Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 639 - Nikki Glaser

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

Comedian Nikki Glaser returns to talk trolls, Thinner, and dancing.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 639 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is out of my grasp. He's close but so far away, Mr. Dave Shupka. Yeah, I mean, I'm good. I'm like as close as you need me. Like if you called me, I could come over. Yeah.

I mean, like if it was an emergency yeah if i uh if i my wig fell in the toilet something like that yeah yeah um i'm a big wig guy i'm a big wig retrieval guy um i i can fish whatever you need out of the toilet uh wigs uh you know um keys, remotes, keys, wristwatches, anything from the cover of Love You Forever by Robert Munch. Our guest today,

a return guest to the podcast, hilarious comedian, host of her own podcast called You Up with Nikki Glaser. It's Nikki Glaser. Hey, guys. Hello. so good to be here again is this my third appearance this i think it feels like two might be number two yeah it feels like we had plans to do a number two before and i maybe just ran my mind through it i already had run it over so many times and anticipated it and then it never happened so

yeah uh well it's good to be back it's good to have you back yeah it is it's good it's um yeah so this is just like a weird time let's get to know us get to know us isn't that what you're that you say about it isn't that what you're supposed to say it's just a weird no that was more COVID I guess the racial protests that are the protests that are happening that you say it's like

this is oh my gosh like yeah you just say that yeah yeah yeah I just like I'm just shutting up you know yeah I put the black box out there did my part I'm just kidding of course I'm kidding

I mean it's like but what do you do you had to do the black box and then you were told not to do the black box I know well I saw that coming I waited on the black box and I was like I feel like erasing the black box. I know. Well, I saw that coming. I waited on the black box. Cause I was like, I feel like erasing the black box is going to take a lot. It's going to be a lot worse than like there.

I mean, there's no, no risk in posting it. It was just like the dump. And then you realize that the com, I had to disable the comments cause they were so hateful. And I'm like, Oh,

you know what? The black box is good. Cause it taught me someone who thought it's like oh who cares about making any kind of statement what does my voice matter which it really does they're like i i don't know it it did matter because i got to see that my followers are racist pieces of shit i got they were exposed in that post and like and they they called me out for virtual signaling which it's like yeah and it made me kind of eat crow and be like yeah this is kind of like empty and like what else can i do so i guess it was all good in the end yeah now it's good to know your

followers are all racist um not all of them but a lot is it the same ones who are are were conspiracy theory theorists about covid before yeah i, I got a lot of that too. And I didn't realize that you just think you're putting out something so innocuous. Like, hey, wear masks. Right. And like, do I even need to say this? But like, yeah, guys, just be safe out there. Even that.

Yeah, wear masks. Don't be racist. These are easy to grasp concepts. You would think. And then people come out of the woodwork and you're like, you just go on a block spree. I like Seth Rogen apparently really went after all the people that posted some kind of comment and just trashed them all in a really simple and just merciless way that I enjoyed. And I was like, oh, I just went through and blocked. I should have been a little bit meaner.

Well, this will set you up for the next tragedy that befalls us. You know? Yes. That's good. Locust watch. My just non statement on the issue will really rile up some people that I will expose people for who they are. And then I,

then I can go hard and you can nail them, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That next easy thing I can post and feel like I'm, I've done my part they like to catch a predator you said you put out the bait and then you confront them in real time yeah and they're like you're 36 you're not 17 and they're like but it's like what were they

talking about a month ago was the uh the like hornets the death hornets or whatever murder hornets yeah like the hornets have intent but i could see you posting like hey everyone if there's murder hornets stay inside yeah and people would just be like you fucking idiot yeah yeah but you really put people just saying yeah thought police well what i always do with like any kind of um troll of any sort is just attack just tell them that i'm sorry their moms didn't love them enough because that truly just kind of hits everyone in a way like you can't really go wrong with that one as someone who's like just being a troll like they definitely they are unlovable anyway you can tell so you know that their mom probably didn't love them either and that's where it started

yeah yeah it really hurts them because they can't your mom's supposed to love you and so when you call out that that she didn't and remind them of it it's just like there's no defense and you just like i'm really sorry about that would you ever do that at like a live show would you ever like pull that out on a heckler and be like your mom didn't love you oh my god you know i think i would honestly if i was if i was heckled in a way that i felt the person was that i mean i definitely have gone a little um like psychotherapist on them before and really expected what their response how they're responding and why like i remember doing a joke about like i mean it was i have it on one

of my specials but it feels weird to just bring up but i have a joke about like like accidentally this is like uh comics unleashed yeah it really is accidentally pooping during sex okay and it was the very beginning of when i was talking about it like an incident i had of just like poop and sex and um and i and when you start talking about those kind of things that you've never talked about before and the incident itself wasn't even something i could tell my own sister about after it happened let alone tell a room of people so it's been years apart from this and I am processed it and come to a place where I can share it with a crowd

and maybe potentially someone there has had a similar thing or it's... Sure. And it was around that stage where it was getting enough of a... I got a laugh in the room, but there was one girl and I was still sensitive

to people's little like aversions to it, which they should have had because it was pretty grotesque when I first came out with it with it this girl in the front row was just like ew and like had a visceral response and um and then she was just like just so judgmental and that's like my biggest fear is like being judged by like cool girls right i don't really care what men think about me as much as like women i'm just like i i's something I'm seek their approval even more. For me,

it's teens. If teens think I'm cool, then I'm, I'm fine. But if teens are like, you suck, I'd be like, oh man.

Well, they definitely don't think you're cool. Like there's just, once you get past a certain age, you cannot be cool to a teen. It becomes impossible. Don't you think? Yeah.

Yeah. So isn't that just a losing battle? Yeah, but it's still a battle i want to fight you just don't want them to outwardly like do you i bet when you're around teens you like tense up like groups of teens just so you might not like trip and fall or like spill spills or like spill something on yourself there's just something that teens could like or my shirt's tucked into my underwear and they can see underwear band over my shirt. Do you ever think,

I often think about what my teenage self would think about me. Oh, that's a really good journaling exercise. Right to your teenage self or like your teenage. Yeah. Yeah. I think my teenage, teenage Dave would think I'm pretty cool.

Cause like he, he's never seen an iPhone before. Yeah, that's true. It's my virtue of having that. Let me show you some gigs. That's really, that's really good. I know. But to finish what I said to this girl, I go, you just said gross to that because you've definitely had that happen like you just reacted in a way that the reason you're so triggered by that is

because it happened to you and you're so ashamed of it it's not your fault and I can't believe you shit during sex it's so weird I go everyone she definitely has pooped in some way during sex it's just like cannot be that she didn't none of you reacted that way

because you haven't because you like and you know and and i just nailed it because there was nothing she she didn't say anything back i mean maybe because i i really didn't give her a chance to and i badgered her just for having a innocent reaction that triggered me i remember uh seeing a comic disarm a heckler by saying there's nothing remarkable about you and the person like i think was like oh uh felt that comment oh my mom's friend one time is like a like notorious heckler and all the times when my mom would go to the funny bone here in st louis and like she would bring her friends this one friend would always heckle the other comics and one night my friend josh just like trashed her and was like you used to be hot you expect that attention still and you don't deserve it it's just and

you've never been interesting you've never josh arnold he just attacked her and he nailed it though he's like you you're still fucking great looking i mean you're killing it i would fuck you in a heartbeat like he gave her all the things but he goes, but this is your whole personality is based on someone who's extremely fuckable. And it's not, it's the currency isn't there anymore for you. Right. Wow.

