Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 642 - Michael Balazo

Episode Date: July 7, 2020

Comedian Michael Balazo joins us to talk trampolines, eggs, and calling Apple. And Erotic Thriller Month continues with Single White Female.

Hey folks, it's Jesse, the founder of MaxFun. Since we postponed our annual MaxFun drive in mid-March, we have gotten a lot of questions about if and when we'd be rescheduling it. And honestly, we've been asking ourselves the same thing. Well, now we have an answer for you. The 2020 MaxFun drive will start on July 13th. That's coming up soon. We decided to have the drive now because it's always brought a lot of joy and excitement to our community and certainly to us. And to be totally honest, it's also the main source of income for some of our hosts. Like pretty much everything right now, this year's drive is going to be a little different. We'll still be bringing you very

special episodes, fun community activities, premium thank you gifts, but we also know it's a weird time and for some folks a really difficult one. Some people are in a position to become new or upgrading members, others can't right now, and that is okay. We'll have ways for you to support MaxFun at every level, including some ways that won't cost you anything. We're also going to run the drive for four weeks instead of two. We didn't think it was a good time to be rushing anybody, and having a longer drive lets us be a little more low-key in our drive pitch. It also gives us more time to do fun stuff,

like the weekly live streams we'll be putting on for charity throughout the drive. Most importantly, we want the 2020 MaxFunDrive to highlight all the ways we support each other and our communities. MaxFunDrive to highlight all the ways we support each other and our communities. We also want to show how grateful we are to you for making all the work that we do possible. Stay safe. We'll see you July 13th for the MaxFunDrive. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 642 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

My name is Graham Clark. And with me, as always, is a man who I believe is enjoying some kind of craft beer. Or what is the beverage of choice over there? Mr. Dave Shumka. This clear drink with a lime in it? What is it? Is it just straight gin? It's a straight white, like just straight ass gin.

Just so straight. Just the giniest. Yeah, no, it's a uh uh tequila and soda easy peasy you put the lime in the coconut that's right and it's the cure for a disease right the lime and the coconut is that what that is i know that gin and tonic is like keeps uh malaria away that's true yeah the quinine um our guest today uh is also a huge fan of gin he has a brand new album out right now a very funny album uh called uh complete discography it's mike balazzo hey everybody it's the number one gin fan in toronto here thanks for having me welcome to the gin cast what sorry tank array presents the tank array presents the gordon's dry uh whatever other brand uh a blue sapphire or something blue yeah the bombay sapphire

yeah whatever other hendrix uh the aromatic gin podcast for all you uh swinging uh lounge music fans this is the internet's premier gin joint. Yeah, that's right. And we're going to have the cherry popping daddies on later. When I was 19, during my first year of university, we lived, the dorm I was at wasn't too far from a jazz club. You know, Toronto's all about jazz clubs and speakeasies. Yes. Where did you go to university i went

to ryerson university okay and uh a bunch of friends and i were gonna go in our first year to to the jazz club uh to hang out and do like downtown stuff and there was a pre-drinking a little session in my room and i think i weighed like 105 pounds at the time i drank an entire bottle of gin and did not make it out that night to see the jazz i was so excited for the build-up like all that evening to go to the jazz club and ended up just like barfing on my bed basically instead of oh boy should we get to know us yeah let's get to know us now uh mike balazzo balazzo balazzo i'll say balazzo it's a fake name let's say balazzo yeah it's a fake name yeah it's uh it's not a real name it was like a hungarian name uh like balazs and then when my grandfather came to canada it ended up being balazzo and we're not italian i don't know why but my whole life uh people have assumed oh it's um but it's not a fake name and like it's you didn't choose it for show

business no no it's not like uh like uh cedric the entertainer or something like that yeah yeah yeah that good example of somebody who is not he was also when he came to america they changed his name on the birth certificate to cedric the entertainer also hungarian yeah it was uh that was an ellis island thing his name in the old country was Cedric Entertainerman. Now, you told that great story. I couldn't, I was riveted about you being 105 pounds. Yeah.

And that was a long time ago. What do you weigh today? Yeah, what's your weight now? My classic weight was always like 150 or 155, but I feel like during the lockdown, maybe closer to 165 these days that's still and that's that's a great weight it's a great weight great weight yeah well uh what's your height five foot eight which is not a great height that's a good height though it's not the worst it's a good height not for um you know online online dating. Oh, yeah. No, you got to be six foot. You got to be looking for a partner in crime.

And you have to, you know, like hiking. Everybody's hiking. So get into it. Back when I was on Tinder, if anyone, if I saw any woman who was doing any sort of outdoor activities, immediately I'd, you know, no way. Cancel, cancel that idea i uh i didn't want to meet anyone who enjoyed being outdoors ever like let's there's a lot of like it's it i haven't done a lot of online dating uh because it didn't exist uh when i was single uh but i um not even lava life was lava life around was that an option i don't know we but like back back like i met abby in the year 2000 and before that i feel like it was a lot of like oh if you

meet anyone on the internet you're weird and they're gonna kill you yeah and like you would read like a i saw you thing in the back of a local newspaper but i also feel like what is it so if you go on tinder now it's just women and like hip waiters doing the fly fishing they're doing fly fishing there's a picture of them uh with somebody's dog so that the guy can be like i was just checking out that dog so that's another fun trope of uh dating things but that was around when was that when did that come out tinder yeah i think it was around 20 2013 or 14 if i remember correctly i did because i remember grinder was around first and people were like so you can just go on your phone and there's there's a map of horny guys and you can just have sex with each other and uh but but now when it

became like uh you know that's all anyone does is it still is it mapped or do they tell you how far away the person is i think grinder is distance and uh tinder doesn't let you know where the person is because the murder rate would go up exponentially it'd be funny dave if your wife now this is not i mean i don't want you to suffer but if your wife did like this year murder you for some reason that could be like a news story about like about how you shouldn't ever date or marry someone you meet on the internet, but it was like a 20 year long con on her end. I'm not sure I follow, but I,

um, yeah, no, she's welcome to murder me. It's it, it was in, uh, your vows.

I remember. Yeah. Like I'm not, uh, I, you know, I, I guess I'm a bit of a shrinking violet in that regard where I'm like,

well, you know what? I'd rather someone murder me before I murdered them. Yeah. Yeah. Um, now, uh,

Michael, you have this brand new comedy album that I listened to it this afternoon. Very funny. Oh, thank you. No, you're welcome. And you in it confess to being a member of a,

like, what do you say? Like an indie uh yes yeah an indie choir i need to know everything do you guys have those out uh we do we've we don't have are you in choir choir choir uh no no not not that specific one but i have heard of them i have heard of them they're like a big and they're a big toronto one you can't get much bigger than them in the indie choir scene yeah yeah are you competing with choir choir choir i guess in a way but um yeah it's just a fun fun activity just a nerdy thing to uh share uh you know the human voice with other people who love singing what uh what kind of like like hauling out songs or perhaps metallica songs you know it's just it's it's really good it's a good thing you how often are the like uh how committed are

you to it and like do you have to go to every rehearsal well we've been doing them secretly how often are the rehearsals all through lockdown we've been breaking quarantine to get together and blend our voices together um three or times a week. Sing the hits. Yeah. It's worth dying to share that kind of music. Yeah. Do you have recitals? Do you have shows that you put on?

Yeah. We go to hospitals. We go to cemeteries. But don't lie to us. Like, this is a real thing. We didn't make it up out of it. We didn't give you a suggestion. To answer the initial question,

I guess I do have a track on my album where I guess I make fun of indie choirs. So, to let the cat out of the bag, I'm actually not part of an indie choir, but I sort of make fun of them. Ah, dog shit! And so, yeah. an indie choir but i i sort of uh make fun of them oh shit and uh and uh so yeah it's um hopefully though the joke was so well delivered graham completely fell for your bit as the yeah

i fell for your bet so graham when graham uh when we had henny youngman on the show he was like i asked about his wife your wife is uh available to be taken please and then remember henny youngman said my wife's been dead for 25 years. He said, it's just part of the awkward pause. Hey, Henny, can you play that violin? You're always holding. What was his show like? Why do I know so much about Henny Youngman? Henny Youngman had to go on stage the night his wife died and he had to like steal himself to deliver that classic joke about like, take my wife,

please. And just burst into tears. And they're like, what's wrong with, with a cat skills comedian, Henny Youngman. Now that, that classic joke is him.

