Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 657 - Anne T. Donahue

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

Writer Anne T. Donahue joins us to talk Red Lobster, Canadian Thanksgiving, and TV recycling.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 657 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a guy who has got a storage situation for his tiny little candies that he's going to give away at Halloween. Mr. Dave Shumka. No, these I bought a box of what is it? It's a Kit Kat, Coffee Crisp, coffee crisp arrow and smarties a 50 pack and this is just for in the office this is just for my little uh this is fun work room uh today the kids

um they they got costumes and what they get who who's what? Poppy is Princess Jasmine from the Aladdin franchise. I know, that's what I'm going as as well, so I know. We had the costume, we bought the costume like months ago without telling her because she said that's what she wanted. And then we, but we knew she wouldn't do it without the wig with the giant ponytail. So today she got the ponytail. And then Margo is Audrey from the Descendants movies, the Disney Descendants movies. Unfamiliar. Audrey is the daughter of Aurora, who is the Sleeping Beauty.

Ah, yes. I see. Have you seen the Disney Descendants movies? No. Oh, they're good. I've seen Maleficent. That's the one that I've seen. Well, yeah, Maleficent is in the Descendants movies, but she's played by Kristen Chenoweth. Perfect. Our guest today, a very funny person, a professional writer. She's written a book called Nobody Cares, and she has a new book coming out in 2022. And we just couldn't be happier to have her here.

It's Anne Donoghue. Hi, this is so fun. Am I clear? Do you hear me? Is everybody responding to my voice in a correct manner? Yeah, we're hearing the words coming out of your mouth. Oh, beautiful. Love this. We're already on to a magnificent start also i haven't heard of the descendants movies but good for her choosing

something so niche already christian chenoweth yes exactly christian chenoweth exactly who i was talking about i don't care about your kids yeah well uh get in line um a lot of people are lining up to not care about my kids but uh the descendants movies they're all about the um like all the disney princesses i was gonna say princes and princesses but i don't think there's any disney princes aren't there isn't what about prince uh charming i guess oh you know what prince charming yeah it's so yeah it's all their kids go to this school and there's like the good kids and the villain kids and there's like someone uh king ben who's the son of the beast and

they named him ben uh i think that yeah i think they named him ben there it was like very um ross and his uh. They live in France. Jesus Christ. Benjamin. There we go. And I think it's Ben. And he makes a proclamation that the villain kids can come to the, you know, hero kids school. Yes.

Love that. Because it was a feeder school. This was just in the district. Yeah. It was just, yeah, their catchment. There were new uh changes their school had needed seismic upgrades yes yes it's a whole mess um should we get to know us sure get to know us and this is your first time on the podcast. This is a real treat. I'm really excited. I, when you sent me the email asking me,

I was just so keen. Also my weeks now, thanks to the pandy are straight up like empty. So this was just like, Oh my God, like all day long. Like I napped for this. I ate my chips.

So I wouldn't be like, like I explained, I wouldn't want to be hangry with you guys. I have like a big gallon of water next to me. Like I am so prepared, minus the fact that I did not know there would be a visual component. So I have shut my camera off because like I explained. Yeah. I look a bit like Arlene Wuornos.

Yes. Like, is it the hairdo that you look a bit like or what features? Are you wearing an orange jumpsuit? I mean, I am in prison. Yeah. So this was a very cool thing that I got to do. I was allowed to record this from there. So like many people in our society today, I am a child of the tween of the 2000s.

So I now have to fill my eyebrows in or I won't have any. now have to fill my eyebrows in or i won't have any so i napped and thus they are smeared and it's my whole face is just like it's nap face like so you so you this is caused because you you tweezed them 20 years ago and they never grew back yeah because you tweeze them like every day for a very long time i did that i used to have uh you know hair between my eyebrows and then in high school i was like i was like well i'm not just gonna shave that like no one likes that but so i was like i plucked them in between and you know you then you get the occasional stray one, but then they just don't come back. And people made fun of me back then when I, like... When you tweezed?

Well, when I, like, mentioned that I did it, and you're like, you tweeze, you pluck your eyebrows. And I'm like, just the part of the middle that you would have made fun of anyway. You were ahead of the game. Yeah, exactly. So, basically, yes. I look like, you know, a quote-unquote hot mess and i did not want to inflict that upon you and also um i'm wearing a very large flannel and for every minute i wear it it does creep up on me more and more so that by the end of this podcast it will have smothered

me completely and you don't need to watch that happen either well you know what we appreciate your candor we appreciate that you were part of the podcast despite the fact that your eyebrows are in disarray. Yeah. And you said you haven't done your toning regimen before bed. Take us through the your masks.

The ins and outs of your nighttime routine. Your cucumber on the eye. Well, I have them on now because you can't see me so you can't judge me but um you know i make sure that things are aligned because grandma even explained this email to you i'm like i go to bed very early i need to watch the house watch before and you were like we'll have you all tucked in don't worry so i like to end my evenings with a couple episodes of the real housewives of

whatever the hell city that I am into. And then as I'm watching, I remove my makeup and then I tone and then I moisturize. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you think Graham and I know what the toning means? I think Dave does.

Cause he plucked his eyebrow. I told you that in confidence. You both have beautiful skin. I would be shocked if you didn't know what toning was look at you both look at the glow it's amazing it's a podcast glow you can't fake that shit it's just grease yeah it's grease i was frying some eggs earlier and it got splashed on my face okay that sounds delicious minus the face blush. But even that could be a treat for later, Graham. Don't discount it. Do not discount it. Toner is, I don't know what it is. I just know that I've been buying it since I was like 13.

And I was told that I should use it. So I don't really know what it is I'm doing to my face. But are you rubbing a thing on your face? It's like on a cotton pad so you're like putting the cotton like you you put the toner right on that cotton pad and then you just rub it all over your face and it feels nice and tingly and then you have to moisturize after because otherwise it gets dehydrated as hell and then i um eat a snack and a lie wait wait what kind of snack are we talking about here you know what it really

depends on my mood and i don't want to lie to you and say i've got a really strict food regimen but i will say that i was like three out of seven days of the week it is microwave popcorn with melted butter on it nice because why not you know let your hair down so do you pop it uh and then you get ready for bed and then eat it in bed or are we talking about you sit down watch a movie eat some popcorn then begin nighttime procedures oh yeah there's no rhyme oh yeah stop yelling at me this is i feel so attack answer him like oh my god he's holding up very offensive signs also for me to read that are hurting my feelings terribly but yeah dave why are you doing that why are you doing this why are you bullying me on live podcast it's all it's live we shouldn't have taken that out yeah we're

taking your calls uh so call and you tell us your beauty regimen yeah yeah and also bullion heard your eyebrows don't match they don't um so i liked it like it all depends on the mood in the summer there was a little bit more like wiggle room because it's lighter earlier so like my dad and i would go for a walk or something or like whatever and now it's getting dark so now those jams are on as soon as i know i'm in for the night and as soon as i know that skip the dishes is no longer showing up to my home then the jams are on yeah jams are on poppers in the microwave and then if i'm feeling like if i'm having a great day if my makeup stayed where it was supposed to and like my hair is okay i will milk that until at least 10 p.m and then i'm okay, it's time to stop fucking around.

This is real. That's when the makeup comes off. That's where we've got like the snack might already have been eaten. Or maybe I want it now. I don't know if it's a higher fat content. I don't eat it that late because otherwise I have to take Tums. This is my life. And then I look for the cat.

This sounds like a life. This sounds complete look for the cat. This sounds like a life. This sounds complete. It sounds rounded. It sounds delicious. So you pop the popcorn in the microwave and you do melt. You have separate melted butter or not? Not the buttered popcorn in the bag. Oh, it's the buttered popcorn in the bag.

And then you take the bag and then you dump it into a bowl and then you take the butter and you slice butter and then you put that in the microwave and then you pour it all over your double buttering a hundred percent and you you this is brilliant you put the butter on a cotton pad and you rub it on and then i put that on my face and then you have to moisturize the popcorn and then i say this is the is the Graham Clark special. And you're then usually pop in my head and say, no, it's only eggs. And I'm like, you're right. I'm sorry. When I was a kid, my teacher told us this story that he purported to be real. And it was about a guy who would cook bacon in the morning and then take the bacon grease and put it on his face.

What? And then go out and have his day. And then when he got home, he would take the... And all day long, flies would land on his face. A real Mike Pence situation. his face a real mike pence when he got home he would you know take the the bacon grease off his face wipe it off and put it in a frying pan with and then like cook up all the dead flies and eat that are you lying more than once this is who is telling you this story my teacher i don't know man it seems like there's a lot of seems like there's a lot of holes did

that get around to your teachers did they tell you oh i did have a teacher in grade five that said that there was going to be something called like it was basically a form of the swine flu but she had no rhyme or reason there's no proof of this but she talked to us for about half an hour and told us we were going to get it our parents were going to die this is just the way that it went she got it in the 60s and then when i started to cry in the back of the classroom my friend katie put her hand on my shoulder i was in like a it's okay and she went no no don't touch her she needs to learn and that was and that was catholic school in the 1990s, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

Mm-hmm. Don't comfort her. She's got to learn. Got to learn. She also used to make us do tornado drills on a very, very, very regular basis. And accused girls in our class of doing witchcraft. What? It was a weird place. Do you live in tornado country?

