Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 641 - Emily Heller

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

Comedian Emily Heller returns to talk red carpet looks, repairing glasses, and vomiting brides. Also, a nightmare neighbour update and the movie club watches Fatal Attraction.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 641 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the smooth and dulcet toned Dave Shumka. Oh, that's a lot of pressure to put on a guy. But you're one of the premier Shantuses of your generation. I am. Oh boy. who do you who would you call a shantuse uh oh i can't remember her name she's married to elvis costello oh diana crawl

diana crawl so i would say diana crawl's a shantuse for sure peel me a grape one of her big hits yeah eartha kitt probably absolutely yeah yeah does it have to be that kind of music can you be like uh a modern like as dualipa ashantis yes it's just a french word it's just a french word that means singer it's the like feminine singer oh yeah so i guess it's just any is it any female singer or is it just uh yeah i wonder what you have to lie across a piano at some point yes i wonder is if the like uh now that like language is changing and people are using different pronouns how languages like french and spanish that use everything's either masculine or feminine what they're doing about it the only thing i know

about it is that like they're using things like latinx yes but that's the only example i know of yes well i don't speak either so i'm fine english english rules so there. Our guest today, a very funny comedian, an Emmy winning comedian. Nominated. Emmy losing. Okay. Oh, no. Graham stopped reading after Emmy. If you Google your name, it says that you won in that category.

Really? So somebody's got your Google all messed up. But it's Emily Heller's our guest. Hi. How are you? Hiya. your google all messed up but it's it's emily heller's our guest hi how are you i very much lost to uh the marvelous mrs mazel and then to fleabag and i'll guess i'll let you guess which one of those i thought was more fair well i know you're a female comedian so i think i know

uh do you want to get to know us oh yeah get to know us now emily we had you on here with the question we all everyone wants to know what's it like being a female in comedy you know what's interesting is no one has ever asked me that before and as a result i've given it zero thought no fair enough yeah no i please let me change the subject as soon as possible a female who has quit comedy because i'm basically there what how does that feel does it feel as nice as i picture it would be quitting comedy honestly it feels pretty great i'm still i'm like still at the place where i'm saying like i've

i've taken a break from comedy but like right uh i don't know if if people know this but like this is not just from quarantine like i hadn't done stand-up in like a year when quarantine started um a year and a half maybe and so it was one of those things where i was like maybe and so it was one of those things where i was like nothing has changed now for me for quarantine in terms of like it has not disturbed my touring i like already had quit um and it's like preposterous to me that people have been asking me to do zoom shows oh yeah like it's not no i wasn't doing normal shows why would i do? Yeah, why would I subject myself to the worst thing on the planet? But no, I did sort of like soft quit comedy a while ago. I just was like, I'm taking a break. I haven't written anything new since I put out my album.

So like, I don't know what I would do on stage. I'll like wait till I've written. And I just like have been writing other stuff and I haven't been writing stand up. And it honestly feels great. Like, I don't feel like I have to be on Facebook anymore I don't have to like that sounds delicious yeah and I also feel like I can just talk more shit yeah that's true I can talk more shit I can unfollow people on Twitter who I was only following because they booked shows do I sound as spiteful as i intend to you're just cleaning house you know yeah it's it's nice um yeah it's been it's been good it's been i mean i definitely miss certain things about it for sure and i miss like seeing people um but it turns out i that i would be dealing with that anyway. Exactly. Just convenient all the way around. I stopped, like I during quarantine

I'm home with the kids all the time and I find I just look at my phone too much so I have started, I didn't quit Facebook but I've just unfollowed everyone who's not a member of my family. Oh, that's great. But it feels very strange to just be like

going you know opening up facebook and every time you see someone who's not your family you click unfollow and it's very strange when like they're being like thanks for all the birthday wishes unfollow obviously unfollow that person but when they're like here a, here's a charity you should donate to. And I'm like, Oh yeah, that is a good, that is a good idea. Unfollow. Unfollow. Yeah.

I took, I took Twitter off my phone day before yesterday. How's that feel being out of the Twitter verse? I mean, I'm still on it on my computer, but I'm just like, I'm not mindlessly scrolling anymore. Like I'm not just like in my hand all the time, like before bed, when I wake up, things like that.

So like, it feels like I have to opt in to feeling bad now. Yes. Which makes it slightly less appealing. Yeah. Like one thing I found is if you sign out of the apps every time you use them. Yeah. Signing back in is such a pain in the ass that you just stop and think about it more. I did that with Facebook.

Like I log out of Facebook. And so now I have to really like and it and it really worked because then I would like go to Facebook dot com and then I'd be like, what am I doing before I could get hooked? When you log out of Facebook, are they like are are you sure are you at a library they're like they're like a little bit are you sure but then they're also like hey we're pretty sure this is still you if you just click this yeah it'll still be you like there's they're basically keeping me logged in against my will because they're so evil but like because like i'll go to facebook.com and they'll be like oh hey um this is weird but like look at this profile of this person we think this

is you like maybe it'll just be easier for you to click this than to type in your password yeah well it's um uh i don't follow anybody on instagram so instagram is an output only situation for me so i don't ever have to score. Like I just see it. They'll send me an ad. That's it. That's my whole time on Instagram. What kind of ads do you get?

Just various because they don't have anything to go on. Yeah. Okay. So I follow like thousands of people on Instagram, but I also just started a second Instagram for the first time. That's just pictures of my garden okay and because I only follow like three people from that Instagram account and so as a result my feed on that one is all ads I get like basically no ads on my own Instagram but on that one it's all ads and it feels like I'm experiencing a different internet. Yeah. I think they see all those plants and they're like, this person is patient and has some time to fill.

They're trying to sell me cookware on that Instagram for sure. See, that's why not. You got all these plants. Why not? How are you going to cook up all these plants? Yeah, exactly. I'm assuming petunia. In a millennial pink crock pot is how apparently

millennial pink dutch oven is millennial pink a color yeah it's like i've got a lot of it i'm like sitting in in a millennial pink chair oh really okay is it named after the generation or i think it's like the informal name for it just because there's just so it's just an easy way to market to people our age. But you have a millennial. So the algorithm does know that you are fine with that color. Should I? My husband has kind of informally banned anything that color from like the communal spaces of our homes which i think is fair i think that that's smart i think that i'm already kind of like what did i do with this chair what did i i think that color is the same color that my mom would call shit pink or somebody it's like a soft muted pink yeah like sometimes people would paint their houses in that color

my mom really oh man oh man i definitely think it's a terrible color to paint the outside of Yeah. Like sometimes people would paint their houses in that color. My mom was so mad. Oh man. I definitely think it's a terrible color to paint the outside of your house. Yeah. And so I'm looking at where you are right now. It's a beautiful room. It's a nice room. Thank you. Yellow color and like just very nice art on the wall.

Very, you know, it's the whole thing is just like a great, pleasing to the eye thing. Now, remember your living situation last time you were on the podcast. Yes. You had a nightmare neighbor. Uh-huh. What has changed? So here's what has changed is since the last time I was on this podcast, everyone stop what you're doing and go listen to the last time I was on the podcast.