Dev that's devastating. Yeah. It's devastating. I, you know what I usually do. And this is, this is just, I,

it's usually drunkenness that causes a heckler. If it's not, then it's like, I, they deserve my wrath. If you're just imagine a sober heckler oh no you can't i was just gram i was just thinking of this the other day i put the note in my phone because i've had this thought over the years of when you get cheated on in a relationship and the person

isn't drunk because you go like what were you wasted and they're like no and you're like oh you just like hate me like you just respect me like being drunk gives you such a such a pass for acting like an asshole so usually when these are when heckling situations come up i just go like you have like a drinking problem it's really clear and you're gonna lose all your friends and i can't wait to for you to find some like help i really get real and like give them an intervention because i go i hope this is a bottom for you i hope you wake up tomorrow and you remember getting kicked out of a club and that this is like a sign like i don't want to live this life anymore i like give them a motivational talk but also humiliate them that's yeah i remember into a bottom i remember hearing about robert downey jr's bottom was that he uh woke up in

like a kid's bed was that no? Oh, he ate Burger King. And he was like, what the fuck am I doing? No way. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like everything had come and gone in his life. But eating Burger King was he felt awful. Yeah, that's good.

But like there's millions of people who do it every day. Yeah. Yeah. But that's just like such a profound moment to be like what am i yeah i guess that's a i guess he just felt so bad because i i tend to think that people just i don't know i've my bottom to quit drinking was just a hangover like was honestly just feeling sick and being like why am i making myself feel like i'm dying like i truly feel like i'm dying right now and like i can't do anything so like why am i doing

this to myself and so that's what made me quit it and mine was like i was at hilarities in cleveland and just had a couple bad beers like a mixture of like a couple it wasn't a super bad bottom like my one friend like her bottom was like making out with like a guy that was gross that like kind of in our in the comedy scene that we were all that was my top and uh and that was just like that's all it took for her so it's like yeah maybe you would think getting kicked out of a comedy show though would make you kind of reassess your life have you guys ever done something what's the most like embarrassing thing you've done drunk uh i was uh i got drunk and uh pushed over a bunch of uh newspaper boxes and uh a guy leaned out his window and just yelled at me what's wrong with you man and i felt so like instantly ashamed What's wrong with you, man?

Because he was right. I was like, oh man, I am so in the wrong here. Yeah, I mean, that's so funny and just like cutting. And Andy was a teenager, so it hurt extra bad. He was a group of teenagers on each other's shoulders, dressed as a man in a dress. Dressed as a nine foot man man because teens are pretty big i think how many teenagers i think you could be a nine-foot man if it was just two teenagers yeah yeah yeah absolutely all it would take but two is a group it's a group enough for graham to get nervous yeah oh great nervous's nervous around one. Yeah, any teens. I remember being a teen

at a bus stop and an old lady like we were smoking or something and she said to get out of the bus stop. We made fun of her so much and I feel like I have that coming to me later in life. Yes. She put a curse on you. I'm going to sass off a teen.

Thinner. Thinner, exactly. I didn't even want to say it because I thought I'm gonna she put a curse on you sass off a teen thinner thinner exactly I didn't even want to say it because I thought there's no way but I was fascinated by that thinner movie where he just goes thinner did you see the movie oh yeah I saw the movie as a teen I watched it all the time because there was a blowjob scene in it and it was like there was a scene where the

guys that's when he hits the gypsy lady I don't want you to call her gypsy I think that's actually like racist now but he hits the woman with the car he's getting a blowjob and in the blowjob you can hear a stretching sound that really mystified me and my friends before we had ever given a blowjob because you hear like

a like I swear to God there is a like a bendy kind of like sound so I was like does it stretch like stretch armstrong kind of yeah yeah you gotta hear it you if you go back on youtube and listen to it you can hear it but we would play that over and over that movie was so weird so yeah you probably got cursed by i only yeah that's one of the ones where I... Teenager! I only saw the trailer for it, but

that really stuck with me. That's all you need. That's what's happening. When he gets hit, he's getting a blowjob. I feel like anytime anybody gets a blowjob in a horror movie, they're about to get something bad. And in real life.

It is insane that like, i don't mean to get like sexual because everyone always just thinks all i talk about is sex and i swear to god i generally don't but like when blowjobs come up it is insane that you guys do put your penises in our like where teeth are oh we put them in more dangerous places than that yeah that's so crazy to me but like it i mean it's crazy it is if you think about it too much you you well you shouldn't you just shouldn't think about it too much i guess no yeah that's that's the but but i think about it all the time yeah i think about it all the time because people are always like oh my god you know there's a you could grow teeth in your vagina like there's like what if there were teeth people are always like that they always say that in the circles i hang in people are always talking

about how like you could have teeth in your vagina that would be so crazy it's like okay you're already like doing that but what if I started growing teeth on my penis? What about me? Yeah. I mean, that would be, we don't do anything akin to what you do by putting your, so it doesn't,

I mean, you don't, you've never like put your vagina over a lawnmower, turn into a lawnmower upside down and squat over it. Like, like for you guys to bite down. I mean, I guess you could like bite down and like hurt us down there, but it's not the same as like really risking it.

Like putting your finger in like one of those plants that everyone used to have in the 90s. Oh, the Venus flytrap? Yeah, yeah. Where'd those all go? I bought one a couple weeks ago. No way! Really? Because I've always, I've never seen one in real life, but I was like, we, every year

we get fruit flies around our sink, and I was like, this is going to be, I'm just going to put it next to the sink, and it'll be, it died in two days. Oh no. It was like, faster than, it seemed possible to kill a plant. I killed it. Oh, wow. Well, I put my dick in it in fairness fairness yeah i mean i i helped i know why it died crushed it and kind of like you overextended it's yeah i you know that uh stretching sound

you heard in thinner it was a venus fly trap so when he hits her with the car uh-huh does the blowjob stop i don't remember i think he like zips up and then goes out and that's when he goes out to her and who is who is the passenger i think just some lady maybe i don't know is maybe it was his wife maybe did he was he married nice i think he was married well that's nice yeah a little like just on the way to work yeah yeah they still they still have it for each other which is yeah i think that i think that was cute yeah i do like stories of that but i maybe she was a prostitute. I don't really know.

Because he was really, really fat and his life was like hell. And all he wanted to do was lose weight. So this was supposed to be some gift he got at first. And it was. And so maybe it was just a prostitute because it was like, oh, that's the only blowjob he can get because he's so fat. And then they were trying. But maybe. And then maybe then she became his wife.