Like it's a play on take my wife. For example, is that what it is? I've only ever known it as take my wife. Like I haven't even heard the beat in between. Take my wife, please. Yeah. It's, it's from an era when you would say

introduce a topic like take garbage, for example. And people would go, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the next subject of my comedy routine is as follows. The audience had to be prepared. Yeah, it's like in a movie where you see an establishing shot outside

the apartment building and you're like, okay, they're in the apartment building now. had to be prepared yeah it's like in a movie where you see an establishing shot outside the apartment building and you're like okay they're in the apartment building now in the movie goodfellas henny youngman's in it for uh two seconds he literally does the take my wife please line but it's out of sync time wise because he's old in it yeah i feel like he was always old that was he had an ironic name. Because he honestly wasn't all that Henny either. So that, the Henny Youngman performance in Goodfellas comes at the end of that famous, long, unbroken crane shot

into the Copacabana. And I was reading an interview with Scorsese where he said it was so difficult and the timing had to be just so that they got it a bunch of times perfectly and then henny youngman at the very end forgot his line and they had to like reshoot it and they're like oh god take my please wife oh wow just like it wasn't even a good like it wasn't even a good cameo it wasn't like no the theater were like do you know who that is marty henny youngman's costing us 40 000 an hour um yeah what's the uh in your watching stand-up comedy how uh who's the oldest act that you've

ever seen like in like live yeah well like jerry lewis you saw jerry lewis i saw jerry lewis um maybe 10 years ago at a casino outside of toronto and we took a bus from chinatown for free that drops you right off at i think it's casino casino rama in the middle of nowhere and jerry lewis was performing it was me and my brother and we were the youngest people in the crowd by like 50 years i think and he came out and did one-liners and then then the crowd was loving it, and then he definitely was like, and now here come, and this is what he said, here come some Polak jokes. And he did 12 minutes of jokes about Polish people. Take Polish people. Yeah.

Then his set was punctuated by many videos so that he could leave the stage and sit down and rest. Did he do the typewriter bit he did but very in a very low energy rendition because he was very old show me the typewriter bit they they play the sound of a typewriter tapping really fast over top of music and he just goes like this and then he like he does that that's the whole bit and people i guess back in the day were like this is great after the horrors of world war ii that's what america needed to uh to laugh again what uh who's the oldest you've seen graham uh i think bob newhart i saw he's he's very old did you ever see don r Rickles? No, I never saw Don Rickles.

I saw Bob Newhart. I saw George Carlin on his last tour. Oh, wow. He was really working on material. He had a big folder of jokes, and he would keep referring to the stack of paper on the stage. It was weird. What year would that have been? Was it during the bush era or like

uh yeah probably whatever was like six months or a year before he died like he was working on a new special wow yeah and he also did the typewriter bit the seven keys you can't hit keys you can't hit um yeah the uh uh i love the idea of going to a casino and seeing like a like a comic that hasn't changed their act since they were famous i love the idea of that like seeing i don't know who would be like that aside from jerry lewis i guess don rickles but he's not performing much these days no because of covid yeah he's got he's got that toy story money to fall back on yeah that's true um so have you born and raised in toronto not at all no i uh i've lived here the longest out of anywhere in my life but like in a nutshell i was born in montreal grew up a bit in calgary then the rest of my life was in

like suburban toronto so i went to high school in the beautiful city of oshawa ontario and then i've been here basically ever since oshawa oshawa is that oshawa is that the the city that motivates you is that their slogan it is yeah the city that motivates uh canada because it was uh had the gm plant yeah but now it doesn't and also like it was uh like it had no mobile pun or automotive pun right it's just motor yeah it's not like the canada's motor yeah it motivates it's not what you would say about a car yeah it had the the it had the fact like graham and i went i think it was when we went uh we we went to ottawa a couple years ago and we took a train to toronto and you went through all these

cities and you saw what used to be there you went past all the factories that used to exist yeah yeah and like the train it's so funny like the train whenever it was built like that was the hot end of town and now like everybody's like i don't live near the train so it's just so much uh graffiti just the towns you know it's just like everything's gone to seed. Um, but yeah. So, uh, you spent a good time in Oshawa, like four years going to university.

Um, well I was in Oshawa for all of, from basically, what the hell was it? From like grade seven until the end of high school. So it was like my teenage years were, uh, spent in Oshawa.

What was that? First had my heart broken. Oh, let's talk about that yeah yeah uh so how old were you when you first got your heart broken i guess i was like eight well it happened many times but i guess like the big one i was like 18 okay it was a a girl who was one year older than me uh from a different town the town of pickering forbidden ontario which is famous as its nuclear power plant oh was she like uh you know a mutant

i like him weird i like him weird and she she rejected you by pushing you over with her forearms oh everyone has forearms graham. No, that's true. I should have said five arms. Yeah. Okay, Goro. You're too normal for my love. No, we met at a... Did you have this in BC?

So the company Sears, which no longer exists, had this thing in ontario the sears drama festival no no i can just tell you let me tell you really fast no so i don't want to hear any more or whatever we met at the sears drama festival and it was a very torrid and short-lived love affair but i felt bad afterwards and then never saw her again i'm really oh was she so did you break her heart too no she dumped me and i was sad but i do remember her mom the one time i met her mom um she looked at a picture of us together and her

mom said oh michael you're not very photogenic are you you? Oh, no. Wow. You don't say that. She did. Mrs. Clayton said it. She had seen you in person, right? I was right there in front of her. Yeah, but like, yeah, so the photo didn't stack up. Ooh, I like you in person.

Ooh, I just want to be able to smell you. No. Ooh. Yeah. Graham, tell me about your heartbreaks. I just want to be able to smell you. No. Ooh. Yeah. Um, Graham, tell me about your heartbreaks. Well, the thing,

the first girl that broke up with me was in grade. I want to say grade eight. And, uh, she, uh, she was, uh, shy and very good looking.

And then somebody came along and said, uh, you're good looking. And then somebody came along and said, you're good looking. And then she was like, well, I get rid of the dead weight over here. Did you beat up that person who let her know? Yeah, it was the girl you know's mom. Super rude. She's very, but she's great at judging what people look like. What about you, Dave? Did you have a high school uh romance that went astray no

i like any uh girlfriend i had that we broke up i was never heartbroken uh but like there were crushes that didn't like me back that that hurt yeah yeah because you're really putting yourself out there and they're not putting anything yeah there. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Their mom just says how ugly I am in photos. I'd like to find that mom and send her a picture, like my most recent headshot that was from like seven years ago, just to show her how I could look under the right circumstances. Like you're great in a Zoom frame. Yeah, you look great.

Thank you. Now, what time of your life did you spend in a zoom frame yeah you look great well thank you um now how many what time of your life did you spend in calgary did you say um from from the ages of like two to nine and that was also i was there during the 1988 calgary winter olympics because i grew up in calgary and i was also there for the 88 Olympics. Oh, right. Heidi and Howdy. And I saw them on TV. Oh, you saw them on TV. Heidi and Howdy were the two polar bears. Cowboy polar bears.

Yeah. Yeah, they were cowboy polar bears. And that was the Olympics with the Jamaican bobsled, I think. Yes. And Eddie the Eagle. They've made two Hollywood movies out of that Olympics. Yeah. yeah and eddie the eagle they've made two hollywood movies out of that olympics yeah and it's uh it's weird because uh well i guess they probably shot eddie the eagle in calgary or against a green screen it was in london england they had a calgary green screen

um did you when you were a kid did you go to any of the sports or did your family drag you out to see the torch being passed on the side of the highway like my family did we definitely you have any of the commemorative glassware yeah yeah my mom absolutely does we have a bunch of glasses and cups um yes and i did see the olympic torch after standing in the like awful cold for like three or four hours um we didn't see any events though because they were very expensive and hard to get tickets to even though the winter sports are terrible well i didn't go and my parents nailed it in terms of uh he will not appreciate this and i was like you are right do not spend that money on me like i i love the idea of seeing the best curlers in the world all

in one place but curling wasn't even an olympic sport back then like i was i because we were supposed to have an olympics this summer right and i was looking at the back of the Cheerios box that had like their unofficial like cheer for Canada this summer promotion on the back. Get your Cheerios cheer for Canada shirt, which is like not affiliated with the Olympics. No. Based on the licensing. But they made these boxes before they knew about the pandemic. And it's too bad because Cheerios would look good as that Olympic logo. Exactly.

But they, um, uh, on the back of the box, there were all these Olympians that are like world-class people at sports that weren't in the Olympics 20 years ago. It's like, we have either a two or three time gold medalist in trampoline.