I talked about having a nightmare neighbor. We literally bought a house to get away from that guy. Holy shit. Is pretty much what happened was we were like, we cannot live here. And I didn't want to like I knew I wanted to eventually own a place, but I like didn't want to like move twice in like two years. So I was like, I guess now's the time we're going to just like buy a house. We literally bought a house to get away from that guy. And so now I have my own house and like,

I like put a lot more work into decorating it and making it look nice because we're not renting anymore. Um, I also got married like a month after I talked to you guys. Congratulations. I remember this because you were worried about you had all material that was not husband related you were gonna have to scupper that whole act yeah it was a very yeah or maybe it was like a week or something after i was on your podcast or something we got

married we had like a 10-day engagement oh wow and yeah and it was all health insurance based getting married and we got married like in the middle of like escrow on this house we had to change all our paperwork it was totally insane but um but yeah i do not live next to that neighbor anymore a slight update was like when we were moving out i went back so this guy was like a i don't remember any specifics but i remember like things were a little bit druggy and yelly and uh maybe he had rock stars over he is a minor rock star he's a minor rock he is a minor rock star i i don't think this was part of it but i'm just imagining because i you told me who it was and i'm just imagining him like throwing knives at a dirtboard or something um axes at the garage that's yes he would do like axe throwing

at the garage and so there were like two halves of the garage and his half was just like chopped up because he was like literally throwing axes at it and was the landlord like which one of you did this yeah oh my god okay i'm trying to like think back the sequence of events that happened after i was on your podcast so we decided to buy a house and move out i go back to get our deposit back and i'm like this is the first time i've seen the landlord since we moved in i'm hoping she picks up on i was like can we go outside and look at this thing in the garage because i wanted her to see what he had fucking done right so the garage i don't think she noticed at all but she decided because she doesn't live anywhere near us that she was gonna kill two birds with one stone and show the

apartment show the house to prospective tenants at the same time that i was getting my deposit back right and so the entire time there were like these people walking through and being like oh this house is so great and i'm like biting my tongue because if i say run for the hills she might be like oh i guess you're not getting your deposit back yeah so like i remember this very nice woman being like oh you're moving're not getting your deposit back yeah so like yeah i remember this very nice woman being like oh you're moving out this house is so great and i was like yeah it's it's great um yeah and then you have to speak in code like uh and i'll tell you uh i'm throwing a surprise birthday party and can i ask you your availability yeah i'm like trying to blink a code to her like

sos and morse code uh hey uh instead of renting this place you should run to the hills because the neighbor is in iron maiden that is slightly less code um but yeah so the neighbor was such a nightmare he would party all the time he was like on meth he was throwing axes at the wall and like revving his motorcycle in the middle of the night and he's also like a big trump supporter gun nut like maniac um that's well i mean nobody's perfect uh we moved out and i ran into our next door neighbor at home depot a few weeks later a different one aren't like yeah the one who lived not in the unit behind us but the one who lived next door who also hated our neighbor right uh the one who hated like the person who lived in

the back house um and she told me that the new tenant was like how come that woman didn't warn me and i was like will you please give her my number yeah because i need to apologize and i need to tell her like what's gonna what she's in for because she had a kid like she had like a two-year-old kid and so she moved in and i talked to her and um the landlord had been she started complaining to the landlord naturally because she was like this is crazy you can't make me live like this and the landlord texted me to be like did he ever have parties when you lived there and I was like yes all the time and she tried to pretend like so it was like this whole like telephone thing of like one person talking to another person but so one of the things that

happened after we moved out was in the interim period between when we moved out and the new tenant moved in he just immediately moved a rug and a couch into the garage that we had vacated our half of the garage he just immediately started partying in there like there were just like cigarette butts everywhere he had just like beer bottles and so there. Like there were just like cigarette butts everywhere. He had just like beer bottles. And so the new tenant comes and is like, what is this? And he told the landlord that we had left that stuff there. Oh, buddy.

And the landlord texted me to be like, did you leave anything in the garage? And I was like, I think maybe I left like a wrench. Like, why why what's in there and a shitty neighbor sure yeah she sent me a picture and so what i did was i went back on his instagram three years to find a photo of that rug inside his house nice and i sent it to the landlord to be like he is lying to you anyway Anyway. You're Nancy Drew. You're Nancy Drew. Yes. Yeah.

And there have been zero consequences for him. I know that the woman who moved in after us has since found a new place and moved out. Oh, good. Yeah. So I don't know what's going on, but I know he is very mad about masks. Oh, about not just Halloween masks, like wearing. No, no. He's not crazy about masks.

He doesn't love them so much. Like Paul Reiser. Yeah. Tell me why. Yeah. And I'm like, have I moved out long enough to tell your audience who he is? I don't know. I don't know. No, you no you know what i wouldn't yeah i

won't our audience our audience loves him yeah we're actually we're actually mad about masks as well you'll see that we're not wearing them um i will say i after i was on your podcast last time a couple people like tweeted at me being like i want to know who it is and i dm'd them the name so just know that is an option all right well that's i think that's wise but also i think if you just like look up like who working musicians who are like trump assholes or just search instagram for rugs it's a slower way to do it but yeah anyway i feel really really grateful that i'm not living next to that guy during a pandemic oh man can you imagine it would be horrible i mean i think that there's probably tons of people just coming and going none of them are wearing masks yes he's just like pacing up and down the driveway just just like complaining about the government.

Yeah. But that's a real that's a real divide in America. It seems that isn't quite as much up in Canada is the mask or no mask thing is really like taken off quite dramatically down there. That's interesting. There's so many ways in which even your dumb people are smarter than our dumb people like even your conservatives or like like the conservative christians in canada still believe in climate change some of them yeah i mean more so than in america i think like in america it's become this thing where it's like yeah yeah like but yeah i don't i don't understand the divide it's it's

definitely bringing out some of my best and worst qualities for sure because i'm like i'm a naturally cautious person i'm a natural rule follower right and it's driving me up a wall how many people are not wearing masks but it's also yeah i think the rule following is a big canadian thing yeah oh okay there's like an old joke of uh how do you get a bunch of canadians out of a pool and you just say the pool's closed i haven't heard that one but i like it too yeah yeah i feel like now in, you, it won't even work to like actually take a shit in the pool. Like that wouldn't get people out. There will be people who are just like,

I'm not sure that's shit. Yeah. That's where we are as a country is like literally one person just needs to say like it's chocolate and then everyone just stays in the pool. one person just needs to say like it's chocolate and then everyone just stays in the pool um another thing that's a fantastic that i wanted to ask you about was on the you did a couple really great uh red carpet things oh thank you you did a one where you had a purse that had uh that wasn't reuters what was it it was the getty images watermark yeah yeah where did you where did you get that you obviously had to special order it but

i had it custom made from this website that will just print whatever you want on pieces of clothing and it delivers it to you in like two days it's like a really dangerous website for me to know about. I'm like really mad that I know about it. But it was like, yeah, I don't remember how I thought of it. I was just sort of like, you know, tossing ideas around with my friend at a bar when I was getting ready to go to the Emmys. And I was like, oh, I should have just gotten a dress that just had like spaghetti imagesty images watermark all over it but at that point i had already bought a dress right so i was like oh i'll just do the purse and uh yeah so i ordered a purse with the getty images watermark because i knew my approach to the emmys red carpet which i think is appropriate is i need to act like i'm never going back they will never have me back at the Emmys I think I need

I do not belong there I need to acknowledge that I do not belong there but while I'm there I need to make the absolute most of it yeah and so I was like there's no way anyone's gonna want to take my picture unless I do something like this and I I ended up like i had to wait in line for the red carpet to like i out and i didn't have like a pub apparently what people do is they hire a publicist right who goes to the emmys with them and is like go here i'm gonna get this person to take your picture i was just like walking up and down just being like does someone want to take my picture and it took me so long to figure out that there was a line i needed to get in to make that happen oh to have your picture taken yes and so i stood in the line and when you when you get

in the line you tell them who you are and they write it on a whiteboard and then they hold it up for the photographers once you finally get to the front of the line and i was right in line right behind sterling k brown from this is us who like everyone wanted a hundred pictures of because he was nominated pretty sure he won and so it was like i was waiting for so long even when i was at the front of the line and then i got out in front of the step and repeat and everyone who was not a getty photographer refused to take my picture. Oh, it was like the opposite effect that I wanted to have. Cause I, in my,

in my mind, I was trolling Getty. I was saying like, listen, there's no way I'm going to ever spend money on a Getty image of myself. I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that there's going to be a watermark on every picture. So you,

you can't, you do not own me. But what happened was every other company saw it as a sign of loyalty to get images this image photographers were like oh yeah baby more over here um and then you did a thing where you you wore like a green screen i wore green screens so yeah the following year i felt intense pressure to follow up my initial stunt after you had said i i'm i'm never coming back i will never let me come back to the emmys i ate all the backstage snacks

i was like what am i gonna do this year but i also and so my thought was like maybe I'll wear a green screen gown and then I realized I had to go to a wedding the day before in Northern California so there was no way I was going to be able to walk the red carpet at the Emmys I basically had to fly up to LA on Sunday morning right I got in at like 12 12 30 and I just had to get dressed and get there like and i was just like there in time for basically the ceremony and that was it okay um and so i decided to ahead of time i ordered my own step and repeat that said the emily's on it uh same company it's an emily i just like i looked at the step and repeat from the year before and i just tried to recreate it in photoshop but i i changed the word to say emily's instead was it made by the same company that made the purse no weirdly they do not do step and repeats they had to use a

different company it was a it was honestly kind of stressful because i was like i don't know if this company is going to do as good of work. And I didn't know until this very conversation that it's called a step and repeat. Oh, yes. It's called a step and repeat. A step and repeat is the thing where it's like it's a backdrop that has a bunch of things on it. I almost set it up behind me for my Zoom call. I want to start putting them up behind me for my Zoom calls.

But so I got a green screen suit and I stood in front of that and I had Kim new money. Who's an excellent photographer. Come take photos of me. And then I told people that they could green screen my outfit and I got such amazing submissions. Like people just really went all out and I was just posting those all day instead.

That's even better. Thank you. Yeah. And I got pretty good press coverage both times, which is like literally the only way anyone would ever know that I had gone to the Emmys. So I feel like I kind of won. Yeah. And publicists hate this writer because of this one simple trick. I mean, here's the thing.

So I just finished working on season three of Barry and I have no idea when they're going to shoot it I have no idea when it's going to be released I don't know I think I have like at least 2 years to prepare for the next Emmy Awards if I am nominated for that show so I'm open to all ideas

if you have a hot idea you want to get at Emily not on facebook she's not checking facebook anymore i'm not checking facebook or if you want to know who her neighbor is get at us just tweet at me i'm at chrissy tegan yeah i can't believe you got that handle it's great i know and let me tell you I'm doing quite the long con. Yeah. And the con is to make Chrissy Teigen a beloved Internet friend to all. Oh, boy, yeah.

Yeah, she really, like, she just kind of came, for me, she came out of nowhere. I didn't know who she was. And then she was on the Lip Sync show, and she was a Twitter icon. And then she was bad-mouthed and by some cook lady yeah that's right like marie kondo i will say like the one i feel like the theme of the last couple years is me being surprised who my friends are and who my enemies are in terms of public figures you know what i mean where i'm like guy fieri surprising friends yeah you know jk rowling jk rowling surprising foe yeah what if i was like jk rowling surprising best friend i agree with her on everything and i want her to keep speaking up uh yeah no it's it's it's just been like a constant re-evaluate and i'm like oh yeah one of the

funniest women on twitter is a like bikini model from sports illustrated like yeah okay fine the world is absolutely upside down but yeah i needed to learn these lessons apparently yeah the uh i don't understand jk rowling's compulsion to keep adding things into the Harry Potter universe that weren't part of it. And she's like, I have no problem with that. I don't like her compulsion to add things to the regular universe. Yeah, exactly. That also is a fair point. But I will say it is like the former makes the latter more hypocritical where she's like

you can't change your gender it's like you decided 10 years after the books were over that wizards use their wands to get rid of their poop like what's your issue with someone changing their pronoun and she wrote those in a coffee shop. Like, shouldn't she have that? Should have crossed her mind back then. I don't want to have to ask for the key again. It's like, I think you're thinking of a catheter. Wizard's catheter. All right. Yeah.

Oh, oh boy. Anyway, thank you for bringing up the. Oh, yeah. Of course. Getty Images watermark. All right. Yeah. Oh, oh boy. Anyway. Um, thank you for bringing up the, Oh yeah. Of course. Watermark. I don't know. I don't have anything more to say about it.

Um, how is, uh, how has it been for you in your new house during all the quarantine business? How are the new neighbors? The new neighbors are pretty good. We've got a, uh,

I'm trying to like avoid my reputation as being the cranky old lady who complains about her neighbors. Cause we do have a little bit of a neighbor issue, but again, perspective, it's all fine. We have a, there's like a daycare next door that hasn't shut down.

And I'm like, really want to tattle on them. Cause I'm like, none of the parents wear masks and they really bother me when I'm gardening. Yeah. You know what? tattling i have never been a big fan of it but when you do it it's a lot of fun yeah i wish there was someone

to tattle to other than the cops yeah well you could write a scathing blog these are some alternatives you could make a sign that makes them angry i've thought about signs i could make to make them angry but um i the main thing is like i've been getting really into gardening and that was happening before quarantine so i already had like a big quarantine project set up which was like i've been redoing my garden at my house and like growing vegetables and and fruit and stuff and so that has just been like where i've been funneling all of my anxiety and stress and rage is to just like pulling weeds and like, I think it'll show up in the flavor of the vegetables. They'll be able to taste the spite.

And I really hope so. I really do. Some people sing to their plants and I just like show them Twitter. And it's just going to make, they're going to all be like pre pickled. I don't, I won't even have to pickle them. They're just going to be like bitter and briny.

And, um, but yeah, it's, it's been okay. I've been like, I, I don't mind not seeing people.

Is that a fucked up thing to say? I feel like guilty about how little I miss people. Do you guys? No, no. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind not seeing people. Is that a fucked up thing to say? I feel like guilty about how little I miss people. Do you guys? No, no. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have kids.

So that's might be why. Yeah. Yeah. I would definitely love them to see people. I'd love to have them just like go into a room full of other kids if that were possible. Yeah. I imagine when you're a parent, one of the things that you want more than anything

is just like another adult to just like make eye contact with to be like when things are going off the rails to be like... You see this? You see this, right? Yeah. You know, all these different phases

that everybody's going through, the phase one to phase two, phase three or whatever. What phase is a ball pit opening back up? Oh, like those were bad idea before done forever. Right? Like no more ball pits for anybody.

I mean, it's gotta be not coming back, but who knows? That's I, I mean like, well, cause the only place they have them is like, uh,

Ikea. Yeah. They have them in Ikea. And Chuck E. Yeah. They have one in Ikea. And Chuck E. Cheese. Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah. And Ikea opened back up, but I don't think the ball pits have opened up.

Yeah. But they, they must not, right? No, they could, they can't. But like,

I remember Ikea opened up elsewhere in the country where, where they were still having outbreaks and they wouldn't open here. I'm like, I need some mustard. Some mustard from Ikea? Yeah, that's where i buy my mustard it's a long way to go but he really likes this mustard i buy my mustard i buy my oh i have literally an ikea shopping list oh i like their cheese i'm like but i don't eat as i will never eat at the cafeteria had there yeah oh yeah i like their ziploc bags okay that makes more sense let's see uh

uh no that's about it does ikea mean something different in canada like are we thinking of the same place oh yeah it's our ikea is your walmart uh they had to rebrand up here uh and everybody's very excited about ikea no they've got i they've got a good little grocery department okay huh i don't know if we have that here our ikea has just like i don't know if this is a universal situation but like i ordered something from ikea a couple months ago and i basically just realized it's never coming it's not gonna happen they said it was gonna be delivered on june 2nd and then i couldn't reschedule the delivery until like three months later and i also can't cancel it and i called the number to be like can i cancel this and they're like so we're really busy and we're

just taking no calls and they just like hung up on me yeah customer service is over yeah i was like ikea just quit they just quit being ikea i guess i don't know what's going on i'm trying not to complain about anything like that i'm just like i've just been very much like you know what we're all going through something right now yeah absolutely you'll get your mustard when you get it. What did you order? I ordered a bench for my garden. Nice. And I've already gotten a new bench because I didn't want to wait. Yeah, fair enough.

You're like Paula Cole. What's your favorite thing in your garden? Plant-wise. I know the bench. Yeah, the bench for sure is the favorite. The bench is pretty good. I've also got a hammock. Whoa. You know, it's interesting because things are seasonal.