He was thin enough to be lovable. And then he got married and then they got married and then he lost her again. Cause he got too thin. I feel like that's what happens to a lot of people when they lose a lot of weight quickly, they go too far down the dial before they settle on kind of like a medium yes look because it's hard to stop because you just get on this train and you're like and you think and all we've been taught all our lives is like lose weight lose weight so when

you finally figure out how to do it you're like oh well then you just do this forever you don't think of going and you think if you go back it'll all come back like yeah just hit the right person with your car and you'll that's how you lose it yeah yeah medium so at the end of the movie does he have to does he have to hit someone else with a car to fix it or i don't remember i think we just mainly didn't get past that blowjob scene i don't know anything else that happened but i do remember being just fascinated by it we would rent that and like bigfoot sightings documentaries oh yeah that was something that you were drawn towards as a youth loved bigfoot loved ufos really believed in ufos to the point of like losing a lot of sleep to ufos like how do you feel about the government saying that they have footage and stuff of ufos i mean i don't know that they i mean it scares me

now but it's so out of my control i feel like as a kid i just didn't understand that i couldn't control things and so i felt like so much more um just terrified constantly because i was like what am i gonna do and now i'm just like okay if there's aliens and there are i think it's very exciting um yeah right like what did they what did they they they actually showed the footage right of like guys in jet in like just explain it please i can't talk science they basically it was yeah mostly fighter jets that then saw something that didn't move like a jet but could only be a jet at that altitude right and so you know it's like a either like a disc like

uh shape thing but something that they couldn't tell what it was and the government doesn't know what it is either but they know it's not the first time they've admitted it ever yeah dude yeah and did that was that just like overshadowed by other news or like why didn't yeah because it was like nothing it didn't make a dent at all no it was the guy one of the guys from blink 182 his yeah his uh foundation or whatever was one of the people who spotted one of these things and it's just like everything's been so crazy that ufos being substantiated that barely got anything yeah yeah that's like in the arts and entertainment section of usa today next to the sudoku yeah like why things are just like happening and no one's you can't pay attention to all of it. But I love that UFOs are real.

And it's like, it's undeniable. They're like, they've been documented. Sasquatch, I don't know. He's never really been seen. No. I don't know about that. I wanted to believe. I was obsessed with Bigfoot as well.

Yeah. And what do you feel about that? Well, because we're up in Canada, there's a lot more woods that nobody ever goes in. You know, like there's a bunch of like basically beyond where our city is. It's all trees. Aside from little tiny towns. So I think that something could live in there and never be found because I'm not going in there.

And I don't know anybody else who's going in there. So, yeah. Why wouldn't Bigfoot, like unless Bigfoot was hiding from something why wouldn't he accidentally like stumble out occasionally you know like he would have to be in on this too and like running he would have to be like a fugitive to have eluded being trapped just is there just one of him oh i don't know i've only uh like you know i've seen that one film whatever the yeah yeah and that's so hot i love i like the vibe yeah yeah it's like a hot guy vibe by the way he's got a good walk i'm kind of might be turned on by that it's like mysterious

he doesn't need you yes absolutely he's so cool wow and all at once across a crowded quarry you see the way that i don't know i always make everything a counting crow song along december there's like that moment where you yeah yeah that's what that song is about you're right bigfoot is hot he is hot like he's at least whoever was posing as him had a good um build and a good good gate yeah a good a definite good gate but what about um okay so there's big ghosts okay ghosts i what's your ruling on ghosts if you had to make a ruling if i had to make a ruling I would say that there's some things we humans can't perceive. It's just out of our range of sight or hearing or whatever.

And I think that's, you know, occasionally we catch a thing and we can't explain it to where like, that's a ghost. Or does our brain interpret it as a person? Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And our brain doesn't, can't make sense of it. Did you, did you, when you were younger, did you ever listen to art bell no oh he ran this he had this uh uh radio show for years like this call-in radio show from like a bunker in new mexico or something whoa my god that bunker's coming in handy right now well he's dead okay well god he was buried a descendant of art bell or a next of kin and and find them i'm looking for a dude with a bunker

i think in new mexico it's pretty bunker heavy oh yeah that's a good point okay continue art bell um but yeah it was it was but like my mom would listen just because it was on the same station that had like it was the only talk radio station and then at night it would just be like daytime it's dr laura and at nighttime it's art bell uh and people would just call in and be like yeah yeah hey art uh so about this and like they would mention some specific like alien sighting and he would know it like oh yeah that one actually has been you know uh i had some questions about that one too and yeah it was but it was every night hours and hours of just it was just like loved that just howard stern for aliens yeah love line for asking advice love it yeah just

asking alien advice yeah should I believe in this story? Ghosts though, like, I don't know. I want to believe, I wish they were a thing. There's parts of me that sometimes I've been so like lonely on the road. And even during this pandemic, like I'm being at my parents' house,

like just wanting it, my room to be haunted. So I have like someone to hang out. Like there's someone there. I've honestly felt that feeling of like oh that'd be cool if someone were here yeah yeah um but i don't know that i i'm just not one of the people that can see it i had a couple uh like i i i have video games but i don't play video games ever and then but just the last couple weeks i've just been like well maybe i'll

i'll crack into some video games and sure i don't have a ton of free time so i'll do it like after i put the kids to bed at like 10 o'clock and then one night a few days ago i stayed up till three in the morning and i had and i was like the lights were still on in the house i had to go around turning off the lights and i was so afraid that i was gonna just like see a spooky face in the window yeah i was so spooked out it stays with you forever yeah like the idea of like going out if you're out and you get home at three in the morning it's not you're not scared of ghosts but if you've been inside all day and it's three in the morning suddenly yeah yes yeah yeah seeing a face at the window yeah just like i don't know i honestly would be like psyched to see a ghost i would feel like oh i crossed over i can see them now like this is

cool and then like i there i was just so scared of ghosts growing up that i just one day had to be like they don't exist because if they do then everything everything is scary. They're always everywhere. Then it's just, they're always around. So I just kind of convinced myself I didn't believe. And now I think that people can see stuff, and I don't know if it's like people or whatever, but I just know that I'm not one of those people, and I'm actually pretty glad that I can't.

So I think they're all around me, I just can't see them. There's a hotel in Banfff which is in a national park here and uh it's a very nice old hotel and they say that it's haunted by a guy who used to be a bell man there and everybody that works there has seen him so either either it's group think that's getting away from everybody or there's something weird going on there yeah but i don't i don't know i've when people die i definitely believe like you could still talk to them and that it's helpful There's something weird going on there. Yeah. But I don't, I don't know. I've when people die, I definitely believe like you can still talk to them and that it's helpful,

but like them, I'm just creeped out. If like my dad dies, I know that's just such a, almost cliche, like thing to be like, I don't want to ghost to like, see me naked and stuff.

That's a cliche. Yeah. Ghosts have already seen you naked. Like I don't want ghosts worried about that yeah i don't know like your grandma shouldn't always be with you oh that ghost oh okay yeah like like i don't my grandma seeing me masturbate like i don't want ghosts i don't want ghosts being all ever present i'm not worried about some like you know old-timey prospector seeing me naked though yeah like i don't care he can eat it up yeah yeah he didn't get a lot of it back when he was living uh and yeah so yeah that almost turns

me on that there are like ghosts that are like turned on but like i don't want like a family ghost walking in on the wrong moment with me yeah but if that's the one great thing about being a ghost is you you don't necessarily have to watch your own relatives masturbate but you can watch a lot of people masturbate yeah i can't wait yeah it's gonna be rad so where are they watching them like do they i guess is are does heaven exist or are they just like traveling around they can't like change channels no people they have to go they have to go into the corner yeah they have to physically go to this way yeah they have to go to the house and they can't see it from above they have to go into the room where it's happening can they go above can they fly yeah they can fly okay

if i'm a ghost though i'm gonna be on my phone a lot still like i just gotta be honest i don't know that i'll need there's porn like i just feel like i could just look up stuff your phone has to die at the same time you die because otherwise no phone oh yeah that's a good point i hope my phone goes with me their hand like goes through a doorknob they can't turn a doorknob you think they can push a push an app oh yeah they can't yeah they're too cold i don't know i don't know so like sometimes i guess their clothes become ghosts as well yeah you always gotta die in whatever you were you died doing you have to wear that the rest

of your life i think is the rule or it's or your wedding dress i think you have to always wear that or if you were in a an army you have to wear that yeah that's the ghost rule these are the ghost rules i just want to like hope i'm cozy as a ghost i hope i get to wear athleisure as a ghost yeah yeah yeah yeah and then that would suck to always be adjusting stuff always be in the most uncomfortable like poor ghosts from before you know i don't know it's been uncomfortable clothing up until recently did you guys know that like athleisure is like a new technology like stretchy comfortable fabric i thought that was like always around and people chose not to use it or something but now that there's that fabric there's really like no

reason to ever be uncomfortable like yeah everything was so uncomfortable even as like you know the 80s things were like tight and like not as cozy is any of this resonating do you agree because the people like up until the 80s like workout stuff was either made out of polyester which didn't breathe yes and there was also shoes with no structure to them like people played basketball in converse chucks yeah yeah yeah yeah chucks kill my feet breaking chucks like, just rip apart my feet. They're so tight. They're so weird.