That's right. Trampoline. We dominate in trampoline that's right trampoline we dominate in trampoline we can double bounce we can do a bum drop a knee drop we can crack the egg nobody can crack the egg like canada is crack the egg the one where you like sit cannonball you hug your knees in the middle and other people try to make you yeah unfurl when i was a kid we had uh we had a trampoline in the summers and the brand of trampoline was sundance this was before um robert redford's brand yes it was

uh this was before they were circular and before they had netting on the outside oh yes and uh before you could like there was nothing to stop you from your leg just falling in between the springs yes but you know what we i don't remember getting hurt from that i remember getting hurt from you know my brother's friends throwing me off but it was like we played we did uh we did bum wars where you would like just have to keep bouncing off your butt and back up yeah yeah over and over with your uh opponent and whoever failed first lost uh we did sundance tag because in all four corners of the uh trampoline there was the sundance logo and you were home free if you were on that and then the rest of the time was just wrestling

yeah i did a lot of wrestling on trampolines and there was like two uh kind of schools of thought trampoline wise in uh calgary uh one of them was you take in the pads and the trampoline uh you kind of disassemble it for the winter or there was other people who just left theirs during the winter and then the trampoline pads would uh disintegrate into nothing and uh yeah well what was your tramp experience me well in calgary it seemed like everyone except my family had a big trampoline in their backyard. And I guess this was during the oil boom time.

So there's a lot of extra disposable income and everyone was just buying trampolines for their kids. And looking back, because we were on them all the time, people would do stuff like put like a trampoline is dangerous already. And people would put like a sprinkler under the trampoline to make it slippery and then all the kids would jump and somehow we didn't all die yeah i remember the my friend who lived down the street their parents made us sign a waiver before we went on their trampoline they were like you will not hold us responsible and i was like

give it to me i'll sign it right away yeah yeah do you need it in blood there's two families on my street that have like two houses apart that both have trampolines they're the only families on the street that have them well they have them in their front yard so maybe there's more people that have them in their backyards but i just think like how do these kids just must not get along at all. If you're like, can I just go over there and jump on their trampoline? No one's on it ever. Also trampoline in the front yard is a bold statement against your neighbors. Well,

it's also like passersby could just go and jump. Does it increase the value of your property? Yes. Yeah. It definitely depends on the brand, a sundance square yeah you're gonna want a sundance we we i was looking into uh doing one in our backyard but we i don't think it can happen because we've got it's a little bit uh slanted yeah and that that way they're just catapulting into the neighbor's yard yeah did you uh mike when you were growing up did you know

anybody that had a pool uh same as trampolines yeah all in all my friends in calgary had like in-ground pools um everyone but my family wow and i remember like the thing of like sort of pretending to be nice to certain kids because you wanted to be invited over to swim yes but deep in your heart you didn't you didn't care about them yeah it's like if you uh if you die i just want to take your pool and i don't want your friendship i hope you don't die because i won't be able to to convincingly come over and use your pool if it's just like your sister's home can i take a swim in your brother's memory um yeah i had one friend that had a pool and uh we gathered there ever like during the summer like every day was over at cody's house and uh also i think like there was boys and girls at it and that was a that was a hard game of hide the boner was the game most of the summer yeah those were your early heartbreaks

was it like a sign on the like like no horseplay no boys with boners allowed like my parents have a chemical that turns the pool purple if you get a boner Like no horseplay, no boys with boners allowed. My parents have a chemical that turns the pool purple if you get a boner. So the peeing in the pool, like the urban legend about there being a chemical in the pool if you pee in it that'll like make it make your pee visible yeah that that's existed forever yeah i've only ever seen it executed in grown-ups too but now it can't be real right because no because then the pool would just be all died all the time it just they would never be able to drain it every day well because i always worried about because i hold it and i take my kids swimming all the time but they like swim not anymore but when they were babies they would swim in swim diapers which are specifically

just for like just like we all know we're swimming in urine yeah It's like a, a just tacit agreement. Um, I, uh, I always had like, I had a memory the other day of, uh, the community center that was close to where I lived and not community center.

Well, yeah, maybe it was a community center, but it had a wave pool in it. And, uh, so that's strictly for kids, but it also had like a sauna in it which is a very adult thing

and why was there a sauna who was that for I guess parents but weren't parents there to make sure their kid doesn't I think as a kid I I liked any amenity so if the hotel had a pool

and a sauna I'm like let's do both let's get too hot then jump in the pool like old european men and just like a boy yeah yeah yeah and then yeah just a boy who's like you know getting the the plank of cedar wet because yeah yeah in a room full of old european, it's definitely hide your boner. Steam will turn purple. Um, now,

uh, Mike, the, uh, the cover of your album, uh, is a very entertaining. Um,

there's a lot to read on it. Yeah. Graham, Graham informed me what it was based on i'm not a big political cartoon reader okay he i think it's uh it's so like it's the person who did it just nailed it so thoroughly and uh where like why that as a cover do you do you describe it graham it's uh it's mike who's got and he looks like guest on like he's a very muscular man and he's like got a hammer that says truth on it yes i'm wearing a belt that says comedian and my hammer says truth and uh i'm striking a snake a giant snake that says lies on the snake yeah and everything else there's like 50 other things on the cover they're all labeled yeah lots of easter eggs that's what

this guy this guy does this ben garrison he does he's he makes trump look uh like a like a line backer he makes him look uh handsome and like big big muscular chest yeah and uh and no comb over you know just this beautiful head of hair head of hair yeah my friend um ann ann doris who uh is a great uh artist and animator and she makes music also has uh bossy uh is her name bossy oh yeah reina's sister right she's reina duris's sister the radio personality yes uh talented family and uh i had talked to her and had sent her i felt bad because i had to send her all these reference cartoons from ben garrison who if you look at that stuff long enough it's just i mean please dave uh treat yourself to looking at some ben garrison cartoons i just

did a google image search right now he's like the alt-rights like favorite cartoonist like super conspiratorial also just everything is labeled in everything's labeled in the history in the the um the long tradition of political cartoons of just being like, well, I have to put everyone's name. Every politician needs to be wearing a sash. Uh, and like the turtle represents, you know, a red tape.

And so I have to write red tape on that. The, um, my favorite cartoons of that variety are when somebody passes away and they do the car, what like cartoon of them saying like, take my wife, please.

It's at the pearly gate. Um, cause it's always, it's always weird what they pick as being the like defining trait of the person who has passed away. And, uh, there was one for Prince where he was driving in a Corvette and I was like,

Hmm, is that the most famous prince thing yeah he had a little red corvette into heaven but that wasn't about him no i know and it's not even like i wouldn't even put that in the top 10 prince was he also wearing a raspberry parade and doing the bat dance yeah or like prince in heaven meeting saint peter and

saint peter looks at him and says now for all eternity you can hang out with darling nikki and it's just the girl from the song darling nikki

masturbating with a magazine and of course she masturbated to death and that's why she's already in heaven saint peter's like

i've got some good news and bad news. Bad news, you're dead. Good news though. Do you think St. Peter is, that's how St. Peter opens every conversation. Well, I've got good news and bad news. Yeah, the, the, the album cover is so funny. And it's also called Complete Dysagor the album cover is so funny and it's also called complete dysagorgy which is so funny um and it's a very funny album where did you record it like on a night where you invited a bunch of people to see or was the recorder over a weekend or

yeah it was two nights um in early december of 2019 uh december 3rd and 4th at the ozington in toronto which has sort of turned into a the go-to place for a lot of uh toronto comedians to record their yeah their albums and uh yeah it was two nights i had different hosts and acts each night they were super fun nights and uh i am happy i did it because i obviously had no idea that all live entertainment was going to end very soon after i recorded that so yes uh i i feel very lucky that i did that and um calling it complete discography was a joke to me uh at the time but now it very well may be the only album I ever record performance wise

is Shakespeare in the Park going to come through this unscathed? outdoors outdoors and people can space out I like to space out to Shakespeare anyway man I like to you know drop a little acid and just listen to some sonnets baby yeah just not understand what they're saying a whole other

state yeah could they do a hamlet in the park if all of the actors were like in like glass tubes just like wheeled out when they needed to come and speak that's how i would like to witness how even the like skull that he's holding up is in a different tube clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk because he's trying to kiss the skull yeah he's trying to hold it it's like got a it's like holding a fishbowl but he's got his hands through in like uh you know tubing yeah some kind of the hands are in rubber the glass tubes have rubber hand glove holes and you can hold a fishbowl with a skull in it yeah alas oh boy i i mean now i'm dying to see this production they have to take the actors temperatures every every act i do like the look of like i've never had that done

but the the laser uh where they shoot you in the face with a temperature gun and the number comes up on your forehead and then that's just what temperature you are for the rest of the day it stays that way yeah are you hot or not a hot or not gun is very funny i once um i just remembered this memory i haven't thought of for years the time i auditioned for a shakespeare in the park summer thing and didn't get cast and felt very uh sad and offended but now i'm glad i didn't have to do it and this wasn't sears sponsors shakespeare on the park no this was in oshawa oshawa shakespeare in

the park uh now is it sears that used to have diners in them? They used to have like a cafeteria inside the Sears or was that Eaton's? A few, like the bay, the, at the bay here in Vancouver, there's one. Oh yeah, that's right. At the cafeteria. And like, definitely Zellers did. Zellers did. Yeah. And did you ever eat one?

They were very weird. They were a very weird place to go eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Could you get drunk in a Zellers yeah Zellers had a liquor license

me and the boys are going to get wasted at Zellers yeah I used to go to the Zellers oxygen bar yeah for our American

listeners Zellers is like I don't know was like a bad target yeah bad target is exactly right like nothing that you want, but everything is cheap. And, yeah, I remember eating in, I think it was Eaton's.

And just, like, I was with a friend and their mom. And I was like, why did you take us here? Like, this is not a fun place for kids. But there are, like, there are fancy department stores that have fancy restaurants. Like Nordstrom apparently has a decent restaurant. Really? And like I've been to some in. Holt Renfrew?

Yeah, maybe. I've been to one in Switzerland that had a decent restaurant with a great view. Huh. Because I remember this Eaton's one being in the store, so was no view it was just like the view was of the bra section and don't think i was complaining at all some blue smoke was coming sure sir we've uh you set off the boner sensor I'd like to think it's got at a department store the boner sensor would have something to do with those

like dye packs did you ever hear when you were in school that if you pulled the fire alarm that it shot out something and that would mark you as that's not true there's a bit of glass in front of it though that if you pull the glass breaks and i was told that the glass contains ink like yeah like the way that uh thermometer contains mercury but like then anybody who uh was being a hero and like doing the fire alarm would also be sprayed

but yeah i i always had a like i have a very complicated relationship with fire alarms in that i always want to pull them yeah i find it hard like i'm i'm worried i'm going to even though i know i don't want to yeah but you want to yeah i'm worried that i won't be able to help myself and in my mind i'm imagining shoving something behind the thing just peeling it off the wall like shoving a stapler yanking it and so the stapler takes the brunt of the ink Mike do you have anything like that? any comment Mike anything that is like

so irresistible but you know that it's also like when you see a cop and you're like if I could get my hands on that gun I guess I won't do that I guess whenever I see a knife I want to stab myself i guess i mean yeah fair enough we all we all feel these things um yeah it's part of what makes us

human i guess driving i don't drive very often but i mean it is like that thing in annie hall with christopher walken driving but like i always i'm not afraid i'm going to steer a car into oncoming traffic just to see what it's like but i wonder if anyone else will just do that i i'm always yeah i'm always worried about that you know what i mean guys yeah totally totally no for sure like yeah it is crazy that we're allowed to uh drive cars yeah yeah like people talk about it being crazy that that cars could drive themselves but why is that any crazier than a person yeah exactly people malfunction all the time yeah um yeah like i uh i don't drive usually because it uh i just find it very uh anger inducing and uh like i've never had a pleasant drive where i'm like this is the best way to get around just like always

on the verge of road rage but not really because i don't want to get out of a car and fight anybody that is very embarrassing any anytime i see i witness like a video of dash cam footage of a road rage incident it's like what a loser also when you see those videos they're titled like knocked him out with one punch or told his ass or whatever that would be me falling all over the highway well someone got back in their car and drove around your corpse um dave what's going on with you man well we were talking about uh the um like wanting to pull the pull a thing yes yeah and uh i guess they call those invasive thoughts yeah you you uh if you you know if you

can't handle that you know you need a little help right um and for me the one i get a lot is i always just imagine i won't do it but i imagine biting a cheese grater and pulling it out of my mouth over my teeth just my teeth not like any flesh or anything just like to kind of make like a mickey mouse kind of like sound something yeah but i don't want to do it but i i think about it a lot oh i think i've talked about that on the show lately or uh in the past and the other one was i want to like a airbrush by poking a bunch of pins through a popsicle stick. That's right.

I do remember this. But the thing that... So yesterday, and I think it's out right now, I guested on the Hunks podcast. Yes. The Winnipeg Sketch Troupe Hunks podcast.

And we were talking a lot about eggs and there has been this meme going around of a uh someone just like posted a picture of a bunt cake with uh a bunch of just raw eggs in it. Like one of those circular cake pans. Yeah. With a hole in the middle, just filled with eggs. Oh, wow.

Uncooked. And they said, Hey, I just made a cake. Ingredients, 12 eggs. And then they showed a picture of after they cooked it and cut into it. And it's just,

it's just white. And then you cut into it and it's just it's just white and then you cut into it and there's yolks inside and i just can't get this out of my mind yeah this is just a thing i think about and it's not so it doesn't upset me or gross me out but it almost does yeah and it's there a lot i feel like when that seems like something that you go over to a friend's house for dinner and that's something they eat every week is like yeah he's like egg egg circle and the kid's like yeah you gotta come over we're having a ring of egg tonight what you're having what i remember a kid in oshawa at my school in like grade seven walking home from school one day and he was like oh it's great tonight we're having my favorite meal my mom

is making a hamburger soup and i had never heard of this meal and i was like what is what is hamburger soup and he was like come on everyone knows what hamburger soup is it sounds like title of a kid's book robert munch wrote it during a cocaine frenzy um my uh a couple months ago before the the pandemic i think my mother said to my wife uh hey uh i'm making hamburger soup. I have plenty of hamburger soup left over. Do you want it?

You can take some home for the kids. And Abby was like, she had the same incredulous thing of like, what is hamburger soup? Yeah. Like, why would we want that? Like my kids eat three things.

Why do you think I could convince them to eat of this disparate combination of because it it's like hamburger is just ground beef but you think of little tiny hamburgers floating in soup like cookie crisp yeah yeah exactly it could be beef soup instead right yeah yeah yeah it's just like cheap beefs too because it's all just ground up hamburger meat floating loosely in water i guess yeah did you guys eat rice balls rice balls my mom would make a thing once or twice a week called rice balls it was just uh balls of beef uh covered in um almost like a timbit just coated in rice in uh in a tomato and potato sauce rice balls i mean that sounds all right yeah it sounds fine like i but i do like that idea of a food that you think is universal as a kid

yeah but it's just a thing your mom makes because it's easy and she or she can make a giant batch of it yeah yeah. Yeah, exactly. But like I never, I don't think we had anything that was like a weird, but maybe we did. Like I haven't come across, like I never had a kid over that they thought that anything was weird, but maybe there was. Maybe there was some weird thing that we were eating yeah that is oh as a parent now i'm suddenly uh uh paranoid that my daughters will bring home a friend and they'll think it's weird that we want to have like you know uh falafel yeah it was like the one my when i was a little kid i uh was hanging out with my friend eric and his dad was like we're gonna go uh to mcdonald's and i was so excited we were going to mcdonald's and then we went to arby's

and he was just he called every fast food place mcdonald's like people who call any soft drink coke yeah so we drove to an harby's and i was like what the fuck is this whatever happened to that kid that's all the same right yeah yeah like i he's got color blindness for logos it's funny to be a little kid and then to realize like looking at another little kid and think to yourself this guy's an idiot your dad's a moron it does feel like a little bit like uh oh i grew up in the great depression hamburger soup was a delicacy yeah that's right and all we had was arby's during the great depression yeah and you would get a wet roast beef and you would like it yeah you dip it in your hamburger soup did that kid like look at the big

the arby's like the a logo and go like look it's ronald mcdonald that's his hat it's all part of one universe yeah yeah yeah i mean sometimes you go to mcdonald's and all they have is you know blizzards yeah but sometimes you go and it's just like fried chicken you never know what you're gonna get yeah life is like going to mcdonald's but i feel like harvey's also had something weird that other fast food chains didn't have. Like the sandwiches, obviously. But there was something else that they were like, try our something. It was like our orange something. Or like try our candy canes.

It was some insane thing that they do. Well, I've noticed. Oh, boy. I think it's Burger King. And they now have Kraft dinner or craft macaroni and cheese in balls deep fried holy shit and it's but it's also like why you like this could be kfc this could be yeah this could be arby's this could be served in Eaton's in the cafeteria. This could be Taco Bell. Yeah, like, Mike, do you remember going over to some house and having to eat a weird food?

I mean, I guess the weirdest thing that I always thought was weird. My family was a cola family. At dinner, we would go through an entire two liter bottle of cola every dinner how many people in your family there were five of us when at the biggest wow and i just assumed that was normal as you do when you're a kid but i always thought it was insane when i went to a kid's house and they drank milk with dinner because that's made me feel that's what we did that's what we did too and it's just like looking looking back it's fucking insane yeah and i love like sometimes i just get a craving for a giant glass of milk sure but i not with dinner no but like i never had water never Never drank water. No, us, we never drank water.