So like I have some things that will be there forever. And then some things that I'm like, I'm growing now. In winter, I really like growing broccoli, but I have to wait to grow it again. Right now, I've got some tomatoes going that are starting to ripen. I grew some artichokes which is like nice amazing to watch that happen i don't know if you've ever seen what it looks like yeah yeah do they grow out of the ground or off of a vine or i have they grow in a bush okay and they're called like super thistles is like another name for them because they're flowers they're like thistle flowers and if you

let them keep growing they open up and the like you know the like little purple stuff on the inside that's like the flower if you look at like when an artichoke opens up it's like this purple like fuzzy thing i i ate them i didn't let them open but yeah um i also that would be funny to get somebody at a flower arrangement that's mostly artichokes. Mostly artichokes, yeah. Some baby scrap, but mostly artichokes. That's the thing is like, I'm learning all this weird stuff about plants

because pretty much everything we eat also has a flower. Right. Like artichokes are a flower, but then like all of this stuff, like broccoli has a flower right like artichokes are a flower but then like all of this stuff like broccoli is a flower right a lot of this is just stuff we're eating before it flowers and then like zucchini and stuff is like basically like a dump that a flower takes like like cucumbers have like a flower on the end of them when you pick them like a shriveled up little flower um and also like you know when something is done growing if it's like okay fuck this i'm out of here then it turns into a flower so that it can spread seeds

and die right and so something like if you just let things flower they'll just flower but you can't eat them anymore they're like it's such a weird thing where like certain plants will just when they bolt to seed is what it's called they said like they just start growing really tall and they put out flowers and then if you try and eat them they taste terrible like how do they know to turn their taste terrible yeah that happens? I mean, if we lived in a more cannibalistic society, I would try to make myself as untasty as possible. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But they're like, they want to get eaten. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I guess they're asking for it. Maybe I'd want to be eaten in a cannibal society. Maybe that would be the ultimate achievement is being eaten by somebody. I definitely don't understand anyone who says they want to try and survive the zombie apocalypse yeah who who wants that yeah i'm like i will give up immediately and just become a zombie and then it's over and yeah i don't want to survive any of the apocalypses no but the zombie apocalypse that would be funny because they used to have like chicken pox parties where you brought a kid in they all got infected oh yeah they'd have zombie parties that you go over and then the zombie just bites everybody

when do you were you vaccinated for chicken pox or did you get chicken pox i got chicken pox was there a vaccine back then i don't think so you had to get it i don't think there is there is now is now. Is there? I was like, oh, yeah, when are our kids going to get chickenpox? And my wife was like, oh, no, they were vaccinated. Oh, it's measles, right? What is chickenpox? I sound so stupid right now. Oh, chickenpox is like.

There's a measles vaccine, too. They're like red, red itchy dots all over your butt. Yeah, you get them in. No, but I mean, like, I know what chickenpoxx is, but like, I know that it's also, it is also like measles or some other disease that we have. Or is it mumps or something? It's a cousin of, I think it's a cousin of measles,

but less, less. It's a, it's a herpy. It's a, it's a type of one of, Oh, it's shingles.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Virus anyways. And I got it as a kid i also i'm like i don't know if i got i didn't get all my vaccines as a kid i had to go get them as an adult oh really my parents are hippies and they just like truly did not remember which ones they got

me and when and i think my pediatrician died a long time ago and so i had no record of any of it and he was buried with your records I think my pediatrician died a long time ago. And so I had no record of any of it. He was buried with your records. Yeah. It was all just like woven into a dream catcher at some point. It was so nice back then when you could just be like, oh, my parents are hippies. They're not anti-vaxxers. They're just forgetful. I mean, they were kind of anti-vaxxers.

I don't know how they feel about it now. I think at the time they were just like, this is what we think is best now. And it seems like the government is killing the leaders of the Black Panther Party. So I also don't trust them about vaccines. It's like there's a part of it that was a little bit reasonable at the time because they didn't have the Internet. But point is, you can just go get them as an adult. And so what did you have? Do you remember the,

the battery of things you had to get it for? I got them. I got them all. I got an MMR. I got measles, mozzarella. I got like hep a hep C. I have a book somewhere with it all written down,

but it was one of those things where like I was planning a trip to a country where I needed to get a bunch of shots anyway. And I was like, do I have diphtheria? Uh, yeah. get a bunch of shots anyway and i was like do i have diphtheria uh yeah the only one that i knew i had gotten at least one of was tetanus because i stepped on a nail when i was 10 and i knew they gave me a tetanus shot in my butt when i was 10 but i don't know if i followed up on that later

on but so yeah and i got tetanus and i got and it made me, they all made me feel terrible. I felt so ill afterwards. Yeah. They hurt really bad. You have to get tetanus every couple of years or something. Because I have gotten it every time I've injured myself. I've had to go and get a tetanus shot. I think it's like every five or ten or something. I think it's ten years.

Do I have to go get another tetanus shot? I really don't want to. Well, do something fun first. H then go yeah get one if you're getting like if you travel again get tetanus which i'm not getting a shot otherwise they'll just give it to you they'll just give it to you at the hospital when you cut your hand on an ikea glass that's what happened to me was it a glass mustard jar or it was just like a normal? It was a mustard glass. Yeah.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, Graham, I told you a story a few weeks ago. Now, a story's a stretch, but a few weeks ago, when the weather was nice in the spring, I took the kids to the beach and I came home and my glasses were a little smudged and i i wiped them down with my shirt and there was a uh a grain of sand on my glasses and i scratched my glasses and i was like oh it's okay but then i like wore them and got headaches and so i uh wore different glasses for a while and i finally emailed my optometrist and i because they have a a glasses shop attached it's a doctor's office

but they will they i bought these glasses on the internet and i was like i don't want to send them away and right whatever so i emailed my optometrist and they're like well if you're gonna come in and have your glasses fixed or uh your lenses replaced why why not have an appointment and get your eyes checked again? And I was like... Get a nice neck rub while you're... Yeah. I was like, I don't want to go into a...

I don't want to do any appointments where someone's touching my face, basically. Yeah. You guys know why I don't want to do that. What do you mean? The fact that I had to email you to ask for this appointment because you're closed is reason enough uh and so i i emailed a glasses store and they were like sure uh here here you have to make an appointment now we don't do walk-ins but come on in and so i went in and they were like just not listening to me at

all uh i was like so i scratched right here they didn't even look where it was scratched they were like well we're replacing your lenses and i was like lenses i just only one of them is broken and they they were just like no it's uh we had just for like the pupillary distance it's better if we do both that's like that sounds like a made-up word there pupillary sounds like yeah uh you know the pupillary and so they they they you're catalytic converters shot also oh okay i mean i don't know much about glasses so i went in and the person there was wearing a mask and like a like a well a full welder's mask. Face shield. Yeah. And went, went and like drew, had me look,

look at the bridge of my nose and they drew where my pupils were on my existing lenses. And I was like, Oh, okay. I was so, they were just like, not really communicating with me very well.

They were like everything I asked for. They put marker on the glasses that you yeah went in with okay so i've ruined those glasses forever and they were like they're like now we're definitely replacing yeah and they were like um uh here's what it'll cost and it's like 125 dollars and i'm like geez for two lenses so like that's 250 dollars and uh so i and only one of the lenses is scratched and and so i i was like afraid to even ask any more questions i was like just here's my money and i'll go but i asked so uh how long does it take to replace the lenses? And they said, well, we say three, but it's usually two. And I didn't know what they meant, hours or days. Or weeks.

And I was afraid to ask. I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, no, two is better. But yeah, three is reasonable. And so I didn't know if they meant two o'clock two o'clock yeah what if they were like it's usually three months but with this case sometimes it's two years um so i went this was before i went away for a week and then i went away

and i hadn't heard from them and i came back and another week went by and I was like I emailed them, didn't hear a response. I called them which is much worse For you or for them? For me Yeah, if you can avoid a phone call, if there's any possible way to avoid a phone call. Well I called them

I called the number on the receipt of the little piece of paper they gave me I called the number on the receipt of the like little piece of paper they gave me i called the number and they were like oh you this isn't the right location so they just had the general phone number on the receipt oh my god so i called the other place and they eventually were like oh actually they're ready they they just today they're ready. So it was two weeks. Huh. Okay. To replace. And it was 125 total. Oh. So I was like, oh yeah, that's reasonable.