Shoes are so comfortable now. Clothing is so comfortable. Yeah. Thank God. No, this is absolutely, because, like, we used to have these Canadian commercials that were about great moments in our history. And there was one about the invention of basketball, and all the guys are wearing wool pants playing basketball oh my god they like took off their you know their their jackets overcoats yeah and they're playing in suspenders and yeah but like what i don't remember the sound of the shoes were they just like i'm sure they were just like leather bottom hush puppies or whatever

yeah i mean not so long ago things were uncomfortable and ugly looking and um but like even i don't know after this whole thing wearing jeans i know everyone's making the jeans joke just as much as they're making the ghosts watch you jerk off oh it's so cliche so cliche but like jeans are i mean i'll wear them i'm not gonna give them up and i think they're like a solid thing to put on when you go out in public but i don't know i this has been a really nice departure from that like wearing fitted shirts yeah and women have more choices pants pants wise so guys only have maybe corduroy and jeans i feel like those are our two and like dress up pants yeah dress up pants yeah jeans are as comfortable as you can really get in

public yeah there's um it's bullshit there's a like we have this sort of movement in a march or april one day a year they do they've always done this thing here where it's like you can wear your jeans to work and wear like pay five dollars for this pin and you support whatever charity and it's just like well that maybe worked 25 years ago but people wear whatever they want everywhere they go now yeah you got to adjust that now that is so in the free like that that is something to celebrate or that that's a cool fun thing that makes days different is that you get to wear jeans is that's so sad to me yeah i actually went on a walk with some um guy from my high school because i'm back in like my you know uh childhood neighborhood and i went on a walk with a guy from my school i haven't seen him since literally freshman year i think was the last time we talked of

of high school and uh and i was like so how's life and he was like yeah it's good i was like how's he's talking about work and he was like yeah right before work like ended and we all had to work from home like it was pretty cool they just had like we could wear jeans on friday and he was like that so that's where it was like that that's literally he was like that's such a sad we both like just like that was the saddest thing i'd like that would be an announcement or something anyone would celebrate what is wrong with that just made me broke my heart i think all this like going to the office and doing this charade of acting like anyone. I just, one of my,

I've talked about it all the time, but one of my favorite scenes in that, like, um, what's that show that everyone was watching succession where, um, Macaulay Culkin's or a Kieran Culkin's care, whatever the one of the Culkin bro,

uh, is talking to people like at the office. And he's just like, there's all, he's looking at all these people in suits and he's like, I'm in a suit. And then he just mocks them and all he has to say is, I'm in a suit and go like,

and it's just like broke through. It's so stupid. Why does anyone wear a suit? It does look cool and it makes me respect you more and makes me trust you with my money. So maybe there's something in that. But it's all bullshit. You know, like for a while I was running and I wore like you with my money so maybe there's something in that like yeah but like it's all bullshit you know

like for a while i was running and i wore like runner's pants basically tights and i love i loved it i loved it were they so comfortable they were so comfortable and i was like if this was an option all the time to just walk around and hang out in tights, I would do it. But sadly, it is off the table. And it's just cheap. Because you have a penis. Yeah, exactly. That's what it comes down to. Boys have penises and we can't be seeing that thing.

So I think that I don't want to see it through fabric. I don't like it. I feel unsafe. I don't want to see the outline of your penis. No, no, nobody does. That's the problem. And you don't really, most guys don't want that to be seen anyway. So you just don't get to it's not fair to you i'm sorry that you have penises and you can't wear comfy pants what if people were wearing cod pieces what if everybody was

wearing tights but they had something that was covering it's distracting still even if it's like a uniform size it's still still going to draw the eye. When you were running, Graham, were you wearing shorts over top of the tights? I would wear shorts, really short shorts in the summer. And then, no, just straight up tights. Oh, wow. I think guys should be able to wear short shorts again. I know that that was like a fashion in like the 80s, a little bit into the 90s.

Yes. Baby, I never stopped. Yeah. in like the 80s a little bit into the 90s yes baby i never stopped yeah my dad once said i had dancer's legs and i've never stopped wearing short shorts i i hope that's true i don't know any man that wears short shorts but it was what everyone did back then like not so long ago and it will come back all of these things will are on a cycle you know like all fashion it's just there's nothing new there just isn't i would i would wear short shorts and i would hang out with my friend the policeman uh the navy guy the biker god that's when policemen we like that he was fun essential component of that uh diverse group yeah but the short shorts the like for women it's eyebrows and jeans like jeans oh i how do you guys feel

about the trend of women's jeans in becoming a high-waisted uh like you know mom gene type thing i know many men are not like that keen on it i think knowing the alternative is hip huggers yeah like women i think in general that i've talked to like the higher gene we do that opposed to the lower so then i feel like if you're enjoying it it doesn't bother me so enjoy your jeans thank you thank you graham yeah yeah graham women you heard it here first you don't you no longer have to feel shame about how you dress graham has given you the stamp of approval i really truly appreciate that because men seem to be so furious over high-waisted jeans and they do they do feel better they can give you like a wedgie up the front a little bit if they're in they have to fit perfectly but they

just look so much better and um but but they're they're not going to stay around forever they've been around for about five years now and they're getting old they're getting old it's not going to look cool anymore it's just i remember i think it was sarah silverman had a tweet a few years ago that said uh if you think you look good in high-waisted pants you are high and wasted yes yes i used to have that joke um yeah i used to have the same joke too god damn it i was on stage and i was saying i'm wearing my high-waisted pants because i'm one at least one of those words right now and And it would take much longer. And then some girl would say, oh, and then I'd call her a cunt.

And everyone would be over. But are you a fan of the high waisted jean? I love a high waisted jean. I just feel so snug and cozy in them. And I get. Yeah, I just I love them. And they look cute and they just fit my body as a woman with a flat ass. Um,

it, it just is. It fits my body. Although the hip hugger thing was cool. Like I did like that in the two thousands, like showing your sweet little belly. Like that was kind of fun, but I,

but I'm 36. Like I, if hip huggers come back i gotta just stay with mom jeans i can't you gotta start wearing a suit i really i wonder where that happens women's hair like slowly as you age you get your hair gets shorter and shorter and then you start wearing uh pantsuits so yes yes dressing like michael jordan at a press conference yeah i don't know i just watched the last dance i'm still obsessed so are we oh really i'm watching i thought we would go one week without mentioning it but no we couldn't no oh not with me i'm so i'll give get any opportunity to talk about it um i'm still i've watched every episode twice

i've like been savoring them oh wow and i'm going to watch 30 for 30 Michael Rides the Bus. It's called something like that, but it's about his... Jordan Rides the Bus. Jordan Rides the Bus. Baseball time. Oh, is it good? I can't wait to get into the baseball thing. I was fascinated by it.

