Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 640 - Mark Forward

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

Comedian Mark Forward returns to talk lucid dreaming, breaking the rules, and hopeful news stories. Also, an update to the burning question: Did his character die in Fargo?

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! hello everybody and welcome to another episode of stop podcasting yourself episode number 640 of stop podcasting yourself my name is graham clark and with me as always is a man who uh he's expanding his bubble almost on a daily basis mr dave shumka uh are you talking about my big fancy boobs? Yes. Yes, I'm talking about your chest. And I did want to be rude. You mean my bubble, my big bubble.

Yeah. I had a breast implant. And I don't care who knows it. A lot of people are like, oh, is that real? Or are you like, yeah, no, it's fake. But I'm proud of it and it costs a lot of money and i'm expanding it on a daily basis yep congratulations our guest today a return visitor to the podcast uh one of the funniest comedians we have in in this great

country of ours and if you've never heard his state of the industry, uh, address from JFL, it is a gem. It's Mark forward. Hi. Hello. Hi, Mark.

Uh, Hey guys, thanks for having me. Um, thanks for coming. It's my pleasure. I love doing your show. I've only,

I think this is my three Pete feels like three. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, I love doing it. I miss being amongst you and smelling you but yeah yeah this is good do i miss i miss the energy of everyone being in the room together

there's a show in town uh the we that graham and i have both been on called um uh blocked party uh and they're doing their they're back doing their podcast in the same room. And I'm a little jealous, but I'm not ready for that. Yeah, no. And I don't miss the smell of other people. I miss the energy of being in a room and hearing the laughter bouncing off the walls. I just miss the smell. That's the only thing I really miss is the smell of other people. It's the way that Mark processes information.

It's like a dog. Like a dog, yeah. Yeah, I don't care what you're saying. You can tell if somebody's a liar or not just by smelling them. Do we want to get to know us? Yes. Get to know us. Mark, how are things in general? It's been now many months of uh sticking to home and and the like how is it how's it going for you uh it's going you know um pretty bad you know um i get it uh i'm i'm damaging my body relentlessly. Oh, yeah. And every morning I wake up and say, okay, no, this is the day that I knock that off. What are you doing to damage your body?

I'm not giving two shits about it. Yeah. From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed. Every morning. I don't know that one. What's the next line? there's a halo hanging from the corner of my but I stopped singing it because I realized

that doesn't really have anything to do with quite what you're saying shut the door baby don't say the words I've waged war on my body are you getting enough sleep? sleep doesn't seem to be a problem which is really weird because normally that in the regular world sleep was my biggest issue yeah yeah no i i was like that's

the place i can go where nothing is uh falling apart now are you somebody that uh that can remember his dreams after sleeping or do you not ever you remember them yeah no i can remember them i can also uh i'm one of those people that can say uh you know take your pants off oh you can lucid dream yeah i can i can control the dream wow and what what do you do like do, do you just take their pants off? No, no, it's not always just take your pants off.

Like I can fly. Like if I say, I think I'm going to fly here, but sometimes you say stuff and then, and then your brain just takes over and it becomes terrifying. Oh yeah. Um, but yeah,

there's times I know when dreaming, I go, huh? Take your pants off huh take your pants off take your pants off i'm gonna fly and not in a sexual way guys yeah just take them off you know loosen up right yeah loosen up um i'm not yeah i don't have yeah i i don't even remember my dreams when i do i do seem to have like to have like, I famously have very boring dreams. Of course, there was the time that I,

the worst dream I had was, I was sad, I was panicking because my travel agent was retiring. Oh my God, what a hard day for you. I had a very boring dream where me and some guys were trying to fix a garage door. And then Mark walks by, turn it,

take off your pants. I forget. I had another really boring one too, but, uh, generally in the, like, I,

I'm not, I, I've have had that moment of like, Oh, if I, I, I'm dreaming right now. I can do it.

Whatever I want. Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh yeah that's uh that's an amazing skill to have have you always just had that or do you have to cultivate this um i well i didn't go to classes or anything there wasn't a six step class but i feel like there are like things you can read but i just um yeah i took classes with brad every sunday at four and he would put me under and talk me through it no i i don't know it's just something that

happens but i also have like um uh night terrors where you wake up screaming so I have those too yeah man that that is uh I I know people that have night terrors combined with sleepwalking so they will scream in somebody else's room yeah I'm thankfully I don't ever get up because I can't but um yeah you just wake up because you can't you can't move in your dream so you can't move in real life oh but uh you know i'd kill to just have a night of fixing the garage door every night yeah that would be great because the pain it's a good it's a trade-off right i don't want to wake up screaming and you know sometimes i'm telling people to take their pants off i just want the happy medium of fixing a garage door and oh my god my travel agent

how am i gonna there are absolutely no other ways to book trips no but the thing is the travel agent like it knows all these it knows the best way to use the points do you still use a travel agent yes i do oh my god that's great but it's like it's like you have uh like uh having your horses shoot or something yeah well no the thing is if you're still a travel agent in 2020 you're pretty good yeah that's true you've stuck around yeah but i walk past them all the time and they're empty they're just empty yeah but when were they ever like bustling like people aren't like oh i'm next i'm next okay no did you take a ticket point there's not people standing six feet they didn't have to draw the lines yeah outside the travel agency the uh everybody is six feet apart okay then you'll come in and we'll talk Cancun.

I've always been impressed by how big the office spaces are for travel agents. Giant. Yeah, prime real estate, usually, walk-by traffic, huge, nobody in them. Nobody's in them, ever. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen them helping a customer at all the ones that i've ever seen we do it over the phone so they don't but then they don't need office space well i mean i have it i don't know they're doing something else that's what they do they're actually like pretty help like they'll be like oh by the way your passport's gonna expire you should you should renew it and then you go to sleep that night and have a dream about

renewing your passport like that's the kind of shit they're throwing out i didn't know that that's free like i mean pro bono i didn't mean to make fun i didn't know they were helping you showing you the things they said they said as an adult. They set a Google alert for me to renew my passport. I didn't know. Yeah, I know. Everyone laughs when Lily is there to help me.

Is that her name? Her name's Lily. That's lovely. By the way, I've never met her. Oh, okay. You've never met her in person? No. How do you send her a Christmas gift?

Do you just do it through the mail? Yeah, I do like an of the month club. Does she send you a reminder that you have to send her? Yeah, yeah. See, David, Christmas is in six months. I know you're going on that big trip we book now how do they make money though i don't understand that part me neither because they don't get a percentage right or anything they get a fee but not yeah they get something from like the cruise ship companies

under the airline okay all right get a little taste you know doesn't seem right that would be the last job i think one of the last jobs elevator operator is like i've always thought that was a terrible job then it's not around anymore so i don't have to worry about having it but i always thought that was just the yeah everyone now goes to elevator operator.com to book their own elevator trips i'm gonna be on the elevator later at six you make sure it goes to floor 12 oh just a note about uh floor 14 it's actually the 13th one you just not a lot of people know that yeah it's a to think about it though that's a pretty crazy job that it ever existed

elevator operator yeah yeah because but i guess so before they had to pull something right yeah they had to like manually open the door too right yeah so that that then okay so then that just bled over till when they didn't have to do that but they kept uh the job of just pushing a button yeah because the wife on family matter she was she was an elevator she was the elevator operator on perfect strangers yeah and right and so that wasn't that long ago that they were still writing it into sitcoms because it because in my lifetime and i lived during that sitcom yeah i can't think of one elevator i needed help no that's true unless you went to like i don't know is there was there even like uh like an antique

hotel with like because i went i i definitely went to i remember going to europe and there being like weird elevators from like yeah a long time ago they're like this isn't how we do it at home but no one was operating them yeah like department stores used to have them and then they would say what was on every yeah so they had to have everything memorized like what goes on on this floor and uh i don't know if they like i don't know if they bounced in the elevator if they kind of pushed people you're getting off next oh yeah they were like directing traffic yeah yeah just kind of like so just keeping control of the yeah yeah and then that's

were they were they replaced by escalator operators I don't know if there was ever an escalator operator. Just a guy cranking it. By which I mean jacking off. Yeah. It's very similar to travel agents, elevator operators, because elevator operators have to know everything outside the elevator. Right. Yes. And travel agents have to know everything outside of elevator right yeah and travel agents have to know everything outside of the travel agency

yeah that's why they had a union both of them together that's uh it's true yeah ironically it was called the the travel agent and elevator operator local but we don't know about local things we know about foreign things yeah other things um the uh yeah i don't are there any other what are other jobs that like have expired in our lifetime many yeah but like i can why can't i think of it telephone booth repairman telephone booth installer uh telephone booth cleaner yeah he didn't get a lot done the telephone booth cleaner no he was a big job you know uh well obviously blockbuster employee oh yeah yeah of course just video store employee in general that they used to be there's still some there right yeah there's still some weirdos out there yeah

yeah what are they up to people that are going into video stores i don't even own a dvd player and that's not i don't mean that in like a bragging way of like i don't even own a tv that's so funny that it used to be cool to have one yeah yeah and now you're like i don't have one of those i was just thinking about that how like in the late 2000 or late 90s uh computers got dvd players in them and prior to that like if you brought your computer with you somewhere you were like the biggest nerd but now now you're like, I'm going to college, bringing my computer. We're going to watch, you know, The Matrix. That's true.