The, there's like, I feel that way when I go. It was a wonderful experience. I feel like I, there's gotta be a phenomenon happening now where like businesses like that, and maybe it's different in Canada because you guys are handling the coronavirus better than we are in America. But I just feel like businesses like that are probably charging a tax because they're like, we know you're going to pay money for this in-person interaction to be over as

soon as possible. That's right. The also, the thing is like, I don't know if you've ever had this where you go to the doctor about something that's been going on forever like you have like a bump or something and they say like how long have you noticed the bump there and in your head like you're like two years uh but you kind of settled it like two weeks is that reasonable is that reasonable you don't trust

your own memory you don't want to be like what if i'm wrong and what if it's new like yeah i'll just say two weeks because that's plausible deniability yeah yeah but why do you do that like what well yeah i have no idea i should be getting any bump that happens checked out right i should have but i don't want to go to a doctor now so i don't know is there like yeah i know Is there a guy online who will look at stuff for you? Because I have when I go to my doctor, they have a sign that says the doctor will see you about three issues. So like you have to you can only save up three things you want to talk to the doctor. Oh, my God.

Wow. Yeah. Because whenever I go to the doctor and they're like, so is anything else happening? And I'm like, you don't have to stretch for time. This is fine. What else is going on? Oh, I always need them to ask me and then I always forget

the main thing that I went there for. I'm like, oh shit, my bleeding wound. Why was I asking about my diarrhea? I know I have diarrhea. I've had diarrhea my whole life. It's just who I am. It's because I eat wrong things and i don't want to change zucchini which is another plant's shit so that's been the extent of my uh adventures this week adventures out of the house i saw i saw those are all pretty good adventures what's up with you

again not much because i the one thing i did this week that was like an outdoor activity was i went to a friend's birthday in a park so that everybody could be like six feet away from each other which is makes talking to anybody else in the circle impossible. Yeah. You can't have a conversation. You can't even lip read if you're wearing the masks, too. That's right. And, like, I don't usually go to the park. Like, that's a rare thing that I'll go and do.

Well, who's feeding the ducks? I got a guy. I'm contracting that out. Yeah. But. It's just like a postmate. Just like you're paying the task rabbit but like now i wonder is this what i'm going to be doing for the the whole summer am i going to

have to go to a park every time that something's going on and should i buy some kind of chair is my question like sitting on the ground sucks so much tell me about what your current outdoor space at your home is like because I'm into buying outdoor furniture just in general right now I have no thing I've been shopping for a lot I'm just in an apartment so I don't have any outdoor amenities I have nothing okay no patio no roof no nothing no yeah you look right onto the the alleyway though yeah i do look onto the alleyway so i get to see that sounds beautiful it is it's nice i get to see kids uh learning to ride their bike and a dog that's always barking so yeah i don't know if i'm gonna have to get into uh like just go all the way into

the park situation park guy yeah just become a park guy and like buy some kind of hat that's good for like not a good investment is like a a chair that like a camping chair that yeah you know umbrellas out yeah here's the thing you buy it now let's say coronavirus ends you don't need to go to the park anymore wait like 30 years until you're an old man and then you'll just put it on your porch yes this is perfect plan you'll you'll use it yeah what that's probably true like i probably will use it but uh it's just weird i've never been in this position before nobody ever wanted to meet me in a park before yeah i wondered like is it is there a status thing would you feel weird if you were

the only one with the nice chair no i would feel very rich you like yeah you're like you're like the king of the park party yes you have a chair yes um i think that's a great move you have one we have one we We have one. Here's what we have for a park setup. I mean, picnic blankets out the wazoo. Sure. We've got one of those chairs, and it's got a little mesh cup holder. Oh, yeah.

Yes. Do they even make them without the mesh cup holder anymore? I don't know. I don't know what they do. Yeah. We also have a semi-tent. Okay. For shade.

Oh, is that like, I know you had one for the kids that was like a castle looking thing. Oh, we had like a little Ikea circus tent. Yes. But no, we have like a weird, like, I don't even know the practical application other than to, you put your stuff in it to weigh it down so it doesn't blow away. Yes. And that's it. You can't fit in it to weigh it down so it doesn't blow away yes and that's it you can't fit in it it's like half a tent um yeah so i don't know uh i don't know if i'm gonna be a park guy

and then when emily was talking about the neighbor that had the uh mega hats or flag or whatever uh i went on a walk with alicia tobin past guest alicia tobin and alicia at one point said oh do you want to see uh randy quaid's house because he lives in vancouver so we walked and it was way out of our distance i was like yes of course i want to see randy quaid's house oh my god and where does he live he lives in kind of like a ritzier area i don't know what the name of it is but it's like bigger houses and he lives in one of them and he has a giant uh trailer out front like a like a rv which is right out of christmas vacation and maybe out of independence day too yeah out of independence day as well so he's released it might have been the one from independence day and it has a

mega flag in the window and apparently everybody's pissed everybody especially it's especially crazy to have a mega flag when you're not in America. Well, especially because he ran away from America because he's a conspiracy guy, isn't he? Isn't that why? But run back. If it's the way you like it now, go back. Yeah. I think there was a warrant out for him. He's waiting for it to be great again. Yeah, he's

waiting for it again. It's in process. I love visiting the homes of famous people who don't live in la yes when i was in ireland david o'doherty took me to see anya's house whoa she lives in a castle of course she's bad yeah yeah on the orinoco and bono's house too they live kind of close to each other what a neighborhood my goodness yeah who who else could even live in that neighborhood apparently one of them was uh had salman rushdie at their house for a while or something but uh

he was crashing he was a house guest of ono or something yeah um so there's so there's that randy quaid's house and then finally the thing that's been going on uh after the day is done and i'm just randomly googling my favorite new thing to google is uh either grooms or brides vomiting because there's lots of videos of people fainting at the altar but i was like let's see if we can kick this up a notch and they're vomiting during the ceremony? Yes. Or is it like, oh. The best one is where the officiate, officiate?

Efficient. Efficient. Pukes on the book that she's holding. Are these all videos? These are videos. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Oh, I was just picturing a photo. Yeah, because the photographer is there. I was going for videos. But I imagine the picture, the Google image search is pretty rich. Yeah. But it's surprising how many times it's happened and on tape and then somebody's uploaded it to the internet. Graham, I'm worried that this is like a gateway drug for you.

I mean, I have always thought. What do you think it's going to lead to? Diarrhea brides. Those white dresses. Well, because like around Christmas time, I like to look up, like if there's a kid's choir or like a pageant

and one kid pukes during that. It was like, I think that was my gateway. Wait, so do you look this up before Christmas to get in the Christmas spirit? Yes, yes. Or do you wait until after Christmas to see to get in the christmas spirit or do you wait until after christmas to see what new ones oh yeah it's a little bit of one and the other i do want to get myself ready in the christmas mood what are the best what are the best uh and i'm i'm gonna apologize in advance to the listeners what are the best vomit holidays

oh halloween's gotta be up there? Yeah, Thanksgiving when you eat too much. Thanksgiving, yeah. That's true. People, I mean, there's going to be people who have stopped listening to the podcast because of this. Because they are like so anti-vomit. Like they can't deal with it. And I remember seeing a while ago, I don't remember how I saw this tweet. But someone had tweeted at pete holmes can you please tell me if there

are any vomit scenes in this season of crashing on hbo so i know not to watch that episode like they were like i'm gonna tweet at the star of the show yeah yeah yeah so he can answer this question for me it would have been great if he did. If he took time out of his day. There was a, like there's a website. I think it's does the dog die.com. And at the start it was just that. Right.