Who is your favorite minor character in The Last Dance? Great question. Okay, let me think about that. We all know mine is Kenny Lattimore. I mean, you're gonna go fucking steve kerr uh what an amazing comedic appearance at that uh like rat not rally but protest what were they doing as they gathered in a group they were protesting their championship party i don't know how to really interpret groups of people anymore without relating it to a COVID thing.

But yeah, his line about, you know, he was just, I thought he was great. And I liked his commentary the whole time. I was like, this guy's cool.

And I'm watching this as someone who doesn't know anything about anything. So I was like, I like that guy. He sounds, but I got, you know, Phil Jackson,

he was an essential piece of the uh documentary as well as the entire storyline what about you like the guy that the security guard who was flipping the yeah with him that's absolutely that's the answer yeah the only answer he was the best and he didn't know that he was changing history by playing that game on camera he was amazing and what is that game you're trying to get the coin is close to the wall without touching the wall no i think you no yeah you can't touch the wall okay yeah yeah my dad claimed because i'm watching it with my parents and uh my dad claimed he played that game a lot as a kid and i was like that seems like a pretty like how have i never heard of that

game it seems pretty fun they really sold it to me yeah it. It's a pretty, it seems like a pretty obsessive gambling thing to do. Like Jordan has to constantly have a competition going at all times. I mean, I really was fascinated by the psychology of the whole like thing and how he would make up enemies and how he, but the thing about Jordan and I, cause I would love to read more and figure out how he achieved some of the things he did like what mental like shit he did because he seemed

overall pretty happy like he didn't i know we don't ever get to see him behind closed doors and he's very controlling of his image so we only see what he wants us to see but he seems pretty happy to be someone who's worked so hard because generally i work really hard but i think i'm working in like the wrong ways like they're not making me as happy maybe but also like this is the thing when i was watching the documentary because i feel like in every at least in every athlete's life somebody tells them this is what you like either it's a dad or a coach or a mom or somebody kind of sits the kid down and says like, you're good at this.

Do that. Yes. And then, then they just keep doing that and they're really good at it. Yes. And then I feel like everybody else has never had that talk with their parents. And so we're all just lost in the world.

I cannot even believe you're saying this right now. Like this is like insane because I legit just had this talk with my mom last night. And about really, well, well, essentially in my special on Netflix and I talk about how blowjobs and I hate to bring it back to blowjobs. But no, I'm happy you did. I pretty much give the advice. This is what you're good at. Talking about blowjobs. Bringing it back to blowjobs uh

i say that like guys when the first time you get a blowjob from a girl just tell her she's it's the best that she's like special and that she has like an amazing talent and then she'll do whether or not she's good she'll do it over and over because you encouraged her you need and then i kind of feed it into like you need one person to believe in you and like just say you're like yes and that's that's the reason I do comedy. It's like the reason I've done anything in my life is someone was like, you're exceptionally good at this. And it's just,

they might've been lying or just seen a good show or whatever, but you need that. And my mom was watching Michelle Obama's new Netflix show, or I don't even know what it is, but she was like saying like, it's she, you know, Michelle Obama's like inspiring these little girls and telling them that they can be anything and like really individually

like holding them and being like you can do it and i mean my mom was like no one ever did that for me not my mom like there was no teacher there was i really could have been something like i really feel like i could have been like uh really like a an high earning executive like she started like projecting this life and i'm like, okay, you made me. You did a good job. I believe in you. But it broke my heart because I was like, you're right. You need that.

I wish I could volunteer as someone who just goes and looks for talent and tells a kid, listen to me. I think you could change the course of history by just even falsely giving kids confidence in a thing that they show a little bit of aptitude towards totally it's like i think you're looking for that even as you uh graduate out of childhood yeah you're like a teenager

wearing shorts based on my dad saying i had dancer's legs yes it's so true like can you guys remember what um like spurred you like who could you can can you even like attribute it to like maybe one comment about like going into comedy or that got you guys to do it and to think you were better or did you just like it was like no it was like school it was like laughing at like making people laugh at school it was like, no, it was like school. It was like laughing at like making people laugh at school. It was like, right, right. Pretty clear. Like, yeah, these other kids don't got it. Yeah.

Well, it's like that. I forgot about that. And I also had I had a teacher. I think I would have been probably 15 at the time, maybe 14. I would have been probably 15 at the time, maybe 14. And he said, he said,

like, we don't really have a class clown, but we have a class comedian. And that's Graham. And that, that really triggered something in my brain where I was like, more of that for the rest of my life. Yes. And like,

okay, good. I have some direction here. Like a comedian's like a job. Like that's, that's yeah. That's something I'm good at. What can I do with that?

And then you probably were just paying a little bit more attention to like how to do that after that. Yeah. And when was it for you? It was, you know, um, the first like thing,

cause I wasn't good at anything. And that's the thing is if I would have, as a child, I just wasn't exceptional at anything, trying sports and all that. And I felt like so bad, like I really wanted to be good at something. And I was just like,

fuck. And then I think it was, um, like my senior year of high school, my, I did a play and I never got any of the roles in the plays. Like I would always just get like Jewish townsperson B like in the diary of Anne Frank.

And I thought I was up for like Anne Frank and it's the actual role i got and then but this actor this character also kept a diary yeah you can definitely keep one if you want and i was like okay um yeah i got to hold a book as i walked from stage left to stage right during the third act i get to hold a diary um but i just so i just got cast in some like comedy thing that the comedy play they were doing that was just kind of like let's give the kids who don't get in the real play like the stage production this black box show you know you do like they did black box shows and um and i just uh i got to play like a drunk woman and i was really good at it even though i've never i had never been drunk in um and i just uh i got to play like a drunk woman and i was really good at it even though i've never i had never been drunk in my life i just like acted like my mom i just did an

impression of my mom because she's the only person that i was like i know she is drunk when she talks like that so i just did that and then i think my the drama teacher who i'd been looking for his fucking approval since sixth seventh grade because he was my teacher from seventh grade all until my senior year. He was like, you have like exceptional comedic timing. And I was just like, okay, comedic timing.

Like, what do you do with that? And then I just was then, and I was already obsessed with like Conan and like comedy. Like I was obsessed with comedy, but I'd never connected it. And then, but then it wasn't until,

um, just like, uh, freshman year of, uh, college and having like friends there be like you need to be a comedian and like they said it enough and i'm like oh good like anything like just i'll yeah i want some fucking direction but i'll take any track yeah but i was still like a child like i was a kid like when i chose comedy i don't know what i was choosing i could have really picked anything that's so weird that we make like life's decisions for the rest of our lives and what we're into when your brain

is still like forming yeah no one should have been allowed to make any like decisions no before like 2008 yeah 2008. Yeah. Totally. I wonder if I, yeah, I do sometimes feel like a, like I really, I've been around for a really long time and I feel like it started as like a young standup and now I'm like, Oh,

I'm 36. That's like a, I'm like, Oh, like I've been around and it's just like, Oh, do I want to even do this anymore? And the answer is yes.

Cause it's like all I know how to do. Um, and, and I really did get to answer that. Like, do you like Dave, do you don't do stand up? Do you? No, no. But but Graham, have you felt since the pandemic like like were you like craving doing stand up? Are you like dying to take on the stage? And like, how did you process it?