Technically, yes. But it's not like tornado alley it's like the end of tornado alley but where i personally live if anyone wants to come visit by all means i have nothing else to do there's a pandemic please wear a face mask we can hang on my deck we live in a really high area of the city so there's no like every time there's a tornado warning it like kind of just flies over us like bye and we're like no okay drop one house on its way out and that's it's the end of it it's got bigger fish to fry or it's got a lot going on they accused you of witchcraft not me i was a goody good i won the christian leadership award in grade eight thank you very much.

I know it's burned itself somewhere. I don't know. But that sounds like witchcraft. Yeah, it sounds like witchcraft. My friend brought her mom's Wiccan book to school and she and her like three best friends sat around reading it. And then I found out and told on them. And I'm still friends with her. And I actually only told her two years ago that it was me and she's like we got so much trouble for that and I was like well I was very unlikable and

growing out a mushroom cut at the time so as you can see I had a lot of pent-up rage when you got the mushroom cut did you think you were going to become a skater I was actually forced into the mushroom cut because I did not comb my hair enough for my father and mother's liking particularly my dad's and he threatened it he threatened a mushroom cut and i thought he was bluffing and then one day what do you know i went to the i went to the salon and i came out with a mushroom cut and i do not have the face shape for it i have the face shape of a potato and it does not look good unless you have hair down to your chin mushroom and potato sounds good to me that's although i would oh my god maybe that'll be my night snack tonight we do have some potatoes on the counter and fry those up too yes

i love this food blog that we're all participating in this is great i just love the fact that there was a kid that had to go to catholic school that her mom was like, but I'm a witch. You have to go to Catholic school, but I'm into Wiccan. Did you go to Catholic school the whole 12 years? No, I switched from, I did grade 10 at St. Benedict's, which is the grade nine, like high school was awful. And then I switched to public school in grade 11. And that's when I was like, I must shed my Christian leadership roots. And then I just decided to not go to school all the time and start's when i became i was like i must shed my christian leadership roots and then i just decided to not go to school all the time and start drinking and partying constantly

and um we have the legacy now that we have been left with so it's pretty okay though you would skip school which is awesome first of all congratulations congratulations on being super cool thank you so much and then you would you would go somewhere and drink no not in a day you just skip school and then plan where you're going at night i mean that it's a it's a tiered system did you go to the mall did you drink in on weeknights too it depended sometimes you would i mean there was a christmas day where my family kind of got into a bit of an argument when i was 16 or something it was a long story and so me and a couple of the guys i hung out with just walked around our neighborhoods drinking beer and like how sad is that yeah that was we're like we could just get fucked up just like the four of us like

this is fine and then we realized like nothing was open and we were all so sad. We're like, all right, well, I'm going to go home and... I find Christmas afternoon is a real bummer. Oh my God. Same. I hate them. Like, I love Christmas.

I love all of December. I love up until the presents are opened and then it's like, well, what do we do until dinner? Yeah,

exactly. Garbage City, USA. Isn't there like a football game or something that goes on during the day i think that's american thanksgiving yeah they have american thanksgiving during christmas there's i i there's a there's the world juniors on boxing day but i don't know what that is and i don't understand it so i condemn it

because i don't understand it yeah there's usually a basketball game i think on christmas day or like a few i'm not gonna play dumb about this i'm not gonna be like oh i don't know what they do on christmas i know you know there's also a harry potter marathon that usually happens but now yeah you have jk rowling sucks it's like well i guess i'll be watching the fugitive for several hours because to me nothing says christmas like harrison ford in the snow harrison ford yeah jk rowling sucks it's like well i guess i'll be watching the fugitive for several hours because to me nothing says christmas like harrison ford in the snow harrison ford he hasn't been canceled yet which is great i know keep that streak going he does love movies that i don't understand like this one with the cgi dog that it's a cgi it is cgi yeah and he's like it's i it was the last okay so knives out was the last

movie i saw in theaters before like everything kind of went to shit and in the preview for that i got the full trailer for this movie and i i know that there's a dog that is not real it is cgi and it's like a love story between them but not of sexual one obviously just one of like adoration and then harrison ford's always like looking at the dog like with the kind of like his harrison ford face of like you come over here benji and you're like oh i wish i was benji like this is great i wish your earring was in but you can't win them all it's wild that he's cling clinged onto that earring all these years. There's nobody cooler.

It would be cool if in his rider he had, like, my character has to have an earring. My character has to crash a plane. And I need that Ally McBeal dancing baby because I don't want my wife in the film, but I certainly want to make reference to ally mcbeal a wonderful show was ally mcbeal did you watch that when i was on i was a little too young i was only 13 and i my aunt watched it though and i remember going over and having like jam me over for sleepovers so we go christmas shopping the next day and i was like this is amazing oh god i loved it so. I did not understand it.

I didn't get what was happening. The music to me sounded like a weird coffee shop. But I was like, this is adulthood. And I'm excited. And it's coming for me. Yes. And it never came. And I don't know.

You never got to be a lawyer in a cool office where they have like one bathroom for everyone i forgot about that right it was ahead of its time and harry connick jr i don't know who's doing but he was doing stuff he was there right harry connick jr was i think so guys listen i think i have no idea if you say that harry connick jr was there then i believe you yeah this is where we need to get some calls in so you know go into your phones and see what everybody has to say about this do you have harry on the line maybe he can tell us where he was i think that's what like before the internet did they ever have like we're radio shows just like call in and tell us uh are we right about that is it was harry connick jr and ellie mcdougall

call in let us know. Did you guys ever call into a radio show? Yes. Oh yeah. Okay, good, same. Did you? Oh, for sure. What did you guys call into? I called into a guy who was like he was kind of a ranty guy in Calgary called Rick the Dinger Bell.

Okay. He had like a ranty show and then you could call in and be like, like yeah i also hate that thing sick yeah it was good it was good i called into like sports talk shows i called oh i called into the i called so much like i just loved attention and i like what like i mostly like called into the music channels and like won contests i was very good at being whatever the ninth caller oh my god i called i like i did it so much that they were like you need to stop like they told me don't do this so much we we need to make it seem like more people are calling and not just you

dave can you wait 90 days please we beg you yeah exactly three months please what did you call into aunt well i was super cool as a kid and listened only to the oldies channels so i would call in requesting songs but i caught myself on tape and i actually taped off the radio requesting jan and dean's the little old lady from pasadena. And I remember listening back to that so many times and just thinking like, god damn, this is how it begins. This is how they learn that I'm the next Judy Garland. That was always

the thing that I had. Just delusional. This tiny thing would make me the most famous person on the planet. Yeah, a lot of child stars got their start requesting surf tunes. Yeah, that's how Mickeykey rooney was that's how he was discovered yeah harrison ford that's why he's hearing it he was like calling for like several 70s classic rock bands especially steely dan and was like this is my time oh i remember my friend calling into now this is like

memory flooding back to me called in to a station and he was really wanting them to play everything i do i do it for you but uh he didn't clear that with the rest of us in the group but we really made fun of him for it we had that song that for some reason in grade eight that was the song that kicked off our grade eight graduation and our teacher the tornado drill lady made us go walk down different aisles on every beat of four to that song so we were like 13 year old just filing in to like look into my eyes and i think my family was like what is this and then i sang a song i sang a verse of the r kelly song i believe i can fly

in front of the whole class in front of the whole graduation wow yeah was that your idea or who came up with this scheme i think we need to understand that at the time i really believed i had the capacity to be quote unquote the next leanne rhymes so so I auditioned by my friends being like you should do it just go sing for Mrs. Turner and I'm like I will so I looked like went into her room and sat in front of her desk and was just like how do I live and then she looked at me and was like yeah sure you can sing a verse and I was like okay thank you yeah yeah you can sing a verse but it has to be by r kelly that's you can yeah yeah yeah i don't want to read this how do i live stuff please do not do not bring your country pop music into this sacred hallowed ground yeah this is us we go to a space jam themed school we're all we are doing like most of scripture is about defeating the monsters yes

you fly like an eagle and you know you believe you can fly yeah the uh yeah like i'm trying to think of the age when i realized i was not a good singer because i think when you're a kid you're you just you don't hear it in your head what's going out and i was just like i never got compliments on singing so i had an inkling that i was bad at it but then wait did you have like an actual aha moment where somebody's like you're bad at it yeah i think my brother said you're bad at singing and i was like okay this this is a hot lead I guess I'll just focus on rapping. I'll do the, yeah,

I'll do the rap and the Mariah Carey song or whatever. Every so often I get just delusional enough that I'm driving and I'll have like Carrie, um, Casey Musgraves playing like really loudly, like loud enough. So I can't really hear myself and I'll be singing along and blah, blah. And I will be like,

you know, if you saying this in karaoke in front of whatever guy you liked he'd fall in love with you so in this scenario you've gone on a date and at some point you said we're going to karaoke and he's excited to do this

and he's like oh okay do they have any KC Musgraves and then I'm like finally or it's actually a crowd of people and like my crush is there and like we don't really interact and then i'm like i'll sing this one and then i sing and he's like he's like the phantom looking at christine is like i must have her and then um that i don't know what happens afterwards because i am i am busy signing my record deal and getting famous but um he'll probably you know he'll come along

because that's what happens in deranged daydreams when you're driving a car and should be paying attention to the road I'm like I I can sing okay as long as I'm quiet like if I'm driving along and singing along to a song I think I sound fine

but when it's time to like really belt out the chorus i cannot control my voice at that point it's just yelling is it like the shaky bit where you're just like yeah yeah my whole body goes limp uh i crashed the car all of the veins in your like face and neck just start to really pop out it's that like why can't i oh god the other so rape again all these stories from pre-pandemic pandemonium is what i like to call it while i cry alone um my friends and i went to red lobster because it's the best and we were like god i wish we were eating Red Lobster right now guys but we don't have it here there's no Red Lobster in