They did. Yeah. Is that something you're able to do, like work in a public space? Because that's a very big thing. Yeah, you. Oh, God. No. No.

No, no. No, no, no. Mark's too famous. Hardly. They'd be trying to sneak a peek at what you're looking at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's watching The Matrix in a Starbucks. No, I can't do it. I don't understand it.

I mean, I understand getting out, getting away from your home and that helps your brain work and stuff but like go to go to a park go to a library you don't need wi-fi if you're if you're writing that's true that's that's really the stumbling block for a lot of people it's like yeah i have to be able to avoid the thing i'm doing yeah like if i'm leaving here, I don't want Wi-Fi because then I'm just going to do there what I wouldn't be doing here. Meanwhile, in a place where I'm being pretentious about what I'm doing.

I don't know. It just feels weird. I think that in the future, parks will have Wi-Fi and then it'll just be all nerds at the park with their laptop. Oh, my God. Some do, right? Parks? Yes. Yeah, i believe it i think some cities have wi-fi like i think vancouver has it no no you mean like as an amenity or whatever

yeah like doesn't toronto have a wi-fi signal that you can jump on i think maybe toronto does we don't because it's every time. The mountains, probably the mountains. Yeah. Yeah. The mountains and the, the thing. All right. Yeah. Our buses are still on a trolley system. So we're,

we're, uh, behind it was trolley operator. Like the guy that stood at the back and got the, Oh yeah. Ticket taker. Yeah. That can't be around anymore.

Right. Machine does that. Isn't be around anymore right machine does that isn't that just a isn't that is a bus driver like is that oh yeah no i mean the guy that's on the back of the trolley that like always ring the bell yeah yeah yeah clang clang clang goes the trolley ding ding ding goes the bell zing zing zing go my heartstrings all right all right so uh you know a job that doesn't exist anymore old-timey songwriter songwriter for judy garland well i don't know is sam you listen to radio they're still doing it yeah that's true they always like i call 1-866-LAW right it's a really short phone number yeah like call 1-866-LAW 4259 yeah uh mark mark where did you grow up um i grew up in oakville ontario and growing up was there a like a tv TV jingle, like a commercial jingle, a local commercial jingle that has stuck with you?

That's a great question. No. Because Graham's got 2 and 7 was your TV station. 2 and 7 Loves You was the jingle. 2 and 7 Loves You. Yeah you yeah okay yeah and uh pizza 73 you're 73 7373 pizza 73 yeah and that was a very local pizza joint yeah yeah it's i think it was the alberta version of pizza pizza i think they may have been that may have been their parent company oh 73 but uh it was the gross it was the gross kind

you know gross pizza which is still great but it's gross you know yeah yeah yeah there's lots of food out there that's gross but it's still so good yeah yeah speaking of abusing your body during this mark um are you what are you eating these days oh my god anything anything to make the pain go away um i don't know i booze just always booze have you thought about making your own booze because i feel like this is the time i have i did that once and I made wine in Toronto and the weird thing is they call me every six months to let me know

my wine's ready and I haven't made it since it's aging I think it's just aging and they say mark forward and I say yep your wine's ready and I say guys I haven't made wine with you in

five years and then six months passed and they called me again said your wine's ready see that's a job that does still exist yeah wine center color um but for the jingle thing no i got nothing i do the one thing that always uh we had tv ontario which you guys didn't have no which was an ontario channel um and there was a commercial on there it was for drinking and the dad's sitting having a drink in his lazy boy. And the kid comes in with this plastic General Lee Dukes of Hazzard car. Right. And the dad and the kid's like, can you fix this? And it was like one of those, you know, the plastic toys that was just a plastic shell.

And then the wheels sort of just popped in. Right. Yeah. Right. And he can't get the wheels in. But when the kid comes over he's like dad can you fix this and he goes sure buddy and he rams it a couple times and then he's like go to bed and that was it

and that has stuck with me forever like every time if my kid says something and i'm having a drink i always respond sure buddy which is probably not a great oh man um the uh that is but it's tough to like how do we communicate problem drinking in a 30 second commercial with no money? Yeah, but also you could see that commercial and be like, that guy rules. He tried to, but he couldn't. He couldn't. He said, get out of here.

He made that kid go to bed. Get out of here. I'm watching Dallas. Right? Because I think the Dukes of Hazzard was out before sure and the kid was still worked up with his

General Lee car yeah he just took it up and was like blew the wheels off came down to the deck and he fixed this thinking his dad's gonna be all happy

because they just watched it together yeah he's like no I'm on to Dallas bring me your patrick duffy doll um yeah there's a local anti-drinking or maybe drinking water i don't know what it is but it's a bartender and it stops serving these guys beers it starts bringing over waters that they didn't ask for i was like what bartender would and that you they clearly had to shoot i know that commercial they

had to shoot it during the daytime because the bar they were using was like we're not closing at night to shoot a dumb commercial that's against what we stand for yeah we love drunk things well did you guys have that one where the band was playing the song i don't know if i was just ontario either but it was like and it came out just recently like designated driver yes call it pulling overnight i don't know that one yeah and then it's is it arrive alive and And so the people drinking are at a bar watching a band sing about how to get home safely. It's the last song in their set. Yeah. Hey, guys, we're going to bring things down.

A little social reminder. Designated driver. It's a 30-second song. This will not take long. Oh, it's a 30 second song this will not take long oh it's terrible did you ever have like a police or other come to your school and give you a

how to not get in a drunk driving thing or here's what you should do if this happens or anything like that no we did have Journey to emu huh which was a play i think about molestation oh boy journey to emu yeah i believe like the bird if anyone listening this looks it up and goes mark that was actually a play about that was actually a play about uh it was actually a musical about chess yeah it was a

play about fractions and learning them you read too much into it i read way too much into it but i'm pretty sure journey to emu was about appropriate touching uh-huh right we definitely had a lot of that a lot of education of i used to have uh, like a joke in my act about how, like from grade one to grade seven, it was all about like grownups trying to get inside your bathing suit area. Yeah. And, but there was never a warning of like,

by the way, no one wants to touch you anymore. Like in grade eight and nine, it wasn't like, Hey boys, no one's, no one's trying to touch you anymore. Yeah. You wish someone would. 8 and 9 it wasn't like hey boys no one's trying to touch you anymore you wish

someone would you've crossed over to the other side of the equation but it was also funny because they did use the bathing suit area all the time and I was like okay well as long as I'm not swimming I'm okay yeah

they can't get in my jeans they can't get in my acid wash. As long as I'm not swimming, they're not going to try and molest me because I won't be wearing my bathing suit. Have you ever seen somebody swimming in cut-off jeans? Yeah. It's pretty wild. Boy, those rivets will scratch up a water slide.

Swimming in your cut-off jeans. Designated driver. Swimming in your cut off jeans designated driver swimming in your cut off jeans yeah this should be like what's his name rock doctor the guy that went crazy right wing rock doctor right wing rock rock dirt what's that singer

Dr. John what the fuck is his name is that Nugent singer dr john kid rock kid rock didn't go right wing was he always well when what wasn't he like i don't know i thought he was like kind of like you know i don't know like hey don't listen to your parents yeah i guess that's pretty left wing right yeah listen to your parents guys have fun swimming you cut off he was a little bit anti-police because i i uh i remember a certain lyric about him uh telling the sheriff he was gonna paint his town red and paint his wife white jesus jesus um i remember the lyric that uh i can smell a pig from a mile away yeah yeah yeah and past guest aaron reed thought that that was a literal

thing about a man who had the ability to smell a pig from a while away. Oh, man. That would be a good talent. I don't know what you'd use it for. Yeah. Just lost pigs, I guess. Lost pigs? That's the only thing you could use it for.

Nobody's just out there looking for a pig. No, that's true. Except maybe Babe? I guess Babe and Charlotte's Web Pig. And that's true except maybe babe i guess babe and charlotte's web pig and that's the two famous pigs but neither of them got lost did they babe was lost in new york in the second one or that might have been home alone too yeah i was lost in new york not pig in the city how did he know his way around the city then? That's true. Yeah.

Well, because he probably talked to like a bug that lived in the city. Like, ah, get over here. Don't walk out in traffic, babe. Be careful, babe. We're going to need you to take that again. Oh, yeah. No problem. Be careful out there, babe.

That's so funny. A New York bug talking to babe. Yeah, that's how you maximize the franchise, you know? You get the main character to go somewhere. The third one could have been babe goes to Hawaii. That's a popular motif. Yeah. the third one could have been babe goes to Hawaii.

That's a popular motif. Yeah. Or just babe, a reboot where it's the, you know, just babe all over again, but with CGI better. I don't know. I don't know how people make these decisions.

Well, I don't think that I'm not going to be one of those. Well, I don't think babe was actually CGI, but yeah, you can't have a big talk. That's true. Not in these day and age. is actually CGI, but... Yeah, you can't have a pig talk. That's true. Not in these day and age.

It's not a job anymore. Are we all just talking about movies we haven't seen? I've seen Babe. Yeah, I've seen Babe. And I think I've seen Pig in the City. I think I've seen Pig in the City once, and it wasn't that bad. No, I hear it's good. Of the pig movies,

which the other ones are, Porky's. Porky's. Highest grossing Canadian film of all time. At one point. Well, I think with... Inflation? Inflation, it still might beat

Canada's 40th movie. Well, that's the good thing i was wondering is good cop bone cop is that the number one or is my big fat greek wedding

oh is if that's canadian then that's the number one i think it was a i think it was an american canadian production for a time it was air

bud i know that air bud was made was air bud canadian oh yeah yeah yeah no isn't that crazy oh yeah totally For a time, it was Air Bud. I know that Air Bud was made. Was Air Bud Canadian? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No. Isn't that crazy? Oh, yeah, totally.

And there's a story I think I've told on the podcast before. The guys that produced all the Air Bud movies and the Air Buddy movies and the MVP movies, which were the most valuable primate. Wait, wait, wait. Those were the same? Yeah, same company. It was the same company. Same company made i did

not know that either and one of the guys uh was like i've you know i made a lot of money i'm out i can't do any more uh talking animal movies i want to do something else and he financed the movie uh capote which uh won an oscar and stuff like so he went straight from MVP, Air Buddies, whatever, to Oscar nominated. One film. But Air Bud won some Oscars. Well, there was nothing in the rule book that said that he couldn't win them.

Air Bud couldn't win the Oscars. I've never seen Air Bud. How do they get past the dribbling? They pass it to him. He doesn't dribbleling they pass it to him but he doesn't dribble to him and then he he alley the alley he oops it but i also haven't seen it but i do remember that he started out as either on america's funniest home videos or america's funniest people as like this was a talented dog oh really that's how he got his start yeah discovered yeah america's funniest people probably one of the greatest shows ever made right i would kill to watch it now if it was on some streaming platform i would be watching the shit out of it because uh man oh man i bet

there's some comics that at the time i didn't know who they were but i do know who they are now yes you know like there's probably gabriel iglesias was on't know who they were but i do know who they are now yes you know like there's probably gabriel iglesias was on you know doing something yep or like uh you know guy that does impressions or whatever it was hosted by dave coulier yeah and tani katane yep and then she left and someone else co-hosted it or or was a spanish lady oh daisy fuentes yes but i feel like there was someone else as well a blonde lady i i wonder if dave coulier was just bad to work possible to work with yes yeah i i can see that i think but as a child i never would have thought yuck yucks what's that i opened for him at yuck yucks. What's that? I opened for him at Yuck Yucks. And what was your experience?

You weren't allowed to say anything funny. And then I was performing for Dave Coulier fans. Yes, I was wondering what the audience was. And greatest heckle of my life was, I don't find you funny, but Jesus will. Someone said this to you? Yes. A woman in the front row of Dave Coulier's show.

What do you say to that? You destroyed her. Well, I just point out to her, that's a, that's a better, you know, that's a better thing, right? Like Jesus thinks I'm funny. Who cares if you, who are you? Yeah, exactly. You're some yokel. That's going to go on my resume.

Yeah. Um, there was a story from yuck yucks years ago that they had some kind of competition and, uh, Adam West was the host and all the comments in that competition you really yeah oh my god you know this one i lost like you guys were told that you couldn't mention batman yes correct yeah and then somebody on the show was introduced and he said thanks superman yeah i did that show that's amazing uh oh god um dave broadfoot was a judge oh yeah do you remember dave broadfoot? The comedic Mountie? Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, yeah. And then after that show, which I lost, he got in contact with me and wanted me to write jokes for him. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. And so I was like, sure, because I was just starting. Like, sure, all right, friend. You? and uh so i was like sure because i was just starting like sure all right you and so what it was was he sent like pages pages to my house and there would be a sense and then a blank

and then a sense and then a blank oh no the alligator does insert the funny these are the premises i like yeah here's a paragraph you'll make it funny this is what i want to talk about there's no comedy in it yeah that's exactly what it was pages and pages just blank line that's amazing, though, because I grew up reading books about comedians, and back in the old days, you could just go to a show and try to sell jokes right to the comedian. Yeah. And that wasn't seen as weird if you were a joke writer, so you really lived it. I lived it. I lived it.

I sold him a joke about tornadoes for I think it was like 100 bucks. That's pretty good. There's no overhead on that. I'm never going to do tornado jokes. Tornadoes are blank. Fill in the rest. I love that tornado joke. Can I have it?

Yeah. Whatever. I don't have anything right now, okay? So, yes, you can have that. Boy, oh boy. What was, do you remember who won that? That's a great question. I think Nikki Payne won.

Oh, yes. And I remember I wore a leather jacket. stage yeah yes and i knew cool are you cool i didn't know you were cool i guess you're cool jesus will think you're cool i don't think you're cool but jesus will think you're cool it was the time where you're trying to be the comic you think you're supposed to be right so I was doing jokes about tornadoes so I could wear leather jackets and I'm like I don't know what I'm doing

did you ever smoke on stage was that because that would seem to be a thing for a while were you doing nursery rhymes that were kind of lewd yeah I was smoking behind my head no I it was a bad leather jacket too but um

like it wasn't even black it was like an off brown I wasn't even trying to be cool I was just trying to be a guy I don't know. What do you think of a guy who was sweating so much on stage? The guy that was just wet with sweat. He was so angry about tornadoes.

I liked your jokes, Serpico. Starsky and Hutch up there for eight minutes fucking talking about tornadoes oh man it was terrible my jokes were terrible now Mark the last time you were on the show yeah you

it was during season three of Fargo in which you played a police officer yeah I loved season one I loved season two I had not yet seen season three yeah and i was grilling you do you does your character die in season three of fargo i feel like this is gonna end with you saying you still haven't watched it mark yeah i still haven't seen season three i knew it i knew it do you die i'm not gonna tell you

have you seen it i have yeah does he die i'm not spilling the beans on this no way man do you think he dies i mean everybody dies eventually yeah that character at some point yeah that i mean it takes place in the past yeah so yeah he's he's probably dead he was fat like me so now mark mark he's probably dead did you uh have to work with a uh like accent coach crazy story graham especially for your death scene like did you have to did you what how did you nail the i'm hit no didn't i'm telling you either way um apparently graham uh the night before my agent said you got an audition for fargo tomorrow i was like well i don't know how to do an accent and then i just went there and did something and apparently it was right

so to all those hard-working actors that work so hard on things i'm so sorry you just nailed that one and here's the thing i did it in the audition i was like i don't know if that's right whatever yeah i'm never i'm never gonna get it then the next day I was like, I don't know if that's right. Whatever. I'm never going to get it. Then the next day they're like, you got it. I was like, okay. No callback even? Nope. Wow. Nope. Because Gaffigan was doing the role, right?

So they had to fill it. And he had shot an episode. Right. So they were already in production and they're like, we got to fill this role. So they were searching Toronto, Vancouver they're like, well, we gotta fill this role. So they were searching Toronto, Vancouver, LA and I was like, I'm never getting this. Right. Then they're like,

you got it. We need you here Tuesday. But at this point, are you not freaking out like thinking, what did I do? I'm terrified. Yeah. Absolutely terrified. I'm gonna be working opposite Carrie Coon. I hope I don't accidentally call her Anna Torv. First. First scene working opposite Carrie Coon. I hope I don't accidentally call her Anna Torv. First scene is with Carrie Coon.

And I meet her. And she's the most, thank God, she's the most lovely human being you'll ever meet. She's one of those people you go, I want to be your friend. But she probably has so many friends. Right. But then she's still of those people you go, I want to be your friend, but she probably has so many friends. Right. But then she's still your friend. Um, she,

she's so lovely and so giving that that felt good, but I still was terrified. Cause I'm like, I don't think I, I don't think I know how to do this accent. Yeah. And then we die. And then we went and shot and we shot a whole day no one said anything to me

so you're like i guess and then i said and the thing with fargo was the director's different each episode oh yeah so this first director i said at the end of the day, I was like, I was terrified. I was like, um, like, was that okay? Or yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, dude, it's Fargo. If you weren't, you'd know. No, I've seen it. It's really good.

Yeah, no. So I just lucked out. I hate telling that story for like you know those actors that are like this is my passion and i'm i'm gonna take six weeks to learn the cadence yes of the tiger man or whatever role okay do you know what i mean yeah i guess you lost me a little bit i'm gonna learn the cadence of the tiger man but uh I guess, yeah, the actors like dialects, I suppose. Actors have a real passion for acting. Yeah.

And they also like putting on weight, taking off weight. They love it. He lost this many pounds. He gained this many pounds. It's always the whole story. It's probably why I don't get more work is because I luck into roles. That one was

I was terrified, though, Graham, to answer your question. Yes. Absolutely terrified. There was one other question that wasn't answered. Yep. Do you remember the question? Did I win a Canadian Screen Award for it?

No, I didn't. It's an American production. Okay. Rats. Not like Porky's. You won for Porky's. I won for Porky's. I liked in the Porky's universe.

The first one is Porky's and then the second one is Porky's the next day. So it literally picks up at the very end of the day and then it goes forward. And then isn't the third one somebody's revenge? Oh, probably. Yeah, I think it's the guy. Porky's revenge? Maybe Porky's revenge. Yeah.

Yeah. And the fourth one is Porky's live at Budokan. Porky's the guy, right? That owns the... Porky. Yeahy yeah porky i guess so i've only seen the first one and it was in a very horny room we weren't we weren't interested in the plot we wanted to see the showers that that would have been a great uh experience if you had to watch porky's through a hole and they just screened it in a locker room shower and like every boy had to watch it it's so steamy isn't it so funny though like those movies don't exist anymore sex comedy yeah yeah it was like oh

there's some boobs yeah they won't make a movie unless there's like, we know it'll sell in China and we can do like the six sequels. I just think probably because a 13-year-old seeing a woman suck off a horse, he's not going to be like, oh, what's this summer camp up to? Oh, boobies.

She took her top off. Do you know what I mean? You know what? Boobies are still great yeah boobies aren't great but like i just think kids today are just like yeah those are those are tits what else you got yeah yeah like we've yeah that's true like a an american pie would seem like like the mr rogers to them like that like yeah i feel like no that's not for everyone like the thing no i'm not saying but like it's still that i need it to be more hardcore i'm just saying that they have that option whereas we you know took our dirty worn out version of porkies and popped it in our vhs that's right yeah

why it's funny like it was always rented it was never available yeah but it was like the that even though i've seen all of that i'm still like oh boy the the idea of someone not even nudity the like hinting at the possibility of nudity like whoa boy this is here we go i think it was jumbo i think it was jumbo video i remember jumbo video yeah it was the elephant that's right i love to rent you movies yeah yeah yeah like elephants do they never forget to rent you movies yeah never forget to rewind and um but i think it was like 16 was when you could have your own account right without your mom knowing about your mom knowing you're renting porkies every two days it probably would be cheaper to just pay the overdue charge instead of going back every two days.

Yeah, but then your mom finds out about it. I would walk in and I would say, Kevin, two more days. I am not finished with this. Line it up. I need to see where this is going. Well, there is a sequel. Is it good? I keep turning it off right after the

shower scene and you never know what happens did you ever go to a video store that had the adult section with the beaded off curtain yeah we ours had like a saloon door right yes yeah very easy to duck under yeah and it was weird too, because there, um, it always seemed like the pornographic movies, their cases were bigger. That's right.

I don't know. But that was a very specific memory. Yeah. It's so weird. The things we do remember but but what how weird is it to grab your bag of popcorn at the video store break off from your wife and head through the saloon door to check out do they still have like adults only video stores at all yeah and then when you go in there you go through a beauty curtain and it's got babe and all that yeah you can see quiz show yeah

i don't know that's a great question i don't know i haven't been in an adult store because they still have like adult yeah sex toy stores yeah you can buy any piece of kind of rubber you want to shove inside yourself or your friends. Or your friends, yeah. But I don't know if they have like, yeah, like a renting porno store anymore. They must for the same people who go to the regular, the like

five video stores that exist. Well, I still like a movie I can hold and I can put on my bookshelf. Yeah, and I like to hear the director's commentary Yeah, and I like to hear the director's commentary. Yeah, I like to hear the director's commentary about how wet she was. Okay. Not that kind of show. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Well, for one thing, the director shouldn't know. It's not his role should know dave if it's not wet enough there's gonna be problems well they're gonna have a long day they're gonna and they're gonna have to add some sound effects anyway guys yes we're not that kind of show um what does that mean uh no we're a nice show for nice people okay uh mark do you need to take a break and refill your drink no i'm all right okay unless you do no i'm i mean no i'm okay um it's only it's not even six o'clock here. Oh, that's right. Um, here's what's going on with me.

I, uh, this past week I, I went away for a week because I have no office to go into. I'm, I can just, you know, do my work wherever. And, uh, the kids hadn't seen their grandparents in a long time because of the situation. Yeah. Uh, Mike, the situation. That's who i thought you were talking about yeah he would not let my kids see their grandparents because of his abs they could see his abs yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah holly d was totally okay to let them see who wait who was who was the guy that always had his shirt up is that mike the situation mike's the situation certainty no okay yeah i can't remember who's who anyway uh so we went to go see abby's parents on the island of gabriola now where we live uh in british columbia at the moment we are getting very few there's been one covid death

in the last 10 days we're getting like 10 new cases a day it's we've kind of flattened the curve but they're still not like opening it up you're not supposed to travel within the province right um but we figured we would so you thumbed your nose at the rules well but we were like okay we will you're not so you the way we get there is you you drive from uh your house onto if the answer is you go through a space portal, instantly you're there. You're breaking the rules. Then it's okay. Oh.

No, you get on a, you stay in the car, you get on the ferry. You are not to get out of your car on the ferry. Yeah. And then you drive onto the big island and then drive onto a smaller ferry that takes you to the small island where we were going to and then we would be at their house for the week and their house is remote and there's no one around and so we were like okay we can we can be we'll just be a pod in the car and we will go from our house to their house we will not get out we will not see any other people right and uh the problem with like bending the rules is you're traveling with a boat full of people who don't

care about the rules yes that's right yeah that's right you're on a voyage of the damned so we get to the we get on the ferry we've been in the car the whole time uh abby and the two kids and i and we uh we we you know we sit day in the car the whole time i do have to go to the bathroom so i get up i wear a mask i go up to the the top of the ferry where the bathrooms are no one else is wearing a mask everyone is like open mouth kissing yeah yeah they're they're eating a rotisserie chicken with their bare hands they're all wet yeah they're all their um you know lady in the tramping pasta yeah yeah yeah all the classic things they tell you not to do uh and they and so i you know i go i wash my hands people are not washing their hands

no like that first month of like okay sing a 45 second song while you do every nook and cranny yeah it uh still doing it i'm still doing it i like my whole life is just okay i need to brush my teeth floss my teeth do my hair like put whatever stuff in my hair and i don't what is the like order of doing things oh i also have to go to the bathroom what's the order of doing things where i don't have to like wash my hands between everything i do yeah because i don't have half an hour to do this stuff uh anyway so we go there's people uh thumbing their nose at the rules yeah and everyone's supposed to stay in their cars the ford mustang two cars in front of us the alarm goes off two minutes into the ride no one's in the car it's going for the entire well i guess it goes for about an hour and 15 minutes

where it would go for 45 seconds stop for 10 seconds start up again yeah and we'd be like oh is it stopped this time nope here it comes again so yeah the trip over thumbs down yeah and then we got there the trip back trip back was a little bit better there were still a lot of alarms going off yeah and people people leaving their cars and like going up to explore the ferry so you wanted people to just slightly break the rules like you yes i wanted people to like as long as they were just slightly breaking the rules like you, then everyone would be fine. Okay. But if they're more breaking the rules,

exactly. That's enough. Yeah. I feel like there should be a special, I guess I wanted like a special award for. Yeah. Right. For slightly breaking the rules.

Responsibly. Yeah. That's right. Look at all these assholes breaking the rules while I'm breaking the rules. Yeah. But slightly. But like once the rule is broken, they're not like trying to go back. I am.

I'm constantly being like, okay, well, we can't all break the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a dip a toe in the outlaws world. And they all were cannonballing the world. That's what it is. It's you lived in Westworld. You dip a toe in the old west yeah yeah laws everyone is going up not wearing a mask while they're having sex with a robot prostitute sorry robot sex worker um and then we got to the island and it was great and the kids had like we abby and i have been the only

people taking care of the kids for the last three months so it was great to have another set of people who weren't allowed to hug or kiss my children right yeah did they just feel them with tongs yeah yeah there was a lot of poking uh yeah so it was a fun relaxing week did a lot of sleeping did you do that I hate to be did you so you didn't hug they weren't allowed to hug but you stayed in their

home for a week look using utensils and plates and food and classrooms but hugging knock it off and food and washrooms. But hugging? Knock it off. Now, if I'm being honest, of course

they hugged my kids. I just did one hug at the beginning, one hug at the end. Yeah, that's right. It would have been weird if they were eating and shitting in all the same places. Then you're like, hey. Yeah, weird if they were eating and shitting in all the same places. Then you're like, hey.