I miss it, but i'm not dying for it it's uh like it's when it comes back it comes back um but in the meantime i haven't been like itching for it i've just been like making notes of things that might be jokes someday and just like just just waiting this out you know like? Like, I'm just going to chill out. I'm not going to run back at the first show that opens up. You know, talking to some microphone that eight other people have talked into. Right. Oh, it's going to be BYO microphone.

I hope so. I hope it's like, you know, like pool players that have their own cue. Yeah. You'll pull it out of a case and screw it together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Oh my God, we're all going to have

little microphone bandoliers with a little, just tackle for it as we walk in. That'll be the new... Like John Popper with his... With his harmonicas. Harmonicas.

Yes. We're doing kind of a nasty boys show tonight. I use this one yeah yeah like a more rusted mic these jokes um yeah the last time i was on stage i licked i licked a mic accidentally you know sometimes you just like are in a joke and you're like and like i touched my and it was at the comedy store like march 13th or something like that like it was like yeah right when you shouldn't have been doing stand-up still almost where it was like what am i doing here and i accidentally that was my last show yeah it was march 13th yeah isn't that crazy i just i feel

i felt like you like oh i'll write some stuff down i'm not itching to get back out i really needed a break from it because it was just something i don't know how often you do it but i i just compulsively did it every night because i don't have any friends outside of that i don't what else would i fucking do you know and so um i but then i when i moved back home to st louis i was like not really i could hang out and watch tv with my parents like there's other stuff to do at night besides stand up like you can relax at night and i work all day anyway like totally i try to stay busy during the day i think that doing stand-up every night was something I did when I was young and I didn't really work all day and like now I'm like oh I want to enjoy my nights I wanted to stand up every goddamn night so

I didn't miss it at all and just now I'm starting to get offers and I'm like like thinking about the fun that is around the stand-up like the stand-up itself great like I love putting ideas out there love getting the feedback i'm over it though it doesn't give me the hot like i'm glad to do it and i enjoy shows but it's like new like feeling the the rush after a new joke but also being done and then hanging out in the green room like i miss that shit and i'll be looking forward to that but i don't even know how much hanging out is gonna happen after show yeah yeah that's true right now probably not a ton you know yeah it's my guess i like hugging people as i walk on stage and like dancing and like all the things that are like i don't know it's just there's gonna be no dancing no dancing okay yeah that's

i just have to world becomes footloose because of all the the microbes yeah the the dancing causes more um droplets and the dancing does at least oh yeah very droplet heavy dancing i actually was dancing at the at like i was just on a my first theater tour which is so hilarious because so i did clubs for years and then the i've been popular enough to garner and you know enough ticket sales to go into theaters it was so great and i had this whole tour booked and it got interrupted i really didn't care everyone's like we're so sorry about your tour and i'm just like whatever i was happy to even do it like you make so much money in theaters. It's like almost criminal.

And I just felt weird about it anyway. And it was very exhausting. So I wasn't, and there'll be back. It's fine. Yeah. But it was funny. Cause like one of my ex boyfriend,

who's like a friend of mine sent me these, like this huge banner. When I did my first theater, that was like, like buy clubs. Thanks for playing. Or just something about like, won't ever be back in clubs.

And I remember even at the time being like i even said then like yes i will be back in clubs because i remember when carlos mencia left the clubs and then went to theaters and then i remembered when i started seeing him at the clubs again on the on the tray table like little displays so like no one's gone you don't ever think you're too good for fucking clubs. So, but I didn't think I'd be back at the clubs by this summer. And I am, but it's fine. I miss the clubs.

I love the clubs. There was no part of me that was like, fuck you clubs. Like they're fun. I don't care who I perform for, but it is. Um, but,

but what I was going to say is on my theater tour, I was finishing with, because it felt like a big, everyone was like, this is your theater tour. And it's just like, it's not just some dates that you put a title on like people if you're listening and you're a fan of comedy and like tours like tours aren't any they're ghosts okay there's you can see them like that if you want to see them like that they might exist yeah they're not a thing might exist

yeah they do the theaters aren't they're not talking to each other they're not like okay so nikki was just in kansas city so we definitely gotta outdo them yes theaters are we're number eight on the tour our tours are just a bunch of dates yeah that you just decide to name name them something in a group so it doesn't really mean anything it's not really a tour unless you have a t-shirt that has all the cities on the back. I know. That's what it feels like. And people are always like, are you on a tour?

And I'm like, you know, back before this tour, which is the only tour I've ever been on. It's like, yeah, but it's been going on for 15 years. Like this isn't, it's just one into the next. But I was like, okay, this is special. I'll do something different. And I decided to close it with a dance a dance because i just like i love dancing and i just didn't like dancing for so long in my life and now i'm like it's so fun and i even like people doing like shitty synchronized dances and like i realized when it's something that i was like oh i even like this like i'm no dancer but

it's just a fun thing to end the show with and And it turned into this, I like, I got, I hired my friend to do the choreography. I sang. Oh my God, you actually got a choreographer? Yeah, and we went and me and Andrew, my opener, Andrew Collin, and my other opener, Anya Marina, who Anya Marina is a singer songwriter. She would do like three songs.

One of which was the song that we would dance to later, a cover of the song that we danced to later. It was just a Taylor Swift song that I'm kind of inspired my act. And then Andrew would come out and then I would do my act. And then I was like more excited about that dance than any joke I've written anything like just, it would be approaching at the end. And then we'd all come out on stage and do this less than a minute dance,

but it was so much fun. And I'm just like, I have to, I have to dance now. Like I have to figure out a way to make it work at the clubs and like a smaller stage because it's so fun to like i was just kind of searching for anything to feel alive in a stand-up act again because it's just yeah after a while you're just like okay jokes i need something special and dancing is you could be the dancing comic that could be your whole every set she gets up there

she tries a new dance i think i literally might do that i just can't help it it's too fun and i have no right to be doing it because i'm a terrible dancer but it just it makes me feel so good it's like all i want to do i'm a terrible dancer too but i got those legs yeah you gotta show off those legs i can't not do you guys ever dance? Have you ever like, do you, Graham, you seem like a dancer. I love it. I love it.

I, last year I did a tour of fringe festivals and at one point in the fringe show, I did the exact dance from back streets back. Uh, like I learned it off of the computer. Okay. So, you know,

exactly what I'm talking to a dance a pop like a late 90s pop style dance yeah yeah what is what is that dance i don't even remember i mean i remember bye bye bye there's definitely this yeah they do this is part of it okay this looking over there's one part where bryant where b rock b Luttrell screws up in the video. Oh, really? Yeah, there's one shot where there's a big group scene and he screws up. I guess you didn't watch that closely. No, but if you go on YouTube, there's tutorials and they're like, first you do this step, then you do this thing.

So you learned it pretty easily? Yeah. Yeah, like you could learn it in a couple days. Have you guys heard to learn any tiktok dances no i like the one where people are going like in a line of people yeah yeah that was fun this thing were they that's fun oh yeah yeah like the whole family can get involved yes dances are fun it's hard to learn them but they are really satisfying so yeah you put a dance in your act. You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's so fun.

Yeah. It's great. And it's like the whole time you don't have to think about what you're saying. You're just like focused on this step, that step, this step. Yeah.

And yeah. And it's fun. And also people are always impressed when you dance, even if you dance badly. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. That's a good point.