Only cola and then like very sugary like juices. And I remember my parents punished me once because they were like, you get too hyper for some reason. So they banned me from drinking cola, but it was still there on the table and I had to drink like, I don't know, probably, I don't know, vitamin C or what's it called?

C plus. What's the orange drink? C plus. C plus. No good. You're grounded. It's only C plus for you for the rest of the month. Yeah, only other sugar.

Last night, it's summer, but it's been very cold and rainy here. Yeah. But I was preparing for summer. My favorite thing about summer is fruity drinks and just desserts and stuff. So last night, I made my kids floats, but they don't like root beer. Uh, so I, I, I knew that going in, they think root beer is weird. By the way, I like for people who are going to, you know, write in, I don't give my, my kids a bunch of pop anyway.

They've had like a sip here and there, uh i made uh uh like the brand the brand is pop shop it's it's canadian classic canadian pop yeah yeah and they do a black cherry and i made black cherry floats for them and they love them obviously yeah although they were very hesitant because they think vanilla ice cream is weird and boring. They also like the root beer float or the float seems like it was done by accident when somebody was like serving too close to the soft serve machine. And it just happened. They were like, well, this looks pretty good. This looks doable. And when the foam starts coming, like they were looking at the glasses dubiously yes glasses with vanilla ice cream the the grossest food imaginable and

then i poured the pop on top and the foam like this pink foam yeah that is like defies gravity and won't doesn't go away uh they they loved it yeah but they wouldn't uh margo anyway wouldn't eat the ice cream uh she just was there for the show yeah well she drank all the pop but then she's like this is this is garbage this is uh like that is the best ice cream in the world where it's got that little bit those like sugary crystals outside of it yeah oh you are you a float man mike i'm not a big floater but i i do like i've been eating a bunch of ice cream sandwiches during my daily walks uh lately for the for the one hour that i leave the house to go for a walk and uh it makes it sound like you're having a daily ice cream sandwich it's about like twice a week but the other day i did buy a giant ice cream cone uh like a uh

a strawberry ice cream cone i walked down the street like trying to like take my mask off for a second to take a lick and then put it back on and it was uh oh wow i'm sure i didn't i didn't look cool probably you know uh wow graham when you go out in public and you wear a mask what is your mask protocol do you put it on when you go to a store do you have it yeah i just yeah i like if i'm if it's a short trip i'll wear it the whole time but if i'm going yeah like a walk i don't wear it i wear it in a store but like today i was going to like four different stores so i just kept it on for the hour that i was doing it and i my heart goes out to any and all health care workers and or frontline workers that have to wear a mask for more than

half an hour because it is terrible it's just like so hot and fighter pilots they gotta wear those masks that's true and uh and that's when i was saying all our frontline workers i was hoping you'd bring up fighter pilots let's they're out there top gunning it up for us um anyway so yeah i've been thinking a lot about this egg dish and this egg cake and uh made some floats what's up with you um this is uh have you like have you ever had like a day where every single uh like computer thing or whatever in your life just quits on you where it's just like and then you know you're like okay well i'll sign into this account and it says what's your password you know, you're like, okay, well, I'll sign into this account. And it says, what's your password? And you forget. And they're like, okay, we'll send you an email to with the new password. And so it just becomes like one tiny task just takes over your whole day.

And no, I have that. No, never. but i had uh i was trying to download a couple uh songs off of apple music and uh oh no off of itunes not off of album music itunes and i bought it and then it said that i had them but i couldn't play them and so i was like well if i get a refund then maybe i can download them again and i did that and i couldn't download them again so i called apple which seems like the craziest thing to do kim cook speaking yeah they yeah they have people that will uh what they is when you call them or they're like you know we're a computer company you can just like email us yeah

you know that box that's causing you so much trouble use that yeah but the one thing that if you call Apple's customer service

and I've never heard this ever before it says okay you're going to be put on hold what type of music do you want to hear whoa really yeah and they list like four categories of music that you can pick from i picked smooth jazz um but yeah you could have hip-hop you could have classical you could have smooth jazz you could have the best of henny youngman those were the four yeah i've been where was i on hold

i was on hold a couple weeks ago uh maybe my bank or something and it was a lot of like uh the hold music just ending in a way where it seems like you're about to hear uh you're about to talk to someone yeah and then the music just picks up again yeah and uh like you know sometimes you're on hold and they just they kind of play a commercial for the business that you're on hold with we know you have a lot of options for iphone i remember like last year i uh and for the past let's say the past two years i had some uh issues with uh uh, for the past, let's say the past two years, I had some, uh, issues with, uh, uh, taxes with the government of Canada. And, uh, I had to often call the, uh, Canada revenue agency.

And I was very surprised that the hold music was, it was much funkier than I had expected. And it was very upbeat. And I, I think they do that on purpose so that you don't kill yourself while you're thinking about how much money you owe the government, how you, it's a hard, it's hard to find it. Yeah.

The, uh, I think the worst offenders have always been taxi cab companies. Cause they're trying to upsell you for, why don't you hire a van instead next time? Yeah. Why don't you get any, maybe you could get a wheelchair lift.

Yeah. I don't have a wheelchair. Um, but yeah, it was very, uh, it was, it was welcome.

And, uh, then the guy sent me a link so that he could like see my computer screen. And, uh, right away he was like, Oh, your desktop's a mess.

That's not part of this. And right away, he was like, huh, your desktop's a mess. What the fuck are you doing, buddy? That's not part of this. What? How did you? Where do you get off? Yeah. Can you report that? Get him fired?

Yeah. This call will be monitored for rudeness um so yeah that was my that like that at one apple problem took over an entire day of my life that i'll never get can you share your screen with us so we can see your my desktop yeah can you i uh i cleaned it up so now it's there's nothing on it it's just a picture of popeye that's all i have it's just one big folder that says homework don't look in it though um so i did that and then uh for the last couple weeks i've tried very unsuccessfully to order shoes online um because i just wanted a pair of sneakers

because my old sneakers are just kicking it. So I bought one pair online. They came, didn't fit, sent them back to the company. Got another pair online, didn't fit, sent it back to the company. Did you ever get those waterproof shoes? No. Yeah, I did. They totally didn't fit.

proof shoes uh no yeah i did they didn't they totally didn't fit um and then so strike three uh i decided to go to an actual shoe store during this time and i was mask up yeah mask up and shoes off yeah yeah it was it was fine but it's the first experience i've had where it wasn't like just a grocery store or whatever this was like my first like uh yeah like spending a time in a store because they make you try on seven different pairs of shoes um but you know what it was uh it was good there's masks and hand sanitizer everywhere foot sanitizer i'm sure it was also available now graham come on but uh have you guys like done anything outside of the sphere of grocery stores or pharmacies i don't think i have yeah it felt very surreal like it's like i've done a dairy queen oh yeah as a non

drive-thru and there was like yeah and waiting in line outside Dairy Queen feels very like the Soviet Union yes yeah I'm scheduled to have a haircut in two days and I am like a little freaked out about it but they've sent like an extensive list of like instructions on how to be safe. Um, to when I get my haircut. Well, there's a recently within the last week here in Vancouver, a bunch of people got sick from a strip club.

And, uh, I mean, what can you do? They, if you give them a personal protective equipment, they're just going to take it off. Yeah. Oh,

so first, I mean, the people watching should be all wearing, give them a personal protective equipment they're just gonna take it off yeah oh so yeah i mean the people watching should be all wearing yes you know outbreak suits would you fellas care for a sneeze dance yeah they yeah that is that was uh a very predictable outcome for the strip club yeah that they would be the first to uh create their own hot zone yeah uh james hartnett your uh co-host mike has a very funny podcast with james hartnett as guest uh and he's james hartnett sent me a um a link to that news story like of all the things like we we know each other but he doesn't send me links to things and unless it's like dave have you heard how bad the new weezer song is

that's basically all he sends me and then to send me this strip club link out of the blue was very strange oh james is very horny and he likes to uh spread the news about what's happening in the sex work industry to all of his friends well it's you know what don't believe in this boner powder that sprays up everywhere don't believe it's uh it's a it's fake news like like i just can't get inside of the mind of a person who, so it's a pandemic and they're like loosening restrictions. And the guy's like, I'm going fine.

I'm going to a strip club. If all businesses are open, I'm going to go to the strip club because I haven't gone for three months. And, uh, I have all these ones, all these loonies. When,

uh, I won't, I've never been to that strip club uh because it's on the fifth floor of a building that's right yeah like where their business offices are below yeah it seems very uh like uh there'd be a lot of people witnessing me uh also because it's the strip club that ben affleck went to and cheated on Jennifer Lopez and broke them up. Oh, really? That happened in Vancouver. Yeah.

Yeah, when he was making the movie Paycheck, maybe? Hey, any one of us, if we had acted in that movie, we would have been just as horny. Yes, that's true. And you know that Jennifer Lopez, the writer was on the wall. As soon as he signed off on that script, they were going to break up. That's right. So I successfully obtained some shoes and,

and it only took four full tries. And tell me about your new shoes. They're just a pair of black runners that are uh okay but no like the weird thing is i ordered a shoe because my dad's he runs marathon still uh and so i was like what kind of shoe do you like and he said it was like mizuno was the only brand for him so i ordered a pair of mizunos and it was like my foot was in prison. It was the worst, hardest walk I've had possibly ever. Aside from my life.

Were you like, oh no, I have my mother's feet. I clearly didn't inherit my dad's feet. I promised myself I would never be like them. Yeah. So that's my, that's my big win for the the week and also getting to talk to uh he didn't say his name the guy at apple so i can't report him yeah oh well they recorded it though you know they're gonna play it at their next keynote um now graham do you want to move on to our uh erotic movie yes i completely i like i uh was almost blanked on that

this week uh wait i think someone sent us a theme song oh really what was the madonna one sexy thrillers that is the theme from uh john n listener john n for our sexy thriller uh movie club yeah movie club um so last week we talked about the classic of the genre fatal attraction and this week single white female White Female was the pick of the week. This is, I don't know what year it came out. 92. 92. Where were you?

I was just taking a break after the 88 Olympics. Yeah, having your hard work. Still recovering. And it stars Jennifer Jason Leigh andason lee and uh bridget fonda and stephen weber and stephen weber that's right yes uh from wings from wings either have you seen this before no no i had not seen this before i'd only heard of it i think i saw it as a teenager maybe on one of those movie channels that we briefly had. Yeah.

And I think like they did a parody of it on either in Living Color or Mad TV. Like it was it was catnip to those those sketch writers. So we'd never seen this before. And but we all know what the setup was, right? I had no idea what it was about oh really yeah well we really ensnared you there um yeah well the setup is uh jennifer no um bridget fonda is a woman a 90s woman who is she breaks up with her fiance, Steven Weber from Wings

one of the Hackett brothers from Sandpiper Air and he and she needs a roommate and she places ads looking for a single white female which is, can you do that?

Yeah, that seems off. Illegal. Yeah, probably illegal, but off, certainly. What are the rules? Can you say, can you, you certainly cannot specify I need to live with a white person. Yeah, I think that's. Or is she describing herself? Is that describing herself or does it what is that describing

herself or she is that what she wants i don't remember okay oh maybe it is her describing herself that i'm a single white because it'd be strange if that was like yeah i'm a white supremacist looking for a roommate in new york city but it's it's but i guess she's saying are you a white supremacist who wants to live with me and then very out of step with what the movie is they kind of show a montage of bad potential roommates yeah one's a woman's a lesbian and that's a laugh that's the joke uh and then uh is there somebody else that like has crystals or something like that was there yeah like another kooky yeah uh applicant maybe and there's a sort of woody allen uh woody allen woman also who uh is complaining yes that's what it was yeah yes yes i don't cook i don't clean the uh and the apartment we should say is just insane yeah

there's like yeah the insane apartment hallway between the the bedrooms is bigger than most apartments yes and uh so you know jennifer jason lee at first blush the perfect roommate everything's uh everything's going great and she her name's hedra not a name maybe maybe an ancient greece or something yeah hey what's up my name's hedra and she they get along uh like a house on fire they they enjoy each other's company and so she moves in and then, when does she start acting weird? I can't remember. At first,

uh, she, she's like, Oh, I'm so plain. I don't know how to dress well. And then, uh,

Bridget Fonda gives her a makeover. Oh yes. But, but not a full makeover because Bridget Fonda at the time has a very, I think this was an iconic haircut for the time. Yeah. It was like a bowl cut with sideburns shooting out the side in a, uh,

kind of a, uh, maroon, maroon colored air. And, uh, Oh, also the,

the thing that, uh, surprised me one, kind of the most of the movie is how much nudity there was in it. Like there was a lot of, for a movie that's basically like a Hallmark channel movie in terms of plot, there was a lot of nudity in it.

So I watched a censored version because my girlfriend had like PVR'd it off of like a Ctv channel or something so all of the nudity and swearing when when when like a year ago out like coincidentally and it was just happened to still be on her pvr yeah and so we watched the censored version that had no swearing and all the all the breasts were like blurred out um and they cut out that's a weird censored version yeah yeah there is yeah so there's like a lot of butt shots a lot of boob shots um uh steven weber's butt is in it yeah and like when steven is the fact that steven weber is in it so much removes a lot of the eroticism and thrills i I just think of it as,

as, uh, one of the, one of those Hackett brothers. Yeah. Brian Hackett. The, uh,

yeah, that, that was completely, uh, like you couldn't excuse that for a second. It was too, it was too hard to make sense out of why he was in this movie. Oh,

and also, there's a vent in uh her apartment that can hear crystal clear the upstairs neighbor yeah and uh and vice versa i had a major problem with that being like just a little too coincidental as a major like um thing that like uh set like huge plot points in motion of like oh just by coincidence you can hear all these important details through the vent of the apartment yeah yeah i'm going in hard here guys it would be like yeah you you take no prisoners and so uh so jennifer jason lee starts acting where she gets a dog, which is, uh, without asking. Yeah.

Uh, and then like within, uh, the next couple of scenes, uh, Bridget Fonda loves the dog. Yeah. She's a big dog fan.

She gets back with Steven Weber and she's gonna, and they get engaged right away. And so they're going to have to, uh, uh, uh, get rid of Jennifer, Jason Lee, who starts acting a little bit kooky.

Yeah. And, and is mean to the dog. And at first, uh, yeah, she's mean to the dog is, uh,

kind of an understatement because that dog, uh, is no longer with us. Well, no, she does. She does like a shut up and like pushes it away. Oh, yeah, yeah. First.

Where it was just early signs of oncoming trauma. And then there's a weird scene where like Bridget Fonda and Steven Weber have sex and then Bridget Fonda gets up and then by the time she gets back to her bedroom, Jennifer Jason Leigh is

like chit-chatting. Like, hmm.it chatting. Like, Hmm. Yeah. Hey guys. Oh, it smells like you guys just fucked. Typical roommate stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of doors just left open. Yeah, that's right. And like, wasn't the nineties.

Yeah. It was the nineties. And there was this, there's a scene somewhere close to that where bridget fonda walks in on her masturbating yeah and uh because she hears her moaning and the door is open which just seems like bad roommate etiquette uh i've lived with roommates before and we all had the talk about that, you know? Hey, stop moaning so much when you're masturbating or I'm coming in there.

Yeah. Moan into a pillow if you can. It, uh, was very like the, um, yeah. How,

in your version of it, uh, with the censored version, were the moans disguised as like laughs no the she's turning into santa claus uh she was moaning they kept that in um and uh i think that scene was left uh as in oh wow okay but any showering or at that early scene where um bridget fonda is caught by jennifer jason lee trying on earrings in the room uh jennifer jason lee takes off her top suddenly and bridget fonda is like nervous they blurred her nipples out in uh in my version

which was chilling and i wonder in the plot is it like oh well she's like are we supposed to think oh this woman's masturbating she must be crazy yeah yeah this is insane only no one does that in new york city meanwhile i'm watching it and it's all i'm doing and my roommates know i like also that it's like they're they're presented as as you've well as we've talked about it's like this beautiful palatial like new york city apartment like a dream come true but they're presented as if they're like oh there are two girls roughing it in new york city and it's everyone reacts it's like this place kind of sucks it's like everything's broken and uh falling apart and it's i did find it weird that

they were it was such a big place they had no pictures on the walls that's right if you're really truly roughing it you have a bad poster on your wall yeah exactly of of slashes the solo album slash a snake bit that wasn't out yet gray um so then uh and you know what both bridget fun and jennifer jason lee are really good in this movie they're like yes like they're uh counterpoint yeah go ahead after watching fatal attraction i think that they were not as good as that no they weren't as good as glenn close but that's too high a bar you know we should have started with single white female worked our way up right right right um yeah so then jennifer jason lee starts acting a little bit more it's like all escalating the dog falls out the window or does it or does it yeah uh then uh oh steven tobolowski is um oh yeah frigid fonda's client yeah and uh she's like

got this fashion software for him she's a fashion hacker yeah she's some kind of fashion hacker and uh but then he makes a pass at her and he's a little too aggressive. Yeah, that's right. And she knees him in the balls. Yeah. Yeah. Because, uh, he's like, you know, uh, canoodling with her from behind and she's like, I want to turn around. And he's like, oh, well then I might as well pull my pants down. Yeah.

And then she's like, yeah, it made a nice bullseye for her to hit. And, uh, and then, uh then Hedy, Jennifer Jason Leigh, gets the same haircut. And that's when you know things are kooky. Yeah, and that's kind of the famous thing about the movie is that they both have the same hairdo because one was fashionable and the other one was kooky. Did that spark a

trend at the time? I can't remember. I was getting the haircut of the person you're stalking. Yeah, it did. It was a big year for stalkers. Yeah, it wasn't the Rachel but I think it was a pretty popular haircut. Yeah, it was like Demi Moore had the

same haircut in Ghost. it was like a bowl cut again with sideburns like you're a mod yeah um and then at some point she goes over and and does some stuff with steven weber and he's like tricked he's tricked into orgasming she tricks him into a yeah into a blowjob yeah every man's worst nightmare he um it's it's the crazy it's probably the craziest scene in the movie yeah and that's one of the i think that's one of the famous things about the movie, too. I watched this with Abby last night, and we were trying to remember the things we knew about the movie. And we were like, they get the same haircut, and someone gets killed with a stiletto heel.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot that. And so, yeah, Jennifer Jason Leigh kills him with a shoeiletto heel oh yeah i almost forgot that all right and so yeah jennifer jason lee kills him with a uh shoe to the face that's right and her uh how much should we reveal is that like because then there's a there's escalating trouble i don't think i like erotic thrillers really like not in terms of like come on just from from these last two i just feel like it's the the plots are just very boring like it's just you know you you know how it's gonna end it's like a bunch of stuff happens things get worse and worse and then they just

the endings are all just kind of well we have to have a showdown yeah and uh i don't know i love it i love the formula it uh works for me every time maybe it was the directors like because i could see this trying to aim to be like as good as like a hitchcock like you know like vertigo right or like strangers on a train or something or even something like rosemary's Baby, but it just wasn't as good as those classic thrillers. It tried to be, and it was just funny. It was just kind of disposable. Yeah. Yeah, but it was a notable,

it's the go-to roommate tale that you would... Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah it's like don't get a roommate yeah never have a roommate especially one crazy suffering from mental illness yeah make sure that uh they're all clean in the noggin they they should have gone with the you know one of the other kooky characters from the montage did you you guys like when Bridget Fonda tried to when Jennifer Jason Leigh left the room for a second, she tried to use her CompuServe account to email the police for help? We don't have anybody working the computers tonight, so just leave us a message.

Quickly, tweet the police now dave are we gonna watch another sexy thriller are you done with the genre no no i'm not done with the format i just these last two have have been uh disappointing in in the endings of just like well what what why did i even watch the first 90 minutes of the last 15 it's just going to be a uh like hand-to-hand fight well do you there's one that i had in mind that's a it's less like a thriller but it does have thrilling aspects to it and it definitely is okay a sexy film now i'm forgetting what it's exactly it's called but it has richer gear in it um unfaithful it's called unfaithful um that feels like too modern because that feels like was that what year did that come out i think probably like 2001 or two or something like that

yeah i thought we were just doing 80s and 90s like that that like window i just wanted to introduce a possible one that doesn't have the same oh tropes did you already watch it is that why i yeah and i have i've seen it many times is it hot and horny it's very hot and horny yeah it's very hot and horny and it has a kind of a surprising twist. Okay, we'll do that. And then can we end on Basic Instinct? Yes, absolutely. That's the top of the pyramid in terms of horny thrillers.

Horny thrillers. Any final thoughts on Single White F-Mail? I think just don't ever get a roommate and you'll be okay you know that's that's if you have a huge apartment in new york don't take on anybody else you just pay the rent yourself you pay the five thousand dollars a month rent and if your roommate is trying to kill you don't single white email the police mike any any parting thoughts about uh single white female um i wanted to see more of the dog and i was sad and the dog passed away so early in the movie and uh yeah they it would have been nice if the dog was like ghost had returned to you know for other scenes later on yeah would turn it into a ghost ghost-like movie yeah there's a website called does the dog die

and it's you put in any movie and it tells you if the dog that's in it dies yeah then you can make your decision from there i looked at that up uh for this one yeah and uh yeah it was true it did have you guys ever heard of the website is the roommate crazy yeah if i had known yeah um well should we move on uh to a little bit of business sure yeah it's business baby we got a jumbotron this week uh and this one graham do you have it up on your screen uh no i don't i do not uh oh well i'll do you know what i'll drive okay you drive this one is from patrick and this is for normally people write these you know to their loved ones or uh someone in their lives this one is for david Graham. Oh, my goodness.

And Patrick writes, I just wanted to thank the both of you for the time and energy you two put into the show. I know it's not easy to keep things light, but the show has helped me through some really dark times, and I wanted to show my appreciation. Oh, that's very sweet. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Be well. We will. That is from patrick it's not uh just a message that i sent to myself although that is your alias that is i do go by patrick when i need a when i'm you know putting my starbucks order in because i want to see how they misspell it well thanks patrick thank you so much patrick that's a what a nice sentiment thank you yeah and uh well to respond to that yeah yeah thank you you know we try yeah and uh we'll keep on trying you know that's all we can do if you would like to put get a jumbotron message on the show you go to maximumfund.org slash jumbotron and you don't even have to write a nice thing about us message on the show, you go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron

and you don't even have to write a nice thing about us. We'll read it even if it's a takedown. Yeah, that's right. We're that brave. Should we move on to some overheards? Do it. Readers have a lot of problems. How do you juggle your holes at the library?

How do you decide what to read next? What do you do when you find out an author you love is a huge trash baby? I'm Brea Grant. And I'm Mallory O'Meara. And we're the hosts of Reading Glasses. We're here to solve all your reader problems and along the way, help you figure out your reader wheelhouse. Which are the things that will absolutely make you pick up a book. Our listener favorites tend to be magic and a woman on a journey.

And also birds for some reason. Your reader doghouse. Yeah, that's the things that'll make you avoid a book. Ugh, love triangles stress me out so much. Reading glasses. Every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Rocket Ship One, this is Mission Control. Come in. This is Rocket Ship One. Go ahead.

Rocket Ship, what's your status on Max Fund Drive? Shouldn't we have seen it by now? Sorry about that, Mission Control. Turns out I miscalculated. Current projected ETA for Max Fund Drive is... July 13. But it looks different. It'll be for...

four weeks, so it's longer than expected, but all readings point to low-key. Oh, that'll be good. But can you verify that there are still special gifts for new and upgrading monthly members? Verified. Sweet gifts for new and upgrading members, plus amazing new

episodes and even special weekly live streams for charity. Copy that. Rocketship, can you confirm ETA for Max Fund Drive? 90% probability of Max Fund Drive from July 13th to August 7th. Did you say 90%? There were a couple of decimal places, and I might have carried a zero wrong. I'm just going to pencil in July 13th to August 7th. Mission Control out.

Get a pencil in July 13th to August 7th. Mission Control out. Overheard. Welcome to Overheard. A segment where we dissect society. It's a segment where if you hear something fantastic

or see something fantastic you can report it back here to the podcast and we always like to start with the guest mike would you take us on a journey um sure i'd love to and did you gulp to start nervous am i the first gulper on your show um i was trying to think of so you know i haven't been leaving the house much lately and when i do i listen to a podcast so i was trying to think of something i've overheard nothing much came to mind except for something from before the lockdown um something i overheard on my last trip to los angeles and i was in a bar you know it's a showbiz city and i was in a bar and there was a couple

beside me who were clearly on a date and the the guy was really trying to impress the woman and i happened to overhear him saying to her he's like you know well yeah i'm in the business but you know you know and in fact uh and he was like really trying to you know to dazzle her he's like yeah it's you know it's no big deal but i have worked with wayne brady before i mean i've been on his game show yeah i've made a deal with him making deals with wayne brady yeah and i don't know how the date ended but i'd like to think that uh she immediately was like this is the i will do anything for this man he is maybe wayne brady you know he maybe knows whose line it is anyway and i can't wait to find out um yeah wayne brady is he's he's like a beautiful singer but he's in comedy so maybe he wasn't

beautiful enough as a singer but in comedy he's the most beautiful singer i mean i don't even know who would be close yeah who else sings uh any young men used to have a nice voice any um yeah more of a violinist um you know the smothers brothers they sing uh jerry steinfeld jerry steinfeld produced all the theme songs for Seinfeld Weird Al Yankovic Great voice Voice of a generation, several generations Dave, do you have an overheard? Guys, I got out of the house and I got

an actual overheard that's not my kids Nice This is, I went to Home Depot last weekend and it's great You can wear a mask, and you're not required to, and most people don't. Yes, that is the theme I've been picking up. The fact that our numbers aren't higher is kind of strange to me when I witness everything going on outside.

Yeah, exactly. We. But yeah, exactly. Uh, we're doing fine. Apparently, um, somebody's, uh, eating hot butter popcorn in front of you in line.

Yeah. Just licking their fingers. Um, so, uh, I was at home Depot and this is the, just a snippet of a conversation of a man on the phone. Very loud saying,

well, I can't because I'm not there right now. I am at home Depot. just a snippet of a conversation of a man on the phone, very loud saying, well, I can't because I'm not there right now. I am at Home Depot. Well, then go the fuck downstairs. And if you don't have stairs, I can come home and build them. I am at Home Depot.

Yeah, that's great. That is, is that somebody talking to his boss? who is he talking to? no this was

in terms of status he has status over this person it was someone at his home I think yeah well I hope I hope that everybody's safe I hope so maybe there's a home intruder

or something and his wife was like there's someone in the house she's like well I'm at the Home Depot go downstairs i can't really help you with that honey uh go the fuck downstairs and email the police if you can't get to the downstairs computer the police you can get on their gopher network uh mine is uh uh somebody said something to me uh where uh there was some r&b music playing yeah yeah i like it i like this while you're on hold no this is this was in a this was in a car i was in a car and i was in charge of the radio. Where, when was this?

Uh, this was, uh, like a week ago. You got to be in a car. I mean, we had to wipe that thing down. Woof. Um,

but, uh, what was said to me is, yeah, you really like our B and B. Grant loves our B and B music. I love it rhythm blues

and blues and breakfast now we also have overheard sent to us from people all over the globe if you want to send one you can send it into

spy at maximum fun dot org and the first one is from Pat M from Portland, Oregon. Uh,

this is an overseen that he saw on like a spammy clickbait article. I love it. And the, uh, the title was Sandra Bullock's son used to be adorable. Now he looks insane. Those, I just,

I love that there they've gotten beyond the pale now with those where they will like literally take a picture of a celebrity and they clearly digitally alter it either just like using some kind of uh snapchat filter or they will just like stretch it out to make their face enormous they don't want to see they don't want you to see what they look like now candace cameron does not want you to see what her new body looks like what was sandra bullock's son doing in the picture like holding a decapitated human head and like masturbating no you gotta click you gotta click to see how insane he looks graham won't do it yeah i won't but he only gets like 14 clicks a day at his computer

um this next one comes from dan s from london england i was riding the bus from south wimbledon to morden in south lond. When passing a kebab shop, a little boy sitting in front of me pointed to the spit of rotating meat and said, Mommy, that looks like daddy's penis. No way. You're doing something very wrong. Rotating and sweating. With an onion on top.

And that man shaving it is the same man who shaves meat off dad's penis yeah we should all be so lucky to have somebody say that our penis looks like a kebab yeah yeah the closest i get is, uh, those rotisserie chickens in the grocery store. Uh, and this last one comes from Jason in San Jose, California. A few years ago,

I worked on the top floor of the Disneyland office building, the floor where all the theme park executives also work. I was using the bathroom closest to the executives' offices. That part of the office was very quiet and serious. To my surprise, when I looked to the right, I noticed that someone had written a little phrase in pencil on the wall in the space between the wall paneling. It read, no doubt rules when stefani

very like signed by gwen stefani i think that's what they were implying like when like that's a quote no doubt rules when stefani i mean yeah she would say that yeah but you know lamb lamb rules, too. You've got to be your biggest fan. If you don't love yourself. That's what ended her first marriage. She couldn't stop boasting about how great, no doubt, were. Bush sucks.

I've got feelings, too, Gwen. Hey, Gavin. No doubt rules. Shut up. Blur sucks. I'm not in Blur. I'm in Bush. In addition to overheards that are written in,

we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. Spy pod one, like these people have. Hey, Dave Graham and possibly wonderful guest. This is Andrew from Kansas City calling with an overheard. I work for an appliance repair company. I just finished up a job. The gentleman who I was working with, the homeowner, pulled out his phone and he said, do you accept Venmo? And I said, absolutely we do. And I pulled out my phone so he could scan it.

But he was having a little bit of trouble, I think maybe the internet connection or couldn't get the name quite right. His wife came over and said, do you want me to just give him a check? And he said, no, no. No, the teens love Venmo. Let me keep trying.

And I'm in my late 20s but no I gotta get this right yeah um I've never uh I've never done the

phone to phone uh money transfer is that what he was talking about I we don't have Venmo here I don't think no we just we got

uh we got PayPal yeah we got satchmo which is dizzy gillespie i think it's the only app he endorses yeah uh when you need to transfer a large amount of air from your cheeks to someone else's um but uh yeah no it's uh do you remember when uh iphones first came out and they were like you'll be able to like if you have a picture on your phone and you want to send it to someone else's phone you'll be able to like slap phones with them does that ring a bell but like, that's how everybody's screen broke, smashing their phones together. Here's a picture of, imagine breaking your phone from getting like a picture of like Homer disappearing into the bushes. It's not worth it. Check out this meme I found.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you'd have to call Apple from your phone. Next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests. I was just in line at the grocery store, like 15th or so in line, and heard this horrible glass crashing sound. And I wasn't sure what it was. And then someone walked past me

and I'm playing at the register saying to her co-worker, no I have to go get the other wet floor sign. That wet floor sign was too wet. No idea what happened. Wet floor shine? Floor sign.

A bottle had just smashed and she needed to get a wet floor sign but the other one's too moist too wet yeah the uh you know where where is she like a grocery store yes did you hear the call no it was really staticky so i only caught that she was standing in line and a glass shattered and then the rest of it i was just trying to put it together in my head let's just i can't do these zoom calls anymore come over uh all right here's your final one uh hi uh hi dave graham and possible guest uh this is casey uh in chicago uh i am i

don't know what with my dog right now and someone has a bumper sticker that says i heart aging and dying so that's i mean i assume i like dying yeah yeah yeah aging has been fine so far i don't i can't even imagine what that where would you get that bumper sticker was it queen elizabeth's bumper sticker it was gavin rossdale oh god ever since gwen left and we've we've talked on the podcast about how bush in canada was had to change their name because another band called bush existed here i mean we probably talk about it everywhere yeah we talk about it bush was originally bush x in canada but like this

today we're recording it as canada day and it feels very much like a good time to bring up bush x bush x yeah do you remember bush x michael oh of course i never was a fan but i remember all their their big songs you don't have to say that he's in gwen stefani's camp how you doing winnipeg we're bush who bush x bush x well that's fantastic I can't wait to look online to see if I can find the same bumper sticker I love dying and aging

no aging and dying important to do it in the right order well that brings us to the end of this episode Mike you have an album out right now and you also have a very funny podcast that we've both been guests on yeah yes and uh so tell us tell us the things so my podcast uh that i do with my friend and pod partner james hartnett is called the landlord and tenant pod mess uh it's a comedy

podcast the premise is uh that he is my uh landlord i'm his tenant and we argue uh then we have actual comedians and actors and musicians on as guests and it's very fun uh the landlord and tenant pod mess and my debut and farewell stand-up album is called complete discography and it's on all the major uh digital platforms apple spotify and a russian service called yandex yes yes in canada it's just known as yan and then the other countries, it's Yanax. But yes, please listen to it, listeners. I would love for you to hear my irreverent take on modern life. Oh, boy.

It's so funny, and that's where I got the idea that you were in an indie choir. He really fooled you so hard. Yeah, yeah. an indie choir you've really you really yeah fooled you so hard yeah yeah i feel like uh oprah winfrey when that guy lied in his uh now we promoted your comedy album on here and only to find out that you made a fool of all of the premise of your comedy was gotcha but yeah if you're uh if you want to hear from a uh straight white man at this moment in history be sure to check out my album it's yeah it's really funny it's crucial yeah um oh yeah um i also i i would i mentioned it earlier i was on the hunks podcast

this week oh yes so check that check that out and uh we've uh had a couple of false starts with our max fun drive that's right so far this year and um the so normally the max fun drive is a pretty intensive two weeks where we ask you to donate to the network. We've, in light of the state of the world, but still wanting to actually get it done, I believe, now I might have to edit this out. But starting next week, we will be doing a much more low-key four-week MaxFunDrive spread out over a longer time, but with a lot less messaging and a lot less. We won't have two episodes devoted entirely to it. We'll just have four episodes where we talk about it a little bit. Yeah.

And so listen to those when they come out. And thank you, everybody, for listening to the show. Thank you for listening. I hope everybody's doing well and taking care of themselves or other people. And we'll see you back here next week on a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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