And now like you look at it, it's got categories for everything. That's so, I mean, I have to imagine when, when the movie, a dog's purpose came out, that website just exploded because that movie is just

dog death after dog death and barfing every dog dies but they all go to heaven so it's fine no they get reincarnated oh that's their purpose yeah the the movie is about a dog that keeps getting reincarnated so it's like every time it's a new dog and then that dog dies like every chapter of that movie is ends with a dog death wow and so dogs just keep getting they just keep getting reborn as other dogs yeah and then like and then at the end of the movie it's so crazy at the end of the movie he finds his owner again like this dog that was owned by this guy when he was like a teenager has now been reincarnated so many times and then he like meets his owner again as an adult and he has to convince his owner that he's the same dog for some reason and is that owner dennis quaid yes wow brother of brother of randy quaid and so he does this

like special trick that he had taught him as a kid and he's like he looks at the dog and he's like bailey is that you he's lost his mind you're going crazy it's so insane uh now on the subject of pets dying thank you yeah uh dave did you watch fatal attraction this week did uh did graham tell you we were watching fatal attraction this week he did and i considered watching it because i have not seen it and then i didn't watch it yeah fair enough yeah you're gonna get it probably spoiled for you but here you you go. Okay. Yeah. Graham and I started a movie club.

Well, this month is all about, boy, I'll say it, erotic thrillers. Erotic thrillers. Okay. Emily would want to hear about this. Yeah. I mean, I am a pretty outspoken opponent of both thrills and eroticism, so I'm prepared to be very mad here it comes um i did watch it i'd never seen it before graham you watched it last week had you seen it before

no i hadn't seen it before um and it's but it's like a very famous movie yeah it's the one where you see your crotch right no that's basic instinct oh no that's basic instinct okay well then i have no idea what movie this is this is a movie starring glenn close and okay michael douglas uh and i like any movie where either richard gear or michael douglas is in trouble i like that's a genre film i like and uh yeah i can't get enough of it so this was definitely right up my alley. Yeah. Pretty woman is, Oh boy. What a thrill, right? Yeah. Um, so it's, it's basically the plot is, uh,

uh, Michael Douglas meets Glenn close at like a swanky dinner or something. He's married, uh, to Ann Archer, who I don't know who that is, but it's one of those names that people who are much older than me say with the confidence that i'll know who it is yes yes yeah but you know like ann archer or bonnie bedelia yeah i'm like oh yeah of

course um and uh his name is dan gallagher uh which was the name of a guy in canada who used to have a game show on much music oh yeah right you remember they talk about that in the movie it doesn't come up but it you know it's implied yeah and he cheats on his wife with glenn close who seems at the time to just be some cool lady that he does seem really cool she lives in a cool a very cool loft apartment she's got one of those elevators that you have to close the door for yeah and it catches a little bit and you're like i bet you it catches at the wrong time uh-huh while they're having sex in the elevator wait one of those elevator like where you have to like pull the thing closed okay yeah and she's at first she's very like hey this is just we're having a we're having a crazy affair just a cool chick yeah i'm just you know this is not gonna and he's like a yuppie and she's like

d snyder it's like yeah it's sort of like a it's like a video it's like yeah yeah so she's cool and then i can't remember like then he keeps he keeps seeing her for a spell he doesn't yeah his wife has gone out of town to look at a place in the upstate or maybe connecticut hamptons yeah a place a place for them to buy like to move out of the city okay and so he stays in town and hangs out with glenn close and they listen to opera. Yeah, that's right. Which is not a thing. Are you sure? Because I've been watching a lot of Frasier and I'm pretty sure.

Have some sherry, listen to opera. Yeah. And so they hang out, they have more sex. And then he's like, okay, I got to go. And she's like, no, please stay. And he's like, no i gotta go and she's like no please stay and he's like no i'm sorry i i gotta go and she's like wait come here and she slits her wrist that's right yeah she very dramatically slits her wrist to get him she's like this is the fail safe this is the nuclear option here we go yeah and then he stays but not for a super long time but he stays but also like he bandages her up but they don't go to the hospital like i've never you you need stitches if you slit your

wrist yeah yeah yeah but you know then also it'd be a lot easier to get away from her if you're like she's in the hospital now cool i'm out of here. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't get any of the officials involved because they think he's afraid of getting caught. Oh, yeah. So he hangs out with her a bit more, and then that's it. The relationship is over. Or is it?

Yeah. She shows up at his work in the biggest, leatheriest coat ever. And it was so big, and you're like, oh, she must be naked under there. She's planning some naked thing. But no, it's just a style style choice it's just a thing where they're like we all live in the matrix yes there was a time when that was just normal clothes yeah and then i don't remember the sequence of events that happen after that she won't stop calling him yeah he's hanging out with his family and then that just shows what she's doing she's sitting in her apartment turning the light off and on yeah so she's like she's uh

certifiable yeah and then she says she's pregnant oh that's right and then she's in the 80s didn't wear condoms and she says it's yours for sure because uh I only have crazy affairs one at a time. And, and then what is he like, is he willing to pay her off or what? He's trying to convince her to, he wants to get the borscht. Yeah.

The borscht. And she's, she's not into it. She wants to keep the kid. And yeah. And she like records this, this tape for him of like, I now that i'm pregnant i can feel you growing inside me you're part of me and it's just like she's going off the rails and he's driving they bought a house in the hampt or whatever upstate yeah so he's he's

driving from the city he listens to this tape the whole time that's right he's driving from the city. He listens to this tape the whole time. That's right. He's listening to her threat tape. I get 30 seconds into this, I throw it out the window. Yeah, it's like a mix tape, but of awfulness. And then does she kind of vanish for a bit and then reappear? Sort of, yeah. And then he's bought his his daughter a rabbit when they moved to the um yes move move to the country and uh the rabbit disappears it's

boiling in a pot yeah okay so glenn close has broke into the house killed the rabbit put it in a pot filled the pot yeah boiled it let it overflow and then she kidnaps the daughter oh that's right yeah but just takes her to an amusement park yeah they just go on a nice day day trip uh yeah just those things get raised and raised and raised until they have to have a confrontation yes and i won't spoil it. That's, I guess, all I want to spoil. But it's just really like such a, it just felt like a very horror movie for like rich yuppies. Yeah, it was. It feels like there is like a genre for a while of like, women are so crazy and why can't we just have sex with them?

Yes. Why are there consequences? It's actually a genre of movie in the 80s where it was like, God, I just wanted to do this very basic human thing of using a woman for sex and it somehow backfired on me. It does.

The movie very much plays like a morality tale. Like, this is why you don't cheat. This is like the type of movie that Tyler Perry is still making. Oh, really? Kind of, yeah. Like, all his movies are about people having an affair and then like every horrible thing happens to them as a result and they all deserve it.

Is Richard Gere in any of these? Because that sounds like it's right up my alley. Is Madea? This movie was nominated for six oscars what including best picture wow what did it lose to do you know it lost to the last emperor okay um it'd be like all the movies that were nominated i had not seen uh like i feel like i have a big blind spot for 80s uh good movies like i went back and i've seen all the like teen comedies from the 80s i've seen all the comedies from the 80s all the like

whatever you know young steve martin and and uh young steve gutenberg yes but i i feel like i have a big blind spot for like what were were grownups watching in the 80s? Yeah, because I think I have a knee jerk resentment of anything that my parents wanted to watch that was like not for kids. Yeah, right. So anything that came out for grownups in that time period, I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, like I just recently I watched, I thought MASH was always because of the TV show. It was like, this is for adults. There's nothing in it it for me and so i thought the movie was the same as that and i watched the movie and it's fucking amazing is it i never watched either yeah but i did have

like a knee jerk like the the cheers theme song always i hated it and it made me not want to watch cheers because i was like this could not be for any older of people it's like for the oldest people in the world yeah it's for people older than you and then it but it's like got nostalgic it's for people older than them yeah um uh it's a great like the the opening to cheers where there's like the names come up the actors names come up next to old timey people who kind of looked like them yeah that's pretty impressive though yeah yeah i that would have been a fun uh image search and they didn't even have google image search how did they do it yeah yeah they have to go to the library steal a book of old timey photos it's also interesting when then they introduce new characters and they're like oh there's gonna be a new picture in the opening thing. Yes.

One other thing about this movie is when the American Film Institute did their list of the top heroes and villains of all time, Glenn Close's character was the seventh best villain of all time. Wow. And then her other character, Cruella Della deville where did she fall on the list oh i didn't see her on i don't know if she's on there but like she's she's not as big a villain as darth vader yeah or like mr potter from it's a wonderful life but she's a they said she was a better villain than the shark from jaws yeah because the shark was just following his uh his heart uh and she wasn't that's true she was following her shark was a little bit more predictable that's he would just be like i you're in a boat and i want

to chomp you but her it's like i love you i'm gonna kill your rabbit like yeah it's more of a rain it's like if the shark kept calling the guys on the boat and saying where are you yeah yeah i'm gonna kill myself if you don't marry me um so yeah i liked it did you like it i loved it i thought it was great it was very it was like suspenseful and uh she's great i think it's probably one of the first things she came to i think that was a fun role to play. Yeah. And she played it very well. She wasn't cartoony or anything like that. She was very,

she's very good at it. Yeah. And she, well, cause she was later, I mean, in this movie, she's the other woman,

but later she was the wife. That's right. Yeah. Oh, in the movie, the wife. Yeah. I assume she was.

So we got, I get screeners because i'm in the writers guild of america i'm also so i i vote for like movie awards too now and so i get screeners of movies and they sent me like 10 copies of the wife or something it was like i felt like i had accidentally signed up for a mailing list that's just they send you a dvd of the wife once a week for the rest of your life i could not stop them from sending me dvds of the wife because then i also was getting someone else's dvds for a while so i got like i got two and he got two i just had so many uh maybe and i never watched it maybe the company that put it out were bigamists.

And they're like, you can have seven or eight wives, huh? What do we, side note. Yes. So we have to choose our next erotic thriller. This, by the way, the eroticism was very early on and then just thrills. Yeah. They had a weird sex scene, like, where she was sitting on the uh sink and she accidentally turned the sink on and then just starts like splashing water onto her butt

yeah yeah yeah that feels like someone like heard about women masturbating in the bath and then was like i'm gonna do no more research i've got to guess. But I'd be so worried about reaching. Like, she's not looking in the sink. She's just reaching her hands. And I'd be worried about cutting my hand on a knife. Yeah, or just splashing a bunch of. Oh, it's a kitchen sink? I just assumed it was a bathroom.

Oh, no, it's kitchen. Kitchen, yeah. Oh, you don't cut things up in the bathroom? Why do you have knives in your sink? I whittle the soap. Yeah. I think the next one that we should watch, and I'm just basing this on a movie I've already seen just a week ago,

because I went on a real tear of these erotic thrillers, Single White Female. That's what I was going to say. Oh, I feel like I should see that based on how much i reference it i thought i saw when i was about 15 or 16 um but yeah i'll watch that again yeah okay like i was i was my side note was uh so we'll do erotic thrillers for a month or whatever and then do we want to just like i wouldn't mind just doing a movie club where we watch grown-up movies sure from when we were kids yeah that's an okay i like

that idea yeah just what your parents were watching yeah yeah i like that yeah also uh the other note i had was you know how sean bean has the most like on-screen deaths yeah uh does michael douglas have the most on-screen thrusts he might have the most on-screen threats he's definitely got like some great butt shot movies where uh because he yeah he's not afraid to show it off no um i do not find him attractive at all no well he's too old for you yeah even though when he was like young like i'm like there's something weird about his face to me i don't know why yeah but it's just like i i've never bought it and the fact that like katherine zeta jones married him i'm like i don't belong to the same species as you

this is like logical and you're i don't know i don't get it it's one of those people that i don't get it. He's one of those people that I don't get. And I can't, I bought it baffling to me, but yeah, to me, it's just, he's in movies where he's in a lot of trouble. And I love that genre of movie where it's like pompous, shitty guy gets it in over his head. And a lot of bad things.

Game. Yes. The game. Absolutely. Game is like the ultimate in like, like just, uh, idle rich. Yes. Yeah game. The game, absolutely. The game is like the ultimate in like, like just idle rich. Yes.

Yeah. I'm bored with how great my life is. Yeah. The game is one. Can someone please try to kill me or something? Should we move on to some overheards? Please. I started listening to Ono, Ross and carrie shortly after i broke my arm and the doctor had told me i'd never walk again i couldn't get my book started i was lost honestly i knew it was time to make a change there's something about oh no ross and

carrie that you just can't get anywhere else. They're thought leaders, discoverers, founders. I'd call them heroes. Ross and Carrie don't just report on French science, spirituality, and claims of the paranormal. They take part themselves. They show up so you don't have to. But you might find that you want to. My arm is better.

I can walk again. I wrote an entire book this weekend. It's terrible, but I did it. Just go to MaximumFun.org. Thank you, Ross and Carrie. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie is just a podcast. It doesn't do anything. It's just sound you listen to in your ears.

All these people are made up. Goodbye. Overheard. Overheard's a segment in which you, maybe if you're lucky enough to get out in the world at all uh that you hear out there in the world or you see out there in the world uh and then you uh report them here to the podcast and we always like to start with the guest emily do you are you lucky enough to have one do i have an overheard um i don't know if this counts but a

new weird thing that has started happening ever since quarantine is that my husband has started uh laughing in his sleep wow this is someone who has never talked in his sleep before really this is like a brand new thing that's like a brand new thing and i have no there's no conclusion to draw other than he is the architect of the coronavirus in his sleep he is pleased at how his plan is going like i don't know how else to interpret it i i uh my wife used to tell me that i would occasionally talk in my sleep but she sleeps much deeper than i do so she would never hear it or she would rarely hear it and so i downloaded this app that it like records you all night but it throws throws it out like throw it doesn't keep everything it doesn't like it only records when there's like a change

yeah and then you get like a oh yeah like a readout the next morning of like you you made eight noises last night but most of them were just like nothing like you would it wasn't even words it wasn't even sounds it would just be like it must have heard me move and then it did something but but i uh yeah so i stopped stopped caring about that did you ever need did you ever find out like things that you said or was it just my wife remembers once during the 2000 election uh we've been together a long time uh i i was talking in my sleep about ralph nader thank you for making such safe seat belts no it was literally don't forget the group don't forget about the green party ralph nader oh my god early on into my relationship with my husband i like i was talking in my sleep and what i said was and i'm gonna show my. And I woke myself up saying that,

and it woke him up too. So it was like, he heard me say it, and then all of a sudden we were making eye contact with each other. And I knew what I had said, because it woke me up as I was saying it, and I remembered the dream. And he was like, what did you just say? And I was like, I said,

and I'm going to show my dick. And he was like, that you just say and i was like i said and i'm gonna show my dick and he was like that is what i thought you said wow but i wanted to be sure that's uh that's fantastic yeah dave do you have an overheard barely uh this is something this is just from a conversation i had um my five-year-old daughter um like maybe three nights a week will just end up in my bed and but she always like says uh can i come in your bed i had a bad dream and i'm like it's fine you don't have to lie you can just come in the bed like it's fine uh and then one day this week i was like why did you come on my bed? Oh I had a bad dream and do you remember what the bad dream was? And she said

oh so bad I remember it I put my head on my pillow and then a big person dressed as a cat jumped in my window and I was like oh that's very scary. That's very scary. Yeah. Yeah. No I thought it was going to be just some

nebulous. That's how you know she wasn't lying. Yeah, she's also afraid of the musical Cats. Yes. My other daughter, like her generic bad dream is the blue monster. Oh, yeah, sure. You sure it's not the blues monster, like BB King? It's specifically Common's character from the movie Smallfoot. Stonekeeper. It's a specifically common character from the movie small foot stone keeper.

Anyway, what's your overheard? Mine is, uh, from a grocery store interaction from a couple of weeks ago. Um, and it was at the grocery store that I go to regularly. And for a while they weren't,

you couldn't use reusable bags because the cashiers or whatever didn't want to touch reusable bags they didn't want to go on the counter and get cross-contamination so that was just off the board which is fine you could just get plaster or paper bags uh but a woman ahead of me who was exhausting from the moment i laid eyes on her she was uh not paying attention to the arrows of which way to go on the aisles. Oh, God. No mask. You know, if she had cough, she'd cough right in your face, I'm sure. But when she got in line and they said, no, you can't.