They weren't, I did dancing with the stars and they, that was like the most challenging thing that i've ever done in my life and that was learning like a whole dance and never having danced ever and i didn't even know if i could learn a dance like that's how uh much how i was going into it and that taught me that like oh anyone can dance i used to just think it was like this thing that like only good naturally good dancers get to do but like if you work hard enough at something you can get like kind of basically okay at it and it's still yeah have some like you know worth as like as art like even if you're bad at it yeah i don't know i just always feel like i shouldn't even learn to play piano because i'm never gonna be the best so why do it like do you ever like i'm trying to really learn how to do certain things with drawing uh because i always like

doodling i always like drawing but i never was naturally good at it but it's something if you practice you do get better yeah it's like practice works or some shit it's you just want to be natural which brings you back to jordan i mean that guy was not he had to work yeah yeah he practiced i always think that he just was or that these guys just are and it's like no it takes so much work um should we move on to some overheards here yeah okay overheard overheards a segment in which uh you hear things maybe see things out there in the world that's me clearing the way for my thing that i saw yeah uh and then you report it here to the podcast and we usually start with the guest but nikki you

you've been housebound you who you got what are you gonna overhear i was trying to think of anything i overheard on a zoom call or like kids in the background or i even asked my mom earlier i go mom you've been out a little bit more than me is there anything over you've overheard that's been funny i since i've been asked to this show i i've gone on some runs so i've tried to listen to people next to me like when i pass by them but you just you can't get too close you know no it's just it's it's been harder i'm sorry i'm gonna try to think of something i maybe saw i didn't know that was open for oh yes yeah absolutely everything's in play okay but we'll start with dave Yes. Okay. So mine is definitely something I saw. We're in the winter of overheard.

There's no hearing anyone. So yeah, this is something I saw at the bottom of a news article where they have all the clickbait headlines. And there were just four clickbait headlines. And I'm going to read all four of them to you. Okay. And they're just not they're just not even trying. Number one, Billie Eilish's transformation

is seriously turning heads. Okay. All right. Number two, Courtney Cox's transformation is seriously turning heads. Yes. Number three, Willow Smith's transformation is seriously turning heads. Yes. Number three, Willow Smith's transformation is seriously turning heads.

Nice. And then number four, celeb couples whose age gaps are almost grossly inappropriate. Oh, nice. That's the one I would have clicked on. Yeah, that was a picture of David Schwimmer and someone.

That doesn't look gross to me at all no they're cute what's the word they used grossly inappropriate yeah yeah that's and are they saying it's gross are they just saying like whoa i don't know but i think they're jealous that's what i think they should have said that it's seriously turning heads um, but I do want to say that maybe Courtney Cox, that is, they meant literally turning heads because her face had to be turned on her own face to make it new. So it was like,

it's, it's turning heads. That's what they call the, the procedures. We're going to give you the old turning head. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, just like, I i guess they just the algorithm just thinks well

people will click on this if they know it's serious if they know we're serious about how head turning it yes yeah yeah and i gotta say that's like very interesting that proves to us that that phrase is like been proven to get humans attention by robots and yes it actually does like when i see when i hear that you're like i want to know why my head should be turned yeah yeah but all those clickbait articles are so unsatisfying because they they'll like show you 15 other things before you even get to what you wanted to click on yeah so i end up just like googling it in another tab yeah and then there's clickbait there and so it goes forever yeah but they usually aren't even like a thing they're usually like not even answered or it's like completely false like

it's just yeah yeah a computer wrote it it's a bot made it yeah and put together the picture thing it's like everything is made by something that's just slightly off yes yeah yeah yeah um uh i was gonna say something i forgot what i was gonna say but luckily i saw something out there in the world yeah it's a poster they were all over the poster poles in my neighborhood uh it's for a Star Wars lightsaber battle. So that's what the... I don't know if you can see the image, but Star Wars lightsaber battle. When? June 6th.

Where? Douglas Park. Why? Because fun. But isn't that like... I guess you wear like a Darth Vader mask. Everybody wears a Darth Vader mask everybody wears a Darth Vader mask and that's fine

the saber's about three yeah three and three exactly so like three and three you're safe maybe the only activity you can do that's right yeah I mean because fun yeah that really speaks to me

I'm gonna go guys I'm gonna go you gotta go i gotta go yeah well you gotta just go see who go and see who goes i will participate if i go if i go i'll just try to hold them back do you have your own saber no but these kids can't be that tough i think i could take one away but there's gonna be people like with lysol wipes wiping the handles on like lightsaber yeah yeah yeah that's this is all there's no way people are bringing extra sabers it's got to be a bring your own safe like it right yeah bring your own savers is this a thing and what do you do with them you just like duel you just do like fencing moves yeah do fencing yeah yeah is this a thing that

people do normally no not normally there's nothing normal about it no one not not not buying a post getting a poster made for it but people will you know they'll just do it yeah that's true like but they do it for like two 20 seconds and then they're like move on to the another game i'm not sure that this wasn't posted by a kid yeah okay the style of it is very kid writing. What are kids doing out having, you know, with a street team for their

play times? It's just like an enterprising kid. You know, it'll be a billionaire someday. Did you guys used to sell stuff as kids? I loved a good lemonade stand. Oh, yeah. We had like, yeah, I think i tried to sell a bunch of my toys once but like on our very quiet street that wasn't getting a lot of like uh walk by traffic yeah i used to do like used to mow lawns that was

my childhood i wouldn't mow my own lawn yeah did you like it was it easy it was easy it was easy as long as the lawnmower was also gas powered because once that cord got involved oh man i was worried i was gonna go right over the cord yeah yeah it's a it's a whole art i'd be scared to roll over a frog or something yes yeah yeah yeah that would be a complete fear of mine is like rolling over some kind of like animal yeah does that happen a lot i don't even want to know no i'd never happen to me loud but that's good what you do run over a hundred percent of the time is some kid's beloved toy yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah um now sometimes it's a frog that's right

now we also have overheard sent in from people around the world if you want to send one into us you can send it into spy at maximum fun.org and this first one comes from uh katherine in provo provo utah i was at one of those vintage boutique shops and in the shop they had a shelf of old glass bottles for sale there were a couple of women in their 20s looking at the shelf one of them said to the other if i know one thing about being a witch it's that you need a lot of glass bottles so somebody making a big decision for themselves yeah potions yeah becoming a wiccan like uh you know college students when they're getting books for the semester yeah i need this glass bottle they're always marked up at the store

yeah yeah you don't need this year's bottle bottle of witches a lot like ghosts I don't know I don't know if I believe I hope I hope

I hope someone I have a like we have this kids book called spooky house oh yeah

and it's a flat book and there's a witch you should not be reading that when you stay up late

that's right I know turn off all the lights I think we found the culprit on the page that's the kitchen there's a witch. You should not be reading that when you stay up late. That's right. I know. Turn off all the lights. I think we found the culprit. On the page that's the kitchen, there's a witch. And you like lift up a flap and all the gross stuff she's making. And there's like eyeball stew and like, you know, what's one of them?

Like bug bake. And then in one of the closets, i used to think it was the funniest part of the book because it was so lazy and it just said bat sandwich and it was just like two white two pieces of white bread with just a bat wing sticking out and that's how the coronavirus exactly you can't you can't even talk about it anymore that page has been banned uh this next one comes from matt r in rexford new york the other day my girlfriend was driving me and her children home from a trip to their school for a socially distanced parade sounds fun does it her nine-year-old daughter said from the back seat i smell flowers i wonder if it's

my shorts a slight pause followed by no my shorts smell like shorts so could she even reach them was she like going down to sniff her own short kids are flexible man they could she get a rib removed yeah i i wouldn't know what shorts smell like. Don't think I've ever smelled my own shorts. So I can almost like I agree. Like, I do feel like shorts just do smell like shorts. I feel like I could pick a short out. If I did like a blind smell test of all my clothing, I could smell a short.

You could smell a short. Well, now I could because i don't wear underwear anymore i haven't worn socks for three months and i love it i just don't care about underwear i wear all like athletic shorts because i'm always about to go on a run or like i want to go on a run tomorrow that's the next thing i'll wear and it's comfortable so i just always wear running clothes yeah i'm not wearing any underwear because i'm gonna go on a run tomorrow yeah and i don't wear underwear when i run because it like it's a you get a wedgie constantly so like yeah my shorts i they definitely smell like shorts yep well that's and that's a gift that you can pick out shorts in a in a blind smell thank you yeah i should look into a career

in that yeah just gave Somebody the push I needed, Graham. Yeah. You could be the Michael Jordan of short smelling. Okay. I can only hope to even just be a pippin, but okay. This last one comes from Christine.

I was walking to the grocery store in my neighborhood for some essentials. I had to detour around a kid about 10 years old. Wait, can I just stop once again? All of these have to, like, everyone's kind of, like, making a reason why they're out and about. They're like, socially disembarayed. I was getting essentials. You can be out. It's okay.

Yeah. I live in a place where no one pays attention to the rules yeah yeah people are just like oh i was i was out because i had to stop by the hospital to drop off some hot meals oh what a hero no your listeners are sweet okay so what did this what this lady here or this uh this is a kid singing in the tune of old town road he's written his own lyrics for it and it's really the type of lyrics a kid would write i'm gonna take my butt to the toilet seat and then he had passed by so that's pretty good that that kid's the next weirdo yankovic yeah wow yeah that kid rules that kid does rule my dad does a cover of that song

um he plays guitar at like local businesses and nursing homes oh wow yeah and he he's like a cover musician and like does you know bob dylan and like crosby still, Nash and Young and the Beatles. And then also Lil Nas. That's amazing. So awesome. He just put on a song. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah. I went and sang with him the other night.

I'm like just trying to do anything to get attention on a stage. He had a gig and I was like jealous. And so I learned how to sing a song with him. And then I sang on stage and it wasn't good. People were like, like, I'm used to like getting like wow that was great afterwards i didn't hear much of that like i know what it's like to go do a good job performing yeah singing's not really my thing i don't think you're more of a dancer yeah that's true now in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1. Like these people have. Hey, boys. I was sitting in the park the other day, and there were two 10-year-old girls riding their bikes,

and their dads were following them maybe 30 40 feet behind and i overheard the one girl say to the one you know the boys we're leaving them in our dust they're dust boys bye i love you we love you too yeah so she called them dust boys because yeah they're dust boys yeah because they're being left in our dust that's the new me too movement dust boys yeah we call them all dust boys yes see you later dust boys yeah bye dust boys yeah that's so cute gosh how many overheards are just kids being freaking cute as shit 90 of them these days i mean i was thinking about like when i was trying to think of one i spent some time with my niece and nephew and i was trying to think of stuff they said because they said so much cute stuff and then i was thinking

i bet i can't think of a big i can't bring in a kid thing because that's too easy but apparently that's it's it's loud par for the course. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, good, good. Here's your next one. Hey, Graham and Dave. This is Chris from Los Angeles with an overheard. My partner and I were getting dinner at a restaurant and, well, not at the restaurant, at a park bench near a restaurant. And there was a mom and her toddler who had gotten food there too. And the toddler had walked up to an anthill

that was behind us that was filled with ants and the mom came over to him and before she could say anything he just said to her go back inside thanks hope you're doing okay I need to be alone with these ants yeah I'm hanging out with ants

mom leave me alone go back inside I mean like that kid's dying to get away from his mom he's been living like he isn't doesn't get to go to daycare or wherever he was going before yeah there's no bugs in his house that he likes yeah there's no infestations at home my three-year-old has started just saying, she won't say go away. She says, don't be here. Oh,

I love that. And she'll be walking. She'll just walk into a room where I'm already there. Don't be here. You should tell her to throw on a dust boy at the end of that. Yeah. Don't be here. Dust boy. Dave,

you just got dust boys. Oh, yeah, you really did. Then here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave, Graham, and Jess. It's Jerome calling. I've got an overheard from Vancouver.

I was walking down Sunset Beach trying my best to be social distance, and me and my fiance were watching heron because she loves herons. And there's this heron that catches a fish and eats it, you know, pretty little fish. I just overheard this woman say, could you imagine living off of one fish a day?

Wow. Hilarious. Yeah, I guess, yeah, I could. I could too, I think. But also, the Heron, you're just seeing it for a second. Like it's doing this all day. Yeah.

Yeah. One job. That's right. Not like the Heron catches one fish and is like, all right, it's time to go. He's actually on a diet. He cut down to one fish a day and it is like hard to get through that day.

So that woman is clearly on a diet and just like being like,'s reflecting she's projecting in some way i hate to psychoanalyze that woman that's probably she's probably like oh i could never do that and it's like that's what i get so confused by people like they that's just like showing a lack of empathy because which is not her fault but it's just like you can't imagine that something is different like they can't imagine any world in which they would eat one fish a day and that's what they my dad does that all the time where he'll be like well i would never do that and i go well you're not a black teenager who grew up in poverty like that's a bad example because he's not racist but like he'll say something like that where it's like well you're not a child of uh who lives in south

america like it's just right because he wouldn't and it's just well you're not a child of uh who lives in south america like it's just right because he wouldn't and it's just people always do that and they even do it with with animals that's so funny well i would never win six nba championships yeah yeah oh man well that brings us to the end uh the end of our podcast here. Nikki, thank you so much for being a guest. Thank you so much for having me. I had such a good time. It felt like I was hanging out with friends and just like,

it felt like when I listened to your podcast before this, I was like, Oh, I just give it another listen to remember the good times. And you guys have got a great thing going. And so I was like, so, and you get,

I hope, you know, you get talked about in podcasts on Reddit a lot. Uh, I follow, I'm in the subreddit podcasts where they're always talking about podcasts and you guys get mentioned a lot there. And I always love seeing it.

Cause those are like the, the connoisseurs of the podcasting world. We'll take what we can get, you know? Thanks. Yeah. And thanks to all our friends there on the subreddit podcast. Yes.

Yeah. We love you guys. Keep doing what you're doing. You should. Giving each other gold, silver, these things, whatever.

Yes. All these meaningless things. I love it over there. Nikki, you have your own podcast called you up with Nikki. Daily. Yeah. It's called you up and it's a,

wherever you can get podcasts and it's monday through friday and um it's just me broadcasting from my dad's home office in st louis missouri for however long i'm here and then uh and then from and then it'll i guess i don't know what's gonna happen i'm just gonna do it for the next couple months every day and then see what happens but it's just nice to have something to do every day yeah absolutely and yeah when things go back to normal you'll no doubt be on another theater tour so keep your eyes peeled for that whenever we are out of this flag mire i will i'll go i'll go back to just filling my life with work and touring and never really stopping to enjoy any of it uh as soon as this is over you must keep dancing you

must keep dancing yes i must yeah come come Yes, I must. Yeah, come see me dance. That will not stop. Thanks, guys. Thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you to everybody out there for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.