Vancouver we've only got green algae and it's not as popular as Red Lobster I'm leaving this podcast goodbye goodbye I can't talk to you so we were at Red Lobster and we're winding our meal down and you get the biscuits of course

they're free and also you can buy the mix here in canada here in my part of canada we can buy them here too i made well my dad made them last week and i ate too many i actually quit but whatever we don't that doesn't matter we're next to this giant table of people they're having a birthday party the waiters all come around they're starting to sing happy birthday yes and one of the servers starts an octave higher than everybody else and he begins like happy birthday too so when it gets to like the happy birthday he shouts it as loud as he can and his neck veins are popping and the kid whose birthday it is is just looking at him like i don't want it and i have never heard of anything happening in my life so much like what my karaoke scenario probably is so he was hoping that you were a record exec yeah you would pick him out

of the car his crush well i'm dating him now so it's great. Oh, that's great. Yeah, he's 55. He's 55. We're going to get him a couple auditions as soon as this whole virus lifts. What type of roles are we talking here? Wait, what role? The singing auditions. Singing auditions, but what's his jam?

Are we talking a country western? No, leads in Broadway, baby. That man was auditioning for rent and for every role in rent as he sang that song. And it was everything to watch someone's dream take flight and then everything to try and stay full your laughter. Cause you did not want to be the one that killed it. When they came out to sing the song, did they have a lobster with a candle on its head how did it lobster cake this is why that we need to be talking about making our own lobster restaurant i think after this because that's a great idea um i believe you get a complimentary cake um but i've never i never, I hate when the servers sing at me at restaurants. It's not cool for anybody.

How often does it happen? Every year? Well, I mean, I go into, every time I go into a restaurant, I say, it's my birthday. And then I... See what upgrade you can get. Just to see. And then I request singing. And then when they're like, okay, great.

I'm like, I mean, you don't have to. And I pretend I don't want it. And then when they do show up, I'm. I'm like, I mean, I mean, you don't have to. And I pretend I don't want it. And then when they do show up, I'm mad because they should know that, you know, it's not my birthday. I would be afraid to go out on my birthday at this point because I know whoever I'm with, whether it's my parents or my wife would tell the staff that it's my birthday. And I, I would come off as the bad guy because i would be like don't tell them yes come on i i will leave right now we had to go out of town to get to this red lobster and you're gonna blow it don't blow this for me do it first red lobster what was the last restaurant you went in before this all went haywire does

okay so skip the dishes and stuff doesn't count i'm assuming like the actual restaurant i ate in okay yeah um and have you eaten in a restaurant since because no there's have you done patio in a restaurant no no um it freaks me out in a way that i here's the thing i'm not okay patios i can wrap my head around i've done some patios i have to confess i've done some patios see that i'm like it makes sense like i get it i just feel bad like i feel bad for the servers i feel bad like i just feel my guilt complex is too large um where i end up feeling i like they come out in their masks and they come out and everything that's like oh jesus like what what if i'm carrying it and somehow i give it to you and you touch my plate like like i go very very like down that rabbit hole very quickly

um so inside has that that's also a definite no no yeah the inside is for crazies inside is for crazies but i think i went i think it may have been red lobster i think it may have been the birthday time oh wow wow yeah yeah yeah okay well that's not a bad one to go out on you know no i was supposed to go to swiss chalet what do you get at red lobster well i get the ultimate feast what's that okay wow this is i'm so excited to be doing this right now because i because it's like i whenever i see we get american commercials and stuff here but like for the seattle channels but we don't we don't have red lobster here so i i see like ads for like coconut shrimp and stuff and like yeah i could really wrap my mouth around that

so say we're at red lobster i want everybody to visualize this okay what are we wearing so we're wearing i'm i my eyebrows are even so everyone feels good and they don't feel sick so this is great we're all wearing our comfiest clothes and our stretchiest pants because you need as much room as possible yes yes you sit there then the cheesy garlic butter biscuits show up, and you eat all of them. And then you're like, shit, I ate too many biscuits. I don't know how I'm going to eat my food. And then you think, life finds a way. Jeff Goldblum says that.

Yes, yes. Then the ultimate feast arrives, which is what I always get. So that's an order of snow crab legs, a little lobster. Uh-huh. A little lobster. A little lobster uh-huh you get a little lobster a little lobster l-i-l he's winking at you and he has a little hat on and after he dances he splits open and he ate his insides um there's like a side so i get like i like to get the rice maybe but i am a fan of the broccoli so i might do the broccoli then you get

a little thing like a bowl of garlic shrimp and then a whole other helping of just fried shrimp and it's so good it's the ultimate feast it's ultimate there's everything you could ever want it's there

for us to have. And I haven't had it in so long. I wonder if anybody on Death Row has ever requested the Ultimate Feast. Let me go ask. I am here at the prison wearing my merch jumpsuit. Oh, that's right. I forgot who we were talking to.

We've got Monster on the line and she wants to tell you her eyebrow tips. Listen, first of of all you just let him go i didn't see the end of that movie is she still with us um yeah i think so i think or was she put to death i don't know she it was in the states so you never know with those stories because oh i think in the states you're guaranteed she's been put to death. I don't think so. I think she's still, my vote is that she's still alive. Well, I went to see that movie when I was 15 with one of my best friends, thinking it was a murder mystery.

And let me tell you that it is not. So do not go in with, you know, as Creed says, your arms wide open. Go in there very afraid of what you're gonna see now you say that you thought it was a not a murder mystery but i don't know who did it is my question yeah was it the titular monster so many times yeah you know i mean it's confusing because on top of like the charlies they're on aren't lean warnos we do have the loch ness monster and he does show up and kill quite a number of people so it's a big it's a big exploration in like what makes one a monster and what makes one a sea monster so i mean yeah just remember that if you start to watch the movie now

that is what you're going to go into um okay yeah you're a bit of a sea monster if you don't get your red lobster she she uh had lethal injection in 2002 at age 46 ah monster gone too soon gone too soon her life was admittedly tragic so i remember like watching it and being like this is so upsetting in every way and then my friend being like why did you take me to this and and being like this is so upsetting in every way and then my friend being like why did you take me to this and me being like shut up i don't know we're in high school could a death row inmate request the ultimate feast and treat it like it was their birthday so then a person the guard has to come in and say happy birthday oh my god an octave too high i mean can they deny

anything really for your like last meal like can you i mean if you're like i won't eat this until you sing yeah have the priest sing your last rites what would you want for your last meal there's a lot of pressure and this is where i can't choose restaurants if i'm going out with friends because but like you get to choose you can say i want like fries from mcdonald's but the ultimate feast from red lobster and also uh you know a blizzard oh my god okay so first and foremost i want my aunt's deviled eggs because i am a 76 year old woman i want the ultimate feast i want swisheli sauce and fries i want um and i won't eat any of this by the way because my ibs will be acting up so badly that day that there's no way i'm

digesting anything i just want to look at it and know what i'm capable of eating and they don't want to serve it to you because they're like we just had the chair cleaned so again yeah and they're not going to give you a modium so you're kind of just like they would clean the chair regardless of what happens the day of the execution but no no i don't think so they're like you got a good meal this is all it's the end of the line you walk with your i've seen the green mile i don't know how it ends because i was crying too much and i left my friend's house but i think you just end up like walking until you die or something you were watching the green mile like as a fun evening in yeah we were trying to be cultured

oh boy i haven't seen the green mile but it it I just remember it looked like there would be a lot of close ups of Tom Hanks' sweaty face which is to me pornography so I am fine with that believe me what about you for your last meal

Graham? a series of keys that would allow me to get out of prison on the day oh I love that you're allergic to many that would allow me to get out of prison on the day oh i love that would you you're allergic to many things would you want to just like be like jokes on you executioner i'm eating shrimp yeah i would eat shrimp i would eat lobster i would eat uh a cat i would eat a dog and then i would i would eat some grass. Give me that dander. Eat some grass and some cedar. And then just,

then I'm already dead at this point. You're allergic to cedar? Yeah, I'm allergic to cedar. I'm allergic to cedar. Are you? Yeah, I got my allergy test in about four years ago. And I am allergic, like basically to nature, like grass, cedar, like, like all the trees.

And then sometimes depending on the time of year the fruits or vegetables associated with those trees so you can't have any cedar fruit well i mean i like to not on the bark and so sometimes i have to remind myself that it's not the time or the place right and then certain foods like mushrooms and coconut make me very very sick huh yeah i know did you know this before you went and got the allergy test or was it well you just never eat those things i went to the allergist because certain foods were making my mouth go numb i was like well this is a bummer um and then he was like actually it's the like that's the seasonal component you'll be fine but um do you get sick eating certain foods i'm like coconut and soy and mushrooms terribly so and he's like well

yeah congratulations don't eat those what are you graham you're allergic to like foods as well as the outdoors yeah i'm allergic to the fish i'm allergic to the nuts um i'm allergic to yeah peanut butter can't have shellfish any kind of shellfish uh and also like the same thing you were saying like there's some tree fruits like a pear or an apple all of a sudden yeah it'd be weird also if any listener has ibs do not eat apple peels it is a laxative but i learned that and i didn't know nobody told me um actually a lot of fruit peels actually also citrus i mean i could go on no please do i'm because i want to know uh in case i'm ever in this situation yeah graham's was considering getting ibs yeah yeah oh you know

what what the gift that keeps on giving believe me it like it's fun surprise. You never know when it's going to show up. And then when it does, you don't know how long it's going to stay. It gives you permission to just like, you know, flirt with life a little bit and see what it can give you. Yeah, that sounds really good. That's, you know what? I'm going to get it. I've decided. Yeah.

Amazing. He's been saving up. You should treat yourself yourself this is the time we don't know how long we're all going to be on this planet thanks to the virus that's true we'll do it now yeah live have you done any of that like living for the day because uh you don't know what's happening tomorrow have you had a day where you're like ah fuck it i'm eating everything i want and i'm gonna go get drunk on christ Christmas day and oh my god imagine imagine okay like the only I have not dabbled in the world of giving up the sobriety but I have decided to eat garbage

and I'm not joking like where I am literally like a raccoon eating anything in this house and in the garbage bags of my neighbors I've been really enjoying the festive surprises of the autumn and um that includes pumpkin pie apple pot a lot of pies a lot of like various like listen we are you gonna say various chips various chickens cheeties very cheese a cheeties. Cheeto. Cheetos. Cheetos. That's the only problem. Cheetos. Chickens. Yes, I had. Actually, I went to Wendy's yesterday through the drive-thru and got some chicken strips

and some honey mustard sauce and I ate it in the parking lot. Dave, this sounds like a story right out of your mouth. Boy, I sure do love that Wendy's. You really love Wendy's? Yes, I love Wendy's. Although my favorite restaurant is dairy queen even though i don't like the food there i just like the desserts okay the desserts are amazing but you have to get the dairy queen onion rings because they are truly unparalleled

although that's true they're up there with harvey's is yeah harvey's is good they're they're good and they for a long time they had the best veggie burger, but then the Beyond Burger came in and Round Couch kicked all the competition. I always heard that the reason the Harvey's veggie burger was so good was because the Harvey's regular burger did not have very much meat in it to begin with.

It was very soy-ish. That explains it. Sometimes depending on the season, my mouth gets numb from Harvey's burgers. I'm not even joking. Soy! Oh explains it. Sometimes, depending on the season, my mouth gets numb from Harvey's Burgers. I'm not even joking. Huh. Soy. Oh, my God.

Guys, we're learning so much about the way my body works. This is an exciting time. Yeah. We're going to transition from doing a podcast to just teaching teenagers about their bodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of the most buzzkill aspects where it's like, you hit an age, and I'll tell you why. You can't eat oranges anymore. And don't even try to have those gummy candies because they'll go right through you.

That's sad. And the caller's like, I wanted to talk about the Miami Dolphins. Why do you keep interrupting? Now, listen, I bought some salami chips yesterday, and they were great delicious. They'll bung you up unless you pair them with a fruit juice. Bung you up. That's a, that's a new one.

I like it. We live in my, in my family's house. It is 1967. Always in your family's house. Is it mom, dad, and you,

or is there siblings hanging out? No, I don't have any siblings because I insisted as a fetus that um i must get priority over everyone and everything um actually wouldn't let my mom be like a supervisor on class trips when i was little because i didn't want to share the attention with any other child and on my seventh birthday i also told them i didn't want to bring any friends to chuck e cheese because um i wanted all the birthday attention and that sucks i wanted to chuck e cheese alone by choice that's the saddest thing i've ever heard i just remember

like getting in there and being like, I've arrived and like, here I am. I am seven. I'm wearing a new shirt and I'm going into that ball pit and I'm going to make friends with these strangers. Yeah. I'm going to get pink eye as much as I can. I'm going to eat this pepperoni pizzas by myself.

Charles entertainment cheese. I'm doing this for you. My love. Um, is that, when was the last time you were in one of those kind of places, at Chuck E. Cheese? What was the cutoff, 12? Okay, was it like taking a friend's little sister?

Or, I mean, by my own volition of being like, let's go to Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, I was going regularly until the pandemic hit. Now I got to go just hang out on the patio At Chuck E. Cheese Like a sucker They still have the animated Animatronic Yeah

But they're all wearing masks Because they want to encourage Safety And And they're singing songs From the Spanish flu Yeah they're singing songs All originals

Uh huh Yeah About pizza Every song's about pizza Every song's about pizza And every song is about pizza every song is about pizza and every song is about what's that thing i forgot the word it doesn't matter the joke is dead i killed it uh contagious disease there wasn't worth it i feel like eight years ago i found a very cool junkie cheese video yes you did did you find that he was singing my karate or something I found a very cool Chuck E. Cheese video.

Yes, you did. Did you find that for me? Where he was singing My Karate or something? Yes. Oh, it was my it was my prerogative but it was to my Karate Guy?

Karate Kid? My Karate Kid. It was about the plot of The Karate Kid. Yeah. That's good. That's a hot track. That's what I would sing at karaoke if i got

yeah that's it's a bop the my karate kid oh god is that the song you'd use to seduce any object of your affection yes i think i should get a i would like to have a crush all right why don't i tell abby and we'll see if we can find one for you yeah i don't even like really get celebrity crushes that much anymore oh Oh, you don't even have those? Those are a lot of fun. I'm like, oh yeah, but I just like forget about them after the movie's over.

I'm like, oh yeah, I love Diane Kruger. Yeah, I like sweaty Tom Hanks. Who doesn't? How about you, Anne? Who's your celebrity crush? I mean, everybody right now, before, like when he won his oscar brad

pitt yeah obviously but now like hearing that he's like jetting off with some fucking model and stuff i'm like ew like get away from me that's so basic and lame but um it depends on what i'm watching and like who is starring and what and then i tend to imdb when i'm watching a tv show or movie and then if i go into somebody's imdb page and i find out that like he's super smart and like loves his sister and not in a weird way then i'm like imdb trivia he loves his sister then i'm like oh and i go over to the wikipedia page and then from there i like look, look him up on like Instagram or Twitter and see what happens. Or if I see like a recent celebrity breakup,

I'll be like, I bet he's sad. So thus my chances are very high because he's upset. Well, what would you say your type is? Well, I like someone who's sad and loves their sister but i'm too much

come on graham who's your celebrity crush i said sweaty tom hanks oh genuinely sweaty tom hanks i remember like i i remember when i used to watch tv shows like start to finish it now i don't even finish a season of anything but i used to watch reality shows like start to finish it. Now I don't even finish a season of anything, but I used to watch reality shows and be like, oh yeah, that Colleen from season one of Survivor, she's quite a catch. Colleen was like, I wanted to be Colleen.

I remember being like, I bet I could like kind of carry off her haircut. And in reality, potato face means I cannot because it was a short do. Now, can you get a mushroom cut? Yeah. Are you allergic to mushroom cuts? I am. They make my mouth go numb. So

I tend to stay away from them. And I also don't want to infect anybody else. So I make sure that I keep it chin length or longer. I am only watching reality TV, too, though. I can't watch a TV show all the way through right now. I don't know what it is. I can't even watch a movie. I'm all movies.

I've gone. I don't want a a series i don't want to commit to a multi-episode arc i just want the movie i want it to be one and done and away i go yeah i like a good i it's almost like because i used to watch tv movies so much for like writing purposes and now i don't really do that as much anymore i get stressed when i watch them because i start to study them and i can't enjoy them so i have blitzed through three seasons of real housewives and i have like seven more to go have you is this are real housewives new to you yeah really okay yeah i only started watching them um afterpump. So I started watching Vanderpump. Oh, Vanderpump rules.

It rules. It totally ruled. So I was like, okay, Vanderpump to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to Real Housewives of New York. And right now I'm at Potomac. And Potomac's so good. It's amazing. And then I remember it. Where's the Potomac?

So in Maryland. I didn't know that. washington dc area yeah but i didn't know about any of this so it feels like a fun treat and then i temper it with like the oxygen network and like shows about murder yes well why not why not when we're all questioning our mortality what is the oxygen network i have never heard of that in my life so it's a you it's a us of a network and it is like all like snapped in like wedding and a murder and like and they're all these theories and they're actually like some of them are actually good and then others are not but they're not horrible i mean you have to watch is it

scripted things or reality things it's like talking head things like um like like so and so investigate i love the 90s yes yeah like i love the 90s but like this guy killed his family and you're just like okay let's get down to the nitty-gritty and then after that gets too depressing i go back to potomac and i'm and then i go on the internet and look at stores that i want to buy stuff from and then put tons of stuff in my shopping cart and then shut it off and go to bed and then they email you back and say hey you left something in your cart and you're like yeah i know i don't have any money this is my power although i'm on the hunt for slippers and i want like bunny slippers or something and so far no luck fun that's a fun that's a fun kind of slipper you've committed to there that's not just

boring adult slipper bunny slippers is like still still fun still young still having the time i mean i don't know how to tell you guys i'm a kooky crazy girl and i am super like living every moment like it could be my last and if it is my last i'm gonna look down at those feet and think at least i'm wearing bunny slippers yeah they make me smile even though this is my last day on earth even though i'm my last meal meal, I requested bunny slippers. I meant to wear. They thought I meant to eat. Worst day ever.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, this last weekend, it was Canadian Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, both of you. As we call it in Canada, Canadian Thanksgiving. Because I don't know the origins. I don't care about the origins. as we call it in Canada, Canadian Thanksgiving. Um, because, uh, I don't know. I don't know the origins. I don't care about the origins.

Um, uh, I don't, I don't really like, there's no, in the country, there's no consensus on what we all do. Like some people have their dinner on the Sunday. Some people do the Monday.

There's no like Canadian Thanksgiving movies or anything. Culturally, it's just a thing that is just a long weekend with a turkey. I would watch a movie called Canadian Thanksgiving. That sounds good to me. That sounds like a quirky family getting together.

What's that? In my mind, it stars Jason Jones and Samantha Bee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. family family getting together what's that in my mind it's like stars jason jones and samantha b yeah yeah yeah i mean oh dreamcast if i could oh yeah i don't know why i didn't i didn't think of like you know big movie stars yeah but you know like uh what is that guy that played anakin skywalker we could get him oh Oh, yeah. We got Hayden Christensen. Oh, my God. Totally. Who else would be another great, like, chill celebrity from Canada that would?

Oh, not Lily Sobieski. Estella Warren. Oh, perfect. Yes. This is my speed. And I love the speed. I feel very comfortable here. Any alum from Degrassi that isn't like Lauren. like lauren collins or great because they're like actually like doing there's

somebody else nina da brev she's too famous for us but that's okay right but maybe if we got like uh you know joey jeremiah yes oh yes who's now the principal of Canadian Thanksgiving. Hi. Yes. This is good. Wait a minute. So in this movie, everything is Canadian Thanksgiving. So Canadian Thanksgiving is a place.

Isn't it though? It's a state of mind. It's absolutely a state of mind. And the parents all work in different sects of the canadian thanksgiving industry so like right um one is a one parent is like a turkey baster and then like the other parent like is like a bushel holder for like when like people who want to take instagram photos of orchards come they are the ones that keep it alive like we can't thank them enough and you know what i'm gonna use this opportunity to thank them right now thank you

thank you all of all of our frontline thanksgiving workers thankful for you um so uh i did not every thanksgiving we go to my parents house and all my brothers and sisters and all their uh husbands and wives and all their kids we all have a big dinner this year no happen no happen no that and so uh because you know there's a pandemic happening oh yeah you're not supposed to stick your hands in the same turkey as somebody else well we have a giant family of like, if everyone gets together, it's like in the twenties of people. Um, and the, uh,

so Abby's parents came over and they stayed. And so there were four of us plus the kids. And I made my first ever Turkey. Ah, wow. Oh my God. That's a milestone. Yeah.

I'm, I'm a man. I'm a grown man. And that's what i'm due now and so a few years ago my sister collected like all the family recipes and made a uh christmas present of just like a recipe book of all our family recipes and so it was like how to make our dad's turkey how to do the stuffing how to make pumpkin pie and you with making pumpkin pie you go to whole foods and you buy a pumpkin pie make sure you bring your money that's the ingredients are your money

no uh so we also this weekend we bought pumpkins like for the kids to make jack-o'-lanterns. And but then I also made a pumpkin pie with you buy a can of pumpkin filling and you add like a bunch of spices. And but I don't know the difference between what's in the can and what's inside the pumpkin. I don't know what I ate. Like, why is it? Yeah, like i don't get why pumpkin pie filling looks like gelatin kind of and then like the inside of a pumpkin it looks not like it's like a web it's it's like a an orange web yeah yeah yeah and it's um i like

the pumpkin seeds i'm big into like the toasted pumpkin seeds. We did that. We did every autumn thing this weekend. God damn. That is like, you really like pumped it up. I pumpkin'd it up. You pumpkin'd it up. I'm David S. Pumpkins. You're David S. Pumpkins. All right.

And if you were Tom Hanks and Sweaty and David S. Pumpkins, we'd be really cooking with gas. But we're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does anyone do the dinner on the Monday? Or is it all a Sunday thing? Freaks. Freaks do. I don't know. It's been so long since I've done a Thanksgiving.

Like, I think when I still live with my parents was the last time I did it. We do Sunday on my... We didn't do a hang with my mom's side because the family's too big. But my dad's brother lives about two blocks away. And they were already in the bubble.

We hung out with him on my birthday and stuff. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, by the way. Thank you. It was August 29th. Thank you for not telling me on that day. Uh-oh, here come the waiters. Oh, no, no, no.

We couldn't afford to get the real birthday song here on the podcast so we sing our special podcast birthday song oh humpy humpy hey it's your birthday today and a stinky sticky poo it's a birthday for you well i mean i love that rendition but unless it's sung by charles entertainment cheese i am not very interested so you can just take that right back. So we went just like over two streets and had Thanksgiving. Like it's the same kind of turkey dinner we do for like most of our family get togethers. And that's like whatever we see each other a lot. But my cousin was there with her boyfriend.

And then it was like my aunt, uncle, mom, dad, and then me. And then the dog who was very cute. Who's this boyfriend of your cousins he's new he's a new boyfriend new boyfriend okay he's a new boyfriend this was the first time we all met him and you should steal him away i'm gonna take him i mean you know what i'm gonna exercise my like you know feminine mystique and just really go for it and tear my family apart not like we're seeing each other that much anyways with the pandemic i might as well have a little bit of fun yeah well we're in this your boyfriend's in my bubble

oh i can't wait to lead with that when i find him on social media immediately after recording this podcast with you guys holy shit this is great and so i made my first ever turkey i made my first ever pumpkin pie uh that's a lot of work i made my first ever yeah that's huge all in one day well yeah i guess holy cow i made the stuffing i started the stuffing the day before you gotta take the bread out and let it uh air out for 24 hours really before you stick it back into something yeah you gotta let it dry out a bit and then you you combine you pour your poultry spices various spices butter and then you cram it was very weird to to like um manhandle the turkey in such a way uh our dog died about a year ago and it was like

it felt so much like when i would just like feel his thighs and stuff and that like the web of skin between his thighs and his midsection and it was just it was like very it was weirdly nostalgic for feeling a dog this should be exactly the thing that turns me into a vegetarian yes exactly I was just saying you're basically writing a PETA campaign exactly not for me this is just another Saturday night

another Saturday night well you know what night it is time to bust out the turkey gotta stuff that shit in real good yeah just wanna manhandle the turkey i gotta stuff that shit in real good yeah just we just want to manhandle the turkey from the inside out um so yeah no i'm like um you know closer to being a vegetarian than ever before oh yeah but but i'll eat a turkey oh and the kids were like the kids were disgusted by the idea of eating the turkey like they saw the the big brown like they've never

anytime we go to my parents house on holidays we have to bring like a you know a bagel with cream cheese for them to eat yes because they don't want to eat the turkey um but they were like oh i don't want any of that i'll have some of the meat though like in their mind they separated the thing we were the the item from the meat they're like oh this is really good meat yeah what kind is it it's that it's the way that like a kid can't separate a turkey is a turkey like the food is the animal they couldn't separate the thing right here in the left uh part of your vision is the same thing as the thing in the right part of your vision that takes power and it takes gumption and yeah they have it in spades

kids don't they don't have gumption no yeah well then get rid of them and it's as simple as that yeah i will uh anna uh do you do you anna did i, Ann. Wow. Well, this is over. Thanks, everyone. Bye. That can't be the first Anna you've heard. You know how many times I get Annette in emails? And, like, Anna. Annette Donahue? Annette Donahue.

Annie. Anna. A-N-E. Like, come on. Come on! Anyways, you're going to ask a question. And I interrupted. Yes.

Have you ever done a holiday turkey? Have you ever done anything like that? Like, have I personally done that? Like, myself? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely not. Because I know I would poison my family.

And I have no desire to learn to properly cook. But the last two Christmases when I was at my apartment, I hosted Christmas Eve for my mom's side. But I did all like, I'm a big fan of like appetizers, like sausage rolls and like little spring rolls and shrimp and blah, blah, blah. So I did a big spread of all of those things, which required minimal work,

but it required also a real trip to the grocery store with my mom when it was like cold and snowy. And then we had to cart everything up where we're like, maybe we do this differently on another day. But alas, I never I have my cousin and I joke a lot that we will like once our family dies off, we will never have. Yeah. Once you thin the herd a bit. Yeah. We will never have a turkey dinner because neither of us, A, know how, and B, have a desire to learn. Is that terrible?

It must be. Somebody listening to this is probably like, this lazy fucking bitch. No. No, you know, you've got other skills. Really? Do I? I mean. But like, if it's just you and your cousin, you don't need a turkey for the interview.

No, like, I. You can just like, both wear virtual reality goggles and look at a turkey. Or just like go to a like, you know, restaurants serve turkey. Go to one of those or like those rich people. They go to hotel restaurants and have like the big Christmas brunch. Like that sounds great. Yeah. Yeah.

Although I, I hope my aunt and uncle, like they, they literally need to live forever for many reasons but like for the other ones it's like nothing like hanging around their table you know we make fun of each other the whole time and uh the people who don't catch on we usually never see them again I really do yeah I I hope I never have to make another turkey I hope I can we can just do the family dinners again why oh so you only made the turkey this time because of the pandemic. Yeah. Well, because it was just four adults. I got the smallest turkey I could find, and it was very speedy, and it was very hard to catch it.

But ha, ha, ha. Yeah. So, yeah. Anyway, Graham. Yes, sir. So, so yeah. Anyway, Graham. Yes, sir. Enough about me. What's going on with you? Uh, I also made a turkey and nobody showed up. And I remembered at the last second, I didn't invite anybody.

So the whole turkey went in the garbage. Um, and you know, you know, I wrapped it up and put it on the side of this the alley and it looked like it was uh it looked like a hilarious present that i left out in the alley it's a giant turkey in a um in cartoons or in like i guess fancy shows do they put little not fancy shows but like i feel like i've seen is there a thing that they put on the drumsticks? Like a little chef hat. Yeah. Little chef hats on the tips of the bones? Are they garlic cloves? I don't know. I feel like they're little paper.

I feel like they were just like paper. I'm going to Google this. But they don't cook them because they would burn in the oven. That's how you know it's done when you put on the little chef hats. Voila, you say. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I feel like they also do that for like a rack of lamb aren't they isn't

there some kind of some kind of hat that they wear uh yeah google food hats for us please i mean i okay i did google imdb if that turkey uh loved its sister my google was it what is it that goes on the turkey's chef's hat? So far, nothing has come back, which is to the detriment of the internet. Do you ever meet someone who doesn't know how to Google and you're like, oh, no, what are you? What do you get through? How do you know anything? Well, in my head immediately, I'm like, I'm smarter than you.

And you're going to think all these facts I just checked on my phone are things that came up from my brain independently. Yes. They're called turkey booties. Really? I just Googled it. I Googled turkey booties. Did you actually put that in the search? I Googled turkey leg covers and then it came up with turkey booties.

Oh my God. Turkey booties explained for anyone who's wondering. Nice. At HuffingtonPost.ca. Yes, that's the one. Canadian, here we are. Okay, so they have been around a long time. No sign of fading into oblivion, thank God.

And they don't explain where they came from or why they exist. And then the rest of the article is animated GIFs of someone making them by hand. Yeah. That's awesome. What I'll be doing again as soon as I get off this podcast, because there's nothing but time, baby. Yeah. Okay, Graham, we kind of took over.

What's going on? I very much wanted to know, because I always wondered what those little things were. I just assumed they were that was for the rich you know that was like that would never happen in my own life um you'll get there one day yeah thank you i well if i keep playing the lottery the way i've been going i got a good feeling um gotta play those same numbers every year you know once a year you gotta be in it to win it um i uh had some uh stuff that i needed to recycle that i had no idea how to recycle um because you know bottles and cans no problem just clap your hands. Yeah, that's right. Just put them up by the alley. Somebody will pick them up.

Tootsuite recycling works. Yeah. And, but if you need to get rid of, say, an old television, uh, that if it worked, I would have left it in the alley and put a free sign on it. Your television broke like four months ago. Yes. In the middle of a pandemic, which was, it was insane. It's, I bought a TV so fast. I've never bought anything that large and fast in my whole life. Like when the TV went out, I was like, okay, I'm going directly to Best Buy. You kept your old TV around?

I put it in storage because I didn't know where else to put it. But then other things need to go in storage. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that TV is still there. So I did a little research, did a little recon. How do you get rid of a TV or an appliance? Because I also had an appliance that needed to go. Tell me about it. It was a dehumidifier.

Yeah, it was a dehumidifier and it broke, toohumidifier and it broke too and so i know i've just had a real tough run was it defeated by the humidifier yes yeah i made them battle it out every night for my affection good yeah that's the andani huay i think it's anna oh sorry that's the anna donahue. That's the Annette Donahue way. So I went to the city's mega recycling center. Where is that? By Home Depot? No, it's down near the dump, near the city dump. Oh, okay.

Dump's like a truck? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah okay go ahead but uh i'd never been to one before i and i like all things trash you know i i'm shocked that i haven't been to this place and uh the guy who worked there i guess the signage is very bad because he had to explain where everything went and he had just had enough he had just had he hated his job uh when i tried to park the car he came out and yelled at me and said you can't park here what car did you have i said an evo an evo to go oh you borrowed a car okay you borrowed an. I borrowed an Evo, which is nice of them to let me have a free Evo.

Guys, I don't know what an Evo is. I'm going to Google that too. I'm going crazy Googling. What do you have in the Toronto area? Do you have car to go? Do you have any car sharing? Okay. So I live an hour outside of Toronto, which is a world of difference.

So we have enterprise car rental. And that's called they'll pick you up they'll pick you up and you'll get something and congratulations if yeah that's what you get so i mean i'm sure there are other car rentals someplace i have my own car no this is a you you can you can borrow a car by the minute oh they charge you by by the minute that's stressful but okay or the hour whatever all right that's better but yeah so went did that the guy was he was angry everything i did incensed him it was uh if i put the tv slightly where it wasn't supposed to be came over yelled at me and uh i don't i think i maybe was the only guy in there and so he thought he could really bully me and you know what he did yeah he was a good bully he was

one of the top bullies we have the best bullies he just knew where to you know stick that knife in between those armor slots and just get right to work what yeah what are you um because there's a place i go um where everybody knows my name. Oh, I thought it was Kokomo. Yeah, that's where I should have said. And there's a, it's by Home Depot on Terminal and it's on the other side of Terminal

and they have, you can, you can bring light bulbs. You can bring electronic things. Yeah. And paint cans. And the only rule is it still has to have the label on it or they won't take it i remember trying similarly trying to get rid of paint cans i think i just left them in the alley with a free sign because someone's gonna enjoy

those and you just gave them the gift of color so yeah yeah see we just have this place called green tech it's like around the corner from where i live and then you just drive to the round of the back and then toss your shit into like a thing and then bada bing like no harm no file although i do usually need the assistance of someone because i end up going into the wrong area and they're like just just give me the phone just give it to me and i'll be like okay thanks bye because i don't like to do um anything for myself is what i'm saying it sounds like you were bullied at the recycling center as well no he tried to bully me if you try to bully me it goes badly because i just like like a turtle i play dumb so instead of going into a shell, I double down either on what I do not know and just be like, what? Where?

Huh? Or I go the opposite. What are you, a turtle? Yeah. Like some turtle girl is here. God damn it. We need. She's so dumb.

She's such a dumb turtle. Or on the other end of the spectrum, if I'm feeling sassy, then i will absolutely just stare daggers into them and be like hmm and then that's usually like what somebody's angry mom would say so they're usually they usually we can't after that but it's much more fun to play the dumb card because then they just do the stuff for you in this moment so you've made the bully work for you that's this is like you're ron popeal over here you're blowing up the whole bully industry you know bullies don't stand a chance you just have to make them feel scared in a way that they've never felt scared before yeah but you know i thought the bullies know they know no fear they're uh they're our bravest citizens the bullies and uh and and their affiliates the toadies the sn the Snitches, the Stoolies.

Is this... Do bullies sponsor this podcast? Yeah, this week we're sponsored by bullies. Go to bullies.com and use the promo code SPYPOD to get 20% off Noogie. Your first swirly.

If you use the code Ann annette you get one free insult you can make it the most damaging one so you can get out of the way what is that and does anyone is this a secret thing can i've never even asked can i ask so afraid and nervous but yes please ask anti donahue what does the t stand for tortoise i'm a stupid tortoise turtle dumb turtle dumb fucking turtle um no it's just teresa you know what i used to like be like i'll never tell and then i turned 23 and was like that's stupid and no one gives a shit so i am as a 35 year old it's theresa but my parents are catholic where they were they're not as catholic anymore now they're wiccan aren't they yeah they were who had the book at the school and i told on them so and then i recently told my mom i told on

her um it's just a super irish catholic. Although my mom's Lithuanian. So you would think that there'd be a little bit more like, which her name is Don Gwale and has like a million letters. Don Gwale. Don Gwale? Yeah. Like D-A-N-G-U-O-L-E. And the E is a little dot over the top of it. An E with one dot?

There's only one dot. Can't be greedy with the dots. She sounds pretty cool. she is super cool and has put up with all of my shit and then also continues to put up with my shit but in a patient way like a good cool friend who's also like i unconditionally love you whereas i'm a cool friend that you used to be inside of. That I lived inside of. I hung out in her hot tub and I didn't get out for months. And then I emerged and immediately shit on her chest.

She has told me. Yeah, we had one of those too. Every birthday I like to recreate it. She wakes up because she went into labor on her birthday. And then I came into the world an hour and a half after it turned into the 29th and so like now sometimes i'll just wake her up in the middle of the night and be like it's happening and she's like you had coconut and i'm like yeah irritable my irritable little daughter my irritable and irritating little daughter

um yeah so that's basically all that went on for me as i went to this recycling center also this is the the it's starting to get like there's a bit of a chill in the air right oh i've become the king of both the patio And the outdoor plaza Because nobody else wants it now So I reign supreme It was cold today And I saw a lot of people

On the outdoor patio But it was nice today It was sunny, I'm going out at night I'm going when it's chilly and the scariest Chilly and pouring rain Yeah, yeah I'm really not giving up on My freedoms of being outside night i'm going when it's uh chilly and the scariest chilly and pouring rain yeah yeah am i really not giving up on uh my freedoms of being outside they're gonna you're gonna have to tear them away from me because indoors is where everybody's gonna go and i can't

go indoors no no i mean here i don't know how your guys's numbers are but like as of this recording and in this moment ontario is getting like numbers of like 700 800 900 every day yeah wow so they went down and closed i think most of the indoor restaurants in toronto but where i live they haven't done that yet i don't think they're going to because the numbers aren't that high but it's still like who wants to go i don't even in flu season love going into a crowded restaurant because i'm just like everyone here is gross and i've had norwalk too many times and i do not want to vomit in the sink and shit myself again i do not want it we yeah our numbers were like a hundred between 100 and 150 a day oh even now even now like back at our peak at our when we're at our best we were down to like single

digits a day oh my god we did we got to 33 the fact that we were down to like eight a day and we're now up to 150 is uh punching the gut but i'm working on this vaccine and it's um i mean it's you gotta it's a raw turkey yeah you eat the raw meat and then you let it reminds you of your dearly departed dog yes uh it's a thanksgiving tradition um do we want to move on to some overheards are you feeling elevated levels of anxiety? Do you quake uncontrollably, even thinking about watching cable news? Do you have disturbing nightmares, only to realize it's two in the afternoon and you're up? If you've experienced one or more of these symptoms, you may have FNO, news overload.

Fortunately, there's treatment. Hi, I'm Dave Holmes, host of Troubled Waters. Troubled Waters helps fight FNO. That's because Troubled Waters stimulates your joy zone. On Troubled Waters, two comedians will battle one another for pop culture supremacy. So join me, Dave Holmes, for two to two doses of Troubled Waters a month. The cure for your **** news overload. Available on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Overheard. Overheard's a segment where it's going to be more difficult and more difficult as the fall reaches on into winter where where are you going to overhear these things you just have to keep your windows open and cross your fingers uh but we're still in the fall so we've got a good chance at them and don't throw away these overheards send them in to us and we will exploit them and we always like to start with the guest. And do you have an overheard? I do. I've had like as many of us have.

I go out a lot less now. So it's harder and harder to find somebody saying something amazing or horrible or a mixture of the two. But recently, my dad, who used to be like one of the he used to be a very hard nosed person. He was somebody that like did not emote very well. He's grown into like a beautiful flower in his in his 60s. But the other day I heard him in the living room saying something that sounded like it ended with baby. And I was like, what? And so I like kind of turned down my tv show

and then i heard more like yeah well hello baby this is the baby he was speaking with the cat and this is coming from a man who at one point just almost disliked our old cat and never called him anything other than his actual name and in this case he not only was talking to our cat he was talking to the neighborhood cat we now let in the house and sleep on the beds and like participate in our world so my dad has room in his heart for not one but two babies wow and you let the neighborhood cat just come in and hang out on the bed yeah i've named her fran and i just love the way she rolls after i got in my car crash last year i was like hung up in bed for a little while and she would just like come in and like curl up with me and was like a little

nice warm water bottle and she's clean like she we think she belongs to the neighbors down the street but they seem awful so we just you know whenever she wants in we let her in and whenever she wants out we let her out uh well good on you you've given a cat a second lease on life yes and the with the babies we have a couple of neighborhood cats that we you know see outside. We do not let them inside, though. They want to come in. They're not welcome. No.

According to me. You keep your eyes on them. You know what, Dave? Watch out, because one day Margo's going to be like, and I heard her say babies in another room, and he was talking to the neighborhood cats. I'm not the kind of dad she will ever say. My dad's kind of hard-nosed i'm very soft-nosed oh you're soft-nosed yeah yeah um dave do you have an overheard i do let's see what do

we have in the old whatever this thing is phone i guess oh yeah this is one okay so this is one that margo she's she's six uh on saturday night she uh said i feel a little bit barfy and she's like thrown up twice in her life ever since like not including when she was a baby and she would spit up but like no you gotta include those in her lifetime okay she's thrown up a thousand times great perfect a thousand and two times um and so we were like you know uh okay you feel like you might barf but do you i remember the first time she threw up she was still like one and a half and the look on her face was like what is happening like yeah her she just opened her mouth and it came out and she was like what is this like she was like embarrassed um what is this i can't wait to do it again

but she was like i feel a bit barfy and we're like okay well, if you do feel that way, you know, let us know and we'll help you out. But for now, try to go to sleep. And so she did. And then at 2.30 in the morning, she threw up. And we, you know, cleaned it up and whatever, all that stuff. And then the next day, I overheard her talking to her three-year-old little sister saying, know what that is on the floor? It's my barf.

I barf. She was like proud of it. Did she do it in the room? She did it in her bedroom? Oh, yeah. We didn't think to like give her a bucket. Well, yes. I mean, what does barf?

She might have just heard the term. It could have meant like a headache or something. Exactly, yes. I mean, what does barf? You don't, she might've just heard the term. It could have meant like a headache or something. And then, exactly. Right. No muffin girl. Is she okay? She's,

uh, yeah, yeah, she's fine. Okay. She, good. I,

we don't, we don't know what caused it, but it was, um, you know, like the, the color returned to her face the next day. And she was,

uh, eating plenty of Turkey. And that's, uh, it's also one of those things where you're like, is this, it's not COVID is it?

And it's, it's not mentioned anywhere, anywhere you go where it's like, do you, have you had a fever in the last two weeks? Have you nothing mentions throwing up? So it's like, I guess it's fine.

And I've been doing it on the weekly. And so I've, I've been checking on the COVID website. I'm getting COVID. You getting you've been getting it weekly no i've been puking weekly oh good perfect well that's even better because that means the body's working it's expelling the bad thing yeah it's a new virus yeah well i don't i'm not counting it out that it could be a virus but i do eat a lot of apples and then just chase it with chocolate milk and uh hell yeah later kaboom is that would that be oh you're you're allergic to apples yes yeah and then i think just chocolate milk would really stir in the stuff but i'm like in general apples and chocolate milk would be that's to me that sounds wonderful i'm not gonna lie i'm like

really upset that i don't have any like nestle quick right now because i've got some milk in the fridge and it is lactose free and baby i'm ready yeah yeah i've got oat milk i don't know how that would combine with a quick but i'm willing to try yeah make how do they make oat milk ice cream you could have an oat milk uh milkshake oat milkshake soon i think soon they'll have it and uh it'll be right in time for winter um i haven't overheard and this is something that i've seen on tv or on newscasts they've done this for years uh where they'll say that it was somebody's birthday like a celebrity's birthday and uh it was at the end of like i just whatever the local news was

and one of them said if dr seuss were alive this would have been his 114th birthday who cares who cares and also he would have lived to 114 if he were alive he would be he would want you to kill him because he'd be so old and clearly incontinent would you kill me with a gun would you kill me just for a bit would you kill me with a knife just to let me escape my life you guys are good yeah all right now we have overheard sent into us from all over the map if you want to send one our way you can send it into spy at maximum fun dot org and the first one is from max d um he's in minneapolis and he said uh and this is really i mostly picked it because of the setup more than anything i was at a midnight anything goes show at a juggling festival that's the part i loved and

one of the performers was doing a straight jacket escaped and as he was wriggling around trying to get out his friend cried from the side leave it on leave it all on which is i guess what you yell at a straight jacket uh is escapee but basically i read it because he was at a midnight anything goes at a juggling festival uh-huh which what do you picture what is it you can juggle whatever you want or i guess so but like boy how many jugglers are at the festival that it goes until midnight and like i mean my first festival that i threw my juggling festival um i only wanted a handful of people because i didn't want to lose like any of our steez and i still wanted to impress

the masses so you keep it small you grow your audience you grow your brand and then before you know it you know you're sponsored by whoever the fuck sure yeah hey and how is your steez it's average it's reasonable okay yeah it's an average amount of steez and it's i don't like to brag about it i think it's healthy and um i won't apologize for it but i certainly wouldn't like put it forward you know what i mean yes yeah absolutely i know what you mean thank you for asking no one asked about my steez so i'm happy somebody did just imagine how many kids were born nine months after that juggling festival yes yeah because everybody that's the thing jugglers on their own unfuckable but if a bunch of them get together they all have sex together yeah yeah

jugglers love jugglers they put their balls and their pins in a bowl and then you grab one and you fight. You go home. You juggle with, you know, unknown objects. This next one comes from Charlotte from Brighton. The other day, which I mean several months ago because time is meaningless now. Correct. which I mean several months ago because time is meaningless now, correct, a woman was walking past her and was talking with her friend and said, so there's good news. No, wait, there's bad news.

Well, that's 2020 all summed up. I've got some good news. Oh, no, wait, bad news. I forgot. I forgot which word. Oh, wait, wait. What are we talking about? Oh, life.

Yeah. You know, my sister is dead. No, alive. No, wait. Bad news. I forgot which word was what. Oh, wait, wait. What are we talking about? Oh, life. My sister is dead. No, alive. No, dead. Turns out that my boyfriend doesn't love his sister. It's over now between us. That's good news. I mean, bad news. I mean, bad news. This last one comes from Brendan D. During quarantine, my wife and I decided

to do some spring cleaning. While I was moving the couch, she said, come on, use your muscles. Just like that wrestler, Muscle Man Fred Savage. Okay, what's his real name? Macho Man Randy Savage. Oh my God. I like hers better. Yeah, I like it too.

Yeah, we all do. Muscle Man Fred Savage. In addition to overhears that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, guys.

It's your old pal Caroline. I just walked past a few gentlemen hanging out in the parking lot, and I just overheard one of them say, well, I just had a jar of spaghetti sauce. And the other one replied, I mean, you need it for your dentist. And that's all I heard. Is that a pre-dental routine? Get spaghetti sauce all over your teeth?

Like, that feels like she was describing a dream. Yeah. Yeah. Because what's going on? You know what I mean? Well, I like to bribe my dentist with spaghetti sauce so that I don't get any cavities. Fair enough. We were going to find some cavities, but you were so generous with the spaghetti sauce.

You keep it coming. We'll just let those babies rot. Yeah. I do feel like they're maybe making up a lot of cavities. generous with the spaghetti sauce you keep it coming we'll just let those babies rot yeah i do feel like they're maybe making up a lot of uh cavities listen don't get me started on big brother and big dentist and big pharma a big tooth um yeah i uh i'm just picturing if you went to the dentist on halloween are you getting your teeth cleaned by like a spooky spooky goblin spooky witch oh if you're a dentist and you don't dress up for halloween you should be expelled from your are you getting your teeth cleaned by like a spooky, spooky goblin, spooky witch?

Ooh. If you're a dentist and you don't dress up for Halloween, you should be expelled from your industry. Oh, you agree. Yeah. I think it's that simple. No,

you don't know how to have fun. And it's already not fun. I hate going to the dentist. Also, I don't have a dental plan, so I hate it for two reasons. So it's like, yeah,

same nightmare. Nightmare. I, I remember when I was a kid, I was, we, we once had to go to the dentist on November 1st and I was like, Oh no, the day after Halloween. But you know, you don't do that much damage on Halloween. No, you're too tired. It's like, it's like November 5th. You need to be worried about going to the dentist.

Yeah. I remember flossing really hard every time going before I went to the dentist and blood was everywhere. I still do that. Yeah, just like I figure if I get one hour before the appointment, if I floss, they're not going to know. They can't know. The dentist will be like, wow, you must floss. You're teasing.

I'm totally fooled. Yeah, your mouth is very full of blood. You must floss on the regular. This is healthy. You're just bloodletting. your mouth is very full of blood. You must floss on the regular. This is healthy. You're just bloodletting. That's a good amount of blood. Not too much. Not like you've never flossed.

But you can tell you've flossed. You've flossed, absolutely. Maybe once a year. Yeah. Here's your next phone call. Hello, Dave Graham and delightful guest. This is Nick from Missoula, Montana. And call it or heard.

I was just walking out of my local coffee shop and I saw two women chatting. I didn't hear the whole conversation. The only word was one of them kind of annoyed saying to the other. And he wants this candle that smells like draco malfoy that's it thanks love the show i don't know what that i think you're talking about jk rowling um specifically wanting a candle that smells like draco malfoy but what is that smell are you familiar enough with the series to know what the smell might be bleach blonde bleach blonde hair and um evil i can't i mean so like any dream

boy from the 1990s he i mean what a weird i feel snakes i don't know listen i'm gonna draw i'm drawing up a big board i'll get back to you guys in a couple of weeks when I can really like test this out. I'll make my own scent. It'll be great. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a Hufflepuff myself. Yeah.

I'm a bingle. Oh, they are the best house. We love the boy with whiz and we think he's so good at zapping with his magical wand. And it's just great what he's doing. We hope he keeps it up and saves us all from the noseless wonder. Yeah. And my favorite thing to do to anybody who's a fan of Harry Potter, I say my favorite character is the sorting rag.

And they get very upset. I mean, I love blasphemy, and you're just shelling it out in spades, and I'm here for all of it. I love Tricky Ricky and his wandering wand. Here is your final overheard. Hello, Instagram, and I'm

Pascocas. This is Amy calling in with an overheard. I'm eating in a restaurant, and I just overheard two older women talking, and one said, ugh, I mean, really, thank God for Michael Kors sweaters. I mean, well, you know,

I bought this at the opera, but you can wear it anywhere. Thank God for Michael Kors sweaters. Wow, I have never heard anyone admit to liking Michael Kors, like, ever in my life. This is amazing. I think you have to be a lady of a certain age. I think you have to be a lady who might also visit a boat, have a boat, sail on a boat. Yeah.

Boat people. Boat people. Gilligan, the skipper. Yeah, boat people are the luckiest people in the world um as you get older graham do you know anyone who owns a boat i do know people that own plural i know people that own boats not one person owns multiple boats but uh multiple people with multiple boats yeah and i there's a canoe count as a boat because then i know a lot of people totally i would say so because i will not get in i hate boats i Yeah, and I, does a canoe count as a boat? Because then I know a lot of people. Totally.

I would say so because I will not get in, I hate boats, I hate water, and I would not get into a canoe under any circumstances. I would only get into a canoe. Ever. I feel like a canoe you can, you're paddling it, you get to choose when you go back to shore. You're so close to the water. Grant, do you remember when we were on a ferry boat to Toronto Island and then to come back in the storm and we were on a commune and it was just like that comedy show filled with people who lived on communes? Yes. And we, for some reason there and back, there was no like sheltered place to stay on the ferry.

It's all outdoors. It was just like, and rain was sideways hitting us. And it was, that's the last time I've been on a boat. And to this day now, I will not go back on one. where it's a great policy i didn't know you guys had a history we are friends yeah we're pals we are literally friends oh graham you need to tell me in advance if you have a friend oh okay yes i will mark it on the calendar along with my other to-do list get talk to the sorting rag find out what house I'm in, etc. Figure that out.

The sooner I figure that out, the better. And this brings us to the end of this podcast. It's gone by really, really fast. Yeah, you were a great guest. This was a lot of fun. Oh, thank you. I'm obsessed with the fact that you guys wanted me here and I love you both. So this is wonderful

and I love it. And we got you, I think we're cutting you loose right around whatever bedtime you're you're golden my bedtime is i like to have my nighttime advil because baby girl still sore from the old accident like an old person um and i take like i might take a gravel go with the sleepiness. And also sometimes my stomach gets upset before, but I don't know. I'm an old person.

I am 77 years old. I sound really young, but that's just because of all of the grease I use on my face at night with the toner. So that helps. But I had so much fun. Thank you so much for asking me to come on. I'll join you guys anytime you want.

Literally, like i'm obsessed well thank you so much and people can get your book anywhere online in bookstores called nobody cares yeah local bookstores are the best kind so if you can go to your local bookstore and get one that'd be amazing what's it about they are essays about me because i'm a raging narcissist and they span there's like childhood stuff, teen stuff 20 something stuff, 30 something stuff we got a lot of mental health in there we've got some funny

stuff in there, a big whole buffet, kind of like I tried to make it reflect what being alive is like, which is like sometimes it's fun other times you would like to walk into a lake if your pocket's full of rocks which in itself is a lot of fun it's a lot of fun as long as you get out of the lake before anything happens it's bad don't do that um but yeah and then the second one is kind of more of the same but a little older stuff but that's gonna that's 2022 as i like to

say to anyone who will listen we might all be dead then. And then either you laugh at that joke or you get really upset. I mean, either way, this is facts. Yeah. These are facts. And if people want to follow you, you're an avid Twitter,

you're a great Twitter. Where can people find you on Twitter? Just hit me up. And T Donahue keeping it, not keeping it real. I am. I do keep it real, but that's not part of the handle

it's just my name right yeah it's your name and then your slogan is keeping it keeping it real that's what people think when they talk to me they're like that girl she's not at all wearing an old plaid from 1984 and jogging pants that are like eight sizes too big she is keeping it real eight sizes they come in sweatpants come it real. Eight sizes. They come in, sweatpants come in different. They're not just the three sizes. I mean, listen,

I won't lie. These are just a normal size sweatpants, but I've worn them today and I wore them yesterday. So we're at this end of the line where they must go in the wash because they are stretching at a phenomenal rate. So they're normal size. Your two day maximum? I'm a two day maximum because at physio

today she had guys this is what i'm talking about she had to put her elbow areas of my hips and glutes because they're not working so it was just a lot of like um strenuous effort and sweating out of pure pain and agony and then you don't want agony. And then you don't want to wear these again. You don't want to wear these without washing. Right. What are you, what's the maximum days in a row for pajamas? Two for me.

What about you guys? 14. Great. Yeah, 14, eight to 14 maybe. Well, those are, see,

that's much healthier. That is like, you're, you're comfortable with yourself. You're clothing. But I'm only wearing pajamas from like two in the morning to 4 in the morning. Oh, then that's okay. This is a little two-hour little moment.

Yeah, I'm taking micro-naps. Oh, good. Well, thank you once again for being on the show. And all you listeners out there, thank you for listening to the show. We wish you nothing but health and safety. And take care of yourself out there. Thank you for listening to the show. We wish you nothing but health and safety and take care of yourself out there and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

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