Yeah. Well, they were. No affection. I didn't witness the latter. But yeah, we did have meals together. No, but I get what you're saying. I went to a flower shop and I did everything I was supposed to do and no one else was doing it yeah yeah i totally get what you're saying yeah like i've i've been wearing a mask the whole duration your mask go all the way to the bottom of your beard yeah it's like a cape

no are you like orville peck yeah he was ahead of the curve mask wise um no i just have one that covers up the the nose and mouth and then goes around the old ears there you just have one i have a box of them because uh way back in the day i got the like h1n1 or whatever oh yeah yeah they were like you have to buy these you had the swine flu yeah 10 years ago yeah yeah it was wild and uh they said you had that pig finder he would have he would have sniffed it out yeah yeah but yeah that one guys yeah you should be yeah yeah no it's like i remember when because abby sewed me a mask and then i bought one that broke and so i had to fix it and then i it broke again and i fixed it and then anyway i've had some mask drama

and i remember there was like at the beginning abby was like okay well i looked up what you're how you're supposed to care for them like because you're supposed to wash them every after every time you go out right oh really oh well it's like your clothes it's like you bring them back and then there's whatever germs on the outside of them oh yeah that's true i haven't been i haven't been am i supposed to take my clothes off when i get home i i don't know look i can't we're we're 12 weeks into this 13 weeks into this thing. I don't know. Yeah. Mark and my dream set to take my pants off.

So that's all. Yeah. In my world, your pants are always off. I remember there were all these guidelines at the beginning of like how to wash your mask and like don't use bleach and use blah, blah, blah. And I don't think that matters anymore if I'm the only one wearing it that's true yeah you know i did kind of love though um was the washing of the vegetables i don't know why we weren't doing that yes before yeah that that one i'm like what why why weren't you washing your vegetables before no no before i'd run them under a tap yeah but then i read hey a great way to clean your vegetables put them in with a little

soapy water then rinse them off doesn't affect the vegetable in any way the soap doesn't stay on them yeah yeah i was like oh why didn't anyone tell me that before yeah that takes five seconds and yeah they're an open item that's traveled through thousands of hands and thousands of people yeah that's true yeah they'll rub on the sweater and we're like oh yeah i'll eat that apple they will take off my shirt though because now it's contaminated um when you were like do you do either of you on a salad spinner no i do have a salad spinner and it's in the back corner of the lazy susan it hasn't come out we i do use it for you know your bigger leaves yeah sure what if i'm making a salad that you know it's more than one leaf uh i i'll use it but when i a kid, that was the most fun thing in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah. Spin it around as fast as you can, pull the lid off and see if it's still going. Yeah, that's a good feeling. I was surprised, like, Mom, this is so much, why aren't you doing it? I can see why you like cooking so much. This is the blast.

I was also really enamored with our lazy Susan that we had in the kitchen I would sit cross-legged and just push it around for hours looking at all the cans the ones that never got to shine do we know who this Susan was? Susan B. Anthony, I think

was it really? no, I don't know it's been a while I think. Was it really? No, I don't know. It's been a while since I've been hooked like that. Do you know who Susan B. Anthony is? She got her head cut off. She had her head cut off on a Tuesday, I believe it was. They don't teach us American history, really. I'll tell you, I took American history in grade 13 because I had to

and I failed it with a 41 oh no 41 so I was not listening I didn't pay attention I didn't care I know Nina pinned to Santa Marina and then I learned this week no that guy's a horrible fucking human being.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, why didn't you teach me that shit instead of what his three boats are named? And what color the ocean was. When am I ever going to use that? But I still know it to this day, Nina Pinta Santa Marina. And then I'm reading all this stuff about the statues, and I'm like, where was that part?

Yeah. all this stuff about the statues i'm like where where was that part yeah also i don't know a lot of the time what the statues like unless it has a plaque then i'm like that's just some white dude from history dude yeah like take them all down i don't care yeah why are there so many statues to be like like at all yeah take all the statues down racist or not why i why are there so many statues? Like, at all? Yeah, take every statue down. Racist or not, why are there so many statues? Take them all down. I don't care. The two that can remain is there's one in Detroit of Robocop,

and there's one in Philadelphia of Rocky. Those are the two that get to stay. There's the Fonz one in Milwaukee. Oh, that goes. Fonz is racist. Fonz is racist, but Robocop's not. Oh, yeah, I guess. That's right. We've got to defend the Robocop.

Fonzie was friends with an alien. That's right. He's a pretty accepting dude. He was a guy that was living in 1950s America, and an alien showed up, and he like this makes total sense that's right and like and then the alien did the alien show did mark and mindy take place in the 50s as well no so mark had been living in america for 30 years and still hadn't acclimated and hadn't aged was mindy from the 50s?

I don't think so. I think it was in modern times. No, she didn't happy days. Okay. No, they lived in Colorado. How'd he get there, too? I was thinking about all this old TV. You were talking about Adam West earlier.

When I was a kid, even though that show was from 15 years before i was born yeah that was the batman yeah and like people were doing impressions of him into my teens and there was like now they just like you know get a new new super new spider-man every six years or whatever i mean the the other thing about the batman show burt ward was supposed he was the number one choice for the movie the graduate and he couldn't go because batman wouldn't let him because they were fighting crime together yeah and so like burt ward never had the career he could have had dustin hoff's career. I don't think he would have brought what Dustin Hoffman brought to Rain Man. There's no way.

We'll never know. There's no way. Graham and I were doing, for a while, we were doing a Bradley Cooper movie club. Okay. And we never decided. We stopped doing it because I hated it. And I hated it because we were watching movies to, to dislike them.

Right. I think. So you were watching only Bradley Cooper movies. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And we never replaced it with anything, but we said we would,

cause we're like, we need something to talk about. That's not about, we need to talk about something other than being in quarantine. Yeah. Yeah. Um, Graham, do you want to hash that out uh yeah sure um what say you to and mark also jump in on sure what what content should we be consuming that uh you know that there's more than one of so we can stretch it out over uh several weeks because i was thinking we could do something that's like the opposite of bradley

cooper which would be like well the first name that came to mind dabney coleman dabney coleman movies yeah start with cloak and dagger Dabney Coleman movies start with Cloak and Dagger I was trying to think of like what could we watch don't wash over my suggestion you said I could be involved and then yeah that's true you're just washing over it I guess you're right no yeah okay we'll do the Dabney

Coleman movie club we'll do Cloak and Dagger is he also in War Games? He's in 9 to 5 oh he's in 9 to 5 yeah he plays he's in 9 to 5. Yeah, he plays. We'll watch all of Drexel's class. I don't know any other damn Coleman movies, but. I think we have. I think we hit them all.

No, Graham, no. I don't want to do a dumb thing that I hate. I don't want to just yes and a dumb idea. I want to think it through okay so what's your idea well i have a few the first thing i was thinking was like we could do glenn close movie club okay glenn close is a very famous actress and i don't think i've seen any movies she's in i just recently saw the movie i assume that made her famous which was a fatal attraction yeah and it's wild i wanted that was like i just want to can i jump in one second

yes yes dabney coleman has 176 acting credits so if you guys are gonna just poo poo things just know your fact carry on are you on his imdb yeah he was just in yellowstone in 2019 he's still working too in the like four things that he's known for what does it say what did they do at the top of his imdb it'll be like known for

nine to five cloak and dagger okay war games oh he's in war games you got mail nine to five on golden pond ogp yellowstone 2019 for the people now these are just his most recent ones after those come on please stop boardwalk empire he was in i'm gonna i'm gonna mute you you mute the truth. What this is, Dave, is you showed up with what you actually want and you're not willing to hear other people's opinions.

You're like, this Glenn Close thing is going to fucking be fire. And then someone showed up and was like, Dabney Coleman. You're like, no. I've been thinking about this all week. It's Glenn Close. I've been thinking about it for months. thinking about this all week it's glenn close i've been thinking about it for months um but then i was like could we do could we just have like a month devoted to something well what about a month jumping off of the glenn close thing what about a month of sexy thrillers fatal attraction

like of that era yeah yeah yeah you do fatal attraction uh basic instinct um what was the other one there was another one with sharon stone called like sliver ever yes whatever we could or um what was the madonna one oh yeah body of evidence uh there's more in there uh did tom baron do a sexy movie uh was there like um i mean i'm sure there are others in the yeah yeah well uh okay well do you want to do that for next week yeah sure do like late 90s late 80s early 90s sexy erotic thrillers that's great ridiculous what are we are we going to start with fatal attraction start with fatal attraction start with fatal attraction because i just watched it very recently so that's a great idea i love it yeah and for all the listeners at home i will be doing a dabby coleman uh i'm gonna start a whole

new podcast is he maybe dabby is dabby Disclosure? You don't know. You didn't even know. You said you only did two films. 176. He was also in Stuart Little. I didn't say he did two films. I said he was in War Games. No one gave me credit for it.

Inspector Gadget he was in. Just saying. What would you call that podcast if you did run that podcast? Dabney's not old, man. I like it. I like it a lot what's going on with you Graham well yeah also yeah okay and we'll tell the guests they need to watch

an erotic thriller with us yeah sure why not okay but if they don't want to we can just discuss it it'll be great okay well I think everybody's gonna know the movies you're watching everybody's seen them i haven't i haven't seen fatal attraction most people have yeah rabbits gets boiled okay well don't spoil it it's in the opening credits you are the one thing i've been begging you to spoil you you refuse to but you'll spoil yeah hey guess what happens in war games uh it's tic-tac-toe

uh nuclear war is tic-tac-toe um here's what happens in cloak and dagger the kid from et is in some spy stuff it's a great movie damon coleman dies in it oh god spoiler oh boy and he wears a leather dragon as well that's very cool here's what happens in nine to five she stumbles out of bed stumbles to the kitchen pours herself a cup of ambition i only know the song um what's going on with me is uh so you know the news has been heavy for the last months what yeah i don't know if you guys have noticed but have you guys seen the news has been heavy for the last months. What? Yeah. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but have you guys seen the news? Man, oh, man. So my solution, watching the news every night, is I'll watch the full horrible, horrible news.

And then I'll switch the channel over to the Victoria Island news. Because they, no matter how dire the situation would figure out a way to wedge in like and all that and a mcdonald's got fire you know like it'll just be right story like they would always find other stories that weren't just the one story of the day and there's a guy called swatsky who does the swatsky sign off he's uh he goes around and he does like heartwarming kind of stories i miss that though the one that they replayed a couple of times was about it's about a man who had too many puppies and so he was he couldn't keep track of them they were hiding in the bush and uh he had them all in like a cart and so that was like that's

what the swatsky sign-off is just a pure beam of joy at the end of the day and i talked about this on past guests uh becky johnson's podcast called the h word and swatsky heard it or found his name as a part of it and then sent a message to her and to me saying like boy it just feels great to have somebody recognize the the work that we do and i was like oh i was i was honestly starstruck i couldn't believe that sawatsky himself how did he find that i he must have uh he must have a google alert Yeah, she must have put the name in his episode description. Like, oh, here's things we talked about this week. Okay.

All right. But I was really, I was starstruck. I couldn't believe that he got in touch. And he's just like, he was so happy that he had been mentioned on the podcast. And anyways, so that was my star encounter. But like, yeah, i find it weird though that like someone who's on legitimate mainstream media is like thanks for talking about me on your internet yeah thanks for blogging about me

um but yeah lovely yeah it was a lovely exchange and i was honestly yeah when i got the email from him or like message on twitter i was like i was just like i was shocked i couldn't believe sawatsky himself had taken time out of his like finding the next yeah you know this kid figured out how to fly a kite out a window. So, isolation. I hate that kid. Here we had Mike, we had Mike McArdle for years. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He would do the like five minutes, two minute story at after sports.

Yeah. The very end of the news. Is there an Ontario equivalent? I'm sure there was. But it's just like the dumb, like, I need a story. And this guy is playing bagpipes in the park. Yeah. And we're just going to walk up to him.

What do we think about this? Yeah. A man following a dream. One terrible note at a time. I just always hate it. It's like, and they're playing jazz down at Louie's Bar on 7th Street. And we're going to play you out with that. Here's Janice singing this Ella Fitzgerald classic

and then she sings about two words and then the newscast ends. It's like, oh, that was her big moment. Tell me all. What song was she singing? Tell me. She was doing I Want It That Way by the Backstreet Boys. See, I did an improv where I threw it at Ella Fitzgerald, and then I got stumped.

I couldn't think of... I could think of Ella's songs, but not the first line. So, cheek to cheek, I was saying, someone to watch over me, but I couldn't remember what the beginning was, so I just made up one. That's airtight.

Do we want to move on to the overheard signal? That was your whole thing? A guy reached out to you? Yeah. We didn't record last week. You've had two weeks. No, I've been at home. we didn't record last week you've had you've had two weeks no that's i've been at home i didn't break the rules i've been also okay all right uh also normally we record these episodes like a week and a half in advance because you know we gotta book someone to i'm always nervous that we won't that an episode will fall through but now

we're always going to be able to get together on the computer so do you think you'll go back if the world goes back to recording in person? Yes, I hate this you don't like this? I actually I enjoy it, I know that it's hard for you to edit but it's hard to edit but it's also

like it's one more step thing I'm a control also like it's one more step thing i i'm a control freak and there's one more thing i can't control i see it's like uh you know somebody else's internet and microphone and things but don't but don't you also but aren't you removing the step of who's in town but that's like i don't want i don't need to have, like. Celebrities? You know, I don't need to have a blank slate of guests who are on the show. I just want the people that, like, laugh with me. Get it.

I got it. So, it's been a couple years since I've been on, so I get it now. Have you been in town? You'd rather people that were in town. Got it. Yes. No, thank you for making that clear. I'm just a fill-in until this whole thing

blows over absolutely you're a fill-in until this blows over this is a great opportunity to get people we've had before yeah that we like that we like yeah all right let's move on to Overhearts. Well, I guess we should. Holy moly. We were recording on the computer, and now Graham's not there. I know, Dave. I did it again. I leaned too far back in my chair, and I've ended up in the nether region. Oh, boy.

This is, I mean, of all the times for this to happen, it could not come at a worse time. I'm telling you, it's not just an epidemic down here. It's a pandemic. No, it's an epidemic. Yeah, buddy, buddy, I hate to tell you. It's a pandemic here. Oh, crap. It's the one thing that the nether world and the regular world can agree on.

Oh, yeah. It's a pandemic. It's a netherdemic. regular world can agree on. Oh, yeah. Pandemic. The netherdemic. Well, I gotcha. Yeah. Did you know we have a Jumbotron message this week? I do now. Okay.

And this one is a message that simply states, Buy the album The Bottle Episode by Red Sky Phenomenon at redskyphenomenon.bandcamp.com. As much as I want to say.commonon, that would be misleading. The Bottle Episode is an album consisting of 10 instrumental electric songs produced during the COVID-19 pandemic. Can I interrupt you, Graham? They're not electric songs. during the COVID-19 pandemic. Can I interrupt you, Graham? They're not electric songs. They're electronic songs. So down here, they're known as electric songs. Okay, down there, they go zip zap.

Up here, they go bloop bloop. Yeah. The album is only five American dollars, and all revenue that RSP receives on an album purchase will be split evenly between the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund and Meals on Wheels America for the rest of 2020. They said all the revenue that RSP receives. I think they mean the artist Red Sky Phenomenon and not the retirement savings plan.

Yeah, at this moment, I don't have either. artist Red Sky Phenomenon and not the retirement savings plan. Yeah. At this moment, I don't have either. Oh, yeah. But I can go to Red Sky Phenomenon. One of them only costs $5. Yeah. That's right. You can go to RedSkyPhenomenon.Bandcamp.com

and help feed homebound seniors and fight for racial justice. If you out there in the regular world or anyone in another world either, I don't care. If you would like a message on our show on this Jumbotron segment, go to maximum fun.org slash Jumbotron. Will you come back to my world and just pull this overheard out of Mark Forward? Okay, off I go. Overheard.

Overheard is a segment where you hear things out there in the world or you see something hilarious and then you report it back here on the podcast. And Mark, you've had your whole life to draw from do you have an overheard or something that you've overseen that you know it's been years since you're on the show because you don't live in town i remember the last overhead i did on the show was a gentleman saying um i don't always sneeze but sometimes I do I still think about that to this day I haven't been out very much

but you've had years yes I once heard a man say I have a dream that's great, very famous very famous, I was there how old are you? I'm in my 40s very famous very famous I was there um how old are you? I'm in my 40s

oh well it checks out um the only place I really went to recently was um a uh a nursery for plants and flowers and I thought well no one will be there.

That'd be a great place to go. Cause no one's in dire need. I just wanted a couple of shrubs, but I'll be in and out. And no, the oldest, most vulnerable COVID could die in a heartbeat, were all there. Mingling.

On a Tuesday. And all, like, three of them had walkers. And any masks? They had masks, but they were like, you need to take a cart, because that's how they track who's in the store and who's not, right? Right. And the woman's like, well, what do i do with my walker i i felt at that moment i would have been ruder i would be like you understand a cart will do the same job as your walker that's what was going through my right but the customers you understand your walk, your walker and a cart.

Exact same thing. Yeah. I've never thought about it, but yeah. Yeah. Now that I. She should have. That's all I'm saying. She should have had the thought.

Oh, yeah, that'll be the same. Yeah. I work with a walker all the time. That thing over there. This is going to be a good stand in. Very similar. But then she's like, well,

I don't know. I was like, I don't know what you're thinking about. But then she's like, okay, I'll take the cart. But she had to do one of those old people things where she goes, you know,

I only needed one thing, right? I didn't need a whole cart. I was just coming in for a pine cone. It's like, okay, yeah. So, okay. So then I see her coming out. She's got six things in her walker.

Wait, in her walker? In her walker. Where's her walker? Is there a walker in the cart? Her walker stayed with the guy that wipes down the carts right and she came out transferred her six items into her walker then walker walker out but this is what bothered me about overhearing the well i only need one item that was that was pure passive aggressive bullshit yeah that was like well you've made me gone through such a ordeal here you've taken my walker and given me another walker that i didn't want that i didn't want that

will have so much space and still hold me up yeah for my one item one item it's not yeah it's not like uh you know we you we have to serve this to you in a plastic cup but why can't i just use my refillable cup we have to but it's bad for the environment no you're not like you don't have to throw out your walker now no yeah to use yeah well sorry we've thrown out your walker yeah sorry we didn't understand what we were supposed to do yeah we threw out your walker when you left with the cart you were right yeah you were right we got confused and thought that the cart was your walker and we burned your car as well we don't know why but we burned your car to the ground it's because services customer services job one yeah number one and uh now you can get your one

item home oh how many do you have oh six maybe shut your mouth next time get out of here it's a it's a tale of all this she was a lovely woman but this is the one that and i've done it in my life i'm not i'm not denying that i haven't done in my life where you're slightly inconvenienced and you make one little comment it's like there's no need for it yeah there's no need really i don't need one item anyway we're all muddling through this together so just take it easy everybody take it easy where am i i got her phone number i checked up on her the six plants she got she was allergic to five of them she was she she has passed away oh no yeah this is a surprising twist you just hear you got her number

and you called her and she didn't answer so you assume she's dead no it was on her machine she changed the answering machine to say everyone dying i just went to the nurse to buy one item and i bought five and i'm allergic to all of them and i'm dying so she even lied on her message saying she got five items yeah that's right she even lied then no she minuses the one that she needed that's right the five i mean that's some funny math uh dave do you have it over mine is uh this is something my daughter said, but she didn't say it to me. She said it to Abby and Abby reported it to me. Poppy is three and she is very interested in what is inside things. And she's very interested in asking the same question over and over, even if she's heard the answer already.

Right. She asked Abby, what's inside my nose and abby said well cartilage skin hair and boogers and poppy said not boogers i ate them all yeah this is a this is real star turn for poppy she really set abby up for that yeah yeah yeah that's right oh she's oh here comes boogers what's inside your nose um mine is a nose job so it's a lot of uh pillars holding things up yeah how does a nose job work could michael jackson pick his nose i mean he did out of the catalog he said that one that's a fun joke everybody can enjoy

right that get your grandparents next to the wherever you're playing your podcast i mean as far as michael jackson jokes go it's pretty harmless yeah yeah that's i mean it's just it's for all ages everyone's gonna enjoy that joke um yeah i was trying to figure out something way worse yeah about other noses he picked but now you don't have to yeah exactly uh graham do you have an overheard i yeah mine is something that i saw and it was kind of it was through my window backs out into an alley. So yeah, I know they, I look, if you got it, flaunt it.

Um, some of us are trying to just get by here, but yeah, I know I've got windows. I've got a view of the alley. I'm doing it. Um, you can probably see the house on the other side of the alley.

Yeah, that's true. I can. Um, what are they up to? No, I always have their blind shut yeah i don't blame them i'd be looking if they didn't uh but i watched this whole

well you are if you know that's true that's true i am always looking for an opportunity to look more that's true um but i watched this whole scene play out with no dialogue. It was a boy dragging what looked like a ramp down the alley, all the way down the alley towards where I live. And then he set it up and then he disappeared again and had another ramp that he was bringing over. And he took so long to set this up. And the very last thing that happened was his mom ran down the alley and said, No, no, no. No, no, you're not doing the jump. But the kid had all set it up like he was going to jump off one and jump off the other.

And the mom just came screaming down the alley. There's some kids down my alley that have like a set of ramps. But they're like, you know, eight. They're not big ramps. These ramps were pretty big for a kid. And they've had them up for, since like isolation time started. That mom probably

watched him build both ramps and thought he was starting a ramp building business. And then was like, what? You're going to use them them over my dead body i thought this was you're gonna ramp through and jump over my dead body uh now in addition to overheards we talk about uh sometimes the listeners send one in if you want to send one in you can send it it in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Lloyd in Brooklyn, New York. This is a teacher,

and he's having to do during quarantine, he has to do instruction via Zoom, phone calls, and texting. The student text said, I still need help with my poem. I don't know how to put the details in it. And his text is awfully long. He's saying like, so when you're writing a poem, try to think about words you want to use. It can all be almost like acting. You close your eyes, take a deep breath and imagine what summer is like, and just goes on and on and on, uh, saying it's definitely not easy, but with practice, imagining the

world like that will make you a better writer. And the texted back yeah but can i make it easier can i just do the 575 haiku haiku uh and then yeah he was like yeah that works yeah that's permission to haiku yeah yeah yeah permission granted um it really is like i mean if you can appreciate a haiku good for you yes that's true but you're like you've been had that writer is like getting off scott free absolutely i like i i made 17 syllables and i tricked this guy into liking them thinking they're as good as any other kind of writing um yeah same with uh limericks i enjoy limericks but it just feels like it's gotta start with dantucket that's one of the rules and then the other rule is something that rhymes with nantucket

yeah um but you know there's a world of things you can discover that was that that was like a big sitcom thing when i was a kid of like limericks involving nantucket yes and just but like never mentioning what it actually rhymed with yeah and so for years i didn't know yeah it would be like the husband saying there once was a girl from nantucket and the wife going very very knock it off yeah i had to write a poem for school but i mean uh is it true about that guy from nantucket come on um and then you go to sex ed class and they're like this is you've heard about this man from nantucket we're gonna lay it all out for you um i asked mr skinner in sex class if masturbating was uh was bad and uh he said knock it off and then he carried on teaching that's a good one too yeah mark knock it off stop asking that question yeah no he wasn't asking it he was doing it that's right

oh boy uh this next one comes from a name that we have never had before grover s that we have never had before grover s grover wow yeah are you sure we haven't had a grover before i feel like i would remember it yeah it's a pretty common name what i mean in the muppet universe yes yeah and a president and a president president and then there was a kermit before the frog right there have been various Kermits yeah that's true there was President Kermit Caulfield astronaut Kermit

wow someone brought receipts someone knew his Kermit history Grover S? last name is S? yeah well it starts with s oh i don't want oh i see okay you don't say the whole thing that's like the nantucket thing yeah exactly and you um okay so this is from grover i was on a road trip see it's fun it's still fun. It's still fun. That's a fun name.

It is a fun name. I was on a road trip with my family. We stopped at a Cracker Barrel for lunch. Oh, there was a Cracker Barrel. This gets better and better, right? We forgot something for their baby, so I ran back out of the car to get it. we forgot something uh for their baby so i ran back out of the car to get it standing outside was a nicely dressed man on what appeared from a distance to be a very serious phone call as his wife looked on anxiously he hung up and started talking to his wife still very seriously as i

jogged past them all they heard the man say was wiener dog races then they hugged so what wow yeah what preceded what was so what was so stressful i've been to the wiener dog races yeah that's true every year they do them at the race track at the horse track yeah and it's the best maybe they've been applying for years and they couldn't get in their application was. Yeah, he looked at her and just said, wiener dog races. We're in. We did it. Everything we've worked for for all these years. Because you've got to explain the hug, right?

That's true. Yeah, that she's so relieved. She's overjoyed. Oh, my God. Thank God. We have so many fucking wiener dogs. They're useless without the race. Generation after generation of losers.

Useless dogs at our house. Without racing, what do you need them for? And this last one comes from Liz in New Orleans. This is an overheard from... One more question before we carry on. Okay. Why is the wiener dog? So why is that the one we race?

Because of the length? Yeah. Yeah. Cause it's silly. And they're very silly. Like, Oh, there he won by.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's actual greyhounds that people legitimately. Yes. I understand that but then we're why why of the small dogs have we chosen oh because it's long yeah it's long fun

and when it runs it it doesn't run fast it just kind of and it goes more up and down and forward and then it also makes you think of hot dogs and then they sell more hot dogs yeah you just put so you know subtly in your mind the shape of a hot dog maybe that was it maybe they were a hot dog uh company yeah and the wiener dog races finally accepted their bid and he's like wiener dog races we got the account we did it um so this last one sorry that's all right uh i enjoyed every minute of it um i liked it too this is an overheard my five-year-old in the shower i like to soap up my belly first when i take a shower me yeah me too it's a good flat surface to work with as a starting point and the daughter says you mean round surface burn oh wow yeah yeah yeah you don't

you don't think that a five-year-old has the capacity to burn but uh they're usually first on the scene what do you guys clean first uh hands i guess i remember there was a joke there was a joke on friends when they were talking like joey and chandler were arguing about like sharing stuff in the apartment and they were like what about soap chandler had no problem chandler didn't want to share anything but he had a problem sharing he didn't have a problem sharing soap and joey was like think about the first thing you wash and the last thing i washed and i was like belly it's always belly yeah you're washing your belly and you know i want you to like scrub my belly for 15 minutes and just think about nothing it's a nice little refuge from the day um yeah where do you start well technically my hands

because i'm putting soap on the hands so are you a bar yeah yeah yeah i don't use i don't use any of that squeeze stuff like a bar i like a bar in the shower keeps me honest when do you shampoo uh i put shampoo right away let it do its magic yeah yeah how about you mark see shampoo and lever and then wash the body yeah and then then i head back for uh do you condition i got a two-in-one so technically yes but i mean i'm not busting out a nice conditioning you know like a hot oil treatment or anything like that my second question follow up if you will yes do you wash your hair every day yes because if i don't i look like i've been camping for a week really yeah i get uh just my hair looks so like crazy greasy like i look like an extra out of water world or something so every day with the shampoo absolutely how about you? Every day with shampoo? Water world. No, because I've had countless hairdressers tell me don't.

Mm-hmm. To leave the natural oils in your hair every other day. But you have nice thick hair, so maybe that works. I got this really thin, wispy hair, so I don't know. I don't think the grease does not vanish, is what I'm saying. Grease is not the word in my house will this all be edited out too James yeah

we haven't included anything since porkies okay yeah good note to go out on that's where we peaked I wash my hair four times a week if you must know four out of seven four out of seven

tuesday thursday saturday and sunday thank you yeah thank you for not leaving us did you do three i did in addition to overheards that are written in we also accept your phone calls if you you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hello, Dave and Graham. This is Annie calling from Texas.

I was just in Target, and I overheard a little girl asking her mom if she could get some toys, if she could go to the toy section. And her mom said, well, we can go to the toy section, but we're not going to buy anything. And a tantrum ensued and the little girl said, well, if we're not going to buy anything, I don't want to go to the toy section. And the mom said, good choice. So then while I was in the the store i heard the debate still happening and the little girl was crying crying and she said i don't love you i wish i was with daddy i wish you were with

daddy too okay bye yeah this wish goes both ways kid yeah. Yeah, you're going to wish, I'm going to wish, I'll wish you. I'm going to wish that and a second wish, million wishes. I don't love it. Million wishes. My first wish is that. That she was with her dad temporarily. Yeah. I don't love you.

That's rough. But that's clearly a girl who's learned that love is currency yes that's right what is love currency yeah did you did your parents ever take you to a toy store as a kid like a like did you just a toy store or like yeah just a toy store because i feel like my i didn't go in a toy store because my parents would lose control of me. I would have gone apeshit. Yeah. I don't think we had them here.

Like, we had stores that had toys, but like a department store, like the toy section at Eaton's or whatever. I do remember the toy section at Eaton's, yeah. But I feel like we didn't have Toys R Us growing up. We did in Calgary. In going to America, there was a place in the mall called KB Toys. But that might have just been that mall. Yeah, the Pizza 73 of toys. I remember the Byway toy section. Oh, yes. I remember the Byway toy section oh yes which was all the byway toy section just you know

toxic plastic off-brand superb man terrible gi joseph it's the only store i still remember like i could re if you took me into a lab, I could recreate the smell. Yes. Yeah. You're very smell-based. I'm very smell-based. But I could recreate the smell of a byway in a heartbeat. If that's ever needed by science, I'm there.

What is a byway? A byway was like, it was a weird low-end. Like a giant tiger? But even worse. Yeah, even lower. weird low end, like a giant tiger. But even worse. Yeah. Yeah. Even lower. Because the shoes were in a bin.

Yeah, that's right. The shoes were in a bin. Oh, I know this kind of stuff. It's where my mom got us like, just like shirts because we just, you know, ruined shirts. There's no reason that you're going to, your mom's going to buy you a Calvin Klein shirt. You're just going to abuse it anyway. Yeah. So, by the way, it would just be like, it wouldn't even have a brand on it.

It would just have the size. Yeah. And the shoes were like, they were not good for walking or running. But they were affordable. Yeah. But they didn't work with your foot in any way. They weren't made for a foot. I don't know what they were made for,

but they were not made for a foot. They were made with a plastic that you'd make a spatula with. Yeah. They were like, oh yeah, I knew Michael Jordan had shoes. I didn't know Danny Manning had shoes. Yeah.

So it would be like your mom rooting through a bin because sometimes the shoes got separated so she would have found one year size and then she was like they were like kind of like zip tied through the grommets yeah yeah but one would get lost occasionally it was just a bin of shoes just smelling like yeah i know the smell you're talking about it is like it's i think the term is called off gassing yes is it really yeah it really is it's these plastics are like sending that scent yeah because they haven't been sealed like other products have been so they they let off the smell. It's like a dollar store smell. Yeah. It was more pungent.

Yeah. Because at least the dollar store has packaged everything, wherein the Byway was just out there. Yeah, it was just loose. Alright, here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and guest person. yes so yeah this is uh tyler from

portland and um my son um has been getting into super smash brothers on the Nintendo Switch. And he's, you know, he's a younger lad. He's 11. And he is actually very respectful in his language. But when he gets really into video games, sometimes he gets away from them a bit. And I just overheard him say, Oh, man, be a Mario boss not a Luigi bitch

anyways I don't know if that's like sexist or what but I thought it was hilarious I mean I guess it didn't occur to me in the moment yeah that's true but now that he's brought it up I guess but then

is using bitch is like you know is it only Meredith Brooks that's allowed to now that he's brought it up i guess but then is using bitch is like you know is it only meredith brooks that's allowed to have that word or other people can be called a bit but he's saying he's a luigi bitch don't be a luigi like the bitch to me is luigi not bitch right email but again i'm not an expert on this. Yeah, yeah. Everything's pretty dicey right now. I'm not going to wade into this, guys. Mary. Alright, next phone call. Here's your final phone call.

We're not touching that one. Hey, Dave, Graham, and prodigal guests. My name's Kurt from small town Manitoba, calling in with the overheard of the kids say the darndest variety i have a seven year old son and he has a brother and a sister and then a wee a wee little uh six week old brother and the other day i overheard him saying i can't believe i have another brother from the same mother

thanks I like it yeah it's uh the world is yours to discover yeah other brother undercover brother um yeah well that was good that was a nice one to end it

off on yeah we're really only getting kid ones at the moment. That's true. Everybody. Yeah. My kid said to me the other day, no offense, but I am so sick of you. I said,

dude, none taken. I, I've been sick of myself. Um, Mark. Mar. Yeah. This brings us to the end of the podcast. Oh, my God.

We did it. We did it. Have you anything that you're plugging? You your special is available. I know that you tweet about it once in a while. And it's a special that you shot yourself. Uh, right.

You, you find out. Yeah. I used a production company that had only made that special and Dave Mahajan. Oh yeah. Okay. I didn't know it was a Morgan flood and,

uh, Oh God, I am the worst at this. Uh, new metric. Nope. Not new metric metric that's who makes letter kenny um anyway morgan flood he said uh nobody's making um things and um shit can you edit this out this i can't actually it's very hard to edit this part out because it's because of the tones who he used to make comedy nouns as well oh millen millen millen yeah but i can't remember he also makes me were you on so

you think you can dance canada yes graham you can check out my comedy special made by Morgan Flood and Millen Curry, Curry Sharples and their company, which is made Dave Mahaj's special as well. And it's free on YouTube. It's Mark Ford presents Mark Ford. And it's so funny and it's nice. It's very kind of you to put it up for free on YouTube because other people charge.

I don't know if you know this, but people charge big terrible way to do it terrible way to do it make it i don't know why that is free look you might want to be dave chappelle you might want to be making a lot of money yeah yeah but not me man not me not well no way people can also see you on letter kenny as always yeah later kenny as well and uh they can also see you uh in season three of fargo where oh you can find out if yeah you can they can yeah they can see you in fargo um the funeral scene your funeral scene is very moving and i i you know i'm gonna watch it i am gonna i love season one and two what's keeping me i don't know and season four is coming out oh boy i might even you know what i might go right just skip this season four um uh also i've

on your instagram page i i was talking to you before the show there's a great uh little video of you and jonathan torrens going back and forth singing love songs to each other classic 80s and 90s love song yeah classic 80s yeah we just wanted to put something uh friendly and just sort of heartwarming at the time and then the world got worse so but I mean it was wait that's going to sound like that's going to sound like I didn't know

those bad things were happening it was just heightened this is correct well thank you so much for being on the show uh and all you listeners out there uh and by the way well but speaking of clean that part look look it's very hard to talk about anything now it's so hard that's true and we need to do better just like everyone else and so uh in the past I know that when anyone has criticized this show for, you know, dumb comedy reasons, uh, like just saying it's even like corny or whatever, uh, we've just said, well, then don't listen. Okay.

Find something else to listen to. do but but now as mark mentioned things are heightened and i worry that because i was not open to uh unimportant criticism let's say before that i was shutting the door on all criticism and but i just want people to know if we say anything on the show if we act in a way that bothers you uh let us know yeah we will work to get better and we want to have an audience that speaks out. We do not want to have an audience of just toxic white people

who want us to be edgy. Not that we... Yeah. We're very lucky that we have an audience of smart, compassionate people and I just wanted

to mention that. You can ask us anything. You can, uh, voice any concerns you have. It's funny because it's been such a weird time of learning. You think you're something and then you realize, oh,

you've been, you've been okay, but you have not been great. Yes, exactly. And there's this show is as okay as it gets. That's exactly what I was describing. Your show over the years.

You thought it was good. It's just alright. You can do better. Thank you to everybody who's listened to the show. If you like the show, you can tell your friends. Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.