We're not using reusable bags. She asked the employee. She's like, well, why did I even bring them? And the employee very much was like yeah why because you didn't know the rule like what yeah just exasperated for no reason uh anyway so do not be that person oh my god yeah yeah especially like yeah there's there's too much thinking a uh someone in customer service has any power. Yes.

Just think for a second. I did an escape room one time. I've done one escape room, and I did it with someone who I, like, didn't know very well. Like, there were a bunch of people in the group, and one of them was, like, really into escape rooms. And, like, there was some mechanic in the game that they, like like didn't think was well thought out or something. And for like half an hour afterward, he started talking to the woman who worked at the escape room trying to like convince her. And it's like she didn't make the escape room. She's just here. We buy these puzzles in bulk from escape room dot com.

We buy these puzzles in bulk from escape room.com. It was the weirdest sort of like, what do you think they're going to do with this feedback? Like we still escaped. They're going to tell the manager, boy, I got so much feedback about this escape room all day. We keep getting the same complaint about this escape room.

Escape rooms. Those are just over, right? Like, are right like are those gonna I mean I guess you can have a pretty small number of people in them yeah you need to have like an escape outdoor space yeah which I believe is just called a hedge maze yeah or paintball that's the other thing you can do outside

with your friends now in addition to these overheards we also have overheards sent in from listeners. If you want to send one in by email, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org and the first one comes from Kirsten in Ontario

saying, driving home, I saw a middle-aged man wearing a t-shirt that said, we are the weirdos, mister. Which is a quote from the 1996 teen witch film the craft not enough middle-aged men showing their love for the crowd wow that had to be a custom shirt right like he didn't get that i feel like he worked at a video store okay they they got some promotional merch and he's just been wearing it ever since what's the oldest t-shirt you own uh like oldest chronologically or number of years i've owned it

i guess chronologically because i have like a bunch of shirts that are just like some crazy shirt yeah like 70s and stuff but yeah and i've also owned them for a long time so i'd say that covers both bases. How about you? What's your oldest shirt? Oh, you mean? I was looking down at your window from my vantage point. The oldest shirt that I have in terms of I think it might be the actual oldest.

And also I've had it for the longest is because I found it in a shopping cart outside of a Goodwill outlet. I think 15 years ago okay and it is from 1992 um because it says 1992 on it but it's a chronic the hemp hog yes sure this is good so it's it's sonic but he's green and he's made out of weed and he's smoking a joint and he's grabbing a scratch. That's good. Wow, they covered all the bases with that shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

Mine is dumb. Go ahead. It wasn't sophisticated like mine. Yeah, mine wasn't. Yours were good. I don't want to talk about mine. So this next one comes from, I hope I'm pronouncing the name right, Juan T.

Juan T. Zed. Hi, Dave and Graham. I was trying to look up records from a state online database, which needed me to create a login. For the security question, they must have had some creative team hired for consulting. They had options ranging from the standard, what street did you grow up on, to the slightly different, what

was your first stuffed animal's name. Then at the bottom of the list, one option was, where were you when 9-11 happened? You all talked a big game about never forgetting. Well, let's see how well you did with that challenge uh yeah i was on i was on i would have been on the planes and i would things would have been different yeah me and mark walberg would have taken things

if you say that they just give you access to mark walberg's bank account it also is like it's accusing you like, what's your alibi? Where were you? What were you doing? We're still on the hunt for whoever did it. And the last one comes from Patrick in Richmond, Virginia. I decided to play the song Yakety

Sax for my 70-year-old daughter. She had never heard it before or seen an episode of Benny Hill. She remarked, this sounds like a chicken chasing a chicken that's pretty close yeah yeah that's yeah yeah that's if i had to describe yakety sacks that is that's what i think i would say yeah but wow now chicka chicka ben and i'm just trying to remember the lyrics yeah there's not lyrics. No, yeah, there are. Yeah.

Yeah. It's based on a poem. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

Spy pod one, like these people have. Hey, guys. It's your good friend Caroline. I was donating blood not too long ago. And, you know, did my little check-in. I went through the questionnaire. And then I said, okay, do you have any questions? And I asked, how many snacks am I allowed to take? And the lady said, as many as you want.

And then she stopped and said, wait, as many as you can handle. And that's my story. Bye. Yeah, that's fair. I think that's fair. Like, you know, don't take more than you can handle because we don't want that yeah on our shoulders you know yeah yeah like now that your blood level is low you're you don't want more sure like your blood sugar shouldn't be more sugar than blood right yeah but it sounds it sounds like she was also trying to cover her ass liability-wise.

To be like, wait, I don't want you to take as many as you want. Because what if you eat too much and then you explode? This is going to be on my shoulders legally. That's what it sounds like the implication was to me, personally. What a litigious country you live in. I know. I mean, this is America. We don't have healthcare. This is the only way people get health care is by

so um uh do you get paid to give blood there in america i guess people do i don't know i don't have a view specifically i don't think so i think you can sell your plasma if you're really hard up, but most people just donate blood here. Okay. Sell your plasma. Sounds nice. Sounds like a nice idea. I saw a 60 Minutes story about people donating plasma, former people who had COVID-19.

Donate their plasma, and then it helps people who currently have COVID-19. Interesting. Interesting. Cool. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. I have an overheard. I was watching CTV news, and they were talking about the controversy behind John A. McDonald

and possibly removing his statue, I think, in Montreal. And during the newscast, the interviewer is talking to some professor over Zoom who's an expert in the history of John A. MacDonald. The professor's last name happens to also be MacDonald. So the newscaster makes a joke and says, Oh, are you related to Sir John A. MacDonald? And he says, Oh, well, we do share the same last name, but it's not spelled exactly the same.

See, I'm, my D's a big D, my D's a big D, or no, wait, he says, goddammit, I'll call back. The greatest of all the overheard calls. The screwed up overheard call and he did call back but no we get it and also it was on the news so he could just send a clip he doesn't have to go verbatim from memory um uh yeah emily i should have warned you john John A. McDonald was our first prime minister. Oh, okay. And CTV is Canadian television. Yes, CTV is Canadian television.

And what's the news? The news, oh boy. We only have one flavor of it up here. You guys have several flavors of news. No, we have a few flavors. We got local. You got local. That's flavors. We've got local. The local at 5 and the national at 5.30.

Here's your final overheard. Hey, Dave and Graham and probable guest. This is Jason in Pensacola. It's a quarantine overheard. So, a kid saved the darndest. My wife just told me my 8-year-old daughter wanted me to come and say goodnight.

And I thought, that was nice. So I went in and I was about to bend over, give her a hug and a kiss. And a few feet away, I could smell beeswax, like lip balm, real strongly. So she's sticking out her lips. And so I don't really like beeswax on my lips. It burns and stuff. So she knows that. I divert over to the cheek,

and I said, well, I don't like to get that on my lips. You know, it burns. She says, whispers in my ear, I know. That's why I put it all over my cheeks, too. Oh, man, that was Glenn Close's character as a kid. That is so crazy!

Oh, man. Oh, boy. She got him good. Yeah. And also, I just love the idea of a kid putting lip gloss on their cheeks yeah and being like this will teach father

oh boy well that brings us to the end of this podcast Emily do you have anything online that you would like to I know you have a comedy special that came out and yeah you can watch my whole special on YouTube for free I don't know if you can do it in canada actually yeah um might be tricky but i've got an album called pasta and if you want to see my garden you can follow emily's

garden show on instagram nice i i grew a very tall sunflower, you guys. Oh, too scary. Very scary flower. It's taller than me now. Oh, wow. That's cool. You also have a podcast on this very network. Oh, yeah. I have a podcast called Baby Geniuses that I host with Lisa Hanawalt,

creator of Tuca and Birdie and production designer on BoJack Horseman. And it's pretty fun yeah yes it's very fun and we I mean we see you around at all the network functions so yes we're all still getting together in person yeah over in front of the maximum fun step and repeat yeah

well thank you so much for being our guest oh thanks for having me this was very fun. I'm not going to watch that movie anymore. Okay, no, that's fine. Well, no, you want to know what happens. I now know what happens. There's a showdown. I don't care.

And thank you all, you out there in the listening world. Thanks for listening. If you like the show, why not tell a friend? And come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported