar. Yeah.

Famous guitar song, Heart and Soul. With their feet. Do you play chopsticks on a guitar? Yeah. You just lay it down on your lap and then two strings that way. I don't know. But yeah, it's a bad song for guitar. And a bad song for somebody who doesn't know how to play guitar.

But that's not the time. Are you finding the 7 p.m. clapping is losing steam? Like in terms of the sound of it? Yeah, are people still doing it? They very much are by this, by my... Oh, really? Yeah, they're going nuts still. Sometimes I'm giving a kid a bath and I just don't even notice.

Yeah, that's true. And, you know, if I'm giving a kid a bath, then what the hell's going on there? Where's my bath? Yeah, exactly. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from people all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you overheards sent in to us from people all over the map. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org.

And this first one comes from Jamie from New Jersey. This evening, I was sitting on my porch, enjoying the peaceful quarantine life. When three teen boys walked past, they definitely weren't six feet apart from each other one says do you know how long i could survive on my own with just a toaster oven and a laptop pretty good right yeah yeah how long do you think you'd last i mean toaster oven and a laptop yeah i mean i get can i put food in the toaster oven? You can order food online. Oh, boy. And then have food brought to you, and then you can heat it up in that toaster oven. Yeah. I mean, I could last a long time because I've never had so many just like bread and cheese and cold cut sandwiches as I do now.

And they're excellent. Yeah. The cornerstone of the sandwich movement where are you plugging this toaster in that's what i'd like to know into the laptop laptop it's a usb uh symbiotic uh 69 um how long do you think you'd last stacy laptop and toaster oven and just like a peaceful life no no one's trying to like they're not yeah knocking down your door just this is your life now probably ours oh stacy did you guys read about that hermit in maine he

like ran away from home when he was 18 and lived in the woods for like 20 years and he was just surviving off of stuff he would like break into people's cabins when they were away for the winter and just steal like a little thing here or there. I did hear about this. A pillow, a can of beans. So people would come home and be like, huh, that's weird. I swore I had an extra pair of pants. Oh well.

And he just lived. He lived. And my place didn't smell like a hobo when i left but the hell's going on with this wallpaper um i uh this next one comes all the way you could do it there sandwich man 17 years yeah i think it's pretty like that's a pretty simple setup yeah i mean like i mean it's it's leaving out a lot of things that like i guess it like you you can still like wear clothes right yeah here's what you do you knock your teeth out you put them in your pillow you wake up you got 100 bucks yeah take a taxi to town you're laughing you spend your hundred bucks on a taxi. Yeah.

Big tipper. This next one comes from Matt W. In Surrey, England, UK. Oh. This is overheard as a little bit late. My apologies. But I've always wanted to send it in. That's great.

My daughter. That's great. That daughter. That's great. That's good for you. Take your time. My daughter, who was about two at the time, was looking for something in her room and getting quite frustrated. So I asked her what she was doing, to which she replied, I'm looking for my hand hats, which she meant was gloves. Hand hats. Yeah.

How old is that daughter now? daughter is six was two now six and hats have you ever had a moment like where you can't quite you know that the word you've lived

with the word forever but you can't I couldn't remember like a glove compartment in a car. Yeah. I was just like, what's the drawer? It's like the drawer inside your car. Car drawer. Like, why is it called a glove compartment?

It should be called a hand hat compartment. Yes, thank you. This final one comes from Nicole C. in Arkansas. My husband and I were having a conversation regarding him having to run to his office while being super sleepy. I told him he should walk there instead, which the office is only a mile from the house. He replied, one will kill me faster and one will kill me slower. Which would you prefer? Our six-year-old,

without looking away from the show he was watching, immediately chimes in, slower. Good, timing's everything. Yeah. Kids, kids, they say the darndest things.

I would like something to kill me slowly, namely a laptop and a... Toaster oven. Toaster oven oven that's the plot of saw six or whatever yeah he's got it oh now toaster your own leg how can you you have a laptop when you toasted your lap um in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one ugh spy pod one like these people have

hello david graham this is annie calling from texas I was in the grocery store yesterday, panic buying. Just kidding. And I overheard a woman who was standing alone in the paper goods aisle, staring at where the toilet paper used to be, just sort of talking to herself. And she said, I guess it's a diarrhea virus. Diarrhea virus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think that's the proper name for it, but we can all agree. In the early days of the virus, was like i they've it was i mean because they still don't really know everything about it that's true they're still learning new like oh by the way uh causing some blood clots yeah yeah yeah yeah there's new new wrinkles every day it's like oh you can't smell things that's probably covid like oh you had a stroke like that's probably covid yeah a real scapegoat graham you had um uh swine flu yeah h1n1 yeah yeah i think i at the time i it was 2009 i had the worst flu of my life and i couldn't smell things for weeks afterwards and I might have had that. Is there a way of knowing?

I don't know. I don't think you can get tested for things that you had a long time ago. What about a second genesis? I had that a long time ago. All right. Here's your next one. Dave and Graham and possibly a guest, I offer this hearty, hey, big dick to you all. Thank you.

I haven't overheard of the kids say the darndest variety because that's pretty much the only people I see these days. I'm working from home and I just happen to be working kind of in our laundry room. And I have a four-year-old and she runs in this morning and throws down a pair of soaking shoes and said, Hey, these are wet. Can you dry them for me? And it just leaves. And like an hour later, an hour later, she does it again with another pair. And then like, just like half an hour ago, she does it for a third time with a third pair of shoes. And I said, Hey, why do you keep throwing down wet shoes? What are you doing? She's like, I do a lot of wet stuff.

Anywho, off I go. shoes what are you doing she's like i do a lot of wet stuff and you off i guess uh pretty great um how come that kid's got three three pairs of shoes come on kids the three pairs for what maybe she has six feet we don't know yeah yeah that's a symptom of the virus it wasn't at the beginning but now it is now we know it's a centipede disease yeah um my kids have more shoes than that mike i don't know why they have all these shoes yeah it certainly makes leaving the house uh an ordeal yeah i when i was a kid i had a pair of shoes yeah i don't remember having more than one. I had like ski boots. Yeah. And soccer shoes.

Yeah. And then when my aunt got married, I got a pair of like penny loafers. And then like that was two. I had two pairs of shoes. To marry your aunt. Yeah. It was a weird ceremony, but everybody got behind it. Yeah.

And a penny. It was a weird ceremony, but everybody got behind it. Yeah. And a penny. Actually, that would have been a real upside to penny loafers. Yeah. Getting a penny? Getting two free pennies.

Damn right. Where do you keep your money? Maybe you put a tooth in your penny loafer. That's a good idea. Yeah. And if you don't have that, tape it to a top sider. Yeah. And if you haven't got a penny loafer, God bless you. That's right.

And your final overheard. Hey, Dave and Graham and probably quarantined guests. This is Joe in Oklahoma calling with an overheard. I was just at work where I heard one of my employees talking to another employee exclaim loudly, there are horse chiropractors? Wow. What do they do? That's it.

That's it. Please applaud. That had layers. Yeah, a horse chiropractor, you know, God bless him, but I don't understand how, like, what size of hands do you need to crack a... Yeah, how do you crack a horse's back? Do you get to pick them up, turn them upside down? Or maybe you are a horse who's a chiropractor, you know?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the obvious explanation. I think you just jump on the horse when it's not expecting you to. That's right. Yeah. Just catch him by surprise when his face is in the hole on the horse when it's not expecting you to that's right yeah just catch him by surprise when his face is in the hole on the massage bed that's right well it's like the the like feeding uh thing that they just strapped to their face they

strapped the table to the horse's face um well that uh brings us to the end of this here episode. Stacey, thank you so much for joining us. This is the first time we've done with a guest in a remote location. I think it went very, very well. I think so, too. I hope so. I hope the file gets to Dave OK, or you guys are going to go so crazy. That's true.

Yeah, that is true. Well, thank you so crazy. That's true. Yeah, that is true. Well, thank you so much. And if people want to find you online, where are you going to go? I go to StacyMcLaughlin.com, I guess. Yeah. It has links to my articles. Yeah. Well, your series about the figuring out the Vancouver questions and mysteries is fantastic.

Yeah, come at me. Yeah. And I'll do comedy again one day, I hope. But we'll see. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any comedy on the internet that people can witness? Oh, my podcast, the podcast is called After Chef Junior.

It's about Master Chef Junior. This season, since there's no new episodes on right now, we're watching a season of MasterChef Junior Australia from 2010. So. Nice. That's a thing. It's content, baby. Those kids are all adults now.

Yeah. I know. It's kind of, so you can be a little meaner to them. That's true. Sort of fun. Well, thank you very much.

Thank you guys. Stay well. Dave, thank you very much. Thank you, guys. Stay well. Dave, do you have anything you got of plugs? I just want everyone to stay well. Yeah, me too. Stay well. Take good care of yourselves. And each other. I want everyone listening to take care of yourselves and everyone not listening to

kind of sabotage each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The people who aren't listening are going to go hump a rug. You can go chiropractic horse. You can go chiropractic horse. Well, thank you everybody out there for listening. And come back next week for the thrilling conclusion of Sex Island

or Horny Island. Horny Island. If you loved this episode you know what you can tell a friend and you can come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.