Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 654 - Maddy Kelly

Episode Date: September 29, 2020

Comedian Maddy Kelly returns to talk dating bets, more sauerkraut, and a hallway gully.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 654 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who's very excited that our episode is 654, and we haven't been that excited since 321. So, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, we probably were excited at 543 and 432. That's true. Do you get that you when you reach a time like that during the day oh yeah well or like if someone texts me at 11 11 i'm like well this is meaningful

yeah this is yeah exactly you ever look at a digital clock and uh like the the seconds ticking by and the second that you look at it seems to last for like two seconds yes yeah yeah uh this is this is back in the days before you had a phone to uh to keep your company in bed you just stared at your alarm clock i think i did or like if you had like an indiglo watch yeah no i'm serious like that is what that was the option i was is a read? Oh, yeah. And the alarm clock would blink. The, like, colon would blink every second. And you'd count. And you'd be like, oh, this is what prison's like.

Our guest today, a return guest to the podcast, a wonderful, hilarious comedian. It's Maddie Kelly, everybody. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm'm good i would love to talk about this whole clock thing yeah okay i want to hear your take okay do i start now you you have 30 seconds go let's get to know us let's get to know us get to know us okay when i was a kid i had a little tv in my room a little vhs player

whoa and the vhs player blinked and a bunk bed so i was pretty much eye level with the tv like and it was very small room it was actually not a room it was a maid's closet you know how apartments have that so no no windows so you could only enter it through my dad's room fun that's fun i know or through my dad's room. Fun. That's fun. I know. Or through a maid's closet. Did you have to take a dumb waiter down to it? But it also had its own door.

I could go into my dad's room or I could go out into the hall. Those were my options. Were you a maid? Were you your dad's maid? Yeah. And who were you bunking with? It wasn't your dad. Was he on the top bunk?

No, this is so fucking sad he got me a bunk bed and i was an only child we'll get you a cat so that it goes no friends like no one ever ever slept in that bunk bed the entire time my five six year old now wants a loft bed oh yeah it's like a bunk bed where you just sleep up high and then you have that is truly the dream a loft bed and a canopy bed are like literally little girls and then you have like more room on the floor for activities yeah for like what your office like your what are you doing you don't need that much room kids spend all their time on the carpet yeah they're always on the carpet they're uh they're doing things in

their mind that are very important business and so a loft bed is going to only further their empire now when you say you had a vhs machine you mean a vcr and it was was it you said it was blinking was it oh yeah so was it blinking 12 i don't remember what it blinked but it blinked and i used to play this game when i couldn't sleep where I would open and close my eyes so it would look like it was always on or always off. Some kind of strobe effect. Like, I'm going to beat the strobe light at its own game. And sometimes you'd get off and you'd feel kind of sick from like, you know what I mean?

Because it would be flashing and you're flashing. sick from like because they would be flashing and you're flashing and like when you're on the bus and you are watching the the uh windshield wipers go at different speeds but then they sync up at one point totally and then everyone on the bus has a simultaneous oh um yeah coordinating little things or like i mean the very famous example of this is the little guy going into the corner of the screen oh and the dvd menu yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um also oh my god did you guys have a computer with that pipe screensaver yes yeah that was i would watch that with a with a chips and a soda. I'd hang out by that. And why didn't you have any friends at that age?

Yeah, weird. Oh, and then my freaking sister gets born, right? What a bitch. This guy gets another bunk bed. Did he put it on top of the old one? It was wild. It was wild. Neither of us had friends.

And we were just, and no one ever slept in any of them. And then also, same apartment, right? We didn't move out of this apartment. And like for reference, she's my half sister. That's why I said I was an only child.

And she was born like, I was eight when she came along, which is like, you're fully formed as like a weird only child by eight. You know? You're like drinking espresso, asking people why they got divorced like you're yeah in with the adults but she comes along by the way as an adult i've never asked

everyone why they got divorced yeah really i'm always like what happened no see a kid wouldn't know the social grace to not ask that that's that's why it's a kid you know what's crazy too is people will tell you if you ask someone in a vulnerable state what's going on, they'll tell you. What are the bigger reasons? Bad sex. Bad money. Bad sex? Well, no.

What were you doing getting into this? I'm going to get divorced. Abby's going to divorce me any day. Why'd you ask if you didn't want to know? These are sad reasons. They got divorced. I have bad money. It's all counterfeit.

People are always like, like oh we grew apart and then i tell i asked my mom and she'd be like i don't they didn't have sex and i'd be like okay oh okay anyway well so yeah that's sad do you like hanging out with sad adults more than hanging out with people your own age yeah why because people my own age thought i was so weird i was asking such big questions you were asking them why they got divorced and they were like no wrong well you guys know i think i've told the story on the podcast before i've been i was married and divorced and married and divorced when i was a small child oh yes yeah so i had my own i had my own skin in the game. I related to these women. So it's been like a year since we've had you on the podcast. You were also on episode, this is episode 654, you were on 554 as well.

Ooh, I'm the 100 episode. Yeah, you're like 5440 over here. Well, I thought my role on this podcast was to be Halloween guest. Yeah. Okay. But, you know, we'll have you back for halloween no i'm very great thanks no but i'm very grateful to be because i would like out of this bet i would like this bet we have to be okay so put to bed all right so every year you and graham have a bet and what are the bets what was the first one do you remember okay well we can tell the real story now i didn't tell it on air but we had a bet about who would last longer elon musk and grimes or

pete davidson ariana grande that's right okay but we also had a bit sorry who won that uh you did maddie did they broke up like pete davidson ariana grande broke up the next day okay that's who graham said was forever yeah yeah he said they were forever elon musk and meanwhile grimes is being still being terrorized by elon musk with his devil spawn yeah she's stuck with him and is terrible yeah but we also had a secret bet we didn't talk about on the podcast that i had just gone through a breakup and gra bet me $20 that we would be back together within six months. And? And we were. That's right.

So then I was rolling in it. So then you won. Yeah. So now I'm betting with house money, which is great. Then you're, it's all, you know, what is the, I don't know any phrases. He's betting with house money. Yeah, I'm betting with house money. Yeah.

So then I come back on the podcast. Once again again a month after we've broken up yeah and uh we bet that i would like to go a year being single yes that's right oh yes yeah and and your ex has since gotten married and then my ex immediately got married and you asked so that that's gonna help would that help you stay single that definitely would help you i was like someone better get me pregnant like i i have to make moves here we'll let this guy get the upper hand it was a bit of a it was a it was a bit of a curse i think this bet because i bet firstly i bet against myself remember yeah i said that i couldn't make it you should always spend on yourself and you said that i could always bet on yourself and so did you did you stay single yeah of course global pandemic where was i i don't

remember what year that was that was the last one yeah that was the last one so he got married but that was last october you had you had months pandemic. Yeah, but I was trying to be single. But you were also trying to get pregnant. I'm a conflicted soul. That's what that Ace of Base song's about. That's why I'm trying to figure it out. And then the pandemic happened. And so do you feel like you've done it?

You've done the full year being single? I feel like I've done about seven years, to be honest. How is it as a fund? So who won that bet graham i did okay and with house money yeah so now what's the expression what's that expression i'm thinking of for when you have like the money from the house yes the house always wins russia house um john connery what is with the anyway i won't relitigate this but what is it that i'm thinking of what are you thinking of i don't know what you're thinking of i'm really worried it's the expression i'm thinking of is betting with house money but i think it's like you know it's

all gravy you're in the you're in the you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah in the black you've got gravy the house has gravy it's all profit from here it's all profit it means that if you're not betting any of your own money now it's all the casino's money um now uh were there any other celebrity beds no no because nobody else was no there's no hot couple we couldn't we couldn't all the davidson with a year ago kate beckinsale yeah oh and guess who she's with now who a 20 another 22 year old which one um he's canadian um musician something something john mendez no dennis shapovalov i would just I looked it up. Who is Kate? It automatically fills. Who is Kate Beckinsale

dating? She's dating Goody Grace. Goody Grace. Oh, she sucks. Yeah. Who sucks? Goody Grace or Kate Beckinsale? Kate Beckinsale. But she's, you know what? She's doing it for herself. I applaud her efforts. I just don't understand

because I don't want to fuck 22 year old not now it's remotely how old are you i'm 24 oh yeah i get it but i don't want to fuck 24 year olds either you know what would you what do you oh they're so guys they are not i i don't know how to ask this question but who do you want to fuck just like people who aren't terrified of themselves and their own feelings and what age does that start in your mind uh i don't i'm not i haven't found it yet i keep going up no i don't know but like okay well okay here's my here's my analysis okay um here we go you're actually in a cool zone like in your teens surprisingly you're in a cal zone because nobody knows what they're really

doing so you actually get to like be vulnerable right but now why do you think why do you think that teenagers don't know what they're doing and then 20 year olds do they know what they're doing no they don't but they think they they're too scared to admit that they don't okay because it hasn't been very much time you know right like my grandfather was fighting in a war at my age what am i uh you know i'm what is this character drunk you know is this character you're doing drunk hey yeah oh no literally you'll go on dates where people where you're like this guy's fucking smashed why would anyone look i've never dated i was it was an arranged thing yeah it was a child marriage but do how could you not date drunk um you know

uh you do it for as long as you can. And then you either your liver gives out or you get married. Those are the two choices. I have a little sherry while I'm doing makeup. Sure. But I'm not like six beers deep going to East is East. You're having a sherry. How old are you?

You really do want to land an older guy. And then, okay. And then I don't know i i can't find any single 25 year olds they're all in relationships which is interesting yeah we are and then they get into the zone when they're 28 where they're like literally insufferable can't oh yeah because they survived the 27 club yeah that's right yeah they're so braggadocious yeah nothing will kill me i think they're just freaked out because they're like in tv shows i'd be like married but i'm like an idiot you know what i mean but they're they're annoying nobody's

married at 28 anymore except like the amish no people are i think small getting married yeah small town people are married at 28 really yeah there's a huge engagement epidemic happening in my friend group right now what do you what do you think about engagement photos do you think that's a that's a rip or is that something that's always been around i have no idea uh i think it's a rip as the only married person here that i know of wait till i finish my story i secretly think graham would get married and not tell me. Oh my God, he really would. And I'd be pissed. But the idea, like, we definitely don't, you know, get together and look at the marriage photo album.

Aw. So I can't imagine, had we gotten engagement photos, that we ever would look at those. No, but you... They're just for social media. Yeah. I can't imagine had we gotten engagement photos that we ever would look at those. No, but you. Are they just, they're just for social media. Yeah. No, but Monica and Chandler got, it used to be you get engagement photos done for the paper announcement. What?

I guess that's true. But wouldn't you just do a composite and send it in? Kind of a couple pictures and tape them together. Just send in, you know, a family matters. send them an urkel have you noticed like the people that you're closest to in your life you actually don't have pictures with what do you mean me and my best friend i post a picture of me and graham every week from this me and my best friend have not a single picture of us like we no one ever takes pictures of us. Huh. Is she a ghost?

And we're just very present. Me and my best friend, who totally exist. It would be nice to be like, okay, whatever, take a picture of us. You know what? You can ask a third party. It's like you and her don't have to take the photo. A third party can come in and take some photos of you. You should just have some friend photos taken.

Go out to a field and goof around and get get a photographer to just i want to do that we're engaged to be friends she said yes uh that's cute no i think i actually do want to do that though yeah well maybe not like i think the biggest problem is that people have bad taste how do you mean well imagine if you like got a good photo taken where you guys are like laughing and you look like it looks like normal life and you're like happy like wouldn't you want that forever yes and what does that have to do with bad taste oh i have no impulse to get a picture of me like in a in a field yeah it's the the idea of like you're in a pumpkin patch but you're like like not so dressed up that you're getting married but you're like a little

dressed up like that that situation does not exist yeah and you're a little drunk off a cider but not too drunk to drive home you're six six drinks in i grew up in apartments i live in apartments now i will probably die in apartments where what is this representing in my life this field i'd have to go find a field and ask if i could go in there but people who live in houses don't have fields in their yards they just have yards in this case are you just saying you would get pictures of you in your apartment? Like a cityscape. Like the courthouse steps and we're laughing.

So are you actually getting married in this situation? What about like the Skytrain? You're at a protest. It's me and my best friend in this panhandler. How about us protesting okay yeah how about us doing what we do as a couple advocating for change in this crazy world what kind of change are we talking about uh good stuff good stuff yeah yeah bunk beds for all no you you didn't hear the point of the story i think bunk beds are cruel do you have

one now yeah i have one now and your best friend is the same one from childhood my stepdad it's very confusing why i have a dad and a stepdad blah blah oh no it's not it's not confusing at all wait but i haven't told you the part of the story yet my stepdad and my mom are separated and that he went on to have twins right okay with another woman after your mom yeah but i still call him my stepdad okay and he literally they get pregnant with twins and my dad's like i got bunk beds for him he's been trying to unload these like three sets of bunk beds he bought 20 years ago yeah he was just manifesting twins how many parents do each of your parents how many parents do each of your parents,

how many kids do each of your parents have? My, uh, I have a half-sister. Then there's me, and now there's these twins. The twins aren't related to you at all? The twins are not related to me at all, but what's so weird is they look just like me. Oh, okay.

Hmm. What age are they? They're one and a half. Okay. Hmm. Hmm. Um, what, um, age are they? They're one and a half. Okay. Yeah. He had twin babies at 56. His first kids. 56.

Isn't that crazy? Hotter than a couple of twin babies. 56. What are your 56 year old men dateable? Uh, for me, I don't know. No.

Um, the oldest I've ever gone was 42. And he asked me to go to a lobster party with his friends and i was like i think we're in different places i've first of all i've never heard of a lobster party so i think you haven't oh yeah no it's like it was one of these things teens are doing that parents are so worried about it's a tiktok craze everybody gets their butter dish out everyone yeah dips their fingers in butter and squeezes each other's butts pinches um did you go to the lobster party or were you like no that was it for me that was that was the deal breaker what where what why not i love i'm a

lobster stand um yeah and i would go to any lobster event like i wouldn't i wouldn't go to a party but if they added the word lobster i'd be like oh i'll consider it i think you just thought like like at the time i remember like i had days in 38 year olds and 38 feels like an old young person at the time how old were you i don't want to say but like no you can say because that you're not the one who's broken yeah exactly yeah yeah uh it's so funny that now like all that was like my thing like i don't know if you've seen me do stand-up i'm like a lot of jokes about dating older guys yeah and then i've not seen you do stand now no you have not um i didn't really mean you i meant like the audience you know yeah yeah yeah and i'm speaking for them like i weirdly now

i feel like all my jokes got canceled even though you know what i mean like they don't there's the context has changed so you're saying you got canceled i feel a little canceled can we have we've never had someone canceled on the show but no but it sounds like maddie's as close as i just feel like you can get treated so badly and meanly by boys your own age. Why are we making this specifically age? Have a nice time, go to a lobster party, watch whatever they want to do. I don't know. Some of these guys.

But 42, oh, that was the joke. So 38, right? Old, young person. But 42 is like a young, old person. Young, old person. Okay, i get i don't get what you're saying any young man yes yes um a bud freeman um but he was chill we text i'm like how are how are you and he's like and he's like i came to operate this phone i'm an old man can you my vcr is blinking 12 can you fix it for me that's that's what i was doing when you sent

this cryptic message uh you up yes i'm up i'm i'm trying to syncopate my blinking with the blinking of the vcr um so a 42 year old that was the one with the lobster party is that was 38 yeah yeah that was that was the lobster um as lobster party? Or that was the 38-year-old? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the lobster party. As when you grow up, do you think you'll attend a lobster party? Yeah, when I'm ready. When you're ready. Okay. I'm 39, and I'm so excited.

I need three years to lobster party. There you go. The other foil to this, which I haven't really told you, which you may think is different, but I'm now allergic to lobsters. Now? Yeah. Were you ever? Did you have one when you were younger?

Oh, yeah. I had tons. Wait, you had tons of lobster or you had an allergy to lobster? No, I had tons of lobster. You should have tons of lobster. I went on the Alaskan cruise once. So you eat a lot of lobster. Yeah.

Fuck. Sounds great. Yeah. It was eat a lot of lobster. Yeah. Fuck. Sounds great. Yeah. It was the worst week of my life. Oh, please. Now, don't skip over this. Did you go with your 45-year-old boyfriend? Nope.

I went with... Here's another story of me being sort of caught in the middle. So we went with my stepmoms. What were the early stories? Have there been other stories of you caught in the middle? Generationally. Because we went with my stepmom's family. You're playing with house money.

Yeah, house money here. House money. So I went with my stepmom's family. So there was like, you know, my parents and all those people. Sure. Then there's the grandparents and all those people. Then there's me, who's 12. And then there was a bunch.

The rest of our family was three and under. So there was nothing for you to do nothing and then here's a little here's a little tidbit about bringing a 12 year old on a norwegian cruise okay that was the cruise line they're called the norwegian cruises okay okay you're only allowed in the teen zone and the teen pools if you're 13. And you are only allowed in the kids zone and the kids pools if you are 11. There's no gray area. 12-year-olds roam the decks. There's nothing for 12-year-olds. You're not even allowed in the kids zone.

No, you're not. So, yeah, you're not a kid zone, not yet a teen. Being 12 is the lost generation. I'm not a girl. Don't tell me what to believe not yet uh no one's helping i know i only know when it gets to the chorus yeah that's it i mean i'm chorusing out at the end no no but start just saying the words that i'm not a girl see i know do you know that song no i don't know what you're doing it's britney spears really britney bitch it's early britney what album one maybe uh do you know do you know email my heart oh i really don't of course not um maddie what

did you do this whole cruise you didn't have have anywhere to be. I read my book in my cabin and I played with some magnets I bought on the shoreline. Well, you can't give those magnets to the kids group because they might swallow them. I demagnetized everyone's key cards in our family. Everyone was like, why are our key cards not working?

Ever. Who's playing with magnets? And I was like, I don key cards not working ever who's playing with magnets i was like i don't know catch this what do you remember what book you read okay this is funny there was a series of books um called angus thongs and perfect snogging they're british and the second book is called so i so i'm finally dating a sex god and that's what i was reading and my dad had a really big problem with that because he was like dad it's british slang for hot guy he's not they're not actually having sex in this he's not so good at sex don't be like don't worry you're not it's not gonna it doesn't threaten you yeah yeah yeah dad this guy's not better at sex than you why are you reading a book

when i buy you some perfectly good magnets uh yeah so that was my that was my little cruise experience graham i've been on a cruise once yeah i went on a cruise for my mom's birthday it was just like a couple day cruise and uh it was it was crazy it was crazy how drunk people got every night anyone fall over the edge no but i think i've told this story on the podcast where uh at one point i was headed back to my room and i saw like on the ground like a one of those beautiful blue tiffany uh bags and i walked by and i was filled with puke she said yes that's great yeah that is those are the engagement photos i want

someone just like covered in puke but holding up a ring we got trashed in the pumpkin patch um i once saw and on the bus an ikea bag you know those blue ikea bags yep full of puke and i was like you already made it it was on the floor and i was like no one else was on the bus i was like you already made it so far you puked into a bag that isn't gonna leak take it off the bus with you what are you doing uh it's ruined for him if you're puking on the bus you're not capable of anything fine yeah what is what yeah exactly what what is that person gonna do later that day with that bag clean it out i think we maybe own two dozen of those bags i love those we have two i think we buy more every time we go and they're different than the ones they're like, they,

the ones that they give you yellow bags in the store that you use to like carry around a stack of cups. But like, uh, those blue ones, they're the, for me, they're like the last thing you pack all your stuff in when you're moving. They're great. Like if you, we take a road trip on in a car we just fill those up like instead like if you're packing for a flight you need to be organized but if you're driving in a car you're just like everything goes in these bags can you imagine

seeing somebody at the airport with all their belongings spilling out into the x-ray machine and it's it's like duct taped clothes i was like oh that there's there's dating a 22 year old kate beckinsale's like come on you know what i mean like i used to go camping with a guy and he'd just bring a trash bag with his clothing in it i know that he found a tent out there though yeah no to be honest we weren't camping we were in a cabin yeah i think 22 year olds and reflecting on when i was 22 would just live like uh animals scavenger animals we don't live like we're not like uh we're not good we haven't figured out you know not to just sleep on a mattress you found in an alley and stuff like that it's true yeah there's a huge like just linens problem that i don't and someone needs to do a crash course for

boys on like what a pillowcase is what a hand towel is what a hand towel isn't what is a hand what is not a hand towel a paper towel is not a hand towel a jay cloth is not a hand oh i love a jay cloth frankly a face cloth is not a hand towel wow a chain cloth oh man and what about uh i mean i've i'm not i'm more like the way we we divvy up duties in this house i'm more of the dishes i'm more of making sure the kitchen is done i i don't think i've right i don't really do i do my own laundry and then i'll i don't really do the family laundry but like i don't know how often towels or sheets need to be washed once a week yeah no way yeah um i just moved into my one of my best friends and one of your best friends i thought there was just the one that you were gonna get photos taken with the photos taken one i would say that that's

my high school best friend how many best friends are we talking here uh seven seven you have seven best friends yeah graham uh just you know just the big boy upstairs. So just one. Yeah, for me, zero. What could you, in your head, without saying the names, could you rank them? Do you have a rank of who's number one? They're more in like pods, I would say. There's not one that like kind of outshines the others? Well, my best friend from high school is like, we've been, we've literally been best friends. Like, like talk on the phone every single day for 10 years like since we she was 13 today or yeah i was she dropped me off to do the podcast we were just together

huh okay you're at your house right yeah okay she dropped you off at your house she didn't you like you're not she didn't send you to a special location no she didn't like set up a little shed for me um like i was with them her family for phase one of oh remember yeah yeah remember those days i do remember those days i don't remember the phases i don't know what phase we're in now i got photos taken in phase one photographer i think we're in the friend zone yeah we're in the friend zone now and uh pretty much as you know we're heading towards the end zone or uh what's another zone um 103.5 the zone comfort zone comfort zone uh these are the top zones the bone zone what about the rap zone twilight zone the cal zone nice remember rap zone you guys that was a funny chain rap zone no i'm always more of a

pita pit guy my pita pit yeah pita pit delta once reached out to me at 3 20 a.m to ask if i if to say that if i ever wanted to come in i could get a free pita as long as i posted that i'd been there at three in the morning you up one up one in the morning i was offered this there was a time opportunity pita pit seemed like a very strong chain and like a very meaningful part of my life i think that's what 22 year old dave i was okay this is so funny because the 22 year old i was talking about who would just like do cocaine and not have hand towels 22 year old dave did not do cocaine okay okay he wants he does he has he has cocaine money but he doesn't have hand-towel money well he's got the house exactly that's the whole thing he got house money but we're we and my

friend maddie okay high school best friend this is all you're both maddie we're both maddie tonight on nbc we every time we go to a restaurant they go could we take your name and we look at each other we go yeah anyway so me and maddie look at each other and we go, yeah, it's Maddie. Anyway, so me and Maddie are going to have lunch and we ask my stupid boyfriend for a recommendation and he's like, oh, have you tried Pita Pit? Pita Pit as a recommendation

for a place for her and I to go for lunch. She's like in town from Victoria and we're going to go to Pita Pit. That's great. They do have pita pit in victoria that's where i first discovered it yeah it's uh is it still around it's still around right i don't know my problem was it was inconsistent between uh franchises right oh but was there a mascot that was like a funky like a rap like a rasta pita pita guy i don't remember and then what about rap zone did it have a mascot

rap zone do you remember rap zone day or like no i mean i don't i've never been to it but i it rings a bell rap zone was like the only way i could describe it is that it was like not ethnically specific enough so it's just raps from around the world yeah no it was just like like how noodle box is just like pan asian no but noodle box is like here's our take on here's a white person's indian food here's a white person's chinese food rap zone was like not even taking it that far it was like rap zone was like do you want chicken or turkey you want lettuce it was like subway but even less flavor options and it was always it was always bundled with a booster juice yes i do remember this yes booster juice was like my generation's jugo juice

booster juice had staying power and rap zone did not do you graham yeah uh maddie had a friend named maddie did you ever have a good friend named graham i did graham a guy named graham stewart and when i was in we're in junior high together we're very good friends and in high school and then uh you know we drifted apart we still have that bond of having the same name we my in in college i became good friends with david david nichols and uh we became roommates and he, he and I had a lot in common, including we both had, our moms had the same name.

Whoa. Whoa. That's like Batman and Superman. Well, Maddie's middle name is my sister's name. It's, I mean, that's great.

Yeah. Stick that in your pipe. I actually, I actually feel so sick of that sending saying that sentence because people go you're both maddie and then we go and my male name my desert name and then we blow our brains out you know again and again so uh what is the worst because we're talking just strictly dating what is the worst date you've been on okay so here it goes it was a setup it was it was a true setup from a family friend she was like i should have known because she was

like how do you feel about short and i was like that's fine the big short's my favorite movie and she's like what about balding i was like yeah that's fine if he's nice like i'm not like a person that's like has weird i was gonna say, but like I'm not a person that has rules. You know what I mean? Like if I like you, then I like you. I don't think it would matter. Right. But what do you think about short?

What do you think about bald? What do you think about 42? Yeah. Yeah. It's my ex-husband, actually. I think you guys hit it off. And we were on this date for like four minutes like we had walked out of the coffee shop we were gonna go for a walk and he was like talking about how his parents were building a house

right and i was like oh that's so cool and i was like man if i was building my own house like i'd put so many weird things in it like and i just meant like and he goes no i was like what and he's like what you don't understand is in vancouver when you build a house you're building a commodity this guy sounds like a real treat yeah that's what you don't understand and i was like oh i was just i just meant like oh i'd put in a funny dog door like i'd put in a room what you don't understand is i'm building a conversation yeah good one when i said that and then he goes my parents wanted to put it didn't want a dishwasher so and then my uncle's like you gotta put it in a dishwasher for resale value and i was like why didn't your parents want a dishwasher and then he's like don't make me say it and i was like what he goes through gritted teeth

because we have nice china see that sounded like the day was going really bad until he revealed that he had nice china now i'm back on board and then i go oh that's so funny i'm like i hate doing dishes so much like i'm they were only five minutes in so I haven't fully given up yet and he's like I'm like oh that's so funny like I hate doing dishes so much like I would never get such

nice china that you couldn't put it in the dishwasher which to me is an invitation to move on from this china thing you know what I mean like let's talk about chores we don't like let's do anything else let's walk into the ocean frankly and he goes let's put rocks in our pockets and walk into the ocean yeah and he goes oh no no no like what and he goes sometimes i'm really into cooking i love to sous vide and sometimes i make myself a beautiful meal and i look down at this plate i

have and i go oh this would be so much better if it was on nicer china oh this guy sounds good it sounds like he sounds like alton brown the worst so then we have like the worst date ever he says hip-hop isn't real music like you know he's just oh no terrible terrible terrible terrible terrible tells me that he doesn't understand how i'm a would be a comedian like brad and then at the end well that i get i go it was really nice to meet you and i'm like that's to me that's the coldest thing you could possibly say at the end of a date not like i will ever see you like i don't i didn't have fun just thank you for meeting me yeah exactly thank you and he goes he gives me like a 45 minute speech about ambition and how the person that's like, he seemed mad at the person for setting us for setting us up.

Why did you stay for 45 minutes? Why did you stay for this long speech? I felt like the shortest amount of time. He does the whole speech. And then he goes, I'll call you. No, he says,

I'll call you. No, he literally cuts himself off in the middle of saying, I'll call you and goes, no, no. he hated me so i have never been detested by someone like that here's what where he lost me if you have nice china you also have like i don't have nice china but that's because i will never, like, we don't serve other people. Right.

Like, you don't have nice china first. First, you have regular dishes. Yeah. That you can put it in the dish. Then comes marriage. Then comes the baby and the baby carriage. Exactly. And then comes the fine china that you maybe have twice a year.

And you watch that in the sitcom. Yeah. He felt like a snob on a sitcom in the 80s did you get he didn't feel like a relevant snob did you get so mad at the person who set you up on this date yeah so i call her and uh she never calls me ever again she never called me back and this guy's never gonna call you she's never gonna call you what did he tell her like i'm so confused about this whole situation you didn't understand that a house is a commodity here because of the real estate market and she doesn't care about china yeah

and then they were like the country and she's like no the plate it was oh yeah wild it was so crazy i was like i was being full manic pixie dream girl i like took him to a record store and i was like looking through the crates and i was like well no no no no that sucks maybe you suck i was just trying to talk about something no you might suck we walked by a record store we went in yeah that's not fun you don't want to do that but what kind of records we were like you know in the back where they have all the dollar ones and you just try and find the funniest people yeah yeah that's fun yeah i'm really cute and nice everybody says that about me but you don't understand uh commodities as dave said and you don't understand the the why somebody would need a dishwasher um and you don and wash you don't put to find china dishwasher you stupid idiot

well how old was this guy that he's talking this is what's wild he was 26 and have you do you look at him ever on social media and see if he's married i bet he is i don't know no he's not yeah he's insufferable but you know what there's a lot of insufferable people out there and if they find each other he seems like the kind of insufferable that would make someone go wild yeah oh i so i'll suffer for him yeah he's sufferable yeah um well isn't it better though that that's like right out of the gates that he's just awful and then you're done with it instead of like me i'm awful 20 years in he's just revealing himself

and his true personality i'm trying to think i mean i've definitely never been on like a bad second date if the first date was good right so like the first day is good yeah how many dates in and then you're like oh like six months probably yeah like as soon as you sign a lease to move in yeah exactly um no but like you know what i mean like i mean i will say one time we didn't go on a date but we like hooked up we had a nice night and then we went on a date and he was like so anyway like my brother's wedding is in greece in two months so you'll be coming with me. And I was like, what? He just freaked me out. But would that have been a free trip to Greece?

Yeah. That's where Mamma Mia was made. I'm not Vicky Cristina Barcelona-ing myself. Ah! I haven't even seen it, but I love it. Guys, that's a red flag. You're not supposed to tell someone that you're going to go. You're supposed to tell someone that you're gonna go like you're

supposed to play it a little cooler than that aren't you uh you're asking the wrong guys on a first date you're telling me that i have to come to greece for your brother's wedding but you've already hooked up i have plans second date second date second date you did you well i would i would say if i was the in that situation i would have said, yep, let's go. I would have been wild. And then your manic pixie dream girl right there. If you're like, oh, let's go to Greece on a wing and a prayer. Graham, can we start like a second podcast with just us with Maddie learning about dating?

Yes. Yeah. Because she has a lot and she's got some stories to tell. She's very wise. Very wise. Wise beyond her years. Aw, guys. Dave, what's going on with you, man?

Guys, do you remember a few weeks ago when I said I was discovering my love of sauerkraut? Yes. Yeah. And you were going to BYO sauerkraut? Yeah. I've been BYOing my own sauerkraut. Yes. Woohoo! So I found

a way to make sauerkraut. It turns out it's super easy. You slice up a cabbage, you add salt. Isn't there like water and salt or something? Just salt. Oh wow. So we have jars at the house. Nice. That's your fine china yeah yeah

my we got a lot of jars we registered for a bunch of jars when we got married we registered at the kilner store and we um uh anyway I was like, okay, how do I, what's the process I need to, to make sauerkraut? And I, it's like you, you, so you slice up a bunch of, uh, cabbage or one head of cabbage. It goes very far and, uh, mix in some salt and then, you know, mix it together. Let it kind of like sweat out a bit and start making its own juices right and then you put it in a jar and you weigh it down so that the cabbage stays below the water like with a stone yeah yeah some kind of stone like so i was googling like what do you need and then uh i was like okay so i guess i need to pick up the thing that weighs it down right uh magnets perhaps they have these like glass weights that are like jar sized okay uh and they're and then

you need a lid that you can burp or something to let the air out so that it it doesn't kind of burp like a little snapple cap yeah no i mean like a little kind of like silicone uh hole that like has a little you know will it if the pressure builds up too much inside i guess it'll come out it'll explode but it'll make its way through this little hole right so so i went uh i was looking online and i was like oh you know what i'll go to a store i had a store in mind the sauerkraut store well i was like this kind of like general store yeah it's welks yeah well yeah the famous local store it's like a dollar store for a rich yeah dollar store where everything's 20 dollars yeah that's right a 20 dollar store where everything's $20. Yeah, that's right. A $20 store. Yeah. I'm personally a Trendy Bucks girl, and I want that on my tombstone.

Trendy Bucks. I can't go to... Trendy Bucks is too crowded. They've got good plants. They're too narrow. Good plants. Yeah, Trendy Bucks is really claustrophobic. Yeah, especially in a social distancing time. I don't know how they're handling their uh you know six inch wide i bought a christmas tree from there for a girl that i

had a crush on she walked by and she said i love that christmas tree that's right there we go so i went and i was like i wonder if they have the weights or the like lid that you need and they had a whole set and they so i was like okay i'll buy this whole it was it was a jar with a lid and the weights right and that was it and so i brought it home and i took out the jar and it was enormous and i was like oh no i i it was in a box i i i thought it was mostly padding but it was mostly jar like how big a jar are we talking oh it was like jar jar binks the biggest jar there is um it uh no it was like i don't know four liters holy shit maybe maybe more four liter jar when does it become a jug yeah maybe it was a jug maybe about a jug when does it become a vat maybe it was a vat that's how it goes jar jug vat

it was a barrel barrel and i so i cut up the cabbage i put it in i watched this video uh uh because i'm not gonna read an article no uh i was like i'm i'm a visual learner show me a video and make it short yeah and so it was like uh you you cut it up you put it you like mix it around then you put it in the jar and you wait two weeks so i put it on the counter it takes up so much counter space it is airtight as it is it still stinks some people i think burping right it's burping it's constantly i think in rural communities it's not uncommon for people to do all that and then bury the jar in their garden so that it's not just stinking everything up oh it's it's it's like yeah i was like oh i tried moving it to different rooms so you stunk up the whole house yeah i was like let's see about over

here no this the kitchen is the most appropriate place i got through the time when it was like the stinkiest but oh when you start it it's it's like um i mean you talked about you know trying to like blink your way to sleep this is it's like entertain it's so entertaining to watch the bubbles form and like combine it's like a lava lamp yeah you can just like spend hours staring at this cabbage produce its own bubbles i will do that if i'm bored by myself and like drinking a beer i'll just follow one bubble up at a time i used to do it on rainy days just watching the like this is so cute me my grandma used to race the little raindrops on the car window. Oh my god. I know. And you were like

grandma keep your eyes on the road. But yeah you do need the giant container because one cabbage makes so much more it fills so much more space than you can imagine. Yeah.

So I, yeah, so I, we left it there for two weeks and then I pulled it like, oh yeah, you, we had, I added the celery seed. Okay. What is that? Yeah. It's just like a seasoning that I like. Yum. Celery salt or celery seed? Celery seed.

Because it kind of, you know, they like, you get them trapped in your teeth and when they really kind of pop, they're like a fish roe. Yeah. And then I pulled it out after two weeks, like took some out and tasted it and it was very squeaky. Like curds? Yeah yeah like cheese curds um and but it was all right like the video said if you wanted a little more just leave it for longer and so i left it for two more weeks i took the rest of it out today and it's fine. Could have bought a jar for $3. Yeah, I know. It's exactly that.

It's like, I don't think I like this as much as the store bought. I do think there's a weird thing culturally when buying things is cheaper than making things. That creates a weird thing in life, you know? Yeah, and I know a guy who was he was anti that and he would fix everything like when his tv broke he ordered away for the or mailed away for the piece and it came from the manufacturer he had to take the tv apart and put the piece in but he did it and he's the only guy i know like that i'm but even like we all sort of took hobbies up, right? Like, I mean, everyone grew like one tomato for quarantine, you know?

My tomato plant is taller than me. No. I bought it at the grocery store, like not even a garden place. It was tiny. It's over six feet tall. But the squirrels in my yard steal every tomato. Yeah. I was like, oh, the green one's finally turning red i'll pick it

tomorrow it's gone yeah they're wearing it as a hat somewhere they don't even like tomatoes what is gardening like i don't understand like it's like okay it's like a buffet for people for the critters in your life you know i don't get it like why is that part of my life um i don't get it i guess I can't explain what gardening is to a millennial like you the critters don't want any of the basil so that's fine oh yeah that's true

just herb it up so yeah now I'm basically like is my am I going to eat so much of this sauerkraut which two months ago I had never eaten any sauerkraut you really buried the lead there that man who has never eaten sauerkraut makes on sauerkraut but then i discovered that first of all i kind of like it and second of all it's good at fighting

covid yes yeah everybody knows that you know actually that's weird we have a huge jar of sauerkraut oh good eat it um do you, what do you eat it with? Do you put it on a hot dog or what? You just eat it. Yeah, that's basically it. We'll saw sausages and then mustard and sauerkraut. Fine.

Yeah. I don't know what else I would eat it with. Uh, Oh, pierogies maybe. Oh yeah. Um, but I,

uh, yeah. So I'm now I'm like, okay, what am I constantly making sauerkraut? Yeah. Or now I'm like, okay, what am I, constantly making sauerkraut? Yeah. Or is my life now imagining what things will be like, okay, we're going to finish this sauerkraut in four weeks. So I need to be thinking four weeks in advance for when I will next need sauerkraut.

One time I went to a party that the entire basis of it was everybody who had jarred their own things and they all brought them to this party and everybody like swapped things or bought things off of each other and it was the best because everybody's there for one thing you didn't have to make small what is the thing I need to oh what's something I should

because I don't like here's what I like jarred I like olives but I don't like, here's what I like jarred. I like olives, but what am I, like, where am I finding olives that aren't already jarred? Yeah, that's true. You're not growing an olive tree. Or an olive branch. And what am I, stuffing, making my own feta and stuffing them? Yeah.

Yeah. I like artichokes. Yeah, artichokes in jars is the best. Oh, yeah. Artichoke hearts, though.okes in jars is the best. Oh, yeah. Artichoke hearts, though. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

You're not going to put those leaves in there. Do you guys ever just steam an artichoke? Yes. And then you eat it with butter. It's the vegetarian lobster. Oh, that's nice. You dip it. Yeah.

I'm just like, personally, like, people, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Dave, because I actually like that story a lot lot but there's been a lot of 29 year old men on these dates I've gone on who would like to talk about fermenting yeah yeah yeah no I know I know it's I'm a basic bitch

yeah he likes the pumpkin spice I've actually never heard of someone making sauerkraut it's a big thing in the prairies I know that they get kind of like compulsive about it like you're about to throw out a jalapeno they're like i want to pickle it and you're like okay okay like you know what i mean like every container they're like you could jar in that like it's like it's like a weird thing yeah like watch out are people in general just getting more insufferable what's the you know like like. Yeah.

Yeah. Just like across the board now people are mad about you throwing out a jalapeno. Oh, boy. Wait. I have something to say. Okay. Everybody. Everybody.

Quiet. Maddie has something to say. You. Quiet. Maddie's turn to talk. Go ahead, Maddie. Okay. something to you quiet maddie's turn to talk go ahead maddie okay well i firstly i'm talking a lot of shit about 22 year olds 24 year olds 26 year olds 29 year olds don't forget the 45 year olds yeah so but i like um boys i think twitter's really mean to boys and i'm i'm strange and i like boys i you know it's fine yeah okay okay what do you mean twitter's i have i have my eye on someone right now okay so it's not

all sad well tell us about him no what's his age the secret cole sprowse is it cole sprowse Cole Sprouse. Is it Cole Sprouse? He's Dylan Sprouse. Oh, fuck. It was Dylan. Now, he's in his mid-60s. And I haven't experimented with that yet.

Sure, yeah. I'm going to explore that. So are you creeping on his socials? What are you doing? I'm not telling you anything. I don't need to know who it is. Why did you bring it up then? Why did you make such a big deal about I have something to say?

Yeah. You made everyone be quiet. I just didn't want everyone to think that... That you're anti-man? No, I just didn't. If you were listening to this podcast and you were going, fuck, it is hard out there.

Right. And it's never going to get better. Right. Maddie does... There is someone for maddie yeah maybe we'll see but we're fine we're finding it um um does he know is he have you made any moves i'm not saying why that doesn't unveil who the person is is there is he is sorry is he close is he someone you're admiring from afar or is he someone in your life no he's in my life he's not

it's not like a crush it's not a celebrity crush okay so this from afar or is he someone in your life? No, he's in my life. He's not. It's not like a crush. It's not a celebrity crush. Okay. So this is, this is somebody that's in your inner circle. Yeah. He's like my eighth best friend. That's what I was going to ask. Where does he play?

Is he in the band inner circle? I don't, I'm not going to pretend I know a band that is. Do they sing bad boys? Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? You don't know that reference, do you? No, do you? Yeah. Don't blame it on me do you don't know that reference do you no do you yeah don't blame it on me if you don't know the band i'm so scapegoat daddy doesn't know that so can you explain it yeah it's from the show cops which is a racist show well yeah i don't believe in that

show well it's canceled they canceled it after like how long was it on dave like 40 years or something i mean uh oh they also sang oh i like that song yeah yeah yeah okay thank you for indulging me in my announcement well i hope whoever this boy is gets he doesn't have rocks in his head and the, you know, maybe he makes the move first. How about that? I hope he doesn't have rocks in his pocket. Yeah. He goes to walk into the ocean. Graham, what's going on with you?

Well, last week on the podcast, I was talking about my laundry room situation in my building. There's all sorts of business happening in the laundry room uh and i i don't know if you recall that i was that i had located there was a funk near the laundry room some kind of stink yeah someone making sauerkraut yeah i went and smelled every apartment in the hallway to see if i could locate the smell it was coming from apartment three a hundred percent it was coming from apartment three describe the funk it was like like just like being inside a toilet like it was just awful yeah just like it was poo based yeah well and but like sewage just smelled like sewage and uh the when our our past guest said oh there's probably a dead person in there that that's what it is and uh it wasn't luckily but it was the sewer pipe had burst under apartment three and so they had to take up the like a huge chunk of the hallway but that was like after i located i knew that apartment

three was the the culprit and uh now there's this huge gully between me and the laundry room and uh man what do you mean gully like a fern gully yeah like a fern gully yeah all was it a um sorry sorry it's it's are you it's something separating you from the laundry the gully what is a gully oh gully is like you know they like uh they took up the floor there's no floor so you just fall into the pit of how do you get around it you can't this is the thing they're like not a pole vault situation so this is the thing i came down with my laundry the other day and there were these two guys working away in the gully and then they saw that i needed to cross to the laundry room so the one

guy said throw your laundry at me so i did i threw my laundry he caught it uh throw the other guy like escorted me along a two by four this so i could get in the laundry room and i was like well i don't know how i'm gonna get back like if you guys go get a coffee i'm stranded uh so then that is exactly what happened. When I came out of the laundry room, they were nowhere to be seen. So I had to like, I had to be like a Walenda.

I had to walk on a beam. It's just across this gully. Thank you creator. Oh, thank you. Great Lord for all of your gifts. Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh, beautiful child of Mary. Um, you, that Jesus. Oh, beautiful child of Mary. It occurs to me that Maddie's date, they maybe don't have a washing machine, washer, dryer. Yeah, a real purist. Yeah, they only have dry clean clothes. Yeah, that's...

Literally, maybe. My parents, oh, no, no, no, no. You stupid idiot. They only wear the finest silk. So then, on the way back, when the laundry was done, I had to throw my own laundry across the gully. There was nobody to catch it, so it was a real... What's the length of the gully? Like, about five feet.

So, enough that you couldn't, you know, that I couldn't run and jump it, so it was a real... What's the length of the gully? Like, about five feet. So enough that you couldn't, you know, that I couldn't run and jump it, for sure. I knew that. You could run and jump five feet. No! Five feet? Are you kidding me? I would have fallen way... I find a broad jump very difficult. Yeah, yeah. Always have. And I just don't want to be the guy who tried it

and then fell into the pipes. Is this why a few weeks ago you were saying that they were setting up some kind of porta potty outside your window that was a different that was uh that was stucco related is the porta potty still there the porta potty is gone oh wow okay that was i was like things are looking up and then when i went down to laundry i was like they're looking down again god damn it um and also there's been a basket of laundry just sitting in there this whole time so did somebody go in and then they started the construction and they haven't come back or why why is their whole bag of laundry just sitting yeah maybe someone's like i just i don't want to have i don't want to come back from my cruise to a bunch of dirty laundry,

so I will put it in the dryer, get on the cruise. Are cruises happening right now? Yeah. Wasn't there a big one that got held up in a port? They haven't come back. None of them have come back yet. They're still on the boat? No, but that'd be funny.

Don't tell us what would be funny. You guys think it'd be funny? Yes, I think it would be a whole... Imagine it. I don't even want to talk about it. I'll just quietly imagine it. What if that was a sitcom? Where it's a bunch of people... It is a sitcom.

Oh, yeah. That's a good pitch. Yeah. No, that is a sitcom. But they're in space. No, but this is like the love boat, but they're docked and they can't get off get off of it yeah and so it's all the crazy hijinks that people get up to yeah okay but can i just tell you that whatever avenue q or avenue 5 or whatever it's called the one about the like drug addict puppets yeah avenue 5 or like spaceship 5 or it's hugh lorry yeah yeah he's a

cruise ship space force captain in space. And they get stuck there. But wouldn't it be funny, like, the type of people who would be on a cruise, just having to interact with each other, like old people and drunk people. And then bored kids, you know? This is a show. Okay. I'll ride it with you.

I'm in. Okay. All right. We'll start development right away okay we'll have it on the air in 2028 oh man so that's that's uh happening and then the other thing is i got uh i got credit card scammed what somebody yeah somebody got my credit card number and went on a hoot nanny. How much hoot did they nanny? I caught it, I think, pretty early, which shouldn't be my job. That's the job of the credit card to figure out that I'm not making these purchases.

I've had the credit card catch it before. Wait, but can I just say, Graham, you buy such weird shit. You have no pattern. How would they ever figure out? Well, even when I saw the charge, I was like like maybe i did so like it was one two i did buy a harley davidson yeah maybe maybe it's in the mail maybe i did do long distance calls to romania but there was the one was something that was built to a website and i was like maybe i bought a hat or something from the website and i went there and it wasn't even a website didn't exist and uh that was in british pounds

pounds sterling and then the next day there was another one just to the word of oh boy i think i mean you can't really argue with that because we do owe a lot to that word yes yeah absolutely wait how do you charge something to that word. Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Wait, how do you charge something to a concept? I don't know, but they figured it out. Well, you know how on Sesame Street, it's sponsored by letters and numbers? Yeah, that's right. That actually does make sense because I once spent $500 on the idea of time. So I caught it, which I think the credit card should have caught it and i called the credit card

company and i don't know if there's a company that has worse call waiting music than credit card company i think airlines is pretty bad but credit card company their loop is so short like i was on with my doctor today and it was it was two songs but it would cut off it was like a pan pipe version of el condor pasa and then something with a guitar but then it would go right back into el condor pasa oh man and yeah i was on hold with my doctor for 20 minutes today yeah like but instead of the person coming on and saying like oh we're very sure this happened let me just credit your account that amount they were like we got to send it to the fraud department they have to investigate it i'm like it's only like 56 dollars can you just do me a solid and

send back the money that's obviously from a scam and uh no the answer is no my credit card sucks my bank sucks yeah all banks suck let's join a credit union yeah i should no one's ever gonna do that yeah because i'm afraid i should do that that i go in there and there's all farmers getting their regular farm check that you know those capital ads with the monsters that put a negative understanding of what credit unions are to me. What do you think a credit union is? I think it's like where the wild things are. I forgot those ads. Yeah.

I thought it was a credit onion. That's why I don't like it. Yes. You only like it if it's sauerkraut. Onions. No good. I had that happen. fine um i had that happen i had like twice in in like two months my credit card was compromised and i realized it was some some website had my credit card and so i uh i got like a password randomizer so i don't use the same password on every i don't know any of my password oh that's smart because i think it was just like someone

knew my password and i but i it was unclear where they got it from because they were not spending the money on that website they were spending it on you know harley david harley davidson here's the thing that i didn't realize until this happened or i just took for granted how many things are connected to that credit card that all of a sudden were sending me a message saying you're canceled yeah yeah yeah you're canceled bad news buddy you're canceled yeah yeah yeah you're creepy the fuck stops here you've been messaging underage girls on snapchat so like all of these things like things that i didn't even know i was still signed up to were sending me messages, not some messages like, hey, we noticed your card got canceled. Get in touch.

It's just like you're you're canceled from this service. And then some of them I was like, I'm not going to re-up. I'm not going to some of these things I forgot that I had a subscription to. And I was like, no, it can be a bit of a gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think there's like at least four things where I was like, I don't need it. Gas or electricity?

Yeah, and also, you know, how much money am I putting to Vogue magazine? Yeah. I can just go to Vogue.com. It's also a bit of a slap in the face of like, you know, really, Maddie, do you need... Are you actually using your Simply P app are you perfect be honest for once in your life with yourself can you play that no i can't play anything that's why i got rid of the freaking app

can you play not a girl not yet a a Woman? No. I like that song. Yeah, that's what we were singing before. No, what about the song that's like, girl, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Who is that? Neil Diamond? Neil Diamond and then Urge Overkill. Urge Overkill.

So, yeah, I think you're right. In a way, it was very freeing to know that I don't have to have these subscriptions in my life. And I can go about my business. But that week where I did not have a credit card was crazy. Everything went insane. During the NBA playoffs, the players have Black Lives or like vote or listen to us or what they can have some social message on their back of their jersey and one of them is group economics and i don't know what that is but i think it says something to the credit unions yeah group economics interesting

yeah okay that sounds like something you would take as an alternative class in high school like all right you're gonna do great economics like family studies you know what my family studies teacher played for us what she played the movie something's gotta give with jack nicholson diane keaton if only that was around when i was in high school she said it said a lot about family structures man oh man she also was asian and said white people were better than her oh that's not very nice she's canceled yeah she's canceled yeah she had braces i remember there was uh not canceled for that but fine yeah just painting a picture what are you drinking water okay, it's clanging around. No, no, no.

We're just curious because you've got a metal straw. It's very now. It's very in. Yeah, you're drinking out of a jar. I'm a jar-based man. So before I moved, I actually really regret this. I moved houses this summer. And I used to have a big one-liter peanut butter jar, like empty,

that I would drink a liter of water every morning with my metal straw right yeah because i'm a girl i'm trying to have good skin you know yeah i'm a man i don't drink water either i eat sandpaper and then i was like okay maddie you can't move like you can't you know what i mean when you what are you doing? Like, don't pack an old peanut butter jar. You know? Yeah. I miss it every single day. I've had two bladder infections since then. What? Because I'm not drinking enough water. And what do you have to do?

The cranberry juice? No, no, no. Why? Because that's all sugar. And even if you get the one without sugar, it tastes like you're drinking blood. And it sucks. Oh, no, you're supposed to drink blood. That's, I've got to confuse. You need hydrolyzed collagen. And if you're in pain, you it tastes like you're drinking blood and it sucks oh no you're supposed to drink blood that's i've got you need hydrolyzed collagen and if you're in pain you need

aloe vera juice oh have you had aloe vera juice it's rough it is rough are we still doing the show let's move on to overheard yeah okay uh that sound means uh not that it's overheard time, that it's actually Jumbotron time. And we've got a message here for Katie from Scott. And what is he, what's he saying? Here's what Scott says to Katie. He says, Katie, you are the love of my life. Ah, yes. You are my life.

you are the love of my life. Ah yes. You are my life. To the point wherein I want these two Canadian goofballs to tell you how much I love you. By the time this airs we will be married. And on our way to the thing that excites me most. Starting a family

together. I love you so much. And Creature does too in her own screeching way. Scoot. That was very love you so much and creature does too in her own preaching way scoot that was uh very sweet until you introduced the scary monster character i was sure i mean it was scary when you got so excited about starting a family too excited man back it off yeah yeah yeah if it happens it happens anyway we love love and best wishes to you both yeah and uh if you want to buy one of these jumbotrons where should people go dave uh you should go to maximumfun.org jumbotron damn right so now let's move on to some overheards

hello there ghouls and gals It is I, April Wolf I'm here to take you through the twisty Scary, heart-pounding world Of genre cinema on the exhilarating Program known as Switchblade Sisters The concept is simple I invite a female filmmaker on each week

And we discuss their favorite genre film Listen in closely to hear past guests Like the Babadook director Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director Deborah Granik, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in if you dare. It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze. like you should listen switchblade sisters

overheard overheards a segment where you know it gets harder and harder as time moves on and people are sticking to their own place to overhear something but you know what if you do share it i say and we always like to start with the guest maddie can you give us an overheard i got mine aren't very good right now that's fine that's fine just like lower your expectations okay so i was on a ferry a long time ago i believe i was going it was my first ever time on the road by myself okay as a working comedian yeah but i wasn't doing comedy i was hosting trivia that's okay that sounds like more fun it wasn't ask me a trivia question i was hosting gray's anatomy trivia in nanaimo gray's anatomy trivia in nanaimo yeah

wow yeah so don't anyone ever tell me i didn't pay my dues yeah that sounds like a lot of fun yeah it wasn't can i answer the question tegan and sarah very good okay and i was on the ferry and i was walking or i was gonna go to triple o's and um this couple walked by me and i think they were on their way back from a vacation. And I think that because I think they ran out of things to talk about. Because she just sort of looked, they were in silence and she looked up at him and she goes, what's in a cop salad?

Cop salad? Cop. And he was like, defund them. in a cop salad cop salad and he was like defund them yes bacon but is it bacon isn't that cute like not only like dead silence to what's in a cob salad would have been funny

yeah but that's you know no it wouldn't have I wouldn't have told you about it but but I would have laughed at the time. What's in a Cobb salad? Egg. Egg? Chickpeas? No!

Ham cubes? Is it ham cubes? Is Cobb salad ham cubes and egg and... Like blue cheese dressing? Iceberg lettuce? What's the other protein-y thing? It's not chickpeas bacon no we already got ham cubes you don't need bacon bacon and ham that's a salad to me you get a base of ham cubes garnish

it with some bacon uh dave do you have an overheard mine's an overseen yesterday i was at home depot uh because i'm the fix it guy yeah exactly um and i uh i noticed in the garage section the garage organization section they had tennis balls oh yes and they they're selling tennis balls on a string uh and they're calling them parking guide yes yes you can buy a four dollar parking guide how much does a tennis ball cost is that um probably closer yeah maybe you get a three pack for i don't know i haven't bought them in a while six bucks maybe yeah i think this is a good deal this is good value one of my favorite parts about tennis is that you have to bring fresh balls and do that. It smells like a tennis ball.

Here's a dirty little secret. It smells like a tennis ball, even if it's not fresh. It's never not going to smell like a tennis ball. There's a difference between a dull tennis ball and a... I guess there is, but I play tennis once a week and i can never tell well i was 16th in british columbia under 12 really really yeah holy shit i was not good as a young person yeah i wasn't they called me the girl with two different socks so you had like you had a whole reputation and i was the only girl on the circuit with a western

grip baby what's a western grip it's the worst grip of all and they couldn't get me to stop doing it and it's really like they tell juniors like don't ever have this grip like it's the grip rafa nadal plays with you get a lot of spin on the ball okay i was the bad boy of junior tennis yeah well it's kind of a oh like underneath it's like yeah and then i also had a two-handed backhand so this is so annoying but i feel like maybe one person will be happy that i'm talking about this that basically yeah me okay cool your wrist should just be in the same position right and then you go backhand you go like this and you go forehand you go like this but if you're western grip you're literally switching and like flipping your wrist like 360 degrees every in motion as you go to hit the ball that's crazy yeah it's very high risk why do you uh why'd you hang it up i hated it the whole time i never

wanted to do it yes my dad was trying to make me like win a scholarship for sports and he said that you're more likely to get one in tennis and i like, do you know how many kids have ever gotten a scholarship in a sport they hate? Right, probably all of them. I don't think so. I think you have to be kind of like motivated a little bit. Yeah, by the scholarship. Yeah, exactly. It's your parents sweating you out,

telling you to go do this. It sucked. He used to make me play tennis against a brick wall in the snow in this little underground area where homeless people would sleep. So you'd wake up in your bunk bed graham do you have an overheard we called it more door okay mine is also tennis related okay which is crazy um there was a guy like a block behind me talking very loud on his phone and it was just as fall kind of was

landing here and he was saying to his friend i'm fucking dying to play some tennis so oh i think that's uh more maybe more covid related did they they closed the courts for a while did they oh yeah that's a good social distance sport these were after the courts for a while. Did they? Oh, yeah. That's a good social distance sport. These were after the courts were open. He just can't find a partner. That's the thing. When I started playing with my dad, there were rules. Each of you brings your sets of balls.

You don't mix balls. How would you not mix them? You have to hit them back and forth to each other. But when you serve, you serve your balls. When your partner serves, they serve their balls. You're not mix them? You have to hit them back and forth to each other. But you don't. When you serve, you serve your balls. When your partners serve, they serve their balls. You're not touching them. Right. Now we also have overhersed.

You never switch sides of the court. You stay on your side. Really? You wear gloves the whole time. You don't kiss on the lips no matter how badly you want to. You don't shake hands afterwards. My high school boyfriend always wanted to play tennis and i was like why are we playing a sport where we're so far away from each other yeah let's play tag i just want to make out

uh now we also have overheard what's this where you dry oh geez go ahead no thank you uh thank you very much. We also have overheard sent in from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org and this first one comes from Doug from Harrisonburg,

Virginia. We were going to my parents' house and my four-year-old daughter started to get really excited towards the end of the ride. As soon as the door opened up to my parents' house, and my four-year-old daughter started to get really excited towards the end of the ride. As soon as the door opened up, my daughter ran inside really excited and yelled to her grandma, Linda, are you hungry for magic? He calls her grandma Linda. Linda.

Are you guys hungry for some magic? I am hungry for some magic i am hungry for some magic do you know any magic i'm gonna be suspended by a bunch of balloons and i'm gonna fly over arizona that's my one trick that i know how to do how about you anybody do you dave magic trick i'm thinking of a number 69 yep yeah i you know people are like oh like guys like learn magic like to get girls and they're like losers you know yeah i just like think that like i'm not saying i don't think magicians are hot but like i think a guy who could like just quick card trick nothing wrong with that nothing wrong with that yeah my there's this very hot guy when i was a kid you know harry anderson

was it harry anderson it was christian i was like eight and he would always do card tricks and chew There's this very hot guy when I was a kid, you know. Harry Anderson? Was it Harry Anderson? It was Chris Angel. He was like 18. I was like eight. And he would always do card tricks and chew on a toothpick. And I thought he was so hot. Wow. James Dean with a magic trick. Where is he now?

He's a plumber. That probably makes good money. I don't know. I tried to learn how to juggle for quarantine. And? No. No, dad. Did you get any new skills for quarantine no like

no for real no i learned how to jump over some pipes so that's not bad i'm being seriously harassed by duolingo i don't know how to get these people away from me are they trying to teach you piano uh four languages uh this next one comes from Pete from England. Overheard to the... This is why I picked it, just because it's got so much English stuff in it. There's overheard two

young lads, number one, debating their rooming options for the upcoming university year. One says to the other, mate, number two. You reckon, number three. You'll get an en suite at uni, number four. And the response was, hmm, nah, reckon, number five. I want to make my own breakfast.

So there you go. En suite is a very British. What does en suite mean in this context isn't it a bathroom yeah but what does that have to do with breakfast this guy was dumb he maybe thought that it was sous vide who knows he was just a dumb guy maybe in his school you can pick between if you want on sweet kitchen or on sweet bathroom ah there you go you go. You've cracked it. Well done, Maddie. Did you go to uni? Yeah. What did you take with your

tennis scholarship? I didn't learn any fucking skills there either. I dropped out after two years of general studies. Alright. Welcome. Not worth it. This last one comes from Jessica N. This Sunday, at a very quiet moment at church,

my goddaughter, who's almost two, said very loudly from the balcony, Bye-bye, God. That's cool. I like that. That is cool. It's cool. She's a cool little two-year-old original prankster.

My grandma used to always have stories about my cousins that i'm not like i'm not like super sure they were real stories you know what i mean like they kind of sound like maybe they were plagiarized from like chicken soup for the soul you know yeah but one of them was that my cousin once asked if why do we keep going to god's house if he's never there ah that does sound like a reader's digest right doesn't that sound like that didn't happen yeah thank you sounds like a family circus card yeah it's like a goldilocks thing uh dave do we have any overheards that have been called in i i mean we do but we do and we don't if i play them then the show is almost over and i just don't want this to end yeah no i don't want to I play them, then the show is almost over and I just don't want this to end.

Yeah, no. I don't want it to end either, boys. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, the phone number is, here we go, 1-844-779-7631.

That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hey, Dave. Hey, Graham. And presumably a guest. This is Chris from Dallas.

I overheard my eight-year-old son say to my six-year-old son, you should know that I know how to punch someone in the face. And my six-year-old replied, you should know that I know how to kick someone in the penis. Love the show. See you guys. Oh, my God. You god no just before we get yeah yeah exactly my counter move rising action pretty good dialogue that's pretty good dialogue

you should know is it kick you in the penis or kick you on the penis please place your foot on my penis i don't think a penis kick hurts that much. Oh, I disagree. I mean, it's the testicles for me. I'm a big testicle guy. I always have been. Yeah, that's true. And people go, you mean you're a tactical guy? No, no, no.

I think I could probably withstand like 10 times as many penis kicks as testicle kicks. Not me, man. You'd rather 10 penis kicks versus one ball kick. I rather 10 penis kicks than one one ball yes yeah no yeah i don't think i'm crazy either no i think you're crazy but i do think getting kicked in the penis is its own not treat whatever it's the opposite i don't know like i've never i don't know if i've ever experienced just a penis kick well you gotta meet this kid it's his go-to move people get flicked in the penis and they're absolutely losing their mind it was their nuts and i didn't do the flicking don't email me

about that don't cancel maddie yeah here's your next phone call hi hi um this is francesca from I'm calling with the kids, say, the darndest. There we go. So today was like the first kind of fall-ish day, and I was wearing a flannel shirt. And I came out of my room, and my kid, who's 15, goes, oh, that that's cute you've got like a 90s thing going on and i was like okay thanks and she goes you look like that one character that was on that one episode of full house that got the blonde girl to smoke cigarettes i know exactly the look oh my god her name was stacy i believe on the no it was gia oh gia but was she placed by somebody named stacy's played by marla sokoloff ah dave you know it too well

she tried to get stephanie to smoke uh cigarettes but later the actress who played stephanie smoked meth that's right that was the gateway suggestion yeah I would love to say, I believe Stephanie is more annoying than Gibbler. Yes. How rude. But yeah, I never found, I didn't find Gibbler to be particularly annoying.

Gibbler was fun. Yeah, she was fun. She had her own style. Also, the caller said that got that blonde girl to smoke cigarettes they were all blonde girls they were half greek yeah um where you could have gone if you just accepted that date which one would you date of the men of the men the bachelors uh probably. Probably Jesse. Probably Joey.

Well, who would you date? Bob Saget. No way. Bob Saget, really? Of course. So you mean there's one for each of us? Yeah, I guess so. Oh, that's nice. We're going on a triple date.

Bowler House. Yeah. Here's your final overheard. Hey, fellas. This is Andy from Atlanta. I had an overheard earlier today when I took my children out to see the new site of where my parents are building a new house. It's not that important, but my parents were there and my dad's parents were there. So my grandparents, my kids, great grandparents who are from Wisconsin and have a strong Wisconsin accent.

I was following my daughter, who is two, down this big dirt pile, and I could hear my grandmother say, she walks just like her dad and like her brother. I guess walking up on your toes must be hereditary. That was good. That was good, guys. That was good.

Oh, man, it's true. Good delivery. Yeah, really good delivery. Could listen to that accent all day. Yeah, good accent. Oh, man. What, um, uh, do you,

did you ever meet your great-grandparents? No. Mm-mm. Yeah, keep it in your pants. Yeah, exactly. um uh do you did you ever meet your great-grandparents no yeah keep it in your pants yeah like stop having so many generations well you're not meant to meet certain generations of your family although the weird thing is that my and i don't know if this is the same as case as everybody but my great-grandparents there's like a photo of them like that's it there's like i don't even know if mine have one like my grandmother had it on the wall and it looks like they were in the wild

west or something like it's a little black and white photo that's the only photo that's true yeah my great we have one photo of my great grandparents and it says reward underneath it wanted the pony express needs you um well maddie that brings us to the end of this here podcast uh where if people want to learn more about maddie kelly they want to uh see what she's up to where should people go well i got twitter for pandemic okay so it's treat yourself. Maddie Kelly, 69, which was really embarrassing when I was interviewed about Hallmark, uh, historic discrimination of interracial people. And it was like,

Maddie Kelly says she's been a victim of discrimination. Maddie Kelly at Maddie Kelly, 69, 69, four 20. Um, but I would probably, I think I'll probably delete it.

It makes me, my brain bleed so just go go for the old instagram at maddie kells there you go because i'm gonna be um nathan hair has written a short film that i was in that's gonna be really funny and great and i would love people followed me so i could link them to that nice watch it when it comes out i i just went to maddie kelly 69 and it says the account doesn't exist oh okay on Twitter maybe I changed it

this is distressing news Maddie Kells Maddie Kells 69 which is weird that's not my name but okay thank you so much for being a guest on the show it was a pleasure thank you

and everybody out there we'll see you next year on our halloween episode again oh yeah do you guys have any more bets that we're like do we have a reason to have a bad year i want to come back in a year i bet shall we do a celebrity one a celebrity one uh what was the uh yeah are there any celebrity couples that exist anymore? No. Trevor Noah and Minka Kelly. Who's that? Really? Okay, never mind. No one cares.

She's the cheerleader from Friday Night Lights. Yes, Minka Kelly. And I didn't move the needle. What are you betting me, Graham? We have to have a bet. Save the cheerleader, save the world. I'm trying to think of something that i don't know anything about uh something like tiktok i'm trying to think of the who by this time next year i will have learned uh

the top 10 people on tiktok i'll have learned all about them i'll be able to recite what they're famous for you can just do that though no you but they're famous they change all the time so i gotta be on top of it you know you need to stop being on tiktok because it's just for teenagers oh yeah i just i haven't gone on it i've set up an account and then it's just sitting there all my entire tiktok is so fucked it's like a divorce lawyer is like telling me about divorce okay like i guess the whole thing but okay i know let's bet we will jay was like um let's bet about my love my love again okay by this time next year you will be in gay relationship by this time next year, I'll be in a relationship with a person who has

posted a picture of me on social media. I bet four and you bet again. Can I get in on this? Yeah. You'll be engaged. Okay. If I get engaged, Dave gets 20. If I'm in a healthy relationship, I get 20.

If you're single, Graham gets 20. Well, I know. I was betting on the healthy relationship. But I don't want to bet against myself again. Who wants engaged? I'll give up engaged for single. You can have single. Okay.

Single day. I'll take engaged and you take healthy relationship. You take engaged. Oof. Oh. Who does anyone want pregnant no nobody wants pregnant

uh thank you so much for being our guest uh thank you all out there for listening to the show uh please do

uh take care of yourself and uh keep cool and uh you know take care of yourself as I said before

uh and uh come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported